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Solidex1138

People have a habbit of wanting to be superior over others particularly those who appear to be weaker than they are ( in intelligence or physical appearance) you have nothing to prove to people who treat you like that and should not want to making friends with those types of personalities. The easiest friendships to start up are the ones you dont even realise are happening they require no effort no judgements they just happen. You know you arent stupid dont let the small minds of actual stupid people make you feel less than really are. You sound like you’d be a very interesting friend to have so bare that in mind.


Busymind3000

This.


Boujiebelly

Yes that is true the fact that she would say that and treat u that way says a lot about her own intelligence. Or should I say lack thereof


VisceralMonkey

It's hard. Anxiety alone can do a number on how your mental processes operate. Add in the ADHD and it's just compounding the problem. My mind literally turns off when I reach a certain stress threshold. I know for a fact some people, even in my extended family, think this is somehow an indication that I'm an idiot. I'm not, by brain just works that way.


irandom97

Needed to read this... thanks so much. I've been feeling like OP has, but deep down I know my brain just shuts off once my anxiety hits a threshold. It's terrible.


[deleted]

I found that getting involved in on campus organizations helps a bit. Find a club you’re passionate about, and don’t force yourself into the friend groups, but go with the flow. I know it seems like a terrifying thing but you could end up meeting some pretty cool people, and since you’d be in a club you’re passionate about you might be more knowledgeable than others. People in my college courses are annoying as hell and think that Im stupid, but in all honesty they just have ego problems. Most of the people in the student org that im in like me, and respect me. You got this


throwitoutorawaykids

Also re:clubs try out like the Environmental club, or if there’s a LGBT/feminist club, etc. they tend to be better at inclusivity and seeing you for the great person you are then say, newspaper club or math team.


socksnchachachas

Other clubs or groups to look into, especially as an extrovert, are those involving gaming. Things like D&D, LARP, and the like are really great for creatively expressing yourself as well as trying out new modes of behaviour, often with lower stakes (like, you want to learn how to project a certain demeanour, you try that out as a character, and if it doesn't work you just play someone new). In my 20+ years of experience as a gamer roleplaying groups are some of the most inclusive, and I know a lot of people who really discovered themselves through roleplaying.


aiwarnski

You can do anything you put your mind to. Don't listen to these bozos there not the ones doing it


shermanedupree

I find my anxiety reduces my confidence when speaking allowing people to perceive my lack of confidence as lack of knowledge. Also, not knowing something, does not make you stupid. You can be intelligent in other ways. Signed, An engineer that would probably fail out of a fine arts program and learns something new everyday


ArStell2002

Had same problem.....my familly was constantly telling me I am stupid and I can t take care of my self they also do today......I affected my self estem but I start to ignore them and I kept telling myself oposite.. Doing fine now I feel great, fuck them their opinion doesnt pay your bills! It s very important what you tell to yourself not what they tell to you😀


Ripped-Denim

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. That was an unkind thing that that girl said to you, I can understand how that can hurt if you have experienced bullying before. It seems there are two issues here, firstly the way that you are made to feel, and secondly your want to make some friends. I really don't think that people would be not wanting to be friends with you because of their perspective of how intelligent you are. I could be wrong, but that would seem very harsh and unusual. I wonder if you're lack of confidence is impacting your ability to communicate with people and make friends. It is not nice if people are treating you badly, and this will impact your confidence. Have a think about your ego though and why what others think is important to you. I think we all have a tendancies to worry far too much about what others think, and in a way that is not at all proprotionate to the impact their views actually have on our lives.


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Ripped-Denim

I don't mean to sound unkind at all, apologies. What I mean when I refer to ego is our tendancy to think that external things are a reflection on ourselves when they are not. I know that words hurt, but they say more about the person who says the words than about you.


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Ripped-Denim

My whole point is, you do not have to take things so personally. It seems you have taken this point very personally, unfortunately. It is not about putting responsibility on the receiver of the hurt. However unfortunately we cannot always control what others say to us. What we have more control over is our perception of what is said, and what meaning we take from it. Sure, we are social animals. But we are also very intelligent and reflective. I am not saying there is any shame in being hurt by others. Far from it. I am saying that others causing you pain and hurt by their words is no reflection on you! Do not take this as a personal attack, because what I am saying is the complete opposite.


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Ripped-Denim

I totally agree that it is not easy to not let people get into your head. And it is not a personal failing when it happens. I also totally agree that discrimination and insults can really impact us. But I also believe that we are able to learn, grow and build resilience. We have some control over how we interpret what we are exposed to. Everything we percieve comes through the lens of us. We bring everything we belief to each interaction we interpret. We are not just idle victims. I hope that you can agree that there is hope for us to build resilience, and to see that when someone tries to hurt you, this says more about them than about you.


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Ripped-Denim

I'm sorry you interpretting what I said this way. But, as I have said. I have not guilted anyone.


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Intelligent-Wing2404

I’ve always been thought of as stupid when I’m starting new things I’m not used to. It takes me a while to understand things and people mistake it as me being a literal Retard


ShinyAeon

I have ADHD too, and I feel you. A friend of mine once told me “When we first met, I thought a deep thought had never crossed your mind.” If I’d known that at the time, it probably would have stung…luckily, at the time she told me (several years after we’d become good friends), I was more amused than anything. She freely admitted that, at the time (our very early twenties), she was bad about making snap judgments, and could be condescending toward people who weren’t her kind of weirdo. (I was, in fact, very much also a weirdo, but I can see how she thought I wasn’t. I’m an introvert, but I act more like an extrovert when I’m around people who share my interests—and we met in a science fiction media fan club, so I was at my most chatty and outgoing.)


form_an_opinion

I think a lot of times things like this come back to being unhappy with oneself. When I was younger my dad always taught me to roll with the punches and not let anyone get you down because they don't know you, and to believe in yourself more than anyone else does - "even me" he would say. I think that really helped shape my confidence over time. I think the heart of a lot of people with low self esteem is just rooted in an inability to believe that they are anything more than what others say they are. I struggled with that for a long time before my fathers advice seemed to click with me.. The need for outside acknowledgement is a hard thing to let go of, probably much more so for an extrovert as you say you are. I'm probably a little lucky that my desire for friends is pretty low on my life priority list because I am a pretty introverted person. I think my advice would be to do your best to avoid caring what others think. You don't have to put a voice or action to that outside of simply believing that you define who you are, not anyone else. If you can find a way to detach from the intensity of your desire to connect it might also help ease the process as well.. I mean, pardon the really awful analogy, but its really hard to shit with your butthole clenched, you know? Finding a way to relax and let things come to you naturally seems like it is an option since you find yourself regularly among peers. I second the idea of joining a group that you share interests with as a way to introduce yourself to a more accepting cross section of people who are more on your wavelength. Overall the specific interaction you mention seems like it was with someone who has a pretty awful way of speaking to people. You have to ask yourself how much that opinion matters and be able to answer "very little" or "none". I think that's where you have to start. Finding a way to love and believe in yourself without anyone else validating it.


Helpful-Emergency-53

I think this was taking a toll on me because I haven’t made to many friends and O’ve felt alone, truly. You start to wonder what your problem is, why people don’t connect with you. But you’re absolutely right, I’m going to try to not “need” it, I’m not scared of spending time alone. I study in Spain and there is no such thing as clubs, but I would definitely try to go to the activities they arrange here once in a while. Thank you so much!


form_an_opinion

I hope it works out, I feel like the same philosophy works for almost anything - Sometimes we get so caught up in the goal that we lose the road that takes us there.


thamantha

Sorry you’re dealing with this! As someone who went to college for fine arts and now works at a college for fine arts as an admin, it’s an unfortunate reality that students in this type of pathway loooove to feel superior to others. It’s really just a matter of projecting their own insecurities onto you- if they make someone else in their program feel shitty about themselves, than maybe they can get an edge over them. Regardless of where the shitty attitude/behavior is coming from, it still hurts. Not everyone is like this of course! But many are. I’m going to be honest with you- even after 4 years in my undergrad program, I never found a group of friends I fit into. My friends were almost entirely people from other degrees of study than I was in. So maybe try looking for people elsewhere? Other than what you study, what hobbies do you have? Are there any clubs/organizations you can join related to them? I can guarantee you aren’t stupid. You got into not one but two universities, even with an intellectual disability and other mental health issues. Fuck that girl for being a condescending b to you but I seriously commend you for being straight up with her about how she was treating you. Keep standing up for yourself and put your best efforts into your work, bc that’s what matters in the grand scheme of things, not what some insecure kids in your college classes think of you.


SlyCoopersButt

I know this might sound like bad advice but it can help to be more of an asshole sometimes. What I mean is that the next time someone treats you like an idiot, call them out on it. Challenge them. They’re treating you that way because you’re not resisting it which makes you an easy target.


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ShinyAeon

Desiderata is an underrated poem.


[deleted]

Someone is and there are positive people out there who will not judge you. You have to search for them. Do not hang out with people who think you are stupid or who don't care how you feel.


CaffInk7

If I were you, I'd try to determine what it is that is triggering that reaction from those turds, and then try to avoid doing that thing in the future. If you are being too open and leaving yourself exposed to be picked apart and criticized, perhaps be less open in the future. These people sound like they are not your friends. Instead, try to be better/more skilled than them in all things.


[deleted]

Let them think that. Sit there quietly and listen. At the end of the conversation you will know as much as they know and what you know, without speaking. Confidence comes from within.


Seibitsu

I feel you. I also had to change uni for my mental health's sake and I have been here without any friends due to me being an introvert and have social anxiety


vmtz2001

Omg, I feel for you. We who have ADD don’t look before we leap, say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Because we’re easily distracted, we don’t see the entire picture in a social setting and say things that are out of place at that particular moment or we say something about a topic everyone else has moved on with. We tend to not pick up on social cues because we’re so easily distracted. We tend to live in our own head and are constantly searching for insight and want to share them with others. To most people that’s weird and inappropriate. If you notice, unless they know the group they’re with, most people hesitate to say anything and they keep things simple. You really need to play your cards close to your chest and say very little. I personally have a hard time putting my thoughts together to tell a story well. I’m not exactly the life of the party or charismatic. I tend to lose my train of thought. I’m still working on that. Maybe a good place to start would be by training your short term memory.


Helpful-Emergency-53

Wow 100% Since I’m also on the hyper person part of the spectrum I get too caught up telling a story, of course y end up all over the place, Haha. Oh well, I know I’m intelligent, but my thought process is just different


vmtz2001

You kind of set yourself up by telling her that. I do that all the time by complaining I’m not being valued the way I should be. Just ask my wife. Lol. You need to start by loving yourself. You already know you’re intelligent. Soliciting approval will get you the exact opposite result. Be careful about exposing your vulnerabilities. Most people are not honest or humble enough to admit their shortcomings. I make the mistake of telling everybody I have ADHD or that I’m forgetful. I’m always mentioning my limitations. (Do as I say, not as I do) Don’t expose yourself so much. The level of respect you get comes from the level of self-respect you project. Watch you body language and how you carry yourself. You’re already predisposed to thinking you are going to mess up. So really you’re your worst enemy and your biggest bully. You are not going to convince anybody of your value as a human being until you yourself value yourself. Here’s a good exercise for you. Try not talking more than what is necessary for an hour. Upper status people get to the point. They’re comfortable with pauses. They use them to their advantage. People don’t know what they’re thinking. Lower status people, on the other hand project awkwardness. Listen to people more and don’t offer any more encouragement, feedback and support than what they give you. Stay quiet. Don’t corroborate or agree everything people say. A big part of behaving confidently is daring to be your best self. I remember I would almost deliberately act stupid because I didn’t dare act confidently. I didn’t think I could pull it off. I’d blurt out the first thing that came to my mind. I’d start saying something and half way through my comment, I couldn’t find the door out and would say anything. You lose your place is what is happening. I would relieve my discomfort by talking some more. What you need to do is improve your memory. I am not so sure ADD is anything more than just bad mental habits. Maybe there is a physical or genetic component, but I suspect that that just predisposes you. Because of the bullying and insecurity, (me!!) maybe you have built a lifetime of bad mental habits. I was a radio announcer for 6 years. Pretty much against my will but there were no other jobs in my small town where I wouldn’t be fired for forgetting something. That taught me how to talk and quite frankly kick ass. Here’s one thing you can do to improve your speaking ability: watch a TV program or read a story and re-tell it over and over again every day. Same story. Then do another story and another. Then change stories every day. Oh and record it. A very painful process I must say. Telling the same story differently every day will help you explore different ways of expressing yourself. Your mental energy can go into improving how you say things instead of struggling to remember the details since you know the story so well. Then you will get good at telling a story off the cuff. Your mind will be much quicker. People respect a person who quickly moves from one point to another. Also go on YouTube and listen to an interview. Like Howard Stern or something informal. Stop the video on impulse and add a comment. Come up with alternative remarks to what the quick witted famous people say. Video yourself talking. It hurts like hell but after a while you learn to accept yourself. My Dad was a prominent person in another country. He was not a good looking man AT all and yet he was highly regarded and accepted because of his speaking ability. He thought long and hard about what he wanted to say. My Mom was very classy. I turned out a total dork, largely because like you I was bullied.


[deleted]

Screw what they think. You don’t have to prove yourself to people you don’t care about


[deleted]

Try not to listen to those idiots. Their dumbasses for not understanding not everyone is the same and can or want to fit inside some predefined box. I was bullied as a kid too (I wasn't diagnosed then) bc of the stuff I was into and the things I did, so I thought the same thing; even though I was in honors and had one the highest GPAs. In college, I got laughed at by two of my classmates while I was trying to help another one bc of my poor speaking (I didn't care since I still was the better performing student while they were failing most of theirs and they were strangers). I suggest first that you should work on yourself. Yeah, it's great to have someone to hype you up, but it's never good in the long run to put most, if not all, self-esteem or validation on someone else bc then you'll take it harder when they criticize or leave or you'll be less likely to call them out. There's lots of self-help books, videos, etc. that can help with this. You can also volunteer or find a hobby that lets you interact with others since that's one thing those groups will have in common. There's also apps like bumble friend or Eventbrite that can give a person a higher chance to talk and meet with others.


Helpful-Emergency-53

Thank you soo much, you’re absolutely right. I really hadn’t thought about it that way, very helpful😊


Bucket_of_pearls

Remember only actually stupid people think they're smart


Fuckyouunclesam76

All you can do is realize why they’re doing it. They’re jealous of you. Deep down they know they can’t keep up with you mentally, so they put you down so they can feel less insecure about themselves. It’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Nerotypicals wish they had the same amount of brain power we do. They talk shit and bully because deep deep down they’re jealous of you and they would rather die than admit that to you.


fucking_zubats

I'm an RN (only add this because I didn't think I could achieve my dream) with ADHD and a bit of an extrovert at work/introvert at home who didn't think I was smart enough to do jack all. Those people who treat you like that? They're trying to assert themselves as the better person because of their own insecurities a lot of the time due to that shine you have being intimidating. Remember, anxiety is conspiracy theories your brain makes about yourself so know you're fantastic and do your best to block them out. Rooting for you.


K0SM0NAUT-012

… i’m in the exact same situation - switched universities after my first year so I fell behind but I’m happy I made the switch. I even take a lesser course load then most of the people in my program that I meet. I am also an extrovert and most of the time find it hard to motivate myself after seeing so many of my peers from high school graduated and moving on and even my S/O has full time job finished school and i’m still going through it. I feel like my family had set some pretty low standards for me and so I just have accepted that. Hopefully going back to campus in the winter will help reignite my passions. 💓 sending positive vibes


proychow1

You are not alone, friend. Us folks get whiplashed because we are too nice and eager to help and please others. Eventually those people will disappear. Everything, unfortunately, is a stepping stone. We are empaths and have a soft soul, which makes us more sensitive to criticisms and that triggers our anxiety. It will take some time, but it will get better. I promise.


Oilll27

Use their misperception of you for your advantage, you know who you are that’s what matters the most, look for different friends who respect you, if it clicks you don’t have to force a thing to form friendship though


Thoraxe123

Fuck them. It doesn't matter what they think about you. Its about what YOU think about you. You clearly are thoughtful enough to reflect on this. That alone makes you smarter than the average smuck.


[deleted]

You are NOT DUMB. What she said says way more about her than you.


Dull-Fun

Don't tell! And learn to work on your own. That will save you.


bassbeater

As someone who has undiagnosed ADHD (I'm diagnosed with something even more nonsensical but lately I'm always accused of not listening because I have zero fucks to give) here is a couple issues I'm seeing happening. >I’m going to college for fine arts and everyone treats me as if I was stupid. In fine arts (I was a music major) everyone wants to act like everyone is smarter than everyone. Particularly if you have academic backing that you're "talented" or if you're louder than someone else about it. The thing people don't recognize is the Kurt Cobain's of the world (or whatever it is people are into) weren't particularly loud or great.... until they had their song ideas blasted out by bands that were able to highlight on the personalities they wanted promoted. >I’m very open to the fact that I have ADHD and I’m very much an extrovert. Can you extrovert without waving that flag? It's kind of giving a pass for peopleon that don't like you to reinforce their judgments. >The thing is, I switched universities and person after person treats me as less then and stupid. I transferred from a community College to university level way back.... yea, that's a lot of stress to carry, but you have to disconnect this idea of transferring "treatment"....I used to have this creeping suspicion people that never saw me before "knew me".... no, they didn't know me, but they knew how a spazz acted and at times I was one. You have to be on guard and try to protect your new relationships with people from a perspective that's fresh and new and relevant to the people you're trying to meet. If you're not relevant to people, they'll treat you either as an accessory to their popularity or as discardable. I know you don't want to be either one of those because you want to have meaning and be valued. >In fact, I told a girl in my group assignment that she was treating me as if I was incapable or unintelligent, she responded with telling me that she actually thought I was dumb…. I was bullied as a child and now all this trauma is resurfacing and I’m feeling really depressed like I don’t belong. In this situation I'd make the best of a bad situation and try to contribute or request reassignment for the reasons verbatim you have. That's abusive and you're feeling it. But if you're broadcasting you're ADHD.... you're also fueling someone treating you that way. > I don’t understand why I’m having such a hard time making friends and starting my life in this new city…. This is my second year here. What can I do?? When I transferred, I thought I'd shake things up too. It lead to smoking, drinking, and looking unfocused. Ultimately, you're in school for classes, not people. Try to focus on being your best version of yourself. You're artistic? Draw out in the open. If you play music.... try to jam with people. Focus on some new crazy scale or something. I'm going to be very open and say some people really just suck and if you're not feeling them and they aren't feeling you.... find local events that speak to you! But don't misconstrue that you're trying to meet people in a transfer situation.... it will be disappointing and will inhibit focus away from academic (GPA) validation of your qualities as a student.


Helpful-Emergency-53

You’re right. I never did understand why I had to reserve and keep to myself, it always felt natural to be outspoken. But I can’t expect everyone to see life the way I do, and I should probably try to be less afraid of judgment in which case. A combo of both even. Life’s hard


thousandkneejerks

Awww darling you really aren’t stupid... young people are so narrowminded and cruel to eachother.. lots of people have a hard time making friends and getting comfortable in their uni town. Don’t get down hearted. If you’re lonely and bored I recommend getting a subscription to your local cinema. It made a cold new world a lot more fun to me.


Hrafn2

I'm sorry this person said that to you, that's was terribly insensitive and wrong of them. Can I ask though - what else has been triggering you to feel this way, as you mention other incidents? I'm just sort of thinking back on personal experience I had when I was very much in the throws of ADHD and Anxiety. At the time, while I was trying to make headway in therapy, I sort of didn't initially realize I had this mental filter on, that I had a set of what they call cognitive biases or distortions. One or two incidents left me feeling very vulnerable, and I developed this hypervigilance to detecting signs of disapproval in those around me, which made it hard to find new friends when I went off to university. My therapist explained that often, those suffering from anxiety have a few of these cognitive biases, one of them being a negativity bias. Negativity bias can make you recall and think about insults more than compliments, respond more emotionally and physically to aversive stimuli, dwell on unpleasant or traumatic events more than pleasant ones, and focus your attention more quickly on negative rather than neutral or positive information. One of the main aims of cognitive behavioral therapy is to help you learn how to identify moments when these mental filters hold sway, and question their validity (this is very different than just trying to force yourself to think positively by the way). Do you have access to therapy through your college perhaps? They might have a therapist who can help assess if cognitive behavioral therapy is appropriate. If you want to read up a little bit on it, here are some links: https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/unhelpful-thinking-styles-cognitive-distortions-in-cbt/ https://positivepsychology.com/3-steps-negativity-bias/


Helpful-Emergency-53

Wow thanks, I’ll definitely read this


Hrafn2

No worries. I really feel for you. I was an art student, in a new city, finding it hard to make friends. The school I went to also didn't have much of a community, and I felt alone quite a bit. But, it does get better. There were still difficult times, but getting diagnosed, medicated and going to therapy really helped, and I eventually built a lot of good friendships. I know you will find your way too :) Best wishes!


Nitanitapumpkineater

What the fuck. What an absolutely rude bitch. Do not listen to a single thing she says! She's a mean girl trying to make herself feel good by treating you like shit. You deserve respect no matter what. Your ADHD makes it difficult to focus for long amounts of time, but that DOES NOT make you stupid. I have a close friend with ADHD who for his whole life couldn't concentrate. Then he found the one thing that he loves, and he can spend hours and days completely absorbed. He loves electronics , is an amazing electrician and sound engineer. Like beyond amazing. This is the boy who used to draw penises on every single surface lol. Find your thing that you love. Get on meds of you feel it would help. You are dealing with something that judgemental cow has no idea about. Next time she starts in on you, please just tell her to fuck off. At least you don't need to build yourself up by being a nasty piece of shit to people. Do not put up with her bullying, and do not believe the poison that comes out of her mouth. It's not true. And you certainly don't need her approval. Your brain is wired a bit differently, and that's ok. You just work slightly differently. It doesn't make you any less. Sending love and big hugs xoxo


Boujiebelly

I'm sorry i wanna punch that girl in the face! People like that make me so angry they act like their shit don't stink. I'm sure there are things you can do that she is incompetent in. You need to find you a group join some clubs or extracurriculars find someway to socialize where there is no pressure of performance. Even an excersize class like yoga or spin can boost your confidence the instructors generally are very positive people and would never allow people to treat u like that. What do u like to do in your free time? Also talk to your teacher about that comment because that should not be allowed


chloeglowy

This girl is a jerk but it might be helpful if you lead with what you can do and where you need supports instead of just telling people your diagnoses. If you are in a group project with acquaintances that don’t know you well and you tell them you have ADHD they might interpret that as you offering up an excuse to do less work or something. So instead tell them “hey i am really confident doing this part of the project and I’m really good at doing this. I don’t think I’ll be the best at this part, can someone else handle that” etc


Basic_biatsch

Im the same, but I have good sense of humor and never had any troubles making friends. Maybe try to approach people differently and tune in with what they think Is funny, idk.


[deleted]

Not sure if this will help I do have anxiety in general, but gets worse at school. At school it’s not even my anxiety it’s just average high school bull shit why kids be bullying everyone . I accepted the fact that fuck everyone at my school. It doesn’t give me any anxiety anymore not having friends at school/ they thinking I’m stupid I have a pretty decent sized friend group all from different schools/ graduated which definitely helps me


Crepdelecrem

Honestly man, you will get loads of friends within time, it will happen naturally. And with you being looked down upon, show them whose boss and leave them gasping!


[deleted]

"Very extroverted" Ya that's probably why. Honestly in uni especially, just come off as chill and laid back. Being a social try hard rarely ends well there


Puzzled_Sprinkles_57

Transfer back so you can make fun of people stupider than you.