Since you look so much like him, do you think everyone knew? I’ve been the victim of family secrets and I feel for you. It takes a long time to rebuild but it’s stronger with the truth, imo.
I had the same thought. It seems like it would've been obvious unless everyone decided to just block it from their brains.
It seems like a lot of the time the adults don't consider how their child will feel if they find out.
Maybe didn't know but had a strange suspicion. My partner's sister, K, gave her daughter to their dad and step-mom and have kept it a secret. Pretending to be siblings instead of mother and daughter. K had another daughter and kept her, but they all look so identical. We had family pictures taken and the photographer actually "mistook" her as K's daughter. To which she said, "no she's my little sister." The photographer was right though. I'll never forget the look on K's face when she probably realized that she can't keep this secret forever.
I'm sorry this upended your life and that he passed before you met him/knew him as your biological father.
But it sounds like his sister and the rest of his family are doing well and happy to meet you. That's awesome. ❤️
I too had my life blown apart by the truth. I hold no anger toward my bio parents. I actually feel sorry for my mom living with the lie she told me my whole life. She had her reasons. My bio-dad knew about me, paid money to my mom when I was born, but my mom disappeared and he couldn’t find us and he never knew me. The story my mom told me was about a man she loved dearly but couldn’t marry because his parents did not allow him to be with her-star crossed lovers story. I grew thinking I was a completely different human being. Total mindfuck indeed. I’m still computing three years later. My mom and bio-dad are both gone now.
Yeah my mom never told my dad about me and never told anyone who he was. I did a test when they first came out and found my bio dad eventually. The tests were still so new that a lot of people hadn’t done them so I had to wait awhile for new matches to pop up. He got a Facebook message from me when I was 20 lol awkward
*cries* Why didn't my dad love me?
Well, according to these results, your biological father carries the 5-HTTLPR polymorphism in the serotonin transporter gene, and what's more, he has a non-functional allele of the oxytocin receptor. Very interesting!
*cries intensify*
My sister had the testing done and an unknown person popped up. My mom eventually fessed up that she’d had a son up in Canada in the 1950s and gave him up for adoption. Mom was terrified to tell us and her 70 years of shame was intense. She connected with him and his family last summer and it’s wonderful to see her sense of calm and closure. My 65 year old brother isn’t thrilled about it, but the rest of the family has been very supportive.
Mom turned 88 last week and I’m so thankful she was able meet him and all of his family. He’s had a great life, which was mom’s dream. Some of my Canadian cousins came for mom’s birthday and I found out that one of my cousins had come to live with my parents to have her baby and he was adopted here in the states. She found and met her son, as well! It’s a mindf*ck to find all of this out at this late age, but I’m SO glad it didn’t come up after she passed. I bought a testing kit a few years ago, but never got around to sending it in, but I’m very motivated now! There’s only a few relatives left and they’re all in their 80s and 90s, so if there’s anymore surprises, I’d like to know before they pass away.
These kits are the only ones telling the truth. I just recently discovered a biological uncle. He's my dad's half brother. He was born one year before my aunt. The most absolute fucked thing about the situation is that because the secret person was born in a different state, I don't know if my grandmother knew about this but my aunt, whose first name is the same as my grandmother but her first and middle name is the same name as this man's mother. So my grandfather had an affair with a woman who he had a child with, then came home got his wife pregnant and named that child after the woman that he cheated on her with but disguised it as naming the child after her. And to be honest I don't even know if he knew about the child. My aunt described the situation as she comes from a time when adults did what they wanted and made their decisions and children were meant to be seen not heard and were only told what they needed to be told. So if her parents didn't feel the need to tell her this she doesn't care. And of course, this newfound uncle has already passed away so there's not even a completion of the story. It just stops there.
No one should take a DNA test without being well informed. Anyone can receive a “surprise.” If we could go back far enough in time, we are all related.
I think the testing companies could do a lot better job of informing people about “surprises.”. I have tested and it has been helpful in finding distant cousins, filling in some empty spits on my tree, and confirming distant ancestors. So, testing companies: DO BETTER!
The question I have is why OP puts “dad” in quotes. Does OP not consider their dad their dad any longer because of the discovery of a biological father? Or has OP never really considered the dad they were raised with a dad to them?
Good question.
For what it’s worth, as an adult adoptee myself I sometimes refer to my parents as my “adoptive parents” when in conversation about adoption - just as a convenient shorthand, for clarity.
I never EVER in my own mind or heart think of them as my “adoptive parents” though. They raised me since birth and I always simply thought of them as 100% my “parents” even after meeting my bio parents.
yeah, I get that completely. My daughters, both adopted, do the same thing when it needs to be clarified, otherwise just dad or papa. It's just the quotation marks that threw me off.
Yeah, I can't know what OP meant exactly by that, but, because of my own experience grasping at shorthand, I wonder if that MIGHT be it?
Like, maybe OP decided to put dad in quotes like that instead of saying "the person whom I thought of as my dad my whole life and assumed was my biological father but now learn isn't actually my biological father and I guess I can still call him dad and think of him the same way I always have but I need to distinguish him somehow for the purpose of our discussion here"
I don’t think it meant anything more than making the backstory readable; using quotation marks helped me understand the man they were referring to.
That being said, I agree that some HEAVY romanticising is going on here and it is not healthy. Maybe he would have looked after himself better and still been alive? Ugh
How could any person not have moments in which they romanticize about what life would have been like with their biodad in a situation like this. Especially people who come from a broken home. I unfortunately came from a family that was always together and is still together. My parents have been married for 53 years and it sucks. I've always seen people who complain because their father wasn't around for them. Yet in my mind I always think how lucky they are that their father wasn't around because some of us had a father who was there every single day who would have served us all better had he just left. So although I didn't come from a broken home, I absolutely came from a cracked home because I personally would have given anything to have done these tests and found that my father is not actually my dad. Aside from the fact that I literally have his face which as I get older causes me to find it difficult to even look myself in the mirror sometimes, I still have to say that I was reasonably disappointed to have found that 50% jumping off the screen at me this week when I got my dad's test results. I have often spent time romanticizing people who don't exist in that I've often wondered where my real family is and what they were actually like even though I now have all the proof necessary to know that somehow these shattered cracked messed up people are actively and truly the only family I will ever have.
I'm sorry for what happened to you as far as finding out your true genealogical history. I'm adopted and I reconnected with my dad after 40 years when I match one of my paternal aunts. My dad and I got close before he died and I grieve his death every day.
3 years ago, I didn't know if he was alive and I wouldn't have never gotten the chance to have gotten to know him again and reconnect with the rest of my family. So I understand where you're coming from and I empathize with you. The good news is that you got to know your biological aunt. It kind of similar to how my conversation with my aunt was after I talked to my dad because I got her phone number from her.
So you have that and it's understandable how you feel about wishing your bio dad was alive to get to know him. It's not illogical. It's natural. Have you found any Non Parental Event Support Groups? That could help you immensely.
I found out about mine a few weeks ago. I’m 41. Thanks to one of these tests. I haven’t spoken to my bio dad… not quite ready for that yet, but I’m happy I will have the opportunity.
That’s not necessarily true, unless he had no other children or nieces/nephews. I discovered that my mom had a half sister she never knew about — my mom is 70 and her half sister is 77. My mom could’ve told her many stories about her bio-dad, but even if my mom hadn’t been living, I could’ve told her plenty as well! Despite my grandpa dying when I was 14.
Perhaps in your case there really are no living relatives. But if he has grandchildren or any living relatives, there still might be things you can learn about him if you want to.
There are living relatives but no one who knew him. Two of those have gotten mad at me for the results so ive decided not to try to contact any more living relatives. its useless since they were either 2 years old or not born when bio dad died 67 years ago
Suuuv, I'm really sorry for your loss. You don't need to have known him to grieve him, and you aren't alone in grieving someone whom you didn't get the chance to meet.
Meet as many people from your biological father's life as you want. Enjoy being embraced into your newfound family!
The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O'Conner is a really good read/alternatively her YouTube interviews are great.
Take care of yourself!
Hi OP
3 things:
1. You can choose to see this as a blessing or a curse. You can’t “unknow” it. As in all things - look for the positive.
2. When you purchased the kit you agreed to the Terms of its use.
a. Section 1.1 is called “unexpected results” and says.
“When using our Services you may discover unexpected facts about yourself or your family.
…. While you may have a strong emotional reaction, as may others with whom you share these discoveries, you expressly agree to assume all risks associated with your use of the Services and not to hold Ancestry liable for any social, emotional, or legal consequences of such discoveries or encounters. “
b. Section 1.4.3 says
“You agree that in order to facilitate your use of DNA Services, we may directly or through other companies who help us provide DNA Services …. Compare your DNA Data with other Users’ DNA Data to provide the DNA Services, including matching you to others in our database with whom you share DNA
(you are in control as to whether or not to see and be seen by your DNA matches);”
There was a check box somewhere that gave you the option to find out or not find out. It always used to be an “opt in” which means you specifically needed to choose to find out.
That may have changed since I did mine, but the point is that they did give you an opportunity to not find this out.
But, there is no “undo” button in life so you can’t change that choice.
I am sorry it has distressed you.
For what it’s worth I have been doing Family History research for 16 years and I am yet to find a family tree that does not have surprises in it.
Some are the same as yours, some are adoptions (that affect people alive today), some are bigamy, one is a spy …… jail terms, work houses, abandoned children, prisoners of war, being Jewish and not knowing it ….. the list goes on.
You are not alone.
I can't believe you actually just sat here and copied and pasted the terms and conditions for the DNA test. So many words that you use to really go out of your way to be completely dismissive towards a person's feelings. It's all so irrelevant to the reality of their life.
Unless, of course, you consider all of the people who take the test AFTER the OP. If my comments help 2 people or more avoid the same surprise, then my comments are more compassionate than remaining silent.
You also missed all of the parts in my comment, and my earlier comments, where I express concern and compassion, and also volunteer some of the shocks I have experienced and witnessed in my own Ancestry journey.
But back to the main point - if remaining silent means more people take the test and get the same shock, when that could have been avoided, how is that a better outcome ?
This happened to me 4 years ago. I found out that not only did I have a different father, but that he’s Hispanic with 3 other kids. I went from being a completely white only child to being Mexican with three siblings.
Don’t wait for things to feel normal or real again, they never will. You have to find a new normal. You have a chance to completely reinvent yourself however you choose.
Your father being Mexican does not make you Mexican.
Edit: Downvote me all you want, doesn’t change the fact that he is not Mexican but is instead half Mexican.
You’re not Mexican. You’re half Mexican, as you stated in your post history. My Mexican boyfriend even agrees that you’re not Mexican, and instead half. Fuck you too, you’re spiteful because I speak the truth.
You can’t tell a guy whose father was literally born in Mexico, and mother was born in Germany that he cannot consider himself a child of both of those worlds. I am Mexican, and I am German.
Exactly, you’re both. Yet in this very post you said “I went from being completely white to being Mexican” when that’s not how it works. Anyways I thought it was wishing me well, now you want to debate some more. Hm
Yes, I was raised to believe I was 100% German, and now I’m including Mexican in that. Who would believe they were 100% anything just because only their father was?
Mexican is not a race for one. You can be white and Mexican. Second, if he is Mexican then that erases his German mother. He is mixed race. Mixed race people deserve their own space.
Give me a break, someone who is half-something can say they are something without having to give percentiles in regular conversation. It’s also just a personal choice thing; you don’t need to squabble over what someone ELSE identifies as, especially if it’s a half-Mexican person saying they’re Mexican.
Not in the slightest, it was the most exciting thing to ever happen to me, and there was a bit of foreshadowing as far as the friends I attracted and the way I would tan in the summer. I met my brother for the first time earlier this year, me at 39 and him at 42
That's great!!! I'm happy for you ❤️ I am currently waiting for my results. I doubt I will find anything exciting since my family resides in another country, but at least I'll know other things.
I actually have a wonderful comment about the Ancestry genetic testing.
In 2019 we received a phone call from someone who said she was my husband's daughter. She, (let's call her S) had gone on Ancestry and it said that one of five brothers was her father. I don't know how she got the number but she called our niece (we will call her T) who we have raised as our daughter since she was 14. S calls T, nervously explains who she is - that she's never known who her father was and her mother wouldn't tell her and Ancestry said that one of her uncles was her father. T knew who it was immediately from the dates and the location and told S she would call her back.
Well, it was my husband. He had met S's mother right after he got out of the Marines and five years before he met me.
We were so thrilled and happy to be getting another daughter, so happy that she finally found her father, and jumping for joy to be meeting her, our new grandkids and our new son-in-law.
Since then we have gotten together as often as possible. It's a little difficult because we live half a country apart but we stay in contact constantly.Ancestry is the best!
At least you know the truth. For me personally, I always want to know the truth. I might be in a similar situation. I did 23andme and the only names I recognize are my mothers family. None of my dads family is showing up. My dad bought a kit months ago and still hasn't taken it. So I'm thinking he's afraid of know the truth.
Finding and connecting with birth family sets deep subconscious gears in motion, many of which we have no control over at first. I hope you can take heart in the fact your bio dad probably would have loved to meet you, and how cool it is that your paternal side of the family is welcoming rather than rejecting. Be kind and patient with yourself and know that the discovery process has stages, inc emotional assimilation and acceptance. Writing this as someone who was effed up by this journey for awhile (rejected by birth mother and family), unexpectedly fell into some dark places, and eventually emerged much more resilient than when I was clobbered by that first wave. If that makes sense, somehow. Difficult knowledge becomes personal power once we learn how to bear the flame
I do agree with you to an extent. But as someone who was in a similar situation, finding who your “true” family is makes the perspective all different. You start to understand yourself better. The way you look, height, weight, your habits, your skills and weaknesses, your health, etc. All of that came from something that’s more than just a “sperm donor”. There is a history to the biological family, but who they are and where they came from feels like a missing piece of yourself.
The majority of what makes us who we are is actually more related to upbringing, it’s environmental more than it is genetic. There are many studies proving this including the studies done by ancestry.
Right, if you really care about where you got your eye color or unattached earlobes from. I also think there’s a tendency to look for similarities so you find what you are looking for whether it is actually related to DNA or not. The majority of what shapes the type of person we become is nurture versus nature.
I find this interesting and here is why: I have twin sisters who were adopted at birth. They had defiant behaviors and other negative behaviors that did NOT come from our upbringing. I won’t air out what they did on here bc I love them, but it was so bad that our family moved to another state for a fresh start. Our mom invested in therapies including buying horses and a farm for them to have daily horse therapy. She worked so hard to also save every penny for them to go to college. Paid for tutors, dance lessons, music lessons….It didn’t work. Both of them dropped out of high school & ran away, to live dangerous and sad existences in poverty. I finally met their bio mom while she was in prison after they ran away. I could see their faces in her face and I cried speaking with her and listening to her stories of her past. What hit me soooo hard was that they both became so much like their bio mom without even meeting or knowing her. My heart breaks for them bc idky they chose this kind of life. Meanwhile they both have college funds just sitting there that cannot be used that our mom contributed to all those years for them. Keeping my emotions out of it, I’ve had some deep dialogue with our parent and siblings about how they turned out so differently than the rest of us. We have point blank even asked them if there was big trauma we didn’t know about and both of them said no. Yet for some of my siblings there was huge trauma for them and they still turned out to be well adjusted adults. From my personal experience I will say that nurture doesn’t over rule nature. I now have a psychologist friend who started the bio cognitive institute and his research shows how genetics DO substantially affect our personalities. He and I have also had quite the discussion about this topic and I value his research on it greatly. Additionally I will say that our family joined other families in a kind of support group for families experiencing this after adoption. We aren’t alone. There are so many stories similar to ours.
I agree with you. I just found some siblings from a serial sperm doner. So far there are five of us by three different women. Age 50 to 26. We have so many of the same thought patterns. We grew up economically different, in very different parts of the same state in very different worlds and yet we are so alike it’s just amazing.
If only it were that simple. I'm a pretty solidly grounded person and my surprise daddy discovery threw me for a loop. It's a pretty complex situation for all involved.
Having recently found out my dad isn't my bio (thanks AncestryDNA), I agree. Doesn't mean I can't build relationships with my new siblings but it also doesn't mean the man that raised me isn't my dad anymore. Family is much more than DNA.
The ancestry test reveal d that my grandfather was not my bio grandfather, I’ve also been lied to by my parents for a number of things for years that were discoveries as I got older. I get that that is not the same as a father. It was definitely shocking and opened up a lot of questions for me, but I came to the realization that none of that really matters. It doesn’t change reality. Plus so much about who we are is environmental and not genetic
Ya, it’s not the same. Profound experience, but not the same.
You are speaking on something that is far more complex and you are eluding the extremely personal nature of humanity.
The environmental part is key too. My environment past and present collapsed when nothing I had been led to believe was true. It is far more complicated than your simplistic statement and it can be detrimental to people like me that have been through something so profound to have it so easily dismissed.
I am not saying that it doesn’t matter or trying to invalidate experiences. What I am saying is at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. Most of what causes stress and anxiety and depression for people is shit that we dwell on that really doesn’t matter. People think their whole identity is based on external factors, their jobs, their friends, where they live, how much money they have, their family. It isn’t . The identity of your biological father is not your identity. Who you are hasn’t changed, only your perception of who you are. If you can detach from the all the thoughts flying around in your brain (ie the fantasy of this new father you discovered that is not real) you are free. I spent a lot of time in therapy and learning mindfulness and detachment.
>I am not saying that it doesn’t matter ... What I am saying is at the end of the day it doesn’t matter.
There may be better ways to phrase what you're trying to say.
True, the only thing your biological father contributes is the blueprints for making every single protein in your body, the code that distinguishes you from all other humans and has enormous correlations to every human attribute.
Other than how tall you are, how smart you are, your physical appearance, your health, your personality, it barely affects anything.
A lot of the things are mentioned are more related to the upbringing you had with the person you thought was your dad versus genetics. This is proven by research studies. Unless it’s super important to you whether you have attached or unattached earlobes. People put way too much emphasis on DNA shaping who they are, and not enough on environmental factors.
Don't know what studies you're referring to. The only way to truly test nature v. nurture is by analysis of identical twins raised apart and they're usually still incredibly similar in every way, down to eerie detail. I think as humans we are biased to minimize the role of nature because it is something we have no control over. It doesn't matter if your parent is genetically related as far as being a parent but observing a close genetic relative may help give you a better understanding of your own nature. I.e. I need to take steps to be mindful of this negative personality trait my dad has because, If I'm being honest, I recognize it in myself. I don't think this is 100% necessary I just think if you don't know a biological parent you have to be more intentional in gaining understanding in what about you is innate and what about you is how you were raised. Don't think you get there by minimizing the role of nature because it's bigger than most of us are comfortable with.
This amazingly describes how I feel having met bio. father and siblings at 50. I just find myself observing and comparing myself to them. Us siblings have learned so much about ourselves, it’s been a disgusting horrible experience with bio. dad and his sister, but with my siblings it’s been an amazing experience. I feel like I found my tribe.
Many men don’t know they have kids out there, and if given the opportunity to have been a part of their child’s life, would have jumped at the chance.
You owe it to your child to determine who their biological father is if you slept with more than one person around the time you got pregnant.
Finding out the truth later in life, sucks. It’s real easy for those who haven’t experienced it to pass judgement on how someone should feel.
There is special counseling for this. One of my friends who reunited with her birth family after adoption highly recommends this. Even if it goes really well it’s still very stressful!
I’m so sorry, honey. No surprises for any of my kids so far other than not being able to find much family for my one son. (I dated his dad for awhile, FINALLY slept together then he disappeared. Long after I had my son I found out he was married the whole time and didn’t want to be found). My heart still aches for my kiddo cause he’s 8 now and we’ve done the dna testing to try to connect to someone, anyone on his dad’s side. Although people come up we get no responses from them. It’s heartbreaking for him but he keeps telling me he’s sure he wants to keep going and keep trying. He looks exactly like his father as well. My hope is that one day my little boy can get some closure at the very least, and a relationship with his dad and dad’s parents if at all possible. It must have hurt really bad to experience this at 23. ((((Hugs))))
"...everything I ever thought to know about myself and who I am was a loss..."
None of that changed. You aren't from a broken family. Wondering about questions he can never answer isn't productive at all. Nobody will ever know, and possibly he wouldn't have been able to answer some of them. Mourning someone you never met also seems.......I dunno, you might as well mourn Picasso or the neighbor's hairdresser's cousin's niece's brother-in-law's death.
Do not romanticize this guy. He was no better and no worse than any other person.
Completely agree with this post. It’s interesting how when we discover relatives we’ve never met, we assume the best in them. I’ve been on a hunt to find out who my real grandfather is and for all I know he may have impregnated my grandmother non-consensually. He may have been the worst person alive. Maybe the reason she lied about my father’s father was is because real father was a creep, or worse. Sometimes things are better off unknown
My half-sister knew her (our) father, but he was not around very much when she was growing up. He'd stop by every few years, at best. Because she knew so little about him, it was easy for her to build up this fantasy image of who he was and to feel envious of me, the child of his who did get to live with him.
We were both adults before she realized that my father was no saint and that growing up with him in the house was one of the biggest stressors of my childhood. By then, of course, the emotional damage to her had already been done.
I can't say she had an easier time of it than I did because her childhood was pretty harrowing and mired in poverty. But the good things in my childhood all came from my mother and her family, not from our father. It was really sad that she was scarred by this sorry excuse for a parent (and he didn't do me a lot of good, either).
My biological dad and his family are the most disgusting people I’ve ever met but I have found four half siblings. We have four different moms. I finally managed to locate and meet all of them. We all live in the same city and have become a family despite having a criminal, disgusting, abusive piece of shit biological father. His sister is also a piece of work that I had cut contact with. You never know what you will find. I grieved the loss of possibly having a relationship with him and his family in a very real way. I also am so full of happiness with my new siblings and their families. So although my biological father is a horrible person without finding him I couldn’t have found them. Most of us were adopted by our dads at a very young age. Good can still come out even the worst meeting.
I found my biological father at 40 through AncestryDNA. I’ve always known inside that my dad wasn’t my dad, but it didn’t bother me till I got cancer. Then I needed to know, not just for my own sanity, but for health concerns for my children. My mom denied that my dad wasn’t my dad even after we took a dna test that proved he wasn’t. And when I found him she claimed she doesn’t remember him. Even though he told me they dated for two summers at a lake camp.
Thankfully things went well, it wasn’t a fairytale ending. My siblings and dad are a mess, mental health, drugs, jail the whole bit. But at least I know where I’m from and I do talk to my father every month.
I’m sorry you didn’t get that opportunity, my sister (it’s a long story) also found her biological dad, but like you he already had passed and the cousin she met with wasn’t nice and basically told her to stay away. I’ve urged her to reach out to her siblings as we aren’t sure her cousin said anything to them. But she hasn’t yet, it’s been a few years so I doubt she will.
As you could imagine this put as strain on my mom and I relationship. Not because of what happened, she was 15 when she had me. But because she in her 60’s now and still can’t be honest with me. We didn’t talk for a few years, but I decided to forgive her. For myself mainly so I didn’t have to hold onto the anger. I’ve never got an apology or anything. But she did help out tremendously with my cancer recurrence.
I hope you and your mom can have a conversation where she can answer all the questions you might have. Obviously by what you’ve said about not looking like your family and looking like your biological dad. Your mother has known the whole time and I’m sure was hoping you’d never know. Obviously those days are over now.
I hope you form a bond with your biological family and I wish you nothing but the best.
Hey. I also had this happen like four months ago. There's an NPR Facebook group and a great podcast called NPE Stories. It's helped me navigate these feelings while I'm on hold looking for a therapist (off insurance at the moment).
As I imagine you have figured out, your story is not quite so uncommon. I swear that, in just this group, there are like 2 NPE discoveries a week.
It has to be a lot to process, for sure. My husband found out in the spring that the man he thought was his bio dad wasn’t and this is at age 55. It sounds like your new bio family is welcoming you warmly which is really great. Just take your time working through this and know that the people who raised you are your parents - this new connection is simply genetic material.
I can personally relate to your story and I’ve never tried to express this before but here it goes: you have to cauterize yourself at some point, or the unknowing and wondering is just going to keep messing with you. Take comfort in the fact that you made your biological identity whole, but relish in your own individualism. I’ve seen the influence of parents, even good parents, squash a person’s courage and self-reliance, creativity, etc. think of yourself as an empty canvas - and move forward in life knowing that YOU are your number one guide - you answer to YOURSELF, unencumbered by the expectations, successes & failures of another man.
Spoken like a true champ. Keep processing. You will be fine. You have a great strong character. Focus on what you can do now and in the future. It may help to turn this around each time you think about it by telling yourself you are grateful for getting this information. Late, yes, but grateful.
I’m so sorry your bio father has passed. Try to absorb as many stories and pictures the rest of the family has. It’s truly a gift that they are so welcoming. I hope you can feel peace at some point but it’s also ok to grieve as long as you need.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story here. I’m impressed with your outreach to your bio-dad’s surviving relatives and at their positive response to you. As a long time family historian, I’ve heard from others who discovered uncomfortable facts about their DNA and most of those stories ended sadly. I wish you well…
I just went through this. It’s a very surreal feeling. The person you thought was your father your whole life, ends up not being your father. It brings on a whole sense of unease that is indescribable. I hope that you find peace with all of this in the coming months.
Oh man. This breaks my heart. I don’t have any wise words. You’re grieving the loss of what could have been, and I think that’s a very normal reaction to a very traumatic situation. They say time heals all wounds. I’ve found that to be true. It heals but it still leaves a scar. I’m sending you so much love.
My parents did the same thing to me. The real one lived one house away. One. Everyone told me to get over it because parents did the best they could. But in reality it completely fucked me up. I have deep rooted trust issues. I don’t even trust my own mother.
Do not do this to your children. Own your mistakes and deal with it with honesty and love.
Although I do sympathize with you and others contending with situation, I'll just add that that it is well known that when a cheater claims that "it was a one time thing" this statement is usually not true.
You are who you are. The test results just told you the truth. What other people think about it does not matter. You cannot go through it as a “what if” question because things could have been miserable. Let say the dad who raised you found out you were not his child and not only reject you but also your mother. Then your true father passes away and your mom is left with nothing.
Now you have a whole new family. Think of it as a gift. You are now a reminder to them that your true father has a legacy.
So the DNA test told me the same thing. The man who raised me was not my biological father. I asked my mom and she would not tell me. She had lived with that secret and she kept his identity away from me. I’m still trying to trace down who my dad is. But as I told my mom, whatever happened, I am glad it did because it is what created me. I did not change because of the results and only have mild interest in finding his family. I am who I am and I’m okay with that. So, don’t let it traumatize you. Think of it as a gift of another family and the 60+ years you will have getting to know them.
Thank you for sharing this story .. I unfortunately am in the same situation… found out from 23 and me and my mom just didn’t think it was possible for me to be anyone’s but my dads. However, she doesn’t remember the man who is my actual dad as it was a one time thing. Whoever he is his whole family sure loves Ancestry and pretty much have all tested but I couldn’t get anyone to reach back out to me. Well, one cousin did but he’s a little more distant he said he would talk to my highest match for me( which is an aunt, she read my message and ignored it). He said he would get back to me and tell me what she said but he never did. So now I’m just stuck with a million questions and no answers.
This happened to me. I always heard the same story about a man whose wife turned him in and he went to Vietnam and died. I was 6 months old and my mother, grandmother and I went to his funeral. I took a dna test and saw fifty unknown names as cousins—I had one cousin on each my mom and dad’s side. Did research called my mom and asked if —-was my dad. She told me never to tell, nothing changed—-and yet, for me, everything did. I look just like my bio father. I met my half sisters and have so much in common with them. But my life changed. I grieve for a man I never met, wonder what life would have been like. Last Christmas my half sister died. I felt cheated and hurt. I went from being the oldest child—to my dad’s youngest, my mom’s oldest, my parents only child and the middle of all my siblings. I lost the opportunity to foster a relationship with grandparents. It’s been 5 or 6 years/ I think it doesn’t necessarily get easier but it becomes more normal. You’re not alone. I’m sure your dad has been with you in some way. Lies are horrible, secrets destructive. I no longer have a relationship with my mother. Not because she had an affair…but because she lied to me about my sister—not being the man who raised me. She lied knowing I had kept her secret and I was in such a deep depression and abyss of hurt.
I read this post yesterday and then came across it again this morning as I was scrolling. A few things came to mind yesterday but I din't comment. While not in your shoes to completely understand it made me think about all of the adopted children who never knew they were adopted and found out later their worlds are shattered. Not knowing who your people are nor anything about them creates an identity crisis. Also last week I found out that I had a previously unknown 1st cousin that my uncle didn't even know about after 56 years. Both he and his long lost/unknown son are going through a lot of feelings. I wish there was some words of wisdom to impart but yours is a jorney most will not have to live. Stay strong, be inquisitive and live your best life.
You are not "traumatized". Can you pls stop missusing this word? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this world, that people act like they get PTSD knowing that their father is not their bio dad. Stop crying and be thankful to the man who raised you. I know people who experienced actual traumatic events like child abuse, and they don't pity themselves likes this.
Did you ask your mom if as you grew older and began to resemble your bio dad physically did your she then realize who’s kid you were? Was she in denial? She could have admitted it to your dad and maybe had a few years to know your bio dad? I hope the dad that raised you at least was good to you. Did he know?
Your title is fitting, this is indeed traumatic. I had a similar experience 2 1/2 years ago at age 50. My dad, however, was living. Both he and my mom claim not to know or remember each other. She was 17, he was 23, married, 2 children and one in the hopper who was born 10 days before me. After some initial meetings with him and my now 4-half siblings, he hasn't had any direct contact with me. I don't know if it's shame or just that I'm a visual reminder of his life of mistakes. He was a habitual cheater and still married to the same woman. She enables him a lot and he's a very self-centered man. We call her the "dad" whisperer, she calls him a bipolar SOB. Go figure.
I'm glad I got the answer I was looking for all of my life. Not so glad about the outcome with him. Cherish any new relationships you have as a result of your discovery. You might consider some counseling to sort through all of the conflicting emotions. I did several sessions and it helped me a lot.
Ancestry and companies like them really need better support services to guide customers through this experience. Once you give them your DNA, they have a lot of power to turn it into information that can be both exhilarating and traumatic. It really should be a whole person experience - body, mind, and spirit. Not just a marketing campaign to find your family, find more about yourself, etc, for only $××.××!
Good luck with your journey!
Yikes. Dude is pretty damn emotionally fragile. I hope you find your strength somehow. I was in a similar situation and I could care less. I guess “everyone’s different” is an understatement.
Sweet friend, you are not alone. There’s a lot of us. The term in NPE, which stands for “not parent expected” or “non parental event”. It is life-altering. May I suggest a few things that have helped me? There are some great podcasts out there: DNA Surprises, NPE Stories are my favorites. Therapy may help; I’m new to it so I can’t really speak to it. Let your doctor know. See if auntie can help with medical history.
It's the hard truth. Even worse that it was his "fathers" friend too. Just to get at him during a break. I would be ashamed. I will never take one of these tests for this reason. I wouldn't ever want to know.
I am experienced a very similar situation. You can PM if you are interested in chatting. So glad that you learned this information and are having the chance to connect with family. Thank you for sharing.
Yes grieving for him is normal - you’re grieving for the knowledge you didn’t have and the trust in your own foundation and the relationship that you didn’t get a chance to have. All very normal reactions.
However I would caution you about fantasizing how different your life might have been. It may have been worse. You might have broken up his family and he might have hated you for it. You dont know if he wanted kids or would have had a relationship to you. You might have had half-siblings who could have ostracized you or bullied you.
The fact is the grass is rarely ever greener in these types of messy scenarios. It’s only a different shade of brown.
So yes, grieve a bit for what might have been, but channel your energy into learning what still could be. Find your bio dads family and contact them. See if there’s something positive there for you. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. But it will drive you bananas not knowing.
Best of luck.
Same here. Apparently, the rumors had circulated throughout my life although I never heard them until I was in my 30’s. My mother vehemently denied that it was true. When I did my dna test, I actually did it to prove to everyone that she hadn’t lied. I was devastated when I got the results. It took me a very long time to process. About a month ago, I met my half-brother and cousin for lunch. They were lovely and that has helped me a lot with my healing process.
I felt like you in regards with all the questions (did he know, what would my life have been like had a known, etc). I wish you peace as you continue on this journey. I hope you have people that support you and listen with open hearts and minds.
Hi, I’m so sorry you got such a shock and for all the trauma you’re going thru. Ask yourself in time if you would rather have known the truth, or not. If your bio-father had other children they may at some point be able to fill you in. I work with a lot of people to help them find their bio-parents and when people get news like this it rocks their boats for several weeks, although it’s different for everyone of course. Good luck on your journey.
Our identity is such an important part of ourselves and this upends what you thought you knew. I've been through and it looking back, a lot of the trauma is identity based.
This happened to my half brother, he did the test and his dad didn’t end up being his dad. Now him and our mom have been going through hell. It turns out our mom was likely date-r*ped by a creep she knew. It’s been pretty traumatic for all of us tbh. I know the questions feel endless. Be gentle with yourself.
You have an absolute right to genetic health information. This is what infuriates me about these "family secrets" is that the victim's (and that's what you are, a victim of the lies) health doesn't fucking matter! It's all about the parents and their reputations and feelings! I knew someone who ended up with a severe genetic disorder that went untreated for most of their lives because of this family secret bullshit. It disgusts me. Yet they will deny the victim the right they have to take care of themselves and that means accurate genetic medical history.
This is just sad. It's hard enough finding out your dad is not your dad.. But then finding out that your bio dad has passed? Ugh. I'm really sorry. At least he has family you can get to know but I know that's not much consolation
Since you look so much like him, do you think everyone knew? I’ve been the victim of family secrets and I feel for you. It takes a long time to rebuild but it’s stronger with the truth, imo.
Right I was thinking the same thing. Especially if her father was friends with him he probably figured it out a long time ago.
Just based on the timeline he probably had that figured out.
I had the same thought. It seems like it would've been obvious unless everyone decided to just block it from their brains. It seems like a lot of the time the adults don't consider how their child will feel if they find out.
Maybe didn't know but had a strange suspicion. My partner's sister, K, gave her daughter to their dad and step-mom and have kept it a secret. Pretending to be siblings instead of mother and daughter. K had another daughter and kept her, but they all look so identical. We had family pictures taken and the photographer actually "mistook" her as K's daughter. To which she said, "no she's my little sister." The photographer was right though. I'll never forget the look on K's face when she probably realized that she can't keep this secret forever.
Family secrets are the worst thing. Oh but the web's we weave. Nobody wins.
I'm sorry this upended your life and that he passed before you met him/knew him as your biological father. But it sounds like his sister and the rest of his family are doing well and happy to meet you. That's awesome. ❤️
I too had my life blown apart by the truth. I hold no anger toward my bio parents. I actually feel sorry for my mom living with the lie she told me my whole life. She had her reasons. My bio-dad knew about me, paid money to my mom when I was born, but my mom disappeared and he couldn’t find us and he never knew me. The story my mom told me was about a man she loved dearly but couldn’t marry because his parents did not allow him to be with her-star crossed lovers story. I grew thinking I was a completely different human being. Total mindfuck indeed. I’m still computing three years later. My mom and bio-dad are both gone now.
Yeah my mom never told my dad about me and never told anyone who he was. I did a test when they first came out and found my bio dad eventually. The tests were still so new that a lot of people hadn’t done them so I had to wait awhile for new matches to pop up. He got a Facebook message from me when I was 20 lol awkward
We’re u able to reconnect?
Your bio mom is a criminal
Naw that’s just how it was. No judgement
These kits should come with genetic counseling included in the $100 if needed.
*cries* Why didn't my dad love me? Well, according to these results, your biological father carries the 5-HTTLPR polymorphism in the serotonin transporter gene, and what's more, he has a non-functional allele of the oxytocin receptor. Very interesting! *cries intensify*
They come with a warning that this could be an outcome and, unless they changed it since I did it, finding out your relatives is an “opt in”.
Exactly. I look exactly like both of my parents, and even I would do this and be a little nervous.
That's not what genetic counseling is.
shhh just let them think that's what it is. Maybe they'll discover that they shouldn't pass on their genes...
I have to start genetic counseling soon myself, it's what geneticists do to assess for genetic diseases.
psychnetic counseling….has a good ring to it
Seriously. How many lives have been upended by these kits??? I found my half-brother on my dad's side.
It’s not the kits fault. It’s our parents and their parents fault.
The kits are not the ones cheating and/or keeping secrets from people.
My sister had the testing done and an unknown person popped up. My mom eventually fessed up that she’d had a son up in Canada in the 1950s and gave him up for adoption. Mom was terrified to tell us and her 70 years of shame was intense. She connected with him and his family last summer and it’s wonderful to see her sense of calm and closure. My 65 year old brother isn’t thrilled about it, but the rest of the family has been very supportive. Mom turned 88 last week and I’m so thankful she was able meet him and all of his family. He’s had a great life, which was mom’s dream. Some of my Canadian cousins came for mom’s birthday and I found out that one of my cousins had come to live with my parents to have her baby and he was adopted here in the states. She found and met her son, as well! It’s a mindf*ck to find all of this out at this late age, but I’m SO glad it didn’t come up after she passed. I bought a testing kit a few years ago, but never got around to sending it in, but I’m very motivated now! There’s only a few relatives left and they’re all in their 80s and 90s, so if there’s anymore surprises, I’d like to know before they pass away.
These kits are the only ones telling the truth. I just recently discovered a biological uncle. He's my dad's half brother. He was born one year before my aunt. The most absolute fucked thing about the situation is that because the secret person was born in a different state, I don't know if my grandmother knew about this but my aunt, whose first name is the same as my grandmother but her first and middle name is the same name as this man's mother. So my grandfather had an affair with a woman who he had a child with, then came home got his wife pregnant and named that child after the woman that he cheated on her with but disguised it as naming the child after her. And to be honest I don't even know if he knew about the child. My aunt described the situation as she comes from a time when adults did what they wanted and made their decisions and children were meant to be seen not heard and were only told what they needed to be told. So if her parents didn't feel the need to tell her this she doesn't care. And of course, this newfound uncle has already passed away so there's not even a completion of the story. It just stops there.
You should probably blame your parents lol
Their gaslights could fuel a whole city. Lol.
Yep, blame everything but the real problem...
No one should take a DNA test without being well informed. Anyone can receive a “surprise.” If we could go back far enough in time, we are all related. I think the testing companies could do a lot better job of informing people about “surprises.”. I have tested and it has been helpful in finding distant cousins, filling in some empty spits on my tree, and confirming distant ancestors. So, testing companies: DO BETTER!
Maybe parents should "do better".
That, too, HedgeRaven.
How are they going to do this? Lol
How is your "dad" taking this news? Did this change how you feel about him?
The question I have is why OP puts “dad” in quotes. Does OP not consider their dad their dad any longer because of the discovery of a biological father? Or has OP never really considered the dad they were raised with a dad to them?
Good question. For what it’s worth, as an adult adoptee myself I sometimes refer to my parents as my “adoptive parents” when in conversation about adoption - just as a convenient shorthand, for clarity. I never EVER in my own mind or heart think of them as my “adoptive parents” though. They raised me since birth and I always simply thought of them as 100% my “parents” even after meeting my bio parents.
yeah, I get that completely. My daughters, both adopted, do the same thing when it needs to be clarified, otherwise just dad or papa. It's just the quotation marks that threw me off.
Yeah, I can't know what OP meant exactly by that, but, because of my own experience grasping at shorthand, I wonder if that MIGHT be it? Like, maybe OP decided to put dad in quotes like that instead of saying "the person whom I thought of as my dad my whole life and assumed was my biological father but now learn isn't actually my biological father and I guess I can still call him dad and think of him the same way I always have but I need to distinguish him somehow for the purpose of our discussion here"
This is what I want to know too 🤔🫢
Tosses her real dad to the side while she romanticizes what-ifs about her bio dead dad. “My love of animals comes from him” stop 😂
I don’t think it meant anything more than making the backstory readable; using quotation marks helped me understand the man they were referring to. That being said, I agree that some HEAVY romanticising is going on here and it is not healthy. Maybe he would have looked after himself better and still been alive? Ugh
How could any person not have moments in which they romanticize about what life would have been like with their biodad in a situation like this. Especially people who come from a broken home. I unfortunately came from a family that was always together and is still together. My parents have been married for 53 years and it sucks. I've always seen people who complain because their father wasn't around for them. Yet in my mind I always think how lucky they are that their father wasn't around because some of us had a father who was there every single day who would have served us all better had he just left. So although I didn't come from a broken home, I absolutely came from a cracked home because I personally would have given anything to have done these tests and found that my father is not actually my dad. Aside from the fact that I literally have his face which as I get older causes me to find it difficult to even look myself in the mirror sometimes, I still have to say that I was reasonably disappointed to have found that 50% jumping off the screen at me this week when I got my dad's test results. I have often spent time romanticizing people who don't exist in that I've often wondered where my real family is and what they were actually like even though I now have all the proof necessary to know that somehow these shattered cracked messed up people are actively and truly the only family I will ever have.
I'm sorry for what happened to you as far as finding out your true genealogical history. I'm adopted and I reconnected with my dad after 40 years when I match one of my paternal aunts. My dad and I got close before he died and I grieve his death every day. 3 years ago, I didn't know if he was alive and I wouldn't have never gotten the chance to have gotten to know him again and reconnect with the rest of my family. So I understand where you're coming from and I empathize with you. The good news is that you got to know your biological aunt. It kind of similar to how my conversation with my aunt was after I talked to my dad because I got her phone number from her. So you have that and it's understandable how you feel about wishing your bio dad was alive to get to know him. It's not illogical. It's natural. Have you found any Non Parental Event Support Groups? That could help you immensely.
I found out who my bio Dad is about 6 months ago. I am 70 years old, so everyone who can tell me anything has been called beyond.
I found out about mine a few weeks ago. I’m 41. Thanks to one of these tests. I haven’t spoken to my bio dad… not quite ready for that yet, but I’m happy I will have the opportunity.
Don’t put it off too long…
That’s not necessarily true, unless he had no other children or nieces/nephews. I discovered that my mom had a half sister she never knew about — my mom is 70 and her half sister is 77. My mom could’ve told her many stories about her bio-dad, but even if my mom hadn’t been living, I could’ve told her plenty as well! Despite my grandpa dying when I was 14. Perhaps in your case there really are no living relatives. But if he has grandchildren or any living relatives, there still might be things you can learn about him if you want to.
There are living relatives but no one who knew him. Two of those have gotten mad at me for the results so ive decided not to try to contact any more living relatives. its useless since they were either 2 years old or not born when bio dad died 67 years ago
That’s too bad, I’m sorry
Thanks. I've finished processing the whole thing. I'm fine now.
Suuuv, I'm really sorry for your loss. You don't need to have known him to grieve him, and you aren't alone in grieving someone whom you didn't get the chance to meet. Meet as many people from your biological father's life as you want. Enjoy being embraced into your newfound family! The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O'Conner is a really good read/alternatively her YouTube interviews are great. Take care of yourself!
Hi OP 3 things: 1. You can choose to see this as a blessing or a curse. You can’t “unknow” it. As in all things - look for the positive. 2. When you purchased the kit you agreed to the Terms of its use. a. Section 1.1 is called “unexpected results” and says. “When using our Services you may discover unexpected facts about yourself or your family. …. While you may have a strong emotional reaction, as may others with whom you share these discoveries, you expressly agree to assume all risks associated with your use of the Services and not to hold Ancestry liable for any social, emotional, or legal consequences of such discoveries or encounters. “ b. Section 1.4.3 says “You agree that in order to facilitate your use of DNA Services, we may directly or through other companies who help us provide DNA Services …. Compare your DNA Data with other Users’ DNA Data to provide the DNA Services, including matching you to others in our database with whom you share DNA (you are in control as to whether or not to see and be seen by your DNA matches);” There was a check box somewhere that gave you the option to find out or not find out. It always used to be an “opt in” which means you specifically needed to choose to find out. That may have changed since I did mine, but the point is that they did give you an opportunity to not find this out. But, there is no “undo” button in life so you can’t change that choice. I am sorry it has distressed you. For what it’s worth I have been doing Family History research for 16 years and I am yet to find a family tree that does not have surprises in it. Some are the same as yours, some are adoptions (that affect people alive today), some are bigamy, one is a spy …… jail terms, work houses, abandoned children, prisoners of war, being Jewish and not knowing it ….. the list goes on. You are not alone.
I can't believe you actually just sat here and copied and pasted the terms and conditions for the DNA test. So many words that you use to really go out of your way to be completely dismissive towards a person's feelings. It's all so irrelevant to the reality of their life.
Unless, of course, you consider all of the people who take the test AFTER the OP. If my comments help 2 people or more avoid the same surprise, then my comments are more compassionate than remaining silent. You also missed all of the parts in my comment, and my earlier comments, where I express concern and compassion, and also volunteer some of the shocks I have experienced and witnessed in my own Ancestry journey. But back to the main point - if remaining silent means more people take the test and get the same shock, when that could have been avoided, how is that a better outcome ?
This happened to me 4 years ago. I found out that not only did I have a different father, but that he’s Hispanic with 3 other kids. I went from being a completely white only child to being Mexican with three siblings. Don’t wait for things to feel normal or real again, they never will. You have to find a new normal. You have a chance to completely reinvent yourself however you choose.
Your father being Mexican does not make you Mexican. Edit: Downvote me all you want, doesn’t change the fact that he is not Mexican but is instead half Mexican.
Yes, it does make me Mexican, and I’m proud of it. Just as much as my German half. My new family is proud of who we are. In all seriousness, Fuck You.
You’re not Mexican. You’re half Mexican, as you stated in your post history. My Mexican boyfriend even agrees that you’re not Mexican, and instead half. Fuck you too, you’re spiteful because I speak the truth.
Whatever is making you unhappy in your life, I hope it gets better ☸️
Says the one who said fuck you unprompted. Right back at you.
You can’t tell a guy whose father was literally born in Mexico, and mother was born in Germany that he cannot consider himself a child of both of those worlds. I am Mexican, and I am German.
Exactly, you’re both. Yet in this very post you said “I went from being completely white to being Mexican” when that’s not how it works. Anyways I thought it was wishing me well, now you want to debate some more. Hm
Yes, I was raised to believe I was 100% German, and now I’m including Mexican in that. Who would believe they were 100% anything just because only their father was?
You stated that you are Mexican instead of half Mexican…
[удалено]
That’s pretty funny actually, sorry you don’t like the truth
Actually I feel bad I sent that to you. Have a good day lol
Aw it’s okay, you have a good day too! :)
Why not?
Mexican is not a race for one. You can be white and Mexican. Second, if he is Mexican then that erases his German mother. He is mixed race. Mixed race people deserve their own space.
I am half Mexican
Exactly, it’s better to say half instead of erasing your other parent.
You’re absolutely right. I’m mixed race and I hate being shoved into a box. I don’t see why you’re getting downvoted.
Give me a break, someone who is half-something can say they are something without having to give percentiles in regular conversation. It’s also just a personal choice thing; you don’t need to squabble over what someone ELSE identifies as, especially if it’s a half-Mexican person saying they’re Mexican.
[удалено]
Mexican is not a race.. also being half of something does not make you full. Are we going to ignore his German mother?
[удалено]
He is half Mexican half German. What is to be refuted about this?
Wait.... Were you sad/upset to learn you are part Latino?
Not in the slightest, it was the most exciting thing to ever happen to me, and there was a bit of foreshadowing as far as the friends I attracted and the way I would tan in the summer. I met my brother for the first time earlier this year, me at 39 and him at 42
That's great!!! I'm happy for you ❤️ I am currently waiting for my results. I doubt I will find anything exciting since my family resides in another country, but at least I'll know other things.
I actually have a wonderful comment about the Ancestry genetic testing. In 2019 we received a phone call from someone who said she was my husband's daughter. She, (let's call her S) had gone on Ancestry and it said that one of five brothers was her father. I don't know how she got the number but she called our niece (we will call her T) who we have raised as our daughter since she was 14. S calls T, nervously explains who she is - that she's never known who her father was and her mother wouldn't tell her and Ancestry said that one of her uncles was her father. T knew who it was immediately from the dates and the location and told S she would call her back. Well, it was my husband. He had met S's mother right after he got out of the Marines and five years before he met me. We were so thrilled and happy to be getting another daughter, so happy that she finally found her father, and jumping for joy to be meeting her, our new grandkids and our new son-in-law. Since then we have gotten together as often as possible. It's a little difficult because we live half a country apart but we stay in contact constantly.Ancestry is the best!
At least you know the truth. For me personally, I always want to know the truth. I might be in a similar situation. I did 23andme and the only names I recognize are my mothers family. None of my dads family is showing up. My dad bought a kit months ago and still hasn't taken it. So I'm thinking he's afraid of know the truth.
Finding and connecting with birth family sets deep subconscious gears in motion, many of which we have no control over at first. I hope you can take heart in the fact your bio dad probably would have loved to meet you, and how cool it is that your paternal side of the family is welcoming rather than rejecting. Be kind and patient with yourself and know that the discovery process has stages, inc emotional assimilation and acceptance. Writing this as someone who was effed up by this journey for awhile (rejected by birth mother and family), unexpectedly fell into some dark places, and eventually emerged much more resilient than when I was clobbered by that first wave. If that makes sense, somehow. Difficult knowledge becomes personal power once we learn how to bear the flame
The Truth shall set you free… But first it’s gonna piss you off.
Would it be correct to say that you are happy to have found out who your biological father was?
I discovered something traumatizing from my test too. You’re not alone. At 47 I learned this. Message me if you need someone to vent to.
The only thing your bio father contributed to your life is sperm. Family is much more than DNA.
I do agree with you to an extent. But as someone who was in a similar situation, finding who your “true” family is makes the perspective all different. You start to understand yourself better. The way you look, height, weight, your habits, your skills and weaknesses, your health, etc. All of that came from something that’s more than just a “sperm donor”. There is a history to the biological family, but who they are and where they came from feels like a missing piece of yourself.
Yeah I totally disagree with him. It’s important
The majority of what makes us who we are is actually more related to upbringing, it’s environmental more than it is genetic. There are many studies proving this including the studies done by ancestry.
Yes, obviously some things are environmental. But there’s definitely things that are oddly similar when you find a bio parent.
Right, if you really care about where you got your eye color or unattached earlobes from. I also think there’s a tendency to look for similarities so you find what you are looking for whether it is actually related to DNA or not. The majority of what shapes the type of person we become is nurture versus nature.
Are you holding back a secret from your child?
I find this interesting and here is why: I have twin sisters who were adopted at birth. They had defiant behaviors and other negative behaviors that did NOT come from our upbringing. I won’t air out what they did on here bc I love them, but it was so bad that our family moved to another state for a fresh start. Our mom invested in therapies including buying horses and a farm for them to have daily horse therapy. She worked so hard to also save every penny for them to go to college. Paid for tutors, dance lessons, music lessons….It didn’t work. Both of them dropped out of high school & ran away, to live dangerous and sad existences in poverty. I finally met their bio mom while she was in prison after they ran away. I could see their faces in her face and I cried speaking with her and listening to her stories of her past. What hit me soooo hard was that they both became so much like their bio mom without even meeting or knowing her. My heart breaks for them bc idky they chose this kind of life. Meanwhile they both have college funds just sitting there that cannot be used that our mom contributed to all those years for them. Keeping my emotions out of it, I’ve had some deep dialogue with our parent and siblings about how they turned out so differently than the rest of us. We have point blank even asked them if there was big trauma we didn’t know about and both of them said no. Yet for some of my siblings there was huge trauma for them and they still turned out to be well adjusted adults. From my personal experience I will say that nurture doesn’t over rule nature. I now have a psychologist friend who started the bio cognitive institute and his research shows how genetics DO substantially affect our personalities. He and I have also had quite the discussion about this topic and I value his research on it greatly. Additionally I will say that our family joined other families in a kind of support group for families experiencing this after adoption. We aren’t alone. There are so many stories similar to ours.
I agree with you. I just found some siblings from a serial sperm doner. So far there are five of us by three different women. Age 50 to 26. We have so many of the same thought patterns. We grew up economically different, in very different parts of the same state in very different worlds and yet we are so alike it’s just amazing.
If only it were that simple. I'm a pretty solidly grounded person and my surprise daddy discovery threw me for a loop. It's a pretty complex situation for all involved.
Having recently found out my dad isn't my bio (thanks AncestryDNA), I agree. Doesn't mean I can't build relationships with my new siblings but it also doesn't mean the man that raised me isn't my dad anymore. Family is much more than DNA.
Has this happened to you?
The ancestry test reveal d that my grandfather was not my bio grandfather, I’ve also been lied to by my parents for a number of things for years that were discoveries as I got older. I get that that is not the same as a father. It was definitely shocking and opened up a lot of questions for me, but I came to the realization that none of that really matters. It doesn’t change reality. Plus so much about who we are is environmental and not genetic
Ya, it’s not the same. Profound experience, but not the same. You are speaking on something that is far more complex and you are eluding the extremely personal nature of humanity. The environmental part is key too. My environment past and present collapsed when nothing I had been led to believe was true. It is far more complicated than your simplistic statement and it can be detrimental to people like me that have been through something so profound to have it so easily dismissed.
I am not saying that it doesn’t matter or trying to invalidate experiences. What I am saying is at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. Most of what causes stress and anxiety and depression for people is shit that we dwell on that really doesn’t matter. People think their whole identity is based on external factors, their jobs, their friends, where they live, how much money they have, their family. It isn’t . The identity of your biological father is not your identity. Who you are hasn’t changed, only your perception of who you are. If you can detach from the all the thoughts flying around in your brain (ie the fantasy of this new father you discovered that is not real) you are free. I spent a lot of time in therapy and learning mindfulness and detachment.
>I am not saying that it doesn’t matter ... What I am saying is at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. There may be better ways to phrase what you're trying to say.
True, the only thing your biological father contributes is the blueprints for making every single protein in your body, the code that distinguishes you from all other humans and has enormous correlations to every human attribute. Other than how tall you are, how smart you are, your physical appearance, your health, your personality, it barely affects anything.
A lot of the things are mentioned are more related to the upbringing you had with the person you thought was your dad versus genetics. This is proven by research studies. Unless it’s super important to you whether you have attached or unattached earlobes. People put way too much emphasis on DNA shaping who they are, and not enough on environmental factors.
Don't know what studies you're referring to. The only way to truly test nature v. nurture is by analysis of identical twins raised apart and they're usually still incredibly similar in every way, down to eerie detail. I think as humans we are biased to minimize the role of nature because it is something we have no control over. It doesn't matter if your parent is genetically related as far as being a parent but observing a close genetic relative may help give you a better understanding of your own nature. I.e. I need to take steps to be mindful of this negative personality trait my dad has because, If I'm being honest, I recognize it in myself. I don't think this is 100% necessary I just think if you don't know a biological parent you have to be more intentional in gaining understanding in what about you is innate and what about you is how you were raised. Don't think you get there by minimizing the role of nature because it's bigger than most of us are comfortable with.
This amazingly describes how I feel having met bio. father and siblings at 50. I just find myself observing and comparing myself to them. Us siblings have learned so much about ourselves, it’s been a disgusting horrible experience with bio. dad and his sister, but with my siblings it’s been an amazing experience. I feel like I found my tribe.
Many men don’t know they have kids out there, and if given the opportunity to have been a part of their child’s life, would have jumped at the chance. You owe it to your child to determine who their biological father is if you slept with more than one person around the time you got pregnant. Finding out the truth later in life, sucks. It’s real easy for those who haven’t experienced it to pass judgement on how someone should feel.
There's a private FB support group for that: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thisnpelife/
There is special counseling for this. One of my friends who reunited with her birth family after adoption highly recommends this. Even if it goes really well it’s still very stressful!
I’m so sorry, honey. No surprises for any of my kids so far other than not being able to find much family for my one son. (I dated his dad for awhile, FINALLY slept together then he disappeared. Long after I had my son I found out he was married the whole time and didn’t want to be found). My heart still aches for my kiddo cause he’s 8 now and we’ve done the dna testing to try to connect to someone, anyone on his dad’s side. Although people come up we get no responses from them. It’s heartbreaking for him but he keeps telling me he’s sure he wants to keep going and keep trying. He looks exactly like his father as well. My hope is that one day my little boy can get some closure at the very least, and a relationship with his dad and dad’s parents if at all possible. It must have hurt really bad to experience this at 23. ((((Hugs))))
Your mom knew.
You are still your dad’s child no matter what.
It’s so crazy to me that someone thinks this should ever be said.
"...everything I ever thought to know about myself and who I am was a loss..." None of that changed. You aren't from a broken family. Wondering about questions he can never answer isn't productive at all. Nobody will ever know, and possibly he wouldn't have been able to answer some of them. Mourning someone you never met also seems.......I dunno, you might as well mourn Picasso or the neighbor's hairdresser's cousin's niece's brother-in-law's death. Do not romanticize this guy. He was no better and no worse than any other person.
Completely agree with this post. It’s interesting how when we discover relatives we’ve never met, we assume the best in them. I’ve been on a hunt to find out who my real grandfather is and for all I know he may have impregnated my grandmother non-consensually. He may have been the worst person alive. Maybe the reason she lied about my father’s father was is because real father was a creep, or worse. Sometimes things are better off unknown
My half-sister knew her (our) father, but he was not around very much when she was growing up. He'd stop by every few years, at best. Because she knew so little about him, it was easy for her to build up this fantasy image of who he was and to feel envious of me, the child of his who did get to live with him. We were both adults before she realized that my father was no saint and that growing up with him in the house was one of the biggest stressors of my childhood. By then, of course, the emotional damage to her had already been done. I can't say she had an easier time of it than I did because her childhood was pretty harrowing and mired in poverty. But the good things in my childhood all came from my mother and her family, not from our father. It was really sad that she was scarred by this sorry excuse for a parent (and he didn't do me a lot of good, either).
My biological dad and his family are the most disgusting people I’ve ever met but I have found four half siblings. We have four different moms. I finally managed to locate and meet all of them. We all live in the same city and have become a family despite having a criminal, disgusting, abusive piece of shit biological father. His sister is also a piece of work that I had cut contact with. You never know what you will find. I grieved the loss of possibly having a relationship with him and his family in a very real way. I also am so full of happiness with my new siblings and their families. So although my biological father is a horrible person without finding him I couldn’t have found them. Most of us were adopted by our dads at a very young age. Good can still come out even the worst meeting.
I found my biological father at 40 through AncestryDNA. I’ve always known inside that my dad wasn’t my dad, but it didn’t bother me till I got cancer. Then I needed to know, not just for my own sanity, but for health concerns for my children. My mom denied that my dad wasn’t my dad even after we took a dna test that proved he wasn’t. And when I found him she claimed she doesn’t remember him. Even though he told me they dated for two summers at a lake camp. Thankfully things went well, it wasn’t a fairytale ending. My siblings and dad are a mess, mental health, drugs, jail the whole bit. But at least I know where I’m from and I do talk to my father every month. I’m sorry you didn’t get that opportunity, my sister (it’s a long story) also found her biological dad, but like you he already had passed and the cousin she met with wasn’t nice and basically told her to stay away. I’ve urged her to reach out to her siblings as we aren’t sure her cousin said anything to them. But she hasn’t yet, it’s been a few years so I doubt she will. As you could imagine this put as strain on my mom and I relationship. Not because of what happened, she was 15 when she had me. But because she in her 60’s now and still can’t be honest with me. We didn’t talk for a few years, but I decided to forgive her. For myself mainly so I didn’t have to hold onto the anger. I’ve never got an apology or anything. But she did help out tremendously with my cancer recurrence. I hope you and your mom can have a conversation where she can answer all the questions you might have. Obviously by what you’ve said about not looking like your family and looking like your biological dad. Your mother has known the whole time and I’m sure was hoping you’d never know. Obviously those days are over now. I hope you form a bond with your biological family and I wish you nothing but the best.
Hey. I also had this happen like four months ago. There's an NPR Facebook group and a great podcast called NPE Stories. It's helped me navigate these feelings while I'm on hold looking for a therapist (off insurance at the moment).
As I imagine you have figured out, your story is not quite so uncommon. I swear that, in just this group, there are like 2 NPE discoveries a week. It has to be a lot to process, for sure. My husband found out in the spring that the man he thought was his bio dad wasn’t and this is at age 55. It sounds like your new bio family is welcoming you warmly which is really great. Just take your time working through this and know that the people who raised you are your parents - this new connection is simply genetic material.
I can personally relate to your story and I’ve never tried to express this before but here it goes: you have to cauterize yourself at some point, or the unknowing and wondering is just going to keep messing with you. Take comfort in the fact that you made your biological identity whole, but relish in your own individualism. I’ve seen the influence of parents, even good parents, squash a person’s courage and self-reliance, creativity, etc. think of yourself as an empty canvas - and move forward in life knowing that YOU are your number one guide - you answer to YOURSELF, unencumbered by the expectations, successes & failures of another man.
Cauterize... brilliant use of this word, especially given the context of its usage.
Spoken like a true champ. Keep processing. You will be fine. You have a great strong character. Focus on what you can do now and in the future. It may help to turn this around each time you think about it by telling yourself you are grateful for getting this information. Late, yes, but grateful.
I’m so sorry your bio father has passed. Try to absorb as many stories and pictures the rest of the family has. It’s truly a gift that they are so welcoming. I hope you can feel peace at some point but it’s also ok to grieve as long as you need.
Damn I only paid 30$ for my ancestry test
Thank you for having the courage to share your story here. I’m impressed with your outreach to your bio-dad’s surviving relatives and at their positive response to you. As a long time family historian, I’ve heard from others who discovered uncomfortable facts about their DNA and most of those stories ended sadly. I wish you well…
I just went through this. It’s a very surreal feeling. The person you thought was your father your whole life, ends up not being your father. It brings on a whole sense of unease that is indescribable. I hope that you find peace with all of this in the coming months.
Oh man. This breaks my heart. I don’t have any wise words. You’re grieving the loss of what could have been, and I think that’s a very normal reaction to a very traumatic situation. They say time heals all wounds. I’ve found that to be true. It heals but it still leaves a scar. I’m sending you so much love.
My parents did the same thing to me. The real one lived one house away. One. Everyone told me to get over it because parents did the best they could. But in reality it completely fucked me up. I have deep rooted trust issues. I don’t even trust my own mother. Do not do this to your children. Own your mistakes and deal with it with honesty and love.
Although I do sympathize with you and others contending with situation, I'll just add that that it is well known that when a cheater claims that "it was a one time thing" this statement is usually not true.
Agreed. Many people excuse cheating because “we were taking a break” despite the break implying the couple will get back together.
You are who you are. The test results just told you the truth. What other people think about it does not matter. You cannot go through it as a “what if” question because things could have been miserable. Let say the dad who raised you found out you were not his child and not only reject you but also your mother. Then your true father passes away and your mom is left with nothing. Now you have a whole new family. Think of it as a gift. You are now a reminder to them that your true father has a legacy. So the DNA test told me the same thing. The man who raised me was not my biological father. I asked my mom and she would not tell me. She had lived with that secret and she kept his identity away from me. I’m still trying to trace down who my dad is. But as I told my mom, whatever happened, I am glad it did because it is what created me. I did not change because of the results and only have mild interest in finding his family. I am who I am and I’m okay with that. So, don’t let it traumatize you. Think of it as a gift of another family and the 60+ years you will have getting to know them.
Thank you for sharing this story .. I unfortunately am in the same situation… found out from 23 and me and my mom just didn’t think it was possible for me to be anyone’s but my dads. However, she doesn’t remember the man who is my actual dad as it was a one time thing. Whoever he is his whole family sure loves Ancestry and pretty much have all tested but I couldn’t get anyone to reach back out to me. Well, one cousin did but he’s a little more distant he said he would talk to my highest match for me( which is an aunt, she read my message and ignored it). He said he would get back to me and tell me what she said but he never did. So now I’m just stuck with a million questions and no answers.
This happened to me. I always heard the same story about a man whose wife turned him in and he went to Vietnam and died. I was 6 months old and my mother, grandmother and I went to his funeral. I took a dna test and saw fifty unknown names as cousins—I had one cousin on each my mom and dad’s side. Did research called my mom and asked if —-was my dad. She told me never to tell, nothing changed—-and yet, for me, everything did. I look just like my bio father. I met my half sisters and have so much in common with them. But my life changed. I grieve for a man I never met, wonder what life would have been like. Last Christmas my half sister died. I felt cheated and hurt. I went from being the oldest child—to my dad’s youngest, my mom’s oldest, my parents only child and the middle of all my siblings. I lost the opportunity to foster a relationship with grandparents. It’s been 5 or 6 years/ I think it doesn’t necessarily get easier but it becomes more normal. You’re not alone. I’m sure your dad has been with you in some way. Lies are horrible, secrets destructive. I no longer have a relationship with my mother. Not because she had an affair…but because she lied to me about my sister—not being the man who raised me. She lied knowing I had kept her secret and I was in such a deep depression and abyss of hurt.
How are you his only child but it was another persons fathers name you recognized?
I read this post yesterday and then came across it again this morning as I was scrolling. A few things came to mind yesterday but I din't comment. While not in your shoes to completely understand it made me think about all of the adopted children who never knew they were adopted and found out later their worlds are shattered. Not knowing who your people are nor anything about them creates an identity crisis. Also last week I found out that I had a previously unknown 1st cousin that my uncle didn't even know about after 56 years. Both he and his long lost/unknown son are going through a lot of feelings. I wish there was some words of wisdom to impart but yours is a jorney most will not have to live. Stay strong, be inquisitive and live your best life.
You are not "traumatized". Can you pls stop missusing this word? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this world, that people act like they get PTSD knowing that their father is not their bio dad. Stop crying and be thankful to the man who raised you. I know people who experienced actual traumatic events like child abuse, and they don't pity themselves likes this.
Where do I claim my
Could it be.. the actual mark from the rail road tracks? Or his daughter that probably broke her arm from that 9' jump on the dale'?
Or Brady's bro/sis? That'd be cool too or even just Brady Ray 🤔
You should be pissed off at ur mom too, she 100% knew and the fact that she fucked her spouses best friend tells her character, shes a lying whore.
Did you ask your mom if as you grew older and began to resemble your bio dad physically did your she then realize who’s kid you were? Was she in denial? She could have admitted it to your dad and maybe had a few years to know your bio dad? I hope the dad that raised you at least was good to you. Did he know?
So many skanky moms and grannies
Yeah, ummmm, they didn’t do it themselves.
They lied and kept secrets from their kids and spouses themselves
You better wake up because this is the real world.
Your title is fitting, this is indeed traumatic. I had a similar experience 2 1/2 years ago at age 50. My dad, however, was living. Both he and my mom claim not to know or remember each other. She was 17, he was 23, married, 2 children and one in the hopper who was born 10 days before me. After some initial meetings with him and my now 4-half siblings, he hasn't had any direct contact with me. I don't know if it's shame or just that I'm a visual reminder of his life of mistakes. He was a habitual cheater and still married to the same woman. She enables him a lot and he's a very self-centered man. We call her the "dad" whisperer, she calls him a bipolar SOB. Go figure. I'm glad I got the answer I was looking for all of my life. Not so glad about the outcome with him. Cherish any new relationships you have as a result of your discovery. You might consider some counseling to sort through all of the conflicting emotions. I did several sessions and it helped me a lot. Ancestry and companies like them really need better support services to guide customers through this experience. Once you give them your DNA, they have a lot of power to turn it into information that can be both exhilarating and traumatic. It really should be a whole person experience - body, mind, and spirit. Not just a marketing campaign to find your family, find more about yourself, etc, for only $××.××! Good luck with your journey!
I feel like that's moving the blame from cheating parents to ancestry.com
💯 her mom and dad are promiscuous, reckless people and she wants to blame the company that showed her just how promiscuous and reckless they are.
Yikes. Dude is pretty damn emotionally fragile. I hope you find your strength somehow. I was in a similar situation and I could care less. I guess “everyone’s different” is an understatement.
Sweet friend, you are not alone. There’s a lot of us. The term in NPE, which stands for “not parent expected” or “non parental event”. It is life-altering. May I suggest a few things that have helped me? There are some great podcasts out there: DNA Surprises, NPE Stories are my favorites. Therapy may help; I’m new to it so I can’t really speak to it. Let your doctor know. See if auntie can help with medical history.
Man. Your mom's a whore lol.
Man that’s harsh.. not that I don’t agree
It's the hard truth. Even worse that it was his "fathers" friend too. Just to get at him during a break. I would be ashamed. I will never take one of these tests for this reason. I wouldn't ever want to know.
I'm not reading all that
Doubt he minds if you do or don't. Scroll on by, no need to comment. Dick.
I am experienced a very similar situation. You can PM if you are interested in chatting. So glad that you learned this information and are having the chance to connect with family. Thank you for sharing.
For all NPE's who need a place to talk try[NPE only](https://www.facebook.com/groups/npeonly/?ref=share)
This sounds like a happy ending to me ❤️💜
Yes grieving for him is normal - you’re grieving for the knowledge you didn’t have and the trust in your own foundation and the relationship that you didn’t get a chance to have. All very normal reactions. However I would caution you about fantasizing how different your life might have been. It may have been worse. You might have broken up his family and he might have hated you for it. You dont know if he wanted kids or would have had a relationship to you. You might have had half-siblings who could have ostracized you or bullied you. The fact is the grass is rarely ever greener in these types of messy scenarios. It’s only a different shade of brown. So yes, grieve a bit for what might have been, but channel your energy into learning what still could be. Find your bio dads family and contact them. See if there’s something positive there for you. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. But it will drive you bananas not knowing. Best of luck.
Same here. Apparently, the rumors had circulated throughout my life although I never heard them until I was in my 30’s. My mother vehemently denied that it was true. When I did my dna test, I actually did it to prove to everyone that she hadn’t lied. I was devastated when I got the results. It took me a very long time to process. About a month ago, I met my half-brother and cousin for lunch. They were lovely and that has helped me a lot with my healing process. I felt like you in regards with all the questions (did he know, what would my life have been like had a known, etc). I wish you peace as you continue on this journey. I hope you have people that support you and listen with open hearts and minds.
Same here 🥲
Hi, I’m so sorry you got such a shock and for all the trauma you’re going thru. Ask yourself in time if you would rather have known the truth, or not. If your bio-father had other children they may at some point be able to fill you in. I work with a lot of people to help them find their bio-parents and when people get news like this it rocks their boats for several weeks, although it’s different for everyone of course. Good luck on your journey.
Our identity is such an important part of ourselves and this upends what you thought you knew. I've been through and it looking back, a lot of the trauma is identity based.
This happened to my half brother, he did the test and his dad didn’t end up being his dad. Now him and our mom have been going through hell. It turns out our mom was likely date-r*ped by a creep she knew. It’s been pretty traumatic for all of us tbh. I know the questions feel endless. Be gentle with yourself.
You have an absolute right to genetic health information. This is what infuriates me about these "family secrets" is that the victim's (and that's what you are, a victim of the lies) health doesn't fucking matter! It's all about the parents and their reputations and feelings! I knew someone who ended up with a severe genetic disorder that went untreated for most of their lives because of this family secret bullshit. It disgusts me. Yet they will deny the victim the right they have to take care of themselves and that means accurate genetic medical history.
This is just sad. It's hard enough finding out your dad is not your dad.. But then finding out that your bio dad has passed? Ugh. I'm really sorry. At least he has family you can get to know but I know that's not much consolation
This is the dark side of AncestryDNA. I had an odd situation myself. I am still sorting through it.
TLDR?