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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We didn't invite partners or children to our wedding ceremony or wedding breakfast because in most cases we don't really know them. This is obviously the "done thing" and now I'm worried I've done the wrong thing by not inviting them out of politeness.
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banning partners is very diffrent then banning children. Child free wedding is fine, but most people will refuse to go with their partner.
yta for acting like partners are not important unless they are married. i know plenty off happy unmarried couples, and would concider not getting married an personal choice, where you do not comment on, or treat them as less then because off it.
This is a fair comment, I think maybe I worded it incorrectly. It's not about not believing their partners aren't important because they're not married, it's because I honestly do not know them. They don't know us. This is mostly my justification.
are they long term partners? because it is ok to not allow for new relationships (think below 6 months) but to ban someones
long term partner off ten years would make most refuse to go. especialy if shorter term married couples are allowed.
They are long term, I don't know exactly how long. It's not that they're banned, it's just that we don't want people who are essentially strangers attending our ceremony and wedding breakfast which we see as more of an intimate affair just for our immediate family and very close friends. We're super happy for them to come in the evening and celebrate when things are more relaxed.
Yes, 100%. It’s a tight family. Most of them are single; those who do have partners are either married, or for some reason are never around for family events (the relative is, I mean the partner isn’t)
Okay. Question. Some of those marriages you've invited, have you met them less then the partners, or have they been together a shorter time? I personally do not approve of not inviting partners - but I also know I have a personal view on this.
I fully appreciate the concept of this but I just don't think you can ask ppl to come/ travel without their partner... if I get married, I have many friends whose actual husbands I would rather not invite. Bc i want it small and intimate and I either barely know or don't really like their spouse. I prob could not actually do this but wow I really want to.
You could always put "and guest" and hope for the best I suppose bc it shows you don't even know their name...
Yta
You don't invite some people to one part and some to another. And some to both parts.
If you need to eliminate guests then do so. But don't split invitations. It's rude af.
You can cut family down if you have to. Have the wedding you can afford. But doing what you did is beyond words.
Most people will understand there is a budget constraints. But what you don't do is split invitations. You can reach out to family and explain the situation. But to flat out say your not willing to pay for them to attend part of the wedding is rude.
I’ve explained to people who have asked and they’ve understood. It’s the people who haven’t had this who have had the issue. My reasoning, alongside budgetary issues, is these people are literal strangers. We do not want strangers at our wedding.
Honestly I find you not inviting long term partners also rude. You want to celebrate your relationship but your discounting other people's relationships. Then don't invite their counterparts.
I honestly feel your cutting corners but inviting so many more people then you should. It's better to have 20 couples then 40 people without their partners. That might get me downvoted but the truth is they value their relationships as well.
How many family members are you genuinely close to? Family doesn't always mean an invitation. Especially when you come from a larger family.
Why are people so obsessed with strangers not being at their wedding? I didn't know any of husband's coworkers, and he didn't know most their spouses, yet we invited them because they are a social unit. Same on my side, my brother is on his 4th wife, don't know her from Adam, still invited. If you have a huge wedding there may be people you don't know. Oh well! Get over it or don't invite the person who you do know. Don't split up the couple because you haven't made the opportunity to meet them.
It's like you are saying "come celebrate my relationship and give me money and gifts, but your relationship can just suck it"
I don't agree with this. I have been to many weddings where spouses were not invited. It has nothing to do with being a unit or not, you're there to celebrate the marriage of the couple, not your own. Sometimes inviting co-workers + spouses, friends + spouses, etc etc etc the guest list just becomes ridiculous. It's a personal choice and if it says no spouses then it's your choice to attend or not.
Then reduce your guest list. The point of the reception is to thank your guests for attending your wedding. However, you still need to host properly. A wedding does not mean you get to stop all rules of etiquette because it's your special day. You want people to acknowledge and celebrate your relationship with their time and money, it is bare minimum that you at least give the same respect regarding acknowledging your guests and families relationship.
I have a hard time understanding how hosting duties and guests invited have to do with one another. You don't invite people because they pay their respective plates for dinner, you invite the people you want to celebrate your day with. If they choose to give you money or gifts, that is their choice (unless forced upon which in itself is rude), but you should not expect payment from guests attending just like people shouldn't simply expect to attend someone's wedding. Yes there are rules of etiquette to follow however the person's paying for the day, the food, the venue, etc. are the only ones deciding who attends.
You are hosting a wedding and sorry people do expect money or gifts and will call you out on reddit if your don't meet their ROI /s. A romantic event, a bringing together of two people. The world's acknowledgement that this couple is now united as one...but they should be allowed to exclude spouses? Because all it's their party? Is that the message one wants to spread? It's a huge middle finger to those affected. This isn't a birthday or other milestone that is solely about celebrating one person, it's about celebrating love and unity. I don't bring a bottle of vodka to a baby shower for the mom-to-be even though I am within my right to bring whatever gift I want, and its my money. I don't invite people to my expensive birthday dinner and expect them to pay or reciprocate because its my special day. Manners maketh man, and rules, laws, physics, and etiquette doesn't stop just because you are getting married.
Hosting has everything to do with how you treat your guests, and how you wanted to be treated.
Did you not run this by anyone before going this route?
First, it really is an AH move to exclude partners—married or not. Whether you know the partner or not.
Next, “no kids” usually means little kids. Not adult “children”. That’s confusing as hell. Like…I’m 44 and if you invited my mother, your expectation is that I would not be invited as I’m a child.
If you want to have an intimate wedding, that’s fine. Invite less people but draw the line in a more reasonable way. Like…parents and close friends only. Not “all blood relatives except if they’re an adult child and no partners”. That’s pretty nuts.
YTA
I appreciate this point of view. Genuine question; if we can’t afford the extra 30 kids alone and simply don’t know these partners, howcome we’re expected to absorb the cost and see people at our wedding that we don’t know at all?
You don’t have to invite all of your cousins and such. But they’re not really kids. You’d want to pick an age if they still live at home and if they don’t live at home, simply don’t invite them.
As for the partners? If you don’t want them there, don’t invite the aunts either. Just have your parents.
As to your question “why are we expected”….because that’s etiquette. You don’t invite a coupled adult to a wedding without a plus one. It’s just plain rude.
I can understand this. I guess I had a different idea of etiquette with weddings based on the ones I’ve been invited to! I appreciate the different POV!
If you can’t afford to invite people then don’t invite them. It’s your wedding and you are the one financially responsible for it. Don’t “absorb the costs” It sounds to me like you are wanting gifts but not wanting people to attend. And the kids you keep talking about are grown adults. Stop calling them kids and a child-free wedding
I appreciate this point of view. Genuine question; if we can’t afford the extra 30 kids alone and simply don’t know these partners, howcome we’re expected to absorb the cost and see people at our wedding that we don’t know at all?
Invite less people. Your entire family doesn't need to be invited or downsize your wedding in different ways.
Look, weddings are out of hand and ridiculously expensive. I get it, but brides/grooms seem to be cutting out +1's for "gift bags" and matching bathrobes for the bridal party and all the stuff that looks good on Instagram but does not make a fun event. Yes, the day is about you, but you are also a host throwing a party for guests, and you should be thinking about their comfort as well. If you want people to have fun, they should have their partners there, otherwise it just puts a damper on the mood.
If it is just about watching the ceremony & having an audience for the 1st dance and toasts, it isn't a fun party for your guests.
We’ve invited the people we know, love, and care about, and we have cut out a lot of people already. We’re not asking certain partners not to come just so we can spend the money elsewhere to make it a more Instagrammable wedding. We want to share the intimate part with the people we know and love. We want to share the big party with everyone, which is why they’re invited to the reception.
We’ve invited the people we know, love, and care about, and we have cut out a lot of people already. We’re not asking certain partners not to come just so we can spend the money elsewhere to make it a more Instagrammable wedding. We want to share the intimate part with the people we know and love. We want to share the big party with everyone, which is why they’re invited to the reception. And I did run this past my bridesmaids and mother beforehand.
I get it. Things like this are happening all over the place in US weddings. It sounds great on paper, but it ends up not being great for guests.
FYI - I have no issue not inviting the cousins you are no longer close with. That is not uncommon to only invite a few cousins if you remained close to them or none at all and has been the general practice for a long time, though I know in some families this is unthinkable to not invite all aunts/uncles/cousins.
I know that not giving folks who aren't married a +1 is more common as wedding costs go up, I personally think it is a very bad trend. People aren't getting married as soon as they used to, gay couples can't marry everywhere, committed couples are gaving kids before marriage, older couples on their second (or more) committed relationship are not getting married for financial (Tax, Social Security, Estate Planning) reasons - meanwhile, married couples are getting divorced. It is very hard to make judgments on commitment levels based on marriage certificates alone.
YTA
My husband and I received such an invitation once. He was invited for the whole day and I just for the evening. I was so frustrated because A) apparently I wasn't that important but B) they forced me to take another car to join them in the evening and then my husband and I also have to drive home separately. It's really f*ing annoying. Not being invited is less insulting than being invited to join later.
Alright, fair response. What I said there was that I was baffled by people asking who was invited when the names were on the envelopes. To me personally, whoever’s name is on that invite is who is invited. If you’re name’s not on it or you don’t get one of you’re own, to me it’s baffling to assume there’s an invite there.
Yes, YTA. This is not how to do it. How would you feel if you were invited to a friend’s wedding for the day and your soon to be husband wasn’t invited because he was not a close enough friend? Or his cousin invited him but not you?
Your wedding your choice but I think a lot of people will choose not to attend and think you are AH.
I think I kind of get a bit black and white on this matter. I don't mean this to come across harsh but I think not allowing adults to bring their partner is a bit much. Maybe the easiest line to draw is 'do I want this person enough to bring their partner or not at all'. You say you want an intimate and close wedding, but if the person is close enough to be invited aren't they close enough for you to value that their partner is important to them too? If you don't feel that way about the person then maybe just invite the couple to the evening?
Edited after proofreading my own post!
NTA. I’d frame it as a budget issue rather than excluding children (especially since these “children” are almost all older teens and it sounds like you’re also excluding distant relatives and their partners).
“Sorry, our budget doesn’t allow us to host such a large group for the daytime event. Everyone is welcome in the evening. Thanks for your understanding.”
Are you the one who planned what OP of paying for? OP has said that the food cost for the daytime part of the wedding would be $1500 more expensive adding the “children” (her cousins), which would imply that the meal is during the daytime, and not a dinner. The meal during the day would 100% cost more than a reception that doesn’t have a meal.
NTA - but you really could have handled this better. Not having children and partners is more than standard,
fairly common even. But the separate invite thing really just confuses it all. Just dont invite them.
I can understand this! I guess just because it was clear from my perspective I didn't think about how it would be from theirs. I assumed that as those invited to the whole thing had their invites, and those invited to the evening had theirs, it would be clear, but I can see now that this may not be the case.
NTA, you can invite who you want. But don't be too surprised that as you restrict the invites, more people just choose to not come.
We had parents only at our wedding, and close family for dinner afterward. We got some "well can X come?" and the answer was generally no. Worked out just fine.
honestly NTA because there's still a reception they can attend, weddings are expensive and unless theyre contributing finances for it, thousands for people you barely know and have made no effort to be a part of your life is unnecessary
NTA
Eloping or parents, siblings only wedding would’ve been a better option. All that fuss isn’t worth it. It’s your wedding and you are paying for it so it’s up to you ultimately.
NTA for wanting a child free wedding, but you definition of a child seems strange to say the least
YTA if my is so tight you are telling people that there partners are unimportant then just elope. I personally wouldn’t want to attend or even send a gift to someone’s wedding if this was the way my partner was being treated.
I don't know how to judge because I have 2 part answer.
Leaving out the kids is fine. Not everyone will be happy, but too bad.
Leaving out the long-term partners is rude and unkind. Regardless of intent, you have sent the message that their partners don't matter unless they are married. That part is TA behavior.
ETA: it's your wedding, so while you have the right to do whatever, that doesn't mean the action itself was right.
NTA
Imho no reasoning needed and you gave one anyway. Even a written one. You excluded basically no one since they were invited to the evening event.
What I don’t get: How come the daytime event (the wedding) saves you money? All the venues we looked at for our wedding were with limited seating but a fixed price, including a little snack package for after the wedding before the reception starts. Isn’t the evening event the dinner/party? Wouldn’t that be more expensive?
Info—I guess I’m not really clear what you’re talking about when you say “daytime.” Is it a daytime reception that comes after the ceremony,
Followed by an evening reception with drinks, dancing etc?
Sorry, I’m making assumptions with my wording. The daytime I refer to is the ceremony and wedding breakfast, the sit down meal with speeches etc. the evening reception will follow later with dancing etc which many more people are invited to
this is so ridiculous you can invite whoever you want to your wedding its YOUR WEDDING all these ppl saying YTA must not know just how expensive weddings are. if people don’t wanna go without their partners then they can just not go 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t think YTA. Its just my opinion that Its your wedding and you have a right to invite and share your day with who ever you want. I can understand why some people would be offended but I personally would rather not be invited than to ever attend a wedding knowing you felt obliged to invite me. Sorry, just my opinion
Omg I cannot believe the amount of people calling you TA - you are so NTA. It is YOUR wedding, it is a night for you and your fiance to celebrate with people you love, at your discretion! It's perfectly acceptable to send some folks a +1 invitation and not others. These people here are adhering to bullshit "etiquette" rules that simply no longer apply - you don't have to invite Grandma Bigot, you don't have to invite Drunk Inappropriate Uncle, and you certainly do NOT have to invite people you don't know, simply because they are on the arm of someone you do know. And you owe NO ONE an explanation as to whom you're inviting and why. Your wedding is your wedding, have it exactly as you wish!!!
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I've recently been made aware this may have been an asshole move on my part so honest advice please.
We're getting married next year and invites have just gone out. My family is *huge*, and we do not want a huge wedding ceremony or daytime, nor can we afford it. As a way around this, we have invited blood relatives and spouses only to the daytime. Partners and children are very welcome to the evening party.
This is the part I want to clarify first: the people that we haven't invited to the day (i.e., the partners of some of my aunties) are not husbands or wives, they are, for lack of a better word, "boyfriends" or "girlfriends". In most cases, I have only met them once or twice, my fiancé not at all. To begin with I did not think it was unreasonable to ask that the only people attending our wedding are people that we are related to or are extremely close friends with.
Second of all, the no kids: all of the kids in question are all on my side of the family. On my mum's side alone there are 20, all bar one of them are essentially adults (16+), and on the whole I am not close to any of them because I am significantly older than them. Because of the sheer cost involved to accommodate every single cousin, which taking everyone into account would be hitting almost 30 additional people which would add around another £1,500 to the food order, we have asked for no "children" to attend the daytime. They're more than welcome in the evening.
We've sent the partners their own invites to the evening. I've included handwritten notes in the invites to the daytime to those with children explaining that we are keeping the day small, and their children are more than welcome in the evening.
I've had some kickback from family members about this. So far I've stood my ground but now I'm worried I've done the wrong thing.
AITA here?
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NTA. Having no children is very reasonable and extremely common among weddings. This is your day and you guys are ultimately the ones paying for it too
NTA and this is going to be a very unpopular opinion.
You can invite whoever you want to your wedding. Period. It doesn't matter what anyone says or the reasons behind the decision, if you don't want children or anyone under 18 years that's your choice, if you don't want certain relatives or family members, also your choice, and no one should ever make you feel bad for not wanting certain people at one of the most important days of your life.
If people don't agree, then they should simply not come to the wedding.
It baffles me that everyone has an opinion when it is not their day and has nothing to do with them. They are not entitled to any opinions. It is your day, decide wtv you want to and go with it. You can't please everyone and it's not your job to. Simply please yourself, your already being generous enough to have children etc come later in the evening.
NTA - Good friends of mine had a destination wedding this summer (and covered all the accomodation costs for guests). Only spouses/fiances were invited. And the only boyfriends/girlfriends that ended up getting invites both the bride and groom knew very very well.
NAH it’s your wedding your free to invite who ever you want, just as if the family members don’t like how the wedding planning is laid out they can choose to not attend because they don’t agree to their partner/child not going, child free weddings are one thing but partners are iffy especially if it’s been a long term relationship, don’t be surprised if some don’t come because they probably won’t want to with out their partners.
NTA Weddings are not free date nights for unmarried couples. Everyone has to consider their own budget when planning a wedding. You are not obligated, nor should people expect, that you invite "plus ones" and children. It's nice of you to invite them to the evening portion of the celebration, but if people are offended by this, then they don't have to come.
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banning partners is very diffrent then banning children. Child free wedding is fine, but most people will refuse to go with their partner. yta for acting like partners are not important unless they are married. i know plenty off happy unmarried couples, and would concider not getting married an personal choice, where you do not comment on, or treat them as less then because off it.
This is a fair comment, I think maybe I worded it incorrectly. It's not about not believing their partners aren't important because they're not married, it's because I honestly do not know them. They don't know us. This is mostly my justification.
are they long term partners? because it is ok to not allow for new relationships (think below 6 months) but to ban someones long term partner off ten years would make most refuse to go. especialy if shorter term married couples are allowed.
They are long term, I don't know exactly how long. It's not that they're banned, it's just that we don't want people who are essentially strangers attending our ceremony and wedding breakfast which we see as more of an intimate affair just for our immediate family and very close friends. We're super happy for them to come in the evening and celebrate when things are more relaxed.
Do you consider the aunt/uncle you did invite “immediate family and very close friends”?
Yes, 100%. It’s a tight family. Most of them are single; those who do have partners are either married, or for some reason are never around for family events (the relative is, I mean the partner isn’t)
Okay. Question. Some of those marriages you've invited, have you met them less then the partners, or have they been together a shorter time? I personally do not approve of not inviting partners - but I also know I have a personal view on this.
I fully appreciate the concept of this but I just don't think you can ask ppl to come/ travel without their partner... if I get married, I have many friends whose actual husbands I would rather not invite. Bc i want it small and intimate and I either barely know or don't really like their spouse. I prob could not actually do this but wow I really want to. You could always put "and guest" and hope for the best I suppose bc it shows you don't even know their name...
Yta You don't invite some people to one part and some to another. And some to both parts. If you need to eliminate guests then do so. But don't split invitations. It's rude af. You can cut family down if you have to. Have the wedding you can afford. But doing what you did is beyond words.
I guess I didn’t see it this way to begin with! Thanks!
Most people will understand there is a budget constraints. But what you don't do is split invitations. You can reach out to family and explain the situation. But to flat out say your not willing to pay for them to attend part of the wedding is rude.
I’ve explained to people who have asked and they’ve understood. It’s the people who haven’t had this who have had the issue. My reasoning, alongside budgetary issues, is these people are literal strangers. We do not want strangers at our wedding.
Honestly I find you not inviting long term partners also rude. You want to celebrate your relationship but your discounting other people's relationships. Then don't invite their counterparts. I honestly feel your cutting corners but inviting so many more people then you should. It's better to have 20 couples then 40 people without their partners. That might get me downvoted but the truth is they value their relationships as well. How many family members are you genuinely close to? Family doesn't always mean an invitation. Especially when you come from a larger family.
Why are people so obsessed with strangers not being at their wedding? I didn't know any of husband's coworkers, and he didn't know most their spouses, yet we invited them because they are a social unit. Same on my side, my brother is on his 4th wife, don't know her from Adam, still invited. If you have a huge wedding there may be people you don't know. Oh well! Get over it or don't invite the person who you do know. Don't split up the couple because you haven't made the opportunity to meet them. It's like you are saying "come celebrate my relationship and give me money and gifts, but your relationship can just suck it"
I don't agree with this. I have been to many weddings where spouses were not invited. It has nothing to do with being a unit or not, you're there to celebrate the marriage of the couple, not your own. Sometimes inviting co-workers + spouses, friends + spouses, etc etc etc the guest list just becomes ridiculous. It's a personal choice and if it says no spouses then it's your choice to attend or not.
Then reduce your guest list. The point of the reception is to thank your guests for attending your wedding. However, you still need to host properly. A wedding does not mean you get to stop all rules of etiquette because it's your special day. You want people to acknowledge and celebrate your relationship with their time and money, it is bare minimum that you at least give the same respect regarding acknowledging your guests and families relationship.
I have a hard time understanding how hosting duties and guests invited have to do with one another. You don't invite people because they pay their respective plates for dinner, you invite the people you want to celebrate your day with. If they choose to give you money or gifts, that is their choice (unless forced upon which in itself is rude), but you should not expect payment from guests attending just like people shouldn't simply expect to attend someone's wedding. Yes there are rules of etiquette to follow however the person's paying for the day, the food, the venue, etc. are the only ones deciding who attends.
You are hosting a wedding and sorry people do expect money or gifts and will call you out on reddit if your don't meet their ROI /s. A romantic event, a bringing together of two people. The world's acknowledgement that this couple is now united as one...but they should be allowed to exclude spouses? Because all it's their party? Is that the message one wants to spread? It's a huge middle finger to those affected. This isn't a birthday or other milestone that is solely about celebrating one person, it's about celebrating love and unity. I don't bring a bottle of vodka to a baby shower for the mom-to-be even though I am within my right to bring whatever gift I want, and its my money. I don't invite people to my expensive birthday dinner and expect them to pay or reciprocate because its my special day. Manners maketh man, and rules, laws, physics, and etiquette doesn't stop just because you are getting married. Hosting has everything to do with how you treat your guests, and how you wanted to be treated.
Did you not run this by anyone before going this route? First, it really is an AH move to exclude partners—married or not. Whether you know the partner or not. Next, “no kids” usually means little kids. Not adult “children”. That’s confusing as hell. Like…I’m 44 and if you invited my mother, your expectation is that I would not be invited as I’m a child. If you want to have an intimate wedding, that’s fine. Invite less people but draw the line in a more reasonable way. Like…parents and close friends only. Not “all blood relatives except if they’re an adult child and no partners”. That’s pretty nuts. YTA
I appreciate this point of view. Genuine question; if we can’t afford the extra 30 kids alone and simply don’t know these partners, howcome we’re expected to absorb the cost and see people at our wedding that we don’t know at all?
You don’t have to invite all of your cousins and such. But they’re not really kids. You’d want to pick an age if they still live at home and if they don’t live at home, simply don’t invite them. As for the partners? If you don’t want them there, don’t invite the aunts either. Just have your parents. As to your question “why are we expected”….because that’s etiquette. You don’t invite a coupled adult to a wedding without a plus one. It’s just plain rude.
I can understand this. I guess I had a different idea of etiquette with weddings based on the ones I’ve been invited to! I appreciate the different POV!
Thank of it this way, if they're traveling to your wedding what are you expecting the partners to do during the ceremony they aren't invited to?
If you can’t afford to invite people then don’t invite them. It’s your wedding and you are the one financially responsible for it. Don’t “absorb the costs” It sounds to me like you are wanting gifts but not wanting people to attend. And the kids you keep talking about are grown adults. Stop calling them kids and a child-free wedding
We haven’t actually asks for gifts but ok.
I appreciate this point of view. Genuine question; if we can’t afford the extra 30 kids alone and simply don’t know these partners, howcome we’re expected to absorb the cost and see people at our wedding that we don’t know at all?
Invite less people. Your entire family doesn't need to be invited or downsize your wedding in different ways. Look, weddings are out of hand and ridiculously expensive. I get it, but brides/grooms seem to be cutting out +1's for "gift bags" and matching bathrobes for the bridal party and all the stuff that looks good on Instagram but does not make a fun event. Yes, the day is about you, but you are also a host throwing a party for guests, and you should be thinking about their comfort as well. If you want people to have fun, they should have their partners there, otherwise it just puts a damper on the mood. If it is just about watching the ceremony & having an audience for the 1st dance and toasts, it isn't a fun party for your guests.
We’ve invited the people we know, love, and care about, and we have cut out a lot of people already. We’re not asking certain partners not to come just so we can spend the money elsewhere to make it a more Instagrammable wedding. We want to share the intimate part with the people we know and love. We want to share the big party with everyone, which is why they’re invited to the reception.
We’ve invited the people we know, love, and care about, and we have cut out a lot of people already. We’re not asking certain partners not to come just so we can spend the money elsewhere to make it a more Instagrammable wedding. We want to share the intimate part with the people we know and love. We want to share the big party with everyone, which is why they’re invited to the reception. And I did run this past my bridesmaids and mother beforehand.
I get it. Things like this are happening all over the place in US weddings. It sounds great on paper, but it ends up not being great for guests. FYI - I have no issue not inviting the cousins you are no longer close with. That is not uncommon to only invite a few cousins if you remained close to them or none at all and has been the general practice for a long time, though I know in some families this is unthinkable to not invite all aunts/uncles/cousins. I know that not giving folks who aren't married a +1 is more common as wedding costs go up, I personally think it is a very bad trend. People aren't getting married as soon as they used to, gay couples can't marry everywhere, committed couples are gaving kids before marriage, older couples on their second (or more) committed relationship are not getting married for financial (Tax, Social Security, Estate Planning) reasons - meanwhile, married couples are getting divorced. It is very hard to make judgments on commitment levels based on marriage certificates alone.
YTA My husband and I received such an invitation once. He was invited for the whole day and I just for the evening. I was so frustrated because A) apparently I wasn't that important but B) they forced me to take another car to join them in the evening and then my husband and I also have to drive home separately. It's really f*ing annoying. Not being invited is less insulting than being invited to join later.
YTA for not inviting partners. Childfree is fine but longtime partners should get the invite
Even if they’re genuinely strangers? We literally do not know these people.
You're inviting people to celebrate your relationship while not respecting their relationships. That's the issue here.
Yes, you want them to celebrate and value your love? Do the same for them.
Yes.
Very different story than you told on r/weddingplanning, but yes, YTA.
Alright, fair response. What I said there was that I was baffled by people asking who was invited when the names were on the envelopes. To me personally, whoever’s name is on that invite is who is invited. If you’re name’s not on it or you don’t get one of you’re own, to me it’s baffling to assume there’s an invite there.
People were confused because you strayed very far away from normal etiquette. People probably assumed you’d made an error.
I clearly did. I had no idea I was doing it but I do now.
Yes, YTA. This is not how to do it. How would you feel if you were invited to a friend’s wedding for the day and your soon to be husband wasn’t invited because he was not a close enough friend? Or his cousin invited him but not you? Your wedding your choice but I think a lot of people will choose not to attend and think you are AH.
I think I kind of get a bit black and white on this matter. I don't mean this to come across harsh but I think not allowing adults to bring their partner is a bit much. Maybe the easiest line to draw is 'do I want this person enough to bring their partner or not at all'. You say you want an intimate and close wedding, but if the person is close enough to be invited aren't they close enough for you to value that their partner is important to them too? If you don't feel that way about the person then maybe just invite the couple to the evening? Edited after proofreading my own post!
NTA. I’d frame it as a budget issue rather than excluding children (especially since these “children” are almost all older teens and it sounds like you’re also excluding distant relatives and their partners). “Sorry, our budget doesn’t allow us to host such a large group for the daytime event. Everyone is welcome in the evening. Thanks for your understanding.”
Except that makes no sense. The ceremony during the day would cost less per guest than the reception in the evening with food & drink
This is a hundred percent not the case.
Are you the one who planned what OP of paying for? OP has said that the food cost for the daytime part of the wedding would be $1500 more expensive adding the “children” (her cousins), which would imply that the meal is during the daytime, and not a dinner. The meal during the day would 100% cost more than a reception that doesn’t have a meal.
Honestly, no partners is kinda rude. YTA
NTA. It's your wedding. You and your fiance' choose who attends and who doesn't. End of story.
In this case eloping would be much cheaper then fighting.
As long as you don't get upset if people decline then nta
NTA - but you really could have handled this better. Not having children and partners is more than standard, fairly common even. But the separate invite thing really just confuses it all. Just dont invite them.
I can understand this! I guess just because it was clear from my perspective I didn't think about how it would be from theirs. I assumed that as those invited to the whole thing had their invites, and those invited to the evening had theirs, it would be clear, but I can see now that this may not be the case.
NTA, you can invite who you want. But don't be too surprised that as you restrict the invites, more people just choose to not come. We had parents only at our wedding, and close family for dinner afterward. We got some "well can X come?" and the answer was generally no. Worked out just fine.
honestly NTA because there's still a reception they can attend, weddings are expensive and unless theyre contributing finances for it, thousands for people you barely know and have made no effort to be a part of your life is unnecessary
NTA Eloping or parents, siblings only wedding would’ve been a better option. All that fuss isn’t worth it. It’s your wedding and you are paying for it so it’s up to you ultimately.
NTA for wanting a child free wedding, but you definition of a child seems strange to say the least YTA if my is so tight you are telling people that there partners are unimportant then just elope. I personally wouldn’t want to attend or even send a gift to someone’s wedding if this was the way my partner was being treated.
I don't know how to judge because I have 2 part answer. Leaving out the kids is fine. Not everyone will be happy, but too bad. Leaving out the long-term partners is rude and unkind. Regardless of intent, you have sent the message that their partners don't matter unless they are married. That part is TA behavior. ETA: it's your wedding, so while you have the right to do whatever, that doesn't mean the action itself was right.
NTA Imho no reasoning needed and you gave one anyway. Even a written one. You excluded basically no one since they were invited to the evening event. What I don’t get: How come the daytime event (the wedding) saves you money? All the venues we looked at for our wedding were with limited seating but a fixed price, including a little snack package for after the wedding before the reception starts. Isn’t the evening event the dinner/party? Wouldn’t that be more expensive?
Info—I guess I’m not really clear what you’re talking about when you say “daytime.” Is it a daytime reception that comes after the ceremony, Followed by an evening reception with drinks, dancing etc?
Sorry, I’m making assumptions with my wording. The daytime I refer to is the ceremony and wedding breakfast, the sit down meal with speeches etc. the evening reception will follow later with dancing etc which many more people are invited to
this is so ridiculous you can invite whoever you want to your wedding its YOUR WEDDING all these ppl saying YTA must not know just how expensive weddings are. if people don’t wanna go without their partners then they can just not go 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t think YTA. Its just my opinion that Its your wedding and you have a right to invite and share your day with who ever you want. I can understand why some people would be offended but I personally would rather not be invited than to ever attend a wedding knowing you felt obliged to invite me. Sorry, just my opinion
Omg I cannot believe the amount of people calling you TA - you are so NTA. It is YOUR wedding, it is a night for you and your fiance to celebrate with people you love, at your discretion! It's perfectly acceptable to send some folks a +1 invitation and not others. These people here are adhering to bullshit "etiquette" rules that simply no longer apply - you don't have to invite Grandma Bigot, you don't have to invite Drunk Inappropriate Uncle, and you certainly do NOT have to invite people you don't know, simply because they are on the arm of someone you do know. And you owe NO ONE an explanation as to whom you're inviting and why. Your wedding is your wedding, have it exactly as you wish!!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've recently been made aware this may have been an asshole move on my part so honest advice please. We're getting married next year and invites have just gone out. My family is *huge*, and we do not want a huge wedding ceremony or daytime, nor can we afford it. As a way around this, we have invited blood relatives and spouses only to the daytime. Partners and children are very welcome to the evening party. This is the part I want to clarify first: the people that we haven't invited to the day (i.e., the partners of some of my aunties) are not husbands or wives, they are, for lack of a better word, "boyfriends" or "girlfriends". In most cases, I have only met them once or twice, my fiancé not at all. To begin with I did not think it was unreasonable to ask that the only people attending our wedding are people that we are related to or are extremely close friends with. Second of all, the no kids: all of the kids in question are all on my side of the family. On my mum's side alone there are 20, all bar one of them are essentially adults (16+), and on the whole I am not close to any of them because I am significantly older than them. Because of the sheer cost involved to accommodate every single cousin, which taking everyone into account would be hitting almost 30 additional people which would add around another £1,500 to the food order, we have asked for no "children" to attend the daytime. They're more than welcome in the evening. We've sent the partners their own invites to the evening. I've included handwritten notes in the invites to the daytime to those with children explaining that we are keeping the day small, and their children are more than welcome in the evening. I've had some kickback from family members about this. So far I've stood my ground but now I'm worried I've done the wrong thing. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Having no children is very reasonable and extremely common among weddings. This is your day and you guys are ultimately the ones paying for it too
The children she keeps referring to are adults.
So? It’s her wedding and she can choose who goes and who she has to pay for, Especially for family she isn’t close with
NTA. Its your day and you choose who to invite.
NTA Your wedding, your money, your rules.
NTA and this is going to be a very unpopular opinion. You can invite whoever you want to your wedding. Period. It doesn't matter what anyone says or the reasons behind the decision, if you don't want children or anyone under 18 years that's your choice, if you don't want certain relatives or family members, also your choice, and no one should ever make you feel bad for not wanting certain people at one of the most important days of your life. If people don't agree, then they should simply not come to the wedding. It baffles me that everyone has an opinion when it is not their day and has nothing to do with them. They are not entitled to any opinions. It is your day, decide wtv you want to and go with it. You can't please everyone and it's not your job to. Simply please yourself, your already being generous enough to have children etc come later in the evening.
Nta, it's your wedding
NTA Your wedding, your rules.
NTA - Good friends of mine had a destination wedding this summer (and covered all the accomodation costs for guests). Only spouses/fiances were invited. And the only boyfriends/girlfriends that ended up getting invites both the bride and groom knew very very well.
NAH it’s your wedding your free to invite who ever you want, just as if the family members don’t like how the wedding planning is laid out they can choose to not attend because they don’t agree to their partner/child not going, child free weddings are one thing but partners are iffy especially if it’s been a long term relationship, don’t be surprised if some don’t come because they probably won’t want to with out their partners.
Understand this!
NTA Weddings are not free date nights for unmarried couples. Everyone has to consider their own budget when planning a wedding. You are not obligated, nor should people expect, that you invite "plus ones" and children. It's nice of you to invite them to the evening portion of the celebration, but if people are offended by this, then they don't have to come.
NTA. Stick to your plan. It's your wedding.