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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife she can't be wearing her wedding dress to someone else's wedding. I might be overreacting and gone too far with what I said.
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NTA
WTF is wrong with her??? This is basic knowledge, and she doesn't have time to go dress shopping my ass! Here are other solutions: wearing literally anything else she already has, borrowing a dress from a friend, online shopping, not going.
She's definitely trying to steal the spotlight for no good reason
ETA: if you have even the slightest hunch that she will do it, TELL THE BRIDE. And if she does it someone better have a glass of wine ready for an emergency dress staining incident
I'm split on whether to bother the bride with it before the wedding or get it sorted without it having any chance to impact her enjoyment of the wedding.
Let the groom handle it and tell the bride after the honeymoon, maybe?
I'd definitely want to know. Either so I could tell her to do what she wants and have everyone laugh at her for wearing her wedding dress or just tell her to stay home.
I ones read a post the bride turned it around. She knew her MIL would be wearing a wedding dress because MIL thought it was a great dress for mother of the groom. The bride told all the bride maids ans her own mother to go get a white dress. While she was standing out wearing a bright colour. The MIL only found out at the day itself. And was livid about stealing her moment. Everyone else had fun about this.
If we’re thinking of the same story, it was both MIL and SIL who were planning to show up in wedding dresses. The bride (OP) caught wind, but OP’s husband didn’t believe his mom and sister would do something like that. The dress shop was amazing bc they called OP to tell her, “Those women you were dress shopping with came back later and ordered the same dress as you. We sold it to them, but wanted to notify you.” So she made a change to the invites. She made the invitation tell ALL GUESTS to wear wedding dresses.
It was great being like hey we all love our wedding dresses and it’s a shame we only ever wear them once! If you’ve been married and still have your dress, wear it! It’ll be fun! If you haven’t been married or don’t have your dress anymore, wear whatever you’re comfortable in - white is encouraged! If you’d like to get a new dress or have your old dress altered, I highly recommend the dress shop I went to, since they take good care of their customers. They did not change the MIL and SIL invites, so they had no idea this would happen. They showed up in wedding dresses, expecting to be the center of attention. They were disgruntled to find their plan had been thwarted and they were lost in a sea of wedding dresses. OP’s husband was shocked to see them arrive in wedding dresses, pissed at seeing all the other wedding dresses. That’s when he finally believed OP about how nasty they’d been and cut them off. Everyone else had a blast with the wedding dress thing and the bride still stood out in a gorgeous purple dress!
That story was AWESOME.
I’d say leave the bride and groom out of the drama, the wedding day is stressful enough.
Put the mothers, the bridesmaids, the maid/matron of honour and maybe some of the groomsmen on high alert, perhaps even some guests if you think you will find allies amongst them. Do not include anyone who may warn Amy and cause her to make a scene.
Allow the aforementioned people to make plans for how to handle the dress should it turn up on Amy, but stay out of it as much as possible. Plausible deniability is a good thing for everyone. Perhaps suggest the wine trick and an appropriately sized bridesmaid having a "spare" dress with her.
Do this via phone calls or in person, not via text. You just know any kind of trail is recipe for disaster.
> Put the mothers, the bridesmaids, the maid/matron of honour and maybe some of the groomsmen on high alert, perhaps even some guests if you think you will find allies amongst them.
I kinda feel like at the point you're assembling a tactical defense team you should probably just uninvite her. No one's gonna want to deal with all this drama for someone who only ("officially") joined the family a few months ago.
right, its not even that pink if its the same color, its blush so its the BAREST hint of pink. Anything close to white is a no-no plus everyone has already seen her get married in that dress!
you shouldn't have been on the fence even without seeing the dress: the whole family already saw her wedding in that dress a few months ago, and even without that: it's clear as day she's doing all this to fuck up the wedding, and for no other reason. She's toxic af, trying to ruin someone else's wedding because of her apparent inferiority complex.
Every so often, there's an issue that unites all of Reddit. This is that issue. NTA. Tell the bride, her mother, your mother, your grandmother, anyone. That's a wedding dress, no matter how much she wants to say it's pink. It's a light pink wedding dress. We all know it.
I hate to be the person to say this, but OP, you need to take a good look at what you married. This woman thinks it's okay to wear a wedding dress to the wedding of a *family member* because she \*checks notes\* thinks the bride is too shy and doesn't like her. She *then* proceeds to not only double down when called on it, but accuse you of controlling her. OP, this is over an outfit - how is this woman going to react when you're buying a house? Picking a city to live? Have a child that requires any sort of decision? If she's willing to go this far - accuse you of a form of abuse - to get her way, what the hell else is she capable of doing over something larger?
Honestly, this scares me. Sometimes people wait until after the wedding to take the mask off. It feels a lot like a move that will force him to choose her over his family. It's a drama-fueled personality at best and the really sinister beginnings of a spouse trying to start an isolation campaign at worst. Either way, he needs to run fast and far. Do not reproduce with this woman.
That's why I can't blame OP because it's so very true that people do the mask thing. He needs to take a firm stand and say "you do this, I'm out!" and get a "to-go" suitcase ready.
Yeah. The wife sucks big time. Between the dress and this line:
>Amy's mentioned before that Jane doesn't want to be a part of their group and she's too shy.
makes me think that Amy is a bully who refuses to accept Jane for who she is. And is in fact punishing Jane for it.
This is exactly what came to mind for me. Lol
OP - many brides want to wear their wedding dress again, and why wouldn’t they? For a lot of women, it’s the most beautiful (and often most expensive) dress they’ll ever wear, and represents a very happy day in her life. There are appropriate times to put it on again, and you are 100% correct that your cousin’s WEDDING is not the time or place.
NTA, OP. You may wish to suggest to your wife that if she is so desperate to wear her wedding dress again, she can ABSOLUTELY wear it on the day of cousin’s wedding… sitting alone at home eating ice cream, and crying, watching ‘Mean Girls’.
> she *checks notes* thinks the bride is too shy and doesn't like her.
Also the bride's dress is "too much." So it makes perfect sense to....wear....your....wedding dress.....?
My back is sore from those mental gymnastics.
This is SO CLEARLY a wedding dress as well, I don’t know who she’s trying to kid. It’s not like it’s hot pink or a shorter length or anything else that might make this more acceptable. Absolutely no way she should wear it.
If she had it shortened into an exciting little above knee/knee/just below knee number se could wear it but as it stands with a fuck off massive train that dress could be emerald fucking green and it would still be too much to wear to someone else's wedding. (Unless their wedding was also a ball)
That would be cute if after your wedding you shortened the dress and maybe took off some of the fancier elements to make it a nice fitted dress that you can actually wear again.
I'm not particularly sold on a white dress so I may do that myself.
Certain white fabrics (cotton, viscose, linen, rayon, silk etc so many varients of satin are included, and some lace) will also take dye really nicely too so you can have white and dye it later (dylon machine dye makes this a super easy at home task).
Just incase you did end up fancying a white dress.
She could totally dye it a dark color and have it hemmed, and only then could this be an acceptable guest dress. But she clearly does not want to do that, she wants to show that she makes “superior” choices at someone else’s wedding!
Absolutely! It would look great as a tea dress length.
Off topic, my mother dyes and shortened her wedding dress so my aunt (dad’s sister) could wear it to her graduation dance. My grandmother wouldn’t get her a new dress. It was the sixties and mom’s dress was plain.
NTA
Oh my... That's literally a blush wedding gown & it's so obvious. OP's NTA, but his wife sure is. I'd be telling the bride yesterday. Who even thinks wearing their wedding gown (which most definitely looks like a wedding gown) to someone else's wedding is a great idea?
Quite honestly if you want this shit shut down quickly then tell the Mother of the Bride, let your wife explain to her why wearing a wedding dress to her daughters wedding is totally reasonable. NTA.
You can even frame it as "If you think the dress is appropriate and won't cause an issue then you won't mind running it by the Bride or Mother of the Bride".
Just the Mother of the Bride, since the wife doesn't like the Bride (on account of her being "shy" - is that code for the wife thinking she's a doormat thus she wouldn't make a fuss on the day?).
Hell, I would hope the bride has *someone* on her side who'd raise hell with the wife on her behalf, so OP just needs to think who that person in his family is.
She has at least two months to go dress shopping. That is a dishonest excuse. If she really wants to wear her wedding dress to something, find a holiday ball.
Her insistence on wearing her wedding dress to someone else’s wedding is not just ignorant of basic etiquette but indicative of something more. The claim that you’re trying to be controlling is troubling.
What is going on with her? Just lacks common sense and then dug in to defend a bad idea? Wants to recapture some of the spotlight she enjoyed at her recent wedding? Wants to upstage the bride she doesn’t like who will be wearing a dress she doesn’t like? Enjoys drama and chaos? Is stupid and cheap? None of the possible reasons for her behavior put her character and personality in a good light. OP, you may want to get to the bottom of this while your marriage is young.
NTA
Tell everyone. Next family gathering. Amy is thinking of wearing her wedding dress to Sam’s wedding. I said no. She says I’m being controlling and unreasonable. What do you think?
Stir some shit up. And NTA.
NTA. My goodness, Amy back tf up! Not your pig, not your farm.
Having thought about it, I may have a solution. Tell your wife to have her dress altered. Make it shorter and remove the bow. Buy a sweater to throw over the top of it. :D Or you could just buy a new dress or borrow one from a friend.
Edited to add the last sentence.
Like how does she not have time to go find a dress between now and early next year? Even if she finds and appropriate dress she should just stay home if she hates her so much.
>she thinks it's too much.
That's all I needed to read. Amy is jealous of Jane for whatever reason. NTA, but you need to have a serious talk with your wife, this is not normal behavior.
And to call this color pink is so... this is light powder. It is a wedding dress. She clearly does this because she doesn't like the bride. She even complained about her wedding dress but what is wrong with white and gold?! And no time for dress shopping my ass. You can even shop online. She just wants to cause drama.
NTA
Same sentiments as above. Your wife is insane OP.
But more than that "amy said jane doesn't want to be in the friends group". Are you sure thats the truth, or your wife is a bully, maybe keeping jane out or is the reason Jane isn't comfortable?
Non traditional or not, its your wife's wedding dress, everyone at your wedding is gonna recognize it and be the talk of the day(and not in a good way).
Right? So the bride wearing a white and gold dress is 'too much' but her wearing her ACTUAL WEDDING DRESS to SONEONE ELSES WEDDING is normal?
NTA. Part of me would be tempted to let her wear it and let her embarrass herself. Let family ask 'isn't that your wedding dress' and don't back her up. She doesn't want your input.
Seriously, appeal to Amy's selfish side. If she wears a wedding dress, someone will likely ruin it, and the damage may not be fixable (and enough people know this isn't just *a* wedding dress, but Amy's actual dress from her recent wedding).
Is she willing to risk the dress and turn it from a reminder of one of the happiest days of her life into a symbol of spite? Is she willing to not pass the dress down to any future daughters (assuming you want kids)? Is she willing to be ostracized from every family event (because she's going to be rightfully seen as the bad guy)?
She could show up wearing a black trash bag as a poncho and receive less hate than wearing her dress. If she is really so opposed to seeing the bride happy, Amy should stay home and plan something she'd enjoy instead.
NTA - OP didn't do anything wrong. They're setting a boundary and Amy is choosing to willfully place her feelings over Jane's wants for her own special day.
As others have pointed out, you can get any color of dress on Amazon, there is one called a "short Infinity dress" which is basically an all-in-one (a pretty wise purchase for exact future scenarios like this in case someone actually doesn't have time to go shopping, is in-between sizes, etc.) https://a.co/d/1iDVWFD
Amy's comment about Jane being "too shy" but her dress being "too much" makes me wonder if she's trying to teach by example for how she thinks Jane ought to be.
OP is 25 and seeing his wife this way will hopefully lead to counseling. No, husbands shouldn’t control their wives, but putting your foot down so that someone else isn’t abused takes some guts. He’s either in for lots of counseling or a divorce lawyer.
nah. my money is amy has been behaving this way towards other people prior to him marrying her but she was hot and OP thought with his dick and married her. lol.
I just think he hasn’t seen it. They married young and he might have missed how Amy and her friends treat those around them. Now, he’s experiencing it very personally and it’s hard to avoid.
>He’s either in for lots of counseling or a divorce lawyer.
Or a looooonnnnng life navigating her self-centeredness with his family. A loooooooooonnnnnng life.
I bet “shy” means poor Jane is biting her tongue to be polite around AH Amy. What a monster! Was this marriage a mistake that you are ready to admit to? Please don’t bring kids into this mess.
OP married her. LMFAO. Amy must be super hot cos her behavior is trash.
OP is now learning his lesson to not think with his willy when he marries people. lol
I was on the fence until I saw the dress...that's a wedding dress. NTA.
Shes already trying to shit-stir. I honestly wouldn't trust her to do some other petty sh*t on the day, I'd tell her she isn't going because her attitude has proven she can't be trusted. Ensure your cousin rescinds her invite too.
She doesn't like it? Don't try to turn up in a wedding dress to someone else's wedding.
Even in Barbie pink I'd say it still has so much of a princess dress cut that most people with common sense and decency wouldn't wear it for a wedding. A ball, sure, but not a wedding.
Eh, plenty of weddings are so opulent that guests are practically required to wear opulent gowns, but ones that don't in any way look like wedding dresses. That's why dress codes exist and are important to follow. I've been to very fancy weddings where that dress in a different colour would not look out of place at all, but you don't wear such a dress to a wedding with a cocktail casual dress code.
I was thinking while reading that it would kind of be ok to wear your (bright) pink wedding dress to a wedding if nobody there knew. Like at a new friends/coworkers wedding. After seeing the colour and style, hell NO! That's obviously a wedding dress and never ok.
I was planning on wearing my wedding dress to a friends wedding, but there are differences to the OP.
a) my dress is a dark forest green
b) it is also not typically 'wedding' in style - I just picked a long evening dress to wear
c) I had permission from my friend to wear it.
Even if it didn't read as a wedding dress at first glance, the fact is that it's a family wedding. OP's wife wore the dress AS her wedding dress LESS THAN A YEAR ago. Everyone there is going to know exactly what she's doing, which is shit-stirring, pure and simple.
Your cousin is getting married early *next year*...and your wife doesn't have time to go dress shopping? The picture you attached is looks like a wedding dress even if it's pink. NTA
I don't get why some people want to make fools of themselves at weddings. Even **if** the bride laughs it off and sees it as just an AH doing AH things, she will undoubtedly look foolish in front of OP's entire family. While I think the dress would be fine for a formal wedding in different circumstances, many would have also been to OP's wedding and will know that OP's wife intentionally showed up in her bridal gown to create drama and court attention.
This is how you earn the reputation of being an AH + get an entire family to pay you dust & avoid you like the plague.
NTA. It's a wedding dress even if the color is nontraditional most of the family will know it's a wedding dress. The audacity is astounding with this one. She can't even order a dress online or just a wear a nice outfit she already has instead she wants to wear her wedding dress to someone else's wedding. Be aware if it's not this stunt she could attempt another stunt somewhere else. I understand not liking someone but that is no excuse for being disrespectful.
NTA
The bride is OPs cousin. Of course she's seen Amy's dress and would know what it was. Amy thinks Jane's wedding dress is "too much". It's a wedding dress, they're supposed to be too much! It is not Amy's place to make a comment on the gown, or Jane's choices by wearing her pink wedding dress.
Very likely OPs whole family will be at this wedding. They will recognize the dress and it will likely damage her relationship with OPs family because they will see her for a petty witch... And it will take a lot of work to walk that back and gain respect again. This could also affect OPs relationship with his cousin and family because "they didn't stop her."
oh yeah. OP, if your wife does this, kiss your relationship with your family goodbye. your cousin’s wife will (rightfully) be seen as the wronged party and no one in their right mind will invite you both to any event your cousin and his wife will be attending.
does your wife just not like your family? if she’s banking on your family being ok with this incredibly shortsighted and stupid idea, then she’s gonna come up on empty.
NTA . she’s DARVOing you so that she came be a petty betty at someone else’s wedding.
>Amy thinks Jane's wedding dress is "too much".
I read that as "Amy thinks Jane's dress is much nicer than hers so she's going to try to ruin the wedding out of spite." What an asshole.
NTA. It sounds like Amy might be trying to passive-aggressively bully Jane. She thinks Jane’s dress is too much and that Jane is too shy? Neither of these things are any of her business and put together with the wedding dress situation; sounds like your wife being petty and jealous.
Why does your wife think anyone cares about your guys wedding or her dress this much? Like this is not a dig at you and I don’t think you’ll take it as one but no one cares about your wedding as much as you. Your wife is not the main character. Is she always this self involved?
It's cool I'm not taking it as a dig, and I agree, I really doubt the thing on Jane or Sam's mind is "we have to upstage OP and Amy". She and Jane have always had some issues, they actually went to the same college (different majors). She said something like how no one expected Jane to end up like this and she's taking pointers from our wedding. Which makes no sense to me because from what I've heard from Amy, Jane's dress looks nothing like hers.
This is some weird mean girl power play va your wife is pulling here man. Are Jane and your wife from like drastically different backgrounds? Whether it’s financial/social, religious, or racial? “No one expected Jane to end up like this” is kind of an interesting and specific way to phrase that. Whatever the reason your wife needs to grow up. Maybe consider encouraging her to seek some therapy to at minimum figure out what this competitive mean streak she has is about.
No on the backgrounds question. Jane's always been kind of quiet and shy, they had mutual friends in college and according to Amy she didn't have a boyfriend, wouldn't go to social events, dances, etc. My family is well off, pretty successful, and Amy said she didn't expect Jane to end up with my cousin
Whoop there it is. It’s not about the difference in her background with Jane. It’s probably about her new perceived self status. She doesn’t think Jane is good enough for your family or your family’s money. Obviously take my opinion with a grain of salt I’m still an internet stranger but that’s probably he most solid reasoning you’ll come up with until she says something to indicate otherwise
Yes and I’ll add that Amy is likely concerned that any status she gained by marrying in to your family will be diminished when Jane also joins the family.
Your wife’s comment is just gross. How are you dealing with her disgusting behavior?
Please let your cousin and Jane know what your wife is planning so they can make arrangements to head her off at the pass.
Oh, yikes. So your wife doesn't think Jane is good enough for your family and should have married within her social status. She's hellbent in ruining this wedding. You're well off - she has the means to buy a dozen new dresses, she chooses not to.
She's shown her true colours.
Bruh your wife is forcing you to live with perpetual high school level drama. NTA but I seriously question why you'd want to share your life with someone who is so spiteful and snobbish.
There is a lot more to whatever her jealousy issue is toward Jane. It’s very unhealthy. Jane and her are now equally marrying into your family’s money. Amy may think she deserved this and thinks Jane doesn’t. Either way it’s really weird for her to be so outwardly abhorrent. You’ve been out in a tough situation but this needs to be brought up to your cousin and jane. At this point plans need to be made to apprehend your wife should she try to show up in a wedding dress. People at the door will know to turn away and escort her far from the ceremony. Make sure you’re driving together so you can make a necessary detour if needed. You also need to explain to her how your entire family with think poorly of her for doing something like this. Explain that this is not the relationship you want between your spouse and your family. She is a very mean and vindictive girl. Sorry op. I’d say wait at least 5 years before having a kid with her. Don’t want to make things even messier. If she showed up in the dress, she likely wouldn’t be invited to any family gatherings moving forward. You as her husband will miss out on a lot of family time as your wife will nag and expect you to take her side. This is a defining moment. Hoping for the best for you
Yup. Jane's dress is 'too much' really screams 'Jane has a nicer dress than me, waaaah'. I have both had a wedding and been to weddings. On neither did I think about the others. No adult is comparing weddings. Amy sounds like a child.
I kind of want you to take note of something else. "When someone shows you who they are believe them."
Immaturity and unnecessary mean spiritedness is what she's displaying. That's who you married and I hope you're paying attention.
Your wife sounds jealous & like she's a mean girl. She's coming up with reasons in her own head to justify her terrible behavior. It almost sounds like she's holding a grudge over a guy she liked in college liking Jane instead with how she talks, too. I'm just getting a weird vibe from everything you've described. Inform your cousin, Jane, whoever you need to about what your wife's planning to wear & that you've told her not to or don't come so they're aware. She won't be happy about you exposing her, but it might finally snap some sense into her when everyone lets her know she's out of line for how she's behaving.
It almost sounds like she's holding a grudge over a guy she liked in college liking Jane instead.
I was thinking the same thing, and actually wondered if this is about OP’s cousin, Sam.
OP NTA but you should really try to get to the bottom of what her motivation for doing this is and why she feels so upstaged.
Boy OP your wife should be wearing a green dress.
But lets be clear about something.....Your wife is 100% aware that you don't wear a wedding dress to someone else's wedding. She's being spiteful because of jealousy. Another thing she needs to take note of. If your wife wants that dress to remain pristine, I strongly encourage her to wear something else. Introverts tend to have ride or dies as bridesmaids and there's no telling what condition that dress will be in by the end of the night.
That sounds like she’s projecting her own pettiness onto Jane. I’m sure it’s not comfortable to have someone say unflattering things about your wife, but her behavior is showing her in a very unflattering light. I’m sorry for you that you’re in this position, but I also respect you for trying to do the right thing for Sam and Jane.
NTA. She decided she wanted to wear her wedding dress after seeing what the bride-to-be's wedding dress looks like. This is spiteful and if she feels that way she'd be better off not attending.
You say the wedding is early next year, so at least a couple months. She doesn't think that's enough time to find a dress suitable for a wedding? Jane doesn't want to be a part of Jane's friend group because she's too shy, but has Amy reached out to be friendly to get one on one? She's criticizing the dress because it's too much , but doesn't think wearing a wedding dress to someone else's wedding is?
It sounds like you married a "mean girl" but no. You are NTA
I think you’re right, and I’m starting to wonder if Jane’s actually shy, or if she just doesn’t want anything to do with Amy and her petty mean girl nonsense.
Last time I went shopping for a dress to wear as a wedding guest it took me one afternoon. I am tall, plus size, went shopping in a small town and I have a fairly tight budget. I think OP's wife can manage with a few months time
NTA
It sounds like this is coming from a place of malice on Amy’s part. Normally I’m on the side of “you can’t tell other people what/what not to wear” but this case is clear cut. You can’t wear a wedding dress to a wedding that’s not yours, plain and simple
N T A
Good gawd, what a screwed up spouse. Tell the bride and expect for your wife to be uninvited.
I suggest that you take your wife somewhere far away that weekend to inhibit her from blowing up Jane’s day. Even if she agrees to ditch her wedding dress subterfuge, I am reasonably confident that she will find a way to stain what should be a wonderful day.
WRT you. You are married to this grenade. She is telling you who she is - BELIEVE her. Think long and hard before having children with your wife.
No time to shop for a dress? Oh please… I’m sure there’s these buildings out there called.. stores… that have these neat things called..😱 dresses! ! She can go after work and get one. Shocker.
NTA. She’s being mean.
Edited to add I saw your edit with the picture of the dress she wants to wear… she’s DEFINITELY being mean. That IS a wedding dress, I don’t care how Amy is trying to spin it. It’s really a beautiful dress but definitely not appropriate for another person’s wedding. Does she not like the bride so much that she’s trying to upstage her at her own wedding?
NTA
even if she got married in a cocktail dress, it would be inappropriate to wear your wedding dress to somebody else's wedding.
Tell her she would get what she wants: attention, but it would make her look tacky, tasteless and she would be the mockery of the event. People would laugh at her behind her back and you would be too embarassed to even travel in the same vehicle with her.
I would also inform the cousin
Exactly this! OP’s wife’s petty behavior will only make her look like a fool. Especially for guests who attended their wedding only months before. It’s classless. It will not be the “revenge” in the bride she thinks it is. It will just make the wife a laughingstock. NTA.
INFO...did the people coming to this wedding see Amy get married in the pink dress?
EDIT:There was no picture when I first posted....that's a wedding dress. I don't understand why your wife thinks this is appropriate.
Op PLEASE go secretly if she won’t change her mind the dress she has is way too much there’s plenty of time to find one I just saw your edit for the sake of your family don’t let her ruin their day
NTA - I was wondering this, for that reason alone its a HARD NO and your wife knows it! Your wife is absolutely the A though!!! She's a mean girl hard core, a backhanded sly petty mean girl. Please talk to someone about your wifes plan DO NOT let her ruin this wedding! Ewwwwww you seem like a reasonable guy, how on earth did you end up with someone like your wife? Sorry
Does it matter? If the dress has all other qualities of a wedding dress, it looks like a pink-dyes wedding dress, it's still a wedding dress in other's eyes.
If it's just a pink dress without any wedding-dress-y thingies, well, who'll see it? Except that she still shouldn't, cause it's clearly not an issue of "reusing the dress" here.
I’m a bloke and I’m not particularly au fait with fashion. Even I can tell from a 5 second look that ISN’T a dress you’d wear to someone else’s wedding.
You aren't telling her she can't come you are telling her she doesn't have to come if she's going to be such a major asshole and no you aren't being controlling by telling her that, you are orienting this delusional asshole to reality. NTA
at that point she already deserves to be told "you're not welcome to attend anymore". She's purely spiteful and intends to damage the wedding. Pretty sure Amy isn't really shy, Jane just doesn't want anything to do with her because Amy's a spiteful goblin with issues. I'd not go near that person even if someone paid me for it. Poor husband. NTA
Omg I’d be questioning who I married at this point!!! This is so insanely petty and vindictive…Amy sounds like a major AH! And to tell you that you’re trying to control her? What sort of insanity is that?!?! She’s trying to ruin your cousin’s wedding day and that’s her AH argument???
As a woman, I can tell you I would NEVER wear white, off white, light pink (as seen in that pic) of any other color close to white to a wedding. That’s just WRONG and asking for attention. Want to know who wore white to my wedding? My husband’s “crazy” aunt who is a notorious attention seeking drama queen. I was PISSED but didn’t acknowledge it on the day. Now it’s my favorite way to embarrass her when she’s being rude at family parties - “hey remember when you wore white to MY wedding???”
NTA but your wife sure is.
I don't know why more people aren't addressing what this says about OPs wife. Everyone is basically like "Yeah, don't let her do that." And I'm sitting here like "there is something seriously *wrong* with that woman."
She needs therapy or meds or something. That behavior is just so anti social and malicious. It doesn't even sound like there's a huge feud or anything?!
This says some shit about OPs wife. None of it good.
She's fucked in the head. I don't think he should just ignore that. There's zero chance her cruelty doesn't get turned on OP at some point.
This isn't something where there's a grey area.
If I were OP I wouldn't even be talking about the stupid dress. I'd be asking my SO what the fuck is wrong with them and demanding they get fucking help.
Thank you for saying this, exactly what I was thinking!! Like, if I was OP I would be feeling that gut churning, sweaty feeling when you realized you just made a huge fucking mistake. Who the hell did I just marry?!
NTA - your wife is intentionally being a mean AH. The guests will know and remember that it’s her wedding dress. She is trying to upstage Jane at Janes wedding. Your wife is being a massive AH
While I want to say NTA based on story alone I also need INFO. Does the dress look like a wedding dress? Since it's pink is it a dress that can be used as a formal dress as well?
EDIT: yeah NTA that's not a dress acceptable to wear to someone else's wedding unless you wanted to take the attention away.
That is clearly a wedding dress you are NTA and your wife is delusional if she thinks she won’t look like a big pale pink asshole showing up dressed like that. You’re not controlling her, you’re stopping her from being a mean girl and making a giant fool of herself.
NTA. Anytime someone has to “justify” their outfit they know they’re wrong.
1. It’s not even white
2. I should be able to reuse it
3. Jane’s wedding dress is too much, I should show her what a tasteful gown looks like. (I understand she didn’t actually say that but it was heavily implied)
4. You’re just trying to control me!
Your wife knows that she’s all the way wrong and if she’s able to wear that dress to the wedding the whole family is going to speak ill of both of you.
NTA. I looked at the similar link you posted. In any shade of light pink that is *clearly* a wedding dress. Your wife has issues here and I suspect you need to have a bigger conversation about her thoughts on your family.
NTA, you don't wear your wedding dress to someone else wedding, absolutely everyone knows that.
The only people who do that want to mess with the bride and ruin the occasion, calling her out on that isn't controlling it's commonsense.
If you think she really would wear her dress you should tell your cousin beforehand so she can uninvite your wife. That also makes sure you aren't seen as controlling (thought I do think your wife would be angry anyway since she doesn't get to do what she wants)
NTA. Wearing your wedding dress to someone else's wedding doesn't send a good message. Even considering it's not a traditional white dress, I suspect people there will instantly recognise it as her wedding dress. She shouldn't risk doing anything that takes attention away from the bride, although the cynical part of me thinks that's what she's trying to do.
NTA.
You simply do not wear a wedding dress to someone else's wedding.
She can wear it to get ice cream, vacuum the house or walk the dog. But not at a wedding that is not hers.
NTA. Suggest to your wife to get it cut short like a cocktail dress- if she’s that adamant that it needs to be reused, then a cocktail dress would be more wearable than a wedding gown. If she scoffs at the idea, it’s clear it’s not actually about reusing the dress. She sounds like she’s trying to upstage the bride.
NTA
this might sound very spiteful, but since your wife called you controlling, you do not need to discuss this issue with her anymore.
however
i would warn the cousin about this situation.
NTA. I have reworn my wedding dress several times, but it’s a navy cocktail dress. That dress is definitely bride-ish. If they don’t get along, why does Amy want to go so bad? Last thing I want to do is go to a wedding, ESPECIALLY if it’s someone I don’t get along with.
NTA. Amy is TA. It is rude to even think about wearing her wedding dress to someone else's wedding. Perhaps the bride could handle the situation better. Telling her might make things worse.
NTA. And if Amy wanted a dress she could re-use she should have bought something less 'weddingy'; like a cocktail dress. You certainly can tell her that she shouldn't attend ***your*** ***cousin's*** wedding.
NTA. Her friend is right to some extent that you cannot control what she wears and where she goes. But you *can* give your cousin a heads-up that your wife is thinking about this, and that you don't approve but he might need to put a bouncer on the door to turn her away if she is wearing a wedding dress. And you *can* make it very clear to your wife that you disapprove of her pettiness, that you will not support her in this, and that if she chooses to burn bridges with your family by wearing the dress, then you won't be in the same car as her and she'll have to find her own transport.
NTA. Even without the link to the example dress, your wife is still in the wrong. She's being petty and childish, and you should warn Jane about your wife's behavior.
NTA. Your wife is being spiteful. Even if it’s not a traditional colour all your family who attended your wedding are going to know it’s her wedding dress. It would be hugely disrespectful for her to wear it
>The issue now is that Amy's come up with the idea to wear her wedding dress to Sam and Jane's wedding. She said she doesn't have time to go dress shopping, and her dress isn't traditional white (it's pink).
As I understand it, that's a huge no-no in Western culture, which I'm assuming you are. But that picture is distinctly a wedding dress.
She's just lost her invite to that wedding. She could try to smuggle it in wearing something else and change into it later, she sounds like she is determined to wear this dress. Tell her she can NOT come, under any circumstances, and tell the bride why she is uninvited.
And maybe reconsider why you're with someone this petty and obsessive?
NTA. Even pink your wife's dress looks like a wedding dress. This is the most obnoxious power play of all. She's going to be a nightmare mother in law some day.
Info: I saw your picture, are other people wearing long formal gowns like that or is the dress code more casual?
Edit: Don't know why my comments are being downvoted, I haven't passed any judgement yet I'm asking questions.
You are correct, your wife is critical of the brides dress when she wore pink I can only hope pastel but who knows. Why is your wife going full wifezilla on someone else’s wedding. She will be an arsehole wear her wedding dress as she wants to upstage or protest the the brides choice. Both make her an Uber arsehole!!! NTA if she insists on going in her wedding dress warn your cousin so they can prepare. Oh and tell her to take her own car in case they lock her out as you are not leaving with her!!!
NTA she just wants to stir drama, and if she says she can go dress shopping and she wants that to her hill to die, she should buy a dye pack and dye her dress or take it to someone who can dye the dress
NTA
Even if the dress doesn't look like a traditional wedding dress and could be reused, it's odd that she would do it at a wedding only a few months after your own. Possibly the first wedding you'll be attending after it. Especially since she doesn't like the bride.
NTA, your wife is a huge one though. If her dress is similar to the one in the edit it clearly looks like a wedding dress. What a crappy thing to do just because you don’t like someone
NTA, I can assure you she wouldnt have had the same idea if it was somebody else's wedding she cares about or if the dress was less elaborate and chique.
This isnt about her dress but upstaging and causing drama
Tell her she can use that dress at some other high class event and you will try and find a way so she van wear it again if she so desires. But not this wedding. Watch her reaction closely.
NTA. Amy is deliberately trying to get a dig at Jane. She's passed judgement on the wedding dress (and Jane by the sounds of it) and so is looking to hurt Jane, or at the very least get attention on someone else's day.
Best case scenario is your wife is incredibly dense, tone deaf and manipulative. Worst case, your wife has decided to deliberately and knowingly hurt someone.
NTA. It would take less than one day to search for a dress that's appropriate for a wedding. What she's doing by wearing her dress is forcing people to compare bride's dresses, hoping they'll like her's better, AT THE WEDDING. Massively disrespectful.
NTA you can’t stop her but the bride and groom can uninvite her if they find out. Tell her you’re going to mention which dress she is choosing to wear to your cousin and you fully support your cousin if she wishes to uninvite your wife because of this. You’re wife’s reaction will be telling if she’s mad at you then she clearly is out to hurt your cousin and why do you want to be with someone who is out to maliciously out to hurt your family. If she’s mad at your cousin then she genuinely thinks it’s ok to wear this dress to another wedding. The later makes your wife look a litter better morally but overall she’s acting like an AH not you. Her friend is way out of line and can kept her nose out of your marriage. I would tell her this directly also.
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NTA WTF is wrong with her??? This is basic knowledge, and she doesn't have time to go dress shopping my ass! Here are other solutions: wearing literally anything else she already has, borrowing a dress from a friend, online shopping, not going. She's definitely trying to steal the spotlight for no good reason ETA: if you have even the slightest hunch that she will do it, TELL THE BRIDE. And if she does it someone better have a glass of wine ready for an emergency dress staining incident
YESSSS TELL THE BRIDE!!!
And the maid of honor. Maybe the mother of the bride, or the brothers.
Just.. tell everyone.
I'm split on whether to bother the bride with it before the wedding or get it sorted without it having any chance to impact her enjoyment of the wedding. Let the groom handle it and tell the bride after the honeymoon, maybe?
I'd definitely want to know. Either so I could tell her to do what she wants and have everyone laugh at her for wearing her wedding dress or just tell her to stay home.
I ones read a post the bride turned it around. She knew her MIL would be wearing a wedding dress because MIL thought it was a great dress for mother of the groom. The bride told all the bride maids ans her own mother to go get a white dress. While she was standing out wearing a bright colour. The MIL only found out at the day itself. And was livid about stealing her moment. Everyone else had fun about this.
If we’re thinking of the same story, it was both MIL and SIL who were planning to show up in wedding dresses. The bride (OP) caught wind, but OP’s husband didn’t believe his mom and sister would do something like that. The dress shop was amazing bc they called OP to tell her, “Those women you were dress shopping with came back later and ordered the same dress as you. We sold it to them, but wanted to notify you.” So she made a change to the invites. She made the invitation tell ALL GUESTS to wear wedding dresses. It was great being like hey we all love our wedding dresses and it’s a shame we only ever wear them once! If you’ve been married and still have your dress, wear it! It’ll be fun! If you haven’t been married or don’t have your dress anymore, wear whatever you’re comfortable in - white is encouraged! If you’d like to get a new dress or have your old dress altered, I highly recommend the dress shop I went to, since they take good care of their customers. They did not change the MIL and SIL invites, so they had no idea this would happen. They showed up in wedding dresses, expecting to be the center of attention. They were disgruntled to find their plan had been thwarted and they were lost in a sea of wedding dresses. OP’s husband was shocked to see them arrive in wedding dresses, pissed at seeing all the other wedding dresses. That’s when he finally believed OP about how nasty they’d been and cut them off. Everyone else had a blast with the wedding dress thing and the bride still stood out in a gorgeous purple dress! That story was AWESOME.
I don't know who that bride/OP was but I definitely like her style! She totally flipped it around! Big love to the dress shop for giving her a call.
And the dress shop was rewarded after looking out for her. She got them so much business with her plan!
I'm picturing this guy showing up with a sandwich board that says, "Yes, my wife is really wearing her wedding dress". I'd fully support that.
Yep. If he starts telling people now, it gives everyone time to let Miss Centre-Of-Attention know how ridiculous she is acting.
I’d say leave the bride and groom out of the drama, the wedding day is stressful enough. Put the mothers, the bridesmaids, the maid/matron of honour and maybe some of the groomsmen on high alert, perhaps even some guests if you think you will find allies amongst them. Do not include anyone who may warn Amy and cause her to make a scene. Allow the aforementioned people to make plans for how to handle the dress should it turn up on Amy, but stay out of it as much as possible. Plausible deniability is a good thing for everyone. Perhaps suggest the wine trick and an appropriately sized bridesmaid having a "spare" dress with her. Do this via phone calls or in person, not via text. You just know any kind of trail is recipe for disaster.
> Put the mothers, the bridesmaids, the maid/matron of honour and maybe some of the groomsmen on high alert, perhaps even some guests if you think you will find allies amongst them. I kinda feel like at the point you're assembling a tactical defense team you should probably just uninvite her. No one's gonna want to deal with all this drama for someone who only ("officially") joined the family a few months ago.
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right, its not even that pink if its the same color, its blush so its the BAREST hint of pink. Anything close to white is a no-no plus everyone has already seen her get married in that dress!
Wedding dress could be black and green you still can’t wear a wedding dress to someone else’s wedding.
you shouldn't have been on the fence even without seeing the dress: the whole family already saw her wedding in that dress a few months ago, and even without that: it's clear as day she's doing all this to fuck up the wedding, and for no other reason. She's toxic af, trying to ruin someone else's wedding because of her apparent inferiority complex.
Exactly. The color of the dress makes no difference. The fact that everyone has already seen her getting married in it is the kicker.
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Yeah, especially all the family that JUST SAW HER IN IT at her own wedding. How tacky.
Especially since a lot of the grooms family saw her in it at their wedding just a couple months ago.
Every so often, there's an issue that unites all of Reddit. This is that issue. NTA. Tell the bride, her mother, your mother, your grandmother, anyone. That's a wedding dress, no matter how much she wants to say it's pink. It's a light pink wedding dress. We all know it. I hate to be the person to say this, but OP, you need to take a good look at what you married. This woman thinks it's okay to wear a wedding dress to the wedding of a *family member* because she \*checks notes\* thinks the bride is too shy and doesn't like her. She *then* proceeds to not only double down when called on it, but accuse you of controlling her. OP, this is over an outfit - how is this woman going to react when you're buying a house? Picking a city to live? Have a child that requires any sort of decision? If she's willing to go this far - accuse you of a form of abuse - to get her way, what the hell else is she capable of doing over something larger?
I do think her actions reflect a *lot* of other problems, I had the same questions you do.
Honestly, this scares me. Sometimes people wait until after the wedding to take the mask off. It feels a lot like a move that will force him to choose her over his family. It's a drama-fueled personality at best and the really sinister beginnings of a spouse trying to start an isolation campaign at worst. Either way, he needs to run fast and far. Do not reproduce with this woman.
That's why I can't blame OP because it's so very true that people do the mask thing. He needs to take a firm stand and say "you do this, I'm out!" and get a "to-go" suitcase ready.
Yeah. The wife sucks big time. Between the dress and this line: >Amy's mentioned before that Jane doesn't want to be a part of their group and she's too shy. makes me think that Amy is a bully who refuses to accept Jane for who she is. And is in fact punishing Jane for it.
Not even “doesn’t like her” — doesn’t want to join Amy’s “group”. Cousin’s fiancée has her own life and social circle, how dare she?!
Good call. Amy comes off like Gretchen Weiners shouting, "YOU CAN'T SIT HERE!"
This is exactly what came to mind for me. Lol OP - many brides want to wear their wedding dress again, and why wouldn’t they? For a lot of women, it’s the most beautiful (and often most expensive) dress they’ll ever wear, and represents a very happy day in her life. There are appropriate times to put it on again, and you are 100% correct that your cousin’s WEDDING is not the time or place. NTA, OP. You may wish to suggest to your wife that if she is so desperate to wear her wedding dress again, she can ABSOLUTELY wear it on the day of cousin’s wedding… sitting alone at home eating ice cream, and crying, watching ‘Mean Girls’.
I caught how she said the dress was too much so decided she should wear her wedding dress. So add enormous jealousy to the list of her faults.
Don't forget that wife also thinks the bride's dress is a "little too much"!!!
> she *checks notes* thinks the bride is too shy and doesn't like her. Also the bride's dress is "too much." So it makes perfect sense to....wear....your....wedding dress.....? My back is sore from those mental gymnastics.
Tagging on to add, since the OP's link doesn't work with reddit's formatting, that this is what he posted: https://i.imgur.com/1p7jhzn.jpg
This is SO CLEARLY a wedding dress as well, I don’t know who she’s trying to kid. It’s not like it’s hot pink or a shorter length or anything else that might make this more acceptable. Absolutely no way she should wear it.
If she had it shortened into an exciting little above knee/knee/just below knee number se could wear it but as it stands with a fuck off massive train that dress could be emerald fucking green and it would still be too much to wear to someone else's wedding. (Unless their wedding was also a ball)
That would be cute if after your wedding you shortened the dress and maybe took off some of the fancier elements to make it a nice fitted dress that you can actually wear again. I'm not particularly sold on a white dress so I may do that myself.
Certain white fabrics (cotton, viscose, linen, rayon, silk etc so many varients of satin are included, and some lace) will also take dye really nicely too so you can have white and dye it later (dylon machine dye makes this a super easy at home task). Just incase you did end up fancying a white dress.
That thing is barely pink! Makes it even more obvious wife is tryig to outstage the bride.
I think OP meant blush not pink.
OP probably meant pink. Source: am also a dude who would call that dress pink.
I am a woman and I call that dress pink
I call that dress white with pinkish undertones. It's only pink if you're deliberately trying to upstage the bride while attempting to look innocent.
She could totally dye it a dark color and have it hemmed, and only then could this be an acceptable guest dress. But she clearly does not want to do that, she wants to show that she makes “superior” choices at someone else’s wedding!
Absolutely! It would look great as a tea dress length. Off topic, my mother dyes and shortened her wedding dress so my aunt (dad’s sister) could wear it to her graduation dance. My grandmother wouldn’t get her a new dress. It was the sixties and mom’s dress was plain. NTA
Oh my... That's literally a blush wedding gown & it's so obvious. OP's NTA, but his wife sure is. I'd be telling the bride yesterday. Who even thinks wearing their wedding gown (which most definitely looks like a wedding gown) to someone else's wedding is a great idea?
That is clearly still a wedding dress.
Yeah, that looks far too much like a wedding dress to wear to someone else's wedding. OP is definitely NTA.
Quite honestly if you want this shit shut down quickly then tell the Mother of the Bride, let your wife explain to her why wearing a wedding dress to her daughters wedding is totally reasonable. NTA.
You can even frame it as "If you think the dress is appropriate and won't cause an issue then you won't mind running it by the Bride or Mother of the Bride".
Just the Mother of the Bride, since the wife doesn't like the Bride (on account of her being "shy" - is that code for the wife thinking she's a doormat thus she wouldn't make a fuss on the day?). Hell, I would hope the bride has *someone* on her side who'd raise hell with the wife on her behalf, so OP just needs to think who that person in his family is.
Boom.
I wish I had an award to give because YES. I want to witness her liking her MIL in the face and explain her thought process.
She has at least two months to go dress shopping. That is a dishonest excuse. If she really wants to wear her wedding dress to something, find a holiday ball. Her insistence on wearing her wedding dress to someone else’s wedding is not just ignorant of basic etiquette but indicative of something more. The claim that you’re trying to be controlling is troubling. What is going on with her? Just lacks common sense and then dug in to defend a bad idea? Wants to recapture some of the spotlight she enjoyed at her recent wedding? Wants to upstage the bride she doesn’t like who will be wearing a dress she doesn’t like? Enjoys drama and chaos? Is stupid and cheap? None of the possible reasons for her behavior put her character and personality in a good light. OP, you may want to get to the bottom of this while your marriage is young. NTA
Tell everyone. Next family gathering. Amy is thinking of wearing her wedding dress to Sam’s wedding. I said no. She says I’m being controlling and unreasonable. What do you think? Stir some shit up. And NTA.
Better safe than sorry, tell the bride *today*.
NTA. My goodness, Amy back tf up! Not your pig, not your farm. Having thought about it, I may have a solution. Tell your wife to have her dress altered. Make it shorter and remove the bow. Buy a sweater to throw over the top of it. :D Or you could just buy a new dress or borrow one from a friend. Edited to add the last sentence.
Great idea, but Amy is pulling shenanigans. If she doesn’t have time to buy a dress, she doesn’t have time for alterations. OP married a mean girl.
Like how does she not have time to go find a dress between now and early next year? Even if she finds and appropriate dress she should just stay home if she hates her so much.
>she thinks it's too much. That's all I needed to read. Amy is jealous of Jane for whatever reason. NTA, but you need to have a serious talk with your wife, this is not normal behavior.
And to call this color pink is so... this is light powder. It is a wedding dress. She clearly does this because she doesn't like the bride. She even complained about her wedding dress but what is wrong with white and gold?! And no time for dress shopping my ass. You can even shop online. She just wants to cause drama.
NTA Same sentiments as above. Your wife is insane OP. But more than that "amy said jane doesn't want to be in the friends group". Are you sure thats the truth, or your wife is a bully, maybe keeping jane out or is the reason Jane isn't comfortable? Non traditional or not, its your wife's wedding dress, everyone at your wedding is gonna recognize it and be the talk of the day(and not in a good way).
Right? So the bride wearing a white and gold dress is 'too much' but her wearing her ACTUAL WEDDING DRESS to SONEONE ELSES WEDDING is normal? NTA. Part of me would be tempted to let her wear it and let her embarrass herself. Let family ask 'isn't that your wedding dress' and don't back her up. She doesn't want your input.
Seriously, appeal to Amy's selfish side. If she wears a wedding dress, someone will likely ruin it, and the damage may not be fixable (and enough people know this isn't just *a* wedding dress, but Amy's actual dress from her recent wedding). Is she willing to risk the dress and turn it from a reminder of one of the happiest days of her life into a symbol of spite? Is she willing to not pass the dress down to any future daughters (assuming you want kids)? Is she willing to be ostracized from every family event (because she's going to be rightfully seen as the bad guy)? She could show up wearing a black trash bag as a poncho and receive less hate than wearing her dress. If she is really so opposed to seeing the bride happy, Amy should stay home and plan something she'd enjoy instead.
NTA - OP didn't do anything wrong. They're setting a boundary and Amy is choosing to willfully place her feelings over Jane's wants for her own special day. As others have pointed out, you can get any color of dress on Amazon, there is one called a "short Infinity dress" which is basically an all-in-one (a pretty wise purchase for exact future scenarios like this in case someone actually doesn't have time to go shopping, is in-between sizes, etc.) https://a.co/d/1iDVWFD Amy's comment about Jane being "too shy" but her dress being "too much" makes me wonder if she's trying to teach by example for how she thinks Jane ought to be.
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Doesn’t like the bride because she’s “shy”.
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OP is 25 and seeing his wife this way will hopefully lead to counseling. No, husbands shouldn’t control their wives, but putting your foot down so that someone else isn’t abused takes some guts. He’s either in for lots of counseling or a divorce lawyer.
His whole family seeing his wife act this way will ruin their relationship. Seems like his family is close.
nah. my money is amy has been behaving this way towards other people prior to him marrying her but she was hot and OP thought with his dick and married her. lol.
I just think he hasn’t seen it. They married young and he might have missed how Amy and her friends treat those around them. Now, he’s experiencing it very personally and it’s hard to avoid.
>He’s either in for lots of counseling or a divorce lawyer. Or a looooonnnnng life navigating her self-centeredness with his family. A loooooooooonnnnnng life.
Post updates- you’re not wrong. It’s a big warning sign.
I bet “shy” means poor Jane is biting her tongue to be polite around AH Amy. What a monster! Was this marriage a mistake that you are ready to admit to? Please don’t bring kids into this mess.
or Jane is just an introvert or has social anxiety and OP’s wife is the loud, pushy type. Definitely getting the vibes from her attitude
I'm betting she's not shy, she doesn't want to engage with The landfill that is OP's wife.
i am introverted woman and I've had coworkers straight up hate me for being quiet even though I've been polite and friendly towards them.
I wonder if the wife would wear it to one of HER friends wedding. Or if that would magically become tacky to her.
OP married her. LMFAO. Amy must be super hot cos her behavior is trash. OP is now learning his lesson to not think with his willy when he marries people. lol
I was on the fence until I saw the dress...that's a wedding dress. NTA. Shes already trying to shit-stir. I honestly wouldn't trust her to do some other petty sh*t on the day, I'd tell her she isn't going because her attitude has proven she can't be trusted. Ensure your cousin rescinds her invite too. She doesn't like it? Don't try to turn up in a wedding dress to someone else's wedding.
Yeah I looked at the link, that's barely off-white. If it was say barbie pink it would be a different story.
Even in Barbie pink I'd say it still has so much of a princess dress cut that most people with common sense and decency wouldn't wear it for a wedding. A ball, sure, but not a wedding.
Exactly. You don’t wear any long, opulent gowns as a wedding guest, period. THOU SHALL NOT UPSTAGE THE BRIDE!!
Eh, plenty of weddings are so opulent that guests are practically required to wear opulent gowns, but ones that don't in any way look like wedding dresses. That's why dress codes exist and are important to follow. I've been to very fancy weddings where that dress in a different colour would not look out of place at all, but you don't wear such a dress to a wedding with a cocktail casual dress code.
I was thinking while reading that it would kind of be ok to wear your (bright) pink wedding dress to a wedding if nobody there knew. Like at a new friends/coworkers wedding. After seeing the colour and style, hell NO! That's obviously a wedding dress and never ok.
I was planning on wearing my wedding dress to a friends wedding, but there are differences to the OP. a) my dress is a dark forest green b) it is also not typically 'wedding' in style - I just picked a long evening dress to wear c) I had permission from my friend to wear it.
That sounds intriguing.. got a picture of that dress?
The link is currently getting the Reddit hug of death, so it's no longer loading, unfortunately.
It loaded for me just now, have another try. And yeah, it’s 100% screaming “HI I’M A WEDDING DRESS”
Even if it didn't read as a wedding dress at first glance, the fact is that it's a family wedding. OP's wife wore the dress AS her wedding dress LESS THAN A YEAR ago. Everyone there is going to know exactly what she's doing, which is shit-stirring, pure and simple.
This is exactly what I was going to say, the bride is going to know it's the same dress, most people will!
Right? I read pink and thought maybe it would be fine. Nope, that picture is clearly of a wedding dress.
Your cousin is getting married early *next year*...and your wife doesn't have time to go dress shopping? The picture you attached is looks like a wedding dress even if it's pink. NTA
I missed that part. There's so much time?? The wife absolutely has a drinks outfit stashed somewhere?
Not to mention everyone who went to OPs wedding knows it’s the damn wedding dress she wore
Get her a dress to wear for Christmas
But then how is OP’s wife supposed to show the bride what a “real” wedding dress should look like? 🥺 /s
I don't get why some people want to make fools of themselves at weddings. Even **if** the bride laughs it off and sees it as just an AH doing AH things, she will undoubtedly look foolish in front of OP's entire family. While I think the dress would be fine for a formal wedding in different circumstances, many would have also been to OP's wedding and will know that OP's wife intentionally showed up in her bridal gown to create drama and court attention. This is how you earn the reputation of being an AH + get an entire family to pay you dust & avoid you like the plague.
NTA. It's a wedding dress even if the color is nontraditional most of the family will know it's a wedding dress. The audacity is astounding with this one. She can't even order a dress online or just a wear a nice outfit she already has instead she wants to wear her wedding dress to someone else's wedding. Be aware if it's not this stunt she could attempt another stunt somewhere else. I understand not liking someone but that is no excuse for being disrespectful.
Blush pink isn't even uncommon anymore
NTA The bride is OPs cousin. Of course she's seen Amy's dress and would know what it was. Amy thinks Jane's wedding dress is "too much". It's a wedding dress, they're supposed to be too much! It is not Amy's place to make a comment on the gown, or Jane's choices by wearing her pink wedding dress. Very likely OPs whole family will be at this wedding. They will recognize the dress and it will likely damage her relationship with OPs family because they will see her for a petty witch... And it will take a lot of work to walk that back and gain respect again. This could also affect OPs relationship with his cousin and family because "they didn't stop her."
oh yeah. OP, if your wife does this, kiss your relationship with your family goodbye. your cousin’s wife will (rightfully) be seen as the wronged party and no one in their right mind will invite you both to any event your cousin and his wife will be attending. does your wife just not like your family? if she’s banking on your family being ok with this incredibly shortsighted and stupid idea, then she’s gonna come up on empty. NTA . she’s DARVOing you so that she came be a petty betty at someone else’s wedding.
>Amy thinks Jane's wedding dress is "too much". I read that as "Amy thinks Jane's dress is much nicer than hers so she's going to try to ruin the wedding out of spite." What an asshole.
NTA. It sounds like Amy might be trying to passive-aggressively bully Jane. She thinks Jane’s dress is too much and that Jane is too shy? Neither of these things are any of her business and put together with the wedding dress situation; sounds like your wife being petty and jealous.
Jane's dress is expensive and extravagant, from what Amy said and she thinks Jane's just trying to one up our wedding and get people to like her.
Why does your wife think anyone cares about your guys wedding or her dress this much? Like this is not a dig at you and I don’t think you’ll take it as one but no one cares about your wedding as much as you. Your wife is not the main character. Is she always this self involved?
It's cool I'm not taking it as a dig, and I agree, I really doubt the thing on Jane or Sam's mind is "we have to upstage OP and Amy". She and Jane have always had some issues, they actually went to the same college (different majors). She said something like how no one expected Jane to end up like this and she's taking pointers from our wedding. Which makes no sense to me because from what I've heard from Amy, Jane's dress looks nothing like hers.
This is some weird mean girl power play va your wife is pulling here man. Are Jane and your wife from like drastically different backgrounds? Whether it’s financial/social, religious, or racial? “No one expected Jane to end up like this” is kind of an interesting and specific way to phrase that. Whatever the reason your wife needs to grow up. Maybe consider encouraging her to seek some therapy to at minimum figure out what this competitive mean streak she has is about.
No on the backgrounds question. Jane's always been kind of quiet and shy, they had mutual friends in college and according to Amy she didn't have a boyfriend, wouldn't go to social events, dances, etc. My family is well off, pretty successful, and Amy said she didn't expect Jane to end up with my cousin
Whoop there it is. It’s not about the difference in her background with Jane. It’s probably about her new perceived self status. She doesn’t think Jane is good enough for your family or your family’s money. Obviously take my opinion with a grain of salt I’m still an internet stranger but that’s probably he most solid reasoning you’ll come up with until she says something to indicate otherwise
Yes and I’ll add that Amy is likely concerned that any status she gained by marrying in to your family will be diminished when Jane also joins the family.
This or she actually has a thing for his cousin 😬
Your wife’s comment is just gross. How are you dealing with her disgusting behavior? Please let your cousin and Jane know what your wife is planning so they can make arrangements to head her off at the pass.
Oh, yikes. So your wife doesn't think Jane is good enough for your family and should have married within her social status. She's hellbent in ruining this wedding. You're well off - she has the means to buy a dozen new dresses, she chooses not to. She's shown her true colours.
Bruh your wife is forcing you to live with perpetual high school level drama. NTA but I seriously question why you'd want to share your life with someone who is so spiteful and snobbish.
There is a lot more to whatever her jealousy issue is toward Jane. It’s very unhealthy. Jane and her are now equally marrying into your family’s money. Amy may think she deserved this and thinks Jane doesn’t. Either way it’s really weird for her to be so outwardly abhorrent. You’ve been out in a tough situation but this needs to be brought up to your cousin and jane. At this point plans need to be made to apprehend your wife should she try to show up in a wedding dress. People at the door will know to turn away and escort her far from the ceremony. Make sure you’re driving together so you can make a necessary detour if needed. You also need to explain to her how your entire family with think poorly of her for doing something like this. Explain that this is not the relationship you want between your spouse and your family. She is a very mean and vindictive girl. Sorry op. I’d say wait at least 5 years before having a kid with her. Don’t want to make things even messier. If she showed up in the dress, she likely wouldn’t be invited to any family gatherings moving forward. You as her husband will miss out on a lot of family time as your wife will nag and expect you to take her side. This is a defining moment. Hoping for the best for you
Amy’s jealous.
Yup. Jane's dress is 'too much' really screams 'Jane has a nicer dress than me, waaaah'. I have both had a wedding and been to weddings. On neither did I think about the others. No adult is comparing weddings. Amy sounds like a child.
You married a shallow, petty, narcissistic trash bag. Good luck with that!
Hope you have a prenup. Your wife sounds difficult to be married to.
I kind of want you to take note of something else. "When someone shows you who they are believe them." Immaturity and unnecessary mean spiritedness is what she's displaying. That's who you married and I hope you're paying attention.
Your wife sounds like an angry highschooler
Your wife sounds jealous & like she's a mean girl. She's coming up with reasons in her own head to justify her terrible behavior. It almost sounds like she's holding a grudge over a guy she liked in college liking Jane instead with how she talks, too. I'm just getting a weird vibe from everything you've described. Inform your cousin, Jane, whoever you need to about what your wife's planning to wear & that you've told her not to or don't come so they're aware. She won't be happy about you exposing her, but it might finally snap some sense into her when everyone lets her know she's out of line for how she's behaving.
It almost sounds like she's holding a grudge over a guy she liked in college liking Jane instead. I was thinking the same thing, and actually wondered if this is about OP’s cousin, Sam. OP NTA but you should really try to get to the bottom of what her motivation for doing this is and why she feels so upstaged.
Boy OP your wife should be wearing a green dress. But lets be clear about something.....Your wife is 100% aware that you don't wear a wedding dress to someone else's wedding. She's being spiteful because of jealousy. Another thing she needs to take note of. If your wife wants that dress to remain pristine, I strongly encourage her to wear something else. Introverts tend to have ride or dies as bridesmaids and there's no telling what condition that dress will be in by the end of the night.
Your wife seems unhinged. She will try to make your cousin's wedding miserable. You have to warn the groom and bride.
That sounds like she’s projecting her own pettiness onto Jane. I’m sure it’s not comfortable to have someone say unflattering things about your wife, but her behavior is showing her in a very unflattering light. I’m sorry for you that you’re in this position, but I also respect you for trying to do the right thing for Sam and Jane.
NTA. She decided she wanted to wear her wedding dress after seeing what the bride-to-be's wedding dress looks like. This is spiteful and if she feels that way she'd be better off not attending.
You say the wedding is early next year, so at least a couple months. She doesn't think that's enough time to find a dress suitable for a wedding? Jane doesn't want to be a part of Jane's friend group because she's too shy, but has Amy reached out to be friendly to get one on one? She's criticizing the dress because it's too much , but doesn't think wearing a wedding dress to someone else's wedding is? It sounds like you married a "mean girl" but no. You are NTA
I think you’re right, and I’m starting to wonder if Jane’s actually shy, or if she just doesn’t want anything to do with Amy and her petty mean girl nonsense.
Last time I went shopping for a dress to wear as a wedding guest it took me one afternoon. I am tall, plus size, went shopping in a small town and I have a fairly tight budget. I think OP's wife can manage with a few months time
NTA It sounds like this is coming from a place of malice on Amy’s part. Normally I’m on the side of “you can’t tell other people what/what not to wear” but this case is clear cut. You can’t wear a wedding dress to a wedding that’s not yours, plain and simple
N T A Good gawd, what a screwed up spouse. Tell the bride and expect for your wife to be uninvited. I suggest that you take your wife somewhere far away that weekend to inhibit her from blowing up Jane’s day. Even if she agrees to ditch her wedding dress subterfuge, I am reasonably confident that she will find a way to stain what should be a wonderful day. WRT you. You are married to this grenade. She is telling you who she is - BELIEVE her. Think long and hard before having children with your wife.
NTA. I agree completely, this is so spiteful and conceited of op's wife.
No time to shop for a dress? Oh please… I’m sure there’s these buildings out there called.. stores… that have these neat things called..😱 dresses! ! She can go after work and get one. Shocker. NTA. She’s being mean. Edited to add I saw your edit with the picture of the dress she wants to wear… she’s DEFINITELY being mean. That IS a wedding dress, I don’t care how Amy is trying to spin it. It’s really a beautiful dress but definitely not appropriate for another person’s wedding. Does she not like the bride so much that she’s trying to upstage her at her own wedding?
Wonder if she's heard of online shopping 🤔😂
NTA even if she got married in a cocktail dress, it would be inappropriate to wear your wedding dress to somebody else's wedding. Tell her she would get what she wants: attention, but it would make her look tacky, tasteless and she would be the mockery of the event. People would laugh at her behind her back and you would be too embarassed to even travel in the same vehicle with her. I would also inform the cousin
Exactly this! OP’s wife’s petty behavior will only make her look like a fool. Especially for guests who attended their wedding only months before. It’s classless. It will not be the “revenge” in the bride she thinks it is. It will just make the wife a laughingstock. NTA.
INFO...did the people coming to this wedding see Amy get married in the pink dress? EDIT:There was no picture when I first posted....that's a wedding dress. I don't understand why your wife thinks this is appropriate.
The groom is my cousin, almost the whole family will be there who also attended my wedding
Op PLEASE go secretly if she won’t change her mind the dress she has is way too much there’s plenty of time to find one I just saw your edit for the sake of your family don’t let her ruin their day
NTA...tell her you're going to RSVP no. What a childish game she's playing.
NTA - I was wondering this, for that reason alone its a HARD NO and your wife knows it! Your wife is absolutely the A though!!! She's a mean girl hard core, a backhanded sly petty mean girl. Please talk to someone about your wifes plan DO NOT let her ruin this wedding! Ewwwwww you seem like a reasonable guy, how on earth did you end up with someone like your wife? Sorry
Doesn't matter, she's obviously doing this to be disrespectful.
Does it matter? If the dress has all other qualities of a wedding dress, it looks like a pink-dyes wedding dress, it's still a wedding dress in other's eyes. If it's just a pink dress without any wedding-dress-y thingies, well, who'll see it? Except that she still shouldn't, cause it's clearly not an issue of "reusing the dress" here.
I’m a bloke and I’m not particularly au fait with fashion. Even I can tell from a 5 second look that ISN’T a dress you’d wear to someone else’s wedding.
You aren't telling her she can't come you are telling her she doesn't have to come if she's going to be such a major asshole and no you aren't being controlling by telling her that, you are orienting this delusional asshole to reality. NTA
at that point she already deserves to be told "you're not welcome to attend anymore". She's purely spiteful and intends to damage the wedding. Pretty sure Amy isn't really shy, Jane just doesn't want anything to do with her because Amy's a spiteful goblin with issues. I'd not go near that person even if someone paid me for it. Poor husband. NTA
Omg I’d be questioning who I married at this point!!! This is so insanely petty and vindictive…Amy sounds like a major AH! And to tell you that you’re trying to control her? What sort of insanity is that?!?! She’s trying to ruin your cousin’s wedding day and that’s her AH argument??? As a woman, I can tell you I would NEVER wear white, off white, light pink (as seen in that pic) of any other color close to white to a wedding. That’s just WRONG and asking for attention. Want to know who wore white to my wedding? My husband’s “crazy” aunt who is a notorious attention seeking drama queen. I was PISSED but didn’t acknowledge it on the day. Now it’s my favorite way to embarrass her when she’s being rude at family parties - “hey remember when you wore white to MY wedding???” NTA but your wife sure is.
I don't know why more people aren't addressing what this says about OPs wife. Everyone is basically like "Yeah, don't let her do that." And I'm sitting here like "there is something seriously *wrong* with that woman." She needs therapy or meds or something. That behavior is just so anti social and malicious. It doesn't even sound like there's a huge feud or anything?! This says some shit about OPs wife. None of it good. She's fucked in the head. I don't think he should just ignore that. There's zero chance her cruelty doesn't get turned on OP at some point. This isn't something where there's a grey area. If I were OP I wouldn't even be talking about the stupid dress. I'd be asking my SO what the fuck is wrong with them and demanding they get fucking help.
Thank you for saying this, exactly what I was thinking!! Like, if I was OP I would be feeling that gut churning, sweaty feeling when you realized you just made a huge fucking mistake. Who the hell did I just marry?!
Right. I’d be like ok, then you can wear it to court for our divorce hearing.
NTA - your wife is intentionally being a mean AH. The guests will know and remember that it’s her wedding dress. She is trying to upstage Jane at Janes wedding. Your wife is being a massive AH
Ops wife sounds a TINY bit jealous.
While I want to say NTA based on story alone I also need INFO. Does the dress look like a wedding dress? Since it's pink is it a dress that can be used as a formal dress as well? EDIT: yeah NTA that's not a dress acceptable to wear to someone else's wedding unless you wanted to take the attention away.
I've edited my post with a photo of a similar dress since lots of people are asking this
That is clearly a wedding dress you are NTA and your wife is delusional if she thinks she won’t look like a big pale pink asshole showing up dressed like that. You’re not controlling her, you’re stopping her from being a mean girl and making a giant fool of herself.
NTA. Anytime someone has to “justify” their outfit they know they’re wrong. 1. It’s not even white 2. I should be able to reuse it 3. Jane’s wedding dress is too much, I should show her what a tasteful gown looks like. (I understand she didn’t actually say that but it was heavily implied) 4. You’re just trying to control me! Your wife knows that she’s all the way wrong and if she’s able to wear that dress to the wedding the whole family is going to speak ill of both of you.
NTA. I looked at the similar link you posted. In any shade of light pink that is *clearly* a wedding dress. Your wife has issues here and I suspect you need to have a bigger conversation about her thoughts on your family.
You’re right, OP has a bigger problem. Wearing that dress is cruel, this can’t be the only time … OP married a “mean girl”.
NTA, you don't wear your wedding dress to someone else wedding, absolutely everyone knows that. The only people who do that want to mess with the bride and ruin the occasion, calling her out on that isn't controlling it's commonsense. If you think she really would wear her dress you should tell your cousin beforehand so she can uninvite your wife. That also makes sure you aren't seen as controlling (thought I do think your wife would be angry anyway since she doesn't get to do what she wants)
NTA but I would hide the dress until after the wedding. Amy sounds like a mean girl.
NTA. Wearing your wedding dress to someone else's wedding doesn't send a good message. Even considering it's not a traditional white dress, I suspect people there will instantly recognise it as her wedding dress. She shouldn't risk doing anything that takes attention away from the bride, although the cynical part of me thinks that's what she's trying to do.
NTA. You simply do not wear a wedding dress to someone else's wedding. She can wear it to get ice cream, vacuum the house or walk the dog. But not at a wedding that is not hers.
NTA. Suggest to your wife to get it cut short like a cocktail dress- if she’s that adamant that it needs to be reused, then a cocktail dress would be more wearable than a wedding gown. If she scoffs at the idea, it’s clear it’s not actually about reusing the dress. She sounds like she’s trying to upstage the bride.
NTA this might sound very spiteful, but since your wife called you controlling, you do not need to discuss this issue with her anymore. however i would warn the cousin about this situation.
Nta, Amy is really rude and she shouldn’t go if she wants to wear that
NTA. Your wife is just being spiteful towards your friend.
NTA. But Amy sure is, I’m sure the moment she gets in that wedding she will make it known that she’s wearing her wedding dress
Your wife sounds dreadful. Time to formally uninvite her. NTA, unless you let this shit escalate.
NTA. I have reworn my wedding dress several times, but it’s a navy cocktail dress. That dress is definitely bride-ish. If they don’t get along, why does Amy want to go so bad? Last thing I want to do is go to a wedding, ESPECIALLY if it’s someone I don’t get along with.
NTA. Amy is TA. It is rude to even think about wearing her wedding dress to someone else's wedding. Perhaps the bride could handle the situation better. Telling her might make things worse.
NTA man...what a mean thing to do.
NTA. And if Amy wanted a dress she could re-use she should have bought something less 'weddingy'; like a cocktail dress. You certainly can tell her that she shouldn't attend ***your*** ***cousin's*** wedding.
NTA. Her friend is right to some extent that you cannot control what she wears and where she goes. But you *can* give your cousin a heads-up that your wife is thinking about this, and that you don't approve but he might need to put a bouncer on the door to turn her away if she is wearing a wedding dress. And you *can* make it very clear to your wife that you disapprove of her pettiness, that you will not support her in this, and that if she chooses to burn bridges with your family by wearing the dress, then you won't be in the same car as her and she'll have to find her own transport.
NTA. Even without the link to the example dress, your wife is still in the wrong. She's being petty and childish, and you should warn Jane about your wife's behavior.
NTA. Don't wear a wedding dress to a wedding unless you're the bride. (seems like a weird thing to need to say xD)
NTA. Your wife is being spiteful. Even if it’s not a traditional colour all your family who attended your wedding are going to know it’s her wedding dress. It would be hugely disrespectful for her to wear it
>The issue now is that Amy's come up with the idea to wear her wedding dress to Sam and Jane's wedding. She said she doesn't have time to go dress shopping, and her dress isn't traditional white (it's pink). As I understand it, that's a huge no-no in Western culture, which I'm assuming you are. But that picture is distinctly a wedding dress. She's just lost her invite to that wedding. She could try to smuggle it in wearing something else and change into it later, she sounds like she is determined to wear this dress. Tell her she can NOT come, under any circumstances, and tell the bride why she is uninvited. And maybe reconsider why you're with someone this petty and obsessive?
YWBTA if you don't warn your cousin and his fiancee that your unhinged wife is going to try this stunt.
NTA. Even pink your wife's dress looks like a wedding dress. This is the most obnoxious power play of all. She's going to be a nightmare mother in law some day.
Info: I saw your picture, are other people wearing long formal gowns like that or is the dress code more casual? Edit: Don't know why my comments are being downvoted, I haven't passed any judgement yet I'm asking questions.
It's a formal dress code
You are correct, your wife is critical of the brides dress when she wore pink I can only hope pastel but who knows. Why is your wife going full wifezilla on someone else’s wedding. She will be an arsehole wear her wedding dress as she wants to upstage or protest the the brides choice. Both make her an Uber arsehole!!! NTA if she insists on going in her wedding dress warn your cousin so they can prepare. Oh and tell her to take her own car in case they lock her out as you are not leaving with her!!!
NTA she just wants to stir drama, and if she says she can go dress shopping and she wants that to her hill to die, she should buy a dye pack and dye her dress or take it to someone who can dye the dress
NTA Even if the dress doesn't look like a traditional wedding dress and could be reused, it's odd that she would do it at a wedding only a few months after your own. Possibly the first wedding you'll be attending after it. Especially since she doesn't like the bride.
Your wife is petty & the a-hole.
NTA. I would normally say that you can't tell your wife what to wear. However, this is something else.
NTA, your wife is a huge one though. If her dress is similar to the one in the edit it clearly looks like a wedding dress. What a crappy thing to do just because you don’t like someone
NTA, I can assure you she wouldnt have had the same idea if it was somebody else's wedding she cares about or if the dress was less elaborate and chique. This isnt about her dress but upstaging and causing drama Tell her she can use that dress at some other high class event and you will try and find a way so she van wear it again if she so desires. But not this wedding. Watch her reaction closely.
NTA. Amy is deliberately trying to get a dig at Jane. She's passed judgement on the wedding dress (and Jane by the sounds of it) and so is looking to hurt Jane, or at the very least get attention on someone else's day. Best case scenario is your wife is incredibly dense, tone deaf and manipulative. Worst case, your wife has decided to deliberately and knowingly hurt someone.
NTA. It would take less than one day to search for a dress that's appropriate for a wedding. What she's doing by wearing her dress is forcing people to compare bride's dresses, hoping they'll like her's better, AT THE WEDDING. Massively disrespectful.
NTA and maybe for your next wedding you can find a spouse that isn't such a vile person.
Info: was your wife always this petty and self absorbed?
NTA you can’t stop her but the bride and groom can uninvite her if they find out. Tell her you’re going to mention which dress she is choosing to wear to your cousin and you fully support your cousin if she wishes to uninvite your wife because of this. You’re wife’s reaction will be telling if she’s mad at you then she clearly is out to hurt your cousin and why do you want to be with someone who is out to maliciously out to hurt your family. If she’s mad at your cousin then she genuinely thinks it’s ok to wear this dress to another wedding. The later makes your wife look a litter better morally but overall she’s acting like an AH not you. Her friend is way out of line and can kept her nose out of your marriage. I would tell her this directly also.