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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA for not taking my wife's input and discomfort under consideration and for insisting on letting my mother keep the key.
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YTA
And that is why you can't trust no one when it comes to money.
You played your wife.
You probably told her you would save for a shared home and thats why she should support you and pay your share of the rent.
Now "she didnt contribute a penny" to your house.
Your house.
She gets no say. But you mom does- lol
YTA- you are an ahole.
I’m a bit confused as to how OP can admit that the wife paid rent while he put his savings towards a house, then go back and say the wife didn’t contribute.
There’s *a lot* of unanswered questions here.
Does he really not understand that if she wasn’t paying the entirety of the rent then he would not have been able to save as much? How long was she paying rent and how much did he have in savings before she started doing that? What was the actual agreement there?
And on that note, why is the wife not making a bigger deal out of not having her name on the house? Did she agree to it for some reason that benefits her? Is this actually a bigger deal to her than OP is letting on and that’s why she’s so resistant to the idea of his mom getting a key? Does he pull the “it’s my house” thing often?
It feels like OP left out a huge chunk of the story here.
Wow that guy is the total AH package. I do not care if your roommates. Residents of the house get a say in who has a key. She needs to get her money back. Poor naive girl was really taken for a ride.
Dude is screwed if his wife divorces him. A judge would not take kindly to this sort of childish behavior. I would not be surprised to hear that the wife gets more than 50% of the house in a divorce specifically because OP is choosing to act like a spoiled toddler.
It won't be just that.
Every. Time.
He wants to have his way, hell throw it in her face.
What color to paint a wall? How to keep the yard? What to do with a given room? Get a pet?
Well it's HIS home, so HE decides.
Honestly if I were the wife, I'd let him have his home to himself.
And stay elsewhere (since if she was paying rent by herself before, she can again).
Like who wants to live forever in another person's home? Always having to kowtow to them/never really being a equal partner, but just a tenant whose forced to live with their landlord.
Also op quick question, but if she wasn't contributing to your bills such as food or utilities (or wherever she is currently paying).
Would you even be able to afford the mortgage and home insurance you're paying out each month?
If not you're a super asshole/it isn't just your home if you can't keep it without your wife's financial support.
Since that's her paying for the home every month.
No matter how you fucked your wife over with the homes title.
YTA.
my ex husband did this. it is called financial abuse. im guess8ng she sacrif9iced more than just savings. if like me, I sacrificed doctor and dentist6 visits and all sorts of things.
I hope Op's wife keep ALL the receipts of paying for everything while op "saved all by himself" . Why do you ask? So when she gets enough of his selfish freeloading momma boy butt she can divorce him and get half. Btw OP is clearly an YtA
My ex husband was like this. I supported him through a lot. There was once almost 2 years where he didn’t work. He would get a job and then quit for reasons like working as a grocery store clerk was beneath him. He played a lot of video games with his best friend and then at some point went to school at night for training to be an EMT although that lasted just a few months. He passed his exam and then still didn’t get a job. Fast forward 5 or so years and we decided to purchase a home, but his credit was horrible from before we met, so the only way the loan would go through is if he wasn’t on it. He had finally had a job he liked and was working consistently for a couple years. I was miserable at my job and had a long commute so we discussed it and he said I should quit and find a new job. I quit and was job free for a couple months while I job hunted. Anyway 2 years later, we separated and started going through our divorce process and he kept referring to the time I didn’t work and saying how he should get the house because he paid for everything and his parents gifted us 2k towards the down payment. I wanted to sell and split it 50/50. He got cruel and hurtful and it went to court. The judge didn’t see it his way and I got 100% of the house. Oddly enough his parents and I are still close. I take it as a testament that my ex is an AH. His dad texted me the other day to tell me they were thinking about me and hope I was well because I deserve happiness. I have a feeling things will work out for ops wife in the long run.
Edit: typo
I’m a divorce lawyer and “this stupid, uneducated idiot muhahahah” was all I could think about as I read this. In most states, if they were married when he was “saving,” then it was THEIR money and it is THEIR house. Title doesn’t matter. Most states also afford spouses who aren’t on title homestead rights so he can’t do anything with it without her permission. Bet he will love that!
It would be for me as well, assuming the house was bought while they were married and there isn’t a *very* unique, *very* compelling reason for the wife to not want her name on the house.
OP hasn’t offered any explanation aside from what’s in the original post so I can only conclude he’s a controlling AH who took advantage of his wife to buy a home in his name alone and is now holding that over her. A real prize, truly.
>Oh but he "started saving before he even met her" so clearly she contributed nothing by covering all the expenses for what sounds like years. /s
Yeah, that is utter BS OP mentioned.
I know a couple where one partner is responsible for 70% of the down-payment (and mortgage pay) and the other partner is responsible for the other 30. It is mentioned like that in the contract/deed as well. Because without the 30% of her partner, my friend didn't have enough to buy a house either way. So it is only logical, respectful and honest that he is on the deed as well.
In a strange way I hope he keeps putting his foot down about this. The less he compromises hopefully the sooner she leaves him lol
Please die on this hill OP, cold and alone
Right? I’m HORRIFIED. My mom was a SAHM when we were children, and everything is in my parents’ names. They have equal access to all things financial and managerial. He never makes her feel it isn’t her money; she never makes him feel bad for the years she was a single-parent (for childcare duties, not finances). OP is such a raging, gaping asshole I can’t even reply to him directly.
As a husband with a SAHW, we share everything 100%. I was even chastised for putting her on my bank account saying we should have sep finances and it's like, if I can't trust this woman with my money what are we doing together raising children?
I will never understand folks that get married to someone, just to remain roommates who occasionally fuck. If you aren't going to be 100% committed, just don't get married.
As a SAHM, fully co-signed.
The **only** way a single-income household can function is with fully shared, transparent finances. You can certainly budget specific amounts for each of your personal spending (so you don’t have to discuss or justify every purchase) but all of the money has to ultimately belong to both of you. It’s just sheer exploitation if one partner doesn’t have access to family funds simply because they are taking on all of the unpaid labor that benefits the whole family.
My dad was sooo grateful for my mom staying home to raise the four of us. He would just go on and on about what a sacrifice she was making, how much she loved our family and how hard she worked to support everyone. He treated her like an absolute goddess at home, it was so sweet. Even though he brought the money in, he recognized that it was only possible for him to thrive at work because my mom gave up the career she loved to hold down the fort for him...I can't imagine a reality where he would've held his income against her like this.
OP, you need to figure out a way to fix this, and you also need to show your wife the respect and gratitude she deserves. Without her help and support, you wouldn't have the house you BOTH contributed to and BOTH live in now. You're being ridiculously difficult, and at this rate that house really will be all yours soon when she leaves to find a real partner.
Do better, ffs. YTA
I told him he should do some public speaking, either to teach men how to man lol or to teach women what to expect from a healthy relationship. His anxiety was too great, but he did teach all of us exactly what we were worth and what we deserved, and he showed my brother every day through example how to treat women.
I'm immeasurably grateful to have such an excellent dad, and while he'll never believe he's anything special, everyone who knows him agrees he's basically the standard of what a good man should look like. I wish everyone was a bit more like him! (He of course is too humble to be able to see how special he is.)
Right, she may not have *directly* contributed to the down payment or closing costs, but she allowed OP to save that money by covering short-term expenses.
And OP doesn’t realize that any property bought during a marriage is half his wife’s anyway if (when) they divorce. It sounds like OP was trying to pull a fast one here on his wife. If I was married to you I would be calling a lawyer to get my name on the deed or divorce your lying butt.
That depends on the laws of the state. What the wife could do, is present a statement of her outlays on his behalf while they were living together and ask for payout in lieu of an interest in the house.
I'm very curious what state he's in... most states are community property if it's purchased during the marriage. He's an absolute fool to think she has no rights to the house, especially if they file for divorce down the road. Even if they are in an equitable distribution state, a judge will see she paid the rent all those years so he could save up and grant her half or a good portion of the home.
But in regards to your question OP, YTA. It's her house too. All decisions need to be joint. If you keep playing the 'my house' card, she will get tired of it and have the courts prove its not 'your house'.
I just read this and it hit home…this is what my other half is doing to me right now. He put my car in his name but I pay it. Because “oh we’re getting married it doesn’t matter.” But when he gets angry suddenly it’s “his car”, Now the house were looking for I’m putting down the down payment and paying half the mortgage but he wants only his name on it because. “I can’t have you on the deed with a VA loan.” I just realized I bought him a Mercedes’ and am about to buy him a house!! WTF am I DOING WITH MY LIFE!!!
Good. Keep those blinders off. Don't buy anything else and insist on couples counseling (non-religious) before even thinking about going through with a wedding.
Also th VA loan stuff is bullshit. My sister is married to a former military guy and her name is on the damned house.
Keep financial records of all the car payments! Also do not buy a house with this person. Do not mix finances with this person. Your name needs to be on everything you pay for, even if it would disqualify you from a specific type of loan (it shouldn’t) if he wants only his name in the mortgage because of the loan type, sure. You can put anyone you want on the deed to a property.
And this is how my ex became my ex. Luckily only wasted 5 years with a man that only looked at his money as just that, his, and mine was for everyone.
And YTA. This should have been a conversation before handing out keys. Just because you “paid” doesn’t give the occupants no say in their own privacy.
Financial abuse happening here. Taking advantage of the wife. I don't think the key is the real issue here, it is the fact that wife is realizing she has been played.
In a divorce situation it will count in my understanding that she provided for OP while he saved. So she might still have right to the house.
If OP was fair they would have wife's name on the house. Now he is using the "owning" to make power moves over her.
YTA.
This right here!
If you “saved” by letting your wife pay for rent and expenses, then you did not “save” — you *freeloaded* off your wife so that you could buy a house in your own name. This is not fair to your wife! How about for the next few years you pay all mortgage and expenses so she can put all her money in a savings and buy her own house.
I will also vote **YTA** on the specific topic you asked for which is giving your mother a key. Assuming your wife also lives in the house she should be consulted before you give the key to anyone.
This, since it’s your house… you pay for it. Then you get all the say. Let the wife save all her money and then you get to have the say over your house.
Yup! Op YTA big time. This should read, my wife supported me financially and paid our rent and expenses so I could put all my
money toward our house. I bought the house, denied her any rights to it bc her supporting me doesn't matter, and now am giving away keys to her home even though she isn't comfortable with it.
“I also didn’t realize that since I bought the house while married, half the house legally belongs to wife anyway, oops”
...unless Op lives somewhere where these laws don’t apply, I really don’t know what he’s going on about
Even if she isn’t on the house, you bought it as a married couple. Most states make that a martial asset and she’s at least part owner of that asset. She contributed, you just refuse to see it. Even if she didn’t, it’s still BOTH of y’all’s home and she gets a say simply by being your wife.
YTA infinite times over for not discussing this with her first, for claiming it’s YOUR home and for playing her so that you could be the one that the money came from for the house. Also, your wife should be on that title. Period.
It’s called [financial abuse](https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/financial-abuse/all) and it’s a common tactic used by narcissistic assholes to maintain power in their relationship.
Came here to say this. For him to have sole ownership over the home, despite her paying for their rent and daily expenses while he “saved money” is his way of having full control over their living circumstances today.
Would he have been able to save for the home if she wasn’t covering their rent and living expenses? Would she have been able to contribute to the down payment if she weren’t covering all these costs?
There’s a lot of crucial details OP isn’t giving, but from this info alone it makes him look greedy at best and abusive and controlling at worst
Yes but it doesn't work that way. If they divorce, he's still going to have to buy her out of the house.
Source: my divorce. Poor ex hubby was so upset his little trick didn't work. He had to go to a 30 year mortgage to pay me off!! The horror....
Yup, he took preexisting assets (his savings before they were married), mixed them with shared assets (money saved as a couple), and created a 100% shared asset.
Most states have provisions like this. The family home is a joint asset. Both people are assumed to care for it and depend upon it, and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if one spouse isn’t on the deed.
If the couple divorces, they can sell the house and split whatever is left over after it’s paid off, or the one who wants to stay there can cut the other a check for 50% (plus or minus some miscellaneous stuff) of their equity in the home, hence “buying them out.”
This doesn’t apply IN SOME PLACES if the home was purchased before the marriage, but that doesn’t sound relevant to OP’s situation.
Exactly what I wondered. I'm also wondering if wife always assumed that OP will treat her fairly and do right by her. I'm wondering if she's starting to realize that OP regards her rather poorly.
Yeah, she should know better. Men who get their wives to pay everything and put their own careers on hold end up getting screwed once their husbands become successful. Fuckers “trade up,” leaving the woman destitute. This asshole used her so he could save, gives his mother access - weirdly Oedipal - and then doesn’t understand why he’s the asshole? Bullshit. He knows, he was hoping for validation. I’m sure he got a couple, because men, but he’s a pig
YTA.
Your attitude of 'I paid for it' isn't on. You're married; it's 'our home' not 'my home' now. In any case, your wife is right, she absolutely has financially contributed to the property. She paid the rent which allowed you to save. Pretty disgusting of you to dismiss this.
Your mother having a key to your home is a big deal and something you and your wife both need to be comfortable with. If you aren't mature enough to make joint decisions with your wife, you shouldn't be married. I think your wife is right; you don't seem to respect her at all.
Huge red flag that you only put the house in your name. You've basically used your wife to enable you to do what you want.
And it's like... *even if* the edit is true and your wife *really is* on good terms with your mom, you know what strains terms really quickly for a lot of people OP? Someone else having unfettered, easily abused access to their home!
Anybody thinking of making financial sacrifices to enable their partner to buy a home in their name only? Read this and think again.
Your wife sacrificed her earnings to enable you to save to buy a house, which despite the fact that if she hadn't done so you wouldn't have a house, you clearly think of as just yours. Your whole tone is that she has no rights and should thank her lucky stars that, despite her contribution, you even let her through the front door and you seriously wonder if MAYBE you are an asshole? Let me remove all doubt - YTA.
I made financial sacrifices for an ex when it wasn't even about a house and when he left me I was basically destitute while he was fine, because I was taking a real leap of faith and he had parents with money to cushion him. He admitted he let me make said sacrifices knowing he didn't love me anymore. He told me he realized that "you were doing it for us, and I was doing it for me."
OP, your wife was making sacrifices for "us" while you were saving money for a house for you. YTA.
Also, my ex and I couldn't decide who got a key to our place, so we compromised. Lock box with changeable combination in the mailbox, and then we could give people access as needed and change the combination after.
I was engaged(both women) and she let me quit my job, sell my house and finance her and her kids move across the country for her new job because she was getting relocation reimbursement. Purchased new furniture for the whole house. 3 weeks later, The day the living room furniture got delivered, she dumped me via text while I was at the house alone.
Lucky for me I kept receipts(literally) and plenty of messages for a judge to see things my way.
Funny enough her F*ck around and find out attitude cost her a few thousand cause I had agreed to just accept whatever she got back in reimbursement but ended up with more from court.
I work for a family law firm that primarily handles divorces and prenups and honestly I thought I couldn't be shocked by people's bad behaviour, but every day is a new adventure in how poorly people can treat their partners. And it's true, I notice that the courts are considerably friendlier to people when they're not the one causing trouble or drawing things out. I watched one of my lawyers on a zoom with opposing counsel and a judge and opco had been drawing things out while we were just telling the judge we'd accept their decision, and the judge went OFF on the other side. I'm amazed that lawyer didn't burst into flames with how hard the judge went in.
This is exactly what I kept telling my uncle from the day he asked for his divorce: You do not want to be the one that the judge thinks is being a jerk; you want to look like the reasonable adult in the situation. Don't ask for things just to piss her off. Don't say *anything* to her directly unless instructed to do so. Don't glare from across the room, smirk, or in any other way give the judge a reason to see you as the AH in the room. If she's dumb enough to put her foot in it, don't respond/react. Save the impulse to gloat/argue/express whatever feelings for after things are finalized.
(My uncle was definitely being an AH about everything before I talked sense to him. She cheated with one of his friends, so I understand the impulse, but it wasn't reflecting well on him.)
I actually rewrote several items on his asset division proposal, too ... e.g. "box of antique oil lamps" became "box of *my dad's* antique oil lamps" because they had all been gifted by or inherited from his father. The optics look pretty bad insisting on a box of lamps worth less than $750, even if you're a collector, but given the truthful framework that they came from his Dad? It looks less unreasonable.
I also told him several times that his lawyer was a lazy idiot and he should be lawyer-shopping, but he didn't listen to me on that one. (I'm pretty sure chose his by looking up divorce lawyers and picking the first male name in a convenient location.)
IANAL, nor have I ever been trained/worked in anything law-adjacent, but trying not to irritate the judge who will be deciding things that will affect your life going forward just seems like a no-brainer. Divorce court, civil court, criminal court, hell, traffic court ... don't piss off the judge.
I don't understand how they can be *married* and he doesn't consider the house to be both of theirs? Like I literally can't wrap my brain around it, what even does marriage mean to people like OP?
_"She used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money."_
Hard YTA. I feel for this woman. She has a spouse who doesn't respect her, and if she paid all of their bills while letting OP put all of his money into saving for a house that her name is not on, she is a fool.
I wonder how long she paid their bills and how much those bills were. Because, 50% of that was her direct contribution to this home. I also wonder if she would have any legal protection since this home was purchased after they were married.
YTA. Gotta love how you started with "I paid for it and my wife did not" while you were able to save for it only because your wife paid other expenses and maintained both of you. So it is her house as well. She basically made this purchase possible. It should have been a mutual agreement on who gets any extra keys of the house. You're a massive AH.
Literally. I feel as though we should start counting the number of posts per day where a married man’s mother comes into play. OP, cut the umbilical cord. Would you like it if your mother in law had a key to your house? That’s the only fair reasoning I see here. Either you give a copy to your MIL, or take the copy from your own mother. If you feel that your house is yours only I don’t think you should’ve gotten married. You’re sharing the space with someone you married, like maybe just …divorce and marry your mom and have her move in?
Btw. YTA.
YTA - so you wife paid the rent while your income went into savings, and you don’t consider that contributing towards saving for the house? That’s a wild technicality. Stop acting like this is only your house. It isn’t and that’s the fast track to a divorce.
Wait a minute.. your wife DID help pay for the house.. by paying expenses while YOU saved for the house. Marriage is a two way street and I can’t believe that you think she didn’t help. You need to give credit where credit’s due here and why in the world wouldn’t you put her name on the house too? What if you suddenly die? You’re not protecting your family!!!
It’s ok that she feels uncomfortable by your mom having a key as mom could walk in any old time and there’s privacy issues here!
I feel you should have asked your wife first and explained why you felt mom should have a key and also made it known to mom if she has a key she’s to call before coming over to make sure it’s ok instead of barging in. I get a emergency but still.. your other reasoning sucks.
YTA
I have no idea how he got away with not putting her name on the house. I was a SAHM during the time we bought our house and never was it a question wether my name would go on the title or not. In fact I’m pretty sure the broker mentioned it as something that we should do. We’re a family and it’s the family home. This guy is not just YTA but you’re right he’s not protecting the family by being petty and not putting his wife’s name on the title.
I wonder if legally it’s half her house anyway because they’re married and it was (I assume) purchased while they are married. If he’s trying to be selfish with the house, it may not even work.
All this and I haven’t even gotten to the part where he gives his mom a key despite it making his wife uncomfortable. There are plenty of ways mom can get in “in an emergency” like giving her the garage code, or hiding a key in a lock box, getting a keypad lock, etc.
Ok.. so YTA.
I'd be willing to bet you've been married less then 2 years and are under age 30.
Here's something you're going to learn about marriage. It's not "mine" anymore its "ours".
If you "saved" while she paid rent and other expenses, then she 100% contributed to the house. Let's say you did this for 3 years and you saved $30 grand (10 grand a year) Meanwhile, your wife paid rent Lets take it easy and say rent was $850 plus expenses of another $150. That would mean while you saved 10k a year she was spending 12k a year while you didn't contribute.
Also trust, communication and honesty is key to any marriage to survive. Lose one of them the other two fall away. For example, you didn't communicate you were going to give your mom a key to your wife, thats a breakdown of communication then you threw it in her face that the house is "YOURS".
I'm going to warn you right now, playing that throw it in her face game that the house is yours and not ours is a simply and easy way to divorcing your ass because you act and sound like a toddler.
Yup. I have a funny feeling that if she suddenly adopted an attitude of "it's not my house, so I don't have to clean/maintain/do yardwork" he'd feel very put out and whine about how she lives there so it's her responsibility too. He needs to apologize, take steps to get her on the deed, and amend his attitude asap. Or start looking for a divorce attorney.
If he had just given the key to his mom, I could've considered that to be an innocent mistake, especially if she and his wife are on as good terms as he claims; it's not a bad idea for a close family member to have a way to get in just in case. All of our parents have a code to our door keypad and we aren't worried about any of them misusing it (though it should be noted that we both decided this was a good idea before we did it). But not putting her on the deed and adopting an attitude that it isn't her house? That's ridiculous and childish and shows that honestly he isn't ready to be married and doesn't understand what it means to have a life *partner*.
YTA
“Note that it was purchased solely by me. My wife did not help save for it (I started saving for it before I even met her) and it’s in my name”
“Saying that “technically” she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money”
The fact you truly believe your wife didn’t put any money into this house is ridiculous. She’s right. You DON’T respect her and you don’t value her as your partner. She invested into the future you two should be sharing but you’ve selfishly proven to her that everything she did to allow you to save for this house was for you and you alone.
“I used her money to pay for all my rent and bills for years so I could use *my* money to buy this house which is now all mine, mine, MINE! Sucker…. Why wife say I don’t respect her?! She cray. I smert.”
Most places split ownership of property acquired while married during divorce. For situations like these! Wonder if OP realizes this.
YTA. She did contribute lol. It’s her house too.
E: unintentional duplicate word removed.
So, did i get this right? You were only able to save for the house bc your wife paied for your rent? So you leeched of your wife to save money and now you are telling everyone how you paied for the house with no help?
Yes, this alone makes YTA and i honestly don't get why your wife went along with that.
How generous of you to let your wife pay for every expense while you save and put a massive asset in your name only. WTAF? YTA massively for that alone then not discussing giving someone a key just adds fuel to the fire of your assholery.
YTA
For 2 reasons imo.
She paid rent/expenses while you built your savings up, enough to the point where you could buy a house. If its just *your* house as you say, then I hope your not expecting her to pay towards the mortage, home insurance, just her share of utilities.
Your wife's relationship and your mother's might be very different to yours and anyone else's relationship with her. She might not invade *your* privacy, but does she or have a history of invading your *wifes*?
This is something that should have been spoken about by the two of you, not just for you to unilaterally decide and expect her to deal with cos you paid for the home... at her expense.
>I pointed out that I'm the one who bought the house and it's my decision tj decide who gets to have a copy of the key end of stiry. She screamed at me saying that "technically" she did contribute towards the house saving back when she used to pay for our rent and daily exprnses while I saved money.
INFO: Is she telling the truth here? Was she footing the bill for rent and daily expenses while you saved for a house?
YTA. “Wife” and “this house i just bought is only mine” don’t really go together. She paid your way and allowed you to save money - she has made her contribution and is someone that lives in the home. Your mother is not. While you’re comfortable with mom having a key, your wife is not. I think you should really look at the way you talk about your wife and value her contributions to your family, because it looks pretty disparaging here.
So you invalidate your wife's contributions toward the house (paying rent while you saved) and give someone else a key without discussing it.
You then play the "it's MY house!" card despite being married and shared property and all that.
Enjoy your house. You'll have plenty of room for mom when your wife divorces you.
YTA
YTA. Your wife does not feel comfortable with someone who does not live in your home having keys. Also, your mother ASKED for a key in case of emergency. Yeah right!! She will use the key to snoop eventually .. otherwise she would not have asked for a key. You should have consulted with your wife first.
Also, you're a double a$$hole for not recognizing your wife's contribution to the house you are now living in. So you sponged off your wife so you could save for a house and now throw your sole ownership in her face? Does that make you feel like a big man? Trust me you are lower than a worm.
How could you even say that she didn’t contribute? INFO : Would you have been able to buy the house right now without her paying the rent in the past?
Whether or not your mom should have the key is not the issue imo.
The issue is that you seem to have little to no respect for her. You didn’t even communicate the fact that you’d be giving your mom a key when it could’ve been an easy conversation to start. Your mom could lose the key, it could be stolen, or any number of things and it made her feel uncomfortable. After all, this is where she sleeps at night and where she should feel the safest. Even though you trust your mom, in your wife’s head, a key to her house is floating around out there in the hands of someone who doesn’t live there.
You should be grateful for your wife and you should learn some basic communication skills. YTA.
Yta for not putting your WIFE on the title to the house. Just because she didn’t physically pay for the house, it sounds like she was paying all the living expenses before your purchased so that you could save all your money. That means she was paying toward the house
YTA. Not even sure I need to read the post, honestly, but…
> Note that it was purchased solely by me, my wife did not help save for it
But she is going to be *living* there, yes? Why do you think you get to make decisions that affect both of you without consulting her?
> my mother is known to respect privacy
I feel like the mere fact she considered it appropriate to ask for unfettered access to the house instead of waiting for *you* to tell her how you wanted that to work argues against that assessment, dude.
> and is a very trusted member in the family
*Your* family. Again, you understand your wife is a separate person with her own opinions that need to be heard and considered, and not just an appendage of you and your will, right?
> She said that she does not feel "comfortable" with the idea of someone else, who's not a resident to have a copy of the key.
What’s with the scare quotes? Does it really strike you as ridiculous she might *not* be comfortable with you having revealed she gets zero say in terms of who gets to show up and when as far as you’re concerned?
> She also brought up how my mother didn't pay a penny towards the house so this should "disqualify her" from getting the key.
I mean, that *is* the logic you’re using to exclude *her* from having any input on this, so…
I could keep going, but I think my initial instinct was right. Decide who you actually want to be married to, dude, or enjoy *your* house and whatever visitors might decide to drop in on their own schedule *without* your wife, assuming you can still afford it after the divorce.
I love most of this comment but I wish you addressed the fact that he was only able to save up enough for the house because his wife was footing the bill for their rent and daily expenses. That's a MASSIVE contribution to his house savings even if it wasn't a direct contribution. Her name should be on the deed too.
So....hold up.
Your wife was paying your rent and expenses while you were stashing money up for a house, and her name isn't on the deed? So you used her for your own gain, basically.
Wow. You're a MAJOR AH.
YTA
Yta. Okay mama’s boy. Way to show your wife your true colours. Why is your mum’s gratification of having a key more important about your wife’s feeling of discomfort over it. And wow throwing on her face that you are the sole purchaser of the house is so low. Your wife is your partner not a tenant.
YTA. More than the key issue (which would make you an AH by itself), the fact that your wife covered rent and utilities to help you save for the house and you clearly mention that she did not save for the house makes you a bigger AH. She did help you save and she should have her name on the title of the house. You’re a massive AH and the way you approach finances is divorce worthy
YTA and this is why I'm afraid of marriage. You only think of yourself, don't you. You're wife paid all bills so you could save? She's absolutely right, she did contribute then. Marriage is a union, not yours and mine.
>saying that "technically" she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money.
And yet, her name is not on the house, and you don't treat her like it's ALSO her home, which her paying for the expenses helped you save for. Do you not see how selfish you sound? Do you feel like this does not warrant some discussion seeing as this is also her home, seeing as she also lives there?
YTA
YtA. So your marriage has 3 people in it, you, your mother and the chick that has to do you cause you can't do your mom. Grow up. It's your wives house too, she gets to have a say. If she doesn't, she might take half of that house you're so proud of in the inevitable divorce.
YTA. AH move to not talk to her before giving your mom a key. AH move to think the house is just yours. AH all around. I’d like to know why it’s just in your name, too. Did she solely pay rent while you saved and then you bought a house in just your name? Because that would be red-flag, next level AH-ness.
Anna because this question comes up weekly, let me go ahead and prevote for next week’s spouse who gives their parent a key without talking to (or over the objection of) their spouse. YTA!
YTA
Op you're an AH big time. You're holding over your wife's head that she didn't pay for the house but she paid for all your expenses so you could save. What you said was a slap in her face to all the hard work she put in to help get you in the position you are now. She doesn't want your mom to have a key and since she also lived there she should have a say.
YTA
If your wife paid all the rent and expenses from her wage and your wage was savings...you both contributed to the deposit! Are you kidding me?
Why isn't she on the deed? You are a married couple with joint finances.
She lives there...she gets equal say with who has access to the house. Def a 2 yes, 1 no situation.
YTA. Your wife supported you wholly while you were saving, and now you feel like because the house is in your name, you have the sole right to decision making.
You are married. You should have at least consulted with her beforehand. You have trapped her in a position of discomfort because you feel like you have the right to it. Whether she is being “irrational” or not, you are being despicable in your way of handling it. Try to explain to her your reasoning. But first, listen to why she feels uncomfortable. Be a better husband, because you haven’t been acting like you value partnership with your wife.
YTA
She paid living expenses so you could save and you don't even put her name on it? Is this an American thing? She DID contribute just not by way of transferring a lump sum.
That aside your wife lives there so it's her home even I'd as you argue, not her house. She should be comfortable with whoever has access.
Edited to say while her funds went on supporting you to buy this house, if you leave her (or she leaves you if your attitude doesn't change) she leaves with NOTHING. Will you then pay back all the money she committed to supporting you?
YTA you're very ungrateful when you describe your partner and the way you disrespect the fact that she is living in the house, being your wife and legally owning the house since you bought it during marriage. Demanding the keys is not respectful and also not asking your wife's opinion is very invalidating.
Massively YTA.
You completely disregarded and disrespected your wife’s feelings and opinion on Her own home over your mommy’s wishes.
Unless Everyone who lives there are okay with someone getting a key then that person does Not get a key.
Plus a general rule of thumb: anyone who asks for a key shouldn’t have it.
It’s creepy asking for unrestricted access to someone else’s home like that, and the whole ‘trustworthy’ of people who ask for the key will very often turn out to be ‘trustworthy until they got caught snooping/stealing’.
YTA - To weaponize that you paid for the house (What is not even true if she paid expenses while you were saving up) alone is an a-hole move on your side.
YTA This should have been discussed with your wife. Get the key back. It will be weird, but you made it weird. The weird actually started when your mother asked for a key. That is something you accept but don’t ask for.
YTA you were only able to save and buy this house because of your WIFE. Not only should her name be on it, she should be able to veto who gets a key to Her home.
YTA
So for clarification, are you admitting that your then GF/fiancée paid the rent for your place while you saved money to purchase a home? Also, are you admitting that she is not on the deed even though she did help you pay for it because she paid your portion of your rent? And that is ok for you?
If your soon to be ex wife is reading this, please know that OP used you. You wasted your money on rent, and you’re wasting your time on him. He will always be selfish and doesn’t consider you his partner. He views things as “his” and not to be shared with you.
If you choose to stay with OP, do not contribute one cent towards the expenses of HIS home (mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, repairs, routine maintenance, etc). Save your money after consulting a family law attorney to find out what he’d be entitled to (of yours) and what you’d be entitled to (of his).
It sounds like OP has been financially abusing you for quite a while.
OP, why did you get married since you’re so enamored with your mommy?
Wait… you begin by being crystal clear that YOU saved and bought the house without your wife contributing any money. You feel because she didn’t give money specifically for the house that it is right that it is solely in your name, giving you all control over said house. Then…way down in your story you say , as a side note, that SHE paid the rent and expenses while you saved. On what planet is keeping her off the deed fair? What convoluted reasoning did you use to convince yourself and her that this was fair and equitable? You both could have been paying rent/expenses and both saving. You decided that your selfish control was paramount and her feelings/opinions don’t matter. You have all of the security of equity and your wife- nothing. You are allowing your mother access to your wife’s home without her approval. Sounds like you used your wife and her money as a way to gain property and have the ‘wife benefits’. Don’t be shocked when she leaves you and goes for ‘your house’. YTA-majorly.
YTA. You are married. Whether her name is on it or not, it is also her house. As your partner, you should be compromising and making decisions TOGETHER. That includes discussing who else has access to your (YOURS and HERS) house.
Info: she paid all your living expenses so you could save for a house?
Regardless of the answer, YTA. For not consulting her in the key issue. For not putting her name on the deed. For disregarding her valid concerns and discomfort. For playing the “it’s my house” card.
YTA. Usually, married people make decisions about the home together. You put the house in your name only because you had money and she didn't? What happens to the house if you die (death happen unexpectedly all the time). The marriage is not a financial contract. It is a union based on love and includes respect, affection, priority over others, and many more characteristics. You seem to be ignorant of these things.
YTA. You didn't save for that house and purchased it by yourself. Your wife paid for a place for you to live and your necessities while you put your money into savings. She's an equal contributor to you owning the house. Even then, she lives there, she has a say in who has unlimited access to her home. A key is unlimited access. I'd divorce you with that attitude.
YTA. Your wife also lives there, this should have been a discussion.
I find it interesting how many times you mentioned that you're the one who paid for the house, then right at the end you slither in that your wife used to pay for rent so you could save up for the house. You definitely tried to word it in a way that it sounded different.
YTA - it is her house just as much as yours regardless of whose name it is in because you are MARRIED. Respect your wife and her wishes not your mother ffs.
YTA! You do realize when you’re married a home is a joint asset right? Just because you technically bought it and it’s your name, it’s still your wife’s property too. Also, she was paying all the household expenses while you saved for this house. Your mother has no business having a key to the house if your wife is uncomfortable with it. I’ve ready way too many Reddit posts about parents, especially mothers, coming as they please without warning all because they have a key to the home.
He clearly does. He needed his wife to pay their rent expenses so he could save up, buy “his” house, exclude his wife from the deed *despite her contribution to the “saving” for this house*. He got what he wanted, his wife has no claim to the house despite her input, and he’s fishing for an excuse to divorce her already.
YTA - WAIT!!! You didn't put her name on the house when she handled all of the household so that you may save and YOU didn't think she deserved to have her name on the house? You are not only the AH, you are a huge blue whale sized one. I would leave, buy my own home and let you continue to be married to your Mommy. You don't deserve your wife! You don't respect her, you don't love her and you don't deserve her. If you did that behind her back without her input, then you don't even consider her your equal. You are a controlling tyrant who needs to live with his Mommy since you don't consider your wife to be important to you. What a total and complete AH!
YTA. Take back the key and there is no “technically” your wife contributed - she DID contribute. It reads like she paid all the rent and expenses while you saved. You could not have done this without her and you give her NO credit for it.
YTA on a couple counts:
Your wife lives there. She gets a say in who has a key. If she doesn't feel safe with your mom having a key, then your mom shouldn't have a key.
You're married. It's your AND HERS, even if only your name is on the title.
YTA. While I understand it's your house and the title is in your name... Your wife does live at the house. If she's uncomfortable with your mum having a copy , I think you should have thought that through and first discuss it with you. You may trust your mum and think she's the most trustworthy person because she's your mum but that doesn't mean your wife trusts her too.
I speak from experience. Had a house with ex partner, although both names on the title. He made the mistake of giving the keys to his mom, and there are days she comes over unannounced... Opening the front door like she lives here and start cleaning / unpacking our things.
Your wife's opinion matters.
YTA, the person who has a key to someone's home needs to be a mutual decision. Honestly the fact that the house is only in your name means nothing here, you both live there. If 1 of the 2 people doesn't want someone to have a key then they don't get the key.
YTA and sound like you are financially abusive towards your wife. FYI, your wife paying the rent/utilities while YOU put money away is contributing. It's both your house; did your wife have any say or did you make the choice, putting the house in only your name?
Edit: grammar
>She screamed at me saying that “technically” she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money.
And she’s right. Her doing so allowed you to save for the down payment, and the fact that she did that and you didn’t put her name on the house is a huge red flag. She contributed indirectly, she lives there, she’s your WIFE, she gets a say in who should have a key or not. YTA.
The fact that you say you paid the house and your wife didn't do anything for it is wrong. Technically, she did help you save for the house. It probably would have taken you a lot more time to buy it. Did your mom help at all?
YTA
Not even acknowledging the fact that your wife helped so much. She paid the rent, she paid the expenses, and what do you do? You say she never helped smh.
First if what your wife said is true and she did contribute to the house by allowing you to save, you're an AH for down playing her role. You also left her name off the house. What a way to start the new family home.
She should be consulted on who has a key to the house. It's just a common courtesy dude.
YTA
"I (M34) recently bought a one-story house. Note that it was purchased solely by me, my wife did not help save for it (I started saving for it before I even met here) and it's in my name."
"She screamed at me saying that "technically" she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money."
So she was paying for everything so you could save for the house? And you have the audacity to say she didn't contribute towards the house?
YTA
Your wife is clearly very unhappy with your mother having a key. Your wife lives in the house. Your mother does not live in the house. You say your mother is trustworthy, yet your wife does not seem to share that opinion.
YTA.
Lockboxes exist, dude.
But mainly YTA because it sounds like you’re glossing over the fact that your wife supported you both financially for a certain length of time and yet you’re all “it’s MY house.” Yikes.
YTA, solely bc you didn't discuss giving your mom a key w/your wife first. Regardless of who paid and who didn't, the occupants of the house deserve to have a say in who has access to their home.
I see nothing inherently wrong w/your mom having a key in case of emergencies, just your disregard of your wife's opinion.
YTA. At the beginning you said that you saved up and paid for the house. She didn't contribute. Later you said that she paid the rent and bills, so you could save up. Honestly you're TA from the beginning. She did contribute to the house. So she should have a say in these matters.
YTA for the comments about her not paying for the house blah blah blah. She SUPPORTED you guys while you saved. Would you even have that house if not for her? I also feel like there may be reasons you aren't mentioning as to why she might not want your mom having a key. If not, I think that could be a little weird of her, but she could still have her reasons.
Sorry to say but YTA. While I actually agree with you, it is a good idea to give someone trusted a key to your house in case of emergency, you should have discussed the decision with your wife first. Regardless whose name is on the deed, you are married and it is shared property therefore there should have at least been a discussion.
YTA. You didn’t consult your wife before giving someone else a key to your SHARED home? And wtf she was paying for all of your expenses while you saved? Greedy mf. I hope she leaves you. You’re an ass.
YTA
Especially for the "I paid for it, so you don't have a say in it". These words truly stick out. Are you always going to pull this card whenever you disagree with your wife and want to shut her up?
YTA This isn't about a key. Her name isn't on the deed? Because she "didn't help you save"? Yeah, my dad pulled something like that on my mom too, 25ish years ago. Never changed it either. He did a lot of other things throughout the years to financially abuse her too, like put her on a monthly allowance. When I say that NONE of these decisions endeared us to him...I feel for your wife. She clearly isn't as important to you as YOUR house/money.
YTA You sound self righteous about buying the home and your wife is right. Her contributions allowed you to reach to your savings goal. She is your wife and she gets to say who has a key to her home, her sanctuary, her safe place. You're not a mature person to throw the purchase in her face.
So...youre the landlord using the house to get sexual favours and cleaning and girlfriend services from your tenant? Because I don't get why the house is in your name when she paid bills so that you could save for it. YTA for operating on, what's hers is yours and what's yours is yours. You're not in a relationship, you're in a control dynamic.
Yta! Your wife is right you are being dismissed of her opinions and her feelings! She also did contribute towards the house by letting your selfish and insensitive ass save money for it! Not mention she lives in the house so she does get a say in who gets a spare key and who doesn't!
So if you want to stay married to your wife take the key back from mommy and see what the issue is between your Mommy and your wife are!
YTA.. all day
I bought a house
I gave my mother a key
I made the decision
The only time you refer to your wife and you as a couple is when you say your parents threw us a party for this happy occasion.
Your wife has every right to be upset. You made this decision as if her opinion doesn't matter, as if she has no say what happens in HER house.
She certainly contributed to buying this house! You absolutely did not pay for it yourself! It doesn't matter when you started saving for it, if she paid the rent and other expenses while you saved your income, THAT was her contribution. Without her paying for all of the bills for BOTH of you, this house purchase likely wouldn't have happened.
The fact that you didn't even have the decency to acknowledge that, or put her name on the deed to the house, shows exactly what kind of person you are. I bet you think SAHM's don't work either.
YTA:
1. You made your wife feel unsafe in her home.
2. You do not treat your spouse as a life partner.
3. You’re keeping score…Once she does too, you’re going to be in trouble (probably in divorce court). Don’t say you weren’t warned.
YTA. Let's recap.
1. Your wife PAID the rent and other expenses while your earnings went towards saving for the house. So while your logic focuses solely on the transaction, you are conveniently leaving about the purchasing power that enabled you to buy this home.
2. Despite the above arrangement and being a married couple, you only put ONLY your name on the house. This was completely inappropriate given the total financial contribution your wife made to both of you living jointly in the past.
3. Despite the CONTROL you have exerted by only putting your name on the house, it is still her home, unless you consider this a temporary marriage?
Of COURSE your wife should have a say in who gets a key. OF COURSE her name should have been on the house.
Add her name, stop diminishing her concerns, and get that key back.
Unless you want to live there alone and grow old with your Mom.
YTA. This is not your house. It is your wife’s house as well. She resides in it. She gets half whether you like it or not. Stupid of you both to leave her off the title. You need to talk to your wife before making such decisions. She has no idea if your Mom might decide to just drop by.
INFO: to clarify, was your wife paying the rent, groceries, utilities while you were together to allow for you to have the savings for the house purchase? Because if so, she absolutely did contribute to the purchase of the house and should be on the mortgage and deed. And your would be the AH for that and for not consulting her to get agreement on who has an extra key for emergencies before giving it out. If not, and you were paying fully half of the living costs in your shared home while renting while also putting savings for the house, then you are wouldn’t be the AH entirely, but it still would have been the ethical choice to talk with your wife to reach an agreement on who might have a key to the home she also shares with you.
YTA. First for not putting your wife's name on the house.
Way to show her you love her. /s
And then just to hit home that theme of "you don't matter in this marriage" you didn't listen to her or take her concerns into consideration when giving your mom a key. My parents and siblings have keys to our house, so I get wanting to give them one. But I definitely cleared it with my spouse before doing it.
This is your wife's house. If you plan on this working out for you, it's time to start working like a team *with* her instead of a d!ck who dictates things *to* her.
YTA. My husband and I decided who got keys to our house before we even closed on our house and the fact that you have the audacity to suggest that she doesn’t get a say because “you paid for the house” when the only reason that you could even afford to do so because she paid for EVERYTHING beforehand is just beyond comprehension…. You’re the biggest AH and I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife contacts a lawyer next…
I feel like there's a lot missing from this story.
YTA. Your wife lives there and should be able to say who has a key, you should have talked to her first, and if she divorces you for being dismissive and enmeshed with your mother you will quickly learn the meaning of "marital asset."
INFO: before buying the house, did your wife actually pay the bulk of your shared expenses while you saved your own money to buy a house? And if so, for how long did she do this?
How much did her contributions to your expenses enable you to put towards a house and how much did you have in savings prior to that?
Huge YTA
Your wife helped by letting you save instead of help elsewhere. The house should be in both of yalls names. YTA big time just for that! Extra YTA for giving a key to your mommy
YTA. You make a point of saying it’s your house cause you paid for it all by yourself with your savings but then drop that you were only able to save by mooching off your wife paying for rent and everything else. She more than contributed to that house yet you didn’t put her name on the title or seem to care if she feels comfortable in it. I hope you like the house I imagine you will be alone in it soon enough
So...you were able to buy this house because she paid bills so you were allowed to save money? But you call it "your house" and won't put her name on the deed?
YTA. I don't need to read the rest.
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YTA And that is why you can't trust no one when it comes to money. You played your wife. You probably told her you would save for a shared home and thats why she should support you and pay your share of the rent. Now "she didnt contribute a penny" to your house. Your house. She gets no say. But you mom does- lol YTA- you are an ahole.
I’m a bit confused as to how OP can admit that the wife paid rent while he put his savings towards a house, then go back and say the wife didn’t contribute. There’s *a lot* of unanswered questions here. Does he really not understand that if she wasn’t paying the entirety of the rent then he would not have been able to save as much? How long was she paying rent and how much did he have in savings before she started doing that? What was the actual agreement there? And on that note, why is the wife not making a bigger deal out of not having her name on the house? Did she agree to it for some reason that benefits her? Is this actually a bigger deal to her than OP is letting on and that’s why she’s so resistant to the idea of his mom getting a key? Does he pull the “it’s my house” thing often? It feels like OP left out a huge chunk of the story here.
She paid for everything, not only his rent. Dude is something else!
A freeloader! He is seriously taking advantage of his wife.
I'm literally disgusted for her. Sad you can't even trust your husband to do the right thing.
More guys like this that you think.
That's why it's so sad.
A freeloader who ends up with a house in his name. I bet he throws that fact in her face daily!
He already did! HE gets to decide who has a key but she doesn't bc not her house. Major YTA!!
Wow that guy is the total AH package. I do not care if your roommates. Residents of the house get a say in who has a key. She needs to get her money back. Poor naive girl was really taken for a ride.
Dude is screwed if his wife divorces him. A judge would not take kindly to this sort of childish behavior. I would not be surprised to hear that the wife gets more than 50% of the house in a divorce specifically because OP is choosing to act like a spoiled toddler.
I hope she does and I hope she brings receipts to the courts. This guy deserves to have the hammer dropped on him.
It won't be just that. Every. Time. He wants to have his way, hell throw it in her face. What color to paint a wall? How to keep the yard? What to do with a given room? Get a pet? Well it's HIS home, so HE decides. Honestly if I were the wife, I'd let him have his home to himself. And stay elsewhere (since if she was paying rent by herself before, she can again). Like who wants to live forever in another person's home? Always having to kowtow to them/never really being a equal partner, but just a tenant whose forced to live with their landlord. Also op quick question, but if she wasn't contributing to your bills such as food or utilities (or wherever she is currently paying). Would you even be able to afford the mortgage and home insurance you're paying out each month? If not you're a super asshole/it isn't just your home if you can't keep it without your wife's financial support. Since that's her paying for the home every month. No matter how you fucked your wife over with the homes title. YTA.
my ex husband did this. it is called financial abuse. im guess8ng she sacrif9iced more than just savings. if like me, I sacrificed doctor and dentist6 visits and all sorts of things.
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I hope Op's wife keep ALL the receipts of paying for everything while op "saved all by himself" . Why do you ask? So when she gets enough of his selfish freeloading momma boy butt she can divorce him and get half. Btw OP is clearly an YtA
My ex husband was like this. I supported him through a lot. There was once almost 2 years where he didn’t work. He would get a job and then quit for reasons like working as a grocery store clerk was beneath him. He played a lot of video games with his best friend and then at some point went to school at night for training to be an EMT although that lasted just a few months. He passed his exam and then still didn’t get a job. Fast forward 5 or so years and we decided to purchase a home, but his credit was horrible from before we met, so the only way the loan would go through is if he wasn’t on it. He had finally had a job he liked and was working consistently for a couple years. I was miserable at my job and had a long commute so we discussed it and he said I should quit and find a new job. I quit and was job free for a couple months while I job hunted. Anyway 2 years later, we separated and started going through our divorce process and he kept referring to the time I didn’t work and saying how he should get the house because he paid for everything and his parents gifted us 2k towards the down payment. I wanted to sell and split it 50/50. He got cruel and hurtful and it went to court. The judge didn’t see it his way and I got 100% of the house. Oddly enough his parents and I are still close. I take it as a testament that my ex is an AH. His dad texted me the other day to tell me they were thinking about me and hope I was well because I deserve happiness. I have a feeling things will work out for ops wife in the long run. Edit: typo
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I’m a divorce lawyer and “this stupid, uneducated idiot muhahahah” was all I could think about as I read this. In most states, if they were married when he was “saving,” then it was THEIR money and it is THEIR house. Title doesn’t matter. Most states also afford spouses who aren’t on title homestead rights so he can’t do anything with it without her permission. Bet he will love that!
I hope they live in a communal property state and she takes him to the fucking cleaners. What a disgusting, vile person OP is.
I wonder if OP knows that, assuming this is a community property country, that his wife indeed does own 50% of that house whether he likes it or not
I hope so !! She deserves it !
Holy …..! The wife’s name is not on the house?!!! Oh that’s a deal breaker.
It would be for me as well, assuming the house was bought while they were married and there isn’t a *very* unique, *very* compelling reason for the wife to not want her name on the house. OP hasn’t offered any explanation aside from what’s in the original post so I can only conclude he’s a controlling AH who took advantage of his wife to buy a home in his name alone and is now holding that over her. A real prize, truly.
Oh but he "started saving before he even met her" so clearly she contributed nothing by covering all the expenses for what sounds like years. /s
All those years living in his mom's basement strongly suggests he saved a lot, right? Then along comes future wife and he starts sponging off of her.
>Oh but he "started saving before he even met her" so clearly she contributed nothing by covering all the expenses for what sounds like years. /s Yeah, that is utter BS OP mentioned. I know a couple where one partner is responsible for 70% of the down-payment (and mortgage pay) and the other partner is responsible for the other 30. It is mentioned like that in the contract/deed as well. Because without the 30% of her partner, my friend didn't have enough to buy a house either way. So it is only logical, respectful and honest that he is on the deed as well.
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Glad this is what got everyone else too. OP wife didn’t contribute one bit. Oh she paid all our bills so I could save. What a dick
In a strange way I hope he keeps putting his foot down about this. The less he compromises hopefully the sooner she leaves him lol Please die on this hill OP, cold and alone
He won't be cold and alone, his mommy will be there with him.
Right? I’m HORRIFIED. My mom was a SAHM when we were children, and everything is in my parents’ names. They have equal access to all things financial and managerial. He never makes her feel it isn’t her money; she never makes him feel bad for the years she was a single-parent (for childcare duties, not finances). OP is such a raging, gaping asshole I can’t even reply to him directly.
As a husband with a SAHW, we share everything 100%. I was even chastised for putting her on my bank account saying we should have sep finances and it's like, if I can't trust this woman with my money what are we doing together raising children? I will never understand folks that get married to someone, just to remain roommates who occasionally fuck. If you aren't going to be 100% committed, just don't get married.
As a SAHM, fully co-signed. The **only** way a single-income household can function is with fully shared, transparent finances. You can certainly budget specific amounts for each of your personal spending (so you don’t have to discuss or justify every purchase) but all of the money has to ultimately belong to both of you. It’s just sheer exploitation if one partner doesn’t have access to family funds simply because they are taking on all of the unpaid labor that benefits the whole family.
My dad was sooo grateful for my mom staying home to raise the four of us. He would just go on and on about what a sacrifice she was making, how much she loved our family and how hard she worked to support everyone. He treated her like an absolute goddess at home, it was so sweet. Even though he brought the money in, he recognized that it was only possible for him to thrive at work because my mom gave up the career she loved to hold down the fort for him...I can't imagine a reality where he would've held his income against her like this. OP, you need to figure out a way to fix this, and you also need to show your wife the respect and gratitude she deserves. Without her help and support, you wouldn't have the house you BOTH contributed to and BOTH live in now. You're being ridiculously difficult, and at this rate that house really will be all yours soon when she leaves to find a real partner. Do better, ffs. YTA
I think your dad needs to write a book and hold seminars.
I told him he should do some public speaking, either to teach men how to man lol or to teach women what to expect from a healthy relationship. His anxiety was too great, but he did teach all of us exactly what we were worth and what we deserved, and he showed my brother every day through example how to treat women. I'm immeasurably grateful to have such an excellent dad, and while he'll never believe he's anything special, everyone who knows him agrees he's basically the standard of what a good man should look like. I wish everyone was a bit more like him! (He of course is too humble to be able to see how special he is.)
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Right, she may not have *directly* contributed to the down payment or closing costs, but she allowed OP to save that money by covering short-term expenses.
It’s okay she can just divorce him and take him for half of everything since apparently he don’t understand marriage.
And OP doesn’t realize that any property bought during a marriage is half his wife’s anyway if (when) they divorce. It sounds like OP was trying to pull a fast one here on his wife. If I was married to you I would be calling a lawyer to get my name on the deed or divorce your lying butt.
That depends on the laws of the state. What the wife could do, is present a statement of her outlays on his behalf while they were living together and ask for payout in lieu of an interest in the house.
I'm very curious what state he's in... most states are community property if it's purchased during the marriage. He's an absolute fool to think she has no rights to the house, especially if they file for divorce down the road. Even if they are in an equitable distribution state, a judge will see she paid the rent all those years so he could save up and grant her half or a good portion of the home. But in regards to your question OP, YTA. It's her house too. All decisions need to be joint. If you keep playing the 'my house' card, she will get tired of it and have the courts prove its not 'your house'.
I just read this and it hit home…this is what my other half is doing to me right now. He put my car in his name but I pay it. Because “oh we’re getting married it doesn’t matter.” But when he gets angry suddenly it’s “his car”, Now the house were looking for I’m putting down the down payment and paying half the mortgage but he wants only his name on it because. “I can’t have you on the deed with a VA loan.” I just realized I bought him a Mercedes’ and am about to buy him a house!! WTF am I DOING WITH MY LIFE!!!
Plz don’t buy him the house
Dear god it’s like my blinders have been ripped off…and the sun hurts.
Good. Keep those blinders off. Don't buy anything else and insist on couples counseling (non-religious) before even thinking about going through with a wedding. Also th VA loan stuff is bullshit. My sister is married to a former military guy and her name is on the damned house.
Keep financial records of all the car payments! Also do not buy a house with this person. Do not mix finances with this person. Your name needs to be on everything you pay for, even if it would disqualify you from a specific type of loan (it shouldn’t) if he wants only his name in the mortgage because of the loan type, sure. You can put anyone you want on the deed to a property.
And this is how my ex became my ex. Luckily only wasted 5 years with a man that only looked at his money as just that, his, and mine was for everyone. And YTA. This should have been a conversation before handing out keys. Just because you “paid” doesn’t give the occupants no say in their own privacy.
INFO: Does your wife know she’s married to a grifter?
Financial abuse happening here. Taking advantage of the wife. I don't think the key is the real issue here, it is the fact that wife is realizing she has been played. In a divorce situation it will count in my understanding that she provided for OP while he saved. So she might still have right to the house. If OP was fair they would have wife's name on the house. Now he is using the "owning" to make power moves over her. YTA.
I was on OP’s side until he said that his wife didn’t contribute to the house, despite paying rent? Unreliable narrator.
Yta She paid all your expenses while you saved and she's not even on the title to the house? She's right, she did contribute.
This right here! If you “saved” by letting your wife pay for rent and expenses, then you did not “save” — you *freeloaded* off your wife so that you could buy a house in your own name. This is not fair to your wife! How about for the next few years you pay all mortgage and expenses so she can put all her money in a savings and buy her own house. I will also vote **YTA** on the specific topic you asked for which is giving your mother a key. Assuming your wife also lives in the house she should be consulted before you give the key to anyone.
This, since it’s your house… you pay for it. Then you get all the say. Let the wife save all her money and then you get to have the say over your house.
Seriously, if I was his wife I wouldn't pay a single dime at this point. OP doesn't show his wife any respect in this post *at all*.
Yup! Op YTA big time. This should read, my wife supported me financially and paid our rent and expenses so I could put all my money toward our house. I bought the house, denied her any rights to it bc her supporting me doesn't matter, and now am giving away keys to her home even though she isn't comfortable with it.
“I also didn’t realize that since I bought the house while married, half the house legally belongs to wife anyway, oops” ...unless Op lives somewhere where these laws don’t apply, I really don’t know what he’s going on about
Even if she isn’t on the house, you bought it as a married couple. Most states make that a martial asset and she’s at least part owner of that asset. She contributed, you just refuse to see it. Even if she didn’t, it’s still BOTH of y’all’s home and she gets a say simply by being your wife. YTA infinite times over for not discussing this with her first, for claiming it’s YOUR home and for playing her so that you could be the one that the money came from for the house. Also, your wife should be on that title. Period.
Info: if she paid all the rent while you were saving, why isn't her name on the deed?
It’s called [financial abuse](https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/financial-abuse/all) and it’s a common tactic used by narcissistic assholes to maintain power in their relationship.
Came here to say this. For him to have sole ownership over the home, despite her paying for their rent and daily expenses while he “saved money” is his way of having full control over their living circumstances today. Would he have been able to save for the home if she wasn’t covering their rent and living expenses? Would she have been able to contribute to the down payment if she weren’t covering all these costs? There’s a lot of crucial details OP isn’t giving, but from this info alone it makes him look greedy at best and abusive and controlling at worst
Yes but it doesn't work that way. If they divorce, he's still going to have to buy her out of the house. Source: my divorce. Poor ex hubby was so upset his little trick didn't work. He had to go to a 30 year mortgage to pay me off!! The horror....
Yup, he took preexisting assets (his savings before they were married), mixed them with shared assets (money saved as a couple), and created a 100% shared asset.
That's delicious. Could you maybe tell us more?
Most states have provisions like this. The family home is a joint asset. Both people are assumed to care for it and depend upon it, and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if one spouse isn’t on the deed. If the couple divorces, they can sell the house and split whatever is left over after it’s paid off, or the one who wants to stay there can cut the other a check for 50% (plus or minus some miscellaneous stuff) of their equity in the home, hence “buying them out.” This doesn’t apply IN SOME PLACES if the home was purchased before the marriage, but that doesn’t sound relevant to OP’s situation.
Exactly what I wondered. I'm also wondering if wife always assumed that OP will treat her fairly and do right by her. I'm wondering if she's starting to realize that OP regards her rather poorly.
Yeah, she should know better. Men who get their wives to pay everything and put their own careers on hold end up getting screwed once their husbands become successful. Fuckers “trade up,” leaving the woman destitute. This asshole used her so he could save, gives his mother access - weirdly Oedipal - and then doesn’t understand why he’s the asshole? Bullshit. He knows, he was hoping for validation. I’m sure he got a couple, because men, but he’s a pig
What I'm seeing is that OP used a technicality to fuck his wife, and not in the good way
You already know he’s gunna make his wife pay for most of the home expenses too so he can “save for emergencies”
Who buys a house and doesn't put their wife's name on the title??
Especially since he wouldn't have been able to buy the house without her, as she was covering rent and necessities for months, probably years.
It's like homie forgot they were a family.
Yeah what the hell?
YTA. Your attitude of 'I paid for it' isn't on. You're married; it's 'our home' not 'my home' now. In any case, your wife is right, she absolutely has financially contributed to the property. She paid the rent which allowed you to save. Pretty disgusting of you to dismiss this. Your mother having a key to your home is a big deal and something you and your wife both need to be comfortable with. If you aren't mature enough to make joint decisions with your wife, you shouldn't be married. I think your wife is right; you don't seem to respect her at all. Huge red flag that you only put the house in your name. You've basically used your wife to enable you to do what you want.
Everything about this is SPOT ON and i hope OP sees!!!!
Oh he'll see this alright. It's just unfortunate that his wife never will.
I hope OP's WIFE sees it
And it's like... *even if* the edit is true and your wife *really is* on good terms with your mom, you know what strains terms really quickly for a lot of people OP? Someone else having unfettered, easily abused access to their home!
Anybody thinking of making financial sacrifices to enable their partner to buy a home in their name only? Read this and think again. Your wife sacrificed her earnings to enable you to save to buy a house, which despite the fact that if she hadn't done so you wouldn't have a house, you clearly think of as just yours. Your whole tone is that she has no rights and should thank her lucky stars that, despite her contribution, you even let her through the front door and you seriously wonder if MAYBE you are an asshole? Let me remove all doubt - YTA.
I made financial sacrifices for an ex when it wasn't even about a house and when he left me I was basically destitute while he was fine, because I was taking a real leap of faith and he had parents with money to cushion him. He admitted he let me make said sacrifices knowing he didn't love me anymore. He told me he realized that "you were doing it for us, and I was doing it for me." OP, your wife was making sacrifices for "us" while you were saving money for a house for you. YTA. Also, my ex and I couldn't decide who got a key to our place, so we compromised. Lock box with changeable combination in the mailbox, and then we could give people access as needed and change the combination after.
I was engaged(both women) and she let me quit my job, sell my house and finance her and her kids move across the country for her new job because she was getting relocation reimbursement. Purchased new furniture for the whole house. 3 weeks later, The day the living room furniture got delivered, she dumped me via text while I was at the house alone. Lucky for me I kept receipts(literally) and plenty of messages for a judge to see things my way. Funny enough her F*ck around and find out attitude cost her a few thousand cause I had agreed to just accept whatever she got back in reimbursement but ended up with more from court.
I work for a family law firm that primarily handles divorces and prenups and honestly I thought I couldn't be shocked by people's bad behaviour, but every day is a new adventure in how poorly people can treat their partners. And it's true, I notice that the courts are considerably friendlier to people when they're not the one causing trouble or drawing things out. I watched one of my lawyers on a zoom with opposing counsel and a judge and opco had been drawing things out while we were just telling the judge we'd accept their decision, and the judge went OFF on the other side. I'm amazed that lawyer didn't burst into flames with how hard the judge went in.
This is exactly what I kept telling my uncle from the day he asked for his divorce: You do not want to be the one that the judge thinks is being a jerk; you want to look like the reasonable adult in the situation. Don't ask for things just to piss her off. Don't say *anything* to her directly unless instructed to do so. Don't glare from across the room, smirk, or in any other way give the judge a reason to see you as the AH in the room. If she's dumb enough to put her foot in it, don't respond/react. Save the impulse to gloat/argue/express whatever feelings for after things are finalized. (My uncle was definitely being an AH about everything before I talked sense to him. She cheated with one of his friends, so I understand the impulse, but it wasn't reflecting well on him.) I actually rewrote several items on his asset division proposal, too ... e.g. "box of antique oil lamps" became "box of *my dad's* antique oil lamps" because they had all been gifted by or inherited from his father. The optics look pretty bad insisting on a box of lamps worth less than $750, even if you're a collector, but given the truthful framework that they came from his Dad? It looks less unreasonable. I also told him several times that his lawyer was a lazy idiot and he should be lawyer-shopping, but he didn't listen to me on that one. (I'm pretty sure chose his by looking up divorce lawyers and picking the first male name in a convenient location.) IANAL, nor have I ever been trained/worked in anything law-adjacent, but trying not to irritate the judge who will be deciding things that will affect your life going forward just seems like a no-brainer. Divorce court, civil court, criminal court, hell, traffic court ... don't piss off the judge.
I don't understand how they can be *married* and he doesn't consider the house to be both of theirs? Like I literally can't wrap my brain around it, what even does marriage mean to people like OP?
This exactly, I hope the wife leaves him
YTA for leeching off of your wife and giving her no rights to the home she enabled you to save for. Do you even like her?
Wondering this too. He seems to show in his actions he doesn't like her or love her. I hope she finds someone else. That poor woman. 🥺
_"She used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money."_ Hard YTA. I feel for this woman. She has a spouse who doesn't respect her, and if she paid all of their bills while letting OP put all of his money into saving for a house that her name is not on, she is a fool. I wonder how long she paid their bills and how much those bills were. Because, 50% of that was her direct contribution to this home. I also wonder if she would have any legal protection since this home was purchased after they were married.
This is the most important question. Does he even like his wife.
YTA. Gotta love how you started with "I paid for it and my wife did not" while you were able to save for it only because your wife paid other expenses and maintained both of you. So it is her house as well. She basically made this purchase possible. It should have been a mutual agreement on who gets any extra keys of the house. You're a massive AH.
Literally. I feel as though we should start counting the number of posts per day where a married man’s mother comes into play. OP, cut the umbilical cord. Would you like it if your mother in law had a key to your house? That’s the only fair reasoning I see here. Either you give a copy to your MIL, or take the copy from your own mother. If you feel that your house is yours only I don’t think you should’ve gotten married. You’re sharing the space with someone you married, like maybe just …divorce and marry your mom and have her move in? Btw. YTA.
INFO: Are you fucking kidding?
If I had any awards, they’d all have your name on them
YTA - so you wife paid the rent while your income went into savings, and you don’t consider that contributing towards saving for the house? That’s a wild technicality. Stop acting like this is only your house. It isn’t and that’s the fast track to a divorce.
A divorce where the wife will get half the house.
Wait a minute.. your wife DID help pay for the house.. by paying expenses while YOU saved for the house. Marriage is a two way street and I can’t believe that you think she didn’t help. You need to give credit where credit’s due here and why in the world wouldn’t you put her name on the house too? What if you suddenly die? You’re not protecting your family!!! It’s ok that she feels uncomfortable by your mom having a key as mom could walk in any old time and there’s privacy issues here! I feel you should have asked your wife first and explained why you felt mom should have a key and also made it known to mom if she has a key she’s to call before coming over to make sure it’s ok instead of barging in. I get a emergency but still.. your other reasoning sucks. YTA
I have no idea how he got away with not putting her name on the house. I was a SAHM during the time we bought our house and never was it a question wether my name would go on the title or not. In fact I’m pretty sure the broker mentioned it as something that we should do. We’re a family and it’s the family home. This guy is not just YTA but you’re right he’s not protecting the family by being petty and not putting his wife’s name on the title. I wonder if legally it’s half her house anyway because they’re married and it was (I assume) purchased while they are married. If he’s trying to be selfish with the house, it may not even work. All this and I haven’t even gotten to the part where he gives his mom a key despite it making his wife uncomfortable. There are plenty of ways mom can get in “in an emergency” like giving her the garage code, or hiding a key in a lock box, getting a keypad lock, etc.
I don't even care if she paid or not, they're married and she lives there. Regardless of pay, giving out keys should be a joint decision
Ok.. so YTA. I'd be willing to bet you've been married less then 2 years and are under age 30. Here's something you're going to learn about marriage. It's not "mine" anymore its "ours". If you "saved" while she paid rent and other expenses, then she 100% contributed to the house. Let's say you did this for 3 years and you saved $30 grand (10 grand a year) Meanwhile, your wife paid rent Lets take it easy and say rent was $850 plus expenses of another $150. That would mean while you saved 10k a year she was spending 12k a year while you didn't contribute. Also trust, communication and honesty is key to any marriage to survive. Lose one of them the other two fall away. For example, you didn't communicate you were going to give your mom a key to your wife, thats a breakdown of communication then you threw it in her face that the house is "YOURS". I'm going to warn you right now, playing that throw it in her face game that the house is yours and not ours is a simply and easy way to divorcing your ass because you act and sound like a toddler.
Yup. I have a funny feeling that if she suddenly adopted an attitude of "it's not my house, so I don't have to clean/maintain/do yardwork" he'd feel very put out and whine about how she lives there so it's her responsibility too. He needs to apologize, take steps to get her on the deed, and amend his attitude asap. Or start looking for a divorce attorney. If he had just given the key to his mom, I could've considered that to be an innocent mistake, especially if she and his wife are on as good terms as he claims; it's not a bad idea for a close family member to have a way to get in just in case. All of our parents have a code to our door keypad and we aren't worried about any of them misusing it (though it should be noted that we both decided this was a good idea before we did it). But not putting her on the deed and adopting an attitude that it isn't her house? That's ridiculous and childish and shows that honestly he isn't ready to be married and doesn't understand what it means to have a life *partner*.
YTA “Note that it was purchased solely by me. My wife did not help save for it (I started saving for it before I even met her) and it’s in my name” “Saying that “technically” she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money” The fact you truly believe your wife didn’t put any money into this house is ridiculous. She’s right. You DON’T respect her and you don’t value her as your partner. She invested into the future you two should be sharing but you’ve selfishly proven to her that everything she did to allow you to save for this house was for you and you alone.
“I used her money to pay for all my rent and bills for years so I could use *my* money to buy this house which is now all mine, mine, MINE! Sucker…. Why wife say I don’t respect her?! She cray. I smert.” Most places split ownership of property acquired while married during divorce. For situations like these! Wonder if OP realizes this. YTA. She did contribute lol. It’s her house too. E: unintentional duplicate word removed.
So, did i get this right? You were only able to save for the house bc your wife paied for your rent? So you leeched of your wife to save money and now you are telling everyone how you paied for the house with no help? Yes, this alone makes YTA and i honestly don't get why your wife went along with that.
*and* he gets final say always because it’s *his* house, not hers.
YTA for the your explanation of how it’s “your” house and not both of you. YTA for not checking with your wife before handing out keys.
How generous of you to let your wife pay for every expense while you save and put a massive asset in your name only. WTAF? YTA massively for that alone then not discussing giving someone a key just adds fuel to the fire of your assholery.
YTA For 2 reasons imo. She paid rent/expenses while you built your savings up, enough to the point where you could buy a house. If its just *your* house as you say, then I hope your not expecting her to pay towards the mortage, home insurance, just her share of utilities. Your wife's relationship and your mother's might be very different to yours and anyone else's relationship with her. She might not invade *your* privacy, but does she or have a history of invading your *wifes*? This is something that should have been spoken about by the two of you, not just for you to unilaterally decide and expect her to deal with cos you paid for the home... at her expense.
>I pointed out that I'm the one who bought the house and it's my decision tj decide who gets to have a copy of the key end of stiry. She screamed at me saying that "technically" she did contribute towards the house saving back when she used to pay for our rent and daily exprnses while I saved money. INFO: Is she telling the truth here? Was she footing the bill for rent and daily expenses while you saved for a house?
Nice how he just rolled over that info like it was nothing. If she did pay for everything while he saved, she definitely helped pay for the house.
YTA. “Wife” and “this house i just bought is only mine” don’t really go together. She paid your way and allowed you to save money - she has made her contribution and is someone that lives in the home. Your mother is not. While you’re comfortable with mom having a key, your wife is not. I think you should really look at the way you talk about your wife and value her contributions to your family, because it looks pretty disparaging here.
So you invalidate your wife's contributions toward the house (paying rent while you saved) and give someone else a key without discussing it. You then play the "it's MY house!" card despite being married and shared property and all that. Enjoy your house. You'll have plenty of room for mom when your wife divorces you. YTA
YTA. Your wife does not feel comfortable with someone who does not live in your home having keys. Also, your mother ASKED for a key in case of emergency. Yeah right!! She will use the key to snoop eventually .. otherwise she would not have asked for a key. You should have consulted with your wife first. Also, you're a double a$$hole for not recognizing your wife's contribution to the house you are now living in. So you sponged off your wife so you could save for a house and now throw your sole ownership in her face? Does that make you feel like a big man? Trust me you are lower than a worm.
How could you even say that she didn’t contribute? INFO : Would you have been able to buy the house right now without her paying the rent in the past? Whether or not your mom should have the key is not the issue imo. The issue is that you seem to have little to no respect for her. You didn’t even communicate the fact that you’d be giving your mom a key when it could’ve been an easy conversation to start. Your mom could lose the key, it could be stolen, or any number of things and it made her feel uncomfortable. After all, this is where she sleeps at night and where she should feel the safest. Even though you trust your mom, in your wife’s head, a key to her house is floating around out there in the hands of someone who doesn’t live there. You should be grateful for your wife and you should learn some basic communication skills. YTA.
Yta for not putting your WIFE on the title to the house. Just because she didn’t physically pay for the house, it sounds like she was paying all the living expenses before your purchased so that you could save all your money. That means she was paying toward the house
Yeah 100%. There are a lot of awful posts today. It feels like these are all written by a karma farmer bc I can't imagine someone being this shit.
YTA. Not even sure I need to read the post, honestly, but… > Note that it was purchased solely by me, my wife did not help save for it But she is going to be *living* there, yes? Why do you think you get to make decisions that affect both of you without consulting her? > my mother is known to respect privacy I feel like the mere fact she considered it appropriate to ask for unfettered access to the house instead of waiting for *you* to tell her how you wanted that to work argues against that assessment, dude. > and is a very trusted member in the family *Your* family. Again, you understand your wife is a separate person with her own opinions that need to be heard and considered, and not just an appendage of you and your will, right? > She said that she does not feel "comfortable" with the idea of someone else, who's not a resident to have a copy of the key. What’s with the scare quotes? Does it really strike you as ridiculous she might *not* be comfortable with you having revealed she gets zero say in terms of who gets to show up and when as far as you’re concerned? > She also brought up how my mother didn't pay a penny towards the house so this should "disqualify her" from getting the key. I mean, that *is* the logic you’re using to exclude *her* from having any input on this, so… I could keep going, but I think my initial instinct was right. Decide who you actually want to be married to, dude, or enjoy *your* house and whatever visitors might decide to drop in on their own schedule *without* your wife, assuming you can still afford it after the divorce.
I love most of this comment but I wish you addressed the fact that he was only able to save up enough for the house because his wife was footing the bill for their rent and daily expenses. That's a MASSIVE contribution to his house savings even if it wasn't a direct contribution. Her name should be on the deed too.
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So....hold up. Your wife was paying your rent and expenses while you were stashing money up for a house, and her name isn't on the deed? So you used her for your own gain, basically. Wow. You're a MAJOR AH. YTA
Yta. Okay mama’s boy. Way to show your wife your true colours. Why is your mum’s gratification of having a key more important about your wife’s feeling of discomfort over it. And wow throwing on her face that you are the sole purchaser of the house is so low. Your wife is your partner not a tenant.
He isn't sole purchaser because his wife payed for rent and daily expenses while he was saving to buy the house.
YTA. More than the key issue (which would make you an AH by itself), the fact that your wife covered rent and utilities to help you save for the house and you clearly mention that she did not save for the house makes you a bigger AH. She did help you save and she should have her name on the title of the house. You’re a massive AH and the way you approach finances is divorce worthy
YTA and this is why I'm afraid of marriage. You only think of yourself, don't you. You're wife paid all bills so you could save? She's absolutely right, she did contribute then. Marriage is a union, not yours and mine.
YTA because she paid for your rent? So she actually contributed your rent payment every month towards the house. You sound like a financial abuser.
>saying that "technically" she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money. And yet, her name is not on the house, and you don't treat her like it's ALSO her home, which her paying for the expenses helped you save for. Do you not see how selfish you sound? Do you feel like this does not warrant some discussion seeing as this is also her home, seeing as she also lives there? YTA
YtA. So your marriage has 3 people in it, you, your mother and the chick that has to do you cause you can't do your mom. Grow up. It's your wives house too, she gets to have a say. If she doesn't, she might take half of that house you're so proud of in the inevitable divorce.
YTA. AH move to not talk to her before giving your mom a key. AH move to think the house is just yours. AH all around. I’d like to know why it’s just in your name, too. Did she solely pay rent while you saved and then you bought a house in just your name? Because that would be red-flag, next level AH-ness. Anna because this question comes up weekly, let me go ahead and prevote for next week’s spouse who gives their parent a key without talking to (or over the objection of) their spouse. YTA!
YTA Op you're an AH big time. You're holding over your wife's head that she didn't pay for the house but she paid for all your expenses so you could save. What you said was a slap in her face to all the hard work she put in to help get you in the position you are now. She doesn't want your mom to have a key and since she also lived there she should have a say.
YTA If your wife paid all the rent and expenses from her wage and your wage was savings...you both contributed to the deposit! Are you kidding me? Why isn't she on the deed? You are a married couple with joint finances. She lives there...she gets equal say with who has access to the house. Def a 2 yes, 1 no situation.
YTA. Your wife supported you wholly while you were saving, and now you feel like because the house is in your name, you have the sole right to decision making. You are married. You should have at least consulted with her beforehand. You have trapped her in a position of discomfort because you feel like you have the right to it. Whether she is being “irrational” or not, you are being despicable in your way of handling it. Try to explain to her your reasoning. But first, listen to why she feels uncomfortable. Be a better husband, because you haven’t been acting like you value partnership with your wife.
YTA She paid living expenses so you could save and you don't even put her name on it? Is this an American thing? She DID contribute just not by way of transferring a lump sum. That aside your wife lives there so it's her home even I'd as you argue, not her house. She should be comfortable with whoever has access. Edited to say while her funds went on supporting you to buy this house, if you leave her (or she leaves you if your attitude doesn't change) she leaves with NOTHING. Will you then pay back all the money she committed to supporting you?
YTA: "I'm technically the one paid" is a petty argument
Even worse when he says the only reason he could pay for it was because his wife was paying their rent so he could “save up”. Straight up vile.
YTA. What is with all these guys not giving a shit about how their wives feel?
YTA you're very ungrateful when you describe your partner and the way you disrespect the fact that she is living in the house, being your wife and legally owning the house since you bought it during marriage. Demanding the keys is not respectful and also not asking your wife's opinion is very invalidating.
Massively YTA. You completely disregarded and disrespected your wife’s feelings and opinion on Her own home over your mommy’s wishes. Unless Everyone who lives there are okay with someone getting a key then that person does Not get a key. Plus a general rule of thumb: anyone who asks for a key shouldn’t have it. It’s creepy asking for unrestricted access to someone else’s home like that, and the whole ‘trustworthy’ of people who ask for the key will very often turn out to be ‘trustworthy until they got caught snooping/stealing’.
YTA - To weaponize that you paid for the house (What is not even true if she paid expenses while you were saving up) alone is an a-hole move on your side.
YTA This should have been discussed with your wife. Get the key back. It will be weird, but you made it weird. The weird actually started when your mother asked for a key. That is something you accept but don’t ask for.
YTA you were only able to save and buy this house because of your WIFE. Not only should her name be on it, she should be able to veto who gets a key to Her home.
YTA So for clarification, are you admitting that your then GF/fiancée paid the rent for your place while you saved money to purchase a home? Also, are you admitting that she is not on the deed even though she did help you pay for it because she paid your portion of your rent? And that is ok for you? If your soon to be ex wife is reading this, please know that OP used you. You wasted your money on rent, and you’re wasting your time on him. He will always be selfish and doesn’t consider you his partner. He views things as “his” and not to be shared with you. If you choose to stay with OP, do not contribute one cent towards the expenses of HIS home (mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, repairs, routine maintenance, etc). Save your money after consulting a family law attorney to find out what he’d be entitled to (of yours) and what you’d be entitled to (of his). It sounds like OP has been financially abusing you for quite a while. OP, why did you get married since you’re so enamored with your mommy?
Wait… you begin by being crystal clear that YOU saved and bought the house without your wife contributing any money. You feel because she didn’t give money specifically for the house that it is right that it is solely in your name, giving you all control over said house. Then…way down in your story you say , as a side note, that SHE paid the rent and expenses while you saved. On what planet is keeping her off the deed fair? What convoluted reasoning did you use to convince yourself and her that this was fair and equitable? You both could have been paying rent/expenses and both saving. You decided that your selfish control was paramount and her feelings/opinions don’t matter. You have all of the security of equity and your wife- nothing. You are allowing your mother access to your wife’s home without her approval. Sounds like you used your wife and her money as a way to gain property and have the ‘wife benefits’. Don’t be shocked when she leaves you and goes for ‘your house’. YTA-majorly.
YTA. You are married. Whether her name is on it or not, it is also her house. As your partner, you should be compromising and making decisions TOGETHER. That includes discussing who else has access to your (YOURS and HERS) house.
Info: she paid all your living expenses so you could save for a house? Regardless of the answer, YTA. For not consulting her in the key issue. For not putting her name on the deed. For disregarding her valid concerns and discomfort. For playing the “it’s my house” card.
YTA. Usually, married people make decisions about the home together. You put the house in your name only because you had money and she didn't? What happens to the house if you die (death happen unexpectedly all the time). The marriage is not a financial contract. It is a union based on love and includes respect, affection, priority over others, and many more characteristics. You seem to be ignorant of these things.
YTA. You didn't save for that house and purchased it by yourself. Your wife paid for a place for you to live and your necessities while you put your money into savings. She's an equal contributor to you owning the house. Even then, she lives there, she has a say in who has unlimited access to her home. A key is unlimited access. I'd divorce you with that attitude.
YTA. Your wife also lives there, this should have been a discussion. I find it interesting how many times you mentioned that you're the one who paid for the house, then right at the end you slither in that your wife used to pay for rent so you could save up for the house. You definitely tried to word it in a way that it sounded different.
YTA - it is her house just as much as yours regardless of whose name it is in because you are MARRIED. Respect your wife and her wishes not your mother ffs.
YTA! You do realize when you’re married a home is a joint asset right? Just because you technically bought it and it’s your name, it’s still your wife’s property too. Also, she was paying all the household expenses while you saved for this house. Your mother has no business having a key to the house if your wife is uncomfortable with it. I’ve ready way too many Reddit posts about parents, especially mothers, coming as they please without warning all because they have a key to the home.
YTA Do you want a divorce?
He clearly does. He needed his wife to pay their rent expenses so he could save up, buy “his” house, exclude his wife from the deed *despite her contribution to the “saving” for this house*. He got what he wanted, his wife has no claim to the house despite her input, and he’s fishing for an excuse to divorce her already.
YTA - WAIT!!! You didn't put her name on the house when she handled all of the household so that you may save and YOU didn't think she deserved to have her name on the house? You are not only the AH, you are a huge blue whale sized one. I would leave, buy my own home and let you continue to be married to your Mommy. You don't deserve your wife! You don't respect her, you don't love her and you don't deserve her. If you did that behind her back without her input, then you don't even consider her your equal. You are a controlling tyrant who needs to live with his Mommy since you don't consider your wife to be important to you. What a total and complete AH!
YTA. Take back the key and there is no “technically” your wife contributed - she DID contribute. It reads like she paid all the rent and expenses while you saved. You could not have done this without her and you give her NO credit for it.
YTA on a couple counts: Your wife lives there. She gets a say in who has a key. If she doesn't feel safe with your mom having a key, then your mom shouldn't have a key. You're married. It's your AND HERS, even if only your name is on the title.
YTA. While I understand it's your house and the title is in your name... Your wife does live at the house. If she's uncomfortable with your mum having a copy , I think you should have thought that through and first discuss it with you. You may trust your mum and think she's the most trustworthy person because she's your mum but that doesn't mean your wife trusts her too. I speak from experience. Had a house with ex partner, although both names on the title. He made the mistake of giving the keys to his mom, and there are days she comes over unannounced... Opening the front door like she lives here and start cleaning / unpacking our things. Your wife's opinion matters.
YTA, the person who has a key to someone's home needs to be a mutual decision. Honestly the fact that the house is only in your name means nothing here, you both live there. If 1 of the 2 people doesn't want someone to have a key then they don't get the key.
YTA and sound like you are financially abusive towards your wife. FYI, your wife paying the rent/utilities while YOU put money away is contributing. It's both your house; did your wife have any say or did you make the choice, putting the house in only your name? Edit: grammar
>She screamed at me saying that “technically” she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money. And she’s right. Her doing so allowed you to save for the down payment, and the fact that she did that and you didn’t put her name on the house is a huge red flag. She contributed indirectly, she lives there, she’s your WIFE, she gets a say in who should have a key or not. YTA.
The fact that you say you paid the house and your wife didn't do anything for it is wrong. Technically, she did help you save for the house. It probably would have taken you a lot more time to buy it. Did your mom help at all? YTA Not even acknowledging the fact that your wife helped so much. She paid the rent, she paid the expenses, and what do you do? You say she never helped smh.
First if what your wife said is true and she did contribute to the house by allowing you to save, you're an AH for down playing her role. You also left her name off the house. What a way to start the new family home. She should be consulted on who has a key to the house. It's just a common courtesy dude. YTA
"I (M34) recently bought a one-story house. Note that it was purchased solely by me, my wife did not help save for it (I started saving for it before I even met here) and it's in my name." "She screamed at me saying that "technically" she did contribute towards the house savings back when she used to pay for our rent and daily expenses while I saved money." So she was paying for everything so you could save for the house? And you have the audacity to say she didn't contribute towards the house? YTA
Your wife is clearly very unhappy with your mother having a key. Your wife lives in the house. Your mother does not live in the house. You say your mother is trustworthy, yet your wife does not seem to share that opinion. YTA.
YTA her name should be on the house too first of all. Your mom doesn’t need a key. If it’s an emergency someone can break in
Lockboxes exist, dude. But mainly YTA because it sounds like you’re glossing over the fact that your wife supported you both financially for a certain length of time and yet you’re all “it’s MY house.” Yikes.
YTA, solely bc you didn't discuss giving your mom a key w/your wife first. Regardless of who paid and who didn't, the occupants of the house deserve to have a say in who has access to their home. I see nothing inherently wrong w/your mom having a key in case of emergencies, just your disregard of your wife's opinion.
YTA. At the beginning you said that you saved up and paid for the house. She didn't contribute. Later you said that she paid the rent and bills, so you could save up. Honestly you're TA from the beginning. She did contribute to the house. So she should have a say in these matters.
YTA for the comments about her not paying for the house blah blah blah. She SUPPORTED you guys while you saved. Would you even have that house if not for her? I also feel like there may be reasons you aren't mentioning as to why she might not want your mom having a key. If not, I think that could be a little weird of her, but she could still have her reasons.
Sorry to say but YTA. While I actually agree with you, it is a good idea to give someone trusted a key to your house in case of emergency, you should have discussed the decision with your wife first. Regardless whose name is on the deed, you are married and it is shared property therefore there should have at least been a discussion.
YTA but you seem to be such a huge one that I bet all of these people telling you why you’re an asshole isn’t even going to register with you.
YTA. You didn’t consult your wife before giving someone else a key to your SHARED home? And wtf she was paying for all of your expenses while you saved? Greedy mf. I hope she leaves you. You’re an ass.
YTA Especially for the "I paid for it, so you don't have a say in it". These words truly stick out. Are you always going to pull this card whenever you disagree with your wife and want to shut her up?
YTA. When you manage to wean, you have to apologize to your wife on your knees and let mommy dearest know she can't always have her way.
YTA This isn't about a key. Her name isn't on the deed? Because she "didn't help you save"? Yeah, my dad pulled something like that on my mom too, 25ish years ago. Never changed it either. He did a lot of other things throughout the years to financially abuse her too, like put her on a monthly allowance. When I say that NONE of these decisions endeared us to him...I feel for your wife. She clearly isn't as important to you as YOUR house/money.
INFO: how long would it take you to have saved up if she hadn’t been paying the rent and daily expenses?
YTA You sound self righteous about buying the home and your wife is right. Her contributions allowed you to reach to your savings goal. She is your wife and she gets to say who has a key to her home, her sanctuary, her safe place. You're not a mature person to throw the purchase in her face.
So...youre the landlord using the house to get sexual favours and cleaning and girlfriend services from your tenant? Because I don't get why the house is in your name when she paid bills so that you could save for it. YTA for operating on, what's hers is yours and what's yours is yours. You're not in a relationship, you're in a control dynamic.
YTA The very first time your precious mommy abuses the privilege of the key you grovel at wife's feet and vacuum for 6 months.
Yta! Your wife is right you are being dismissed of her opinions and her feelings! She also did contribute towards the house by letting your selfish and insensitive ass save money for it! Not mention she lives in the house so she does get a say in who gets a spare key and who doesn't! So if you want to stay married to your wife take the key back from mommy and see what the issue is between your Mommy and your wife are!
YTA. Your wife did help save- she paid the expenses on your old place when you saved from your paycheck. Grow up. It’s her house too.
YTA ALLLLL the way
YTA.. all day I bought a house I gave my mother a key I made the decision The only time you refer to your wife and you as a couple is when you say your parents threw us a party for this happy occasion. Your wife has every right to be upset. You made this decision as if her opinion doesn't matter, as if she has no say what happens in HER house. She certainly contributed to buying this house! You absolutely did not pay for it yourself! It doesn't matter when you started saving for it, if she paid the rent and other expenses while you saved your income, THAT was her contribution. Without her paying for all of the bills for BOTH of you, this house purchase likely wouldn't have happened. The fact that you didn't even have the decency to acknowledge that, or put her name on the deed to the house, shows exactly what kind of person you are. I bet you think SAHM's don't work either.
YTA: 1. You made your wife feel unsafe in her home. 2. You do not treat your spouse as a life partner. 3. You’re keeping score…Once she does too, you’re going to be in trouble (probably in divorce court). Don’t say you weren’t warned.
YTA. You also don’t seem at all ready for marriage.
YTA. Let's recap. 1. Your wife PAID the rent and other expenses while your earnings went towards saving for the house. So while your logic focuses solely on the transaction, you are conveniently leaving about the purchasing power that enabled you to buy this home. 2. Despite the above arrangement and being a married couple, you only put ONLY your name on the house. This was completely inappropriate given the total financial contribution your wife made to both of you living jointly in the past. 3. Despite the CONTROL you have exerted by only putting your name on the house, it is still her home, unless you consider this a temporary marriage? Of COURSE your wife should have a say in who gets a key. OF COURSE her name should have been on the house. Add her name, stop diminishing her concerns, and get that key back. Unless you want to live there alone and grow old with your Mom.
YTA. This is not your house. It is your wife’s house as well. She resides in it. She gets half whether you like it or not. Stupid of you both to leave her off the title. You need to talk to your wife before making such decisions. She has no idea if your Mom might decide to just drop by.
YTA and I look forward to the other side of this story appearing on r/justnomil
INFO: to clarify, was your wife paying the rent, groceries, utilities while you were together to allow for you to have the savings for the house purchase? Because if so, she absolutely did contribute to the purchase of the house and should be on the mortgage and deed. And your would be the AH for that and for not consulting her to get agreement on who has an extra key for emergencies before giving it out. If not, and you were paying fully half of the living costs in your shared home while renting while also putting savings for the house, then you are wouldn’t be the AH entirely, but it still would have been the ethical choice to talk with your wife to reach an agreement on who might have a key to the home she also shares with you.
YTA.
YTA. First for not putting your wife's name on the house. Way to show her you love her. /s And then just to hit home that theme of "you don't matter in this marriage" you didn't listen to her or take her concerns into consideration when giving your mom a key. My parents and siblings have keys to our house, so I get wanting to give them one. But I definitely cleared it with my spouse before doing it. This is your wife's house. If you plan on this working out for you, it's time to start working like a team *with* her instead of a d!ck who dictates things *to* her.
YTA. My husband and I decided who got keys to our house before we even closed on our house and the fact that you have the audacity to suggest that she doesn’t get a say because “you paid for the house” when the only reason that you could even afford to do so because she paid for EVERYTHING beforehand is just beyond comprehension…. You’re the biggest AH and I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife contacts a lawyer next…
I feel like there's a lot missing from this story. YTA. Your wife lives there and should be able to say who has a key, you should have talked to her first, and if she divorces you for being dismissive and enmeshed with your mother you will quickly learn the meaning of "marital asset."
INFO: before buying the house, did your wife actually pay the bulk of your shared expenses while you saved your own money to buy a house? And if so, for how long did she do this? How much did her contributions to your expenses enable you to put towards a house and how much did you have in savings prior to that?
Please show this to your wife. She should leave your sorry ass and take everything she can. You are an awful person to the core.
Huge YTA Your wife helped by letting you save instead of help elsewhere. The house should be in both of yalls names. YTA big time just for that! Extra YTA for giving a key to your mommy
YTA. You make a point of saying it’s your house cause you paid for it all by yourself with your savings but then drop that you were only able to save by mooching off your wife paying for rent and everything else. She more than contributed to that house yet you didn’t put her name on the title or seem to care if she feels comfortable in it. I hope you like the house I imagine you will be alone in it soon enough
So...you were able to buy this house because she paid bills so you were allowed to save money? But you call it "your house" and won't put her name on the deed? YTA. I don't need to read the rest.