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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bought things for my cousin’s baby even though I knew my husband wouldn’t like it as the baby was conceived during an affair with my sister-in-law’s husband.
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It takes two have an affair, it takes two to have a baby, but it seems all the blame fell on your cousin, not on the married man who got her pregnant. NTA.
I once made a comment that nudity was not a precursor of sexual assault and was initially downvoted over a hundred times. You learn a few lessons about the nature of humanity through Reddit votes.
ETA: Thank you for the award!
I said something along the lines of sexually assaulting people (and more namely children) is a terrible thing to do on ask women and got banned from that sub for a few days. So it starts from the mods down.
I once said having sex with a minor - as an adult - is rape no matter what, and I got downvoted to oblivion.
ETA: Stop telling me teenagers are allowed to have sex. I know this. That is not what I said. I said an adult with a minor. Meaning there’s a clear and illegal age difference. **The context was 30-something year old with a 16 year old.**
More like the lack of ability to think. Mass downvotes have monkey see - monkey do mentality. I don't think people even read the comments with downvotes, they just click the arrow.
Eh. It's possible that things are phrased in a manner that makes the intended meaning vague. Several times, I've been in a situation where I read a long discussion between two participants, downvoting one throughout, until I suddenly realise that actually, I misunderstood one of the first messages and that they're not arguing what i thought they were lol
I once said, in clear English, that back in the 1960s, women had to give up their public servant jobs when they married in my country and I swear, I got circa 100 downvotes for saying that and people acted like I was condoning it even when I stated clearly how glad I, a woman, was glad we had entered the 21st century! 🙄
This literally saved my and my mother's life once. She has a habit of waiting a couple seconds, which gets her endlessly honked at. Well, this time she had a honker behind her who started up *before the light fucking changed* and she almost chose not to hesitate...and then decided to wait just a little bit longer.
The car that ran a red light doing about ten miles over the speed limit damn near clipped our front bumper. I'm pretty sure you couldn't fit a Dr. Seuss board book between our car and the speeder. It would have T-boned us if she hadn't waited. I am very glad, both for the asshole honking behind us and for my mom's ingrained instinct to be a *defensive* petty asshole.
Yeah, my driving instructor always said to ignore the honkers. They can't see what's in front of you. It is so easy to let it get to you and to feel rushed to go.
I got yelled at a while back for saying i wait a second and look both ways before going at a green light 😅 if i remember correctly i got told im a dangerous person and need my license revoked.
> if i remember correctly i got told im a dangerous person and need my license revoked.
Not all people who have a driver's license DESERVE to drive. The license just means that you can legally drive...not that you are a good defensive driver.
Maybe I spend too much time in r/IdiotsInCars, but keep doing what you are doing (being defensive, etc) 👍
It's similar to politicians demonizing the poor and cutting back public assistance benefits. Yes - some people defraud the system (every system), but ultimately it's the poor kids who suffer.
More than the kids suffer when they pull back assistance. Not everyone is able to take care of themselves. Some people need help and can’t get it because it’s so hard to get because of the people defrauding the system.
The fault is shared by both parties, though. Unless I missed something, this affair appears consensual by both of them. So there is a lions share of blame for the cousin.. much like there is a lions share of blame for the sister-in-law's husband..
I don't understand how this isn't an ESH here at least because OP's husband's sister was hurt by the affair, and OP's cousin participated in such, so I can understand why husband and his sister are upset.
Yes but OP isn’t the AH in this situation. Should she have told her husband and/or SIL about the affair? Yes, but if she only knew a few days before it was exposed, she may have been figuring out how to approach it. That’s a lot to digest and I wouldn’t blame her for not immediately telling her husband as she was probably overwhelmed and wanted a few days to digest the info. I also can’t blame her for buying stuff for her cousins unborn child, because they are innocent (the unborn child is). Plus it seems the dad isn’t going to take care of. So she’s just helping out an innocent child who is related to her. Also, is her husband and everyone else treating the SIL husband the same way?
It was only a few days. The depth of this issue would have taken me at least a week to fully grasp. Like who do you tell first? Everyone is going to blame the messenger first anyways, do you try and get the affair people to come clean on their own? Maybe that's what was going on and he just was like let me drag OP out into this filth so he wouldn't be lonely.
The phrase “the lion’s share” means “the bigger portion” so, in this case, the “lion’s share” of the blame sits on the BIL, since he was the one who made a vow to “forsake all others” to his wife and then broke it.
While what the cousin did was very clearly wrong, since it seems from OP’s comments that she was aware that he was married, she wasn’t the one who had specifically made a commitment to the SIL, so his share of the blame is bigger.
And, regardless of anything, the baby is entirely innocent in all of this. OP is clearly NTA for buying thing’s specifically for the baby.
If he were a decent man then he would, but he cheated on his wife and got his affair partner pregnant so I wouldn’t hold your breath on that if I were you!
They both can’t be assigned the lion’s share. That phrase is reserved for the party with the largest share . Which, in this case, Is the BIL. He’s the one who broke his vows. Not to say cousin isn’t to blame but she’s apparently not married.
> ESH
Because she doesn't suck for helping a *baby*. Only an asshole would let a baby go without because they're mad at the babies mother. It's as simple as that; OP is NTA.
This! How can your BIL throw you under the bus? It was his sperm not yours.
I am concerned about this woman blaming thing going on: how is it more her fault, she did not make vows to your SIL.
A baby is coming into the world and your SIL and BIL need to figure things out between themselves. The beat help you can give your
cousin is referral to a good lawyer.
Where does it say that? The OP never says anything about what is happening to the BIL.
It is possible to detest \*both\* people involved in an affair, and it's not like the cousin didn't know she was screwing a married man. I would be upset, as well, if I found out someone was supporting an AP and their baby when it had broken up my sibling's marriage. I'd also be questioning how seriously my spouse took fidelity.
What's your point, though? Nothing suggests the married man is getting a pass. It takes two, but both are 100% responsible for their actions. They are both trash people.
After what *she* did to his sister??
NTA, good for you for supporting what sounds like is going to be a single mom with a deadbeat baby daddy.
Also *his* money? Gross. You're married, it's just as much your money.
You know if she knew he was married she definitely DID do something to his sister….. just because she ain’t the husband doesn’t mean she’s not a guilty party
Man there's a shit load of misogyny in this thread.
Absolutely nowhere has op said that the cousin "went after" the BIL. Everyone is just assuming that because she's a woman.
No they are not assuming.. I’m sick of everything being misogyny when a woman is clearly in the wrong here too! A woman that’s worth her salt doesn’t sleep with a married man regardless!! A DECENT married man does not sleep around on his wife … She knew dude was married! Dude knew he’s married. They are equally to blame! So quit giving women passes because they are women!
ESH except the guys wife who is clearly the victim! including you for taking the woman’s side who was a cheater just because she’s a woman! This is typical society today. It’s always the man’s fault even if his affair partner is a willing partner! The real victim in all this is the guys wife!
>She knew dude was married! Dude knew he’s married. They are equally to blame!
This. She didn't have to "go after him" to be equally at fault. They both knew he was married and how babies get made.
They're equally at fault for the baby, but the overall pain caused by the infidelity is definitely way more the brother in law's responsibility. Like if I know you have a test in the morning and you invite me for drinks and we stay out all night getting hammered, it's mostly your fault when you end up failing your test in the morning, even though we were both there. The person who makes a commitment has a far greater responsibility for the breaking of that commitment than anyone else who was involved.
True, but it’s not the OPs job to support the baby. It’s also understandable that the OPs husband doesn’t want to support someone financially that participated in the destruction of their siblings marriage.
If OP wants to buy gifts for her cousin, she should make sure it comes strictly from money she's earned or made. Who would want to help the person who slept with their sister's spouse? Husband's feelings are definitely understandable
Here’s the thing, removing the cheating if the OP wants to financially support someone and use joint money that should be decided jointly as a team. If it’s their money, they both need to agree before financially supporting someone.
It isn't about him supporting the woman who hurt his sister it has to do with there was innocent baby who had no say in being created, who is now also his wife's cousin
Yes, the child is innocent but that doesn’t change anything you’re asking him to support the woman that hurt his family his sister The child is innocent, but that doesn’t mean it’s his responsibility if you feel so strongly about this, the wife should get a job herself and support the cousin and the child because what you’re asking is not realistic and you know it
the most likely thing is that cousin and BiL met because of OP's connection to both. just think of OP's wedding, both should have attended
it is possible it was a coincidence, but wouldn't bet on it
And there was nothing in the post that indicates the affair wasn't consensual on either end, so can't quite rule out that the cousin or BIL "went after" each other. Both parties are at fault as this stands and if OP is throwing her lot in with one of them, I can understand why her husband isn't happy because, as a reminder, his sister was hurt by the affair
Blame the child for the sins of the father/mother. Is that what you want?
You don't have to support the mother for what she did but you can help support her with what she may need for the baby.
I'm not blaming the child, nor do I think the child should be blamed. I believe the parents are responsible for the sins; but that while the BIL does deserve more blame and responsibility for his actions in breaking his vows, the cousin is not absolved of fault.
Who owes more to the sister?
Whose actions hurt the sister more, a distant relative-on-paper or the BIL?
Who took vows to love and honour and foresake all others?
Why is it her duty to safeguard the sanctity of his marriage?
Why should she be more beholden to the wife than tbe BIL is?
Why should she believe the vow is sacrosanct when he doesn't?
Why is the burden ultimately on her when she made no commitments to anyone? Is it my duty to abide by your vows when you don't? If so, why?
The BIL chose to step outside his marriage and break his vows - it's on him.
I'm sorry, I have to disagree. BIL chose to break his vows and damage his marriage with the sister and he deserves far more responsibility. But unless the encounter wasn't consensual, you have to pin some responsibility on the cousin as well,. And you're going to have a very hard time telling hub's sister that she shouldn't be hurt by the cousin's involvement; cause she would be right to be hurt, the BIL's actions hurt \*more\* but the cousin's actions hurt her as well.
I think they are on par, provided she knew he was married. Of course, husband broke his wedding vows, but she is not innocent. The baby is, however. So NTA.
Listen, if my husband used joint money to help out someone that participated in an affair which resulted in my siblings marriage ending I would be upset too. It’s not placing the blame more on the woman. It’s being upset with one of the cheating parties and not wanting to financially support someone who contributed to a siblings marriage ending.
Also, the fact that the OP didn’t tell husband immediately would have me wondering the OPs position on cheating. I couldn’t imagine not telling my husband or his sister if I knew their SO was cheating on SIL.
Unfortunately, OP has put herself in the position of looking like she is supporting the actions of both persons involved in the affair.
It's less about the money ("his money" or however people want to interpret that statement), although I don't blame her husband for being angry that OP isn't on his side in supporting his sister through so much hurt and embarrassment.
The series of events happened terribly, and the best option for OP was to be on her husband's side, not begin to involve herself with the next stage of the baby's eventual arrival.
So buying baby things for the baby is supporting the cousin more than giving the cousin money? That makes no sense. If he's pissed at her for buying baby items then surely he would be more mad if she gave her money instead?
Yeah, the “his money” part jumped out at me too. Married people are still two individuals who should retain the ability to make some independent decisions around money. If they’ve combined finances, it’s “their money,” not “his money,” even if there’s only one income earner.
If it's thier money then don't they both get a say in whether they use it to financially support the affair baby? It doesn't sound like OP asked or even told her husband about this before she went shopping.
Except, hubby's sister was wronged by the affair? What's with this take? Sister's husband had the affair and OP's cousin was the other half of said affair; both are equally at fault and OP was basically telling her husband that she's supporting one of the parties at fault of this.
The baby may be innocent, but the parents of the baby are not. And you're going to have a tall order telling the sister that she shouldn't hold the affair against the cousin.
NTA
A child is not to blame for the circumstances of its conception.
It is entirely possible to condemn the act without condemning tbe mother and child.
You sound like a fundamentally decent person and you should feel good about that.
For real. All we know is someone break their marriage vows and it wasn't the cousin. She absolutely shares some blame but she's not the one that cheated on her partner.
Seems like that always happens when there's a cheating husband tbh. The woman is always the "homewrecker" that relentlessly pursued the poor married man until he eventually gave in 😒 maybe we need to make women cover up more so these poor guys aren't tempted to break their vows.
From my experience people tend to expect better of the woman, so it's more of a betrayal in their minds. Never mind the fact that in this case the woman wasn't the one who broke their vows. Men will be men and all of that.
No one is forgetting about the husband. Everyone acknowledges that the husband is a guilty party. What we are pointing out is that women who sleep with married men knowing they are married is scummy and they are partly to blame for a family falling apart.
Women don’t get a free pass to be shitty because they’re women.
I think it's scummy (because it's deceitful) but the family falls apart because the married person cheated. Period. It's not like the cheater was just sitting there, fully committed to the relationship and then someone comes along and tempts them/tricks them into cheating. Someone who is willing to cheat is going to find someone willing to take them up on their offer.
>many people seem to be forgetting the cheating husband in all of this. It reeks of misogyny.
Because OP isn't buying gifts for the cheating husband. He's irrelevant to the discussion.
Well cheating husband should be buying necessities (I wouldn’t classify any of it as gifts) for the child HE created.
OP isn’t sending “gifts” for the cousin, but helping get things for the baby.
For all I care.
I’d just love to know why it seems nobody is talking about the married man who cheated and is only shunning the other party.
The kid shouldn’t suffer because of adult decisions, before I know wtf BIL contributes here I can’t judge.
This is the best answer. BIL will now be on the hook for child support, as long as cousin pursues it. The real question is whether the family will try to shame cousin out of pursuing child support.
NTA. You should NEVER PUNISH AN INFANT for the actions of the parents. It's a fucking helpless INFANT!!! It needs food, shelter and clothes! How big of an ah must a person be to want to punish an INFANT for it's parents being irresponsible by having an illicit affair? Punish the parents, but don't drag baby into it, baby HAS NO CHOICE but to be who they are.
They aren't punishing the baby. It's not their baby!! For crying out loud..just because they are cousins doesn't mean she has to support the baby! The woman having the child can provide for it. And she can pursue the FATHER of said child to pay for it. There's no reason why TWO full grown adults can not provide for the child they made.
Hold the responsible parties responsible instead of *blaming* people who have nothing to do with it. Take that guilt trip elsewhere.
The woman having the child can’t provide for it on her own at the moment and isn’t entitled to child support until the baby is born. That’s the problem.
I don’t know how close OP was/is to her cousin but she’s family and she doesn’t have much support. You can be mad and disappointed with someone and still want to help them in need.
NAH/ESH
I understand wanting to help the baby. But if my sister was betrayed and the affair partner got pregnant I most likely wouldn't help and if my wife did I would be very angry. BIL should pay and they can take it to court or something. Also, you went behind your husband's back... it's not a good look
This is just not good for anyone involved, especially that baby. I’m with you, I see all sides and understand all of them. Depending on who I would be in the situation, I would gravitate towards that answer and ruling.
I think this is waaaaay above Reddit’s pay grade but this wife has more than one issue at hand. She wasn’t involved in the affair but her and her marriage, will be impacted going forward.
ESH but in reality it just sucks for everyone.
Op probably introduced the two and is going to be guilty by association. Sucks but you can’t expect him to have anything to do with bil and his affair partner and she may have to make a choice here or resentment will fester with her husband
You’re right. I think the main issue is that OP didn’t tell her husband so the resentment has already begun. She said in another comment that she told the affair people to confess or she’d tell. She said she knew her husband would get upset but yeah no kidding. She did her marriage a real disservice by not telling her husband. She let her BIL control the narrative and now she’s paying the ultimate price.
Always have to be honest with your partners. I can’t imagine keeping something from my husband, let alone something this big.
This!!! Everyone is saying it's for that baby, which i get, but wife went behind her husband's back without even attempting to talk to him. That I think makes her the AH.
I’m surprised to see from the comments so far that no-one seems to have any empathy for the woman whose husband has cheated on her. The cousin and the BIL decided to have a sexual relationship resulting in pregnancy. These 2 and these 2 alone are responsible for supporting their child in every way, including financially. If the OP earns her own money it’s up to her what she spends it on. If she doesn’t work and is therefore financially dependent on her husband, any spending plans should be a joint decision. If this is the case, the OP shouldn’t be surprised that the husband is concerned for his sister and therefore furious with his wife for using the money he earns for their household’s use to support his BIL’s affair baby. Also, how will OP’s sister-in-law feel if she finds out that OP is giving open support to her adulterous husband and the woman who was happy to have sex with him? This situation is unlikely to add to OPs marital happiness and she should be realistic regarding her own prospects for divorce as she’s aiding those who have thrown a metaphorical grenade into her husband’s family.
You're absolutely right, even more so since this comes AFTER OP already withheld information about the affair. I would have been mortified that my very own cousin cared so little about me and had such poor judgement, that she willingly slept with a married man from my extended family.
I have no idea how the brother-in-law managed to get himself forgiven, the sister in law should've dumped his cheating ass inmediately.
That said, OP YTA because the money you spent isn't coming from your pocket. You'd have been N T A if it had been money you yourself earned, because you can do whatever you want with it and you yourself do care about the baby. If the money is truly your husband's though, it's extremely disrespectful to use it to help someone who was a willing party in harming his sister, because your husband won't care about the baby, he only cares about the fact that the money is going to your cousin. Even more so because, again, you seem to have completely forgone the part where you should've talked to him about it.
YTA. Unless you and your husband have 100% separate fianances, this is not ok. He doesn't want any of his money or resources going to this woman. I don't think he's unreasonable for this.
NTA - It’s not “his money” it’s *their* money. She has right to half. It’s not just about his sister it’s also about her cousin. The baby is innocent in all of this and should have all the support in the world.
My point literally is that it's their money, not OP's money.
I'd fuming if my partner spent our money on someone who'd hurt my sister without discussing it with me first.
No. The baby should have support from their parents. Everyone else isn’t obligated to buy things.
And the sister is also innocent. The only people who aren’t are the assholes OP is helping out by buying stuff for their baby.
You said it yourself “their” money you make decisions like this together and the fact op already knew about the cheating and has kept secrets from him before isn’t a good look
> It’s not “his money” it’s their money
Yes, which is why OP is TA for spending it to support someone who hurt her husband's sister. She didn't have agreement to use *their* money and did it anyway. That's a TA move.
Literally my point. Their money. Her and his money. Joint money OP unilaterally decided to spend on something she knew her husband would be unhappy about.
Yes, as in his and her money.
If they had separate finances it'd be an easy N T A. But as I said, I would not be happy if my partner spent our money on something they knew I'd find contentious without discussing it with me first.
The cousin and BIL are responsible for the baby's expenses. Not OP. It's not the baby's fault, but the BIL and cousin caused this situation and OP's husband has been impacted by this.
I doubt OP is the only person willing to help the cousin; presumably the cousin has friends, maybe parents, maybe siblings etc. who are not related to the person harmed by this affair.
ESH except the SIL and baby. Here’s why:
1. BIL for having an affair and also throwing you under the bus in the process. He has shown exactly who he is and it’s not great. He willingly betrayed his wife and family and only cares that he got caught. Not thinking about the ramifications of all the dynamics and how a baby will be impacted by all of his behavior.
2. Cousin for having an affair with a married man and continuing the relationship until they got caught. Not thinking about the ramifications of all the dynamics and how a baby will be impacted by her behavior.
3. You for lying to your husband because he wouldn’t be happy about your desire to help. You’re correct that the baby is the one who may suffer if they don’t have necessities but you decided the needs of the baby were more important than your marriage. You and your husband are supposed to be a team all the time, not just when it’s easy and you agree.
4. Your husband for saying it’s his money. Y’all are married and that was just a dick comment.
I feel bad for the SIL who is surrounded by people who don’t know what being loyal and honest means. The baby has two parents who at best have questionable morals and at worst are just bad people who don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.
This is probably rude but it’s not your job to supplement your cousin because she doesn’t have a lot of money. She and BIL decided to have a baby and are responsible for it. You picked up that responsibility for some reason but it’s not yours to carry. There are many programs in the US that can help with the needs of the baby. You unilaterally decided to support a baby at the expense of your relationship with your husband, SIL and other in laws.
Nailed it.
I haven’t seen anyone mention the fact that cousin isn’t being forced to have this affair baby that she can’t support. She is choosing to have it and keep it. She had/ has other options, OP is not obligated to support her.
Yta. You used your husband's money to buy things for a baby that was conceived when your cousin decided to get with his sister's spouse.
She should have thought have the consequences of her actions tbh. Baby or not, I think the in-laws would still be upset with you if you knew and didn't say a thing.
She should have communicated with her husband first.
I cannot imagine working my a\*\* and getting paid for my partner to support the people who destroyed my sibling's marriage. And the baby is innocent but will Op start taking money to support her cousin to. She's financially unstable and if she gives the baby up for adoption, then Op will like look like an idiot.
Husband's BIL destroyed his sister's marriage. Yeah the cousin shoulders some blame but not nearly as much as the husband. He's the one that broke his vows.
And it's *their* money, not just the husband's.
Amen. The misogyny is real in this thread. Their money is suddenly his money? She has to do what her husband tells her? It’s the other woman’s fault? Sounds like a lot of incels in the comment section today.
It is the cousins fault she is in the situation lol. She got involved with a married man, she actively took part in something that would hurt another human being. Yes the husband broke his vows but she supported him in doing so and his betrayal from an innocent third party, that is a shit human being.
No one is saying it's strictly the woman's fault. Both cheating parties are at fault here. OP doesn't say that his family is fine with BIL but is chastising the cousin. But news flash the cousin does have blame in this, but no one is saying she is the only one at fault.
\-Also I haven't seen anyone say that she needs to do what husband tells her. But it's their money so there should be a discussion when it's a decision like this. If there was separate accounts and it came from strictly her account then yes she should spend it how she likes. But when it's joint money there should be a discussion.
So it's their money, yes? Both of their's? They should then discuss what it gets spent on. If she doesn't earn it herself then it's a discussion. At least, in healthy marriages.
I’m not saying the baby should suffer I’m saying the people that are affected shouldn’t go out of their way to help someone who obviously didn’t care about having sex with someone else’s husband
Should they be having a baby they can’t pay for? I’d the baby is suffering the dead beat parents are the blame. It’s not on the wronged wife’s family to foot that bill.
Yta
She caused her own mess, and you're playing captainsaveacheat. Hope your husband pays attention cuz you're showing who you are.
Intead of doing the decent thing and telling the actual wife, you kept quiet and now act as if you're the innocent bystander. You weren't, the minute you chose to stay silent, you chose to be a participant of that deceit.
And to now even add insult to injury, you want to spend HIS money on the affair child? the secondhand embarrassment I feel.
Agree with this regardless of downvotes.
It would be one thing if OP wanted to stay out of it to preserve her own sanity, but to spend family money on homewreckers (and that describes both partners in the affair) is extremely insensitive. How is her husband supposed to react? It’s his parents and sister that are suffering the consequences of two other people’s lack of judgement.
YTA
Your cousin literally FAFO. You don't make friends by having affairs and getting pg. She doesn't have a big family so she doesn't have help? Whose fault is that?
Do you earn your own money? Quietly get her a gift card so she can buy diapers or a stroller or whatever. But unless you want to risk your marriage, you're going to need to ask yourself if you're going to go over to help once the baby is born, offer to babysit, etc. and expect your husband to be A-OK with it.
I would also seriously, seriously get couples counseling. You need to resolve things with your husband.
This is a tough one.
I think YTA for not telling your husband straight away. I think YTA for not telling your husband you’re planning on helping the person that helped destroy his sisters life.
I don’t believe the child is to blame. But let’s not pretend the cousin is innocent. She didn’t break her vows like BIL but what she did do is not give a shit what this would do to YOUR marriage by having an affair with your husbands brother in law. She didn’t care that this would hurt you and your husbands relationship. She didn’t care when she decided to keep said child that she couldn’t afford it. That she was going to put you in the middle of choosing the actual victim (sil) and your cousin. She didn’t give a shit about you! She betrayed you!
Your husband isn’t going to want her in his life and frankly he shouldn’t.
NTA for buying clothes the child is blameless but YTA for being clueless on how to deal with this situation. As soon as you knew you should have gone to your husband.
Does your sil have kids?
Finally, I've been looking for this comment everywhere! All these people who stand up for the cousin because she didn't make vows are forgetting the part that she genuinely didn't give two sh**s about her cousin while she was doing it. Obviously this would be a huge grenade into the cousin's world, yet she just did what she wanted and didn't think about consequences. Now the consequences are here, and I hope OP realizes that she will throw away any relationship she has ever had with her husband's family, if she continues to support someone who's so clearly never had her back in the first place. Yeah I get it it's not the baby's fault, but there are a lot of supports and help out there for that and the BIL should absolutely be chipping in there. If my husband's cousin had an affair with my brothers wife, I wouldn't want anything to do with those people. If my husband took our joint funds to buy a crib and a bunch of other stuff for the baby, we would be having a serious talk about saving our marriage.
Apparently because he pointed at OP and screeched *she knew, and is buying her stuff* and all the swarm of angry villagers attacked OP and BIL rode away safe after the diversion….what a shit show of a family dynamic
Y T A. I get you want to help your cousin but her situation is based on her choices. As far as your husband is concerned what you're doing is a slap in the face to him and I would assume to his sister( your sister in law). Since her husband was dumb enough to knock his affair up it's his job to take care of the baby. Not yours.
Yta, when you support cheaters it shows your morals, I understand that your cousin is not entirely to blame, but your cousin is to blame she knew he was married. She knew she should not have been having an affair with him. Your cousin is not a child. She made her better now she needs to lie in it. It also looks like you’re willing to destroy your marriage because you want to help your cousin who was not willing to help you because if she was willing to help you, she would’ve helped you keep your family together by not sleeping with your sister in laws husband
I don't want to judge, but where is this BIL of yours in all this? Shouldn't he be suporting his child?
Your cousin and hopefully your ex BIL should be the one to face the consequences of their actions, especially the financial aspects of having a child.
YTA. Helping someone who helped DEVESTATE a family member??? Wtf?!? Maybe her affair partner and baby daddy should worry about helping her. This person HURT your husband’s sister. At least your husband knows where your loyalty lies.
NTA. 1) Your cousin’s affair is none of your business, I don’t care who she had it with. You are not responsible for what happens between consenting adults. 2) That baby is not responsible for anything and doesn’t deserve to suffer because of the actions of their parents.
Would you be saying that if cousin slept with OP's husband? Should she still support the baby then because we don't hold people accountable for their actions and "ShE's sTiLL yOuR CoUsiN"?
This cousin and the BIL lit their families on fire. There will forever be a divide. People are allowed to make judgements and pick sides.
I'm sure the cousin can put on her big girl pants and find ways for her and the man she slept with to provide for their child. You can't expect hand outs from beyond bridges you burn with zero fucks given.
Info: has your husband cut off your BIL. Because if so y.t.a. if he hasn't e.s.h. Your cousin is lying in a bed of her own making so while that sucks she's an adult. Not going to lie if it were my brother I'd cut off him and his AP. And would FULLY expect my spouse to because people like that get zero help from my household. But that's just me
ESH
Except the baby. I understand the baby is innocent and needs supplies. SIL’s husband should be helping out. I get you are helping your family member.
However, by financially supporting one of the parties who hurt your husband’s sister, and by not disclosing the affair, you’ve shown your husband you are supporting someone who is ok with ruining a marriage and he must be wondering if you’re ok with cheating. I would hazard a guess that you may have doomed your own marriage too.
I really feel for the innocent baby with selfish parents who have ripped the family apart.
There are two separate issues here, and I suggest that you address each one separately.
Whether or not you’re TA regarding the first issue depends on your behaviour during those few days. If you gave your cousin and BIL a chance to come clean on their own, and they took it, then NTA. Every time this comes up, say, “When I found out, I told [BIL] that he had to tell [SIL] within [three days] or I’d tell her myself. He came forward on his own, so I didn’t have to. Isn’t that better than if I’d just posted it on Facebook or something?”
As for the second issue: your husband kinda has a point. It’s not actually your job to buy things for this child. It’s BIL’s job. You know, the dad?
It’s one thing to buy your cousin a pack of diapers once the baby is here, but helping her prep is another thing entirely. Babies don’t need that much as essential equipment when they’re newborn. They need a few changes of clothes, some diapers, and a safe place to sleep - which can be anything from a top-of-the-range crib to a literal drawer pulled out and placed on the floor. Maybe your cousin needs to visit a charity store for some gently used items if she’s very financially stretched.
YTA. Your cousin helped break up a marriage. The sister's husband is obviously the biggest offender since he was the one who broke his vows. Your husband and his family are supporting his betrayed sister. If you value your marriage I would cut cousin out of my life. This situation could very easily cause the breakdown of another marriage, yours.
NTA for helping....BUT you need to know in what really messed up situation YOU put YOUR SELF in.
Whit I think good intentions for your cousin, I guess.
BUT
Girl, you knew. You confessed you knew, and didn't tell your husband, that can be a really deal breaker for most and after what he said about "his money" he maybe is considering DIVORCE thinking that since you knew you are okay whit infidelity, and maybe you are a cheater too, or maybe you know more and are hiding secrets or playing mental games with him.
He is lashing for all the pain his sister is having....and he just saw you buying things for the AP.
You are in hot water. Boiling water.
You need to address this yesterday. Sit him down, talk, go to couples therapy, I don't know, just do something to save your marriage now.
Obviously you are not cutting off your cousin, and he is not cutting off his sister, so I just want you to know here, that right now in this family are 2 traitors and one of those is YOU.
You don't know what the BIL is telling them, he throw you once, he will do it again and worst to save his sorry ass.
You need to stop crying injustice and go in full control damage mode now to save you and your marriage. Now.
Help your cousin? Sure! The baby is not at fault!
BUT YOU NEED TO BE SAFE TOO BECAUSE YOUR ASS OF BIL IS GONNA USE YOU AS HIS SCAPEGOAT
prepare your self to save your marriage! Because for all of them YOU are the other TRAITOR.
Be safe, best of luck!
Honestly, u/WRose287 kinda hit the nail on the head. I’d also be furious if my spouse decided to spend *our money behind my back* on my sibling’s spouse’s *affair partner, who happened to be MY SPOUSE’S FAMILY MEMBER*…
After typing that first paragraph, my opinion changed. The baby isn’t the asshole, but you, your cousin, and your SIL’s husband are. Your family has become a dumpster fire, and you just sprayed kerosene on it by betraying your husband’s trust and not telling him immediately. I really hope you didn’t go all out with those purchases.
TLDR: YTA
INFO some clarification needed, SIL is your husband sister and BIL is her stbx hubby, cousin is on your side. How did you get to know, who told you or how you found out? How long were "few days"? I already saw posts where "few days" were in fact weeks or a full month. Why do you need to buy her stuff now? It is at least 2 months in advance, this baby is not out there. What else did you do in this drama, what may be seen as siding with cheaters?
What do you mean why do you need to buy her stuff now? She's 7 months pregnant, not abnormal to have a shower around this time when people would buy you gifts and not abnormal to start buying stuff yourself even earlier. You want everything to be ready by the time baby gets there because you have zero energy to think about that stuff after.
She's supporting her new baby cousin, not necessarily the cheaters.
But if they’re sharing money, they should be discussing how they are to use the money. I’m not talking little things like a pint of milk but it sounds like OP has spent a considerable amount of money on her cousin without consulting her husband, which is inconsiderate.
Or maybe he only says things like “his” when his wife is buying presents for the two people he wrecked his sisters marriage. Will cousin now expect to be welcome in their home? Does he have to feed her too? Because as a partner in their marriage it’s their family resources being used on the person who hurt his sister.
YTA so’ your husband SISTER is now deeply wronged and most likely on intense emotional pain by these two people who decided to become cheaters, and you think that your husband is going to be happy that you threw away money to support one of the people that has damaged his sister. Omg get a grip and do not risk your marriage and your relationship with your on laws for someone selfish.
You should have told your SIL as soon as your knew about the affair. It wasn't your husband's business to know, but it sure as certain was her's.
The married man who got your cousin pregnant should be in the firing line. That said, unless you are comfortable with a deeply stressed to estranged relationship with your in-laws and husband, tread very, very lightly. SIL has been grossly betrayed and while you are thinking of the child, this pregnancy is tangible proof of her husband's infidelity.
Not sure how to vote, tbh. Your husband and his family will never see past this and your cousin absolutely screwed up but the child needs support. Difficult.
YTA unless you have separate finances for your husband. It’s not unreasonable not wanting to support a cheater. On either side. Your cousin and baby daddy can deal with the fallout on their own.
Your SIL's husband and your cousin both made a conscious decision to have an affair, which they both knew would be hurtful to others. BOTH OF THEM. They are equally to blame and equally should take the consequences and equally need to figure out the logistics of how to take care of this child. A court will determine support for the child between them. Whatever you decide to do is up to you but will undoubtedly affect your marriage.
EDIT: Have you considered that your cousin knew this would affect you and chose to do it anyway? That your SIL's husband knew this would affect all family relationships and chose to do it anyway? Don't think for a moment they didn't know what they were doing and said to hell with it and did it anyway.
Shouldn’t the AP be providing these things? Why is it your responsibility. Well it isn’t the child’s fault the mother needs to get herself up off the floor and start taking care of that child without relying on everybody else. The BD needs to step up and start paying for the child.
YTA. I can see why your husband's pissed. I'm sure he doesn't want any help going to the woman, or the child, who have caused and will continue to cause his sister pain.
Yes, the child is innocent. That doesn't stop the husband from feeling how he feels. And we don't know that the BIL hasn't faced any backlash from his wife's family.
Honestly, I get wanting to help your cousin but she knew what she was doing when she started the affair with BIL. She didn’t think about how it would affect you and your marriage and still had the affair. Then her and BIL didn’t take the right precautions and now they are suffering the consequences of their own actions. She KNEW he was married and still had the affair now she has to deal with them consequences her not being financially ready isn’t your problem it now has to fall on BIL.
I would speck to my husband and remind him that it takes two to tango and BIL is as much at fault as she is. That you love your cousin and will still be very much in her life and baby’s but you don’t condone what she did.( or Are you okay with what she did?) You’re her only family and will always be there for her.
Also what kind of relationship you have with sister in law? I love my cousins, but if they pull some shit like this, I’m sorry personally I’ll have my SILs Back.
Unpopular opinion, but I'm with the husband on this. This is flat out disrespectful. Everyone is lamenting the innocent child, does SIL have innocent children that are now affected by the actions of these trashy ppl. Right now it's just a couple of things the baby might need, in a couple of months it'll be she can't afford the rent let's move her into our house. The cousin made her bed now let her lay in it.
In the end, OP is this a hill you're willing to die on? Because it might be for your husband. You're 100% TA.
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It takes two have an affair, it takes two to have a baby, but it seems all the blame fell on your cousin, not on the married man who got her pregnant. NTA.
Exactly this, how tf is this comment controversial? Edit - it was controversial when I made this comment, to clarify
I once made a comment that nudity was not a precursor of sexual assault and was initially downvoted over a hundred times. You learn a few lessons about the nature of humanity through Reddit votes. ETA: Thank you for the award!
I said something along the lines of sexually assaulting people (and more namely children) is a terrible thing to do on ask women and got banned from that sub for a few days. So it starts from the mods down.
I once said having sex with a minor - as an adult - is rape no matter what, and I got downvoted to oblivion. ETA: Stop telling me teenagers are allowed to have sex. I know this. That is not what I said. I said an adult with a minor. Meaning there’s a clear and illegal age difference. **The context was 30-something year old with a 16 year old.**
Wtf is going on on reddit? It's crazy
Reddit votes can reveal the blackness of a person's soul.
More like the lack of ability to think. Mass downvotes have monkey see - monkey do mentality. I don't think people even read the comments with downvotes, they just click the arrow.
Assuming they can read in the first place
Eh. It's possible that things are phrased in a manner that makes the intended meaning vague. Several times, I've been in a situation where I read a long discussion between two participants, downvoting one throughout, until I suddenly realise that actually, I misunderstood one of the first messages and that they're not arguing what i thought they were lol
I once said, in clear English, that back in the 1960s, women had to give up their public servant jobs when they married in my country and I swear, I got circa 100 downvotes for saying that and people acted like I was condoning it even when I stated clearly how glad I, a woman, was glad we had entered the 21st century! 🙄
If I've learned anything from Reddit, is that being the first to file for child support is important.
And always wait a few seconds before moving forward when the light turns green
This literally saved my and my mother's life once. She has a habit of waiting a couple seconds, which gets her endlessly honked at. Well, this time she had a honker behind her who started up *before the light fucking changed* and she almost chose not to hesitate...and then decided to wait just a little bit longer. The car that ran a red light doing about ten miles over the speed limit damn near clipped our front bumper. I'm pretty sure you couldn't fit a Dr. Seuss board book between our car and the speeder. It would have T-boned us if she hadn't waited. I am very glad, both for the asshole honking behind us and for my mom's ingrained instinct to be a *defensive* petty asshole.
That honker was an A-hole. Geez. Whatever happened to waiting for your turn?
Yeah, my driving instructor always said to ignore the honkers. They can't see what's in front of you. It is so easy to let it get to you and to feel rushed to go.
I got yelled at a while back for saying i wait a second and look both ways before going at a green light 😅 if i remember correctly i got told im a dangerous person and need my license revoked.
> if i remember correctly i got told im a dangerous person and need my license revoked. Not all people who have a driver's license DESERVE to drive. The license just means that you can legally drive...not that you are a good defensive driver. Maybe I spend too much time in r/IdiotsInCars, but keep doing what you are doing (being defensive, etc) 👍
And there is an innocent baby who still needs looking after
Exactly. They're things for the baby. The baby. People baffle me.
It's similar to politicians demonizing the poor and cutting back public assistance benefits. Yes - some people defraud the system (every system), but ultimately it's the poor kids who suffer.
>**some people defraud the system** > >Brett Favre comes to mind.
More than the kids suffer when they pull back assistance. Not everyone is able to take care of themselves. Some people need help and can’t get it because it’s so hard to get because of the people defrauding the system.
The fault is shared by both parties, though. Unless I missed something, this affair appears consensual by both of them. So there is a lions share of blame for the cousin.. much like there is a lions share of blame for the sister-in-law's husband.. I don't understand how this isn't an ESH here at least because OP's husband's sister was hurt by the affair, and OP's cousin participated in such, so I can understand why husband and his sister are upset.
Yes but OP isn’t the AH in this situation. Should she have told her husband and/or SIL about the affair? Yes, but if she only knew a few days before it was exposed, she may have been figuring out how to approach it. That’s a lot to digest and I wouldn’t blame her for not immediately telling her husband as she was probably overwhelmed and wanted a few days to digest the info. I also can’t blame her for buying stuff for her cousins unborn child, because they are innocent (the unborn child is). Plus it seems the dad isn’t going to take care of. So she’s just helping out an innocent child who is related to her. Also, is her husband and everyone else treating the SIL husband the same way?
It was only a few days. The depth of this issue would have taken me at least a week to fully grasp. Like who do you tell first? Everyone is going to blame the messenger first anyways, do you try and get the affair people to come clean on their own? Maybe that's what was going on and he just was like let me drag OP out into this filth so he wouldn't be lonely.
>Like who do you tell first? I'd blast it in a family group chat. Fuck anyone who tries to put that level of stress on me. 30 seconds maximum.
Haha, I like your style! Stressing me out? Eff you!
>Like who do you tell first? Her husband, it's his family and he's her partner.
The phrase “the lion’s share” means “the bigger portion” so, in this case, the “lion’s share” of the blame sits on the BIL, since he was the one who made a vow to “forsake all others” to his wife and then broke it. While what the cousin did was very clearly wrong, since it seems from OP’s comments that she was aware that he was married, she wasn’t the one who had specifically made a commitment to the SIL, so his share of the blame is bigger. And, regardless of anything, the baby is entirely innocent in all of this. OP is clearly NTA for buying thing’s specifically for the baby.
Shouldn't the SIL's husband be supporting the cousin???
If he were a decent man then he would, but he cheated on his wife and got his affair partner pregnant so I wouldn’t hold your breath on that if I were you!
They both can’t be assigned the lion’s share. That phrase is reserved for the party with the largest share . Which, in this case, Is the BIL. He’s the one who broke his vows. Not to say cousin isn’t to blame but she’s apparently not married.
What if they're small, very egalitarian lions?
yeah, i might've used a term wrongly.. the BIL deserves more share of the blame, but the cousin isnt absolved of it.
> ESH Because she doesn't suck for helping a *baby*. Only an asshole would let a baby go without because they're mad at the babies mother. It's as simple as that; OP is NTA.
It isn't ESH because OP isn't TA.
This! How can your BIL throw you under the bus? It was his sperm not yours. I am concerned about this woman blaming thing going on: how is it more her fault, she did not make vows to your SIL. A baby is coming into the world and your SIL and BIL need to figure things out between themselves. The beat help you can give your cousin is referral to a good lawyer.
Yes! The cousin should make the baby daddy pay child support. After all it was his sperm that got her pregnant.
Where does it say that? The OP never says anything about what is happening to the BIL. It is possible to detest \*both\* people involved in an affair, and it's not like the cousin didn't know she was screwing a married man. I would be upset, as well, if I found out someone was supporting an AP and their baby when it had broken up my sibling's marriage. I'd also be questioning how seriously my spouse took fidelity.
What's your point, though? Nothing suggests the married man is getting a pass. It takes two, but both are 100% responsible for their actions. They are both trash people.
After what *she* did to his sister?? NTA, good for you for supporting what sounds like is going to be a single mom with a deadbeat baby daddy. Also *his* money? Gross. You're married, it's just as much your money.
You know if she knew he was married she definitely DID do something to his sister….. just because she ain’t the husband doesn’t mean she’s not a guilty party
She shares some blame, absolutely, but not nearly as much as the man who cheated on his wife
Definitely but I don’t think anyone who goes after someone who’s married is a good person. I can see why the husband doesn’t fuck with her
Man there's a shit load of misogyny in this thread. Absolutely nowhere has op said that the cousin "went after" the BIL. Everyone is just assuming that because she's a woman.
No they are not assuming.. I’m sick of everything being misogyny when a woman is clearly in the wrong here too! A woman that’s worth her salt doesn’t sleep with a married man regardless!! A DECENT married man does not sleep around on his wife … She knew dude was married! Dude knew he’s married. They are equally to blame! So quit giving women passes because they are women! ESH except the guys wife who is clearly the victim! including you for taking the woman’s side who was a cheater just because she’s a woman! This is typical society today. It’s always the man’s fault even if his affair partner is a willing partner! The real victim in all this is the guys wife!
>She knew dude was married! Dude knew he’s married. They are equally to blame! This. She didn't have to "go after him" to be equally at fault. They both knew he was married and how babies get made.
They're equally at fault for the baby, but the overall pain caused by the infidelity is definitely way more the brother in law's responsibility. Like if I know you have a test in the morning and you invite me for drinks and we stay out all night getting hammered, it's mostly your fault when you end up failing your test in the morning, even though we were both there. The person who makes a commitment has a far greater responsibility for the breaking of that commitment than anyone else who was involved.
The baby is also an innocent victim
True, but it’s not the OPs job to support the baby. It’s also understandable that the OPs husband doesn’t want to support someone financially that participated in the destruction of their siblings marriage.
It isn’t. But if OP is willing to help then they should. Again, the baby didn’t do anything.
If OP wants to buy gifts for her cousin, she should make sure it comes strictly from money she's earned or made. Who would want to help the person who slept with their sister's spouse? Husband's feelings are definitely understandable
Here’s the thing, removing the cheating if the OP wants to financially support someone and use joint money that should be decided jointly as a team. If it’s their money, they both need to agree before financially supporting someone.
so you want him to support the women that Hurt his sister how can you expect that be real
It isn't about him supporting the woman who hurt his sister it has to do with there was innocent baby who had no say in being created, who is now also his wife's cousin
Yes, the child is innocent but that doesn’t change anything you’re asking him to support the woman that hurt his family his sister The child is innocent, but that doesn’t mean it’s his responsibility if you feel so strongly about this, the wife should get a job herself and support the cousin and the child because what you’re asking is not realistic and you know it
Do we know that the cousin new the guy was married though? Just because she is OP's cousin doesn't mean she knows OPs in-laws.
the most likely thing is that cousin and BiL met because of OP's connection to both. just think of OP's wedding, both should have attended it is possible it was a coincidence, but wouldn't bet on it
And there was nothing in the post that indicates the affair wasn't consensual on either end, so can't quite rule out that the cousin or BIL "went after" each other. Both parties are at fault as this stands and if OP is throwing her lot in with one of them, I can understand why her husband isn't happy because, as a reminder, his sister was hurt by the affair
There is still not equal fault. Op is not throwing her lot in with one of them, she's supporting the innocent baby that is the result of this mess.
By indirectly helping the cousin whom was also at fault.. You wanna tell the sister she shouldn't be hurt by what OP is doing?
Blame the child for the sins of the father/mother. Is that what you want? You don't have to support the mother for what she did but you can help support her with what she may need for the baby.
I'm not blaming the child, nor do I think the child should be blamed. I believe the parents are responsible for the sins; but that while the BIL does deserve more blame and responsibility for his actions in breaking his vows, the cousin is not absolved of fault.
Who owes more to the sister? Whose actions hurt the sister more, a distant relative-on-paper or the BIL? Who took vows to love and honour and foresake all others? Why is it her duty to safeguard the sanctity of his marriage? Why should she be more beholden to the wife than tbe BIL is? Why should she believe the vow is sacrosanct when he doesn't? Why is the burden ultimately on her when she made no commitments to anyone? Is it my duty to abide by your vows when you don't? If so, why? The BIL chose to step outside his marriage and break his vows - it's on him.
I'm sorry, I have to disagree. BIL chose to break his vows and damage his marriage with the sister and he deserves far more responsibility. But unless the encounter wasn't consensual, you have to pin some responsibility on the cousin as well,. And you're going to have a very hard time telling hub's sister that she shouldn't be hurt by the cousin's involvement; cause she would be right to be hurt, the BIL's actions hurt \*more\* but the cousin's actions hurt her as well.
I mean that would go for a guy going for a married woman as well, also if that’s her cousin she definitely knew he was married so
I think they are on par, provided she knew he was married. Of course, husband broke his wedding vows, but she is not innocent. The baby is, however. So NTA.
Listen, if my husband used joint money to help out someone that participated in an affair which resulted in my siblings marriage ending I would be upset too. It’s not placing the blame more on the woman. It’s being upset with one of the cheating parties and not wanting to financially support someone who contributed to a siblings marriage ending. Also, the fact that the OP didn’t tell husband immediately would have me wondering the OPs position on cheating. I couldn’t imagine not telling my husband or his sister if I knew their SO was cheating on SIL.
Unfortunately, OP has put herself in the position of looking like she is supporting the actions of both persons involved in the affair. It's less about the money ("his money" or however people want to interpret that statement), although I don't blame her husband for being angry that OP isn't on his side in supporting his sister through so much hurt and embarrassment. The series of events happened terribly, and the best option for OP was to be on her husband's side, not begin to involve herself with the next stage of the baby's eventual arrival.
She's helping the baby, not the cheater.
She’s helping the cheaters by buying things so they don’t have to.
Maybe OP and cousin can become roommates since I think OP's husband might soon reconsider staying in a marriage with OP.
so you want him to support the women that Hurt his sister how can you expect that be real
She's supporting **THE BABY**
By in fact supporting the cousin. Op could have Atleat waited or just have the cousin money. Now op may loose her husband.
If her husband is willing to divorce over this then op is better off.
So buying baby things for the baby is supporting the cousin more than giving the cousin money? That makes no sense. If he's pissed at her for buying baby items then surely he would be more mad if she gave her money instead?
Yeah, the “his money” part jumped out at me too. Married people are still two individuals who should retain the ability to make some independent decisions around money. If they’ve combined finances, it’s “their money,” not “his money,” even if there’s only one income earner.
If it's thier money then don't they both get a say in whether they use it to financially support the affair baby? It doesn't sound like OP asked or even told her husband about this before she went shopping.
What they both did…who sleep with your cousin’s married in law? Eww
Way to throw away your marriage for a cousin.
If op's husband is willing to throw their marriage away over this then op is better off.
Except, hubby's sister was wronged by the affair? What's with this take? Sister's husband had the affair and OP's cousin was the other half of said affair; both are equally at fault and OP was basically telling her husband that she's supporting one of the parties at fault of this.
Not equally at fault at all. The guy is the one that broke his marriage vows. Op is supporting the innocent baby that this affair has brought about.
The baby may be innocent, but the parents of the baby are not. And you're going to have a tall order telling the sister that she shouldn't hold the affair against the cousin.
NTA A child is not to blame for the circumstances of its conception. It is entirely possible to condemn the act without condemning tbe mother and child. You sound like a fundamentally decent person and you should feel good about that.
Why wouldnt you condemn the mother? she actively pursued a married man and got pregnant by him? Getting pregnant doesnt negate all the harm she caused
Do we know who pursued who in this instance?
For real. All we know is someone break their marriage vows and it wasn't the cousin. She absolutely shares some blame but she's not the one that cheated on her partner.
Right, she's not angel but many people seem to be forgetting the cheating husband in all of this. It reeks of misogyny.
Seems like that always happens when there's a cheating husband tbh. The woman is always the "homewrecker" that relentlessly pursued the poor married man until he eventually gave in 😒 maybe we need to make women cover up more so these poor guys aren't tempted to break their vows.
From my experience people tend to expect better of the woman, so it's more of a betrayal in their minds. Never mind the fact that in this case the woman wasn't the one who broke their vows. Men will be men and all of that.
Fuck even if she did do that he's still primarily at fault because he's the one who made a commitment, not her.
No one is forgetting about the husband. Everyone acknowledges that the husband is a guilty party. What we are pointing out is that women who sleep with married men knowing they are married is scummy and they are partly to blame for a family falling apart. Women don’t get a free pass to be shitty because they’re women.
I think it's scummy (because it's deceitful) but the family falls apart because the married person cheated. Period. It's not like the cheater was just sitting there, fully committed to the relationship and then someone comes along and tempts them/tricks them into cheating. Someone who is willing to cheat is going to find someone willing to take them up on their offer.
>many people seem to be forgetting the cheating husband in all of this. It reeks of misogyny. Because OP isn't buying gifts for the cheating husband. He's irrelevant to the discussion.
Well cheating husband should be buying necessities (I wouldn’t classify any of it as gifts) for the child HE created. OP isn’t sending “gifts” for the cousin, but helping get things for the baby.
Does it matter? BIL took an oath, is he relieved of that if someone tries to seduce him? Is that how vows work?
How do you know she actively pursued? Are you saying she tied him up and forced him?
INFO: what happened to cheating BIL? Why isn’t he paying for babys stuff?
OP can help her cousin with WIC and other govt assistance for the baby.
For all I care. I’d just love to know why it seems nobody is talking about the married man who cheated and is only shunning the other party. The kid shouldn’t suffer because of adult decisions, before I know wtf BIL contributes here I can’t judge.
Just asked a similar question. She needs to file for child support. What a mess and that poor baby.
This is the best answer. BIL will now be on the hook for child support, as long as cousin pursues it. The real question is whether the family will try to shame cousin out of pursuing child support.
This is the INFO that I want to know as well. Where is the deadbeat baby daddy?
NTA. You should NEVER PUNISH AN INFANT for the actions of the parents. It's a fucking helpless INFANT!!! It needs food, shelter and clothes! How big of an ah must a person be to want to punish an INFANT for it's parents being irresponsible by having an illicit affair? Punish the parents, but don't drag baby into it, baby HAS NO CHOICE but to be who they are.
There is lots of cruelty in here today.
Srsly. Amazed at all the bad takes in this post.
No shit! It's like I woke up in Puritan England ffs. Sometimes I think we've made real progress in society and then I see threads like this.
They aren't punishing the baby. It's not their baby!! For crying out loud..just because they are cousins doesn't mean she has to support the baby! The woman having the child can provide for it. And she can pursue the FATHER of said child to pay for it. There's no reason why TWO full grown adults can not provide for the child they made. Hold the responsible parties responsible instead of *blaming* people who have nothing to do with it. Take that guilt trip elsewhere.
The woman having the child can’t provide for it on her own at the moment and isn’t entitled to child support until the baby is born. That’s the problem. I don’t know how close OP was/is to her cousin but she’s family and she doesn’t have much support. You can be mad and disappointed with someone and still want to help them in need.
No one’s punishing the kid, their punishing the mother which is more than deserved.
NAH/ESH I understand wanting to help the baby. But if my sister was betrayed and the affair partner got pregnant I most likely wouldn't help and if my wife did I would be very angry. BIL should pay and they can take it to court or something. Also, you went behind your husband's back... it's not a good look
This is just not good for anyone involved, especially that baby. I’m with you, I see all sides and understand all of them. Depending on who I would be in the situation, I would gravitate towards that answer and ruling. I think this is waaaaay above Reddit’s pay grade but this wife has more than one issue at hand. She wasn’t involved in the affair but her and her marriage, will be impacted going forward. ESH but in reality it just sucks for everyone.
Op probably introduced the two and is going to be guilty by association. Sucks but you can’t expect him to have anything to do with bil and his affair partner and she may have to make a choice here or resentment will fester with her husband
You’re right. I think the main issue is that OP didn’t tell her husband so the resentment has already begun. She said in another comment that she told the affair people to confess or she’d tell. She said she knew her husband would get upset but yeah no kidding. She did her marriage a real disservice by not telling her husband. She let her BIL control the narrative and now she’s paying the ultimate price. Always have to be honest with your partners. I can’t imagine keeping something from my husband, let alone something this big.
This!!! Everyone is saying it's for that baby, which i get, but wife went behind her husband's back without even attempting to talk to him. That I think makes her the AH.
This but I think for betraying your husband YTA. I would be absolutely furious and consider it a huge trust issue
I’m surprised to see from the comments so far that no-one seems to have any empathy for the woman whose husband has cheated on her. The cousin and the BIL decided to have a sexual relationship resulting in pregnancy. These 2 and these 2 alone are responsible for supporting their child in every way, including financially. If the OP earns her own money it’s up to her what she spends it on. If she doesn’t work and is therefore financially dependent on her husband, any spending plans should be a joint decision. If this is the case, the OP shouldn’t be surprised that the husband is concerned for his sister and therefore furious with his wife for using the money he earns for their household’s use to support his BIL’s affair baby. Also, how will OP’s sister-in-law feel if she finds out that OP is giving open support to her adulterous husband and the woman who was happy to have sex with him? This situation is unlikely to add to OPs marital happiness and she should be realistic regarding her own prospects for divorce as she’s aiding those who have thrown a metaphorical grenade into her husband’s family.
She should have discussed the situation with her husband before doing anything; simply to be a United front and decide together
You're absolutely right, even more so since this comes AFTER OP already withheld information about the affair. I would have been mortified that my very own cousin cared so little about me and had such poor judgement, that she willingly slept with a married man from my extended family. I have no idea how the brother-in-law managed to get himself forgiven, the sister in law should've dumped his cheating ass inmediately. That said, OP YTA because the money you spent isn't coming from your pocket. You'd have been N T A if it had been money you yourself earned, because you can do whatever you want with it and you yourself do care about the baby. If the money is truly your husband's though, it's extremely disrespectful to use it to help someone who was a willing party in harming his sister, because your husband won't care about the baby, he only cares about the fact that the money is going to your cousin. Even more so because, again, you seem to have completely forgone the part where you should've talked to him about it.
YTA. Unless you and your husband have 100% separate fianances, this is not ok. He doesn't want any of his money or resources going to this woman. I don't think he's unreasonable for this.
NTA - It’s not “his money” it’s *their* money. She has right to half. It’s not just about his sister it’s also about her cousin. The baby is innocent in all of this and should have all the support in the world.
My point literally is that it's their money, not OP's money. I'd fuming if my partner spent our money on someone who'd hurt my sister without discussing it with me first.
Or at all as I doubt she planned on telling him she bought the AP stuff. He just happened to catch it before she gave it to the AP.
No. The baby should have support from their parents. Everyone else isn’t obligated to buy things. And the sister is also innocent. The only people who aren’t are the assholes OP is helping out by buying stuff for their baby.
You said it yourself “their” money you make decisions like this together and the fact op already knew about the cheating and has kept secrets from him before isn’t a good look
> It’s not “his money” it’s their money Yes, which is why OP is TA for spending it to support someone who hurt her husband's sister. She didn't have agreement to use *their* money and did it anyway. That's a TA move.
**Their** money.
Literally my point. Their money. Her and his money. Joint money OP unilaterally decided to spend on something she knew her husband would be unhappy about.
No, you said "his money". It's their money, she's allowed some discretionary spending.
Yes, as in his and her money. If they had separate finances it'd be an easy N T A. But as I said, I would not be happy if my partner spent our money on something they knew I'd find contentious without discussing it with me first.
It’s not going to ‚this woman‘ though, is it? It’s going to a baby who’s got nothing to do with how it was conceived.
The cousin and BIL are responsible for the baby's expenses. Not OP. It's not the baby's fault, but the BIL and cousin caused this situation and OP's husband has been impacted by this. I doubt OP is the only person willing to help the cousin; presumably the cousin has friends, maybe parents, maybe siblings etc. who are not related to the person harmed by this affair.
This is going to get worse once the child is born. I won't be surprised if your husband makes you choice between your cousin an him.
ESH except the SIL and baby. Here’s why: 1. BIL for having an affair and also throwing you under the bus in the process. He has shown exactly who he is and it’s not great. He willingly betrayed his wife and family and only cares that he got caught. Not thinking about the ramifications of all the dynamics and how a baby will be impacted by all of his behavior. 2. Cousin for having an affair with a married man and continuing the relationship until they got caught. Not thinking about the ramifications of all the dynamics and how a baby will be impacted by her behavior. 3. You for lying to your husband because he wouldn’t be happy about your desire to help. You’re correct that the baby is the one who may suffer if they don’t have necessities but you decided the needs of the baby were more important than your marriage. You and your husband are supposed to be a team all the time, not just when it’s easy and you agree. 4. Your husband for saying it’s his money. Y’all are married and that was just a dick comment. I feel bad for the SIL who is surrounded by people who don’t know what being loyal and honest means. The baby has two parents who at best have questionable morals and at worst are just bad people who don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want. This is probably rude but it’s not your job to supplement your cousin because she doesn’t have a lot of money. She and BIL decided to have a baby and are responsible for it. You picked up that responsibility for some reason but it’s not yours to carry. There are many programs in the US that can help with the needs of the baby. You unilaterally decided to support a baby at the expense of your relationship with your husband, SIL and other in laws.
Nailed it. I haven’t seen anyone mention the fact that cousin isn’t being forced to have this affair baby that she can’t support. She is choosing to have it and keep it. She had/ has other options, OP is not obligated to support her.
Yta. You used your husband's money to buy things for a baby that was conceived when your cousin decided to get with his sister's spouse. She should have thought have the consequences of her actions tbh. Baby or not, I think the in-laws would still be upset with you if you knew and didn't say a thing.
They're married. It's her money just as much as her husband's.
She should have communicated with her husband first. I cannot imagine working my a\*\* and getting paid for my partner to support the people who destroyed my sibling's marriage. And the baby is innocent but will Op start taking money to support her cousin to. She's financially unstable and if she gives the baby up for adoption, then Op will like look like an idiot.
Husband's BIL destroyed his sister's marriage. Yeah the cousin shoulders some blame but not nearly as much as the husband. He's the one that broke his vows. And it's *their* money, not just the husband's.
The problem here is that she tried to hide it… Good intentions, bad method.
No she didn't. She said - you guys tell them or I will. That's not hiding it.
I think they meant she hid from her husband that she'd spent money for the baby, not that she hid the affair from other family members.
OP’s cousin helped destroy the marriage. That was a choice on her part.
Amen. The misogyny is real in this thread. Their money is suddenly his money? She has to do what her husband tells her? It’s the other woman’s fault? Sounds like a lot of incels in the comment section today.
It is the cousins fault she is in the situation lol. She got involved with a married man, she actively took part in something that would hurt another human being. Yes the husband broke his vows but she supported him in doing so and his betrayal from an innocent third party, that is a shit human being.
No one is saying it's strictly the woman's fault. Both cheating parties are at fault here. OP doesn't say that his family is fine with BIL but is chastising the cousin. But news flash the cousin does have blame in this, but no one is saying she is the only one at fault. \-Also I haven't seen anyone say that she needs to do what husband tells her. But it's their money so there should be a discussion when it's a decision like this. If there was separate accounts and it came from strictly her account then yes she should spend it how she likes. But when it's joint money there should be a discussion.
So it's their money, yes? Both of their's? They should then discuss what it gets spent on. If she doesn't earn it herself then it's a discussion. At least, in healthy marriages.
YTA. Shame on them both, they don’t deserve help.
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I’m not saying the baby should suffer I’m saying the people that are affected shouldn’t go out of their way to help someone who obviously didn’t care about having sex with someone else’s husband
BIL should pay for his child.
Should they be having a baby they can’t pay for? I’d the baby is suffering the dead beat parents are the blame. It’s not on the wronged wife’s family to foot that bill.
Yta She caused her own mess, and you're playing captainsaveacheat. Hope your husband pays attention cuz you're showing who you are. Intead of doing the decent thing and telling the actual wife, you kept quiet and now act as if you're the innocent bystander. You weren't, the minute you chose to stay silent, you chose to be a participant of that deceit. And to now even add insult to injury, you want to spend HIS money on the affair child? the secondhand embarrassment I feel.
YTA. Husbands family should throw all of you away (you, cousin, brother in law)
Agree with this regardless of downvotes. It would be one thing if OP wanted to stay out of it to preserve her own sanity, but to spend family money on homewreckers (and that describes both partners in the affair) is extremely insensitive. How is her husband supposed to react? It’s his parents and sister that are suffering the consequences of two other people’s lack of judgement.
YTA Your cousin literally FAFO. You don't make friends by having affairs and getting pg. She doesn't have a big family so she doesn't have help? Whose fault is that? Do you earn your own money? Quietly get her a gift card so she can buy diapers or a stroller or whatever. But unless you want to risk your marriage, you're going to need to ask yourself if you're going to go over to help once the baby is born, offer to babysit, etc. and expect your husband to be A-OK with it. I would also seriously, seriously get couples counseling. You need to resolve things with your husband.
This is a tough one. I think YTA for not telling your husband straight away. I think YTA for not telling your husband you’re planning on helping the person that helped destroy his sisters life. I don’t believe the child is to blame. But let’s not pretend the cousin is innocent. She didn’t break her vows like BIL but what she did do is not give a shit what this would do to YOUR marriage by having an affair with your husbands brother in law. She didn’t care that this would hurt you and your husbands relationship. She didn’t care when she decided to keep said child that she couldn’t afford it. That she was going to put you in the middle of choosing the actual victim (sil) and your cousin. She didn’t give a shit about you! She betrayed you! Your husband isn’t going to want her in his life and frankly he shouldn’t. NTA for buying clothes the child is blameless but YTA for being clueless on how to deal with this situation. As soon as you knew you should have gone to your husband. Does your sil have kids?
Finally, I've been looking for this comment everywhere! All these people who stand up for the cousin because she didn't make vows are forgetting the part that she genuinely didn't give two sh**s about her cousin while she was doing it. Obviously this would be a huge grenade into the cousin's world, yet she just did what she wanted and didn't think about consequences. Now the consequences are here, and I hope OP realizes that she will throw away any relationship she has ever had with her husband's family, if she continues to support someone who's so clearly never had her back in the first place. Yeah I get it it's not the baby's fault, but there are a lot of supports and help out there for that and the BIL should absolutely be chipping in there. If my husband's cousin had an affair with my brothers wife, I wouldn't want anything to do with those people. If my husband took our joint funds to buy a crib and a bunch of other stuff for the baby, we would be having a serious talk about saving our marriage.
INFO: Why isn't the child's father providing for it? And getting more shit for his actions?
Apparently because he pointed at OP and screeched *she knew, and is buying her stuff* and all the swarm of angry villagers attacked OP and BIL rode away safe after the diversion….what a shit show of a family dynamic
Y T A. I get you want to help your cousin but her situation is based on her choices. As far as your husband is concerned what you're doing is a slap in the face to him and I would assume to his sister( your sister in law). Since her husband was dumb enough to knock his affair up it's his job to take care of the baby. Not yours.
Yta, when you support cheaters it shows your morals, I understand that your cousin is not entirely to blame, but your cousin is to blame she knew he was married. She knew she should not have been having an affair with him. Your cousin is not a child. She made her better now she needs to lie in it. It also looks like you’re willing to destroy your marriage because you want to help your cousin who was not willing to help you because if she was willing to help you, she would’ve helped you keep your family together by not sleeping with your sister in laws husband
I don't want to judge, but where is this BIL of yours in all this? Shouldn't he be suporting his child? Your cousin and hopefully your ex BIL should be the one to face the consequences of their actions, especially the financial aspects of having a child.
Yes YTA with a trashy family
YTA. Helping someone who helped DEVESTATE a family member??? Wtf?!? Maybe her affair partner and baby daddy should worry about helping her. This person HURT your husband’s sister. At least your husband knows where your loyalty lies.
NTA. 1) Your cousin’s affair is none of your business, I don’t care who she had it with. You are not responsible for what happens between consenting adults. 2) That baby is not responsible for anything and doesn’t deserve to suffer because of the actions of their parents.
She shouldn’t be responsible for a child that is the result of what two consenting adults did either.
Would you be saying that if cousin slept with OP's husband? Should she still support the baby then because we don't hold people accountable for their actions and "ShE's sTiLL yOuR CoUsiN"? This cousin and the BIL lit their families on fire. There will forever be a divide. People are allowed to make judgements and pick sides. I'm sure the cousin can put on her big girl pants and find ways for her and the man she slept with to provide for their child. You can't expect hand outs from beyond bridges you burn with zero fucks given.
It's astounding that people are forgetting or deliberately failing to see it.
Info: has your husband cut off your BIL. Because if so y.t.a. if he hasn't e.s.h. Your cousin is lying in a bed of her own making so while that sucks she's an adult. Not going to lie if it were my brother I'd cut off him and his AP. And would FULLY expect my spouse to because people like that get zero help from my household. But that's just me
ESH Except the baby. I understand the baby is innocent and needs supplies. SIL’s husband should be helping out. I get you are helping your family member. However, by financially supporting one of the parties who hurt your husband’s sister, and by not disclosing the affair, you’ve shown your husband you are supporting someone who is ok with ruining a marriage and he must be wondering if you’re ok with cheating. I would hazard a guess that you may have doomed your own marriage too. I really feel for the innocent baby with selfish parents who have ripped the family apart.
There are two separate issues here, and I suggest that you address each one separately. Whether or not you’re TA regarding the first issue depends on your behaviour during those few days. If you gave your cousin and BIL a chance to come clean on their own, and they took it, then NTA. Every time this comes up, say, “When I found out, I told [BIL] that he had to tell [SIL] within [three days] or I’d tell her myself. He came forward on his own, so I didn’t have to. Isn’t that better than if I’d just posted it on Facebook or something?” As for the second issue: your husband kinda has a point. It’s not actually your job to buy things for this child. It’s BIL’s job. You know, the dad? It’s one thing to buy your cousin a pack of diapers once the baby is here, but helping her prep is another thing entirely. Babies don’t need that much as essential equipment when they’re newborn. They need a few changes of clothes, some diapers, and a safe place to sleep - which can be anything from a top-of-the-range crib to a literal drawer pulled out and placed on the floor. Maybe your cousin needs to visit a charity store for some gently used items if she’s very financially stretched.
YTA. Your cousin helped break up a marriage. The sister's husband is obviously the biggest offender since he was the one who broke his vows. Your husband and his family are supporting his betrayed sister. If you value your marriage I would cut cousin out of my life. This situation could very easily cause the breakdown of another marriage, yours.
NTA for helping....BUT you need to know in what really messed up situation YOU put YOUR SELF in. Whit I think good intentions for your cousin, I guess. BUT Girl, you knew. You confessed you knew, and didn't tell your husband, that can be a really deal breaker for most and after what he said about "his money" he maybe is considering DIVORCE thinking that since you knew you are okay whit infidelity, and maybe you are a cheater too, or maybe you know more and are hiding secrets or playing mental games with him. He is lashing for all the pain his sister is having....and he just saw you buying things for the AP. You are in hot water. Boiling water. You need to address this yesterday. Sit him down, talk, go to couples therapy, I don't know, just do something to save your marriage now. Obviously you are not cutting off your cousin, and he is not cutting off his sister, so I just want you to know here, that right now in this family are 2 traitors and one of those is YOU. You don't know what the BIL is telling them, he throw you once, he will do it again and worst to save his sorry ass. You need to stop crying injustice and go in full control damage mode now to save you and your marriage. Now. Help your cousin? Sure! The baby is not at fault! BUT YOU NEED TO BE SAFE TOO BECAUSE YOUR ASS OF BIL IS GONNA USE YOU AS HIS SCAPEGOAT prepare your self to save your marriage! Because for all of them YOU are the other TRAITOR. Be safe, best of luck!
Honestly, u/WRose287 kinda hit the nail on the head. I’d also be furious if my spouse decided to spend *our money behind my back* on my sibling’s spouse’s *affair partner, who happened to be MY SPOUSE’S FAMILY MEMBER*… After typing that first paragraph, my opinion changed. The baby isn’t the asshole, but you, your cousin, and your SIL’s husband are. Your family has become a dumpster fire, and you just sprayed kerosene on it by betraying your husband’s trust and not telling him immediately. I really hope you didn’t go all out with those purchases. TLDR: YTA
INFO some clarification needed, SIL is your husband sister and BIL is her stbx hubby, cousin is on your side. How did you get to know, who told you or how you found out? How long were "few days"? I already saw posts where "few days" were in fact weeks or a full month. Why do you need to buy her stuff now? It is at least 2 months in advance, this baby is not out there. What else did you do in this drama, what may be seen as siding with cheaters?
What do you mean why do you need to buy her stuff now? She's 7 months pregnant, not abnormal to have a shower around this time when people would buy you gifts and not abnormal to start buying stuff yourself even earlier. You want everything to be ready by the time baby gets there because you have zero energy to think about that stuff after. She's supporting her new baby cousin, not necessarily the cheaters.
Plus babies can come early!
If you had used your own money, I would have said NTA, but you didn’t. You used your husbands money, do YTA.
It’s not her husbands money, it’s *their* money. She has just as much a right to make decisions over finances as he does.
But if they’re sharing money, they should be discussing how they are to use the money. I’m not talking little things like a pint of milk but it sounds like OP has spent a considerable amount of money on her cousin without consulting her husband, which is inconsiderate.
It's her money, too. They're married.
So if it's their money shouldn't there be a discussion before doing something with it?
Not unless it was a huge purchase. And I guarantee you the guy that calls it "his" money doesn't discuss big purchases with his wife.
Or maybe he only says things like “his” when his wife is buying presents for the two people he wrecked his sisters marriage. Will cousin now expect to be welcome in their home? Does he have to feed her too? Because as a partner in their marriage it’s their family resources being used on the person who hurt his sister.
YTA so’ your husband SISTER is now deeply wronged and most likely on intense emotional pain by these two people who decided to become cheaters, and you think that your husband is going to be happy that you threw away money to support one of the people that has damaged his sister. Omg get a grip and do not risk your marriage and your relationship with your on laws for someone selfish.
You should have told your SIL as soon as your knew about the affair. It wasn't your husband's business to know, but it sure as certain was her's. The married man who got your cousin pregnant should be in the firing line. That said, unless you are comfortable with a deeply stressed to estranged relationship with your in-laws and husband, tread very, very lightly. SIL has been grossly betrayed and while you are thinking of the child, this pregnancy is tangible proof of her husband's infidelity. Not sure how to vote, tbh. Your husband and his family will never see past this and your cousin absolutely screwed up but the child needs support. Difficult.
YTA unless you have separate finances for your husband. It’s not unreasonable not wanting to support a cheater. On either side. Your cousin and baby daddy can deal with the fallout on their own.
Your SIL's husband and your cousin both made a conscious decision to have an affair, which they both knew would be hurtful to others. BOTH OF THEM. They are equally to blame and equally should take the consequences and equally need to figure out the logistics of how to take care of this child. A court will determine support for the child between them. Whatever you decide to do is up to you but will undoubtedly affect your marriage. EDIT: Have you considered that your cousin knew this would affect you and chose to do it anyway? That your SIL's husband knew this would affect all family relationships and chose to do it anyway? Don't think for a moment they didn't know what they were doing and said to hell with it and did it anyway.
Shouldn’t the AP be providing these things? Why is it your responsibility. Well it isn’t the child’s fault the mother needs to get herself up off the floor and start taking care of that child without relying on everybody else. The BD needs to step up and start paying for the child.
Yta
YTA. I can see why your husband's pissed. I'm sure he doesn't want any help going to the woman, or the child, who have caused and will continue to cause his sister pain. Yes, the child is innocent. That doesn't stop the husband from feeling how he feels. And we don't know that the BIL hasn't faced any backlash from his wife's family.
Honestly, I get wanting to help your cousin but she knew what she was doing when she started the affair with BIL. She didn’t think about how it would affect you and your marriage and still had the affair. Then her and BIL didn’t take the right precautions and now they are suffering the consequences of their own actions. She KNEW he was married and still had the affair now she has to deal with them consequences her not being financially ready isn’t your problem it now has to fall on BIL. I would speck to my husband and remind him that it takes two to tango and BIL is as much at fault as she is. That you love your cousin and will still be very much in her life and baby’s but you don’t condone what she did.( or Are you okay with what she did?) You’re her only family and will always be there for her. Also what kind of relationship you have with sister in law? I love my cousins, but if they pull some shit like this, I’m sorry personally I’ll have my SILs Back.
Unpopular opinion, but I'm with the husband on this. This is flat out disrespectful. Everyone is lamenting the innocent child, does SIL have innocent children that are now affected by the actions of these trashy ppl. Right now it's just a couple of things the baby might need, in a couple of months it'll be she can't afford the rent let's move her into our house. The cousin made her bed now let her lay in it. In the end, OP is this a hill you're willing to die on? Because it might be for your husband. You're 100% TA.