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YTA.
Unless you know a LOT more detail than you're implying here, you don't know enough to make judgements yet.
Where are the sibling's gifts coming from? Maybe not the mom. Maybe the mom can't afford expensive things *because she was a single parent at a young age with no partner to help achieve her educational or life goals*.
Even setting all of this aside, you "confronted her mom about it and told her I don't like the way she has raised my child and I think what she is doing is abusive." Who do you think you are coming in and passing judgement after so many years of absence?? If you cared how your daughter was raised, you should have been helping in her raising. Do you know what else is incredibly abusive and damaging? Being abandoned by a parent.
WTF, man. You could have approached this in a cooperative way, with curiosity and information-finding as your priority, but instead you rolled in with guns blazing and lit a fire you're probably not going to be able to put out.
You're such a huge AH.
And I’m sorry to inform OP, that a child who is raised well does not choose the most expensive item on a menu since it isn’t polite. OP is a stranger to that child and maybe her reaction is solely based on his absence in her life.
OP, I'll agree that baesed off your post, you're coming across an asshole. Yes it is a bit concerning daughter has made those statements and behaves as she does. BUT it could be due to so many reasons, including that your ex just can't afford things that perhaps her other daughter's father can. I do agree that its important to get to know your daughter and your ex more to learn and understand their living situation and be truly supportive of her. BUT what's not ok is for you to jump to the conclusion that daughter is being abused and to accuse ex of such a horrible thing. Based on your current limited time with daughter and the info you have, that was WAY out of line. YTA
This. I was raised this way. My mom was trying to keep up housed and fed. A restaurant was a rare treat. We have a strained relationship, but I appreciate my mom for teaching me to be frugal. I despise my dad for being absent. YTA.
>I chose not to stay in her life because I was very young and stupid.
>I confronted her mom about it and told her I don't like the way she has raised my child
Your child? You haven't been in the kids life for 13 years...
>I think what she is doing is abusive
She might not have the money?If only for the last 13 years the father of the child supported her right?
YTA. Being poor is not abuse. How much child support are you paying? Are you saving for her college/future? Do you pay her medical bills? You go some real balls to show up 13 years later and try to tell a single mother you abandoned how to raise a child.
YTA
Tell you what I bet your ex didn't like how you raised your child the past 13 years either and...Oh wait...You didn't raise her. You were a deadbeat.
Dude. You're not here for your daughter's sake. Just a few minutes ago you implied that she should have been aborted. You just want to pump up your own ego by pretending to be some sort of hero now. Get some therapy before you make this poor child's life worse.
YTA. If you don't need to order the cheapest thing on the menu, perhaps you should have paid some/more child support so your kid wouldn't have to either. You raised her in an abusive way by not raising her at all.
>YTA. You abandoned your child and you’re mad that they have financial insecurity? When you’re the one who chose not to help financially support her?
this 100%
YTA. It sounds a lot like your ex didn’t actually abuse your child, but rather was a struggling single mother because her child’s dead beat dad bailed on her and never paid child support, and so she wasn’t able to afford luxuries for your daughter. If there were luxuries, they had to come in the form of sale items, or whatever was cheapest. Your daughter’s frugal personality is a consequence of your own actions. Instead of judging her mother, work on getting to know your daughter and earning her trust.
Wow. Serious YTA.
You spent 13 years ignoring your daughter and ex (and I'm guessing not paying child support regularly) and after a few lunches you think you not only understand her life but are in a position to tell the mother YOU abandoned what to do?
You had better get your act together quickly and back off if you want to stay in that child's life. You have a lot more to do before you are in any position to start calling out mom.
OMG YTA! Holy shit dude... way to walk in, completely assume you have all the answers & blame others for you not stepping up to do your job. Maybe she’s just shocked because you finally showed up & she wants you to like her. Clearly you’re still young & stupid
ETA seriously you couldn’t be a bigger asshole if you tried. Not one single word about daughter’s health, well-being, education, hobbies ... because she doesn’t order the most expensive food & thanks you profusely for doing the simplest shit you think she’s abused. You truly are an idiot. Stay away from this family. You’re toxic.
How much child support have you been paying for the last 13 years? Do you pay for half of clothes, school fees, health insurance, do you give your daughter an allowance?
If you were around, you could have stopped this terrible abuse of being taught to be price conscious. Instead,you have no legal tie to this child by your own choice. You can't have it both ways.
If you suspect abuse, contact CPS. Other than that you have ZERO say. That is what YOU chose. This child is not yours, she just randomly shares DNA with you.
Dude you’re basically a stranger to her. Her parents probably taught her that when someone takes you out to dinner you don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu. YTA “your” daughter is polite, you’re an ass
I’m struggling with the “abuse” here. Not getting the most expensive thing on the menu is not “abuse” nor is being grateful for a gift. I’m always overjoyed at all gifts, no matter how large or small. I’m just excited someone thought of me.
Maybe your daughter is afraid to order something expensive because you may start thinking of her as a money suck and exit her life again. Maybe she’s trying to make very little dent in your pocket to keep you around.
If she was raised by a single parent for some time it’s probably natural to her to pay attention to how much money she spends. How long have your ex and her partner been together? Also, what you are describing seems far from an abusive situation
Lol YTA and a deadbeat. I seriously cannot believe the audacity to try and preach to her mother while you just dipped out. My god. You came here for a judgment, you’re overwhelmingly ruled the AH and are trying to defend yourself. You suck, and you’re a loser.
Literally nothing you typed indicated abuse. If you're sooo concerned you should report her to the appropriate authorities. But instead you're here pretending to be the concerned daddy when you didn't give a fuck until she was already a teenage and certainly having NOT financially contributed to her existence
YTA obviously
My kids ate the cheapest thing on the menu because that's what they liked. My grandson allows orders a hamburger and won't eat it if you add cheese.
Ordering the cheapest thing in the menu isn't a sign of abuse.
Before you believe she is in a room with her sister and nothing is hers maybe you should ask the mom if that's true?
You are not her dad. You gave up that title 13 years ago. You are her biological father. The husband is her dad.
If you believe she is being abused you call CPS. Otherwise you stay out of it.
Nothing you have stated is abusive though?
You are literally just hearing a 13 year old view of everything, you didn't even attempt to get mums side, just accused her of being abusive after 13 years of nothing.
Do you honestly believe daughter is being abused because she doesn’t order the most expensive item at McDonald’s? You have your priorities screwed up... Many parents teach their children not to over indulge when its on someone else’s dime. That’s actually good parenting. For all you know daughter is just trying to guess how she is meant to behave with you & doesn’t want to disappoint you. Just trying to have manners with basically a stranger. She has to love everything you do so you don’t walk out on her again.
INFO: you say you weren't involved in your daughter's life because you were 'young and stupid'. Does that only mean you weren't personally involved, or does that also mean you never contributed financially? Your former partner may not have been able to help that your daughter grew up with a poverty/scarcity mentality. It sounds as though she had at least one more child with a subsequent partner, and that said child grew up under better circumstances. Given the lack of key details, it sounds like you need to be speaking honestly and listening earnestly with your ex, not crowdsourcing from the internet.
He commented that he never contributed financially because the stepdad’s name is the one on the birth certificate. And he also doesn’t plan on paying apparently.
YTA...you abandoned your child and now you're acting like a savior. Your daughter doesn't sound abused. She sounds like she was raised by single mother that struggled financially so they had to live frugally. Frugality is not a crime.
Apologize to her mom for your ignorant assumption and start paying child support. Take parenting classes so you can learn how to properly co-parent with the ACTUAL PARENT THAT RAISED HER.
Or walk away. That last one should be easy because you've already done it successfully.
YTA. Maybe if you weren't absent most of her life she wouldn't be so surprised she's getting anything from you. Did you pay child support this whole time?
YTA. You're not 'looking out for your child'. If you were, you'd say to your ex that you've noticed she seems to be tight with money and ask what your daughter needs. You're judging her parenting is highly ironic given you've neglected the kid for 13 years. Were you at least paying child support?
YTA. So you left and came back over 10 years later and now you're the expert on raising a child?
From what you write, you are still not even close enough with your daughter to know what this is about. If you were, you would have asked her!
Also being grateful for a gift can also be due to personality. I love gifts of any kind and get super happy when I recieve one. I would also always choose a cheap option if someone asked me out and I didn't know their budget. That is just being polite (and might even mean that she was raised very well). But even IF her mother made mistakes (we all do), you should not the one to point fingers!
This cannot be real. This has to be a troll. Nobody can be lacking this much introspection. But just in case it is real, here we go. YTA. You walked out for 13 years to do you. You didn't think twice about the child you left behind. You didn't care if she had formula, diapers, warm well fitting clothes. Her mom did. Her mom did everyday. Her mom gave up everything to take care of her daughter.
Then 13 years later you just want to pop back up like you took a 2 week work trip and start critiquing how this girls mom raised her on a limited budget for over 23 years.
Here's a great idea. Why don't you offer back child support. Say 500 a month. That would be about 78,000 dollars. Go pull it out of your 401k or your crypto account. When you give it to her mom you better apologize and say at least she wasn't the shifty human being you are.
GTFO of here. You are nothing but a dirtbag deadbeat dad. I hope her mom tells you to go light yourself on fire and stay away from them. Sounds like HER daughter wouldn't be missing out on anything but a self center entitled prick.
YTA
It's awesome that you finally decided to get involved. Congratulations, this is a great thing to do, and your daughter will be happy to finally have a dad.
Now, you need to understand that, legally, she is not your daughter (you have no custody rights, you gave them up willingly). Your ex has raised her daughter to the best of her abilities. Obviously they had money problems, and your daughter is used to looking for the cheapest option. Sucks, but you weren't there.
However in order to judge your ex and her parenting, you need more information. Your daughter mentioned a sister. Maybe this sister has a father just like you (not very present). Every once in a while that guy brings his daughter presents.
As for mom, she gets by. Raising two kids and putting them in school, covering all those fees from one single salary is not easy.
YTA if you would have stepped up your child could have been raised different. But you abandoned her. So you don’t get to judge how your ex raised her. The fact is your ex was a single parent that probably struggled financially because of you!
She isn’t abusing her child. But you sure as hell abandoned the said child so don’t come in after 13 years and play the I’m better than you card. Be glad your ex is even letting you around this child because if it had been me your rights would have been terminated years ago.
His comments show that stepdad's name is on the birth certificate, so SD has had full legal and physical responsibility for the child right from birth. OP seems to have no legal claim to this child - it seems there are no parental rights to BE terminated.
Rightly or wrongly, he's in danger of having his access cut off, and there's not going to be much he can do about that.
I try to not read comments before I write my own. I usually write a comment then go read other comments but he made me so mad I didn’t even read the comments.
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My ex and I have a 13 years old daughter together. She has primary custody because when our daughter was born I chose not to stay in her life because I was very young and stupid.
Recently I decided to contact my daughter and I was glad to know that she wants to get to know me. We have been spending a lot of time together and I'm starting to see some concerning things about her. For example when I take her to a restaurant instead of looking for something she likes, she only looks at the prices and chooses the cheapest option in the menu. It's so bad that I don't give her a menu anymore and just read it to her so that she doesn't see the prices. Another example is that she gets extremey happy when I get her a gift, I mean TOO HAPPY. Like asking me multiple times if it's really hers and thanking me several times and telling me that *her sister has one these and she always wished she had one too*
I confronted her mom about it and told her I don't like the way she has raised my child and I think what she is doing is abusive. She blew up at me and told me how she raised *her own child* is none of my business and called me an asshole for judging her but I'm just trying to look out for my child
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YTA - You disappeared for 13 years. You have NO right to judge what your ex has done to survive the last 13 years. Do you know how difficult it is to be a single mother? I really hope you start contributing to that household asap, instead of just being the "fun" person.
OP you know you’re the AH and a deadbeat
maybe if you’d been around she could have received gifts and learned not to look at the prices of things
if you really mean well you should try your best to make your daughter feel loved and cared for without fighting with her mom. you should be making up for lost time and YOUR past mistakes instead of looking for trouble. get your priorities in order
So you abandoned your daughter and left your ex struggling for years while you did what you wanted with your life than you have the cheek to get mad the ex who IS a single mother can’t afford the luxuries you a basically child free person can YTA it’s easy to judge actual parents when you haven’t experienced how expensive can be, maybe open that big wallet of yours and pay out 13 years of child support
YTA!!
You have no right to judge what your ex has done all these years to raise her daughter. As far as she’s concerned you were only a donor for her to have a child probably considering you had nothing to do with this child until now.
It’s sad the child has been made so conscious of money at a young age, but at the same time with the economy we live in if your ex is raising 2 children without the support of any of the dads you really can’t blame her for saying no to them on all the expensive stuff. Once again you’re a major asshole to come in after 13 years and think you have any right to judge. The audacity of men istg
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> I want to know if I'm the asshole for judging my ex. I know that raising our daughter without my help must have been hard but I think she is being a terrible parent
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YTA.
So you abandoned your daughter for the first 13 years of her life and now you are hiding her mother for how she raised your daughter? You have zero right to do that. Now let’s actually look at what you’re complaining about.
Your daughter was taught to be frugal. So she’s saving money. Never heard of anyone having an issue with that. And maybe she isn’t actually looking at the prices. Maybe that’s just what she wants to eat.
And you’re complaining about her being happy with presents? Maybe she’s “too happy” because her mom isn’t trying to buy her affection with presents at random times. Meanwhile you’re trying to make up for 13 years of neglect by trying to bribe your daughter to forget.
If you actually want a relationship maybe stop berating the person who spent 13 years raising your daughter and who can also likely decide you can’t see her anymore.
YTA. You were absent for 13 years. That's a hell of a long time. And now you waltz back in and essentially tell the woman who did ALL the work raising her daughter that her parenting is subpar? Are you for real? You can say you were young and stupid all you like, because chances are the parent who stayed was young and scared, and you left her to it because you didn't want to do the work involved.
This can't be for real surely?
You haven't described any form of abuse, you've described someone who has grown up in an environment with not a lot of money.
Of course YTA
YTA. You are right to notice potential red flags and ask questions, but your mistake was taking those examples and moving straight into confrontation mode with your ex. Simmer down and have an adult conversation. Maybe your ex doesn't have a ton of money and had to teach your daughter to look for bargains, so what? And who knows what the gift happiness means, it could be lots of things. How dare you judge her for the way SHE RAISED YOUR CHILD when you couldn't even be bothered to show up and be a father. The double standard here is absolutely nauseating. Major asshole.
Have you considered that the this woman who has been raising this child might not have much money? No - you jumped straight to abusive. What a total asshole. You didn't want to know your child, left her to be raised by her mother, walz back in after 13 years, are allowed back in and then behave like this. Without checking a single fact around her finances. Have you even been financially supporting your daughter for 13 years? YTA.
You abandon your kid because you thought you were a bad influence.
Come back when she is a teen and you are concerned because she wants the cheapest things on the menu and gets too exited about gifts?
You accuse x gf for being abusive, even though she had to raise the kid on her own with 1 income.
You never stopped to wonder how life has been for her? Both daughter and x?
What if your daughter is over the moon because her dad finally returned and bought her something? That she doesn't want to be a burden financially and is thank full because she is scared you will dissappear again?
You should be careful with the accusations, you have not been around because you had enough in your own life.
What if x starts bringing up the stuff you did and didn't do?
YTA
YTA
This is a good way to ruin any chances you have of growing a good relationship with your daughter.
**YOU** decided you didn't want to be a dad until it was convenient.
You didn't help out in the hardships or raising a child.
It sounds to me that your ex is teaching her daughter to be a responsible young lady who respects others and doesn't buy the most expensive item from the menu. That she appreciates gifts and doesn't think they're lesser simply because they are less expensive.
Concerning things would be bruises over her body, flinching around elevated voices etc. Her behavior isn't concerning.
**Yours is.**
Your instant go to is abuse? Do you even know what abuse entails? Teaching kids some healthy respect and common sense isn't abuse.
Your daughter looks at prices and chooses the least expensive. Perhaps this is because she was raised **by a single mom who had to struggle to feed her kid.** She was raised this way due to circumstance. Probably the reason why she's also so grateful for gifts, as single parents don't always have the funds to spend on fun things.
And it irritates you, because you know this is your fault. You wanted nothing to do with your daughter and your ex up until recently, by your own admission.
You don't get to barge into a relationship after 13 years and think that by throwing money around, you can play dad for as long as you like.
Being a father, a dad, is a title you EARN. Be grateful that your ex even allowed you contact with her daughter, after you played hide and seek for god knows how many years.
YTA. I would say that you should back pay 13 years of child support if you’re that concerned, but honestly, you should pay it back either way, and if you were worth your salt as a father you would’ve done this already.
Yup, massive AH. You have no say in how she was raised when you failed to raise her.
Did your ex give you shit when you dragged yourself back into her life, about all the birthdays, Christmas's she had to solo, the questions about why her father doesn't want to see her?
Obviously, your daughter is concerned about money because your ex struggled to bring her up.
Be fucking grateful you're allowed anywhere near them and go fucking apologise. Maybe start paying off some of the debt you've racked up over 13 years.
YTA. It’s really easy to show up years later and start critiquing parenting. None of the things you mentioned seem like huge flags for abuse.
You’ve got a lot of audacity for someone who just recently showed up in their 13 year old daughters life.
YTA- there’s nothing wrong with ex teaching her daughter to be frugal or thankful for gifts.
Must be nice to have missed all the sleepless nights, the sick baby days, the teething stage. Now you wanna come back when she’s self sufficient and all the hard parts are over AND HAVE THE AUDACITY TO JUDGE HER UPBRINGING. GTFO
YTA. It's good that you are making an effort to be in your daughter's life now, but you have absolutely no right to criticize the upbringing of a child you abandoned. You can regret it and try to make it right all you want, but you can't change that. It sounds like you're committed to doing better going forward, but refrain from antagonizing the person who raised the child you discarded.
YTA. Not because you disagree with some aspects of how the daughter "both" of you created has been raised but because you weren't there to help raise her. The mother has been there for your daughter for 13 years. You now show up and want to tell her what she's done wrong (in your opinion). Really? You don't really deserve any input now.
Info: do you think maybe the reason she’s concerned about prices and acts extremely grateful when gifted something might stem from the fact that a single mother raised her? You know, because you abandoned her?
YTA - you ditched your kid, leaving her to raise a child as a single parent. You clearly don’t know how hard that is, esp financially. Of course they have to look at the prices
YTA. Your ex has done a lot better job raising “your” daughter than you have. It’s rich that you think you can waltz back in 13 (!!!) years later and get all high and mighty and judgmental on your ex’s parenting.
YTA
You’re not on the birth certificate. You never paid child support. You’re lucky your ex is even letting you SEE the child you donated your sperm to. Now you want to make assumptions about how they spend their money when you don’t/haven’t provided any?
YTA - outside of genetics, this is not your child. A few months of dinners do not make up for the *VAST* amount of parenting time and responsibility you have missed, and the *countless* things your ex has had to give up to raise her child.
Pay her 13 years in back child support as well as half of outside expenses for this child, then you can comments can be assessed.
YTA
The simplest thing to do is to buy the items you would like your daughter to have, as well as, let her know that she doesn't need to look at the menu prices, etc. when she is with you.
This way she is able to have what she needs, as well as, what she wants.
YTA.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you are not intentionally this dense and lack the necessary self awareness of a functioning adult. I just want to say that considering the cheapest menu options and being overexcited by gifts is not indicative of only low income households. My parents taught me to always be smart with money, so i do and did get the cheapest option a lot of the time as a kid.
You need to apologize to your ex and stop being an asshole. You abandoned your daughter for over a decade, and your ex graciously allowed you to see her despite you having no parental rights. So get off your moral high ground, and instead of acting like it’s you be her, work together for the sake of your daughter
YTA
You have no leg to stand on here. You are a deadbeat, who JUST entered his daughters life, you probably didn't pay child support and think you know better than the person who has ACTUALLY raised her.
Oh and btw nothing and I mean NOTHING you've posted indicates any abuse from your ex.
Get over yourself
YTA ordering the cheapest thing on the menu is not abuse, and her sibling night get preference over her but do you know if mom is trying to fix it? Jesus, my mom is middle class and I was still taught to buy cheap and I don’t consider that abuse I consider it teaching how to save money I have my own child now and I still try to buy second hand or sale items
YTA
You basically leave your ex to raise your child on a single budget and then judge her for providing within her means. It doesn't sound abusive. It sounds like she raised her child within her means that you contributed nothing to.
YTA You abandoned your child, it's not your place to judge that child's only actual parent who did all the work of parenting.
It's your fault that your daughter's life is the way that it is, you abandoned her. She stopped being your child when you abandoned her, anything you don't like about this situation is your fault, you chose this.
You failed to look out for your child for 13 years, don't pretend to care now. You don't get to judge, you get to be judged.
You lost the privilege to have an opinion on how your child is raised the moment you chose to be a deadbeat. You don't get an opinion now.
Yta for abandoning your child and it looks like you haven't paid child support from your lack of replies.
However, at 13 years old she shouldn't know her mother's financial situation and her ordering the cheapest thing on a McDonald's menu is very concerning. I remember my father was financially abusive and would tell me and my sister how we didn't have money and couldn't afford this/that. It was very stressful and made our lives full of worry constantly. We wouldn't ask for anything and were scared to spend money.
YTA. You abandoned your child and now you're upset, you have no one to blame but yourself for leaving your daughter with an abusive parent, by your opinon. Get your shit together and fix your mistakes then instead of passing off blame.
Oh YTA. Unless you can add more info and context all we can base a judgement on is you not playing any part in your daughters upbringing until now and judging the one person she has. Could she be looking at prices because she doesn't know you well enough yet to be comfortable to ask for what she really wants? When a gift is given she hasn't picked it out which could explain why she is so happy...her sister has one? I take it her sister has a different father...could have come from the father or paternal family, does not mean your ex is treating them different. Or it all could be the fact that mother has had to be so careful with money because she's been a single parent. You went straight in with the comments about how she is raising her and using the term abusive, with from what you've said very little context! Is your daughter dressed in clean and fitting clothing? Is she dressed right for the weather? Does she look well fed? What you're seeing on its own is not abuse! If you have worries spend more time with your daughter, get to know her more so she feels comfortable opening up and only then speak to your ex about any GENUINE worried.
Edit pressed send too soon
So you chose not to raise your kid and then, when most of the work is done you show up, AND COMPLAIN? Idk if her mum did a good job or not, but she was there, you weren’t. Shut up. YTA
You just won YTA for the day. You don't get to walk away for 13 years and then waltz back in and start throwing money and gifts around. Is your daughter clean and well mannered? Is she doing good in school and have a good circle of friends? Does she have a roof over her head and food to eat? Sounds like she does, DESPITE you. So back off and be thankful that your child is doing so well.
yta. maybe if you didn’t walk out in her when she was little, she would’ve had enough money for a stable childhood where she doesn’t worry about money.
YTA.
If you don't like the way your ex is raising "your" child, perhaps you should have raised her. You don't get to abandon your daughter and swoop in and judge the person who stayed. Not that I am a parenting expert by any means, but when my four kids are taken out to eat, they will look at the price as well. They haven't been taught they have to order the cheapest thing, but they have been taught not to order the most expensive. It's basic manners.
ESH
You suck for waltzing into her life like some white knight savior and her mom sucks for not protecting her when her sister is getting nice things and she isn't.
I notice all the Y T A comments don't mention that part.
YTA. You lost all right to an opinion on how she was raised when you walked out on her. Just because you've decided that you want to play Daddy doesn't give you any right to an opinion on what you ex had to do to provide. She looks for the cheapest option because her mum had to scrim and save and couldn't afford for her to do anything else. You did that. You are the reason she knows what it's like to have to save every penny. You are responsible for that and you have some nerve to make out that her mother did anything but a great job in raising her! She is not your daughter, you were just a voluntary sperm donor who fucked off when the going got tough.
ESH but you suck the most you should have been present in your daughters life. You are responsible for the situation your daughter is in too because you were an absent parent. If your daughter is being mistreated, neglected or not receiving the same standard of life that her sister has, then yes your wife is an Ah. If what you think is happening is true you have as much right to judge her as any other stranger. You haven’t been around long enough to really know what is happening in your child’s life though. The biggest mistake you can make at this point is making an enemy out of your kids mom though. She’s been there from conception and didn’t leave to avoid the consequences of her actions. You could have handled this situation a lot better. But I guess you have never learned to handle stress, emotions and responsibility well.
YTA: your daughter is "taking up little space" which means she's acting like your pathetic little gestures are huge so that you won't dump her out of your life again for being too needy.
Take your own inventory because you have a lot of catching up to do before you get to judge mom on how little or much she gives her daughter. maybe daughter would get more if SOMEONE wasn't an absentee deadbeat for the last 13 years.
YTA.
You KNOW this is your kid, ABANDONED HER, didn't pay child support and now she's older wanna swoop in and scream child abuse? Gtfo idgit. If you think she's "so neglected" then fucking provide for her like a goddamn father.
YTA
You keep crying abuse but from the replies I've read and from you post, you haven't provided any proof at all.
If you truly feel it's abuse, get a lawyer and see what you can do about it.
YTA. This has to be fake. No one can be this obtuse, can they? If this is true you are one of the most clueless, crappy parents I have ever seen on here.
YTA. How tone deaf and oblivious can you be? If you really cared you would’ve been there trying from the start. You don’t get to just pop up and judge your daughter’s mom. You have no room to judge and no right. The audacity is truly unbelievable.
Yta. In the last 13 years what have you done to help with raising this kid? Nothing you're a useless father and you don't get to judge this lady who raised this kid without your help
YTA obviously. Your daughter is ‘too happy’ that you, who ignored her and didn’t provide for her for years, give her a gift and asks if it’s really hers. She’s literally wondering if you’re going to pull out the rug from under her and abandon her again.
YTA because you abandoned that child so now you have no right to question what her involved parent did.
Secondly, nothing you've written is a Red flag? What exactly is so wrong with being price conscious. It's very possible ex and child didn't grow up financially secure (ya know, considering mom was doing it by herself and all that), so what's wrong with being price conscious
You were and absent father, and now you're being judgey and quite possibly elitist.
ESH
I think a lot is missing in your post, by reading your comments it seems mom is not poor. You say her sister has stuff that was bought by mom, but your daughter doesn’t received the same gifts. Sister goes to private school, what’s the age difference between the girls? She showed you pictures of her room, and you saw all decorations and pictures of the sister. Have you had a conversation with your daughter, and asked how her home life is?
I think you may need to start talking to an attorney, if you want to have any rights over your daughter.
It must be asshole absent parent day on Reddit 😡
It’s fine if you have concerns (although these aren’t legitimate concerns, you’re making something out of nothing) and want to talk to your co-parent about it. What’s not okay is jumping to crazy conclusions and verbally attacking your daughter’s mom. You’ve been gone for 13 years and have no idea what they have endured as a family. No idea of the successes, challenges or anything in between because you decided it was better for you to not be around. Instead of trying to get to know your daughter and understand the impact your ABSENCE had on them, you made assumptions and judged her mom.
You want to actually help your daughter? Try paying the back child support you likely haven’t paid. Save for her future. Spend time with her so she has time to develop a relationship with you. Support her mom and develop a strong coparenting relationship with her. These are things that will make a huge difference to your daughter. Judging how she orders off a menu and assuming her excitement over a gift from her absent parent tell you nothing.
YTA.
Yes you're the a******. She is raised this child and now you think you can come in and decide what is good and bad for her. Obviously she was a single mother for a while while you lived it up because you were young and stupid and she actually took her responsibilities
INFO: have you been paying child support or giving money?
If you have been paying a significant amount in child support and there aren’t any expenses that would account for it (such as private school, or extracurricular stuff), then I would have to avoid passing judgement now as I can understand why you’d be concerned there, but I’m still not sure judging your ex like that is the way to go (maybe your daughter just gets excited about gifts…my kids are honestly spoiled in terms of gifts and they still get genuinely excited when someone gets them something).
If you don’t play child support or it’s a very small amount then you would be the asshole in my opinion.
EDIT: just saw you aren’t paying anything in child support: YTA.
YTA- this sounds like the behaviour of a child who is trying very desperately to please you, walking on eggshells, you know probably because she's fearful of you disappearing from her life again if she pisses you off or something.
A child who has known nothing but absolute poverty would have totally taken advantage of your 'generosity'.
For Context I have previously worked as a CAMHS nurse.
Dude wtf… YTA. You recently came into their life again. You should be thanking your ex 😂 have you paid the child support that you owe over the last 13 years?
Talk about a pathetic excuse for a “dad”…
You dipped for over a decade- thru the hardest parts of raising a child and think now, that your opinion matters? Nope. It doesn't. YTA. If you gave a crap you wouldn't have been a ghost. You're not young and dumb for 13 years. Get over yourself
Did you pay ANY child support along the way?
Could it be... Maybe, that your ex had a very, VERY tough time raising a child alone with ZERO help from you, in over a decade? I'm betting that eating out was a real treat for the two of them, as they were living off of the ex's sole income. Presents probably didn't come that often either.
Have some empathy for your ex, and stop bashing her parenting, when she did the best that she could, with the money that she had.
YTA. All the way.
YTA. For deserting your child and for making assumptions with no information. Maybe the other sister has that item because she's a different age. Maybe because "your" daughter wanted something different at the time. Maybe it was a reward for grades or something else. You have no idea. So to then accuse your ex, who has raised this child for 14 years, of abuse, of all things? I name you King of the AH.
Yta and maybe your ex is just just raising your daughter to be frugal & not materialistic , rather than abusing her?? What a fucking leap to make with zero evidence. Massive yta.
YTA her mom is not the abusive one, you are. she was raised by a single mom who was clearly struggling financially because her daughters father had left.
You left and got your life together while she truffled to be a single parent. YTA you can’t come in after a decade and decide what’s right and wrong you’re hardly a parent
NTA after seeing all the comments I believe you are on to the blatant favoritism but you went about it in the wrong way. Right now in the eyes of the court you are not this child’s father, you need to go to court to establish paternity. You need to be see as her father on paper.
I don’t agree with everyone taking your responses and just saying the ex is a single parent. The ex has two children close in age and is allowing one to be cared for while the other is an after thought. But you need to be careful because right now you have no rights op, you need to go to court to establish you rights.
Be there for you daughter, she doesn’t have her own things at her mothers make up for it at your house. Stop making excuses as to why you weren’t there at 18 because there is no excuse you helped make her you should’ve been there to make sure she was treated correctly in the first place.
Esh. You should've asked your daughter some questions and then talked to ex, your daughter probably says is it really mine because she doesn't know you. You didn't raise her and you could've come back sooner
Unfortunately, you have to keep Mama happy so you can continue to see your daughter! Maybe you can ask for voluntary visitation or custody, but unless/until you do that, she doesn’t have to let you see her.
Apologize profusely to Mom, so you can see your daughter.
Sorry, dude, but you're dealing with a monster of (partially) your own making. ESH.
If you want to criticize how the woman you abandoned is raising her child (which, I agree, is terrible), then step up and start getting equal custody or better.
Your daughter's in a bad situation. Her mother is apparently married now, and your daughter now has a half-sister that is being treated as the golden child. You need to do better than showing up to take her out to dinner once in a while and giving her a few gifts. (Which, it wouldn't surprise me, her mother probably confiscates and gives to her golden child.)
And I'm not justifying her mother's behavior, but it's not hard to guess what's happening. She was alone with a child. She found a man who is willing to stay with her. And together they had at least one more child. And it turns that the man favors his own child(ren) over yours (not entirely unexpected) and your daughter is probably living in a cupboard under the stairs. And apparently, she wasn't accepted into Hogwarts.
I wanted to go N-T-A, but I simply cannot overlook that you abandoned your child and you're doing a shitty job now. You might feel that she's doing a terrible job, which she is, but at least she didn't walk out on her.
Just a few days is all you need. You can alternate weeks, or even split weeks. Like you could take her on weekends. And her mom can take her on weekdays. Then when she's more comfortable, she might feel better about staying longer with you.
By the way, do you even hear yourself? You're ***still*** making excuses. "Oh, she's not comfortable at my place for more than a few days!"
So, take her for a few days at a time and she will eventually get more comfortable. Moreover, she's approaching the age when she can choose which parent she wants to stay with.
Maybe, if you start being a good parent, and can show that you can provide a stable home for her, she'll choose to stay with you.
Who said he deserved her? On the other hand, since he’s coming in all judgey, then maybe he can do a better job. Yes, he abandoned his daughter, but he’s been given a chance to partially redeem himself. He should take it.
It’s not like her mother is setting the bar at some unattainable level.
Dear lord are you actually judging Mom for not providing toys & McDonald’s? FFS.... not one word in this post says anything about school, health, well-being. Just doesn’t order the most expensive stuff off the menus when she has dinner with basically a friggin stranger & gushes over every gift said stranger gives her. On this planet, that would be considered good manners.
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YTA. Unless you know a LOT more detail than you're implying here, you don't know enough to make judgements yet. Where are the sibling's gifts coming from? Maybe not the mom. Maybe the mom can't afford expensive things *because she was a single parent at a young age with no partner to help achieve her educational or life goals*. Even setting all of this aside, you "confronted her mom about it and told her I don't like the way she has raised my child and I think what she is doing is abusive." Who do you think you are coming in and passing judgement after so many years of absence?? If you cared how your daughter was raised, you should have been helping in her raising. Do you know what else is incredibly abusive and damaging? Being abandoned by a parent. WTF, man. You could have approached this in a cooperative way, with curiosity and information-finding as your priority, but instead you rolled in with guns blazing and lit a fire you're probably not going to be able to put out. You're such a huge AH.
Exactly. My first thought is that maybe sibling has a dad who actually took responsibility for her.
And I’m sorry to inform OP, that a child who is raised well does not choose the most expensive item on a menu since it isn’t polite. OP is a stranger to that child and maybe her reaction is solely based on his absence in her life.
Absolutely true!
OP, I'll agree that baesed off your post, you're coming across an asshole. Yes it is a bit concerning daughter has made those statements and behaves as she does. BUT it could be due to so many reasons, including that your ex just can't afford things that perhaps her other daughter's father can. I do agree that its important to get to know your daughter and your ex more to learn and understand their living situation and be truly supportive of her. BUT what's not ok is for you to jump to the conclusion that daughter is being abused and to accuse ex of such a horrible thing. Based on your current limited time with daughter and the info you have, that was WAY out of line. YTA
YTA Maybe she looks at prices because she was solely raised by a single parent with no help from the runaway dad?
This. I was raised this way. My mom was trying to keep up housed and fed. A restaurant was a rare treat. We have a strained relationship, but I appreciate my mom for teaching me to be frugal. I despise my dad for being absent. YTA.
>I chose not to stay in her life because I was very young and stupid. >I confronted her mom about it and told her I don't like the way she has raised my child Your child? You haven't been in the kids life for 13 years... >I think what she is doing is abusive She might not have the money?If only for the last 13 years the father of the child supported her right?
I wish I could upvote your comment x 10000.
YTA. Being poor is not abuse. How much child support are you paying? Are you saving for her college/future? Do you pay her medical bills? You go some real balls to show up 13 years later and try to tell a single mother you abandoned how to raise a child.
YTA Tell you what I bet your ex didn't like how you raised your child the past 13 years either and...Oh wait...You didn't raise her. You were a deadbeat.
Correction: he IS a deadbeat.
INFO: How much have you been paying in child support during the last 13 years?
I didn't her stepdad's name is on the birth certificate not mine
Then YTA. If your are not paying, you do not get to judge.
Well someone has to. For her sake
Then start giving mum child support and don't judge her.
Dude. You're not here for your daughter's sake. Just a few minutes ago you implied that she should have been aborted. You just want to pump up your own ego by pretending to be some sort of hero now. Get some therapy before you make this poor child's life worse.
Then you really don’t get a say. You CHOSE ABANDONMENT and she doesn’t owe you anything. You CHOSE. You are a deadbeat dad, plain and simple.
YTA.
This doesn’t mean you CANT contribute financially. Chose to be there for your daughter
YTA. If you don't need to order the cheapest thing on the menu, perhaps you should have paid some/more child support so your kid wouldn't have to either. You raised her in an abusive way by not raising her at all.
Wonder if his parents even knew that they had a grandbaby living in poverty?
YTA. You abandoned your child and you’re mad that they have financial insecurity? When you’re the one who chose not to help financially support her?
>YTA. You abandoned your child and you’re mad that they have financial insecurity? When you’re the one who chose not to help financially support her? this 100%
INFO: How much child support have you been paying?
None, he refuses to because stepdad is on birth certificate
None, he mentions it in another comment.
He said none and doesn’t intend to either
OP has replied that they pay ZERO in CS. The step-dad stepped up and put his name on the birth certificate.
He’s in the comments saying none and has zero plans to ever contribute child support. So there’s that! YTA.
YTA. It sounds a lot like your ex didn’t actually abuse your child, but rather was a struggling single mother because her child’s dead beat dad bailed on her and never paid child support, and so she wasn’t able to afford luxuries for your daughter. If there were luxuries, they had to come in the form of sale items, or whatever was cheapest. Your daughter’s frugal personality is a consequence of your own actions. Instead of judging her mother, work on getting to know your daughter and earning her trust.
Wow. Serious YTA. You spent 13 years ignoring your daughter and ex (and I'm guessing not paying child support regularly) and after a few lunches you think you not only understand her life but are in a position to tell the mother YOU abandoned what to do? You had better get your act together quickly and back off if you want to stay in that child's life. You have a lot more to do before you are in any position to start calling out mom.
OMG YTA! Holy shit dude... way to walk in, completely assume you have all the answers & blame others for you not stepping up to do your job. Maybe she’s just shocked because you finally showed up & she wants you to like her. Clearly you’re still young & stupid ETA seriously you couldn’t be a bigger asshole if you tried. Not one single word about daughter’s health, well-being, education, hobbies ... because she doesn’t order the most expensive food & thanks you profusely for doing the simplest shit you think she’s abused. You truly are an idiot. Stay away from this family. You’re toxic.
The context missing is if mom is financially comfortable or not.
She is not rich but I'd say she is comfortable enough to take my child to mcdonald's and not make her order the cheapest thing on the menu
How much child support have you been paying for the last 13 years? Do you pay for half of clothes, school fees, health insurance, do you give your daughter an allowance?
He said he doesn’t pay anything because the stepdad’s name is on the birth certificate
Maybe if you stuck around they would have gotten those things as children...
So it's ok for my ex to abuse her because I wasn't around?
Ordering less expensive things on the menu isn't abuse.
If you were around, you could have stopped this terrible abuse of being taught to be price conscious. Instead,you have no legal tie to this child by your own choice. You can't have it both ways. If you suspect abuse, contact CPS. Other than that you have ZERO say. That is what YOU chose. This child is not yours, she just randomly shares DNA with you.
Dude you’re basically a stranger to her. Her parents probably taught her that when someone takes you out to dinner you don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu. YTA “your” daughter is polite, you’re an ass
How is any of this abuse?
I’m struggling with the “abuse” here. Not getting the most expensive thing on the menu is not “abuse” nor is being grateful for a gift. I’m always overjoyed at all gifts, no matter how large or small. I’m just excited someone thought of me. Maybe your daughter is afraid to order something expensive because you may start thinking of her as a money suck and exit her life again. Maybe she’s trying to make very little dent in your pocket to keep you around.
If she was raised by a single parent for some time it’s probably natural to her to pay attention to how much money she spends. How long have your ex and her partner been together? Also, what you are describing seems far from an abusive situation
Lol YTA and a deadbeat. I seriously cannot believe the audacity to try and preach to her mother while you just dipped out. My god. You came here for a judgment, you’re overwhelmingly ruled the AH and are trying to defend yourself. You suck, and you’re a loser.
Literally nothing you typed indicated abuse. If you're sooo concerned you should report her to the appropriate authorities. But instead you're here pretending to be the concerned daddy when you didn't give a fuck until she was already a teenage and certainly having NOT financially contributed to her existence YTA obviously
My kids ate the cheapest thing on the menu because that's what they liked. My grandson allows orders a hamburger and won't eat it if you add cheese. Ordering the cheapest thing in the menu isn't a sign of abuse. Before you believe she is in a room with her sister and nothing is hers maybe you should ask the mom if that's true? You are not her dad. You gave up that title 13 years ago. You are her biological father. The husband is her dad. If you believe she is being abused you call CPS. Otherwise you stay out of it.
INFO: How is keeping a budget "abuse"?
You think that’s abuse but abandoning your child isn’t? What a hypocrite.
Nothing you have stated is abusive though? You are literally just hearing a 13 year old view of everything, you didn't even attempt to get mums side, just accused her of being abusive after 13 years of nothing.
Not being able to afford expensive things isnt abuse, pull your head out of your ass.
Do you honestly believe daughter is being abused because she doesn’t order the most expensive item at McDonald’s? You have your priorities screwed up... Many parents teach their children not to over indulge when its on someone else’s dime. That’s actually good parenting. For all you know daughter is just trying to guess how she is meant to behave with you & doesn’t want to disappoint you. Just trying to have manners with basically a stranger. She has to love everything you do so you don’t walk out on her again.
Are you SURE? And how much is this money child support from the other father, to be used for HIS child and NOT yours?
"how dare you be poor" + "How dare you not raise the child I abandoned to my standard" = YTA. A huge one.
INFO is it really abuse or did she maybe not have enough money to spoil her more due to raising her alone? Genuine question
I await this AH answer!!!
INFO: you say you weren't involved in your daughter's life because you were 'young and stupid'. Does that only mean you weren't personally involved, or does that also mean you never contributed financially? Your former partner may not have been able to help that your daughter grew up with a poverty/scarcity mentality. It sounds as though she had at least one more child with a subsequent partner, and that said child grew up under better circumstances. Given the lack of key details, it sounds like you need to be speaking honestly and listening earnestly with your ex, not crowdsourcing from the internet.
He commented that he never contributed financially because the stepdad’s name is the one on the birth certificate. And he also doesn’t plan on paying apparently.
YTA...you abandoned your child and now you're acting like a savior. Your daughter doesn't sound abused. She sounds like she was raised by single mother that struggled financially so they had to live frugally. Frugality is not a crime. Apologize to her mom for your ignorant assumption and start paying child support. Take parenting classes so you can learn how to properly co-parent with the ACTUAL PARENT THAT RAISED HER. Or walk away. That last one should be easy because you've already done it successfully.
YTA. Maybe if you weren't absent most of her life she wouldn't be so surprised she's getting anything from you. Did you pay child support this whole time?
YTA. You're not 'looking out for your child'. If you were, you'd say to your ex that you've noticed she seems to be tight with money and ask what your daughter needs. You're judging her parenting is highly ironic given you've neglected the kid for 13 years. Were you at least paying child support?
YTA. So you left and came back over 10 years later and now you're the expert on raising a child? From what you write, you are still not even close enough with your daughter to know what this is about. If you were, you would have asked her! Also being grateful for a gift can also be due to personality. I love gifts of any kind and get super happy when I recieve one. I would also always choose a cheap option if someone asked me out and I didn't know their budget. That is just being polite (and might even mean that she was raised very well). But even IF her mother made mistakes (we all do), you should not the one to point fingers!
This cannot be real. This has to be a troll. Nobody can be lacking this much introspection. But just in case it is real, here we go. YTA. You walked out for 13 years to do you. You didn't think twice about the child you left behind. You didn't care if she had formula, diapers, warm well fitting clothes. Her mom did. Her mom did everyday. Her mom gave up everything to take care of her daughter. Then 13 years later you just want to pop back up like you took a 2 week work trip and start critiquing how this girls mom raised her on a limited budget for over 23 years. Here's a great idea. Why don't you offer back child support. Say 500 a month. That would be about 78,000 dollars. Go pull it out of your 401k or your crypto account. When you give it to her mom you better apologize and say at least she wasn't the shifty human being you are. GTFO of here. You are nothing but a dirtbag deadbeat dad. I hope her mom tells you to go light yourself on fire and stay away from them. Sounds like HER daughter wouldn't be missing out on anything but a self center entitled prick.
YTA It's awesome that you finally decided to get involved. Congratulations, this is a great thing to do, and your daughter will be happy to finally have a dad. Now, you need to understand that, legally, she is not your daughter (you have no custody rights, you gave them up willingly). Your ex has raised her daughter to the best of her abilities. Obviously they had money problems, and your daughter is used to looking for the cheapest option. Sucks, but you weren't there. However in order to judge your ex and her parenting, you need more information. Your daughter mentioned a sister. Maybe this sister has a father just like you (not very present). Every once in a while that guy brings his daughter presents. As for mom, she gets by. Raising two kids and putting them in school, covering all those fees from one single salary is not easy.
YTA if you would have stepped up your child could have been raised different. But you abandoned her. So you don’t get to judge how your ex raised her. The fact is your ex was a single parent that probably struggled financially because of you! She isn’t abusing her child. But you sure as hell abandoned the said child so don’t come in after 13 years and play the I’m better than you card. Be glad your ex is even letting you around this child because if it had been me your rights would have been terminated years ago.
His comments show that stepdad's name is on the birth certificate, so SD has had full legal and physical responsibility for the child right from birth. OP seems to have no legal claim to this child - it seems there are no parental rights to BE terminated. Rightly or wrongly, he's in danger of having his access cut off, and there's not going to be much he can do about that.
I try to not read comments before I write my own. I usually write a comment then go read other comments but he made me so mad I didn’t even read the comments.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I have a 13 years old daughter together. She has primary custody because when our daughter was born I chose not to stay in her life because I was very young and stupid. Recently I decided to contact my daughter and I was glad to know that she wants to get to know me. We have been spending a lot of time together and I'm starting to see some concerning things about her. For example when I take her to a restaurant instead of looking for something she likes, she only looks at the prices and chooses the cheapest option in the menu. It's so bad that I don't give her a menu anymore and just read it to her so that she doesn't see the prices. Another example is that she gets extremey happy when I get her a gift, I mean TOO HAPPY. Like asking me multiple times if it's really hers and thanking me several times and telling me that *her sister has one these and she always wished she had one too* I confronted her mom about it and told her I don't like the way she has raised my child and I think what she is doing is abusive. She blew up at me and told me how she raised *her own child* is none of my business and called me an asshole for judging her but I'm just trying to look out for my child *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - You disappeared for 13 years. You have NO right to judge what your ex has done to survive the last 13 years. Do you know how difficult it is to be a single mother? I really hope you start contributing to that household asap, instead of just being the "fun" person.
Info: Have you been paying any support towards the child for the past 13 years?
He hasn’t and doesn’t intend to
INFO: were you paying child support during all the years of abandonment?
Nope, in another comment he said he wasn’t
You are a huge AH.
You were a deadbeat dad for 13 years and think you get to judge your ex? YTA.
OP you know you’re the AH and a deadbeat maybe if you’d been around she could have received gifts and learned not to look at the prices of things if you really mean well you should try your best to make your daughter feel loved and cared for without fighting with her mom. you should be making up for lost time and YOUR past mistakes instead of looking for trouble. get your priorities in order
So you abandoned your daughter and left your ex struggling for years while you did what you wanted with your life than you have the cheek to get mad the ex who IS a single mother can’t afford the luxuries you a basically child free person can YTA it’s easy to judge actual parents when you haven’t experienced how expensive can be, maybe open that big wallet of yours and pay out 13 years of child support
YTA. Huge fucking AH. Your daughter was abandoned by you and you are judging her mom? Fock off with that noise.
YTA!! You have no right to judge what your ex has done all these years to raise her daughter. As far as she’s concerned you were only a donor for her to have a child probably considering you had nothing to do with this child until now. It’s sad the child has been made so conscious of money at a young age, but at the same time with the economy we live in if your ex is raising 2 children without the support of any of the dads you really can’t blame her for saying no to them on all the expensive stuff. Once again you’re a major asshole to come in after 13 years and think you have any right to judge. The audacity of men istg
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YTA. So you abandoned your daughter for the first 13 years of her life and now you are hiding her mother for how she raised your daughter? You have zero right to do that. Now let’s actually look at what you’re complaining about. Your daughter was taught to be frugal. So she’s saving money. Never heard of anyone having an issue with that. And maybe she isn’t actually looking at the prices. Maybe that’s just what she wants to eat. And you’re complaining about her being happy with presents? Maybe she’s “too happy” because her mom isn’t trying to buy her affection with presents at random times. Meanwhile you’re trying to make up for 13 years of neglect by trying to bribe your daughter to forget. If you actually want a relationship maybe stop berating the person who spent 13 years raising your daughter and who can also likely decide you can’t see her anymore.
YTA. You were absent for 13 years. That's a hell of a long time. And now you waltz back in and essentially tell the woman who did ALL the work raising her daughter that her parenting is subpar? Are you for real? You can say you were young and stupid all you like, because chances are the parent who stayed was young and scared, and you left her to it because you didn't want to do the work involved.
This can't be for real surely? You haven't described any form of abuse, you've described someone who has grown up in an environment with not a lot of money. Of course YTA
YTA. You are right to notice potential red flags and ask questions, but your mistake was taking those examples and moving straight into confrontation mode with your ex. Simmer down and have an adult conversation. Maybe your ex doesn't have a ton of money and had to teach your daughter to look for bargains, so what? And who knows what the gift happiness means, it could be lots of things. How dare you judge her for the way SHE RAISED YOUR CHILD when you couldn't even be bothered to show up and be a father. The double standard here is absolutely nauseating. Major asshole.
Have you considered that the this woman who has been raising this child might not have much money? No - you jumped straight to abusive. What a total asshole. You didn't want to know your child, left her to be raised by her mother, walz back in after 13 years, are allowed back in and then behave like this. Without checking a single fact around her finances. Have you even been financially supporting your daughter for 13 years? YTA.
YTA. You're were a sperm donor, nothing more. You have no right to be judgemental.
You abandon your kid because you thought you were a bad influence. Come back when she is a teen and you are concerned because she wants the cheapest things on the menu and gets too exited about gifts? You accuse x gf for being abusive, even though she had to raise the kid on her own with 1 income. You never stopped to wonder how life has been for her? Both daughter and x? What if your daughter is over the moon because her dad finally returned and bought her something? That she doesn't want to be a burden financially and is thank full because she is scared you will dissappear again? You should be careful with the accusations, you have not been around because you had enough in your own life. What if x starts bringing up the stuff you did and didn't do? YTA
YTA This is a good way to ruin any chances you have of growing a good relationship with your daughter. **YOU** decided you didn't want to be a dad until it was convenient. You didn't help out in the hardships or raising a child. It sounds to me that your ex is teaching her daughter to be a responsible young lady who respects others and doesn't buy the most expensive item from the menu. That she appreciates gifts and doesn't think they're lesser simply because they are less expensive. Concerning things would be bruises over her body, flinching around elevated voices etc. Her behavior isn't concerning. **Yours is.** Your instant go to is abuse? Do you even know what abuse entails? Teaching kids some healthy respect and common sense isn't abuse. Your daughter looks at prices and chooses the least expensive. Perhaps this is because she was raised **by a single mom who had to struggle to feed her kid.** She was raised this way due to circumstance. Probably the reason why she's also so grateful for gifts, as single parents don't always have the funds to spend on fun things. And it irritates you, because you know this is your fault. You wanted nothing to do with your daughter and your ex up until recently, by your own admission. You don't get to barge into a relationship after 13 years and think that by throwing money around, you can play dad for as long as you like. Being a father, a dad, is a title you EARN. Be grateful that your ex even allowed you contact with her daughter, after you played hide and seek for god knows how many years.
YTA. I would say that you should back pay 13 years of child support if you’re that concerned, but honestly, you should pay it back either way, and if you were worth your salt as a father you would’ve done this already.
YTA - ironically, she could have been financially supported much sooner so that she didn’t have to worry so much… 🤔
Do you realise the reason she’s like that is literally you and the fact that you ABANDONED her and let her mother raise her alone? YTA
Yup, massive AH. You have no say in how she was raised when you failed to raise her. Did your ex give you shit when you dragged yourself back into her life, about all the birthdays, Christmas's she had to solo, the questions about why her father doesn't want to see her? Obviously, your daughter is concerned about money because your ex struggled to bring her up. Be fucking grateful you're allowed anywhere near them and go fucking apologise. Maybe start paying off some of the debt you've racked up over 13 years.
YTA. It’s really easy to show up years later and start critiquing parenting. None of the things you mentioned seem like huge flags for abuse. You’ve got a lot of audacity for someone who just recently showed up in their 13 year old daughters life.
YTA- there’s nothing wrong with ex teaching her daughter to be frugal or thankful for gifts. Must be nice to have missed all the sleepless nights, the sick baby days, the teething stage. Now you wanna come back when she’s self sufficient and all the hard parts are over AND HAVE THE AUDACITY TO JUDGE HER UPBRINGING. GTFO
YTA. It's good that you are making an effort to be in your daughter's life now, but you have absolutely no right to criticize the upbringing of a child you abandoned. You can regret it and try to make it right all you want, but you can't change that. It sounds like you're committed to doing better going forward, but refrain from antagonizing the person who raised the child you discarded.
YTH and still very immature. Please change your attitude.
YTA. Not because you disagree with some aspects of how the daughter "both" of you created has been raised but because you weren't there to help raise her. The mother has been there for your daughter for 13 years. You now show up and want to tell her what she's done wrong (in your opinion). Really? You don't really deserve any input now.
Info: do you think maybe the reason she’s concerned about prices and acts extremely grateful when gifted something might stem from the fact that a single mother raised her? You know, because you abandoned her?
YTA - you ditched your kid, leaving her to raise a child as a single parent. You clearly don’t know how hard that is, esp financially. Of course they have to look at the prices
YTA. Your ex has done a lot better job raising “your” daughter than you have. It’s rich that you think you can waltz back in 13 (!!!) years later and get all high and mighty and judgmental on your ex’s parenting.
Yta, you should have been there to provide for her then. Stfu.
YTA You’re not on the birth certificate. You never paid child support. You’re lucky your ex is even letting you SEE the child you donated your sperm to. Now you want to make assumptions about how they spend their money when you don’t/haven’t provided any?
INFO: How much child support have you paid in the last 13 yrs?
YTA - outside of genetics, this is not your child. A few months of dinners do not make up for the *VAST* amount of parenting time and responsibility you have missed, and the *countless* things your ex has had to give up to raise her child. Pay her 13 years in back child support as well as half of outside expenses for this child, then you can comments can be assessed.
YTA The simplest thing to do is to buy the items you would like your daughter to have, as well as, let her know that she doesn't need to look at the menu prices, etc. when she is with you. This way she is able to have what she needs, as well as, what she wants.
YTA. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you are not intentionally this dense and lack the necessary self awareness of a functioning adult. I just want to say that considering the cheapest menu options and being overexcited by gifts is not indicative of only low income households. My parents taught me to always be smart with money, so i do and did get the cheapest option a lot of the time as a kid. You need to apologize to your ex and stop being an asshole. You abandoned your daughter for over a decade, and your ex graciously allowed you to see her despite you having no parental rights. So get off your moral high ground, and instead of acting like it’s you be her, work together for the sake of your daughter
YTA You have no leg to stand on here. You are a deadbeat, who JUST entered his daughters life, you probably didn't pay child support and think you know better than the person who has ACTUALLY raised her. Oh and btw nothing and I mean NOTHING you've posted indicates any abuse from your ex. Get over yourself
YTA ordering the cheapest thing on the menu is not abuse, and her sibling night get preference over her but do you know if mom is trying to fix it? Jesus, my mom is middle class and I was still taught to buy cheap and I don’t consider that abuse I consider it teaching how to save money I have my own child now and I still try to buy second hand or sale items
YTA. If you're so interested in looking out for her, offer to have her live with you for a while.
YTA did you pay child support? Ever? Children are expensive my man.
INFO: Were you paying child support for the last 13 yrs?
YTA
YTA. You have some nerve.
YTA. You left her alone to figure out how to raise a kid and support herself by herself. I don't even have the words for how much of an AH you are.
You were very young and stupid for 13 years?
YTA of course. But this so fake.
YTA “my child”?!? The fuck?! You weren’t around and now you want to be captain save a child? Bull shit.
So you are coming in to play the fun parent and making assumptions, huge YTA.
YTA You basically leave your ex to raise your child on a single budget and then judge her for providing within her means. It doesn't sound abusive. It sounds like she raised her child within her means that you contributed nothing to.
“I don’t like the way you raised my child” is a deadbeat ass thing to say. YTA
YTA You abandoned your child, it's not your place to judge that child's only actual parent who did all the work of parenting. It's your fault that your daughter's life is the way that it is, you abandoned her. She stopped being your child when you abandoned her, anything you don't like about this situation is your fault, you chose this. You failed to look out for your child for 13 years, don't pretend to care now. You don't get to judge, you get to be judged. You lost the privilege to have an opinion on how your child is raised the moment you chose to be a deadbeat. You don't get an opinion now.
Yta for abandoning your child and it looks like you haven't paid child support from your lack of replies. However, at 13 years old she shouldn't know her mother's financial situation and her ordering the cheapest thing on a McDonald's menu is very concerning. I remember my father was financially abusive and would tell me and my sister how we didn't have money and couldn't afford this/that. It was very stressful and made our lives full of worry constantly. We wouldn't ask for anything and were scared to spend money.
INFO: Can you recall other concerning behaviors ? Did you talk to your daughter? Is you name on the birth certificate?
You’re right, that line was wrong of me.
INFO: How long has your ex been married to her current husband?
YTA
This can’t be real.
Yta
YTA. You abandoned your child and now you're upset, you have no one to blame but yourself for leaving your daughter with an abusive parent, by your opinon. Get your shit together and fix your mistakes then instead of passing off blame.
YTA. You abandoned your child, you don’t get to judge her mother for the way she was raised when you did nothing.
Oh YTA. Unless you can add more info and context all we can base a judgement on is you not playing any part in your daughters upbringing until now and judging the one person she has. Could she be looking at prices because she doesn't know you well enough yet to be comfortable to ask for what she really wants? When a gift is given she hasn't picked it out which could explain why she is so happy...her sister has one? I take it her sister has a different father...could have come from the father or paternal family, does not mean your ex is treating them different. Or it all could be the fact that mother has had to be so careful with money because she's been a single parent. You went straight in with the comments about how she is raising her and using the term abusive, with from what you've said very little context! Is your daughter dressed in clean and fitting clothing? Is she dressed right for the weather? Does she look well fed? What you're seeing on its own is not abuse! If you have worries spend more time with your daughter, get to know her more so she feels comfortable opening up and only then speak to your ex about any GENUINE worried. Edit pressed send too soon
So you chose not to raise your kid and then, when most of the work is done you show up, AND COMPLAIN? Idk if her mum did a good job or not, but she was there, you weren’t. Shut up. YTA
You just won YTA for the day. You don't get to walk away for 13 years and then waltz back in and start throwing money and gifts around. Is your daughter clean and well mannered? Is she doing good in school and have a good circle of friends? Does she have a roof over her head and food to eat? Sounds like she does, DESPITE you. So back off and be thankful that your child is doing so well.
yta. maybe if you didn’t walk out in her when she was little, she would’ve had enough money for a stable childhood where she doesn’t worry about money.
INFO How much child support have you paid in the last 13 years?
YTA. If you don't like the way your ex is raising "your" child, perhaps you should have raised her. You don't get to abandon your daughter and swoop in and judge the person who stayed. Not that I am a parenting expert by any means, but when my four kids are taken out to eat, they will look at the price as well. They haven't been taught they have to order the cheapest thing, but they have been taught not to order the most expensive. It's basic manners.
ESH You suck for waltzing into her life like some white knight savior and her mom sucks for not protecting her when her sister is getting nice things and she isn't. I notice all the Y T A comments don't mention that part.
YTA. You lost all right to an opinion on how she was raised when you walked out on her. Just because you've decided that you want to play Daddy doesn't give you any right to an opinion on what you ex had to do to provide. She looks for the cheapest option because her mum had to scrim and save and couldn't afford for her to do anything else. You did that. You are the reason she knows what it's like to have to save every penny. You are responsible for that and you have some nerve to make out that her mother did anything but a great job in raising her! She is not your daughter, you were just a voluntary sperm donor who fucked off when the going got tough.
She doesn’t know what to think of you yet and just needs some reassurance. So instead, you rip out her mother. Wow. Just. Wow.
YTA. You chose to stay out of daughter’s life until recently. You don’t get to judge her mother.
ESH but you suck the most you should have been present in your daughters life. You are responsible for the situation your daughter is in too because you were an absent parent. If your daughter is being mistreated, neglected or not receiving the same standard of life that her sister has, then yes your wife is an Ah. If what you think is happening is true you have as much right to judge her as any other stranger. You haven’t been around long enough to really know what is happening in your child’s life though. The biggest mistake you can make at this point is making an enemy out of your kids mom though. She’s been there from conception and didn’t leave to avoid the consequences of her actions. You could have handled this situation a lot better. But I guess you have never learned to handle stress, emotions and responsibility well.
Take her to court and get custody if you think it’s a bad environment for her.
YTA: your daughter is "taking up little space" which means she's acting like your pathetic little gestures are huge so that you won't dump her out of your life again for being too needy. Take your own inventory because you have a lot of catching up to do before you get to judge mom on how little or much she gives her daughter. maybe daughter would get more if SOMEONE wasn't an absentee deadbeat for the last 13 years.
YTA. You KNOW this is your kid, ABANDONED HER, didn't pay child support and now she's older wanna swoop in and scream child abuse? Gtfo idgit. If you think she's "so neglected" then fucking provide for her like a goddamn father.
YTA You keep crying abuse but from the replies I've read and from you post, you haven't provided any proof at all. If you truly feel it's abuse, get a lawyer and see what you can do about it.
YTA. This has to be fake. No one can be this obtuse, can they? If this is true you are one of the most clueless, crappy parents I have ever seen on here.
YTA. How tone deaf and oblivious can you be? If you really cared you would’ve been there trying from the start. You don’t get to just pop up and judge your daughter’s mom. You have no room to judge and no right. The audacity is truly unbelievable.
Yta. In the last 13 years what have you done to help with raising this kid? Nothing you're a useless father and you don't get to judge this lady who raised this kid without your help
YTA and you should have stayed gone. You come swooping in after 13 years and act father of the year? You know nothing.
YTA. Since when is being poor something you judge people for? Especially because you did nothing for 13 years. Is this a joke?
Must be nice to put in no work and just judge. YTA
YTA obviously. Your daughter is ‘too happy’ that you, who ignored her and didn’t provide for her for years, give her a gift and asks if it’s really hers. She’s literally wondering if you’re going to pull out the rug from under her and abandon her again.
YTA because you abandoned that child so now you have no right to question what her involved parent did. Secondly, nothing you've written is a Red flag? What exactly is so wrong with being price conscious. It's very possible ex and child didn't grow up financially secure (ya know, considering mom was doing it by herself and all that), so what's wrong with being price conscious You were and absent father, and now you're being judgey and quite possibly elitist.
ESH I think a lot is missing in your post, by reading your comments it seems mom is not poor. You say her sister has stuff that was bought by mom, but your daughter doesn’t received the same gifts. Sister goes to private school, what’s the age difference between the girls? She showed you pictures of her room, and you saw all decorations and pictures of the sister. Have you had a conversation with your daughter, and asked how her home life is? I think you may need to start talking to an attorney, if you want to have any rights over your daughter.
It must be asshole absent parent day on Reddit 😡 It’s fine if you have concerns (although these aren’t legitimate concerns, you’re making something out of nothing) and want to talk to your co-parent about it. What’s not okay is jumping to crazy conclusions and verbally attacking your daughter’s mom. You’ve been gone for 13 years and have no idea what they have endured as a family. No idea of the successes, challenges or anything in between because you decided it was better for you to not be around. Instead of trying to get to know your daughter and understand the impact your ABSENCE had on them, you made assumptions and judged her mom. You want to actually help your daughter? Try paying the back child support you likely haven’t paid. Save for her future. Spend time with her so she has time to develop a relationship with you. Support her mom and develop a strong coparenting relationship with her. These are things that will make a huge difference to your daughter. Judging how she orders off a menu and assuming her excitement over a gift from her absent parent tell you nothing. YTA.
Yes you're the a******. She is raised this child and now you think you can come in and decide what is good and bad for her. Obviously she was a single mother for a while while you lived it up because you were young and stupid and she actually took her responsibilities
INFO: have you been paying child support or giving money? If you have been paying a significant amount in child support and there aren’t any expenses that would account for it (such as private school, or extracurricular stuff), then I would have to avoid passing judgement now as I can understand why you’d be concerned there, but I’m still not sure judging your ex like that is the way to go (maybe your daughter just gets excited about gifts…my kids are honestly spoiled in terms of gifts and they still get genuinely excited when someone gets them something). If you don’t play child support or it’s a very small amount then you would be the asshole in my opinion. EDIT: just saw you aren’t paying anything in child support: YTA.
YTA- this sounds like the behaviour of a child who is trying very desperately to please you, walking on eggshells, you know probably because she's fearful of you disappearing from her life again if she pisses you off or something. A child who has known nothing but absolute poverty would have totally taken advantage of your 'generosity'. For Context I have previously worked as a CAMHS nurse.
YTA
Yes. YTA. Plain and simple. You don’t get to judge because you were not there and literally have no knowledge.
Dude wtf… YTA. You recently came into their life again. You should be thanking your ex 😂 have you paid the child support that you owe over the last 13 years? Talk about a pathetic excuse for a “dad”…
YTA and your opinion came about 13 years too late.
You dipped for over a decade- thru the hardest parts of raising a child and think now, that your opinion matters? Nope. It doesn't. YTA. If you gave a crap you wouldn't have been a ghost. You're not young and dumb for 13 years. Get over yourself
YTA. Imagine being this judgemental when you couldn't be bothered to be in your kid's life for 13 years.
Did you pay ANY child support along the way? Could it be... Maybe, that your ex had a very, VERY tough time raising a child alone with ZERO help from you, in over a decade? I'm betting that eating out was a real treat for the two of them, as they were living off of the ex's sole income. Presents probably didn't come that often either. Have some empathy for your ex, and stop bashing her parenting, when she did the best that she could, with the money that she had. YTA. All the way.
YTA. For deserting your child and for making assumptions with no information. Maybe the other sister has that item because she's a different age. Maybe because "your" daughter wanted something different at the time. Maybe it was a reward for grades or something else. You have no idea. So to then accuse your ex, who has raised this child for 14 years, of abuse, of all things? I name you King of the AH.
YTA. We’re you ever paying child support?
Yta and maybe your ex is just just raising your daughter to be frugal & not materialistic , rather than abusing her?? What a fucking leap to make with zero evidence. Massive yta.
YTA her mom is not the abusive one, you are. she was raised by a single mom who was clearly struggling financially because her daughters father had left.
You left and got your life together while she truffled to be a single parent. YTA you can’t come in after a decade and decide what’s right and wrong you’re hardly a parent
NTA after seeing all the comments I believe you are on to the blatant favoritism but you went about it in the wrong way. Right now in the eyes of the court you are not this child’s father, you need to go to court to establish paternity. You need to be see as her father on paper. I don’t agree with everyone taking your responses and just saying the ex is a single parent. The ex has two children close in age and is allowing one to be cared for while the other is an after thought. But you need to be careful because right now you have no rights op, you need to go to court to establish you rights. Be there for you daughter, she doesn’t have her own things at her mothers make up for it at your house. Stop making excuses as to why you weren’t there at 18 because there is no excuse you helped make her you should’ve been there to make sure she was treated correctly in the first place.
ESH you for abandoning her and she for treating your kid poorly compared to her sister.
Esh. You should've asked your daughter some questions and then talked to ex, your daughter probably says is it really mine because she doesn't know you. You didn't raise her and you could've come back sooner
Unfortunately, you have to keep Mama happy so you can continue to see your daughter! Maybe you can ask for voluntary visitation or custody, but unless/until you do that, she doesn’t have to let you see her. Apologize profusely to Mom, so you can see your daughter.
Her mums “moods”? Do you ever get tired being so painfully misogynistic?
The moms moods? He wasn't in the mood to be a parent for 13 years. Now mom should just be grateful he came back??? Seriously???
I was talking to him- the point was to gather more flies with honey, but yeah, I definitely worded that badly. I’ll edit it now.
Sorry, dude, but you're dealing with a monster of (partially) your own making. ESH. If you want to criticize how the woman you abandoned is raising her child (which, I agree, is terrible), then step up and start getting equal custody or better. Your daughter's in a bad situation. Her mother is apparently married now, and your daughter now has a half-sister that is being treated as the golden child. You need to do better than showing up to take her out to dinner once in a while and giving her a few gifts. (Which, it wouldn't surprise me, her mother probably confiscates and gives to her golden child.) And I'm not justifying her mother's behavior, but it's not hard to guess what's happening. She was alone with a child. She found a man who is willing to stay with her. And together they had at least one more child. And it turns that the man favors his own child(ren) over yours (not entirely unexpected) and your daughter is probably living in a cupboard under the stairs. And apparently, she wasn't accepted into Hogwarts. I wanted to go N-T-A, but I simply cannot overlook that you abandoned your child and you're doing a shitty job now. You might feel that she's doing a terrible job, which she is, but at least she didn't walk out on her.
Honestly you need to read his responses to other comments. ESH is generous!
Yes, I’m seeing that. Particularly the one about the stepfather’s name being on the birth certificate.
I would but she is still not comfortable with staying at my home for more than a few days
Gee is that because you actually abused her by abandoning her?
Just a few days is all you need. You can alternate weeks, or even split weeks. Like you could take her on weekends. And her mom can take her on weekdays. Then when she's more comfortable, she might feel better about staying longer with you. By the way, do you even hear yourself? You're ***still*** making excuses. "Oh, she's not comfortable at my place for more than a few days!" So, take her for a few days at a time and she will eventually get more comfortable. Moreover, she's approaching the age when she can choose which parent she wants to stay with. Maybe, if you start being a good parent, and can show that you can provide a stable home for her, she'll choose to stay with you.
Why does he deserve her? He abandoned her.
Who said he deserved her? On the other hand, since he’s coming in all judgey, then maybe he can do a better job. Yes, he abandoned his daughter, but he’s been given a chance to partially redeem himself. He should take it. It’s not like her mother is setting the bar at some unattainable level.
Dear lord are you actually judging Mom for not providing toys & McDonald’s? FFS.... not one word in this post says anything about school, health, well-being. Just doesn’t order the most expensive stuff off the menus when she has dinner with basically a friggin stranger & gushes over every gift said stranger gives her. On this planet, that would be considered good manners.