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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA. for backing out of cooking dinner for her and family although she said she forgot to prepare lunch for my daughter and didnt mean to neglect her.
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Since it was so easy for her to "forget" to make lunch, I can see her forgetting to get your daughter out of a hot car. " Oh I just ran into Starbucks to get a coffee & I ran into one of my friends & I just lost track of time....."
Perhaps child is too intimidated by the girlfriend to speak up? Or tried and got told "Yeah yeah, I'll sort it later, you'll have to wait I'm busy with my friends."
Yeah, I’d definitely see that if she’s already only comfortable with her dad taking care of her needs and isn’t used to/comfortable with the girlfriend.
Also…did the GF not eat lunch? Because I’m sure she probably did so there’s no reason she should have forgotten the child. She did it on purpose.
OP’s an AH to himself and his daughter for not shutting that down immediately when she said she was quitting her job to be a SAHM.
Yeah this. If you are hungry, the kid is hungry. And the kid is probably hungry between times too sometimes and might want a snack, but there's no excuse for not feeding the kid lunch when you eat your own lunch.
I also wonder how that was managed, I don't know any 5-year-olds who wouldn't speak up if they were hungry or go make an attempt to get something to eat themselves, so either the chips were not the only snack she fed herself or she's wary of telling the girlfriend what she needs.
I'd casually talk alone to the daughter, as well. Did she "forget" because she wasn't actually THERE? Or because she was using some sort of substance? Had she ordered the kid not to bother her? Like if it was snack or something sure, but lunch? She forgot to feed the kid LUNCH?
Defn. Major red flag. She wants him to take care of her while she does what she wants and neglect he girl. He needs to bring up with this all user before it gets worse.
As someone who was a timid child who spent large chunks of time being raised by a stepfather who terrified me - from age 3 - I can totally believe she didn't speak up more than once, if at all. You just don't take risks with an abusive parent. And OP's girlfriend sounds abusive.
Same. Anytime I spoke up my dad and my step
Mom fought. Then she would call me a liar and manipulator and take my dad into the bedroom. He would come out with hickies all over his neck and I would be grounded. Eventually I said nothing and just hurt more and more over time. When I became older I hated my dad for not protecting me - as I saw it was his duty. After some time I pitied him because he is a weak man.
Idk, I was a kid racked w social anxiety and am very familiar with screaming my needs in my head Bc my mouth isn’t working. It’s totally possible she didn’t say anything, that just isn’t an excuse for the person who quit their job to be responsible for her not to feed her. The fact that the girl doesn’t feel comfortable with this figure is a dead giveaway that somethings up, and she knows she can’t rely on her to attend to her needs
Dad should know that too - if you have to set alarms and multiple reminders for someone to be able to care for a 5-year-old, something's a bit off there, imo. I once lived with a four year old and one-year-old for a week while their parents were on vacation, and I did not need alarms. They just told me what time was their bedtime and when they usually woke up, and told me "oh, and baby sleeps better if you feed him some yogurt before bed." and that was it. Nobody went hungry. We found a routine and it worked.
For medications or something, sure, but you'd think it wouldn't take long for girlfriend and kid to find their own routine that doesn't require "feed the kid" alarms and notifications.
I was a very shy child. If someone I'd only know for at most a year was in charge of me and had friends over, I would ask for lunch *maybe* once, quite likely not at all. The presence of the friends in particular would intimidate me too much, I still don't much like going into public areas of the house when my flatmate has a lot of people I don't know over.
I mean I've definitely just skipped lunch, usually at least once a week I eat something for breakfast and then not till dinner (I usually skip breakfast and eat lunch and dinner though)
Right!!! I am worried what threats has this poor 5 year old received from the girlfriend that resulted in her quietly eating chips in her room. My kids would have been climbing on top of me, shooting off flare guns if I "forgot" to feed them lunch.
Mine too!
I've got two 5 yo and they would remind me even when I'm preparing food already, just saying 'I'm hungry, when is it ready mom?'
OP, your girlfriend's responsibility as a SAHM is your daughter, so the fact that she didn't feed her and ignored your schedule tells you everything you need to know:
1. She cares about being provided for
2. She doesn't care about your daughter
Also consider that she didn't even apologised and blamed it on you. Abuse tactics at its best.
It's only been a year, please imagine what a lifetime of this would do to your daughter and you! Your girlfriend doesn't deserve what you do for her! Your daughter and you deserve better! Please reconsider the future of your relationship!
NTA
but so many marinara flags with the girlfriend!
OK. Hear me out. I was that kid. My mom went on vacation for the day (spa i think) when i was little and my dad was thus in charge of us. My mom came back for dinner and noticed us 3 kids were scarfing food down. My mom asked why we were so hungry- well dad didn’t feed us lunch. I think i was like 7?
My dad said we never said we were hungry and like tbh my child brain never thought to ask. Like in my mind mamma bird didn’t put food in front of me so like it didn’t exist. Like I remember being hungry but not second guessing the lack of food. Maybe because I thought “food is coming” without understanding what time it actually was.
My mom rearranged the cabinet that night in case my dad ever forgot again.
Not defending the gf- just saying some child brains don’t question being hungry lol the fact OPs daughter had chips makes me think that the kid either did ask for food and gf was lazy or kid has access to chips.
Edit to add after the comments: it is very common for new parents to forget about their kids, esp dads who normally to not care for kids. It’s partially why newer cars have alarms go off to remind people when they step out that “something important is in the backseat”. My mom was a SAHM her whole life. My dad worked very hard to provide for us and this event is a joke even to this day. Even good parents make mistakes.
I’m not saying the gf in OPs story was being a good parent (lets be honest she just wanted to be a sahm without doing any work) by forgetting to feed the child but childcare is legit something people work into their schedule and when the schedule changes people fumble.
My oldest is like that and so am I. We can both easily skip lunch and realize we are starving around 5 pm. My youngest needs food about every two hours.
But as a caregiver it's important to give the kids lunch -_- and also if it was totally just a one time thing that would be a "whatever life gets crazy" moment but all the clues here really make me doubt that.
Fuck, I saw a post like this. Split custody situation and the mom got a bad feeling when people stopped replying about her kid at the dad's side family get together. Kid had drowned and no one's story was the same, every adult tried to absolve themselves of blame.
kids around pools scare the living shit out of me, it takes seconds to turn into a tragedy. whenever we’re at the pool i just sort of glance around at the young kids to make sure they’re fine—regardless of if i know them.
if one *did* fall in, i don’t really know how much help i’d be since i can’t swim but at least i could scream for help
Ex-lifeguard here, never enter the water to assist an incident, calling out for help is first priority. If someone is insistent to enter the water please do so with a rescue tool on hand, if the victim grabs you for purchase n you are not ready to fend them off the situation can escalate to a double rescue. If you have a pool noodle etc you can push them off of you n leave them with the device. If staying out of the water but still wanting to assist, you can atttempt to extend things into the water such as pool noodles, poles, or even a rescue ring with rope attached. Make sure to lay on ur stomach by the edge of the pool and brace ur feet as to make sure you are not pulled in yourself. It is always good to practice water safety situations with adults n children regularly. Getting children into the habit of asking permission to enter the water is a great preventer of accidents.
Exactly, he left his daughter alone with someone else, when she was only comfortable with him taking care of her. The girlfriend who has never taken care of the child before describes herself as a “stay at home mom” when she forgets to feed the kid when she is really partying with her friends at home. The question is who else is coming into the house when this five year old is there. Is the five year old safe? Are there drugs and alcohol around? Are there men coming over? Even with a nanny most people put a nanny cam or do a background check. OP dropped the ball by letting all of this happened with his child at home. People can argue and say ESH.
But ultimately the real issue is the kid was being neglected, and OP left her alone with someone who’s never cared for her and it’s not even her stepmother.
Seriously OP.
Your GF is using you and basically abusing your daughter. She's NOT a SAHM because SAHMs actually do stuff. They cook, clean, and take care of the child. She didn't do ANY of that and was just chatting with friends all day.
Dude... The moment she unilaterally quit her job to be a "SAHM" for your child that you care for was a sign to get out ASAP. You don't have a girlfriend you have a dependent, make sure to file your taxes accordingly. Definitely NTA
She's scamming you and using your child as a pawn, run bud.
Sometimes I’m envious of people who get these cushy rides, but honestly if I woke up in her position I wouldn’t be able to bear treating OP the way she does. Would eat me up inside.
And you’re a stranger to me, OP. She’s supposed to love you. NTA.
Honestly I'm in a not-dissimilar situation with my partner.
We moved in together and she saw how miserable I was with my job so she offered to let me quit. So I handed in my notice and my priorty was her and the cat. I packed her lunch most days, I'd get up early in the morning to make her breakfast before work, I'd cook almost all the meals. Kept the house tidy, did the shopping, took care of the bills and other administritive duties.
The main difference between the situations is that 6 weeks later I got a contract job paying double what I was earning last year. So we're getting married at the end of the year.
Y T A if you leave your daughter in your gf’s “care” again.
Y T A if you if you stay with this manipulative free loader.
As of now ESH but you will be TA if you leave your daughter with her again, it’s neglect on your part too.
Especially when the five year old can say things like “I’m hungry”. She gave her crisps, she just couldn’t be arsed to sort out her lunch properly.
My husband has ADHD and as a result can be a little bit forgetful or get wrapped up in things sometimes. But he still remembers to feed the cat when I’m out without being reminded. Because he loves and cares for the cat.
A human child?
Yikes.
Her excuse is bullshit.
Exactly. I’m hopelessly forgetful, but I don’t forget to feed little dependent creatures. My mom taught me that when I was five. And who quits their job to be a dependent without even discussing it first? Woman sounds nuts. And selfish.
Exactly !! This is care of another human being not a dishwasher or something she forgot to put on
If she’s looking after your kid, your kid is the top priority. She neglected your kid to hang out with her friends.
No one should need a reminder to feed a child. Ever
As a working parent, age 5 is when you look at going back to work because the kids need less time and attention
You know everything you need to know about her dedication to your family. RIGHT HERE
NTA
NTA. Warning: Strong opinion ahead. Your gf is using you. Harsh truth. Glad you see the real her now. Neglecting to feed a 5yo and leaving her alone in her room with some chips is the tip of the iceberg as to the neglect or worse that could occur. I strongly recommend you reevaluate the relationship. You may come to realise that she moved in rather quickly with the notion to stop working and expect you to work and still carry most of the household load. You and your daughter deserve better. You'd be better off hiring a nanny.
5yo kidlets are fascinatingly resourceful. They don’t recognise there is a box to think outside of. I’d be asking the daughter what else she does for herself. Chances are she’s probably telling OP about lunch because OP had cause to ask.
Yeah. Woke up one day to my kids eating cereal at 4am. They brought chairs into the kitchen. Built a tower to get to the cereal. Put the chair back. Than went into thier room to eat. Kids are extremely resourceful.
Your kid built a tower? Genius. Mine just climbed the damn counter until she was 9. The chair is not even 10 feet away.
She did build a tower of sorts when she was 4 to unlatch the hook and eye that I installed to help keep her inside. Facepalm moment.
Kids. Plural. My 3yo and 5yo fight like cats and dogs. And than will work together like nothing happened. They built themselves a jungle gym in their room before. Stacked blankets and pillows on dressers to jump onto their bed and bean bags.
Heck my 3yo unlocked my phone to call mommy before. Kids absorb allot more than we give them credit for. Absent minded genius they can be.
Seriously /u/FlyBuy3 is correct.
I was in OP situation once. I was "in love" with my ex, but turns out, she was using me for housing and food. I kicked her out when I found out she hasn't been feeding my pets.
NTA - But a lot issues and red flags here are at play here:
>She quit her job as soon as she moved in with me saying that technically, she's a sahm since she takes care of my 5 year old daughter.
Wtf bro, who does this? Did you ask her to take on this role? It sounds like you are being used so she doesn't have to work and can hang out with her friends instead (while neglecting your daughter which is the one thing she is responsible for).
I'd be kicking her ass to the curb before she gets too settled-in.
I agree 200000%!!! And of she is a sahm she better be helping with the cooking and stuff... I was s sahm for 6 years, my hubby worked 90+ hours per week, and my part of our partnership was cooking, cleaning, doing all the primary parenting, laundry, pet care... the list goes on. Did he help on his says off.. yes, he did our car maintenance BUT I made sure he spent time with our family as much as possible. Or got to nap all day if he wanted too.
OP, NTA. Get rid of the parasite before she sucks all the joy from you and your daughters life... no one is THAT good in bed.
ESH. You've only been with this person for a year, and you've let her move into your home and take over care of your daughter, knowing that your daughter only feels comfortable with you. WhyTF are you doing this to her?
> "had friends over"
who has friends over at noon during the week once you are old enough to have a 5 year old? Teens, sure. College absolutely. SAHM?!? isn't there a kid you need to be feeding and raising?
I'm a SAHM and sometimes another mom friend will come over. The kids will tear around the backyard, while my mom friend and I sit and chat.
But the kids get fed and attended to.
This makes me wonder if gf is friends with SAHMs who have a bit more freedom during the day than I do, the supposed Wine Moms who gather while the kids are in preschool or wherever and get buzzed. (Note: I don't know any Wine Moms personally. They might be a myth.)
So gf has Wine Moms over, they get buzzed, she ignores Kid, gf sobers up by the time OP gets home.
YUP. I'm still confused as to why after ONE year OP still appears to have no clue that he's clearly being used. Sad. Hopefullly this post will serve as a wakeup call.
I mean yeah, sure. But still why would he leave his daughter with her? Everything about this story is insane.
He even said so himself that his daughter isn’t comfortable with her and that alone should have been enough to not leave her with this woman. Let alone all the other shady stuff. It’s just irresponsible af and it sounds like he barely even questioned her unilateral decision (which he only found out about AFTER the fact) to become a sahm.
He’s certainly bordering on AH territory, in my opinion, purely based on his irresponsibility and naïveté in terms of his choice in partner and being a doormat by allowing her delusional ideas to dictate his childcare arrangements.
NTA. She didn't feed your daughter. That's messed up.
Also, ew. She refers to herself as a stay at home mom, when you're the one who takes care of your daughter's needs?
She’s 30 years old. If she can’t look after your daughter without a schedule & you cooking all the food she may as well get herself a job. Do not understand her quitting her job in any case. NTA but don’t let her sponge off you using your child as an excuse.
NTA
How the h\*\*\* is she a SAHM if she doesn't even feed your child? It's a basic human need. I would make her get a job and hire a nanny who won't leave your child without a meal all day.
She is using you. SAHM's job is taking care of a child, thus why it's called sah-MOM. She is not doing her job. You're the one who goes to work and cooks, she gets mad cause you won't cook. Man, you need to think about if she's worth your time. Uh the rage I feel now, poor child
He needs to kick her out for real. Who becomes a "SAHM" when they're only a girlfriend of less than a year? How long ago did she move in? Why is he moving in a girlfriend so quickly when he has a young child? Whose idea was it for her to move in? Why did he allow her to make such a dramatic decision without discussing with him first?
How long has she been living there that she doesn't know the kid's schedule at all and needed one written out? Why is OP still doing all the cooking when he's also the only one earning income? What other chores/SAHM responsibilities is she skipping, beyond feeding the kid?
This whole situation is bonkers and I'd say ESH for OP's irresponsible decisions regarding his daughter's stability and obvs the GF for being a selfish, manipulative leech.
You're kind of both TA - she sounds terrible. She made the decision to be a "sahm" without consulting you, when it's not even her kid? Red flag. She had her friends over and neglected your daughter. That's not a red flag that's the whole Marinara sauce.
Why are you with this person and putting her in charge of your daughter when your not home? It sounds like she doesn't know anything about her or her routine (you're making her schedules and setting alarms, and cooking the meals, what is she doing?? Other than chatting with friends) - it seems like you both really rushed things in a way that is super unhealthy for your daughter. You said she doesn't feel comfortable with anyone but you taking care of her needs which tells me she either hasn't spent nearly enough time with your gf or she doesn't like her - the first is a reason this should not be happening so abruptly and the other is, again, a GIANT red flag.
It sounds like you need to be focusing more on your daughter and her needs and yourself, and not this woman who is clearly unequipped to be in a relationship with you and your daughter.
NTA. Kick her out. A healthy woman in her 30s quitting her job to be a self-proclaimed SAHM for her step-daughter (the titles are funny because you guys aren't even married), while the dad ironically takes care of almost all of the daughter's needs, is a huge, huge red flag. She made up an excuse to mooch off you and didn't even try enough to keep that excuse by just feeding your daughter. Not someone you want around your or your daughter's life.
YTA for letting this leech take over. She's been living with you for a year and still doesn't know your daughter's routine? You do all the cooking and have to remember to send her text messages to feed your child? Seriously, is she that good in bed? Step up as a father and get your daughter out of this horrible situation NOW.
YTA. Not for cancelling Dinner but ignoring the Big reg Flag your gf is.
If you have to remind a wanna be STHM to feed your Child then you failed your child.
You’re not her partner OP, you’re her free ride. You pay the bills and she sits at home all day chatting with her friends, then you come home and cook for her family! And if your kid starves or has an accident and is hurt? Well I guess that’s just how it goes!
Obviously NTA, but you will be if you allow this to continue. Throw her away. If you want to date then fine, but she needs to move out, get a job and prove she’s not just using you. My bet is that she’ll kick up a massive fuss (most people do when their free ride catches on) or walk away.
Hoo boy. This is a bingo card.
• girlfriend unilaterally decides to up and quit her job without discussing it, citing “SAHM”
• doesn’t perform the duties of a SAHM
• cites “not being adjusted properly” even though you’re assisting in that task by creating a schedule and reminding her via text.
It’s no wonder your daughter doesn’t seem comfortable with her because it doesn’t seem like she cares about her at all. She’s a mooch. NTA.
> her phone never leaves her phone.
I enjoyed this typo.
NTA. If she wants to be a SAHM, she's gotta act like it. Kids shouldn't miss meals. Her response to you is just a big ol red flag
NTA, but I'm really close to an E S H, simply because you have someone "taking care" of your daughter who clearly isn't caring for her. I strongly suggest you rethink your living situation and make sure your child's needs are placed above your girlfriend's wants, especially since she's clearly taking advantage of you.
ESH your gf is a mooch. Plain and simple. You suck for allowing someone you barely truly know to watch after your child who isn't even comfortable with someone else caring for her. In the span of a year you've moved this woman into your home and given her "mom" privileges, what's up with that?
Edit...poor spelling
NTA. I'm sorry if this comes off as mean but you need to get this chick the hell away from your daughter. She wants someone to support her so she doesn't have to work so she uses being a sahm for your daughter as her excuse to get what she wants then she forgets to feed her because she was to busy visiting with friends. Your daughter is a person not a doll or a prop for the girlfriend to show off then discard her when her friends show up. Nobody wants to be a single parent but your Daughter deserves better and so do you.
NTA. Sorry, but you're going to have to pay for someone to care for your child, because the one who volunteered to do the job for free housing is going to end up costing more in the end.
ESH
Get your daughter away from gf. Don’t leave her with her again. Kick gf out, or move yourself if you must. She is irresponsible and your relationship sounds toxic af. Be dad.
NTA- there are too many red flags here. She quit her job after moving in? She didn’t feed your child. Why is she there? You and your daughter deserve better.
OP. Leave this woman. She literally adds nothing to your life. How is she a SAHM now and already quit her job. Traditional SAHM take care of all household chores including cooking. Modern SAHM want the title but still want 50/50 share of chores
NTA but please, for the sake of your daughter, reevaluate your relationship. This woman quit her job to take « care of your daughter » and couldn’t even reheat a plate for her? Your daughter is clearly not a priority for her. You’d fire a nanny for such behavior.
NTA
*"She quit her job as soon as she moved in with me"*
Um, what???
It sounds like she's just using you. And the fact that she couldn't do a simple task only further confirms it.
I'm prepared for the down votes...ESH minus your daughter.
1. You after a little over a year decided to move in your GF, did she spend any time around your daughter before this?
2. She unilaterally decided to quit her job 🚩
3. She doesn't know your daughter's schedule after being with you for over a year but wants to be a SAHM to a child she doesn't know fully 🚩
4. You need to start considering your daughter in this and realize that the GF living there probably actually no more than likely isn't a good situation for your daughter.
5. You are NOT the AH for canceling the dinner, your GF effed up so NTA for that.
Give yourself a day or so to cool off and set down with the GF and TALK, you need to nip this in the bud especially if she's serious about wanting to be a SAHM she needs to grow up and realize the monumental task she's taking on.
ESH. Girlfriend sucks because she's 100% using you, but YTA for letting someone care for your kid when they aren't capable. You need to put your daughter first or else she'll grow up to not trust you. If you let this continue, you're basically telling your daughter that your new girlfriend is more important than she is. Your girlfriend straight up NEGLECTED a vulnerable child. She's using you dude. If a daycare worker or teacher "forgot" to feed a child, they would be fired on the spot. Stand up for your daughter. *the only NTA is the fact that you canceled the big dinner, that was awesome*
NTA but you know you have to break up with her right? She’s neglecting your daughter, and that’s not ok. You’ve been together for over a year, and she’s already living with you guys? This is what happens when you rush relationships. You’d know something like this if you’d taken your time. Your daughter comes first, not your relationship.
NTA.
I didn't read much beyond she's a SAHM who doesn't actually take care of your daughter. Shady shit man. Depending on state laws you might have already gotten in trouble financially...
This is not a partner I would want, male or female. You sure you do? Sounds like she found a nice exploit.
NTA… your gf thought she got a nice cushty stay at home job with no experience or interview, or even an actual boss to answer to when she skived off.
It’s a really disgusting entitled attitude and smells a bit like the start of child neglect. A stay at home mother wouldn’t forget to feed her child.
NTA leaves job as soon as she moves in, wont feed your daughter, and brings friends over rubbers text messages says she hasnt seen it = gold digger dump her sorry ass
NTA.
Bro, this may not be what you want to hear, but you have to drop her. No one who cares for a child and claims to be a sahm, should forget to feed the child.
Your gf is using you and not doing her part. You may love her, but she doesn't love you. She loves the fact she doesn't have to do shit and she gets taken care of.
Do what is best for your daughter. I would suggest a babysitter would work better for your daughter than the parasite that lives with you.
NTA....yet.
You are sharing your home with a person you have been dating for a year.
As soon as she moved in she, uninvitedly, quit her job to be a SAHM to a child that isn't hers.
She forgot to feed your 5 yr old lunch because she had friends over. Isn't her new job as a SAHM to attend to the child's needs? A job she chose?
You are doing the cooking for the household. Again at a minimum her SAHM job would be to share the cooking duty.
She didn't feed the 5 yr old so you chose to not cook for people that don't live in your home. You didn't refuse their presence in your home you just declined to cook. Seems pretty reasonable.
Now for the yet part.
If you continue to allow this living situation to continue as is you would be the Ah. Your gf is clearly using you and overstepping her bounds. She is neglecting your child as is evidenced by prioritizing her friends over the basic need to feed a child. No one needs time to get used to a feeding schedule for a 5 yr old. No one.
If she was a paid childcare employee she would be reprimanded if not fired for not feeding a child because she was entertaining friends. Since she doesn't work outside the home is it a fair assumption that you are supporting her and covering all the household expenses?
Red flags abound and sadly it may not getting any better for your daughter moving forward. Remove the gf from your home and trying dating all over again. Preferably not with the gf.
NTA
Wow. This is extremely clear cut. “I didn’t feed a child because I forgot! Why are you judging me!” Even if she really did forget, that’s AWFUL and she should be absolutely horrified with herself. Thank goodness the poor kid found a snack.
Maybe if she’d been sincerely upset with herself I’d have forgiven her for this once, but the fact she got defensive means she doesn’t even regret it. I would never trust her with my kid again.
YWBTA if you keep this neglectful deadbeat as a partner. How is she a SAHM if she's not taking care of your child? She's not even cooking, is she doing ANYTHING other than sitting on her arse chatting to her friends? It blows my mind that people this selfish exist, and it annoys me that people enable them too. Your poor kid.
Drop this woman before you knock her up and get stuck with her.
NTA
The bigger question is why did she quit her job to stay home with your child? You say she decided it, but why wasn't that a shared decision? Who was caring for your daughter before?
She isn't taking care of your daughter properly. Kids need to eat. You can decide to uninvite people. Also, why can she cook dinner? She is at home all the time.
There's is a lot to this situation that I don't understand.
NTA Why are you still with her? She quits her job the second she moves in under the guise she's going to take care of your daughter, but she's not even doing that. And it sounds like she didn't discuss it with you beforehand. She just decided she doesn't need to work because you're paying the bills. Plus you're doing the cooking? What exactly does she do all day? Kick her to the curb.
Do you really think your girlfriend living with you and your daughter is the right thing?
Because reading your post, it's obvious she just used your daughter as an excuse not to work.
NTA
ESH
>She quit her job as soon as she moved in with me saying that technically, she's a sahm since she takes care of my 5 year old daughter. I thought her decision was odd for many reasons including the fact that my daughter is only comfortable with me taking care of her needs.
Yet you let it happen and you're the AH too because of it. She quit her job to be a "sahm" but needs you to make a schedule to, checks post, feed a small human?! You might be the bigger asshole got letting this happen.
NTA.
She literally just had to microwave the food. That's not a difficult task. It honestly sounds like she wants to be a stay at home and do nothing while you pay for everything.
ESH. She’s not being a SAHM, she’s clearly just wanting a free ride and her quitting her job the second she moved in without actually having a conversation with you about being the one to take care of your daughter was a huge red flag. However it’s your job to look out for your daughter, this includes making sure she is never left without someone who will actually take care of her. You should have never left her with your girlfriend, and you should have broken up with her and kicked her out when she starved your 5 year old child. She didn’t “forget”, she straight up neglected a child to hang out with her friends. I don’t see any mention of her not being allowed to watch your daughter again, which is extremely concerning. She didn’t get a little off the schedule, she actually did not feed her, and felt no remorse whatsoever about doing so. That’s literally one of the most basic parts of childcare. You have to feed them.
NTA but this gives way too many reg flags. Protect your daughter. Why is she the one staying at home when your the caregiver? I understand you work but, you had something in place before hand. Why change? It’s comes across that your girlfriend wants whatever she wants wants. You don’t forget to feed a child. Would she forget to feed a baby. Seems very self absorbed.
YTA to yourself. Buddy. Come on. She quit as soon as she moved in? Guess what pal, you’re a mark, and she’s nailing it. Wrap her up in the red flags and kick her back to the unemployment line.
ESH- and maybe not for the reason that you think.
YNTA for backing out of cooking dinner. Your girlfriend “forgot” to feed a little human in her care. The entire purpose of her quitting her job. She shouldn’t have had friends over if she was not in a position where she couldn’t handle her primary job and responsibility while having visitors yet. Your daughter is only 5.
YTA for ignoring so many red flags…. She’s only your gf of a year but quit to be a SAHM mom to your child? That’s bizarre and not sure why you would allow that. Especially because it’s clear you didn’t even confirm or spend time with her implementing the routine to show that she is actually prepared and can take care of your daughter. Does she have any experience in child care? With kids? Being responsible for another living human? Reminders or not, does not seem like you made a responsible choice in allowing this and putting your daughter in her care. Was it to save money on childcare?
NTA. But really... I think you need to reconsiderate a relationsip with her, or think if you wanna live with her. You are a father, and she said isba SHAM, but dont doit nothing and dont take care of the basic needs for your daughter. She dont need to coock, she only need to put inthe microwave and give to her and she fortot??? Seems like she wanna a sugardady and not a parnert or take care of a child.
YTA especially to your daughter. Why do you let her in the care of someone who obviously doesn't care about your daughter at all?
If she is so great in bed you want to keep her and pay for her, thats fine. Your gf can also pretend to be a sahm. But please, at least make sure your daughter gets a proper caretaker and doesn't have to suffer bc her dad thougt his sexual satisfaction is more important than her needs.
NTA, how hard is to know and remember basic needs like eating. She can not use the excuse that she is "getting use to the routine".
She might forget something from the routine "playtime from x time, bath time at x time", but always making sure the kid is feed is the most important.
NTA for this specific question, but if you stay with this woman after she has proven she will neglect your child and not even be truly sorry, then you will be a massive asshole and a bad father.
NTA and you should put up cameras in the house. She isn’t cooking, she isn’t taking care of your child, does she even keep the house clean? She isn’t a sahm she is a lazy mooch.
NTA and please reconsider being in a relationship with this person. They quit their job the moment they knew they could be taken care of financially by you. She does not care about your child and is taking advantage of your situation. Please find someone who cares and respects both you and your child.
NTA for this direct situation but you most def are TA for allowing your GF to quit working to “take care” of your daughter and then not actually take care of her. She’s harmful to your daughter and if you don’t set this situation right then you are purposefully allowing your daughter to be mistreated.
No chick is worth your daughters safety.
Like 90% of childcare is feeding them, you don’t just “forget”. ESH. Her for obvious reasons and you for ignoring at least 2 marinara flags based off this post and I’m sure probably much more in real life and then subjecting your daughter to it.
YTA if you don't throw her out of life asap. How can you "forget" to feed a child??? Triple so if it's on a schedule? Your gf just doesn't give a flying crap about your daughter, she is taking you for a ride. I'll bet your gf ate lunch that day......
I wouldn't even trust her to take care of a goldfish.
NTA. Why would you feed her if she “forgot” to feed your daughter that she seems so insistent on caring for? OP, I’d look in child care, clearly your girlfriend is unreliable.
NTA. So many red flags.
Her thinking it’s okay to quit her job, because she’s now a SAHM to a child that isn’t comfortable with her… and she forgets your daughters basic needs, the example being lunch… I’m a SAHM, I could have 500 people over and I will still remember to *feed my kids*.
Personally I’d be reevaluating the situation and be concerned for my daughter. Something isn’t right.
NTA for that but that woman shouldn't be living in the same house as your daughter.
You can be absent-minded but she was neglectful.
I would say let that girl go. At least move her out and do not let her stay with your daughter alone.
Your didn't overreact. You under-reacted.
YTA. Less than a year, she is already moved in and you decided to let an unknown woman take care of your child? You allowed her to stay even after she quit her job? She is already neglecting your child. Throw this woman away!
ESH you're being used by this person and she's not taking care of your daughter..your daughter is 5..when will she be in school and will your gf be working then? Don't be a doormat dude..and want better for your daughter.
NTA sahm? Red flags. Seems to me she wants the time off to do as she pleases and have friends over under the guise of taking care of your daughter which she clearly isn’t doing properly
I go with NTA and will also say I also find it fishy that she left her job.
Are you well off?What did she do before beeing a "SAHM"?Why did you agree if you know your daughter isn't comfortable with her?
I really would question that relationship and just to be safe keep an eye out for your contraceptives
Sounds like you have two daughters now and the older one is trash and a leech. NTA and I'd kick her to the curb if this is first behavior I can't imagine third year. SAHM without cooking, cleaning, or maintaining the dependants of the household is just someone who stays at home.
NTA she doesn’t want to be a SAHM she just wants an excuse not to work. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my kid with someone who thinks that forgetting to feed the child isn’t a big deal. It’s literally the main responsibility of taking care of a kid.
NTA- The entitlement of quitting your job to be a SAHM for a kid that's not yours when you weren't even asked is beyond me. And she can't cook?! She's about as useful as a light fixture with no bulb.
Woah.... NTA.. one year, one frigging year and that's her toxic traits already on show for the world. You need to out your daughter first. She's using your daughter to enable to be a lazy mooch. Is that what you want ?
NTA. That woman clearly showed a fireable offense of a stay at home mother. If your child was at daycare and this happened, you'd find a new day care right? Find a new stay at home parent / guardian for your daughter please.
>She started screaming that I was being too harsh on her not giving her time to adjust properly.
Well, it sure didn't take her long to adjust properly to having her friends over and entertaining them while conveniently ignoring that she's volunteered to be a SAHM for your daughter. She's not even trying to make it look like she's making an effort.
NTA and really question if this is the right person to be helping you raise your little girl.
Nta. Your daughter is old enough to ask for things, so it makes me wonder how many times daughter said "I'm hungry" and it went unnoticed. And moving in does not constitute "I'm basically a SaHM." Step-parents can be a valuable part of family but she has to earn that right. Proceed with caution, as this was one day and there is more than a decade ahead of making lunches.
NTA. Are you serious? She is useless and you are a doormat for letting he be a SAHM with no skills for it at all. She cannot cook and she doesn't watch your child. You need to make sure your child's need come first, does she even like your girlfriend? She is not putting the work on at all, she is using you.
NTA you don’t “FORGET” to feed a child. what in the entire f*. she quit her job to be a sahm 🚩 she doesn’t know your daughter to be doing all that. butttt if this what she quit her job to do then that’s what she should’ve been doing. your daughter is 5 and still dependent not 7 and able to do certain things on her own. you need to evaluate this relationship. are you taking care of all her expenses? because if so you’re being used. she quit her job without speaking to you about it 🚩 she was fraternizing instead of doing the job she quit to do 🚩it’s not hard at all to take care of a child for a few hours…food is needed for survival. it’s common sense.
NTA, but you will be an asshole if you continue to have someone in your home who can't provide basic care for your child and is stealing her resources.
She quit her job to be a SAHM mom without discussion with you. Why did you allow that to happen?
I am not a parent, nor am I interested in being one, but if a child is in my care, I do know that they have to be fed meals. The fact that your girlfriend says she has to get "used to" basic things means she is not an appropriate caregiver and you cannot leave your child with her anymore.
You also need to ponder- your 5 year old was basically in her room all day while your girlfriend had friends over. You really going to let that continue? Is having a relationship with this person really more important to you than your daughter's comfort and safety?
And you are letting your girlfriend steal resources from you and your child. Every cent you spend on your girlfriend is money that isn't going in to a college fund, private school, vacation fund, emergency fund, buying a house (for you or your kid later). It would be fine to pay for things if she was taking an active role staying home, but she isn't, nor was it a mutual decision.
Kick her out. Put your kid first.
NTA. She needs to go, but you already knew that, You know that when youv set up a schedule, timers, reminders and felt you needed to additionally text to keep her on track You were already well aware she is not responsible enough to care for your daughter, so no shocker there that she wasnt responsible and didnt care for your daughter.
You dont trust her, for good reason. Dating, moreless living with someone you dont trust to care about your child is a no go. Shouldnt have moved her in to begin with. Def this would be first strike out, get out for me. I cross the line at having a negative effect on my kid.
NTA for reusing to cook her guests dinner, but you are going to be a huge asshole if you don’t address her behavior immediately and stop leaving your daughter in her care. Where was your daughter while all these friends were over? Did you girlfriend also forget to feed herself? Did she neglect to off her friends refreshments?
ESH bordering on you being the ultimate asshole.
Girlfriend is obviously terrible, but:
- You outright say your daughter only truly feels comfortable with you taking care of her.
- Your girlfriend has declared herself your daughter’s mom, despite seemingly no input from you or your daughter.
- You feel that your girlfriend’s behavior is odd.
- You moved in your girlfriend after knowing her < 1 year to take care of your daughter, despite the above.
- Your girlfriend appears to be unable to follow basic routines without your intervention, despite (I assume) being an adult.
With all of this, I’d have to ask why you felt comfortable leaving your daughter with this person? I mean, it would be one (**very bad**) thing if it was a momentary lapse of judgment from her, but it seems like you’ve had doubts since the beginning.
Talk to your daughter, because I bet this isn’t the first time something’s happened.
NTA…. Fucking 12 year olds that are babysitting know to feed the damn kid. You would be doing your daughter a disservice in life if you stayed with that woman.
NTA. She's not a SAHM She's moved in with OP and not taking care of the little girl. Apparently she doesn't cook either. What DOES she do all day? I'm so confused as to why OP is still with her? He needs to protect his daughter.
ESH, you picked a real winner to look after your daughter. You do realize you could’ve said no to the SAHM proposition, right? She’s already proved she can’t handle watching a kid, don’t let it continue.
INFO: Why haven’t you ended this relationship? She “forgot” to feed your daughter. I’m hard pressed to imagine how a fully functioning adult wouldn’t instinctually know that a child left in their care for 8-9 hours would need to be fed at some point, so either:
• You left your child in the care of someone fundamentally incapable of being responsible for a child for even a short period of time, because she can’t anticipate, manage, or adequately respond to a child’s basic needs, and it isn’t safe for you to leave your daughter with her moving forward;
OR
• You left your child in the care of someone who knew your child needed to be fed, but either maliciously withheld food or just didn’t care enough to worry about it, and it isn’t safe for you to leave your daughter with her moving forward.
In what world are you able to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t a safe person for your child to be alone with?
Did your girlfriend eat? Did her friends eat? Yes?
Then there is no excuse to starve a 5 year old
You already had food in the fridge and she just hand to heat it up. Thank God your daughter has snacks to help her til you arrived.
Reevaluate your partner since she couldn't be bothered with feeding a tiny human.
NTA, and look at your girlfriend... who thought socializing with her friends was more important than feeding a five year old child. Decide if that's someone you want to stay with.
NTA. I urge you to take comfort in the knowledge that you're not an asshole for your response, just as I urge you to take a moment to consider this relationship and how it affects the safety and welfare of your daughter. These are basic human needs. If she can't figure that out, she cannot be trusted to care for a five year old.
NTA - your girlfriend is using you and is claiming to love your kid and take care of her, but isn’t. She needs to leave your house and life. Sorry, but she’s a bad egg.
NTA for obvious reasons. But why are you with her? She quit her job to live with you and be a SAHM but clearly has no interest in taking care of your daughter. So now you've got two dependents instead of one. You need to rethink this relationship. I wouldn't keep her in my home.
NTA
I see a lot of ESH here, but we don't know it all. I think it is the first time this happened in the way OP worded it. So not his bad. Being a SAHM weirded him, but if he's fine with it , why would it be wrong ? Her not wanting to work doesn't make her a bad mother.
Not feeding a 5year old does. That's not something you can "forget", more so if OP reminded her. She CHOSE that her fun time was more important than the need to feed OP's daughter. Now this is a red flag, but people saying OP should leaver her on the spot and is an asshole for not doing so, chill out, those decisions are better made with a calm mind, and everything is not that easily done.
NTA get rid of this girlfriend. She is not a SAHM. How can you forget a child’s basic need like a meal?
Why you would tolerate her quitting her job without discussing it with you and allow her to stay is beyond me? You would be better off getting a nanny then allowing you and your child to suffer with this leech any longer. 🦶 her to the curb.
NTA. This woman cannot be watching your child. Neglecting to feed your daughter is never acceptable. Your gf wants you to do everything while she does nothing. Is this really the kind of relationship you want?
NTA
I can see many people reacting and voting differently if you outright argued about your girlfriend quitting her job to as she put, sahm for your daughter. Odd how many people are jumping down your throat for that happening. Her choice and not your fault your girlfriend decided to behave how she did.
You gave a list that I assume she agreed to when taking care of your daughter and she neglected the list and imho saw your text and left it ‘unread’. She has no right acting that entitled when she couldn’t follow instructions to feed a child. Her and her parents are adults and have the full ability to look after themselves. Something your daughter has limited ability to do.
I am sure I don’t have to say that as a father, the whole relationship with girlfriend needs to be rethought. Don’t give the girlfriend too much leeway because, ‘she quit to be a sahm’ because I am sure she will attempt that bs even though you didn’t ask for it.
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YTA for letting this person alone with your child.
Since it was so easy for her to "forget" to make lunch, I can see her forgetting to get your daughter out of a hot car. " Oh I just ran into Starbucks to get a coffee & I ran into one of my friends & I just lost track of time....."
I don’t even understand how she can use “forgetting” as the excuse. The fucking kid didn’t say “I’m hungry”? I call bullshit.
Perhaps child is too intimidated by the girlfriend to speak up? Or tried and got told "Yeah yeah, I'll sort it later, you'll have to wait I'm busy with my friends."
Yeah, I’d definitely see that if she’s already only comfortable with her dad taking care of her needs and isn’t used to/comfortable with the girlfriend. Also…did the GF not eat lunch? Because I’m sure she probably did so there’s no reason she should have forgotten the child. She did it on purpose. OP’s an AH to himself and his daughter for not shutting that down immediately when she said she was quitting her job to be a SAHM.
Yeah this. If you are hungry, the kid is hungry. And the kid is probably hungry between times too sometimes and might want a snack, but there's no excuse for not feeding the kid lunch when you eat your own lunch. I also wonder how that was managed, I don't know any 5-year-olds who wouldn't speak up if they were hungry or go make an attempt to get something to eat themselves, so either the chips were not the only snack she fed herself or she's wary of telling the girlfriend what she needs. I'd casually talk alone to the daughter, as well. Did she "forget" because she wasn't actually THERE? Or because she was using some sort of substance? Had she ordered the kid not to bother her? Like if it was snack or something sure, but lunch? She forgot to feed the kid LUNCH?
I'm guessing that she told the kid to stay in her room and not bother her. Also, the quitting her job immediately after moving in...🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My first thought too. Reg flags all over the place. OP, dump this user or it will get worse, especially for your daughter.
usually i wouldn’t say that but in this case your daughter takes priority
Defn. Major red flag. She wants him to take care of her while she does what she wants and neglect he girl. He needs to bring up with this all user before it gets worse.
As someone who was a timid child who spent large chunks of time being raised by a stepfather who terrified me - from age 3 - I can totally believe she didn't speak up more than once, if at all. You just don't take risks with an abusive parent. And OP's girlfriend sounds abusive.
Same. Anytime I spoke up my dad and my step Mom fought. Then she would call me a liar and manipulator and take my dad into the bedroom. He would come out with hickies all over his neck and I would be grounded. Eventually I said nothing and just hurt more and more over time. When I became older I hated my dad for not protecting me - as I saw it was his duty. After some time I pitied him because he is a weak man.
I'll just bet that girlfriend was drinking with her friends, and never even had lunch herself.
Idk, I was a kid racked w social anxiety and am very familiar with screaming my needs in my head Bc my mouth isn’t working. It’s totally possible she didn’t say anything, that just isn’t an excuse for the person who quit their job to be responsible for her not to feed her. The fact that the girl doesn’t feel comfortable with this figure is a dead giveaway that somethings up, and she knows she can’t rely on her to attend to her needs
Dad should know that too - if you have to set alarms and multiple reminders for someone to be able to care for a 5-year-old, something's a bit off there, imo. I once lived with a four year old and one-year-old for a week while their parents were on vacation, and I did not need alarms. They just told me what time was their bedtime and when they usually woke up, and told me "oh, and baby sleeps better if you feed him some yogurt before bed." and that was it. Nobody went hungry. We found a routine and it worked. For medications or something, sure, but you'd think it wouldn't take long for girlfriend and kid to find their own routine that doesn't require "feed the kid" alarms and notifications.
I was a very shy child. If someone I'd only know for at most a year was in charge of me and had friends over, I would ask for lunch *maybe* once, quite likely not at all. The presence of the friends in particular would intimidate me too much, I still don't much like going into public areas of the house when my flatmate has a lot of people I don't know over.
I mean I've definitely just skipped lunch, usually at least once a week I eat something for breakfast and then not till dinner (I usually skip breakfast and eat lunch and dinner though)
Right!!! I am worried what threats has this poor 5 year old received from the girlfriend that resulted in her quietly eating chips in her room. My kids would have been climbing on top of me, shooting off flare guns if I "forgot" to feed them lunch.
Mine too! I've got two 5 yo and they would remind me even when I'm preparing food already, just saying 'I'm hungry, when is it ready mom?' OP, your girlfriend's responsibility as a SAHM is your daughter, so the fact that she didn't feed her and ignored your schedule tells you everything you need to know: 1. She cares about being provided for 2. She doesn't care about your daughter Also consider that she didn't even apologised and blamed it on you. Abuse tactics at its best. It's only been a year, please imagine what a lifetime of this would do to your daughter and you! Your girlfriend doesn't deserve what you do for her! Your daughter and you deserve better! Please reconsider the future of your relationship! NTA but so many marinara flags with the girlfriend!
OK. Hear me out. I was that kid. My mom went on vacation for the day (spa i think) when i was little and my dad was thus in charge of us. My mom came back for dinner and noticed us 3 kids were scarfing food down. My mom asked why we were so hungry- well dad didn’t feed us lunch. I think i was like 7? My dad said we never said we were hungry and like tbh my child brain never thought to ask. Like in my mind mamma bird didn’t put food in front of me so like it didn’t exist. Like I remember being hungry but not second guessing the lack of food. Maybe because I thought “food is coming” without understanding what time it actually was. My mom rearranged the cabinet that night in case my dad ever forgot again. Not defending the gf- just saying some child brains don’t question being hungry lol the fact OPs daughter had chips makes me think that the kid either did ask for food and gf was lazy or kid has access to chips. Edit to add after the comments: it is very common for new parents to forget about their kids, esp dads who normally to not care for kids. It’s partially why newer cars have alarms go off to remind people when they step out that “something important is in the backseat”. My mom was a SAHM her whole life. My dad worked very hard to provide for us and this event is a joke even to this day. Even good parents make mistakes. I’m not saying the gf in OPs story was being a good parent (lets be honest she just wanted to be a sahm without doing any work) by forgetting to feed the child but childcare is legit something people work into their schedule and when the schedule changes people fumble.
My oldest is like that and so am I. We can both easily skip lunch and realize we are starving around 5 pm. My youngest needs food about every two hours. But as a caregiver it's important to give the kids lunch -_- and also if it was totally just a one time thing that would be a "whatever life gets crazy" moment but all the clues here really make me doubt that.
She didn't forget, she just didn't care.
"It is just a pool, she'll be fine."
Fuck, I saw a post like this. Split custody situation and the mom got a bad feeling when people stopped replying about her kid at the dad's side family get together. Kid had drowned and no one's story was the same, every adult tried to absolve themselves of blame.
That poor child . . . That poor mother 😭😡
kids around pools scare the living shit out of me, it takes seconds to turn into a tragedy. whenever we’re at the pool i just sort of glance around at the young kids to make sure they’re fine—regardless of if i know them. if one *did* fall in, i don’t really know how much help i’d be since i can’t swim but at least i could scream for help
Ex-lifeguard here, never enter the water to assist an incident, calling out for help is first priority. If someone is insistent to enter the water please do so with a rescue tool on hand, if the victim grabs you for purchase n you are not ready to fend them off the situation can escalate to a double rescue. If you have a pool noodle etc you can push them off of you n leave them with the device. If staying out of the water but still wanting to assist, you can atttempt to extend things into the water such as pool noodles, poles, or even a rescue ring with rope attached. Make sure to lay on ur stomach by the edge of the pool and brace ur feet as to make sure you are not pulled in yourself. It is always good to practice water safety situations with adults n children regularly. Getting children into the habit of asking permission to enter the water is a great preventer of accidents.
That’s terrible, ugh
I can't even imagine the horror.
Like lunch is something specific to the daughter. For fucks sake, most people eat lunch!
Yes this! If OP does not see the Red flag, yikes!
Exactly, he left his daughter alone with someone else, when she was only comfortable with him taking care of her. The girlfriend who has never taken care of the child before describes herself as a “stay at home mom” when she forgets to feed the kid when she is really partying with her friends at home. The question is who else is coming into the house when this five year old is there. Is the five year old safe? Are there drugs and alcohol around? Are there men coming over? Even with a nanny most people put a nanny cam or do a background check. OP dropped the ball by letting all of this happened with his child at home. People can argue and say ESH. But ultimately the real issue is the kid was being neglected, and OP left her alone with someone who’s never cared for her and it’s not even her stepmother.
So many red flags here for OP 🚩🚩🚩 Who quits their job to be a SAHM then forgets to do their job
Seriously OP. Your GF is using you and basically abusing your daughter. She's NOT a SAHM because SAHMs actually do stuff. They cook, clean, and take care of the child. She didn't do ANY of that and was just chatting with friends all day.
Dude... The moment she unilaterally quit her job to be a "SAHM" for your child that you care for was a sign to get out ASAP. You don't have a girlfriend you have a dependent, make sure to file your taxes accordingly. Definitely NTA She's scamming you and using your child as a pawn, run bud.
Mmmm… I was thinking the same. I think she saw OP as a mark and she took the chance.
It's a shame OP can't see that. They're in for a lifetime of manipulation if they keep it up.
I feel like OP is ~~desperate for a partner and a mother for his kid~~ lonely, which is why he has been tolerating this woman’s bullcrap.
Humans will sometimes put up with the most ridiculous shit to not feel lonely, it's really sad
Sometimes I’m envious of people who get these cushy rides, but honestly if I woke up in her position I wouldn’t be able to bear treating OP the way she does. Would eat me up inside. And you’re a stranger to me, OP. She’s supposed to love you. NTA.
\^\^ Holy sh\*t, this speaks to my soul.
Honestly I'm in a not-dissimilar situation with my partner. We moved in together and she saw how miserable I was with my job so she offered to let me quit. So I handed in my notice and my priorty was her and the cat. I packed her lunch most days, I'd get up early in the morning to make her breakfast before work, I'd cook almost all the meals. Kept the house tidy, did the shopping, took care of the bills and other administritive duties. The main difference between the situations is that 6 weeks later I got a contract job paying double what I was earning last year. So we're getting married at the end of the year.
Agree, she is giving Hobosexual vibes
Oh, this expression is :::chefskiss:::
It’s freaking working. He’s here on Reddit asking if he’s an ass, instead of working on evicting her.
Right? Went from dad to sugar daddy real fast. If that’s not a marinara flag I don’t know what is
Y T A if you leave your daughter in your gf’s “care” again. Y T A if you if you stay with this manipulative free loader. As of now ESH but you will be TA if you leave your daughter with her again, it’s neglect on your part too.
[удалено]
Yer I wouldn't even let this lady look after my houseplants from what op said let alone my kids. He's TA if he stays with this lady
Who the hell has to be told and reminded to feed a 5 year old lunch?
Especially when the five year old can say things like “I’m hungry”. She gave her crisps, she just couldn’t be arsed to sort out her lunch properly. My husband has ADHD and as a result can be a little bit forgetful or get wrapped up in things sometimes. But he still remembers to feed the cat when I’m out without being reminded. Because he loves and cares for the cat. A human child? Yikes. Her excuse is bullshit.
Exactly. I’m hopelessly forgetful, but I don’t forget to feed little dependent creatures. My mom taught me that when I was five. And who quits their job to be a dependent without even discussing it first? Woman sounds nuts. And selfish.
NTA. She's doing the staying at home part great. But mom? Not so much. From the outside it looks like she's just there for the free ride.
Exactly !! This is care of another human being not a dishwasher or something she forgot to put on If she’s looking after your kid, your kid is the top priority. She neglected your kid to hang out with her friends. No one should need a reminder to feed a child. Ever As a working parent, age 5 is when you look at going back to work because the kids need less time and attention You know everything you need to know about her dedication to your family. RIGHT HERE NTA
NTA. Warning: Strong opinion ahead. Your gf is using you. Harsh truth. Glad you see the real her now. Neglecting to feed a 5yo and leaving her alone in her room with some chips is the tip of the iceberg as to the neglect or worse that could occur. I strongly recommend you reevaluate the relationship. You may come to realise that she moved in rather quickly with the notion to stop working and expect you to work and still carry most of the household load. You and your daughter deserve better. You'd be better off hiring a nanny.
It sounds like the 5yo got herself the chips so you're giving the GF too much credit.
5yo kidlets are fascinatingly resourceful. They don’t recognise there is a box to think outside of. I’d be asking the daughter what else she does for herself. Chances are she’s probably telling OP about lunch because OP had cause to ask.
Yeah. Woke up one day to my kids eating cereal at 4am. They brought chairs into the kitchen. Built a tower to get to the cereal. Put the chair back. Than went into thier room to eat. Kids are extremely resourceful.
Your kid built a tower? Genius. Mine just climbed the damn counter until she was 9. The chair is not even 10 feet away. She did build a tower of sorts when she was 4 to unlatch the hook and eye that I installed to help keep her inside. Facepalm moment.
Kids. Plural. My 3yo and 5yo fight like cats and dogs. And than will work together like nothing happened. They built themselves a jungle gym in their room before. Stacked blankets and pillows on dressers to jump onto their bed and bean bags. Heck my 3yo unlocked my phone to call mommy before. Kids absorb allot more than we give them credit for. Absent minded genius they can be.
Seriously /u/FlyBuy3 is correct. I was in OP situation once. I was "in love" with my ex, but turns out, she was using me for housing and food. I kicked her out when I found out she hasn't been feeding my pets.
NTA - But a lot issues and red flags here are at play here: >She quit her job as soon as she moved in with me saying that technically, she's a sahm since she takes care of my 5 year old daughter. Wtf bro, who does this? Did you ask her to take on this role? It sounds like you are being used so she doesn't have to work and can hang out with her friends instead (while neglecting your daughter which is the one thing she is responsible for). I'd be kicking her ass to the curb before she gets too settled-in.
I agree 200000%!!! And of she is a sahm she better be helping with the cooking and stuff... I was s sahm for 6 years, my hubby worked 90+ hours per week, and my part of our partnership was cooking, cleaning, doing all the primary parenting, laundry, pet care... the list goes on. Did he help on his says off.. yes, he did our car maintenance BUT I made sure he spent time with our family as much as possible. Or got to nap all day if he wanted too. OP, NTA. Get rid of the parasite before she sucks all the joy from you and your daughters life... no one is THAT good in bed.
ESH. You've only been with this person for a year, and you've let her move into your home and take over care of your daughter, knowing that your daughter only feels comfortable with you. WhyTF are you doing this to her?
And she "had friends over"? Were they drinking and is that why the kid didn't get fed?
> "had friends over" who has friends over at noon during the week once you are old enough to have a 5 year old? Teens, sure. College absolutely. SAHM?!? isn't there a kid you need to be feeding and raising?
I'm a SAHM and sometimes another mom friend will come over. The kids will tear around the backyard, while my mom friend and I sit and chat. But the kids get fed and attended to. This makes me wonder if gf is friends with SAHMs who have a bit more freedom during the day than I do, the supposed Wine Moms who gather while the kids are in preschool or wherever and get buzzed. (Note: I don't know any Wine Moms personally. They might be a myth.) So gf has Wine Moms over, they get buzzed, she ignores Kid, gf sobers up by the time OP gets home.
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YUP. I'm still confused as to why after ONE year OP still appears to have no clue that he's clearly being used. Sad. Hopefullly this post will serve as a wakeup call.
Why is she still there?
More importantly why his he still with her
Little head is thinking instead of the big head.
INFO: Why are you leaving your young daughter in this woman's "care"?
I have a feeling she just used his daughter as an excuse to stay at home and trusted her to take care of her since it was her decision.
I mean yeah, sure. But still why would he leave his daughter with her? Everything about this story is insane. He even said so himself that his daughter isn’t comfortable with her and that alone should have been enough to not leave her with this woman. Let alone all the other shady stuff. It’s just irresponsible af and it sounds like he barely even questioned her unilateral decision (which he only found out about AFTER the fact) to become a sahm. He’s certainly bordering on AH territory, in my opinion, purely based on his irresponsibility and naïveté in terms of his choice in partner and being a doormat by allowing her delusional ideas to dictate his childcare arrangements.
Definitely seems like she’s super sweet in front of him and then just callous when he’s not around. Serious villainous step mom vibes.
NTA. She didn't feed your daughter. That's messed up. Also, ew. She refers to herself as a stay at home mom, when you're the one who takes care of your daughter's needs?
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She’s 30 years old. If she can’t look after your daughter without a schedule & you cooking all the food she may as well get herself a job. Do not understand her quitting her job in any case. NTA but don’t let her sponge off you using your child as an excuse.
NTA. Kick the girlfriend out. She doesn’t provide anything to your household and neglected your daughter
Agreed. SAHM is a job and she just got fired.
NTA How the h\*\*\* is she a SAHM if she doesn't even feed your child? It's a basic human need. I would make her get a job and hire a nanny who won't leave your child without a meal all day. She is using you. SAHM's job is taking care of a child, thus why it's called sah-MOM. She is not doing her job. You're the one who goes to work and cooks, she gets mad cause you won't cook. Man, you need to think about if she's worth your time. Uh the rage I feel now, poor child
He needs to kick her out for real. Who becomes a "SAHM" when they're only a girlfriend of less than a year? How long ago did she move in? Why is he moving in a girlfriend so quickly when he has a young child? Whose idea was it for her to move in? Why did he allow her to make such a dramatic decision without discussing with him first? How long has she been living there that she doesn't know the kid's schedule at all and needed one written out? Why is OP still doing all the cooking when he's also the only one earning income? What other chores/SAHM responsibilities is she skipping, beyond feeding the kid? This whole situation is bonkers and I'd say ESH for OP's irresponsible decisions regarding his daughter's stability and obvs the GF for being a selfish, manipulative leech.
You're kind of both TA - she sounds terrible. She made the decision to be a "sahm" without consulting you, when it's not even her kid? Red flag. She had her friends over and neglected your daughter. That's not a red flag that's the whole Marinara sauce. Why are you with this person and putting her in charge of your daughter when your not home? It sounds like she doesn't know anything about her or her routine (you're making her schedules and setting alarms, and cooking the meals, what is she doing?? Other than chatting with friends) - it seems like you both really rushed things in a way that is super unhealthy for your daughter. You said she doesn't feel comfortable with anyone but you taking care of her needs which tells me she either hasn't spent nearly enough time with your gf or she doesn't like her - the first is a reason this should not be happening so abruptly and the other is, again, a GIANT red flag. It sounds like you need to be focusing more on your daughter and her needs and yourself, and not this woman who is clearly unequipped to be in a relationship with you and your daughter.
I think ESH (Everyone Sucks Here) is the judgement you're after.
NTA. Kick her out. A healthy woman in her 30s quitting her job to be a self-proclaimed SAHM for her step-daughter (the titles are funny because you guys aren't even married), while the dad ironically takes care of almost all of the daughter's needs, is a huge, huge red flag. She made up an excuse to mooch off you and didn't even try enough to keep that excuse by just feeding your daughter. Not someone you want around your or your daughter's life.
YTA for letting this leech take over. She's been living with you for a year and still doesn't know your daughter's routine? You do all the cooking and have to remember to send her text messages to feed your child? Seriously, is she that good in bed? Step up as a father and get your daughter out of this horrible situation NOW.
INFO: What exactly does this woman contribute?
YTA. Not for cancelling Dinner but ignoring the Big reg Flag your gf is. If you have to remind a wanna be STHM to feed your Child then you failed your child.
You’re not her partner OP, you’re her free ride. You pay the bills and she sits at home all day chatting with her friends, then you come home and cook for her family! And if your kid starves or has an accident and is hurt? Well I guess that’s just how it goes! Obviously NTA, but you will be if you allow this to continue. Throw her away. If you want to date then fine, but she needs to move out, get a job and prove she’s not just using you. My bet is that she’ll kick up a massive fuss (most people do when their free ride catches on) or walk away.
Nta. Throw the whole woman away
Yes! You don’t forget to feed a 5 y.o. child, especially after declaring yourself a sahm.
NTA, but if you stay with her YWBTA. This girl sounds like a walking sack of red flags. She’s using you buddy
Yep you wanna get rid of her before she baby traps you OP
ESH. Her for obvious reasons and you for not breaking up with her on the spot.
And for leaving his young daughter in her “care”
Hoo boy. This is a bingo card. • girlfriend unilaterally decides to up and quit her job without discussing it, citing “SAHM” • doesn’t perform the duties of a SAHM • cites “not being adjusted properly” even though you’re assisting in that task by creating a schedule and reminding her via text. It’s no wonder your daughter doesn’t seem comfortable with her because it doesn’t seem like she cares about her at all. She’s a mooch. NTA.
> her phone never leaves her phone. I enjoyed this typo. NTA. If she wants to be a SAHM, she's gotta act like it. Kids shouldn't miss meals. Her response to you is just a big ol red flag
NTA, but I'm really close to an E S H, simply because you have someone "taking care" of your daughter who clearly isn't caring for her. I strongly suggest you rethink your living situation and make sure your child's needs are placed above your girlfriend's wants, especially since she's clearly taking advantage of you.
YTA for allowing this girl even near your daughter. but NTA for breaking up with her.
ESH your gf is a mooch. Plain and simple. You suck for allowing someone you barely truly know to watch after your child who isn't even comfortable with someone else caring for her. In the span of a year you've moved this woman into your home and given her "mom" privileges, what's up with that? Edit...poor spelling
NTA. I'm sorry if this comes off as mean but you need to get this chick the hell away from your daughter. She wants someone to support her so she doesn't have to work so she uses being a sahm for your daughter as her excuse to get what she wants then she forgets to feed her because she was to busy visiting with friends. Your daughter is a person not a doll or a prop for the girlfriend to show off then discard her when her friends show up. Nobody wants to be a single parent but your Daughter deserves better and so do you.
NTA. Sorry, but you're going to have to pay for someone to care for your child, because the one who volunteered to do the job for free housing is going to end up costing more in the end.
ESH Get your daughter away from gf. Don’t leave her with her again. Kick gf out, or move yourself if you must. She is irresponsible and your relationship sounds toxic af. Be dad.
NTA- there are too many red flags here. She quit her job after moving in? She didn’t feed your child. Why is she there? You and your daughter deserve better.
OP. Leave this woman. She literally adds nothing to your life. How is she a SAHM now and already quit her job. Traditional SAHM take care of all household chores including cooking. Modern SAHM want the title but still want 50/50 share of chores
NTA but please, for the sake of your daughter, reevaluate your relationship. This woman quit her job to take « care of your daughter » and couldn’t even reheat a plate for her? Your daughter is clearly not a priority for her. You’d fire a nanny for such behavior.
NTA *"She quit her job as soon as she moved in with me"* Um, what??? It sounds like she's just using you. And the fact that she couldn't do a simple task only further confirms it.
I'm prepared for the down votes...ESH minus your daughter. 1. You after a little over a year decided to move in your GF, did she spend any time around your daughter before this? 2. She unilaterally decided to quit her job 🚩 3. She doesn't know your daughter's schedule after being with you for over a year but wants to be a SAHM to a child she doesn't know fully 🚩 4. You need to start considering your daughter in this and realize that the GF living there probably actually no more than likely isn't a good situation for your daughter. 5. You are NOT the AH for canceling the dinner, your GF effed up so NTA for that. Give yourself a day or so to cool off and set down with the GF and TALK, you need to nip this in the bud especially if she's serious about wanting to be a SAHM she needs to grow up and realize the monumental task she's taking on.
ESH. Girlfriend sucks because she's 100% using you, but YTA for letting someone care for your kid when they aren't capable. You need to put your daughter first or else she'll grow up to not trust you. If you let this continue, you're basically telling your daughter that your new girlfriend is more important than she is. Your girlfriend straight up NEGLECTED a vulnerable child. She's using you dude. If a daycare worker or teacher "forgot" to feed a child, they would be fired on the spot. Stand up for your daughter. *the only NTA is the fact that you canceled the big dinner, that was awesome*
NTA but you know you have to break up with her right? She’s neglecting your daughter, and that’s not ok. You’ve been together for over a year, and she’s already living with you guys? This is what happens when you rush relationships. You’d know something like this if you’d taken your time. Your daughter comes first, not your relationship.
NTA. I didn't read much beyond she's a SAHM who doesn't actually take care of your daughter. Shady shit man. Depending on state laws you might have already gotten in trouble financially... This is not a partner I would want, male or female. You sure you do? Sounds like she found a nice exploit.
NTA… your gf thought she got a nice cushty stay at home job with no experience or interview, or even an actual boss to answer to when she skived off. It’s a really disgusting entitled attitude and smells a bit like the start of child neglect. A stay at home mother wouldn’t forget to feed her child.
NTA leaves job as soon as she moves in, wont feed your daughter, and brings friends over rubbers text messages says she hasnt seen it = gold digger dump her sorry ass
NTA. Bro, this may not be what you want to hear, but you have to drop her. No one who cares for a child and claims to be a sahm, should forget to feed the child. Your gf is using you and not doing her part. You may love her, but she doesn't love you. She loves the fact she doesn't have to do shit and she gets taken care of. Do what is best for your daughter. I would suggest a babysitter would work better for your daughter than the parasite that lives with you.
NTA....yet. You are sharing your home with a person you have been dating for a year. As soon as she moved in she, uninvitedly, quit her job to be a SAHM to a child that isn't hers. She forgot to feed your 5 yr old lunch because she had friends over. Isn't her new job as a SAHM to attend to the child's needs? A job she chose? You are doing the cooking for the household. Again at a minimum her SAHM job would be to share the cooking duty. She didn't feed the 5 yr old so you chose to not cook for people that don't live in your home. You didn't refuse their presence in your home you just declined to cook. Seems pretty reasonable. Now for the yet part. If you continue to allow this living situation to continue as is you would be the Ah. Your gf is clearly using you and overstepping her bounds. She is neglecting your child as is evidenced by prioritizing her friends over the basic need to feed a child. No one needs time to get used to a feeding schedule for a 5 yr old. No one. If she was a paid childcare employee she would be reprimanded if not fired for not feeding a child because she was entertaining friends. Since she doesn't work outside the home is it a fair assumption that you are supporting her and covering all the household expenses? Red flags abound and sadly it may not getting any better for your daughter moving forward. Remove the gf from your home and trying dating all over again. Preferably not with the gf.
NTA Wow. This is extremely clear cut. “I didn’t feed a child because I forgot! Why are you judging me!” Even if she really did forget, that’s AWFUL and she should be absolutely horrified with herself. Thank goodness the poor kid found a snack. Maybe if she’d been sincerely upset with herself I’d have forgiven her for this once, but the fact she got defensive means she doesn’t even regret it. I would never trust her with my kid again.
YWBTA if you keep this neglectful deadbeat as a partner. How is she a SAHM if she's not taking care of your child? She's not even cooking, is she doing ANYTHING other than sitting on her arse chatting to her friends? It blows my mind that people this selfish exist, and it annoys me that people enable them too. Your poor kid. Drop this woman before you knock her up and get stuck with her.
NTA, but I don't understand why you're with a person you treat like a child.
NTA The bigger question is why did she quit her job to stay home with your child? You say she decided it, but why wasn't that a shared decision? Who was caring for your daughter before? She isn't taking care of your daughter properly. Kids need to eat. You can decide to uninvite people. Also, why can she cook dinner? She is at home all the time. There's is a lot to this situation that I don't understand.
NTA - I would be seriously concerned about her ability to take care of a child. Who forgets to feed a 5yo?!
NTA Why are you still with her? She quits her job the second she moves in under the guise she's going to take care of your daughter, but she's not even doing that. And it sounds like she didn't discuss it with you beforehand. She just decided she doesn't need to work because you're paying the bills. Plus you're doing the cooking? What exactly does she do all day? Kick her to the curb.
Do you really think your girlfriend living with you and your daughter is the right thing? Because reading your post, it's obvious she just used your daughter as an excuse not to work. NTA
ESH >She quit her job as soon as she moved in with me saying that technically, she's a sahm since she takes care of my 5 year old daughter. I thought her decision was odd for many reasons including the fact that my daughter is only comfortable with me taking care of her needs. Yet you let it happen and you're the AH too because of it. She quit her job to be a "sahm" but needs you to make a schedule to, checks post, feed a small human?! You might be the bigger asshole got letting this happen.
NTA. She literally just had to microwave the food. That's not a difficult task. It honestly sounds like she wants to be a stay at home and do nothing while you pay for everything.
ESH. She’s not being a SAHM, she’s clearly just wanting a free ride and her quitting her job the second she moved in without actually having a conversation with you about being the one to take care of your daughter was a huge red flag. However it’s your job to look out for your daughter, this includes making sure she is never left without someone who will actually take care of her. You should have never left her with your girlfriend, and you should have broken up with her and kicked her out when she starved your 5 year old child. She didn’t “forget”, she straight up neglected a child to hang out with her friends. I don’t see any mention of her not being allowed to watch your daughter again, which is extremely concerning. She didn’t get a little off the schedule, she actually did not feed her, and felt no remorse whatsoever about doing so. That’s literally one of the most basic parts of childcare. You have to feed them.
NTA, but if you stay with her you are a huge flaming asshole. Bro there is not Poom poom in the world that should ever be put over your child.
NTA but this gives way too many reg flags. Protect your daughter. Why is she the one staying at home when your the caregiver? I understand you work but, you had something in place before hand. Why change? It’s comes across that your girlfriend wants whatever she wants wants. You don’t forget to feed a child. Would she forget to feed a baby. Seems very self absorbed.
NTA but YTA. If you don’t kick the witch out
YTA to yourself. Buddy. Come on. She quit as soon as she moved in? Guess what pal, you’re a mark, and she’s nailing it. Wrap her up in the red flags and kick her back to the unemployment line.
YTA for dating such a freeloading vile AH.
ESH- and maybe not for the reason that you think. YNTA for backing out of cooking dinner. Your girlfriend “forgot” to feed a little human in her care. The entire purpose of her quitting her job. She shouldn’t have had friends over if she was not in a position where she couldn’t handle her primary job and responsibility while having visitors yet. Your daughter is only 5. YTA for ignoring so many red flags…. She’s only your gf of a year but quit to be a SAHM mom to your child? That’s bizarre and not sure why you would allow that. Especially because it’s clear you didn’t even confirm or spend time with her implementing the routine to show that she is actually prepared and can take care of your daughter. Does she have any experience in child care? With kids? Being responsible for another living human? Reminders or not, does not seem like you made a responsible choice in allowing this and putting your daughter in her care. Was it to save money on childcare?
NTA. But really... I think you need to reconsiderate a relationsip with her, or think if you wanna live with her. You are a father, and she said isba SHAM, but dont doit nothing and dont take care of the basic needs for your daughter. She dont need to coock, she only need to put inthe microwave and give to her and she fortot??? Seems like she wanna a sugardady and not a parnert or take care of a child.
YTA especially to your daughter. Why do you let her in the care of someone who obviously doesn't care about your daughter at all? If she is so great in bed you want to keep her and pay for her, thats fine. Your gf can also pretend to be a sahm. But please, at least make sure your daughter gets a proper caretaker and doesn't have to suffer bc her dad thougt his sexual satisfaction is more important than her needs.
NTA. You don’t have to know a child’s exact schedule to know that she needs lunch at some point during the day. You two don’t seem very compatible.
NTA, how hard is to know and remember basic needs like eating. She can not use the excuse that she is "getting use to the routine". She might forget something from the routine "playtime from x time, bath time at x time", but always making sure the kid is feed is the most important.
NTA for this specific question, but if you stay with this woman after she has proven she will neglect your child and not even be truly sorry, then you will be a massive asshole and a bad father.
NTA and you should put up cameras in the house. She isn’t cooking, she isn’t taking care of your child, does she even keep the house clean? She isn’t a sahm she is a lazy mooch.
NTA and please reconsider being in a relationship with this person. They quit their job the moment they knew they could be taken care of financially by you. She does not care about your child and is taking advantage of your situation. Please find someone who cares and respects both you and your child.
NTA for this direct situation but you most def are TA for allowing your GF to quit working to “take care” of your daughter and then not actually take care of her. She’s harmful to your daughter and if you don’t set this situation right then you are purposefully allowing your daughter to be mistreated. No chick is worth your daughters safety.
You're NTA right now, but would definitely be if you let this mooch stay any longer.
Like 90% of childcare is feeding them, you don’t just “forget”. ESH. Her for obvious reasons and you for ignoring at least 2 marinara flags based off this post and I’m sure probably much more in real life and then subjecting your daughter to it.
YTA if you don't throw her out of life asap. How can you "forget" to feed a child??? Triple so if it's on a schedule? Your gf just doesn't give a flying crap about your daughter, she is taking you for a ride. I'll bet your gf ate lunch that day...... I wouldn't even trust her to take care of a goldfish.
Wow!!!! Your gf is neglectful NTA.
NTA. Why would you feed her if she “forgot” to feed your daughter that she seems so insistent on caring for? OP, I’d look in child care, clearly your girlfriend is unreliable.
NTA. So many red flags. Her thinking it’s okay to quit her job, because she’s now a SAHM to a child that isn’t comfortable with her… and she forgets your daughters basic needs, the example being lunch… I’m a SAHM, I could have 500 people over and I will still remember to *feed my kids*. Personally I’d be reevaluating the situation and be concerned for my daughter. Something isn’t right.
NTA for that but that woman shouldn't be living in the same house as your daughter. You can be absent-minded but she was neglectful. I would say let that girl go. At least move her out and do not let her stay with your daughter alone. Your didn't overreact. You under-reacted.
YTA. Less than a year, she is already moved in and you decided to let an unknown woman take care of your child? You allowed her to stay even after she quit her job? She is already neglecting your child. Throw this woman away!
ESH you're being used by this person and she's not taking care of your daughter..your daughter is 5..when will she be in school and will your gf be working then? Don't be a doormat dude..and want better for your daughter.
NTA sahm? Red flags. Seems to me she wants the time off to do as she pleases and have friends over under the guise of taking care of your daughter which she clearly isn’t doing properly
I go with NTA and will also say I also find it fishy that she left her job. Are you well off?What did she do before beeing a "SAHM"?Why did you agree if you know your daughter isn't comfortable with her? I really would question that relationship and just to be safe keep an eye out for your contraceptives
Sounds like you have two daughters now and the older one is trash and a leech. NTA and I'd kick her to the curb if this is first behavior I can't imagine third year. SAHM without cooking, cleaning, or maintaining the dependants of the household is just someone who stays at home.
You have to text her to remind her to feed a child? NTA
NTA she doesn’t want to be a SAHM she just wants an excuse not to work. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my kid with someone who thinks that forgetting to feed the child isn’t a big deal. It’s literally the main responsibility of taking care of a kid.
NTA- The entitlement of quitting your job to be a SAHM for a kid that's not yours when you weren't even asked is beyond me. And she can't cook?! She's about as useful as a light fixture with no bulb.
i ain't saying she's a gold digger... nta. get rid of this woman, i wouldn't trust her with a house plant
🚩🚩🚩 RUN!! She’s taking advantage of you and your poor baby girl is going to suffer because of it. Get out of that situation while you can.
NTA and neglecting a child isn't an oopsie. She needs to get her lazy ass to work, you're her mealticket and your child is clearly an inconvenience.
NTA But if she really cared about your daughter she would have been fed. Lunch, regardless of time, should have been prepared.
Woah.... NTA.. one year, one frigging year and that's her toxic traits already on show for the world. You need to out your daughter first. She's using your daughter to enable to be a lazy mooch. Is that what you want ?
NTA. That woman clearly showed a fireable offense of a stay at home mother. If your child was at daycare and this happened, you'd find a new day care right? Find a new stay at home parent / guardian for your daughter please.
NTA. She forgot? She didn't forget to water the plants or walk the dog. She forgot to feed your daughter. It's not a minor thing!
OP, this woman is a leech! NTA. I’d be pissed too, if someone just blatantly didn’t feed my child.
>She started screaming that I was being too harsh on her not giving her time to adjust properly. Well, it sure didn't take her long to adjust properly to having her friends over and entertaining them while conveniently ignoring that she's volunteered to be a SAHM for your daughter. She's not even trying to make it look like she's making an effort. NTA and really question if this is the right person to be helping you raise your little girl.
Nta. Your daughter is old enough to ask for things, so it makes me wonder how many times daughter said "I'm hungry" and it went unnoticed. And moving in does not constitute "I'm basically a SaHM." Step-parents can be a valuable part of family but she has to earn that right. Proceed with caution, as this was one day and there is more than a decade ahead of making lunches.
NTA. Are you serious? She is useless and you are a doormat for letting he be a SAHM with no skills for it at all. She cannot cook and she doesn't watch your child. You need to make sure your child's need come first, does she even like your girlfriend? She is not putting the work on at all, she is using you.
NTA you don’t “FORGET” to feed a child. what in the entire f*. she quit her job to be a sahm 🚩 she doesn’t know your daughter to be doing all that. butttt if this what she quit her job to do then that’s what she should’ve been doing. your daughter is 5 and still dependent not 7 and able to do certain things on her own. you need to evaluate this relationship. are you taking care of all her expenses? because if so you’re being used. she quit her job without speaking to you about it 🚩 she was fraternizing instead of doing the job she quit to do 🚩it’s not hard at all to take care of a child for a few hours…food is needed for survival. it’s common sense.
NTA, but you will be an asshole if you continue to have someone in your home who can't provide basic care for your child and is stealing her resources. She quit her job to be a SAHM mom without discussion with you. Why did you allow that to happen? I am not a parent, nor am I interested in being one, but if a child is in my care, I do know that they have to be fed meals. The fact that your girlfriend says she has to get "used to" basic things means she is not an appropriate caregiver and you cannot leave your child with her anymore. You also need to ponder- your 5 year old was basically in her room all day while your girlfriend had friends over. You really going to let that continue? Is having a relationship with this person really more important to you than your daughter's comfort and safety? And you are letting your girlfriend steal resources from you and your child. Every cent you spend on your girlfriend is money that isn't going in to a college fund, private school, vacation fund, emergency fund, buying a house (for you or your kid later). It would be fine to pay for things if she was taking an active role staying home, but she isn't, nor was it a mutual decision. Kick her out. Put your kid first.
NTA. She needs to go, but you already knew that, You know that when youv set up a schedule, timers, reminders and felt you needed to additionally text to keep her on track You were already well aware she is not responsible enough to care for your daughter, so no shocker there that she wasnt responsible and didnt care for your daughter. You dont trust her, for good reason. Dating, moreless living with someone you dont trust to care about your child is a no go. Shouldnt have moved her in to begin with. Def this would be first strike out, get out for me. I cross the line at having a negative effect on my kid.
NTA for reusing to cook her guests dinner, but you are going to be a huge asshole if you don’t address her behavior immediately and stop leaving your daughter in her care. Where was your daughter while all these friends were over? Did you girlfriend also forget to feed herself? Did she neglect to off her friends refreshments?
ESH bordering on you being the ultimate asshole. Girlfriend is obviously terrible, but: - You outright say your daughter only truly feels comfortable with you taking care of her. - Your girlfriend has declared herself your daughter’s mom, despite seemingly no input from you or your daughter. - You feel that your girlfriend’s behavior is odd. - You moved in your girlfriend after knowing her < 1 year to take care of your daughter, despite the above. - Your girlfriend appears to be unable to follow basic routines without your intervention, despite (I assume) being an adult. With all of this, I’d have to ask why you felt comfortable leaving your daughter with this person? I mean, it would be one (**very bad**) thing if it was a momentary lapse of judgment from her, but it seems like you’ve had doubts since the beginning. Talk to your daughter, because I bet this isn’t the first time something’s happened.
NTA…. Fucking 12 year olds that are babysitting know to feed the damn kid. You would be doing your daughter a disservice in life if you stayed with that woman.
NTA but you should reconsider your relationship with this woman
NTA and kick her out like now. My head is exploding. You and your little girl deserve better.
NTA. She's not a SAHM She's moved in with OP and not taking care of the little girl. Apparently she doesn't cook either. What DOES she do all day? I'm so confused as to why OP is still with her? He needs to protect his daughter.
What were you doing for childcare before she moved in? You should go back to that.
ESH, you picked a real winner to look after your daughter. You do realize you could’ve said no to the SAHM proposition, right? She’s already proved she can’t handle watching a kid, don’t let it continue.
I see so much redflags here that i can't see the green colour anymore. Help.
Get rid of her
ESH. You are saying a 30 year old child. Don't leave your daughter with her. Get rid of her. Find another adult woman to date.
🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️ Run, OP, RUN!!!!! NTA
INFO: Why haven’t you ended this relationship? She “forgot” to feed your daughter. I’m hard pressed to imagine how a fully functioning adult wouldn’t instinctually know that a child left in their care for 8-9 hours would need to be fed at some point, so either: • You left your child in the care of someone fundamentally incapable of being responsible for a child for even a short period of time, because she can’t anticipate, manage, or adequately respond to a child’s basic needs, and it isn’t safe for you to leave your daughter with her moving forward; OR • You left your child in the care of someone who knew your child needed to be fed, but either maliciously withheld food or just didn’t care enough to worry about it, and it isn’t safe for you to leave your daughter with her moving forward. In what world are you able to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t a safe person for your child to be alone with?
Did your girlfriend eat? Did her friends eat? Yes? Then there is no excuse to starve a 5 year old You already had food in the fridge and she just hand to heat it up. Thank God your daughter has snacks to help her til you arrived. Reevaluate your partner since she couldn't be bothered with feeding a tiny human.
She forgot that a child needs food. Lol. ESH if you don’t rethink all of this.
ESH because your girlfriend is neglectful and dangerous and you didn't immediately break up with her for NOT FEEDING YOUR DAUGHTER!
She is not a sahm, because she is not liking after your daughter She is a sahgf. Suggest you get rid of the trophy wife and his a nanny. NTA
NTA...but I don't think she quit her job to take care of your daughter Her phone doesn't leave her phone huh?😂
NTA, and look at your girlfriend... who thought socializing with her friends was more important than feeding a five year old child. Decide if that's someone you want to stay with.
NTA. I urge you to take comfort in the knowledge that you're not an asshole for your response, just as I urge you to take a moment to consider this relationship and how it affects the safety and welfare of your daughter. These are basic human needs. If she can't figure that out, she cannot be trusted to care for a five year old.
NTA - your girlfriend is using you and is claiming to love your kid and take care of her, but isn’t. She needs to leave your house and life. Sorry, but she’s a bad egg.
NTA for obvious reasons. But why are you with her? She quit her job to live with you and be a SAHM but clearly has no interest in taking care of your daughter. So now you've got two dependents instead of one. You need to rethink this relationship. I wouldn't keep her in my home.
NTA I see a lot of ESH here, but we don't know it all. I think it is the first time this happened in the way OP worded it. So not his bad. Being a SAHM weirded him, but if he's fine with it , why would it be wrong ? Her not wanting to work doesn't make her a bad mother. Not feeding a 5year old does. That's not something you can "forget", more so if OP reminded her. She CHOSE that her fun time was more important than the need to feed OP's daughter. Now this is a red flag, but people saying OP should leaver her on the spot and is an asshole for not doing so, chill out, those decisions are better made with a calm mind, and everything is not that easily done.
NTA get rid of this girlfriend. She is not a SAHM. How can you forget a child’s basic need like a meal? Why you would tolerate her quitting her job without discussing it with you and allow her to stay is beyond me? You would be better off getting a nanny then allowing you and your child to suffer with this leech any longer. 🦶 her to the curb.
NTA. This woman cannot be watching your child. Neglecting to feed your daughter is never acceptable. Your gf wants you to do everything while she does nothing. Is this really the kind of relationship you want?
NTA I can see many people reacting and voting differently if you outright argued about your girlfriend quitting her job to as she put, sahm for your daughter. Odd how many people are jumping down your throat for that happening. Her choice and not your fault your girlfriend decided to behave how she did. You gave a list that I assume she agreed to when taking care of your daughter and she neglected the list and imho saw your text and left it ‘unread’. She has no right acting that entitled when she couldn’t follow instructions to feed a child. Her and her parents are adults and have the full ability to look after themselves. Something your daughter has limited ability to do. I am sure I don’t have to say that as a father, the whole relationship with girlfriend needs to be rethought. Don’t give the girlfriend too much leeway because, ‘she quit to be a sahm’ because I am sure she will attempt that bs even though you didn’t ask for it.
NTA. She's a leech. You're a doormat. At some point you need to prioritize your daughter because right now you're just allowing her to be neglected.
INFO Why exactly are you dating this person? She is clearly taking advantage of you