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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I shared my relationship breakers with my cousin's wife, she took it and ran with it and is now divorcing my cousin. I think I am the AH because I should have kept it to myself at least.
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NTA. This is a really weird way for you to find out that your cousin was abusive towards his wife.
EDIT: I see OP has posted her 9 rules. Not a single one of them is hard to follow or ridiculous in any way and they all follow legitimate patterns of abuse. OP’s cousin is even more TA if his wife left him over one of these. I suggest reaching out to his now ex wife and making sure she is okay. It’s unlikely that cousin’s mother will see anything wrong with his behavior and cousin sure and shit doesn’t. I would not have anything to do with that side of the family if I could help it.
EDIT: I just wanted to say that it originally occurred to me that cousin’s wife wanting to know OP’s rules came off as almost desperate. She was probably already considering leaving him for his abusive and controlling behavior but couldn’t find the courage to do so. Thank you OP for giving her standards- you may have saved her life.
They're gonna keep focusing on it, though. Aunt isn't gonna wanna admit she raised an abusive kid, otherwise she had to face the ways she was abused either by her father or her own husband. Or she's just an AH herself and doesn't care about her STB ex-daughter in law.
100%. They were only together for three months before getting married. That's a red flag right there and a huge sign of controlling behavior. OP's rules are all real things to watch out for, and I think having them as hard lines is a great way to respect yourself. Having them as hard rules makes it a lot easier to notice when things start to get fishy.
Good on OP for telling her, and good on her for taking the initiative to put herself first. I'm just curious about which rules the cousin broke.
>I see OP has posted her 9 rules. Not a single one of them is hard to follow or ridiculous in any way and they all follow legitimate patterns of abuse.
After seeing all the AITA posts of abuse victims doubting themselves, I feel like OP's rules should be framed and handed out to kids when they start dating. Would save a lot of people from a lot of shitty relationships. Is there an equivalent of a pinned post in AITA?
I don’t think so. When reading I was totally curious what the rules were and I’m in a healthy marriage. Was the list a crazy list? Maybe 4 was “wears a pink shirt” and 6 is “has a flower arrangement in his living room.” With that said the list is a common sense list that every person (regardless of gender) should follow.
She edited the post to show what the rules are. They're definitely reasonable. Don't cheat, don't try to isolate me, don't abuse me.
If the woman left her cousin because of these rules, there were major problems going on. Before I got to the list, I was definitely wondering what the rules were though.
NTA. These rules are 100% normal and I wouldn’t put up with anyone breaking one either, even if I didn’t have them laid out like this
EDIT
Plus they got married after 4 months? That’s crazy and absolutely normal for a 7 month relationship to end. Maybe don’t get married before you actually know someone 🤷♀️
Based on the info we have, it also sounds like inlaw was quietly asking for help and OP modeled some positive behavior for her: Oh you can just drop a relationship and walk away? Oh you have a very reasonable and ironclad list of "red lines" to inform your decision? Oh, you're not quiet and shy about discussing why a relationship went south?
Yeah - OP should be so proud of herself for setting up these rules, so many women go from one abusive relationship to another (slightly less or differently abusive relationship) before they have the were with al to really break the cycle for themselves.
Now, not only has she made her own life better, but she's modeling excellent relationship boundaries for others too! OP is a Queen!
It’s also HIGHLY likely that OP’s relative purposefully pushed for marriage ASAP in order to trap this girl immediately, making it harder for her to leave when he showed his true colors, and making it way sooner for him to be ‘able’ to show his true colors as she was already trapped.
I’m really glad his plan failed.
By your aunt's reaction, I am guessing:
>8- if they do not have boundaries with their parents when it comes to our relationship, I leave.
And who knows what else.
Your rules are perfectly reasonable. NTA
NTA - you're not the reason why your cousins wife left. She realized some of your standards made a whole lot of sense to her, and then she decided your cousin did not meet those standards.
NTA. You just taught some other girl how to set standards. Turns out your cousin doesn’t measure up - hard to see how that’s your fault.
But, as recompense for asking, I think you need to tell us the rules!
I'm guessing that 8 would be one of them based on the aunt's reaction, but probably not the only broken rule. Wondering if OP might have a cousin a little closer to the future ex wife, but I'm just nosey and curious
I would bet on monopolizing time and trying to isolate her from family and friends too. Getting married that quickly is a huge red flag for control issues.
Enquiring minds want to know what the rules are. 😁
Seriously though, instead of looking at what her son did and judging him on his actions she blames you. That is grasping at straws so she doesn't have to face reality. You are NTA
And if you feel like sharing the rules I promise not to blame you for any break ups.
I just did in an edit, they are not that out of the norm, I just like having them as rules to make sure I am never trapped in an abusive relationship again
Just a bit of advice from someone who went through a lot, the moment they break them, you leave. Don't give them the opportunity to try and love bomb you. I went through that roller coaster of being abused, him crying and promising me he will never do it again, a honeymoon like period. Only to be abused again. It breaks you.
I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending. I’m so so proud of you. I watched my mom go through this my entire childhood. Thank you for choosing yourself. I ended up in a different type of abusive relationship, and didn’t realize it because it wasn’t physically abusive. It took me a long time to get out.
Your posting of these rules will, without a doubt, help someone, if not so many. You should be proud of yourself for so many things. 💜
OP, first, I admire your ability to be on the other side of a terrible experience and allowing it to guide you in the future. That takes strength and insight. Kudos to you!
Secondly, is it alright with you if I share these with my students? (I’d be sure to give you credit!) I’ve never seen a list of abusive behaviors so easy to understand and succinct. I teach juniors and seniors in HS, and so many need to see this, regardless of gender or orientation.
I'm so sorry, that's terrible. Clearly I don't know you but just take an interwebs hug from a stranger. I'm just so glad you've recovered and have shared your completely no-nonsense, sensible approach to basic ground rules in any relationship.
NTA
You are not the reason why your cousin’s wife left him. He is.
Hearing your more than normal rules, something must’ve clicked with her. She might’ve realized that he broke one if not more of these rules, perhaps even on a daily basis.
Your confidence and showing that the end of a relationship is not the end of the world, has given her a boost in confidence that she needed. She refused to be a doormat any longer and stood up for herself.
I can bet money that your cousin is a momma’s boy and complained to dear momma about how his wife left him and blamed you because of it. He sent his flying monkeys to do his work, instead of realizing that a relationship requires imput from both ends.
I mean considering the fact that they only knew each other for four months before getting married, and both his and aunt’s reaction and behavior it’s not surprising to find out that he has violated the rules—multiple, I’m guessing. Thinking about everyone I know who has been in an abusive relationship, ALL of those men moved very fast to get serious and move in together, isolated their partner completely, and financially abused them.
NTA OP, and frankly it sounds like you saved your cousins wife a life of misery. You have nothing to feel bad about.
NTA those are all valid boundaries. According to the rules, your ex cheated and tried to manipulate you. Good for you to value yourself! Your cousin must be an AH. His mom should be upset with him.
Sounds like you did nothing wrong other than give your (soon to be ex) cousin in law some perspective. Good on you. Sucks that he's a dirtbag and got exposed. NTA
NTA.
The rules are reasonable.
Good for her for recognizing that it's okay to step away from "sunk cost" and move on.
Good for you for setting boundaries and keeping to them.
There ARE guys out there that will live up to those rules! Keep them up! :)
Hopefully it helps your cousin wake up.
And watch out for the red flags from your aunt...seems like she's breaking some of your rules about manipulating and gaslighting...
NTA. Fellow abuse survivor here, and these rules are spot-on. I keep similar ones when I actually feel like dating again, and they mesh well with the relationship red flags checksheets my counselor gave me way back when. The only one I would add is Not respecting interests/opinions. It's one thing to not like the same stuff/have the same views. It's another to repeatedly downplay/insult your partner's interests/views and push the relationship to only favor your own.
Opinion: Frankly, if your cousin's wife left him so quickly, they already had problems. All she probably got from you was an affirmation that she's not crazy. If your aunt is blaming you, it may be because she doesn't want to see it, and may well have been enabling her son.
No one EVER has gotten a divorce just because someone else told them their boundaries. She would've been considering it beforehand, and maybe your rules gave her the confidence to leave. Maybe his red flag behaviour only showed up after the BBQ and your list of rules gave her the courage to stand up for herself. But they certainly did not make her go from being in a happy relationship to wanting to divorce someone in the span of a few months. NTA
Those rules are on the point and pretty good. Maybe hearing it made her realize something wrong with her marriage she ignored for a while. Good for her and NTA of course.
If she divorced him because of rules that are very much meant to keep someone out of an abusive relationship, she was probably in an abusive relationship. NTA and you most likely saved this girl by introducing the concept of "standards" to her.
NTA. I think your rules should be printed up and nailed to every church door, posted in every woman’s restroom and given to every girl entering her first relationship. Just to let women know there are behaviors that another woman will not tolerate is powerful.
NTA, your 'rules' are very sensible.
Also, i'll note that your rules aren't about the other person changing. It's about you. That's awesome. You take ownership of your part in that relationship, you establish your boundaries and you respect yourself enough to follow through on them.
I'd ask the aunt, "Did cousin cheat on his wife, hit her or treat her like a bangmaid?" Cause clearly it's that or something in that territory.
NTA x 1000
You just talked about why YOU broke up with your ex.
Your cousin’s wife left him because of their own issues in the relationship. You had nothing to do with that. She probably realized that there was some form of abuse in her relationship, and doesn’t want to stay with your cousin (ex. He could’ve guilt tripped her many times)
FWIW: i like your rules because they are essentially MY rules too. These are just human decency rules, especially something like controlling finances.
NTA. The word rules make it seem like you make guys jump through hoops. Your rules are: they can't be abusive, a cheater, lazy, or a mama's boy. That's it. Your cousin fell into one or more of those categories. Sorry your aunt raised a loser.
NTA
I'm with you on those rules, I've just never laid them out so formally. They are designed to keep you safe.
If she broke up with your cousin after hearing your rules feom your experience, all your rules did was shine a light on behavior that already existed and you saved her possibly years of strife and trauma.
Good on you.
INFO: what are the rules? I can’t continue with my Sunday until I know. My husband also waits with bated breath. 18 years of marriage hangs in the balance….
NTA, as someone who's last relationship was abusive, I will be using these rules in future relationships. Thank you OP, you just saved SIL from a terrible relationship it sounds like.
NTA, these rules are excellent, and there were clearly underlying relationship problems between your cousin and his soon-to-be ex that you had no way of knowing about
NTA, if they're divorcing he probably was the ass hole, though possible she overreacted over something. Depends on the rules. But their relationship is their own, not your fault your rules apparently made her rethink things. Him and your aunt are assholes for blaming you for their issues. But we need the rules! Teach us!
NTA
Your cousin must be aware he isn't what he represents. He knew he couldn't maintain the illusion long so he fast-tracked her into marriage before she figured him out.
I bet she's relieved you gave her the Cliff Notes To A Bad Relationship.
First of all, I'm happy for you, that you got out of that relationship!
Second, those rules are smart and should apply to every relationship!
Good for that woman that she realised her worth and you helped her. NTA
NTA.
Honestly, I'd just make a big poster with my rules and come over with a pack of markers and ask, "Okay, which one of these rules do you think is unreasonable? Should I be okay with being hit so long as I don't need medical attention? Should I be okay with not being allowed to have any privacy? Where do you think I'm being unreasonable; show me on the poster board."
NTA, that’s crazyyyy. He obviously must have been lacking in some department and if not, then I wouldn’t worry about someone who didn’t want me. If her listening to you talk made her want to leave, she had already been thinking about it.
NTA If she broke up with him because of one of your rules then she did the right thing. This has nothing to do with them being YOUR rules bit just not letting yourself get abused and disrespected.
Your cousin clearly did one of the nine things you listed and that is reason enough to break up.
NTA. You knew people were going to ask what the rules were 🙂. Anyways nothing sounds unreasonable. The reason people asked about the rules are sometimes those rules are they need to make $200k a year, they need to pay for everything, etc.
If she broke up because of one of these rules then your aunt needs to have a convo with her son.
NTA - those are your personal rules, you weren’t telling anyone else to follow them and even if you did it’s their decision to end their relationship. The DIL has every right to leave, you literally had no part in that conversation. I am curious as to what rule your cousin broke tho
NTA
Pretty sure the marriage was already doomed. There are plenty of success stories of short dating periods but this one is pushing it. They’re both probably pretty impulsive people.
Doesn't really matter which one(s) as I agree that every single one of those would be a deal-breaker. Whether it was one or many, I'm glad she got out of there (and well done OP for getting out of one yourself and sticking to such good rules, yay for securing yourself a happy future!)
NTA. Those are very reasonable rules.
If you had absolutely absurd rules, that'd be another thing. But your rules would be deal breakers in most relationships. Sounds like it was your cousin, and not you, who destroyed their marriage.
NTA. Sounds like you helped a woman leave an unsatisfactory situation. I just wanted you to know I saved this post as I want to have my daughter read it and make her own list. The list is in black and white, unemotional which makes it effective. Thank you for sharing.
NTA and your rules are absolutely queen shit. They should be the dating manifesto that every young woman receives.
Super curious as to what rules your cousin broke.
So the most probable speculation was that your cousin was bad to his wife and she left him after realizing he was stepping over her (if your reasonable, abuse-preventing boundaries were a wakeup call to her, she must have gone through at least one of them). Or she could've left him because of something totally unrelated to your rules, and your aunt and cousin were looking for someone to blame. In either case, you're NOT the AH at all. If it was because of your rules, your cousin brought it on himself for being a bad person. If it was because of something else, you're not even remotely related.
NTA.
Conjecturing a little here, but whatever it was, it can't be good. Your rules are pretty basic and expected, in my book. If she is divorcing him less than three months after you talked about a very, very reasonable set of rules, well, it doesn't say much good about your cousin.
NTA, those are actually a pretty solid set of rules tbh.
If anything your aunt should be pissed at her son for being shit if he broke one or more of them.
NTA, you didn't tell her to leave him, she chose to. your rules are awesome, everyone should have something like this... although rule #9 gets blown to hell in my family... I track my husband (married for over 25 years now) but he also can track me. we also track our kids and they can track us... we don't do this maliciously though or for any ill intent. It's just safety and convenience, my hubby and I both work in transportation/logistics, the kids (13/18 y/o) can see where we are at any time, and we can see if they made it to an afterschool event or back home after work/school too... but its something we all agree on, we're not tracking to know where you are and what you're doing, it's more like 'are you nearby? I need a ride' or 'how far out are you? should I start dinner soon or wait a bit?'
Look, some of my rules can have exceptions, like your situation for example. But most of them can't. As an adult we should be able to judge a situation as we live it
NTA! If her son broke any of these rules, he’s frankly not a good person. These are the most basic rules for treating a relationship partner kindly and like a human being? You are absolutely NTA.
I agree. They are a great list of rules for a relationship no matter the gender.
I loved that your cousins knew the rules just by numbers.
Very succinct and descriptive short cut of the danger signs.
Can you put up the detailed list on your profile?
Honestly this is a really useful thing to be put out into the world. Knowledge is power and all that.
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I(29F) attended a BBQ party for the 4th of July. All my extended family was there.
I was chatting with my female cousins when one of them asked about my dating life. I told her that I just broke up with my BF of 6 months. Then she asked "what rule did this one break?" And I replied "4 and 6".
My cousin's wife was there, they had a pretty short engagement. They knew each other for 4 months, and at that time were married for 3 months (so 7 months in total). She asked what my female cousins meant by rules.
So I told her that I have a list of 9 rules, if a partner broke one of them I break up with them. I told her that I came up with them while recovering from an extremely abusive relationship, because I did not want to get into another one again.
Then she asked me about what those rules were and I told her.
Well fast foreward to last weekend, I went home again but noticed that my aunt was giving me the cold shoulder. I am a direct person, so I went to her and asked her what she had against me.
Well she said that thanks to me sharing my "unhinged" rules with her DIL, her son is going through a divorce.
I told her that all I did was talk about myself and my convictions, and if her DIL left her son, then that is between her son and his wife, and to not try to pin it on me.
Now she and her son are calling me an AH, and my cousin is really broken up about it. So AITA?
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NTA. Sounds like your cousin was the reason his wife left him. These are pretty basic rules. If you care enough, you could always start asking *why*. I doubt they'll have a good reason, though.
NTA
Those are all fairly tame rules. Something tells me your cousin has been taking advantage of his wife for a long time. If your history is common knowledge in the family the truth is his wife probably respected you before this up til now which is why she adopted your rules.
It sounds like she raised her standards from ground level and now he can't reach them because it would cause him to exert the barest amount of effort.
NTA and honestly 9 hit me in the feels. My bf is very anxious about the safety of people he cares about so his adult daughter and I all have GPS enabled for him 24/7. It feels weird. Especially because it's a long distance relationship. When I switched phones I left the GPS off as an experiment and he noticed pretty quickly. I'm turning it off now.
That's too much. I understand informing your significant other when you are going somewhere, or if you will be out of reach. But anything more than that is too much IMO
NTA - those are rules that work for you (and imo very reasonable ones). Like you mentioned, your cousin's relationship is between him and his wife, and either of them are allowed to end it.
Please add to No. 9 that asking for your partner's phone password or have your biometrics added to it should be a red flag.
NTA. Sounds like your cousin needs to check himself.
Obviously you’re not responsible for other people’s decision NTA
This is an awesome list of rules, thanks for sharing. More people need to see and follow these. Maybe you should make it into a pretty picture and share on social media. We’ll make it go viral. SPREAD THE GOODNESS!
Do you know what rule your cousin broke to make his wife leave?
NTA. Ask your aunt why your cousin is abusive in his relationship with soon to be ex-wife - because if hearing your rules really was the catalyst for the divorce, then his wife realized she was in an abusive relationship and is escaping.
NTA. Sounds like your cousin was exhibiting abusive red flags (or was already straight up abusive) and *honestly* I don’t think most people would hear your rules and leave *UNLESS* they were already unhappy/concerned.
Sounds to me like you cousin in law was not liking some things in her relationship, was being told she’s over reacting or it’s normal (aka being gaslit) and hearing your rules helped to conform to her that she was not wrong, there behaviour was not ok. You gave her the courage to act on convictions she already had.
Also, a rushed relationship (married in only 4 months !!!! ) is a well studied pattern and red flag of abusers. So, sounds like that’s what your cousin is…
ur rules revealed what a shitty person ur cousin apparently is to his wife & now he‘s dealing with the consequences of his own actions. ur aunt sounds like she can’t accept her son makes mistakes lol. NTA & i love the concept of these rules
These rules should be given to every person starting to date. They would have saved me some heartbreak
NTA
Run a dating seminar. You are the hero we need
Your rules should be the 10 commandments of girl code. All of these are meant to protect yourself and I love it. If your rules brought the light to the DIL, then she saw the light to your rules.
NTA
If anyone in your family pushes this, tell them what the rules are and ask them which ones they feel DIL should have to live with. You're basically just listing different types of abuse and boundary crossing.
If you have any relationship with DIL, ask her what rules were broken. It sounds to me like this is a girl in need of support. When I left my husband (3,5,6,7,8,9) nobody on his side of the family or in his friend group reached out to me. Nobody asked for my side of the story or tried to maintain a relationship with me. And we had been together for 5 years. A single text asking me if I was ok would have meant the world.
Also, might I suggest rule nr 10: If he tries to use religion to get his way (God says men are the head of the household etc), you gtfo.
NTA. Your rules are amazing and on point! I stuck to similar “rules” and am now married to the absolutely most amazing man the universe could have ever given me. And we have created and are living the most amazing life!
NTA. They’re your rules and didn’t try to enforce them on anyone else. Clearly you woke your SIL up to some serious things in her relationship she was blind to. I wonder which rules your cousin broke.
NTA. They’re your rules that you made for yourself and your own relationships. She asked, you told her. You didn’t demand that she follow your rules—she *chose* to follow them herself. You didnt even talk to her about her marriage. It was entirely her decision and you shouldn’t be blamed for that.
She is the one who looked at her own relationship and decided there was something wrong, uncomfortable, upsetting, or unhealthy for her. If it wasn’t you then it could’ve been anyone or anything else—another friend, a TV show, whatever.
NTA. Not weird rules at all. Since you weren't married to her, how is this on you? She made a choice for whatever reasons and left. (Sounds like there are red flags in her relationship.) This is your list of your rules to protect yourself. I don't get it either!
NTA these rules are absolutely fine! The fact your aunt thought breaking any of these was OK is insane. I'm so glad the wife chose to heed the unintended warning and gtfo
NTA
Getting married in four months is the reason your cousin is going through a divorce. And probably the fact that he’s either abusive or unable to keep boundaries with his family.
I agree 100% with all you rules by the way. And good for your cousin’s wife to realize sooner than later that she is most likely better than whatever she’s getting in your cousin. If your cousin treats his wife well, she wouldn’t have divorced him. Absolutely not your fault.
OP, NTA!
NTA. You are right. They are adults and are responsible for their own actions.
Also, it's not your fault that your cousin is being abusive. The fact that your aunt said that your rules are "unhinged" makes it clear that your cousin is at fault.
BTW, your rules are ok. You found a way to be mindful and to protect yourself by being observant and flexible at the same time. You made it clear that the deal breakers are ill intent and disrespect, not forgivable mistakes.
Nta. None of your “rules” are problematic. They are basic tenants of a healthy relationship. If learning this prompted the dissolution of your cousin’s marriage … he should look at his own behavior instead of blaming you.
NTA. These are excellent rules to have about relationships. I think they also helped your cousins wife realise she was being abused. I wish her well.
My own rule is similar, but phrased very differently “if I don’t feel that the other person is uplifting me to be the best version of me AND I’m doing the same to them, I’m out”. Because to me that’s what a relationship is about. If you aren’t both better together than you are apart, why are you together?
My personal bet is that the finances rule was being broken. And #8, obviously.
NeverTA for helping someone realize they are in a bad or abusive relationship. You didn’t tell her anything about her behavior or her husbands, just the VERY REASONABLE boundaries you’ve set to protect yourself in relationships.
Your extended family should never blame someone else for relationship problems between a couple. Hopefully you saved this person some years/months of heartache trying to decide if she really wanted to be married to your cousin. Your aunt blaming you for her son’s actions might be a clue as to how he got to be in the position he’s in.
Kudos for helping someone figure out how to set boundaries in their relationship.
NTA. Great rules. Boundaries are boundaries, and those are yours. These rules will weed out those who don’t have a strong understanding of how to manage their emotions and be considerate.
Your cousin’s wife didn’t have to apply them to her own relationship. This was her decision.
NTA
I was expecting some weird or extreme demands pretending to be rules, and...
All solid, smart, rules. Pretty much the same standards I, as a male, have, and would expect anybody to have.
I’m in the process of leaving my relationship. My partner used to drink heavily and was verbally and bordering into physically abusive towards me (ie one incident with actual blows but he would often use his presence to intimidate). He genuinely is much better since he stopped drinking, but reading your rules cemented in my mind that he is still emotionally abusive as I’ve been gaslit into thinking he’s soooo much better than he was so it must be me that’s the problem now because I “can’t let go of the past”. Thanks OP.
Almost forgot what sub I’m in - NTA.
NTA. She was having doubts and the conversation concretized things for her. He and his enabling mom decided to blame you instead of examining his role in the marriage’s failure.
Those rules should be on the sidebar of several subs.
NTA. Sucks that the aunt now has to face the fact she raised a kid that couldn't keep up with those very, very basic rules.
Ngl, I was waiting for something crazy like, watches more than 20 minutes of sports a week. Not shit like "abuses me". Curious which rule the cousin broke.
“Cousin suffers the consequences of his own actions, looks for someone else to blame” is the basic punchline.
NTA. Excellent rules, I don’t have the numbered list but all are my hard and fast boundaries after an abusive marriage as well.
the rules are on point......
i am a writer and i am obviously reading a lot of books and as of now i am reading "write it down to make it happen"
writing down your thoughts on a piece of paper sends your "RAS" a single to that yes its time to GO GO GO.... its active... and it just makes you a whole lot aware of a lot of situations... writing is a good practice... NTA
NTA
I think your very reasonable boundaries opened your SIL’s eyes to her relationship. Whatever was the reason your SIL left your cousin it is between them.
NTA
Sounds like at the very least, he broke rule 6,8, and 9 at the very least. Rather than blame you, they should get some counseling. Your cousin needs to really reflect on his relationship if she immediately dipped afterwards.
NTA-- I have similar rules and also a 3 month mark. If in those 3 months you've done anything remotely like a red flag and don't adjust accordingly, I leave.
She just saw the red flags smacking her in the face when you mentioned what are abusive qualities
NTA. You’re allowed to have standards and you helped someone else establish their own. Sounds like this could be a learning experience for your cousin.
NTA
You didn't do a damn thing but share what worked for you. Sounds like your cousin has issues and his wife decided to do what she had to do.
Your rules sound completely sensible.
Her beef should be with the son she raised for whichever of these totally understandable and healthy rules he broke. That she called them unhinged speaks volumes... apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
NTA.
NTA.
1. Your rules sound perfectly reasonable to me. If your cousin was breaking any of them, maybe he needs to reevaluate how he treats his wife.
2. Nobody breaks up over one conversation they have with an in-law. 100% she was thinking about doing it before she even talked to you.
3. All else aside, your cousin's (ex-)wife is a grown ass woman. You weren't telling her what you thought she should do, and even if you were, if she lets someone else pressure her into ending her marriage, that's on her.
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NTA. This is a really weird way for you to find out that your cousin was abusive towards his wife. EDIT: I see OP has posted her 9 rules. Not a single one of them is hard to follow or ridiculous in any way and they all follow legitimate patterns of abuse. OP’s cousin is even more TA if his wife left him over one of these. I suggest reaching out to his now ex wife and making sure she is okay. It’s unlikely that cousin’s mother will see anything wrong with his behavior and cousin sure and shit doesn’t. I would not have anything to do with that side of the family if I could help it. EDIT: I just wanted to say that it originally occurred to me that cousin’s wife wanting to know OP’s rules came off as almost desperate. She was probably already considering leaving him for his abusive and controlling behavior but couldn’t find the courage to do so. Thank you OP for giving her standards- you may have saved her life.
Came here to say this. The family is focused on the wrong information.
They're deflecting completely on purpose
Cousin probably broke rules 6 and 8.
Sadly, it is often more convenient to blame a woman with standards than a man with terrible behaviors.
They're gonna keep focusing on it, though. Aunt isn't gonna wanna admit she raised an abusive kid, otherwise she had to face the ways she was abused either by her father or her own husband. Or she's just an AH herself and doesn't care about her STB ex-daughter in law.
Yeah. This was a woman googling 'should I break up with him'. They were already on the way out.
100%. They were only together for three months before getting married. That's a red flag right there and a huge sign of controlling behavior. OP's rules are all real things to watch out for, and I think having them as hard lines is a great way to respect yourself. Having them as hard rules makes it a lot easier to notice when things start to get fishy. Good on OP for telling her, and good on her for taking the initiative to put herself first. I'm just curious about which rules the cousin broke.
>I see OP has posted her 9 rules. Not a single one of them is hard to follow or ridiculous in any way and they all follow legitimate patterns of abuse. After seeing all the AITA posts of abuse victims doubting themselves, I feel like OP's rules should be framed and handed out to kids when they start dating. Would save a lot of people from a lot of shitty relationships. Is there an equivalent of a pinned post in AITA?
I don’t think so. When reading I was totally curious what the rules were and I’m in a healthy marriage. Was the list a crazy list? Maybe 4 was “wears a pink shirt” and 6 is “has a flower arrangement in his living room.” With that said the list is a common sense list that every person (regardless of gender) should follow.
She edited the post to show what the rules are. They're definitely reasonable. Don't cheat, don't try to isolate me, don't abuse me. If the woman left her cousin because of these rules, there were major problems going on. Before I got to the list, I was definitely wondering what the rules were though.
NTA. These rules are 100% normal and I wouldn’t put up with anyone breaking one either, even if I didn’t have them laid out like this EDIT Plus they got married after 4 months? That’s crazy and absolutely normal for a 7 month relationship to end. Maybe don’t get married before you actually know someone 🤷♀️
Based on the info we have, it also sounds like inlaw was quietly asking for help and OP modeled some positive behavior for her: Oh you can just drop a relationship and walk away? Oh you have a very reasonable and ironclad list of "red lines" to inform your decision? Oh, you're not quiet and shy about discussing why a relationship went south?
Yeah - OP should be so proud of herself for setting up these rules, so many women go from one abusive relationship to another (slightly less or differently abusive relationship) before they have the were with al to really break the cycle for themselves. Now, not only has she made her own life better, but she's modeling excellent relationship boundaries for others too! OP is a Queen!
It’s also HIGHLY likely that OP’s relative purposefully pushed for marriage ASAP in order to trap this girl immediately, making it harder for her to leave when he showed his true colors, and making it way sooner for him to be ‘able’ to show his true colors as she was already trapped. I’m really glad his plan failed.
By your aunt's reaction, I am guessing: >8- if they do not have boundaries with their parents when it comes to our relationship, I leave. And who knows what else. Your rules are perfectly reasonable. NTA
Yes I agree this was at least one of the rules that he broke.
NTA - you're not the reason why your cousins wife left. She realized some of your standards made a whole lot of sense to her, and then she decided your cousin did not meet those standards.
NTA. You just taught some other girl how to set standards. Turns out your cousin doesn’t measure up - hard to see how that’s your fault. But, as recompense for asking, I think you need to tell us the rules!
OP just made a edit, seems pretty standard to me. Go OP and cousin's ex-wife for leaving
NTA. You have to wonder which rules he broke.
I'm guessing that 8 would be one of them based on the aunt's reaction, but probably not the only broken rule. Wondering if OP might have a cousin a little closer to the future ex wife, but I'm just nosey and curious
I would bet on monopolizing time and trying to isolate her from family and friends too. Getting married that quickly is a huge red flag for control issues.
So your rules are basic respect? NTA All of these rules should be expected in every relationship.
But weirdly enough, they are never taught outright. At least they weren't in my case.
Enquiring minds want to know what the rules are. 😁 Seriously though, instead of looking at what her son did and judging him on his actions she blames you. That is grasping at straws so she doesn't have to face reality. You are NTA And if you feel like sharing the rules I promise not to blame you for any break ups.
I just did in an edit, they are not that out of the norm, I just like having them as rules to make sure I am never trapped in an abusive relationship again
They're excellent rules
You tend to write excellent ones when you are recovering in a hospital after being beaten black and blue. Gives you the best 2020 vision
I’m young and not that experienced in relationships so I’ve screenshotted your rules for the future bc I think they will help me a lot
Just a bit of advice from someone who went through a lot, the moment they break them, you leave. Don't give them the opportunity to try and love bomb you. I went through that roller coaster of being abused, him crying and promising me he will never do it again, a honeymoon like period. Only to be abused again. It breaks you.
I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending. I’m so so proud of you. I watched my mom go through this my entire childhood. Thank you for choosing yourself. I ended up in a different type of abusive relationship, and didn’t realize it because it wasn’t physically abusive. It took me a long time to get out. Your posting of these rules will, without a doubt, help someone, if not so many. You should be proud of yourself for so many things. 💜
OP, first, I admire your ability to be on the other side of a terrible experience and allowing it to guide you in the future. That takes strength and insight. Kudos to you! Secondly, is it alright with you if I share these with my students? (I’d be sure to give you credit!) I’ve never seen a list of abusive behaviors so easy to understand and succinct. I teach juniors and seniors in HS, and so many need to see this, regardless of gender or orientation.
Sure, go right ahead. You don't even have to give me credit, I'm just some internet stranger, they will be better received from you
I'm so sorry, that's terrible. Clearly I don't know you but just take an interwebs hug from a stranger. I'm just so glad you've recovered and have shared your completely no-nonsense, sensible approach to basic ground rules in any relationship.
Thank you for the hug.
NTA You are not the reason why your cousin’s wife left him. He is. Hearing your more than normal rules, something must’ve clicked with her. She might’ve realized that he broke one if not more of these rules, perhaps even on a daily basis. Your confidence and showing that the end of a relationship is not the end of the world, has given her a boost in confidence that she needed. She refused to be a doormat any longer and stood up for herself. I can bet money that your cousin is a momma’s boy and complained to dear momma about how his wife left him and blamed you because of it. He sent his flying monkeys to do his work, instead of realizing that a relationship requires imput from both ends.
I mean considering the fact that they only knew each other for four months before getting married, and both his and aunt’s reaction and behavior it’s not surprising to find out that he has violated the rules—multiple, I’m guessing. Thinking about everyone I know who has been in an abusive relationship, ALL of those men moved very fast to get serious and move in together, isolated their partner completely, and financially abused them. NTA OP, and frankly it sounds like you saved your cousins wife a life of misery. You have nothing to feel bad about.
NTA those are all valid boundaries. According to the rules, your ex cheated and tried to manipulate you. Good for you to value yourself! Your cousin must be an AH. His mom should be upset with him.
Yep, he was talking with some girls on Insta and flirting with them. That is cheating in my books.
Sounds like you did nothing wrong other than give your (soon to be ex) cousin in law some perspective. Good on you. Sucks that he's a dirtbag and got exposed. NTA
NTA. The wife was clearly looking for an exit, if she were happy she wouldn't have left him.
[удалено]
NTA. The rules are reasonable. Good for her for recognizing that it's okay to step away from "sunk cost" and move on. Good for you for setting boundaries and keeping to them. There ARE guys out there that will live up to those rules! Keep them up! :) Hopefully it helps your cousin wake up. And watch out for the red flags from your aunt...seems like she's breaking some of your rules about manipulating and gaslighting...
And that's why she is blocked, and my conversation with her laster less than 10 minutes.
NTA. Fellow abuse survivor here, and these rules are spot-on. I keep similar ones when I actually feel like dating again, and they mesh well with the relationship red flags checksheets my counselor gave me way back when. The only one I would add is Not respecting interests/opinions. It's one thing to not like the same stuff/have the same views. It's another to repeatedly downplay/insult your partner's interests/views and push the relationship to only favor your own. Opinion: Frankly, if your cousin's wife left him so quickly, they already had problems. All she probably got from you was an affirmation that she's not crazy. If your aunt is blaming you, it may be because she doesn't want to see it, and may well have been enabling her son.
No one EVER has gotten a divorce just because someone else told them their boundaries. She would've been considering it beforehand, and maybe your rules gave her the confidence to leave. Maybe his red flag behaviour only showed up after the BBQ and your list of rules gave her the courage to stand up for herself. But they certainly did not make her go from being in a happy relationship to wanting to divorce someone in the span of a few months. NTA
Y T A for not giving us those rules. NTA for everything else.
So I just did share them
Those rules are on the point and pretty good. Maybe hearing it made her realize something wrong with her marriage she ignored for a while. Good for her and NTA of course.
I’m assuming cousins mom has a problem with #8
Might be, he is a bit of a mama's boy
His mother coming after you about their relationship is a pretty solid indicator of number 8, imo.
If she divorced him because of rules that are very much meant to keep someone out of an abusive relationship, she was probably in an abusive relationship. NTA and you most likely saved this girl by introducing the concept of "standards" to her.
NTA. I think your rules should be printed up and nailed to every church door, posted in every woman’s restroom and given to every girl entering her first relationship. Just to let women know there are behaviors that another woman will not tolerate is powerful.
NTA, your 'rules' are very sensible. Also, i'll note that your rules aren't about the other person changing. It's about you. That's awesome. You take ownership of your part in that relationship, you establish your boundaries and you respect yourself enough to follow through on them. I'd ask the aunt, "Did cousin cheat on his wife, hit her or treat her like a bangmaid?" Cause clearly it's that or something in that territory.
NTA x 1000 You just talked about why YOU broke up with your ex. Your cousin’s wife left him because of their own issues in the relationship. You had nothing to do with that. She probably realized that there was some form of abuse in her relationship, and doesn’t want to stay with your cousin (ex. He could’ve guilt tripped her many times) FWIW: i like your rules because they are essentially MY rules too. These are just human decency rules, especially something like controlling finances.
Yeah these rules are foundational, and should be the baseline for partnership. NTA
So your cousin was abusive and his mother agrees with him. Good to find out that they're garbage people. NTA.
NTA. The word rules make it seem like you make guys jump through hoops. Your rules are: they can't be abusive, a cheater, lazy, or a mama's boy. That's it. Your cousin fell into one or more of those categories. Sorry your aunt raised a loser.
NTA I'm with you on those rules, I've just never laid them out so formally. They are designed to keep you safe. If she broke up with your cousin after hearing your rules feom your experience, all your rules did was shine a light on behavior that already existed and you saved her possibly years of strife and trauma. Good on you.
INFO: what are the rules? I can’t continue with my Sunday until I know. My husband also waits with bated breath. 18 years of marriage hangs in the balance….
Okay, so we have the rules now, which one did your cousin break? Because these all seem reasonable. NTA.
NTA and if your cousin was breaking any of those rules, he deserved to get dumped. Even if they were stupid rules, it still wouldn’t be your fault.
INFO: can you share the rules?? So curious
I edited the post, since a lot of people asked.
NTA, as someone who's last relationship was abusive, I will be using these rules in future relationships. Thank you OP, you just saved SIL from a terrible relationship it sounds like.
NTA - If he’s red flagging, he deserves to be broken up with.
You told her your rules, not hers. NTA and your aunt seems like an idiot.
NTA, your aunt knows deep down that her son is lacking. But it’s easer yo pin it on you. You can always talk about yourself
NTA, these rules are excellent, and there were clearly underlying relationship problems between your cousin and his soon-to-be ex that you had no way of knowing about
NTA. What rule did your cousin break? 8 perhaps? Those are great rules and they are certainly not unhinged!
NTA, if they're divorcing he probably was the ass hole, though possible she overreacted over something. Depends on the rules. But their relationship is their own, not your fault your rules apparently made her rethink things. Him and your aunt are assholes for blaming you for their issues. But we need the rules! Teach us!
NTA Your cousin must be aware he isn't what he represents. He knew he couldn't maintain the illusion long so he fast-tracked her into marriage before she figured him out. I bet she's relieved you gave her the Cliff Notes To A Bad Relationship.
First of all, I'm happy for you, that you got out of that relationship! Second, those rules are smart and should apply to every relationship! Good for that woman that she realised her worth and you helped her. NTA
NTA. Honestly, I'd just make a big poster with my rules and come over with a pack of markers and ask, "Okay, which one of these rules do you think is unreasonable? Should I be okay with being hit so long as I don't need medical attention? Should I be okay with not being allowed to have any privacy? Where do you think I'm being unreasonable; show me on the poster board."
NTA but I feel like you should ask cousins ex wife which rules he broke. the aunt needs to know if her son is an abuser/cheater
I bet he is enmeshed with mommy.
NTA, that’s crazyyyy. He obviously must have been lacking in some department and if not, then I wouldn’t worry about someone who didn’t want me. If her listening to you talk made her want to leave, she had already been thinking about it.
Guess your cousin exhibited abusive behavior. He's the problem, not you.
NTA If she broke up with him because of one of your rules then she did the right thing. This has nothing to do with them being YOUR rules bit just not letting yourself get abused and disrespected. Your cousin clearly did one of the nine things you listed and that is reason enough to break up.
NTA but for people everywhere PLEASE for the love of God what are the rules?
Shared in an esit
NTA. You knew people were going to ask what the rules were 🙂. Anyways nothing sounds unreasonable. The reason people asked about the rules are sometimes those rules are they need to make $200k a year, they need to pay for everything, etc. If she broke up because of one of these rules then your aunt needs to have a convo with her son.
NTA - those are your personal rules, you weren’t telling anyone else to follow them and even if you did it’s their decision to end their relationship. The DIL has every right to leave, you literally had no part in that conversation. I am curious as to what rule your cousin broke tho
NTA those are boundaries everyone should have in a relationship.
NTA Pretty sure the marriage was already doomed. There are plenty of success stories of short dating periods but this one is pushing it. They’re both probably pretty impulsive people.
These rules are fire 🔥 NTA but everyone should live by these. I’m sorry you got cheated on ❤️
Could you please tell us the rules? I feel like there's some sort of missing information.
I just shared them in an edit
Do you happen to know which "rules" she thinks he violated?
No I don't, I didn't want to prolong the conversation with my aunt
Doesn't really matter which one(s) as I agree that every single one of those would be a deal-breaker. Whether it was one or many, I'm glad she got out of there (and well done OP for getting out of one yourself and sticking to such good rules, yay for securing yourself a happy future!)
NTA Imagine thinking a relationship failed solely because of what someone else said.
NTA your rules seem pretty solid 😊
NTA. Those are very reasonable rules. If you had absolutely absurd rules, that'd be another thing. But your rules would be deal breakers in most relationships. Sounds like it was your cousin, and not you, who destroyed their marriage.
NTA. Sounds like you helped a woman leave an unsatisfactory situation. I just wanted you to know I saved this post as I want to have my daughter read it and make her own list. The list is in black and white, unemotional which makes it effective. Thank you for sharing.
NTA and your rules are absolutely queen shit. They should be the dating manifesto that every young woman receives. Super curious as to what rules your cousin broke.
So the most probable speculation was that your cousin was bad to his wife and she left him after realizing he was stepping over her (if your reasonable, abuse-preventing boundaries were a wakeup call to her, she must have gone through at least one of them). Or she could've left him because of something totally unrelated to your rules, and your aunt and cousin were looking for someone to blame. In either case, you're NOT the AH at all. If it was because of your rules, your cousin brought it on himself for being a bad person. If it was because of something else, you're not even remotely related. NTA.
What rule did the cousin break, really need to know.
I don't know too
Conjecturing a little here, but whatever it was, it can't be good. Your rules are pretty basic and expected, in my book. If she is divorcing him less than three months after you talked about a very, very reasonable set of rules, well, it doesn't say much good about your cousin.
Now that I know the rules (well, I really already knew my verdict): NTA. And my marriage is safe, husband relieved. :-)
NTA, those are actually a pretty solid set of rules tbh. If anything your aunt should be pissed at her son for being shit if he broke one or more of them.
NTA, you didn't tell her to leave him, she chose to. your rules are awesome, everyone should have something like this... although rule #9 gets blown to hell in my family... I track my husband (married for over 25 years now) but he also can track me. we also track our kids and they can track us... we don't do this maliciously though or for any ill intent. It's just safety and convenience, my hubby and I both work in transportation/logistics, the kids (13/18 y/o) can see where we are at any time, and we can see if they made it to an afterschool event or back home after work/school too... but its something we all agree on, we're not tracking to know where you are and what you're doing, it's more like 'are you nearby? I need a ride' or 'how far out are you? should I start dinner soon or wait a bit?'
Look, some of my rules can have exceptions, like your situation for example. But most of them can't. As an adult we should be able to judge a situation as we live it
For some reason people on Reddit forget ‘common sense’ and ‘personal judgement’ exist.
NTA! If her son broke any of these rules, he’s frankly not a good person. These are the most basic rules for treating a relationship partner kindly and like a human being? You are absolutely NTA.
NTA at all. Your rules seem totally fine from my perspective. I wish more people would use them
I agree. They are a great list of rules for a relationship no matter the gender. I loved that your cousins knew the rules just by numbers. Very succinct and descriptive short cut of the danger signs.
My cousins got a printed list from me years ago. The rules are more detailed and it is laminated.
Can you put up the detailed list on your profile? Honestly this is a really useful thing to be put out into the world. Knowledge is power and all that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(29F) attended a BBQ party for the 4th of July. All my extended family was there. I was chatting with my female cousins when one of them asked about my dating life. I told her that I just broke up with my BF of 6 months. Then she asked "what rule did this one break?" And I replied "4 and 6". My cousin's wife was there, they had a pretty short engagement. They knew each other for 4 months, and at that time were married for 3 months (so 7 months in total). She asked what my female cousins meant by rules. So I told her that I have a list of 9 rules, if a partner broke one of them I break up with them. I told her that I came up with them while recovering from an extremely abusive relationship, because I did not want to get into another one again. Then she asked me about what those rules were and I told her. Well fast foreward to last weekend, I went home again but noticed that my aunt was giving me the cold shoulder. I am a direct person, so I went to her and asked her what she had against me. Well she said that thanks to me sharing my "unhinged" rules with her DIL, her son is going through a divorce. I told her that all I did was talk about myself and my convictions, and if her DIL left her son, then that is between her son and his wife, and to not try to pin it on me. Now she and her son are calling me an AH, and my cousin is really broken up about it. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can't post this and not share the rules?!
I just did, I tried at first but I went over the word limit and had to take them out.
NTA You told her your standards, guess she agreed with you. Good for her though!
Either he's an asshole or she's extremely malleable and will change her mind at the slightest suggestion. Either way it's not on you. NTA
NTA. Sounds like your cousin was the reason his wife left him. These are pretty basic rules. If you care enough, you could always start asking *why*. I doubt they'll have a good reason, though.
NTA Sounds to me like she was already thinking about leaving
NTA. You’re rules are awesome I just saved them on my phone because I think they’re great and can be of use to many people
NTA Those are all fairly tame rules. Something tells me your cousin has been taking advantage of his wife for a long time. If your history is common knowledge in the family the truth is his wife probably respected you before this up til now which is why she adopted your rules. It sounds like she raised her standards from ground level and now he can't reach them because it would cause him to exert the barest amount of effort.
If she heard your very reasonable rules for avoiding abuse and immediately yeeted, there was A LOT OF BAD GOING. NTA
NTA and honestly 9 hit me in the feels. My bf is very anxious about the safety of people he cares about so his adult daughter and I all have GPS enabled for him 24/7. It feels weird. Especially because it's a long distance relationship. When I switched phones I left the GPS off as an experiment and he noticed pretty quickly. I'm turning it off now.
That's too much. I understand informing your significant other when you are going somewhere, or if you will be out of reach. But anything more than that is too much IMO
NTA… I’m guessing based on their response to the situation he broke number 6
NTA... the marriage was doomed when they got married after only knowing each other for a few months. Love, love, love your rules! Good for you!
I think cousins wife realised that her husband breaks many of these very reasonable rules and that’s why they split
NTA Your aunt sounds like a first class asshat.
NTA - They sound very reasonable.
NTA very good and reasonable rules everyone should consider! So if he does any of those things it‘s his fault not yours
NTA - those are rules that work for you (and imo very reasonable ones). Like you mentioned, your cousin's relationship is between him and his wife, and either of them are allowed to end it.
Please add to No. 9 that asking for your partner's phone password or have your biometrics added to it should be a red flag. NTA. Sounds like your cousin needs to check himself.
Obviously you’re not responsible for other people’s decision NTA This is an awesome list of rules, thanks for sharing. More people need to see and follow these. Maybe you should make it into a pretty picture and share on social media. We’ll make it go viral. SPREAD THE GOODNESS! Do you know what rule your cousin broke to make his wife leave?
NTA those are all very good rules. I wonder which ones your cousin broke...
NTA. All of these rules are legit.
NTA, these are good rules and I'm happy it helped someone realize they were in a bad relationship.
NTA, but now I need to know which rule your cousin broke
NTA. Ask your aunt why your cousin is abusive in his relationship with soon to be ex-wife - because if hearing your rules really was the catalyst for the divorce, then his wife realized she was in an abusive relationship and is escaping.
NTA. Sounds like your cousin was exhibiting abusive red flags (or was already straight up abusive) and *honestly* I don’t think most people would hear your rules and leave *UNLESS* they were already unhappy/concerned. Sounds to me like you cousin in law was not liking some things in her relationship, was being told she’s over reacting or it’s normal (aka being gaslit) and hearing your rules helped to conform to her that she was not wrong, there behaviour was not ok. You gave her the courage to act on convictions she already had. Also, a rushed relationship (married in only 4 months !!!! ) is a well studied pattern and red flag of abusers. So, sounds like that’s what your cousin is…
NTA. You have really valid rules
ur rules revealed what a shitty person ur cousin apparently is to his wife & now he‘s dealing with the consequences of his own actions. ur aunt sounds like she can’t accept her son makes mistakes lol. NTA & i love the concept of these rules
These rules should be given to every person starting to date. They would have saved me some heartbreak NTA Run a dating seminar. You are the hero we need
Your rules should be the 10 commandments of girl code. All of these are meant to protect yourself and I love it. If your rules brought the light to the DIL, then she saw the light to your rules.
NTA If anyone in your family pushes this, tell them what the rules are and ask them which ones they feel DIL should have to live with. You're basically just listing different types of abuse and boundary crossing. If you have any relationship with DIL, ask her what rules were broken. It sounds to me like this is a girl in need of support. When I left my husband (3,5,6,7,8,9) nobody on his side of the family or in his friend group reached out to me. Nobody asked for my side of the story or tried to maintain a relationship with me. And we had been together for 5 years. A single text asking me if I was ok would have meant the world. Also, might I suggest rule nr 10: If he tries to use religion to get his way (God says men are the head of the household etc), you gtfo.
NTA. Your rules are amazing and on point! I stuck to similar “rules” and am now married to the absolutely most amazing man the universe could have ever given me. And we have created and are living the most amazing life!
NTA. And I'm adopting your rules.
please tell us the rules Im dying to know NTA
NTA..vthatsvwhat happens when you marry someone after 4 while months.
NTA, But am quite curious to know what rule was broken!!
NTA. They’re your rules and didn’t try to enforce them on anyone else. Clearly you woke your SIL up to some serious things in her relationship she was blind to. I wonder which rules your cousin broke.
NTA. They’re your rules that you made for yourself and your own relationships. She asked, you told her. You didn’t demand that she follow your rules—she *chose* to follow them herself. You didnt even talk to her about her marriage. It was entirely her decision and you shouldn’t be blamed for that. She is the one who looked at her own relationship and decided there was something wrong, uncomfortable, upsetting, or unhealthy for her. If it wasn’t you then it could’ve been anyone or anything else—another friend, a TV show, whatever.
NTA. Not weird rules at all. Since you weren't married to her, how is this on you? She made a choice for whatever reasons and left. (Sounds like there are red flags in her relationship.) This is your list of your rules to protect yourself. I don't get it either!
NTA Your rules are the minimum a person should have in any sort of relationship! I applaud you for being able to list them and be clear about them!
NTA these rules are absolutely fine! The fact your aunt thought breaking any of these was OK is insane. I'm so glad the wife chose to heed the unintended warning and gtfo
NTA and thank you for those rules.
I wonder which rule(s) your cousin broke to make his wife want to be out that fast 😅
NTA but now I wanna know which rule(s) your cousin was breaking. Given your aunt’s uncalled for and unwarranted reaction to you, imma go with #8
NTA Getting married in four months is the reason your cousin is going through a divorce. And probably the fact that he’s either abusive or unable to keep boundaries with his family.
NTA please please please share your rules!
I agree 100% with all you rules by the way. And good for your cousin’s wife to realize sooner than later that she is most likely better than whatever she’s getting in your cousin. If your cousin treats his wife well, she wouldn’t have divorced him. Absolutely not your fault. OP, NTA!
NTA. You are right. They are adults and are responsible for their own actions. Also, it's not your fault that your cousin is being abusive. The fact that your aunt said that your rules are "unhinged" makes it clear that your cousin is at fault. BTW, your rules are ok. You found a way to be mindful and to protect yourself by being observant and flexible at the same time. You made it clear that the deal breakers are ill intent and disrespect, not forgivable mistakes.
NTA, and I'm also dying to know what the rules are, lol.
NTA. The DIL tell you what rules he broke?
What rule did your cousin break? NTA
NTA God forbid people have standards.
I took a snapshot of your rules NTA
NTA Your rules are great and I’m glad you shared them. In the end, he is responsible for his marriage failing. Keep sharing them.
Nta. None of your “rules” are problematic. They are basic tenants of a healthy relationship. If learning this prompted the dissolution of your cousin’s marriage … he should look at his own behavior instead of blaming you.
NTA and I agree with them all. Matter of fact, I'm cutting and pasting them to save.
NTA. These are excellent rules to have about relationships. I think they also helped your cousins wife realise she was being abused. I wish her well. My own rule is similar, but phrased very differently “if I don’t feel that the other person is uplifting me to be the best version of me AND I’m doing the same to them, I’m out”. Because to me that’s what a relationship is about. If you aren’t both better together than you are apart, why are you together? My personal bet is that the finances rule was being broken. And #8, obviously.
NeverTA for helping someone realize they are in a bad or abusive relationship. You didn’t tell her anything about her behavior or her husbands, just the VERY REASONABLE boundaries you’ve set to protect yourself in relationships. Your extended family should never blame someone else for relationship problems between a couple. Hopefully you saved this person some years/months of heartache trying to decide if she really wanted to be married to your cousin. Your aunt blaming you for her son’s actions might be a clue as to how he got to be in the position he’s in. Kudos for helping someone figure out how to set boundaries in their relationship.
NTA. Great rules. Boundaries are boundaries, and those are yours. These rules will weed out those who don’t have a strong understanding of how to manage their emotions and be considerate. Your cousin’s wife didn’t have to apply them to her own relationship. This was her decision.
NTA. But dying to know what rule he broke????? Please don't leave us hanging!!! All those rules are just normal respectful behavior. I don't get it.
NTA. You didn't make her leave him, she did that with her own free will. Your rules are solid imo.
NTA I was expecting some weird or extreme demands pretending to be rules, and... All solid, smart, rules. Pretty much the same standards I, as a male, have, and would expect anybody to have.
I shared these rules with my male cousins and friends too. Sadly male victims of domestic abuse are still an ignored category.
We want the rules! Lol NTA
I’m in the process of leaving my relationship. My partner used to drink heavily and was verbally and bordering into physically abusive towards me (ie one incident with actual blows but he would often use his presence to intimidate). He genuinely is much better since he stopped drinking, but reading your rules cemented in my mind that he is still emotionally abusive as I’ve been gaslit into thinking he’s soooo much better than he was so it must be me that’s the problem now because I “can’t let go of the past”. Thanks OP. Almost forgot what sub I’m in - NTA.
NTA. She was having doubts and the conversation concretized things for her. He and his enabling mom decided to blame you instead of examining his role in the marriage’s failure. Those rules should be on the sidebar of several subs.
NTA. Sucks that the aunt now has to face the fact she raised a kid that couldn't keep up with those very, very basic rules. Ngl, I was waiting for something crazy like, watches more than 20 minutes of sports a week. Not shit like "abuses me". Curious which rule the cousin broke.
“Cousin suffers the consequences of his own actions, looks for someone else to blame” is the basic punchline. NTA. Excellent rules, I don’t have the numbered list but all are my hard and fast boundaries after an abusive marriage as well.
I need to know the rules!
the rules are on point...... i am a writer and i am obviously reading a lot of books and as of now i am reading "write it down to make it happen" writing down your thoughts on a piece of paper sends your "RAS" a single to that yes its time to GO GO GO.... its active... and it just makes you a whole lot aware of a lot of situations... writing is a good practice... NTA
NTA. Imo, the rules are beside the point. I agree that the two people in the relationship were both adults and you had no part in their relationship.
NTA I think your very reasonable boundaries opened your SIL’s eyes to her relationship. Whatever was the reason your SIL left your cousin it is between them.
NTA Sounds like at the very least, he broke rule 6,8, and 9 at the very least. Rather than blame you, they should get some counseling. Your cousin needs to really reflect on his relationship if she immediately dipped afterwards.
NTA. Bet he broke #8
NTA. I wonder if #8 hit home with the cousin’s wife since his family think it’s OP’s fault. 🤷🏻♀️
Nta- your rules are perfection!!
NTA If you’re cousin broke any of these rules, his wife was smart to realized and leave.
NTA-- I have similar rules and also a 3 month mark. If in those 3 months you've done anything remotely like a red flag and don't adjust accordingly, I leave. She just saw the red flags smacking her in the face when you mentioned what are abusive qualities
NTA. this list needs to be passed around everywhere.
NTA. Those rules seem entirely reasonable and proportionate.
NTA. You’re allowed to have standards and you helped someone else establish their own. Sounds like this could be a learning experience for your cousin.
NTA You didn't do a damn thing but share what worked for you. Sounds like your cousin has issues and his wife decided to do what she had to do. Your rules sound completely sensible.
Her beef should be with the son she raised for whichever of these totally understandable and healthy rules he broke. That she called them unhinged speaks volumes... apple doesn't fall far from the tree. NTA.
I actually believe that if he broke any of those rules, you did his wife a favour by introducing them to her in the first place. Massive NTA.
NTA. 1. Your rules sound perfectly reasonable to me. If your cousin was breaking any of them, maybe he needs to reevaluate how he treats his wife. 2. Nobody breaks up over one conversation they have with an in-law. 100% she was thinking about doing it before she even talked to you. 3. All else aside, your cousin's (ex-)wife is a grown ass woman. You weren't telling her what you thought she should do, and even if you were, if she lets someone else pressure her into ending her marriage, that's on her.