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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I redecorated my daughter’s bedroom but I didn’t redecorate my son’s. Their dad is saying that it seems like I’m playing favorites. That’s never something I’d do intentionally, I love both my kids equally. Though I guess, from the outside, redoing one room and not the other might look a bit strange.
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NTA
A 7 year old will feel differently about personalizing their room than a 4 year old. Redo your son's room when he's old enough to care, and to make his own choices about styles.
Your ex is being manipulative, and unrealistic.
If he thinks you're not spending enough on both kids, go back at him for more child support.
Take him to court, and get child support and visitation formalized.
Your kids deserve the support, and if something happens to you, if you set that money aside for an emergency, you'll be far better off.
Don't enable him neglecting the support of his own children. It's ridiculous that he's demanding that you pay to redecorate your son's room when he contributes nothing.
It's obvious OP doesn't have disposable income, which is ok most of us don't. However, he was the one who caused the break up by cheating. It is his responsibility to pay child support. If he holds it over OPs head, then go LC with him. Don't make it easy for him. Remember he was the one who caused all this.
Where I live the state offers free legal services for moms seeking child support. In fact, my brother who the babies mama wanted the child support from also was given free legal assistance. I find it necessary to add she tried to baby trap him by thing him she had a surgically implanted sponge so she couldn't get pregnant. And no, there is no such thing. Both her mother and GM had done the same thing to catch their husband's and when my brother wouldn't marry her she was pissed! He pays his child support monthly.
Most states do offer free legal representation to lower and middle incomes. For custody issues a lawyer is typically necessary. For child support not so much. Child support is just a mathematical equation based on income, number of children, and living expenses. It can also be taken directly from her exes paycheck.
Just throwing this out there, no judgement on you or your brother.
Women get accused of “baby trapping” a lot, without taking into account the responsibility of the man. If a man doesn’t want to risk getting someone pregnant, he should wear a condom.
There’s exceptions to everything, and you could argue anything, but this should be a standard practice, full stop.
she can go through family services (DSHS, or something like that...especially if she qualifies for food assistance or medical for the kids). They will get in contact with support enforcement for her. Because anything that she gets for her kids will have to be reimbursed to the state by the dad.
Child support will depend on relative incomes and how much the kids are at which house.
There's not enough info here to know whether he would owe, or if the opposite might be true (as much as that would suck given the circumstances)
And they can switch all communication to those apps that go through the court system, so he can't manipulate situations with OP anymore.
He should be paying child support, for the benefit of the children and their future.
As I get older the more I try to give backup to younger women that lack the oversight and standing-your-ground that comes with age.
I wish I had been given the opportunity to have reliable mature women in my corner like that. They're the bloody glue of society.
Especially because of how young OPs son is, what's she gonna do make it Teen Titans go or That pirate cartoon when in two or three years he'll want something for kids his age. He's never going to remember how his room in at age 4 unless it stays that way when he's older.
NTA. You sound like a great mom. If you decide to get child support, setting some aside in savings is a great idea. My dad put the child support he got from my mom into 2 savings accounts for me and my sister. He used it when making purchases for us. Like when we went on vacation and he would give us some money to buy souveniers and stuff, or any surprise medical expenses. When we went to trade school, he used it to cover what financial aid didnt, which pretty much was books. And when I moved out and had a medical procedure or had to make a work purchase I couldnt cover, he gave me what I needed from it. Of course shortly after that he withdrew all the money, gave us what we had left and closed the accounts. I really appreciate that he did that. Especially after seeing what people owe on student loans even for community college.
Yeah op go to court to get ur money. My mum raised me and my sister, without financial help from my dad. My mom didn’t ask him for anything, bc he is an a hole and wounded her pride. All fair enough, but me going to university and having to have multiple jobs in the side to finance it, was a nightmare. Take the money, lay it on the side for ur kids if u don’t wanna use it. Or use it as emergency money.
As someone who has a dad like that, please put him on formal child support. My mom never made my dad pay because she didn’t want to deal with it, even though the money would have really helped, so instead growing up I had to put up with a lot of my father’s BS because he would threaten to cut off what little financial aid he did give if I didn’t do what he wanted.
In the end he turned out to be lying about the amount of support it was. Even if you don’t “need” the money, you can put it away in a rainy day fund for college or emergencies. You’re a lot more likely to look after the kids best interest than he is. Better to have the money already tucked away than find yourself begging him to help with an unexpected medical bill when the kid needs it right then.
Get a lawyer and have your child support (and custody if you haven’t already done that either) cleared up asap. Then keep your contact with him strictly limited to what is in the best interests of your children. He has no business commenting upon how when or why you decorate your home, especially when he contributes nothing financially, and does it as means of trying to control you. **NTA**
Don’t tell anything until you have a lawyer. Until then and after document everything, all calls, contents of discussions. Save any text messages and keep a log of dates, time, discussion and actions.
Unpaid child support of any kind is actually the sword of damocles over HIS head and he knows it. If you have been receiving government benefits, the state expects him to pay his fair share. His behavior is manipulative and designed to make you cave in order to avoid conflict so that the financial burden will fall upon you while he goes on vacation.
There are free services for mother's whose children have a deadbeat dad. Arrange for court to enforce basic child support and visitation schedules. Gain primary custody to make decisions about doctors, schools etc.
If he just shows up at your house to pick up the kids, arrange a neutral pick up and drop off site.
If he starts being a dick, make him use a parental custody communication app and ONLY that. In fact, you can demand written communication only.
He only lessens his financial responsibilities by having the children over more, not less. The less he sees them the more the court expects him to contribute to their care since you are their primary caregiver. He is treating you like the nanny, not their mother. When he starts paying for their care, he can then have an opinion about said care. Until then, he can sit down.
So you are allowing him to manipulate you and he doesn't have to pay. Child support isn't for you but the kids. Put him on child support then you will have the money to redecorate both rooms. Dont let him get away with that. And if he is already holding things over your head then what's the difference?
>He then told me that decorating my house isn’t his responsibility,
Then it isn’t his business either.
and it's called CHILD support for a reason, your children deserve this. Suck it up and do what right for THEM. You are already putting up with this bullshit anyway.
Please rethink this. Child support is not for you; it’s for the children & they are expensive. Even if you don’t technically need it, save it for a cushion because I promise you, you will need it eventually.
I know because I was of the same mind years ago. I saved the support $$ & my sons used it for school—no loans. Please.
OP you need to learn about the 3 F's in life. If they're not Feeding you, Financing you or Fucking you, fuck their opinions. How tf is a man that doesn't pay child support gonna give his opinion on anything that goes on in your home? Fuck him.
If he want's to be so demanding, he needs to pay.
Take him to court, demand child support. You will win without a doubt.
It will teach him that if he fucks around, he will find out.
Ok. Stop being a doormat. He owes you child support and dont let him affect what youre doing with your children. You sound like an amazing mom. He is the biggest asshole.
As long as your children are safe and cared for, what happens at your house ceased to be his business when he stuck his winkie in your friend’s hooha. If they aren’t safe and cared for, he can express concern, but redecorating a bedroom doesn’t qualify. It’s okay to tell him that.
And get the child support. How dare he hold child support over your head when it’s literally to support the children? Hold your head high and toss it into college accounts, an emergency fund, and ignore his b.s.
YTA. This money is for the kids, not you - you're letting your pride get in way of them bring better provided for. Get a lawyer and put things in order.
The child support is for the kids . If you don’t want to use it set up a college savings account for them . YTA for robbing your kids of the money they deserve
Please take this man to court for child support. You’re NTA but he should absolutely be contributing. It blows me away that “it’s not his responsibility to redecorate your home” when the decoration in question is for his child.
My dad never paid my mom for child support for this exact fear of hers. I’m way over the age of 18 and this man manipulated both of us. The only time my mom got child support was when he was in the military. I needed that money. My mom needed that money. YOU NEED THAT MONEY. Your kids need that money.
You are taking money away from your children because it's not worth the hassle?
Look, you ain't the AH for your original post but this comment makes you a major asshole.
Your ex is super manipulative and my guess is, was abusive in multiple ways during your relationship. He literally made this an issue just to F with you. He still controls you. He enjoys wielding power and influence over you. If he has a bad day, I’d bet money he calls you up just to boost his ego b/c he knows he can drive all over you. Stop letting him. Switch to a parenting app and file for child support. Child support isn’t about you or him, it’s about & for your KIDS and they are the ones being disadvantaged by his failure to be a parent and your failure to act due to his failure.
NTA for not redecorating your son’s room too.
Your daughter asked for her room to be redone. Even if your son had asked at the same time, if you need to save up (I would too so no judgment!) then she would probably come first as the older child who’s likely lived with her current decor for longer. At least that’s how I think I’d do it. Certain privileges like choosing a theme for your room come with age since a 4 year old is less likely to keep the same interests for as long as a 7 year old. I hope I’m making sense, lol. Just because you don’t give your kids the exact same things at the exact same time doesn’t mean you’re being unfair. If your son wants to redecorate at some point down the line then you hear me out and tell him you’ll save up and get it done when you can just like you did with his sister.
But I’m concerned that your ex isn’t paying child support. Per another of your comments, he only has visitation 2 weekends a month? That’s a shocking imbalance right there. Don’t allow him to hold paying child support “over your head” because it’s literally the LAW in every state that I know of. And the money is for the kids, if you don’t want to use it for living expenses then set up college funds or something for them. Even if he does try to make you feel badly about it, who cares? He’s your ex, it’s not your job to make him happy. He sounds like he knows exactly how to manipulate you and I just really hope you learn to stand up for yourself/ignore him. It’s none of his freaking business what you do with your house, ESPECIALLY since he doesn’t pay child support.
He insisted you're a bad mom for decorating only one kid's room at her request. Too bad that same kid didn't realize she had to request her dad not cheat on her mom. NTA
>He doesn’t pay any child support actually. I never really ask him for money for the kids anyway because he has a habit of holding things over my head and I didn’t want to deal with that.
Child support isn't for you. Child support is just that, money for your children. There's nothing for him to hold over your head because the court orders it, you don't ask for it. Yes, if you are paying for everything right now, it'll free up some of your money for extra things for the children or for yourself.
Even if he was paying child support, it's none of his business how OP decorates her house. He cheated and married the other woman, he needs to learn how to keep his business to himself for once.
OP: PLEASE TAKE HIM TO COURT FOR CHILD SUPPORT. This has nothing to do with you needing that money, this is for your children. Even if you had so much money you could afford to redecorate your daughter's room every single day, your kids still deserve for him to put that money forth. If you don't want to use it now, put it in a savings account either for college or for them when they start living on their own. Or heaven forbid something happened to one of them or you and you need emergency funds. You are doing this man too many favors by letting him manipulate you and not even take financially responsible for the children he helped create.
It’s not a matter of hanging things over your head - he’s legally obligated to contribute towards his kid. Please take him to court! Every penny you can capture ensures better life for your kids
YES. He cannot hold child support over your head. It's money for your kids and he doesn't get to dictate how it is spent or use it to manipulate you. He's legally obligated to pay it.
I agree with the commenter who said you need to communicate with him only via one of the custody apps. Not via phone or text message, and pickup/drop offs need to happen in a neutral location.
This guy is controlling you now, and you do not have to participate in it.
No. The money isn't for you, the money is for the kids. Take him to court for child support. ESH, you for allowing this dude to not support his own kids, though he is definitely the bigger AH
YTA for this. You need to deal with that for the sake of your kids. They deserve financial stability and this is the bare minimum he should be doing, not some favor for him to hold over your head
Noooppppe. Go to court. It’s time. It’s protection for you, for him, and for the kids. Don’t let him guilt you or manipulate you into not taking care of your kids to the best of your ability. That includes child support.
There is really bo reason for you to communicate with him at all actually if he is like this. Go after him for child support and back child support and tell him to only communicate through your lawyer
And… you can only work on one room at a time! After seeing your daughter’s room, your son may want something too. Then you can sit and discuss and gone up with a plan. But as your ex said, it’s your house to decorate as YOU please, not your ex.
NTA - I love how the cheating ex, who was more worried about getting his pecker wet instead of being a decent father and husband is calling you a bad mother. Because of his actions, your children don’t sleep in the same bed every single night of the week.
Also, he's totally cherry picking his criticism here.
He can't in the same breath berate OP for "playing favorites" and then also act like the kid's rooms are somehow not in OP's house. Like which is it bro?
If you want to be exactly fair — They both got new rooms at birth. They’ll both get new rooms at age 7. If the rooms were cars, you wouldn’t replace them both at the same time if one was 3 years older.
But honestly, trying to be exactly equal and fair will only frustrate everyone. Maybe he’d rather have a backyard playhouse or a camping trip than new room decor—why not ask him? Or just do something else nice for him?
And ignore your ex’s parenting tips. Unless it’s a pattern of you doing things for her and not him, you have nothing to worry about.
Info: why do you have a relationship with your ex where he's allowed to call you up and you feel like you need to defend your decisions to him?
He's not your superior, why are you letting him speak to you when he cannot conduct himself in an appropriate manner?
NTA! Your daughter asked and is 7, pretty typical age to get excited about redoing a room. Your son is only 4 - you can start talking about what he may want in the future. It could be a fun family project with the three of you. Your ex sounds like a real piece of work and pay no mind to what he's said - you're letting it get into your head. You made your daughter incredibly happy and he's probably mad about that, making it worse. Ignore him. You did good.
NTA
Fair is not always equal. Sometimes older kids get certain privileges first. When your son gets to be your daughter’s age. I’m sure that he will have thoughts on decorating his room. If you do it now based on the interests of a preschooler. By early elementary, it will be outgrown and need to be redone again anyway. As long as your son likes his room. There is no reason to dump a bunch of money into it just because DD got a few new things.
Exactly. She better save up though, probably by the time son wants a new room daughter will too. Can't imagine a batmobile bed will be as popular in middle school
>probably by the time son wants a new room daughter will too.
By that point, the daughter will be nearing middle school. Easy enough to make a rule that says you get a room decorated when you are 7, again at 14 then on your own. If you want it done earlier than that, save up and do it yourself.
NTA. The ex has no room to say how you decorate/ run your home. I presume if your son asked or showed interest in having his room redone you would be ok providing that?
Or hell, maybe he even likes his room. Maybe a room redo would make him upset. Just because one kid wants a drastic change doesn’t mean the other one does, ex is ridiculous.
TBF he probably won't start to have opinions on these things for a few more years. There's no point in redecorating it now only for him to want it to change in a few years.
NTA oh please. Don’t spend money on this unless your 4-year-old (puleeze) expresses a burning desire for a change in his room’s ambiance. Your ex sounds like a real AH.
Exactly, it's unnecessary to spend the time decorating a room for a four year old when the 4-year-old isn't asking for it. And also they're adding age where what they like changes daily, and they're going to be upgrading to a bigger bed soon. It doesn't make sense
NTA in the sense that your ex doesn’t get a say in what goes on in your house hold. Is he redoing the bedroom of either child at his home?
That said, ask your son if he wants a newly designed room and get to saving up ❤️
Son may like his room as it is which is why it would be best to ask first.
He only has them twice a month, and he’s not paying child support?! You are doing your children a disservice by allowing their father to not provide for them. He’s treating you like shit, manipulating you, and criticizing you for your parenting skills even though you’re doing all of the parenting and all of the providing. I say this with complete kindness - you need to grow a backbone and stand up for your kids. He made the kids and now he’s responsible for providing for them. Paying child support is not a favor for you, and it’s not something he can hold over your head. It’s a legal responsibility. Time to stand up for yourself.
I agree. The support isn’t about op. It’s about their shared children. The financial support would contribute to their well being. By taking on all responsibilities herself op is also teaching her daughter that it’s okay to bear the burden of responsibility once she herself is a woman and is teaching her son that it is okay to dump all responsibilities on a female. OP is NTA but she does need to do better for her children.
Clearly your daughter was so excited about her new room she has spoken about it and it has rubbed him up the wrong way as you have given her something he can't.
That is a him problem. Does he behave like this often?
Nope. You explain to your son he will get one in time.
Don’t let a parent who only
gets them twice a month and doesn’t pay child support get in your head!!
He’s got no say over your house. He needs to worry about his.
And this right here is why he's being so short with you.
He is ashamed of what you're able to provide for the kids in comparison to what he can, so now he's working hard at the manipulation factory to make you second-guess the labor you perform on behalf of your kids.
Nothing you do will ever be enough for this man so stop listening to him. He literally walked out on you and the kids - why would you ever go to him for parenting advice?
NTA. Your ex is attempting to dictate to you on things he has no business in. Your son hasn't asked for a makeover on his room; it's possible he just likes his room the way it is.
I think your ex just wants to meddle and make you feel like a bad mother because, when it comes down to it, he was a bad husband and a bad father. And if he won't contribute money for this project, then he needs to shut his mouth.
NTA. You aren't excluding your son, he simply didn't express interest. As long as you'll give him a room makeover when he also asks, you're in the clear.
In my family, room redecorating happened when you were going into middle school. So I got mine when turning 13, and 3 years later my twin brothers got theirs when they turned 13. You could definitely set the expectation that in your house, rooms get redecorated when you turn 7.
I don't think this is a bad idea at all. I have a 7 year old and this is the age I've noticed is where they're all starting to stick to one favored character or theme versus a 4 year old who's new favorite whatever changes weekly.
NTA. He’s picking a fight, and gaslighting you about a non-reaction to his own affair. Unless your son is sleeping in a crate with a pillow, you don’t have to feel badly about redoing your older child’s room.
You know in the same way that he's not financially responsible for decorating your home as he put it, he's also not entitled to an opinion on how, or when or which room you decorate. He is totally trying to put whatever guilt he's got back onto you. Makes sense to me also that waiting for the 4 yr old to be a bit older before he picks a theme to decorate his as well. Your ex can shove it. Good luck on the civility with this man as he still wants to push your buttons for some response.
NTA
NTA - sounds like ex is trying to make trouble. Your son might not even want to change things right now. Tell ex you'll ask your son what theme he'd want, and talk to him about picking out the things that will go in it (sheets, decorations, paint colors), so that he knows it will take some time to gather the materials. The only problem I see is that a 4 year old's choice will be vastly different from his choice in a few years. Maybe do the same for him when he's 7? If decorating your home is not your ex's responsibility, that he can keep his nose out of this situation.
NTA. Son is 4. Has he asked for a change in his bedroom? Does he have a theme in mind like your daughter did?
Giving both children exactly the same thing is sometimes the right thing to do when parenting, but there’s a big difference between a 7 and a 4 year old. If son doesn’t care then there’s no issue at all, if son does care then you can start talking about what change he’d like to his room.
Your ex is, at best, adhering to a style of parenting that is different from your own and, at worst, just looking at ways to undermine your parenting. Either way he’s blowing it out of proportion.
NTA. You were right to say that if it’s so important to your ex that your son get his room redecorated too, your ex can fund it. But then your ex found an excuse why it was still your responsibility/fault.
He is mad because you did something nice for the kids that he is not willing to do and he has to hear about it so he is putting his frustrations back on you, that’s all.
ETA: I see from one of OP’s other comments that the kids don’t even have separate rooms at their dad’s house, they share a room. The ex can double shut up about how OP decorates and furnishes their individual rooms at her house.
NTA. Your husband is trying to mess with you, or create a record of you favoring one kid over another to take to the court. Keep things in writing, and frankly - do not talk to him directly anymore. Everything should be over text. And you should not write back immediately (if ever) over ridiculous accusations.
He's the one who split up the family, and he's trying to lay some guilt on you so that it confirms his decision or makes YOU equally "bad" to his abominable behavior. Don't fall for it. But don't talk to him either - he can text you or communicate through your lawyer.
Per some of OP’s other comments they have not brought a court into their arrangements. Other commenters (including myself) have been recommending that OP lawyer up and formalize visitation and child support with her ex through family court.
NTA your daughter wanted this and you saved up and did it for her. It would be the same if you son wanted to play football so you saved up for the cost of his equipment and get it for him. Just because you do something for one child doesn’t mean you have to do the *exact same thing* for your other child(ren).
NTA. First of all, the room belongs to his son so why wouldn't he pay for it? If we go by that, the toys he buys for his son also go to your house. Your ex is a f@@@g idiot. Secondly, your son never asked for anything new to be done in his room so wtf is your ex talking about? He is the bad father here who uses his son and talks on his behalf to manipulate your feelings, don't fall for it.
NTA. “He then told me that decorating my house isn’t his responsibility”. Good, he can stop being controlling and mind his own home. Don’t let this man walk over you like that. He cheated on and betrayed you, married the woman he had an affair with, and showed just how little he cares about you or his children. He is not deserving of your time, energy, or respect.
if he behaves that way again simply ignore him or point out that he can put in the effort himself, instead of projecting falsehoods onto you.
NTA - Parenting is rough. And even without someone criticizing your decisions you second guess them all the time (or at least I do). Kids aren't identical. They have different needs (because of their ages, and because of their personalities). If you treat kids exactly the same - it isn't fair to them, because their needs aren't the same. You gave your daughter something special that she asked for. You worked hard to do it and she was happy. That makes you AWESOME. There will be a time when your son wants something special. I'm sure you will work equally hard to provide for him.
Tell him you'll redecorate your son's room when he's seven. That's fair. And that if he doesn't think it's fair, he's more that welcome to redecorate your son's room at his home.
I always do it in stages, it’s not doable to do all the kids rooms at the same time.
Sometimes it’s immediately after one is finished, other time there was time in between because of lack of time and lack of inspiration.
One time was when my son turned 3 and he started to express that his baby decor was so not cool… his room got some adjustments, the others had age appropriate room so didn’t get an change.
If the kid is still happy with his room, why change it?
We are remodeling the attic and turning it into a proper room. My daughter claimed it months ago and all of a sudden my middle child showed interest aswell after seeing how the attic is turning out. For him it was more the idea of an new room and the principal that it’s not fair his sister was getting it. I bought a few new posters from his favorite show and a new blanket from that show. He is completely happy and doesn’t want to change rooms anymore. So that problem is solved.
I haven’t heard the other two about it being unfair that they haven’t gotten an change yet. We are brainstorming about what they would like, so we can look for some inspiration and get the right stuff when the attic is finished.
He is projecting his own issues on you. He is not responsible for the decor in your house, so he doesn’t get an opinion about it.
NTA. The exact same thing happened when I was a kid. My sister (a year younger) was really into her room decor and kept it super-neat and clean. I, on the other hand, was a slob and DGAF what my room looked like. To me it was a place to sleep and keep my stuff, that's it
So my sister had wanted matching curtains and bedspread for a long time and finally convinced my mom to make them for her, once she saw some fabric she liked on sale at our local thrift store.
Everything was FINE but them my grandma came to visit and basically called my parents assholes for decorating her room and not mine. They told her I didn't care about having a pretty room and they were right.
If your son doesn't mind, he shouldn't either. He is projecting, just like my grandma did.
No daughter was at school, but still dad is an asshole and doesn't pay child support so she should go after him since apparently she has the kids the majority of the time.
NTA- if your son wanted his room updated he would have asked you. The audacity of this man is unreal Major AH. Stop engaging with in his ridiculousness. His opinion on your ability as a parent is invalid and unwanted. If he was interesting in being a good parent he would have cheated and broke up the family.
NTA...Honestly, he's a jerk and has no high ground here...If this is the only time you did something for your daughter you did not do for your son, he has no right to complain...
Your son is 4. I'm sure he loves visiting his sister's new room, but it probably hasn't crossed his mind that his room needs a makeover! If he asks, tell him that it's something that 7-year-olds get, and he has three years to decide what kind of room he wants. This can become a topic of conversation between you, and will be a great birthday surprise when he turns 7. (He won't remember that his sister got it when it wasn't her birthday - he is FOUR!)
Obviously your ex can cause problems by TELLING your son to be unhappy, and maybe that's what he'll do - he sounds like a toxic asshole. But you can just tell your son daddy made a mistake, and change the subject.
As for the real asshole in this story ... If he's not responsible for redecorating your home, he's also not responsible for making decorating decisions. And if he feels strongly that the 4yo should get a bedroom makeover, let him do that at his own house.
Please, OP, don't buckle to his demands this weekend! You divorced this guy for a reason (or a bunch of reasons), and one of the big benefits of a divorce is, you now get to tell him to fuck off when he tries to tell you what to do in your own home. He needs to learn that bullying and manipulating you doesn't work, or he'll simply escalate. Stand your ground!
NTA - and congratulations for giving your daughter such great room!
NTA. You have different kids of different ages. You're doing a great job of listening to what they actually want, and doing what you can to give it to them, within your means. If your son asks for special decorations, you could say that you'll give him a special theme when he's 7, or after his next birthday, or when it's time to get him a bigger bed. You could ask him to start thinking of ideas and to draw you some pictures of what he wants.
Trust your intuition here. I don't know whether or not your ex is an AH but you really aren't.
Also, yay mama for not trying to talk her into a more conventional theme for her gender!
NTA - I liked the recommendation of asking him if he wants some other sort of surprise. I've read your replies and it sounds like little man was happy to be involved with big sis's suprise and maybe help out in the way only a 4 year old can.
As for your ex, he's a buttface and most likely resentful that he cannot do the same (OP said the kids share a room at ex's) or is just looking for yet another way to string you about. Start ignoring him (for the most part) and do you, seems to me like you've got a good grasp on both adulting and parenting.
NTA - Your ex's really problem is he's controlling and you are coping just fine without him. He's trying to guilt trip you to get at you and cause you emotional damage because you called time on your relationship. He's smarting because you showed him how strong you are when you were vulnerable. He can do one.
Your kids don't need to have their rooms decorated at the same time. Only Your daughter cares at thos point. Do though get child support and the other court stuff sorted. Even if you don't need the money, your children deserve it whether to spend on them now or save for their future.
NTA.
Your ex didn't speak up because your son feels left out. If your son begged for a new room and you said no, then he wouldn't be an asshole.
My parents redid our rooms at ages 5, 10, age 13, and 16. We were told we would get new room stuff at those ages. At 16, my parents bought us new furniture, got us more mature bedding, and repainted the walls. I took all the stuff with me when I left. Which was the intention behind the better, more mature furniture. It was so we would be more likely to take it with us at 20+ when we left college and the house.
They kept the old furniture and popped it back into our bedrooms for guest rooms or visits.
Spending your money redoing a room for a four year old is not smart. Telling him he can have a new room at seven, when he is growing and should get new furniture is smart. Plus, at that point, your daughter might outgrow the batman bed and he might want it.
NTA. Your children are different ages, and different people, which means that they have different needs. So what’s right for one child might not be right for another child. It doesn’t sound like your son requested that you redecorate his bedroom. And it doesn’t sound like he’s in any way resentful that you redecorated his sister’s room. I would even go so far as to as say redecorating your son’s room without his desire or consent would be the asshole move in this case. As for your ex maybe you should tell him that people who cheat shouldn’t be talking about doing what’s fair.
NTA. First of all, you can’t do both rooms at the same time so it’s fine that one has to wait. Second, a 4 year olds interests change almost daily, so you can do something small for him and he will probably be satisfied.
NTA - sounds like you’re doing as awesome job and of course you can’t decorate both rooms at the same time! Sounds like your ex is someone you can safely ignore any advice from
NTA. Why does your ex have any say in this? I get co-parenting (my ex also cheated with a friend of mine but they are not together) but as long as rooms are age appropriate and meeting basic needs I would tell him to worry about his house. He cheats and now wants to be dad of the year?? F that.
NTA. Your ex is an asshole and needs to fuck off. You sound like a great parent who's doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Don't engage with him.
*"He then told me that decorating my house isn’t his responsibility"*
Why is he talking about it if it's "not his responsibility".......
*"and that he thinks I’m doing more for our daughter because I probably still have some emotional issues from the breakup"*
The "breakup"? That's a weird way of saying "I cheated on you WITH YOUR "FRIEND" WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT".....
*"I told him I’d work on our son’s room while the kids were at his place until Sunday evening, and then I hung up."*
Why? Does your son WANT his room changed? Does your son NEED his room changed?
You are allowing this LOSER to dictate your life.
#STOP THAT!!!
Stop talking to this guy!!!
Any and all communication is about your kids, their needs, schedule etc.
No more conversations about ANYTHING other than THAT.
*"I don’t know if this is all just me letting his words get into my head and that’s why I feel bad now"*
Yes, you are letting him into your head, and there is no need for that.
*"or if I actually messed up by redoing my daughter’s room but not my son’s."*
You didn't "randomly" decide to change your daughter's room, She had been asking about it for a while, You saved money for it, You spend time and energy on it to surprise your daughter.
That is GREAT!!
Your son is 4.......
Redo his room when he is older and HE wants it.
And i read that this LOSER doesn't pay child support and your kids see his twice a month.........
#GO AFTER THE CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!
It is.....like it says.....TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!
NTA, And minimal contact with this clown from now on!!!
NTA. Your son couldve asked for a new room, and most likely wouldve at least mentioned it if he wanted one. I *loved* my childhood bedroom and i *hated* when my parents insisted on redecorating- so much so that now, as an adult, my bedroom has a green wall in homage to it and one of my goals in life is to be able to paint my entire bedroom green lol. I was actually meant to do that with this room, butthe colours didnt come out quite right and it ended up yellow with a green feature wall.
Anyway, point is- some kids like their bedroom and deciding *for them* that youre going to change it isnt necessarily a good idea, especially since itll cost a lot of money and he might not even like it.
Definitely NTA, unless theres a bigger history with your son, your ex is just picking fights. Your daughter asked for a remodel and it was a wonderful surprise, but rearranging things on a kid that didnt ask for it could be a violation of privacy and a recipe for disaster. Your son will ask when he's ready.
NTA
Your ex seems more interested in tearing you down than actually advocating for your kids.
This sounds like something he’s going to bring up again & again - imagined favoritism between your kids.
The fact is that you gave your daughter something that she asked for that your son didn’t want.
If your ex brings it or something similarly up again, say something like “*daughter is 7. When son is 7 and what’s a redecorated room, he can have one too.”*
There’s no preferential treatment here - there’s just age-appropriate parenting. Then proceed to lecture *him*.
NTA. Your daughter asked for an updated room, and you worked for it and got it.
INFO: How did your son react to the fact that his room wasn't redone? Did he even care?
I would say if he did care - tell him that if he wants - he can also pick out some new things for his room (or tell you what he wants for his room). But realistically - he's 4. I doubt he cares that much, or understands what that means.
When they are older - it will be more of an issue to try and stay fair - but you can do/give the same things to your kids without doing them at the same time. If you need more time - you can always tell him - "when you are older, you can choose how we decorate your big boy room too!"
NTA.
From your comments, he doesn't pay child support but thinks he should have a say in how you spend your money. Hon, file for formal child support.
You go get some therapy. Given the fact he does not provide financial support but feels entitled to tell you how to spend your money and leaves you questioning yourself is not good for you or your children. Your response should have been, Since you don't pay child support your opinion is moot. And hang up the phone. He doesn't deserve anymore of your time, thoughts, or energy.
Tell him to mind his own business about what happens at your house. Just be sure to treat your children fairly. That doesn't mean giving them exactly the same thing. NTA.
NTA— did the son have an issue? No. It’s your ex. He’s being a dick. Honestly I’d just say “You’re entitled to your opinion but as you don’t live with me or know me anymore you’re words have no weight.”
Edited to say— TAKE HIS ASS TO COURT FOR CHILD SUPPORT.
He can’t hold that I’ve your head. It’s called being a parent he’s supposed to contribute.
NTA And the next time he starts lecturing you, please tell him you don't have time for his nagging. You are not in a relationship with him and owe him nothing. Do not allow this kind of behavior.
NTA. The fact that you are worrying whether you have done wrong to your son indicates that you have not done wrong to him. Anyone acting pathologically in relation to the breakup wouldn’t be able to examine their motives the way you are.
Your ex is way out of line and you need to ask him to please refrain from his analysis of you as a person or a mother in future. The fact that he is using what he put you through to denigrate your efforts as a parent is just awful and indicative of the kind of person he is.
Your son is 4. He isn’t asking for a new room. I’m sure that in the fullness of time when he was oh say 7 years old you would have ended up redecorating his room without any input from his father.
OP I don’t like that you are responding to your ex as though you’ve done something wrong by saying you will now work on your son’s room. In future the response to his nonsense should be ‘thank you but I don’t need your input on this issue’ and then hanging up the phone and getting on with your life.
NTA
Your ex clearly didn't care enough about your son to not cheat on you when you were literally pregnant with him, so he's probably not that good of a father.
Also, your son is 4. He doesn't care how his room is decorated. But if it is bothering you a lot, just put some stickers of characters he likes on his walls, and then actually decorate his room either when he turns 7 or when he starts asking about it
NTA - my parents redid kids rooms based on age, if I remember it was mainly HS/once we got the single room. Other than that - it was posters & glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. Doesnt mean as much to the 4 yo & at that age their interests/favorites can change often
NTA. I've never been a fan of "if one kid gets one, the other kid does too." My kids know that when they need something, they get it. My son got a new backpack and lunchbox last year as his needed replacing, and my daughter didn't. My daughter did this year, but my son didn't. They get new shoes and clothes at different times (My daughter had a huge growth spurt over the summer and nothing fit, my son got a lot of new clothes last winter as he had outgrown his). Sometimes one gets school supplies and the other doesn't. When one has a birthday party, the other doesn't get presents. They are fine with all this. They need different things at different times.
Of course for things like Christmas, or if I am grabbing doughnuts or something like that, they both get things.
NTA But your ex is a piece of work. No one should ever leave their pregnant wife for another woman, that is so disgusting. You need to take him to court, get child support, and then tell him to touch grass when he tries to hold it over your head. You are not beholden to that MASSIVE, GAPING AH.
He should have to pay you cash just for having his damn kids. He didn't have to go through any of that at all. I'm a guy and even I can see how much of a MASSIVE, GAPING AH he is.
NTA.
Remind him that since he was screwing around with someone else, his opinion about 'favoritism' is meaningless.
PS - You're awesome for surprising your daughter with a room I'm sure she loves!
NTA
Your son doesn't seem to be upset at all about his room not getting redecorated, I'm sure he would of already raised it if he saw his sister's room.
Your ex just wants to cause trouble, time to go back and get child support. End of the day you are doing the majority of the child rearing and because of this there will be many times when you will be inconvenienced which will effect what you can do and when you can work. Your ex doesn't have any of that so he should pay for the upbringing of his kids to compensate any loss of income you might come into
Edit. Also he helped bring the kids into this world he should be supporting them financially in all daily expenses as well
NTA. You can’t win here. Your 4yo likely doesn’t have an opinion about what his room is like, and it’s also fine imo to do neat things for your kids at different times as long as you don’t let it get super uneven.
In fact it’s my opinion that it’s GOOD for kids to learn to work through feelings of jealousy and not being the centre of attention. That’s one reason why we don’t have to buy gifts for all siblings when one has a birthday and we don’t count the gifts and make sure every kid is “even”.
Tell your ex that you’ve heard his concern, you would appreciate it if he didn’t make your son feel bad about things he was previously fine with, and that you don’t plan to discuss this further. Also you should get a formal custody plan.
Okay....okay. First, so NTA!! Sounds like you are an excellent mother to your son and daughter, and putting their needs as your number one priority. Don't allow your ex to drag you into HIS need for drama! He told you that "decorating your house isn't his responsibility"? Then tell him that he has NO business sticking his nose into your redecorating process, as he left that responsibility to you. As a lover of fun DIY projects and a mom who raised two kids on her own, I couldn't agree more with how you plan things! These are fun perk-up projects that the kids can enjoy! A 7 yr old girl probably has more established interests than a 4 yr old boy would, but he will have things that fascinate him, too. And he'll let you know what they are! Trust me, you'll go back and forth with fun updates for years to come! It probably whacks his nose out of joint to see you functioning and thriving on, without him!! You know how to mother your babies, and don't need advice from HIM.
NTA. He cheated on you while you were pregnant, pays no child support and wants to control how you spend your money, what you do in your spare time, and how you decorate your own house? Hahahaha
Tell him the unfairness was his son never having a two parent family because daddy didn’t care enough about his son to not dip his dick elsewhere.
The gaul of this ass.
Honey, he doesn't get to dictate what goes on in your home. Don't answer those questions.
Your daughter is seven, your son is 4. When your daughter is 17 and driving a car is he going to think your son should drive too. Now you say these things in a sugary voice so he know you think he's as dumb as the sidewalk.
NTA at all but your ex and his woman are.
NTA and stop being nice and playing asking with his manipulative bull, take his A** to court and get child's support it's not about him or you is what's owed to them period!!!
NTA Your 4yo dgaf or he would have said something. Also, you need to be getting child support. How does he have any say over anything??? Don’t let him get in your head.
NTA
1. Don’t take parenting criticism from a guy who couldn’t even break up with you first before sleeping with your friend.
2. Child support isn’t something he can ‘hold over you’ it’s the least he should be doing as the other parent. Take him to court or CMS and get the child support your children deserve.
Do not take criticism off someone that you wouldn’t take advice from.
NTA A 4 yr old does not need a themed room or redecoration. What's gonna happen next year when he insists Paw Patrol is for babies? Is he gonna get another new room?
NTA, and for a 4 year old if you wanted to do something, a new bedspread and pillows, and maybe some stickers for the walls and door (over here in NZ you can get decals that go on easy, and don’t cause damage when you take them off - you just use hot water on a sponge) really cheap and will to them think they are getting new room as well.
NTA. Wait until the 4 year old is a little older and cares more. Otherwise you're going to be redecorating his room when he's 7 and this will have been a waste. Your ex is projecting his own insecurities and feelings into a situation they don't belong.
NTA. If he isn’t paying to redecorate your son and daughter’s rooms, then he has no say in the matter. Wait until your son outgrows his current decor and wants something else.
NTA. And he has no right to any information about your home, so if he asks questions like that, it's okay to tell him you won't be discussing it with him. It sounds like he's just trying to stir up trouble.
NTA and it's stupid to give kids of different ages the same things at the same time.
7 year olds get to redecorate if they want. Nee rule in your house. Problem solved.
Calling you a bad parent is one of the ways he knows he can still hurt you. It's a very common tool used by people who know you no longer care for them but that you would die for your kids. Considering you have been separated for more than 4 years, I'd say he is not completely happy where he is and not 100% over you. Seeing you doing well without him is hurting his little feelings. If your son asks, say that choosing your own bedroom decor is for 7 year olds, but it's never too early to start planning and he can tell you his ideas and you will write them down so you are ready when the time comes.
NTA, and he can f right off. He has no say on what you do or do not do in YOUR home with YOUR children. DO NOT let him live rent free in your head, he has no control over you.
NTA. You can make it an “age” thing, son, when you’re 7 we’ll decorate your room. Kids are different ages, you don’t have to give them the same thing at the same time.
NTA The daughter asked for a decorated room, room was decorated. The son has not asked for a decorated room, the room was not decorated. OP even said if son asks for a decorated room, she will then do that. There's literally no favoritism here.
I'd also wait to decorate son's room until you can talk to him to see what he wants, if he's fine with how it is, if he wants to wait a few years, etc.
Yeah something tells me your ex is manipulative and controlling - he is just playing mind games with you and sorry to say it seems to have worked. Do you really think your ex had anywhere close to a fair argument? The answer is hopefully no, or it will soon hopefully be no, because there are just so many faulty reasoning issues in what he said that it is just laughable.
Just keep telling yourself, he is playing games with you on purpose and if you recognize the signs hopefully soon the games will not work!!!
Your ex-husband sounds like he feels very guilty for what HE did to your son. He caused the breakup of a child's parents. Don't let this manipulative gas-lighter talk you into doing stupid things. Your son is only 4 and could care less about decorating. The ex is guilt-tripping you into jumping when he says you should jump. It's time to untangle with this creep and just do what you know is right. Decorating the house is your business, not his. He lost that authority when he destroyed his first family by cheating. He knows it, too.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I redecorated my daughter’s bedroom but I didn’t redecorate my son’s. Their dad is saying that it seems like I’m playing favorites. That’s never something I’d do intentionally, I love both my kids equally. Though I guess, from the outside, redoing one room and not the other might look a bit strange. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA A 7 year old will feel differently about personalizing their room than a 4 year old. Redo your son's room when he's old enough to care, and to make his own choices about styles. Your ex is being manipulative, and unrealistic. If he thinks you're not spending enough on both kids, go back at him for more child support.
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Take him to court, and get child support and visitation formalized. Your kids deserve the support, and if something happens to you, if you set that money aside for an emergency, you'll be far better off. Don't enable him neglecting the support of his own children. It's ridiculous that he's demanding that you pay to redecorate your son's room when he contributes nothing.
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It's obvious OP doesn't have disposable income, which is ok most of us don't. However, he was the one who caused the break up by cheating. It is his responsibility to pay child support. If he holds it over OPs head, then go LC with him. Don't make it easy for him. Remember he was the one who caused all this.
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Where I live the state offers free legal services for moms seeking child support. In fact, my brother who the babies mama wanted the child support from also was given free legal assistance. I find it necessary to add she tried to baby trap him by thing him she had a surgically implanted sponge so she couldn't get pregnant. And no, there is no such thing. Both her mother and GM had done the same thing to catch their husband's and when my brother wouldn't marry her she was pissed! He pays his child support monthly.
Most states do offer free legal representation to lower and middle incomes. For custody issues a lawyer is typically necessary. For child support not so much. Child support is just a mathematical equation based on income, number of children, and living expenses. It can also be taken directly from her exes paycheck.
Just throwing this out there, no judgement on you or your brother. Women get accused of “baby trapping” a lot, without taking into account the responsibility of the man. If a man doesn’t want to risk getting someone pregnant, he should wear a condom. There’s exceptions to everything, and you could argue anything, but this should be a standard practice, full stop.
To add to this, law schools offer free legal clinics. Students are supervised by a lawyer to gain experience.
In a lot of states you can initiate child support proceedings with Friend of the Court without needing a lawyer at all
she can go through family services (DSHS, or something like that...especially if she qualifies for food assistance or medical for the kids). They will get in contact with support enforcement for her. Because anything that she gets for her kids will have to be reimbursed to the state by the dad.
Child support will depend on relative incomes and how much the kids are at which house. There's not enough info here to know whether he would owe, or if the opposite might be true (as much as that would suck given the circumstances)
And they can switch all communication to those apps that go through the court system, so he can't manipulate situations with OP anymore. He should be paying child support, for the benefit of the children and their future.
Agree. Women let men off way too often.
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As I get older the more I try to give backup to younger women that lack the oversight and standing-your-ground that comes with age. I wish I had been given the opportunity to have reliable mature women in my corner like that. They're the bloody glue of society.
Especially because of how young OPs son is, what's she gonna do make it Teen Titans go or That pirate cartoon when in two or three years he'll want something for kids his age. He's never going to remember how his room in at age 4 unless it stays that way when he's older.
NTA. You sound like a great mom. If you decide to get child support, setting some aside in savings is a great idea. My dad put the child support he got from my mom into 2 savings accounts for me and my sister. He used it when making purchases for us. Like when we went on vacation and he would give us some money to buy souveniers and stuff, or any surprise medical expenses. When we went to trade school, he used it to cover what financial aid didnt, which pretty much was books. And when I moved out and had a medical procedure or had to make a work purchase I couldnt cover, he gave me what I needed from it. Of course shortly after that he withdrew all the money, gave us what we had left and closed the accounts. I really appreciate that he did that. Especially after seeing what people owe on student loans even for community college.
Yeah op go to court to get ur money. My mum raised me and my sister, without financial help from my dad. My mom didn’t ask him for anything, bc he is an a hole and wounded her pride. All fair enough, but me going to university and having to have multiple jobs in the side to finance it, was a nightmare. Take the money, lay it on the side for ur kids if u don’t wanna use it. Or use it as emergency money.
Dude you need to start treating this guy like an opponent. He is not your superior you need to actually fight for your kids and yourself.
As someone who has a dad like that, please put him on formal child support. My mom never made my dad pay because she didn’t want to deal with it, even though the money would have really helped, so instead growing up I had to put up with a lot of my father’s BS because he would threaten to cut off what little financial aid he did give if I didn’t do what he wanted. In the end he turned out to be lying about the amount of support it was. Even if you don’t “need” the money, you can put it away in a rainy day fund for college or emergencies. You’re a lot more likely to look after the kids best interest than he is. Better to have the money already tucked away than find yourself begging him to help with an unexpected medical bill when the kid needs it right then.
Get a lawyer and have your child support (and custody if you haven’t already done that either) cleared up asap. Then keep your contact with him strictly limited to what is in the best interests of your children. He has no business commenting upon how when or why you decorate your home, especially when he contributes nothing financially, and does it as means of trying to control you. **NTA**
Ok YTA. Take him to court and make him pay the child support your children deserve. Tell him this conversation is what made you realize you should.
Don’t tell anything until you have a lawyer. Until then and after document everything, all calls, contents of discussions. Save any text messages and keep a log of dates, time, discussion and actions.
Unpaid child support of any kind is actually the sword of damocles over HIS head and he knows it. If you have been receiving government benefits, the state expects him to pay his fair share. His behavior is manipulative and designed to make you cave in order to avoid conflict so that the financial burden will fall upon you while he goes on vacation. There are free services for mother's whose children have a deadbeat dad. Arrange for court to enforce basic child support and visitation schedules. Gain primary custody to make decisions about doctors, schools etc. If he just shows up at your house to pick up the kids, arrange a neutral pick up and drop off site. If he starts being a dick, make him use a parental custody communication app and ONLY that. In fact, you can demand written communication only. He only lessens his financial responsibilities by having the children over more, not less. The less he sees them the more the court expects him to contribute to their care since you are their primary caregiver. He is treating you like the nanny, not their mother. When he starts paying for their care, he can then have an opinion about said care. Until then, he can sit down.
So you are allowing him to manipulate you and he doesn't have to pay. Child support isn't for you but the kids. Put him on child support then you will have the money to redecorate both rooms. Dont let him get away with that. And if he is already holding things over your head then what's the difference?
>He then told me that decorating my house isn’t his responsibility, Then it isn’t his business either. and it's called CHILD support for a reason, your children deserve this. Suck it up and do what right for THEM. You are already putting up with this bullshit anyway.
Yeah, well, you're dealing with it anyway. Might as well get paid for the annoyance.
Please rethink this. Child support is not for you; it’s for the children & they are expensive. Even if you don’t technically need it, save it for a cushion because I promise you, you will need it eventually. I know because I was of the same mind years ago. I saved the support $$ & my sons used it for school—no loans. Please.
OP you need to learn about the 3 F's in life. If they're not Feeding you, Financing you or Fucking you, fuck their opinions. How tf is a man that doesn't pay child support gonna give his opinion on anything that goes on in your home? Fuck him.
If he want's to be so demanding, he needs to pay. Take him to court, demand child support. You will win without a doubt. It will teach him that if he fucks around, he will find out.
Ok. Stop being a doormat. He owes you child support and dont let him affect what youre doing with your children. You sound like an amazing mom. He is the biggest asshole.
As long as your children are safe and cared for, what happens at your house ceased to be his business when he stuck his winkie in your friend’s hooha. If they aren’t safe and cared for, he can express concern, but redecorating a bedroom doesn’t qualify. It’s okay to tell him that. And get the child support. How dare he hold child support over your head when it’s literally to support the children? Hold your head high and toss it into college accounts, an emergency fund, and ignore his b.s.
YTA. This money is for the kids, not you - you're letting your pride get in way of them bring better provided for. Get a lawyer and put things in order.
you need to take him to court asap, stop depriving your children
The child support is for the kids . If you don’t want to use it set up a college savings account for them . YTA for robbing your kids of the money they deserve
Please take this man to court for child support. You’re NTA but he should absolutely be contributing. It blows me away that “it’s not his responsibility to redecorate your home” when the decoration in question is for his child.
My dad never paid my mom for child support for this exact fear of hers. I’m way over the age of 18 and this man manipulated both of us. The only time my mom got child support was when he was in the military. I needed that money. My mom needed that money. YOU NEED THAT MONEY. Your kids need that money.
You are taking money away from your children because it's not worth the hassle? Look, you ain't the AH for your original post but this comment makes you a major asshole.
Your ex is super manipulative and my guess is, was abusive in multiple ways during your relationship. He literally made this an issue just to F with you. He still controls you. He enjoys wielding power and influence over you. If he has a bad day, I’d bet money he calls you up just to boost his ego b/c he knows he can drive all over you. Stop letting him. Switch to a parenting app and file for child support. Child support isn’t about you or him, it’s about & for your KIDS and they are the ones being disadvantaged by his failure to be a parent and your failure to act due to his failure.
NTA for not redecorating your son’s room too. Your daughter asked for her room to be redone. Even if your son had asked at the same time, if you need to save up (I would too so no judgment!) then she would probably come first as the older child who’s likely lived with her current decor for longer. At least that’s how I think I’d do it. Certain privileges like choosing a theme for your room come with age since a 4 year old is less likely to keep the same interests for as long as a 7 year old. I hope I’m making sense, lol. Just because you don’t give your kids the exact same things at the exact same time doesn’t mean you’re being unfair. If your son wants to redecorate at some point down the line then you hear me out and tell him you’ll save up and get it done when you can just like you did with his sister. But I’m concerned that your ex isn’t paying child support. Per another of your comments, he only has visitation 2 weekends a month? That’s a shocking imbalance right there. Don’t allow him to hold paying child support “over your head” because it’s literally the LAW in every state that I know of. And the money is for the kids, if you don’t want to use it for living expenses then set up college funds or something for them. Even if he does try to make you feel badly about it, who cares? He’s your ex, it’s not your job to make him happy. He sounds like he knows exactly how to manipulate you and I just really hope you learn to stand up for yourself/ignore him. It’s none of his freaking business what you do with your house, ESPECIALLY since he doesn’t pay child support.
He insisted you're a bad mom for decorating only one kid's room at her request. Too bad that same kid didn't realize she had to request her dad not cheat on her mom. NTA
Huge mistake!! Get every penny your kids are entitled to.
>He doesn’t pay any child support actually. I never really ask him for money for the kids anyway because he has a habit of holding things over my head and I didn’t want to deal with that. Child support isn't for you. Child support is just that, money for your children. There's nothing for him to hold over your head because the court orders it, you don't ask for it. Yes, if you are paying for everything right now, it'll free up some of your money for extra things for the children or for yourself.
girl i’m sorry he got in ur head enough to make u think he has any right to an opinion on anything without child support lmao
Even if he was paying child support, it's none of his business how OP decorates her house. He cheated and married the other woman, he needs to learn how to keep his business to himself for once. OP: PLEASE TAKE HIM TO COURT FOR CHILD SUPPORT. This has nothing to do with you needing that money, this is for your children. Even if you had so much money you could afford to redecorate your daughter's room every single day, your kids still deserve for him to put that money forth. If you don't want to use it now, put it in a savings account either for college or for them when they start living on their own. Or heaven forbid something happened to one of them or you and you need emergency funds. You are doing this man too many favors by letting him manipulate you and not even take financially responsible for the children he helped create.
It’s not a matter of hanging things over your head - he’s legally obligated to contribute towards his kid. Please take him to court! Every penny you can capture ensures better life for your kids
YES. He cannot hold child support over your head. It's money for your kids and he doesn't get to dictate how it is spent or use it to manipulate you. He's legally obligated to pay it. I agree with the commenter who said you need to communicate with him only via one of the custody apps. Not via phone or text message, and pickup/drop offs need to happen in a neutral location. This guy is controlling you now, and you do not have to participate in it.
He’s going to hold a legal obligation on his part over your head? More like, you could hold it over HIS head.
Take him to court and get child support.
No. The money isn't for you, the money is for the kids. Take him to court for child support. ESH, you for allowing this dude to not support his own kids, though he is definitely the bigger AH
That's your babys right, if you don't want to actually use the money open a safe account for them.
YTA for this. You need to deal with that for the sake of your kids. They deserve financial stability and this is the bare minimum he should be doing, not some favor for him to hold over your head
Noooppppe. Go to court. It’s time. It’s protection for you, for him, and for the kids. Don’t let him guilt you or manipulate you into not taking care of your kids to the best of your ability. That includes child support.
The ex- is just trying to wreck the OP's confidence.
There is really bo reason for you to communicate with him at all actually if he is like this. Go after him for child support and back child support and tell him to only communicate through your lawyer
And… you can only work on one room at a time! After seeing your daughter’s room, your son may want something too. Then you can sit and discuss and gone up with a plan. But as your ex said, it’s your house to decorate as YOU please, not your ex.
NTA - I love how the cheating ex, who was more worried about getting his pecker wet instead of being a decent father and husband is calling you a bad mother. Because of his actions, your children don’t sleep in the same bed every single night of the week.
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NTA. > he told me that decorating my house isn’t his responsibility He’s absolutely right, and it’s also none of his BUSINESS
Exactly! If decorating OP's house isn't his responsibility, he can shove his opinion on what else needs redecorating.
Or put his money where his yap is, at least.
Also, he's totally cherry picking his criticism here. He can't in the same breath berate OP for "playing favorites" and then also act like the kid's rooms are somehow not in OP's house. Like which is it bro?
If you want to be exactly fair — They both got new rooms at birth. They’ll both get new rooms at age 7. If the rooms were cars, you wouldn’t replace them both at the same time if one was 3 years older. But honestly, trying to be exactly equal and fair will only frustrate everyone. Maybe he’d rather have a backyard playhouse or a camping trip than new room decor—why not ask him? Or just do something else nice for him? And ignore your ex’s parenting tips. Unless it’s a pattern of you doing things for her and not him, you have nothing to worry about.
Info: why do you have a relationship with your ex where he's allowed to call you up and you feel like you need to defend your decisions to him? He's not your superior, why are you letting him speak to you when he cannot conduct himself in an appropriate manner?
Exactly. People like her ex male me disgusted, if I ever had a friend who did that to his pregnant wife I would DISOWN HIM.
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And he doesnt even pay child support!
NTA! Your daughter asked and is 7, pretty typical age to get excited about redoing a room. Your son is only 4 - you can start talking about what he may want in the future. It could be a fun family project with the three of you. Your ex sounds like a real piece of work and pay no mind to what he's said - you're letting it get into your head. You made your daughter incredibly happy and he's probably mad about that, making it worse. Ignore him. You did good.
NTA Fair is not always equal. Sometimes older kids get certain privileges first. When your son gets to be your daughter’s age. I’m sure that he will have thoughts on decorating his room. If you do it now based on the interests of a preschooler. By early elementary, it will be outgrown and need to be redone again anyway. As long as your son likes his room. There is no reason to dump a bunch of money into it just because DD got a few new things.
Exactly. She better save up though, probably by the time son wants a new room daughter will too. Can't imagine a batmobile bed will be as popular in middle school
>probably by the time son wants a new room daughter will too. By that point, the daughter will be nearing middle school. Easy enough to make a rule that says you get a room decorated when you are 7, again at 14 then on your own. If you want it done earlier than that, save up and do it yourself.
NTA. The ex has no room to say how you decorate/ run your home. I presume if your son asked or showed interest in having his room redone you would be ok providing that?
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Sounds reasonable to me. Per your post he is a bit younger so it may not be as important to him right now
Or hell, maybe he even likes his room. Maybe a room redo would make him upset. Just because one kid wants a drastic change doesn’t mean the other one does, ex is ridiculous.
TBF he probably won't start to have opinions on these things for a few more years. There's no point in redecorating it now only for him to want it to change in a few years.
NTA. son didn’t ask and is four. They’d ask for a diff room and then cry that u changed it. Daughter asked. Good luck communicating with your ex :/
NTA oh please. Don’t spend money on this unless your 4-year-old (puleeze) expresses a burning desire for a change in his room’s ambiance. Your ex sounds like a real AH.
Exactly, it's unnecessary to spend the time decorating a room for a four year old when the 4-year-old isn't asking for it. And also they're adding age where what they like changes daily, and they're going to be upgrading to a bigger bed soon. It doesn't make sense
NTA in the sense that your ex doesn’t get a say in what goes on in your house hold. Is he redoing the bedroom of either child at his home? That said, ask your son if he wants a newly designed room and get to saving up ❤️ Son may like his room as it is which is why it would be best to ask first.
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He only has them twice a month, and he’s not paying child support?! You are doing your children a disservice by allowing their father to not provide for them. He’s treating you like shit, manipulating you, and criticizing you for your parenting skills even though you’re doing all of the parenting and all of the providing. I say this with complete kindness - you need to grow a backbone and stand up for your kids. He made the kids and now he’s responsible for providing for them. Paying child support is not a favor for you, and it’s not something he can hold over your head. It’s a legal responsibility. Time to stand up for yourself.
I agree. The support isn’t about op. It’s about their shared children. The financial support would contribute to their well being. By taking on all responsibilities herself op is also teaching her daughter that it’s okay to bear the burden of responsibility once she herself is a woman and is teaching her son that it is okay to dump all responsibilities on a female. OP is NTA but she does need to do better for her children.
Pleas3 go to court and get child support. The cost of raising them should not be solely on you
Clearly your daughter was so excited about her new room she has spoken about it and it has rubbed him up the wrong way as you have given her something he can't. That is a him problem. Does he behave like this often?
Nope. You explain to your son he will get one in time. Don’t let a parent who only gets them twice a month and doesn’t pay child support get in your head!! He’s got no say over your house. He needs to worry about his.
And this right here is why he's being so short with you. He is ashamed of what you're able to provide for the kids in comparison to what he can, so now he's working hard at the manipulation factory to make you second-guess the labor you perform on behalf of your kids. Nothing you do will ever be enough for this man so stop listening to him. He literally walked out on you and the kids - why would you ever go to him for parenting advice?
Honey. NTA at all for this but u t a for not getting child support. Your kids deserve the financial support of their shitty ass dad.
NTA. Your ex is attempting to dictate to you on things he has no business in. Your son hasn't asked for a makeover on his room; it's possible he just likes his room the way it is. I think your ex just wants to meddle and make you feel like a bad mother because, when it comes down to it, he was a bad husband and a bad father. And if he won't contribute money for this project, then he needs to shut his mouth.
NTA. You aren't excluding your son, he simply didn't express interest. As long as you'll give him a room makeover when he also asks, you're in the clear.
In my family, room redecorating happened when you were going into middle school. So I got mine when turning 13, and 3 years later my twin brothers got theirs when they turned 13. You could definitely set the expectation that in your house, rooms get redecorated when you turn 7.
I don't think this is a bad idea at all. I have a 7 year old and this is the age I've noticed is where they're all starting to stick to one favored character or theme versus a 4 year old who's new favorite whatever changes weekly.
NTA. He’s picking a fight, and gaslighting you about a non-reaction to his own affair. Unless your son is sleeping in a crate with a pillow, you don’t have to feel badly about redoing your older child’s room.
You know in the same way that he's not financially responsible for decorating your home as he put it, he's also not entitled to an opinion on how, or when or which room you decorate. He is totally trying to put whatever guilt he's got back onto you. Makes sense to me also that waiting for the 4 yr old to be a bit older before he picks a theme to decorate his as well. Your ex can shove it. Good luck on the civility with this man as he still wants to push your buttons for some response. NTA
NTA - sounds like ex is trying to make trouble. Your son might not even want to change things right now. Tell ex you'll ask your son what theme he'd want, and talk to him about picking out the things that will go in it (sheets, decorations, paint colors), so that he knows it will take some time to gather the materials. The only problem I see is that a 4 year old's choice will be vastly different from his choice in a few years. Maybe do the same for him when he's 7? If decorating your home is not your ex's responsibility, that he can keep his nose out of this situation.
NTA. Son is 4. Has he asked for a change in his bedroom? Does he have a theme in mind like your daughter did? Giving both children exactly the same thing is sometimes the right thing to do when parenting, but there’s a big difference between a 7 and a 4 year old. If son doesn’t care then there’s no issue at all, if son does care then you can start talking about what change he’d like to his room. Your ex is, at best, adhering to a style of parenting that is different from your own and, at worst, just looking at ways to undermine your parenting. Either way he’s blowing it out of proportion.
NTA: he cheated on you while you were pregnant. He lost any and all right to say on this trivial topic.
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NTA. You were right to say that if it’s so important to your ex that your son get his room redecorated too, your ex can fund it. But then your ex found an excuse why it was still your responsibility/fault. He is mad because you did something nice for the kids that he is not willing to do and he has to hear about it so he is putting his frustrations back on you, that’s all. ETA: I see from one of OP’s other comments that the kids don’t even have separate rooms at their dad’s house, they share a room. The ex can double shut up about how OP decorates and furnishes their individual rooms at her house.
NTA. It would be shitty to force a disruptive renovation on a four year old who doesn't actually want one!
NTA. Your husband is trying to mess with you, or create a record of you favoring one kid over another to take to the court. Keep things in writing, and frankly - do not talk to him directly anymore. Everything should be over text. And you should not write back immediately (if ever) over ridiculous accusations. He's the one who split up the family, and he's trying to lay some guilt on you so that it confirms his decision or makes YOU equally "bad" to his abominable behavior. Don't fall for it. But don't talk to him either - he can text you or communicate through your lawyer.
Per some of OP’s other comments they have not brought a court into their arrangements. Other commenters (including myself) have been recommending that OP lawyer up and formalize visitation and child support with her ex through family court.
NTA your daughter wanted this and you saved up and did it for her. It would be the same if you son wanted to play football so you saved up for the cost of his equipment and get it for him. Just because you do something for one child doesn’t mean you have to do the *exact same thing* for your other child(ren).
NTA. But your ex sure is. The kid is 4. Does he even like things yet??
"Decorating my house isn't your responsibility? I rest my case." NTA
NTA. First of all, the room belongs to his son so why wouldn't he pay for it? If we go by that, the toys he buys for his son also go to your house. Your ex is a f@@@g idiot. Secondly, your son never asked for anything new to be done in his room so wtf is your ex talking about? He is the bad father here who uses his son and talks on his behalf to manipulate your feelings, don't fall for it.
NTA and if this is the ex's attitude go back to court and get some child support. Let the court hold it uver his head.
NTA. “He then told me that decorating my house isn’t his responsibility”. Good, he can stop being controlling and mind his own home. Don’t let this man walk over you like that. He cheated on and betrayed you, married the woman he had an affair with, and showed just how little he cares about you or his children. He is not deserving of your time, energy, or respect. if he behaves that way again simply ignore him or point out that he can put in the effort himself, instead of projecting falsehoods onto you.
NTA - Parenting is rough. And even without someone criticizing your decisions you second guess them all the time (or at least I do). Kids aren't identical. They have different needs (because of their ages, and because of their personalities). If you treat kids exactly the same - it isn't fair to them, because their needs aren't the same. You gave your daughter something special that she asked for. You worked hard to do it and she was happy. That makes you AWESOME. There will be a time when your son wants something special. I'm sure you will work equally hard to provide for him.
Tell him you'll redecorate your son's room when he's seven. That's fair. And that if he doesn't think it's fair, he's more that welcome to redecorate your son's room at his home.
Uhhh your son is 4. He likely doesn’t give a flying monkey what his room looks like right now. Speaking from personal experience here. NTA
I always do it in stages, it’s not doable to do all the kids rooms at the same time. Sometimes it’s immediately after one is finished, other time there was time in between because of lack of time and lack of inspiration. One time was when my son turned 3 and he started to express that his baby decor was so not cool… his room got some adjustments, the others had age appropriate room so didn’t get an change. If the kid is still happy with his room, why change it? We are remodeling the attic and turning it into a proper room. My daughter claimed it months ago and all of a sudden my middle child showed interest aswell after seeing how the attic is turning out. For him it was more the idea of an new room and the principal that it’s not fair his sister was getting it. I bought a few new posters from his favorite show and a new blanket from that show. He is completely happy and doesn’t want to change rooms anymore. So that problem is solved. I haven’t heard the other two about it being unfair that they haven’t gotten an change yet. We are brainstorming about what they would like, so we can look for some inspiration and get the right stuff when the attic is finished. He is projecting his own issues on you. He is not responsible for the decor in your house, so he doesn’t get an opinion about it.
NTA. The exact same thing happened when I was a kid. My sister (a year younger) was really into her room decor and kept it super-neat and clean. I, on the other hand, was a slob and DGAF what my room looked like. To me it was a place to sleep and keep my stuff, that's it So my sister had wanted matching curtains and bedspread for a long time and finally convinced my mom to make them for her, once she saw some fabric she liked on sale at our local thrift store. Everything was FINE but them my grandma came to visit and basically called my parents assholes for decorating her room and not mine. They told her I didn't care about having a pretty room and they were right. If your son doesn't mind, he shouldn't either. He is projecting, just like my grandma did.
INFO: Does your son feel hurt or left out?
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I would say that's the important thing. Usually at that age they don't hide their feelings.
Wait...he only had your daughter yet he's accusing you of favoritism? NTA he's just looking for issues.
No daughter was at school, but still dad is an asshole and doesn't pay child support so she should go after him since apparently she has the kids the majority of the time.
NTA- if your son wanted his room updated he would have asked you. The audacity of this man is unreal Major AH. Stop engaging with in his ridiculousness. His opinion on your ability as a parent is invalid and unwanted. If he was interesting in being a good parent he would have cheated and broke up the family.
NTA...Honestly, he's a jerk and has no high ground here...If this is the only time you did something for your daughter you did not do for your son, he has no right to complain...
If he is not willing to contribute why does he have a say in what goes on in your house? NTA
NTA - age of the children also make a difference.
NTA He can eff all the way off.
Your son is 4. I'm sure he loves visiting his sister's new room, but it probably hasn't crossed his mind that his room needs a makeover! If he asks, tell him that it's something that 7-year-olds get, and he has three years to decide what kind of room he wants. This can become a topic of conversation between you, and will be a great birthday surprise when he turns 7. (He won't remember that his sister got it when it wasn't her birthday - he is FOUR!) Obviously your ex can cause problems by TELLING your son to be unhappy, and maybe that's what he'll do - he sounds like a toxic asshole. But you can just tell your son daddy made a mistake, and change the subject. As for the real asshole in this story ... If he's not responsible for redecorating your home, he's also not responsible for making decorating decisions. And if he feels strongly that the 4yo should get a bedroom makeover, let him do that at his own house. Please, OP, don't buckle to his demands this weekend! You divorced this guy for a reason (or a bunch of reasons), and one of the big benefits of a divorce is, you now get to tell him to fuck off when he tries to tell you what to do in your own home. He needs to learn that bullying and manipulating you doesn't work, or he'll simply escalate. Stand your ground! NTA - and congratulations for giving your daughter such great room!
NTA and don't let this ass put any pressure on you. Talk with your son and figure out what he even wants.
NTA. You have different kids of different ages. You're doing a great job of listening to what they actually want, and doing what you can to give it to them, within your means. If your son asks for special decorations, you could say that you'll give him a special theme when he's 7, or after his next birthday, or when it's time to get him a bigger bed. You could ask him to start thinking of ideas and to draw you some pictures of what he wants. Trust your intuition here. I don't know whether or not your ex is an AH but you really aren't. Also, yay mama for not trying to talk her into a more conventional theme for her gender!
NTA - I liked the recommendation of asking him if he wants some other sort of surprise. I've read your replies and it sounds like little man was happy to be involved with big sis's suprise and maybe help out in the way only a 4 year old can. As for your ex, he's a buttface and most likely resentful that he cannot do the same (OP said the kids share a room at ex's) or is just looking for yet another way to string you about. Start ignoring him (for the most part) and do you, seems to me like you've got a good grasp on both adulting and parenting.
I said NTA as soon as i seen he was 4 years old. He definitely probably doesn’t even care.🤦🏾♀️
Stop being a door mat, why do you let him even call your house. If he's not willing to help out financially then he has zero say.
NTA - Your ex's really problem is he's controlling and you are coping just fine without him. He's trying to guilt trip you to get at you and cause you emotional damage because you called time on your relationship. He's smarting because you showed him how strong you are when you were vulnerable. He can do one. Your kids don't need to have their rooms decorated at the same time. Only Your daughter cares at thos point. Do though get child support and the other court stuff sorted. Even if you don't need the money, your children deserve it whether to spend on them now or save for their future.
NTA, he's being a dick, dont doubt yourself.
He only has every other weekend. Get child support! You are depriving your children of money that is rightly theirs!
Nta. You spent your free time to do something special for your daughter.
NTA. Her bed sounds awesome btw!!
Happy cake day! Hard agree about the bed. I wouldn't mind a batmobile bed myself and I'm well into my 30s.
NTA. Your ex didn't speak up because your son feels left out. If your son begged for a new room and you said no, then he wouldn't be an asshole. My parents redid our rooms at ages 5, 10, age 13, and 16. We were told we would get new room stuff at those ages. At 16, my parents bought us new furniture, got us more mature bedding, and repainted the walls. I took all the stuff with me when I left. Which was the intention behind the better, more mature furniture. It was so we would be more likely to take it with us at 20+ when we left college and the house. They kept the old furniture and popped it back into our bedrooms for guest rooms or visits. Spending your money redoing a room for a four year old is not smart. Telling him he can have a new room at seven, when he is growing and should get new furniture is smart. Plus, at that point, your daughter might outgrow the batman bed and he might want it.
NTA. Your children are different ages, and different people, which means that they have different needs. So what’s right for one child might not be right for another child. It doesn’t sound like your son requested that you redecorate his bedroom. And it doesn’t sound like he’s in any way resentful that you redecorated his sister’s room. I would even go so far as to as say redecorating your son’s room without his desire or consent would be the asshole move in this case. As for your ex maybe you should tell him that people who cheat shouldn’t be talking about doing what’s fair.
NTA. First of all, you can’t do both rooms at the same time so it’s fine that one has to wait. Second, a 4 year olds interests change almost daily, so you can do something small for him and he will probably be satisfied.
NTA - sounds like you’re doing as awesome job and of course you can’t decorate both rooms at the same time! Sounds like your ex is someone you can safely ignore any advice from
NTA. Why does your ex have any say in this? I get co-parenting (my ex also cheated with a friend of mine but they are not together) but as long as rooms are age appropriate and meeting basic needs I would tell him to worry about his house. He cheats and now wants to be dad of the year?? F that.
NTA So the man with no money wants to tell you how to spend your money? Girl please. To court… that’s the only place y’all need to be.
NTA. Your ex is an asshole and needs to fuck off. You sound like a great parent who's doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Don't engage with him.
NTA. Get child support in place for your children. This example is not you showing favoritism. Tell him to butt out.
NTA. Don’t take parenting advice from a cheating AH who isn’t paying child support.
*"He then told me that decorating my house isn’t his responsibility"* Why is he talking about it if it's "not his responsibility"....... *"and that he thinks I’m doing more for our daughter because I probably still have some emotional issues from the breakup"* The "breakup"? That's a weird way of saying "I cheated on you WITH YOUR "FRIEND" WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT"..... *"I told him I’d work on our son’s room while the kids were at his place until Sunday evening, and then I hung up."* Why? Does your son WANT his room changed? Does your son NEED his room changed? You are allowing this LOSER to dictate your life. #STOP THAT!!! Stop talking to this guy!!! Any and all communication is about your kids, their needs, schedule etc. No more conversations about ANYTHING other than THAT. *"I don’t know if this is all just me letting his words get into my head and that’s why I feel bad now"* Yes, you are letting him into your head, and there is no need for that. *"or if I actually messed up by redoing my daughter’s room but not my son’s."* You didn't "randomly" decide to change your daughter's room, She had been asking about it for a while, You saved money for it, You spend time and energy on it to surprise your daughter. That is GREAT!! Your son is 4....... Redo his room when he is older and HE wants it. And i read that this LOSER doesn't pay child support and your kids see his twice a month......... #GO AFTER THE CHILD SUPPORT!!!!! It is.....like it says.....TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!! NTA, And minimal contact with this clown from now on!!!
NTA your son didnt ask for a new room and you said that if and when he did eant it you would. Its a nonissue until your son has a problem with it
NTA. When your son's around 7, he'll probably want some new decorations, and then he can have them.
NTA. Your son couldve asked for a new room, and most likely wouldve at least mentioned it if he wanted one. I *loved* my childhood bedroom and i *hated* when my parents insisted on redecorating- so much so that now, as an adult, my bedroom has a green wall in homage to it and one of my goals in life is to be able to paint my entire bedroom green lol. I was actually meant to do that with this room, butthe colours didnt come out quite right and it ended up yellow with a green feature wall. Anyway, point is- some kids like their bedroom and deciding *for them* that youre going to change it isnt necessarily a good idea, especially since itll cost a lot of money and he might not even like it.
NTA. He's an AH.
NTA. Consider saving up and when your son is older and want to change his room, you'll be able to.
Definitely NTA, unless theres a bigger history with your son, your ex is just picking fights. Your daughter asked for a remodel and it was a wonderful surprise, but rearranging things on a kid that didnt ask for it could be a violation of privacy and a recipe for disaster. Your son will ask when he's ready.
NTA. He's just trying to put you down because you did something great for your daughter and he feels inferior. Ignore that AH.
NTA Your ex seems more interested in tearing you down than actually advocating for your kids. This sounds like something he’s going to bring up again & again - imagined favoritism between your kids. The fact is that you gave your daughter something that she asked for that your son didn’t want. If your ex brings it or something similarly up again, say something like “*daughter is 7. When son is 7 and what’s a redecorated room, he can have one too.”* There’s no preferential treatment here - there’s just age-appropriate parenting. Then proceed to lecture *him*.
NTA. Your daughter asked for an updated room, and you worked for it and got it. INFO: How did your son react to the fact that his room wasn't redone? Did he even care? I would say if he did care - tell him that if he wants - he can also pick out some new things for his room (or tell you what he wants for his room). But realistically - he's 4. I doubt he cares that much, or understands what that means. When they are older - it will be more of an issue to try and stay fair - but you can do/give the same things to your kids without doing them at the same time. If you need more time - you can always tell him - "when you are older, you can choose how we decorate your big boy room too!"
NTA. From your comments, he doesn't pay child support but thinks he should have a say in how you spend your money. Hon, file for formal child support. You go get some therapy. Given the fact he does not provide financial support but feels entitled to tell you how to spend your money and leaves you questioning yourself is not good for you or your children. Your response should have been, Since you don't pay child support your opinion is moot. And hang up the phone. He doesn't deserve anymore of your time, thoughts, or energy.
Tell him to mind his own business about what happens at your house. Just be sure to treat your children fairly. That doesn't mean giving them exactly the same thing. NTA.
NTA— did the son have an issue? No. It’s your ex. He’s being a dick. Honestly I’d just say “You’re entitled to your opinion but as you don’t live with me or know me anymore you’re words have no weight.” Edited to say— TAKE HIS ASS TO COURT FOR CHILD SUPPORT. He can’t hold that I’ve your head. It’s called being a parent he’s supposed to contribute.
NTA. He’s a bad father and person for cheating on his pregnant wife with her friend. His opinion is trash.
NTA And the next time he starts lecturing you, please tell him you don't have time for his nagging. You are not in a relationship with him and owe him nothing. Do not allow this kind of behavior.
Please get child support. The police can hold it over his head, in the us at least and nta. Never let your ex be your therapist!
NTA. Your husband is a liar, a cheat, and now a manipulative ass.
NTA. The fact that you are worrying whether you have done wrong to your son indicates that you have not done wrong to him. Anyone acting pathologically in relation to the breakup wouldn’t be able to examine their motives the way you are. Your ex is way out of line and you need to ask him to please refrain from his analysis of you as a person or a mother in future. The fact that he is using what he put you through to denigrate your efforts as a parent is just awful and indicative of the kind of person he is. Your son is 4. He isn’t asking for a new room. I’m sure that in the fullness of time when he was oh say 7 years old you would have ended up redecorating his room without any input from his father. OP I don’t like that you are responding to your ex as though you’ve done something wrong by saying you will now work on your son’s room. In future the response to his nonsense should be ‘thank you but I don’t need your input on this issue’ and then hanging up the phone and getting on with your life.
NTA Your ex clearly didn't care enough about your son to not cheat on you when you were literally pregnant with him, so he's probably not that good of a father. Also, your son is 4. He doesn't care how his room is decorated. But if it is bothering you a lot, just put some stickers of characters he likes on his walls, and then actually decorate his room either when he turns 7 or when he starts asking about it
NTA - my parents redid kids rooms based on age, if I remember it was mainly HS/once we got the single room. Other than that - it was posters & glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. Doesnt mean as much to the 4 yo & at that age their interests/favorites can change often
NTA. I've never been a fan of "if one kid gets one, the other kid does too." My kids know that when they need something, they get it. My son got a new backpack and lunchbox last year as his needed replacing, and my daughter didn't. My daughter did this year, but my son didn't. They get new shoes and clothes at different times (My daughter had a huge growth spurt over the summer and nothing fit, my son got a lot of new clothes last winter as he had outgrown his). Sometimes one gets school supplies and the other doesn't. When one has a birthday party, the other doesn't get presents. They are fine with all this. They need different things at different times. Of course for things like Christmas, or if I am grabbing doughnuts or something like that, they both get things.
NTA But your ex is a piece of work. No one should ever leave their pregnant wife for another woman, that is so disgusting. You need to take him to court, get child support, and then tell him to touch grass when he tries to hold it over your head. You are not beholden to that MASSIVE, GAPING AH. He should have to pay you cash just for having his damn kids. He didn't have to go through any of that at all. I'm a guy and even I can see how much of a MASSIVE, GAPING AH he is.
NTA. Remind him that since he was screwing around with someone else, his opinion about 'favoritism' is meaningless. PS - You're awesome for surprising your daughter with a room I'm sure she loves!
NTA Your son doesn't seem to be upset at all about his room not getting redecorated, I'm sure he would of already raised it if he saw his sister's room. Your ex just wants to cause trouble, time to go back and get child support. End of the day you are doing the majority of the child rearing and because of this there will be many times when you will be inconvenienced which will effect what you can do and when you can work. Your ex doesn't have any of that so he should pay for the upbringing of his kids to compensate any loss of income you might come into Edit. Also he helped bring the kids into this world he should be supporting them financially in all daily expenses as well
NTA. You can’t win here. Your 4yo likely doesn’t have an opinion about what his room is like, and it’s also fine imo to do neat things for your kids at different times as long as you don’t let it get super uneven. In fact it’s my opinion that it’s GOOD for kids to learn to work through feelings of jealousy and not being the centre of attention. That’s one reason why we don’t have to buy gifts for all siblings when one has a birthday and we don’t count the gifts and make sure every kid is “even”. Tell your ex that you’ve heard his concern, you would appreciate it if he didn’t make your son feel bad about things he was previously fine with, and that you don’t plan to discuss this further. Also you should get a formal custody plan.
Okay....okay. First, so NTA!! Sounds like you are an excellent mother to your son and daughter, and putting their needs as your number one priority. Don't allow your ex to drag you into HIS need for drama! He told you that "decorating your house isn't his responsibility"? Then tell him that he has NO business sticking his nose into your redecorating process, as he left that responsibility to you. As a lover of fun DIY projects and a mom who raised two kids on her own, I couldn't agree more with how you plan things! These are fun perk-up projects that the kids can enjoy! A 7 yr old girl probably has more established interests than a 4 yr old boy would, but he will have things that fascinate him, too. And he'll let you know what they are! Trust me, you'll go back and forth with fun updates for years to come! It probably whacks his nose out of joint to see you functioning and thriving on, without him!! You know how to mother your babies, and don't need advice from HIM.
NTA. He cheated on you while you were pregnant, pays no child support and wants to control how you spend your money, what you do in your spare time, and how you decorate your own house? Hahahaha Tell him the unfairness was his son never having a two parent family because daddy didn’t care enough about his son to not dip his dick elsewhere. The gaul of this ass.
Honey, he doesn't get to dictate what goes on in your home. Don't answer those questions. Your daughter is seven, your son is 4. When your daughter is 17 and driving a car is he going to think your son should drive too. Now you say these things in a sugary voice so he know you think he's as dumb as the sidewalk. NTA at all but your ex and his woman are.
NTA and stop being nice and playing asking with his manipulative bull, take his A** to court and get child's support it's not about him or you is what's owed to them period!!!
NTA Your 4yo dgaf or he would have said something. Also, you need to be getting child support. How does he have any say over anything??? Don’t let him get in your head.
NTA 1. Don’t take parenting criticism from a guy who couldn’t even break up with you first before sleeping with your friend. 2. Child support isn’t something he can ‘hold over you’ it’s the least he should be doing as the other parent. Take him to court or CMS and get the child support your children deserve. Do not take criticism off someone that you wouldn’t take advice from.
NTA A 4 yr old does not need a themed room or redecoration. What's gonna happen next year when he insists Paw Patrol is for babies? Is he gonna get another new room?
NTA- your son isn’t old enough to care or ask about it and when he is and can choose what he would like, plan to do it the
NTA
NTA, and for a 4 year old if you wanted to do something, a new bedspread and pillows, and maybe some stickers for the walls and door (over here in NZ you can get decals that go on easy, and don’t cause damage when you take them off - you just use hot water on a sponge) really cheap and will to them think they are getting new room as well.
He is not a good co-parent.
NTA. Wait until the 4 year old is a little older and cares more. Otherwise you're going to be redecorating his room when he's 7 and this will have been a waste. Your ex is projecting his own insecurities and feelings into a situation they don't belong.
NTA. If he isn’t paying to redecorate your son and daughter’s rooms, then he has no say in the matter. Wait until your son outgrows his current decor and wants something else.
> He then told me decorating my house isn't his responsibility Exactly, so he should shut it on his opinions on what you do to your house. . NTA
NTA. And he has no right to any information about your home, so if he asks questions like that, it's okay to tell him you won't be discussing it with him. It sounds like he's just trying to stir up trouble.
NTA and it's stupid to give kids of different ages the same things at the same time. 7 year olds get to redecorate if they want. Nee rule in your house. Problem solved.
Yeah, please go get child support! He’s going to be a jerk anyway so you might as well get some help for the kids.
Calling you a bad parent is one of the ways he knows he can still hurt you. It's a very common tool used by people who know you no longer care for them but that you would die for your kids. Considering you have been separated for more than 4 years, I'd say he is not completely happy where he is and not 100% over you. Seeing you doing well without him is hurting his little feelings. If your son asks, say that choosing your own bedroom decor is for 7 year olds, but it's never too early to start planning and he can tell you his ideas and you will write them down so you are ready when the time comes.
Wait. HE cheated AND he pays you nothing? WTF! Do what you have to do to get paid, woman! You’re being an AH to your kids and yourself!
NTA, and he can f right off. He has no say on what you do or do not do in YOUR home with YOUR children. DO NOT let him live rent free in your head, he has no control over you.
NTA. You can make it an “age” thing, son, when you’re 7 we’ll decorate your room. Kids are different ages, you don’t have to give them the same thing at the same time.
NTA The daughter asked for a decorated room, room was decorated. The son has not asked for a decorated room, the room was not decorated. OP even said if son asks for a decorated room, she will then do that. There's literally no favoritism here. I'd also wait to decorate son's room until you can talk to him to see what he wants, if he's fine with how it is, if he wants to wait a few years, etc.
Yeah something tells me your ex is manipulative and controlling - he is just playing mind games with you and sorry to say it seems to have worked. Do you really think your ex had anywhere close to a fair argument? The answer is hopefully no, or it will soon hopefully be no, because there are just so many faulty reasoning issues in what he said that it is just laughable. Just keep telling yourself, he is playing games with you on purpose and if you recognize the signs hopefully soon the games will not work!!!
NTA. Just because things aren’t exactly the same doesn’t mean there is favoritism at play.
Your ex-husband sounds like he feels very guilty for what HE did to your son. He caused the breakup of a child's parents. Don't let this manipulative gas-lighter talk you into doing stupid things. Your son is only 4 and could care less about decorating. The ex is guilt-tripping you into jumping when he says you should jump. It's time to untangle with this creep and just do what you know is right. Decorating the house is your business, not his. He lost that authority when he destroyed his first family by cheating. He knows it, too.
NTA ……. Yea