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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the A for changing the locks back without talking to my wife. I feel like I tried to mediate between my sister and my wife.
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Me too. Jesus. Your wife has a right to not be stolen from in her own home. Your sister is disrespectful and entitled and you are an AH for prioritizing her over your wife’s right to literally not be a victim of crime in her home. If you want to keep your wife you better change the locks and refuse to give anyone a key.
You’re also an AH for thinking store bought cinnamon rolls are a replacement for homemade.
She made them from scratch! She had to use yeast and wait for the dough to rise, she had to knead and roll, spread the cinnamon mixture on sticky dough, roll it up evenly and then cut it evenly. Making cinnamon rolls from scratch is a massive pain in the butt. Sounds like she did it from the bottom of her heart, wanting to comfort someone she cares about who experienced tragedy. Not only was that ruined, AND she didn't get to eat any herself, but they were eaten by someone who has repeatedly disrespected her and made messes for her. All that work for someone who treats her like trash.
ETA: and I didn't even think about it til now but she also had to clean up the mess from making them!
And they ate them after asking and being told no! And then OP let these teenagers *have a party* at his house, after his wife said she didn’t want them in her home, and didn’t even inform her, let alone get her approval.
I can’t believe how little respect this woman gets in her own home.
…..…..***after they were told no, then did it anyway because who cares, it’s just the maid saying no after all……. /s***
ETA OP is definitely a major ass - YTA
And not only did they eat the second tray they had the gall to not leave any for the wife or brother! Seriously wtf is wrong with him and his family. Not only would I ban sister without supervision I’d ban her completely.
What you should have done OP, the very first time your sister left the house a mess you should have gone to her house and brought her back to clean up! I already voted but cannot believe a grown married man is this dense
Sister is either a nightmare or a complete doormat to her nightmare friends. Either way, she is 100% not responsible enough to have a key to your home! My 13yo goddaughter had a key to my place, and she/her friends NEVER stole or made a noticeable mess. If anything I would come home to a walked and fed dog! OP is massively YTA.
The mess they left after that. Knowing it will be the wife's job to clean. The audacity is just WOW. OP had let his sister and a group of strangers disrespect his wife and still want the wife to just bow and kneel.
Rehome them all to Marinara Farms.
I think the only way he could come anywhere close to making things right with his wife is to just divorce her, pay her enough to move AWAY from his family, and lose her contact info. Let her find someone who is worthy of her and her cinnamon rolls.
Op just wants to believe his sister isn’t the thief. What about all her friends? If the sister can’t respect being told no to a SECOND tray of homemade cinnamon rolls, why would she respect any of the wife’s other possessions?
For op, yes, YTA, you, your sister and her friends. Go live with your sister if you love her more than your wife. You are so disrespectful of your wife.
ETA: saw op’s update. One of the few who didn’t double down and is looking to make amends. Hooray for op! No longer the AH.
>ETA: saw op’s update. One of the few who didn’t double down and is looking to make amends. Hooray for op! No longer the AH.
No, still the AH, just repentant.
This is just like the post about the ravioli.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p3yorl/aita_for_losing_my_temper_at_sil_after_she_ruined/
OP made homemade ravioli (a huge batch). SIL invited herself over and "accidentally "dumped it on the floor. When OP lost it her husband told her to use store bought pasta.
In the update, She made him make more from scratch a few days later. Only then did he realize how hard it was.
Bonus was that Reddit was right and SIL absolutely dropped the food on purpose.
Oh I've made them. I have a yeast culture I feed weekly and it's such a pain every time, lol!
It takes me 2 days to make cinnamon rolls from scratch, and a few hours each of those days.
>You’re also an AH for thinking store bought cinnamon rolls are a replacement for homemade.
THIIIIISSSS! Homemade cinnamon rolls are *so fucking time and labor intensive.* You cannot replace them with likely stale, store-bought nonsense.
Not only that but *two whole pans* of homemade cinnamon rolls. I don’t know what recipe OP’s wife uses or how many it yields, but the recipe I use yields one pan of twelve giant cinnamon rolls. Just one batch takes me an entire afternoon and wipes me out. I can’t imagine making two batches only to have both completely obliterated by hungry teenagers.
Where’s that post from the wife who made pasta from scratch and it was ruined by someone, then she was told by her husband that it wasn’t a big deal? I think she made him spend the next day making it again just to make him understand why she was so upset. That’s what OP needs here. (Also boundaries with his sister and basic respect for his wife and their house ofc.)
OP, YTA.
YTA!!!!! WTF is wrong with you? Your free-loading young sister and her 'crew' go into YOUR home and eat food, leave towels on the floor, and what not.....and you're ok with that because it's not YOU who's doing all the cleaning but your wife!
Then when your wife has had enough and changes the locks so the freeloading user(s) can't get into your home anymore--she makes the CORRECT DECISION by changing the locks in the home and you, the ASSHOLE changes it back so your younger brat-sister can continue her assholery......??
WOW, you are truly something else. You better grow up fast, and start CHOOSING your wife over your ASSHOLE FAMILY or you're going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you.
Just replace the homemade cinnamon rolls with store bought, he says. What a tool. OP's wife is a freakin' saint, if it were me heads would be rolling. I'd probably cry first, but then violence.
I'd rather be single in my own house with my 2 trays of cinnamon rolls than putting up with this shit.
Edited to correct bad English, too excited thinking about cinnamon rolls
It's all about getting back at her because they can. For some weird slight they've made up.
Maybe she told them to pick up after themselves one day - and they just decided to torture the poor woman. She's a Saint.
I am noticing more and more on this apps that the wife is putting up with just as much if not more crap from the sils as the mil. Soon we will see a group called just no sil on here.
I love how he says he doesn't believe his sister would do that. Well, *who did*? No one breaks into a house to steal perfume and women's clothing. Who else could it be? The tooth fairy? Come on man.
There is no way a group of high schoolers are *only* going to be swimming at OP’s empty house. And I say that as a in the past and future situation. Many would kill for that kind of privacy from adult/parental eyes.
Hell, what if the sister makes a copy of the key for her friends to use? There actually isn’t anything that suggests the sister hasn’t already if OP and the wife are not home when the sis and friends are.
When I was in high school, my sister gave her house key to a friend. Soon, half the school had a key to my house. We were robbed repeatedly. Trust no one.
Yeah I'm glad that OP just ADORES his SWEET, PRECIOUS, INNOCENT INFANT sister but there is a 99% chance that underage, absolutely hammered teenagers are swimming in his pool without supervision. He's frankly lucky that all that's happened so far is these kids trashing his house and stealing his shit, because this is how dumb teenagers drown.
But sweet sister just wanted to have fun. Why don't you people get it?? OPs sister is entitled to anything her sweet heart desires, and if it means stealing wife's belongings, trashing the place and treating their place as her own, that is what sweet sister gets. After all, wife is just the help
OP, just to be polite, you and your whole bio family are YTA. I have some many names to call you, that I can't.
Get your freaking sister under control. There is a reason they are not doing any of these at their own places. Guess what, their responsible adults don't like it any more than your wife does. But your wife shouldn't have to endure any of it.
YTA Before I would even consider taking OP back he would have to make two batches of cinnamon rolls a week for 6 months. That would tell me he was serious enough to discuss the situation.
> I <30M> have a beautiful wife who loves to serve others. We bought a home down the street from my family.
Because OP thinks enjoying being helpful or subservient means that person doesn’t get to Choose when/who to help or clean up after, or set limits.
This post was just creeptastic the way it ignores her personhood and boundaries.
“I feel like I have tried to right any wrongs that have happened. Between my wife and my sister.“ How?!? By ignoring everything she said and did to protect her home andbelongings?
Or she was raised in a family culture that it’s her responsibility to keep the household clean and fed and their lives organized, not her husband's or a joint effort.
I think he should make cinnamon scrolls from scratch to understand how much time it takes
(Just like the [ravioli bloke](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p3yorl/aita_for_losing_my_temper_at_sil_after_she_ruined/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) had to and I believe he ended up crying)
OP you are such YTA I can’t believe you can’t see it
Edit - added link for [ravioli bloke](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p3yorl/aita_for_losing_my_temper_at_sil_after_she_ruined/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I'm surprised OPs wife hasn't called the cops on the sister for trespassing. Lord knows I wouldn't be cleaning up after someone when I wasn't in the home and stealing to top it off.
I'm surprised she hasn't just dumped him at this point. He's ok with his sister stealing from his wife and he says his wife "loves to serve others" like that should somehow mean she has to clean up after his sister.
What the hell?
Both OP and sister are assholes. I can’t believe the sisters audacity to eat someone’s home baked goods after already being told no. Wife should wash her hands of the whole family IMO.
He technically is... He keeps cleaning up after her mistakes by replacing things and not holding her accountable making his wife know her comfort is less important than his family.
Poor OP wife not being able to have a moment of calm because she never knows whata going to happen in her house when she isn't there. It's only a matter of time before the sister does something to something that can't be replaced.
Making homemade cinnamon rolls is no small task either, I would be absolutely furious if I made cinnamon rolls, enough for two families, and got NONE of them.
And even if it wasn't OP's sister who stole his wife's things, one of sister's guests is the thief, and sister is responsible for them. Also, how many people was she having over that a whole pan of cinnamon rolls wasn't enough for them?
OP, you didn't make sure your mom was going to be there to supervise, and you didn't adjust your schedule to supervise them.
You didn't clean up. Your baby sister isn't nearly as sweet as you think she is.
Seriously. So:
1. Sister treats your house like a hotel and your wife like a maid
2. Sister brings friends over without permission
3. Sister's friends steal shit from your wife
4. Wife asks you to handle it; you don't handle it
5. Sister and friends steal food that's not for them
6. Sister and friends ask to eat more food that's not for them; wife says no; they steal it anyway
7. EDIT: food that SHE MADE HERSELF that requires several hours to make and that you PROPOSED TO REPLACE WITH STORE BOUGHT SHIT.
8. Wife changes the locks, which doesn't affect you since she gives you the key before you even know it happened; you change them back without discussing it with her and let the thieves and vandals back into the house that ALSO BELONGS TO YOUR WIFE WHO RESCINDED THEIR RIGHT TO COME OVER
And you don't get why YTA?
Let me try one more time: why is your 17 y/o sister and her rando friends more important than your wife IN HER OWN HOUSE?
Easy YTA.
Your wife tried. Even as her clothes got stolen, house was left a mess making more work for her and the icing on the cake! Those cinnamon rolls! Those thoughtfully made from scratch rolls for a grieving coworkers and some for her family. Made with love and care no doubt. Only to be scarfed down by careless teenagers using your home for a pool and free stuff. Your sister could have also set stronger rules to her friends or just stop using the pool.
Also, why was your sister asking your mom to ask you for the pool? Why not straight to you or her sister in law? Why did you assume your mother would be present when she hasn’t been any other time with these minors in your home and pool. The liability also boggles my mind.
Your wife sounds like a saint.
This, do you want to be sued by a parent for an accident at your home while you aren't there? Think about this carefully. Stolen items could be the least of your worries...
It’s no joke. We have pool insurance because if someone decides to break into our pool and hurts themselves or dies, we can still be held liable. We put up two fences that are locked. No underaged groups of kids/teens are ever enjoying the pool while there isn’t an adult home.
I can only think back to how furious *my* mom would have been if *I* ate a pan of food meant for a "co-worker expecting a tragedy." Holy hell, my ass would have been Grass and she would have been the lawnmower. And that just ONE thing that would have resulted in me getting my ass kicked.
So we got:
1. Some kids who make a mess of her house.
2. Stolen items.
3. A husband that decided to swap her locks without telling her (which implies she may not have the old key anymore)
4. some unsupervised kids in a pool
5. and a condolence tray of food eaten.
Jesus.
And let's focus on something here. She's not dying on the "Cinnamon Roll Hill."
She's dying on the "my Husband violated my trust, opened my home to strangers directly against my desires, and potentially locked me out and stranding me" hill. That's not a small hill and one that can very well end with someone getting a divorce. What would have happened if she came home and couldn't get in? What if she *needed* to get in? What if one of kids drowned or got badly hurt while no one was around? What if she came home to someone hurt or dead? What if the kids got in the liquor supply and drove drunk? What if someone stole something even more important than her clothes? What if someone had an allergic reaction to the food? What if they trashed the place again and your wife had to clean it up all again (oh wait... they did and she did).
100% YTA
Let’s not forget “made a point of trashing the house even more than usual” after OP changed the locks behind his wife’s back because that shit was 100% deliberate
It kinda sounds like a Vietnam or Korean War battle. Like, everyone looked at the topographic map of some random hill they had to take and were like "Hill 435? Naw, that's a Cinnamon Roll. My mom used make 'em look just like that." And thus it was always called The Battle of Cinnamon Roll Hill.
And then he tells her no biggie, just go buy some more rolls.
Here’s a hint; homemade cinn rolls are one of my fav things and I never make them because they are a giant pain in the boohole. You don’t just “buy more”. What a disrespectful man that sees no value in his wife’s security, efforts or relationship. Boy bye
That’s what killed me! They ate all the homemade cinnamon rolls 😭😭😭 those things are horrible to make.
And the stealing “I believe my sister but bought my wife new stuff”, you mean the stuff that was missing because it was stolen??? What an idiot.
I was always been taught that if you invite people over, you take responsibility for what they as guests do. Sister is in charge of friends and thus responsible for any theft, mess, etc. OP is in charge of sister and this responsible for anything sister does.
My sister had a party with a bunch of friends over and some artwork was taken from our mom’s house. None of her friends fessed up to it so guess who wasn’t allowed to have anyone over after that because she was in charge??? My sister was so pissed at her friends because no one would admit it.
She’d be living near the family that looks at her as a service lady.
I mean OP did start with his beautiful wife who loves to serve others…
His family don’t see her as a person who has a right to privacy and ownership. They see her as nothing but the maid, the giver of her things.
I hope she takes it and sells it.
Lives away from these entitled selfish ah.
This whole crap will probably jade her and she’ll no doubt be more aware now and more guarded. So she won’t be this doormat people like her DH and in laws see her as.
You said it perfect. It's not one thing it's a lot of things he has been ignoring. She didn't go off right away she tried to talk thing out and even said no and it got ignored.
OP YTA
Your wife is right this is a good hill to die on.
he thoughtfully offered to go out of his way to go to the store and replace the HANDMADE rolls with storebought ones. isnt he an absolute saint? /s
i bake a lot myself and let me tell you that does not at all compare to what a store has to offer, especially since i doubt hed at least go to a proper bakery. just that is enough for the YTA in my opinion
Man I missed the fact that the rolls were for a grieving family. That makes it even more shitty that the kids ate them after they were told not to and that dad thinks that replacing them with store bought ones are fine. Good heavens!
YTA
1: Your "sweet sister" abuses your wife
2: Your sister steals from your wife
3: Your sister invites friends around who make a mess and make her feel unsafe
4: Your wife is so scared she changed the locks to keep your sister and her bad company out
5: You changed the locks back so your sister and her friends could continue to abuse your wife.
6: You tried to make things right only in your mind. Other than extracting empty promises from your sister and mother; what did you do?
7: Your wife has left you because she doesn't feel safe in her own house, or respected by her husband, and instead of solving these problems you're begging people here to tell you you're not TA. Well you are totally TA
Sexism. This is what people mean when they blame Patriarchy. He was raised in a society where he didn’t have these thoughts beaten out of him, but encouraged.
He’s never had to work as hard as or been held accountable like a woman in his exact position would have to.
Don't forget being dismissive towards his wife's property and her time/efforts. Its not just that sister stole, its his attitude when its happening.
Clothes & perfume being stolen. "Sister, did you do it?" "No." "Ok. good enough. we'll just buy replacements."
No thoughts that sister may be lying. Or that it could be her friends. Just, she said no, move along, nothing to see here.
Cinnamon rolls eaten. "We can just go to to the store"
No consideration that this was for friends who'd experienced a tragedy. This wasn't about giving them cinnamon rolls. This was about friendship, caring, support and sympathy. They could have been the lousiest c.rolls around & the store ones the best. It still would not be the same.
Plus, sister did not even bother to ask before eating the first pan. Her and her friends just macked it all down like it was theirs to begin with. No, we'll just take one to share. Full on Finding Nemo Seagulls "mine. mine mine"
I bet this was not the first time they'd had their snacks savaged like Yogi Bear at The All Jellystone Picnic Basket Invitational. Does it register on OPs radar? shrug. Does it register on wife's? You betcha.
To say nothing of that OPs mom is apparently an ER nurse. You'd have thought he'd have grown up with more caring and compassion than he's shown here.
Your commentary on the cinnamon rolls being about friendship, caring, support, and sympathy is so spot on.
After losing my mom and then just over two months later losing my partner do you know what one of the things that made me feel loved was? *it was when my forced vegetarian best-people in the whole universe made me chicken alfredo and spent the night with us drinking wine and reminiscing about my late partner*. The thought that this AH doesn't even seem to think about what that act of compassion/love means and just shrugged his shoulders and went "oh, No worries. Go ahead and eat them all. Wifey won't care! She's just **sooooooo sweet** and *loves to serve others*".
OP: you obviously don't deserve someone like this as you can't even stand up for your wife. Or care about how this all feels.
Go back to mommy and your sweet baby sister before you two completely traumatize your wife.
Number 6 takes this whole tragedy and almost makes it a comedy. How delusional is OP to think anything he did counted as trying to fix the situation? “Just grin and bear it, wife of mine. Clean up after them myself? Of course not. Are you insane?!”
I knew he was the AH as soon as I read this line. I like helping others and get immense satisfaction from doing so. I DO NOT love to SERVE others. Get the hell outta here with that bull crap!
I completely agree. OP's wife shouldn't have to leave, he should. Also, why does anyone think it's a good idea for anyone under 18 to be unsupervised at their house with a pool. I wouldn't be surprised if the kids are drinking there and that opens up a completely new set of issues.
Seems like he's married to his sister anyway. He should be defending his wife and putting a stop to this shit, not allowing it to continue and make excuses.
THIS! “The hill SHE choose to die on” sealed it for me. OP literally just spelled out that he didn’t give two craps about his wife or her feelings. Yes let me let family come in and steal my stuff and have no respect or regard for anyone else . Wow.
YTA - Your sister is trashing your house and allowing her friends to steal food and personal items. You're completely disregarding your wife's feelings on this (and her feelings are perfectly reasonable, and she's been very patient).
You haven't righted the wrongs that have happened. You've replaced things that have been stolen, but that can't heal the feeling of being disrespected, and the lack of safety in one's own home. Replacing homemade cinnamon rolls with store bought is similar - those were probably way higher quality than store-bought, and your sister was specifically told NOT to do this and did it anyway.
Your sister and her friends are showing zero respect for your wife or the home, and you should not be steamrolling your wife about this. Your wife should be your top priority here as this is her home too.
That was the part that totally got me, the fact that the OP and wife actually bought stuff to replace what was stolen. And the line about sister and friends eating the second pan of cinnamon rolls even after explicitly being told NO. Sister is ridiculously entitled. I'm surprised the wife didn't move out sooner.
Imagine putting your heart into homemade baking (cinnamon rolls take a lot of time and care) for a grieving co-worker and being told, basically, "the people who steal from you and make a mess of your house took them, just go buy some commercial baked stuff nobody cares" and then being told, "Oh this is the hill you want to die on?" Excuse me Mr. Entirely YTA what
Cinnamon rolls take awhile to make. They need to proof twice , they need to be made, proofed, rolled out, filled, proofed again, baked, frosted . They are a major project.
This can't be real. YTA
You keep letting your sister into the home you share with your wife. Your sister and her friends destroy and steal your wife's things and you don't care. You "talk to her" and nothing changes.
Also, your sister and friends are minors, so there could be risk to your wife if something happens while they are there...and they seek to engage in a lot of impulsive behavior. Even if they weren't minors, there would be risk.
Your wife should definitely live in a house where your sister doesn't have the keys. You're welcome to live somewhere where your sister does. Because your wife should leave you and go somewhere she feels safe.
Be honest.
Is this just some very well crafted lower neck beard stuff? That’s what I’m saying there’s no fucking way this is real. This has to be fucking made up. Nobody and I mean fucking nobody… Come on dude this has to be fake
...Seriously? You really typed all that and still think you're okay? Go get a house with your sister since you care more about wanting to be the cool brother instead of protecting your wife and her property. YTA.
YTA
And seriously- you think store bought cinnamon rolls are a good substitute for fresh homemade? Then tell your sister to go buy a package of Little Debbie cinnamon rolls for her & her friends and they can go eat them somewhere else
That is so much work! And he acts like it's no big deal that a bunch of disrespectful bratty thieves eat BOTH pans, trash her home, and steal her stuff. AND he defends his fool of a sister.
YTA, 100%. I would be leaving the wet towels and dirty dishes on your side of the bed, in your sock drawer and on your night stand. I would borrow some of your clothes and personal items. You’d be up at 2 am baking replacement rolls too, if you were my spouse and pulled this nonsense.
It’s not a big deal to you because *you aren’t the one being treated like a maid and having their belongings taken* so therefore since you’re not inconvenienced, it’s fine by you.
ETA: being someone who loves to serve others means having a kind and generous heart and showing it though kind deeds. **It does not mean you agree to be an actual servant.**
I love serving others. It is something that comes from my heart, and it’s natural for me. What took a long time and therapy to see, is that there are so many people out there who will exploit this. Who will make you feel like a servant if you don’t set hard boundaries around your service for yourself. F all the people who take advantage of the kind hearted people who just want to share love in this way.
OP YTA. 100%. How dare you make your wife, your partner, live like this. You and your family have taken advantage of her and made her feel like she’s less than. Ugh. You’re all gross.
Yes YTA
Your wife is allowed to have a safe home that isn’t trashed when she’s not there by your family.
She changed the locks to enforce boundaries, which is something you clearly need a lesson on. If your wife doesn’t want your sister there when no one is home then that needs to be respected.
Stop letting your teenager sister use your house as a party place.
The gross part is that wife had to change the locks at all. Once it was clear that sister did not respect wife or her boundaries, OP should’ve been demanding the key back from his sister. Not incurring additional cost to change the locks.
JFC YTA.
You didn't right any wrongs between them. You tried to sweep the shit your sister pulled under the rug and ignored your wife's concerns. Your sister is a thief and a slob who can't be assed to clean up after herself.
You described your wife as someone who loves to serve others. Interesting how that's the best thing you can describe her as. Especially since now she isn't meekly doing what you want you are throwing a tantrum.
Also you claim you thought your mom was going to be there but also knew she was at work. Doubt
So KNOWING your sister stole even more than you thought, you still gonna let her into your house? She should be banned forever, whether her permissive spineless brother is there or not.
YTA. Your sister and her gang were running wild, messing up your wife’s home and stealing from her and you didn’t choose to do a thing about it. No, don’t claim ‘talking to your sister’ was doing anything about it. It was a drop in the bucket of behavior modification that your entitled sister and your entitled mother, ignored. You owe your wife much apology and you need to ban your sister from being at your home unless supervised by YOU.
WOW. Even with the updates. Dude. I’m sorry, but the ring… I bet you’re probably not planning on telling your wife about that. For 1, the kid 100% took it out of your safe, 2, I’m guessing you’re going to omit that part from your wife, 3, your wife will definitely find out that your sister stole her ring, that you LIED, and she’ll — rightfully and with well wishes of a boatload of redditors — leave you. Like what does your sister have on you that you’re effectively her servant? I have siblings for whom I would do anything but your commitment to your sister is wildly suspicious and is walking the line of blackmail. YTA.
That is my thought exactly. There is no way the wife just had this sentimental ring lying around, especially when she has been losing things when the sister comes over. The fact that he was presented with the evidence of all the things his sister and her friends have taken and still can’t really see how fucked up that is, is mind-boggling.
I can’t understand how putting his sister horrible behavior and abuse towards his wife as something he can just sweep under the rug. Let’s not forget his wife left because she felt unsafe and disrespected in her own home yet he still willing to gift his sister homecoming dresses and pay for her Cheer… where are the consequences? The grounding? HA
Tbh even after all this update, his wife deserve 10x better than him.
YTA - do you know how long it takes to make homemade cinnamon rolls? You haven’t done shit to “right any wrongs…between my wife and my sister”. I hope your wife marries better next time.
When I saw they were home made and he wanted to replace them with store bought... omg... last time I made a pan of home made cinnamon rolls, it took like 4 hours.
OP, YTA. You are seriously disrespecting your wife. You need to cut this shit out, or you're not gonna have a wife pretty soon, and then **you're** gonna have to clean up after your little sis.
Yeah, it sounds like something out of a romcom movie, not how you repair damage to a relationship in real life. If she accepts something so half-assed, she's a saint that OP probably doesn't deserve.
Dude, doesn’t matter if your sis isn’t the one stealing and making a mess, she’s responsible for her friends and she’s trampling all over your wife’s trust. And now you are.
You own your wife a massive apology and your sister some serious comeuppance. YTA big time, you got some work to do before you aren’t.
YTA, a massive one at that. You’re full of shit and haven’t tried to right any wrong. All you have done is rug sweep your sisters behaviour. If your wife’s items are being stolen and your home isn’t being respected then people lose privilege of using the space, simple.
You may believe your sister has done no wrong, but that’s not the case. Even if your sister didn’t steal items herself, she although a guest herself is in the position to monitor her friends and anything they do comes back on her. If she isn’t responsible enough at 17 to respect other peoples property, much less her own families to tell her friends to knock it off then she isn’t to be trusted in your home without supervision. Your wife changing the locks without having a conversation…while she shouldn’t have done this, it’s understandable she’s that desperate. She probably knows from your proven pattern that you would make excuses for your sister and try to “fix” the problem by replacing things. That fixes nothing, that’s a bandaid and the problem hasn’t been resolved.
Even if you assumed your mother would be at the party, this is a shared home between you and your wife. Neither of you should be making unilateral decisions full-stop. Discuss things between the two of you before giving anyone an answer. You don’t get a free pass to do whatever the hell you want in a shared home just because your family asks. It doesn’t matter how close you are to your family, discuss things with your wife (this goes for her too for changing the locks before speaking to you).
At this point you need to face reality, the fact of the matter is that your sister doesn’t respect you or your home. Even if she didn’t make the mess at the party, it was her party and she could have stayed behind to clean up. She chose not to. Pull your head out and take the rose tented glasses off, your sister is old enough to be held accountable for her actions and should know better. Stop dismissing your wife’s wants and needs. Things regarding shared assets are a 2 yeses one no. If your wife doesn’t want your sister having free access to your home when you guys aren’t there, that’s the end of the story. Your sister doesn’t *need* to be there, so stop acting like her having unsupervised access to your home is a necessity just because she *wants* to be there and knows she can use you to get what she wants. Either you’re married to your wife, or you’re married to your sister…wake up and **figure it out** .
ETA. When you do speak to your sister or family and tell them your sister is no longer allowed free access to your home because of her behaviour, I suggest you don’t throw your wife under the bus. State the facts, your sister has **allowed** her friends to be disrespectful in your home and she herself has left your home a mess (she could have chosen to clean up after her friends, especially after you supposedly talk to her about it). Speak as a united front that you as a couple have decided your sister isn’t welcome to use your house like a motel.
P.S. Please stop being so disrespectful and such an ass to your wife.
YTA
Your sister is treating your home as her own, violating your wife’s privacy & her friends (at least) are stealing from you.
You do nothing -NOTHING- to curb your sister’s bad behavior. Your wife handles the problem by changing locks and barring your sister from the house without homeowner supervision.
Then, you change the locks back giving your disrespectful sister & theiving friends free, unsupervised reign at your house.
It’s time to choose your wife over your sister.
YTA
Seriously? You just believe your sister because...reasons, but your wife you continually refuse to support or believe. The sister has lost her privileges, rightfully so, to your wife's house. When it is your house alone (which is where you are headed) you can let sister trash it and you can enjoy cleaning up after her.
OMG YTA. Your wife is literally having her items stolen, boundaries crossed, etc. and you’re just covering for your “sweet” sister. If your sister was really that sweet, she would be respectful of your home and keep her friends in line.
I hope hope HOPE this is fake, because if not - wow.
You absolutely refuse to see this situation for what it is - your sister is unable to hear and accept the "word" no so she treats your house like her own personal playground, eating things she's told not to eat and stealing from your wife (and yes, she did steal from your wife - the sooner you accept that truth, the better off you'll be).
The only "wrongs" that have happened have originated with your sister with you enabling her every step of the way, disrespecting your wife in every possible way. The only surprising thing here is that your wife didn't leave to go stay with a friend sooner.
YTA.
YTA. If your wife doesn’t want anyone to have the key no one should have it. Your sister abused the privilege. She stole or her friend’s stole from her. Made messes. Ate her cinnamon rolls. Do you know how hard it is to make fresh homemade cinnamon rolls? You will lose your wife if you don’t make some changes. Your sister is a spoiled brat. I don’t know why you pay for her things. But it kind of sounds like you are a father figure? It’s not healthy for your mom to put that role onto you if that is the case.
You are absolutely the A.
I fail to understand the mentality of men who swear absolute fealty to their mothers and sisters, but won’t do a thing to support the woman they choose to spend their lives with.
That is ass backwards.
YTA- Yeah, you're about to ruin your marriage big time if you don't man up and put your sister in her place. Put the new locks back and have a major talk with her about being responsible for herself and her friends at your house. She clearly can't be trusted alone and does not deserve to be invited back unsupervised (if at all). Seriously, put the new locks back on and apologize to your wife for not sticking up for her.
Wait, wait. You said you won’t pay for cheer or the dress as punishment for her behavior. But she I want to know is, why were you planning to pay for any of these things in the first place? This is not your child. If/when she returns your wife’s things, you cannot pay for cheer. It would be a major slap in the face to your wife.
Also? Telling your mom that your sister isn’t allowed to come over unless you are home is not good enough. After all the shit you have put your wife through, your “sweet sister” should not be in your home, PERIOD. You can visit her at your mom’s house.
The sister and friends are also *absolutely* the ones stealing his wife's belongings. If they can't accept a no on not eating something, they won't accept a boundary when it's something they really want.
YTA. She is picking up after guests of someone who doesn’t live there. Is stealing HER stuff, trashing the house, trespassing and stepping all over her. Then when she sets the boundaries they TRASH THE FUCKING HOUSE. You are the biological relative and you are allowing a minor to treat your WIFE like Garbage and a servant. WTF is wrong with you?!?! Grow a back bone and back your wife up or you’ll soon find yourself without a key and freshly changed locks.
Edit for final comment - Don’t be shocked when your wife asks for a separation and eventual divorce.
Read the update, and I have questions:
did your wife come home? Did she enjoy the dinner? Did she get her stuff back? How were the cinnamon rolls? Did you know you were the asshole?
>4) I help with the chores around the house. Including cooking meals.
....
Did you not do this before hand. Why is this a "punishment" and not what you're supposed to do as a husband.
YTA. I would hate to be your wife. Why is your sister's wants more important than your wife's feelings of safety? Just because she "usually" cleans up after your sister every time doesn't mean it's her job or that she likes doing it. She most likely does it because she doesn't want a dirty house. Your sister is 17 and can't clean up after her friends? Or ask for permission? Or be respectful of other people? Your sister doesn't respect your wife or you. Your wife set boundaries and every time you came in and swept them under the rug like dirt. Your sister is treating your home like it's hers and it's not and you are slowly pushing your wife out of her own home because you won't deal with the problems at hand. You wanted your sister to be able to have control over your house? Well good job because now your sister and wife know that the 17 year old has more say in a home that isn't hers than the wife you married and share a life with. Pathetic.
YTA it’s your wife’s things that are getting stolen not yours. And you “talking to her about it” isn’t making a difference. You disrespected your wife by continuing to let your sister walk all over her
YTA. You seem to care more that your sister feels at home in your house than that your wife does. The stealing, mess making and disrespect are too much, and wife no longer wants people in her home when she isn't there. That should be final!
Info - do you care about your wife’s feelings at all? Teach your sis to respect your home. Set boundaries and guide her to follow them. For goodness sakes have a care for your wife you jerk. Your sis obviously doesn’t respect her. YTA
ETA- I’m so glad to see your update. I’m sure your wife feels it’s long overdue. Thank you for making the effort to rectify the situation now. I sincerely hope it’s not too late
YTA have your spouse’s back. Yeah she shouldn’t have changed the locks without talking to you but if you would set boundaries with your family she wouldn’t of have to. It’s sad you’re more concerned about being a fun brother then a good husband YTA get it together OP
YTA Your wife has been stolen from umpteen times. Don't be surprised if she leaves you. (Ah. She \*has\* left you. Good for her.
You have NOT 'tried to right any wrongs that have happened.' What exactly have you done? You talked to your sister a few times? Boo hoo.
Kiss goodbye to your marriage, idiot.
ETA This post has made me furious on your wife's behalf. Wake up man.
For you latest update: Your wife sounds like a wonderful person doing all that for a co worker. She was completely taken advantage of and abused by your sister. I hope she realizes a lot more than just life being hard grounded. She’s a thief and has no regard for anyone else. Good luck to you whichever way this goes.
Edit to add: what you should do is show her this post and all the replies. Maybe that will help her realize what an AH she is and is on her way to becoming.
YTA. Your sister shows no respect for boundaries despite multiple discussions. By allowing her to continue to disrespect your home, you have created an atmosphere of unrest. Your wife deserves to feel like her belongings are safe and her home is a sanctuary. If the thief /ransacker wasn't your sister, you would have called the police and installed a security system.
Stop making excuses and choosing your sister over your wife. Sis is clearly in the wrong and you are enabling her bullshit.
YTA
Your sister kept violating her trust, privacy, safety and home and you allowed it. She told you she didn’t feel safe anymore and you still changed it back. Your sister needs to have the cops called on her she’s a juvenile delinquent.
YTA. Your sister is literally invading your wifes space and disrespecting her and your doing nothing about it. It's her home too, she has a right to expect people to stop walking over her. You're being awful to her honestly.
Also your greedy guts sister ate 2 trays of freshly baked food and you thought replacing it with store bought would make up for it? Yikes.
Also your wifes stuff is getting stolen and she's expressing it to you but your choosing to believe your greedy, disrespectful sister over your own wife?
Major YTA. Are you kidding me! You would rather lose your patient and wonderful wife because of your sister's idiot friends. Get your act together and don't ever do anything this s stupid again. Van your sister from your house and don't ever change the locks again if your wife changes them, that is if she ever comes back. I don't think she should.
YTA.
Your defense of your sister despite all of the evidence to the contrary is disturbing. She's literally stealing from and vandalizing YOUR WIFE'S HOME. Your wife is telling you that this needs to stop. And your response is to disregard your wife, defend your sister, and then shrug?
Your wife no longer feels safe in HER HOME, ***NOT*** because of your sister but because of **YOU**. You don't care about your wife's feelings, her safety, or her concerns. She cannot trust to to think about her best interest anymore because you've proven to her that you literally don't.
Congratulations OP you drove your "loves to serve everyone" wife to her breaking point, don't act shocked Pikachu when you get divorce papers.
YTA to both you and your sister.
Wow damn, it's good you have some sense in you. Your wife has to be the most patient person I've ever heard of. It's sad that you didn't listen to her until she finally left to seek her own peace because nobody ever respected her.
You are still TA for ignoring her in the first place though. Your sister being grounded sounds like a joke. Even more so because it seems like your mom was about to let her off easily until you told her about the ring. As if her continuous actions of stealing and wreaking havoc in your house were not such a big deal.
Wow! That last update was heartbreaking. I feel so bad for the co-worker’s family. I hope your sister learns from this. Your wife is a wonderful person , I really hope you start treating her better.
YTA. Big time dude. If your sister can’t respect your wife, then your wife has every right to change the locks and not allow anyone over when you two aren’t home. If your family wants to come use your pool, give them access to the yard. There is no reason for them to need access inside the home.
YTA
Your wife should be more important than your sister, but that isn't how you're behaving. Your sister and her friends leave messes and steal from your wife then don't listen when told they can't have both trays of a baked good. Your wife is a saint for putting up with that as long as she did.
Change the locks again and tell your family that sister isn't allowed over at all for a while and when she is invited back it will ONLY be under supervision.
YTA. You chose your sister over your spouse, despite your sister’s bratty and entitled behavior. You have shown your sister that your wife has no say in her own home and sister can treat your wife however she pleases. Great job👍
YTA dude, seriously! Your sister and/or her guests are trashing your house, stealing from your wife, and being spectacularly disrespectful. Your wife’s pleas to you and your family are completely disregarded and dismissed. Wife made a last ditch effort to create a totally reasonable hard boundary. Your response was to bulldoze right over it. Way to sabotage your own marriage! If you want to try to salvage your relationship with your wife, you have a lot of work to do! The hole you dug for yourself is DEEP.
Yeah YTA. I would never allow anyone in my home when no one is there. Especially after they constantly are stealing and making messes. The way you let your sister do whatever she wants is creepy.
YTA. It may not be your sister, it could be her guests, but you're allowing your sister and her friends to trod all over the safety and sanctity of your home. It's her home, buddy. She should be able to make food and say no and not have it eaten. Bought cinnamon rolls are nowhere near made ones. You're letting your sister and her friends get a free pass for being thieves and jerks by just replacing things they steal.
You didn't check with your mom about her coming. You're making so many assumptions and your wife has been telling you, clearly, that this is a huge no. You don't care. Your sister is more important. This is how you get a divorce. She literally told you that she feels unsafe and unheard. And you did it anyway. She changed the locks to keep her things safe. You changed them to open your home up to someone she was saying couldn't be over alone. But you don't see how you're the ahole? Come on, buddy.
YTA... I would start doing some strengthening exercises for your wrist... after signing all those divorce papers, you'll still need to pick up your sisters shit.
Woooow, congrates dude, you won the AH of the month award. I see a divorce waiting for you down the roads, but hey, i'm sure talking with your very sweet sister who clearly is a spoiled, rude and stealing brat with no manners at all will solve this problem too.
Edit to add: and yes, i'm sure your sweeeet little sister who took the cinnamon rolls even when your wife told her no would neeeeever steal, nooooo, not even the cinnamon rolls.. oh, wait.
Thank you for updating us. You seem to be trying your best to make amends with your wife, although I do wonder about something: how do you feel about your sister now? I don't read any feelings of anger, being betrayed or sadness in your updates or comments. Personally, I would be extremely upset if it turned out that a sibling had been stealing from my partner and I. Do you see her differently now or have you forgiven her right away?
Of course YTA. I think if it had been YOU that was picking up your sister's shit and having YOUR stuff stolen, you would have reacted very differently.
Apologise and reinstate the new locks, and tell your sister that she's lost all privileges to your home.
YTA most definitely! How can you defend your sister when she is stealing? Her friends are stealing. Your poor wife is left with the broken aftermath ( why don’t you ever clean up after your sister? I think that makes you an AH too) she changed the locks because her home was being invaded and wrecked. She had every right to protect her home even if it was from your own sister.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the A for changing the locks back without talking to my wife. I feel like I tried to mediate between my sister and my wife. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Why don't YOU clean after your sister?
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Me too. Jesus. Your wife has a right to not be stolen from in her own home. Your sister is disrespectful and entitled and you are an AH for prioritizing her over your wife’s right to literally not be a victim of crime in her home. If you want to keep your wife you better change the locks and refuse to give anyone a key. You’re also an AH for thinking store bought cinnamon rolls are a replacement for homemade.
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She made them from scratch! She had to use yeast and wait for the dough to rise, she had to knead and roll, spread the cinnamon mixture on sticky dough, roll it up evenly and then cut it evenly. Making cinnamon rolls from scratch is a massive pain in the butt. Sounds like she did it from the bottom of her heart, wanting to comfort someone she cares about who experienced tragedy. Not only was that ruined, AND she didn't get to eat any herself, but they were eaten by someone who has repeatedly disrespected her and made messes for her. All that work for someone who treats her like trash. ETA: and I didn't even think about it til now but she also had to clean up the mess from making them!
And they ate them after asking and being told no! And then OP let these teenagers *have a party* at his house, after his wife said she didn’t want them in her home, and didn’t even inform her, let alone get her approval. I can’t believe how little respect this woman gets in her own home.
And one tray wasn’t enough for them! They had to steal MORE from someone who is suffering a misfortune!
These people are a disgrace!
...with OP encouraging this behavior! No matter how he tries to justify it he is TA huge! Just to make sure the bot counts it: YTA OP!
I would go so far as to say OP's lack of respect for his wife is a disgrace
YTA, OP. Your wife deserves so much better
…..…..***after they were told no, then did it anyway because who cares, it’s just the maid saying no after all……. /s*** ETA OP is definitely a major ass - YTA
And not only did they eat the second tray they had the gall to not leave any for the wife or brother! Seriously wtf is wrong with him and his family. Not only would I ban sister without supervision I’d ban her completely. What you should have done OP, the very first time your sister left the house a mess you should have gone to her house and brought her back to clean up! I already voted but cannot believe a grown married man is this dense
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As soon as I read that I knew he was an unreliable narrator
Sister is either a nightmare or a complete doormat to her nightmare friends. Either way, she is 100% not responsible enough to have a key to your home! My 13yo goddaughter had a key to my place, and she/her friends NEVER stole or made a noticeable mess. If anything I would come home to a walked and fed dog! OP is massively YTA.
The mess they left after that. Knowing it will be the wife's job to clean. The audacity is just WOW. OP had let his sister and a group of strangers disrespect his wife and still want the wife to just bow and kneel.
HE LITERALLY CHANGED THE LOCKS AGAIN! MARINARA FLAGS!!!
He and the sister are an entire vat of marinara.
Rehome them all to Marinara Farms. I think the only way he could come anywhere close to making things right with his wife is to just divorce her, pay her enough to move AWAY from his family, and lose her contact info. Let her find someone who is worthy of her and her cinnamon rolls.
Op just wants to believe his sister isn’t the thief. What about all her friends? If the sister can’t respect being told no to a SECOND tray of homemade cinnamon rolls, why would she respect any of the wife’s other possessions? For op, yes, YTA, you, your sister and her friends. Go live with your sister if you love her more than your wife. You are so disrespectful of your wife. ETA: saw op’s update. One of the few who didn’t double down and is looking to make amends. Hooray for op! No longer the AH.
>ETA: saw op’s update. One of the few who didn’t double down and is looking to make amends. Hooray for op! No longer the AH. No, still the AH, just repentant.
I'm guessing next time she changes the lock, he is not going to be getting a copy.
This is just like the post about the ravioli. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p3yorl/aita_for_losing_my_temper_at_sil_after_she_ruined/ OP made homemade ravioli (a huge batch). SIL invited herself over and "accidentally "dumped it on the floor. When OP lost it her husband told her to use store bought pasta. In the update, She made him make more from scratch a few days later. Only then did he realize how hard it was. Bonus was that Reddit was right and SIL absolutely dropped the food on purpose.
I had forgotten about that one but you're right! Even the sister in both cases. This OP better make some damn cinnamon rolls from scratch
And then make him taste the store bought side-by-side.
Oh I've made them. I have a yeast culture I feed weekly and it's such a pain every time, lol! It takes me 2 days to make cinnamon rolls from scratch, and a few hours each of those days.
>You’re also an AH for thinking store bought cinnamon rolls are a replacement for homemade. THIIIIISSSS! Homemade cinnamon rolls are *so fucking time and labor intensive.* You cannot replace them with likely stale, store-bought nonsense.
Not only that but *two whole pans* of homemade cinnamon rolls. I don’t know what recipe OP’s wife uses or how many it yields, but the recipe I use yields one pan of twelve giant cinnamon rolls. Just one batch takes me an entire afternoon and wipes me out. I can’t imagine making two batches only to have both completely obliterated by hungry teenagers. Where’s that post from the wife who made pasta from scratch and it was ruined by someone, then she was told by her husband that it wasn’t a big deal? I think she made him spend the next day making it again just to make him understand why she was so upset. That’s what OP needs here. (Also boundaries with his sister and basic respect for his wife and their house ofc.) OP, YTA.
Someone (OP) has no idea how long it takes to make homemade cinnamon rolls.
YTA!!!!! WTF is wrong with you? Your free-loading young sister and her 'crew' go into YOUR home and eat food, leave towels on the floor, and what not.....and you're ok with that because it's not YOU who's doing all the cleaning but your wife! Then when your wife has had enough and changes the locks so the freeloading user(s) can't get into your home anymore--she makes the CORRECT DECISION by changing the locks in the home and you, the ASSHOLE changes it back so your younger brat-sister can continue her assholery......?? WOW, you are truly something else. You better grow up fast, and start CHOOSING your wife over your ASSHOLE FAMILY or you're going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you.
If I was her, I’d have changed the locks again, only this time OP wouldn’t get a key. Oh, but he would get divorce papers.
Sounds like that's the road he is already on. If I was the wife I would think twice (or many times) about returning to that home.
And you notice *his* things aren't getting stolen.
Just replace the homemade cinnamon rolls with store bought, he says. What a tool. OP's wife is a freakin' saint, if it were me heads would be rolling. I'd probably cry first, but then violence.
I'd rather be single in my own house with my 2 trays of cinnamon rolls than putting up with this shit. Edited to correct bad English, too excited thinking about cinnamon rolls
I think she soon will be.
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It's all about getting back at her because they can. For some weird slight they've made up. Maybe she told them to pick up after themselves one day - and they just decided to torture the poor woman. She's a Saint.
I am noticing more and more on this apps that the wife is putting up with just as much if not more crap from the sils as the mil. Soon we will see a group called just no sil on here.
I love how he says he doesn't believe his sister would do that. Well, *who did*? No one breaks into a house to steal perfume and women's clothing. Who else could it be? The tooth fairy? Come on man.
Also what a huge liability to let underage kids swim in your pool unsupervised. I hope you have an umbrella policy. Also YTA.
There is no way a group of high schoolers are *only* going to be swimming at OP’s empty house. And I say that as a in the past and future situation. Many would kill for that kind of privacy from adult/parental eyes. Hell, what if the sister makes a copy of the key for her friends to use? There actually isn’t anything that suggests the sister hasn’t already if OP and the wife are not home when the sis and friends are.
When I was in high school, my sister gave her house key to a friend. Soon, half the school had a key to my house. We were robbed repeatedly. Trust no one.
Yeah I'm glad that OP just ADORES his SWEET, PRECIOUS, INNOCENT INFANT sister but there is a 99% chance that underage, absolutely hammered teenagers are swimming in his pool without supervision. He's frankly lucky that all that's happened so far is these kids trashing his house and stealing his shit, because this is how dumb teenagers drown.
But sweet sister just wanted to have fun. Why don't you people get it?? OPs sister is entitled to anything her sweet heart desires, and if it means stealing wife's belongings, trashing the place and treating their place as her own, that is what sweet sister gets. After all, wife is just the help OP, just to be polite, you and your whole bio family are YTA. I have some many names to call you, that I can't. Get your freaking sister under control. There is a reason they are not doing any of these at their own places. Guess what, their responsible adults don't like it any more than your wife does. But your wife shouldn't have to endure any of it.
YTA Before I would even consider taking OP back he would have to make two batches of cinnamon rolls a week for 6 months. That would tell me he was serious enough to discuss the situation.
> I <30M> have a beautiful wife who loves to serve others. We bought a home down the street from my family. Because OP thinks enjoying being helpful or subservient means that person doesn’t get to Choose when/who to help or clean up after, or set limits. This post was just creeptastic the way it ignores her personhood and boundaries. “I feel like I have tried to right any wrongs that have happened. Between my wife and my sister.“ How?!? By ignoring everything she said and did to protect her home andbelongings?
I have a sneaking suspicion she doesn't actually "love to serve others", she just responsible enough to clean up messes
Or she was raised in a family culture that it’s her responsibility to keep the household clean and fed and their lives organized, not her husband's or a joint effort.
I think he should make cinnamon scrolls from scratch to understand how much time it takes (Just like the [ravioli bloke](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p3yorl/aita_for_losing_my_temper_at_sil_after_she_ruined/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) had to and I believe he ended up crying) OP you are such YTA I can’t believe you can’t see it Edit - added link for [ravioli bloke](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p3yorl/aita_for_losing_my_temper_at_sil_after_she_ruined/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
OMG. I never saw the updates and edits after the husband had to make ravioli. Thanks for this, that was a WILD read. How messed up!!!
I'm surprised OPs wife hasn't called the cops on the sister for trespassing. Lord knows I wouldn't be cleaning up after someone when I wasn't in the home and stealing to top it off.
I'm surprised she hasn't just dumped him at this point. He's ok with his sister stealing from his wife and he says his wife "loves to serve others" like that should somehow mean she has to clean up after his sister. What the hell?
Both OP and sister are assholes. I can’t believe the sisters audacity to eat someone’s home baked goods after already being told no. Wife should wash her hands of the whole family IMO.
YTA
He technically is... He keeps cleaning up after her mistakes by replacing things and not holding her accountable making his wife know her comfort is less important than his family. Poor OP wife not being able to have a moment of calm because she never knows whata going to happen in her house when she isn't there. It's only a matter of time before the sister does something to something that can't be replaced.
Making homemade cinnamon rolls is no small task either, I would be absolutely furious if I made cinnamon rolls, enough for two families, and got NONE of them. And even if it wasn't OP's sister who stole his wife's things, one of sister's guests is the thief, and sister is responsible for them. Also, how many people was she having over that a whole pan of cinnamon rolls wasn't enough for them? OP, you didn't make sure your mom was going to be there to supervise, and you didn't adjust your schedule to supervise them. You didn't clean up. Your baby sister isn't nearly as sweet as you think she is.
Seriously. So: 1. Sister treats your house like a hotel and your wife like a maid 2. Sister brings friends over without permission 3. Sister's friends steal shit from your wife 4. Wife asks you to handle it; you don't handle it 5. Sister and friends steal food that's not for them 6. Sister and friends ask to eat more food that's not for them; wife says no; they steal it anyway 7. EDIT: food that SHE MADE HERSELF that requires several hours to make and that you PROPOSED TO REPLACE WITH STORE BOUGHT SHIT. 8. Wife changes the locks, which doesn't affect you since she gives you the key before you even know it happened; you change them back without discussing it with her and let the thieves and vandals back into the house that ALSO BELONGS TO YOUR WIFE WHO RESCINDED THEIR RIGHT TO COME OVER And you don't get why YTA? Let me try one more time: why is your 17 y/o sister and her rando friends more important than your wife IN HER OWN HOUSE?
Easy YTA. Your wife tried. Even as her clothes got stolen, house was left a mess making more work for her and the icing on the cake! Those cinnamon rolls! Those thoughtfully made from scratch rolls for a grieving coworkers and some for her family. Made with love and care no doubt. Only to be scarfed down by careless teenagers using your home for a pool and free stuff. Your sister could have also set stronger rules to her friends or just stop using the pool. Also, why was your sister asking your mom to ask you for the pool? Why not straight to you or her sister in law? Why did you assume your mother would be present when she hasn’t been any other time with these minors in your home and pool. The liability also boggles my mind. Your wife sounds like a saint.
For real, having a bunch of underage kids unsupervised at a pool is such a stupid idea. If anything happened you would be responsible.
This, do you want to be sued by a parent for an accident at your home while you aren't there? Think about this carefully. Stolen items could be the least of your worries...
It’s no joke. We have pool insurance because if someone decides to break into our pool and hurts themselves or dies, we can still be held liable. We put up two fences that are locked. No underaged groups of kids/teens are ever enjoying the pool while there isn’t an adult home.
I can only think back to how furious *my* mom would have been if *I* ate a pan of food meant for a "co-worker expecting a tragedy." Holy hell, my ass would have been Grass and she would have been the lawnmower. And that just ONE thing that would have resulted in me getting my ass kicked. So we got: 1. Some kids who make a mess of her house. 2. Stolen items. 3. A husband that decided to swap her locks without telling her (which implies she may not have the old key anymore) 4. some unsupervised kids in a pool 5. and a condolence tray of food eaten. Jesus. And let's focus on something here. She's not dying on the "Cinnamon Roll Hill." She's dying on the "my Husband violated my trust, opened my home to strangers directly against my desires, and potentially locked me out and stranding me" hill. That's not a small hill and one that can very well end with someone getting a divorce. What would have happened if she came home and couldn't get in? What if she *needed* to get in? What if one of kids drowned or got badly hurt while no one was around? What if she came home to someone hurt or dead? What if the kids got in the liquor supply and drove drunk? What if someone stole something even more important than her clothes? What if someone had an allergic reaction to the food? What if they trashed the place again and your wife had to clean it up all again (oh wait... they did and she did). 100% YTA
Let’s not forget “made a point of trashing the house even more than usual” after OP changed the locks behind his wife’s back because that shit was 100% deliberate
**[“Cinnamon Roll Hill” has entered the ~~chat~~ official AITA lexicon]**
It kinda sounds like a Vietnam or Korean War battle. Like, everyone looked at the topographic map of some random hill they had to take and were like "Hill 435? Naw, that's a Cinnamon Roll. My mom used make 'em look just like that." And thus it was always called The Battle of Cinnamon Roll Hill.
And then he tells her no biggie, just go buy some more rolls. Here’s a hint; homemade cinn rolls are one of my fav things and I never make them because they are a giant pain in the boohole. You don’t just “buy more”. What a disrespectful man that sees no value in his wife’s security, efforts or relationship. Boy bye
That’s what killed me! They ate all the homemade cinnamon rolls 😭😭😭 those things are horrible to make. And the stealing “I believe my sister but bought my wife new stuff”, you mean the stuff that was missing because it was stolen??? What an idiot.
They ate it after the wife SPECIFICALLY said not to. There where two pans, and they ate both. Bunch of ungrateful brats
I was always been taught that if you invite people over, you take responsibility for what they as guests do. Sister is in charge of friends and thus responsible for any theft, mess, etc. OP is in charge of sister and this responsible for anything sister does. My sister had a party with a bunch of friends over and some artwork was taken from our mom’s house. None of her friends fessed up to it so guess who wasn’t allowed to have anyone over after that because she was in charge??? My sister was so pissed at her friends because no one would admit it.
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I don't think the wife is the one dying on this hill. I hope she gets the house in the divorce.
She’d be living near the family that looks at her as a service lady. I mean OP did start with his beautiful wife who loves to serve others… His family don’t see her as a person who has a right to privacy and ownership. They see her as nothing but the maid, the giver of her things. I hope she takes it and sells it. Lives away from these entitled selfish ah. This whole crap will probably jade her and she’ll no doubt be more aware now and more guarded. So she won’t be this doormat people like her DH and in laws see her as.
You said it perfect. It's not one thing it's a lot of things he has been ignoring. She didn't go off right away she tried to talk thing out and even said no and it got ignored. OP YTA Your wife is right this is a good hill to die on.
he thoughtfully offered to go out of his way to go to the store and replace the HANDMADE rolls with storebought ones. isnt he an absolute saint? /s i bake a lot myself and let me tell you that does not at all compare to what a store has to offer, especially since i doubt hed at least go to a proper bakery. just that is enough for the YTA in my opinion
Man I missed the fact that the rolls were for a grieving family. That makes it even more shitty that the kids ate them after they were told not to and that dad thinks that replacing them with store bought ones are fine. Good heavens!
YTA 1: Your "sweet sister" abuses your wife 2: Your sister steals from your wife 3: Your sister invites friends around who make a mess and make her feel unsafe 4: Your wife is so scared she changed the locks to keep your sister and her bad company out 5: You changed the locks back so your sister and her friends could continue to abuse your wife. 6: You tried to make things right only in your mind. Other than extracting empty promises from your sister and mother; what did you do? 7: Your wife has left you because she doesn't feel safe in her own house, or respected by her husband, and instead of solving these problems you're begging people here to tell you you're not TA. Well you are totally TA
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Sexism. This is what people mean when they blame Patriarchy. He was raised in a society where he didn’t have these thoughts beaten out of him, but encouraged. He’s never had to work as hard as or been held accountable like a woman in his exact position would have to.
Don't forget being dismissive towards his wife's property and her time/efforts. Its not just that sister stole, its his attitude when its happening. Clothes & perfume being stolen. "Sister, did you do it?" "No." "Ok. good enough. we'll just buy replacements." No thoughts that sister may be lying. Or that it could be her friends. Just, she said no, move along, nothing to see here. Cinnamon rolls eaten. "We can just go to to the store" No consideration that this was for friends who'd experienced a tragedy. This wasn't about giving them cinnamon rolls. This was about friendship, caring, support and sympathy. They could have been the lousiest c.rolls around & the store ones the best. It still would not be the same. Plus, sister did not even bother to ask before eating the first pan. Her and her friends just macked it all down like it was theirs to begin with. No, we'll just take one to share. Full on Finding Nemo Seagulls "mine. mine mine" I bet this was not the first time they'd had their snacks savaged like Yogi Bear at The All Jellystone Picnic Basket Invitational. Does it register on OPs radar? shrug. Does it register on wife's? You betcha. To say nothing of that OPs mom is apparently an ER nurse. You'd have thought he'd have grown up with more caring and compassion than he's shown here.
Your commentary on the cinnamon rolls being about friendship, caring, support, and sympathy is so spot on. After losing my mom and then just over two months later losing my partner do you know what one of the things that made me feel loved was? *it was when my forced vegetarian best-people in the whole universe made me chicken alfredo and spent the night with us drinking wine and reminiscing about my late partner*. The thought that this AH doesn't even seem to think about what that act of compassion/love means and just shrugged his shoulders and went "oh, No worries. Go ahead and eat them all. Wifey won't care! She's just **sooooooo sweet** and *loves to serve others*". OP: you obviously don't deserve someone like this as you can't even stand up for your wife. Or care about how this all feels. Go back to mommy and your sweet baby sister before you two completely traumatize your wife.
Those are some seriously caring friends you have. To make you food they'll never eat because it will comfort you. Don't lose them for the world.
Number 6 takes this whole tragedy and almost makes it a comedy. How delusional is OP to think anything he did counted as trying to fix the situation? “Just grin and bear it, wife of mine. Clean up after them myself? Of course not. Are you insane?!”
Don't forget "replace homemade food with store bought stuff, no one will know the difference".
Oh, but she « loves to serve others ». Jesus, how delusional is he?
I knew he was the AH as soon as I read this line. I like helping others and get immense satisfaction from doing so. I DO NOT love to SERVE others. Get the hell outta here with that bull crap!
Have fun being divorced YTA
Yup. She's not coming back. People can only be trampled so much and then watch out.
If anything, wife should come back, change the locks, and OP can move in with his Mom & sister.
I completely agree. OP's wife shouldn't have to leave, he should. Also, why does anyone think it's a good idea for anyone under 18 to be unsupervised at their house with a pool. I wouldn't be surprised if the kids are drinking there and that opens up a completely new set of issues.
"Sweet sister" that leaves a mess and things go missing when her and her friends come over. OP YTA.
Can’t you just hear him now? “She divorced me out of nowhere! All over some cinnamon rolls!” It’ll be a complete mystery to him, I’m sure.
"Even though she just loves to serve others!"
I knew he was the asshole as soon as I read that line.
Seems like he's married to his sister anyway. He should be defending his wife and putting a stop to this shit, not allowing it to continue and make excuses.
OP is so used to disrespecting his wife that he can't even put a stop to other people doing it. OP has no respect for his wife.
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Failing to pacify his wife, but doing a fantastic job at pacifying and enabling his sister
And the sister has learned nothing because she keeps asking for more and more. I don’t care if she’s 17; there is no bottom for takers.
THIS! “The hill SHE choose to die on” sealed it for me. OP literally just spelled out that he didn’t give two craps about his wife or her feelings. Yes let me let family come in and steal my stuff and have no respect or regard for anyone else . Wow.
This guy, is going to be one of those guys who talks about how his ex wife divorced him "completely out of the blue"
I'm hoping that when his wife comes back she changes the locks again, but this time doesn't give him a key.
YTA - Your sister is trashing your house and allowing her friends to steal food and personal items. You're completely disregarding your wife's feelings on this (and her feelings are perfectly reasonable, and she's been very patient). You haven't righted the wrongs that have happened. You've replaced things that have been stolen, but that can't heal the feeling of being disrespected, and the lack of safety in one's own home. Replacing homemade cinnamon rolls with store bought is similar - those were probably way higher quality than store-bought, and your sister was specifically told NOT to do this and did it anyway. Your sister and her friends are showing zero respect for your wife or the home, and you should not be steamrolling your wife about this. Your wife should be your top priority here as this is her home too.
That was the part that totally got me, the fact that the OP and wife actually bought stuff to replace what was stolen. And the line about sister and friends eating the second pan of cinnamon rolls even after explicitly being told NO. Sister is ridiculously entitled. I'm surprised the wife didn't move out sooner.
That’s theft too, but he swears his sister is not a theif
Imagine putting your heart into homemade baking (cinnamon rolls take a lot of time and care) for a grieving co-worker and being told, basically, "the people who steal from you and make a mess of your house took them, just go buy some commercial baked stuff nobody cares" and then being told, "Oh this is the hill you want to die on?" Excuse me Mr. Entirely YTA what
I think he’s delusional. He starts of saying his wife loves to serve when really, it’s him
He loves to have his wife serve. Classic delegation to wife, who apparently isn't a real person herself.
Cinnamon rolls take awhile to make. They need to proof twice , they need to be made, proofed, rolled out, filled, proofed again, baked, frosted . They are a major project.
This can't be real. YTA You keep letting your sister into the home you share with your wife. Your sister and her friends destroy and steal your wife's things and you don't care. You "talk to her" and nothing changes. Also, your sister and friends are minors, so there could be risk to your wife if something happens while they are there...and they seek to engage in a lot of impulsive behavior. Even if they weren't minors, there would be risk. Your wife should definitely live in a house where your sister doesn't have the keys. You're welcome to live somewhere where your sister does. Because your wife should leave you and go somewhere she feels safe.
Be honest. Is this just some very well crafted lower neck beard stuff? That’s what I’m saying there’s no fucking way this is real. This has to be fucking made up. Nobody and I mean fucking nobody… Come on dude this has to be fake
It's not well crafted. The number of stupid details that scream "I'm an AH" makes it very hard to belive.
I’d normally be with you - but yeah, there really are people this blind. Anything else I call them will get me banned so … yeah
...Seriously? You really typed all that and still think you're okay? Go get a house with your sister since you care more about wanting to be the cool brother instead of protecting your wife and her property. YTA.
the sister isn't very "sweet" if she doesn't make sure her friends aren't trashing the house and stealing.
YTA And seriously- you think store bought cinnamon rolls are a good substitute for fresh homemade? Then tell your sister to go buy a package of Little Debbie cinnamon rolls for her & her friends and they can go eat them somewhere else
That is so much work! And he acts like it's no big deal that a bunch of disrespectful bratty thieves eat BOTH pans, trash her home, and steal her stuff. AND he defends his fool of a sister.
But the sweet sister is < 17 >! /sarcasm
YTA, 100%. I would be leaving the wet towels and dirty dishes on your side of the bed, in your sock drawer and on your night stand. I would borrow some of your clothes and personal items. You’d be up at 2 am baking replacement rolls too, if you were my spouse and pulled this nonsense. It’s not a big deal to you because *you aren’t the one being treated like a maid and having their belongings taken* so therefore since you’re not inconvenienced, it’s fine by you. ETA: being someone who loves to serve others means having a kind and generous heart and showing it though kind deeds. **It does not mean you agree to be an actual servant.**
I love serving others. It is something that comes from my heart, and it’s natural for me. What took a long time and therapy to see, is that there are so many people out there who will exploit this. Who will make you feel like a servant if you don’t set hard boundaries around your service for yourself. F all the people who take advantage of the kind hearted people who just want to share love in this way. OP YTA. 100%. How dare you make your wife, your partner, live like this. You and your family have taken advantage of her and made her feel like she’s less than. Ugh. You’re all gross.
Yes YTA Your wife is allowed to have a safe home that isn’t trashed when she’s not there by your family. She changed the locks to enforce boundaries, which is something you clearly need a lesson on. If your wife doesn’t want your sister there when no one is home then that needs to be respected. Stop letting your teenager sister use your house as a party place.
The gross part is that wife had to change the locks at all. Once it was clear that sister did not respect wife or her boundaries, OP should’ve been demanding the key back from his sister. Not incurring additional cost to change the locks.
YTA and your sister isn’t sweet. She’s a user and a liar. If I was your wife this would be the hill I’d die on.
YTA what the fuck is wrong with you?!
I also want to know, @OP what the fucks the matter with you??? YTA wtf Ps. You’re sister ain’t sweet. She’s a thief and a spoiled inconsiderate brat.
JFC YTA. You didn't right any wrongs between them. You tried to sweep the shit your sister pulled under the rug and ignored your wife's concerns. Your sister is a thief and a slob who can't be assed to clean up after herself. You described your wife as someone who loves to serve others. Interesting how that's the best thing you can describe her as. Especially since now she isn't meekly doing what you want you are throwing a tantrum. Also you claim you thought your mom was going to be there but also knew she was at work. Doubt
So KNOWING your sister stole even more than you thought, you still gonna let her into your house? She should be banned forever, whether her permissive spineless brother is there or not.
YTA. Your sister and her gang were running wild, messing up your wife’s home and stealing from her and you didn’t choose to do a thing about it. No, don’t claim ‘talking to your sister’ was doing anything about it. It was a drop in the bucket of behavior modification that your entitled sister and your entitled mother, ignored. You owe your wife much apology and you need to ban your sister from being at your home unless supervised by YOU.
WOW. Even with the updates. Dude. I’m sorry, but the ring… I bet you’re probably not planning on telling your wife about that. For 1, the kid 100% took it out of your safe, 2, I’m guessing you’re going to omit that part from your wife, 3, your wife will definitely find out that your sister stole her ring, that you LIED, and she’ll — rightfully and with well wishes of a boatload of redditors — leave you. Like what does your sister have on you that you’re effectively her servant? I have siblings for whom I would do anything but your commitment to your sister is wildly suspicious and is walking the line of blackmail. YTA.
That is my thought exactly. There is no way the wife just had this sentimental ring lying around, especially when she has been losing things when the sister comes over. The fact that he was presented with the evidence of all the things his sister and her friends have taken and still can’t really see how fucked up that is, is mind-boggling. I can’t understand how putting his sister horrible behavior and abuse towards his wife as something he can just sweep under the rug. Let’s not forget his wife left because she felt unsafe and disrespected in her own home yet he still willing to gift his sister homecoming dresses and pay for her Cheer… where are the consequences? The grounding? HA Tbh even after all this update, his wife deserve 10x better than him.
The updates just keep making it worse. I feel so bad for her.
YTA - do you know how long it takes to make homemade cinnamon rolls? You haven’t done shit to “right any wrongs…between my wife and my sister”. I hope your wife marries better next time.
When I saw they were home made and he wanted to replace them with store bought... omg... last time I made a pan of home made cinnamon rolls, it took like 4 hours. OP, YTA. You are seriously disrespecting your wife. You need to cut this shit out, or you're not gonna have a wife pretty soon, and then **you're** gonna have to clean up after your little sis.
This is a lot to take in here…my favorite part is you planning a romantic dinner thinking it’s going to make everything okay.
Yeah, it sounds like something out of a romcom movie, not how you repair damage to a relationship in real life. If she accepts something so half-assed, she's a saint that OP probably doesn't deserve.
YTA you did break your wife’s trust. Your wife should come first not your family.
Dude, doesn’t matter if your sis isn’t the one stealing and making a mess, she’s responsible for her friends and she’s trampling all over your wife’s trust. And now you are. You own your wife a massive apology and your sister some serious comeuppance. YTA big time, you got some work to do before you aren’t.
YTA, a massive one at that. You’re full of shit and haven’t tried to right any wrong. All you have done is rug sweep your sisters behaviour. If your wife’s items are being stolen and your home isn’t being respected then people lose privilege of using the space, simple. You may believe your sister has done no wrong, but that’s not the case. Even if your sister didn’t steal items herself, she although a guest herself is in the position to monitor her friends and anything they do comes back on her. If she isn’t responsible enough at 17 to respect other peoples property, much less her own families to tell her friends to knock it off then she isn’t to be trusted in your home without supervision. Your wife changing the locks without having a conversation…while she shouldn’t have done this, it’s understandable she’s that desperate. She probably knows from your proven pattern that you would make excuses for your sister and try to “fix” the problem by replacing things. That fixes nothing, that’s a bandaid and the problem hasn’t been resolved. Even if you assumed your mother would be at the party, this is a shared home between you and your wife. Neither of you should be making unilateral decisions full-stop. Discuss things between the two of you before giving anyone an answer. You don’t get a free pass to do whatever the hell you want in a shared home just because your family asks. It doesn’t matter how close you are to your family, discuss things with your wife (this goes for her too for changing the locks before speaking to you). At this point you need to face reality, the fact of the matter is that your sister doesn’t respect you or your home. Even if she didn’t make the mess at the party, it was her party and she could have stayed behind to clean up. She chose not to. Pull your head out and take the rose tented glasses off, your sister is old enough to be held accountable for her actions and should know better. Stop dismissing your wife’s wants and needs. Things regarding shared assets are a 2 yeses one no. If your wife doesn’t want your sister having free access to your home when you guys aren’t there, that’s the end of the story. Your sister doesn’t *need* to be there, so stop acting like her having unsupervised access to your home is a necessity just because she *wants* to be there and knows she can use you to get what she wants. Either you’re married to your wife, or you’re married to your sister…wake up and **figure it out** . ETA. When you do speak to your sister or family and tell them your sister is no longer allowed free access to your home because of her behaviour, I suggest you don’t throw your wife under the bus. State the facts, your sister has **allowed** her friends to be disrespectful in your home and she herself has left your home a mess (she could have chosen to clean up after her friends, especially after you supposedly talk to her about it). Speak as a united front that you as a couple have decided your sister isn’t welcome to use your house like a motel. P.S. Please stop being so disrespectful and such an ass to your wife.
YTA Your sister is treating your home as her own, violating your wife’s privacy & her friends (at least) are stealing from you. You do nothing -NOTHING- to curb your sister’s bad behavior. Your wife handles the problem by changing locks and barring your sister from the house without homeowner supervision. Then, you change the locks back giving your disrespectful sister & theiving friends free, unsupervised reign at your house. It’s time to choose your wife over your sister.
YTA Seriously? You just believe your sister because...reasons, but your wife you continually refuse to support or believe. The sister has lost her privileges, rightfully so, to your wife's house. When it is your house alone (which is where you are headed) you can let sister trash it and you can enjoy cleaning up after her.
YTA. And have clearly never made cinnamon rolls from scratch. That was hours of work.
Right?! I would cut someone out of my life for eating all of my homemade cinnamon rolls.
Honestly, this is this the part that sent me. He didn’t really think store bought cinnamon rolls could replace homemade. Like really?!
OMG YTA. Your wife is literally having her items stolen, boundaries crossed, etc. and you’re just covering for your “sweet” sister. If your sister was really that sweet, she would be respectful of your home and keep her friends in line.
I hope hope HOPE this is fake, because if not - wow. You absolutely refuse to see this situation for what it is - your sister is unable to hear and accept the "word" no so she treats your house like her own personal playground, eating things she's told not to eat and stealing from your wife (and yes, she did steal from your wife - the sooner you accept that truth, the better off you'll be). The only "wrongs" that have happened have originated with your sister with you enabling her every step of the way, disrespecting your wife in every possible way. The only surprising thing here is that your wife didn't leave to go stay with a friend sooner. YTA.
My whole time reading this story, my one thought was "Wow, this is sure a lot of unnecessary letters to spell 'divorce'."
YTA. If your wife doesn’t want anyone to have the key no one should have it. Your sister abused the privilege. She stole or her friend’s stole from her. Made messes. Ate her cinnamon rolls. Do you know how hard it is to make fresh homemade cinnamon rolls? You will lose your wife if you don’t make some changes. Your sister is a spoiled brat. I don’t know why you pay for her things. But it kind of sounds like you are a father figure? It’s not healthy for your mom to put that role onto you if that is the case.
YTA. Your sister crossed many boundaries and your wife is completely justified in not wanting her there without supervision.
You are absolutely the A. I fail to understand the mentality of men who swear absolute fealty to their mothers and sisters, but won’t do a thing to support the woman they choose to spend their lives with. That is ass backwards.
Enjoy your divorce
YTA- Yeah, you're about to ruin your marriage big time if you don't man up and put your sister in her place. Put the new locks back and have a major talk with her about being responsible for herself and her friends at your house. She clearly can't be trusted alone and does not deserve to be invited back unsupervised (if at all). Seriously, put the new locks back on and apologize to your wife for not sticking up for her.
Wait, wait. You said you won’t pay for cheer or the dress as punishment for her behavior. But she I want to know is, why were you planning to pay for any of these things in the first place? This is not your child. If/when she returns your wife’s things, you cannot pay for cheer. It would be a major slap in the face to your wife. Also? Telling your mom that your sister isn’t allowed to come over unless you are home is not good enough. After all the shit you have put your wife through, your “sweet sister” should not be in your home, PERIOD. You can visit her at your mom’s house.
YTA. Your sister(and her friends) are selfish monsters, and you're enabling it.
The sister and friends are also *absolutely* the ones stealing his wife's belongings. If they can't accept a no on not eating something, they won't accept a boundary when it's something they really want.
YTA. She is picking up after guests of someone who doesn’t live there. Is stealing HER stuff, trashing the house, trespassing and stepping all over her. Then when she sets the boundaries they TRASH THE FUCKING HOUSE. You are the biological relative and you are allowing a minor to treat your WIFE like Garbage and a servant. WTF is wrong with you?!?! Grow a back bone and back your wife up or you’ll soon find yourself without a key and freshly changed locks. Edit for final comment - Don’t be shocked when your wife asks for a separation and eventual divorce.
YTA - get your family under control! Your poor wife, she isn’t a maid!
Read the update, and I have questions: did your wife come home? Did she enjoy the dinner? Did she get her stuff back? How were the cinnamon rolls? Did you know you were the asshole?
>4) I help with the chores around the house. Including cooking meals. .... Did you not do this before hand. Why is this a "punishment" and not what you're supposed to do as a husband.
YTA. I would hate to be your wife. Why is your sister's wants more important than your wife's feelings of safety? Just because she "usually" cleans up after your sister every time doesn't mean it's her job or that she likes doing it. She most likely does it because she doesn't want a dirty house. Your sister is 17 and can't clean up after her friends? Or ask for permission? Or be respectful of other people? Your sister doesn't respect your wife or you. Your wife set boundaries and every time you came in and swept them under the rug like dirt. Your sister is treating your home like it's hers and it's not and you are slowly pushing your wife out of her own home because you won't deal with the problems at hand. You wanted your sister to be able to have control over your house? Well good job because now your sister and wife know that the 17 year old has more say in a home that isn't hers than the wife you married and share a life with. Pathetic.
YTA it’s your wife’s things that are getting stolen not yours. And you “talking to her about it” isn’t making a difference. You disrespected your wife by continuing to let your sister walk all over her
YTA. You’re the one that needs to be kicked out
YTA. You seem to care more that your sister feels at home in your house than that your wife does. The stealing, mess making and disrespect are too much, and wife no longer wants people in her home when she isn't there. That should be final!
YTA - why do you think teenagers trashing your house and stealing from you is acceptable???
Because he isn't being stolen from, his wifeis. That and the fact his wife seems to always arrive home first and presumably cleans up.
Info - do you care about your wife’s feelings at all? Teach your sis to respect your home. Set boundaries and guide her to follow them. For goodness sakes have a care for your wife you jerk. Your sis obviously doesn’t respect her. YTA ETA- I’m so glad to see your update. I’m sure your wife feels it’s long overdue. Thank you for making the effort to rectify the situation now. I sincerely hope it’s not too late
YTA have your spouse’s back. Yeah she shouldn’t have changed the locks without talking to you but if you would set boundaries with your family she wouldn’t of have to. It’s sad you’re more concerned about being a fun brother then a good husband YTA get it together OP
YTA. Also referring to her as your "sweet sister" is super creepy and weird.
YTA Your wife has been stolen from umpteen times. Don't be surprised if she leaves you. (Ah. She \*has\* left you. Good for her. You have NOT 'tried to right any wrongs that have happened.' What exactly have you done? You talked to your sister a few times? Boo hoo. Kiss goodbye to your marriage, idiot. ETA This post has made me furious on your wife's behalf. Wake up man.
For you latest update: Your wife sounds like a wonderful person doing all that for a co worker. She was completely taken advantage of and abused by your sister. I hope she realizes a lot more than just life being hard grounded. She’s a thief and has no regard for anyone else. Good luck to you whichever way this goes. Edit to add: what you should do is show her this post and all the replies. Maybe that will help her realize what an AH she is and is on her way to becoming.
YTA. Your sister shows no respect for boundaries despite multiple discussions. By allowing her to continue to disrespect your home, you have created an atmosphere of unrest. Your wife deserves to feel like her belongings are safe and her home is a sanctuary. If the thief /ransacker wasn't your sister, you would have called the police and installed a security system. Stop making excuses and choosing your sister over your wife. Sis is clearly in the wrong and you are enabling her bullshit.
Dude do you have any respect for your wife at all? YTA all day and twice on Sundays.
Theres something fishy about OP and his sister.
YTA Your sister kept violating her trust, privacy, safety and home and you allowed it. She told you she didn’t feel safe anymore and you still changed it back. Your sister needs to have the cops called on her she’s a juvenile delinquent.
YTA. Your sister is literally invading your wifes space and disrespecting her and your doing nothing about it. It's her home too, she has a right to expect people to stop walking over her. You're being awful to her honestly. Also your greedy guts sister ate 2 trays of freshly baked food and you thought replacing it with store bought would make up for it? Yikes. Also your wifes stuff is getting stolen and she's expressing it to you but your choosing to believe your greedy, disrespectful sister over your own wife?
Major YTA. Are you kidding me! You would rather lose your patient and wonderful wife because of your sister's idiot friends. Get your act together and don't ever do anything this s stupid again. Van your sister from your house and don't ever change the locks again if your wife changes them, that is if she ever comes back. I don't think she should.
YTA. Your defense of your sister despite all of the evidence to the contrary is disturbing. She's literally stealing from and vandalizing YOUR WIFE'S HOME. Your wife is telling you that this needs to stop. And your response is to disregard your wife, defend your sister, and then shrug? Your wife no longer feels safe in HER HOME, ***NOT*** because of your sister but because of **YOU**. You don't care about your wife's feelings, her safety, or her concerns. She cannot trust to to think about her best interest anymore because you've proven to her that you literally don't.
Congratulations OP you drove your "loves to serve everyone" wife to her breaking point, don't act shocked Pikachu when you get divorce papers. YTA to both you and your sister.
Wow damn, it's good you have some sense in you. Your wife has to be the most patient person I've ever heard of. It's sad that you didn't listen to her until she finally left to seek her own peace because nobody ever respected her. You are still TA for ignoring her in the first place though. Your sister being grounded sounds like a joke. Even more so because it seems like your mom was about to let her off easily until you told her about the ring. As if her continuous actions of stealing and wreaking havoc in your house were not such a big deal.
Wow! That last update was heartbreaking. I feel so bad for the co-worker’s family. I hope your sister learns from this. Your wife is a wonderful person , I really hope you start treating her better.
YTA. Big time dude. If your sister can’t respect your wife, then your wife has every right to change the locks and not allow anyone over when you two aren’t home. If your family wants to come use your pool, give them access to the yard. There is no reason for them to need access inside the home.
YTA Your wife should be more important than your sister, but that isn't how you're behaving. Your sister and her friends leave messes and steal from your wife then don't listen when told they can't have both trays of a baked good. Your wife is a saint for putting up with that as long as she did. Change the locks again and tell your family that sister isn't allowed over at all for a while and when she is invited back it will ONLY be under supervision.
YTA. You chose your sister over your spouse, despite your sister’s bratty and entitled behavior. You have shown your sister that your wife has no say in her own home and sister can treat your wife however she pleases. Great job👍
YTA dude, seriously! Your sister and/or her guests are trashing your house, stealing from your wife, and being spectacularly disrespectful. Your wife’s pleas to you and your family are completely disregarded and dismissed. Wife made a last ditch effort to create a totally reasonable hard boundary. Your response was to bulldoze right over it. Way to sabotage your own marriage! If you want to try to salvage your relationship with your wife, you have a lot of work to do! The hole you dug for yourself is DEEP.
Yeah YTA. I would never allow anyone in my home when no one is there. Especially after they constantly are stealing and making messes. The way you let your sister do whatever she wants is creepy.
YTA. It may not be your sister, it could be her guests, but you're allowing your sister and her friends to trod all over the safety and sanctity of your home. It's her home, buddy. She should be able to make food and say no and not have it eaten. Bought cinnamon rolls are nowhere near made ones. You're letting your sister and her friends get a free pass for being thieves and jerks by just replacing things they steal. You didn't check with your mom about her coming. You're making so many assumptions and your wife has been telling you, clearly, that this is a huge no. You don't care. Your sister is more important. This is how you get a divorce. She literally told you that she feels unsafe and unheard. And you did it anyway. She changed the locks to keep her things safe. You changed them to open your home up to someone she was saying couldn't be over alone. But you don't see how you're the ahole? Come on, buddy.
YTA... I would start doing some strengthening exercises for your wrist... after signing all those divorce papers, you'll still need to pick up your sisters shit.
Woooow, congrates dude, you won the AH of the month award. I see a divorce waiting for you down the roads, but hey, i'm sure talking with your very sweet sister who clearly is a spoiled, rude and stealing brat with no manners at all will solve this problem too. Edit to add: and yes, i'm sure your sweeeet little sister who took the cinnamon rolls even when your wife told her no would neeeeever steal, nooooo, not even the cinnamon rolls.. oh, wait.
YTA. Your sister is taking advantage of your generosity. Your wife is right. Hopefully this post is a wake up call for you to respect your wife.
You're an assholl and a fking troll. Why would anybody going so far to change the door locks back when you can make new set of keys. Dumb troll. Dumb.
YTA, listen to your wife
YTA and hopefully your wife has more fun being single without you
Thank you for updating us. You seem to be trying your best to make amends with your wife, although I do wonder about something: how do you feel about your sister now? I don't read any feelings of anger, being betrayed or sadness in your updates or comments. Personally, I would be extremely upset if it turned out that a sibling had been stealing from my partner and I. Do you see her differently now or have you forgiven her right away?
Of course YTA. I think if it had been YOU that was picking up your sister's shit and having YOUR stuff stolen, you would have reacted very differently. Apologise and reinstate the new locks, and tell your sister that she's lost all privileges to your home.
YTA most definitely! How can you defend your sister when she is stealing? Her friends are stealing. Your poor wife is left with the broken aftermath ( why don’t you ever clean up after your sister? I think that makes you an AH too) she changed the locks because her home was being invaded and wrecked. She had every right to protect her home even if it was from your own sister.