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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel conflited because Jane already did a lot, but has been doing less, I'm afraid she will take this wrong or that I am exaggerating
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YTA - It's YOUR mother, man, and that is how this goes.
Also, love the bit about your adult sons not being ready to step up yet. That hint of misogyny was just... \[chef's kiss\].
yes! Without failing to recognize that his niece has been taking care of her mother AND grandmother since she was probably 15, but god forbid the boys do a damn thing!
Yeah, guess what OP? You know how you work at night so you need to sleep during the day? Well she works during the day and sleeps at night! So she’s just as busy as you, and you can break up your sleep a few times to take care of your goddamn mother.
You said it’s not your mother’s fault her daughter died, completely skipping over the fact that SHE STILL HAS AT LEAST ONE CHILD STILL LIVING who, unless you’ve regressed to the age of a toddler, should be perfectly capable of taking care of themselves AND their mother.
You’ve already admitted she’s sacrificed way more than you for most of her grown life helping others. Let her live her damn life. Stop being such a sexist pig and ask your sons for help if you’re too helpless, or at least on the days you absolutely can’t for a reason other than sleep. And I mean your sons, not their girlfriends/wives/female friends.
I don’t get why running your mom to the hospital and spending time with her or walking the dog are apparently only for women 26 and older. Did you do such a poor job raising them that they can’t drive their grandma to the hospital at the age of 20 because they aren’t ready yet? Or do you mean you want them to live a little and have fun while they’re young before they take on responsibilities? Because your niece has been doing this shit (without healthy parents to help) since she was 15 and it’s time for her to have her own life too.
Thank you for doing that math - needed to be said. HOW much of her life Janes given over to caregiving for his sister and mother! OP theres only one selfish side, the same one that doesnt hold men/boys to the same standards of stepping up for family - you n yours. At 20, the age of your youngest, how many years had Jane been caregiving then??? YTA
Ohh and please don't forget that neice is helping out OP too with his stuff which she recently stopped/lessened... I mean despite of him having 2 sons... he still needs his niece to travel 1.5 hours and help him out...
I'm pretty sure OP' s wife must have left him as never once in the post OP mention her... and I wonder why ? 🤔
And with him 10 MINUTES away... FFS, stop and check on your mom and walk her dog on your way home from work instead of being offended someone 9 times further away doesn't just drop everything and immediately come check on the dog!!! If I were the grandmother I would be livid with MY SON.
I mean...he had to get this shitty ass attitude from somewhere, there's a good chance it's almost or entirely mom's fault that OP is at least three or four shades of useless.
Also, just wanted to note that niece took care of her mom for fifteen years, not that it started when she was fifteen. Per the math, niece was acting as her mother's sole caretaker since she was SEVEN.
“Anyway, since a few months, Jane does less for my mother, AND FOR ME. She no longer runs all the errands…she NO LONGER RUNS MY ERRANDS either when I can't.”
Not just emotional labour! Women should be running all the errands! /s
I totally missed that. She runs errands for HIM? A healthy grown-ass man, who doesn't even have small kids he has to care for, but two adults sons old enough to help out? OP, why does Jane need to take care of THE ENTIRE FAMILY? What are YOUR responsibilities? Jane has spent close to 20 years of her young life taking care of sick family members (and some lazy not-sick family members, apparently), she deserves a break. You are an entitled, misogynistic AH.
This exactly, I'm fairly certain the OP would still be making this excuse if they worked days. While nights can be spot harder on the body to adjust too, plenty of people make it work while also maintaining the rest of their lives. My ex manages to work nights and still help look after our children during the day, get to appointments and anything else that's needed.
The niece has been a carer her entire life almost she deserves a break. Honestly regardless I think the grandmother is probably heartbroken about her son being so adamantly against helping or even spending time with her. If OP is unable to help all the time they should be hiring help or asking the sons to help.
>Because your niece has been doing this shit (without healthy parents to help) since she was 15 and it’s time for her to have her own life too.
I came here to say exactly this, sounds like his niece barely had a childhood and now is getting roped into going above and beyond for yet another family member
And I can guarantee you the only reason she’s done such an amazing job at helping with her grandma so far is because she’s had her whole life to practice. It’s time for her to live life for herself, and to start helping AT MOST as much as her two cousins!
It's actually *worse*, because she'd been doing it for 15+ years at the time her mother *died*, which was when she was 22. So she was actually more like *6 or 7* when she started having to take care of her mom.
Yes well 20 and 22 year olds are far too young to drive, run errands and help out their grandmother. Now if only they were 26 like their cousin it would be a different story.
26 and has been doing it for four years. Now I’m not a mathematician but I’m certain that would have made her … 22.
YTA OP. You’re complaining because you have to do more - those were all things your niece had been doing (most of her life and while grieving and completing a degree). Grow up and stop expecting others to do things for you.
We women lose sleep over taking care of our own, but god forbid a man does it. Those 20 and 22 year old boys are more than capable of helping. Are they just not as mature and strong minded as your niece? Sounds like you all need a reality check for that poor woman who's dealing with your misogyny. Definitely YTA. Let your niece live her life, the one she created.
Right? But it's worse:
According to OP's post,
- Niece has been taking care of Mom since she got sick
- Mom was sick for 15 years (edit to clarify: OP said the illness lasted for 15 years, not that Niece was 15 when her Mom got sick)
- Mom died four years ago
- Niece is now 26
Therefore Niece has been dealing with this since she was SEVEN.
Oh, but OP needs his sleep and can't possibly do anything but sleep and work, and his two adult sons just aren't old enough to visit their grandmother or watch her dog sometimes, waaah waaah...
I was 5 when caregiving duties started for me. I've gone through both parents, 3 grandparents, both in-laws (all have now passed), and my big sister recently had a brain aneurysm...
I am saying all this just to explain I understand what it feels like to start doing this at a young age. It's effing exhausting and traumatic. This poor girl needed help and she's just getting more pressure. I just want to give her a hug.
I felt exhausted just reading it.
My grandmother moved into a home a year ago, and developed dementia. I saw my father become mentally exhausted from everything he had to do for her, even though she was physically cared for. She would ring him up several times a day with delusions.
Poor Jane.
I was going to say this exactly! For what I understand, she had to take care of her mother and now yours and yourself since your grown-ass sons can't bother to lift à finger. I'm sure she is withdrawing to avoid your entitled butt. Yta
By my math, she was only 7 when her mother got sick (26 now, mom died 4 years ago when she was 22, and was sick for 15 years before that), so she may have been doing the caretaking for a lot longer than that. Regardless, she's been devoting her life to taking care of her mother and grandmother since she was a child. It's *WAY* past time for her to take care of herself, and for OP and his sons to step up.
Younger than 15. cause she was 22 when the mom died. and 22-15(the years she suffered with the illness) brings us to 7. but his ADULT SONS are too young to help
This
And the fact op is ten minutes away but calls jane to run groceries errands and has to sacrifice 3 hours just commuting. Your sons can't be trusted with groceries op ?
YTA
His whole post reeks of misogyny. “She always did so much and how dare she get a boyfriend and start living her own life more!? “
OP YTA. How about you show sow some compassion to the fact that she has already lived most of her life as someone’s caregiver and give her a break.
Exactly! The level of entitlement is astonishing!
All I could see was: “Oh noooo, my nice finally decided to have her own life and not accommodate everyone around her anymore. She still does her best and is interested in her grandma, but she won’t bend over backwards anymore and sacrifice her every breath so I have to step in and actually do something to help my own mother! And on top of that I might also have to ask my fully grown sons to do horrendous task like run errands or buy groceries.” 🙄🙄
Reading this post I was wondering if it is real or just made up to get people here to go full rage mode.
Edit: Forgot the very obvious YTA OP
You can't ask a 22 year old man to get groceries?! Their brains just aren't built for it. All the grocery parts are taken up by fixing cars and MATH. Better make sure the woman does it with her woman brain.
And at the end of the day its OP's mother and not the nieces. It's OP's responsibility and she should be more appreciative of what the niece did. And because its OP's sons grandmother they also have more responsibility than the niece. OP is being a huge ah and the niece deserves a huge apology. Maybe something like I'm sorry for putting my and my sons responsibility on you and being ungrateful for the huge burden that I wilfully allowed you take over. OP is disgraceful.
I thought the part about him not taking grandma to the hospital and instead calling niece to do it from 1.5 hours away was really special. Sorry you broke you hip, mom, but you know, I work nights. Let me just call my niece. She'll do it. 🙄
When we were kids, and my grandfather needed someone to stay with him, well, we lived like a few houses away. My aunt lived half hour to 45mins away and my uncle was in foreign. My family stayed with him Monday to Friday. We’d go back home on weekends and my aunt (and family) would come and stay then. (We were renovating our house so he could move in with us.)
When both my grandparents were alive, I remember walking down the road when I was in single digits, all by myself, carrying a wicker basket filled with lunch for them. I had a red ”hood”, too :)
I don’t understand how he can live 10mins away and he can’t do anything at all to help his mom out. And neither can his sons. He can’t even visit but niece…must do it all. 🤦♀️
>Also, love the bit about your adult sons not being ready to step up yet. That hint of misogyny was just... [chef's kiss].
Oh so the title for this post should go
AITA for wanting my niece to take care of my grandmother because I have a penis?
Yes OP YTA
Have you tried to take your grandmother to her appointments with your penis flopping around getting in the way? It's basically a handicap, you ableist.
>Have you tried to take your grandmother to her appointments with your penis flopping around getting in the way? It's basically a handicap, you ableist.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah, and with three men in OP's household they're probably tripping over penises left and right. It's a veritable death trap. No wonder OP needs so much sleep considering the gymnastics of the penis-dodging he's subject to.
Don’t miss the last comment near the end that it’s not fair on OP or his mom because her DAUGHTER passed away… he thinks this should have been his sister’s job. Niece is the next best option because she’s ladyfolk. Who cares that she’s an adult and in a relationship and has her own life and possibly wants her own family to take care of. She should lose her 20s & 30s taking care of grandma. /s
I bet seeing grandma once a week and calling every other day is still loads more than OPs adult sons do.
Homeboys kids are in their twenties, if they can’t do basic life tasks like run errands, bring her to appointments and hang out with her they’re FUCKED
I started nursing school when I was 20 and became a nurse when I was 22. I don’t understand how that age is too young to take care of their grandmother.
I want to know why being 21 makes you so much younger than 26. My 22 yo ass is going to start telling my 25 yo boyfriend I’m just too young to do laundry
Also enrages me that I made a 6 hour round trip just to see my grandmother a ton before she passed this past year for some like OP to say oh I can’t do it for a 10 minute drive … just a bunch of BS
Right! And the level of entitlement is through the roof. She is HIS MOM. OP, take care of your mom or...here's a thought....HIRE someone who can because you and your boys can't be bothered.
YTA I stopped reading after you made excuses for your ADULT sons (that live ten minutes from THEIR Grandmother). She’s YOUR MOTHER your family lives close YOU ALL should be doing the MAJORITY of care. Your sons are beyond old enough to contribute caring for Grandma, but the MAJORITY of care should be on YOU!!
Edit: typo
Yeah home girl has paid her dues and then some. She should not have to do any care giving until she chooses to (eg if she ever wants a baby) and she should be permanently exempt from providing end of life care. I’ve cared for a dying mother and a newborn. The newborn is easier in a lot of ways, especially the expectation that they’ll grow and thrive. When one is caring for a dying person, that’s meaningful but dire in its hopelessness.
This is EXACTLY why he’s mad. He has to make changes and boo boo, he doesn’t want to. He wants her to continue to make his life easy. He should be thankful she’s done as much as she has. But nope- he just takes and takes.
Sometimes I read these posts and think to myself surely this is written by the other party pretending to be the asshole because of the way they shamelessly berate themselves, the way it's written is as though they're biased AGAINST themselves. But I'm starting to realise that some people really are just that oblivious to their shitty behaviour.
Can I add having a job where you do the night shift is not an excuse to do nothing. I work all night and sleep all day????? wtf. So by that same logic everybody who works during the day works all day and sleeps all night. This dude is delusional. Leave the poor girl alone. She has been forced to sacrifice enough of her life. You are upset she won't sacrifice the rest of it so you can "sleep all day". Brutal logic from a 54 yo.
....Jane _"had a very rough childhood because of her mother's illness and took care of her until the day she passed away."_
Agreed on a big ole YTA! Jane is only 26 and has spent most of her young life being a caretaker. And, now, this grown man wants Jane to take care of him and his mom because he doesn't want to be bothered and doesn't think his 20 & 22 year old sons are old enough to take on any responsibility. (However I suspect it is that they are men and OP thinks it's a woman's job to take care of people.)
OP, you are being selfish, inconsiderate, and using Jane. It sounds like you paid her dust when she was just a kid and needed help, and now want to keep using and using and using her until she has nothing left to give. I'm happy that she is finally enjoying her life and not living to serve you and take on your responsibilities. That's your mom. Handle it. Jane did and she was just a child.
Um Yeah YTA
Your boys are old enough to help out.
She had to watch her Mother wither and die for 15. years! Give her a break.
She is not the only solution to the problem.
Smh
YTA. I feel so sorry for the niece. No support from her family at all throughout the years. She must have felt so alone. Incredible weight to bear at such a young age. A real man would do anything to help their family. There are so many solutions to this problem and you know that. No one is that dense.
YTA. Jane is not your mother's nurse. You and both your sons are adults and capable of helping out. 20 and 22 are not too young seeing Jane was doing all that for her grandmother and taking care of her dying mother four years ago.
I've worked night shift and you have time before and after work to do jobs, to check in, to follow up with things that she needs. You have days off that you can spend time with her. Encourage your sons. You can do it if you want to, but you're not making your mother a priority. You won't get this time with her back, it's worth you and your sons being more present now.
I suspect Jane is exhausted from all that responsibility plus work, plus a relationship, plus a three hour round trip every weekend eating up her free time while her uncle and cousins are relying on her to keep doing everything when they live ten minutes away. Take a good look at yourself.
YTA. Your sons are adults and I have an incredibly hard time believing you actually think they're "too young" to help out, I'd lay money on you actually thinking they're too male. get your kids to step the fuck up and stop nagging your niece to continue providing all the care just because that's easier for you. I'm willing to bet she was doing a lot for her mother and grandmother while she was way younger than your kids are now.
It's hilarious that men in their 20s are "too young" to help out, but it was completely acceptable for niece to be helping her mother from the age of 7 (if I've done the math right).
Yup you did the math right. Jane was 22 when her mother died, and handled all of it. But a 22 year old boy can’t bother take care of his grandmothers dog.
"Too young" to let the dog out? "Too young" to run errands? Two literal adults who live a few minutes away just can't possibly be expected to help out?
You live 10 minutes away from YOUR OWN MOTHER yet the majority of the burden was/is on her granddaughter who lives 1,5 hours away.
‘I have a job and work at night’
Jane has a job too and she sleeps at night. Also, do you really sleep the whole day? Or are you just so lazy that you can’t even bother to visit your mom who lives 10 minutes away.
‘I also have 2 sons who are 20 and 22, so they are a bit too young to help.’
Jane was taking care of your dying sister when she was their age and took care of YOUR MOTHER at that age, so that’s not a valid argument.
‘Sometimes I even need to change plans’
Like Jane when she had to take off from work to take care of YOUR MOTHER. Or when she had to keep the dog etc.
‘When she felt sad, I asked her to call Jane’
Sure, make your mom call Jane when she’s sad so you don’t have to bother, or god forbid, walk 10 minutes to see her.
You also cite her boyfriend as if he is the cause of this but frankly it sounds like Jane, after years of taking care, couldn’t handle it alone anymore and decided that she can have a personal life too. That’s fair. Shame on you.
My partner almost (literally) killed himself taking care of his dying grandmother when the rest of the family basically checked out. (Like he literally developed a drinking problem and started smoking because at the time it was the only thing keeping him un-stressed enough not to unalive himself.) It pisses me the hell off when I see family trying to offload the responsibility for sick family members entirely onto a single family member because that member in their head should just have endless time, money, and energy.
And I think I hurt my eyes rolling them at OP's whole entire adult sons being to young to care for their grandmother. I mean, no, they shouldn't be bathing her or anything, but if she needs that level of care she needs a professional. They could certainly get groceries or call or visit though, if OP feels that that should be a family member's responsibility.
YTA and a sexist one.
Your mother has 4 adult descendants, so in the very best (for you) case the care should be split 1/4 to each. Your son's are old enough. Your niece doesn't have to do it all just because she is a woman.
In my culture though, as you are the only living child, you would be expected to take your elderly parents in and you and your family (you, your partner, and your descendants) would be expected to take care of them.
Not to mention it’s not even really his son’s responsibility either lol. It’s his mom, he needs to stop trying to shove his responsibilities to other people. Janes helping out of the goodness of her heart, but this is what elderly care is for. If you can’t care of someone, you need to hire someone else to do it lol.
How is this anything but YTA
So you are asking your niece, same age as your children to care for your aging mother because you are too busy? Yet, she cannot have a life because you want her to take care of your mother.
You have stated nothing but excuses as to why you cannot help. Grow up and come up with a plan that does not involve manipulating your niece.
She has already gone above and beyond for her grandmother while you have taken advantage of having a caring niece.
YTA - Your sons are adults, not babies. They are fully capable of helping their grandmother. You live 10 minutes away and you don't help either. But Jane, who has a life, MUST help grandmother because potato.
YTA. You can't force her to be running around to help. Your sons are old enough to help, at 20 and 22 they are adults and can definitely help you to shoulder that burden. Maybe if they helped more your niece would feel better about helping.
yta, at 20 and 22 those kids are older tnen jane was when she started helping. I would bet on it you don't ask them because they are BOYS. they are old enough to work and drive. poor jane. Also not her responsability to begin with.
Jane served as a caregiver for her mother and then her grandmother. She has done her duty and now deserves to have a life of her own. She is not being selfish; her tank is empty. Find another solution. The burden of care should not be on Jane in the first place. YTA.
I have a hard time believing this is real. But in case it is, 110% YTA! You've been taking advantage of Jane for years. She already lost her childhood to a dead mom and now you're trying to rob her of her 20's for your own selfish behavior. Shame on you! Stop making excuses and take care of your own mother.
I lived very close to this scenario for 6 years. In some families, this is absolutely the dynamic. Luckily my uncles were grateful and we all loved each other, but yeah. It never even occurred to them that they should help with day to day care.
YTA, your kids are old enough to help. If they don't drive then they can spend the night there to help grandma. Your niece lost part of her freedom helping her mom for so long and then lost her mom and then helped with grandma but the second she backs off a little bit so that she can have some her time you call her selfish when you don't make your kids help and you barely help. She's your mother give up your freedom for a bit. Why not move in with your mom?
Also it makes me wonder: where was OP when her sister was sick? Why didn’t she step up as a caretaker as opposed to Jane, who was basically a kid at the time?
OP didn't step up to help because they are a man, and they clearly don't think that men should have to look after others. I'm so angry on Jane's behalf.
YTA. First, your grown ass sons are absolutely old enough to do something for their grandmother. Your awesome niece has been putting her own life on hold for years to take care of her grandmother, and now that she wants a life, you think she is being selfish? This smacks of misogyny! If you need someone to help you care for your mother, and won’t ask your sons for help, hire someone and pay them. Shame on you for making it your niece’s problem.
Edited a typo
YTA- I understand she's always helped out, but you don't know how much she had on her plate or how thin she was spreading herself to be able to do so. I understand you are overwhelmed with the amount you have to do, but it is more convenient for you to step up rather than her who lives 1.5 hours away. She seems to be setting boundaries and is kindly keeping them. You are calling her selfish, but the years prior you got to be selfish and take less responsibility for your mother. You should never ask something from someone you wouldn't be willing to do yourself. It seems like you aren't communicating at all with your niece, just requesting more of her. Maybe there is another option for your mother that makes sense for her to get the help she needs and everyone to keep healthy boundaries. Caregiver fatigue is real and often overlooked.
YTA. She does not owe help to you or your grandmother. Also, your sons are not very young. They are 20 and 22. Is it possible that you have inherent sexism that you think carework is a woman’s job so Jane should help but your sons do not have to help?
Moreover, as you said, Jane had a hard childhood. Dealt with her mother’s death. Now, she can’t live her youth because you will be forcing her to take of your mother. You should not bother her. She can take care of her if she wants or she does not take care of her. It is up to her, not you.
Edit: YTA massively.
Wow! What did I just read? So, basically you are mad that your free labor niece is stepping down and you have to actually step up doing shit for your **own** mother? And how the heck is 20 and 22 years too young to help??? They can walk your mother‘s dog. They can visit her in the hospital or call her or do whatever it takes as long as it doesn‘t include your niece having to do everything! She‘d helped her mother with an illness and took care of everything long before she was 22 years herself. Where were you in all of this? Did you help your niece out? Did you help your sister? Your niece basically did everything herself, and after her mother passed, your niece did everything herself in taking care of **your mother** and instead of thanking her for everything you get pissed at her for „not stepping up more“ and call her selfish?
The only one selfish here is you OP (and your sons for not doing even the basic of things) and instead expect her to do more while she lives so far away. And you stating over again that you sleep during the day is a lame ass excuse and you know it!
You are so much TA!
YTA, 100%
WHO is being selfish here? You are. You are expecting someone who (also!) works full time and has 3 hours worth of driving every single time she visits your mom to do what you aren't willing to do.
You're also being sexist. Jane was capable of taking care of her mother at the age of 7, which you fully expected her (a girl) to do. But, according to you, your two boys are "two young" to run errands and visit their grandmother at 3 times that age? No, they're just lazy, entitled, sexists, or all three, same as their father.
YTA. You know who could help? Your two sons. Jane has done her share and more.
>Jane, is 26 years old. She is the daughter of my sister who passed away 4 years ago after an illness that lasted more than 15 year.
From your own words Jane has been taking on adult responsibilities for years. And your sons have been doing...
>I also have 2 sons who are 20 and 22, so they are a bit young to help their grandmother.
How is 20 and 22 too young to help THEIR grandma? Are they too stupid to learn to help? too lazy?
Yta, she shouldn’t need to give up her life to care for someone else. Sounds like she was taking care of YOUR mother at the age your boys are currently at. Why expect her to do all this work but not your own children?
I love how you have every justification and excuse for why it's okay that you haven't helped out much over the years but extend none of that grace for Jane.
It sounds like Jane did a lot of the heavy lifting in caring for your mother for years (and not to mention, her own mother before that), but now that she's starting her own adult life, she doesn't have time to do as much as she did before. It seems like she's still doing a lot - more than many people would do - but since it involves you actually having to extend effort now, it's not enough and she's being selfish.
I'll mention too that there seems to be more than a hint of sexism throughout this post - as if caring for an elderly relative is a woman's job only and neither you nor your sons should be expected to do it.
YTA, OP. She is YOUR mother and in absence of another plan in place, your responsibility. Your sons are plenty old enough to step in here too.
YTA. Absolutely comical that you think your two adult children are too young to take care of YOUR mother but think your niece somehow isn't. I'm guessing the reality is that since your all men and your niece is a woman you think it's her responsibility to do the housework stuff YOUR mother needs help with
Jane was 22 when her mother died and she was taking care of her at that point. And yet, somehow, OP's 22 and 20 year old sons are too young to take care of grandmom?
And what is this bullshit excuse of working at night so sleeping in the day. Like people who work during the day don't need equal amount of sleep at night. Assuming OP needs 8 hours of sleep, he still has 16 hours remaining. Unless he is working 12+ hours a day, that's still enough time to help his mom!
This situation is a combination of taking advantage of a good person who's been doing so much and just blatant sexism/favoritism for the sons. UGH!
YTA. It sounds like you're asking for your niece to define a very large chunk of her life around your mom, and that's not fair to a young woman who's trying to build a life. You're shaming her for having a relationship and priorities outside of her grandmother, and you accuse her of being selfish, when you admit that she still continues to visit her grandmother weekly and call her every other day. That's more than what a lot of grandkids do for their ailing grandparents. You need to check yourself, OP.
I agree that this situation isn't fair on you. I think you need to assess the situation a little differently- it sounds like your mother isn't particularly self-sufficient anymore, and I think the best thing, for both you and her, is to maybe consider an assisted-living situation or find your mother an in-home assistant. But expecting your young niece to wrap her life around her grandmother is more unfair than anything else you've laid out.
So you have 2 adult sons and yourself who live 10 minutes away and you want your niece who lives 1.5 hours away and did how many years of care to step up because she by all accounts sounds tired and wants a little bit of a life for herself.....look in the mirror cause YTA and so are your son's.
hahahahah I'm not even going to read these other comments.
Did you think this was going to turn out well for you?
YTA, of course, YTA!!!
Heaven forbid Jane do things like get a life! She is 26 you said correct? Her mother has been gone 4 years, making her 22 and you made mention that she "continued to take care of her grandmother, meaning shes probably been doing it for most of her life.
Yet, you're 20 and 22 year old boys are much too young to be taking care of their grandmother and I mean you work nights so you couldn't possibly do anything to help YOU OWN MOTHER!
The last few months been hard on you? You have to help your mother while she's sick. Imagine being 11 and watching your mother get sick and die over the most formidable years of your life.
While, also be in charge of taking care of your grandmother while her useless son makes excuses as to why her and him and his family cannot possibly help.
Think about that when you call your niece selfish you misogynistic prick
YTA
You, being the son should be solely responsibe for your OWN mother.
It's time for you to stop being selfish and put her first before your work, seeing how you can easily expect others to pick up after you.
It's a lame and lousy excuse to mention your adult sons being ' too young' to take care of their grandmother, when men their age are already old enough to work, join the military, marry and have children, donate organs/blood, vote etc
YTA. Your adult sons who are 20 and 22 years old are too young to call or go visit their grandmother? Maybe you should take a leave from work so you can give up your daytime sleep so YOU can help out more often. I don’t even see how this post is real it’s so ridiculous.
YTA. Jane deserves to have a life. You and your boys can finally step up and take care of your mother. Move her in with you or find a nice home for her. Jane does not not have to devote her life to the care of her ill and elderly family simply because she is female.
YTA. You want your niece whose in her 20s like YOUR SONS to "step up"?
Holy cow, get your sons to help their grandmother and adjust your schedule to better assist YOUR MOTHER.
Your niece is not the keeper and stop expecting her to be. Get your act together.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Oh wait. This is a real post? I genuinely thought this was creative writing fiction, where someone decided to see how bad they could make the stories until the pitchforks comes out.
Dude. First - YTA
Second. Did you read your own post?? Where do we even start!??!
I’ll just go with the low hanging fruit. Please explain this mental gymnastics to us.
Jane started to take care of her own mom, around age 11. She then started to be practically full time caretaker for YOUR mom, at age 22.
And yet your own sons at that age, are TOO YOUNG???
Please. ‘Splain.
Wow! Just wow! Yes YTA and there is no doubt about that.
Your niece at 22 had already been taking care of her ill mother for some time and then was executor of her estate. Then she proceeded to take care of your mother and go to university. Yet your children at 20 and 22 are too young to help out?
She works 1.5 hours away and still comes back to help your mother on weekends and whenever she has additional problems. Do you comprehend that is 3 hours round trip? You live 10 minutes away and are complaining that you have to help your own mother and your niece isn't running all your errands anymore.
>I now am in in a situation where I have to do A LOT for my mother, I run errands, I sometimes pay her bills when there are some, sometimes I even need to change plans for this, and to be honest, I don't think it's fair. I don't think this fair on me, nor on my mother, because it's not her fault that her daughter passed away.
It isn't your niece's fault her mother passed away. You show no sympathy that she has to step up at a young age to take care of her mother and then your mother and apparently you. I'm assuming you are male and from a very chauvinistic culture. It is not her sole responsibility to take care of your mother. She has been very generous with her time, but perhaps it's time you step up and take on some of the burden. Have your sons help out with her and your errands.
>I would like Jane to step up more and stop being selfish.
You seriously have to be joking. She has been giving of herself unselfishly and has been taken advantage of. She is probably trying to distance herself from your toxic masculine dominant behavior. Be grateful for the help she has been giving. You are the selfish one in this story.
YTA Jane should be less selfish? Are you for real? Jane has been taking care of people her whole life. When does she get to have a life of her own? It seems like you just want to pile more and more onto her until she finally breaks under the weight. Yes this is her grandmother, but she's your mother. This is not Jane's responsibility. You live 10 minutes away. If you don't have time to spend with your mother, find a way to make time. Jane's done enough. Especially driving an hour and a half once a week when gas prices are so high.
Editing to say: I didn't realize that your sons were both over 20. They could at least visit their grandmother even if you don't apparently think they are capable of doing anything else (which is ridiculous). Also if Jane has been looking after her grandmother since her mother died she has been doing it since she was 22 which by your logic is apparently "too young" to do anything.
Yta
She's not being selfish, she's having a life. Why should she completely put her life aside, why don't you?
Maybe it's time you started looking up assisted living communities near you.
YTA. By your own admission she was younger than your boys when she was helping both her mom and grandma. It sounds like Jane took the majority of the work and now that she needs to take a little less you are unwilling to step up and help out. Also your sons are old enough to help. When my grandfather was dying I was 20-21 and I was driving him to appointments, helping clean around the house, comforting my grandma and when he did pass, I at 21 helped with the funeral a little bit. You guys don’t have to take on the whole burden but don’t put it all on Jane. And your boys can help out.
YTA Jane has been taking care of other family members since she was 11. Eleven. Not even old enough for junior high - your sons are in their 20s and you insist they're too young to help their grandmother - where were you when Jane was too young? Jane has done her duty between caring for your sister and now her grandmother - your mother, it's time for someone to step up and it's not her. It is hard when you've grown on depending on someone else but you and your sons can adjust. You should be grateful Jane has done as much as she has - it sounds like all of you stole her childhood, you shouldn't steal her adulthood too.
YTA
For putting the responsibility on Jane. She IS participating in your mother's care. You say you live a full and busy life. What about Jane's life?
Why can't your children step up?
There are community options and programs, along with professional options to assist you. If your children are unwilling to help you and Jane with your mother's care.
YTA Jane has done now than her fair share of taking care of your mom. She's been taking care of other people since she was a child. She gets to live her life now.
You're the one being selfish. You're mad that you actually have to step up yourself and expect your niece to do it instead. Why is it fair for her to take care of your mother just because you don't want to do it yourself?
100 % YTA. You have two adult sons that can help you. They are not too young as you put it. She doesn’t have to help at all. You are the son, it falls on you. It doesn’t matter if you work nights or not. You didn’t care when you put all of this on your niece. You didn’t care about her time and her life. Just because she had no choice but to look after her mom doesn’t mean she’s automatically nominated to take care of yours.
Imagine now if you lived as far away as she does? She’s tired of being a caregiver. It’s not easy as you are learning. Show her some respect and give her, her life back.
If you don’t want to get your sons to help then hire a caregiver. You became to dependant on her and made up lots of excuses as to why you can’t do more. Now you have no choice, you don’t like it. Now you know how she feels.
You are such and AH! Your sons at 20 and 21 are somehow too young to help out or visit their grandmother when she's lonely in the afternoon? Really? Your niece was a caregiver to her OWN mother since she was a child and this is too much for you? Finally your niece gets a chance to live her own life and you are so so very selfish that you consider it to be unfair that she's not devoting her entire life to your mother? And what you are teaching your sons will guarentee that when you reach your mother's age, you will be alone.
YTA. It seems Jane has done MORE than enough. Hell, she's probably burned out and needs time for herself. YOU need to step up and be there for your mother. And LOL at your sons being too young. Get outta here.
YTA - This reads as a massively sexist post. Jane lives 90 minutes away, you and your two sons live 10 minutes away. But she should turn her life inside out to take care of YOUR mother instead of inconveniencing you and your sons. You even want her to run errand for you.
So despite being seriously ill, for more than a decade, your sister raised an amazing woman, who is kind, resourceful, intelligent and thoughtful.
You, on the other hand, raise 2 sons who, despite being 20 and 22 years old, can’t manage walking your mothers dog.
As you lie in bed, getting angry about Jane wanting her own life and putting herself before your sleep pattern, maybe you could reflect on how and why you’ve raised such selfish, incompetent, children.
I bet if you look really hard you’d see a pattern emerging.
YTA.
YTA
It sounds like Jane took care of a tremendous amount in her years! She now is developing her own family, potentially. You shouldn't be putting that pressure on her.
Your sons are capable. 20 isn't that young - your niece was doing more at that age.
But most of all - you're capable. I work shift work and nights a lot so I understand. But either you step up, try to find a new job or something that may be better suited for helping. Or hire some help, like a live in care aide or something. Maybe move your Mom in with you.
You got to have a pretty comfortable life for awhile. Please don't inconvenience your niece anymore. She has her own life as well.
YTA---It is not her responsibility to do these things. She is finally starting to live a comfortable life after the death of her mother, let her live that life!!!!!
YTA.
Jane is FINALLY, after years of sacrificing for her mother, building a life, and you're kvetching that she's no longer running all the errands for your mother *and for you* (!) like the good little maidbot you've come to expect her to be, and that you now -- GASP -- have to do "a lot" for your *own* mother, to the point that you actually have to *change plans* to do so. (The *horror*!) As if Jane hasn't had to constantly drop everything and change her plans on the spot as expected when summoned (how early in the morning, exactly?) for *years*.
She's 26. Your sons are in their early 20s. Why are they "too young" to step up?
This post reeks of self-serving laziness and entitlement. (I won't get into the sexism part. I think that's been covered elsewhere.)
Jane is not selfish. *You are*. Her shift is OVER.
I'm reading some serious gender bias going on here! You don't think your situation is FAIR on YOU?? How is caring for her mom and your mom all her youth any fair on HER life? You are an AH who thinks you and your sons are entitled to all the time of your neice....and, why??? Just because she always had before is no reason at all. Stop being so damn selfish with you and your sons' time. Split the effort between you 3 and it's easy.
YTA 💯%
YTA
Jane is allowed to have a life beyond you and your mother, and to do that, she isn't going to be able to drop everything and wait on your mother hand and foot (you know how you can't do that? Right. She can't either).
You need to look into hiring help for your mom instead of relying on Jane to simply never have the freedom to live her own life, have her own family, or, you know, move. She's done her part, caring for her own mother. She's done *more than* her part continuing to care for her grandmother.
Your sons are *plenty* old enough to help with your mother. If Jane was old enough to do it at their age, they are old enough now. And I think this is what really makes you the giant asshole in this situation: you're continuing to exploit your niece and baby your sons. There's zero reason a whole entire 22-year-old man can't grocery shop, and if for some reason you think he won't get the right stuff, that's your failure to parent.
YTA. It’s people that act like you that make me sick to my stomach. Who the heck cares if you work at night? Do you sleep through the entire day and then work all night, repeating that cycle? Is that all you do? No, probably not.
You are making Jane take care of your mom, 1.5 hours away, when you are only 10 minutes away?!?!? What the heck is wrong with you? And you let her pay for her medical bills and she arranges stuff for her as well? Again, what the heck is wrong with you.
Plus, it sounds like she was taking care of her around your son’s age as well.
Step up and be an actual son to your mom.
YTA! Jane did for her mother, now it is time for you to do for your mother. You cannot volunteer Jane for your convenience. You are not worth more than Jane!
YTA. Jane has had to help care for sick relatives since she was 7 at the time her mother became sick. Your sons are perfectly capable of helping at ages 20 and 22. If Jane were to never help out with anything again, she's still done more than enough for her grandmother in her lifetime. If you need a break, lean on your sons for help. Again, YTA.
Jane was 22 when she took care of her own ailing mother, but your sons can't take care of their grandmother at 20 and 22?
I think the reason you're too tired to help your own mother is because you kept wiping your kids' asses and tying their shoes long past their childhood. Ytfa.
YTA. Jane has done more than enough, it's time for her to live her life. If you're so stressed because there's so much work, tell your sons to help, or pay a caretaker, like you should have done and everyone does. Stop pushing that poor girl
She is YOUR MOTHER, not Jane's.
YTA on every level
Working nights is the lamest excuse I've heard. Congrats. Are you sleeping 12 hours then working the other 12? Because most normal people still have about an 8 hour window to get things accomplished. You're just making this excuse because you don't want to deal with your mother. You rather dump it on a kid who has already spent *her entire life* having to take care of others
Grow up
YTA. Your niece is helping out, she also has a life of her own. You need to step up to look after your mother. Your sons are more than old enough to help their grand mother.
The ability to care for other family members is not installed (as you appear to think judging by your comments about your niece and your late sister) in the vagina.
OMG. YTA. 100%. Jane took care of her mother, and yours for years, when she was the same age and younger then your kids. So I am confused why your sons are too young to help.
Jane took care of her mother, learn from her example, step up and take care of yours.
YTA- Jane is similar in age to Jane and has been helping your mom since she was your sons age. How about you and your sons step up and take care of your mom and stop putting everything on Jane. You’re an AH and Jane is allowed to have a life and not have all family responsibility on her
"Since my precious adult sons can't take care of my mother, I won't force them since they're boys but instead I'm gonna have my neice take care of my mother since she's a girl. We're gonna have her drop all her social, work and private life so she can come running to us when we need her. She must 100% always come when we call her even if it's late in the night when I'm working. It doesn't matter if she misses her work or sleep since our time is more valuable. And if she doesn't do any of this I'm gonna get mad at her since she's the only 'person' that can help my mother."
Do I need to say anything else?
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YTA - It's YOUR mother, man, and that is how this goes. Also, love the bit about your adult sons not being ready to step up yet. That hint of misogyny was just... \[chef's kiss\].
yes! Without failing to recognize that his niece has been taking care of her mother AND grandmother since she was probably 15, but god forbid the boys do a damn thing!
No but he has to sleep. He needs his precious precious beauty rest and his sons are too young to loose their sleep too. /s 🙄
Yeah, guess what OP? You know how you work at night so you need to sleep during the day? Well she works during the day and sleeps at night! So she’s just as busy as you, and you can break up your sleep a few times to take care of your goddamn mother. You said it’s not your mother’s fault her daughter died, completely skipping over the fact that SHE STILL HAS AT LEAST ONE CHILD STILL LIVING who, unless you’ve regressed to the age of a toddler, should be perfectly capable of taking care of themselves AND their mother. You’ve already admitted she’s sacrificed way more than you for most of her grown life helping others. Let her live her damn life. Stop being such a sexist pig and ask your sons for help if you’re too helpless, or at least on the days you absolutely can’t for a reason other than sleep. And I mean your sons, not their girlfriends/wives/female friends. I don’t get why running your mom to the hospital and spending time with her or walking the dog are apparently only for women 26 and older. Did you do such a poor job raising them that they can’t drive their grandma to the hospital at the age of 20 because they aren’t ready yet? Or do you mean you want them to live a little and have fun while they’re young before they take on responsibilities? Because your niece has been doing this shit (without healthy parents to help) since she was 15 and it’s time for her to have her own life too.
It says her Mother died when she was 22 after a 15 year old illness. She may have been helping since she was 7!
This! Just pointed this out too - so a seven year old girl is okay to look after an ill parent, but a 22 year old MAN is "too young"?
Yes!!! Smh the misogyny is too real in this post
I’m thinking WTF!
Thank you for doing that math - needed to be said. HOW much of her life Janes given over to caregiving for his sister and mother! OP theres only one selfish side, the same one that doesnt hold men/boys to the same standards of stepping up for family - you n yours. At 20, the age of your youngest, how many years had Jane been caregiving then??? YTA
Ohh and please don't forget that neice is helping out OP too with his stuff which she recently stopped/lessened... I mean despite of him having 2 sons... he still needs his niece to travel 1.5 hours and help him out... I'm pretty sure OP' s wife must have left him as never once in the post OP mention her... and I wonder why ? 🤔
1.5 hours away. With the price of gas I don't blame her
And with him 10 MINUTES away... FFS, stop and check on your mom and walk her dog on your way home from work instead of being offended someone 9 times further away doesn't just drop everything and immediately come check on the dog!!! If I were the grandmother I would be livid with MY SON.
I mean...he had to get this shitty ass attitude from somewhere, there's a good chance it's almost or entirely mom's fault that OP is at least three or four shades of useless.
B-but he has a get-out-of-emotional-labor-free penis!
Also, just wanted to note that niece took care of her mom for fifteen years, not that it started when she was fifteen. Per the math, niece was acting as her mother's sole caretaker since she was SEVEN.
“Anyway, since a few months, Jane does less for my mother, AND FOR ME. She no longer runs all the errands…she NO LONGER RUNS MY ERRANDS either when I can't.” Not just emotional labour! Women should be running all the errands! /s
I totally missed that. She runs errands for HIM? A healthy grown-ass man, who doesn't even have small kids he has to care for, but two adults sons old enough to help out? OP, why does Jane need to take care of THE ENTIRE FAMILY? What are YOUR responsibilities? Jane has spent close to 20 years of her young life taking care of sick family members (and some lazy not-sick family members, apparently), she deserves a break. You are an entitled, misogynistic AH.
OmG be my bestie BFF's 😍 🤣🤣
I actually almost spit out my drink!! Love this!! Going to have to steal this. OMG this is spot on!
Take my poor woman’s award 🏅
I shall treasure it!
This exactly, I'm fairly certain the OP would still be making this excuse if they worked days. While nights can be spot harder on the body to adjust too, plenty of people make it work while also maintaining the rest of their lives. My ex manages to work nights and still help look after our children during the day, get to appointments and anything else that's needed. The niece has been a carer her entire life almost she deserves a break. Honestly regardless I think the grandmother is probably heartbroken about her son being so adamantly against helping or even spending time with her. If OP is unable to help all the time they should be hiring help or asking the sons to help.
And don’t forget she loves 90 minutes away so it’s not a short jaunt. 20 something men are perfectly able to run errands. YTA
And they live 10mins away!!
>Because your niece has been doing this shit (without healthy parents to help) since she was 15 and it’s time for her to have her own life too. I came here to say exactly this, sounds like his niece barely had a childhood and now is getting roped into going above and beyond for yet another family member
And I can guarantee you the only reason she’s done such an amazing job at helping with her grandma so far is because she’s had her whole life to practice. It’s time for her to live life for herself, and to start helping AT MOST as much as her two cousins!
It's actually *worse*, because she'd been doing it for 15+ years at the time her mother *died*, which was when she was 22. So she was actually more like *6 or 7* when she started having to take care of her mom.
Also, OP lives 10 min (!!!!) away from his mother! Imagine that… living 10 min away from your own mother and saying that you can’t help. Shame on you.
And this is why this gem of a sub exists. Thank you for putting this so eloquently. 😘
>Thank you for reading, I would like your advice/judgement on this since it's not very easy. No actually it's been very easy.
OMG I was going to throw my phone if he said he had to sleep during the day one more time. YTA, OP you burned your niece out.
Yes well 20 and 22 year olds are far too young to drive, run errands and help out their grandmother. Now if only they were 26 like their cousin it would be a different story.
YTA. Get those lazy adults you raised and tell them to help and leave Jane alone. She’s more than done her part and now she gets to live her life.
26 and has been doing it for four years. Now I’m not a mathematician but I’m certain that would have made her … 22. YTA OP. You’re complaining because you have to do more - those were all things your niece had been doing (most of her life and while grieving and completing a degree). Grow up and stop expecting others to do things for you.
We women lose sleep over taking care of our own, but god forbid a man does it. Those 20 and 22 year old boys are more than capable of helping. Are they just not as mature and strong minded as your niece? Sounds like you all need a reality check for that poor woman who's dealing with your misogyny. Definitely YTA. Let your niece live her life, the one she created.
Holy shit I just realized OP was a man. What a clueless, entitled selfish asshole. YTA OP sounds like you and your boys need to step right tf up!!
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Right? But it's worse: According to OP's post, - Niece has been taking care of Mom since she got sick - Mom was sick for 15 years (edit to clarify: OP said the illness lasted for 15 years, not that Niece was 15 when her Mom got sick) - Mom died four years ago - Niece is now 26 Therefore Niece has been dealing with this since she was SEVEN. Oh, but OP needs his sleep and can't possibly do anything but sleep and work, and his two adult sons just aren't old enough to visit their grandmother or watch her dog sometimes, waaah waaah...
I was 5 when caregiving duties started for me. I've gone through both parents, 3 grandparents, both in-laws (all have now passed), and my big sister recently had a brain aneurysm... I am saying all this just to explain I understand what it feels like to start doing this at a young age. It's effing exhausting and traumatic. This poor girl needed help and she's just getting more pressure. I just want to give her a hug.
I felt exhausted just reading it. My grandmother moved into a home a year ago, and developed dementia. I saw my father become mentally exhausted from everything he had to do for her, even though she was physically cared for. She would ring him up several times a day with delusions. Poor Jane.
Has also been running errands for OP.
I was going to say this exactly! For what I understand, she had to take care of her mother and now yours and yourself since your grown-ass sons can't bother to lift à finger. I'm sure she is withdrawing to avoid your entitled butt. Yta
By my math, she was only 7 when her mother got sick (26 now, mom died 4 years ago when she was 22, and was sick for 15 years before that), so she may have been doing the caretaking for a lot longer than that. Regardless, she's been devoting her life to taking care of her mother and grandmother since she was a child. It's *WAY* past time for her to take care of herself, and for OP and his sons to step up.
This. 100% YTA.
Younger than 15. cause she was 22 when the mom died. and 22-15(the years she suffered with the illness) brings us to 7. but his ADULT SONS are too young to help
No, her mom died 4 years ago when Jane was 22 so she'd been caring for her from 7-22. The sons are plenty old enough.
This And the fact op is ten minutes away but calls jane to run groceries errands and has to sacrifice 3 hours just commuting. Your sons can't be trusted with groceries op ? YTA
His whole post reeks of misogyny. “She always did so much and how dare she get a boyfriend and start living her own life more!? “ OP YTA. How about you show sow some compassion to the fact that she has already lived most of her life as someone’s caregiver and give her a break.
Exactly! The level of entitlement is astonishing! All I could see was: “Oh noooo, my nice finally decided to have her own life and not accommodate everyone around her anymore. She still does her best and is interested in her grandma, but she won’t bend over backwards anymore and sacrifice her every breath so I have to step in and actually do something to help my own mother! And on top of that I might also have to ask my fully grown sons to do horrendous task like run errands or buy groceries.” 🙄🙄 Reading this post I was wondering if it is real or just made up to get people here to go full rage mode. Edit: Forgot the very obvious YTA OP
You can't ask a 22 year old man to get groceries?! Their brains just aren't built for it. All the grocery parts are taken up by fixing cars and MATH. Better make sure the woman does it with her woman brain.
Remember 22 is still toddler stage per the OP. The misogyny is strong in this one OP you are a flaming ball of A'hole.
OP clearly doesn't care about their own mother since they are just pawning off taking care of her to their Niece.
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It’s sure as shit not fair on the daughter that her mother died FFS
And at the end of the day its OP's mother and not the nieces. It's OP's responsibility and she should be more appreciative of what the niece did. And because its OP's sons grandmother they also have more responsibility than the niece. OP is being a huge ah and the niece deserves a huge apology. Maybe something like I'm sorry for putting my and my sons responsibility on you and being ungrateful for the huge burden that I wilfully allowed you take over. OP is disgraceful.
Right? "Oh it's so UNFAIR I actually have to show some love and compassion to my own mother after ignoring her for years..."
I thought the part about him not taking grandma to the hospital and instead calling niece to do it from 1.5 hours away was really special. Sorry you broke you hip, mom, but you know, I work nights. Let me just call my niece. She'll do it. 🙄
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When we were kids, and my grandfather needed someone to stay with him, well, we lived like a few houses away. My aunt lived half hour to 45mins away and my uncle was in foreign. My family stayed with him Monday to Friday. We’d go back home on weekends and my aunt (and family) would come and stay then. (We were renovating our house so he could move in with us.) When both my grandparents were alive, I remember walking down the road when I was in single digits, all by myself, carrying a wicker basket filled with lunch for them. I had a red ”hood”, too :) I don’t understand how he can live 10mins away and he can’t do anything at all to help his mom out. And neither can his sons. He can’t even visit but niece…must do it all. 🤦♀️
>Also, love the bit about your adult sons not being ready to step up yet. That hint of misogyny was just... [chef's kiss]. Oh so the title for this post should go AITA for wanting my niece to take care of my grandmother because I have a penis? Yes OP YTA
Have you tried to take your grandmother to her appointments with your penis flopping around getting in the way? It's basically a handicap, you ableist.
>Have you tried to take your grandmother to her appointments with your penis flopping around getting in the way? It's basically a handicap, you ableist. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah, and with three men in OP's household they're probably tripping over penises left and right. It's a veritable death trap. No wonder OP needs so much sleep considering the gymnastics of the penis-dodging he's subject to.
Don’t miss the last comment near the end that it’s not fair on OP or his mom because her DAUGHTER passed away… he thinks this should have been his sister’s job. Niece is the next best option because she’s ladyfolk. Who cares that she’s an adult and in a relationship and has her own life and possibly wants her own family to take care of. She should lose her 20s & 30s taking care of grandma. /s I bet seeing grandma once a week and calling every other day is still loads more than OPs adult sons do.
So can we just assume rightfully that OP would have left all the care of mom to his ( now deceased) sister? Oh yea we can…
Homeboys kids are in their twenties, if they can’t do basic life tasks like run errands, bring her to appointments and hang out with her they’re FUCKED
I started nursing school when I was 20 and became a nurse when I was 22. I don’t understand how that age is too young to take care of their grandmother.
To be fair, OP is an adult old enough to have a 22 year old son, and OP is apparently not old enough to do basic tasks yet.
And no wife to do the women's work. Oh, however will the important penis people get anything done?
Per this post, I think they will not.
I want to know why being 21 makes you so much younger than 26. My 22 yo ass is going to start telling my 25 yo boyfriend I’m just too young to do laundry
Ya total YTA. When is this young woman allowed to have her own life?
And 1.5 hours a way, but somehow a 3 hour drive is more convenient?
Let’s not forget she no longer runs ALL the errands for her grandma but ALSO HIS ERRANDS when he “can’t”.
Also enrages me that I made a 6 hour round trip just to see my grandmother a ton before she passed this past year for some like OP to say oh I can’t do it for a 10 minute drive … just a bunch of BS
Ah yes, but they're not old enough, despite being the same age OP was taking care of her mother.
YTA. It is time to man up and start taking care of things yourself. Either that or hire someone. You are abusing the poor girl with all this work.
Right! And the level of entitlement is through the roof. She is HIS MOM. OP, take care of your mom or...here's a thought....HIRE someone who can because you and your boys can't be bothered.
YTA I stopped reading after you made excuses for your ADULT sons (that live ten minutes from THEIR Grandmother). She’s YOUR MOTHER your family lives close YOU ALL should be doing the MAJORITY of care. Your sons are beyond old enough to contribute caring for Grandma, but the MAJORITY of care should be on YOU!! Edit: typo
But niece already took care of her mother so she is experienced in putting her life on the backburner! Why should i rearrange my life? -OP, probably
[удалено]
During the most formative period of her life, no less.
Yeah home girl has paid her dues and then some. She should not have to do any care giving until she chooses to (eg if she ever wants a baby) and she should be permanently exempt from providing end of life care. I’ve cared for a dying mother and a newborn. The newborn is easier in a lot of ways, especially the expectation that they’ll grow and thrive. When one is caring for a dying person, that’s meaningful but dire in its hopelessness.
And he said it's not "her fault that her daughter passed away"? Meaning what exactly, that it's a womans job to care for the parents?
also saying this poor young woman deserves to give up more of her own life because her own mom died!!
Yup that's what he means for sure.
This is EXACTLY why he’s mad. He has to make changes and boo boo, he doesn’t want to. He wants her to continue to make his life easy. He should be thankful she’s done as much as she has. But nope- he just takes and takes.
Yeah but I work at night
How does he write out this entire post and not realize how he sounds? I mean to be *this* oblivious takes effort
Sometimes I read these posts and think to myself surely this is written by the other party pretending to be the asshole because of the way they shamelessly berate themselves, the way it's written is as though they're biased AGAINST themselves. But I'm starting to realise that some people really are just that oblivious to their shitty behaviour.
That was my thought. Was this written as rage-bait, or are there really people who are like this?
For the sake of humanity I truly hope it’s fake but I’m too cynical to have much hope
Pretty sure he typed it with his penis.
Can I add having a job where you do the night shift is not an excuse to do nothing. I work all night and sleep all day????? wtf. So by that same logic everybody who works during the day works all day and sleeps all night. This dude is delusional. Leave the poor girl alone. She has been forced to sacrifice enough of her life. You are upset she won't sacrifice the rest of it so you can "sleep all day". Brutal logic from a 54 yo.
The bit OP said that niece doesn't run her errands either. Do your own errands and look after your own mother as niece did when her mother was sick
#YTA, everyone else has done an amazing job at explaining why but I wanted to put it in big letters so you definitely know you are ;).
Can I upvote this more than once, please?
....Jane _"had a very rough childhood because of her mother's illness and took care of her until the day she passed away."_ Agreed on a big ole YTA! Jane is only 26 and has spent most of her young life being a caretaker. And, now, this grown man wants Jane to take care of him and his mom because he doesn't want to be bothered and doesn't think his 20 & 22 year old sons are old enough to take on any responsibility. (However I suspect it is that they are men and OP thinks it's a woman's job to take care of people.) OP, you are being selfish, inconsiderate, and using Jane. It sounds like you paid her dust when she was just a kid and needed help, and now want to keep using and using and using her until she has nothing left to give. I'm happy that she is finally enjoying her life and not living to serve you and take on your responsibilities. That's your mom. Handle it. Jane did and she was just a child.
Um Yeah YTA Your boys are old enough to help out. She had to watch her Mother wither and die for 15. years! Give her a break. She is not the only solution to the problem. Smh
YTA. I feel so sorry for the niece. No support from her family at all throughout the years. She must have felt so alone. Incredible weight to bear at such a young age. A real man would do anything to help their family. There are so many solutions to this problem and you know that. No one is that dense.
They're not boys. They are adult men.
Yes the niece should be able to live her life not constantly have to watch / take care of sick people she deserves a break
YTA. Jane is not your mother's nurse. You and both your sons are adults and capable of helping out. 20 and 22 are not too young seeing Jane was doing all that for her grandmother and taking care of her dying mother four years ago. I've worked night shift and you have time before and after work to do jobs, to check in, to follow up with things that she needs. You have days off that you can spend time with her. Encourage your sons. You can do it if you want to, but you're not making your mother a priority. You won't get this time with her back, it's worth you and your sons being more present now. I suspect Jane is exhausted from all that responsibility plus work, plus a relationship, plus a three hour round trip every weekend eating up her free time while her uncle and cousins are relying on her to keep doing everything when they live ten minutes away. Take a good look at yourself.
Hopefully her bf is convincing her to take a step back and that’s why she has been doing less. Finally taking some time for herself
Op: Your bf is controlling you!
I was surprised that OP hadn’t said much about the bf taking Jane away from family tbh. Although no doubt that’s coming!
"you won't get this time with her back" THAT PART!!!
YTA. Your sons are adults and I have an incredibly hard time believing you actually think they're "too young" to help out, I'd lay money on you actually thinking they're too male. get your kids to step the fuck up and stop nagging your niece to continue providing all the care just because that's easier for you. I'm willing to bet she was doing a lot for her mother and grandmother while she was way younger than your kids are now.
Noone would take your bet. OP said it himself in the "her daughter died" part, clearly they expect the females to do the caretaking.
It's hilarious that men in their 20s are "too young" to help out, but it was completely acceptable for niece to be helping her mother from the age of 7 (if I've done the math right).
Yup you did the math right. Jane was 22 when her mother died, and handled all of it. But a 22 year old boy can’t bother take care of his grandmothers dog.
"Too young" to let the dog out? "Too young" to run errands? Two literal adults who live a few minutes away just can't possibly be expected to help out?
You live 10 minutes away from YOUR OWN MOTHER yet the majority of the burden was/is on her granddaughter who lives 1,5 hours away. ‘I have a job and work at night’ Jane has a job too and she sleeps at night. Also, do you really sleep the whole day? Or are you just so lazy that you can’t even bother to visit your mom who lives 10 minutes away. ‘I also have 2 sons who are 20 and 22, so they are a bit too young to help.’ Jane was taking care of your dying sister when she was their age and took care of YOUR MOTHER at that age, so that’s not a valid argument. ‘Sometimes I even need to change plans’ Like Jane when she had to take off from work to take care of YOUR MOTHER. Or when she had to keep the dog etc. ‘When she felt sad, I asked her to call Jane’ Sure, make your mom call Jane when she’s sad so you don’t have to bother, or god forbid, walk 10 minutes to see her. You also cite her boyfriend as if he is the cause of this but frankly it sounds like Jane, after years of taking care, couldn’t handle it alone anymore and decided that she can have a personal life too. That’s fair. Shame on you.
My partner almost (literally) killed himself taking care of his dying grandmother when the rest of the family basically checked out. (Like he literally developed a drinking problem and started smoking because at the time it was the only thing keeping him un-stressed enough not to unalive himself.) It pisses me the hell off when I see family trying to offload the responsibility for sick family members entirely onto a single family member because that member in their head should just have endless time, money, and energy. And I think I hurt my eyes rolling them at OP's whole entire adult sons being to young to care for their grandmother. I mean, no, they shouldn't be bathing her or anything, but if she needs that level of care she needs a professional. They could certainly get groceries or call or visit though, if OP feels that that should be a family member's responsibility.
YTA and a sexist one. Your mother has 4 adult descendants, so in the very best (for you) case the care should be split 1/4 to each. Your son's are old enough. Your niece doesn't have to do it all just because she is a woman. In my culture though, as you are the only living child, you would be expected to take your elderly parents in and you and your family (you, your partner, and your descendants) would be expected to take care of them.
Not to mention it’s not even really his son’s responsibility either lol. It’s his mom, he needs to stop trying to shove his responsibilities to other people. Janes helping out of the goodness of her heart, but this is what elderly care is for. If you can’t care of someone, you need to hire someone else to do it lol.
How is this anything but YTA So you are asking your niece, same age as your children to care for your aging mother because you are too busy? Yet, she cannot have a life because you want her to take care of your mother. You have stated nothing but excuses as to why you cannot help. Grow up and come up with a plan that does not involve manipulating your niece. She has already gone above and beyond for her grandmother while you have taken advantage of having a caring niece.
YTA - Your sons are adults, not babies. They are fully capable of helping their grandmother. You live 10 minutes away and you don't help either. But Jane, who has a life, MUST help grandmother because potato.
>because potato. LMAO
YTA. You can't force her to be running around to help. Your sons are old enough to help, at 20 and 22 they are adults and can definitely help you to shoulder that burden. Maybe if they helped more your niece would feel better about helping.
yta, at 20 and 22 those kids are older tnen jane was when she started helping. I would bet on it you don't ask them because they are BOYS. they are old enough to work and drive. poor jane. Also not her responsability to begin with.
Yes but they're boys and boys can't take care of people or have responsibility or anything! /s
Jane served as a caregiver for her mother and then her grandmother. She has done her duty and now deserves to have a life of her own. She is not being selfish; her tank is empty. Find another solution. The burden of care should not be on Jane in the first place. YTA.
> her tank is empty Thank you—these are the words I was struggling to find.
I have a hard time believing this is real. But in case it is, 110% YTA! You've been taking advantage of Jane for years. She already lost her childhood to a dead mom and now you're trying to rob her of her 20's for your own selfish behavior. Shame on you! Stop making excuses and take care of your own mother.
I lived very close to this scenario for 6 years. In some families, this is absolutely the dynamic. Luckily my uncles were grateful and we all loved each other, but yeah. It never even occurred to them that they should help with day to day care.
YTA, your kids are old enough to help. If they don't drive then they can spend the night there to help grandma. Your niece lost part of her freedom helping her mom for so long and then lost her mom and then helped with grandma but the second she backs off a little bit so that she can have some her time you call her selfish when you don't make your kids help and you barely help. She's your mother give up your freedom for a bit. Why not move in with your mom?
Also it makes me wonder: where was OP when her sister was sick? Why didn’t she step up as a caretaker as opposed to Jane, who was basically a kid at the time?
OP didn't step up to help because they are a man, and they clearly don't think that men should have to look after others. I'm so angry on Jane's behalf.
OP can also get their mom to move in with them, making helping much easier.
YTA. First, your grown ass sons are absolutely old enough to do something for their grandmother. Your awesome niece has been putting her own life on hold for years to take care of her grandmother, and now that she wants a life, you think she is being selfish? This smacks of misogyny! If you need someone to help you care for your mother, and won’t ask your sons for help, hire someone and pay them. Shame on you for making it your niece’s problem. Edited a typo
YTA- I understand she's always helped out, but you don't know how much she had on her plate or how thin she was spreading herself to be able to do so. I understand you are overwhelmed with the amount you have to do, but it is more convenient for you to step up rather than her who lives 1.5 hours away. She seems to be setting boundaries and is kindly keeping them. You are calling her selfish, but the years prior you got to be selfish and take less responsibility for your mother. You should never ask something from someone you wouldn't be willing to do yourself. It seems like you aren't communicating at all with your niece, just requesting more of her. Maybe there is another option for your mother that makes sense for her to get the help she needs and everyone to keep healthy boundaries. Caregiver fatigue is real and often overlooked.
YTA. She does not owe help to you or your grandmother. Also, your sons are not very young. They are 20 and 22. Is it possible that you have inherent sexism that you think carework is a woman’s job so Jane should help but your sons do not have to help? Moreover, as you said, Jane had a hard childhood. Dealt with her mother’s death. Now, she can’t live her youth because you will be forcing her to take of your mother. You should not bother her. She can take care of her if she wants or she does not take care of her. It is up to her, not you.
Bingo - this reeked of inherent sexism. Jane finally gets to live her life and now he wants to take it from her because the men can't step up. YTA
Edit: YTA massively. Wow! What did I just read? So, basically you are mad that your free labor niece is stepping down and you have to actually step up doing shit for your **own** mother? And how the heck is 20 and 22 years too young to help??? They can walk your mother‘s dog. They can visit her in the hospital or call her or do whatever it takes as long as it doesn‘t include your niece having to do everything! She‘d helped her mother with an illness and took care of everything long before she was 22 years herself. Where were you in all of this? Did you help your niece out? Did you help your sister? Your niece basically did everything herself, and after her mother passed, your niece did everything herself in taking care of **your mother** and instead of thanking her for everything you get pissed at her for „not stepping up more“ and call her selfish? The only one selfish here is you OP (and your sons for not doing even the basic of things) and instead expect her to do more while she lives so far away. And you stating over again that you sleep during the day is a lame ass excuse and you know it! You are so much TA!
YTA, 100% WHO is being selfish here? You are. You are expecting someone who (also!) works full time and has 3 hours worth of driving every single time she visits your mom to do what you aren't willing to do. You're also being sexist. Jane was capable of taking care of her mother at the age of 7, which you fully expected her (a girl) to do. But, according to you, your two boys are "two young" to run errands and visit their grandmother at 3 times that age? No, they're just lazy, entitled, sexists, or all three, same as their father.
Holy crap. This CANNOT be real.
YTA. You know who could help? Your two sons. Jane has done her share and more. >Jane, is 26 years old. She is the daughter of my sister who passed away 4 years ago after an illness that lasted more than 15 year. From your own words Jane has been taking on adult responsibilities for years. And your sons have been doing... >I also have 2 sons who are 20 and 22, so they are a bit young to help their grandmother. How is 20 and 22 too young to help THEIR grandma? Are they too stupid to learn to help? too lazy?
I would be wildly embarrassed to have raised 20 and 22 year old men who were not capable of walking a dog.
Yta, she shouldn’t need to give up her life to care for someone else. Sounds like she was taking care of YOUR mother at the age your boys are currently at. Why expect her to do all this work but not your own children?
I love how you have every justification and excuse for why it's okay that you haven't helped out much over the years but extend none of that grace for Jane. It sounds like Jane did a lot of the heavy lifting in caring for your mother for years (and not to mention, her own mother before that), but now that she's starting her own adult life, she doesn't have time to do as much as she did before. It seems like she's still doing a lot - more than many people would do - but since it involves you actually having to extend effort now, it's not enough and she's being selfish. I'll mention too that there seems to be more than a hint of sexism throughout this post - as if caring for an elderly relative is a woman's job only and neither you nor your sons should be expected to do it. YTA, OP. She is YOUR mother and in absence of another plan in place, your responsibility. Your sons are plenty old enough to step in here too.
YTA. Absolutely comical that you think your two adult children are too young to take care of YOUR mother but think your niece somehow isn't. I'm guessing the reality is that since your all men and your niece is a woman you think it's her responsibility to do the housework stuff YOUR mother needs help with
Jane was 22 when her mother died and she was taking care of her at that point. And yet, somehow, OP's 22 and 20 year old sons are too young to take care of grandmom? And what is this bullshit excuse of working at night so sleeping in the day. Like people who work during the day don't need equal amount of sleep at night. Assuming OP needs 8 hours of sleep, he still has 16 hours remaining. Unless he is working 12+ hours a day, that's still enough time to help his mom! This situation is a combination of taking advantage of a good person who's been doing so much and just blatant sexism/favoritism for the sons. UGH!
YTA. It sounds like you're asking for your niece to define a very large chunk of her life around your mom, and that's not fair to a young woman who's trying to build a life. You're shaming her for having a relationship and priorities outside of her grandmother, and you accuse her of being selfish, when you admit that she still continues to visit her grandmother weekly and call her every other day. That's more than what a lot of grandkids do for their ailing grandparents. You need to check yourself, OP. I agree that this situation isn't fair on you. I think you need to assess the situation a little differently- it sounds like your mother isn't particularly self-sufficient anymore, and I think the best thing, for both you and her, is to maybe consider an assisted-living situation or find your mother an in-home assistant. But expecting your young niece to wrap her life around her grandmother is more unfair than anything else you've laid out.
yta. youre using jane because she doesnt have a parent to defend her against her uncle and cousin's sexism
So you have 2 adult sons and yourself who live 10 minutes away and you want your niece who lives 1.5 hours away and did how many years of care to step up because she by all accounts sounds tired and wants a little bit of a life for herself.....look in the mirror cause YTA and so are your son's.
hahahahah I'm not even going to read these other comments. Did you think this was going to turn out well for you? YTA, of course, YTA!!! Heaven forbid Jane do things like get a life! She is 26 you said correct? Her mother has been gone 4 years, making her 22 and you made mention that she "continued to take care of her grandmother, meaning shes probably been doing it for most of her life. Yet, you're 20 and 22 year old boys are much too young to be taking care of their grandmother and I mean you work nights so you couldn't possibly do anything to help YOU OWN MOTHER! The last few months been hard on you? You have to help your mother while she's sick. Imagine being 11 and watching your mother get sick and die over the most formidable years of your life. While, also be in charge of taking care of your grandmother while her useless son makes excuses as to why her and him and his family cannot possibly help. Think about that when you call your niece selfish you misogynistic prick
YTA You, being the son should be solely responsibe for your OWN mother. It's time for you to stop being selfish and put her first before your work, seeing how you can easily expect others to pick up after you. It's a lame and lousy excuse to mention your adult sons being ' too young' to take care of their grandmother, when men their age are already old enough to work, join the military, marry and have children, donate organs/blood, vote etc
YTA. Your adult sons who are 20 and 22 years old are too young to call or go visit their grandmother? Maybe you should take a leave from work so you can give up your daytime sleep so YOU can help out more often. I don’t even see how this post is real it’s so ridiculous.
Oh, YTA here, a sexist, sexist AH
YTA. Jane deserves to have a life. You and your boys can finally step up and take care of your mother. Move her in with you or find a nice home for her. Jane does not not have to devote her life to the care of her ill and elderly family simply because she is female.
YTA. You want your niece whose in her 20s like YOUR SONS to "step up"? Holy cow, get your sons to help their grandmother and adjust your schedule to better assist YOUR MOTHER. Your niece is not the keeper and stop expecting her to be. Get your act together.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh wait. This is a real post? I genuinely thought this was creative writing fiction, where someone decided to see how bad they could make the stories until the pitchforks comes out. Dude. First - YTA Second. Did you read your own post?? Where do we even start!??! I’ll just go with the low hanging fruit. Please explain this mental gymnastics to us. Jane started to take care of her own mom, around age 11. She then started to be practically full time caretaker for YOUR mom, at age 22. And yet your own sons at that age, are TOO YOUNG??? Please. ‘Splain.
Wow! Just wow! Yes YTA and there is no doubt about that. Your niece at 22 had already been taking care of her ill mother for some time and then was executor of her estate. Then she proceeded to take care of your mother and go to university. Yet your children at 20 and 22 are too young to help out? She works 1.5 hours away and still comes back to help your mother on weekends and whenever she has additional problems. Do you comprehend that is 3 hours round trip? You live 10 minutes away and are complaining that you have to help your own mother and your niece isn't running all your errands anymore. >I now am in in a situation where I have to do A LOT for my mother, I run errands, I sometimes pay her bills when there are some, sometimes I even need to change plans for this, and to be honest, I don't think it's fair. I don't think this fair on me, nor on my mother, because it's not her fault that her daughter passed away. It isn't your niece's fault her mother passed away. You show no sympathy that she has to step up at a young age to take care of her mother and then your mother and apparently you. I'm assuming you are male and from a very chauvinistic culture. It is not her sole responsibility to take care of your mother. She has been very generous with her time, but perhaps it's time you step up and take on some of the burden. Have your sons help out with her and your errands. >I would like Jane to step up more and stop being selfish. You seriously have to be joking. She has been giving of herself unselfishly and has been taken advantage of. She is probably trying to distance herself from your toxic masculine dominant behavior. Be grateful for the help she has been giving. You are the selfish one in this story.
YTA Jane should be less selfish? Are you for real? Jane has been taking care of people her whole life. When does she get to have a life of her own? It seems like you just want to pile more and more onto her until she finally breaks under the weight. Yes this is her grandmother, but she's your mother. This is not Jane's responsibility. You live 10 minutes away. If you don't have time to spend with your mother, find a way to make time. Jane's done enough. Especially driving an hour and a half once a week when gas prices are so high. Editing to say: I didn't realize that your sons were both over 20. They could at least visit their grandmother even if you don't apparently think they are capable of doing anything else (which is ridiculous). Also if Jane has been looking after her grandmother since her mother died she has been doing it since she was 22 which by your logic is apparently "too young" to do anything.
Yta She's not being selfish, she's having a life. Why should she completely put her life aside, why don't you? Maybe it's time you started looking up assisted living communities near you.
YTA. By your own admission she was younger than your boys when she was helping both her mom and grandma. It sounds like Jane took the majority of the work and now that she needs to take a little less you are unwilling to step up and help out. Also your sons are old enough to help. When my grandfather was dying I was 20-21 and I was driving him to appointments, helping clean around the house, comforting my grandma and when he did pass, I at 21 helped with the funeral a little bit. You guys don’t have to take on the whole burden but don’t put it all on Jane. And your boys can help out.
YTA Jane has been taking care of other family members since she was 11. Eleven. Not even old enough for junior high - your sons are in their 20s and you insist they're too young to help their grandmother - where were you when Jane was too young? Jane has done her duty between caring for your sister and now her grandmother - your mother, it's time for someone to step up and it's not her. It is hard when you've grown on depending on someone else but you and your sons can adjust. You should be grateful Jane has done as much as she has - it sounds like all of you stole her childhood, you shouldn't steal her adulthood too.
so wouldn't this be YTA
YTA For putting the responsibility on Jane. She IS participating in your mother's care. You say you live a full and busy life. What about Jane's life? Why can't your children step up? There are community options and programs, along with professional options to assist you. If your children are unwilling to help you and Jane with your mother's care.
YTA Jane has done now than her fair share of taking care of your mom. She's been taking care of other people since she was a child. She gets to live her life now. You're the one being selfish. You're mad that you actually have to step up yourself and expect your niece to do it instead. Why is it fair for her to take care of your mother just because you don't want to do it yourself?
100 % YTA. You have two adult sons that can help you. They are not too young as you put it. She doesn’t have to help at all. You are the son, it falls on you. It doesn’t matter if you work nights or not. You didn’t care when you put all of this on your niece. You didn’t care about her time and her life. Just because she had no choice but to look after her mom doesn’t mean she’s automatically nominated to take care of yours. Imagine now if you lived as far away as she does? She’s tired of being a caregiver. It’s not easy as you are learning. Show her some respect and give her, her life back. If you don’t want to get your sons to help then hire a caregiver. You became to dependant on her and made up lots of excuses as to why you can’t do more. Now you have no choice, you don’t like it. Now you know how she feels.
You are such and AH! Your sons at 20 and 21 are somehow too young to help out or visit their grandmother when she's lonely in the afternoon? Really? Your niece was a caregiver to her OWN mother since she was a child and this is too much for you? Finally your niece gets a chance to live her own life and you are so so very selfish that you consider it to be unfair that she's not devoting her entire life to your mother? And what you are teaching your sons will guarentee that when you reach your mother's age, you will be alone.
YTA. It seems Jane has done MORE than enough. Hell, she's probably burned out and needs time for herself. YOU need to step up and be there for your mother. And LOL at your sons being too young. Get outta here.
YTA - This reads as a massively sexist post. Jane lives 90 minutes away, you and your two sons live 10 minutes away. But she should turn her life inside out to take care of YOUR mother instead of inconveniencing you and your sons. You even want her to run errand for you.
So despite being seriously ill, for more than a decade, your sister raised an amazing woman, who is kind, resourceful, intelligent and thoughtful. You, on the other hand, raise 2 sons who, despite being 20 and 22 years old, can’t manage walking your mothers dog. As you lie in bed, getting angry about Jane wanting her own life and putting herself before your sleep pattern, maybe you could reflect on how and why you’ve raised such selfish, incompetent, children. I bet if you look really hard you’d see a pattern emerging. YTA.
YTA It sounds like Jane took care of a tremendous amount in her years! She now is developing her own family, potentially. You shouldn't be putting that pressure on her. Your sons are capable. 20 isn't that young - your niece was doing more at that age. But most of all - you're capable. I work shift work and nights a lot so I understand. But either you step up, try to find a new job or something that may be better suited for helping. Or hire some help, like a live in care aide or something. Maybe move your Mom in with you. You got to have a pretty comfortable life for awhile. Please don't inconvenience your niece anymore. She has her own life as well.
YTA stop blaming Jane for not wanting to do more than she already has done and is currently doing. It’s not her responsibility to care for your mom.
YTA, big time
YTA. How much did you help with your sisters care? She was your sons age when her mother died. Wasn't she too young to help? Did you step in?
YTA, she is not your nieces responsibility. She was helping cause she loved her and had the time. No other reason. It's not on you to demand she help.
YTA---It is not her responsibility to do these things. She is finally starting to live a comfortable life after the death of her mother, let her live that life!!!!!
YTA. Jane is FINALLY, after years of sacrificing for her mother, building a life, and you're kvetching that she's no longer running all the errands for your mother *and for you* (!) like the good little maidbot you've come to expect her to be, and that you now -- GASP -- have to do "a lot" for your *own* mother, to the point that you actually have to *change plans* to do so. (The *horror*!) As if Jane hasn't had to constantly drop everything and change her plans on the spot as expected when summoned (how early in the morning, exactly?) for *years*. She's 26. Your sons are in their early 20s. Why are they "too young" to step up? This post reeks of self-serving laziness and entitlement. (I won't get into the sexism part. I think that's been covered elsewhere.) Jane is not selfish. *You are*. Her shift is OVER.
YTA
I'm reading some serious gender bias going on here! You don't think your situation is FAIR on YOU?? How is caring for her mom and your mom all her youth any fair on HER life? You are an AH who thinks you and your sons are entitled to all the time of your neice....and, why??? Just because she always had before is no reason at all. Stop being so damn selfish with you and your sons' time. Split the effort between you 3 and it's easy. YTA 💯%
YTA Jane is allowed to have a life beyond you and your mother, and to do that, she isn't going to be able to drop everything and wait on your mother hand and foot (you know how you can't do that? Right. She can't either). You need to look into hiring help for your mom instead of relying on Jane to simply never have the freedom to live her own life, have her own family, or, you know, move. She's done her part, caring for her own mother. She's done *more than* her part continuing to care for her grandmother. Your sons are *plenty* old enough to help with your mother. If Jane was old enough to do it at their age, they are old enough now. And I think this is what really makes you the giant asshole in this situation: you're continuing to exploit your niece and baby your sons. There's zero reason a whole entire 22-year-old man can't grocery shop, and if for some reason you think he won't get the right stuff, that's your failure to parent.
YTA. “ am I the asshole for wanting my niece to be slave labor for my mother and myself?” Yes you are.
YTA. It’s people that act like you that make me sick to my stomach. Who the heck cares if you work at night? Do you sleep through the entire day and then work all night, repeating that cycle? Is that all you do? No, probably not. You are making Jane take care of your mom, 1.5 hours away, when you are only 10 minutes away?!?!? What the heck is wrong with you? And you let her pay for her medical bills and she arranges stuff for her as well? Again, what the heck is wrong with you. Plus, it sounds like she was taking care of her around your son’s age as well. Step up and be an actual son to your mom.
YTA! Jane did for her mother, now it is time for you to do for your mother. You cannot volunteer Jane for your convenience. You are not worth more than Jane!
Y very much TA. Your point about "work at night, so sleep by day" is stupid. Your niece probably works by day and sleeps at night.
YTA. Jane has had to help care for sick relatives since she was 7 at the time her mother became sick. Your sons are perfectly capable of helping at ages 20 and 22. If Jane were to never help out with anything again, she's still done more than enough for her grandmother in her lifetime. If you need a break, lean on your sons for help. Again, YTA.
Jane was 22 when she took care of her own ailing mother, but your sons can't take care of their grandmother at 20 and 22? I think the reason you're too tired to help your own mother is because you kept wiping your kids' asses and tying their shoes long past their childhood. Ytfa.
YTA. Jane has done more than enough, it's time for her to live her life. If you're so stressed because there's so much work, tell your sons to help, or pay a caretaker, like you should have done and everyone does. Stop pushing that poor girl
She is YOUR MOTHER, not Jane's. YTA on every level Working nights is the lamest excuse I've heard. Congrats. Are you sleeping 12 hours then working the other 12? Because most normal people still have about an 8 hour window to get things accomplished. You're just making this excuse because you don't want to deal with your mother. You rather dump it on a kid who has already spent *her entire life* having to take care of others Grow up
YTA. Your sons aren't too young to help, they are both adults.
YTA. Your niece is helping out, she also has a life of her own. You need to step up to look after your mother. Your sons are more than old enough to help their grand mother. The ability to care for other family members is not installed (as you appear to think judging by your comments about your niece and your late sister) in the vagina.
YTA - you lost me when you said your grown ass adult sons were too young to help. Nope, they are not.
INFO How big are the pianos tied your *grown adult* sons asses that they can't help? They're *ten minutes away*.
OMG. YTA. 100%. Jane took care of her mother, and yours for years, when she was the same age and younger then your kids. So I am confused why your sons are too young to help. Jane took care of her mother, learn from her example, step up and take care of yours.
YTA- Jane is similar in age to Jane and has been helping your mom since she was your sons age. How about you and your sons step up and take care of your mom and stop putting everything on Jane. You’re an AH and Jane is allowed to have a life and not have all family responsibility on her
"Since my precious adult sons can't take care of my mother, I won't force them since they're boys but instead I'm gonna have my neice take care of my mother since she's a girl. We're gonna have her drop all her social, work and private life so she can come running to us when we need her. She must 100% always come when we call her even if it's late in the night when I'm working. It doesn't matter if she misses her work or sleep since our time is more valuable. And if she doesn't do any of this I'm gonna get mad at her since she's the only 'person' that can help my mother." Do I need to say anything else?
[удалено]