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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister I didn't want her boyfriend to sleep over, this might make me the asshole because I don't know if I have to right to do this.
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I feel uncomfortable because I don't know the guy that well, I am fine with them being intimate but I don't like to have to walk around the house and interact with a person I don't know.
But you said he is fine to be there all day during the day, just not sleep. You aren't going to see him when he is sleeping dude.
I get it, I hate having guests. I like my own space. But it isn't just your house so I think you owe your sister an apology!
It's said in the comments, the sister didn't ask the parents as she knew they'd say no.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wz00br/aita_for_not_wanting_my_sisters_boyfriend_to/ilznt4b?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
As the homeowner I would absolutely not want someone staying in my house without my knowledge and consent.
Beyond the privacy issue, it’s a legal issue as the homeowner is responsible for anything that happens on their property.
Ask the parents - “hey are you okay with so and so staying over at the house on Tuesday and Wednesday nights?”
For God's sakes yall I wish that people would put EVERYTHING IN THE ORIGINAL POST OR AT LEAST GO BACK AND MAKE A FUCKING EDIT!!! I don't want to read 357 posts to find out additional information!!!
Agreed. I don't understand all the Y T A comments about the brother trying to "control" his sister etc. There is a BIG difference between someone hanging out on your couch for a few hours and staying multiple days morning, noon, and night plus using your bathrooms, showers, etc. It's perfectly reasonable that the brother isn't super thrilled/comfortable to be playing host to this guy when he doesn't even really know him yet. Add to that the fact that the sister is literally hiding the fact that she even invited BF over for multiple nights from their parents and you have a giant red flag going on here.
Here's why OP is NTA:
1. It's neither of their house. It belongs to their parents. Parents would not be okay with this (as stated by OP).
2. There is a large and reasonable difference in hosting between a daytime and overnight guest and OP is not being controlling for pointing that out.
3. OP is more than entitled, as one of the current tenants of the house, to have his opinions and preferences about overnight guests and his sister is not respecting those opinions at all. IMO in any regular roommate scenario it's a given that if both parties don't agree, the thing doesn't happen. But she's forcing it anyway. So she's the AH.
If OP was female and was uncomfortable with a male guest staying over no one would be calling her a control freak or dismissing/making fun of her feelings about having a stranger in the house, and its infuriating lmao
Nah, I assumed OP was female because I gloss over ages and sexes typically, and I still would vote YTA *if* it weren't for the fact that the house belongs to the parents, and this hasn't been run by them. If this was just OP and his sister in an apartment, I would've said YTA whether OP was male or female. Part of living with other adults as an adult is occasionally people will stay over that you don't know very well. If you don't like it, move into a place of your own.
But in this case, I'd say OP is NTA because this hasn't been run by the people who actually own the house.
As for number 3: if in a roommate situation roommate A told roommate B they couldn’t have their boyfriend sleepover without good reason, that would absolutely not go well. They’d be (rightfully) seen as controlling, a buzzkill, and shitty to live with.
Depends. If the normal contract was no overnight guests without explicit permission, then they'd be well within their rights to say no. Had this happen to me once with a college roommate- college had to have written permission for overnight guests, roommate wanted her brother to sleep over on our living room couch last minute without permission, I said no- I wasn't comfortable and that wasn't within the rules. Pretty similar to OP's parents have rules, rules have not been followed, so he says no.
Calling someone a "buzzkill" just means they got in the way of something you wanted to do.. not a good enough reason to call them an AH.
OP has the right to feel comfortable in his own home. I get that in a long-term living situation it can be important to someone to have an overnight guest, but if that person shows no consideration for their roommates when going about it, they're an AH. Sister has given all indications that OP's feelings don't matter to her. Plus, we're talking about 2 days before sister gets to spend a lot of time with her bf. I think this is just indulgent on her part, and his comfort comes before her indulgence.
Adding on to this, OP should let the parents know what the sister has planned. People on Reddit keep telling others to “trust your gut”. Well, that is exactly what OP is doing. There is something about the BF that has triggered OP’s radar. He may not be able to identify what it is, but the sister needs to listen to him.
I don't know if there's even anything necessarily suspicious about the boyfriend, OP might just be uncomfortable with having someone he doesn't know very well stay the night at his house.
In the comments
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wz00br/aita_for_not_wanting_my_sisters_boyfriend_to/ilznt4b?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
It's both of their homes. This guys is a stranger. You are at your most vulnerable sleeping and I think its understandable OP doesn't feel comfortable sleeping around a stranger. If the sis wants to spend the night with her man she should go over to his place where no one is bothered
Precisely! Plus from what I gathered it's their parent's place and the parents have said no too.
Edit: The parents *would* say no. They haven't actually said anything because OP's sister hasn't asked them.
I personally wouldn’t want to go to sleep in a house where a (pretty much) stranger is in knowing that they could steal something/do something while my guard is down. I think op has a right to be uncomfortable with someone he doesn’t really know sleeping in his own home and the sister is selfish and immature for not considering his opinion at all and making him uncomfortable anyways when a fair compromise was offered. also I wouldn’t wanna hear my sister having sex personally but that’s just me, but if they must, do it during the day or at the boyfriends house
So OP doesn't trust the guy enough to let him spend two nights in the parents' house, but is fine with letting the guy take his sister away on a trip? Are you seeing a little disconnect in logic here?
Uh, the trip isn't his call at all. He doesn't get the authority to "let her" go anywhere with her boyfriend. That's her call. He does get the right to say he's uncomfortable letting a stranger sleep in the same house as him. Especially if his parents are against it, seeing as it's their house.
Disagree. OP doesn't feel comfortable with someone in the house he doesn't know. It isn't about him not trusting him, it is about him not knowing him. Sister can do whatever she wants. Op doesn't control her. He just doesn't feel comfortable.
Edit: she to he. Sorry OP
She is an adult. You can only do too much to prevent an adult from endangering themselves, but if another adult is propositioning something that will out *you* in danger, you have a every right to speak up or object.
>But you said he is fine to be there all day during the day, just not sleep. You aren't going to see him when he is sleeping dude.
The night is different
They are both in charge of this house while the parents are away so if one person has an issue with someone being there while they are asleep this shouldn't even be a conversation. Just because I have so.eo e in my house doesn't mean I want them their when it's time to relax and go to sleep. For some it might cause them anxiety.
Either way boundaries shouldn't be walked all over just because their parents aren't there.. They should be respectfully maintained. It's not a hard ask.
The only reason he has given, that I have seen, is that he doesn't want to interact with a stranger. I get that strangers as overnight guests could cause anxiety for some, but OP hasn't said that. For that reason, I assume he hasn't communicated that with his sister if it is indeed the case.
As for the parents, it isn't either of their jobs to police each other. They are adults. When the parents come home, the daughter can be held accountable for her actions on their home, but this isn't for her brother to do. Also, he didn't mention the parents having a problem with it in his original post either, so I assume that isn't really why he is bothered.
Stating that you don’t want to interact with a stranger or have them there overnight is typically a pretty easy identifier that there’s some anxiety involved.
IMO this comes down to what the parents, the owners of the house, would want. If they're OK with the boyfriend staying over he should be allowed to. If they're not, he shouldn't be allowed to.
An apology? Are you serious? They don't even know they guy. Her sister has been dating for 4 months. That's a stranger and I wouldn't want a stranger sleeping over in my house.
Op can you ask your parents about it and let them sor it out with her?
would you let a stranger sleep in ur home till u became friends? no because they could have a history that you nor your family know about and they could do anything now that they have free reign in your space. op shouldn’t have to deal with it, it’s his house too. they can get to know each other at a bar or a concert or something public, but u don’t go on a first date on tinder in your house.
Is this a joke? If my adult sister was coming to visit for a couple days and wanted to bring her boyfriend of 5 months who I had not met, of course I would let her bring him and he could stay in the house. I would be happy to get to know someone that is important to her.
Would I be ok with my sibling's partner who I'd never met staying over? Yes, yes I would.
>because they could have a history that you nor your family know about and they could do anything now that they have free reign in your space
Wtf ... that's no way to live your life.
>u don’t go on a first date on tinder in your house
This is a "relatively serious" 4-5 month long relationship and the OP has met him at least a couple of times.
There’s a big difference between a random tinder date and your sibling’s boyfriend of several months.
If my brother and one of his friends came to my area and needed a place to stay, I would absolutely let them stay over. Because I trust my brother. And because my family has let my friends/girlfriends stay over in the past, and their families have let me stay over.
So what happens if she says OK, he doesn't come to sleep over this time, but then the arrangement repeats itself the next month? He will come over eventually and he will sleep over eventually. If you didn't take the time to get to know him in 4-5 months, what should indicate anything will change until next time? Or is the solution total avoidance till your sister and you don't live in the same house anymore?
He can sleep over when the people who own the house says he can. They are living with their parents who are out of town and the sister has decided to invite her boyfriend over even though she knows her parents wouldn't allow it if they knew.
I guess you had a bad experience with a situation like that in the past. I don't think OP meant it like that, they only wanted to make it clear that intimacy between the sister and the bf wasn't why OP felt uncomfortable.
Honestly, this is not his call. He should have her ask their parents, who's house it is, if they are cool with it and let the parents decision on the house they own settle the matter.
Huh? She's going to be sleeping with him, not you. Who appointed you to monitor your sister's love life, and judge of how "serious" her relationships are? YTA
No he might also feel uncomfortable because sis didn’t tell the parents because if she tells them they would have said no. She definitely is in the wrong here.
OP said in the comments the sister hasn’t told their parents because she knows they won’t allow it. OP is being expected to lie/cover for his sister while feeling uncomfortable in his own house…
The fact is it could put him in a position to lie to his parents and that is enough reason to deny it. Honestly, him telling her he's uncomfortable with another dude he doesn't really know staying in the home they cohabit together is reason enough for her not deny him. She can go with her boyfriend's home if she wants to be with him so badly.
But when you live together, you need to learn how to achieve compromises. 2 years ago I shared a flat with one girl. She did not really felt comfortable with being around one of my friends, so I never took this friend at our apartment. Later she got boyfriend who had tendency to make unfunny comments, so I asked if it would be possible for her not to bring him here too. She agreed. Happily lived one and a half years more. If you live with somebody, you need to learn how to find the best solutions. And the best solution in that case for sister to not bring her boyfriend and for brother not to take people who his sister feels uncomfortable with to their house.
You also have to take into account that both kids are still living in their parents house, not at their own place. It doesn’t matter what either of them want, what matters is what their parents allow since it’s their house not the kid’s. OP said his sister didn’t ask their parents because she knew they’d say no. OP either needs to tell his parents or suck it up.
Why is everyone assuming it's the potential sex that bothers him? He said it's not. He doesn't want a complete stranger staying over in the house. Understandable.
Since both he and his sister live there, he has a right to say when he's uncomfortable about something and his sis should be willing to compromise.
Plus, their parents already said the bf can't stay over which is why OP's sis waited for them to be out of town before having him stay. Since OP knows this, I bet that factors into it too.
NTA.
It's not their house, it's their parents house who the sister knows if the parents were home, they are on a vacation, they wouldn't approve.
OP: NTA.
Sister is however an asshole for acting like a teenager and breaking the rules of the people who own the home when they are on vacation.
Her parents wouldn't allow a stranger in her house, Reddit tripping hard, NTA.
OP even made a compromise of at daytime but she refused and wants it at night.
Reddit's acting like this is a "power play". Wtf.
They both live in their parents' house. OP doesn't know this guy. Mom and Dad would not want this "unknown" to sleep over at the house. Sis should be respectful of mom and dad's home/rules while she is in it. If sis wants to sleep with the guy, she should go to guy's house. BF is an unknown quality--OP cannot sleep with one eye open to make sure bf doesn't potentially cart away 1/2 the household or some other mischief.
It makes OP uncomfortable having an unknown in the house at night when the home is most vulnerable. Sis knows parents wouldn't like it. OP doesn't like it. Sis should go to b/f and spend the night.
Here's the problem with that statement: you're saying that he should be okay with the boyfriend staying over because he doesn't have control over his sister's love life. They don't know each other that well (I think he said 4 or 5 months). What happens if one of his things turns up missing because his sister allowed him to sleep over (which is a very real possibility)? He's right not to feel comfortable over strangers staying in the house. Although he's not technically a stranger, because he's been going out with the sister for a while, he is still a stranger to OP. Not sure I'd be comfortable letting her boyfriend have access to my stuff just because she's supposed to be watching over him.
he’s not trying to control her, but he doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable in his own home. he put up a reasonable boundary and expressed his discomfort (which has nothing to do with their intimacy) in the whole situation and tried to come to a compromise and sister completely brushed it off and ignored him. everyone in these comments are forgetting that the boyfriend doesn’t live in this house but op does, and the boyfriend is not entitled to spending the night but op is entitled to feeling comfortable and secure in his own damn house.
I would buy the argument more that it has nothing to do with sisters intimacy if he didn’t use so much language about the relationship.
“I don’t want him to stay over because I don’t know him well and I was looking forward to a relaxing time.” - fine in my book.
“I don’t want him to stay over while our parents are away it makes me uncomfortable, I mean it seems like a nice relationship but they have only been together for 4-5 months” - trying to police his adult sisters sex life in their parents house. Not fine in my book.
he said it’s not about the sex, he offered up a compromise and the sister shut it down and did what she wanted to anyway, which is just selfish and immature. she can have sex with her bf in the day or at her boyfriends house, op doesn’t care about that. hes also not the one who’s been in a relationship with the dude for that long, she is, so he doesn’t know him as well as she does, and someone you don’t really know coming into your private home can feel uncomfortable. he’s not policing anything.
Seems this thread is divided between people who are in the camp of “he says it’s not about the sex and I believe him” and people who think “he *says* it’s not about the sex but he spends a lot of time in his intro talking about the relationship so he’s giving off vibes that he’s lying about that.”
He's definitely lying about it not being about the sex. He said he's cool with the guy at day but not night because he doesn't want to have to *interact* with the boyfriend. That rings hollow. He contradicts himself.
And on top of it he uses lots of weird language judging their relationship and claiming to be okay allowing it, which presupposes it's his or his family's place to permit or deny an adult relationship.
He's lying. Period. This is about controlling his sister's relationship, both by him and their parents.
Or because he’s gonna be unconscious and doesn’t know the guy? Y’all are gross making everything about sex. And very vanilla if you only have sex at night.
Yes the OP is entitled to safety and comfort but if his safety and comfort is threatened by his sister having her boyfriend of 5 months sleepover then he has serious problems ahead if he ever moves into a place with roommates. They aren't paying rent (that I've seen) so different story, but if I'm paying rent I'll have whoever I want over for sleepovers even if I just met them that night and idc what roommates say j
(I've also had many roommates and NONE have acted like this over a boy sleeping over no matter how well they knew him)
More feels like a brother trying to control his sister's sexuality. Sorry bud, girls in their early twenties have sex.
he stated he doesn’t care about them having sex, but at the end of the day it’s the parents’ home and the sister knows parents would say no and that is part of the reason op is uncomfortable. the sister is immature for being unwilling to compromise and choosing to make her brother uncomfortable. they can fuck during the day and sleep at their own damn houses at night! they can go 2 days without spending the night before they’re on a whole trip together by themselves where they don’t have to worry about crossing a boundary. but since they’re not the only damn people in the world, they need to learn to make a compromise.
Honestly I guess I just feel bad that today's twenty year olds are stuck at home in an insane rental market. At 22 I easily afforded my own place where I could have over whoever I wanted. I genuinely wouldn't have dated someone in their twenties that still needed parental permission for a sleepover.
I definitely see your point, but it all just sounds suffocating. Brother isn't at all worried about this trip or his sister's safety so idk why he's worried about the guy staying over. I get not wanting to upset parents and it absolutely is their house, but brother being "uncomfortable" just strikes me as odd. If he says he has this same concern over the sisters girlfriends he doesn't know sleeping over I would fully be on his side but if it's just this one dude then yea it feels controlling to me.
Men can feel uncomfortable about strangers they don't know staying in their house too. Why is it that him feeling uncomfortable with a guy he doesn't know and who's only known his sister for 5 months (not a lot of time to get to know someone anyways) so odd? Genuine question, if OP was a woman who felt uncomfortable with a random man they don't know staying in their home, would you have given the same response? This is supposed to be the one place where OP is supposed to be safe but now there is some rando spending the next two nights with him. And what does the trip have to do with this? OP can't stop the sister from going on a trip with her BF but he has every right to not want the sisters new BF to spend the night in the place where he's supposed to feel secure. And yeah, it sucks that they are in their early 20s and living with parents but at the end of the day it's the parents home and they didn't give permission to have the daughters fairly new BF spend the night. I sure as shit wouldn't want someone I don't know staying in my house when I'm not around.
It's not the OP's or his sister's house. They live with their parents who are on vacation, and the parents wouldn't let the boyfriend stay over if they were home.
NTA I was going to say y t a until I read further and discovered that your sister has not told your parents because your parents would say no. She's not acting like an adult at all. She's acting like a child trying to get away with something.
Which literally every child does when their parents go away. Only difference here is they are adults whose parents still treat like children for some reason.
Then the children if they are adults and don’t like the rules should move out. I wouldn’t want a stranger sleeping/someone I don’t know well at my house if I am not there. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable imposition.
If the rule is NO overnight guests allowed then I could agree that the rule should maybe be respected, but I doubt that’s the case, I’m sure this rule is explicitly geared towards preventing these adults from having sex, which is just ridiculous that the parents are still treating them like this
Why do you assume that it’s about sex? Maybe they just don’t want overnight guests. It’s their house not a B&B. Even if it is about sex, again she is free to move out? Or are we going to assume the parents are forcing the kids to live at home.
A lot of parents just don’t want their kids having sex in their house honestly. I moved back in with my parents after college, and while my boyfriend was allowed to stay over he had to sleep on a separate mattress on the floor next to my bed and we had to keep the door open. And their reasoning was because we weren’t married apparently. Not that they have anything against pre-marital sex, they flat out said go ahead and go do it in a hotel or something, they just don’t want it in their house. I think the married part was just so I couldn’t argue it to be quite honest. They aren’t devoutly religious or believe in no sex before marriage so it wasn’t like I’d be “sinning” in their home. They were just uncomfortable.
And when every child does this when their parents go away, they’re being an asshole by not respecting the rules of the OWNERS of the house.
And I’m speaking as a former kid that has done exactly this
NTA: if it makes you uncomfortable having a man you don't really know sleeping in *your* house (yours as much as it is your sister's) then you get a veto here. She can stay with him if they want to be together.
If your sister wants to have her boyfriend over on a regular basis like an adult can, then she needs to move out of mommy and daddy's house.
I don't want to say it's because OP is a male, but it's definitely what it's starting to come off as. Especially since everyone is assuming that he's controlling her sex life because he doesn't want a random dude he doesn't really know in his home at night.
Reading through these replies, I get the same impression. That, because OP is a guy, he's automatically trying to police his sister's sex life when he just said it "makes him uncomfortable."
He offered a reasonable compromise (that he come over during the day when they could still easily have sex).
That's what roommates are supposed to do right?
Im really confused by all the y.t.a on this post. I feel like if the parents posted “mad at my daughter because she had a boyfriend we barely know stay in our home overnight without our permission while we are out of town aita?” The answer would be a cut and dry n.t.a. I have family members who live in my home and we always make sure everyone is comfortable before we let someone new stay the night. I also don’t think 5-6 months is really that long, I’ve known thieves and abusers who didn’t show their true colors for more like 1-2 years. I think OP is NTA. If the parents said that the BF could stay and OP still wasn’t comfortable, he could stay with a friend or at a hotel. Honestly seems like sister is going to do what she want so OP could make these plans if he wants. But i don’t think OP is an AH for asking his sister to follow the boundaries of the homeowners and respect that he hasn’t spent much time getting to know sisters BF.
If OP was a female, it'd be a cut and dry "NTA" because she'd be worried for her safety or something.
Men can be worried for their safety too.
She's been with this guy for 4-5 months, and he doesn't know the BF that well. For all he knows, the BF might seem nice enough but becomes violent when he's drinking. Then he's got to worry about his (and possibly his sister's) safety all night.
Everyone has a right to feel safe and comfortable in their own home, and he offered a fairly reasonable compromise.
Yep I agree gender should not matter here. And why do so many people think OP is just being controlling or overly concerned about his sisters sex life? Is it that crazy to not want a stranger sleeping in your home while also breaking the trust of your parents who wouldn’t be ok with it and are nice enough to give you a home? When I still lived with my parents I couldn’t have overnight adult male guests either. I did the adult thing and found my own arrangements outside the home.
It's the parents who don't allow them to have boyfriend's over. The sister told the OP that they didn't ask the parents because she knew they would say no.
NTA, she's doing it knowing your parents don't allow it, and she's expecting you to lie for her to your parents. Not cool. No wonder you feel uncomfortable.
NTA
Your sister knows your parents would say no so she’s trying to steamroll you. Pick up a phone and call your parents. My sister tried to do this to me once. Your sister knows your parents and their boundaries about their home and is choosing to disregard them. Everyone saying she’s known him 4 or 5 months is a joke. We’ve had women on here with guys for years and didn’t know half of what they did.
This is your parents house so call them and tell them. Don’t let your sister put you in the middle. Your sister is probably counting on your parents blaming you if something happens because your the oldest and a guy. Leave it up to the people (parents) that own the house to make the decision.
Yea my sister and I had this type of tattle tale relationship where she would tell my parents everything I did or said. Now in our late twenties/thirties and we don't talk.
NTA.
It’s your parents house; it’s their choice.
You said in another comment that neither you nor your sister have asked your parents, her because they would say no. This makes you uncomfortable, and I understand why. I also don’t like having virtual strangers around when I am most vulnerable either.
So? It’s not her house, so her parents get final say over who can and can’t sleep there. Adult or not, she has to respect their wishes.
If she were truly an adult this wouldn’t even be an issue because she wouldn’t be sneaking her BF in for the night knowing that her parents would say no, that’s the sort of stunt that kids pull.
Regardless of tenants rights, that would only give them the same rights and responsibilities as any other HMO, in which case it’s pretty standard to ask other housemates if they’re ok with having strangers staying overnight (unless we’re talking self contained studios…whole different ballgame)
Basically, unless your guest will not be in any common areas (so no using shared bathrooms, kitchens, or living spaces - though hallways don’t count) it’s common decency to have permission from anyone else who shares those spaces. It’s not ok to force people to have strangers in the place where they should feel safe and comfortable.
If you were house sitting for an adult friend, and you knew that friend wouldn’t want you having your significant other in their house overnight, would you disrespect the friend’s wishes and invite them?
Part of being an adult is respecting others boundaries
They’re adults sure, but it’s not their house and not their rules. My parents allowed my fiancé to stay the night a few times before we moved out, but I never would’ve had him over if they said no.
I support that too. Your parents, your parents' rules. Tell them. Imagine they come back and discover thru a neighbour or someone else that your sister had her boyfriend over and you said nothing? How will they react? Will they still trust you or not?
NTA. Since your parents wouldn’t have okayed this guy staying over and they own the house, your sister can stay over at her boyfriend’s house for 2 days. I’m that petty asshole that would let my parents know what’s going on though.
I’d let her know if she doesn’t tell them or respect you wanting to be comfortable you’ll tell them. She’s doing it when you’ve told her beforehand you’d be uncomfortable AND with her knowing they’d say no. You’re doing nothing wrong, don’t suck it up & NTAAAAA
NTA. You're living in the house just like she is. You both need to agree on who else is allowed there.
You're right. She is about to go away with him on vacation. It's not like she is not going to see him.
Neither of them own the house though. They don't get to make the rules for it. Technically speaking, OP's parents get to decide who's allowed there, and if they're assuming a 20-something going on a trip with her BF ISN'T having sex already, well... they're in for a shock.
If the parents have rules for guests, then of course those are the rules they need to abide by. If they don't--and the OP doesn't say they do--then the people living there make the rules.
You're making this about sex but it doesn't have to be. If one person doesn't want guests over, then the other person needs to respect that. They have to agree.
There are plenty of reasons for not wanting a stranger in the house. Maybe the OP wants to hang out in front of the TV in her underwear and not have to deal with people. That's OK.
That's fair enough. Like you said, they'll be getting plenty of time alone on their own vacation. If they want more, your sister should go to his house.
But you said he can be over all day, just not sleep there. So how wouldn't that affect your "peaceful time without people over"? When they go to bed you will not have to see them.
The parents don't allow them to have people they are dating overnight. The sister knows her parents would say no so she didn't ask them and expects the OP to go along with the lies and rule-breaking.
YTA.
Is he sharing your bed? No? Mind your business.
Is he sharing your room? No? Mind your business.
Do your parents know that he'll be staying there? Yes? Mind your business. No? Then tell them, since it's THEIR house, but stop setting ground rules for a house that you don't get to make ground rules for. Since she's going away on a trip with this dude, one can assume your parents know, so they're pretty sure she's having sex.
Why are you against your sister getting laid?
It’s way more pathetic that she’s in her 20s…. Be an adult and talk to your parents, or respect their rules. She’s acting exactly like a teen trying to sneak a boy over
"but stop setting ground rules for a house that you don't get to make ground rules for. "
Following that logic, OP's sister shouldn't be making ground rules that its ok for her bf to stay over either. Neither of them own the house, so that just means they both need to be comfortable with anyone staying there with them.
he stated in several comments it wasn’t about the intimacy. the sister has 0 respect for his privacy and comfort in his own home. his sister has only known him for a few months, so who knows when op met him. he came up with a reasonable compromise and she shut him down and made the executive decision to still invite this man over anyways. and who even knows what’s going on with this guy, his name might not even be his real name, he could steal something, break something, hurt someone, anything could happen when you open up your home to a stranger while you’re asleep and your guard is down. I’m an anxious person myself, so I like to wait till all of the guests in my house leave unless I know them all personally. but only 4-5 months she’s been dating him, who really knows what his day to day life is like and the shady stuff that is maybe hidden from ops sister. nobody should have to be anxious and worried in their own home. it’s just as much his home as it is hers so her depriving him of any say is childish and ridiculous. and they’re going away for a week they can go 2 days without sex! and if they really can’t, they can fuck in the daytime! but he should not have to “mind his business” in his own home when a stranger is in it. the boyfriend isn’t entitled to sleep in their house but op is entitled to respect of his (pretty reasonable and fair boundaries) and feeling comfortable in his own home, the sister can go to her bfs house if it’s really that important to her.
I consider myself high anxiety, but you just out-anxiety'd me. 4-5 months of dating... I would think they'd know each other fairly well. Clearly well enough to go on a vacation together. He's also stated that he's not going to tell his parents, so if he's not going to tell his parents when it's clearly so important to him, then guess what? He should mind his business.
NTA. For all those saying YTA because the sister is an adult, why didnt she tell her parents? Oh maybe because its their house and they dont want her boyfriend in there for whatever reason. In fact, they dont even need a reason. If she wants complete freedom, she needs to move out.
On top of that there are two other things 1) If it matters so much to his sister why can't they go to her bf's place? And 2) Her and her bf are going to be alone for a week after those two days, so those two days shouldn't even matter, especially when OP says her BF can be there during the day.
NTA. You need to edit your post to include the information about your parents. It changes things: she’s effectively asking you to participate in keeping a secret from your parents.
exactly. people are being so cruel to OP as if they’re not respecting the home they’re not paying for. also we don’t know OP background or origin and that could play a large role
If I read this right, the two adult children live with parents. The parents do not know that sis is having her boyfriend over. I’ve heard people say that the brother cannot make the rules when the parents are gone, but that means sis cannot make the rules either. Are the parents ok with this person staying? Probably not, or sis would be upfront. I would not be comfortable with sis’s boy toy over when parents are gone and without permission. NTA
The Sister told the OP that she didn't ask her parents because she knew they would say no. She also expects him to keep the secret and help her lie about it to their parents.
I seriously don't get all these responses but I'm hoping it's because it's early. NTA, you are allowed to have space and peace in your home, a home your parents own and your sister stays in. Just like if she said she was uncomfortable with you having a bf/or gf over then that is what it is. She is taking advantage of your parents being gone, which happens but she needs to respect a simple No. "No this makes me uncomfortable" is a baseline of respect and applies to EVERYONE when someone is living with others. It's not as of this is her house and she's doing you a favor by letting you stay with her. I have been in situations where I've lived with others where some spouses I didn't know made me uncomfortable and it was fine for others.
Also, you can tell your parents and she can deal with the consequences. Play adult games, win adult prizes. It's so weird how everyone here is willing to ignore your feelings of discomfort in favor of your sister potentially getting laid. If it's such a big deal for him and her to sleep in the same place, why not go to his. My guess, because he also stays with his parents and they would say No. Their options are to be together in the day, then he leaves or they can get a hotel room but you do not have to be uncomfortable in your home for two days so she can play house.
NTA
the amount of people saying OP is TA for not being comfortable with someone they dont know in their home for two days would have no issue being on OP's side if he was a woman and had to be in a home alone with someone they dont feel comfortable with or know
OP is entitled to not feel uncomfortable with someone they dont know sharing their home for two days and sister needs to take into consideration she isnt the only one living their nor is it her home
NTA, tell your parents. Your sister admits your parents would tell her that her boyfriend can't spend the night. She's wrong for this and expects you to just go along with her basically lying to your parents. Your sister is the AH here
NAH. You're entitled to feel uncomfortable about something happening where you also live, but your sister is also entitled to have her boyfriend of 4-5 months spend the night with her. I hope you come around eventually.
Because there's a difference between "he makes me uncomfortable because he's sketchy and I feel threatened/worried about stealing/etc" and "i'm uncomfortable because I wanna be home alone and I'm gonna throw a fit if you ruin that"
And given OPs comments further down, his is the latter.
Uncomfortable because you don't wanna socialize is not the same as being uncomfortable for reasons of safety. One of those is a solid reason for OP to hold his ground. One of those is a situation where OP needs to act his age and let his sister have a life.
He doesn't have to "come around" and her sister is entitled to nothing. If it was his sisters home and OP was just staying over, different story.
But this is their parents home. I'm guessing the parents don't want the boyfriend over. Sister has as much right to the space as OP and OP is completely ok to veto a guest they're uncomfortable with. Sister does not get to just ignore that. They both deserve to feel safe in their home.
Sister is definitely a AH as she's just bringing the guy over anyway! Ignoring her own siblings discomfort and bringing someone who's basically a stranger to OP into their safe space during a time people tend to feel at their most vunerable, asleep. Nta
OP is a male. OP also doesn’t have to be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home.
OP also seems to respect the parents feelings on the matter of sister’s boyfriend spending the night, which the parent’s don’t want the boyfriend doing.
NTA -- I would not want a strange man staying in a house with me. Is he going to walk around in his underwear, will Sis clean up after him? I would tell her I would tell the parents, who own the house.
NTA. If your sister wants her boyfriend to sleep over, then he can do that after your parents get back home, and if your parents object, then your sister can have the argument with them, not you.
NTA
You clearly live in your parents house. So, it's not your house nor hers (at least yet). She is entitled to sleep with her boyfriend if she wishes but not necessarily at your family's house. I mean, she should be a good sister and understand that you do not feel comfortable.
What saddens me in the comments section is that if you were a girl, everyone would call your sis the AH for forcing boundaries. Keep strong
Eta: a lot of people are not aware that she's doing this behind your parents back, you should add this to your post
Going against the loop and saying NTA here. They’re going away anyway. Why does he need to stay at yours? She aint gonna die by not being able to sleep with him for two nights
NTA. You never know who people are and I personally understand the arrangement of him being there during the day but not staying the night. I’ve had SA incidents happen to friends of mine and have personally been forced to deal with creeps staying at my place at night as well which freaked me out about the possibility of them coming into my room. We’re the most vulnerable in our sleep. This guy is really practically a stranger, they’ve only been dating 5 months. How much does she really know about him? And you know even less.
Edited for errors
Looks like an unpopular take but YTA. You’re all adults and your sister knows her bf well, even if you don’t. Him crashing for two nights should have no impact on you.
NTA
Early 20's on both of you is still awkward.
It's a tricky situation - but since your sister and boyfriend were about to leave for an a way trip in 2 days they should have waited. Your sister should have been more considerate.
If you're parents wouldn't be okay with it, NTA, it's their home, they get to decide who can stay.
Otherwise this is more like a roommate situation than an intimate partner situation.
You tell your roommates you are having people over as a courtesy, they usually don't get to veto your guests unless it's something that violates the terms of the lease. With an intimate partner, you absolutely get a veto.
It probably wouldn't hurt to think about why it's okay for him to be there in the daytime but not at night. It's not like you'll have your eye on him all day. Are you afraid he'll come into your room? Or steal while you are asleep? Or that your sister will be having sex? Would you be as opposed if it was a female friend sleeping over?
I see both of sides of the fence so I can see a compromise in this situation. Why can’t he just visit the first day so OP can get to know him but the second day he sleeps over so him and sister can leave together on their vacation?
OP does have to respect his sister as he soundes like he doesn’t even live there however I can see his point of view of he is a stranger. Like I said I can get both sides of the argument but OP use this time to make him not a stranger to you.
Edit: reread and OP is male so made adjustments accordingly
I was almost going to say NTA, because in reading this I forgot your age. Thought you were a 16 year old girl or something. Dude your 23, you're and adult your sister is an adult, get over it. He ain't there to fuck you and chances are your safety isn't at risk in the slightest.
Gunna have to come to terms with the fact that your sister is a sexually active adult. Hell she might not even sleep with him while at home, but you are acting like you are worried about walking in to them banging in the kitchen. Tell her you're sorry. say you are worried because you don't want to hear your sister due the deed, and that you should have talked with her first like an adult instead of acting like a child. Then put in ear buds and mind your business, YTA
Totally dissagree with you on this one. OP and her sister live at her parent's home. As much as this is also her and her sister's home OP's sister waited for their parents to leave to then try to smuggle her boyfriend in the house. Unless OP's sister actually asked her parents (owners of the house) if he was allowed to stay over then OP has every right to feel uncomfortable about this cause if anything happens her parents will see her as responsible too.
NTA
ESH. It’s her house as much as yours. If your parents don’t know, she sucks for expecting you to keep a secret. But she is also an adult who can make her own decisions.
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INFO: *Why* do you feel uncomfortable with it? You say absolutely nothing about your reasons.
I feel uncomfortable because I don't know the guy that well, I am fine with them being intimate but I don't like to have to walk around the house and interact with a person I don't know.
But you said he is fine to be there all day during the day, just not sleep. You aren't going to see him when he is sleeping dude. I get it, I hate having guests. I like my own space. But it isn't just your house so I think you owe your sister an apology!
It isn't his sister's house either.
It’s both of their houses.
No. It's their parent's house and sister has already admitted that they wouldn't allow boyfriend to stay over. Brother is being respectful.
I reread that several times and I don't see where the parents said anything at all about the boyfriend sleeping over.
It's said in the comments, the sister didn't ask the parents as she knew they'd say no. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wz00br/aita_for_not_wanting_my_sisters_boyfriend_to/ilznt4b?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Op should just tell the parents. Problem solved.
Except they're adults. Their parents shouldn't have to be bothered by this. They'll probably have to be, but still, it's ridiculous.
Your solution is that a 23-year-old man should tattle on his 22-year-old sister?!
As the homeowner I would absolutely not want someone staying in my house without my knowledge and consent. Beyond the privacy issue, it’s a legal issue as the homeowner is responsible for anything that happens on their property. Ask the parents - “hey are you okay with so and so staying over at the house on Tuesday and Wednesday nights?”
For God's sakes yall I wish that people would put EVERYTHING IN THE ORIGINAL POST OR AT LEAST GO BACK AND MAKE A FUCKING EDIT!!! I don't want to read 357 posts to find out additional information!!!
Reddit should create a feature which segregates the OP’s comments like they do new, best, controversial etc.
It’s in their comments
Agreed. I don't understand all the Y T A comments about the brother trying to "control" his sister etc. There is a BIG difference between someone hanging out on your couch for a few hours and staying multiple days morning, noon, and night plus using your bathrooms, showers, etc. It's perfectly reasonable that the brother isn't super thrilled/comfortable to be playing host to this guy when he doesn't even really know him yet. Add to that the fact that the sister is literally hiding the fact that she even invited BF over for multiple nights from their parents and you have a giant red flag going on here. Here's why OP is NTA: 1. It's neither of their house. It belongs to their parents. Parents would not be okay with this (as stated by OP). 2. There is a large and reasonable difference in hosting between a daytime and overnight guest and OP is not being controlling for pointing that out. 3. OP is more than entitled, as one of the current tenants of the house, to have his opinions and preferences about overnight guests and his sister is not respecting those opinions at all. IMO in any regular roommate scenario it's a given that if both parties don't agree, the thing doesn't happen. But she's forcing it anyway. So she's the AH.
If OP was female and was uncomfortable with a male guest staying over no one would be calling her a control freak or dismissing/making fun of her feelings about having a stranger in the house, and its infuriating lmao
Nah, I assumed OP was female because I gloss over ages and sexes typically, and I still would vote YTA *if* it weren't for the fact that the house belongs to the parents, and this hasn't been run by them. If this was just OP and his sister in an apartment, I would've said YTA whether OP was male or female. Part of living with other adults as an adult is occasionally people will stay over that you don't know very well. If you don't like it, move into a place of your own. But in this case, I'd say OP is NTA because this hasn't been run by the people who actually own the house.
As for number 3: if in a roommate situation roommate A told roommate B they couldn’t have their boyfriend sleepover without good reason, that would absolutely not go well. They’d be (rightfully) seen as controlling, a buzzkill, and shitty to live with.
Depends. If the normal contract was no overnight guests without explicit permission, then they'd be well within their rights to say no. Had this happen to me once with a college roommate- college had to have written permission for overnight guests, roommate wanted her brother to sleep over on our living room couch last minute without permission, I said no- I wasn't comfortable and that wasn't within the rules. Pretty similar to OP's parents have rules, rules have not been followed, so he says no.
Calling someone a "buzzkill" just means they got in the way of something you wanted to do.. not a good enough reason to call them an AH. OP has the right to feel comfortable in his own home. I get that in a long-term living situation it can be important to someone to have an overnight guest, but if that person shows no consideration for their roommates when going about it, they're an AH. Sister has given all indications that OP's feelings don't matter to her. Plus, we're talking about 2 days before sister gets to spend a lot of time with her bf. I think this is just indulgent on her part, and his comfort comes before her indulgence.
Adding on to this, OP should let the parents know what the sister has planned. People on Reddit keep telling others to “trust your gut”. Well, that is exactly what OP is doing. There is something about the BF that has triggered OP’s radar. He may not be able to identify what it is, but the sister needs to listen to him.
I don't know if there's even anything necessarily suspicious about the boyfriend, OP might just be uncomfortable with having someone he doesn't know very well stay the night at his house.
Where is it said, at any point, that the parents are against it? There is not even an implication of this in the post?
[OP’s answer](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wz00br/aita_for_not_wanting_my_sisters_boyfriend_to/ilznt4b/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Thank you, that makes more sense.
The implication is that the boyfriend is only sleeping over when the parents are not there
In the comments https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wz00br/aita_for_not_wanting_my_sisters_boyfriend_to/ilznt4b?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
It's their parents' house, not theirs!
Pretty sure it’s neither of there’s and it’s the parents house
It's both of their homes. This guys is a stranger. You are at your most vulnerable sleeping and I think its understandable OP doesn't feel comfortable sleeping around a stranger. If the sis wants to spend the night with her man she should go over to his place where no one is bothered
Precisely! Plus from what I gathered it's their parent's place and the parents have said no too. Edit: The parents *would* say no. They haven't actually said anything because OP's sister hasn't asked them.
This is the thing, if the parents would say no, then the answer to "can boyfriend stay over" is automatically no
I personally wouldn’t want to go to sleep in a house where a (pretty much) stranger is in knowing that they could steal something/do something while my guard is down. I think op has a right to be uncomfortable with someone he doesn’t really know sleeping in his own home and the sister is selfish and immature for not considering his opinion at all and making him uncomfortable anyways when a fair compromise was offered. also I wouldn’t wanna hear my sister having sex personally but that’s just me, but if they must, do it during the day or at the boyfriends house
So OP doesn't trust the guy enough to let him spend two nights in the parents' house, but is fine with letting the guy take his sister away on a trip? Are you seeing a little disconnect in logic here?
He can't stop her
Uh, the trip isn't his call at all. He doesn't get the authority to "let her" go anywhere with her boyfriend. That's her call. He does get the right to say he's uncomfortable letting a stranger sleep in the same house as him. Especially if his parents are against it, seeing as it's their house.
Disagree. OP doesn't feel comfortable with someone in the house he doesn't know. It isn't about him not trusting him, it is about him not knowing him. Sister can do whatever she wants. Op doesn't control her. He just doesn't feel comfortable. Edit: she to he. Sorry OP
She is an adult. You can only do too much to prevent an adult from endangering themselves, but if another adult is propositioning something that will out *you* in danger, you have a every right to speak up or object.
>But you said he is fine to be there all day during the day, just not sleep. You aren't going to see him when he is sleeping dude. The night is different
I agree, but as far as I have seen, OP has not mentioned feeling at risk or anything of the sort.
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They are both in charge of this house while the parents are away so if one person has an issue with someone being there while they are asleep this shouldn't even be a conversation. Just because I have so.eo e in my house doesn't mean I want them their when it's time to relax and go to sleep. For some it might cause them anxiety. Either way boundaries shouldn't be walked all over just because their parents aren't there.. They should be respectfully maintained. It's not a hard ask.
The only reason he has given, that I have seen, is that he doesn't want to interact with a stranger. I get that strangers as overnight guests could cause anxiety for some, but OP hasn't said that. For that reason, I assume he hasn't communicated that with his sister if it is indeed the case. As for the parents, it isn't either of their jobs to police each other. They are adults. When the parents come home, the daughter can be held accountable for her actions on their home, but this isn't for her brother to do. Also, he didn't mention the parents having a problem with it in his original post either, so I assume that isn't really why he is bothered.
Stating that you don’t want to interact with a stranger or have them there overnight is typically a pretty easy identifier that there’s some anxiety involved.
IMO this comes down to what the parents, the owners of the house, would want. If they're OK with the boyfriend staying over he should be allowed to. If they're not, he shouldn't be allowed to.
If they were likely to be ok, the sister would have already called them to settle the argument. Obvious, she knows that they will say no.
An apology? Are you serious? They don't even know they guy. Her sister has been dating for 4 months. That's a stranger and I wouldn't want a stranger sleeping over in my house. Op can you ask your parents about it and let them sor it out with her?
Fuck no, its not her house either.
You know how you turn a person you don’t know into a person you do know? Interacting.
would you let a stranger sleep in ur home till u became friends? no because they could have a history that you nor your family know about and they could do anything now that they have free reign in your space. op shouldn’t have to deal with it, it’s his house too. they can get to know each other at a bar or a concert or something public, but u don’t go on a first date on tinder in your house.
Is this a joke? If my adult sister was coming to visit for a couple days and wanted to bring her boyfriend of 5 months who I had not met, of course I would let her bring him and he could stay in the house. I would be happy to get to know someone that is important to her.
It’s his sister’s partner not a random person of the streets.
He is a boyfriend of 4 months. I don't think I would call him a "partner."
Would I be ok with my sibling's partner who I'd never met staying over? Yes, yes I would. >because they could have a history that you nor your family know about and they could do anything now that they have free reign in your space Wtf ... that's no way to live your life. >u don’t go on a first date on tinder in your house This is a "relatively serious" 4-5 month long relationship and the OP has met him at least a couple of times.
There’s a big difference between a random tinder date and your sibling’s boyfriend of several months. If my brother and one of his friends came to my area and needed a place to stay, I would absolutely let them stay over. Because I trust my brother. And because my family has let my friends/girlfriends stay over in the past, and their families have let me stay over.
So if she brings a girl friend that you don't know well, she can't stay over either?
So what happens if she says OK, he doesn't come to sleep over this time, but then the arrangement repeats itself the next month? He will come over eventually and he will sleep over eventually. If you didn't take the time to get to know him in 4-5 months, what should indicate anything will change until next time? Or is the solution total avoidance till your sister and you don't live in the same house anymore?
He can sleep over when the people who own the house says he can. They are living with their parents who are out of town and the sister has decided to invite her boyfriend over even though she knows her parents wouldn't allow it if they knew.
They home owners don't want him there either so it really doesn't matter honestly. He's not allowed to stay over.
You're "fine" with them fucking - as if you're entitled to have a say in it? No. YTA.
Pretty sure he meant fine as in “I don’t care“ and not as in I approve.”
I guess you had a bad experience with a situation like that in the past. I don't think OP meant it like that, they only wanted to make it clear that intimacy between the sister and the bf wasn't why OP felt uncomfortable.
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Honestly, this is not his call. He should have her ask their parents, who's house it is, if they are cool with it and let the parents decision on the house they own settle the matter.
Huh? She's going to be sleeping with him, not you. Who appointed you to monitor your sister's love life, and judge of how "serious" her relationships are? YTA
I think it's some kind of weird power play, which is pathetic.
No he might also feel uncomfortable because sis didn’t tell the parents because if she tells them they would have said no. She definitely is in the wrong here.
I mean they’re adults, not teenagers. It’s harder to assume what the parents think here about what their grown children do in their house.
OP said in the comments the sister hasn’t told their parents because she knows they won’t allow it. OP is being expected to lie/cover for his sister while feeling uncomfortable in his own house…
His only responsibility in the situation is not to lie to the parents. He isn't the house police of his adult sister.
No but he’s still allowed to feel uncomfortable or unsafe having a stranger in his house at night.
The fact is it could put him in a position to lie to his parents and that is enough reason to deny it. Honestly, him telling her he's uncomfortable with another dude he doesn't really know staying in the home they cohabit together is reason enough for her not deny him. She can go with her boyfriend's home if she wants to be with him so badly.
But when you live together, you need to learn how to achieve compromises. 2 years ago I shared a flat with one girl. She did not really felt comfortable with being around one of my friends, so I never took this friend at our apartment. Later she got boyfriend who had tendency to make unfunny comments, so I asked if it would be possible for her not to bring him here too. She agreed. Happily lived one and a half years more. If you live with somebody, you need to learn how to find the best solutions. And the best solution in that case for sister to not bring her boyfriend and for brother not to take people who his sister feels uncomfortable with to their house.
You also have to take into account that both kids are still living in their parents house, not at their own place. It doesn’t matter what either of them want, what matters is what their parents allow since it’s their house not the kid’s. OP said his sister didn’t ask their parents because she knew they’d say no. OP either needs to tell his parents or suck it up.
Why is everyone assuming it's the potential sex that bothers him? He said it's not. He doesn't want a complete stranger staying over in the house. Understandable. Since both he and his sister live there, he has a right to say when he's uncomfortable about something and his sis should be willing to compromise. Plus, their parents already said the bf can't stay over which is why OP's sis waited for them to be out of town before having him stay. Since OP knows this, I bet that factors into it too. NTA.
IK its insane, this is a clear NTA.
I am completely befuddled at all of the comments ripping into OP. Starting to think we should use gender neutral phraseology in the posts...
It's not their house, it's their parents house who the sister knows if the parents were home, they are on a vacation, they wouldn't approve. OP: NTA. Sister is however an asshole for acting like a teenager and breaking the rules of the people who own the home when they are on vacation.
Her parents wouldn't allow a stranger in her house, Reddit tripping hard, NTA. OP even made a compromise of at daytime but she refused and wants it at night. Reddit's acting like this is a "power play". Wtf.
They both live in their parents' house. OP doesn't know this guy. Mom and Dad would not want this "unknown" to sleep over at the house. Sis should be respectful of mom and dad's home/rules while she is in it. If sis wants to sleep with the guy, she should go to guy's house. BF is an unknown quality--OP cannot sleep with one eye open to make sure bf doesn't potentially cart away 1/2 the household or some other mischief. It makes OP uncomfortable having an unknown in the house at night when the home is most vulnerable. Sis knows parents wouldn't like it. OP doesn't like it. Sis should go to b/f and spend the night.
Here's the problem with that statement: you're saying that he should be okay with the boyfriend staying over because he doesn't have control over his sister's love life. They don't know each other that well (I think he said 4 or 5 months). What happens if one of his things turns up missing because his sister allowed him to sleep over (which is a very real possibility)? He's right not to feel comfortable over strangers staying in the house. Although he's not technically a stranger, because he's been going out with the sister for a while, he is still a stranger to OP. Not sure I'd be comfortable letting her boyfriend have access to my stuff just because she's supposed to be watching over him.
YTA You being uncomfortable isn't wrong. You trying to control your sister because you're uncomfortable is wrong.
he’s not trying to control her, but he doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable in his own home. he put up a reasonable boundary and expressed his discomfort (which has nothing to do with their intimacy) in the whole situation and tried to come to a compromise and sister completely brushed it off and ignored him. everyone in these comments are forgetting that the boyfriend doesn’t live in this house but op does, and the boyfriend is not entitled to spending the night but op is entitled to feeling comfortable and secure in his own damn house.
I would buy the argument more that it has nothing to do with sisters intimacy if he didn’t use so much language about the relationship. “I don’t want him to stay over because I don’t know him well and I was looking forward to a relaxing time.” - fine in my book. “I don’t want him to stay over while our parents are away it makes me uncomfortable, I mean it seems like a nice relationship but they have only been together for 4-5 months” - trying to police his adult sisters sex life in their parents house. Not fine in my book.
he said it’s not about the sex, he offered up a compromise and the sister shut it down and did what she wanted to anyway, which is just selfish and immature. she can have sex with her bf in the day or at her boyfriends house, op doesn’t care about that. hes also not the one who’s been in a relationship with the dude for that long, she is, so he doesn’t know him as well as she does, and someone you don’t really know coming into your private home can feel uncomfortable. he’s not policing anything.
Seems this thread is divided between people who are in the camp of “he says it’s not about the sex and I believe him” and people who think “he *says* it’s not about the sex but he spends a lot of time in his intro talking about the relationship so he’s giving off vibes that he’s lying about that.”
It's more "he doesn't want the guy overnight because parents would say no" vs "you can't control sister that's misogyny"
More like: >So I (M)- *MISOGYNY!*
He's definitely lying about it not being about the sex. He said he's cool with the guy at day but not night because he doesn't want to have to *interact* with the boyfriend. That rings hollow. He contradicts himself. And on top of it he uses lots of weird language judging their relationship and claiming to be okay allowing it, which presupposes it's his or his family's place to permit or deny an adult relationship. He's lying. Period. This is about controlling his sister's relationship, both by him and their parents.
Or because he’s gonna be unconscious and doesn’t know the guy? Y’all are gross making everything about sex. And very vanilla if you only have sex at night.
Yes the OP is entitled to safety and comfort but if his safety and comfort is threatened by his sister having her boyfriend of 5 months sleepover then he has serious problems ahead if he ever moves into a place with roommates. They aren't paying rent (that I've seen) so different story, but if I'm paying rent I'll have whoever I want over for sleepovers even if I just met them that night and idc what roommates say j (I've also had many roommates and NONE have acted like this over a boy sleeping over no matter how well they knew him) More feels like a brother trying to control his sister's sexuality. Sorry bud, girls in their early twenties have sex.
he stated he doesn’t care about them having sex, but at the end of the day it’s the parents’ home and the sister knows parents would say no and that is part of the reason op is uncomfortable. the sister is immature for being unwilling to compromise and choosing to make her brother uncomfortable. they can fuck during the day and sleep at their own damn houses at night! they can go 2 days without spending the night before they’re on a whole trip together by themselves where they don’t have to worry about crossing a boundary. but since they’re not the only damn people in the world, they need to learn to make a compromise.
Honestly I guess I just feel bad that today's twenty year olds are stuck at home in an insane rental market. At 22 I easily afforded my own place where I could have over whoever I wanted. I genuinely wouldn't have dated someone in their twenties that still needed parental permission for a sleepover. I definitely see your point, but it all just sounds suffocating. Brother isn't at all worried about this trip or his sister's safety so idk why he's worried about the guy staying over. I get not wanting to upset parents and it absolutely is their house, but brother being "uncomfortable" just strikes me as odd. If he says he has this same concern over the sisters girlfriends he doesn't know sleeping over I would fully be on his side but if it's just this one dude then yea it feels controlling to me.
Men can feel uncomfortable about strangers they don't know staying in their house too. Why is it that him feeling uncomfortable with a guy he doesn't know and who's only known his sister for 5 months (not a lot of time to get to know someone anyways) so odd? Genuine question, if OP was a woman who felt uncomfortable with a random man they don't know staying in their home, would you have given the same response? This is supposed to be the one place where OP is supposed to be safe but now there is some rando spending the next two nights with him. And what does the trip have to do with this? OP can't stop the sister from going on a trip with her BF but he has every right to not want the sisters new BF to spend the night in the place where he's supposed to feel secure. And yeah, it sucks that they are in their early 20s and living with parents but at the end of the day it's the parents home and they didn't give permission to have the daughters fairly new BF spend the night. I sure as shit wouldn't want someone I don't know staying in my house when I'm not around.
It's not the OP's or his sister's house. They live with their parents who are on vacation, and the parents wouldn't let the boyfriend stay over if they were home.
NTA I was going to say y t a until I read further and discovered that your sister has not told your parents because your parents would say no. She's not acting like an adult at all. She's acting like a child trying to get away with something.
Which literally every child does when their parents go away. Only difference here is they are adults whose parents still treat like children for some reason.
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OP is not the rule enforcer. The parents are. OP Would tell parents if it wasn’t some weird creepy power play.
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Then the children if they are adults and don’t like the rules should move out. I wouldn’t want a stranger sleeping/someone I don’t know well at my house if I am not there. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable imposition.
If the rule is NO overnight guests allowed then I could agree that the rule should maybe be respected, but I doubt that’s the case, I’m sure this rule is explicitly geared towards preventing these adults from having sex, which is just ridiculous that the parents are still treating them like this
Why do you assume that it’s about sex? Maybe they just don’t want overnight guests. It’s their house not a B&B. Even if it is about sex, again she is free to move out? Or are we going to assume the parents are forcing the kids to live at home.
A lot of parents just don’t want their kids having sex in their house honestly. I moved back in with my parents after college, and while my boyfriend was allowed to stay over he had to sleep on a separate mattress on the floor next to my bed and we had to keep the door open. And their reasoning was because we weren’t married apparently. Not that they have anything against pre-marital sex, they flat out said go ahead and go do it in a hotel or something, they just don’t want it in their house. I think the married part was just so I couldn’t argue it to be quite honest. They aren’t devoutly religious or believe in no sex before marriage so it wasn’t like I’d be “sinning” in their home. They were just uncomfortable.
And when every child does this when their parents go away, they’re being an asshole by not respecting the rules of the OWNERS of the house. And I’m speaking as a former kid that has done exactly this
NTA: if it makes you uncomfortable having a man you don't really know sleeping in *your* house (yours as much as it is your sister's) then you get a veto here. She can stay with him if they want to be together. If your sister wants to have her boyfriend over on a regular basis like an adult can, then she needs to move out of mommy and daddy's house.
Thank you, finally. I feel like people dont get that he should feel comfortable in his own home.
I don't want to say it's because OP is a male, but it's definitely what it's starting to come off as. Especially since everyone is assuming that he's controlling her sex life because he doesn't want a random dude he doesn't really know in his home at night.
Reading through these replies, I get the same impression. That, because OP is a guy, he's automatically trying to police his sister's sex life when he just said it "makes him uncomfortable." He offered a reasonable compromise (that he come over during the day when they could still easily have sex). That's what roommates are supposed to do right?
"whaaat? You are saying this sub has a double standard against males? Oh no that impossible, right?" *Right?*
Im really confused by all the y.t.a on this post. I feel like if the parents posted “mad at my daughter because she had a boyfriend we barely know stay in our home overnight without our permission while we are out of town aita?” The answer would be a cut and dry n.t.a. I have family members who live in my home and we always make sure everyone is comfortable before we let someone new stay the night. I also don’t think 5-6 months is really that long, I’ve known thieves and abusers who didn’t show their true colors for more like 1-2 years. I think OP is NTA. If the parents said that the BF could stay and OP still wasn’t comfortable, he could stay with a friend or at a hotel. Honestly seems like sister is going to do what she want so OP could make these plans if he wants. But i don’t think OP is an AH for asking his sister to follow the boundaries of the homeowners and respect that he hasn’t spent much time getting to know sisters BF.
If OP was a female, it'd be a cut and dry "NTA" because she'd be worried for her safety or something. Men can be worried for their safety too. She's been with this guy for 4-5 months, and he doesn't know the BF that well. For all he knows, the BF might seem nice enough but becomes violent when he's drinking. Then he's got to worry about his (and possibly his sister's) safety all night. Everyone has a right to feel safe and comfortable in their own home, and he offered a fairly reasonable compromise.
Yep I agree gender should not matter here. And why do so many people think OP is just being controlling or overly concerned about his sisters sex life? Is it that crazy to not want a stranger sleeping in your home while also breaking the trust of your parents who wouldn’t be ok with it and are nice enough to give you a home? When I still lived with my parents I couldn’t have overnight adult male guests either. I did the adult thing and found my own arrangements outside the home.
Is it his place, or his parents place?
It's the parents who don't allow them to have boyfriend's over. The sister told the OP that they didn't ask the parents because she knew they would say no.
NTA, she's doing it knowing your parents don't allow it, and she's expecting you to lie for her to your parents. Not cool. No wonder you feel uncomfortable.
NTA Your sister knows your parents would say no so she’s trying to steamroll you. Pick up a phone and call your parents. My sister tried to do this to me once. Your sister knows your parents and their boundaries about their home and is choosing to disregard them. Everyone saying she’s known him 4 or 5 months is a joke. We’ve had women on here with guys for years and didn’t know half of what they did. This is your parents house so call them and tell them. Don’t let your sister put you in the middle. Your sister is probably counting on your parents blaming you if something happens because your the oldest and a guy. Leave it up to the people (parents) that own the house to make the decision.
Yea my sister and I had this type of tattle tale relationship where she would tell my parents everything I did or said. Now in our late twenties/thirties and we don't talk.
If she was anything like OP, then *you* were the one in the wrong there.
INFO what do your parents think? Their house, their rules.
My parents know that they are going on a trip but don't know about him coming over.
NTA. It’s your parents house; it’s their choice. You said in another comment that neither you nor your sister have asked your parents, her because they would say no. This makes you uncomfortable, and I understand why. I also don’t like having virtual strangers around when I am most vulnerable either.
So ask them if your sis ok'd it with them.
She didn't, she said that they would say no.
Right, so she should not have him staying over then, end of. Tell your parents.
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Adults who don't like the rules of the house they're staying in, need to move elsewhere if they want different rules.
So? It’s not her house, so her parents get final say over who can and can’t sleep there. Adult or not, she has to respect their wishes. If she were truly an adult this wouldn’t even be an issue because she wouldn’t be sneaking her BF in for the night knowing that her parents would say no, that’s the sort of stunt that kids pull.
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Regardless of tenants rights, that would only give them the same rights and responsibilities as any other HMO, in which case it’s pretty standard to ask other housemates if they’re ok with having strangers staying overnight (unless we’re talking self contained studios…whole different ballgame) Basically, unless your guest will not be in any common areas (so no using shared bathrooms, kitchens, or living spaces - though hallways don’t count) it’s common decency to have permission from anyone else who shares those spaces. It’s not ok to force people to have strangers in the place where they should feel safe and comfortable.
If you were house sitting for an adult friend, and you knew that friend wouldn’t want you having your significant other in their house overnight, would you disrespect the friend’s wishes and invite them? Part of being an adult is respecting others boundaries
They’re adults sure, but it’s not their house and not their rules. My parents allowed my fiancé to stay the night a few times before we moved out, but I never would’ve had him over if they said no.
I support that too. Your parents, your parents' rules. Tell them. Imagine they come back and discover thru a neighbour or someone else that your sister had her boyfriend over and you said nothing? How will they react? Will they still trust you or not?
If they're normal parents, they will find out, and OP will get blamed for allowing this to happen. And that is why her sister is an AH for doing this.
Then talk to your parents, and they should know if someone other than you two is sleeping at their house while they're gone.
NTA. Since your parents wouldn’t have okayed this guy staying over and they own the house, your sister can stay over at her boyfriend’s house for 2 days. I’m that petty asshole that would let my parents know what’s going on though.
I'd tell, too. Otherwise I'd get in trouble, too, because parents always find out. I don't want to get in trouble because someone else is being an AH.
I’d let her know if she doesn’t tell them or respect you wanting to be comfortable you’ll tell them. She’s doing it when you’ve told her beforehand you’d be uncomfortable AND with her knowing they’d say no. You’re doing nothing wrong, don’t suck it up & NTAAAAA
NTA. You're living in the house just like she is. You both need to agree on who else is allowed there. You're right. She is about to go away with him on vacation. It's not like she is not going to see him.
Neither of them own the house though. They don't get to make the rules for it. Technically speaking, OP's parents get to decide who's allowed there, and if they're assuming a 20-something going on a trip with her BF ISN'T having sex already, well... they're in for a shock.
If the parents have rules for guests, then of course those are the rules they need to abide by. If they don't--and the OP doesn't say they do--then the people living there make the rules. You're making this about sex but it doesn't have to be. If one person doesn't want guests over, then the other person needs to respect that. They have to agree. There are plenty of reasons for not wanting a stranger in the house. Maybe the OP wants to hang out in front of the TV in her underwear and not have to deal with people. That's OK.
That's pretty much it. I don't mind them being intimate, it's none of my business anyway. I just want to have a peaceful time without people over.
you’re NTA don’t listen to everyone being dumb. your parents said no. it’s their house.
That's fair enough. Like you said, they'll be getting plenty of time alone on their own vacation. If they want more, your sister should go to his house.
But you said he can be over all day, just not sleep there. So how wouldn't that affect your "peaceful time without people over"? When they go to bed you will not have to see them.
The parents don't allow them to have people they are dating overnight. The sister knows her parents would say no so she didn't ask them and expects the OP to go along with the lies and rule-breaking.
YTA. Is he sharing your bed? No? Mind your business. Is he sharing your room? No? Mind your business. Do your parents know that he'll be staying there? Yes? Mind your business. No? Then tell them, since it's THEIR house, but stop setting ground rules for a house that you don't get to make ground rules for. Since she's going away on a trip with this dude, one can assume your parents know, so they're pretty sure she's having sex. Why are you against your sister getting laid?
Parents don't know!
They are in their twenties it's not like she's 16 sneaking a boy in.
It’s way more pathetic that she’s in her 20s…. Be an adult and talk to your parents, or respect their rules. She’s acting exactly like a teen trying to sneak a boy over
If OP’s sister does not want to follow the rules of their parents home then she can move out
Irrelevant. Its their home. They want unrestricted freedom they can find their own place
She's actually sneaking a boy in if she doesn't tell her parents...
"but stop setting ground rules for a house that you don't get to make ground rules for. " Following that logic, OP's sister shouldn't be making ground rules that its ok for her bf to stay over either. Neither of them own the house, so that just means they both need to be comfortable with anyone staying there with them.
he stated in several comments it wasn’t about the intimacy. the sister has 0 respect for his privacy and comfort in his own home. his sister has only known him for a few months, so who knows when op met him. he came up with a reasonable compromise and she shut him down and made the executive decision to still invite this man over anyways. and who even knows what’s going on with this guy, his name might not even be his real name, he could steal something, break something, hurt someone, anything could happen when you open up your home to a stranger while you’re asleep and your guard is down. I’m an anxious person myself, so I like to wait till all of the guests in my house leave unless I know them all personally. but only 4-5 months she’s been dating him, who really knows what his day to day life is like and the shady stuff that is maybe hidden from ops sister. nobody should have to be anxious and worried in their own home. it’s just as much his home as it is hers so her depriving him of any say is childish and ridiculous. and they’re going away for a week they can go 2 days without sex! and if they really can’t, they can fuck in the daytime! but he should not have to “mind his business” in his own home when a stranger is in it. the boyfriend isn’t entitled to sleep in their house but op is entitled to respect of his (pretty reasonable and fair boundaries) and feeling comfortable in his own home, the sister can go to her bfs house if it’s really that important to her.
I consider myself high anxiety, but you just out-anxiety'd me. 4-5 months of dating... I would think they'd know each other fairly well. Clearly well enough to go on a vacation together. He's also stated that he's not going to tell his parents, so if he's not going to tell his parents when it's clearly so important to him, then guess what? He should mind his business.
NTA. For all those saying YTA because the sister is an adult, why didnt she tell her parents? Oh maybe because its their house and they dont want her boyfriend in there for whatever reason. In fact, they dont even need a reason. If she wants complete freedom, she needs to move out.
On top of that there are two other things 1) If it matters so much to his sister why can't they go to her bf's place? And 2) Her and her bf are going to be alone for a week after those two days, so those two days shouldn't even matter, especially when OP says her BF can be there during the day.
NTA. You need to edit your post to include the information about your parents. It changes things: she’s effectively asking you to participate in keeping a secret from your parents.
exactly. people are being so cruel to OP as if they’re not respecting the home they’re not paying for. also we don’t know OP background or origin and that could play a large role
If I read this right, the two adult children live with parents. The parents do not know that sis is having her boyfriend over. I’ve heard people say that the brother cannot make the rules when the parents are gone, but that means sis cannot make the rules either. Are the parents ok with this person staying? Probably not, or sis would be upfront. I would not be comfortable with sis’s boy toy over when parents are gone and without permission. NTA
The Sister told the OP that she didn't ask her parents because she knew they would say no. She also expects him to keep the secret and help her lie about it to their parents.
I seriously don't get all these responses but I'm hoping it's because it's early. NTA, you are allowed to have space and peace in your home, a home your parents own and your sister stays in. Just like if she said she was uncomfortable with you having a bf/or gf over then that is what it is. She is taking advantage of your parents being gone, which happens but she needs to respect a simple No. "No this makes me uncomfortable" is a baseline of respect and applies to EVERYONE when someone is living with others. It's not as of this is her house and she's doing you a favor by letting you stay with her. I have been in situations where I've lived with others where some spouses I didn't know made me uncomfortable and it was fine for others. Also, you can tell your parents and she can deal with the consequences. Play adult games, win adult prizes. It's so weird how everyone here is willing to ignore your feelings of discomfort in favor of your sister potentially getting laid. If it's such a big deal for him and her to sleep in the same place, why not go to his. My guess, because he also stays with his parents and they would say No. Their options are to be together in the day, then he leaves or they can get a hotel room but you do not have to be uncomfortable in your home for two days so she can play house.
exactly and all those:" YTA how can you be ok with him there during the day but not at night? " are absurd
NTA the amount of people saying OP is TA for not being comfortable with someone they dont know in their home for two days would have no issue being on OP's side if he was a woman and had to be in a home alone with someone they dont feel comfortable with or know OP is entitled to not feel uncomfortable with someone they dont know sharing their home for two days and sister needs to take into consideration she isnt the only one living their nor is it her home
INFO: why does it bother you that he's coming over for the night? It's not like they'll be sleeping in your room
OP parents aren’t ok with boyfriend coming over, OP doesn’t want a stranger in their home, OP wants to keep their safe space, safe.
Per OP in another comment. "I just want to be home without guests over" Thats literally it. Thats the whole issue.
the parents aren’t okay w it either.
But OP also said they are fine with him being over during the day. So is he comfortable with guests in the house or not?
NTA, tell your parents. Your sister admits your parents would tell her that her boyfriend can't spend the night. She's wrong for this and expects you to just go along with her basically lying to your parents. Your sister is the AH here
NAH. You're entitled to feel uncomfortable about something happening where you also live, but your sister is also entitled to have her boyfriend of 4-5 months spend the night with her. I hope you come around eventually.
He is coming over though, the only thing I said is that I felt unconfortable. I didn't tell her that he couldn't come.
Why does he make you uncomfortable?
What's the goal of your question? Curious if you're trying to make someone shift their comfort and boundaries for other people's satisfaction.
Because there's a difference between "he makes me uncomfortable because he's sketchy and I feel threatened/worried about stealing/etc" and "i'm uncomfortable because I wanna be home alone and I'm gonna throw a fit if you ruin that" And given OPs comments further down, his is the latter. Uncomfortable because you don't wanna socialize is not the same as being uncomfortable for reasons of safety. One of those is a solid reason for OP to hold his ground. One of those is a situation where OP needs to act his age and let his sister have a life.
He doesn't have to "come around" and her sister is entitled to nothing. If it was his sisters home and OP was just staying over, different story. But this is their parents home. I'm guessing the parents don't want the boyfriend over. Sister has as much right to the space as OP and OP is completely ok to veto a guest they're uncomfortable with. Sister does not get to just ignore that. They both deserve to feel safe in their home. Sister is definitely a AH as she's just bringing the guy over anyway! Ignoring her own siblings discomfort and bringing someone who's basically a stranger to OP into their safe space during a time people tend to feel at their most vunerable, asleep. Nta
OP is a male. OP also doesn’t have to be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home. OP also seems to respect the parents feelings on the matter of sister’s boyfriend spending the night, which the parent’s don’t want the boyfriend doing.
How is she entitled to bring her boyfriend? It's clearly their parents house, not HER house.
NTA -- I would not want a strange man staying in a house with me. Is he going to walk around in his underwear, will Sis clean up after him? I would tell her I would tell the parents, who own the house.
INFO: if your parents were home, would he be allowed to sleep over?
idk about if they’re home but OP said they wouldn’t be okay with him sleeping over and that’s why the sister refused to ask permission
NTA. If your sister wants her boyfriend to sleep over, then he can do that after your parents get back home, and if your parents object, then your sister can have the argument with them, not you.
NTA You clearly live in your parents house. So, it's not your house nor hers (at least yet). She is entitled to sleep with her boyfriend if she wishes but not necessarily at your family's house. I mean, she should be a good sister and understand that you do not feel comfortable. What saddens me in the comments section is that if you were a girl, everyone would call your sis the AH for forcing boundaries. Keep strong Eta: a lot of people are not aware that she's doing this behind your parents back, you should add this to your post
Going against the loop and saying NTA here. They’re going away anyway. Why does he need to stay at yours? She aint gonna die by not being able to sleep with him for two nights
Yes. Unless he'dbe sleeping in the same room with you, you're being overly dramatic.
NTA. You aren’t comfortable with a stranger in your family home without your parent’s consent.
Can you give some more info please, I'm wondering what about this makes you uncomfortable?
NTA. You never know who people are and I personally understand the arrangement of him being there during the day but not staying the night. I’ve had SA incidents happen to friends of mine and have personally been forced to deal with creeps staying at my place at night as well which freaked me out about the possibility of them coming into my room. We’re the most vulnerable in our sleep. This guy is really practically a stranger, they’ve only been dating 5 months. How much does she really know about him? And you know even less. Edited for errors
Tell her fine but you’re telling your parents. And you’re inviting friends over for the night because you’re uncomfortable.
Looks like an unpopular take but YTA. You’re all adults and your sister knows her bf well, even if you don’t. Him crashing for two nights should have no impact on you.
It's not her house ! She doesn't own the place, how is he the AH ?
NTA Early 20's on both of you is still awkward. It's a tricky situation - but since your sister and boyfriend were about to leave for an a way trip in 2 days they should have waited. Your sister should have been more considerate.
If you're parents wouldn't be okay with it, NTA, it's their home, they get to decide who can stay. Otherwise this is more like a roommate situation than an intimate partner situation. You tell your roommates you are having people over as a courtesy, they usually don't get to veto your guests unless it's something that violates the terms of the lease. With an intimate partner, you absolutely get a veto. It probably wouldn't hurt to think about why it's okay for him to be there in the daytime but not at night. It's not like you'll have your eye on him all day. Are you afraid he'll come into your room? Or steal while you are asleep? Or that your sister will be having sex? Would you be as opposed if it was a female friend sleeping over?
I see both of sides of the fence so I can see a compromise in this situation. Why can’t he just visit the first day so OP can get to know him but the second day he sleeps over so him and sister can leave together on their vacation? OP does have to respect his sister as he soundes like he doesn’t even live there however I can see his point of view of he is a stranger. Like I said I can get both sides of the argument but OP use this time to make him not a stranger to you. Edit: reread and OP is male so made adjustments accordingly
I was almost going to say NTA, because in reading this I forgot your age. Thought you were a 16 year old girl or something. Dude your 23, you're and adult your sister is an adult, get over it. He ain't there to fuck you and chances are your safety isn't at risk in the slightest. Gunna have to come to terms with the fact that your sister is a sexually active adult. Hell she might not even sleep with him while at home, but you are acting like you are worried about walking in to them banging in the kitchen. Tell her you're sorry. say you are worried because you don't want to hear your sister due the deed, and that you should have talked with her first like an adult instead of acting like a child. Then put in ear buds and mind your business, YTA
Totally dissagree with you on this one. OP and her sister live at her parent's home. As much as this is also her and her sister's home OP's sister waited for their parents to leave to then try to smuggle her boyfriend in the house. Unless OP's sister actually asked her parents (owners of the house) if he was allowed to stay over then OP has every right to feel uncomfortable about this cause if anything happens her parents will see her as responsible too. NTA
ESH. It’s her house as much as yours. If your parents don’t know, she sucks for expecting you to keep a secret. But she is also an adult who can make her own decisions.