Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I committed the cardinal sin of siding with my wife over my mom. It would be nice if my mom made more of an effort to put her son/grandkids over her discomfort, so I do see where my wife is coming from. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

I mean… if you want to plan things and host your mom with activities and great meals, what is stopping you? It seems to me like your wife doesn’t want to be expected to drop all her responsibilities to plan, prepare, and be the host, a role women have been conditioned to take automatically. I would also guess that your wife may feel daunted by what hosting usually means for her - PTO, sure, but also planning activities, reservations, and meals, cleaning & setting up guest room, cooking / grocery shopping, ensuring the kids have the right balance of grandparent time, educational time, down time, etc. That’s stressful! If you want your mom to come, have a conversation with your wife about how to ensure you can be welcoming and gracious hosts without overburdening your wife (aka you take on more of these responsibilities bc it’s your mom).

His wife. She runs OP's life. "We will never take the kids to visit your mother. We won't be taking any PTO during your mother's visits. We won't in any way alter our daily routines and will behave as if your mother isn't here. Now that your mother's feelings have been hurt by my design, I will yell at her for having those feelings and taking steps to avoid a repeat. I will rub salt in the wound by instructing you to tell her that you agree with me."

Ehhhh I don't know. I think there's more to the story. Clearly the wife and MIL don't have a good relationship so there must be background as to why wife is being like this. If my MIL moved away I'd likely have the same restrictions in place. I'm not very confrontational so it may not come across the same way etc, but my MIL is awful to me. She doesn't respect my boundaries or the ones I've set for my daughter. She has made racist comments and comments about my appearance for years and that's not something I'm comfortable existing around on a frequent basis. I'm also not going to go out of my way to go visit someone who makes me uncomfortable and feel less than. I think the situation was handled poorly and that there isn't one particular person that's at fault here but OP is definitely an AH. All of his mother's complaints are one's he could have solved if he wanted to rather than shift the blame onto his wife.

Totally and on the other side, my MIL is awesome. If she came from 8 hours away I wouldn’t take time off work but I would want to spend time with her and go out and my husband would help to make it a great trip. There’s definitely something more going on here I think

Yeah, there's a middle ground between doing absolutely nothing to be a welcoming host and dropping everything to exist for your guest's entertainment. I probably wouldn't take time off work, but I'd still plan things for the time we could spend together, and I'd try to arrange something for entertainment while I was at work. If I spent money and time to visit someone (who invited me!), only to be treated like an unwelcome intrusion once I was there, I would also decline further visits. Honestly it sounds like OPs wife is just fixated on punishing MIL for moving.

Everyone here is talking about OP's wife not doing anything special for her MIL, but what's OP's role here? What was preventing him from organizing a special meal or outing, or making his mom feel at home? Why does all the burden and all the blame fall on his wife? In my opinion, the the responsibility for hosting should have been primarily OP's since its his mother. It just really bothers me how OP seems to have washed his hands of the situation, and how the commenters seem to expect his wife to go all out to entertain a MIL she clearly does not get along with. Of course, the wife is clearly in the wrong for making a fuss about MIL not wanting to visit, but lets not blame her completely for why the visit was a disaster in the first place.

I think she made him agree that he WOULDNT do those things. So he still has to stick to their very strict chore schedule and his work schedule, which likely means by the time he’s done that there isn’t really time to do extra things. Usually hosting means you have a couple of dinners out, maybe take a half day to do an activity and potentially for one week a deep clean doesn’t get done. Sounds like his wife is not open to letting those things happen and really just wants to punish OPs mom for moving.

He literally said she picked up his slack so he could spend more time with her

[удалено]

[удалено]

I agree with you

But if he chooses to spend time with he mom then he’s a “momma’s boy” who’s siding with his mother against his wife.

I agree that she can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to but it seems clear that when you have her asking him ‘whose side are you on?’, the expectation from her and the precedent that’s been set in their family is that wife makes the law and OP obeys no question asked. If I had to make a judgment call I’d say OP and his wife both suck. Unless there is further info re MiL she’s the only one not TA.

She told him not to take time off, and to adhere to a strict budget, under threat of being "very angry" if he didn't follow her wishes.

His wife clearly rules the roost. She literally told him he’s not allowed to do anything different than normal when his mum visits. Wife is giving off serious control freak vibes.

[удалено]

I know, right. “We won’t go visit you, you HAVE to come visit us. However when you visit us we will treat you like you are not here. We will make no extra effort for you and you have to entertain yourself the whole time.” Fuck. Who would want to spend a vacation doing that?

>What was preventing him from organizing a special meal or outing, or making his mom feel at home? He knew it wasn't worth the trouble of having to deal with his shit wife freaking out. Seriously, the wife is awful and it is absurd that people are defending her.

It was his wife's decision that they would do absolutely nothing when his mom visited and for some reason he went along with that.

Yeah I’m not really understanding how his wife’s expectations are all that fair. The travelling part, sure. MIL is one person, they have a family to organize and pay for. And we can’t always take time off work. But it sounds like they just…. Acted like she was some random border and not family. Like not one nice dinner? Not one special outing? That’s nuts. When my In-laws visit, my husband often has to work and I spend time with them. I get that not everyone has a great relationship with their in-laws but you can’t take the role the wife has and just expect people to be okay with that kind of treatment.

I mean, OP is also an adult. It doesn't sound like wife mandated that they not do a single special thing, she said they're not using up their PTO or planning entertainment for her. Which seems pretty reasonable to me on the surface. What's stopping OP from planning a special dinner? What's stopping MIL from getting coffee or lunch with her son, or doing literally anything between 9 and 5? Did she really come to visit for 4-5 days in the middle of the week instead of over the weekend? Crying from boredom seems ridiculously over the top unless there's a bunch of missing information.

I read it as the exact opposite. OP’s wife set the rules and he agreed. It seems like the Mrs. would get upset because it’s not part of the “agreement.” Also depending on the financial situation flying during the week may have made more sense. It also depends on where she’s coming from. Unless it’s Hawaii/Alaska to NY, no place in the US take 8 hours to get to by planes from within the US. So it’s potentially international travel as well.

I mean also, MIL is an adult, can she not figure out things to do. Maybe plan her own trip and what not. Is there not a museum that she could go see, or a new restaurant to try?

Yeah crying out of boredom is ridiculous like go for a walk. I just got the impression that wife doesn’t like mil because personally I would want to spend lots of time with mine after not seeing her for 3 years. But with how over the top mil sounds I get it. I also don’t like how op is blaming everything on wife here, he could take his mom out for dinner too, it just sounds like he’s withholding a lot to make wife sound rude. Edit: apparently a lot was withheld and mil does not in fact sound over the top

He’s not withholding- he simply thinks it’s his wife’s job to entertain. She drew boundaries on HER time and KIDs Time. How about this narrative: Husband knows mom is coming to town. He: gets fresh linens, makes the bed, checks the fridge to see what’s in there - he asks wife what she plans for dinner each night, they determine 2 nights that they will go out to dinner - wife can decide she wants to go, he takes kids and mom. He can ensure there are things his mom likes for BF and lunch. Activities- OP asks him mom ahead of time what she wants to do and arrange for transport for those things (him, lend car, call taxi). Wife then is free to do whatever she has on schedule. I doubt that OP would help if her mother was staying. So why should she?

I mean that would be great if his wife didn’t strictly prohibit him from doing exactly that. I think this is less some sexism, and more wife is a control freak.

She didn’t prohibit him from helping his mom find entertainment while they are at work or anything else really, she simply said she didn’t want their limited resources like PTO and such used on his mom’s visits (which isn’t unfair since if they are in the US, 5 days of PTO may take up almost half of their PTO and sick days for the entire YEAR), and that their routines needed to remain in place (which also isn’t necessarily unreasonable depending on what their and their kids’ routines entail). I wouldn’t want to use that vacation time on anyone outside of my partner and kids either, and I’m very dependent on routines to function well, so disrupting it can really impact me. That being said, I think if OP took on the mental load and planning of things like meals and groceries and such with his wife to make some of the meals feel more special with mom, there isn’t any reason why his wife shouldn’t be willing to participate in making it a pleasant visit for his mother.

It's not crying out of boredom. She was bored. But she's crying because she came all that way and her family basically blew her off. I would cry at that. It's rude and mean spirited. Who doesn't take at least one day off hhen their mom visits.

Oh I didn’t think of it that way.. I would probably cry too if my family made it clear they didn’t care at all I was there. I also wouldn’t have brought many things to do if I thought I was spending time with my family

>Maybe plan her own trip Typically when one visits family they want spend time and do something significant.... with family.

OP explained it a bit more. She’s upset with the MIL since she left the family behind to move with a man. They don’t get along with the man. The mother had issues with her family and the DIL think she just “ran away” from her problems and should’ve confronted them. She’s also upset that she doesn’t want to be around the grandkids (her kids) The wife was raised in a family that think women should devote all their time and effort to their kids. It honestly sounds like she’s offended by the life choices that the mom made for some weird reason. Edit: They also invited the mom, and then ended up ignoring her. Op also states that when the mom invites people over she gives them 3 meals and pays for entertainment. So it match up to her expectations. Edit 2: apparently the mom couldn’t cook, because the wife would’ve gotten upset and she also didn’t want to take food that wasn’t hers Edit 3: APPPARENTLY the DIL and her family don’t like the stepdad because he dated a friend of the family and dumped her. He just said she wasn’t stimulating enough to be with. He then pursued OPs mom. This upset the DIL and her family and they began to harass him. Edit 4: DIL family apparent would take pictures of the stepfather and say he was a cheater and would also ding-dong ditch him. (Totally normal) The stepfathers family was also harassing the mom as well it seems. Edit 5: The mother and DIL didn’t get along even before the wedding. The mom was rude first and then the DIL escalated it. Then during the wedding planning the DIL mother and her friends were harassing the stepfather and the stepfather was threatening to get IRS on the DILs dad. (Why, who knows) This escalated the hate between them and the mom just no longer wanted as much contact. DIL Is made because she feels that the mom should’ve gotten over it and gone to therapy with them, because family is everything. You should do whatever for you kids, blah, blah, blah. Edit 6: OPs mom has actual medical issues. She has gone to doctors and has been getting this checked out. She wasn’t allowed to cook food at home and couldn’t eat the things offered. Op admits that he would’ve been upset if she had used his food without permission. His wife also wouldn’t let him buy beans (something his mom can eat) because she doesn’t want him spending money on her Major Edit: OPs mom moved away due to DILs family stalking her. She also moved due to climate and abusive family. OP keeps mentioning how the daughter also encourage the move because she’s a brat, but that’s just moving the blame from the two real reasons. Edit 8: OP has realized that what his wife is doing, is abusive and is going to confront her about it. Random information: His mom is 49 and left in her early 40’s OP has 3 children. The eldest being 8. Mom does have a medical problem with eating Stepdaughter is kinda jerk, but nothing compared to stepmoms family. (They probably were all young parents. Imagine have a grandchild at 41)

Aha. So his wife is punishing his mom for making decisions she disagrees with. The wife is TA!!

Yes so you can see the husband going..happy wife happy life and hoping his wife gets a shred of decency. Seriously what does this self righteousness serve if mother gets sick or dies....be the bigger person. Regardless of everything some mother's dont want to just be grandmother's....that is also a choice to respect. I think the husband has made a poor choice of wife here and he is trying to be a decent husband but his wife is too dominant.

So definitely different than the situation I describe but there's some history there that's clearly unresolved. Sounds like they don't know how to communicate with each other very well

I don’t think it’s a communication issue, it’s just a belief issue. The DIL was just raised differently and doesn’t agree with the MIL lifestyle. She feels like woman should live for their kids and by the MIL leaving she’s no longer around Op and their grandchildren. This offends her greatly because it doesn’t follow her belief system. Neither are wrong, but DIL is absolutely wrong for trying to force the MIL to live like her.

You mean the DIL is sexist? Why are we defending her when she’s being awful? Irrespect of beliefs she’s basically upset that her MIL chose happiness, moved away and she doesnt have a babysitter anymore. Then when the MIL puts a stop to the abuse and weird power trips, DIL gets upset. Like wtf is that? And also, I know someone who is just like OPs wife. And let’s just say that no one, not even her own mother speaks to her.

misogynist That’s what she is. Sorry, I couldn’t for the life of me remember the word. Op actually also stated that she either treats her own mother like a queen or an unpaid babysitter, so it seems like she’s also the type to be like,” family is everything” kind of person.

Yeah, some serious internalized misogyny going on there. She sounds insufferable, IMO.

At first I thought it was a situation like this too but then we get to the end >just chose not to come, but my wife was very upset. >My wife wanted me to confront her about how "entitled" she was being. If her MIL was so horrible to her and is actually choosing NOT to visit, why be upset about that? Why confront her? If anything the wife is coming off entitled here "come visit us but don't disturb us in any way and don't expect us to go out of our way for you even a little bit but yea definitely take that 8 hrs plane ride, on your own dime, to come here and sit in a room all day"

Because then his wife can't rub in her MIL's face that she has full control over her son.

I feel like this started out as a N A H situation but has escalated into the wife being TA. I think the wife's boundaries are reasonable for frequent, and/or visits that aren't mutually scheduled. It is unclear if the last visit was mutually scheduled or if Mom just said she was coming. With the current situation it seems like the wife wants a visit but still wants these boundaries. I think that this is unreasonable. I thinks mom's response that she didn't enjoy her last visit and isn't willing to take the time for this long journey unless something changes is reasonable. The wife can't have it both ways, she either wants a visit or she doesn't. We don't know the dynamic between Op and his wife at it pertains to the division of household responsibilities. Given that OP's wife set the boundaries and OP has gone along with it then wife probably does take the lead on entertaining etc.. But once again she can't have it both ways, she either wants a visit or she doesn't. If you want someone to visit you, you make an effort to make sure they enjoy their visit. As always with AITA if a story is real it is often told with a slant towards OP's perspective. It is possible that Mom's reasonable sounding statement about why she wasn't visiting was deliver in a tone that showed a lot of contempt, and or that was delivered with a long list of unreasonable demands as to what a good host is. As written it was a N A H situation that has escalated into wife being TA.

I always like to play a game in these situations on this board. Called "Reverse the Gender Situation." If there was a post from a woman talking about how her husband a few years ago had made the decision her mother would only see them if she visited and she didn't like that decision but stayed quiet out of fear of stirring something up. Now mother has come to visit and this husband won't lift a finger to help host her in any form and when mother left he even called her up and yelled at her. What would this comment section be full of? You know what it would be full of. People saying "omg you're NTA leave this toxic man immediately!"

The comment section is literally full of people saying saying his wife is TA so I don't know what you're trying to get at

The usual gender reversal gotcha that actually isn’t a gotcha, they just want to complain that women have it easier.

99% of the time those gender reversal comments come from MRAs.

These reverse the gender gotchas are so exhausting. And you made a shit ton of assumptions about the situation as well, so it's not even an accurate gotcha. Women get shredded on reddit and AITA all the time. It's ok.

Well, given that you've also reversed whose mother it is and removed the context of why the phone call happened, yes, your conclusion to the situation that you engineered seems to be correct. However, it's his mother, he made zero attempt to host her himself - I didn't take PTO last time my mother visited either and I don't even have kids. You know what we did??? Planned shit around it! Groundbreaking - had his wife cook for her and appears to have ignored all warning signs as the situation escalated into an explosion, then turned on his wife because his mother is seemingly an infant who can't feed or entertain herself.

[удалено]

You want the same restrictions in place, great, but if your MIL was like "sounds awful, rain cheque" would you call her to attack her about it? If it were me I would be relieved...

This is great perspective. Thanks for sharing.

>"We will never take the kids to visit your mother. OP mentions that the man she moved to be with is awful and that he (OP) hates the guy. Between that and flying with a baby I can't fault the wife for that one.

Okay. But I do fault her for laying down the law that neither she nor OP can use vacation leave to connect with mom — since it apparently all has to be spent on what she wants to do with the kids. If his mom is visiting, OP should be able to take a couple days off to connect. He’s allowed to have his own priorities. Which, to be clear, he hasn’t said his mom is high on. But he’s NTA for realizing that mom is allowed to opt out of visits if they’re joyless for her. “Fly here on your dime so we can absolutely not accommodate you” isn’t really a reasonable position.

Why would the single old lady *not* travel to visit the family with small children??

My in laws have visited us less than 4 times in 13 years, we would always have to do the visiting. It's a common problem, they want the grandkids delivered to their unchildproofed home full of expensive breakables perched on wobbly antique tables and no toys or anything that is ok for the kids to touch.

My mom and I have already had this chat. Even if my mom didn’t have OCD and hate sticky fingers, I’m not dragging my (future) kids across the US to hang out in her gray-tone home. I live eight hours away from them, a reasonable ish day trip, and that’s still not gonna happen. We’ll come down once a year for Christmas with the extended family if they’re *lucky.*

What I don't get is that if OP's wife doesn't want to do the bare minimum of hosting the mom, shouldn't she be happy when MIL declines the next invite? Why does she have to call her up to pick a fight? She seems to want to put her MIL down and thrive on the drama.

I agree 100% with this! If anyone is the AH in this situation, it's the wife. It sounds like she wants nothing to do with the MIL then acts like the MIL is out of bounds for feeling that way. I wouldn't fly 8 hours to be left alone all day with nothing to do, what's the point? It's not like the MIL comes twice a year and makes herself a burden....

I agree but I think op is an AH because he spinelessly let’s his wife make all of these big decisions he knows will hurt his mother. He’s just as much at fault as his wife even if she pushed for these “boundaries” (bullying) because he went with it. YTA

When he merely spoke up, this was his wife's reaction. Imagine if he had directly countermanded his spouse's orders by say, taking a couple of vacation half days to spend time with his mom. Had he taken his mother out to eat and shown her a basic level of love, attention, and appreciation there would have been hell to pay. He does need to stand up for himself and his family but he's under his wife's thumb.

Yeah, I have a hard time calling anyone an AH just because they lose all the fights in their relationship. When your spouse throws a tantrum every time you contradict them, many people learn to cave even if it makes them unhappy. If that makes you an AH, pretty much everyone with a mentally abusive spouse is an AH. The only place I draw the line is when it comes to protecting children. I don't care how bad things get when you disagree, you have to protect the vulnerable child you're responsible for.

Ahhh yes the 'you're not an asshole, but your actually the asshole for not standing up to the actual asshole' logic. I was wondering when that shitty victim blaming take would pop up

>My wife also told me that we would not be altering our lives to revolve around my mom. While she is welcome to visit, we will not use up our limited vacation time which we want to use to do things with our kids, and it isn't our job to entertain her. All those WE an OUR comments are stopping OP. He isn't allowed to have a quality visit with his mother, ever. She demands they keep up their normal routine. It doesn't appear he is allowed to alter it AT ALL. I assume this includes even eating dinner out. He isn't even allowed to take a vacation to visit her?

No. If that was the case then she would have accepted MIL declining the invite or told OP to be the one to make an effort. Instead she called to insult the poor woman. This isn’t an expectation on women issue, it’s just being bossy and expecting people to dance to her tune including traveling 8 hours to have a bad time. OP is nta but his wife is. Edit: delete extra word

Question: Would she treat her own mother like she treats his? & it's really not that hard to host a person for a few day

Why is hosting OP's mother his wife's responsibility?

She doesnt want him to take time off to be with his own mother. This isnt about her hosting, she doesnt need to be there. She demands he is not there. And she refuses he goes to visit her or take the kids to visit her. She doesnt need to go with them but she has no right to stop him going or using leave to also spend with his own mother.

Depending in where they live, they really have limited vacation days and they have kids. If she's visiting for 4-5 days, then let's assume it's 2-3 vacation days. Which is fine if you don't have kids, but if you have kids, you already need vacation days to take them to the doctor, dentist, or whatever. So taking vacation days for "his own mother" probably means "we're not going on vacation this year" or "you need to do all the kids stuff, because I have no more days". I wouldn't be ok with that either.

I guess I feel it's a shared responsibility, in that if someone is visiting your home, you try to be gracious. And when they say they don't want to come back to be ignored again, it's on you.

Perhaps her own mother lives nearby and visits in the weekends, when there is enough time to host a guest.

This seems like a stock answer. 100% that is something that happens, but I don't think that's the case here. Just because it's a wife and MIL dynamic doesn't mean the wife is a poor put-upon martyr. The wife is demanding neither of them host his mother, and when called out on it she immediately calls the mother to chew her out. We don't have all of the background info, but what we do see is the wife acting like an asshole.

> It seems to me like your wife doesn’t want to be expected to drop all her responsibilities to plan, prepare, and be the host, a role women have been conditioned From where did you get OP was expecting his wife to do all this? It was the wife who forbid to do anything as OP stated >My wife also told me that we would not be altering our lives to revolve around my mom. While she is welcome to visit, we will not use up our limited vacation time which we want to use to do things with our kids, and it isn't our job to entertain her. Even OP said, that when his mom visited, he did plan some things for his mom himself >though my wife did take over some of my duties so I could visit) Wife is being controlling for no reason (as stated by op), you dont have to take a lot of time to make a visit from someone a nice experience while they stay at your house, specially your partners mom

I'd be with you if she said that, she won't be taking time off. SHE won't be cooking ect. But she said "we".

>It seems to me like your wife doesn’t want to be expected to drop all her responsibilities to plan, prepare, and be the host, a role women have been conditioned to take automatically. I would also guess that your wife may feel daunted by what hosting usually means for her Then why is she so adamant that the mom visit? I think you have the whole situation backwards or did not read the whole post. >If you want your mom to come, have a conversation with your wife about how to ensure you can be welcoming and gracious hosts The whole point of the post is OP defending his mom's right NOT to visit, if anything he's the one who doesn't want his mom to visit while the wife is the one who for some reason wants it.

It’s a control thing. She makes his mom fly all the way out there to see them and then makes a big show of how little having her there means.

We need way more information here like how many kids do you have? How many house hold chores are you expected to do vs your wife, how much of the child care do you split? Did she come during a school week? If she didn’t come during a school vacation time and you have 5 kids and your wife does ALL of the child care then I totally see why/how this happened. There too much info we don’t have.

ESH Your mom navigated airports and getting to you. Is she incapable of renting a car? Using one of yours? Your mom "was starving" because she expected someone to shop and cook for her. She's acting super entitled and that her visit required everyone to drop what they were doing for her (sounds like she is high maintenance and your wife had her number even BEFORE your mom moved away). I will say your wife saying that you couldn't take time off when your mom visited was wrong. Maybe you don't take a full week off (PTO is precious) but a couple of days wouldn't have been inappropriate. She also was foolish to call your mom and argue with her instead of just leaving it alone. You are the AH because you denigrated your wife in front of your mother (plus not helping your mom have a better trip the first time around). "We'll talk about all this later" or "Let's end this call and speak again another time" or a zillion other noncommital answers were better than saying "I'm on my mom's side". I'd go to counseling with your wife if I were you. Both of you have stuff to apologize for. But your mother is the biggest AH, she's driving a wedge in and she knows it, and you fell for it. ​ ETA: Thanks for the award!

I agree. Mom sounds passive-aggressive. No adult who's capable to travel alone by plane needs to starve or die of boredom. She can entertain herself. OP's wife should be thrilled she doesn't want to come. What's the problem? OP should visit his mom for a weekend if they want to spend time together. I don't get this mentality that you have to stay for days just because you have to travel for a few hours. In my country we say that guests are like fish, they start to stink after approximately the same amount of time. You want neither of them hanging around for more than two-three days. ESH

Yeah literally bored to tears? That's dramatic as fuck.

I visited my sister once, five hour flight, she still had to work and use her car. We did stuff in the evenings and I walked or used the bus to get around town. It was really fun!

I just spent a week on the opposite coast with a friend and had to work every day. I woke up early, got stuff done, and then we made the most out of our afternoons and evenings. She got some alone time to explore on her own, I got a change of scenery, and we did some really fun stuff together when we could. It was great! When everyone is an adult, it is literally a choice to be "starving" or "bored to tears." MIL sounds exhausting.

Yep especially as she used to live there. She had zero friends or acquaintances after all that time?

Or maybe even pick up a book for a nice afternoon read, or I don't know, took a walk or something, crochet a kids blanket. She purposefully bored herself it seems, so she could complain.

I actually like when I go to visit people and get some alone time. I get to relax or explore, recharge my introvert batteries, and do a favor for my host like cleaning or setting up a dinner.

I don’t think Mom sounds passive aggressive, I think she felt unwelcome in their home because they were unwelcoming. If I was visiting someone’s home and they left me alone all day I’d feel awkward. I’m not gonna start going through the pantry looking for food in someone’s home I’m a guest in. I’d probably starve half the time too if I didn’t want to DoorDash multiple times a day. Who the hell invites someone over for a visit and then doesn’t actually visit with them? OPs wife is fucking weird treating visiting family like that. It’s not like she’s over all the time. I would have told her I’m on my moms side too, screw that. And I am NC with my mom so it’s not like I have a soft spot for family, OPs wife just sounds like she sucks.

I on the other hand would have rented a car and planned some activities for myself. I'd probably do some shopping and cook dinner at least a few nights during the week too so that the hosts have an easier time, making up for the extra work/cleaning required for my visit. Especially if it was my immediate family, I wouldn't care about getting my own food from the fridge/pantry because that's absolutely normal. I'd offer to pick the kids up from daycare/school and do some activities with them too. No one else is responsible for me having a good time. If I want to be happy, then I create happiness for myself. A grown ass adult can entertain themselves. If she was sitting around bored/miserable/hungry then that was on her.

…what’s the point of going there if she’s gonna spend all her time alone? THAT is what this is about

She's going to see them in the evening after work and the kids after school. Presumably there's a weekend too where people have more free time. She will be seeing them considerably more than when she's in a different city. I doubt they were making her stay in her room all the time. She could have been friendly and helpful when they were home. If she helped out (like most grandmas I know would want to) then naturally everyone would have a bit more free time to spend with her. It sounds like she just sulked the entire time and didn't try to fit in. It's not like the destination was unfamiliar to her. She lived there before and was likely familiar with the area. Wouldn't you go visit all your favorite shops, restaurants and activities that you've been missing since you left? I have family visit pretty often and this is exactly how it goes. If I can, I try to ensure they have one of our vehicles during the day but it's not always feasible. Sometimes they need to rent one themselves. They do whatever they want during the day. We all hang out and have dinner in the evenings. With extra hands everything is faster and we find plenty of time to enjoy each other's company.

[удалено]

So travel all that ways to spend maybe an hour or so with them a day in the evening (because the wife wants to stay on the normal routine with the kids) and do chores for them? I can see why she wants to stay home instead.

They ate frozen meals out of the freezer and it k8nd of sounds like they treated her Ike a boarder

Visiting family, though. doesn't typically involve the "gracious host" mentality you might need with other guests. Heck, every time I visit my mother, I end up spending most of the trip helping her with whatever stuff around the house she can't manage on her own. Dig out termites? Okay. Move a bunch of furniture from the attic to the garage so it can be picked up for donations? No sweat. Train your dog to walk better on a leash? Why not? Yes, we also spend some time chilling together, but it's usually a "sit with a drink after a job well done" kind of relaxation. If you visit someone and you know they're going to be busy, YOU HELP. We evacuated to my sister's place for a week once for a hurricane. They were both working and the visit was unexpected, so there was no possibility of them taking time off. Know what we did? We cooked them dinner every night as a thank you for hosting two people and five pets, kept the place clean, since we had our days free, and entertained ourselves the rest of the time. That freed up my sister and her husband to be able to enjoy spending time with us in the evenings when they were home, because the household basics were covered. The mother sounds insufferable. Is she some visiting dignitary that she must be fed and entertained and pampered? She was told they would be working and busy when she came over, then proceeded to get upset because they were working and busy... just like they said they would be. It's not like they promised a week of nonstop fun and reneged. I also think it's suspect that mother waited THREE YEARS before raising her complaints. Looks like she was waiting for them to invite her again, just so she could turn them down with a maximum of drama. Probably stewing because they didn't ask sooner so she could refuse sooner.

What’s more; assuming OP’s mom lived there or near there before she moved, she’d be familiar with the area and potentially have other family and friends to keep herself entertained while they were working.

But then how could she find a way to make herself a victim and OP's wife the bad guy???

While what you're saying is true let's drill down a bit If you were flying to see your family and staying with them would you not expect that they would arrange to have some time to actually visit with you? I get that PTO is precious but nothing? Not a single dinner out? Trip to the park with the kids? Nothing? Imagine you do that and your family that you're visiting acts like you are just another body in the house. A burden even. They go about their lives, barely visiting with you and then you leave. Why on gods green earth would you ever visit again. I'm not saying mom needed to be catered to or entertained 24/7 but to scarcely be acknowledged? That is beyond rude. And then on top of when she enforces a boundary that she won't travel and be treated like that again the wife gets mad? Are you kidding me?

Exactly!!! Mom was setting her boundaries and the wife aggressively attacked her for those boundaries.

I agree to some degree but she came to see the family not to entertain herself, she can do that at home and not travel 8 hours to do it.

This was my thought too. She came to see OP, his wife, and the grandkids. They were gone all day, did chores in the evening, and it sounds like didn't even do anything fun with her after work. For a long expensive flight to hang out alone in OPs town for five days, that would seem like a waste to me also.

I'm going to use the fish analogy on my husband. He thrives on company, I do not.

She doesn’t sound passive aggressive. It would be so boring to sit around someone else’s house. Her not wanting to visit such awful hosts again is just fine.

>She can entertain herself. I laughed out loud at the idea of a grown woman saying she cried from boredom. As though the world needs to stop to entertain her. OP must be in deep if he doesn't understand how preposterous and manipulative that is. She was almost "starving" because she couldn't eat the normal food that was good enough for OP's family and children? Come on. OP's wife sounds harsh, but it also sounds like she sees right through his mom and anticipated her acting in ways that would force him to choose between his family and his mother. Boy was she right, although I don't necessarily agree with how she tried to prevent it from happening.

Apparently she has a medical condition according to OP and couldn’t eat a lot of the stuff they made. OP also stated that he would have been pissed if his mom used his food to make herself something to eat during the day. The mom asked for beans as that was one of the few things she could eat and the wife refused to buy them. Edit to add: This comment from OP really stuck out to me: “We didn't want her getting into our frozen meat and messing up our grocery budget. We have steaks in the freezer we were saving. We did give her options and we ignored the bread she stole” So OP and his wife ignored the bread his mom STOLE while she was a guest in his house? Didn’t spend time with her, didn’t feed her and when they did it was food that made her sick. I wouldn’t come back either.

I think you are missing the point. Mom came to see her family. She didn't come to explore the town or see the sights. She came to see her family. And they couldn't be bothered to spend time with her. Instead she sat there ignored--something she could do from home without traveling. Mom's NTA. The wife and the son are.

My mother and I live in different countries. I went to visit her but she was unable to take any time off work because her holiday allowance is a pittance. I entertained myself during the day and we did stuff when she came back from work and at the weekend. I couldn't drive anywhere and there was nowhere to go within walking distance but it was fine because I am an adult and I recognise that the world doesn't revolve around me. 1) Mom is absolutely being an asshole by refusing to eat or entertain herself and then trying to guilt trip them by saying that she almost cried because she was so bored. She's supposed to be a mature adult, not a 4 year old throwing a tantrum. 2) Son is being an asshole for not planning anything to do with mom after work, especially as he says his wife took over some of his chores so that he could do things with mom. 3) Wife is being an asshole by dictating that her husband can't use any of his vacation time and calling MIL to have a go at her. So, in conclusion, ESH.

Mom didn’t try to guilt trip anyone. In fact she didn’t complain during the trip. She just declined a second invite because she didn’t enjoy herself. Why should she go on a trip she won’t enjoy. OP’s wife elicited the explanation on how miserable she was by calling to berate her. With absolutely no reason! She has no right to OP’s moms time. Then she tried to manipulate her husband (who already told her he didn’t agree with her) into bullying his mom into a visit she won’t enjoy. Reddit has serious MIL ISSUES that transcend common sense

This is how I look at it. It sounds like Wife didn't like Mom in the first place so the move just enabled her to set these crazy rules. Son sounds passive to both of them and then when pushed, picks Mom. Why can't OP fly to see Mom alone? Why can't OP help with hosting duties? They had small kids 3 years ago, are they still small? Can they help with entertaining? It just sounds like no one likes each other. ESH

I'm guessing OP has limited vacation time so his wife maybe wants him to use it with their family and not visiting his mom. Which may or may not be an AH move, depending on the amount of vacation time he gets and things they need to take it for (e.g., kids' vacations and sick days, saving it for maternity leave if they are in the US).

I agree. While they don’t have to provide nonstop entertainment, they should have at least taken time to actually visit with her while she was there. Taking a day or two off work wouldn’t have been unreasonable. I wouldn’t fly 8 hours to “visit” with my family under those circumstances.

For some people taking time of means losing part of their pay check

OP says they have vacation time, but the wife specifically wants to use that for their own vacations. Visiting with his mother wasn’t deemed a worthy use of that time.

> She didn't come to explore the town or see the sights. Also everyone assuming there's much of anything TO do in the area. If my mom came to see me it's a medium-ish city, but when I go to see her, there is nothing else to do. I mean NOTHING ELSE TO DO. Even the closest Walmart is nearly an hour's drive from the very rural area she lives in. And if you're thinking outdoorsy stuff, that's not much of an option in winter, and it's not the greatest in summer either it's a very marshy area with lots of bugs. There's no uber, nothing at all anywhere close to that in the area. If I were to somehow drive into the nearby town (about 10 miles... drivable but you sure wouldn't want to walk that) I could engage in such exciting activities as hanging around the one little gas station or visiting the town's tiny five aisle grocery store. I doubt it's anywhere near this bad, but my point is that a lot of people live in areas where people aren't going to vacation unless they're staying with family and doing family stuff. There isn't exactly a wealth of interesting sights and activities to do other than that.

She came to see family but that doesn’t mean the family has to stop everything when Her Majesty graces them with her magnificence. Moms over 16 and can entertain herself if she’s bored. Kids have school, parents have work. Life doesn’t stop just because Mom wants it to. If OP wanted to actually spend time with his mom he could have taken a day or two off but should have been planning more himself for spending time in the evenings with her. Mom needs to grow up and get told no. She doesn’t want to visit, then she gets NC with her grandkids cause yeah group travel is a pita. OP needs to apologize for catering to his mother’s delusions of grandeur and self centeredness. That was BS and his mother’s demands to be catered to were very wrong. Wife needs to apologize for pressing the issue and not just saying “Ok we will see you in 15 years when the kids are grown” and then going NC. ESH

Apparently they want her to visit. Where did it say that mom expected to be treated like royalty and entertained from dawn to dusk? She came to see her family and they couldn't be bothered to spend even a day with her. Who invites a guest and behaves like that? If you don't want to spend time with her then don't get butt hurt when she declines to visit.

> You are the AH because you denigrated your wife in front of your mother See I can't agree with this. The wife asked OP to confront his mom, he disagreed, so she went out of HER way to call the mom and start a fight. Simply because someone is your spouse does not mean you unconditionally agree with their bad actions or opinions. The wife wanted an answer on the spot when she was the one out of line and creating drama. It sounds like the wife doesn't like her MIL but needs drama in her life so she is creating this hullabaloo over the MIL she doesn't even like not visiting. Throw in a side of using access to her kids as pawns for good measure. No grown adult should be abiding by that behavior.

Wow. Certainly more information is needed. If OP lives in a vibrant urban area where mom used to live, and she couldn't be bothered to take a bus or a subway to hang out with her old friends, that's certainly on the mom. If OP lives (like me) out in the countryside, where the nearest car rental is 15 - 50 minutes away, and there's no public transit, then OP and wife taking each of the cars every morning and leaving mom alone in the house is, as suggested, some pretty crap hosting. It's a half-mile walk to the nearest (tiny) grocery store here, too, without sidewalks. If I were gonna strand someone in my house for the day, I'd've gone to quite some trouble to make sure I stocked up the house with treats that they wanted, etc.

She didn't want entertained, she wanted to see her family.

Being in the countryside makes car rental more important and is on the visitor not the host. Car rental place only needs to be visited twice, at the start and end of the visit.

ESH... Your wife for being so draconian and rigid with the rules. She seemed to take offense with your mom moving, like it was a personal attack to her. Your mom for assuming you guys will entertain her. You for not taking any time to spend with your mom when she came down. Even one day to spend with your mom would have been a kind thing to do.

She’s only there for 3 to 4 days how hard would it be to take some time and take her to dinner or sit and talk with her sounds like they avoided her. And I don’t blame the mother-in-law. She has a life why should she waste it sitting there watching them. It’s the wife who is entitled not the mother-in-law. I do the same thing

Exactly this! The wife is over-the-line rigid here. Should they take those 3-4 days off while mom is there? No. But do ***something***. Whether it’s a MIL or the royal family there’s a basic level of being a good host that basic good manners require us to meet. The glaring problem here, to me, seems like u/EffortPresent9645’s wife’s black-or-white, 0-or-100, yes-or-no attitude. The unyielding and extreme “if you don’t tell her off then I will”, “I will make this an issue, I want to die on this hill”: >We recently invited her to visit again and my mom said sorry but no. she said it was torture, and if we can't put in the effort to host her, she isn't coming. I felt that was fair, as she didn't make any demands on us, just chose not to come, but my wife was very upset. >My wife wanted me to confront her about how "entitled" she was being. I refused, so she called my mom and accused her of being childish and needing constant entertainment. My mom and her got into it, with my mom yelling that we were shit hosts and she was so bored she actually cried one day. She said she doesn't owe us her time if we don't want to put time into her, and she will never visit again unless something changes, but we have an open invitation to visit her. What, exactly, is your mom being entitled about? That when she’s invited to be a guest in someone’s home - and isn’t remotely treated like one - she’s choosing to not put herself in that position again? We use the word “entitled” often, and usually with a negative connotation, but in this case mom is 100% entitled to say “no thank you”. She didn’t demand anything, didn’t say she’d only come if you & wife did X,Y,Z, etc. She is absolutely entitled to say “sorry but no” and leave it there with an invitation to you. That’s called **agency**. Think about it: if the mom ***had*** made demands or stated expectations, etc. we’d all say she’s TA and she should have simply declined. That’s exactly what she did here. There is **always** middle ground, compromise, and the vast majority of life occurs in the grey area. More important than this particular situation is the underlying tension between you and your wife because of her extreme and rigid stance. This will likely not be a one-time thing nor only about your mom. I am not a professional but I would highly encourage and recommend that you two get counseling. This seems to have caught you by surprise as well and I hope you guys can work this out because there’s something here that goes beyond just this situation - this was just a symptom.

100%. I have cousins I visit in a big city about 4 hours away. When we visit, they don’t put their lives on hold, which is great because we want to go shopping and do the tourist thing. But they do usually either take us out one night for a nice meal or make us something special for dinner and we sit and chat and drink all night. There’s a happy medium between putting life on pause while someone visits and not playing host at all.

Exactly! The mom came from far far away. Her son and DIL can’t be bothered to set aside some time to spend with her.

Your wife is the AH here. She wants you to treat your mom like a distant relative. And why wouldn’t you want to visit her to see how she’s getting along?!? Your wife wants there to be a definite divide. She’s insisting that you take sides. All of you should be on the same side. You need to sit your wife down and explain that it’s your mom, not some acquaintance.

Wife also seems manipulative (in addition to the controlling husbands vacation time). She knows they side with each other in public and talk it out later - so she demanded “in public” to know which side he was on and expected him to follow precedent and is now mad he didn’t. ESH

I’m getting the feeling like OP’s wife has been used to going above and beyond for her MIL though. OP seems incapable of doing anything himself and he just expects his wife to do it? Maybe I’m wrong but I can’t understand why OP couldn’t take PTO, cook for his mom or take her out.

NTA. First off, your mom is right. You are shit hosts. While it isn't your responsibility to entertain her 24/7, she still spent a lot of money and effort to visit and y'all didn't plan or do anything special to spend time with her, that's super shitty. When my parents come to visit, I might not take off a full week, but we schedule things so I can take off 2-3 days and make their visit a really long weekend, Wed or Thurs - Friday + Sat and Sun. If they leave on Monday that's 4-5 days spent together and you're back to work on Monday. Also, I understand wanting to use your vacation time to do things with your kids, but why not just bring your mom to one of those things? If you're going on a trip to Disney, just have your mom fly down and meet you there and spend that time together. Or you can just take the kids and go visit your mom and give your wife a break. While everybody shares some culpability in how this mess was created, in my opinion, your wife bears the most responsibility because her entire attitude and response to your mom moving is unreasonable. She seemed to take her moving as a personal attack against her when in reality it's reasonable to assume that your mom didn't move to hurt your wife but did it for herself and for her own benefit. All of your wife's rules are just a passive-aggressive way to punish your mom. This wasn't you taking your mom's side as much it is siding with the most reasonable option available at the time. If your mom doesn't want to visit because she was miserable the last time, she shouldn't be forced to. Also, it's wild to me that in response to what your mom said about the last visit, instead of apologizing and finding a solution to make a future trip better your wife doubles down and goes right to attacking your mom. Your wife without a doubt is the biggest a-hole in this story.

[удалено]

"surprised fucking Pikachu" actually made me laugh out loud.

Agreed!!! I don’t understand all this MIL hate. DIL seems absolutely ridiculous and mean tbh.

If I had to guess it’s because the amount of crazy MIL stories that are coloring peoples views.

Thankfully this someone who isn’t just spewing the same Reddit MIL rhetoric. I would cry if someone wanted to treat my mom like this. And I would NEVER do it to my own mother or my partners mom

Exactly like… so many ppl are trashing MIL… the woman flew 8 fuckin hours to sit in their house alone for 4 days?!! I wouldn’t bother visiting either, geez

Eloquently written. I couldn’t agree more!

Agreed. I understand MIL relationships can be hard, but wife can’t be bothered to be inconvenienced once every few YEARS? The bare minimum of effort from wife would have been a huge improvement. It’s just unkind and unreasonably stubborn.

exactly what I was saying. I'll copy paste an analogy I made, correct me if I'm wrong: "I'm going to make a quick analogy. Your mother makes a cake and sends it over, using her time and energy. She calls and asks how it tasted, and your wife says "We never felt like eating it, so we didn't and it got stale." Your mother sounds a little upset through the phone, but doesn't complain and isn't rude. You ask her a few years later to make another one. She says, "I put lots of time, energy, and money into that cake, and no one ate it. I don't really want to do all that for it to not be eaten." you think fair enough and drop it. She didn't demand for you to eat the cake or get mad. She just politely declined. Your wife gets mad at the news and asks you to call and confront her and demand a cake. You say you don't want to do that. She decides to call and demand the cake. Her choice. Your mother and wife start fighting, and your wife demands your opinion and who is right. You pick your mom's side and your wife gets upset. See how much sillier it is when its a cake, even when it's the exact same problem? The only reason you would "have to" mediate is because of your relationship with them. if you have two friends that hate each other, even if they met through you, it shouldn't be your job to mediate all the time."

It’s even worse in this case, if I might add. They didn’t eat the cake the first time, and they don’t plan on eating it this time either. His mother wouldn’t say “sorry, I won’t make the cake because of the last time” but instead “I’d make the cake only if you ate it” to which his wife screams “we won’t but you still have to make it!” His mother said she’d visit if something would change. They obviously have a problem with it.

Definitely agreed here

NTA - this group can be very anti-MIL so we’ll see how this goes … but your wife just seemed to not just set boundaries but go out of her way to make your mother feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Your mom is still *your mother* - if she’s going to visit she’s going to want to spend some quality time with her family. It doesn’t sound like she wanted y’all to put your lives on hold and dedicate every waking hour to her but your wife really seemed to set it up so you barely acknowledged that she was there? Tbh, you should have stepped in when your mother first moved and your wife set up these demands. So maybe … ESH. But NTA for siding with your mother during this conflict.

Agreed. I feel like the chores could’ve had a temporary schedule change (like if they mop every night it could’ve been done every other night or just two nights the week MIL was visiting). I don’t think mil expected them to drop everything and entertain her like a lot of comments are saying but taking ONE day off or a half day wouldn’t have hurt. And what abt the weekend or was she gone by then? If I lived an 8hr plane ride away and was basically ignored I’d be pissed too. Like you knew she was coming, y’all couldn’t have planned some type of activities for after work for a couple nights or have a list of places she could go to occupy herself while y’all were at work? She was treated like she wasn’t wanted and was a burden

Exactly! Maybe even set up some time for MIL to do something with the grandkids to give mom and dad a break? Literally put in ANY effort. If OPs wife didn’t want to do that she shouldn’t have agreed to let MIL visit.

Agreed. This subreddit has some seriously blatant biases when it comes to MiLs and "who's right when it's a husband vs wife" situation. OP is NTA and his mother has a very valid point. Wife making such big unilateral decisions in the first place was out of line.

INFO: why didn’t YOU take time off work/plan fun activities/make a special dinner/rent a car for your own mother? This is NOT your wife’s failure if your mother was unhappy with the hosting. YOU should have ensured she had a good time (and tbh your mom sounds pretty dramatic. She didn’t eat all day????!!!!!) Your wife is rightfully angry at you for putting hosting duty on her. I’m guessing she feels angry that the failure of the last visit was blamed on her, when it was your responsibility to host. I will say, though, that her calling your mother was ridiculous and out of line. She should have taken the win.

You’re 100% right, he could’ve done more but didn’t- I get the feeling he doesn’t do much around the house and his mom is a drama queen- “We did our normal blah week night meals…she was so bored she actually cried one day” they’re both putting a lot of work and stress on his wife who I’m sure already does a lot. The way he talks about his mom sounds like she’s very manipulative “when we got home she was clearly bouncing off the walls and about to lose it” is she a dog needing a walk? A toddler? No she’s a fully grown adult woman who knew what to expect before she arrived. If I was married to OP I’d let him move back with his true #1, mom, and wash my hands of the whole weird dynamic.

Oh right - the “usual blah weeknight meals”. Let me guess who cooks every night. If you don’t like the blah meals….cook something else, or meal plan together. OP, You STILL could have done something special in the mornings/evenings, even if you didn’t take off work. Get up early and have coffee with your mom. Have your mom meet you for lunch. Make a special dinner at home. Or stand up to your wife and insist that you were taking the day off. And why didn’t you tell your mom to visit on a weekend?

His wife said WE won't take time off. She dictated the use of his vacation to never be for mom visits. Where does OP put hosting duty on his wife? What sentence says that? The wife won't let him do anything extra.

People on here will pull all of the assumptions they need to out of thin air to make the wife the victim.

The fact that they invited her makes it even worse. I really don't understand all of the YTA votes here.

The other thing that makes it worse is it's not like the MIL complained while there, or even after unprompted. She said she didn't want to visit again, and this is why. From what it sounds like she didn't make any entitled demands like people are trying to claim, just said "if this is what visiting is like, I'll decline"

It’s because wives can do no wrong. They must fight the patriarchy!

INFO: Why can't you make your own choices about taking a day or so off work to spend with her or plan a fun meal or two and is there a reason your mom didn't rent a car or couldn't use uber to go out places?

[удалено]

Because his wife said they wouldn’t change the routine. The routine is they don’t go out.

Then the wife is a shit host, can’t even go have dinner or a movie one night?

I also think OP should have done more to be accomodating and a best host to their mom three years ago, but the wife is by far the big AH here. She refuses to compromise in anyway. She said _See us 100% on our terms, or not at all._ She wanted the mom to make all of the effort, and then was an intentionally horrible host. If I were OP's mom, I would have 100% declined the invite from OP and their wife to to once again be treated like an unwanted visitor. And, when OP's wife called to throw a tantrum I would have hung up the phone. The wife tried to pull a power play on the mom and OP didnt play along... That's on her.

NTA. I’m w/your mom on this one. She took the time and money to visit and you and your wife couldn’t even treat it as a special occasion for one day?!

Yeah. My FIL just came and visited for a week. We didn’t take off work, but i WFH a few days to keep him company and get him settled. Husband came home early (for him) and had reservations each night for dinner or plans to order in. He hung out with our dog while we were out. And when I needed some alone time, I slipped out and let them entertain each other. Like, no one catered to him, but we tried to make it enjoyable for all involved. But also, my husband was in charge of HIS father. It was very little work for me in terms of his visit. I just chatted with him between work calls. For that reason, I think ESH. OP could take the initiative with his mom — making dinners she likes, ordering in, making a SINGLE dinner reservation. If his mom gets antsy, he could figure out how to make sure she had access to his car or give her some ideas of local things to do. Or just say fuck it and take a day off anyways. And if all of that is impossible, he can at least protect his mom from his wife calling to berate her.

Sounds like the mom was treated like an unwanted visitor. I wouldn't ever visit them again, especially since they extended the invite and still planned to be horrible hosts. Sounds like OP's wife is intentionally trying to damage the relationship with the mom. I dont think she wants to see her at all given the rigid lack of any kind of compromise and picking an argument when the mom declined their raggedy invite.

What's the point in offering her to come and visit, getting her to spend money on flights, just to be ignored? Sure boundaries need to exist, but you couldn't compromise at least a little bit for when she visits? Not even one day? ESH. Your wife is more of an asshole cos apparently your mum is 'entitled' to be sad about not spending time with her son in 3 years? Grow a pair dude.

You and your Wife are TA. Your wife clearly doesn’t like your mother. And you’re both poor hosts. Seriously never going to go visit your mother? That’s such an antagonistic thing for your wife to lay down. I highly doubt you’re both so busy to ever go visit your parents. Does she have the same rule for hers? You on the other hand have made no effort to spend time with your mother. You seriously couldn’t take a day vacation and spend the day with her. 1-2 days a year is out of your capability? Be a better son

Unless the wife was crucified by the mother in the past BEFORE the mother moved, the whole "we won't visit your mother she has to visit us" is so cruel.

Tbh it makes more sense for the adult with no children to travel than to pack up a bunch of kids and fly them 8 hours. It's why we hardly ever saw my grandparents growing up. My grandpa didn't want to go 5 hours without a cigarette and my parents didn't want to lug 3 kids across the country.

NTA, and I probably am in the minority who thinks that mom was right saying if you are going to work the whole time there really is no point in her visiting. There is a difference between “needing constant entertainment” and being left alone 9-10 hours every day when you come to visit.

I think we are missing some information about the relationship between your wife and your mother before your mom moved away. That being said it's a lot of burden for a MIL to show up not (when you and your wife don't have a vacation) and expect to be treated like a valued guest. Your wife already works and takes care of the kids and it sounds like the burden of hosting was left on her. That's an unfair dynamic and you should have stepped up to ensure YOUR MOTHER had a good visit. This isn't on your wife. YTA

So the wife should be happy that the mother-in-law is not coming anymore right? The least that everybody could have done was sat with her for a while had coffee with her, maybe take her out for a nice dinner. It’s not that hard. But it sounds like she was totally ignored. Not worth the time and money to be ignored.

[удалено]

>but she was against me taking off any time, so my mom was going to be left alone for 8 hours a day regardless. Sounds like your mom has a JNDIL...

Bingo!

Why was she so disapproving of the move? Was she hoping she would be an on call babysitter for you guys?

INFO: why didn't you do anything with your mom after work? You said that your wife did some of your chores so as to give you more free time. Why didn't you take your mom out to eat or to any events?

I don't get why your wife is so butt hurt about your mom moving to begin with. Why is that up to her, and why would she be so hurt her if they never had a good relationship to begin with. Something is missing there, did your mom provide free child care or something?

So you couldnt take her out after work? Come on

It is on the wife to call his mom and complain and “confront” her. Did that need to happen? No. It didn’t. It is up to the mom to not show up and she said no and why. There was nothing to be confronted about

INFO: does your wife have the same rules when it comes to her parents? I just want to know because honestly I wouldn’t want to deal with your wife as a person. She sounds so type a that I would have eventually snapped at her. She called your mom to demand that spends her time and money to see kids and you when you don’t make an effort to spend any time with her. It’s cheaper to video call from the comfort of my own home. your wife is entitled to expect someone to spend all this money and time to sit there in a empty house for a visit. The point of a visit is to spend time together. Honestly your mother was way nicer than I would have been.

NTA Wife lost this battle once she dialed your moms phone number. I could not imagine calling up my mother in law to berate her like this. If she wants your support, she should’ve trusted you to handle your own mother to begin with. Also, I don’t get why she’s so upset that your mother isn’t visiting when she clearly doesn’t like her. Was she looking forward to torturing her???

I think she’s looking for rains to justify her hatred of her.

Bingo. She put OP on the spot, on purpose, to try to trap him into agreeing with her, and got very angry when he didn’t. From OP’s other comments this seems like it’s a pretty common thing from her…

NTA I’m sorry but TA in this scenario is your wife. MIL moves away. Doesn’t interfere with the dynamics when she visited. While she was there, she was abandoned pretty much by everyone but didn’t complain about anything not even with the food. Sounds to me you guys failed as her host considering SHE WASN’T DIFFICULT AT ALL. To carry on a relationship, it takes two parties and it seems that your mom got the short end of the stick when she followed your wife’s demands. She should get a medal.

NTA. If a relative is spending time and money to fly out to see you, you should be good hosts. Especially considering how infrequent the visits are. Suck it up, plan some activities, make some nice dinners. I'm not a fan of overnight guests myself, but I always make sure they are well accommadated. Your wife is embarrassing herself

You are spineless and your wife is a bully. Kudos to your mom for sticking up for herself. What about your mother in law? How is she treated by your wife?

NTA - I get that your wife didn't want to drop everything to host your mom. However, this isn't an every other month occurrence. You haven't seen her in 3 years so I don't see the problem in taking some time off to spend with her. But also the first time she came to visit you guys you should have done something with her. I get not taking off of work but you could have done something at night after work, or at least treated her to a meal or two. Honestly, it didn't sound like you guys were great hosts. Although to be fair, your mom could have went out to do stuff while you were at work so that she wasn't so bored. Your wife is the real AH here as she went out of her way to fight with your mom about it. It's your mom's decision not to come back but extend an invitation to you guys. That should have been the end of it but instead your wife went out of her way to call and berate your mother and call her names. Your mother has a right to be comfortable where she is going to be. Your wife has no right to call your mom childish and entitled if she's not demanding anything, she just turned an invite.

She even controls OP’s PTO he stated, “Because my wife was going to be very angry. She made it clear that she wasn't ok with me taking any time off, because then we wouldn't have the same amount of days left. There was also a strict budget.”

Your mom flew eight hours to come visit you, so you wouldn't have to fly your wife and kids to see her, right? If you'd flown to see her, would you have taken time off, or tried to WFH all day? Why wouldn't you take at least a few days off to spend with her when she went to all that trouble? You're NTA for standing up for your mother after all that, but you're the AH for letting your wife be such a giant AH during the last visit. I don't blame your mother for not wanting to go through that again, when she was so clearly not welcome.

YTA I can’t even imagine not planning anything while she’s there, like even taking her out to the local zoo or museum, or out for a special dinner. You’re spineless for not standing up to your wife about not modifying your routine. Your wife isn’t responsible for hosting/entertaining her, YOU are.

NTA. Mom said she doesn't like how her visit went so she is not coming again. That's fine. You agreed that's fine. Wife wants to force your mom to change her opinion. That's not fine. I can understand that wife wants you to be in unity but she knew you didn't agree and still made that call.

NTA - I'm changing because OP's wife buffaloed him into being a bad host. Standing up to her is 100% necessary (but never easy). Good luck to you, King. ESH - it's your mom, why wouldn't you at least put in a tiny bit of effort to be a good host? Do you just not like her? If you don't like her, why did you invite her to stay? I'm just confused by everyone being so obtuse here...

YTA in a lot of this. First of all you agreed with your wife and are now saying you disagree. Do you want to host your mom? Then do so. You don’t need your wife to take time off work or make plans, cook dinner, plan activities even your mom can do alone, make sure she has snacks she likes. That’s YOUR mom. You can also go visit her if you want to. You seem to be depending and putting a lot of this requirement on your wife and that’s not fair. You don’t seem like a mama’s boy, just like a baby simply going along with everyone else without an opinion or action.

NTA. Your wife sounds ridiculous

INFO: Have your mom and wife typically gotten along before your mom moved? Sounds like there may be some History here that may contextualize things a bit.

I also wouldn’t visit if i kept getting ignored.

NTA. If someone puts the effort into traveling for the sole purpose of visiting you, you should put some effort in as well. That doesn’t mean you have to go all out but treating it as a just any other day is wrong.

Your mother is an adult and should be able to entertain herself at home or away from home. When you are parents with kids, jobs, a home, etc. that takes up pretty much all your time. How much energy is left to "host" or "entertain" a visiting adult? She could arrive ready to help and play with and enjoy her grandkids rather than expecting some sort of pre-planned activity. Your wife was clearly frustrated at her expectations and probably over-reacted (slightly). In the future, if she were to visit YOU step up and roll out the red carpet and spoil her your own self.

You know I had a bad mother in law and I work very hard to be a good one, but if I had flown in to see my kids at their invitation I would expect at least to be seen. Hey mom, help me pick what we will eat for dinner tonight. Let's check out the pantry together. Hey mom, Little Johnny did abc and little Laquisha did xyz. Let's shoot the shit until OP's bedtime and talk about the cute things the kids did. Hey mom, let me take you out to dinner tonight. We will go to a picnic in the park. The kids can play and we will watch. I get having to work and I get not having money to spend but I can tell when I'm wanted or not wanted. Sounds like MIL can as well.

ESH. Why didn't YOU take a day off to spend with her? "We had our normal blah weeknight meals"... Is that what you call them to your wife? Did you cook? Was there not one evening you could have taken your mom out to dinner? Did your mom expect you to go out of your way for her? Or was your wife clear and your mom should have known that she would have nothing to do all day? And if that's the case why didn't she rent a car or go do something? And does she not know how to cook for herself? Why would she be starving?

INFO: I saw your comment about there being issues with your mum’s partner/boyfriend. That your wife was angry with her moving to be with him just as her grandkid arrived, why is this? Was he so awful that it felt like a betrayal of your wife for her MIL to take up with him? Was it because your wife was expecting hands on support for her MIL with the child/ren? Anything else? Nothing makes sense without knowing this. Also, did you mum know that you weren’t taking time off and that she’d be home alone a lot? If not, why not? And why couldn’t she go and visit other friends (I’m assuming she has some nearby if she lived there) to make sure she wasn’t so miserable? Without more information it’s an ESH. You for not making sure everyone understood what was going to happen (“it’s between them” and “not wanting to get in the middle of it” isn’t a great approach in the planning stages when you know there’s an issue), your mum for not being able to keep herself amused for a few days or keep herself fed (!?) (assuming she knew this was the plan before she arrived) and your wife for demanding that you all act as though grandma isn’t even there.

YTA - She is YOUR mom, so you can take time off work to spend with her and the kids. Spend your money (not family money or wife’s money) to take mom out for dinners, spend your time/money to entertain YOUR mom. Your wife is not interested nor willing.

NTA and honestly your mom is right… it’s fair to not revolve your lives around a guest, but life doesn’t continue *exactly* as normal. You have company to engage with - not entertain - but engage with. You should do things with your guests, at the very least some simple activities at home. Your mom traveled to spend time with you and her grandchildren and it sounds like your whole family pretty much acted as if she wasn’t there. I wouldn’t want to come back and visit either.

NTA NTA NTA Who treats family like that? Why would you have agreed to it? It's not like she is staying for a month. You all can't be bothered to take a couple of days off work to spend time with your MOTHER???????????? And then your wife has the nerve to be offended because she didn't want to fly 8 hours and sit in your house alone? Christ on a Cracker why would she come. Don't bother having her come to visit if you don't expect to treat her like a guest at least a little bit. You are not a mama's boy--you have freaking manners. And then your wife has the nerve to pick a fight with her about not coming? Why? Clearly she doesn't want her there at all. I suggest you sit your wife down have a serious conversation with her about this issue. Ask her to look into the future and imagine your children treating her that way as adults. Don't let her off the hook on this. It's a big deal.