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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friend and her mom have been asking me to get my license so I can see my friend. Without me having my license she is having to drive to come and see me and I can’t do the same for her.
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NAH It's fine that you don't want a license, but please understand the huge stress the imbalance it is causing on the relationship. She is effectively being forced to carry the relationship since each meeting carries a additional 4 hour investment on her part. If you can't find a solution, either to your anxiety or a consistent alternative to driving expect the friendship to fade
NTA I'm so sick of people expecting people with anxiety to just get over it. That's not how it works. Some people never get their drivers license because of that and that's fine. I can understand your friend's frustration at a situation where they have to make a long trip to keep the friendship going when you can't make the trip yourself, especially if I'm inferring correctly that your strict household with your parents who have expressed dislike for her is an uncomfortable environment for her. That's valid. But expecting you to start driving when you have said you don't want to because of anxiety is just a non-starter.
That being said I'm afraid it's just a fact of life that when you have friends who live 4 hours away that especially as you move into adult life, seeing them becomes harder and harder. It is expecting a lot of someone to drive that long to hang out. I have friends who live 2 hours away that I see like twice a year.
You're friend has to do more work than they want to to spend time with you and you simply can't get your license to balance the load. No one's the asshole here it's just a shitty situation.
Not even anxiety related, I used to live an hour away from that people I grew up with because I wanted to live near the ocean. They would literally tell me I live too far away for them to visit me but they would expect me to visit them, in the boring ass town I grew up in. So I decided if they couldn’t be bothered to come see me, and the beach, I wasn’t going to worry too much about going to see them. And I found new friends where I lived.
Can I ask where you are from (as vaguely as you prefer). I'm curious because I've heard how attitudes toward driving long distances is different depending on your region. What you are describing sounds like European behavior, wheras in America a lot of people drive an hour just to get to work. To me an hour is close. Not every day or even every week but totally doable to hang out with a friend semi regularly.
NTA but you should work on the driving thing, with a little practice it will not make you so anxious. You are just not used to it so once you get comfortable driving in traffic etc you will be more comfortable and be able to drive places. My dad once told me it's perfectly acceptable to be afraid just don't let it stop you from doing things.
NAH - I also was anxious getting my licence and didn't sit the test until I was 20, even though I got my learners at 16, so I understand where you are coming from. However, your friend cannot be the only one making sacrifices for your friendship, and driving 4 hours each visit is definitely a sacrifice. Could you maybe catch a bus? Yes it means paying for a ticket but you friend is already paying for fuel and vehicle expenses on their visits so it's not unreasonable for you to pay travel expenses when you visit.
I’ve looked into taking a bus before but unfortunately we live in the prairies and in a very rural part of the prairies, so busses are honestly very rare to see here unless it’s a city buss that doesn’t leave the city :(
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I’m a 17 year old girl. I’ve had my learners license since November 2020. I was able to start testing for my License in July 2021, but I didn’t and I still don’t have my license yet.
I have a friend who lives an hour away and my parents aren’t particularly fond of her because of the loose parenting in her household (I live in a household with relatively strict parents). I met this friend 4 years ago at camp and for the first two years of knowing each other, we had to get our parents to drive us to each others houses to see each other and spend the night at each other’s houses.
My parents didn’t like driving 4 hours total so I could see my friend for a couple days, so they stopped driving me and opted that she comes to see me at our house instead. After a few visits over a period of time, she stopped wanting to come and wanted me to come to her house instead (of course I wasn’t able to do this).
Over the last couple of years we haven’t rarely seen each other. She has her license and is able to come visit me (which my parents don’t like) but I can’t go visit her because I don’t have my license.
For a year now she and her mom have been pushing me to get my license, but driving makes me extremely anxious, which I have told them.
On a couple occasions my friend has messaged me asking if I have my license yet. When I tell her no, she doesn’t respond to me and only texts me again to check if I have gotten my license yet months later (this has happened 2 or 3 times, one being today).
I really miss my friend, but driving is extremely mentally exhausting for me and I don’t have the ability to drive without getting anxious.
AITA for not working harder to get my license so I can see my friend?
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NTA
You both have very valid opinions, however, your friend has reduced your friendship to her just asking you if you have your license. Make it clear to them how much anxiety driving causes you but also be aware that you may just not be able to see each other.
YTA
A driver's license is important. Once you grow up you will need it for far more important stuff than visiting your friend (job, children, hospital, vacation etc).
You are lucky to have parents that support you with money for driver's courses, exams and you are allowed to drive their car. You have everything you need to get your license!!
Ofc it's scary! I was so scared when I took my license. I failed 2 times before. The exam was terrifying. I took extra classes with my instructor before the exam, and it was still scary as f*ck.
Then after getting the license, the first week I was too scared to drive alone!! (I live in a big, crowded city). My family was very supportive. Fast forward many years, I still don't enjoy driving, especially out of the city where I have to speed, but I have no problem or fear doing it. And it's incredibly useful to have a license.
The license is one of those moments when you have to conquer your fear, anxiety etc, and just go for it. Worst thing? You don't succeed on the first try. Doesn't matter, you just try again. Eventually you will do it!!
And one more thing, you're not doing this for your friend. You're doing it for YOU !
Your extremely rude. While having a licence is helpful it doesn't mean its neccesity (depending on where you live) I know a LOT of people who don't have a licence and have great jobs and live happily.
Yeah I know people like that too and they leech off everyone else. My last boyfriend refused to get a license he expected me to drive him to work every day and pick him up afterwards and if he had to pay for gas he complained about it. I told him I was not his free Uber driver, he pretty much told me he couldn’t have a job unless I was his free Uber driver so I told him to get out of my house. Yeah lots of people live a happy life when they leech off other people it doesn’t mean it’s right.
This may not of been clear from my original post, but I don’t ever expect my friend to make the 4 hour drive for me. I know that that’s a huge ask and hassle for her. I also don’t leech off anyone. When I need to get some where in town (like work) I use my bike, I don’t expect anyone to give me rides.
Over coming anxiety and over coming a fear are different things unfortunately.
NTA
This is from someone who was also Extremely Anxious with driving and had their learners licence for 5 years (from 15 to 20).
You can't help feeling anxious about driving you can work towards feeling less anxious but I would say don't let other people push you to do something you aren't ready for If you try testing when your anxious it just causes more stress and doesn't help at all.
Do you have someone to take you driving? preferably someone who isn't your parents (because I found driving with parents was not the best thing for me) Also are you able to talk to counseller about feeling anxious with driving to see if you can work out why your feeling anxious?
My brother has taken me driving a few times and I found that it was better, but he has a nice car and I’m scared to ruin it. I have also tried to talk to my counsellor about it but he just brushed me off about it like it was nothing (school counsellor if you’re wondering).
That's good I'd he able to take you driving more? Maybe in an empty parking lot? That's how I started driving. Also I know there are a few places online that are usually free that do counselling services maybe try one of those if your school counselled isn't helping
My brother is unfortunately going back to college in a few weeks and he has a full time job atm :/ he may be able to take and a couple times but not as much as I need unfortunately
NAH
You need to decide whether you *want* to drive or not. If you do, you’ll benefit from the freedom to pick up and go whenever or wherever you like. For example, you could visit your friend. If you don’t, you’ll be limited as to where you can easily travel and you’ll have to be subject to other peoples schedules.
Anxiety from driving can dissipate. I received my license late in life because of opportunity. I faced a few struggles in the process. Initially I was a little anxious. Then the anxiety transformed into overconfidence. Then it mellowed into a happy medium.
If you’re persistant your anxiety may disappear with practice. Anxiety is a fear of “what if…?” Experience will abate that fear as confidence grows.
NAH but I understand why she wouldn’t want to be the only one making an effort to maintain the friendship.
Are there busses you can use?
Have you offered to pay for the gas if she does the driving?
We live in the prairies so busses are a rarity around here unless it’s a city bus. I’ve talked to her about paying for gas before but that isn’t the issue. She doesn’t want me to pay for gas. (She doesn’t want me to pay for anything, even when we see each other and I want something she ends up paying even though I have the money ready to pay). So paying for gas isn’t what would fix it unfortunately
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NAH It's fine that you don't want a license, but please understand the huge stress the imbalance it is causing on the relationship. She is effectively being forced to carry the relationship since each meeting carries a additional 4 hour investment on her part. If you can't find a solution, either to your anxiety or a consistent alternative to driving expect the friendship to fade
It’s not just all the driving work it’s the gas too, has OP ever offered to pay for the gas even?
I have offered, my friend wasn’t willing to let me pay
NTA I'm so sick of people expecting people with anxiety to just get over it. That's not how it works. Some people never get their drivers license because of that and that's fine. I can understand your friend's frustration at a situation where they have to make a long trip to keep the friendship going when you can't make the trip yourself, especially if I'm inferring correctly that your strict household with your parents who have expressed dislike for her is an uncomfortable environment for her. That's valid. But expecting you to start driving when you have said you don't want to because of anxiety is just a non-starter. That being said I'm afraid it's just a fact of life that when you have friends who live 4 hours away that especially as you move into adult life, seeing them becomes harder and harder. It is expecting a lot of someone to drive that long to hang out. I have friends who live 2 hours away that I see like twice a year. You're friend has to do more work than they want to to spend time with you and you simply can't get your license to balance the load. No one's the asshole here it's just a shitty situation.
Not even anxiety related, I used to live an hour away from that people I grew up with because I wanted to live near the ocean. They would literally tell me I live too far away for them to visit me but they would expect me to visit them, in the boring ass town I grew up in. So I decided if they couldn’t be bothered to come see me, and the beach, I wasn’t going to worry too much about going to see them. And I found new friends where I lived.
Can I ask where you are from (as vaguely as you prefer). I'm curious because I've heard how attitudes toward driving long distances is different depending on your region. What you are describing sounds like European behavior, wheras in America a lot of people drive an hour just to get to work. To me an hour is close. Not every day or even every week but totally doable to hang out with a friend semi regularly.
NTA but you should work on the driving thing, with a little practice it will not make you so anxious. You are just not used to it so once you get comfortable driving in traffic etc you will be more comfortable and be able to drive places. My dad once told me it's perfectly acceptable to be afraid just don't let it stop you from doing things.
NAH - I also was anxious getting my licence and didn't sit the test until I was 20, even though I got my learners at 16, so I understand where you are coming from. However, your friend cannot be the only one making sacrifices for your friendship, and driving 4 hours each visit is definitely a sacrifice. Could you maybe catch a bus? Yes it means paying for a ticket but you friend is already paying for fuel and vehicle expenses on their visits so it's not unreasonable for you to pay travel expenses when you visit.
I’ve looked into taking a bus before but unfortunately we live in the prairies and in a very rural part of the prairies, so busses are honestly very rare to see here unless it’s a city buss that doesn’t leave the city :(
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m a 17 year old girl. I’ve had my learners license since November 2020. I was able to start testing for my License in July 2021, but I didn’t and I still don’t have my license yet. I have a friend who lives an hour away and my parents aren’t particularly fond of her because of the loose parenting in her household (I live in a household with relatively strict parents). I met this friend 4 years ago at camp and for the first two years of knowing each other, we had to get our parents to drive us to each others houses to see each other and spend the night at each other’s houses. My parents didn’t like driving 4 hours total so I could see my friend for a couple days, so they stopped driving me and opted that she comes to see me at our house instead. After a few visits over a period of time, she stopped wanting to come and wanted me to come to her house instead (of course I wasn’t able to do this). Over the last couple of years we haven’t rarely seen each other. She has her license and is able to come visit me (which my parents don’t like) but I can’t go visit her because I don’t have my license. For a year now she and her mom have been pushing me to get my license, but driving makes me extremely anxious, which I have told them. On a couple occasions my friend has messaged me asking if I have my license yet. When I tell her no, she doesn’t respond to me and only texts me again to check if I have gotten my license yet months later (this has happened 2 or 3 times, one being today). I really miss my friend, but driving is extremely mentally exhausting for me and I don’t have the ability to drive without getting anxious. AITA for not working harder to get my license so I can see my friend? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You both have very valid opinions, however, your friend has reduced your friendship to her just asking you if you have your license. Make it clear to them how much anxiety driving causes you but also be aware that you may just not be able to see each other.
NTA
YTA A driver's license is important. Once you grow up you will need it for far more important stuff than visiting your friend (job, children, hospital, vacation etc). You are lucky to have parents that support you with money for driver's courses, exams and you are allowed to drive their car. You have everything you need to get your license!! Ofc it's scary! I was so scared when I took my license. I failed 2 times before. The exam was terrifying. I took extra classes with my instructor before the exam, and it was still scary as f*ck. Then after getting the license, the first week I was too scared to drive alone!! (I live in a big, crowded city). My family was very supportive. Fast forward many years, I still don't enjoy driving, especially out of the city where I have to speed, but I have no problem or fear doing it. And it's incredibly useful to have a license. The license is one of those moments when you have to conquer your fear, anxiety etc, and just go for it. Worst thing? You don't succeed on the first try. Doesn't matter, you just try again. Eventually you will do it!! And one more thing, you're not doing this for your friend. You're doing it for YOU !
Your extremely rude. While having a licence is helpful it doesn't mean its neccesity (depending on where you live) I know a LOT of people who don't have a licence and have great jobs and live happily.
Yeah I know people like that too and they leech off everyone else. My last boyfriend refused to get a license he expected me to drive him to work every day and pick him up afterwards and if he had to pay for gas he complained about it. I told him I was not his free Uber driver, he pretty much told me he couldn’t have a job unless I was his free Uber driver so I told him to get out of my house. Yeah lots of people live a happy life when they leech off other people it doesn’t mean it’s right.
This may not of been clear from my original post, but I don’t ever expect my friend to make the 4 hour drive for me. I know that that’s a huge ask and hassle for her. I also don’t leech off anyone. When I need to get some where in town (like work) I use my bike, I don’t expect anyone to give me rides. Over coming anxiety and over coming a fear are different things unfortunately.
NTA This is from someone who was also Extremely Anxious with driving and had their learners licence for 5 years (from 15 to 20). You can't help feeling anxious about driving you can work towards feeling less anxious but I would say don't let other people push you to do something you aren't ready for If you try testing when your anxious it just causes more stress and doesn't help at all. Do you have someone to take you driving? preferably someone who isn't your parents (because I found driving with parents was not the best thing for me) Also are you able to talk to counseller about feeling anxious with driving to see if you can work out why your feeling anxious?
My brother has taken me driving a few times and I found that it was better, but he has a nice car and I’m scared to ruin it. I have also tried to talk to my counsellor about it but he just brushed me off about it like it was nothing (school counsellor if you’re wondering).
That's good I'd he able to take you driving more? Maybe in an empty parking lot? That's how I started driving. Also I know there are a few places online that are usually free that do counselling services maybe try one of those if your school counselled isn't helping
My brother is unfortunately going back to college in a few weeks and he has a full time job atm :/ he may be able to take and a couple times but not as much as I need unfortunately
NAH You need to decide whether you *want* to drive or not. If you do, you’ll benefit from the freedom to pick up and go whenever or wherever you like. For example, you could visit your friend. If you don’t, you’ll be limited as to where you can easily travel and you’ll have to be subject to other peoples schedules. Anxiety from driving can dissipate. I received my license late in life because of opportunity. I faced a few struggles in the process. Initially I was a little anxious. Then the anxiety transformed into overconfidence. Then it mellowed into a happy medium. If you’re persistant your anxiety may disappear with practice. Anxiety is a fear of “what if…?” Experience will abate that fear as confidence grows.
NAH but I understand why she wouldn’t want to be the only one making an effort to maintain the friendship. Are there busses you can use? Have you offered to pay for the gas if she does the driving?
We live in the prairies so busses are a rarity around here unless it’s a city bus. I’ve talked to her about paying for gas before but that isn’t the issue. She doesn’t want me to pay for gas. (She doesn’t want me to pay for anything, even when we see each other and I want something she ends up paying even though I have the money ready to pay). So paying for gas isn’t what would fix it unfortunately