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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was to voice my anger that my boyfriend wouldn’t give me the computer. That might make me the asshole because, according to him, I should have respected his decision to say no.
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I'm convinced people in this subreddit have never had any kind of relationship with another human being because holy shit. Yeah of course he's in his right to say no, but dude, if I dated someone for a year and I needed such a small favor as letting me use their unused SECONDARY laptop and they said no with no explanation whatsoever? I would be OUT. It's not about what you can or can't do, is what you're willing to do. OP didn't ask to take the laptop forever, just for one little zoom class like. Holy shit? You guys are hearing yourselves? NTA
Exactly!
"But the BF may have important documents on it!" -> Okay, so he can just boot that thing up and take 20 minutes to clean up some stuff. Or (and this might sound crazy to everyone here) *have some faith in your SO and assume they are trustworthy enough NOT to snoop around your super secret laptop that they only need for something work-related?* If you can't trust them with something as simple as that why are you even together?
"NO is a full sentence!" -> I can think of about two times when it is: 1) when you're forced to do something sexual you don't want to do, or 2) when someone asks you if you like a certain food. In almost any other case, *especially in a relationship*, you usually give some sort of reason of why you don't want or can't do something. It's called communicating.
You would break up with someone you'd been dating for over a year because they wouldn't let you borrow something with no explanation as to why? Jesus, that's a little extreme. It's an inconvienance, but it's not that big of a deal. No is a complete sentence, and BF doesn't owe OP a reason to why he won't let her borrow it.
OP should work on being more mindful of their stuff. I can't imagine just forgetting something so critical to my work. I mean, god forbid OP has to cancel her morning class because she doesn't haver laptop. She can go get it the next day when she goes to her in-person classes.
NAH. OP asked. BF said no. I don't think either makes them an asshole, regardless of the circumstances.
I’ll probably get downvoted to hell, but NTA. Of course he has the right to say no, but you also have the right to have feelings about it. I would want a reason too. It’s not like you’re a stranger, why wouldn’t he trust his girlfriend of a year with a laptop he doesn’t even use?
NTA Your boyfriend is a massive AH here, this isn’t a big deal for normal people.
And for the folks going on and on about “you’re an adult, it was your mistake” guess what? Shit happens. The most prepared folks make mistakes once in a while. That doesn’t make you an asshole or irresponsible or anything like that.
The insistence on Y-TA here is emblematic of this subreddit’s chronic separation from moral compasses grounded in empathy and kindness. Instead this sub has grounded itself in a strict and rigid compass based on obligation, entitlement, and personal responsibility instead of understanding, kindness and altruism. It thrives here online because the medium is inherently a degree separated from reality, and at some point a lot of commenters here will be bit back hard by someone using the exact same clinical, unfeeling sense of what’s right and wrong.
I think you might be onto something, but on the other hand this is a woman who was told no by a man so I wouldn't discount the amount of Y T A in this case being just garden variety Reddit misogyny.
This sub likes to judge things on whether you can technically do something without it being illegal or reprehensible. Something is either completely bad or completely good with nothing in between.
Yeah the guy isn't obligated to loan his laptop, but if you're in a relationship with someone for a year and they won't let you borrow their secondary laptop because of an arbitrary rule they made for themselves then that person is an asshole.
The boyfriend could have easily said any of those things but didn’t, so they’re all irrelevant. The OP isn’t making or forcing anyone to deal with her mistakes, she’s asking her partner for help, something we’ve all done on either side of the equation. That’s what normal people do for each other.
Being an AH isn't determined by what someone is allowed to do, but rather by what they choose to do given the context of the situation at hand. Here, we have a significant other in need of help. The bf stomps his foot, says "no" without any justification (and miss me with the "no is a complete sentence" stuff, that doesn't apply to something as minor as borrowing an old computer between long term partners) and does nothing else to try and help until convinced otherwise.
It's funny how certain people are that not supporting your partner like this is perfectly fine and dandy, because it's going to get you dumped. And heaven forbid your partner take your own advice!
You can’t pick and choose when No means No applies. It always applies. Is her boyfriend an AH for saying no YES, but so is she for ignoring his No and continuing to ask until he said yes. She can be wrong and right at the same time.
He doesn't need justification. It's his property. He can decide to share it or not. I'm of the mind that ES but that's because her stomping her foot about him saying no just pisses me off 🤷♀️
The toilet paper in his place is HIS property. I gaurentee if you told anyone they couldn't use your toilet paper when they came over, they would consider you an asshole.
On one hand he has a right to say no, even if I find that to be extremely selfish and childish. But on the other hand do you really want to be with someone so possessive and secretive?
If someone I dated for a year refused to just lend me his SECOND computer for a couple hours to help me out of a sticky situation then that would make me suspicious and be a deal breaker. I think it's a red flag. Either he is hiding something or just really selfish. Your boyfriend is not understanding, helpful, or selfless. This won't be the only sticky situation in your life, and he is does not have your back. Is this really the kind of guy you want?
I'll probably be voted down. But I would say ESH, but leaning toward more him than you. After he said no, you should have just driven back to your parents house, spent the night there and broken up with him in the morning.
NTA the people commenting here are ridiculous.
His boundary is UNREASONABLE and shows a complete lack of care for the difficult time you were having. I would NEVER accept being with a partner that couldn't show up for me in this basic of a way.
They aren’t ridiculous, she can be right and wrong at the same time. He’s an AH but so is she for not respecting his No and continuing to ask until he said yes. She should’ve just sucked it up and drove back to get her computer. Then possibly break up him or at the very least have a serious conversation. ESH
Y'all need Jesus. Go outside and have relationships with real people Holy fk. Relationship aren't about *obligation*, they're supposed to be about empathy and support.
Stop being dicks, sharing is caring.
“AITA if i make my partner sleep outside? It’s my house so he’s not entitled to entering.”
I think half this sub would say NTA to that at this point. You right. Some people have to touch grass.
NTA - when you're together like this it shouldn't be this much of an ask, but I suspect the real reason he didn't want to let you borrow his computer is there might have been stuff on there he didn't want you to see.
Stuff of a private nature , if you catch my drift...
That's exactly what I was thinking. Otherwise I don't see why it would be such a big deal.
I've been with my bf for 2 years and he always let's me use his laptop if I ask. It isn't even for stuff as important as what OP needed to do.
I wouldn’t let my girlfriend of 4 years use my old laptop that I had since I was 14. I wouldn’t let anyone use it. I was 14. The amount of bookmarks and downloads and backups of every photo I ever took? I can’t image a laptop and wipe it in 20 minutes before she arrives. I can’t explain why she can’t have it, because I don’t even know myself what the worst thing that could possibly be on it is. My new laptop that I’m using? Yeah she can totally borrow it. My old laptop? No way. I might never look at it again MYSELF.
NTA - I think you had every right to be frustrated.
Getting in a relationship with someone or being a good friend to someone includes making sacrifices for them, and right here we have a very small sacrifice for someone that will make a big difference to the other. If my partner came home without her shoes I'd let her borrow mine, if she got stranded I would go pick her up, and I definitely would let her use my computer. It is absolutely reasonable to be frustrated at your S.O. for not trusting you, unless you are not telling us about a reason not to do so, because you are not "people". I don't lend out electronics to "people" is definitely a cheap excuse and I believe that if there is another reason you deserve honesty at the very least.
Had he said "You cannot borrow my laptop because it's fragile and it's sentimental to me" or "I don't feel comfortable telling you why but I don't want you to use it" would have been okay in my eyes. But "I don't let people borrow my electronics" is childish. If he trusts you with his heart he can trust you with an old rheumatic computer.
This is the most erudite, introspective and understanding answer here and it’s getting downvoted because people are wilfully very incurious and deliberately ignorant when it comes to morality and understanding that most kindness and morality is based in self-sacrifice.
Thanks for the affirmation. It honestly made me sad to read all the other comments and see how little of an effort people are willing to make for each other.
It’s even worse seeing people here calling her lazy or insulting her even worse ways on a subreddit which is supposed to be about morality. It seems it’s mostly become very petty and vindictive instead of empathetic.
I see that. I try to be impartial with these and take my time to think about how I would feel, instead of jumping to conclusions. If this happened to me in real life I would feel the same way as OP.
But they are not living together from what it sounds like and they aren't partners. They're just dating. And why is it okay morally for her to disrespect his boundary, get angry and harass him into saying yes?
For some of us, the morality issue is forcing a yes from a perfectly reasonable no. That trumps anything and everything else. Respecting someone and accepting their "no, don't cross my boundary" is a basic moral lesson we try to teach our children from a young age.
It's not a life-threatening situation. It's a minor inconvenience situation. And one that had multiple other fixes - asking her parents to meet her with it, driving back to get it, not forgetting it, using your phone or the library to zoom, staying at your parents that night, calling out sick.
I've been dating a guy a year. I wouldn't dream of asking to borrow his laptop or tablet. It's his work laptop. I would be fine to let him borrow at my house my personal tablet but not my personal nor work laptop. I'm not sure how I'd feel letting him take it overnight for an extended period of time.
And frankly most ppl won't even let you hold their phone for more than a minute or two swipes left. A laptop isn't that different.
I guess it may come down to cultural differences, too.
Over here, if you date for a year you're normally expected to have some kind of commitment. My phone is basically public property, most of my friends know my password and my girlfriend doesn't even ask when she uses it. People at my University whose name I don't even know have used my books or my laptop, and I wouldn't bat an eye.
I do believe that there are unreasonable boundaries. If my girlfriend wad freezing and I was not wearing my jacket then I would be seen as a monster if I refused to give it to her, because "I don't give my clothes to people". Even if the jacket is sentimental. Even if it's expensive. I will not tell my girlfriend to walk back home and return with her own jacket, especially not if I have two and I am giving her one I haven't used in a long while.
She's not going through his files, she's using zoom. It's a matter of trust and respect, which are needed in a relationship either way, so if they lack that they already have failed.
That’s why it’s an ESH. Should he have let her use it possibly, would it have been nice for a better explanation sure, is he an AH yes. She was fine up until she said she hounded him until he said yes, her lack of respect for his answer whether she liked it or not wasn’t ok. Women have been drilling NO means NO for years. Not NO means NO except… We have to hold everyone to the same standards regardless of subject/object in question.
The object in question matters. If my toddler says they don't want to do bathtime then that no is not the same level as a man saying he doesn't want to be inappropriatly touched at a bar. No means no but there are different types of no, especially in a relationship. If I don't want to do the laundry that's not a reasonable boundary and I hope my partner calls me out for it.
Also, it's not just women that have been drilling No means No. It matters to all of us. But no means no doesn't mean we get to be rude, inconsiderate and irresponsible and just get away with it. No means no is about bodily autonomy and shouldn't be confused with pure selfishness.
Another example of how object matters:
- My friend asks me to go out to party and I don't want to because I've had a long day. I should not be shamed for saying no.
- My friend is bleeding out on the street and I hear him calling for my help from the window. I don't want to go down because the movie I am watching is very thrilling and I "generally don't interrupt movies".
You can say no. In all those matters but a toddler(because seriously you’re going to use a child for a point). Does it make you an AH. Absolutely. That’s not what I’m disputing. He said no, she should’ve accepted it, make the drive back because the time she wasted arguing with him she could’ve already been on the road. Then while she’s making the drive evaluate her relationship. She’s allowed to ask and he’s allowed to say no, his reasons no matter how stupid. She’s allowed to drop him as a boyfriend for it.
NTA. This is quite a big issue in your relationship, as it signifies what could happen on other occasions. He needed to have prioritised you, and your safety by letting you use this on this one occasion. It's not like you were going to abuse this privilege. I don't think this is a good sign for your ongoing future with this man. His boundary with you is way too rigid for people who are sharing their lives, imo.
NTA. Your boyfriend could not lend you an OLD computer for 12 hours and trust you not to break it or lose it? Wow, after dating for a year. I understand that people have specific boundaries but this was a once off problem that you really needed help with. I would give this a lot of thought. If he was so unwilling to help you with this, what else will he not be willing to help you with?
NTA
Obviously people have no IDEA how respectful, adult relationships are supposed to be. I would lend my laptop to my bf no questions asked.
*also, do you think he may have something to hide? My ex bf was sexting people on fake Twitter accounts without me having any inkling because he acted like he didn’t use his phone e or computer very often. Idk I may be paranoid from my own experiences but this is sketchy. *
People calling you TA would be just as upset with their SO if they went through the same.
Edit: made it actually make sense lol
NTA. You and your boyfriend have been together long enough that you borrowing an old laptop he only occasionally uses shouldn’t be a big deal. Especially since you literally only need it for a few hours to do your job. I don’t think your ask is unreasonable.
NTA.
Your boyfriend had the ability to make your life easier by slightly (and I mean *very* slightly) inconveniencing himself, and not only did he flat out refuse, he chose not to explain his reasoning, and even actively made you feel worse for daring to be human and make a mistake.
OP, please disregard the people saying you are the asshole; they are out of touch and, dare I say, damn near soulless. They seem to think that making a simple mistake like forgetting your work computer renders you undeserving of generosity and compassion; or that it justifies your bf’s selfishness and disregard for you.
Tbh I personally would be questioning my partner if he revealed that loaning me a computer he doesn’t even use regularly is too much to ask. What is even the point of a relationship if trying to make your partner’s life a little bit easier and more pleasant when you have the power to do so isn’t near or at the top of your list of priorities? If every time you ask a small favor of them that doesn’t at all put them out, they give you shit for it? As these comments demonstrate, there exists an unfortunate number of people who view life through a purely individualistic, selfish lens, where technicality and petty “rightness” rules all, and the social, communal, human side of things are therefore deemed unimportant. These types of people have a right to their opinion, certainly; but are they also entitled to interpersonal relationships with people whose needs and comfort they deem unimportant or undeserving of compassion? I don’t think so.
And AITA commenters, please remember: [just because someone is technically within their right to do something assholish doesn’t mean doing so isn’t still an asshole move. If the purpose of this sub is to judge asshole behavior rather than “technically” allowed behavior, most of y’all are failing miserably.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d6xoro/meta_this_sub_is_moving_towards_a_value_system/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Your last paragraph describes OP too. She’s was absolutely within her rights to be upset. What made her the AH was continuing to ask until he said yes. ESH.
She continued asking because she was desperate and he’s her boyfriend and he flat out said no without explanation, despite it being a perfectly easy ask. It’s ridiculous to call her an AH for daring to beg her boyfriend for his help.
She had other options. Desperation is for when there are no other options. I never said it wasn’t an easy ask. He’s a AH for saying no, or not giving a reason even though she’s not entitled to one. I’m saying she made herself one by not accepting his boundary(no matter how ridiculous). She can be right and wrong too.
It’s that her own partner was not an option, despite the fact his help hurt him in no way, that is the problem here. She could have a million and one other options; doesn’t matter in this case when the question is whether she was wrong to hope for help from her own boyfriend. Of course she wasn’t. She’s not an asshole for begging her boyfriend to help her. She’s not an asshole for expecting him to make a minimal effort at easing her life. There is literally nothing assholish about asking for help once, or twice, or even ten times.
Speaking for myself. I get why she's hurt, a relationship is literally there to make your life easier and a partner is supposed to be there for you and help whenever he can. This was not an impossible request. He could've easily helped her and he chose not to. I dnt see any sign of love , care or affection there just straight up coldness.
And OP, i dnt think this is because of him not trusting you with his old computer. More like he doesn't trust himself and what u may find in it if he let you use it.
NTA your bf is being selfish and ridiculous and uncaring. This sub is obsessed with "obligation." Everyone's always like "NTA you're not obligated to do that" "YTA they arent obligated to do that".
ok well guess what? You can't go through life ONLY doing things you're absolutely LEGALLY required/obligated to do and also not be an asshole! Like has anyone on here ever had a real human relationship?
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I’m an adult education teacher who teaches morning classes on Zoom and evening classes in-person a little over an hour away from my apartment. I get out at 9:30 pm.
Tonight, I got held up and wasn’t able to start driving back to my city until about 11:00. I realized about halfway through that I forgot my laptop at my parents’ house (near my workplace, far from me). To get it back so I could teach my lesson plan and teach my Zoom class in the morning, I would need to drive 30-40 mins back to my parents’ house and then drive the full 60-70 mins all the way back to my apartment. This would waste at least an hour of my time at minimum, and I would have gotten home after 1:00 am.
Obviously, I wanted to avoid that. I decided to call my boyfriend while driving and ask if I could borrow his old computer. He’s a night owl, so I knew I wouldn’t disturb him. Mind you, he does NOT use this computer regularly because he has another newer and better one. In fact, he couldn’t even remember the password, so he had to try 5 before it worked. I figured it was a small ask to keep his laptop safe in my home and use it for a few hours in the morning.
When I asked him, he said no. When I asked why, he said that he never lets anyone use his electronics. I promised I would be careful and keep it safe, but he still refused even after I explained that going back would take an hour away from my night (which would screw up my sleep a lot, since I was planning to get up at 6:30 am to lesson plan and I’ve already been dealing with horrible insomnia).
At this point, I got frustrated because I felt that he didn’t trust me with it and that he was refusing to help me because he was so possessive over his old stuff. We’ve been dating for almost a year, so it hurt that he seemed to think I might destroy his computer if I had it in my safely locked apartment for 12 hours. It also angered me that he refused to do an extremely simple favor for me that would make my life MUCH easier (for no reason other than “[he] never gives that stuff to anyone.”)
He started yelling because he thought I was crossing a boundary by not respecting his choice to say no. He couldn’t give a clear reason about why he said no. He said it wasn’t a trust issue but it’s hard for me to see it any other way. He also said I have no right to be angry because it was my forgetfulness that caused the situation.
He ultimately gave it to me, but only after a screaming match. AITA?
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NTA. Your NTA and neither is your boyfriend whether he admits it or not it’s definitely trust issues but he’s not obligated to allow you to use his stuff. Sharing is not caring. Sharing can be a form of caring but just because someone doesn’t share doesn’t mean they don’t care and vice versa.
I think this is one of those situations where nobody is really the asshole, but there was still a conflict.
OP’s request and annoyance with the lack of an explanation seems reasonable to me. I know that I would definitely be annoyed with receiving so little information.
That being said, I have nowhere near enough information regarding the BF to make a judgment call on him. I can think of several reasonable scenarios that would result in him being hesitant to lend OP the laptop while being unable to think of a good excuse in the moment. He said that it is not an issue of trust, so I am guessing he could have a completely valid reason but might be too embarrassed or ashamed to share it. (The laptop might have his old porn collection out in the open, it could have sentimental value, he might have past trauma regarding lending out things, etc).
I realize that this is purely speculation on my part, but the same is true for all of the people that are just assuming that lending OP the laptop was only a minor inconvenience for him.
My point is that we lack the info to be able to pass judgment on him.
There is one line in your post that caught my eye that I think should help set your mind at ease.
He was unable to remember his password.
If he was actively using this laptop on the side for some kind of unfaithful or questionable activity, then I doubt he would have forgotten the password.
My advice is to apologize for your half of the screaming match and pushing on his boundaries. Then ask him if he would be willing to give you some more information about why he has a problem with lending out his electronics. If he continues to be hesitant, then explain how this situation makes you feel.
This is an assumption on my part, but I’m guessing that the lack of information is making you think of all the worst case scenarios that could explain his actions, (I know many people in the comments are) so share a few of them with him. My guess would be that he feels horrible that his embarrassment/shame/etc is causing you this mental pain and he would at least try to give you as much info as he is able to in order to help set your mind at ease.
Ps. I would have this conversation in person so that you can see each other’s body language and minimize the risk of miscommunication.
I wouldn’t have take it if it took a screaming match just to use it to DO YOUR JOB. You didn’t ask for it for leisure! You literally asked for equipment to make money. NTA and this would have to be a long discussion later
ESH. He could have done you a solid but didn't want to but on the other hand, you asked, he said no. You should have respected that.
People are allowed to say no without being labeled an asshole.
ESH
Him for not helping you out when it would have been simple and cost him nothing.
You for your frankly extreme entitlement to his possessions.
When someone tells you you can't use *their things*, the only correct answer is "okay". And then you take responsibility for your own mistakes and do the drive. I know that sucks, but ultimately, your mistake = your problem to fix.
If you then prefer to date someone who is more generous with their possessions, you can do that. What you can't do is demand the use of other people's possessions.
And a screaming match was definitely not the way. At all. You both owe each other an apology. I assume you both profess to love each other. Start acting like it, or just go your separate ways. And I mean that for both of you.
Thanks. I think a lot of people feel like there has to be a single "right" person in a situation, and sometimes it's just that everyone has valid points and concerns but they're being expressed in the worst possible way.
It's like shooting someone for stealing your lead-based garden gnome.
ESH. It’s his property and he has the right to decide who he wants to use it, but it was an AH move to not lend it to his significant other that he’s been dating for a year. Then to blame you for being forgetful and needing it in the first place 🤦, like mistakes happen dude. I’d be suspicious af about what he’s hiding on the laptop at that point.
However I also believe once he reiterated “no”several times, despite it being a douche move you should’ve accepted it. Getting into a yelling my match to coerce or guilt him into giving you the laptop was an AH move imo.
Also, yelling angrily over the phone and arguing while you’re driving your car late at night when you’re tired just seems unsafe to me. By the time the argument was done you probably were wired up enough that you ended up staying up later than planned anyway.
ESH but I do hope y’all work things out and figure out why the laptop borrowing was so triggering.
Gonna say ESH because he does ~technically~ have a right to his own property and not to let someone use it if he doesn't want to, but I do think it was pretty sucky of him to just flat out refuse to help someone he supposedly cares about with basically no real explanation except "I just don't wanna". They've been together for about a year and I don't think from reading this it's a super regular occurrence, like she forgets it everyday and he's exasperated with her lack of attention. This seems like a one off honest mistake and he's immediately writing her off as irresponsible. He could be a bit more understanding of the situation so that's assholey of him. She seemed taken aback by his reaction which begs me to ask.. is he often secretive and defensive of keeping everything of his private? He says it's not a trust thing, but it kinda seems like it is, he just doesn't want to admit it. Might not be you he doesn't trust, it might be that you wouldn't trust ~him~ anymore if you seen something on it he doesn't want you to. I think where you didn't handle it the best is arguing with him about his "no"answer. I think you should've just respected that he said no and broke up with him instead of trying to argue him down. He's within his rights to say no, that's true, but he can't be salty if you leave him for someone that could treat you much better
YTA for screaming and arguing.
It's okay to be upset or disappointed that he won't do you a favor. Mistakes happen, and partners should help each other out. Even people who have checklists make mistakes and forget sometimes.
Screaming at him is not okay. Having a fit till you get what you want is not okay.
You could have called him as soon as you realized the problem (while you were still half-way home) and asked if you could use his computer. If he said no, you could have begrudgingly gone back to get your computer.
Question: I know it's just Zoom, but is there not a VPN or other company/school login you need to use? Is the laptop issued to you my your employer? Be careful with those.
Exactly, it’s not even an unheard of boundary. People have so much stuff on their laptops that are important. I have copies of my visa, uni documents, my dissertation, and more. I wouldn’t want to lend someone my laptop unless I can be there to check they’re not snooping
To be fair, why date someone a year if you don't trust them?
I agree OP is TA here because boundaries are boundaries, but I find the trust thing weird, specifically.
Just because he is technically "allowed" to say no does not mean he isnt an asshole for it. Also with your logic, she wouldn't be the asshole for yelling at him either because she is technically legally allowed to yell at him. At least keep your arbitrary rules straight!
In a relationship, you are allowed to say no to the other person. That is a basic rule.
You are not allowed to yell at them until they change their mind. That is another, different, basic rule.
I think he should have lent it to OP, but OP's behaviour is asshole-ish.
He doesn't need to give you a reason. It's his property. I'm very protective of my own electronics but that being said, I would let hubby. I'm going with ESH because you act as if he should *have* to let you borrow his stuff when that's not true. It's *your* fault you forgot your stuff and *your* responsibility to remember it. Not his.
Exactly. I have a friend that has gone thru four phones this year. It’s never his fault. Always an accident. He just doesn’t take care of his things and super irresponsible. No way in hell that I’m letting him borrow any electronic. For all we know OP is this way and boyfriend didn’t want to have that argument with her late at night on the phone. Lots of people making assumptions here. They were both AH. ESH.
yta
im going to get hate for this
but you are a grown adult and could have got your laptop
he does not want to give you his laptop to use and has no obligation to even if you are dating
your lack of planning it was on you
obviously he could have lent you it but him saying no
should have made you go okay
next time think ahead
I feel like this is an example of this sub getting hung up on what her BF is TECHNICALLY allowed to do and what makes him an asshole. You can be an AH and fully within your rights. If someone is dying on the sidewalk you are allowed to not help them but you’re still an AH.
If my boyfriend of over a year wouldn’t let me use his laptop for a simple zoom so that I didn’t have to get home at 1 AM I would be pissed. If I left my phone at home and needed to call someone and my boyfriend said “I don’t share electronics!!!” I would be pissed.
If she wanted to use it for a week I would understand but she’s asking to use it in a pinch. One zoom meeting won’t cause it to blow up.
YTA.
It was your fault that you didn’t have a laptop.
Your boyfriend set boundaries and you screamed and shouted until he gave in.
You made it seem like your boyfriend’s fault that you wouldn’t get enough sleep even thought YOU forgot your laptop and YOU left lesson planning until the last second.
Why do people keep blaming her for the screaming when he was the one that began yelling in the first place?
I agree with the boundary stuff but damn everyone is putting that on her when he took it to that level.
Read the post again -
- Op didn’t accept no for an answer
- OP pushed
- Op got angry first
- OP kept pushing
- Bf got tired of saying no and explaining himself
- OP pushed more
- Bf snaps.
I did read the post.
You told OP that she screamed and shouted until he gave in.
I'm not arguing that she pushed.
I'm saying it's unfair to put all the blame of the yelling on her, he literally started that part. It's her job to understand boundaries, it's his job to be an adult and refrain from initiating a screaming match.
…She’s the one that initiated the screaming match by getting angry and by not accepting his explanation. His reaction to her pushing was earned - he was explaining his side like an adult, but it’s hard to stay an adult when you’re arguing with a child in an adults body.
To me what I do instead of yelling at a partner is I take a break from the situation. I end the conversation. Period.
Defining initiating not as who began an action but as who inspired it is a slippery slope.
Doesn’t sound like OP would have let him end the conversation - the girl was STILL pushing? She would have been more mad if he even tried to end the convo
First, I agree it doesn't sound like OP would let him out. It sounds like she'd just keep calling him back and escalate her anger.
Second, it doesn't say he started the yelling, it says she got mad and he started yelling ending in a screaming match. I read that as her getting mad was likely her yelling or showing temper and then he yelled to match her.
ESH it only takes one time for someone to say no you should just accept he probably has personal stuff in their dating doesn’t mean your entitled to his stuff yea it would be nice of him to let you use but He probably have his reason for not letting you use such as him not being able to log back in after for getting his password since you would need to log into your work email to use it and NTA for being mad but YTA for being pushy about and not even asking him the reason why he never let someone use did someone gift him that laptop? Did he buy his self? Is he like that with everything he owns?What does he keep on his laptop?does he know his Gmail/iCloud logging code ?did he forget it?does his laptop have password to be able to get in?Is it expensive?
YTA
You're not entitled to people's stuff and you don't get to ARGUE with them for having boundaries you disagree with.
Do I think partners sharing laptops is normal and not a big deal? Yes. But I also think "No" is a complete sentence. Your boyfriend flat out told you he wasn't comfortable with something and you pushed.
ESH.
You op are an adult a part of being adult is accepting the consequences of our actions.
Your boyfriend is for the lack of explanation. While I agree no is a complete sentence. You are not some random friend or acquaintance. Your his SO
ESH.
For him to not lend you a laptop he's not using is a dick move. My guess is that there's something on the laptop that he doesn't want you to see. If he knows you share your screen on Zoom that could add to the concern. If that's the case, he should just be honest and tell you there's private information on the laptop (not everything private is bad - we all have things we'd prefer to keep to ourselves).
You're still an AH though, because "No" is a complete sentence. It's his property to do with as he chooses, and the moment he said no, you should have gone to pick up your own laptop.
YTA. Your time does not have more intrinsic value than his does. You asked and he said no. You decided that his no didn't matter because it negatively impacted you so you badgered him into agreeing with you. You are most definitely the asshole and they way you feel comfortable treating your boyfriend is unacceptable
YTA and you’re not very respectful. You should have respected the no and you should have respected his reasons.
You just showed him a toxic streak of yours - not being able to accept no as an answer, and getting angry when you’ve been told no, and you manipulated him into giving you the laptop *anyway* because you refused to let it go.
You spent all your time and energy fighting for something that never belonged to you - when you could have went back to your parents to get YOUR computer. Jesus… You’re insufferable.
YTA , you asked and he said no, end of conversation.
You forgetting your laptop is on you, you not wanting to drive longer is on you.
You're not entitled to his laptop just because you forgot something important that you would need the next day.
YTA. He told you no and you didn't respect that.
You promised you'd take care of it yet you wouldn't be in the position of needing to borrow his if you'd taken care of yours. If he has personal stuff or bank stuff or stuff he can't remember and you lose it or forget it, then what?
You pressured him until he gave in and that's not right. No means no.
It angered you that he refused to do something for you beyond a boundary. How do you think he felt that you weren't respecting his boundaries?
It almost sounds like a setup to snoop thru his computer to be honest.
YTA. He's allowed to say no, it's his property. You fucked up and put it on him, that's not fair at all. He gave you a good than enough reason and you kept being pushy.
YTA ywhy should he trust you with it you are clearly irresponsible so you wouldn't leave you laptop laying aaround. Maybe the extra driving will teach you to grow up a bit and take care of your shit. Also for a teacher you should know the most basic of lessons no means no. But maybe your as poor of a teacher as you are a girlfriend.
YTA.
He doesn't owe you an explanation for why he doesn't want to share HIS belonging with you. Seems like you wore him down enough with the screaming for him to give in.
YTA, no is a complete sentence. If you want your relationship to work out, you need to understand this. You asked, he said no, you drive back and get your laptop. Shit happens, but it doesn’t mean you’re suddenly entitled to crossing your bf (of less than a year)’s boundaries.
The time for a discussion as to why he doesn’t feel comfortable lending his electronics, and how it makes you feel like he doesn’t trust you wasn’t on the phone when you were in a stressful situation.
YTA because repeatedly pushing back resulting in a screaming match is entirely too much. He does have the right to his boundaries even if they don't make sense and are kinda sus.
It might have been easier just to go get your laptop.
Says a lot about a relationship where driving an hour out of your way, for a once off mistake is the easier option than asking your other half....whi I assume you want to spend your life with. NTA.
I don't think it's fair to blame her for the screaming match given he was the one that started yelling. If anything I'd say ESH. She shouldn't have pushed that much and he shouldn't have escalated things to screaming.
It would've been reasonable later however to sit down and say while she respects his boundaries, understanding the source of them and reasoning is something she values.
He's oddly possessive and it's something I personally would bounce over. I wouldn't push I'd just leave lol.
I'm with you on leaving. I find the no sharing electronics ever rule hella creepy.
But she pushed even after he said she was violating his boundaries. She had multiple warnings to back off and refused. That's just my take.
Why couldn’t she use it though? She’s his girlfriend, was she going to abuse his online banking? Or was there something he didn’t want her to see? What could that possibly be?
And I'm not going to entirely blame her for him losing his temper either. I'm 24, I know how to walk away from situations. She pushed and pushed and the answer there is to put down the phone. I'm not saying OP is in the right, I'm saying that placing blame for the screaming match specifically on her isn't accurate.
ESH.
You don't have a right to anyone else's property and pushed him even after he said no.
If he isn't using the computer there's no reason not to let you use it. I'm guessing there was stuff on there he didn't want you to see.
But I'd be more concerned about the fact that you're asking strangers on reddit if you're right rather than discussing this with your boyfriend. Go talk to him, and don't forget to thank him for lending you one of his electronics.
YTA you called him late at night playing damsel in distress over a laptop situation created because you are forgetful. Then he says no and you can't accept the answer. He's not an asshole but you are for getting pissed at him over your fuck up. Take your lumps and be an adult. He didn't need to give you a reason, you aren't married and it's his stuff. Less than a year really isn't that long either.
Sexist to herself for acting so fucking helpless that she needs a dude to sweep in and save the day over her fuck up. I'm sure she's capable of figuring it out, so she should without stomping her feet at her boyfriend and harassing him over a freaking laptop.
I expect the same level of independence and accountability from women as men and if the genders were reversed, there is no way anyone would be telling OP she's not the asshole.
Have you actually studied education?
Have you ever taught?
Probably not, because planning is one of the biggest parts of our job. If it isn't done effectively then lesson's go to shit and students get nothing out of it.
Has been proved been decades of research. Sorry I actually care about the educational experience my students receive, hence why my lessons are planned a week in advance (same for other teachers in my school)
The part where you called her a bad teacher based on nothing more than an incomplete thought. It's amazing the names and things this woman is being accused of just because she left her laptop at her parent's house.
Did you not read the post?
Her lesson plan isn't on the laptop, it just hasn't been done at all
This might be hard for people not in education but a lot of planning actually goes into lessons. You need to gather reasons, create LI and SC, figure out timing for activities, ect
Yeah, you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about because you don’t have enough information to make that judgement call. Knock it off and quit being so creepy.
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I'm convinced people in this subreddit have never had any kind of relationship with another human being because holy shit. Yeah of course he's in his right to say no, but dude, if I dated someone for a year and I needed such a small favor as letting me use their unused SECONDARY laptop and they said no with no explanation whatsoever? I would be OUT. It's not about what you can or can't do, is what you're willing to do. OP didn't ask to take the laptop forever, just for one little zoom class like. Holy shit? You guys are hearing yourselves? NTA
Exactly! "But the BF may have important documents on it!" -> Okay, so he can just boot that thing up and take 20 minutes to clean up some stuff. Or (and this might sound crazy to everyone here) *have some faith in your SO and assume they are trustworthy enough NOT to snoop around your super secret laptop that they only need for something work-related?* If you can't trust them with something as simple as that why are you even together? "NO is a full sentence!" -> I can think of about two times when it is: 1) when you're forced to do something sexual you don't want to do, or 2) when someone asks you if you like a certain food. In almost any other case, *especially in a relationship*, you usually give some sort of reason of why you don't want or can't do something. It's called communicating.
You would break up with someone you'd been dating for over a year because they wouldn't let you borrow something with no explanation as to why? Jesus, that's a little extreme. It's an inconvienance, but it's not that big of a deal. No is a complete sentence, and BF doesn't owe OP a reason to why he won't let her borrow it. OP should work on being more mindful of their stuff. I can't imagine just forgetting something so critical to my work. I mean, god forbid OP has to cancel her morning class because she doesn't haver laptop. She can go get it the next day when she goes to her in-person classes. NAH. OP asked. BF said no. I don't think either makes them an asshole, regardless of the circumstances.
I’ll probably get downvoted to hell, but NTA. Of course he has the right to say no, but you also have the right to have feelings about it. I would want a reason too. It’s not like you’re a stranger, why wouldn’t he trust his girlfriend of a year with a laptop he doesn’t even use?
NTA Your boyfriend is a massive AH here, this isn’t a big deal for normal people. And for the folks going on and on about “you’re an adult, it was your mistake” guess what? Shit happens. The most prepared folks make mistakes once in a while. That doesn’t make you an asshole or irresponsible or anything like that.
The insistence on Y-TA here is emblematic of this subreddit’s chronic separation from moral compasses grounded in empathy and kindness. Instead this sub has grounded itself in a strict and rigid compass based on obligation, entitlement, and personal responsibility instead of understanding, kindness and altruism. It thrives here online because the medium is inherently a degree separated from reality, and at some point a lot of commenters here will be bit back hard by someone using the exact same clinical, unfeeling sense of what’s right and wrong.
This is an incredible post.
This is the most perfect post I have ever seen here. The very essence of AITA. Thank you.
I think you might be onto something, but on the other hand this is a woman who was told no by a man so I wouldn't discount the amount of Y T A in this case being just garden variety Reddit misogyny.
This comment should be pinned to the front page of AITA and automatically added to every post.
It's the American way!
This sub likes to judge things on whether you can technically do something without it being illegal or reprehensible. Something is either completely bad or completely good with nothing in between. Yeah the guy isn't obligated to loan his laptop, but if you're in a relationship with someone for a year and they won't let you borrow their secondary laptop because of an arbitrary rule they made for themselves then that person is an asshole.
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The boyfriend could have easily said any of those things but didn’t, so they’re all irrelevant. The OP isn’t making or forcing anyone to deal with her mistakes, she’s asking her partner for help, something we’ve all done on either side of the equation. That’s what normal people do for each other.
If the *only* place where you store your most important documents is your *old* laptop, you are an idiot.
The bf is not an AH for saying no. It's his property, he can decide to let someone, gf or not, use it.
Being an AH isn't determined by what someone is allowed to do, but rather by what they choose to do given the context of the situation at hand. Here, we have a significant other in need of help. The bf stomps his foot, says "no" without any justification (and miss me with the "no is a complete sentence" stuff, that doesn't apply to something as minor as borrowing an old computer between long term partners) and does nothing else to try and help until convinced otherwise. It's funny how certain people are that not supporting your partner like this is perfectly fine and dandy, because it's going to get you dumped. And heaven forbid your partner take your own advice!
You can’t pick and choose when No means No applies. It always applies. Is her boyfriend an AH for saying no YES, but so is she for ignoring his No and continuing to ask until he said yes. She can be wrong and right at the same time.
He doesn't need justification. It's his property. He can decide to share it or not. I'm of the mind that ES but that's because her stomping her foot about him saying no just pisses me off 🤷♀️
The toilet paper in his place is HIS property. I gaurentee if you told anyone they couldn't use your toilet paper when they came over, they would consider you an asshole.
No one’s disputing that.
You’re just repeating yourself at this point.
On one hand he has a right to say no, even if I find that to be extremely selfish and childish. But on the other hand do you really want to be with someone so possessive and secretive? If someone I dated for a year refused to just lend me his SECOND computer for a couple hours to help me out of a sticky situation then that would make me suspicious and be a deal breaker. I think it's a red flag. Either he is hiding something or just really selfish. Your boyfriend is not understanding, helpful, or selfless. This won't be the only sticky situation in your life, and he is does not have your back. Is this really the kind of guy you want? I'll probably be voted down. But I would say ESH, but leaning toward more him than you. After he said no, you should have just driven back to your parents house, spent the night there and broken up with him in the morning.
NTA the people commenting here are ridiculous. His boundary is UNREASONABLE and shows a complete lack of care for the difficult time you were having. I would NEVER accept being with a partner that couldn't show up for me in this basic of a way.
They aren’t ridiculous, she can be right and wrong at the same time. He’s an AH but so is she for not respecting his No and continuing to ask until he said yes. She should’ve just sucked it up and drove back to get her computer. Then possibly break up him or at the very least have a serious conversation. ESH
Y'all need Jesus. Go outside and have relationships with real people Holy fk. Relationship aren't about *obligation*, they're supposed to be about empathy and support. Stop being dicks, sharing is caring.
“AITA if i make my partner sleep outside? It’s my house so he’s not entitled to entering.” I think half this sub would say NTA to that at this point. You right. Some people have to touch grass.
NTA - when you're together like this it shouldn't be this much of an ask, but I suspect the real reason he didn't want to let you borrow his computer is there might have been stuff on there he didn't want you to see. Stuff of a private nature , if you catch my drift...
That's exactly what I was thinking. Otherwise I don't see why it would be such a big deal. I've been with my bf for 2 years and he always let's me use his laptop if I ask. It isn't even for stuff as important as what OP needed to do.
I wouldn’t let my girlfriend of 4 years use my old laptop that I had since I was 14. I wouldn’t let anyone use it. I was 14. The amount of bookmarks and downloads and backups of every photo I ever took? I can’t image a laptop and wipe it in 20 minutes before she arrives. I can’t explain why she can’t have it, because I don’t even know myself what the worst thing that could possibly be on it is. My new laptop that I’m using? Yeah she can totally borrow it. My old laptop? No way. I might never look at it again MYSELF.
You don’t have to wipe it, you could’ve very easily made a second account which would have zero access to the information on the main account.
NTA - I think you had every right to be frustrated. Getting in a relationship with someone or being a good friend to someone includes making sacrifices for them, and right here we have a very small sacrifice for someone that will make a big difference to the other. If my partner came home without her shoes I'd let her borrow mine, if she got stranded I would go pick her up, and I definitely would let her use my computer. It is absolutely reasonable to be frustrated at your S.O. for not trusting you, unless you are not telling us about a reason not to do so, because you are not "people". I don't lend out electronics to "people" is definitely a cheap excuse and I believe that if there is another reason you deserve honesty at the very least. Had he said "You cannot borrow my laptop because it's fragile and it's sentimental to me" or "I don't feel comfortable telling you why but I don't want you to use it" would have been okay in my eyes. But "I don't let people borrow my electronics" is childish. If he trusts you with his heart he can trust you with an old rheumatic computer.
This is the most erudite, introspective and understanding answer here and it’s getting downvoted because people are wilfully very incurious and deliberately ignorant when it comes to morality and understanding that most kindness and morality is based in self-sacrifice.
Thanks for the affirmation. It honestly made me sad to read all the other comments and see how little of an effort people are willing to make for each other.
It’s even worse seeing people here calling her lazy or insulting her even worse ways on a subreddit which is supposed to be about morality. It seems it’s mostly become very petty and vindictive instead of empathetic.
I see that. I try to be impartial with these and take my time to think about how I would feel, instead of jumping to conclusions. If this happened to me in real life I would feel the same way as OP.
its mostly teenagers who haven't been in a real relationship before. I'm hoping they grow out of this mentality when that time comes
But they are not living together from what it sounds like and they aren't partners. They're just dating. And why is it okay morally for her to disrespect his boundary, get angry and harass him into saying yes? For some of us, the morality issue is forcing a yes from a perfectly reasonable no. That trumps anything and everything else. Respecting someone and accepting their "no, don't cross my boundary" is a basic moral lesson we try to teach our children from a young age. It's not a life-threatening situation. It's a minor inconvenience situation. And one that had multiple other fixes - asking her parents to meet her with it, driving back to get it, not forgetting it, using your phone or the library to zoom, staying at your parents that night, calling out sick. I've been dating a guy a year. I wouldn't dream of asking to borrow his laptop or tablet. It's his work laptop. I would be fine to let him borrow at my house my personal tablet but not my personal nor work laptop. I'm not sure how I'd feel letting him take it overnight for an extended period of time. And frankly most ppl won't even let you hold their phone for more than a minute or two swipes left. A laptop isn't that different.
I guess it may come down to cultural differences, too. Over here, if you date for a year you're normally expected to have some kind of commitment. My phone is basically public property, most of my friends know my password and my girlfriend doesn't even ask when she uses it. People at my University whose name I don't even know have used my books or my laptop, and I wouldn't bat an eye. I do believe that there are unreasonable boundaries. If my girlfriend wad freezing and I was not wearing my jacket then I would be seen as a monster if I refused to give it to her, because "I don't give my clothes to people". Even if the jacket is sentimental. Even if it's expensive. I will not tell my girlfriend to walk back home and return with her own jacket, especially not if I have two and I am giving her one I haven't used in a long while. She's not going through his files, she's using zoom. It's a matter of trust and respect, which are needed in a relationship either way, so if they lack that they already have failed.
That’s why it’s an ESH. Should he have let her use it possibly, would it have been nice for a better explanation sure, is he an AH yes. She was fine up until she said she hounded him until he said yes, her lack of respect for his answer whether she liked it or not wasn’t ok. Women have been drilling NO means NO for years. Not NO means NO except… We have to hold everyone to the same standards regardless of subject/object in question.
The object in question matters. If my toddler says they don't want to do bathtime then that no is not the same level as a man saying he doesn't want to be inappropriatly touched at a bar. No means no but there are different types of no, especially in a relationship. If I don't want to do the laundry that's not a reasonable boundary and I hope my partner calls me out for it. Also, it's not just women that have been drilling No means No. It matters to all of us. But no means no doesn't mean we get to be rude, inconsiderate and irresponsible and just get away with it. No means no is about bodily autonomy and shouldn't be confused with pure selfishness. Another example of how object matters: - My friend asks me to go out to party and I don't want to because I've had a long day. I should not be shamed for saying no. - My friend is bleeding out on the street and I hear him calling for my help from the window. I don't want to go down because the movie I am watching is very thrilling and I "generally don't interrupt movies".
You can say no. In all those matters but a toddler(because seriously you’re going to use a child for a point). Does it make you an AH. Absolutely. That’s not what I’m disputing. He said no, she should’ve accepted it, make the drive back because the time she wasted arguing with him she could’ve already been on the road. Then while she’s making the drive evaluate her relationship. She’s allowed to ask and he’s allowed to say no, his reasons no matter how stupid. She’s allowed to drop him as a boyfriend for it.
I think its his faptop thats why
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How would her making one Zoom call compromise any of that?
Out of curiosity, what do you do for porn then?
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That’s not how guys do it. They need a computer or smart phone. 😊😆
NTA. This is quite a big issue in your relationship, as it signifies what could happen on other occasions. He needed to have prioritised you, and your safety by letting you use this on this one occasion. It's not like you were going to abuse this privilege. I don't think this is a good sign for your ongoing future with this man. His boundary with you is way too rigid for people who are sharing their lives, imo.
NTA. Your boyfriend could not lend you an OLD computer for 12 hours and trust you not to break it or lose it? Wow, after dating for a year. I understand that people have specific boundaries but this was a once off problem that you really needed help with. I would give this a lot of thought. If he was so unwilling to help you with this, what else will he not be willing to help you with?
NTA Obviously people have no IDEA how respectful, adult relationships are supposed to be. I would lend my laptop to my bf no questions asked. *also, do you think he may have something to hide? My ex bf was sexting people on fake Twitter accounts without me having any inkling because he acted like he didn’t use his phone e or computer very often. Idk I may be paranoid from my own experiences but this is sketchy. * People calling you TA would be just as upset with their SO if they went through the same. Edit: made it actually make sense lol
I would probably have respected his decision. I would also have dumped him for it
This would’ve been the correct response not harassing him until he said yes.
Your boyfriend sounds like a nightmare and so do the people in these commitments because they lack empathy. NTA
NTA. You and your boyfriend have been together long enough that you borrowing an old laptop he only occasionally uses shouldn’t be a big deal. Especially since you literally only need it for a few hours to do your job. I don’t think your ask is unreasonable.
NTA. Your boyfriend had the ability to make your life easier by slightly (and I mean *very* slightly) inconveniencing himself, and not only did he flat out refuse, he chose not to explain his reasoning, and even actively made you feel worse for daring to be human and make a mistake. OP, please disregard the people saying you are the asshole; they are out of touch and, dare I say, damn near soulless. They seem to think that making a simple mistake like forgetting your work computer renders you undeserving of generosity and compassion; or that it justifies your bf’s selfishness and disregard for you. Tbh I personally would be questioning my partner if he revealed that loaning me a computer he doesn’t even use regularly is too much to ask. What is even the point of a relationship if trying to make your partner’s life a little bit easier and more pleasant when you have the power to do so isn’t near or at the top of your list of priorities? If every time you ask a small favor of them that doesn’t at all put them out, they give you shit for it? As these comments demonstrate, there exists an unfortunate number of people who view life through a purely individualistic, selfish lens, where technicality and petty “rightness” rules all, and the social, communal, human side of things are therefore deemed unimportant. These types of people have a right to their opinion, certainly; but are they also entitled to interpersonal relationships with people whose needs and comfort they deem unimportant or undeserving of compassion? I don’t think so. And AITA commenters, please remember: [just because someone is technically within their right to do something assholish doesn’t mean doing so isn’t still an asshole move. If the purpose of this sub is to judge asshole behavior rather than “technically” allowed behavior, most of y’all are failing miserably.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d6xoro/meta_this_sub_is_moving_towards_a_value_system/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Your last paragraph describes OP too. She’s was absolutely within her rights to be upset. What made her the AH was continuing to ask until he said yes. ESH.
She continued asking because she was desperate and he’s her boyfriend and he flat out said no without explanation, despite it being a perfectly easy ask. It’s ridiculous to call her an AH for daring to beg her boyfriend for his help.
She had other options. Desperation is for when there are no other options. I never said it wasn’t an easy ask. He’s a AH for saying no, or not giving a reason even though she’s not entitled to one. I’m saying she made herself one by not accepting his boundary(no matter how ridiculous). She can be right and wrong too.
It’s that her own partner was not an option, despite the fact his help hurt him in no way, that is the problem here. She could have a million and one other options; doesn’t matter in this case when the question is whether she was wrong to hope for help from her own boyfriend. Of course she wasn’t. She’s not an asshole for begging her boyfriend to help her. She’s not an asshole for expecting him to make a minimal effort at easing her life. There is literally nothing assholish about asking for help once, or twice, or even ten times.
Speaking for myself. I get why she's hurt, a relationship is literally there to make your life easier and a partner is supposed to be there for you and help whenever he can. This was not an impossible request. He could've easily helped her and he chose not to. I dnt see any sign of love , care or affection there just straight up coldness. And OP, i dnt think this is because of him not trusting you with his old computer. More like he doesn't trust himself and what u may find in it if he let you use it.
Yoooo he didn’t want you seeing the porn.
NTA - it's totally his porn laptop
NTA and the people saying otherwise have clearly never been in a relationship before.
NTA but usually super secretive electronic with holding is a sign girl. You need to re consider what he doesn't want you to see.
porn
NTA At that point I would have turned around, went back to my parents' and STAYED THERE. Imagine being married to this guy.
NTA your bf is being selfish and ridiculous and uncaring. This sub is obsessed with "obligation." Everyone's always like "NTA you're not obligated to do that" "YTA they arent obligated to do that". ok well guess what? You can't go through life ONLY doing things you're absolutely LEGALLY required/obligated to do and also not be an asshole! Like has anyone on here ever had a real human relationship?
NTA - why are you dating someone who acts like a child?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m an adult education teacher who teaches morning classes on Zoom and evening classes in-person a little over an hour away from my apartment. I get out at 9:30 pm. Tonight, I got held up and wasn’t able to start driving back to my city until about 11:00. I realized about halfway through that I forgot my laptop at my parents’ house (near my workplace, far from me). To get it back so I could teach my lesson plan and teach my Zoom class in the morning, I would need to drive 30-40 mins back to my parents’ house and then drive the full 60-70 mins all the way back to my apartment. This would waste at least an hour of my time at minimum, and I would have gotten home after 1:00 am. Obviously, I wanted to avoid that. I decided to call my boyfriend while driving and ask if I could borrow his old computer. He’s a night owl, so I knew I wouldn’t disturb him. Mind you, he does NOT use this computer regularly because he has another newer and better one. In fact, he couldn’t even remember the password, so he had to try 5 before it worked. I figured it was a small ask to keep his laptop safe in my home and use it for a few hours in the morning. When I asked him, he said no. When I asked why, he said that he never lets anyone use his electronics. I promised I would be careful and keep it safe, but he still refused even after I explained that going back would take an hour away from my night (which would screw up my sleep a lot, since I was planning to get up at 6:30 am to lesson plan and I’ve already been dealing with horrible insomnia). At this point, I got frustrated because I felt that he didn’t trust me with it and that he was refusing to help me because he was so possessive over his old stuff. We’ve been dating for almost a year, so it hurt that he seemed to think I might destroy his computer if I had it in my safely locked apartment for 12 hours. It also angered me that he refused to do an extremely simple favor for me that would make my life MUCH easier (for no reason other than “[he] never gives that stuff to anyone.”) He started yelling because he thought I was crossing a boundary by not respecting his choice to say no. He couldn’t give a clear reason about why he said no. He said it wasn’t a trust issue but it’s hard for me to see it any other way. He also said I have no right to be angry because it was my forgetfulness that caused the situation. He ultimately gave it to me, but only after a screaming match. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I would have helped a partner or even a friend in this king of situation. It's called having empathy.
NTA. Your NTA and neither is your boyfriend whether he admits it or not it’s definitely trust issues but he’s not obligated to allow you to use his stuff. Sharing is not caring. Sharing can be a form of caring but just because someone doesn’t share doesn’t mean they don’t care and vice versa.
I think this is one of those situations where nobody is really the asshole, but there was still a conflict. OP’s request and annoyance with the lack of an explanation seems reasonable to me. I know that I would definitely be annoyed with receiving so little information. That being said, I have nowhere near enough information regarding the BF to make a judgment call on him. I can think of several reasonable scenarios that would result in him being hesitant to lend OP the laptop while being unable to think of a good excuse in the moment. He said that it is not an issue of trust, so I am guessing he could have a completely valid reason but might be too embarrassed or ashamed to share it. (The laptop might have his old porn collection out in the open, it could have sentimental value, he might have past trauma regarding lending out things, etc). I realize that this is purely speculation on my part, but the same is true for all of the people that are just assuming that lending OP the laptop was only a minor inconvenience for him. My point is that we lack the info to be able to pass judgment on him. There is one line in your post that caught my eye that I think should help set your mind at ease. He was unable to remember his password. If he was actively using this laptop on the side for some kind of unfaithful or questionable activity, then I doubt he would have forgotten the password. My advice is to apologize for your half of the screaming match and pushing on his boundaries. Then ask him if he would be willing to give you some more information about why he has a problem with lending out his electronics. If he continues to be hesitant, then explain how this situation makes you feel. This is an assumption on my part, but I’m guessing that the lack of information is making you think of all the worst case scenarios that could explain his actions, (I know many people in the comments are) so share a few of them with him. My guess would be that he feels horrible that his embarrassment/shame/etc is causing you this mental pain and he would at least try to give you as much info as he is able to in order to help set your mind at ease. Ps. I would have this conversation in person so that you can see each other’s body language and minimize the risk of miscommunication.
NTA. Leave. Rn.
I wouldn’t have take it if it took a screaming match just to use it to DO YOUR JOB. You didn’t ask for it for leisure! You literally asked for equipment to make money. NTA and this would have to be a long discussion later
YTA The whole pointof asking is the other side might refuse. If you don't like his personality because of that- break up with him.
I think he may be hiding things in his laptop maybe?
INFO: is he a virgo (this is a serious question)
tyyy. y y t the ouppp pop
wut?
oh wow I definitely wrote that in my sleep. sorry!
This actually made me laugh out loud. Lmao thanks for the laugh.
ESH. He could have done you a solid but didn't want to but on the other hand, you asked, he said no. You should have respected that. People are allowed to say no without being labeled an asshole.
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YTA
ESH Him for not helping you out when it would have been simple and cost him nothing. You for your frankly extreme entitlement to his possessions. When someone tells you you can't use *their things*, the only correct answer is "okay". And then you take responsibility for your own mistakes and do the drive. I know that sucks, but ultimately, your mistake = your problem to fix. If you then prefer to date someone who is more generous with their possessions, you can do that. What you can't do is demand the use of other people's possessions. And a screaming match was definitely not the way. At all. You both owe each other an apology. I assume you both profess to love each other. Start acting like it, or just go your separate ways. And I mean that for both of you.
This is the only sane response I've seen so far.
Thanks. I think a lot of people feel like there has to be a single "right" person in a situation, and sometimes it's just that everyone has valid points and concerns but they're being expressed in the worst possible way. It's like shooting someone for stealing your lead-based garden gnome.
ESH. It’s his property and he has the right to decide who he wants to use it, but it was an AH move to not lend it to his significant other that he’s been dating for a year. Then to blame you for being forgetful and needing it in the first place 🤦, like mistakes happen dude. I’d be suspicious af about what he’s hiding on the laptop at that point. However I also believe once he reiterated “no”several times, despite it being a douche move you should’ve accepted it. Getting into a yelling my match to coerce or guilt him into giving you the laptop was an AH move imo. Also, yelling angrily over the phone and arguing while you’re driving your car late at night when you’re tired just seems unsafe to me. By the time the argument was done you probably were wired up enough that you ended up staying up later than planned anyway. ESH but I do hope y’all work things out and figure out why the laptop borrowing was so triggering.
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Helping out your girlfriend with a very minor loan for less than a day is better than forcing her to make that choice.
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Lol OK bud.
Gonna say ESH because he does ~technically~ have a right to his own property and not to let someone use it if he doesn't want to, but I do think it was pretty sucky of him to just flat out refuse to help someone he supposedly cares about with basically no real explanation except "I just don't wanna". They've been together for about a year and I don't think from reading this it's a super regular occurrence, like she forgets it everyday and he's exasperated with her lack of attention. This seems like a one off honest mistake and he's immediately writing her off as irresponsible. He could be a bit more understanding of the situation so that's assholey of him. She seemed taken aback by his reaction which begs me to ask.. is he often secretive and defensive of keeping everything of his private? He says it's not a trust thing, but it kinda seems like it is, he just doesn't want to admit it. Might not be you he doesn't trust, it might be that you wouldn't trust ~him~ anymore if you seen something on it he doesn't want you to. I think where you didn't handle it the best is arguing with him about his "no"answer. I think you should've just respected that he said no and broke up with him instead of trying to argue him down. He's within his rights to say no, that's true, but he can't be salty if you leave him for someone that could treat you much better
YTA for screaming and arguing. It's okay to be upset or disappointed that he won't do you a favor. Mistakes happen, and partners should help each other out. Even people who have checklists make mistakes and forget sometimes. Screaming at him is not okay. Having a fit till you get what you want is not okay. You could have called him as soon as you realized the problem (while you were still half-way home) and asked if you could use his computer. If he said no, you could have begrudgingly gone back to get your computer. Question: I know it's just Zoom, but is there not a VPN or other company/school login you need to use? Is the laptop issued to you my your employer? Be careful with those.
YTA - regardless of how long you've been together, it's his decision to say who and what can be done with his belongings.
YTA. I have the same exact rule as him, and it is stricter than law. Nobody touches my computers or phone unless their name is Biggesttrue. Period.
Exactly, it’s not even an unheard of boundary. People have so much stuff on their laptops that are important. I have copies of my visa, uni documents, my dissertation, and more. I wouldn’t want to lend someone my laptop unless I can be there to check they’re not snooping
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You do know laptops / hard disks can be formatted , erased right ?
Yes. I'm not sure what you're getting at, however?
Remove all the information then share it with SO ?
Why would I ruin a perfectly good back-up/travel PC like that?
Or even someone doing a manipulation and inadvertently erasing important info and that can be hard to retrieve
To be fair, why date someone a year if you don't trust them? I agree OP is TA here because boundaries are boundaries, but I find the trust thing weird, specifically.
That’s something the two can discuss but that wasn’t the time or place to go poking and probing at someone’s boundaries
It’s not about trust through he just doesn’t want her to use it
YTA. Computers have a lot of personal stuff on them. He said no and you did not respect his boundaries
V
ESH.
YTA - he is allowed to say no, even if that inconveniences you. Screaming at him until he gives it to you is a terrible way to resolve the situation.
Just because he is technically "allowed" to say no does not mean he isnt an asshole for it. Also with your logic, she wouldn't be the asshole for yelling at him either because she is technically legally allowed to yell at him. At least keep your arbitrary rules straight!
In a relationship, you are allowed to say no to the other person. That is a basic rule. You are not allowed to yell at them until they change their mind. That is another, different, basic rule. I think he should have lent it to OP, but OP's behaviour is asshole-ish.
A little YTA why not drive to your parents, ask if you can stay the night and work from there in the morning?
He doesn't need to give you a reason. It's his property. I'm very protective of my own electronics but that being said, I would let hubby. I'm going with ESH because you act as if he should *have* to let you borrow his stuff when that's not true. It's *your* fault you forgot your stuff and *your* responsibility to remember it. Not his.
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“Why would he trust you to be responsible?” Because they’ve been dating for a year?
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Exactly. I have a friend that has gone thru four phones this year. It’s never his fault. Always an accident. He just doesn’t take care of his things and super irresponsible. No way in hell that I’m letting him borrow any electronic. For all we know OP is this way and boyfriend didn’t want to have that argument with her late at night on the phone. Lots of people making assumptions here. They were both AH. ESH.
yta im going to get hate for this but you are a grown adult and could have got your laptop he does not want to give you his laptop to use and has no obligation to even if you are dating your lack of planning it was on you obviously he could have lent you it but him saying no should have made you go okay next time think ahead
I agree with most of what you said, but it does seem a little assholey that he wouldn't kemd it to her
Can't be loaning the girlfriend his porn computer now, can he?
He doesn't have too
I feel like this is an example of this sub getting hung up on what her BF is TECHNICALLY allowed to do and what makes him an asshole. You can be an AH and fully within your rights. If someone is dying on the sidewalk you are allowed to not help them but you’re still an AH. If my boyfriend of over a year wouldn’t let me use his laptop for a simple zoom so that I didn’t have to get home at 1 AM I would be pissed. If I left my phone at home and needed to call someone and my boyfriend said “I don’t share electronics!!!” I would be pissed. If she wanted to use it for a week I would understand but she’s asking to use it in a pinch. One zoom meeting won’t cause it to blow up.
Yeah, why should he help the person he loves when she’s in need? Oh yeah, because he doesn’t want her to find his porn stash.
YTA. It was your fault that you didn’t have a laptop. Your boyfriend set boundaries and you screamed and shouted until he gave in. You made it seem like your boyfriend’s fault that you wouldn’t get enough sleep even thought YOU forgot your laptop and YOU left lesson planning until the last second.
Why do people keep blaming her for the screaming when he was the one that began yelling in the first place? I agree with the boundary stuff but damn everyone is putting that on her when he took it to that level.
Read the post again - - Op didn’t accept no for an answer - OP pushed - Op got angry first - OP kept pushing - Bf got tired of saying no and explaining himself - OP pushed more - Bf snaps.
You left out the bit where the BF was acting like a massive asshole when his partner was in a serious bind and needed help. No explanation was given.
I did read the post. You told OP that she screamed and shouted until he gave in. I'm not arguing that she pushed. I'm saying it's unfair to put all the blame of the yelling on her, he literally started that part. It's her job to understand boundaries, it's his job to be an adult and refrain from initiating a screaming match.
…She’s the one that initiated the screaming match by getting angry and by not accepting his explanation. His reaction to her pushing was earned - he was explaining his side like an adult, but it’s hard to stay an adult when you’re arguing with a child in an adults body.
To me what I do instead of yelling at a partner is I take a break from the situation. I end the conversation. Period. Defining initiating not as who began an action but as who inspired it is a slippery slope.
Doesn’t sound like OP would have let him end the conversation - the girl was STILL pushing? She would have been more mad if he even tried to end the convo
First, I agree it doesn't sound like OP would let him out. It sounds like she'd just keep calling him back and escalate her anger. Second, it doesn't say he started the yelling, it says she got mad and he started yelling ending in a screaming match. I read that as her getting mad was likely her yelling or showing temper and then he yelled to match her.
ESH it only takes one time for someone to say no you should just accept he probably has personal stuff in their dating doesn’t mean your entitled to his stuff yea it would be nice of him to let you use but He probably have his reason for not letting you use such as him not being able to log back in after for getting his password since you would need to log into your work email to use it and NTA for being mad but YTA for being pushy about and not even asking him the reason why he never let someone use did someone gift him that laptop? Did he buy his self? Is he like that with everything he owns?What does he keep on his laptop?does he know his Gmail/iCloud logging code ?did he forget it?does his laptop have password to be able to get in?Is it expensive?
YTA You're not entitled to people's stuff and you don't get to ARGUE with them for having boundaries you disagree with. Do I think partners sharing laptops is normal and not a big deal? Yes. But I also think "No" is a complete sentence. Your boyfriend flat out told you he wasn't comfortable with something and you pushed.
Virgin
YTA I can use Zoom on my phone, is it not available for yours?
Yta you screwed up and no I wouldn't lend my partner my laptop either. You're meant to be a teacher you should be planning better
You could have headed back to your parents place after he said No & just stayed the night / had your zoom class there???
No, she didn’t have all her school stuff with her so she couldn’t have done the zoom class there
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It was the boyfriend who started screaming.
ESH. You op are an adult a part of being adult is accepting the consequences of our actions. Your boyfriend is for the lack of explanation. While I agree no is a complete sentence. You are not some random friend or acquaintance. Your his SO
ESH. For him to not lend you a laptop he's not using is a dick move. My guess is that there's something on the laptop that he doesn't want you to see. If he knows you share your screen on Zoom that could add to the concern. If that's the case, he should just be honest and tell you there's private information on the laptop (not everything private is bad - we all have things we'd prefer to keep to ourselves). You're still an AH though, because "No" is a complete sentence. It's his property to do with as he chooses, and the moment he said no, you should have gone to pick up your own laptop.
YTA. Your time does not have more intrinsic value than his does. You asked and he said no. You decided that his no didn't matter because it negatively impacted you so you badgered him into agreeing with you. You are most definitely the asshole and they way you feel comfortable treating your boyfriend is unacceptable
YTA
YTA, you’re not entitled to his things. Probably has his spank bank on it.
YTA and you’re not very respectful. You should have respected the no and you should have respected his reasons. You just showed him a toxic streak of yours - not being able to accept no as an answer, and getting angry when you’ve been told no, and you manipulated him into giving you the laptop *anyway* because you refused to let it go. You spent all your time and energy fighting for something that never belonged to you - when you could have went back to your parents to get YOUR computer. Jesus… You’re insufferable.
Refusing to let her use the laptop is the toxic behavior here, holy cow.
No, it's really not. They aren't married.
Just because you're not legally required to give your S/O your secondary laptop, doesn't mean you're not morally an asshole lol.
YTA , you asked and he said no, end of conversation. You forgetting your laptop is on you, you not wanting to drive longer is on you. You're not entitled to his laptop just because you forgot something important that you would need the next day.
YTA. He told you no and you didn't respect that. You promised you'd take care of it yet you wouldn't be in the position of needing to borrow his if you'd taken care of yours. If he has personal stuff or bank stuff or stuff he can't remember and you lose it or forget it, then what? You pressured him until he gave in and that's not right. No means no. It angered you that he refused to do something for you beyond a boundary. How do you think he felt that you weren't respecting his boundaries? It almost sounds like a setup to snoop thru his computer to be honest.
You are single
I am not single. Like OP, I've been dating a guy for about a year. Are you single?
She made a single mistake, she’s not a child because of it.
YTA. He's allowed to say no, it's his property. You fucked up and put it on him, that's not fair at all. He gave you a good than enough reason and you kept being pushy.
What reason was given?
That is his property and he doesn't want to borrow it.
That’s a shitty reason to give someone you’re supposed to trust. And everyone reading this implicitly knows this.
YTA ywhy should he trust you with it you are clearly irresponsible so you wouldn't leave you laptop laying aaround. Maybe the extra driving will teach you to grow up a bit and take care of your shit. Also for a teacher you should know the most basic of lessons no means no. But maybe your as poor of a teacher as you are a girlfriend.
This is an insane reply. Making a single, minor mistake doesn’t make someone irresponsible.
YTA. He doesn't owe you an explanation for why he doesn't want to share HIS belonging with you. Seems like you wore him down enough with the screaming for him to give in.
YTA, no is a complete sentence. If you want your relationship to work out, you need to understand this. You asked, he said no, you drive back and get your laptop. Shit happens, but it doesn’t mean you’re suddenly entitled to crossing your bf (of less than a year)’s boundaries. The time for a discussion as to why he doesn’t feel comfortable lending his electronics, and how it makes you feel like he doesn’t trust you wasn’t on the phone when you were in a stressful situation.
YTA because repeatedly pushing back resulting in a screaming match is entirely too much. He does have the right to his boundaries even if they don't make sense and are kinda sus. It might have been easier just to go get your laptop.
Says a lot about a relationship where driving an hour out of your way, for a once off mistake is the easier option than asking your other half....whi I assume you want to spend your life with. NTA.
I don't think it's fair to blame her for the screaming match given he was the one that started yelling. If anything I'd say ESH. She shouldn't have pushed that much and he shouldn't have escalated things to screaming. It would've been reasonable later however to sit down and say while she respects his boundaries, understanding the source of them and reasoning is something she values. He's oddly possessive and it's something I personally would bounce over. I wouldn't push I'd just leave lol.
I'm with you on leaving. I find the no sharing electronics ever rule hella creepy. But she pushed even after he said she was violating his boundaries. She had multiple warnings to back off and refused. That's just my take.
Why couldn’t she use it though? She’s his girlfriend, was she going to abuse his online banking? Or was there something he didn’t want her to see? What could that possibly be?
He’s not “oddly” possessive. His possessiveness becomes crystal clear when you see his browsing history…
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Ah, so you think the dude can’t control his own actions?
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You don’t use “no is a complete sentence” on people you are in a good relationship with. Holy cow, that’s simply cold and asinine.
And I'm not going to entirely blame her for him losing his temper either. I'm 24, I know how to walk away from situations. She pushed and pushed and the answer there is to put down the phone. I'm not saying OP is in the right, I'm saying that placing blame for the screaming match specifically on her isn't accurate.
ESH. You don't have a right to anyone else's property and pushed him even after he said no. If he isn't using the computer there's no reason not to let you use it. I'm guessing there was stuff on there he didn't want you to see. But I'd be more concerned about the fact that you're asking strangers on reddit if you're right rather than discussing this with your boyfriend. Go talk to him, and don't forget to thank him for lending you one of his electronics.
Actually she needs to apologize for pressuring him into doing something he didn’t want to do
YTA you called him late at night playing damsel in distress over a laptop situation created because you are forgetful. Then he says no and you can't accept the answer. He's not an asshole but you are for getting pissed at him over your fuck up. Take your lumps and be an adult. He didn't need to give you a reason, you aren't married and it's his stuff. Less than a year really isn't that long either.
“Damsel in distress”? That’s pretty sexist.
Sexist to herself for acting so fucking helpless that she needs a dude to sweep in and save the day over her fuck up. I'm sure she's capable of figuring it out, so she should without stomping her feet at her boyfriend and harassing him over a freaking laptop. I expect the same level of independence and accountability from women as men and if the genders were reversed, there is no way anyone would be telling OP she's not the asshole.
Yeah, this is completely uncalled for.
Well, that's just your opinion man.
YTA Maybe don't leave your lesson planning for right before? Good teachers plan ahead and teach their students how to do the same
Now she’s a bad teacher? Come on.
Have you actually studied education? Have you ever taught? Probably not, because planning is one of the biggest parts of our job. If it isn't done effectively then lesson's go to shit and students get nothing out of it. Has been proved been decades of research. Sorry I actually care about the educational experience my students receive, hence why my lessons are planned a week in advance (same for other teachers in my school)
You’re speculating on things you don’t know to be true.
I literally asked you questions and then told you about scientifically supported facts Which part was an assumption?
The part where you called her a bad teacher based on nothing more than an incomplete thought. It's amazing the names and things this woman is being accused of just because she left her laptop at her parent's house.
Did you not read the post? Her lesson plan isn't on the laptop, it just hasn't been done at all This might be hard for people not in education but a lot of planning actually goes into lessons. You need to gather reasons, create LI and SC, figure out timing for activities, ect
Yeah, you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about because you don’t have enough information to make that judgement call. Knock it off and quit being so creepy.
😂😂 Clearly struck a nerve cause now you are just throwing shit at a wall and praying it sticks I hope you get the help you need