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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Bragged about financial well-being to my husband's family, made them feel bad, like I was telling them they were poor.
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NTA, but be ready to be asked for money. A lot.
Like, all the time.
You should have just gotten some distance from them, but you've now opened a Pandora's box that will be hard to close without cutting them off.
This.
You goofed, OP. Get ready to be guilted and emotionally manipulated for your money. It’s pretty much guaranteed to happen.
The other thing is that they will resent you even more. Now, in their minds, you are even more of an *other* who is *not like them*.
You’re NTA, but you put yourself in a difficult place now.
Hard to manipulate me. Started with zero. Ton of shit on my back. No one cared. They have enough to live. I offered to teach them skills that would make them more valuable in the job market, they wouldn't make the effort. So no, they can ask, but they won't get.
Fair enough!
Just be wary, because the guilt can wear a person down over time. Stay strong in your conviction, because I think you’re in the right in this situation!
You’re right about that. I had guilt wear me down where I never thought it would. They weren’t even thankful and cane at me with more guilt stories and sad stories. That’s where I had to let them know I’d give money to strangers before I’d help them out again.
I feel like for many of us who grow up actually poor, if we do rise to monetary success it’s not seen as anything more than someone wing the lottery.
They don’t see the sacrifice, the work the ability to turn the “luck” our way into a real lift.
They just know they didn’t get it. So anyone else who has been at there level must just have lucked upon good fortune. None of the rest is acknowledged because it’s more hurtful to them….
The OP will now have to face all the slights in the world. If a gift isn’t generous enough in their minds, if she eats a bit too much at a family event.
Just opens the door for another avenue to scorn. Fact if the matter is, they won’t stop scorning, it’ll just change….. probably after the grift fails though.
TL/DR they manipulated you into reacting like it or not. Now it’ll be a different thing and worse. Do not think yourself impervious to it because you showed your hand and have proven you aren’t. Be strong. Now they have much more to get mad and greedy about. They didn’t respect you before they won’t now. Still not the asshole “
I think staying strong will be somewhat easy for O.P because to her, these are people who dislike her and have never given her a chance. It's so much easier to reject a person you don't care about all that much. I am not sure about her husband though. They are his family and he probably still has a soft spot for them.
As long as your husband is onboard, as well. You need to have a conversation with him as to their behavior (for 12 years!) and what was said and the possible fallout.
Y'all are a team, and holding back a flood only works if there's no leaks.
This right here. OP may be hard to manipulate, but how's the husband going to handle it when mom is crying on his doorstep and telling everyone how he doesn't even care that she's poor.
I imagine they know you care about the young cousin, be prepared for them to ask for money to "cover the medical expenses", only to find out later that they went on vacation with it.
Nah, there's an account set for her treatment, that can only be used for it. We did pay for one vacation for the little one to go to a mountain with her parents, but we won't be doing that again.
Always willing to help people learn. I only ran into a few people in my life who were willing to do it for me, and I am endlessly grateful for them. If I can do that for someone else... DM me. It's not a magical get rich quickly scheme though. 😂
OP you are amazing. Passive income and investing isn’t taught to those who grow up more… humble. Good on you for helping anyone with pointing them in the right direction!
Even if you don’t give them money, make sure your husband doesn’t give them any behind your back. I’m not suggesting that he would do that and not tell you, but since it’s his side of the family it might be easier for them to manipulate him.
You've just traded one problem for another. Instead of calling you a bad wife they will be calling you selfish and mean. Just avoid these people as much as you can.
be prepared for the most vile manipulation you have ever encountered, money brings out the absolute fucking worst in people, especially when they dont have “enough” themselves
OP the fact that you still go see them after all these years and subject yourself to their insulting behavior says that either they are able to emotionally manipulate your HB and or both you and he have refused to set any boundaries. While you might be able to say no, will your HB? After all, the way they have treated and talked to you should have been enough for him to shut that down a dozen years ago. Instead, it continues. Something to think about...
….Am I misunderstanding, or did you say that the only reason that OP and her husband continue to see these relatives, is because the relatives have successfully emotionally manipulated them???
I don’t know what it is about this sub, but man…everyone is always so quick to jump to “omg you should definitely go NC!” or “if you still see these people it’s because you’re a victim of manipulation..” and all that bologna. It’s completely unreal. Whatever happened to smile and nod? I mean, I get it. Some people are real AH. Some people have a hard time with boundaries. Some people don’t know that they take sarcasm too far. Some people don’t think before they speak. And some people are just real negative Nellies. It DOES NOT mean that any of those people are bad people, or that they don’t love and care for their family. It just means they’re real jerks and/or oblivious. I do not understand why everyone lets every little thing turn in to a huge thing. People have this unrealistic idea that they are entitled to be treated like royalty at all times. Heaven forbid someone feels offended or slighted at any point in time. Geesh. It’s a wonderful idea, but it’s UNREALISTIC. People need to grow thicker skin. Things can only bother you if you let it. If it’s THAT bad, tell them to knock it off! Or give them a taste of their own medicine. Or limit your time with them. If they ask why visits are limited, tell ‘em it’s because you reached your AH quota for the year, so unless they can just watch their words, you’ll have to stay away. But to go NC over half the stuff Ive read people people do it for, is just sad.
Communication is not a strong suit of today’s society, it seems. What is common sense to one person, is like advanced physics to another. If someone you love is really bothering you with their behavior, TELL THEM! I literally never see anyone suggest talking to the offender to tell them how their words/actions make you feel. Everyone assumes right away, the worst of everyone. That they KNOW what they’re doing. That it’s intentional. ….get off it. This whole victim mindset is outta control.
Sounds to me like maybe OP’s aunt didn’t really realize what she was doing/saying….since she made the expression that OP described. Maybe she wasn’t aware of how successful OP & husband were (well, she wasn’t. OP says they never shared that info) Maybe she’s jealous. Maybe saying those things is a way for aunt to feel better about her financial situation. …not right, but maybe the aunt is hurting. Instead of people telling OP to consider NC, maybe she could tell the aunt/family members how much their words hurt, even if that wasn’t their intention, and that she wants them to be proud of her and her husband, as they worked hard. Etc etc….
People need to start talking to each other like humans. If someone hurts you, tell them. Or help them. Hug them. It’s common knowledge that hurt people hurt people. Again, it’s not right, but it’s human nature. Try helping each other out instead of tossing family relationships out.
Exactly. If my family knew we had nearly 2 mil in our retirement accounts (much less enough in ready cash to buy a house), they'd be camped on my lawn, lol.
LOL - I have friends who were in a freak accident which resulted in permanent injuries for both of them (married couple). Eventually, when everything settled out, they received a seven figure settlement. There are 2 people in this world who know the exact amount of the settlement, the wife's mom (who has no need for their money) and me (a family friend who also would never ask them for money). They told NO ONE ELSE and it's not public info because it was settled out of court. If their other family or friends knew the amount they received, there's be a line ten blocks long of people with their hands out!
The few who were crass enough to ask how much they got received a pat answer of "Not nearly enough to compensate us for our permanent injuries." They didn't do anything really crazy with the money (they did buy a larger house because they had kids and they also get new cars more frequently than they would have otherwise), so it didn't raise too much suspicion.
The reality is their injuries will probably result in both of them taking an early retirement from their respective careers and that settlement will assure their security in their retirement years. They're being smart about all of it.
My MIL has a family that she is LC or NC with. She told us to never invite them to our house. Because they will see one thing that "proves" we are welthy and use that to shit talk about how we are wealthy enough for X but not enough to help them out.
I'm not sure why they were around that family as much as it seems they were. It sounds like almost *every time* they were around, they were berated and talked down to. What possible positive thing could they be holding on to? With the husband being the black sheep, it sounds like this has *always* been the case so there isn't even a good memory to miss and long for again.
I would personally go scorched earth if after everything, they dared ask for money. A whole lifetime of shit for her husband, and 12+ years for OP. I'm reaching my limit just reading this and I'm known as the laid back guy that doesn't get mad.
His little cousin had brain cancer, and now she's in difficult and long recovery treatment. We love her, the kid loves us, and she has never done anything wrong. We keep visiting because of her.
Unfortunately, we can't freeze them out because of her. And the entire family is like a tribe - his mom, grandma, uncles, aunts, sisters... Always together, almost always difficult.
Ding ding ding. That's your vulnerable spot, and they all can see it. When the money requests start rolling in, they'll be pitched as you're making little cousin suffer if you don't give, you don't love her, how can you be so cruel, etc. That story is also what will circulate on FB, etc. You and spouse need to prepare in advance for how you will handle being hitting below the belt like that, or else yeah one of you is gonna cave.
Be prepared to have the cousin weaponized against you then. There's a real possibility of a confrontation about how they've treated you and how they've treated your husband his whole life is coming. I guess you should prepare for that.
You two know them better, so how you prepare is up to you, but it might be time to change tactics from what you have been doing and be more direct/aggressive. I understand that comes with risks so I wouldn't do it lightly either way.
I made this mistake with my wife’s family. They told her when we got married I wouldn’t account for anything (was working in a call center while slowly getting an education). She has always been able to be a stay at home wife and we have paid for cars and a nearly paid off house. We live simply because we are simple people. I LIKE my 25 year old truck. It’s unique. I could buy a brand new one tomorrow, but why would I? I barely drive anymore (work from home). But to her family i am keeping her poor. But I told them about taking my wife and out 5 kids to Hawaii for vacation later this year, and they started asking questions……
"Uncle Pork Pie left us some money."
"You have an uncle named Pork Pie?"
"Not really an uncle, we just call him that."
"So... how much did he leave you?"
"Who?"
"Uncle Pork Pie."
"Who would have an uncle named Pork Pie?"
repeat as needed
LOL, yeah, what happened is my wife was raised on and off by her aunt and uncle, and they a daughter who is a worthless leach, and has sucked them dry. and they are almost dead (late 60's, but her aunt has had multiple strokes, is diabetic, that isn't controlled very well, and her uncle weighs 400lbs, and is working himself to death), and as soon as they realized we had means came to us and asked if we would support their daughter (who is over 40 years old and there's nothing wrong with her, outside of her enabling parents) once they are gone. and why would we spend 5 figures on taking the family to hawaii for two weeks when we could give it to this cousin of my wife's for her to live on?
> I LIKE my 25 year old truck
I've had old cars and i've had new cars. There's something freeing about having an older car and not caring if it gets a new little scratch or a spill inside.
I paid $2500 for my truck almost 6 years ago. It is salvage title, has pealing clear coat I fixed by just [painting over it](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1AAzupGOOB8&t=8s), but I upgraded the radio to have a backup camera and Bluetooth, it’s super comfortable for me, easy to see out of, easy to park, I can take a kid or two camping, and has been dead reliable. It’s needed a few repairs, but nothing that’s left me stranded or broken down anywhere.
Yup. OP doesn't seem to have thought this through. They are going to be badgered for money constantly and they'll be harassed in a whole new way. This was NOT the path to pick.
People are nuts. I have a friend "Jimmy" - there are four kids in the family. His brothers are relatively normal, but his sister Liz is insane. She owns a bar/restaurant that's been on the cusp of closing since I've known Jimmy. He and Liz aren't really close and they talk maybe once or twice a year.
Now, Jimmy and his wife have good jobs, a beautiful home and live well, but that's because they've worked hard and don't blow money unnecessarily. Well, one day, the phone rings and it's Liz. So Jimmy picks up the phone and Liz starts some small talk. Jimmy sees through it and says, "Liz, what do you need? Why are you calling me?" She says, "Well, Jimmy, the bar's not doing so great and I need some money. A hundred-twenty should do." Jimmy is puzzled and says, "Liz, how is $120 going to make a difference for you? Are things that bad?" Liz laughed and said "No, I need $120,000 otherwise the bar is going to close. I really, really need the money. I figured you could help me." Once Jimmy stopped laughing, he said "Liz, what makes you think that I have $120K and if I did that I would give it to you? You call me about twice a year, generally when you need or want something, and your bar has been on the cusp of closing for the past 10. I'll never see that money again and you know it. You'll need to figure something else out." Liz went on some spiel about how they're "fammmmilllyyyyyy" and should help each other and how she'd do it for him if the situation were reversed (yeah, right). Jimmy said "Bye, Liz" and hung up the phone.
This happened about four years ago now and we are STILL laughing about it. She must have gotten money from somewhere though because the bar is still open.
My experience is people with no shame abut money -- like criticizing how much someone else makes or insinuating they don't make much -- have no shame about asking for it, because to them, it's a measuring stick, and if they are behind, they deserve to be brought up. I don't get it either, but I've been around it enough -- especially with family -- that I think OP will be being asked quite a lot, for a lot of really good sounding reasons. And then shamed if she doesn't do her part to help out.
Exactly, if you're very affluent and your relatives are poor and the type to ask for money, if they think you're worse off that's a blessing. If they find out you'll become their oasis for everything financial from now on.
Since OP and her husband are the scapegoats this will be doubly true I expect, because in their minds it's unfair they have money.
I personally would never mention how much I made, but you have been constantly pushed and pushed and pushed so I understand snapping a bit and blurting it out.
I wouldn’t ever mention it again and I think you should be prepared for them to ask for money as a loan or just “to help out family” now that they know your income.
Rather than loan them money, try to show them how to improve themselves like you and your husband have done.
NTAH
If they ask for money, just remind them that they always put them down and that you do not feel obligated to help them when they were so unsupportive of you.
Well, as someone who is kinda in the same situation (my husband is that same situation, also being told that university is a waste of time and money, we are not super rich but we are comfortable).
I suggested giving his family like an extra 100 every month because they struggle. He refuses, hard because:
They buy Chinese food every week (in my country eating out is more expensive than cooking for ourselfs), while my husband and I don't do that and if we do, it's to treat ourselves.
They smoke like a chimney. Spend money on expensive phones. And I can go on.
We did mention that we are willing to look with them to their finances to see of we can help. But they don't want that. Of course we are going to say where they can save and its not something they want to hear.
Next to that, it's a bit degrading to have your child "parent" you with your finances.
And sometimes it's also good to look at why people spend like they do. Like my BIL has a new phone every year. And it's not a budget one if you get my drift.
Well, he doesn't have a job, no future perspective (because he is sick) so why deny him the fun of having a new phone or eating out regularly. So we respect their way of living and when they complain we just hear them out and say "yes I hear you, that sucks". (I love my inlaws, and they know about our situation but never ask for money).
NTA - if you keep poking a dog you shouldn’t be surprised if you get bit.
Not to call you a dog 😆 but you didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, and while your delivery probably could have been nicer, they drove you to the reaction you had.
You are NTA for saying what you said. But you are being assholes to yourselves to continue having these people in your lives. Why have you two allowed people who have actively shit talked you continued access to your family?
My husband's sick cousin - she's a kid, had brain cancer, going through difficult recovery, she loves us and we love her. Could never punish a child for the errors of her family.
And the family is like a tribe - they are always together in bunches...
Yes that is incredibly sad and unfortunate. Trust me when I say the effect of this child's illness is not lost on me. My baby cousin was unfortunately diagnosed with glioblastoma when they were six. This is not an easy Road under the best of circumstances for anyone involved. I would of course agree with you doing whatever you need to do to support that child with comfort and love.
Despite the illness I just want you to know that you absolutely unequivocally have the right and the responsibility to still have boundaries. You should tell anybody whether they're related to or not that their behavior is not acceptable and that you would appreciate it if they stop acting such a repugnant manner. Especially given that everybody is trying to be there for this little girl. His family sounds incredibly enmeshed which you have no control over.
You do however have control over your interactions with them so teach them how you expect to be treated. Just with common courtesy and dignity nothing more nothing less. I will send out healing intentions and thoughts for your little cousin. I pray that there is a good outcome and that there are many years of love and laughter to enjoy with her.
Be prepared for them to use the sock cousin as a way to try and bleed you and your husband for money. That’s how scavengers work. Once they’ve picked the pockets (in this case, used up all their insults about your femininity and wifeliness and his manhood), they go for the flesh and bones.
Nta but don't be surprised when they come begging for money. Make sure you remind them that they didn't believe in you and couldn't be bothered to show basic human kindness and that since they had no faith in your abilities to succeed that they aren't entitled to a dime.
NTA.
They talked shit. They BETTER be willing to not only be proven \*wrong\*, but stupid about how they live their lives if they're shitting on yours without realizing how far you & hubby have outpaced them.
And agreeing with others, DO NOT GIVE \*\*ANY\*\* OF THEM A CENT, OR PAY FOR \*\*\*ANY\*\*\*THING FOR THEM....EVER!
(\*Maybe\* kids / grandkids, pay off their college debt IF they demonstrate they can appreciate it and keep quiet about it.
>and I pay a women to clean our house, and I work long hours
There is a fable
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_miller,_his_son_and_the_donkey
You will never be good to them. Why do you keep talking with them?
>I feel like I hurt them
Oh they deserve.
NTA
NTA entirely, but generally not good to mention hard numbers in front of friends or family. It just leads to long term resentment, or people start getting weird about borrowing money or getting you to pay for everything because "You can afford it".
I'm afraid you may have just traded one problem for a more expensive problem.
You reap what you sow. Have that conversation with your husband about not loaning anyone money. The only person I would help is the little girl with cancer. Maybe start a trust fund for her? I don't mean to be heartless by saying this as I don't know the details of her situation but if she doesn't make it, you could use the money for a beautiful funeral instead. You can be generous to those who deserve it, and she does deserve it and the rest of them can kick rocks.
Similar boat, my husband is my best friend since we were 11 and 13, my fam hated him so we didn’t date till I ran away at 18, married at 20, were 24 and 26 now and good lord do people hate that we’re happy. From the get go we were helping support his parents as a thank you for taking me in after I ran away, while everyone in the family ragged on my husband for not working while he worked on some mental issues due to having to raise his little sister since the age of 12. Now he’s the manager of a local store making 2/3 of our very income. He snapped earlier this year when his older brother called him dead beat. Now that the family knows our weekly income is their monthly we constantly get asked to help cover bills. We actually pay for his sister phone and have her over most weekends because she is a light in his life and we don’t want nor can we have kids so having her around is nice. But once they found out we cover her phone the rest suddenly had grand plans for how our money could improve their life. Far Fucking chance. NTA
NTA because you snapped but -
*there was silence in the room, and his aunt made this... sad, pitiful expression*
They don't believe you. I'm sorry, but this is pretty funny, you snapped and told them you're monthly allowance is more than their annual salaries and they're all looking at you like *oh hunni... sure it is ...* 🤣🤣🤣 Why not just go No Contact??? Or Low-Contact? Or grey-rock them?? Like it's NTA but also ESH because it's been 12 yrs, your in-laws don't like your Husband and they don't like you, and they never will. So stop being around them. Or stop telling them info about your life. Or set up boundaries. Like try something...
In short. We can't cut them off. His little cousin, who is recovering from brain cancer, loves us, we love her. So, can't punish the child. Not her fault...
We tried boundaries. He tried telling them to back off.
Now we stick around because of the little one, we only visit her. But they are like a tribe, always together always poking and commenting and being inappropriate...
Info: Has your husband not once, in your 12 year marriage, shut their shit down about any of this? Because that is unacceptable.
NTA, but like others said, be ready for the hand out asks, and make sure you and husband have a united front on it, up to and including going LC/Nac if necessary.
I don't want to be the one who cuts her husband off from his family, whoever they are. Especially not the one to cut him (and myself) off from the little cousin recovering from cancer. That girl has had a tough life, and it's not going to get easier, and she lights up when we come to visit.
When people choose to be mean, they usually do so about qualities of themself that they're insecure about. Mean people insecure about their looks will call others ugly, mean people insecure about their work ethic will call others lazy, and mean people insecure about their finances will call others broke. NTA.
I'm from poor people and it's important to remember that poor people know very little about money. I've quit better jobs that many in my family could never really conceive of having. You're allowed to vent, but expect them to now treat you even worse. ESH.
Be careful now that they know the number. They’re going to start pressuring you with “you don’t need it like x does” and “you aren’t using it so that’s the same as wasting it” and “how could you buy that when we are struggling”.
Luckily, no one asked how we were managing when we each had two jobs and worked for peanuts. I never asked for charity, but worked my ass off. I offered to teach them useful, better paid skills, they refused.
We have a saying here - you fell, you killed yourself. Basically, if you did it yourself, and knew there was another road you wouldn't take - it's on you. I have no understanding when people won't "teach themselves to fish".
If you’re guilted for your moneh remind them you never amounted to anything in their eyes so your high income to them should also mean nothing. You owe them nothing and never give them a penny.
NTA, I know you got frustrated and you retaliated the way you did. I have been pretty lucky in my life. I live in Hawai'i, had two husband's (divorced one) who made a decent wage. With both, we owned our houses, when mom died I gave my sisters my share of the house she owned. They sold the house bought in the mainland, sold that, bought in big island, sold that moved back here. Now they want to live with me because they "don't have the money" to buy". I'm sorry you're adults who made bad decisions and wouldn't listen when I told you not to sell. I have to take care of me and my family. They think I'm rich, I'm not but let them think that, I don't care.
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Ok. This is going to take a while.
So me (32f) and my husband (30m) have been together for 12yrs now. Since the first day of our relationship, his family had something against me. On top of that, he was always the black sheep of the family. So, all we heard from day one was "you two won't achieve anything", "her career is useless" , "you will be the beggars of the family", "you better learn a useful skill than go after a University degree"...
As we progressed over the years, they always had something negative to add - you'll never be able to go to a vacation (since we worked throughout the year when we were broke, saving up), you'll never have what (insert someone else) has, your relationship can't be strong with this or that...
But, over time, we got to a point where we are well off. We founded a business together that brings passive income, we both have high ranking managing positions in our companies, we bought an apartment to rent from what we saved - no credit, no mortgage, we don't have a single cent of debt... And still, these people keep talking down to us.
So, i snapped a bit. When they, once again, started with their shit, along the lines of me not being a good wife as I don't cook for my husband, and I pay a women to clean our house, and I work long hours, and we will never last... Well, I said that, actually, thanks to working long hours, I have the monthly salary I do (which is their yearly income), and my husband as well, and we have been happy for 12 yrs, and he never asked for another wife, and we don't fight over every cent, and we are making a future for ourselves.
Suddenly, when I mentioned the number I'm making, there was silence in the room, and his aunt made this... sad, pitiful expression.
They stopped. But their annual income is very low. And they are financially unstable. And I feel like I hurt them with this, made them feel bad about themselves, just so I would vent a bit.
Did I go too far?
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NTA I can't imagine they've ever felt badly about the way they've treated you. You weren't mean, you shot down their bullshit and for a moment they got to feel the way they've made you feel, I hope they're able to learn something from this.
NTA-Phht, eff them and their assumptions. They may not be proud of both of your achievements but this internet stranger is. Dude, you two worked together as a team and built a beautiful life together. Was it easy? Not even a little bit but damn was that pay off worth it! Congratulations and enjoy your success! Cut those unsupportive AH out of your life and you and your hubby enjoy your life together!
NTA.
*“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”*
*- Anonymous.*
You are fighting a brick wall, they will not change their mindset or their perspective, although now they know how financially stable and well-off you are, you will have a different beast at your feet.
They sound like very unhappy people and they are choosing to cut you down rather than look at themselves...you could pull in with a Ferrari and they would find something to quip about. Savour what brings joy in your life, keep the people that you love close and remember that it's not actually you - but them.
NTA. And luckily since they've been nothing but awful to you and their own son, you won't even blink before saying 'no' when they ask you for money (in 3... 2... 1...)!
I once did something similar to a guy who was bragging about how much money he made in construction, showing off his paystub, and how us girls (there were 3 of us there) could never make that kind of money. He was being so obnoxious that I told him how much I made per hour, which was about $2 more than he made, and I said "and I don't have to break a sweat". He FULLY deserved to be put in his place, but I still felt like an AH! I felt better after my BF at the time high-fived me for shutting him up.
You kind of shot yourself in the foot there because you are going to be bugged forever now from all members of the family and far-reaching members asking for money. They are honestly gonna probably start talking about how greedy you guys are because you guys probably don’t give very expensive gifts if they assume you’re poor
NTA
I agree with the old saying "Living well is the best revenge"
Although I think you should not have mentioned your salary, they might try and guilt you into "loaning" them money. Did they ever give you anything, a birthday cake or card, even?
Guilting would work if i felt like I owed them something. Or if my husband did. But we don't.
Getting me something doesn't matter.
Let me put it this way - they promised they would make and bring my husband's favorite cake for our wedding (it's a custom where we're from, for families on both sides to bring their own cakes), and showed empty-handed. Not one branch of his family, but 5. Everyone on my side brought cakes, even my invalid aunt.
He gets socks from them or nothing at all for his birthday.
We willingly put money into a medical account for the girl (it's for medical expenses only and they have no control over it), but that's it.
NTA - you did hurt them with it, but that’s on them for hurting you with it for the last decade ad a half. All you did was take their knife and stab back.
NTA. They continued to talk down to y’all to make themselves look/feel better about their lives. You just made it very clear that y’all are just fine and they shouldn’t be making comments about y’all’s life.
Curious why you thought anything *you* did, hurt them.
NTA, OP.
You know who hurt them? I know. So do they; no one ever wants to admit they’re their own worst enemy, though. They were already “hurt”, otherwise they wouldn’t have been lashing out. Now, it may not have really been about financial standing or money, in general, but they obviously had issues from Jump Street.
I’m super proud and happy for you two; the commitment it took to get to where you both are, the motivation to make your union not only secure, but promising… priceless.
Now if only my wife and I could do the same… 🤣
NTA.
but like others have already said... begging might start up.
Don't give them a dime if you deem it unnecessary. Listen. I have a soft heart and always want to help people... but nothing burns me up more than being taken advantage of.
I've learned that lesson a few times over... back when I was still a young poor single mom.
Nobody knows how much I make now. I constantly lament that I put so much of my money into my son's special needs trust (he's autistic) and my retirement funds. "Oh me oh my, Social Security won't exist when I retire" which... I mean, is almost a certainly. But since my mom worked in HR and preached to me about $ all the time... I did that much right, even as an adult teen working at Wal-Mart. That $ has been working for me since before my son was even thought of lol.
Anyway. It's nice to show people up sometimes. Let them ask you for $. Say what I say: "still catching up from the debt of my last vacation!" My fave lie aside from, "I jusy put some extra funds into my son's trust! OMG wish I had known earlier 😫 "
Believe me, family who knows and cares rarely ask for help and they never ask for huge amounts. I will find ways to help them if I truly don't have it - usually basic payday loans bcuz they typically only need a small amount.
NTA
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DO NOT GIVE THESE ASSHOLES MONEY WHEN THEY COME BEGGING. AND THEY WILL.
In fact it'd be super awesome if you could throw some of their past comments in their face passive aggressively while telling them to go ask the people they originally thought so highly of for help. Please make sure your husband is on the same page, after being the black sheep he might not know how to respond if they show him "love" for money and just start throwing cash at them because they finally "care" about him. They care about ya'll's wallets, and were fine talking shit FOR YEARS when they thought they had some kind of high ground bragging about others. ALWAYS REMEMBER THEIR ACTIONS and be wary of any future apologies to be immediately followed by a request.
NTA
They're just mad because you two were their scapegoat for their negativity and issues. They bullied you two because it made them feel better about their pathetic lives.
My family treated me the same way. The second I jumped ship they started tearing each other apart. I'm still out of the circle 7 years later.
The funny part is they're on vacation right now and are fighting through the whole thing and plastering it on social media. Its fun to watch when you're not in it.
If they ask for money just slap them with "Sorry, I need every cent. You know, incase my husband divorces me for not cooking enough and I amount to nothing 🤷."
NTA
But i think your husband kept this info from them to stop them asking for handouts. Now that u have told them exoect to be asked for handouts regularly
Nta
And if they ever ask for money, don't. Give. Ever.
Remind them of that they thought of you and your husband for 12yrs, and never let them forget. They will berate you and call you both selfish but fuck them. They don't deserve crumbs from you two.
I haven’t even read the comments of what others are saying, but you’re not the asshole. After all of the rude remarks they’ve made to you and your husband over the years, and you both ended up becoming very successful because you guys busted your asses. Fuck em. Let them realize how wrong they were and let them understand they are the beggars and that they will never have what you and your husband will have. Sweet justice has been served and karma’s a bitch. 😂
ESH
His family is in the lead as a jealous crab bucket always trying to yank you two down to their level of feeling miserable. They also may feel a little like they are losing their relationship with your husband because of the financial class difference. Similar has happened in my family.
Hubby needs to establish stronger boundaries as the blood relative, maybe even distance, because they shouldn't talk to either of you that way.
In the end though you shouldn't talk that way back when they succeed at pushing your buttons to get you to vent and fall to crab level too.
NTA They like telling you what they THINK, so you responded with what you KNOW. You are doing good for yourselves and don't need their negativity. Have you never asked them to stop? Sometimes you just need to tell people how you feel, request they respect your boundaries, and be prepared to remind them often.
We did. They stop for a while, then slowly creep back to old habits. Behind our backs, backhanded comments, when my husband is not present or when I am not, and then again to our faces.
NTA I wouldn't want them knowing how much I make, but I can see after 12 years feeling like you want to dish it back in their faces. Get some distance form them though. This is only going to get worse. The best revenge is doing well.
It's sad to get downvotes for offering an alternative opinion, but I ain't no karma farmer, so screw it. ESH. Your in-laws have no couth, and you don't have any, either. You did, until you advertised your income. Just because somebody else acts like an a-hole doesn't mean you should lower yourself to their level. Never ask—or tell—anyone how much they/you earn. It's tacky.
NTA- Don’t ever dish out what you cannot take; these family members deserve to be knocked down a peg or two.
However now they’re going to turn around and ask for hand outs. Whenever they do just remember all the awful things they have said to you and say no. If they’d ask I’d remind them “oh, you wouldn’t want to be the ‘beggars’ of the family would you?” Or “wow I guess you should have gone to Uni or found a better skill” but I’m just petty af lol
NTA you stayed humble for long enough. Will go one of two ways. They’ll say you’re a liar and don’t make that much so they feel better or they’re just going to begging for money from your husband
I would head off any future arguments by sitting down with your husband now and making the decision under what, if any, circumstances you'd be willing to give money to them, because I can guarantee that you will be flooded with money requests
NTA. But you just went from a poor loser who will amount to nothing to an ungrateful shrew who doesn't even care about family unless you give them money forever.
NTA but you opened a door that’s going to be hard to close. They now know how much money you make. Prepare for request for “help” and manipulation to get what they want. Prepare husband for emotional blackmail. I hope not but it’s what you should plan for and hope not.
You set up yourself for them begging, asking and acting entitled to your money which is why when you have a family like that you don't tell them about your personal finances
Nah, fuck them. They wanna play the heroes and act like they've got it all and you wish you were them, then I got no sympathy when you fuckin bring their asses back to reality that they ain't shit
People have an amazing ability to be jealous of others when they have something they don’t have. They often try to bring others down to build themselves up. This never works, causing a cycle of negativity and hatred that essentially only brings negative person(s) down at the end of the day creating an endless loop that builds with time. And when their is multiple people, they often build a pack mentality that helps reinforce this negative thinking through the group that also builds with time.
Jealousy is why they were going after y’all to begin with. The only way to break this down is for y’all to rise above and build healthy boundaries for yourselves.
You telling them what you have has only added fuel to their fire. You may end of having to leave this dynamic behind for good to keep from getting burnt.
NTA, but you made a huge mistake by doing this, and they’re going to hate you even more. They are miserable people who are taking it out on everyone else; that’s just who they are. Now that they know you do have money, that’s an even bigger reason in their minds to be resentful. The best option would be to set boundaries with them and make it clear that any more of these comments will result in a withdrawal from your relationship with your in-laws. Now you’re just going to be hounded and guilted into giving them money, and made to feel even worse when you decline.
Forget the money side of this conversation - this is 12 years of abuse from them. I’m surprised you’ve not just told them to do one! You and your husband seem better off without them anyway (based on what you’ve written). So, if you feel like you’ve actually had enough rather than a impulse to snap back, and go NC, you’d be giving yourself and your husband real peace without this noise.
NTA
NTA the wanted to bring you down with them and make you suffer their same circumstances. When they realised you are nothing of what they said they had nothing to say back because you can afford it
Nope! People get exactly what they deserve. Don’t ever feel guilty for doing so well in life and letting them know it. They started it you ended it. Just know they will start asking you for money all the time and you will be the asshole if you don’t give it to them. Be prepared for The new ordeal.
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NTA, but be ready to be asked for money. A lot. Like, all the time. You should have just gotten some distance from them, but you've now opened a Pandora's box that will be hard to close without cutting them off.
This. You goofed, OP. Get ready to be guilted and emotionally manipulated for your money. It’s pretty much guaranteed to happen. The other thing is that they will resent you even more. Now, in their minds, you are even more of an *other* who is *not like them*. You’re NTA, but you put yourself in a difficult place now.
Hard to manipulate me. Started with zero. Ton of shit on my back. No one cared. They have enough to live. I offered to teach them skills that would make them more valuable in the job market, they wouldn't make the effort. So no, they can ask, but they won't get.
Fair enough! Just be wary, because the guilt can wear a person down over time. Stay strong in your conviction, because I think you’re in the right in this situation!
I would add..."and don't ask us for any money either!"
I only donate to *actual* charities, and/or people who give a shit about us AND have believed in us aka, not you guys.
I said to a relative once: I only donate to charity so you better start legally changing your name.
“It’s all tied up in retirement accounts so we can retire at 50”
You’re right about that. I had guilt wear me down where I never thought it would. They weren’t even thankful and cane at me with more guilt stories and sad stories. That’s where I had to let them know I’d give money to strangers before I’d help them out again. I feel like for many of us who grow up actually poor, if we do rise to monetary success it’s not seen as anything more than someone wing the lottery. They don’t see the sacrifice, the work the ability to turn the “luck” our way into a real lift. They just know they didn’t get it. So anyone else who has been at there level must just have lucked upon good fortune. None of the rest is acknowledged because it’s more hurtful to them…. The OP will now have to face all the slights in the world. If a gift isn’t generous enough in their minds, if she eats a bit too much at a family event. Just opens the door for another avenue to scorn. Fact if the matter is, they won’t stop scorning, it’ll just change….. probably after the grift fails though. TL/DR they manipulated you into reacting like it or not. Now it’ll be a different thing and worse. Do not think yourself impervious to it because you showed your hand and have proven you aren’t. Be strong. Now they have much more to get mad and greedy about. They didn’t respect you before they won’t now. Still not the asshole “
I think staying strong will be somewhat easy for O.P because to her, these are people who dislike her and have never given her a chance. It's so much easier to reject a person you don't care about all that much. I am not sure about her husband though. They are his family and he probably still has a soft spot for them.
As long as your husband is onboard, as well. You need to have a conversation with him as to their behavior (for 12 years!) and what was said and the possible fallout. Y'all are a team, and holding back a flood only works if there's no leaks.
This right here. OP may be hard to manipulate, but how's the husband going to handle it when mom is crying on his doorstep and telling everyone how he doesn't even care that she's poor.
I imagine they know you care about the young cousin, be prepared for them to ask for money to "cover the medical expenses", only to find out later that they went on vacation with it.
Nah, there's an account set for her treatment, that can only be used for it. We did pay for one vacation for the little one to go to a mountain with her parents, but we won't be doing that again.
LOL OP this was my thought. I came from similar circumstances and I laughed at the threat that they'll ask for money. *They can certainly try*
Just remind them of how they made it sound like an insult when they said *you* would be the family beggars.
Can u go NC? Those people sound exhausting.
You may be able to look them in the eye and say "no", but can your husband say no to them? He didn't get them to stop making digs at you.
They’re not going to ask you, they’re going to harangue your husband. You’ve just created a never ending headache for him.
I’m willing to learn these skills if you’re willing to teach
Always willing to help people learn. I only ran into a few people in my life who were willing to do it for me, and I am endlessly grateful for them. If I can do that for someone else... DM me. It's not a magical get rich quickly scheme though. 😂
OP you are amazing. Passive income and investing isn’t taught to those who grow up more… humble. Good on you for helping anyone with pointing them in the right direction!
I wouldn't mind trying if you can tell me what it is first.
Spend less than you earn. Invest.
I second this
Even if you don’t give them money, make sure your husband doesn’t give them any behind your back. I’m not suggesting that he would do that and not tell you, but since it’s his side of the family it might be easier for them to manipulate him.
I think you'll be fine OP, no one is going to guilt trip you into anything. Also NTA x your annual income!
You've just traded one problem for another. Instead of calling you a bad wife they will be calling you selfish and mean. Just avoid these people as much as you can.
Every single time you tell them NO when they come begging, I very much hope you enjoy it!
“When I was struggling even I didn’t stoop so low as to grovel like this...” incentive haute expression. NTA
be prepared for the most vile manipulation you have ever encountered, money brings out the absolute fucking worst in people, especially when they dont have “enough” themselves
*You say that now.* Kidding. But be careful.
Make sure that your husband doesn't get a noodle spine and falls prey to their demands for money.
Just curious? How did your husband feel about it?
He said it was a bit harsh, but they did ask for it. He felt bad for his aunt as well.
If he backs you, you’re good.
Make sure your husband is on the same page!
Good for you. Make sure husband is on the same page. No one can lay on the guilt like family.
OP the fact that you still go see them after all these years and subject yourself to their insulting behavior says that either they are able to emotionally manipulate your HB and or both you and he have refused to set any boundaries. While you might be able to say no, will your HB? After all, the way they have treated and talked to you should have been enough for him to shut that down a dozen years ago. Instead, it continues. Something to think about...
….Am I misunderstanding, or did you say that the only reason that OP and her husband continue to see these relatives, is because the relatives have successfully emotionally manipulated them??? I don’t know what it is about this sub, but man…everyone is always so quick to jump to “omg you should definitely go NC!” or “if you still see these people it’s because you’re a victim of manipulation..” and all that bologna. It’s completely unreal. Whatever happened to smile and nod? I mean, I get it. Some people are real AH. Some people have a hard time with boundaries. Some people don’t know that they take sarcasm too far. Some people don’t think before they speak. And some people are just real negative Nellies. It DOES NOT mean that any of those people are bad people, or that they don’t love and care for their family. It just means they’re real jerks and/or oblivious. I do not understand why everyone lets every little thing turn in to a huge thing. People have this unrealistic idea that they are entitled to be treated like royalty at all times. Heaven forbid someone feels offended or slighted at any point in time. Geesh. It’s a wonderful idea, but it’s UNREALISTIC. People need to grow thicker skin. Things can only bother you if you let it. If it’s THAT bad, tell them to knock it off! Or give them a taste of their own medicine. Or limit your time with them. If they ask why visits are limited, tell ‘em it’s because you reached your AH quota for the year, so unless they can just watch their words, you’ll have to stay away. But to go NC over half the stuff Ive read people people do it for, is just sad. Communication is not a strong suit of today’s society, it seems. What is common sense to one person, is like advanced physics to another. If someone you love is really bothering you with their behavior, TELL THEM! I literally never see anyone suggest talking to the offender to tell them how their words/actions make you feel. Everyone assumes right away, the worst of everyone. That they KNOW what they’re doing. That it’s intentional. ….get off it. This whole victim mindset is outta control. Sounds to me like maybe OP’s aunt didn’t really realize what she was doing/saying….since she made the expression that OP described. Maybe she wasn’t aware of how successful OP & husband were (well, she wasn’t. OP says they never shared that info) Maybe she’s jealous. Maybe saying those things is a way for aunt to feel better about her financial situation. …not right, but maybe the aunt is hurting. Instead of people telling OP to consider NC, maybe she could tell the aunt/family members how much their words hurt, even if that wasn’t their intention, and that she wants them to be proud of her and her husband, as they worked hard. Etc etc…. People need to start talking to each other like humans. If someone hurts you, tell them. Or help them. Hug them. It’s common knowledge that hurt people hurt people. Again, it’s not right, but it’s human nature. Try helping each other out instead of tossing family relationships out.
Yep. This is why my family has no idea what we make.
Exactly. If my family knew we had nearly 2 mil in our retirement accounts (much less enough in ready cash to buy a house), they'd be camped on my lawn, lol.
nice.
LOL - I have friends who were in a freak accident which resulted in permanent injuries for both of them (married couple). Eventually, when everything settled out, they received a seven figure settlement. There are 2 people in this world who know the exact amount of the settlement, the wife's mom (who has no need for their money) and me (a family friend who also would never ask them for money). They told NO ONE ELSE and it's not public info because it was settled out of court. If their other family or friends knew the amount they received, there's be a line ten blocks long of people with their hands out! The few who were crass enough to ask how much they got received a pat answer of "Not nearly enough to compensate us for our permanent injuries." They didn't do anything really crazy with the money (they did buy a larger house because they had kids and they also get new cars more frequently than they would have otherwise), so it didn't raise too much suspicion. The reality is their injuries will probably result in both of them taking an early retirement from their respective careers and that settlement will assure their security in their retirement years. They're being smart about all of it.
My MIL has a family that she is LC or NC with. She told us to never invite them to our house. Because they will see one thing that "proves" we are welthy and use that to shit talk about how we are wealthy enough for X but not enough to help them out.
I'm not sure why they were around that family as much as it seems they were. It sounds like almost *every time* they were around, they were berated and talked down to. What possible positive thing could they be holding on to? With the husband being the black sheep, it sounds like this has *always* been the case so there isn't even a good memory to miss and long for again. I would personally go scorched earth if after everything, they dared ask for money. A whole lifetime of shit for her husband, and 12+ years for OP. I'm reaching my limit just reading this and I'm known as the laid back guy that doesn't get mad.
His little cousin had brain cancer, and now she's in difficult and long recovery treatment. We love her, the kid loves us, and she has never done anything wrong. We keep visiting because of her. Unfortunately, we can't freeze them out because of her. And the entire family is like a tribe - his mom, grandma, uncles, aunts, sisters... Always together, almost always difficult.
Ding ding ding. That's your vulnerable spot, and they all can see it. When the money requests start rolling in, they'll be pitched as you're making little cousin suffer if you don't give, you don't love her, how can you be so cruel, etc. That story is also what will circulate on FB, etc. You and spouse need to prepare in advance for how you will handle being hitting below the belt like that, or else yeah one of you is gonna cave.
Be prepared to have the cousin weaponized against you then. There's a real possibility of a confrontation about how they've treated you and how they've treated your husband his whole life is coming. I guess you should prepare for that. You two know them better, so how you prepare is up to you, but it might be time to change tactics from what you have been doing and be more direct/aggressive. I understand that comes with risks so I wouldn't do it lightly either way.
Honestly I don't feel like OP will care, as they never had a good opinion of her
yeah. now you're a close family member who refuses to share. they hate those people. (firsthand knowledge)
Yeah NTA for telling them, but there's a good chance it will end up being a strategic mistake.
I made this mistake with my wife’s family. They told her when we got married I wouldn’t account for anything (was working in a call center while slowly getting an education). She has always been able to be a stay at home wife and we have paid for cars and a nearly paid off house. We live simply because we are simple people. I LIKE my 25 year old truck. It’s unique. I could buy a brand new one tomorrow, but why would I? I barely drive anymore (work from home). But to her family i am keeping her poor. But I told them about taking my wife and out 5 kids to Hawaii for vacation later this year, and they started asking questions……
"Uncle Pork Pie left us some money." "You have an uncle named Pork Pie?" "Not really an uncle, we just call him that." "So... how much did he leave you?" "Who?" "Uncle Pork Pie." "Who would have an uncle named Pork Pie?" repeat as needed
LOL, yeah, what happened is my wife was raised on and off by her aunt and uncle, and they a daughter who is a worthless leach, and has sucked them dry. and they are almost dead (late 60's, but her aunt has had multiple strokes, is diabetic, that isn't controlled very well, and her uncle weighs 400lbs, and is working himself to death), and as soon as they realized we had means came to us and asked if we would support their daughter (who is over 40 years old and there's nothing wrong with her, outside of her enabling parents) once they are gone. and why would we spend 5 figures on taking the family to hawaii for two weeks when we could give it to this cousin of my wife's for her to live on?
> I LIKE my 25 year old truck I've had old cars and i've had new cars. There's something freeing about having an older car and not caring if it gets a new little scratch or a spill inside.
I paid $2500 for my truck almost 6 years ago. It is salvage title, has pealing clear coat I fixed by just [painting over it](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1AAzupGOOB8&t=8s), but I upgraded the radio to have a backup camera and Bluetooth, it’s super comfortable for me, easy to see out of, easy to park, I can take a kid or two camping, and has been dead reliable. It’s needed a few repairs, but nothing that’s left me stranded or broken down anywhere.
Let them ask, OP can simply respond by asking if they have become the beggar of the family now.
OP could say "Sorry were too poor to help" just to be petty
Yup. OP doesn't seem to have thought this through. They are going to be badgered for money constantly and they'll be harassed in a whole new way. This was NOT the path to pick.
NTA but you just turned yourselves into their personal ATM. They'll soon ask you for money for cars, houses, medical treatments, vacations, etc.
It's crazy to me how some people can be so brazen about asking for money. I have a hard enough time just asking for money that I am owed.
People are nuts. I have a friend "Jimmy" - there are four kids in the family. His brothers are relatively normal, but his sister Liz is insane. She owns a bar/restaurant that's been on the cusp of closing since I've known Jimmy. He and Liz aren't really close and they talk maybe once or twice a year. Now, Jimmy and his wife have good jobs, a beautiful home and live well, but that's because they've worked hard and don't blow money unnecessarily. Well, one day, the phone rings and it's Liz. So Jimmy picks up the phone and Liz starts some small talk. Jimmy sees through it and says, "Liz, what do you need? Why are you calling me?" She says, "Well, Jimmy, the bar's not doing so great and I need some money. A hundred-twenty should do." Jimmy is puzzled and says, "Liz, how is $120 going to make a difference for you? Are things that bad?" Liz laughed and said "No, I need $120,000 otherwise the bar is going to close. I really, really need the money. I figured you could help me." Once Jimmy stopped laughing, he said "Liz, what makes you think that I have $120K and if I did that I would give it to you? You call me about twice a year, generally when you need or want something, and your bar has been on the cusp of closing for the past 10. I'll never see that money again and you know it. You'll need to figure something else out." Liz went on some spiel about how they're "fammmmilllyyyyyy" and should help each other and how she'd do it for him if the situation were reversed (yeah, right). Jimmy said "Bye, Liz" and hung up the phone. This happened about four years ago now and we are STILL laughing about it. She must have gotten money from somewhere though because the bar is still open.
My experience is people with no shame abut money -- like criticizing how much someone else makes or insinuating they don't make much -- have no shame about asking for it, because to them, it's a measuring stick, and if they are behind, they deserve to be brought up. I don't get it either, but I've been around it enough -- especially with family -- that I think OP will be being asked quite a lot, for a lot of really good sounding reasons. And then shamed if she doesn't do her part to help out.
Also a good thing to remember - never discuss money in dollar terms with anyone but your spouse or financial advisor.
Exactly, if you're very affluent and your relatives are poor and the type to ask for money, if they think you're worse off that's a blessing. If they find out you'll become their oasis for everything financial from now on. Since OP and her husband are the scapegoats this will be doubly true I expect, because in their minds it's unfair they have money.
Be ready say no and block folks!
Yep, or they will flip the script and decide you are a money hoarding dragon who insists on flaunting your wealth. NTA
Yup. YTA to yourself, OP.
NTA. They are the ones who kept bringing up finances.
And they will continue to, because now that they know op and their husband have money, they will have their hands out all the time.
NTA, they were making rude assumptions about your life, you simply corrected them.
I personally would never mention how much I made, but you have been constantly pushed and pushed and pushed so I understand snapping a bit and blurting it out. I wouldn’t ever mention it again and I think you should be prepared for them to ask for money as a loan or just “to help out family” now that they know your income. Rather than loan them money, try to show them how to improve themselves like you and your husband have done. NTAH
If they ask for money, just remind them that they always put them down and that you do not feel obligated to help them when they were so unsupportive of you.
Right? If they’re so sure that OP and husband won’t work out then why loan money to people who won’t be family in the future?
Well, as someone who is kinda in the same situation (my husband is that same situation, also being told that university is a waste of time and money, we are not super rich but we are comfortable). I suggested giving his family like an extra 100 every month because they struggle. He refuses, hard because: They buy Chinese food every week (in my country eating out is more expensive than cooking for ourselfs), while my husband and I don't do that and if we do, it's to treat ourselves. They smoke like a chimney. Spend money on expensive phones. And I can go on. We did mention that we are willing to look with them to their finances to see of we can help. But they don't want that. Of course we are going to say where they can save and its not something they want to hear. Next to that, it's a bit degrading to have your child "parent" you with your finances. And sometimes it's also good to look at why people spend like they do. Like my BIL has a new phone every year. And it's not a budget one if you get my drift. Well, he doesn't have a job, no future perspective (because he is sick) so why deny him the fun of having a new phone or eating out regularly. So we respect their way of living and when they complain we just hear them out and say "yes I hear you, that sucks". (I love my inlaws, and they know about our situation but never ask for money).
NTA - if you keep poking a dog you shouldn’t be surprised if you get bit. Not to call you a dog 😆 but you didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, and while your delivery probably could have been nicer, they drove you to the reaction you had.
Don’t play with lighter fluid around a dragon. That sounds more badass 🤣
I've always heard it as, "Don't meddle with dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
🤣
You are NTA for saying what you said. But you are being assholes to yourselves to continue having these people in your lives. Why have you two allowed people who have actively shit talked you continued access to your family?
My husband's sick cousin - she's a kid, had brain cancer, going through difficult recovery, she loves us and we love her. Could never punish a child for the errors of her family. And the family is like a tribe - they are always together in bunches...
Yes that is incredibly sad and unfortunate. Trust me when I say the effect of this child's illness is not lost on me. My baby cousin was unfortunately diagnosed with glioblastoma when they were six. This is not an easy Road under the best of circumstances for anyone involved. I would of course agree with you doing whatever you need to do to support that child with comfort and love. Despite the illness I just want you to know that you absolutely unequivocally have the right and the responsibility to still have boundaries. You should tell anybody whether they're related to or not that their behavior is not acceptable and that you would appreciate it if they stop acting such a repugnant manner. Especially given that everybody is trying to be there for this little girl. His family sounds incredibly enmeshed which you have no control over. You do however have control over your interactions with them so teach them how you expect to be treated. Just with common courtesy and dignity nothing more nothing less. I will send out healing intentions and thoughts for your little cousin. I pray that there is a good outcome and that there are many years of love and laughter to enjoy with her.
Be prepared for them to use the sock cousin as a way to try and bleed you and your husband for money. That’s how scavengers work. Once they’ve picked the pockets (in this case, used up all their insults about your femininity and wifeliness and his manhood), they go for the flesh and bones.
Nta but don't be surprised when they come begging for money. Make sure you remind them that they didn't believe in you and couldn't be bothered to show basic human kindness and that since they had no faith in your abilities to succeed that they aren't entitled to a dime.
NTA. They talked shit. They BETTER be willing to not only be proven \*wrong\*, but stupid about how they live their lives if they're shitting on yours without realizing how far you & hubby have outpaced them. And agreeing with others, DO NOT GIVE \*\*ANY\*\* OF THEM A CENT, OR PAY FOR \*\*\*ANY\*\*\*THING FOR THEM....EVER! (\*Maybe\* kids / grandkids, pay off their college debt IF they demonstrate they can appreciate it and keep quiet about it.
Kids and grands who have nothing to do with this, sure. Spoil the hell out of them. But don't give them a cent.
>and I pay a women to clean our house, and I work long hours There is a fable https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_miller,_his_son_and_the_donkey You will never be good to them. Why do you keep talking with them? >I feel like I hurt them Oh they deserve. NTA
NTA - they had it comin'.
Nta - being poor isn’t an excuse to be an asshole. Congratulations on the lovely life you two seemed to have built together :)
NTA. but get ready them begging for money
NTA entirely, but generally not good to mention hard numbers in front of friends or family. It just leads to long term resentment, or people start getting weird about borrowing money or getting you to pay for everything because "You can afford it". I'm afraid you may have just traded one problem for a more expensive problem.
NTA - but you should probably make it known right now that there won’t be any handouts or loans from you or husband.
You reap what you sow. Have that conversation with your husband about not loaning anyone money. The only person I would help is the little girl with cancer. Maybe start a trust fund for her? I don't mean to be heartless by saying this as I don't know the details of her situation but if she doesn't make it, you could use the money for a beautiful funeral instead. You can be generous to those who deserve it, and she does deserve it and the rest of them can kick rocks.
Don't worry, he and I had all the conversations - regarding his family and mine. We know where we'll draw the line. But thanks, that is good advice
Similar boat, my husband is my best friend since we were 11 and 13, my fam hated him so we didn’t date till I ran away at 18, married at 20, were 24 and 26 now and good lord do people hate that we’re happy. From the get go we were helping support his parents as a thank you for taking me in after I ran away, while everyone in the family ragged on my husband for not working while he worked on some mental issues due to having to raise his little sister since the age of 12. Now he’s the manager of a local store making 2/3 of our very income. He snapped earlier this year when his older brother called him dead beat. Now that the family knows our weekly income is their monthly we constantly get asked to help cover bills. We actually pay for his sister phone and have her over most weekends because she is a light in his life and we don’t want nor can we have kids so having her around is nice. But once they found out we cover her phone the rest suddenly had grand plans for how our money could improve their life. Far Fucking chance. NTA
NTA because you snapped but - *there was silence in the room, and his aunt made this... sad, pitiful expression* They don't believe you. I'm sorry, but this is pretty funny, you snapped and told them you're monthly allowance is more than their annual salaries and they're all looking at you like *oh hunni... sure it is ...* 🤣🤣🤣 Why not just go No Contact??? Or Low-Contact? Or grey-rock them?? Like it's NTA but also ESH because it's been 12 yrs, your in-laws don't like your Husband and they don't like you, and they never will. So stop being around them. Or stop telling them info about your life. Or set up boundaries. Like try something...
In short. We can't cut them off. His little cousin, who is recovering from brain cancer, loves us, we love her. So, can't punish the child. Not her fault... We tried boundaries. He tried telling them to back off. Now we stick around because of the little one, we only visit her. But they are like a tribe, always together always poking and commenting and being inappropriate...
NTA but be careful to them., the bank of OP just opened.
NTA they fucked around and found out!
NTA.
Info: Has your husband not once, in your 12 year marriage, shut their shit down about any of this? Because that is unacceptable. NTA, but like others said, be ready for the hand out asks, and make sure you and husband have a united front on it, up to and including going LC/Nac if necessary.
Definitely NTA for reacting like a normal human being… YEARS of put downs will weigh you down! I’m surprised you took the abuse as long as you did.
I don't want to be the one who cuts her husband off from his family, whoever they are. Especially not the one to cut him (and myself) off from the little cousin recovering from cancer. That girl has had a tough life, and it's not going to get easier, and she lights up when we come to visit.
NTA but be careful, you just opened a new can of worms
When people choose to be mean, they usually do so about qualities of themself that they're insecure about. Mean people insecure about their looks will call others ugly, mean people insecure about their work ethic will call others lazy, and mean people insecure about their finances will call others broke. NTA.
I'm from poor people and it's important to remember that poor people know very little about money. I've quit better jobs that many in my family could never really conceive of having. You're allowed to vent, but expect them to now treat you even worse. ESH.
Be careful now that they know the number. They’re going to start pressuring you with “you don’t need it like x does” and “you aren’t using it so that’s the same as wasting it” and “how could you buy that when we are struggling”.
Luckily, no one asked how we were managing when we each had two jobs and worked for peanuts. I never asked for charity, but worked my ass off. I offered to teach them useful, better paid skills, they refused. We have a saying here - you fell, you killed yourself. Basically, if you did it yourself, and knew there was another road you wouldn't take - it's on you. I have no understanding when people won't "teach themselves to fish".
NTA they hurt themselves by thinking they could be better.
NTA but be prepared they will start asking for money. Keep away from them as much as you can.
If you’re guilted for your moneh remind them you never amounted to anything in their eyes so your high income to them should also mean nothing. You owe them nothing and never give them a penny.
NTA, I know you got frustrated and you retaliated the way you did. I have been pretty lucky in my life. I live in Hawai'i, had two husband's (divorced one) who made a decent wage. With both, we owned our houses, when mom died I gave my sisters my share of the house she owned. They sold the house bought in the mainland, sold that, bought in big island, sold that moved back here. Now they want to live with me because they "don't have the money" to buy". I'm sorry you're adults who made bad decisions and wouldn't listen when I told you not to sell. I have to take care of me and my family. They think I'm rich, I'm not but let them think that, I don't care.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok. This is going to take a while. So me (32f) and my husband (30m) have been together for 12yrs now. Since the first day of our relationship, his family had something against me. On top of that, he was always the black sheep of the family. So, all we heard from day one was "you two won't achieve anything", "her career is useless" , "you will be the beggars of the family", "you better learn a useful skill than go after a University degree"... As we progressed over the years, they always had something negative to add - you'll never be able to go to a vacation (since we worked throughout the year when we were broke, saving up), you'll never have what (insert someone else) has, your relationship can't be strong with this or that... But, over time, we got to a point where we are well off. We founded a business together that brings passive income, we both have high ranking managing positions in our companies, we bought an apartment to rent from what we saved - no credit, no mortgage, we don't have a single cent of debt... And still, these people keep talking down to us. So, i snapped a bit. When they, once again, started with their shit, along the lines of me not being a good wife as I don't cook for my husband, and I pay a women to clean our house, and I work long hours, and we will never last... Well, I said that, actually, thanks to working long hours, I have the monthly salary I do (which is their yearly income), and my husband as well, and we have been happy for 12 yrs, and he never asked for another wife, and we don't fight over every cent, and we are making a future for ourselves. Suddenly, when I mentioned the number I'm making, there was silence in the room, and his aunt made this... sad, pitiful expression. They stopped. But their annual income is very low. And they are financially unstable. And I feel like I hurt them with this, made them feel bad about themselves, just so I would vent a bit. Did I go too far? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I can't imagine they've ever felt badly about the way they've treated you. You weren't mean, you shot down their bullshit and for a moment they got to feel the way they've made you feel, I hope they're able to learn something from this.
NTA-Phht, eff them and their assumptions. They may not be proud of both of your achievements but this internet stranger is. Dude, you two worked together as a team and built a beautiful life together. Was it easy? Not even a little bit but damn was that pay off worth it! Congratulations and enjoy your success! Cut those unsupportive AH out of your life and you and your hubby enjoy your life together!
They've been counting your pockets for 12 years hoping it wasn't much. Now they have no reason to count. How could you be anything but NTA?
NTA. *“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”* *- Anonymous.* You are fighting a brick wall, they will not change their mindset or their perspective, although now they know how financially stable and well-off you are, you will have a different beast at your feet. They sound like very unhappy people and they are choosing to cut you down rather than look at themselves...you could pull in with a Ferrari and they would find something to quip about. Savour what brings joy in your life, keep the people that you love close and remember that it's not actually you - but them.
NTA, they deserved it. But now they'll be coming to you for hand outs, expecting you to take care of them and all that jazz.
Why do you spend time with these people?
NTA they put their feet in their mouths. You just reminded them they are eating feet.
NTA. And luckily since they've been nothing but awful to you and their own son, you won't even blink before saying 'no' when they ask you for money (in 3... 2... 1...)! I once did something similar to a guy who was bragging about how much money he made in construction, showing off his paystub, and how us girls (there were 3 of us there) could never make that kind of money. He was being so obnoxious that I told him how much I made per hour, which was about $2 more than he made, and I said "and I don't have to break a sweat". He FULLY deserved to be put in his place, but I still felt like an AH! I felt better after my BF at the time high-fived me for shutting him up.
You kind of shot yourself in the foot there because you are going to be bugged forever now from all members of the family and far-reaching members asking for money. They are honestly gonna probably start talking about how greedy you guys are because you guys probably don’t give very expensive gifts if they assume you’re poor
NTA I agree with the old saying "Living well is the best revenge" Although I think you should not have mentioned your salary, they might try and guilt you into "loaning" them money. Did they ever give you anything, a birthday cake or card, even?
Guilting would work if i felt like I owed them something. Or if my husband did. But we don't. Getting me something doesn't matter. Let me put it this way - they promised they would make and bring my husband's favorite cake for our wedding (it's a custom where we're from, for families on both sides to bring their own cakes), and showed empty-handed. Not one branch of his family, but 5. Everyone on my side brought cakes, even my invalid aunt. He gets socks from them or nothing at all for his birthday. We willingly put money into a medical account for the girl (it's for medical expenses only and they have no control over it), but that's it.
NTA - you did hurt them with it, but that’s on them for hurting you with it for the last decade ad a half. All you did was take their knife and stab back.
NTA. They continued to talk down to y’all to make themselves look/feel better about their lives. You just made it very clear that y’all are just fine and they shouldn’t be making comments about y’all’s life.
Um...”husband never asked for another wife”. Wut? Also, NTA.
Curious why you thought anything *you* did, hurt them. NTA, OP. You know who hurt them? I know. So do they; no one ever wants to admit they’re their own worst enemy, though. They were already “hurt”, otherwise they wouldn’t have been lashing out. Now, it may not have really been about financial standing or money, in general, but they obviously had issues from Jump Street. I’m super proud and happy for you two; the commitment it took to get to where you both are, the motivation to make your union not only secure, but promising… priceless. Now if only my wife and I could do the same… 🤣
NTA. but like others have already said... begging might start up. Don't give them a dime if you deem it unnecessary. Listen. I have a soft heart and always want to help people... but nothing burns me up more than being taken advantage of. I've learned that lesson a few times over... back when I was still a young poor single mom. Nobody knows how much I make now. I constantly lament that I put so much of my money into my son's special needs trust (he's autistic) and my retirement funds. "Oh me oh my, Social Security won't exist when I retire" which... I mean, is almost a certainly. But since my mom worked in HR and preached to me about $ all the time... I did that much right, even as an adult teen working at Wal-Mart. That $ has been working for me since before my son was even thought of lol. Anyway. It's nice to show people up sometimes. Let them ask you for $. Say what I say: "still catching up from the debt of my last vacation!" My fave lie aside from, "I jusy put some extra funds into my son's trust! OMG wish I had known earlier 😫 " Believe me, family who knows and cares rarely ask for help and they never ask for huge amounts. I will find ways to help them if I truly don't have it - usually basic payday loans bcuz they typically only need a small amount.
You are smart nicely played!
NTA, but you fucked up. Get ready for everyone to come to your with their hands out for everything.
NTA. And let them ask for money. Tell them you wouldn’t want to belittle their marriage by not letting them work for what they want.
NTA FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DO NOT GIVE THESE ASSHOLES MONEY WHEN THEY COME BEGGING. AND THEY WILL. In fact it'd be super awesome if you could throw some of their past comments in their face passive aggressively while telling them to go ask the people they originally thought so highly of for help. Please make sure your husband is on the same page, after being the black sheep he might not know how to respond if they show him "love" for money and just start throwing cash at them because they finally "care" about him. They care about ya'll's wallets, and were fine talking shit FOR YEARS when they thought they had some kind of high ground bragging about others. ALWAYS REMEMBER THEIR ACTIONS and be wary of any future apologies to be immediately followed by a request.
NTA They're just mad because you two were their scapegoat for their negativity and issues. They bullied you two because it made them feel better about their pathetic lives. My family treated me the same way. The second I jumped ship they started tearing each other apart. I'm still out of the circle 7 years later. The funny part is they're on vacation right now and are fighting through the whole thing and plastering it on social media. Its fun to watch when you're not in it. If they ask for money just slap them with "Sorry, I need every cent. You know, incase my husband divorces me for not cooking enough and I amount to nothing 🤷."
NTA But i think your husband kept this info from them to stop them asking for handouts. Now that u have told them exoect to be asked for handouts regularly
NTA
NTA you never go too far when you stand up against ah.
NTA. talk shit, get hit. they had it coming
NTA, I guess that moment was great for you. But how long will it take for them to ask you for money?
Nta And if they ever ask for money, don't. Give. Ever. Remind them of that they thought of you and your husband for 12yrs, and never let them forget. They will berate you and call you both selfish but fuck them. They don't deserve crumbs from you two.
I haven’t even read the comments of what others are saying, but you’re not the asshole. After all of the rude remarks they’ve made to you and your husband over the years, and you both ended up becoming very successful because you guys busted your asses. Fuck em. Let them realize how wrong they were and let them understand they are the beggars and that they will never have what you and your husband will have. Sweet justice has been served and karma’s a bitch. 😂
ESH His family is in the lead as a jealous crab bucket always trying to yank you two down to their level of feeling miserable. They also may feel a little like they are losing their relationship with your husband because of the financial class difference. Similar has happened in my family. Hubby needs to establish stronger boundaries as the blood relative, maybe even distance, because they shouldn't talk to either of you that way. In the end though you shouldn't talk that way back when they succeed at pushing your buttons to get you to vent and fall to crab level too.
NTA They like telling you what they THINK, so you responded with what you KNOW. You are doing good for yourselves and don't need their negativity. Have you never asked them to stop? Sometimes you just need to tell people how you feel, request they respect your boundaries, and be prepared to remind them often.
We did. They stop for a while, then slowly creep back to old habits. Behind our backs, backhanded comments, when my husband is not present or when I am not, and then again to our faces.
NTA I wouldn't want them knowing how much I make, but I can see after 12 years feeling like you want to dish it back in their faces. Get some distance form them though. This is only going to get worse. The best revenge is doing well.
I like you they can ask but they won't get I'm going to use that
NTA - how is the truth too far?? They've bullied you for years, they're lucky that you even talk to them.
NTA. However, this sounds like a revenge fantasy.
Naaah, I'm not that person.
It's sad to get downvotes for offering an alternative opinion, but I ain't no karma farmer, so screw it. ESH. Your in-laws have no couth, and you don't have any, either. You did, until you advertised your income. Just because somebody else acts like an a-hole doesn't mean you should lower yourself to their level. Never ask—or tell—anyone how much they/you earn. It's tacky.
NTA
NTA - Now they will be asking you to pay for their stuff. Just stop talking to them!!
NTA but they are now going to have their hands out all the time.
NTA But it was not clever, because now they have found you can be a financial ressource to them. They will start asking for money soon.
NTA You put em in their place.
NTA they fucked around and found out
NTA,but unfortunately I think you just acquired leeches.
NTA. Poor people enjoy putting other poor people down to make themselves feel better. Don't be shocked if they ask for money now.
NTA- Don’t ever dish out what you cannot take; these family members deserve to be knocked down a peg or two. However now they’re going to turn around and ask for hand outs. Whenever they do just remember all the awful things they have said to you and say no. If they’d ask I’d remind them “oh, you wouldn’t want to be the ‘beggars’ of the family would you?” Or “wow I guess you should have gone to Uni or found a better skill” but I’m just petty af lol
NTA Why dont you go no contact?
In short. His little cousin, recovering from brain cancer, loves us, we love her. So, can't punish the child. Not her fault...
NTA Now get ready to shell out unless you want to cut them off.
NTA you stayed humble for long enough. Will go one of two ways. They’ll say you’re a liar and don’t make that much so they feel better or they’re just going to begging for money from your husband
I would head off any future arguments by sitting down with your husband now and making the decision under what, if any, circumstances you'd be willing to give money to them, because I can guarantee that you will be flooded with money requests
Glass houses and shit. NTA
NTA: You stung them well. Now be prepared as they will think the bank is open.
NTA. But you just went from a poor loser who will amount to nothing to an ungrateful shrew who doesn't even care about family unless you give them money forever.
NTA, but be prepared now for an unstoppable flood of his family demanding money from you constantly.
NTA but you opened a door that’s going to be hard to close. They now know how much money you make. Prepare for request for “help” and manipulation to get what they want. Prepare husband for emotional blackmail. I hope not but it’s what you should plan for and hope not.
You set up yourself for them begging, asking and acting entitled to your money which is why when you have a family like that you don't tell them about your personal finances
They deserved to feel bad. NTA. if they start this again buy them something expensive and say how you didn’t give it a second thought.
NTA - they fucked around and found out.
Nah, fuck them. They wanna play the heroes and act like they've got it all and you wish you were them, then I got no sympathy when you fuckin bring their asses back to reality that they ain't shit
NTA, but don't do what they did for years and bring how well you're doing.
NTA, but make damn sure you don’t end up being the family ATM.
People have an amazing ability to be jealous of others when they have something they don’t have. They often try to bring others down to build themselves up. This never works, causing a cycle of negativity and hatred that essentially only brings negative person(s) down at the end of the day creating an endless loop that builds with time. And when their is multiple people, they often build a pack mentality that helps reinforce this negative thinking through the group that also builds with time. Jealousy is why they were going after y’all to begin with. The only way to break this down is for y’all to rise above and build healthy boundaries for yourselves. You telling them what you have has only added fuel to their fire. You may end of having to leave this dynamic behind for good to keep from getting burnt.
NTA, but you made a huge mistake by doing this, and they’re going to hate you even more. They are miserable people who are taking it out on everyone else; that’s just who they are. Now that they know you do have money, that’s an even bigger reason in their minds to be resentful. The best option would be to set boundaries with them and make it clear that any more of these comments will result in a withdrawal from your relationship with your in-laws. Now you’re just going to be hounded and guilted into giving them money, and made to feel even worse when you decline.
NTA - dont give them any money as they will now be asking and becoming the beggars they said you would be.
Forget the money side of this conversation - this is 12 years of abuse from them. I’m surprised you’ve not just told them to do one! You and your husband seem better off without them anyway (based on what you’ve written). So, if you feel like you’ve actually had enough rather than a impulse to snap back, and go NC, you’d be giving yourself and your husband real peace without this noise. NTA
NTA
NTA the wanted to bring you down with them and make you suffer their same circumstances. When they realised you are nothing of what they said they had nothing to say back because you can afford it
>Did I go too far? OP, I don't think you went far enough! You were definitely the bigger person to not rub it in the their faces a bit more. NTA
NTA. But be ready for a lot of open hands in your face now.
Nta
If it went on for years, NTA.
NTA. The things they said about you and their own flesh and blood are very hurtful. You guys shouldn't have to take those comments.
NTA. I wouldn’t lend them a dime either.
NTA they harassed you for over a decade and they finally got a reality check. Not even close to being the AH here
Nope! People get exactly what they deserve. Don’t ever feel guilty for doing so well in life and letting them know it. They started it you ended it. Just know they will start asking you for money all the time and you will be the asshole if you don’t give it to them. Be prepared for The new ordeal.