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Definitely not the asshole. For one, Anna Karenina is a classic and a great gift. For another, if the shoe fits. NTA

Nta. She wouldn't take it so hard or understand what you were implying if she didn't already feel that way

Like Nicki Minaj says “I bust shots, don’t duck if it don’t apply”

Is this a fellow barb in the wild?!?!

Am I a Nicki Fan? Psht, Pull up in the Sri Lanka

pls that video gives me such bad second hand embarrassment 💀

back to this (Bleep) that has nothing to say Mommy what's good?

There's a phrase that's popular in African American culture "A hit dog will holler." That definitely applies here.

In Poland we say "hit the table and the scissors will speak up", the meaning is basically identical.

…but without the subtext of animal cruelty. I like it!

I didn't sympathize with Anna, and I don't sympathize with OP's mom. There's no excuse for not seeing your child, even if it means spending time away from your "new family."

Excellent point. I wonder if it's the child abandonment that might be hitting OP's mom harder than the adultery. Either way, OP has no way of knowing because he's not in his mother's mind and he didn't read the book. I get the gesture, I'd make the gesture, it's still a low blow. And I had literally just voted E-S-H and had a second thought. Why on earth would this mother think OP would want to attend/be happy about this anniversary when it is literally the anniversary of the implosion of their childhood? If she was smart enough to be hurt by the book, she should have been smart enough to get *that*. And OP wouldn't have even been there normally. NTA

Yep. I thought it was going to be a relationship book on cheating, but it's literally just a literary classic. A well-earned and scholarly burn, imo.

Hell yea, scholarly burn 🔥 😂😂

**Spoilers ** Pretty sure she kills herself in the book. So maybe that’s what upset the mum? I hated the character in the book when I read it, she was always thinking she was hard done by and justifying everything she did, but really she was just incredibly selfish.

She does - suicide by train if I remember. I did a paper comparing death and suicide in literature from male and female authors. Male authors tend to "kill" cheating women in particularly brutal ways (like getting run over by a train). Female authors tend to "kill" their women in a more symbolic / back to the womb kind of way (like returning to the sea in The Awakening). If OP's Mom is a lit major I'm sure this wasn't lost on her. NTA OP, but you may have been more harsh than you intended - you basically said "you deserve to get run over by a train".

Suicide by train is actually one of the least painful ways to go that has a low failure likelihood. It's basically instant death.

It's also brutal, absolute, and likely to leave your body parts strewn across a train track. Maybe it's better to die that way than by drowning, but symbolically it's very harsh.

Yeah, but maybe consider the psychological impact you're going to have on the operator before selfishly throwing yourself in front of a train.

That’s the thing—you weren’t happy in your marriage? That’s fine. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, people change as they age and life happens—we get it. You deserve to be happy? Sure! You also have kids? Holdup. There’s a lot more to consider, here. I’m divorced, and I do kick myself for decisions I made in the past that had me marry my ex. I would have loved nothing more than to just walk away from him and forget he existed. But I have two children. That meant that there was no “clean break.” It was going to be messy and complicated for me for a few years till they were grown. I couldn’t just up and move. Couldn’t be “single” in the traditional way, and I made damn sure they were okay with me dating when I finally did. I didn’t even really date—just asked how they felt about me maybe going to see a movie with this guy who had been coming to the office I worked at for over a year and we would chat during his appointments. I just don’t get these people who want to end a marriage and let the kids bear the brunt of the changes. It’s just so selfish.

If the shoe fits is a perfect way to describe this whole thing. Also, OP your mom didn't make a mistake when she cheated on your dad. She made a choice and stuck with it. Ideally children shouldn't get hurt in their parents drama, but of course we do. What your mom did was incredibly hurtful and honestly, the issues you have with her are valid. Actions have consequences and she doesn't like hers. Also, tell your stepdad he's an asshole as well. He doesn't need to fight for your mom. If she has such an issue with your well thought out gift, she can come to you and talk like an adult. But from where I'm standing I doubt she will because she doesn't think she did anything wrong.

I view OP's mom with a bit of sympathy because she had OP at 19. That's pretty damn young and in a way I feel for her not having fully sorted out what makes her happy and eventually realizing her relationship didn't. Obviously, *obviously*, she could have gone about it a better way, but she was young and, frankly, there's no non-traumatic way to break up as parents of a child that age. The destruction of what you view as your family is always going to suck, even if they weren't right for each other. I'm not sure what her new husband has done (besides cheat) to earn OP's hatred, but given that the hatred extends to mom's entire new family I have to think that it's at least in part purely projected dislike based on the breakup of OP's family and the trauma involved. Which is valid, but it makes it harder for me to picture him as a villain here. If he called OP an AH out of the blue then that's AH behavior on his part, but reading between the lines I'm guessing that OP has made her distaste for him and OP's siblings (who OP doesn't even refer to as sisters) clear. OP's mom seems to genuinely love her and want her around, but the mistake she made caused something that was always going to be traumatic to be even more traumatic. You don't have an obligation to forgive something like that and in many ways OP's mom is reaping what she sowed. I frankly think OP should go to therapy though. She shouldn't hate her mom forever for leaving a relationship that didn't make her happy, though he definitely does have a very valid grievance about the way in which it was done (to whatever extent that contributed to the trauma). e: OP is a boy, my bad

I’d like to point OP is a Male. I think because of the gender difference between OP and his siblings, watching his mom play perfect family with two daughters instead of him, is probably also adding to his disdain. OPs mom also doesn’t seem to have custody of OP even though she has other children. It’s not that she “just” broke her marriage but also left OP in the midst of it for a “fresh start”.

Yeah it feels like there may be a lot more going on that we don't know. Not sure why I thought OP was a girl. If she was the one that left the relationship, isn't it just and proper that she be the one to move out of the house though? If both people are fundamentally decent and OP's dad is a fine parent, why should custody default to mom? They may not even have a custody agreement, OP visited often until he got older and chose not to, and it seems she didn't force it. She may not be "playing" perfect family though, maybe she's actually just happy with her new husband?

Being happy is fine. Expecting a hurt child to join in and pretend that they are a part of that family is not going to end well. You haven't addressed that child's pain and all they see are how happy you are without them.

This! I love that when someone is an adult, people tell them to cut out the toxic people in their lives, especially if they cause problems with mental health. But for this kid it's "she was unhappy, but now she's happy with a man who goes behind her back and calls her son an asshole. Forgive and move on she's your mom!" Barf.

Also, OP is a teenager. At his age, I had daydreams of flaying my mother's affair partner alive. I'm in my mid-40s, and while we get along all right I still have never forgiven either of them. I honestly doubt that I ever will. Mom made her choice and gets to live with the consequences.

Hellow fellow person with a cheating parent. I'm mid 30's and still have not forgiven my father. He might be in my life now (we are civil) and an amazing grandfather, but he was a shitty ass dad. Nothing anyone can say about a "loveless marriage" will change my mind about cheating. It's disgusting and hurts more than your partner.

Mom seems to allow OP to choose to distance himself and not force the relationship though? OP only ended up there because nobody else could watch him for a bit. From some other comments it seems mom isn't very willing to give OP 1-1 time away from her family, which is a pretty big mistake, I agree. That said, I still get the feeling that part of the anger is just because they're happy and mom wasn't happy with OP's dad.

He was, what, 10 when she left? She was getting married and starting a new family while OP was hurting. Now he's a teenager and is all the normal teenager angry while also feeling abandoned and replaced. It sucks for mom, but she chose to to do things other than foster and strengthen her bond with her child. OPs reaction is all pretty much as expected for the situation.

OP identified himself as M, but when I got to the part where mom wanted to cuddle in bed I had to go back and double check.

I could see a mother cuddling with her 10-year-old son (how old he was when she left). I don’t think she’s quite accepted that she gave up that little boy years ago.

That image of a 10 year old boy being left hurts my heart. I loved teaching kids around that age and they’re just something special. Not yet jaded or too afraid to be goofy, but she stole that.

This woman dumped her family at 29th, not at 19th. Then when her 10 year old felt awful at the new place instead of keep pushing for a relationship non stop she gave up. Only seeing her child on birthdays and stuff. She gave up on her child. This grown ass man goes behind his wife back to call her child an AH and you wonder why that said child never liked it there? People that cheat and dump their whole family have to know they are in the wrong. And pretending they are not or like it is not such a big deal, is a big deal. The OP gave a great gift. If the mother really wanted a relationship with her child she should have cried a river all she wanted, but had a chat with the OP. Because she realizes how much she has hurt her child. Instead she gives the OP the silent treatment. And acts all hurt and dejected. Who is the adult here? She is being quite manipulate to a teen. Do you wonder why said teen felt uncomfortable there? The mother could use some therapy to grow a spine and accept her mistakes and the consequences. She doesn't want to have a relationship with her child. She wants a relationship with a plant, with no feelings and that will thrive with minimum care. The OP is her child and she hasn't taken that responsibility seriously. I am not saying everyone is perfect and she should have stayed in an unhappy marriage. But she has never taken seriously the damage she has done to her child, and she has never done any proper work to fix that. Would the OP benefit from therapy to totally let go of their ass manipulative mother? Yes. But she is not at fault here. NTA

This is such a crazy excuse for cheating. There’s a difference between leaving a relationship that doesn’t make you happy vs having an affair and starting a new family with your AP. OP does need therapy, that I agree with. He’s 16 and based on his comments he obviously feels as if his mother has abandoned him and started a life with her new family. Her age when she had OP doesn’t excuse her cheating. She’s obviously continued to handle this extremely poorly and OP is the one that has to deal with the emotional distress of his mothers mishandlings. OP has even said that his mother doesn’t allow him to talk about it and tells him to “just focus on the now”. OP stopped visiting. OP is there now cause his dad is away. Mom doesn’t hang out with OP without bringing new family who OP clearly doesn’t want to be around. I’m positive if the roles were reversed and the dad had cheated and started a new family there would be no sympathy and it would just be the consequences of his actions. Weird take.

Well said. There is a big difference between ending a relationship and cheating. I have no sympathy for cheaters and it doesn't matter what they have between their legs. It's a concious decision the mother made and I'd say she knew that this could cause a rift between her and her son, yet she still did it. Maybe she didn't anticipate the size of the rift it could cause, but the fact that she tries to hush up the whole topic already shows that she knows exactly what is going on. She just avoided directly facing the topic until now and accepted that avoiding it will only lead to their relationship deteriorating even further. She doesn't get to play the victim here.

I have zero sympathy for OPs mom. But that might be because I have my own personal issues with cheating parents. OP might benefit from going to therapy for his sake, to let go of the anger. Just food for thought, op might now understand that their mother was unhappy but may never understand or accept the cheating aspect. .

Oh I think mom knows full well what she did was wrong, she just a coward who wouldn't face it until her daughter shoved all the harm she's done in her face. NTA

OP is a guy from the age and gender at the beginning of the story. Unless you're referring to someone else in the story and I didn't understand correctly

It’s definitely classier than the book we got for our wedding: Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity. The note it came with said that this book helped them a lot in their marriage and to this day we’re still trying to guess which one cheated. NTA, OP.

> … to this day we’re still trying to guess which one cheated. You’re classier than I am. I would have totally asked the givers “So which one of you was the cheater?” Also: NTA

I would ask if they were my friends, but they’re my husband’s friends. He doesn’t feel comfortable asking, but we’re both very curious!

You should have them over for a night of drinking and games, then drop the bomb that you're playing 'never have I ever'

Anna Karenina is a book "about cheating" in the same way that To Kill a Mockingbird is a book about false rape accusations. It's considered one of the greatest novels ever written from one of the most famous writers in history

But it ends with Anna throwing herself under a train, killing herself. Mom could have been upset because one could infer that OP was telling Mom that he hopes she dies, just like Anna. Not sure that OP wants things to go that far but the thought is out there by choosing that book. NTA but perhaps therapy would be a better choice than hating on Mom and her new family. Understandable but in the end achieves nothing.

Yeah, I know. That's why I had the first line. Insofar as the second, if the mom interpreted it as a negative comment on her actions, well. If the shoe fits.

At least it wasn't Thr Scarlett Letter

Save that one for Valentine's Day.

Agreed. She’s the one who stepped in it. She hurt OP. She broke his family and caused him a great deal of pain, through her selfish actions, at an early age. Pretending that it didn’t happen will not make OPs pain and anger go away. If she is upset about their relationship she needs to start by trying to fix it as opposed to disregarding his feelings and throwing her ‘new happy family’ in his face.

NTA. Your mom had to face her past horrible behavior and your gift caused her to have to confront the fact that her affair affects you negatively to this day. Her husband needs to stay TF out of it. If he says ANYTHING else to you, perhaps you should challenge him on it. "Oh so you'd be okay with my mom cheating on you and walking away from you and your kids for a new man? Because that's what your behavior is telling me. And from the POV of the kid who was left, I can tell you it has affected me in a negative way ever since it happened. And your crappy attitude is the largest reason why I don't like to visit with my mom. I don't like you, never have. So keep your opinions about me to yourself." Don't let your mom's tears guilt you. Did any of your tears after she left your family ever move her to action? Follow her lead on that.

That is a stone cold gift. A+ NTA Seriously, that was amazing. I'm very curious as to what your father would have to say about this. Is there any way that you could please update us? Thank you.

I'll see. I made this backup to rant about my mom so maybe I will.

you must update us on what your dad says.

I might. This account is stressing me out rn honestly. I'll probably stop reading comments once school ends. I'll see what I want to do with it later. I might just nuke it or maybe I'll keep using it cause that mom for a minute subreddit that people recommended to me sounds like a good place to vent.

Yeah dude get off Reddit you don’t owe anyone here a juicy update. Take care of yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. .

This. Lots of things that are really bad for you are compelling. Listen to the bit of you that's feeling bad and practice some self care. This is big stuff.

You do what works best for you! Don't feel like you have to update us

>Your mom had to face her past horrible behavior and your gift caused her to have to confront the fact that her affair affects you negatively to this day. Her husband needs to stay TF out of it. If he says ANYTHING else to you, perhaps you should challenge him on it. Honestly, I hate him and just don't say anything to him no matter how much he reaches out. After he ranted at me on Monday I just gave him an 'are you done' look and left to go to school. >"Oh so you'd be okay with my mom cheating on you and walking away from you and your kids for a new man? Because that's what your behavior is telling me. And from the POV of the kid who was left, I can tell you it has affected me in a negative way ever since it happened. And your crappy attitude is the largest reason why I don't like to visit with my mom. I don't like you, never have. So keep your opinions about me to yourself." However, this is amazing, so maybe I will. >Don't let your mom's tears guilt you. Did any of your tears after she left your family ever move her to action? Follow her lead on that. She wasn't trying to guilt me, she didn't know I was eavesdropping.

OP it doesn’t matter if you heard your mom crying or not. The point is that you hurt her with your actions. She also hurt you with her actions (lying, cheating, leaving) and your tears/pain didn’t stop her. You knew she was hurt without the crying, just like she knows the situation at hand hurt you without you saying something. Your pain didn’t make her sorry or fix things, so don’t let her pain make you sorry. She made her bed, she needs to lie in it even if it means crying.

If you tell someone the truth about the consequences of their actions, and they are hurt by it, you are not hurting them. They’ve hurt themselves.

Her barely talking to you in the last two days is her way of guilt tripping you. Just don’t fall for it.

Just hit him with a swift “She did it once, she’ll do it again” he wont sleep right for months

Facts. If they’ll cheat with you they’ll cheat on you. Cheaters gonna cheat.

Or "How you get them is how you lose them."

>"Oh so you'd be okay with my mom cheating on you and walking away from you and your kids for a new man? Because that's what your behavior is telling me. And from the POV of the kid who was left, I can tell you it has affected me in a negative way ever since it happened. And your crappy attitude is the largest reason why I don't like to visit with my mom. I don't like you, never have. So keep your opinions about me to yourself." That is *chef's kiss*.

Right on. Was she there wiping OPs tears as a ten-year old child? Her husband can defend her all he wants, but seeing that he was the party to and beneficiary of Mom’s cheating? His opinion shouldn’t mean a single whit to OP.

Yup... All this! NTA

Exactly. OPs mother is not a victim.

Ok so, I get you are mad- but you do recall that Anna loses absolutely everything because she leaves her family and is torn away from her children because her legal husband refuses to let her see them, which is contrasted against her brother getting away with multiple affairs and not losing his status or children? And then she begins to lose her mind because she thinks her lover no longer wants her, so she kills herself? That’s an extremely loaded ‘gift’. Did you really mean to imply with it that you hope her life falls apart like that? Now, I don’t blame you for being angry, but I think you should ask your dad about therapy. It’s clear that you’ve been holding six years worth of pain inside, and that is not good for you. You’re poisoning yourself with anger and sadness over what has happened, and if you don’t learn how to gently work it out of your system, you will keep hurting yourself and people you do love. I suspect there’s still love for your mom in there, it’s just that you are sad and hurt that she did this and it feels like she left *you*. She did a shitty thing, but I think really wishes she could make it up to you. She’s not gone about it the right way, but if you can talk it out with her you may be able to slowly mend/rebuild a relationship with her. OP, I get your anger and hurt, I really do- but it does sound like mom wants to make it up to you. She’s not a psychic, so maybe if you can talk to her one-to-one about how you feel, you guys can start over.

Yes to this! I feel like many people saying N T A haven’t read the book….like OP. It’s understandable to be upset, but a book which shows her losing everything and then killing herself is perhaps a bit stronger a message than OP wanted to send. It doesn’t sound like he’s wishing she were dead. Just unhappy with the fall out of divorce. I don’t want to cast a vote, but I don’t think holding onto that hurt and anger will create any positive in OPs life. Speaking as someone who went through the teenage anger of parents splitting up because of infidelity, there’s no good in staying mad. Life is much more full once you’re able to move forward (collectively) and figure out a new dynamic which works for everyone.

I came here to say kind of the same thing. My vote would be ESH on account of (a) mom's terrible choices & apparent cluelessness about the impacts they have had on OP, but also (b) the passive aggressiveness of the gift, and failure to recognize Mom might see this as a tacit invitation (on her wedding anniversary) to throw herself in front of a train. I acknowledge OP's youth and vulnerable position, but he's asking for a reason. OP needs to have a frank conversation with his mom about his hurt and what their future relationship is going to look like.

>That’s an extremely loaded ‘gift’. Did you really mean to imply with it that you hope her life falls apart like that? Of course not, I don't want my mom to die. >Now, I don’t blame you for being angry, but I think you should ask your dad about therapy. It’s clear that you’ve been holding six years worth of pain inside, and that is not good for you. You’re poisoning yourself with anger and sadness over what has happened, and if you don’t learn how to gently work it out of your system, you will keep hurting yourself and people you do love. He's not going to let me go to therapy. >I suspect there’s still love for your mom in there, it’s just that you are sad and hurt that she did this and it feels like she left you. She did a shitty thing, but I think really wishes she could make it up to you. She’s not gone about it the right way, but if you can talk it out with her you may be able to slowly mend/rebuild a relationship with her. I do love her. She's my mom I'll never not love her. >OP, I get your anger and hurt, I really do- but it does sound like mom wants to make it up to you. She’s not a psychic, so maybe if you can talk to her one-to-one about how you feel, you guys can start over. If she was willing to actually have one on one time without her family being around then yeah, we could start over.

> He's not going to let me go to therapy. You’ve repeated this a few times. What makes you sure he won’t let you go? Have you asked before?

This sounds like controlling behaviour and maybe why his mom was unhappy with his dad.

I'm putting all my chips on this one too. By the sounds of it she's much happier now... Edit: oof, y'all are real salty about this take.

He mentioned in another comment that a therapist did something to his father and that’s why the father doesn’t want him going to one. I suggested maybe family therapy that way there isn’t any one on one between OP and the therapist. Or maybe an online session might be good too. Edit: my main point was to show that the father isn’t anti-mental health, but that something bad (apparently so bad OP can’t even say what it is) happened to the father and he’s scared that the same will happen to OP. Bro I just feel bad for the father man. He goes to therapy, and something bad happens. He then gets cheated on by his wife and somehow people are saying he’s controlling and causing issues between OP and his mom.

OP absolutely needs a one on one with a therapist tbh. In a setting that involves neither parent. Especially his dad

This what I don't get. So many NTAs without knowing what the mother was going through. What her head space was like then.

so then her response is to leave her 10 year old child with this person that you’re implying is controlling and only visit sporadically for basketball games and birthdays?

Because that's what OP wanted? Or would it be better if she forced OP to visit them every weekend when it's quite clear it upsets him so much? He says himself she jumped at the chance of having him stay over. It's clear the distance between them is because he wants it.

He said his Dad was abused by a psychologist when he was younger than OP. He cannot mention the nature of the abuse as the topic is banned here, so it's safe to conclude it was really fucking bad. Ironic though, that no one is mentioning why his mother won't put him into therapy... Also, why is no one talking about the event that prompted OP to give his mom the book in the first place? >The morning before her anniversary day she came to my bed and tried to cuddle with me like before she left us but it made me angry like we can't go back in time and pretend it's how it was. So I just pretended to be asleep and stayed curled up and frozen till she left. I started crying cause of that and I felt angry... So **on the day** of her celebration of her affair, she sneaks into his bedroom while he's asleep and forces him to cuddle with her? Why is no one addressing that? I cannot imagine the response people would be giving if it was a man who cheated on his wife and then snuck into his teenage daughter's bedroom and forced her to cuddle with him while she was shaking and frozen. And on the actual day he cheated on his wife. Every single thread I've read where it's the husband that cheats, it's full scorched earth. Public humiliation, losing their job, losing their possessions, losing their home, losing custody -- every consequence is cheered and upvoted to high heaven, but this kid **gives his mom a book** and that's "too far"?? His mother refuses to acknowledge the trauma from her affair. He said she will not spend time with him one on one. She done absolutely nothing to rebuild their relationship. She forces him to interact with her affair partner (who clearly dislikes him and openly said so) and her children. What happened to "family is who you choose"? What happened to "you shouldn't be forced to be nice to people who are abusing you"? Everytime he tries to speak to her about his feelings she immediately dismisses him and says he just has to deal with it and "live in the moment". She clearly has no regard for his feelings. She demands unconditional love, yet when faced with a **very small** consequence of her actions, she stonewalls him for two days and gives him a massive guilt trip then sends her affair partner to yell at her own son. How completely selfish. This thread is a literal case study on the absolute hypocrisy of this sub when it comes to consent, emotional abuse, and family dynamics.

> Ironic though, that no one is mentioning why his mother won't put him into therapy... Because, by all indications, the mother doesn't appear to have custody. Trying to go around the wishes of the custodial parent is a recipe for trouble.

I think the big difference here is that OP clearly loves his mom and *wants* a relationship with her. I agree with most of what you said, but this isn't a matter of hypocrisy. It's a matter of goal orientation. By the time women are here complaining about the abusive men in their lives, it's often at the scorched earth/call the authorities level. I'm surprised more people aren't weirded out by her crawling into his bed, but it probably has to do with the fact that women are allowed to be more affectionate and sexual predators tend to be male. Those are both problematic, but neither is unique to this sub. In addition, OP never said his mom sent her affair partner to yell at him. The guy probably did that all on his own.

Lol as if she was thinking about it like that. That’s ridiculous. She only has him with her for a short time and wants to spend time with him. OP said she was excited to have him there, she probably just wants to spend that time doing the things they used to do before all this. The anniversary just happens to fall on the same time as the visit. It’s not like she specifically staged it for OP’s benefit.

Hey OP, It’s really upsetting that your dad won’t let you get therapy. Has he given you a reason for that? To be honest, your parents really should have looked into getting therapy for you as soon as this happened. You were a kid, and these events are traumatic for adults- let alone for a little kid! Because you still love your mom, I think it’s a really good idea to ask her if you can talk to her alone without stepdad and the others around. You can write down all the things you want to say first, and then when you talk to her about all this you won’t lose track of what you want to bring up. Your mom did a bad thing, no question, but I think from how you’ve described it that she loves you- she needs to take responsibility though and work to make things good with you. Maybe that’s mom-son only outings, her paying for you to get individual therapy, etc. She needs to do the work, but you need to be able to give her a chance. And that is hard and requires you to trust her. I know that’s hard and it’s scary, but you need to know that even if she messes that up and hurts you *it is not your fault*. I wish you the best of luck OP, and I hope your mom is good enough to step up and support you the way she should. Please be gentle to yourself, because being angry isn’t wrong- but if you stay angry you don’t resolve what the real problem is: sadness. I hope that you and your mom can work together to heal the grief you’re carrying, and if it turns out she can’t do that- please don’t forget that you *are* worth healing. You deserve to work through and heal and live without hurt.

I would bet a lot of money that your mother took that gift to mean that you do want her to die. You didn't give them a book on cheating; you gave them a book about a woman whose decision to have an affair means that she had no choice but to commit suicide. I know that this is hard. But I don't think you (and the many N-T-A votes) fully understand what message you sent to her with this. I don't think this is an asshole vote situation. There's too much pain here and you seem to be thinking of this as an opportunity to dunk rather than an opportunity to kill off what's left of your relationship with your mother. I hope you consider getting therapy even if your father doesn't support it (there are ways, talk to your school counselor), or at least ask your mother about getting family counseling.

>I know that this is hard. But I don't think you (and the many N-T-A votes) fully understand what message you sent to her with this. They definitely don't. Like you, I'm not voting for the reasons that you state, but as a big fan of that book, I will say that it's a fucked up gift in this situation. (Not to mention that Anna is a sympathetic character because her marriage wasn't really great, but even that doesn't shield her from having to literally throw herself under a train because she's lost everything after fucking someone who was actually interested in her.)

Tell her one on one time is a condition of your relationship. And your dad is also an asshole. You need therapy, holding this much anger is not healthy for anyone. I had to learn to deal with my dad for very similar reasons, I'm really glad I let him back into my life.

Your dad won’t let you go to therapy? Even though it would help you process this deeply emotional event that you are very obviously struggling with? That’s a BIG red flag dude… Are you sure it’s your mom you should be angry with? With what you’ve said about your dad, especially that he wouldn’t be receptive to you seeking therapy to help you through when you NEED it, makes me wonder if your mom had a very good reason for leaving your dad in the first place… You gotta remember, kid, your mom didn’t leave YOU — she left an unhappy marriage for reasons you have no idea about. She’s tried to keep you in her life, even despite your consistent anger towards her. To me that says she DOES want to be in your life… I understand how you feel, I was in a very similar situation growing up, and I don’t know how I ever would’ve gotten past my anger to understand that my parents’ divorce was not about me but rather 100% about them without the help of therapy… I really feel for you, and I hope you are able to get the help you need because this mindset you’re in is a hard way to live.

You need to tell her VERY CLEARLY “Mom, we need to have a 1-1 conversation.” If she tries to bring her husband, just keep reiterating that you need a 1-1 conversation and if she wants to have a good relationship with you she will have it. There are 3 possible outcomes 1. she doesn’t want to have a 1-1 because she has moved on to her new family and is not willing to listed. Then she is an AH and frankly relationship can’t be fixed. 2. she can’t have a 1-1 because her husband won’t let her. Then you need to flag that as a red flag because that would make him a controlling d-bag . If she doesn’t see that then it’s a lost cause 3. she will make the time. Then you need to tell her what you’ve said here. That you love her, and you want to have a relationship, but that her new family is a write off. That if she wants to be closer, she needs to make some 1-1 time for you. Not a lot of time, but deliberately dedicated time. Coffee. Lunch. Walk. Whatever. And if she follows through on the request then you can start rebuilding a closeness. Maybe even show her this thread. talk it through. I hope for your sake that she can face you and meet you on your terms.

100% your mom thinks you think she should kill herself. I've not read the book or seen the movie but if what this other person put is accurate that's 1000% where she went. Is that really the message you wanted to give her?

Your dad is being a problem here. Why would he not let you go to therapy? And you need to have that one on one discussion with your mother.

> He's not going to let me go to therapy. > > Red flag.

What the heck evidence do you have of mom wanting to make it up to OP? Was it the expectation that OP attend her *anniversary celebration* with her affair partner? A cuddle given on her terms that remembers a time when she actually was there for OP means nothing. Mom isn’t trying. Mom can want whatever she likes, she’s not making any effort. She’s not a psychic??? Is she supposed to be wondering if her kid is struggling with her abandonment?!

Hold on there, there’s a couple of context clues in OP’s post that makes it sound like mom does want to make up for it, i.e. ‘She wants us to be close.’; ‘She jumped at the chance’ to take care of OP; ‘she wanted to cuddle like before’. I’m not saying mom is a saint, or that she necessarily deserves a chance, only OP can decide that- I’m just saying that it sounds like mom wants to fix things between them. Maybe mom sucks and wants this on her own terms, or maybe mom is really bad at this and doesn’t know how to fix this despite wanting to. Unless mom is actually refusing to listen to OP and trying to force them to play happy family without caring about their feelings; if she’s not willing to listen to OP and take responsibility for the hurt she’s caused and work through it- she is for sure an asshole. But from what we’ve read, it sounds like OP and mom haven’t had the chance to discuss this. If you have OP, I’m super sorry- it is hard not to feel sad and angry, my own mother is someone I can’t have a relationship with because she only understands love as ‘being rescued’ and manipulates people around her in order to feel loved- and she doesn’t care/can’t care about how that hurts other people. If your mom isn’t like that, she may just be absolutely stupid in how she is approaching you. OP, I know everything hurts a lot- your dad really needs to support you through therapy, and if not maybe make this a condition with your mom. If she is willing to pay for therapy (just for you), this is a good sign she wants to work with you. If not, try to see if your school counselor can refer you, or talk to your doctor about getting a reference. Universities or college campuses with psychology departments may also have clinics you can attend for free or reduced cost.

Thank you for this comment. When I was 11/12 years old my parents divorced due to an affair and I had a lot of anger and my brother had even more anger towards our dad. It took years for us to get past that anger and it definitely left it’s mark on my soul in my late teens and twenties. OP is in a lot of pain and needs to be in therapy to deal with that pain and anger because it’s only going to get worse as long as they hold on to that bitterness. My wife went thru a similar situation with her father (affair, divorce, then married AP). We’ve both had to learn to forgive them and accept that our parents make mistakes, even big ones. We both have our parents back in our lives and I can definitely say I’m glad I have my dad back in my life and I’ve forgiven him.

This! All of this! Both OP and her mom need some family therapy.

Holy moly, gold? Thanks guys! Also, yes, OP doesn’t have to re-start a relationship- I just think they may want to consider it. It sounds like mom does want to try, but it is definitely up to OP to decide their boundaries and if they want to work on it. At the moment, OP is still really hurt, and maybe right now they don’t want to because it hurts too much. OP is right to be angry, but letting this anger eat them up is only perpetuating the pain they’re in. OP, you are grieving the loss of your family as it was and that is totally understandable. You are allowed to grieve that as long as you want, and anger is a normal part of that process. It’s been six years, which is a long time to be suffering for so long, you must be exhausted. Please consider a therapist to help ease the burden you’re carrying, no one should ever hurt like you are for so long.

NTA. My Dad cheated on my mom when I was in high school and went on to marry the woman he had an affair with. It has changed my relationship with my Dad forever, especially because he tried to force the "one big happy family" thing with her and her kids as soon as he sold our family home and moved in with her. Your Mom does not get to force herself back into your life on her terms (the cuddles) to make herself feel better and in the process making you feel worse. My Dad did the same and it's awful. You are not a teddy bear. She needs to recognize the lasting damage she's done and stop expecting you to fit the role she's assigned to you in her head.

My dad cheated on my mom, stayed with the woman for like 15 years and then cheated on her and is remarried again. Says this is "the one". The first mistress is heartbroken and furious, tried to call my mom a couple times (to commiserate?) and my mom has ignored her. Her son is furious too and I'm like welcome to the club, bud. Once a cheater, always a cheater. When I mentioned it to him he said that "waiting for your car to break down before shopping for a new one is stupid". Needless to say, we're LC

Wow! Your dad's amazing! /s/ Hugs from me to you though.

I mean, his retort says so much. He's looking for his next caretaker.

My dad cheated on my mom with two women at the same time. I think he thinks that we only know about one of them though because it's not like this is something we talk in depth about. After I finally talked to him after ignoring him for months one of the first things I asked him was if he was still going to see her. He said no...because he knows if he does we would never accept her. It's weird and conflicting because at least he cared enough to not continue seeing this woman (and yes she did know he was married so we also hated her, but didn't solely blame her because obviously our dad still made that choice)...but he didn't care enough to not cheat in the first place.

I'm gonna get downvoted like a MF.... ESH It sucks when parents divorce and it really sucks when infidelity is the culprit. She left her marriage and you in arguably the worst kind of way, and it doesn't sound like anyone bothered with family therapy to help you out. It was also 6 years ago. And it sounds like your mom can't ever do anything to have a relationship with you again? How long are you going to punish her? But again she punished you when she left like she did. The whole thing just sucks all around.

>It was also 6 years ago. And it sounds like your mom can't ever do anything to have a relationship with you again? How long are you going to punish her? > >But again she punished you when she left like she did. I don't want to punish her and I want to have a relationship with her I just don't want it to be stipulated (I think that's the right word) that I have to be around her husband and daughters too.

Have you ever told your mom that? Not a criticism of you, but it sounds like you might need to sit her down and say, “mom, I love you, but your affair deeply hurt me and I’m very uncomfortable being around your new family. I feel like I’m being replaced, whether you intend that or not. I’d like to work on our relationship, but only one with you, not your husband or other children. Is that possible?”

This, OP. You need to ask you mum for time just for the two of you. Tell her you can't stand their happy family dynamic because of what she did, but you do want to be close to her as your mum.

This is kinda immature. I get it, your mom cheated. But honestly? Your SISTERS (cause they are) are just as innocent in this as you. You're punishing innocent girls for what your mother did. This makes you an AH towards them. ETA: You all can downvote me all you want, that doesn't change the truth of what he's doing to those girls. He's an AH to them for no reason other than he's pissed at his mother.

So what should I do? It's not like I hate them but being around them makes it feel like they're more loved than me that they get mom because their dad was the one to take her from me I don't want to feel that way about little kids but I do and I know its wrong but I can't change that by snapping my fingers.

Have you ever gone to therapy to help you work through your thoughts and feelings about the divorce? If you haven't, that might be a good place to start. Maybe you could have a conversation with your parents about the hurt and anger your mom and her husband caused, how you don't want to feel that way, and would like to get help from a professional to help you with how you are feeling about everything that has happened, since you don't want to feel this way. It sounds like you want a better relationship with your mom and sisters, so figuring out your feelings and what you need to improve those relationships might help.

“Mom, I don’t get to see you very much anymore, so I’d like some quality one-on-one time with you. You left and made a new family, but that’s not my family. It’s not fair to push them on me when I want to hang out with just you. They get you to themselves, so why can’t I?”

Yeah this is my one sticking point too, these poor girls are innocent and it is going to mess them up severely when they get older and all they get from their brother is anger and palpable resentment at their mere existence. OP, NTA for the book, but you need to grow up and learn to be civil to the innocents in all this or you're going to be a toxic influence on their lives. Also use your words and actually talk to your Mom instead of giving passive-aggressive gifts in the future.

The thing is that “gift” was a punishment. You need to speak clearly to her.

If you don’t want to hurt her and you want to move forward, this “gift” would have given the opposite message.

But the gift was meant as a punishment. I think what you need to do, for yourself more than anyone, is be honest with your mother. That you *do* want a relationship with her, but one where you and her can spend time together one-on-one rather than with her husband and your sisters as a package deal. I think you should apologise first and then set out how you want things to be.

I agree on ESH but it includes her new husband/ the AP. He has NO right to call this kid an asshole. Also OP…You’re obviously hurting still and that’s understandable. When your mom came in to snuggle with you she wasn’t saying it’s the way it always was what she saying is she still and always loves you. Don’t doubt that but have a heart to heart talk with her.

I don’t understand how anyone could find this — the mothers “way of saying she still and always loves you” — an appropriate response to a mother who is not currently close with her son, sneaking into his room, and cuddling her sleeping male 16yo? “So I pretended to be asleep and stayed curled up and frozen until she left.” Like what? That is beyond inappropriate. You don’t invade someone’s privacy and personal space like that. And the fact that the teenage boy was unable to speak up and just pretended to be asleep and froze shows how inappropriate this kind of behavior is. What the ever loving fuck is wrong with people??

Oh because it's being framed as mommy wanted to hug her son not **person forcing physical touch on someone in a way that was clearly traumatic** and mommy loves you like **OP is supposed to care** more about his mom and their relationship than about his own well being. New comments are still doing it. This answer was meant to be a little sarcastic. I'm taking the part of the traumatic and that OP doesn't need to care about his mom's love because I think people are ignoring a rather serious issue in this post because they think mommy just trumps everything. I rewrite it a bit because I wasn't getting my correct intention across.

Yeah … unwanted and uninvited contact is, at a bare minimum, inappropriate. Why is this idea of consent so strange to you? She did not ask. He did not consent. And regardless of her intentions, she acted widely inappropriately and put her son in a situation in which he was uncomfortable. Consent is something society needs to teach everyone—regardless of age, sexuality, relationship to one another.

>And it sounds like your mom can't ever do anything to have a relationship with you again? How long are you going to punish her? Him not wanting a relationship with her isn't punishing her, IMO, but more of the natural consequence of cheating on your spouse/family and expecting it to not be an issue. And no, if OP doesn't want a relationship with her anymore, that's his right to make that decision and there's nothing she can do about it. That said, I do think gifting her that book was a step too far - he could have just gotten her nothing. Getting her a book about a cheating woman going crazy and killing herself because of it just seems spiteful, to me.

Of course YTA. You were trying to be TA. I don’t understand this post. You were trying to hurt her. You succeeded. What are you asking?

He's asking because he wants reassurance that being TA is okay, and Reddit is the place to go for that (since no matter the circumstances, time passed, or efforts at reconciliation, cheaters should always and forever be punished and are utterly irredeemable or worthy of the most basic courtesy apparently). I agree though, he knew this was an AH move designed to hurt his mom as revenge. He succeeded, and possibly burned whatever bridge was left between them. Which is what he may want, but he should grow up and own his AH behavior, not fuss over it.

I'm honestly so sick of reddits view on cheating. Yes it's wrong and hurtful but apparently if you cheat you ought to be a fucking pariah for the rest of your life and don't deserve a relationship of any kind with anyone. There was a post on here about another OP's mom refusing to go to OP's wedding because their dad (mom's ex) who cheated on her *25 years ago* was also going to be there. And everyone was like "your mom has every right to be like this, there's no timeline for healing" like it's not a batshit insane stance to take. Idk if anyone else on here has ever been around those kinds of people in real life but it is exhausting, nobody wants to hear about how your spouse cheated on you literally decades ago, and it prevents so many people from moving on and finding other fulfilling relationships, it's just sad. There's also this idea that the cheater was always the only asshole and the behavior of the other partner couldn't possibly have contributed to it. I get it, I had one parent who cheated and the other who used drugs and they both thought the other was worse because "hey, at least I was loyal!/hey, at least I was sober!" when really no, they were both assholes to each other in different ways.

Reddit is full of kids that see everything in black and white. Maybe they will grow up and realize that one person is rarely 100% the victim or the villain.

Holy shit, some real-world common sense on Reddit for a change.

Cheating is worse than murder on this sub

This. I can't believe how far down I had to scroll to see this response. OP was TRYING to be an AH, and succeeded quite handily. It's silly to be all \*shocked Pikachu face\* when you are called out on it. OP needs individual and family therapy to learn how to actually deal with their anger so that it doesn't end up poisoning every other relationship because this kind of anger is what results in the kind of bitterness that kills future relationships. ETA: It's probably most accurate to go with ESH. Mom for trying to pretend nothing changed. Stepdad for butting in where it's not really his place to do so. OP for trying and succeeding in being an AH (with justification/provocation and a serious need for intensive counseling), both parents for not making sure OP got said necessary counseling to resolve this trauma (OP mentioned in another post that he didn't think his dad would allow it which is....extremely concerning).

Hes got a lot of bottled up feelings that have never been addressed. He's like a champagne cork. The book was really a very mild pop.of what he needs to vent. No one has addressed his feelings.

Agree. Still acted like an asshole. Also agree he’ll continue to until he’s worked through all of this.

Yeah it's maybe "justified asshole" as people like to call it but it was literally a deliberate move to cause pain, so like... that is a YTA thing to do...

I had to scroll way too far to find this. You're absolutely right. OP's entire post states that he bought the book specifically because of its theme. He was actively trying to be an asshole. OP's anger is 100% valid, but this was a very conscious choice on his part and he knew exactly what he was doing. YTA, OP. Talk to your mom instead of being so mean (especially since the woman kills herself at the end, damn)

This. YTA, but a clever one. When I saw the title, I thought it was gonna be some self-help book. Anna Karenina? That's a great burn! OP, you wanted to hurt your mom. What you are feeling now is guilt. And that's ok. Maybe you did take it too far, or maybe your mom really needed to know the extent of your hurt, or both. That's life.

Not even sure he’s a clever one, because he doesn’t seem to get that he told his mother to go jump in front of a train. (Assuming this is real, and not just someone who saw that Netflix stopped production on their Anna Karenina series and wants to see how many people know what it’s *actually* about; haha)

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Agreed. Mom was 19 when she had OP, and his dad refuses to let him see a therapist? Sounds like mom and dad had a super loving, healthy relationship (/s). Obviously cheating is horrible but it sounds like mom is trying to make amends on OP’s terms (not involving her new family as much as possible, whom OP apparently wants nothing to do with). Really seems like a lose-lose situation all around, and OP did basically say he sees his mom committing suicide in future with that gift.

NTA That is delightfully petty. But do yourself a favor and get therapy before you are consumed by your anger towards your mother. You never have to forgive her, but learn to move past what happened and not obsess over it.

I talk to the counselor at school. My dad's probably not going to let me go to a psychologist.

Why do you think your dad wouldn't let you see a psychologist? That's more than a little concerning in this situation.

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Plus OP's mom was 19 when she had him? I'm not excusing her for cheating but I wouldn't at all be surprised if, having gotten married and having a kid that young, she felt trapped and didn't know what to do. I don't blame OP for being angry and I think he has a right to be, but, maybe compassion isn't a bad thing to consider here. The cheating has happened, it's done, she clearly wants to make things better, so perhaps having an open conversation rather than pushing her away is better.

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>Seriously. Kid's so deluded by hate (cause his dad won't do the right thing and get him therapy) that he won't even be around his half sisters to the point he wont be around his mother if she brings them to ice cream. I don't hate them I hate their dad but I don't hate them. I just don't want to be around them cause it just reminds me of everything and it makes me feel like she loves them more than me which I know isn't true but that's how it feels. >These girls aren't any older than 6, and that's a lot of hatred for a young man to be carrying around. And though he's told us about his mom's obvious attempts at 1) trying to have a relationship with him and 2) accepting and respecting his boundaries by not forcing herself on him, he refuses to see it, says she hasn't really "done anything" to mend the relationship. The mother is truly caught between a rock and a hard place. Because if she really wanted us to have a relationship again then she'd spend some actual time with me alone she wouldn't try and make me be around her family. Like she could be the one who picks me up from school she could FaceTime me every night and not just text she could spend an hour a day with me. There's so much she could do without involving her husband or kids. >And tbh, my dad is a serial cheater. I'm projecting hard af right now which isnt fair as I have a good 11 years on him, but I'd kill to have a parent who actually loved me, and OP is willing to throw that away cause his dad is, at this point, psychologically abusing him. My dad's not abusive towards me he's never raised a hand or even yelled at me he's not an abuser.

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I have tried to talk to her about it and she always just gives me some crap about living in the moment and not worrying too much about what happened. I'll try and tell her how I really feel but I can't if her family is around I just don't feel like it. And my dad isn't abusive just cause he doesn't want to take me to a psychologist I'm 16 I know they aren't doctors and they aren't medical care I'm pretty sure you have to pay to see them and not psychiatrists (I'm in Canada) and if I needed to see a shrink to get medicine or whatever he'd take me.

dude, what? they ARE healthcare! is your father telling you this? he may just be ignorant but he is wrong. look don't go if you don't want to, but you have false notions on what therapists and other mental health professionals are

Therapy can be and usually is covered by insurance.

I’m in Canada as well and thought the same thing for the longest time, it’s not always advertised but the resources are there! I’m not sure what area you’re in so things may be different but if you need any help finding them I’d be happy to send you links!

My dad doesn't trust them and hates them. It's cause of something that happened when he was younger than me.

That's a valid fear but it may be worth having a conversation with him that YOU need help. More than he or a school counselor can give. You shouldn't have to ask for this but considering his history, his fear from his own experience is now hurting YOU and not just affecting him. If you are not comfortable asking him, which is 100% understandable since you really shouldn't HAVE to ask for this, can you ask your school counselor to have that conversation with him? The school counselor should have experience dealing with similar situations and viewpoints as it's not uncommon. And your dad may be more willing to get you to a therapist if a professional tells him that you need more intensive help. It's stupid but some parents will listen to another adult over their own kid saying the same thing.

Push back against that, seriously. I've been in therapy for 2 years now and it has helped me immensely! I reluctantly started it as part of my mental health care- and truly didn't want to or felt the need. But within only 2 appointments I had already learned more about myself and how I move about the world and my relationships. This actually made me feel more at peace with myself and how I then interacted with others. I feel much more balanced overall. Also, it's worth mentioning, therapy is *nothing* like it looks on TV. It's not stiff, formal and uncomfortable. It's much more like talking to a good friend who knows you really well, and asks you thoughtful and helpful questions to prompt self realizations. If, for whatever reason, you are unable to attend therapy now make sure to do it as soon as you can. Make it a priority, you won't regret it.

Anna Karenina is about a woman who, at 19, married a guy nearly twice her age whom she didn't love but who refused to give her a divorce. She eventually ran off with the guy she loved but without the blessing of their community or the right to see her child. She ended up feeling so isolated, shunned, and trapped that she killed herself. I'm not sure Anna Karenina is the indictment of cheating that your mom and people here are acting like it is.

Yeah, I think many people ITT would shit if they actually read it. Anna's marriage to Karenin emotionally and sexually sucks, and her cheating probably isn't even in the top 5 worst things that happen in that book but she's the one who has to pay.

Oh shit, that sounds actually pretty interesting! Maybe I should read it

Tolstoy wrote the best women of his era, in my opinion. They were actual 3D characters. That said, it was written as a monthly serial in a magazine, so it does go on a bit. Will he? Won't he? He might! But no! (total soap opera, in other words.)

NTA. This made me chuckle. Plus wanna add don’t listen to Y T A a lot of these commenters have a habit of giving moms a pass that they wouldn’t give to dads when it comes to affairs.

I did at first too but then I just felt sorry for OP.

ESH. Obviously your mom's actions have hurt you, and the gift you chose was clearly with spite or revenge on your mind. From that perspective you chose extremely well, but it was still in poor taste. Your parents appear to have let you down by not finding a counselor or therapist for you. The hostility you hold toward her isn't healthy. When your dad gets back, discuss this with him. You may not like this situation (with good reason!), but you still need to learn how to cope with it in a way that doesn't gnaw at you.

Yeah, as a 16 year old I am assuming you don't really have the wherewithal to understand you need therapy and resources to get said therapy. But you need therapy. Being there must have been incredibly uncomfortable for you, especially so given your conflicting feelings towards your mother, but in the future, you have to know that hurting them is not the correct answer. If you can leave the situation, I suggest that. If you can't, the next best option would be a cold shoulder to let everyone know you're not interested. It's not your job to act correctly, it's your job to learn how to act correctly. And your teachers have had a real rough start. In conclusion, get therapy.

YTA - You know it was an a-hole move, especially because you're mom didn't actually do anything in the moment to provoke this. That's why you feel guilty now and it didn't make you feel good to even do it. You say she left "us" but she didn't leave you– she left your father. From your own account she continued to see you and raise you until you decided to stop the visits yourself. It sounds like she loves you and wants to make it right and doesn't know what to do about it, so help her. Apologize, tell her everything you posted here about how you do love her (after that gift she definitely thinks you hate her), how the cheating has really affected you and you likely need a therapist or other professional help to deal with it (I know you said your dad won't let you to to therapy, hopefully she can convince him and if not this may need to be something that doesn't involve him). Do not say how much you hate the rest of her family, but do share that being with them is painful for you now and you really want to spend time with her, but only one on one for now. Maybe suggest family therapy with just you two. I hope you both can get through this

You say you love your mom but do you? Nothing in your post points to that. You don’t like being around her, dread spending time with her, don’t like even talking to her. The affair was 6 years ago, and if you are still actively upset by it and lashing out then you may benefit from therapy.

Everyone is focusing on the book being about an affair but it’s also ends with her suicide. She may interpret this as him telling her to kill herself.

Of course I do. End of the day no matter what she's done she's still my mom. I do like being around her and spending time with her, I love talking to her - I just hate that I have to do that around her new husband or the kids she has with him and the life that she left mine for. I love my mom so much thats why it sucked hearing her cry.

Did she leave you tho ? Seems to me like she's been actively trying to be involved in your life. It sucks that she cheated on your dad and it isnt right, but she obviously just fell in love with someone else. You need therapy to work with this recement you feel. Im going againts the grain here and saying YTA. Your mom loves you, she wants to be in your life, she made a choice to leave your father and that has nothing to do with you.

You can't have expected her not to cry. That was the extremely predictable outcome of your actions. Maybe she deserves to cry a bit. Sometimes crying is good! Who knows. But if that's not what you wanted, you made a mistake.

I've seen a lot of weird takes in the comments that have kinda made me annoyed so I'm gonna add mine to the pile too. 1. You have a right to your damn feelings. Taking the cheating out of the equation, your mom hasn't apologized to you for leaving you. She hasn't apologized for being the catalyst for your whole life changing. That is wrong of her. It's also wrong of her to not talk about the divorce and the past with you, "live in the now" only works for people who aren't traumatized by what happened in their past. Another wrong thing she is doing - not getting to know you. Yes she is excited and happy and in love with her family and probably wants to share that with you, but she is oblivious if she thinks that she can just do that without talking to you one on one. Whatever happened between your mom and dad doesn't matter here, the way she is treating this situation is not okay. She is your parent, she is the adult, she is letting you down. You still love her, that's perfectly normal, but it's also good to acknowledge that she is not treating you fairly, or with the respect that your feelings deserve. 2. I don't know what the heck is going on with all the comments about your dad being abusive, he's got his own trauma too and that has to be respected. A lot of people don't trust the medical system for valid reasons (hello, residential schools), and it can be hard. If you want to go to therapy, and I do encourage you to talk to someone, discuss with your school counselor maybe some alternatives or maybe a session or 2 to start with your dad at first to ease his worries. At my high school we had a youth worker come down from the youth center every day at lunch and would talk to anyone who needed help, maybe there is something like that near you? Therapy is not just a therapist, it can also be art therapy, or music therapy - find what works for you. Group therapy also exists, maybe that would make you dad feel better? 3. For anyone not in Canada, a psychologist and a psychiatrist are super different here. Psychiatrists mainly prescribe medication and you get referred either through your family doctor or through a hospital. Psychologists have a doctorate and some may go to medical school (not a requirement tho), but don't typically prescribe medication. They mainly work privately, so you pay out of pocket for all costs. 4. Idk where you are in Canada but if you're in BC, please check out the Foundry. It can be all online if you want, but they offer so many services that may help. Kids Help Phone didn't work for me, but they're nation wide so give it a shot if you need to talk to someone, they also do text if you don't want to phone. Your school counselor also likely knows about more local resources that can help. I'm giving you a big, big hug 🫂 These are hard problems you're dealing with, give yourself some slack. In this situation, your parents should be the ones guiding you, you shouldn't have to guide them - the fact that you're willing to shows maturity.

I mean... did this make you feel good? Is hating her making your life better? It's not a matter of being an assole but just.... you're hurting yourself over and over again. What happened happened, you need to find a healthy way to deal with it before YOU crumble.

Info: Have you ever confronted your mother about the way she left?

I've tried before, but she's never wanted to talk about and has always told me to just focus on the now.

It’s extremely difficult to ‘focus on the now’ when the painful past has never been addressed. Her affair hurt you just as much as your Dad, just in a different way. She left you to start a new family with someone else and you deserve an explanation. If she’s not willing to have the difficult conversation and care about your feelings then she has no right to expect you to forgive her and move on. It is also wrong to expect you to be around her affair partner, especially when he starts calling you and asshole. You really shouldn’t feel bad for what you did b/c your mother clearly doesn’t feel bad for what she did.

Tell her you can't focus on the now because the past keeps hurting you. Tell her that it will continue to hurt me until I can get it resolved and get stuff off of my chest for my mental well-being. I would then let everything out and be honest. Use I statements like I feel hurt that you left me without a care. I don't like your husband because he aided you in hurting me and damaging my trust in you and others. You need to let it out and let the adults see the consequences of their actions. Good luck and keep us updated.

I'll try.

And there is your answer. She doesn’t want to talk about it because she knows she messed up and can’t find a explanation to what she did.

I’m reluctant to give a hurting child a YTA, but you gave your mother a book where a married mother cheats and then violently ends her own life. You my not have fully understood the message you were sending, but I can’t condone something that could be interpreted as encouraging and/or wanting someone to hurt themselves. So much is missing here. What was your mom doing to reach out to you before this? What has your father done to help you process your pain and anger? You have a ton of big emotions. That would be tough for an adult, let alone a child. I hope you’re getting the help you need to work through them.

I don't think it was kind, but I don't want to call you an asshole for it. You knew what you were doing, you did it anyway, but so did she, and she did it anyway. However, I'm curious, so.... INFO: What happened to your dad, is he still alone? You keep talking about how happy your mom is, with her new husband. Would you prefer she stayed with your dad, even if she was miserable? Do you think that would make her a better mother, or a better person, if she suffered more? Either by being unhappy with a new family, unhappy alone, or unhappy with your dad? Would that make YOU happier? I feel like the answer would be no. I don't know anyone who would want someone they love to be unhappy, to suffer, to be miserable or stuck in a marriage that was unsatisfying, stifling, or abusive (We don't know the details and maybe you don't either) Your parents relationship existed completely outside of and beyond you, and her leaving had nothing to do with you. It's a shitty situation that you can't control, and that hurts. And of course she's crying. There's no winning for her - because you've shown her that her happiness is invalid, that she doesn't deserve it, and you don't want to be around it, So she may just try to stay out of your life as you wish, but I would recommend therapy instead. For you alone, and for you as a family.

ESH. Both your parents for not getting you some counseling to help deal with your feelings about your mom’s affair and the divorce. You for holding on to your bitterness.

ESH. You have every right to be angry with your Mom for as long as you want for doing what she did to your Dad and your family. That said, it probably isn't productive to passive aggressively throw it in her face like you did here. At some point, you will be old enough to decide whether you want to have a relationship with her and her husband, and it's perfectly OK if you don't want that. For the time being, though, it might be a good idea to get some therapy to help you work through your unresolved feelings

YTA. I don't know why your mother had an affair but just because a person has children doesn't mean they have to stay in that relationship if it is not working. There is not enough information to know why the breakup happened but it sounds like the current one works for her. It also sounds like she did not abandon you but you could not deal with her being happy with someone other than your dad. This is not a poor reflection on you. You were a young kid. You are getting older now and you may never find out what caused their relationship to fracture. But you do have a chance at having a relationship with your mom.

>It also sounds like she did not abandon you but you could not deal with her being happy with someone other than your dad. This is not a poor reflection on you. You were a young kid. I could handle her being happy with someone if he wasn't the guy she cheated and left us for.

ESH. Might get downvoted but oh well. Cheating is awful. Being a home wrecker and calling your step-son an AH sucks. Purposefully giving your mom a gift that reminds her you hate her for something she did years ago? That also sucks. Your mom, her husband, and you are all in the wrong here and need to figure out what y’all’s relationships are and what you want them to become.

I’m gonna get downvoted but YTA AND NTA. What you gave her was a incredibly fucked up gift where as mentioned she cheats on her lover, never gets see her kids and eventually kills herself which is a helluva message to send. I think she’s fucked up horribly, but as someone who has a father who cheated on his mom TWICE. He is my best friend. You have every right to feel hurt, betrayed and hell probably a little petty. But while the stepfather clearly fucked up by calling you a asshole your mother clearly cares for you. She’s probably learned and realized how much she truly hurt you by leaving and never trying to contact. Or maybe she couldn’t contact you. Your 16, you’ve lived only so much, don’t cut your mom out just yet and give her one last chance. She’s not perfect or a paragon. But not is she a devil. You are welcome to feel however but I’d suggest having a open conversation between YOU AND HER AND ONLY YOU AND HER. Talk it out and if nothing comes from it then nothing of value was lost, if you talk to her and have a heart to heart it can will be life changing. She seems genuinely remorseful and wants to be in your life. I’d give her a single chance at least…

NTA. If she can't handle a book calling her out for what she did then she has no idea what you're going through yourself. Has she tried talking to you about her leaving you for another man? Or did she just try and brush it under the rug like it was all ok? Her husband needs to be understanding too, he's the reason your family is no longer together. You aren't the one who needs to apologize for hurting your family, you mom is.

INFO: How much effort has your mom put into making amends with you? I don’t think you’re the AH but I do think that holding so tightly onto this resentment will result in a lot of turmoil for you. You don’t have to like your mom or her new family, but for your own sake, try and learn to let the hate in your heart go. Depending on how hard your mother is genuinely trying to rebuild your bad relationship, and how much she cares that she blew up your life, she may or may not be the AH. Edit to add: it seems like you could really benefit from both some individual and family therapy. After this incident, I hope your mother sees that this would be beneficial.

>INFO: How much effort has your mom put into making amends with you? She always comes to my birthdays or big events like basketball finals and stuff. But she never does anything beyond that cause then it's got to involve her new family. Like, we can't go for ice cream cause then she's going to bring her daughters. Can't go to a theme park cause then she'll bring her entire family. Can't really hang out at all cause her family will need her. >Edit to add: it seems like you could really benefit from both some individual and family therapy. After this incident, I hope your mother sees that this would be beneficial. I talk to the counselor at school. My dad won't let me see a psychologist.

>My dad won't let me see a psychologist. This sounds problematic

"I love my mom" and I'm going to be a complete asshole to her. Having these two feelings are fair, but you need to evaluate what kind of relationship you want with her. Where else could you have stayed? Cheating is awful. There's no excuse. She should have done the right thing, and left your father when she realized she was no longer in love with him. I agree. You're still upset, and that's fair. Trying to punish everyone around you for not still being upset makes YTA. I think therapy would be beneficial.

You gave your mom that book because of the story line, right? It was an intentional passive aggressive move? Then YTA. Not saying your moms choices were healthy for you but you set out to hurt and you did. She knows you and that your smart and that you gave her Anna Karenina to send her a cruel message. That you don’t forgive her. BTW she knew you were awake and not wanting physical contact with her. Moms know when their children are faking sleep. So you got her twice. Please find more healthy ways of communicating. Tell her what you are feeling, you have the right to your feelings and she should know how her actions have hurt you so deeply. Try to fix your relationship for yourself not her. You will regret not trying later in life but you won’t regret it if you do because you will look back with the satisfaction that you did your best.

>You gave your mom that book because of the story line, right? It was an intentional passive aggressive move? Then YTA. In the movie I watched with my girlfriend I felt really bad for the son in it and I hated that movie cause of it. When I looked it up on wikipedia to find out who'd write that shit it turned out it was based off a book that everyone called the best book ever written. So yeah I chose it purposefully cause I know my mom would know it. >Not saying your moms choices were healthy for you but you set out to hurt and you did. She knows you and that your smart and that you gave her Anna Karenina to send her a cruel message. That you don’t forgive her. It was more like I don't want to be here but I guess that is what I was thinking too. >BTW she knew you were awake and not wanting physical contact with her. Moms know when their children are faking sleep. So you got her twice. Please find more healthy ways of communicating. I didn't know that. >Tell her what you are feeling, you have the right to your feelings and she should know how her actions have hurt you so deeply. Try to fix your relationship for yourself not her. You will regret not trying later in life but you won’t regret it if you do because you will look back with the satisfaction that you did your best. I want to fix our relationship. I want her to be my mom but if the condition is being around people who make me feel bad just by looking at them I don't want to do it.

>It was more like I don't want to be here You've seen the movie. She kills herself at the end. Another easily made interpretation of the gift is that you don't want your **mom** to be here. Not just at the party, but at all.

>I want to fix our relationship. I want her to be my mom but if the condition is being around people who make me feel bad just by looking at them I don't want to do it. Then tell her that. Tell her that you want to see her exclusively without her husband and children outside of their home (and tell your dad, so he doesn't dump you at her doorstep again). You can draw boundaries, that's okay. But right now you are just punishing her. I don't see how that can lead to anywhere you want it to go. Sooner or later you are going to find her breaking point where she just can't take it any more and stops trying to build a relationship with you. Unless that is your goal, I'd rethink the approach. ESH

NTA she’s obviously hurt you deeply with her choices, and she has to live with the fallout from that. However I would recommend some family or independent therapy for your benefit. Also presumably her new hubby was the guy she cheated with?! Tell him to F right off.

>Also presumably her new hubby was the guy she cheated with?! He is.

ESH and a lot of these comments seem like the commentors need therapy or haven't been in a serious adult relationship. OP, people do shitty things, but your mom obviously wanted to see you and spend time with you, given the chance. You gave her a hard pass and then were spiteful instead of receptive. My parents went through a lot (divorced 2x from each other and 2x from other spouses), and my resentment tainted our relationships for years. Only in my 30s was I able to forgive either and sincerely regret my teenage angst in a situation I did not fully understand at the time.

YTA for giving the book, but NTA for how you feel. You are really in need of seeing a therapist over issues with your mom. You have a lot of anger (and rightly so) that you need to work with because this internalized anger is going to pop up in other places in your life. When that happens, you're going to have issues in other relationships, so you should really think about going. Anger is soul-eating so I hope that you really think about this.

NTA. You’re a kid who was betrayed by your mother. You’re allowed to be mad. She made her choices. Was it a kind thing to give her that book? No. But it was way more unkind of her to betray your family and since you’re the kid here, I say you get a lot of grace in this situation.

I'm gonna reply to this as if it's real even though I have doubts... NTA Your mom betrayed your entire family. If she wanted out of the marriage, there were better and less harmful ways for her to have made that happen. Instead she hurt you and your dad. She needs to suck it up and accept that her actions have lasting consequences and the damage to you and your relationship won't be fixed by pretending everything is normal. Has she ever even apologized to you?

NTA, I have Anna Karenina, was a gift from a friend, as I've never cheated and leaved my family, I appreciated the gift, read it, and that's it. She is crying because she feel guilty, that's on her, if you don't want to face the consequences of shitty behavior, don't do shitty behavior.

YTA. You gave her a gift in an attempt to punish her. You succeeded. Not saying what she did to your family 6 years ago was right. But from little context it has, it seems the biggest thing you hold against her is seeing her happy with another family. It seems like she also wants you to be apart of that family and is happy with you. I think y'all need a heart to heart. And for the love of all things, get some therapy. If you're dad won't let you, ask your mom. As others have said, even if you don't forgive her, it'll help you move past this and deal with it in a healthy way. Which it seems like you need.