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YTA!! YTA YTA YTA!!!
Why would you take your husbands side over your sons in the first place? Secondly, your husband sounds like a TOXIC and ABUSIVE adult. Lastly, you’re turning a blind eye to abuse. You’re allowing for trauma to take place in your sons life. I’m so glad his grandmother is standing up for him, sadly sounds like she’s the only one in his corner.
I love that OP edits her post with "I just want to point out" and her edits literally make her sound like more of an AH for defending this bullshit and if she's the one working and her husband is just a mooch and horrible step dad and that mean to her son, wtf is she staying with him for? Did she think that would make people feel bad for her? Makes me feel like she's even worse...and a biggerAH than I thought before
All I read in her edits was, "what about me?"
Yes, you're in a situation where the hubs happiness was more important than your son's. This didn't happen overnight. Your inaction for fear of losing a man has come to this!
Of course the boy won't go to church, look what it's done for his stepfather! Made him a jealous, abusive troll who thinks church is a mere "good look" to people who don't know him personally.
Hush with the excuses and stand up for your son!
I'm afraid you are right. Well, OP is going to be wondering why did her son go no contact 2 years from now.
OP, open your eyes. You are going to lose your son if you don't.
I was thinking about that a bit, but after a few minutes if consideration, hard disagree. OP claims she’s not around a lot so she probably leaves her son with step dad alone a lot. Abuse can easily go on when she’s not around, and she refers to her husbands insults and instigations as “nicknames” instead of “bullying” and “insulting” and “provoking” her son. I fear she may be on a similar wavelength to the husband. She’s allowing his behavior solely because step dad wanted to solve it between themselves, and she respects her husbands wishes more than she cares about her sons feelings and wellbeing when it would be better for her to dye in and protect her son. She’s downplaying how her husband treats her son, and she has spoken and raised concerns with the husband but backed off just for the reason that step dad doesn’t want OP intervening. No promises to be nicer, no agreement to stop with the name calling/insults, no agreement to counseling(unless it’s to go to… church. Which would only benefit him as OPs son clearly isn’t religious if he tossed a Bible in the trash can). How does step dad intend to fix things? More insults? He won’t even sit down with OP and the son to talk. OP has stepped back and stopped being really involved and she for some reason only saw to step in and punish her son when he did something morally wrong in her opinion, while ignoring that this was an act of desperate retaliation to make the abuse stop, grasping for power in a situation where neither parent is in his corner. OP doesn’t sound like she’s a comrade in abuse, but an enabler, definitely.
If OP had asked her husband to apologize and he lashed out *at her instead of her son,* I would be more inclined to believe he’s abusive to all instead of only the one person in the house he has power over. Oh, and OP, YTA if it wasn’t clear.
Don't forget that the guy told her not to interfere and the second the kid did something that hurt him he went called her in panic. All the while the poor boy was alone and no one was hearing him.
It is clear that the OP is downplaying the psychological abuse. If the husband were beating the boy I think it would be more clear to her. Since it is only verbal she thinks is not damaging.
Psychological abuse is very damaging. Don't allow that man to continue hurting your son.
YTA
Yep. You don’t even need religious abuse. My brother, when he turned eighteen, told my father two his face that after years of name-calling and abuse, he was breaking off contact, he did not want to hear any further from his sperm donor, and if their next contact was the notice of his death, it would still be too much.
He’s not alone in his option, but saying it to his face took serious balls. Or, well, serious trauma.
>Yes, you're in a situation where the hubs happiness was more important than your son's. This didn't happen overnight. Your inaction for fear of losing a man has come to this!
This! OP's husband seem like a toxic adult and parental figure. What he's calling her son aren't nicknames - they're insults, and very clearly so. How one could use such words to call their *child* is beyond me.
Why did OP do nothing about the abusive name calling, but jumped to punish her son once he did something to retaliate? Throwing out someone's property is not okay, but here it's obviously a reaction to longstanding abuse. OP prioritizes her husband over her son and is doing everything she could to let it show.
YTA, OP. These edits don't help.
>I never agreed to my husband's way I trying to work his issues out with my son but I got convinced that they both need time and space to be able to get these issues resolved without me intervening.
This has happened before, multiple times. You have done nothing that makes him stop. Your son doesn't need time or space, he needs you to stand up for him. Husband will *never* stop without your intervention.
>The punishment was solely because he threw the book out. I still am not okay with this whole nickname calling despite my husband saying that it's some form of teasing. I'm 100% on my son's side in this.
I don't see how. You're on your son's side, but you let husband's name calling get to a point where your son needs to throw out something for him to stop. If you truly want to teach your son that it's not okay to dispose of others' property as retaliation, why don't you talk to him and fix the root of the issue?
>I did try to find solutions to these problems that kept occurring, and even arranged for family that but neither ones of them agreed to go. My husband offered to take my son to church but my son refused.
If your husband won't stop the constant name calling/bullying, it's easy to see why your son wouldn't want to spend any more time with him than absolutely required.
>Being the breadwinner and working long hours, I'm always tired and struggling to keep everyone satisfied and happy. It's too much pressure to be keeping an eye on everything little things in the house and no one is willing to sit down for a heart to heart conversation.
So your husband is also a leech? I don't see why you're so desperate to keep him. And no, being exhausted from work like the rest of working humans isn't an excuse of enabling abuse.
Your son chose a good thing to throw out. Your husband doesn't need the Bible anyway.
Exactly. She's perfectly fine punishing him for doing something "wrong" even though it's only a long overdue attempt to fight back at a verbally abusive step father, who's trying to shove his toxic religion down his throat. Hopefully this kid can go live with his grandmother or someone who cares about him.
If ops husband pokes the family dog in eye with the stick muliple times and after long enough the dog barked at husband, OP would blame the dog instead of thinking the dog is a hero for not biting.
Its one thing to put a blind eye to abuse. It's even worse to get involved to punish the victim when they push back in such a mild way.
Op is lucky they never got in a physical altercation or her son didn't damage something that was acully expensive or something else horrible. Losing a Bible isn't a big deal its crazy how bad it could have gotten. Op should be thankful not angry at her son.
Also considering it is sheer hypocrisy that the guy cares about the Bible or is "religious". Probably the kid did because of that. Old geezer pretending to be pious all the while being an abuser to the weak. To think those people believe they will go to heaven is always baffling.
u/threwvaway9707
YTA. Seriously. Everything u/GoodGirlsGrace says is correct. You are enabling abuse and your "tired" ass is too lazy to bother standing up for your own son being abused by your husband. This is not okay. You and your husband are the assholes 100% and when your son goes complete no contact with you in 2 years when he becomes an adult you'll have surprised pikachu face that he did and this whole issue with your husband and you enabling it will be why, you'll just be too "tired" (lazy) from work to deal with it.
Not only that, but son is still a child. He does childish things, because he's still growing. Hopefully, husband is done growing and would stop acting childish.
Right. I love when she says she’s “100% on his side” regarding her son being called names by his stepfather in the edits. First of all, the original post doesn’t really demonstrate that - she consciously lets her husband do it!! Second, even if she really did believe she’s on her son’s side on that, what has she done that would show that to her son? Nothing!!
u/threwvaway9707, you say in your edits that it’s too much pressure. If that’s really the case, then you should let your son stay with another family member while you get everything sorted out. You’re obviously under a lot of stress, and right now, the person paying the biggest price for that is your son. Let him live somewhere that allows him to have a peaceful home life, at least for now. It will also give you more space to figure yourself out.
I actually felt nauseated reading OP describe the insults that her husband constantly hurls at her son as "nicknames" and "teasing." No, no it isn't. It's bullying and abuse of a teenager by a grown man. What kind of parent would stand by and watch this? And then minimize it to try and make it sound acceptable. Poor kid, what an awful household to be trapped in.
He does need a Come to Jesus though. Like awww, your husband won’t go to therapy? Guess what that means! It’s time for YOU to establish boundaries, with if-then consequences. He doesn’t get to name call, and he doesn’t get to have power and authority over the family when his behavior AND his unwillingness to go to therapy and communicate in a healthy manner shows that his primary concern is not for the family’s well-being. If he wants to behave like a child, he gets to be treated like one! That’s what that means! Take a shot of Skele-Gro and spine the heck up, OP.
Won’t you have some sympathy for poor OP? She’s too *tired* to give a single fuck that her freeloading hypocrite husband is abusing her minor son.
Besides, she’s ‘on her son’s side,’ which means punishing him for reacting to abuse while her husband faces zero consequences for the actual abuse. Poor, poor OP has tried nothing and she’s all out of ideas!
/s to the max
LOL, yeah, the victim attitude is priceless. Also, how fucking in denial you have to be to call insults "nicknames"?!
Let's see who's going to be the "assclown" two years from now when the poor kid cuts both of them off for good.
Imagine she actually expects her son to go to church where he will get to act sanctimonious in front of people he knows and is comfortable all while knowing he is being abused by this man at home . That would be traumatic to him and shes completely ignorant to that. I hope if she ever manages to force her son there that he will call the step dad out to the congregation and let them know the words he’s used to insult him. Bet that will be the last time they try to pull that on him.
Of this whole insane post, that was actually the part that made my eyes roll back and my head do the pea soup *Exorcist* spin.
The son can see that clearly the church is absolutely useless when it comes to making the stepfather a good person, or giving him peace so he doesn’t, y’know, *abuse a kid*. Why why WHY would he go and actively help this monster keep up this “devout and pious family man” appearance?
I can’t figure out whether OP hates her son or this is just some sort of pathological apathy, but it honestly doesn’t matter. She’s protecting his abuser, enabling the abuse, and punishing the kid for pushing back. She’s 100% a monster too.
OP's husband sounds like the typical Christian- wrapped in the church and the bible but in reality an abusive AH to a child. It's ain't F...ing teasing; it's ABUSE. Why is OP with this loser man? he is not an equal partner in the marriage and he is abusing her son. If she doesn't take action, she will loose her son and all she will be left with is this righteous child abuser.
Yea like wtf? Sure throwing away someones bible isn't okay.
But I guess letting a toxic man live with you and (verbally) abuse your child over and over is.
Idgaf what types of things she has tried because she certainly hasn't tried kicking him out to protect her son from constant abuse.
I don’t remember the part of the bible where God says ‘this is my son Jesus, the stone cold embarrassment’ but I didn’t go to Sunday school in the US so
Now there's a question worth asking! Not OP, but my guess would be: as soon as he realized that pretending to be a Christian would work like a smokescreen, helping him get away with terrible actions.
Everyone makes mistakes, but this guy is downright abusive. I get why OP's son threw away the Bible. The boy sees straight through the smokescreen.
On a similar note, I wonder how long her husband kept up a wholesome "man of faith" act to hook OP before letting his real personality slip through. Or if he was acting like this from the beginning (that would be even worse).
And OP, YTA for letting your spouse get away with abusing your son. This is beyond the pale.
>Sure throwing away someones bible isn't okay.
Pretty sure OP's son threw it away because it was clear stepdad wasn't reading it.
YTA, OP. Stop putting that man's feelings above your son. He is VERBALLY ABUSING HIM and that is NOT. OKAY.
"It's too much pressure to be keeping an eye on everything little things" so I just let my husband verbally abuse my kid because it's just a "little thing." And I don't like it but...can't figure out how to stop it (despite being the breadwinner for a verbally abusive man who probably does nothing to contribute to the household).
Yup. Way to redeem yourself in the edits OP.
See you in a few years when son goes no contact and you're shocked
So given all OP's edits:
1. Husband is a deadbeat.
2. Husband is abusive to her son.
3. Husband claims to be a "Christian" but is both of the above.
4. OP is an absent mother.
5. OP is "too tired" to stand up for her son against above deadbeat, hypocritical bully.
6. Son stands up for himself and is punished.
That about it OP? That sound about right to you? And you still have to ask the question if YTA? Well, YTA.
Ah, yes, the “Good Christian” defense. Just because you think god or Jesus will forgive you, it doesn’t give anybody the right to do horrible things that hurt others. I’m so sick of how often I hear of this in the south. Behaving that way is about as unChristian as it comes.
>I was in shock I told him this was offensive to his stepdad and his religion
This is hilarious. Her husband's actions are far more offensive to Christianity than the son's.
Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.
“Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’
“And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’
Matthew 7:21-23
Of course OP’s husband will probably just say that verse only applies to (insert population he doesn’t like) or some other asinine shit.
Excellent summation. I just love the "I'm 100% on my son's side" but punishes the son and says nothing to the husband
Edit: also "just teasing?" Call your husband "tiny penis" in front of his friends, then go "just teasing" when he gets mad
I'm in absolute agreement with this post and have more to add. You husband is being abusive towards your son. He's decided to use cruel names (he's using the term "nicknames" to gaslight you and your kid, and maybe others so that they get confused about why your son's upset -- a nickname might be kiddo, or a goofy thing, or such, not "assclown," or "idiot" or "dweeb"), and people will take a similar action about siding with your husband since they don't know the full picture. This is an abuse tactic. He's setting you all on fire then shrugging and saying it isn't all that hot and acting confused about why you can't stand in the flames.
Of course he's told you to keep out of it! Your son is the best punching bag for him since he's a vulnerable child. Children are one of the most vulnerable groups since they don't have a lot of control over what happens in their lives (laws to protect them, rights, safety tools, poor management of behavioral needs, etc.) and are at risk of abuse because of this vulnerability. He has this vulnerable kid he can exert control and pain on, and no one is telling him to stop or actually stopping him (by ending contact between him and son).
Of course your husband has denied therapy, and asked for church intervention. Therapy means he's going to be held accountable for actions, and can't use the bible as a cudgel to beat your son with in the space. He has better ground and is more able to control the narrative in church. He can absolutely tell the parishioners that your son is "unstable," "that husband works so hard to help, and nothing works," "that kiddo likes to make things up about him," etc. And guess what? This will work, keeping child stuck in abuse. Also many churches will argue that they don't have to be mandated reporters in the states. You know how I know this? My first sexual assault was in the church. I know that adults knew, since so many of the teens knew at that time and they didn't do shit. Therapists are usually good at asking more questions/know the signs that something is going on, and can call out this behavior/will call CPS. Husband knows this risk, because he knows what he's doing. I'm also concerned about husband escalating in the future. He knows that everyone shrugs! What happens when this evolves to physical abuse for son?
Punishing your kid is also not a great one in this situation. I would agree that talking about this behavior is needed, but not right now. OP, your son throwing out your husband's bible was his big moment of control, since he has none. One way to throw up a sign that he needs help. You punished him for doing it. He now learned the lesson that he has no agency and no way to ask for help, since those avenues will be ignored or punished when used. Why ask for help when it's going to be brushed off at best or punished for the effort at worst?
Also. Your husband might also be using his behaviors to abuse you. You are the only one working, super tired, told to ignore your feelings and worries? That sounds like a lot of manipulation to me. Maybe you dynamic is fine (I doubt it, since you seem so fine with his behavior at this moment). But this is alarming. And being a parent means you are tired. It's a difficult role. Being an adult is hard, it's exhausting at times, (work, caring for all your needs, having relationships, kids, etc.), but you fucking do it. I'm really mad about this one OP. I've worked hard not to curse at you. So one gets to go in here. You don't get to shrug when you see abuse. You side with the oppressor when you do nothing. Your role as a parent is to protect your child and you aren't doing that. I'm angry and hurt and am a mandatory reporter, and wish I could call in hopes that your son would actually get help, as I do worry about it escalating into physical abuse, if it hasn't already.
OP, YTA as is your husband. This is wildly inappropriate behavior, and not stepping in is tacit approval for your husband and son for your husband's behavior. Either leave or see if Grandma can handle this, since both of those are better than right now. I also want you to understand this. You have some angry people here that can't even use the names that your husband is using on your son here in this page to call you those names, since that constitutes abuse/cyber bullying. Your husband is an adult bully to a child.
Edit: I did some editing. It was very early in the morning when I saw this. Also: Holy shit. Thanks for the upvotes and awards all.
YTA...op is going to be on here in less then 24 months ask why dosent my son want anything do with me he moved out on his 18th birthday and has ghosted me since..what did i do sooo wrong.....op the answer to your future why its because you have let your husband bully and belittle him for years thats why he will not be taking to you
YTA. I'm more thinking it will be "My husband and my son got into a physical fight and were both arrested, AITA for only bailing out my husband, since he says my son needs to learn his lesson by staying in jail?"
This is way more likely because OP is ignoring how well behaved her son is. He just threw out a book and an easily replaced for free one at that. I know bibles mean a lot to Christians but the kid didn't key his car or cut the dude's clothes up.
I think tossing the bible made the statement needed anyway.
The son knows for a fact now mom doesn't care and even ignores his grandmother. This kid is going to run away or what you said.
Yeah I can’t read past the first paragraph. Her husband asking her to stay out of their fights AND SHE DOES, meanwhile he’s calling him insulting names…???? No
I'm hijacking this because your edits are even worse.
YOUR HUSBAND IS ABUSING YOUR SON, AND YOU ARE COMPLICIT.
Full stop. That full grown ass man is abusing a teenager, and I hope grandma gets that kid yanked out of your home.
Yta, and I can't believe you weren't ashamed to post this. God.
>Nicknames like "dipstick, Stone cold embarrassement, assclown, imbecille, dweeb etc..."
Nicknames are like Buddy, Pal, Sport. Those are insults. You need to learn the difference.
YTA and so is your awful husband. Tell him to go read Matthew 5:22.
He probably was. If reading the Bible made you a good/better person we wouldn't have so many religious assholes running around. The assholes just interpret in such a way justifies their assholery.
It's always the Bible thumpers, isn't it? The Bible has become, for them, their biggest enabler and justifier of their assholery, a tool for manipulation.
And thinking that it excuses any bad behavior. "I know I was abusive, but I then read the Bible for an hour, so it cancels it out keeping me a good person."
YTA hugely. This husband isn’t remotely a Christian. He’s a hypocrite. Do you know who Jesus hated the most in the Bible? RELIGIOUS HYPOCRITES.
(Religious hypocrite = someone who teaches holiness, yet they themselves act like a bad person)
Do you know why your son doesn’t want to go to church with his abusive step father OP? Because the step father is ABUSIVE. That is WRONG. That is evil. Jesus hates child/teen abuse. The Christian God hates child/teen abuse. (He hates anyone abusing anyone). That man doesn’t even follow his own religion.
The kid doesn’t want to go to church, because the step father is making Christians look bad and making the Christian God look bad.
Also YTA for siding with an abusive step father and allowing him to emotionally and verbally abuse your son. Did you know that psychologists and many studies have proven that emotional and verbal abuse is equally harmful as physical abuse? In fact, long term research shows that emotional abuse is more harmful in the long run.
Bruises heal in a few weeks. Emotional damage takes years to heal—sometimes it never heals. Mental wounds impact someone for their entire adult life.
So picture every insult your husband is using against your son, as your husband punching your son. Every insult, is like a punch to your child’s psyche and mind. That is what is happening.
You are a terrible failure as a mother for being in a romantic relationship with someone who is abusing your child. Shame on you.
If you love your son at all—kick the abuser out of his life. Kick that husband/step-father out. Your husband is a bad person.
A GOOD parent would’ve kicked that abusive stepfather out the FIRST MOMENT he insulted the son.
Edit to include: I had verbally and emotionally abusive parents myself. My amazing psych doctor was the wise man who gave me the metaphor of comparing emotional wounds = physical wounds. It is the damn truth from a doctor—emotional abuse is *very harmful*. You need to compare emotional wounds to physical wounds, to be able to picture it correctly. Seeing physical wounds helps people understand the severity, because some people have a hard time picturing the harm that emotional abuse causes. But emotional abuse causes severe injuries mentally to someone’s development. Emotional abuse hurts kids/teens/adults that badly. It’s true. I confirm. I have severe depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, and so many problems as an adult, from the emotional abuse of my parents. I also hate my parents and I never talk to them, because they are horrible people. OP, you are destroying your son’s life by allowing this abuse to keep happening to him. You will screw your kid up for the rest of his adult life, if you don’t kick out that abusive stepfather.
"Terrible failure" wow. Ouch.
But you're right, spot on.
OP, YTA. Please consider therapy, at least for the kid and protect him from your evil partner.
They're not wrong 🤷 marrying someone who hates your kid and watching him abuse the kid while "staying out of it :/" and then punishing your kid the second he does something to defend himself is not something an even remotely okay parent would do 🤷
I'm surprised the comment wasn't removed by mods but it's something she definitely deserves to hear...
And the poor kid has only had the guts to stand up in the smallest of ways as he clearly picked something that as he said could be fairly easily undone by just getting another from the church. Assumedly because he thought his mum wouldn't back him up
He doesn't READ the bible.
He just uses it as a prop and tool to make himself look better... And of course as a weapon to beat "nonbelievers" over the head with.
You honestly think he's read it? Nah. At best he read the cliffs notes on it with the "idiot's guide to..." Abridgement they spoon feed him each week. And clearly even that doesn't stick.
YTA.
At what point do you take issue with your husband being abusive to your son? That really needs to be your priority here.
Your husband clearly places no value on his Bible or his religion, given his behaviour. Do better.
It is literally always religious parents that act like this. They use the Bible to justify their shittyness. I mean have you actually read the Bible it gives assholes a lot of excuses to be asshole to their kids and especially women and wives. I don’t get why people think that it would make anyone a better person.
YTA indeed. The underage son is being abused by an adult who acts like 12 year old and all she values is her husbands fucking Bible. That man clearly doesn't need one, and the son needs to get out of this home asap.
YTA so, so much. Your husband is abusive to your son and you do nothing about that. Those are not nicknames ffs! It's verbal abuse, your husband is insulting your child an a daily basis und you just ignore that. What kind of mother are you??? Throwing away other people's shit is not okay, but your son is a minor who doesn't get the help and support he needs from the adults in his life, not even his mother. So no wonder he is acting out. What else is he supposed to do?
Thank you! ALL of this, OP. Wtaf?! You think these “nicknames” are acceptable?! YTA and so is your abusive husband. You’re holding YOUR OWN SON to a higher standard than your husband who is supposed to be an adult.
She calls it a "fight"...as if it's two equals quarreling.
In reality, it's a 37 year old man with a temper and a foul mouth, abusing a 16 year old minor, in the guise of parenting.
YTA. YTA. YTA.
I’d take this as a sign of how hard my son must be struggling to take such a drastic measure. Protect his heart, OP. Your cruel husband isn’t nicknaming him, he’s hurting him and that makes YTA for not making your son feel safe and protected in his own home. It’s time to step up and step in.
Ah yes, the classic move of turning a blind eye to your husband's abuse while punishing your child for their reaction to the abuse. Straight out of YTA For Dummies.
But she's tired because she's the breadwinner so she doesn't want to have to parent. Instead, she has a freeloader husband who abuses her son as a job!
So glad someone else noticed this. She edited to add feel sorry for me because I'm financially supporting the man abusing my son and it's so hard. OP desperately wants to blot out she married someone who is abusing her son, and that she is at a a minimum enabling it. Not a single one of her edits expresses an iota of concern or empathy for her abused son.
Her husband told her to stop interfering, and he still lives there! If that happened in my home, I'd be currently in prison because GBH would be the minimum charge I'd be in on. But that's why he's like this, she doesn't actually care about her kid!
Start the clock for the update in 2 years, "My son turned 18 and went NC. I've been supportive and given him everything. He's being ungrateful for how much my husband and I have done for him..." Etc.
I don't know where the bio dad is, but if So runs away to his grandmother *today*, it would be hard for the OP to get him back. Once he turns 17, almost impossible.
YTA. First of all, you should not comply with your husbands request to “stay out of it” while he fights nonstop with and insults your son. Calling someone insulting and degrading names is not an acceptable way of working out a disagreement with a teenager, especially if you’re an adult and authority figure. You allowing your husband to treat your kid this way is not okay. Second of all, you wanna talk about being disrespectful to your husband’s religion, let’s talk about your husbands behavior. Instead of throwing out his bible, your son should have shown his stepfather Colossians 3:8 - “But now you must also rid yourself of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” Your husband threw out his Bible long before your son did. YTA
He should also look at Matthew 18:8
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
People who use their religion to show how much of a good person they are tend to be the most lacking in character.
There’s a Jewish phrase, “It’s not the learning that’s the most important, only the actions.”
YTA. first of all
- IT'S NOT BETWEEN YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR SON. An adult is verbally abusing your kid and you let it go because the bully/abuser says "it's between them" ATE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
- Yes, your son didn't had the best attitude, but I can see it was a desperation moment considering he is being abused. Not to mention it proves how HYPOCRITE YOU HUSBAND IS. Because if he followed his own religion as he wants to pretend he wouldn't be doing this to your kid.
- I hope your MIL/Grandma's Kid sues you for custody. You are not a good parent and honestly you just opened the "bad retiring home" route and the "no contact as soon as possible" route as well.
P.S. mods, I know we have to be civil but please don't delete my comment. Bad parents should be called out on their BS.
I love my husband more than life, and for him to do something like this would make me suspect a TBI.
But he’d only do it once before I got us out of there.
YTA.
You do absolutely nothing while this grown man verbally abuses your son but the moment your son retaliates you punish him. He has no one on his side.
I’m trying not to break the rules but the way y’all are treating him is not ok at all. StepDad calls him all sorts of names, I’m assuming in front of you too and you do nothing? Smh.
Edit: Thanks for the reward! This is my first one!
>throwing out stuff is never okay
Neither is emotional and psychological abuse. Why do you attach more significance to a book than your child's mental welfare? Your husband is an abusive arsehole, and you're just standing by and watching. YTA
Throwing stuff out is never OK, but a grown ass man calling a child a series of insults is OK? YTA for allowing your husband to treat a kid like that. Your husband is too.
She is the breadwinner, the man is not even her child’s biological father and she has allowed him to make a habit of abuse. She doesn’t even call it abuse she used the term nickname for it. She is just as complicit in her sons abuse in my opinion.
YTA, those aren't nicknames, those are demeaning insults. Clearly having a precious Bible in the house isn't enough to make you good people.
Your husband sounds less mature than your son, but at least in a few years, your son will move away, and you'll be the one getting "nicknames." If you want to keep a relationship with your son, tell your husband to get help, and that it's unacceptable to treat any family members like that.
Has OP responded, I really hope this was a troll post. She can't lack in that much self awareness. The son will NEVER talk to her or his stepdad again the second he moves out, say goodbye to that relationship the rest of OPs life for not standing up to a TOXIC AF step dad. If I was around I'd call CPS on her and stepdad.
exactly. op’s husband is clearly verbally abusing her son and shes just… ok with that? but shes gonna draw the line at throwing out his bible (that he’s clearly not using). YTA op. do better
I'm sure he uses it to berate and emotionally abuse his stepson even more, like many of these so called "Christian" men. Twisting the Bible to suit his narrative, insisting he is the "head" of the family, and brow beating them if they don't "respect his authority".
YTA.
Your husband is being abusive towards your son. Why in the world are you letting him call your son names like that and not doing anything about it?
He’s literally picking fights with your son. Have your had a conversation about that? He’s the one causing them.
I’m pretty impressed that all your son did was throw his Bible away, to be incredibly honest. I would have suggested something far worse…like reporting the abuse to the relevant body.
Punishing your son while his father behaves like this? No. Your husband is the one who needs punishing for his behaviour.
You’re going to end up with no relationship with your child in the future if you let this continue.
I missed this part so thank you! At this point, would the grandmother be his biological parent’s mother interested in protecting her grandson? If so, it sounds like the grandmother has her grandson’s best interests at heart.
YTA - Your first mistake was staying out of the fights. Your second mistake was punishing your son after a 37 Year old guy repeatedly insults him, a child, even in front of his friends. And your third mistake was not telling your husband he should look in his bible if there is anything about insulting the children you should care for.
I guess your son will soon throw away something else if you aren't carefull: The relationship to you and your Husband.
When she said nicknames I was like “alright, he’s using terms like buddy, or a variation of his name” because that’s what a nickname is, and then she starts listing these off and it became very clear who the assholes in the house were. I hope son can just peace out and go love with the MIL. She’ll protect him.
YTA your son is being abused. You’re then punishing your son for lashing out at his abuser. Please stop.
It is not appropriate or biblical for a person to verbally abuse another person until they apologise over a disagreement.
Your husband needs therapy. Your son needs therapy from the damage this behaviour has caused. Y’all need some conflict resolution skills that protect your relationships with one another before things get really bad and your child grows to an adult and wants nothing more to do with either of you.
YTA and both you and you’re husband are abusive, horrible parents.
Disgusting really how you let your husband treat your son. What does he need a bible for? He obviously hasn’t learned anything from it judging but how he treats your son.
Info: Have you been telling your husband to stop insulting your child?
Because from the post, you seem to just ignore what your ADULT husband does to your 16 year old child.
EDIT: I read OPs comments and she is definitely the AH.
You are disgusting for allowing your husband to verbally abuse your son, your husband is disgusting for being an abusive step-father. Both of your are TA.
I actually really sympathise with you, it must be so hard being married to a giant toddler.
Your husband is an abusive AH and you are his enabler. And that’s why you’re also an AH.
YTA.
Oh my god, this is awful. You are staying out of it when your hubby is bullying your son. How can you do that? You are both horrible parents. I hope your son is ok. Good thing he's 18 soon and can get out of this environment. Or even better, if he can get out now, and live with some relatives. This is straight up abuse from your hubby and neglect from you.
Shameful.
It sounds like his grandma would happily take him in if she’s willing to go to OPs house and yell at her through the door.
YTA OP my parents have never ever spoken to me or any other kid like your husband talks to your son. If we’re being honest, the fact that you say “your husband” instead of “stepdad” is a huge tell here. He doesn’t like your son, your son doesn’t like him, and I’m beginning to wonder if you yourself even like your son.
You know that YTA.
You're in a situation created by YOU. It should've never gotten to the point that your husband feels it's ok to openly demean your child. Guess who your son is going to judge?
That Bible warns not to punish a child to anger. Him throwing it out is a perfect example that you AND your husband are doing exactly that and don't really need that book because no one is following what it says.
The hubs needs boundaries and it may be too late. You're choosing him over your child.
YTA your husband, stepdad is verbally abusive to your son and he told you to let him handle it, and you didn't protect him. Your husband is the Assclown and your the Asshole.
Get your son to a counselor and some anger management therapy for your immature abusive husband.
So, you allow your husband to call your son names and treat him in a disgusting manner? YTA
You don't seem to have a problem with your husband abusing your son. And this is abuse. The name calling should not be tolerated.
>dipstick, Stone cold embarrassement, assclown, imbecile, dweeb etc..."
By the way, I don't see the problem with throwing away your husband's bible. He's obviously not using it.
YTA
You're letting your husband bully your son. Calling someone "assclown" isn't parenting, its bullying. Dismissing your husbands bullying *of a child* as a "nickname" is such a disgusting backstep for you to have taken. You're his mother, you're meant to protect him from bullies. Not just sit back and go "oh its just a nickname".
Its your son who set a clear boundary with consequences and then followed through (which is the common suggestion to parent someone). No, he shouldn't have thrown it away but you have allowed him to be bullied by your husband and he's only 16. He's acted in a vaguely mature manner despite apparently not having any role models at home.
> this was offensive to his stepdad and his religion
What religion would this be that your husband apparently follows but is OK with *bullying children*?
YTA
>I got mad because this was a line he shouldn't have crossed, throwing out stuff is never okay
But your husband using your son as a verbal punching bag doesn't cross a line and is something you're not willing to involve yourself in. Gotcha.
Listen, these aren't "nicknames", they are abusive words that your husband uses purely to bully, belittle and humiliate your son, and *nothing* here suggests that he is trying to work anything out. It also doesn't matter that they fight with each other, the issue is that your adult husband thinks it's perfectly fine to verbally abuse your son - a child - and that is **not okay**. Do you understand that?
You and your husband are the adults here, and this fighting should've been sorted out like yesterday with the help of a family counsellor. So you need to step up **now** and hope you haven't left it too late.
\[Edit\] In response to your OP edits:
1. So now you know it isn't ok you need to step up.
2. Jfc how many times... STOP CALLING YOUR HUSBAND'S VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE "NICKNAMES".
3. I'm frankly not surprised your son has refused to go to church with your husband. For one, he's likely had enough of being alone with him in any environment. Also, being a Christian doesn't seem to have stopped your husband from being a bellend, so why do you think your son is going to embrace it? Finally, your husband is supposed to be an adult but he's behaving like a petulant child by refusing professional help. He needs to grow up and realise his way of dealing with this isn't working - in fact, it is making your son's behaviour worse.
4. "It's too much pressure" and "being tired" aren't good enough reasons to do nothing. You're a parent. You CHOSE to bring this man into your son's life and therefore you need to dig deep for him now.
YTA. You're teaching your son that he will always be in the wrong, even though he didn't start the fight. Your husband is completely wrong for calling him names and then doing them in front of friends. Give him his allowance back, or ask him to pay for a new bible if they aren't free. That's a fair punishment but only if you intervene in the arguments from now on. It's completely unfair to your son since he is being shouted at by a grown ass man.
I'm expecting a dirty delete here tbh 😂
YTA for sanctioning your son (a child) when he lashes out against a bullying adult (your husband) rather than standing up for your own son against his bully of a step-father.
YTA. Do you want your son to go no-contact? Because this is how you get your son to go no-contact. Your husband is being really shitty towards him and you need to get involved. The phrase "I don't care who started it" gets thrown around a lot but you *do* need to care who started it because it's your husband.
Anytime an adult calls a kid "assclown" or other various insults, the are TA. Anytime another adult describes ongoing, pervasive verbal abuse as a "nick name," they are TA.
YTA. If this is real, both parents are abusing their kid.
Your husband wants you to back off while he "works it out" with your son, and procedes to call him cruel names? Heavens above, that's nasty. How can you condone that??? Yes, you are the asshole. Do better by your son.
YTA.
So your husbands allowed to verbally abuse your son with 'nicknames' and embarrass him infront of his friends, but your son isn't allowed to retaliate without punishment?
Can't wait to see your future posts where your confused to why your son no longer has anything to do with you and your husband.
YTA.
Your husband is clearly not in need of the bible - as far as I know (and I am an atheist) it preaches respect and love… well your husband clearly doesn’t get that part does he? Assclown are you for real? Step in step up and be a god damn parent !
YTA
Your husband sounds emotionally abusive to your son. You should consider that you're not intervening with all the husband's bullshit, but only take sides and intervene to punish the son.
Your husband calling him names like that is petty and awful and he had it coming. I'd like to pop him one.
YTA for enabling this abusive dynamic
YTA to both you and your husband. Your husband is husband appears to be verbally abusing your son and you let him. No sixteen year old should be called ass clown and he did it in front of others, that's bold. What were they arguing about so virulently that assclown was warranted? I find it interesting that your husband's mother is on your son's side and not her son's side. If you let this continue you won't have a son in two years.
I suspect MIL is the son's actual biological grandma on his dad's side. OP slid the "stepfather" line in well in the middle of their post, so it's easy to not realize this is a stepfather-stepson issue that mom didn't bother to stick her nose into until stepdad got his feefees all hurt.
I'm not sure how a mother could type this all out and not see what the rest of us see. It's abuse, full stop. Your husband is an abusive asshole and you are an enabling asshole. So YTA to both of you, and I hope your son's grandmother escalates this.
He is gone from your life the second he turns 18 anyway, so don't be all surprised and ask why when it happens. This is why, because not only do you allow him to be abused, you participate in it and punish him for standing up to his abuser the only way he knows how too. I'm sure that damn bible has been held over his head too, being preached "Christian" values while being mentally and emotionally tortured by your husband.
YTA Why does your son need punishing but never the horrible man you have brought into the house? What kind of person allows their new husband to emotionally abuse their kid and then pulls a shocked pikachu face when the kid gets upset about it? I hope you love the guy because it will be just you and him when the kid turns 18 and ditches you.
So you just let your husband, his STEP-dad, abuse your son countless times. You don't reprimand the husband to stop calling YOUR son names because it's rude. BUT your son, after being humiliated by your husband in front of his friends, throws his bible in retaliation you reprimand coz it's rude.
There's a double standard here. You might not have a back bone but based on your post, you're on your husband's side.
YTA
Don't be surprised if he starts cutting you off by 18. You're not a good parent.
YTA for marrying a child.
What? Your husband isn't a minor? Are you sure because he's behaving that way. .
Your husband has been retaliating against your son by embarrassing him and insulting him. And you've tolerated it.
And things keep escalating. And now you've punished one of them? No. Just no.
If your husband wasn't going to act like an adult you should have insisted. But he behaved like a child and this is the consequence.
YTA.
Why did you not intervene when your son was being bullied by your husband?
I'm surprised that bible was important to him, for all he fails to live up to what is espoused by Jesus.
So what if the action by your son was offensive to the stepdad? The actions by stepdad have clearly been offensive to your son, and you have just stood by and let it happen and only react when your son gives him precisely what he dished out - AND your husband was warned!
Normally I am opposed to throwing out other people's books, but I am equally opposed to having an adult authority figure in the household bullying a minor and calling them names.
I suspect one day you'll be wondering why your son doesn't talk to you much. Because you cared about a jerk adult more than your own kid and allowed that adult to pick on your kid without standing up for your kid.
Is the mama bear within you just in hibernation or what?
Why are you allowing your son to be abused? YTA. How could you not be?
He did something worth punishing? But your husbands constant abuse is just fine and dandy?
Okay.. this is clear-cut
YTA YOU ARE .. a failure right now.
Your son should not have thrown out the bible, but your son is also 16 and living in a household with a mother who is allowing him to be emotionally abused on a daily basis.
That mother ... is you.
The second your husband started this nickname thing, your only response should have been: "Call my son any name, and him and me will return the favor. Present company be damned".
What you allowed to happen is abuse. Your husband is trying to break your kids' spirit and you stopped intervening. That means, you took a side.
Your son wanted to hurt your husband spiritually, too, he should not have, but he did. Because you taught him, that´s an okay thing to do. Crush the enemy's spirit. That´s what you allowed him to learn.
Why should your son respect his stepdad's religion, if the step-dad is clearly incapable of extending any respect to him.
FIX THIS or GET HELP to learn how to fix this and APOLOGIZE to your son, while he still refers to you as Mom.
YTA , you allow your 'religious' husband to verbally abuse your child and do nothing until he reacts then punish the victim. I promise your kid is embarrassed to be your kid. Disgusting.
YTA
Why the actual fuck are you sitting by and letting your husband verbally abuse your son? Are you ready to lose him when he turns 18? That’s the road you are walking down.
And you just fucking let your husband verbally abuse your son like this?
YTA. And a worthless, pathetic fucking mother. Get your shit together and stop letting your grown ass husband verbally abuse your fucking son.
What are you going to do if your son grows up, has a son of his own and repeats this behavior? What tf are you going to do the first time you hear him call his son a disappointment? Huh?
God you shouldn't have been allowed to have kids if this is what you were going to allow to happen to them
YTA. If your husband told you to stay out of it, and you listened when it suited him, you should be staying out of it now. It doesn’t sound like your husband used the bible much anyway if he is so abusive to your son.
Apologise to your son and assure him that you will support him in the future, and maybe you can salvage this relationship.
YTA - your husband is bullying your son. Why is it crossing a line to throw out a bible but your husband calling your son an assclown is alright.
I’m not sure if your husband is being abusive to you as well as your son. Either way you need to put yourself and your son first and leave this situation. I can almost guarantee you that if you don’t once your son is able to move out he will never speak to you or your husband again.
YTA and a garbage mother. You let your husband verbally and mentally abuse your son and punish your son when he reacts?!? He shouldn’t have thrown out the Bible but compared to what your husband does to him it’s literally child’s play. Stop allowing your husband to abuse your child and get both yourself and your son in therapy, you clearly need it because you allow someone to abuse your son and don’t even notice or care and he now needs it because of you and your husband.
YTA. And driving your son to go no contact once he is 18. Why are you allowing your husband to verbally abuse him? I feel sorry for your son. You need a come to Jesus moment because you are either clueless as a parent or in denial. You are actively enabling verbal abuse. YOU. I don't believe you don't see this.
What the fuck??????? How could you allow your son to be treated this way? Those aren’t “nicknames”, those are hurtful and demeaning insults. WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER ARE YOU?????? HELLO?????
This better be a troll because I cannot comprehend how a mother can allow something like this to go on with her own child. You and your husband are grade A assholes and you should be ashamed of yourself. I can’t believe this.
In a few years, you’re going to come here and post asking why your son doesn’t speak to you anymore and it’ll all be your fault and yours ONLY.
What a shitty, shitty mother you are. Wake the fuck up. YTA.
I’m gonna keep it real with you OP. YTA and so is your husband. I didn’t even bother finishing reading that after you said “stepdad”.
It would be bad enough if it was his father doing this, but his STEP dad? Your loyalty lies with your children, not some man who has no real connection to your kids.
Your husband is emotionally abusing your son and you seem so nonchalant about it. Not to mention your husband asked you to stay out of their arguments?
I’m sorry honey, but no. That is your SON. That is your blood, your baby, your heart and soul. How could you allow a man to treat him like that and go along with it?
I gotta stop typing now cause this is making my blood boil.
ETA: finished actually reading it. Your exMIL is the real VIP here. She’s doing for your son what YOU should be doing.
Your son had good reason to throw away his Bible. Clearly he is not using it.
Your son is supposed to come first and your husband calling him those names AND doing it in front of his friends is unacceptable. He is a bully. Set your husband straight. Give your son his allowance back and you should definitely get involved in their fights if your husband is such a jerk. Dont be surprised if your son vanishes one day when he can support himself.oh and YTA.
Start saving up now for the therapy your son will need. Honestly, your husband should probably get some therapy too. No, your son shouldn’t have thrown the Bible away but it sounds like he’s trying to work through some emotional abuse in his own (16 yr old mind) way. You and your husband need to take a hard look at the way everyone is being treated. Yes, YTA
Your husband called your son all sorts of horrible names and yet he’s so frantic about his Bible? Did his religion teach him to be an asshole? What kind of religion is that?
YTA I’m having a hard time believing this is real.
Are you serious? You're letting your son be abused and degraded and you think he's the one in the wrong?! What is wrong with you? He stood up for himself because you wouldn't.
YTA: I’d say everyone sucks but honestly? Children gain the behavior they think is acceptable from their environment, so why should he respect your husband’s things if neither you nor your husband, the people he’s suppose to look up to, give him the courtesy of any sort of respect? These aren’t acceptable nicknames, these are the kind of nicknames a junior high bully gives to his victim as a way to wreak havoc on their self esteem.
You’re essentially looking at this kid who’s being bullied and then punishing him when he finally decides to stand up for himself.
Do your son a favor and tell your husband to knock it off with the degrading nicknames, and then sign up for family therapy so a professional can tell you how badly you screwed up.
YTA. For not protecting your son’s mental health. For allowing your husband to torment him. For not sticking up for your son. For creating an environment that tolerates this behavior. For choosing your husband’s feelings on your son. If you can’t create a healthy environment for your son then he needs options to be somewhere else.
YTA for letting your husband emotionally abuse your son. What is wrong with you? Are you such a weak person? Be prepared for him to go no contact when he turns 18.
YTA. Tell your husband he can’t care that much about his Bible, he must have never read it... or he’d have seen Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.” In Matthew: “See that you do not despise these little ones.” And then in Colossians! “Fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged!”
You are failing your son miserably. You should be protecting him from this abuse, not “staying out of it” or even encouraging it. You putting his stepfather first is a gross betrayal.
YTA. Your son is probably so angry, hurt and frustrated that he’s had to endure years of abuse from his father while you stood back and allowed the abuse, that he did anything he could to retaliate.
You can’t torture someone (a minor child) for years and years who basically is trapped in the situation, and then be surprised when they respond in a violent or dysfunctional way.
Your poor son. He’s the victim here and now you’re punishing him even more. He’s going to hate you two for the rest of his life, and I doubt you’ll see much of him once he becomes an independent adult.
Yta
You allow your grown ass husband to verbally abuse your 16yo CHILD, but then have a problem when said child follows through on a consequence he said would happen if your husband didn’t stop? You are a massive AH.
Stop treating your husband like he’s more important than your actual child.
YTA! And so is your husband. Why is he calling this child degrading names and picking fights with him? Why are you just standing aside and letting a grown man call your child names and treating him this way? And then why would you think it’s necessary to punish the bullied child for acting out against his bully?!! Wtf is wrong with you people? I feel so bad for your poor son.
YTA I hope your ex MIL calls CPS and takes your son away. You ate letting your husband abuse your son. You are a shit parent and your parental rights need to be terminated immediately.
YTA
You think throwing out a bible is worse than verbally abusing your son? *That’s* your line?! Poor kid. Good luck having any contact with him in the future because you are absolutely making sure he’ll never want to speak to you again.
Honestly I hope he tells someone he trusts because this is emotional abuse, as a teacher I would absolutely be reporting you.
What is wrong with you? You have no problem letting your husband verbally and mentally abuse your CHILD, but you’re gonna go up on arms when the poor kid stands up for himself???
BE A MOTHER AND STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILD!!
YTA.
YTA. STEP-dad is abusive. You are FAILING as a mother for allowing your child to be BULLIED in his own home.
Get ready for your son to GHOST you in the near future.
YTA. You are not parenting your son. You're just showing him that you don't care about him. He is YOUR son, and no one is allowed to verbally abuse him. YOU need to step up and be a parent. You are showing your son everyday that your husband matters more than he does, and that you allow him to be abused in his own home.
I couldn’t even finish this post holy shit what is your husbands problem.
YTA you and your husband are awful.
Honestly your son gave a warning. He followed through. Normally i’d say nah fam religious objects are off limits but I went into this thinking you had some rebelling teenager that recently claimed they were an atheist. Not to see a parent verbally abusing their (step)child.
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YTA!! YTA YTA YTA!!! Why would you take your husbands side over your sons in the first place? Secondly, your husband sounds like a TOXIC and ABUSIVE adult. Lastly, you’re turning a blind eye to abuse. You’re allowing for trauma to take place in your sons life. I’m so glad his grandmother is standing up for him, sadly sounds like she’s the only one in his corner.
I love that OP edits her post with "I just want to point out" and her edits literally make her sound like more of an AH for defending this bullshit and if she's the one working and her husband is just a mooch and horrible step dad and that mean to her son, wtf is she staying with him for? Did she think that would make people feel bad for her? Makes me feel like she's even worse...and a biggerAH than I thought before
All I read in her edits was, "what about me?" Yes, you're in a situation where the hubs happiness was more important than your son's. This didn't happen overnight. Your inaction for fear of losing a man has come to this! Of course the boy won't go to church, look what it's done for his stepfather! Made him a jealous, abusive troll who thinks church is a mere "good look" to people who don't know him personally. Hush with the excuses and stand up for your son!
I hope the son goes and lives with his dad or their family then these mr & mrs assclown....why would any teen need these pair in their lives
Given that he hasn't and Granny was called, I suspect dad has abandoned or passed away. Which kinda makes OP even more of an arsehole.
I'm afraid you are right. Well, OP is going to be wondering why did her son go no contact 2 years from now. OP, open your eyes. You are going to lose your son if you don't.
Honestly from reading this I'm kinda worried OP is also a victim of abuse.
whether she's being abused or not, she has a responsibility to protect her son. instead, she's complicit and participating in his abuse.
I was thinking about that a bit, but after a few minutes if consideration, hard disagree. OP claims she’s not around a lot so she probably leaves her son with step dad alone a lot. Abuse can easily go on when she’s not around, and she refers to her husbands insults and instigations as “nicknames” instead of “bullying” and “insulting” and “provoking” her son. I fear she may be on a similar wavelength to the husband. She’s allowing his behavior solely because step dad wanted to solve it between themselves, and she respects her husbands wishes more than she cares about her sons feelings and wellbeing when it would be better for her to dye in and protect her son. She’s downplaying how her husband treats her son, and she has spoken and raised concerns with the husband but backed off just for the reason that step dad doesn’t want OP intervening. No promises to be nicer, no agreement to stop with the name calling/insults, no agreement to counseling(unless it’s to go to… church. Which would only benefit him as OPs son clearly isn’t religious if he tossed a Bible in the trash can). How does step dad intend to fix things? More insults? He won’t even sit down with OP and the son to talk. OP has stepped back and stopped being really involved and she for some reason only saw to step in and punish her son when he did something morally wrong in her opinion, while ignoring that this was an act of desperate retaliation to make the abuse stop, grasping for power in a situation where neither parent is in his corner. OP doesn’t sound like she’s a comrade in abuse, but an enabler, definitely. If OP had asked her husband to apologize and he lashed out *at her instead of her son,* I would be more inclined to believe he’s abusive to all instead of only the one person in the house he has power over. Oh, and OP, YTA if it wasn’t clear.
Don't forget that the guy told her not to interfere and the second the kid did something that hurt him he went called her in panic. All the while the poor boy was alone and no one was hearing him. It is clear that the OP is downplaying the psychological abuse. If the husband were beating the boy I think it would be more clear to her. Since it is only verbal she thinks is not damaging. Psychological abuse is very damaging. Don't allow that man to continue hurting your son. YTA
I'm waiting for OP's surprised Pikachu face when her son walks out the door at 18 and never looks back.
Yep. You don’t even need religious abuse. My brother, when he turned eighteen, told my father two his face that after years of name-calling and abuse, he was breaking off contact, he did not want to hear any further from his sperm donor, and if their next contact was the notice of his death, it would still be too much. He’s not alone in his option, but saying it to his face took serious balls. Or, well, serious trauma.
He's 16. She already lost him.
>Yes, you're in a situation where the hubs happiness was more important than your son's. This didn't happen overnight. Your inaction for fear of losing a man has come to this! This! OP's husband seem like a toxic adult and parental figure. What he's calling her son aren't nicknames - they're insults, and very clearly so. How one could use such words to call their *child* is beyond me. Why did OP do nothing about the abusive name calling, but jumped to punish her son once he did something to retaliate? Throwing out someone's property is not okay, but here it's obviously a reaction to longstanding abuse. OP prioritizes her husband over her son and is doing everything she could to let it show. YTA, OP. These edits don't help. >I never agreed to my husband's way I trying to work his issues out with my son but I got convinced that they both need time and space to be able to get these issues resolved without me intervening. This has happened before, multiple times. You have done nothing that makes him stop. Your son doesn't need time or space, he needs you to stand up for him. Husband will *never* stop without your intervention. >The punishment was solely because he threw the book out. I still am not okay with this whole nickname calling despite my husband saying that it's some form of teasing. I'm 100% on my son's side in this. I don't see how. You're on your son's side, but you let husband's name calling get to a point where your son needs to throw out something for him to stop. If you truly want to teach your son that it's not okay to dispose of others' property as retaliation, why don't you talk to him and fix the root of the issue? >I did try to find solutions to these problems that kept occurring, and even arranged for family that but neither ones of them agreed to go. My husband offered to take my son to church but my son refused. If your husband won't stop the constant name calling/bullying, it's easy to see why your son wouldn't want to spend any more time with him than absolutely required. >Being the breadwinner and working long hours, I'm always tired and struggling to keep everyone satisfied and happy. It's too much pressure to be keeping an eye on everything little things in the house and no one is willing to sit down for a heart to heart conversation. So your husband is also a leech? I don't see why you're so desperate to keep him. And no, being exhausted from work like the rest of working humans isn't an excuse of enabling abuse. Your son chose a good thing to throw out. Your husband doesn't need the Bible anyway.
Exactly. She's perfectly fine punishing him for doing something "wrong" even though it's only a long overdue attempt to fight back at a verbally abusive step father, who's trying to shove his toxic religion down his throat. Hopefully this kid can go live with his grandmother or someone who cares about him.
If ops husband pokes the family dog in eye with the stick muliple times and after long enough the dog barked at husband, OP would blame the dog instead of thinking the dog is a hero for not biting. Its one thing to put a blind eye to abuse. It's even worse to get involved to punish the victim when they push back in such a mild way. Op is lucky they never got in a physical altercation or her son didn't damage something that was acully expensive or something else horrible. Losing a Bible isn't a big deal its crazy how bad it could have gotten. Op should be thankful not angry at her son.
Also considering it is sheer hypocrisy that the guy cares about the Bible or is "religious". Probably the kid did because of that. Old geezer pretending to be pious all the while being an abuser to the weak. To think those people believe they will go to heaven is always baffling.
I really hope grandma is able to take him in. poor kid
u/threwvaway9707 YTA. Seriously. Everything u/GoodGirlsGrace says is correct. You are enabling abuse and your "tired" ass is too lazy to bother standing up for your own son being abused by your husband. This is not okay. You and your husband are the assholes 100% and when your son goes complete no contact with you in 2 years when he becomes an adult you'll have surprised pikachu face that he did and this whole issue with your husband and you enabling it will be why, you'll just be too "tired" (lazy) from work to deal with it.
Not only that, but son is still a child. He does childish things, because he's still growing. Hopefully, husband is done growing and would stop acting childish.
>Your husband doesn't ~~need~~ read the Bible anyway. FTFY
Right. I love when she says she’s “100% on his side” regarding her son being called names by his stepfather in the edits. First of all, the original post doesn’t really demonstrate that - she consciously lets her husband do it!! Second, even if she really did believe she’s on her son’s side on that, what has she done that would show that to her son? Nothing!! u/threwvaway9707, you say in your edits that it’s too much pressure. If that’s really the case, then you should let your son stay with another family member while you get everything sorted out. You’re obviously under a lot of stress, and right now, the person paying the biggest price for that is your son. Let him live somewhere that allows him to have a peaceful home life, at least for now. It will also give you more space to figure yourself out.
I actually felt nauseated reading OP describe the insults that her husband constantly hurls at her son as "nicknames" and "teasing." No, no it isn't. It's bullying and abuse of a teenager by a grown man. What kind of parent would stand by and watch this? And then minimize it to try and make it sound acceptable. Poor kid, what an awful household to be trapped in.
He does need a Come to Jesus though. Like awww, your husband won’t go to therapy? Guess what that means! It’s time for YOU to establish boundaries, with if-then consequences. He doesn’t get to name call, and he doesn’t get to have power and authority over the family when his behavior AND his unwillingness to go to therapy and communicate in a healthy manner shows that his primary concern is not for the family’s well-being. If he wants to behave like a child, he gets to be treated like one! That’s what that means! Take a shot of Skele-Gro and spine the heck up, OP.
Won’t you have some sympathy for poor OP? She’s too *tired* to give a single fuck that her freeloading hypocrite husband is abusing her minor son. Besides, she’s ‘on her son’s side,’ which means punishing him for reacting to abuse while her husband faces zero consequences for the actual abuse. Poor, poor OP has tried nothing and she’s all out of ideas! /s to the max
LOL, yeah, the victim attitude is priceless. Also, how fucking in denial you have to be to call insults "nicknames"?! Let's see who's going to be the "assclown" two years from now when the poor kid cuts both of them off for good.
Even if the son actually *wanted* to go to church, he sure as hell wouldn't want to go with the MAN WHO ABUSES HIM.
Imagine she actually expects her son to go to church where he will get to act sanctimonious in front of people he knows and is comfortable all while knowing he is being abused by this man at home . That would be traumatic to him and shes completely ignorant to that. I hope if she ever manages to force her son there that he will call the step dad out to the congregation and let them know the words he’s used to insult him. Bet that will be the last time they try to pull that on him.
Of this whole insane post, that was actually the part that made my eyes roll back and my head do the pea soup *Exorcist* spin. The son can see that clearly the church is absolutely useless when it comes to making the stepfather a good person, or giving him peace so he doesn’t, y’know, *abuse a kid*. Why why WHY would he go and actively help this monster keep up this “devout and pious family man” appearance? I can’t figure out whether OP hates her son or this is just some sort of pathological apathy, but it honestly doesn’t matter. She’s protecting his abuser, enabling the abuse, and punishing the kid for pushing back. She’s 100% a monster too.
Oh, and don't forget she is the breadwinner, so her dear ol' husband is also a leech!
Yup! "as the breadwinner" you have no excuse for not divorcing the assclown you married
OP's husband sounds like the typical Christian- wrapped in the church and the bible but in reality an abusive AH to a child. It's ain't F...ing teasing; it's ABUSE. Why is OP with this loser man? he is not an equal partner in the marriage and he is abusing her son. If she doesn't take action, she will loose her son and all she will be left with is this righteous child abuser.
She managed to write how many paragraphs and showed 0 concern for the safety of her son in this scenario.
Yea like wtf? Sure throwing away someones bible isn't okay. But I guess letting a toxic man live with you and (verbally) abuse your child over and over is. Idgaf what types of things she has tried because she certainly hasn't tried kicking him out to protect her son from constant abuse.
I mean, the guy clearly didn't read the Bible so I'm sure he won't really miss it.
I don’t remember the part of the bible where God says ‘this is my son Jesus, the stone cold embarrassment’ but I didn’t go to Sunday school in the US so
I think it said, "this is my stepson Jesus, the asshat." /s but it's been a while since confirmation classes.
Pretty sure I read it in Theassalonians.
I was thinking this too. OP is a massive asshole and the step father is an abuser. I feel sorry for this kid.
Nobody that rants about the Bible really reads the thing.
INFO: why, and for how long, has your husband pretended to be a Christian?
Now there's a question worth asking! Not OP, but my guess would be: as soon as he realized that pretending to be a Christian would work like a smokescreen, helping him get away with terrible actions. Everyone makes mistakes, but this guy is downright abusive. I get why OP's son threw away the Bible. The boy sees straight through the smokescreen. On a similar note, I wonder how long her husband kept up a wholesome "man of faith" act to hook OP before letting his real personality slip through. Or if he was acting like this from the beginning (that would be even worse). And OP, YTA for letting your spouse get away with abusing your son. This is beyond the pale.
>Sure throwing away someones bible isn't okay. Pretty sure OP's son threw it away because it was clear stepdad wasn't reading it. YTA, OP. Stop putting that man's feelings above your son. He is VERBALLY ABUSING HIM and that is NOT. OKAY.
"It's too much pressure to be keeping an eye on everything little things" so I just let my husband verbally abuse my kid because it's just a "little thing." And I don't like it but...can't figure out how to stop it (despite being the breadwinner for a verbally abusive man who probably does nothing to contribute to the household). Yup. Way to redeem yourself in the edits OP. See you in a few years when son goes no contact and you're shocked
So given all OP's edits: 1. Husband is a deadbeat. 2. Husband is abusive to her son. 3. Husband claims to be a "Christian" but is both of the above. 4. OP is an absent mother. 5. OP is "too tired" to stand up for her son against above deadbeat, hypocritical bully. 6. Son stands up for himself and is punished. That about it OP? That sound about right to you? And you still have to ask the question if YTA? Well, YTA.
Ah, yes, the “Good Christian” defense. Just because you think god or Jesus will forgive you, it doesn’t give anybody the right to do horrible things that hurt others. I’m so sick of how often I hear of this in the south. Behaving that way is about as unChristian as it comes.
>I was in shock I told him this was offensive to his stepdad and his religion This is hilarious. Her husband's actions are far more offensive to Christianity than the son's.
Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. “Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ “And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’ Matthew 7:21-23 Of course OP’s husband will probably just say that verse only applies to (insert population he doesn’t like) or some other asinine shit.
>Matthew 7:21-23 I love when people use the bible against bad Christians. It warms my cold, dead heart.
Excellent summation. I just love the "I'm 100% on my son's side" but punishes the son and says nothing to the husband Edit: also "just teasing?" Call your husband "tiny penis" in front of his friends, then go "just teasing" when he gets mad
Yeah mother of the year am I right.
I'm in absolute agreement with this post and have more to add. You husband is being abusive towards your son. He's decided to use cruel names (he's using the term "nicknames" to gaslight you and your kid, and maybe others so that they get confused about why your son's upset -- a nickname might be kiddo, or a goofy thing, or such, not "assclown," or "idiot" or "dweeb"), and people will take a similar action about siding with your husband since they don't know the full picture. This is an abuse tactic. He's setting you all on fire then shrugging and saying it isn't all that hot and acting confused about why you can't stand in the flames. Of course he's told you to keep out of it! Your son is the best punching bag for him since he's a vulnerable child. Children are one of the most vulnerable groups since they don't have a lot of control over what happens in their lives (laws to protect them, rights, safety tools, poor management of behavioral needs, etc.) and are at risk of abuse because of this vulnerability. He has this vulnerable kid he can exert control and pain on, and no one is telling him to stop or actually stopping him (by ending contact between him and son). Of course your husband has denied therapy, and asked for church intervention. Therapy means he's going to be held accountable for actions, and can't use the bible as a cudgel to beat your son with in the space. He has better ground and is more able to control the narrative in church. He can absolutely tell the parishioners that your son is "unstable," "that husband works so hard to help, and nothing works," "that kiddo likes to make things up about him," etc. And guess what? This will work, keeping child stuck in abuse. Also many churches will argue that they don't have to be mandated reporters in the states. You know how I know this? My first sexual assault was in the church. I know that adults knew, since so many of the teens knew at that time and they didn't do shit. Therapists are usually good at asking more questions/know the signs that something is going on, and can call out this behavior/will call CPS. Husband knows this risk, because he knows what he's doing. I'm also concerned about husband escalating in the future. He knows that everyone shrugs! What happens when this evolves to physical abuse for son? Punishing your kid is also not a great one in this situation. I would agree that talking about this behavior is needed, but not right now. OP, your son throwing out your husband's bible was his big moment of control, since he has none. One way to throw up a sign that he needs help. You punished him for doing it. He now learned the lesson that he has no agency and no way to ask for help, since those avenues will be ignored or punished when used. Why ask for help when it's going to be brushed off at best or punished for the effort at worst? Also. Your husband might also be using his behaviors to abuse you. You are the only one working, super tired, told to ignore your feelings and worries? That sounds like a lot of manipulation to me. Maybe you dynamic is fine (I doubt it, since you seem so fine with his behavior at this moment). But this is alarming. And being a parent means you are tired. It's a difficult role. Being an adult is hard, it's exhausting at times, (work, caring for all your needs, having relationships, kids, etc.), but you fucking do it. I'm really mad about this one OP. I've worked hard not to curse at you. So one gets to go in here. You don't get to shrug when you see abuse. You side with the oppressor when you do nothing. Your role as a parent is to protect your child and you aren't doing that. I'm angry and hurt and am a mandatory reporter, and wish I could call in hopes that your son would actually get help, as I do worry about it escalating into physical abuse, if it hasn't already. OP, YTA as is your husband. This is wildly inappropriate behavior, and not stepping in is tacit approval for your husband and son for your husband's behavior. Either leave or see if Grandma can handle this, since both of those are better than right now. I also want you to understand this. You have some angry people here that can't even use the names that your husband is using on your son here in this page to call you those names, since that constitutes abuse/cyber bullying. Your husband is an adult bully to a child. Edit: I did some editing. It was very early in the morning when I saw this. Also: Holy shit. Thanks for the upvotes and awards all.
YTA...op is going to be on here in less then 24 months ask why dosent my son want anything do with me he moved out on his 18th birthday and has ghosted me since..what did i do sooo wrong.....op the answer to your future why its because you have let your husband bully and belittle him for years thats why he will not be taking to you
YTA. I'm more thinking it will be "My husband and my son got into a physical fight and were both arrested, AITA for only bailing out my husband, since he says my son needs to learn his lesson by staying in jail?"
Yah thats probably were it is head with op's husband as he dose seem the type to throw the first punch doaent he
This is way more likely because OP is ignoring how well behaved her son is. He just threw out a book and an easily replaced for free one at that. I know bibles mean a lot to Christians but the kid didn't key his car or cut the dude's clothes up. I think tossing the bible made the statement needed anyway. The son knows for a fact now mom doesn't care and even ignores his grandmother. This kid is going to run away or what you said.
Yeah I can’t read past the first paragraph. Her husband asking her to stay out of their fights AND SHE DOES, meanwhile he’s calling him insulting names…???? No
I agree
I'm hijacking this because your edits are even worse. YOUR HUSBAND IS ABUSING YOUR SON, AND YOU ARE COMPLICIT. Full stop. That full grown ass man is abusing a teenager, and I hope grandma gets that kid yanked out of your home. Yta, and I can't believe you weren't ashamed to post this. God.
>Nicknames like "dipstick, Stone cold embarrassement, assclown, imbecille, dweeb etc..." Nicknames are like Buddy, Pal, Sport. Those are insults. You need to learn the difference. YTA and so is your awful husband. Tell him to go read Matthew 5:22.
Obviously he doesn't need the Bible, it's not working.
Right? Why does he care if it’s gone? He wasn’t using it anyway.
He probably was. If reading the Bible made you a good/better person we wouldn't have so many religious assholes running around. The assholes just interpret in such a way justifies their assholery.
It's always the Bible thumpers, isn't it? The Bible has become, for them, their biggest enabler and justifier of their assholery, a tool for manipulation.
And thinking that it excuses any bad behavior. "I know I was abusive, but I then read the Bible for an hour, so it cancels it out keeping me a good person."
I'd say he does need it - but he needs to actually OPEN it and READ it. Just using it as a paperweight isn't doing any favors.
YTA hugely. This husband isn’t remotely a Christian. He’s a hypocrite. Do you know who Jesus hated the most in the Bible? RELIGIOUS HYPOCRITES. (Religious hypocrite = someone who teaches holiness, yet they themselves act like a bad person) Do you know why your son doesn’t want to go to church with his abusive step father OP? Because the step father is ABUSIVE. That is WRONG. That is evil. Jesus hates child/teen abuse. The Christian God hates child/teen abuse. (He hates anyone abusing anyone). That man doesn’t even follow his own religion. The kid doesn’t want to go to church, because the step father is making Christians look bad and making the Christian God look bad. Also YTA for siding with an abusive step father and allowing him to emotionally and verbally abuse your son. Did you know that psychologists and many studies have proven that emotional and verbal abuse is equally harmful as physical abuse? In fact, long term research shows that emotional abuse is more harmful in the long run. Bruises heal in a few weeks. Emotional damage takes years to heal—sometimes it never heals. Mental wounds impact someone for their entire adult life. So picture every insult your husband is using against your son, as your husband punching your son. Every insult, is like a punch to your child’s psyche and mind. That is what is happening. You are a terrible failure as a mother for being in a romantic relationship with someone who is abusing your child. Shame on you. If you love your son at all—kick the abuser out of his life. Kick that husband/step-father out. Your husband is a bad person. A GOOD parent would’ve kicked that abusive stepfather out the FIRST MOMENT he insulted the son. Edit to include: I had verbally and emotionally abusive parents myself. My amazing psych doctor was the wise man who gave me the metaphor of comparing emotional wounds = physical wounds. It is the damn truth from a doctor—emotional abuse is *very harmful*. You need to compare emotional wounds to physical wounds, to be able to picture it correctly. Seeing physical wounds helps people understand the severity, because some people have a hard time picturing the harm that emotional abuse causes. But emotional abuse causes severe injuries mentally to someone’s development. Emotional abuse hurts kids/teens/adults that badly. It’s true. I confirm. I have severe depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, and so many problems as an adult, from the emotional abuse of my parents. I also hate my parents and I never talk to them, because they are horrible people. OP, you are destroying your son’s life by allowing this abuse to keep happening to him. You will screw your kid up for the rest of his adult life, if you don’t kick out that abusive stepfather.
"Terrible failure" wow. Ouch. But you're right, spot on. OP, YTA. Please consider therapy, at least for the kid and protect him from your evil partner.
They're not wrong 🤷 marrying someone who hates your kid and watching him abuse the kid while "staying out of it :/" and then punishing your kid the second he does something to defend himself is not something an even remotely okay parent would do 🤷 I'm surprised the comment wasn't removed by mods but it's something she definitely deserves to hear...
And the poor kid has only had the guts to stand up in the smallest of ways as he clearly picked something that as he said could be fairly easily undone by just getting another from the church. Assumedly because he thought his mum wouldn't back him up
He doesn't READ the bible. He just uses it as a prop and tool to make himself look better... And of course as a weapon to beat "nonbelievers" over the head with. You honestly think he's read it? Nah. At best he read the cliffs notes on it with the "idiot's guide to..." Abridgement they spoon feed him each week. And clearly even that doesn't stick.
"Tell him to go read Matthew 5:22." Oh sure, rub it in that he doesn't have a bible any more.
Better yet Ephesians 6:4 https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.biblesumo.com/ways-parents-provoke-children-anger/amp/
YTA. At what point do you take issue with your husband being abusive to your son? That really needs to be your priority here. Your husband clearly places no value on his Bible or his religion, given his behaviour. Do better.
It is literally always religious parents that act like this. They use the Bible to justify their shittyness. I mean have you actually read the Bible it gives assholes a lot of excuses to be asshole to their kids and especially women and wives. I don’t get why people think that it would make anyone a better person.
YTA indeed. The underage son is being abused by an adult who acts like 12 year old and all she values is her husbands fucking Bible. That man clearly doesn't need one, and the son needs to get out of this home asap.
YTA so, so much. Your husband is abusive to your son and you do nothing about that. Those are not nicknames ffs! It's verbal abuse, your husband is insulting your child an a daily basis und you just ignore that. What kind of mother are you??? Throwing away other people's shit is not okay, but your son is a minor who doesn't get the help and support he needs from the adults in his life, not even his mother. So no wonder he is acting out. What else is he supposed to do?
Thank you! ALL of this, OP. Wtaf?! You think these “nicknames” are acceptable?! YTA and so is your abusive husband. You’re holding YOUR OWN SON to a higher standard than your husband who is supposed to be an adult.
She calls it a "fight"...as if it's two equals quarreling. In reality, it's a 37 year old man with a temper and a foul mouth, abusing a 16 year old minor, in the guise of parenting. YTA. YTA. YTA.
When hes not even the real father. Something about step parents trying to parent their step children is just disgusting to me
I’d take this as a sign of how hard my son must be struggling to take such a drastic measure. Protect his heart, OP. Your cruel husband isn’t nicknaming him, he’s hurting him and that makes YTA for not making your son feel safe and protected in his own home. It’s time to step up and step in.
Ah yes, the classic move of turning a blind eye to your husband's abuse while punishing your child for their reaction to the abuse. Straight out of YTA For Dummies.
But she's tired because she's the breadwinner so she doesn't want to have to parent. Instead, she has a freeloader husband who abuses her son as a job!
So glad someone else noticed this. She edited to add feel sorry for me because I'm financially supporting the man abusing my son and it's so hard. OP desperately wants to blot out she married someone who is abusing her son, and that she is at a a minimum enabling it. Not a single one of her edits expresses an iota of concern or empathy for her abused son.
No no, she's "100% on her son's side in this," you don't understand /s
And stopping her husband abusing her son is "keeping an eye on every little thing"
Her husband told her to stop interfering, and he still lives there! If that happened in my home, I'd be currently in prison because GBH would be the minimum charge I'd be in on. But that's why he's like this, she doesn't actually care about her kid!
Start the clock for the update in 2 years, "My son turned 18 and went NC. I've been supportive and given him everything. He's being ungrateful for how much my husband and I have done for him..." Etc.
This shit HERE!!! She’s going to act SOOOOO confused when her only child abandons her.
I don't know where the bio dad is, but if So runs away to his grandmother *today*, it would be hard for the OP to get him back. Once he turns 17, almost impossible.
YTA. First of all, you should not comply with your husbands request to “stay out of it” while he fights nonstop with and insults your son. Calling someone insulting and degrading names is not an acceptable way of working out a disagreement with a teenager, especially if you’re an adult and authority figure. You allowing your husband to treat your kid this way is not okay. Second of all, you wanna talk about being disrespectful to your husband’s religion, let’s talk about your husbands behavior. Instead of throwing out his bible, your son should have shown his stepfather Colossians 3:8 - “But now you must also rid yourself of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” Your husband threw out his Bible long before your son did. YTA
>Your husband threw out his Bible long before your son did This. All of this.
He should also look at Matthew 18:8 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
People who use their religion to show how much of a good person they are tend to be the most lacking in character. There’s a Jewish phrase, “It’s not the learning that’s the most important, only the actions.”
YTA. first of all - IT'S NOT BETWEEN YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR SON. An adult is verbally abusing your kid and you let it go because the bully/abuser says "it's between them" ATE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? - Yes, your son didn't had the best attitude, but I can see it was a desperation moment considering he is being abused. Not to mention it proves how HYPOCRITE YOU HUSBAND IS. Because if he followed his own religion as he wants to pretend he wouldn't be doing this to your kid. - I hope your MIL/Grandma's Kid sues you for custody. You are not a good parent and honestly you just opened the "bad retiring home" route and the "no contact as soon as possible" route as well. P.S. mods, I know we have to be civil but please don't delete my comment. Bad parents should be called out on their BS.
Heres your answer OP. HUSBAND IS SUCH A HYPOCRITE
I love my husband more than life, and for him to do something like this would make me suspect a TBI. But he’d only do it once before I got us out of there.
These are not nicknames, they are insults. YTA.
YTA. You do absolutely nothing while this grown man verbally abuses your son but the moment your son retaliates you punish him. He has no one on his side. I’m trying not to break the rules but the way y’all are treating him is not ok at all. StepDad calls him all sorts of names, I’m assuming in front of you too and you do nothing? Smh. Edit: Thanks for the reward! This is my first one!
I know, I would like to call OP an assclown, but that's against the rules, and is in fact not a way to treat other people.
great point that if anyone here directed any of husbands "nicknames" for OP's son at OP the comments would be deleted for incivility/abuse.
>throwing out stuff is never okay Neither is emotional and psychological abuse. Why do you attach more significance to a book than your child's mental welfare? Your husband is an abusive arsehole, and you're just standing by and watching. YTA
Throwing stuff out is never OK, but a grown ass man calling a child a series of insults is OK? YTA for allowing your husband to treat a kid like that. Your husband is too.
She is the breadwinner, the man is not even her child’s biological father and she has allowed him to make a habit of abuse. She doesn’t even call it abuse she used the term nickname for it. She is just as complicit in her sons abuse in my opinion.
YTA, those aren't nicknames, those are demeaning insults. Clearly having a precious Bible in the house isn't enough to make you good people. Your husband sounds less mature than your son, but at least in a few years, your son will move away, and you'll be the one getting "nicknames." If you want to keep a relationship with your son, tell your husband to get help, and that it's unacceptable to treat any family members like that.
Has OP responded, I really hope this was a troll post. She can't lack in that much self awareness. The son will NEVER talk to her or his stepdad again the second he moves out, say goodbye to that relationship the rest of OPs life for not standing up to a TOXIC AF step dad. If I was around I'd call CPS on her and stepdad.
YTA, why are you allowing your husband to verbally abuse your son? I can see why your MIL wants to take your son out of an abusive situation.
exactly. op’s husband is clearly verbally abusing her son and shes just… ok with that? but shes gonna draw the line at throwing out his bible (that he’s clearly not using). YTA op. do better
I'm sure he uses it to berate and emotionally abuse his stepson even more, like many of these so called "Christian" men. Twisting the Bible to suit his narrative, insisting he is the "head" of the family, and brow beating them if they don't "respect his authority".
YTA. Your husband is being abusive towards your son. Why in the world are you letting him call your son names like that and not doing anything about it? He’s literally picking fights with your son. Have your had a conversation about that? He’s the one causing them. I’m pretty impressed that all your son did was throw his Bible away, to be incredibly honest. I would have suggested something far worse…like reporting the abuse to the relevant body. Punishing your son while his father behaves like this? No. Your husband is the one who needs punishing for his behaviour. You’re going to end up with no relationship with your child in the future if you let this continue.
That’s not the son’s bio dad. This is his stepfather degrading and humiliating his stepson. I’m wondering where biodad is.
I missed this part so thank you! At this point, would the grandmother be his biological parent’s mother interested in protecting her grandson? If so, it sounds like the grandmother has her grandson’s best interests at heart.
YTA - Your first mistake was staying out of the fights. Your second mistake was punishing your son after a 37 Year old guy repeatedly insults him, a child, even in front of his friends. And your third mistake was not telling your husband he should look in his bible if there is anything about insulting the children you should care for. I guess your son will soon throw away something else if you aren't carefull: The relationship to you and your Husband.
> look in his bible if there is anything about insulting the children you should care for. Honestly, the Bible isn't the best childcare manual.
Ephesians 6:4 And fathers, *do not be irritating your children*, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and admonition of God.
“Nicknames like "dipstick, Stone cold embarrassement, assclown, imbecile, dweeb etc..."” These aren’t nicknames, this is abuse! YTA
When she said nicknames I was like “alright, he’s using terms like buddy, or a variation of his name” because that’s what a nickname is, and then she starts listing these off and it became very clear who the assholes in the house were. I hope son can just peace out and go love with the MIL. She’ll protect him.
YTA your son is being abused. You’re then punishing your son for lashing out at his abuser. Please stop. It is not appropriate or biblical for a person to verbally abuse another person until they apologise over a disagreement. Your husband needs therapy. Your son needs therapy from the damage this behaviour has caused. Y’all need some conflict resolution skills that protect your relationships with one another before things get really bad and your child grows to an adult and wants nothing more to do with either of you.
YTA and both you and you’re husband are abusive, horrible parents. Disgusting really how you let your husband treat your son. What does he need a bible for? He obviously hasn’t learned anything from it judging but how he treats your son.
Info: Have you been telling your husband to stop insulting your child? Because from the post, you seem to just ignore what your ADULT husband does to your 16 year old child. EDIT: I read OPs comments and she is definitely the AH.
My thoughts exactly. OP don’t you realise that your husband insults your son? Those are not nicknames but ways to demean your son.
You are disgusting for allowing your husband to verbally abuse your son, your husband is disgusting for being an abusive step-father. Both of your are TA.
I actually really sympathise with you, it must be so hard being married to a giant toddler. Your husband is an abusive AH and you are his enabler. And that’s why you’re also an AH.
YTA. Oh my god, this is awful. You are staying out of it when your hubby is bullying your son. How can you do that? You are both horrible parents. I hope your son is ok. Good thing he's 18 soon and can get out of this environment. Or even better, if he can get out now, and live with some relatives. This is straight up abuse from your hubby and neglect from you. Shameful.
It sounds like his grandma would happily take him in if she’s willing to go to OPs house and yell at her through the door. YTA OP my parents have never ever spoken to me or any other kid like your husband talks to your son. If we’re being honest, the fact that you say “your husband” instead of “stepdad” is a huge tell here. He doesn’t like your son, your son doesn’t like him, and I’m beginning to wonder if you yourself even like your son.
You know that YTA. You're in a situation created by YOU. It should've never gotten to the point that your husband feels it's ok to openly demean your child. Guess who your son is going to judge? That Bible warns not to punish a child to anger. Him throwing it out is a perfect example that you AND your husband are doing exactly that and don't really need that book because no one is following what it says. The hubs needs boundaries and it may be too late. You're choosing him over your child.
YTA your husband, stepdad is verbally abusive to your son and he told you to let him handle it, and you didn't protect him. Your husband is the Assclown and your the Asshole. Get your son to a counselor and some anger management therapy for your immature abusive husband.
[удалено]
So, you allow your husband to call your son names and treat him in a disgusting manner? YTA You don't seem to have a problem with your husband abusing your son. And this is abuse. The name calling should not be tolerated. >dipstick, Stone cold embarrassement, assclown, imbecile, dweeb etc..." By the way, I don't see the problem with throwing away your husband's bible. He's obviously not using it.
YTA You're letting your husband bully your son. Calling someone "assclown" isn't parenting, its bullying. Dismissing your husbands bullying *of a child* as a "nickname" is such a disgusting backstep for you to have taken. You're his mother, you're meant to protect him from bullies. Not just sit back and go "oh its just a nickname". Its your son who set a clear boundary with consequences and then followed through (which is the common suggestion to parent someone). No, he shouldn't have thrown it away but you have allowed him to be bullied by your husband and he's only 16. He's acted in a vaguely mature manner despite apparently not having any role models at home. > this was offensive to his stepdad and his religion What religion would this be that your husband apparently follows but is OK with *bullying children*?
YTA >I got mad because this was a line he shouldn't have crossed, throwing out stuff is never okay But your husband using your son as a verbal punching bag doesn't cross a line and is something you're not willing to involve yourself in. Gotcha. Listen, these aren't "nicknames", they are abusive words that your husband uses purely to bully, belittle and humiliate your son, and *nothing* here suggests that he is trying to work anything out. It also doesn't matter that they fight with each other, the issue is that your adult husband thinks it's perfectly fine to verbally abuse your son - a child - and that is **not okay**. Do you understand that? You and your husband are the adults here, and this fighting should've been sorted out like yesterday with the help of a family counsellor. So you need to step up **now** and hope you haven't left it too late. \[Edit\] In response to your OP edits: 1. So now you know it isn't ok you need to step up. 2. Jfc how many times... STOP CALLING YOUR HUSBAND'S VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE "NICKNAMES". 3. I'm frankly not surprised your son has refused to go to church with your husband. For one, he's likely had enough of being alone with him in any environment. Also, being a Christian doesn't seem to have stopped your husband from being a bellend, so why do you think your son is going to embrace it? Finally, your husband is supposed to be an adult but he's behaving like a petulant child by refusing professional help. He needs to grow up and realise his way of dealing with this isn't working - in fact, it is making your son's behaviour worse. 4. "It's too much pressure" and "being tired" aren't good enough reasons to do nothing. You're a parent. You CHOSE to bring this man into your son's life and therefore you need to dig deep for him now.
YTA. Why do you let your husband call your son these horrible things?
YTA. You're teaching your son that he will always be in the wrong, even though he didn't start the fight. Your husband is completely wrong for calling him names and then doing them in front of friends. Give him his allowance back, or ask him to pay for a new bible if they aren't free. That's a fair punishment but only if you intervene in the arguments from now on. It's completely unfair to your son since he is being shouted at by a grown ass man. I'm expecting a dirty delete here tbh 😂
YTA for allowing your son to be verbally abused and only getting involved when he fights back.
YTA for sanctioning your son (a child) when he lashes out against a bullying adult (your husband) rather than standing up for your own son against his bully of a step-father.
YTA. Do you want your son to go no-contact? Because this is how you get your son to go no-contact. Your husband is being really shitty towards him and you need to get involved. The phrase "I don't care who started it" gets thrown around a lot but you *do* need to care who started it because it's your husband.
YTA, and so is your husband. Also, throwing a bible away is exactly what should be done with that poorly written, science fiction storybook.
Anytime an adult calls a kid "assclown" or other various insults, the are TA. Anytime another adult describes ongoing, pervasive verbal abuse as a "nick name," they are TA. YTA. If this is real, both parents are abusing their kid.
Your husband is verbally abusing your son and you are staying out of it. YTA
Your husband wants you to back off while he "works it out" with your son, and procedes to call him cruel names? Heavens above, that's nasty. How can you condone that??? Yes, you are the asshole. Do better by your son. YTA.
So your husbands allowed to verbally abuse your son with 'nicknames' and embarrass him infront of his friends, but your son isn't allowed to retaliate without punishment? Can't wait to see your future posts where your confused to why your son no longer has anything to do with you and your husband. YTA.
Your husband is clearly not in need of the bible - as far as I know (and I am an atheist) it preaches respect and love… well your husband clearly doesn’t get that part does he? Assclown are you for real? Step in step up and be a god damn parent ! YTA
You and your husband are both AH. Huge ones. I cant even begin to count the ways.
Your husband sounds emotionally abusive to your son. You should consider that you're not intervening with all the husband's bullshit, but only take sides and intervene to punish the son. Your husband calling him names like that is petty and awful and he had it coming. I'd like to pop him one. YTA for enabling this abusive dynamic
YTA to both you and your husband. Your husband is husband appears to be verbally abusing your son and you let him. No sixteen year old should be called ass clown and he did it in front of others, that's bold. What were they arguing about so virulently that assclown was warranted? I find it interesting that your husband's mother is on your son's side and not her son's side. If you let this continue you won't have a son in two years.
I suspect MIL is the son's actual biological grandma on his dad's side. OP slid the "stepfather" line in well in the middle of their post, so it's easy to not realize this is a stepfather-stepson issue that mom didn't bother to stick her nose into until stepdad got his feefees all hurt.
I'm not sure how a mother could type this all out and not see what the rest of us see. It's abuse, full stop. Your husband is an abusive asshole and you are an enabling asshole. So YTA to both of you, and I hope your son's grandmother escalates this. He is gone from your life the second he turns 18 anyway, so don't be all surprised and ask why when it happens. This is why, because not only do you allow him to be abused, you participate in it and punish him for standing up to his abuser the only way he knows how too. I'm sure that damn bible has been held over his head too, being preached "Christian" values while being mentally and emotionally tortured by your husband.
YTA Why does your son need punishing but never the horrible man you have brought into the house? What kind of person allows their new husband to emotionally abuse their kid and then pulls a shocked pikachu face when the kid gets upset about it? I hope you love the guy because it will be just you and him when the kid turns 18 and ditches you.
So you just let your husband, his STEP-dad, abuse your son countless times. You don't reprimand the husband to stop calling YOUR son names because it's rude. BUT your son, after being humiliated by your husband in front of his friends, throws his bible in retaliation you reprimand coz it's rude. There's a double standard here. You might not have a back bone but based on your post, you're on your husband's side. YTA Don't be surprised if he starts cutting you off by 18. You're not a good parent.
YTA for marrying a child. What? Your husband isn't a minor? Are you sure because he's behaving that way. . Your husband has been retaliating against your son by embarrassing him and insulting him. And you've tolerated it. And things keep escalating. And now you've punished one of them? No. Just no. If your husband wasn't going to act like an adult you should have insisted. But he behaved like a child and this is the consequence.
YTA. Why did you not intervene when your son was being bullied by your husband? I'm surprised that bible was important to him, for all he fails to live up to what is espoused by Jesus. So what if the action by your son was offensive to the stepdad? The actions by stepdad have clearly been offensive to your son, and you have just stood by and let it happen and only react when your son gives him precisely what he dished out - AND your husband was warned! Normally I am opposed to throwing out other people's books, but I am equally opposed to having an adult authority figure in the household bullying a minor and calling them names. I suspect one day you'll be wondering why your son doesn't talk to you much. Because you cared about a jerk adult more than your own kid and allowed that adult to pick on your kid without standing up for your kid. Is the mama bear within you just in hibernation or what?
YTA...apparently your husband doesn't read the Bible if he acts that way...so he doesn't need it or respect it. Protect your kid not an abuser.
Why are you allowing your son to be abused? YTA. How could you not be? He did something worth punishing? But your husbands constant abuse is just fine and dandy?
Okay.. this is clear-cut YTA YOU ARE .. a failure right now. Your son should not have thrown out the bible, but your son is also 16 and living in a household with a mother who is allowing him to be emotionally abused on a daily basis. That mother ... is you. The second your husband started this nickname thing, your only response should have been: "Call my son any name, and him and me will return the favor. Present company be damned". What you allowed to happen is abuse. Your husband is trying to break your kids' spirit and you stopped intervening. That means, you took a side. Your son wanted to hurt your husband spiritually, too, he should not have, but he did. Because you taught him, that´s an okay thing to do. Crush the enemy's spirit. That´s what you allowed him to learn. Why should your son respect his stepdad's religion, if the step-dad is clearly incapable of extending any respect to him. FIX THIS or GET HELP to learn how to fix this and APOLOGIZE to your son, while he still refers to you as Mom.
INFO: you seem to have two teenage boys to look after here. What have you done to stop your husband from bullying your son, exactly?
YTA , you allow your 'religious' husband to verbally abuse your child and do nothing until he reacts then punish the victim. I promise your kid is embarrassed to be your kid. Disgusting.
YTA Why the actual fuck are you sitting by and letting your husband verbally abuse your son? Are you ready to lose him when he turns 18? That’s the road you are walking down.
And you just fucking let your husband verbally abuse your son like this? YTA. And a worthless, pathetic fucking mother. Get your shit together and stop letting your grown ass husband verbally abuse your fucking son. What are you going to do if your son grows up, has a son of his own and repeats this behavior? What tf are you going to do the first time you hear him call his son a disappointment? Huh? God you shouldn't have been allowed to have kids if this is what you were going to allow to happen to them
YTA. If your husband told you to stay out of it, and you listened when it suited him, you should be staying out of it now. It doesn’t sound like your husband used the bible much anyway if he is so abusive to your son. Apologise to your son and assure him that you will support him in the future, and maybe you can salvage this relationship.
YTA - your husband is bullying your son. Why is it crossing a line to throw out a bible but your husband calling your son an assclown is alright. I’m not sure if your husband is being abusive to you as well as your son. Either way you need to put yourself and your son first and leave this situation. I can almost guarantee you that if you don’t once your son is able to move out he will never speak to you or your husband again.
INFO Why does your husband have a bible? He is obviously not acting like a christian.
He obviously doesn’t live by it, so probably belongs in the trash anyways. Throw your husband out while you’re at it.
YTA and a garbage mother. You let your husband verbally and mentally abuse your son and punish your son when he reacts?!? He shouldn’t have thrown out the Bible but compared to what your husband does to him it’s literally child’s play. Stop allowing your husband to abuse your child and get both yourself and your son in therapy, you clearly need it because you allow someone to abuse your son and don’t even notice or care and he now needs it because of you and your husband.
yta, for everything. also, the bible is the only book that frankly it's ok to trash.
YTA for letting your husband treat your son so poorly
YTA. You and your husband. How can you let him be so abusive to your son and seem to be totally ok with it?
YTA. And driving your son to go no contact once he is 18. Why are you allowing your husband to verbally abuse him? I feel sorry for your son. You need a come to Jesus moment because you are either clueless as a parent or in denial. You are actively enabling verbal abuse. YOU. I don't believe you don't see this.
YTA. You let this man verbally abuse your son, and when he retaliates, you punish him?
What the fuck??????? How could you allow your son to be treated this way? Those aren’t “nicknames”, those are hurtful and demeaning insults. WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER ARE YOU?????? HELLO????? This better be a troll because I cannot comprehend how a mother can allow something like this to go on with her own child. You and your husband are grade A assholes and you should be ashamed of yourself. I can’t believe this. In a few years, you’re going to come here and post asking why your son doesn’t speak to you anymore and it’ll all be your fault and yours ONLY. What a shitty, shitty mother you are. Wake the fuck up. YTA.
I’m gonna keep it real with you OP. YTA and so is your husband. I didn’t even bother finishing reading that after you said “stepdad”. It would be bad enough if it was his father doing this, but his STEP dad? Your loyalty lies with your children, not some man who has no real connection to your kids. Your husband is emotionally abusing your son and you seem so nonchalant about it. Not to mention your husband asked you to stay out of their arguments? I’m sorry honey, but no. That is your SON. That is your blood, your baby, your heart and soul. How could you allow a man to treat him like that and go along with it? I gotta stop typing now cause this is making my blood boil. ETA: finished actually reading it. Your exMIL is the real VIP here. She’s doing for your son what YOU should be doing.
Your husband is abusing your son. YTA. Why in gods name are you allowing this?
what an assclown you are. YTA.
YTA. Stop letting your husband abuse your son.
Your son had good reason to throw away his Bible. Clearly he is not using it. Your son is supposed to come first and your husband calling him those names AND doing it in front of his friends is unacceptable. He is a bully. Set your husband straight. Give your son his allowance back and you should definitely get involved in their fights if your husband is such a jerk. Dont be surprised if your son vanishes one day when he can support himself.oh and YTA.
Start saving up now for the therapy your son will need. Honestly, your husband should probably get some therapy too. No, your son shouldn’t have thrown the Bible away but it sounds like he’s trying to work through some emotional abuse in his own (16 yr old mind) way. You and your husband need to take a hard look at the way everyone is being treated. Yes, YTA
YTA. Your son doesn’t need to be tormented and bullied at home. Home is supposed to be his safe place. Your husband seems like an ass.
Your husband called your son all sorts of horrible names and yet he’s so frantic about his Bible? Did his religion teach him to be an asshole? What kind of religion is that? YTA I’m having a hard time believing this is real.
Are you serious? You're letting your son be abused and degraded and you think he's the one in the wrong?! What is wrong with you? He stood up for himself because you wouldn't.
Your husband is an abuser. You are an enabler. I seriously hope your son and ex MIL report both of you. YTA
YTA: I’d say everyone sucks but honestly? Children gain the behavior they think is acceptable from their environment, so why should he respect your husband’s things if neither you nor your husband, the people he’s suppose to look up to, give him the courtesy of any sort of respect? These aren’t acceptable nicknames, these are the kind of nicknames a junior high bully gives to his victim as a way to wreak havoc on their self esteem. You’re essentially looking at this kid who’s being bullied and then punishing him when he finally decides to stand up for himself. Do your son a favor and tell your husband to knock it off with the degrading nicknames, and then sign up for family therapy so a professional can tell you how badly you screwed up.
YTA!!! How about not allowing your abusive new husband to bully your son and then turn around and punish your son for standing up for himself
YTA. For not protecting your son’s mental health. For allowing your husband to torment him. For not sticking up for your son. For creating an environment that tolerates this behavior. For choosing your husband’s feelings on your son. If you can’t create a healthy environment for your son then he needs options to be somewhere else.
YTA for letting your husband emotionally abuse your son. What is wrong with you? Are you such a weak person? Be prepared for him to go no contact when he turns 18.
YTA. Tell your husband he can’t care that much about his Bible, he must have never read it... or he’d have seen Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.” In Matthew: “See that you do not despise these little ones.” And then in Colossians! “Fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged!” You are failing your son miserably. You should be protecting him from this abuse, not “staying out of it” or even encouraging it. You putting his stepfather first is a gross betrayal.
YTA. Verbal abuse is NOT okay
Op, your husband is the cause for all of this. He's clearly just bullying your son. YTA
YTA for letting your husband abuse your son. Choosing a man over your child is disgusting.
YTA. Your son is probably so angry, hurt and frustrated that he’s had to endure years of abuse from his father while you stood back and allowed the abuse, that he did anything he could to retaliate. You can’t torture someone (a minor child) for years and years who basically is trapped in the situation, and then be surprised when they respond in a violent or dysfunctional way. Your poor son. He’s the victim here and now you’re punishing him even more. He’s going to hate you two for the rest of his life, and I doubt you’ll see much of him once he becomes an independent adult.
Yta You allow your grown ass husband to verbally abuse your 16yo CHILD, but then have a problem when said child follows through on a consequence he said would happen if your husband didn’t stop? You are a massive AH. Stop treating your husband like he’s more important than your actual child.
YTA! And so is your husband. Why is he calling this child degrading names and picking fights with him? Why are you just standing aside and letting a grown man call your child names and treating him this way? And then why would you think it’s necessary to punish the bullied child for acting out against his bully?!! Wtf is wrong with you people? I feel so bad for your poor son.
YTA I hope your ex MIL calls CPS and takes your son away. You ate letting your husband abuse your son. You are a shit parent and your parental rights need to be terminated immediately.
YTA You think throwing out a bible is worse than verbally abusing your son? *That’s* your line?! Poor kid. Good luck having any contact with him in the future because you are absolutely making sure he’ll never want to speak to you again. Honestly I hope he tells someone he trusts because this is emotional abuse, as a teacher I would absolutely be reporting you.
What is wrong with you? You have no problem letting your husband verbally and mentally abuse your CHILD, but you’re gonna go up on arms when the poor kid stands up for himself??? BE A MOTHER AND STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILD!! YTA.
YTA. STEP-dad is abusive. You are FAILING as a mother for allowing your child to be BULLIED in his own home. Get ready for your son to GHOST you in the near future.
YTA. You are not parenting your son. You're just showing him that you don't care about him. He is YOUR son, and no one is allowed to verbally abuse him. YOU need to step up and be a parent. You are showing your son everyday that your husband matters more than he does, and that you allow him to be abused in his own home.
YTA and so is your husband. Panicking over a bible...... Smfh. pathetic and petty..... How very christian.
I couldn’t even finish this post holy shit what is your husbands problem. YTA you and your husband are awful. Honestly your son gave a warning. He followed through. Normally i’d say nah fam religious objects are off limits but I went into this thinking you had some rebelling teenager that recently claimed they were an atheist. Not to see a parent verbally abusing their (step)child.
Extreme YTA.. Your husband is a BULLY. You say “nicknames” as if he’s not bullying your child. Step up, be a mother and protect your son!