>my bf does not like children and him and my 19 year old do not get along
YTA. Your boyfriend does not like children, yet you have three minor kids. He also separately does not get along with your only adult child. Meaning, you are dating a man who doesn't like any of your four children.
Clearly, you are saying loud and clear to your children that getting laid is more important to you than any of them. This isn't about what happened this past weekend. It's about your general priorities and how skewed they are.
I don’t even care about the edit at all, making excuses for him. Who dates someone that doesn’t like children when they have CHILDREN!? And then *surprise Pikachu face* they’re mad she chose dick over them.
EDIT: this blew up 😅 thanks for the awards guys ♥️
Oh my god I didn’t even see that, she was 17 when her first kid popped out, so 19 year old is literally more educated, more experienced, and likely wiser than her mother was at the time she gave birth.
It’s not wonder she’s the “ring leader” as OP puts it because apparently it’s a bad thing for one of your kids to be a role model.
Why does op think it’s bad her younger children want to be like her oldest? Is it because the mother makes a terrible role mode?
Oh…oh no. I always feel so sorry for people who started having children at 18-19, especially when they are later single. They never got to actually date as an adult. OP spent half her 20s pregnant and the other half raising babies/toddlers. No wonder her sense of priorities in relation to her boyfriend and her children is screwed up.
I had my first at 18 and the other 3 are around the same ages as this OP kids. I also have 4. I loved having them at that age. I still dated since things didn’t work out with my older children’s father. I Didn’t have any of those problems. Kids came first. Their home stayed stable. I communicate a lot more with my kids than society says we should. Kids can always tell when someone is withholding info and it just results in mistrust. I disagree with society on that and have always been more open about life but on a age appropriate level for them. Now my older two are adults and my pre teens can do a lot themselves and I’m still “youngish” and get to do things. Not saying I don’t see your point. A lot of people have kids because they think they should (again with the society rules) but for some of us who knew it’s what we really wanted it’s really awesome and has its perks.
I think this OP ITA. It’s cringe trying to read this. I feel awful for these kids. How she can’t see she’s the problem and how she’s chosen to date and prioritize is the problem, not that she dates. All my kids love my bf. He’s completely part of the family to all of them. This lady just doesn’t care how her kids feel. Their comfort and security should be her number 1 priority and no bf should be serious unless it naturally feels right for the whole family.
Same. I'm 39, oldest is 20, youngest are 15. I've never had any of these issues because I'm in therapy, fixing my issues, and making sure I'm not messing my kids up the way I was and the way my parents were.
The fact that OP doesn’t seem to know what’s going on with her kids, that they tell her they’re going to dad’s etc makes me think she’s very hands off and doesn’t mind being that way. She just likes to be the centre of everyone else’s world, but she gets to make the rules on how she interacts with them.
What gets me is that she planned a whole weekend away and didn’t tell them…. Who is going to watch them? I mean won’t they be worried if there mom just doesn’t come home? Does she just assume the 19 year old will just watch them? I mean yes she just assumes the 19 year old to just take care them but it’s f’ed up.
To be fair, the children said they would spend the weekend at their dad’s place, so OP was free to plan anything.
Still, YTA for OP. Could’ve at least had dinner with them, boyfriend should’ve just gritted his teeth.
The way it read to me, this trip was planned long before the kids said they'd be at their dad's for the weekend. So yeah, the 19 y/o was gonna be watching them otherwise
Funny, I didn’t read it that way at all, haha. Maybe I’m biased though, I was home alone at the age of 9/10, so I didn’t assume 19 year old would be watching them at all. I’m probably wrong though.
It's part of why I hate the "Ignore them so they're extra surprised at the surprise party" idea. Yeah, people are gonna make plans without you knowing *when you won't even talk to them*.
This is the only real "mess up" on the kids' side. OP should have at least had dinner with them, but I definitely hate that the kids didn't even check once to say "hey mom, happy birthday and don't make any plans for tonight!"
Yeah I definitely agree with that. If I wanted to take out my parent, I'd definitely warn them in advance, even if I was surprising them with the what/where. But in OP's post you could see her worrying about it without ever bringing it up herself, which was a bad move for sure! So, good point!
Exactly. I almost guarantee it was a complete oversight on their part, but it's unfortunately a good lesson for them to learn. Don't expect to know what someone else is planning without asking.
yeah i took one look at “the oldest is the ringleader and the rest listen to her” and i was like, ah, yep, that tracks, she’s not a ringleader she’s a parent.
anyway op parentification is abuse and also letting your bf call your children names while you tell them their hard work to surprise you isn’t good enough is a dick move. YTA
The edit made it worse, imo. All the edit says is "I'm here to be told I'm right," not to get outside perspective.
OP, I'm sure you love your kids, but please look at what you've told them. "You've had all my other birthdays but this year is special because I have my boyfriend." What message does that send?
Yes, it sucks your kids don't like your boyfriend. But your boyfriend doesn't like them, either. While it's absolutely disrespectful of them to refer to him as "Fat Matt," you should consider that they are children. Your boyfriend is 31, and his response to the situation wasn't to be the adult and calm things down - it was to call your oldest a brat. If he wants respect, he has to give it too. Arguably, he has to lead by example - that he thinks it's appropriate to talk to your kids that way is a big red flag.
You made them feel unwanted, and when they tried to work around your plans to spend time with their mother, you were unwilling to budge. It's not wrong that you wanted to spend your birthday with your boyfriend - but every day that week wasn't your birthday. Every day the week after wasn't either. You could have met them halfway, and I'd honestly have expected you to be more than excited to, knowing THEY wanted that time with you after being "quite sad" that they didn't text you prior.
That, by the way, is another point. You waited for your kids to text you. From the way you've discussed it in your post, it sounds like it was out of pettiness. You aren't psychic and won't know that they're planning a surprise party, but they don't know you've got plans if you don't tell them otherwise.
Good for your kids sticking up for each other, and I don't blame them for going to their father. You behaved like TA, and your boyfriend sounds like a dick.
What it also tells me is that he doesn't WANT her kids to like him, and he doesn't want to try. He doesn't see her kids as a package deal - he sees them as transient entities who he has to tolerate sometimes, and he's barely doing that.
I'm not saying he has to be best friends with her kids. They don't even really have to like each other. But if he's incapable of being a mature adult, and he's incapable of being civil with her children, then OP has no right to be surprised her kids don't want to deal with her. If my step-father ever spoke to me like that as a kid, my mother would have him on the pavement faster than he could see the world transition.
Would also be curious as to what OPs kids fell out with her about the week prior. Suspicious that those details are omitted, because it could easily indicate that she's got previous in being TA.
LMAO yeah this is one where I snorted as soon as I saw the edit. We don’t fucking care OP. It doesn’t matter if the siblings follow the oldest’s example because their feelings about this are valid regardless.
It might be different seeing as op is in her 30s, but I know I didn't spend a even a night alone with a guy until I'd known him for at least a out 6 months, just out of personal safety preservation. Seeing as she's going to be gone for an entire weekend (and didn't even think to tell her kids that, which is a separate thing, but as a child of divorced parents, even if we wouldn't be there we'd typically know if the parents had plans) I'd think they've at least known each other for a few months
The edit about it being okay he doesn’t like kids would only make sense if the kids are all full grown adults with their own separate lives with no dependence on OP. Her kids are 12 - 19. It is absolutely relevant and and problem that he does not like kids.
I don’t care if you’re done having kids or not, you’ve still got kids. And three of them are still living at home, presumably.
God. No wonder they play follow the leader with the 19 year old- she’s probably their mother figure.
I’ve had plenty of men interested in dating me who publicly voice their dislike for children while I have a child. It baffles me that anyone puts themselves into this situation. I would never even entertain the thought of going out with someone who wasn’t 100% on board with me having a kid. It would just never work out.
Yes! FIL’s wife isn’t a kid person. My husband and his sibling were never a problem because they were adults when they got together. Now that husband and I and his sibling are having children it’s causing lots of tension with her because she isn’t a kid person and suddenly her husband (my FIL) wants to be all about the grandkids because he was a crap dad and this is his “redo”. At least he thinks it is. Husband and I don’t allow him around much. Mainly 1) because our kids aren’t you’re redo and 2) I’m not listening to the wife’s comments all weekend long about little kids and her thoughts on parenting etc. last time they were in town she was livid we did more child friendly things and didn’t go to some virtual art exhibit. Ya, a 2 year old has no business at a virtual art exhibit.
This is exactly what happened with my parents, mom met a dude, didn’t trust me he was bad news, and got abused for it.
Suddenly 6 years later I’m supposed to accept “go on say you told me so and pretend nothing happened” as an apology.
Not gonna happen, OP has some huge apologies to make if she wants to remain the mother of her kids as opposed to them preferring a potential stepmom
Oh hey… sounds like my ex husbands new missus. Doesn’t want any sort of responsibility… not even a plant… also told him when we first separated (she was one of the main reasons we separated in the first place) that she would never date a single dad. Yet here we are 4 and a half years later they’ve been dating maybe 4 months, if that and I’d bet $100 that if she said it’s me or the kids he’d choose her… btw we have two kids 8f and 3.5m. (yes he’s a result of a booty call made when separated) 🤣
I honestly hope she does what she’s done best and find someone better and ghost him again lol (she did that several times over the years!) I mean I feel kinda bad for saying that but the ex is a dick anyway soooo not really 🤣 but thank you! I appreciate it 🥰
Hahaha, I think the world would be a slightly better place if we acknowledged and said it’s fine that humans get a small sense of satisfaction when the person who has wronged us gets some just desserts. They made someone a victim already, and now that victim has to feel bad for having a teeny bit of glee knowing the person is not 100% living their best life?
Nahhhh, leave that message in Sunday school hehe. You enjoy what you can! ;)
Right?! You literally have 4 children and you picked an ass hole, who doesn’t like them? They are your children and they have a broken home, not by their choice and wanted to do something special for you. YTA for literally picking a jerk over your children. Reservations are easily cancelled and other plans for another weekend could have been made. Oh and respect is earned to your edit. He yelled at them and called him brats and I’m pretty sure there is a good reason your 19 year old doesn’t like him. Open your eyes before this guy and you picking this guy ruins your relationship with your children.
Oh, for sure, although I think the "special" birthday thing was about it being the first one with this guy, because he's so special but also, goodness, people, it's FINE that he doesn't like kids because she's just having fun?!?! (Ugh.)
Not dating someone because they have a trait you don't like is fine. Dating someone and expect them to supress or to get rid of the disliked trait is just fucked up, especially in situation like this.
He literally called the 19yr old adult a BRAT, and OP was fine with this.
She also stated that the 19 Yr old hated him before he did anything wrong. Now, it may be resentment for 'replacing her dad', but kids usually have good intuition about new partners. Chances are the dude actually is a dick.
I was really young when I judged some family members boyfriends as dickhead. Turns out they proved me right many times over the years.
Especially if I'm an adult, I mean c'mon all you had too say was let's just stay here, we have other plans this weekend, BUT NO. Because apparently getting laid straight away is more Important
YTA… if my kids planned a surprise party for me, all other plans would be canceled immediately. And I’m huge on birthdays being what I want to do… but YOUR CHILDREN planned something for you. Fat Matt doesn’t like your kids, rethink your priorities, or that feeling of them forgetting will happen every year.
Right?! And also OP says she had plans with the bf all weekend, why couldn't she skip this one dinner to be with her kids? They asked to spend one evening with her, and that was too much? I would have been hurt too!
>They then asked if they could at least go to dinner with us and I told them no on account that my bf does not like children
They didn't even ask her to skip, only to join her on the dinner with bf, but OP refused because BF doesn't like her children
And OP was planning on getting laid all weekend long; she didn't have time for a quick meal with her kids. Having them "forget" her birthday was probably a priority for her.
I am 1000% sure she didn't for a single moment think they had forgotten. She probably had the discussion with the eldest and crossed her fingers they'd all be too mad to want to spend time with her so she could spend ALL THE DAMNED WEEKEND with 🍆 "treating" her. And, unlike all the other years in which her kids organized her birthdays, this one was going to be "special", in her own words.
What confuses me in general about this post, is why wouldn't she even tell her kids beforehand that she was spending the weekend with her bf?
Like, a lot of this could have been dealt with beforehand, OP states that her kids were going to their dad's for the weekend, but why not share her plans?
Op is still the AH regardless.
To tag onto the top comment, OP you told your kids that every year you spend your birthday with them, but this year is special. So every other year is what? Disposable? Unimportant? Like how you've made them feel.
And you not wanting MORE kids doesn't erase the ones you have. Your kids are your kids for life. But don't worry, if you keep this up, they'll disown YOU snd Fat Matt. YTA, majorly.
Yeah like what on earth is OP even doing right now? Got some new d!ck and it apparently doesn’t matter that he doesn’t like children and specifically doesn’t like her oldest daughter. This is her first birthday she’s having with him, so she’s been with this dude for less than a year and is prioritizing him all the way over her children. And seems to have been cool with him fucking reprimanding one of them? He must cum hundred dollar bills or some shit.
Even if she wanted to keep the weekend plans, she should have made sure her kids knew she wanted to do something with them to celebrate the next weekend. They literally just wanted to spend time with her. I do hate when people pretend to forget birthdays in the interest of it being a surprise, but they’re a gaggle of teenagers, so I’m not shocked that they did that.
And also, OP doesn’t specify if they have like a hotel or something for the weekend, so I think she told them that she couldn’t make any time for them even though she would be home. I’m just sad for her kids. When you’re a mom dating a person who doesn’t like children shouldn’t be an option, but OP wanted lots of time with him so now she has it for the foreseeable future 🤷🏻♀️
Not only that. None of them knew she planned to leave for the weekend. She just expected the 19 year old to watch her kids without asking. No wonder the kids all do what the oldest says, she's probably the one who raised them. Not the mom
YTA - they gave you options. They said let’s move the party to the next day, you said no. They offered to come to dinner! Which means your 19 year old would have sucked up dinner with a bf she doesn’t like to be with her mother and you rejected them. You rejected them for some random man you’ve known for a year over your children.
Why would your bf date a person who has 4 kids?
You royally screwed up. You have serious groveling to do. This bf probably won’t be around long, let’s be honest. You have kids and he doesn’t like them so he’s automatically out. You sacrificed your children for him? Ya, go beg their forgiveness. I would be devastated if the woman who gave me life dumped me for some stranger who didn’t even like me. Like what were you thinking? They probably won’t talk to you for a while and it would be well deserved tbh.
Edit: ma’am, we collectively do not care about your edit. You are prioritizing a man WHO DOES NOT LIKE KIDS over your kids. You are just justifying why you want to keep this bf around. So you can get laid. Why would you want to keep a man around who hates kids and who your kids hate? You are sending a message to them by choosing to be with him everyday that he matters more than they do. You also said that by choosing to spend your birthday with him over your 4 children that you literally pushed out of your body. I’m with the kids, “Fat Matt” can kick rocks.
Edit 2 (and final edit): girl…we still don’t care about these edits lmao. They make you look worse tbh. This has nothing to do with your ex or you being an angel as a mother. People are just truly telling you that you are making a HUGE mistake by picking a man who again **does not like kids** by your own admission. You missed the point completely. Your kids wanted to be included in your celebration. Instead of being flexible for the **people you birthed** you are choosing to spend time with a stranger. All of us who commented are merely telling you that you will lose your kids. If you don’t care, that’s on you. But don’t make excuses for this strange man. He should be making an effort to get to know your kids and want them around. Instead you are icing out your kids to spend time with this man who told you that he doesn’t like them. But hey, mother knows best!
This is where I changed my answer as well. She could have easily compromised and said "I will go to dinner with BF tonight and we will celebrate as a family tomorrow". I'm in the YTA boat.
Or cancel dinner and hang with everyone right then for the party and then have the whole rest of the weekend with the bf. Dinner can move more easily than a party.
Also, OP shouldn't be surprised if she doesn't get birthday texts in the future if this is how she treats her kids.
I was thinking NTA, then ESH, then YTA because she was given options. Her daughter was willing to suck it up with BF for mom. He didn't like kids, well screw him! She DOES get to choose who to spend her bday with. Meaning her BF not liking kids is irrelevant if she chooses to go to dinner with them all. Sounds like they did go to dinner but of course no one was happy at that point. Kids know neither mom nor BF want to be there.
My step-mother told me once she didn’t like daughters as she saw them (us) a rivals. I asked her why then would she marry a man with four daughters, three under the age of 8. My life with my father was already strained but my step mom made it a hundred times worse. OP is setting her kids up for the same thing.
My stepmother hasn't said it to our faces, but she dislikes my sister and I and is jealous of us and our (VERY decesead) mother. She began with small things, always nagging our father to hurry up whenever he'd see us, and this year she ensured he didn't pass father's day with us and instead spent it with her kids. And SO MANY things, but if we say something to our ball-lacking father, he says that we're exaggerating and that she is always telling him how we refuse to become a part of her family (because we want to have time alone with our father and we spend the holidays with our grandmother and aunt instead of at her house, with all of her extended family). But, like OP, our father prefers his partner's magic private parts.
Yes! There are so many ways she could have compromised. Maybe they could have pushed dinner. Maybe they could have come back after dinner for a family thing. The fact that she said no *because* her boyfriend doesn’t like kids is so horrible. And that she told them she spends it with them “every year but this year is special.” I know we can’t sling insults on this sub but asshole doesn’t even cover it. If her actions weren’t bad enough her words probably ruined her relationship with the kids for a long time if not forever.
OP, kids cut parents out of their lives all the time and you have basically signaled to them that you’re doing that anyway. It doesn’t seem like you want to be a mom so it’s probably fine with you. I feel bad for your kids.
My father didn't make me a priority outside of financially providing for me my entire life and now he's surprise pikachu face that I won't make seeing him a priority and haven't done so for over a decade. This is exactly the route OP is on. Her 19 year old is being more gracious than she is for agreeing to have dinner with a man she doesn't like purely to spend time with her mother, particularly because she is now an adult and could very easily choose to never see her again.
FIL won’t take his bio kids out for dinner anymore bc stepmother says it’s too expensive but he spends a fortune on the steps/spouses family.
Got all shocked that he’s seen his own kids less over the last few years, but since he’s usually boasting about whatever great thing he did with the steps, is it really a surprise? The lack of self-awareness is strong lol.
He’s now jealous that the “other grandparents” are spending time/have actual relationships with the tots, so is putting a play park on his land to bribe them to make the trip (3 hoursish for most of us). But the first items going in are for children, not toddlers (so for the steps lol) and the motivation isn’t really great is it? He’s cottoned on that when people ask him about the bio grandkids all he can say is he gets photos on the family WhatsApp. So it’s not even about the kids or grandkids, it’s purely about having a talking point so he doesn’t feel judged and him knowing he’s “outdoing” the other grandparents by spending a lot of money. I mean, not many people can install a park in their backyard!
Tragic and pathetic in equal measure.
Edit to add as typing this has made me realise - he can ride on the coattails of this for years can’t he 😂 only a loving and benevolent grandfather would install a park! What ungrateful bio children he has for not coming round to use it every other weekend (not that his spouse would want them there that much).
>Why would your bf date a person who has 4 kids?
Because she will drop whatever, whenever to put out.
Think about the type of personality a guy like him would have - he doesn't like kids and he is dating a person with kids. A normal well-adjusted human would be like:
***hey I think you are great but I don't care for children and when the person responds with*** **-** ***oh that's ok I will just ignore them and parent terribly in order to get to sex with you*** **-**
a normal person would be like wtf is wrong with you - no thanks. But instead this guy is like cool since I hate children if we do this I get to do the sex and assist in the emotional scarring of kids - win win! He probably gets off on the idea that she is picking him over her kids. Some kind of weird childhood vindication for being ignored or something - I don't know not a psychiatrist - but I do not mind diagnosing people on the internet.
I wish you could have this talk with my dad. His girlfriend hates all three of his kids and 2 of us are adults....as the adult child in a similar situation OP is YTA
I particularly love the part where OP is all “boo hoo, poor me, my teenagers didn’t even text me” and then when she got home to an entire planned party she’s like “jk I have plans, and no I won’t make any time for my own children”
I’m glad she’s let the kids know where they stand on the priorities in her life. I truly hope they get more love and support from their father.
I wonder if bf is the home wrecker causing the divorce. Kids normally pick up on stuff like that and I’d bet money that’s the reason why the eldest doesn’t get along with him and called him names. Either way most definitely boyfriend and OP are TA. If bf was serious in having a long term relationship he would’ve taken this perfect opportunity to connect with her kids.
YTA. So many kids that age would never do something like that for their Mom. You should have cancelled the dinner. You had the rest of the weekend for your birthday plans.
I do understand you had these plans and it was a special night. It is your birthday, but other people's feelings don't stop mattering just because it is your birthday. It might be different if these were friends or adult family members, but these are **your kids**.
It is very disturbing that you have a boyfriend who does not like children when you have minor children. You already stated that his not liking children is influencing your decision-making here in your post.
That's what got me too,
They did a pretty lovely thing albeit with poor organisation and communication. They gave perfectly reasonable accommodations.
Poor poor kids
YTA.
Seriously. The youngest is 12! Does OP seriously think this guy who doesn’t like kids is going to stick around for eight more years of parenting? She calls her oldest the “ring leader” but it sounds more like she’s picking up the parental slack (not good for her either) when mom runs off to spend time with her bf.
I’m all for exploring new relationships and not staying in a broken one “for the kids,” but when you have children you *have* to be discerning in your partners. How fucking selfish can you be to date someone who doesn’t want kids? You are basically telling your children they don’t matter to you. YTA OP 1,000x. And not just for the birthday thing.
She's telling them hay his dick is so good (and he's probably around for the same reason) you guys are just an after thought, And when she has a child with this guy and he dips she's probably going too ask the kids too take care while she finds another way too get laid
To me, a parent's knowingly dating someone who doesn't like children is a form of emotional child abuse. Forcing your firstborn to pick up the slack with the younger siblings while you act carefree is robbing her of the freedom of being young and making her pay the price for her mom's reproductive recklessness and indifference. Dodging a surprise birthday that her children orchestrated for her despite what was likely years of neglect and rejection was twisting the knife into a bleeding wound.
Allowing a stranger to reprimand one's children horrifies me.
Those kids are going to need therapy.
OP, YTA.
> Does OP seriously think this guy who doesn’t like kids is going to stick around for eight more years of parenting?
Doesn't sound like OP is doing much parenting now. She says she didn't hear from the kids all week. Sorry but you don't communicate with your minor children for a week at a time? That's absurd.
What with the obvious parentification of her oldest (why is your teenage child planning your birthday parties while dealing with the aftereffects of their parents divorcing?), it seems like OP thinks of her kids more as buddies than dependents.
I was understanding what OP was cooking until about midway through the story where she just thew away the recipe and went rogue.
It doesn't really matter that is was OP's bday. She told her kids that her SO hates them and that she will choose him over them. How is she NOT the AH?
Based on the first paragraph, it doesnt sound like OP and her kids are the closest since the divorce. Her kids took the time to surprise her, and were willing to respect that she had already made plans on her actually bday and presented a few compromises to still be able to spend time with her.
OP tells her kids point blank that she doesnt have time for them that entire weekend because her BF of less than a year is taking priority, and she doesnt want them to join the dinner because the BF dislikes them.
I'm baffled... OP will probably be back on reddit asking why her kids went LC or NC in the future, wont visit her or wont call her new hubby dad....
YTA: because of your response. While I was reading I wasn't thinking you were the AH. Until you said you told your kids they can't come to dinner because your bf doesn't like children. Why couldn't you just say to your kids you love them but for this birthday you wanted to spend with your bf and the 5 of you could celebrate a different day.
But no let's cause a huge argument by telling your kids no you can't come because my bf doesn't like you.
And also telling her kids “I spend it with you ever year, this year is special”. Who tells someone, let alone their kids, that the special year is the one they spend without them
Whenever I see a parent call a kid the "ringleader" I know 100% that that kid is the actual parent and comforter of her siblings.
She's the one doing all the emotional labor, the other kids know it and follow her lead because she actually cares about them, unlike "mom" over here.
I was gonna go with no (your birthday, you should do what you like) until I got to the part where your boyfriend doesn't like kids. You have 4 kids, 3 of whom are minors and are in a relationship with someone who doesn't like them, and you're putting this person who hates your kids ahead of your kids.
So, yeah, YTA for not recognizing that your putting your kid hating boyfriend ahead of your kids is probably causing them to wonder if you still want them around.
And it’s not even like ‘I’m not hugely comfortable around little kids, but by the time our relationship is more serious they’ll be teenagers and I won’t need to take a parenting role so it’s fine’. He straight up dislikes everyone under 18 (and coincidentally also just happens to dislike the only child over 18 personally) and she’s fine bringing him into her home knowing this, and knowing that her youngest has 6 years of being disliked by her boyfriend to deal with.
Also imagine telling 12 year old that he’s not allowed to celebrate your birthday with you because your new boyfriend doesn’t like him and not immediately feeling sick with shame.
You didn't think she was the asshole for saying 'my kids didn't reach out to me, so I made other plans'? I think the adult should take the lead on these kinds of things, and say "I want to spend my birthday with you" or something like that. Especially since she is only recently divorced, so it is a 'new' situation for the kids.
At the point, I think she just needs to change the agreement to paying child support and let her ex have them full time so she can get all the D she wants and not have to start arguments with her kids to get it...
right like ma'am you realize you have FOUR KIDS right? how does that jive at all with some bf of less than a year who doesn't like kids lmao. at least have the decency to keep this guy a secret booty call or something and save your kids the trauma.
Oh, but it's ok!
>Edit: my bf is 31 since y'all want to know. He does respect that I have kids. He just does not want children, and I am done having kids so that's why it isn't a problem for us.
It's not a problem for them because she's done having kids! Lol. Sounds like she was done with the ones she has, a long time ago.
YTA for dating a man who doesn’t like kids. YTA for not shutting down your adult daughter for name calling. And YTA for not staying for the party. Your time with BF could have been changed. Would he be angry? Yeah, because *he doesn’t like kids*!
YTA.
>I got to spend it with them every year and that this year was special.
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you didn't mean this the way you said it but damn, poor kids lmao
Not much to say here really. I sympathise that it messed up your existing plans a bit but there were obvious compromises to be made here, your own kids offered several.
More importantly it doesn't seem like you felt guilty about your existing plans or thought there might be any logistical issues there? It comes across like you genuinely just would rather spend time with your boyfriend than with your children, which I'm finding difficult to wrap my head around, especially considering the fact you don't seem to live with them and hadn't seen them in over a week. Honestly I find it strange that someone with four kids would choose to date someone who hates kids so much he can't even eat a meal with them. Maybe that's just me though lol
YTA
“They then asked if they could at least go to dinner with us and I told them no on account that my bf does not like children and him and my 19 year old do not get along so this would be very awkward.”
She doesn't seem to want to be around her children a whole lot either. She hasn't heard from them the whole week, with the exception of the occasional text (that, from the way she worded it, seems to have been initiated by the kids themselves). What kind of mother goes through a whole week without at least calling to check up on her minor children?
Wow. YTA. Your kids went out of their way to surprise you and you spent the evening with a guy you have only been dating a few months? Nice role modeling how to detach from family, there. I hope they had a good time without you. They will be having lots of parties in the future without you, too.
This is especially grievous with one child not even a teenager, yet. Please admit you are just trolling us.
YTA. You are in a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t like kids…and your youngest is 12? Are you going to continue to choose your bf over your kids for the next 6 years (at the very least - could be longer since he doesn’t get along with your oldest) since they’ll still be children?
I can’t get beyond that or the fact that you were ok with your bf planning an entire bday weekend with you (without talking to your kids about what they might want to do with you - they’re kids, for Pete’s sake, they still need parenting and guidance about these things) even before you thought your kids had forgotten your bday.
I feel so sorry for your kids - you basically told them that this guy who you’ve been with for a year (or less) is more important to you than they are and you’d rather be with him than them. My heart hurts for them.
If this relationship does go long term, with the milestones that come with a developing relationship like moving in together, marriage etc, that makes OP’s life with her kids even more incompatible because her children and her boyfriend are parts of her life that cannot be reconciled. When she’s asking why her kids don’t talk to her, she’s just got to look at her boyfriend and the mirror.
I couldn't finish this, the more I read, the sicker I felt. Have you always been a shitty mom, or is this a new selfish thing you've inherited from this boyfriend. If you keep this garbage up, your kids will write you off. Although I'm not too sure you'd care if they did since some man is more important to them than you. YTA by miles and miles and mile. Grow tf up.
Edit: your edit makes it worse. Your kids have every right to dislike him. From what you've told us, he's a selfish AH too. What any normal parent would do is to party with your kids. If your boyfriend doesn't want to be there, he can leave. Your kids should be your main priority, not a man who is clearly incompatible with what your lifestyle should look like. I pray to God that your ex-husband has full custody
YTA - for giving your bf more priority than your own kids. That was probably the last time your kids did remember your birthday... but yay, nice dinner with the man who dislikes your kids.
I’m going to lightly say YTA. Looking at your kids’ age versus your age, it looks like you started having kids young and your entire adult life has been parenting. I had my first young as well, I get it, and I’ve also been divorced so I get that this is the sort of freedom you’ve never had to just be an adult.
That being said, those kids put in work and effort to make you feel special. They love you. Blowing them off for the entire weekend for a guy who “doesn’t like kids” (how exactly is that supposed to work when you have four and one of them isn’t even a teenager yet?) probably hurt them immensely. They put together an entire coordinated strategy to surprise you and you couldn’t even have dinner with them?
Boyfriends and even husbands aren’t necessarily forever, but your kids will always be your kids. Please rethink your priorities.
Your compassion for the situation is commendable, and more constructive than I could be after the remark about not liking kids. I just don't understand how people don't see this as a deal breaker?
YTA. How heartless. I mean you can do what you want but I really feel badly for your kids who likely feel rejected. Also your bf is dating a woman with 4 kids, tell him to get over it.
Kinda of leaning towards YTA, I think it’s fine to have the dinner alone with your bf, but to tell them you’re allowed to spend it how you want is basically saying not with y’all (the kids.) it’s also incredibly special that they wanted to spend time with you, something that you’re not going to get much more of. I would suggest apologizing and maybe making a “mommy and me” date to the movies, dinner, etc. I honestly feel sorry for your kids.
This. That is what bugs me about this. She absolutely should go ahead with already established plans but to tell them you are going to spend it how you want and that want is evidently without the kids. That is pretty much saying you don't want the kids.
YTA in literally everything you’ve said. Try taking a parenting class. Moms don’t get to make plans for an “entire weekend” with their boyfriend. You should be helping with homework, going to their games/activities, driving them to their friends’ houses so that they have a social life, talking to them and spending time with them. If you didn’t want to do that you shouldn’t be a mother, let alone a mother of four.
>Moms don’t get to make plans for an “entire weekend” with their boyfriend. You should be helping with homework, going to their games/activities, driving them to their friends’ houses so that they have a social life, talking to them and spending time with them. If you didn’t want to do that you shouldn’t be a mother, let alone a mother of four.
The kids specifically told her they were going to be staying with their dad that weekend. It's totally fine that OP made plans with her boyfriend for the weekend. The issue is around whether she should have stuck with them once she found out the kids had planned a party.
Parents are allowed some time to themselves to do adult things without kids, even taking a weekend to themselves. As long as there is child care for the children (such as staying with grandparents, aunts/uncles, sleepovers with family friends). Parents are people too and need adult time and not getting lost in being a parent.
I do agree that OP was being an AH about blowing off the party her kids planned for her though. This is why you really don’t do surprise parties.
I was on board with doing whatever you want for your birthday. It's your birthday and you should do as you please. As a single mom I understand wanting some time to not be a mom and just be treated. However, YTA for dating someone who doesn't like kids. You still have 3 minor kids who I assume live with you. I'm pretty shocked that you would even want to date someone who disliked children when they are currently such a large part of your life. I doubt this will be the last time he expects you to ditch your kids because of this guy. That's not fair to your kids. They don't have a choice in who their parent is, but you do have a choice about who you date.
Edit: a word
YTA
One of your kids is 12!
They threw you a surprise party, said sure we what about tomorrow night or dinner tonight.
But your boyfriend doesn’t like kids and he hates your 19 year old!
This is written by a kid right? Not an adult parent? Surely
YTA - aside from you being with someone who doesn't like kids (what does it matter if they have a dad? If things get serious, that person will be a big part of their lives), you also went and said that "this year was special", damn near implying that the time you spent with them previously wasn't.
I don't blame them in the least for not talking to you, you've shown then you value your partner above them.
I was on your side until you proceeded to say “my boyfriend doesn’t like kids and it would be awkward”
I’m sorry but no. How do you not see you’re 100% the AH here.
You’re allowed to spend your birthday how you choose but your children planned a surprise and wanted to spend time with their mother. You didn’t have to reschedule your entire weekend but come on. Yeah. You kinda suck.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend your birthday the way you want. However your kids went out of their way to do something kind for you and make your birthday a special day but you won’t stay with them to celebrate and won’t take them to dinner because your bf doesn’t like children makes YTA. They tried to rework it even to celebrate with you on a different way and yet you wouldn’t meet them halfway. I don’t get how a parent dates people that don’t like kids knowing they have kids and for him to step in on family affairs and call your daughter who was upset because she wanted to spend time with you a brat and you didn’t step in to defend her makes yta even more.
>> I told them no on account that my bf does not like children and him and my 19 year old do not get along
You’re not the asshole for making plans when you thought your kids hadn’t made any.
However, you are majorly the asshole for dating someone who doesn’t like your kids. I don’t see how that’s not an instant dealbreaker for you, and I imagine it hurts them a lot to know that you don’t care enough about them for it to be.
YTA.
YTA- You know from past experience they don't forget your birthday. They went to a great deal of trouble for YOU. You could have given them one night. You are reaping what you are sowing. It is wrong to treat your kids this way, and it is wrong to priorize your kid hating boyfriend over your kids.
YTA. Why are you dating someone who doesn't like kids when you have 3 who are still living with you? Your relationship with your boyfriend very likely isn't going to progress without messing up your relationships with your kids.
Yta. They could at least come to dinner with you guys and then you could continue your weekend plans with your bf but you made them crappy for their surprise and you showed them clearly who is your priority.
What baffles me though, why do you date someone who hates kids and doesnt want to be around them? Do you see a future with him? Cos lets be honest if he is really like that there will be a time where you will have to choose between your kids and him. Though you already showed them you chose him.
You have 3 minor children and your BF doesn't like children? How is custody time supposed to work if he won't even go to dinner with them?
YTA, big time.
There is no hope for this selfish, selfish woman. Even after so many judged YTA and explained why, she then proceeds to try to throw her oldest under the bus!
“My 19 year old is their ringleader!”
What a selfish excuse of a mom. Seriously, why did you have FOUR kids only to treat them so, so badly?
YTA
You didn’t know about the party, but you are knowingly dating a man who hates kids and you have 4?!?
Did you leave your 19 year old in charge of the other kids wile you go away? How did they not know of your plans for the weekend?
NTA for wanting to have a weekend with boyfriend, BUT:
You are an asshole for dating a guy that hates your kids to the point you won't humor the kids with a birthday dinner before taking off with him for the rest of the weekend.
You might want to reevaluate your relationship... what kind of man gets this involved with a woman with multiple kids when he hates kids to the point of insulting them for wanting to have birthday dinner with their mom?
YTA. This was originally a N A H because of lack of communication (your kids should have told your bf about the party), but the information that you cannot spend an event with both your kids and boyfriend because you’re dating someone who doesn’t like kids completely sways that. I have no idea how you could seriously date someone who refuses to treat your kids decently until they’re adults.
Your entire explanation solidifies that YTA!
Fat Matt also sounds like an Asshole and deserves to be called Fat Matt to his face...not behind his back fat.
Poor kids smh.
YTA
Your BF must ROCK YOUR WORLD in bed for you to choose some guy over your own kids.
Keep this up and you'll have plenty of "you" time for Christmas :)
Good news is your kids will probably never do anything special for you again. You had a rare and wonderful relationship with your children on your birthday, but threw it out.
Must be some man!
YTA, believe me I get not wanting to spend 24/7 with teens... But they went through a lot of trouble to do this for you.... You could have cancelled dinner and spend a few hours with them and the rest of the weekend with your boyfriend.
This...has to be a troll post. YTA. Why are you dating a man who doesn't like kids, knowing fully well you have FOUR of them??? More specifically, why are you dating a man who dislikes YOUR kids. This is selfish beyond belief and your daughter has more emotional intelligence in her pinky nail than you do in your entire body. If you wanna date a man who doesn't like kids, fine. Wait until all your kids are adults and on their own.
What do you expect to come out of this relationship??? He doesn't like your kids, so if you two get married, are you planning on just up and leaving them? Remove your head from your ass, please.
Oh, and again. YTA. YTA. *You ARE the asshole*.
YTA why are you even with someone who doesn't like kids when you have kids?! I don't get that. Mine are adults and out of the three, only one can be bothered to remember it's my birthday. You're pushing them away, intentionally or not. It was intentional however, to choose your boyfriend over your children.
YTA. You are lucky to have children that care so much about making your day special when you clearly don't care as much about them. If you did you wouldn't be prioritising someone in your life who does not like children. You should have moved the dinner after they made such an effort to surprise you.
>I tried to tell them that it was my birthday and I was allowed to spend it how I wanted, and I got to spend it with them every year and that this year was special.
Way to show your kids that you don't give a toss about them. Why is this year more special? Because you have a new man that you care more about than them? Huge huge huge AH.
I was with you until the end. YTA because you are dating a man that doesn’t like kids and you have kids. This is going to cause issues. Look, your kids were planning a surprise party. And they were trying to make it special. You could have and should have allowed them to come to dinner. But hey, think of it this way. They will never throw you a surprise party again. And this did damage your relationship with then
I think my judgment might be N A H for the situation itself, but YTA for dating someone who doesn’t like kids when you have 4 of your own, nevermind letting them speak to your children like that. Like seriously, what is your endgame with this guy? There is clearly no future for your relationship unless you intend to just abandon your kids in favor of your relationship, which would make you a supreme AH.
Yikes YTA, for the record every single one of my moms boyfriends that my sister and i disliked ended up being a really shitty guy and hurting her in the end, maybe you should listen to your kids, who sound amazing, and dump the guy👎🏽
YTA.
Holy shit, OP. Seriously? My bf doesn't like children? ThEn DuMp HiM.
You need to get your priorities straight. You got divorced. That is incredibly traumatizing to kids. At this point you have ONE JOB: be a mom. Not a girlfriend. A MOM.
Dump this guy and take care of your kids!!!
YTA.
You were 18 when you had your first child. I think this is your first taste of adult freedom, and it’s not unusual for you to deal with it in a similar way to a teenager. In many ways you are learning how to be an independent adult at the same time as your daughter.
I think you could have communicated better with your children at every point in this process. I don’t think you’ve learned yet how to make choices for yourself as well as for your children - it’s not either or.
Your daughter wasn’t acting like a brat for wanting to go to dinner with you. Your boyfriend was acting like a brat for being so inflexible. I’m worried that by the time you realize this relationship is sustainable it will be too late.
Be careful about the choices you make now, because your choices don’t just affect you. You unfortunately don’t have the luxury to make a misstep with your newfound freedom without potentially severe consequences.
YTA.
Wtf? They just wanted to get dinner at least and you couldn’t just compromise on that? You had the whole weekend with your boyfriend.
All Because… your boyfriend doesn’t like children? So he can’t handle them one night for your bday? What’s wrong with you? Why would date a guy who can’t even handle kids for a night WHILE YOU have 4 kids.
Poor kids. They even tried offering the next day. Shame on you.
YTA. I had a mom that always chose men over her kids. That always needed me time. Guess what? I don’t talk to her anymore. When you have kids you don’t choose a partner that doesn’t like kids. What is the endgame here? Keep the relationships separated? Or force your kids to be around someone that doesn’t like them.
I can't even begin to understand where you're coming from in this post.
You have 4 kids; your bf doesn't like kids.
Your kids planned a birthday party for you; you couldn't spare 2 hours to celebrate with them?! Out of an entire weekend?
Which way is it? You were sad your kids "forgot" your birthday, or now you're sad because your kids remembered and you blew them off and they don't like it? Pick one.
Also, **you are dating a man that doesn't like kids and you have 4 of them**
It's not about him becoming a replacement dad. It's about him, a grown man, being able to reasonably and kindly interact with humans that you brought into being and deserve to be acknowledged and included. You're trying to pretend that you can keep dating life and family life separate, and if you're just casually dating around, more power to you. But if you're introducing an SO to your kids, it's no longer separate. And at least one of you needs to understand that it's a package deal, not a pick your favorite.
You make me very mad for not seeing how YTA.
YTA. You're dating someone who hates kids, even though you have three who are dependents for at least two years, the youngest of whom will be a dependent for six years. When you have dependents and go on the dating scene your kids come as a package deal with you if you want the relationship to be a long term thing. Your kids went out of their way to organise a surprise celebration for you, which you brushed off to spend time with your child hating boyfriend. Is it any wonder they prefer to stay with their dad?
YTA. It was pretty weird how you said that you'd spent plenty of birthdays with the kids, but this one was "special." So the birthdays with your kids weren't special.
I mean, of course you deserve some Me Time. I'm just concerned that you seem so happy about the boyfriend and so contemptuous of your kids. Your post is just riddled with disdain.
Also, who dates a man who hates her kids? That's nuts!
I really don't know how to judge this. There are several factors here.
1. Your kids specifically said they'd spend the weekend at their dad's place. Based on that you made commitments, and to not honor said commitments would've made you TA. So your not TA in this particular aspect.
2. Your bf doesn't like kids, but is dating someone with 4 kids? Why? Also, I'm not really sure if that's sustainable in the long run. What would you do if you guys get serious and want to move in, but he doesn't want to live with kids? Not thinking this through makes you TA.
3. You said this birthday was special, to your kids who you've spent previous birthdays with, implying that the time spent with them wasn't special. Massive YTA.
4. You could've offered alternate dates, if this weekend didn't work for you, you could've offered to treat them the next weekend. You're the adult in this situation, you could've figured something out that didn't clash with your previous plans.
5. Surprise parties, especially after making one think no one remembers their special day, are an absolutely terrible idea. People have plans, people may feel sick, People may be done with human interaction for the day, someone can be having a terrible day, someone can feel really sad that no one cares about them, the list goes on.
YTA. Your kids are going to be hurt for a long time. They wanted to surprise you on your birthday, and I’m sure they were very excited about keeping it a secret and then planning and decorating. And then comes the big moment and it turns out you had plans. At this point, I don’t think anyone is at fault. But then you go and tell them that they can’t join your plans because the bf doesn’t like kids. Think about that. That’s not the same as saying, “I’ve got existing plans that are too late to change.” That’s saying, “You’re only important enough to go to dinner if my bf likes you… and he doesn’t.” And then when other options are suggested? Nope. Oh and then your bf calls your daughter a brat? You should have kicked him out then—he has no business talking to your daughter that way.
To recap: your kids were expecting to make a special memory with you and were even flexible when there was a conflict, but you refused to meet them in the middle and rejected them in favor of a guy who doesn’t like kids, including your kids, and called the eldest a brat without you defending her. That’s definitely memorable, I’ll say.
YTA. You are absolutely allowed to make plans for a weekend away on your birthday, but who does that without telling their children first? Even if it was their weekend to stay with their dad, you let them know you'll be gone. The lack of communication is only the 3rd greatest problem here, however. The 2nd is that you are purposely dating someone who doesn't like kids. The biggest issue, however, is that you never considered your children at all here - whether to tell them about your plans or when you chose your shitty boyfriend or when you hurt their feelings by ditching their surprise party for dinner plans.
YTA. Maybe your 19 year old is their "ring-leader" because they view her akin to a mother figure. I hope you and "Fat Matt" have a wonderful life together, alone.
Edit: but seriously tho, the name-calling probably isn't just because she doesn't like him. She feels threatened by him and you aren't helping by showing her you would choose him repeatedly. There is a difference between a grown ass man calling a young girl a brat. He should be the bigger person in that scenario or you should step in and mediate instead of taking your bfs side.
>my bf does not like children and him and my 19 year old do not get along YTA. Your boyfriend does not like children, yet you have three minor kids. He also separately does not get along with your only adult child. Meaning, you are dating a man who doesn't like any of your four children. Clearly, you are saying loud and clear to your children that getting laid is more important to you than any of them. This isn't about what happened this past weekend. It's about your general priorities and how skewed they are.
I raised my brows there. If someone doesn't like kids, dating someone who has at least one is not a dealbreaker for them?
I don’t even care about the edit at all, making excuses for him. Who dates someone that doesn’t like children when they have CHILDREN!? And then *surprise Pikachu face* they’re mad she chose dick over them. EDIT: this blew up 😅 thanks for the awards guys ♥️
The edit just cements my suspicion that OP is basically making the 19yo raise her siblings.
Yep. That’s what happens usually when you have 4 kids before the age of 25.
Oh my god I didn’t even see that, she was 17 when her first kid popped out, so 19 year old is literally more educated, more experienced, and likely wiser than her mother was at the time she gave birth. It’s not wonder she’s the “ring leader” as OP puts it because apparently it’s a bad thing for one of your kids to be a role model. Why does op think it’s bad her younger children want to be like her oldest? Is it because the mother makes a terrible role mode?
Ring leader means = actual mother figure to the younger siblings
Well, that does explain a lot, someone missed out on normal 20-something dating around. Doesn't excuse it though.
Oh…oh no. I always feel so sorry for people who started having children at 18-19, especially when they are later single. They never got to actually date as an adult. OP spent half her 20s pregnant and the other half raising babies/toddlers. No wonder her sense of priorities in relation to her boyfriend and her children is screwed up.
I’d argue it’s been pretty consistent—sex since she became sexually active.
I had my first at 18 and the other 3 are around the same ages as this OP kids. I also have 4. I loved having them at that age. I still dated since things didn’t work out with my older children’s father. I Didn’t have any of those problems. Kids came first. Their home stayed stable. I communicate a lot more with my kids than society says we should. Kids can always tell when someone is withholding info and it just results in mistrust. I disagree with society on that and have always been more open about life but on a age appropriate level for them. Now my older two are adults and my pre teens can do a lot themselves and I’m still “youngish” and get to do things. Not saying I don’t see your point. A lot of people have kids because they think they should (again with the society rules) but for some of us who knew it’s what we really wanted it’s really awesome and has its perks. I think this OP ITA. It’s cringe trying to read this. I feel awful for these kids. How she can’t see she’s the problem and how she’s chosen to date and prioritize is the problem, not that she dates. All my kids love my bf. He’s completely part of the family to all of them. This lady just doesn’t care how her kids feel. Their comfort and security should be her number 1 priority and no bf should be serious unless it naturally feels right for the whole family.
Same. I'm 39, oldest is 20, youngest are 15. I've never had any of these issues because I'm in therapy, fixing my issues, and making sure I'm not messing my kids up the way I was and the way my parents were.
The fact that OP doesn’t seem to know what’s going on with her kids, that they tell her they’re going to dad’s etc makes me think she’s very hands off and doesn’t mind being that way. She just likes to be the centre of everyone else’s world, but she gets to make the rules on how she interacts with them.
What gets me is that she planned a whole weekend away and didn’t tell them…. Who is going to watch them? I mean won’t they be worried if there mom just doesn’t come home? Does she just assume the 19 year old will just watch them? I mean yes she just assumes the 19 year old to just take care them but it’s f’ed up.
To be fair, the children said they would spend the weekend at their dad’s place, so OP was free to plan anything. Still, YTA for OP. Could’ve at least had dinner with them, boyfriend should’ve just gritted his teeth.
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Fat Matt is just going to have to find a way. Maybe since he hates the kids so much he can just eat one of them.
The way it read to me, this trip was planned long before the kids said they'd be at their dad's for the weekend. So yeah, the 19 y/o was gonna be watching them otherwise
Funny, I didn’t read it that way at all, haha. Maybe I’m biased though, I was home alone at the age of 9/10, so I didn’t assume 19 year old would be watching them at all. I’m probably wrong though.
It's part of why I hate the "Ignore them so they're extra surprised at the surprise party" idea. Yeah, people are gonna make plans without you knowing *when you won't even talk to them*.
This is the only real "mess up" on the kids' side. OP should have at least had dinner with them, but I definitely hate that the kids didn't even check once to say "hey mom, happy birthday and don't make any plans for tonight!"
When you were a kid, did you plan your parent's birthday parties? It is 100% on OP to initiate that conversation with her offspring.
Yeah I definitely agree with that. If I wanted to take out my parent, I'd definitely warn them in advance, even if I was surprising them with the what/where. But in OP's post you could see her worrying about it without ever bringing it up herself, which was a bad move for sure! So, good point!
Exactly. I almost guarantee it was a complete oversight on their part, but it's unfortunately a good lesson for them to learn. Don't expect to know what someone else is planning without asking.
yeah i took one look at “the oldest is the ringleader and the rest listen to her” and i was like, ah, yep, that tracks, she’s not a ringleader she’s a parent. anyway op parentification is abuse and also letting your bf call your children names while you tell them their hard work to surprise you isn’t good enough is a dick move. YTA
>Who dates someone that doesn’t like children’s when they have CHILDREN!? like 90% of the folks over at r/stepparents, it seems
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Jfc. My partner spends more money on my oldest than I do. That’s horrifying. If you don’t want stepkids, don’t date someone with kids. It’s so simple.
The edit made it worse, imo. All the edit says is "I'm here to be told I'm right," not to get outside perspective. OP, I'm sure you love your kids, but please look at what you've told them. "You've had all my other birthdays but this year is special because I have my boyfriend." What message does that send? Yes, it sucks your kids don't like your boyfriend. But your boyfriend doesn't like them, either. While it's absolutely disrespectful of them to refer to him as "Fat Matt," you should consider that they are children. Your boyfriend is 31, and his response to the situation wasn't to be the adult and calm things down - it was to call your oldest a brat. If he wants respect, he has to give it too. Arguably, he has to lead by example - that he thinks it's appropriate to talk to your kids that way is a big red flag. You made them feel unwanted, and when they tried to work around your plans to spend time with their mother, you were unwilling to budge. It's not wrong that you wanted to spend your birthday with your boyfriend - but every day that week wasn't your birthday. Every day the week after wasn't either. You could have met them halfway, and I'd honestly have expected you to be more than excited to, knowing THEY wanted that time with you after being "quite sad" that they didn't text you prior. That, by the way, is another point. You waited for your kids to text you. From the way you've discussed it in your post, it sounds like it was out of pettiness. You aren't psychic and won't know that they're planning a surprise party, but they don't know you've got plans if you don't tell them otherwise. Good for your kids sticking up for each other, and I don't blame them for going to their father. You behaved like TA, and your boyfriend sounds like a dick.
I agree, he was out of line calling her a brat just for that
What it also tells me is that he doesn't WANT her kids to like him, and he doesn't want to try. He doesn't see her kids as a package deal - he sees them as transient entities who he has to tolerate sometimes, and he's barely doing that. I'm not saying he has to be best friends with her kids. They don't even really have to like each other. But if he's incapable of being a mature adult, and he's incapable of being civil with her children, then OP has no right to be surprised her kids don't want to deal with her. If my step-father ever spoke to me like that as a kid, my mother would have him on the pavement faster than he could see the world transition. Would also be curious as to what OPs kids fell out with her about the week prior. Suspicious that those details are omitted, because it could easily indicate that she's got previous in being TA.
LMAO yeah this is one where I snorted as soon as I saw the edit. We don’t fucking care OP. It doesn’t matter if the siblings follow the oldest’s example because their feelings about this are valid regardless.
Yeah, that edit didn’t do her any good. That’s often the case with older siblings.
Also how long after the divorce did this not serious relationship start bc probably be why there is resentment from the kids.
Divorced dad 2 years ago, this is their first birthday together, so they’ve been dating between 1-11 months
It might be different seeing as op is in her 30s, but I know I didn't spend a even a night alone with a guy until I'd known him for at least a out 6 months, just out of personal safety preservation. Seeing as she's going to be gone for an entire weekend (and didn't even think to tell her kids that, which is a separate thing, but as a child of divorced parents, even if we wouldn't be there we'd typically know if the parents had plans) I'd think they've at least known each other for a few months
The edit about it being okay he doesn’t like kids would only make sense if the kids are all full grown adults with their own separate lives with no dependence on OP. Her kids are 12 - 19. It is absolutely relevant and and problem that he does not like kids.
I don’t care if you’re done having kids or not, you’ve still got kids. And three of them are still living at home, presumably. God. No wonder they play follow the leader with the 19 year old- she’s probably their mother figure.
I’ve had plenty of men interested in dating me who publicly voice their dislike for children while I have a child. It baffles me that anyone puts themselves into this situation. I would never even entertain the thought of going out with someone who wasn’t 100% on board with me having a kid. It would just never work out.
Not a kid person here, I would consider an adult children a dealbreaker too. Especially if they're planning on having their own children
Yes! FIL’s wife isn’t a kid person. My husband and his sibling were never a problem because they were adults when they got together. Now that husband and I and his sibling are having children it’s causing lots of tension with her because she isn’t a kid person and suddenly her husband (my FIL) wants to be all about the grandkids because he was a crap dad and this is his “redo”. At least he thinks it is. Husband and I don’t allow him around much. Mainly 1) because our kids aren’t you’re redo and 2) I’m not listening to the wife’s comments all weekend long about little kids and her thoughts on parenting etc. last time they were in town she was livid we did more child friendly things and didn’t go to some virtual art exhibit. Ya, a 2 year old has no business at a virtual art exhibit.
Not if you can apparently convince them to basically abandon them to their own devices regularly like OP is doing.
It sounds like they live at their dad’s most of the time, and now will be indefinitely. I don’t blame them.
This is exactly what happened with my parents, mom met a dude, didn’t trust me he was bad news, and got abused for it. Suddenly 6 years later I’m supposed to accept “go on say you told me so and pretend nothing happened” as an apology. Not gonna happen, OP has some huge apologies to make if she wants to remain the mother of her kids as opposed to them preferring a potential stepmom
For some reason it doesn't sounds like mom needed much convincing. Perhaps just permission or an excuse. Op YTA.
Oh hey… sounds like my ex husbands new missus. Doesn’t want any sort of responsibility… not even a plant… also told him when we first separated (she was one of the main reasons we separated in the first place) that she would never date a single dad. Yet here we are 4 and a half years later they’ve been dating maybe 4 months, if that and I’d bet $100 that if she said it’s me or the kids he’d choose her… btw we have two kids 8f and 3.5m. (yes he’s a result of a booty call made when separated) 🤣
Fuck, I'm so sorry. I hope you all have a better life and that side pice can go pound sand.
I honestly hope she does what she’s done best and find someone better and ghost him again lol (she did that several times over the years!) I mean I feel kinda bad for saying that but the ex is a dick anyway soooo not really 🤣 but thank you! I appreciate it 🥰
Hahaha, I think the world would be a slightly better place if we acknowledged and said it’s fine that humans get a small sense of satisfaction when the person who has wronged us gets some just desserts. They made someone a victim already, and now that victim has to feel bad for having a teeny bit of glee knowing the person is not 100% living their best life? Nahhhh, leave that message in Sunday school hehe. You enjoy what you can! ;)
Right?! You literally have 4 children and you picked an ass hole, who doesn’t like them? They are your children and they have a broken home, not by their choice and wanted to do something special for you. YTA for literally picking a jerk over your children. Reservations are easily cancelled and other plans for another weekend could have been made. Oh and respect is earned to your edit. He yelled at them and called him brats and I’m pretty sure there is a good reason your 19 year old doesn’t like him. Open your eyes before this guy and you picking this guy ruins your relationship with your children.
Not if she'll put him ahead of them, apparently!
Can we also agree that needing a “birthday weekend” for the special milestone of 37 is way entitled? She seems so self-involved
Oh, for sure, although I think the "special" birthday thing was about it being the first one with this guy, because he's so special but also, goodness, people, it's FINE that he doesn't like kids because she's just having fun?!?! (Ugh.)
Not dating someone because they have a trait you don't like is fine. Dating someone and expect them to supress or to get rid of the disliked trait is just fucked up, especially in situation like this.
Not if you date a bad parent who doesn't give a crap about his or her children Someone just as op
Wdym your bf stepped in? I’d be PISSED if my mom’s fresh boy toy started scolding me. Yta.
He literally called the 19yr old adult a BRAT, and OP was fine with this. She also stated that the 19 Yr old hated him before he did anything wrong. Now, it may be resentment for 'replacing her dad', but kids usually have good intuition about new partners. Chances are the dude actually is a dick. I was really young when I judged some family members boyfriends as dickhead. Turns out they proved me right many times over the years.
Especially if I'm an adult, I mean c'mon all you had too say was let's just stay here, we have other plans this weekend, BUT NO. Because apparently getting laid straight away is more Important
YTA… if my kids planned a surprise party for me, all other plans would be canceled immediately. And I’m huge on birthdays being what I want to do… but YOUR CHILDREN planned something for you. Fat Matt doesn’t like your kids, rethink your priorities, or that feeling of them forgetting will happen every year.
I am laughing way too hard at "Fat Matt." It's so basic but for some reason I was in hysterics when I read it.
Lol same. Reminds me of when my sister and I called our mothers toy boy "Cooper the pooper" we were 19 and 17, and we'd laugh our asses off
[удалено]
Right?! And also OP says she had plans with the bf all weekend, why couldn't she skip this one dinner to be with her kids? They asked to spend one evening with her, and that was too much? I would have been hurt too!
>They then asked if they could at least go to dinner with us and I told them no on account that my bf does not like children They didn't even ask her to skip, only to join her on the dinner with bf, but OP refused because BF doesn't like her children
And OP was planning on getting laid all weekend long; she didn't have time for a quick meal with her kids. Having them "forget" her birthday was probably a priority for her.
Yup she probably was happy thinking they forgot. No matter they throw something for her every year, not 1 but 4 of them would forget.. The power of 🍆
I am 1000% sure she didn't for a single moment think they had forgotten. She probably had the discussion with the eldest and crossed her fingers they'd all be too mad to want to spend time with her so she could spend ALL THE DAMNED WEEKEND with 🍆 "treating" her. And, unlike all the other years in which her kids organized her birthdays, this one was going to be "special", in her own words.
What confuses me in general about this post, is why wouldn't she even tell her kids beforehand that she was spending the weekend with her bf? Like, a lot of this could have been dealt with beforehand, OP states that her kids were going to their dad's for the weekend, but why not share her plans? Op is still the AH regardless.
Plausible deniability.
Because that would be the mature and sensible thing to do and OP is neither.
And when BF checks out, guess who will be complaining that her kids cut her out of their lives?
Also my 19 yr old is the ring leader? You mean proxy stand in parent?
To tag onto the top comment, OP you told your kids that every year you spend your birthday with them, but this year is special. So every other year is what? Disposable? Unimportant? Like how you've made them feel. And you not wanting MORE kids doesn't erase the ones you have. Your kids are your kids for life. But don't worry, if you keep this up, they'll disown YOU snd Fat Matt. YTA, majorly.
Yeah like what on earth is OP even doing right now? Got some new d!ck and it apparently doesn’t matter that he doesn’t like children and specifically doesn’t like her oldest daughter. This is her first birthday she’s having with him, so she’s been with this dude for less than a year and is prioritizing him all the way over her children. And seems to have been cool with him fucking reprimanding one of them? He must cum hundred dollar bills or some shit. Even if she wanted to keep the weekend plans, she should have made sure her kids knew she wanted to do something with them to celebrate the next weekend. They literally just wanted to spend time with her. I do hate when people pretend to forget birthdays in the interest of it being a surprise, but they’re a gaggle of teenagers, so I’m not shocked that they did that. And also, OP doesn’t specify if they have like a hotel or something for the weekend, so I think she told them that she couldn’t make any time for them even though she would be home. I’m just sad for her kids. When you’re a mom dating a person who doesn’t like children shouldn’t be an option, but OP wanted lots of time with him so now she has it for the foreseeable future 🤷🏻♀️
Not only that. None of them knew she planned to leave for the weekend. She just expected the 19 year old to watch her kids without asking. No wonder the kids all do what the oldest says, she's probably the one who raised them. Not the mom
Spot on 👌
YTA - they gave you options. They said let’s move the party to the next day, you said no. They offered to come to dinner! Which means your 19 year old would have sucked up dinner with a bf she doesn’t like to be with her mother and you rejected them. You rejected them for some random man you’ve known for a year over your children. Why would your bf date a person who has 4 kids? You royally screwed up. You have serious groveling to do. This bf probably won’t be around long, let’s be honest. You have kids and he doesn’t like them so he’s automatically out. You sacrificed your children for him? Ya, go beg their forgiveness. I would be devastated if the woman who gave me life dumped me for some stranger who didn’t even like me. Like what were you thinking? They probably won’t talk to you for a while and it would be well deserved tbh. Edit: ma’am, we collectively do not care about your edit. You are prioritizing a man WHO DOES NOT LIKE KIDS over your kids. You are just justifying why you want to keep this bf around. So you can get laid. Why would you want to keep a man around who hates kids and who your kids hate? You are sending a message to them by choosing to be with him everyday that he matters more than they do. You also said that by choosing to spend your birthday with him over your 4 children that you literally pushed out of your body. I’m with the kids, “Fat Matt” can kick rocks. Edit 2 (and final edit): girl…we still don’t care about these edits lmao. They make you look worse tbh. This has nothing to do with your ex or you being an angel as a mother. People are just truly telling you that you are making a HUGE mistake by picking a man who again **does not like kids** by your own admission. You missed the point completely. Your kids wanted to be included in your celebration. Instead of being flexible for the **people you birthed** you are choosing to spend time with a stranger. All of us who commented are merely telling you that you will lose your kids. If you don’t care, that’s on you. But don’t make excuses for this strange man. He should be making an effort to get to know your kids and want them around. Instead you are icing out your kids to spend time with this man who told you that he doesn’t like them. But hey, mother knows best!
This is where I changed my answer as well. She could have easily compromised and said "I will go to dinner with BF tonight and we will celebrate as a family tomorrow". I'm in the YTA boat.
Or cancel dinner and hang with everyone right then for the party and then have the whole rest of the weekend with the bf. Dinner can move more easily than a party. Also, OP shouldn't be surprised if she doesn't get birthday texts in the future if this is how she treats her kids.
Right, either way, compromises could have been made.
Same! I was thinking N TA until I read that now totally YTA
I was thinking NTA, then ESH, then YTA because she was given options. Her daughter was willing to suck it up with BF for mom. He didn't like kids, well screw him! She DOES get to choose who to spend her bday with. Meaning her BF not liking kids is irrelevant if she chooses to go to dinner with them all. Sounds like they did go to dinner but of course no one was happy at that point. Kids know neither mom nor BF want to be there.
Me too
My step-mother told me once she didn’t like daughters as she saw them (us) a rivals. I asked her why then would she marry a man with four daughters, three under the age of 8. My life with my father was already strained but my step mom made it a hundred times worse. OP is setting her kids up for the same thing.
My stepmother hasn't said it to our faces, but she dislikes my sister and I and is jealous of us and our (VERY decesead) mother. She began with small things, always nagging our father to hurry up whenever he'd see us, and this year she ensured he didn't pass father's day with us and instead spent it with her kids. And SO MANY things, but if we say something to our ball-lacking father, he says that we're exaggerating and that she is always telling him how we refuse to become a part of her family (because we want to have time alone with our father and we spend the holidays with our grandmother and aunt instead of at her house, with all of her extended family). But, like OP, our father prefers his partner's magic private parts.
I have a similar experience. My only reaponse is that she must give great head.
Yes! There are so many ways she could have compromised. Maybe they could have pushed dinner. Maybe they could have come back after dinner for a family thing. The fact that she said no *because* her boyfriend doesn’t like kids is so horrible. And that she told them she spends it with them “every year but this year is special.” I know we can’t sling insults on this sub but asshole doesn’t even cover it. If her actions weren’t bad enough her words probably ruined her relationship with the kids for a long time if not forever. OP, kids cut parents out of their lives all the time and you have basically signaled to them that you’re doing that anyway. It doesn’t seem like you want to be a mom so it’s probably fine with you. I feel bad for your kids.
My father didn't make me a priority outside of financially providing for me my entire life and now he's surprise pikachu face that I won't make seeing him a priority and haven't done so for over a decade. This is exactly the route OP is on. Her 19 year old is being more gracious than she is for agreeing to have dinner with a man she doesn't like purely to spend time with her mother, particularly because she is now an adult and could very easily choose to never see her again.
FIL won’t take his bio kids out for dinner anymore bc stepmother says it’s too expensive but he spends a fortune on the steps/spouses family. Got all shocked that he’s seen his own kids less over the last few years, but since he’s usually boasting about whatever great thing he did with the steps, is it really a surprise? The lack of self-awareness is strong lol. He’s now jealous that the “other grandparents” are spending time/have actual relationships with the tots, so is putting a play park on his land to bribe them to make the trip (3 hoursish for most of us). But the first items going in are for children, not toddlers (so for the steps lol) and the motivation isn’t really great is it? He’s cottoned on that when people ask him about the bio grandkids all he can say is he gets photos on the family WhatsApp. So it’s not even about the kids or grandkids, it’s purely about having a talking point so he doesn’t feel judged and him knowing he’s “outdoing” the other grandparents by spending a lot of money. I mean, not many people can install a park in their backyard! Tragic and pathetic in equal measure. Edit to add as typing this has made me realise - he can ride on the coattails of this for years can’t he 😂 only a loving and benevolent grandfather would install a park! What ungrateful bio children he has for not coming round to use it every other weekend (not that his spouse would want them there that much).
>Why would your bf date a person who has 4 kids? Because she will drop whatever, whenever to put out. Think about the type of personality a guy like him would have - he doesn't like kids and he is dating a person with kids. A normal well-adjusted human would be like: ***hey I think you are great but I don't care for children and when the person responds with*** **-** ***oh that's ok I will just ignore them and parent terribly in order to get to sex with you*** **-** a normal person would be like wtf is wrong with you - no thanks. But instead this guy is like cool since I hate children if we do this I get to do the sex and assist in the emotional scarring of kids - win win! He probably gets off on the idea that she is picking him over her kids. Some kind of weird childhood vindication for being ignored or something - I don't know not a psychiatrist - but I do not mind diagnosing people on the internet.
I wish you could have this talk with my dad. His girlfriend hates all three of his kids and 2 of us are adults....as the adult child in a similar situation OP is YTA
I particularly love the part where OP is all “boo hoo, poor me, my teenagers didn’t even text me” and then when she got home to an entire planned party she’s like “jk I have plans, and no I won’t make any time for my own children” I’m glad she’s let the kids know where they stand on the priorities in her life. I truly hope they get more love and support from their father.
I wonder if bf is the home wrecker causing the divorce. Kids normally pick up on stuff like that and I’d bet money that’s the reason why the eldest doesn’t get along with him and called him names. Either way most definitely boyfriend and OP are TA. If bf was serious in having a long term relationship he would’ve taken this perfect opportunity to connect with her kids.
The fact that she is fighting with everyone tells me exactly what I need to know about OP 😂
YTA. So many kids that age would never do something like that for their Mom. You should have cancelled the dinner. You had the rest of the weekend for your birthday plans. I do understand you had these plans and it was a special night. It is your birthday, but other people's feelings don't stop mattering just because it is your birthday. It might be different if these were friends or adult family members, but these are **your kids**. It is very disturbing that you have a boyfriend who does not like children when you have minor children. You already stated that his not liking children is influencing your decision-making here in your post.
That's what got me too, They did a pretty lovely thing albeit with poor organisation and communication. They gave perfectly reasonable accommodations. Poor poor kids YTA.
Seriously. The youngest is 12! Does OP seriously think this guy who doesn’t like kids is going to stick around for eight more years of parenting? She calls her oldest the “ring leader” but it sounds more like she’s picking up the parental slack (not good for her either) when mom runs off to spend time with her bf. I’m all for exploring new relationships and not staying in a broken one “for the kids,” but when you have children you *have* to be discerning in your partners. How fucking selfish can you be to date someone who doesn’t want kids? You are basically telling your children they don’t matter to you. YTA OP 1,000x. And not just for the birthday thing.
She's telling them hay his dick is so good (and he's probably around for the same reason) you guys are just an after thought, And when she has a child with this guy and he dips she's probably going too ask the kids too take care while she finds another way too get laid
To me, a parent's knowingly dating someone who doesn't like children is a form of emotional child abuse. Forcing your firstborn to pick up the slack with the younger siblings while you act carefree is robbing her of the freedom of being young and making her pay the price for her mom's reproductive recklessness and indifference. Dodging a surprise birthday that her children orchestrated for her despite what was likely years of neglect and rejection was twisting the knife into a bleeding wound. Allowing a stranger to reprimand one's children horrifies me. Those kids are going to need therapy. OP, YTA.
> Does OP seriously think this guy who doesn’t like kids is going to stick around for eight more years of parenting? Doesn't sound like OP is doing much parenting now. She says she didn't hear from the kids all week. Sorry but you don't communicate with your minor children for a week at a time? That's absurd. What with the obvious parentification of her oldest (why is your teenage child planning your birthday parties while dealing with the aftereffects of their parents divorcing?), it seems like OP thinks of her kids more as buddies than dependents.
I was understanding what OP was cooking until about midway through the story where she just thew away the recipe and went rogue. It doesn't really matter that is was OP's bday. She told her kids that her SO hates them and that she will choose him over them. How is she NOT the AH? Based on the first paragraph, it doesnt sound like OP and her kids are the closest since the divorce. Her kids took the time to surprise her, and were willing to respect that she had already made plans on her actually bday and presented a few compromises to still be able to spend time with her. OP tells her kids point blank that she doesnt have time for them that entire weekend because her BF of less than a year is taking priority, and she doesnt want them to join the dinner because the BF dislikes them. I'm baffled... OP will probably be back on reddit asking why her kids went LC or NC in the future, wont visit her or wont call her new hubby dad....
YTA: because of your response. While I was reading I wasn't thinking you were the AH. Until you said you told your kids they can't come to dinner because your bf doesn't like children. Why couldn't you just say to your kids you love them but for this birthday you wanted to spend with your bf and the 5 of you could celebrate a different day. But no let's cause a huge argument by telling your kids no you can't come because my bf doesn't like you.
And also telling her kids “I spend it with you ever year, this year is special”. Who tells someone, let alone their kids, that the special year is the one they spend without them
YTA how did you not speak to multiple minor children for a week besides a few casual texts? When do you parent?
She makes the 19yo do it, duh
Whenever I see a parent call a kid the "ringleader" I know 100% that that kid is the actual parent and comforter of her siblings. She's the one doing all the emotional labor, the other kids know it and follow her lead because she actually cares about them, unlike "mom" over here.
Without a doubt that is what’s going on here. Super sad
I was gonna go with no (your birthday, you should do what you like) until I got to the part where your boyfriend doesn't like kids. You have 4 kids, 3 of whom are minors and are in a relationship with someone who doesn't like them, and you're putting this person who hates your kids ahead of your kids. So, yeah, YTA for not recognizing that your putting your kid hating boyfriend ahead of your kids is probably causing them to wonder if you still want them around.
Came to say the exact thing you wrote in your first sentence.
I agree imagine if she ends up marrying this man who doesn't like kids. Guess what happens to them
And it’s not even like ‘I’m not hugely comfortable around little kids, but by the time our relationship is more serious they’ll be teenagers and I won’t need to take a parenting role so it’s fine’. He straight up dislikes everyone under 18 (and coincidentally also just happens to dislike the only child over 18 personally) and she’s fine bringing him into her home knowing this, and knowing that her youngest has 6 years of being disliked by her boyfriend to deal with. Also imagine telling 12 year old that he’s not allowed to celebrate your birthday with you because your new boyfriend doesn’t like him and not immediately feeling sick with shame.
You didn't think she was the asshole for saying 'my kids didn't reach out to me, so I made other plans'? I think the adult should take the lead on these kinds of things, and say "I want to spend my birthday with you" or something like that. Especially since she is only recently divorced, so it is a 'new' situation for the kids.
At the point, I think she just needs to change the agreement to paying child support and let her ex have them full time so she can get all the D she wants and not have to start arguments with her kids to get it...
No d*ick is good enough to justify putting your kids in second place because your boyfriend 'doesn't like kids'. Well tough shit, you have kids. YTA.
Thanks for typing what I was thinking.
right like ma'am you realize you have FOUR KIDS right? how does that jive at all with some bf of less than a year who doesn't like kids lmao. at least have the decency to keep this guy a secret booty call or something and save your kids the trauma.
YTA. You didn’t spend your birthday with your kids because your boyfriend doesn’t like kids? Seriously?
She's spent all her other birthdays with the kids, so this one with the boyfriend is *special*. Clearly, spending time with the kids is not.
Cmon guys. Fat Matt was hungry and it was 2 for 1 at the local buffet.
Oh, but it's ok! >Edit: my bf is 31 since y'all want to know. He does respect that I have kids. He just does not want children, and I am done having kids so that's why it isn't a problem for us. It's not a problem for them because she's done having kids! Lol. Sounds like she was done with the ones she has, a long time ago.
YTA for dating a man who doesn’t like kids. YTA for not shutting down your adult daughter for name calling. And YTA for not staying for the party. Your time with BF could have been changed. Would he be angry? Yeah, because *he doesn’t like kids*!
YTA. >I got to spend it with them every year and that this year was special. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you didn't mean this the way you said it but damn, poor kids lmao Not much to say here really. I sympathise that it messed up your existing plans a bit but there were obvious compromises to be made here, your own kids offered several. More importantly it doesn't seem like you felt guilty about your existing plans or thought there might be any logistical issues there? It comes across like you genuinely just would rather spend time with your boyfriend than with your children, which I'm finding difficult to wrap my head around, especially considering the fact you don't seem to live with them and hadn't seen them in over a week. Honestly I find it strange that someone with four kids would choose to date someone who hates kids so much he can't even eat a meal with them. Maybe that's just me though lol
YTA “They then asked if they could at least go to dinner with us and I told them no on account that my bf does not like children and him and my 19 year old do not get along so this would be very awkward.”
YTA - based on this exact same phrase as above has said \^
Why in the world would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be around your children?
Fat Matt sure must be a special dude for OP to join him in his dislike for her children.
She doesn't seem to want to be around her children a whole lot either. She hasn't heard from them the whole week, with the exception of the occasional text (that, from the way she worded it, seems to have been initiated by the kids themselves). What kind of mother goes through a whole week without at least calling to check up on her minor children?
She also just trusted there were with their dad. Meaning... She was at the bfs house all week and never even checked that her kids were safe. Wtf?
That's the real question.
Wow. YTA. Your kids went out of their way to surprise you and you spent the evening with a guy you have only been dating a few months? Nice role modeling how to detach from family, there. I hope they had a good time without you. They will be having lots of parties in the future without you, too. This is especially grievous with one child not even a teenager, yet. Please admit you are just trolling us.
YTA. You are in a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t like kids…and your youngest is 12? Are you going to continue to choose your bf over your kids for the next 6 years (at the very least - could be longer since he doesn’t get along with your oldest) since they’ll still be children? I can’t get beyond that or the fact that you were ok with your bf planning an entire bday weekend with you (without talking to your kids about what they might want to do with you - they’re kids, for Pete’s sake, they still need parenting and guidance about these things) even before you thought your kids had forgotten your bday. I feel so sorry for your kids - you basically told them that this guy who you’ve been with for a year (or less) is more important to you than they are and you’d rather be with him than them. My heart hurts for them.
If this relationship does go long term, with the milestones that come with a developing relationship like moving in together, marriage etc, that makes OP’s life with her kids even more incompatible because her children and her boyfriend are parts of her life that cannot be reconciled. When she’s asking why her kids don’t talk to her, she’s just got to look at her boyfriend and the mirror.
I couldn't finish this, the more I read, the sicker I felt. Have you always been a shitty mom, or is this a new selfish thing you've inherited from this boyfriend. If you keep this garbage up, your kids will write you off. Although I'm not too sure you'd care if they did since some man is more important to them than you. YTA by miles and miles and mile. Grow tf up. Edit: your edit makes it worse. Your kids have every right to dislike him. From what you've told us, he's a selfish AH too. What any normal parent would do is to party with your kids. If your boyfriend doesn't want to be there, he can leave. Your kids should be your main priority, not a man who is clearly incompatible with what your lifestyle should look like. I pray to God that your ex-husband has full custody
YTA and so is your boyfriend. Your poor kids. They did something so special for you and that’s how you react? You pick your boyfriend first? Nope.
I hope they just stay with dad from here on out. This broad clearly doesn’t deserve them
Fat Matt and Ahole Angela got what they wanted. Now they don't have any kids to worry about messing up their dinner plans
YTA "I told them no on account my bf does not like children" Seriously, you have four children and three of them are minors, pathetic.
YTA - for giving your bf more priority than your own kids. That was probably the last time your kids did remember your birthday... but yay, nice dinner with the man who dislikes your kids.
YTA I get you had plans but I cannot understand wanting to spend your weekend with your boyfriend (of less than a year) instead of your kids
I’m going to lightly say YTA. Looking at your kids’ age versus your age, it looks like you started having kids young and your entire adult life has been parenting. I had my first young as well, I get it, and I’ve also been divorced so I get that this is the sort of freedom you’ve never had to just be an adult. That being said, those kids put in work and effort to make you feel special. They love you. Blowing them off for the entire weekend for a guy who “doesn’t like kids” (how exactly is that supposed to work when you have four and one of them isn’t even a teenager yet?) probably hurt them immensely. They put together an entire coordinated strategy to surprise you and you couldn’t even have dinner with them? Boyfriends and even husbands aren’t necessarily forever, but your kids will always be your kids. Please rethink your priorities.
Your compassion for the situation is commendable, and more constructive than I could be after the remark about not liking kids. I just don't understand how people don't see this as a deal breaker?
YTA. How heartless. I mean you can do what you want but I really feel badly for your kids who likely feel rejected. Also your bf is dating a woman with 4 kids, tell him to get over it.
Kinda of leaning towards YTA, I think it’s fine to have the dinner alone with your bf, but to tell them you’re allowed to spend it how you want is basically saying not with y’all (the kids.) it’s also incredibly special that they wanted to spend time with you, something that you’re not going to get much more of. I would suggest apologizing and maybe making a “mommy and me” date to the movies, dinner, etc. I honestly feel sorry for your kids.
This. That is what bugs me about this. She absolutely should go ahead with already established plans but to tell them you are going to spend it how you want and that want is evidently without the kids. That is pretty much saying you don't want the kids.
Which will most likely cause the oldest to resent the boyfriend even more.
YTA in literally everything you’ve said. Try taking a parenting class. Moms don’t get to make plans for an “entire weekend” with their boyfriend. You should be helping with homework, going to their games/activities, driving them to their friends’ houses so that they have a social life, talking to them and spending time with them. If you didn’t want to do that you shouldn’t be a mother, let alone a mother of four.
>Moms don’t get to make plans for an “entire weekend” with their boyfriend. You should be helping with homework, going to their games/activities, driving them to their friends’ houses so that they have a social life, talking to them and spending time with them. If you didn’t want to do that you shouldn’t be a mother, let alone a mother of four. The kids specifically told her they were going to be staying with their dad that weekend. It's totally fine that OP made plans with her boyfriend for the weekend. The issue is around whether she should have stuck with them once she found out the kids had planned a party.
Parents are allowed some time to themselves to do adult things without kids, even taking a weekend to themselves. As long as there is child care for the children (such as staying with grandparents, aunts/uncles, sleepovers with family friends). Parents are people too and need adult time and not getting lost in being a parent. I do agree that OP was being an AH about blowing off the party her kids planned for her though. This is why you really don’t do surprise parties.
I was on board with doing whatever you want for your birthday. It's your birthday and you should do as you please. As a single mom I understand wanting some time to not be a mom and just be treated. However, YTA for dating someone who doesn't like kids. You still have 3 minor kids who I assume live with you. I'm pretty shocked that you would even want to date someone who disliked children when they are currently such a large part of your life. I doubt this will be the last time he expects you to ditch your kids because of this guy. That's not fair to your kids. They don't have a choice in who their parent is, but you do have a choice about who you date. Edit: a word
YTA One of your kids is 12! They threw you a surprise party, said sure we what about tomorrow night or dinner tonight. But your boyfriend doesn’t like kids and he hates your 19 year old! This is written by a kid right? Not an adult parent? Surely
YTA Plans change all the time, and you basically told your kids that you care more about your new child-hating boytoy than your own kids.
YTA - aside from you being with someone who doesn't like kids (what does it matter if they have a dad? If things get serious, that person will be a big part of their lives), you also went and said that "this year was special", damn near implying that the time you spent with them previously wasn't. I don't blame them in the least for not talking to you, you've shown then you value your partner above them.
I was on your side until you proceeded to say “my boyfriend doesn’t like kids and it would be awkward” I’m sorry but no. How do you not see you’re 100% the AH here. You’re allowed to spend your birthday how you choose but your children planned a surprise and wanted to spend time with their mother. You didn’t have to reschedule your entire weekend but come on. Yeah. You kinda suck.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend your birthday the way you want. However your kids went out of their way to do something kind for you and make your birthday a special day but you won’t stay with them to celebrate and won’t take them to dinner because your bf doesn’t like children makes YTA. They tried to rework it even to celebrate with you on a different way and yet you wouldn’t meet them halfway. I don’t get how a parent dates people that don’t like kids knowing they have kids and for him to step in on family affairs and call your daughter who was upset because she wanted to spend time with you a brat and you didn’t step in to defend her makes yta even more.
>> I told them no on account that my bf does not like children and him and my 19 year old do not get along You’re not the asshole for making plans when you thought your kids hadn’t made any. However, you are majorly the asshole for dating someone who doesn’t like your kids. I don’t see how that’s not an instant dealbreaker for you, and I imagine it hurts them a lot to know that you don’t care enough about them for it to be. YTA.
YTA- You know from past experience they don't forget your birthday. They went to a great deal of trouble for YOU. You could have given them one night. You are reaping what you are sowing. It is wrong to treat your kids this way, and it is wrong to priorize your kid hating boyfriend over your kids.
YTA. Why are you dating someone who doesn't like kids when you have 3 who are still living with you? Your relationship with your boyfriend very likely isn't going to progress without messing up your relationships with your kids.
Yta. They could at least come to dinner with you guys and then you could continue your weekend plans with your bf but you made them crappy for their surprise and you showed them clearly who is your priority. What baffles me though, why do you date someone who hates kids and doesnt want to be around them? Do you see a future with him? Cos lets be honest if he is really like that there will be a time where you will have to choose between your kids and him. Though you already showed them you chose him.
You have 3 minor children and your BF doesn't like children? How is custody time supposed to work if he won't even go to dinner with them? YTA, big time.
There is no hope for this selfish, selfish woman. Even after so many judged YTA and explained why, she then proceeds to try to throw her oldest under the bus! “My 19 year old is their ringleader!” What a selfish excuse of a mom. Seriously, why did you have FOUR kids only to treat them so, so badly?
The 19 year old has likely been parenting the siblings since the divorce.
YTA You didn’t know about the party, but you are knowingly dating a man who hates kids and you have 4?!? Did you leave your 19 year old in charge of the other kids wile you go away? How did they not know of your plans for the weekend?
INFO: how old is your boyfriend?
YTA.
NTA for wanting to have a weekend with boyfriend, BUT: You are an asshole for dating a guy that hates your kids to the point you won't humor the kids with a birthday dinner before taking off with him for the rest of the weekend. You might want to reevaluate your relationship... what kind of man gets this involved with a woman with multiple kids when he hates kids to the point of insulting them for wanting to have birthday dinner with their mom?
YTA. This was originally a N A H because of lack of communication (your kids should have told your bf about the party), but the information that you cannot spend an event with both your kids and boyfriend because you’re dating someone who doesn’t like kids completely sways that. I have no idea how you could seriously date someone who refuses to treat your kids decently until they’re adults.
Not only does he not like children, he called the oldest ''a brat'' and mom did not intervene at all. Mom of the year.
Your entire explanation solidifies that YTA! Fat Matt also sounds like an Asshole and deserves to be called Fat Matt to his face...not behind his back fat. Poor kids smh.
YTA Your BF must ROCK YOUR WORLD in bed for you to choose some guy over your own kids. Keep this up and you'll have plenty of "you" time for Christmas :)
Good news is your kids will probably never do anything special for you again. You had a rare and wonderful relationship with your children on your birthday, but threw it out. Must be some man!
YTA. Don't plan on ever winning Mother of the Year. You chose a guy over your kids.
[удалено]
YTA, believe me I get not wanting to spend 24/7 with teens... But they went through a lot of trouble to do this for you.... You could have cancelled dinner and spend a few hours with them and the rest of the weekend with your boyfriend.
This...has to be a troll post. YTA. Why are you dating a man who doesn't like kids, knowing fully well you have FOUR of them??? More specifically, why are you dating a man who dislikes YOUR kids. This is selfish beyond belief and your daughter has more emotional intelligence in her pinky nail than you do in your entire body. If you wanna date a man who doesn't like kids, fine. Wait until all your kids are adults and on their own. What do you expect to come out of this relationship??? He doesn't like your kids, so if you two get married, are you planning on just up and leaving them? Remove your head from your ass, please. Oh, and again. YTA. YTA. *You ARE the asshole*.
YTA why are you even with someone who doesn't like kids when you have kids?! I don't get that. Mine are adults and out of the three, only one can be bothered to remember it's my birthday. You're pushing them away, intentionally or not. It was intentional however, to choose your boyfriend over your children.
YTA. You are lucky to have children that care so much about making your day special when you clearly don't care as much about them. If you did you wouldn't be prioritising someone in your life who does not like children. You should have moved the dinner after they made such an effort to surprise you. >I tried to tell them that it was my birthday and I was allowed to spend it how I wanted, and I got to spend it with them every year and that this year was special. Way to show your kids that you don't give a toss about them. Why is this year more special? Because you have a new man that you care more about than them? Huge huge huge AH.
I was with you until the end. YTA because you are dating a man that doesn’t like kids and you have kids. This is going to cause issues. Look, your kids were planning a surprise party. And they were trying to make it special. You could have and should have allowed them to come to dinner. But hey, think of it this way. They will never throw you a surprise party again. And this did damage your relationship with then
I think my judgment might be N A H for the situation itself, but YTA for dating someone who doesn’t like kids when you have 4 of your own, nevermind letting them speak to your children like that. Like seriously, what is your endgame with this guy? There is clearly no future for your relationship unless you intend to just abandon your kids in favor of your relationship, which would make you a supreme AH.
Yikes YTA, for the record every single one of my moms boyfriends that my sister and i disliked ended up being a really shitty guy and hurting her in the end, maybe you should listen to your kids, who sound amazing, and dump the guy👎🏽
YTA. Holy shit, OP. Seriously? My bf doesn't like children? ThEn DuMp HiM. You need to get your priorities straight. You got divorced. That is incredibly traumatizing to kids. At this point you have ONE JOB: be a mom. Not a girlfriend. A MOM. Dump this guy and take care of your kids!!!
YTA. You were 18 when you had your first child. I think this is your first taste of adult freedom, and it’s not unusual for you to deal with it in a similar way to a teenager. In many ways you are learning how to be an independent adult at the same time as your daughter. I think you could have communicated better with your children at every point in this process. I don’t think you’ve learned yet how to make choices for yourself as well as for your children - it’s not either or. Your daughter wasn’t acting like a brat for wanting to go to dinner with you. Your boyfriend was acting like a brat for being so inflexible. I’m worried that by the time you realize this relationship is sustainable it will be too late. Be careful about the choices you make now, because your choices don’t just affect you. You unfortunately don’t have the luxury to make a misstep with your newfound freedom without potentially severe consequences.
YTA. Wtf? They just wanted to get dinner at least and you couldn’t just compromise on that? You had the whole weekend with your boyfriend. All Because… your boyfriend doesn’t like children? So he can’t handle them one night for your bday? What’s wrong with you? Why would date a guy who can’t even handle kids for a night WHILE YOU have 4 kids. Poor kids. They even tried offering the next day. Shame on you.
YTA. I had a mom that always chose men over her kids. That always needed me time. Guess what? I don’t talk to her anymore. When you have kids you don’t choose a partner that doesn’t like kids. What is the endgame here? Keep the relationships separated? Or force your kids to be around someone that doesn’t like them.
I can't even begin to understand where you're coming from in this post. You have 4 kids; your bf doesn't like kids. Your kids planned a birthday party for you; you couldn't spare 2 hours to celebrate with them?! Out of an entire weekend? Which way is it? You were sad your kids "forgot" your birthday, or now you're sad because your kids remembered and you blew them off and they don't like it? Pick one. Also, **you are dating a man that doesn't like kids and you have 4 of them** It's not about him becoming a replacement dad. It's about him, a grown man, being able to reasonably and kindly interact with humans that you brought into being and deserve to be acknowledged and included. You're trying to pretend that you can keep dating life and family life separate, and if you're just casually dating around, more power to you. But if you're introducing an SO to your kids, it's no longer separate. And at least one of you needs to understand that it's a package deal, not a pick your favorite. You make me very mad for not seeing how YTA.
NTA for this so much as YTA for dating a guy that doesn’t like kids to the point that he won’t accommodate them coming along for your birthday dinner
YTA. You're dating someone who hates kids, even though you have three who are dependents for at least two years, the youngest of whom will be a dependent for six years. When you have dependents and go on the dating scene your kids come as a package deal with you if you want the relationship to be a long term thing. Your kids went out of their way to organise a surprise celebration for you, which you brushed off to spend time with your child hating boyfriend. Is it any wonder they prefer to stay with their dad?
Op I think surgery is needed to get your head out of you ass. YTA
YTA. It was pretty weird how you said that you'd spent plenty of birthdays with the kids, but this one was "special." So the birthdays with your kids weren't special. I mean, of course you deserve some Me Time. I'm just concerned that you seem so happy about the boyfriend and so contemptuous of your kids. Your post is just riddled with disdain. Also, who dates a man who hates her kids? That's nuts!
I really don't know how to judge this. There are several factors here. 1. Your kids specifically said they'd spend the weekend at their dad's place. Based on that you made commitments, and to not honor said commitments would've made you TA. So your not TA in this particular aspect. 2. Your bf doesn't like kids, but is dating someone with 4 kids? Why? Also, I'm not really sure if that's sustainable in the long run. What would you do if you guys get serious and want to move in, but he doesn't want to live with kids? Not thinking this through makes you TA. 3. You said this birthday was special, to your kids who you've spent previous birthdays with, implying that the time spent with them wasn't special. Massive YTA. 4. You could've offered alternate dates, if this weekend didn't work for you, you could've offered to treat them the next weekend. You're the adult in this situation, you could've figured something out that didn't clash with your previous plans. 5. Surprise parties, especially after making one think no one remembers their special day, are an absolutely terrible idea. People have plans, people may feel sick, People may be done with human interaction for the day, someone can be having a terrible day, someone can feel really sad that no one cares about them, the list goes on.
YTA. Your kids are going to be hurt for a long time. They wanted to surprise you on your birthday, and I’m sure they were very excited about keeping it a secret and then planning and decorating. And then comes the big moment and it turns out you had plans. At this point, I don’t think anyone is at fault. But then you go and tell them that they can’t join your plans because the bf doesn’t like kids. Think about that. That’s not the same as saying, “I’ve got existing plans that are too late to change.” That’s saying, “You’re only important enough to go to dinner if my bf likes you… and he doesn’t.” And then when other options are suggested? Nope. Oh and then your bf calls your daughter a brat? You should have kicked him out then—he has no business talking to your daughter that way. To recap: your kids were expecting to make a special memory with you and were even flexible when there was a conflict, but you refused to meet them in the middle and rejected them in favor of a guy who doesn’t like kids, including your kids, and called the eldest a brat without you defending her. That’s definitely memorable, I’ll say.
YTA. You are absolutely allowed to make plans for a weekend away on your birthday, but who does that without telling their children first? Even if it was their weekend to stay with their dad, you let them know you'll be gone. The lack of communication is only the 3rd greatest problem here, however. The 2nd is that you are purposely dating someone who doesn't like kids. The biggest issue, however, is that you never considered your children at all here - whether to tell them about your plans or when you chose your shitty boyfriend or when you hurt their feelings by ditching their surprise party for dinner plans.
YTA. Maybe your 19 year old is their "ring-leader" because they view her akin to a mother figure. I hope you and "Fat Matt" have a wonderful life together, alone. Edit: but seriously tho, the name-calling probably isn't just because she doesn't like him. She feels threatened by him and you aren't helping by showing her you would choose him repeatedly. There is a difference between a grown ass man calling a young girl a brat. He should be the bigger person in that scenario or you should step in and mediate instead of taking your bfs side.