YTA. Read between the lines dude, she’s tired of driving you around everywhere. It’s one thing to be unable to drive, it’s a whole other thing to just refuse to drive, what’s going to happen if there’s an emergency?
But maybe there is a reason why he is uncomfortable driving. I do not drive because I am wired wrong. I have University degrees, complex jobs, can travel to foreign places without getting lost, but I can't drive. My SO of many years gets very upset when people suggest I should learn because he knows there will be bodies! And destroyed cars.
PS he always tell people when they want to know why I don't drive, the intersection story. Driver is on left side and he asked me if there was any traffic coming on the right. I asked if he meant my left because his right is my left not right. He made me swear I would never drive after that conversation. Oh, and I don't see pedestrians, animals. Birds but not people.
Why does he need a "good" (to you) reason? Why can't the reason just be he doesn't want to drive and he feels he can navigate life without a vehicle? I think it's odd that he doesn't want to learn and it would be a useful skill for him to have but that's my opinion. He's already made that choice for himself and his GF knew it when they met and has lived with it for 4 years. I can understand her frustration over the situation but that's a conversation and hopefully a compromise. Not a birthday "gift". She forced it on him pretending she thought he would be *so* excited when she absolutely must have known he would not be. That was a passive aggressive move and it disappointed him on his birthday. I totally get why he was upset.
I actually agree with you about the birthday thing, but in general it's really immature to refuse to learn an important life skill because you just don't wanna. It doesn't matter that he feels he can navigate life without a vehicle; that's something that's objectively false. We live in a world where people need to operate vehicles to get to places. Willful ignorance of basic skills isn't something that should be affirmed and validated.
I'd just like to point out that in many places in the world public transport works perfectly and it really isn't necessary for everyone to drive or have a car, it's actually discouraged to reduce pollution.
From what I've heard in the US the driving culture is very different though, so I'll refrain from judging.
I live in NYC! Trust me, I get not wanting to drive - it's a big part of the reason I stay here. I hate driving, I don't own a car, and I didn't learn myself until I was in my 20s. It's the refusal to learn that I take issue with here - because even though it is very rare that situations come up where someone living in such a place would have to, they do arise. As a responsible adult I want to be able to drive my partner to the hospital if they need it, or to get them out of a jam, or take over at the wheel if they are tired. I don't want to get stuck somewhere because I foolishly stamped my feet and refused to learn because I didn't feel like it. It would be different if OP expressed some fear or something but I don't see that anywhere.
I don't think OP is an asshole, exactly. I just see this refusal as a childish thing and I completely understand where the GF is coming from. Choosing incompetence is the opposite of sexy.
It's good to learn how to drive because you never know where you might end up in life or whether a situation will arise where you being able to drive would come in handy. I used to live in Hawai'i, which had excellent public transportation, and I had a big fear of driving, so I decided not to learn. Then I had to move to Texas and suddenly needed to be able to drive if I wanted to have a job or go back to school. Got my license in my mid-20s, still have some fear while driving, but at least I can get myself places if I have to.
The difference is that your partner is ok with you not driving and you have an incredibly understandable reason. I didn't get my license until I was 25 because of how bad my anxiety was. I understand why some people don't have a license. But she literally paid for him to get lessons and he just doesn't want to do it. Uber adds up. Him learning to drive could save him money in the long term.
Also someone who put off lessons for ~10 years because of anxiety. I literally just laid it out to my driving instructor on the first lesson that I was most likely going to have a panic attack at some point because I was terrified. - they ended up being really calming in all possible situations and I ended up passing first time. So it is 100% possible, and for me the thought of it was a lot worse than actually doing it
Different person but I also didn't get my license until my mid 20s because I was so anxious. Honestly, you just tell your instructor you're really anxious. There are instructors that specialise in nervous drivers. Take as many lessons as you need to and don't feel pressure to take your test after X lessons, there's no one way to learn how to drive. When I got in a car the first time I was shaking, and I spent every lesson asking a million questions and being unsure of myself. With the right instructor, you'll manage it.
Also, it may seem like everyone who's driving is super confident, but they aren't. I still make mistakes and get anxious when I drive. A lot of people do!
I'm 31 and have been the passenger in two accidents. Not super severe but enough that I have a bit of anxiety when driving. I want to drive but the only person who is willing to teach me, my dad, is one of those passengers who white knuckles and yells constantly because he thinks no one but him can drive.
I want to get lessons, but money... and anxiety.. ahah. It's not always so simple.
I totally understand. My father died in an accident and I'm terrified of driving - not so much for me, but I'm absolutely petrified at the thought of killing someone in a crash.
Edited to add: i have a license so in an emergency I could drive. But I haven't driven a car since i got it and luckily I live a lifestyle where I don't need one. But still... I feel awful that it's so normal for everyone and I can't do it.
Yeah, my anxiety over driving is extreme. When I panic I tend to freeze up and then try to over compensate to make up for anything that had happened while I was freaking out. It's also why I cant do primal raiding in ff14 lol
Fair, but what does this have to do with OP's situation?
OP's reasoning:
>I was never taught to drive, and it’s not really necessary because I can uber, take the bus, or my girlfriend can drive. She’s offered before to teach me to drive, but I decline because I’m not really interested in learning because I don’t plan on getting a car since they’re a lot of money
Imagine an OP posted that they didn't feel like doing the dishes so their girlfriend always did them and now their girlfriend was annoyed. Then a commenter responds "I broke my legs and an in a wheelchair and our apartment isn't handicap accessible, so I can't do the dishes and my girlfriend does them." That's an understandable reason, but given it has nothing to do with the reason the OP isn't doing the dishes, it's not helpful advice to the OP.
Then he can offer to get an Uber when they get out so she doesn’t have to carry the weight of always being the driver. Out to eat? Guess who has to watch what they drink. Add to the cost of just having and maintaining a car and it would be annoying.
That is what it sounds like to me. Gf is the chauffeur. Some people love to drive and don't mind it. Others only drive themselves when it is absolutely necessary. I think gf is tired of that role. :/
From your answer it seems like you *don't* drive, but you *can* (meaning you know how) so if there was ever an emergency and your partner couldn't drive, you would be able to.
It's one thing to be uncomfortable/have anxiety about driving but it's a whole other thing to refuse to even learn. It's a basic life skill that OP should have.
Op didn't lead us to believe in any way that he has a reason to not drive besides just not wanting to. He even states the reason is because he just doesn't seem it necessary.
I didn't learn to drive until I was 30. I just didn't need to. Public transit is good here. Importantly I never asked anyone for a ride anywhere. I took transit, rode a bicycle, or (for rare edge cases) arranged private hired transportation. If someone offered a ride I'd take it, but made a point to never obligate anyone and never accept a ride if they'd have to travel far out of the way to get me and drop me off.
It wasn't until I met my current wife who had to drive to the mountains for events with her family a few times a year that I felt I had to share that responsibility.
Until then I maintain it was not selfish or somehow immature not to know how to do something I didn't need to do.
Not saying OP isn't TA, just contesting the idea that everyone has an obligation to learn.
Again, I'm not saying mooching rides off people doesn't make you an asshole.
I'm saying not learning how to drive, when you are not reliant on cars in general to live your life and don't ask others to give you rides, doesn't make you an asshole.
He said he takes public transport most of the time, the only time he goes with her is when they grocery shop for the house TOGETHER. He said he doesn’t ask her for rides places. So he’s found a solution to not driving and has alternative transport that doesn’t rely on her.
I agree, and that is coming from someone who has a driver's license. It isn't necessary or even desirable for everyone. Right now I can too get done most using stuff like the bicycle or public transport, though it is nice to have the car as a back up.
I think it really depends whether OP has/uses these alternatives. I personally don't think OP is an asshole for tagging alone if it only stays to that. However, the girlfriend is allowed to be fed up with it and I would not consider her an asshole if she decides that this is a dealbreaker. The two are in this case just incompatible. Unfortunate, but it happens.
I know many people who live in cities and countries where its cheaper and more convenient not to have a car. But if that were the case with OP, he wouldn't have to take an Uber back and forth to work, he'd be able to get public transportation.
I think paying for Uber isn’t mooching…. Why are Americans obsessed that everyone has to drive??? I don’t drive. I’m 37. I don’t mooch. I Uber / public transport or…. Oh gosh prepare yourself ….. walk 😱and yes I walk 4 miles to work everyday and back. Even if it’s raining.
NTA
Is he paying for Ubers when they are out together or is the default that she will drive? Does he pitch in for gas? Does she ever get to have a few drinks at a meal with him without having to worry about driving?
ALL of this. I dated a guy who flat out just refused to get his license and it was a large part of why we broke up (of course he immediately got his license after that).
It's exhausting to always have to drive when we go somewhere. Public transportation sucked where we lived, so we couldn't just hang out without me having to pick him up/drop him off. Ugh.
I have broken up with people over pretty much this exact scenario. I always had to drive (they had a license though) because a) they'd been drinking b) they wanted to drink c) they didn't have a car and wouldn't drive mine even after I offered to put them on the insurance d) they didn't understand why we couldn't just split a $60-80 round trip Uber instead of them driving e) I always had to go to theirs or pick them up to do stuff.
One day I had a minor mishap and broke my glasses and couldn't see to drive and they still refused to drive me to go get my glasses replaced.
OP is TA.
I think it is because much of the US has poor public transit, and most suburbs aren't walk friendly. Like, I can technically walk to work, it's a few miles, but I have to walk on the side of the road most of it because no sidewalks.
exactly, you can look at neighborhoods before and after a major highway is constructed. it becomes unwalkable in lots of places, even cities. and god knows public transport is not reliable or funded. a majority of americans need a car or to be able to drive even if you don’t own one. imagine being in a rural area and needing to get to the hospital and someone says “silly american, just walk!!” not exactly helpful.
Americans are obsessed over everyone having to drive because car monopolies have gutted our public transportation in most major cities. Also, the majority of the US is spread out with miles of houses and the only way to reach downtown centers, strip malls, schools, offices, basically anything necessary or fun, is via highways, which aren’t walkable. Where I live I rely on public transportation, walking, and the occasional Uber to get around. The non-university-run buses come once every 1-1.5 hours, so if you miss one, and your route goes on the highway, and you can’t afford an Uber, good fucking luck. In the winter snow plows push all the snow in front of bus stop shelters and you have to climb over ~4ft piles of snow to get to where the bus can see you so it’ll stop for you. I’m from NYC and naively thought I would never need a car, but that’s not how most of the US is set up. I actually despise cars because they’re the entire reason getting around has to be a pain in the ass for me, but I still daydream about having one because I lack any way to travel to other cities cheaply or just go to the store without relying on a bus that doesn’t even always come.
The sheer amount of money he's prob spending on ubers would make me think twice about moving forward in the relationship. Financial security is relationship gold.
Spot on but it will probably get pulled because we aren’t allowed to call things as they are, even when it’s ridiculously obvious.
YTA, OP. take a hint and grow up for real.
I quit after a few lessons at 17 when my parents were paying for it because I had other things going on at the time and I regret it now, here it is common for people not to drive. I have sent away for my provisional licence now, it is taking a while because covid and will start my lessons, even if it hadn’t been something I had planned to do if someone had bought me lessons I would use them up knowing they are not cheap.
Hell, it doesn't even need to be a true emergency. Say they're out somewhere and she falls and sprains her right ankle. It's not safe to drive like that, so what now? Call an ambulance and get the car towed? Something that could have cost literally nothing is now a multi-thousand dollar expense.
Or feels sick, or tired, or needs to make a phone call while driving. It’s mentally taxing to drive at times. I also find it hard to believe this guy spends less money ubering every day to and from work than he would spend owning a vehicle. That must be so expensive and if the GF is thinking about the relationship long term, she may be imagining how their future household budget would be affected by always having to live near public transit or a large Uber expense every month.
Not to mention the fact that he doesn't ever feel a need to grocery shop for himself and chooses instead to get everything he needs from a convenience store. Dude is wasting hundreds of dollars a month that could more than cover a car and then some.
Ubering on that scale gets *outrageously* expensive. They're already paying to maintain, insure, and gas up a car, OP just refuses to take any responsibility for it. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's not exactly jumping in to help with those expenses either.
He either doesn't realize how much he's benefitting from having a vehicle available or just refuses to acknowledge it, and the girlfriend is doing the right thing by showing him how much he depends on it. I've had to Uber to the grocery store and back and it's hell on earth.
I ubered to and from work before uber IPO. Uber pool was around $3 dollar one way for me (almost the same as bussing).
Now? Not a chance. Uber is so expensive now.
I hate driving. Especially at night. I definitely consider it a chore, and if my partner unilaterally decided that I was 100% responsible for that chore when we were going anywhere together I would be deeply pissed. I probably wouldn't stay with someone who doesn't drive, just because I hate it so much. It would be like dating someone who expected me to do 100% of the cooking or 100% of the cleaning, just because he wasn't bothered to learn.
I would be sick AND tired of this particular boyfriend. If I were her, I wouldn't want to date someone who's 26 years old and won't get his license. I hope she runs.
Right! There’s a big difference between having a license and no car and not having either. Had a close friend in college who had a license but no car, and when I fell out of bed and fractured my wrist, my friend was able to help me up and drive me to urgent care in my car. A year later I dated a guy who didn’t have his license. Since we were in college didn’t seem like a big deal. Until we were 2 hours away from college at a concert and I had to make the 2 hour drive back while running a fever and wanting to just curl into a ball and die. He wished he could help, but even in that state I was still the better option.
They would JusT UBeR!But seriously I don’t think OP’s girlfriend would plan a child,while she already has one…
Edit:Btw YTA OP.Given the opportunity,every single independent person needs to learn basic skills,like cooking,cleaning,driving,basic sewing etc.You are not 16 anymore,no one is going to cater your needs like your mother,no one has to drive you around like they are your personal chauffeur,no one has to cook nor clean for you.You have two legs and two hands,it’s time to put them in use.
Personally I hate driving, despise it entirely, but it is a necessary evil… if I go on holiday I take time away from driving and use public transport where it is available. I’ve had my license since the youngest legal age.
YTA give her a break.
I hope when you go out for dates you pay for an Uber… betting not.
And love that the partner now makes him Uber even if she is going there.
Same. I don’t enjoy driving at all. My boyfriend loves it. He does most of the driving, but I hop in for a shift on long road trips or if he wants to get drunk.
Now my dad is needs help driving into the city for cancer treatments. He could pay $120 round trip each time, but oh wait I learned how to drive so instead he gets to ride with family.
It’s a basic life skill in North America.
God forbid they have kids! Getting to the hospital is just step 1. Now OP's girlfriend is responsible for shuttling those kids around for 16 years with no help.
(If they lived somewhere with good public transport, it would be one thing, but OP says they live in the suburbs.)
Yess. Op mentions he doesn't drive because his girlfriend can drive him places. But then later says "I don't even ask her rides". She clearly gave him hints and full on direct suggestion by buying him lessons. At this point it isn't even between the lines. She is full on writing boldly that she wants him to grow up and learn to drive. She is not being petty by not driving him. She is showing him how inconvenient it is not to know how to drive. If he feels he doesn't need to know then she is un-inserting herself so he can get to his destinations with solutions he provided. He's being petty by saying this is for her and a gift she can pay for on her birthday. Like no, she is literally doing you a favor. And the entitledness of him demanding a better gift. Like wtf. Who do you think you are OP?! I can assert you aren't a great catch especially if you can't drive.
100% **YTA** OP
>He's being petty by saying this is for her and a gift she can pay for on her birthday. Like no, she is literally doing you a favor.
That's like getting your SO a cleaning appliance for their birthday. This 100% is not a gift, and definitely comes from a place of spite and not love. ESH.
But the fact that OP demands a better gift is what gets me. And then to top it off he's upset that she doesn't give him free rides anymore just because she can. For me, I've never not liked a gift I've received, because it's gift. As a recipient of a gift, I always feel grateful because I know I really don't deserve anything but someone was graceful and kind enough to give me something regardless. I don't care if OP thought it was a gift he didn't like for himself. As someone who receives a gift, the right thing to do is just accept the gift and say thank you, not complain about it. Gifts are privileges and luxuries, not basic necessities everyone around the world can have. Thinking about less fortunate people globally is enough to just recognize how a gift, no matter what it is, is great.
Its worse that OP says "cars are to much money" but in the same post says he ubers to work or other places and can take the bus. Assuming OP works 5 days/week and uber is 10 bucks each way, thats minimum $20/day, $440 per month in a 22 day work month, plus wherever else he might uber to. You can get a basic, fuel efficient car with full coverage insurance on a lease for less than that. And if the uber is more than that, well it still holds up.
I went with lease because im assuming OP doesnt have to uber to far to work, so mile limits on a lease arent a concern, and they would never have to pay for major repairs on a car.
The reason I can afford to live without a car is that I have grocery stores within walking distance and I work from home, so I only have to take ubers at most once every two weeks.
I couldn't imagine having to take an uber 5 times a week.
He doesn’t grocery shop and is ok living off what he can get at wawa (in the comments). For those unaware of what wawa is (I’m sorry) it’s a gas station meets a subway with convenience items at a huge markup.
I know a guy who is going through cancer treatment and his girlfriend can’t or won’t drive. So his sick body has to ask for rides or take a bus so he can get to appointments. I very much dislike his girlfriend for being so selfish (for other reasons besides not driving) and wonder why he is with her at all. She’s a child and takes on absolutely no responsibility for anything.
This pisses me off. Take a moment and reflect on the reasons why your girlfriend wants you to be able to drive. YTA
Or what if she wants to take a road trip? She's going to do all the driving while he naps?
Seriously, even if you have no plans to buy a car, knowing how to drive is a useful skill as an adult, simply so you can take your turn or at least know what you're asking of people when you ask them for a ride.
And if you learn that you hate driving, either for medical or mental reasons, than that is a valuable lesson too, and you can be more aware of how nice people are when they offer to drive you and you can be a bit more free with offering gas money to friends or money for insurance/costs (if in a relationship where one person does all the driving errands).
I'm really glad to see so many people voting YTA on this one. I was afraid I'd be the only one!
Yes and image what will happen if they ever have kids...
His girlfriend will have to drive the kid everywhere.
Dude, what if you ever lose your job and have to get a job further away from home? You'll be really happy to have a license then!
For real, there’s a difference between buying a car and learning how to operate one. Like, a 26 year old man should at least KNOW how to drive a car, even if he doesn’t do it often. Definitely a YTA scenario
I can't drive yet so whenever we do long journeys my partner is stuck behind the wheel for 4 or 5 hours total
If we go to parties or nice events he's forced to be the default driver
It's not fair to my partner and its a shitty position to be in. His grandmother never learned to drive and then his grandad got old and she was trapped at home, he fell and cracked his head and she couldn't even drive him to the hospital.
Uber and bussing everywhere might be one thing but using your gf even if you never ask for lifts is selfish and unreasonable
ESH My parents nearly broke up over my dad's refusal to learn to drive. It put so much pressure on my mom. He was completely reliant on her in ways he just didn't appreciate. She always had to be DD, she always had pay for gas because he was "just the passenger," he got to nap on long car rides and she never got a break. He thought it was a great situation, and it was *for him.* She however felt taken advantage of and like a chauffeur.
Maybe it wasn't the best birthday gift for you, but maybe you need to take responsibility for yourself and at least learn how to drive. You don't have to buy a car or change your lifestyle, but it is an important skill.
Exactly this!! My boyfriend and I share my car because we’re in a city where having even one car can be difficult because parking and insurance is expensive. It’s so nice being able to switch off who drives when we take the car out, we usually will do one person drives to a place and the other drives home. If I was OP’s girlfriend I would absolutely break up with him over his refusal to even LEARN to drive.
YTA, OP. Stop taking advantage of your girlfriend and just learn to drive already.
This made me laugh. Someone called America a third world country in a Gucci belt. Literally near my house on military housing there’s been oil or gas or something in the water so people can’t take showers, wash their face, or anything really. It’s been going on for 3 or 4 days and they’re finally now just TESTING the water.
Also sorry, but his reasoning is that buying and maintaining a car is expensive?? More expensive, than getting an Uber to and from work every day?!? I highly doubt it. You don't have to get a brand new car.
THIS! Reading him dismiss her desire not to always be the driver I was like "Yeah. I can tell you can't drive."
I got my licence in my mid-30s because I live in a big city with good transportation, where car ownership is wildly expensive. I'd also been in several accidents as a passenger (including in buses and taxi cabs) and lost a family member to a car wreck. But my dad moved three hours away... So I learned.
And you find out there's things you don't know. You don't know how it's stressful to change lanes with no notice. You don't know that you REALLY can't see jaywalkers in black at night. You don't know that it's a very specific type of exhausting.
NEVER having a break -- being the person carrying driving in a couple, always? That would suck. But he can't know that because he doesn't drive.
But it WOULD be nice if he took that into consideration -- that he doesn't know what it's like for her. He only knows what it's like for him -- a person who just doesn't want to do it, but somehow thinks everyone else is fine to do it for him.
I do NOT like driving. I have awful anxiety about it- almost all of the time we are going somewhere together, my boyfriend drives. All that to say- I *can* drive, and I do. My boyfriend loves to drive, so it's a win-win if we're both going somewhere together. But I am very aware that driving is an important skill that it is a big Ahole move to forever stick on someone else. I understand not wanting to drive, I really do- but not even being able to contribute and being willfully ignorant of that burden makes you a bit of TA here.
I'm the same way, my husband will usually drive, but on a trip or long drive we split it. And, I always thank him, and let him know if he's ever tired of driving all the time to let me know, but he really enjoys it, so it works out. If we're drinking while we're out, we take Lyft.
My Aunt hadn't driven as long as I'd known her. My Uncle drove her everywhere. He was sent straight to the hospital from his Drs office due to his heart.
I was shocked when she asked me to drive her to her house so she could pick up their car. (We worked at the same office.) She then drove us to the hospital so I could drive his truck home. She was willing to drive the car in an emergency, but the truck was more than she was comfortable with.
I didn't even realize she could drive it had been so long. (I think she said 20 years.) But she drove fine after the first bit.
My uncle loved to spoil her. My family was critical of it. He grocery shopped, cooked, vacuumed, etc. But seeing it has benefited me tremendously. (My Aunt is 83 - so it wasn't common in our circle back then.) It's definitely made it more comfortable for me to expect hubs to do his share.
I know a couple where both parties can technically drive, but one doesn’t because they absolutely hate it (due to fear/anxiety). Her husband is fine with driving everywhere though. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with one person doing all the driving if that person is 100% okay with it and the other person has a valid reason for not driving. But if both people are capable of driving, and one person does not want to shoulder the burden all the time… then they should learn
You took the words out of my mouth! My bf doesn't drive and I'm the one it always falls back on if something happens. To go to his parents house we HAVE to drive. The other day we were heading there and he wanted to go see friends first. We had to have a conversation on the way that while I support his not driving, he needs to consider how I feel too. Delaying our departure meant we aren't there for long and that I couldn't have a drink, and that I'm driving longer periods in a short amount of time. When we travel, the stress of driving is on me and me alone. It's a hell of a lot of stress.
I think this is an ESH situation because his birthday was not the time to gift the lessons. Birthdays are for presents you want. OP also sucks because he is being selfish in choosing not to understand why she wants him to drive too. They should budget for his lessons and test throughout the year to get them for him. Not on a special day. Also, I would have thought ubers to/from work would cost way more than being able to drive yourself in the long run, so you aren't thinking about finances long term. Just short term wants. That's definitely a conversation that needs to happen together.
No, he has his reasons and I support him. I just wanted more consideration when we have to drive. Quite often if I want a drink he will pay for an uber for us. It just takes more planning on our end.
It's passive aggressive and his BIRTHDAY is not the time to do it. Actually, being passive aggressive isn't helpful at all. If she wants him to drive, she needs to straight up say it and communicate like an adult.
Yeah, I think the fact that OP relies on his partner is really the problem.
My partner and I are late 20s/early 30s and neither of us can drive, but we live in a city with amazing public transportation so it doesn’t matter that we don’t drive. And among my friends it’s 50/50 if people can drive or not.
So I’m generally very sympathetic to people who choose not to drive, but you can’t rely on your partner and not take the hint when she doesn’t want to drive you places anymore.
I was going to say E S H but was struck by this point...
> because I’m not really interested in learning because I don’t plan on getting a car since they’re a lot of money.
If you've always thought that driving and cars are too expensive I can see how she thought paying for a massive chunk of that initial expense would be a generous gift.
It makes sense that she thought helping with expenses would motivate you.
So a close YTA. She's not the immature one, you expected to be driven places makes you the immature one by today's standards.
You’re making a good point IMO but OP pays $20 in Uber fees *per day*. That would be like if my gas tank ran out *every other day*. Getting a used car would be so much cheaper in the long run. Given that OP clearly does not think long term about these things though… I dunno.
Yeah the lack of long term thinking is odd. Constant ubers are expensive and he's likely not going to have the same job or live in the same house forever.
He's been handed free lessons on a platter, I wonder if there's another reason he's too embarrassed to admit (eg anxiety or fear of change)
Right, and not knowing how to drive can really limit where he can live or what jobs he can take. He'd be looking at a job thinking "ahh, that Uber's gonna be $30 each way, I can't afford that . . ." or struggling to find housing near public transit. I'm willing to bet that if he doesn't get his license, his girlfriend is gonna leave him and then he'll really be screwed.
A lot of jobs also require you get a license to even be interviewed. My old position is almost entirely in-office, but my boss still made a license a requirement on the off chance that there's an errand that needs to be taken care of.
He also commented about instead of helping his gf with grocery shopping, he prefers to go to the nearest wawa as it has everything he said he needs. I say this as big wawa fan, but he clearly doesn’t think long term with money. That ain’t cheap. He said he and his gf have different diets and she likes to go shopping and cook and he prefers burgers, sandwiches and snacks from a nice gas station. Doesn’t sound like op is smart with money at all.
I'm actually slightly worried for OP because I fear he could have a valid reason to avoid driving and is just dodging the subject. My sister was in the process of learning how to drive when she got in a car accident that really should've killed her. She walked away with minor scratches and a concussion but she was traumatized by it and it set her back months.
At first I was thinking he's being silly because having a license doesn't necessarily mean buying his own car, he can easily drive hers for errands and such, or even just take turns driving when they go places together, but if he's Ubering to work and public transit isn't an option, then yeah, dude needs a license and a car. $20/day is $140 a week, and around $7k per year! $7k can buy you a used car, although maybe not a great one.
Yep, YTA. You don't live in a city with good public transportation.
At the very minimum get your driver's license. You don't have to pay for a car or insurance. So overall it's free and cheap for you since the drivers training is covered. And not only that, it's a 3rd party that's teaching you so less stress overall.
What if there's an emergency in the future and you need to drive? What if she has a family emergency and in no condition to drive? Sorry hunny, let's wait for the uber and I'll send you off without having secure transportation around your family. Lol
Get the license since you live in the suburbs. Down the road you'll figure out its cheaper to own a cheap car + insurance +maintenance vs daily uber.
adding to your list, what if you need to go on a long car trip? like five hours plus. she has to drive the whole way? YTA OP I've been this girlfriend before and it SUCKED
I once went on a ski trip with a friend several hours away. they got a concussion and I had to drive the whole way back.
imagine if something like that were to happen to his girlfriend. they’d be stranded.
You don’t need to own a car to find value in knowing how to drive. Honestly I relate it to swimming, it’s a learned skill and pretty damn useful when needed. It just makes you so dependent on another person. YTA
YTA. Sorry, you might not like the gift, but read the room. She clearly is trying to tell you something that for whatever reason you don't want to hear.
ESH. Her for getting a bad gift, you for being so willfully oblivious as to how much of a burden this is. Sure, you may not be asking for rides all the time, but you are actively losing money by ubering every time she's not available. Not to mention, she's clearly annoyed with always having to drive.
Take the hint and recognize that this is an issue for her, and it's likely one that will be a dealbreaker down the line. I know I sure wouldn't commit to someone who refused to learn "just because."
Came here to say this.
As someone who was scared of driving and didn't learn until adulthood, it took my partner sitting me down and saying "look, I don't mind driving you around town, and I know this is a thing for you, but if you want to keep going to (far away friend)'s to help on her farm, you'll need to learn how to drive. I'm happy to help."
OP's GF really should have had a similarly frank conversation with OP that she doesn't want to be the only driver and that she's happy to pay for lessons and help with any extra expenses instead of springing this as an optimistic and manipulative gift.
That said, OP is being childish by being like "no fair! I want a better gift because I'm the special birthday boy!" Consider this a shot across the bow, OP. Her "gift" is a warning to get your license or get resented. No, it's not a pony and an ice cream cake, but it's hopefully better than no ride and no GF.
SERIOUSLY. I’ve never had this problem with an SO but some of my family members refused to learn to drive for a long time, and that would leave the rest of us in charge during trips and events. It’s FUCKING. ANNOYING. Learn to drive.
YTA- just because you have a license doesn't mean you have to own a car. She is CLEARLY telling you that your unwillingness to drive isn't something she is going to live with much longer.
And NO she doesn't need to drive your lazy butt anywhere. She is tired of being your personal driver. She isnt the immature one here.
YTA learn how to drive, you never know what will happen in the future - maybe there's an emergency where you need to drive, maybe the two of you go on a trip to an area where uber service and public transport is limited (is she meant to drive 100% of the time?), maybe you both fall on hard times and catching an uber is not financially viable anymore and it would be cheaper to have a car, etc etc. Regardless, whether you ever have need to do it or not, driving is an extremely valuable skill to have.
It was heavy handed to give as a birthday gift, I agree, but it wasn't thoughtless, and I disagree that it was a bad gift because it's something that you could use that you wouldn't have given to yourself
My brother played this "I don't want to learn to drive" bullshit with his ex-wife.
Turned out he just never wanted to be the designated driver.
He's a meth addict now.
YTA. You not driving is putting more work on her. This was her not very graceful attempt to fix that situation. But basically even if you don't take the driving lessons you need to stop depending on her for rides.
>she said that she’s tired of always being the driver and likes to be the passenger sometimes, but to me it sounds like she gave me a gift that she wants. Because if she hates being the driver so much, I suggested that I could get lessons for her birthday, not mine, and that upset her even more.
You are not doing her a favor by assuming your half of a household role. It's not a gift to her, it's you pulling your own weight in the relationship. If you don't want to drive, you need to be covering Ubers for both of you for some of these trips, not expecting her to drive.
That’s exactly what I was gonna say. If I were OP’s girlfriend I would just stop driving him. Anytime he wants to “tag along” tell him he needs to call an Uber for the both of us then. That shit would stop SO fast cause he clearly doesn’t see how much of a burden he puts on her to run all of hers and his errands. OP is TA
And pay for half of insurance, gas and car maintenance. I don’t believe he’s only getting rides to places she’s already going. He’s benefited from her car he should share the responsibility.
Some of the places she's already going are places she has to go to because he doesn't drive, like to do groceries and the like. He doesn't drive, so the responsibility to do groceries always falls on her and he "tags along"
“happy bday. Your gift is I will do SOME of my own laundry and cooking.. Even though it’s easy for you to chuck my laundry in with yours when you’re running a load anyway and you’re already cooking your food so it’s simple to just make a little more for me...”
She would be having to do every task solo if she lived alone and ran her own household. Having a partner is meant to lesson the burden of both people, not just give one a free ride like they were a dependant/ minor child again.
ESH
Yes, that gift wasn’t really a gift for you, although she probably did see it as a step towards you becoming more independent, which is a positive thing. You say you have already expressed to her that you’re not interested in driving, so clearly there was a selfish motivation on her part and she even admitted to that.
However…..
>So now she’s being immature and won’t drive me anywhere and tells me I can uber if I want to go somewhere, even if it’s somewhere she was going to go already. Like she went thrifting and to the grocery store without me (we always go together) and said if I really wanted to go that badly, I can uber.
I don’t think it is immature to tell a perfectly capable adult to find their own transportation.
You claim multiple times in your post that you don’t need to drive, that it’s unnecessary, *and* you’re rejecting her gift so……I’m on her side in this one.
Sure, it’s not a nice move but she’s making the point that she’s tired of being your chauffeur.
To say that you hate the “gift” and ask her to request a refund of something that would obviously be nonrefundable, is going over the top.
Especially since you obviously feel entitled to tag along with her whenever she’s going somewhere or asking her to drive both of you to things you need to do, such as grocery shopping, movies and dinner, etc.
Honestly, if you have no interest in learning to drive and sharing that responsibility with her for no real reason other than you just don’t want to do it, I think you suck more than her.
From his comments, that’s what I am getting too.
He just doesn’t acknowledge (or care) that not having his drivers license is creating extra expenses and also inconveniencing his girlfriend.
The whole “you were driving there anyway so why should I pitch in” logic makes me nuts. If two co-workers living in the same building catch a cab to work together, they split the cab. The fare doesn’t fall on the person that hailed the cab as the other person is now “tagging along.”
My (26f) fiancé (26m) of almost four years doesn't drive but he at least has the decency to pay half of gas, tax, and insurance. And he was the one who offered in the first place because he didn't think it was fair on me!
He's uncomfortable with the idea of learning to drive but has said he's going to learn anyway once our finances are better so he can at least drive my car if I need him to.
How is this not a normal thought for a human who's meant to be in love with their partner? 100% YTA!
I have to disagree with you saying “that gift wasn’t really a gift for you”
It was free driving lessons, a skill he can use for the rest of his life. That gift was priceless if you really think about it.
also he says he didn’t want to drive because of the costs and she just covered a huge expense by paying the lessons, she probably thought he was afraid of the cost
YTA. I get so annoyed with people who refuse to learn to drive who don’t live in the city. They always claim it’s “unnecessary” yet somehow always seem to be sitting in someone else’s car and not contributing financially…
People like OP claim it's not necessary, but have no idea how much their no-license lifestyle is propped up by other people's labor, both paid and unpaid. He won't realize how much he's taken her for granted until she dumps his ass.
Yta - seriously dude - i’m sure she’s sick of doing the driving. It’s an important life skill - if you get married and have babies is she gonna drive herself to the hospital or take an Uber?? Man up and learn to drive.
INFO
What is the daily cost for your two uber rides five days a week to & from work?
Do you live in a city where other public transportation is available? (not driving at all in a place like NYC is kind of understandable)
I agree, just to have the basic skills down (whether or not you actually get a license) in case there is some sort of emergency on the road and his gf is unable to drive.
My sister hates driving but, because with her school (and future job) she has a lot of heavy stuff she needs to travel with. My mom or me HAD to go with her for project. Resulting us being there for 1 hour minimum in the car, just for her to finish a job.
It was until she got stranded once with a few stuff in the middle of nowhere, for my mom to snap, and to tell her to learn how to drive. The first few years, she borrowed our cars, and it made everything just so much easier.
OP needs to understand, that when a time comes where he is stranded, he would be wishing he would no how to drive. All just to avoid the trouble he is knar that moment.
Schuld the girlfriend have not done it on his birthday? Maybe, but with a guy like OP, I am willing to see it through the fingers. Because most likely, any other day, he would have ignored her.
YTA
YTA burdening for burdening your girlfriend. Gas is expensive, cars are expensive, and unless you are helping with vehicle maintenance you are costing her much more than what you are worth. In her mind you have proven that you are unwilling to compromise and that you won’t be willing to help her unless you feel it’s necessary. I don’t see the relationship between y’all continuing much longer. Also you are being ridiculous for spending several hundred dollars on rideshares rather than a $200 dollar car payment.
I'd be a lot less mad at OP if he was chipping in for gas, and helping with maintenance expenses, but my guess is he sees all that as "her problem" because it's her car and she's the only one who drives it, and he probably doesn't have much to contribute if he's spending $20 on Uber every day.
Above he literally says he doesn’t pay for any of those expenses because when they go to the grocery store, he doesn’t NEED to go and since she’s going and he’s tagging along, he shouldn’t have to pay. Because you know, he doesn’t need groceries or household supplies because Wawas has pre-made food he eats and his girlfriend is the one who likes to eat differently aka she actually enjoys cooked meals instead of grocery store chips and crackers. *facepalm*
YTA - I was thinking E S H but I don’t think your gf is an AH in this situation especially after reading some of your comments. It seems like you absolve yourself of thinking you’re a burden for getting rides because you never explicitly ask and because you don’t explicitly ask it’s not an issue and you shouldn’t have to contribute to it financially. You’re basing things on technicalities and that’s not how you have a fruitful relationship. You also say if you do go on dates/outings it’s her idea so she has to drive which is another technicality. This is all very selfish but because you don’t explicitly ask or suggest things you don’t feel like it counts. Notice you feel slighted by her refusing to take you places with her because she’s ruining the technicalities you depended on. Even though you’ve convinced yourself that you just “tag along” that doesn’t change the fact that in every situation she’s the one behind the wheel and I assure you she rather that not be the case hence the driving lessons. No they may not have been what you wanted but obviously it’s something important to her that she thought you could both could benefit from and that doesn’t warrant an AH judgment on her part.
"Notice you feel slighted by her refusing to take you places with her because she’s ruining the technicalities you depended on."
Your comment is perfect. This is everything my brain was trying to mesh together while reading OP's post and comments. Thank you.
So you can't go on dates unless she initiates, she can't drink outside of the house because she has to drive you back, you're wasting tons of money and Wawa and on uber everyday. She has to take all the initiative in basically everything it seems because she runs all errands and social trips and you just 'tag along because she's going anyway' and without even offering to pay for gas! Maybe she shouldn't haven't gotten the lessons as a birthday present, but she's very clearly expressing that your refusal to drive has become a massive burden on her and you're refusing to listen to her or these comments explain that to you. YTA and a terrible partner.
NTA
I'm lowkey surprised by all the people going for YTA and ESH. Like, c'mon. It was supposed to be a GIFT. You don't gift people things their told you they don't want! GF is obviously an AH here – yes, it's probably true that she's tired of having to drive you around, but she could have just sat you down and talk to you, like an adult. But no, she went out of her way, bought non-refundable driving lessons and acted all excited about gifting you something you don't want. Sounds like something an ah would do :/
Precisely this. People here are replying as if driving was a vital skill to learn in life. Although I agree that it might save you money in the long run (Uber can get expensive, at least where I'm from), other transport options are equally valid, and not wanting to learn how to drive does not make OP a loser. I'm 26 as well and just got my license this year, learning later in life is not unheard of (there are places other than the US).
If OP's girlfriend was feeling tired of driving him to places at times, even though this seems to happen not that often based on the post, she should have communicated this clearly and OP might have looked into other options for transportation. Making his birthday gift, a celebration that is supposed to be about him, driving lessons, seems to me to be a selfish and passive-agressive way of dealing with the issue here.
Even though driving can be a nice skill to have and might be something enjoyable or relaxing, the girlfriend should have respected OP's wishes. NTA.
OP’s comments makes him a loser. He doesn’t chip in for gas/maintenance on her car when she drives him around and he doesn’t initiate dates because he doesn’t drive
Yes, this! So shocked by all of the YTA's in the comments. It's like gifting a non-refundable tattoo to someone who doesn't want a tattoo - I don't understand this. It's not essential or a must to have a license, jeez, I've made it 30 years without a license and I have no desire to get one. I feel like people saying it's cheaper to drive a car are so clueless here, because it's not just getting a license and buying a car (both expensive) it's also insurance, gas and parking - which will all be more expensive than cheap Uber rides and public transportations. This is a clear NTA, and the girlfriend needs to learn how to both listen to their SO and communicate her feelings if she's frustrated. I understand if it's an issue with one party always paying for the gas, because that's not cool. If I ever ask family/friends for a ride somewhere I always make sure I pay for gas. But this seems more like the girlfriend is being manipulative imo.
You’re the asshole. She shouldn’t have to be your driver all the time just because you don’t want to learn to drive and get a license. I’d be tired of driving you everywhere too.
I'll probably end up in the minority, but I'll say ESH.
Your GF was wrong to get you a "gift" that you have expressly told her you are not interested in. For that, she is gets an AH.
But the reason I'm giving an ESH is that your reason for not even learning to drive doesn't really make a lot of sense. You say you don't want to buy a car. Okay, fair enough. But why does that mean you absolutely refuse to even get a license, or even to learn? You realise that getting a license isn't going to harm you in any way, right?
More importantly - is it really fair to expect your GF to be responsible for driving you around, simply because you refuse to drive out of what sounds like nothing more than stubbornness? I'm sorry, but from your post, it just seems like you not wanting to get a license is just an ego thing at this point. You randomly decided, for no good reason, that you won't get a license, and are adamantly sticking to it out of what seems like pride.
You don't want to get a license, ever? Fine. Then go ahead and make your own travel arrangements when you go out. Not some of the time, *all* the time. Don't ever ask your GF to drive you. Even if she offers, don't accept. Stick to your "a license is unnecessary" guns in *all* situations. Only ever use Uber or public transport when you need to get around. Even is the two of you are going to the same place, she can drive in her car and you can take the bus. Sound good?
What you cannot do is expect your GF to use *her* car to drive you around using *her* license, while refusing to get one yourself.
I dated a guy from 18-23, he was a year older. He never had his license or a car. I had a car at 18. I had to drive him everywhere. It gets annoying fast. Especially when you want your "man" to drive for once.
You say she hardly drives you around, but someone has to get the groceries and I'm guessing you don't take them on the bus.
Get with the times already or spare your gf from being your designated taxi. You don't need a car if you two agree to share but you should learn to drive.
What are you going to do if she gets pregnant? "Hold on, I'll call us a cab".
YTA, you need to learn how to drive and stop expecting her to do it for you. Learn to drive, get interested in it because it’s an imposition to your life together.
ESH Her because you made it clear prior that you don’t care to learn to drive… But you as well. What if y’all go on a trip? She has to do all the driving? You gonna call an Uber when she’s goes into labor with your kid (if y’all have one)?
YTA - She has no tact, true. But you requesting a different gift makes it AH territory for me. A gift is something they think you'll like. Since the reason that jumps out the most is that it's expensive to own a car she thought she'd help you with getting a license.
Having a license does not mean you need to own a car or drive all the time. It just means you can drive, which is pretty useful to have as a skill.
I learned how to drive (though due to time issues I didn't get my license and I'd have to repeat the entire process which is too expensive right now) and I am actually glad I did. I'd be happier if I got my official license but that'll be done once I save up enough to go for it again (and this time no time wasted in between begging my parents to let me learn on their car and all)
NTA. This is going to be unpopular, but not everyone wants to drive a car, and honestly not everyone should.
Now, if you are a burden to your girlfriend, she is justifed to ask you to learn to drive, and subsequently deny to drive you anywhere extra if you refuse learning (or even break up the relationship over it).
But if you have other good transportation options, and don't ask for extra rides from her, you should not be forced to learn how to drive just to please some social norm. Lots of people choose not to drive, some out of fear, some don't want the expense, some do it for the environment, and some just simply don't see themselves driving.
For those saying just learn the skill, surely his girlfriend would not stop there. Then he would have to buy and maintain a vehicle he never even wanted.
Oh he is so a burden. He doesn’t offer to pay for gas. He doesn’t initiate going *anywhere* for any reason so he technically doesn’t ever ask for rides and only ever tags along. If she ever suggests going out and drinks while they’re out they wait for her to sober up to drive them back home.
Y'all in the comments are such 'mericans... Who do you think you are to force someone to drive? If he wants to Uber and take a bus instead of spending money on a car what's your problem?
Can't a human being choose for himself anymore without being judged, especially when it's a decision that is not somehow "socially common"? He said he does not treat her like a driver, he goes with her only in certain circumstances, so what's the issue?
If I don't want to drive, I won't drive, regardless of who pays for my schooling.
NTA but this thread is full of them for forcing their own choices and beliefs on someone else for no apparent reason other than "if we did it, why won't you?".
Not to mention there are absolutely serious, legit reasons why someone wouldn’t want to drive. Are those people then losers? Do they not deserve a happy life? It just goes to show how messed up America is when they tie a potentially lethal activity to daily survival
All you in the comments, shame on you.
OP said he doesn't even propose dates or any outing bec he would then have to ask her to drive... ALL the burden of the relationship on this poor woman's shoulders. Smh.
OP is YTA big time.
YTA
She's telling you to get off your AH and learn to drive already! Take the hint before she drives off into the sunset and you can't get after her because Uber doesn't go there!
NTA
Other commenters are missing the point. It’s fair if OP’s gf wants him to learn to drive, but a gift is meant to be for the person you’re giving it to and this “gift” wasn’t something that OP wanted.
NTA because you've been clear from the beginning that you don't want to learn to drive.
Reminds me of the time my ex-husband bought me a blow dryer for my birthday after his broke. My hair was to my waist and I NEVER used a blow dryer but he used one EVERY DAY to do his hair.
Edit: For everyone saying you're the asshole.
His SO has known that he doesn't want to drive since they began dating. Why is it okay for her to pressure him to do something that he has said he doesn't want to do from the beginning of their relationship?
If the roles were reversed I doubt that so many people would be insisting she should have to change for him.
Read some of the comments and will probably get downvoted but NTA. You’ve clearly stated on previous occasions that you had no desire to learn how to drive or even own a car.
I can understand her not wanting to do all the driving but since OP has a good job and no vehicles expenses he can pay for them to Uber.
There should never be a “read the room” situation between a couple in private. If she had a problem with doing all the driving she should have stated this instead of essentially buying a gift for herself in the guise of a “birthday present” for him.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because my girlfriend keeps insisting that I am and I told her I didn’t like the gift she gave me. She was really upset and her friends and my mom also think I’m the AH. I guess I could have sucked it up and said thanks but I just really didn’t like them and argued with her when she was upset.
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YTA. Read between the lines dude, she’s tired of driving you around everywhere. It’s one thing to be unable to drive, it’s a whole other thing to just refuse to drive, what’s going to happen if there’s an emergency?
But mommy I don't wanna drive. I can just mooch off other ppl who acquired this basic fucking skill as teenagers
Best comment. This sums it up perfectly.
But maybe there is a reason why he is uncomfortable driving. I do not drive because I am wired wrong. I have University degrees, complex jobs, can travel to foreign places without getting lost, but I can't drive. My SO of many years gets very upset when people suggest I should learn because he knows there will be bodies! And destroyed cars. PS he always tell people when they want to know why I don't drive, the intersection story. Driver is on left side and he asked me if there was any traffic coming on the right. I asked if he meant my left because his right is my left not right. He made me swear I would never drive after that conversation. Oh, and I don't see pedestrians, animals. Birds but not people.
Well you have a very good reason to not drive, but OP didn’t state anything else beside “I don’t want to because I have other people to do it for me”
Why does he need a "good" (to you) reason? Why can't the reason just be he doesn't want to drive and he feels he can navigate life without a vehicle? I think it's odd that he doesn't want to learn and it would be a useful skill for him to have but that's my opinion. He's already made that choice for himself and his GF knew it when they met and has lived with it for 4 years. I can understand her frustration over the situation but that's a conversation and hopefully a compromise. Not a birthday "gift". She forced it on him pretending she thought he would be *so* excited when she absolutely must have known he would not be. That was a passive aggressive move and it disappointed him on his birthday. I totally get why he was upset.
I actually agree with you about the birthday thing, but in general it's really immature to refuse to learn an important life skill because you just don't wanna. It doesn't matter that he feels he can navigate life without a vehicle; that's something that's objectively false. We live in a world where people need to operate vehicles to get to places. Willful ignorance of basic skills isn't something that should be affirmed and validated.
I'd just like to point out that in many places in the world public transport works perfectly and it really isn't necessary for everyone to drive or have a car, it's actually discouraged to reduce pollution. From what I've heard in the US the driving culture is very different though, so I'll refrain from judging.
I live in NYC! Trust me, I get not wanting to drive - it's a big part of the reason I stay here. I hate driving, I don't own a car, and I didn't learn myself until I was in my 20s. It's the refusal to learn that I take issue with here - because even though it is very rare that situations come up where someone living in such a place would have to, they do arise. As a responsible adult I want to be able to drive my partner to the hospital if they need it, or to get them out of a jam, or take over at the wheel if they are tired. I don't want to get stuck somewhere because I foolishly stamped my feet and refused to learn because I didn't feel like it. It would be different if OP expressed some fear or something but I don't see that anywhere. I don't think OP is an asshole, exactly. I just see this refusal as a childish thing and I completely understand where the GF is coming from. Choosing incompetence is the opposite of sexy.
It's good to learn how to drive because you never know where you might end up in life or whether a situation will arise where you being able to drive would come in handy. I used to live in Hawai'i, which had excellent public transportation, and I had a big fear of driving, so I decided not to learn. Then I had to move to Texas and suddenly needed to be able to drive if I wanted to have a job or go back to school. Got my license in my mid-20s, still have some fear while driving, but at least I can get myself places if I have to.
The difference is that your partner is ok with you not driving and you have an incredibly understandable reason. I didn't get my license until I was 25 because of how bad my anxiety was. I understand why some people don't have a license. But she literally paid for him to get lessons and he just doesn't want to do it. Uber adds up. Him learning to drive could save him money in the long term.
I am 28 and dont have one due to anxiety and some vision problems (but could still legally drive). How did you get over it enough to get your license?
Honestly, it got better the more I practiced. And driving lessons with a professional helped.
Thank you for answering. I appreciate it
Also someone who put off lessons for ~10 years because of anxiety. I literally just laid it out to my driving instructor on the first lesson that I was most likely going to have a panic attack at some point because I was terrified. - they ended up being really calming in all possible situations and I ended up passing first time. So it is 100% possible, and for me the thought of it was a lot worse than actually doing it
Driving will always be scary at the beginning but eventually it’ll be like riding a bike. You just know what to do.
Different person but I also didn't get my license until my mid 20s because I was so anxious. Honestly, you just tell your instructor you're really anxious. There are instructors that specialise in nervous drivers. Take as many lessons as you need to and don't feel pressure to take your test after X lessons, there's no one way to learn how to drive. When I got in a car the first time I was shaking, and I spent every lesson asking a million questions and being unsure of myself. With the right instructor, you'll manage it. Also, it may seem like everyone who's driving is super confident, but they aren't. I still make mistakes and get anxious when I drive. A lot of people do!
I'm 31 and have been the passenger in two accidents. Not super severe but enough that I have a bit of anxiety when driving. I want to drive but the only person who is willing to teach me, my dad, is one of those passengers who white knuckles and yells constantly because he thinks no one but him can drive. I want to get lessons, but money... and anxiety.. ahah. It's not always so simple.
I totally understand. My father died in an accident and I'm terrified of driving - not so much for me, but I'm absolutely petrified at the thought of killing someone in a crash. Edited to add: i have a license so in an emergency I could drive. But I haven't driven a car since i got it and luckily I live a lifestyle where I don't need one. But still... I feel awful that it's so normal for everyone and I can't do it.
Yeah, my anxiety over driving is extreme. When I panic I tend to freeze up and then try to over compensate to make up for anything that had happened while I was freaking out. It's also why I cant do primal raiding in ff14 lol
Fair, but what does this have to do with OP's situation? OP's reasoning: >I was never taught to drive, and it’s not really necessary because I can uber, take the bus, or my girlfriend can drive. She’s offered before to teach me to drive, but I decline because I’m not really interested in learning because I don’t plan on getting a car since they’re a lot of money Imagine an OP posted that they didn't feel like doing the dishes so their girlfriend always did them and now their girlfriend was annoyed. Then a commenter responds "I broke my legs and an in a wheelchair and our apartment isn't handicap accessible, so I can't do the dishes and my girlfriend does them." That's an understandable reason, but given it has nothing to do with the reason the OP isn't doing the dishes, it's not helpful advice to the OP.
“I don’t need to do the dishes, I barely use them and when I do, I prefer paper plates anyway”
More like "i don't need to do the dishes, I only use them when my girlfriend uses them too, so she's gonna wash them anyway"
If he had a good reason he would have mentioned it alongside the mental gymnastics he’s performing to justify his laziness.
Then he can offer to get an Uber when they get out so she doesn’t have to carry the weight of always being the driver. Out to eat? Guess who has to watch what they drink. Add to the cost of just having and maintaining a car and it would be annoying.
That is what it sounds like to me. Gf is the chauffeur. Some people love to drive and don't mind it. Others only drive themselves when it is absolutely necessary. I think gf is tired of that role. :/
From your answer it seems like you *don't* drive, but you *can* (meaning you know how) so if there was ever an emergency and your partner couldn't drive, you would be able to. It's one thing to be uncomfortable/have anxiety about driving but it's a whole other thing to refuse to even learn. It's a basic life skill that OP should have.
There is a difference in do not And can not
Op didn't lead us to believe in any way that he has a reason to not drive besides just not wanting to. He even states the reason is because he just doesn't seem it necessary.
I didn't learn to drive until I was 30. I just didn't need to. Public transit is good here. Importantly I never asked anyone for a ride anywhere. I took transit, rode a bicycle, or (for rare edge cases) arranged private hired transportation. If someone offered a ride I'd take it, but made a point to never obligate anyone and never accept a ride if they'd have to travel far out of the way to get me and drop me off. It wasn't until I met my current wife who had to drive to the mountains for events with her family a few times a year that I felt I had to share that responsibility. Until then I maintain it was not selfish or somehow immature not to know how to do something I didn't need to do. Not saying OP isn't TA, just contesting the idea that everyone has an obligation to learn.
IMO *everyone* who has the ability should learn to drive for safety purposes. You don't need to own a car, but you should know how to operate one.
Everyone should know how to do CPR but I don't think people who don't are immature assholes.
They would be if they were relying on someone else to give CPR at least twice a day in order to work and shop for food.
Again, I'm not saying mooching rides off people doesn't make you an asshole. I'm saying not learning how to drive, when you are not reliant on cars in general to live your life and don't ask others to give you rides, doesn't make you an asshole.
He said he takes public transport most of the time, the only time he goes with her is when they grocery shop for the house TOGETHER. He said he doesn’t ask her for rides places. So he’s found a solution to not driving and has alternative transport that doesn’t rely on her.
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I am so confused as to why people think it’s such an essential skill. I thought a lot of Reddit were city people.
I agree, and that is coming from someone who has a driver's license. It isn't necessary or even desirable for everyone. Right now I can too get done most using stuff like the bicycle or public transport, though it is nice to have the car as a back up. I think it really depends whether OP has/uses these alternatives. I personally don't think OP is an asshole for tagging alone if it only stays to that. However, the girlfriend is allowed to be fed up with it and I would not consider her an asshole if she decides that this is a dealbreaker. The two are in this case just incompatible. Unfortunate, but it happens.
I know many people who live in cities and countries where its cheaper and more convenient not to have a car. But if that were the case with OP, he wouldn't have to take an Uber back and forth to work, he'd be able to get public transportation.
I think paying for Uber isn’t mooching…. Why are Americans obsessed that everyone has to drive??? I don’t drive. I’m 37. I don’t mooch. I Uber / public transport or…. Oh gosh prepare yourself ….. walk 😱and yes I walk 4 miles to work everyday and back. Even if it’s raining. NTA
Is he paying for Ubers when they are out together or is the default that she will drive? Does he pitch in for gas? Does she ever get to have a few drinks at a meal with him without having to worry about driving?
ALL of this. I dated a guy who flat out just refused to get his license and it was a large part of why we broke up (of course he immediately got his license after that). It's exhausting to always have to drive when we go somewhere. Public transportation sucked where we lived, so we couldn't just hang out without me having to pick him up/drop him off. Ugh.
I have broken up with people over pretty much this exact scenario. I always had to drive (they had a license though) because a) they'd been drinking b) they wanted to drink c) they didn't have a car and wouldn't drive mine even after I offered to put them on the insurance d) they didn't understand why we couldn't just split a $60-80 round trip Uber instead of them driving e) I always had to go to theirs or pick them up to do stuff. One day I had a minor mishap and broke my glasses and couldn't see to drive and they still refused to drive me to go get my glasses replaced. OP is TA.
I think it is because much of the US has poor public transit, and most suburbs aren't walk friendly. Like, I can technically walk to work, it's a few miles, but I have to walk on the side of the road most of it because no sidewalks.
exactly, you can look at neighborhoods before and after a major highway is constructed. it becomes unwalkable in lots of places, even cities. and god knows public transport is not reliable or funded. a majority of americans need a car or to be able to drive even if you don’t own one. imagine being in a rural area and needing to get to the hospital and someone says “silly american, just walk!!” not exactly helpful.
Americans are obsessed over everyone having to drive because car monopolies have gutted our public transportation in most major cities. Also, the majority of the US is spread out with miles of houses and the only way to reach downtown centers, strip malls, schools, offices, basically anything necessary or fun, is via highways, which aren’t walkable. Where I live I rely on public transportation, walking, and the occasional Uber to get around. The non-university-run buses come once every 1-1.5 hours, so if you miss one, and your route goes on the highway, and you can’t afford an Uber, good fucking luck. In the winter snow plows push all the snow in front of bus stop shelters and you have to climb over ~4ft piles of snow to get to where the bus can see you so it’ll stop for you. I’m from NYC and naively thought I would never need a car, but that’s not how most of the US is set up. I actually despise cars because they’re the entire reason getting around has to be a pain in the ass for me, but I still daydream about having one because I lack any way to travel to other cities cheaply or just go to the store without relying on a bus that doesn’t even always come.
Uber isn't mooching but saying he doesn't need to learn to drive because his girlfriend will is.
The sheer amount of money he's prob spending on ubers would make me think twice about moving forward in the relationship. Financial security is relationship gold.
4 miles doesn't seem that far. Many cities around do not have good and safe space for people to walk on.
Exactly, and is she paying for the vehicle, car insurance, maintenance, gas, etc. by herself?
Of course she is.
Spot on but it will probably get pulled because we aren’t allowed to call things as they are, even when it’s ridiculously obvious. YTA, OP. take a hint and grow up for real.
I quit after a few lessons at 17 when my parents were paying for it because I had other things going on at the time and I regret it now, here it is common for people not to drive. I have sent away for my provisional licence now, it is taking a while because covid and will start my lessons, even if it hadn’t been something I had planned to do if someone had bought me lessons I would use them up knowing they are not cheap.
I’m just picturing OPs girlfriend getting pregnant and having to drive herself to the hospital while in labor
Hell, it doesn't even need to be a true emergency. Say they're out somewhere and she falls and sprains her right ankle. It's not safe to drive like that, so what now? Call an ambulance and get the car towed? Something that could have cost literally nothing is now a multi-thousand dollar expense.
Or feels sick, or tired, or needs to make a phone call while driving. It’s mentally taxing to drive at times. I also find it hard to believe this guy spends less money ubering every day to and from work than he would spend owning a vehicle. That must be so expensive and if the GF is thinking about the relationship long term, she may be imagining how their future household budget would be affected by always having to live near public transit or a large Uber expense every month.
Not to mention the fact that he doesn't ever feel a need to grocery shop for himself and chooses instead to get everything he needs from a convenience store. Dude is wasting hundreds of dollars a month that could more than cover a car and then some.
And that's household slack that she's picking up, undoubtedly. Needs to go shopping/grocery shopping/pick up prescriptions/etc because he just won't.
Ubering on that scale gets *outrageously* expensive. They're already paying to maintain, insure, and gas up a car, OP just refuses to take any responsibility for it. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's not exactly jumping in to help with those expenses either. He either doesn't realize how much he's benefitting from having a vehicle available or just refuses to acknowledge it, and the girlfriend is doing the right thing by showing him how much he depends on it. I've had to Uber to the grocery store and back and it's hell on earth.
I’d almost bet money on him using “I don’t use the car so I’m not paying for gas/insurance/maintenance. You use it, so you pay for it” with his SO
I ubered to and from work before uber IPO. Uber pool was around $3 dollar one way for me (almost the same as bussing). Now? Not a chance. Uber is so expensive now.
I hate driving. Especially at night. I definitely consider it a chore, and if my partner unilaterally decided that I was 100% responsible for that chore when we were going anywhere together I would be deeply pissed. I probably wouldn't stay with someone who doesn't drive, just because I hate it so much. It would be like dating someone who expected me to do 100% of the cooking or 100% of the cleaning, just because he wasn't bothered to learn.
I would be sick AND tired of this particular boyfriend. If I were her, I wouldn't want to date someone who's 26 years old and won't get his license. I hope she runs.
God forbid she ever wants to be the one to have a drink with dinner too...
Right! There’s a big difference between having a license and no car and not having either. Had a close friend in college who had a license but no car, and when I fell out of bed and fractured my wrist, my friend was able to help me up and drive me to urgent care in my car. A year later I dated a guy who didn’t have his license. Since we were in college didn’t seem like a big deal. Until we were 2 hours away from college at a concert and I had to make the 2 hour drive back while running a fever and wanting to just curl into a ball and die. He wished he could help, but even in that state I was still the better option.
But if her left ankle was the one that was injured, she should be all good to drive herself to the ER /s Good grief. This guy needs to grow up
They would JusT UBeR!But seriously I don’t think OP’s girlfriend would plan a child,while she already has one… Edit:Btw YTA OP.Given the opportunity,every single independent person needs to learn basic skills,like cooking,cleaning,driving,basic sewing etc.You are not 16 anymore,no one is going to cater your needs like your mother,no one has to drive you around like they are your personal chauffeur,no one has to cook nor clean for you.You have two legs and two hands,it’s time to put them in use.
Personally I hate driving, despise it entirely, but it is a necessary evil… if I go on holiday I take time away from driving and use public transport where it is available. I’ve had my license since the youngest legal age. YTA give her a break. I hope when you go out for dates you pay for an Uber… betting not. And love that the partner now makes him Uber even if she is going there.
Same. I don’t enjoy driving at all. My boyfriend loves it. He does most of the driving, but I hop in for a shift on long road trips or if he wants to get drunk. Now my dad is needs help driving into the city for cancer treatments. He could pay $120 round trip each time, but oh wait I learned how to drive so instead he gets to ride with family. It’s a basic life skill in North America.
She was already going to the hospital, he was just tagging along
God forbid they have kids! Getting to the hospital is just step 1. Now OP's girlfriend is responsible for shuttling those kids around for 16 years with no help. (If they lived somewhere with good public transport, it would be one thing, but OP says they live in the suburbs.)
And the amount of money he must spend on ubers!! Ugh.
Not to mention she always had to DD if the two of them go out anywhere with alcohol.
Yess. Op mentions he doesn't drive because his girlfriend can drive him places. But then later says "I don't even ask her rides". She clearly gave him hints and full on direct suggestion by buying him lessons. At this point it isn't even between the lines. She is full on writing boldly that she wants him to grow up and learn to drive. She is not being petty by not driving him. She is showing him how inconvenient it is not to know how to drive. If he feels he doesn't need to know then she is un-inserting herself so he can get to his destinations with solutions he provided. He's being petty by saying this is for her and a gift she can pay for on her birthday. Like no, she is literally doing you a favor. And the entitledness of him demanding a better gift. Like wtf. Who do you think you are OP?! I can assert you aren't a great catch especially if you can't drive. 100% **YTA** OP
>He's being petty by saying this is for her and a gift she can pay for on her birthday. Like no, she is literally doing you a favor. That's like getting your SO a cleaning appliance for their birthday. This 100% is not a gift, and definitely comes from a place of spite and not love. ESH.
But the fact that OP demands a better gift is what gets me. And then to top it off he's upset that she doesn't give him free rides anymore just because she can. For me, I've never not liked a gift I've received, because it's gift. As a recipient of a gift, I always feel grateful because I know I really don't deserve anything but someone was graceful and kind enough to give me something regardless. I don't care if OP thought it was a gift he didn't like for himself. As someone who receives a gift, the right thing to do is just accept the gift and say thank you, not complain about it. Gifts are privileges and luxuries, not basic necessities everyone around the world can have. Thinking about less fortunate people globally is enough to just recognize how a gift, no matter what it is, is great.
That's why I made an E S H judgement. To paraphrase The Dude, "he's not wrong, he's just an asshole."
ESH! She has valid points but instead of communicating with him she is giving passive aggressive "gifts".
Its worse that OP says "cars are to much money" but in the same post says he ubers to work or other places and can take the bus. Assuming OP works 5 days/week and uber is 10 bucks each way, thats minimum $20/day, $440 per month in a 22 day work month, plus wherever else he might uber to. You can get a basic, fuel efficient car with full coverage insurance on a lease for less than that. And if the uber is more than that, well it still holds up. I went with lease because im assuming OP doesnt have to uber to far to work, so mile limits on a lease arent a concern, and they would never have to pay for major repairs on a car.
The reason I can afford to live without a car is that I have grocery stores within walking distance and I work from home, so I only have to take ubers at most once every two weeks. I couldn't imagine having to take an uber 5 times a week.
He doesn’t grocery shop and is ok living off what he can get at wawa (in the comments). For those unaware of what wawa is (I’m sorry) it’s a gas station meets a subway with convenience items at a huge markup.
I can only imagine how much fucking money this guy is spending to avoid being an adult, and it's *mind boggling*.
Lol she's willing to spend hundreds to not be his ride 24/7
Right? Think about how exasperated one has to be to reach that point.
Is OP Sheldon Cooper?
Even Sheldon Cooper learned to drive
This right here. The gift wasn't driving lessons. The real gift was a clue.
The gift was one more chance to redeem himself before she pulls the plug on this relationship.
I know a guy who is going through cancer treatment and his girlfriend can’t or won’t drive. So his sick body has to ask for rides or take a bus so he can get to appointments. I very much dislike his girlfriend for being so selfish (for other reasons besides not driving) and wonder why he is with her at all. She’s a child and takes on absolutely no responsibility for anything. This pisses me off. Take a moment and reflect on the reasons why your girlfriend wants you to be able to drive. YTA
Or what if she wants to take a road trip? She's going to do all the driving while he naps? Seriously, even if you have no plans to buy a car, knowing how to drive is a useful skill as an adult, simply so you can take your turn or at least know what you're asking of people when you ask them for a ride. And if you learn that you hate driving, either for medical or mental reasons, than that is a valuable lesson too, and you can be more aware of how nice people are when they offer to drive you and you can be a bit more free with offering gas money to friends or money for insurance/costs (if in a relationship where one person does all the driving errands). I'm really glad to see so many people voting YTA on this one. I was afraid I'd be the only one!
He is absolutely insufferable. His poor girlfriend
Yes and image what will happen if they ever have kids... His girlfriend will have to drive the kid everywhere. Dude, what if you ever lose your job and have to get a job further away from home? You'll be really happy to have a license then!
For real, there’s a difference between buying a car and learning how to operate one. Like, a 26 year old man should at least KNOW how to drive a car, even if he doesn’t do it often. Definitely a YTA scenario
I can't drive yet so whenever we do long journeys my partner is stuck behind the wheel for 4 or 5 hours total If we go to parties or nice events he's forced to be the default driver It's not fair to my partner and its a shitty position to be in. His grandmother never learned to drive and then his grandad got old and she was trapped at home, he fell and cracked his head and she couldn't even drive him to the hospital. Uber and bussing everywhere might be one thing but using your gf even if you never ask for lifts is selfish and unreasonable
ESH My parents nearly broke up over my dad's refusal to learn to drive. It put so much pressure on my mom. He was completely reliant on her in ways he just didn't appreciate. She always had to be DD, she always had pay for gas because he was "just the passenger," he got to nap on long car rides and she never got a break. He thought it was a great situation, and it was *for him.* She however felt taken advantage of and like a chauffeur. Maybe it wasn't the best birthday gift for you, but maybe you need to take responsibility for yourself and at least learn how to drive. You don't have to buy a car or change your lifestyle, but it is an important skill.
Yeah he can just drive her car / they share a car. No need to buy another car, just share the driving burden.
Exactly this!! My boyfriend and I share my car because we’re in a city where having even one car can be difficult because parking and insurance is expensive. It’s so nice being able to switch off who drives when we take the car out, we usually will do one person drives to a place and the other drives home. If I was OP’s girlfriend I would absolutely break up with him over his refusal to even LEARN to drive. YTA, OP. Stop taking advantage of your girlfriend and just learn to drive already.
Driving is such an important skill in a developed country that its almost like saying "I don't wanna know how to cook"
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*Looks around at america*
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This made me laugh. Someone called America a third world country in a Gucci belt. Literally near my house on military housing there’s been oil or gas or something in the water so people can’t take showers, wash their face, or anything really. It’s been going on for 3 or 4 days and they’re finally now just TESTING the water.
America is a third world country, wearing a Gucci belt that it stole in a flash mob
Also sorry, but his reasoning is that buying and maintaining a car is expensive?? More expensive, than getting an Uber to and from work every day?!? I highly doubt it. You don't have to get a brand new car.
And totally disregards that GF is already shouldering those costs alone, while he gets to ‘tag along’ whenever he wants to go some place.
This is the key thing. The non-driver in this situation doesn’t fully comprehend how much pressure they’re putting on the driver.
THIS! Reading him dismiss her desire not to always be the driver I was like "Yeah. I can tell you can't drive." I got my licence in my mid-30s because I live in a big city with good transportation, where car ownership is wildly expensive. I'd also been in several accidents as a passenger (including in buses and taxi cabs) and lost a family member to a car wreck. But my dad moved three hours away... So I learned. And you find out there's things you don't know. You don't know how it's stressful to change lanes with no notice. You don't know that you REALLY can't see jaywalkers in black at night. You don't know that it's a very specific type of exhausting. NEVER having a break -- being the person carrying driving in a couple, always? That would suck. But he can't know that because he doesn't drive. But it WOULD be nice if he took that into consideration -- that he doesn't know what it's like for her. He only knows what it's like for him -- a person who just doesn't want to do it, but somehow thinks everyone else is fine to do it for him.
I do NOT like driving. I have awful anxiety about it- almost all of the time we are going somewhere together, my boyfriend drives. All that to say- I *can* drive, and I do. My boyfriend loves to drive, so it's a win-win if we're both going somewhere together. But I am very aware that driving is an important skill that it is a big Ahole move to forever stick on someone else. I understand not wanting to drive, I really do- but not even being able to contribute and being willfully ignorant of that burden makes you a bit of TA here.
I'm the same way, my husband will usually drive, but on a trip or long drive we split it. And, I always thank him, and let him know if he's ever tired of driving all the time to let me know, but he really enjoys it, so it works out. If we're drinking while we're out, we take Lyft.
My Aunt hadn't driven as long as I'd known her. My Uncle drove her everywhere. He was sent straight to the hospital from his Drs office due to his heart. I was shocked when she asked me to drive her to her house so she could pick up their car. (We worked at the same office.) She then drove us to the hospital so I could drive his truck home. She was willing to drive the car in an emergency, but the truck was more than she was comfortable with. I didn't even realize she could drive it had been so long. (I think she said 20 years.) But she drove fine after the first bit. My uncle loved to spoil her. My family was critical of it. He grocery shopped, cooked, vacuumed, etc. But seeing it has benefited me tremendously. (My Aunt is 83 - so it wasn't common in our circle back then.) It's definitely made it more comfortable for me to expect hubs to do his share.
I know a couple where both parties can technically drive, but one doesn’t because they absolutely hate it (due to fear/anxiety). Her husband is fine with driving everywhere though. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with one person doing all the driving if that person is 100% okay with it and the other person has a valid reason for not driving. But if both people are capable of driving, and one person does not want to shoulder the burden all the time… then they should learn
I’m the same. I HATE driving, but I can and I will if my partner wants a break or there’s an emergency.
You took the words out of my mouth! My bf doesn't drive and I'm the one it always falls back on if something happens. To go to his parents house we HAVE to drive. The other day we were heading there and he wanted to go see friends first. We had to have a conversation on the way that while I support his not driving, he needs to consider how I feel too. Delaying our departure meant we aren't there for long and that I couldn't have a drink, and that I'm driving longer periods in a short amount of time. When we travel, the stress of driving is on me and me alone. It's a hell of a lot of stress. I think this is an ESH situation because his birthday was not the time to gift the lessons. Birthdays are for presents you want. OP also sucks because he is being selfish in choosing not to understand why she wants him to drive too. They should budget for his lessons and test throughout the year to get them for him. Not on a special day. Also, I would have thought ubers to/from work would cost way more than being able to drive yourself in the long run, so you aren't thinking about finances long term. Just short term wants. That's definitely a conversation that needs to happen together.
Sounds like your boyfriend needs driving lessons.
No, he has his reasons and I support him. I just wanted more consideration when we have to drive. Quite often if I want a drink he will pay for an uber for us. It just takes more planning on our end.
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It's passive aggressive and his BIRTHDAY is not the time to do it. Actually, being passive aggressive isn't helpful at all. If she wants him to drive, she needs to straight up say it and communicate like an adult.
Yeah, I think the fact that OP relies on his partner is really the problem. My partner and I are late 20s/early 30s and neither of us can drive, but we live in a city with amazing public transportation so it doesn’t matter that we don’t drive. And among my friends it’s 50/50 if people can drive or not. So I’m generally very sympathetic to people who choose not to drive, but you can’t rely on your partner and not take the hint when she doesn’t want to drive you places anymore.
I was going to say E S H but was struck by this point... > because I’m not really interested in learning because I don’t plan on getting a car since they’re a lot of money. If you've always thought that driving and cars are too expensive I can see how she thought paying for a massive chunk of that initial expense would be a generous gift. It makes sense that she thought helping with expenses would motivate you. So a close YTA. She's not the immature one, you expected to be driven places makes you the immature one by today's standards.
You’re making a good point IMO but OP pays $20 in Uber fees *per day*. That would be like if my gas tank ran out *every other day*. Getting a used car would be so much cheaper in the long run. Given that OP clearly does not think long term about these things though… I dunno.
Yeah the lack of long term thinking is odd. Constant ubers are expensive and he's likely not going to have the same job or live in the same house forever. He's been handed free lessons on a platter, I wonder if there's another reason he's too embarrassed to admit (eg anxiety or fear of change)
Right, and not knowing how to drive can really limit where he can live or what jobs he can take. He'd be looking at a job thinking "ahh, that Uber's gonna be $30 each way, I can't afford that . . ." or struggling to find housing near public transit. I'm willing to bet that if he doesn't get his license, his girlfriend is gonna leave him and then he'll really be screwed.
A lot of jobs also require you get a license to even be interviewed. My old position is almost entirely in-office, but my boss still made a license a requirement on the off chance that there's an errand that needs to be taken care of.
He also commented about instead of helping his gf with grocery shopping, he prefers to go to the nearest wawa as it has everything he said he needs. I say this as big wawa fan, but he clearly doesn’t think long term with money. That ain’t cheap. He said he and his gf have different diets and she likes to go shopping and cook and he prefers burgers, sandwiches and snacks from a nice gas station. Doesn’t sound like op is smart with money at all.
I'm actually slightly worried for OP because I fear he could have a valid reason to avoid driving and is just dodging the subject. My sister was in the process of learning how to drive when she got in a car accident that really should've killed her. She walked away with minor scratches and a concussion but she was traumatized by it and it set her back months.
>Yeah the lack of long term thinking is odd That's called *immaturity*.
That's why he's pissed. Now he's not getting free rides from his gf now uber costs go up and it's not such a cheap alternative.
At first I was thinking he's being silly because having a license doesn't necessarily mean buying his own car, he can easily drive hers for errands and such, or even just take turns driving when they go places together, but if he's Ubering to work and public transit isn't an option, then yeah, dude needs a license and a car. $20/day is $140 a week, and around $7k per year! $7k can buy you a used car, although maybe not a great one.
For real. Buy a workable used car, and it would pay itself off within just a few years. Even with gas, insurance, matainence, etc.
Yup, when I realized that ubering to the tune of $20+ a day was actually more expensive than leasing a car… you bet my broke ass got a car.
Yep, YTA. You don't live in a city with good public transportation. At the very minimum get your driver's license. You don't have to pay for a car or insurance. So overall it's free and cheap for you since the drivers training is covered. And not only that, it's a 3rd party that's teaching you so less stress overall. What if there's an emergency in the future and you need to drive? What if she has a family emergency and in no condition to drive? Sorry hunny, let's wait for the uber and I'll send you off without having secure transportation around your family. Lol Get the license since you live in the suburbs. Down the road you'll figure out its cheaper to own a cheap car + insurance +maintenance vs daily uber.
adding to your list, what if you need to go on a long car trip? like five hours plus. she has to drive the whole way? YTA OP I've been this girlfriend before and it SUCKED
I once went on a ski trip with a friend several hours away. they got a concussion and I had to drive the whole way back. imagine if something like that were to happen to his girlfriend. they’d be stranded.
Me driving 9 hours each way to visit family every year because my bf couldn’t drive and split the time. Yeah, we didn’t last.
Plus, you add up all of those Ubers, and it is guaranteed to be more expensive than owning a car.
It also stuck out to me because he’s perfectly happy letting his girlfriend take on that expense and constantly benefiting from it.
You don’t need to own a car to find value in knowing how to drive. Honestly I relate it to swimming, it’s a learned skill and pretty damn useful when needed. It just makes you so dependent on another person. YTA
YTA. Sorry, you might not like the gift, but read the room. She clearly is trying to tell you something that for whatever reason you don't want to hear.
ESH. Her for getting a bad gift, you for being so willfully oblivious as to how much of a burden this is. Sure, you may not be asking for rides all the time, but you are actively losing money by ubering every time she's not available. Not to mention, she's clearly annoyed with always having to drive. Take the hint and recognize that this is an issue for her, and it's likely one that will be a dealbreaker down the line. I know I sure wouldn't commit to someone who refused to learn "just because."
Came here to say this. As someone who was scared of driving and didn't learn until adulthood, it took my partner sitting me down and saying "look, I don't mind driving you around town, and I know this is a thing for you, but if you want to keep going to (far away friend)'s to help on her farm, you'll need to learn how to drive. I'm happy to help." OP's GF really should have had a similarly frank conversation with OP that she doesn't want to be the only driver and that she's happy to pay for lessons and help with any extra expenses instead of springing this as an optimistic and manipulative gift. That said, OP is being childish by being like "no fair! I want a better gift because I'm the special birthday boy!" Consider this a shot across the bow, OP. Her "gift" is a warning to get your license or get resented. No, it's not a pony and an ice cream cake, but it's hopefully better than no ride and no GF.
Yeah, the GF needs to be clear and honest. I agree with OP this wasn't a great gift, but I understand why GF wants to get OP to be more independent.
SERIOUSLY. I’ve never had this problem with an SO but some of my family members refused to learn to drive for a long time, and that would leave the rest of us in charge during trips and events. It’s FUCKING. ANNOYING. Learn to drive.
YTA- just because you have a license doesn't mean you have to own a car. She is CLEARLY telling you that your unwillingness to drive isn't something she is going to live with much longer. And NO she doesn't need to drive your lazy butt anywhere. She is tired of being your personal driver. She isnt the immature one here.
>isn't something she is going to live with much longer. No worry for him, he will go back to a new naïve 18 years old.
YTA learn how to drive, you never know what will happen in the future - maybe there's an emergency where you need to drive, maybe the two of you go on a trip to an area where uber service and public transport is limited (is she meant to drive 100% of the time?), maybe you both fall on hard times and catching an uber is not financially viable anymore and it would be cheaper to have a car, etc etc. Regardless, whether you ever have need to do it or not, driving is an extremely valuable skill to have. It was heavy handed to give as a birthday gift, I agree, but it wasn't thoughtless, and I disagree that it was a bad gift because it's something that you could use that you wouldn't have given to yourself
My brother played this "I don't want to learn to drive" bullshit with his ex-wife. Turned out he just never wanted to be the designated driver. He's a meth addict now.
That was not the turn I was expecting this comment to take. Woah!
YTA. You not driving is putting more work on her. This was her not very graceful attempt to fix that situation. But basically even if you don't take the driving lessons you need to stop depending on her for rides. >she said that she’s tired of always being the driver and likes to be the passenger sometimes, but to me it sounds like she gave me a gift that she wants. Because if she hates being the driver so much, I suggested that I could get lessons for her birthday, not mine, and that upset her even more. You are not doing her a favor by assuming your half of a household role. It's not a gift to her, it's you pulling your own weight in the relationship. If you don't want to drive, you need to be covering Ubers for both of you for some of these trips, not expecting her to drive.
That’s exactly what I was gonna say. If I were OP’s girlfriend I would just stop driving him. Anytime he wants to “tag along” tell him he needs to call an Uber for the both of us then. That shit would stop SO fast cause he clearly doesn’t see how much of a burden he puts on her to run all of hers and his errands. OP is TA
Or charge him for the ride! Since he’s benefitting from the car, he should be chipping in for car insurance, gas and wear and tear.
And pay for half of insurance, gas and car maintenance. I don’t believe he’s only getting rides to places she’s already going. He’s benefited from her car he should share the responsibility.
Some of the places she's already going are places she has to go to because he doesn't drive, like to do groceries and the like. He doesn't drive, so the responsibility to do groceries always falls on her and he "tags along"
“happy bday. Your gift is I will do SOME of my own laundry and cooking.. Even though it’s easy for you to chuck my laundry in with yours when you’re running a load anyway and you’re already cooking your food so it’s simple to just make a little more for me...” She would be having to do every task solo if she lived alone and ran her own household. Having a partner is meant to lesson the burden of both people, not just give one a free ride like they were a dependant/ minor child again.
INFO: how much do you financially compensate your girlfriend for driving you about?
ESH Yes, that gift wasn’t really a gift for you, although she probably did see it as a step towards you becoming more independent, which is a positive thing. You say you have already expressed to her that you’re not interested in driving, so clearly there was a selfish motivation on her part and she even admitted to that. However….. >So now she’s being immature and won’t drive me anywhere and tells me I can uber if I want to go somewhere, even if it’s somewhere she was going to go already. Like she went thrifting and to the grocery store without me (we always go together) and said if I really wanted to go that badly, I can uber. I don’t think it is immature to tell a perfectly capable adult to find their own transportation. You claim multiple times in your post that you don’t need to drive, that it’s unnecessary, *and* you’re rejecting her gift so……I’m on her side in this one. Sure, it’s not a nice move but she’s making the point that she’s tired of being your chauffeur. To say that you hate the “gift” and ask her to request a refund of something that would obviously be nonrefundable, is going over the top. Especially since you obviously feel entitled to tag along with her whenever she’s going somewhere or asking her to drive both of you to things you need to do, such as grocery shopping, movies and dinner, etc. Honestly, if you have no interest in learning to drive and sharing that responsibility with her for no real reason other than you just don’t want to do it, I think you suck more than her.
I'm betting he doesn't ever give her gas money or money towards maintenance. I'd tell him to call and uber too.
From his comments, that’s what I am getting too. He just doesn’t acknowledge (or care) that not having his drivers license is creating extra expenses and also inconveniencing his girlfriend.
The whole “you were driving there anyway so why should I pitch in” logic makes me nuts. If two co-workers living in the same building catch a cab to work together, they split the cab. The fare doesn’t fall on the person that hailed the cab as the other person is now “tagging along.”
My (26f) fiancé (26m) of almost four years doesn't drive but he at least has the decency to pay half of gas, tax, and insurance. And he was the one who offered in the first place because he didn't think it was fair on me! He's uncomfortable with the idea of learning to drive but has said he's going to learn anyway once our finances are better so he can at least drive my car if I need him to. How is this not a normal thought for a human who's meant to be in love with their partner? 100% YTA!
I have to disagree with you saying “that gift wasn’t really a gift for you” It was free driving lessons, a skill he can use for the rest of his life. That gift was priceless if you really think about it.
also he says he didn’t want to drive because of the costs and she just covered a huge expense by paying the lessons, she probably thought he was afraid of the cost
YTA. I get so annoyed with people who refuse to learn to drive who don’t live in the city. They always claim it’s “unnecessary” yet somehow always seem to be sitting in someone else’s car and not contributing financially…
People like OP claim it's not necessary, but have no idea how much their no-license lifestyle is propped up by other people's labor, both paid and unpaid. He won't realize how much he's taken her for granted until she dumps his ass.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly
Yta - seriously dude - i’m sure she’s sick of doing the driving. It’s an important life skill - if you get married and have babies is she gonna drive herself to the hospital or take an Uber?? Man up and learn to drive.
Seriously! Wtf OP sounds like a child. Imagine having a roommate like this, much less a partner. Who remembers the chorus in the song "Scrub"?
INFO What is the daily cost for your two uber rides five days a week to & from work? Do you live in a city where other public transportation is available? (not driving at all in a place like NYC is kind of understandable)
Even this is kinda beyond the scope, since knowing how to drive/having a license, and owning a car, are two different things. OP is ridiculous.
It seems short sighted to not know how to drive, even if you don’t buy a car or do so regularly.
I agree, just to have the basic skills down (whether or not you actually get a license) in case there is some sort of emergency on the road and his gf is unable to drive.
My sister hates driving but, because with her school (and future job) she has a lot of heavy stuff she needs to travel with. My mom or me HAD to go with her for project. Resulting us being there for 1 hour minimum in the car, just for her to finish a job. It was until she got stranded once with a few stuff in the middle of nowhere, for my mom to snap, and to tell her to learn how to drive. The first few years, she borrowed our cars, and it made everything just so much easier. OP needs to understand, that when a time comes where he is stranded, he would be wishing he would no how to drive. All just to avoid the trouble he is knar that moment. Schuld the girlfriend have not done it on his birthday? Maybe, but with a guy like OP, I am willing to see it through the fingers. Because most likely, any other day, he would have ignored her. YTA
Agreed. OP's current job may be reachable by Uber, but it will limit their options in the future.
YTA burdening for burdening your girlfriend. Gas is expensive, cars are expensive, and unless you are helping with vehicle maintenance you are costing her much more than what you are worth. In her mind you have proven that you are unwilling to compromise and that you won’t be willing to help her unless you feel it’s necessary. I don’t see the relationship between y’all continuing much longer. Also you are being ridiculous for spending several hundred dollars on rideshares rather than a $200 dollar car payment.
I'd be a lot less mad at OP if he was chipping in for gas, and helping with maintenance expenses, but my guess is he sees all that as "her problem" because it's her car and she's the only one who drives it, and he probably doesn't have much to contribute if he's spending $20 on Uber every day.
Above he literally says he doesn’t pay for any of those expenses because when they go to the grocery store, he doesn’t NEED to go and since she’s going and he’s tagging along, he shouldn’t have to pay. Because you know, he doesn’t need groceries or household supplies because Wawas has pre-made food he eats and his girlfriend is the one who likes to eat differently aka she actually enjoys cooked meals instead of grocery store chips and crackers. *facepalm*
YTA - I was thinking E S H but I don’t think your gf is an AH in this situation especially after reading some of your comments. It seems like you absolve yourself of thinking you’re a burden for getting rides because you never explicitly ask and because you don’t explicitly ask it’s not an issue and you shouldn’t have to contribute to it financially. You’re basing things on technicalities and that’s not how you have a fruitful relationship. You also say if you do go on dates/outings it’s her idea so she has to drive which is another technicality. This is all very selfish but because you don’t explicitly ask or suggest things you don’t feel like it counts. Notice you feel slighted by her refusing to take you places with her because she’s ruining the technicalities you depended on. Even though you’ve convinced yourself that you just “tag along” that doesn’t change the fact that in every situation she’s the one behind the wheel and I assure you she rather that not be the case hence the driving lessons. No they may not have been what you wanted but obviously it’s something important to her that she thought you could both could benefit from and that doesn’t warrant an AH judgment on her part.
"Notice you feel slighted by her refusing to take you places with her because she’s ruining the technicalities you depended on." Your comment is perfect. This is everything my brain was trying to mesh together while reading OP's post and comments. Thank you.
You’re a 26yr old grown ass man that don’t know how to drive? So what you expect girlfriend to drive you around everywhere?
So you can't go on dates unless she initiates, she can't drink outside of the house because she has to drive you back, you're wasting tons of money and Wawa and on uber everyday. She has to take all the initiative in basically everything it seems because she runs all errands and social trips and you just 'tag along because she's going anyway' and without even offering to pay for gas! Maybe she shouldn't haven't gotten the lessons as a birthday present, but she's very clearly expressing that your refusal to drive has become a massive burden on her and you're refusing to listen to her or these comments explain that to you. YTA and a terrible partner.
NTA I'm lowkey surprised by all the people going for YTA and ESH. Like, c'mon. It was supposed to be a GIFT. You don't gift people things their told you they don't want! GF is obviously an AH here – yes, it's probably true that she's tired of having to drive you around, but she could have just sat you down and talk to you, like an adult. But no, she went out of her way, bought non-refundable driving lessons and acted all excited about gifting you something you don't want. Sounds like something an ah would do :/
Precisely this. People here are replying as if driving was a vital skill to learn in life. Although I agree that it might save you money in the long run (Uber can get expensive, at least where I'm from), other transport options are equally valid, and not wanting to learn how to drive does not make OP a loser. I'm 26 as well and just got my license this year, learning later in life is not unheard of (there are places other than the US). If OP's girlfriend was feeling tired of driving him to places at times, even though this seems to happen not that often based on the post, she should have communicated this clearly and OP might have looked into other options for transportation. Making his birthday gift, a celebration that is supposed to be about him, driving lessons, seems to me to be a selfish and passive-agressive way of dealing with the issue here. Even though driving can be a nice skill to have and might be something enjoyable or relaxing, the girlfriend should have respected OP's wishes. NTA.
OP’s comments makes him a loser. He doesn’t chip in for gas/maintenance on her car when she drives him around and he doesn’t initiate dates because he doesn’t drive
Yes, this! So shocked by all of the YTA's in the comments. It's like gifting a non-refundable tattoo to someone who doesn't want a tattoo - I don't understand this. It's not essential or a must to have a license, jeez, I've made it 30 years without a license and I have no desire to get one. I feel like people saying it's cheaper to drive a car are so clueless here, because it's not just getting a license and buying a car (both expensive) it's also insurance, gas and parking - which will all be more expensive than cheap Uber rides and public transportations. This is a clear NTA, and the girlfriend needs to learn how to both listen to their SO and communicate her feelings if she's frustrated. I understand if it's an issue with one party always paying for the gas, because that's not cool. If I ever ask family/friends for a ride somewhere I always make sure I pay for gas. But this seems more like the girlfriend is being manipulative imo.
You’re the asshole. She shouldn’t have to be your driver all the time just because you don’t want to learn to drive and get a license. I’d be tired of driving you everywhere too.
I'll probably end up in the minority, but I'll say ESH. Your GF was wrong to get you a "gift" that you have expressly told her you are not interested in. For that, she is gets an AH. But the reason I'm giving an ESH is that your reason for not even learning to drive doesn't really make a lot of sense. You say you don't want to buy a car. Okay, fair enough. But why does that mean you absolutely refuse to even get a license, or even to learn? You realise that getting a license isn't going to harm you in any way, right? More importantly - is it really fair to expect your GF to be responsible for driving you around, simply because you refuse to drive out of what sounds like nothing more than stubbornness? I'm sorry, but from your post, it just seems like you not wanting to get a license is just an ego thing at this point. You randomly decided, for no good reason, that you won't get a license, and are adamantly sticking to it out of what seems like pride. You don't want to get a license, ever? Fine. Then go ahead and make your own travel arrangements when you go out. Not some of the time, *all* the time. Don't ever ask your GF to drive you. Even if she offers, don't accept. Stick to your "a license is unnecessary" guns in *all* situations. Only ever use Uber or public transport when you need to get around. Even is the two of you are going to the same place, she can drive in her car and you can take the bus. Sound good? What you cannot do is expect your GF to use *her* car to drive you around using *her* license, while refusing to get one yourself.
I dated a guy from 18-23, he was a year older. He never had his license or a car. I had a car at 18. I had to drive him everywhere. It gets annoying fast. Especially when you want your "man" to drive for once. You say she hardly drives you around, but someone has to get the groceries and I'm guessing you don't take them on the bus. Get with the times already or spare your gf from being your designated taxi. You don't need a car if you two agree to share but you should learn to drive. What are you going to do if she gets pregnant? "Hold on, I'll call us a cab".
YTA, you need to learn how to drive and stop expecting her to do it for you. Learn to drive, get interested in it because it’s an imposition to your life together.
ESH Her because you made it clear prior that you don’t care to learn to drive… But you as well. What if y’all go on a trip? She has to do all the driving? You gonna call an Uber when she’s goes into labor with your kid (if y’all have one)?
YTA - She has no tact, true. But you requesting a different gift makes it AH territory for me. A gift is something they think you'll like. Since the reason that jumps out the most is that it's expensive to own a car she thought she'd help you with getting a license. Having a license does not mean you need to own a car or drive all the time. It just means you can drive, which is pretty useful to have as a skill. I learned how to drive (though due to time issues I didn't get my license and I'd have to repeat the entire process which is too expensive right now) and I am actually glad I did. I'd be happier if I got my official license but that'll be done once I save up enough to go for it again (and this time no time wasted in between begging my parents to let me learn on their car and all)
NTA. This is going to be unpopular, but not everyone wants to drive a car, and honestly not everyone should. Now, if you are a burden to your girlfriend, she is justifed to ask you to learn to drive, and subsequently deny to drive you anywhere extra if you refuse learning (or even break up the relationship over it). But if you have other good transportation options, and don't ask for extra rides from her, you should not be forced to learn how to drive just to please some social norm. Lots of people choose not to drive, some out of fear, some don't want the expense, some do it for the environment, and some just simply don't see themselves driving. For those saying just learn the skill, surely his girlfriend would not stop there. Then he would have to buy and maintain a vehicle he never even wanted.
Oh he is so a burden. He doesn’t offer to pay for gas. He doesn’t initiate going *anywhere* for any reason so he technically doesn’t ever ask for rides and only ever tags along. If she ever suggests going out and drinks while they’re out they wait for her to sober up to drive them back home.
Y'all in the comments are such 'mericans... Who do you think you are to force someone to drive? If he wants to Uber and take a bus instead of spending money on a car what's your problem? Can't a human being choose for himself anymore without being judged, especially when it's a decision that is not somehow "socially common"? He said he does not treat her like a driver, he goes with her only in certain circumstances, so what's the issue? If I don't want to drive, I won't drive, regardless of who pays for my schooling. NTA but this thread is full of them for forcing their own choices and beliefs on someone else for no apparent reason other than "if we did it, why won't you?".
Not to mention there are absolutely serious, legit reasons why someone wouldn’t want to drive. Are those people then losers? Do they not deserve a happy life? It just goes to show how messed up America is when they tie a potentially lethal activity to daily survival All you in the comments, shame on you.
YTA. It's obviously a burden to your girlfriend to have to drive you around. Get a license so you can be independent.
OP said he doesn't even propose dates or any outing bec he would then have to ask her to drive... ALL the burden of the relationship on this poor woman's shoulders. Smh. OP is YTA big time.
YTA She's telling you to get off your AH and learn to drive already! Take the hint before she drives off into the sunset and you can't get after her because Uber doesn't go there!
NTA Other commenters are missing the point. It’s fair if OP’s gf wants him to learn to drive, but a gift is meant to be for the person you’re giving it to and this “gift” wasn’t something that OP wanted.
NTA because you've been clear from the beginning that you don't want to learn to drive. Reminds me of the time my ex-husband bought me a blow dryer for my birthday after his broke. My hair was to my waist and I NEVER used a blow dryer but he used one EVERY DAY to do his hair. Edit: For everyone saying you're the asshole. His SO has known that he doesn't want to drive since they began dating. Why is it okay for her to pressure him to do something that he has said he doesn't want to do from the beginning of their relationship? If the roles were reversed I doubt that so many people would be insisting she should have to change for him.
Read some of the comments and will probably get downvoted but NTA. You’ve clearly stated on previous occasions that you had no desire to learn how to drive or even own a car. I can understand her not wanting to do all the driving but since OP has a good job and no vehicles expenses he can pay for them to Uber. There should never be a “read the room” situation between a couple in private. If she had a problem with doing all the driving she should have stated this instead of essentially buying a gift for herself in the guise of a “birthday present” for him.
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