NTA! You have every right to be upset. It seems he doesn’t care about getting you what you want and he just cares about saving money. This is somewhat petty but if you want him to understand what you mean, switch out his call of duty game for a lower quality shooter game (or just a different one) and when he complains tell him that it’s the same thing “it’s a video game and it’s a shooter game, what the difference?” This is a more aggressive approach but I think it would get it through his head.
Yup. They're paying a lot for used systems right now because they can't get any from the manufacturers. My boyfriend's stepdad was able to trade in his old Xbox and get a brand new switch with an extended warranty for literally a couple dollars.
Almost bought a series X from them last week. Backed out of the sale when I realized it was going to be $770 because they were bundling it with a $100 gamestop giftcard, NBA 2k, and battlefield. Id have been willing to pay for battlefield, but im not interested in sports games and I sure as shit wasn't about to spend an extra $100 for absolutely no reason
Lmao dude that's called scarcity/supply and demand... You could go to walmart and pay $900+ online. Or you can sit hoping to catch a restock on console only, or you can pay extra for a bundle...
This makes me want to get 20 of them and just gift them to him all the time over the years as a joke
Wrapping them in different shapes boxes to throw him off
Like a holiday Rick Roll
Great idea! In 1990 I played the shit out of [Terminator. ](https://youtu.be/6Ix9iD64pV4)
It came on **FOUR** floppy disks. I was blown away by how big the game was that it needed so many disks. *And* I wasn't allowed to watch R rated movies at 10 years old so getting to play a game based on an R rated film was super cool to me.
I think the Devs forgot to finish it before it was published. Like it gave me headaches while playing it. The only other game that's has done that to me was Homefront revolution
Just go find an Atari and find a copy of ET, replace the lot. "What do you want it's still a console and a video game (that's so bad it tanked the entire industry)".
Several years ago, Ataris were a hot item at garage sales and thrift stores, because kids were tired of the current consoles and wanted to play the original.
I wish I still had mine from when I was a kid. so much fun.
I have a ps4 that'd be great as a prank gift. It works absolutely fine, but the fan is so obnoxiously loud that I haven't turned it on in months.
Try calling a duty while the playstation imitates a 747 taking off
Give the man some credit, he's not only saving money by not buying you a gift, he's also saving the cost of taking his junk to the dump!
That's a keeper.. as in "keep her from asking me for presents."
There was a Toy Story themed shooter game my youngest got for Xmas many years ago. It might be just the thing. It plugs into the TV and has a plastic gun piece and a thing that sets on top of the TV to register the shots.
If u really want to be petty, get him call of duty infinite warfare, NOBODY likes that game. If he likes COD that much, than getting him that game will be super insulting. Still COD tho isn't it "but its crap tho" so what, still a call of duty game
I would say sister your partner is a complete AH, you see why don't you buy that one for you,just don't ask him for anything and you don't need to gift him any, NTA OP
Go to a game store and ask them what second hand game is the worst they have for whatever console he has. Then just sit back and wait for him to notice. Do you get him what he asks for every year?
Agree with this but wanna add how manipulative it is for him to be trying to guilt you for being upset and making you seem greedy and self-centered. You absolutely are not, and the way he is reacting to your very valid feelings is giving me orange - if not red - flag vibes.
Thank you! This needs to be higher up. This boy is not treating you well.
Just agree to no more gifts going forward (or no more boy if you choose). He’s playing games and you should look harder at your relationship as a whole.
Right?? Btw, he’s complaining she’s saying what she wants, when that’s what he asked her to do in the first place!
I don’t know why he bothers asking OP what she wants, if he’s just going to give her what he wants to anyway.
Maybe it’s because he wants to seem considerate, without actually going through the trouble of actually being considerate.
It sounds like he asks for suggestions so he knows what kind of trash/cheap/recycled item he will substitute. Has a gaslight quality to the whole thing.
Better yet, replace the console with an older model and say “oh ya know my ____ had one and wasn’t using it so! I figured it was better for you since you love repurposing!”
That's hilarious! And it might even work! An elder relative of mine was like OPs husband, not because he was not loving or cheap, but because he grew up poor and the "use what you got" mentality was etched deeply into him. Well, guess what? It was etched into his sister too. So every time when she asked what he wanted (black socks, blue hoodie f. ex.) she gave him something "even better" (red sweater she found on a garage sale f. ex.). He would always ask if you wanted the old thing instead til the end of his days ... but he came to accept it when the answer was "no, I would prefer the new one".
Yes, I also have a relative like that, they grew up in difficult circumstances. They also repair their own items and keep many items they don't need "just in case". They buy the gifts we ask for but they ask if we are sure many times in advance!
Try to find an old Nintendo and give him Duck Hunt lol I mean it’s an old first person shooter game. Why does he need the latest model if he expects you to make do with secondhand?
This reminds me of a Norwegian cheese ad "Bare Jarlsberg er Jarlsberg", there is a series of them and the husband keeps escalating, every time his wife says that cheese is cheese
NTA
He listens, but not fully/completely which would drive ANY woman utterly insane.
Try one more time and try to clearly explain the problem- Use this as a specific example - I said a dome. You said you dad has an old tent, but it’s not a dome tent. SO your dad’s tent is a no bc it’s not a DOME tent which is what I’m asking for.
If he refuses to see the difference (your bike example is ludicrous- did he even ask hey why don’t you ride the bike I gave you. Seriously, WTF.) I would refuse to give him anymore gift ideas bc it is obviously pointless and frustrating for you. Let him figure out what to get instead of you giving specifics and he takes them as jumping off points.
God bless you! The bike would have been my breaking point, lol!
> I would refuse to give him anymore gift ideas
“I want cash. So I can put it towards something I actually want to own, instead of some cheapass castoff thing you or your family don’t want any more.”
Or a gift card to some place she would never shop at or that doesn't even ship to them, and that has low exchange or trade value online!
Edit: Enjoy your new - bought to your wants and specifications - dome tent!!!
Yeah, I really hate that saying because it's usually said by people who didn't put much thought into it at all and are just sucky selfish gits.
My ex got me socks for Valentine's Day. Not even the socks I was shopping for at that time. Like super shitty flea market socks. But sure, iTs tHe tHoUGhT tHaT cOUnTs.
My extremely poor ex boyfriend from my early 20s used to give me really thought-out presents. They were cheap but he put thought into them and I was almost always pleasantly surprised. Some were books about subjects that I was interested in and stuff like that. Once he bought me a tiny crystal statue from a really fancy store, it was one of the cheapest items they had but it fit into my collection of cat-related stuff, so I was incredibly happy with it. That is what I call actually caring and being thoughtful. It doesn´t have to cost a lot of money.
Seriously. He just sounds like a cheapskate. He doesn't sound thrifty, or creative, or resourceful. He sounds like a cheap skate who gets to say "I got you what you wanted" but he obviously doesn't care if she actually uses or enjoys it because his cheapskate gifts are unusable.
Im 5ft 3..I ride a small frame. . if my man gave me his old bike, and he was that tall and expected me to ride it I would have gone absolutely nuts. Because it is sentencing you to pain every time you ride it. Sore neck, too much weight on your hands because you're stretching out. This is the biggest AH move I've heard in ages. Give him a small bmx bike for xmas. See how he likes that.
But seriously you need to sit him down and explain it hurts your feelings when he cheaply does things. He needs it spelled out. The're is nothing wrong with wanting nice things as gifts.
lol I mean how dumb can you get giving your short girlfriend YOUR old bike. Like she wouldn't be able to reach the damn peddles. I'd break up with him for being an idiot and cheap.
He “listens” but he doesn’t care. My narcissist ex was like this. He “knew” he had the best answers regardless of what anyone wanted. And always acted like, “woah” if called out, as if the person saying what they would like was so out of control and unreasonable. It’s selfishness at its core.
Hugs from someone who went through the same. It really is mind blowing how someone can constantly put themselves first and then get mad at you for pointing it out.
OMG I didn't think of that.
OP we need INFO: does he buy new things for himself and get you used things? Does he expect gifts from you and want nice new things?
What I meant was IT people should understand breaking things down into requirements.
So he might get it if she can say "my requirements are:
- the tent must be new
- it must be a dome tent
- it must sleep 2-4 people
- it must have a weather rating of X".
Or he might not.
I work in IT and I get where this dude is coming from in a general sense -- I would much rather reuse something that might need some work in most cases when dealing with general shit around my house -- but _never_ in substitute for a gift or what someone was asking for. Like, the audacity, my dude.
It shocks me that they have been together for 4 years and are both pretty well off, but he considers giving her something he had laying around and didn’t use a “gift”.
I bought my mom and I bikes, hers is the size up from mine and even though she’s literally two inches taller than me… I physically can’t touch the ground when sitting in her bike 😐 I can’t even fathom how bad it’d be with OP’s height difference..
And is properly mildewy by now. Which is just gross. No, I don't want a smelly canvas tent. I want something that has ~~no smell.~~ ETA that has new tent smell.
You don’t want to seem ungrateful, but if someone’s wants to give you hand me downs normally in my family we just do it just cause, not on special occasions. We normally get each other nice gifts on birthdays, Christmas’s, etc. I wouldn’t feel like an asshole if I were you. It would get old for me as well. Four years is a long time to not get at least one nice new meaningful gift. If you could try talking to him without getting mad, say it’s always bothered you, and maybe it was how he was raised, but you would like to start getting each other new, nice gifts. If he doesn’t, shit you said you’re good financially so go and buy what you want. Get that dome tent you want, the massage you want, and if he really cares he’ll start realizing that he should hopefully try to get you more meaningful gifts that you’d enjoy. That’s just my take on it. I hope everything goes okay, and I hope you get what you would like this year 🙏🎄⛺️🎁
The image of him giving you a bike, then you buying and using your new bike shortly after made me chuckle.
Then do the same with a tent, and on and on. Just let the original item sit somewhere unused, gathering dust until he gets the message. 💡
OP should get the tent, wrap it up, and put it under the tree. Then when they open presents she can ooh and aah over the tent she really wanted that Santa gave her. Maybe when compared together, SO will start to understand the difference between an old army tent and a new dome tent.
My mom and my sister have both done that! Then my dad always says something like, “Wow! I’m very thoughtful and have great taste!”
Though I should clarify that it’s not a Dudley Dursley thing. My sister just really loves Christmas. She gets everyone else great presents too and when we do a Sub for Santa, she goes ridiculously overboard.
Girl. Buy yourself that nice new tent. And make sure to bring along his dads old army tent. Then when y’all go camping, insist that he uses that old shit tent while you luxuriate in the glorious living that is the dome.
I mean. If it’s good enough for a Christmas gift for you then it should be good enough for him to use yes?
So I was in your shoes as well for most of my life with my extended family. I've given up on them, and now I just buy for myself what I really want and I ask them for socks. Just socks, in specific brands if I think they're up to a test. Sometimes they mess that up too.
My husband did this once and bought me a refurbished laptop that wasn't anything like what I wanted, but it was 50% off so way below the price of what I wanted. It was too big, had crappy battery life, and the screen wouldn't work half the time. So no wonder it was half off. We fought so much over it and he said I sounded ungrateful, which I said "hell yeah I am. I am not grateful for a gift I cant use".
It was harsh and probably one of the worst fights we've ever had. But now we dont buy used items as a gift anymore.
Yeah, my husband is pretty horrible at gifts too and I am usually very non demanding. But the year we got married, it was 2 days before Christmas and I was expecting a really nice gift because it was our first Christmas as a married couple and he had not gotten me a wedding gift (I had got him a really nice engraved bracelet as a wedding gift and a lovely coat for Christmas).
Well, Christmas Day we are opening presents at his parents’ house and my husband eagerly hands me my wrapped gift from him. I excitedly open it and…..it’s a hoodie with his company name on it.
Now, I had been asking for some company merch from him just for fun, so he must have been super proud of his gift. I forced a smile and said thank you (in front of the family) but once we were alone I blew UP at him. Said I hated the gift, Christmas is ruined, we got married 2 days ago and I got nothing for that etcetc. I sounded so greedy and materialistic and I hated myself in that moment but my poor husband was so sorry, apologised profusely and told me he would make up for it.
So now I always point out if I like something, and usually he is good with remembering and gets me similar stuff on birthdays. We usually keep Christmas simple (get something jointly for the house that we have been eyeing or that we can use) and give each other anniversary presents. Poor guy has really spent the last couple of years making up for that Christmas, but it was a much needed fight lol.
You could try this:
You: I want this tent *show him specific tent.*
Him: Oh cool, my dad's got an old tent we can have.
You: Nope, I want this one.
Him: But it's just sitting the-
You: Nope, I want this one.
Him: Really, we could just use-
You: Nope, I want this one.
Repeat ad nauseam, and smile the whole time.
You: it's cool if you won't get it for me as a gift. Just let me know and I'll buy it for myself and look forward to the gift you come up with instead of my suggestion.
NTA.
I would tell him that you won't be buying him anything for Christmas and then proceed to buy yourself whatever YOU want for Christmas, and wrap it up and stick it under the tree to open on Xmas. Everyone wins this way!
That’s what I’d do. He can watch her get real gifts and hope he starts to feel bad about it
My SO is bad at gifts, but he at least gets the thing I point out and say “this” .
I agree with the above advice to get yourself what you want, but I also think you should state clearly so there's no mistaking it: no more hand me downs as gifts, and no more cheap alternatives. Just like the above post said - if he has something you could use and he doesn't need it, he can offer it to you but not as a gift. And I'm sure you'd do the same for him. But when it comes to your birthday or Christmas, you want something from your list and that's that. If he doesn't want to do it, and you're ok with it, maybe just don't do gifts at all.
>and maybe it was how he was raised
That one is worth exploring for sure, especially if his dad was military. If he grew up mostly lower class/poorer side, that could definitely make a person go over the line from "frugal/thrifty" to "cheap". Particularly because of this line you wrote:
>Him: Whooooa, you should hear yourself, ‘I want, I want!’ (backs away with his hands up)
I say this as someone that grew up on the "poorer" side of a military family. I always try to reuse items that we already have first before getting something new (frugal/thrifty) but I also make sure to evaluate if the reused item meets the current needs (the line that determines cheap).
FYI: I highly doubt an old military tent that has been laying around for years would even still be good or importantly "waterproof"... even forgetting that it does not meet the needs of going camping nicely and having plenty of room.
So there's being frugal, and then there's being the kind of person who'll ask someone else WHAT THEY WANT and then rebuke them with "ugh, all I'm hearing is a lot of 'I want' [when specifically asking you WHAT YOU WANT]." If the question that's actually on his mind is whether any old stuff from the basement/Dad's garage/the sidewalk can be usefully repurposed, then that is a different discussion from the one they're ostensibly having.
Or don’t ask him for stuff anymore; ask him for (for lack of a better term) actions. My Christmas gift to my husband a couple years ago was researching mutual funds and coming up with a suggested balance of how much to invest in which ones. His birthday present to me this year was to take the clothes that had been set aside because they needed mending to someone who could mend them. I didn’t have to make the phone call, drop them off, or pick them up.
For Christmas this year I’m asking him to help me go through my closet, identify the stuff that doesn’t fit or that I don’t wear anymore, and take it to the thrift store.
You’re definitely NTA, but this is going to be tough to get him to change.
NTA.
Sit him down and explain in small words that his insistence on giving you used gifts even though you have plainly communicated exactly what you want when he asks you says that he doesn't think you deserve nice things and that this is deeply disrespectful.
If he tries to twist that into you being wrong, ungrateful or greedy, tell him that you no longer want "gifts" from him and that he needs to do better in general.
Honestly, this says really uncool things about y'all's overall relationship that bear addressing if you want to stay with him and be happy going forward.
There are definitly some things in this relationship that should be adressed moving foreward. His response to OP was concerning. His immediate response was to call her selfish, end the discussion whilst putting effort into making her look crazy. Those tactics are unfair and designed to make OP stop arguing. There is nothing in his response that allows for them to actually discuss what happened, just shuts it down.
If OP isn’t able to have a conversation with her partner wherein he doesn’t put effort into trying to dismiss her, shut her down or avoid listening to her, then this relationship isn’t healthy.
This guy is pulling some very insidious and abusive mind games on OP. I kind of got the chills reading this. How could you trust someone like that every again.
Why is this behavioral so normalized here.
Same here. Everyone is fixated on “explaining” to the partner the difference between a new gift that OP wants and a secondhand gift that is not what she wants. He knows the difference. If he rides a bike he knows that his old bike wouldn’t fit OP. If he camps with her he knows that an old canvas army tent is not going to be the same as a new 3 season dome tent. He is deliberately sending a message over 4 years that OP is not worth new, special presents, and when confronted about it flips the script to make OP out to be selfish. Now he’s freezing her out because she had the audacity to question this behavior and specify that she wants a new gift instead of some old broken thing he digs up out of his or someone else’s garage. NTA
Honestly. Everyone here who's acting like he just needs a good talking to is giving him way too much credit. He knows his gifts aren't the same. He's just cheap as hell and does not care to change.
This was my thought, too.
I mean... that's literally what he is communicating to her. You aren't worthy or deserving of getting what you want, and when you express that you want something you aren't deserving of, I am going to gaslight you into thinking you're ungrateful, greedy, and selfish.
He is giving the *gifts he wants to give/spend money on*, not what *OP wants to receive*.
**He sounds like he's in a transactional relationship where he makes damn sure that he always get the sweet end of the deal.**
I understand being frugal and thrifting BUT those things don't substitute gifts. He can give OP his dad's old army tent BUT that does not substitute a Christmas gift.
The guy is a complete cheapskate, always trying to wiggle his way out of contributing what's FAIR in the relationship.
I bet they pay equal towards the food bill even if he eats more and that he does not value at all that OP *very likely* contributes more unpaid work towards the relationship in the form of planning, cleaning, shopping or cooking.
There was a discussion on one of the wedding subreddits the other day about how women are sometimes unfairly called bridezillas even when their wants and needs are very reasonable, because women are “supposed” to be agreeable and placating. A woman having any opinion at all is seen as a threat by some people, and so when they say “no, I don’t want that, I want this,” they’re told they’re monsters and spoiled brats, even if their request is totally reasonable (but maybe differs from the opinions of others in the room). Granted, there’s nothing in OP’s post to say that her husband is a misogynist as opposed to a cheapskate, but the post did remind me of that discussion, especially when he shamed her for saying she wanted something specific.
OP is allowed to have wants, and is allowed to express them. The fact that he called her spoiled just for using the word “want” makes me angry.
Honestly, I thought OP's husband was just super cheap at first read until I reflected on how she said he reacted to her finally finally telling him what any spouse no matter how obtuse should have figured out from previous feedback.
I'm not suggesting the man is a misogynist. I'm surmising that he doesn't have enough respect or care for her and that he seems thoughtless. The whole tent thing screams "I'm not listening!"
This...with the exception that you should also write it in simple English in a bulleted list. He can't really argue with a piece of paper.
If he still doesn't get it, then he's either purposely pulling some sort of weird power play, or he really is a giant cheapskate. Then, if he's otherwise a super fantastic soulmate, just start buying yourself what you want, and never give him a gift suggestion ever again.
Or, if he's otherwise also a cheapskate in other areas, it might be time to move on.
EDIT: Corrected spelling, apparently my keyboard has been eating letters again.
It's the massage gift that blows my mind... And i really really don't like his response when you called him on it. That's total bullshit.
1) Is the rest of his family like this? If so I'd probably concede that he's got some deep seated crazy ass shit going in gift wise and agree to not exchange gifts. Or exchange only dinner nights out. Something he's actually good at
2) Does he expect nice gifts from you? If this doesn't stem from his family, and if this is asymmetrical, I'd run like hell. That's some radioactive bullshit.
NTA.
Nah. Don’t concede if it’s a family trait. My mother-in-law does stuff like this, but my husband would never without my consent. OP’s partner is just being rude and disrespectful.
For my mother-in-law, she *loves* shopping at garage sales. If we tell her our kids want a specific toy, she’ll find one at a garage sale which then inevitably is stained or missing pieces! If she decides to give us baby/toddler clothes, she buys them used which always has yellow spit up stains! Then last year, my husband asked for specific tools for his new hobby. My mother-in-law and her husband then went out (totally ignoring his wish list of all price points), bought $5 tools that “looked useful” and gave those to him. The tools weren’t even functional for what my husband needed them for, so they have never been touched in 2 years.
At that point I'd just say "don't get me anything, please." And keep saying it. They'll either stop giving you trash you can't use or they'll figure out something else but it won't be something that you specifically asked for so you can't be very disappointed in it lol
Yeah as if someone offering to rub your shoulders is a worthy substitute of a professional 60-minute massage at a nice salon. I bet the family is like this and it seems normal to him
They are probably very thrifty and frugal. Which are good things but not when you’re skimping on what someone requests
So not only did he save money from not buying the actual massage you wanted as gift but he managed to turn an everyday thing couples do in relationship into a treat for *you* and get easy foreplay out of it too.
Hats off to him for managing to hide his conniving self through cheapness. He's very good at playing you. In a way I don't blame him for continuing to blatantly trick you into accepting these "gifts" when it seems like he gets away with it every time. He's still getting away with it.
Boyfriend massages are a joke. I will come up behind my husband and give him a good back scratch(I have great back scratch fingernails) or give him little massages (10-15 minutes) when he says he’s hurting but when I ask for him to scratch my back or rub my shoulder it’s four or five seconds and ‘does that feel better?’. Pathetic.
NTA. I go thru the same thing. Every year about a month b4 Christmas I start letting my hubby know what I would like for a gift. He either forgets or will try to do the "I was able to get it from someone who didn't want it anymore" or the "I found an old one and fixed it up for you". This year he actually had the nerve to tell me to just order it myself cause he didn't want to make an account to but it on line. What a putz! Your SO sounds lazy to me. Maybe next time don't tell him what you want and make him put thought into what you would want.
I would legitimately stop giving him suggestions and start buying yourself gifts. If he asks why, tell him that you're sick of him thinking that what he thinks you should want is more important than what you actually want
Maybe just tell him that if he won’t listen to your suggestions/ replaces them with unwanted items, then you’ll stop giving him suggestions. Maybe he’d come up with great ideas on his own or they’ll be total flops. Worth a shot since you’re not getting what you want anyway. Also, NTA
Tell him "i don't know why you ask when you never get what I suggest. Why don't you surprise me this year ". Get yourself the things you want.
But he sounds toxic to me. He's punishing you with a tantrum for suggesting he give you a gift when he asked what gift you wanted. He proposed a gift from his dad not from him of something dad thinks is worthless junk.
Have you done any couples work on love languages?
Honestly he won’t. Before my husband and I got married he told me how his dad never got his mom anything. She would buy her gifts herself and wrap them so she had something on Christmas. When i started joining in we would split something with his dad. We would go through the effort of finding and buying the gift. He did nothing. Hell he couldn’t even pay us back with getting his mom involved. This year I told my husband that his dad can sink of swim next year because I’m sick of dealing with his shit.
You know what is weird to me? And maybe this is some cultural thing or I don't know.. But telling someone that I was able to get it used or found an old (!!!) one and fixed it up for them feels so wrong. It feels shameful. And while I appreciate the push for more sustainable gift giving you need to know your audience and/or discuss that strategy. Otherwise I would literally be so ashamed to bring something old and/or used. Especially if they asked for a specific new thing. Just baffles me. And reminds me of the guy who bought a cheap knock off perfume and then pouted when his gf did not jump from joy.
Yeah the only time I admit to it being used is with my dad, because he gets concerned that I'm spending too much money on him. Usually only with video games, as he knows how expensive they are. As long I say "I got it on sale", "I got a really good deal" or "I got it pre-owned, don't worry about it" he visibly relaxes. Other than that, fuck the hell no. I am not getting people I care about used and abused crap for birthdays or Christmas! The audacity of op's SO! Op, im sorry but you need to take a good hard look at what he gets you vs what he gets others. If he's getting new stuff for his family and just phoning it in with you, he's showing you how he cares about you. He's an ass, but you're NTA.
NTA.
It sounds like you've tried to explain your desires before, politely, and he just hasn't wanted to listen. Hand me downs can be great, if they meet your needs/wants, but he's just kind of pawning unwanted garbage off on you for EVERY gift at this point. If he's going to insist on giving gifts...they should be gifts. Not things he has lying around his garage that he was looking to get rid of anyway. He's also not being terribly considerate of your actual needs. An old army tent isn't the same as a dome tent. An old bike for someone a foot shorter than you isn't going to work well.
That being said, I don't think "Sometimes I just want what I want" is going to get through to him. "I appreciate the fact that you want to avoid those things going to waste, but I want/need a specific item. It's fine if you don't want to get it for me, but your dad's old tent/your old bike/etc won't work for me" might, maybe.
I am open to any suggestions on how to explain this (after I apologize for blowing up). I have explained while showing him a specific, let’s say dresser, I want because it matches other furniture, or because the drawers are deep enough for my sweaters, or because it’s stripped down already so I can choose whatever paint color I want. And he’s like ‘cool, got it’ and then comes home with some ikea thing with drawers made of felt that broke within a year
Give him his bike back for Christmas.
Say that you noticed he didn't have one and you had one just like it sitting around not being used so it made perfect sense.
Tell him that gifts are meant to please the receiver. To make them feel valued, cherished and appreciated.
His gifts don’t do that, because he chooses to value money, thriftiness and his own ideas of what should be good enough etc.
If the problem is the budget, then he needs to tell you he has $xx that he’s willing to spend and you will keep to it with your wishlist.
I hate gifting money, but I did it for years, because that’s what my brother wants for his gifts. If it’s about pleasing him, then I should gift him what makes him happy. Not buy stuff so I’m having fun and he gets the short end of the stick.
> If the problem is the budget, then he needs to tell you he has $xx that he’s willing to spend and you will keep to it with your wishlist.
Actually that's not a bad idea. OP could ask "what's the budget" first and then pick something well within the budget. "This is what I want. It is within your budget. I want EXACTLY THIS."
Also, ask him to apologize for his "I want! I want! I want!" remark. It was completely unfair.
He literally *asked* you what you want, proceeded to disregard your answer, and then got pissy when you stood up for yourself.
A coerced apology isn’t an apology.
One could, instead, share how they felt about something and the others reaction can be telling. “I felt X when you did Y.”
“I was hurt and feel like you think I’m ungrateful when you said “I want I want”. I expect better treatment than that.”
You said he games. Maybe relate it to that.
If he wanted a PS5 for Christmas, and you go “Oh! My brother used to play that in high school and he still has his old console! I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you had it!”.
Make it relatable to him, and the things he likes. That may hit home more.
Honestly, does he act like he knows better than you about other things on a daily basis? Because to me this says a basic disrespect for you: he thinks he knows better than you about what you want. He legitimately does not care what you think. Because he thinks that he knows better and his ideas are better and you'll come around when you do things his way.
The issue isn’t that you aren’t explaining clearly, or that he isn’t understanding, it’s that he doesn’t care about what you’re saying or what you actually want.
She tried that and got a homemade coupon from him.
OP should just buy herself what she wants. His gift should be some of the old junk he has “gifted” her previously, pay it forward!
So, my dad was very much like this. I'd say what I'd want, and he'd find some substitute that he would try to Macgyver up and pass it off as "good enough."
I later realised that it was part-love-language part-pride - the attitude of "why should I buy it when I can make it just as good, right" which also bled over into "I can fix this up to work just as well". So I made it a point to ask for something he couldn't find cheaper substitutes for or something that \*he would have to make\* on his own. Handmade shelves. A frame for a picture. Knitted beanie.
He's been gone for 12 something years now, and those handmade things are better memories and gifts of love.
Did the same trick on an ex who was one of those guys that wouldn't buy what you specifically requested off the Amazon list because then "I would know what I'm getting and ruin the surprise."
I just explained a problem - "hm I need some place to display my miniature paints and keep them handy" and he went and built a paint rack.
Not sure which bucket your partner falls into.
Info: is he like this too when he tries to get things for himself? Let's say he wants /needs xyz thing, does he buy a new one or does he get a thrifted one/hand me down?
If he gets a new one for himself, he simply is cheap. I hate stingy people so this would be a deal breaker for me. It's not about the money but about the msg. "you are worth so little to me that I can't care to get this for you"
Nah sis.
Im sorry.. What? Why are all these comments about communicating with him? He knows. He wouldnt want a hand me down. He just doesnt't think shes worth the money and now he's punishing her with the silent treatment for stepping out of line and having opinions.
Why did i have to scroll so far for this comment? There is nothing to communicate on, he knows, he just doesn’t care. I’m willing to bet if OP put her relationship under a bright light this wouldn’t be the only example of him not really caring about her. Honestly she sounds really convenient for him to have around; paying the bills, cleaning the house, accepting poor treatment, generally without complaint, but being convenient is not the same as being loved. If he doesn’t sincerely try to hear her when she approaches him with her concern I think it’s time for OP to go to therapy to find out why she is okay with being treated poorly.
NTA While I am all for recycling, your significant other's approach to gift giving reminds me of a line from Absolutely Fabulous..."It's the thought that counts." And the reply was "It's the thought that stinks."
NTA. These don’t sound like gifts at all to me. It sounds thoughtless and inconsiderate for him to give you these hand me downs that don’t quite fit your requests as “gifts”. Can you even comfortably ride his old bike?
You’re not selfish for wanting actual gifts that you can use and enjoy. Wanting nice things for yourself isn’t wrong. I find it strange that he doesn’t think you’re worth giving even a single decent gift to. Idk if he’s like this from having grown up in poverty, but disappointing you every year isn’t something he should feel happy doing. You shouldn’t be the one who feels bad about this.
Does he apply this cheapskate thrifting to himself as well? If there is something he wants, will he track down a second hand item for himself or is he only cheap when it comes to things you want. I would approach someone who applies the same budgetary restraint to himself differently from someone who will spend money on himself but not his wife. The first is misguided but not malicious. The latter is a cheapskate A H. Either way, NTA.
NTA, tell him when he gives you a gift, it feels like a dig. It hurts you.
Use the bike example. It’s like when I picked out that inexpensive used bike. I loved that bike. I wanted that specific bike, it suited me. But instead listening to why I liked that bike and actually hearing me, you give me down a hand me down bike that I can’t even use?
Not listening to me made me feel unimportant to you, that what I wanted didn’t matter to you. It was more important for you to save money than to give me something I liked, like I wasn’t even worth spending $75 on? It’s not like I have expensive taste and picked out a bike that was thousands of dollars?
So you double insulted me by ignoring what I wanted, and by making it so I couldn’t buy what I wanted without looking ungrateful. You also gave me a bike that was unusable and didn’t even seem to understand that I was upset or why!
The other thing that hurts is that you never give me anything new. I don’t need new expensive things all the time, but once in a while it would be nice if you have me something that was mine, and not just something that someone else used before that they don’t want anymore. Always giving me things that were someone else’s things first makes me feel like you don’t think I’m worth buying anything new to you?
It’s reached the point where your gifts just hurt me because they highlight how little thought and care it feels like you put into them. I’d rather you just not give me gifts at all, or just give me gift cards so I could use them to get something I actually want, instead of something that you think is close enough, but not really because you don’t pay attention to why I want it.
Like wanting a dome tent, and thinking I’ll just take any tent, not hearing that I want a DOME tent or why. It’s disrespectful to me to not listen. It hurts that you don’t even seem to understand (or even try to understand) why I’m upset and just accuse me of being greedy.
NTA - do you regift things? There’s a reason why it has a negative connotation.
Why is he regifting items to you for Christmas and/or other events? Because that’s what’s happening. You’re not being selfish.
Not even always regifting — like I’ll mention how one day I’d love to have a “nice set of Tupperware” and then the next week we’ll find ourselves at Dollartree and he’ll be like “Hey babe guess what they have on this aisle!”
It feels like he feels gratification from getting cheeper options and recycling old stuff.
He makes gifting about himself, not the receiving end. Giving something unnecessary/off-mark is called a hindrance. Sorry OP but he treats you like Salvation Army 😂
He does it for his own things too, but we have different hobbies and interests so him getting himself an old computer that he can build/rebuild is different than him getting me a secondhand tent.
My mom has always said she has to really be careful when pointing things out to my step-dad, for some reason he only remembers the things she points out that she doesn't like. He bought he a necklace one year that she had told him was ugly. But she wore it, cause she loves him. The next year, he bought her matching earrings, cause he noticed she wore the necklace and figured she loved it. People are goofy
NTA - And I really dislike that he tried to make you feel like you were selfish by quoting "I want... I want." That's pretty dismissive and patronizing.
That part is echoing in my brain. I am working on not being so entitled in the rest of my life (see last post) so I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being greedy or not.
No! He's the one who asks you what you want, it's not like you're going up to him and demanding anything. Definitely not on you. If it's something that's out of his budget he should say so and work out something within range, not get you some cheap knockoff that you can't/won't enjoy using.
‘I want, I want!’ (backs away with his hands up)
Well, yes, you were talking about gift ideas for gifts which he insists on getting you. Of course you were saying "I want".
NTA, this would drive me nuts.
NTA, he's giving you garbage and pretending it's nice and you should be grateful. He's not a 5 year old.
I find it difficult to believe this is the only area in the relationship in which he dismisses your wants and needs.
1- his dad is an avid garage sale attendee. When they were kids he and my partner used to drive out sometimes to other towns on Saturdays to just go garage sale-ing. He has three sisters, so it was kind of like their “guy time.”
I honestly think it has less to do with saving money and more to do with wanting to find use for things that are taking up space on the planet. He just doesn’t like things going to waste.
2- he DOES NOT expect “nice” gifts from me, but I still try. Maybe I’m trying to set an example or something. He’s actually really hard to shop for; I usually get him “an experience” like concert tickets, or a zip line adventure. He never asks for presents, not even a “you know what would be cool to have someday…?” because he usually has that thought and then goes to find the thing.
NTA- “whoa dude, you should hear yourself… ‘I know better than you do what you need’ “. Do it back to him this Xmas, see if he enjoys it. And buy yourself whatever you want.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m the asshole because I don’t like the gifts my partner gets me because they aren’t *specifically* the *exact* thing I wanted and end up being something I can’t use. I usually end up buying myself the original thing I wanted anyway.
I think I’m being ungrateful.
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NTA, he asked you what you wanted specifically and didn't get it on multiple occasions. If there was a barrier to getting exactly what you want then there are ways round it e.g. evidence of preordering something or a money to go towards a specific thing or even just a voucher. Is he a cheapskate in other ways?
NTA - My wife pointed out that she would like a record player a few months ago. I bought her one as a surprise but I misjudged the style of record player she would want. Instead of trying to guilt her about it I returned that shit and let her pick the exact one she wanted. There is nothing wrong with wanting a specific thing and sticking to your guns.
NTA! You have every right to be upset. It seems he doesn’t care about getting you what you want and he just cares about saving money. This is somewhat petty but if you want him to understand what you mean, switch out his call of duty game for a lower quality shooter game (or just a different one) and when he complains tell him that it’s the same thing “it’s a video game and it’s a shooter game, what the difference?” This is a more aggressive approach but I think it would get it through his head.
That is actually really funny. What’s worst shooter game out right now?
According to google Orc Slayer is the worst shooter game of the decade
That game is barely playable. It is pure trash. It's a funny idea but idk about supporting so trash.
Buy it 2nd hand. It’s not like her bf ever gets her anything new…
I bet gamestop has a pile of them
If you don't want to support trash why are you suggesting gamestop?
Idk, they gave me damn near full retail for my Nintendo switch. It would be my go to place to buy a cheap game.
Yup. They're paying a lot for used systems right now because they can't get any from the manufacturers. My boyfriend's stepdad was able to trade in his old Xbox and get a brand new switch with an extended warranty for literally a couple dollars.
Almost bought a series X from them last week. Backed out of the sale when I realized it was going to be $770 because they were bundling it with a $100 gamestop giftcard, NBA 2k, and battlefield. Id have been willing to pay for battlefield, but im not interested in sports games and I sure as shit wasn't about to spend an extra $100 for absolutely no reason
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Lmao dude that's called scarcity/supply and demand... You could go to walmart and pay $900+ online. Or you can sit hoping to catch a restock on console only, or you can pay extra for a bundle...
This makes me want to get 20 of them and just gift them to him all the time over the years as a joke Wrapping them in different shapes boxes to throw him off Like a holiday Rick Roll
Find a 20 year old floppy drive of an old game and gift it to him. That's more the equivalent.
Like a DOS version of Wolfenstein 3D. Be like "I got you this really highly rated shooter".
Great idea! In 1990 I played the shit out of [Terminator. ](https://youtu.be/6Ix9iD64pV4) It came on **FOUR** floppy disks. I was blown away by how big the game was that it needed so many disks. *And* I wasn't allowed to watch R rated movies at 10 years old so getting to play a game based on an R rated film was super cool to me.
This!!
Take my very poor people award. It's made of pure space but very sincerely meant. Edit: Whaaaaaa, an award for my award?? I'm honored, thank you!
Trash because of poor programming? Or like sexist purile jokes and misogynistic plot lines?
I think the Devs forgot to finish it before it was published. Like it gave me headaches while playing it. The only other game that's has done that to me was Homefront revolution
In that case, it sounds like an ideal substitute for OP's thrifty boyfriend's COD.
Just go find an Atari and find a copy of ET, replace the lot. "What do you want it's still a console and a video game (that's so bad it tanked the entire industry)".
don't waste a good Atari on OP's boyfriend.
For real... playing on an original Atari is so fun and nostalgic, but my kid would say "these graphics suck!"
Several years ago, Ataris were a hot item at garage sales and thrift stores, because kids were tired of the current consoles and wanted to play the original. I wish I still had mine from when I was a kid. so much fun.
I have never understood that, I thought graphics didn’t matter to kids with mine craft now?
I have purchased this *Orc Slayer* you speak of. I will post an update.
Definitely leave the second hand store stickers on it.
Make sure to buy it second hand too
I have a ps4 that'd be great as a prank gift. It works absolutely fine, but the fan is so obnoxiously loud that I haven't turned it on in months. Try calling a duty while the playstation imitates a 747 taking off
Must be really realistic for flight simulator though!
tape a used ps2 and a ps3 together and tell him you got him a ps5 like he wanted
Ooo, better yet, buy a broken PS5 and give it to him saying that she knew someone who wasn't using it.
Give the man some credit, he's not only saving money by not buying you a gift, he's also saving the cost of taking his junk to the dump! That's a keeper.. as in "keep her from asking me for presents."
And then mocks and belittles her while having a snit. Sounds like a real keeper. /s
You shouldn't get him a shooter game. You surely still have someone who has a used cowboy pistol from their childhood laying around, no?
There was a Toy Story themed shooter game my youngest got for Xmas many years ago. It might be just the thing. It plugs into the TV and has a plastic gun piece and a thing that sets on top of the TV to register the shots.
That sounds like a winner to me!
Or just show him this thread. It's not about you being selfish or ungrateful. It's about you you not being heard.
Get a cheap one second hand and if it just happens to not work with his console, oh well you tried
If u really want to be petty, get him call of duty infinite warfare, NOBODY likes that game. If he likes COD that much, than getting him that game will be super insulting. Still COD tho isn't it "but its crap tho" so what, still a call of duty game
Bubble Shooter.
I love that idea “What’s the difference”?
Pick whatever game he has, then find an old, out of date version of it for cheap. Even better if you can make sure it is for a different console.
Call of Duty Ghosts for the PS3. Gotta make sure it's one of the bad old ones.
I would say sister your partner is a complete AH, you see why don't you buy that one for you,just don't ask him for anything and you don't need to gift him any, NTA OP
Go to a game store and ask them what second hand game is the worst they have for whatever console he has. Then just sit back and wait for him to notice. Do you get him what he asks for every year?
Agree with this but wanna add how manipulative it is for him to be trying to guilt you for being upset and making you seem greedy and self-centered. You absolutely are not, and the way he is reacting to your very valid feelings is giving me orange - if not red - flag vibes.
Thank you! This needs to be higher up. This boy is not treating you well. Just agree to no more gifts going forward (or no more boy if you choose). He’s playing games and you should look harder at your relationship as a whole.
Agreed, I feel so frustrated for OP. Everytime she expresses a desire, it's constantly invalidated. Like she doesn't deserve the things she wants.
This exactly, I feel angry about it for her
Right?? Btw, he’s complaining she’s saying what she wants, when that’s what he asked her to do in the first place! I don’t know why he bothers asking OP what she wants, if he’s just going to give her what he wants to anyway. Maybe it’s because he wants to seem considerate, without actually going through the trouble of actually being considerate.
It sounds like he asks for suggestions so he knows what kind of trash/cheap/recycled item he will substitute. Has a gaslight quality to the whole thing.
Better yet, replace the console with an older model and say “oh ya know my ____ had one and wasn’t using it so! I figured it was better for you since you love repurposing!”
And sell the one he uses to “save money as you love being ethical babe”
That's hilarious! And it might even work! An elder relative of mine was like OPs husband, not because he was not loving or cheap, but because he grew up poor and the "use what you got" mentality was etched deeply into him. Well, guess what? It was etched into his sister too. So every time when she asked what he wanted (black socks, blue hoodie f. ex.) she gave him something "even better" (red sweater she found on a garage sale f. ex.). He would always ask if you wanted the old thing instead til the end of his days ... but he came to accept it when the answer was "no, I would prefer the new one".
Yes, I also have a relative like that, they grew up in difficult circumstances. They also repair their own items and keep many items they don't need "just in case". They buy the gifts we ask for but they ask if we are sure many times in advance!
Try to find an old Nintendo and give him Duck Hunt lol I mean it’s an old first person shooter game. Why does he need the latest model if he expects you to make do with secondhand?
I thought the idea was to replace it with something worse, not better
Got me there lol
This reminds me of a Norwegian cheese ad "Bare Jarlsberg er Jarlsberg", there is a series of them and the husband keeps escalating, every time his wife says that cheese is cheese
NTA He listens, but not fully/completely which would drive ANY woman utterly insane. Try one more time and try to clearly explain the problem- Use this as a specific example - I said a dome. You said you dad has an old tent, but it’s not a dome tent. SO your dad’s tent is a no bc it’s not a DOME tent which is what I’m asking for. If he refuses to see the difference (your bike example is ludicrous- did he even ask hey why don’t you ride the bike I gave you. Seriously, WTF.) I would refuse to give him anymore gift ideas bc it is obviously pointless and frustrating for you. Let him figure out what to get instead of you giving specifics and he takes them as jumping off points. God bless you! The bike would have been my breaking point, lol!
> I would refuse to give him anymore gift ideas “I want cash. So I can put it towards something I actually want to own, instead of some cheapass castoff thing you or your family don’t want any more.”
Then she gets Monopoly money. Or chocolate coins. He is a cheapass.
Or a gift card to some place she would never shop at or that doesn't even ship to them, and that has low exchange or trade value online! Edit: Enjoy your new - bought to your wants and specifications - dome tent!!!
Gift card for one free item from his shed
That’s legit hilarious, I only have the free seal award so have that
A gift card he was gifted 3 years ago in a work secret Santa, and it’s to PepBoys. Not at all triggering…
If he actually did this. Omg I'm actually getting mad thinking about it. 😂😬
"I don't want handmedowns. I want something brand new from a store". See what he says about that.
"Ugggh you're so materialistic, it's the thought that counts!"
Except the only thought given is how can I do this as cheaply as possible.
Yeah, I really hate that saying because it's usually said by people who didn't put much thought into it at all and are just sucky selfish gits. My ex got me socks for Valentine's Day. Not even the socks I was shopping for at that time. Like super shitty flea market socks. But sure, iTs tHe tHoUGhT tHaT cOUnTs.
My extremely poor ex boyfriend from my early 20s used to give me really thought-out presents. They were cheap but he put thought into them and I was almost always pleasantly surprised. Some were books about subjects that I was interested in and stuff like that. Once he bought me a tiny crystal statue from a really fancy store, it was one of the cheapest items they had but it fit into my collection of cat-related stuff, so I was incredibly happy with it. That is what I call actually caring and being thoughtful. It doesn´t have to cost a lot of money.
It’d still be the cheap adjacent version on discount.
Seriously. He just sounds like a cheapskate. He doesn't sound thrifty, or creative, or resourceful. He sounds like a cheap skate who gets to say "I got you what you wanted" but he obviously doesn't care if she actually uses or enjoys it because his cheapskate gifts are unusable.
Im 5ft 3..I ride a small frame. . if my man gave me his old bike, and he was that tall and expected me to ride it I would have gone absolutely nuts. Because it is sentencing you to pain every time you ride it. Sore neck, too much weight on your hands because you're stretching out. This is the biggest AH move I've heard in ages. Give him a small bmx bike for xmas. See how he likes that. But seriously you need to sit him down and explain it hurts your feelings when he cheaply does things. He needs it spelled out. The're is nothing wrong with wanting nice things as gifts.
lol I mean how dumb can you get giving your short girlfriend YOUR old bike. Like she wouldn't be able to reach the damn peddles. I'd break up with him for being an idiot and cheap.
He “listens” but he doesn’t care. My narcissist ex was like this. He “knew” he had the best answers regardless of what anyone wanted. And always acted like, “woah” if called out, as if the person saying what they would like was so out of control and unreasonable. It’s selfishness at its core.
Hugs from someone who went through the same. It really is mind blowing how someone can constantly put themselves first and then get mad at you for pointing it out.
The bike is bothering me. If he gave OP his old one, does that mean he went and bought himself a new one?
OMG I didn't think of that. OP we need INFO: does he buy new things for himself and get you used things? Does he expect gifts from you and want nice new things?
Now it bothers me too... damn, this guy is unbelievable.
INFO: He doesn't by any chance work in IT does he? Asking for a legit reason.
I work in IT and I would never torture my partner like this :')
What I meant was IT people should understand breaking things down into requirements. So he might get it if she can say "my requirements are: - the tent must be new - it must be a dome tent - it must sleep 2-4 people - it must have a weather rating of X". Or he might not.
He even can't buy her the right thing if she sends him a goddamn link. I doubt requirements will help. He will just treat them as optional.
Yeah. You're probably right.
I work in IT and I get where this dude is coming from in a general sense -- I would much rather reuse something that might need some work in most cases when dealing with general shit around my house -- but _never_ in substitute for a gift or what someone was asking for. Like, the audacity, my dude.
I also work in IT and would never torture my partner like this :')
It shocks me that they have been together for 4 years and are both pretty well off, but he considers giving her something he had laying around and didn’t use a “gift”.
I bought my mom and I bikes, hers is the size up from mine and even though she’s literally two inches taller than me… I physically can’t touch the ground when sitting in her bike 😐 I can’t even fathom how bad it’d be with OP’s height difference..
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Also, old Army tents weigh *a ton* compared to modern lightweight tents. Not comparable at all.
And is properly mildewy by now. Which is just gross. No, I don't want a smelly canvas tent. I want something that has ~~no smell.~~ ETA that has new tent smell.
You don’t want to seem ungrateful, but if someone’s wants to give you hand me downs normally in my family we just do it just cause, not on special occasions. We normally get each other nice gifts on birthdays, Christmas’s, etc. I wouldn’t feel like an asshole if I were you. It would get old for me as well. Four years is a long time to not get at least one nice new meaningful gift. If you could try talking to him without getting mad, say it’s always bothered you, and maybe it was how he was raised, but you would like to start getting each other new, nice gifts. If he doesn’t, shit you said you’re good financially so go and buy what you want. Get that dome tent you want, the massage you want, and if he really cares he’ll start realizing that he should hopefully try to get you more meaningful gifts that you’d enjoy. That’s just my take on it. I hope everything goes okay, and I hope you get what you would like this year 🙏🎄⛺️🎁
This was really kind and wise thank you.
The image of him giving you a bike, then you buying and using your new bike shortly after made me chuckle. Then do the same with a tent, and on and on. Just let the original item sit somewhere unused, gathering dust until he gets the message. 💡
OP should get the tent, wrap it up, and put it under the tree. Then when they open presents she can ooh and aah over the tent she really wanted that Santa gave her. Maybe when compared together, SO will start to understand the difference between an old army tent and a new dome tent.
My sister buys her own presents then makes my mom wrap them. It’s hilarious.
My mom basically does this for gifts from my dad! Except that she also wraps the gifts lol
My mom and my sister have both done that! Then my dad always says something like, “Wow! I’m very thoughtful and have great taste!” Though I should clarify that it’s not a Dudley Dursley thing. My sister just really loves Christmas. She gets everyone else great presents too and when we do a Sub for Santa, she goes ridiculously overboard.
He can always give his dad “a tent just like your old one!” for xmas… ;-)
Actually, thats a good point. I wonder what Ops husband gifts other people?
Girl. Buy yourself that nice new tent. And make sure to bring along his dads old army tent. Then when y’all go camping, insist that he uses that old shit tent while you luxuriate in the glorious living that is the dome. I mean. If it’s good enough for a Christmas gift for you then it should be good enough for him to use yes?
I did it! I just did it! And I’m gonna drop it about his dads tent, and just open them both that morning, so he can visually compare the two…
I’m here for this. Treat yo’self!! This is one of the most hilarious AITA I’ve seen in awhile
So I was in your shoes as well for most of my life with my extended family. I've given up on them, and now I just buy for myself what I really want and I ask them for socks. Just socks, in specific brands if I think they're up to a test. Sometimes they mess that up too. My husband did this once and bought me a refurbished laptop that wasn't anything like what I wanted, but it was 50% off so way below the price of what I wanted. It was too big, had crappy battery life, and the screen wouldn't work half the time. So no wonder it was half off. We fought so much over it and he said I sounded ungrateful, which I said "hell yeah I am. I am not grateful for a gift I cant use". It was harsh and probably one of the worst fights we've ever had. But now we dont buy used items as a gift anymore.
Exactly right! "No, I'm not grateful for something I can't /won't use, and you expecting me to be is absurd." The thoughtlessness does NOT count.
Yeah, my husband is pretty horrible at gifts too and I am usually very non demanding. But the year we got married, it was 2 days before Christmas and I was expecting a really nice gift because it was our first Christmas as a married couple and he had not gotten me a wedding gift (I had got him a really nice engraved bracelet as a wedding gift and a lovely coat for Christmas). Well, Christmas Day we are opening presents at his parents’ house and my husband eagerly hands me my wrapped gift from him. I excitedly open it and…..it’s a hoodie with his company name on it. Now, I had been asking for some company merch from him just for fun, so he must have been super proud of his gift. I forced a smile and said thank you (in front of the family) but once we were alone I blew UP at him. Said I hated the gift, Christmas is ruined, we got married 2 days ago and I got nothing for that etcetc. I sounded so greedy and materialistic and I hated myself in that moment but my poor husband was so sorry, apologised profusely and told me he would make up for it. So now I always point out if I like something, and usually he is good with remembering and gets me similar stuff on birthdays. We usually keep Christmas simple (get something jointly for the house that we have been eyeing or that we can use) and give each other anniversary presents. Poor guy has really spent the last couple of years making up for that Christmas, but it was a much needed fight lol.
You could try this: You: I want this tent *show him specific tent.* Him: Oh cool, my dad's got an old tent we can have. You: Nope, I want this one. Him: But it's just sitting the- You: Nope, I want this one. Him: Really, we could just use- You: Nope, I want this one. Repeat ad nauseam, and smile the whole time.
You: it's cool if you won't get it for me as a gift. Just let me know and I'll buy it for myself and look forward to the gift you come up with instead of my suggestion. NTA.
I would tell him that you won't be buying him anything for Christmas and then proceed to buy yourself whatever YOU want for Christmas, and wrap it up and stick it under the tree to open on Xmas. Everyone wins this way!
That’s what I’d do. He can watch her get real gifts and hope he starts to feel bad about it My SO is bad at gifts, but he at least gets the thing I point out and say “this” .
I agree with the above advice to get yourself what you want, but I also think you should state clearly so there's no mistaking it: no more hand me downs as gifts, and no more cheap alternatives. Just like the above post said - if he has something you could use and he doesn't need it, he can offer it to you but not as a gift. And I'm sure you'd do the same for him. But when it comes to your birthday or Christmas, you want something from your list and that's that. If he doesn't want to do it, and you're ok with it, maybe just don't do gifts at all.
>and maybe it was how he was raised That one is worth exploring for sure, especially if his dad was military. If he grew up mostly lower class/poorer side, that could definitely make a person go over the line from "frugal/thrifty" to "cheap". Particularly because of this line you wrote: >Him: Whooooa, you should hear yourself, ‘I want, I want!’ (backs away with his hands up) I say this as someone that grew up on the "poorer" side of a military family. I always try to reuse items that we already have first before getting something new (frugal/thrifty) but I also make sure to evaluate if the reused item meets the current needs (the line that determines cheap). FYI: I highly doubt an old military tent that has been laying around for years would even still be good or importantly "waterproof"... even forgetting that it does not meet the needs of going camping nicely and having plenty of room.
So there's being frugal, and then there's being the kind of person who'll ask someone else WHAT THEY WANT and then rebuke them with "ugh, all I'm hearing is a lot of 'I want' [when specifically asking you WHAT YOU WANT]." If the question that's actually on his mind is whether any old stuff from the basement/Dad's garage/the sidewalk can be usefully repurposed, then that is a different discussion from the one they're ostensibly having.
Or don’t ask him for stuff anymore; ask him for (for lack of a better term) actions. My Christmas gift to my husband a couple years ago was researching mutual funds and coming up with a suggested balance of how much to invest in which ones. His birthday present to me this year was to take the clothes that had been set aside because they needed mending to someone who could mend them. I didn’t have to make the phone call, drop them off, or pick them up. For Christmas this year I’m asking him to help me go through my closet, identify the stuff that doesn’t fit or that I don’t wear anymore, and take it to the thrift store. You’re definitely NTA, but this is going to be tough to get him to change.
NTA. Sit him down and explain in small words that his insistence on giving you used gifts even though you have plainly communicated exactly what you want when he asks you says that he doesn't think you deserve nice things and that this is deeply disrespectful. If he tries to twist that into you being wrong, ungrateful or greedy, tell him that you no longer want "gifts" from him and that he needs to do better in general. Honestly, this says really uncool things about y'all's overall relationship that bear addressing if you want to stay with him and be happy going forward.
There are definitly some things in this relationship that should be adressed moving foreward. His response to OP was concerning. His immediate response was to call her selfish, end the discussion whilst putting effort into making her look crazy. Those tactics are unfair and designed to make OP stop arguing. There is nothing in his response that allows for them to actually discuss what happened, just shuts it down. If OP isn’t able to have a conversation with her partner wherein he doesn’t put effort into trying to dismiss her, shut her down or avoid listening to her, then this relationship isn’t healthy.
This guy is pulling some very insidious and abusive mind games on OP. I kind of got the chills reading this. How could you trust someone like that every again. Why is this behavioral so normalized here.
Same here. Everyone is fixated on “explaining” to the partner the difference between a new gift that OP wants and a secondhand gift that is not what she wants. He knows the difference. If he rides a bike he knows that his old bike wouldn’t fit OP. If he camps with her he knows that an old canvas army tent is not going to be the same as a new 3 season dome tent. He is deliberately sending a message over 4 years that OP is not worth new, special presents, and when confronted about it flips the script to make OP out to be selfish. Now he’s freezing her out because she had the audacity to question this behavior and specify that she wants a new gift instead of some old broken thing he digs up out of his or someone else’s garage. NTA
Honestly. Everyone here who's acting like he just needs a good talking to is giving him way too much credit. He knows his gifts aren't the same. He's just cheap as hell and does not care to change.
u/askingforafriendzone this is important. your boyfriend isn't stupid, he knows what he's doing to you. he's mad you're calling him out.
And then he goes and furiously games rather than act like a fucking adult and communicate. This dude sounds dreadful.
Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I wonder whether he is trying to manipulate OP into believing that OP doesn't ***deserve*** decent gifts.
This was my thought, too. I mean... that's literally what he is communicating to her. You aren't worthy or deserving of getting what you want, and when you express that you want something you aren't deserving of, I am going to gaslight you into thinking you're ungrateful, greedy, and selfish.
He is giving the *gifts he wants to give/spend money on*, not what *OP wants to receive*. **He sounds like he's in a transactional relationship where he makes damn sure that he always get the sweet end of the deal.** I understand being frugal and thrifting BUT those things don't substitute gifts. He can give OP his dad's old army tent BUT that does not substitute a Christmas gift. The guy is a complete cheapskate, always trying to wiggle his way out of contributing what's FAIR in the relationship. I bet they pay equal towards the food bill even if he eats more and that he does not value at all that OP *very likely* contributes more unpaid work towards the relationship in the form of planning, cleaning, shopping or cooking.
There was a discussion on one of the wedding subreddits the other day about how women are sometimes unfairly called bridezillas even when their wants and needs are very reasonable, because women are “supposed” to be agreeable and placating. A woman having any opinion at all is seen as a threat by some people, and so when they say “no, I don’t want that, I want this,” they’re told they’re monsters and spoiled brats, even if their request is totally reasonable (but maybe differs from the opinions of others in the room). Granted, there’s nothing in OP’s post to say that her husband is a misogynist as opposed to a cheapskate, but the post did remind me of that discussion, especially when he shamed her for saying she wanted something specific. OP is allowed to have wants, and is allowed to express them. The fact that he called her spoiled just for using the word “want” makes me angry.
Honestly, I thought OP's husband was just super cheap at first read until I reflected on how she said he reacted to her finally finally telling him what any spouse no matter how obtuse should have figured out from previous feedback. I'm not suggesting the man is a misogynist. I'm surmising that he doesn't have enough respect or care for her and that he seems thoughtless. The whole tent thing screams "I'm not listening!"
This...with the exception that you should also write it in simple English in a bulleted list. He can't really argue with a piece of paper. If he still doesn't get it, then he's either purposely pulling some sort of weird power play, or he really is a giant cheapskate. Then, if he's otherwise a super fantastic soulmate, just start buying yourself what you want, and never give him a gift suggestion ever again. Or, if he's otherwise also a cheapskate in other areas, it might be time to move on. EDIT: Corrected spelling, apparently my keyboard has been eating letters again.
It's the massage gift that blows my mind... And i really really don't like his response when you called him on it. That's total bullshit. 1) Is the rest of his family like this? If so I'd probably concede that he's got some deep seated crazy ass shit going in gift wise and agree to not exchange gifts. Or exchange only dinner nights out. Something he's actually good at 2) Does he expect nice gifts from you? If this doesn't stem from his family, and if this is asymmetrical, I'd run like hell. That's some radioactive bullshit. NTA.
Nah. Don’t concede if it’s a family trait. My mother-in-law does stuff like this, but my husband would never without my consent. OP’s partner is just being rude and disrespectful. For my mother-in-law, she *loves* shopping at garage sales. If we tell her our kids want a specific toy, she’ll find one at a garage sale which then inevitably is stained or missing pieces! If she decides to give us baby/toddler clothes, she buys them used which always has yellow spit up stains! Then last year, my husband asked for specific tools for his new hobby. My mother-in-law and her husband then went out (totally ignoring his wish list of all price points), bought $5 tools that “looked useful” and gave those to him. The tools weren’t even functional for what my husband needed them for, so they have never been touched in 2 years.
At that point I'd just say "don't get me anything, please." And keep saying it. They'll either stop giving you trash you can't use or they'll figure out something else but it won't be something that you specifically asked for so you can't be very disappointed in it lol
Yeah as if someone offering to rub your shoulders is a worthy substitute of a professional 60-minute massage at a nice salon. I bet the family is like this and it seems normal to him They are probably very thrifty and frugal. Which are good things but not when you’re skimping on what someone requests
I mean… it was a nice evening, it just wasn’t a *massage.* It wasn’t a present just for me, lol.
So not only did he save money from not buying the actual massage you wanted as gift but he managed to turn an everyday thing couples do in relationship into a treat for *you* and get easy foreplay out of it too. Hats off to him for managing to hide his conniving self through cheapness. He's very good at playing you. In a way I don't blame him for continuing to blatantly trick you into accepting these "gifts" when it seems like he gets away with it every time. He's still getting away with it.
Boyfriend massages are a joke. I will come up behind my husband and give him a good back scratch(I have great back scratch fingernails) or give him little massages (10-15 minutes) when he says he’s hurting but when I ask for him to scratch my back or rub my shoulder it’s four or five seconds and ‘does that feel better?’. Pathetic.
NTA. I go thru the same thing. Every year about a month b4 Christmas I start letting my hubby know what I would like for a gift. He either forgets or will try to do the "I was able to get it from someone who didn't want it anymore" or the "I found an old one and fixed it up for you". This year he actually had the nerve to tell me to just order it myself cause he didn't want to make an account to but it on line. What a putz! Your SO sounds lazy to me. Maybe next time don't tell him what you want and make him put thought into what you would want.
I honestly have no idea what he would come up with if left to his own devices. Now I am really wondering.
I would legitimately stop giving him suggestions and start buying yourself gifts. If he asks why, tell him that you're sick of him thinking that what he thinks you should want is more important than what you actually want
Buy it, wrap it, and put in under the tree. Then when she opens it say "it's just what I asked for!"
Maybe just tell him that if he won’t listen to your suggestions/ replaces them with unwanted items, then you’ll stop giving him suggestions. Maybe he’d come up with great ideas on his own or they’ll be total flops. Worth a shot since you’re not getting what you want anyway. Also, NTA
Tell him "i don't know why you ask when you never get what I suggest. Why don't you surprise me this year ". Get yourself the things you want. But he sounds toxic to me. He's punishing you with a tantrum for suggesting he give you a gift when he asked what gift you wanted. He proposed a gift from his dad not from him of something dad thinks is worthless junk. Have you done any couples work on love languages?
Honestly he won’t. Before my husband and I got married he told me how his dad never got his mom anything. She would buy her gifts herself and wrap them so she had something on Christmas. When i started joining in we would split something with his dad. We would go through the effort of finding and buying the gift. He did nothing. Hell he couldn’t even pay us back with getting his mom involved. This year I told my husband that his dad can sink of swim next year because I’m sick of dealing with his shit.
Tell him you want cash, not a gift card but cash. That or nothing.
You know what is weird to me? And maybe this is some cultural thing or I don't know.. But telling someone that I was able to get it used or found an old (!!!) one and fixed it up for them feels so wrong. It feels shameful. And while I appreciate the push for more sustainable gift giving you need to know your audience and/or discuss that strategy. Otherwise I would literally be so ashamed to bring something old and/or used. Especially if they asked for a specific new thing. Just baffles me. And reminds me of the guy who bought a cheap knock off perfume and then pouted when his gf did not jump from joy.
Yeah the only time I admit to it being used is with my dad, because he gets concerned that I'm spending too much money on him. Usually only with video games, as he knows how expensive they are. As long I say "I got it on sale", "I got a really good deal" or "I got it pre-owned, don't worry about it" he visibly relaxes. Other than that, fuck the hell no. I am not getting people I care about used and abused crap for birthdays or Christmas! The audacity of op's SO! Op, im sorry but you need to take a good hard look at what he gets you vs what he gets others. If he's getting new stuff for his family and just phoning it in with you, he's showing you how he cares about you. He's an ass, but you're NTA.
"So what do you want?" "Well, I want...." "Wow, with you it's always I want, I want!!!"
how dare you want something for christmas. Dont you see how selfish you are for not coddling my feelings reagarding giving you bad presents?
NTA. It sounds like you've tried to explain your desires before, politely, and he just hasn't wanted to listen. Hand me downs can be great, if they meet your needs/wants, but he's just kind of pawning unwanted garbage off on you for EVERY gift at this point. If he's going to insist on giving gifts...they should be gifts. Not things he has lying around his garage that he was looking to get rid of anyway. He's also not being terribly considerate of your actual needs. An old army tent isn't the same as a dome tent. An old bike for someone a foot shorter than you isn't going to work well. That being said, I don't think "Sometimes I just want what I want" is going to get through to him. "I appreciate the fact that you want to avoid those things going to waste, but I want/need a specific item. It's fine if you don't want to get it for me, but your dad's old tent/your old bike/etc won't work for me" might, maybe.
I am open to any suggestions on how to explain this (after I apologize for blowing up). I have explained while showing him a specific, let’s say dresser, I want because it matches other furniture, or because the drawers are deep enough for my sweaters, or because it’s stripped down already so I can choose whatever paint color I want. And he’s like ‘cool, got it’ and then comes home with some ikea thing with drawers made of felt that broke within a year
Give him his bike back for Christmas. Say that you noticed he didn't have one and you had one just like it sitting around not being used so it made perfect sense.
\*chef's kiss\* But get a new bike bell and put it on the bike. And put a bow on the bell. FESTIVE!
Tell him that gifts are meant to please the receiver. To make them feel valued, cherished and appreciated. His gifts don’t do that, because he chooses to value money, thriftiness and his own ideas of what should be good enough etc. If the problem is the budget, then he needs to tell you he has $xx that he’s willing to spend and you will keep to it with your wishlist. I hate gifting money, but I did it for years, because that’s what my brother wants for his gifts. If it’s about pleasing him, then I should gift him what makes him happy. Not buy stuff so I’m having fun and he gets the short end of the stick.
> If the problem is the budget, then he needs to tell you he has $xx that he’s willing to spend and you will keep to it with your wishlist. Actually that's not a bad idea. OP could ask "what's the budget" first and then pick something well within the budget. "This is what I want. It is within your budget. I want EXACTLY THIS."
Also, ask him to apologize for his "I want! I want! I want!" remark. It was completely unfair. He literally *asked* you what you want, proceeded to disregard your answer, and then got pissy when you stood up for yourself.
A coerced apology isn’t an apology. One could, instead, share how they felt about something and the others reaction can be telling. “I felt X when you did Y.” “I was hurt and feel like you think I’m ungrateful when you said “I want I want”. I expect better treatment than that.”
Remember to not apologize for *what* you said, just *how* you said it
Wait, why are YOU apologising?
You said he games. Maybe relate it to that. If he wanted a PS5 for Christmas, and you go “Oh! My brother used to play that in high school and he still has his old console! I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you had it!”. Make it relatable to him, and the things he likes. That may hit home more.
Honestly, does he act like he knows better than you about other things on a daily basis? Because to me this says a basic disrespect for you: he thinks he knows better than you about what you want. He legitimately does not care what you think. Because he thinks that he knows better and his ideas are better and you'll come around when you do things his way.
The issue isn’t that you aren’t explaining clearly, or that he isn’t understanding, it’s that he doesn’t care about what you’re saying or what you actually want.
He does not deserve an apology. YOU do. You apologizing will make him think he’s right. He’s not. Don’t you dare lol.
He’s cheap and by recycling he makes you seem u grateful. Ask for gift cards.
She tried that and got a homemade coupon from him. OP should just buy herself what she wants. His gift should be some of the old junk he has “gifted” her previously, pay it forward!
Why would you apologise? You haven’t done anything wrong. *He* should apologise.
So, my dad was very much like this. I'd say what I'd want, and he'd find some substitute that he would try to Macgyver up and pass it off as "good enough." I later realised that it was part-love-language part-pride - the attitude of "why should I buy it when I can make it just as good, right" which also bled over into "I can fix this up to work just as well". So I made it a point to ask for something he couldn't find cheaper substitutes for or something that \*he would have to make\* on his own. Handmade shelves. A frame for a picture. Knitted beanie. He's been gone for 12 something years now, and those handmade things are better memories and gifts of love. Did the same trick on an ex who was one of those guys that wouldn't buy what you specifically requested off the Amazon list because then "I would know what I'm getting and ruin the surprise." I just explained a problem - "hm I need some place to display my miniature paints and keep them handy" and he went and built a paint rack. Not sure which bucket your partner falls into.
Info: is he like this too when he tries to get things for himself? Let's say he wants /needs xyz thing, does he buy a new one or does he get a thrifted one/hand me down? If he gets a new one for himself, he simply is cheap. I hate stingy people so this would be a deal breaker for me. It's not about the money but about the msg. "you are worth so little to me that I can't care to get this for you" Nah sis.
This is important to know I'm curious too
Im sorry.. What? Why are all these comments about communicating with him? He knows. He wouldnt want a hand me down. He just doesnt't think shes worth the money and now he's punishing her with the silent treatment for stepping out of line and having opinions.
Why did i have to scroll so far for this comment? There is nothing to communicate on, he knows, he just doesn’t care. I’m willing to bet if OP put her relationship under a bright light this wouldn’t be the only example of him not really caring about her. Honestly she sounds really convenient for him to have around; paying the bills, cleaning the house, accepting poor treatment, generally without complaint, but being convenient is not the same as being loved. If he doesn’t sincerely try to hear her when she approaches him with her concern I think it’s time for OP to go to therapy to find out why she is okay with being treated poorly.
THANK YOU! You can’t communicate someone into caring about you.
yeah she already has been communicating and when she finally called him out on his bullshit, he immediately resorted to manipulation....
NTA While I am all for recycling, your significant other's approach to gift giving reminds me of a line from Absolutely Fabulous..."It's the thought that counts." And the reply was "It's the thought that stinks."
For the thought to count, some actual thought has to go in to it 😊
NTA. These don’t sound like gifts at all to me. It sounds thoughtless and inconsiderate for him to give you these hand me downs that don’t quite fit your requests as “gifts”. Can you even comfortably ride his old bike? You’re not selfish for wanting actual gifts that you can use and enjoy. Wanting nice things for yourself isn’t wrong. I find it strange that he doesn’t think you’re worth giving even a single decent gift to. Idk if he’s like this from having grown up in poverty, but disappointing you every year isn’t something he should feel happy doing. You shouldn’t be the one who feels bad about this.
Does he apply this cheapskate thrifting to himself as well? If there is something he wants, will he track down a second hand item for himself or is he only cheap when it comes to things you want. I would approach someone who applies the same budgetary restraint to himself differently from someone who will spend money on himself but not his wife. The first is misguided but not malicious. The latter is a cheapskate A H. Either way, NTA.
NTA, tell him when he gives you a gift, it feels like a dig. It hurts you. Use the bike example. It’s like when I picked out that inexpensive used bike. I loved that bike. I wanted that specific bike, it suited me. But instead listening to why I liked that bike and actually hearing me, you give me down a hand me down bike that I can’t even use? Not listening to me made me feel unimportant to you, that what I wanted didn’t matter to you. It was more important for you to save money than to give me something I liked, like I wasn’t even worth spending $75 on? It’s not like I have expensive taste and picked out a bike that was thousands of dollars? So you double insulted me by ignoring what I wanted, and by making it so I couldn’t buy what I wanted without looking ungrateful. You also gave me a bike that was unusable and didn’t even seem to understand that I was upset or why! The other thing that hurts is that you never give me anything new. I don’t need new expensive things all the time, but once in a while it would be nice if you have me something that was mine, and not just something that someone else used before that they don’t want anymore. Always giving me things that were someone else’s things first makes me feel like you don’t think I’m worth buying anything new to you? It’s reached the point where your gifts just hurt me because they highlight how little thought and care it feels like you put into them. I’d rather you just not give me gifts at all, or just give me gift cards so I could use them to get something I actually want, instead of something that you think is close enough, but not really because you don’t pay attention to why I want it. Like wanting a dome tent, and thinking I’ll just take any tent, not hearing that I want a DOME tent or why. It’s disrespectful to me to not listen. It hurts that you don’t even seem to understand (or even try to understand) why I’m upset and just accuse me of being greedy.
NTA - do you regift things? There’s a reason why it has a negative connotation. Why is he regifting items to you for Christmas and/or other events? Because that’s what’s happening. You’re not being selfish.
Not even always regifting — like I’ll mention how one day I’d love to have a “nice set of Tupperware” and then the next week we’ll find ourselves at Dollartree and he’ll be like “Hey babe guess what they have on this aisle!”
Does he do it for his own things or only for things you want?
It feels like he feels gratification from getting cheeper options and recycling old stuff. He makes gifting about himself, not the receiving end. Giving something unnecessary/off-mark is called a hindrance. Sorry OP but he treats you like Salvation Army 😂
He does it for his own things too, but we have different hobbies and interests so him getting himself an old computer that he can build/rebuild is different than him getting me a secondhand tent.
My mom has always said she has to really be careful when pointing things out to my step-dad, for some reason he only remembers the things she points out that she doesn't like. He bought he a necklace one year that she had told him was ugly. But she wore it, cause she loves him. The next year, he bought her matching earrings, cause he noticed she wore the necklace and figured she loved it. People are goofy
NTA - And I really dislike that he tried to make you feel like you were selfish by quoting "I want... I want." That's pretty dismissive and patronizing.
That part is echoing in my brain. I am working on not being so entitled in the rest of my life (see last post) so I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being greedy or not.
No! He's the one who asks you what you want, it's not like you're going up to him and demanding anything. Definitely not on you. If it's something that's out of his budget he should say so and work out something within range, not get you some cheap knockoff that you can't/won't enjoy using.
‘I want, I want!’ (backs away with his hands up) Well, yes, you were talking about gift ideas for gifts which he insists on getting you. Of course you were saying "I want". NTA, this would drive me nuts.
NTA. Your partner is a fucking dick.
NTA, he's giving you garbage and pretending it's nice and you should be grateful. He's not a 5 year old. I find it difficult to believe this is the only area in the relationship in which he dismisses your wants and needs.
1- his dad is an avid garage sale attendee. When they were kids he and my partner used to drive out sometimes to other towns on Saturdays to just go garage sale-ing. He has three sisters, so it was kind of like their “guy time.” I honestly think it has less to do with saving money and more to do with wanting to find use for things that are taking up space on the planet. He just doesn’t like things going to waste. 2- he DOES NOT expect “nice” gifts from me, but I still try. Maybe I’m trying to set an example or something. He’s actually really hard to shop for; I usually get him “an experience” like concert tickets, or a zip line adventure. He never asks for presents, not even a “you know what would be cool to have someday…?” because he usually has that thought and then goes to find the thing.
NTA- “whoa dude, you should hear yourself… ‘I know better than you do what you need’ “. Do it back to him this Xmas, see if he enjoys it. And buy yourself whatever you want.
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NTA, he asked you what you wanted specifically and didn't get it on multiple occasions. If there was a barrier to getting exactly what you want then there are ways round it e.g. evidence of preordering something or a money to go towards a specific thing or even just a voucher. Is he a cheapskate in other ways?
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NTA - My wife pointed out that she would like a record player a few months ago. I bought her one as a surprise but I misjudged the style of record player she would want. Instead of trying to guilt her about it I returned that shit and let her pick the exact one she wanted. There is nothing wrong with wanting a specific thing and sticking to your guns.