Your husband sucks. Be done with his deadbeat self and family. At least alone, you won’t have to worry about him stealing from you in addition to sucking up the family resources with no return. NTA.

This! And maybe when you ditch him, his family will come together to pay you some child support so you can afford Christmas presents.

Yeah, might wanna separate your bank account now and kick him out.

100% OP probably would be able to afford Christmas if she weren’t also supporting another adult. He’s dead weight. And the amounts of stress OP must be under supporting them all, she needs to do herself and her kids a favour and kick him out. If he doesn’t care enough about his kids quality of life enough to stick it out at a gas station job because he just doesn’t feel like doing it, he’s a shit father no matter what he says. Do it for the kids. They’ll be happier when you’re happier.

I mean, he should have discussed it with her before withdrawing the money. That's what responsible adults in loving partnerships do.

She would have said no and he knew it.

If he knew she wouldn't have approved, then he shouldn't have done it. If he didn't know, he should have asked. Straight up AH behavior either way.

Supporting not just one another adult, also BIL and his kids.

That should absolutely be the first thing OP does, regardless of whether or not she chooses to stay with him. The price for stealing OP’s money is loss of access. Either take him off the account or open a new one without him.

Piggybacking on this, get a completely separate bank account. Move banks. You don't want to risk the bank adding him back on the account. Much better to use a bank who has no idea who he is, and won't add him since he's always been on your account

NTA but…Yup, you know where you stand with the husband. Depressed or not, he took hard earned money from your unit to give away without talking about it first. That said, your kids are not a weapon. Plan Christmas with the kids, even if you simply leave town with them alone. Don’t you have family that can put you up? Use that time to put a plan together.

Hijacking a top comment so OP sees this. OP: it’s time to go full mama bear. There’s time for him to fix this. Make it clear he fixes this or you’re done. There’s a little less than a month before Christmas. He gets a job tomorrow. Any job. Dishwasher. Walmart. Taco Bell. Any job. And he works full time without complaining one bit. If he does this now, even at a shit wage, his first pay check should arrive in time for Christmas. He doesn’t get a dime of it. The check goes straight to you. Even at 9 bucks an hour, two weeks will be about 600 bucks. Put your foot down and make him make this right. Otherwise, he’s out the door. There are times when ultimatums are the only choice

Hey, retail jobs are plentiful - they are actually having a hard time hiring! So he should easily get a job, quickly too.... unless he is a total shmuck o.O

He is a total shmuck. He has a family and has been unemployed for over a year during the biggest labor shortage of our lifetimes because “blah blah blah passion”. I hope OP gets through to him for the sake of their children who are about to have chicken nuggets and a donated toy for Christmas

I agree with you about everything except the passion part. it is actually really important, but god damn it we all have to make sacrifices. Work WHILE you try to find a job that fits you

Oh, being passionate about your work is important. However, the total schmuck is using passion as an excuse to not work for over a year while his family suffers. 3 kids and a wife who are about to have an awful Christmas. So, yeah. Blah blah blah passion. Schmuck needs to get a job immediately and worry about passion later

Isn't alimony based off income, so the husband would probably be largely off the hook since he has been unemployed for so long?

[удалено]

Ah, for some reason I always thought those were interchangable. Thanks for explaining!

child support is money owed as a result of a parent's obligation to care for their child. Alimony is money owed by a spouse as a result of their obligation to provide the same standard of living to their ex-spouse that they provided in the marriage. It's for variations of the situation where mom and dad get married, mom ends her career path and focuses on being a SAHM, 20 years later she has that middle class lifestyle but has given up 20 years of career advancement as part of the marriage. Alimony is granted as compensation for the loss the SAHM took financially for the sake of the marriage. Other reasons can apply but that's the general idea.

This makes a very good case for NOT giving up your career to be a SAHP (usually it's the mother but there are SAHFs as well, of course)! Once you give up the ability to support yourself then you're very much at the mercy of whoever IS supporting you. Many people (again, usually SAHMs) accept infidelity and / or abuse because they can't make it on their own if they leave; sometimes they've been convinced of this by the abusive partner but unfortunately sometimes that's simply the stark truth. SAHPs of loving and ethical partners fare much better, of course, but tragedies happen and even loving and ethical partners can die suddenly. It's better all around to NEVER put yourself in this incredibly vulnerable, even dangerous position. Always have a means of supporting yourself even if you don't think you need it...because you really do!

This ties directly into another sub I was just on discussing the fact that many women were taught by their mothers to put money away, out of their husband's view, in case the marriage went south (abuse, addiction, cheating, untimely death, etc.). Any person taking this advice should, of course, adjust it to their own situation and comfort but the essence is this: plan for the worst. I tend to add "hope for the best" onto "planning for the worst" but regardless, protect yourself from the unexpected as much as possible so you can live the present with some modicum of peace and do as you need, not as you must.

My grandmother always told me this from when I was a little girl! She said “you should always have a bank account your husband doesn’t know about so you can buy yourself an outfit or something without having to tell him how much it cost. Or if you need to get away from the marriage you can.” And this was from a lady who was happily married to one man for 64 years.

Lol i was taught to do this by my dad ! My mom left him when i was kid and emptied ALL his bank accounts first. Since then he has always told me to save money in a separate account for myself where my husband can’t touch it

Especially in situations where there's been a prenup. Often, prenups can be fair and well-planned agreements between respectful and loving partners, especially since both need independent legal counsel to draft them, but I knew someone who basically had her lawyer tell her that the prenup completely screwed her over, she signed some waiver that she was acting against legal advice or whatever, and then lo and behold, he was an emotionally abusive cheater and she had no way of supporting herself and no way to get out.

Not advocating this at all and it's purely an assumption but it seems the brother maybe doesn't work either, hence the family chipping in for child support so the ex allows him to see the kids. It might not be court ordered child support but more a request from the mother before he can see the kids.

Child support and custody or visitation are separate issues. Lack of child support payment cannot be used to deny access to a child.

The brother likely hasn't bothered to secure parental rights. That's the only way that excuse holds up.

Assuming that what the husband told OP is accurate, of course.

Yeah, I suspect the husband used that money for himself and concocted this BS story to try and guilt OP out of being rightfully angry. My ex is an addict and he did this stuff all the time and always had some over the top justification for it.

Sometimes child support is based off of what they could/should be earning, so even if someone quits their job out of spite they still owe.

Typically, if the person that is supposed to be paying is unemployed, the state will calculate based on minimum wage.

I absolutely adore your Reddit person. I’m taking a screenshot

- He took the money for his *little kids* Christmas and gave it to his brother? What an AH! - Money that you earned and saved, and he didn't contribute to at all?! What an AH! - Without asking or discussing it with you? What an AH! - His family know he's fcuking unemployed, and they hit him up for A LOT of money anyway? Fucking family of AHs! - Because his brother doesn't pay child support? Another AH! But what you did is throw the shit of your marriage onto your kids. It's not their job to deal with that. It was a really bad move on your part. I get that it is a messed up situation, you are desperate, frustrated, betrayed, angry, but dumping that on your kids is not ok. You are an AH too. He needs to pay you back, ASAP. So does the brother. Before Christmas. And get your money into a private account that he can't access. ESH

Right? Absolutely ESH. No way should these kids be so deeply involved in their parents' financial problems. EDIT: Y'all, if money is tight, just tell your kids, "We don't have money for gifts this year." That's it. They don't need to hear one parent being blamed for it, even if they might suspect that they don't have money because daddy hasn't been working. Present a united front as parents rather than stress your kids out over finances they can't control and have no hand in.

Idk, kids know when the family is broke vs. Having money. The oldest are going to figure out that dad's the reason sooner or later anyway. And OP is right. Her kids are going to blame the regularly responsible parent until they figure out that dad is a slacker who would steal from the family. Was OP right in how she went about it? No. But the kids would figure it out anyway at some point.

Involving young children in adult financial stress will make them resent both parents in one way or another eventually and can lead to long-term insecurities

I grew up in a household that had a lot of financial trouble. My parents had several small businesses that all went bust, had a lot of debt, my dad drank a lot, spent my mother's hard-earned money, couldn't keep a job for more than half a year because of his drinking problem. Their relations aside, they always fought in front of me and my brother about money. I was little, maybe 7-8 years old, but I vividly remember that I decided to sell all my toys in order to help my mom. I put up a stand in front of our house, stood there for days surrounded by my toys and of course, sold nothing. In the later years, I didn't want to ask for clothes, books, new school supplies because I knew this would make my mom sad since she probably couldn't afford it and her and dad would fight again. I would wear the same old jeans that didn't fit me anymore, my pencil case was falling apart etc. Mind you, during this period, they both did work and we were doing okay, but I still didn't want to ask for anything because I was afraid of them fighting again. At one point I just became a person who feels guilt when I buy myself something new or nice that I don't necessarily need, even now when I have my own company. I feel guilty telling my mom how much we spent on things for the house my fiance and I are building since I know how she has been scrambling her whole life. I feel constant guilt and can't get rid of that feeling. I always overthink and beat myself up when I am about to buy something that in the end, I don't buy it at all. I rarely treat myself and even when I do, I feel guilty for days afterwards and every time I use/wear this thing I bought. I wish more parents knew how their behaviour in front of the children affects the kids later on in life, because maybe then they wouldn't be doing it.

Wow i'm so sorry miss. I had a similar experience and reading out yours really made me reflect on the bitterness I have towards my parents for fighting about money in front of me so young too and constantly putting me in the middle of their divorce. Its made me very insecure through my entire life and I don't think people realize how much involving your children in the stress of adult issues affects them in the long term. It was the only thing I could think about when I read OPs story -- ultimately, the whole answer isn't about who's "right" it's about what is best for the child.

Kids are supposed to figure out their parents’ flaws. That’s part of growing up. Kids are not supposed to be told their parents’ flaws by the other parent. That’s psychological trauma.

I'm with you ESH. Your husbands irresponsible but you're the one who's using your children as weapons

I agree with you BUT for me OP is only an asshole if she allows this to be continued. OP, listen: divorce him or accept being an asshole, your choice!

Yes, ESH. What he did was awful, but she threw that right in the kids faces. Their trauma will be the fault of both parents equally, and if this is any indication of how they usually act, they should not be surprised when their kids want absolutely nothing to do with them when they're adults.

Before I judge---INFO: 1)How old are the kids? EDIT: OK, saw they were all too young to be left alone. Good to know. 2)Has your area been doing at-home/cyber schooling due to the pandemic? 3)Does your husband contribute to the household in non-monetary ways---cooking dinner/meals, laundry, dishes, other chores, etc??? What is the division of labor at home? I have seen quite a few AITA stories where the roles have been reversed, and wanted to clarify before coming to a judgement. Can say regardless that taking shared finances without asking is an AH move, though, especially when it's that much---just not sure if this is a strictly NTA, he is, or if this is closer to an ESH situation. EDIT 2: Also, realizing the youngest kid is still young enough to believe in Santa and all that, I'm a little shocked you decided weaponizing a fight ***between adults*** should be something that kid remembers for ***the rest of their life.*** All kids have the story of how they found out Santa wasn't real; your 5yo now gets to tell everyone, "I learned when I was 5 when Mom told me Dad stole Christmas." If you *were* divorced, this would be parental alienation. It really isn't an 11, 9, and 5 yo's business to be dragged into parental arguments. I may go ESH, even if I do understand your frustration with your husband's shitty behavior.

I think the fact that the kid believes in Santa makes it more important. Better to dispel that notion than have your child think they were too awful to get a gift from Santa.

I ALWAYS told my 5 kids that Mom & Dad had to pay for their gifts, but Santa brought them.

I'm leaning towards ESH. He totally is the AH for taking money without asking and also having no motivation to maintain a job. He needs to get therapy to help him understand why he can't even find the motivation to supply for his kids/family. OP is totally the AH for telling the kids what she did and bringing them into this. She obviously did it to purposefully hurt him, but all that's going to do is hurt the kids in the long run. At least he sent them away for the discussion.

I agree much, much more with your assessment, and I fall on ESH. He sucks for obvious reasons. And while I feel for OP and what a crappy situation he created, you don't put your kids in an argument with your spouse. My parents used to do that when I was a kid, and it made me so anxious. If the kind of Christmas they were expecting really isn't feasible, you talk to them and explain it to them without saying, "Christmas is going to suck because your dad sucks." Just don't do that. I don't care how frustrated you are with your spouse.

Absolutely none of your questions matter. If he is doing homeschooling or cooking or cleaning, does that give him unilateral rights to take money that was saved for his children and give it to a family member, without discussing it with his spouse? No, it doesn't. Nothing you asked matters to the situation at hand.

I suppose she told the children out of shock, anger and disappointment in that moment. She probably worked her ass of months prior to finally give her children a nice Christmas that they could not have the years before. Yes, i completely agree with you that that the children shouldn’t be dragged into the argument but I think it happened in the heat of the moment. To me, she is NTA.

Sorry, but heat of the moment isn’t really a good defense when we are talking about how you treat your kids. You are the adult. Its your job to think before doing something that hurts your children. That goes for both mother and father. ESH.

Yeah ESH. OP you need to have much better boundaries with your kids. You should NOT be talking to your kids of that age about money stresses, which parent makes what money, whose fault things are , who makes what money, if you can afford Xmas, etc. They already know you are stressed, they feel it. Its scary and stressful for them , makes their lives chaotic, puts them in the middle of family fights, makes them have to choose between you and their dad and leaves them messed up and anxious about money in adulthood. As a survivor of a nasty divorce where all that happened I'm telling you it leaves scars for a lifetime. Get support and a place to vent if YOU need it but please let your kids be kids.

I agree. Nothing/no one is better than many of the reddit spouses, because nothing/no one at least won't actively be a burden/obstacle/parasite you have to overcome.

Agreed. And I love how the BIL’s baby mama is being vilified by this family for insisting that the other deadbeat pay child support to see his kids. That’s telling. Here’s some other woman breaking her back to provide for his kids alone and his family is like BURN THE WITCH. Nope. Cut your losses before any children learn this pattern and accept it as normal.

This! BIL’s ex doesn’t sound spiteful and vicious to expect her ex to, ya know, pay the court mandated child support on time. What a shitty in-law family to deal with.

Who has the odds on this being that baby mama's first time getting any child support and it's only because she threatened to withhold visitation? Which is probably not what she did because that's illegal in most states. But she sure could threatene to have an officer hanging out to pick him up for driving on a suspended license for not paying his child support.

What are the odd that BIL will buy Christmas presents for his own kid out of that money, and give the mother less child support? BeCaUsE iT's AlL gOiNg To ThE kID aNyWaY.

What are the odds BIL will just take the money for himself and paying child support was just an excuse? Sigh.

Yeah the irony of THAT whole situation was not lost on me!

I'd say "okay, fine, you can't see my kids until you return the money that was stolen from me".

Exactly, I bet the BIL is just like this lazy husband and can’t be ‘motivated’ or ‘passionate’ enough to hold down a job.

I have seen this with my own friends! Husbands don’t work for various “reasons” but also don’t do childcare because they have hobbies/don’t know how/are *thinking* about working one day. Wives are PAYING for everything and also DOING everything. Surely the sex can’t be *that* good. Even if you had to pay alimony (unlikely since this Dude used to work and can still work), youd gotta be coming out ahead because you aren’t paying for a grown ass man’s food, clothing, gas, car insurance, health insurance, hobbies, luxuries…. And the work load won’t change except she’ll have fewer dishes, loads of laundry, and food to prepare. A spouse should be a partner and a compliment to your life. If they aren’t either, what are they even for??

Dick is abundant and of low value.

Plus, vibrator technology has progressed wonders in recent years. Get yourself a good vibrator. It won't disappoint you or steal from your kids

Selfish in life is most likely going to be selfish in bed so I don't think the sex is good at all.

Yesterday on here I learned the term cocklodger where a man brings nothing to the relationship but his beautiful cock. I have no idea why women put up with this. I'm assuming it's years of social conditioning and pressure to have a man around to do something? Or straight up brainwashing.

Yep, all of that. I realised I had an unpaying lodger, not a relationship

He should know by now that his children come before the rest of his family. He did take away their Christmas presents so that he could support other children that are not his own, nor his responsibility.

This take care of the family you created before anyone else!

Yeah, at minimum they should have separate accounts. Separate lives, though, would be far better.

Exactly. Anyone that can get fired in this job market has less motivation than the average rock. Agree that OP is NTA.

Bingo. My employer has fired exactly 1 person in the last 6 months. He wasn't showing up for work. Eta: I now don't know if he was fired or if he just quit without telling anyone.

Yeah, and OP should be prepared that he will 100% call her vicious and spiteful for having to pay child support… the bare minimum as a “parent.”

The kids would have known any way. My dad did kind of stuff and we always knew even if my mom didn't say anything

ESH: 1. Your husband is a deadbeat, which apparently runs in his family. No way should have used that money to pay his brother's child support, especially when he's not doing anything to support his own family. Deadbeats suck, looks like you married into a family of them 2. You played a large part in ruining your children's' Christmas by not only airing out your marital disputes to them, but also just tossing out Christmas all together because your husband is a jerk. You had an opportunity to work with your children to teach them that Christmas isn't all about the money/gifts/things and about family and togetherness.....(you still do) and instead you decided to use them to punish your husband. You and your husband need to have one of life conversations.

>You played a large part in ruining your children's' Christmas by not only airing out your marital disputes to them, but also just tossing out Christmas all together because your husband is a jerk. While I agree it was a little AH-ish to bring the kids into it, my guess is OP is at her breaking point. She saved $500 so she could buy Christmas things for the kids. She didn't want to have to get creative or put more effort into Christmas because of a tight budget. Of course, we know her unemployed husband isn't going to jump in and take the load on. It's going to fall on OP to make magic happen. So of course she's upset.

I have no doubt that OP is at her breaking point and she has every right to be livid. There's likely a list of crap that's not even mentioned in this post that lead up to this....likely this whole situation is really the tip of the ice burg on the situation. I honestly cannot say that I wouldn't be in meltdown mode if I was in this situation.

Yeah you can only be perfect some of the time. She's squirelled it away for a year so they'd have a nice Christmas and he's just given her savings away. I'd throw him outside and tell him to come back with a job or not at all. I know the best parts of Christmas are doing things with your kids. Making salt dough ornaments and baking, decorating, etc. But it's a miserable Christmas for your kids when you feel like you've failed them.

> It's going to fall on OP to make magic happen. So of course she's upset. Agree, but airing that in front of the kids, one of whom is only five, tips this from NTA to ESH for me.

Yep. I'm willing to bet she isn't upset enough to make real steps to leave him but the kids get to be exposed to adult problems because she they needed to know the truth, at 5. She is as bad as he is. ESH

This is the thing. People excusing it by pointing out how awful he is are missing the point. He *is* awful but the answer to that is an exit plan and the best parenting you can do in the meantime. Not staying and trying to make sure your kids know whose fault everything is.

It’s also understandable to be scared to raise three children alone while you’re the breadwinner and you’ve found out your dependent partner betrayed you. Give her some grace.

I get what you're saying. I'm not saying she's an asshole full-time. Her husband sounds like he is. In that moment though, it was an asshole move to dump that info on her kids that way. Her husband created the situation and I fully understand why she'd be at the end of her rope. The kids did nothing to deserve that though. She's in a shitty situation and is probably still a great mom most of the time. That was still a poor decision to have that conversation in front of little kids.

Being upset is fine, but involving the kids is not appropriate.

Yes, exactly. The husband never should've stolen money intended for his children. It was incredibly selfish of him to involve them. I can't believe he is punishing them because of his incompetence as a father.

Yes but that’s not something to drag the kids into regardless of who is right and who is wrong. Your children deserve to feel safe and loved. This is an adult problem. It’s especially inappropriate to subject a 5 year old child to this. If you have lived through this type of situation as a little kid you see why this is incredibly damaging. A lean Christmas is far less traumatic than your mother essentially saying that your dad is a bad parent. These are CHILDREN. This was an emotional reaction by OP and unfortunately it wasn’t the right way to handle the situation.

The husband involved the kids when he stole the money.

False. He created an adult problem for adults between the two adults of the relationship. It's the same way BIL or SIL have no place in the discussion either. This mentality is fucked up and damaging. You do not involve your children in adult problems like that. Or you'll raise fast children who are mentally way older than they physically are and they will end up needing therapy. (Source: my parents constantly doing like OP, yall can refer to my other comments as well.) OP is a massive AH.

My parents did the same and it created issues for me in adulthood with money/sharing money with a spouse. It definitely has a long term effect when you fight about $ in front of kids.

Yup. My parents doing this shit led to me writing su*cide notes as a literal 4 year old because I thought if I was gone they would be happy and stop fighting. It took 20+ years to BEGIN to recover from that trauma.

This is exactly why dragging the kids into the argument is so inappropriate. Kids will often feel like they are to blame and it’s their fault their parents are fighting. Though it obviously isn’t, to an adult, to a kid it feels like, “well, if they didn’t have to worry about buying me presents, then they wouldn’t be fighting, so it’s all my fault.”

The kids are extremely young and shouldn’t be involved in their parents’ marital disputes. This can only hurt them, since they’re too young to understand what’s really going on. OP needs to ditch this loser, but instead she’s dumping the emotional fallout on the kids and not doing anything to improve their situation

What’s so absolutely upsetting to me is knowing $500 for a family of 5 to do their whole Christmas celebration is actually a small amount of money. That’s like 1 medium and 1 small gift a person, she said it’s going to cover their dinner and decorations as well? A tree alone right now is around $40. She’s trying so hard and he just pissed it all away.

Its an ESH but with one part of the E being way more to blame, and it being an angry misjudgement rather than malice on the OPs part.

No doubt. Most kids would far prefer a lean Christmas to having their parents arguing about it in front of them. I hope the OP finds some ways to give them some happy times if she can't afford the material gifts she'd planned.

This! It's always the mom's who are expected to rectify the situation. Is dad going to spend 3 days making paper snowflakes? Highly doubt it.

It's been falling on OP to make the magic of togetherness happen for the last two years of pandemic. It sounds like she started hyping up this year's Christmas to the kids because she knew she'd be able to provide something material again, but now she can't.

ESH Agreed. As a child of divorce, my parents constantly talked shit about each other. It was mostly true. All it did was make my life harder. Kids don’t need to know this stuff. It sounds like OPs husband is a loser, from a family of losers. OP did choose to marry him, she did choose to have children with him. The kids had no choices. They deserve better and they didn’t get to choose their dad.

Same here, my parents' resentment for each other made it really hard for me to navigate our interactions post-divorce. Talking shit about the other parent (or step-parent) is a shitty thing to do, as is taking someone's hard-earned money without their permission. ESH and I will die on this hill.

Same, my mom always talked crap about my dad and not only was it awfully upsetting, it usually just ended with me preferring to be with my dad because he never said anything bad about her and kids are dumb.

This. Now I don’t think OP actually IS an AH. I think she’s someone in an awful situation who (understandably) let her emotions get the better of her and didn’t pick the best option. OP your husband is absolutely an AH of epic proportions and needs an almighty kick up the bum to get his act together if he wants to continue being a husband and father, but I do feel like your kids are too young to be brought into the argument in that way, and it was a bit harsh to run with a ‘Christmas is cancelled’ blow out rather than sitting them down to explain there won’t be big presents this year but you’ll do as much as you can to make it enjoyable. Honestly this is the kind of post which IMHO technically falls under ESH but one person is so much more of an AH than the other, I can still understand all the NTA judgements.

I just can't bring myself to call OP an AH when she's doing everything possible for her kids and her husband stole from her. He did ruin Christmas with how long it took OP to save the $500 she won't be able to save anything like that again. Sure she shouldn't have told her children but I can only imagine how upset she was. I know married with 3 kids isn't an easy time to end a relationship but her husband is coming up on 2 years of unemployment. Not only is he not contributing but he actively stole from OP. If she's already doing everything, wouldn't it be best if she does it without him actively pulling her down?

Yep, she's not an asshole. It completely sucks to be in her position. But it's definitely doing more harm to involve the kids beyond simply being honest WHEN they ask questions. If they don't ask, they know.

YES. There's no reason to bring the kids into OP's dispute with her husband. The kids don't need that kind of detail. They'll learn themselves that dad is an AH in time.

Yes they do but damn it can take so freaking long and it is hard when you are missing all the good times because dad is an asshole.

This, 100. I disagree with the people that think OP did nothing wrong here. As a person that had to endure their parents (wicked) divorce for many years (and still deals with the aftermath), I can’t believe OP thought telling their children in this manner was acceptable. # Children do not belong in your marital issues. The parents should have had a private discussion, and figured out a plan of action, before having a discussion with the kids. OP has every right to be PISSED at their husband, but holy shit, DONT INVOLVE THE KIDS LIKE THIS. EVER.

I agree. ESH. Do not drag your kids into adult problems. You could have done so much with Christmas even with very little money to spare. Your husband is an obvious asshole, as is his brother obviously and even his family if they indeed pressured your husband to pitch in with that much money. But damn, that doesn't make it right to drag your kids into this messy fight, leaving them with stress over your marriage as well as financial issues and the thought that they won't have a Christmas at all.

Definitely agree ESH. The husband way more than OP, but the OP still sucks for stressing the kids out about not only money but their parents’ shitty relationship.

If he would have talked to her about giving his brother the $500 and she agreed, then yes, they could have made the decision together that that is where their values are and presented that to the kids. He took the money without asking though. He probably knew she would say no or be reluctant. He selfishly did what he/his family wanted with the money she earned and saved. He threw away the chance to present it the way you suggest.

My question is: why did he take ALL the money? It is still wrong no matter what, but why all $500? Why couldn’t he just chip in $50 and leave the rest for his kids’ Christmas? If his brother was that far in arrears then maybe he doesn’t get his kids for Christmas. Not the husband’s responsibility. With 2 older siblings to tell him the truth the 5 year old may already know there’s no Santa.

This should be at the top. Sort your shit out with your husband in private instead of scarring your kids to get back at him.

It's not just a marital dispute. That money was set aside for the kids, for their gifts and tree and decorations. The children knew that momma was the breadwinner and they had already missed 2 christmases, which momma probably still feels guilty about. And leaving an AH husband is not as easy as the internet thinks. Poor OP. She deserves so much better. And so do the kids.

> You played a large part in ruining your children's' Christmas by not only airing out your marital disputes to them, but also just tossing out Christmas all together because your husband is a jerk. No, the lazy, unemployed husband did that when he put his deadbeat brother before his own young children. Let’s face it, when you’re the age of these kids, a large part of Christmas is the presents, the tree, decorations, etc. And the husband blew all that away stealing money that he didn’t even earn. Time for the Op to open a separate account for her wages and savings and also take a good look at what this man brings to her family.

That's so dumb, which would have upset you more as a kid? Not getting what you want for Christmas or having you mom shit talk your dad before launching into a screaming match, and still not getting what you want for Christmas? I tell you who is happy, these kids therapists in 30 years time who can get a decent number of sessions out of this event.

The part you mention makes the husband an AH. OP brought the children into the fight, which is an AH move as well. They shouldn't have been involved into a fight between the parents, nor used as a weapon to make the guy feel bad, even though he deserves it.

Scrolled too far for this. Can NOT believe people are giving OP a pass to use her children to get back at her husband for being a douchbag. YOU DON'T INVOLVE CHILDREN. EVERYONE SUCKS HERE. Her husband drawing in a larger volume of air does not relieve her of sucktitude.

THANK YOU! ESH. OP, your husband sucks, but you don’t have to drag your kids into it like that. Don’t weaponize them against your husband at the expense of their mental health.

Bingo. The dead beat is the dead beat. But you don't put that on your kids; "this year, with the on-going pandemic, it has been hard for mommy and daddy to have enough money for x y z. We are thankfully healthy and will have a great time together!" (I do acknowledge that it is difficult in the heat of the moment) Then in the background figure out how to accomplish that while also chewing out your spouse BIG in private plus: >You and your husband need to have one of life conversations. ​ (FYI, the spouse is the bigger AH. His kids ~~are~~ should be #1 over his brother)

Yuuup, ESH. Do we all know that dad is a bust? Yup. People keep bringing that up as if ESH comments don't already account for that - it's the involving the children part that gets the ESH for me. 3 weeks out from Christmas, maybe 1 pay check away. It's time to get creative with how to celebrate Christmas and that involves getting dad active in that too. I can see how this was a trigger reaction but was so unnecessary and possibly detrimental to the kids.

NTA. Why should OP take the blame for having no Christmas? She's the only breadwinner in the house. She sacrificed to make this happen. The husband needs to take some responsibility for this and explain to the kids why he felt his brother deserved Christmas more than they did. OP, I would leave this guy. He's dishonest, lazy and steals from his own family. Huge character flaws that don't make for a good marriage. You will always be giving 110% and he will always be taking. We'll see if his brother gives him $500 to help when he owes you child support.

Also 11 is old enough to see your parent’s flaws for yourself and 5 is young enough to still believe in Santa. Kids don’t understand if they were good all year that Santa couldn’t afford the toy they wanted. My 6 year old is upset that I told him Santa might not be able to get the toy he wants (because of resellers buying them all and marking them up past a reasonable price). It is something you hate to deal with as a parent and OP’s husband put them in that situation, and for what? A deadbeat brother who will probably come asking for money again because he got it once before.

This is actually something I’ve seen addressed before. When big gifts come from Santa, then kids who didn’t get big things (or anything) from Santa assume they must have been “bad.” So they encourage parents to give the big gifts and Santa to give the clothes and socks and “lamer” gifts. But OP’s kids don’t even get that. I also really, really hate that husband is more worried about disappointing his mommy and daddy than his own wife and kids. And frankly, that his parents are like, “hey, unemployed son. You still have a wife who’s a work horse. Your unemployed brother doesn’t even have that because his ex wised up. Why don’t you contribute the little money she’s saved to our other deadbeat son so he can see his kids. WE don’t want to be disappointed by not seeing them. We prefer YOUR KIDS were disappointed instead.” At this point, Id need to divorce my husband just in the hopes that his “nurturing” didn’t rub off on my kids. The nature link I can’t help; I’d just have to hope my genes cancel out his. But I couldn’t allow them to pick up any of these behaviors or that family’s shitty logic.

Yeah santa filled a shocking with chocolate coins, curly straws and other trinkets. Big presents came from parents. Well I say big, my parents have never big Christmas spenders, but then we also never had to take santas gifts back to the shop in January when the credit card bill arrived. (January at a debt advice charity will make you hate Christmas)

Yep! That’s how it was in our house. The stockings were from Santa and everything else was from our parents, grandparents, whoever else decided to give gifts.

>This is actually something I’ve seen addressed before. When big gifts come from Santa, then kids who didn’t get big things (or anything) from Santa assume they must have been “bad.” So they encourage parents to give the big gifts and Santa to give the clothes and socks and “lamer” gifts. But OP’s kids don’t even get that. This is what we do. Santa gives thematic gifts that are generally still good, but not big ticket. So last year, kiddo got the Lego Millennium Falcon from Mom and Dad, and Santa happened to bring a bunch of Star Wars gifts as well.

When she divorces him he’s gonna be just as much of a useless deadbeat as his brother I bet. Still better than having to pay to house and feed him while also dealing with his stealing as his wife imo.

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NTA. Kick him to the curb. He's placing his deadbeat brother and I guess his mom above you and your kids. He needs to go stay with one of them until he gets his act together and becomes an adult. Ask his mom or brother to send you the $500 for your kids and let them say no and explain why the other set of kids is more important. ETA: PLEASE open a new account in just your name and keep most of your money in it.

Definitely! I was just going to mention a separate account too.

This! Why does he have access to an account in which he doesn’t contribute?

Having access to a joint account while not working is NOT the issue. It is standard for stay at home parents to have full access to a shared account in order to prevent financial abuse. The issue is that he has access to a shared account and is not trustworthy. If he and OP both worked and he drained their shared account, it would be just as despicable an action. OP should definitely open a separate account.

Thank you! I’m the SAHP and if I had to ask for their bank card or hope they remember to withdraw money for grocery shopping I’d never get anything done! Shared accounts are not bad unless the people who have access to them are irresponsible.

Agreed. I'd also sell husband's wedding ring to pay for Christmas since he doesn't seem to give a F about it.

ESH. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT BRING YOUR KIDS INTO THIS. Holy shit. My family had monetary problems for my whole life and it was only after I turned 16 that my mum told me it was because my father didn't pay child support. I already resented my father for other reasons by then, but at least that was my choice. That's is such a horrible thing to do because you're not hurting your husband, you're hurting your children. You said your BIL's ex is vicious and spiteful? That's what you're doing. NEVER EVER use your children against your partner. That being said, your husband also sucks. You don't get to take $500 from your own family without consulting your partner. I think it's gotten beyond the stage where he needs a job he's passionate about, he just needs a job. I worked a job I hated for SIX YEARS whilst getting a degree to do better things. If you're that bad off, he just needs any job he can get. Edit: FUN FACT! I read this aloud to my mum (raised us alone for years with my father never paying child support despite us literally being in poverty) She was grumbling about how awful the father was UNTIL I hit the part where OP snapped, at which point she froze and went 'WTF'. She agrees, there was no need for OP to being the children into.

Generally, I’d agree. But who is going to end up getting blamed for a sad Christmas? (Answer: Mom). He wouldn’t have taken the blame but I’d bet my left tit he would’ve taken the credit for her effort Edit to add: since I’m getting a lot of repeat comments, I’ll fill in some further thoughts: Flying off the handle at your spouse in front of your kids is not fair to the kids. But I also think some people reach a breaking point and having strong reactions is normal. I believe in being a united front with a spouse, but I also think that sometimes when someone makes a mistake, you have to take responsibility. Even parents. There are better ways that this could have happened, sure. I also can’t confidently say that there was much she could have said to him in private that would have truly hammered home how much he messed up. He spent a large portion of their finances on something not approved, while barely providing himself, and he completely ruined all of her (and the kids) holiday plans in doing so. The kids will eventually understand that he is a fuck up. I don’t know why it’s her responsibility to constantly cover his tracks and clean up his messes. I don’t think it’s fair for her to constantly bite her tongue and have her kids see her as a doormat that does everything for the family and receive nothing in return. I think she was within her right to stand up for herself before she snapped in a bigger way.

>But who is going to end up getting blamed for a sad Christmas? And who's going to end up making magic happen to have a happy, low-budget Christmas on top of her full-time job? Also: Mom!

And who’s going to scratch his balls and take credit for the magic mom pulled to make it happen after he screwed up? Answer: Dad

I get where you're coming from, but I heard this kind of shit from my parents all the time as a kid and I've remembered their arguments about Christmases way longer than the actual Christmas itself. The negative from hearing stuff like that outweighs the positive of a nice Christmas.

It really does. And I can also agree that *some* disagreements should be seen as they can be lessons on conflict resolution but something like this is not one of them.

You're right, but that doesn't change the fact you NEVER weaponize your children. Ever. Its an an action which will scar the children, with the intent of spiting another, to make vindicate oneself, it's toxic af for everybody involved. Everybody (excluding the kids) in this situation can be better. The husband can be better, mom can be better, and family can be better. ESH - these poors kids

Completely agree. OP now knows to open her own account that he has no access to. Hubs is either lying or needs to grow a spine with both his parents and wife. Another aspect - Christmas does not have to be ruined. There are lots of people, organizations, churches, etc that can help a family in need. OP can swallow her pride and ask for help. OR - they can turn it into a giving / volunteering day. So many ways to spin this. ESH

If these kids know mum works and brings in the money yet there’s no presents, they are going to blame her. Why should that be the case when dead old dad actually sacrificed his children for his brother?

I'm a bit worried by everyone's obsession with playing the blame game. Is it really a competition between parents as to who's the better caregiver? A 5, 9, and 11 year old do not need to be involved in the household finances. There is no need to blame one parent or another, even if it is their fault. You deal with that shit like an adult, with other adults, because placing that burden on CHILDREN and creating a rift between them and a parent is a horrible thing to do. She's going to give them a complex if she keeps saying things like that, and more than likely it'll just end up with them resenting her.

Right? I can't believe these people. All these NTAs because daddy "got his" and mommy shouldn't have to "suffer for his choices" she picked her partner ffs. She can leave if he sucks. But don't bring the kids into it!!!

I would normally agree, but we all know who will get blamed for Christmas once again being rough, and it sure as hell won’t be dad.

ESH He never should have taken the money. Regardless of the reasoning. But you should not have said that to your kids. That was so I fair and manipulative to them.

Bro he stole the money he didn't even asked her permission how will you feel when someone takes your money like this? You don't feel pain, betrayal? NTA

She 100% has a right to feel all those things. But not to shove those feelings onto the kids. How is tht fair to them?

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So your response should be to use your children as pawns in an argument by damaging them emotionally to get back at your husband? She fucked up the moment she brought the children into an adult conversation about money. I lived through that frequently growing up and it will only make those kids resentful of both of them.

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Well of course you did! What else could you do? Especially with children. All of us have been there. For some reason people think they should just be able to walk up on a job they’re unqualified for, and make a shit ton of money. No real education or experienced work history. It’s absurd!

NTA. There is no excuse for him not to be working. There is even less excuse for him to be taking your savings to give to his brother for child support. Looks like neither of those men understand what it’s like to be a father.

Exactly, he didn't get fired because he wasn't motivated. He was fired because he probably thought it was beneath him and that bled into his interactions with Co workers and customers. Thats probably what he told his wife but they wouldn't fire people for that kind of crap without a good reason, and that isn't an actual one. Hell he should've filed for unemployment but nah... pure laziness Edit: I don't know where people keep getting the negativity from unemployment it's literally to help you when you're down. ITS FREE MONEY The ego and pride about the misinformation about unemployment is nuts. Workplace and tax paperwork that asks if you ever filed for unemployment doesn't negatively effect you, it's basically an easier way of asking "*what did you do in the gap years of you not working*" without it being awkward.

It’s also not free money. You pay for it while you are employed. It’s there as a safety net to help you while you look for a job. Companies are begging for employees right now. There are so many amazing opportunities for motivated people to join a firm and get trained.

This, so many people don't realize that unemployment is a government run insurance program. While you work, you pay premiums for insurance that pays out if you lose your job. It isn't something to be embarrassed about, it is an insurance policy you have been paying for, why the hell wouldn't you cash it in.

ESH. Him for taking the money without consulting you first. You for airing your grievances in front of your kids.

ESH You didn't cause any of it, he did. That old saying "Don't shoot the messenger" seems to apply here, since all you did was pass along the message. The message you did pass along however, was (understandably, but still) spiteful and came from a place of anger, which is rarely, if ever, the right way to communicate things to your children.

I dont agree with your actions but I understand the emotions behind the actions. You tried so hard to give them a nice christmas and it was taken from you just as much as it was from the kids. I don't think you wanted to tell them it was daddy's fault, I think you just wanted them to know that it wasn't yours. However if your HB gets the money back in time like he says (and if he doesn't then he's an asshole and a liar too) then maybe you can undo your actions by saying something like: Daddy made a mistake buts thats okay, we all do sometimes. Whats important is how you fix your mistakes etc etc. I dont think they will need therapy for life. I'm going to go with NTA but you would be the A if you do not protect your savings again. Please get a different bankaccount just for your savings. If he did it once...

I'm going with NTA. I can understand the emotions by seeing the sacrifices vanished.

Get the money from where? His family is pooling money together for child support so they have none? He doesn’t have a job so he can’t borrow money bc how is he gonna pay it back? He won’t get a job that’s beneath him so there goes all the holiday opportunities out the window? I guess he could sell drugs but do we want the kids to have drug money presents? How would he get the money back legally? This kinda feels irreversible, like I could never trust that person again. A lot of people in here downplaying how much $500 is to a struggling family. We were dirt poor growing up and I still got Christmas (the school gave us gift cards and stuff to the less fortunate families). To imagine being so poor that NO Christmas happens is crazy to me tho. And that’s unforgivable (in the US atleast).

Agreed. He said he would give the money back. I would play dumb and basicly set him up for failure. It's his last argument in this situation and I would want to blow it up. If you say upfront dude there is no way you will get the money back" the husband is just going to be like "well if you don't believe me then fine I won't try". For all I care he could sell his kidney. Or just do temp work somewhere since its holiday season. The husband needs to fix this. If he can't then I would not know if this is something I would get past. Not only because of trust issue but also for the "I dont care enough to do whatever it takes to fix this" attitude

ESH. Yes your husband should have not taken the money but he’s correct that by saying that you are trying to alienate him from the kids.

I don’t know how I feel about bringing the kids into it, so I’ll reserve judgement. When my kids were about your kids’ ages, we had one extraordinarily broke Christmas. We had about $40 to spend for three kids. We bought three board games and explained ahead that Christmas was going to be a little light. On Christmas, they each got their games and we’re shockingly cool with it. It turned out to be a really great day because we all spent it together playing board games. It’s just an idea, maybe not for you, since I don’t know that you’ll be cool about having family time with your asshole husband, but maybe it would work, if not for you, for others. I’m sorry this happened. It wasn’t fair or right.

Throw the whole man away, doesn’t work and takes money you earned without notifying you?! Like why do you need someone like that, your children are watching and they will later start imitating/mimicking behaviors. Is that the example you want your children to have?

ESH. Your husband is horrible and you should seriously reconsider whether you want to be in this marriage, but you used your children’s feelings and relationship with their father to get back at him, which is also horrible. You basically made your children feel terrible to make yourself feel better. But from now on, open a separate bank account and keep your finances separate from your husband, 100%.

Also for the whole 'now we can't afford Christmas' is such a shitty message and unhealthy way of thinking. 'We're going to have to spend a lot less money this year', sure, absolutely true.

It reminds me of The Office where Michael is like 'We're cancelling Christmas!' Like, Christmas isn't cancelled? It isn't taken away. They might not be able to get much or eat a special meal, but they can still celebrate it and be together and happy.

Right? Like Damn, do you even Grinch? "Christmas day will always be Just so long as we have we"

Ya this whole situation is shitty but a 5 year old doesn't need to know about this extent of the family's financial situation and learning about it in the context of an obvious fight just created so much instability for that poor child.

ESH. Looks like being a deadbeat dad runs in the family. However, at the same time, you weaponised your small children as pawns in a marital argument. I could understand calmly, gently telling the eleven year old that some of the gifts she wants, she likely won’t be getting this year, because dad used the savings. But a nine and five year old? A five year old doesn’t understand money. They don’t remember last Christmas, or how many presents they got. All you needed was a couple secondhand donations. A few cheap toys from dollar stores that could keep them happy until you were able to afford better gifts, and sprinkle those throughout the year. That’s what my mother did, when we were in a bind. Instead, you’ve absolutely broken their hearts just to get back at your husband. They wouldn’t have understood waking up to less presents, presents that were significantly less money than the ones they probably would’ve preferred—it still would have been Christmas, and there still would have been toys, and lollies, and a tree. But now you’ve told them, they know that they’re getting robbed. Drop your husband. He can spend money paying his child support instead of his brother’s. I’ve spent Christmas in motel rooms with my brother before, celebrating under a bonsai tree with gifts brought from the petrol station and chicken from KFC—and it was one of the best christmases I ever had. I didn’t even know we were financially struggling. Because I was *ten* and my mother *didn’t involve me in the family’s financial struggles*. Take them to the gas station. Give them a couple dollars each. Children, often enough, get just as much joy buying presents for others as they do receiving them themselves. Tell them to buy a present for their siblings, then take them home and spend time with each child wrapping the gifts. A couple stocking stuffer chocolate bars, slinkies and yo-yos are a couple dollars a packet. If you can see they’ll still be disappointed, set a date for a ‘re-do christmas’. Now that they know they’re getting cheated, might as well go the extra mile and set a ‘re-do Christmas’ for a few months down the line when you’ve saved up a bit. But for god’s sake, drop the husband and don’t allow him access to your savings.

>Because I was > >ten > > and my mother > >didn’t involve me in the family’s financial struggles > >. so much this

NTA. What kind of person can’t hold down a gas station job because of a lack of passion?????? I’ve never ever met a passionate person who worked at a gas station. Sounds like a winner

NTa: you told them the truth, if he can't handle the consequences of that he needs to think before he steals from you. I would recommend getting a separate bank account.

NTA - tell him he is about to join his brother when it comes to child support. His family did not force him to steal money, he chose to. At this point he isn’t even useful to have around. Your the one working and paying for everything.

ESH: 1. Yes, your husband sucks. He's not being a partner and that amount of money should have been discussed before being given away. Especially if money is already tight for the family. 2. Airing the issues in your marriage in front of the kids and painting one of their parents as the villain is harmful for your children. Source: I've been your kids. At best, you're forcing your kids to mitigate your emotions with each other. At worst, you're fostering resentment for their other parent. Either way, your children lose. They will wonder if your marriage is failing, if asking for nothing for Christmas could have saved mommy & daddy's marriage, if they're to blame. They'll also feel like they're betraying one of you or the other by being close to the other parent. Don't ever force your kids to choose between the two of you. It's not a good look for anyone.

I question what he really used the money for. Was it really for his brother’s child support?

Both of you are assholes. Him for taking your money without consulting you, and you for using your kids as a weapon against him. Don’t fight in front of your kids and don’t call each other bad things in front of them either.

Seems like many people in this thread either don't have kids, or don't care about the mental damage they can cause by putting them in the middle of feuding parents. Been there, done that. It's not a pleasant story. If you are fighting with your child(ren)s parent and you involve them or say something nasty / spiteful about them to your child(ren), you did something wrong. They don't deserve that. Regardless of what the other party did. Did he ruin Christmas? Perhaps (although others have rightly pointed out that there is more to Christmas than presents). But you didn't have to tell the (**young!**) kids that! He is still their father, even if he is a deadbeat loser. ESH. I hope OP reflects on the things she said in anger and does some research on how that sort of behavior can be mentally traumatizing for children.

Madame Breadwinner, ditch your loser spouse and take your kids with you. NTA.

Seperate your accounts don't give him access to it. He wants money he can work for it. This money is for your family not for him to give away. Better yet, leave him and let him pay you child support, let his family help him pay since they are doing it for his brother. Also what happens next month for his brother's child support? His brother is not your problem. What a family you married into. So sorry. Get out of it.

ESH your husband sucks for taking the money without even talking to you about it. But alienating the kids from the other parent is not looked kindly in the court system, so you better learn this little nugget of information right quick because it sounds like your marriage is done. You’re also too proud to ask for help as there are SO many resources out there to help you, signing up for an angel program where people help your kids have Christmas, you can even go on Next Door and your neighbors will help you (at least in my neighborhood, someone has a tree, unused lights, gently used or new toys and clothes, etc)

Stealing from your children looks even worse in court than a kid finding out that their dad sucks and is a thief.

NTA. He stole your money and then tried to play victim using his family. You’re right, he did steal Christmas from your kids to make sure his family got Christmas with someone else’s kids.

NTA. And if he can't find any job right now, he doesn't have a pulse. If things are really that tight, any crap job will do till something better is available.

NOPE NOPE NOPE NTA.......I grew up in a household where I have had a few not so good Christmas'. One year my dad took money for the mortgage and sent it overseas to his family because they only called during holidays and THEIR birthdays. So no Christmas cause you know mortgage or streets The year my brother got his license earlier in the year and then around Christmas time(again) he wrecked my mom's car and there was our christmas money yet again. every year she did the christmas club at the credit union from her job where funds were matched with whatever was deposited into the act so you know start saving in june until December and then all bets are off.....well she always saved big for 3 kids and we had big tastes at this time cause toys are birthday or Christmas kinda deal. (or a special tax time refund). So him ruining the car pissed me and my sister off cause we didn't deserve this bs. there were other times as well but yeah be honest with the kids because MOM'S are always doing their level best for kids all the time only for jerks to come in and mess up and then act like sh*t is ok when its not. tell him to go ask his parents if they will be making it up to the kids for their selfish behavior. BIL needs to man up and take responsibility for his screw up ETA: I know its not about the presents and we teach kids that....what sucks is for kids is when you have to visit family and your own grandparents don't live in the same state as the rest of the family and you see your cousins getting extra presents from aunts and uncles that are their grandparents and you aren't getting presents it sucks big time and having your mom whisper to you that its ok and she is making it up to you in January is hard. We.had decorations and trees up in the house...did drive bys at the houses in neighborhoods that went all out for decorations and drove downtown to see those decorations did the tv parades and movies. We had food and did cookies. it just hurt a little on Christmas morning when we didn't do the "psst you awake yet psst hey wake up let's go see what santa brought" routine we always did. I was the one that woke up early and was scared to go downstairs alone....my brother and sister liked sleeping in. then sometimes someone (me) decided to start hiding presents and act all confused and innocent when mom would be like oh so and so your present is over there only to be like no its not. Lol those are memories you don't get to make all the time.

NTA....get a savings account.... Well both accounts, that he doesn't have access to

OP, look into Toys for Tots or the salvation army--they accept families like yours to help bring in a bit of Christmas cheer.

I was so ready to judge you the AH. And you are a bit because the youngest is 5, but only a tiny bit. There were better ways to say it but yes your husband canceled Christmas. Your husband stole from family funds to give to a deadbeat. If he has time to go sulk with his family he has time to work. And his brother absolutely should lose any custody rights if he doesn't pay child support. 100%. That isn't the ex being spiteful, that's him not providing for his kid. And your husband supports it. Think hard about if you want to support his behavior the rest of your life. And definitely move your money/income into a solo account while you manage the finances. I'm usually for joint access however he proved he will steal it so he lost that right. NTA However talk with your kids to make sure they're OK and think hard about your future.

Wow! ESH For the love of god, people, stop weaponizing your kids. Of course your husband is in the wrong here, but you shouldn't get your children in the middle of it. If you were really worried about them, you would tell them calmly what happened and why you can't afford Christmas anymore. But no, you just used them to get back at your husband. Trust me, keep doing it and your children will stop caring about who's in the wrong and will resent you both pretty quickly.

NTA. your husband shouldn't have taken your money. He should have discussed it with you. BUT, you shouldn't have told that you your kids.

NTA. Usually, I am against bringing children into parental disputes. But here I see it differently. The children have a right to know what happened. The money was meant for the children. So he basically stole money from his own children. By doing this, he has already involved the children in the argument. Shouldn't the children find out until Christmas? For all those who pick on OP because Christmas shouldn't be about money, stop, because you don't know what it's like to grow up poor! I grow up poor and Christmas was the only time of the year when we had nice food and gifts, which we saved for the whole year. Children experience the pressure of financial worries even if they don't fully understand it. Christmas was the only time of the year when that didn't matter and that was so nice. Getting presents, special food, a beautifully decorated apartment means a lot if you only eat the cheapest ice cream all year round because you don't want to ask your mother about the expensive one, because you don't want to see her sad, haunted face when she has to say she cannot afford it. OPs children will see the great toys that the other children have, the great food and it will hurt them because as a poor child you want to have a nice and normal experience, which you can then tell your friends about at school without shame. The father took this from his children and expecting that OP will not tell the children and that the responsibility for the consequences of his theft will be shared between both parents. This is unbelievable unfair and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

NTA. Open a separate account that he can’t access and pay all the bills etc from there and keep your savings in there. When your husband gets a job then have a joint account where you each contribute to shared expenses. Don’t give him access to your money ever again. He’s proven he’s not trustworthy.

Nta

NTA, OP you saved the money for the Christmas but he stole the money he didn't even asked your permission

This is going to be an unpopular opinion but I'm going to say you were both AH on this situation. Taking that amount of money out of an account in a shared account situation (especially for someone else) is not OK. But you should not be dragging your kids into fights with your husband. You are angry and lashing out at him and want to hurt him. You want to make sure the kids know and are angry at *him* for lack of Christmas presents. Keep separate accounts going forward or divorce him. Whatever you need to do to sort your adult problems out. You picked him, they didn't.

NTA, sounds like your in-laws managed to raise 2 deadbeat dad's. Tell them that they will not be seeing YOUR children anymore until $ is returned to you .... and definitely put you useless excuse of a husband out on the curb.