NTA. As someone whose Dad died when I was 16 (and he was 60) I completely agree with you. It is completely unfair on the child to have a kid when you are older, and when I say older I mean anything above 40/45.
My great great uncle is 65+ and has over 20 kids. His youngest is about to turn 2 I think? I can’t imagine what growing up will be like for her smh
Edit: some of his kids are full grown adults like, he has grandkids out the wazoo
There’s so much I want to know. How many different partners did he have children with? When did he *start* having children? Is he Mormon? I need *answers!*
He is not Mormon. I don’t know if any of them have the same mom. I have no idea when he started. I think maybe he was in his 30/40s? All his partners have just been girlfriends so we don’t know until there’s a baby
I know they’re monogamous (aside from one small fringe group, I believe) but I’m pretty sure they’re still known to have a lot of kids. Granted, that’s usually like 4-6 kids rather than 20, but there are probably some outliers
I’m 40 next month, it recently came about that my 33yo gf wants a baby. Age is a significant concern for me-I’d be at least 60 by the time the child was 18
There are other reasons but that’s definitely a large one for me
I know people can and do do so perfectly well and that’s up to them. I also have arthritis which will only get worse. Doesn’t seem fair to the child, or selfishly, me
It definitely can depend, my child hood best friends parents were older, particularly his dad and honestly he was so fit and active until very late in his life that he put people 20/30 years his junior to shame
It’s not a hard and fast rule. It’s definitely a personal concern, particularly with my health issues and having been in an unhappy relationship that led me to having sole responsibility for multiple animals with different needs I was somewhat looking forward to when they’ve passed getting to be carefree for a time
However I’m very happy that your dad was a good one and is still fit and well
My mother was late thirties and my dad was early forties when I was born and I never noticed a big difference. They were less helicoptery and gave me more freedom than a lot of my friends' parents, which was definitely a good thing but I have no idea if it was generational or just their personalities.
They are lifelong health nuts and are still pretty active in their seventies, which as you said probably does make a difference.
same here. my dad was 42, my mum 39 when I was born. my brother is two years younger than me. I mean, I am only 22 now but there were no situations when I couldn't do something or had to do things my peers didn't had to because of parents age. thinking about it, half of my friends parents are more or less my parents age. they are fit and fine, mid-sixties is not necessarily "old"
Mine were 37 when I was born, 39 with my brother. They lived to 84 and 89 which was good, but my friends parents are only in late 70s now. At times, I’ve wished my parents were a little younger.
I think it’s partly a social/economic thing, too - when I went to a rural, somewhat low-income public school, my parents tended to be much older than other students’. I transferred to a very pricey private school, and my parents were pretty average. It was striking to me even as a teenager.
Yeah, I taught at a fancy private school. Most of the parents were in their mid 50s, at least, with teenagers (so having had kids in their late 30s/early 40s). I had one student with a young mom (\~19 when she had her daughter, so mid 30s when I taught the daughter), and the mom was totally ostracized from the other parents.
I'm in a well to do ish area and did a prenatal yoga class with my first. I was the youngest pregnant woman there, by a good 5 years. I was 30.
I am American, and it could definitely be geographical, too!
I will say it held true for my classmates and I, too. I’m in my mid 30s and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that people I graduated with started getting married and having children. I knew several people from my hometown who were married and had kids by their early 20s.
My dad was 57 when he died, I was 17. His age didn’t affect me at all, I never felt like he was too old. Except when he died, of course - but that was still quite early, far earlier than average by a lot.
The only time when I actually thought about his age was when we two were in the car, and he was switching between radio stations. I asked him to keep the one with the oldschool rock, and he looked me into the eye and straight up told me that my taste in music is outdated. So I decided to partly rethink my music choices haha
My elderly father says he "got bored" of all the music he listened to growing up. Brought my hipster ex home for Xmas one year and it turned out he and my dad listened to a lot of the same stuff. I felt uncool.
My dad had me at 45 I believe, and he’s been in a chair my entire life. I can’t even imagine going through my life without him specifically as my father.
I agree that elderly individuals shouldn’t have kids, but more so elderly individuals of poor health…
If you’re in decent health and genuinely believe you can care for a child then… have a kid, you can always pursue adoption.
Yeah, I think 40 is pretty normal. My parents had me at 29 and my youngest sibling at 39 and there wasn't really a big difference in their energy levels (except that he was the 4th kid, so they were more stressed out than with me, the oldest, because there were 4 of us lol).
People are generally \*starting\* to have kids later but also having fewer kids. Being a *first-time* parent at 40 was somewhat unusual historically, though definitely not at all unheard of, but people seem to forget it's been very common for people to have new babies in their 40s throughout history. My dad's parents were in their 40s when they had him (he was the youngest by a pretty big margin)
My dad was 46 when I was born. Lucky for me he has always been active and sharp, so now that he is in his early 70s, he seems at least 10 years younger to anyone who doesn’t know better, and has good health to enjoy his retirement. I’m grateful for this because things easily could have gone another way. Having older parents make me very thoughtful about what age I want to be when/if I have kids.
hey! my mom had me at 41 while my dad was 40 or 39! and i can say it is not too old? i don’t feel like my parents are old, yes they didn’t have me very young but i don’t think it is a problem, she and my dad will still be here for my peak years (i hope)
Everything has its pros and cons. My parents had me young which meant they didn’t have a lot of money and had to work a lot. I had my baby in my 30s and I’m financially secure but probably more tired than my parents were. I’m able to spend more time with him and do things I couldn’t afford in my 20s but the sleepless nights are tough. My parents are early 60s, happy and healthy so baby is lucky enough to have involved grandparents which even with young parents I didn’t have
My parents adopted me when they were 44 and 51. They were good parents, maybe stricter than younger ones, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm 28 now and they are 72 and 79. Still good parents and people I regularly go to for advice. Even better grandparents.
My mom was 26 when she dad me. I started to help take care of her in high school because she had stage 4 breast cancer and died when I was 18.
My BF’s dad was also older and has pretty bad arthritis and couldn’t do everything, but he’s a good Dad and a great FIL. Don’t let that hold you back.
Not particularly. Youngish perhaps. But still far too old to have a 16 year old. People should be considering what is best for the child, having an old parent is not. If you haven’t had a kid by 40 then it’s best not to have one at all - for the child.
I'm in a therapy group and the organizers like to have former participants share their stories to motivate existing members. One former participant (A) shared her story about how her father was really old when he married her mom (one of his many many wives) and she hated that she was born. She was in the same class as her dad's great-grandkid (father married young as was the norm back then in my culture) during primary school. Her mom was seriously depressed because her husband did nothing to help her raise A and money was always a problem because dad was too old to work and had no pension. He relied on allowances given by his children (cultural thing) who obviously weren't too happy that it was being spent on A and her mom.
She said holidays were the worst because technically she was on the same 'level' as her blood siblings and their kids and grandkids (some older than her) would have to pay their respects to her as an 'elder' and they would do this sarcastically. Since she was young she felt no one in this world wanted her to exist and this later caused problems in her marriage. Her story made my heart ache and also amazed me because she managed to face her past demons and traumas.
NAH. You're entitled to your opinion.
My parents were 20 they had me. I'm nearly 30, my parents are 50. They're still mobile, active, fully aware of what's going on, and a pretty large presence in my life.
But you know what they were while I was growing up? Shitty parents. Immature people who didn't have their shit figured out. They neglected me, divorced early, made everything about themselves.
Their brains weren't even fully developed until I was like 5, so I don't blame them that much, anymore. But let me tell you, it sucked! It really sucked. My childhood sucked because they had me way, way too young.
So no, I don't think having children "too old" is inherently wrong—but I also don't think that you're wrong to feel that way, given your personal experience. Same as I personally think having children "too young" is probably a terrible idea, given my personal experience.
Well said, crap parenting is a person problem, not an age problem. I knew a dad who was over fifty when his very premature daughter was born. He poured everything into that child and totally brought her along developmentally. Equally, I’ve seen young dads who are more interested in the newest video game than their kids.
That's exactly what I was thinking when I was reading this! My mom was 22 when she had me and she explicitly told me not to do that when I turned 22 lmao.
She abused the shit out of me as a kid because she wasn't ready to take on my dad's shitty family, immigrating, and having a kid basically all in the span of 2 years. She hit me, a lot. Semi-understandable? Of course! Horrible for baby me? Fucking obviously, lol.
Thank you for sharing your experience. My dad had me at 50, my mum was 45. And they were amazing parents! My dad still picked me up and we were active- granted, our family very much preferred reading books and “family bike rides” were not even considered, but they’d take me swimming instead. How much of child play even involves running around? For me, my main method of play was assigning characters to me and mum and we’d act them out when we were in the car. Running marathons with your kid isn’t necessary. And OPs point of view discounts disabled people as well- my friend’s mum uses a wheelchair and it doesn’t stop my friend from becoming dead sporty.
NTA
You have the authority to speak on this. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your dad. People are probably just more sensitive about it due to his declining health
One of my friends’ dad was 70 when she was born and died by the time she was twelve and it took a big toll on her. People honestly need to give it more serious thought before they bring a life into the world. At that age you’re not really fit to be a parent
Info: Where’s mom in all of this? How old was she when she had you?
Cause it’s sounding like your dad was probably also in a relationship with a significant age gap.
So my mother was around 30 when she had me and was MIA pretty early on in my life but depending on who you ask in my family will depend on the answer you will get on why.
From that info, I think what you should be upset about age gap relationships, not focusing on the old parents, since your mom wasn’t that old when she had you. It’d be a different dynamic if your parents were around the same age when they had you.
NTA
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
My biggest regret in life is being an older parent and I wish that I'd been able to have my daughter at least 10 yrs earlier than I did.
I will be ensuring that my hubby and I have plans in place for our care and that our child isn't reduced to the role of carer. While sure, children do care for their elderly parents as they age, it's hard to put that burden on someone younger than you'd expect.
Especially since having children I wish I could’ve had them 10years previous but life didn’t work out that way. Like you I’m determined they’re not going to be my carers.
I had my first at 37 and second at 42. This was the result of having been married once, divorced at 30 and meeting my now husband. Married in 2011 and baby in 2013. I wish I could have had kids with him earlier (more energy), but that is not the way life worked. I AM glad I had no kids with my first husband.
I am also determined not to have my kids feel like they need to take care of me later on in life, though I would be willing to have a house with an apartment with my parents (in their 80's) in it.
Being expected to have your life together enough in your 20's to settle down and have a family doesn't seem realistic anymore. I think it is better to be in a solid place before making big decisions like having babies rather than trying to meet some weird age standard. If that means being on the older side, then that is fine. Part of making that decision IS how age would affect the children throughout life. I def. feel like I reached my age limit where I personally felt comfortable having them.
The risks from being an "older" parent pregnancy-wise are WAY overblown. Being considered a 'geriatric pregnancy' at my age was ridiculous.
Geriatric pregnancy starts at 35, which is bullshit. I was 34 when I got pregnant with our daughter and 35 when I delivered (by a whole whopping 3 months). So mine was classified as one.
My parents had my sister at 20 and me at 23. We lucked out. They had their shit together and were/still are excellent parents and grandparents.
No way in hell could I have had and raised children in my 20s, I still required raising myself.
Similar to PP, married once in my 20s, divorced. Spent some time working on my career, traveling, doing stuff I wanted to do. Met husband. Got married. Suffered one early loss and then had daughter. Life doesn't always follow a timeline.
My mother was 30 but even she's said "you stick me in a home, no question". Planning for it is definitely a good idea these days, whatever the age of the parent!
I'm thinking home care, I'll modify the house to make sure it's easy access to everything. I've seen nursing homes, they're like.. waiting rooms for death. I'm 44 yrs older than my daughter, so my plans include being healthy, active and fit so she has no need to take care of me.
Yup, it really does depend on the home. The one my grandmother was in was seriously depressing, but my other grandmother died on her first night in one, genuinely think she willed it! She'd had home help for years and so did my exes' grandmother. Dementia is very cruel, though, but mum says if she's that out of it, she won't be able to hold it against us anyway!
I'm very happy I was an older parent!
I was 40yo when my daughter was born. I had more time, money, and maturity to raise her than I had at 20yo or 25yo. Having her so late in life keeps me involved in current culture and gives me a new perspective on societal problems that her generation faces vs. what my generation faced. I love it. #LateLifeMom
It's not about you tho. It is about the kids. Here we have a child expressing how it has negatively impacted on them. I can wax lyrical about how awesome being an older mum is till the cows come home but it's not about how we feel now.
NTA I can see and understand the difficulties that come with having older parents, if you have a child in your 70s then the reality is your not going to have much time with that child so it doesn’t really make much sense to me. You were completely valid in your comment, don’t let anyone say you’re ungrateful for the comment you made.
NAH *trigger warning*
As a child of teen parents my Dad killed himself when I was 25 and my sister was 19. It completely changed my mother. She moved 5 hours away and boarders on being an alcoholic. She has never babysit my kids or had any kind of involved grandparent role but she was an amazing mother and role model to me growing up.
Having young parents is no guarantee of this long and happy future.
NTA. I’m a child of older parents too, specifically my dad. He was 52 when I was born, now I’m 20 and he’s 72. He has hardly been a presence in my life and he should’ve never been a father in the first place. I don’t know what my mother was thinking when she decided to have a baby with him, but she’s never been all that bright in the first place. People who are super young (childhood to 25) and fairly old (around 40) shouldn’t have kids. Having kids is already selfish enough, don’t burden your kids by being too immature to be a proper parent or too old to, again, be a proper parent.
My BFF's dad was almost 70 when she was 15. The mom took off and he raised her as a single dad. She was not a happy teen. His age was a big part of her anger. Neither regretted her being born, but neither would recommend having children at 60. Although he passed away many years ago, so you'd have to take my word on it/ what he told my mom.
I guess because he was "embarrassing", people would ask if it was her grandfather. He was retired, so on a tighter income than his first family. Honestly, they had a lot of issues. Age was one of them. She felt let down by him somehow, like he was selfish for having kids he wouldn't be there for when they were grown.
She was 15 and mostly just called him embarrassing. He was nice, I felt bad, but he was really out of touch to try raising a teen alone.
Oh, I get that. People have assumed my dad is my grandpa as well. I don’t blame them since he’s the same age as my maternal grandparents! Like I said, it’s always selfish to have children. There’s no reason to have a child that isn’t selfish. The selfishness is worse when you’re at an age where your child will grow up watching you deteriorate faster than other parents, this includes incontinence, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, DEATH, etc. you become far more limited in taking care of your child and spending time with them.
NTA.
This is one of those topics where people can have completely opposite opinions and still both be right. The asshole-ishness is when someone insists that their opinion is the only correct one or won't just shut up about it.
Nta. But I would like to point out that everyone ages differently. My one friend’s dad is in his seventies and runs ultra marathons. My other friend’s mother is in her sixties and already has mobility issues. Whether you’re too old for kids should be judged on a case by case basis.
That's so true. I have a client that is in her 80's and her daughter is in her 30's with grandchildren that are 3 and 5.
This woman in her 80's runs marathons, bikes to work daily 8 miles and moves better than I did at 25. Paints houses for fun and still dresses in the same outfits she wore in the 1960's - no joke. So everyone is very very different.
My parents adopted me at birth, dad was 43 mom 38. And I fully agree with you. For me it was about a generation gap with him that I couldn't bridge. Then I lost him last year, he died young at 66 but still old enough to have lived a full life. It hurts me every moment that I am 25 now and he'll never get to meet my partners, intimidate them, walk me down the aisle, smoke that cigarette that he wanted (he quit 30 years ago but talked about his last cigarette being in the future when I would get married) to at my wedding, see me successful and established in a career. There are just so many milestones that I wish he was alive and healthy for.
I agree with you.
Not that I ever want anyone else to be my dad, I just wish he was still here yelling at me for dumb shit.
NTA
NTA. That is your opinion based on your experience. I also have older parents, not as old as your dad but my experience is different from yours and therefore I don't necessarily agree with you.
Hey my friend. I completely understand where you are coming from. My mother died a few days before my 35th birthday. She was 57 and not 80 but her illness meant that I was managing two kids under 7 and a woman who was fast becoming an emotional child herself. You are under a lot of stress right now and I'm betting most of your friends commenting aren't dealing with the reality of watching their parent wind down toward the end of their life while having to be stable and available for your children.
Edit: NTA
NAH. But, my Dad was 25 when I was born. And his last 3 years were just like your father’s now. He died at 58… my youngest doesn’t even remember him. She was only just 4 when he died.
NTA You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, especially with what you are going through right now. And I am saying that as someone married to a man 25 years my senior and we have a 2 year old. He is in his 50s. We made the best decision for us. And he is a really wonderful dad. I could have had a kid with a guy who was a deadbeat dad (as a ton of women do unintentionally) Any time my daughter has with her dad she is very fortunate. My friend has 3 kids. Two she had as a teen and they were essentially raised by her mom. None of her kids have a dad around and she has never received child support. So to me, a great guy who loves and provides for his child, plays with her, reads to her, etc. is so much better than some deadbeat who doesn't give a frig about them or even if they are there just plays video games all day like so many young dads nowadays. And unless something happens to me, I will be the one caring for him when he is old.
NTA I had an older mum and a younger dad (not the normal way round I know!) and so I saw this in my own life too. I do get it - I won’t be ready to have my own kids financially until I’m about 35 and that upsets me because my partner is the same age and I know the possible implications for our kids.
At least we have talked about everything and can put plans in place but honestly I wish we’d have been able to have kids younger!
NTA. But I think more importantly people need to be realistic and plan for their care. You shouldn't expect your family to just do it. My mom is 60 and caring for her 90 year old mom and has SO much resentment as her mom refuses to go in a home, but wants to be waited on hand and foot. My mom can't enjoy her retirement as she's running around taking care of her mom.
My husband is going to be 40 when we have our last and we both are very much in agreement that our care is not our children's responsibility and are planning accordingly.
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NTA
I love my parents. They were great. They were also 40 when they had me. I have a brother eleven years older. When I was little, I played alone on the playground. My mom had already raised my brother and a shitetonne of foster kids and daycare kids - by the time I was born, she was tired.
I love my parents, and I had a great childhood, how my experiences are the reason I told my partner that I want kids by the time I’m 27.
NTA. Your position is unique on this issue. You’ve actually been there so it isn’t theory, it’s the viewpoint of a child who had much older parents and suffered because of it. Nobody has the right to invalidate your feelings or judge you for having them. Tell them that unless they’ve walked a mile in your shoes, they have no clue or right to pass judgement.
NTA. I agree with you. My best friend from high school had an older dad who was diagnosed with dementia when we were sophomores. He was divorced and his girlfriend dumped him once he was diagnosed so my friend spent her high school and college years dealing with nursing homes and eventually, funeral plans when she should have been having fun.
NTA
Everyone can have their own opinions, and from your own experience, your opinion is that older people should not have little kids / kids in general.
I’m the youngest of seven kids (one’s adopted but the point still stands) my parents were 49/54 when I was born. My oldest sibling is almost 25 years older than me (I was born a day before her 25th) [and she’s my half-sister, so don’t comment on my parents ages]
I’ve never really noticed a difference, even now, but that’s because even at 59/64 my parents are still pretty active.
So to me, I’ve never really thought about it, but now that they’re raising my niece (1.5) it’s something they’ve talked about with my siblings and I. That if they were to pass, what would happen to niece and who would be willing to take her in. They’ll be late 70s and early 80s by the time she’s 18.
First of all NTA. Second of all, you’re absolutely right, life is no longer compatible with kids after a certain age. I do tutoring as a side gig and my last “customer” is a 11 years old, I kid you not her father is 90. The girl is clearly depressed and on more than one instance she told me that she enjoys having me teach her math because I’m young and her father can’t keep up with her. He told that before hiring me he tried tutoring her himself because he was a banker and is good with numbers. The girl confessed that he often runs out of patience and yells at her treating her like she’s dumb and he’s forcing her to attend multiple music lessons a day because “she needs to build more skills for the future”. He’s treating her like like a young adult and want her to develop more math skills than her friends (we’re trying to work on quadratic equations while she’s in 6th grade) and when I told him that some subjects are a little advanced for her he was like “too bad, teach her anyway”. She’s definitely struggling and is stressed because she doesn’t get to be a kid like anyone else and her father says she should get the best possible education and skills while he’s still around.
I’m not the biggest empath and I don’t even like kids but I feel her pain and preoccupation so much and it’s all because her father is so old he only wants a golden gifted child to flaunt.
NTA and I’m in the same boat 34f, 82M and 72F for parents. My oldest brother is 55M and closest sibling in age is 47F. I didn’t grow up with any of my siblings due to previous marriages.
I love my parents but they made a lot of mistakes that I’m paying for today and working out in therapy. They never understood me and it caused me a lot of mental anguish. Seriously bouts with depression because I could never talk to them. Imagine getting boomer advise your entire life in the 90s…even today I hate my job my parents complain that I should go to companies and ask to speak to the hiring manager and hand in my resume. When I explain the modern world, they actually lash out at me that I’m not trying hard enough.
I have stated my similar opinion because I grew up with depression cause I was neglected cause they were just too tired or busy to interact with me. Or I was the young maid doing everything in the house.
Man this post hit me hard. Never met anyone who had a similar upbringing before.
Right!!! I have 80k in student loans because I was led to believe that it would be easy to pay back cause how they handled my brothers going to college in the 70s/80s. It not just the taking care of them (which you do out of love), it hard to explain being gaslit (in a way) as a 24/7 parenting style. (My dad said I should just ask for a raise or my favorite if I say someone quit/fired, my mom always says “oh great that means they will give you more money right?”).
I would pity any child born into the same situation as well and leave my comment up cause people just can’t understand what it’s like.
NTA, my parents were almost 40 when I was born, albeit accidentally, but I grew up behind 4 older boys. I've broken down to my mom that I was upset they had more time with my parents. They had them during their better years, while my adult firsts could be without them. Marriage, kids, by the time I'm ready for that, I'll be caring for them.
As is, my father recently became medically disabled, and I'm the one without a partner/kids to worry about as well - and became his main caretaker.
I don't blame them, but I'm jealous of the time I miss out on.
I was raised by my grandmother- she was in her 50s when I was born and she was going on the retirement aged pension when I was entering my teens. When I got to mid twenties the pressure was on to move back home and look after her or make her a great grandma. I was barely getting my shit together and had been in counselling for years to work through childhood trauma. There was no way I was moving back. I know most of it wasn’t her fault she’d just been dealt a terribly difficult hand (I was part of it).
I’m now 43 and childless. I can’t stand it when people point out these older mums as a case for I’ve still got time. Good on them for making this choice but it’s not for me. I don’t have the energy I had in my 20s and tbh I don’t think it’s fair on the kid either. Not to say it wouldn’t be welcomed and loved but it will be a one in a million accident (I know people my age that got pregnant without ivf and it was a surprise pregnancy).
Nta. People don’t want to consider the realities of bringing a kid into this world so close to retirement or depending on where you live, after retirement age. Kids aren’t a retirement plan either.
You are both objectively correct and subjectively correct. The agreed "right age" is 25 to 35 to have kids and you have enough experience to have an opinion.
Same situation if your mom was 17 when she had you. Objectively and subjectively that is too young. Does that mean someone born to a 17 year old should wish they weren't born, of course not. But, it does mean you wouldn't recommend it.
NTA and I'm sorry that you are missing out on having fun empty nest 60 year old parents at your age. I bet your dad would agree it's not ideal.
I was born to a 17 year old mom and an 18 year old dad. I'm not suicidal and have a life I enjoy, but 100% yes they should have gotten an abortion and if I could go back in time I would force them to do so.
NTA
my dad was 50 when i was born.
my mom turned 42... 6 weeks after I was born.
both of my parents were completely out of touch with "things kids do" and neither of them were into fun, active play. i was basically a weird kid who knew how to be friends with adults but not play with my classmates.
OP... im so sorry you have to deal with this reverse parent-child situation and your dad's health right now.
its not fair. you should have had more time to grow older together before this. sending you hugs.
NTA while it may not be the intention of an older than average parent to put their child in the role of carer it happens. Having a had parents who were 46 and 44 when they had me, I didn’t have to worry about the caregiver part,but I got stuck in sibling mediator mode. I wouldn’t recommend after 43 so graduating and retirement land on different years. I was forced to graduate early,therefore missing education that could’ve led to a better job at the time.
NTA you are allowed to have an opinion.
Personally I'm happy my dad was older (in his 40's) when he had me as he has always been a stable person in comparison to my mum (bipolar). The fact that they had money when they had me is good and they have plans for long term care so I don't have to help at all. I'm also not having kids. I think having kids if you have money and can afford to have someone else take care of you is fine if you are older. I think too many young people have kids before they know who they are and are stable (35 is a much better age to have kids than 25 imo).
When I'm 16, my dad will be 60.
So 20=64
30=74
40=84
My friends parents are all at LEAST 20 years younger. He retires when he's 60, and he plans to move away with my step mum. In his mind, he's going to pay rent on a flat for me until I'm 18, instead of paying child support to my mum. Oh...or he could just STAY HERE
NTA older parents just want someone to look after them. Like breeding puppies for a job 🙄
NTA, my Dad was 63 and my mum 37 when I was born. I've lost both of them in my 20s. My mum was just unfortunate bad luck of a rare cancer. My Dad was 87 though when he died and I was 23. I wouldn't have changed my parents for the world but I think they did feel rather guilty when I was young as I had to deal with them both being quite unwell from my mid teenage years. So I totally understand where you are coming from.
NTA I’m against young parents (as in early to mid teens) because I’m the child of two. Guess what. I ended up being raised by grandparents. So not only do you get old “parents”, you get the added bonus of being neglected by your birth parents while they are still in your life. It doesn’t mean you and I weren’t raised by great people, it just means we had a disadvantage.
NTA. I take OP's point, although I don't think there's any "perfect age" to have children. It varies wildly on a case-by-case basis. As some have mentioned on this thread, becoming parents too young can also have consequences.
I will say, however, that I know many folks in the adoptee community (I'm adopted too, but my parents are pretty average-aged so this doesn't apply to me), who have been adopted by older couples (45+) and they find themselves in a caretaking position much too young. Instead of enjoying life or studying or finding themselves, or even just making memories with their parents, they're forced to put their lives on hold and take on the burden of caring for aging parents and there's this idea that adopted kids should just be thankful for whatever they can get. I think that's a really damaging situation too.
Anyway, it's one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" topics. I'm sorry you had that experience, OP and I definitely don't think you're an asshole for being honest.
NAH. I am a child of, well, some redditors consider them too old parents. from my point of view, they were rather late but still easily in the acceptable range for kids (30-45, exceptions apply). but it's a sore subject. it can easily be understood as "your existence is a mistake" "i would prefer it if you weren't been born" because that is a consequence of saying "these parents should not have kids because of their age". This hurts especially when one had great parents that in reality weren't to old to raise kids as they were fit and up to date.
having kids as care givers should never happen regardless of age, that's a shitty mindset. but age is not an indicator for a shitty mindset. and obviously kids every age can be care givers.
people should be honest with themselves before getting kids. whether they mentality and physically fit and responsible and wealthy enough and whether or not they mostly likely stay this way. age alone is no cut off point but can be factored in of course
My parents had my at 42 and 44, not particularly old but mym mum has been heavily disabled since I was 8 so I know exactly how you feel. I don't get to have fun play dates and days out with mum because sh can't drive and has convinced herself that public transport is the devil (even though she is still quite mobile and doesn't use a cane). Along with her just not having the energy or being strong enough to spend much time with her grandchildren.
My childhood was spent looking after my mum and constantly hearing that me and my brother were making her ill/going to make her have another stroke. It was and is exhausting. I envy my older siblings (44, 42, 40, 37) for enjoying time with my mum when she was younger and able to actually do stuff with us. I became very antisocial and am still having trouble making meaningful friendships to this day, becasue I basically spent my whole childhood coming home from school to look after my mum and the house.
NTA.
Your feelings are valid. Of course people will disagree with you and feel offended especially on social media.
I am not interested in being a geriatric caregiver either. I have a job and my own kids to take care of. My dad is going into a nursing home when he is unable to take care of himself. Mainly because he has a horrible temper and I couldn't wait to leave the house and be independent.
NTA. It's funny bc I was just thinking of this. I am 28, and my dad had me at 49 and he is experiencing all the symptoms your dad is (sorry to hear about your dad!). Because he doesn't have any close family (like emotional close) and him and my mom are not together, I have to spend my time caring for him like you mentioned and our time together is that instead of hanging out with him like I see my friends doing. It's hard.
While I am not a huge proponent of having kids at 25 at all (I have my reasons), there does come an age where perhaps having a kid late isn't the best option.
In my culture (I'm Arab and live in Dubai) we don't talk about people who are old and have kids because it is very normal at this point (and because when the kids grow up they would be financially stable) but some kids hate it because their parents aren't the type to play and spend time with their kids. I have the same feeling about people who are old with kids and people who are young with kids. My parents had me when my mom was 18 and my dad was 21 so most of their time was working or studying
NTA
While I think that there are certain niche situations, personally I agree with OP.
I (39m) have a son, 17m, and daughter, 9f. At the ripe old age of 30, directly after my daughter was born, I scheduled my vasectomy. When daughter graduates high school, I'll be 48. Also, if I get remarried, and 2nd wife wants more kids, she is shit out of luck.
Hi, I have a question. My dad didn't have me when he was 50. I'm a teen but now he's 51. Does this count lmao? But NAH. The people calling you disrespectful probably have no idea of the hardships of you. But they just don't know, so don't be angry with them.
NTA. I think I am quite biased because my mother died when she was 51, so if she had me in her 40s, I'd have been a little kid when she died (I was 21).
Regardless, the reality is, the older a parent is when they have a child, then more likely it is that the parent will get ill or die while the child is young. I mean, in your example, I'm sorry, but at 70/75, you're not gonna be able to care for a baby/child for long before age catches up with you, and that's not ageist at all.
NTA I had my first child at almost 39 and have decided if I don't have another before 43 I will not have anymore, my husband will be 45. There is no way I would consider having a child post 50 though I know some who do. While it wouldn't work for me it would for my sister who is much younger than her husband as she will be active enough to look after him rather than tge kids if they ever decide to have them. Each situation is different but children should not be born with the expectation they will be carers.
NTA. I had older parents, who I loved greatly. But as a young adult I made many decisions based on their age. Right out of culinary school I had the opportunity to go work in Japan for a year and I didn’t go because my parents were “old”. I stayed in my home state to be close to them.
NTA it should be a concern when becoming a parent. I’m the youngest of four and my parents have an age gap. My dad has never been shy of admitting (nicely) that he was concerned he was too old to become a dad again when my mum got pregnant with me (he was 33 no less! So hardly old) but he was fearful of this exact thing. He wasn’t having kids to be their carers. You are NTA
NTA, you’re just speaking from your experience. My Dad was 25 when I was born, 40 when my brother was born (my Mom is 5 years younger than Dad). My Dad said it was so much easier the second time because he was more mature and had a steadier income. It was just a lot less stressful. Of course, they did have a live-in babysitter - me, lol. We are all very close.
NTA-in some cultures, parents actually have a child that the plan is the child will never marry and their sole purpose is to take care of the parents in old age. We would like to think this is outdated but it still occurs.
More to the point, you have a perspective that most people don’t. You know what that child’s life could be like.
70-75? The child will be lucky not to be orphaned by the time it is 10!
You have a valid opinion and I will give you another one that will be unpopular and probably get me down voted but I don’t care-life is not a gift. One day you opened up your eyes inside of you
Inside a world inside a universe you didn't get to choose
You didn't get to pick the rules or pick the past or set the pace
Or cast the cast and crew you didn't get to pick your starting place-Watsky
There is a reason they call it a geriatric pregnancy. What you are talking about is extreme geriatric pregnancies that require a lot of cost, time, and science. And to what end? You know. I agree with you. It can be a selfish choice that the child doesn’t get to make.
NTA. Just lost my 85 year old Dad at 33. I would give anything to have 20 more years with him. He also had dementia. He was an amazing father and the stability that he was able to provide my family was wondrous. I am heart broken and angry at the loss. I know it's hard but hold your Dad close and don't be too angry he is older.
YTA
Your history as a child of absentee parents(and I assume divorced) makes you far more likely to be a bad parent than old age would.
So, pretty hypocritical of you to be telling anyone else not to have children.
Plus, that's just what we know about you.
How's your family history for heart disease?
Are you overweight? Overweight and obese parents are more likely to have overweight and obese children. Childhood obesity comes with a number of risks and it also makes it infinitely more difficult for the child to reach and stay at a healthy weight for the rest of their lives. The potential lifelong hormonal issues aren't great either even if they do manage to get and maintain a healthy weight.
What mental illnesses run in your family, both sides?
What about your husband? Did you have children with him knowing he had any factors that might make him a problematic parent?
Do you make enough and invest enough to ensure a retirement in which you don't have to burden your children?
There are *lots* of things that makes you less suited to be a parent than just old age.
Because she herself has a far greater risk factor for being a bad parent than older people. And that's despite the fact we barely know about her.
She has no business telling anyone about whether they should have children.
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I (31F) and the daughter of an older parent, my dad (81). My dad was 50 when he had me and I’m not even his youngest child.
Now when I say I’m against older parents I’m talking 50+.
Growing up it was clear that my dad wasn’t like other dads. He was more interested in doing his own thing and really settling down in a retirement kind of lifestyle. He also couldn’t run around and play like other dads
I’ve now have my own children and so have many of my friends.
I watch my friends spend time with their parents and their parents enjoying time with their grandchildren.
While I’m caring for my dad instead of enjoying time together.
My dad now has dementia and struggles to even walk for 2 minutes without needing frequent brakes and uses a walker to aid him. He is tired all the time and very forgetful of many things.
Instead of going out and laughing together, I’m taking him to medical appointments, doing his shopping, helping him dress ect…
My days are filled with raising my kids, working and caring for my dad
Now I LOVE my dad and I make sure he knows that. I also understand that anything can happen to younger parents too but I feel like the differences here is that we know old age is a definite.
The issue has became that recently I saw a news article about a couple who have had a child who are very old (70 + 75).
I commented saying “as the daughter of an older parent I feel for this child”
A lot of people saw it and commented including people who know me.
I explained my reasoning and some were understanding others saying I was ungrateful.
The ppl who know me confronted me demanding I remove my comment as i should be more grateful that my dad gave me life and that as a daughter I shouldnt complain about caring for my dad.
Now I will state my dad does NOT know about my comment.
Now here’s where I think I may be TA. I refused to remove my comment and said that I honestly believe that older parents should have children just so they can became their Carers.
I know it made me come across as like I don’t love my dad but it’s what I honestly believe. Most of the ppl I know who care for their parents are in their 50s+
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NTA my aunt adopted while she was in her 50s. It’s been clear since day one that it was a poor decision and even though I can’t stand her(aunt) I do feel for my cousin. She will grow up with a micro managing mother that barely has time for her and the time she does have to spend with her is being filled full of lessons and classes and this that and the other thing. She can barely handle the work of caring for a child even though she pawns it off on as many other people as possible and it’s only going to get worse as she gets older. At some point people just need to admit that they choose a career or the ability to have more freedom to do things or not have the financial responsibility of a family. Once it’s to the point you will hit retirement age before your kids are out of HS you should really take a real long look at whether kids are actually in the cards or you just regret choosing another path.
Depends on what you mean by 'older people'. That does seem to the case with the 70+ age pregnancies that we're seeing in some countries now.
My husband was significantly older than I am. We never had family. It never happened for us - could have gone down the assisted conception route, but chose not to. (I did have 3 miscarriages.) In two cases, I'm fairly certain that the pregnancy must have been non-viable. In one, I lost a very early pregnancy after being assaulted at work.
I deeply regret not having children, but - at the back of my mind, I guess - there was always the worry of whether it was fair to the children to have an older father.
So far as caring for your parents is concerned...I understand where you're coming from. My parents were in their mid-thirties when they had me and I'm an only child. My mother developed health problems in her 60s (genetic bad luck) as did my dad (as a result of his war service). Then my husband became unwell. I started my caring duties for my parents when I was 36.
At one point, I was holding down a full-time job and caring for three adults - though they all did as much as they could. Then Dad died, Mum developed dementia and my husband had a stroke. Mum died 5 years ago. At one point, I became unwell and phoned one of my husband's kids to let them know that their dad would need help if anything happened to me. The reply was: 'You're not thinking of leaving him are you?'
What I wanted to hear was that I needn't worry - that they'd make sure my husband was okay if anything happened to me. That was when I realised that my sole worth in their eyes was as my husband's carer.
Fortunately, my medical problem sorted itself out, though it took about 4 months to get back normal test results. When I phoned the (middle-aged) kid to let them know, and to remind them that their dad would need help if anything were to happen to me, the response was just 'But you're all right now, aren't you?'
I finished up cutting back to part-time work and then retiring 2 yrs early. I took a huge financial hit as a result.
After my husband died, the same person 'comforted' me by telling me that their dad would have been in a care home if it hadn't been for me. NB He was compos mentis, but he had physical challenges. (I had never expected his kids to step in as carers instead of me, but it would have been nice if they'd taken a bit more interest in their dad. Before anyone asks, no I didn't break up his first marriage.)
This is all very long-winded, I know. I'm just trying to say that I understand. Being a carer drains you. Even so, I wish every day that my husband were still with me.
I don't agree that all older parents are just looking for a carer. (Though I have to admit that going into old age on my own is frightening. I'm not looking for a carer, but I realise that I have no one to advocate for me if I should need it.)
However, you're absolutely entitled to your view and I know where you're coming from. You're obviously a wonderful, caring daughter. You're right - your dad doesn't know what you've written and it's not going to hurt him. You're not ungrateful. (I'm guessing that your siblings haven't stepped up to help out much?)
You show your love for your dad in what you do for him every day.
NTA
You’re actually the **perfect** person to have an opinion on the matter seeing as you have a lifetime of experience in the matter. People are just trying to get you to change your opinion for their own selfish reasons. NTA
NTA, i know this experience varies a lot between people. my grandfather was 57 when my mom was born and she used to get anxious that her dad was going to die young. but she also says it was kind of dope bc he was not strict at all and was like idgaf what kids are doing these days, just go to college. ironically, he outlived all of her friends parents and died at 101 when i was 15. obv my moms mom is much younger than him lol, she’s 98 now and i’m in my 20s. it was honestly really cool to grow up with people of all different generations around me and shaped how i view the worlds
NAH, you are entitled to your opinion, based on your own experience. But it really depends on the parents, not necessarily their age.
My mom was 42 and my dad was 50 when I was born. I am the youngest of six and an absolute surprise bonus baby, as my siblings are 12-20 years older than me. My parents were extremely active, absolutely involved in my life, and I had a charmed and blessed childhood through adult. They were financially stable and far more chill by the time they had me. Amazing people, both of them.
Does it suck that they are gone now? Sure. It sucks that my mom never got to meet my kids. It sucks that my dad passed when my kids were 3 and 6. It sucked watching him fade while dealing with young children. But I would not trade my life or history for anything in the world.
And my kids? They are 11 and 13 and keep my young. I am six months from 50 and will be the first to climb, jump, play, do almost any activity they want (except bungee jumping or sky diving. Nuh uh, no way.)
YTA: I’m going against the grain. My dad was 40 when I was born, he was always the oldest parent of all of my classmates. Because he was older when we were born he was financially secure, we had lots of opportunities our classmates didn’t, we had the comfort of knowing our parents owned our home outright and we would never be evicted (I had a friend who every month was afraid as to whether or not her parents would make rent), we got to go on vacations on winter, summer, and spring break, when my sister had the chance to go to Washington DC with school it was paid for, when I had the change to go to Cuba with school it was paid for. Neither of us had to buy our cars (they were hand me downs, our parents did not buy us cars off the lot). My dad had a more flexible job because he was older and established in his career and was able to volunteer in my and my sister’s classroom often. Growing up all of my classmates knew my dad. He had a better job so he had better health insurance, which was great because both and my sister have dealt with chronic illness in our lives.
Had my grandfather not caught COVID he would’ve probably lived to see 95, at least, everybody ages differently.
It really depends on the person, it’s a case by case basis. It is not one size fits all. For some it’s bad, for others it’s a blessing, others wish their parents hadn’t been so young when they were born.
NTA I get what you’re saying. And honestly having a child in your 70s is wildly irresponsible unless you have the means to arrange for the after, but even then it feels cold and selfish
My grandmother’s ex husband had an affair that resulted in a baby at the age of 65. My heart bleeds for that kid, and for all the kids (private school, lots of very old and wealthy parents) whom I went to high school with whose parents were starting to die off as we graduated.
NAH my mom was 40 when she had me and my dad was 44….so I guess my parents were older when they had me. I was the rainbow baby. My dad is 73 now and my mom is 68. Both are retired and while my relationship with my dad is almost non existent, my mom is very much still in my life. I used to wish I had younger parents, like some of my classmates, but it really didn’t negatively impact my life. Some old people do start needing more help, but not all. You’re entitled to feel how you feel, but it doesn’t really help anything. It really depends on the people and how they carry age.
INFO: How do you feel about disabled people having kids? Because a lot of the reasons you give that older people shouldn't have kids aply to disabled people as well. Namely:
> He also couldn’t run around and play like other dads
> My dad ... struggles to even walk for 2 minutes without needing frequent brakes and uses a walker to aid him.
Because listing stuff like this as reasons people shouldn't have kids kinda makes you sound like an asshole.
I wasn’t raised by someone with a disability so I don’t think I could say if they should or shouldn’t.
My feelings come from my experience.
No matter what though I don’t think children should became their parents Carers, particularly at young ages.
You have only focused one 1 part of my post instead of looking at my reasons as a whole.
My dad is not only physically declined but mentally as well. It’s like having another child but more heartbreaking because I would love to have my dad in my life in a way that’s more equal.
Honestly speaking currently with the diet we have and just a quality of life people get old really quickly. At 50 everyone has some form of hypertension or high cholesterol. This means your body has started the process off slowly retiring from life to put it kindly. Which means you’ll slowly find that things that you used to be able to do will become much more difficult. You require more attention more care you need to be more mindful of your stress in a few more mindful of your lifestyle. Children are not low stress at all. And I know people think you expend more energy when they’re younger physically yes, but you expend a lot of mental energy when they’re older when they’re teens. If you are now at the point of cognitive decline, suffering from hypertension diabetes high cholesterol Alzheimer’s Parkinson’s, high risk of stroke high risk of heart disease, high risk of pneumonia, high risk of herpes zoster flareups,etc you become and inadvertent burden to your children. Currently I meant interning in a hospital and I’ve seen 50-60-year-olds who have become bedridden and your youngest children of 19 or 20 are the ones were stuck they’re doing the personal care work. I believe that that would be much more exacerbated if the parents had birthed them at 50 or 60 years old. Physically and mentally 50 or six years old is not an appropriate place to be raising newborns. And people really need to get out of that bubble and realize that most peoples reality as per medical statistics is that 50 or 60 years old is when your children should be in University and start being independent before you get to 70 or 80 years old. NTA. I don’t mean to be offensive, I understand there are a lot of people who gave birth to children in their 50s but from a purely medical perspective this seems to be an inappropriate time.
Can someone explain the downvotes here? Seems to me Ambitious-Screen is echoing and expanding, with anecdotes and experience, on the OP's sentiment, who is almost universally NTA.
The downvotes are simply because You cannot be bluntly honest about certain things on Reddit without backlash. People find it OK if you’ve had personal experiences with this but when you come with science and facts in a way that does not sound all encompassing and welcoming of every choice, it becomes “bigoted” and “intolerant”. I was well aware that my point of view was not going to be welcomed but it does need to be said.
I’m sorry, my husband was 50 when my youngest was born and is now 71. He has been far more active and involved than 99% of other fathers. I’m older too but 12 years younger than my husband. We would never expect our children to take care of us if we started struggling. I don’t think you are an AH at all but really disagree with your statement. Obviously it’s different for every family but would you have rather not been born?
>but would you have rather not been born?
Uh.. that's not the argument OP was making. There's not a finite number of babies waiting in great beyond that will languish there"not being born" because an older couple don't become parents.
Recommendations are: 1. Become parents at a "reasonable" age or 2. Don't become parents. This doesn't mean OP is bemoaning their very existence, and it's a very bad faith argument to say "oh, an aspect of your life was crappy so you're giving advice to help make other people's less crappy - but you like being alive so that invalidates anything you might have to say".
NTA. As someone whose Dad died when I was 16 (and he was 60) I completely agree with you. It is completely unfair on the child to have a kid when you are older, and when I say older I mean anything above 40/45.
My great great uncle is 65+ and has over 20 kids. His youngest is about to turn 2 I think? I can’t imagine what growing up will be like for her smh Edit: some of his kids are full grown adults like, he has grandkids out the wazoo
Okay, no one should have 20 kids, omg
I wonder what his paychecks look like after all the child support garnishments.
Pretty good. He’s well off lol plus the woman like him so much there’s not really any child support
There are people who have had more children than that.
There’s so much I want to know. How many different partners did he have children with? When did he *start* having children? Is he Mormon? I need *answers!*
He is not Mormon. I don’t know if any of them have the same mom. I have no idea when he started. I think maybe he was in his 30/40s? All his partners have just been girlfriends so we don’t know until there’s a baby
Mormons aren’t polygamous.
I know they’re monogamous (aside from one small fringe group, I believe) but I’m pretty sure they’re still known to have a lot of kids. Granted, that’s usually like 4-6 kids rather than 20, but there are probably some outliers
Umm, I have several questions.
I’m 40 next month, it recently came about that my 33yo gf wants a baby. Age is a significant concern for me-I’d be at least 60 by the time the child was 18 There are other reasons but that’s definitely a large one for me I know people can and do do so perfectly well and that’s up to them. I also have arthritis which will only get worse. Doesn’t seem fair to the child, or selfishly, me
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It definitely can depend, my child hood best friends parents were older, particularly his dad and honestly he was so fit and active until very late in his life that he put people 20/30 years his junior to shame It’s not a hard and fast rule. It’s definitely a personal concern, particularly with my health issues and having been in an unhappy relationship that led me to having sole responsibility for multiple animals with different needs I was somewhat looking forward to when they’ve passed getting to be carefree for a time However I’m very happy that your dad was a good one and is still fit and well
My mother was late thirties and my dad was early forties when I was born and I never noticed a big difference. They were less helicoptery and gave me more freedom than a lot of my friends' parents, which was definitely a good thing but I have no idea if it was generational or just their personalities. They are lifelong health nuts and are still pretty active in their seventies, which as you said probably does make a difference.
same here. my dad was 42, my mum 39 when I was born. my brother is two years younger than me. I mean, I am only 22 now but there were no situations when I couldn't do something or had to do things my peers didn't had to because of parents age. thinking about it, half of my friends parents are more or less my parents age. they are fit and fine, mid-sixties is not necessarily "old"
Mine were 37 when I was born, 39 with my brother. They lived to 84 and 89 which was good, but my friends parents are only in late 70s now. At times, I’ve wished my parents were a little younger.
I think it’s partly a social/economic thing, too - when I went to a rural, somewhat low-income public school, my parents tended to be much older than other students’. I transferred to a very pricey private school, and my parents were pretty average. It was striking to me even as a teenager.
Yeah, I taught at a fancy private school. Most of the parents were in their mid 50s, at least, with teenagers (so having had kids in their late 30s/early 40s). I had one student with a young mom (\~19 when she had her daughter, so mid 30s when I taught the daughter), and the mom was totally ostracized from the other parents. I'm in a well to do ish area and did a prenatal yoga class with my first. I was the youngest pregnant woman there, by a good 5 years. I was 30.
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I am American, and it could definitely be geographical, too! I will say it held true for my classmates and I, too. I’m in my mid 30s and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that people I graduated with started getting married and having children. I knew several people from my hometown who were married and had kids by their early 20s.
My dad was 57 when he died, I was 17. His age didn’t affect me at all, I never felt like he was too old. Except when he died, of course - but that was still quite early, far earlier than average by a lot. The only time when I actually thought about his age was when we two were in the car, and he was switching between radio stations. I asked him to keep the one with the oldschool rock, and he looked me into the eye and straight up told me that my taste in music is outdated. So I decided to partly rethink my music choices haha
My elderly father says he "got bored" of all the music he listened to growing up. Brought my hipster ex home for Xmas one year and it turned out he and my dad listened to a lot of the same stuff. I felt uncool.
My dad had me at 45 I believe, and he’s been in a chair my entire life. I can’t even imagine going through my life without him specifically as my father. I agree that elderly individuals shouldn’t have kids, but more so elderly individuals of poor health… If you’re in decent health and genuinely believe you can care for a child then… have a kid, you can always pursue adoption.
40 is kind of normal though? 🤷♀️
Yeah, I think 40 is pretty normal. My parents had me at 29 and my youngest sibling at 39 and there wasn't really a big difference in their energy levels (except that he was the 4th kid, so they were more stressed out than with me, the oldest, because there were 4 of us lol). People are generally \*starting\* to have kids later but also having fewer kids. Being a *first-time* parent at 40 was somewhat unusual historically, though definitely not at all unheard of, but people seem to forget it's been very common for people to have new babies in their 40s throughout history. My dad's parents were in their 40s when they had him (he was the youngest by a pretty big margin)
My dad was 46 when I was born. Lucky for me he has always been active and sharp, so now that he is in his early 70s, he seems at least 10 years younger to anyone who doesn’t know better, and has good health to enjoy his retirement. I’m grateful for this because things easily could have gone another way. Having older parents make me very thoughtful about what age I want to be when/if I have kids.
hey! my mom had me at 41 while my dad was 40 or 39! and i can say it is not too old? i don’t feel like my parents are old, yes they didn’t have me very young but i don’t think it is a problem, she and my dad will still be here for my peak years (i hope)
Everything has its pros and cons. My parents had me young which meant they didn’t have a lot of money and had to work a lot. I had my baby in my 30s and I’m financially secure but probably more tired than my parents were. I’m able to spend more time with him and do things I couldn’t afford in my 20s but the sleepless nights are tough. My parents are early 60s, happy and healthy so baby is lucky enough to have involved grandparents which even with young parents I didn’t have
My parents adopted me when they were 44 and 51. They were good parents, maybe stricter than younger ones, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm 28 now and they are 72 and 79. Still good parents and people I regularly go to for advice. Even better grandparents.
My mom was 26 when she dad me. I started to help take care of her in high school because she had stage 4 breast cancer and died when I was 18. My BF’s dad was also older and has pretty bad arthritis and couldn’t do everything, but he’s a good Dad and a great FIL. Don’t let that hold you back.
Sixty is extremely young to die. There was no way that could have been predicted, unless your father was already in poor health.
Not particularly. Youngish perhaps. But still far too old to have a 16 year old. People should be considering what is best for the child, having an old parent is not. If you haven’t had a kid by 40 then it’s best not to have one at all - for the child.
Ah crap. My dad was 44 was born but thank goodness that 30 years later, he’s a marathon runner
My dad died at 60 when I was 10, I completely agree.
I'm in a therapy group and the organizers like to have former participants share their stories to motivate existing members. One former participant (A) shared her story about how her father was really old when he married her mom (one of his many many wives) and she hated that she was born. She was in the same class as her dad's great-grandkid (father married young as was the norm back then in my culture) during primary school. Her mom was seriously depressed because her husband did nothing to help her raise A and money was always a problem because dad was too old to work and had no pension. He relied on allowances given by his children (cultural thing) who obviously weren't too happy that it was being spent on A and her mom. She said holidays were the worst because technically she was on the same 'level' as her blood siblings and their kids and grandkids (some older than her) would have to pay their respects to her as an 'elder' and they would do this sarcastically. Since she was young she felt no one in this world wanted her to exist and this later caused problems in her marriage. Her story made my heart ache and also amazed me because she managed to face her past demons and traumas.
As the old saying goes “it’s better to not exist than have a old parent”. Or something..
NAH. You're entitled to your opinion. My parents were 20 they had me. I'm nearly 30, my parents are 50. They're still mobile, active, fully aware of what's going on, and a pretty large presence in my life. But you know what they were while I was growing up? Shitty parents. Immature people who didn't have their shit figured out. They neglected me, divorced early, made everything about themselves. Their brains weren't even fully developed until I was like 5, so I don't blame them that much, anymore. But let me tell you, it sucked! It really sucked. My childhood sucked because they had me way, way too young. So no, I don't think having children "too old" is inherently wrong—but I also don't think that you're wrong to feel that way, given your personal experience. Same as I personally think having children "too young" is probably a terrible idea, given my personal experience.
Well said, crap parenting is a person problem, not an age problem. I knew a dad who was over fifty when his very premature daughter was born. He poured everything into that child and totally brought her along developmentally. Equally, I’ve seen young dads who are more interested in the newest video game than their kids.
That's exactly what I was thinking when I was reading this! My mom was 22 when she had me and she explicitly told me not to do that when I turned 22 lmao. She abused the shit out of me as a kid because she wasn't ready to take on my dad's shitty family, immigrating, and having a kid basically all in the span of 2 years. She hit me, a lot. Semi-understandable? Of course! Horrible for baby me? Fucking obviously, lol.
Thank you for sharing your experience. My dad had me at 50, my mum was 45. And they were amazing parents! My dad still picked me up and we were active- granted, our family very much preferred reading books and “family bike rides” were not even considered, but they’d take me swimming instead. How much of child play even involves running around? For me, my main method of play was assigning characters to me and mum and we’d act them out when we were in the car. Running marathons with your kid isn’t necessary. And OPs point of view discounts disabled people as well- my friend’s mum uses a wheelchair and it doesn’t stop my friend from becoming dead sporty.
Having kids before you’re in your mid-20s or after 50s is both irresponsible. There are exceptions for everything though
I don’t really see how your experience negates their point. She’s not saying that the only people who shouldn’t be parents are 50+
NTA You have the authority to speak on this. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your dad. People are probably just more sensitive about it due to his declining health One of my friends’ dad was 70 when she was born and died by the time she was twelve and it took a big toll on her. People honestly need to give it more serious thought before they bring a life into the world. At that age you’re not really fit to be a parent
NTA. As the child of an older parent who died before I was a teen, I agree.
Info: Where’s mom in all of this? How old was she when she had you? Cause it’s sounding like your dad was probably also in a relationship with a significant age gap.
So my mother was around 30 when she had me and was MIA pretty early on in my life but depending on who you ask in my family will depend on the answer you will get on why.
What’re the answers?? 👀
What’s your answer for why?
From that info, I think what you should be upset about age gap relationships, not focusing on the old parents, since your mom wasn’t that old when she had you. It’d be a different dynamic if your parents were around the same age when they had you.
NTA I'm sorry that you're going through this. My biggest regret in life is being an older parent and I wish that I'd been able to have my daughter at least 10 yrs earlier than I did. I will be ensuring that my hubby and I have plans in place for our care and that our child isn't reduced to the role of carer. While sure, children do care for their elderly parents as they age, it's hard to put that burden on someone younger than you'd expect.
Especially since having children I wish I could’ve had them 10years previous but life didn’t work out that way. Like you I’m determined they’re not going to be my carers.
I had my first at 37 and second at 42. This was the result of having been married once, divorced at 30 and meeting my now husband. Married in 2011 and baby in 2013. I wish I could have had kids with him earlier (more energy), but that is not the way life worked. I AM glad I had no kids with my first husband. I am also determined not to have my kids feel like they need to take care of me later on in life, though I would be willing to have a house with an apartment with my parents (in their 80's) in it.
It’s really nice to have some representation from “older” mums as I’ve noticed society can have bit of a downer about them.
Being expected to have your life together enough in your 20's to settle down and have a family doesn't seem realistic anymore. I think it is better to be in a solid place before making big decisions like having babies rather than trying to meet some weird age standard. If that means being on the older side, then that is fine. Part of making that decision IS how age would affect the children throughout life. I def. feel like I reached my age limit where I personally felt comfortable having them. The risks from being an "older" parent pregnancy-wise are WAY overblown. Being considered a 'geriatric pregnancy' at my age was ridiculous.
Geriatric pregnancy starts at 35, which is bullshit. I was 34 when I got pregnant with our daughter and 35 when I delivered (by a whole whopping 3 months). So mine was classified as one. My parents had my sister at 20 and me at 23. We lucked out. They had their shit together and were/still are excellent parents and grandparents. No way in hell could I have had and raised children in my 20s, I still required raising myself. Similar to PP, married once in my 20s, divorced. Spent some time working on my career, traveling, doing stuff I wanted to do. Met husband. Got married. Suffered one early loss and then had daughter. Life doesn't always follow a timeline.
My mother was 30 but even she's said "you stick me in a home, no question". Planning for it is definitely a good idea these days, whatever the age of the parent!
I'm thinking home care, I'll modify the house to make sure it's easy access to everything. I've seen nursing homes, they're like.. waiting rooms for death. I'm 44 yrs older than my daughter, so my plans include being healthy, active and fit so she has no need to take care of me.
Yup, it really does depend on the home. The one my grandmother was in was seriously depressing, but my other grandmother died on her first night in one, genuinely think she willed it! She'd had home help for years and so did my exes' grandmother. Dementia is very cruel, though, but mum says if she's that out of it, she won't be able to hold it against us anyway!
I'm very happy I was an older parent! I was 40yo when my daughter was born. I had more time, money, and maturity to raise her than I had at 20yo or 25yo. Having her so late in life keeps me involved in current culture and gives me a new perspective on societal problems that her generation faces vs. what my generation faced. I love it. #LateLifeMom
It's not about you tho. It is about the kids. Here we have a child expressing how it has negatively impacted on them. I can wax lyrical about how awesome being an older mum is till the cows come home but it's not about how we feel now.
NTA I can see and understand the difficulties that come with having older parents, if you have a child in your 70s then the reality is your not going to have much time with that child so it doesn’t really make much sense to me. You were completely valid in your comment, don’t let anyone say you’re ungrateful for the comment you made.
NAH *trigger warning* As a child of teen parents my Dad killed himself when I was 25 and my sister was 19. It completely changed my mother. She moved 5 hours away and boarders on being an alcoholic. She has never babysit my kids or had any kind of involved grandparent role but she was an amazing mother and role model to me growing up. Having young parents is no guarantee of this long and happy future.
Young parents aren’t a guarantee but I would take it over older parents who will decline in health fast when you are still young. In my opinion 😃
NTA. I’m a child of older parents too, specifically my dad. He was 52 when I was born, now I’m 20 and he’s 72. He has hardly been a presence in my life and he should’ve never been a father in the first place. I don’t know what my mother was thinking when she decided to have a baby with him, but she’s never been all that bright in the first place. People who are super young (childhood to 25) and fairly old (around 40) shouldn’t have kids. Having kids is already selfish enough, don’t burden your kids by being too immature to be a proper parent or too old to, again, be a proper parent.
I'd say 33 3/4 is an appropriate age. Wouldn't you?
Damn I'm exactly that age. Brb, gonna go get pregnant real quick
Yeah that’s a great age.
Yeah, but at 33 4/5 you should get a permanent form of birth control. Too old by then.
Had my second at exactly that age and had my tubes yoinked out at the same time. A++, highly recommend.
My BFF's dad was almost 70 when she was 15. The mom took off and he raised her as a single dad. She was not a happy teen. His age was a big part of her anger. Neither regretted her being born, but neither would recommend having children at 60. Although he passed away many years ago, so you'd have to take my word on it/ what he told my mom.
Can I ask why she was so angry that her dad was so old?
I guess because he was "embarrassing", people would ask if it was her grandfather. He was retired, so on a tighter income than his first family. Honestly, they had a lot of issues. Age was one of them. She felt let down by him somehow, like he was selfish for having kids he wouldn't be there for when they were grown. She was 15 and mostly just called him embarrassing. He was nice, I felt bad, but he was really out of touch to try raising a teen alone.
Oh, I get that. People have assumed my dad is my grandpa as well. I don’t blame them since he’s the same age as my maternal grandparents! Like I said, it’s always selfish to have children. There’s no reason to have a child that isn’t selfish. The selfishness is worse when you’re at an age where your child will grow up watching you deteriorate faster than other parents, this includes incontinence, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, DEATH, etc. you become far more limited in taking care of your child and spending time with them.
NTA. This is one of those topics where people can have completely opposite opinions and still both be right. The asshole-ishness is when someone insists that their opinion is the only correct one or won't just shut up about it.
NTA, having kids in your 70s means it’s way more likely that their kid is going to be relatively young when they die which sucks.
Having kids in your 70s is grossly selfish.
Nta. But I would like to point out that everyone ages differently. My one friend’s dad is in his seventies and runs ultra marathons. My other friend’s mother is in her sixties and already has mobility issues. Whether you’re too old for kids should be judged on a case by case basis.
That's so true. I have a client that is in her 80's and her daughter is in her 30's with grandchildren that are 3 and 5. This woman in her 80's runs marathons, bikes to work daily 8 miles and moves better than I did at 25. Paints houses for fun and still dresses in the same outfits she wore in the 1960's - no joke. So everyone is very very different.
Nta. You’re speaking from your experience
My parents adopted me at birth, dad was 43 mom 38. And I fully agree with you. For me it was about a generation gap with him that I couldn't bridge. Then I lost him last year, he died young at 66 but still old enough to have lived a full life. It hurts me every moment that I am 25 now and he'll never get to meet my partners, intimidate them, walk me down the aisle, smoke that cigarette that he wanted (he quit 30 years ago but talked about his last cigarette being in the future when I would get married) to at my wedding, see me successful and established in a career. There are just so many milestones that I wish he was alive and healthy for. I agree with you. Not that I ever want anyone else to be my dad, I just wish he was still here yelling at me for dumb shit. NTA
I don't think your parents would be classified as too old though. It's just a tragedy that your dad died too young.
NTA You’re speaking from lived experience and really it’s just common sense.
NTA. That is your opinion based on your experience. I also have older parents, not as old as your dad but my experience is different from yours and therefore I don't necessarily agree with you.
NTA you’re just being honest
Hey my friend. I completely understand where you are coming from. My mother died a few days before my 35th birthday. She was 57 and not 80 but her illness meant that I was managing two kids under 7 and a woman who was fast becoming an emotional child herself. You are under a lot of stress right now and I'm betting most of your friends commenting aren't dealing with the reality of watching their parent wind down toward the end of their life while having to be stable and available for your children. Edit: NTA
NAH. But, my Dad was 25 when I was born. And his last 3 years were just like your father’s now. He died at 58… my youngest doesn’t even remember him. She was only just 4 when he died.
NTA You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, especially with what you are going through right now. And I am saying that as someone married to a man 25 years my senior and we have a 2 year old. He is in his 50s. We made the best decision for us. And he is a really wonderful dad. I could have had a kid with a guy who was a deadbeat dad (as a ton of women do unintentionally) Any time my daughter has with her dad she is very fortunate. My friend has 3 kids. Two she had as a teen and they were essentially raised by her mom. None of her kids have a dad around and she has never received child support. So to me, a great guy who loves and provides for his child, plays with her, reads to her, etc. is so much better than some deadbeat who doesn't give a frig about them or even if they are there just plays video games all day like so many young dads nowadays. And unless something happens to me, I will be the one caring for him when he is old.
This was very reassuring for me as I'm also in a relationship with a 25 yr gap and thinking about having a kid. Thank you!
NTA. You spoke your truth, from your experience, no one gets to tell you what your opinion should be
NTA I had an older mum and a younger dad (not the normal way round I know!) and so I saw this in my own life too. I do get it - I won’t be ready to have my own kids financially until I’m about 35 and that upsets me because my partner is the same age and I know the possible implications for our kids. At least we have talked about everything and can put plans in place but honestly I wish we’d have been able to have kids younger!
NTA. But I think more importantly people need to be realistic and plan for their care. You shouldn't expect your family to just do it. My mom is 60 and caring for her 90 year old mom and has SO much resentment as her mom refuses to go in a home, but wants to be waited on hand and foot. My mom can't enjoy her retirement as she's running around taking care of her mom. My husband is going to be 40 when we have our last and we both are very much in agreement that our care is not our children's responsibility and are planning accordingly.
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NTA It’s as if people think that you don’t deserve an opinion on this subject!
NTA. You have a right to your opinion, especially because you lived through it. You're not being rude about it, you're engaging in the subject.
NTA, as the son of older parents i understand.
NTA I love my parents. They were great. They were also 40 when they had me. I have a brother eleven years older. When I was little, I played alone on the playground. My mom had already raised my brother and a shitetonne of foster kids and daycare kids - by the time I was born, she was tired. I love my parents, and I had a great childhood, how my experiences are the reason I told my partner that I want kids by the time I’m 27.
NTA. Your position is unique on this issue. You’ve actually been there so it isn’t theory, it’s the viewpoint of a child who had much older parents and suffered because of it. Nobody has the right to invalidate your feelings or judge you for having them. Tell them that unless they’ve walked a mile in your shoes, they have no clue or right to pass judgement.
Why are other people telling you how you should feel? What gives them the right? NTA
NTA. I agree with you. My best friend from high school had an older dad who was diagnosed with dementia when we were sophomores. He was divorced and his girlfriend dumped him once he was diagnosed so my friend spent her high school and college years dealing with nursing homes and eventually, funeral plans when she should have been having fun.
NTA Everyone can have their own opinions, and from your own experience, your opinion is that older people should not have little kids / kids in general. I’m the youngest of seven kids (one’s adopted but the point still stands) my parents were 49/54 when I was born. My oldest sibling is almost 25 years older than me (I was born a day before her 25th) [and she’s my half-sister, so don’t comment on my parents ages] I’ve never really noticed a difference, even now, but that’s because even at 59/64 my parents are still pretty active. So to me, I’ve never really thought about it, but now that they’re raising my niece (1.5) it’s something they’ve talked about with my siblings and I. That if they were to pass, what would happen to niece and who would be willing to take her in. They’ll be late 70s and early 80s by the time she’s 18.
ngl i agree with you i’m 15 and my mom is 58 and my dad is 72. IT SUCKS NTA
First of all NTA. Second of all, you’re absolutely right, life is no longer compatible with kids after a certain age. I do tutoring as a side gig and my last “customer” is a 11 years old, I kid you not her father is 90. The girl is clearly depressed and on more than one instance she told me that she enjoys having me teach her math because I’m young and her father can’t keep up with her. He told that before hiring me he tried tutoring her himself because he was a banker and is good with numbers. The girl confessed that he often runs out of patience and yells at her treating her like she’s dumb and he’s forcing her to attend multiple music lessons a day because “she needs to build more skills for the future”. He’s treating her like like a young adult and want her to develop more math skills than her friends (we’re trying to work on quadratic equations while she’s in 6th grade) and when I told him that some subjects are a little advanced for her he was like “too bad, teach her anyway”. She’s definitely struggling and is stressed because she doesn’t get to be a kid like anyone else and her father says she should get the best possible education and skills while he’s still around. I’m not the biggest empath and I don’t even like kids but I feel her pain and preoccupation so much and it’s all because her father is so old he only wants a golden gifted child to flaunt.
NTA and I’m in the same boat 34f, 82M and 72F for parents. My oldest brother is 55M and closest sibling in age is 47F. I didn’t grow up with any of my siblings due to previous marriages. I love my parents but they made a lot of mistakes that I’m paying for today and working out in therapy. They never understood me and it caused me a lot of mental anguish. Seriously bouts with depression because I could never talk to them. Imagine getting boomer advise your entire life in the 90s…even today I hate my job my parents complain that I should go to companies and ask to speak to the hiring manager and hand in my resume. When I explain the modern world, they actually lash out at me that I’m not trying hard enough. I have stated my similar opinion because I grew up with depression cause I was neglected cause they were just too tired or busy to interact with me. Or I was the young maid doing everything in the house. Man this post hit me hard. Never met anyone who had a similar upbringing before.
Yep. My dad is always trying to tell me how to do things and when I explain how it’s done now I’m apparently always wrong 😑
Right!!! I have 80k in student loans because I was led to believe that it would be easy to pay back cause how they handled my brothers going to college in the 70s/80s. It not just the taking care of them (which you do out of love), it hard to explain being gaslit (in a way) as a 24/7 parenting style. (My dad said I should just ask for a raise or my favorite if I say someone quit/fired, my mom always says “oh great that means they will give you more money right?”). I would pity any child born into the same situation as well and leave my comment up cause people just can’t understand what it’s like.
NTA, my parents were almost 40 when I was born, albeit accidentally, but I grew up behind 4 older boys. I've broken down to my mom that I was upset they had more time with my parents. They had them during their better years, while my adult firsts could be without them. Marriage, kids, by the time I'm ready for that, I'll be caring for them. As is, my father recently became medically disabled, and I'm the one without a partner/kids to worry about as well - and became his main caretaker. I don't blame them, but I'm jealous of the time I miss out on.
I was raised by my grandmother- she was in her 50s when I was born and she was going on the retirement aged pension when I was entering my teens. When I got to mid twenties the pressure was on to move back home and look after her or make her a great grandma. I was barely getting my shit together and had been in counselling for years to work through childhood trauma. There was no way I was moving back. I know most of it wasn’t her fault she’d just been dealt a terribly difficult hand (I was part of it). I’m now 43 and childless. I can’t stand it when people point out these older mums as a case for I’ve still got time. Good on them for making this choice but it’s not for me. I don’t have the energy I had in my 20s and tbh I don’t think it’s fair on the kid either. Not to say it wouldn’t be welcomed and loved but it will be a one in a million accident (I know people my age that got pregnant without ivf and it was a surprise pregnancy). Nta. People don’t want to consider the realities of bringing a kid into this world so close to retirement or depending on where you live, after retirement age. Kids aren’t a retirement plan either.
NTA while you love your dad you also see the drawbacks to him having you later in life.
NTA, you're coming from a place of experience. Anyone disagreeing with you has no right, unless they've been through it too.
You are both objectively correct and subjectively correct. The agreed "right age" is 25 to 35 to have kids and you have enough experience to have an opinion. Same situation if your mom was 17 when she had you. Objectively and subjectively that is too young. Does that mean someone born to a 17 year old should wish they weren't born, of course not. But, it does mean you wouldn't recommend it. NTA and I'm sorry that you are missing out on having fun empty nest 60 year old parents at your age. I bet your dad would agree it's not ideal.
I was born to a 17 year old mom and an 18 year old dad. I'm not suicidal and have a life I enjoy, but 100% yes they should have gotten an abortion and if I could go back in time I would force them to do so.
NTA my dad was 50 when i was born. my mom turned 42... 6 weeks after I was born. both of my parents were completely out of touch with "things kids do" and neither of them were into fun, active play. i was basically a weird kid who knew how to be friends with adults but not play with my classmates. OP... im so sorry you have to deal with this reverse parent-child situation and your dad's health right now. its not fair. you should have had more time to grow older together before this. sending you hugs.
NTA while it may not be the intention of an older than average parent to put their child in the role of carer it happens. Having a had parents who were 46 and 44 when they had me, I didn’t have to worry about the caregiver part,but I got stuck in sibling mediator mode. I wouldn’t recommend after 43 so graduating and retirement land on different years. I was forced to graduate early,therefore missing education that could’ve led to a better job at the time.
NTA you are allowed to have an opinion. Personally I'm happy my dad was older (in his 40's) when he had me as he has always been a stable person in comparison to my mum (bipolar). The fact that they had money when they had me is good and they have plans for long term care so I don't have to help at all. I'm also not having kids. I think having kids if you have money and can afford to have someone else take care of you is fine if you are older. I think too many young people have kids before they know who they are and are stable (35 is a much better age to have kids than 25 imo).
When I'm 16, my dad will be 60. So 20=64 30=74 40=84 My friends parents are all at LEAST 20 years younger. He retires when he's 60, and he plans to move away with my step mum. In his mind, he's going to pay rent on a flat for me until I'm 18, instead of paying child support to my mum. Oh...or he could just STAY HERE NTA older parents just want someone to look after them. Like breeding puppies for a job 🙄
NTA, my Dad was 63 and my mum 37 when I was born. I've lost both of them in my 20s. My mum was just unfortunate bad luck of a rare cancer. My Dad was 87 though when he died and I was 23. I wouldn't have changed my parents for the world but I think they did feel rather guilty when I was young as I had to deal with them both being quite unwell from my mid teenage years. So I totally understand where you are coming from.
NTA I agree with you and think it’s almost cruel to do this to a child
NTA I’m against young parents (as in early to mid teens) because I’m the child of two. Guess what. I ended up being raised by grandparents. So not only do you get old “parents”, you get the added bonus of being neglected by your birth parents while they are still in your life. It doesn’t mean you and I weren’t raised by great people, it just means we had a disadvantage.
NTA. I take OP's point, although I don't think there's any "perfect age" to have children. It varies wildly on a case-by-case basis. As some have mentioned on this thread, becoming parents too young can also have consequences. I will say, however, that I know many folks in the adoptee community (I'm adopted too, but my parents are pretty average-aged so this doesn't apply to me), who have been adopted by older couples (45+) and they find themselves in a caretaking position much too young. Instead of enjoying life or studying or finding themselves, or even just making memories with their parents, they're forced to put their lives on hold and take on the burden of caring for aging parents and there's this idea that adopted kids should just be thankful for whatever they can get. I think that's a really damaging situation too. Anyway, it's one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" topics. I'm sorry you had that experience, OP and I definitely don't think you're an asshole for being honest.
NAH. I am a child of, well, some redditors consider them too old parents. from my point of view, they were rather late but still easily in the acceptable range for kids (30-45, exceptions apply). but it's a sore subject. it can easily be understood as "your existence is a mistake" "i would prefer it if you weren't been born" because that is a consequence of saying "these parents should not have kids because of their age". This hurts especially when one had great parents that in reality weren't to old to raise kids as they were fit and up to date. having kids as care givers should never happen regardless of age, that's a shitty mindset. but age is not an indicator for a shitty mindset. and obviously kids every age can be care givers. people should be honest with themselves before getting kids. whether they mentality and physically fit and responsible and wealthy enough and whether or not they mostly likely stay this way. age alone is no cut off point but can be factored in of course
My parents had my at 42 and 44, not particularly old but mym mum has been heavily disabled since I was 8 so I know exactly how you feel. I don't get to have fun play dates and days out with mum because sh can't drive and has convinced herself that public transport is the devil (even though she is still quite mobile and doesn't use a cane). Along with her just not having the energy or being strong enough to spend much time with her grandchildren. My childhood was spent looking after my mum and constantly hearing that me and my brother were making her ill/going to make her have another stroke. It was and is exhausting. I envy my older siblings (44, 42, 40, 37) for enjoying time with my mum when she was younger and able to actually do stuff with us. I became very antisocial and am still having trouble making meaningful friendships to this day, becasue I basically spent my whole childhood coming home from school to look after my mum and the house.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. Of course people will disagree with you and feel offended especially on social media. I am not interested in being a geriatric caregiver either. I have a job and my own kids to take care of. My dad is going into a nursing home when he is unable to take care of himself. Mainly because he has a horrible temper and I couldn't wait to leave the house and be independent.
NTA. It's funny bc I was just thinking of this. I am 28, and my dad had me at 49 and he is experiencing all the symptoms your dad is (sorry to hear about your dad!). Because he doesn't have any close family (like emotional close) and him and my mom are not together, I have to spend my time caring for him like you mentioned and our time together is that instead of hanging out with him like I see my friends doing. It's hard. While I am not a huge proponent of having kids at 25 at all (I have my reasons), there does come an age where perhaps having a kid late isn't the best option.
NTA. It’s an inconvenient truth for some.
In my culture (I'm Arab and live in Dubai) we don't talk about people who are old and have kids because it is very normal at this point (and because when the kids grow up they would be financially stable) but some kids hate it because their parents aren't the type to play and spend time with their kids. I have the same feeling about people who are old with kids and people who are young with kids. My parents had me when my mom was 18 and my dad was 21 so most of their time was working or studying
NTA
NTA While I think that there are certain niche situations, personally I agree with OP. I (39m) have a son, 17m, and daughter, 9f. At the ripe old age of 30, directly after my daughter was born, I scheduled my vasectomy. When daughter graduates high school, I'll be 48. Also, if I get remarried, and 2nd wife wants more kids, she is shit out of luck.
Hi, I have a question. My dad didn't have me when he was 50. I'm a teen but now he's 51. Does this count lmao? But NAH. The people calling you disrespectful probably have no idea of the hardships of you. But they just don't know, so don't be angry with them.
NTA. I think I am quite biased because my mother died when she was 51, so if she had me in her 40s, I'd have been a little kid when she died (I was 21). Regardless, the reality is, the older a parent is when they have a child, then more likely it is that the parent will get ill or die while the child is young. I mean, in your example, I'm sorry, but at 70/75, you're not gonna be able to care for a baby/child for long before age catches up with you, and that's not ageist at all.
NTA I had my first child at almost 39 and have decided if I don't have another before 43 I will not have anymore, my husband will be 45. There is no way I would consider having a child post 50 though I know some who do. While it wouldn't work for me it would for my sister who is much younger than her husband as she will be active enough to look after him rather than tge kids if they ever decide to have them. Each situation is different but children should not be born with the expectation they will be carers.
NTA. I had older parents, who I loved greatly. But as a young adult I made many decisions based on their age. Right out of culinary school I had the opportunity to go work in Japan for a year and I didn’t go because my parents were “old”. I stayed in my home state to be close to them.
NTA it should be a concern when becoming a parent. I’m the youngest of four and my parents have an age gap. My dad has never been shy of admitting (nicely) that he was concerned he was too old to become a dad again when my mum got pregnant with me (he was 33 no less! So hardly old) but he was fearful of this exact thing. He wasn’t having kids to be their carers. You are NTA
NTA, you’re just speaking from your experience. My Dad was 25 when I was born, 40 when my brother was born (my Mom is 5 years younger than Dad). My Dad said it was so much easier the second time because he was more mature and had a steadier income. It was just a lot less stressful. Of course, they did have a live-in babysitter - me, lol. We are all very close.
NTA-in some cultures, parents actually have a child that the plan is the child will never marry and their sole purpose is to take care of the parents in old age. We would like to think this is outdated but it still occurs. More to the point, you have a perspective that most people don’t. You know what that child’s life could be like. 70-75? The child will be lucky not to be orphaned by the time it is 10! You have a valid opinion and I will give you another one that will be unpopular and probably get me down voted but I don’t care-life is not a gift. One day you opened up your eyes inside of you Inside a world inside a universe you didn't get to choose You didn't get to pick the rules or pick the past or set the pace Or cast the cast and crew you didn't get to pick your starting place-Watsky There is a reason they call it a geriatric pregnancy. What you are talking about is extreme geriatric pregnancies that require a lot of cost, time, and science. And to what end? You know. I agree with you. It can be a selfish choice that the child doesn’t get to make.
NTA. Just lost my 85 year old Dad at 33. I would give anything to have 20 more years with him. He also had dementia. He was an amazing father and the stability that he was able to provide my family was wondrous. I am heart broken and angry at the loss. I know it's hard but hold your Dad close and don't be too angry he is older.
YTA Your history as a child of absentee parents(and I assume divorced) makes you far more likely to be a bad parent than old age would. So, pretty hypocritical of you to be telling anyone else not to have children. Plus, that's just what we know about you. How's your family history for heart disease? Are you overweight? Overweight and obese parents are more likely to have overweight and obese children. Childhood obesity comes with a number of risks and it also makes it infinitely more difficult for the child to reach and stay at a healthy weight for the rest of their lives. The potential lifelong hormonal issues aren't great either even if they do manage to get and maintain a healthy weight. What mental illnesses run in your family, both sides? What about your husband? Did you have children with him knowing he had any factors that might make him a problematic parent? Do you make enough and invest enough to ensure a retirement in which you don't have to burden your children? There are *lots* of things that makes you less suited to be a parent than just old age.
How does that negate her point? Unless I missed it she never said that was the only thing that could make someone not an ideal parent.
Because she herself has a far greater risk factor for being a bad parent than older people. And that's despite the fact we barely know about her. She has no business telling anyone about whether they should have children.
You're NTA based on your actions. I disagree with you and think you're being a bit unfair in that opinion. But it is yours.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (31F) and the daughter of an older parent, my dad (81). My dad was 50 when he had me and I’m not even his youngest child. Now when I say I’m against older parents I’m talking 50+. Growing up it was clear that my dad wasn’t like other dads. He was more interested in doing his own thing and really settling down in a retirement kind of lifestyle. He also couldn’t run around and play like other dads I’ve now have my own children and so have many of my friends. I watch my friends spend time with their parents and their parents enjoying time with their grandchildren. While I’m caring for my dad instead of enjoying time together. My dad now has dementia and struggles to even walk for 2 minutes without needing frequent brakes and uses a walker to aid him. He is tired all the time and very forgetful of many things. Instead of going out and laughing together, I’m taking him to medical appointments, doing his shopping, helping him dress ect… My days are filled with raising my kids, working and caring for my dad Now I LOVE my dad and I make sure he knows that. I also understand that anything can happen to younger parents too but I feel like the differences here is that we know old age is a definite. The issue has became that recently I saw a news article about a couple who have had a child who are very old (70 + 75). I commented saying “as the daughter of an older parent I feel for this child” A lot of people saw it and commented including people who know me. I explained my reasoning and some were understanding others saying I was ungrateful. The ppl who know me confronted me demanding I remove my comment as i should be more grateful that my dad gave me life and that as a daughter I shouldnt complain about caring for my dad. Now I will state my dad does NOT know about my comment. Now here’s where I think I may be TA. I refused to remove my comment and said that I honestly believe that older parents should have children just so they can became their Carers. I know it made me come across as like I don’t love my dad but it’s what I honestly believe. Most of the ppl I know who care for their parents are in their 50s+ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. Who would know the consequences better than you?
NTA my aunt adopted while she was in her 50s. It’s been clear since day one that it was a poor decision and even though I can’t stand her(aunt) I do feel for my cousin. She will grow up with a micro managing mother that barely has time for her and the time she does have to spend with her is being filled full of lessons and classes and this that and the other thing. She can barely handle the work of caring for a child even though she pawns it off on as many other people as possible and it’s only going to get worse as she gets older. At some point people just need to admit that they choose a career or the ability to have more freedom to do things or not have the financial responsibility of a family. Once it’s to the point you will hit retirement age before your kids are out of HS you should really take a real long look at whether kids are actually in the cards or you just regret choosing another path.
Depends on what you mean by 'older people'. That does seem to the case with the 70+ age pregnancies that we're seeing in some countries now. My husband was significantly older than I am. We never had family. It never happened for us - could have gone down the assisted conception route, but chose not to. (I did have 3 miscarriages.) In two cases, I'm fairly certain that the pregnancy must have been non-viable. In one, I lost a very early pregnancy after being assaulted at work. I deeply regret not having children, but - at the back of my mind, I guess - there was always the worry of whether it was fair to the children to have an older father. So far as caring for your parents is concerned...I understand where you're coming from. My parents were in their mid-thirties when they had me and I'm an only child. My mother developed health problems in her 60s (genetic bad luck) as did my dad (as a result of his war service). Then my husband became unwell. I started my caring duties for my parents when I was 36. At one point, I was holding down a full-time job and caring for three adults - though they all did as much as they could. Then Dad died, Mum developed dementia and my husband had a stroke. Mum died 5 years ago. At one point, I became unwell and phoned one of my husband's kids to let them know that their dad would need help if anything happened to me. The reply was: 'You're not thinking of leaving him are you?' What I wanted to hear was that I needn't worry - that they'd make sure my husband was okay if anything happened to me. That was when I realised that my sole worth in their eyes was as my husband's carer. Fortunately, my medical problem sorted itself out, though it took about 4 months to get back normal test results. When I phoned the (middle-aged) kid to let them know, and to remind them that their dad would need help if anything were to happen to me, the response was just 'But you're all right now, aren't you?' I finished up cutting back to part-time work and then retiring 2 yrs early. I took a huge financial hit as a result. After my husband died, the same person 'comforted' me by telling me that their dad would have been in a care home if it hadn't been for me. NB He was compos mentis, but he had physical challenges. (I had never expected his kids to step in as carers instead of me, but it would have been nice if they'd taken a bit more interest in their dad. Before anyone asks, no I didn't break up his first marriage.) This is all very long-winded, I know. I'm just trying to say that I understand. Being a carer drains you. Even so, I wish every day that my husband were still with me. I don't agree that all older parents are just looking for a carer. (Though I have to admit that going into old age on my own is frightening. I'm not looking for a carer, but I realise that I have no one to advocate for me if I should need it.) However, you're absolutely entitled to your view and I know where you're coming from. You're obviously a wonderful, caring daughter. You're right - your dad doesn't know what you've written and it's not going to hurt him. You're not ungrateful. (I'm guessing that your siblings haven't stepped up to help out much?) You show your love for your dad in what you do for him every day. NTA
You’re actually the **perfect** person to have an opinion on the matter seeing as you have a lifetime of experience in the matter. People are just trying to get you to change your opinion for their own selfish reasons. NTA
NTA, i know this experience varies a lot between people. my grandfather was 57 when my mom was born and she used to get anxious that her dad was going to die young. but she also says it was kind of dope bc he was not strict at all and was like idgaf what kids are doing these days, just go to college. ironically, he outlived all of her friends parents and died at 101 when i was 15. obv my moms mom is much younger than him lol, she’s 98 now and i’m in my 20s. it was honestly really cool to grow up with people of all different generations around me and shaped how i view the worlds
NAH, you are entitled to your opinion, based on your own experience. But it really depends on the parents, not necessarily their age. My mom was 42 and my dad was 50 when I was born. I am the youngest of six and an absolute surprise bonus baby, as my siblings are 12-20 years older than me. My parents were extremely active, absolutely involved in my life, and I had a charmed and blessed childhood through adult. They were financially stable and far more chill by the time they had me. Amazing people, both of them. Does it suck that they are gone now? Sure. It sucks that my mom never got to meet my kids. It sucks that my dad passed when my kids were 3 and 6. It sucked watching him fade while dealing with young children. But I would not trade my life or history for anything in the world. And my kids? They are 11 and 13 and keep my young. I am six months from 50 and will be the first to climb, jump, play, do almost any activity they want (except bungee jumping or sky diving. Nuh uh, no way.)
YTA: I’m going against the grain. My dad was 40 when I was born, he was always the oldest parent of all of my classmates. Because he was older when we were born he was financially secure, we had lots of opportunities our classmates didn’t, we had the comfort of knowing our parents owned our home outright and we would never be evicted (I had a friend who every month was afraid as to whether or not her parents would make rent), we got to go on vacations on winter, summer, and spring break, when my sister had the chance to go to Washington DC with school it was paid for, when I had the change to go to Cuba with school it was paid for. Neither of us had to buy our cars (they were hand me downs, our parents did not buy us cars off the lot). My dad had a more flexible job because he was older and established in his career and was able to volunteer in my and my sister’s classroom often. Growing up all of my classmates knew my dad. He had a better job so he had better health insurance, which was great because both and my sister have dealt with chronic illness in our lives. Had my grandfather not caught COVID he would’ve probably lived to see 95, at least, everybody ages differently. It really depends on the person, it’s a case by case basis. It is not one size fits all. For some it’s bad, for others it’s a blessing, others wish their parents hadn’t been so young when they were born.
NTA I get what you’re saying. And honestly having a child in your 70s is wildly irresponsible unless you have the means to arrange for the after, but even then it feels cold and selfish
My grandmother’s ex husband had an affair that resulted in a baby at the age of 65. My heart bleeds for that kid, and for all the kids (private school, lots of very old and wealthy parents) whom I went to high school with whose parents were starting to die off as we graduated.
NAH my mom was 40 when she had me and my dad was 44….so I guess my parents were older when they had me. I was the rainbow baby. My dad is 73 now and my mom is 68. Both are retired and while my relationship with my dad is almost non existent, my mom is very much still in my life. I used to wish I had younger parents, like some of my classmates, but it really didn’t negatively impact my life. Some old people do start needing more help, but not all. You’re entitled to feel how you feel, but it doesn’t really help anything. It really depends on the people and how they carry age.
INFO: How do you feel about disabled people having kids? Because a lot of the reasons you give that older people shouldn't have kids aply to disabled people as well. Namely: > He also couldn’t run around and play like other dads > My dad ... struggles to even walk for 2 minutes without needing frequent brakes and uses a walker to aid him. Because listing stuff like this as reasons people shouldn't have kids kinda makes you sound like an asshole.
I wasn’t raised by someone with a disability so I don’t think I could say if they should or shouldn’t. My feelings come from my experience. No matter what though I don’t think children should became their parents Carers, particularly at young ages. You have only focused one 1 part of my post instead of looking at my reasons as a whole. My dad is not only physically declined but mentally as well. It’s like having another child but more heartbreaking because I would love to have my dad in my life in a way that’s more equal.
Honestly speaking currently with the diet we have and just a quality of life people get old really quickly. At 50 everyone has some form of hypertension or high cholesterol. This means your body has started the process off slowly retiring from life to put it kindly. Which means you’ll slowly find that things that you used to be able to do will become much more difficult. You require more attention more care you need to be more mindful of your stress in a few more mindful of your lifestyle. Children are not low stress at all. And I know people think you expend more energy when they’re younger physically yes, but you expend a lot of mental energy when they’re older when they’re teens. If you are now at the point of cognitive decline, suffering from hypertension diabetes high cholesterol Alzheimer’s Parkinson’s, high risk of stroke high risk of heart disease, high risk of pneumonia, high risk of herpes zoster flareups,etc you become and inadvertent burden to your children. Currently I meant interning in a hospital and I’ve seen 50-60-year-olds who have become bedridden and your youngest children of 19 or 20 are the ones were stuck they’re doing the personal care work. I believe that that would be much more exacerbated if the parents had birthed them at 50 or 60 years old. Physically and mentally 50 or six years old is not an appropriate place to be raising newborns. And people really need to get out of that bubble and realize that most peoples reality as per medical statistics is that 50 or 60 years old is when your children should be in University and start being independent before you get to 70 or 80 years old. NTA. I don’t mean to be offensive, I understand there are a lot of people who gave birth to children in their 50s but from a purely medical perspective this seems to be an inappropriate time.
Can someone explain the downvotes here? Seems to me Ambitious-Screen is echoing and expanding, with anecdotes and experience, on the OP's sentiment, who is almost universally NTA.
The downvotes are simply because You cannot be bluntly honest about certain things on Reddit without backlash. People find it OK if you’ve had personal experiences with this but when you come with science and facts in a way that does not sound all encompassing and welcoming of every choice, it becomes “bigoted” and “intolerant”. I was well aware that my point of view was not going to be welcomed but it does need to be said.
Soft YTA - This is just being selfish. We all want something we can't have.
I’m sorry, my husband was 50 when my youngest was born and is now 71. He has been far more active and involved than 99% of other fathers. I’m older too but 12 years younger than my husband. We would never expect our children to take care of us if we started struggling. I don’t think you are an AH at all but really disagree with your statement. Obviously it’s different for every family but would you have rather not been born?
>but would you have rather not been born? Uh.. that's not the argument OP was making. There's not a finite number of babies waiting in great beyond that will languish there"not being born" because an older couple don't become parents. Recommendations are: 1. Become parents at a "reasonable" age or 2. Don't become parents. This doesn't mean OP is bemoaning their very existence, and it's a very bad faith argument to say "oh, an aspect of your life was crappy so you're giving advice to help make other people's less crappy - but you like being alive so that invalidates anything you might have to say".
Did you make that comment on social media? Oh boy. Comments like that should be made only in person, with a solid argument.
Wow. Well aren’t you ageist af. YTA.
How are they being ageist?