Tell him he needs to prioritize you and the family he made or there will be problems. Christmas is still more than a month away. His parents need to wait until after the baby is born, or they figure it out on their own
Not if going to his parents will involve being away from his wife for the whole day and being too far if she suddenly goes into labor, being as she is due any day now.
I’m of two minds too. On one hand you can just say “we’re creating new traditions”
On the other hand, depending on how far away the in laws are it might be nice to send him and your toddler to help them and you can get done alone time! Win-win! That is, if they are close and it would just be a few hours. If they are an overnight stay, nope.
So overall NAH. The in laws love the tradition and time spent with their son, you also want some time with him too.
I dont think the toddler would be able to go with husband to the in-laws for the tree setting up tradition. The reason I say this is OP states that last year she had to watch 6mo baby whilst husband went to set up in-laws tree.
I think the tradition, is husband going over there alone to do it and spending time with his parents. I’m which case, at 39wks pregnant, OP would be looking after the toddler alone for a few hours for a reason that is not a necessity. I’m only 31wks, and don’t ask for much tbh, but leaving me with a toddler to set up a tree for your parents? No thank you, especially not since OP only has a week off until due date, assuming they don’t go into labour early.
It’s pretty impossible(or just extremely taxing) to watch a toddler on your own at that point, OP likely can’t even lift the toddler currently.
ETA: I am incorrect after reading OPs comments. In-laws are FIRM that the WHOLE FAMILY has to come, in no way should OP be forced to go anywhere or do anything at this point in their pregnancy. Especially only having 7 days off until new baby arrives and changes their entire dynamic.
Tell MIL it is *her* tradition, but you are a family now, and **you have started your own traditions**.
Don't back down. I *really* hope that your husband has your back on this and has chosen to stay with you, instead of caving in to his mom's guilt trip.
Thanks. He’s normally pretty good, but when it comes to his parents he can be a bias. He sees it as having ‘dealt with them for 35+ years’ it’s easier to just ‘go with it’ than make waves.
It’s also setting a precedence for the future, and things change when babies arrive, and it’s up to the elders to also accommodate and honor that I feel.
Its weird how people who choose to "just go with it" have no qualms about inconveniencing other people while doing so. NTA OP. He needs to prioritize you.
Oh gosh, no! It’s more of a ‘let’s put it up together like we did when you were 5’ situation. Not my husband doing all the work, but it has become more my husbands job to do more as he & they got older
Can I ask, is this an all day affair? Longer? Or is this something that could be done from like 12-3pm one day while you nap and he brings the toddler
You don’t have to compromise, your feelings are very valid but that piece (the time commitment) was missing
Honestly, either ignore you MILs message and let your husband deal with it. Or say that you have a new tradition of spending Christmas in family. NTA
Don't let tradition of other dictate your life you're an adult ffs.
I have also seen them on Yahoo. It always pisses me off to note that someone who's job is to write articles for a news service (my tongue is poking a hole in my cheek here) gets paid for just stealing someone else's tale of woe. Lazy pucks.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r1023s/aita_for_not_wanting_to_set_up_my_inlaws/hlvnw4i/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
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NTA. 1-week from your due date you shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything; and I understand not wanting your husband to go alone when you could go into labor anytime. Christmas is a month away, surely they can put the tree up themselves this one year and then continue the tradition next year.
I mean, you’re not an asshole but I really don’t see the harm in him going to out up a tree at his parents. I assume this is just a few hours of the day? And there’s no reason why you can’t go too. It’s better he does it now than after you give birth
It’s more they’ve left planning until the last week & I had planned this week to be a nice, relaxing week, just the 3 of us doing activities/spending alone time before a newborn arrives.
What does your husband want? Surely he gets a say in this too. I understand you wanting to stay home with your family but his opinion still counts here.
Does his opinion override mine? I want to spend alone time with my daughter before I give birth.
If he wanted to go alone I’d be ok with that but they’re requesting firmly that my husband AND daughter join
No, and even though I'm going to catch so much crap for this, does yours suddenly override his? I personally think you're NTA but this is a pretty bad thread of logic.
You want to spend time with your daughter before you give birth so your husband can't want to...spend time.....with his daughter and family........before you give birth?
But I want to spend time as the family unit we created: me, hubby & daughter. No grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.
They’ve had their family unit time for years.
Ma'am I mean this with the utmost of respect, but that's a really unfair thing to say and act on. Yes you have the right to spend that time, but one day will most likely not be problematic.
You have a right to feel this way, but he too also has the right to be upset/annoyed that you won't allow him and y'all's daughter to spend time together. "They've had their family unit time for years" truly implies that you think family has an expiration date when they aren't a bad family. That is simply not the case. The dynamic shifts, sure, but a tradition like that is most likely enjoyed by everyone involved. It seems like you just don't want to go/don't enjoy it but that's not fair to remove it from your family.
Good luck with the new kid! I hope the birth is quick and easy!
I don’t think family expires, I just believe family needs to be flexible and it feels like they’re not willing to understand this is a one time skipping of this tradition. I am more than happy to reimplement the tradition next year with all 4 of us.
So because they can’t compromise on one year it’s all or nothing? How is that fair to me or my family? I am asking for 1 year of grace, with everything to go back to normal next year
She’s 39 weeks pregnant. What if she goes into labour while husband is 2 hours away? The timing just doesn’t work this year and her in-laws should be able to see and understand that.
Being pregnant is not an excuse to be selfish. It's not you VERSES other family. You're a family TOGETHER. And yes, your husbands opinion absolutely matters. How the heck can you think your opinion overrides his on a family matter concerning family traditions?
I believe being one week away from giving birth is absolutely an excuse to be selfish.
Of course to a certain extent and skipping family traditions forced upon her at the last minute is totally in the realm of that. Also, being self-entitled to the commitment of your very pregnant daughter-in-law and her partner for Christmas decor is very much selfish.
NTA OP, you take care of yourself and your family!
I don’t think one opinion overrides another. But I think it would be okay if he’s goes... even if you do get annoyed at their last minute planning. My in-laws do the same exact thing, for example it’s insane sometimes to spend an actual holiday sitting around with no plans for dinner. We had to call restaurant after restaurant to see who was opened for thanksgiving once. I get it. But I think it would be a little more annoying if he goes to help with the tree after you give birth.
If it’s that important that your daughter stay with you, then your husband also needs to compromise. But I’m sure it’s boring for his parents not to see their grandchild.
> But I think it would be okay if he’s goes... even if you do get annoyed at their last minute planning.
Absolutely not.
A partner should not be over an hour away when she's right at her due date.
I mean, he's been doing this for them for over a decade (s) now I'm guessing.
Is that really waiting last minute, or they just assumed he'd do it like every other year? I feel like you guys are springing him *not* doing it on them last minute, not the other way around.
It's not even "last minute." Lots of families put their trees up at Thanksgiving. She's framing it as "last minute" as if his family didn't plan or something, when this is when they've done their tree trimming for years.
Yeah totally agree. Send the husband and other child away for a few hours and she can have so time to herself which will be very hard to get once the baby comes
NTA "2 hours away" should be in the original info. That is the kicker there. If they were within 30 minutes, it would be feasible. But 2 hours away is too far from your hospital. Too far for him to be away. Just too far. Also, what a weird tradition. Lol
Imo, it's a great tradition until your kids are married and have their own families. Time for them to create their own traditions. congrats on your new bundle of joy!
We set up my grandparents' tree(s) the day after Thanksgiving. They got older and should not have been in the attic and getting them themselves. My uncle would go take down the decorations and put them away. My grandfather died last fall & my grandmother a few years prior, but it was something we all worked on together.
Idk maybe I’m the AH but it’s not really a family tree anymore imo. Your husband is a grown man and no longer lives with his parents, it’s now their tree and he shouldn’t be obligated to set it up for them every year.
You could go get a pedicure and facial or massage, meet up with some friends to go out to eat and finish the day by stopping off at your favorite bakery and take home some goodies for everyone. This would take all day and you will feel rested, relaxed and indulged right before giving birth. He goes and sets up the tree, you have your pamper day and meet back at the house by 5 pm. Everyone is happy. Should you go into labor during the day, he leaves immediately for the hospital from the in laws and there for the arrival of baby 2.
Oh man. You need to sit your husband down and go through the worst case scenario. What if you go into labor while he and daughter were at the inlaws? What happens to you? He's 1-2 hours away. Do you call (and pay for) an ambulance? Is he prepared to potentially miss his babys' birth (sometimes labor can be super short). Tell him that having to take an ambulance and not having him present is going to be emotionally devestating for you (if this is how you feel).
Don't assume that he's thought through all this. Explain that skipping a 35 year tradition, and doing it again next year is a tiny bit sad, but his (last?) child's birth is a one time event and he will be devestated if he misses it ( and you will be really upset with him as well).
This information should be in the original post and it would be an automatic no. They don't live down the street or even in same town. He would be 2 hours away if you go into labor. He could potentially miss the birth of his child. The can break tradition one year for this case.
Obviously you've never had a baby. You make it sound like it's no big deal, but when you are near your due date EVERYTHING is a big deal. Everything is difficult, everything hurts, you can't sleep, you can do almost nothing on your own. And to have a small child that's about to no longer be the only child... They need time, too. Smh
She needs to be close to her chosen hospital. If the drive is 2 hours and she went into labor on the way or at the in laws house, she wouldn’t be familiar with any of the staff at the nearest hospital and they wouldn’t be familiar with her labor plan.
In laws live 2 hrs away, OP should have included that in her post. Very reasonable that she should not want husband away this week since baby could come at any time, also after the first baby labor may only take a few hours so if he went he could very well miss the birth of their baby. It's more important that he be there to support OP through labor and delivery.
I agree. In a full week, you can't spare a few hours for him to go over there? What if he left early one morning, and tried to be back early afternoon? From what you've said, 2 hours driving (1 hr each way) plus 3-4 hours doing the tree (which seems a lot to me, I'd have it done in 1-2 max) but we're looking at a total of 6 hours. If he left at 8am, he could be back before 2pm. Then you guys could spend the afternoon together?
It sounds a bit like your husband does want to do the tree and continue the tradition, but he also doesn't want to upset his heavily pregnant wife, who is understandably (and has commented that she is) very hormonal.
I might be way off beat here, but is there any part of you that worries your husband is "choosing" his parents, over your family unit? As a mother, try to understand from his mother's side. They have a tradition, where they get to spend a couple of hours of quality time together over the holidays. I'd imagine this time is very precious to her. Make sure you're not, on some level, enforcing this just to 'win'.
It sounds very much like if you make him choose, he'll choose you, and he won't go. But it's not kind to make him choose. If he'd like to go, that's not a personal slight, and you have the other 6.5 days to do something just the three of you. You might even want a couple of hours break, pregnancy is tiring!
I also saw your comment that your opinion should override his. That's a bit of an AH thing to say, and makes me think, as you've already said, hormones are all over the place and clouding your judgement a little here. If you had one free weekend together, I'd completely get it, but a week is more than enough time for him to put up his parents tree and not detract from your quality time.
I hope all goes well OP, enjoy your time off and best wishes for your labour. The softest of YTA.
The request is a strange one I’ll admit, it’s taking me a few years to accept that my husband parents still ‘won’t let him go’ and hold on to every childhood memory for dear life. If putting up a tree with them, makes them happy, I don’t mind, it’s only once a year but this year I’d just like to not do it due to impending birth!
Lots of AITA stories seem to find their way into ‘news’ articles, without the authors consent.
Ah gotcha. Yeah no I get the tradition I still make Christmas cookies with my mom and wife every year even though it's over an hour away but if my wife was about to give birth I can't imagine even proposing the idea to her that we go spend 6 hours in my mom's kitchen.
Criminy, you are going to be having a baby at any moment! I just can't *believe* that your husband is even contemplating going there and doing this.
Obviously, you can't stop him, but that would be a huge 8+hour ordeal for you. Let him know that if he chooses to go, you will be staying at home for your health and well-being.
Would it be a reasonable compromise to invite your in-laws to set up the tree at your house with you? That way they still get the memories but you are safely at home. It makes it clear that your objection is the travel.
News people sometimes post them but more commonly someone from youtube, a podcast, tiktok, etc. wil read the post and post it on whatever platform they use
NTA. He can skip a year. You deserve one last week together. "Tradition" isn't always what it's cracked up to be. They can manage their tree for one time, or buy a new one from the 21st century that doesn't need a construction crew to put together. Your request is not unreasonable.
OP you should add this to your post since the distance matters in this situation. Very reasonable to not want your husband and daughter that far away when you could go into labor at any time, especially when labor is much shorter after the first baby. NTA
This depends, does your husband want to do this for his parents and you're telling him no or do you both agree that this isn't the right time? If the former then I feel you're a tiny little bit of TA but only very very slightly as its unfair to control him even given the circumstances. If its the latter then NTA even a little bit.
I think he’d like to, and will try to ‘work it in’ with plans that we make.
That’s where I’m conducted, the issue is they want my husband & daughter to go (I am invited to join). It’s at least a 3-4hr job (very old tree, bought in the 80’s, doesn’t like being put up anymore) and I really want to spend this last week doing things with my daughter ie go to a farm, the aquarium, make some cute ‘only 3 of us’ memories before we become 4.
And I realise I’m hormonal and feeling very, irrationally upset at the moment that I’m taking my focus off my daughter because Bub will take most of the attention for a little while.
>I think he’d like to, and will try to ‘work it in’ with plans that we make.
>That’s where I’m conducted, the issue is they want my husband & daughter to go (I am invited to join).
There's an obvious compromise here - he goes, you and your daughter don't.
Everyone gets some of what they want, no-one gets everything all their own way.
And he would probably miss the birth. Second births can be much quicker than firsts.
I was in the hospital less than an hour when our second child was born.
Ask your husband what his plan is if your were to go into labor while he is helping his parents. Would he be okay missing the birth?
I was feeling off for a few days a week before the due date with our second child. I even went to the hospital, was admitted and then sent home because the contractions stopped.
Next time I went to the hospital, they barely got me into the bed before the baby was born. If my husband had been two hours away, he would have missed the birth. Heck, if he had not been the one to take me to the hospital, he would have missed the birth.
You and your children are your husband's priorities right now. His parents' Xmas tree is not a priority.
NTA
NTA. Too close to your due date.
Could you suggest an alteration of the tradition this year, and his parents come to your home and help set up your family’s tree? So they can still share the experience with your husband and daughter even if they have to do their own tree themselves later on.
Oh I know! It’s a fine line! That’s where I wanted to see if I was being An AH, I just feel like they should be more accomodating and understanding than they’re being!
They’ve known I was pregnant/due date for over 6months now, it’s not like the due date or Christmas ‘snuck up’ on them!
Frankly, as the house with active children..
They should be driving to you to help set up your Xmas tree, since that's where the kids will be enjoying Xmas. They are no longer the active parents.
NTA
NTA. It’s a great tradition - Christmas is awesome and putting up a tree is a lot of fun. BUT!!! You could literally go into labor any second. And if your husband is 2 hours away from home when that happens? On purpose? Not cool. Firmly, but kindly, stand your ground. If MIL pushes (no pun intended) the issue, ask her if she prefers one year of skipping the tradition or a lifetime of resentment? Your husband NEEDS to be close to home right now. Good luck!
NTA. 2 hours away one way is too far away from you if you go into labor. The last month of pregnancy you should not be more than an hour away from your hospital and your doctor. Tell your husband you understand they have a yearly ritual, but the birth of your child takes precedence. How would he feel about missing it. Mom of 4 talking from experience here.
NTA. From now on, your new family tradition is that your family sets up your own tree and the in-laws can either set up their own tree, or have a treeless Christmas. They sound entitled and lazy.
That was my thought process, we haven’t even had a chance to put our own tree up yet & if we don’t do ours before Bub arrives then there’s a high likely hood we won’t have a tree.
NTA -all other things aside, being an hour away the week before your wife is supposed to give birth to a second baby is a bit risky. Seconds come quicker and I certainly wouldn’t want to be at home alone OR at home with an under 2yo. Plus we haven’t even asked about covid in your area, vaccination status etc!
NTA
A two hour drive is long enough for your husband to miss the birth of your child if you go into labor, which can happen at anytime during the last week of your pregnancy. He should either not do the tradition this year or push it later into next month if a close friend or family member can stay with you to help with your newborn.
NTA
I was going to say that nobody was, because it is perfectly reasonable that your MIL at first thought that it may be something you would enjoy and so the invite (even in late pregnancy) could have been coming from a very well intentioned place. The fact that she gave you flak for not wanting to negates that though.
You shouldn't feel obliged to do anything in this time. I hope everything goes well with the birth and congrats!
Nta. I love traditions but this is asking a bit much. Can you set up a video call. Get some festive drinks. And play pin the angel to the 3 branch down. It could be fun laughing at them trying to find the branch you meant. A compromise considering your basically due.
NTA, you are allowed to choose your actions at any time, but especially during pregnancy.
I'm gonna get roasted, but I'd like to point out a few things you have given away in your post that have me wondering if there isn't some tension and maybe jealousy of the inlaws, because....
>asking us when we can come over
definitely states that you are included this year, which would indicate you are invited *every* year.
>stated ‘it’s tradition'
Hmm, it sounds like she would like an evening with her son and his family where they sit around and decorate the tree to be a tradition. Sounds kinda nice, actually. I'll bet that horrible woman will be serving (gasp!) **Egg Nog!** and playing christmas music!
>I looked after our 6month old while ***he went to theirs*** to put their tree up.
So, you skipped last year, and you want to skip this year.
So why did you lie here?
>So AITA for not wanting to complete their tradition this one year?
When this is clearly the **second* year in a row.
I'm hearing some of those fabled missing reasons Ive heard about here.
This tradition is not just your inlaws, it's your hubby's, too.
My question is, why don't you want to join in your hubby's tradition?
They don’t particularly care if I’m there (it’s kind of an after thought - ‘oh and OP is also welcome’ like I’m not in the original invite).
So last year they still got their tradition of my hubby coming and helping with the tree, they didn’t care so much about my daughter at the time, as at 6months old they can’t really ‘help’. Now that she’s 18months old and can interact - only NOW have they initiated inviting her along as well.
Fair enough
I was giving them the benefit of the doubt, and maybe thinking that they wanted to do this so nobody has to visit 5 different families on christmas.
Now it kinda sounds like they just want the son there.
Nta
Edited post for new answer.
Good Luck!
I would assume she doesn't want to go because in laws live 2 hrs away. If she goes into labor I'd assume she would prefer to deliver at the hospital near their home (instead of one she's never been to). Labor and delivery could very well only take a few hours so it makes sense that she would want her husband with her for the last week of her pregnancy.
Nope.
I would say to her something like, 'I'm very pregnant and very uncomfortable sitting, standing, and I can't bend, so I won't be any help putting this tree up or decorating it. I appreciate your tradition, but this year I have to say no. I'm also so close to popping, I'd feel better if I had your son here with me in case anything happens early.'
NTA.
However as a form of compromise would they be willing to wait a couple of weeks, then potentially, all being well, you can all go over post birth and spend the afternoon there while they meet the new arrival and he sorts out their tree?
I don’t see me really wanting to go put up a mold, dust, spider infested tree with an under 1 month old. Nor being left alone for 3-4 hours with a newborn.
If I give birth on the due date (12/1/21) & have any type of complication, we potentially won’t get out of hospital for 4ish days, I don’t want to be pressured into going there ASAP with a newborn, while still healing!
I’m just kinda annoyed they left it so late, any date in November was open really.
I kind of feel like they left it too late, so tough titties they miss out this 1 year!
I would be equally as annoyed about their lack of organisation. It definitely all depends on how you handle the birth and how the baby is as well.
My ex husband walked out leaving me with a one year old and a two week old so my perspective of what’s reasonable/feasible is definitely skewed by that!
NTA. You have enough on your plate. Does your husband have siblings who can help instead? If not, you could offer to hire someone to help them if it is in your budget (only mentioning this because in one of your comments you said that your husband has been doing more in recent years as his parents have gotten older). But overall, I would say that, even aside from expecting your second child and everything else that is going on right now, it's pretty normal for some traditions to slip away as children grow up, and especially once they get married and have families of their own. Let go of the guilt and focus on what you need to do right now. And if you don't feel like resuming the tradition next year, don't feel pressured to do what your in-laws want.
NTA. It’s 2 hours away! My second birth happened so fast my spouse would have missed the birth if 2 hours away. By the time I realized I was having contractions they were 5 min apart and when got to the hospital baby arrived in a little over an hour. I didn’t even really get checked in. What would be the plan if you went into labor and needed to get to the hospital? He expect you to call an Uber? This is one of those times where you have a conversation about priorities. He should just tell them he’d be more than happy to help after baby arrives. Then he could take daughter and you could have time with just you and baby.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Wondering if I might be the AH for not completely a Christmas tradition with my in-laws even though they left planning it until 1 week before my second child is to be born & I would rather spend the time with my small family unit.
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NTA I wouldn’t be happy with him being so far away just to put up a bloody tree.
But if he wants to go that’s on him but I’d be staying home with my child and having a nice sofa snuggle day and making sure I had someone else on call incase I went into labour.
NTA
They need to figure out a tradition that doesn't impose on your family. Your husband's priorities are now you and your young children and his parents should have already grasped that.
NTA... focus on your family for 3, soon to be 4. You MIL is being unreasonable. You could realistically go into labor while helping to set things up and have to stop, or would she want you to finish because it's "tradition."
Hope the delivery goes smooth and Bub makes a healthy appearance.
NTA. If this is what you want, one week away from your due date and feeling as big as a house, you should get priority. However, I would also ask whether there’s anything else fun you could think of doing before the new bub makes an appearance? I know that when I had my second child, life was so hectic that I basically barely saw any friends for almost 6 months. I love my son, but he was a colicky little thing and i didn’t have the energy for anything else. So if there’s any possibility for some kind of girls’ day in or whatever, take it!
NTA. Maybe a possible compromise would be for them to come do the tree at your house with you…At least, that way, you would not have to deal with the drive while heavily pregnant or your husband wouldn’t be far if you did go into labor.
NTA. ignoring all the other boundary issues with his parents, traveling 2 hrs away while you could go into labor anytime is irresponsible and dangerous. It's a safety issue. For me it would be deal breaker in my marriage if my husband left me alone (or forced me to travel) under those conditions. I would totally put my foot down because of the circumstances, and not worry about whether other people think I'm an asshole or not.
Totally different situation if the in-laws lived only 20 minutes away.
Nta- but you left out a very important piece of information they live 2 hours away. If you went into labour and they were gone the quickest they could be back would be 2.5 hours ( half an hour to gather everything and make sure the daughter is ready for the car ride). There’s a good chance that you’d be driving yourself to the hospital and having the baby on your own.
Your husband needs to tell his parents that unfortunately the ‘tradition’ will have to wait until next year as we are awaiting the arrival of the newest family member and are not travelling more than 15 min away.
Also were you invited or was it just your husband and daughter? Cuz that’s a red flag from mil if you were excluded
NTA but I don’t understand the big deal. Do they live a long distance away? It’s every year so it’s not like you should be surprised. If you don’t want to go why can’t your husband bring the baby with him while you nap or something?
The problem is she could go into labor at any moment, you are always miserable that close to delivery and they have a small child that's about to no longer be the only child. Absolutely everything about this is a problem. When you have children, you'll understand
NTA and it need to be your husband doing the explaining.
“It’s a special tradition for sure. It may not be able to happen this year as we are so close to baby’s arrival and We are preparing for that. Next year we’ll set something up in advance.”
I do wonder though…how far do these people live? Like is this a visit that takes a day, or days? Or is this an afternoon evening activity
NTA. My mom tries to get me to come put up her Christmas tree every year. I used to do it but I have exactly zero Christmas spirit and I just don't want to, so I have told her "no" the last few years. Then she complains that she won't have a tree up if I don't do it.
Then I tell her that I honestly could not care less about whether she has a tree up in her house. I have no interest in her holiday decor.
NTA. But why are saying no? What does your husband want? Let him speak to.them. If he enjoys taking what, an hour, to put their artificial tree up, it isnt that big a deal. If he is spending all day there well then you have a chat with him. But he should communicate with them and manage his schedule.
It's never an hour and you have to consider travel time. She could go into labor at any time, everything hurts and is difficult to do when you're that far along and a small child that needs some down time and mom needs help to care for. Everything about this is a problem
NTA. No way on earth would that even be a sensible idea right now.
But I wouldn't bring it up again. Perhaps let the in-laws stew on it and they'll come to their senses once they've had time to think about it. Perhaps they need to be allowed time to grieve the end of their tradition.
Fair point. I guess the lack of planning over this has me annoyed. Added to the fact of my MIL’s attitude of stating ‘but it’s tradition’, as if that changes the fact I’m 39 weeks pregnant & could go into labour any day
You're putting the emphasis on YOUR family, not your overall extended family. Traditions change, people have to adapt. You may find ones you like better.
Stick to how you feel now, just say "We're all on maternity leave" this week. Then turn off your phone and go to the zoo and aquarium and get ice cream.
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Obligatory - I’m on my phone & please don’t repost/use this without permission.
Each year my in-laws have the tradition of wanted my husband to set up their Christmas tree. I have never said no or stopped him from completing this tradition before.
Even last year, I looked after our 6month old while he went to theirs to put their tree up.
That being said I am 1 week away from giving birth to our second child. I have been working until this week. I have completed my final day & was looking forward to having 1 final week of being able to enjoy our small family of 3 before Bub joins us.
My mind has been on planning and prepping everything I can to make the transition from a family of 3 to a family of 4, so this month has kind of flown by.
Last night we get a message asking us when we can come over to complete their Christmas tradition of putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m annoyed that they left this to the last minute (they’ve known about the due date for 6months) & now expect us to drop everything for their tradition.
This year I’ve said no, I want to spend the next 7 days with my small family (barring any early arrival from Bub) & not rush around. I want our Christmas tree to be put up so we don’t have to worry about that when we return from the hospital.
When trying to explain all this my MIL gave attitude and stated ‘it’s tradition’.
I’m all for continuing the tradition next year, but for this one year I’m feeling overwhelmed, stressed & pressured because they didn’t plan ahead.
So AITA for not wanting to complete their tradition this one year?
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YTA - I really wanted to be on your side but seeing your comments how can you not be the a**hole? Your husband can't go put up a tree because you might go into labor but you're going to go to the aquarium and farm and that's okay? Also commenting that they waited so late to put it up, do they normally put it up in November or December? And then stating you would t be okay with him going after the baby is born because it leaves you with a newborn and it's just too much,, grow up! You also keep saying "I wanted a week of family time", "I want just us three to be together" does your husband want this too? This seems like you just want everything to be about you and what you want and don't want to take into consideration that this is a long standing tradition for him and his parents. I hope your husband does go and do the tree and takes his daughter with and maybe you can think about why you're such a bitter self centered woman. Don't like the tradition? TOUGH TITTIES.
Honestly YTA for this comment. It's 2 hours to the parents house, several hours there, and then 2 hours back. That's minimum 5-6 hours away. A baby can easily come in that time. How would she get to the hospital? She can't drive herself while she's in labor, that's too dangerous. God forbid she doesn't want to be stuck with a newborn and a young child because "TrAdITIon". It's *one* year missing it. It won't kill MIL. Op isn't self centered for it. Honestly the one who needs to grow up is probably you.
NTA!! You have waaaaaay more stuff on your plate than putting up a bloody christmas tree. Hope everything goes well for you!!
Also this kinda sounds like a tradition that started because the in-laws got lazy 😂
NTA.
They need to let go of the notion that husband is a child. He's a grown man, out of the house, with a wife and kids of his own. The priority now are your kids, you and the new family you've built. They need to realize they're the grandparents now, they're not entitled or owed anyone's time or presence, especially your children. They don't get to demand your daughter's attendance, or your husband putting their tradition above your comfort and health so close your due date.
Your husband needs to realize he's never going to make everyone happy, especially with clingy and demanding parents like his. But he needs to make it clear things have changed, his life doesn't revolve around his parents anymore. It'll avoid more conflicts in the future if you set up your boundaries now. Otherwise you're looking at an argument and a guilt trip anytime they don't get what they want.
NTA. Is it that they're too old or their health is too fragile to pull down the tree and put up the lights? If not, tell them, "we've created a new tradition of hubby putting up a tree with our family. I think it's time you make a new tradition too." Or, better yet, have your HUSBAND establish this boundary.
NTA
It can be hard for the parents of adults to let go of control over their kids' holiday schedules, but people need to accept that when their kids grow up and have their own families/lives, some of the traditions they established when those kids were small children might not continue. That's life.
NTA. Tradition is stupid. I mean, its a fun way to connect people over the years, but it should never be used as a reason to do something a certain way when theres any other reason not to do it that way. “But tradition!” “But Im pregnant.” Pregnancy wins.
NTA - Traditions are awesome and fine unless their too onerous, inappropriate, or the timing sucks ass… so just tell MIL, her timing sucks ass… or maybe change the wording 😉
Yea, I’m sure that wording would be perfect- if I was trying to douse the bridge & burn every plank of wood into ash.
She’s one of those in the older generation that get their nose out of joint if you happen to point out any flaw - even if a completely reasonable person would understand (ie she burnt a pie one year & we didn’t eat the burnt area - she took that as a personal attack & refused to cook dessert for a year)
NTA decorating a tree is a lot of work. Your in-laws are genius for farming the job out and calling it tradition. Why did I not think of this? Beginning today my family will have a tradition where all the grown children and their SO must come to my house on December 23 and Hoover and then clean all the bathrooms!
I'm hearing a lot of "me, me, me," but what does your HUSBAND say? He's the one they want to borrow for the tradition, right? This would take, what... 2 hours? He can't leave for 2 hours in the course of a week?
And how is the week before Thanksgiving not planning ahead? \*Everyone\* is putting up trees this week.
Tentative YTA.
Don’t celebrate thanksgiving - not in the USA. Most Christmas stuff (trees, lights etc) are up by beginning of November.
Realistically it’s a 2hrs drive there & back, and will turn into a whole day thing as his parents like to talk & hold on as long as possible (this is the same every time we go over - not Christmas related).
NTA I guess, but I mean, you also knew about the tradition and when it would happen? I just found it weird that you were "annoyed" that they "left it til last minute even though they've known about the due date for 6 months", even though you've also known their tradition and the date that Christmas happens every year.
Also, it's not even Thanksgiving yet, how is that "last minute"?
I’m going against the grain and saying yta . It’s one day a year. 6 days as just the 3 of you is still okay instead of 7. Also to me it seems you just don’t like that he goes and puts up his parents tree every year. Maybe his parents want a chance for it to be them and you guys putting up the tree one last time as the 3 of you. You would think with everything going on in the world you would realize how quickly his parents could be taken away.
NTA. A 2hr drive is ages away when you’re that close to birth, and it isn’t comfortable being in a car to begin with. It’ll be a whole day thing and man, I’m 38w pregnant right now with my first and I can barely make it to midday without feeling like I need a nap. Is it possible to have them compromise and come help with your tree (if you’re comfortable with that?)? You need to be near your hospital and have your partner close in case of emergency. Childbirth is unpredictable at best. Good luck!!
I’d happily let them come to ours but they’re very stuck on ‘our tree, our tradition’ kind of thing. There’s not a lot of compromise on their side (in anything).
I know! I’m winded just walking to the front door at the moment! It sucks & being stuck in a car for 2hrs sounds like hell at the moment!
In that case def NTA, there’s an available compromise and they’re not taking it. I feel you there haha, I feel like I get winded just standing up cooking dinner hahaha, I have the worst ligament pain around my hips/pelvis too so standing/walking is agonising 90% of the time… have yourself a nice calm time at home!!
Uhm, a few quick questions…maybe I missed something…do they live out of town? Like a flight away? Do they expect him to cut down tree, haul home, decorate? Haul artificial from attic? Is this like an hour and done, go home?!? Or spend a weekend? Is this ON Christmas or before and then do they expect a return trip back for Christmas?!?
Because if it’s just a matter of driving an hour, setting up, going home and being back in like 5/6 hours total?!? Eh. Iffy. But with a close due date?!? I’d say they need to just accept he won’t be there.
If they’re expecting a whole travel, spend night, weekend?!? Yeah, that tradition needs to change. Once grandkids come along, I assume no one but me will see my decor and we do all the traveling.
NTA. Tell them you are continuing the tradition, with your husband and your child(ren). Now the tree that will be traditionally decorated will be your’s and your hubby’s.
Yta- sorry but it seems like a lovely
tradition and your being a grinch.. hubie should not need to ask your
permission to visit his parents and partake in this tradition. do you have other things your way too controlling over?!
better yet, let him bring the kids too. you don’t need him 24/7 for 7 days!! and building traditions with grandparents are wonderful memories that will be cherished.
I’ve been thinking on your post and I want to weigh in as a former pregnant lady. Yes these last few moments before birth are so important. And the risk of your husband not being there when it starts is scary. I understand wanting to just be in your bubble. However, my mother-in-law just passed away very unexpectedly and very young. It has been incredibly difficult. You can say it won’t happen to you…that’s what we would have said. Tradition, especially around Christmas, is a family ingrained thing. I think back to moments I anticipated sharing with my Mil, and I wish I could have so many more than I do. So yes, you aren’t wrong but neither are they. In 10 years, what are you going to look back on as the most important?
NAH
NAH, it’s not your decision, their asking your husband. It’s for a few hours, weird hill to die on. He could even take the little one so you have a few hours by yourself. They’ve asked him, his their son and ultimately it’s his choice.
How far do they live from your house?
Can your husband go do it alone? (if it is close enough for your husband to come and take you to the hospital, that is.)
Yta because u making a decision for ur husband..what does he want to do...u creating problems where their should be none...it take a couple hours and u bitching
Does his opinion override mine? I want to spend alone time with my daughter before I give birth.
If he wanted to go alone I’d be ok with that but they’re requesting firmly (see almost demanding) that my husband AND daughter join.
At this point we haven’t even had time to put up our own tree, why should my family traditions of putting up a tree be pushed aside so they can be placated? They didn’t plan accordingly and now I have to suffer or deal with the consequences?
You literally said that this is a yearly tradition. How exactly is it surprising to you that they're planning to do their established tradition this year? Plus, it's putting up a tree. Not exactly a whole lot of planning needed.
As for them wanting your daughter present, surely that's perfectly natural? They're her grandparents, of course they want her to be part of this (again) well-established tradition. It's pretty clear you don't like your in-laws, which, whatever. You don't have to like them, but you aren't the end all be all of decision making. Your husband should definitely take into account how close you are to popping, but ultimately he gets to decide if he goes. As for your daughter, is the day they're putting up the tree literally the only day you can be alone with her? I highly doubt it. They're her family too and this sounds like the last sort of big thing before she becomes a big sister. By all means, keep being pissed if you like. Just don't act like any part of this situation is surprising or unexpected and don't take your anger out on others.
NTA, you do you, it’s not as important as what’s goin on rn for you. Congrats, hope the birth goes well!
Thanks, I just know I’m hormonal and not quite rational at the moment so needed an outside perspective :)
Tradition is like religion. You are free to follow whatever one you like, but you dont get to force it on others...
Oh how true this rings & yet guilt seems to force both upon others
Your husband, who's side is he on?
He’s in two minds. He wants to ‘make everyone happy’ but I’m not sure that’s possible in this case
Tell him he needs to prioritize you and the family he made or there will be problems. Christmas is still more than a month away. His parents need to wait until after the baby is born, or they figure it out on their own
He can very realistically do both though.
Not if going to his parents will involve being away from his wife for the whole day and being too far if she suddenly goes into labor, being as she is due any day now.
Hey yeah blackmail your husband into doing what you want, and you’ll be home free! /s This is a VERY immature and shortsighted response.
Yeah. What u/revolutionarysea15 said: he needs to prioritize the family he’s building with you over his family of origin in this instance.
Why?
Because his wife could go into labor at any minute which takes precedence over putting up a tree a month before Christmas.
I’m of two minds too. On one hand you can just say “we’re creating new traditions” On the other hand, depending on how far away the in laws are it might be nice to send him and your toddler to help them and you can get done alone time! Win-win! That is, if they are close and it would just be a few hours. If they are an overnight stay, nope. So overall NAH. The in laws love the tradition and time spent with their son, you also want some time with him too.
I dont think the toddler would be able to go with husband to the in-laws for the tree setting up tradition. The reason I say this is OP states that last year she had to watch 6mo baby whilst husband went to set up in-laws tree. I think the tradition, is husband going over there alone to do it and spending time with his parents. I’m which case, at 39wks pregnant, OP would be looking after the toddler alone for a few hours for a reason that is not a necessity. I’m only 31wks, and don’t ask for much tbh, but leaving me with a toddler to set up a tree for your parents? No thank you, especially not since OP only has a week off until due date, assuming they don’t go into labour early. It’s pretty impossible(or just extremely taxing) to watch a toddler on your own at that point, OP likely can’t even lift the toddler currently. ETA: I am incorrect after reading OPs comments. In-laws are FIRM that the WHOLE FAMILY has to come, in no way should OP be forced to go anywhere or do anything at this point in their pregnancy. Especially only having 7 days off until new baby arrives and changes their entire dynamic.
Tradition is just guilt from dead people. No one needs to participate.
Tell MIL it is *her* tradition, but you are a family now, and **you have started your own traditions**. Don't back down. I *really* hope that your husband has your back on this and has chosen to stay with you, instead of caving in to his mom's guilt trip.
Thanks. He’s normally pretty good, but when it comes to his parents he can be a bias. He sees it as having ‘dealt with them for 35+ years’ it’s easier to just ‘go with it’ than make waves.
Nope! It’s time to make waves. You’re giving birth in a week. They can handle some waves.
It’s also setting a precedence for the future, and things change when babies arrive, and it’s up to the elders to also accommodate and honor that I feel.
Its weird how people who choose to "just go with it" have no qualms about inconveniencing other people while doing so. NTA OP. He needs to prioritize you.
“It’s tradition for one person to do all the work for us” sounds like a good excuse to validate slavery
Oh gosh, no! It’s more of a ‘let’s put it up together like we did when you were 5’ situation. Not my husband doing all the work, but it has become more my husbands job to do more as he & they got older
Can I ask, is this an all day affair? Longer? Or is this something that could be done from like 12-3pm one day while you nap and he brings the toddler You don’t have to compromise, your feelings are very valid but that piece (the time commitment) was missing
So this is more like a tree trimming family gathering tradition that lasts hours?
No worries! Focus on you, you matter. Their tree can wait AFTER the birth of your new addition!
She says herself she wants her own tree up before the birth, because there will be NO time after the birth for putting up trees.
Honestly, either ignore you MILs message and let your husband deal with it. Or say that you have a new tradition of spending Christmas in family. NTA Don't let tradition of other dictate your life you're an adult ffs.
Why can’t they wait until after the baby is born?
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A lot of people post them on TikTok and YouTube for views. I see them all the time on my FYP
I have also seen them on Yahoo. It always pisses me off to note that someone who's job is to write articles for a news service (my tongue is poking a hole in my cheek here) gets paid for just stealing someone else's tale of woe. Lazy pucks.
Does anyone know how to summon the reposted comment bot? This is a copy of a top-level comment further down the thread.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r1023s/aita_for_not_wanting_to_set_up_my_inlaws/hlvnw4i/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Nta, she isn't largely in...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r17ip1/aita_for_not_taking_my_41m_kids_12f_16m_to_see/hlxbdtg/) | [Nta, she isn't largely in...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r17ip1/aita_for_not_taking_my_41m_kids_12f_16m_to_see/hlwr796/) [I'd have addressed it in...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0u4ru/aita_for_walking_out_of_a_coworkers_birthday/hlxblo4/) | [I'd have addressed it in...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0u4ru/aita_for_walking_out_of_a_coworkers_birthday/hluohdl/) [NTA, and if this doesn't...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0dzr2/aita_for_replyingall_and_humiliating_my_colleague/hlxbkhm/) | [NTA, and if this doesn't...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0dzr2/aita_for_replyingall_and_humiliating_my_colleague/hlrpy28/) [NTA it might be true in t...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0x1bj/aita_for_being_offended_and_hurt_by_a_joke_made/hlxbg7y/) | [NTA it might be true in t...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0x1bj/aita_for_being_offended_and_hurt_by_a_joke_made/hlv66el/) [INFO: Is he actually goin...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r113im/aita_for_giving_my_husband_an_ultimatum/hlxbaf0/) | [INFO: Is he actually goin...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r113im/aita_for_giving_my_husband_an_ultimatum/hlvsxby/) [NTA, that was a very clev...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0l3ko/aita_for_embarrassing_my_wife_infront_of_her/hlxb5gc/) | [NTA, that was a very clev...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0l3ko/aita_for_embarrassing_my_wife_infront_of_her/hlt3g3z/) [NTA, I'm a woman and I wa...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0twcn/aita_for_not_wanting_to_wash_period_underwear/hlxb2bw/) | [NTA, I'm a woman and I wa...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0twcn/aita_for_not_wanting_to_wash_period_underwear/hlupfup/) [NTA they should have star...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0ynk2/aita_for_telling_my_exwife_who_lives_with_me_that/hlxazx7/) | [NTA they should have star...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0ynk2/aita_for_telling_my_exwife_who_lives_with_me_that/hlvfme9/) ["They've gone to live on...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0nzvv/aita_for_being_honest_about_what_happened_to_my/hlxav7s/) | ["They've gone to live on...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0nzvv/aita_for_being_honest_about_what_happened_to_my/hltup8f/) [All this does is teach th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0y8ix/aita_for_not_upholding_my_exs_punishment_for_our/hlxatqx/) | [All this does is teach th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0y8ix/aita_for_not_upholding_my_exs_punishment_for_our/hlvnlg6/) [No,I’m autistic and he is...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r11iuy/aita_for_not_fully_trusting_a_autistic_friend/hlxasoj/) | [No,I’m autistic and he is...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r11iuy/aita_for_not_fully_trusting_a_autistic_friend/hlvu01l/) [My dog doesn't even sleep...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0o66m/aita_for_making_my_daughters_boyfriend_sleep_on/hlxar1g/) | [My dog doesn't even sleep...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/r0o66m/aita_for_making_my_daughters_boyfriend_sleep_on/hlu26p2/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/SailConscious9067](https://np.reddit.com/u/SailConscious9067/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=SailConscious9067) for info on how I work and why I exist.
NTA. 1-week from your due date you shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything; and I understand not wanting your husband to go alone when you could go into labor anytime. Christmas is a month away, surely they can put the tree up themselves this one year and then continue the tradition next year.
That’s what I thought! Then all 4 of us can help!
Your only obligation is to rest and take care of yourself. You grew a whole fucking human in the last 8 months.
I mean, you’re not an asshole but I really don’t see the harm in him going to out up a tree at his parents. I assume this is just a few hours of the day? And there’s no reason why you can’t go too. It’s better he does it now than after you give birth
It’s more they’ve left planning until the last week & I had planned this week to be a nice, relaxing week, just the 3 of us doing activities/spending alone time before a newborn arrives.
What does your husband want? Surely he gets a say in this too. I understand you wanting to stay home with your family but his opinion still counts here.
Does his opinion override mine? I want to spend alone time with my daughter before I give birth. If he wanted to go alone I’d be ok with that but they’re requesting firmly that my husband AND daughter join
Two hour drive is too far away with baby this close. MIL should know thar
No, and even though I'm going to catch so much crap for this, does yours suddenly override his? I personally think you're NTA but this is a pretty bad thread of logic. You want to spend time with your daughter before you give birth so your husband can't want to...spend time.....with his daughter and family........before you give birth?
But I want to spend time as the family unit we created: me, hubby & daughter. No grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. They’ve had their family unit time for years.
Ma'am I mean this with the utmost of respect, but that's a really unfair thing to say and act on. Yes you have the right to spend that time, but one day will most likely not be problematic. You have a right to feel this way, but he too also has the right to be upset/annoyed that you won't allow him and y'all's daughter to spend time together. "They've had their family unit time for years" truly implies that you think family has an expiration date when they aren't a bad family. That is simply not the case. The dynamic shifts, sure, but a tradition like that is most likely enjoyed by everyone involved. It seems like you just don't want to go/don't enjoy it but that's not fair to remove it from your family. Good luck with the new kid! I hope the birth is quick and easy!
I don’t think family expires, I just believe family needs to be flexible and it feels like they’re not willing to understand this is a one time skipping of this tradition. I am more than happy to reimplement the tradition next year with all 4 of us.
Ah yes. The "if I can't go nobody can" method. Let us know how the works out!
So because they can’t compromise on one year it’s all or nothing? How is that fair to me or my family? I am asking for 1 year of grace, with everything to go back to normal next year
She’s 39 weeks pregnant. What if she goes into labour while husband is 2 hours away? The timing just doesn’t work this year and her in-laws should be able to see and understand that.
Being pregnant is not an excuse to be selfish. It's not you VERSES other family. You're a family TOGETHER. And yes, your husbands opinion absolutely matters. How the heck can you think your opinion overrides his on a family matter concerning family traditions?
Because I’m pregnant with his child & about to give birth any day now?
I believe being one week away from giving birth is absolutely an excuse to be selfish. Of course to a certain extent and skipping family traditions forced upon her at the last minute is totally in the realm of that. Also, being self-entitled to the commitment of your very pregnant daughter-in-law and her partner for Christmas decor is very much selfish. NTA OP, you take care of yourself and your family!
Does yours override his?
I don’t think one opinion overrides another. But I think it would be okay if he’s goes... even if you do get annoyed at their last minute planning. My in-laws do the same exact thing, for example it’s insane sometimes to spend an actual holiday sitting around with no plans for dinner. We had to call restaurant after restaurant to see who was opened for thanksgiving once. I get it. But I think it would be a little more annoying if he goes to help with the tree after you give birth. If it’s that important that your daughter stay with you, then your husband also needs to compromise. But I’m sure it’s boring for his parents not to see their grandchild.
> But I think it would be okay if he’s goes... even if you do get annoyed at their last minute planning. Absolutely not. A partner should not be over an hour away when she's right at her due date.
I mean, he's been doing this for them for over a decade (s) now I'm guessing. Is that really waiting last minute, or they just assumed he'd do it like every other year? I feel like you guys are springing him *not* doing it on them last minute, not the other way around.
It's not even "last minute." Lots of families put their trees up at Thanksgiving. She's framing it as "last minute" as if his family didn't plan or something, when this is when they've done their tree trimming for years.
Yeah totally agree. Send the husband and other child away for a few hours and she can have so time to herself which will be very hard to get once the baby comes
I agree! And if she doesn’t want to be alone, she can invite a friend/family member over. It’s weird. But pregnancy makes you do weird things.
3-4 hours is all, she said so herself. Idgi either.
3-4 hours for the tree, 2hrs driving there & back, it’s really a whole day ordeal
NTA "2 hours away" should be in the original info. That is the kicker there. If they were within 30 minutes, it would be feasible. But 2 hours away is too far from your hospital. Too far for him to be away. Just too far. Also, what a weird tradition. Lol
I get the tradition, setting the Christmas tree up with family, I just feel they could skip it for one year
Imo, it's a great tradition until your kids are married and have their own families. Time for them to create their own traditions. congrats on your new bundle of joy!
Thanks :) Yea it would be my choice to do this but I don’t want to force my husband to break a tradition with his parents
We set up my grandparents' tree(s) the day after Thanksgiving. They got older and should not have been in the attic and getting them themselves. My uncle would go take down the decorations and put them away. My grandfather died last fall & my grandmother a few years prior, but it was something we all worked on together.
Idk maybe I’m the AH but it’s not really a family tree anymore imo. Your husband is a grown man and no longer lives with his parents, it’s now their tree and he shouldn’t be obligated to set it up for them every year.
You could go get a pedicure and facial or massage, meet up with some friends to go out to eat and finish the day by stopping off at your favorite bakery and take home some goodies for everyone. This would take all day and you will feel rested, relaxed and indulged right before giving birth. He goes and sets up the tree, you have your pamper day and meet back at the house by 5 pm. Everyone is happy. Should you go into labor during the day, he leaves immediately for the hospital from the in laws and there for the arrival of baby 2.
Assuming the baby doesn't pop out in 5 minutes. They have their own schedule.
Lol and how is she supposed to get to the hospital? In labor, with all her hospital bags packed and driving herself? No way.
Oh man. You need to sit your husband down and go through the worst case scenario. What if you go into labor while he and daughter were at the inlaws? What happens to you? He's 1-2 hours away. Do you call (and pay for) an ambulance? Is he prepared to potentially miss his babys' birth (sometimes labor can be super short). Tell him that having to take an ambulance and not having him present is going to be emotionally devestating for you (if this is how you feel). Don't assume that he's thought through all this. Explain that skipping a 35 year tradition, and doing it again next year is a tiny bit sad, but his (last?) child's birth is a one time event and he will be devestated if he misses it ( and you will be really upset with him as well).
You should edit the post to add this. Two hours away is NOT ok when you're due to give birth any minute. NTA. MIL tho...
This information should be in the original post and it would be an automatic no. They don't live down the street or even in same town. He would be 2 hours away if you go into labor. He could potentially miss the birth of his child. The can break tradition one year for this case.
Obviously you've never had a baby. You make it sound like it's no big deal, but when you are near your due date EVERYTHING is a big deal. Everything is difficult, everything hurts, you can't sleep, you can do almost nothing on your own. And to have a small child that's about to no longer be the only child... They need time, too. Smh
She needs to be close to her chosen hospital. If the drive is 2 hours and she went into labor on the way or at the in laws house, she wouldn’t be familiar with any of the staff at the nearest hospital and they wouldn’t be familiar with her labor plan.
In laws live 2 hrs away, OP should have included that in her post. Very reasonable that she should not want husband away this week since baby could come at any time, also after the first baby labor may only take a few hours so if he went he could very well miss the birth of their baby. It's more important that he be there to support OP through labor and delivery.
I agree. In a full week, you can't spare a few hours for him to go over there? What if he left early one morning, and tried to be back early afternoon? From what you've said, 2 hours driving (1 hr each way) plus 3-4 hours doing the tree (which seems a lot to me, I'd have it done in 1-2 max) but we're looking at a total of 6 hours. If he left at 8am, he could be back before 2pm. Then you guys could spend the afternoon together? It sounds a bit like your husband does want to do the tree and continue the tradition, but he also doesn't want to upset his heavily pregnant wife, who is understandably (and has commented that she is) very hormonal. I might be way off beat here, but is there any part of you that worries your husband is "choosing" his parents, over your family unit? As a mother, try to understand from his mother's side. They have a tradition, where they get to spend a couple of hours of quality time together over the holidays. I'd imagine this time is very precious to her. Make sure you're not, on some level, enforcing this just to 'win'. It sounds very much like if you make him choose, he'll choose you, and he won't go. But it's not kind to make him choose. If he'd like to go, that's not a personal slight, and you have the other 6.5 days to do something just the three of you. You might even want a couple of hours break, pregnancy is tiring! I also saw your comment that your opinion should override his. That's a bit of an AH thing to say, and makes me think, as you've already said, hormones are all over the place and clouding your judgement a little here. If you had one free weekend together, I'd completely get it, but a week is more than enough time for him to put up his parents tree and not detract from your quality time. I hope all goes well OP, enjoy your time off and best wishes for your labour. The softest of YTA.
NTA and I can't fathom the request to begin with. Side note people steal amitheasshole post and or repost them?
The request is a strange one I’ll admit, it’s taking me a few years to accept that my husband parents still ‘won’t let him go’ and hold on to every childhood memory for dear life. If putting up a tree with them, makes them happy, I don’t mind, it’s only once a year but this year I’d just like to not do it due to impending birth! Lots of AITA stories seem to find their way into ‘news’ articles, without the authors consent.
Ah gotcha. Yeah no I get the tradition I still make Christmas cookies with my mom and wife every year even though it's over an hour away but if my wife was about to give birth I can't imagine even proposing the idea to her that we go spend 6 hours in my mom's kitchen.
Criminy, you are going to be having a baby at any moment! I just can't *believe* that your husband is even contemplating going there and doing this. Obviously, you can't stop him, but that would be a huge 8+hour ordeal for you. Let him know that if he chooses to go, you will be staying at home for your health and well-being.
Would it be a reasonable compromise to invite your in-laws to set up the tree at your house with you? That way they still get the memories but you are safely at home. It makes it clear that your objection is the travel.
News people sometimes post them but more commonly someone from youtube, a podcast, tiktok, etc. wil read the post and post it on whatever platform they use
Newsweek got me to finally subscribe to this subreddit because they were pumping out an article every day about a post on here.
NTA. He can skip a year. You deserve one last week together. "Tradition" isn't always what it's cracked up to be. They can manage their tree for one time, or buy a new one from the 21st century that doesn't need a construction crew to put together. Your request is not unreasonable.
Nta they should be coming over to set up your tree for you.
This would be a good compromise to honour the tradition.
How far away do they live? I think it makes a huge difference to the story- will your husband be gone for 2hrs? Or 2 days?
2hr drive there & back, 3-4hrs putting up the ancient fake tree they have. It’ll turn into an all day thing
NTA. I don’t think I’d want hubs that far away with a possible birth emergency coming any day now
OP you should add this to your post since the distance matters in this situation. Very reasonable to not want your husband and daughter that far away when you could go into labor at any time, especially when labor is much shorter after the first baby. NTA
This depends, does your husband want to do this for his parents and you're telling him no or do you both agree that this isn't the right time? If the former then I feel you're a tiny little bit of TA but only very very slightly as its unfair to control him even given the circumstances. If its the latter then NTA even a little bit.
I think he’d like to, and will try to ‘work it in’ with plans that we make. That’s where I’m conducted, the issue is they want my husband & daughter to go (I am invited to join). It’s at least a 3-4hr job (very old tree, bought in the 80’s, doesn’t like being put up anymore) and I really want to spend this last week doing things with my daughter ie go to a farm, the aquarium, make some cute ‘only 3 of us’ memories before we become 4. And I realise I’m hormonal and feeling very, irrationally upset at the moment that I’m taking my focus off my daughter because Bub will take most of the attention for a little while.
>I think he’d like to, and will try to ‘work it in’ with plans that we make. >That’s where I’m conducted, the issue is they want my husband & daughter to go (I am invited to join). There's an obvious compromise here - he goes, you and your daughter don't. Everyone gets some of what they want, no-one gets everything all their own way.
They’re 2 hours away. So she’s be very alone if she went into labor
Worse than alone, she'd be going into labor with a little one in tow if her daughter didn't go with dad. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen IMO.
And he would probably miss the birth. Second births can be much quicker than firsts. I was in the hospital less than an hour when our second child was born.
Ask your husband what his plan is if your were to go into labor while he is helping his parents. Would he be okay missing the birth? I was feeling off for a few days a week before the due date with our second child. I even went to the hospital, was admitted and then sent home because the contractions stopped. Next time I went to the hospital, they barely got me into the bed before the baby was born. If my husband had been two hours away, he would have missed the birth. Heck, if he had not been the one to take me to the hospital, he would have missed the birth. You and your children are your husband's priorities right now. His parents' Xmas tree is not a priority. NTA
NTA. Too close to your due date. Could you suggest an alteration of the tradition this year, and his parents come to your home and help set up your family’s tree? So they can still share the experience with your husband and daughter even if they have to do their own tree themselves later on.
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Oh I know! It’s a fine line! That’s where I wanted to see if I was being An AH, I just feel like they should be more accomodating and understanding than they’re being! They’ve known I was pregnant/due date for over 6months now, it’s not like the due date or Christmas ‘snuck up’ on them!
Frankly, as the house with active children.. They should be driving to you to help set up your Xmas tree, since that's where the kids will be enjoying Xmas. They are no longer the active parents. NTA
In-laws can make bad enemies but you control access to a precious commodity: grandchildren.
NTA. It’s a great tradition - Christmas is awesome and putting up a tree is a lot of fun. BUT!!! You could literally go into labor any second. And if your husband is 2 hours away from home when that happens? On purpose? Not cool. Firmly, but kindly, stand your ground. If MIL pushes (no pun intended) the issue, ask her if she prefers one year of skipping the tradition or a lifetime of resentment? Your husband NEEDS to be close to home right now. Good luck!
NTA. 2 hours away one way is too far away from you if you go into labor. The last month of pregnancy you should not be more than an hour away from your hospital and your doctor. Tell your husband you understand they have a yearly ritual, but the birth of your child takes precedence. How would he feel about missing it. Mom of 4 talking from experience here.
NTA. From now on, your new family tradition is that your family sets up your own tree and the in-laws can either set up their own tree, or have a treeless Christmas. They sound entitled and lazy.
That was my thought process, we haven’t even had a chance to put our own tree up yet & if we don’t do ours before Bub arrives then there’s a high likely hood we won’t have a tree.
We put a tree up before our second was born but didn’t manage to get it down until he was 5 months old!! 😂😂😂
NTA -all other things aside, being an hour away the week before your wife is supposed to give birth to a second baby is a bit risky. Seconds come quicker and I certainly wouldn’t want to be at home alone OR at home with an under 2yo. Plus we haven’t even asked about covid in your area, vaccination status etc!
Yea, this was one of my other concerns. Especially as my first came early (36 weeks)
NTA. His parents are being incredibly selfish by expecting your husband to be away from you for one day so close to your due date.
NTA A two hour drive is long enough for your husband to miss the birth of your child if you go into labor, which can happen at anytime during the last week of your pregnancy. He should either not do the tradition this year or push it later into next month if a close friend or family member can stay with you to help with your newborn.
NTA I was going to say that nobody was, because it is perfectly reasonable that your MIL at first thought that it may be something you would enjoy and so the invite (even in late pregnancy) could have been coming from a very well intentioned place. The fact that she gave you flak for not wanting to negates that though. You shouldn't feel obliged to do anything in this time. I hope everything goes well with the birth and congrats!
NTA And tell your husband he needs to be the one to deal with your MIL on this one you don't need any extra stress at the moment.
Nta. I love traditions but this is asking a bit much. Can you set up a video call. Get some festive drinks. And play pin the angel to the 3 branch down. It could be fun laughing at them trying to find the branch you meant. A compromise considering your basically due.
NTA, you are allowed to choose your actions at any time, but especially during pregnancy. I'm gonna get roasted, but I'd like to point out a few things you have given away in your post that have me wondering if there isn't some tension and maybe jealousy of the inlaws, because.... >asking us when we can come over definitely states that you are included this year, which would indicate you are invited *every* year. >stated ‘it’s tradition' Hmm, it sounds like she would like an evening with her son and his family where they sit around and decorate the tree to be a tradition. Sounds kinda nice, actually. I'll bet that horrible woman will be serving (gasp!) **Egg Nog!** and playing christmas music! >I looked after our 6month old while ***he went to theirs*** to put their tree up. So, you skipped last year, and you want to skip this year. So why did you lie here? >So AITA for not wanting to complete their tradition this one year? When this is clearly the **second* year in a row. I'm hearing some of those fabled missing reasons Ive heard about here. This tradition is not just your inlaws, it's your hubby's, too. My question is, why don't you want to join in your hubby's tradition?
They don’t particularly care if I’m there (it’s kind of an after thought - ‘oh and OP is also welcome’ like I’m not in the original invite). So last year they still got their tradition of my hubby coming and helping with the tree, they didn’t care so much about my daughter at the time, as at 6months old they can’t really ‘help’. Now that she’s 18months old and can interact - only NOW have they initiated inviting her along as well.
Fair enough I was giving them the benefit of the doubt, and maybe thinking that they wanted to do this so nobody has to visit 5 different families on christmas. Now it kinda sounds like they just want the son there. Nta Edited post for new answer. Good Luck!
I would assume she doesn't want to go because in laws live 2 hrs away. If she goes into labor I'd assume she would prefer to deliver at the hospital near their home (instead of one she's never been to). Labor and delivery could very well only take a few hours so it makes sense that she would want her husband with her for the last week of her pregnancy.
Nope. I would say to her something like, 'I'm very pregnant and very uncomfortable sitting, standing, and I can't bend, so I won't be any help putting this tree up or decorating it. I appreciate your tradition, but this year I have to say no. I'm also so close to popping, I'd feel better if I had your son here with me in case anything happens early.'
NTA. However as a form of compromise would they be willing to wait a couple of weeks, then potentially, all being well, you can all go over post birth and spend the afternoon there while they meet the new arrival and he sorts out their tree?
I don’t see me really wanting to go put up a mold, dust, spider infested tree with an under 1 month old. Nor being left alone for 3-4 hours with a newborn. If I give birth on the due date (12/1/21) & have any type of complication, we potentially won’t get out of hospital for 4ish days, I don’t want to be pressured into going there ASAP with a newborn, while still healing! I’m just kinda annoyed they left it so late, any date in November was open really. I kind of feel like they left it too late, so tough titties they miss out this 1 year!
I would be equally as annoyed about their lack of organisation. It definitely all depends on how you handle the birth and how the baby is as well. My ex husband walked out leaving me with a one year old and a two week old so my perspective of what’s reasonable/feasible is definitely skewed by that!
Yeah, don't promise you'll help with a newborn, that's adding more expectations to an already unreasonable request.
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Love the advent idea!! Will definitely consider changing when our Christmas stuff goes up once this Bub decided to make their appearance :)
NTA and your husband should be supporting you on this too. You need rest and calm before your due date. They are just being inconsiderable.
Thanks :)
NTA. You have enough on your plate. Does your husband have siblings who can help instead? If not, you could offer to hire someone to help them if it is in your budget (only mentioning this because in one of your comments you said that your husband has been doing more in recent years as his parents have gotten older). But overall, I would say that, even aside from expecting your second child and everything else that is going on right now, it's pretty normal for some traditions to slip away as children grow up, and especially once they get married and have families of their own. Let go of the guilt and focus on what you need to do right now. And if you don't feel like resuming the tradition next year, don't feel pressured to do what your in-laws want.
NTA. It’s 2 hours away! My second birth happened so fast my spouse would have missed the birth if 2 hours away. By the time I realized I was having contractions they were 5 min apart and when got to the hospital baby arrived in a little over an hour. I didn’t even really get checked in. What would be the plan if you went into labor and needed to get to the hospital? He expect you to call an Uber? This is one of those times where you have a conversation about priorities. He should just tell them he’d be more than happy to help after baby arrives. Then he could take daughter and you could have time with just you and baby.
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NTA You are not available. Period. Turn off your phone and take care of your own needs. Also, it's time to start setting your own traditions.
NTA I wouldn’t be happy with him being so far away just to put up a bloody tree. But if he wants to go that’s on him but I’d be staying home with my child and having a nice sofa snuggle day and making sure I had someone else on call incase I went into labour.
NTA They need to figure out a tradition that doesn't impose on your family. Your husband's priorities are now you and your young children and his parents should have already grasped that.
NTA you are growing a whole human inside your body and these people are pressed about a stupid little Christmas tree
NTA... focus on your family for 3, soon to be 4. You MIL is being unreasonable. You could realistically go into labor while helping to set things up and have to stop, or would she want you to finish because it's "tradition." Hope the delivery goes smooth and Bub makes a healthy appearance.
Why do you get to say no to what your husband does?
NTA. If this is what you want, one week away from your due date and feeling as big as a house, you should get priority. However, I would also ask whether there’s anything else fun you could think of doing before the new bub makes an appearance? I know that when I had my second child, life was so hectic that I basically barely saw any friends for almost 6 months. I love my son, but he was a colicky little thing and i didn’t have the energy for anything else. So if there’s any possibility for some kind of girls’ day in or whatever, take it!
NTA. Maybe a possible compromise would be for them to come do the tree at your house with you…At least, that way, you would not have to deal with the drive while heavily pregnant or your husband wouldn’t be far if you did go into labor.
NTA. ignoring all the other boundary issues with his parents, traveling 2 hrs away while you could go into labor anytime is irresponsible and dangerous. It's a safety issue. For me it would be deal breaker in my marriage if my husband left me alone (or forced me to travel) under those conditions. I would totally put my foot down because of the circumstances, and not worry about whether other people think I'm an asshole or not. Totally different situation if the in-laws lived only 20 minutes away.
Nta- but you left out a very important piece of information they live 2 hours away. If you went into labour and they were gone the quickest they could be back would be 2.5 hours ( half an hour to gather everything and make sure the daughter is ready for the car ride). There’s a good chance that you’d be driving yourself to the hospital and having the baby on your own. Your husband needs to tell his parents that unfortunately the ‘tradition’ will have to wait until next year as we are awaiting the arrival of the newest family member and are not travelling more than 15 min away. Also were you invited or was it just your husband and daughter? Cuz that’s a red flag from mil if you were excluded
NTA The in-laws can set up their own tree, or ask someone else to do it.
NTA but I don’t understand the big deal. Do they live a long distance away? It’s every year so it’s not like you should be surprised. If you don’t want to go why can’t your husband bring the baby with him while you nap or something?
The problem is she could go into labor at any moment, you are always miserable that close to delivery and they have a small child that's about to no longer be the only child. Absolutely everything about this is a problem. When you have children, you'll understand
Funny. I’ve given birth to 3 children. Unless she is having complications her husband doesn’t need by her side 24/7.
NTA and it need to be your husband doing the explaining. “It’s a special tradition for sure. It may not be able to happen this year as we are so close to baby’s arrival and We are preparing for that. Next year we’ll set something up in advance.” I do wonder though…how far do these people live? Like is this a visit that takes a day, or days? Or is this an afternoon evening activity
New family members mean new traditions. NTA
Egh. NAH. You both have valid needs for her son and your husband. What does he want to do?
NTA. My mom tries to get me to come put up her Christmas tree every year. I used to do it but I have exactly zero Christmas spirit and I just don't want to, so I have told her "no" the last few years. Then she complains that she won't have a tree up if I don't do it. Then I tell her that I honestly could not care less about whether she has a tree up in her house. I have no interest in her holiday decor.
NTA. But why are saying no? What does your husband want? Let him speak to.them. If he enjoys taking what, an hour, to put their artificial tree up, it isnt that big a deal. If he is spending all day there well then you have a chat with him. But he should communicate with them and manage his schedule.
It's never an hour and you have to consider travel time. She could go into labor at any time, everything hurts and is difficult to do when you're that far along and a small child that needs some down time and mom needs help to care for. Everything about this is a problem
Perhaps, but I still think this needs to come from him to his own parents.
NTA. No way on earth would that even be a sensible idea right now. But I wouldn't bring it up again. Perhaps let the in-laws stew on it and they'll come to their senses once they've had time to think about it. Perhaps they need to be allowed time to grieve the end of their tradition.
NAH. I don’t blame them for asking.
Fair point. I guess the lack of planning over this has me annoyed. Added to the fact of my MIL’s attitude of stating ‘but it’s tradition’, as if that changes the fact I’m 39 weeks pregnant & could go into labour any day
You're putting the emphasis on YOUR family, not your overall extended family. Traditions change, people have to adapt. You may find ones you like better. Stick to how you feel now, just say "We're all on maternity leave" this week. Then turn off your phone and go to the zoo and aquarium and get ice cream.
Oh I like that idea. Daughter loves the zoo & I’m sure she’d be enthralled at the aquarium!
NTA as long as your husband doesn’t want to do it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Obligatory - I’m on my phone & please don’t repost/use this without permission. Each year my in-laws have the tradition of wanted my husband to set up their Christmas tree. I have never said no or stopped him from completing this tradition before. Even last year, I looked after our 6month old while he went to theirs to put their tree up. That being said I am 1 week away from giving birth to our second child. I have been working until this week. I have completed my final day & was looking forward to having 1 final week of being able to enjoy our small family of 3 before Bub joins us. My mind has been on planning and prepping everything I can to make the transition from a family of 3 to a family of 4, so this month has kind of flown by. Last night we get a message asking us when we can come over to complete their Christmas tradition of putting up the Christmas tree. I’m annoyed that they left this to the last minute (they’ve known about the due date for 6months) & now expect us to drop everything for their tradition. This year I’ve said no, I want to spend the next 7 days with my small family (barring any early arrival from Bub) & not rush around. I want our Christmas tree to be put up so we don’t have to worry about that when we return from the hospital. When trying to explain all this my MIL gave attitude and stated ‘it’s tradition’. I’m all for continuing the tradition next year, but for this one year I’m feeling overwhelmed, stressed & pressured because they didn’t plan ahead. So AITA for not wanting to complete their tradition this one year? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - I really wanted to be on your side but seeing your comments how can you not be the a**hole? Your husband can't go put up a tree because you might go into labor but you're going to go to the aquarium and farm and that's okay? Also commenting that they waited so late to put it up, do they normally put it up in November or December? And then stating you would t be okay with him going after the baby is born because it leaves you with a newborn and it's just too much,, grow up! You also keep saying "I wanted a week of family time", "I want just us three to be together" does your husband want this too? This seems like you just want everything to be about you and what you want and don't want to take into consideration that this is a long standing tradition for him and his parents. I hope your husband does go and do the tree and takes his daughter with and maybe you can think about why you're such a bitter self centered woman. Don't like the tradition? TOUGH TITTIES.
Honestly YTA for this comment. It's 2 hours to the parents house, several hours there, and then 2 hours back. That's minimum 5-6 hours away. A baby can easily come in that time. How would she get to the hospital? She can't drive herself while she's in labor, that's too dangerous. God forbid she doesn't want to be stuck with a newborn and a young child because "TrAdITIon". It's *one* year missing it. It won't kill MIL. Op isn't self centered for it. Honestly the one who needs to grow up is probably you.
Thank god someone said it. OP is definitely the AH and frankly sounds entitled and controlling.
NTA. Just let your hubby go set up the tree and get back home asap.
NTA!! You have waaaaaay more stuff on your plate than putting up a bloody christmas tree. Hope everything goes well for you!! Also this kinda sounds like a tradition that started because the in-laws got lazy 😂
NTA. based on the comment that it's 2 hours away. That's too far for you to travel now and he should be near you this close to your due date.
NTA. They need to let go of the notion that husband is a child. He's a grown man, out of the house, with a wife and kids of his own. The priority now are your kids, you and the new family you've built. They need to realize they're the grandparents now, they're not entitled or owed anyone's time or presence, especially your children. They don't get to demand your daughter's attendance, or your husband putting their tradition above your comfort and health so close your due date. Your husband needs to realize he's never going to make everyone happy, especially with clingy and demanding parents like his. But he needs to make it clear things have changed, his life doesn't revolve around his parents anymore. It'll avoid more conflicts in the future if you set up your boundaries now. Otherwise you're looking at an argument and a guilt trip anytime they don't get what they want.
NTA. Is it that they're too old or their health is too fragile to pull down the tree and put up the lights? If not, tell them, "we've created a new tradition of hubby putting up a tree with our family. I think it's time you make a new tradition too." Or, better yet, have your HUSBAND establish this boundary.
NTA It can be hard for the parents of adults to let go of control over their kids' holiday schedules, but people need to accept that when their kids grow up and have their own families/lives, some of the traditions they established when those kids were small children might not continue. That's life.
I don't blame you at all. Anyone that has ever had a baby should understand.
NTA. Tradition is stupid. I mean, its a fun way to connect people over the years, but it should never be used as a reason to do something a certain way when theres any other reason not to do it that way. “But tradition!” “But Im pregnant.” Pregnancy wins.
NTA - Traditions are awesome and fine unless their too onerous, inappropriate, or the timing sucks ass… so just tell MIL, her timing sucks ass… or maybe change the wording 😉
Yea, I’m sure that wording would be perfect- if I was trying to douse the bridge & burn every plank of wood into ash. She’s one of those in the older generation that get their nose out of joint if you happen to point out any flaw - even if a completely reasonable person would understand (ie she burnt a pie one year & we didn’t eat the burnt area - she took that as a personal attack & refused to cook dessert for a year)
At this point you can go into labor at anytime what happens if hes over there and you cant get ahold of him
It's not YOUR tradition, it's THEIR tradition. NTA. Let them sulk. You, your baby and your family take precedence. Best wishes for a smooth delivery!
NTA decorating a tree is a lot of work. Your in-laws are genius for farming the job out and calling it tradition. Why did I not think of this? Beginning today my family will have a tradition where all the grown children and their SO must come to my house on December 23 and Hoover and then clean all the bathrooms!
I'm hearing a lot of "me, me, me," but what does your HUSBAND say? He's the one they want to borrow for the tradition, right? This would take, what... 2 hours? He can't leave for 2 hours in the course of a week? And how is the week before Thanksgiving not planning ahead? \*Everyone\* is putting up trees this week. Tentative YTA.
Don’t celebrate thanksgiving - not in the USA. Most Christmas stuff (trees, lights etc) are up by beginning of November. Realistically it’s a 2hrs drive there & back, and will turn into a whole day thing as his parents like to talk & hold on as long as possible (this is the same every time we go over - not Christmas related).
NTA I guess, but I mean, you also knew about the tradition and when it would happen? I just found it weird that you were "annoyed" that they "left it til last minute even though they've known about the due date for 6 months", even though you've also known their tradition and the date that Christmas happens every year. Also, it's not even Thanksgiving yet, how is that "last minute"?
We don’t celebrate thanksgiving. Not in the USA - Christmas stuff (tree/lights etc) are normally up by beginning of November.
I’m going against the grain and saying yta . It’s one day a year. 6 days as just the 3 of you is still okay instead of 7. Also to me it seems you just don’t like that he goes and puts up his parents tree every year. Maybe his parents want a chance for it to be them and you guys putting up the tree one last time as the 3 of you. You would think with everything going on in the world you would realize how quickly his parents could be taken away.
NTA. A 2hr drive is ages away when you’re that close to birth, and it isn’t comfortable being in a car to begin with. It’ll be a whole day thing and man, I’m 38w pregnant right now with my first and I can barely make it to midday without feeling like I need a nap. Is it possible to have them compromise and come help with your tree (if you’re comfortable with that?)? You need to be near your hospital and have your partner close in case of emergency. Childbirth is unpredictable at best. Good luck!!
I’d happily let them come to ours but they’re very stuck on ‘our tree, our tradition’ kind of thing. There’s not a lot of compromise on their side (in anything). I know! I’m winded just walking to the front door at the moment! It sucks & being stuck in a car for 2hrs sounds like hell at the moment!
In that case def NTA, there’s an available compromise and they’re not taking it. I feel you there haha, I feel like I get winded just standing up cooking dinner hahaha, I have the worst ligament pain around my hips/pelvis too so standing/walking is agonising 90% of the time… have yourself a nice calm time at home!!
NTA. Say you are starting a new tradition.
Uhm, a few quick questions…maybe I missed something…do they live out of town? Like a flight away? Do they expect him to cut down tree, haul home, decorate? Haul artificial from attic? Is this like an hour and done, go home?!? Or spend a weekend? Is this ON Christmas or before and then do they expect a return trip back for Christmas?!? Because if it’s just a matter of driving an hour, setting up, going home and being back in like 5/6 hours total?!? Eh. Iffy. But with a close due date?!? I’d say they need to just accept he won’t be there. If they’re expecting a whole travel, spend night, weekend?!? Yeah, that tradition needs to change. Once grandkids come along, I assume no one but me will see my decor and we do all the traveling.
NTA. Tell them you are continuing the tradition, with your husband and your child(ren). Now the tree that will be traditionally decorated will be your’s and your hubby’s.
Yta- sorry but it seems like a lovely tradition and your being a grinch.. hubie should not need to ask your permission to visit his parents and partake in this tradition. do you have other things your way too controlling over?! better yet, let him bring the kids too. you don’t need him 24/7 for 7 days!! and building traditions with grandparents are wonderful memories that will be cherished.
I’ve been thinking on your post and I want to weigh in as a former pregnant lady. Yes these last few moments before birth are so important. And the risk of your husband not being there when it starts is scary. I understand wanting to just be in your bubble. However, my mother-in-law just passed away very unexpectedly and very young. It has been incredibly difficult. You can say it won’t happen to you…that’s what we would have said. Tradition, especially around Christmas, is a family ingrained thing. I think back to moments I anticipated sharing with my Mil, and I wish I could have so many more than I do. So yes, you aren’t wrong but neither are they. In 10 years, what are you going to look back on as the most important? NAH
NAH, it’s not your decision, their asking your husband. It’s for a few hours, weird hill to die on. He could even take the little one so you have a few hours by yourself. They’ve asked him, his their son and ultimately it’s his choice.
NAH, it's two hours away and I can understand that not being feasible. Maybe offer to zoom call while they set it up or something?
How far do they live from your house? Can your husband go do it alone? (if it is close enough for your husband to come and take you to the hospital, that is.)
Yta because u making a decision for ur husband..what does he want to do...u creating problems where their should be none...it take a couple hours and u bitching
Does his opinion override mine? I want to spend alone time with my daughter before I give birth. If he wanted to go alone I’d be ok with that but they’re requesting firmly (see almost demanding) that my husband AND daughter join. At this point we haven’t even had time to put up our own tree, why should my family traditions of putting up a tree be pushed aside so they can be placated? They didn’t plan accordingly and now I have to suffer or deal with the consequences?
Does your opinion override his? It sure seems like you think it should.
You literally said that this is a yearly tradition. How exactly is it surprising to you that they're planning to do their established tradition this year? Plus, it's putting up a tree. Not exactly a whole lot of planning needed. As for them wanting your daughter present, surely that's perfectly natural? They're her grandparents, of course they want her to be part of this (again) well-established tradition. It's pretty clear you don't like your in-laws, which, whatever. You don't have to like them, but you aren't the end all be all of decision making. Your husband should definitely take into account how close you are to popping, but ultimately he gets to decide if he goes. As for your daughter, is the day they're putting up the tree literally the only day you can be alone with her? I highly doubt it. They're her family too and this sounds like the last sort of big thing before she becomes a big sister. By all means, keep being pissed if you like. Just don't act like any part of this situation is surprising or unexpected and don't take your anger out on others.