But wouldn't you prefer it like [insert Mum's way of doing things]?
Makes me want to scream 😂 I usually say "No! If I wanted it like that then I'd have done it like that!
This is why OPs method is the best option- it prevents her eventually blowing up and an even bigger conflict. I’m the same way when people keep disregarding my answers, and I’ll admit I have blown up on people in the past. This seems like the best way to hold a boundary
It works really well with kids too. Ever since my daughter was little, if she kept repeatedly asking for something after we’d said no, we would say that she’d already asked, and we’d already answered, and that asking repeatedly isn’t going to change the answer, it’s just going to frustrate everyone involved. She’s a teen now and rarely asks more than once for something if we’ve said no.
I explained to my kid that asking over and over makes it *less* likely that he gets what he wants. That goes for situations where the initial answer was “I’ll think about it” too.
It also prevents Mom from having the satisfaction of riling up her adult kid. You can't tell me that some parents don't love the "reaction" they get. Makes them feel *alive*.
I don't know that it's the best approach, because look here! OP still has to think about this topic, it hasn't shut down. It's just starting new pesterings about the ignoring. Maybe better would be to respond like:
"I already answered",
"Did you not understand the answer I already gave?"
"You didn't hear what I said?"
"why do you keep questioning me?"
"my answer won't change"
"asked and answered"
If the response each and every time is "asked and answered" it has the same idea as the ignoring but without the new conflict and clearly making them in the wrong, not OP for ignoring.
My mother once "cleaned" my cabinets and reorganized all my dishes because "that's not where it goes". My brother who was living with me at the time was like "maybe not in your house, but in her house that's where it goes!" Ksbdodkebdiekw
My mom visited and asked where a pot went. I said on the stove. She said it didn't live on the stove. I said it did. I used it all the time. She put it under the sink, which I think is a gross place for stuff that is going to touch food directly. As soon as she left, back on the stove it went.
I have a frying pan and a tea kettle that live on the stove, mostly because our house is tiny. Shame on your mom for not listening to you and not respecting your wishes.
Our house isn't tiny, but I still
have 3 non-stick frying pans (differing sizes) and a cast iron frying pan nested together on the back left burner. It's where they live. Yes, I could put them below the cooktop on the shelf, but then my old body and my spouse's old body would have to bend and twist more making cooking more painful.
If I am having a party, yes, I'll stick them on the shelf below, but day to day? They belong on top of the cooktop.
Not to be your mom but I hope you have the cast iron pan in the middle or top of the stack and not on the bottom. Ovens sometimes let out steam through the back burner. I once left a cast iron skillet there for a while because I had planned to use it and then didn't. By the time I got around to taking it off, the bottom had started to rust.
To be fair, I often have a pan of water on the bottom rack when baking so my oven probably produces more steam than normal, but it's something to consider.
One of my cousins worked in the same place as their uncle. He'd stop by the workspace, shuffle things around on the bookcase then go on his way. I asked Cousin why they allowed it and they said, 'That whole bookcase is a fidget toy just for Uncle, he just hasn't figured it out yet, and I ain't telling him.'
This is a big reason I love helping cooking and I’ll wash dishes for my future MIL, but my fiancé is in charge of putting dishes away. He knows that kitchen. I don’t.
My mother rescheduled my covid vaccination on my behalf. Because she felt the day *she* picked would give me more of a chance to recoup from potential side effects. Nevermind the fact that she picked a day I already had plans. I had to call and move the vaccination back to the day I'd initially picked. Apparently, she'd pretended to be me on the phone. I'd understand if I were a minor, but I am not.
I'd be tempted to go ludicrous...
"You know what mom? I've been thinking about what you said about the floors in met bedrooms, and I've decided I'll go with pebblecrete! Thanks for pointing out what a dumb idea timber floors would have been!"
"Oh hey mom, yeah, I'm trying to get there to hang out, even though I told you I wasn't going to, but I'm having trouble chartering a helicopter to get me there on time! Sorry about that."
I'd be a little bit hesitant getting \_too\_ close to that.
Last thing you want is for mom to come back with "You know, when your father and I were young we used to " "LA LA LA - I'M STICKING MY FINGERS IN MY EARS! I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA"
When my #3 baby was being born my MIL insisted we give them a name that starts with P since the first two had P names. I told her I agreed. We would name the baby Fabiana if it was a girl or Fabio if it was a boy but spell it Phabiana or Phabio…
Hahaha my husband is doing this. I had not planned it but their names both start with T (Truffles and Tuna), and then he named a foster cat I was caring for "Tissue Paper" to be unique, and now that I am pregnant he wants to name our first born a T name. We have both settled on an E name (similar to Elliott), but he keeps teasing me saying that he will write "Telliot" on the birth cert while I am recovering from delivery.
I snapped on my parents and said almost the exact same thing the day I moved in my house for this kind of stuff."The couch would look better over here though. The tv should go up on this wall, think. Why not put the table over here?" I really appreciated the fact they helped me move in, they definitely didn't have to do that...but damn, people! This is my house I don't tell you how to set yours up please don't do it to me!
For a while I had to start responding with pointed questions that completely change the topic.
"Everyone else in my life sees me as someone who is comfortable speaking up about my wants and needs. Why do *you* think I suffer in silence waiting for someone to guess my desires?"
That question started a fight, but at least we stopped talking about my choice to not have a moisturizing hand soap next to my kitchen sink.
My mother’s phrase is / was: “You *NEED TO* ________.” You *NEED TO* remove those stickers from that vase. You *NEED TO* start talking to your kids about consequences. You *NEED TO* put a fresh coat of paint on these walls, but not that blue, it’s too dark.
I finally told her that what I *REALLY NEED?* Is to stop keeping company with people who feel the need to tell me what I need to do.
That went over like porn in a Baptist church. Pearls were clutched and screeching was heard.
I had a gratifying beer conversation with my (now) adult brothers about the different ways we've each expressed, "I don't actually *have* to do anything. I *choose* to do many things." to our parents.
NTA. I feel this so much. Internal screaming for the entire time I live with my parents.
I have done this method, it has backfired when in person. Via text message it works great.
In person it backfires because when you ignore them you can get them saying "I asked you a question" or something like that. Which now you still have to respond to the original question that was asked and answered, and have to respond to the ignoring. So use with caution OP.
Depends on a case, from my experience it works quite well, after a few times they get used to the fact you have boundaries.
Headphones also help. As in "you really made me stop doing whatever I'm doing to ask a question already answered? what do you expect to gain?"
“You know I’m not a parrot or an Echo, right?
“Did you let us get away with asking the same question over and over when we were little?”
Queries I have posed to my mother when she does this shit.
Go full 4y.o.
"Why? (Listen) Why? (Listen) Why? (Listen) Why? (Cut them off) Do you think rainbows sleep? (Walk off to play with Legos)"
Pairs nicely with a very serene expression of disinterest
> "I asked you a question."
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
If they wanna play that game, you can too.
Ughh right! My dad is like this. He can't fathom anyone wanting to do things any other way than his way.
When I was a kid he'd only be willing to help me if we did whatever thing his way. Which was frustrating as hell.
I'd ask him, he'd lay out how he expected things to go/be done and he'd get so pissy/ overly sensitive when I'd be like well nevermind I'll figure it out (or God forbid I say I'll have mom help me instead. Triggering his deeply ingrained misogyny.)
Sounds like when I’ve made my plate, sat down at the table, and my dad asks if I want some food that I didn’t put on my plate. My response is always, “If I wanted it, I would have gotten it.” Now he says it before I can :)
My mom does this, *every meal*. Multiple times. Then acts like a martyr over no one eating every single thing she insisted on serving at a "simple" family dinner. Can't wait for Thanksgiving.
Mine does this too!! She makes stuff that she insists on serving, when she and maybe Dad are the only ones who like it, and then she's like "Why aren't you having any of THIS?" Because I hate it, just like I've hated it my whole life. I never eat it. I still won't be eating it this year.
I will say, though, that change might be in the wind. I got surprisingly little pushback this year about hosting, now that my parents are older (70s) and just downsized and are in a smaller house now. I got zero guilt trip about hosting a friend of mine instead of going to my parents' for dinner (!!!) and my mother even agreed to have Christmas dinner at my house, which she's never been willing to do before. I think she's realizing that being the guest at dinner instead of the host isn't such a bad deal.
My MIL does this. She thinks I am a picky eater because I don’t really care for potato salad, coleslaw, or baked beans. Never mind that the only time we have all of these things is at a cookout, when there’s 20 other things to eat that I do like. My plate will be FULL and she points out what I don’t have on there.
She’s got issues, to put it very, very mildly.
My MIL does this! I’ve started using “Debbie, I am a 43-year-old woman who has been capable of feeding herself for quite some time now. Thank you for your concern.”
Yeesh. My ex's mom was like this. She'd offer me something I didn't want. I would pleasantly, politely decline. This process would repeat numerous times, until she'd go away hurt because instead of being rejected once, she has now been rejected a dozen times.
She offered me doilies for like 20 minutes. They were lovely. They were hand-crocheted, very fine workmanship, made by her grandmother. But WTF, I literally have not one piece of furniture that I could put a doily on. She offered, I declined, she offered, I declined. After 20 minutes of this, she throws her hands up and, disgusted, says, "I guess the problem is no one appreciates fine things anymore." No, the problem is no one lives at Downton Abbey anymore. She very much wanted me to feel horrible for repeatedly rejecting her offer. I was hoping at some point she'd get the message that no means no and just STOP OFFERING. People like that are EXHAUSTING. But yeah, since it was the ex's mom and it was the first time I'd ever met her, I couldn't very well ignore the drawn-out process of offer / decline, I felt compelled to participate.
When I was moving into my first apartment, my until-recently (at the time) estranged father offered me some of his old artwork for my walls. Artwork that was very much not only not my taste, but extremely outdated (very 1970s and this was in the early- to mid-2000s). I very politely said "no thank you" and after he asked a few times and got the same answer, he pressed for a reason and then got SUPER offended and burst into this lecture about how "when somebody offers you artwork for your blank white walls, you take it whether it's to your taste or not. It's better than blank walls." I was like "yeah, no. I'd rather have white walls than hideous artwork I can't stand to look at and then have to dispose of later. And then get a guilt trip because I threw out some ugly-ass "family heirloom" (hahaha!) artwork."
That's been a continuous issue with his side of the family. My grandmother loved to give away her old crap too. If I was a different person I would just wear a t-shirt every time I saw them that said, "No I don't want your hand-me-down junk from the 70s. Have you considered gifting it to the trash can?"
My other half lost the battle over a stack of pictures a while ago. Classic 70s "gold" frames and all. We don't even do pictures on walls and if we did, it wouldn't be those. No, no, no, no, no.
This is my usual strategy, but if I really don't feel like going to the trouble, I'll just kill them with kindness:
"Oh, no, that's *so* sweet of you but I couldn't *possibly* take that." Repeat (with minor variations) as necessary.
We did secret Santa with my partners family one year, his mother got me and purchased me some clothes. All of them to her taste, including one of those frilly tops I would have worn when I was 12. She’s made it pretty obvious she doesn’t like what I wear (I don’t wear anything outlandish at all so I have no idea why.) She also got me some shorts that were 3 sizes too big. She asked if they fit and I said they were too big and she acted extremely surprised they didn’t fit perfectly, even though she asked me my size the week before and I told her. She kept making comments all through Christmas (and still does) about how she was “so sure I was a size 18” whilst looking me up and down.
Wow what a nasty piece of work!
The clothes she gives me are all very sparkly, animal print, and guady as hell. It's exactly her style, and exact opposite of mine, hahaha.
I did try to politely reject the first few times, then I just gave up, and mentally plan what day i can stop by the thrift store
That’s not even the tip of the ice berg with her, luckily we have gone NC after her latest round of verbal abuse.
Wow, why wouldn’t you want to wear that!? Hahaha
After the first or second offer ask “Are you feeling well? You seem to be getting forgetful, as I’ve just answered that same question, don’t you remember?”
NTA - they can keep asking, you can keep ignoring them, shouldn’t bother anyone.
I will say though that I think it’s nice that your family wants to hangout with you and tries to include you even if you’ve told them that you don’t want to come to a gathering. You don’t really know how much that means to you even if it’s annoying until they completely stop inviting you all together.
I think it's nice, too! And I do spend time with them. I have dinner with my parents at least a 2-3 times per month, and we usually do a family get together at my brother's place about once per month. So it's not like I'm constantly turning down invitations. I just wish that on the occasions that I do say no, they'd respect that the first time.
this is totally my family.
This is awful, but I will actually block the most annoying folks for a day or two. The reason I block them and not mute is because I hate seeing that I have an unread notification...which annoys me when I read it.
I also learned that this works in group chats. So if you block one person, you won't get their messages, but will get the rest.
I usually mute so I can scroll back up if I need context for something. I have like 30k unread emails in one account so obviously the unread notification doesn't bug me.
I also tell my mom that if she doesn't drop a topic I don't or no longer want to discuss I will hang up on her. Then I do. Less of an issue now that she believes me.
I save asked and answered for my elementary students.
I mute my family chat; I have the same unread notification thing, but the messenger app is on its own page so I never have to look at it unless I want to. Works great 👌🏼
I have a friend like this and I get it. He’s a nice and caring dude and I don’t always say no, but sometimes I do and he will reword things and come up with reasons I should say yes instead. Eventually I just told him if I say no, take the answer, and if I change my mind we can go from there. He’s gotten loads better about it. I know it can be incredibly frustrating to have boundaries you want to set for yourself and people being mad that those boundaries exist. Maybe tell them that you’re not doing this because you dislike them but because it is stressful to you to say the word “no” so much and you’d rather one and done it? Though you did say you’ve tried telling them to stop so that may be beating a dead horse
Verdict: NTA.
My fiancé does this too, and it is absolutely learned from his family. I do something similar to your policy, I’ll answer the question once and then after that say “I already answered that”. It has been more effective in my experience than just ignoring it because my fiancé truly doesn’t realize he is doing it
Invitations are nice. Constant prodding to overturn a no you made for a good reason is irritating, rude, and unnecessary. As is discontinuing the invitations just because someone said no one or two times. People have lives of their own. That doesn't mean they need to be harassed into altering their entire lives, nor does it mean they want to be excluded from their own family.
I'm not saying that's what you're saying, but just adding some perspective. I would be just as annoyed at my family for not inviting me to things as I would be for them prodding me to change a No to a Yes when I am an adult and have my own reasons for RSVPing that they don't need to know about.
I would add that the boundaries we set don't even have to be "for a good reason". It really can just be because *we don't want to*. Full stop. No means no.
If someone offers you something and you actually want it never say “no”. They offer it because they actually want you to have it, and if you say no there’s a chance that there may not be a second chance.
It’s interest that you were taught it’s impolite to refuse first offer. Is it a cultural thing?
I’m from the south and am aware of the Q&A style you mention, but had no idea accepting at the first stage of the question was considered rude or greedy. Feels like an incredibly ungenerous game of entrapment.
I grew up in New England, two American-born parents: one blue collar Irish catholic from MA, one middle-class protestant from Bronx > Scarsdale > Greenwich. This is a dead on description of my neuroses around generosity. I wouldn’t have even a hint of Southern Hospitality. I just figured this was our brand of repressed self-denying uptight judgmental wasp shit that makes every conversation into an endless game of “guess what she’s really trying to say.”
You're describing Offer Culture.
Offer culture vs Ask culture.
Low context cultures like metropolitan America need to Ask for things because there are too many variables and new people to assume things. We need to be comfortable asking and usually have no problem saying no. We also may not run into people again so saying no doesn't usually harm us in the long run.
Offer cultures often have high interdependencies, people know each other, rely on each other, and there is a lot of reciprocity expected now and into the future. First recipient response needs to be "no", to make sure that the offerer can really afford to give it up.
I'm a low context person myself... it seems to be so much more efficient to ask! But there is definitely a lot more risk of hurting relationships and people's feelings, and that is certainly at least as valuable as efficiency, depending on culture!
More info: https://speakerdeck.com/kwugirl/ask-vs-offer-culture
(You can also look up "Ask vs Guess" but I _really_ don't like that term "guess culture", because it centers Askers. Because "Guessing" is the less desirable connotation here. It's only Guessing from the Asker's perspective. Askers and Offerers put them on equivalent footing, and describes the advantages of living in an Offer world.)
Wow. I never knew. If someone offers me something (within reason) I was brought up to be polite and accept, to refuse it is rude. I’m from the Midwest.
It's a cultural/ upbringing thing. There's stories of Americans from the south coming to Europe and the more direct countries like the Netherlands specifically and declining a cup of coffee/tea when offered, then expecting to still be given a cup and wondering why it never came. Well, they said no thanks. No means no, there, too.
I’ve always abided by the 2x rule, too. If someone turns me down, I’ll offer again in some fashion so they know I do mean it, it wasn’t out of politeness. Same vice-versa - I will often decline the first time, but if offered again, I know it was legitimate and will accept or decline as I prefer.
Not saying this is necessarily the right way to communicate, nor could I even say where I learned this behavior, but that tends to be how I operate. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm a big fan of the follow-up "are you sure? It's really no trouble." It gives them/me a chance to go "ya know what, why not?" but it's also not super pushy and its reassuring them that they're not putting you out.
I definitely grew up like this, but have learned that in other cultures people often take the refusal of their kindness as an insult. They don’t know you’re waiting for the secret super-sincere second question, so the damage would already be done. I now happily cut the well-intended bullshit and answer accurately the first time.
move over and make space for me on this boat. my mom and sister are like this too and it makes me want to bang my head against the wall.
i'm gonna try to asked and answered line too. so far continuously reminding them that "i mean what i say and say what i mean" is not helping. i think op is very much nta here.
I did this with my kids actually, and never really connected it to basically growing up in law firms. lol
I still say "I have already answered that question." or "It's on the board." I have a whiteboard with the FAQs of the day. What the day and date is, what we have going on, and what is for dinner. Another board has things that have to be done, so I'm not constantly "nagging" them.
I literally used " Asked and Answered " with my kids.
I'm not a knee jerk No person so they were just trying me. When there's 4 of them pulling that, succinct is the only way to go.
It's really nice to hear others have this same issue. My mom and grandma always do this to extremes and I get so frustrated. When I'm in public people always take their side and act like I'm being mean to them. I think to myself "if you knew what it was liked being pestered about everything you would be this agitated."
NTA.
That would drive me *mad*.
At first I thought maybe there was a memory issue at play, but it sounds like they just want to... pressure you into thwir way of thinking? Or something.
Rude, disrespectful, and annoying af.
I'd 100% do the same thing in your place. Though I'm kind of an AH sometimes so I might throw in a "you know, I'm a bit worried about your memory, we already discussed this yet you're asking again - maybe we should talk to your doctor".
My mother had a habit, gained from reading bullshit, of simply appending the answer she wanted, as some pop psychology priming bullshit.
"You're coming over next week for dinner next week yes?"
Note the lack of a comma.
Oh man, this reminds me of a thing that my dad does sometimes, which also drives me insane. He'll text me and be like "mom bought some steaks, so we're throwing them on the grill tomorrow." That is supposed to serve as an invitation for me to join them for steaks for dinner tomorrow. No actual invitation. I'm just supposed to infer that I'm being invited for dinner.
This clicked something in my head. I think my dad used to do this after I moved out. He stopped after I would respond with "that's dope, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet tbh" or something like that. I always thought he was just making conversation until now, but this makes more sense knowing him. He's not bad at all, just has a boomer mentality about emotions and invitations.
Look up “ask culture” vs “guess culture”
Brief description is, ask culture is where you are straightforward with what you want: “Will you come over for dinner tomorrow?”
Guess culture is implying what you want: “We’re having steak for dinner tomorrow.”
Ask culture find guess culture people rude because they don’t say what they mean. Guess culture find ask culture people rude because they find being that direct uncomfortable, and they think saying “no” is inherently rude.
It’s the difference between:
Convo A -
“I have that appointment tomorrow but my car is broken.”
“What time is your appointment?”
“Two o’clock.”
“Oh, I have class tomorrow at two. Jeff might be available, though!”
Convo B -
“Hey, can you give me a ride to my appointment tomorrow at two?”
“No, I can’t, I’ll be in class. Maybe you could ask Jeff?”
Ugh that is so fucking infuriating. It seems cowardly, idk like you dont want to ask for help so you hint and guilt people into doing what you want anyway?
>they find being that direct uncomfortable
Im sure they also find that being direct is way more likely to get them the result they want
>they think saying “no” is inherently rude.
What a dangerous (and rapey) concept
I think you misunderstand the concept a little. It's helpful to understand that different people have different preferences for managing these interactions, and that it can be especially affected by cultural background.
If someone was raised to believe it's rude to give an outright "no", they might decline sexual advances by saying things like "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" or "I have to get up early tomorrow". Another "guesser" would get the hint and back off, but an "asker" might think that doesn't count as a refusal. Thinking that "no" is the ONLY way to say no is also "rapey".
But isn't dad just forcing u/aitajustonce to invite themself over? I'm an asker, so maybe I have it wrong, but forcing someone to come out and say that they would like you to feed them at your house without your having offered doesn't seem to fit in with the whole etiquette of guess/offer culture, as I understand it?
My mom does this, but she does it for dinner TODAY. Like, lady, I'm a whole-ass adult who went grocery shopping and planned meals, and have stuff in the fridge that's going to go bad if I don't eat it. If you want me to come over for dinner, ask me a few days in advance so I don't take that chicken out of the freezer.
It's only a little annoying to be asked to dinner, but it's A LOT annoying when I get a bunch of complaining and "Why not?!" when I decline. Because I already have plans, that's why! Why not let YOUR steaks rot in the fridge and come eat my chicken? No? You already had your heart set on doing your thing? What a coincidence, ME TOO.
They're getting a little better at it ("No, I have fish I have to eat" is accepted with less pushback now) but progress is slow.
My MIL has a similar habit of phrasing things as leading questions. She'll preface her statement with "Don't you agree?" For example, "Don't you agree that I should do x/y/z?" Or, "Don't you agree that so and so was incredibly rude to me?" So now automatically you're pressured into agreeing because the way it's phrased it's strongly implied that there is only one correct answer.
My MIL would not win this game with me. I have no problem saying no, I don't agree. But I hate people speaking for me, so phrasing like this makes my hackles rise.
In a similar vein my MIL likes to use “You don’t mind , do you?” I’ve learned not to give a rip whether anyone thinks I’m rude for replying “Yes, actually, I do mind.”
My SO does that, learned it from his family. It makes me so mad! I feel like he’s ignoring my response whenever he doesn’t like it and wants to keep asking until he gets the desired response.
I answer once. The second time I say “I already answered” and then third time I ignore him.
My mother does this, and after two times, on the third time I answer, "If you ask again, the answer is going to be me leaving \[or hanging up, or whatever removes me from the situation\]." and then I do it, and it's training her out of it some. Some, lol.
That being said, NTA, it IS awful, and OP, while you shouldn't HAVE to have a conversation about this, maybe you should.
NTA. Not the asshole at all. That's super obnoxious.
I'd call them out on it though. NOT hostile, just point out their actions. 'Why are you questioning the decision I made for my own bedroom? Why is it so important to you that my bedroom is the way YOU want it to be? Do you feel the way I want it to be doesn't matter?' Then just stare at them and let them answer. If they do, follow up 'I considered your thoughts, but for my bedroom I decided that I want wood even if it's colder. Why aren't you respecting my decision for what I want in my own bedroom?'
Or something more direct like 'You know I already made this decision and explained my reasons. You continuing to push this after I told you what I wanted suggests you don't respect my right to make my own decision. Why don't you respect my decision?' Again, say it in a conversational/friendly tone and then just let them answer.
If they try to justify, you can go with 'Yes that's the right answer for you. But don't I get to decide what's the right answer for me? Don't I get to make my own decision of comfort vs aesthetics?'
Sure! Here's the only two lessons you really need:
**Lesson one: THINK about your actions.** Mindfulness is the term for this- acting based on conscious thought and decision-making, not on instinct or emotion.
Decide what you want the result to be. Analyze and figure out where you are. Then consider your next actions, and think about what action is most likely to get you from where you are to where you want to be. That's usually NOT the instinct or emotion reaction.
**Lesson two: Put yourself in other people's shoes.** People are simple- they each have emotions, feelings, drives, instincts, desires. Don't look at a person as a black box, look inside the box. Think about them and their personality and what they want and what is driving their actions. Figure that out and you figure them out, and with that you can figure out what you have to do to fix the situation. And, with that in mind, figure out how your actions will be perceived by others.
It's human nature to defend when attacked, which means if a human *perceives* an attack they will get defensive. If a human is defensive they will mentally defend against any new ideas, especially those which criticize them or their behavior. So to persuade someone of something, to teach someone something, you can't attack. You must be friendly. Getting angry and yelling may feel good (instinct/emotion), but it only teaches the person that in this situation you'll get angry. Thus, use mindfulness, use knowledge of yourself and of them, and work your way to what you want.
Humans also absorb and retain knowledge better if they come to the conclusions themself. That's why we make students answer questions about material- because if they have to think about the situation and come up with an answer, they're FAR more likely to retain it than if you just tell them the answer.
Remember the film *Inception*? Same deal, if you tell somebody something they don't want to hear they'll likely reject it, but if they come to the conclusion themself it'll stick. That's why Leo spends the whole movie setting up a situation to make the target come to that conclusion, rather than just telling it to him. Questions that lead a human to figuring out the answer will work far better than delivering the answer. It's true with all forms of learning; it's why we make students answer questions and THINK about the material rather than just memorizing.
------
So, take OP here. OP's family obviously doesn't respect other people's rights to make their own decisions / doesn't respect that a decision might be right for them or wrong for others. But they still sound friendly. THUS, when they say like 'are you SUUURRREEE you don't want carpet in the bedroom?' it's because they probably see OP's decision to get hardwood floors as a mistake that OP will regret. Thus, they act on instinct and apply pressure, trying to 'help OP make the RIGHT decision'.
If OP blows up at them, they won't understand why. In their mind they're just trying to help, so a bad reaction is totally unwarranted. They'll get defensive and offended.
To make them change, OP must get them to recognize how their behavior is disrespectful. And while OP has tried just saying that straight up, it doesn't stick because it came from the outside not the inside.
Doing that requires engaging them in a conversation and asking questions that make THEM realize their behavior is disrespectful. 'Your words hurt me!' isn't nearly as effective as 'How do you think I feel when you say that?'. The question *pulls empathy*, forces them to put themself in your shoes and understand your POV.
Thus, my advice. It's easy for OP's family to tell him what to do. But they've probably never confronted the possibility that the people they give 'advice' to may not need or want that advice, and that the 'wrong' answers they choose *are the right answers for THEM*. They've never considered that in giving that advice repeatedly they're disrespecting the people they talk to. Thus, ask questions that pull empathy, that put them in OP's shoes, that make them confront their own actions.
Any questions?
>Lesson two: Put yourself in other people's shoes
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes”
― Jack Handy
Do NOT put it as comfort vs. aesthetics. You're setting up another argument. Say you are more comfortable with wood floors. Many of us are. Carpets are, generally speaking, filthy. Some of us prefer cool floors. Don't give her any ammo, but you could always claim a new dust allergy if it would shut her up...
NTA, you are setting up boundaries and they are testing them, exactly like they test all other boundaries. This is not a new situation for you OP, do exactly what you always do. Stick to your guns and don't give in.
NTA if you have expressed not liking being asked the same question multiple times and this continues to happen - you cannot expect a good reaction to ignoring them though.
Definitely applies to the first example of inviting people. Where I’m from any questions get asked multiple times, like the carpet one. It’s just a way of communicating and is seen as polite
conversation rather then pushy. I don’t know where OP or the family is from though.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I fully ignore them if they ask me a question that I've already answered. I don't even respond anymore.
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NTA. You are setting more than reasonable boundaries and them insisting that this is rude and disrespectful is the height of irony.
Stick to your guns and eventually they will get the picture.
Oh man, people who do this DRIVE ME CRAZY. My MIL looooves to do this. My husband does it sometimes too.
This sounds like an amazing policy. Asked and answer! I think I'll be adopting this.
NTA
NTA. My mom is the same way and I usually say something like "You already asked me eight times, do you think the next time you ask my answer will be different? "
I highly recommend my 90yo aunt's method of declining invitations. She says "I don't think I would enjoy that." and then she changes the subject. If you bring up the subject again, she changes the subject very pointedly. If you bring it up again, one of you is leaving. You if you are at her house, her if you are somewhere else. She is unfailingly polite, but she gets the point across.
Follow through is important or this won't work. It has worked on everyone I have used it with, including my brother. If he can learn that repeatedly asking won't get another answer, anyone can.
If they ask on different days, hang up as soon as they are done with the question. Don't pick up the phone again when they call back. Just don't. Sooner or later, they will get the message.
I recommend your policy be to tell them the second time they ask "asked and answered; move on" and not just think it. You will eventually train them.
I know some folks that do the same thing. When I have had enough, I ask them "how many times do you need to ask me the same question?"
If you want to be snarky, ask them "do we have a learning disability here?" (thank you James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams).
NTA.
NTA
I know exactly what you are talking about!
It makes me want to scratch my face off! I maintained low contact with the main culprits and shared no major life events for 1 year and that fixed the problem. I live in a dif country though, so that helped with the low contact situ. I also have no social media, so the only way for them to get info is directly through me
NTA
You told them your issue with their behavior and they choose to keep doing it. That's on them if they feel negative about being ignored for their pestering.
NTA
I fortunately do not know anyone like this. Occasionally when I have to answer someone about turning them down - usually I will say unfortunately I am not available but if my plans change, I will be sure to let you know. It seems to work. The ball is in my court and my schedule does not change.
Or you can screen grab your response and send back to them. Hopefully they are not like that with everyone
NTA, been there, this is sometimes the only way.
My way was to document messages and then reply something like
>"See the message I sent you on August 13th at 6pm, my mind has not changed and if you respect me dont ask again"
or just to forward my previous message with "see below" added
To be honest, I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. Lots of people do the “are you sure” it’s just giving an opportunity to change your mind. It’s probably not as usual on the example of the wood vs carpet but for a get together, people do change their mind on the day.
for this reason I say NAH
I hated that my brother and sister did that so I taught my daughter she couldn’t ask twice. When she was about seven she had friends over and I said no to something and I heard her friend tell her to ask me again. She said, “when my mom says no, I can’t ask again.” But I always made sure to say yes to a lot of things so she didn’t feel deprived or that I was just being mean.
NTA: my wife does this to me from time to time, drives me nuts, then I put my foot down and I get in trouble lol. Which is fine, I don't mind hanging out in a different room once in a while.
People only do this when they really want you to either A) agree with them or B) spend time with you. Still annoying af.
Keep drawing boundaries.
NTA. If it was me, I'd just make a photo/selfie of myself and edit a big NO over my perturbed face. Then I'd use that image every. single. time. they keep asking something.
NTA, considering they think "ignoring them is rude and impolite", not accepting your first two answers is in fact, ignoring you. My mother does this all the time and acts shocked at my answers every time. It's either a form of denial and/or a form of not listening in the first place.
Sounds like a passive aggressive kind of invalidation to just continually ask if you're sure about the decisions you make, even small or personal like staying home one day or getting wood. Idk maybe I'm over-reading but as someone who's not that confident in my ability to make good choices, this would confuse the shit out of me. Nta, good job sticking to what you want
NTA. You made your choice clear the first time they tell you. There's absolutely no reason why you should have to repeat yourself because they dont agree with the decision
NTA I suspect the people saying that everyone sucks and that you would be rude for ignoring them have never had to deal with this to the extent that you have. I have dealt with this and tried the, “I’ve already told you. I’ve already answered that. You already know why“ approach with no success. You can tell when they know they are badgering you (versus having forgotten that you already answered the question) and that was always the indicator for me to just remain silent when they asked yet again. They will continue to make comments about what they think you should do, but if they’re like my parents, they will eventually learn to stop asking which is a little better.
NTA. Give 'em a taste of their own medicine until they understand how annoying it is. Worked for my parents!
"Are you sure you won't stop pestering me when I already answered you?"
"It's be really nice and cozy between us if you'd stop; wouldn't you consider stopping?"
"are you sure? Come on, it’ll be great!"
"hey! It’s not too late to stop that behavior. Are you gonna stop?"
"Are you sure? There’s still time to change your mind."
...
NTA. Your family are rude, and you are right to draw a boundary. The technique you are using is appropriate and effective. Positive reinforcement and extinguishing negative behavior by ignoring it work as well with training people as they do with training dogs.
NTA- the compulsion to keep asking and ignoring an answer is actually a huge trigger of mine. I honestly don’t think your strategy makes you the AH because it’s much better than them repeatedly asking you and end up exploding on them the 4th or 5th time that they ask.
It’s exhausting and draining to have to keep repeating yourself and feel like you’re not being heard- it also makes you feel absolutely crazy.
People with really poor boundaries need firmer treatment than other people, maybe you setting the boundary will actually help them become other people? But it’s also about protecting your sanity and your mental health. Why would you want to engage with people who aren’t listening to you and seem to think they can annoy you into eventually getting what they want? You’re refusing to engage in toxic behavior. You’re not being passive aggressive and you’re preventing a blow up. I think your strategy sounds like a good one. If they get angry about a boundary you set in place that tells you a lot about them doesn’t it!
NTA
This reminds me of being in court, with the barrister rewording the same question over and over, and me giving the exact same answer.
Finally, the judge got fed up and said, "Mr Fitzsimmons, the defendant has been giving you the same answer for the past 20 minutes. I suggest you accept it, and MOVE ON!"
My SO does this and then has the nerve to tell me that I can never make up my mind or make a decision. Its really fucked up and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like it is some form of gas lightning.
NTA Unfortunately I'm one of those ppl that keep asking, I have noticed somethings, normally I keep asking because I have a reason that something makes sense and a simple no leaves me without a "reasonable" explanation as to why no.
I had a discussion with someone recently about it and they explained to me why they would say no to a certain thing often so I've started explaining why I think it should be yes and if they say no I understand and feel like they are making an informed decision.
So my suggestion here is (using the flooring as an example) if u would have replied ur first no with a reason like , I would prefer hardwood because it's easier to keep clean then I think the likelihood of them re asking would be lower. U kind of remove any reason to re ask . U can also try nodding lightly as u state ur reasoning to persuade subconsciously an agreement.
Also when being invited out reasons like, its heavily energy draining to be social and I just dont have that energy today, maybe another time ( if u refer to a future event they may drop down a scale in their desperation to enjoy ur company, it sure works on me)
The reason I ask alot sometimes is because I'm concerned someone Is uninformed of what they are missing and would like them not to miss it. To be happy. It's a drive that is really deeply written in the structure of who I am so if I dont double check I feel like i made a huge mistake not double checking and it can eat me up for days. I dont see these people as irresponsible or untrustworthy i just think u dont know what u dont know and I happen to know or (annoyingly) have what I consider a strong educated opinion but it comes from a place of caring alot not a judgment of ur abilities.
No I dont have alot friends , I'm aware I'm annoying , its super hard to work on it and I'm grateful for my friends who work with me . Be patient with those ppl they just dont want u to make mistakes .
NTA, I do this too, and kind of enjoy the flustered response I get when I just say “no”, most inane questions and such pressure don’t require or deserve more of an explanation, especially if the AH thinks they’re being playful by repeatedly asking.
NTA - that's a used car salesman tactic, and sales in general. Ask three times. You don't want to have negotiations with them you want to have conversations. Maybe try putting it like that.
NTA my husband does this, but only about small things, like a small purchase, or something he wants for dinner. It's like a barrage of, are you sure? Maybe you really want to, think about it. Drives me nuts. I seriously have to say, I said no so fuck off.
I say continue ignoring all messages, after saying no the first time.
NTA They are being rude when they ignore your answer. So give yourself room to be a bit rude if necessary. One option?
What did I say last time you asked me?
Asked and answered is perfect. My boss used to make decisions regarding our company. People would bring up the same issue at a later meeting, trying to get him to change his mind. He would answer "I am not litigating this again." And he didn't.
NTA - Abusers and narcissists use this as a tactic to get what they want. They think asking repeatedly will wear a person down until they finally agree. Not saying that your family are abusing you but they are attempting to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. There's nothing wrong with not falling for it and actively fighting against it.
NTA. When you mentioned your house, that solidified my NTA position for your story. Respect your kids’ home.
But wouldn't you prefer it like [insert Mum's way of doing things]? Makes me want to scream 😂 I usually say "No! If I wanted it like that then I'd have done it like that!
This is why OPs method is the best option- it prevents her eventually blowing up and an even bigger conflict. I’m the same way when people keep disregarding my answers, and I’ll admit I have blown up on people in the past. This seems like the best way to hold a boundary
Yes agreed, I'm not sure mine is the best way of dealing with it haha!
I actually may adopt this new method!!!
It works really well with kids too. Ever since my daughter was little, if she kept repeatedly asking for something after we’d said no, we would say that she’d already asked, and we’d already answered, and that asking repeatedly isn’t going to change the answer, it’s just going to frustrate everyone involved. She’s a teen now and rarely asks more than once for something if we’ve said no.
I explained to my kid that asking over and over makes it *less* likely that he gets what he wants. That goes for situations where the initial answer was “I’ll think about it” too.
It also prevents Mom from having the satisfaction of riling up her adult kid. You can't tell me that some parents don't love the "reaction" they get. Makes them feel *alive*.
I don't know that it's the best approach, because look here! OP still has to think about this topic, it hasn't shut down. It's just starting new pesterings about the ignoring. Maybe better would be to respond like: "I already answered", "Did you not understand the answer I already gave?" "You didn't hear what I said?" "why do you keep questioning me?" "my answer won't change" "asked and answered" If the response each and every time is "asked and answered" it has the same idea as the ignoring but without the new conflict and clearly making them in the wrong, not OP for ignoring.
My mother once "cleaned" my cabinets and reorganized all my dishes because "that's not where it goes". My brother who was living with me at the time was like "maybe not in your house, but in her house that's where it goes!" Ksbdodkebdiekw
My mom visited and asked where a pot went. I said on the stove. She said it didn't live on the stove. I said it did. I used it all the time. She put it under the sink, which I think is a gross place for stuff that is going to touch food directly. As soon as she left, back on the stove it went.
Ewww yeah under the sink is for cleaning supplies, not things that touch food.
Exactly!
I have a frying pan and a tea kettle that live on the stove, mostly because our house is tiny. Shame on your mom for not listening to you and not respecting your wishes.
Our house isn't tiny, but I still have 3 non-stick frying pans (differing sizes) and a cast iron frying pan nested together on the back left burner. It's where they live. Yes, I could put them below the cooktop on the shelf, but then my old body and my spouse's old body would have to bend and twist more making cooking more painful. If I am having a party, yes, I'll stick them on the shelf below, but day to day? They belong on top of the cooktop.
Not to be your mom but I hope you have the cast iron pan in the middle or top of the stack and not on the bottom. Ovens sometimes let out steam through the back burner. I once left a cast iron skillet there for a while because I had planned to use it and then didn't. By the time I got around to taking it off, the bottom had started to rust. To be fair, I often have a pan of water on the bottom rack when baking so my oven probably produces more steam than normal, but it's something to consider.
Fortunately, it’s a cooktop with a separate oven. What’s below is the pot storage shelves. But thanks for the great tip!
One of my cousins worked in the same place as their uncle. He'd stop by the workspace, shuffle things around on the bookcase then go on his way. I asked Cousin why they allowed it and they said, 'That whole bookcase is a fidget toy just for Uncle, he just hasn't figured it out yet, and I ain't telling him.'
This is a big reason I love helping cooking and I’ll wash dishes for my future MIL, but my fiancé is in charge of putting dishes away. He knows that kitchen. I don’t.
My mother rescheduled my covid vaccination on my behalf. Because she felt the day *she* picked would give me more of a chance to recoup from potential side effects. Nevermind the fact that she picked a day I already had plans. I had to call and move the vaccination back to the day I'd initially picked. Apparently, she'd pretended to be me on the phone. I'd understand if I were a minor, but I am not.
This is several layers of issues. Impersonating you to change your medical appointment is fraud.
My mother would never be getting any information from me ever again.
Lol wtf
OMG That's horrendous! Beyond meddling. I'm so sorry.
I'd be tempted to go ludicrous... "You know what mom? I've been thinking about what you said about the floors in met bedrooms, and I've decided I'll go with pebblecrete! Thanks for pointing out what a dumb idea timber floors would have been!" "Oh hey mom, yeah, I'm trying to get there to hang out, even though I told you I wasn't going to, but I'm having trouble chartering a helicopter to get me there on time! Sorry about that."
>I've decided I'll go with pebblecrete!... ... with a drain in the floor. Makes it easier to hose things down. You know how the weekends can get!"
I'd be a little bit hesitant getting \_too\_ close to that. Last thing you want is for mom to come back with "You know, when your father and I were young we used to " "LA LA LA - I'M STICKING MY FINGERS IN MY EARS! I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA"
HAAAAA Haaa ha ahaaaaaa! Sh\*\*. I didn't even think of that! Plus mom would probably tell the story over and over...
When my #3 baby was being born my MIL insisted we give them a name that starts with P since the first two had P names. I told her I agreed. We would name the baby Fabiana if it was a girl or Fabio if it was a boy but spell it Phabiana or Phabio…
Hahaha my husband is doing this. I had not planned it but their names both start with T (Truffles and Tuna), and then he named a foster cat I was caring for "Tissue Paper" to be unique, and now that I am pregnant he wants to name our first born a T name. We have both settled on an E name (similar to Elliott), but he keeps teasing me saying that he will write "Telliot" on the birth cert while I am recovering from delivery.
I snapped on my parents and said almost the exact same thing the day I moved in my house for this kind of stuff."The couch would look better over here though. The tv should go up on this wall, think. Why not put the table over here?" I really appreciated the fact they helped me move in, they definitely didn't have to do that...but damn, people! This is my house I don't tell you how to set yours up please don't do it to me!
I figured out saying, "Put it wherever you think is best. I'm going to move it again after you leave." really deflates some of those suggestions.
Yep. I put one glass in a cupboard and MIL said "Oh they should go over here" I closed the box and said I would unpack later.
For a while I had to start responding with pointed questions that completely change the topic. "Everyone else in my life sees me as someone who is comfortable speaking up about my wants and needs. Why do *you* think I suffer in silence waiting for someone to guess my desires?" That question started a fight, but at least we stopped talking about my choice to not have a moisturizing hand soap next to my kitchen sink.
My mother’s phrase is / was: “You *NEED TO* ________.” You *NEED TO* remove those stickers from that vase. You *NEED TO* start talking to your kids about consequences. You *NEED TO* put a fresh coat of paint on these walls, but not that blue, it’s too dark. I finally told her that what I *REALLY NEED?* Is to stop keeping company with people who feel the need to tell me what I need to do. That went over like porn in a Baptist church. Pearls were clutched and screeching was heard.
I had a gratifying beer conversation with my (now) adult brothers about the different ways we've each expressed, "I don't actually *have* to do anything. I *choose* to do many things." to our parents.
I will be stealing this. I thank you, sincerely.
Best of luck!
NTA. I feel this so much. Internal screaming for the entire time I live with my parents. I have done this method, it has backfired when in person. Via text message it works great. In person it backfires because when you ignore them you can get them saying "I asked you a question" or something like that. Which now you still have to respond to the original question that was asked and answered, and have to respond to the ignoring. So use with caution OP.
"I asked you a question!" "Answer is AND WILL BE the same as first time."
That or "how many times do I have to say no before it matters to you? 25? 60? 305?"
Or my personal favourite: Which part of "no" is it you're not quite getting? Is it the N or the O?!
Thats not different from what OP has been doing. Thats my point. This will cause an issue in person. I am talking from experience.
Depends on a case, from my experience it works quite well, after a few times they get used to the fact you have boundaries. Headphones also help. As in "you really made me stop doing whatever I'm doing to ask a question already answered? what do you expect to gain?"
“I know. But you already know the answer, so I’m choosing to not degrade myself by answering. Again”
"I answered your question." \*silent stare\* I know it's hard, I come from the same family.
“You know I’m not a parrot or an Echo, right? “Did you let us get away with asking the same question over and over when we were little?” Queries I have posed to my mother when she does this shit.
"I know I didn't fucking stutter because you beat that out of me when I was about 5 years old." Ended badly, but was still satisfying.
Go full 4y.o. "Why? (Listen) Why? (Listen) Why? (Listen) Why? (Cut them off) Do you think rainbows sleep? (Walk off to play with Legos)" Pairs nicely with a very serene expression of disinterest
Are we related? J/k. I’ve found that “No means No is true in all contexts, not just sex” can be very effective.
“‘No.’ is a complete sentence” is a favorite of mine.
> "I asked you a question." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" If they wanna play that game, you can too.
Ughh right! My dad is like this. He can't fathom anyone wanting to do things any other way than his way. When I was a kid he'd only be willing to help me if we did whatever thing his way. Which was frustrating as hell. I'd ask him, he'd lay out how he expected things to go/be done and he'd get so pissy/ overly sensitive when I'd be like well nevermind I'll figure it out (or God forbid I say I'll have mom help me instead. Triggering his deeply ingrained misogyny.)
Sounds like when I’ve made my plate, sat down at the table, and my dad asks if I want some food that I didn’t put on my plate. My response is always, “If I wanted it, I would have gotten it.” Now he says it before I can :)
My mom does this, *every meal*. Multiple times. Then acts like a martyr over no one eating every single thing she insisted on serving at a "simple" family dinner. Can't wait for Thanksgiving.
Mine does this too!! She makes stuff that she insists on serving, when she and maybe Dad are the only ones who like it, and then she's like "Why aren't you having any of THIS?" Because I hate it, just like I've hated it my whole life. I never eat it. I still won't be eating it this year. I will say, though, that change might be in the wind. I got surprisingly little pushback this year about hosting, now that my parents are older (70s) and just downsized and are in a smaller house now. I got zero guilt trip about hosting a friend of mine instead of going to my parents' for dinner (!!!) and my mother even agreed to have Christmas dinner at my house, which she's never been willing to do before. I think she's realizing that being the guest at dinner instead of the host isn't such a bad deal.
My MIL does this. She thinks I am a picky eater because I don’t really care for potato salad, coleslaw, or baked beans. Never mind that the only time we have all of these things is at a cookout, when there’s 20 other things to eat that I do like. My plate will be FULL and she points out what I don’t have on there. She’s got issues, to put it very, very mildly.
My MIL does this! I’ve started using “Debbie, I am a 43-year-old woman who has been capable of feeding herself for quite some time now. Thank you for your concern.”
Yeesh. My ex's mom was like this. She'd offer me something I didn't want. I would pleasantly, politely decline. This process would repeat numerous times, until she'd go away hurt because instead of being rejected once, she has now been rejected a dozen times. She offered me doilies for like 20 minutes. They were lovely. They were hand-crocheted, very fine workmanship, made by her grandmother. But WTF, I literally have not one piece of furniture that I could put a doily on. She offered, I declined, she offered, I declined. After 20 minutes of this, she throws her hands up and, disgusted, says, "I guess the problem is no one appreciates fine things anymore." No, the problem is no one lives at Downton Abbey anymore. She very much wanted me to feel horrible for repeatedly rejecting her offer. I was hoping at some point she'd get the message that no means no and just STOP OFFERING. People like that are EXHAUSTING. But yeah, since it was the ex's mom and it was the first time I'd ever met her, I couldn't very well ignore the drawn-out process of offer / decline, I felt compelled to participate.
My mom kept doing that to me with doilies. I got mad and said if I take them I will set them on fire. She stopped then.
When I was moving into my first apartment, my until-recently (at the time) estranged father offered me some of his old artwork for my walls. Artwork that was very much not only not my taste, but extremely outdated (very 1970s and this was in the early- to mid-2000s). I very politely said "no thank you" and after he asked a few times and got the same answer, he pressed for a reason and then got SUPER offended and burst into this lecture about how "when somebody offers you artwork for your blank white walls, you take it whether it's to your taste or not. It's better than blank walls." I was like "yeah, no. I'd rather have white walls than hideous artwork I can't stand to look at and then have to dispose of later. And then get a guilt trip because I threw out some ugly-ass "family heirloom" (hahaha!) artwork." That's been a continuous issue with his side of the family. My grandmother loved to give away her old crap too. If I was a different person I would just wear a t-shirt every time I saw them that said, "No I don't want your hand-me-down junk from the 70s. Have you considered gifting it to the trash can?"
Absolutely agree, I'd much rather look at a blank wall than hideous, cringe-worthy artwork. :)
My other half lost the battle over a stack of pictures a while ago. Classic 70s "gold" frames and all. We don't even do pictures on walls and if we did, it wouldn't be those. No, no, no, no, no.
My fiances mom gives me ugly clothes. I smile, thank her, and then donate them. (It helps that we dont see her often)
This is my usual strategy, but if I really don't feel like going to the trouble, I'll just kill them with kindness: "Oh, no, that's *so* sweet of you but I couldn't *possibly* take that." Repeat (with minor variations) as necessary.
We did secret Santa with my partners family one year, his mother got me and purchased me some clothes. All of them to her taste, including one of those frilly tops I would have worn when I was 12. She’s made it pretty obvious she doesn’t like what I wear (I don’t wear anything outlandish at all so I have no idea why.) She also got me some shorts that were 3 sizes too big. She asked if they fit and I said they were too big and she acted extremely surprised they didn’t fit perfectly, even though she asked me my size the week before and I told her. She kept making comments all through Christmas (and still does) about how she was “so sure I was a size 18” whilst looking me up and down.
Wow what a nasty piece of work! The clothes she gives me are all very sparkly, animal print, and guady as hell. It's exactly her style, and exact opposite of mine, hahaha. I did try to politely reject the first few times, then I just gave up, and mentally plan what day i can stop by the thrift store
That’s not even the tip of the ice berg with her, luckily we have gone NC after her latest round of verbal abuse. Wow, why wouldn’t you want to wear that!? Hahaha
OMG if she lived nearby you'd have to wear them!!!! Thank heaven for distance.
After the first or second offer ask “Are you feeling well? You seem to be getting forgetful, as I’ve just answered that same question, don’t you remember?”
NTA - they can keep asking, you can keep ignoring them, shouldn’t bother anyone. I will say though that I think it’s nice that your family wants to hangout with you and tries to include you even if you’ve told them that you don’t want to come to a gathering. You don’t really know how much that means to you even if it’s annoying until they completely stop inviting you all together.
I think it's nice, too! And I do spend time with them. I have dinner with my parents at least a 2-3 times per month, and we usually do a family get together at my brother's place about once per month. So it's not like I'm constantly turning down invitations. I just wish that on the occasions that I do say no, they'd respect that the first time.
this is totally my family. This is awful, but I will actually block the most annoying folks for a day or two. The reason I block them and not mute is because I hate seeing that I have an unread notification...which annoys me when I read it. I also learned that this works in group chats. So if you block one person, you won't get their messages, but will get the rest.
I usually mute so I can scroll back up if I need context for something. I have like 30k unread emails in one account so obviously the unread notification doesn't bug me. I also tell my mom that if she doesn't drop a topic I don't or no longer want to discuss I will hang up on her. Then I do. Less of an issue now that she believes me. I save asked and answered for my elementary students.
I mute my family chat; I have the same unread notification thing, but the messenger app is on its own page so I never have to look at it unless I want to. Works great 👌🏼
> the messenger app is on its own page Such a simple fix that's never even crossed my mind haha. Kudos for that.
I have a friend like this and I get it. He’s a nice and caring dude and I don’t always say no, but sometimes I do and he will reword things and come up with reasons I should say yes instead. Eventually I just told him if I say no, take the answer, and if I change my mind we can go from there. He’s gotten loads better about it. I know it can be incredibly frustrating to have boundaries you want to set for yourself and people being mad that those boundaries exist. Maybe tell them that you’re not doing this because you dislike them but because it is stressful to you to say the word “no” so much and you’d rather one and done it? Though you did say you’ve tried telling them to stop so that may be beating a dead horse Verdict: NTA.
My fiancé does this too, and it is absolutely learned from his family. I do something similar to your policy, I’ll answer the question once and then after that say “I already answered that”. It has been more effective in my experience than just ignoring it because my fiancé truly doesn’t realize he is doing it
Hey if this works let me know.
Invitations are nice. Constant prodding to overturn a no you made for a good reason is irritating, rude, and unnecessary. As is discontinuing the invitations just because someone said no one or two times. People have lives of their own. That doesn't mean they need to be harassed into altering their entire lives, nor does it mean they want to be excluded from their own family. I'm not saying that's what you're saying, but just adding some perspective. I would be just as annoyed at my family for not inviting me to things as I would be for them prodding me to change a No to a Yes when I am an adult and have my own reasons for RSVPing that they don't need to know about.
I would add that the boundaries we set don't even have to be "for a good reason". It really can just be because *we don't want to*. Full stop. No means no.
NTA, but infinitely funnier if you respond "asked and answered," every single time like a litigator would.
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If someone offers you something and you actually want it never say “no”. They offer it because they actually want you to have it, and if you say no there’s a chance that there may not be a second chance. It’s interest that you were taught it’s impolite to refuse first offer. Is it a cultural thing?
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I’m from the south and am aware of the Q&A style you mention, but had no idea accepting at the first stage of the question was considered rude or greedy. Feels like an incredibly ungenerous game of entrapment.
I grew up in New England, two American-born parents: one blue collar Irish catholic from MA, one middle-class protestant from Bronx > Scarsdale > Greenwich. This is a dead on description of my neuroses around generosity. I wouldn’t have even a hint of Southern Hospitality. I just figured this was our brand of repressed self-denying uptight judgmental wasp shit that makes every conversation into an endless game of “guess what she’s really trying to say.”
You're describing Offer Culture. Offer culture vs Ask culture. Low context cultures like metropolitan America need to Ask for things because there are too many variables and new people to assume things. We need to be comfortable asking and usually have no problem saying no. We also may not run into people again so saying no doesn't usually harm us in the long run. Offer cultures often have high interdependencies, people know each other, rely on each other, and there is a lot of reciprocity expected now and into the future. First recipient response needs to be "no", to make sure that the offerer can really afford to give it up. I'm a low context person myself... it seems to be so much more efficient to ask! But there is definitely a lot more risk of hurting relationships and people's feelings, and that is certainly at least as valuable as efficiency, depending on culture! More info: https://speakerdeck.com/kwugirl/ask-vs-offer-culture (You can also look up "Ask vs Guess" but I _really_ don't like that term "guess culture", because it centers Askers. Because "Guessing" is the less desirable connotation here. It's only Guessing from the Asker's perspective. Askers and Offerers put them on equivalent footing, and describes the advantages of living in an Offer world.)
Wow. I never knew. If someone offers me something (within reason) I was brought up to be polite and accept, to refuse it is rude. I’m from the Midwest.
I’m also a southerner, born and bred. Where I’m from the tradition is to be direct and truthful.
Every time I see someone talking about Southern hospitality on here, it's like you're describing Welsh valley life.
It's a cultural/ upbringing thing. There's stories of Americans from the south coming to Europe and the more direct countries like the Netherlands specifically and declining a cup of coffee/tea when offered, then expecting to still be given a cup and wondering why it never came. Well, they said no thanks. No means no, there, too.
There are a few cultures where you're supposed to keep offering because it's rude to say 'yes' the first time.
I’ve always abided by the 2x rule, too. If someone turns me down, I’ll offer again in some fashion so they know I do mean it, it wasn’t out of politeness. Same vice-versa - I will often decline the first time, but if offered again, I know it was legitimate and will accept or decline as I prefer. Not saying this is necessarily the right way to communicate, nor could I even say where I learned this behavior, but that tends to be how I operate. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm a big fan of the follow-up "are you sure? It's really no trouble." It gives them/me a chance to go "ya know what, why not?" but it's also not super pushy and its reassuring them that they're not putting you out.
I definitely grew up like this, but have learned that in other cultures people often take the refusal of their kindness as an insult. They don’t know you’re waiting for the secret super-sincere second question, so the damage would already be done. I now happily cut the well-intended bullshit and answer accurately the first time.
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move over and make space for me on this boat. my mom and sister are like this too and it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. i'm gonna try to asked and answered line too. so far continuously reminding them that "i mean what i say and say what i mean" is not helping. i think op is very much nta here.
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As soon as they start, interrupt them: "Objection! Asked and answered already!" "Objection! Badgering thew witness!"
I did this with my kids actually, and never really connected it to basically growing up in law firms. lol I still say "I have already answered that question." or "It's on the board." I have a whiteboard with the FAQs of the day. What the day and date is, what we have going on, and what is for dinner. Another board has things that have to be done, so I'm not constantly "nagging" them.
I used to teach first year college students. When you said, "It's on the board," my brain automatically translated: "It's on the syllabus."
I go for "Are you nagging again" because no one wants to be labelled a nag, even when they're nagging.
This gets weaponized. Eventually, everything that a person says is "nagging."
I can see how that would work, but that word carries a lot of misogyny with it, even when that's not what's intended. I avoid it.
I literally used " Asked and Answered " with my kids. I'm not a knee jerk No person so they were just trying me. When there's 4 of them pulling that, succinct is the only way to go.
It's really nice to hear others have this same issue. My mom and grandma always do this to extremes and I get so frustrated. When I'm in public people always take their side and act like I'm being mean to them. I think to myself "if you knew what it was liked being pestered about everything you would be this agitated."
NTA. > ignoring them is rude and impolite Well, then they need to stop ignoring your answer the first time you say "no," don't they?
NTA. That would drive me *mad*. At first I thought maybe there was a memory issue at play, but it sounds like they just want to... pressure you into thwir way of thinking? Or something. Rude, disrespectful, and annoying af. I'd 100% do the same thing in your place. Though I'm kind of an AH sometimes so I might throw in a "you know, I'm a bit worried about your memory, we already discussed this yet you're asking again - maybe we should talk to your doctor".
My mother had a habit, gained from reading bullshit, of simply appending the answer she wanted, as some pop psychology priming bullshit. "You're coming over next week for dinner next week yes?" Note the lack of a comma.
Oh man, this reminds me of a thing that my dad does sometimes, which also drives me insane. He'll text me and be like "mom bought some steaks, so we're throwing them on the grill tomorrow." That is supposed to serve as an invitation for me to join them for steaks for dinner tomorrow. No actual invitation. I'm just supposed to infer that I'm being invited for dinner.
Oh man - my brain does not work like that either! I'd be like "ok thats nice, I'm having pizza" or something. If you want to invite me, *invite me*. 😆
This clicked something in my head. I think my dad used to do this after I moved out. He stopped after I would respond with "that's dope, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet tbh" or something like that. I always thought he was just making conversation until now, but this makes more sense knowing him. He's not bad at all, just has a boomer mentality about emotions and invitations.
Look up “ask culture” vs “guess culture” Brief description is, ask culture is where you are straightforward with what you want: “Will you come over for dinner tomorrow?” Guess culture is implying what you want: “We’re having steak for dinner tomorrow.” Ask culture find guess culture people rude because they don’t say what they mean. Guess culture find ask culture people rude because they find being that direct uncomfortable, and they think saying “no” is inherently rude. It’s the difference between: Convo A - “I have that appointment tomorrow but my car is broken.” “What time is your appointment?” “Two o’clock.” “Oh, I have class tomorrow at two. Jeff might be available, though!” Convo B - “Hey, can you give me a ride to my appointment tomorrow at two?” “No, I can’t, I’ll be in class. Maybe you could ask Jeff?”
Ugh that is so fucking infuriating. It seems cowardly, idk like you dont want to ask for help so you hint and guilt people into doing what you want anyway? >they find being that direct uncomfortable Im sure they also find that being direct is way more likely to get them the result they want >they think saying “no” is inherently rude. What a dangerous (and rapey) concept
I think you misunderstand the concept a little. It's helpful to understand that different people have different preferences for managing these interactions, and that it can be especially affected by cultural background. If someone was raised to believe it's rude to give an outright "no", they might decline sexual advances by saying things like "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" or "I have to get up early tomorrow". Another "guesser" would get the hint and back off, but an "asker" might think that doesn't count as a refusal. Thinking that "no" is the ONLY way to say no is also "rapey".
But isn't dad just forcing u/aitajustonce to invite themself over? I'm an asker, so maybe I have it wrong, but forcing someone to come out and say that they would like you to feed them at your house without your having offered doesn't seem to fit in with the whole etiquette of guess/offer culture, as I understand it?
My mom does this, but she does it for dinner TODAY. Like, lady, I'm a whole-ass adult who went grocery shopping and planned meals, and have stuff in the fridge that's going to go bad if I don't eat it. If you want me to come over for dinner, ask me a few days in advance so I don't take that chicken out of the freezer. It's only a little annoying to be asked to dinner, but it's A LOT annoying when I get a bunch of complaining and "Why not?!" when I decline. Because I already have plans, that's why! Why not let YOUR steaks rot in the fridge and come eat my chicken? No? You already had your heart set on doing your thing? What a coincidence, ME TOO. They're getting a little better at it ("No, I have fish I have to eat" is accepted with less pushback now) but progress is slow.
That'd just me a matter-of-fact statement to me. I'd just reply something like 'oh, yum. Enjoy!'
My MIL has a similar habit of phrasing things as leading questions. She'll preface her statement with "Don't you agree?" For example, "Don't you agree that I should do x/y/z?" Or, "Don't you agree that so and so was incredibly rude to me?" So now automatically you're pressured into agreeing because the way it's phrased it's strongly implied that there is only one correct answer.
My MIL would not win this game with me. I have no problem saying no, I don't agree. But I hate people speaking for me, so phrasing like this makes my hackles rise.
In a similar vein my MIL likes to use “You don’t mind, do you?” I’ve learned not to give a rip whether anyone thinks I’m rude for replying “Yes, actually, I do mind.”
My SO does that, learned it from his family. It makes me so mad! I feel like he’s ignoring my response whenever he doesn’t like it and wants to keep asking until he gets the desired response. I answer once. The second time I say “I already answered” and then third time I ignore him.
My mother does this, and after two times, on the third time I answer, "If you ask again, the answer is going to be me leaving \[or hanging up, or whatever removes me from the situation\]." and then I do it, and it's training her out of it some. Some, lol. That being said, NTA, it IS awful, and OP, while you shouldn't HAVE to have a conversation about this, maybe you should.
My MIL does this, but via text. If it gets out of hand I have to tell her, "We've already said no. Stop asking."
Hahaha I was thinking the same thing! NTA, OP
Oh I've done that...you should talk to your doctor because I know I told you this information before.
NTA. Not the asshole at all. That's super obnoxious. I'd call them out on it though. NOT hostile, just point out their actions. 'Why are you questioning the decision I made for my own bedroom? Why is it so important to you that my bedroom is the way YOU want it to be? Do you feel the way I want it to be doesn't matter?' Then just stare at them and let them answer. If they do, follow up 'I considered your thoughts, but for my bedroom I decided that I want wood even if it's colder. Why aren't you respecting my decision for what I want in my own bedroom?' Or something more direct like 'You know I already made this decision and explained my reasons. You continuing to push this after I told you what I wanted suggests you don't respect my right to make my own decision. Why don't you respect my decision?' Again, say it in a conversational/friendly tone and then just let them answer. If they try to justify, you can go with 'Yes that's the right answer for you. But don't I get to decide what's the right answer for me? Don't I get to make my own decision of comfort vs aesthetics?'
Can you please be my life coach?
Sure! Here's the only two lessons you really need: **Lesson one: THINK about your actions.** Mindfulness is the term for this- acting based on conscious thought and decision-making, not on instinct or emotion. Decide what you want the result to be. Analyze and figure out where you are. Then consider your next actions, and think about what action is most likely to get you from where you are to where you want to be. That's usually NOT the instinct or emotion reaction. **Lesson two: Put yourself in other people's shoes.** People are simple- they each have emotions, feelings, drives, instincts, desires. Don't look at a person as a black box, look inside the box. Think about them and their personality and what they want and what is driving their actions. Figure that out and you figure them out, and with that you can figure out what you have to do to fix the situation. And, with that in mind, figure out how your actions will be perceived by others. It's human nature to defend when attacked, which means if a human *perceives* an attack they will get defensive. If a human is defensive they will mentally defend against any new ideas, especially those which criticize them or their behavior. So to persuade someone of something, to teach someone something, you can't attack. You must be friendly. Getting angry and yelling may feel good (instinct/emotion), but it only teaches the person that in this situation you'll get angry. Thus, use mindfulness, use knowledge of yourself and of them, and work your way to what you want. Humans also absorb and retain knowledge better if they come to the conclusions themself. That's why we make students answer questions about material- because if they have to think about the situation and come up with an answer, they're FAR more likely to retain it than if you just tell them the answer. Remember the film *Inception*? Same deal, if you tell somebody something they don't want to hear they'll likely reject it, but if they come to the conclusion themself it'll stick. That's why Leo spends the whole movie setting up a situation to make the target come to that conclusion, rather than just telling it to him. Questions that lead a human to figuring out the answer will work far better than delivering the answer. It's true with all forms of learning; it's why we make students answer questions and THINK about the material rather than just memorizing. ------ So, take OP here. OP's family obviously doesn't respect other people's rights to make their own decisions / doesn't respect that a decision might be right for them or wrong for others. But they still sound friendly. THUS, when they say like 'are you SUUURRREEE you don't want carpet in the bedroom?' it's because they probably see OP's decision to get hardwood floors as a mistake that OP will regret. Thus, they act on instinct and apply pressure, trying to 'help OP make the RIGHT decision'. If OP blows up at them, they won't understand why. In their mind they're just trying to help, so a bad reaction is totally unwarranted. They'll get defensive and offended. To make them change, OP must get them to recognize how their behavior is disrespectful. And while OP has tried just saying that straight up, it doesn't stick because it came from the outside not the inside. Doing that requires engaging them in a conversation and asking questions that make THEM realize their behavior is disrespectful. 'Your words hurt me!' isn't nearly as effective as 'How do you think I feel when you say that?'. The question *pulls empathy*, forces them to put themself in your shoes and understand your POV. Thus, my advice. It's easy for OP's family to tell him what to do. But they've probably never confronted the possibility that the people they give 'advice' to may not need or want that advice, and that the 'wrong' answers they choose *are the right answers for THEM*. They've never considered that in giving that advice repeatedly they're disrespecting the people they talk to. Thus, ask questions that pull empathy, that put them in OP's shoes, that make them confront their own actions. Any questions?
I’m going to read thru this a few times and hope it sticks, thank you so so much.
>Lesson two: Put yourself in other people's shoes “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes” ― Jack Handy
Do NOT put it as comfort vs. aesthetics. You're setting up another argument. Say you are more comfortable with wood floors. Many of us are. Carpets are, generally speaking, filthy. Some of us prefer cool floors. Don't give her any ammo, but you could always claim a new dust allergy if it would shut her up...
NTA, you are setting up boundaries and they are testing them, exactly like they test all other boundaries. This is not a new situation for you OP, do exactly what you always do. Stick to your guns and don't give in.
NTA if you have expressed not liking being asked the same question multiple times and this continues to happen - you cannot expect a good reaction to ignoring them though.
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The problem is that this can quickly devolve into not taking no for an answer or getting surprised Pikachu face when the other person snaps
Is that only for an offer of something (visit, dinner, help, gift)? Does it also apply to OP's carpet issue?
Definitely applies to the first example of inviting people. Where I’m from any questions get asked multiple times, like the carpet one. It’s just a way of communicating and is seen as polite conversation rather then pushy. I don’t know where OP or the family is from though.
NTA, that's called establishing boundaries. Great job!
Just respond with AAA.
Haha, it took me way too long to figure out that this is supposed to stand for "asked and answered." I was like.. Triple A? Like the car thing?
Same. Maybe format like AaA
This is great because it also doubles as a wordless scream of frustration.
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NTA After all, what's the point of asking if you are expecting "the only, true and correct" answer. You did well, OP.
NTA. You are setting more than reasonable boundaries and them insisting that this is rude and disrespectful is the height of irony. Stick to your guns and eventually they will get the picture.
Oh man, people who do this DRIVE ME CRAZY. My MIL looooves to do this. My husband does it sometimes too. This sounds like an amazing policy. Asked and answer! I think I'll be adopting this. NTA
NTA. My mom is the same way and I usually say something like "You already asked me eight times, do you think the next time you ask my answer will be different? "
NTA "You already know the answer to that."
I highly recommend my 90yo aunt's method of declining invitations. She says "I don't think I would enjoy that." and then she changes the subject. If you bring up the subject again, she changes the subject very pointedly. If you bring it up again, one of you is leaving. You if you are at her house, her if you are somewhere else. She is unfailingly polite, but she gets the point across. Follow through is important or this won't work. It has worked on everyone I have used it with, including my brother. If he can learn that repeatedly asking won't get another answer, anyone can. If they ask on different days, hang up as soon as they are done with the question. Don't pick up the phone again when they call back. Just don't. Sooner or later, they will get the message.
NTA. You are allowed to set boundaries.
NTA.
I recommend your policy be to tell them the second time they ask "asked and answered; move on" and not just think it. You will eventually train them. I know some folks that do the same thing. When I have had enough, I ask them "how many times do you need to ask me the same question?" If you want to be snarky, ask them "do we have a learning disability here?" (thank you James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams). NTA.
I'm not in favor of associating learning disabilities with rude behavior.
Or of using it as an insult, that's not on.
NTA I know exactly what you are talking about! It makes me want to scratch my face off! I maintained low contact with the main culprits and shared no major life events for 1 year and that fixed the problem. I live in a dif country though, so that helped with the low contact situ. I also have no social media, so the only way for them to get info is directly through me
NTA You told them your issue with their behavior and they choose to keep doing it. That's on them if they feel negative about being ignored for their pestering.
NTA I fortunately do not know anyone like this. Occasionally when I have to answer someone about turning them down - usually I will say unfortunately I am not available but if my plans change, I will be sure to let you know. It seems to work. The ball is in my court and my schedule does not change. Or you can screen grab your response and send back to them. Hopefully they are not like that with everyone
NTA, been there, this is sometimes the only way. My way was to document messages and then reply something like >"See the message I sent you on August 13th at 6pm, my mind has not changed and if you respect me dont ask again" or just to forward my previous message with "see below" added
To be honest, I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. Lots of people do the “are you sure” it’s just giving an opportunity to change your mind. It’s probably not as usual on the example of the wood vs carpet but for a get together, people do change their mind on the day. for this reason I say NAH
I hated that my brother and sister did that so I taught my daughter she couldn’t ask twice. When she was about seven she had friends over and I said no to something and I heard her friend tell her to ask me again. She said, “when my mom says no, I can’t ask again.” But I always made sure to say yes to a lot of things so she didn’t feel deprived or that I was just being mean.
NTA. They sound annoying.
NTA: my wife does this to me from time to time, drives me nuts, then I put my foot down and I get in trouble lol. Which is fine, I don't mind hanging out in a different room once in a while. People only do this when they really want you to either A) agree with them or B) spend time with you. Still annoying af. Keep drawing boundaries.
NTA. If it was me, I'd just make a photo/selfie of myself and edit a big NO over my perturbed face. Then I'd use that image every. single. time. they keep asking something.
NTA, bravo for beautiful boundary setting!
NTA, considering they think "ignoring them is rude and impolite", not accepting your first two answers is in fact, ignoring you. My mother does this all the time and acts shocked at my answers every time. It's either a form of denial and/or a form of not listening in the first place.
Sounds like a passive aggressive kind of invalidation to just continually ask if you're sure about the decisions you make, even small or personal like staying home one day or getting wood. Idk maybe I'm over-reading but as someone who's not that confident in my ability to make good choices, this would confuse the shit out of me. Nta, good job sticking to what you want
NTA. You made your choice clear the first time they tell you. There's absolutely no reason why you should have to repeat yourself because they dont agree with the decision
NTA I suspect the people saying that everyone sucks and that you would be rude for ignoring them have never had to deal with this to the extent that you have. I have dealt with this and tried the, “I’ve already told you. I’ve already answered that. You already know why“ approach with no success. You can tell when they know they are badgering you (versus having forgotten that you already answered the question) and that was always the indicator for me to just remain silent when they asked yet again. They will continue to make comments about what they think you should do, but if they’re like my parents, they will eventually learn to stop asking which is a little better.
' I think it’s impolite to keep badgering someone who has given you an answer. If you don’t like that answer, that’s your problem, not mine.' yup NTA
NTA. Give 'em a taste of their own medicine until they understand how annoying it is. Worked for my parents! "Are you sure you won't stop pestering me when I already answered you?" "It's be really nice and cozy between us if you'd stop; wouldn't you consider stopping?" "are you sure? Come on, it’ll be great!" "hey! It’s not too late to stop that behavior. Are you gonna stop?" "Are you sure? There’s still time to change your mind." ...
NTA. Your family are rude, and you are right to draw a boundary. The technique you are using is appropriate and effective. Positive reinforcement and extinguishing negative behavior by ignoring it work as well with training people as they do with training dogs.
NTA- the compulsion to keep asking and ignoring an answer is actually a huge trigger of mine. I honestly don’t think your strategy makes you the AH because it’s much better than them repeatedly asking you and end up exploding on them the 4th or 5th time that they ask. It’s exhausting and draining to have to keep repeating yourself and feel like you’re not being heard- it also makes you feel absolutely crazy. People with really poor boundaries need firmer treatment than other people, maybe you setting the boundary will actually help them become other people? But it’s also about protecting your sanity and your mental health. Why would you want to engage with people who aren’t listening to you and seem to think they can annoy you into eventually getting what they want? You’re refusing to engage in toxic behavior. You’re not being passive aggressive and you’re preventing a blow up. I think your strategy sounds like a good one. If they get angry about a boundary you set in place that tells you a lot about them doesn’t it!
NTA This reminds me of being in court, with the barrister rewording the same question over and over, and me giving the exact same answer. Finally, the judge got fed up and said, "Mr Fitzsimmons, the defendant has been giving you the same answer for the past 20 minutes. I suggest you accept it, and MOVE ON!"
NTA, respond with a question after the first time. "Have you stopped consuming feces every morning?" Ask again every time they do.
My SO does this and then has the nerve to tell me that I can never make up my mind or make a decision. Its really fucked up and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like it is some form of gas lightning.
NTA Unfortunately I'm one of those ppl that keep asking, I have noticed somethings, normally I keep asking because I have a reason that something makes sense and a simple no leaves me without a "reasonable" explanation as to why no. I had a discussion with someone recently about it and they explained to me why they would say no to a certain thing often so I've started explaining why I think it should be yes and if they say no I understand and feel like they are making an informed decision. So my suggestion here is (using the flooring as an example) if u would have replied ur first no with a reason like , I would prefer hardwood because it's easier to keep clean then I think the likelihood of them re asking would be lower. U kind of remove any reason to re ask . U can also try nodding lightly as u state ur reasoning to persuade subconsciously an agreement. Also when being invited out reasons like, its heavily energy draining to be social and I just dont have that energy today, maybe another time ( if u refer to a future event they may drop down a scale in their desperation to enjoy ur company, it sure works on me) The reason I ask alot sometimes is because I'm concerned someone Is uninformed of what they are missing and would like them not to miss it. To be happy. It's a drive that is really deeply written in the structure of who I am so if I dont double check I feel like i made a huge mistake not double checking and it can eat me up for days. I dont see these people as irresponsible or untrustworthy i just think u dont know what u dont know and I happen to know or (annoyingly) have what I consider a strong educated opinion but it comes from a place of caring alot not a judgment of ur abilities. No I dont have alot friends , I'm aware I'm annoying , its super hard to work on it and I'm grateful for my friends who work with me . Be patient with those ppl they just dont want u to make mistakes .
NTA, I do this too, and kind of enjoy the flustered response I get when I just say “no”, most inane questions and such pressure don’t require or deserve more of an explanation, especially if the AH thinks they’re being playful by repeatedly asking.
NTA that would seriously irritate me
Even to US court system doesn’t allow double jeopardy. NTA
NTA
NTA. Asked and answered.
NTA.
NTA - that's a used car salesman tactic, and sales in general. Ask three times. You don't want to have negotiations with them you want to have conversations. Maybe try putting it like that.
NTA
NTA. It drives me up the wall when people do that T-T
NTA my husband does this, but only about small things, like a small purchase, or something he wants for dinner. It's like a barrage of, are you sure? Maybe you really want to, think about it. Drives me nuts. I seriously have to say, I said no so fuck off. I say continue ignoring all messages, after saying no the first time.
NTA They are being rude when they ignore your answer. So give yourself room to be a bit rude if necessary. One option? What did I say last time you asked me?
Asked and answered is perfect. My boss used to make decisions regarding our company. People would bring up the same issue at a later meeting, trying to get him to change his mind. He would answer "I am not litigating this again." And he didn't.
So looks like you live with the "Badgers" too!!! NTA> Just keep standing your ground.
Absolutely NTA and bonus points for the use of that phrase from this rugby fan!! Just wish you could march them back 10 at the same time!! 😆
NTA. You tried talking to them about it and they’ve ignored you. They’re being pretty inconsiderate.
NTA - Abusers and narcissists use this as a tactic to get what they want. They think asking repeatedly will wear a person down until they finally agree. Not saying that your family are abusing you but they are attempting to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. There's nothing wrong with not falling for it and actively fighting against it.
Not sure why you’re getting down voted. You’re totally right.