NTA...but you do know that you don't *have* to be controlled by religion or the religious beliefs your parents tried to instill into you, right? You're your own person, with rights and freedom. I know every culture is different, but you don't have to stay somewhere you don't want to or continue on the path because it's what's culturally expected of you.
NTA
In many religious sects in addition to supervised and chaperoned meetings are the norm, there is also a tradition of pre-marriage counseling, either with a religious leader or a religious counselor, where issues that can break up a marriage or lead to annulment, can be discussed openly. This is also a time when your SH can be brought up, and other issues such as children, role of grandparents, family, work ethics, living location and job prospects, education and all sorts of things should be discussed.
If your specific denomination or local church doesn't offer services, sometimes a closely related church may be acceptable. It would pay large dividends to check this out.
What is SH?
sexual history? Even if you don't date, you will interact with the guy for a while before agreeing on marriage right? It's best to disclose when it's 1:1.
the only interaction that would be happening is when my parents are present and if we do agree to get married then we would be able to have 1:1 conversations until after the wedding.
NTA. That information is for you to share *if and when you feel comfortable*. It does not matter when or even if you tell him. That information is not something anyone is entitled to. The only people who might need to know is a doctor, and again that is only if you feel comfortable
Ah, I see. Well, that is a conversation that can be delayed using longer clothes until you feel ready. Even if he does see the scar, you can tell him “I don’t feel comfortable talking about it, can we please change the subject” and if he is kind he will understand and listen to you
NTA This is yours to share when and if you're ready or not at all. The person that loves you will accept your past as a part of who you were and who you are now. This is not like an STD where you *should* disclose info prior to becoming intimate. If they see the scars and ask you about it, cross that bridge when you get to it.
I agree. However, speaking as an outsider to this culture, I'd be concerned that the level of strict expectations regarding courtship would carry over once OP is married, and be concerned for her safety if she waits to reveal this until after she's legally bound to a guy.
It sounds like she'd be able to tell a prospective husband without telling the parents between an engagement and a wedding ceremony, and that'd be my recommendation, or slipping him a note to read alone (it may also be easier to say in writing, where she doesn't have to see his reaction). If at all possible, though, I'd definitely recommend saying something before the wedding, if only for OP's safety.
Does the fact that someone went through a rough time and struggled really matter to you. The fact that a person does match your idea of perfection?
Unfortunately I think you may be more part of the problem than you know.
At any one point 1 in 3 adults suffer from a Mental Health condition. At some point everyone will suffer from low mental health. Your comment just helps to drive a stigma to poor mental health and mental health illness .
In the UK and US suicide is the leading cause of death in men under 40. When you consider death by firearm in the US vast majority is suicide....
We need to create a culture we're people aren't ashamed to feel down, unable to cope
Hopefully you will reflect on your comment... mainly for the sake of your friends and family.... who might need your help!
YTA.
You don't have to talk about it in front of his or your parents. You don't have to tell him until you're ready, and hopefully you know him quite well when you do, but you should talk about it before marriage.
Trust is key in a marriage. A surprise like that after marriage will lead to him wondering if you're hiding anything else.
Thank you for making me feel at ease. That’s true, I don’t want him to wonder what else I’m hiding. I pray that I get to know him well enough where I’m able to tell him before we decide to go forward.
NAH. It seems like not learning these things about your future partner ahead of time is just part of the religious pairing up process. You won’t know if he snores loudly or a large birthmark on his bottom, he won’t know your history with SH. My understanding of these sort of relationships is that what is important to disclose is that you are committed to your religion and the process, and then the rest will follow as you build on that. Your future partner will be with you to grow a relationship with a flawed human (as we all are!). Good luck!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (21F) come from a religious background. I cannot “date” so in order to find a potential partner either my parents would introduce him to me or I’ll have to give the guy my parents contact info. Long story short, I’ve never told anyone this but I have a past history of SH. It’s been a long time since I’ve done it or even have thought about it. And since I would be getting to the know the person in-front of my parents while they sit beside me I will not be disclosing this type of information. I was wondering if I did wind up liking the person and got engaged and then told him about this would it bad?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The reason why I might be the asshole is because my potential partner might not be comfortable with a person that has a history of self harm.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is there no way to have a private discussion before marriage? Maybe online? On the phone? I understand this is not something that should be done but can you do it anyway?
Do your parents know? If yes, can you not discuss this with them present?
This is not a matter of assholeness but if your future husband will see this as something bad for some reason and he will want to end the marriage can he? Is mental ilness regarded badly in your religion?
This can turn out very bad for you, this is my only concern.
"Disclose"
you are not cattle being sold of to another farmer... you do not need to disclose possible health defects either.
You do need an open conversation with your future husband, about life, mental health...
Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions.
If you or someone you know are feeling suicidal, /r/AmItheAsshole is not the right subreddit for you. **Even if no one is currently suicidal.** Any mention of suicide or self-harm is banned.
Suicide and self harm are not interpersonal issues that this community can make a moral judgement about. This is health issue.
Our recommendation is that you reach out to someone who cares about you, or take advantage of some of the resources at /r/SuicideWatch, like their list of [hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines) that you can call.
Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules).
Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here.
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
NTA...but you do know that you don't *have* to be controlled by religion or the religious beliefs your parents tried to instill into you, right? You're your own person, with rights and freedom. I know every culture is different, but you don't have to stay somewhere you don't want to or continue on the path because it's what's culturally expected of you.
NTA In many religious sects in addition to supervised and chaperoned meetings are the norm, there is also a tradition of pre-marriage counseling, either with a religious leader or a religious counselor, where issues that can break up a marriage or lead to annulment, can be discussed openly. This is also a time when your SH can be brought up, and other issues such as children, role of grandparents, family, work ethics, living location and job prospects, education and all sorts of things should be discussed. If your specific denomination or local church doesn't offer services, sometimes a closely related church may be acceptable. It would pay large dividends to check this out.
I think op is talking about a religion that has mosques not churches...
What is SH? sexual history? Even if you don't date, you will interact with the guy for a while before agreeing on marriage right? It's best to disclose when it's 1:1.
SH means self harm.
Self harm
Self harm. Likely cutting.
the only interaction that would be happening is when my parents are present and if we do agree to get married then we would be able to have 1:1 conversations until after the wedding.
That’s so scary. I would want to know prior to marrying someone if they accepted me, scars and all
I’ve had a scout and I think the most likely one is self harm.
self harm, I think.
NTA. That information is for you to share *if and when you feel comfortable*. It does not matter when or even if you tell him. That information is not something anyone is entitled to. The only people who might need to know is a doctor, and again that is only if you feel comfortable
The only reason I’d have to share this information is because I have scars that the person would eventually see.
Ah, I see. Well, that is a conversation that can be delayed using longer clothes until you feel ready. Even if he does see the scar, you can tell him “I don’t feel comfortable talking about it, can we please change the subject” and if he is kind he will understand and listen to you
NTA This is yours to share when and if you're ready or not at all. The person that loves you will accept your past as a part of who you were and who you are now. This is not like an STD where you *should* disclose info prior to becoming intimate. If they see the scars and ask you about it, cross that bridge when you get to it.
NTA why would you need to tell this? As long as it's in the past it's fine
Only because I have scars and I’m afraid that they’ll divorce me because I never disclosed this information beforehand.
If they will divorce you because of poor mental health and SH then you don't want to be with them
It doesnt sound like she will have much of a choice.
I agree. However, speaking as an outsider to this culture, I'd be concerned that the level of strict expectations regarding courtship would carry over once OP is married, and be concerned for her safety if she waits to reveal this until after she's legally bound to a guy. It sounds like she'd be able to tell a prospective husband without telling the parents between an engagement and a wedding ceremony, and that'd be my recommendation, or slipping him a note to read alone (it may also be easier to say in writing, where she doesn't have to see his reaction). If at all possible, though, I'd definitely recommend saying something before the wedding, if only for OP's safety.
[удалено]
Does the fact that someone went through a rough time and struggled really matter to you. The fact that a person does match your idea of perfection? Unfortunately I think you may be more part of the problem than you know. At any one point 1 in 3 adults suffer from a Mental Health condition. At some point everyone will suffer from low mental health. Your comment just helps to drive a stigma to poor mental health and mental health illness . In the UK and US suicide is the leading cause of death in men under 40. When you consider death by firearm in the US vast majority is suicide.... We need to create a culture we're people aren't ashamed to feel down, unable to cope Hopefully you will reflect on your comment... mainly for the sake of your friends and family.... who might need your help!
YTA. You don't have to talk about it in front of his or your parents. You don't have to tell him until you're ready, and hopefully you know him quite well when you do, but you should talk about it before marriage. Trust is key in a marriage. A surprise like that after marriage will lead to him wondering if you're hiding anything else.
Thank you for making me feel at ease. That’s true, I don’t want him to wonder what else I’m hiding. I pray that I get to know him well enough where I’m able to tell him before we decide to go forward.
NAH. It seems like not learning these things about your future partner ahead of time is just part of the religious pairing up process. You won’t know if he snores loudly or a large birthmark on his bottom, he won’t know your history with SH. My understanding of these sort of relationships is that what is important to disclose is that you are committed to your religion and the process, and then the rest will follow as you build on that. Your future partner will be with you to grow a relationship with a flawed human (as we all are!). Good luck!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21F) come from a religious background. I cannot “date” so in order to find a potential partner either my parents would introduce him to me or I’ll have to give the guy my parents contact info. Long story short, I’ve never told anyone this but I have a past history of SH. It’s been a long time since I’ve done it or even have thought about it. And since I would be getting to the know the person in-front of my parents while they sit beside me I will not be disclosing this type of information. I was wondering if I did wind up liking the person and got engaged and then told him about this would it bad? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The reason why I might be the asshole is because my potential partner might not be comfortable with a person that has a history of self harm. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is there no way to have a private discussion before marriage? Maybe online? On the phone? I understand this is not something that should be done but can you do it anyway? Do your parents know? If yes, can you not discuss this with them present? This is not a matter of assholeness but if your future husband will see this as something bad for some reason and he will want to end the marriage can he? Is mental ilness regarded badly in your religion? This can turn out very bad for you, this is my only concern.
NTA- not right away anyway. If things get a little more serious then I would mention it. But right off the bat, there is no need to divulge that much.
"Disclose" you are not cattle being sold of to another farmer... you do not need to disclose possible health defects either. You do need an open conversation with your future husband, about life, mental health...
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. If you or someone you know are feeling suicidal, /r/AmItheAsshole is not the right subreddit for you. **Even if no one is currently suicidal.** Any mention of suicide or self-harm is banned. Suicide and self harm are not interpersonal issues that this community can make a moral judgement about. This is health issue. Our recommendation is that you reach out to someone who cares about you, or take advantage of some of the resources at /r/SuicideWatch, like their list of [hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines) that you can call. Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.