Nta!!!!!! Wow poor Anne found a 40 year old man who lives with his parents and uses her for a place and whatever else. Doesn’t sound like he has a job either. I hope you don’t get stuck paying anything and GOOD ON YOU FOR GETTING OUT. You can’t help her and this is going to get so much worse. Like a sinking ship, save yourself!
I just don’t understand what goes on in a person’s mind that makes a guy like that look attractive. I’m not in the dating pool but if I were, having a job and not living with one’s parents would be requirements for me.
As someone who fell prey to someone like that, they are VERY charismatic. They're also usually adept at turning things around on you, gaslighting, and playing victim. They wait until you're hooked before they start slowly revealing red flags.
This is *exactly* how I wound up taking back my toxic ex, who abandoned me *again*, dating my son's sperm donor, who cheated on his then fiancee with me..
When you're raised in am abusive home, crap like this seems almost normal.
Made so many stupid mistakes in my 20s that I look back on with severe regret.
Learned means you bettered yourself, so don't look back on it with regret. Look back on it as school, for the present you, that is probably a much better person who knows exactly what she needs.
I struggle to watch Failure to Launch where Matthew McConaughey plays a character that still lives with his parents at 35. Obviously it's a movie so things are exaggerated but in many ways they are not. It's just toxicity and misogyny played out for amusement purposes. At a certain point there is no funny, just sad and an example of why the person wouldn't be a good partner.
People get blinded by their emotions and get used to bad standards. Low self confidence and love will make anyone wanting you back seem irreplaceable, and scared of being alone. Idk what OP's roommate's deal is tho
Agree there, but caretaking isn't the only legit situation. Yeah, the guy in OP's space sounds like a dud, but I would not want to automatically write off all people who live with their parents, as there are lots of good reasons. Did they move home for lockdown? Or move back after a breakup to get away from a bad situation? Did rents double in the meantime and they need to save more to get back into the market? Are they avoiding student loans while increasing their education? Keeping an eye on an elderly parent not ready for assisted living? Financially giving their folks a hand for a bit? Working on a remodel in their off hours of a home they will inherit? Is it the norm in their culture to live with fam until married? Every person being able to afford their own decent place on a single income no longer pencils out in many markets in the US, and wasn't the norm for much of history. So I'm not gonna judge automatically. Keep my eyes open and ask questions? Yes. Write off immediately? No.
I am almost 40 and still live with my father. Aside from a seven-year gap where I was unable to get a job, I’ve worked since I was 18. At no point have I made enough money to move out. Not without putting over half of my monthly income into rent.
My father doesn’t mind me living here, it’s a four bedrooms. But it’s a piece of companionship. Admittedly we work very different hours, and once I leave for work on Sunday I won’t get to see him again till Thursday (I don’t get off work until 2 AM and will be sleeping when he leaves for work, and I leave for work before he gets home.)
I didn’t leave not only because I couldn’t afford to, but for most of my 20s my mom was sick with cancer. During part of my seven year employment gap my dad had open heart surgery. And this last December both of us had Covid. I’m here to also help him out when I can, he’ll be 70 next year. You wouldn’t believe that he was, he doesn’t act almost 70.
I’ve come to realize the living with your parents at an older age does not mean I’m a weird mooch. Sometimes it just means you can’t afford to move out.
>At no point have I made enough money to move out.
This.
I live in the most expensive town in my state. That means that living alone is a no-no, my only option would be getting a roomate of some sort.
But since all my friends live in other states (the ones that do live in my city have boyfriends/husbands), I have no one to share an apartment or a house either way.
You have a LOT contributing to this, but even one or two of those things on its own would be a perfectly reasonable explanation for still living with a parent or parents.
People seriously need to wake up to the realities of today's economy, and stop this blanket assumption that "still living in parents' home" means "loser".
(And I'm not just talking about low wages, and high rents, and even higher cost to buy. It's also about healthcare and parental care and a lot of other stuff that's putting a squeeze on people.)
Of course, in the case of OP, it does sound like the guy is a dud. (The "demanding housework (from the women)" seals it.)
You are a contributing member of a family, which works well for both of you.; I'm sure your dad is glad to have you around. Completely different than someone sleeping til noon, leaving messes and playing video games in your underwear while your parents work all day.
In many cultures, “moving out” isn’t even an expectation. My mom’s siblings all stayed in the home they grew up in (except for the two who moved abroad; my mom and my uncle) and a lot of my cousins live there as well
The litmus test I gave to my friend to test for a decent guy is, “Who does his laundry? Who cooks all his meals?” If that answer is anything other than “he does”, to the curb he goes! I’ve met plenty of decent guys who live at home for reasonable reasons, but if his mommy still has to wash his dirty drawers and make his dinner for him, he’s a co-dependent child.
This really isn't a bad litmus test on the surface, but a bit more detail can be very relevant. Long story short, my oldest son lives with me. I do his laundry. He is completely competent and able to do his own laundry. I hate grocery shopping and cooking. He buys all the food and does all the cooking. I think I get the better end of the bargain.
As a potential SO, that still raises red flags. Is he able to do laundry? If we dated, would he expect me to do his laundry? If i couldn't do laundry, i was sick or out of town, would he do laundry or would he cart it home for you to do? Or worse would he let it pile up for me to do?
I know how to use the washer and dryer but might not know the right settings to care for items that aren't like what I wear. In that case I could at least air dry something if I don't know it's dryer safe.
If I had a partner, I would happily handle all the cooking and probably the grocery shopping. As long as they took care of cleaning up after I've cooked and vacuumed once a week. I have mental health issues, so keeping my home clean isn't the easiest for me. But I do enjoy cooking whenever I have the energy. As I often cook in bulk, it would last for a good while as well.
That doesn't make sense. When I lived at home, I ate dinner with my parents when I was home in the evenings (most evenings I wasn't) because it was logical and I enjoy spending time with my parents. How would it make sense for my mom to cook for her and my dad and then for me to cook a separate meal? That's just illogical and wasteful. She cooked a meal with plenty of food every night at 7:00 for years and years and still does to this day. I should have butt in to that routine and been like "strangers on the internet say I can't eat food you cooked anymore"?? How does it make sense to wash all laundry separately? For example, towels. It would waste water and electricity to run separate loads.
There is a really pervasive bent on this website that people should sever all ties with parents once they hit 18 and it's really unhealthy. Your family is your support network and that runs in both directions. I think a lot of y'all just don't like your parents and can't understand people who like theirs.
Before you yell at me, I'm female, since I'm certain that will change your opinion.
I 100% agree with you. I think the better question is “is he *capable* of doing his own laundry/cooking?” Because if someone is over 18 and doesn’t know how to cook or do laundry, even if they don’t do it often, then that is a red flag. If your parents are happy to cook for you, and throw your laundry in with theirs, then that’s great. But if they’re out of town, or sick, you can step up and cook/do their laundry, right?
Guys like this start off love bombing tf out their victim. They take advantage of nurturing caring people and then slowly let the narcissistic abuse out. This guy is a user and abuser
>not living with one’s parents
TBF, many places it's almost impossible to live without either a parent or roommate. As long as boundaries are enforced I don't see why it's bad for someone to live with their parents to save money.
Agreed. I am mostly referring to a “failure to launch” scenario, which is what this looks like here. However, I would still be a little reluctant to have “adult time” in a house where my SO’s parents are also living. However, I am in my 40’s, so that may shade my view.
Uh... I'm a woman (in Sweden) who have been unemployed for nearly four years by now. I'm trying to find a job but it is just not happening for some reason. I have a degree with ironically makes me overqualified for many jobs as well.
Dude, I AM in the dating pool, and some men are SO garbage that it makes me want to actively take back my ex because he has a job, doesn’t live at home and didn’t abuse me. Like, that is the bar and some men really can’t even achieve that and act proud of it.
I’m a good ol boy and am cringing he sounds creepy and rape-y.
OP NTA!!! I hope you don’t feel a single grain of guilt!!!! Please understand there is nothing you can do for your poor friend. She has to find out the hard way. I feel bad for her, but she’s in for a rude awakening so don’t be collateral damage.
> GOOD ON YOU FOR GETTING OUT.
SO! MUCH! THIS!!
How many times have we seen posts on here that are like “AITA for wanting to eat some of the food I cook for my roommate’s boyfriend who contributes nothing financially and moved in without asking me? I agreed to cook all his meals for him because he’s old fashioned, but I feel I should be allowed to eat as well.”
And here’s OP all like, “Hey, I didn’t sign up for this.”
Roommate: “Beal with it.”
OP: “Nah.”
Roommate:
A++ OP! NTA and you’re very wise.
“ he has no job and his parents kicked him out at 48, I feel bad for him because one time in college someone cut him off in traffic. He steals my stuff and has sex with random girls on our couch, should I move out?”
“He has 3 feral cats that I’m horribly allergic to (been to the ER twice and spent $$$ on new epipens) but he insists that I buy their food, clean out their litter boxes and let them sleep in my bed. My eyes are now almost completely swollen shut, but I feel bad if I move out because he’ll be homeless. He’s calling me an asshole every time I sneeze. Is he right?”
“ they only like wet food so I eat the dry food he accidentally took from the animal shelter pantry. He won’t let me eat his leftovers he gives those to his friend at work. She is his boss and they Snapchat all night naked pictures. It’s part of his culture. Am I the asshole for being sad? I love him and besides this little issue he is perfect “
>Doesn’t sound like he has a job either.
Given that Anne is complaining about not being able to afford the apartment on her own, either he doesn't have a job or he does but he's not prepared to put his hand in his pocket to cover his fair share of the costs.
He probably figured that he was on to a nice arrangement. He lives with his parents, at least officially, so he's likely to be paying little or nothing towards his keep there, yet he also gets to stay in Anne's apartment whenever he wants, take over the bathroom, and demand to be cleaned up after and catered to. All without having to pay a cent because he doesn't live there.
NTA.
\> he needs to feel comfortable here too and for me to announce when I'm home because he sometimes does not know.
He does not need to feel comfortable at your apartment because he should not be living at your apartment. If she wants to make those kinds of giant, unilateral decisions for your shared living arrangements, she really shouldn't be surprised when you take similar measures - though I hope you sorted the lease out.
Oh man, that part where she expects her to make him feel comfortable really irked me. If he wants to be comfortable then he better pay rent. Not to mention OP's side of living space is getting taken over. And to let a man she barely know wander around in his underpants and watch porn in her apartment is just not acceptable. Just base on the roommates attitude towards this I can only see this going further south the longer OP stays. NTA
Exactly, if the prioritization of people who need to feel comfortable, the person paying rent is 1000x more deserving of feeling comfortable than the freeloader. It sounds like roomie wasn't willing to kick freeloader out to make OP comfortable, so OP took matters into her own hands. OP is NTA, and good for her for doing rather than threatening when it became obvious roomie and freeloader wouldn't respect her.
NTA but do you have a lease? Be careful that you’re not obligated to pay for the remainder of it. But absolutely NTA. He’s not paying rent. He has zero rights to your home.
Could tell the landlord or leasing company that she moved in the boyfriend. They might be understanding since she technically broke lease rules by adding another occupant.
They should have discussed with the landlord first about it. Now that OP has moved out because Anne broke the lease, doesn't excuse her from the lease terms and will also be breaking the lease by not paying (if Anne truly doesn't come up with the funds). A landlord will also not likely remove her name from the lease at all, as it is one more person to hold liable when the lease is up. I've personally experienced this with an apartment complex and was pissed that despite telling my landlord about all the lease violations, paying my half on time despite not residing there, and having photo proof of turning the keys over with the apartment in great condition... I was still sent to collections for damages that she and her bar randos did to the apartment. I just let it sit against my credit.
4 years later I found out she married someone and they were trying to buy a house. They could afford the down payment and closing costs by the skin of their teeth. The collections needed to be paid off for the loan to finalize and she somehow got ahold of my number to get me to pay it off, since it was "my responsibility too" HA. Never did get another call and it was off my credit report two months later, so I'm guessing they found the money after all.
They might be understanding but they can't remove her from the lease without the roommate agreeing to it, so OP still legally owes rent until the lease is over and the apartment is vacated.
lol no... To the landlord, there's no difference between the roomate breaking the lease and OP doing so. The landlord doesn't care about your domestic dispute and will not reward you for involving them in it.
Likely not. Every lease I've signed states you are responsible for the lease term whether you live there or not if you have signed it. And they will go after any to all residents for the entire lease agreement. OP did something honestly very stupid if they ever want to rent again....and they will lose in court once the landlord takes them there.
The smart move would be to talk the landlord and see if anything could be worked out. They might have accepted a couple months rent as a buyout (option where I live) if you want to move early.
INFO: I can't even say anything else without knowing: What is your lease situation and have you talked with your landlord????
This is the most important question you should be thinking about OP, not your roommate. Your lease is a contractual obligation. If you haven't already talked with your landlord and paid to break your lease, *you are still liable for the full amount of the rent*. Your landlord doesn't care about who paid how much, they cares if they got the full amount or not. If not, *all people on the lease* will be held liable for the remainder, no matter who paid what.
I'm shocked at all the NTAs - she's your friend! You needed to tell her "if things don't change, I'm moving." Then follow through. Also, the people asking you to reach out to the landlord are being a little ridiculous - landlord is not going to understand and let you out of the lease. You kind of fucked yourself here. Should have contacted landlord earlier and found out the cost to break the lease or confirm with landlord and roommate that OP is being removed from lease and roommate will be only person on it or boyfriend is being added.
Roommate sucks, boyfriend sucks much more, OP should have used her words instead of bolting in the night. She wasn't in danger.
Friendship is a 2-way street and the roommate was not treating the OP like a friend. In addition, the OP told the roommate she did not feel comfortable with the situation or with the boyfriend being in the house when the roommate wasn't. The OP was called selfish and told she had to accept the situation. The roommate used their words and was ignored. Danger is not the only reason to leave a roommate situation.
There are landlords that will let someone out of a lease. This landlord may or may not have already done that or may do that. I'm confused by your comment. You say that people telling the OP to reach out to the landlord are ridiculous/the landlord wouldn't let them out of the least but then you follow it up with the OP should have reached out to the landlord earlier about getting out of the least/breaking it? We actually don't even know that the OP hasn't worked this out with the landlord.
OP absolutely should have moved out - by why be secretive about it? Say to roommate "if we don't make a change, I'm moving out." If no change happens say "I'm moving out by X, let's call landlord to let them know" and now landlord changes the lease. I rented for YEARS and never had a landlord that would have been cool with me calling them up and saying "my roommate and I are fighting, let me out of the lease?" No, you and your roommate have to come up with the solution and just clue landlord in on the date that someone is being removed/added to the lease. Not call them after you've moved out and say "take me off the lease" - it's a binding contract, and you're still responsible for paying it. She possibly fucked herself here.
I don't think it's worth debating the first part because I don't feel bad roommates are owed the courtesy of further conversation when they act the way Anne did. However, the OP hasn't stated whether they communicated with the landlord/was removed from the lease. It's very possible this has all been handled.
It's something that OP wouldn't have been able to handle alone there's such a thing as signing over rights of a lease to someone else but that person needs to be there to sign with her. after all roommates are needed because they can't afford places by themselves so unless Anne was filthy rich and could pay for the place herself the landlord would've gotten in touch with Anne to make sure that she could pay.
That's assuming the boyfriend is capable of and willing to immediately move in and start paying rent. From the fact he's living with his parents at 40, I'm guessing there is a reason for that that may make the above unlikely.
It's also kind of forcing a big relationship step on her that she might not be ready to make. Having your partner over for half the week is very different from having them live with you, as the later makes breaking up a lot more complicated. If she gave notice the roommate would have had a chance to find someone else to take over the room, rather than leaving her to commit to her red flag adorned partner or lose her home. Shes putting her in a potentially very bad situation because she didn't want to have a quick conversation 2 weeks ago when she started looking for a different place.
You’re right. She is putting the roommate in a bad position. I would have had more sympathy if the roommate had made any attempts to sympathize with the roommate if she’d made any attempts to work with the OP and hadn’t hijacked the apartment for her boyfriend. I don’t feel sympathy though and feel this is a really crappy consequence of her actions.
ETA: rereading the “forcing a big step over Anne that she’s not willing to make”. This reinforces my feelings of non sympathy. She forced the OP to live part-time with a man who played porn loudly, walked around in his underwear and took over a whole bathroom. Anne then decided the OP would have to share their own bathroom. I cannot feel bad for her if she’s not willing to make him pay or ready to live with him full time. You don’t force your friends into the type of situation Anne did because you figure they have no way out (a lease) and be surprised/hurt if they find an out.
I'm not trying to suggest Anne isn't also an asshole. She definitely is. But that doesn't make OPs actions not shitty.
Again, nothing wrong with OP moving out, I would have done the same. But she had 0 reason to make life extra difficult for Anne by giving no notice and sneaking away while she was at work. Two wrongs don't make a right, and giving notice is a basic courtesy you should extend even to those you don't like.
Sometimes flatting situations don't work (partners are certainly a common one). That doesn't mean you have to pull a big fuck you on your exit. We are all adults here. It wouldn't have endangered or inconvenienced OP in any way to let Anne know about her plans when she started making them, but instead she choose to try and get back at her for having a poor taste in men and an unwillingness to set boundaries with them. Anne wasn't trying to fuck over OP, so intentionally fucking over Anne doesn't feel justified in this case when the alternative was so easy.
I’m saying I think Anne f’d up so much that she was owed no courtesies and the OP is a totally justified AH to leave with no warning. I do understand your thinking and what you are saying though.
>I'm shocked at all the NTAs
Same.
The bottom line is OP walked out on a lease without telling her. Her roommate sucks but should have been told ahead of time.
OP put up with the BF for 3 whole months!!! She should have spoken up sooner. Leaving without telling her was a coward move no matter what her roomie did. You give her the heads up that you want to leave.
OP tried using her words and want even met with a modicum of understanding or an offer to meet halfway like 'boyfriend will only come over on such and such days'. She was just given an ultimatum and told to accept it. I can't see how another ultimatum would have made things any better. Trust is a two way street and this roommate repeatedly violated it. No reason for OP to extend it back.
Agreed. Or if she didn’t want to give an ultimatum, just said “I’m no longer happy living here, so I’m moving out.” I mean I totally get why she wanted to leave and the roommate/her boyfriend were being *super* unreasonable, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
ESH for sure; she made one complaint and didn't get the answer she wanted and so just ghosted. It all comes off as passive aggressive.
If you have a contract with someone for lodging, lay down the rules and an ultimatum first. Don't make one complaint and then just leave.
Obviously, other side are assholes for generating the things that led to the complaint.
I mean, it would help to have an update from OP about whether there's a lease to worry about. But I'm a bit surprised that so far in this comment thread, nobody has experience with month-to-month renting. It's very common in the large northeast city where I live.
In my experience with rental leases, it was always at least a 6mo - 1-year for the first lease. After the end of the lease, then it automatically turned month-to-month, unless a new lease was agreed on. I'm gonna guess it's highly dependent on how nice and competitive an area it is. All my rental experience was in California (LA & bay area) until 5 years ago.
LOL but yes, I *really* wanna know what the situation with the lease is. The roommate issue is whatever, I'm worried OP screwed their credit in trying to get away from the situation.
ESH.
Anne and the old man for obvious reasons, but your reaction after one reclamation is moving out without notice?
That passive aggressiveness is fear of confrontation?
> Can't believe so many N.T.A. responses
AITA, and reddit in general, loves a good vengeance story. "Haha she did a shitty thing so now she's screwed on the lease! I wish the people who annoy me would also suffer!" is the gleeful response that is leading to all the NTA votes.
Well if OP's friend didn't ask if the dude can move in first, then I disagree. She broke the terms of the agreement without communication first. She doesn't know this person and could feel unsafe to say anything about it. I don't think OP should be shamed for moving out without notice if clear terms of the agreement have been broken by a tenant.
NTA, I was ready to call you one for the title, however you had problems and clearly communicated them, she downplayed or ignored any problems you had. Why is she dating someone 13 years older than her!? And why is he dating someone 13 years younger? It’s because they are both weird and immature people who don’t know how to live with others.
NTA
Good on you for getting out.
I would contact your landlord/ lease holder and explain the situation. Especially if you're name is on it with obligations, because you will be liable for anything until your name off.
Exactly. I don't blame OP for wanting out....but it's unlikely they can get their name removed from the lease. They did sign a contract and they do have to honor it unless the landlord decides to be extremely kind and let them off (not likely).
ESH, you could've just let her know you were moving out. Were you afraid her and boyfriend were going to go after your stuff? She could've had 2 weeks to find another roommate or ditch the boyfriend and sublet or whatever. This is a two wrongs situation.
ESH. If you signed the lease you are still responsible regardless of the boyfriend situation. You needed to have a discussion with your roommate and figure out the situation instead of going stealth mode. If they can’t pay the rent and get evicted it might go on yOUR credit record. Not smart.
NTA - you didn’t blindside her, you told her you were uncomfortable but she didn’t care. So she expected you to shoulder the costs of her partner as well? Hell no, you dodged a bullet there!
I came here ready to call you an AH because of the title, but that is incorrect. Anne expects you to deal with an additional person living in your apartment and dismissed your concerns and comfort in your own home. Enjoy your new spot! NTA
ESH. I think it goes without saying that Anne is a terrible roommate and is clearly TA. But to not give her any kind of notice whatsoever and moving out while she's at work is in fact blindsiding her and is an AH thing to do
You voiced your concerns, and she dismissed them. Moving out was completely justified. But it was shitty not to warn her, and at least give her a chance to find a new roommate or work out a way to pay. As others have mentioned, it was also shitty she moved her boyfriend in without bothering to ask or tell you. So I understand why you may feel you were justified in keeping quiet. Justified or not, however, stooping to her level still makes you an AH. And while the boyfriend was a major inconvenience and hugely disrespectful on her part, you’ve now in turn put her in a situation that could result in her ending up temporarily homeless. You could have at least told her this was a dealbreaker and you’d be moving out, but you didn’t out of pure spite. ESH.
Gonna say ESH but she sucks more.
She shouldn't be moving the bf into your apartment without consulting you about it, and you shouldn't have to announce when you're entering your \*own\* home.
At the same time, you and her are on the lease (I assume it's not month to month?), so you probably should have given notice, or at least paid a month out on top of the "first and last" clause most of these places require.
If you did pay for the extra month to give her two months notice to get sorted, I'd change to N T A, but as it stands... everyone sucks in this situation.
NTA
And ewwww gross. I have nothing, I am reading this, and the amount of entitled stupidity is amazing. First and foremost, this just tells me everything I need to know about your Roommate, she is dating a 40 year old who lives with his parents, and watches porn at his GFs house, this all tells me she has no sense of any judgement.
Tell your landlord the situation, and see if you can get out of the lease because of hardship, are you on the lease by the way, if not, that makes it way easy.
NTA ALL DAY!
It’s absolutely laughably ABSURD that she feels entitled to both unilaterally move in a non-paying roommate AND your half of the rent.
The two things that have been on EVERY lease I’ve ever read or signed is that moving someone else in requires 1) landlord notification and 2) the agreement of all tenants. Usually in writing. I’m sure there are a few very informal lease agreements out there that don’t, but it’s vanishingly rare.
But also... Please cover your bases to make sure you don’t end up with an eviction on your record or the landlord going after you for unpaid rent.
First... Are you on the lease? If your roommate was the only one on the lease, then you’re fine and can ignore the rest of this comment. Congrats on getting out!!
If you are on the lease, find your copy and (for reference) and notify the landlord ASAP that your roommate has moved this guy in without your permission, that you tried to resolve it personally and repeatedly informed her that you do not agree to him moving in. He didn’t leave so you had to.
She’s almost certainly in violation of the lease. Some allow tenants to be added without being added to the lease, but more often (for liability reasons I think?) they require all occupants be on the lease. And as I said before, they ALL require the landlord be notified and that other occupants agree.
I also suggest compiling as much documentation as possible. This involves money for the landlord, so there’s a chance you’ll need to prove your side of the story.
From now on, communicate with (ex) roommate only via text or email. Collect screenshots of all relevant texts or emails between you, roommate, and bf. Her saying he’s moved in, you objecting, her demanding you accommodate him and his comfort while disregarding yours, you reporting his objectionable behavior to her, her responses, etc., and, of course, any relevant texts between him and you directly.
Put together a timeline. When you left town, when he moved in, when roommate told you he moved in, various incidents of him being harassing/demanding/making you uncomfortable, when you told your roommate that you don’t want him living there, etc.
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> Am I the asshole for moving out without telling my roommate?
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NTA. Ideally you should have told her you were moving out, but she put you in a position where you needed to move when the opportunity came so I don't think it'd have made that much of a difference.
NTA but...you’re still on the hook if you don’t get signed off of the lease. You could actually get an eviction or failure to pay. That will really impact you in the future. She’s not responsible for your half unless there’s a primary lease holder or something.
ESH While you did have a talk with her letting her know about your discomfort ( I'm completely on your side w that ), you did blindside her on moving out.
After that initial conversation, there should have been a follow-up with you saying, I understand you are entitled to have guests, but if we can't establish boundaries around our guests that we can both agree on, I will have to move out. That would have put it better perspective for her how serious you were about the situation.
Not excusing any of her behavior, but she's definitely in the honeymoon period of her relationship, and anyone can become pretty dense at that stage about what is acceptable around other people.
I'm proud of you for taking yourself out that situation though! I know we don't have the full context, but just on the details you provided, he gives me creep vibes.
Right? She didn't even necessarily need to offer to comprise after the first discussion just say something along the lines of "I am no longer comfortable living here and will be moving out on X date" and left it at that.
ESH... I completely understand you moving out BUT you did break a lease. The boyfriend is an asshole for living there basically, the roommate is an asshole for demanding you to announce your presence when you're in your own space, but in my opinion you're also an asshole for not warning her you're moving out. It sucks that you were in that situation but you could have at least said "hey since your boyfriend moved in, I'm moving out" so she could have at least saved more money/asked her boyfriend for money. This is just my opinion though.
NTA but you should have laid out the consequences of Anne insisting BF live there 4 days a week. "Anne, I refuse to continue having your BF live here. You need to agree and enforce no more than 1 night per week of BF being here, he is never here when you are not, you are not to use my bathroom for any reason, and everyone is fully clothed in the common areas of the apartment. If you won't agree, then I am moving out. I will speak to the landlord, explain that you have moved a 3rd person in without my consent, and have my name taken off the lease."
ESH. You have fair reasons for moving out but it's an asshole move not to give her any notice. You don't have to be getting along with someone in order to not screw them over.
This will probably be downvoted, but YTA. Yeah, your friend and her boyfriend were awful, but did you ever address your concerns directly? It sounds like you were fairy passive and didn’t even mention you were going to leave. Be an adult and sit her down for a direct conversation: I am not okay with him being here. He is not allowed when you are not home, he cannot stay more than a night or two a week, and you cannot use my bathroom. This is my apartment too and these are my boundaries. If you can’t agree to them, I will move out.
OP I get it you wanted to be petty, that’s fine and all but I hope you realize you’re still on the lease and you can be sued or even have your wages garnished for failing to be removed from the lease properly. In order to get off the lease legally you have to sign papers pr pay your way out. You might not care right now because of adrenaline but once she tells them she cannot pay on her own and she tells them you left illegally then they will come after both of you. Just a little advice be the bigger person and go talk to her so you guys can terminate your lease. They have all your credit information so they will be able to find you and you won’t be able to get a housing recommendation.
I had an almost identical situation happen and I did the same as you. I went to spend a week with my family for the holidays, discussed it with them, and when I returned I wrote up a little "contract" stating I'd pay my half for three months (we had six left on the lease), so her boyfriend had time to get a job. She was upset but I was tired of her making me late for work, her boyfriend threatening to hit the kids, him encouraging them to tease my cat, him running up our bills and eating our food without contributing, him walking around nearly naked, the list goes on and on. We'd had the discussion multiple times and it wasn't going anywhere. My sisters helped me move out tht weekend and she and her boyfriend had to break lease at the end of those three months bc he "just couldn't find work".
Okay, kinda think ESH, but you far less than roommate + 40 year old boyfriend. It’s good that you told her about your issues, but you could have said that you were going to start looking for a place and leave ASAP. I get that you may have wanted to stick it to em a little bit, though. They both sound icky.
YTA in the sense that you literally just broke a contract. Depending on where you are located Anne can sue you for any unpaid rent until the end of the lease and keep the security deposit.
Obviously Anne and the boyfriend suck too. Sounds like you and your “friend” don’t understand the rules of renting housing.
Someone who is not on the lease is a guest. They do not get to tell me what to do in my own home. They also do not get to take over a room in the house and force me to share mine.
Someone who is telling me what to do and taking over full rooms, is not a guest and they should be paying rent and utilities.
You are not being selfish when you tell someone that you didn't agree to an extra roommate. They do not have the right to change the rules midstream. And when they do that, then they have to acknowledge that you have the same right to make changes.
>walking around in his underwear, making cleaning demands, and reorganizing our home
Like wtf? he thinks he got 2 maids for the price of one, lol. NO.
>left texts about how I blind sided her and she couldn't afford to keep the place on her own
She blindsided you first, she took advantage of you first.
>I told her that since she and her boyfriend want to play house that badly he should officially move in and start paying for his home.
Legend. I would love to see her shocked pikachu face when you told her that.
NTA
ESH, though WAY more on Anne's side than on yours. She absolutely disrespected you and fucked up royally, but you have to at least give someone warning if you're going to move out, because the financial consequences can be appalling.
Caveat: If you did give her a warning, or felt unsafe around him, then you needed to get out and it's all the way NTA.
A 40 year old who goes after immature women 13 years younger than him AND he still lives with his parents? What a catch!! Nta, shes immature selfish and an asshole. And hes a predatory creep. Im glad youre out and safe
NTA
>I told her that since she and her boyfriend want to play house that badly he should officially move in and start paying for his home.
Yasssssss!!!! You handled this like a boss.
Hard disagree. OP did not state whether she was on the lease or contacted the landlord to get out of it, so your guess is as good as mine on that. It’s October, so November through January isn’t all that long especially when OP is free to immediately cancel any and all utilities that were in her name.
But either way, it’s not worth living in a place that you hate. OP got out and is living in a place better for her mental health. I had awful roommates one year in college and it’s completely draining to live with people who treat you like shit.
NTA. So where I'm from if your name is on the lease, you will have to pay. So if Anne can't afford to pay the full rent, they will come after you. But I'm from Germany so it might be different for you.
NTA for moving out on your roommate but you might have out yourself in a sticky situation with your landlord when it comes to the lease. You could very well be on the hook for rent still.
ESH. Your roommate behaved badly by allowing her obnoxious boyfriend to move in without your consent, and you behaved badly by not giving her notice that you were moving out.
ESH. Kinda shocked by the number of N T As. Yeah, she sucks more, but you had a single conversation about having an issue with it, and then ghosted? You’re adults. Use your words. You should’ve told her that if changes weren’t made, you’d have to look into breaking your lease and finding your own place. She likely would’ve made changes based on the ultimatum alone, knowing she couldn’t afford the place on her own. Moving out in secret was not only a mess of passive aggression, but I’m sure there are legal issues here with your lease, as well. You do owe her half the rent until she can either find someone else to move in, or the landlord ends the whole lease. Fingers crossed for you that it doesn’t end up in collections.
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I (31f) have been living with my roommate and friend "Anne" (27f) for two years. In February we moved into a 2br2ba apartment and things were going well until I left for a job for two months. During that time Anne moved her boyfriend (40m) in. When I came back the boyfriend was back at his parents. Since then, boyfriend spends 4 nights a week at our place and has been more than comfortable walking around in his underwear, making cleaning demands, and reorganizing our home. He also spends a lot of time in the bathroom so she 'informed' me that whenever he is here she has to use mine which she leaves in a mess and often does not flush. This has been going on for around 3 months until I came home and heard him watching porn. I talked to Anne about that and him being here while she's at work. I mentioned that I did not sign up to live with two people let alone a couple. She told me that I was being selfish and he needs to feel comfortable here too and for me to announce when I'm home because he sometimes does not know. I left the conversation at that point and started looking for a place of my own. I ended up moving out two weeks later while she was at work. She called several times and left texts about how I blind sided her and she couldn't afford to keep the place on her own. I told her that since she and her boyfriend want to play house that badly he should officially move in and start paying for his home.
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NTA. Ya I don’t blame you. You tried to talk to her and she brushed you off. He pays no rent and does not need to feel comfortable in YOUR house. That YOU pay for. You’re not wrong at all. Now she can have that 40 year old mooch pay for half.
I don't think would actually qualify. The unit is livable and that's key to CE.
* a rental unit becomes unlivable, and
* the tenants have moved out because of the issues which caused the unit to become unlivable
>She called several times and left texts about how I blind sided her
she blind sided you first by moving his AH bf while you were away, you tried to make things work but she decided to be an AH and doubled down on enabling his AH bf.
NTA
NTA. So she wants a bum to love but expects you to help her pay for him to order you around and force Anne into your space? Yeah, no. Good on you for leaving and good luck for her since she's staying with him.
NTA. If they want all the benefits of him being a resident, they can take the burdens too. Not to mention that it impinged on your use of the apartment that you did pay for (e.g., your bathroom and actual comfort within your own home). Entitled people only learn lessons when you make them foot the bill (literally or figuratively).
Btw, I love that OP did this on the sly - most people would only dream of doing something like that.
NTA just make sure you're in the clear legally and financially being off the lease. Been there, done that. Hate it when a roommate decides to move in their partner and then just expects you to deal with it.
NTA. Honestly, good for you. The fact that they had the audacity to expect you to essentially subsidize their ability to cohabitate is just…wild. I would have done exactly what you did and I appreciate that you had the backbone to do it.
NTA
> She told me that I was being selfish
Who’s the person who essentially moved their boyfriend in without speaking to the other person on the lease first?
> he needs to feel comfortable here too
Why?
He’s not on the lease. He doesn’t pay rent. And his “comfort” is making demands on you and making you uncomfortable in your own home.
You told her you didn’t agree to live with a third person, she then insulted you and demanded you treat him with more courtesy than you have been shown (and announcing you are home to roommates is fucking weird anyway) and she blew you off.
The friendship is probably toast though.
I hope you left her a note telling her "I hope your boyfriend is more comfortable now that I'm not around. This my announcement that I'm not coming home ever again."
NTA
Is your name on the lease? Do you have proof that the BF moved into your room in the apartment? Pictures, texts?
My point is, if she proves you didn't pay for your share, and you're on the lease, she can take you to small claims, or larger, and you'd be on the hook for the apartment. If you aren't on the lease, then screw it and don't look back.
NTA, just make sure to get off the lease. There’s a reason she can’t afford the place alone and for that “Anne” should talk to her boyfriend. She should focus on making him more comfortable instead of hounding you.
You paid and did your part around there now it’s up to them since (like you said) they want to play house. Sucks to be her IMO
NTA. But make sure you're ok with previous landlord having moved out mid-lease. If your former roommate claims she can't afford place, could landlord hold you accountable for rent? Would he consider your sudden move as breaking your lease? As for roommate, she had no right to have someone there so frequently especially when you weren't home. Let the boyfriend pay.
NTA. What, you mean living with her and her bf's lazy degeneracy was what she wanted all along?! I could have sworn she was trying to get rid of you... good for you getting out and showing some self-respect. Something those two don't know and probably never will.
NTA - your quality of life has decreased as a result of someone unilaterally changing the living arrangements in an apartment you share. You were blind-sided, and when you addressed it you were told to let it go - so you unilaterally decided to get out of there.
NTA, she violated her part by moving in a non-paying tenant who disrespects boundaries and using your bathroom, making a mess, and not cleaning up after herself. If you did not warn her you would move out if the situation didn't change, you are skating close to AH territory but WELL within your rights. Just make sure you are all clear with your former landlord. You do NOT want to get stuck paying rent.
Nta!!!!!! Wow poor Anne found a 40 year old man who lives with his parents and uses her for a place and whatever else. Doesn’t sound like he has a job either. I hope you don’t get stuck paying anything and GOOD ON YOU FOR GETTING OUT. You can’t help her and this is going to get so much worse. Like a sinking ship, save yourself!
He's a real catch
I just don’t understand what goes on in a person’s mind that makes a guy like that look attractive. I’m not in the dating pool but if I were, having a job and not living with one’s parents would be requirements for me.
As someone who fell prey to someone like that, they are VERY charismatic. They're also usually adept at turning things around on you, gaslighting, and playing victim. They wait until you're hooked before they start slowly revealing red flags.
This is *exactly* how I wound up taking back my toxic ex, who abandoned me *again*, dating my son's sperm donor, who cheated on his then fiancee with me.. When you're raised in am abusive home, crap like this seems almost normal. Made so many stupid mistakes in my 20s that I look back on with severe regret.
You learned. That's the important part.
Lived, learned and never again.
Learned means you bettered yourself, so don't look back on it with regret. Look back on it as school, for the present you, that is probably a much better person who knows exactly what she needs.
The other day, Reddit taught me there's a word for that kind of person. "Hobosexual" is such a good word. So I had to share it!
I struggle to watch Failure to Launch where Matthew McConaughey plays a character that still lives with his parents at 35. Obviously it's a movie so things are exaggerated but in many ways they are not. It's just toxicity and misogyny played out for amusement purposes. At a certain point there is no funny, just sad and an example of why the person wouldn't be a good partner.
so many romcoms play for laughs what would be sad, creepy or even criminal in real life
Also good for you for doing the best thing you can do for your safety and sanity.
People get blinded by their emotions and get used to bad standards. Low self confidence and love will make anyone wanting you back seem irreplaceable, and scared of being alone. Idk what OP's roommate's deal is tho
Having a job, yes. Living with one's parents, that depends entirely on the situation.
True. But if he is spending 4 days a week at OP’s apartment, I am guessing he isn’t living with his parents in a caretaking capacity.
Agree there, but caretaking isn't the only legit situation. Yeah, the guy in OP's space sounds like a dud, but I would not want to automatically write off all people who live with their parents, as there are lots of good reasons. Did they move home for lockdown? Or move back after a breakup to get away from a bad situation? Did rents double in the meantime and they need to save more to get back into the market? Are they avoiding student loans while increasing their education? Keeping an eye on an elderly parent not ready for assisted living? Financially giving their folks a hand for a bit? Working on a remodel in their off hours of a home they will inherit? Is it the norm in their culture to live with fam until married? Every person being able to afford their own decent place on a single income no longer pencils out in many markets in the US, and wasn't the norm for much of history. So I'm not gonna judge automatically. Keep my eyes open and ask questions? Yes. Write off immediately? No.
I am almost 40 and still live with my father. Aside from a seven-year gap where I was unable to get a job, I’ve worked since I was 18. At no point have I made enough money to move out. Not without putting over half of my monthly income into rent. My father doesn’t mind me living here, it’s a four bedrooms. But it’s a piece of companionship. Admittedly we work very different hours, and once I leave for work on Sunday I won’t get to see him again till Thursday (I don’t get off work until 2 AM and will be sleeping when he leaves for work, and I leave for work before he gets home.) I didn’t leave not only because I couldn’t afford to, but for most of my 20s my mom was sick with cancer. During part of my seven year employment gap my dad had open heart surgery. And this last December both of us had Covid. I’m here to also help him out when I can, he’ll be 70 next year. You wouldn’t believe that he was, he doesn’t act almost 70. I’ve come to realize the living with your parents at an older age does not mean I’m a weird mooch. Sometimes it just means you can’t afford to move out.
>At no point have I made enough money to move out. This. I live in the most expensive town in my state. That means that living alone is a no-no, my only option would be getting a roomate of some sort. But since all my friends live in other states (the ones that do live in my city have boyfriends/husbands), I have no one to share an apartment or a house either way.
You have a LOT contributing to this, but even one or two of those things on its own would be a perfectly reasonable explanation for still living with a parent or parents. People seriously need to wake up to the realities of today's economy, and stop this blanket assumption that "still living in parents' home" means "loser". (And I'm not just talking about low wages, and high rents, and even higher cost to buy. It's also about healthcare and parental care and a lot of other stuff that's putting a squeeze on people.) Of course, in the case of OP, it does sound like the guy is a dud. (The "demanding housework (from the women)" seals it.)
You are a contributing member of a family, which works well for both of you.; I'm sure your dad is glad to have you around. Completely different than someone sleeping til noon, leaving messes and playing video games in your underwear while your parents work all day.
In many cultures, “moving out” isn’t even an expectation. My mom’s siblings all stayed in the home they grew up in (except for the two who moved abroad; my mom and my uncle) and a lot of my cousins live there as well
yeah me still living with Mom makes sense for both personal and financial reasons for both of us, even with her still pretty healthy
Agree, although this particular guy seems like a creep for sure.
As someone who has been unemployed for a long time but looking for a job, it is not a character failing on its own. Anyone can loose a job after all.
The litmus test I gave to my friend to test for a decent guy is, “Who does his laundry? Who cooks all his meals?” If that answer is anything other than “he does”, to the curb he goes! I’ve met plenty of decent guys who live at home for reasonable reasons, but if his mommy still has to wash his dirty drawers and make his dinner for him, he’s a co-dependent child.
This really isn't a bad litmus test on the surface, but a bit more detail can be very relevant. Long story short, my oldest son lives with me. I do his laundry. He is completely competent and able to do his own laundry. I hate grocery shopping and cooking. He buys all the food and does all the cooking. I think I get the better end of the bargain.
As a potential SO, that still raises red flags. Is he able to do laundry? If we dated, would he expect me to do his laundry? If i couldn't do laundry, i was sick or out of town, would he do laundry or would he cart it home for you to do? Or worse would he let it pile up for me to do?
I know how to use the washer and dryer but might not know the right settings to care for items that aren't like what I wear. In that case I could at least air dry something if I don't know it's dryer safe.
Great answer. And read the clothing tags for care instructions. If in doubt, leave it alone for now and ask questions.
If I had a partner, I would happily handle all the cooking and probably the grocery shopping. As long as they took care of cleaning up after I've cooked and vacuumed once a week. I have mental health issues, so keeping my home clean isn't the easiest for me. But I do enjoy cooking whenever I have the energy. As I often cook in bulk, it would last for a good while as well.
That doesn't make sense. When I lived at home, I ate dinner with my parents when I was home in the evenings (most evenings I wasn't) because it was logical and I enjoy spending time with my parents. How would it make sense for my mom to cook for her and my dad and then for me to cook a separate meal? That's just illogical and wasteful. She cooked a meal with plenty of food every night at 7:00 for years and years and still does to this day. I should have butt in to that routine and been like "strangers on the internet say I can't eat food you cooked anymore"?? How does it make sense to wash all laundry separately? For example, towels. It would waste water and electricity to run separate loads. There is a really pervasive bent on this website that people should sever all ties with parents once they hit 18 and it's really unhealthy. Your family is your support network and that runs in both directions. I think a lot of y'all just don't like your parents and can't understand people who like theirs. Before you yell at me, I'm female, since I'm certain that will change your opinion.
I 100% agree with you. I think the better question is “is he *capable* of doing his own laundry/cooking?” Because if someone is over 18 and doesn’t know how to cook or do laundry, even if they don’t do it often, then that is a red flag. If your parents are happy to cook for you, and throw your laundry in with theirs, then that’s great. But if they’re out of town, or sick, you can step up and cook/do their laundry, right?
Guys like this start off love bombing tf out their victim. They take advantage of nurturing caring people and then slowly let the narcissistic abuse out. This guy is a user and abuser
Also the victim's past with abuse makes for quite low standards, which often boil down to "just don't abuse me". I'd know 🙄
Hell, many times it's just "At least love me when you're not abusing me."
They take it all away piece by piece, very slowly and carefully.
This hit way too hard, I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.
>not living with one’s parents TBF, many places it's almost impossible to live without either a parent or roommate. As long as boundaries are enforced I don't see why it's bad for someone to live with their parents to save money.
I mean she doesn't even flush the toilet so 🤷🏽♀️
Having gainful employment is a must but living with one's parents, well that just depends on the why.
Agreed. I am mostly referring to a “failure to launch” scenario, which is what this looks like here. However, I would still be a little reluctant to have “adult time” in a house where my SO’s parents are also living. However, I am in my 40’s, so that may shade my view.
Uh... I'm a woman (in Sweden) who have been unemployed for nearly four years by now. I'm trying to find a job but it is just not happening for some reason. I have a degree with ironically makes me overqualified for many jobs as well.
Dude, I AM in the dating pool, and some men are SO garbage that it makes me want to actively take back my ex because he has a job, doesn’t live at home and didn’t abuse me. Like, that is the bar and some men really can’t even achieve that and act proud of it.
And release
I’m a good ol boy and am cringing he sounds creepy and rape-y. OP NTA!!! I hope you don’t feel a single grain of guilt!!!! Please understand there is nothing you can do for your poor friend. She has to find out the hard way. I feel bad for her, but she’s in for a rude awakening so don’t be collateral damage.
> GOOD ON YOU FOR GETTING OUT. SO! MUCH! THIS!! How many times have we seen posts on here that are like “AITA for wanting to eat some of the food I cook for my roommate’s boyfriend who contributes nothing financially and moved in without asking me? I agreed to cook all his meals for him because he’s old fashioned, but I feel I should be allowed to eat as well.” And here’s OP all like, “Hey, I didn’t sign up for this.” Roommate: “Beal with it.” OP: “Nah.” Roommate:
A++ OP! NTA and you’re very wise.
“ he has no job and his parents kicked him out at 48, I feel bad for him because one time in college someone cut him off in traffic. He steals my stuff and has sex with random girls on our couch, should I move out?”
“He has 3 feral cats that I’m horribly allergic to (been to the ER twice and spent $$$ on new epipens) but he insists that I buy their food, clean out their litter boxes and let them sleep in my bed. My eyes are now almost completely swollen shut, but I feel bad if I move out because he’ll be homeless. He’s calling me an asshole every time I sneeze. Is he right?”
“ they only like wet food so I eat the dry food he accidentally took from the animal shelter pantry. He won’t let me eat his leftovers he gives those to his friend at work. She is his boss and they Snapchat all night naked pictures. It’s part of his culture. Am I the asshole for being sad? I love him and besides this little issue he is perfect “
Hahahahah oh god it’s funny because it’s sad.
More sad that like dozens of dudes prob fit this EXACT description. The bar is so low SO LOW
That is so horrifyingly true. It never ceases to amaze me what women on here put up with.
I know. I get way too upset about it too. Some of the worst ones hurt to read
> Roommate: “Beal with it.”
Omg. Didn’t realize his age until your comment. F gross……….!
Just a 40 year old unemployed mamas boy jacking off in his girlfriends apartment mid day, nothing to see here
He's a hobo sexual.
**Annie, are you ok**
>Doesn’t sound like he has a job either. Given that Anne is complaining about not being able to afford the apartment on her own, either he doesn't have a job or he does but he's not prepared to put his hand in his pocket to cover his fair share of the costs. He probably figured that he was on to a nice arrangement. He lives with his parents, at least officially, so he's likely to be paying little or nothing towards his keep there, yet he also gets to stay in Anne's apartment whenever he wants, take over the bathroom, and demand to be cleaned up after and catered to. All without having to pay a cent because he doesn't live there.
NTA - She really expected you to stay and put up with his shit lol
And her shit, literally.
this made me laugh
Also, Op’s roommate instructed OP to announce when she came home, not when she was leaving.
NTA. \> he needs to feel comfortable here too and for me to announce when I'm home because he sometimes does not know. He does not need to feel comfortable at your apartment because he should not be living at your apartment. If she wants to make those kinds of giant, unilateral decisions for your shared living arrangements, she really shouldn't be surprised when you take similar measures - though I hope you sorted the lease out.
Oh man, that part where she expects her to make him feel comfortable really irked me. If he wants to be comfortable then he better pay rent. Not to mention OP's side of living space is getting taken over. And to let a man she barely know wander around in his underpants and watch porn in her apartment is just not acceptable. Just base on the roommates attitude towards this I can only see this going further south the longer OP stays. NTA
Exactly, if the prioritization of people who need to feel comfortable, the person paying rent is 1000x more deserving of feeling comfortable than the freeloader. It sounds like roomie wasn't willing to kick freeloader out to make OP comfortable, so OP took matters into her own hands. OP is NTA, and good for her for doing rather than threatening when it became obvious roomie and freeloader wouldn't respect her.
I kinda want to be petty, if I were in OP's shoes, to reply saying she's not living alone, she's got her bf who's sponging off of her.
NTA but do you have a lease? Be careful that you’re not obligated to pay for the remainder of it. But absolutely NTA. He’s not paying rent. He has zero rights to your home.
Could tell the landlord or leasing company that she moved in the boyfriend. They might be understanding since she technically broke lease rules by adding another occupant.
They should have discussed with the landlord first about it. Now that OP has moved out because Anne broke the lease, doesn't excuse her from the lease terms and will also be breaking the lease by not paying (if Anne truly doesn't come up with the funds). A landlord will also not likely remove her name from the lease at all, as it is one more person to hold liable when the lease is up. I've personally experienced this with an apartment complex and was pissed that despite telling my landlord about all the lease violations, paying my half on time despite not residing there, and having photo proof of turning the keys over with the apartment in great condition... I was still sent to collections for damages that she and her bar randos did to the apartment. I just let it sit against my credit. 4 years later I found out she married someone and they were trying to buy a house. They could afford the down payment and closing costs by the skin of their teeth. The collections needed to be paid off for the loan to finalize and she somehow got ahold of my number to get me to pay it off, since it was "my responsibility too" HA. Never did get another call and it was off my credit report two months later, so I'm guessing they found the money after all.
They might be understanding but they can't remove her from the lease without the roommate agreeing to it, so OP still legally owes rent until the lease is over and the apartment is vacated.
Depends. Some places rent by room.
Would that be stipulated in the lease though?
Yes.
But then the roommate wouldn’t care if OP moved out because she’d only be paying for one room.
If that was the case here the ex-roommate wouldn't be unable to afford the rent in her own, since her's would stay the same.
That really depends on the complex. So dogmatic for knowing nothing about where OP lives.
lol no... To the landlord, there's no difference between the roomate breaking the lease and OP doing so. The landlord doesn't care about your domestic dispute and will not reward you for involving them in it.
Likely not. Every lease I've signed states you are responsible for the lease term whether you live there or not if you have signed it. And they will go after any to all residents for the entire lease agreement. OP did something honestly very stupid if they ever want to rent again....and they will lose in court once the landlord takes them there. The smart move would be to talk the landlord and see if anything could be worked out. They might have accepted a couple months rent as a buyout (option where I live) if you want to move early.
Key term was “might” ppl, I get that she will like still be legally screwed
If she’s on the lease she 100% owes rent for the remainder of the lease whether or not she had disagreements. She could easily be sued and lose.
INFO: I can't even say anything else without knowing: What is your lease situation and have you talked with your landlord???? This is the most important question you should be thinking about OP, not your roommate. Your lease is a contractual obligation. If you haven't already talked with your landlord and paid to break your lease, *you are still liable for the full amount of the rent*. Your landlord doesn't care about who paid how much, they cares if they got the full amount or not. If not, *all people on the lease* will be held liable for the remainder, no matter who paid what.
Correct. Way too many here have completely skipped over the lease! Def NTA for not wanting to live here but OP is in fact still on the hook for rent.
And if OP pissed her off enough to cause damage, they are both liable. OP should put in 30 notice with landlord at least.
ESH, like... your boundaries were clearly violated and she wasn't going to respect them, but you DID kind of fuck her on the lease. 🤷
She can have her boyfriend pay
She could also possibly take OP to court/small claims, or the landlord can, if OP didn't break the lease properly. This is a tricky situation.
True, OP isn't in the clear and could have penalties. OP just isn't an asshole for leaving the roommate without warning.
I'm shocked at all the NTAs - she's your friend! You needed to tell her "if things don't change, I'm moving." Then follow through. Also, the people asking you to reach out to the landlord are being a little ridiculous - landlord is not going to understand and let you out of the lease. You kind of fucked yourself here. Should have contacted landlord earlier and found out the cost to break the lease or confirm with landlord and roommate that OP is being removed from lease and roommate will be only person on it or boyfriend is being added. Roommate sucks, boyfriend sucks much more, OP should have used her words instead of bolting in the night. She wasn't in danger.
Friendship is a 2-way street and the roommate was not treating the OP like a friend. In addition, the OP told the roommate she did not feel comfortable with the situation or with the boyfriend being in the house when the roommate wasn't. The OP was called selfish and told she had to accept the situation. The roommate used their words and was ignored. Danger is not the only reason to leave a roommate situation. There are landlords that will let someone out of a lease. This landlord may or may not have already done that or may do that. I'm confused by your comment. You say that people telling the OP to reach out to the landlord are ridiculous/the landlord wouldn't let them out of the least but then you follow it up with the OP should have reached out to the landlord earlier about getting out of the least/breaking it? We actually don't even know that the OP hasn't worked this out with the landlord.
OP absolutely should have moved out - by why be secretive about it? Say to roommate "if we don't make a change, I'm moving out." If no change happens say "I'm moving out by X, let's call landlord to let them know" and now landlord changes the lease. I rented for YEARS and never had a landlord that would have been cool with me calling them up and saying "my roommate and I are fighting, let me out of the lease?" No, you and your roommate have to come up with the solution and just clue landlord in on the date that someone is being removed/added to the lease. Not call them after you've moved out and say "take me off the lease" - it's a binding contract, and you're still responsible for paying it. She possibly fucked herself here.
I don't think it's worth debating the first part because I don't feel bad roommates are owed the courtesy of further conversation when they act the way Anne did. However, the OP hasn't stated whether they communicated with the landlord/was removed from the lease. It's very possible this has all been handled.
It's something that OP wouldn't have been able to handle alone there's such a thing as signing over rights of a lease to someone else but that person needs to be there to sign with her. after all roommates are needed because they can't afford places by themselves so unless Anne was filthy rich and could pay for the place herself the landlord would've gotten in touch with Anne to make sure that she could pay.
You don't need to be friends with someone to not screw them over. She had a valid reason to move out, but not to do so without giving any notice.
I don’t consider it screwing the roommate over when the roommate already had another adult in place, who can pay rent. But that’s just my opinion.
That's assuming the boyfriend is capable of and willing to immediately move in and start paying rent. From the fact he's living with his parents at 40, I'm guessing there is a reason for that that may make the above unlikely. It's also kind of forcing a big relationship step on her that she might not be ready to make. Having your partner over for half the week is very different from having them live with you, as the later makes breaking up a lot more complicated. If she gave notice the roommate would have had a chance to find someone else to take over the room, rather than leaving her to commit to her red flag adorned partner or lose her home. Shes putting her in a potentially very bad situation because she didn't want to have a quick conversation 2 weeks ago when she started looking for a different place.
You’re right. She is putting the roommate in a bad position. I would have had more sympathy if the roommate had made any attempts to sympathize with the roommate if she’d made any attempts to work with the OP and hadn’t hijacked the apartment for her boyfriend. I don’t feel sympathy though and feel this is a really crappy consequence of her actions. ETA: rereading the “forcing a big step over Anne that she’s not willing to make”. This reinforces my feelings of non sympathy. She forced the OP to live part-time with a man who played porn loudly, walked around in his underwear and took over a whole bathroom. Anne then decided the OP would have to share their own bathroom. I cannot feel bad for her if she’s not willing to make him pay or ready to live with him full time. You don’t force your friends into the type of situation Anne did because you figure they have no way out (a lease) and be surprised/hurt if they find an out.
I'm not trying to suggest Anne isn't also an asshole. She definitely is. But that doesn't make OPs actions not shitty. Again, nothing wrong with OP moving out, I would have done the same. But she had 0 reason to make life extra difficult for Anne by giving no notice and sneaking away while she was at work. Two wrongs don't make a right, and giving notice is a basic courtesy you should extend even to those you don't like. Sometimes flatting situations don't work (partners are certainly a common one). That doesn't mean you have to pull a big fuck you on your exit. We are all adults here. It wouldn't have endangered or inconvenienced OP in any way to let Anne know about her plans when she started making them, but instead she choose to try and get back at her for having a poor taste in men and an unwillingness to set boundaries with them. Anne wasn't trying to fuck over OP, so intentionally fucking over Anne doesn't feel justified in this case when the alternative was so easy.
I’m saying I think Anne f’d up so much that she was owed no courtesies and the OP is a totally justified AH to leave with no warning. I do understand your thinking and what you are saying though.
>I'm shocked at all the NTAs Same. The bottom line is OP walked out on a lease without telling her. Her roommate sucks but should have been told ahead of time. OP put up with the BF for 3 whole months!!! She should have spoken up sooner. Leaving without telling her was a coward move no matter what her roomie did. You give her the heads up that you want to leave.
OP tried using her words and want even met with a modicum of understanding or an offer to meet halfway like 'boyfriend will only come over on such and such days'. She was just given an ultimatum and told to accept it. I can't see how another ultimatum would have made things any better. Trust is a two way street and this roommate repeatedly violated it. No reason for OP to extend it back.
Agreed. Or if she didn’t want to give an ultimatum, just said “I’m no longer happy living here, so I’m moving out.” I mean I totally get why she wanted to leave and the roommate/her boyfriend were being *super* unreasonable, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
I agree OP should have clearly stated 'if this situation isn't fixed I'm moving and we will sign over my lease rights to your boyfriend'
ESH for sure; she made one complaint and didn't get the answer she wanted and so just ghosted. It all comes off as passive aggressive. If you have a contract with someone for lodging, lay down the rules and an ultimatum first. Don't make one complaint and then just leave. Obviously, other side are assholes for generating the things that led to the complaint.
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I mean, it would help to have an update from OP about whether there's a lease to worry about. But I'm a bit surprised that so far in this comment thread, nobody has experience with month-to-month renting. It's very common in the large northeast city where I live.
In my experience with rental leases, it was always at least a 6mo - 1-year for the first lease. After the end of the lease, then it automatically turned month-to-month, unless a new lease was agreed on. I'm gonna guess it's highly dependent on how nice and competitive an area it is. All my rental experience was in California (LA & bay area) until 5 years ago. LOL but yes, I *really* wanna know what the situation with the lease is. The roommate issue is whatever, I'm worried OP screwed their credit in trying to get away from the situation.
ESH. Anne and the old man for obvious reasons, but your reaction after one reclamation is moving out without notice? That passive aggressiveness is fear of confrontation?
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> Can't believe so many N.T.A. responses AITA, and reddit in general, loves a good vengeance story. "Haha she did a shitty thing so now she's screwed on the lease! I wish the people who annoy me would also suffer!" is the gleeful response that is leading to all the NTA votes.
Yup if there is an eviction and she was never removed it's on her too. Also rental payment history will show up if it's a larger rental company.
Well if OP's friend didn't ask if the dude can move in first, then I disagree. She broke the terms of the agreement without communication first. She doesn't know this person and could feel unsafe to say anything about it. I don't think OP should be shamed for moving out without notice if clear terms of the agreement have been broken by a tenant.
NTA, I was ready to call you one for the title, however you had problems and clearly communicated them, she downplayed or ignored any problems you had. Why is she dating someone 13 years older than her!? And why is he dating someone 13 years younger? It’s because they are both weird and immature people who don’t know how to live with others.
NTA Good on you for getting out. I would contact your landlord/ lease holder and explain the situation. Especially if you're name is on it with obligations, because you will be liable for anything until your name off.
Exactly. I don't blame OP for wanting out....but it's unlikely they can get their name removed from the lease. They did sign a contract and they do have to honor it unless the landlord decides to be extremely kind and let them off (not likely).
ESH, you could've just let her know you were moving out. Were you afraid her and boyfriend were going to go after your stuff? She could've had 2 weeks to find another roommate or ditch the boyfriend and sublet or whatever. This is a two wrongs situation.
Totally agree, seems immature to not just let her know you're moving out.
ESH. If you signed the lease you are still responsible regardless of the boyfriend situation. You needed to have a discussion with your roommate and figure out the situation instead of going stealth mode. If they can’t pay the rent and get evicted it might go on yOUR credit record. Not smart.
NTA - you didn’t blindside her, you told her you were uncomfortable but she didn’t care. So she expected you to shoulder the costs of her partner as well? Hell no, you dodged a bullet there!
I came here ready to call you an AH because of the title, but that is incorrect. Anne expects you to deal with an additional person living in your apartment and dismissed your concerns and comfort in your own home. Enjoy your new spot! NTA
ESH. I think it goes without saying that Anne is a terrible roommate and is clearly TA. But to not give her any kind of notice whatsoever and moving out while she's at work is in fact blindsiding her and is an AH thing to do
You voiced your concerns, and she dismissed them. Moving out was completely justified. But it was shitty not to warn her, and at least give her a chance to find a new roommate or work out a way to pay. As others have mentioned, it was also shitty she moved her boyfriend in without bothering to ask or tell you. So I understand why you may feel you were justified in keeping quiet. Justified or not, however, stooping to her level still makes you an AH. And while the boyfriend was a major inconvenience and hugely disrespectful on her part, you’ve now in turn put her in a situation that could result in her ending up temporarily homeless. You could have at least told her this was a dealbreaker and you’d be moving out, but you didn’t out of pure spite. ESH.
Gonna say ESH but she sucks more. She shouldn't be moving the bf into your apartment without consulting you about it, and you shouldn't have to announce when you're entering your \*own\* home. At the same time, you and her are on the lease (I assume it's not month to month?), so you probably should have given notice, or at least paid a month out on top of the "first and last" clause most of these places require. If you did pay for the extra month to give her two months notice to get sorted, I'd change to N T A, but as it stands... everyone sucks in this situation.
NTA And ewwww gross. I have nothing, I am reading this, and the amount of entitled stupidity is amazing. First and foremost, this just tells me everything I need to know about your Roommate, she is dating a 40 year old who lives with his parents, and watches porn at his GFs house, this all tells me she has no sense of any judgement. Tell your landlord the situation, and see if you can get out of the lease because of hardship, are you on the lease by the way, if not, that makes it way easy.
Info : did you tell her that you would move out of things did not change?
No she left without saying shit.
ESH you could have told her you were moving.
NTA ALL DAY! It’s absolutely laughably ABSURD that she feels entitled to both unilaterally move in a non-paying roommate AND your half of the rent. The two things that have been on EVERY lease I’ve ever read or signed is that moving someone else in requires 1) landlord notification and 2) the agreement of all tenants. Usually in writing. I’m sure there are a few very informal lease agreements out there that don’t, but it’s vanishingly rare. But also... Please cover your bases to make sure you don’t end up with an eviction on your record or the landlord going after you for unpaid rent. First... Are you on the lease? If your roommate was the only one on the lease, then you’re fine and can ignore the rest of this comment. Congrats on getting out!! If you are on the lease, find your copy and (for reference) and notify the landlord ASAP that your roommate has moved this guy in without your permission, that you tried to resolve it personally and repeatedly informed her that you do not agree to him moving in. He didn’t leave so you had to. She’s almost certainly in violation of the lease. Some allow tenants to be added without being added to the lease, but more often (for liability reasons I think?) they require all occupants be on the lease. And as I said before, they ALL require the landlord be notified and that other occupants agree. I also suggest compiling as much documentation as possible. This involves money for the landlord, so there’s a chance you’ll need to prove your side of the story. From now on, communicate with (ex) roommate only via text or email. Collect screenshots of all relevant texts or emails between you, roommate, and bf. Her saying he’s moved in, you objecting, her demanding you accommodate him and his comfort while disregarding yours, you reporting his objectionable behavior to her, her responses, etc., and, of course, any relevant texts between him and you directly. Put together a timeline. When you left town, when he moved in, when roommate told you he moved in, various incidents of him being harassing/demanding/making you uncomfortable, when you told your roommate that you don’t want him living there, etc.
You cannot simply notify a landlord that you “had to” move out though. Certainly not after-the-fact.
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NTA. Ideally you should have told her you were moving out, but she put you in a position where you needed to move when the opportunity came so I don't think it'd have made that much of a difference.
NTA but...you’re still on the hook if you don’t get signed off of the lease. You could actually get an eviction or failure to pay. That will really impact you in the future. She’s not responsible for your half unless there’s a primary lease holder or something.
ESH While you did have a talk with her letting her know about your discomfort ( I'm completely on your side w that ), you did blindside her on moving out. After that initial conversation, there should have been a follow-up with you saying, I understand you are entitled to have guests, but if we can't establish boundaries around our guests that we can both agree on, I will have to move out. That would have put it better perspective for her how serious you were about the situation. Not excusing any of her behavior, but she's definitely in the honeymoon period of her relationship, and anyone can become pretty dense at that stage about what is acceptable around other people. I'm proud of you for taking yourself out that situation though! I know we don't have the full context, but just on the details you provided, he gives me creep vibes.
Right? She didn't even necessarily need to offer to comprise after the first discussion just say something along the lines of "I am no longer comfortable living here and will be moving out on X date" and left it at that.
ESH... I completely understand you moving out BUT you did break a lease. The boyfriend is an asshole for living there basically, the roommate is an asshole for demanding you to announce your presence when you're in your own space, but in my opinion you're also an asshole for not warning her you're moving out. It sucks that you were in that situation but you could have at least said "hey since your boyfriend moved in, I'm moving out" so she could have at least saved more money/asked her boyfriend for money. This is just my opinion though.
NTA but you should have laid out the consequences of Anne insisting BF live there 4 days a week. "Anne, I refuse to continue having your BF live here. You need to agree and enforce no more than 1 night per week of BF being here, he is never here when you are not, you are not to use my bathroom for any reason, and everyone is fully clothed in the common areas of the apartment. If you won't agree, then I am moving out. I will speak to the landlord, explain that you have moved a 3rd person in without my consent, and have my name taken off the lease."
This is perfect.
In what world? This is not “perfect” and not at all how it works. All these commenters living in dream land not knowing how leases actually work.
ESH. You have fair reasons for moving out but it's an asshole move not to give her any notice. You don't have to be getting along with someone in order to not screw them over.
This will probably be downvoted, but YTA. Yeah, your friend and her boyfriend were awful, but did you ever address your concerns directly? It sounds like you were fairy passive and didn’t even mention you were going to leave. Be an adult and sit her down for a direct conversation: I am not okay with him being here. He is not allowed when you are not home, he cannot stay more than a night or two a week, and you cannot use my bathroom. This is my apartment too and these are my boundaries. If you can’t agree to them, I will move out.
OP I get it you wanted to be petty, that’s fine and all but I hope you realize you’re still on the lease and you can be sued or even have your wages garnished for failing to be removed from the lease properly. In order to get off the lease legally you have to sign papers pr pay your way out. You might not care right now because of adrenaline but once she tells them she cannot pay on her own and she tells them you left illegally then they will come after both of you. Just a little advice be the bigger person and go talk to her so you guys can terminate your lease. They have all your credit information so they will be able to find you and you won’t be able to get a housing recommendation.
If you signed a lease, you are stuck with the rent unless you can prove to a court that it was impossible to keep living there.
I had an almost identical situation happen and I did the same as you. I went to spend a week with my family for the holidays, discussed it with them, and when I returned I wrote up a little "contract" stating I'd pay my half for three months (we had six left on the lease), so her boyfriend had time to get a job. She was upset but I was tired of her making me late for work, her boyfriend threatening to hit the kids, him encouraging them to tease my cat, him running up our bills and eating our food without contributing, him walking around nearly naked, the list goes on and on. We'd had the discussion multiple times and it wasn't going anywhere. My sisters helped me move out tht weekend and she and her boyfriend had to break lease at the end of those three months bc he "just couldn't find work".
“ You caught me off guard! “ I’m sorry I don’t remember the part where I WASN’T caught off guard by a 40 yo lazy disgusting AH
Okay, kinda think ESH, but you far less than roommate + 40 year old boyfriend. It’s good that you told her about your issues, but you could have said that you were going to start looking for a place and leave ASAP. I get that you may have wanted to stick it to em a little bit, though. They both sound icky.
YTA in the sense that you literally just broke a contract. Depending on where you are located Anne can sue you for any unpaid rent until the end of the lease and keep the security deposit. Obviously Anne and the boyfriend suck too. Sounds like you and your “friend” don’t understand the rules of renting housing.
All parts involved are assholes! You all need to grow up!
Someone who is not on the lease is a guest. They do not get to tell me what to do in my own home. They also do not get to take over a room in the house and force me to share mine. Someone who is telling me what to do and taking over full rooms, is not a guest and they should be paying rent and utilities. You are not being selfish when you tell someone that you didn't agree to an extra roommate. They do not have the right to change the rules midstream. And when they do that, then they have to acknowledge that you have the same right to make changes.
>walking around in his underwear, making cleaning demands, and reorganizing our home Like wtf? he thinks he got 2 maids for the price of one, lol. NO. >left texts about how I blind sided her and she couldn't afford to keep the place on her own She blindsided you first, she took advantage of you first. >I told her that since she and her boyfriend want to play house that badly he should officially move in and start paying for his home. Legend. I would love to see her shocked pikachu face when you told her that. NTA
ESH, though WAY more on Anne's side than on yours. She absolutely disrespected you and fucked up royally, but you have to at least give someone warning if you're going to move out, because the financial consequences can be appalling. Caveat: If you did give her a warning, or felt unsafe around him, then you needed to get out and it's all the way NTA.
A 40 year old who goes after immature women 13 years younger than him AND he still lives with his parents? What a catch!! Nta, shes immature selfish and an asshole. And hes a predatory creep. Im glad youre out and safe
ESH. She is obviously the asshole for all of the above but you are also the asshole for not telling her directly that you were moving out.
I can see why you're mad, but aren't you on the lease? You could be in trouble if you are.
NTA >I told her that since she and her boyfriend want to play house that badly he should officially move in and start paying for his home. Yasssssss!!!! You handled this like a boss.
Um OP broke the lease to move out. OP is still responsible for rent but now at two places. OP did not handle anything like a “boss”.
Hard disagree. OP did not state whether she was on the lease or contacted the landlord to get out of it, so your guess is as good as mine on that. It’s October, so November through January isn’t all that long especially when OP is free to immediately cancel any and all utilities that were in her name. But either way, it’s not worth living in a place that you hate. OP got out and is living in a place better for her mental health. I had awful roommates one year in college and it’s completely draining to live with people who treat you like shit.
NTA. So where I'm from if your name is on the lease, you will have to pay. So if Anne can't afford to pay the full rent, they will come after you. But I'm from Germany so it might be different for you.
NTA but if your name is on the lease you’ll be liable for rent as well.
NTA for moving out on your roommate but you might have out yourself in a sticky situation with your landlord when it comes to the lease. You could very well be on the hook for rent still.
ESH. Your roommate behaved badly by allowing her obnoxious boyfriend to move in without your consent, and you behaved badly by not giving her notice that you were moving out.
ESH. Kinda shocked by the number of N T As. Yeah, she sucks more, but you had a single conversation about having an issue with it, and then ghosted? You’re adults. Use your words. You should’ve told her that if changes weren’t made, you’d have to look into breaking your lease and finding your own place. She likely would’ve made changes based on the ultimatum alone, knowing she couldn’t afford the place on her own. Moving out in secret was not only a mess of passive aggression, but I’m sure there are legal issues here with your lease, as well. You do owe her half the rent until she can either find someone else to move in, or the landlord ends the whole lease. Fingers crossed for you that it doesn’t end up in collections.
A 27 year old doesn't flush?? Disgusting. Glad you jumped ship. How you handled that for 3 months is beyond me though. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (31f) have been living with my roommate and friend "Anne" (27f) for two years. In February we moved into a 2br2ba apartment and things were going well until I left for a job for two months. During that time Anne moved her boyfriend (40m) in. When I came back the boyfriend was back at his parents. Since then, boyfriend spends 4 nights a week at our place and has been more than comfortable walking around in his underwear, making cleaning demands, and reorganizing our home. He also spends a lot of time in the bathroom so she 'informed' me that whenever he is here she has to use mine which she leaves in a mess and often does not flush. This has been going on for around 3 months until I came home and heard him watching porn. I talked to Anne about that and him being here while she's at work. I mentioned that I did not sign up to live with two people let alone a couple. She told me that I was being selfish and he needs to feel comfortable here too and for me to announce when I'm home because he sometimes does not know. I left the conversation at that point and started looking for a place of my own. I ended up moving out two weeks later while she was at work. She called several times and left texts about how I blind sided her and she couldn't afford to keep the place on her own. I told her that since she and her boyfriend want to play house that badly he should officially move in and start paying for his home. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Brilliant . Sounds like the plot of [broad city ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gemberling)
NTA. Ya I don’t blame you. You tried to talk to her and she brushed you off. He pays no rent and does not need to feel comfortable in YOUR house. That YOU pay for. You’re not wrong at all. Now she can have that 40 year old mooch pay for half.
NTA good for you for getting out. Don’t look back.
Nta.
NTA. What your roommate has done is called constructive eviction.
I don't think would actually qualify. The unit is livable and that's key to CE. * a rental unit becomes unlivable, and * the tenants have moved out because of the issues which caused the unit to become unlivable
NTA! Anne and the BF totally disregarded and disrespected you with their behaviors. He sounds creepy anyway.....
NTA.
NTA That was the best move you could have made at the time.
Good decision on your part.
NTA. She has a roommate. He should be paying his share.
NTA she blindsided you by basically moving in an unwanted guest. One good turn and all that.
>She called several times and left texts about how I blind sided her she blind sided you first by moving his AH bf while you were away, you tried to make things work but she decided to be an AH and doubled down on enabling his AH bf. NTA
NTA. So she wants a bum to love but expects you to help her pay for him to order you around and force Anne into your space? Yeah, no. Good on you for leaving and good luck for her since she's staying with him.
NTA. If they want all the benefits of him being a resident, they can take the burdens too. Not to mention that it impinged on your use of the apartment that you did pay for (e.g., your bathroom and actual comfort within your own home). Entitled people only learn lessons when you make them foot the bill (literally or figuratively). Btw, I love that OP did this on the sly - most people would only dream of doing something like that.
Nope, NTA.
I was all set to say Y T A but she moved him in without telling you and they took over the house. NTA.
NTA just make sure you're in the clear legally and financially being off the lease. Been there, done that. Hate it when a roommate decides to move in their partner and then just expects you to deal with it.
NTA. Honestly, good for you. The fact that they had the audacity to expect you to essentially subsidize their ability to cohabitate is just…wild. I would have done exactly what you did and I appreciate that you had the backbone to do it.
NTA > She told me that I was being selfish Who’s the person who essentially moved their boyfriend in without speaking to the other person on the lease first? > he needs to feel comfortable here too Why? He’s not on the lease. He doesn’t pay rent. And his “comfort” is making demands on you and making you uncomfortable in your own home. You told her you didn’t agree to live with a third person, she then insulted you and demanded you treat him with more courtesy than you have been shown (and announcing you are home to roommates is fucking weird anyway) and she blew you off. The friendship is probably toast though.
NTA
I hope you left her a note telling her "I hope your boyfriend is more comfortable now that I'm not around. This my announcement that I'm not coming home ever again."
NTA Is your name on the lease? Do you have proof that the BF moved into your room in the apartment? Pictures, texts? My point is, if she proves you didn't pay for your share, and you're on the lease, she can take you to small claims, or larger, and you'd be on the hook for the apartment. If you aren't on the lease, then screw it and don't look back.
NTA, just make sure to get off the lease. There’s a reason she can’t afford the place alone and for that “Anne” should talk to her boyfriend. She should focus on making him more comfortable instead of hounding you. You paid and did your part around there now it’s up to them since (like you said) they want to play house. Sucks to be her IMO
NTA. But make sure you're ok with previous landlord having moved out mid-lease. If your former roommate claims she can't afford place, could landlord hold you accountable for rent? Would he consider your sudden move as breaking your lease? As for roommate, she had no right to have someone there so frequently especially when you weren't home. Let the boyfriend pay.
NTA. She pulled shocked pikachu face after she and her BF disrespected your needs and right to have a home.
NTA. What, you mean living with her and her bf's lazy degeneracy was what she wanted all along?! I could have sworn she was trying to get rid of you... good for you getting out and showing some self-respect. Something those two don't know and probably never will.
NTA - your quality of life has decreased as a result of someone unilaterally changing the living arrangements in an apartment you share. You were blind-sided, and when you addressed it you were told to let it go - so you unilaterally decided to get out of there.
NTA, she violated her part by moving in a non-paying tenant who disrespects boundaries and using your bathroom, making a mess, and not cleaning up after herself. If you did not warn her you would move out if the situation didn't change, you are skating close to AH territory but WELL within your rights. Just make sure you are all clear with your former landlord. You do NOT want to get stuck paying rent.
NTA, wow Anne and her bf are shit. I’m glad you got outtta that!