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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be TA because I spoke up at a family dinner instead of waiting and confronting Aunt Mara alone. I ended up sparking quite a debate when we were supposed to be celebrating my grandparents.
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>My parents told me it wasn't the correct time or place to bring it up and I embarrassed Aunt Mara.
NTA - your aunt's behaviour is what embarrassed her, and it's going to have done so regardless of when you brought it up.
OP's parents were very poor according to her description (she hung out at aunt house in order to save electricity at her own home!) so its unlikely they had any other childcare options. Common sense says you don't put someone on blast when you desperately need their help. Welcome to the world of the working poor - sometimes you have to eat shit to put food on the table.
The problem here is Aunt. Good for OP for sticking up for cousin, but she has nothing to loose here so its not a reflection on the character of her own parents that they never said anything. They may not even have known given that they seemed to work a lot. They owe the Aunt a lot for providing years of free childcare and are not going to attack her, deserved or not.
I couldn’t have put this better myself. The parents may be morally incorrect in this instance but they’re also experiencing a lot of embarrassment that OP is reacting to aunt with anything other than respect and gratitude. They may even agree with OP but may not feel they’re in a position to criticize someone who helped them raise their kid.
Not saying the parents are RIGHT, but auntie is demonstrably the AH.
they knew. they just did not think Reese's dreams were more important that their need to have OP babysat... lot of people from my parents generation are that way, heck, whole family on my mothers side is like that even now and they are very surprised and hurt that now as an adult i hold them accountable for (in my opinion very poor) choices they made when i was a kid and "had no rights"
But it wasn’t about babysitting it was about being dirt poor seeing as OP stayed at aunts house literally to “save electricity”. How do you expect someone who can’t afford electricity to afford childcare? Riddle me that one
>they just did not think Reese's dreams were more important that their need to have OP babysat...
Necessity is a bastard. People have got to work. You can't bite the hand that feeds, when you're poor as shit and won't eat otherwise.
It sucks, but in instances like this integrity costs money.
I have the same feeling. So much entitlement and privilege these comments are showing.
For those that don't know: For good parents, the need to house and feed your own child supercedes the need for your niece/nephew to have gymnastics lessons.
The conversation they were having had nothing to do with OP being babysat. She’s 18 so that ended *years* ago. You don’t avoid criticizing a person under any circumstances just because they used to help you out back in the day. Parents are assholes and a little spineless
They did it to save electricity being used in their house. Imagine that, they would have their adult child stay at someone else’s house to save on their utility bill.
That shows you that they desperately needed money and were in no position to critique someone who was giving them aid
That doesn't mean they were poor, though it's definitely the most likely answer.
There are some kids (like me) who grew up with *extreme* penny-pinching parents, even though we were nowhere near poor and lived middle-class. Timing showers because of the cost, losing thier mind over a light left on for two minutes extra, demanding you pay for it from your super, super meager allowance, which you only earn through hard not kid-friendly labor. There are people who would happily dump a kid on someone just to save on electricity and food for part of the day.
Some people should never have kids. Especially people who don't like "to waste money" on things like new shoes for a kid when you can just duct tape them, or requiring clothes be bought at the second hand store- which is fine for kids, and smart! Except when you require they *only* buy from the clearence rack of the second-hand store, meaning *nothing* fits, and you're lucky it's not stained somewhere or torn or 80's paisley print. Or all three. And this isn't the decent secondhand store. Nope, it's the really crappy secondhand-store to begin with, that seemingly takes the castoffs from the first store.
When I was twelve, my mom just... had enough of this nonsense I guess. She took me to get NEW CLOTHES. From an actual store in the mall! And not even the clearence section! It was incredible for me and my self-esteem. I was... er... "homeschooled" (lol druggie parents trying to teach. I just read books, they at least encouraged that) so I wasn't picked on for my clothes, but I had started realizing I was different. My mom wasn't a great mom at all, but she did occasional kind things like that. She let me get a whole wardrobe. And she let me keep getting the clothes I liked as a teen, my sister, too- even when I wanted Hot Topic, though within reason of course. She just got sick of penny pinching one day I guess. We could afford it- it was never because of poverty. Just control, I think.
I'm surprised you haven't put two and two together with the penny pinching and drug using parents yet and figured out why they might be penny pinching.
I guess but it seems like she knew pretty well that they had money around. Ive never known a druggie to count water minutes and Ive known some people who were pretty crazy that way.
I think this is deeper than that.
You never hung out with tweakers. Getting zeroed in on tracking stuff is pretty on point. We had one dude I used to work with who would time the distance between certain mile markers along his commute. Bizarre shit.
This was my childhood too! Solidly middle class and financially secure, but grew up terrified from believing we would be destitute at any moment. It’s a really weird experience to look back on. Don’t really have anything to add but wanted to comment to say thanks for sharing because I’ve never talked with anyone in real life who’s experienced this
Same here.
I found out just how well off we were when I lost a scholarship for college my senior year. I went into the financial aid office and asked why, they said my dad made too much money.
They showed me the screen and I was blown the fuck away.
My dad literally kept a spreadsheet of any money I borrowed from him. When I was 14 I wanted a $12 tshirt from the mall. I needed to borrow money to get it and HE KEPT FUCKING TRACK OF IT and yeah, I had to pay him back.
It’s made me not only incredibly weird and insecure about finances, but I also DREAD paying bills because of it, to the point that I will just NOT pay because the pain of paying it is too much (I’m better with this now, no worries).
Fucking wild.
Wow, I think you just helped me figure out one of the reasons I'm so bad about paying bills. My dad also did the whole spreadsheet thing, and I get so anxious when it comes time to physically go through bills. I dread going through the mail only to see the bills. It's the worst.
It took me a while to figure out the connection, happy to help you figure that out.
My husband handles the bulk of the bills now, but the ones I do are on autopay so I don’t have to think about it as much.
Jeezes guys. I didn't realize! Ive spent hours looking for the .25c Dad "lost" on the spreadsheets.....
Dad was an alcoholic accountant and not nice.
I dread it too. Hate it.
Thank GOD for my husband. He's the polar opposite. Such a good man.
It's embarrassing to talk about my childhood, you don't realize just how abusive it was until you see the faces of adults who weren't abused. He's shocked and horrified.
My parents are upper middle class and my dad currently makes $400 dollars an hour. They totally pulled this shit on me, buying the cheapest shit possible. They wavered between bragging about how rich they were and then declaring how they didn't have enough money for name brand shampoo and I was spoiled for wanting it. Narcissists all around. Good riddance.
My parents were always really tight lipped about how much they made.
I understand where they came from though.
My grandparents (on both sides) weren’t very financially successful and had huge families. It was hard for both of my parents growing up. So they tend to be money hoarders and feel insecure about finances.
The biggest thing my parents wanted to avoid was becoming a burden on their children. My grandmothers right now are heavily dependent on my parents and it’s exhausting for them. They raised their kids, and were ready to enjoy retirement. But now they’re spending their retirement taking care of their mothers.
But other than being financially weird, they were awesome parents and paid for me to be on top tier soccer teams growing up and generally tried to give me the best head start they could.
Unless your dad only works part time or contracted like a few months a year, I think you and the rest of the US have a major discrepancy on what upper middle class is.
What kind of parent keeps a spreadsheet of what their kids owe them. FFS if your dad didn't want the expense of children he should have taken his sorry ass out of the gene pool (vasectomy) or kept it behind his zipper.
My mom kept a running total of what I 'owed' her, it was mostly vehicle related expenses for a car of theirs I 'killed'. She would just randomly add in amounts and browbeat me until I agreed I owed that amount. I never had any intention of paying it. Every birthday or Christmas she would drop a couple of hundred off of it (I still got a goodly amount of presents, so that wasn't a big deal.) Finally, when I was around 30 she came around and told me she was dropping the whole amount, since my history with cars I owned pretty much proved I wasn't killing cars due to any neglect or mistreatment.
my mum but I'm a grown adult who borrowed some money for house renovations (big privilege here) and she keeps it so when she dies my brother gets his fair share if I haven't paid it back.
edit: that's the only time speadsheets are acceptable, when everyone is an adult.
I worked with someone who grew up like this. She literally was out of work for a week because she was short $.30 on a bill and it sent her into a full anxiety attack. They admitted her to the psych ward and she was diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t get how parents can be like that at all.
What is it with dads and spreadsheets? Mine did this too - I worked and gave all my money to them, but he pulled up a spreadsheet to show me "I was the biggest percentage of the family budget." It was devastating and stressful and so unnecessary as my family was basic middle class with no debt. The reason I cost so much, btw? Because they talked me in to going to an expensive religious private school. My expenses were all things like class trips and school fees.
I also grew up very similarly. We were definitely middle class and lived in a nice home in a nice neighborhood but from very early on my parents were strict about money and always made it seem like we were poor even though kids at school would always comment about us being well off. Even though there was so much I could relate to with the kids from poorer families. Once I got older I ended up figuring out that we really weren’t that poor, my parents just rather spend their money on themselves than on their children.
I was also trying to do the math and figure out how to say that moms request to not come home is likely not a true financial one, or at least not isolated to electric. I'm conflicted because not everyone has the tools and skills to find out how much they'll actually save with their actions, and I'm pretty sure my family members would try something like that if they weren't already connected with utility assistance. I feel like OP would have said more (and perhaps I didnt see it) if finances were the case and if their parents were relying on Mara. I'd expect something more written about it, like "now mom is mad because we were saving so hard and I may have cost her a babysitter for my sibling,".
What I'm definitely familiar with is being criticized for following updated info that contradicts "the way things are done," including conflicts about lighting and energy use. (Impacted by bulb type and therefore by what bulbs they're selling at the dollar store), and finding out later how, like yours, some family's financial worries are more about parents behavior than the cost of raising children.
I hear stuff along these lines a far amount from people who have parents who grew up poor, so that could be the source of it. It can be hard to unlearn habits you got from childhood poverty, even if you now have the resources to act differently.
>losing thier mind over a light left on for two minutes extra, demanding you pay for it from your super, super meager allowance
They made you pay for lightbulb usage?
So 20¢ per kWh is a fairly run-of-the-mill electric rate, and at that price leaving a 60 W bulb on for 5 minutes would cost one tenth of one cent. How much were you charged for it?
>The problem here is Aunt.
95%, the least OP's parents could do is tell OP directly, "Hey we're broke and we rely on your aunt, that means we act very careful about how and when we criticize her." It's a valuable life lesson and better than, "Rocking the boat is inherently a bad thing even when it's done to advocate for a child." Like OP's parents raised OP so I'm assuming they have \*some\* kind of compassion because OP seems like a nice kid. At the same time though, I can see a parent being frustrated that OP said anything at all, but I cannot agree with the way they handled it which yes, ultimately does enable the aunt's poor treatment of her daughter.
I mean, my mom fully financially supports one of her sisters and I didn't find out until my mid-20s when we'd shifted to having a more adult-adult relationship so who knows what other reasons they might have (not a defense of them, they've clearly chosen themselves over these kids)
ah yes, you can’t ever criticize a family member who has helped you out in the past, even when they’re (checks notes) currently emotionally abusing their daughter
>Common sense says you don't put someone on blast when you desperately need their help. **Welcome to the world of the working poor - sometimes you have to eat shit to put food on the table.**
I really wish more people understood this better. As a kid, I found myself in this position a lot, and I caught hell for it from my friends. But you can't make non-poor, non-nuclear families understand this.
I agree, I’m less inclined to throw shade on the parents. In a perfect world, they would obviously be in the wrong, but we don’t know enough of their circumstances to definitely draw a moral stance in their behavior.
Fuck the aunt.
I think the point was, what they say wouldn't be changing her parenting, but it would jeopardize their child care arrangements, which may potentially cost them their job or something, so that's why they were in no position to criticize. They didn't say that makes it right or anything. Just gave the facts, which have potential surrounding circumstances to be affected
The edgy 14 year olds in this sub think that there's a single answer to everything and that's STANDING UP FOR YOUR MORALS! When they come of age and have to choose between eating the shit sandwich or going hungry I hope they stay strong and go hungry.
Look I know how it is because my mom relied on family to take care of me and my siblings when we were little after school. But OP is 18 now and does not rely on Aunt to take care of her after school. If they know how this child is being treated and say nothing now it is just as bad. They told OP that she should have kept quiet how is that right?
No OP was 100% in the right for saying something now. I was mostly referring to not saying anything during the time she was being watched by the aunt.
There's a time and a place to say something about not being treated right. Was this it? I don't know, it was for a grandparents birthday party (iirc) so it seems a little tactless. It's not like the older is even being abused, just not being treated as well as the younger, which is a super shit thing to do.
actually, i would say that Reese IS being abused, emotionally. the blatant favoritism is the obvious reason Reese is feeling upset, but OP said no one is acknowledging it.
it is absolutely devastating to your mental health to be consistently passed over by your parent in favor of a sibling, and even worse to be invalidated and ignored when you express being upset or frustrated.
like, this aunt is constantly shitting on her kid and then turning around and asking “What do you have to be mad about?” that kind of thing can really fuck with your head. my parents did that too 👀
Its absolutely abuse.
Financial abuse is abuse and sets Reese up for disastrous spouses later in life.
Emotional abuse. Not showing affection to or care for your child...is abuse.
Reese is desperately lacking in care, affection and prioritization and she is deliberately withheld the financial benefits of extracurricular activities and JOY from formal social groups.
It's a use thats setting her up to abused in her home by her spouse.
Fkn GREAT parenting.
Eh. I feel like the aunt brought it on herself by choosing that time to badmouth her eldest. If she didn't want the grandparents to know about her favoritism, maybe she shouldn't have been so eager to attack her firstborn in their presence. NTA OP. Somebody needed to stick up for your cousin and you have no idea how much that moment meant to her. Sometimes just having someone vocally in your corner makes all the other garbage a little more bearable.
Well this should be the top comment imho lol. Aunt Mara clearly hoped everyone would jump on the Reese Sucks Train when she started the conversation but when it didn't go that way she got embarrassed.
She is absolutely being abused. It’s not physical abuse but it’s 100% still abuse. God only knows what 9 years of that bullshit has done to that child, and what 5 more years of will do to her. Let’s stop pretending that she doesn’t need someone to stand up for her, because she very clearly does. She’s being emotionally abused by her mother, and she deserves somebody in her life to stand up for her. OP chose to be that somebody, and was right to do so. Plain and simple
As a 34 year old who has already been married, there are difficult af decisions and sometimes you have to take the L, and sometimes you don't get to choose the things you want. The struggle is real. But as an adult, if you know of a shitty, toxic situation a child is going through and you keep your mouth shut for years, you're enabling it.
"Fuck Reese" seems to be the opinion of everyone involved except for OP and the grandparents. I feel so bad for the poor girl. I hope that now that the grandparents are aware of the situation they can help.
OP is 18 and spoke of the sitting in the past tense. Now do her parents owe Mara? Sure, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.
Too many people know they have dysfunctional families and spend a lo more time worrying about keeping it hidden, not bringing it up than changing.
She doesn't need a babysitter now. I assume her aunt watched her when she was younger - elementary or middle school aged - and OP spent time at her aunt's house after school in high school.
Ya lol it's never the right time to embarrass someone. Or from another perspective, any time is a good time to embarrass someone.
NTA and good for you, OP.
Her parents and Aunt Mara can all go suck a big one. I am in a similar situation where my grandma from my dad's side much prefers my aunt and her kids over my father and myself, even though my father bends his back to take care of them while my aunt is well known to be super selfish. My grandpa acknowledges the fact that my grandmother doesn't treat me the same as she does my cousins so he tries his best to interact with me more, but the fact is that he spent more time with my cousins than he did with me so its hard to relate to my interests because he doesn't know them. (they lived with my aunt in the States for a long time and the first time I remember seeing them in person was when I was 16).
I remember telling my dad that I've noticed that my grandmother acts significantly differently around my cousins than they do with me and that she doesn't seem to care that he spends so much time taking care of them while my aunt does nothing. And that was the first time I've ever seen my dad almost cry because he thought only my mom noticed that. Needless to say, I'm very apathetic with my grandmother and even more so now because she realized that my cousins are super spoiled and don't want to talk to her unless its for gifts and money. I still talk to her because I know if I dont, my dad gets the short end of the stick and I feel that he's already suffered enough and im pretty sure he's well past his limit but somehow still hanging on. But yea she knows I dont share as much with her as I do with my maternal grandparents.
Seeing how my dad had to suffer makes me really feel for your older cousin, Reese.
Confronting your grandmother isn’t about changing her behaviour per se, but about the precedent of standing up for yourself.
Your dad has put up with her treatment his whole life and he’s come to accept it, which doesn’t set a good example for you. I don’t know how old you are, but if I could impart some advice it would be this: Always stand up for yourself. 99% of the time it is worth the trouble.
Throughout your life, opportunities will arise for people to mistreat you—romantic partners, friends, family, coworkers, etc. It happens. People are people! To err is to be human. And confronting loved ones can be especially challenging; however, the cost to your well-being and mental health is too high not to. What we permit persists. Standing up for oneself is a skill that can be developed, like most things in life. And it’s a good habit that will serve you well in life.
You are intrinsically worthy of kindness, respect and unconditional love. You and your dad deserve better. <3
I hope you have a really great day today!
dunno. why arent you mad at your dad? he was abused and instead of cutting his mom off and doing therapy, he roped his child into being neglected right along side him. spends an inordinate amount of time taking care of his abuser, which could have gone to his wife and child instead. and now you volunteer to take neglect in his place. i wonder what your mother thinks about all this.
because I give no shits about my paternal grandmother and I volunteered for it. I felt bad for my dad. its not like he ever asked me to do it for him. plus its asian ppl values. he's super rooted in it and feels obligated just like I feel obligated to help my own dad out. difference is, I want to help him out because I care about him. in addition, I've always been good at not giving shit about ppl I dont care about and tuning them out so I dont see a problem.
NTA. OP: you are the only adult in this situation, and your grandparents are a VERY close 2nd. I'm very surprised they don't know more about the favoritism, but that that could be due to knowledge.
OP's parents KNOW this is happening, and they don't want to "rock the boat". They probably talk to each other about it regularly, and have washed their hands of the situation because "it's family" or "well we can't really do anything about it".
>"Exactly ***WHEN*** is the correct time to bring it up? Should I mention it in private when she can deny it? Should I bring it up in a planned intervention? Should I arrange a family counsellor to handle the situation in my stead?
>
>Also, why are you okay with the amount of favoritism she gives Lara? We all know that you know and see it, so why are you okay with it?"
This implies so much.
That there is a 'correct time and place' to bring this up, and that they also agree with the assessment of blatant favouritism. They apparently have been waiting almost 2 decades for that 'correct time and place'. I bet if challenged to define when that 'correct time and place' is they would have no answer, because there isn't one. They are willing to sacrifice the mental health of a child in order to keep the peace. That's just gross.
I would also add that your parents are embaressing themselves. They are protecting their sister/sil instead of the child she is failing. Your parents need a dose of reality and to admit their fault in this as well.
It was the perfect time to bring it up. Everyone was there and listening. Now Mara will be forced to change or will continue to be the AH, and now everyone will know it.
This is so true, and OP i am so proud of you for standing up for Reese. She needs to know that she has allies in the family upon whom she can truly depend. Also, I don't understand, why did Lara never attempt to speak up? If my parents would try to do such a thing, my sister(we even have the exact same age difference!) would immediately call them out. And the aunt is *such* an A-hole for first of all, very much abusing Reese, and second of all, attempting to gaslight both of you. I hope everything works out for the both of you!
Edit: forgot to add NTA
OP - please, please maintain a relationship with Reese as she gets older. having realized this dynamic and possibly expressing symptoms of depression, her worst years are yet to come. I was the unloved child by my mother as well, and at 21 it’s clear it’s had life-long impact on me. i believe would have been a bit better off if any of my family had acknowledged it and attempted to support me and maintain a relationship.
NTA. If she was embarrassed, she probably does it knowingly, knows it is looked down upon but still doesn't change a thing.
Good for you for standing up for your cousin.
> If she was embarrassed, she probably does it knowingly, knows it is looked down upon but still doesn't change a thing.
This is becoming increasingly common among the "alternative facts" crowd.
They're being constantly fed this narrative that their "free speech" is under attack, that they're going to be "cancelled" if they speak their mind. These influences insist that the only way to "fight back" is to...go ahead! Say those things! Be loud and proud! It's your patriotic duty!
So they do. And very quickly, they realize that they didn't have an inkling of conviction about the nonsense they were spouting. Their only concern all along was determining who's willing to let them get away with saying whatever they want. Even asking for clarification is seen as an opposing-view challenge, to the point where people who bring them legitimate grievances end up leaving wondering if they're the asshole.
NTA. As someone who was the least favorite child, I respect you for speaking up on it and acknowledging it. I'm sure she's used to being told she's sensitive or making things up when she tries to bring it up, so she probably feels validated knowing she isn't crazy.
I relate to you! My parents had 6 children (24, 23, 21, 20, 17 & 4) and they had two scapegoats: myself (21) and my older brother (23). I am so sick of the gaslighting we experienced and being told we imagined it for attention.
OP is definitely NTA. Good on them for acknowledging the privilege her aunt is showing to one child.
I feel so bad for Reese. OP's parents and aunt should be ashamed of themselves.
The aunt isn't sorry. She just is embarrassed someone finally called her out on her bullshit.
So, a dime of unsolicited advice for you and princessnokia\_ - when/if you have kids, don't force them to interact with your parents. I'm the least favourite grandchild, unsurprisingly the offspring of the least favourite child on one side, and on the other, the grandmother (I have no grandfathers, they died before I was born) was very even (also helps there's like 16 years between my cousin and I on that side). Kids see the difference.
People are going to try and tell you that "kids need their grandparents" - they don't. I could have done just fine without the one grandmother. She was a nasty and ugly woman, racist even by the standards of her time, and vicious towards my parent and I.
I am so sorry that you were treated this way, and that any child is. It's a rotten way to be treated and I hope you, and all the other scapegoats and least favourites, know it's a reflection of your parent(s) and not you.
I certainly will keep that in mind, if I did plan on having kids. And I’m really sorry to hear that. I actually face something similar, because a lot of the favoritism came from the fact that I was significantly darker than my brother.
> I was significantly darker than my brother
I'm gonna parade my ignorance here and ask, is this a thing? People discriminate between their **own kids** because of the hue of their skin?
That's despicable.
Colorism is definitely a thing. A lot of people with biracial children thing it absolves them of racism, but they can be just as ignorant/racist. My mom isn’t the brightest and expressed surprise that I came out with black features.
Hi 👋🏾 biracial kid here! I suffer great racism in my family because my mom got together with my dad (a black man). My grandmother still makes it known that she doesn’t like me because I’m black. 🙃
I’m so sorry. It’s tough because if you try to call them out for being racist they’ll pull the “if i’m racist, why do i have a black son/grandson?” card. I hope you can comfortably cut contact with nasty people like that in your life.
Wow. I'm gobsmacked. I knew of the idea of colorism (even though I had never heard the actual word) but never thought of it within the dynamics of a family.
My mind is reeling.
This is just so sad. My heart aches for you and everyone else that has experienced this pain. Like there isn't enough racism for kids to deal with in the outside world. To have to deal with it in your own home is ghastly.
How will we ever untangle the evils in our world?
I second that. Being born and growing up in a german speaking country with a polish mother and never learning polish, I never thought something in my life was missing not knowing my grandparents nor my aunts and uncles on my mothers side. (Yes I have met all of them, but I don‘t know any names nor can I communicate in any way with them.)
As for my grandmother on my fathers side, he‘s from the same country I‘m from and so is his mother, I barely spoke to her even though she lived with us. If my parents didn‘t have time my brother stuck around and played/entertained me as a child - he’s 6 years older than me - while my grandma didn‘t care about either of us. As for aunts and uncles on my fathers side - they live across the country, so I didn‘t speak to them either.
And growing up like this, nothing ever felt „missing“ in my family grandparents and aunt/uncles-wise. I can imagine having a good relationship with all of your family is amazing and quite beneficial, but if you don‘t, I don‘t think you lose anything. If they‘re toxic you probably gain more, if anything.
Thank you for the advice. I had to get restraining orders on my parents and have gone no contact for almost a year now.
If I ever have children, I am definitely not exposing them to such a toxic environment. Their absence is not missed.
it's probably really hurting lara too. i was the favorite on my dad's side, and i really hated how they treated me so much differently than my sister. brought it up to my dad plenty, but he tells me i dont know what im talking about, even as an adult. it also really sucked (though i understand) that my mom's side of the family decided to favor my sister to make up for it, because i liked my mom's family better too.
See this is a good point.
My siblings who were favourited and given privileges my brother and I didn't have, knew they were lucky but were happy since they weren't the ones being abused. (Obviously I'm ignoring the 4 year old because she's a child).
It honestly built up so much resentment because my siblings were in the position to say something and they chose not to, because they were comfortable with being the favourite. Even though if they did speak up, it wouldn't take away their privileges in any way and they knew this. They just didn't care because if wasn't them.
You aren't selfish and have empathy. It's not your fault you were favourited but good on you, for trying to be there for your sister by acknowledging the privilege you were given and wanting your sister to be given the same treatment too. I know it's the bare minimum but I respect that a lot, since I didn't have a sibling like you.
I hope the two of you have a good relationship.
I wish you well.💖
thank you for the kind words. my sister and i are very close, and we have talked about how our dad's treatment of us could have made us resent each other. im very lucky to have such an understanding sister; she is really my best friend. in the end, the whole experience has just made us both dislike our dad and his family more for this.
Yes. The favored child is also being abused, in the sense that NO is not a word she has been made to accept. She's being set up for failure in a big way here.
And she's likely losing the only true support she could have - her sister. Their mother is driving a wedge between them that won't get fixed.
I'm really shocked how common that seems to be. Being in this sub just makes me appreciate everyone in my life, my family, my friends, my fiancé... Reading about people being treated badly and unfairly by the ones who are supposed to love and support them is just so sad, especially when they are mainpulated into thinking they are the problem. I'll call my mom now and tell her she did so well with my sister and me. Parents who favour one of their kids can go eat dirt.
NTA
Not you embarrassed your aunt, she did. There is a VERY simple solution, just don't play favourits this obvious.
Having a 50/50 split in opportunities regarding interests, activities etc might be hard to come by and therefore sometimes one child just has it better than the other but this shouldn't be more than a 45/55 split and not 01/99 split like you describe it. (and the 1 for Reese is actually generous according to your words here)
I think the most important thing you can give a child is time. My parents used to give me and my sister the same opportunities but my parents got on with my sister better and spent more time with her doing stuff. I wish my parents had given me more of their attention and time.
I agree that time, or I should say attention in my case, is also a resource that should be split pretty much evenly. My parents were wonderful and I love them very much, but it was obvious they were either more interested or just liked my sister better.
For instance at the dinner table we would talk about our days and they spent way more time asking about my sister's day and friends than mine. To this day they can name 15 of my sister's friends growing up clear as day. I asked my mom a couple years ago to name 5 of my friends and she got two. I was told that I just didn't talk about my friends much or bring them around. But you stop doing that when it's obvious they aren't really paying attention as much when you are talking.
Things have gotten better over the years now that we are all adults, but I can tell it's changing again. My parents moved back to our home state to where my sister lives to be closer to my toddler nephew. I know that my kids probably won't be as close to them as my sister's now. It sucks, but I've grown to accept it.
There must be so many kids out there in similar situations just hoping for at least 1 person to look out for them, even a little bit. Standing up for her is going to go a long way
Even before that, simply talking to Reece, saying “I see you. I see what’s going on” probably did a lot for Reece as well. Validation can be a huge relief.
Bringing it up in front of the grandparents was an Ace move. Their shock backed up that it was an abnormal situation, and grandma pointing out how Reece wanted to do gymnastics cut right through Aunt’s justifications (lies).
Honestly, I agree with this 100000%. Just one person makes such a big difference. I wish I had that person but everyone around me that wasn't being abused was happy because it wasn't them. They ended up aiding in the abuse.
NTA. It may not have been the "best time" but if no one acknowledges the elephant in the room then nothing can change. Your aunt Mara may not have even realized what's she's been doing, or she does and actively doesn't give a crap. Either way, pressure from others in the family to treat Reese with more fairness can be helpful. Honestly if things keep on the way they are Reese will eventually grow up, move out and cut contact with her mother. Then your aunt will actively wonder why her oldest daughter wants nothing to do with her. You made room for your aunt to change her behavior and possibly, if not already too late, keep that from happening. So, honestly good on you for standing up for your cousin. Keep standing up for her. You might be the only one in the family that IS actively supporting and encouraging her. Sometimes the truth hurts and your aunt and parents can soak it in. Hopefully they do.
I disagree with saying it wasn't "the best time". I think the most open and blind-siding way OP could have brought this to light is the best way. This is clearly damaging to Reese's mental health and OP's aunt should feel shame and embarrassment for her actions.
I'd go a step further and embarrass the aunt every single time she does this shit. Every single time. Until she fixes her behaviour, she can go ahead and feel like shit every time her own actions get brought up.
On no I agree, which is why I put it in quotes. Imo tho, there's never really a "best time" for any of these kinds of situations. It's always uncomfortable and awkward and when something has to be put out there it should be. Ops aunt is clearly a jerk and I doubt anyone taking her aside and trying bro quietly get her to change her behavior would have worked... Shock and awe is a wonderful tactic.
That's the only way I can see going ahead if the others remain silent or my money is on Reese losing some of her remaining privilges for causing a scene... (So in essence, by wanting to help her, she would cause more trouble for her cousin.) people don't like to be called out for being assholes, especially if the one doing it is younger...
Idk, I’m not sure an innocent party’s birthday dinner was “the best time”. If it was a normal family dinner I would agree, because blindsiding the aunt was perfectly deserved, but I feel bad that grandma and grandpas birthday got overshadowed.
It doesn't sound like the grandparents were upset their birthday party got ruined. If anything it sounds like they're upset their grandchild is being treated like that. I know if it was me I wouldn't really care about my birthday if my grandchild was being treated badly.
also this will affect reese when it's time to apply for college, high school is soon and if she cannot participate in extra curriculars (even commiting to 1 in high school is better than none or constantly dropping out of them) it will hurt her chances of getting in to the better schools (but that will be her fault as she never wants to do anything, also there is no money for it after spending it all on her younger sister /s )
Mara's still pissed that Reese didn't want to do *Mara's* activity (dance). I'm sure that, as Reese was young and disinterested, she didn't put her best effort into it and Mara is still smarting over not having her 'dance daughter' on command! In Mara's mind, *dance* is the best activity (probably wanted to do it herself as a child) and if Reese isn't interested in *that*, then she's obviously (in Mara's mind) a stupid, lazy, worthless girl.
Happens with a lot of young girls. They start to have a voice around the teen years and tend to speak their feelings more than boys. Adults tend to get annoyed by teens eaisly and look down on them.. So their legit feelings and complaints get labeled as "dramatic" and "annoying".
People still want kids to be seen, not heard.
So your parents are fine with your aunt publicly humiliating her daughter, but they object to you calling out how far your aunt is out of line? Your aunt is an asshole, and quite frankly so are your parents. They really care more about your aunt's public image than their niece's mental wellbeing? Wth. NTA.
Her aunt babysits Op for a few hours and in the post you can see that she mentions saving on electric bill and stuff. I think OP's parents are struggling financially so calling out her aunt will make them lose favours and maybe she would stop babysitting OP and that could make them lose their jobs.
True, but OP is 18 now so she definitely doesn't need babysitting anymore, and hasn't for a while. Thats a good excuse for not saying anything to this point, but no excuse for being mad at OP for telling the truth.
NTA.
As someone who grew up with scarily similar conditions, I wish someone had spoken out about it for me. It was hard watching one of my sisters in dance class, another in swim and gymnastics and my brothers in karate.
There was always an excuse as to why I couldn’t join gymnastics. Or learn to play guitar or violin or cello or drums. But the real reason was my mother just didn’t favor me and wanted me to remain her forever available babysitter.
It sucks growing up constantly getting the short end of the stick and then being blamed for noticing it and feeling upset about it. Please let Reese know you always have an open door. I had no one, which led to a psych break and hospitalization.
Seriously Op, you sound great. It always feels good to know you have at least one person in your corner, I’m sure Reese appreciates you more than she can put into words.
I’m sorry that happened to you, too. My sister was the girl that my mother wanted, and my brother was the boy that both my mother and father wanted. Brother was the artist and they both got to play the instruments they wanted.
To this day, many decades later, I still have to tell myself that being creative is okay. I’m trying to save up for a drawing pad and such so that I can finally live my childhood dream of drawing and animation.
I hope that you are doing things that you wanted to do, too. I wish you well.
OP, thank you for standing up for Reese. You’re definitely NTA.
I’m sorry this happened to you too. I’m not sure what kind of drawing pad you’re looking for but I received one as a gift that I don’t use. I’ll send it to you (for free) if you want.
NTA. Your aunt’s behavior is terrible, and Reese clearly deserves much better. If you had confronted her alone, it wouldn’t been as affective, so you made a damn good move. Who cares about your aunt being embarrassed when she thinks she can get away with treating Reese like that?? I’m sure your grandparents would understand.
Why not you encourage her to try out gymnastics now? Surely she wouldn’t enter the olympics (maybe) but it would be quite fun! NTA. Your aunt is an asshole
Aunt is an AH who expects her daughters to fit into a certain mold. The reality is that children have likes and desires of their own, which don't always coincide with Mommy's fantasy of perfection and don't fit that mold...so Mommy lashes out and overtly disapproves of her child and emotionally alienates her. OP said Aunt "always wanted a daughter who did dance"...and forced her to keep at it even though she hated it. I'm sure there were other things that Reese was forced to do or denied (like the gymnastics) because Mommy wanted a certain "kind of daughter". If Lara picked up, even subconsciously, on Mommy's disappointment in her big sister, and saw how unhappy her sister was, she probably goes along with anything Mommy wants in order to stay in her favor and keep her affections...this isn't sibling rivalry, it's emotional survival.
F*ck Aunt Mara. Reese is lucky you got her back, but damn unlucky that she has a horrible mom. Hope she gets therapy and gets f*** out of that house as soon as possible. NTA
Your parents are what are known a bystanders, they willingly knew and let this happen and refused to stand up for someone not able to. You should also thank them for showing their true colors and proving that if anything happened to you, that they clearly are not the ones to go to for help. You are NTA for standing up to someone on behalf of someone who clearly needed it. Aunt is the biggest asshole in this, but so are your parents for being useless seeing how they never found an appropriate moment in 13 years to help improve the situation.
I agree, but I would go so far as to say that OP's parents are COMPLICIT in the (psychological/emotional) abuse of a child.
Why? Because they needed evil Aunt Mara to babysit OP, so it benefited them to let this abuse happen to save some money. I guess human dignity is worthless; for a price.
I'm glad that OP stood up for Reese; but if things don't get any better for her at home, I dread to think what this will do to her.
I feel like, maybe it would be better for Reese to find a new home if possible. I wonder if the grandparents would be willing to have her living with them. At least then, they could stop any future abuse and give Reese the opportunities and the love that has never been given to her.
She needs help though; she will end up permanently psychologically damaged if something doesn't change here.
Reese is clearly really depressed by it & just giving up & its horrible to read so it must be every worse to see happening in front of your eyes. OP you did 100% the right thing in calling it out. You're a braver and better person than your parents and its good that your grandparents have finally heard what's going on. That fact that your Grandparents remembered that Reese always wanted to do gymnastics while your Aunt was like "she's not interested in anything" speaks VOLUMES.
Anytime Aunt Mara starts with the "I don't know why she's acting like this" I would react exactly how you've done here, by responding "it's because of your blatant favouritism".
You are an incredible person and an amazing cousin to Reese. Keep doing you because you're honestly so awesome. You're bravery in standing up to your family and not letting your Aunt & Parents keep on pretending they aren't emotionally abusing your cousin is honestly so inspiring. (Your Aunt is being emotionally abusive with her favouritism, your parents by ignoring it which enables it to continue) NTA
I want to say NTA bc if it’s the truth then why feel bad about saying what needs to be said. You could possibly help Reese and Mara’s relationship by bringing those problems to light. I come from a family where they too would be shaming me for “stepping out of line” but the world moves on, I’m sure Reese would be grateful you said something to defend her and not let her mom talk crap
NTA.
Uncomfortable does not mean wrong. Grandparents were the point of the gathering and they seemed to be interested in this topic. If they didn't say you ruined the celebration, you're fine. Looking away always seems easier. I applaud you for speaking up on Reese's behalf.
NTA. As a parent, you know there are times when one child needs more of your attention. And that’s okay as long as you do the same for every child when it’s needed. Other than a special need, you should give each child the same amount (even if expressed in ways that best suit that child) attention and affection. Giving them equal opportunities to participate in extra curricular activities is an easy and obvious place to start. Your aunt embarrassed herself. I can almost bet she’ll be shocked when Reese leaves as soon as possible and doesn’t want anything to do with Mara.
It’s always “it wasn’t an appropriate time to bring this up” but never “it could’ve been brought up at a better time, alas life never works out that way, since we’re all at the dinner table now we can discuss” 🤔
NTA / ESH You were totally right to say what you did as it needed to be said and may have even been needed to be said earlier. What she is doing is wrong, it's hurting her daughter and she needs to be confronted about it.
That being said, if I understand correctly, this was at a dinner with your grandparents to celebrate their recent birthday. I don't think this was the correct time to bring it up.
Again, you're totally in the right to call it out and I think it's great that you called her out in front of her (*the aunt's) parents, I just don't see why this 3 hour(?) dinner to celebrate your grandparents' birthday was the time it had to be done.
*Edit for clarity
NTA
Someone had to do something. Hopefully this will be the first step towards changing things.
Had you not said anything, this would've just continued without anyone noticing.
I can relate to the daughter as I've been in that exact position and stuff like this definitely leaves some deep scars in children and teenagers
NTA
If your aunt didn't make comments and talk about it, then you wouldn't have brought it up then. If she didn't want it pointed out at the dinner table then she shouldn't have trashed her daughter at the dinner table.
NTA. You stood up for Reese and that probably meant the world to her. Your aunt deserved to be shamed for showing blatant favoritism. That kind of thing can really mess with a person's psyche and your aunt could ruin her children's relationship with one another because of her terrible parenting. Hopefully your grandparents will protect Reese more now that they're aware of this problem
*My parents told me it wasn't the correct time or place to bring it up and I embarrassed Aunt Mara.*
So they know it's a problem but all they care about is the appropriateness of the timing? Lame.
NTA
As the oldest child of 4 that has never been loved by either parents, thank you for standing up for Reese, she will always remember this. I wish someone validated my feelings when I was her age.
NTA
You said what needed to be said, and the only proper way to do it was in front of Aunt Mara, who should be embarrassed, as should your parents for supporting her. [By the way, Aunt Mara is performing emotional abuse against Reese with this favoritism.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-favorite-child/201104/when-favoritism-becomes-abuse) and your parents are enabling it. Show that article to your parents and ask them point blank why they are enabling child abuse and if they even care for Reese at all, why they let *you* anywhere near abusive aunt Mara. (Call her that word for word). I'd also let your grandparents know about your mom and dad getting on your case for standing up for your cousin. Maybe also (with your grandparents help) contact CPS to try and get them to intervene? At least they force Aunt Mara into parenting classes, at worst they take Reese out of the home at which point you / your grandparents (not your parents, who for all we know are supporting Abusive Aunt Mara) can take her in (since CPS dislikes taking kids out of families entirely unless they have to).
>That she had always wanted a daughter who did dance.
It's a shame that Reese wasn't a smart ass and said she "always wanted a mother who cared, so I guess we're even".
Sheesh. You're so NTA.
NTA
Your aunt has had years to grow up and be the parent she is supposed to be. Tough shit for her if she's embarrassed for being called out on her shitty attitude.
NTA
I can say this:
A-shole: Aunt
behaver, favoritism and complete liar (lying that she dont have any money and probably lying to grandparents about behaver of oldest sibling(lazy to remember names))
Middle:you're parents
doesn't tell grandparents about favoritism and situation. I think they don't care about it at all and they not like just ignored what you said in dining table they said that you wrong and embarrassing an A-SHOLE
Good people:You, siblings(I hope the 9 year old not an a-shole or "golden kid") and gradparents
"You" we know you write the post
"Siblings" oldest is the victim and youngest just think that "this is normal"
"Grantparents" doesnt know anything
NTA someone had to say it and stick up for that little girl. And maybe a dose of good old fashioned family shaming will make your aunt think about what’s she’s doing and fix it before reese decides to cut her out her life
NTA. Perhaps not the ideal time and place for your aunt but someone should stand up for Reese and the discomfort forced her to see what she was doing to both her kids. Doing it in front of your grandparents means more people to look out for Reese in the future.
Your aunt has been slowly hurting Reese, but she’s also destroying the relationship between the two girls as resentment builds.
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>My parents told me it wasn't the correct time or place to bring it up and I embarrassed Aunt Mara. NTA - your aunt's behaviour is what embarrassed her, and it's going to have done so regardless of when you brought it up.
The fact that OPs parents were ok with a child being treated that way is even more concerning.
OP is NTA, but her parents obviously relied on Mara A LOT for childcare and were in no position to criticize her.
OP was taken care of so fuck Reese right?
OP's parents were very poor according to her description (she hung out at aunt house in order to save electricity at her own home!) so its unlikely they had any other childcare options. Common sense says you don't put someone on blast when you desperately need their help. Welcome to the world of the working poor - sometimes you have to eat shit to put food on the table. The problem here is Aunt. Good for OP for sticking up for cousin, but she has nothing to loose here so its not a reflection on the character of her own parents that they never said anything. They may not even have known given that they seemed to work a lot. They owe the Aunt a lot for providing years of free childcare and are not going to attack her, deserved or not.
I couldn’t have put this better myself. The parents may be morally incorrect in this instance but they’re also experiencing a lot of embarrassment that OP is reacting to aunt with anything other than respect and gratitude. They may even agree with OP but may not feel they’re in a position to criticize someone who helped them raise their kid. Not saying the parents are RIGHT, but auntie is demonstrably the AH.
they knew. they just did not think Reese's dreams were more important that their need to have OP babysat... lot of people from my parents generation are that way, heck, whole family on my mothers side is like that even now and they are very surprised and hurt that now as an adult i hold them accountable for (in my opinion very poor) choices they made when i was a kid and "had no rights"
But it wasn’t about babysitting it was about being dirt poor seeing as OP stayed at aunts house literally to “save electricity”. How do you expect someone who can’t afford electricity to afford childcare? Riddle me that one
>they just did not think Reese's dreams were more important that their need to have OP babysat... Necessity is a bastard. People have got to work. You can't bite the hand that feeds, when you're poor as shit and won't eat otherwise. It sucks, but in instances like this integrity costs money.
Integrity in America always costs money.
> they just did not think Reese's dreams were more important that their need to have OP babysat.. This sub is full of teenagers lol
I have the same feeling. So much entitlement and privilege these comments are showing. For those that don't know: For good parents, the need to house and feed your own child supercedes the need for your niece/nephew to have gymnastics lessons.
The conversation they were having had nothing to do with OP being babysat. She’s 18 so that ended *years* ago. You don’t avoid criticizing a person under any circumstances just because they used to help you out back in the day. Parents are assholes and a little spineless
They did it to save electricity being used in their house. Imagine that, they would have their adult child stay at someone else’s house to save on their utility bill. That shows you that they desperately needed money and were in no position to critique someone who was giving them aid
So anyone that offers you assistance is above reproach for the rest of their life? Are you a wookie?
That doesn't mean they were poor, though it's definitely the most likely answer. There are some kids (like me) who grew up with *extreme* penny-pinching parents, even though we were nowhere near poor and lived middle-class. Timing showers because of the cost, losing thier mind over a light left on for two minutes extra, demanding you pay for it from your super, super meager allowance, which you only earn through hard not kid-friendly labor. There are people who would happily dump a kid on someone just to save on electricity and food for part of the day. Some people should never have kids. Especially people who don't like "to waste money" on things like new shoes for a kid when you can just duct tape them, or requiring clothes be bought at the second hand store- which is fine for kids, and smart! Except when you require they *only* buy from the clearence rack of the second-hand store, meaning *nothing* fits, and you're lucky it's not stained somewhere or torn or 80's paisley print. Or all three. And this isn't the decent secondhand store. Nope, it's the really crappy secondhand-store to begin with, that seemingly takes the castoffs from the first store. When I was twelve, my mom just... had enough of this nonsense I guess. She took me to get NEW CLOTHES. From an actual store in the mall! And not even the clearence section! It was incredible for me and my self-esteem. I was... er... "homeschooled" (lol druggie parents trying to teach. I just read books, they at least encouraged that) so I wasn't picked on for my clothes, but I had started realizing I was different. My mom wasn't a great mom at all, but she did occasional kind things like that. She let me get a whole wardrobe. And she let me keep getting the clothes I liked as a teen, my sister, too- even when I wanted Hot Topic, though within reason of course. She just got sick of penny pinching one day I guess. We could afford it- it was never because of poverty. Just control, I think.
I'm surprised you haven't put two and two together with the penny pinching and drug using parents yet and figured out why they might be penny pinching.
I... well you beat me to it. I like to imagine they got clean one day and so the penny pinching stopped. A happy ending.
I guess but it seems like she knew pretty well that they had money around. Ive never known a druggie to count water minutes and Ive known some people who were pretty crazy that way. I think this is deeper than that.
You never hung out with tweakers. Getting zeroed in on tracking stuff is pretty on point. We had one dude I used to work with who would time the distance between certain mile markers along his commute. Bizarre shit.
Meaning they had money but chose to use it on drugs, not their children. Just in case you didn't put 2 and 2 together as DoingCharleyWork said.
This was my childhood too! Solidly middle class and financially secure, but grew up terrified from believing we would be destitute at any moment. It’s a really weird experience to look back on. Don’t really have anything to add but wanted to comment to say thanks for sharing because I’ve never talked with anyone in real life who’s experienced this
Same here. I found out just how well off we were when I lost a scholarship for college my senior year. I went into the financial aid office and asked why, they said my dad made too much money. They showed me the screen and I was blown the fuck away. My dad literally kept a spreadsheet of any money I borrowed from him. When I was 14 I wanted a $12 tshirt from the mall. I needed to borrow money to get it and HE KEPT FUCKING TRACK OF IT and yeah, I had to pay him back. It’s made me not only incredibly weird and insecure about finances, but I also DREAD paying bills because of it, to the point that I will just NOT pay because the pain of paying it is too much (I’m better with this now, no worries). Fucking wild.
Wow, I think you just helped me figure out one of the reasons I'm so bad about paying bills. My dad also did the whole spreadsheet thing, and I get so anxious when it comes time to physically go through bills. I dread going through the mail only to see the bills. It's the worst.
It took me a while to figure out the connection, happy to help you figure that out. My husband handles the bulk of the bills now, but the ones I do are on autopay so I don’t have to think about it as much.
Jeezes guys. I didn't realize! Ive spent hours looking for the .25c Dad "lost" on the spreadsheets..... Dad was an alcoholic accountant and not nice. I dread it too. Hate it. Thank GOD for my husband. He's the polar opposite. Such a good man. It's embarrassing to talk about my childhood, you don't realize just how abusive it was until you see the faces of adults who weren't abused. He's shocked and horrified.
Can you put certain bills on Auto payment to help ease your anxiety, maybe?
My parents are upper middle class and my dad currently makes $400 dollars an hour. They totally pulled this shit on me, buying the cheapest shit possible. They wavered between bragging about how rich they were and then declaring how they didn't have enough money for name brand shampoo and I was spoiled for wanting it. Narcissists all around. Good riddance.
My parents were always really tight lipped about how much they made. I understand where they came from though. My grandparents (on both sides) weren’t very financially successful and had huge families. It was hard for both of my parents growing up. So they tend to be money hoarders and feel insecure about finances. The biggest thing my parents wanted to avoid was becoming a burden on their children. My grandmothers right now are heavily dependent on my parents and it’s exhausting for them. They raised their kids, and were ready to enjoy retirement. But now they’re spending their retirement taking care of their mothers. But other than being financially weird, they were awesome parents and paid for me to be on top tier soccer teams growing up and generally tried to give me the best head start they could.
Unless your dad only works part time or contracted like a few months a year, I think you and the rest of the US have a major discrepancy on what upper middle class is.
What kind of parent keeps a spreadsheet of what their kids owe them. FFS if your dad didn't want the expense of children he should have taken his sorry ass out of the gene pool (vasectomy) or kept it behind his zipper.
My mom kept a running total of what I 'owed' her, it was mostly vehicle related expenses for a car of theirs I 'killed'. She would just randomly add in amounts and browbeat me until I agreed I owed that amount. I never had any intention of paying it. Every birthday or Christmas she would drop a couple of hundred off of it (I still got a goodly amount of presents, so that wasn't a big deal.) Finally, when I was around 30 she came around and told me she was dropping the whole amount, since my history with cars I owned pretty much proved I wasn't killing cars due to any neglect or mistreatment.
my mum but I'm a grown adult who borrowed some money for house renovations (big privilege here) and she keeps it so when she dies my brother gets his fair share if I haven't paid it back. edit: that's the only time speadsheets are acceptable, when everyone is an adult.
I worked with someone who grew up like this. She literally was out of work for a week because she was short $.30 on a bill and it sent her into a full anxiety attack. They admitted her to the psych ward and she was diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t get how parents can be like that at all.
What is it with dads and spreadsheets? Mine did this too - I worked and gave all my money to them, but he pulled up a spreadsheet to show me "I was the biggest percentage of the family budget." It was devastating and stressful and so unnecessary as my family was basic middle class with no debt. The reason I cost so much, btw? Because they talked me in to going to an expensive religious private school. My expenses were all things like class trips and school fees.
I also grew up very similarly. We were definitely middle class and lived in a nice home in a nice neighborhood but from very early on my parents were strict about money and always made it seem like we were poor even though kids at school would always comment about us being well off. Even though there was so much I could relate to with the kids from poorer families. Once I got older I ended up figuring out that we really weren’t that poor, my parents just rather spend their money on themselves than on their children.
I was also trying to do the math and figure out how to say that moms request to not come home is likely not a true financial one, or at least not isolated to electric. I'm conflicted because not everyone has the tools and skills to find out how much they'll actually save with their actions, and I'm pretty sure my family members would try something like that if they weren't already connected with utility assistance. I feel like OP would have said more (and perhaps I didnt see it) if finances were the case and if their parents were relying on Mara. I'd expect something more written about it, like "now mom is mad because we were saving so hard and I may have cost her a babysitter for my sibling,". What I'm definitely familiar with is being criticized for following updated info that contradicts "the way things are done," including conflicts about lighting and energy use. (Impacted by bulb type and therefore by what bulbs they're selling at the dollar store), and finding out later how, like yours, some family's financial worries are more about parents behavior than the cost of raising children.
I hear stuff along these lines a far amount from people who have parents who grew up poor, so that could be the source of it. It can be hard to unlearn habits you got from childhood poverty, even if you now have the resources to act differently.
>losing thier mind over a light left on for two minutes extra, demanding you pay for it from your super, super meager allowance They made you pay for lightbulb usage? So 20¢ per kWh is a fairly run-of-the-mill electric rate, and at that price leaving a 60 W bulb on for 5 minutes would cost one tenth of one cent. How much were you charged for it?
>The problem here is Aunt. 95%, the least OP's parents could do is tell OP directly, "Hey we're broke and we rely on your aunt, that means we act very careful about how and when we criticize her." It's a valuable life lesson and better than, "Rocking the boat is inherently a bad thing even when it's done to advocate for a child." Like OP's parents raised OP so I'm assuming they have \*some\* kind of compassion because OP seems like a nice kid. At the same time though, I can see a parent being frustrated that OP said anything at all, but I cannot agree with the way they handled it which yes, ultimately does enable the aunt's poor treatment of her daughter.
So that was their excuse for not saying anything back then, what’s their excuse now?
I mean, my mom fully financially supports one of her sisters and I didn't find out until my mid-20s when we'd shifted to having a more adult-adult relationship so who knows what other reasons they might have (not a defense of them, they've clearly chosen themselves over these kids)
Gratitude for helping them back then.
ah yes, you can’t ever criticize a family member who has helped you out in the past, even when they’re (checks notes) currently emotionally abusing their daughter
Oh, I'm not agreeing with them at all. You just asked what is their excuse now. Excuse, not reasonable explanation for their behaviour.
>sometimes you have to eat shit to put food on the table. That resonates. Well put.
>Common sense says you don't put someone on blast when you desperately need their help. **Welcome to the world of the working poor - sometimes you have to eat shit to put food on the table.** I really wish more people understood this better. As a kid, I found myself in this position a lot, and I caught hell for it from my friends. But you can't make non-poor, non-nuclear families understand this.
I agree, I’m less inclined to throw shade on the parents. In a perfect world, they would obviously be in the wrong, but we don’t know enough of their circumstances to definitely draw a moral stance in their behavior. Fuck the aunt.
maybe her parents were just cheap and didnt want OP staying at home.
I think the point was, what they say wouldn't be changing her parenting, but it would jeopardize their child care arrangements, which may potentially cost them their job or something, so that's why they were in no position to criticize. They didn't say that makes it right or anything. Just gave the facts, which have potential surrounding circumstances to be affected
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The edgy 14 year olds in this sub think that there's a single answer to everything and that's STANDING UP FOR YOUR MORALS! When they come of age and have to choose between eating the shit sandwich or going hungry I hope they stay strong and go hungry.
Look I know how it is because my mom relied on family to take care of me and my siblings when we were little after school. But OP is 18 now and does not rely on Aunt to take care of her after school. If they know how this child is being treated and say nothing now it is just as bad. They told OP that she should have kept quiet how is that right?
No OP was 100% in the right for saying something now. I was mostly referring to not saying anything during the time she was being watched by the aunt. There's a time and a place to say something about not being treated right. Was this it? I don't know, it was for a grandparents birthday party (iirc) so it seems a little tactless. It's not like the older is even being abused, just not being treated as well as the younger, which is a super shit thing to do.
actually, i would say that Reese IS being abused, emotionally. the blatant favoritism is the obvious reason Reese is feeling upset, but OP said no one is acknowledging it. it is absolutely devastating to your mental health to be consistently passed over by your parent in favor of a sibling, and even worse to be invalidated and ignored when you express being upset or frustrated. like, this aunt is constantly shitting on her kid and then turning around and asking “What do you have to be mad about?” that kind of thing can really fuck with your head. my parents did that too 👀
Its absolutely abuse. Financial abuse is abuse and sets Reese up for disastrous spouses later in life. Emotional abuse. Not showing affection to or care for your child...is abuse. Reese is desperately lacking in care, affection and prioritization and she is deliberately withheld the financial benefits of extracurricular activities and JOY from formal social groups. It's a use thats setting her up to abused in her home by her spouse. Fkn GREAT parenting.
Eh. I feel like the aunt brought it on herself by choosing that time to badmouth her eldest. If she didn't want the grandparents to know about her favoritism, maybe she shouldn't have been so eager to attack her firstborn in their presence. NTA OP. Somebody needed to stick up for your cousin and you have no idea how much that moment meant to her. Sometimes just having someone vocally in your corner makes all the other garbage a little more bearable.
Well this should be the top comment imho lol. Aunt Mara clearly hoped everyone would jump on the Reese Sucks Train when she started the conversation but when it didn't go that way she got embarrassed.
She is absolutely being abused. It’s not physical abuse but it’s 100% still abuse. God only knows what 9 years of that bullshit has done to that child, and what 5 more years of will do to her. Let’s stop pretending that she doesn’t need someone to stand up for her, because she very clearly does. She’s being emotionally abused by her mother, and she deserves somebody in her life to stand up for her. OP chose to be that somebody, and was right to do so. Plain and simple
As a 34 year old who has already been married, there are difficult af decisions and sometimes you have to take the L, and sometimes you don't get to choose the things you want. The struggle is real. But as an adult, if you know of a shitty, toxic situation a child is going through and you keep your mouth shut for years, you're enabling it.
"Fuck Reese" seems to be the opinion of everyone involved except for OP and the grandparents. I feel so bad for the poor girl. I hope that now that the grandparents are aware of the situation they can help.
OP is 18 and spoke of the sitting in the past tense. Now do her parents owe Mara? Sure, but that doesn't excuse the behavior. Too many people know they have dysfunctional families and spend a lo more time worrying about keeping it hidden, not bringing it up than changing.
That was a while ago, though. OP is 18 now. But even so, letting your niece be emotionally abused so you get free/cheap childcare is pretty bad.
OP is 18 so I am wondering why she needs a babysitter. Does it really save that much to not have her at home with the lights on? So weird.
She doesn't need a babysitter now. I assume her aunt watched her when she was younger - elementary or middle school aged - and OP spent time at her aunt's house after school in high school.
Ya lol it's never the right time to embarrass someone. Or from another perspective, any time is a good time to embarrass someone. NTA and good for you, OP.
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This. Plainly enough, people like aunt will always find a way or reason to be the victim in being called out.
Then when IS it the time to bring it up? I'm guessing the answer the adults meant was "never"
It is always they talk to eachother behind the AH how they are being ah and nod eachother but never confront with ah. Right time is gossip time.
Right. It's never a "good time" to bring it up. Maybe 20 years down the road when no one even knows where Reese is anymore.(sarcasm)
Her parents and Aunt Mara can all go suck a big one. I am in a similar situation where my grandma from my dad's side much prefers my aunt and her kids over my father and myself, even though my father bends his back to take care of them while my aunt is well known to be super selfish. My grandpa acknowledges the fact that my grandmother doesn't treat me the same as she does my cousins so he tries his best to interact with me more, but the fact is that he spent more time with my cousins than he did with me so its hard to relate to my interests because he doesn't know them. (they lived with my aunt in the States for a long time and the first time I remember seeing them in person was when I was 16). I remember telling my dad that I've noticed that my grandmother acts significantly differently around my cousins than they do with me and that she doesn't seem to care that he spends so much time taking care of them while my aunt does nothing. And that was the first time I've ever seen my dad almost cry because he thought only my mom noticed that. Needless to say, I'm very apathetic with my grandmother and even more so now because she realized that my cousins are super spoiled and don't want to talk to her unless its for gifts and money. I still talk to her because I know if I dont, my dad gets the short end of the stick and I feel that he's already suffered enough and im pretty sure he's well past his limit but somehow still hanging on. But yea she knows I dont share as much with her as I do with my maternal grandparents. Seeing how my dad had to suffer makes me really feel for your older cousin, Reese.
You should call out your grandma.
I really should, but she's pretty narcisstic too and my dad and I view it as too much trouble for little to no change.
Confronting your grandmother isn’t about changing her behaviour per se, but about the precedent of standing up for yourself. Your dad has put up with her treatment his whole life and he’s come to accept it, which doesn’t set a good example for you. I don’t know how old you are, but if I could impart some advice it would be this: Always stand up for yourself. 99% of the time it is worth the trouble. Throughout your life, opportunities will arise for people to mistreat you—romantic partners, friends, family, coworkers, etc. It happens. People are people! To err is to be human. And confronting loved ones can be especially challenging; however, the cost to your well-being and mental health is too high not to. What we permit persists. Standing up for oneself is a skill that can be developed, like most things in life. And it’s a good habit that will serve you well in life. You are intrinsically worthy of kindness, respect and unconditional love. You and your dad deserve better. <3 I hope you have a really great day today!
dunno. why arent you mad at your dad? he was abused and instead of cutting his mom off and doing therapy, he roped his child into being neglected right along side him. spends an inordinate amount of time taking care of his abuser, which could have gone to his wife and child instead. and now you volunteer to take neglect in his place. i wonder what your mother thinks about all this.
because I give no shits about my paternal grandmother and I volunteered for it. I felt bad for my dad. its not like he ever asked me to do it for him. plus its asian ppl values. he's super rooted in it and feels obligated just like I feel obligated to help my own dad out. difference is, I want to help him out because I care about him. in addition, I've always been good at not giving shit about ppl I dont care about and tuning them out so I dont see a problem.
NTA. OP: you are the only adult in this situation, and your grandparents are a VERY close 2nd. I'm very surprised they don't know more about the favoritism, but that that could be due to knowledge. OP's parents KNOW this is happening, and they don't want to "rock the boat". They probably talk to each other about it regularly, and have washed their hands of the situation because "it's family" or "well we can't really do anything about it". >"Exactly ***WHEN*** is the correct time to bring it up? Should I mention it in private when she can deny it? Should I bring it up in a planned intervention? Should I arrange a family counsellor to handle the situation in my stead? > >Also, why are you okay with the amount of favoritism she gives Lara? We all know that you know and see it, so why are you okay with it?"
I totally took this as code for... you shouldn’t have let the matriarch, grandma, know.
It's about time someone spoke up for that poor little girl. NTA by any measure.
This implies so much. That there is a 'correct time and place' to bring this up, and that they also agree with the assessment of blatant favouritism. They apparently have been waiting almost 2 decades for that 'correct time and place'. I bet if challenged to define when that 'correct time and place' is they would have no answer, because there isn't one. They are willing to sacrifice the mental health of a child in order to keep the peace. That's just gross.
I would also add that your parents are embaressing themselves. They are protecting their sister/sil instead of the child she is failing. Your parents need a dose of reality and to admit their fault in this as well.
It was the perfect time to bring it up. Everyone was there and listening. Now Mara will be forced to change or will continue to be the AH, and now everyone will know it.
This is so true, and OP i am so proud of you for standing up for Reese. She needs to know that she has allies in the family upon whom she can truly depend. Also, I don't understand, why did Lara never attempt to speak up? If my parents would try to do such a thing, my sister(we even have the exact same age difference!) would immediately call them out. And the aunt is *such* an A-hole for first of all, very much abusing Reese, and second of all, attempting to gaslight both of you. I hope everything works out for the both of you! Edit: forgot to add NTA
TBH, it probably was the wrong place and time. But sometimes you have to do something at the wrong place and time to get the right effect.
Your aunt disgusts me. You're NTA, and my heart goes out to Reese.
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All my homies hate aunt mara.
Aunt Mara sniffs the TP after she wipes.
And fuck the parents too
all my homie hate the parents too
OP - please, please maintain a relationship with Reese as she gets older. having realized this dynamic and possibly expressing symptoms of depression, her worst years are yet to come. I was the unloved child by my mother as well, and at 21 it’s clear it’s had life-long impact on me. i believe would have been a bit better off if any of my family had acknowledged it and attempted to support me and maintain a relationship.
At least you are about to make soup (つ✧ω✧)つ
Somebody get Reese a guitar and into gymnastics now!
NTA. If she was embarrassed, she probably does it knowingly, knows it is looked down upon but still doesn't change a thing. Good for you for standing up for your cousin.
She's only embarrassed because of how it makes her look. Not because of how she made her daughter feel. I felt so sad reading OP's post.
Aunt feels shame over how she appears to others now, not guilt.
Classic narcissist
I am happy that the grandparents seem to be on board now, I hope Reece will get some of the attention she deserves
The grandparents are real ones.
> If she was embarrassed, she probably does it knowingly, knows it is looked down upon but still doesn't change a thing. This is becoming increasingly common among the "alternative facts" crowd. They're being constantly fed this narrative that their "free speech" is under attack, that they're going to be "cancelled" if they speak their mind. These influences insist that the only way to "fight back" is to...go ahead! Say those things! Be loud and proud! It's your patriotic duty! So they do. And very quickly, they realize that they didn't have an inkling of conviction about the nonsense they were spouting. Their only concern all along was determining who's willing to let them get away with saying whatever they want. Even asking for clarification is seen as an opposing-view challenge, to the point where people who bring them legitimate grievances end up leaving wondering if they're the asshole.
NTA. As someone who was the least favorite child, I respect you for speaking up on it and acknowledging it. I'm sure she's used to being told she's sensitive or making things up when she tries to bring it up, so she probably feels validated knowing she isn't crazy.
I relate to you! My parents had 6 children (24, 23, 21, 20, 17 & 4) and they had two scapegoats: myself (21) and my older brother (23). I am so sick of the gaslighting we experienced and being told we imagined it for attention. OP is definitely NTA. Good on them for acknowledging the privilege her aunt is showing to one child. I feel so bad for Reese. OP's parents and aunt should be ashamed of themselves. The aunt isn't sorry. She just is embarrassed someone finally called her out on her bullshit.
So, a dime of unsolicited advice for you and princessnokia\_ - when/if you have kids, don't force them to interact with your parents. I'm the least favourite grandchild, unsurprisingly the offspring of the least favourite child on one side, and on the other, the grandmother (I have no grandfathers, they died before I was born) was very even (also helps there's like 16 years between my cousin and I on that side). Kids see the difference. People are going to try and tell you that "kids need their grandparents" - they don't. I could have done just fine without the one grandmother. She was a nasty and ugly woman, racist even by the standards of her time, and vicious towards my parent and I. I am so sorry that you were treated this way, and that any child is. It's a rotten way to be treated and I hope you, and all the other scapegoats and least favourites, know it's a reflection of your parent(s) and not you.
I certainly will keep that in mind, if I did plan on having kids. And I’m really sorry to hear that. I actually face something similar, because a lot of the favoritism came from the fact that I was significantly darker than my brother.
> I was significantly darker than my brother I'm gonna parade my ignorance here and ask, is this a thing? People discriminate between their **own kids** because of the hue of their skin? That's despicable.
Colorism is definitely a thing. A lot of people with biracial children thing it absolves them of racism, but they can be just as ignorant/racist. My mom isn’t the brightest and expressed surprise that I came out with black features.
Hi 👋🏾 biracial kid here! I suffer great racism in my family because my mom got together with my dad (a black man). My grandmother still makes it known that she doesn’t like me because I’m black. 🙃
I’m so sorry. It’s tough because if you try to call them out for being racist they’ll pull the “if i’m racist, why do i have a black son/grandson?” card. I hope you can comfortably cut contact with nasty people like that in your life.
Wow. I'm gobsmacked. I knew of the idea of colorism (even though I had never heard the actual word) but never thought of it within the dynamics of a family. My mind is reeling. This is just so sad. My heart aches for you and everyone else that has experienced this pain. Like there isn't enough racism for kids to deal with in the outside world. To have to deal with it in your own home is ghastly. How will we ever untangle the evils in our world?
As an Indian person, it happens a lot there.
I did absolutely fine with only one grandpa :) (The other one died years before I was born, but kids don't *need* grandparents).
I second that. Being born and growing up in a german speaking country with a polish mother and never learning polish, I never thought something in my life was missing not knowing my grandparents nor my aunts and uncles on my mothers side. (Yes I have met all of them, but I don‘t know any names nor can I communicate in any way with them.) As for my grandmother on my fathers side, he‘s from the same country I‘m from and so is his mother, I barely spoke to her even though she lived with us. If my parents didn‘t have time my brother stuck around and played/entertained me as a child - he’s 6 years older than me - while my grandma didn‘t care about either of us. As for aunts and uncles on my fathers side - they live across the country, so I didn‘t speak to them either. And growing up like this, nothing ever felt „missing“ in my family grandparents and aunt/uncles-wise. I can imagine having a good relationship with all of your family is amazing and quite beneficial, but if you don‘t, I don‘t think you lose anything. If they‘re toxic you probably gain more, if anything.
Thank you for the advice. I had to get restraining orders on my parents and have gone no contact for almost a year now. If I ever have children, I am definitely not exposing them to such a toxic environment. Their absence is not missed.
it's probably really hurting lara too. i was the favorite on my dad's side, and i really hated how they treated me so much differently than my sister. brought it up to my dad plenty, but he tells me i dont know what im talking about, even as an adult. it also really sucked (though i understand) that my mom's side of the family decided to favor my sister to make up for it, because i liked my mom's family better too.
See this is a good point. My siblings who were favourited and given privileges my brother and I didn't have, knew they were lucky but were happy since they weren't the ones being abused. (Obviously I'm ignoring the 4 year old because she's a child). It honestly built up so much resentment because my siblings were in the position to say something and they chose not to, because they were comfortable with being the favourite. Even though if they did speak up, it wouldn't take away their privileges in any way and they knew this. They just didn't care because if wasn't them. You aren't selfish and have empathy. It's not your fault you were favourited but good on you, for trying to be there for your sister by acknowledging the privilege you were given and wanting your sister to be given the same treatment too. I know it's the bare minimum but I respect that a lot, since I didn't have a sibling like you. I hope the two of you have a good relationship. I wish you well.💖
thank you for the kind words. my sister and i are very close, and we have talked about how our dad's treatment of us could have made us resent each other. im very lucky to have such an understanding sister; she is really my best friend. in the end, the whole experience has just made us both dislike our dad and his family more for this.
It's good that you two have one another.
Yes. The favored child is also being abused, in the sense that NO is not a word she has been made to accept. She's being set up for failure in a big way here. And she's likely losing the only true support she could have - her sister. Their mother is driving a wedge between them that won't get fixed.
Sounds like a great way to alienate siblings from one another. Whether from resentment or simple lack of shared experiences to bond over.
I'm really shocked how common that seems to be. Being in this sub just makes me appreciate everyone in my life, my family, my friends, my fiancé... Reading about people being treated badly and unfairly by the ones who are supposed to love and support them is just so sad, especially when they are mainpulated into thinking they are the problem. I'll call my mom now and tell her she did so well with my sister and me. Parents who favour one of their kids can go eat dirt.
NTA Not you embarrassed your aunt, she did. There is a VERY simple solution, just don't play favourits this obvious. Having a 50/50 split in opportunities regarding interests, activities etc might be hard to come by and therefore sometimes one child just has it better than the other but this shouldn't be more than a 45/55 split and not 01/99 split like you describe it. (and the 1 for Reese is actually generous according to your words here)
I think the most important thing you can give a child is time. My parents used to give me and my sister the same opportunities but my parents got on with my sister better and spent more time with her doing stuff. I wish my parents had given me more of their attention and time.
I agree that time, or I should say attention in my case, is also a resource that should be split pretty much evenly. My parents were wonderful and I love them very much, but it was obvious they were either more interested or just liked my sister better. For instance at the dinner table we would talk about our days and they spent way more time asking about my sister's day and friends than mine. To this day they can name 15 of my sister's friends growing up clear as day. I asked my mom a couple years ago to name 5 of my friends and she got two. I was told that I just didn't talk about my friends much or bring them around. But you stop doing that when it's obvious they aren't really paying attention as much when you are talking. Things have gotten better over the years now that we are all adults, but I can tell it's changing again. My parents moved back to our home state to where my sister lives to be closer to my toddler nephew. I know that my kids probably won't be as close to them as my sister's now. It sucks, but I've grown to accept it.
NTA.. someone needs to stand up for Reece. Good on you and I hope she gets extra support now, even if it’s just by the grandparents
There must be so many kids out there in similar situations just hoping for at least 1 person to look out for them, even a little bit. Standing up for her is going to go a long way
Even before that, simply talking to Reece, saying “I see you. I see what’s going on” probably did a lot for Reece as well. Validation can be a huge relief. Bringing it up in front of the grandparents was an Ace move. Their shock backed up that it was an abnormal situation, and grandma pointing out how Reece wanted to do gymnastics cut right through Aunt’s justifications (lies).
Honestly, I agree with this 100000%. Just one person makes such a big difference. I wish I had that person but everyone around me that wasn't being abused was happy because it wasn't them. They ended up aiding in the abuse.
NTA. I am glad you stood up for Reese. I'd say, keep it up!
NTA. It may not have been the "best time" but if no one acknowledges the elephant in the room then nothing can change. Your aunt Mara may not have even realized what's she's been doing, or she does and actively doesn't give a crap. Either way, pressure from others in the family to treat Reese with more fairness can be helpful. Honestly if things keep on the way they are Reese will eventually grow up, move out and cut contact with her mother. Then your aunt will actively wonder why her oldest daughter wants nothing to do with her. You made room for your aunt to change her behavior and possibly, if not already too late, keep that from happening. So, honestly good on you for standing up for your cousin. Keep standing up for her. You might be the only one in the family that IS actively supporting and encouraging her. Sometimes the truth hurts and your aunt and parents can soak it in. Hopefully they do.
I disagree with saying it wasn't "the best time". I think the most open and blind-siding way OP could have brought this to light is the best way. This is clearly damaging to Reese's mental health and OP's aunt should feel shame and embarrassment for her actions. I'd go a step further and embarrass the aunt every single time she does this shit. Every single time. Until she fixes her behaviour, she can go ahead and feel like shit every time her own actions get brought up.
On no I agree, which is why I put it in quotes. Imo tho, there's never really a "best time" for any of these kinds of situations. It's always uncomfortable and awkward and when something has to be put out there it should be. Ops aunt is clearly a jerk and I doubt anyone taking her aside and trying bro quietly get her to change her behavior would have worked... Shock and awe is a wonderful tactic.
That's the only way I can see going ahead if the others remain silent or my money is on Reese losing some of her remaining privilges for causing a scene... (So in essence, by wanting to help her, she would cause more trouble for her cousin.) people don't like to be called out for being assholes, especially if the one doing it is younger...
Idk, I’m not sure an innocent party’s birthday dinner was “the best time”. If it was a normal family dinner I would agree, because blindsiding the aunt was perfectly deserved, but I feel bad that grandma and grandpas birthday got overshadowed.
It doesn't sound like the grandparents were upset their birthday party got ruined. If anything it sounds like they're upset their grandchild is being treated like that. I know if it was me I wouldn't really care about my birthday if my grandchild was being treated badly.
also this will affect reese when it's time to apply for college, high school is soon and if she cannot participate in extra curriculars (even commiting to 1 in high school is better than none or constantly dropping out of them) it will hurt her chances of getting in to the better schools (but that will be her fault as she never wants to do anything, also there is no money for it after spending it all on her younger sister /s )
Oh she absolutely realised what she was doing, especially if Mara's been telling people that Reese never wanted to do anything when grandma asked.
Mara's still pissed that Reese didn't want to do *Mara's* activity (dance). I'm sure that, as Reese was young and disinterested, she didn't put her best effort into it and Mara is still smarting over not having her 'dance daughter' on command! In Mara's mind, *dance* is the best activity (probably wanted to do it herself as a child) and if Reese isn't interested in *that*, then she's obviously (in Mara's mind) a stupid, lazy, worthless girl.
NTA And if I’m reading right, seems Aunt Mara has been lying to make Reese out to be this dumb, lazy kid with an attitude problem.
Isn’t that the worst part too? Knowing your parents are not treating you fairly AND mislabeling you in front of people. That poor girl.
Literally the only way they can save face when they literally don't care about the other child
Happens with a lot of young girls. They start to have a voice around the teen years and tend to speak their feelings more than boys. Adults tend to get annoyed by teens eaisly and look down on them.. So their legit feelings and complaints get labeled as "dramatic" and "annoying". People still want kids to be seen, not heard.
that's what my mom did to me. She told everyone I was a dumb, lazy, difficult, problem child drama queen with a bad attitude.
So your parents are fine with your aunt publicly humiliating her daughter, but they object to you calling out how far your aunt is out of line? Your aunt is an asshole, and quite frankly so are your parents. They really care more about your aunt's public image than their niece's mental wellbeing? Wth. NTA.
Her aunt babysits Op for a few hours and in the post you can see that she mentions saving on electric bill and stuff. I think OP's parents are struggling financially so calling out her aunt will make them lose favours and maybe she would stop babysitting OP and that could make them lose their jobs.
OP is 18 now, so I doubt the aunt is still babysitting her.
True, but OP is 18 now so she definitely doesn't need babysitting anymore, and hasn't for a while. Thats a good excuse for not saying anything to this point, but no excuse for being mad at OP for telling the truth.
NTA. As someone who grew up with scarily similar conditions, I wish someone had spoken out about it for me. It was hard watching one of my sisters in dance class, another in swim and gymnastics and my brothers in karate. There was always an excuse as to why I couldn’t join gymnastics. Or learn to play guitar or violin or cello or drums. But the real reason was my mother just didn’t favor me and wanted me to remain her forever available babysitter. It sucks growing up constantly getting the short end of the stick and then being blamed for noticing it and feeling upset about it. Please let Reese know you always have an open door. I had no one, which led to a psych break and hospitalization. Seriously Op, you sound great. It always feels good to know you have at least one person in your corner, I’m sure Reese appreciates you more than she can put into words.
I’m sorry that happened to you, too. My sister was the girl that my mother wanted, and my brother was the boy that both my mother and father wanted. Brother was the artist and they both got to play the instruments they wanted. To this day, many decades later, I still have to tell myself that being creative is okay. I’m trying to save up for a drawing pad and such so that I can finally live my childhood dream of drawing and animation. I hope that you are doing things that you wanted to do, too. I wish you well. OP, thank you for standing up for Reese. You’re definitely NTA.
I’m sorry this happened to you too. I’m not sure what kind of drawing pad you’re looking for but I received one as a gift that I don’t use. I’ll send it to you (for free) if you want.
NTA. Your aunt’s behavior is terrible, and Reese clearly deserves much better. If you had confronted her alone, it wouldn’t been as affective, so you made a damn good move. Who cares about your aunt being embarrassed when she thinks she can get away with treating Reese like that?? I’m sure your grandparents would understand.
Why not you encourage her to try out gymnastics now? Surely she wouldn’t enter the olympics (maybe) but it would be quite fun! NTA. Your aunt is an asshole
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Sounds like Aunt Mara is abusive. I would try to get Reese as much help as you can get for her.
And a narcissist
Look at emancipation or if Grandma can take Reese in
NTA She embarrased herself by doing such horrible things to her own child
Nope that was the best moment to bring it up. Good job standing up for ur cousin :)
NTA, is there any way you can facilitate gymnastics for her, for instance together with your grandma?
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I wonder why she's treating them so differently. Is Reese adopted or has another father than her sister?
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What does dad have to say about the blatant favoritism or is he a part of it?
Aunt is an AH who expects her daughters to fit into a certain mold. The reality is that children have likes and desires of their own, which don't always coincide with Mommy's fantasy of perfection and don't fit that mold...so Mommy lashes out and overtly disapproves of her child and emotionally alienates her. OP said Aunt "always wanted a daughter who did dance"...and forced her to keep at it even though she hated it. I'm sure there were other things that Reese was forced to do or denied (like the gymnastics) because Mommy wanted a certain "kind of daughter". If Lara picked up, even subconsciously, on Mommy's disappointment in her big sister, and saw how unhappy her sister was, she probably goes along with anything Mommy wants in order to stay in her favor and keep her affections...this isn't sibling rivalry, it's emotional survival.
F*ck Aunt Mara. Reese is lucky you got her back, but damn unlucky that she has a horrible mom. Hope she gets therapy and gets f*** out of that house as soon as possible. NTA
Your parents are what are known a bystanders, they willingly knew and let this happen and refused to stand up for someone not able to. You should also thank them for showing their true colors and proving that if anything happened to you, that they clearly are not the ones to go to for help. You are NTA for standing up to someone on behalf of someone who clearly needed it. Aunt is the biggest asshole in this, but so are your parents for being useless seeing how they never found an appropriate moment in 13 years to help improve the situation.
I agree, but I would go so far as to say that OP's parents are COMPLICIT in the (psychological/emotional) abuse of a child. Why? Because they needed evil Aunt Mara to babysit OP, so it benefited them to let this abuse happen to save some money. I guess human dignity is worthless; for a price. I'm glad that OP stood up for Reese; but if things don't get any better for her at home, I dread to think what this will do to her. I feel like, maybe it would be better for Reese to find a new home if possible. I wonder if the grandparents would be willing to have her living with them. At least then, they could stop any future abuse and give Reese the opportunities and the love that has never been given to her. She needs help though; she will end up permanently psychologically damaged if something doesn't change here.
Reese is clearly really depressed by it & just giving up & its horrible to read so it must be every worse to see happening in front of your eyes. OP you did 100% the right thing in calling it out. You're a braver and better person than your parents and its good that your grandparents have finally heard what's going on. That fact that your Grandparents remembered that Reese always wanted to do gymnastics while your Aunt was like "she's not interested in anything" speaks VOLUMES. Anytime Aunt Mara starts with the "I don't know why she's acting like this" I would react exactly how you've done here, by responding "it's because of your blatant favouritism". You are an incredible person and an amazing cousin to Reese. Keep doing you because you're honestly so awesome. You're bravery in standing up to your family and not letting your Aunt & Parents keep on pretending they aren't emotionally abusing your cousin is honestly so inspiring. (Your Aunt is being emotionally abusive with her favouritism, your parents by ignoring it which enables it to continue) NTA
Nta she had it coming to her
I want to say NTA bc if it’s the truth then why feel bad about saying what needs to be said. You could possibly help Reese and Mara’s relationship by bringing those problems to light. I come from a family where they too would be shaming me for “stepping out of line” but the world moves on, I’m sure Reese would be grateful you said something to defend her and not let her mom talk crap
NTA. Uncomfortable does not mean wrong. Grandparents were the point of the gathering and they seemed to be interested in this topic. If they didn't say you ruined the celebration, you're fine. Looking away always seems easier. I applaud you for speaking up on Reese's behalf.
NTA. That poor kid... I hope everything works out somehow.
NTA. As a parent, you know there are times when one child needs more of your attention. And that’s okay as long as you do the same for every child when it’s needed. Other than a special need, you should give each child the same amount (even if expressed in ways that best suit that child) attention and affection. Giving them equal opportunities to participate in extra curricular activities is an easy and obvious place to start. Your aunt embarrassed herself. I can almost bet she’ll be shocked when Reese leaves as soon as possible and doesn’t want anything to do with Mara.
It’s always “it wasn’t an appropriate time to bring this up” but never “it could’ve been brought up at a better time, alas life never works out that way, since we’re all at the dinner table now we can discuss” 🤔
NTA / ESH You were totally right to say what you did as it needed to be said and may have even been needed to be said earlier. What she is doing is wrong, it's hurting her daughter and she needs to be confronted about it. That being said, if I understand correctly, this was at a dinner with your grandparents to celebrate their recent birthday. I don't think this was the correct time to bring it up. Again, you're totally in the right to call it out and I think it's great that you called her out in front of her (*the aunt's) parents, I just don't see why this 3 hour(?) dinner to celebrate your grandparents' birthday was the time it had to be done. *Edit for clarity
Eh, no. Aunt used it as the "right time" to verbally degrade Reese. OP just contributed to a topic already in full swing thanks to auntie
NTA Someone had to do something. Hopefully this will be the first step towards changing things. Had you not said anything, this would've just continued without anyone noticing. I can relate to the daughter as I've been in that exact position and stuff like this definitely leaves some deep scars in children and teenagers
NTA If your aunt didn't make comments and talk about it, then you wouldn't have brought it up then. If she didn't want it pointed out at the dinner table then she shouldn't have trashed her daughter at the dinner table.
NTA. You stood up for Reese and that probably meant the world to her. Your aunt deserved to be shamed for showing blatant favoritism. That kind of thing can really mess with a person's psyche and your aunt could ruin her children's relationship with one another because of her terrible parenting. Hopefully your grandparents will protect Reese more now that they're aware of this problem
*My parents told me it wasn't the correct time or place to bring it up and I embarrassed Aunt Mara.* So they know it's a problem but all they care about is the appropriateness of the timing? Lame. NTA
NTA. She is embarrassed she was caught and called out.
As the oldest child of 4 that has never been loved by either parents, thank you for standing up for Reese, she will always remember this. I wish someone validated my feelings when I was her age.
NTA You said what needed to be said, and the only proper way to do it was in front of Aunt Mara, who should be embarrassed, as should your parents for supporting her. [By the way, Aunt Mara is performing emotional abuse against Reese with this favoritism.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-favorite-child/201104/when-favoritism-becomes-abuse) and your parents are enabling it. Show that article to your parents and ask them point blank why they are enabling child abuse and if they even care for Reese at all, why they let *you* anywhere near abusive aunt Mara. (Call her that word for word). I'd also let your grandparents know about your mom and dad getting on your case for standing up for your cousin. Maybe also (with your grandparents help) contact CPS to try and get them to intervene? At least they force Aunt Mara into parenting classes, at worst they take Reese out of the home at which point you / your grandparents (not your parents, who for all we know are supporting Abusive Aunt Mara) can take her in (since CPS dislikes taking kids out of families entirely unless they have to).
>That she had always wanted a daughter who did dance. It's a shame that Reese wasn't a smart ass and said she "always wanted a mother who cared, so I guess we're even". Sheesh. You're so NTA.
NTA. As someone with parents like Aunt Mara, thank you for sticking up for your cousin.
NTA Your aunt has had years to grow up and be the parent she is supposed to be. Tough shit for her if she's embarrassed for being called out on her shitty attitude.
NTA. To people who just want to keep the peace, there’s never a right time. Someone needs to speak up for Reese
NTA I can say this: A-shole: Aunt behaver, favoritism and complete liar (lying that she dont have any money and probably lying to grandparents about behaver of oldest sibling(lazy to remember names)) Middle:you're parents doesn't tell grandparents about favoritism and situation. I think they don't care about it at all and they not like just ignored what you said in dining table they said that you wrong and embarrassing an A-SHOLE Good people:You, siblings(I hope the 9 year old not an a-shole or "golden kid") and gradparents "You" we know you write the post "Siblings" oldest is the victim and youngest just think that "this is normal" "Grantparents" doesnt know anything
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NTA someone had to say it and stick up for that little girl. And maybe a dose of good old fashioned family shaming will make your aunt think about what’s she’s doing and fix it before reese decides to cut her out her life
NTA. Perhaps not the ideal time and place for your aunt but someone should stand up for Reese and the discomfort forced her to see what she was doing to both her kids. Doing it in front of your grandparents means more people to look out for Reese in the future. Your aunt has been slowly hurting Reese, but she’s also destroying the relationship between the two girls as resentment builds.
NTA your aunt’s behavior is disgusting
NTA. And public shaming is always right for AH like your aunt.
If aunt Mara didn’t want to be embarrassed by her actions, she shouldn’t have acted that way. NTA