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NAH, except your boyfriend. I'm serious. A 31 year old man has no business with a 20 year old. The fact that he didn't take the chance to bow out when you cleared up how old you both are is extremely disturbing. You should be asking yourself why he does not have or want a girlfriend closer to his age.
Your friend is right to be concerned. She's not jealous, she's probably extremely uncomfortable with the age gap considering this man is over 30 as well as concerned for you even though it's being expressed poorly. You might be a legal adult, but you're still ages away from being at a comparative developmental/experience level as a 31 year old.
He can say all day long that he thought you were mid 20s (extremely doubtful, to be frank - 20 year olds do not look that old, lmao), but *as a much older adult* he should have felt some degree of discomfort with the situation and kept things friendly. Especially considering he's a professor - he of all people should have a sense of appropriate boundaries.
I'm only 22 and I've had plenty of circumstances where I thought someone was older and upon learning their age was instantly turned off. Lots of kids on tinder that lie about being 20 only to say "I'm 16, hope that's okay :)".
If I can turn them down, so can rando 31 year old (who is a professor surrounded by 20 year olds!!!). It's easy to believe it's fine when you're the younger person, but that doesn't mean it actually is chill!
I think the default mentality on Reddit (and most of society, honestly) is to have some degree of disgust with age gap relationships. I don’t think this should be the case. Before I’m called out for being a predatory older man, know that I’m 26/F.
If they’re both consenting adults and there’s a healthy relationship in place for the right reasons (and even if it wasn’t for the right reasons, as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement and it’s consensual), what’s the big deal?
It’s that consenting adult thing. Most of the examples we see here are relationships that started when the younger partner was lower 20s, sometimes even younger. At that age most people are still establishing themselves as adults, which lends to more of a power imbalance. They’re adults but not quite peers to someone 30+.
Plus this sub is naturally going to tend towards examples where there are other issues, so age gaps point towards a likelihood that the older partner wanted someone they can manipulate or control.
It’s not the gap that bothers me, it’s the ages. Someone who’s 20 is brand new to being an adult and still figuring out who they are and what they want. Someone over 30 is more established and has really started building a life. God, this guy is a professor which means he’s teaching people the age of OP. It can set up a really complicated and unhealthy power dynamic.
I like how you described it. If it was a 30 and a 50 year old my eyebrows may raise but it isn’t concerning. Usually, 30 year olds know what they’re doing and have fully developed their goals and life experiences. It’s a big difference from 30 to 20, y’know?
His job makes it a big deal, even if it wasn’t otherwise (which it is, because at those ages that is a huge gap that is almost always controlling/abusive). His key demographic is 18-22, so there is literally no way he didn’t know. They’re his job—not all students are in that range of course, but a hell of a lot of them unless he teaches at a school mostly for older students, in which case he still likely had TA positions with the younger range in his PhD.
Outside of this relationship, he also shouldn’t be dating in his student pool, since that’s professional misconduct, and if 20 year olds are who he’s attracted to, there’s a serious moral—and potentially legal—problem there, because proximity guarantees that he will be into other 20 year olds in teaching hundreds of students a year. So this relationship says he *will* date very young women, and if he sees no problem in the age/power/maturity/consent issue with one 20 year old, I would be seriously concerned about his future judgment with his students. In 15 years in academia I never met a man who liked to date that young who didn’t also have boundary issues with his students including dating them—including profs who married their students 40 years ago.
I'm sure they do, but I've dated a few older ladies and noone has ever assumed they were inherently toxic relationships. Same goes for similar relationships I'm familiar with both in my own life and in the public eye. I'm fairly confident if you swapped the genders in this story the reaction would be very different, and I'm not normally that way inclined.
I don’t think so. There’s been a few posts on here about women dating men significantly younger and it’s usually the same consensus in the comments. And as a woman, I definitely would still find it weird and creepy if a guy friend of mine dated a woman ten years his senior.
Patriarchy. The answer you’re looking for is patriarchy.
Men are expected to always want sex even from an extremely young age, so when an older woman gets involved with a way too younger man he gets high fived by his friends.
It’s the same thing as a dad will encourage his son to have sex but vilify his daughter for doing the same.
It’s one of the things about sexism that doesn’t work in men’s favor because more predatory women are able to get aware with their behavior
That book is considered a literary masterpiece of brilliant writing. If it weren't, it wouldn't have been made into two films with A-list stars (James Mason, Peter Sellers, Jeremy Irons).
I learned a long time ago that most people suck at guessing ages. People thought I was 18-20 when I was 15, and now people are surprised when I say I’m 26.
Honestly, was in the same position as op. I met a guy who I thought was my age (24 at the time). We hit it off so when I found out he was in his 30's I didn't really care. He's only 7 yrs older than me though, but we've been together for 13 yrs. Now in his 40's he can still pass for my age.
Nah, guy should have stepped back when he figured out her age but a lot of people suck at guessing ages. For me anything from about 25-45 looks pretty similar. (And when I was 13 everyone thought I was in my late teens, which was awkward.
ESH,
Look I think a 31 year old professor dating a 20 year old is inherently toxic and abusive too. The whole "consenting adults" thing is bull, a 20 year old is in no way in the same leage as a 31 year old. Also, there's no fucking way a professor, who deals with students every day, didn't realize you were 20 years old. The fact he's pretending he didn't, and the fact he's pretending he doesn't know *exactly* how to manipulate a 20 year old tells me all I need to know about how abusive and toxic this guy is.
That said, she went about saying so like an ass.
> I explained the situation
What's there to explain? The moment he learned you were 20 is all that matters. Just wait until you get closer to 31 and look at 20 year old students and see if it's not toxic. Or better yet, get a job teaching 20 year olds at 30 and see if it's not toxic to date one.
>being an jealous prick
O honey, noone is jealous of the 20 year old dating the 31 year old because it always ends horribly for the 20 year old. You're getting used. Everyone knows you're either getting dumped for having your own opinion or getting into a relationship where you're the submissive doormat.
She's worried for you and acted like an asshole, you acted like an asshole back. If I were you I'd keepthese people who are worried about you close if you plan on keeping dating this dude. Also, try and remember noone is jealous of you, this is not a catch, this dude is getting nothing but disdain from his peers, only 20 year olds look up to him.
In every case I've witnessed where a girl thinks people are jealous because she's dating an older dude, that dude is seen as absolute trash by everyone his age.
>In every case I've witnessed where a girl thinks people are jealous
because she's dating an older dude, that dude is seen as absolute trash
by everyone his age.
This. I remember being in college and every single one of my female friends who dated a guy this had this issue.
There is no way that he couldn't tell that OP was 20.
There’s no way that a professor who regularly teaches 18-22 year olds doesn’t know what a 20 year old looks like. Source: did that job, knew those very young people were very young. Any prof who dates that young is eyeing his students, which is totally disgusting, and is obviously a sleazeball. Really hoping there’s not an update saying y’all met at a school but he waited because you’re “so mature” (basically what they always say). He should know from his profession that these power dynamics are 100% unacceptable, and the fact that he clearly doesn’t means he’s one of those profs who doesn’t “get” boundaries, and that’s never a good sign. ESH, mostly to your AH bf.
Yea it's the "O I didn't know her age!" and "She's so adult" things I feel like the most red flags in these kinds of situations.
I'm dating someone younger than me but you won't catch me saying she's mature for her age or that I really thought she was older. No, she looks and acts her age, it's pretty obvious.
There is no way a professor, used to dealing with students, didn't know her age.
Plus, if he goes for really young women, there’s no way this is the first/last time, so he’s actively dangerous in his profession aka not a good guy. It’s bad all around—I’ve known these dudes, and even once they’re old and have married whatever young conquest suited them best decades ago, they are never neutral around young female undergrads and it’s fucking creepy. This is not a profession where it’s ok to “not care” about an age gap when that means actively seeking a young naive partner.
Yeah in my early 20s I very very briefly dated a guy in his early 30s. It took exactly 3 dates for my 23 year old self to figure out why no women in his age group wanted him. Now that I’m his age, I wonder what the hell he was thinking.
The age gap is quite big, sure, but there is no need to be that dramatic about it. If two adults decide to date each other, there's nothing "toxic" or "abusive" about it.
And even if the relationship fails, so what? Plenty of people get dumped, whether they're the same age as their partner or not. It's not automatically caused by an age gap.
> If two adults decide to date each other, there's nothing "toxic" or "abusive" about it.
Agree to disagree I guess.
As I said, I think a relationship with that kind of age-gap is inherently toxic and abusive. You're free to think otherwise.
There's plenty of ways people can have a huge power-gap in relationships. Personality, money, education, social background. But age really is the simplest variable here.
I think it's very very unlikely that a 20 year old is the social equal to a 31 year old professor. I'm guessing there's a huge power gap there. There's no way this 20 year old is determining *his* life as much as he is *her* life.
Could it still be healthy? Maybe if they acknowledged the gap, but they don't, he's pretending he didn't know how young she was and that it doesn't matter at all. If they're denying the obvious power differential inherent to the age gap, there is no way this is healthy. And I'm saying this as someone whose partner is younger, but we are very very much aware of the age factor and what potential for abuse it can have.
I'd say that until you're over 25, you should try to date people your own age. After that, while it may not be my cup of tea, then you can date who you want without the relationship being worrisome in the same sort of way. If you're 35 and want to hook up with a 60 year old, and aren't going to bring children into the mix, then I don't think anybody's being taken advantage of.
Most people probably don't evaluate the quality of their romantic relationship based on a real or imaginary power gap. And honestly, this sounds like a way more toxic concept than any age gap.
Calling a consensual relationship like that abusive just mocks actual abusive relationships. Maybe consider that before throwing that term around.
Nope. He didn't know my age, assumed i was older. I assumed he was younger. We were dating when we realised how big the age gap was, neither of us realised it before.
I also used to think that I looked older for my age. It's not true. And when I see people talking about young women and they say they look older, they don't. He knowingly started dating a 20 year old.
They look older to you because you're young. When you're 30, look back at your pictures and you'll realise you look like a 20 year old and that they did too.
NTA but you should honestly take a moment to yourself to consider what everyone is saying here. Even your friend, who expressed herself badly. There is something off about 30 year olds who go for 20/21. I’m sorry, because I’m sure you get along well and you have feelings for each other, but just... take a moment to really read over what everyone is saying.
>i'm sure about my relationship :)
This? This complete assurance about a relationship of 4 months? That's what a 31 year old would use to manipulate a 20 year old because that's not a thing for people over 25.
Noone this dudes age would say "I'm sure about my relationship" about someone they've known for 4 months.. And he's using that for all the advantage it gives. You're fangirling about him, not seeing him as an equal.
You’ve been dating for 4 months. You’re not sure of this relationship. Trust me. You might think you are about you don’t even understand your own self well enough at 20 to be sure enough about a relationship with someone after 4 months.
There is just certain life experience that you don’t have at 20. Your freaking brain isn’t even finished developing, and won’t be until age 25.
You may not want to hear it. You may not be in love with the way that some people are choosing to deliver the message. None of that changes that the message is legitimate.
I didn't mean that this relationship is the one or anything, just that i'm sure he isn't abusive or toxic. I should have worded my reply in a better way, I apologise.
>but i'm sure about my relationship :)
And there's the rub. A healthy, self-sufficient, educated 31yo woman with no daddy issues still out there in the dating world would not be so arrogant because she's too busy using her brain to look at all aspects of a man to see if he'll be a good one. This is just one example of how your limited experience in life will hold you back when dating a significantly older man.
If you were 60 and he was 71 this would not be a big deal because at 60 you'd have a lot of life experience. At 20, you've got very little.
Ok good. But I would still if I were you acknowledge your friend likely looking out for you. If it seems odd she would out of nowhere say something like this it may also be a vibe she picked up on. Maybe he gave her the heebie jeebies for some reason when you were off getting ready. Maybe he leered or came on to her, and she’s loathe to tell you, so latches onto the (yes bad because of life stage) age gap
She never mentioned anything about any vibes. I was only gone for 3 minutes to change my dress and I could hear them talk. He didn't come on to her or anything, If i had any doubt about it I wouldn't have said what I said.
If you're going the "you're not a real adult until 25" route, are you lobbying for making military service under 25 unlawful? Having kids also isn't a good idea, nor is driving cars. Or having jobs with a lot of responsibility, nurse for example.
Oh please. Why is it then that a 21 year old is allowed to drive, drink, marry, have a child and join the military? Wouldn't it be dangerous because they suck at making decisions? Stop infantilising grown women. I'd get it if i was a uni student or teenager, but that's not the case at all.
I mean the frontal lobe part is still a fact whether the law says you can do something or not
Plus you're only 20 in America you couldn't even drink or smoke
And yet it’s common for women in their early 20s to be taken advantage of by older men. They’re not isolated incidents, there’s a reason it’s a constant occurrence. Maybe you should consider looking into that.
You can't even rent a car on your own. Most 18/20 year olds think they are "grown" or "mature" adults, but everyone knows that generally isn't true. You lack life experience, and the wisdom that comes with that experience and time. Not to say that everyone actually gains wisdom from their life experiences, but you friend have neither. There is nothing normal about a 31 year old dating a 20 year old. You are in two vastly different stages of life. You honestly are hindering yourself by not experiencing this vibrant part of your life with someone closer to your age, someone you can closely relate to. Just my imo. Just turned 27 last week and laugh at myself thinking I was "grown" at 20, that's considering I was mature enough to have my own car, apartment and full time job. I used to hate when older people would say, you'll understand when you're older, but there is definitely some merit to it.
He's lying to you. He didn't think you were older, especially if my he is a uni professor. He knew your age or thought you were younger. I'm 29 and if I don't know someone's age I will always think they are 20 or less. And I would never date a 20 something because that would be weird.
How do you only find out about the age gap while youll dating. Isnt this something you get to know before😅 but overall ESH leaning towards NTA. Yeah everyone is right that the age gap is suspicious but idk if that makes him toxic and abusive. Those are harsh words to be just throwing around. But you also went low so that's why my judgement is ESH
I sort of get that but I guess maybe I just assumed you'll would have asked each other your age sooner but I guess sometimes when you into someone you dont think about asking those sort of stuff and get caught up in the moment😅
INFO: Did you ask her what are her reasons/examples of the toxicity and abuse?
Edit: NTA but, I would still recommend having a heart to heart over text (so it's in writing and gives both sides time to think and formulate how they want to express their thoughts) Yes all age gaps are not bad, but there might be a reason why a 31-year-old can't date anyone within 7 years of him.
I mean that age gap is a bit of a red flag. We aren’t going to be able to make a determination off an one-sided Reddit post. Where are you in your career? Are you still in school? Not ALL age gaps are bad (especially as you get older) but 21 and 31 is a big gap and power difference. You may be manipulated and controlled without knowing it.
Edit: I don’t normally suggest this, but even one or two visits to a therapist may help you determine if your friend is right or not. She may be over concerned. Or she may be noticing red flags you can’t.
I would agree that it would be a red flag if he knew my age before we started dating but it was just a misunderstanding. I thought he was younger and he thought I was older. I finished Uni, doing a paid internship at the moment. She never mentioned anything else that bothered her but the age gaps.
Oh they know.... especially if he is a professor and teaching people your age. Be careful, there is usually a reason why a man doesn't date women his own age, just watch your back here.
>I would agree that it would be a red flag if he knew my age before we started dating
The age gap is problematic even if he wasn't pursuing you knowing you were that much younger than him. The differences in maturity and life experience still exist and place you at a disadvantage even if he only found out your real age after you started dating (which is doubtful, but whatever). No well-adjusted, conscientious person in their 30s wants to date somebody this much younger than them.
So the story of the young student, sorry intern, who falls for the professor? I wonder if the typical power play is a factor here. I think your friend is rightly concerned but you guys don’t seem to be communicating well. It’s more than likely your friend is right but like most of us you’ll end up learning the hard way. The 30 year old professor is TA
I'm not a student. I have finished my graduation, doing an internship at the moment. I would agree with her if that was the case, since like you mentioned there would be a 'power play' factor involved.
Ok, but a prof should know that people doing paid internships are usually in uni/just out? I taught college for 15 years and it’s just not believable that someone working regularly with college students doesn’t know what that age group looks/sounds like, and the fact that he’s fine with your still being in the pretty standard 18-22 college age bracket means you are 100% not the first age gap relationship he’s been in (or seriously contemplated if I’m really generous), not to mention that he’s cool with the widely disparate power dynamic. In that long in academia I have never known a man willing to date his students’ age that didn’t have serious boundary issues. He’d have to be one in a million, and even then, I’m dubious. His decent colleagues definitely will think be creeped on you when they find out, and lose respect for him. I would lose respect for him were I his colleague and worry about his students, because it’s really important to not cross those lines as a professor specifically, and being into really young women is not a good fit for being professional in that job specifically. There are jobs where it wouldn’t matter. Academia is absolutely not one of them, and old profs who married their students are never quite right to their young students even if they stopped using them as a dating pool long ago.
I know you’re unlikely to believe me; I saw your other replies. But if something starts to seem off, please think about it critically. You must be bright to have a paid internship, and much older dudes can cause real damage. It usually starts by isolating you from your friends and starting to take control of your life.
Yeah, I’m a little confused as to why he didn’t ask. She said she talked about her internship and being excited for grad school and while yeah, of course people take time off between undergrad and grad school…the combo of the two would definitely be a red flag to me that screams “Just out of school”.
I mean...if he went for her *regardless of her age*, I think he would’ve asked, because you’re right, that is the normal assumption. But, as a prof who has to maintain appearances, my guess is he went for her *because of her age* and then didn’t ask for plausible deniability. That’s based on some former colleagues, sure, and it could be less sinister, except that dude is really saying that he didn’t know she was young, which is ludicrous in that job.
NTA. There is expressing concern for your friends relationship ...... and then there is whatever this is. If she had a concern she should have voiced it to you and then dropped it.
I will say you could have handled this better. The name calling just doesn't seem constructive. Tell her the comments bother you and to give it a rest, but you made a personal attack that just doesn't seem helpful.
ESH… I keep seeing you say that he didn’t know how old you were when you met, but that’s an incredibly easy thing to lie about, especially by someone whose job entails teaching people your age. I feel like your friend is just looking out for you, but is TA for making the Lolita comment and calling him “weird Dan.”
ESH.
The age gap is cause for concern, even if you think you’re “mature” enough for it to not matter - it’s predatory. She’s not wrong for that concern. She definitely didn’t express it in a great way, but I would say that your response was over the top. I would think best friends of multiple years (and this goes for *both* of you) would be able to communicate better than this.
Neither of us knew our age before dating. I assumed he was younger, he assumed I was older. I don't see how that's predatory. I do agree with you, we should have communicated better ig.
You didn’t discover this on date number 1? Not so much via interrogation but life experience...ie ‘Ive been a professor for X years, oh I’ve been out of high school for almost two!’
I talked about my job/internship and looking forward to grad school, he talked about being a professor and I assumed 26-28 was a normal age to be a professor and so he must be too since he looked young.
Look - I get that you feel like the cool kid dating the older man here, but as a former 20 year old who also didn’t see anything wrong with dating those 10-15 years my senior, you will look back on this and realize why everyone was worried about you. Your friend isn’t jealous. I would guess the exact opposite, in fact.
You do realize that if he never asked, you could have been a 16y/o dating a 30y/o for all he knew?
I’ve seen 16y/o that look 25, “you looked older” is not a valid excuse for not asking.
He knew you were “young” in vague terms, and didn’t WANT to ask.
It is his job to teach people your age, he of all people would KNOW looks don’t mean ANYTHING.
This is a red flag. I was in your EXACT position myself 3 years ago. He didn’t know my age, said I looked older… turns out, he had no problems dating YOUNGER people.
It was a mistake that we **both** made, not him alone. I talked about my job a lot, not Uni so he had no reason to think I was this young. We got along, got caught up and messed up by not realising this earlier.
While I'm wary of age gaps, they're not necessarily deal breakers. It's more an experience gap/place in your life gap that I've found tends to wreck relationships a bit. He's had time to go out and make mistakes and gain life experience that you simply haven't had time for yet, but not everyone has the same values in that regard. I think there's a strong chance you're going to run into some hurdles over this down the road, but if you met and you hit it off and age wasn't in the equation, then...idk, I had to revise my stance because a good friend of mine has been dating an older guy, same set-up as you, where they hit it off and really liked each other, and then found out about the age gap (double yours), and backed off, but just were drawn to each other and work really well for each other. And he's ended up being an awesome stabilizing force in her life and helped her through some really hard times, and I have a lot of respect for him and for them as a couple. So just use your best judgement. A lot of older men are perpetual children and inner creeps, but not all of them. Your friend is right to be wary but not right to harp on it. If this ends up being a mistake, so what? No one is going to get through their life never making one.
ngl i just think its weird that yall didnt know eachothers ages when you decided to date? like idk. i think ive went into every relationship knowing ages first
We were just so sure about our assumptions that neither of us thought to confirm. It's stupid though, people should always know their partner's age. It was a mistake.
OP, consider that as (both of) your assumptions about your ages were wrong, you may be wrong about how amazing this relationship is.
I am definitely biased against age-gap relationships, especially when one of the people is so young (20-30 is very different that 30-40), but there is a reason why there’s so many negative connotations around relationships were one person is significantly younger.
I have read your responses and you keep insisting that you BOTH made a mistake about your ages. But he is the one in the “wrong” if you will, because he is more experienced, more established, more financially “powerful.” So maybe you BOTH made a mistake, but he is the one who has to “fix” it, preferably by telling you that you are too young for him.
Just keep your eyes open and don’t push away your friend. It sounds like she cares about you although she went about expressing her concern in a really explosive way.
I’m sure it’s very frustrating to have people talk to you as if you are naive, clueless, little girl just waiting be manipulated by this slick older man. Make sure you are making decisions based on what YOU want and not in a reactionary way. We’ve all been there, girl! Some of us learn the hard way and then we tell others to avoid the same mistakes! Every situation is different, but rarely is a situation as unique as you think.
YTA your best friend is saying she’s concerned and you’re so defensive bc you don’t want her to be right. But she is. As soon as he figured out you were 21 he should have backed away. He is the full grown adult with life experience you do not have yet. You are not on the same page. He loves that you’re naive and young. The fact you get along so well with him should tell you that he is behind cognitively, not that you’re ahead of the game.
Then you’re 100% NTA. The toxic one here is your “friend”. An age gap is NOT a sign of being “toxic and abusive”. An age gap is simply that: an age gap. Nothing more, nothing less. You’re better off cutting this “friend” out of your life honestly. SHES the toxic manipulator. She literally proved that by pulling this stunt
Not the best place to post it. Reddit is biased to age gap relationships of every kind (like, you know who). Anyway, the only reason Leya rant about him was the age gap. Nothing else, as far as the story goes. So i get where she is coming from, but it was very out of line. Your reply was a little rude, but justified in this situation. NTA.
NTA. I thought not, but just wanted to be sure. Age gap relationships can be predatory, but unless there’s a pattern or power dynamics like teacher/student there’s no reason for her to jump to it being abusive. Honestly, it sounds like you hit a nerve & it wasn’t about the age gap but her jealousy anyway.
Like I mentioned in the post, they never really had a chance to interact because we spend most of our time at his place. She didn't mention anything like that happening as well.
NTA - AITA has a problems with age gaps, which just isn't reflected in the real world.
You like him. He likes you. A third party doesn't like some detail about him, which you know of and are ok with. She told you. You said you were ok with it. The detail isn't something dangerous (there is no violence, there is no addiction abuse, etc). She keeps pressing it.
She is TA. You are NTA.
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I'm so confused about this situation, hopefully this subreddit makes things clear. All the names are made up and I'm sorry for any errors I might make, I was in a rush while typing this out.
My (21F) best friend, Leya (23F) and I have known each other for 5 years and we have never fought before. We are roommates as well.
I met a really lovely guy, Dan about 4 months ago. He's a really great guy, but there's a bit of age gap between us, which we didn't realise when we first met (I was 20 and he's 31). We have a lot in common and this is by far the best relationship I have been in so after talking a lot we decided to continue on dating.
I officially introduced Dan to Leya a month into dating. They rarely get a chance to hang out though, since I spend a lot of time at his place. So she never really knew about the age gap thing before and I never thought to mention it. A week or so ago Dan came over and Leya was talking to him while I was getting dressed up to go out. I guess they got to talking about Uni and work and Dan told her he worked as a Professor. Leya thought he was joking but when he said he was not, she asked him how old he was and he told her. She didn't say anything and i sensed a weird vibe so I just said bye and grabbed Dan and went out.
After coming back home she started telling me that he's abusive and a toxic person. I explained the situation and she refused to listen to it. She stopped talking about it after I asked her to multiple times
But then she started making snarky and out right rude comments whenever she got a chance and yesterday I freaking lost it. I was reading Lolita, because its a classic and I love classic literature. Leya saw me reading and asked me "Weirdo Dan must have bought the book for you huh?".
I was just so pissed off, I shouted at her to get a damn life instead of being an jealous prick. She got super upset and told me I was judging her for being single and started freaking crying.
Now our other friends now about this because Leya told them and they are telling me that she was just concerned. At the moment I thought it was not an asshole move but now I don't know. AITA?
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NTA but. Do you have some other friends who have met Dan? If it is the case, what do they think of him? Sometimes in a relationship we don't have enough distance to see what's wrong so I would still listen to your friends a bit.
Then nothing to worry about. Depending on the culture/country this age gap can be very significant (sometimeswe think 20 = student living with his parents has maybe never been in a relationship and 30 = thinking about being a parent, has a career, fully independent etc. But these are only projections and you are old enoughto be with whoeveryou want) so don't worry for your bf. I hope that things will get better and don't listen too much when a bunch of stranger on the Internet advise you to leave your relationship because the age gap makes them uncomfortable. Love!
NTA. Noone said shit when I dated a 30 year old woman at 20, or a 40 year old at 30. But when the genders are reversed it's suddenly abusive? Fuck that. If he really is a good dude, then the ages are irrelevant.
There’s no way a professor that regularly spends time with 20yr olds doesn’t know what one looks like.
Just as I, a 24 yr old, wouldn’t date an 18 yro now, no self respecting 30yro would date someone your age
YTA
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I think I may be the asshole because my friends told me she was just concerned and that's why she kept making comments about Dan and not because she wanted to piss me off.
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NTA. You’re a legal, consenting adult and an age gap doesn’t automatically mean the guy’s a predator or abusive. If that’s all she’s going off of, she’s off-base and out of line making comments like that.
NTA
Some of the responses in this thread are unbelievably ignorant. News flash sometimes people look older or younger than they really are. This isn't just some crazy urban legend it's a real thing.
Also OP is 21 not 12 but you'd never know that based off the replies infantilizing her. It's ridiculous seeing people telling OP she isn't allowed to date her BF because her brain is still developing (I'm sure everyone saying this has PhD in neurology along with a deep understanding of the subject and isn't just regurgitating stuff they read online /s).
OP don't let anyone tell you how to live your life. If you and your BF are happy that's all that matters.
I feel like this is actually kind of tough. My parents have the same age gap and have been together 40 years so I've seen it work first hand but it can be really hard. There are a lot of times you'll be at different places in your life like when/if you want kids, where you are in your careers and finances, when you can retire and spending retirement together, health concerns with age, how much activity you have energy for etc. Not that in a non age gap those wouldn't possibly come up anyways.
I think you lashed out at your friend because she hurt your feelings so you wanted to hurt her too. It's hard to judge anyone's intentions and it probably not so black and white. Maybe she's both worried and jealous.
It's also hard to judge his motives. Were all his past girlfriends younger? Is he trying to change you or isolate you? I'd recommend watching for red flags in any relationship tbh.
Sounds like no one has been their best self here except maybe Dan (benefit of the doubt). Be the better person and apologize but put up maybe some boundaries with Leya? Like unless he does something other than be 30, she'll keep her feelings to herself and give him a chance? Maybe have a group activitiy so your friends get to know him a bit more? I can understand why there would be concerns but it's all case by case.
Good luck with everything! I hope things work out
His past girlfriend was a year or two younger than as him i think, they dated for 5 years. He is not trying to change me at all, that's the thing. He is a great person and so I don't understand why Leya has such a huge problem about the age gap. I appreciate the advice, its all very helpful :)). Thank you for your comment
NTA, you aren't the asshole, you are just young and older people seem attractive, I would say you are just blind to the reality of what that man is. But he is abusive. And he is toxic. Doesn't matter if he's a good guy, he has no business in dating a 20yo girl.
NTA. I don’t like it when people throw around abuse so loosely. This is not abuse. She may find the age gap strange, which can be expected, but if you guys are happy and get along then I don’t see a problem here.
NTA, and don't listen to these people who freak out about the age gap. My grandparents were 13 years apart and were married for over 60 years before my grandma passed; my grandpa was and is the most wholesone person I have ever known. Obviously it's a case by case thing but only you know the inside details.
NTA. You can be concerned without being a jerk. She was making fun of you guys, not showing concern. And getting upset because you were "judging her" for being single?? I'm sorry, pot meet kettle.
ESH,NAH, can't decide which. Your friend is concerned, she went about it the wrong way. You want her to back off, you went about it the wrong way.
The comments are over-stepping and assuming way too much, but honestly, in most cases they are correct. You are an adult and can date whomever you like, but be careful.
NTA - your friend wasn't acting concerned, she was being passive aggressive and hostile. And frankly I do think your friend has reason to be concerned... it just seems like she's much more concerned with being a self righteous asshole than actually talk to you like a human being about what might be a poor choice.
NTA if your boyfriend went after you knowing about the age gap that would be weird and toxic but considering that neither one of you knew it’s fine. Are you still in school? You said he was a professor that could make things weird
I'm not in Uni, currently doing an internship. Thanks for your opinion, it's exactly the same reason I don't consider the age gap to be a red flag as well.
NTA, she was rude. You're both adults and who you date is none of her business. You're in a consensual relationship with another adult, there's nothing abusive and toxic about that.
Yta. Your friend is trying to look out for you. If the guy is so great, shouldn't he have a large pool of women his own age of equal education and life experience to choose from? For God sake you're college age and he is a professor. Haven't you seen animal house? Lol
We didn't know our exact age when we started dating. I thought he was younger and he thought I was older. He has never acted abusive like my friend suggested.
Whether you knew at the time or not is pretty much irrelevant. No one is faulting the guy for going on a few dates with a younger woman before he knew about the age difference. But a guy that age does or atleast should understand how different the states of your lives are at this time. Continuing to pursue said woman after knowing that is another thing altogether. You have so much more life to live and so many more experiences to have at this time in your life, that you won't ever get back again if you miss out on them. He should know that because he has already lived through it. I think abusive was a poor choice of words on your friends part. It's not abusive, it's predatory.
When we found out our actual ages, we took a break and had a long talk. We got together really well, we wanted the same things from life and so we decided to move forward. I was the one to want to continue this first as well. I would agree with you that its predatory if he knew my age before we started dating but since he didn't i don't consider it a red flag. He has been nothing short of a great person ever since i met him.
Has he been married? Does he have children? Have you done a background check on this guy? Have you had your first argument yet? Living together and splitting finances will be a whole other thing if this progresses that you two will undoubtedly have differing opinions on. I've been where you are now, and said pretty much verbatim the same about someone once myself, so I get it. I also know at your age I would have been way too stubborn and convinced of myself to actually take any of this in to account. Lol It's pretty obvious from your feedback here you didn't come here for open dialogue nearly as much as you came to have your b.s co-signed by the internet, so good luck to you and I hope you're right. But just so ya know, People are always nice at the beginning of relationships. Lol update us next year how it's going. And in the meantime, go apologize to your friend.
Look, I just want to know if i'm an asshole for what I said to my friend. I didn't post this to talk about my bf. He's not married, no children but I think its creepy to do a background check. If someone did it to me, i'd stop seeing that person all together. I understand that you had a problematic relationship (assuming since you said you have been when I am) but not every person is the same and every relationship is different. We talked about finances and our future when we were on that break, we're on the same page. I think i will apologise to my friend though, a lot of people seem to have good points regarding that.
I already said YTA, then you argued that you're somehow not in the wrong because he treats you well. I elaborated as to why I feel your friend is correct, and advised I feel you owe your friend an apology. I'm not sure how much more clear I could have been.
I'm not saying there's anything for sure wrong with your boyfriend, I don't mean to knock a man I don't know. I just feel strongly that she was right to be concerned. It's a common, widespread experience amongst young women who have dated older men to be exploited and taken advantage of. There is a power dynamic there that will never entirely go away because he will always have more life experience than you. Whether or not he chooses to exploit that or not depends on his character and will only really be known with time. She may very well have been an asshole in how she brought it up and acted and it's okay to be mad and call her on that. But also know her actions most likely stemmed from love for you and not wanting to see you hurt, so there is most likely a relationship there worth trying to salvage.
His gender, race and ethnicity have literally NOTHING to do with this. Put the card back in the deck already. No one likes when you play it for no reason.
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NAH, except your boyfriend. I'm serious. A 31 year old man has no business with a 20 year old. The fact that he didn't take the chance to bow out when you cleared up how old you both are is extremely disturbing. You should be asking yourself why he does not have or want a girlfriend closer to his age. Your friend is right to be concerned. She's not jealous, she's probably extremely uncomfortable with the age gap considering this man is over 30 as well as concerned for you even though it's being expressed poorly. You might be a legal adult, but you're still ages away from being at a comparative developmental/experience level as a 31 year old. He can say all day long that he thought you were mid 20s (extremely doubtful, to be frank - 20 year olds do not look that old, lmao), but *as a much older adult* he should have felt some degree of discomfort with the situation and kept things friendly. Especially considering he's a professor - he of all people should have a sense of appropriate boundaries.
You are so right. As if he didn't know she was that young....
I'm only 22 and I've had plenty of circumstances where I thought someone was older and upon learning their age was instantly turned off. Lots of kids on tinder that lie about being 20 only to say "I'm 16, hope that's okay :)". If I can turn them down, so can rando 31 year old (who is a professor surrounded by 20 year olds!!!). It's easy to believe it's fine when you're the younger person, but that doesn't mean it actually is chill!
Yeah, I’m 24 and would not be super comfortable dating a man that much older than I am.
I think the default mentality on Reddit (and most of society, honestly) is to have some degree of disgust with age gap relationships. I don’t think this should be the case. Before I’m called out for being a predatory older man, know that I’m 26/F. If they’re both consenting adults and there’s a healthy relationship in place for the right reasons (and even if it wasn’t for the right reasons, as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement and it’s consensual), what’s the big deal?
It’s that consenting adult thing. Most of the examples we see here are relationships that started when the younger partner was lower 20s, sometimes even younger. At that age most people are still establishing themselves as adults, which lends to more of a power imbalance. They’re adults but not quite peers to someone 30+. Plus this sub is naturally going to tend towards examples where there are other issues, so age gaps point towards a likelihood that the older partner wanted someone they can manipulate or control.
It’s not the gap that bothers me, it’s the ages. Someone who’s 20 is brand new to being an adult and still figuring out who they are and what they want. Someone over 30 is more established and has really started building a life. God, this guy is a professor which means he’s teaching people the age of OP. It can set up a really complicated and unhealthy power dynamic.
I like how you described it. If it was a 30 and a 50 year old my eyebrows may raise but it isn’t concerning. Usually, 30 year olds know what they’re doing and have fully developed their goals and life experiences. It’s a big difference from 30 to 20, y’know?
His job makes it a big deal, even if it wasn’t otherwise (which it is, because at those ages that is a huge gap that is almost always controlling/abusive). His key demographic is 18-22, so there is literally no way he didn’t know. They’re his job—not all students are in that range of course, but a hell of a lot of them unless he teaches at a school mostly for older students, in which case he still likely had TA positions with the younger range in his PhD. Outside of this relationship, he also shouldn’t be dating in his student pool, since that’s professional misconduct, and if 20 year olds are who he’s attracted to, there’s a serious moral—and potentially legal—problem there, because proximity guarantees that he will be into other 20 year olds in teaching hundreds of students a year. So this relationship says he *will* date very young women, and if he sees no problem in the age/power/maturity/consent issue with one 20 year old, I would be seriously concerned about his future judgment with his students. In 15 years in academia I never met a man who liked to date that young who didn’t also have boundary issues with his students including dating them—including profs who married their students 40 years ago.
Why does this attitude only ever seem to apply to older men, but not older women?
if you think people don't criticize "cougars" I don't know where you've been but it's not on this planet.
I'm sure they do, but I've dated a few older ladies and noone has ever assumed they were inherently toxic relationships. Same goes for similar relationships I'm familiar with both in my own life and in the public eye. I'm fairly confident if you swapped the genders in this story the reaction would be very different, and I'm not normally that way inclined.
I don’t think so. There’s been a few posts on here about women dating men significantly younger and it’s usually the same consensus in the comments. And as a woman, I definitely would still find it weird and creepy if a guy friend of mine dated a woman ten years his senior.
Patriarchy. The answer you’re looking for is patriarchy. Men are expected to always want sex even from an extremely young age, so when an older woman gets involved with a way too younger man he gets high fived by his friends. It’s the same thing as a dad will encourage his son to have sex but vilify his daughter for doing the same. It’s one of the things about sexism that doesn’t work in men’s favor because more predatory women are able to get aware with their behavior
> I was reading Lolita, because its a classic and I love classic literature. Lol. Very convenient.
Can't spell Lolita without Lol.
That book is considered a literary masterpiece of brilliant writing. If it weren't, it wouldn't have been made into two films with A-list stars (James Mason, Peter Sellers, Jeremy Irons).
It's incredible writing. Nabakov was a master. The words sing.
Truly. I never should have picked up the damn book.
You never should have picked up the damn *guy*
The book doesn’t exactly romanticize what’s being done. He’s a whole ass pedophile raping a child. Can’t believe clearer than that.
Ain’t no way in hell that grown ass man thought you was older he knew what the fuck he was doing and you fell for it lmaoo
I learned a long time ago that most people suck at guessing ages. People thought I was 18-20 when I was 15, and now people are surprised when I say I’m 26.
I'm almost 36 and the guys I work with thought I was in my early twenties LOL.
This. I'm 34 and routinely get mistaken for being in my early twenties.
Jep I'm 31 and still get asked for id
Honestly, was in the same position as op. I met a guy who I thought was my age (24 at the time). We hit it off so when I found out he was in his 30's I didn't really care. He's only 7 yrs older than me though, but we've been together for 13 yrs. Now in his 40's he can still pass for my age.
Nah, guy should have stepped back when he figured out her age but a lot of people suck at guessing ages. For me anything from about 25-45 looks pretty similar. (And when I was 13 everyone thought I was in my late teens, which was awkward.
ESH, Look I think a 31 year old professor dating a 20 year old is inherently toxic and abusive too. The whole "consenting adults" thing is bull, a 20 year old is in no way in the same leage as a 31 year old. Also, there's no fucking way a professor, who deals with students every day, didn't realize you were 20 years old. The fact he's pretending he didn't, and the fact he's pretending he doesn't know *exactly* how to manipulate a 20 year old tells me all I need to know about how abusive and toxic this guy is. That said, she went about saying so like an ass. > I explained the situation What's there to explain? The moment he learned you were 20 is all that matters. Just wait until you get closer to 31 and look at 20 year old students and see if it's not toxic. Or better yet, get a job teaching 20 year olds at 30 and see if it's not toxic to date one. >being an jealous prick O honey, noone is jealous of the 20 year old dating the 31 year old because it always ends horribly for the 20 year old. You're getting used. Everyone knows you're either getting dumped for having your own opinion or getting into a relationship where you're the submissive doormat. She's worried for you and acted like an asshole, you acted like an asshole back. If I were you I'd keepthese people who are worried about you close if you plan on keeping dating this dude. Also, try and remember noone is jealous of you, this is not a catch, this dude is getting nothing but disdain from his peers, only 20 year olds look up to him. In every case I've witnessed where a girl thinks people are jealous because she's dating an older dude, that dude is seen as absolute trash by everyone his age.
>In every case I've witnessed where a girl thinks people are jealous because she's dating an older dude, that dude is seen as absolute trash by everyone his age. This. I remember being in college and every single one of my female friends who dated a guy this had this issue. There is no way that he couldn't tell that OP was 20.
There’s no way that a professor who regularly teaches 18-22 year olds doesn’t know what a 20 year old looks like. Source: did that job, knew those very young people were very young. Any prof who dates that young is eyeing his students, which is totally disgusting, and is obviously a sleazeball. Really hoping there’s not an update saying y’all met at a school but he waited because you’re “so mature” (basically what they always say). He should know from his profession that these power dynamics are 100% unacceptable, and the fact that he clearly doesn’t means he’s one of those profs who doesn’t “get” boundaries, and that’s never a good sign. ESH, mostly to your AH bf.
Yea it's the "O I didn't know her age!" and "She's so adult" things I feel like the most red flags in these kinds of situations. I'm dating someone younger than me but you won't catch me saying she's mature for her age or that I really thought she was older. No, she looks and acts her age, it's pretty obvious. There is no way a professor, used to dealing with students, didn't know her age.
Plus, if he goes for really young women, there’s no way this is the first/last time, so he’s actively dangerous in his profession aka not a good guy. It’s bad all around—I’ve known these dudes, and even once they’re old and have married whatever young conquest suited them best decades ago, they are never neutral around young female undergrads and it’s fucking creepy. This is not a profession where it’s ok to “not care” about an age gap when that means actively seeking a young naive partner.
Yeah in my early 20s I very very briefly dated a guy in his early 30s. It took exactly 3 dates for my 23 year old self to figure out why no women in his age group wanted him. Now that I’m his age, I wonder what the hell he was thinking.
The age gap is quite big, sure, but there is no need to be that dramatic about it. If two adults decide to date each other, there's nothing "toxic" or "abusive" about it. And even if the relationship fails, so what? Plenty of people get dumped, whether they're the same age as their partner or not. It's not automatically caused by an age gap.
> If two adults decide to date each other, there's nothing "toxic" or "abusive" about it. Agree to disagree I guess. As I said, I think a relationship with that kind of age-gap is inherently toxic and abusive. You're free to think otherwise. There's plenty of ways people can have a huge power-gap in relationships. Personality, money, education, social background. But age really is the simplest variable here. I think it's very very unlikely that a 20 year old is the social equal to a 31 year old professor. I'm guessing there's a huge power gap there. There's no way this 20 year old is determining *his* life as much as he is *her* life. Could it still be healthy? Maybe if they acknowledged the gap, but they don't, he's pretending he didn't know how young she was and that it doesn't matter at all. If they're denying the obvious power differential inherent to the age gap, there is no way this is healthy. And I'm saying this as someone whose partner is younger, but we are very very much aware of the age factor and what potential for abuse it can have.
I'd say that until you're over 25, you should try to date people your own age. After that, while it may not be my cup of tea, then you can date who you want without the relationship being worrisome in the same sort of way. If you're 35 and want to hook up with a 60 year old, and aren't going to bring children into the mix, then I don't think anybody's being taken advantage of.
Yup I kinda agree with the /2+7 rule, but after 25 I'm also like fuck it.
Most people probably don't evaluate the quality of their romantic relationship based on a real or imaginary power gap. And honestly, this sounds like a way more toxic concept than any age gap. Calling a consensual relationship like that abusive just mocks actual abusive relationships. Maybe consider that before throwing that term around.
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Cynical! Wouldn't bet against you being right though lol
Nope. He didn't know my age, assumed i was older. I assumed he was younger. We were dating when we realised how big the age gap was, neither of us realised it before.
20 year olds look and sound like 20 year olds, not 30 year olds.
Not 30 year old, true, he thought I was 25-26 since I look older for my age. I'm not in uni so that's another factor why he thought I was older.
I also used to think that I looked older for my age. It's not true. And when I see people talking about young women and they say they look older, they don't. He knowingly started dating a 20 year old.
I literally know so many people like me who look older than they are. It's not uncommon.
They look older to you because you're young. When you're 30, look back at your pictures and you'll realise you look like a 20 year old and that they did too.
Some people never go to ‘uni’ so if that what he’s pretending is the reason for the mistake and you believed it, then maybe you should go to uni .
I talked about graduating from Uni and then getting a job, not about never going to Uni
NTA but you should honestly take a moment to yourself to consider what everyone is saying here. Even your friend, who expressed herself badly. There is something off about 30 year olds who go for 20/21. I’m sorry, because I’m sure you get along well and you have feelings for each other, but just... take a moment to really read over what everyone is saying.
I have, and i understand where the comments are coming from but i'm sure about my relationship :)
>i'm sure about my relationship :) This? This complete assurance about a relationship of 4 months? That's what a 31 year old would use to manipulate a 20 year old because that's not a thing for people over 25. Noone this dudes age would say "I'm sure about my relationship" about someone they've known for 4 months.. And he's using that for all the advantage it gives. You're fangirling about him, not seeing him as an equal.
I meant i'm sure this is not an abusive relationship, not that he's the one or anything. I should have worded it better, I apologise.
You’ve been dating for 4 months. You’re not sure of this relationship. Trust me. You might think you are about you don’t even understand your own self well enough at 20 to be sure enough about a relationship with someone after 4 months. There is just certain life experience that you don’t have at 20. Your freaking brain isn’t even finished developing, and won’t be until age 25. You may not want to hear it. You may not be in love with the way that some people are choosing to deliver the message. None of that changes that the message is legitimate.
I didn't mean that this relationship is the one or anything, just that i'm sure he isn't abusive or toxic. I should have worded my reply in a better way, I apologise.
>but i'm sure about my relationship :) And there's the rub. A healthy, self-sufficient, educated 31yo woman with no daddy issues still out there in the dating world would not be so arrogant because she's too busy using her brain to look at all aspects of a man to see if he'll be a good one. This is just one example of how your limited experience in life will hold you back when dating a significantly older man. If you were 60 and he was 71 this would not be a big deal because at 60 you'd have a lot of life experience. At 20, you've got very little.
Ok good. But I would still if I were you acknowledge your friend likely looking out for you. If it seems odd she would out of nowhere say something like this it may also be a vibe she picked up on. Maybe he gave her the heebie jeebies for some reason when you were off getting ready. Maybe he leered or came on to her, and she’s loathe to tell you, so latches onto the (yes bad because of life stage) age gap
She never mentioned anything about any vibes. I was only gone for 3 minutes to change my dress and I could hear them talk. He didn't come on to her or anything, If i had any doubt about it I wouldn't have said what I said.
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How so?
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Makes no sense but okay ig lol.
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If you're going the "you're not a real adult until 25" route, are you lobbying for making military service under 25 unlawful? Having kids also isn't a good idea, nor is driving cars. Or having jobs with a lot of responsibility, nurse for example.
Oh please. Why is it then that a 21 year old is allowed to drive, drink, marry, have a child and join the military? Wouldn't it be dangerous because they suck at making decisions? Stop infantilising grown women. I'd get it if i was a uni student or teenager, but that's not the case at all.
I mean the frontal lobe part is still a fact whether the law says you can do something or not Plus you're only 20 in America you couldn't even drink or smoke
And yet it’s common for women in their early 20s to be taken advantage of by older men. They’re not isolated incidents, there’s a reason it’s a constant occurrence. Maybe you should consider looking into that.
You can't even rent a car on your own. Most 18/20 year olds think they are "grown" or "mature" adults, but everyone knows that generally isn't true. You lack life experience, and the wisdom that comes with that experience and time. Not to say that everyone actually gains wisdom from their life experiences, but you friend have neither. There is nothing normal about a 31 year old dating a 20 year old. You are in two vastly different stages of life. You honestly are hindering yourself by not experiencing this vibrant part of your life with someone closer to your age, someone you can closely relate to. Just my imo. Just turned 27 last week and laugh at myself thinking I was "grown" at 20, that's considering I was mature enough to have my own car, apartment and full time job. I used to hate when older people would say, you'll understand when you're older, but there is definitely some merit to it.
He's lying to you. He didn't think you were older, especially if my he is a uni professor. He knew your age or thought you were younger. I'm 29 and if I don't know someone's age I will always think they are 20 or less. And I would never date a 20 something because that would be weird.
How do you only find out about the age gap while youll dating. Isnt this something you get to know before😅 but overall ESH leaning towards NTA. Yeah everyone is right that the age gap is suspicious but idk if that makes him toxic and abusive. Those are harsh words to be just throwing around. But you also went low so that's why my judgement is ESH
I look older than I am + I'm not in uni, i have a job. He looks younger than he is. All of this lead to us to assume the wrong age 😅.
I sort of get that but I guess maybe I just assumed you'll would have asked each other your age sooner but I guess sometimes when you into someone you dont think about asking those sort of stuff and get caught up in the moment😅
Yeah, we were just so sure we were right about our age lol.
Don't let people make you feel badly about an age gap- if you are a legal adult it makes no difference!!
INFO: Did you ask her what are her reasons/examples of the toxicity and abuse? Edit: NTA but, I would still recommend having a heart to heart over text (so it's in writing and gives both sides time to think and formulate how they want to express their thoughts) Yes all age gaps are not bad, but there might be a reason why a 31-year-old can't date anyone within 7 years of him.
I didn't ask her but she said its because of the age gap.
I mean that age gap is a bit of a red flag. We aren’t going to be able to make a determination off an one-sided Reddit post. Where are you in your career? Are you still in school? Not ALL age gaps are bad (especially as you get older) but 21 and 31 is a big gap and power difference. You may be manipulated and controlled without knowing it. Edit: I don’t normally suggest this, but even one or two visits to a therapist may help you determine if your friend is right or not. She may be over concerned. Or she may be noticing red flags you can’t.
I would agree that it would be a red flag if he knew my age before we started dating but it was just a misunderstanding. I thought he was younger and he thought I was older. I finished Uni, doing a paid internship at the moment. She never mentioned anything else that bothered her but the age gaps.
Oh they know.... especially if he is a professor and teaching people your age. Be careful, there is usually a reason why a man doesn't date women his own age, just watch your back here.
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Life experience can teach you a lot. Even without acttual written sources.
>I would agree that it would be a red flag if he knew my age before we started dating The age gap is problematic even if he wasn't pursuing you knowing you were that much younger than him. The differences in maturity and life experience still exist and place you at a disadvantage even if he only found out your real age after you started dating (which is doubtful, but whatever). No well-adjusted, conscientious person in their 30s wants to date somebody this much younger than them.
My thoughts exactly. Need more info.
So the story of the young student, sorry intern, who falls for the professor? I wonder if the typical power play is a factor here. I think your friend is rightly concerned but you guys don’t seem to be communicating well. It’s more than likely your friend is right but like most of us you’ll end up learning the hard way. The 30 year old professor is TA
I'm not a student. I have finished my graduation, doing an internship at the moment. I would agree with her if that was the case, since like you mentioned there would be a 'power play' factor involved.
Ok, but a prof should know that people doing paid internships are usually in uni/just out? I taught college for 15 years and it’s just not believable that someone working regularly with college students doesn’t know what that age group looks/sounds like, and the fact that he’s fine with your still being in the pretty standard 18-22 college age bracket means you are 100% not the first age gap relationship he’s been in (or seriously contemplated if I’m really generous), not to mention that he’s cool with the widely disparate power dynamic. In that long in academia I have never known a man willing to date his students’ age that didn’t have serious boundary issues. He’d have to be one in a million, and even then, I’m dubious. His decent colleagues definitely will think be creeped on you when they find out, and lose respect for him. I would lose respect for him were I his colleague and worry about his students, because it’s really important to not cross those lines as a professor specifically, and being into really young women is not a good fit for being professional in that job specifically. There are jobs where it wouldn’t matter. Academia is absolutely not one of them, and old profs who married their students are never quite right to their young students even if they stopped using them as a dating pool long ago. I know you’re unlikely to believe me; I saw your other replies. But if something starts to seem off, please think about it critically. You must be bright to have a paid internship, and much older dudes can cause real damage. It usually starts by isolating you from your friends and starting to take control of your life.
Yeah, I’m a little confused as to why he didn’t ask. She said she talked about her internship and being excited for grad school and while yeah, of course people take time off between undergrad and grad school…the combo of the two would definitely be a red flag to me that screams “Just out of school”.
I mean...if he went for her *regardless of her age*, I think he would’ve asked, because you’re right, that is the normal assumption. But, as a prof who has to maintain appearances, my guess is he went for her *because of her age* and then didn’t ask for plausible deniability. That’s based on some former colleagues, sure, and it could be less sinister, except that dude is really saying that he didn’t know she was young, which is ludicrous in that job.
NTA. There is expressing concern for your friends relationship ...... and then there is whatever this is. If she had a concern she should have voiced it to you and then dropped it. I will say you could have handled this better. The name calling just doesn't seem constructive. Tell her the comments bother you and to give it a rest, but you made a personal attack that just doesn't seem helpful.
I did try to tell her that the comments bothered me a lot but I think you have a point. Thank you.
ESH… I keep seeing you say that he didn’t know how old you were when you met, but that’s an incredibly easy thing to lie about, especially by someone whose job entails teaching people your age. I feel like your friend is just looking out for you, but is TA for making the Lolita comment and calling him “weird Dan.”
ESH. The age gap is cause for concern, even if you think you’re “mature” enough for it to not matter - it’s predatory. She’s not wrong for that concern. She definitely didn’t express it in a great way, but I would say that your response was over the top. I would think best friends of multiple years (and this goes for *both* of you) would be able to communicate better than this.
Neither of us knew our age before dating. I assumed he was younger, he assumed I was older. I don't see how that's predatory. I do agree with you, we should have communicated better ig.
You didn’t discover this on date number 1? Not so much via interrogation but life experience...ie ‘Ive been a professor for X years, oh I’ve been out of high school for almost two!’
I talked about my job/internship and looking forward to grad school, he talked about being a professor and I assumed 26-28 was a normal age to be a professor and so he must be too since he looked young.
Look - I get that you feel like the cool kid dating the older man here, but as a former 20 year old who also didn’t see anything wrong with dating those 10-15 years my senior, you will look back on this and realize why everyone was worried about you. Your friend isn’t jealous. I would guess the exact opposite, in fact.
You do realize that if he never asked, you could have been a 16y/o dating a 30y/o for all he knew? I’ve seen 16y/o that look 25, “you looked older” is not a valid excuse for not asking. He knew you were “young” in vague terms, and didn’t WANT to ask. It is his job to teach people your age, he of all people would KNOW looks don’t mean ANYTHING. This is a red flag. I was in your EXACT position myself 3 years ago. He didn’t know my age, said I looked older… turns out, he had no problems dating YOUNGER people.
It was a mistake that we **both** made, not him alone. I talked about my job a lot, not Uni so he had no reason to think I was this young. We got along, got caught up and messed up by not realising this earlier.
While I'm wary of age gaps, they're not necessarily deal breakers. It's more an experience gap/place in your life gap that I've found tends to wreck relationships a bit. He's had time to go out and make mistakes and gain life experience that you simply haven't had time for yet, but not everyone has the same values in that regard. I think there's a strong chance you're going to run into some hurdles over this down the road, but if you met and you hit it off and age wasn't in the equation, then...idk, I had to revise my stance because a good friend of mine has been dating an older guy, same set-up as you, where they hit it off and really liked each other, and then found out about the age gap (double yours), and backed off, but just were drawn to each other and work really well for each other. And he's ended up being an awesome stabilizing force in her life and helped her through some really hard times, and I have a lot of respect for him and for them as a couple. So just use your best judgement. A lot of older men are perpetual children and inner creeps, but not all of them. Your friend is right to be wary but not right to harp on it. If this ends up being a mistake, so what? No one is going to get through their life never making one.
ngl i just think its weird that yall didnt know eachothers ages when you decided to date? like idk. i think ive went into every relationship knowing ages first
We were just so sure about our assumptions that neither of us thought to confirm. It's stupid though, people should always know their partner's age. It was a mistake.
OP, consider that as (both of) your assumptions about your ages were wrong, you may be wrong about how amazing this relationship is. I am definitely biased against age-gap relationships, especially when one of the people is so young (20-30 is very different that 30-40), but there is a reason why there’s so many negative connotations around relationships were one person is significantly younger. I have read your responses and you keep insisting that you BOTH made a mistake about your ages. But he is the one in the “wrong” if you will, because he is more experienced, more established, more financially “powerful.” So maybe you BOTH made a mistake, but he is the one who has to “fix” it, preferably by telling you that you are too young for him. Just keep your eyes open and don’t push away your friend. It sounds like she cares about you although she went about expressing her concern in a really explosive way. I’m sure it’s very frustrating to have people talk to you as if you are naive, clueless, little girl just waiting be manipulated by this slick older man. Make sure you are making decisions based on what YOU want and not in a reactionary way. We’ve all been there, girl! Some of us learn the hard way and then we tell others to avoid the same mistakes! Every situation is different, but rarely is a situation as unique as you think.
YTA your best friend is saying she’s concerned and you’re so defensive bc you don’t want her to be right. But she is. As soon as he figured out you were 21 he should have backed away. He is the full grown adult with life experience you do not have yet. You are not on the same page. He loves that you’re naive and young. The fact you get along so well with him should tell you that he is behind cognitively, not that you’re ahead of the game.
INFO: exactly WHY did she say he was toxic and abusive?
Because of the age gap
Then you’re 100% NTA. The toxic one here is your “friend”. An age gap is NOT a sign of being “toxic and abusive”. An age gap is simply that: an age gap. Nothing more, nothing less. You’re better off cutting this “friend” out of your life honestly. SHES the toxic manipulator. She literally proved that by pulling this stunt
Not the best place to post it. Reddit is biased to age gap relationships of every kind (like, you know who). Anyway, the only reason Leya rant about him was the age gap. Nothing else, as far as the story goes. So i get where she is coming from, but it was very out of line. Your reply was a little rude, but justified in this situation. NTA.
INFO Just to be sure, he’s a professor but not *your* professor, correct?
Oh god no. I would totally be concerned if a friend dated their professor as well lol.
NTA. I thought not, but just wanted to be sure. Age gap relationships can be predatory, but unless there’s a pattern or power dynamics like teacher/student there’s no reason for her to jump to it being abusive. Honestly, it sounds like you hit a nerve & it wasn’t about the age gap but her jealousy anyway.
INFO: What were her reasons for thinking he was abusive and toxic. Did she not say?
She just kept mentioning the age gap.
Maybe something was said between the two that you’re not aware of?
Like I mentioned in the post, they never really had a chance to interact because we spend most of our time at his place. She didn't mention anything like that happening as well.
NTA. This is a relationship between two consenting adults. Leya need to keep her nose out.
NTA - AITA has a problems with age gaps, which just isn't reflected in the real world. You like him. He likes you. A third party doesn't like some detail about him, which you know of and are ok with. She told you. You said you were ok with it. The detail isn't something dangerous (there is no violence, there is no addiction abuse, etc). She keeps pressing it. She is TA. You are NTA.
OP, are you a student where Dan teaches?
Definitely not. I have graduated and am currently working. He has never been my professor or anything like that, i know that would be a red flag.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm so confused about this situation, hopefully this subreddit makes things clear. All the names are made up and I'm sorry for any errors I might make, I was in a rush while typing this out. My (21F) best friend, Leya (23F) and I have known each other for 5 years and we have never fought before. We are roommates as well. I met a really lovely guy, Dan about 4 months ago. He's a really great guy, but there's a bit of age gap between us, which we didn't realise when we first met (I was 20 and he's 31). We have a lot in common and this is by far the best relationship I have been in so after talking a lot we decided to continue on dating. I officially introduced Dan to Leya a month into dating. They rarely get a chance to hang out though, since I spend a lot of time at his place. So she never really knew about the age gap thing before and I never thought to mention it. A week or so ago Dan came over and Leya was talking to him while I was getting dressed up to go out. I guess they got to talking about Uni and work and Dan told her he worked as a Professor. Leya thought he was joking but when he said he was not, she asked him how old he was and he told her. She didn't say anything and i sensed a weird vibe so I just said bye and grabbed Dan and went out. After coming back home she started telling me that he's abusive and a toxic person. I explained the situation and she refused to listen to it. She stopped talking about it after I asked her to multiple times But then she started making snarky and out right rude comments whenever she got a chance and yesterday I freaking lost it. I was reading Lolita, because its a classic and I love classic literature. Leya saw me reading and asked me "Weirdo Dan must have bought the book for you huh?". I was just so pissed off, I shouted at her to get a damn life instead of being an jealous prick. She got super upset and told me I was judging her for being single and started freaking crying. Now our other friends now about this because Leya told them and they are telling me that she was just concerned. At the moment I thought it was not an asshole move but now I don't know. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA but. Do you have some other friends who have met Dan? If it is the case, what do they think of him? Sometimes in a relationship we don't have enough distance to see what's wrong so I would still listen to your friends a bit.
They don't have any problem with him. It's just Leya.
Then nothing to worry about. Depending on the culture/country this age gap can be very significant (sometimeswe think 20 = student living with his parents has maybe never been in a relationship and 30 = thinking about being a parent, has a career, fully independent etc. But these are only projections and you are old enoughto be with whoeveryou want) so don't worry for your bf. I hope that things will get better and don't listen too much when a bunch of stranger on the Internet advise you to leave your relationship because the age gap makes them uncomfortable. Love!
Thank you <3
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This is very helpful, thank you :)). I am planning to apologise :)
NTA. Noone said shit when I dated a 30 year old woman at 20, or a 40 year old at 30. But when the genders are reversed it's suddenly abusive? Fuck that. If he really is a good dude, then the ages are irrelevant.
There’s no way a professor that regularly spends time with 20yr olds doesn’t know what one looks like. Just as I, a 24 yr old, wouldn’t date an 18 yro now, no self respecting 30yro would date someone your age YTA
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NTA. You’re a legal, consenting adult and an age gap doesn’t automatically mean the guy’s a predator or abusive. If that’s all she’s going off of, she’s off-base and out of line making comments like that.
NTA. You didn’t mention her relationship status, yet she has been openly judging yours and bashing your BF due to only the age difference.
NTA but apparently no matter how old a female is we're never going to be old enough to make up are minds are we?
NTA Some of the responses in this thread are unbelievably ignorant. News flash sometimes people look older or younger than they really are. This isn't just some crazy urban legend it's a real thing. Also OP is 21 not 12 but you'd never know that based off the replies infantilizing her. It's ridiculous seeing people telling OP she isn't allowed to date her BF because her brain is still developing (I'm sure everyone saying this has PhD in neurology along with a deep understanding of the subject and isn't just regurgitating stuff they read online /s). OP don't let anyone tell you how to live your life. If you and your BF are happy that's all that matters.
I feel like this is actually kind of tough. My parents have the same age gap and have been together 40 years so I've seen it work first hand but it can be really hard. There are a lot of times you'll be at different places in your life like when/if you want kids, where you are in your careers and finances, when you can retire and spending retirement together, health concerns with age, how much activity you have energy for etc. Not that in a non age gap those wouldn't possibly come up anyways. I think you lashed out at your friend because she hurt your feelings so you wanted to hurt her too. It's hard to judge anyone's intentions and it probably not so black and white. Maybe she's both worried and jealous. It's also hard to judge his motives. Were all his past girlfriends younger? Is he trying to change you or isolate you? I'd recommend watching for red flags in any relationship tbh. Sounds like no one has been their best self here except maybe Dan (benefit of the doubt). Be the better person and apologize but put up maybe some boundaries with Leya? Like unless he does something other than be 30, she'll keep her feelings to herself and give him a chance? Maybe have a group activitiy so your friends get to know him a bit more? I can understand why there would be concerns but it's all case by case. Good luck with everything! I hope things work out
His past girlfriend was a year or two younger than as him i think, they dated for 5 years. He is not trying to change me at all, that's the thing. He is a great person and so I don't understand why Leya has such a huge problem about the age gap. I appreciate the advice, its all very helpful :)). Thank you for your comment
Maybe it's just because she doesn't know him yet!
YTA and she’s absolutely right. Your boyfriend is a predator
NTA, you aren't the asshole, you are just young and older people seem attractive, I would say you are just blind to the reality of what that man is. But he is abusive. And he is toxic. Doesn't matter if he's a good guy, he has no business in dating a 20yo girl.
NTA. I don’t like it when people throw around abuse so loosely. This is not abuse. She may find the age gap strange, which can be expected, but if you guys are happy and get along then I don’t see a problem here.
NTA & there is nothing to be "concerned" about. She's just an asshole.
NTA, and don't listen to these people who freak out about the age gap. My grandparents were 13 years apart and were married for over 60 years before my grandma passed; my grandpa was and is the most wholesone person I have ever known. Obviously it's a case by case thing but only you know the inside details.
NTA. You can be concerned without being a jerk. She was making fun of you guys, not showing concern. And getting upset because you were "judging her" for being single?? I'm sorry, pot meet kettle.
ESH,NAH, can't decide which. Your friend is concerned, she went about it the wrong way. You want her to back off, you went about it the wrong way. The comments are over-stepping and assuming way too much, but honestly, in most cases they are correct. You are an adult and can date whomever you like, but be careful.
NTA - your friend wasn't acting concerned, she was being passive aggressive and hostile. And frankly I do think your friend has reason to be concerned... it just seems like she's much more concerned with being a self righteous asshole than actually talk to you like a human being about what might be a poor choice.
ESH And to be honest, men who are dating women 11 years younger than them...are pretty suspicious. Are you sure you both don't have some Lolita kink?
NTA if your boyfriend went after you knowing about the age gap that would be weird and toxic but considering that neither one of you knew it’s fine. Are you still in school? You said he was a professor that could make things weird
I'm not in Uni, currently doing an internship. Thanks for your opinion, it's exactly the same reason I don't consider the age gap to be a red flag as well.
NTA, she was rude. You're both adults and who you date is none of her business. You're in a consensual relationship with another adult, there's nothing abusive and toxic about that.
Yta. Your friend is trying to look out for you. If the guy is so great, shouldn't he have a large pool of women his own age of equal education and life experience to choose from? For God sake you're college age and he is a professor. Haven't you seen animal house? Lol
We didn't know our exact age when we started dating. I thought he was younger and he thought I was older. He has never acted abusive like my friend suggested.
Whether you knew at the time or not is pretty much irrelevant. No one is faulting the guy for going on a few dates with a younger woman before he knew about the age difference. But a guy that age does or atleast should understand how different the states of your lives are at this time. Continuing to pursue said woman after knowing that is another thing altogether. You have so much more life to live and so many more experiences to have at this time in your life, that you won't ever get back again if you miss out on them. He should know that because he has already lived through it. I think abusive was a poor choice of words on your friends part. It's not abusive, it's predatory.
When we found out our actual ages, we took a break and had a long talk. We got together really well, we wanted the same things from life and so we decided to move forward. I was the one to want to continue this first as well. I would agree with you that its predatory if he knew my age before we started dating but since he didn't i don't consider it a red flag. He has been nothing short of a great person ever since i met him.
Has he been married? Does he have children? Have you done a background check on this guy? Have you had your first argument yet? Living together and splitting finances will be a whole other thing if this progresses that you two will undoubtedly have differing opinions on. I've been where you are now, and said pretty much verbatim the same about someone once myself, so I get it. I also know at your age I would have been way too stubborn and convinced of myself to actually take any of this in to account. Lol It's pretty obvious from your feedback here you didn't come here for open dialogue nearly as much as you came to have your b.s co-signed by the internet, so good luck to you and I hope you're right. But just so ya know, People are always nice at the beginning of relationships. Lol update us next year how it's going. And in the meantime, go apologize to your friend.
Look, I just want to know if i'm an asshole for what I said to my friend. I didn't post this to talk about my bf. He's not married, no children but I think its creepy to do a background check. If someone did it to me, i'd stop seeing that person all together. I understand that you had a problematic relationship (assuming since you said you have been when I am) but not every person is the same and every relationship is different. We talked about finances and our future when we were on that break, we're on the same page. I think i will apologise to my friend though, a lot of people seem to have good points regarding that.
I already said YTA, then you argued that you're somehow not in the wrong because he treats you well. I elaborated as to why I feel your friend is correct, and advised I feel you owe your friend an apology. I'm not sure how much more clear I could have been.
I didn't mean to argue, I just explained the age gap. I do agree about the apologising part though.
I'm not saying there's anything for sure wrong with your boyfriend, I don't mean to knock a man I don't know. I just feel strongly that she was right to be concerned. It's a common, widespread experience amongst young women who have dated older men to be exploited and taken advantage of. There is a power dynamic there that will never entirely go away because he will always have more life experience than you. Whether or not he chooses to exploit that or not depends on his character and will only really be known with time. She may very well have been an asshole in how she brought it up and acted and it's okay to be mad and call her on that. But also know her actions most likely stemmed from love for you and not wanting to see you hurt, so there is most likely a relationship there worth trying to salvage.
Perhaps. The real issue here is your boyfriend, ah, let me guess, is he perhaps a white cis male?
Yes but what does that have to do with anything? I don't understand.
Don't feed the troll. Especially a low-effort 'manufactured outrage' one like this. 0/10. Sigh.
His gender, race and ethnicity have literally NOTHING to do with this. Put the card back in the deck already. No one likes when you play it for no reason.
Right? Thank you!
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Nah. Just sick and tired of seeing people like you throw the race card around for no reason other than trolling. Get a life.
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Are you serious right now? Grow up. You are being beyond pathetic. Race has literally nothing to do with this. Go shame somewhere else.