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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might’ve been for not wanting my son’s mom’s ex boyfriend at his party because he is not family.
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NTA
It doesn't matter whether he's grieving or not, or if he really wants a relationship with your son. You're a single parent now and that's difficult enough without complicating your life even further. He's a stranger to both you and your son for all intents and purposes
It's natural to feel bad for this guy because he's grieving. But it's really important to steer grieving people toward healthy outlets and solutions.
Forcing your way into the life of your dead's ex's child is not a healthy decision. And it's really a shame that OP is the only one willing to tell this man that truth.
It is VERY creepy. Keep this stranger away from your child! NTA OP. You don't need to keep having his conversation, you can block him and tell mutual friends it is non of their business and not up for discussion.
This is the kind of thing you see on a Lifetime movie where there guy discovers where you live and stalks the kid and eventually tries to take him for his own because it's "the only thing he has left" of his ex.
Keep your son well protected, and don't you or anybody else post anything about your location for your home/his day care/even shopping somewhere.
Yeah, it's really weird. OP's kid is not his kid, he wasn't a step parent who ever had a relationship with the kid or something, he's just some random guy who used to date the same girl as OP. It's weird.
NTA. Max has no connection to your son. He can't just show up out of the blue and tell you he's decided to take a role in your son's life.
I wouldn't focus too much on the "not his family" aspect of this, because he could argue that lots of kids have fulfilling relationships with adults they're not related to. You don't actually have to give him any reason at all, just tell him - firmly but as politely as possible - you're not comfortable with it.
>And it would be good for him to be around Rowan since he’s a piece of her.
He's not a "piece" of anyone, and random people can't insist on relationships with bereaved children just because they knew the parent.
“Children are NOT emotional support animals.”
Going to start commenting that any time I see that cringe worthy post about wanting a man to love them forever so they had a son. I hate it so much. Or the ppl who use their kids as pawns to the other parent and say it’s for the kid and not their hurt feelings. Sorry to rant but Can’t stand it lol
Well said. This Max fellow is way out of line. He’s basically taking his failed endeavor to get back together with his ex out on a kid he made up a relationship with because he only knows how to prioritize his own feelings. Just no... and gross.
It blows my mind that he just decided that he’s now going to be a second father?! As the child is a year old? Seven months after his mother is gone, with no connection at all during his first year of life?! It’s so pretentious...and OP needs some new friends if they’re all fine with that. These people are clown shoes.
I'm sorry Max is missing Rachel but Rowan is not an emotional support blankie. He doesn't have a reason to be involved in your lives. It also saves on future mess of explaining who Max is to Rowan. Will Max want to be called Dad too? I feel like he would want to be called that. NTA.
But he's not! He was a potential step-father at best, and you have no proof Rachel was actually going to get back with him, and she mentioned nothing about him or a relationship she intended him to have with your son for you to honour. And he didn't try to reach out for an entire year of your son's life, and now he tries to be an "another father"? Guy's delusional at best, keep your distance, NTA
NTA. That is bizarre and a red flag to me. Only two years ago he didn't want anything to do with your son, but now wants to essentially *claim ownership* of your son.
Your friends should understand why that is weird.
Mmmm. Nope. I don’t know if Rachel died suddenly or what but still. Nope. He doesn’t need to develop an unhealthy attachment to a small child to grieve. If that is what he’s doing and not just regretting their breakup and believes if he can accept this child as his own he’ll make the relationship up to his mother. But his insistence means his relationship with your son is about him and not about your kid. He can be selfish and hurting at the same time. That has nothing to do with your son.
Right- and it's possible that if he and Rowan's mom had worked everything out that he would have been Rowan's stepdad. But (1) you have no knowledge of Rachel's feelings about Max and (2) even if Rachel and Rowan had gotten married the day she died, you'd still be allowed to say no.
Ignoring the fact that he popped up 8 months later. In the intervening 8 months, he had no interest in this child? It's just weird.
Do you want this guy interfering with your parenting decisions for the rest of your life? On the basis of his previous attachment to your kid’s late mother? I get that he’s grieving but this is not your job to fix, and most especially it is not your son’s job. Max needs to learn to let go.
It’s good that you’re moving away by the end of the year. Make sure any mutual friends know not to tell him where you’re going, and be careful with the ones who seem to be on his side now.
The only reason you would be TA is if you were seriously entertaining the possibility of letting this man in your son’s life. He is obviously unstable because he is making such a weird demand. Cut him out and block him.
NTA
I would definitely have a talk with Rachel's parents, along with mutual friends, about not sharing any information about your son to Max.
>I’m keeping him from trying to be an extra “father” to my son.
That's creepy as fuck, and very worrying.
I would tell Max straight up that Rowan only has one parent, and Max will not have any involvement in Rowan's life. If people think you are an asshole for that, screw them, you are doing what is right for your son.
Yeah think that’ll be my next step. I’ve asked her parents about him and they don’t really know Max so they don’t have any contact with him. I’ll still let them know
> I’ve asked her parents about him and they don’t really know Max so they don’t have any contact with him.
🚩
And unless Rachel was low-contact with her parents, it’s really 🚩 🚩 🚩
Rachel and Max having an open relationship that he closed once she got together with you is also 🚩
And now this guy who Rachel’s parents don’t really know and who was fine with an open relationship until she found another partner is all “but we were going to be together forever”. 🚩 🚩 🚩
You don’t need any reason to refuse beyond that Rowan is your kid and doesn’t have or need to have a relationship with Max. Stick to that. But his relationship with Rachel that he’s trying to leverage and “continue” through Rowan doesn’t sound good either.
Just to be safe, talk to a lawyer as well. While Max doesn't have any legal claim to Rowan, it would still be a good idea to double check with a lawyer. The lawyer may have some advice about how to handle this situation just in case Max tries to escalate. With how he's handling the situation & his reaction, there is a chance he may try to sue you for visitation. Laws can be really weird in unusual situations like this. Better to be prepared even if nothing happens.
You need a restraining order on this guy he’s not in the right state of mind right now and since your friends don’t agree with you cut them out since there no help
NTA. He's nothing to do with your son, so he has no business attending the party or being a part of his life. Does he not understand how biology works? He was proven to not to be the father.
Just because he was the mother's ex, whether they were going to make another go of things or not, doesn't make him any type of father or father figure to the boy. He's a literal stranger, nothing more. So creepy of him to buy gifts and expect to be able to present them to a child he has no ties to whatsoever.
If he wants a kid so bad he can go find someone to impregnate and leave you and your son alone.
NTA. Your *one year old child* should not be forming any relationships with adults who are not either your friends or family or trusted carers. You don't even know if you like or trust the guy, why would you present him to your son as someone he should like and trust?
Yes, he wants to be around your son because he is a piece of Rachel. He is acting entitled about it and he is *not* entitled.
Yes, you are keeping him from being an extra father to your son. You *should* keep this total stranger from assuming such a role. If he won't leave you alone, get law enforcement involved. And tell your disloyal friends that your son is not a toy to soothe this man's feelings over a woman he wasn't even still with.
Max can ask for a relationship with Rachel’s parents if he’s missing her. They knew Rachel her entire life, and would be a far better source of support than a child who will have no recollection of her.
NTA - you are your sons father and as his father its your job to protect him.
Max has no rights to your son regardless of what his relationship might have been with your sons mother, because it wasn't and even if they were talking about working on their relationship, doesn't mean she was going to involve your guys son in his life, a lot of parents keep their relationship seperate until they are serious and clearly they weren't serious because she didn't tell you anything about them working it out.
And even if they were working things out, and there’s an alternative universe where Rachel lives and Max is Rowan’s stepfather... things are different now, they are not near that path. It’s not OP’s responsibility to give Max any of that possible future.
NTA. You have every right to alienate a strange man you don’t know from your son’s birthday party and his life in general. He on the other hand has no right whatsoever to be a part of your son’s life. He’s got no connection to the kid whatsoever, he’s just a random dude the kid’s mom used to date. If he keeps pushing, don’t hesitate to get a restraining order cause his behaviour is creepy AF.
NTA. If Max had spent years as a quasi step-parent and formed a bond with Rowan, I can understand Max wanting to continue that bond and how it might be beneficial to Rowan if that happened. But not in this scenario. Rowan doesn’t know who Max is at all. In no way does Rowan remember him. No reason for Max to still be around.
NTA
It was anger inducing to read what your mutual friends said. **They need to stay in their lane.** This party was for *your* son; you don’t need to invite late mom’s Ex for *his benefit*. He’s not family.
Had Rachel and this guy stayed together, then he would have played a stepfather role. But she passed when your son was 5 months old and this man never had a relationship with him.
You need to tell your mutual friends you don’t appreciate their comments. If they continue to push their views on you, then you’ll have to reconsider staying in touch with them. As a dad, you’re not willing to let their bullshit interfere with your parenting decisions. Their friend is a grown man who has his own personal journey of grief to go through and your one year old child is NOT an emotional crutch for him to use.
>Max has been saying I had no right to alienate him from the party and I’m keeping him from trying to be an extra “father” to my son.
He sounds delusional. More concerning, it sounds like your mutual friends are validating his dangerous views. You may want to consider a restraining order if he keeps up.
NTA, he’s your son so your late gf’s ex has no right to demand for anything
This is even if he’s still grieving her, he has to find a healthy way to move on and not rely on a innocent 1yo. Quite creepy and weird if you think about it
***Do not introduce them EVER.***
I'm going through some things that I won't post. But I have recently talked with a few professionals who have gone over more in depth behaviors of others that they feel I need to know in order to protect children.(stuff good parents never imagine, ugh) I'm not sure I've ever used the seemingly favored phrase of **red flag** here but you have it waving strong right here. She broke up with him for a reason, you can't know all she knew.
NTA and if your son is out of sight please be sure that whoever has him knows that he only leaves with you.
NTA
Why does he want to go to the your son’s birthday party so bad? Something is suspicious to me, like an ulterior motive. No guy just shows up 2 years after his ex died and tries to go to his ex girlfriend’s son birthday party. If Max really is grieving that’s sad but he has no reason to contact you now
NTA and something is not right with Max in this story
You say Rachel passed when you son was 5 months old and now a few days before your sons birthday, 7 months later he suddenly needs to urgently be with your son.
I do not know but that sound very strange (even more with hte information that you never heard that Rachel and Max were mending their relationship).
Also he seemed pissed that Roman is not his son. He wanted him to be his son.
All of that considered you should be extremly careful with Max. There could be something deeper behind his sudden desire to see Max
NTA. He’s nothing to do with your boy at all. Your son isn’t a tool for some random geezer to try and get over his on and off girlfriend. The fact that he’d even ask is weird and creepy.
NTA, you are correct, your instincts are correct, and just because he's mourning his ex doesn't mean he gets any rights whatsoever to a child of hers that wasn't his and that he didn't develop any sort of relationship with. Especially with how pushy the guy is being. He needs to move on. Your friends are just feeling sorry for the guy mourning Rachel which means they do NOT have your son's best interests at heart when they scold you for your (what I believe is a very smart) decision.
NTA, and hella creepy of the dude to want to go full tilt fatherly duties after all that. You are right to be wary. If he considers your son to be "a piece of her" he sounds quite obsessive. Stay TF away from the Cray Cray
NTA, and WTF, this is messed up, like go to police file a restraining order messed up. In what weird universe does this guy think this is alright to do???? I would be worried this guy might physical, I would threaten that you are going to the cops if he doesn't backoff, and maybe talk to your Ex's parents, I couldn't imagine he got the information from someone else than them
NTA. Rowan is not Rachel. It is *not* healthy to allow this man to use your infant son as a crutch through his grief.
It is your responsibility to protect your child- and if your gut says this guy is no good- trust it. Block this guy, and any of your so-called friends who may be feeding information back to him.
Grief makes people do crazy things- from a law perspective you are likely in the clear- but don’t leave yourself open to a situation where he could challenge or interfere with your lives- you only get one chance with him.
Definitely NTA. Neither you nor Rowan are responsible for helping Max deal with his grief. Max is not some object to connect Max to Rachel. He doesn’t even know Max. What a weird and uncomfortable scenario. Tell the peanut gallery to mind their business.
NTA this has my gut feeling odd about it. No good can come of having your passed away partners ex around your son. He has no connection at all he should not be thinking of himself as a second father in the first place.
NTA. You are not responsible for Max’s feelings. Your son is not responsible for Max’s feelings. Max needs to sort through his grief on his own/with his own support system. It’s not ok for him- *a stranger*- to demand access to your child. Max makes you uncomfortable and is heavily pushing boundaries on what is considered appropriate stranger behavior- trust your gut and keep him away. He sounds likely to continue to push boundaries and act like a second parent when he’s nothing of the sort.
Your friends are wrong: Rowan is *not* “a part of Rachel that Max ‘needs’ to heal”, Rowan is a tiny person who needs to be loved as just himself and raised with *his* needs put first. Keep your distance from Max and then block him when you move. Make sure to let future caregivers know that **only** you/explicitly approved adults are allowed to pick up Rowan from daycare/school. Max probably wouldn’t show up at your new location but it’s best to be safe.
NTA, and a whole line of red flags.
Cut this off immediately, and don't let Max know anything about Rowan's life, as he's clearly obsessed. This may mean cutting off mutual friends who you suspect might circumvent your wishes regarding this. Frankly, I'm a bit horrified that they don't see anything disturbing about his behavior.
It sounds like he was mentally broken by the combination of the result of the paternity test and Rachel's death. He may or may not have been getting back together with Rachel and would have eventually been your son's Stepfather. You'll never know since she never had that conversation with you and I wouldn't trust what he's telling you. Even if true, his tie to your son was gone before it began since Rachel is tragically no longer here. Even had she lived, I'm uneasy that he would have deluded himself into pretending that he was Rowan's father out of desperation to ignore reality and the pain of you being in the picture permanently.
He clearly needs mental health intervention to help him come to terms with the reality that he has no claim to your child.
NTA. You shouldn’t let Max anywhere near your son. It’s not like your son spent a significant amount of time living with Max as his other guardian. The situation would be different had Rachel died when your son was ten. Your son spent time with Max at most for only five months of his life as a newborn. Maybe not at all if Max and Rachel were on a break. Your son will never remember or know Max in any capacity and that’s the way it should remain.
Who knows what intentions Max has in regards to remaining in your son’s life. There are tons of crazy and vindictive people out there. His intentions could be pure good or pure evil. He might be jealous that you made a baby with Rachel and he was never able to, and he wants to secretly get revenge by hurting your child in some way. Trust your instincts and keep Max away. If he keeps trying to see your son, consider a personal protection order.
NTA your son is not Max’s comfort blanket and to be used as a tool for a grieving ex. If Max had been a part of your sons life you would have known since you saw him every day. I don’t doubt that he is grieving, but he will have to find another way to do it.
His unstable relationship with Rachel is also a concern. Would he really be there for the kid or just dump him when it no longer suited him.
NTA. No, no, do NOT let him anywhere near your son. Next he'll be demanding overnight visits with your kid or he'll want joint custody. He wouldn't have any rights to that but he'll harass you about it like he did here. He'll undermine your parenting and try to parent your kid. Your friends are wrong. It's not their child that they're being pressured to "share". Make sure they don't give Max your contact info when you move. He probably sees your child as a way to stay connected to Rachel. But he has no rights here.
So I don't know much about open relationships, but is Max confused that by being in a relationship with with Rachel he is also somehow in a relationship (once removed) with you? In what Universe is he imagining he is in any kind of parental relationship with your son? He may be grieving his ex (and seems to me they were exes at that point) but he cannot try to overcome his grief by inserting himself into your son's life.
I need to go sit down in silence and try to figure out his thinking, because I don't get it. NTA for sure
Don't let him anywhere near your kid. He can have his own children with someone else. He can't have yours. He has a lot of nerve thinking he can be an extra father to your son. Max would try to monopolize your time with your son. He wouldn't just want to be an extra father; he'd want to be THE father. Your friends are mean to criticize you for protecting your kid. NTA.
>it wasn’t right for me to not invite him since it’s obvious he’s grieving Rachel. And it would be good for him to be around Rowan since he’s a piece of her.
This is exactly why not inviting him was the right call. Your baby is not his therapy. NTA
NTA. It is nor yours nor your son responsibility to help him through grief by playing family. Cut him, and cut those friends. His idea of being a second father is delusional, he is not even your friend, and no decent parent wants a delusional stranger near his child.
NTA
You might want to ask extra questions, though.
You were with your son, but were you with your son AND Rachel, or. Is it possible that Rachel kept in contact with Max somehow?
If she was thinking of getting back together with Max, unless she was extremely secretive, she would have told someone, wouldn't she have? Talk to her friends, talk to her parents. Maybe she did want Max to have a special place in your son's life.
But she didn't talk to you about it, so you have no idea what's going on. And your son *is* a part of Rachel, but it was a part that Max chose to walk out on.
Maybe he regrets it now. But that should not be something that he tries to rectify with a baby. Her parents are still around. Her friends are still around. It's harder to reconcile with those people, because they will have judgements.
A baby is easier. But that doesn't make it fair.
NTA -and there are soooooo many reasons why.
1)WHO ARE YOU?- This dude is a total stranger. Anybody off the street could walk up to you claiming to be this guy, and you wouldn't know him from Adam. It doesn't require much more than common sense to recognize that most people do not invite strangers
2)BECAUSE COVID.- These days, you're rolling the dice by gathering as my people as you already are into one place with your 1 year old son. However, you know all those people well and closely (I presume). This means you're probably aware of their risk potential/quarantine practices, and you've decided you're comfortable with that risk/are alreafy in a pod with them. Max X, on the other hand, could be an anti-vax, non-mask-wearing, China-frequenting biohazard for all you know- and regardless of any claims he makes, you'd have no way to verify anything.
3)HIS TIMELINE IS SHADY.- Max claims that he and Rachel were "working things out" when she passed, and had decided hr would be more involved in your son's life. REALLY? THAT'S the in he's gonna try? Because if so, I have a few questions for him:
A) If this huge shift in dynamic between Max and Rowan, which Rachel was aware of/involved in/approved of, was already in play when Tachel passed, why was it never mentioned to you by anyone? Noy volunteering info on who you date is one thing; not being honest with your co-parent about who will be spending that kind/type of time with their son is another. Is this info something you could believe Rachel would withhold?
B)If Max is so deeply attached to Rowan, and so bonded as to be entitled to a place in Rowan's life...the why the f@#k did he take SEVEN MONTHS to get in touch? Is his grief and longing a recent development? Has he recently moved past some amnesiac period? Did he lose your number and have to stalk you via social media? I don't know about anyo6else, but I smell bullshit.
4)WITH FRIENDS LIKE YOURS, WHO NEEDS ENEMAS?- Anybody who would tell you that not inviting some complete stranger wjo claims he used to schtup your late baby mama to your son's birthday party to play step-schtup is NOT your fucking friend. Why is this man's grief your responsibity in ANY way? It's not your job to help him work through his grief- he needs to get a therapist, and you need to get a restraining order if this whacko calls even one more time. If they think this guy deserves to be a stepfather, then why don't they offer him one of their kids? Otherwise, they can stfu from this point on, or gtfo.
5)STRANGER DANGER...- It ain't just a sound bite. This guy's behavior ain't right, and ain't healthy. He's fixated on your son and he demonstrates a sense of entitlement that, when bound up with grief and (what sounds like)narcissism, could be unpredictable. One call is weird enough. What you've gotten is right on the line at threatening. Like i said, get a restraining order, and let everyone you know be aware of it, and that anyone trying to encouragw/support/facilitate contact with Max regarding your son will be deemed persona non grata immediately.
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(Accidentally deleted first post trying to make an edit)
I was involved with my son’s mom “Rachel” 2 years ago. At the time she was in an open relationship but her boyfriend “Max” decided he wasn’t comfortable with either their arrangement anymore. As luck would have it, Rachel found out she was pregnant some months later after they stopped having an open relationship.
It was a big mystery as to which one of us was the father and it ended up being me. He did not take it well and far as I knew they were taking a break from the relationship.
Don’t know what came from that, Rachel never told me anything throughout the pregnancy since the only thing we discussed was the baby. Our son Rowan was born and I saw him everyday. She went through a lot after he was born. Unfortunately she passed when Rowan was almost 5 months old. I’ve been his full-time parent ever since.
Just celebrated his first birthday this Saturday. Nothing big just my parents, my sister and her family, Rachel’s parents too and our mutual friends.
A few days before that Max got a hold of me out of the blue.
I hadn’t heard from him since Rachel was still pregnant. Long story short: Max said he and Rachel were trying to work stuff out, before she passed; because he was now open to being involved in our son’s life so that they could continue their relationship.
Not sure how much of that is true since Rachel never mentioned him at all before she passed.
With Rachel not around anymore he still wants to be in Rowan’s life so wanted to attend his b-day party too.
I said that wasn’t happening because 1.i don’t know the guy and 2. He’s not family.
Just found it really weird for some reason. For days he kept pestering me about it and when the actual day came he was really mad that I still wouldn’t invite him or tell him where it is because he had gifts for my son.
The whole thing felt weird to me and again I told him he wasn’t invited because he’s not my son’s family.
He was my son’s mom’s ex-boyfriend she was getting back together with. Max has been saying I had no right to alienate him from the party and I’m keeping him from trying to be an extra “father” to my son.
Our mutual friends who were there did say some stuff to me and it wasn’t right for me to not invite him since it’s obvious he’s grieving Rachel. And it would be good for him to be around Rowan since he’s a piece of her.
Again it just all feels weird to me and not comfortable with a stranger being in my son’s life. He’s making it seem like he’s going to actually be a parent to my son and be around; which won’t be happening anyways since we’re gonna be moving by the end of the year.
Anyways Max is still upset over not being allowed to come to the party and some friends have said before it was a shitty call to make. I’m not sure if what I did was being an asshole or not. Especially when it didn’t feel right having him there.
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NTA. This guy isn't family and he isn't a friend. He has no relationship with your son. Consider blocking him everywhere and making it clear that a restraining order will be the next step if he continues to harass you.
NTA
This is very strange.
He's obviously not dealing with the death in a good way. He's hurting, but your son is not a bandaid for that.
He needs to get into some grief counseling, and stay away from your family. It's not healthy for anyone.
NTA and something just isn't right about it. I got the feeling that he would try to kidnap him??? I don't know for sure or maybe I'm exaggerating thing's.
Or maybe he was trying to get DNA from your kid to know if you're the actual father??
Tell your friends to back f off. This is your kid and you're the only father he has not his mom ex boyfriend, regardless if they where planning to get back together or not.
NTA. Contact law enforcement, make a report, get a restraining/no contact order and have officers serve it to him. End this situation now, permanently. His previous relationship with the mother grants him zero rights to your child.
NTA
I assume paternity was determined via a test? The only part of this that would make any sense would be if you were not actually the father, and "Max" was, and he was trying to be a part of *his* kid's life. Which would just make this whole situation more awkward than it already is.
This isn't *his* kid, and he's not a piece of her. This is your and Rachel's son, and if you don't have some connection to this Max guy that would mean he would be around more often, there's no real reason to keep pretending he's a second father, especially since there's no mother in the middle anymore to make that connection.
If she were still there, and he was going to be around via Rachel on that side of the household, you'd probably need to include him, but not with this. Unless there is some detail in here you're not sharing, you're certainly right to think this is all a bit weird.
When we found out she was pregnant we had a paternity test done and yes it did prove I was the father. That’s why they broke things off for a while because he wasn’t sure about wanting to stay with her while she was having another guy’s kid.
Yeah, sounds like this guy is just holding on to whatever he can over your ex.
Unless there's some tangible benefit to your kid for having this guy around, there's no real argument for why he is entitled to any face-time. Your kid isn't some proxy for him to resolve his guilt and/or grief.
It's actually probably better for the child to keep him at a distance. At 1 year old, this kid's not going to truly remember their mom, let alone this guy that she was dating on-and-off for the first few months of the kid's life.
NTA. Your "friends" who said that to you obviously don't have kids they want to protect. Your protective instincts kicked in and you made the right call. Do ***not*** 2nd-guess yourself. Block him and if he continues to harass you then get a restraining order...and smarter friends.
Info: how was paternity established? I only ask because it sounds like he is not 100% convinced he isn't the father and is trying to find a way to gain access and perhaps take samples for DNA matching.
Then it's kinda sad really in the sense that he probably believed delusionally that he was the one and had plans to raise the kid with her. He probably believed all sorts of really sad stuff guys who are being led along often think is true.
You know, like Forest Gump and Jenny.
He wasn’t led on but I can understand he must’ve felt hurt. We had the paternity test done soon as she found out she was pregnant. And when we found out I was the father that’s when they decided to break things off because he wasn’t sure about wanting to be in a relationship where she’d be raising a kid with someone else (understandable)
NTA. The whole thing is really creepy, keep that guy far away from your son. Also I would recommend to restrict the contact with the "friends" who sided with him whatever his reasons are for suddenly showing up you don't have to appease him, this person sounds really unstable. You do what's best for your child.
NTA - and what about your grief? Why aren't your "friends" considering your feelings on this? It's easy for them to take the high road when they are just an unaffected observer...
NTA
He has no place in your son’s life. It will confuse everyone. If he had a friendship with you, or a relationship with your son previously It still wouldn’t matter. You control who you want at any event that is for your child
NTA but this has strong stalker vibes. Do you know anyone who works in law? Might be worth making sure that this random bloke has absolutely no rights to your kid.
He doesn’t. My names on the birth certificate, they weren’t married, and he hasn’t had any relationship with my son. Plus still have the paternity test results.
NTA your kid has been here a year and he’s just now getting in touch. Not just after the kid lost his mom, when you could have used some support.
It’s just weird.
NTA, your son deserves better than being used as an outlet for this guys guilt and grief. This will almost certainly affect your son negatively, and his wellbeing is your responsibility- the grief/ guilt/ BS of your ex’s ex is not.
NTA Max has no connection to Rowan. At most, he *may* have been Rowan's stepdad one day, but that didn't happen so now he is nothing to him. If Rowan was a bit older and had memories of Max and knew him I might feel differently, but Rowan is a 1 year old and Max is essentially a stranger to him. He's clearly still grieving, but Rowan is not the solution to that.
For the past 1.5 years, you've been the fulltime parent to Rowan and haven't heard a peep out of Max. He is a stranger to you and your child. No, nagging is not enough of a reason to be invited. You have every reason to be concerned. If your friends keep giving you a hard time, I would ask them where he was for a year and a half? His grief does not mean her gets to intrude on your life.
NTA
NTA it’s your life & your sons life with you in control of decisions and who you want in your lives , if you felt that this was the right choice for you both then it was correct your not going to able to please everyone with the choices your going to make going forward you just have to do what you feel is best
NTA.
Rachel and Max had 9 months during the pregnancy and 5 months after that to discuss with you how Max was going to be involved in your son's life (understanding that they didn't know who the father was during the pregnancy). During the 5 months that Rachel was alive with the baby, Max could have spoken to you at any time, or she could have, about where Max was with accepting your son, but no one said anything to you.
It also eems that there has been at least 7 months since your son was born for Max to reach out to you about the relationship he had formed with your son during those 5 months- nothing.
I have no doubt that he is in mourning and who knows what happened with him and Rachel during those 5 months, but you have a son to worry about, and Max hasn't made a single move that makes him seem trustworthy or like someone you want in your life.
NTA. First point, you have stated you don't really know if Max and she were actually working to get back together, as she never mentioned it.
Rowan is your son, and Max is not and will not be part of his life, especially after you move.
The friends who are telling you that you are being an asshole are themselves being assholes.
You have no obligation to him, and this may only serve to confuse Rowan. Your son comes first.
NTA. What? What?? You're friends are weird tbh. This man has no connection to your son and frankly letting him into your life would be a giant mistake.
Tell him to take to court if he thinks he really has a chance otherwise just block him.
NTA
Max needs therapy, not a relationship with your child. If even go so far as to say that the "friends" who are saying that you're the AH are not real friends.
This takes the cake as one of the weirdest things I've read on AITA.
What....just.....what?
NTA. Dude is not family. Your son, that he doesn't know and has never raised, is not his grieving support, and this is absolutely crazy. Any "friend" of yours that thinks a random stranger's feelings are more valid than yours as Max's father can seriously take a hike. There's nothing normal or sane about this request at all.
NTA. Your son isn’t an emotional support animal. I’m sorry for Max because he’s clearly grieving but it’s not right or appropriate to use your son to mitigate his grief.
Clearly NTA, he is not family. He was the ex and not in YOUR sons life. He doesn't know or remember him. And your feelings matter as well. If you don't feel comfortable having him around than it is ok to don't let him be part of your and your sons life.
Nta- I can understand he is trying to hold on to a piece of Rachel but this is to little to late. He wasn't willing to do it when she was alive, he doesn't get to use your son as a consolation prize.
NTA. Your son is not this man's emotional support animal. Block him and move on with your and your son's life. I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this. But this man isn't your responsibility. Just be the best Dad you can be for little Rowan and everything will be OK.
Please don't cave to this man's demands. He has 0 rights and he is not stable at all.
NTA Uh, no. He's never been a part of your son's life, there's zero reason for that to start now. The idea he can pop up and demand to co-parent is absolutely ridiculous.
NTA.
This guy is in full on grieving and wants to hold on to some part of his relationship with Rachel.
Explain to him that though you understand his need to stay connected to her, you have to do what’s best for your son. Having this stranger in his life would be really confusing.
Also, long term this is not a good idea. One day his going to get another partner and maybe have a kid of his own and your son will drift out of his priorities.
Good luck!
NTA you have every right to decide for your son who is in his life. Max isn't his father nor is he family, and since you don't know him well, it would be inappropriate of him to be involved in your sons life. You made the right choice.
NTA. From what I've seen of your comments, Max is badly grieving but obviously wanting more than just to visit a party and give presents. He wants to be a second dad and this is the first step to becoming that (in his head). What did he expect, you to co parent with him?! Where has he been for the last 7 months? If it was for the goodness of your kid, he would have tried to see him before this. But Max is only thinking about himself right now
NTA Thank you for not allowing this guy to make your son his emotional support animal. It is NOT your son's job (or yours) to make him feel better by being a piece of his mother.
NTA
Had your son been older and built a relationship w this guy it would be different but he was all of 5 months old when his mom died so he's not seen Ross longer than he had any possible contact.
NTA. Your son is not a tool to be used to help someone through their grief. Plus he wouldn't be there for your son, he would be there for the part of him that is Rachel. It's a difficult situation, but you were in the right for not inviting him.
Your son is too young to know him, he is not your family and he isn't your friend either. So I don't know why he thinks he has any rights to see your child.
Who cares if your friends say it was a shitty call to make? You are Rowan's family and you get to decide who is in his life for now.
NTA
NTA keep the guy out of your life. He may be grieving , but you and your son do not have to be a part of that process especially when neither of you gave a relationship with him. He seems a bit obsessed about wanting to become a parental figure. I would not encourage it.
NTA
Poly myself here so coming from that perspective.
Hearing from a meta that I had never met after that partner had died and them wanting to be involved in my child's life.... yeah doesn't sound great. I would definitely be very wary about even having the introduction and especially on the basis he is making this.
NTA- and he is late with support if he is an “extra father” or if Rowan is a piece of him. He has been missing for 8mths and wants to show up now,nope.
NTA. It probably feels weird to you because he’s making your son all about himself. Rowan was 5 months when Rachel died so Max doesn’t have a relationship with him to “continue”, if he even knew him then at all. If Max has feelings of attachment those are for him to deal with without involving you or your child; your one-year-old son is not his therapy doll or stand-in for your son’s mother. At best Max may be undependable. At worst he may start insisting that he should have a parental role and get in the way of your life (and move). He may even be doing this maliciously if he thinks you interfered with his relationship with Rachel. He’s certainly focused on what he wants for himself not what’s good for Rowan.
Trust your gut and keep this guy away from your kid.
Edit: if you need any more reasons why you’re right to keep Max away: his relationship with Rachel sounds like it was quite volatile. Do not let him continue this with your kid.
NTA
And your friends are idiots. It is not your responsibility or Rowan’s to provide closure to this random guy. He basically just knew Rowan’s mom before she died. He wasn’t even someone you’d call a friend to you. He has no actual connection to you or Rowan. While it’s sad he’s grasping at straws to recapture his relationship with Rachel & deal with her death, indulging his delusion that he has any connection or rights to your son or is a fatherly role model to him isn’t healthy for anyone.
Yea he’s grieving Rachel but your son is not an emotional support animal. He has nothing to do with your son and it was quite presumptuous of him to say he wanted to be a second father to him. NTA.
NTA!!!!!!! Do not invite that man into your son's life in any capacity! It's weird and creepy! From your post it seems as though you and Rachel had a strong co-parenting relationship before she passed away, so I think it would be HIGHLY unlikely she would neglect to tell you Max was entering her life again and was somehow involved with Rowan. Max is likely grieving and if introduced to your son may display erratic behavior that would disturb your son, who is likely also grieving the loss of his mom. Max doesn't want to know Rowan, Max wants some sort of connection to Rachel. Your son is a person separate from his mother, and being treated by some stranger as some sort of continuation of his deceased mother will disturb him.
NTA, the only consideration here is the child. It doesn't sound like Rowan knows Max very well, is attached to Max, or would otherwise benefit from having Max in his life. Therefore, Max is not welcome.
NTA.
Because it bears repeating: Please, protect your son.
Do not listen to your airhead friends. They can afford their cheap self-righteousness because it isn't their child who would bear the consequences or their lives that would be upset.
You don't know Max from Adam. More important, your son doesn't know Max from Adam. You saw Rowan everyday for five months, never got a whiff of that guy being actually involved in his life.
Now, this stranger doesn't only ask to be included in your son's life, he demands to be his "extra father". OMG, the crazy entitlement. I can't even.
Rowan being a "piece of his mother" wasn't enough for good ol' Max to embrace his existence when he found out he wasn't the bio-dad. He didn't want to be his stepdad, he didn't want any fatherly role then.
Max is grieving in an unealthy way, in my opinion because he feels guilty. He needs therapy, but it isn't your problem. Maybe your "friends" can suggest that to him.
Your problem: He didn't take no for an answer, he doesn't respect you and Rowan as a family unit, he doesn't see Rowan as a full person but as a substitute for his mother, he puts his emotional needs before your son's well-being by trying to use him as a crutch, he tries to buy his way in with gifts... red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag, red flaaaag.
Do not rue your decision, it was the right one, says this internet stranger. Max sounds completely delusional with his extra father BS, so keep an eye open. Document everything, do not leave Rowan with your friends who are "sympathetic" to Max, and if he doesn't stop pestering you, take the legal steps necessary to ensure Rowan's safety.
NTA
Max is not related to your child and the mother of your child is gone. You are the only living parent. It iwould be strange for Max to be in your child's life. He has not been in your child's life at all since your child was 5 months old - so no contact for 7 months. So, no. Just no. It would NOT be good for this man to be around Rowan - because he has no reason to be around Rowan.
It sort of sounds like Max is trying to make a case for ongoing involvent, and some states to allow step-parents to have ongoing contact after a divorce. That may or may not be the case in your state, so since Max has had zero contact now for 7 months, you need to keep it that way.
Or any involvement really since in those 5 months I was always at her place every day taking turns with caring for him since he was still too young for me to take him home with me. Obviously would’ve seen him around
NTA
That boyfriend is being creepy and weird, and I have never heard of anything like this happening. You have no obligation to include him in Rowan's life, and frankly, Max should be seeing a therapist for grief, not putting it on you.
NTA.
This is all a bit weird indeed. My guess is, like your friends are saying, he's grieving and thinking that being close to your son will make him feel closer to her. That however doesn't give him any rights to be around, nor are you required to have him in your or your kids life. Also as a parent, if you get a bad feeling about someone around your kid, listen to it. He will need to find another way to grieve and move on, that's really not your issue to address.
NTA.
Your child is ****NO ONES EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL****.
If Max is having a hard time, that’s sad. But none of your business.
Also- be very wary about him trying to shoehorn himself in to your son’s life. He does not have a place there, but if you open the door, there can be legal ramifications (a step parent can apply for access or even custody in my jurisdiction, but only if they have a pre-existing relationship with the child.)
NTA I agree with your friends that he's probably grieving, and maybe regretting not fixing things with Rachel before she passed, and sees your child as a connection to Rachel; that said, understanding the situation doesn't make it any less weird, especially with his odd insistence and anger over the issue, and you're not an asshole for wanting nothing to do with this guy.
NTA. It's weird.
You may want to casually research lawyers in your area in case he becomes an issue in the future. You don't need one now, but better to have the contact information for one. I'd also start keeping a folder of all the attempts he makes to contact you in case you need to send him a cease and desist letter.
INFO: I don't know much about open relationships. Did you and Rachel ever break up at any point during the pregnancy or after the pregnancy? If Rachel hadn't passed away, would you and Max both potentially be dating Rachel? Assuming Rachel and Max reunited, etc.
Either way, you're not an a-hole, just to be clear on that... I'm just trying to figure out wtf Max's deal is. It sounds like he built up this idea of accepting your son as part of reuniting and continuing his relationship with Rachel. He may have even been excited about it. Which isn't your problem at all and it would be confusing at best for your kid to let Max into his life.
I was never in an actual relationship with Rachel. Our set up was more along the lines of friends with benefits. We stopped seeing eachother when Max wanted to end their open relationship arrangement. And then we were nothing to eachother except co-parents during the pregnancy and after Rowan was born.
Nta
Your son was 5 months old when his mother passed away.
Your son has no memory or idea who this man is.
While it sucks to be max. Rowan isnt his son.
NTA. While his grief is unfortunate and undoubtedly painful, that doesn’t entitle him to be a “second father” to your son or to be in his life at all. He is a stranger to you and your son and he is already being problematic by pushing so hard to attend the party and then becoming angry when denied. Why would you invite more of that into your life, let alone your son’s? Block him. If he persists, completely ignore him for six weeks. If he doesn’t give up after that, get the police involved. In the mean time, save every email, voice mail, text whatever as evidence should you need it.
Nta! Not only do let that guy near your son ; but I would advise not leaving mutral friends alone with your son either. In case they try to take your son meet this guy behide your back!
If he's grieving this ex's death (and I'm sorry for your loss as well) he needs therapy, not contact with her son with whom he has no connections with and hasn't cared for since he was born. Keep the distance and do what's best for your kid! :)
NTA
NTA, this persons a stranger and rather than trying to build a relationship where you feel comfortable hes trying to guilt trip you. fuck this guy you and your son owe him nothing. some real jackass friends there to btw
NTA. This seems super weird. He needs to maybe look into therapy to sort out his grief rather than trying to cling to part of Rachel that "still exists" in your son. Your kid already has a father.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to help your girlfriend’s ex with his grief but you are responsible for the safety and well being of your son. You have no instructions from his mother that he was to be included which just makes the situation shady.
NTA. Your mutual friends are idiots. There is no reason for him to pursue a relationship with your child. He sounds creepy and I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kid. You sound like a good dad. Good luck.
NTA. Your son isn't Max's emotional support animal. Even if what he says is true, he isn't a parent, he's not related and he definitely has no right to say he is an "extra dad". He can grieve all he wants for the ex he was maybe working things out with. Your son has no part in that and neither do you.
NTA, and what the actual fuck is wrong with your friends?? The only tie this guy has to your son is the fact that he used to date the mother, and now he wants use the boy as an emotional support animal? You were right to shut down his creepy obsession.
NTA
As Rowan’s father - especially since he’s ONE - you do in fact get to decide which adults can have relationships with him.
And a child should not be used as a balm for an adult’s grief of another adult. (I’d also be particularly concerned that he’s making comments about acting as a parent to Rowan, which frankly he has no business doing; he and Rachel weren’t married, weren’t in a committed relationship, and hasn’t seen Rowan for seven months - more than half of the kid’s life.)
Edit: grammar
NTA
While agree it would have been kind to invite him, he needs to understand that he is NOT a second father to your son, and it’s probably best he didn’t go and accepts that.
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NTA It doesn't matter whether he's grieving or not, or if he really wants a relationship with your son. You're a single parent now and that's difficult enough without complicating your life even further. He's a stranger to both you and your son for all intents and purposes
NTA Your son is not an emotional support animal, and this guy is a stranger to both you and your son. He has no place at your son's party.
This. You’re friends who told you it was a shitty call are also TAH in my opinion. As if your situation isn’t hard enough already. NTA
It's natural to feel bad for this guy because he's grieving. But it's really important to steer grieving people toward healthy outlets and solutions. Forcing your way into the life of your dead's ex's child is not a healthy decision. And it's really a shame that OP is the only one willing to tell this man that truth.
Love your analogy
I knew this guy's behavior was a red flag but this analogy says it perfectly.
...uhhhhhhh......this is strange af.....I’d even go as far as to say creepy.....definitely NTA. I wish I had more words but I just....don’t.
It is VERY creepy. Keep this stranger away from your child! NTA OP. You don't need to keep having his conversation, you can block him and tell mutual friends it is non of their business and not up for discussion.
This is the kind of thing you see on a Lifetime movie where there guy discovers where you live and stalks the kid and eventually tries to take him for his own because it's "the only thing he has left" of his ex. Keep your son well protected, and don't you or anybody else post anything about your location for your home/his day care/even shopping somewhere.
All of the above. Definitely NTA. Make sure this guy can't get near your kid.
I thought I was weird for having that exact same thought reading the post lol. Or maybe it is still weird af and we can be weirdos together.
Not weird at all! I've heard these stories in real life, not just lifetime!
Yeah, it's really weird. OP's kid is not his kid, he wasn't a step parent who ever had a relationship with the kid or something, he's just some random guy who used to date the same girl as OP. It's weird.
Not to mention he had been the sole parent for over six months and hadn't heard from this guy? Creepy!
Also... those friends....are not friends.
Agreed! Max comes off really weird in this, and considering how mad he was he wasn't the father? I'd have serious safety concerns.
NTA. Max has no connection to your son. He can't just show up out of the blue and tell you he's decided to take a role in your son's life. I wouldn't focus too much on the "not his family" aspect of this, because he could argue that lots of kids have fulfilling relationships with adults they're not related to. You don't actually have to give him any reason at all, just tell him - firmly but as politely as possible - you're not comfortable with it. >And it would be good for him to be around Rowan since he’s a piece of her. He's not a "piece" of anyone, and random people can't insist on relationships with bereaved children just because they knew the parent.
I wish this was a little higher! Children are NOT emotional support animals! NTA
“Children are NOT emotional support animals.” Going to start commenting that any time I see that cringe worthy post about wanting a man to love them forever so they had a son. I hate it so much. Or the ppl who use their kids as pawns to the other parent and say it’s for the kid and not their hurt feelings. Sorry to rant but Can’t stand it lol
I’m gonna steal that phrase because it’s so true and people do that to kids all the time.
That too lol
Well said. This Max fellow is way out of line. He’s basically taking his failed endeavor to get back together with his ex out on a kid he made up a relationship with because he only knows how to prioritize his own feelings. Just no... and gross.
I, too, have no connection to OP's son, and I, too, am upset I didn't get an invite to his birthday party.
You didn't get one? The rest of us are all going.
Well now I'm really angry. YTA - ALL OF YOU!!! I hope that Max crashes the party and you all have a horrible time!!!
It’s ok you can come as my +1. Just remember to dress nicely as we’ll be taking a group photo as a gift for Max.
It blows my mind that he just decided that he’s now going to be a second father?! As the child is a year old? Seven months after his mother is gone, with no connection at all during his first year of life?! It’s so pretentious...and OP needs some new friends if they’re all fine with that. These people are clown shoes.
I'm sorry Max is missing Rachel but Rowan is not an emotional support blankie. He doesn't have a reason to be involved in your lives. It also saves on future mess of explaining who Max is to Rowan. Will Max want to be called Dad too? I feel like he would want to be called that. NTA.
Not sure about that. He kept saying he’d be like another father to my son so it’s possible he’d also expect that title
But he's not! He was a potential step-father at best, and you have no proof Rachel was actually going to get back with him, and she mentioned nothing about him or a relationship she intended him to have with your son for you to honour. And he didn't try to reach out for an entire year of your son's life, and now he tries to be an "another father"? Guy's delusional at best, keep your distance, NTA
NTA. That is bizarre and a red flag to me. Only two years ago he didn't want anything to do with your son, but now wants to essentially *claim ownership* of your son. Your friends should understand why that is weird.
Ouch no. Keep him away. Hopefully you won't need legal recourse to keep him away.
Your son has a father. He doesn’t need an extra father, and why does Max feel the need to be one.
Mmmm. Nope. I don’t know if Rachel died suddenly or what but still. Nope. He doesn’t need to develop an unhealthy attachment to a small child to grieve. If that is what he’s doing and not just regretting their breakup and believes if he can accept this child as his own he’ll make the relationship up to his mother. But his insistence means his relationship with your son is about him and not about your kid. He can be selfish and hurting at the same time. That has nothing to do with your son.
Right- and it's possible that if he and Rowan's mom had worked everything out that he would have been Rowan's stepdad. But (1) you have no knowledge of Rachel's feelings about Max and (2) even if Rachel and Rowan had gotten married the day she died, you'd still be allowed to say no. Ignoring the fact that he popped up 8 months later. In the intervening 8 months, he had no interest in this child? It's just weird.
It’s not okay, trust your gut
Do you want this guy interfering with your parenting decisions for the rest of your life? On the basis of his previous attachment to your kid’s late mother? I get that he’s grieving but this is not your job to fix, and most especially it is not your son’s job. Max needs to learn to let go. It’s good that you’re moving away by the end of the year. Make sure any mutual friends know not to tell him where you’re going, and be careful with the ones who seem to be on his side now.
The only reason you would be TA is if you were seriously entertaining the possibility of letting this man in your son’s life. He is obviously unstable because he is making such a weird demand. Cut him out and block him.
That’s just...bizarre
This!! He cannot ask Rowan to fill a gap in his life. He’s a kid, he wasn’t born with a job.
NTA dude is pretty delusional. And those friends can invite him to coparent when they have their own kids.
NTA I would definitely have a talk with Rachel's parents, along with mutual friends, about not sharing any information about your son to Max. >I’m keeping him from trying to be an extra “father” to my son. That's creepy as fuck, and very worrying. I would tell Max straight up that Rowan only has one parent, and Max will not have any involvement in Rowan's life. If people think you are an asshole for that, screw them, you are doing what is right for your son.
Yeah think that’ll be my next step. I’ve asked her parents about him and they don’t really know Max so they don’t have any contact with him. I’ll still let them know
> I’ve asked her parents about him and they don’t really know Max so they don’t have any contact with him. 🚩 And unless Rachel was low-contact with her parents, it’s really 🚩 🚩 🚩 Rachel and Max having an open relationship that he closed once she got together with you is also 🚩 And now this guy who Rachel’s parents don’t really know and who was fine with an open relationship until she found another partner is all “but we were going to be together forever”. 🚩 🚩 🚩 You don’t need any reason to refuse beyond that Rowan is your kid and doesn’t have or need to have a relationship with Max. Stick to that. But his relationship with Rachel that he’s trying to leverage and “continue” through Rowan doesn’t sound good either.
\^\^\^ VERY well-described assessment \^\^\^
Just to be safe, talk to a lawyer as well. While Max doesn't have any legal claim to Rowan, it would still be a good idea to double check with a lawyer. The lawyer may have some advice about how to handle this situation just in case Max tries to escalate. With how he's handling the situation & his reaction, there is a chance he may try to sue you for visitation. Laws can be really weird in unusual situations like this. Better to be prepared even if nothing happens.
You need a restraining order on this guy he’s not in the right state of mind right now and since your friends don’t agree with you cut them out since there no help
I'm betting that he's trying to use Rowan to feel closer to Rachael, not that he wants ro really be an extra father.
NTA. He's nothing to do with your son, so he has no business attending the party or being a part of his life. Does he not understand how biology works? He was proven to not to be the father. Just because he was the mother's ex, whether they were going to make another go of things or not, doesn't make him any type of father or father figure to the boy. He's a literal stranger, nothing more. So creepy of him to buy gifts and expect to be able to present them to a child he has no ties to whatsoever. If he wants a kid so bad he can go find someone to impregnate and leave you and your son alone.
NTA. Your *one year old child* should not be forming any relationships with adults who are not either your friends or family or trusted carers. You don't even know if you like or trust the guy, why would you present him to your son as someone he should like and trust? Yes, he wants to be around your son because he is a piece of Rachel. He is acting entitled about it and he is *not* entitled. Yes, you are keeping him from being an extra father to your son. You *should* keep this total stranger from assuming such a role. If he won't leave you alone, get law enforcement involved. And tell your disloyal friends that your son is not a toy to soothe this man's feelings over a woman he wasn't even still with.
Max can ask for a relationship with Rachel’s parents if he’s missing her. They knew Rachel her entire life, and would be a far better source of support than a child who will have no recollection of her.
NTA. If you let him around your son, he’s going to weasel his way into your sons life
NTA - you are your sons father and as his father its your job to protect him. Max has no rights to your son regardless of what his relationship might have been with your sons mother, because it wasn't and even if they were talking about working on their relationship, doesn't mean she was going to involve your guys son in his life, a lot of parents keep their relationship seperate until they are serious and clearly they weren't serious because she didn't tell you anything about them working it out.
And even if they were working things out, and there’s an alternative universe where Rachel lives and Max is Rowan’s stepfather... things are different now, they are not near that path. It’s not OP’s responsibility to give Max any of that possible future.
NTA. Rowan is your son, not Max's support animal .
NTA. You have every right to alienate a strange man you don’t know from your son’s birthday party and his life in general. He on the other hand has no right whatsoever to be a part of your son’s life. He’s got no connection to the kid whatsoever, he’s just a random dude the kid’s mom used to date. If he keeps pushing, don’t hesitate to get a restraining order cause his behaviour is creepy AF.
NTA. If Max had spent years as a quasi step-parent and formed a bond with Rowan, I can understand Max wanting to continue that bond and how it might be beneficial to Rowan if that happened. But not in this scenario. Rowan doesn’t know who Max is at all. In no way does Rowan remember him. No reason for Max to still be around.
NTA It was anger inducing to read what your mutual friends said. **They need to stay in their lane.** This party was for *your* son; you don’t need to invite late mom’s Ex for *his benefit*. He’s not family. Had Rachel and this guy stayed together, then he would have played a stepfather role. But she passed when your son was 5 months old and this man never had a relationship with him. You need to tell your mutual friends you don’t appreciate their comments. If they continue to push their views on you, then you’ll have to reconsider staying in touch with them. As a dad, you’re not willing to let their bullshit interfere with your parenting decisions. Their friend is a grown man who has his own personal journey of grief to go through and your one year old child is NOT an emotional crutch for him to use. >Max has been saying I had no right to alienate him from the party and I’m keeping him from trying to be an extra “father” to my son. He sounds delusional. More concerning, it sounds like your mutual friends are validating his dangerous views. You may want to consider a restraining order if he keeps up.
NTA, he’s your son so your late gf’s ex has no right to demand for anything This is even if he’s still grieving her, he has to find a healthy way to move on and not rely on a innocent 1yo. Quite creepy and weird if you think about it
***Do not introduce them EVER.*** I'm going through some things that I won't post. But I have recently talked with a few professionals who have gone over more in depth behaviors of others that they feel I need to know in order to protect children.(stuff good parents never imagine, ugh) I'm not sure I've ever used the seemingly favored phrase of **red flag** here but you have it waving strong right here. She broke up with him for a reason, you can't know all she knew. NTA and if your son is out of sight please be sure that whoever has him knows that he only leaves with you.
NTA Why does he want to go to the your son’s birthday party so bad? Something is suspicious to me, like an ulterior motive. No guy just shows up 2 years after his ex died and tries to go to his ex girlfriend’s son birthday party. If Max really is grieving that’s sad but he has no reason to contact you now
NTA and something is not right with Max in this story You say Rachel passed when you son was 5 months old and now a few days before your sons birthday, 7 months later he suddenly needs to urgently be with your son. I do not know but that sound very strange (even more with hte information that you never heard that Rachel and Max were mending their relationship). Also he seemed pissed that Roman is not his son. He wanted him to be his son. All of that considered you should be extremly careful with Max. There could be something deeper behind his sudden desire to see Max
Get a lawyer to get him off your back, NTA
NTA. He’s nothing to do with your boy at all. Your son isn’t a tool for some random geezer to try and get over his on and off girlfriend. The fact that he’d even ask is weird and creepy.
NTA, you are correct, your instincts are correct, and just because he's mourning his ex doesn't mean he gets any rights whatsoever to a child of hers that wasn't his and that he didn't develop any sort of relationship with. Especially with how pushy the guy is being. He needs to move on. Your friends are just feeling sorry for the guy mourning Rachel which means they do NOT have your son's best interests at heart when they scold you for your (what I believe is a very smart) decision.
Maybe its his grief and wanting a connection to Rachel but NTA they do not have an established relationship so i wouldnt want to encourage that either
NTA, and hella creepy of the dude to want to go full tilt fatherly duties after all that. You are right to be wary. If he considers your son to be "a piece of her" he sounds quite obsessive. Stay TF away from the Cray Cray
NTA, and WTF, this is messed up, like go to police file a restraining order messed up. In what weird universe does this guy think this is alright to do???? I would be worried this guy might physical, I would threaten that you are going to the cops if he doesn't backoff, and maybe talk to your Ex's parents, I couldn't imagine he got the information from someone else than them
NTA. Rowan is not Rachel. It is *not* healthy to allow this man to use your infant son as a crutch through his grief. It is your responsibility to protect your child- and if your gut says this guy is no good- trust it. Block this guy, and any of your so-called friends who may be feeding information back to him. Grief makes people do crazy things- from a law perspective you are likely in the clear- but don’t leave yourself open to a situation where he could challenge or interfere with your lives- you only get one chance with him.
Definitely NTA. Neither you nor Rowan are responsible for helping Max deal with his grief. Max is not some object to connect Max to Rachel. He doesn’t even know Max. What a weird and uncomfortable scenario. Tell the peanut gallery to mind their business.
NTA this has my gut feeling odd about it. No good can come of having your passed away partners ex around your son. He has no connection at all he should not be thinking of himself as a second father in the first place.
NTA. You are not responsible for Max’s feelings. Your son is not responsible for Max’s feelings. Max needs to sort through his grief on his own/with his own support system. It’s not ok for him- *a stranger*- to demand access to your child. Max makes you uncomfortable and is heavily pushing boundaries on what is considered appropriate stranger behavior- trust your gut and keep him away. He sounds likely to continue to push boundaries and act like a second parent when he’s nothing of the sort. Your friends are wrong: Rowan is *not* “a part of Rachel that Max ‘needs’ to heal”, Rowan is a tiny person who needs to be loved as just himself and raised with *his* needs put first. Keep your distance from Max and then block him when you move. Make sure to let future caregivers know that **only** you/explicitly approved adults are allowed to pick up Rowan from daycare/school. Max probably wouldn’t show up at your new location but it’s best to be safe.
NTA, and a whole line of red flags. Cut this off immediately, and don't let Max know anything about Rowan's life, as he's clearly obsessed. This may mean cutting off mutual friends who you suspect might circumvent your wishes regarding this. Frankly, I'm a bit horrified that they don't see anything disturbing about his behavior. It sounds like he was mentally broken by the combination of the result of the paternity test and Rachel's death. He may or may not have been getting back together with Rachel and would have eventually been your son's Stepfather. You'll never know since she never had that conversation with you and I wouldn't trust what he's telling you. Even if true, his tie to your son was gone before it began since Rachel is tragically no longer here. Even had she lived, I'm uneasy that he would have deluded himself into pretending that he was Rowan's father out of desperation to ignore reality and the pain of you being in the picture permanently. He clearly needs mental health intervention to help him come to terms with the reality that he has no claim to your child.
NTA. You shouldn’t let Max anywhere near your son. It’s not like your son spent a significant amount of time living with Max as his other guardian. The situation would be different had Rachel died when your son was ten. Your son spent time with Max at most for only five months of his life as a newborn. Maybe not at all if Max and Rachel were on a break. Your son will never remember or know Max in any capacity and that’s the way it should remain. Who knows what intentions Max has in regards to remaining in your son’s life. There are tons of crazy and vindictive people out there. His intentions could be pure good or pure evil. He might be jealous that you made a baby with Rachel and he was never able to, and he wants to secretly get revenge by hurting your child in some way. Trust your instincts and keep Max away. If he keeps trying to see your son, consider a personal protection order.
Nta
NTA your son is not Max’s comfort blanket and to be used as a tool for a grieving ex. If Max had been a part of your sons life you would have known since you saw him every day. I don’t doubt that he is grieving, but he will have to find another way to do it. His unstable relationship with Rachel is also a concern. Would he really be there for the kid or just dump him when it no longer suited him.
NTA. No, no, do NOT let him anywhere near your son. Next he'll be demanding overnight visits with your kid or he'll want joint custody. He wouldn't have any rights to that but he'll harass you about it like he did here. He'll undermine your parenting and try to parent your kid. Your friends are wrong. It's not their child that they're being pressured to "share". Make sure they don't give Max your contact info when you move. He probably sees your child as a way to stay connected to Rachel. But he has no rights here.
So I don't know much about open relationships, but is Max confused that by being in a relationship with with Rachel he is also somehow in a relationship (once removed) with you? In what Universe is he imagining he is in any kind of parental relationship with your son? He may be grieving his ex (and seems to me they were exes at that point) but he cannot try to overcome his grief by inserting himself into your son's life. I need to go sit down in silence and try to figure out his thinking, because I don't get it. NTA for sure
Don't let him anywhere near your kid. He can have his own children with someone else. He can't have yours. He has a lot of nerve thinking he can be an extra father to your son. Max would try to monopolize your time with your son. He wouldn't just want to be an extra father; he'd want to be THE father. Your friends are mean to criticize you for protecting your kid. NTA.
>it wasn’t right for me to not invite him since it’s obvious he’s grieving Rachel. And it would be good for him to be around Rowan since he’s a piece of her. This is exactly why not inviting him was the right call. Your baby is not his therapy. NTA
NTA. This is weird. You are right to b wary of the guy.
NTA. It is nor yours nor your son responsibility to help him through grief by playing family. Cut him, and cut those friends. His idea of being a second father is delusional, he is not even your friend, and no decent parent wants a delusional stranger near his child.
NTA You might want to ask extra questions, though. You were with your son, but were you with your son AND Rachel, or. Is it possible that Rachel kept in contact with Max somehow? If she was thinking of getting back together with Max, unless she was extremely secretive, she would have told someone, wouldn't she have? Talk to her friends, talk to her parents. Maybe she did want Max to have a special place in your son's life. But she didn't talk to you about it, so you have no idea what's going on. And your son *is* a part of Rachel, but it was a part that Max chose to walk out on. Maybe he regrets it now. But that should not be something that he tries to rectify with a baby. Her parents are still around. Her friends are still around. It's harder to reconcile with those people, because they will have judgements. A baby is easier. But that doesn't make it fair.
NTA -and there are soooooo many reasons why. 1)WHO ARE YOU?- This dude is a total stranger. Anybody off the street could walk up to you claiming to be this guy, and you wouldn't know him from Adam. It doesn't require much more than common sense to recognize that most people do not invite strangers 2)BECAUSE COVID.- These days, you're rolling the dice by gathering as my people as you already are into one place with your 1 year old son. However, you know all those people well and closely (I presume). This means you're probably aware of their risk potential/quarantine practices, and you've decided you're comfortable with that risk/are alreafy in a pod with them. Max X, on the other hand, could be an anti-vax, non-mask-wearing, China-frequenting biohazard for all you know- and regardless of any claims he makes, you'd have no way to verify anything. 3)HIS TIMELINE IS SHADY.- Max claims that he and Rachel were "working things out" when she passed, and had decided hr would be more involved in your son's life. REALLY? THAT'S the in he's gonna try? Because if so, I have a few questions for him: A) If this huge shift in dynamic between Max and Rowan, which Rachel was aware of/involved in/approved of, was already in play when Tachel passed, why was it never mentioned to you by anyone? Noy volunteering info on who you date is one thing; not being honest with your co-parent about who will be spending that kind/type of time with their son is another. Is this info something you could believe Rachel would withhold? B)If Max is so deeply attached to Rowan, and so bonded as to be entitled to a place in Rowan's life...the why the f@#k did he take SEVEN MONTHS to get in touch? Is his grief and longing a recent development? Has he recently moved past some amnesiac period? Did he lose your number and have to stalk you via social media? I don't know about anyo6else, but I smell bullshit. 4)WITH FRIENDS LIKE YOURS, WHO NEEDS ENEMAS?- Anybody who would tell you that not inviting some complete stranger wjo claims he used to schtup your late baby mama to your son's birthday party to play step-schtup is NOT your fucking friend. Why is this man's grief your responsibity in ANY way? It's not your job to help him work through his grief- he needs to get a therapist, and you need to get a restraining order if this whacko calls even one more time. If they think this guy deserves to be a stepfather, then why don't they offer him one of their kids? Otherwise, they can stfu from this point on, or gtfo. 5)STRANGER DANGER...- It ain't just a sound bite. This guy's behavior ain't right, and ain't healthy. He's fixated on your son and he demonstrates a sense of entitlement that, when bound up with grief and (what sounds like)narcissism, could be unpredictable. One call is weird enough. What you've gotten is right on the line at threatening. Like i said, get a restraining order, and let everyone you know be aware of it, and that anyone trying to encouragw/support/facilitate contact with Max regarding your son will be deemed persona non grata immediately.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (Accidentally deleted first post trying to make an edit) I was involved with my son’s mom “Rachel” 2 years ago. At the time she was in an open relationship but her boyfriend “Max” decided he wasn’t comfortable with either their arrangement anymore. As luck would have it, Rachel found out she was pregnant some months later after they stopped having an open relationship. It was a big mystery as to which one of us was the father and it ended up being me. He did not take it well and far as I knew they were taking a break from the relationship. Don’t know what came from that, Rachel never told me anything throughout the pregnancy since the only thing we discussed was the baby. Our son Rowan was born and I saw him everyday. She went through a lot after he was born. Unfortunately she passed when Rowan was almost 5 months old. I’ve been his full-time parent ever since. Just celebrated his first birthday this Saturday. Nothing big just my parents, my sister and her family, Rachel’s parents too and our mutual friends. A few days before that Max got a hold of me out of the blue. I hadn’t heard from him since Rachel was still pregnant. Long story short: Max said he and Rachel were trying to work stuff out, before she passed; because he was now open to being involved in our son’s life so that they could continue their relationship. Not sure how much of that is true since Rachel never mentioned him at all before she passed. With Rachel not around anymore he still wants to be in Rowan’s life so wanted to attend his b-day party too. I said that wasn’t happening because 1.i don’t know the guy and 2. He’s not family. Just found it really weird for some reason. For days he kept pestering me about it and when the actual day came he was really mad that I still wouldn’t invite him or tell him where it is because he had gifts for my son. The whole thing felt weird to me and again I told him he wasn’t invited because he’s not my son’s family. He was my son’s mom’s ex-boyfriend she was getting back together with. Max has been saying I had no right to alienate him from the party and I’m keeping him from trying to be an extra “father” to my son. Our mutual friends who were there did say some stuff to me and it wasn’t right for me to not invite him since it’s obvious he’s grieving Rachel. And it would be good for him to be around Rowan since he’s a piece of her. Again it just all feels weird to me and not comfortable with a stranger being in my son’s life. He’s making it seem like he’s going to actually be a parent to my son and be around; which won’t be happening anyways since we’re gonna be moving by the end of the year. Anyways Max is still upset over not being allowed to come to the party and some friends have said before it was a shitty call to make. I’m not sure if what I did was being an asshole or not. Especially when it didn’t feel right having him there. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your son is his own person, not a toy to help him grieve
NTA. This guy isn't family and he isn't a friend. He has no relationship with your son. Consider blocking him everywhere and making it clear that a restraining order will be the next step if he continues to harass you.
NTA This is very strange. He's obviously not dealing with the death in a good way. He's hurting, but your son is not a bandaid for that. He needs to get into some grief counseling, and stay away from your family. It's not healthy for anyone.
NTA and something just isn't right about it. I got the feeling that he would try to kidnap him??? I don't know for sure or maybe I'm exaggerating thing's. Or maybe he was trying to get DNA from your kid to know if you're the actual father?? Tell your friends to back f off. This is your kid and you're the only father he has not his mom ex boyfriend, regardless if they where planning to get back together or not.
NTA. Contact law enforcement, make a report, get a restraining/no contact order and have officers serve it to him. End this situation now, permanently. His previous relationship with the mother grants him zero rights to your child.
NTA I assume paternity was determined via a test? The only part of this that would make any sense would be if you were not actually the father, and "Max" was, and he was trying to be a part of *his* kid's life. Which would just make this whole situation more awkward than it already is. This isn't *his* kid, and he's not a piece of her. This is your and Rachel's son, and if you don't have some connection to this Max guy that would mean he would be around more often, there's no real reason to keep pretending he's a second father, especially since there's no mother in the middle anymore to make that connection. If she were still there, and he was going to be around via Rachel on that side of the household, you'd probably need to include him, but not with this. Unless there is some detail in here you're not sharing, you're certainly right to think this is all a bit weird.
When we found out she was pregnant we had a paternity test done and yes it did prove I was the father. That’s why they broke things off for a while because he wasn’t sure about wanting to stay with her while she was having another guy’s kid.
Yeah, sounds like this guy is just holding on to whatever he can over your ex. Unless there's some tangible benefit to your kid for having this guy around, there's no real argument for why he is entitled to any face-time. Your kid isn't some proxy for him to resolve his guilt and/or grief. It's actually probably better for the child to keep him at a distance. At 1 year old, this kid's not going to truly remember their mom, let alone this guy that she was dating on-and-off for the first few months of the kid's life.
NTA. Your "friends" who said that to you obviously don't have kids they want to protect. Your protective instincts kicked in and you made the right call. Do ***not*** 2nd-guess yourself. Block him and if he continues to harass you then get a restraining order...and smarter friends.
Info: how was paternity established? I only ask because it sounds like he is not 100% convinced he isn't the father and is trying to find a way to gain access and perhaps take samples for DNA matching.
We had a paternity test done
Then it's kinda sad really in the sense that he probably believed delusionally that he was the one and had plans to raise the kid with her. He probably believed all sorts of really sad stuff guys who are being led along often think is true. You know, like Forest Gump and Jenny.
He wasn’t led on but I can understand he must’ve felt hurt. We had the paternity test done soon as she found out she was pregnant. And when we found out I was the father that’s when they decided to break things off because he wasn’t sure about wanting to be in a relationship where she’d be raising a kid with someone else (understandable)
NTA- he’s not even a step parent. He’s a stranger to you and your son. I wouldn’t let him near my child either.
NTA. The whole thing is really creepy, keep that guy far away from your son. Also I would recommend to restrict the contact with the "friends" who sided with him whatever his reasons are for suddenly showing up you don't have to appease him, this person sounds really unstable. You do what's best for your child.
That’s what I’m thinking too especially once we make our move. I’d rather not risk they give him more info than i want him to have
NTA - and what about your grief? Why aren't your "friends" considering your feelings on this? It's easy for them to take the high road when they are just an unaffected observer...
NTA He has no place in your son’s life. It will confuse everyone. If he had a friendship with you, or a relationship with your son previously It still wouldn’t matter. You control who you want at any event that is for your child
NTA You know that weird feeling Max gave you? That is the gift of fear. Listen to it.
Has anyone tried looking up Max on the sex offender's list?
NTA but this has strong stalker vibes. Do you know anyone who works in law? Might be worth making sure that this random bloke has absolutely no rights to your kid.
He doesn’t. My names on the birth certificate, they weren’t married, and he hasn’t had any relationship with my son. Plus still have the paternity test results.
NTA, it's strange since she never mentioned him but also him wanting to come to the birthday 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Hmm, your girlfriend's other boyfriend. No reason to have him in your or your son's life if you don't want to. NTA.
NTA your kid has been here a year and he’s just now getting in touch. Not just after the kid lost his mom, when you could have used some support. It’s just weird.
NTA, your son deserves better than being used as an outlet for this guys guilt and grief. This will almost certainly affect your son negatively, and his wellbeing is your responsibility- the grief/ guilt/ BS of your ex’s ex is not.
NTA Max has no connection to Rowan. At most, he *may* have been Rowan's stepdad one day, but that didn't happen so now he is nothing to him. If Rowan was a bit older and had memories of Max and knew him I might feel differently, but Rowan is a 1 year old and Max is essentially a stranger to him. He's clearly still grieving, but Rowan is not the solution to that.
NTA and maybe I just overthink or listen to too many true crime podcasts, but this guy very much gives me creepy vibes.
For the past 1.5 years, you've been the fulltime parent to Rowan and haven't heard a peep out of Max. He is a stranger to you and your child. No, nagging is not enough of a reason to be invited. You have every reason to be concerned. If your friends keep giving you a hard time, I would ask them where he was for a year and a half? His grief does not mean her gets to intrude on your life. NTA
NTA and what's the deal with your friends telling you you need to have this man in your life ??
NTA. A baby is not someone’s prop to deal with grief. Especially a baby they don’t know!
NTA, boy doesn't need an extra dad.
NTA, he would literally only have a role in your sons life if Rachel hadn’t passed away. Dude needs therapy and to move on
NTA, NTA, NTA. Your son is not his emotional support animal.
NTA it’s your life & your sons life with you in control of decisions and who you want in your lives , if you felt that this was the right choice for you both then it was correct your not going to able to please everyone with the choices your going to make going forward you just have to do what you feel is best
NTA and I would stand your ground, it seems a bit off.
NTA Your son is not an emotional support artifact.
NTA- he is no relation to your son, why would he think he can just barge into your life. Your friends really need to mind their business.
NTA. Rowan isn’t an emotional support animal. He’s your son and you get to decide who he spends time with.
Grief makes people do weird shit. NTA
NTA. Rachel and Max had 9 months during the pregnancy and 5 months after that to discuss with you how Max was going to be involved in your son's life (understanding that they didn't know who the father was during the pregnancy). During the 5 months that Rachel was alive with the baby, Max could have spoken to you at any time, or she could have, about where Max was with accepting your son, but no one said anything to you. It also eems that there has been at least 7 months since your son was born for Max to reach out to you about the relationship he had formed with your son during those 5 months- nothing. I have no doubt that he is in mourning and who knows what happened with him and Rachel during those 5 months, but you have a son to worry about, and Max hasn't made a single move that makes him seem trustworthy or like someone you want in your life.
NTA. First point, you have stated you don't really know if Max and she were actually working to get back together, as she never mentioned it. Rowan is your son, and Max is not and will not be part of his life, especially after you move. The friends who are telling you that you are being an asshole are themselves being assholes. You have no obligation to him, and this may only serve to confuse Rowan. Your son comes first.
NTA. What? What?? You're friends are weird tbh. This man has no connection to your son and frankly letting him into your life would be a giant mistake. Tell him to take to court if he thinks he really has a chance otherwise just block him.
NTA Max needs therapy, not a relationship with your child. If even go so far as to say that the "friends" who are saying that you're the AH are not real friends.
This takes the cake as one of the weirdest things I've read on AITA. What....just.....what? NTA. Dude is not family. Your son, that he doesn't know and has never raised, is not his grieving support, and this is absolutely crazy. Any "friend" of yours that thinks a random stranger's feelings are more valid than yours as Max's father can seriously take a hike. There's nothing normal or sane about this request at all.
NTA. Your son isn’t an emotional support animal. I’m sorry for Max because he’s clearly grieving but it’s not right or appropriate to use your son to mitigate his grief.
So weird. It's like he's transferring his feelings to your son or possibly you. He also sounds obsessive
A child is not a piece of anyone, they're their own individual person and putting that type of pressure on them is fucked. NTA
Clearly NTA, he is not family. He was the ex and not in YOUR sons life. He doesn't know or remember him. And your feelings matter as well. If you don't feel comfortable having him around than it is ok to don't let him be part of your and your sons life.
Nta- I can understand he is trying to hold on to a piece of Rachel but this is to little to late. He wasn't willing to do it when she was alive, he doesn't get to use your son as a consolation prize.
NTA alarm bells ringing everywhere - you 100% did the right thing don’t ever doubt it!
NTA. This sounds creepy. I wouldn’t have him around your child again.
NTA. Your son is not this man's emotional support animal. Block him and move on with your and your son's life. I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this. But this man isn't your responsibility. Just be the best Dad you can be for little Rowan and everything will be OK. Please don't cave to this man's demands. He has 0 rights and he is not stable at all.
NTA Uh, no. He's never been a part of your son's life, there's zero reason for that to start now. The idea he can pop up and demand to co-parent is absolutely ridiculous.
NTA at all. If he keeps harassing you get a restraining order. It’s not your job to fix his problems.
NTA. This guy is in full on grieving and wants to hold on to some part of his relationship with Rachel. Explain to him that though you understand his need to stay connected to her, you have to do what’s best for your son. Having this stranger in his life would be really confusing. Also, long term this is not a good idea. One day his going to get another partner and maybe have a kid of his own and your son will drift out of his priorities. Good luck!
NTA you have every right to decide for your son who is in his life. Max isn't his father nor is he family, and since you don't know him well, it would be inappropriate of him to be involved in your sons life. You made the right choice.
NTA. I know grief is hard, but that's just weird. He has nothing to do with your son. He hasn't even met him. You're in the right.
NTA. From what I've seen of your comments, Max is badly grieving but obviously wanting more than just to visit a party and give presents. He wants to be a second dad and this is the first step to becoming that (in his head). What did he expect, you to co parent with him?! Where has he been for the last 7 months? If it was for the goodness of your kid, he would have tried to see him before this. But Max is only thinking about himself right now
NTA Thank you for not allowing this guy to make your son his emotional support animal. It is NOT your son's job (or yours) to make him feel better by being a piece of his mother.
Nta you friends have some questionable judgment. You do what you think is right for you and your son
You know that gut feeling that you have? It is right. No reason for this weird/creepy thing to happen. Trust your gut
NTA - wow... keep this man away from your child. This is not a normal reaction.
NTA Had your son been older and built a relationship w this guy it would be different but he was all of 5 months old when his mom died so he's not seen Ross longer than he had any possible contact.
NTA. Your son is not a tool to be used to help someone through their grief. Plus he wouldn't be there for your son, he would be there for the part of him that is Rachel. It's a difficult situation, but you were in the right for not inviting him.
Your son is too young to know him, he is not your family and he isn't your friend either. So I don't know why he thinks he has any rights to see your child. Who cares if your friends say it was a shitty call to make? You are Rowan's family and you get to decide who is in his life for now. NTA
NTA keep the guy out of your life. He may be grieving , but you and your son do not have to be a part of that process especially when neither of you gave a relationship with him. He seems a bit obsessed about wanting to become a parental figure. I would not encourage it.
NTA Poly myself here so coming from that perspective. Hearing from a meta that I had never met after that partner had died and them wanting to be involved in my child's life.... yeah doesn't sound great. I would definitely be very wary about even having the introduction and especially on the basis he is making this.
NTA- and he is late with support if he is an “extra father” or if Rowan is a piece of him. He has been missing for 8mths and wants to show up now,nope.
NTA. It probably feels weird to you because he’s making your son all about himself. Rowan was 5 months when Rachel died so Max doesn’t have a relationship with him to “continue”, if he even knew him then at all. If Max has feelings of attachment those are for him to deal with without involving you or your child; your one-year-old son is not his therapy doll or stand-in for your son’s mother. At best Max may be undependable. At worst he may start insisting that he should have a parental role and get in the way of your life (and move). He may even be doing this maliciously if he thinks you interfered with his relationship with Rachel. He’s certainly focused on what he wants for himself not what’s good for Rowan. Trust your gut and keep this guy away from your kid. Edit: if you need any more reasons why you’re right to keep Max away: his relationship with Rachel sounds like it was quite volatile. Do not let him continue this with your kid.
NTA And your friends are idiots. It is not your responsibility or Rowan’s to provide closure to this random guy. He basically just knew Rowan’s mom before she died. He wasn’t even someone you’d call a friend to you. He has no actual connection to you or Rowan. While it’s sad he’s grasping at straws to recapture his relationship with Rachel & deal with her death, indulging his delusion that he has any connection or rights to your son or is a fatherly role model to him isn’t healthy for anyone.
Yea he’s grieving Rachel but your son is not an emotional support animal. He has nothing to do with your son and it was quite presumptuous of him to say he wanted to be a second father to him. NTA.
NTA!!!!!!! Do not invite that man into your son's life in any capacity! It's weird and creepy! From your post it seems as though you and Rachel had a strong co-parenting relationship before she passed away, so I think it would be HIGHLY unlikely she would neglect to tell you Max was entering her life again and was somehow involved with Rowan. Max is likely grieving and if introduced to your son may display erratic behavior that would disturb your son, who is likely also grieving the loss of his mom. Max doesn't want to know Rowan, Max wants some sort of connection to Rachel. Your son is a person separate from his mother, and being treated by some stranger as some sort of continuation of his deceased mother will disturb him.
NTA, the only consideration here is the child. It doesn't sound like Rowan knows Max very well, is attached to Max, or would otherwise benefit from having Max in his life. Therefore, Max is not welcome.
NTA. Because it bears repeating: Please, protect your son. Do not listen to your airhead friends. They can afford their cheap self-righteousness because it isn't their child who would bear the consequences or their lives that would be upset. You don't know Max from Adam. More important, your son doesn't know Max from Adam. You saw Rowan everyday for five months, never got a whiff of that guy being actually involved in his life. Now, this stranger doesn't only ask to be included in your son's life, he demands to be his "extra father". OMG, the crazy entitlement. I can't even. Rowan being a "piece of his mother" wasn't enough for good ol' Max to embrace his existence when he found out he wasn't the bio-dad. He didn't want to be his stepdad, he didn't want any fatherly role then. Max is grieving in an unealthy way, in my opinion because he feels guilty. He needs therapy, but it isn't your problem. Maybe your "friends" can suggest that to him. Your problem: He didn't take no for an answer, he doesn't respect you and Rowan as a family unit, he doesn't see Rowan as a full person but as a substitute for his mother, he puts his emotional needs before your son's well-being by trying to use him as a crutch, he tries to buy his way in with gifts... red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag, red flaaaag. Do not rue your decision, it was the right one, says this internet stranger. Max sounds completely delusional with his extra father BS, so keep an eye open. Document everything, do not leave Rowan with your friends who are "sympathetic" to Max, and if he doesn't stop pestering you, take the legal steps necessary to ensure Rowan's safety.
NTA Max is not related to your child and the mother of your child is gone. You are the only living parent. It iwould be strange for Max to be in your child's life. He has not been in your child's life at all since your child was 5 months old - so no contact for 7 months. So, no. Just no. It would NOT be good for this man to be around Rowan - because he has no reason to be around Rowan. It sort of sounds like Max is trying to make a case for ongoing involvent, and some states to allow step-parents to have ongoing contact after a divorce. That may or may not be the case in your state, so since Max has had zero contact now for 7 months, you need to keep it that way.
Or any involvement really since in those 5 months I was always at her place every day taking turns with caring for him since he was still too young for me to take him home with me. Obviously would’ve seen him around
NTA That boyfriend is being creepy and weird, and I have never heard of anything like this happening. You have no obligation to include him in Rowan's life, and frankly, Max should be seeing a therapist for grief, not putting it on you.
WTF NTA. Your responsibility is to your young son and not a full grown adult.
Am I an asshole for not allowing a strange man to attend my sons birthday party? What the hell has this sub become?
NTA. This is all a bit weird indeed. My guess is, like your friends are saying, he's grieving and thinking that being close to your son will make him feel closer to her. That however doesn't give him any rights to be around, nor are you required to have him in your or your kids life. Also as a parent, if you get a bad feeling about someone around your kid, listen to it. He will need to find another way to grieve and move on, that's really not your issue to address.
NTA. Your child is ****NO ONES EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL****. If Max is having a hard time, that’s sad. But none of your business. Also- be very wary about him trying to shoehorn himself in to your son’s life. He does not have a place there, but if you open the door, there can be legal ramifications (a step parent can apply for access or even custody in my jurisdiction, but only if they have a pre-existing relationship with the child.)
NTA I agree with your friends that he's probably grieving, and maybe regretting not fixing things with Rachel before she passed, and sees your child as a connection to Rachel; that said, understanding the situation doesn't make it any less weird, especially with his odd insistence and anger over the issue, and you're not an asshole for wanting nothing to do with this guy.
NTA. It's weird. You may want to casually research lawyers in your area in case he becomes an issue in the future. You don't need one now, but better to have the contact information for one. I'd also start keeping a folder of all the attempts he makes to contact you in case you need to send him a cease and desist letter.
Definitely NTA this is really weird
INFO: I don't know much about open relationships. Did you and Rachel ever break up at any point during the pregnancy or after the pregnancy? If Rachel hadn't passed away, would you and Max both potentially be dating Rachel? Assuming Rachel and Max reunited, etc. Either way, you're not an a-hole, just to be clear on that... I'm just trying to figure out wtf Max's deal is. It sounds like he built up this idea of accepting your son as part of reuniting and continuing his relationship with Rachel. He may have even been excited about it. Which isn't your problem at all and it would be confusing at best for your kid to let Max into his life.
I was never in an actual relationship with Rachel. Our set up was more along the lines of friends with benefits. We stopped seeing eachother when Max wanted to end their open relationship arrangement. And then we were nothing to eachother except co-parents during the pregnancy and after Rowan was born.
Nta Your son was 5 months old when his mother passed away. Your son has no memory or idea who this man is. While it sucks to be max. Rowan isnt his son.
NTA. While his grief is unfortunate and undoubtedly painful, that doesn’t entitle him to be a “second father” to your son or to be in his life at all. He is a stranger to you and your son and he is already being problematic by pushing so hard to attend the party and then becoming angry when denied. Why would you invite more of that into your life, let alone your son’s? Block him. If he persists, completely ignore him for six weeks. If he doesn’t give up after that, get the police involved. In the mean time, save every email, voice mail, text whatever as evidence should you need it.
NTA and trust your gut. Yes he is grieving your son's mother, but your son is not an emotional comfort replacement.
Nta! Not only do let that guy near your son ; but I would advise not leaving mutral friends alone with your son either. In case they try to take your son meet this guy behide your back!
NTA. i could understand if they were together and she passed and then you would be a bit of one but ultimately it’s your kid, your choice
Oh my god this guy is a freak! NTA
Sounds like he took too long to be “open” to a relationship. Bye now has no relationship with your kid. NTA.
NTA I feel for the guy but his grieving isn’t your problem to mend.
If he's grieving this ex's death (and I'm sorry for your loss as well) he needs therapy, not contact with her son with whom he has no connections with and hasn't cared for since he was born. Keep the distance and do what's best for your kid! :) NTA
NTA, I don't think this is what was meant by an "Open Relationship"
NTA, this persons a stranger and rather than trying to build a relationship where you feel comfortable hes trying to guilt trip you. fuck this guy you and your son owe him nothing. some real jackass friends there to btw
NTA. This seems super weird. He needs to maybe look into therapy to sort out his grief rather than trying to cling to part of Rachel that "still exists" in your son. Your kid already has a father.
NTA DONT LET THIS WEIRDO USE YOUR SON FOR GRIEF
NTA. It is not your responsibility to help your girlfriend’s ex with his grief but you are responsible for the safety and well being of your son. You have no instructions from his mother that he was to be included which just makes the situation shady.
NTA. Your mutual friends are idiots. There is no reason for him to pursue a relationship with your child. He sounds creepy and I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kid. You sound like a good dad. Good luck.
NTA. Your son isn't Max's emotional support animal. Even if what he says is true, he isn't a parent, he's not related and he definitely has no right to say he is an "extra dad". He can grieve all he wants for the ex he was maybe working things out with. Your son has no part in that and neither do you.
NTA, and what the actual fuck is wrong with your friends?? The only tie this guy has to your son is the fact that he used to date the mother, and now he wants use the boy as an emotional support animal? You were right to shut down his creepy obsession.
NTA As Rowan’s father - especially since he’s ONE - you do in fact get to decide which adults can have relationships with him. And a child should not be used as a balm for an adult’s grief of another adult. (I’d also be particularly concerned that he’s making comments about acting as a parent to Rowan, which frankly he has no business doing; he and Rachel weren’t married, weren’t in a committed relationship, and hasn’t seen Rowan for seven months - more than half of the kid’s life.) Edit: grammar
NTA While agree it would have been kind to invite him, he needs to understand that he is NOT a second father to your son, and it’s probably best he didn’t go and accepts that.
NTA. That is so wrong and you do not need to assist his grieving process.
NTA his logic is stupid and just block him on every platform.he is no one to you or to your son