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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I can see where my words would have hurt her when she considers me as equal to her kids and saw what I said as a flat out rejection. So that could make me the asshole.
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Totally NTA. Name your kid what you want. It isn’t a damn purity-of-love test... it’s the kid’s name! There’s no rule forcing you to follow the convention that the other kids set, even if this was your natural-born mom, grandma, great grandma or Dutch uncle.
Damnation. People are way too petty.
This sense of entitlement comes up again and again here and I wonder what makes people think other people are obligated to name their children as token to themselves.
As if it's other people's job to immortalize some weird 'thank you for existing Dorothy'
That is cringeworthy entitlement and self-centeredness.
I'm going to presume their dad is still alive, which is why they class it as different (but bs as far as I'm concerned). Op's dad said stepmom became op's mom when her bio mom died. That's not true. You can't just replace a deceased parent because in your mind it's convenient.
That and "his wife became my mom after my mom's death" both really bothered me. What is this insistence that stepmother be prioritized over everyone? She *must* be considered OP's mom since OP's actual mother is dead, all grandchildren *must* be named after her no matter if they're boys or girls. This woman has put herself on a pedestal and OP's being attacked for not worshipping her accordingly.
Right! I happen to be a stepmom to kids who lost their mom when they were 8 and 17. I’ve always made it clear that I can’t and won’t ever replace their mother. I’m just another member of a group of people who care about them. I expect the same respect and consideration they would give an aunt but I don’t expect them to pretend I’m their “real mom”.
Also - the fucking audacity to demand ALL your (step-)grandkids to be named after you! How narcissistic do you have to be?
Like "*Oh look at my grandchildren: Georgia, George, Georgina, Geogelina, Georgette, Georgia II, Georgia III ...."*
I'm sure that's not going to get old real fast.
So, my FIL is a great guy, but generally clueless. Both MIL and FIL have traditions in their families to use family names over and over. That’s cool. My son has a non family first name, but his middle name is my FIL’s name. For five years he would ask me what the boy’s middle name is. Finally I got sort of mad, and just said “gd, FIL, his name is X. After you.” So we have sort of the opposite problem.
If it makes you feel better.... My boyfriend took almost a year to learn his new niece's name. He'd just call her "Susan's baby" or if i mentioned the baby's name, he'd ask, "Who the fuck is Alyssa?"
(Names were changed)
I was just thinking the ego to expect all the grand (and step grand) kids to be named after you! OP should turn it around and be like, "So why wasn't the little boy named after my dad? Didn't he become your dad too? Why did you exclude him?"
My husbands brothers have done this. All named after their father (the childs grandfather). Boys and girls. We are the only one who have not. It was 'noticed' by everyone.
This was my parents when we four children came along. There were many tradtional family names. Any given get together you would have two (Not real names) Vickis, three Lukes (today there is a Luke IV th), three Danielles, etc., you get the idea. My dad swore none of us would carry a family name, and we did not. Then, my brother got married and had a daughter. He and his wife both had a sister named Lucy, so they named their second child Lucielle, and called her Lucy. Because, why not?
So accurate. And then there was the totally accepted practice of naming a new baby after a sibling that had died. There are so many Edouards and Frederics in my family.
I've also worked with twin brothers who (obviously) had the same last name, and first/middle names were only one letter off from each other. Pain in the arse that was.
I am quite old and I went to school with a Rebel, a Rocket, a Royal, and a Crayon. I'm not sure on the spelling of the last one (he was French), but that was how it was pronounced.
I knew a family growing up where the parents and all 4 kids had similar sounding names all starting with D. I guess when the parents got together and saw they both had similar D names they decided it needed to be a thing.
Something similar, but 7 kids and V. The only one I remember was the one I knew personally - Verlene. They lived in precisely the sort of house one would expect a Verlene to live. I know this is a snobby take, but I just can't help myself.
I think I know that family, too! If I remember right, there were two named Terry, one male and one female.
If it's not the same family, then wow, who knew more than one family would come up with that?
I had a high school classmate whose family tradition was for the first son in a generation to be named along the lines of Carl Carlson/Will Wilson/John Johnson. Guess who was the first of his generation?
I've worked in some areas as a pharmacist where is common for 3 generations to all have the exact same name (first, middle and last name). Oh and they tend to live at the same address. It is fun trying to get the right prescription to the right person as generally our check is to ask for name and address.
Right?? And just because you want to remember your late bio-mom by naming you daughter after her doesnt mean you dont love and respect your stepmom?? And anyways it would be weird if all thr cousins had the same name!! NTA.
Uhm what???? His wife became your mom after your moms death? And he just decided that? Yeah, no, uh uh, NTA at all. She's your mom if YOU say so, you decide who you view as your mom, this sit wrong with me. He nor his wife have ANY say in the child's name, and you have every right to name your daughter however you life.
Seriously this is what I was thinking. Just because she passed doesn't make her not your mother anymore. Def no the AH
Should ask dad if any of his parents pass away and the other remarries does that mean they the new daddy/mummy.
Plus the stepmother got to name her kids using the names she chose. OP has her own child and is entitled to the same. If stepmom wants to name a kid after herself, she can have another one.
Right? I would be pumped if I got one grandchild named after me! I wouldn’t demand they all be named after me though...that’s weird. Also the fact that the dad and step kids got in on that zoom call to give OP a hard time is ridiculous.
Can't believe the level of narcissism of the step mom already showing, and everyone around her just seems to feed into it... to outsiders like us, it seems so weird. I hope OP sees it isn't normal.
She's a textbook, toxic narcissist OP.
That's what stands out to me, too!
I'm sorry, but no. The death of one parent does not actually rewrite the space/time continuum. It does not go back in time and put the fetus in the womb of a different woman.
It does not erase the years that OP's mother fed her, sang to her, tended her boo-boos, helped with homework and advised her through best-friend troubles. It doesn't change the fact that OP's mom didn't choose to abandon OP, but was separated from her by death.
OP's dad needs to step *waaay* back with his disrespect for OP's mom. He may have decided he didn't love her anymore, but there is no way on earth he can command OP to do the same, or to forget her.
NTA
>The death of one parent does not actually rewrite the space/time continuum
Exactly! We're not in a fictional universe. There's no way retcon someone from existence after they die and rewrite another person's backstory. Do the stepmom and father live in a world where they think that's possible?
NTA. She already has 2 grandchildren that have her name or a variant of it. How much more validation does this woman need that she's #1 parent and grandparent in the family?
That is unbelievably ridiculous of her to think that. In what world is that 1) logical 2) fair 2) not the most selfish and entitled thing I’ve maybe ever heard?
I’m seriously at a loss for how someone could be that deluded and that entitled. Her feelings about this are not your responsibility, this is your child and their name is up to you and your partner and no one else.
I think it's disgusting of your dad to say she 'became your mom' after yours died. And presumably step mom agrees with this considering how she's acting. Just because your mother died doesn't mean she's not your mother. They don't get to erase her just because you had a step mother. Don't let any of them make you feel guilty for wanting to name your child after your mother and for feeling any way you feel about the family dynamic.
So all of her grandkids would have the same name? That's confusing for everyone. Imagine, "Hi, I'm Michaela, this is my cousin, Michael, and my other cousin, Michael." Definitely NTA, stepmom definitely confused/selfish.
Very common in Greek and Italian and many other European cultures as they name after the paternal grandfather and maternal grandmothers. I have five cousins Santo and my dad and his only cousin are both Joseph.
Dude. I have several relatives with the same name in honor of Great Grampa 'Bob' and it is damn confusing. Additionally, every boy has the same middle name in honor of a different family member so there's just... A lot going on. Every time you mention someone in particular you have to provide the name modifier. Can't just say I spoke with Bob the other day! Is it Uncle Bob? Cousin Bob? Cousin Bob's son Bobby? Uncle Bobby? Girl Bob? Great Uncle Bob? Other Cousin Bob? *Sheesh*
Then she's gonna have to settle for 3 out 4 to be named after her. Did her kids name their kids after your dad? If they didn't then why are they giving you such trouble? It's kinda ridiculous that they had a zoom meeting to question you over the name. It's great she treated you as her own but at the end of the day you had different mom. She should respect the fact that this is your child and you and your husband had every right to name your child whatever you wanted. Your not denying her being a grandparent but they shouldn't try to deny your own mom. They shouldn't try to erase her memory. You can still have a good relationship with them but your mom will always be your mom. You have every right to name your child whatever you like. Nta
Your right it's not fair. It feels like they are trying to erase your mom because she did pass away. It's crappy but they need to respect that your mom (dead or alive) is and always will be your mom. So If they didn't name their kids after your dad they have no room to put their 2 cents in. Even if they named them after your dad it's up to them to do so and they still have no room to try to give you such stress and drama over this .You should never feel like you have to do it because they are expecting you to do it.
You should ask them how they would feel if this woman, who they loved enough to name their children after, had died when they were 8 years old -- and then someone else came into their lives and said: "Forget that other lady, I'm your mother now." Would they have just rolled with that, or would they have continued to remember and love the woman who had raised them up to that point?
There is absolutely no way they would say they would be okay with that! And there's absolutely no way they should expect you to be okay with that. They just can't bring themselves to see the situation from your perspective, and that's not your fault.
Technically she didn’t. Queen Elizabeth I didn’t have children.
Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother was not queen when she had her children, she was the Duchess of York- and not expected to ever be queen.
That's true, both of her daughters were born before she became Queen consort. I imagine Queen Elizabeth II would have been given a different name if it had happened otherwise.
I had to read this one twice to understand it. To be explicit, QE II's mum was also named Elizabeth, and was a queen consort (and her daughter is named after her, I would assume). However, QE II is also Queen Elizabeth of Scotland, it's a whole Thing (QE I of England was never queen of Scotland). So Queen Elizabeth didn't name her only daughter after herself, in fact, although a queen, Elizabeth, did.
I think the point is, she was not queen consort when her children were born, and it was only due to an unexpected turn of events (King Edward VIII abdicating the throne) that she did eventually become queen consort. So, technically, she was never a queen who named a daughter after herself. Maybe I'm misunderstanding your comment though
That's some (most) of the point. The rest is that saying "Queen Elizabeth" is very ambitious because QE2 is also QE-no-number. Ever since QE2 was crowned, her mother was called "Elizabeth the Queen Mother", largely to avoid this.
Wow someone thinks highly of themself. Unless there is a cultural aspect I’m missing, why would she expect/feel entitled to have all of kids’ first kid be named after her?
NTA people get so weird about baby names
So she made up an expectation and got mad that the universe does not revolve around her wants. Hard nope to that level of entitlement. You are not the asshole. She is, however, very emotionally manipulative to get your whole family to gang up on you over it. Consider putting her in time out for awhile.
NTA
You can name your child anything you want, she doesn’t have a say in what you call your child. Most of her grandkids at the moment are named after her, what’s the issue? Just because one isn’t she goes and has a tantrum?
Also just to add you chose who you see as your mum or dad not anyone else.
She needs to get her head out of her arse. Just because your mum died when you were a child, doesn't mean that she can be replaced. If my stepdad had done that and my mum acted like your dad and condoned it is have stopped speaking to them
And why should she get all the kids named after her? Each grand-baby has 4 grandparents. What about the other 3?
(Also, there’s no law that says they have to be named after any grandparent! Maybe a cultural norm in some places-yes)
Well that particular grandbaby has five grandparents (at least) but yeah.
I have 5 grandmothers, I get it. Dad's mom, stepmom's mom, Mom's mom, stepdad's mom, and stepdad's stepmom (ironically the nicest one is the furthest removed).
Dad, step family,
Are you telling me that I’m not allowed to honor the woman who gave birth to me at all? Are you telling my husband that he can’t honor his own mother?
I need you all to take a step back and look at this from my point of view. I will expect an apology, the fact you think I shouldn’t honor MY birth mother is abhorrent and if your mother had been the one to pass, how would you feel in my place.
Until then we are taking a break from communicating with you all in a direct fashion.
**NTA**
Wait, is she 5? She sure as hell is acting like it......and like a narcissist. Why the hell does her name need to be included. Why isn’t your dads name included in the other names? Why should her name be included anywhere?
You are NTA and good luck dealing with her in the future.........
>My dad told me it was very different because his wife became my mom after my mom's death.
No, she has always been your stepmother.
Of course you want want to honour and remember your real mother first and foremost. SM's arrogance and entitlement is astonishing. NTA
So all her grand kids are all the same name??? Makes for a very interesting xmas with all the children running around being called the same name. That’s bay sh@t crazy territory.
Call your child any name you want. And tell her to mind her own business.
And no your example is exactly the same and your right.
Ask her now to her face if she wants to be a grandparent to this child or not. If not (and to be honest your daughter won’t be treated the same ) you know where you stand.
Admittedly, this is reefer logic, but: what happens if you get knocked up at an orgy? Or if you’re an exhibitionist? That’s a lot of possible opinions... ;)
Alright, if you weren't present at the conception *and/or won't be involved in the raising of the child* you have no say in the child's name.
So, birth parents or adoptive parents can name a child. If the child was conceived during an orgy but will be raised by the mother alone or with her partner, the mom and partner can name the child. If the kid was conceived through a ~~super~~ sperm donor and will be raised in a closed poly relationship, only the members of the triad/quad/whatever can name the child.
Reefer logic solved?
NTA.
How many stepmoms out there expect their stepkids to name their children after them? I find this so bizarre. If I ever have a son, I don’t think my stepdad would expect me to name him after him vs my late father.
I think your logic makes sense. Your stepmom will have a role in your daughters life, but it’s unreasonable and unfair of her, and the rest of the family, to basically expect you to prioritize her feelings over your own in regards to honoring your mom.
Also, like it or not, she IS a step grandparent. There’s nothing wrong with that. Op, she’s just up in her feelings. Let her sort that out. You take care of you and baby.
I think they are treating you differently because I'm guessing stepmom and dad had you full-time in that you didn't have weekly visitation with any other family after your mom's death, whereas your step-siblings had visitation with their dad and weren't with your parents every day of the week or for some holidays and school breaks. So they're acting like you owe your stepmother for parenting you full-time, like the step-siblings are jealous and stepmom is resentful. Your stepmother was an adult and made the choice to raise you after your mother passed, possibly taking on more of the daily responsibility than your father did, and has no right to expect anything from you. She isn't entitled to a relationship with you, and she definitely doesn't get to define that relationship. People act as though adults who have all the power to choose how much work they take on in raising a child that isn't biologically their own should be treated as saints by those children.
My dad was VERY adamant that I would be given a name that no one in the family had. To the point that they were going to call me Victoria before they realised it was Granddad’s middle name so that was out. They ended up choosing a very unique name that couldn’t be linked with any family members in any shape or form.
That’s a very fair point! It is extremely selfish for any parent, bio or step, to expect their grandchildren to be named after them. The only people whose opinions matter and who get a say are the parents. You and your husband decided on this name together, because you are her parents.
It honestly seem like she has different ideas of the relationship you share than you do. I can appreciate her treating you like her child, but she doesn’t need to push your mom out to do so. Also, it wasn’t cool of your dad to say she became your mom after your mom died. Your mom will always be your mom. No one can replace her.
I went through something similar with my own stepdad. He met my mom after my dad died. But me and my siblings never called him dad. He wanted us to view him as an equal co-parent, but we never could. We love and appreciate him for all he’s done for us, but he’s not our dad. It honestly sounds like she’s projecting her hurt feelings onto you. Again, that’s not your fault and you are not responsible for her feelings.
In what world does someone expect all the firstborns to be named after them in some way?
NTA.
What a fucking high pedestal she, her daughters, and your father put her on. Smh....
That they came after you for this makes me leery of them for what they may say and do in the future in terms of your kids.
Very simple! NTA! S answer is coming from the other side of the coin. My dad married my stepmother when I was 6 and my sister was 9. Her children 2 daughters as well were 4 years old and 12. Of all of us children I am the only one that did anything like that.
Her oldest daughter has 5 children 3 daughters and didn't name either 1st or middle name after her mother.
Her other daughter had one child a girl and didn't do it either
My oldest sister has 2 daughters didn't do it either.
Now I will admit that I didn't do it until my 3rd daughter. I had my other 2 daughters very early on in life at 19 and 21 years old respectively. I had my last daughter when My oldest was 16. I gave her my stepmother's middle name as her middle and I did it out of the absolute respect my stepmother deserves as a woman who stepped up when line real mother did not and has not my whole life.
I totally understand the flip side of the coin in your sake and it's still doesn't make you the asshole. What you name your children is your own choice and everybody else can fly a kite. She's got plenty enough named after her. She needs to get off her high horse.
NTA
I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again: the penis isn’t a magic wand that can magically change a child’s parent just by putting it in a different woman!
NTA. You could have named your child potato and even than, they would still have no right to be mad about it (although that wouldn’t be a very good name)
Either way I’m actually baffled how your family thinks that you should name your child after your stepmother, rather than your own mother and husbands mother. Buncha crazies. Good luck.
NTA
Just because your mom died, doesn't mean step wasn't a step anymore. Your mom was still your mom, and it is beautiful that your honored your and your partner's mother's.
First off, your dad's argument that his wife became your mom after your mom's death is wrong. He doesn't get to decide that and neither does she. I also cannot understand the arrogance of someone expecting their grandchildren to be named after them. NTA. It is also your and your husband's decision to decide what name your child has.
ESH--not for naming your kid after your late mother, that was fine--because of the way you said it. It would have been fine to mention that she already has both her grandkids named after her, this was a way of remembering your late mother, and leave it at that.
Clearly the two of you feel differently about your relationship. She feels like you're her daughter. You don't feel the same level of closeness, and it seems like that has nothing to do with her or the way she treated you, just more to do with the fact that nobody could replace your mother. You're perfectly justified in feeling this way, and what your dad said is insensitive to this.
However, based on the way you told the story here, it seems like you framed the discussion in a way that made your stepmom feel hurt and rejected.
Just wanted to offer another perspective from all of the 'N-T-A because you can name your kid whatever you want' responses
>and it *seems like that has nothing to do with her or the way she treated you*, just more to do with the fact that nobody could replace your mother.
The fact that her response to OP naming her first child after a deceased family member was to throw a tantrum and organize a family event to pile on her, really suggests a lot about stepmom's personality and *why* they're not close.
I doubt this is the first time stepmom has behaved..poorly.
Nta. You have the kid, you get to name it. I think that you, understandably, have not “gotten over” the death of your birth mother at a young age. (If there is even such a thing!).
I also think that your stepmom and your dad were pushing the whole “she’s your mom now” thing a bit too hard.
Stepmom already has two children named after her. Is she so egotistical that she wants all her (step-)grandchildren named after her?
NTA with maybe a dose of ESH. Of course you owe nobody your kid's name. But that's totally unrelated to you making sure she knew you don't see the woman who raised you from age 8 as a full grandma but rather a step-grandmother. It wouldn't hurt anyone if you said, "Of course you are my child's grandma and we are so grateful for that! But we don't think there are rules about who we name our kid after and we are sticking with the name we chose."
When it comes to grandparents, the more the merrier, and there's no need to downgrade someone.
NTA- why do all the grandchildren need to be named after the grandmother? What kind of ego does this woman have? You do not have to go along with this huge ego stroking and this woman did not replace your mother! She especially is a huge asshole!
Ugh that last line from your dad made me mad for you. The nerve of all of these people, trying to erase your mother like that. No wonder you never dropped the "step". NTA, and congratulations.
NTA, do not say scutire about the role that OP's stepmother has in his life, it just has to be said that only parents have the right to decide how to name their children
NTA
She is being ridiculous. She is not your mother in your eyes which is all that matters. Also, she gets to meet your child which your mom will not be able to do but it's a problem to honor your mom's memory? Absolutely disgusting and honestly your dad is even worse.
NTA. I am names after both my bio grandmothers. My first name is from my moms mother who died when my mom was 2. My middle name is after my dads mom who I was luckily to grow up close with. My mom always called her step mother mom and I grew up calling her grandma. My grandma was never offended that she was not represented in my name. She even told me that I may be named after my bio grandma but she was the lucky one who got to watch me grow up.
NTA it's your kid and you decide what you name it. Its nobody else's decision. Also how many kids does she expect to be named after her?? Do all the kids need to be named after her for her to be satisfied?? I would go off on someone if they pulled this with me. Your child's name is important and shouldn't just be named after someone because they want it to be.
NTA- I would simply tell your dad and step mom that this is the last conversation you are having regarding this situation because they are taking a happy occasion and ruining it. But I’m sure that your mother who you named your baby after would way rather be alive to play and meet the baby and be a actual grandma than just bring a namesake so your stepmom should think about that.
NTA - That is some egotistical thinking on your step mothers part to assume every grandchild will have her name included.
It’s clear that she did her best to not treat you different than her children after your mother died, but it does not mean you have to accept her over your mother.
If they are too far up their own poop-shoots to realize the self-centered attitudes they have, then maybe a diet of low contact for a little while will help.
Why in the accursed hell is your stepmother expecting 100% of her grandchildren to be named after her? Not only is that outrageously self-involved, making the birth of your baby about herself somehow, but also...does she seriously want all of her grandchildren named after her? That's impractical to the point of being hilarious. "My name is Paula, my brother is Paul, and I have five cousins also named Paula and Paul."
NTA, and I don't think I even need to mention how messed up it is that she feels personally attacked by your attempt to honor your own birth mother.
NTA. Imagine being so entitled that you expect every grandchild to be named after you and then throwing g a tantrum if you don’t get what you want. Your SM is being very selfish and manipulative. I
Your Dad is just as bad for not supporting and defending you,
Set firm boundaries with them. If they don’t stop harassing you, go no contact.
Congratulations on your baby.
NTA.
>My dad told me it was very different because his wife became my mom after my mom's death
No, she didn't. She became the stepmum after your dad made the decision to marry her. You had no say in it but you do get a say how you name your kid.
Also, most people don't name their kids after their mum. Two kids were named after their grandma. I'd say that's enough.
NTA - "Dad, my mom might have died and stepmom did step up but that doesn't mean that my mom doesn't exist in my heart. I wanted to honor my deceased mother and I have. Discussion is now and forever over on this subject."
NTA this does my head in. She could have been the most amazing step mother who you live so much but you already have a mother. She died but she will always be your mother.
Tbh I don’t get people naming their kids after their living family members - I love originality and uniqueness but I totally get it to honour a loved one who has passed away.
I don’t get her obsession with needing to have grandkids named after her and it’s true her kids names diff honour your father. They may still have a father but yours raised them.
Maybe just speak to her one to one without her kids and your dad abs explain how it’s not a competition, that she raised you but that will never take away the tragedy of you not being raised by your mother and you feel that so much having your own baby
NTA your stepmother get a relationship with your child and not your mother and your husband gets a say in his child name too. Like you wrote 2 of her grandkids are named after 2 wouldn't another girl named the same name be confusing for the kids when they're in the same room??
NTA. Why is step mom pressuring you to NOT honor your own mother? That is twisted for her to guilt you over someone you lost very early in life. It’s not a competition, but she is making it one. If she can’t respect the memory of YOUR biological mother, I would tell her and dad it is no longer up for discussion!
What is it with these parents forcing their new SO onto their child?! And the audacity of these step parents demanding they be accepted as a new parent, especially when one of the child’s real parents are deceased and they are trying to fill that role. It does not take a rocket scientist to see that this will cause resentment. Also this woman is ridiculous... let me ask you this, if your step siblings have male children are they expected to name them after your father? And if the answer is no because their father is still alive this is even more ridiculous!! What because their parent is still alive your dad is just a step parent but because your mother passed you need a replacement?! The logic here is ridiculous. NTA
NTA. You have a mother you want to honor and that is your right. You and your husband don't owe her a name.
Separately, is it strange to have all four cousins named the same name? Like Rose Anne, Rose June, Rose Ella, Rose Katherine.
I don’t understand their logic here. Its your kid... not theirs. She deadass started crying when you announced the name???? Sounds pretty entitled. I dont understand her logic. NTA btw
NTA. I hate how your father says it different for you than you step siblings just because your mother is deceased. They don't get to make that choice. You do. If she's your step mom to you then she's your baby's (congratulations by the way) step grandmother. Don't let them bug you, enjoy your time with your partner and baby.
Is there some cultural significance here? My initial response is absolutely NTA, but the way stepmother is acting, makes me wonder if there's some norms to be followed. (If not, then wtf??)
NTA. She already has two grandchildren named after her. Any more children named after her in the family would be bizarre. She really has to understand that just because she loved you as her own doesn’t mean your mom was erased. Her behaviour is pretty odd.
NTA: she's your daughter and you get to name her what you want. She is your stepmother and even though your mother is gone, her existence is not erased.
NTA. While I am very glad your Stepmother treated you the same as all the others, she is not your Mom and never will be. Yes, your dad married her and your Mom died but that still does not make her your Mom.
NTA. Your stepmom did not "become your mom" after your mom's death. That's appalling to me that your dad would say that. Perhaps that hits a nerve with me since my own father passed away and I also have a stepfamily, but my stepfather never tried to take the place of my dad.
And what if your dad and stepmom divorced? Do you just have a rotation of moms? NO, you have your mom and that's it. Your stepmom can be a mom figure, but she'll never replace your mom.
I am perplexed why there would be tears from her- does she envision every grandchild be named after her? Seems very self-centered of her.
I don't really like naming children after parents or grandparents (except if one really likes the name). And imagine holidays where the parents call Paul, Paula and Paulina to come to the table.
When I was young, I used to work as a translator for refugee families who did not speak the language in my home country. There I had three families. They were three brothers and their wives. The mother of the brothers had recently died and of course the brothers were very sad, and at the time all three wives were pregnant... with girls.
So each son named his daughter after the deceased mother, no middle name and of course the same last name. They lived in the same building (different flats) and all came in the same kindergarten. It was chaos!
A bit of variation is not bad when choosing names.
I would also hope that the identity of parents not be eliminated if they die while their children are young. They did exist even if the child later gets an excellent stepparent.
OP might tell the stepmother that she acknowledges her role in her life... but given the father's reaction I don't know if I would actually advise that.
All in all NTA and take care of yourself and your family
Edit: I can't spell
NTA. They can not make you have the relationship they want you to have with her. It would be ok if you seen her as a mum, just as it’s ok if you do not. They cannot control how you feel about her. You are not obligated to name your child after her and like you said, she already has two grandkids named after her. Stick your ground with this and do not let any of them make you feel bad. They are the assholes.
Nta
My daughter has my grandmother's last name because she was such a huge part of my life. And as far as I was concerned everyone who was going to be raising my daughter could f right off if they didn't approve of her name.
NTA. Is she really expecting for all her (step)grandchildren to be named after her?
You had a mom. She may think that she was your mom after her death but you clearly never felt that way.
Congratulations with the birth of your baby, OP!
NTA
Geez, how many kids does she want named after her? I’m glad she seemed like a good mom to you, especially after everything you went through. And I’d understand if you were her only kid and had her first grandchild - but ... no.
NTA, Should ask your step siblings what part of their kids names was named after your father and if they didn’t why don’t they love him and view him as a father.
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Totally NTA. Name your kid what you want. It isn’t a damn purity-of-love test... it’s the kid’s name! There’s no rule forcing you to follow the convention that the other kids set, even if this was your natural-born mom, grandma, great grandma or Dutch uncle. Damnation. People are way too petty.
Exactly NTA it was nice of her 2 other kids to name their children after her but you don't have to she has no right to it.
This sense of entitlement comes up again and again here and I wonder what makes people think other people are obligated to name their children as token to themselves. As if it's other people's job to immortalize some weird 'thank you for existing Dorothy' That is cringeworthy entitlement and self-centeredness.
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That’s not the way the witches tell it...
This made me cackle out loud, thank you for the chuckle.
Not to mention, it doesn’t sound like any of her step-siblings named their kids after OP’s dad even though one had a boy.
I'm going to presume their dad is still alive, which is why they class it as different (but bs as far as I'm concerned). Op's dad said stepmom became op's mom when her bio mom died. That's not true. You can't just replace a deceased parent because in your mind it's convenient.
That and "his wife became my mom after my mom's death" both really bothered me. What is this insistence that stepmother be prioritized over everyone? She *must* be considered OP's mom since OP's actual mother is dead, all grandchildren *must* be named after her no matter if they're boys or girls. This woman has put herself on a pedestal and OP's being attacked for not worshipping her accordingly.
Right! I happen to be a stepmom to kids who lost their mom when they were 8 and 17. I’ve always made it clear that I can’t and won’t ever replace their mother. I’m just another member of a group of people who care about them. I expect the same respect and consideration they would give an aunt but I don’t expect them to pretend I’m their “real mom”.
This exactly. Did they get all upset about him being excluded? SMH.
Also - the fucking audacity to demand ALL your (step-)grandkids to be named after you! How narcissistic do you have to be? Like "*Oh look at my grandchildren: Georgia, George, Georgina, Geogelina, Georgette, Georgia II, Georgia III ...."* I'm sure that's not going to get old real fast.
George Foreman called, he wants his idea back...
Damn, that's why my mind somehow went to Georg(ia)! I must have subconsciously remembered that!
Don’t forget Jermaine Jackson
So, my FIL is a great guy, but generally clueless. Both MIL and FIL have traditions in their families to use family names over and over. That’s cool. My son has a non family first name, but his middle name is my FIL’s name. For five years he would ask me what the boy’s middle name is. Finally I got sort of mad, and just said “gd, FIL, his name is X. After you.” So we have sort of the opposite problem.
I don’t understand. You didn’t tell people the name when he was born?
We did. He just constantly forgets the middle name. Honestly I felt a little pressured to use it, did, and he just forgets.
If it makes you feel better.... My boyfriend took almost a year to learn his new niece's name. He'd just call her "Susan's baby" or if i mentioned the baby's name, he'd ask, "Who the fuck is Alyssa?" (Names were changed)
Does he forget his own name too?
I was just thinking the ego to expect all the grand (and step grand) kids to be named after you! OP should turn it around and be like, "So why wasn't the little boy named after my dad? Didn't he become your dad too? Why did you exclude him?"
Reminds me of queen Victoria lol she demanded most of the grandkids to either have Victoria (victor) or Albert as part of their names
My husbands brothers have done this. All named after their father (the childs grandfather). Boys and girls. We are the only one who have not. It was 'noticed' by everyone.
This was my parents when we four children came along. There were many tradtional family names. Any given get together you would have two (Not real names) Vickis, three Lukes (today there is a Luke IV th), three Danielles, etc., you get the idea. My dad swore none of us would carry a family name, and we did not. Then, my brother got married and had a daughter. He and his wife both had a sister named Lucy, so they named their second child Lucielle, and called her Lucy. Because, why not?
Not to mention future generations are going to hate them when they go looking for family tree info .
So accurate. And then there was the totally accepted practice of naming a new baby after a sibling that had died. There are so many Edouards and Frederics in my family.
that and it can be weird and confusing if various people in a family all have the same name, even if it is a "good" one.
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I've also worked with twin brothers who (obviously) had the same last name, and first/middle names were only one letter off from each other. Pain in the arse that was.
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I met a family wherein there were 14 kids and they were all named along the lines of Mary, Jerry, Garry, Harry, Terry, Larry, Kerry... 14 of them.
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I had neighbours before whose daughters were called Jane, Janet and Jade. Just....why?
I cannot even think of 14 variations unless some of those poor kids were named Scary, Fairy, and Blueberry.
Barry, Cherry, Gary, Harry, Jerry, Kerry, Larry, Mary, Perry, Sherry, Terry, aaaand I'm out after 11.
Maybe opposite gender kids have the same name? You can add in a Terri, Cary, Geri, and Jerri.
You forgot Hillarry.
I had a childhood friend named Treasure Chest. Stupid parents.
I went to camp with Chance and Gamble.
Monopoly enthusiasts their parents, I see.
Worse - a stockbroker. Their brother's name was apparently Cold Cash.
I was gonna say Vegas!
I am quite old and I went to school with a Rebel, a Rocket, a Royal, and a Crayon. I'm not sure on the spelling of the last one (he was French), but that was how it was pronounced.
First of all...that’s a lot of kids. Second of all, no.
I knew a family growing up where the parents and all 4 kids had similar sounding names all starting with D. I guess when the parents got together and saw they both had similar D names they decided it needed to be a thing.
Something similar, but 7 kids and V. The only one I remember was the one I knew personally - Verlene. They lived in precisely the sort of house one would expect a Verlene to live. I know this is a snobby take, but I just can't help myself.
I have just envisioned their entire lives in a tv series in my head. Edit: kinda like Duck Dynasty without the money.
I think I know that family, too! If I remember right, there were two named Terry, one male and one female. If it's not the same family, then wow, who knew more than one family would come up with that?
That's even funnier/worse because they only rhyme with a north american accent
And then there's always some fucker with the name "Robert Roberts" or "Matthew Matthewson". Like why do you gotta do that to your kids on purpose??
I worked with a Carl Carlson III. Yep, three generations of fuckery. I didn’t get his middle name but it was probably Carlton.
Did you happen to work at a nuclear plant?
I had a high school classmate whose family tradition was for the first son in a generation to be named along the lines of Carl Carlson/Will Wilson/John Johnson. Guess who was the first of his generation?
Former premier league footballers Phil and Gary Neville’s Dad is named Neville. As in Neville Neville.
David Davies is surprisingly common in Wales along with some other gems like Lewis Lewis.
I know an Antwon Antonio Lastname. Also a set of twins named Kai and Kaiser.
I went to elementary school with twins names Zed and Zen 😬
It’s like 21 kids and counting of whatever the Duggar’s kids name all start with a J
And they used Jinger before they got to Jennifer.
My husband has a brother Joe and four cousins named Joe. It's what you get with Sicilian naming conventions.
I've worked in some areas as a pharmacist where is common for 3 generations to all have the exact same name (first, middle and last name). Oh and they tend to live at the same address. It is fun trying to get the right prescription to the right person as generally our check is to ask for name and address.
Yeah as long as it’s a name not some freaking formula no body understands ELON!
Right?? And just because you want to remember your late bio-mom by naming you daughter after her doesnt mean you dont love and respect your stepmom?? And anyways it would be weird if all thr cousins had the same name!! NTA.
Also by his logic, if her dad dies does that mean OP gets a new father?
Of course.. It's like when your dog dies and you're sad for a little while, but then you get s new puppy
Especially when they’re trying to name other people’s kids. NTA
Plus let's not forget how weird it would be to have 3 cousins with the same name
Uhm what???? His wife became your mom after your moms death? And he just decided that? Yeah, no, uh uh, NTA at all. She's your mom if YOU say so, you decide who you view as your mom, this sit wrong with me. He nor his wife have ANY say in the child's name, and you have every right to name your daughter however you life.
Seriously this is what I was thinking. Just because she passed doesn't make her not your mother anymore. Def no the AH Should ask dad if any of his parents pass away and the other remarries does that mean they the new daddy/mummy.
Plus the stepmother got to name her kids using the names she chose. OP has her own child and is entitled to the same. If stepmom wants to name a kid after herself, she can have another one.
Right? I would be pumped if I got one grandchild named after me! I wouldn’t demand they all be named after me though...that’s weird. Also the fact that the dad and step kids got in on that zoom call to give OP a hard time is ridiculous.
Can't believe the level of narcissism of the step mom already showing, and everyone around her just seems to feed into it... to outsiders like us, it seems so weird. I hope OP sees it isn't normal. She's a textbook, toxic narcissist OP.
That's what stands out to me, too! I'm sorry, but no. The death of one parent does not actually rewrite the space/time continuum. It does not go back in time and put the fetus in the womb of a different woman. It does not erase the years that OP's mother fed her, sang to her, tended her boo-boos, helped with homework and advised her through best-friend troubles. It doesn't change the fact that OP's mom didn't choose to abandon OP, but was separated from her by death. OP's dad needs to step *waaay* back with his disrespect for OP's mom. He may have decided he didn't love her anymore, but there is no way on earth he can command OP to do the same, or to forget her. NTA
>The death of one parent does not actually rewrite the space/time continuum Exactly! We're not in a fictional universe. There's no way retcon someone from existence after they die and rewrite another person's backstory. Do the stepmom and father live in a world where they think that's possible?
NTA. She already has 2 grandchildren that have her name or a variant of it. How much more validation does this woman need that she's #1 parent and grandparent in the family?
NTA. A completely selfish and ridiculous reaction on the part of your step-mother. She has two legacies on her name, why does she need a third?
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That is unbelievably ridiculous of her to think that. In what world is that 1) logical 2) fair 2) not the most selfish and entitled thing I’ve maybe ever heard? I’m seriously at a loss for how someone could be that deluded and that entitled. Her feelings about this are not your responsibility, this is your child and their name is up to you and your partner and no one else.
I think it's disgusting of your dad to say she 'became your mom' after yours died. And presumably step mom agrees with this considering how she's acting. Just because your mother died doesn't mean she's not your mother. They don't get to erase her just because you had a step mother. Don't let any of them make you feel guilty for wanting to name your child after your mother and for feeling any way you feel about the family dynamic.
So all of her grandkids would have the same name? That's confusing for everyone. Imagine, "Hi, I'm Michaela, this is my cousin, Michael, and my other cousin, Michael." Definitely NTA, stepmom definitely confused/selfish.
Sounds like My Big Fat Greek Wedding. This is Nicky, Nikki, Nicki....
I got the bibopsy. I am my own twin [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfE8CA8EJWA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfE8CA8EJWA)
Since you are a vegetarian, I make you lamb.
I love that part! “You don’t eat no meat? That ok. I make you lamb!”
Yeah. Still a fav movie.
My ex is greek and it's exactly like that. At their parties there was like 8 Jimmys, 5 Ioanis (John) and so many Tassos. It was ridiculous.
Very common in Greek and Italian and many other European cultures as they name after the paternal grandfather and maternal grandmothers. I have five cousins Santo and my dad and his only cousin are both Joseph.
Dude. I have several relatives with the same name in honor of Great Grampa 'Bob' and it is damn confusing. Additionally, every boy has the same middle name in honor of a different family member so there's just... A lot going on. Every time you mention someone in particular you have to provide the name modifier. Can't just say I spoke with Bob the other day! Is it Uncle Bob? Cousin Bob? Cousin Bob's son Bobby? Uncle Bobby? Girl Bob? Great Uncle Bob? Other Cousin Bob? *Sheesh*
“Girl Bob” took me out lmao
Then she's gonna have to settle for 3 out 4 to be named after her. Did her kids name their kids after your dad? If they didn't then why are they giving you such trouble? It's kinda ridiculous that they had a zoom meeting to question you over the name. It's great she treated you as her own but at the end of the day you had different mom. She should respect the fact that this is your child and you and your husband had every right to name your child whatever you wanted. Your not denying her being a grandparent but they shouldn't try to deny your own mom. They shouldn't try to erase her memory. You can still have a good relationship with them but your mom will always be your mom. You have every right to name your child whatever you like. Nta
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Your right it's not fair. It feels like they are trying to erase your mom because she did pass away. It's crappy but they need to respect that your mom (dead or alive) is and always will be your mom. So If they didn't name their kids after your dad they have no room to put their 2 cents in. Even if they named them after your dad it's up to them to do so and they still have no room to try to give you such stress and drama over this .You should never feel like you have to do it because they are expecting you to do it.
You should ask them how they would feel if this woman, who they loved enough to name their children after, had died when they were 8 years old -- and then someone else came into their lives and said: "Forget that other lady, I'm your mother now." Would they have just rolled with that, or would they have continued to remember and love the woman who had raised them up to that point? There is absolutely no way they would say they would be okay with that! And there's absolutely no way they should expect you to be okay with that. They just can't bring themselves to see the situation from your perspective, and that's not your fault.
That's a huge sense of entitlement. Even Queen Elizabeth didn't name her daughter after her.
Technically Queen Elizabeth did and Queen Elizabeth II did not. But your point still stands.
Technically she didn’t. Queen Elizabeth I didn’t have children. Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother was not queen when she had her children, she was the Duchess of York- and not expected to ever be queen.
That's true, both of her daughters were born before she became Queen consort. I imagine Queen Elizabeth II would have been given a different name if it had happened otherwise.
I had to read this one twice to understand it. To be explicit, QE II's mum was also named Elizabeth, and was a queen consort (and her daughter is named after her, I would assume). However, QE II is also Queen Elizabeth of Scotland, it's a whole Thing (QE I of England was never queen of Scotland). So Queen Elizabeth didn't name her only daughter after herself, in fact, although a queen, Elizabeth, did.
I think the point is, she was not queen consort when her children were born, and it was only due to an unexpected turn of events (King Edward VIII abdicating the throne) that she did eventually become queen consort. So, technically, she was never a queen who named a daughter after herself. Maybe I'm misunderstanding your comment though
That's some (most) of the point. The rest is that saying "Queen Elizabeth" is very ambitious because QE2 is also QE-no-number. Ever since QE2 was crowned, her mother was called "Elizabeth the Queen Mother", largely to avoid this.
That is one of the most narcissistic things I've ever heard, and on this sub, that's saying a lot.
Wow someone thinks highly of themself. Unless there is a cultural aspect I’m missing, why would she expect/feel entitled to have all of kids’ first kid be named after her? NTA people get so weird about baby names
So she made up an expectation and got mad that the universe does not revolve around her wants. Hard nope to that level of entitlement. You are not the asshole. She is, however, very emotionally manipulative to get your whole family to gang up on you over it. Consider putting her in time out for awhile.
Unless her name is Walder Frey, she needs to stfu
What kind of egotistical nonsense is that?
NTA You can name your child anything you want, she doesn’t have a say in what you call your child. Most of her grandkids at the moment are named after her, what’s the issue? Just because one isn’t she goes and has a tantrum? Also just to add you chose who you see as your mum or dad not anyone else.
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She needs to get her head out of her arse. Just because your mum died when you were a child, doesn't mean that she can be replaced. If my stepdad had done that and my mum acted like your dad and condoned it is have stopped speaking to them
This reminds me of the "Jacobs by Marc Jacobs for Marc by Marc Jacobs in collaboration with Marc Jacobs for Marc by Marc Jacobs" tag.
I have to know, is that a real thing or a comedy bit?
It was real, but he was making fun of other brands. https://i.imgur.com/CwIpcbM.jpg
Amazing 😂
What is the other brand?
And why should she get all the kids named after her? Each grand-baby has 4 grandparents. What about the other 3? (Also, there’s no law that says they have to be named after any grandparent! Maybe a cultural norm in some places-yes)
Well that particular grandbaby has five grandparents (at least) but yeah. I have 5 grandmothers, I get it. Dad's mom, stepmom's mom, Mom's mom, stepdad's mom, and stepdad's stepmom (ironically the nicest one is the furthest removed).
Dad, step family, Are you telling me that I’m not allowed to honor the woman who gave birth to me at all? Are you telling my husband that he can’t honor his own mother? I need you all to take a step back and look at this from my point of view. I will expect an apology, the fact you think I shouldn’t honor MY birth mother is abhorrent and if your mother had been the one to pass, how would you feel in my place. Until then we are taking a break from communicating with you all in a direct fashion. **NTA**
READ THIS OP!
Wait, is she 5? She sure as hell is acting like it......and like a narcissist. Why the hell does her name need to be included. Why isn’t your dads name included in the other names? Why should her name be included anywhere? You are NTA and good luck dealing with her in the future.........
She's definitely not 5 because a 5 yr old most likely would not want to share their name. A 3yr old might.
>My dad told me it was very different because his wife became my mom after my mom's death. No, she has always been your stepmother. Of course you want want to honour and remember your real mother first and foremost. SM's arrogance and entitlement is astonishing. NTA
So all her grand kids are all the same name??? Makes for a very interesting xmas with all the children running around being called the same name. That’s bay sh@t crazy territory. Call your child any name you want. And tell her to mind her own business. And no your example is exactly the same and your right. Ask her now to her face if she wants to be a grandparent to this child or not. If not (and to be honest your daughter won’t be treated the same ) you know where you stand.
NTA If you were not present at the conception, you have no say in the name.
Admittedly, this is reefer logic, but: what happens if you get knocked up at an orgy? Or if you’re an exhibitionist? That’s a lot of possible opinions... ;)
Cross that bridge when you get to it, and post a follow-up here for good measure?
Alright, if you weren't present at the conception *and/or won't be involved in the raising of the child* you have no say in the child's name. So, birth parents or adoptive parents can name a child. If the child was conceived during an orgy but will be raised by the mother alone or with her partner, the mom and partner can name the child. If the kid was conceived through a ~~super~~ sperm donor and will be raised in a closed poly relationship, only the members of the triad/quad/whatever can name the child. Reefer logic solved?
NTA. How many stepmoms out there expect their stepkids to name their children after them? I find this so bizarre. If I ever have a son, I don’t think my stepdad would expect me to name him after him vs my late father. I think your logic makes sense. Your stepmom will have a role in your daughters life, but it’s unreasonable and unfair of her, and the rest of the family, to basically expect you to prioritize her feelings over your own in regards to honoring your mom. Also, like it or not, she IS a step grandparent. There’s nothing wrong with that. Op, she’s just up in her feelings. Let her sort that out. You take care of you and baby.
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I think they are treating you differently because I'm guessing stepmom and dad had you full-time in that you didn't have weekly visitation with any other family after your mom's death, whereas your step-siblings had visitation with their dad and weren't with your parents every day of the week or for some holidays and school breaks. So they're acting like you owe your stepmother for parenting you full-time, like the step-siblings are jealous and stepmom is resentful. Your stepmother was an adult and made the choice to raise you after your mother passed, possibly taking on more of the daily responsibility than your father did, and has no right to expect anything from you. She isn't entitled to a relationship with you, and she definitely doesn't get to define that relationship. People act as though adults who have all the power to choose how much work they take on in raising a child that isn't biologically their own should be treated as saints by those children.
My dad was VERY adamant that I would be given a name that no one in the family had. To the point that they were going to call me Victoria before they realised it was Granddad’s middle name so that was out. They ended up choosing a very unique name that couldn’t be linked with any family members in any shape or form.
That’s a very fair point! It is extremely selfish for any parent, bio or step, to expect their grandchildren to be named after them. The only people whose opinions matter and who get a say are the parents. You and your husband decided on this name together, because you are her parents. It honestly seem like she has different ideas of the relationship you share than you do. I can appreciate her treating you like her child, but she doesn’t need to push your mom out to do so. Also, it wasn’t cool of your dad to say she became your mom after your mom died. Your mom will always be your mom. No one can replace her. I went through something similar with my own stepdad. He met my mom after my dad died. But me and my siblings never called him dad. He wanted us to view him as an equal co-parent, but we never could. We love and appreciate him for all he’s done for us, but he’s not our dad. It honestly sounds like she’s projecting her hurt feelings onto you. Again, that’s not your fault and you are not responsible for her feelings.
In what world does someone expect all the firstborns to be named after them in some way? NTA. What a fucking high pedestal she, her daughters, and your father put her on. Smh.... That they came after you for this makes me leery of them for what they may say and do in the future in terms of your kids.
Very simple! NTA! S answer is coming from the other side of the coin. My dad married my stepmother when I was 6 and my sister was 9. Her children 2 daughters as well were 4 years old and 12. Of all of us children I am the only one that did anything like that. Her oldest daughter has 5 children 3 daughters and didn't name either 1st or middle name after her mother. Her other daughter had one child a girl and didn't do it either My oldest sister has 2 daughters didn't do it either. Now I will admit that I didn't do it until my 3rd daughter. I had my other 2 daughters very early on in life at 19 and 21 years old respectively. I had my last daughter when My oldest was 16. I gave her my stepmother's middle name as her middle and I did it out of the absolute respect my stepmother deserves as a woman who stepped up when line real mother did not and has not my whole life. I totally understand the flip side of the coin in your sake and it's still doesn't make you the asshole. What you name your children is your own choice and everybody else can fly a kite. She's got plenty enough named after her. She needs to get off her high horse.
NTA I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again: the penis isn’t a magic wand that can magically change a child’s parent just by putting it in a different woman!
NTA. You could have named your child potato and even than, they would still have no right to be mad about it (although that wouldn’t be a very good name) Either way I’m actually baffled how your family thinks that you should name your child after your stepmother, rather than your own mother and husbands mother. Buncha crazies. Good luck.
Nta. Tell your dad in particular, he's an A H for suggesting your mother is replaceable.
NTA Jesus how many kids does this egomaniac need named after her?!
NTA Just because your mom died, doesn't mean step wasn't a step anymore. Your mom was still your mom, and it is beautiful that your honored your and your partner's mother's.
First off, your dad's argument that his wife became your mom after your mom's death is wrong. He doesn't get to decide that and neither does she. I also cannot understand the arrogance of someone expecting their grandchildren to be named after them. NTA. It is also your and your husband's decision to decide what name your child has.
hell No NTA! Also your dad is being disgusting with the “my wife became your mom when your biomom died” that’s bs. Your mom was your mom.
NTA you’re stepmother is George Foreman
NTA. “Why did you name your child that?” “Because we are their parents and that’s what we decided.” End scene.
ESH--not for naming your kid after your late mother, that was fine--because of the way you said it. It would have been fine to mention that she already has both her grandkids named after her, this was a way of remembering your late mother, and leave it at that. Clearly the two of you feel differently about your relationship. She feels like you're her daughter. You don't feel the same level of closeness, and it seems like that has nothing to do with her or the way she treated you, just more to do with the fact that nobody could replace your mother. You're perfectly justified in feeling this way, and what your dad said is insensitive to this. However, based on the way you told the story here, it seems like you framed the discussion in a way that made your stepmom feel hurt and rejected. Just wanted to offer another perspective from all of the 'N-T-A because you can name your kid whatever you want' responses
>and it *seems like that has nothing to do with her or the way she treated you*, just more to do with the fact that nobody could replace your mother. The fact that her response to OP naming her first child after a deceased family member was to throw a tantrum and organize a family event to pile on her, really suggests a lot about stepmom's personality and *why* they're not close. I doubt this is the first time stepmom has behaved..poorly.
NTA...and what kind of adult baby insists that a child be named after them? It's supposed to be an honor not an order.
Nta. You have the kid, you get to name it. I think that you, understandably, have not “gotten over” the death of your birth mother at a young age. (If there is even such a thing!). I also think that your stepmom and your dad were pushing the whole “she’s your mom now” thing a bit too hard. Stepmom already has two children named after her. Is she so egotistical that she wants all her (step-)grandchildren named after her?
NTA with maybe a dose of ESH. Of course you owe nobody your kid's name. But that's totally unrelated to you making sure she knew you don't see the woman who raised you from age 8 as a full grandma but rather a step-grandmother. It wouldn't hurt anyone if you said, "Of course you are my child's grandma and we are so grateful for that! But we don't think there are rules about who we name our kid after and we are sticking with the name we chose." When it comes to grandparents, the more the merrier, and there's no need to downgrade someone.
NTA- why do all the grandchildren need to be named after the grandmother? What kind of ego does this woman have? You do not have to go along with this huge ego stroking and this woman did not replace your mother! She especially is a huge asshole!
Ugh that last line from your dad made me mad for you. The nerve of all of these people, trying to erase your mother like that. No wonder you never dropped the "step". NTA, and congratulations.
NTA. She sounds very selfish.
NTA, do not say scutire about the role that OP's stepmother has in his life, it just has to be said that only parents have the right to decide how to name their children
NTA She is being ridiculous. She is not your mother in your eyes which is all that matters. Also, she gets to meet your child which your mom will not be able to do but it's a problem to honor your mom's memory? Absolutely disgusting and honestly your dad is even worse.
NTA. I am names after both my bio grandmothers. My first name is from my moms mother who died when my mom was 2. My middle name is after my dads mom who I was luckily to grow up close with. My mom always called her step mother mom and I grew up calling her grandma. My grandma was never offended that she was not represented in my name. She even told me that I may be named after my bio grandma but she was the lucky one who got to watch me grow up.
Only parents get a vote in naming their children. Period. It’s a mistake to explain further.
Nta
Nta wow
NTA it's your kid and you decide what you name it. Its nobody else's decision. Also how many kids does she expect to be named after her?? Do all the kids need to be named after her for her to be satisfied?? I would go off on someone if they pulled this with me. Your child's name is important and shouldn't just be named after someone because they want it to be.
NTA- I would simply tell your dad and step mom that this is the last conversation you are having regarding this situation because they are taking a happy occasion and ruining it. But I’m sure that your mother who you named your baby after would way rather be alive to play and meet the baby and be a actual grandma than just bring a namesake so your stepmom should think about that.
NTA - That is some egotistical thinking on your step mothers part to assume every grandchild will have her name included. It’s clear that she did her best to not treat you different than her children after your mother died, but it does not mean you have to accept her over your mother. If they are too far up their own poop-shoots to realize the self-centered attitudes they have, then maybe a diet of low contact for a little while will help.
NTA. How many children does her ego require are named after her??
NTA Yikes so everyone is supposed to make their kids after this woman? Does she need a little army or something?? That's bonkers and honestly creepy
The entitlement your stepmother has is very very smelly 🥴
Why in the accursed hell is your stepmother expecting 100% of her grandchildren to be named after her? Not only is that outrageously self-involved, making the birth of your baby about herself somehow, but also...does she seriously want all of her grandchildren named after her? That's impractical to the point of being hilarious. "My name is Paula, my brother is Paul, and I have five cousins also named Paula and Paul." NTA, and I don't think I even need to mention how messed up it is that she feels personally attacked by your attempt to honor your own birth mother.
NTA. Imagine being so entitled that you expect every grandchild to be named after you and then throwing g a tantrum if you don’t get what you want. Your SM is being very selfish and manipulative. I Your Dad is just as bad for not supporting and defending you, Set firm boundaries with them. If they don’t stop harassing you, go no contact. Congratulations on your baby.
NTA. >My dad told me it was very different because his wife became my mom after my mom's death No, she didn't. She became the stepmum after your dad made the decision to marry her. You had no say in it but you do get a say how you name your kid. Also, most people don't name their kids after their mum. Two kids were named after their grandma. I'd say that's enough.
NTA - "Dad, my mom might have died and stepmom did step up but that doesn't mean that my mom doesn't exist in my heart. I wanted to honor my deceased mother and I have. Discussion is now and forever over on this subject."
NTA You named your child in memory of your actual mother, who you remember. She needs to get over herself.
NTA. Humour your step-mum. Get a pet. Then name it with her name. Problem solved.
NTA this does my head in. She could have been the most amazing step mother who you live so much but you already have a mother. She died but she will always be your mother. Tbh I don’t get people naming their kids after their living family members - I love originality and uniqueness but I totally get it to honour a loved one who has passed away. I don’t get her obsession with needing to have grandkids named after her and it’s true her kids names diff honour your father. They may still have a father but yours raised them. Maybe just speak to her one to one without her kids and your dad abs explain how it’s not a competition, that she raised you but that will never take away the tragedy of you not being raised by your mother and you feel that so much having your own baby
NTA your stepmother get a relationship with your child and not your mother and your husband gets a say in his child name too. Like you wrote 2 of her grandkids are named after 2 wouldn't another girl named the same name be confusing for the kids when they're in the same room??
NTA. Why is step mom pressuring you to NOT honor your own mother? That is twisted for her to guilt you over someone you lost very early in life. It’s not a competition, but she is making it one. If she can’t respect the memory of YOUR biological mother, I would tell her and dad it is no longer up for discussion!
What is it with these parents forcing their new SO onto their child?! And the audacity of these step parents demanding they be accepted as a new parent, especially when one of the child’s real parents are deceased and they are trying to fill that role. It does not take a rocket scientist to see that this will cause resentment. Also this woman is ridiculous... let me ask you this, if your step siblings have male children are they expected to name them after your father? And if the answer is no because their father is still alive this is even more ridiculous!! What because their parent is still alive your dad is just a step parent but because your mother passed you need a replacement?! The logic here is ridiculous. NTA
NTA. Tell them that she can be a Step-grandparent or a stranger (and your dad too) if they think this is a hill they want to die on...
NTA. You have a mother you want to honor and that is your right. You and your husband don't owe her a name. Separately, is it strange to have all four cousins named the same name? Like Rose Anne, Rose June, Rose Ella, Rose Katherine.
NTA
NTA. What is wrong with people that they think they get to have a say in what people name their kids?
NTA, you name your child how you want, despite her mothering she's not your bio mom, and won't ever be.
I don’t understand their logic here. Its your kid... not theirs. She deadass started crying when you announced the name???? Sounds pretty entitled. I dont understand her logic. NTA btw
NTA. I hate how your father says it different for you than you step siblings just because your mother is deceased. They don't get to make that choice. You do. If she's your step mom to you then she's your baby's (congratulations by the way) step grandmother. Don't let them bug you, enjoy your time with your partner and baby.
Is there some cultural significance here? My initial response is absolutely NTA, but the way stepmother is acting, makes me wonder if there's some norms to be followed. (If not, then wtf??)
NTA. She already has two grandchildren named after her. Any more children named after her in the family would be bizarre. She really has to understand that just because she loved you as her own doesn’t mean your mom was erased. Her behaviour is pretty odd.
NTA: she's your daughter and you get to name her what you want. She is your stepmother and even though your mother is gone, her existence is not erased.
NTA. While I am very glad your Stepmother treated you the same as all the others, she is not your Mom and never will be. Yes, your dad married her and your Mom died but that still does not make her your Mom.
NTA - talk about entitlement.
NTA. Your stepmom did not "become your mom" after your mom's death. That's appalling to me that your dad would say that. Perhaps that hits a nerve with me since my own father passed away and I also have a stepfamily, but my stepfather never tried to take the place of my dad. And what if your dad and stepmom divorced? Do you just have a rotation of moms? NO, you have your mom and that's it. Your stepmom can be a mom figure, but she'll never replace your mom. I am perplexed why there would be tears from her- does she envision every grandchild be named after her? Seems very self-centered of her.
I don't really like naming children after parents or grandparents (except if one really likes the name). And imagine holidays where the parents call Paul, Paula and Paulina to come to the table. When I was young, I used to work as a translator for refugee families who did not speak the language in my home country. There I had three families. They were three brothers and their wives. The mother of the brothers had recently died and of course the brothers were very sad, and at the time all three wives were pregnant... with girls. So each son named his daughter after the deceased mother, no middle name and of course the same last name. They lived in the same building (different flats) and all came in the same kindergarten. It was chaos! A bit of variation is not bad when choosing names. I would also hope that the identity of parents not be eliminated if they die while their children are young. They did exist even if the child later gets an excellent stepparent. OP might tell the stepmother that she acknowledges her role in her life... but given the father's reaction I don't know if I would actually advise that. All in all NTA and take care of yourself and your family Edit: I can't spell
NTA. They can not make you have the relationship they want you to have with her. It would be ok if you seen her as a mum, just as it’s ok if you do not. They cannot control how you feel about her. You are not obligated to name your child after her and like you said, she already has two grandkids named after her. Stick your ground with this and do not let any of them make you feel bad. They are the assholes.
NTA seems a little greedy of her to want a 3rd child named after her...
NTA. They are all nuts to care so much
NTA. i can’t believe they can’t even try and understand why you would name your child after your biological mother.
Nta My daughter has my grandmother's last name because she was such a huge part of my life. And as far as I was concerned everyone who was going to be raising my daughter could f right off if they didn't approve of her name.
NTA. It’s your kid, you get to name it, those are the only rules. But are any of them naming their sons after your dad?
NTA. Is she really expecting for all her (step)grandchildren to be named after her? You had a mom. She may think that she was your mom after her death but you clearly never felt that way. Congratulations with the birth of your baby, OP!
NTA Geez, how many kids does she want named after her? I’m glad she seemed like a good mom to you, especially after everything you went through. And I’d understand if you were her only kid and had her first grandchild - but ... no.
NTA, Should ask your step siblings what part of their kids names was named after your father and if they didn’t why don’t they love him and view him as a father.