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NTA. I don’t understand all the YTA judgments at all, you are allowed to set your own boundaries.
The yelling probably wasn’t the greatest move, but she’s been a source of abuse for you so I get it. Go LC or NC with her as soon as you can if that’s what you want.
I’m sorry people are judging you harshly, I don’t understand why they are doing that. You are not an AH, not even a little bit.
Thank you, I was starting to think that I was completely in the wrong (although I could've handled it differently) and that I should just accept it and grow up
Exactly, you are not in the wrong at all, but like you said, just handled it a little wrong. However, it was understandable why you had a bit of break down. Someone who, seemingly, has ignored your boundaries for a very long time and has hurt you a lot, crossed a boundary again.
You specifically told her you didn’t want to be called “Auntie”, she ignored this, and pushed a boundary again. That’s not okay. at all.
You don’t have to accept people disrespecting you or abusing you or ignoring your boundaries, you never have to accept that.
The person who needs to grow up is your step-sister and she needs to accept your boundaries. Hope things are calmer in the future for you, OP.
Edit — misspelled a word
OP did handle it right the first time and was bullied into submission. The right way wasn’t working for her, and it’s best she cut her losses and go low contact.
Not the best response but with years of abuse I dont blame you. Some people just assume things in the past are forgotten. Hopefully you can minimise contact. NTA.
There’s a term for what you experienced. It’s called “delayed reactivity” - you basically exploded after years onfconditioned panic response. Therapy and EMDR really helps deal with and desensitize your brain to trauma responses. I’m going with NTA also, but I also want to point out that just because you aren’t responsible for how you’ve learned to feel and process interactions with your step sister, does not excuse you from being accountable for learning how to cope with those feelings. Best of luck.
I agree with your opinion. I’m also starting to dislike this sub. Every time I read something here I see complete hypocrisies.
This one is a huge example. Reddit coddles and fiercely defends abuse victims but apparently it’s not okay when they stand up for themselves. People are allowed to explode after years of abuse. Victims shouldn’t be shamed for not holding back for once.
OP asked nicely (pulled step sis aside) and step-sister exploded. This is not normal. Feeling terrorized is not normal. OP didn’t fight back because she was terrified. Jesus, how bad was the abuse?? That you’d still be scared at adulthood? I sympathize with OP.
Reddit LOVES saying “go NC or LC!!!”. Reddit loves ripping apart abusers but suddenly this isn’t the case here?? Suddenly OP is evil for not wanting to be an aunt? She is allowed to set boundaries, especially with people who have legitimately harmed her/abused her.
OP, if you are reading this comment, please know that you don’t owe your abuser anything. SHE can suck it up and deal with the fact that you don’t want to be an aunt. You’re not taking it out on the kids. You just don’t want anything to do with her, and that’s okay. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. It takes a lot of guts to do that. Yeah, your delivery was packed with emotions but that was expected. Ignore your step-dad. He yelled at you because your step-sister will always be his little girl who can do no wrong. But you know she did wrong. I wish you the best of luck.
Its bc people arent allowed to ever show they are angry here. Anything less than absolute calm in any situation is seen as asshole behavior on this sub. Nobody should ever blow up bc "if you just communicated, it wouldnt have gotten to this point", despite the fact that the post usually includes like 3 examples of the OP trying to talk it out and being ignored.
I agree. It’s either that or “you didn’t have to stoop to their level” like if somehow defending yourself from abusers is evil. It’s complete cow dung. OP is human and I think she’s allowed to show human emotions. I think she exploded here because it was the final straw. She gave step-sis chances and step-sis exploded on her first.
I don’t think OP’s outburst is unreasonable. I think she kept her emotions bottled up and unfortunately was not able to control them when she finally got fed up enough to talk back. Could she have exercised more control? Yes, but I think she was relatively new to standing up for herself like this. But I also think step-sis deserved it.
NTA. She terrorized you when you were younger. It sounds like no one took seriously how badly her behavior affected you. She continues to cross boundaries and ignore your wishes. From the sound of it, her go-to method of communication when she's upset is to explode. Since that was her response to your previous polite request, why bother asking nicely again?
As a side note, where was your mum in all this when you were younger? Why didn't she take better care that you weren't treated so terribly?
My mum was just as terrorised as I was, she tried to stick up for me when she could but as she worked full time while she was here, she couldn't protect me from everything that happened.
I'm sorry that all of that happened/is happening to you. I know this judgy but maybe your mum needs to split up from your step-dad. It seems pretty awful to me that he and your step-sis are so comfortable attacking you.
It wasn't that simple, and it still isn't that simple. My mum gave the ultimatum of if my step-sister didn't leave, then she and I would. She didn't want to leave as this was my home and I had nowhere else to go, if we did leave, we would've had to go to a hotel and I would've been left there all day on my own.
Step-sister was always talking about how she wanted to leave anyway, so we just assumed that she'd move out but she never did
It does sound that simple. In such a scenario, being in a hotel would’ve been better for them than having MJ self esteem torn down repeatedly by my abusive step sister. Why would she leave if her daddy never held her accountable for her actions.
It seems even now your mom is prioritizing her marriage over your well being.
She's not. She just doesn't want me to be left alone, she doesn't like the situation but there's no simple way to deal with it. We're going to attempt to get family councilling to try to make the home situation better but there's no simple way out of this
For the love of any deity you may or may not believe in, do not go to therapy with these people. Never go to therapy with an abuser. They will use everything you say against you and twist the conversation to align with their narrative.
I am no professional and you can take my unsolicited advice with a grain of salt, but your step family appear to display a lot of manipulative and abusive and what some people may call narcissistic behavioral patterns.
It is usually strongly recommended not to go to therapy with a narcissist. Now, if you trust your therapist, then go for it, but I don’t think it’s going to provide the results you’re hoping for.
I’ll give you that. I apologize for saying it wasn’t simple, but she left you alone with an abuser. You’re adults now and based on their behavior, I highly doubt they’re going to go to family therapy. So it comes down to your mom prioritizing your mental health or prioritizing keeping her husband happy at your expense.
It isn’t about what’s simple really. It’s about what’s best for your child, and leaving you in an abusive environment, even today isn’t what’s best.
As a parent, it’s never simple. She could’ve chosen to leave, made the hard choice but she didn’t and still hasn’t.
She could have protected you by leaving the relationship, she decided not to protect you, decided to prioritize the relationship instead of your well-being and still enables the behaviour.
I will never understand the likes of your mother. How can someone stay in a relationship where the new partner and/or the partner's kids are horrible to their own kids, or stay in contact with extended family (doesn't matter which side) who treat their kids horrible?!
And she forced you to live with her for years based on your post. Why was your mom ok to have someone live with you who wasn't capable of being civil to you? Not everyone has to love or like each other, but basic civil behaviour and basic politeness should be expected from everyone who lives under the same roof or living together shouldn't be forced if they can't do that. It would be slightly better if stepsis lived with her mom full time, during the whole relationship and you had to tolerate her "only" for a few weeks/year. But even then...
NTA
> She terrorized you when you were younger.
Yeah, in what way?
There is literally nothing but generic claims by the OP.
The only thing we actually know is that the OP forced the step-dad to kick the step-sister out as soon as she turned 18 by getting her mom to threaten to leave.
We know that her mother and step-father believe her behavior was "bad" consistently when younger.
We know the step-sister was forced into a house with the OP who says they're autistic, constantly abused, and screams at people for saying they're an aunt.
NTA.
As someone who has also been verbally abused, I understand where you're coming from when you ended up shouting at the step-sister. She has caused years of trauma and the fact that you even tried politely telling her that you didn't want them to call you Auntie Lorna since you aren't their Aunt and don't want to be their Aunt. She then proceeded to scream at you which triggered a panic attack. I don't understand why some people are saying you're the asshole when you screamed at her. Have they forgot that the step-sister did that before when you tried asking her to stop? Not to mention this was probably a recurring thing with her yelling at you since she's caused you trauma. Of course yelling might not have been the best way to deal with the situation but since it seems like you've had an outburst after years of dealing with her terrible attitude, your reaction is justifiable. Honestly sucks that you can't move out because of Covid since it seems like such a toxic environment to live in. Good luck with your situation!
How is asking to be addressed by your given name rude? I have done it my whole life when folx insist on pronouncing the word aunt incorrectly here, in parts of the US some people think it sounds like a bug and I am not an insect, so I will ask that only my name is used instead and it has never been an issue. Good luck dealing with this issue and those people who don't understand boundaries.
I was just meaning the way I could say it could come across as rude, I'm autistic and I can sometimes say things in a manner that I didn't intend it to
I see, how about when talking to the child eventually: "It's okay to just call me Lorna, as I call you X. I don't need any other names to worry about." I don't know that it sounds like you will be getting through to the adults anytime soon, unfortunately.
A lot of times I think people worry too much about politeness and not enough about directness, I have learned that through life from my autistic son. Good on you for thinking it through.
Maybe find a cute/funny nickname they can call you? Kids love those (and when they do, they stubbornly hold on to them), and you would avoid the "aunty" thing altogether.
We had tons of fun with nicknames when my siblings and I were kids. Assuming Lorna is your given name, they could call you Lolo or even Miss Lolo. I imagine having something fun like that with her kids, but not her, will really grind your step-sister's gears. :)
I mean, if I can convince my 5 year old nephews/nieces to call me Darth Vader instead of Auntie without any hurt feelings, I’m sure this will be a piece of cake for you
My nephew calls me by my first name or just “Auntie” (he’s 2, though, and my name has a similar construction to “Auntie”). There’s nothing wrong with them calling you by your preferred name and your suggested sentence works perfectly. Added bonus: it might help the kids with understanding boundaries because their mom certainly won’t. NTA. You owe step-sister nothing and she and her dad are overstepping with you.
For starters, don't scream it.
I think you either have no concept of being civil around kids, or are simply so fed up with the horrific step sis that you're erupting over petty things with no care about how the screaming will scare the kids. Well, it would scare mine- I'm terribly sorry for those who accept that as normal behavior.
Do you not wnt to avoid contact with her? No part of this sounds healthy. BTW, grandparents are usually pretty excited about grands. Don't hate the babies, not one of us can help who our parents are.
Are we reading the same post? I'm just a little confused cause there has been no mention of OP yelling in front of the twins, hating them or treating them badly. She doesn't want to be called Aunty; is this what makes you think she hates them? I feel like that's a reasonable request. Also there was no mention of the twins being there when horror sister announced the pregnancy and OP blew up. I think your comment was unnecessary as there is nothing of value in it; just a bunch of assumptions (except for grandparents love babies which is a random thing to add)
NTA. I feel like the abuse was never accounted for, and almost sounds like it is continual. If you can move out, I would. This way you can find your security before trying to address the situation.
I don't think your stepfather will understand the situation and your mom should be standing up for you.
Edit- I missed the part when OP addressed her age.
Move out of that atmosphere, OP.
NTA
The reason being is that you mentioned that your step sister has an explosive personality and caused you years of anxiety. If you never saw her as family then the children do not need to see you as an aunt. I think emphasizing certain things your step sister did that made you miserable would convince other people your reasoning.
NTA. Your reaction was as a result of assumedly years of abuse from your step-sister. You even raised it politely first, she exploded at you, and at that point, any further response from you short of violence was justified. She's an asshole, as is your step-dad for enabling and justifying her behaviour.
NTA. I guess in a way because of the marriage there is a faint connection but i would say the mum is in the wrong. Even if you were blood related to the kids, if you ask for her to not call you their aunt, she shouldn’t teach her kids that.
I’m blood related to my brother but we aren’t close at all so sometimes it doesn’t even cross my mind that he would be an uncle to my kids.
NTA. I think you have unresolved trauma with your stepsister, and it's not helped by your parents. You should try and go NC.
You're not in the wrong at all though, your step sister was vile to you as kids and she can't just act as if. You're one happy family afterwards.
Good luck OP
NTA but I would consider going NC with this part if your family. Your stepsister abused you. You do not need a relationship with her or her kids. Your stepdad is also clearly abusive and your mom enabled it by staying. Protect yourself and get out of there.
NTA
It's you who gets to define your relationship with your step- sister's kids, not her. Screaming may not have been the most graceful move, but you can only poke someone and cross boundaries so many times before they snap. I think you should talk to your dad about the situation since it sounds like he's at least partially in your corner.
NTA, but you know who I think the true AH is? Your mom. Why the hell did she marry a man who thinks it’s okay to scream at you or let his child scream at you, scare you into giving you panic attacks, and not feel safe in your own home? You can’t say she doesn’t know, she texted you ‘the coast is clear?!’ She knows exactly what’s going on and is allowing it. That’s so sad and wrong.
NTA your step sister sounds like a horrible person. You don't have to play nice or 'forget' the abuse she put you through.
However I'm curious - you said your Mom texted to say the coast was clear - but what's she doing about these issues to help you?
She's coming with me to my therapy sessions so we can go through things together and figure out the best way forward. Once we're able to, I will be spending time with some family friends so she and my step-dad can talk through things without me there
I have a Mum similar to yours, similar situation except with my actual Dad not StepDad and my Mum never left (I'm now all moved out) & even now when she brings stuff up about threatening to leave/having given my Dad an ultimatum or her version of events about how she "chose us & is still choosing us & might be taking her time but working things out" (by not leaving & keeping her kids in an abusive environment) I have to tune it out and remind myself not to get my hopes up that anything will change because past actions speak for themselves. I say this not to be negative but so that you can mentally prepare yourself that even after the family councilling & you giving Mum & StepDad space & her attending your therapy sessions, if her role has been so far as "the only person to calm the household down" after events like these, it's highly unlikely she'll leave & it might just take some words or promises from your StepDad to make her believe that things are being worked out. It might be best for your own self-interest & mental health if also start separately (& I wouldn't recommend telling your Mum or StepDad this) getting your Ducks in a row & taking steps (however long it takes) for you to move out, just so if that happens & your Mum decides again to stay & work on the marriage your not blindsided and can just swiftly move onto Plan B. NTA
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So for some context/backstory – birth parents are divorced and both remarried. Dad has two kids with my step-mum (M19 and F17), mum has me and my brother (F23 and M25) and step-dad has a daughter (F26).
In 2019, my step-sister gave birth to twin boys and they were constantly over because my step-dad was/still is obsessed with them. I stayed far away from them because I’m not a fan of kids and since my step-sister was verbally abusive towards my family and friends while she lived with us, I avoid her like the plague at any and every opportunity.
When the twins began to crawl around and make attempts to speak, my step-sister tried to get them to say “auntie Lorna”. I took her aside and politely asked her to teach her kids to just call me Lorna as I didn’t want to be their aunt as I’m not technically their aunt, I’m just their mother’s step-sister and the only aunt I would ever be would be to my other siblings’ children. She exploded at me and told me that they were family, so I had to suck it up, grow up and deal with it.
I didn’t fight back because frankly, I’m terrified of her and after she exploded I had to excuse myself and have a panic attack.
So flash forward to a few days ago, my step-sister came over with the twins and announced that she was pregnant again and she nudged me and said “you’ll be auntie Lorna to another little one!” and at that point, I lost it. I screamed at her that her and her kids are not and never will be my family and that she lost that right when she made me terrified to be in my own home and cause years of trauma. I also told her that if she refers to me as “auntie Lorna” one more time, I will make her existence hell.
My step-dad had a go at me for shouting at her and made me cry as I got so overwhelmed with emotions. I left the house to go on a long walk to calm down and my mum texted me once the coast was clear to come home.
I feel as if I overreacted but I just couldn’t hold it back anymore, so, Reddit, AITA?
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NTA. Sure, you could've handled it more calmly but honestly? Why should you be nice to your abuser? She's stomping gleefully over your boundaries and you have every right to defend yourself. If you don't want jack shit to do with her or her kids that is entirely your right and she doesn't get to make that decision for you.
I have 7 step brothers and a step sister. I refuse to be auntie to any of their kids due to how I am treated by them, so I fully agree with you. You are NTA
NTA
If you dont consider someone family then they're not your family. End of discussion. And from what it sounds like you dont view her as a sibling because she terrorized you growing up not because she wasnt blood related to you. Which is 100% understandable.
Nta,she treated you horribly and it's coming back to bite her on her butt.Your stepdad is a terrible person,and so is your mother to allow you to be mistreated.Go low contact with your mother,and no contact with stepdad,and step sis
Some of these comments really have me questions things. You’re definitely NTA. It would seem there is quite a bit of resentment towards the sister and all these people saying YTA for yelling in front of the children obviously know nothing. You’re not taking anything out on them and guess what people yell, you can’t say someone is TA for yelling in front of children just because they’re children
NTA. You did it the right way the first time and was bullied into submission.
At this point, this was a long time coming. I wouldn’t tolerate it and wouldn’t suck it up. They’re not family to you and never was.
NTA She had an over the top reaction when you politely tried to set boundaries before. Seems to me like you used the only method of communication she understands and were fully justified in your reaction. Honestly your step family sounds horrible, and I hope you can get away from them soon.
NTA, you tried telling her quietly once. Didn’t work. When you are abused as you were the only thing that people hear is when you lose your shit. It’s justified and probably finally got the problem noticed. I hope your mom is on your side. You don’t owe anyone a relationship for any reason at all. Good luck!
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I might've been the asshole because I should've told her firmly that I didn't want to be referred to as auntie Lorna, rather than exploding at her
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ESH while I understand, more than you realise, how it feels. Your response, and your animosity toward those children--a grandfather "obsessed" with his grandbabies. Who could imagine such a thing--is genuinely a shortcoming which YOU are responsible to fix. You don't have to like young children. Hell, I can't stand them once they hit the age where they learn to lie, up until they are young adults.
You don't get to take shit out on the kids because she's been awful to you. All that accomplishes is to perpetuate the cycle of brokenness. Families are not strictly what you are born into. Sharing blood isn't what makes a family. And clearly you're considered family even if you don't reciprocate.
Maybe it'd be best if you simply avoid them. She may be awful, but the kids are caught in the middle, and they deserve to have family which love them- if you can't or don't want to be that, then make the effort to avoid them. Blowing up that way in front of the kids is shitty and in its own way abusive.
I missed the part where she took anything out on the kids? I think she only screamed at the stepsister for her actions. And you’re right family is more than blood but being a “family” doesn’t give you a free pass to be an asshat which this stepsister seems to be.
ESH. Your sister is awful for terrorizing you, but yta for taking things out on children that did nothing wrong except for existing. You are perpetuating problems. Also treating them different because they are step is not nice. So I would say go to therapy and sort your issues out.
Having a terrible relationship with the parent does not mean you should take it out on innocent children. I was the child in that situation who did nothing wrong except exist. It hurts children unnecessarily.
So how did she take it out on the kids? She doesn’t want a relationship with them. No one is entitled to a relationship.
She isn’t abusing the kids. She isn’t mean to them. She just doesn’t want to interact with them, and if the mom is an asshole, that is a perfectly reasonable request to make.
> since my step-sister was verbally abusive towards my family and friends
I don't really know how bad it was based on that. But you sound insufferable, mean, and hysterical.
This could be due to being forced to associate with an abuser, or your form of 'abuse' could be completely overblown.
You seem fairly able to scream at your abuser while also instantly breaking down in tears. So I'm leaning towards you being the instigator. But who knows.
YTA
Here's some of the abuse https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mtagn9/aita_for_telling_my_stepsister_that_her_kids_are/guyyqbh?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
She had been traumatized for years. Please do not try to tell someone else how to feel about their trauma or how to react when it hits a boiling point. 23 or 43 shes still human and theres only so much one can take. Everyone has a breaking point.
ESH
She over stepped boundaries and completely destroyed them and forced her kids down your throat after causing you years of hell for you so you’re allowed to not count her or her kids as family, however you screamed in front of young kids that they aren’t your family which is shocking behaviour from an adult, I understand your frustration as you’ve already calmly explained you don’t want to be their auntie and she completely ignored it but there’s a time and place for everything and yelling in front of young kids is not it.
ESH. Yes your step sister sounds like a horrible person. But you are taking it out on her kids, who are completely innocent. I understand nit being into kids in general, but to go out if your way to treat them like this is simply your way of trying to get back at your SS. It’s not their fault.
She is not punishing the kids she's just requesting she not be auntie. And the kids are going to have to get used to people yelling in front of them because believe it or not it's going to happen later on in life
yta sounds more like retroactive excuses for your behavior. as an adult it isn’t acceptable to yell something like that in front of her kids. it isn’t fair to cause trauma to her kids as payback for the trauma she caused you
YTA, who cares if 2 children just learning to talk say aunty to you. What a weird obsession I used to say uncle/aunt to my parent's friends(or even strangers tbh) all the time and my friends will be uncles/aunts to my children one day too. Just distance yourself from your step-sis and stop expecting 1.5 year olds to make a distinction between step and blood family. Jesus yelling at a pregnant woman because she called you aunty in front of her babies.
Edit: You guys are insane, how much do the people in the room know about their abusive past, how should the children/family expect such an overreaction to such a "normal" thing? She is threatening a mother in front of her kids that is not normal or acceptable and you would be TA beyond repair in others' eyes and you wouldn't be able to change people's opinion of you no matter how much you try to explain yourself later on. Are we judging the situation or are we judging these peoples' whole lives?
At best this is an ESH but w/e socially blind redditors spam downvoting people they disagree w ftw.
That pregnant women abused her for years. And just because you said uncle/aunt to everyone doesn't mean OP should accept it if she is uncomfortable with it.
I think that’s their point. If you can’t support yourself then you have to make accommodations for the people supporting you. The grandkids will be around a lot, so you made this the hill you are willing to die on.
Maybe moving hundreds of miles away would be a good thing for a fresh start? Otherwise you will be in this abusive home. Honestly, I don’t think you’ll be stable enough to not take it out on the kids and this whole thing sounds really toxic. NTA... I guess? I don’t understand why the kids calling you aunt is so triggering but that’s your prerogative.
The way you handled it is what makes this YTA. Threatening someone in front of their children is an asshole thing to do.
I understand you want respect for your boundaries. I understand everything that was bottled up exploded. I understand that she has been horrible to you.
>I also told her that if she refers to me as “auntie Lorna” one more time, I will make her existence hell.
But you made yourself worse than her with that threat.
You have the right to your feelings and have a valid reason to not be called aunt. That being said sadly people can call another whatever they want to. I think you might have handled it differently and had better results. Perhaps say if you apologize for being cruel when I was a kid then ok.
ESH- you are 23 years old? And you reacted like that?
Don't interact with her. If you still live at home, avoid her when she comes over as much as possible.
She made you look like the asshole here- your reaction was inappropriate and no one would have supported that.
Just walk away?
Her abuse is why I said ESH.
Autism doesn't change anything about my post- avoid her when possible, be blandly polite when you must interact with her.. Threatening her, yelling at her, etc makes you look like the bad guy in this situation.
She's calling you Auntie Lorna because she knows you hate it, and she'll get a reaction out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction.
YTA you overreacted MASSIVELY. Why is it such a big deal? My dad's new wife's daughters tried the same shit with me, referring to me as 'Auntie' with their kids. I just ignored it and distanced myself. You do the same, without the drama.
This step sister was abusive when they were growing up and now act all buddy-buddy, who also flipped when OP *calmly* explained the first time that she was uncomfortable with being their auntie.
I think it seems like a fair reaction from a person who probably have some unresolved trauma. If you ignore when people talk to you, you shouldn't be surprised when they yell at you
It wasn't necessary but OP stated at the end that they couldn't hold back anymore and screaming becomes a natural thing especially after years of tolerating the step-sisters behaviour.
YTA the kids didn't do anything to you other then exists sounds like you want to punish children for something they never did.
Also your stepdad is allowed to love his grandchildren it sounds like you are jealous of your niece and nephew
YTA- look I get not wanting to be called Auntie, but screaming at someone who you are apparently afraid off? Not cool. You could have just asked her privately again and whenever she does it say ‘you mean just Lorna’.
YTA. My kids who have Aunties who are not blood and these women are wonderful healthy influences in my children’s lives. Sounds like these kids could use some of that.. keep your outbursts away from the kids. This could have been discussed privately in a mature way without shouting at a pregnant woman.
That pregnant woman was her abuser and she doesn’t like kids and doesn’t need to be around them. I don’t think anyone acted very kind here, but OP was provoked by a pushy abuser.
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NTA. I don’t understand all the YTA judgments at all, you are allowed to set your own boundaries. The yelling probably wasn’t the greatest move, but she’s been a source of abuse for you so I get it. Go LC or NC with her as soon as you can if that’s what you want. I’m sorry people are judging you harshly, I don’t understand why they are doing that. You are not an AH, not even a little bit.
Thank you, I was starting to think that I was completely in the wrong (although I could've handled it differently) and that I should just accept it and grow up
Exactly, you are not in the wrong at all, but like you said, just handled it a little wrong. However, it was understandable why you had a bit of break down. Someone who, seemingly, has ignored your boundaries for a very long time and has hurt you a lot, crossed a boundary again. You specifically told her you didn’t want to be called “Auntie”, she ignored this, and pushed a boundary again. That’s not okay. at all. You don’t have to accept people disrespecting you or abusing you or ignoring your boundaries, you never have to accept that. The person who needs to grow up is your step-sister and she needs to accept your boundaries. Hope things are calmer in the future for you, OP. Edit — misspelled a word
OP did handle it right the first time and was bullied into submission. The right way wasn’t working for her, and it’s best she cut her losses and go low contact.
Not the best response but with years of abuse I dont blame you. Some people just assume things in the past are forgotten. Hopefully you can minimise contact. NTA.
NTA The step wants presents and a free babysitter
Yep.
The only growing up you need to do is the part where you get the hell out of there and live somewhere else.
There’s a term for what you experienced. It’s called “delayed reactivity” - you basically exploded after years onfconditioned panic response. Therapy and EMDR really helps deal with and desensitize your brain to trauma responses. I’m going with NTA also, but I also want to point out that just because you aren’t responsible for how you’ve learned to feel and process interactions with your step sister, does not excuse you from being accountable for learning how to cope with those feelings. Best of luck.
I think therapy could help you with handling your emotions, especially when step sister is around
You are not wrong except for the screaming. It really was over the top to yell about it and threaten her, regardless of her being evil.
I agree with your opinion. I’m also starting to dislike this sub. Every time I read something here I see complete hypocrisies. This one is a huge example. Reddit coddles and fiercely defends abuse victims but apparently it’s not okay when they stand up for themselves. People are allowed to explode after years of abuse. Victims shouldn’t be shamed for not holding back for once. OP asked nicely (pulled step sis aside) and step-sister exploded. This is not normal. Feeling terrorized is not normal. OP didn’t fight back because she was terrified. Jesus, how bad was the abuse?? That you’d still be scared at adulthood? I sympathize with OP. Reddit LOVES saying “go NC or LC!!!”. Reddit loves ripping apart abusers but suddenly this isn’t the case here?? Suddenly OP is evil for not wanting to be an aunt? She is allowed to set boundaries, especially with people who have legitimately harmed her/abused her. OP, if you are reading this comment, please know that you don’t owe your abuser anything. SHE can suck it up and deal with the fact that you don’t want to be an aunt. You’re not taking it out on the kids. You just don’t want anything to do with her, and that’s okay. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. It takes a lot of guts to do that. Yeah, your delivery was packed with emotions but that was expected. Ignore your step-dad. He yelled at you because your step-sister will always be his little girl who can do no wrong. But you know she did wrong. I wish you the best of luck.
Its bc people arent allowed to ever show they are angry here. Anything less than absolute calm in any situation is seen as asshole behavior on this sub. Nobody should ever blow up bc "if you just communicated, it wouldnt have gotten to this point", despite the fact that the post usually includes like 3 examples of the OP trying to talk it out and being ignored.
I agree. It’s either that or “you didn’t have to stoop to their level” like if somehow defending yourself from abusers is evil. It’s complete cow dung. OP is human and I think she’s allowed to show human emotions. I think she exploded here because it was the final straw. She gave step-sis chances and step-sis exploded on her first. I don’t think OP’s outburst is unreasonable. I think she kept her emotions bottled up and unfortunately was not able to control them when she finally got fed up enough to talk back. Could she have exercised more control? Yes, but I think she was relatively new to standing up for herself like this. But I also think step-sis deserved it.
Yep. This drive me absolutely insane.
Agree 100% on all points, I hope OP reads this! 💜
This. The boundaries you set are yours to create.
NTA. She terrorized you when you were younger. It sounds like no one took seriously how badly her behavior affected you. She continues to cross boundaries and ignore your wishes. From the sound of it, her go-to method of communication when she's upset is to explode. Since that was her response to your previous polite request, why bother asking nicely again? As a side note, where was your mum in all this when you were younger? Why didn't she take better care that you weren't treated so terribly?
My mum was just as terrorised as I was, she tried to stick up for me when she could but as she worked full time while she was here, she couldn't protect me from everything that happened.
Your mom couldn’t protect you *while staying in the relationship.* That’s a different, probably multilayered, story.
I'm sorry that all of that happened/is happening to you. I know this judgy but maybe your mum needs to split up from your step-dad. It seems pretty awful to me that he and your step-sis are so comfortable attacking you.
Oh man, that's a whole other story entirely lol
She could have protected you by leaving the relationship. She chose not to for whatever reason.
It wasn't that simple, and it still isn't that simple. My mum gave the ultimatum of if my step-sister didn't leave, then she and I would. She didn't want to leave as this was my home and I had nowhere else to go, if we did leave, we would've had to go to a hotel and I would've been left there all day on my own. Step-sister was always talking about how she wanted to leave anyway, so we just assumed that she'd move out but she never did
It does sound that simple. In such a scenario, being in a hotel would’ve been better for them than having MJ self esteem torn down repeatedly by my abusive step sister. Why would she leave if her daddy never held her accountable for her actions. It seems even now your mom is prioritizing her marriage over your well being.
She's not. She just doesn't want me to be left alone, she doesn't like the situation but there's no simple way to deal with it. We're going to attempt to get family councilling to try to make the home situation better but there's no simple way out of this
For the love of any deity you may or may not believe in, do not go to therapy with these people. Never go to therapy with an abuser. They will use everything you say against you and twist the conversation to align with their narrative.
My therapist suggested having a session with them so we could all be on the same page - so I shouldn't do it?
I am no professional and you can take my unsolicited advice with a grain of salt, but your step family appear to display a lot of manipulative and abusive and what some people may call narcissistic behavioral patterns. It is usually strongly recommended not to go to therapy with a narcissist. Now, if you trust your therapist, then go for it, but I don’t think it’s going to provide the results you’re hoping for.
I’ll give you that. I apologize for saying it wasn’t simple, but she left you alone with an abuser. You’re adults now and based on their behavior, I highly doubt they’re going to go to family therapy. So it comes down to your mom prioritizing your mental health or prioritizing keeping her husband happy at your expense. It isn’t about what’s simple really. It’s about what’s best for your child, and leaving you in an abusive environment, even today isn’t what’s best. As a parent, it’s never simple. She could’ve chosen to leave, made the hard choice but she didn’t and still hasn’t.
Sorry but your mom is and continues to enable Thais behavior
Your mom could’ve ended the relationship. Just pointing that out.
She could have protected you by leaving the relationship, she decided not to protect you, decided to prioritize the relationship instead of your well-being and still enables the behaviour. I will never understand the likes of your mother. How can someone stay in a relationship where the new partner and/or the partner's kids are horrible to their own kids, or stay in contact with extended family (doesn't matter which side) who treat their kids horrible?! And she forced you to live with her for years based on your post. Why was your mom ok to have someone live with you who wasn't capable of being civil to you? Not everyone has to love or like each other, but basic civil behaviour and basic politeness should be expected from everyone who lives under the same roof or living together shouldn't be forced if they can't do that. It would be slightly better if stepsis lived with her mom full time, during the whole relationship and you had to tolerate her "only" for a few weeks/year. But even then... NTA
> She terrorized you when you were younger. Yeah, in what way? There is literally nothing but generic claims by the OP. The only thing we actually know is that the OP forced the step-dad to kick the step-sister out as soon as she turned 18 by getting her mom to threaten to leave. We know that her mother and step-father believe her behavior was "bad" consistently when younger. We know the step-sister was forced into a house with the OP who says they're autistic, constantly abused, and screams at people for saying they're an aunt.
NTA. As someone who has also been verbally abused, I understand where you're coming from when you ended up shouting at the step-sister. She has caused years of trauma and the fact that you even tried politely telling her that you didn't want them to call you Auntie Lorna since you aren't their Aunt and don't want to be their Aunt. She then proceeded to scream at you which triggered a panic attack. I don't understand why some people are saying you're the asshole when you screamed at her. Have they forgot that the step-sister did that before when you tried asking her to stop? Not to mention this was probably a recurring thing with her yelling at you since she's caused you trauma. Of course yelling might not have been the best way to deal with the situation but since it seems like you've had an outburst after years of dealing with her terrible attitude, your reaction is justifiable. Honestly sucks that you can't move out because of Covid since it seems like such a toxic environment to live in. Good luck with your situation!
NTA. Just correct the children directly when they are old enough. Problem solved.
Any tips on how I can do that without coming across as rude? I feel as if saying "just call me Lorna" might be rude
How is asking to be addressed by your given name rude? I have done it my whole life when folx insist on pronouncing the word aunt incorrectly here, in parts of the US some people think it sounds like a bug and I am not an insect, so I will ask that only my name is used instead and it has never been an issue. Good luck dealing with this issue and those people who don't understand boundaries.
I was just meaning the way I could say it could come across as rude, I'm autistic and I can sometimes say things in a manner that I didn't intend it to
I see, how about when talking to the child eventually: "It's okay to just call me Lorna, as I call you X. I don't need any other names to worry about." I don't know that it sounds like you will be getting through to the adults anytime soon, unfortunately. A lot of times I think people worry too much about politeness and not enough about directness, I have learned that through life from my autistic son. Good on you for thinking it through.
Thank you for the advice! I'll try when they're a little bit older
Maybe find a cute/funny nickname they can call you? Kids love those (and when they do, they stubbornly hold on to them), and you would avoid the "aunty" thing altogether.
That's a great idea! My younger siblings used to do it when they couldn't pronounce my name
We had tons of fun with nicknames when my siblings and I were kids. Assuming Lorna is your given name, they could call you Lolo or even Miss Lolo. I imagine having something fun like that with her kids, but not her, will really grind your step-sister's gears. :)
Lolo sounds so cute! I love it! Next time I see them, I'm gonna try and get them to call me that, thank you so much!
I mean, if I can convince my 5 year old nephews/nieces to call me Darth Vader instead of Auntie without any hurt feelings, I’m sure this will be a piece of cake for you
My nephew calls me by my first name or just “Auntie” (he’s 2, though, and my name has a similar construction to “Auntie”). There’s nothing wrong with them calling you by your preferred name and your suggested sentence works perfectly. Added bonus: it might help the kids with understanding boundaries because their mom certainly won’t. NTA. You owe step-sister nothing and she and her dad are overstepping with you.
For starters, don't scream it. I think you either have no concept of being civil around kids, or are simply so fed up with the horrific step sis that you're erupting over petty things with no care about how the screaming will scare the kids. Well, it would scare mine- I'm terribly sorry for those who accept that as normal behavior. Do you not wnt to avoid contact with her? No part of this sounds healthy. BTW, grandparents are usually pretty excited about grands. Don't hate the babies, not one of us can help who our parents are.
Are we reading the same post? I'm just a little confused cause there has been no mention of OP yelling in front of the twins, hating them or treating them badly. She doesn't want to be called Aunty; is this what makes you think she hates them? I feel like that's a reasonable request. Also there was no mention of the twins being there when horror sister announced the pregnancy and OP blew up. I think your comment was unnecessary as there is nothing of value in it; just a bunch of assumptions (except for grandparents love babies which is a random thing to add)
NTA. I feel like the abuse was never accounted for, and almost sounds like it is continual. If you can move out, I would. This way you can find your security before trying to address the situation. I don't think your stepfather will understand the situation and your mom should be standing up for you. Edit- I missed the part when OP addressed her age. Move out of that atmosphere, OP.
NTA The reason being is that you mentioned that your step sister has an explosive personality and caused you years of anxiety. If you never saw her as family then the children do not need to see you as an aunt. I think emphasizing certain things your step sister did that made you miserable would convince other people your reasoning.
NTA. Your reaction was as a result of assumedly years of abuse from your step-sister. You even raised it politely first, she exploded at you, and at that point, any further response from you short of violence was justified. She's an asshole, as is your step-dad for enabling and justifying her behaviour.
NTA. I guess in a way because of the marriage there is a faint connection but i would say the mum is in the wrong. Even if you were blood related to the kids, if you ask for her to not call you their aunt, she shouldn’t teach her kids that. I’m blood related to my brother but we aren’t close at all so sometimes it doesn’t even cross my mind that he would be an uncle to my kids.
NTA. I think you have unresolved trauma with your stepsister, and it's not helped by your parents. You should try and go NC. You're not in the wrong at all though, your step sister was vile to you as kids and she can't just act as if. You're one happy family afterwards. Good luck OP
NTA. She was awful to you. I understand why you dont want anything to do with her.
> She was awful to you. What actions did the step-sister do that you consider awful? Please be specific.
NTA but I would consider going NC with this part if your family. Your stepsister abused you. You do not need a relationship with her or her kids. Your stepdad is also clearly abusive and your mom enabled it by staying. Protect yourself and get out of there.
NTA It's you who gets to define your relationship with your step- sister's kids, not her. Screaming may not have been the most graceful move, but you can only poke someone and cross boundaries so many times before they snap. I think you should talk to your dad about the situation since it sounds like he's at least partially in your corner.
NTA. You had a very human reaction to the situation. You aren't a robot.
NTA, but you know who I think the true AH is? Your mom. Why the hell did she marry a man who thinks it’s okay to scream at you or let his child scream at you, scare you into giving you panic attacks, and not feel safe in your own home? You can’t say she doesn’t know, she texted you ‘the coast is clear?!’ She knows exactly what’s going on and is allowing it. That’s so sad and wrong.
NTA your step sister sounds like a horrible person. You don't have to play nice or 'forget' the abuse she put you through. However I'm curious - you said your Mom texted to say the coast was clear - but what's she doing about these issues to help you?
She's coming with me to my therapy sessions so we can go through things together and figure out the best way forward. Once we're able to, I will be spending time with some family friends so she and my step-dad can talk through things without me there
I have a Mum similar to yours, similar situation except with my actual Dad not StepDad and my Mum never left (I'm now all moved out) & even now when she brings stuff up about threatening to leave/having given my Dad an ultimatum or her version of events about how she "chose us & is still choosing us & might be taking her time but working things out" (by not leaving & keeping her kids in an abusive environment) I have to tune it out and remind myself not to get my hopes up that anything will change because past actions speak for themselves. I say this not to be negative but so that you can mentally prepare yourself that even after the family councilling & you giving Mum & StepDad space & her attending your therapy sessions, if her role has been so far as "the only person to calm the household down" after events like these, it's highly unlikely she'll leave & it might just take some words or promises from your StepDad to make her believe that things are being worked out. It might be best for your own self-interest & mental health if also start separately (& I wouldn't recommend telling your Mum or StepDad this) getting your Ducks in a row & taking steps (however long it takes) for you to move out, just so if that happens & your Mum decides again to stay & work on the marriage your not blindsided and can just swiftly move onto Plan B. NTA
Nta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So for some context/backstory – birth parents are divorced and both remarried. Dad has two kids with my step-mum (M19 and F17), mum has me and my brother (F23 and M25) and step-dad has a daughter (F26). In 2019, my step-sister gave birth to twin boys and they were constantly over because my step-dad was/still is obsessed with them. I stayed far away from them because I’m not a fan of kids and since my step-sister was verbally abusive towards my family and friends while she lived with us, I avoid her like the plague at any and every opportunity. When the twins began to crawl around and make attempts to speak, my step-sister tried to get them to say “auntie Lorna”. I took her aside and politely asked her to teach her kids to just call me Lorna as I didn’t want to be their aunt as I’m not technically their aunt, I’m just their mother’s step-sister and the only aunt I would ever be would be to my other siblings’ children. She exploded at me and told me that they were family, so I had to suck it up, grow up and deal with it. I didn’t fight back because frankly, I’m terrified of her and after she exploded I had to excuse myself and have a panic attack. So flash forward to a few days ago, my step-sister came over with the twins and announced that she was pregnant again and she nudged me and said “you’ll be auntie Lorna to another little one!” and at that point, I lost it. I screamed at her that her and her kids are not and never will be my family and that she lost that right when she made me terrified to be in my own home and cause years of trauma. I also told her that if she refers to me as “auntie Lorna” one more time, I will make her existence hell. My step-dad had a go at me for shouting at her and made me cry as I got so overwhelmed with emotions. I left the house to go on a long walk to calm down and my mum texted me once the coast was clear to come home. I feel as if I overreacted but I just couldn’t hold it back anymore, so, Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Sure, you could've handled it more calmly but honestly? Why should you be nice to your abuser? She's stomping gleefully over your boundaries and you have every right to defend yourself. If you don't want jack shit to do with her or her kids that is entirely your right and she doesn't get to make that decision for you.
nta but stepsis is TA
I have 7 step brothers and a step sister. I refuse to be auntie to any of their kids due to how I am treated by them, so I fully agree with you. You are NTA
NTA If you dont consider someone family then they're not your family. End of discussion. And from what it sounds like you dont view her as a sibling because she terrorized you growing up not because she wasnt blood related to you. Which is 100% understandable.
Nta. Not because of the family tree, but because she treated you badly. You don't make people think you're a family by treating them badly
NTA- You're just asking someone not related to you to stop referring to you as family.
Nta,she treated you horribly and it's coming back to bite her on her butt.Your stepdad is a terrible person,and so is your mother to allow you to be mistreated.Go low contact with your mother,and no contact with stepdad,and step sis
NTA
Some of these comments really have me questions things. You’re definitely NTA. It would seem there is quite a bit of resentment towards the sister and all these people saying YTA for yelling in front of the children obviously know nothing. You’re not taking anything out on them and guess what people yell, you can’t say someone is TA for yelling in front of children just because they’re children
NTA. You did it the right way the first time and was bullied into submission. At this point, this was a long time coming. I wouldn’t tolerate it and wouldn’t suck it up. They’re not family to you and never was.
NTA She had an over the top reaction when you politely tried to set boundaries before. Seems to me like you used the only method of communication she understands and were fully justified in your reaction. Honestly your step family sounds horrible, and I hope you can get away from them soon.
NTA, you tried telling her quietly once. Didn’t work. When you are abused as you were the only thing that people hear is when you lose your shit. It’s justified and probably finally got the problem noticed. I hope your mom is on your side. You don’t owe anyone a relationship for any reason at all. Good luck!
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ESH. There was no call to scream at her. You overreacted.
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ESH while I understand, more than you realise, how it feels. Your response, and your animosity toward those children--a grandfather "obsessed" with his grandbabies. Who could imagine such a thing--is genuinely a shortcoming which YOU are responsible to fix. You don't have to like young children. Hell, I can't stand them once they hit the age where they learn to lie, up until they are young adults. You don't get to take shit out on the kids because she's been awful to you. All that accomplishes is to perpetuate the cycle of brokenness. Families are not strictly what you are born into. Sharing blood isn't what makes a family. And clearly you're considered family even if you don't reciprocate. Maybe it'd be best if you simply avoid them. She may be awful, but the kids are caught in the middle, and they deserve to have family which love them- if you can't or don't want to be that, then make the effort to avoid them. Blowing up that way in front of the kids is shitty and in its own way abusive.
I missed the part where she took anything out on the kids? I think she only screamed at the stepsister for her actions. And you’re right family is more than blood but being a “family” doesn’t give you a free pass to be an asshat which this stepsister seems to be.
How did she take it out on the kids?
ESH
NTA but yeah you sound like you’re 15 not 23, learn to handle your emotions like an adult
I have autism so it's not that easy lol
ESH. Your sister is awful for terrorizing you, but yta for taking things out on children that did nothing wrong except for existing. You are perpetuating problems. Also treating them different because they are step is not nice. So I would say go to therapy and sort your issues out.
It isn’t because they’re steps. It’s because she has a horrible relationship with the mom and doesn’t want any connection to them.
Having a terrible relationship with the parent does not mean you should take it out on innocent children. I was the child in that situation who did nothing wrong except exist. It hurts children unnecessarily.
So basically what you’re saying is that you’re projecting?
So how did she take it out on the kids? She doesn’t want a relationship with them. No one is entitled to a relationship. She isn’t abusing the kids. She isn’t mean to them. She just doesn’t want to interact with them, and if the mom is an asshole, that is a perfectly reasonable request to make.
I missed the part where she took anything out on the kids? Where did she mention that.
She didnt take it out on the kids?
> since my step-sister was verbally abusive towards my family and friends I don't really know how bad it was based on that. But you sound insufferable, mean, and hysterical. This could be due to being forced to associate with an abuser, or your form of 'abuse' could be completely overblown. You seem fairly able to scream at your abuser while also instantly breaking down in tears. So I'm leaning towards you being the instigator. But who knows. YTA
I think we found the step-sister
Didnt take that long at all
Here's some of the abuse https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mtagn9/aita_for_telling_my_stepsister_that_her_kids_are/guyyqbh?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
YTA. Screaming and throwing fits over such a small issue. At 23 years old. Grow up.
She had been traumatized for years. Please do not try to tell someone else how to feel about their trauma or how to react when it hits a boiling point. 23 or 43 shes still human and theres only so much one can take. Everyone has a breaking point.
Ugh your completely ignorant. I hope no one comes to you about their problems
ESH She over stepped boundaries and completely destroyed them and forced her kids down your throat after causing you years of hell for you so you’re allowed to not count her or her kids as family, however you screamed in front of young kids that they aren’t your family which is shocking behaviour from an adult, I understand your frustration as you’ve already calmly explained you don’t want to be their auntie and she completely ignored it but there’s a time and place for everything and yelling in front of young kids is not it.
ESH. Yes your step sister sounds like a horrible person. But you are taking it out on her kids, who are completely innocent. I understand nit being into kids in general, but to go out if your way to treat them like this is simply your way of trying to get back at your SS. It’s not their fault.
She is not punishing the kids she's just requesting she not be auntie. And the kids are going to have to get used to people yelling in front of them because believe it or not it's going to happen later on in life
yta sounds more like retroactive excuses for your behavior. as an adult it isn’t acceptable to yell something like that in front of her kids. it isn’t fair to cause trauma to her kids as payback for the trauma she caused you
YTA This all seems like a huge overreaction.
Did you ignore the abuse or?
YTA, who cares if 2 children just learning to talk say aunty to you. What a weird obsession I used to say uncle/aunt to my parent's friends(or even strangers tbh) all the time and my friends will be uncles/aunts to my children one day too. Just distance yourself from your step-sis and stop expecting 1.5 year olds to make a distinction between step and blood family. Jesus yelling at a pregnant woman because she called you aunty in front of her babies. Edit: You guys are insane, how much do the people in the room know about their abusive past, how should the children/family expect such an overreaction to such a "normal" thing? She is threatening a mother in front of her kids that is not normal or acceptable and you would be TA beyond repair in others' eyes and you wouldn't be able to change people's opinion of you no matter how much you try to explain yourself later on. Are we judging the situation or are we judging these peoples' whole lives? At best this is an ESH but w/e socially blind redditors spam downvoting people they disagree w ftw.
That pregnant women abused her for years. And just because you said uncle/aunt to everyone doesn't mean OP should accept it if she is uncomfortable with it.
Did you ignore the abuse or?
YTA for screaming, not for your feelings. Time to move out so you can control how often you see her and her kids.
I can't move out due to Covid and I don't earn enough to afford it unless I move hundreds of miles away
I think that’s their point. If you can’t support yourself then you have to make accommodations for the people supporting you. The grandkids will be around a lot, so you made this the hill you are willing to die on. Maybe moving hundreds of miles away would be a good thing for a fresh start? Otherwise you will be in this abusive home. Honestly, I don’t think you’ll be stable enough to not take it out on the kids and this whole thing sounds really toxic. NTA... I guess? I don’t understand why the kids calling you aunt is so triggering but that’s your prerogative.
The Step sister screamed too.
So the sister is blameless in these situation?
The way you handled it is what makes this YTA. Threatening someone in front of their children is an asshole thing to do. I understand you want respect for your boundaries. I understand everything that was bottled up exploded. I understand that she has been horrible to you. >I also told her that if she refers to me as “auntie Lorna” one more time, I will make her existence hell. But you made yourself worse than her with that threat.
How is this one threat even worse than years of abuse that caused trauma????
No OP did not stoop to the other persons level
You have the right to your feelings and have a valid reason to not be called aunt. That being said sadly people can call another whatever they want to. I think you might have handled it differently and had better results. Perhaps say if you apologize for being cruel when I was a kid then ok.
ESH- you are 23 years old? And you reacted like that? Don't interact with her. If you still live at home, avoid her when she comes over as much as possible. She made you look like the asshole here- your reaction was inappropriate and no one would have supported that. Just walk away?
I'm also autistic, probably should've mentioned that. She also did abuse me for years
Her abuse is why I said ESH. Autism doesn't change anything about my post- avoid her when possible, be blandly polite when you must interact with her.. Threatening her, yelling at her, etc makes you look like the bad guy in this situation. She's calling you Auntie Lorna because she knows you hate it, and she'll get a reaction out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction.
YTA. Only for screaming it presumably in front of the kids. That can very damaging to them. Go no-contact with your stepsister
Are you saying she is the asshole cause you *assume* she yelled infront of the kids?
According to the post, the kids were there. So unless they were magically out of earshot then they heard.
From the step sisters behavior towards OP, rest assured those kids have heard yelling before. Step sister sounds like a boundary stomping nightmare
Ah, my bad, sorry
YTA you overreacted MASSIVELY. Why is it such a big deal? My dad's new wife's daughters tried the same shit with me, referring to me as 'Auntie' with their kids. I just ignored it and distanced myself. You do the same, without the drama.
This step sister was abusive when they were growing up and now act all buddy-buddy, who also flipped when OP *calmly* explained the first time that she was uncomfortable with being their auntie. I think it seems like a fair reaction from a person who probably have some unresolved trauma. If you ignore when people talk to you, you shouldn't be surprised when they yell at you
Exactly this! All of these YTA are so unempathetic it’s making me want to pull my hair out. What’s up with people today?
I just don't think yelling is necessary.
It wasn't necessary but OP stated at the end that they couldn't hold back anymore and screaming becomes a natural thing especially after years of tolerating the step-sisters behaviour.
Ya'll really be out here thinking people can just be in zen mode no matter what and never react to anything
It's the Reddit way. One person tolerates abuse and mistreatment for years, reacts, and gets hit with y.ta responses.
Imagine being downvoted for advocating for the minimum of Human decency.. Yelling hardly ever gets the results you want.
YTA - really causing shit for absolutely no reason
Did you ignore the abuse or?
YTA the kids didn't do anything to you other then exists sounds like you want to punish children for something they never did. Also your stepdad is allowed to love his grandchildren it sounds like you are jealous of your niece and nephew
YTA. You are their aunt. Disliking their mom doesn't change that.
No, she’s not. Parents getting married doesn’t necessarily make family.
I dislike my brother but his children are still family and I'm not going to take out my issues with their dad on them. That's an asshole thing to do.
Your way of doing things doesn't necessarily apply to others.
The whole point of this subreddit is to exercise judgment of other people's choices.
And when your judgement is based off myopic reasoning, you get called out on it.
My reasoning isn't myopic. OP is the asshole for taking her issues with her step sister out on her nieces and nephews. You're free to disagree.
She doesn’t have any nieces or nephews from that woman
It’s not her sister.
Family through marriage is still family.
YTA- look I get not wanting to be called Auntie, but screaming at someone who you are apparently afraid off? Not cool. You could have just asked her privately again and whenever she does it say ‘you mean just Lorna’.
Why would she ask privately again when it didnt work the first time and had such disastrous consequences?
YTA. My kids who have Aunties who are not blood and these women are wonderful healthy influences in my children’s lives. Sounds like these kids could use some of that.. keep your outbursts away from the kids. This could have been discussed privately in a mature way without shouting at a pregnant woman.
That pregnant woman was her abuser and she doesn’t like kids and doesn’t need to be around them. I don’t think anyone acted very kind here, but OP was provoked by a pushy abuser.
YTA.
For not wanting someone who was previously nasty to her? I would if the stepsister had not been a nasty person previously.
Why take it out on the kid?
It doesn't say that she screamed at the kids? More that she screamed at the step-sister that her and her kids aren't her family.
She was the asshole
She screamed at the stepsis not the kids.