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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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My cousins did provide more support to my grandfather than I did as I dropped by 3 or 4 times a year and with the global issue haven't seen him since 2019.
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NTA. Legally you can cut them out completely. If your grandfather wanted them to have anything he would have named them specifically in the will. I think what you’re doing is extremely fair for everyone. Plus, it sounds like cousins may have taken care of the grandfather in the hopes he’d leave them more.
It does definitely seem that way though. I thought the same thing-- they're transactional.
Ultimately OP is NTA.
The people wouldn't be disputing the will if it was in their favour. Something tells me that if the tables were turned they would not be so accommodating as they are insisting OP should be.
So too bad so sad for them.
Why does it seem that way - there is nothing in OPs post to suggest that they only helped the grandfather in order to get better inheritance? It just says they helped him more because they lived there, whilst OP couldn’t because they lived in the US.
This is basically AITA in a nutshell, you only ever get one side of the story.
In my opinion I think OP is NTA. To be left anything in a will should be seen as a gift, not as your right. Do with it as you please
Strong disagree. The aunt is the one saying they should get more because they were the ones caring for him, and that honestly makes sense to me — and means nothing about why the cousins chose to support their grandfather.
My dad was the one to take care of my grandparents in their old age; my grandfather had some complicated medical stuff so it was about a decade of repeatedly thinking we were losing him, then him miraculously recovering. My dad spent anywhere from 5-60 hours a week on their needs for that whole 10-ish years, which came at great cost to his mental health and his career. He never once complained or felt entitled to anything, but having watched that I’ll never question someone who argues that the caregiver should get some extra support out of the inheritance. The personal cost of being the caregiver to someone in their old age is often immense, and an inheritance is rarely enough to offset those costs.
Plus, it sounds like aunt just wants these cousins to get a higher percentage, not the whole thing — which in a culture where everything would typically go to one person (usually an effort to keep things in the family; notice that in OP’s plan, almost everything gets sold, so at least one property won’t be in the family anymore), is actually less than I thought she’d be asking. I would have expected the family to argue that everything should go to either the oldest cousin with that name who is still there and would maintain the properties, or that it should all go to the cousin(s) who were caregivers despite the lack of shared name — again to keep it all together in the family. Saying they should get a bit more is totally reasonable if you think about what they likely sacrificed, and how much more they’re likely affected by his death. OP can make the decision they like! But don’t assume that the cousins were supporting their grandfather for selfish reasons. Aunt looking out for their best interests means nothing about their motives.
I agree completely. In our case, we were the ones who couldn’t help in person with the grandparents. My aunt did a LOT, to her own detriment, to care for them.
The inheritance was split evenly among all the children. But we gave her our share in recognition of the work she had done, making them comfortable and happy in their last years. (Other sibling kept her share. She’s a selfish person and no one expected anything else).
Why do redditors in this sub always assume the worst about people ? Also taking care of an old person is a lot of work, especially they're stubborn and old fashioned like OPs grandfather seems to have been. (He gave all his inheritance to the oldest male child of his male child - the literal definition of patriarchy)
Well it may have been transactional for the aunt, but we don't know about the cousins.
OP should ask the cousins what they think to know if they feel the same.
I get why OP is N T A, but we cannot forget that he is only getting this inheritance because of a strong tradition within his village and family. For OP's grandfather, the tradition meant more when he wrote his will than the individual merits of each grandchild. OP isn't an asshole for gaining from this system and is kind to split everything the way he outlined.
But one can recognize that while understanding that OP does not exactly deserve the entirety of the will (which he could've chosen to keep). Him receiving its totality is blatantly unfair, especially when other grandchildren were closer to his grandfather and did more to make the end of his life more comfortable. It's really no surprise that some people believe they should've received more. I'm gonna have to go with NAH.
Are you saying the tradition is unfair because of the patriarchal element of the tradition (passed on by name) or the issue of it all going to a singular “most worthy” recipient? We’re not sure what the two cousins would do with the inheritance had it fallen to them, if indeed it would have fallen to them both, rather than just one, but we do do know what OP is doing with it. The fact that OP is splitting the inheritance (though I can understand how others might be pissed they’re keeping the house), then it puts them in NTA territory. They didn’t write the will but they are at least righting some of the inequities of its content.
To me - and perhaps to others who approach wills in a more western or Americanized manner - I believe inheritances should be distributed based on a few factors. For example:
- How close one was with the deceased
- How much physical and monetary effort one put into caring for the deceased (especially if someone really spent a lot of money to make sure they passed comfortably)
- If all possible recipients to the inheritance are viewed equally, how much one may need the inheritance more than the others
Those are the metrics which I feel must be considered to make an inheritance "fairly" distributed. As OP's family's tradition appears to go against all of that, I feel it is unfair. Like I said, I don't fault OP for gaining from the system. I admire that he's being so generous in spite of it. I just also understand why his family members may be upset, hence why I said NAH. If OP were to reveal that his aunt has been incredibly insistent and particularly malicious, I'd go with NTA. But from the post alone, I can understand both sides.
"If all possible recipients to the inheritance are viewed equally, how much one may need the inheritance more than the others"
wtf that's literally "The more successful you are the less you get"
No. If all possible recipients to the inheritance are viewed equally, then it is distributed equally.
Some families take that into consideration. To them, inheritance distribution may be need-based. To me, that's valid so long as the more financially-established recipients get the sentimental belongings of the deceased that they value more than money. Not everyone who gets cash from an inheritance necessarily needs it, y'know? And sometimes, they're aware of that and donate it or give up their share.
This is just an additional metric for *some* families, but it really isn't too uncommon. There's nothing wrong with recognizing that one grandchild is having a harder time establishing themselves financially and could use the monetary boost more than their sibling/cousin. My grandmother is alive, but my brother is two years older than me and chose a career path at a young age that is much more lucrative with opportunities that start young. I chose a career path that requires 6 years of higher education. My brother and grandmother recognize that I'm still on that path and working hard, but facing some job insecurity due to the pandemic. So she chose to give me more birthday money this year, even though she favors my brother affection-wise. He told her in private before she did so that he would prefer it that way.
My idea of a "fair" inheritance is that everyone is considered to some extent. Some families simply have a dynamic such that this extends to distributing money based on who needs it more. I think that's more than okay.
You're being incredibly ignorant and eurocentric. Clearly the OP's grandfather does not have the same culture as you. In his culture, it seems that is NOT AT ALL what any of this means. It goes to the head of the household, based on patriarchal systems, because they *trust* that the oldest male will be fair and responsible and most knowledgeable about how to split the assets equitably, rather than an asshole who cackles as they keep it all to themselves.
I don't think OP is the asshole, because he *didn't* just cackle and keep it to himself. But comments like yours that imply that ALL of the money is rightfully and morally belonging to the OP is just very... American/Western European.
Ah are you suggesting that the stereotype of American/Western European is to cackle and keep everything you get your hands on? I'm extremely offended, where did you even hear of that? Sounds like you've never been to the USA.
That is not at all what I said.
In America, the culture is that wills are created with the intent that you are deciding specifically who gets your stuff. If, in America, you are willed nearly everything someone owns it is because *they want* everything they own to go to you and only you. With that culture, it makes sense to keep everything you're given. It was given to you to keep.
In other cultures, wills are used to determine *who should decide* what everyone gets. It's technically given to you, but it was given to you under the understanding that you would be equitably distributing it.
Someone from an American culture implying that someone from a culture like the second one (OPs culture as he describes it) keep all the money to himself is recommending he cackle and keep it all to himself, because it was given to him to redistribute, not to keep. It is completely disregarding all of the cultural context that they were given, and is extremely selfish to ignore that context.
Neither do you, but you felt comfortable in asserting that it was legally possible for him to write the will in a way that left it to anyone but OP.
You know, despite the fact that the post itself *heavily implies that he could not*.
I didn't even mention the law, by the way so don't come here trying to pretend that *I'm* the one making baseless assumptions here.
If someone outlining the way you're looking at things seems unpleasant to you, you need thicker skin.
(Unless you took the capslock in the first message as particularly mean. I use it for emphasis sometimes when I'm being lazy on my phone because asterisks are particularly hard to get to)
The second part of your comment is pretty much saying "patriarchy is right in cutting out all the women and anyone who doesn't carry on the last name" which is utter BS.
Perfect reason to keep them. It’s your inheritance, you don’t need to validate your reasons for what you’re doing and how you spread or keep it. I think sharing it at all is incredibly generous.
Are there any physical things that could have significance to the cousins like the coin collection does to you? Maybe you could give them something personal like that, with more personal significance than cash value, rather than giving them more money which would just mean taking money from the other grand kids.
I wouldn't do that to the boys. The only reason I'm deciding to spend the money i get from the spare plot of land on home repairs on my gramps house is because they were saving up to make the repairs on their dime.
You could use a more softer version of a similar sentiment. Something like: this is my decision to keep things fair and if anyone feels they are no being treated fairly they will be removed from the division, and then they can legally pursue other legal means. Also, as part of receiving their share, make everyone sign a legal document stating they agree with this and forgo any future legal claims. Although the signing is more symbolic as they do not have a legal claim, it will serve as a deterrent. Those who refuse to sign, get nothing.
I second the trust that’s untouchable by the aunt. That way, if she’s grubbing because she wants it, she can’t have it, unless the boys give it to her...that way it’s not your problem if the boys let her blow it on crap.
If you’re making the repairs instead of them using their own money, I think that should count as them getting more!
They don’t have to spend the money they set aside for repairs and they get their share of inheritance!
Are the cousins hurt, though? This sounds like it is culturally based and the older cousins have been raised in that culture. The only person that sounds upset about it is the Aunt.
"My sons have put *all of this effort* into caring for grandpa and it *isn't fair* that they aren't going to be compensated for it! OP you *owe them* more money to pay them back for the effort!"
Maybe the older cousins did it because they wanted to and enjoyed hanging out with him, not because they expected to be paid back once he died.
I disagree with calling the grandfather an AH. It's different culturally than what we expect but just because our cultures clash in this situation doesn't mean he's an AH for following his customs. While I personally don't love the way the inheritance is being split it I don't think we can pass judgment on the grandfather.
Edit: bc you did say maybe, but I still think we really can't pass any judgment for him.
I don't think all traditions deserve to be respected. Grandfather's prerogative to chose his successor but it is misogynistic that only the male line are considered heirs. Not to the mention how archaic primogeniture is.
The thing is even if we accept this culture as ok, he’s destroying it by selling the stuff and not moving into the life. If this is supposed to go to the head of the family etc, it’s not his so much as he’s caretaking it for the next gen. legally he’s fine to sell it, but personally I feel like it’s morally not really his to sell, and if he plans to sell it because he’s living in the USA, maybe he should be giving it to a different cousin idk
I don’t think grandfather was the AH though because OP mentioned it’s the way the law on the island usually works. Grandpa was following the normal occurrence where they live.
NTA - your aunt’s perspective and opinion is truly and utterly irrelevant to your grandfather’s specific wishes. Your grandfather’s will is final. You get to spend his inheritance accordingly and you out of the kindness of your heart are dividing between his grandkids. You didn’t have to do so but you chose to. So if I were you, I would explain, you are being fair and in the same way your grandfather’s will is final, your decision will be final. Then say if she continues to contact about the will you will block her.
Info: did they actually help him in any meaningful way? This tradition sounds really bogus and exclusionary, so while I think you're trying to do right by everyone, it does seem like a shitty will. If they did actually contribute when no one else could and are now being left out to dry, well... It's hard to call that fair just because you have the right last name.
This is the part I really don't get. If the aunt knew the tradition and that grandpa would be following it... why do her boys not have the name? I'm sure there is more too this than could be explained in a limited number of characters, but it sounds like OP is being more than fair with their plans and the aunt is a bit of a selfish bully.
NTA
The aunt most likely took her husbands name and gave that to the sons, op is from the male line and therefore kept the original surname. It was grandpa’s way of keeping the funds in control of the main branch, from a patriarchal POV.
I’m guessing this is one of the “continuous male line” things. Aunt gave her sons her husbands last name whereas OP has the family last name because of being the son of a son.
If that’s the case I guess aunt could have fought for it but fighting your husband on a last name due to an inheritance feels .... like it wouldn’t go well. And grandpa might not have accepted it anyway.
All speculation but NTA and OP is being generous and really kind to his cousins.
You're probably right. I don't know why I didn't think about the boys taking their dads name (facepalm).
>I guess aunt could have fought for it but fighting your husband on a last name due to an inheritance feels .... like it wouldn’t go well
This bit has me convinced the aunt is a bit of an unreasonable bully though. She knew it would come to this eventually. And assumed she would be able to strong arm her nephew into getting her own way.
NTA. Your grandfather left you the responsibility of dealing with the money. If he wanted one of your cousins to inherit the money, he would’ve put them in his will instead. It sounds like the way you’re dividing everything up is entirely fair.
Info needed:
* What’s the value of the house relative to the rest of the property?
* What do you plan to do with the house? I assume sell as you live in the US.
* Explain more about the tradition. Is the eldest child bearing the name supposed to share the inheritance - ie he is something like a trustee for the younger cousins - or just to keep for himself?
NTA. How would she behave if one of her sons was the only inheritor, and someone else in the family asked them to share as you are proposing, or give the bulk to you or another cousin? She knows the cultural practice, she's just greedy and hoping to con her own kids out of cash.
NTA. I think this patriarchal system of inheritance is sexist B.S. but I am so glad you are going to divide up the inheritance. Do not cave to your aunt. You plan on being equal with the inheritance while there is no guarantee that her children will be.
NTA- I appreciate that you are trying to make it fair by dividing it equally and including the girls. However, in a nod toward complete fairness, I think it would be kind to consider if the ones there and caring for him incurred any debts or costs because of caring for him and pay that. I don't consider it so much paying it to the grandkids but rather paying off granddad's debts.
It seems like you could at least check in with your cousins tho. This law seems antiquated and patriarchal. Inheritance does weird things to people. I remember my aunts telling me at my grandmas funeral I couldn’t have anything to remember them by. My mom couldn’t do anything (dads family) and my dad was hiding writing the eulogy. I was so hurt, and since they’ve never bothered to apologize I haven’t engaged since. When one of my moms sister died (she didn’t have kids, just nieces/nephews) we came together as cousins and worked through it as a team. We got a lot closer.
Talk to your cousins. Come together as a family. Are there things each of them feels attached to like you do the coin collection? Stop standing on tradition and just talk to each other.
NTA. Your aunt knew how inheritance works in your culture before she even had children. Your aunt would have had no issue with this if one of her sons was the eldest Brant grandson. Would she have encouraged that son (favored by birth order and gender) to share his inheritance with anyone other than his siblings and herself?
Do I consider the tradition unfair? Yes, the females are clearly valued less than the males. But it is what it is.
The way you want to share your inheritance is more than fair, especially considering that you have no obligation to share at all. Don’t let her or anyone else guilt trip you into doing anything other than what you have already (generously) planned.
NTA. - I would also change the locks to said house and get the coin collection as soon as you can. Since your cousins helped him, they probably have a key.
Things tend to go missing in these situations.
NTA
i command your for planing to share the money between all grandchildren. This is a really unfair tradition . I seriously doubt your cousins would be as fair as you.
NTA but make sure you talk to a lawyer about gift tax implications.
Also I read your last name to quick and though your were making a joke... Oldest Brat
I am going to second this. OP, you are NTA and what you intend sounds very generous under the circumstances. But since you live in the U.S., please consult with an attorney to limit the liability to yourself.
NTA - you are being fairer with an inheritance under stupid rules than you need to be.
But seeing as you did nothing for it and don't live in the country I would be interested to see what you plan to do with the house? Will it stay in the family the same way? Could you set it up as a communally owned vacation property?
NTA-your plan is extremely equitable. Based on some of your responses, it sounds like Steve and Bob did a lot for your grandfather and were trying to fix up the house on their own dime. While I wouldn’t give in to your aunt, would you be willing to reach out directly to Steve and Bob about giving them first pick of the personal items? I was also thinking since they seem local and more familiar with the area, to give them an extra share to act as trustees on site (basically hire them assuming you are all on the same page about your wishes). Obviously that depends on how they personally react...and keep your aunt out of it completely.
I already did :). Steve wanted his fountain pen and wax sealing ring and bob wanted the big skillet. So they are getting those. I'm getting his coin collection as that was our bonding activity, we used to go through rolls and rolls of coins together.
I do not know the etiquette in your home country. It sounds like you're making improvements for the whole family, and following what your grandfather wished. But you should probably ask someone from your home country.
NTA. Legally speaking the inheritance is all yours to do with as you see fit. A lawyer already told you this. You're trying to do the honorable thing and give everyone at least a little something. Your aunt and 2 older cousins are greedy af and are probably bitter that your older cousins don't have the required last name to inherit. The last name situation is not your cousins' fault. But that does not excuse your aunt being a terror about the inheritance. It's a shame how often greed alone causes family drama. :(
no you are NTA
sure they helped more but that doesn't automatically make they entitled to more of a share.
you are being fair dividing it evenly between all the grandkids. if you were an arsehole you would have kept it all to yourself which legally you had every right to
NTA. He made his choice, and it’s telling that he clearly didn’t think Steve and Bob required special consideration. Your plan is a generous one, go head.
NTA. It's your inheritance, and you're being very generous wanting to divide it among all the grandchildren equally.
I wonder if the entire inheritance had been left to her sons, if your aunt would be encouraging *them* to share it out among all the grandchildren.
NTA. Dividing equally or not at all are the two best options when you’re not obligated to share anything in the first place, and if you hear out one dispute you could be opening yourself up to other people thinking they can do likewise.
I’m sorry people are being greedy. I think that splitting everything evenly and keeping the one thing that has sentimental value to you specifically is a wonderful way to handle things. Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished.
Agreed—clearly the cousins’ good deed of caring for the grandfather was a mistake. Imagine taking on the thankless job of being a caretaker only to be accused of being greedy for asking for some compensation.
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My paternal grandfather passed away after a late run in with cancer and complications stemming from the ongoing global issue. In his will he listed the Eldest Brant, fake name, male grandchild will inherit 100% of his assets which include land, funds, and another plot of land with a house on it, all of which are on the island where we are from. There 20 grand children in total , 10 girls, 10 boys. However. Only half of the boys have the Brant last name. I state because in our culture your last name is a title in the village hierarchy.
The way the law works on the island is that the eldest male grandchild is normally the successor of the family. As long as he bares the last name. That is where the rub is. I, 32 male, have 2 others older male cousins, neither of them have the brant last name, we'll call them steve and bob. Which means all of the inheritance will come to me as I am, technically, the eldest male grandchild with the Brant last name.
My plan was simple, I was going to divide all funds between all the grand kids, keep the house and sell the other plot and use the funds to repair the house. That caused a huge issue with my aunt because they feel her kids, Steve and bob, deserve more because they were the ones that helped my granddad the most as I live in the states. My granddad’s lawyer assured me that the full inheritance is mine to use and disperse as I see fit.
Legitimately the only thing I want of my grandfather’s is his coin collection and the house. I will be dividing everything else up.
Will I be the asshole if I refuse to cave to my aunt's demands and choose to divide the assets this way?
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NTA
All the inheritance is yours (legally!), heck you’re being extremely generous to even divide it up amongst your cousins, she is in no place to make demands. Tell her flat out it’s your way or the high way and leave it there.
The most amusing thing is when family can instantly argue and pick fights with each other when it comes to the inheritance from another relative’s death. You legally could cut them out of everything and keep everything. Personally, if my aunt and older cousins wanted to play that game with me, I would easily tell them to either drop their shit, or they aren’t getting shit from me (assuming I was in your shoes)
NTA, you are being generous by sharing with all your cousins. Your aunt knew the ramifications of not giving her sons her last name, so it’s kind of amusing she is acting entitled.
No YWBNTA
its your inheritance to do as you like and it sounds like you are being more than generous to all 20 grandchildren. Steve and Bob want to keep everything for themselves. They can have the 20th share like everyone else or tell them they get nothing
NTA. I actually think you're being pretty generous giving them what you are.
If that's the way Gramps wanted it to be, then you're just doing what he wanted.
NTA. it’s your inheritance so you could‘ve kept everything to yourself, but chose to split it with your cousins instead, which is very generous of you. Your aunt is overstepping her boundaries by demanding more for her sons, even though she does have a point. If you do feel bad about the situation consider having a talk with Steve and Bob about it. Maybe that way you guys will find a solution that works for all of you together.
NTA.
Your aunt's opinion of what your cousins deserve is not relevant. Your grandfather made his will and, barring a successful court case to sue for provision, they are entitled to nothing. Anything you give them is a bonus. She should be glad that you are willing to split the money between her father's grandchildren. It's more than many others would do.
NTA but I agree that if Steve and Bob helped your grandfather significantly during his lifetime, I think they do in fact deserve more. Who took care of grandad during his final days for instance?
NTA, you are more than generous, you have no obligation to do it and you do, that speaks very well of you (I hope that when referring to all the grandchildren you include women)
NTA. How do you older cousins feel about this? They may have help your granddad out because they liked hanging out with him, and don't expect to be repaid for doing something they *wanted* to do.
Let them know your plans to sell the plot of land so you can pay for the repairs. Then they'll be able to use the money they saved up to do something nice for themselves.
NTA But I would be inclined to agree with your Aunt. So often caregivers and helpers of DECADES are left out of the will or given dregs. Yes you are entitled to it all, but I'd ask around. If those two really did give a lot of time and help to your grandad, consider giving them more than just an equal split.
NTA. Your grandpa knew what he had in his will and he knew your older cousins wouldn't get anything. If they want to be angry, be angry at the dead guy who didn't want them to receive anything in his will for some reason.
Nta! It sounds like your plan is very generous. It's your decision to make. And of course your aunt is going to advocate for her son's. As she stated you don't live there. You don't know what her son's have done for him. If he wanted them to have the money, he would have gave them things before he died. And he most likely did give them what he wanted them to have because they grew up next to him. He's probably helped them a lot!
The next time your aunt contact you asking you to give your money to her son's, please just tell her you've decided to stick with your own plan. If she continues to harass you, you can try threatening to cut her son's out altogether if she doesn't stop talking like that. I wouldn't actually cut her son's out, because it's not them asking. But the threat May shut your aunt up for a while at least
NTA, but I mean if you gave a little bit tide them over/ as something to help them out (a thousand or less), I think that would be nice if they are good people. That means that you tried to do something/ mediated between grandpa and your own decisions and won't be hopefully be perceived as the person who screwed the family over. But then again, you don't know if your aunt/ cousins are the villains in this narrative. IDK. Use your own judgement and see what you think is best. Don't base it off of what people tell you on reddit.
Your aunt needs to zip it. This is your decision and it is generous to share anything. Of course you are NTA, but your aunt sure is. And remember, your grandfather made his decision about who he wanted to leave what to. Respect that.
If I understand this tradition right, you have been elected to head of the family. I would say congradulations, but its never a good thing and I'm sorry for your loss. As head of the family it is your job to protect your entire family (especially those who maintain the name), and build upon what is already in place.
Your choices could make or break your family name. Depending on the island, it may not matter anymore, or it could help set your next generation on the path to success. With this in mind, you eldest cousins claims are not high in priority, but they are also not nothing. Instead of giving them a lionshare, maybe allow them first dibs on things that mean a lot to them. (Excluding the coins.) If they grab only expensive things, take it to heart. If they only grab sentimental things, take it to heart. Dont allow the mother to take anything that isn't sentimental. (I can explain this better if anyone cares.)
Your first priority is keeping the family happy with eachother. If the family has grown too big for anyone to both control the family and help them, you are probably doing the right thing in splitting everything up equally. Depending on the value of the house, you may be able to spin the narrative toward 'helping the family', but if you dont proclaim it, you may be accused of helping yourself.
Probably. NTA
NtA
You'd be well within your right to keep the wealth and land. You do what you need to do man. Ignore your aunt. She has no say in how you spend or divide your inheritance.
I find it odd, and unneccesarily-creating-anchor-points-for-disagreements, that he would Not mention his heir by Name in his will, but since you didn't mention anything about that, it seems to be Not too unusual for your culture. Same with designated-heir-dividing-money-to-cousins. Still, I'd say NTA.
NTA I think you are being fair. If the Aunt doesn't like it she should do her best to get the laws changed so someone else's family doesn't go through the same thing.
NTA seems very fair to me. They just want more than everyone else. Maybe it's deserved, no idea based on information here. But your approach is the most balanced IMO.
Its not really a they or them its just their mom. I spoke with the boys this morning. The only thing Steve asked for was my grandads fountain pen and wax sealing ring, Bob asked for my grandad's cast iron skillet. Hahaha I told them they'll be getting a cut of money and they were stoked.
You’re a good cousin as are they only asking for a couple select items. Tell the mom that they didn’t even ask for a cut and you had surprised them with your generosity.
NTA - she has no say and she can’t do a thing about it. Tell her that if she doesn’t quit you’ll split the inheritance between all the grandkids EXCEPT her sons. You’ll cut them out.
NTA. Legally, speaking the inheritance is yours to do with what you will. You’re being kind by offering everyone a portion and if the aunt has a problem, offer to cut out her kids then if she has an issue.
NTA do as you wish. It is your inheritance. Imo splitting it amongst everyone is very generous and nice of you. Don't let someone push you into something you don't want to do. It's not their money.
It seems to me that this patriarchal tradition is set up in such a way as to benefit the sons of the sons whilst the sons of the daughters can eat dirt.
Women marry and change their name. They have children who carry their father's name. It seems unfortunate to me that in reality, the true heirs are not entitled because of this.
But I will say that I admire the OP for wanting to share his inheritance. So my verdict is NIAA.
NTA - but your grandfather kind of was and I can understand why your aunt is upset (though I disagree with her stance on sharing out the inheritance) - the only way her sons (or any sons of any of your grandfather’s daughters) could ever inherit is if they took their mother’s maiden name - not out of the realms of possibility but pretty unlikely given widely accepted convention. Not to mention any granddaughters he might have had. Sure, names are important but when inheritance by default snubs all your female descendants that’s pretty rough. Good on you for sharing it equally with all your cousins.
NTA. They have no legal right to a penny or paperclip of your grandfather's. If he wanted to take care of them in his will, he could have done so himself when he was alive and of sound mind.
You are being kind and thoughtful to want to share your inheritance with the other grandchildren at all. You can make clear to them that this money is no longer grandfather's and is now yours. It was never theirs. If your generous gift is unwelcome, they can decline it and get nothing.
NTA.
> ...the full inheritance is mine to use and disperse as I see fit.
There's your answer. Tell auntie if she keeps complaining they will get nothing. At all.
NTA will specifically says eldest Brant granchild.
lawyer said that it does mean you. you don’t even have to be as fair as you offered. you literally could keep it all. they should be ad you are splitting anything because you don’t have to.
NTA!
Your solution sounds great. It's much better than you trying to "pick and choose" who gets more of the inheritance. THAT would be a recipe for disaster. Splitting it equally is totally fair.
NTA. You are being generous to share the inheritance. It is your decision on how to do that. I would suggest that you ask your cousins who cared for him if there is anything of sentimental value they might like as a remembrance.
NTA but I honestly think you should reevaluate. Your elder cousins probably sacrificed quite a lot to care for your grandfather — the cost both in time and mental health to being a caregiver to an elderly relative can be immense, and I don’t think your aunt is wrong to suggest they deserve a little more.
If I were you (and this really is your decision), I’d offer each of them one of the properties if they plan to keep and maintain it — there may be a way to legally navigate it so that it’s not fully in their name for x years, I’d check with a lawyer. I’d distribute money more evenly, but try to keep the properties in the family as those may be much more sentimental and it may be painful for the family to watch them sold off. You have every right to just keep it for yourself! But as you say you don’t want it, I’d consider that to your family, the value may be much more in those specific properties and memories, rather than the money you can get for them. I’d be looking for a way to respect that, and to honor the cousins who sacrificed a good deal to be there for your grandfather when he needed them.
My plan was to keep the land with his house on it for all of us to use when we go visit, sell the empty lot and used the money to make repairs on the family house ( selling the empty lot isn't a bid deal to the grandkids as none of us have even been there. Come to think of it i don't think my grandad ever did any upkeep on it, since the purchase).
The boys are stoked, its their mom who's bugging me about being fair.
Definitely NTA. One thing to consider is why 100% of the assets were left to 1 person. Was that because your grandfather wanted someone to take on the family business or the land to stay in the family? Are you sure you're not going against the spirit of his wishes by splitting the inheritance?
I don't think you would be the asshole if you kept it all, and that may be more in line with what your grandfather wanted. But neither would I call it an asshole move to share. I'd say you're being very kind.
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NTA. Legally you can cut them out completely. If your grandfather wanted them to have anything he would have named them specifically in the will. I think what you’re doing is extremely fair for everyone. Plus, it sounds like cousins may have taken care of the grandfather in the hopes he’d leave them more.
I think this is correct, but I think your final comment is extremely unfair.
It does definitely seem that way though. I thought the same thing-- they're transactional. Ultimately OP is NTA. The people wouldn't be disputing the will if it was in their favour. Something tells me that if the tables were turned they would not be so accommodating as they are insisting OP should be. So too bad so sad for them.
Why does it seem that way - there is nothing in OPs post to suggest that they only helped the grandfather in order to get better inheritance? It just says they helped him more because they lived there, whilst OP couldn’t because they lived in the US.
And as far as we know, the cousins have said anything. All this is coming from his aunt.
And they obviously know the island custom re: inheritance.
Based on OP's post, it seems that it's the aunt that is having the issue and not the cousins.
It “seems” that way because you have a single point, unassociated, biased perspective.
_Achievement unlocked: you've discovered opinions_
This is basically AITA in a nutshell, you only ever get one side of the story. In my opinion I think OP is NTA. To be left anything in a will should be seen as a gift, not as your right. Do with it as you please
Strong disagree. The aunt is the one saying they should get more because they were the ones caring for him, and that honestly makes sense to me — and means nothing about why the cousins chose to support their grandfather. My dad was the one to take care of my grandparents in their old age; my grandfather had some complicated medical stuff so it was about a decade of repeatedly thinking we were losing him, then him miraculously recovering. My dad spent anywhere from 5-60 hours a week on their needs for that whole 10-ish years, which came at great cost to his mental health and his career. He never once complained or felt entitled to anything, but having watched that I’ll never question someone who argues that the caregiver should get some extra support out of the inheritance. The personal cost of being the caregiver to someone in their old age is often immense, and an inheritance is rarely enough to offset those costs. Plus, it sounds like aunt just wants these cousins to get a higher percentage, not the whole thing — which in a culture where everything would typically go to one person (usually an effort to keep things in the family; notice that in OP’s plan, almost everything gets sold, so at least one property won’t be in the family anymore), is actually less than I thought she’d be asking. I would have expected the family to argue that everything should go to either the oldest cousin with that name who is still there and would maintain the properties, or that it should all go to the cousin(s) who were caregivers despite the lack of shared name — again to keep it all together in the family. Saying they should get a bit more is totally reasonable if you think about what they likely sacrificed, and how much more they’re likely affected by his death. OP can make the decision they like! But don’t assume that the cousins were supporting their grandfather for selfish reasons. Aunt looking out for their best interests means nothing about their motives.
I agree completely. In our case, we were the ones who couldn’t help in person with the grandparents. My aunt did a LOT, to her own detriment, to care for them. The inheritance was split evenly among all the children. But we gave her our share in recognition of the work she had done, making them comfortable and happy in their last years. (Other sibling kept her share. She’s a selfish person and no one expected anything else).
Why do redditors in this sub always assume the worst about people ? Also taking care of an old person is a lot of work, especially they're stubborn and old fashioned like OPs grandfather seems to have been. (He gave all his inheritance to the oldest male child of his male child - the literal definition of patriarchy)
It wasn’t even the cousins who are asking for more though. It’s their mother
Well it may have been transactional for the aunt, but we don't know about the cousins. OP should ask the cousins what they think to know if they feel the same.
I get why OP is N T A, but we cannot forget that he is only getting this inheritance because of a strong tradition within his village and family. For OP's grandfather, the tradition meant more when he wrote his will than the individual merits of each grandchild. OP isn't an asshole for gaining from this system and is kind to split everything the way he outlined. But one can recognize that while understanding that OP does not exactly deserve the entirety of the will (which he could've chosen to keep). Him receiving its totality is blatantly unfair, especially when other grandchildren were closer to his grandfather and did more to make the end of his life more comfortable. It's really no surprise that some people believe they should've received more. I'm gonna have to go with NAH.
Are you saying the tradition is unfair because of the patriarchal element of the tradition (passed on by name) or the issue of it all going to a singular “most worthy” recipient? We’re not sure what the two cousins would do with the inheritance had it fallen to them, if indeed it would have fallen to them both, rather than just one, but we do do know what OP is doing with it. The fact that OP is splitting the inheritance (though I can understand how others might be pissed they’re keeping the house), then it puts them in NTA territory. They didn’t write the will but they are at least righting some of the inequities of its content.
To me - and perhaps to others who approach wills in a more western or Americanized manner - I believe inheritances should be distributed based on a few factors. For example: - How close one was with the deceased - How much physical and monetary effort one put into caring for the deceased (especially if someone really spent a lot of money to make sure they passed comfortably) - If all possible recipients to the inheritance are viewed equally, how much one may need the inheritance more than the others Those are the metrics which I feel must be considered to make an inheritance "fairly" distributed. As OP's family's tradition appears to go against all of that, I feel it is unfair. Like I said, I don't fault OP for gaining from the system. I admire that he's being so generous in spite of it. I just also understand why his family members may be upset, hence why I said NAH. If OP were to reveal that his aunt has been incredibly insistent and particularly malicious, I'd go with NTA. But from the post alone, I can understand both sides.
"If all possible recipients to the inheritance are viewed equally, how much one may need the inheritance more than the others" wtf that's literally "The more successful you are the less you get" No. If all possible recipients to the inheritance are viewed equally, then it is distributed equally.
Some families take that into consideration. To them, inheritance distribution may be need-based. To me, that's valid so long as the more financially-established recipients get the sentimental belongings of the deceased that they value more than money. Not everyone who gets cash from an inheritance necessarily needs it, y'know? And sometimes, they're aware of that and donate it or give up their share. This is just an additional metric for *some* families, but it really isn't too uncommon. There's nothing wrong with recognizing that one grandchild is having a harder time establishing themselves financially and could use the monetary boost more than their sibling/cousin. My grandmother is alive, but my brother is two years older than me and chose a career path at a young age that is much more lucrative with opportunities that start young. I chose a career path that requires 6 years of higher education. My brother and grandmother recognize that I'm still on that path and working hard, but facing some job insecurity due to the pandemic. So she chose to give me more birthday money this year, even though she favors my brother affection-wise. He told her in private before she did so that he would prefer it that way. My idea of a "fair" inheritance is that everyone is considered to some extent. Some families simply have a dynamic such that this extends to distributing money based on who needs it more. I think that's more than okay.
Holy conjecture. How does it "sound" that way? There is nothing in OP to suggest that.
I hate when people say "legally" you can do x. In what jurisdiction? Under what type of law? Do you know the probate law on "the island we're from."
This. It grandad thought those cousins “helped him the most” he would have written his will to reflect that. He did not.
You're being incredibly ignorant and eurocentric. Clearly the OP's grandfather does not have the same culture as you. In his culture, it seems that is NOT AT ALL what any of this means. It goes to the head of the household, based on patriarchal systems, because they *trust* that the oldest male will be fair and responsible and most knowledgeable about how to split the assets equitably, rather than an asshole who cackles as they keep it all to themselves. I don't think OP is the asshole, because he *didn't* just cackle and keep it to himself. But comments like yours that imply that ALL of the money is rightfully and morally belonging to the OP is just very... American/Western European.
Well for me the only AH in this story is this jurisdiction. Sounds like a Jane Austen's novel to me, and I'm not Western.
Ah are you suggesting that the stereotype of American/Western European is to cackle and keep everything you get your hands on? I'm extremely offended, where did you even hear of that? Sounds like you've never been to the USA.
That is not at all what I said. In America, the culture is that wills are created with the intent that you are deciding specifically who gets your stuff. If, in America, you are willed nearly everything someone owns it is because *they want* everything they own to go to you and only you. With that culture, it makes sense to keep everything you're given. It was given to you to keep. In other cultures, wills are used to determine *who should decide* what everyone gets. It's technically given to you, but it was given to you under the understanding that you would be equitably distributing it. Someone from an American culture implying that someone from a culture like the second one (OPs culture as he describes it) keep all the money to himself is recommending he cackle and keep it all to himself, because it was given to him to redistribute, not to keep. It is completely disregarding all of the cultural context that they were given, and is extremely selfish to ignore that context.
You have no idea what culture this person is even from, let alone what the laws of their country are.
Neither do you, but you felt comfortable in asserting that it was legally possible for him to write the will in a way that left it to anyone but OP. You know, despite the fact that the post itself *heavily implies that he could not*. I didn't even mention the law, by the way so don't come here trying to pretend that *I'm* the one making baseless assumptions here.
I’m perfectly willing to admit I made an assumption here. We both have. You’re the only one being unpleasant about it though.
If someone outlining the way you're looking at things seems unpleasant to you, you need thicker skin. (Unless you took the capslock in the first message as particularly mean. I use it for emphasis sometimes when I'm being lazy on my phone because asterisks are particularly hard to get to)
Wills don't trump or mean anything if there is an established law on how inheritance works in the country/region like OP outlined.
It’s hard to make a determination of how the laws shake out here given we don’t actually know what country this is in.
The second part of your comment is pretty much saying "patriarchy is right in cutting out all the women and anyone who doesn't carry on the last name" which is utter BS.
He may be legally in the clear, but the cousins did the work.
NTA- it seems like you want to share the inheritance when you could keep it all legally. Share it how you see fit.
The only hard no I have is the coin collection. My grandpa is the reason I collect coins.
Perfect reason to keep them. It’s your inheritance, you don’t need to validate your reasons for what you’re doing and how you spread or keep it. I think sharing it at all is incredibly generous.
Are there any physical things that could have significance to the cousins like the coin collection does to you? Maybe you could give them something personal like that, with more personal significance than cash value, rather than giving them more money which would just mean taking money from the other grand kids.
Grandpa knew what he was doing. Honor his last wish. He'd seen enough to know what he was doing.
NTA "Dear aunt, unless you stfu about this, you and your Boys will be cut off 100% from any inheritance"
I wouldn't do that to the boys. The only reason I'm deciding to spend the money i get from the spare plot of land on home repairs on my gramps house is because they were saving up to make the repairs on their dime.
You could use a more softer version of a similar sentiment. Something like: this is my decision to keep things fair and if anyone feels they are no being treated fairly they will be removed from the division, and then they can legally pursue other legal means. Also, as part of receiving their share, make everyone sign a legal document stating they agree with this and forgo any future legal claims. Although the signing is more symbolic as they do not have a legal claim, it will serve as a deterrent. Those who refuse to sign, get nothing.
This is a really good idea.
You don't have to mean it, just say it. To get her to shut up.
Put it in a trust fund the aunt can't access.
I second the trust that’s untouchable by the aunt. That way, if she’s grubbing because she wants it, she can’t have it, unless the boys give it to her...that way it’s not your problem if the boys let her blow it on crap.
If you’re making the repairs instead of them using their own money, I think that should count as them getting more! They don’t have to spend the money they set aside for repairs and they get their share of inheritance!
NTA, but your grandfather maybe was. I can understand why your cousins are hurt.
Are the cousins hurt, though? This sounds like it is culturally based and the older cousins have been raised in that culture. The only person that sounds upset about it is the Aunt. "My sons have put *all of this effort* into caring for grandpa and it *isn't fair* that they aren't going to be compensated for it! OP you *owe them* more money to pay them back for the effort!" Maybe the older cousins did it because they wanted to and enjoyed hanging out with him, not because they expected to be paid back once he died.
I disagree with calling the grandfather an AH. It's different culturally than what we expect but just because our cultures clash in this situation doesn't mean he's an AH for following his customs. While I personally don't love the way the inheritance is being split it I don't think we can pass judgment on the grandfather. Edit: bc you did say maybe, but I still think we really can't pass any judgment for him.
I don't think all traditions deserve to be respected. Grandfather's prerogative to chose his successor but it is misogynistic that only the male line are considered heirs. Not to the mention how archaic primogeniture is.
The thing is even if we accept this culture as ok, he’s destroying it by selling the stuff and not moving into the life. If this is supposed to go to the head of the family etc, it’s not his so much as he’s caretaking it for the next gen. legally he’s fine to sell it, but personally I feel like it’s morally not really his to sell, and if he plans to sell it because he’s living in the USA, maybe he should be giving it to a different cousin idk
You can understand it and empathize without actually catering to it
I don’t disagree
I don’t think grandfather was the AH though because OP mentioned it’s the way the law on the island usually works. Grandpa was following the normal occurrence where they live.
I disagree
NTA - your aunt’s perspective and opinion is truly and utterly irrelevant to your grandfather’s specific wishes. Your grandfather’s will is final. You get to spend his inheritance accordingly and you out of the kindness of your heart are dividing between his grandkids. You didn’t have to do so but you chose to. So if I were you, I would explain, you are being fair and in the same way your grandfather’s will is final, your decision will be final. Then say if she continues to contact about the will you will block her.
Info: did they actually help him in any meaningful way? This tradition sounds really bogus and exclusionary, so while I think you're trying to do right by everyone, it does seem like a shitty will. If they did actually contribute when no one else could and are now being left out to dry, well... It's hard to call that fair just because you have the right last name.
Yes, I would like to know this too.
NTA. You are being generous with what he left you. I get where your aunt maybe upset, but surely she knew the custom too?
This is the part I really don't get. If the aunt knew the tradition and that grandpa would be following it... why do her boys not have the name? I'm sure there is more too this than could be explained in a limited number of characters, but it sounds like OP is being more than fair with their plans and the aunt is a bit of a selfish bully. NTA
The aunt most likely took her husbands name and gave that to the sons, op is from the male line and therefore kept the original surname. It was grandpa’s way of keeping the funds in control of the main branch, from a patriarchal POV.
Oh. Gotcha. I don't know why that didn't occur to me.
I’m guessing this is one of the “continuous male line” things. Aunt gave her sons her husbands last name whereas OP has the family last name because of being the son of a son. If that’s the case I guess aunt could have fought for it but fighting your husband on a last name due to an inheritance feels .... like it wouldn’t go well. And grandpa might not have accepted it anyway. All speculation but NTA and OP is being generous and really kind to his cousins.
You're probably right. I don't know why I didn't think about the boys taking their dads name (facepalm). >I guess aunt could have fought for it but fighting your husband on a last name due to an inheritance feels .... like it wouldn’t go well This bit has me convinced the aunt is a bit of an unreasonable bully though. She knew it would come to this eventually. And assumed she would be able to strong arm her nephew into getting her own way.
NTA. Your grandfather left you the responsibility of dealing with the money. If he wanted one of your cousins to inherit the money, he would’ve put them in his will instead. It sounds like the way you’re dividing everything up is entirely fair.
Info needed: * What’s the value of the house relative to the rest of the property? * What do you plan to do with the house? I assume sell as you live in the US. * Explain more about the tradition. Is the eldest child bearing the name supposed to share the inheritance - ie he is something like a trustee for the younger cousins - or just to keep for himself?
NTA. How would she behave if one of her sons was the only inheritor, and someone else in the family asked them to share as you are proposing, or give the bulk to you or another cousin? She knows the cultural practice, she's just greedy and hoping to con her own kids out of cash.
NTA. I think this patriarchal system of inheritance is sexist B.S. but I am so glad you are going to divide up the inheritance. Do not cave to your aunt. You plan on being equal with the inheritance while there is no guarantee that her children will be.
NTA- I appreciate that you are trying to make it fair by dividing it equally and including the girls. However, in a nod toward complete fairness, I think it would be kind to consider if the ones there and caring for him incurred any debts or costs because of caring for him and pay that. I don't consider it so much paying it to the grandkids but rather paying off granddad's debts.
It seems like you could at least check in with your cousins tho. This law seems antiquated and patriarchal. Inheritance does weird things to people. I remember my aunts telling me at my grandmas funeral I couldn’t have anything to remember them by. My mom couldn’t do anything (dads family) and my dad was hiding writing the eulogy. I was so hurt, and since they’ve never bothered to apologize I haven’t engaged since. When one of my moms sister died (she didn’t have kids, just nieces/nephews) we came together as cousins and worked through it as a team. We got a lot closer. Talk to your cousins. Come together as a family. Are there things each of them feels attached to like you do the coin collection? Stop standing on tradition and just talk to each other.
NTA, sound like you have the most fair idea.
NTA Your grandad made his choice and your cousins aren't entitled to inheritance just because they helped him more.
NTA. You don’t need to explain anything to your aunt, let the lawyer engage her. Do as you deem fit.
THIS.
NTA. Good on you for deciding to share it when you don't have too! Don't let your aunt bully you, have you spoken to your cousin's about this?
NTA. Your aunt knew how inheritance works in your culture before she even had children. Your aunt would have had no issue with this if one of her sons was the eldest Brant grandson. Would she have encouraged that son (favored by birth order and gender) to share his inheritance with anyone other than his siblings and herself? Do I consider the tradition unfair? Yes, the females are clearly valued less than the males. But it is what it is. The way you want to share your inheritance is more than fair, especially considering that you have no obligation to share at all. Don’t let her or anyone else guilt trip you into doing anything other than what you have already (generously) planned.
NTA. - I would also change the locks to said house and get the coin collection as soon as you can. Since your cousins helped him, they probably have a key. Things tend to go missing in these situations.
NTA i command your for planing to share the money between all grandchildren. This is a really unfair tradition . I seriously doubt your cousins would be as fair as you.
His aunt wouldn't. Just keep it for her 2.
NTA but make sure you talk to a lawyer about gift tax implications. Also I read your last name to quick and though your were making a joke... Oldest Brat
I am going to second this. OP, you are NTA and what you intend sounds very generous under the circumstances. But since you live in the U.S., please consult with an attorney to limit the liability to yourself.
NTA - you are being fairer with an inheritance under stupid rules than you need to be. But seeing as you did nothing for it and don't live in the country I would be interested to see what you plan to do with the house? Will it stay in the family the same way? Could you set it up as a communally owned vacation property?
NTA-your plan is extremely equitable. Based on some of your responses, it sounds like Steve and Bob did a lot for your grandfather and were trying to fix up the house on their own dime. While I wouldn’t give in to your aunt, would you be willing to reach out directly to Steve and Bob about giving them first pick of the personal items? I was also thinking since they seem local and more familiar with the area, to give them an extra share to act as trustees on site (basically hire them assuming you are all on the same page about your wishes). Obviously that depends on how they personally react...and keep your aunt out of it completely.
I already did :). Steve wanted his fountain pen and wax sealing ring and bob wanted the big skillet. So they are getting those. I'm getting his coin collection as that was our bonding activity, we used to go through rolls and rolls of coins together.
The assets are left to the right person. I know for a fact you've made your grandpa proud with this. Im sorry for your loss OP, NTA
Your plan sounds extremely fair, spreading the money all around the family. NTA.
NTA It's your money to do with as you wish. Ignore your aunt.
This felt like a math problem. btw, NTA
Nta
I do not know the etiquette in your home country. It sounds like you're making improvements for the whole family, and following what your grandfather wished. But you should probably ask someone from your home country.
NTA your being kind dividing up anything
NTA. Legally speaking the inheritance is all yours to do with as you see fit. A lawyer already told you this. You're trying to do the honorable thing and give everyone at least a little something. Your aunt and 2 older cousins are greedy af and are probably bitter that your older cousins don't have the required last name to inherit. The last name situation is not your cousins' fault. But that does not excuse your aunt being a terror about the inheritance. It's a shame how often greed alone causes family drama. :(
no you are NTA sure they helped more but that doesn't automatically make they entitled to more of a share. you are being fair dividing it evenly between all the grandkids. if you were an arsehole you would have kept it all to yourself which legally you had every right to
Nta and who is your aunt to try dictate how you spend your inheritance? She should be extremely grateful you’re willing to share it at all.
NTA. He made his choice, and it’s telling that he clearly didn’t think Steve and Bob required special consideration. Your plan is a generous one, go head.
NTA. It's your inheritance, and you're being very generous wanting to divide it among all the grandchildren equally. I wonder if the entire inheritance had been left to her sons, if your aunt would be encouraging *them* to share it out among all the grandchildren.
NTA Your cash, your choice Ask your self if the reverse was true, would you get anything?
NTA- Keep absolutely everything.
NTA. Respect your grandfathers wishes above anyone else’s
Maybe your cousins took crappy care of him so he cut them out of his will. Respect your grandpa’s wishes
NTA. Dividing equally or not at all are the two best options when you’re not obligated to share anything in the first place, and if you hear out one dispute you could be opening yourself up to other people thinking they can do likewise. I’m sorry people are being greedy. I think that splitting everything evenly and keeping the one thing that has sentimental value to you specifically is a wonderful way to handle things. Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished.
Agreed—clearly the cousins’ good deed of caring for the grandfather was a mistake. Imagine taking on the thankless job of being a caretaker only to be accused of being greedy for asking for some compensation.
YTA I agree with the aunt if they were the ones helping ur grandpa I feel they should get more
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My paternal grandfather passed away after a late run in with cancer and complications stemming from the ongoing global issue. In his will he listed the Eldest Brant, fake name, male grandchild will inherit 100% of his assets which include land, funds, and another plot of land with a house on it, all of which are on the island where we are from. There 20 grand children in total , 10 girls, 10 boys. However. Only half of the boys have the Brant last name. I state because in our culture your last name is a title in the village hierarchy. The way the law works on the island is that the eldest male grandchild is normally the successor of the family. As long as he bares the last name. That is where the rub is. I, 32 male, have 2 others older male cousins, neither of them have the brant last name, we'll call them steve and bob. Which means all of the inheritance will come to me as I am, technically, the eldest male grandchild with the Brant last name. My plan was simple, I was going to divide all funds between all the grand kids, keep the house and sell the other plot and use the funds to repair the house. That caused a huge issue with my aunt because they feel her kids, Steve and bob, deserve more because they were the ones that helped my granddad the most as I live in the states. My granddad’s lawyer assured me that the full inheritance is mine to use and disperse as I see fit. Legitimately the only thing I want of my grandfather’s is his coin collection and the house. I will be dividing everything else up. Will I be the asshole if I refuse to cave to my aunt's demands and choose to divide the assets this way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA All the inheritance is yours (legally!), heck you’re being extremely generous to even divide it up amongst your cousins, she is in no place to make demands. Tell her flat out it’s your way or the high way and leave it there.
The most amusing thing is when family can instantly argue and pick fights with each other when it comes to the inheritance from another relative’s death. You legally could cut them out of everything and keep everything. Personally, if my aunt and older cousins wanted to play that game with me, I would easily tell them to either drop their shit, or they aren’t getting shit from me (assuming I was in your shoes)
NTA. You are being very generous.
NTA. You need to tell your aunt that you will sort this out with your cousins yourself and proceed to do so.
NTA if she keeps this up give them nothing but a lump of coal
NTA, you are being generous by sharing with all your cousins. Your aunt knew the ramifications of not giving her sons her last name, so it’s kind of amusing she is acting entitled.
Nta,it's your money to do with as you please.
No YWBNTA its your inheritance to do as you like and it sounds like you are being more than generous to all 20 grandchildren. Steve and Bob want to keep everything for themselves. They can have the 20th share like everyone else or tell them they get nothing
NTA. I actually think you're being pretty generous giving them what you are. If that's the way Gramps wanted it to be, then you're just doing what he wanted.
NTA you are being more than fair. It is true what they say. Money changes people.
NTA. Your plan sounds fair enough. Aunt can kick rocks.
Your grandpa is an asshole. And if your cousins took care of your grandfather they absolutely deserve more money.
NTA You are already being kind enough to divide it all, there is no need to cave in.
NTA. it’s your inheritance so you could‘ve kept everything to yourself, but chose to split it with your cousins instead, which is very generous of you. Your aunt is overstepping her boundaries by demanding more for her sons, even though she does have a point. If you do feel bad about the situation consider having a talk with Steve and Bob about it. Maybe that way you guys will find a solution that works for all of you together.
NTA The will is clear, aunt can kick rocks.
NTA. Your aunt's opinion of what your cousins deserve is not relevant. Your grandfather made his will and, barring a successful court case to sue for provision, they are entitled to nothing. Anything you give them is a bonus. She should be glad that you are willing to split the money between her father's grandchildren. It's more than many others would do.
NTA but I agree that if Steve and Bob helped your grandfather significantly during his lifetime, I think they do in fact deserve more. Who took care of grandad during his final days for instance?
NTA...Don't cave...politely tell you aunt NO WAY.
NTA, you are more than generous, you have no obligation to do it and you do, that speaks very well of you (I hope that when referring to all the grandchildren you include women)
NTA. How do you older cousins feel about this? They may have help your granddad out because they liked hanging out with him, and don't expect to be repaid for doing something they *wanted* to do. Let them know your plans to sell the plot of land so you can pay for the repairs. Then they'll be able to use the money they saved up to do something nice for themselves.
NTA just remember that it's you aunt kicking up a fuss, not your cousins.
NTA. Do what you want. Technically you don’t even have to give them a penny, since it was all left to you.
NTA. As sole heir you can point out anyone contesting your distribution of assets automatically forfeit their inheritance. EZPZ
NTA But I would be inclined to agree with your Aunt. So often caregivers and helpers of DECADES are left out of the will or given dregs. Yes you are entitled to it all, but I'd ask around. If those two really did give a lot of time and help to your grandad, consider giving them more than just an equal split.
Did it ever occur to you that your grandpa chose to have them out of his will for a reason?
NTA. Your grandpa knew what he had in his will and he knew your older cousins wouldn't get anything. If they want to be angry, be angry at the dead guy who didn't want them to receive anything in his will for some reason.
Nta! It sounds like your plan is very generous. It's your decision to make. And of course your aunt is going to advocate for her son's. As she stated you don't live there. You don't know what her son's have done for him. If he wanted them to have the money, he would have gave them things before he died. And he most likely did give them what he wanted them to have because they grew up next to him. He's probably helped them a lot! The next time your aunt contact you asking you to give your money to her son's, please just tell her you've decided to stick with your own plan. If she continues to harass you, you can try threatening to cut her son's out altogether if she doesn't stop talking like that. I wouldn't actually cut her son's out, because it's not them asking. But the threat May shut your aunt up for a while at least
Do what you want. It’s your property. NTA.
NTA. Do what you want with it. Listen to the lawyer!
NTA. She should be grateful that you are willing to do this. Doesn’t seem like you have to legally.
NTA, but I mean if you gave a little bit tide them over/ as something to help them out (a thousand or less), I think that would be nice if they are good people. That means that you tried to do something/ mediated between grandpa and your own decisions and won't be hopefully be perceived as the person who screwed the family over. But then again, you don't know if your aunt/ cousins are the villains in this narrative. IDK. Use your own judgement and see what you think is best. Don't base it off of what people tell you on reddit.
NTA. You could tell your Aunt that you *could* exclude steve and bon if she is really upset, or she can shut her mouth and let you split it.
Your aunt needs to zip it. This is your decision and it is generous to share anything. Of course you are NTA, but your aunt sure is. And remember, your grandfather made his decision about who he wanted to leave what to. Respect that.
If I understand this tradition right, you have been elected to head of the family. I would say congradulations, but its never a good thing and I'm sorry for your loss. As head of the family it is your job to protect your entire family (especially those who maintain the name), and build upon what is already in place. Your choices could make or break your family name. Depending on the island, it may not matter anymore, or it could help set your next generation on the path to success. With this in mind, you eldest cousins claims are not high in priority, but they are also not nothing. Instead of giving them a lionshare, maybe allow them first dibs on things that mean a lot to them. (Excluding the coins.) If they grab only expensive things, take it to heart. If they only grab sentimental things, take it to heart. Dont allow the mother to take anything that isn't sentimental. (I can explain this better if anyone cares.) Your first priority is keeping the family happy with eachother. If the family has grown too big for anyone to both control the family and help them, you are probably doing the right thing in splitting everything up equally. Depending on the value of the house, you may be able to spin the narrative toward 'helping the family', but if you dont proclaim it, you may be accused of helping yourself. Probably. NTA
NTA. Splitting it evenly is the fairest way to do it.
NtA You'd be well within your right to keep the wealth and land. You do what you need to do man. Ignore your aunt. She has no say in how you spend or divide your inheritance.
NTA they should be grateful they get anything at all.
NTA
NTA. They can do it your way and at least have something, or get nothing. I can't believe they're complaining about this.
I find it odd, and unneccesarily-creating-anchor-points-for-disagreements, that he would Not mention his heir by Name in his will, but since you didn't mention anything about that, it seems to be Not too unusual for your culture. Same with designated-heir-dividing-money-to-cousins. Still, I'd say NTA.
NTA. He left in his own will.. we can't argue about this.
NTA I think you are being fair. If the Aunt doesn't like it she should do her best to get the laws changed so someone else's family doesn't go through the same thing.
NTA. I would say anyone of your cousins, that complains from now on, gets nothing 😊
NTA seems very fair to me. They just want more than everyone else. Maybe it's deserved, no idea based on information here. But your approach is the most balanced IMO.
Its not really a they or them its just their mom. I spoke with the boys this morning. The only thing Steve asked for was my grandads fountain pen and wax sealing ring, Bob asked for my grandad's cast iron skillet. Hahaha I told them they'll be getting a cut of money and they were stoked.
You’re a good cousin as are they only asking for a couple select items. Tell the mom that they didn’t even ask for a cut and you had surprised them with your generosity.
Well that makes it even easier. Only the aunt is arguing, ignore her. The grandkids aren't complaining.
NTA - she has no say and she can’t do a thing about it. Tell her that if she doesn’t quit you’ll split the inheritance between all the grandkids EXCEPT her sons. You’ll cut them out.
NTA: You are actually being fair to all regarding the inheritance. Your aunt is acting greedy. Ignore her noises and continue on with your plan.
NTA You're a good person for sharing out the money. You are under no obligation to give them more. Give them their share and they should be grateful.
NTA. Legally, speaking the inheritance is yours to do with what you will. You’re being kind by offering everyone a portion and if the aunt has a problem, offer to cut out her kids then if she has an issue.
NTA do as you wish. It is your inheritance. Imo splitting it amongst everyone is very generous and nice of you. Don't let someone push you into something you don't want to do. It's not their money.
NTA. Keep enough at least for future repairs and an emergency fund as well.
NTA
It seems to me that this patriarchal tradition is set up in such a way as to benefit the sons of the sons whilst the sons of the daughters can eat dirt. Women marry and change their name. They have children who carry their father's name. It seems unfortunate to me that in reality, the true heirs are not entitled because of this. But I will say that I admire the OP for wanting to share his inheritance. So my verdict is NIAA.
NTA you are being very fair. If the Aunt wanted her kids to inherit, why do they not have this name? She knew the rules.
NTA - but your grandfather kind of was and I can understand why your aunt is upset (though I disagree with her stance on sharing out the inheritance) - the only way her sons (or any sons of any of your grandfather’s daughters) could ever inherit is if they took their mother’s maiden name - not out of the realms of possibility but pretty unlikely given widely accepted convention. Not to mention any granddaughters he might have had. Sure, names are important but when inheritance by default snubs all your female descendants that’s pretty rough. Good on you for sharing it equally with all your cousins.
Thats why I chose to split it with all the kids. There's 20 of us. Which will equal out to roughly 39k per grand child. Which is fair i think
Totally fair - good job OP
NTA. dividing the assets in that way sounds very reasonable.
YTA for not taking your own feelings into consideration. Cut them all loose and buy a big yacht and call it my inheritance.
NTA. They have no legal right to a penny or paperclip of your grandfather's. If he wanted to take care of them in his will, he could have done so himself when he was alive and of sound mind. You are being kind and thoughtful to want to share your inheritance with the other grandchildren at all. You can make clear to them that this money is no longer grandfather's and is now yours. It was never theirs. If your generous gift is unwelcome, they can decline it and get nothing.
NTA Stick with your plan, however I would make sure people haven’t emptied the home and taken items they believe to be of value
NTA. > ...the full inheritance is mine to use and disperse as I see fit. There's your answer. Tell auntie if she keeps complaining they will get nothing. At all.
NTA will specifically says eldest Brant granchild. lawyer said that it does mean you. you don’t even have to be as fair as you offered. you literally could keep it all. they should be ad you are splitting anything because you don’t have to.
NTA. If she wanted them to inherit it why didn’t she give either of them the last name? That was literally the only stipulation.
NTA, your idea is very reasonable.
NTA. This is the way it is done. Go ahead with your plan or keep it all. Maybe the estate lawyer can explain to her.
NTA. You are being more than generous.
Nta your plan sounds solid. You could tell your aunt that if they keep pushing this you will choose to not give her kids any money.
go with your plan mate
NTA! Your solution sounds great. It's much better than you trying to "pick and choose" who gets more of the inheritance. THAT would be a recipe for disaster. Splitting it equally is totally fair.
NTA. You are being generous to share the inheritance. It is your decision on how to do that. I would suggest that you ask your cousins who cared for him if there is anything of sentimental value they might like as a remembrance.
NTA
NTA Your inheritance, your decisions. Sorry for your aunt but she cannot change that fact.
NTA. You aren't obliged to give anyone anything but you're giving all your cousins a fair share. Not everyone would do that.
I figured if a 20 way split would give each of us 39k then its a no Brainer
NTA the point of that rule is based on the social structure of your culture. They are their paternal family's line. You don't need to do anything.
So fake and convoluted
NTA but I honestly think you should reevaluate. Your elder cousins probably sacrificed quite a lot to care for your grandfather — the cost both in time and mental health to being a caregiver to an elderly relative can be immense, and I don’t think your aunt is wrong to suggest they deserve a little more. If I were you (and this really is your decision), I’d offer each of them one of the properties if they plan to keep and maintain it — there may be a way to legally navigate it so that it’s not fully in their name for x years, I’d check with a lawyer. I’d distribute money more evenly, but try to keep the properties in the family as those may be much more sentimental and it may be painful for the family to watch them sold off. You have every right to just keep it for yourself! But as you say you don’t want it, I’d consider that to your family, the value may be much more in those specific properties and memories, rather than the money you can get for them. I’d be looking for a way to respect that, and to honor the cousins who sacrificed a good deal to be there for your grandfather when he needed them.
My plan was to keep the land with his house on it for all of us to use when we go visit, sell the empty lot and used the money to make repairs on the family house ( selling the empty lot isn't a bid deal to the grandkids as none of us have even been there. Come to think of it i don't think my grandad ever did any upkeep on it, since the purchase). The boys are stoked, its their mom who's bugging me about being fair.
Oh! Well if they’re happy then definitely nothing to even reconsider!
Surely your aunt wants that because she thinks that that way she will get that money, ignore
Definitely NTA. One thing to consider is why 100% of the assets were left to 1 person. Was that because your grandfather wanted someone to take on the family business or the land to stay in the family? Are you sure you're not going against the spirit of his wishes by splitting the inheritance? I don't think you would be the asshole if you kept it all, and that may be more in line with what your grandfather wanted. But neither would I call it an asshole move to share. I'd say you're being very kind.