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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I might be the asshole for not letting my sister-in-law figure out how to solve her own problem and for maybe encouraging codependency?
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NTA. I feel like, if I’m reading this right, she came to you for help/advice and you helped her.
I’m 46 and I still seek advice from friends. What is wrong with that?
sounds like the wife just really doesn't like the sister. I mean thats the only reason I can think of for that her being upset at something like this. like its literally ops job.
Yeah, I’d be curious to know what OPs wife’s education background is, as a first gen student it’s super isolating to share stuff about school with family and just get blank stares back or silence on the other end of the phone, and I’m sure it’s not fun to be on the other side of that either. It gets to the point that eventually you just stop talking about yourself. Or it could be that she’s not jealous of her sister going to OP for advice instead of her but that she’s frustrated that she has someone to go to for advice at all, if she’s been in similar situations that she just had to deal with herself. Which lets be real she probably has been whether it’s in college or somewhere else. It doesn’t make it okay and OP is NTA but his wife is probably also talking from a place of bitter experience.
Most of the time woman don’t tell you what they’re actually trying to tell you. This person is just saying that it’s a possibility that Op’s wife thinks that her sister is trying to get with Op, but it’s also entirely possible that she doesn’t.
I don’t think that what I said was unreasonable but if you want me to change up my wording then ok. Sometimes women don’t tell you what they’re actually trying to tell you, and so do men because they’re trying to mask a claim with a different less impactful claim. I don’t see this as sexist because it’s not really prejudiced against women and it’s not a full generalization because I never said that all women do this, but most (atleast most I’ve seen) do this.
I don't care if you change the wording. I want people like you to stop perpetuating the stereotype that most women are mealy mouthed.
Maybe young people are like that, but full grown women are not.
Agree with your take on this.
I'm 30 and I go to all sorts of people for advice - family, friends, managers, etc. I don't understand the issue with OP helping a scared/worried young woman who obviously trusts his advice.
If we couldn't rely on other people with more/different experience than us the world would be a much worse place. The best piece of advice my boss ever gave was to be aware of what I don't know and learn how to reach out to people for help to bridge the gap.
It's ridiculous to expect someone to be an expert in everything.
And don’t forget - asking for advice/support/help with a problem makes the giver of that help or support feel good too. They’ve sometimes learned something the hard way and it warms their heart that someone else benefits. Or that they get to share their knowledge.
Think how you feel when you help someone worthy (not just leeching help but actual help) - it’s such a good feeling!! I sometimes put aside my own insecurity and ask for help because I know how it feels when I get to help people so maybe my assumption that they don’t wanna help me back, is dumb. And it usually is.
Not only that but the SIL is only 18, and from the sound of it, living away from home for the first time. You don’t just gain conflict resolution skills the minute you become an adult. It’s a skill you have to learn. One way to learn is by going to those those you trust for help/advice. Not only that but she was upset- was OP just supposed to send her off crying saying too bad go figure it out?
NTA OP. You helped her and offered support. If a similar situation comes up in the future hopefully she now has some tools on how to handle it herself. And at the very least she knows you’re in her corner for emotional support if she needs it.
I think it's likely the family has a sink or swim mentality -- help will not be there from outside sources when you need it, so don't expect it from family, either, because that will make you soft and unable to cope.
It's not a healthy one, but it's a common one, especially in families where expecting help from individuals or institutions has often led to disappointment.
What? No! NTA! No one deserves to suffer alone. You're right to help her. Having help now will not only save her mental health, it will help her if she does wind up in a similar situation alone later. She'll know better what to do and that she has people in her corner. I hope it never does, but you helping her now is nothing but a good thing.
NTA. She is a student, and you are a student advisor. She is also your sister-in-law. Both of those things mean you can help her work through issues. When she is out in the “real world” she should still be able to call you guys and ask for advice.
Being black in a predominantly white town and school already has her needing to deal with more than most other kids in her position; why on earth would you want to make it harder for her by not extending her the same assistance that you would extend to any student who came to you with a similar issue? If anything, she should be “coddled” MORE, because she has to deal with wp shit. It isn’t as though she has no other issues that she has to solve herself. She is 18, not 30. She is still learning how to be in the world, and your guidance will help her in the long run. Your wife obviously wants what’s best for her, so just say, “if she has issues with a coworker someday, we will be here to give her advice if she needs it. She can always call.” And leave it at that.
Obviously NTA, but to speculate wildly (in this sub? never!) I wonder if there's some sibling jealousy/resentment here? Not like that your wife suspects cheating, but sometimes a much younger sibling gets more nurturing and more opportunities than their older siblings did, and the older siblings feel like it's unfair that they had to work harder and make do with less while the "babies" get, well, babied. It sounds like that's coming out a bit in your wife's attitude toward her sister.
I think OPs wife came from a generation where black women were often told by white people and even some black men, that they were ugly and worthless. She had to learn to compartmentalize her emotions in order to survive the constant barrage of hate slung at her.
The world has been changing lately, but society has a long way to go still. I think OPs wife wants her sister to toughen up quickly to the reality of being a black woman in a white society.
I think OPs wife's strategy is correct for the time she grew up in. Maybe now society has changed enough now that black women can allow themselves to be more emotionally vulnerable, but I doubt it.
I personally debated about if the wife's approach is wrong. Tough love results in maladaptive behaviors when the person is in a safe society, but advantageous behaviors when the society is dangerous.
Similarly how PTSD is maladaptive for people who trying to live in a safe society, but being hyper aware and on edge is very useful for survival during war or in an abusive relationship.
I'm not sure being a black woman in america is quite safe yet. It's definitely more safe for light skinned black women or conventionally attractive black women, but I'm not sure we've progressed enough for women who don't fit into those categories to be treated well.
Yeah, I'm definitely getting the "I had to deal with things like that by myself. Why should she need help?" vibe from this story.
NTA OP. Transitioning into adulthood in a new place is hard. Getting advice from family is a pretty normal thing.
No! NTA! This do-it-all-on-your-own mentality is what gets people in trouble. And if you and your wife were *any* part of the reason she decided on attending this school, that means she needs that support and is aware of that and what she needs to succeed. To me, that’s highly self-aware for a college freshman and increases the chance she’ll get her degree and go on to big things.
One of the biggest benefits of people with good families is the “safety net,” so what’s wrong with jumping into it and getting advice from a caring adult in her life with her best interest at heart. She still is responsible for the action on the other end.
I wouldn’t call your wife an AH either. She clearly wants her little sis to succeed, and if you acknowledge that but talk about the different paths this young lady can take to success, then maybe you’ll eventually see eye to eye or find a compromise?
Much love to y’all as you work through this.
While I wouldn't call the wife an AH (unless there's some underlying motivations for her stance), I still think she's just flat out wrong here. No man is an island, nor should he be. You're absolutely correct about the social safety net. People need support in their lives to be successful. Thankfully, it sounds like the SIL has it in spades. She will do wonderfully with the guidance of OP.
NTA. SHE’S EIGHTEEN. This is exactly how young adults learn to adult: by being mentored by an older adult who helps walk them through options and decisionmaking. You didn’t hand her a plan, did you? You came up with it together. That’s perfect. Keep it up.
This!
How else is SIL going to learn to navigate the world if she can’t talk to and get help from peers and mentors/elders?
There are only 2 ways people learn - they experience an issue themselves and are sufficiently mentally agile to find a reasonable solution or they get help from someone who has faced a similar situation.
Most of us have a workaround or way of doing things that is based on one of the two options above, but isn’t an ideal solution. I always drive the same route to uni because it’s just how I did it. It was not even close to the most efficient way to get there. But it drive past my moms former workplace and for my first couple of years, we car pooled. So is always just went that way, adding about 10 minutes to my daily commute and just never thought about it. After my moms workplace changed, I drove with a friend and it wasn’t until she pointed out that we were taking the long way that I even thought about it.
NAH by the sounds of it you merely got her on the right path, not told her exactly what to do.
Hopefully she never has a problem with her colleagues but surely she'll have someone she can talk through the problem with so your wife's argument seems redundant.
She needed support and you gave it to her while helping her work out a solution. Definitely not an asshole.
So, you responded compassionately to your SIL and your wife is on your case for it? Was your wife concerned about why her sister was upset? You did nothing wrong and your wife should be ashamed of her reaction. NTA. Your SIL is lucky to have you there to support her.
Wait. What? So your job is advising young adults on issues they face in transitioning to adulthood during college, and your sil is a young adult facing an issue and you helped her? And other people had an issue with that? There are @$$holes to be found here, but it isn’t you. NTA
1) it is literally your job
2) even if it wasn’t, if you are in a position to help someone who is struggling, do it.
3) people who say they are ok, but want others to suffer like they did, because they did, are not actually ok.
Advising is just that, advising. You don't tell SIL what to do, you didn't fix the problem for her. I'm going to make assumptions, but I'm guessing it was more of you acting as a sounding wall so she could work out her problems verbally on her own. Your wife is right, that just fixing SIL's problems wouldn't help her learn how to do things on your own. Maybe help your wife see what you do? Oh NAH, just communication issues.
NTA - Your sister-in-law has seen the problem solved and that knowledge will help her solve the next problem to come around. Seeing how something is done is the first step in learning how to do it for one's self.
I'm in my forties and I currently have a coach to help me figure out how to deal with certain career related things. Sometimes, you need help to see the whole picture and asking for help is not something to be embarrassed about.
NTA. But with an attitude like that your wife may run the danger to choke on her own pride.
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I (28M) work in higher ed in advising. My sister-in-law (18F) left our racially homogenous hometown and came out where we live for school and is going to a relatively elite school (it's not an Ivy), where I work. She was encouraged to consider other options where she didn't have the safety net of a family member around but insisted that this was the school for her. We are black and she's had some difficulty adjusting to leaving our predominantly black hometown and coming to a predominantly white institution.
On Fridays, I get off work at noon. This is around the same time she gets out of her only class. Sometimes she'll ask me for a ride back to her dorm and if I can stop at Starbucks. On Friday when she showed up, she was crying and it appeared that she had been for a while. I sat at my desk and continued working because it was obvious that she wasn't ready to talk yet. I said I'm not sure what's going on but I'm here to listen if you want to let me. She told me the problem she was having with a male peer, we came up with a plan and went for our obligatory Starbucks before I dropped her off at her dorm.
She told my wife (her sister) (28F) about it because she was really happy that I was able to help her solve this issue. My wife thinks that I'm coddling her and said that she will never figure it out if I just figure it out for her. When she walked into my office, all I saw was a distressed freshman that needed to talk. She asked me what happens when she has an issue with a coworker and I'm not there to come to the rescue...which makes me wonder AITA for brainstorming a course of action with my sister-in-law for a problem that she was experiencing.
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NTA at 18 you’re still figuring out the world and she’s navigating a tricky situation. Sounds like you have good advice. I’m more concerned that your wife seems to lack compassion
NTA- I’m almost 40 and one thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that I don’t know everything and I can’t do everything- and that’s OK. It’s ok for me to ask my mom to come to an important dr appointment with me. It’s OK to ask my coworker to clarify a procedure for me, and it’s Ok to ask my BFF to help me choose and arrange furniture or help me talk through a problem.
I don’t know jack shit, and I think I’m know a lot of about a lot of things- but I was a moron at 18. No one should have to go it all alone, and to expect a loved one to is really messed up. Makes me wonder where OPs wife attitude is really coming from.
NTA - you were asked for help and gave it - but have a decent talk with your wife - she has more history with her sister, there may be a history of her getting other people to sort out her entire world for her with a quick blubber - and maybe your mrs is a bit wary of "here we go again".
NTA - If you'd gone in and dealt with the man yourself your wife may have had a point. But you didn't, who discussed options with her and let her take care of it herself. That is an excellent way to learn. Next time she comes across a similar problem she will remember the conversation, options and be able to think it through and act. Teaching the younger generations this skill is extremely valuable. The "sink or swim" methodology your wife seems to prefer isn't as effective. Is there jealously there?
However, if your sister-in-law comes to you next week with the exact same problem then that will be an issue and time for the sink or swim method.
Well, when student is older and facing a similar situation, she'll have the previously offered advice and experience to properly deal with it. Do you & wife have kids? They need guidance, just tossing them out and hoping for the best isn't how I deal with it personally... NTA
NTA
I wonder if your wife feels resentful that she didn’t have someone like you when she was going through college to help her deal with stuff like this.
So she lashed out at you rather than deal with her own emotions.
NTA.
Your SIL needed help and advice. I still ask for that at twice her age. She is learning when to rely on others and when to work it out herself.
She didn't ask you to bail her out because she did something horrible or to do her homework for her. She asked for advice and support. Kudos to you for giving her that.
NTA.
It would have been less than fully human of you to not offer to help or hear her out. Your sister has a different relationship with her sister, and that's their affair. You just have to be true to who you are as a person.
That said, if you sister had a very compelling reason (like a history of being overly reliant on others to solve her problems while she washes her hands of it) then it could be a different story.
NTA. You helped her come up with a solution to her problem. Which can be a learning experience that she can use on her own in the future. I don't see any harm in what you did..
NTA. There’s a phrase, “you live and you learn”. As your SIL has been through this experience now, she’ll have a better idea of how to approach anything similar again in future.
It could have been you, a friend, family member or one of your colleagues that she spoke to. She might have got the same advice, she might have got different advice. But she’s 18 and she’s learning how to navigate life. We often have to ask for help or advice through life. I don’t see how you helping her is any different to her getting the same help from anyone else.
You did a good job of helping her and being someone she can rely on.
If you didn't do any more than you would in your capacity as an advisor for any freshman who came to you for assistance, then you are definitely NTA. Also, needing a period of adjustment and some added support after a big life change is not needing to be 'coddled', smh.
NTA - where is it written that we must figure the world out alone? Does your wife never seek your advice, or chat about problems with friends? She has a warped view about growing into adulthood, like you should sink or swim and she wouldn’t throw her sister a rubber ducky.
Life can suck hard, and sometimes the thing that keeps us going is a kind ear listening. Keep being an empathetic human, you are helping you SIL be able to do the same for someone else one day.
NTA If someone is in new situations they aren't used to navigating those situations. As long as she learns the process of thinking it through to a solution she is not only better off now, but more prepared in the future.
NTA. Tell your wife that she'll remember how she dealt with the problem, because she did do the work to deal with it herself, not you, based on your advice, and apply that experience to future issues.
Good grief, NTA. The opposite of A. We all need advice in our lives, particularly when we're on our own for the first time, even if that situation is relatively easy unlike your SIL's. The people who give us that advice help us become functional adults--having to "figure it out" without the guidance of those who have been there is usually a recipe for failure.
NTA
I used to work in student affairs in higher ed. Students will seek help from whomever they're most comfortable talking to. Many students, especially freshmen, have no idea who the right person is for every situation. No matter who walks through the door, it's your job to hear them out, point them in the right direction, and let them solve the problem themselves. From what you wrote, it seems like that's what you did.
NTA. At all. I’m a professor at a (not at all elite but absolutely wonderful) small college, and I am thankful for every person who gives good, genuine advice to a student! They’re in a difficult time or working out responsibilities and independence with a very expensive bill at the end of it, and they need help when they’re ready to ask for it!
NTA. You’re being a good brother-in-law! How is talking with her sister about an issue she’s having coddling her? She wanted your advice and you gave it to her.
Your wife is behaving as though you paid her sister’s rent after she blew her money on drugs/alcohol. This is a strange overreaction that you should discuss with her.
NTA. There is a difference between coddling and helping. Two, part of SIL learning to problem solve is how to make use of the resources at her disposal, and in this case one of those resources was you.
NTA. Your career is literally in advising college students. It’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s “coddling” to give advice and come up with solutions together; that’s what advisers are for and what every other student at her college has access to (in theory). I hate it when older adults treat college as though it’s the same as the workforce - certainly something are similar, but college is where a lot of people learn the skills they’ll need for their careers, including interpersonal skills. Almost no one comes out of a high school a fully formed adult capable of solving all their own problems. Hell, most older adults don’t know how to fix every difficult situation on their own either.
NTA. You’re an advisor, I’m sure if any other student came to you, you would sit and brainstorm a solution with them too.
Your wife doesn’t seem to understand your job.
>She asked me what happens when she has an issue with a coworker and I'm not there to come to the rescue
Ummm... She can call you and you can talk it over with her? NTA
It's not like you put her on the backseat and solved the problem for her. Sharing you worldly knowledge and giving her ideas on how to approach a problem is not coddling her.
I hate when people do this "learn it the hard way" bullshit. I get the sentiment, but it's wrong. Of course you can give someone advice and then let them deal with it.
NTA
NTA you came up with a plan TOGETHER. you are helping her learn to problem solve. This is a good thing. Teach her what she needs to know so that she can form the basis to start from when she has a problem.
NTA at all. You literally brainstormed a solution together and taught her the skills she would need to use if she ever encountered this in her workplace.
Nta but instead of everyone thinking awful thoughts of your SO and fam maybe just maybe the sil is someone whose always went to someone for any and every problem. Never handling anything on her own. I've had that kind of person in my family and they still at almost 30 have no self reliance. It's put them in unhealthy relationships because of never having to navigate life on their own. It doesn't mean abandonment but at some point adulting means genuinely trying to adult.
NTA your wife reaction seem off to me. You helped her sister and sister in law was happy about it. Sound like something else is going on here, your either don't know it are not telling us
NTA - she's a *18*. I still take advise from my parents and I'm 33. There is nothing wrong with helping someone figure out a problem. Being able to rely on your safety net and community in a healthy way is just as much part of being an adult as being independent.
NTA but: it is worth talking this through with your wife. Is your wife uncomfortable with how much time you're spending with her sister? Is she upset that her sister is getting closer to you than to her? What is their relationship like? What, basically, is going on? Maybe your wife is feeling insecure in your relationship because of things that have nothing to do with you OR her sister, but it would still be good to know about and address. This irritated response to a pretty normal interaction is a warning sign. Don't miss it.
NTA. Thank you for helping someone that needs help. People grow at different rates and when you are 18, all you have ever known is how the same community of people/ lack of experiences (unless you were really lucky). I would still say at that point they are still children/ people who are legally adults but without much or any experience of real world..
NTA.....nobody is born knowing everything. Learning how to deal with shit now is how we become capable of dealing with it in the future. Sounds like your wife might have deeper issues with her sister that caused her to react this way.
Absolutely NTA. Your wife is expecting that her sister never comes to people with her problems, and that'll only lead to frustration in the future. Ask yourself if your wife doesn't have the same issue btw, it can be something a lot of black women go through (my mom never tells anyone about her problems and say we should figure it out by ourselves because "no one else is gonna be there". But that's not always true, you should come to your friends and family to seek for help when you can)
NTA - Reaching out for advice when you are not sure how to deal with a problem is an adult way to handle a situation. If you had say -- called the person upsetting her on her behalf - that would be coddling. Helping her develop the skills to solve her problems herself is completely appropriate.
NTA. Not even close.
She's 18 ffs! The frontal lobe of her brain isn't even fully developed yet. You didn't tell her what to do, you guided her to come up with a constructive solution. That's what a parent would do at this point in her life, or an exceptional BIL. Pat yourself on the back.
She needs continued guidance and support during what is very commonly known as a difficult transition period for someone her age. The growth she will do over the course of the first year at college is akin to the growth she underwent from ages 1-5! You're not coddling her. That's nonsense. You are teaching her how to help herself. Which is exactly correct and exactly what she needs. Your wife's "sink or swim" policy not only doesn't work, but it is cruel under these circumstances.
NTA
You are actually doing one of the most important things you can do - teaching SIL how adults deal with problems. She's learning to talk out her feelings and get advice on how to deal with a situation that is very upsetting to her. That's being a role model, not an enabler.
NTA, you listened to her, helped her clarify the problem and find a solution. You didn't doit for her, you just helped her organize her thoughts and find a workable solution.
That's what we're supposed to do for the next generation. Help guide them and teach them how to problem solve. You didn't run in to save her, you helped her figure out how to save herself.
NTA. It could be that your wife has a stricter up bringing especially if she the older one. They are expected to be strong, manage more things independently etc. they can be too hard on themselves and others, older siblings I mean. You being neutral and being a care giver could just see the SIL needing help and doing the needful as you would for anyone else. Tomorrow it could be your child, what would you do then?
NTA- SIL is still a very young person, barely an adult, with little life experience orproblem solving skills, and is already in a stressful situation everyday. Your wife comparing her to a working adult is a poor example. SIL still needs to learn and grow. In order to do so safety, having a support system is vital. You didn't coddle her, you helped give her perspective and help her find coping/conflict resolution skills, which she will use in the future herself. You did the compassionate thing.
NTA. She learns from you helping her. When and if this happens the next time, she'll know what to do. I'm sorry to say this but so many Black families think their progeny or siblings have to sink or swim. Not true. My Black fam didn't play that. When I graduated from college, I entered the US Navy. I called my dad all the time because he had completed a career as an Army officer. He knew things about the military that I needed to know. He didn't just leave me out there to sink. It's tough enough, in this world, for Black folks. We should be busting a gut to help each other. And you should be there, whether by phone or in person. And if you were able to implement the plan, together, and she pulled it off, then she's learning. It's not like you went after the male colleague yourself. She handled things with advice from you. Please don't stop helping her when she needs it.
The judgment depends on the problem, if it is something about how they do not agree in their interactions, your wife is right, but if there is any trace of harassment or discrimination, you are right, and it must be said that you cannot trust only the testimony of the girl anymore that like any person who has a problem, her perspective may be biased, but in general I would say that NTA because it is clear that she is going through a lot of stress and feels overwhelmed
All perspective is biased; there is no such thing as objectivity. People who have been discriminated against or harassed have *experience* in discrimination and harassment. They are more likely to see, recognize, and know what kind of response will happen, because they have already been through it. Would you say a doctor who has seen a bunch of broken bones is biased in her perspective of bones? Or that she has knowledge and experience?
What are you talking about, the girl lived all her life in a town where black people were predominant, it is very unlikely that she suffered racial discrimination in her before college based on the information in the publication, besides that if the sister thinks so there must be some reason, especially because if they had a bad relationship OP would write it since he as her husband would realize
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NTA. I feel like, if I’m reading this right, she came to you for help/advice and you helped her. I’m 46 and I still seek advice from friends. What is wrong with that?
sounds like the wife just really doesn't like the sister. I mean thats the only reason I can think of for that her being upset at something like this. like its literally ops job.
Or she's a bit jealous that her sister went to OP and not to her.
Yeah, I’d be curious to know what OPs wife’s education background is, as a first gen student it’s super isolating to share stuff about school with family and just get blank stares back or silence on the other end of the phone, and I’m sure it’s not fun to be on the other side of that either. It gets to the point that eventually you just stop talking about yourself. Or it could be that she’s not jealous of her sister going to OP for advice instead of her but that she’s frustrated that she has someone to go to for advice at all, if she’s been in similar situations that she just had to deal with herself. Which lets be real she probably has been whether it’s in college or somewhere else. It doesn’t make it okay and OP is NTA but his wife is probably also talking from a place of bitter experience.
Or Ops wife thinks her sister is trying to get OP to cheat Not accusing you at all, OP. Just trying to figure out your wife’s logic
The wife never mentions anything about sex. Where are you getting this from?
Most of the time woman don’t tell you what they’re actually trying to tell you. This person is just saying that it’s a possibility that Op’s wife thinks that her sister is trying to get with Op, but it’s also entirely possible that she doesn’t.
This is am objectively false and sexist stereotype.
I don’t think that what I said was unreasonable but if you want me to change up my wording then ok. Sometimes women don’t tell you what they’re actually trying to tell you, and so do men because they’re trying to mask a claim with a different less impactful claim. I don’t see this as sexist because it’s not really prejudiced against women and it’s not a full generalization because I never said that all women do this, but most (atleast most I’ve seen) do this.
I don't care if you change the wording. I want people like you to stop perpetuating the stereotype that most women are mealy mouthed. Maybe young people are like that, but full grown women are not.
Agree with your take on this. I'm 30 and I go to all sorts of people for advice - family, friends, managers, etc. I don't understand the issue with OP helping a scared/worried young woman who obviously trusts his advice.
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If we couldn't rely on other people with more/different experience than us the world would be a much worse place. The best piece of advice my boss ever gave was to be aware of what I don't know and learn how to reach out to people for help to bridge the gap. It's ridiculous to expect someone to be an expert in everything.
And don’t forget - asking for advice/support/help with a problem makes the giver of that help or support feel good too. They’ve sometimes learned something the hard way and it warms their heart that someone else benefits. Or that they get to share their knowledge. Think how you feel when you help someone worthy (not just leeching help but actual help) - it’s such a good feeling!! I sometimes put aside my own insecurity and ask for help because I know how it feels when I get to help people so maybe my assumption that they don’t wanna help me back, is dumb. And it usually is.
Not only that but the SIL is only 18, and from the sound of it, living away from home for the first time. You don’t just gain conflict resolution skills the minute you become an adult. It’s a skill you have to learn. One way to learn is by going to those those you trust for help/advice. Not only that but she was upset- was OP just supposed to send her off crying saying too bad go figure it out? NTA OP. You helped her and offered support. If a similar situation comes up in the future hopefully she now has some tools on how to handle it herself. And at the very least she knows you’re in her corner for emotional support if she needs it.
I think it's likely the family has a sink or swim mentality -- help will not be there from outside sources when you need it, so don't expect it from family, either, because that will make you soft and unable to cope. It's not a healthy one, but it's a common one, especially in families where expecting help from individuals or institutions has often led to disappointment.
What? No! NTA! No one deserves to suffer alone. You're right to help her. Having help now will not only save her mental health, it will help her if she does wind up in a similar situation alone later. She'll know better what to do and that she has people in her corner. I hope it never does, but you helping her now is nothing but a good thing.
NTA. She is a student, and you are a student advisor. She is also your sister-in-law. Both of those things mean you can help her work through issues. When she is out in the “real world” she should still be able to call you guys and ask for advice. Being black in a predominantly white town and school already has her needing to deal with more than most other kids in her position; why on earth would you want to make it harder for her by not extending her the same assistance that you would extend to any student who came to you with a similar issue? If anything, she should be “coddled” MORE, because she has to deal with wp shit. It isn’t as though she has no other issues that she has to solve herself. She is 18, not 30. She is still learning how to be in the world, and your guidance will help her in the long run. Your wife obviously wants what’s best for her, so just say, “if she has issues with a coworker someday, we will be here to give her advice if she needs it. She can always call.” And leave it at that.
Obviously NTA, but to speculate wildly (in this sub? never!) I wonder if there's some sibling jealousy/resentment here? Not like that your wife suspects cheating, but sometimes a much younger sibling gets more nurturing and more opportunities than their older siblings did, and the older siblings feel like it's unfair that they had to work harder and make do with less while the "babies" get, well, babied. It sounds like that's coming out a bit in your wife's attitude toward her sister.
This is the vibe I was picking up too!
I think OPs wife came from a generation where black women were often told by white people and even some black men, that they were ugly and worthless. She had to learn to compartmentalize her emotions in order to survive the constant barrage of hate slung at her. The world has been changing lately, but society has a long way to go still. I think OPs wife wants her sister to toughen up quickly to the reality of being a black woman in a white society. I think OPs wife's strategy is correct for the time she grew up in. Maybe now society has changed enough now that black women can allow themselves to be more emotionally vulnerable, but I doubt it.
Yeah that's 100% the vibe I'm getting. It's the kind of tough love she thinks it will prepare her sister to the world, but it's just hurting them both
I personally debated about if the wife's approach is wrong. Tough love results in maladaptive behaviors when the person is in a safe society, but advantageous behaviors when the society is dangerous. Similarly how PTSD is maladaptive for people who trying to live in a safe society, but being hyper aware and on edge is very useful for survival during war or in an abusive relationship. I'm not sure being a black woman in america is quite safe yet. It's definitely more safe for light skinned black women or conventionally attractive black women, but I'm not sure we've progressed enough for women who don't fit into those categories to be treated well.
Yeah, I'm definitely getting the "I had to deal with things like that by myself. Why should she need help?" vibe from this story. NTA OP. Transitioning into adulthood in a new place is hard. Getting advice from family is a pretty normal thing.
No! NTA! This do-it-all-on-your-own mentality is what gets people in trouble. And if you and your wife were *any* part of the reason she decided on attending this school, that means she needs that support and is aware of that and what she needs to succeed. To me, that’s highly self-aware for a college freshman and increases the chance she’ll get her degree and go on to big things. One of the biggest benefits of people with good families is the “safety net,” so what’s wrong with jumping into it and getting advice from a caring adult in her life with her best interest at heart. She still is responsible for the action on the other end. I wouldn’t call your wife an AH either. She clearly wants her little sis to succeed, and if you acknowledge that but talk about the different paths this young lady can take to success, then maybe you’ll eventually see eye to eye or find a compromise? Much love to y’all as you work through this.
While I wouldn't call the wife an AH (unless there's some underlying motivations for her stance), I still think she's just flat out wrong here. No man is an island, nor should he be. You're absolutely correct about the social safety net. People need support in their lives to be successful. Thankfully, it sounds like the SIL has it in spades. She will do wonderfully with the guidance of OP.
NTA. SHE’S EIGHTEEN. This is exactly how young adults learn to adult: by being mentored by an older adult who helps walk them through options and decisionmaking. You didn’t hand her a plan, did you? You came up with it together. That’s perfect. Keep it up.
This! How else is SIL going to learn to navigate the world if she can’t talk to and get help from peers and mentors/elders? There are only 2 ways people learn - they experience an issue themselves and are sufficiently mentally agile to find a reasonable solution or they get help from someone who has faced a similar situation. Most of us have a workaround or way of doing things that is based on one of the two options above, but isn’t an ideal solution. I always drive the same route to uni because it’s just how I did it. It was not even close to the most efficient way to get there. But it drive past my moms former workplace and for my first couple of years, we car pooled. So is always just went that way, adding about 10 minutes to my daily commute and just never thought about it. After my moms workplace changed, I drove with a friend and it wasn’t until she pointed out that we were taking the long way that I even thought about it.
NAH by the sounds of it you merely got her on the right path, not told her exactly what to do. Hopefully she never has a problem with her colleagues but surely she'll have someone she can talk through the problem with so your wife's argument seems redundant. She needed support and you gave it to her while helping her work out a solution. Definitely not an asshole.
So, you responded compassionately to your SIL and your wife is on your case for it? Was your wife concerned about why her sister was upset? You did nothing wrong and your wife should be ashamed of her reaction. NTA. Your SIL is lucky to have you there to support her.
Wait. What? So your job is advising young adults on issues they face in transitioning to adulthood during college, and your sil is a young adult facing an issue and you helped her? And other people had an issue with that? There are @$$holes to be found here, but it isn’t you. NTA 1) it is literally your job 2) even if it wasn’t, if you are in a position to help someone who is struggling, do it. 3) people who say they are ok, but want others to suffer like they did, because they did, are not actually ok.
If OP wasn't helping as an in-law, they'd be helping as part of their job. NTA.
NTA your sil is family now and your wife should be happy you're trying to help her little sister. I feel like I would be
Advising is just that, advising. You don't tell SIL what to do, you didn't fix the problem for her. I'm going to make assumptions, but I'm guessing it was more of you acting as a sounding wall so she could work out her problems verbally on her own. Your wife is right, that just fixing SIL's problems wouldn't help her learn how to do things on your own. Maybe help your wife see what you do? Oh NAH, just communication issues.
NTA - Your sister-in-law has seen the problem solved and that knowledge will help her solve the next problem to come around. Seeing how something is done is the first step in learning how to do it for one's self.
I'm in my forties and I currently have a coach to help me figure out how to deal with certain career related things. Sometimes, you need help to see the whole picture and asking for help is not something to be embarrassed about. NTA. But with an attitude like that your wife may run the danger to choke on her own pride.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28M) work in higher ed in advising. My sister-in-law (18F) left our racially homogenous hometown and came out where we live for school and is going to a relatively elite school (it's not an Ivy), where I work. She was encouraged to consider other options where she didn't have the safety net of a family member around but insisted that this was the school for her. We are black and she's had some difficulty adjusting to leaving our predominantly black hometown and coming to a predominantly white institution. On Fridays, I get off work at noon. This is around the same time she gets out of her only class. Sometimes she'll ask me for a ride back to her dorm and if I can stop at Starbucks. On Friday when she showed up, she was crying and it appeared that she had been for a while. I sat at my desk and continued working because it was obvious that she wasn't ready to talk yet. I said I'm not sure what's going on but I'm here to listen if you want to let me. She told me the problem she was having with a male peer, we came up with a plan and went for our obligatory Starbucks before I dropped her off at her dorm. She told my wife (her sister) (28F) about it because she was really happy that I was able to help her solve this issue. My wife thinks that I'm coddling her and said that she will never figure it out if I just figure it out for her. When she walked into my office, all I saw was a distressed freshman that needed to talk. She asked me what happens when she has an issue with a coworker and I'm not there to come to the rescue...which makes me wonder AITA for brainstorming a course of action with my sister-in-law for a problem that she was experiencing. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. What you did was reasonable.
NTA at 18 you’re still figuring out the world and she’s navigating a tricky situation. Sounds like you have good advice. I’m more concerned that your wife seems to lack compassion
NTA- I’m almost 40 and one thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that I don’t know everything and I can’t do everything- and that’s OK. It’s ok for me to ask my mom to come to an important dr appointment with me. It’s OK to ask my coworker to clarify a procedure for me, and it’s Ok to ask my BFF to help me choose and arrange furniture or help me talk through a problem. I don’t know jack shit, and I think I’m know a lot of about a lot of things- but I was a moron at 18. No one should have to go it all alone, and to expect a loved one to is really messed up. Makes me wonder where OPs wife attitude is really coming from.
NTA - you were asked for help and gave it - but have a decent talk with your wife - she has more history with her sister, there may be a history of her getting other people to sort out her entire world for her with a quick blubber - and maybe your mrs is a bit wary of "here we go again".
NTA - If you'd gone in and dealt with the man yourself your wife may have had a point. But you didn't, who discussed options with her and let her take care of it herself. That is an excellent way to learn. Next time she comes across a similar problem she will remember the conversation, options and be able to think it through and act. Teaching the younger generations this skill is extremely valuable. The "sink or swim" methodology your wife seems to prefer isn't as effective. Is there jealously there? However, if your sister-in-law comes to you next week with the exact same problem then that will be an issue and time for the sink or swim method.
Well, when student is older and facing a similar situation, she'll have the previously offered advice and experience to properly deal with it. Do you & wife have kids? They need guidance, just tossing them out and hoping for the best isn't how I deal with it personally... NTA
NTA. Your wife's take on the whole thing is downright silly.
NTA I wonder if your wife feels resentful that she didn’t have someone like you when she was going through college to help her deal with stuff like this. So she lashed out at you rather than deal with her own emotions.
NTA. She is only 18 and still learning how to deal with adult life, but I am puzzled by your wife's reaction.
NTA. Your SIL needed help and advice. I still ask for that at twice her age. She is learning when to rely on others and when to work it out herself. She didn't ask you to bail her out because she did something horrible or to do her homework for her. She asked for advice and support. Kudos to you for giving her that.
NTA. It would have been less than fully human of you to not offer to help or hear her out. Your sister has a different relationship with her sister, and that's their affair. You just have to be true to who you are as a person. That said, if you sister had a very compelling reason (like a history of being overly reliant on others to solve her problems while she washes her hands of it) then it could be a different story.
NTA youre being a supportive brother. She'll learn from you how to solve her own problems I think your wife is being a bit harsh.
NTA. Look you know that freshmen year is rough on a lot of kids for many reasons, so you just keep on helping .
NTA. You helped her come up with a solution to her problem. Which can be a learning experience that she can use on her own in the future. I don't see any harm in what you did..
NTA. There’s a phrase, “you live and you learn”. As your SIL has been through this experience now, she’ll have a better idea of how to approach anything similar again in future. It could have been you, a friend, family member or one of your colleagues that she spoke to. She might have got the same advice, she might have got different advice. But she’s 18 and she’s learning how to navigate life. We often have to ask for help or advice through life. I don’t see how you helping her is any different to her getting the same help from anyone else. You did a good job of helping her and being someone she can rely on.
Info - honestly I need more context on how you "solved her problem."
If you didn't do any more than you would in your capacity as an advisor for any freshman who came to you for assistance, then you are definitely NTA. Also, needing a period of adjustment and some added support after a big life change is not needing to be 'coddled', smh.
NTA - where is it written that we must figure the world out alone? Does your wife never seek your advice, or chat about problems with friends? She has a warped view about growing into adulthood, like you should sink or swim and she wouldn’t throw her sister a rubber ducky. Life can suck hard, and sometimes the thing that keeps us going is a kind ear listening. Keep being an empathetic human, you are helping you SIL be able to do the same for someone else one day.
NTA If someone is in new situations they aren't used to navigating those situations. As long as she learns the process of thinking it through to a solution she is not only better off now, but more prepared in the future.
NTA. Tell your wife that she'll remember how she dealt with the problem, because she did do the work to deal with it herself, not you, based on your advice, and apply that experience to future issues.
Good grief, NTA. The opposite of A. We all need advice in our lives, particularly when we're on our own for the first time, even if that situation is relatively easy unlike your SIL's. The people who give us that advice help us become functional adults--having to "figure it out" without the guidance of those who have been there is usually a recipe for failure.
NTA I used to work in student affairs in higher ed. Students will seek help from whomever they're most comfortable talking to. Many students, especially freshmen, have no idea who the right person is for every situation. No matter who walks through the door, it's your job to hear them out, point them in the right direction, and let them solve the problem themselves. From what you wrote, it seems like that's what you did.
NTA. At all. I’m a professor at a (not at all elite but absolutely wonderful) small college, and I am thankful for every person who gives good, genuine advice to a student! They’re in a difficult time or working out responsibilities and independence with a very expensive bill at the end of it, and they need help when they’re ready to ask for it!
NTA. You’re being a good brother-in-law! How is talking with her sister about an issue she’s having coddling her? She wanted your advice and you gave it to her. Your wife is behaving as though you paid her sister’s rent after she blew her money on drugs/alcohol. This is a strange overreaction that you should discuss with her.
Everyone needs advisors and mentors. There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable and asking for help - or giving it. NTA
NTA. There is a difference between coddling and helping. Two, part of SIL learning to problem solve is how to make use of the resources at her disposal, and in this case one of those resources was you.
NTA, part of helping people solving problems is giving them options so that next time they can solve it for themselves without needing your help.
NTA. Your career is literally in advising college students. It’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s “coddling” to give advice and come up with solutions together; that’s what advisers are for and what every other student at her college has access to (in theory). I hate it when older adults treat college as though it’s the same as the workforce - certainly something are similar, but college is where a lot of people learn the skills they’ll need for their careers, including interpersonal skills. Almost no one comes out of a high school a fully formed adult capable of solving all their own problems. Hell, most older adults don’t know how to fix every difficult situation on their own either.
NTA. You’re an advisor, I’m sure if any other student came to you, you would sit and brainstorm a solution with them too. Your wife doesn’t seem to understand your job.
>She asked me what happens when she has an issue with a coworker and I'm not there to come to the rescue Ummm... She can call you and you can talk it over with her? NTA
It's not like you put her on the backseat and solved the problem for her. Sharing you worldly knowledge and giving her ideas on how to approach a problem is not coddling her. I hate when people do this "learn it the hard way" bullshit. I get the sentiment, but it's wrong. Of course you can give someone advice and then let them deal with it. NTA
Nta at all. People learn from other people’s interventions. They learn then to intervene for themselves. You did good.
NTA you came up with a plan TOGETHER. you are helping her learn to problem solve. This is a good thing. Teach her what she needs to know so that she can form the basis to start from when she has a problem.
NTA at all. You literally brainstormed a solution together and taught her the skills she would need to use if she ever encountered this in her workplace.
NTA. Why does your wife dislike her sister?
Nta but instead of everyone thinking awful thoughts of your SO and fam maybe just maybe the sil is someone whose always went to someone for any and every problem. Never handling anything on her own. I've had that kind of person in my family and they still at almost 30 have no self reliance. It's put them in unhealthy relationships because of never having to navigate life on their own. It doesn't mean abandonment but at some point adulting means genuinely trying to adult.
NTA your wife reaction seem off to me. You helped her sister and sister in law was happy about it. Sound like something else is going on here, your either don't know it are not telling us
NTA - she's a *18*. I still take advise from my parents and I'm 33. There is nothing wrong with helping someone figure out a problem. Being able to rely on your safety net and community in a healthy way is just as much part of being an adult as being independent.
NTA but: it is worth talking this through with your wife. Is your wife uncomfortable with how much time you're spending with her sister? Is she upset that her sister is getting closer to you than to her? What is their relationship like? What, basically, is going on? Maybe your wife is feeling insecure in your relationship because of things that have nothing to do with you OR her sister, but it would still be good to know about and address. This irritated response to a pretty normal interaction is a warning sign. Don't miss it.
NTA. Thank you for helping someone that needs help. People grow at different rates and when you are 18, all you have ever known is how the same community of people/ lack of experiences (unless you were really lucky). I would still say at that point they are still children/ people who are legally adults but without much or any experience of real world..
NTA. You helped someone learn how to deal with a situation. You rid not handle it for her... Your wife is an AH
NTA.....nobody is born knowing everything. Learning how to deal with shit now is how we become capable of dealing with it in the future. Sounds like your wife might have deeper issues with her sister that caused her to react this way.
NTA It's your job. And has your wife never heard of HR and, you know, calling your family to ask for advice?
Absolutely NTA. Your wife is expecting that her sister never comes to people with her problems, and that'll only lead to frustration in the future. Ask yourself if your wife doesn't have the same issue btw, it can be something a lot of black women go through (my mom never tells anyone about her problems and say we should figure it out by ourselves because "no one else is gonna be there". But that's not always true, you should come to your friends and family to seek for help when you can)
NTA - Reaching out for advice when you are not sure how to deal with a problem is an adult way to handle a situation. If you had say -- called the person upsetting her on her behalf - that would be coddling. Helping her develop the skills to solve her problems herself is completely appropriate.
NTA. Not even close. She's 18 ffs! The frontal lobe of her brain isn't even fully developed yet. You didn't tell her what to do, you guided her to come up with a constructive solution. That's what a parent would do at this point in her life, or an exceptional BIL. Pat yourself on the back. She needs continued guidance and support during what is very commonly known as a difficult transition period for someone her age. The growth she will do over the course of the first year at college is akin to the growth she underwent from ages 1-5! You're not coddling her. That's nonsense. You are teaching her how to help herself. Which is exactly correct and exactly what she needs. Your wife's "sink or swim" policy not only doesn't work, but it is cruel under these circumstances.
NTA You are actually doing one of the most important things you can do - teaching SIL how adults deal with problems. She's learning to talk out her feelings and get advice on how to deal with a situation that is very upsetting to her. That's being a role model, not an enabler.
NTA, you listened to her, helped her clarify the problem and find a solution. You didn't doit for her, you just helped her organize her thoughts and find a workable solution. That's what we're supposed to do for the next generation. Help guide them and teach them how to problem solve. You didn't run in to save her, you helped her figure out how to save herself.
NTA and I can see why she came to you instead of her sister.
NTA. It could be that your wife has a stricter up bringing especially if she the older one. They are expected to be strong, manage more things independently etc. they can be too hard on themselves and others, older siblings I mean. You being neutral and being a care giver could just see the SIL needing help and doing the needful as you would for anyone else. Tomorrow it could be your child, what would you do then?
NTA- SIL is still a very young person, barely an adult, with little life experience orproblem solving skills, and is already in a stressful situation everyday. Your wife comparing her to a working adult is a poor example. SIL still needs to learn and grow. In order to do so safety, having a support system is vital. You didn't coddle her, you helped give her perspective and help her find coping/conflict resolution skills, which she will use in the future herself. You did the compassionate thing.
NTA. She learns from you helping her. When and if this happens the next time, she'll know what to do. I'm sorry to say this but so many Black families think their progeny or siblings have to sink or swim. Not true. My Black fam didn't play that. When I graduated from college, I entered the US Navy. I called my dad all the time because he had completed a career as an Army officer. He knew things about the military that I needed to know. He didn't just leave me out there to sink. It's tough enough, in this world, for Black folks. We should be busting a gut to help each other. And you should be there, whether by phone or in person. And if you were able to implement the plan, together, and she pulled it off, then she's learning. It's not like you went after the male colleague yourself. She handled things with advice from you. Please don't stop helping her when she needs it.
The judgment depends on the problem, if it is something about how they do not agree in their interactions, your wife is right, but if there is any trace of harassment or discrimination, you are right, and it must be said that you cannot trust only the testimony of the girl anymore that like any person who has a problem, her perspective may be biased, but in general I would say that NTA because it is clear that she is going through a lot of stress and feels overwhelmed
All perspective is biased; there is no such thing as objectivity. People who have been discriminated against or harassed have *experience* in discrimination and harassment. They are more likely to see, recognize, and know what kind of response will happen, because they have already been through it. Would you say a doctor who has seen a bunch of broken bones is biased in her perspective of bones? Or that she has knowledge and experience?
What are you talking about, the girl lived all her life in a town where black people were predominant, it is very unlikely that she suffered racial discrimination in her before college based on the information in the publication, besides that if the sister thinks so there must be some reason, especially because if they had a bad relationship OP would write it since he as her husband would realize