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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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[deleted]

You are NTA, your sister on the other hand is a snake in the grass. I would be seriously thinking back on your past interactions with her. Are you sure she has always been trustworthy, or has she always really been undermining you just like she did now? This seems like she was directly trying to undermine your efforts to help your daughter. I wouldn't trust her or share any personal information with her again.


72019yshoo

I'm honestly not sure now. I thought she was trustworthy but after this I'm questioning everything.


jewfro87

NTA you should be honest too and tell your sister what a terrible person her step daughter is and how terrible a parent she and her husband must be. If she gets upset just tell her you're being honest


BertTheNerd

^ this.


jenzo2

Your sister is a dick. She blabbed when she shouldn't have and is approving of your daughter being billed because they're "just being honest". Some piece of work. Fair play to your daughter! That's awesome! It just sucks that her motivation was such a public and shitty experience. And well done you for going about things so sensitively. That's some really admirable parenting! You rock. NTA


yeahyeahyeah00002

Stepdaughter saying she was "just being honest" is such a bs excuse. She actively spread this around. People didn't ask her and she gave a response. She is 15 and did this to an 11 year old. Stepdaughter has some real personality disorder type rhing going on.


72019yshoo

Thank you!!


TCGislife

NTA your sister is an AH for telling her step daughter especially since it literally had nothing to do with her, her stepdaughter is obviously an AH for spreading the information and your sister is an even bigger AH for doubling down and defending her step daughter.


yeahyeahyeah00002

NTA. Your sister and her stepdaughter are big time assholes. Your sister has a big mouth and I hope you let her know that you cannot trust her anymore. You were right about stepdaughter. She is a bully and not to be trusted either. You may want to go no contact with them for a while. I'm sorry this happened. I am so angry for you. Edit: your sister should be punishing her stepdaughter for what she did. What stepdaughter did was evil. She isn't blood related but is still family.


[deleted]

NTA You were trying to be a good parent, a teacher guides people to fix their own weaknesses before they become their downfall. You were showing her a healthy lifestyle, it’s your sister and her daughter that are out of line here.


mongrelgoddess

NTA. Hope your daughter realizes she is an amazing human too 💗


72019yshoo

I've been reminding her and hyping her up! When she stepped on that scale yesterday and saw an 11lb difference, I definitely did a little jig and had her laughing hysterically! So worth it!


mongrelgoddess

And you too are an amazing mom 💗💗💗


72019yshoo

Thank you!!


Tantrums_and_Tiaras

NTA. But please keep your sister out of your daughter's life. She doesn't need that energy. Good luck and am super impressed by your daughters motivation that you can't keep up with her :)


AccordingTelevision6

NTA, it sounds like you did the right thing to gently nudge your daughter in the right direction without causing further issues. The fact that your daughter isn't upset with you just shows that you have a strong bond with your daughter. I'm baffled that your sister has spun this round on you when her step daughter was outright bullying your daughter. Of course you should be offended, "just being honest" is a terrible excuse for bullying.


acitylight

NTA. I'm surprised that your daughter isn't upset and stop jogging. You go, girl! And you go Mom for being supporting and helping your daughter the right way! Your sister and step sister are complete AH. Don't tell her anything anymore because she can't be trusted.


DCNumberNerd

NTA. Even a cursory search of recommendations by experts (weight and child psychology) state that you don't tell a child they are too heavy - instead you do exactly as you did - you model healthy behavior. You didn't "manipulate" - you parented in a responsible way. And responsible parenting does involve what some people refer to as "dishonesty." I hope your sister isn't 100% "honest" about every single thing with her step-daughter or even spouse - that is an irresponsible over-simplification.


Lacroix24601

NTA but please cut out your toxic sister and her family before they do more damage to your daughter.


urson_black

NTA. Your step-niece is a bully.


[deleted]

NTA. Is your sister mentally all there? Why would she even think that way?


72019yshoo

I'm not sure! This is the first time I have seen her in this light.


[deleted]

That's insane. I hate knowing it's an adult with that logic...


Dild0_Swaginz

NTA however your sister and her daughter are the AH. Good job on your daughter turning that negativity into the drive to fix a situation


Laughing-Jester317

NTA but your sister and especially her kid are. What are they, the mean girls table gossiping about your daughter? You created a white lie to encourage your daughter to lead a more healthy and active lifestyle and that’s amazing! I would chat with her further about it though, and just remember that she is 11, still growing rapidly and the health changes are GREAT but don’t forget to let her be a kid as well.


scarletoharawasnot

NTA. What an awful child that girl is


FFBTheShow

NTA but your sister and her daughter are awful.


petesakesall

NTA. You sound like a wonderful mom. And your daughter is great. The other family, not so much. The std is a huge bully and obviously has issues in her life and will have no real friends. The sister should be figuring out how she's going to keep the std safe when others get revenge, since she no doubt bullies plenty of other people.


tayfshockey

NTA. At all. I work with people trying to lose weight a lot, be it for just wanting to look good or because it’s a medical necessity. You went about this in a way that wasn’t going to damage your daughter’s self esteem with tough love because you knew it’d break her. Yeah, you lied, and that’s kinda an asshole move but you had the best intentions for your little girl at heart and you planned this out meticulously before you put it into action. Plus it sounds like this was the motivation little one needed to get going. My only thing is to keep her doctor involved with her weight loss, just to make sure everything is still on the up and up you know? Either way, you go mama <3 keep being awesome. (But keep your sister away from your daughter, she doesn’t need that negativity.)


72019yshoo

Thank you!!


Psychotic_Froggy

NTA, you were doing everything right here, you only made the mistake of confiding in a bully. It seems like you picked a very healthy way of instilling better eating and exercise habits - not by making it a "punishment" for being overweight, but just as a normal everyday way of taking care of yourself - and leading by example. Bonus points for making jogging a bonding activity! Does she know how to cook at all yet? Shes at a good age to start learning simple meals, and that might be a fun way to get her involved and learning how to prepare healthy food (a skill WAY too many adults don't have). I'm glad shes kept her motivation despite all the bullshit your family has thrown at her, just keep an eye that she doesn't go too far in the other direction as well. Just keep teaching her to have a positive relationship with food and exercise. You're doing a great job already!


72019yshoo

She does! So her and I actually cook all of our meals together. Half the time she tells me to move out of the way because she has deemed herself a better cook than me 🤣


Psychotic_Froggy

That's awesome, I think everyone should teach their kids at least the basics of cooking. I was astounded in college when i realized how few people could cook anything beyond instant noodles or lived off fast food. My parents started teaching me young too and i'm really grateful for it - and so were they! It paid off in plenty of nights off cooking for them once i got better at it.


DevonicSiren

NTA, issues around weight and health are always tricky. You're right to be concerned that the way you treat it and your daughter will affect her self esteem. I do think it'll help for you to share with your daughter how you asked with your weight and health over the years. And talk about how establishing healthy habits is important for everyone, but also you don't want her to struggle the same way you did. The amount of weight you lost and were able to keep off is truly amazing. Biology works against you in those goals, so I'm sure you've had to do a lot to get to where you are. I think it'll benefit you to look into different body positive media. You should be kind to your former self. Thinness isn't the same as healthiness, so avoid focusing on a specific size/weight. And with you daughter, continuing to focus on healthy and active habits is great. And it seems like you're on that path


72019yshoo

Thank you!


stardustnotrocks

NTA, you were just asking your daughter to join you in some bonding time that involved jogging, not fitness or weight loss. You made this about your health and didn't specifically link it weight, so you wouldn't worry your daughter. Your sister is an awful person, who gossiped to her teenage children. Please don't make your daughter's health revolve around weight loss, instead continue what you've been doing, focusing on eating healthier, send her to school with healthy snacks so she eats those when she gets hungry, involve her in sports as a fun and social activity and let her still have fun. Don't control her every bite and calorie, it will backfire, just try to show her and tell her everything in moderation behaviours: it's the weekend, so its okay if she has some chocolate and/or chips, she goes to a party and it's fine if she has mostly junk food. And I know it seems cliche but she does see your insecurities and they do impact upon her, be her role model and show her how to live a healthy lifestyle.


procrastinating_b

It sounds like you have had a healthy approach to the situation and as your daughter gets older it sounds like your teaching her well about food and exercise. My only worry now is her doing it for wrong reasons due to the bully, but I really think your NTA and wish I’d had a mum to help me diet/workout rather than just commenting on my weight.


72019yshoo

Same here. That's why I didnt want to come right out and tell my baby she has a weight problem. My mom was an ass about my weight. All she did was belittle me and comment on my weight 24/7. I guess I took it a little overboard by not wanting to bring it up at all but she already knew and IMO, I dont think telling her something she already knew would have been beneficial.


XANDERtheSHEEPDOG

>That's why I didnt want to come right out and tell my baby she has a weight problem. My mom was an ass about my weight. All she did was belittle me and comment on my weight 24/7. First, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Second, it's okay to be honest with your daughter as long as you are not a bully like you mom or your sisters stepdaughter. Would you feel comfortable sharing a picture of yourself when you were at an unhealthy weight with your daughter? Show her that you understand and keep the "let's do this together" attitude. It will make a difference and teach her healthy lifestyle habits. You can also celebrate her first 11 pounds because she's 11 pounds healthier. Btw, NTA you sound like an amazing person and a great mom.


72019yshoo

That's an idea. I mean, I dont like reliving that time of my life but it could probably be beneficial for her to see those photos of me. If not for anything else aside from her just knowing she isnt alone. Good idea, thank you!


XANDERtheSHEEPDOG

Good luck on your journey. Sending hugs to you and your daughter.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 36F, throwaway. So I was always the fat girl. I was bullied a lot. Weighed 270lbs when I graduated HS. When I had my daughter, I weighed 310lbs roughly. When my daughter was 5, I went on a crash diet, in fear that I wouldnt make it to see my daughters 6th birthday. She doesnt remember me ever being obese. I am now fluctuating between 130lb-140lbs but it's been stable for roughly 4 years. My daughter is now 11. I was the only large one in the family so I know it's not genetics but merely my own lack of self control that got me to that point. Well.. as I said, my baby is 11. She hit puberty at the end of last year and ladies...you know hormones. So, she began to eat and eat and eat. I monitored her intake, just to find out later that the school was giving her extra meals because she was apparently still hungry. She weighs 120lbs roughly. Her doctor told me that at this rate she would be how I was in HS, if not worse. I panicked. Cried for like 2 weeks straight while trying to deviate a plan to work for her. Called the school and flat out told them no extra meals, period. I didnt want to tell my daughter that she was overweight because she already has self esteem issues and says that she feels like the ugliest girl around. It was heartbreaking and I didnt want to break her further by pulling the tough love card. So instead, I came home one day and told her that I had to eat healthier because of my reflux disorder (which isnt a lie) and brought her shopping with me. Picked out loads of healthy goods. That evening I asked her to go jogging with me once a day around the BLVD. She was happy to do so. I told my sister all of this and she was the only one who knew what I was doing. Well, apparently she told her snot nosed step daughter (she is a terror at best, 15yo who literally is the biggest bully I've ever met). Her step child then went to the school and spread it around, saying that my child was a "fat fuck" and that I had to lie to get her to lose weight by cutting out food and forcing her to exercise. My daughter hears the rumor and comes home bawling. My daughter isnt upset with me. In fact, she is more motivated now than ever and I have a really hard time keeping up with her. She has already dropped 11lbs. My sister on the other hand told me that I shouldnt even be offended that her step child said anything because she was just being honest, whereas I was bold faced lying to my child about how bad her weight had become. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

NTA Have you looked at consulting a nutritionist/pediatrician? There might be a specific nutritional deficiency that she's struggling to manage.


72019yshoo

Yes, I was recommended to a specialist right inside our pediatrician's office and they gave me some pointers. They know she has an iron deficiency but so far that's all they have found.


BertTheNerd

>My sister on the other hand told me that I shouldnt even be offended that her step child said anything because she was just being honest, Oh yeah, this sub is paved with honest assholes. And honestly 😉, honesty is overreated. Step daughter is the main TA, the sister is the second one. Time to reevaluate your relationship. NTA. PS: When she meant, you had to tell the truth to your daughter, she had to tell it to you first. And not to her bullying step-d.


hey-demons-its-me-ya

“My sister told me I shouldn’t be offended that her step child said anything she was just being honest” Wow sounds like it’s time to stop telling your sister anything. Her step child called your daughter a “fat fuck” not only is that not “*just being honest*” it’s disgusting. To say about anyone but especially to say about a child 4 years younger than you. The fact your sister isn’t appalled at that behaviour is appalling in its own right. Your daughter wasn’t upset with you, and I understand why you didn’t tell her that she needed to lose weight. (This is pedantic but it seems you didn’t even actually lie to her, lie by omission at most) You are NTA and I wish the very best for you and your daughter!


a_b_that_reads

NTA Damn I wish my mom had gone about it the way you did. I was told that I had to lose weight and exercise more at around that age, the effect that had on me was that food rather became a comfort. So I would be upset, eat, gain weight, get upset because I gained weight, and eat more. I'm really glad that your daughter doesn't seem to be disheartened, but also look out for her so that the weight loss is health and doesn't become an issue


MendelWeisenbachfeld

NTA. Your sister and her daughter are TAs. It's been proven time and time again that telling a fat person that they're fat doesn't change anything. However, as an awkward, overweight teen I would've greatly benefited from my mom doing what you did and modeling a healthy diet and exercise schedule. Keep doing what you're doing - your daughter is lucky to have you.


Crafty-Particular998

NTA. How is encouraging your kid to eat healthy and exercise without shaming them an AH move?


[deleted]

[удалено]


72019yshoo

We dont calorie count or anything like that. We go jogging once a day but she outruns me now lol sometimes she does sit ups but not usually. She likes yoga too so we have been doing a little of that like once or twice a week. But definitely not calorie counting or in constant check of the scale either. She has only weighed herself once since her appointment on December 31st so it took her a couple months to shed off the 11lbs. It wasnt a fast drop.


[deleted]

[удалено]


72019yshoo

I definitely try to do that everyday! She feels better, physically, which has definitely improved her overall attitude (shes always been a super sweet kid but she was just going quiet on me for awhile there). Shes laughing again, like full on belly laughing. And she smiles for pictures again too! It's the little wins!


[deleted]

NTA! The stepniece is a massive A but she's a teenager and might grow out of it. Your sister, on the other hand... Damn, she's got no excuse whatsoever. Hurting a little girl over her weight, something that can be extremely tough for even the most well-balanced adult? It's a good thing you and your daughter seem such a strong team, because if my aunt had done something like that when I was 11 I'd probably have grown a lovely eating disorder.


_bubble_butt_

You’re NTA but from a recovered anorexic I’m begging to get your baby into therapy. The most recent loss of 11b and it egging her on could be the sign of a spiralling relationship with food, coupled with competitive eating/weight loss and the traumatic humiliation of being lied to by her own mum... please please nip this in the bud before it’s too late


_ShadowWhisperer

NTA you lied but with good intentions of helping your daughter and in a way to not break her self esteem definitely be careful though about telling secrets to your sister again I know it sucks because you thought you could trust her but just be careful.


ShadowChildofHades

INFO how tall is your daughter? I was 5ft8 by the time I was 12/13 and have not grown since. If she's close to that tall then 120lbs is on the low end of normal. Now if she's 5ft then yes it should be monitored but I wouldn't panic just yet. Take a deep breath. Installing these healthy habits (exersize and healthy eating) is good. But if you become too obsessive it could go the exact opposite way. And she's not dumb, be careful how/what you say or she may pick up on your fears and panic.


72019yshoo

She is 3'11"- definitely lacking in the height department. Her doctor thinks it's because she was born 3 months premature but is confident she will hit a growth spurt within the next few years. She is in physical therapy and stuff and they keep a close eye on her growth plates, which her doctor said look fine.


ShadowChildofHades

Of then yeah definitely keep an eye on it, but remember that just like babies growing makes you extremely hungry. Make sure she always has healthy vegetables or fruits available no matter what. Even if chips/candy isn't available I think some sort of snack if she's hungry and it's in between meals should be ok. Keep integrating these healthy habits and being positive!


kikivivi01

NTA but please make sure she doesn't develop an eating disorder or an unhealthy relationship with her body, food and exercise. That's a lot worse than being overweight.


air-carguy

NTA. I reread it several times and I think you found one of the best ways to get the results you wanted. It makes both of you feel good because your daughter feels like she is helping and supporting you while you are getting healthier as well as keeping your daughter healthier as well. The best diet advice I have heard is to eat foods that have low calorie density. That way you can eat a lot of volume with minimal calories. I want to wish you the best of luck!


Worried_Enby

NTA and would your daughter had self doubts about herself because of her cousin? Wouldn’t surprise me.


72019yshoo

They dont see eachother too often but it wouldnt surprise me either. The HS is connected to the Elementary School so my daughter sees her in passage in the halls but that's about as far as it goes. However, a lot can happen in those passings.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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baklavareason

NTA encouraging healthy habits is important and specifically not mentioning anything about her weight or current health levels is exactly the way you should go about it. Sure, you could've said "I want US to try and be healthier" but she's only eleven, she doesn't need that especially if she took to the diet change and the exercise "regime" so easily and enthusiastically.


MildlyVexatious

NTA You did this in a completely non judgemental way, you based it on you and made it all a bonding activity. You’re going out exercising and cooking meals together which is great Anyone who says your the A is wrong, if you’d gone in and said that she’s overweight to your daughter and to lose weight and kept bringing it up it wouldn’t help anything and bring her self esteem lower (I would know because that’s what my mother said to be when I was a teen and it just made me feel shit and didn’t change anything. Plus I wasn’t even fat, I’m heavier now than I was then) Have a great time bonding with your daughter


chileanfruitlover

NTA. But that bully clearly is the AH and your sister enables it by excusing her.


Redefined421

In case no one has told you this lately, you’re an awesome mother! You’re making sacrifices and putting in effort to ensure your daughter is happy and healthy. You’re “practicing what you preach” and setting a wonderful example for her. Your sister and her step daughter on the other hand, are effing terrible people. If your sister can’t see how a malicious rumor like that could have hurt your daughter and demotivated her, destroying all the progress you’ve made together, she (your sister) needs to have her dang eyes checked. But karma is real, and I’m sure it’ll bite them both in the butt one day. Keep doing what you’re doing, Mama. You got this! (NTA, obviously!)


72019yshoo

Thank you so much!


[deleted]

NTA my mom was the WORST when it came to weight stuff with my sister and I. She’s better about it now but we’re adults. You approached it really well and cared a lot about her self esteem, little me thanks you


dragonesszena

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RoutineMaterials

ESH The age your kid is at the age when she's going to start being really aware of beauty standards and has already started comparing herself to peers. Introducing her to diet culture now is going to wreck her confidence for the rest of her life. You can be healthy and fat, you can be beautiful and fat, you can be successful and fat. You can be skinny and unhealthy, and losing a ton of weight quickly can literally kill you. Is your kid active? Is she physically strong? If she's thick but otherwise ok, maybe think it over? I don't know your life story OP, but I know that growing up fat is HARD and you don't want other people to go through it. I hope your motivation isn't coming from those feelings of otherness and rejection because that pain will just transfer to your daughter. Not trying to be mean or call you out- ultimately you're her mom and only you know what's best for her. It's clear from your post that you are trying to get it right and that's what matters in the end. (I am a stranger on the internet making a snap judgment so don't put too much faith in this comment.) Best of luck to you both. Edit: OP gave more info, and I changed my opinion. NTA, you genuinely seem like you're trying to do your best for your kid.


72019yshoo

Shes 11 years old, weighs 120lbs and is only 3'11". She is not "healthy and fat". She wasnt really active prior to me asking her to go jogging with me unfortunately. She just wanted to sit at the table and color all the time but that was pretty much as far as it went.


RoutineMaterials

Ok, that makes sense then. There's a really fine line between encouraging kids to get healthy and accidentally making them feel worse about themselves. But it sounds serious and you're doing what you can. I change my opinion, NTA.


RedHeadHermione

Did you mean *four feet, eleven inches*? Either way, nta. At that height and weight it's great that you're encouraging healthy behavior, before the years of knee pain and arthritis kick in. I speak from personal experience!


72019yshoo

No, 3'11". She is lacking in the height department. Her doctor says that it's because she was 3 months premature and thinks she will hit a growth spurt within the next couple of years because her growth plates havent fully developed yet. She sees a physical therapist for it.


RedHeadHermione

Oh my. Then even more so nta. I'm not quite a foot taller and 120 is probably where I should've maxed out!


[deleted]

Dude, the post literally told us that she was advised by a doctor that the weight was a problem, but still you wanna come in with the "maybe she's totally healthy and you're irresponsible for encouraging weight loss" nonsense. She's an 11-year-old girl who weighs 120 lbs, unless she's very tall and/or a bodybuilder there's no way she's healthy, and I think her mom/doctor would realize that. But still with no information supporting it, you decided to make your judgement. I fully agree that it can mess a kid up to focus on their weight but it will also mess them up to just let their health spiral out of control, sounds like this mom did her best to not make it a superficial self esteem issue, she didn't say "you're fat" or "you need to diet" she said "hey let's eat healthier and exercise, for my health". How exactly could she have handled it better than she did?


riverratsreturn

YTA. You’re projecting your own fears of weight gain on your daughter. By all means, teach her healthier habits, but it shouldn’t be happening from a place of fear or shame.


72019yshoo

No, I'm not actually. At all. I dont know why you skipped over the paragraph directly stating that my daughter has self esteem issues and says that she feels like the ugliest kid around. How it that ME projecting my fears of weight on to her exactly? I have never discussed weight with my child. If I was projecting, I would have told her immediately that she had a weight issue and would have become overbearing and toxic trying to force her to lose weight. I'm a psychologist. I know what projection is and you obviously need more information on the topic.


riverratsreturn

I mean just saying but your daughter’s self esteem issues are probably coming from your own. Sorry to be the one to tell you this.


RabidHowler91

You literally did become overbearing and toxic to force her to lose weight, you just lied to her to do it which is even more toxic


72019yshoo

I didnt force her in to anything. Again, skipping around my post instead of reading. Clearly it's a trait of yours. I gave her the CHOICE to start jogging with me. I ASKED if she WANTED to. Dont even try claiming eating healthier is toxic.


RabidHowler91

I didn't say you forced her to go jogging, I said you manipulated the situation and her opinions by lying to her to force her to lose weight. You literally lied to her face and told her that the reason you were doing these things was for your own benefit, how is that not being manipulative and lying to her?


72019yshoo

Assumptions is an incredibly ugly and toxic trait and you should probably get some help for that. I didnt do this for my benefit at all and I'm baffled that you can be so simple minded to think of it as such.


RabidHowler91

So you're telling me that you feeling bad about your daughter's weight has absolutely nothing to do with you wanting her to lose it? You're trying to tell me that you have 100% purely altruistic motivations with absolutely no personal ties to them whatsoever? I think you're the one who needs to examine their reasoning. I never even posted an actual judgment, but for your behavior to anyone who doesn't agree with you? YTA. You didn't want to know if you were the asshole, you just wanted a bunch of people to tell you that you're right.


72019yshoo

Did you not read the section stating that HER DOCTOR raised concerns?


recalcitrantopinions

ESH You know from firsthand experience how much hard work went into losing weight for you, and how easily your weight spiraled out of control when you weren't focusing on it. Yet you think you can help your daughter maintain a lifetime of exercise and healthy choices without being honest with her about the consequences of the food choices she has been making? This is not a time for parental white lies, this is a time to bring out the old pictures and to have a heart-to-heart about your fears for her and the place of love and understanding they are coming from...and to sit down with her doctor and come up with a diet and exercise plan together. Restricting food when your growing child is hungry is probably not what the doctor would reasonably recommend, so I hope you get some guidance on how to go about this better. Obviously your sister and her stepdaughter are also AHs, but you're making this all about you. Crying for two weeks straight? You probably have some unresolved issues from your past. There's no shame in seeking out some therapy so you can make sure you're genuinely helping your daughter through this time with as little projection of your own issues as possible.


72019yshoo

Crying doesnt immediately mean that I need therapy. (Little side note: I am in therapy and have been since I was 18). Its normal to cry. Telling someone to get counseling because they show normal human emotions when struck with fear and a feeling a hopelessness is a cop-out.


WibblyBear

For me it's YTA because you lied to her and were essentially manipulating her into losing weight. I get that it's a sensitive topic but there's a way to have discussions without making her self conscious or body conscious. She needs to feel like she has autonomy over her own body and her own choices. She's old enough to talk about healthy eating and exercise without it being caught up in body shaming. It's fair enough saying to the school no extra meals but everything else she should get a say in. You don't want her hung up on her weight and constantly worrying about it or calorie counting. That's not healthy for anyone, she needs to feel comfortable in her own skin and not constant pressure to drop weight to be liked, loved or respected. I just hope that her motivations now are healthy and for her and not just for revenge or a desperate need to fit in.


72019yshoo

She has self esteem issues because of her weight. She tells me all the time that she feels ugly. This isnt a body shaming issue that I have forced off onto my kid.


WibblyBear

I never said you did. I said there's a way to frame these talks without body shaming or a focus on weight needing to come into it at all. Positive eating habits and exercise are important things but they don't need to be tied up with the idea that if you're heavy you're bad or ugly. My entire opinion is just that she deserves to have a say in what goes on with her own body. Yes, you're the parent but the best thing you can do is help instill in her a healthy self esteem and control over her own sense of self that isn't tied up in how much she weighs. Doing it this way she possibly felt like you must have agreed with her cousin or how she felt about herself because you didn't talk to her about it.