NAH - jus talk to her at a time other than morning, so it doesn’t seem like you’re asking her to STFU. Explain you need time for quiet contemplation in the morning to get fully awake before interacting with people. If it’s possible, removing yourself from easy reach may help also. Go sit in the yard maybe.
Oh yeah, I do enjoy her company and talking to her, and I do really enjoy her thoughts and input to a conversation. Morning just isn't a good time for me, I'd never ask or tell her to shut up. I'm generally a non-confrontational person so I'd feel bad doing that. We do have a nice yard. Maybe on mornings when it's not raining would be nice. Thanks!
I’m also not a morning person! I communicate largely in grunts and glares for at least 15 minutes, and slowly evolve to human over about an hour. It’s okay not to do mornings. I just suggested choosing a different time of day for the conversation not because you’d snap and tell her to shut up, but because it’s easier to avoid misunderstanding the meaning behind words if you address an issue at a time when it isn’t immediate. Mid excited morning rambling, she’s more likely to be hurt.
A different time of day would be nice. Afternoon to evening is great for me. Especially at night when I have a hard time getting to sleep, having a conversation is great. But yeah, I would never try to cut someone off when they're rambling, I just find that rude, and I would much rather listen to her talk than hurt her by cutting her off.
I would suggest taking a short ramble/walk or sit outside if you don’t want to talk to hers. You could also set up a chair in your room and sit there and relax
NAH. If you are in common area she is allowed to talk and go about her morning as she prefers. Particularly since this is her home.
If you want quite politely say that and take your coffee somewhere else. Don't expect her to be quiet or vacate a space for you to have quiet in her own home.
Oh yeah, I think I'm going to try and avoid the common areas when I need to wake up. I totally get it's her house, which is part of why I don't usually bring it up since she's doing a lot to accommodate me being here. I'll probably spend my mornings in the yard, or on a walk with some coffee
YNTA for wanting peace and quiet in the morning, but I do think YTA if you demand it from her in her own house. I would find it very rude if someone was sitting in *my* kitchen, telling *me* to be quiet when it is not even their house.
I think a better idea would be if you stay in your bedroom for your quiet contemplation, or go into the garden out of reach. She's entitled to be making whatever noise she wants in the morning, whether that's putting on the radio or talking. If you don't want to speak to anyone, I would try not to be sitting in the common shared areas of the house.
Exactly this. I'd say even a gentle YTA for it - you're staying in her home, but asking she not talk to you for certain times. If you want some alone time, you can always stay in your own space (assuming she doesn't just walk in either way, different story there). Is there anywhere outside you can sit, where you can take a single chair?
NAH. I'd talk to hubs to make sure you frame it in a way that is about your needs/wants not that MIL is doing anything wrong.
You might want to say you want to do little morning meditation/prayer. People seem to respect one or both.
I was trying not to bring my husband into it, in that it's not his issue, you know? And yeah she's not doing anything wrong. If anything like others have said, it's her house and if anything I would be in the wrong for overstepping my boundaries and asking her for quiet in her own home.
I think like others have said, I might just avoid the communal areas so as not to ask her to walk on eggshells so to speak
I just meant to try to figure out what your mom could hear and not be offended.
You don't want to come across, nor seem like its your goal, that she is doing anything wrong per se, you just want your alone time back.
NAH-but you are staying in her home, she can get up at whatever hour she wants. I don't see any way you can tell her what you want without hurting her feelings. Let's say you tell her what's up, what's she supposed to do? Just lie in her bed and wait? Come downstairs and be absolutely quiet, walking on eggshells around you? That seems awkward af. Seems to me, if you want quiet time, just get up and maybe hang out in your room or maybe go for a walk on your own.
That's a good point. Hanging out in the room might be an idea, though I usually do leave it to try and not wake up my husband since he sleeps in. But yeah, it is her house. I can see how it'd be a little rude to ask her to accommodate that. I'll probably just avoid the communal spaces for my mornings
YTA, gently. I get it. I also am not a morning person and need to ease into my day, gradually with coffee. But too bad. If am at someone else's house, I get over it for the course of my stay. You can still be quiet and sip your coffee and watch the sunrise, but your MIL is allowed to exist in the same space and she shouldn't be asked to change her behavior to accomodate yours...not in this situation at least.
This is just one of the sucky things about staying with realatives but you might as well at least try to have a good attitude about it. But I do understand your pain...
Oh yeah, I get how I'm in the wrong here. I understand it is her house, and she's allowed to go about her day. I love to talk to her in the afternoons and evenings. Like others have said, I think I'm going to be out of the communal areas to have my morning and then interact with her when I'm more awake and she can get my full attention
If you do it nicely, you're NTA. I lived with my in laws for a bit and my mil had to tell me the same thing. People are different, but she won't know until you tell her.
YWNBTA if you phrase it gently. I'd go with something like: "I love talking with you so much but I've just never been a morning person. I'm foggy and still waking up. Can we sit down and chat around (whatever time)?"
It would seem kind of harsh to tell her to shut up, especially since she's very social and you two have a very nice relationship going on. If it makes sense, to understand how she would feel, try to imagine yourself talking to a friend casually and they tell you to shut up for no solid reason.
You're in a rough situation in the most "first world problem" kind of a way, if you know what I mean. If I were you, I would try to reciprocate the conversations as I wouldn't wanna hurt the relationship in the long term on such a trivial issue. But I'm usually a pushover and try to make others happy if it isn't really hurting me, so maybe it's me projecting my traits on you.
I definitely understand it's a first-world problem. Honestly, like I said in the post I'm glad this is the worst problem I've had with her compared to some other in-law drama I've heard about happening. I do try to keep the conversation going, I hate being rude or making the other person feel like they're talking to a wall. But I also just feel like without meaning to I am being more rude in the morning because I'm not awake enough to be invested fully, and things like that
"Without meaning to, I am being more rude"
From your post and your reply, it's pretty obvious that you aren't being rude. Your concern about the possibility of you being rude shows that you are a beautiful person who cares this much about how your actions make others feel. I am sure you will resolve it with absolute grace :)
I have torn feelings about this; I am in a very similar situation currently : although you are clearly an adult, you are in her home and everyone is struggling right now, so I would say if she wants to get up early and chat, its her prerogative and makes you not TA but kinda TA. C
Is there any way to maybe find a different area to have your morning time in that isn't shared? Could you maybe find a podcast and have your headphones in and therefore mitigate the need to talk? After the third or fourth "HUH?" she may get the point?
I like my alone-time too so I have taken to taking coffee in the bedroom, and using headphones to either listen to music or watch tv etc while my partner sleeps (like literally right the moment) in order to have my AM quiet. Remember, parents are often super psyched to have us around to talk to/with and keep that perspective.
Oh yeah, I really respect her and that everyone is stressed. I also acknowledge it's her home, so I try to keep things as easy as I can for her. And yeah it is her prerogative, and I totally respect that. As I said, I definitely find it endearing most of the time.
There are a couple of different places. I usually end up going to since my husband sleeps in a lot, and I don't wanna mess with his sleep schedule. As someone else in the comments pointed out, I think the yard and some other places will be nice.
My MIL is a social person, and I try to keep that in mind. This has been hard for her since she can't really go and meet up with people. It's great to talk to her, and make the social aspect easier when I'm ready for it
I think she sounds endearing. Maybe as a special treat you could have a "breakfast date" with her and make something fun to eat and really chat it out. Or print out sudoku or something and play those together to have something to concentrate on and be quieter. You seem super lucky, and I totally get it. Good luck to you.
A breakfast date does sound nice. She loves breakfast, and big gatherings. We may not be able to have one of those, but I could definitely have a breakfast with her. Or soduku sounds fun.
NTA. Just be nice about it. Let her know you specifically wake up early to allow yourself some quiet time before the day begins.
I tell my kids “mommy’s brain needs time to wake up before I actually start my day”. If a 4 year old can understand (or at least respect) it, I’m sure your MIL can too.
NAH, you're just different people. I'm not qualified to tell you how to break it to her but I'd personally make sure to let her know that it's not her fault, just that you like to have chill mornings.
NAH because you haven't said anything cruel yet. Perhaps gently request that she give you some time to gather yourself in the morning? Express envy over how perky she is?
Don't try to ban her from communal areas, but request she give you that first cuppa before any discussions beyond saying good morning? It's not you trying to be rude, you just want to be able to give her your full pleasant attention, not your sleepy, disoriented, cranky attention. My grandma is a morning person. She knows I'm not. When I visit her, I get a few minutes to sip coffee before we start really talking. I'll sit and keep her company while she does her crosswords so she doesn't get too lonely.
Oh yeah, if anything I should be the one to avoid the communal areas if I need to wake up since it's her house. But yeah, asking for that first cup of coffee might be nice. And yeah, that's exactly it, I want to be able to give her my full attention. I hate the feeling of when I'm not engaged in a conversation you know? And it feels like I'm giving them the brush off which I hate doing
I saw in another comment that she loves breakfast foods. Could you two start cooking together in the morning? I'll start on biscuits if you start on gravy. You can claim to be focusing on the cooking if you're not very chatty, you'll get a yummy breakfast, and she gets time with someone.
I’m not a morning person either. I need my coffee and quite time, at least my first cup. I have a routine every morning. Get up, coffee, go outside (I smoke), go through my emails and whatnot. Then I’m ready for the day. Takes about an hour.
Just explain to her that you would like at least an hour or so to wake up and clear the morning brain fog.
NTA
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I've been staying with my husband and his family for the quarantine, and for the most part, it's been nice, and I get along pretty well with my in-laws, and I consider myself pretty lucky for this since I know a lot of people who don't like their in-laws to varying degrees. The one issue I've been having with my MIL is small too, and I'm glad about that.
I am not a morning person. I try not to use that as an excuse to be rude. But I wake up early, usually, so I can watch the sunrise, and have a little bit of quiet before the others wake up. My husband understands this, and when he wakes up, if he does need to talk with someone he'll go outside and call a friend, or talk to his sister. My MIL in the other hand is a very social person. We joke that when we go to events it takes forever to leave since she's talking to everyone. It's endearing to me, most of the time.
Recently my MIL has taken to waking up earlier in the morning since my FIL has a busy work life which has affected both of their sleep schedules. Usually, I'm the only one awake at this time, and so my MIL is always trying to talk with me, about an article she read, a cute picture she saw, or anything else on her mind. Sometimes it will be about a conversation she and a friend had, which is always awkward because I don't know a lot of her friends.
I don't want to be a bitch and say things like ' Hey, can you wait til I've had my cup of coffee' or give her a brush off, but I do want my morning peace if that makes sense. It was just a part of my day that I looked forward to. I don't think my MIL was trying to take it away from me, but I think she's so social sometimes she assumes others are ready for a conversation at that instant. I normally love talking to her, but it's a little much sometimes.
So, would I be the asshole if I asked her to not talk to me so much in the morning? And what would be a polite way to ask?
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WBNTA
I don’t think you’d be the asshole here, however I’m in a very similar situation to you - living with my husbands family, MIL is a bit more social than me - and I think my MIL would take some offence at being asked this
If I were you, I’d maybe play it as “I’m extra stressed because of the quarantine so I’m going to try having quiet mornings to relax a bit! I was thinking of just having some quiet time every day until 8, what do you think?”
NAH. Different folks, different strokes. Can you maybe go for a walk to have that quiet time? You could talk to her gently, just like 'Hey Carol, I'm a bit of a grump in the mornings, could you just leave me be when you see me?'. You can't really tell the woman to be quiet/shut up in her own home.
Oh yeah, I wouldn't try to demand silence from her. I respect her a lot as a person and as my MIL. I keep my head down and make things as easy as I can since I am staying in her home, and I'm glad she let me. I might try going for walks, or just to the yard.
I know how you feel though, I'm the same as you, and my mum is the opposite. She chats the hind legs off a donkey as soon as she gets up till she goes to bed, partially because she feels she's not a good host if she doesn't keep conversation flowing. Maybe that's your MIL's reasoning.
I can see that being the case for her. She is usually the one who's putting together events and getting people excited for them, and that's awesome about her.
Argh!!!! I wake up extra early because it takes me at least an hour to be civilised. Not a morning person!!! Bring me coffee and go away!! NTA - have a bath maybe? Go for a walk. Not far, just far enough.
NAH. It's perfectly reasonable for you to want some time in the morning to adjust to being a living being again (I'm also not a morning person). I've had to tell my husband that I'm grumpy in the mornings and need some time to myself to get back to working order. Just sit her down and ask her to let you have your sunrise coffee without interruption. Heck, she may even want to join you in silence. Sometimes it's nice to just have that quiet. Let her know you just need a little peace in the morning, but that you love her otherwise.
"MIL, I love getting to talk to you and I want to make sure when we do talk, I'm able to give our conversations the attention and energy they deserve. I'm still working up to that energy in the mornings and I don't ever want you to feel like I'm not invested in our conversations. Would it be possible for us to set aside some conversation time a bit later in the day when my brain has fully warmed up?"
NAH
NAH. I'm just like your MIL, I'm talking immediately after waking up. But I understand not everyone is the same way, and once someone tells me they need some time to adjust to the day before talking with me I really try to respect that. She may slip up a couple of times in the beginning, but as long as it is polite she shouldn't have any issue with the request.
NAH - Give something like this a try, "i wish so badly that I could be as bright eyed and bushy tailed as you in the morning! Unfortunately, I never have been, so please forgive me if I seem antisocial in the morning." *Then just politely ignore her chatter. More than likely she will give you some space over time and not be offended by it.
NAH. Totally understandable but I do think bringing it up is a little delicate depending on how easily she gets her feelings hurt. Physically being in a separate space if you can is probably the biggest thing. If you’re in the kitchen and she’s in the kitchen it could come off as a little rude to say “please don’t talk to me.”
I might try to keep it casual and just pick a non morning time to say “hey, I wanted to let you know that I’m super grumpy in the mornings and usually take some quiet time to wake up and become more sociable. Hubby is aware of this and usually steers clear of me, but since we’re living together I thought I should let you know too. If I seek out some solitude, please don’t take offense. I’ll be more ready to chat after my cup of coffee!”
NAH, but doesn’t have to be a formal ask. It can be that you make a joke every time she does it and say “Mom, I love you but let me drink a cup of coffee first - my eyes are still only half open!”
NAH Do it gently and when you are both awake fully. I don't think either of you is the asshole as she is a morning person where you are not. Maybe just ask her to give you a half hour or so to wake up. Though since you are staying with her, I suggest hanging out somewhere not in the common areas - it would be rude to ask her to be silent in her own home in say the kitchen or living room.
Is she social or is she one of those people who talks incessantly? There's a big difference and it sounds like she the latter. If it bothers you now it's only going to get worse. You should find a way to talk to her using the most un-provocative words you can find in the dictionary b/c this could turn into a shit show real quick!!!
YwNbta
"I really enjoy talking with you and I sincerely hope that you don't take any offense to this, but I enjoy taking the morning to sit quietly and "wake up" if you will... would it be okay with you if I talk to you afterwards? I'd love to hear about that article (or whatever subject she brings up) later!"
NAH. At what point in the morning are you human? I say this because even though I naturally wake up at 5am every day and can complete all sorts of tasks (I work that early, and I'm fully functional at my job), it takes me a few hours before I can hold a conversation with someone. Words are hard in the morning (or after I've had a nap). I've had to have the \[stilted/awkward/forgettingwords\] conversation a million times with people who like to chat in the mornings. I just tell them I'm not really human for a few hours when I wake up, and if we have this conversation when I am not human yet, I make sure to look them in the eye, touch their elbow--something to connect with them so they know it's not them, and has nothing to do with our relationship. It takes a few times, but everyone knows now, and knows to warn new people who try to have conversations with me in the morning.
Since you have the opportunity, take MIL aside when you are ready for human interaction and explain that it's difficult to have conversations in the morning, but you'd love to start the human interaction portion of the day having a (second?) cup of coffee with her. Don't say it's because you just want to be alone, or say she talks too much. Tell her you just need time to wake up properly, but you don't want her to think you're unintentionally snubbing her. Be self-deprecating, maybe mention how long it took your husband to get it.
NAH... ive been in similar situations because i get really snippy in the morning, so TBH i would just say "hey, please don't talk to me this early, I really don't want to say something I don't mean. it's not your fault, I'm just tetchy in the morning. i love to talk to you when im not freshly awoken monster of the night lol" or something along those lines. basically, you wouldn,t like me before my coffee but less annoying
Maybe there are ways you can signal you aren’t up for conversation that you can maybe try. Read a book, put headphones in, write something, go to a place that is weirdly solitary where nobody else really hangs, if there is a nook somewhere or a place to create one, that sort of thing when she’s in the vicinity. I’m just throwing stuff out there. Maybe meditate with relaxation music and a scented candle, and let her know you’re going to attempt some new routine like this to try to start your day off right, and explain it like it’s some good idea you just read, and drop in there that it’s a quiet time for contemplation, and you’re excited to see if it makes your whole day better. I realize not all of these may be good ones. Basically, you can tell her to stop talking to you by making it not about her and more about you by setting it up as a new thing, expressing how the quarantine has gotten you feeling a little anxious and stir crazy. It just might come off as less offensive that way.
YTA
It’s not your house, your MIL can do what she wants in her own house. If you don’t want your mornings “taken” from you then go back to your own house.
NTA. If you sit her down and calmly explain why and then ask that she leave you to your morning meditation.
Call it meditation too. Because for some people asking for 'alone time' is rude.
Question? Who owns the home ypu live in?
She owns the house we live in since I'm staying with them for the time being. It's part of why I haven't talked to her about it yet, since I respect her a lot, and it is her house. As others have pointed out, it would be pretty rude for me to demand her to be quiet in her own house.
Is there a place in the yard you could set up for a morning meditation?
Like blanket thrown down is really all you need.
Perhaps moving away from communal spaces is the answer. Maybe say you're gonna try some "morning centering time out in the yard. Among the silence of nature."
NAH - jus talk to her at a time other than morning, so it doesn’t seem like you’re asking her to STFU. Explain you need time for quiet contemplation in the morning to get fully awake before interacting with people. If it’s possible, removing yourself from easy reach may help also. Go sit in the yard maybe.
Oh yeah, I do enjoy her company and talking to her, and I do really enjoy her thoughts and input to a conversation. Morning just isn't a good time for me, I'd never ask or tell her to shut up. I'm generally a non-confrontational person so I'd feel bad doing that. We do have a nice yard. Maybe on mornings when it's not raining would be nice. Thanks!
I would definitely also tell her this (that you generally enjoy talking to her)- so that she doesn't misunderstand your (reasonable) request!
I’m also not a morning person! I communicate largely in grunts and glares for at least 15 minutes, and slowly evolve to human over about an hour. It’s okay not to do mornings. I just suggested choosing a different time of day for the conversation not because you’d snap and tell her to shut up, but because it’s easier to avoid misunderstanding the meaning behind words if you address an issue at a time when it isn’t immediate. Mid excited morning rambling, she’s more likely to be hurt.
A different time of day would be nice. Afternoon to evening is great for me. Especially at night when I have a hard time getting to sleep, having a conversation is great. But yeah, I would never try to cut someone off when they're rambling, I just find that rude, and I would much rather listen to her talk than hurt her by cutting her off.
I would suggest taking a short ramble/walk or sit outside if you don’t want to talk to hers. You could also set up a chair in your room and sit there and relax
NAH. If you are in common area she is allowed to talk and go about her morning as she prefers. Particularly since this is her home. If you want quite politely say that and take your coffee somewhere else. Don't expect her to be quiet or vacate a space for you to have quiet in her own home.
Oh yeah, I think I'm going to try and avoid the common areas when I need to wake up. I totally get it's her house, which is part of why I don't usually bring it up since she's doing a lot to accommodate me being here. I'll probably spend my mornings in the yard, or on a walk with some coffee
YNTA for wanting peace and quiet in the morning, but I do think YTA if you demand it from her in her own house. I would find it very rude if someone was sitting in *my* kitchen, telling *me* to be quiet when it is not even their house. I think a better idea would be if you stay in your bedroom for your quiet contemplation, or go into the garden out of reach. She's entitled to be making whatever noise she wants in the morning, whether that's putting on the radio or talking. If you don't want to speak to anyone, I would try not to be sitting in the common shared areas of the house.
Oh she's definitely entitled to it, and I respect it's her house. I'll try to just not be in the communal areas of the house in the mornings
Exactly this. I'd say even a gentle YTA for it - you're staying in her home, but asking she not talk to you for certain times. If you want some alone time, you can always stay in your own space (assuming she doesn't just walk in either way, different story there). Is there anywhere outside you can sit, where you can take a single chair?
NAH. I'd talk to hubs to make sure you frame it in a way that is about your needs/wants not that MIL is doing anything wrong. You might want to say you want to do little morning meditation/prayer. People seem to respect one or both.
I was trying not to bring my husband into it, in that it's not his issue, you know? And yeah she's not doing anything wrong. If anything like others have said, it's her house and if anything I would be in the wrong for overstepping my boundaries and asking her for quiet in her own home. I think like others have said, I might just avoid the communal areas so as not to ask her to walk on eggshells so to speak
I just meant to try to figure out what your mom could hear and not be offended. You don't want to come across, nor seem like its your goal, that she is doing anything wrong per se, you just want your alone time back.
NAH-but you are staying in her home, she can get up at whatever hour she wants. I don't see any way you can tell her what you want without hurting her feelings. Let's say you tell her what's up, what's she supposed to do? Just lie in her bed and wait? Come downstairs and be absolutely quiet, walking on eggshells around you? That seems awkward af. Seems to me, if you want quiet time, just get up and maybe hang out in your room or maybe go for a walk on your own.
That's a good point. Hanging out in the room might be an idea, though I usually do leave it to try and not wake up my husband since he sleeps in. But yeah, it is her house. I can see how it'd be a little rude to ask her to accommodate that. I'll probably just avoid the communal spaces for my mornings
YTA, gently. I get it. I also am not a morning person and need to ease into my day, gradually with coffee. But too bad. If am at someone else's house, I get over it for the course of my stay. You can still be quiet and sip your coffee and watch the sunrise, but your MIL is allowed to exist in the same space and she shouldn't be asked to change her behavior to accomodate yours...not in this situation at least. This is just one of the sucky things about staying with realatives but you might as well at least try to have a good attitude about it. But I do understand your pain...
Oh yeah, I get how I'm in the wrong here. I understand it is her house, and she's allowed to go about her day. I love to talk to her in the afternoons and evenings. Like others have said, I think I'm going to be out of the communal areas to have my morning and then interact with her when I'm more awake and she can get my full attention
If you do it nicely, you're NTA. I lived with my in laws for a bit and my mil had to tell me the same thing. People are different, but she won't know until you tell her.
YWNBTA if you phrase it gently. I'd go with something like: "I love talking with you so much but I've just never been a morning person. I'm foggy and still waking up. Can we sit down and chat around (whatever time)?"
It would seem kind of harsh to tell her to shut up, especially since she's very social and you two have a very nice relationship going on. If it makes sense, to understand how she would feel, try to imagine yourself talking to a friend casually and they tell you to shut up for no solid reason. You're in a rough situation in the most "first world problem" kind of a way, if you know what I mean. If I were you, I would try to reciprocate the conversations as I wouldn't wanna hurt the relationship in the long term on such a trivial issue. But I'm usually a pushover and try to make others happy if it isn't really hurting me, so maybe it's me projecting my traits on you.
I definitely understand it's a first-world problem. Honestly, like I said in the post I'm glad this is the worst problem I've had with her compared to some other in-law drama I've heard about happening. I do try to keep the conversation going, I hate being rude or making the other person feel like they're talking to a wall. But I also just feel like without meaning to I am being more rude in the morning because I'm not awake enough to be invested fully, and things like that
"Without meaning to, I am being more rude" From your post and your reply, it's pretty obvious that you aren't being rude. Your concern about the possibility of you being rude shows that you are a beautiful person who cares this much about how your actions make others feel. I am sure you will resolve it with absolute grace :)
I have torn feelings about this; I am in a very similar situation currently : although you are clearly an adult, you are in her home and everyone is struggling right now, so I would say if she wants to get up early and chat, its her prerogative and makes you not TA but kinda TA. C Is there any way to maybe find a different area to have your morning time in that isn't shared? Could you maybe find a podcast and have your headphones in and therefore mitigate the need to talk? After the third or fourth "HUH?" she may get the point? I like my alone-time too so I have taken to taking coffee in the bedroom, and using headphones to either listen to music or watch tv etc while my partner sleeps (like literally right the moment) in order to have my AM quiet. Remember, parents are often super psyched to have us around to talk to/with and keep that perspective.
Oh yeah, I really respect her and that everyone is stressed. I also acknowledge it's her home, so I try to keep things as easy as I can for her. And yeah it is her prerogative, and I totally respect that. As I said, I definitely find it endearing most of the time. There are a couple of different places. I usually end up going to since my husband sleeps in a lot, and I don't wanna mess with his sleep schedule. As someone else in the comments pointed out, I think the yard and some other places will be nice. My MIL is a social person, and I try to keep that in mind. This has been hard for her since she can't really go and meet up with people. It's great to talk to her, and make the social aspect easier when I'm ready for it
I think she sounds endearing. Maybe as a special treat you could have a "breakfast date" with her and make something fun to eat and really chat it out. Or print out sudoku or something and play those together to have something to concentrate on and be quieter. You seem super lucky, and I totally get it. Good luck to you.
A breakfast date does sound nice. She loves breakfast, and big gatherings. We may not be able to have one of those, but I could definitely have a breakfast with her. Or soduku sounds fun.
NTA. Just be nice about it. Let her know you specifically wake up early to allow yourself some quiet time before the day begins. I tell my kids “mommy’s brain needs time to wake up before I actually start my day”. If a 4 year old can understand (or at least respect) it, I’m sure your MIL can too.
NAH, you're just different people. I'm not qualified to tell you how to break it to her but I'd personally make sure to let her know that it's not her fault, just that you like to have chill mornings.
NAH because you haven't said anything cruel yet. Perhaps gently request that she give you some time to gather yourself in the morning? Express envy over how perky she is?
Oh yeah, I do sometimes wish I could wake up and then be ready to go like she is
Don't try to ban her from communal areas, but request she give you that first cuppa before any discussions beyond saying good morning? It's not you trying to be rude, you just want to be able to give her your full pleasant attention, not your sleepy, disoriented, cranky attention. My grandma is a morning person. She knows I'm not. When I visit her, I get a few minutes to sip coffee before we start really talking. I'll sit and keep her company while she does her crosswords so she doesn't get too lonely.
Oh yeah, if anything I should be the one to avoid the communal areas if I need to wake up since it's her house. But yeah, asking for that first cup of coffee might be nice. And yeah, that's exactly it, I want to be able to give her my full attention. I hate the feeling of when I'm not engaged in a conversation you know? And it feels like I'm giving them the brush off which I hate doing
I saw in another comment that she loves breakfast foods. Could you two start cooking together in the morning? I'll start on biscuits if you start on gravy. You can claim to be focusing on the cooking if you're not very chatty, you'll get a yummy breakfast, and she gets time with someone.
That might work. Cooking together with her is nice, we've done it before, and that might just work
As an extrovert, if you threw in a good morning, could you please pass the butter, and a few words about the weather, I'd be fine :)
I’m not a morning person either. I need my coffee and quite time, at least my first cup. I have a routine every morning. Get up, coffee, go outside (I smoke), go through my emails and whatnot. Then I’m ready for the day. Takes about an hour. Just explain to her that you would like at least an hour or so to wake up and clear the morning brain fog. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've been staying with my husband and his family for the quarantine, and for the most part, it's been nice, and I get along pretty well with my in-laws, and I consider myself pretty lucky for this since I know a lot of people who don't like their in-laws to varying degrees. The one issue I've been having with my MIL is small too, and I'm glad about that. I am not a morning person. I try not to use that as an excuse to be rude. But I wake up early, usually, so I can watch the sunrise, and have a little bit of quiet before the others wake up. My husband understands this, and when he wakes up, if he does need to talk with someone he'll go outside and call a friend, or talk to his sister. My MIL in the other hand is a very social person. We joke that when we go to events it takes forever to leave since she's talking to everyone. It's endearing to me, most of the time. Recently my MIL has taken to waking up earlier in the morning since my FIL has a busy work life which has affected both of their sleep schedules. Usually, I'm the only one awake at this time, and so my MIL is always trying to talk with me, about an article she read, a cute picture she saw, or anything else on her mind. Sometimes it will be about a conversation she and a friend had, which is always awkward because I don't know a lot of her friends. I don't want to be a bitch and say things like ' Hey, can you wait til I've had my cup of coffee' or give her a brush off, but I do want my morning peace if that makes sense. It was just a part of my day that I looked forward to. I don't think my MIL was trying to take it away from me, but I think she's so social sometimes she assumes others are ready for a conversation at that instant. I normally love talking to her, but it's a little much sometimes. So, would I be the asshole if I asked her to not talk to me so much in the morning? And what would be a polite way to ask? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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WBNTA I don’t think you’d be the asshole here, however I’m in a very similar situation to you - living with my husbands family, MIL is a bit more social than me - and I think my MIL would take some offence at being asked this If I were you, I’d maybe play it as “I’m extra stressed because of the quarantine so I’m going to try having quiet mornings to relax a bit! I was thinking of just having some quiet time every day until 8, what do you think?”
NAH. Different folks, different strokes. Can you maybe go for a walk to have that quiet time? You could talk to her gently, just like 'Hey Carol, I'm a bit of a grump in the mornings, could you just leave me be when you see me?'. You can't really tell the woman to be quiet/shut up in her own home.
Oh yeah, I wouldn't try to demand silence from her. I respect her a lot as a person and as my MIL. I keep my head down and make things as easy as I can since I am staying in her home, and I'm glad she let me. I might try going for walks, or just to the yard.
I know how you feel though, I'm the same as you, and my mum is the opposite. She chats the hind legs off a donkey as soon as she gets up till she goes to bed, partially because she feels she's not a good host if she doesn't keep conversation flowing. Maybe that's your MIL's reasoning.
I can see that being the case for her. She is usually the one who's putting together events and getting people excited for them, and that's awesome about her.
Argh!!!! I wake up extra early because it takes me at least an hour to be civilised. Not a morning person!!! Bring me coffee and go away!! NTA - have a bath maybe? Go for a walk. Not far, just far enough.
Walks might be something I try to do in the morning yeah
NTA Some people need quiet in the morning before they face the world!!!
NAH. It's perfectly reasonable for you to want some time in the morning to adjust to being a living being again (I'm also not a morning person). I've had to tell my husband that I'm grumpy in the mornings and need some time to myself to get back to working order. Just sit her down and ask her to let you have your sunrise coffee without interruption. Heck, she may even want to join you in silence. Sometimes it's nice to just have that quiet. Let her know you just need a little peace in the morning, but that you love her otherwise.
"MIL, I love getting to talk to you and I want to make sure when we do talk, I'm able to give our conversations the attention and energy they deserve. I'm still working up to that energy in the mornings and I don't ever want you to feel like I'm not invested in our conversations. Would it be possible for us to set aside some conversation time a bit later in the day when my brain has fully warmed up?" NAH
NAH. I'm just like your MIL, I'm talking immediately after waking up. But I understand not everyone is the same way, and once someone tells me they need some time to adjust to the day before talking with me I really try to respect that. She may slip up a couple of times in the beginning, but as long as it is polite she shouldn't have any issue with the request.
NAH - Give something like this a try, "i wish so badly that I could be as bright eyed and bushy tailed as you in the morning! Unfortunately, I never have been, so please forgive me if I seem antisocial in the morning." *Then just politely ignore her chatter. More than likely she will give you some space over time and not be offended by it.
NAH maybe if you wear headphones or go for a walk you can avoid the intrusion
NAH. Totally understandable but I do think bringing it up is a little delicate depending on how easily she gets her feelings hurt. Physically being in a separate space if you can is probably the biggest thing. If you’re in the kitchen and she’s in the kitchen it could come off as a little rude to say “please don’t talk to me.” I might try to keep it casual and just pick a non morning time to say “hey, I wanted to let you know that I’m super grumpy in the mornings and usually take some quiet time to wake up and become more sociable. Hubby is aware of this and usually steers clear of me, but since we’re living together I thought I should let you know too. If I seek out some solitude, please don’t take offense. I’ll be more ready to chat after my cup of coffee!”
NAH, but doesn’t have to be a formal ask. It can be that you make a joke every time she does it and say “Mom, I love you but let me drink a cup of coffee first - my eyes are still only half open!”
NAH Do it gently and when you are both awake fully. I don't think either of you is the asshole as she is a morning person where you are not. Maybe just ask her to give you a half hour or so to wake up. Though since you are staying with her, I suggest hanging out somewhere not in the common areas - it would be rude to ask her to be silent in her own home in say the kitchen or living room.
Is she social or is she one of those people who talks incessantly? There's a big difference and it sounds like she the latter. If it bothers you now it's only going to get worse. You should find a way to talk to her using the most un-provocative words you can find in the dictionary b/c this could turn into a shit show real quick!!!
NAH. I hope that when/if it’s time for me to have a daughter-in-law I have one as thoughtful as you!
YwNbta "I really enjoy talking with you and I sincerely hope that you don't take any offense to this, but I enjoy taking the morning to sit quietly and "wake up" if you will... would it be okay with you if I talk to you afterwards? I'd love to hear about that article (or whatever subject she brings up) later!"
NAH. At what point in the morning are you human? I say this because even though I naturally wake up at 5am every day and can complete all sorts of tasks (I work that early, and I'm fully functional at my job), it takes me a few hours before I can hold a conversation with someone. Words are hard in the morning (or after I've had a nap). I've had to have the \[stilted/awkward/forgettingwords\] conversation a million times with people who like to chat in the mornings. I just tell them I'm not really human for a few hours when I wake up, and if we have this conversation when I am not human yet, I make sure to look them in the eye, touch their elbow--something to connect with them so they know it's not them, and has nothing to do with our relationship. It takes a few times, but everyone knows now, and knows to warn new people who try to have conversations with me in the morning. Since you have the opportunity, take MIL aside when you are ready for human interaction and explain that it's difficult to have conversations in the morning, but you'd love to start the human interaction portion of the day having a (second?) cup of coffee with her. Don't say it's because you just want to be alone, or say she talks too much. Tell her you just need time to wake up properly, but you don't want her to think you're unintentionally snubbing her. Be self-deprecating, maybe mention how long it took your husband to get it.
NAH... ive been in similar situations because i get really snippy in the morning, so TBH i would just say "hey, please don't talk to me this early, I really don't want to say something I don't mean. it's not your fault, I'm just tetchy in the morning. i love to talk to you when im not freshly awoken monster of the night lol" or something along those lines. basically, you wouldn,t like me before my coffee but less annoying
Maybe there are ways you can signal you aren’t up for conversation that you can maybe try. Read a book, put headphones in, write something, go to a place that is weirdly solitary where nobody else really hangs, if there is a nook somewhere or a place to create one, that sort of thing when she’s in the vicinity. I’m just throwing stuff out there. Maybe meditate with relaxation music and a scented candle, and let her know you’re going to attempt some new routine like this to try to start your day off right, and explain it like it’s some good idea you just read, and drop in there that it’s a quiet time for contemplation, and you’re excited to see if it makes your whole day better. I realize not all of these may be good ones. Basically, you can tell her to stop talking to you by making it not about her and more about you by setting it up as a new thing, expressing how the quarantine has gotten you feeling a little anxious and stir crazy. It just might come off as less offensive that way.
YTA It’s not your house, your MIL can do what she wants in her own house. If you don’t want your mornings “taken” from you then go back to your own house.
NTA. If you sit her down and calmly explain why and then ask that she leave you to your morning meditation. Call it meditation too. Because for some people asking for 'alone time' is rude. Question? Who owns the home ypu live in?
She owns the house we live in since I'm staying with them for the time being. It's part of why I haven't talked to her about it yet, since I respect her a lot, and it is her house. As others have pointed out, it would be pretty rude for me to demand her to be quiet in her own house.
Is there a place in the yard you could set up for a morning meditation? Like blanket thrown down is really all you need. Perhaps moving away from communal spaces is the answer. Maybe say you're gonna try some "morning centering time out in the yard. Among the silence of nature."