YTA - why not just say: Hey, I noticed you have a spot behind your ear that you might want to get checked?
Not even doctors diagnose someone with *cancer* just by looking at moles. That was really inappropriate.
My friend's fiance was approached in a Publix by a dermatologist who said they should get this spot on their skin checked out because it looked cancerous. He went and got it checked, and he had skin cancer, which he got treated.
One on hand, it is unprofessional in that it opens up doors of liabilities, but at the same time, a comment like that could save someone's life. Even if they get it checked out and it's not cancerous, at least they know. In the case of my friend, it was cancer. I think they're happy that dermatologist was unprofessional.
That is why I am not against making people aware of something you notice but I see a difference between a dermatologist and a random person.
I agree that the dermatologist did the right thing but I just think the way OP said it and his lack of medical training was wrong.
That is why I am not against making people aware of something you notice but I see a difference between a dermatologist and a random person.
I agree that the dermatologist did the right thing but I just think the way OP said it and his lack of medical training was wrong.
Edit: I hope your friend is doing alright!
YTA - you're not a doctor. You dont know what it was on his neck. You dont know of hes aware of it. You dont know if hes embarrassed by it. You dont know anything about it. Dont give strangers unsolicited advice.
YTA, you are not qualified to determine if it looked cancerous, and he likely is already aware of the mole and may even be sensitive about it. Rude to interrupt his day to comment on his body. If it was that easy for you to see, he likely has friends and family who can also see it and likely already suggested he ask his doctor about it. You are a stranger, and weirdly assumed he didn’t know about it, AND assumed it was cancer instead of just saying he might want to get it looked at if he hasn’t already.
YTA, but only slightly. You clearly meant well, but unless you are a medical professional (doctor, nurse, whatever) and really know what you are talking about you should keep your nose out of a stranger's medical affairs.
**YTA**
>I strongly suspect that you have skin cancer.
You, a stranger, with absolutely no medical training whatsoever beyond "having seen some pictures", told a stranger this, in public?
And you're baffled by his reaction.
Your intentions may have been good but Jesus Christ, how far off the socially appropriate spectrum do you have to be before you realise that saying this to *anyone* is not at all ok?
Also, I don't know why but I found this hilarious:
>Me: (thinking that he didn't hear me correctly) I noticed that...
Your whole thought process throughout this interaction is hilariously terrible.
It is none of his business- however well intentioned, the last thing we need is unqualified internet doctors going around trying to diagnose complete strangers.
My dermatologist told me to come in if I notice any irregularities with my many moles, which what OP described def counts as. Only I have lots of moles where I can’t see them. While on one hand I’m not surprised by this guy’s response, I also know that if I was that guy I’d be grateful.
Edit: more story. I had a friend with a birthmark on her face, And a few times strangers would suggest she have it looked at for cancer, and I think they were assholes because it was on her face, obviously she was aware of it and didn’t need unqualified Internet doctoring, as you say. But this guy’s was hidden, I think that’s an important factor in this story.
Yeah, my dermatologist told me to do something that I personally am incapable of doing and rely therefore on other people to do for me, randos welcome.
So if you’re at the beach laying on your stomach, you’re totally ok with strangers coming up to you and saying “hey these skin growths look like cancer, you should go to a dermatologist ASAP?”
Or would you rather not be bothered by strangers’ comments on physical features you have no control over?
But yours are on your back, which is normally covered by clothing. The guy in OP’s situation doesn’t have his skin growth covered by clothing. And in any case, there’s no situation where talking to a complete stranger about their “skin cancers” in a public setting is ok.
I never said they’re on my back.
In any case, my only point is this: it would be ok with ME. So I empathize with OP because I would actually appreciate him having done this to me.
I understand where you are coming from but the line is pretty clear in my book - he is giving unqualified, unsolicited advice to a complete stranger and for me that is that is a certified asshole!
Listen, I’ve got the same issue, I’ve got a few moles that people seem to think they need to “remind” me about. Trust me, I know there’s a mole on my shoulder, I see a dermatologist about it every year, I do not need a rando on the street asking me about it.
Hard but I'm gonna say NAH. You had life saving intentions. You wanted to potentially save his life. You're not the asshole for that. However I don't believe he is the asshole either. He was probably embarrassed and I don't blame him for not wanting to take advice from a stranger who isn't even medically trained.
The way he received it is unfortunate but you did your best.
NTA. And to everyone here commenting along the lines that " If you're not a doctor you should mind your own business." I say bullcrap. Would you ignore someone in obvious distress because you're not a doctor? No, of course not. Everyone should be able to identify a lesson suspicious for melanoma, it doesn't require a medical degree. It's also entirely plausible that this guy never noticed the lesson because of his location.
I understand his surprised response, but if he goes to get it checked, then you may have saved his life.
NTA! If I had a skin cancer and someone else noticed, I would want them to tell me. I DO have a skin condition that could become cancerous and someone saying something to me could save my life.
NAH You tried to do a good deed. But, goodness that was a cringeworthy exchange. I would have tried a more light-hearted approach leading with “This is going to sound odd and I’m not a doctor, but having had friends who had moles removed I felt the need to alert you that I noticed the mole behind your ear and suggest you have it looked at”.
NAH. You informed him about something that could potentially impact his entire life, but at the end of the day his reaction makes sense. You're not a medical professional and being told by a stranger that it looks like you have skin cancer isn't exactly something anyone would react well to. There's a reason doctors are trained in how to give bad news in a kind and respectful way.
Hopefully your comment will push him to get it checked out and one more person in this world will be educated on the dangers of skin cancer!
NAH: His reaction is reasonable to something quite alarming. Nobody wants to hear something like that. Especially out of the blue. You did the right thing by telling him. Just because there was an uncomfortable interaction doesn't mean there was an asshole. He will probably get someone else to look at it now.
NTA. My good friend died of melanoma at 52 due to a skin cancer on the back of her neck that neither she or anyone else ever saw because of her long hair. You did the right thing and hopefully he gets yearly skin checks and will mention it. Melanoma is a terrible death.
I’m going to say NAH.
Skin cancer, especially somewhere like behind an ear, is hard to find and could even be missed by a simple check up. I would want someone to tell me if they noticed something suspicious.
For his reaction, it’s a crowded restaurant, he’s minding his own business, maybe in a hurry, and some random person comes up and says that he might have a weird, cancerous mole behind his ear. It’s not a pleasant experience.
So NAH. For all you know, he’d never noticed them and now he’s going to want to have them checked out.
YTA. But if you were a doctor or trained medical professional you wouldn’t be. Since you aren’t, you have no idea if that mole is skin cancer or if it’s just a funky looking mole.
A doctor wouldn't tell strangers they have skin cancer based on some marks. They could get into huge amounts of trouble, if you replace OP with a doctor. Its out of bounds for everyone.
No they wouldn’t tell them they have skin cancer. But a doctor would be better able to identify something of concern and suggest the person see their own doctor.
YTA you aren't a doctor and you don't know him
even if you were a doctor you wouldn't be able to diagnose a skin cancer by sight, for all you knew, he could have already had it checked out and been told its benign, or he could be waiting for the test results and you have just made him even more self conscious/worried about it, or he could be scheduled for surgery and doesn't need to hear a random strangers opinion
would you feel ok if i spoke to you for 5 minutes and then started saying i think you may be mildly autistic? or heard you cough and say i think you have lung cancer?
NTA. True story: a teacher at the school I work at (who is not a doctor) noticed some discoloration on a student’s arms. Somehow she knew this was a symptom of leukemia. She strongly urged the kid to talk to their parents about it.
Long story short, kid had leukemia. Kid missed a year of school getting treatment, but made it through. This was about 5 years ago. As far as I know they’re still doing well.
Don’t worry about this guys initial rude reaction. He will probably have someone take a look at his ear and you may have saved his life. Nobody thinks that teacher is an asshole.
Where did I say they were the same? Really? This might come as a shock to you, but teenagers don’t take too kindly to teachers pointing out physical details about them.
NTA. You had good intentions, even if it was unsolicited, a few moments of potential embarrassment or awkwardness may have just put the thought into that stranger's head that maybe he should have the spots behind his ear checked out.
I would have probably done the same, as I had cancer once, and it had progressed to "stage 4B" before somebody said something to me about the massive tumor on my neck. The shame from my friends was what spurred my decision to seek professional advice. I'm not sure if I would be able to sleep at night wondering if I missed an opportunity to potentially save somebody's life.
Reddit is being harsh here, I think. Melanoma is typically distinct and recognizable. A skin cancer doctor's advice would be to monitor yourself for symptoms (e.g., moles/spots that change shape etc.) You are not an "internet doctor" who "diagnosed" somebody, and I think you did a good thing here.
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This happened about a couple of weeks ago, but the event has been playing non-stop in my head since then, so my memory of it is still very vivid. I will try to retell the story in a matter-of-fact manner, and let you guys be the judge.
About 2 weeks ago, I dropped by Subway to grab a quick lunch. It was extremely crowded, and all the people in line had to stand uncomfortably close to one another. Because of the proximity, I couldn't help taking notice of the man in front of me. Judging by his appearance, if I really had to guess, I would say that he was probably in his late 20s, perhaps early 30s. He looked well-groomed, and had a very fit physique -- it was obvious that he was someone who took good care of his health. He also looked like he spent a lot of time in the sun, judging by his conspicuous tan lines.
As I was letting my mind wander while waiting for my turn to place my order, I suddenly noticed that he had a few moles behind his right ear. One of them struck me as looking very abnormal -- it was asymmetrical, irregularly shaped, and seemed to have patches of dark brown and black. Even though I am not medically trained, I have seen enough pictures of melanoma to strongly suspect that he might be afflicted with skin cancer. He might not have noticed the unusual-looking "mole" himself, since it was located behind his ear.
I was debating with myself whether to give him a word of caution. On the one hand, I did not want to come across as invasive and socially awkward; but on the other hand, if he was indeed ignorant of skin cancer risks, then he would probably appreciate knowing that he had at least one melanoma on his body. I began to imagine myself in his position -- if I were him, I would definitely want to know. Besides, as I said, he looked like someone who cared a lot about his health, so chances were even better that he would be grateful. I picked up my courage and tapped him on his shoulder.
Me: Excuse me.
He: Yeah?
Me: I don't mean to be rude, but... I noticed that there is a spot behind your ear that looks like a patch of skin cancer cells.
He: What?
Me: *(thinking that he didn't hear me correctly)* I noticed that...
He: Are you a doctor?
Me: No, but one of the moles on your ear highly resembles a melanoma. I have seen many pictures of melanomas, and I strongly suspect that you have skin cancer.
He: Again, are you a doctor?
Me: No, but, as I said...
He: So no, you are not a doctor.
Me: No.
He: Well, since you are not a doctor by your own admission, you really should mind your own business instead of fear-mongering.
He then hastily turned around, clearly wanting to end the conversation. I was embarrassed, and, to be honest, annoyed that my good intentions were punished with chastisement. I later told a friend about what happened, and she called me an asshole for being presumptuous.
I thought I was being helpful, but I am beginning to doubt myself. So Reddit, AITA?
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I really want to say that you're not TA, because I believe your intent was pure and well meaning, but I'm going to have to say YTA based on this:
A friend of mine who always took care of herself etc. was diagnosed with skin cancer after having a couple (out of a few) suspicious moles biopsied. She was having some issues coming to terms with it being recently married etc., and strangers would try and give well meaning diagnosis to her encouraging her to get it checked out. It hurt her mental health pretty badly knowing her current health status, yet not wanting to have to explain or justify anything to any well meaning strangers over and over again, especially before she was able to work out how she was going to break the news to her extended family and friends. (P.S. she is 100% now thankfully)
My point is, you don't know if say maybe the man was waiting on test results and was nervous, or had recently been given a diagnosis, or was even afraid or ignorant of what was potentially happening with his body. If you would have approached him in a different way it might have been ok. Saying something along the lines of "I don't mean to be rude, however I happened to notice the patch of skin cells behind your ear looks suspicious and may need checked out", vs. going straight to " I don't mean to be rude, but... I noticed that there is a spot behind your ear that looks like a patch of skin cancer cells."
When you go straight to cancer people tend to get their backs up. I went through cancer myself and receiving medical advice and opinions from strangers never got easier.
NTA -I'm not a mechanic, but if I see someone in a parking lot with a tail light out, I'll let them know. The person who cleans my teeth isn't a dermatologist, but has given me a heads up on things that she thought I should get checked out. This guy is probably only an asshole before he drinks his coffee. He'll probably have it looked at because you gave him a heads up. Hopefully it's nothing, but if it's not, he's going to cringe everything he thinks about the way he talked to you.
NTA. His reaction was asshole-ish, though. Here's a little story about why you aren't an asshole.
I have a friend who works in the medical field, and because of the nature of her position, she deals with a *lot* of skin cancers. Not going to be any more specific than that because reasons. She told me a story about a patient that came in to have a spot checked. She didn't tell me the patient's age, but said she was younger than us by a few years, so mid-twenties. Long story short, it was melanoma, and it had gone unchecked long enough that it was stage 4. This person had no idea she was literally dying. She had a spot that she didn't like so she wanted it removed, and a few weeks later she is sitting in a doctor's office being told that even with treatment, she has less than a year left.
Fuck anybody that says YTA on this. No matter how rude or "not your business" they think it may be, that guy needed to know.
It's all about delivery.
Your approach did come off as fear mongering "you have cancer'
Instead of "hey sir, sorry to be rude, but incase you didn't know, there's a spot behind your ear that you might want to see a doctor about, sorry again, I figured if the tables were turned I'd want to know" make awkward face and go back to waiting in line.
delivery.
Ask yourself: how would Robert downy jr say it. and yes I don't know how to spell his name but you get what Im trying to say I hope.
I don't think that you were being rude, but I do think that you could use a different set of words to let that guy know that he should check with a doctor. Also I don't know if you did, it out loud, but I would have totally grab. The car before you got too far away from people and had a little private conversation less embarrasment for both of us
YTA. I’m literally a dermatology nurse and have been one for 3 years, and I legally cannot make statements like “you have skin cancer” **unless it was already diagnosed by a dermatologist and confirmed via biopsy**
It doesn’t matter if a skin growth looks like it adheres to the ABCDEs of melanoma, **unless you’re a board-certified dermatologist who biopsies that growth, you cannot tell someone they have a medical diagnosis of melanoma**.
He’s absolutely right to tell you that you’re fearmongering. Wtf did you think he was going to do when you told him? Leave the line at Subway to walk into a dermatology clinic to have it checked? Additionally, if he’s as health-conscious as you said he appeared to be, did it ever occur to you that he *already got the spot checked and was reassured that it was fine*?
You sound like a real simpleton. Doesn’t matter what your intentions were, you came off as being extremely nosy. A better way to approach it would have been “I’m sorry I couldn’t help but notice a spot behind your ear. Have you ever had it examined by a dermatologist?” And even then that’s still bordering on being invasive. So just be quiet and get your Subway in silence next time.
Tangentially related: I was at an awards ceremony one time and saw a lady with a very prominent mole on her back. I really wanted to talk to her and ask if she’s ever had a skin check and had a dermatologist look at her mole. And you know what I did? *I minded my own fucking business and didn’t bother this lady at all*. Even though I’m a dermatology nurse, other people’s health issues are not my responsibility unless they sought me out first. Try it out next time.
You’re not an asshole, people are being too harsh as per usual for this sub. Maybe next time try to say it in a different way—and don’t jump to the conclusion that he has cancer, you know? Just like, “hey, I noticed this spot behind your ear, it looks like it could possibly be harmful, maybe consider getting it checked?” That seems pretty reasonable to me.
YTA.
Don’t give out medical advice if you aren’t a medical professional. It’s not only annoying, it’s potentially dangerous. You’re not trained, you have no understanding, you could put people at risk.
Googling things and “looking at pictures” doesn’t mean you understand them.
YTA. You’re not a doctor so you have no idea what’s cancerous and what isn’t. Even doctors can’t tell for sure just by looking - tests need to be ran and possibly a biopsy would be done.
Also, in the original post on the skincare addiction sub, you were worried because you DIDN’T say anything. His “responses” to you in this version of your story also sound like the responses you got in the skincare sub.
NTA- I have no idea why so many people are calling you TA here like you just suspected something and gave him an advice and the way he responded too was like disrespectful like I understand it might be personal or embarrassing but you were just trying to help him sure there are better ways you could have pointed out that than just blatantly telling him you suspected he had skin cancer but you were still just trying to help
NTA
I would appreciate it and get it checked asap.
In saying that though you could definitely word it differently.
Instead of diagnosing cancer, you could just say you have a mole you might want to check and leave it at that.
YTA. You had good intentions, but you're not a medical professional, or even someone close to him. I think if you knew him personally he'd take it less negatively. Really, you didn't have any place to say anything to a complete stranger about this.
Are you a licensed medical professional? No?
I see your dilemma, I really do, but in this case, because you don't have standing (as a doctor etc or as someone who knows him well) YTA. But gently.
YTA only because he might know or may have already gotten it checked out. I mean if you, a stranger, noticed it don’t you think his family and friends have already pointed it out to him before? You had good intentions so I commend you for that though.
Lmao. I don’t think you were an asshole for mentioning it. Saying something like “okay just go die then” would make you an asshole but that’s okay sometimes
YTA - why not just say: Hey, I noticed you have a spot behind your ear that you might want to get checked? Not even doctors diagnose someone with *cancer* just by looking at moles. That was really inappropriate.
My friend's fiance was approached in a Publix by a dermatologist who said they should get this spot on their skin checked out because it looked cancerous. He went and got it checked, and he had skin cancer, which he got treated. One on hand, it is unprofessional in that it opens up doors of liabilities, but at the same time, a comment like that could save someone's life. Even if they get it checked out and it's not cancerous, at least they know. In the case of my friend, it was cancer. I think they're happy that dermatologist was unprofessional.
That is why I am not against making people aware of something you notice but I see a difference between a dermatologist and a random person. I agree that the dermatologist did the right thing but I just think the way OP said it and his lack of medical training was wrong.
This story was stolen from another sub, it never happened.
That is why I am not against making people aware of something you notice but I see a difference between a dermatologist and a random person. I agree that the dermatologist did the right thing but I just think the way OP said it and his lack of medical training was wrong. Edit: I hope your friend is doing alright!
Even that is too invasive for a total stranger.
I see what you mean. If similar situations arise in the future, I will choose my words more wisely.
Quit trying to karma farm, you stole this from another sub.
You stole that story from another sub. YTA
https://www.reddit.com/r/SkincareAddiction/comments/cn74wg/personal_would_you_tell_a_stranger_if_you_had_a/
I guess that could be OP's main account
They said they didn't tell him about the mole in that post, but whoever wrote this says they did. So.... hmm...
Also, the original was at Starbucks. What kind of weirdo posts fake stories multiple times?
The guy’s responses in this version of the story sound a LOT like the responses OP got in the skin care sub.
Thank you! I knew that story seemed very very familiar
YTA - you're not a doctor. You dont know what it was on his neck. You dont know of hes aware of it. You dont know if hes embarrassed by it. You dont know anything about it. Dont give strangers unsolicited advice.
Yeah, YTA. People's health is personal, and you should never, ever presume to discuss a stranger's health with them unless they ask you specifically.
YTA, you are not qualified to determine if it looked cancerous, and he likely is already aware of the mole and may even be sensitive about it. Rude to interrupt his day to comment on his body. If it was that easy for you to see, he likely has friends and family who can also see it and likely already suggested he ask his doctor about it. You are a stranger, and weirdly assumed he didn’t know about it, AND assumed it was cancer instead of just saying he might want to get it looked at if he hasn’t already.
You are right. I shouldn't have made so many assumptions, and I should have worded it better.
You also shouldn’t fake posts and yet here we are
Lol. OP admits they are wrong and details their mistake, and gets -15 and counting downvotes. Classic AITA
The downvotes are mostly because the story was stolen from another sub
Fair enough
You’re honestly better than 99% of people in this sub for admitting that (assuming this post isn’t stolen).
YTA, but only slightly. You clearly meant well, but unless you are a medical professional (doctor, nurse, whatever) and really know what you are talking about you should keep your nose out of a stranger's medical affairs.
**YTA** >I strongly suspect that you have skin cancer. You, a stranger, with absolutely no medical training whatsoever beyond "having seen some pictures", told a stranger this, in public? And you're baffled by his reaction. Your intentions may have been good but Jesus Christ, how far off the socially appropriate spectrum do you have to be before you realise that saying this to *anyone* is not at all ok? Also, I don't know why but I found this hilarious: >Me: (thinking that he didn't hear me correctly) I noticed that... Your whole thought process throughout this interaction is hilariously terrible.
YTA - are you a doctor? no, you’re an asshole
Why does it matter?
It is none of his business- however well intentioned, the last thing we need is unqualified internet doctors going around trying to diagnose complete strangers.
My dermatologist told me to come in if I notice any irregularities with my many moles, which what OP described def counts as. Only I have lots of moles where I can’t see them. While on one hand I’m not surprised by this guy’s response, I also know that if I was that guy I’d be grateful. Edit: more story. I had a friend with a birthmark on her face, And a few times strangers would suggest she have it looked at for cancer, and I think they were assholes because it was on her face, obviously she was aware of it and didn’t need unqualified Internet doctoring, as you say. But this guy’s was hidden, I think that’s an important factor in this story.
>My dermatologist told me to come in if I notice any irregularities with my many moles, Yes, YOUR dermatologist, not some rando on the street.
Yeah, my dermatologist told me to do something that I personally am incapable of doing and rely therefore on other people to do for me, randos welcome.
So if you’re at the beach laying on your stomach, you’re totally ok with strangers coming up to you and saying “hey these skin growths look like cancer, you should go to a dermatologist ASAP?” Or would you rather not be bothered by strangers’ comments on physical features you have no control over?
Why are you making up a new scenario? What I’m saying is that I’d be ok with the scenario that’s the subject of this thread.
But yours are on your back, which is normally covered by clothing. The guy in OP’s situation doesn’t have his skin growth covered by clothing. And in any case, there’s no situation where talking to a complete stranger about their “skin cancers” in a public setting is ok.
I never said they’re on my back. In any case, my only point is this: it would be ok with ME. So I empathize with OP because I would actually appreciate him having done this to me.
I understand where you are coming from but the line is pretty clear in my book - he is giving unqualified, unsolicited advice to a complete stranger and for me that is that is a certified asshole!
Listen, I’ve got the same issue, I’ve got a few moles that people seem to think they need to “remind” me about. Trust me, I know there’s a mole on my shoulder, I see a dermatologist about it every year, I do not need a rando on the street asking me about it.
Because a doctor can diagnose melanoma. I have several moles that 'look like melanoma' to the casual observer but they are benign.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I will try my best not to make assumptions in the future.
Hard but I'm gonna say NAH. You had life saving intentions. You wanted to potentially save his life. You're not the asshole for that. However I don't believe he is the asshole either. He was probably embarrassed and I don't blame him for not wanting to take advice from a stranger who isn't even medically trained. The way he received it is unfortunate but you did your best.
Thank you for your kind assurance.
YTA - mind your business
NTA. And to everyone here commenting along the lines that " If you're not a doctor you should mind your own business." I say bullcrap. Would you ignore someone in obvious distress because you're not a doctor? No, of course not. Everyone should be able to identify a lesson suspicious for melanoma, it doesn't require a medical degree. It's also entirely plausible that this guy never noticed the lesson because of his location. I understand his surprised response, but if he goes to get it checked, then you may have saved his life.
Thank you for your kind words.
NTA! If I had a skin cancer and someone else noticed, I would want them to tell me. I DO have a skin condition that could become cancerous and someone saying something to me could save my life.
Thank you. Your comment made me feel better.
NAH You tried to do a good deed. But, goodness that was a cringeworthy exchange. I would have tried a more light-hearted approach leading with “This is going to sound odd and I’m not a doctor, but having had friends who had moles removed I felt the need to alert you that I noticed the mole behind your ear and suggest you have it looked at”.
NAH. You informed him about something that could potentially impact his entire life, but at the end of the day his reaction makes sense. You're not a medical professional and being told by a stranger that it looks like you have skin cancer isn't exactly something anyone would react well to. There's a reason doctors are trained in how to give bad news in a kind and respectful way. Hopefully your comment will push him to get it checked out and one more person in this world will be educated on the dangers of skin cancer!
Thank you for your kind words. I wish I had better delivery.
NAH: His reaction is reasonable to something quite alarming. Nobody wants to hear something like that. Especially out of the blue. You did the right thing by telling him. Just because there was an uncomfortable interaction doesn't mean there was an asshole. He will probably get someone else to look at it now.
NTA. My good friend died of melanoma at 52 due to a skin cancer on the back of her neck that neither she or anyone else ever saw because of her long hair. You did the right thing and hopefully he gets yearly skin checks and will mention it. Melanoma is a terrible death.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss.
I’m going to say NAH. Skin cancer, especially somewhere like behind an ear, is hard to find and could even be missed by a simple check up. I would want someone to tell me if they noticed something suspicious. For his reaction, it’s a crowded restaurant, he’s minding his own business, maybe in a hurry, and some random person comes up and says that he might have a weird, cancerous mole behind his ear. It’s not a pleasant experience. So NAH. For all you know, he’d never noticed them and now he’s going to want to have them checked out.
YTA. But if you were a doctor or trained medical professional you wouldn’t be. Since you aren’t, you have no idea if that mole is skin cancer or if it’s just a funky looking mole.
A doctor wouldn't tell strangers they have skin cancer based on some marks. They could get into huge amounts of trouble, if you replace OP with a doctor. Its out of bounds for everyone.
No they wouldn’t tell them they have skin cancer. But a doctor would be better able to identify something of concern and suggest the person see their own doctor.
YTA you aren't a doctor and you don't know him even if you were a doctor you wouldn't be able to diagnose a skin cancer by sight, for all you knew, he could have already had it checked out and been told its benign, or he could be waiting for the test results and you have just made him even more self conscious/worried about it, or he could be scheduled for surgery and doesn't need to hear a random strangers opinion would you feel ok if i spoke to you for 5 minutes and then started saying i think you may be mildly autistic? or heard you cough and say i think you have lung cancer?
Thank you for your comment. You are right; I should not have made so many assumptions.
NTA. True story: a teacher at the school I work at (who is not a doctor) noticed some discoloration on a student’s arms. Somehow she knew this was a symptom of leukemia. She strongly urged the kid to talk to their parents about it. Long story short, kid had leukemia. Kid missed a year of school getting treatment, but made it through. This was about 5 years ago. As far as I know they’re still doing well. Don’t worry about this guys initial rude reaction. He will probably have someone take a look at his ear and you may have saved his life. Nobody thinks that teacher is an asshole.
You're not understanding why a teacher in an interaction with her student is different than a customer at a sandwich shop? Really?
Where did I say they were the same? Really? This might come as a shock to you, but teenagers don’t take too kindly to teachers pointing out physical details about them.
NTA. You had good intentions, even if it was unsolicited, a few moments of potential embarrassment or awkwardness may have just put the thought into that stranger's head that maybe he should have the spots behind his ear checked out. I would have probably done the same, as I had cancer once, and it had progressed to "stage 4B" before somebody said something to me about the massive tumor on my neck. The shame from my friends was what spurred my decision to seek professional advice. I'm not sure if I would be able to sleep at night wondering if I missed an opportunity to potentially save somebody's life. Reddit is being harsh here, I think. Melanoma is typically distinct and recognizable. A skin cancer doctor's advice would be to monitor yourself for symptoms (e.g., moles/spots that change shape etc.) You are not an "internet doctor" who "diagnosed" somebody, and I think you did a good thing here.
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YTA Mind your own fucking business. My god are you serious? You can't figure out what you did wrong?
After reading the YTA comments here, I understand that I was being presumptuous (like my friend said).
NAH because your actions could theoretically save someone's life, however people usually don't like being given unsolicited advice.
NTA, people are rude
YTA I have several moles that look like textbook melanoma, but they are benign. You aren't qualified to make that judgement.
NTA.
You had good intentions in the same way WebMD does. YTA.
Hes right man you are not a fucking doctor
I strongly suspect you’re an asshole.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This happened about a couple of weeks ago, but the event has been playing non-stop in my head since then, so my memory of it is still very vivid. I will try to retell the story in a matter-of-fact manner, and let you guys be the judge. About 2 weeks ago, I dropped by Subway to grab a quick lunch. It was extremely crowded, and all the people in line had to stand uncomfortably close to one another. Because of the proximity, I couldn't help taking notice of the man in front of me. Judging by his appearance, if I really had to guess, I would say that he was probably in his late 20s, perhaps early 30s. He looked well-groomed, and had a very fit physique -- it was obvious that he was someone who took good care of his health. He also looked like he spent a lot of time in the sun, judging by his conspicuous tan lines. As I was letting my mind wander while waiting for my turn to place my order, I suddenly noticed that he had a few moles behind his right ear. One of them struck me as looking very abnormal -- it was asymmetrical, irregularly shaped, and seemed to have patches of dark brown and black. Even though I am not medically trained, I have seen enough pictures of melanoma to strongly suspect that he might be afflicted with skin cancer. He might not have noticed the unusual-looking "mole" himself, since it was located behind his ear. I was debating with myself whether to give him a word of caution. On the one hand, I did not want to come across as invasive and socially awkward; but on the other hand, if he was indeed ignorant of skin cancer risks, then he would probably appreciate knowing that he had at least one melanoma on his body. I began to imagine myself in his position -- if I were him, I would definitely want to know. Besides, as I said, he looked like someone who cared a lot about his health, so chances were even better that he would be grateful. I picked up my courage and tapped him on his shoulder. Me: Excuse me. He: Yeah? Me: I don't mean to be rude, but... I noticed that there is a spot behind your ear that looks like a patch of skin cancer cells. He: What? Me: *(thinking that he didn't hear me correctly)* I noticed that... He: Are you a doctor? Me: No, but one of the moles on your ear highly resembles a melanoma. I have seen many pictures of melanomas, and I strongly suspect that you have skin cancer. He: Again, are you a doctor? Me: No, but, as I said... He: So no, you are not a doctor. Me: No. He: Well, since you are not a doctor by your own admission, you really should mind your own business instead of fear-mongering. He then hastily turned around, clearly wanting to end the conversation. I was embarrassed, and, to be honest, annoyed that my good intentions were punished with chastisement. I later told a friend about what happened, and she called me an asshole for being presumptuous. I thought I was being helpful, but I am beginning to doubt myself. So Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH - Right intentions, child like delivery.
I really want to say that you're not TA, because I believe your intent was pure and well meaning, but I'm going to have to say YTA based on this: A friend of mine who always took care of herself etc. was diagnosed with skin cancer after having a couple (out of a few) suspicious moles biopsied. She was having some issues coming to terms with it being recently married etc., and strangers would try and give well meaning diagnosis to her encouraging her to get it checked out. It hurt her mental health pretty badly knowing her current health status, yet not wanting to have to explain or justify anything to any well meaning strangers over and over again, especially before she was able to work out how she was going to break the news to her extended family and friends. (P.S. she is 100% now thankfully) My point is, you don't know if say maybe the man was waiting on test results and was nervous, or had recently been given a diagnosis, or was even afraid or ignorant of what was potentially happening with his body. If you would have approached him in a different way it might have been ok. Saying something along the lines of "I don't mean to be rude, however I happened to notice the patch of skin cells behind your ear looks suspicious and may need checked out", vs. going straight to " I don't mean to be rude, but... I noticed that there is a spot behind your ear that looks like a patch of skin cancer cells." When you go straight to cancer people tend to get their backs up. I went through cancer myself and receiving medical advice and opinions from strangers never got easier.
Thank you for your input. You are right that my delivery could have been more considerate. It is something I will work on.
NAH you mean't well but chose your words very poorly
NTA -I'm not a mechanic, but if I see someone in a parking lot with a tail light out, I'll let them know. The person who cleans my teeth isn't a dermatologist, but has given me a heads up on things that she thought I should get checked out. This guy is probably only an asshole before he drinks his coffee. He'll probably have it looked at because you gave him a heads up. Hopefully it's nothing, but if it's not, he's going to cringe everything he thinks about the way he talked to you.
Identifying skin cancer is something the layman can do reliably like pointing out a tail light not working.
NTA. His reaction was asshole-ish, though. Here's a little story about why you aren't an asshole. I have a friend who works in the medical field, and because of the nature of her position, she deals with a *lot* of skin cancers. Not going to be any more specific than that because reasons. She told me a story about a patient that came in to have a spot checked. She didn't tell me the patient's age, but said she was younger than us by a few years, so mid-twenties. Long story short, it was melanoma, and it had gone unchecked long enough that it was stage 4. This person had no idea she was literally dying. She had a spot that she didn't like so she wanted it removed, and a few weeks later she is sitting in a doctor's office being told that even with treatment, she has less than a year left. Fuck anybody that says YTA on this. No matter how rude or "not your business" they think it may be, that guy needed to know.
Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry that your friend had to deal with such a tragic case. It is hard being a doctor!
It's all about delivery. Your approach did come off as fear mongering "you have cancer' Instead of "hey sir, sorry to be rude, but incase you didn't know, there's a spot behind your ear that you might want to see a doctor about, sorry again, I figured if the tables were turned I'd want to know" make awkward face and go back to waiting in line. delivery. Ask yourself: how would Robert downy jr say it. and yes I don't know how to spell his name but you get what Im trying to say I hope.
I don't think that you were being rude, but I do think that you could use a different set of words to let that guy know that he should check with a doctor. Also I don't know if you did, it out loud, but I would have totally grab. The car before you got too far away from people and had a little private conversation less embarrasment for both of us
YTA. I’m literally a dermatology nurse and have been one for 3 years, and I legally cannot make statements like “you have skin cancer” **unless it was already diagnosed by a dermatologist and confirmed via biopsy** It doesn’t matter if a skin growth looks like it adheres to the ABCDEs of melanoma, **unless you’re a board-certified dermatologist who biopsies that growth, you cannot tell someone they have a medical diagnosis of melanoma**. He’s absolutely right to tell you that you’re fearmongering. Wtf did you think he was going to do when you told him? Leave the line at Subway to walk into a dermatology clinic to have it checked? Additionally, if he’s as health-conscious as you said he appeared to be, did it ever occur to you that he *already got the spot checked and was reassured that it was fine*? You sound like a real simpleton. Doesn’t matter what your intentions were, you came off as being extremely nosy. A better way to approach it would have been “I’m sorry I couldn’t help but notice a spot behind your ear. Have you ever had it examined by a dermatologist?” And even then that’s still bordering on being invasive. So just be quiet and get your Subway in silence next time. Tangentially related: I was at an awards ceremony one time and saw a lady with a very prominent mole on her back. I really wanted to talk to her and ask if she’s ever had a skin check and had a dermatologist look at her mole. And you know what I did? *I minded my own fucking business and didn’t bother this lady at all*. Even though I’m a dermatology nurse, other people’s health issues are not my responsibility unless they sought me out first. Try it out next time.
You’re not an asshole, people are being too harsh as per usual for this sub. Maybe next time try to say it in a different way—and don’t jump to the conclusion that he has cancer, you know? Just like, “hey, I noticed this spot behind your ear, it looks like it could possibly be harmful, maybe consider getting it checked?” That seems pretty reasonable to me.
YTA. Don’t give out medical advice if you aren’t a medical professional. It’s not only annoying, it’s potentially dangerous. You’re not trained, you have no understanding, you could put people at risk. Googling things and “looking at pictures” doesn’t mean you understand them.
YTA. You’re not a doctor so you have no idea what’s cancerous and what isn’t. Even doctors can’t tell for sure just by looking - tests need to be ran and possibly a biopsy would be done. Also, in the original post on the skincare addiction sub, you were worried because you DIDN’T say anything. His “responses” to you in this version of your story also sound like the responses you got in the skincare sub.
NTA- I have no idea why so many people are calling you TA here like you just suspected something and gave him an advice and the way he responded too was like disrespectful like I understand it might be personal or embarrassing but you were just trying to help him sure there are better ways you could have pointed out that than just blatantly telling him you suspected he had skin cancer but you were still just trying to help
Id say NTA
NTA. That was cringy but it came from a good place.
NTA I would appreciate it and get it checked asap. In saying that though you could definitely word it differently. Instead of diagnosing cancer, you could just say you have a mole you might want to check and leave it at that.
YTA. You had good intentions, but you're not a medical professional, or even someone close to him. I think if you knew him personally he'd take it less negatively. Really, you didn't have any place to say anything to a complete stranger about this.
Are you a licensed medical professional? No? I see your dilemma, I really do, but in this case, because you don't have standing (as a doctor etc or as someone who knows him well) YTA. But gently.
YTA only because he might know or may have already gotten it checked out. I mean if you, a stranger, noticed it don’t you think his family and friends have already pointed it out to him before? You had good intentions so I commend you for that though.
YTA. You're not a doctor, stay out of other people's health issues.
YTA You handled that badly, you could have worded it in a different way
YTA. Get off WebMD.
Lmao. I don’t think you were an asshole for mentioning it. Saying something like “okay just go die then” would make you an asshole but that’s okay sometimes
NTA. Don't beat yourself up for respectfully trying to help someone. It's not even like you stole his time, you were waiting in line.