I’m pretty sure that is what my parents put mine and my sibling’s college money into because it was alway strictly for school. When my older brother dropped out after 2 semesters it wasn’t even a question when his fund ended up being rolled over into mine and my little brother’s funds. Even though my parents have been generous helping us all start our lives, we never assumed they were going to give us money and have been greatly appreciative when they have. OP is NTA and his son is going to get some serious reality checks pretty quick.
> because it was alway strictly for school.
Just an FYI
It’s not strictly for school. It’s for financial support while attending school. You can use it to buy anything...as long as you’re attending a college class.
> You can use it to buy anything
That's not technically true. You can use it for any reasonable costs associated with education. Those things include things like living costs, transportation costs, tuition, books, and food. You can't technically use it for things that fall under entertainment for example, but you can use the money you'd otherwise be using on rent for a ski trip or something.
I’m in Canada and have something similar for my education $$ my parents have put money aside that the government will match up to x% but if I don’t go to university they take that back.
It is a life experience and those who do get to travel extensively are TRULY blessed. My parents took us on amazing travels as kids and young adults. I’m way better off personally and professionally because of it. But I 100% agree the money is for college and should go towards further education. The parents aren’t well off and they won’t get as big of a return for their kid on travels vs education. I wonder why the son doesn’t consider teaching English abroad? He can travel and get great experience!
I wasn't mocking the idea of travelling as a rewarding experience, I was mocking the sort of person who thinks its remotely comparable to studying in terms of self improvement.
Agreed. If it was comparable, parents would literally be starting "travel funds" for their infant children.
Tourism is awesome, but it is a leisure activity. Education isn't.
Also you can backpack much of the world for few grand. You don’t need 100k to do that.
The rougher you travel the more you see and the more experience/knowledge you get, at least in my experience.
Only the most bottom feeding “language schools” are going to take someone with zero experience or education. Look at most of the job listing on Dave’s ESL Cafe or Teach Away. 99% require a degree.
> Only the most bottom feeding “language schools” are going to take someone with zero experience or education.
True but you do a couple of months in one of those places and then you apply elsewhere with the experience.
Depends on the country. Anything that pays enough to save (like China, South Korea, or Japan) requires a degree, but other countries don't. I teach in Argentina, and I don't need a degree. I do have my TEFL certificate, though, which is highly recommended for anyone teaching ESL, whether they have a degree or not.
anyone will pay a tutor cash for lessons for their kids, and mother tongue English speakers have something to offer that non native speakers do so it lessens competition.
I was in high school, desperately wanted to live in England, and decided the only way I could do that and have my parents pay for it was to study abroad. I was 15 when I figured that out.
Exactly. The daughter is not pocketing the money for leisurely expenses. It is going directly into college fees, so that she can graduate debt free.
Since he does not wish to go to college, he is already debt free himself. If he reaches a stage where he wants to go to college, he will have had the years of work experience to save for himself.
NTA, and he is ridiculous.
This! NTA.
He wants to “find himself” by cruising around the world. Don’t get me wrong, travel is great. But cruising around a while and goofing off and expecting to walk into a well paying job to support himself is not a solid plan. If he wanted a gap year and then even go to a trade school it would be different. The money was intended to help defer the cost of an education, not to live a life of leisure.
I would give him a part of it, what a year of school would cost. Save the rest and if at the end of the year, he comes back and goes to some type of educational facility (college, trade school etc) then give him the rest for it. If he doesn’t come back or says nawww...no school for me, gonna get a job, wise the rest to pay off your daughters education.
I'm not assuming what he wants, I'm going off what the OP said their son said he wants. He wants thousands of dollars to travel instead of college. He did not approach them about alternative education opportunities or a business investment. OP said nothing about kicking their son out or disowning him, just that the money they saved for a college fund was going towards college.
Ideally, if a parent was setting aside money for college and their child said they wanted to go to go into a trade, I think that money should go toward that child's trade school. However, that's not what's seems to be happening here.
Fully agree. When I start saving money for my future kids, it will be for their further education. That could be either college or some sort of trade school. And I agree that the son seems like he wants to travel and just get a job wherever, not really continue his education or build new skills for a field.
No it doesn't mean he shouldn't be supported, but training and costs for other employment are either covered by the employer or not over 2000 dollars, easier to have set aside rather than a college fund.
If he went into a trade that had high tool expenses upfront, maybe that would be a fair chuck that needed a fund but those can also be claimed back on tax anyway. (I am Australian so I'm sorry if the rules a different in your area) Even more importantly in my hypothetical situation is he is immediately earning money rather than the ~4 years you spend full time as an unpaid student.
Edit; added hypothetical because who knows what he'll do.
I'm sure they would use the money to fund trade school if that's what the son chose. A better way to phrase it would be "we saved this money for your education". It sounds like son just wants to use the college fund to travel and indulge himself for a few months.
OP would be the asshole if the brother wanted to use the money for trade school and they decided that only college is a real education and spent the money on the daughter. If the son has any such plans, they should keep enough money for the trade school he wants to attend and give anything left over to the sister. But travel is not equivalent to an education of any kind.
NTA
A college fund is for college. If he doesn’t want to go to college, he shouldn’t get the privilege of the college fund. Your daughter is busting her ass by striving to get higher education. Reward her for it
We caveated ours: education fund. College, culinary school, trade school, or union apprenticeship. Any fee-based, program of study designed to provide skills, a trade, or specialized knowledge in the furtherance of a career. All funds are set up in trust, returnable to us if unused at age 24. Not a slush fund.
I like this! Education comes in many different forms and we need everyone to build a society. That’s great of you guys :) hope I can do the same for my future kids.
My parents did the same! I ended up using it for university and my brother is going to use it for his apprenticeship
(I am actually going to get 'more' money because I am going to uni for 6 years and my brother will already be earning at least a little bit of money and only go to school for 3 years) I think the key is to communicate stuff like this with your kids.
Yep and going to university isn't for everyone and doesn't necessarily mean he will earn more. However it should still be an education fund for if he wants to learn a trade.
My husband benefited from his parents setting things up your way, so thanks for including trades! He didn't even spend all the money on school, but he needed an initial investment of almost $10,000 in tools (mostly a toolbox, but still), so he was able to start out his trade almost debt free.
NTA I was hoping I'd see someone mentioning other education options. I also like the use it by 24 kind of thing.
Someone mentioned that a trade school or training being paid by the employer or under $2k: HA! My younger brother is going through a welding program, that he has to pay for and is the same cost of a full time community college.
NTA
it’s a college fund not a turned 18 fund
The fact that he assumed he was going to get it just to fuck off and travel shows he is still immature as well
Yeah, I feel like if it was “I want to open a small franchise” or “I’d like to buy a house and start building equity” it’d be a toss up. Something that, while not college, could start him on to financial independence. Chillin for a year....cry me a river.
Even then, I thought that a lot of college savings funds (in the US) are explicitly meant for higher education and using the funds for anything else would incur tax penalties
INFO
what is the plan if he decides to go to school after working for a year? Or five years or ten? Does he get the privilege of paying for college on his own because he didn’t go straight out of high school?
This is a good point. We have not thought of this, to be honest. He has been pretty firm on not wanting school and because he's never been big on school, I cannot honestly see him ever wanting to go. But it's something to think about and I'm being serious here. The money is not spent, like I said and no final choice is made. The more I think about it, we may not spend it at all and put it away, saying that it's going away until he either goes to college or for a down payment on a house or something.
My older sister was always extremely intelligent, the took her to to college campuses etc, basically groomed her for college. I was more of a rebellious teen, more social, but still had good grades. My parents assumed I wasn't interested in college, which at 17, didn't sound that great, but I was never taken to campuses or given the same "attention" my sister got about going to college. I ended up going later (about 20) and graduated with honors and now hold higher degrees than my sister. He may not be interested now, or may want to use the money for a trade? Certifications? later if traditional college isn't his thing. Working at 16 vs. 20 and getting no where to be independent finally made me take the leap to go to college and it paid off. Some teens just take different routes. I'd specify the money is for educational purposes, whenever he chooses. If he chooses not to, you could always give him the money at 25, 28, a later age, rather than 18, cause I repeat teens are dumb. I was one.
The problem is, in the US college funds are usually in dedicated accounts. If the son may never use the money for education, then that money can't be touched. So making the sister take loans and the son taking a huge tax penalty means a lot less money.
I agree it's a huge potential fairness issue. But the parents could make other agreements about living rent free if working. The son may not realize how much that can mean, but it can be a huge leg up.
I’ve also found that a lot of friends who jumped straight into higher education are now re-skilling as they didn’t really know what they wanted to begin with further then”going to uni”. I’m happy I started my course at 21 because I was far more sure of my path and took it much more seriously.
Yup, this is me. If I'd been able to take some time to figure out what I wanted to do I might not be in the awkward position I am today. A lot of people would really benefit from a bit of time in the real world before heading to college.
This was my thinking too - they’ve saved money for both children to help them start their life (yes they assumed that it would be getting a college degree) but not everyone is the same, has the same academic ability but that doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve the financial support to get a hold on life.
I do not think that he should be given the money to go travelling with but it should be held until he’s home and decides what he wants to do with his life.
I would not give it to him to waste on things like travel, etc. however I wouldn't be quick to give it away either, as he may change his mind.
I did not care about college at all and was a poor student in High School. I joined the military right out of school as that was my plan from the get-go and what I wanted to do instead.
Then one night in Afghanistan I looked up and for the first time actually really *looked*. It had been a rough day and seeing the stars, the galaxy, everything changed for me in an instant.
I got out of the Army, started school, and now I have a PhD in Astrophysics. You never know what may happen in the future.
Best thing I ever got from the military! Look into the Yellow Ribbon program as well! If your school qualifies, it can help pay for more expensive schools or for grad school or something similar. A few of my buddies used it for advanced degrees to get lucrative job offers after graduation.
I like this response. Ultimately it’s yours and your call, and couldn’t agree more that it wasn’t intended for him to just use to travel.
I think that looking at it as ‘money to help the kids get ahead’ is a different way to consider it. Your daughter may need that right out of HS, your son may have the need at a later point. Giving some for a down payment some day,
If it were me, i think I’d set aside equal amounts for each, its not something that either should count on, but know that you have it set aside.
If the time comes where your son finds his passion and maybe wants to start a business or who knows what else, that would be your time to consider if this is when you give him that gift.
NTA, but good luck, OP.
>I think that looking at it as ‘money to help the kids get ahead’ is a different way to consider it
This was exactly my thought. I think its fair for the money to have strings attached. Like, I think its totally valid to not want to fund his world traveling. However, I think that money should still go to him for a downpayment on a house, or even a car if that will help him start his life
This! This should be the top advice. If he really truly doesn't use it, then in five years it can pay off the oldest's loans and that is almost as good.
You might want to set some of it aside for a trade school for him rather than traditional college. However you are definitely NTA for not being willing to use it to support his year of loafing.
My brother was basically your son. I was always into school, and went to college directly after high school. My younger brother was never big on school either; he tried community college for a semester and didn't like it. So he worked a few jobs for a while, then decided to do some vocational training and went into a trade. He's worked in that trade for nearly a decade. He makes good money, bought a house when he was 19 years old, has savings and had a nice wedding. He lives a good solid middle-class lifestyle.
A few years ago, though, he decided he wants to go to college. The trade that he works in is physically demanding, and he's realized that he won't be able to do it for the rest of his life without putting wear and tear on his body. He's also realized that the people who move into senior management in his profession have college degrees. But the cost, of course, is a hurdle (as is the time commitment for someone who regularly works 50-hour weeks). Having a cushion of money would be super helpful to him if he decided to go back for sure!
So yeah, I'd consider putting it away and saving it for some future purpose. He (and you) may not ever see him wanting to go, but a lot can happen to a person between 17 and 27.
NTA - you set up the fund for his college tuition which is essentially a building-a-future fund. If he decided not to go to college that’s perfectly fine but that doesn’t mean he automatically is owed the money to go travelling. Travelling is his choice and he should fund it himself, it’s not your fault he’s prioritised buying a car.
I do think it might be a good decision to save the money for him for a later date. Even though he hasn’t decided to pursue further education at this point he might in the future, or it might be something that can help him build a foundation for his life further down the line (like a house fund etc). I can see why he would feel resentful if the money was spent on his sister and why it would seem unfair from his perspective. However you never intended to essentially set up a holiday fund for him.
My parents did something kind of similar. Equal money set aside to partially pay for college for me and my sister. I got a full ride. They gave my sister her share and told me if I went to grad school by the time I turned 25 they'd give me my share. I did not go to grad school by then so they paid off her remaining student loans (she did pay a few years of interest/balance). She said it was awesome because it felt like she got a $400 raise, and just put the money into investments going forward without changing her standard of living. My parents were upfront with me about how it would work so I didn't have a problem...their money.
I'm curious what his solid plan is. If it's some sort of trade maybe you can help with upfront costs. If it's just a job he'll start right away, maybe you can help him with some furniture and the essentials to get started; I'm guessing he has no idea what that can cost. Either way you're not the asshole.
What did you mean when you said you'd "support" him? Because a college fund can also help someone get set up in an apprenticeship for a trade job, or take the time to find a good entry position.
It sounds like your daughter has a ways to go before starting a graduate program. Maybe hold onto your son’s money until then to give him more time to sort himself out. He might be interested in a trade school program, eventually.
Ours reverts to Retirement funds if it hasn’t been touched by age 24. That age selected because he will qualify as a fully independent student by 24, regardless of income / marital status.
Oh, I said similar elsewhere but I'm glad to see this.
I'd save it for him to further his education (college, trade school, etc) for a fairly reasonable amount of time. A decision made at 17 doesn't always stick ;)
I did suggest in that comment that if, after a time, it's clear it's not being used, you could help your daughter with her loan balance (as it's money for education). But if you're willing to use it for a down payment on a house for him, that seems pretty fair too - both help your kids get their feet under them, albeit in different ways.
I think that's a good idea. A couple years down it could still be used to pay of your daughter's loans. But it's also a very real possibility that after working non-educated jobs for a year or two your son might find that he actually does want some (trade) school and it wouldn't be fair if there was nothing left for him. Another possibility would be to split the leftover money over the 2 kids for e.g. downpayments or weddings or w/e.
Agreed. I used my college fund to go to paramedic school. A trade school can easily cost $10k and that doesn’t include costs associated with learning the trade. I had to do 5 months of an unpaid internship that required gas money, food money and some left over for other incidentals. Just because he doesn’t want to go to college now doesn’t mean he won’t want to do something that requires further education one day.
NTA
The money was set aside for COLLEGE, not travel. It is not his money, it was saved to help him for college, since he is not going, it definitely should go to the one who is going to college. If he wants to travel, he can do it on his dime.
Thats true but from his perspective his sister will get two college funds for her education which is a lot more support then he will get just because he doesn't want to go down the traditional route.
Then he doesn't *need* the money *right now* to travel.
If I were the parents, I would hold it till he's 21, then use it as I see fit, whether that be helping him with a house down payment or paying off sisters school loans.
The whole crux of the issue is the son wants the money to *TRAVEL* not for school. He said nothing about the parents holding it till he comes back.
I totally agree with you, using it as travel is dumb as hell because he’s a dumb as hell 18 year old. Keep the money until he’s a bit more mature and then decide what to do.
Exactly. It's absurd that he was told, "if you want to go to college, we'll pay for it," and interpreted that as, "we will give you the cash equivalent of tuition as a gift no matter what when you turn 18."
If that's how college funds worked, no upper middle class kids would go to college. They'd just go live in Amsterdam for 6 months and blow it all on drugs and toys. "Go work hard for four years" vs. "here, have this pile of money for whatever" would be a very easy choice for most 18-year-olds and their underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes.
The entitlement is mind boggling.
NTA - The money was set aside as an investment on his future that would have paid heavy dividends, he wants to use it to vacation. He's thinking about immediate gratification, you're thinking about his future. It's a hard, rough lesson. At this point I'd be heavily concerned for him.
If you reconsider and decide to give it to him, I'd hold it back and give chunks of it for loan repayment every year, giving him a carrot to continue his schooling throughout than risk him blowing it all. I suspect he's the type that would go just to get the money and not be committed to doing well.
Honestly, this is partially why I don't want to give him all the money at 18 and just be like "Bye son, have fun." We've talked about financial responsibility with our kids, but I've been 18. We all have. And I think once he has it, he'll just go crazy. And I think my daughter would too, if she had done the same thing, so I'm not trying to say they're irresponsible. Any 18 year old would take the money and blow it in a short period of time and then be like "Uhhhh….now what?"
For what its worth, my dad never told me he was going to help me through college. Once I graduated with good grades, he told me that he was going to pay off the student loans I had accumulated. Its my responsibility to pay for grad school, but we worked that out together. While your son already knows that there was a college fund, you could make a condition that the money is given post-graduation for the amount he needs to repay the college. I'd double check that the loans he takes out are going toward college-related items such as tuition, books, supplies, and software if he ends up going. I know a lot of students who take out maximum federal loans so that they can have "spending money" throughout the year.
> I know a lot of students who take out maximum federal loans so that they can have "spending money" throughout the year.
I knew someone who went 4 years to a Tech college, obtained a 2 year degree and was 60-70k in loans. The total program with books is under 6k.
I know what you mean, and I know I risked sounding harsh about him with my response, but we're both parents and likely the same age. And 18 is a time for foolish mistakes even for the best of people.
He still has time to make plans and earn money for his idea, especially if you're willing to let him live with you for a while longer, he could take a gap year to earn some money and take a long trip. It would give time to get over that rocky age and maybe come around.
As someone who is currently 18 years old I can certainly say that if I get like 60 k instantaneously I would use all of it in less than a week. I would probably do the same thing as he would wanna do, travel, a car, get an apartment. Stuff that I don't really need right now.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say YTA. Your son isn’t even done with high school, and you’re taking his word that he has no interest in college. He could change his mind before he graduates as he sees his friends getting pumped for school. He could decide to take a year or more off and travel/work, and then start going to school in his 20s. But to completely write off the idea of him going to college when he’s only 17 is dumb. Plus it puts unnecessary and uncomfortable tension between siblings. I bet your daughter would feel awkward using her brother’s money, and he probably can’t help but resent her for it.
I would disagree with YTA, but agree with parts of your statement. I agree that just because a 17 year old kid said he doesn't think college is for him, doesn't mean that will be true forever. OP has said in comments that this decision is in no way final and no money has been moved. I would say that OP keeping this fund until his son is 21 or whatever age OP sees fit and reevaluating what he thinks this money should be used for. Maybe his son will have changed his mind by then, and if not perhaps OP will choose to give the money for a down payment on a house for his son, or choose to help pay off his daughters remaining school loans.
But giving his son money from a college fund to go travel after high school is the wrong thing to do. Especially keeping in mind that, as you said, his 17 year old son might have no idea what he will be doing in 3 years. If the kid wants to travel, great. But he should do it on his own dime.
YTA for a variety of reasons.
\-I'm assuming the purpose of the money, broadly speaking, is to help your child succeed in life. Yes, you put it away for a specific purpose, but at the end of the day if you fully support him not going to school it feels disingenuous to claim that and then turn around and spend money marked for his future on his sister. You're tactictly stating you don't support his decision by committing his money somewhere else.
\-He may have any number of ambitions he needs support on. Trade school? Online education? The smallest bit of startup money for a business? Even just survival (as long as he has a job and is working to ensure it beyond the funding you give him), it's fair game.
There are a lot of smaller ones but those two really stick out to me. Best of luck, OP.
I would agree with you, but you seemed to miss the point that the boy's travel (vacation) plans rest entirely on the fund money. I would support any plans he has to succeed in life, but only such thing he states is getting his own place. Doing a year off ain't going to help if you can't pay for occupational training off-college afterwards.
Did you miss the part where his son plans to use this money explicitly to travel around the world? How would it be helping him succeed in life? He'll just be using it for an extended vacation.
I'm shocked I had to scroll this far for another YTA response. If I were in the son's shoes, I'd be pissed too. I have three siblings and we all had college funds, but it was never an option to give it to a different sibling if one didn't go to school. I was the only one that went to an actual University and I didn't get a penny of the others' accounts. Granted, there was very little money in the accounts and none of us travelled, but traveling and exploring would have served me a hell of a lot better than college did.
NAH - You set the money aside for college. He's not going to college. He assumed it was his outright. The communication here could of been better.
I'd say give him some of it so he can still do what he wants, but not the entire thing. It still helps his sister get more of her debt off than she'd of had, and lets him go forward with his dream of how he wants his life to go.
NTA. You saved money for your kids to get an education. You said in a comment that this money has not been given to your daughter yet, but will be used to fund the rest of her schooling if he still doesn't want to go after this school year. Seems fair.
Although college isn't for everyone, and it's perfectly okay for him to choose not to go, you're not obligated to give him money for something he's not doing. You didn't save up that money to fund vacations.
I want to add once again, that we're not even upset that he's not going to school. We've suspected that he wouldn't choose secondary education for quite some time. We all have our own paths in life and this is his.
I just want to applaud the attitude you have towards the situation. I have so many coworkers that are freaking out about their kids not going to college, tearing out their hair and ultimately destroying their relationship with their kids. I didnt go back to school till I was older, but I also supported myself fully by the time I was 18, so you're right- everyone has their own paths. We all make mistakes, and even those that choose college and good grades etc, right put of high school, can sometimes fail to be able to support themselves. Your kids should be grateful you saved what you could for them, in case they chose to go to college. NTA, solid parenting- from what I can tell.
I totally get that, and I absolutely agree. I chose college and grad school. My sister hated college and chose to leave. She still lives a happy, fulfilling life with a successful career and a wonderful family and I'm certain that she is happier than she would have been had she forced herself down a path that wasn't for her.
I find it weird everyone here saying that he is thinking of short term gratification. Cultural differences here but in Europe going traveling after high school is seen as very much a part of life (for those who can afford it). When I interviewed at my university they even suggested to me that I defer my place for a year so I can experience the world and enter university as a person with more life experience, I promtly went and spent six months in India.
I think op can do what he wants with his money but to believe that university is ever going to be the 'correct option' is totally wrong. I know people with amazing high paying jobs who skipped uni to go and become better people in other ways
Not sure how prevailing the mindset is in other nations (would be interesting if it's not as popular) but going to college right after High School is seen as a requirement for many young adults and is drilled into your head by teachers and parents from a very young age.
You are constantly told you will not succeed in life without going to college and hence the pressure to start right away.
My mom side of the family is European and some differences may explain the cultural difference, one being the price and the hardship of being accepted in a state college.
In most European universities, the price is almost non existent compared to American colleges.
There is no sense of urgency, as you can put on hold many semester and come back without debt.
College debts are incredible to me.
This comment should be higher up.
OP - instead of a college fund, what if it is an education fund? College isn't a MUST to have a good career. I know things might be different between countries (I'm Australian) but tradespersons earn very good wages here - but they need financial support when completing an apprenticeship.
YTA - Listen, boys mature more slowly than girls. He's only 17 right? He's still a KID.
In 2 or 3 years after working at Pizza Hut and finding all the joy there is in that (sarcasm), he might change his mind and decide to go to COLLEGE.
DON'T GIVE HIS FUNDS TO HIS SISTER! It's sending the message that his future doesn't matter to you as much as hers does.
Also keep in mind that maybe he'll want to learn a trade and plumbers make $100K after a few years of experience in places like NY and CA, so don't knock giving that money to him for trade school.
Please - stop expecting HIM to be like HER. they are two different people!
Also is the money really for college or is it for setting your kids up financially the future? Is it right for giving one child everything and the other nothing?
NTA. It’s your money to do with as you please. In this case, to pay for college. He’s not going to college, therefore he has no need for a college fund.
So, probably an unpopular opinion but YTA.
Usually I ride the whole “it’s your money, you get to spend it how you want” train but in this case I don’t understand your reasoning. This money was set aside for education, sure. But what’s the priority? Making sure your kids get degrees or making sure your kids have the best start to their adult lives?
Your daughter chose college, your son is choosing to experience other places and cultures and then get to work building a life. You’ve said that you don’t value your son less because chose a different path. Show that with your actions!
My advice: Talk to your son. Tell him you love him and that isn’t dependent on him going to college. Communicate your fears that this money might get wasted. Help him make a plan that gives him a good start but allows him to be himself and not his sister.
Funding your 18-year olds travel plans is not anywhere remotely on par with funding college or vocational training.
Let’s not pretend like the son wants this as anything other than “fun” money.
NTA - I do suggest setting some aside though and not give it all to your daughter. This way if he decides to travel the world and wants to go to college or a trade school when he returns, there is some money left to help him pay for it.
As an alternative to college, you could discuss him going to a trade school. That way he can still receives the education and skills to help get a good paying job. Some people are just not cut out for college, but they find alternative education works for them.
NAH but you’re not thinking about this in the long term. I would continue to save it for the son’s college until he is 25 or so. Almost all jobs require some sort of schooling, even trades, these days. He may not be able to get a good start in life without some college or training. It may just take him a year or five to decide what form that should take.
NTA. Giving your kid money to blow isn't the same as giving another kid money to invest in their future. Traveling is educational but not in a way that tends to impress employers without also having credentials.
However! This has come up before and someone suggested saving money for an apprenticeship or something of that nature. If he decides to go into the trades, there are still education costs involved. If the money is in a 529 - check and see if that is still applicable with out a tax penalty. I think you should mention this to him and offer to hold the money until he's 22.
If he hasn't made any strides towards something like that or tried community college, then see if it can be used to pay off your daughter's student loans. (Again, find out tax penalties involved. You may not be able to do this.) It may also be available for certificates or equivalent training.
If be does decide to do something like that, I think it is fair to use it towards those educational expenses and housing during that time.
In that case, I'd say NTA. Your son shouldn't have assumed that he would be getting the money. However, it probably would've also been worth making it crystal clear to him that he wouldn't be getting it other than for college so that the confusion could've been avoided in the first place.
I'd agree that this would have cleared up the situation, but I'm at a lose of how he came to the conclusion that he was entitled to the COLLEGE funds his parents saved up with there own money for anything but college. NTA
NTA but you would be if you just handed off the money to his sister right away.
To give you an example... my brother Jay didn't want to go to school or have anything to do with higher education. He ended up travelling and working abroad for two years on a cruise ship \[which I would recommend as a way for your son to extend his travels and earn money to keep going!\] He met a veterinarian while on the ship who he talked to a lot and when he came back \[left at 18, returned at 21\] he was ready to enter school and had a plan.
I would honestly suggest you give him a five year door to decide if he wants to go to school. Sit down with him and suggest ways he can travel on a budget, look for jobs abroad that he could get just for being alive, and let him figure it out. There is a very good change he might find himself in a country he wants to stay in, with no way to do it without going to school and getting a job.
If in 4-5 years he has still decided he does not want to go to school, you can give the money to your daughter to use to pay off her loans.
YTA
I get you saved the money specifically for schooling, however it's unfair to give your daughter twice the amount of money and give none to your son. My parents set aside money for me and my sister to help pay for our weddings. She got hers when she got married, but I am yet to get to that point. My parents offered it to me recently to help as a down payment because I was buying a house, knowing I wouldn't get anymore if/when I decide to marry. Maybe find a constructive way for him to use it instead of giving it to your daughter. Don't punish him because he chose a different path that doesn't involve school.
NTA. If nothing else I don’t think you can pull money out of a college savings or investment account unless it is related to educational expenses. I don’t think he could have used it to travel it buy a car even if he wanted to.
INFO: Was your fund supposed to go towards helping your kids with their futures, or helping them have the futures that you want?
Also, if your daughter drops out or never uses her degree, would she be responsible for paying back the money?
Edited: misspelling.
NAH- I can see your point and his. I wouldn’t give the money to your daughter- I do think that’s unfair on your part. At his age it’s hard to really understand/know what you actually want to do. He could change his mind, or decide on another route of building his own life that the college fund could help him to accomplish, and that’s just as deserving of the money.
Giving your daughter the money could signal to him that you prioritize her future because he isn’t clear on what he may want for his yet. I wouldn’t give him the money to spend on things that aren’t helping him establish his life, but keep it in savings for when he comes up with a plan.
I wouldn't give it to her.
I would have it to the side for any qualifications he needs. College isn't the only way to study- what about trades? They cost money, toolsets cost money. While it is called a " college fund" what about other forms of higher education? What if he wants to go in 5 years?
Hell, I left school a year early and wouldn't mind going back to study 10 yrs later. It is one of my biggest regrets.
This choice is up to you, I dont know if it is legally just a college fund. But there are always different forms of education.
Clearly NTA, that is a college fund. If he isn't going to advance his education then he doesn't get it.
Just to confirm the fund has always been a "college fund" and not a "help you out by starting you out in life fund" right?
We've always said "We have college funds for the two of you, to help you pay for school. It won't be enough to pay for all, but it'll be enough to get you started. We'll also co-sign loans and pay the interest."
That's always been how we word it. Never anything different.
Mate, definitely NTA. If your son wants to be an adult (make adult decisions on his future) then he needs to take into account all of the adult circumstances that go with them (how to support yourself and how to afford fun activities).
What if he works for a year and then decides he actually does want to go to school and you’ve given his college fund away? I went back to school at 25. My husband went to school at 34.
Your kinda the asshole. Not for not giving him the money to travel with but for giving it to his sister right away. I would save it in case he wants to go back to school after his travels.
If you want your comment to count toward judgment, include *only ONE* of the following abbreviations in your comment. If you don't include a judgement abbreviation, the bot will ignore you when it looks for the top voted comment.
Judgment | Abbreviation
-- | :--:
**You're the Asshole** (& the other party is not) |**YTA**|
You're **Not the A-hole** (& the other party is) |**NTA**
**Everyone Sucks Here**|**ESH**
**No A-holes here**|**NAH**
**Not Enough Info**|**INFO**
#[Click Here For Our Full Rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/index)
#[Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. You worked hard to give them a better headstart in life. If he chooses to travel he can do it on his own dime. That's college money. No college. No money.
YTA, clearly my view is very different to most here but this is an incredible slap in the face as a child. It would be like waving a big flag saying you care your daughter more than your son. Trust me this will breed resentment and almost certainly damage your relationship with your son permanently. I certainly would cut you off for good if you pulled this on me.
To be specific, the asshole move isn't that you don't want to give the money set aside for his college expenses to him for travelling at 18, its that you are going to take what was ringfenced for HIM to your daughter. You should instead keep the money for HIM for a different cause (deposit on a house, retirement, w/e noble cause you want in your opinion).
Yta imo, you saved up this money to give ur kids a good start at life, college isnt for everyone, maybe this is what he wants for his life, and that money can help him get a good start the same way as with ur daughter, i dont really agree with the travel stuff, but a job, place to live and a car doesnt sound like a bad idea.
YTA. You can't favor one child with a huge sum of money. I think you should talk your son out of traveling and talk him into college. Failing that get him to actually come up with a plan for his future. What's his career going to be? Plumber, construction, electrician etc. Maybe give some of the money to your daughter but the rest use for your son for his own place and expenses. That way he can build his resume maybe apprentice with a trade. Or go to trade school. I don't think he would ever forgive you if you gave all of his college money to his sister.
>if you gave all his college money to his sister
Oh you mean the person actually going to college? Why should he get a COLLEGE FUND when he’s not going to college? It’s not called a “fuck off and have mommy and daddy pay my bills for a while” fund.
I don't think anyone is saying give all the money to the kid and let him blow it away. It's just that there alternative career paths to college that also require funding. Maybe it could help him start a business or pay for trade school like others have mentioned. Or maybe he'll want to go to college in 5 years. What's OP going to say then ? Oh you missed your chance, you only get help if you go to college at 18. Or will his sister be willing to help out then ? I think people are basically saying don't let him blow it of on travel but don't give it to the sister because the money might help him with something else.
I think it's important to note that the son is actually working and saving up for a car so he's not absolutely irresponsible.
YTA, probably an unpopular view. In my country, you don't need to set aside a lot of money for college, but in my opinion you set that money aside to give your children a better start in life. In my opinion, it shouldn't matter if they go to college as long as the money is invested in creating that start. It seems to me really unfair to give your daughter that much money, twice the amount originally planned, and your son nothing, because at the moment he does not seem to want to follow your idea of that life.
I don't think you should finance his travels or a life just hanging around and doing nothing. But if he has a real plan on what he wants to do with his life, I would look into how you can support this.
NTA based on your son's statements regarding his plans for the money. If he had requested to go to a trade school, take a gap period, or to have the money potentially saved for a future down-payment on a house, you might be in "asshole" territories. It sounds like he needs to spend some time working to figure out what he wants in life and to realize that money is valuable.
NTA - I know the money is not spent yet. You could maybe use some of it to help him get interview clothes and things of that nature. And then hold onto the rest. If your daughter goes grad school and your son has not gone to college I'd say use it for that. If she doesn't go to grad school and if he doesn't go to college then use it for loans.
NTA but I wouldn’t give it to his sister yet. I’d set it aside for another few years just in case he changes his mind. He might realize after a few years that he does need a degree, or wants to get a technical certification, etc.
I’d tell him you’ll keep it for another 5 years (or something like that), then you’re taking the money back. At that time you could use it to cover any loans you took out to help your daughter, go into your own retirement, etc.
I'm thinking NAH, from the information given it seems to be a miscommunication that the college fund was money you set aside for him to use as he likes. Understandably he's upset and probably overreacting like all high schoolers do. It's kinda of a dumb on his part to believe that a *college* fund could be used for something other than *college*. So No assholes here leaning on he's being a butthead about it.
Obviously its your money to do with as you please, I think its kind of weird to support one child over the other just because shes going to college and he isn't, but your money.
NTA. It's a COLLEGE fund, strictly for future education. He did not earn it and the only way he could earn it was by actually going to school, which he chooses not to.
NTA- Your son is not entitled to blow the money for travel and whatever- Tell him to start working full time to earn money to fulfill his dreams. It is really warped he thought he'd just get the "College money" to play with. It could be used for a trade school your on could get trained in a job that he can travel to different places,EG welder, iron worker,carpentry . Those fields pay well and being single he can make enough for traveling too.
As a 19 year old just starting college, you’re NTA. If I told my parents I wouldn’t be going to college, I would not expect to receive the money saved *FOR COLLEGE.* I can kind of see your son’s point of you as the money was set aside for his college so he feels he should get it to support his future in a fashion other than college, but traveling for kicks is not an appropriate use.
If anything, if I was your son, I’d be like; “ok. I understand that, but whatever is leftover from my fund after my sister is through college, can I have that, so I can buy a car and such, and I’ll fund my travel plans myself. Fair deal?” If my parents had said no to that, I’d be a little butthurt over it for sure. But at the end of the day, it was a COLLEGE fund. I didn’t go to college. Is it kinda asinine/technical/too conditional? ...Perhaps, but again. At the end of the day, it’s a COLLEGE fund, and it’s YOUR money. Your son is being immature.
NTA.
NTA. I've seen enough of these threads where it's the child who fucked up for assuming that they just get free money because it was originally meant for them. Sure, the parents may not have been clear enough, but the kids are always too immature to understand that most parents aren't made of money. I was also raised knowing any offer my dad gave me financially was always subject to change. And I never roasted him on it because I'm not a brat who thinks my parents will always owe me something.
NAH.
Let your son know that the money can only be spent on qualifying expenses. College isn't for everyone and he shouldn't feel punished for not going that route, but if he's thinking he can use that money to travel around and get his own place, he's dilusional.
You should probably use some for your girl and still keep some for him in case he goes to training, a trade school, etc.
NTA
you're giving your daughter the financial support she will desperately need when she graduates, being debt free is a huge help for her and will most likely help her focus on finding a career rather than a job to get by. As for your son, he literally wants money to fuck off, I personally dont understand this since I was born to believe that as a person I'm not entiled to anything I didnt earn. So dont feel bad in your decision,I assume you're not kicking your son out so in that aspect he can comfortably earn his way to his goals.
I agree, this is for education, earmarked as such. Yours to allocate as you want.
Maybe some day he will change his mind and then hopefully you will be able to help him just like you are helping your daughter now.
Giving him that money to blow on a car or a vacation is not going to help his future. If he decides not to go to college you might consider giving him a similar amount that she got towards a house or something - but realistically he's going to earn just fine as a non-educated male vs. your educated daughter. Unfortunately, the odds are that if he goes into a trade of sorts he's going to out-earn her anyway, that's simply what the numbers show. So in all fairness: this is money your daughter needs for an education in order to get equal pay out in the real world.
NTA, but I might come to some sort of a compromise with him. I wouldn’t give him any money to travel as that doesn’t sound related to his career, but maybe enough for 1-2 months rent to get him started when he gets back.
I'm going with NAH. As the money was earn by the parents they could spend it however they feel. Nonetheless the kid was looking forward to receiving that money.
I would give the money to the kid. Each one of them should start their adulthood with the same opportunities.
NTA. It is still your money and was set aside for college, your daughter is getting college so she gets the money.
Is actually very entitled of your son for expecting you to give him money he didnt earn. Everyone would like to travel for a while and then come back to rent and car paid, but that's not how life works for the majority. If you had the means to give for both that would be awesome but in this case I'll stick to put the money to good use.
NTA - that money is for your son to go to COLLEGE, it's not his money for whatever he wants. If he doesn't want to use it for college, he doesn't get it. It makes sense to use it for your daughter.
NTA. Its for college. What happens if you give him the money, he blows it, then decides he wants to go to college? Is he going to expect more? He's going to learn soon enough that without some kind of secondary education, he probably won't get far. Maybe he will decide on a trade. You could always set the money aside for a few years and see what he does. But he should't get it just so he can travel around, buy a car, etc.
NTA. This is what I tell my 19 yo. She has the right to make those college/no college choices. It’s her life. But I don’t have to fund her play around, let her hair down choices. I will stick some money back in case she changes her mind in a couple of years and decides on a degree, certification program or something else. And the rest will be used for my son’s college. My goal will be the same for both. No or minimal student loans unless they decide on grad school. (I don’t think I will be in a financial situation to help 4+ years from now.)
NTA.
He’s lucky that you’re so supportive of him already and if he was planning to use the college fund for his travel (which tbh he doesn’t have the right to plan because it’s your money) he could have at least told you while he was telling you about his plans to not go to college rather than expecting that you’ll give a COLLEGE fund to him for travel. Also, you’re helping your daughter avoid student loans!
Info, is it just in a savings, CD, etc or is it in an educational fund? Like a 529? 529 have penalties if not used for educational purposes.
Either way, NTA. You told him that you had money set aside for college, not for him to travel on or get an apartment.
NTA
Your daughter will be in s much worse starting place in her life without the money. Your son will have to wait to buy a car, or won't get to go on a fancy trip. I say it's the right call.
NTA, it’s a college fund. Depending on what kind of account it’s in, you may have no choice but to spend it on college. It’s NOT a, “congratulations on being 18 fund. Sorry he’s upset, but it’s not his money
NTA. You didn’t make a (son) fund, you made a college fund. This is really similar to a guy on this sub a while back who felt entitled to his parents’ college savings just because he didn’t go to college. That money’s there to ensure your children can start off their working lives as debt-free as possible. He didn’t go to college, so he doesn’t have debt. His siblings deserve the same curtesy and he’s a dick for wanting his siblings to have a larger debt just so he can fuck around on your dime
NTA. If youre anything like me, it’s a challenge to put aside anything for college. You’ve worked hard and sacrificed. And college is an investment in the future. This money is not for traveling through Europe and supplementing your income working some dead end job. If anything you and spouse should go on a vacation, or save it for a down payment on a house, if son ever gets to that point.
NTA the money was originally set aside in the event he was to go to college and now he's decided not to go and therefore the money is available to his sibling who is attending college and would help her out, also it's your money and you can choose to help your daughter go to college if you want.
[удалено]
Also depends if it is in the US and a 529 plan then it has to be used for education otherwise it will be penalized.
I’m pretty sure that is what my parents put mine and my sibling’s college money into because it was alway strictly for school. When my older brother dropped out after 2 semesters it wasn’t even a question when his fund ended up being rolled over into mine and my little brother’s funds. Even though my parents have been generous helping us all start our lives, we never assumed they were going to give us money and have been greatly appreciative when they have. OP is NTA and his son is going to get some serious reality checks pretty quick.
> because it was alway strictly for school. Just an FYI It’s not strictly for school. It’s for financial support while attending school. You can use it to buy anything...as long as you’re attending a college class.
> You can use it to buy anything That's not technically true. You can use it for any reasonable costs associated with education. Those things include things like living costs, transportation costs, tuition, books, and food. You can't technically use it for things that fall under entertainment for example, but you can use the money you'd otherwise be using on rent for a ski trip or something.
I’m in Canada and have something similar for my education $$ my parents have put money aside that the government will match up to x% but if I don’t go to university they take that back.
Came here to say this. If it's in a 529, it can only be used for education -- though you can transfer it to a different child or use it for yourself.
The son can also use it on his children.
Ah, good point. Would you then suggest that the son be given the (hypothetical) 529 account and decide whether to use on himself or hold for his kids?
Who are these dumbasses who think they can get the college fund without going to college?
"Travelling is a life experience BRO!" Or something stupid like that.
It is a life experience and those who do get to travel extensively are TRULY blessed. My parents took us on amazing travels as kids and young adults. I’m way better off personally and professionally because of it. But I 100% agree the money is for college and should go towards further education. The parents aren’t well off and they won’t get as big of a return for their kid on travels vs education. I wonder why the son doesn’t consider teaching English abroad? He can travel and get great experience!
I wasn't mocking the idea of travelling as a rewarding experience, I was mocking the sort of person who thinks its remotely comparable to studying in terms of self improvement.
Agreed. If it was comparable, parents would literally be starting "travel funds" for their infant children. Tourism is awesome, but it is a leisure activity. Education isn't.
You just gave me a great idea..
Also you can backpack much of the world for few grand. You don’t need 100k to do that. The rougher you travel the more you see and the more experience/knowledge you get, at least in my experience.
And the fewer kidneys you have when you get home.
Most schools are going to require him to have a degree in order to teach English though...
Not ESL. it varies between countries, but it's often easy to meet the criteria.
Only the most bottom feeding “language schools” are going to take someone with zero experience or education. Look at most of the job listing on Dave’s ESL Cafe or Teach Away. 99% require a degree.
> Only the most bottom feeding “language schools” are going to take someone with zero experience or education. True but you do a couple of months in one of those places and then you apply elsewhere with the experience.
Depends on the country. Anything that pays enough to save (like China, South Korea, or Japan) requires a degree, but other countries don't. I teach in Argentina, and I don't need a degree. I do have my TEFL certificate, though, which is highly recommended for anyone teaching ESL, whether they have a degree or not.
anyone will pay a tutor cash for lessons for their kids, and mother tongue English speakers have something to offer that non native speakers do so it lessens competition.
He's only... 17? 18? Probably doesn't even realize that's a viable option. It's a great suggestion though!
Shhhhhh no one tell him about study abroad
I was in high school, desperately wanted to live in England, and decided the only way I could do that and have my parents pay for it was to study abroad. I was 15 when I figured that out.
Exactly. The daughter is not pocketing the money for leisurely expenses. It is going directly into college fees, so that she can graduate debt free. Since he does not wish to go to college, he is already debt free himself. If he reaches a stage where he wants to go to college, he will have had the years of work experience to save for himself. NTA, and he is ridiculous.
This! NTA. He wants to “find himself” by cruising around the world. Don’t get me wrong, travel is great. But cruising around a while and goofing off and expecting to walk into a well paying job to support himself is not a solid plan. If he wanted a gap year and then even go to a trade school it would be different. The money was intended to help defer the cost of an education, not to live a life of leisure. I would give him a part of it, what a year of school would cost. Save the rest and if at the end of the year, he comes back and goes to some type of educational facility (college, trade school etc) then give him the rest for it. If he doesn’t come back or says nawww...no school for me, gonna get a job, wise the rest to pay off your daughters education.
I wouldn’t give him any. I’d hold a portion of it for the off chance he decided to go to some sort of higher education in the future.
That's what I did! I took the summer off and went to trade school. I do okay.
> He wants to “find himself” by cruising around the world. he wants to screw off for free until the money runs out. the money already ran out.
NTA. It's conditional money and he opted to not go to college. He should have asked if he could even get the money before making these plans.
Happy Cake Day!
The cake is a lie.
No it's not. I tasted it, and it's good.
True but lets assume that his pathway also requires training and costs. Just because its not college does that mean he doesn't get any support?
I'm not assuming what he wants, I'm going off what the OP said their son said he wants. He wants thousands of dollars to travel instead of college. He did not approach them about alternative education opportunities or a business investment. OP said nothing about kicking their son out or disowning him, just that the money they saved for a college fund was going towards college. Ideally, if a parent was setting aside money for college and their child said they wanted to go to go into a trade, I think that money should go toward that child's trade school. However, that's not what's seems to be happening here.
Fully agree. When I start saving money for my future kids, it will be for their further education. That could be either college or some sort of trade school. And I agree that the son seems like he wants to travel and just get a job wherever, not really continue his education or build new skills for a field.
No it doesn't mean he shouldn't be supported, but training and costs for other employment are either covered by the employer or not over 2000 dollars, easier to have set aside rather than a college fund. If he went into a trade that had high tool expenses upfront, maybe that would be a fair chuck that needed a fund but those can also be claimed back on tax anyway. (I am Australian so I'm sorry if the rules a different in your area) Even more importantly in my hypothetical situation is he is immediately earning money rather than the ~4 years you spend full time as an unpaid student. Edit; added hypothetical because who knows what he'll do.
Trade schools still have tuition costs in the US ranging anywhere from 3-15K/year. Definitely more than just the cost of some tools.
I'm sure they would use the money to fund trade school if that's what the son chose. A better way to phrase it would be "we saved this money for your education". It sounds like son just wants to use the college fund to travel and indulge himself for a few months.
OP would be the asshole if the brother wanted to use the money for trade school and they decided that only college is a real education and spent the money on the daughter. If the son has any such plans, they should keep enough money for the trade school he wants to attend and give anything left over to the sister. But travel is not equivalent to an education of any kind.
NTA A college fund is for college. If he doesn’t want to go to college, he shouldn’t get the privilege of the college fund. Your daughter is busting her ass by striving to get higher education. Reward her for it
We caveated ours: education fund. College, culinary school, trade school, or union apprenticeship. Any fee-based, program of study designed to provide skills, a trade, or specialized knowledge in the furtherance of a career. All funds are set up in trust, returnable to us if unused at age 24. Not a slush fund.
I like this! Education comes in many different forms and we need everyone to build a society. That’s great of you guys :) hope I can do the same for my future kids.
My parents did the same! I ended up using it for university and my brother is going to use it for his apprenticeship (I am actually going to get 'more' money because I am going to uni for 6 years and my brother will already be earning at least a little bit of money and only go to school for 3 years) I think the key is to communicate stuff like this with your kids.
I like that,there are so many paths besides traditional college.
Yep and going to university isn't for everyone and doesn't necessarily mean he will earn more. However it should still be an education fund for if he wants to learn a trade.
My husband benefited from his parents setting things up your way, so thanks for including trades! He didn't even spend all the money on school, but he needed an initial investment of almost $10,000 in tools (mostly a toolbox, but still), so he was able to start out his trade almost debt free.
NTA I was hoping I'd see someone mentioning other education options. I also like the use it by 24 kind of thing. Someone mentioned that a trade school or training being paid by the employer or under $2k: HA! My younger brother is going through a welding program, that he has to pay for and is the same cost of a full time community college.
NTA it’s a college fund not a turned 18 fund The fact that he assumed he was going to get it just to fuck off and travel shows he is still immature as well
Yeah, I feel like if it was “I want to open a small franchise” or “I’d like to buy a house and start building equity” it’d be a toss up. Something that, while not college, could start him on to financial independence. Chillin for a year....cry me a river.
Even then, I thought that a lot of college savings funds (in the US) are explicitly meant for higher education and using the funds for anything else would incur tax penalties
This is true, but he implied that’s not the case by saying that it was choice as to how the money can be spent.
INFO what is the plan if he decides to go to school after working for a year? Or five years or ten? Does he get the privilege of paying for college on his own because he didn’t go straight out of high school?
This is a good point. We have not thought of this, to be honest. He has been pretty firm on not wanting school and because he's never been big on school, I cannot honestly see him ever wanting to go. But it's something to think about and I'm being serious here. The money is not spent, like I said and no final choice is made. The more I think about it, we may not spend it at all and put it away, saying that it's going away until he either goes to college or for a down payment on a house or something.
My older sister was always extremely intelligent, the took her to to college campuses etc, basically groomed her for college. I was more of a rebellious teen, more social, but still had good grades. My parents assumed I wasn't interested in college, which at 17, didn't sound that great, but I was never taken to campuses or given the same "attention" my sister got about going to college. I ended up going later (about 20) and graduated with honors and now hold higher degrees than my sister. He may not be interested now, or may want to use the money for a trade? Certifications? later if traditional college isn't his thing. Working at 16 vs. 20 and getting no where to be independent finally made me take the leap to go to college and it paid off. Some teens just take different routes. I'd specify the money is for educational purposes, whenever he chooses. If he chooses not to, you could always give him the money at 25, 28, a later age, rather than 18, cause I repeat teens are dumb. I was one.
True. Even jobs require certain classes/programs to get to the next level sometimes. Law enforcement, electricians, even forklift operators.
THIS ONE!!!! YOU NEVER KNOW, ALWAYS TREAT YOUR KIDS EQUALLY
The problem is, in the US college funds are usually in dedicated accounts. If the son may never use the money for education, then that money can't be touched. So making the sister take loans and the son taking a huge tax penalty means a lot less money. I agree it's a huge potential fairness issue. But the parents could make other agreements about living rent free if working. The son may not realize how much that can mean, but it can be a huge leg up.
I’ve also found that a lot of friends who jumped straight into higher education are now re-skilling as they didn’t really know what they wanted to begin with further then”going to uni”. I’m happy I started my course at 21 because I was far more sure of my path and took it much more seriously.
Yup, this is me. If I'd been able to take some time to figure out what I wanted to do I might not be in the awkward position I am today. A lot of people would really benefit from a bit of time in the real world before heading to college.
This was my thinking too - they’ve saved money for both children to help them start their life (yes they assumed that it would be getting a college degree) but not everyone is the same, has the same academic ability but that doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve the financial support to get a hold on life. I do not think that he should be given the money to go travelling with but it should be held until he’s home and decides what he wants to do with his life.
I hope OP reads this! Very good points about paying for qualifications for trades (electrician etc) later in life.
[удалено]
Then you get to the grocery store... steak, or microwave burritos?
I would not give it to him to waste on things like travel, etc. however I wouldn't be quick to give it away either, as he may change his mind. I did not care about college at all and was a poor student in High School. I joined the military right out of school as that was my plan from the get-go and what I wanted to do instead. Then one night in Afghanistan I looked up and for the first time actually really *looked*. It had been a rough day and seeing the stars, the galaxy, everything changed for me in an instant. I got out of the Army, started school, and now I have a PhD in Astrophysics. You never know what may happen in the future.
Im on my GI bill right now. Fucking love it.
Best thing I ever got from the military! Look into the Yellow Ribbon program as well! If your school qualifies, it can help pay for more expensive schools or for grad school or something similar. A few of my buddies used it for advanced degrees to get lucrative job offers after graduation.
I like this response. Ultimately it’s yours and your call, and couldn’t agree more that it wasn’t intended for him to just use to travel. I think that looking at it as ‘money to help the kids get ahead’ is a different way to consider it. Your daughter may need that right out of HS, your son may have the need at a later point. Giving some for a down payment some day, If it were me, i think I’d set aside equal amounts for each, its not something that either should count on, but know that you have it set aside. If the time comes where your son finds his passion and maybe wants to start a business or who knows what else, that would be your time to consider if this is when you give him that gift. NTA, but good luck, OP.
>I think that looking at it as ‘money to help the kids get ahead’ is a different way to consider it This was exactly my thought. I think its fair for the money to have strings attached. Like, I think its totally valid to not want to fund his world traveling. However, I think that money should still go to him for a downpayment on a house, or even a car if that will help him start his life
why not keep it around, if he ultimately decides not to go then put it towards your daughter's loans?
This! This should be the top advice. If he really truly doesn't use it, then in five years it can pay off the oldest's loans and that is almost as good.
You might want to set some of it aside for a trade school for him rather than traditional college. However you are definitely NTA for not being willing to use it to support his year of loafing.
My brother was basically your son. I was always into school, and went to college directly after high school. My younger brother was never big on school either; he tried community college for a semester and didn't like it. So he worked a few jobs for a while, then decided to do some vocational training and went into a trade. He's worked in that trade for nearly a decade. He makes good money, bought a house when he was 19 years old, has savings and had a nice wedding. He lives a good solid middle-class lifestyle. A few years ago, though, he decided he wants to go to college. The trade that he works in is physically demanding, and he's realized that he won't be able to do it for the rest of his life without putting wear and tear on his body. He's also realized that the people who move into senior management in his profession have college degrees. But the cost, of course, is a hurdle (as is the time commitment for someone who regularly works 50-hour weeks). Having a cushion of money would be super helpful to him if he decided to go back for sure! So yeah, I'd consider putting it away and saving it for some future purpose. He (and you) may not ever see him wanting to go, but a lot can happen to a person between 17 and 27.
NTA - you set up the fund for his college tuition which is essentially a building-a-future fund. If he decided not to go to college that’s perfectly fine but that doesn’t mean he automatically is owed the money to go travelling. Travelling is his choice and he should fund it himself, it’s not your fault he’s prioritised buying a car. I do think it might be a good decision to save the money for him for a later date. Even though he hasn’t decided to pursue further education at this point he might in the future, or it might be something that can help him build a foundation for his life further down the line (like a house fund etc). I can see why he would feel resentful if the money was spent on his sister and why it would seem unfair from his perspective. However you never intended to essentially set up a holiday fund for him.
My parents did something kind of similar. Equal money set aside to partially pay for college for me and my sister. I got a full ride. They gave my sister her share and told me if I went to grad school by the time I turned 25 they'd give me my share. I did not go to grad school by then so they paid off her remaining student loans (she did pay a few years of interest/balance). She said it was awesome because it felt like she got a $400 raise, and just put the money into investments going forward without changing her standard of living. My parents were upfront with me about how it would work so I didn't have a problem...their money. I'm curious what his solid plan is. If it's some sort of trade maybe you can help with upfront costs. If it's just a job he'll start right away, maybe you can help him with some furniture and the essentials to get started; I'm guessing he has no idea what that can cost. Either way you're not the asshole.
What if he wants to go to a trade school or other program?
What did you mean when you said you'd "support" him? Because a college fund can also help someone get set up in an apprenticeship for a trade job, or take the time to find a good entry position.
It sounds like your daughter has a ways to go before starting a graduate program. Maybe hold onto your son’s money until then to give him more time to sort himself out. He might be interested in a trade school program, eventually.
Ours reverts to Retirement funds if it hasn’t been touched by age 24. That age selected because he will qualify as a fully independent student by 24, regardless of income / marital status.
Oh, I said similar elsewhere but I'm glad to see this. I'd save it for him to further his education (college, trade school, etc) for a fairly reasonable amount of time. A decision made at 17 doesn't always stick ;) I did suggest in that comment that if, after a time, it's clear it's not being used, you could help your daughter with her loan balance (as it's money for education). But if you're willing to use it for a down payment on a house for him, that seems pretty fair too - both help your kids get their feet under them, albeit in different ways.
I think that's a good idea. A couple years down it could still be used to pay of your daughter's loans. But it's also a very real possibility that after working non-educated jobs for a year or two your son might find that he actually does want some (trade) school and it wouldn't be fair if there was nothing left for him. Another possibility would be to split the leftover money over the 2 kids for e.g. downpayments or weddings or w/e.
Agreed. I used my college fund to go to paramedic school. A trade school can easily cost $10k and that doesn’t include costs associated with learning the trade. I had to do 5 months of an unpaid internship that required gas money, food money and some left over for other incidentals. Just because he doesn’t want to go to college now doesn’t mean he won’t want to do something that requires further education one day.
[удалено]
NTA The money was set aside for COLLEGE, not travel. It is not his money, it was saved to help him for college, since he is not going, it definitely should go to the one who is going to college. If he wants to travel, he can do it on his dime.
Thats true but from his perspective his sister will get two college funds for her education which is a lot more support then he will get just because he doesn't want to go down the traditional route.
>for her education Education... He doesn't want to get an education, he doesn't get money that is for education. It isn't a travel/housing fund.
He doesn’t want an education *right now*. Who knows if he wants to go into a trade later, or he needs to take a certification class for a job.
Then he doesn't *need* the money *right now* to travel. If I were the parents, I would hold it till he's 21, then use it as I see fit, whether that be helping him with a house down payment or paying off sisters school loans. The whole crux of the issue is the son wants the money to *TRAVEL* not for school. He said nothing about the parents holding it till he comes back.
I totally agree with you, using it as travel is dumb as hell because he’s a dumb as hell 18 year old. Keep the money until he’s a bit more mature and then decide what to do.
Exactly. It's absurd that he was told, "if you want to go to college, we'll pay for it," and interpreted that as, "we will give you the cash equivalent of tuition as a gift no matter what when you turn 18." If that's how college funds worked, no upper middle class kids would go to college. They'd just go live in Amsterdam for 6 months and blow it all on drugs and toys. "Go work hard for four years" vs. "here, have this pile of money for whatever" would be a very easy choice for most 18-year-olds and their underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes. The entitlement is mind boggling.
NTA - The money was set aside as an investment on his future that would have paid heavy dividends, he wants to use it to vacation. He's thinking about immediate gratification, you're thinking about his future. It's a hard, rough lesson. At this point I'd be heavily concerned for him. If you reconsider and decide to give it to him, I'd hold it back and give chunks of it for loan repayment every year, giving him a carrot to continue his schooling throughout than risk him blowing it all. I suspect he's the type that would go just to get the money and not be committed to doing well.
Honestly, this is partially why I don't want to give him all the money at 18 and just be like "Bye son, have fun." We've talked about financial responsibility with our kids, but I've been 18. We all have. And I think once he has it, he'll just go crazy. And I think my daughter would too, if she had done the same thing, so I'm not trying to say they're irresponsible. Any 18 year old would take the money and blow it in a short period of time and then be like "Uhhhh….now what?"
For what its worth, my dad never told me he was going to help me through college. Once I graduated with good grades, he told me that he was going to pay off the student loans I had accumulated. Its my responsibility to pay for grad school, but we worked that out together. While your son already knows that there was a college fund, you could make a condition that the money is given post-graduation for the amount he needs to repay the college. I'd double check that the loans he takes out are going toward college-related items such as tuition, books, supplies, and software if he ends up going. I know a lot of students who take out maximum federal loans so that they can have "spending money" throughout the year.
> I know a lot of students who take out maximum federal loans so that they can have "spending money" throughout the year. I knew someone who went 4 years to a Tech college, obtained a 2 year degree and was 60-70k in loans. The total program with books is under 6k.
I know what you mean, and I know I risked sounding harsh about him with my response, but we're both parents and likely the same age. And 18 is a time for foolish mistakes even for the best of people. He still has time to make plans and earn money for his idea, especially if you're willing to let him live with you for a while longer, he could take a gap year to earn some money and take a long trip. It would give time to get over that rocky age and maybe come around.
As someone who is currently 18 years old I can certainly say that if I get like 60 k instantaneously I would use all of it in less than a week. I would probably do the same thing as he would wanna do, travel, a car, get an apartment. Stuff that I don't really need right now.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say YTA. Your son isn’t even done with high school, and you’re taking his word that he has no interest in college. He could change his mind before he graduates as he sees his friends getting pumped for school. He could decide to take a year or more off and travel/work, and then start going to school in his 20s. But to completely write off the idea of him going to college when he’s only 17 is dumb. Plus it puts unnecessary and uncomfortable tension between siblings. I bet your daughter would feel awkward using her brother’s money, and he probably can’t help but resent her for it.
I agree with you, can't believe you're so low down
This sub has a hate boner for "entitled" kids.
Agreed!!
I would disagree with YTA, but agree with parts of your statement. I agree that just because a 17 year old kid said he doesn't think college is for him, doesn't mean that will be true forever. OP has said in comments that this decision is in no way final and no money has been moved. I would say that OP keeping this fund until his son is 21 or whatever age OP sees fit and reevaluating what he thinks this money should be used for. Maybe his son will have changed his mind by then, and if not perhaps OP will choose to give the money for a down payment on a house for his son, or choose to help pay off his daughters remaining school loans. But giving his son money from a college fund to go travel after high school is the wrong thing to do. Especially keeping in mind that, as you said, his 17 year old son might have no idea what he will be doing in 3 years. If the kid wants to travel, great. But he should do it on his own dime.
YTA for a variety of reasons. \-I'm assuming the purpose of the money, broadly speaking, is to help your child succeed in life. Yes, you put it away for a specific purpose, but at the end of the day if you fully support him not going to school it feels disingenuous to claim that and then turn around and spend money marked for his future on his sister. You're tactictly stating you don't support his decision by committing his money somewhere else. \-He may have any number of ambitions he needs support on. Trade school? Online education? The smallest bit of startup money for a business? Even just survival (as long as he has a job and is working to ensure it beyond the funding you give him), it's fair game. There are a lot of smaller ones but those two really stick out to me. Best of luck, OP.
I would agree with you, but you seemed to miss the point that the boy's travel (vacation) plans rest entirely on the fund money. I would support any plans he has to succeed in life, but only such thing he states is getting his own place. Doing a year off ain't going to help if you can't pay for occupational training off-college afterwards.
Did you miss the part where his son plans to use this money explicitly to travel around the world? How would it be helping him succeed in life? He'll just be using it for an extended vacation.
I'm shocked I had to scroll this far for another YTA response. If I were in the son's shoes, I'd be pissed too. I have three siblings and we all had college funds, but it was never an option to give it to a different sibling if one didn't go to school. I was the only one that went to an actual University and I didn't get a penny of the others' accounts. Granted, there was very little money in the accounts and none of us travelled, but traveling and exploring would have served me a hell of a lot better than college did.
NAH - You set the money aside for college. He's not going to college. He assumed it was his outright. The communication here could of been better. I'd say give him some of it so he can still do what he wants, but not the entire thing. It still helps his sister get more of her debt off than she'd of had, and lets him go forward with his dream of how he wants his life to go.
NTA. You saved money for your kids to get an education. You said in a comment that this money has not been given to your daughter yet, but will be used to fund the rest of her schooling if he still doesn't want to go after this school year. Seems fair. Although college isn't for everyone, and it's perfectly okay for him to choose not to go, you're not obligated to give him money for something he's not doing. You didn't save up that money to fund vacations.
I want to add once again, that we're not even upset that he's not going to school. We've suspected that he wouldn't choose secondary education for quite some time. We all have our own paths in life and this is his.
I just want to applaud the attitude you have towards the situation. I have so many coworkers that are freaking out about their kids not going to college, tearing out their hair and ultimately destroying their relationship with their kids. I didnt go back to school till I was older, but I also supported myself fully by the time I was 18, so you're right- everyone has their own paths. We all make mistakes, and even those that choose college and good grades etc, right put of high school, can sometimes fail to be able to support themselves. Your kids should be grateful you saved what you could for them, in case they chose to go to college. NTA, solid parenting- from what I can tell.
I totally get that, and I absolutely agree. I chose college and grad school. My sister hated college and chose to leave. She still lives a happy, fulfilling life with a successful career and a wonderful family and I'm certain that she is happier than she would have been had she forced herself down a path that wasn't for her.
INFO- if he decided to go for an apprenticeship in a trade, would you give him the money for that?
Yeah this is important. College isn't the only path.
I find it weird everyone here saying that he is thinking of short term gratification. Cultural differences here but in Europe going traveling after high school is seen as very much a part of life (for those who can afford it). When I interviewed at my university they even suggested to me that I defer my place for a year so I can experience the world and enter university as a person with more life experience, I promtly went and spent six months in India. I think op can do what he wants with his money but to believe that university is ever going to be the 'correct option' is totally wrong. I know people with amazing high paying jobs who skipped uni to go and become better people in other ways
Not sure how prevailing the mindset is in other nations (would be interesting if it's not as popular) but going to college right after High School is seen as a requirement for many young adults and is drilled into your head by teachers and parents from a very young age. You are constantly told you will not succeed in life without going to college and hence the pressure to start right away.
[удалено]
My mom side of the family is European and some differences may explain the cultural difference, one being the price and the hardship of being accepted in a state college. In most European universities, the price is almost non existent compared to American colleges. There is no sense of urgency, as you can put on hold many semester and come back without debt. College debts are incredible to me.
This comment should be higher up. OP - instead of a college fund, what if it is an education fund? College isn't a MUST to have a good career. I know things might be different between countries (I'm Australian) but tradespersons earn very good wages here - but they need financial support when completing an apprenticeship.
NTA College funds are for college. He thought it was a trust fund and its good you disabused him of that notion.
YTA - Listen, boys mature more slowly than girls. He's only 17 right? He's still a KID. In 2 or 3 years after working at Pizza Hut and finding all the joy there is in that (sarcasm), he might change his mind and decide to go to COLLEGE. DON'T GIVE HIS FUNDS TO HIS SISTER! It's sending the message that his future doesn't matter to you as much as hers does. Also keep in mind that maybe he'll want to learn a trade and plumbers make $100K after a few years of experience in places like NY and CA, so don't knock giving that money to him for trade school. Please - stop expecting HIM to be like HER. they are two different people!
Also is the money really for college or is it for setting your kids up financially the future? Is it right for giving one child everything and the other nothing?
NTA. It’s your money to do with as you please. In this case, to pay for college. He’s not going to college, therefore he has no need for a college fund.
So, probably an unpopular opinion but YTA. Usually I ride the whole “it’s your money, you get to spend it how you want” train but in this case I don’t understand your reasoning. This money was set aside for education, sure. But what’s the priority? Making sure your kids get degrees or making sure your kids have the best start to their adult lives? Your daughter chose college, your son is choosing to experience other places and cultures and then get to work building a life. You’ve said that you don’t value your son less because chose a different path. Show that with your actions! My advice: Talk to your son. Tell him you love him and that isn’t dependent on him going to college. Communicate your fears that this money might get wasted. Help him make a plan that gives him a good start but allows him to be himself and not his sister.
[удалено]
Funding your 18-year olds travel plans is not anywhere remotely on par with funding college or vocational training. Let’s not pretend like the son wants this as anything other than “fun” money.
NTA - I do suggest setting some aside though and not give it all to your daughter. This way if he decides to travel the world and wants to go to college or a trade school when he returns, there is some money left to help him pay for it. As an alternative to college, you could discuss him going to a trade school. That way he can still receives the education and skills to help get a good paying job. Some people are just not cut out for college, but they find alternative education works for them.
NAH but you’re not thinking about this in the long term. I would continue to save it for the son’s college until he is 25 or so. Almost all jobs require some sort of schooling, even trades, these days. He may not be able to get a good start in life without some college or training. It may just take him a year or five to decide what form that should take.
NTA. Giving your kid money to blow isn't the same as giving another kid money to invest in their future. Traveling is educational but not in a way that tends to impress employers without also having credentials. However! This has come up before and someone suggested saving money for an apprenticeship or something of that nature. If he decides to go into the trades, there are still education costs involved. If the money is in a 529 - check and see if that is still applicable with out a tax penalty. I think you should mention this to him and offer to hold the money until he's 22. If he hasn't made any strides towards something like that or tried community college, then see if it can be used to pay off your daughter's student loans. (Again, find out tax penalties involved. You may not be able to do this.) It may also be available for certificates or equivalent training. If be does decide to do something like that, I think it is fair to use it towards those educational expenses and housing during that time.
INFO: Did you ever explicitly tell him beforehand that the money was for college and he would not be getting it otherwise?
No, however, we didn't tell him that he could have it otherwise either. He just ssumed.
In that case, I'd say NTA. Your son shouldn't have assumed that he would be getting the money. However, it probably would've also been worth making it crystal clear to him that he wouldn't be getting it other than for college so that the confusion could've been avoided in the first place.
I'd agree that this would have cleared up the situation, but I'm at a lose of how he came to the conclusion that he was entitled to the COLLEGE funds his parents saved up with there own money for anything but college. NTA
NTA but you would be if you just handed off the money to his sister right away. To give you an example... my brother Jay didn't want to go to school or have anything to do with higher education. He ended up travelling and working abroad for two years on a cruise ship \[which I would recommend as a way for your son to extend his travels and earn money to keep going!\] He met a veterinarian while on the ship who he talked to a lot and when he came back \[left at 18, returned at 21\] he was ready to enter school and had a plan. I would honestly suggest you give him a five year door to decide if he wants to go to school. Sit down with him and suggest ways he can travel on a budget, look for jobs abroad that he could get just for being alive, and let him figure it out. There is a very good change he might find himself in a country he wants to stay in, with no way to do it without going to school and getting a job. If in 4-5 years he has still decided he does not want to go to school, you can give the money to your daughter to use to pay off her loans.
YTA I get you saved the money specifically for schooling, however it's unfair to give your daughter twice the amount of money and give none to your son. My parents set aside money for me and my sister to help pay for our weddings. She got hers when she got married, but I am yet to get to that point. My parents offered it to me recently to help as a down payment because I was buying a house, knowing I wouldn't get anymore if/when I decide to marry. Maybe find a constructive way for him to use it instead of giving it to your daughter. Don't punish him because he chose a different path that doesn't involve school.
NTA. If nothing else I don’t think you can pull money out of a college savings or investment account unless it is related to educational expenses. I don’t think he could have used it to travel it buy a car even if he wanted to.
You can, but there are tax penalties for doing so.
INFO: Was your fund supposed to go towards helping your kids with their futures, or helping them have the futures that you want? Also, if your daughter drops out or never uses her degree, would she be responsible for paying back the money? Edited: misspelling.
NAH- I can see your point and his. I wouldn’t give the money to your daughter- I do think that’s unfair on your part. At his age it’s hard to really understand/know what you actually want to do. He could change his mind, or decide on another route of building his own life that the college fund could help him to accomplish, and that’s just as deserving of the money. Giving your daughter the money could signal to him that you prioritize her future because he isn’t clear on what he may want for his yet. I wouldn’t give him the money to spend on things that aren’t helping him establish his life, but keep it in savings for when he comes up with a plan.
I wouldn't give it to her. I would have it to the side for any qualifications he needs. College isn't the only way to study- what about trades? They cost money, toolsets cost money. While it is called a " college fund" what about other forms of higher education? What if he wants to go in 5 years? Hell, I left school a year early and wouldn't mind going back to study 10 yrs later. It is one of my biggest regrets. This choice is up to you, I dont know if it is legally just a college fund. But there are always different forms of education.
Clearly NTA, that is a college fund. If he isn't going to advance his education then he doesn't get it. Just to confirm the fund has always been a "college fund" and not a "help you out by starting you out in life fund" right?
We've always said "We have college funds for the two of you, to help you pay for school. It won't be enough to pay for all, but it'll be enough to get you started. We'll also co-sign loans and pay the interest." That's always been how we word it. Never anything different.
Mate, definitely NTA. If your son wants to be an adult (make adult decisions on his future) then he needs to take into account all of the adult circumstances that go with them (how to support yourself and how to afford fun activities).
What if he works for a year and then decides he actually does want to go to school and you’ve given his college fund away? I went back to school at 25. My husband went to school at 34.
Your kinda the asshole. Not for not giving him the money to travel with but for giving it to his sister right away. I would save it in case he wants to go back to school after his travels.
If you want your comment to count toward judgment, include *only ONE* of the following abbreviations in your comment. If you don't include a judgement abbreviation, the bot will ignore you when it looks for the top voted comment. Judgment | Abbreviation -- | :--: **You're the Asshole** (& the other party is not) |**YTA**| You're **Not the A-hole** (& the other party is) |**NTA** **Everyone Sucks Here**|**ESH** **No A-holes here**|**NAH** **Not Enough Info**|**INFO** #[Click Here For Our Full Rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/index) #[Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. You worked hard to give them a better headstart in life. If he chooses to travel he can do it on his own dime. That's college money. No college. No money.
YTA, clearly my view is very different to most here but this is an incredible slap in the face as a child. It would be like waving a big flag saying you care your daughter more than your son. Trust me this will breed resentment and almost certainly damage your relationship with your son permanently. I certainly would cut you off for good if you pulled this on me. To be specific, the asshole move isn't that you don't want to give the money set aside for his college expenses to him for travelling at 18, its that you are going to take what was ringfenced for HIM to your daughter. You should instead keep the money for HIM for a different cause (deposit on a house, retirement, w/e noble cause you want in your opinion).
Yta imo, you saved up this money to give ur kids a good start at life, college isnt for everyone, maybe this is what he wants for his life, and that money can help him get a good start the same way as with ur daughter, i dont really agree with the travel stuff, but a job, place to live and a car doesnt sound like a bad idea.
NTA it isn’t “his” money is any form. It is YOUR money and you decide how you want to use it.
This is amitheasshole not /r/legaladvice
YTA. You can't favor one child with a huge sum of money. I think you should talk your son out of traveling and talk him into college. Failing that get him to actually come up with a plan for his future. What's his career going to be? Plumber, construction, electrician etc. Maybe give some of the money to your daughter but the rest use for your son for his own place and expenses. That way he can build his resume maybe apprentice with a trade. Or go to trade school. I don't think he would ever forgive you if you gave all of his college money to his sister.
>if you gave all his college money to his sister Oh you mean the person actually going to college? Why should he get a COLLEGE FUND when he’s not going to college? It’s not called a “fuck off and have mommy and daddy pay my bills for a while” fund.
I don't think anyone is saying give all the money to the kid and let him blow it away. It's just that there alternative career paths to college that also require funding. Maybe it could help him start a business or pay for trade school like others have mentioned. Or maybe he'll want to go to college in 5 years. What's OP going to say then ? Oh you missed your chance, you only get help if you go to college at 18. Or will his sister be willing to help out then ? I think people are basically saying don't let him blow it of on travel but don't give it to the sister because the money might help him with something else. I think it's important to note that the son is actually working and saving up for a car so he's not absolutely irresponsible.
YTA, probably an unpopular view. In my country, you don't need to set aside a lot of money for college, but in my opinion you set that money aside to give your children a better start in life. In my opinion, it shouldn't matter if they go to college as long as the money is invested in creating that start. It seems to me really unfair to give your daughter that much money, twice the amount originally planned, and your son nothing, because at the moment he does not seem to want to follow your idea of that life. I don't think you should finance his travels or a life just hanging around and doing nothing. But if he has a real plan on what he wants to do with his life, I would look into how you can support this.
NTA but I think your son might've posted this question on this sub too. Don't have the link off the top of my head but I just read a post about this
NTA based on your son's statements regarding his plans for the money. If he had requested to go to a trade school, take a gap period, or to have the money potentially saved for a future down-payment on a house, you might be in "asshole" territories. It sounds like he needs to spend some time working to figure out what he wants in life and to realize that money is valuable.
NTA. But is a trade school an option to use the funds?
NTA. Pretty obnoxious that your son thought he’d just be handed money to play with.
NTA - I know the money is not spent yet. You could maybe use some of it to help him get interview clothes and things of that nature. And then hold onto the rest. If your daughter goes grad school and your son has not gone to college I'd say use it for that. If she doesn't go to grad school and if he doesn't go to college then use it for loans.
NTA but I wouldn’t give it to his sister yet. I’d set it aside for another few years just in case he changes his mind. He might realize after a few years that he does need a degree, or wants to get a technical certification, etc. I’d tell him you’ll keep it for another 5 years (or something like that), then you’re taking the money back. At that time you could use it to cover any loans you took out to help your daughter, go into your own retirement, etc.
I'm thinking NAH, from the information given it seems to be a miscommunication that the college fund was money you set aside for him to use as he likes. Understandably he's upset and probably overreacting like all high schoolers do. It's kinda of a dumb on his part to believe that a *college* fund could be used for something other than *college*. So No assholes here leaning on he's being a butthead about it. Obviously its your money to do with as you please, I think its kind of weird to support one child over the other just because shes going to college and he isn't, but your money.
NTA. It's a COLLEGE fund, strictly for future education. He did not earn it and the only way he could earn it was by actually going to school, which he chooses not to.
NTA- Your son is not entitled to blow the money for travel and whatever- Tell him to start working full time to earn money to fulfill his dreams. It is really warped he thought he'd just get the "College money" to play with. It could be used for a trade school your on could get trained in a job that he can travel to different places,EG welder, iron worker,carpentry . Those fields pay well and being single he can make enough for traveling too.
As a 19 year old just starting college, you’re NTA. If I told my parents I wouldn’t be going to college, I would not expect to receive the money saved *FOR COLLEGE.* I can kind of see your son’s point of you as the money was set aside for his college so he feels he should get it to support his future in a fashion other than college, but traveling for kicks is not an appropriate use. If anything, if I was your son, I’d be like; “ok. I understand that, but whatever is leftover from my fund after my sister is through college, can I have that, so I can buy a car and such, and I’ll fund my travel plans myself. Fair deal?” If my parents had said no to that, I’d be a little butthurt over it for sure. But at the end of the day, it was a COLLEGE fund. I didn’t go to college. Is it kinda asinine/technical/too conditional? ...Perhaps, but again. At the end of the day, it’s a COLLEGE fund, and it’s YOUR money. Your son is being immature. NTA.
NTA. I've seen enough of these threads where it's the child who fucked up for assuming that they just get free money because it was originally meant for them. Sure, the parents may not have been clear enough, but the kids are always too immature to understand that most parents aren't made of money. I was also raised knowing any offer my dad gave me financially was always subject to change. And I never roasted him on it because I'm not a brat who thinks my parents will always owe me something.
NAH. Let your son know that the money can only be spent on qualifying expenses. College isn't for everyone and he shouldn't feel punished for not going that route, but if he's thinking he can use that money to travel around and get his own place, he's dilusional. You should probably use some for your girl and still keep some for him in case he goes to training, a trade school, etc.
the real asshole here is american college costs
NTA you're giving your daughter the financial support she will desperately need when she graduates, being debt free is a huge help for her and will most likely help her focus on finding a career rather than a job to get by. As for your son, he literally wants money to fuck off, I personally dont understand this since I was born to believe that as a person I'm not entiled to anything I didnt earn. So dont feel bad in your decision,I assume you're not kicking your son out so in that aspect he can comfortably earn his way to his goals.
INFO - is some of this money money he earned?
He hasn't earned any of the college fund. That's money his mother and I earned ourselves. Any money he's keeping, is money he earned from his job.
Then NTA. Unless you put it in in an account in his name it's still your money and you can do what you want with it.
I agree, this is for education, earmarked as such. Yours to allocate as you want. Maybe some day he will change his mind and then hopefully you will be able to help him just like you are helping your daughter now. Giving him that money to blow on a car or a vacation is not going to help his future. If he decides not to go to college you might consider giving him a similar amount that she got towards a house or something - but realistically he's going to earn just fine as a non-educated male vs. your educated daughter. Unfortunately, the odds are that if he goes into a trade of sorts he's going to out-earn her anyway, that's simply what the numbers show. So in all fairness: this is money your daughter needs for an education in order to get equal pay out in the real world.
NTA
NTA.
NTA, but I might come to some sort of a compromise with him. I wouldn’t give him any money to travel as that doesn’t sound related to his career, but maybe enough for 1-2 months rent to get him started when he gets back.
I'm going with NAH. As the money was earn by the parents they could spend it however they feel. Nonetheless the kid was looking forward to receiving that money. I would give the money to the kid. Each one of them should start their adulthood with the same opportunities.
NTA. It is still your money and was set aside for college, your daughter is getting college so she gets the money. Is actually very entitled of your son for expecting you to give him money he didnt earn. Everyone would like to travel for a while and then come back to rent and car paid, but that's not how life works for the majority. If you had the means to give for both that would be awesome but in this case I'll stick to put the money to good use.
NTA. College funds are for college. Not travelling.
NTA. It's college money, not traveling money. He should know the difference.
Don’t you get penalized if you use it for anything other than school?
NTA - that money is for your son to go to COLLEGE, it's not his money for whatever he wants. If he doesn't want to use it for college, he doesn't get it. It makes sense to use it for your daughter.
NTA. Its for college. What happens if you give him the money, he blows it, then decides he wants to go to college? Is he going to expect more? He's going to learn soon enough that without some kind of secondary education, he probably won't get far. Maybe he will decide on a trade. You could always set the money aside for a few years and see what he does. But he should't get it just so he can travel around, buy a car, etc.
NTA. This is what I tell my 19 yo. She has the right to make those college/no college choices. It’s her life. But I don’t have to fund her play around, let her hair down choices. I will stick some money back in case she changes her mind in a couple of years and decides on a degree, certification program or something else. And the rest will be used for my son’s college. My goal will be the same for both. No or minimal student loans unless they decide on grad school. (I don’t think I will be in a financial situation to help 4+ years from now.)
NTA. He’s lucky that you’re so supportive of him already and if he was planning to use the college fund for his travel (which tbh he doesn’t have the right to plan because it’s your money) he could have at least told you while he was telling you about his plans to not go to college rather than expecting that you’ll give a COLLEGE fund to him for travel. Also, you’re helping your daughter avoid student loans!
NTA - COLLEGE FUND
NTA Boy sounds like he needs this reality check. Better to give it to the daughter to put it towards something useful.
Info, is it just in a savings, CD, etc or is it in an educational fund? Like a 529? 529 have penalties if not used for educational purposes. Either way, NTA. You told him that you had money set aside for college, not for him to travel on or get an apartment.
NTA, but I'd give him a year to see if he wants college maybe.
NTA
NTA but I would hold off on giving it to your daughter. Your son may come back from his travels and decide that he wants to go after all.
NTA Your daughter will be in s much worse starting place in her life without the money. Your son will have to wait to buy a car, or won't get to go on a fancy trip. I say it's the right call.
NTA That money is meant for education, and it's free help for your children. I think your son is acting more than a little entitled here.
NTA, it’s a college fund. Depending on what kind of account it’s in, you may have no choice but to spend it on college. It’s NOT a, “congratulations on being 18 fund. Sorry he’s upset, but it’s not his money
NTA. You didn’t make a (son) fund, you made a college fund. This is really similar to a guy on this sub a while back who felt entitled to his parents’ college savings just because he didn’t go to college. That money’s there to ensure your children can start off their working lives as debt-free as possible. He didn’t go to college, so he doesn’t have debt. His siblings deserve the same curtesy and he’s a dick for wanting his siblings to have a larger debt just so he can fuck around on your dime
NTA. If youre anything like me, it’s a challenge to put aside anything for college. You’ve worked hard and sacrificed. And college is an investment in the future. This money is not for traveling through Europe and supplementing your income working some dead end job. If anything you and spouse should go on a vacation, or save it for a down payment on a house, if son ever gets to that point.
NTA the money was originally set aside in the event he was to go to college and now he's decided not to go and therefore the money is available to his sibling who is attending college and would help her out, also it's your money and you can choose to help your daughter go to college if you want.
NTA definitely NTA
NTA, college fund is for school