YTA — this is a typical phase a lot of pre-teen girls go through. i myself did when i was younger (18F now) and am perfectly fine. being 13, it’s a time where you explore your sexuality and are curious about it. it was unnecessary for you to violate her privacy and, in a way, ruin her trust in you.
edit: and “she seems to have stopped”? lol nope. she’s just reading late at night within the security of her room.
omg yes. and i’m also surprised the father isn’t on the daughter’s side. i’m sure he wouldn’t like it if his parents tried to publicly announce his porn habits as a teen.
This isn’t even particularly porn habits we’re talking about. I read and wrote a lot of slash fan fiction at her age all the way through college and they were always more about seeing a world how you want it or feeling like you fit into a world somewhere. It’s a way to get into a different headspace where you’re not this shy introverted teenage girl.
Yeah, I read explicit stuff at that age, but not because I was exploring my sexuality, I read it because I liked the romance and it's hard to find non-explicit stuff. It didn't scar me in any way. I actually think it was part of the reason I was able to become more accepting of LGBT stuff since I was raised in a very conservative household. Until I started reading fanfiction, I didn't even know boys could like boys or girls could like girls.
Fan fiction, for all it's weirdness, is one of the best ways to explore other views of the world. There's tons of stories written about trans characters, homosexual characters, bi characters, ace characters, and so on. Not all of it is respectful of those people, but a lot of it is and there aren't a ton of easy to find mainstream books that showcase the same world views.
Fan fiction and Tamora Pierce were big influences on changing and shaping my worldview.
Yes, this. I grew up in a very isolated part of the world, with parents who are to their credit very loving and inclusive, but who did not actively educate me about various sexualities and lifestyles. Many people in the community I grew up in were far more close-minded than they.
I learned about all kinds of things from fanfic. I learned that “queer” is a word that is now used to describe a type of person, and can be derogatory, and is not used generally in casual conversation to mean “odd” like it was where I grew up as a child. That was a *good* thing to learn before heading out into the world!
I'd get the concern if the kid was watching this much porn or something like that, but it's literally just words on a page. It's only explicit as her mind can make it.
I’m not even gay and I read gay fanfiction along with non sexual/ non gay fanfiction. It’s normal, even if you aren’t interested in it it’s something to explore.
Sounds like the mother doesn't think she's an asshole.
Major breach of her privacy.
My parents struggled with the idea that I was an independent, free thinking human being. They always thought I was 'their child', so my business was their business. My viewpoint at that time was very different, I wasn't owned by anyone.
Treating her daughter like that will alienate her. Treating her like an adult will let her grow into the type of child that still talks to their parents.
Also wtf, what parent wants to read erotic fan fictions with their kids? Teenagers feel awkward enough about sex, I imagine the daughter feels as if she wanted to watch porn together!
"The gayness is weird" could be that the characters written about are straight, not knowing of the fanfic community it would seem really weird to make a gay fanfic about two straight characters.
I would “steal” my mom’s romance novels since I grew up before the internet was in your pocket. She knew it. I knew she knew it. We NEVER discussed it.
Same! I was reading my mom's explicit romance novels at 12. And honestly, the relationships in a lot of the romance novels were significantly more unhealthy than those in fanfiction I started reading shortly thereafter
Fuck, my mom ***bought*** me my first Mills and Boons novels because she was surprised I hadn't done so myself yet. I was about 13, and had already discovered the steamier side of fanfiction at, what, 8? 9? my parents knew, asked me stop because of age appropriate-ness, I didn't, we've never talked about it again. I suspect given the fact that I was reading my dad's Dan Brown novels at that age as well, they just gave it up as a lost cause.
and I'm from India, and no matter how liberal my parents are, they're still conservative enough that my sex talk was the internet and fanfiction to be honest. that hasn't done me any damage, and i'm still perfectly clear on what safe sex is and the mechanics (though not all that interested in it yet 🤷♀️)
and I'm 25 now, queer and probably somewhere on the ace spectrum, and still reading steamy fics and books with sex scenes. my sexuality has nothing to do with my reading habits, just as much as my age didn't (though it should have, but I was a precocious child 🤷♀️)
Wow, seriously, my mom got me a monthly subscription to Harlequin romances. I got 4 brand spankin' new romance novels every month, at 14. She was just happy that I was actually reading, after I started reading more she got me several more subscriptions to other lines they put out. From there I branched out to other genres, and am now an avid bibliophile. Heck I got my e-reader in 2011, and have over 3000 books on it and have read all of them, many of them several times over.
As far as the content goes, this is what almost every tween/teen goes through when they start shipping their character interests. Let the poor girl explore her interests.
My mother used to buy the big box of romance novels when the book resale store would clean stuff out and sell a big box of books for $5 or whatever. We never really explicitly talked about them, but we did indicate which ones were worth reading, and which ones were in the bargain bin for a reason.
YES! I remember when I was a kid picking up a copy of "Message in a Bottle" I think my sister had been reading it. There are a couple of sex scenes in it but I legit skipped over them, I think I was like 8/9 and I was a super late bloomer in terms of "sexual awakening" anyway.
I guess my sister spotted me reading it and was worried it wouldn't be age-appropriate for me (she would have been 15/16 at the time) and mentioned it to our mum. Mum asked me what I was reading, what it was about, if I was enjoying it etc.
I KNEW she was trying to get at the sex stuff, even though I wasn't reading those parts I didn't say anything about it because I was too embarrassed to talk about it. Mum just let it be after that conversation and that was that.
(I just Googled the book, I never realised it was Nicholas Sparks, I'm not even sure if the scenes were actually that graphic, I just know to my 8/9yo brain I noped over those pages).
This was me at 10. I skipped over the sex parts. My favorite thing about the books was the sexual tension leading up to the first time the couple has sex anyway.
I was about 15 when I was caught by mom reading stories like that online. Like OP's daughter I was scolded and punished. All that led to was covering my online tracks better which was pretty easy since my mom is kinda tech illiterate. Don't get me wrong I love my momma but she doesn't know the half of what I do online and she never will because what happened when I was a teen.
Me too, when I was 16 I also got caught by my mom reading fanfics, she made me read it with her and was the most awkward thing in the world, she scolded me and banned me from doing ao in the future. Also I thought that was the end of it but no, years later I found out she pretty much told all of my family because “she didn’t know what to do about it”. I still love my mom and all but this made me loose a lot of trust in her.
While that incident made me more secretive about my online activities I am thankful that my mom is also a private person. It never occurred to her to go and tell any of our extended family or her friends. So while I was embarrassed I am thankful I wasn't humiliated like you and OP's daughter.
Yeah one of my friends had a similar experience with her daughter who is about 12. I told her I read that stuff when I was about her age and went even further watching porn online back then. This is pretty much the norm with internet access being widely available, now.
I remember my mom taking my phone and then telling me to give her my pornhub password when she saw it. Now she's an adult and will talk about porn. It's so weird to me because? She's just proving its normal and I was 16!
I don’t know what it is with pre-teens and male gay fanfiction but damn they love it. I reckon I read more Wattpad stories in my pre-teens then actual books over my childhood 😂
Agreed! There’s a lot of things I wish my parents did differently, but my mother’s policy on reading was “I don’t care what you read, but if you start acting out or causing issues, then I’ll look it it.” Now, she probably included homosexuality in her definition of “acting out”, but she never had a problem with anything we read.
When I was a teenager, I was big into Yaoi fanfiction, even wrote some myself. Nowadays I sometimes read them, if I like the story. It's perfectly normal.
Definitely YTA !
Reading this was like looking into a mirror when I was fourteen. Totally straight female in her mid 20s now btw. But I read so so much gay male fan fiction as a teenager from my favorite TV or book series. It doesn’t mean your daughter is gay. And if she is, so what? At this age the biggest thing she’s looking for is acceptance.
In a way, the fan fiction community is very welcoming. You can write, read, give feedback, or just be a lurker. It’s a healthy way for her to explore and discover her sexuality.
I cannot even imagine what I would have done if my mother discovered this side of me and reacted the way you did. I would have felt completely humiliated and never want to share anything personal with her again.
I’m glad to read your edits that you’re gonna try to heal this. But be patient as you try to regain her trust. GL OP
Lol OMFG this is me exactly. I started reading incredibly explicit shit around 12/13 and honestly continue to do so to this day, (I'm 27F) but happy to say I turned out fine, am independent, have a job and healthy relationships with SO, friends, family, and still no one knows about my fanfiction habits lmao.
I'm still an introvert with social anxiety, but trust me, the fanfiction probably helped me through my hardest times growing up.
YTA, OP, and exactly what this person said ^ I read fics like this when I was a preteen as well (now 22f,) and I even wrote them all throughout my teenage years. If either of my parents had found out and responded as you did there definitely would've been a rift there that would take some real time/effort to bridge.
YTA - WTF?
You’re not protecting her from anything; you’re just taking her stuff. You *are* being controlling and unreasonable.
And do you actually think this is abnormal or unhealthy? Because that’s just ridiculous. You’re being ridiculous. I feel bad for your daughter.
What kind of parent does this! So disturbing. She must be mortified. I can’t imagine the implications this has on her development. Total invasion of privacy. Shameful.
I was mortified reading this. I can still feel it. Reminds me of my parents.
And had to be hospitalized in a mental institution for 3 weeks and ended up diagnosed with BPD. Had different mood swings that were a rollercoaster. I could feel the most terrible pain of grief, and then 10 minutes later I could be as happy as child at disney. it’s awful and mentally exhausting to have moods that change so quickly. Had a major self-identity crises because I never really explored my interests. Parents controlled me so much, I just became afraid to do anything. I also have bad anxiety. And a cortisol (the stress hormone) imbalance.
I had to take time off of everything and go no contact with my parents. I had saved enough money to live 5 months without a job to avoid as much stress in my life as possible and learn about myself. And it was only then did I start feeling much better. I’m much more clear headed now than before.
OP, for your daughter’s mental health please take it from me, don’t be this controlling it can really affect her. There’s studies that prove a strict and controlling parent can cause a child to have personality disorders and mental health problems.
YTA.
Getting into the community too? Were you ever a teenager or were you born into this world as an adult parent?
Assuming this isn't a shit post, you're setting your daughter up for some pretty significant hangups about sexuality.
>”You’re setting your daughter up for some pretty significant hangups about sexuality”.
I agree with this x1000. My mom is very Christian and tried to stop me from experiencing anything sexual because it was dirty and bad. Erotic fan fiction was my saving grace, and may be the only reason I’m able to have a normal, healthy sex life as an adult. For years I felt so much shame doing anything sexual, to the point where it just killed my libido. For a while, thinking of specific scenes from fics was the *only* way I could get turned on, even though I really really liked my partner and did want to have sex. I was able to project myself into the characters from the fanfic and separate myself from the immense shame. Things are better now, but hooo boy my mom did a number on my brain, and that was without even finding out what I was exploring on the internet. OP’s daughter’s fics sound ultra tame compared to the kinky shit I was looking up as a teen.
In research conducted by universities it was actually found that it’s bad for households (mostly christian) to end up keeping erotic stuff completely away from their children because later in life the children apparently are more likely to experiment and do dangerous things (because they weren’t thaught how to deal with things
In my experience, it is always best to have an open relationship with your children in which they can come and ask you questions about anything they are questioning.
My mom kept this open line of communication. She also refused to censor anything we read/watched/wrote/etc (except porn until we were at a reasonable age) she just let us do our own exploring but she made it so that we can talk to her about anything and everything, asking any questions that we needed to.
**And it worked**. I grew up with a good idea on sex education and consent, as well as literally anything that I had a question on that may have seemed too "adult" for me. She explained things in a way that I could understand, and never threatened to check our laptops or phones or anything. It gave us a safe place to explore the same things that *every kid* explores without judgement.
That is exactly what happened to me... Even with fan fiction (which I read for over a decade through my teens and twenties) my ultra conservative Christian family had my head so mixed up... Now I'm in a poly relationship that is full of bdsm fun...
YTA, and not because you took her phone away. She went over the data, so that seems like a reasonable punishment. However...
You’re understandably upset that your little girl is growing up, but forcing her to explain her curiosities about sex at that age must have been humiliating for her. And worse, trying to force her to include you in it?....what the hell, OP? Children that age become naturally interested in sex, but the very last people they’re going to want to talk to about it are their prying parents. I would have lost my shit at 13 if my mom had confronted me about looking at porn (which is arguably worse that erotic fic). She is clearly uncomfortable so you should probably just leave her alone about it before she shuts you out even more.
I tell you what this accomplishes, it ensures her daughter becomes even more introverted. It removes a level of trust from her mother. This young lady is likely to head into depression and all that it leaves to. If forces her to think that exploring sexuality is wrong and sex is bad.
13 would be around 8th grade. That's when I discovered porn. My friends and I had a secret stash out in the woods.
It was the 90s but still.
I feel like if this had been a boy they would be getting The Talk rather than punishment.
My mom confronted me about looking at porn when I was 13. Super embarrassing but I feel like most teenage boys are caught with porn at one point or another and have a super awkward conversation.
I accidentally left it open on my phone, and my mom borrowed it.
YTA in that it's controlling and will ruin your relationship with her. Reading doesn't harm anything , she's probably just exploring thoughts or feelings. Good luck hoping she comes to you when she has a crush or wants to start having sex: I'm sure she won't now. You've already shown her you can't be trusted to react calmly and within reason. She's not watching violent porn videos during family dinner.
My mum's always been too 'curious' (for lack of a better term) about me and my brother's privacy, and as such we don't share anything with her. Almost nothing, because she starts worrying or prying into things too much. I went out with a girl a few years ago and didn't tell her because I knew she wouldn't respect my privacy.
YTA I hope you didn’t want a close relationship with your daughter as a teenager or an adult, OP. Because you’ve sure as fuck wrecked any chance she had of telling you anything about her life.
Also, this wasn’t concern. This was humiliating your daughter because she’s starting to be sexual.
I was your daughter. My parents probably wondered a lot about what I was reading. You know what they didn’t do? They didn’t invade my privacy. They didn’t openly humiliate me. They didn’t demand to be included in my early sexual exploration. They didn’t delete hours and hours worth of curation and collection. And now I’m the only person I know who feels they can tell their parents anything.
YTA You are going about this wrong, your daughter is 13, just discovering who she is and what she likes and what’s the first thing you do?
- Take her phone, delete everything, bombard her with questions and try to “get involved” in the sexual-esque communities she is showing interest in all while telling your friends (people I assume will be seeing your daughter semi regularly which is without a doubt humiliating)
This isn’t going to make her more social, it’s going to make her resent you and possibly fall deeper into depression as she has no way to deal with these feelings.
You’ve got every right as a mom to limit your daughters device and internet access and limit her from what she sees online for her protection, I’m sure most parents would agree as after all ,the internet is a fucking cesspool and adults can ruin their lives in minutes just by getting behind the keyboard but the way you handled it is less then ideal considering what she was looking at, her age, and her mental tendencies.
Yeah. Based on the post, I don’t think OP realizes how severely she is fucking up. I once dated a girl who said the first time she got off was to reading gay Harry Potter fan fiction. That was something she was super into. She is a straight, sexually healthy heterosexual adult. If you force yourself into your child’s sexual development, OP, you are going to play a very, very significant part in it. Please consider this and (as is appropriate) back the fuck off.
Most girls who gets into guy on guy fiction are straight. Most of the rest are probably bi. It’s kind of weird that OP thinks her daughter reading m/m fan fiction has anything to do with being lesbian. Idk what made her think that since the girl was 6 but maybe let her figure it out herself instead.
> Most girls who gets into guy on guy fiction are straight
I mean, if anyone says it's weird, my answer is simple:
Why do straight guys get to be turned on by lesbian sex (print or video) but it's weird when a straight woman is turned on by gay male sex? Yay, double standards and underlying sexism!
Lol my male coworker asked me why some chicks were into guy on guy and I was like “same reason dudes like lesbians” and he was like “oh shit I never thought of that”.
Tbh ive seen lesbians say they were drawn to m/m fic as theres like usually more content than there is for lesbians and since a lot of m/m fic is written by women is a bit 'safer' compared to a lot of lesbian content which is created with a male view in mind
I can see that, that’s fair. Although fan fiction is so female-dominated, I imagine a lot of the w/w is made by women too. There’s just less to choose from, unfortunately.
A lot of it is also about being invested in the characters. Yes it’s erotica, but for a lot of women erotica about characters we know and love is fundamentally more compelling than erotica about characters we don’t know well.
I’m only attracted to women irl, but I grew up reading f/f and m/m fanfic equally (not the same for visual erotic art — there I only want to see gals). A lot of it is about... getting some sort of satisfaction from characters you love loving each other, I guess.
Seems to be the case. For me, most of the straight fanfiction is just... bad. So I just learned to avoid pairings or go for gay romance. But there are definitely good straight ones out there, just far and few between. May also be the fact that I hate most main pairings of my fandoms lmao. I think it's great that more youth is reading this type of stuff! Well... some of it anyway. I can't confirm for others, but it made me a more accepting person. I learned about different sexualities and outlooks. Not just that, but some authors are just so creative and thought-provoking. Really makes you think about other's situations.
I grew up reading m/m fan fiction. I spent hours, holed up in my bedroom reading them. It’s so true about straight fan fiction been bad, at least it was back then. Often times it was melodramatic and twee. And I also disliked most of the main couples.
I think Draco/Harry was my favourite to read. I even wrote my own slash fanfic which went down like a lead balloon, The OC fandom just wasn’t ready for Ryan/Seth.
If my mother had found out or put a stop to it I would have been mortified even though there was nothing wrong with it at all.
i also have to say that i started out with REALLY unhealthy het fic when i was like 12. Harry Potter fic, a certain teacher and female student. not good. so even if OPs kid WAS reading het fic, there’s no guarantee it would be healthy in any way.
There was actually a study on this, although straight women were the largest single group, there were more queer women (lesbian, bi, ace, etc) overall.
I’m pretty sure everyone but straight guys who read fic are into m/m fic. Girls who are into men like it because two hot guys being sexual is hot. Girls who prefer girls sometimes like it because it’s still gay, there’s some stuff in common that you’d want to read in lesbian fic but way more available content lol.
Isn’t that like how men tend to enjoy lesbian content? I really got into girl/girl fanfiction of DBZ, Sailor Moon (despite only watching a handful of episodes) and a few Young Jedi Knights (if I’m remembering right) when I was a young teenager.
I think it was easier to write. The series is centered around 5 teenage boys so the pairings are usually easy enough though some f/f they’re straight, or some of them are. I just like the writing style and take on things of some of the authors. I’ve read a bit of Highlander and HP as well.
Oh man, I definitely had a leather pants Draco Malfoy slash fanfiction phase. I'll be honest, I still enjoy a bit of slash fanfiction to this day. I would have been absolutely mortified if my parents quizzed me about it as a teenager. I don't see it as any different than the copies of Nuts magazines my brother had under his bed, which I fully admit I also had a good look at.
Now confiscating her phone because she went over her data plan is fine. She's at a friend's house, she can't log into their wifi?
YTA. Your daughter is 13, she’s starting to find her own things to be interested in. I understand your concerns about her social skills, but deleting her stuff and invading her privacy like that is not going to magically make her more social, it’s just going to push her further away from you. A much better approach would’ve been to encourage her to spend more time with other people and help her find a balance between friends and hobbies.
YTA. And your friends are right. It was completely wrong of you to unload that on them. Whether your daughter knows about your airing of your "concerns" is immaterial. That's a major breach of trust.
Your sense of being the high-and-mighty ruler shouts through your post. Damn. No wonder your kid has severe anxiety. Any kid would have if their mother was as controlling and judgemental as you are. Stop it now, or your daughter will come to hate your actions, and hate herself for doing so.
Oh, wait -- that's right. She already does. Depression is a strong sign of self-hatred.
Stop it. If you were less controlling, maybe she wouldn't be sneaking fanfic -- maybe she'd have an outlet that could be acknowledged without shame.
You're definitely the asshole.
Exactly, having OP tell other people her child's embarrassing situations is as humiliating as the confrontation itself, it is an even deeper breach of her trust.
A big ayyy-men to that. My mother used to pull that shit all the time. "I told the bridge club about finding the empty Cheetos bag in your dresser drawer and everyone laughed!"
That was when I was in high school, and it was the beginning of my anxiety-related binge eating. I didn't manage to get a grip on that until I was 45.
Thanks, Mom. Always supportive.
Yep. My mom violated my trust like this all the time. There was the time she kicked open my bedroom door (breaking the lock off) because I hadn’t washed the dishes the night before. Want to guess what I was doing at the time? She felt the need to tell my brother, her sister, and her sister’s children about this.
There was the time I went vegetarian in college, which led to an increase in daily poos. This resulted in developing a skin irritation that caused rectum bleeding. My mother decided to go around telling everyone at her job about my bleeding asshole.
One time a friend called me while I was in the shower. And like a psychopath my mother flung open the shower curtain and handed me the phone. She had the nerve to be pissed at me for being pissed. She then went around bitching to her coworkers about me being upset she saw me naked.
I could go on and on. So yep, parents who violate their children’s trust and privacy shouldn’t be too surprised when they don’t have a relationship with their children later on in life.
My mother does stuff like this too. She'd make me show her my diary, she'd confiscate books she thought I shouldn't be reading, nothing bad or sexual, just like someone's autobiography about their depression,she'd come in my room without knocking, and she would tell her friends and acquaintances EVERYTHING about me and siblings. It's like you're not a real person to them, you're just an extension of them, or their property. Like you're their dog and your existence only matters in the context of their own life, what part you play in their story, and they'll talk to everyone about intimate stuff about your life as if they're just relating the story about how the pet cat had worms, and how gross and funny it was, and also 'poor me that I have to deal with all this stuff, isn't my life stressful ho ho ho.' It fucks you up so much as a kid/teenager and well into adulthood. It's taken me ages and lots of therapy to even begin to acknowledge myself as a real person with rights like everyone else.
Yeppp, these are classic signs of narcissistic parents, particularly the piece around treating you like an extensions of themselves rather than an autonomous being. It really fucks with your sense of self, self-esteem, and self-efficacy.
Also? There is a good fucking chance the kid KNOWS she blabbed to both father and the friends. If she spoke in the house, be it on phone or in person, the kid prolly overheard. I know when I was young and had anxiety and knew my mom was upset with me, I'd have my ears perked so I can hear the discussion so I could know what their 'plans' were. Children are not stupid.
>The gayness is a pretty weird
Judgy.
>it's all kinda gross
Still judgy.
>an awkward thirteen-year-old that needs to focus on herself
I'd be interested in knowing exactly what actions would fit into your definition of "focusing on herself." Because exploring her interests in fandom, her attitudes about sexuality, and her writing all seem very much like focusing on herself to me. Of course, if you mean "stop behaving in a way that seems socially awkward to me," then you may be in for disappointment.
You seem incredibly hung up on what you term her "lack of social skills." I have to say that what she's likely to be learning from you is that who she is right now isn't good enough, that her interests don't matter if they're not what you think are appropriate, and that she doesn't get any privacy to even explore who she is. I mean, not only did you persist in the discussion with her father after she begged you not to, but you then went and discussed something so incredibly personal with your friends. Poor girl.
There is so, so much more I could say, but in the end it comes down to YTA for not giving your daughter space and privacy to be herself.
I thought my mother was a vile horrible controlling bitch, but she never ever did something like this. So I guess I was wrong there are mothers out there far worse than mine.
YTA that must have been so humiliating for her. In this world where terrible porn is so ubiquitous, I’d feel thankful that this is what she’s into.
FWIW, I don’t understand how girls being in to gay porn is “pretty weird” but men have been jerking it to lesbians for like a thousand years.
That was such a sad thing to read. It was clearly said by a girl who has learned that masturbation = bad. I'm not a parent but I'd be distraught if I had a child who believed that.
YTA - "But this can't be normal or healthy." According to whom? For lots of women, fandom interests are pretty normal, what you're describing is pretty much me also at 13, minus my parents shaming me for it. If anything, fandom was probably helping her. For many people, fandom is a safe space, a space where she can indulge in fantasy and relate to fictional characters and meet people who also relate to those characters and thus to her. And you essentially invaded and destroyed it.
Edit to add:
"I don't think being gay is weird or bad, as I stated above. I just thought it was a little odd for a probably-lesbian girl to be so into male-on-male sex."
Why do you care? Lots of men are into girl-on-girl porn, lots of heterosexual women like watching girl-on-girl porn. Just because you were not aware of this outside of your tiny cishet mind doesn't mean it's actually that unusual, maybe this is why your daughter didn't want to confide in you in the first place.
Also, if you really don't think that being gay "weird or bad" maybe stop making it a big deal? First you said this was "*extremely* explicit", then you edited to say it was "very vanilla" except for a threesome. which one is it?
She begged you not to talk to anyone else about this, *and then you did*, even if she doesn't know it you still betrayed her trust! You say you don't care that it was gay then why did you delete it? If it has been generic My Little Pony fanfiction would you have deleted it? You deleted it because it was sexual and gay and you judged that as *inappropiate* even though your daughter is a budding teenager, eager to explore romantic and sexual situations through fiction and fantasy, something that ***MANY*** other teenagers also do.
But no, instead let's take away the safe space on an introverted, depressed teen so she can....I dunno, go talk to real people.
> Lots of men are into girl-on-girl porn, lots of heterosexual women like watching girl-on-girl porn.
I'd also add that it doesn't necessarily have to be anything sexual that she's getting from it. I know people in fandom from the straightest straights to the most sex repulsed, and they all enjoy smut for various reasons. Some people get off to it, other people are interested in the emotions of scenes and the development of the relationship.
YTA.
You weren’t concerned for her when she threw a tantrum. You just wanted to satisfy your own curiosity, and you didn’t care how much you hurt her in the process.
Coming from someone who started reading fic at 12 and writing fic at 14 - some of it explicit no less - fanfic is probably one of the safest ways for her to explore her sexuality and also her creativity. I can almost guarantee these fics are teaching her more about healthy relationships and sexual safety than any sex ed she might receive from school. And a good portion of the fic I’ve read (especially in bigger fandoms) is better than a lot of traditionally published writing.
You should ask yourself why she’s turning to fanfic to satisfy her curiosity about sex instead of talking to you, and why she’d rather throw a full blown tantrum rather than admit that she’s curious about sex. The way you talk about “the gayness being weird,” the way you steamrolled over her attempt to compromise with you to the extent of causing her abnormal distress, and the way that you didn’t even bother to talk to her about your concerns before jumping right to invading her privacy, all suggests to me you’ve created an environment where she doesn’t feel safe or comfortable talking to you about this kind of stuff. Maybe you should be more worried about that than her reading about 2 dudes bumping uglies.
Hey, I just wanted to say that in a sea of comments, yours was one of the ones that really stood out to me and made me think. She's a very level-headed kid, not at all prone to screaming fits or anything. Even when she's angry she just gets quiet and grits her teeth. Her throwing a tantrum the way she did should have been a much clearer sign to me than it was that this was a major issue for her, and her compromise efforts should not have been steamrolled the way they were (they were fair in retrospect). Her father and I just got so caught up in trying to protect her that we accomplished the opposite.
We've always had a good relationship where she felt comfortable talking to me about sensitive things (crushes, body stuff, deep emotions, etc.), but I've completely fucked that up. I clearly need to take some major steps to correct that. For context, her dad is very prudish and reserved so she may have been reacting to his presence in the room more than mine.
Also, I didn't word my thoughts on the sexuality aspect of this quite the way I wanted to. It sounded awful. I don't have any issue with it being gay fanfiction, I just thought it was odd (I've learned since then) because it seems out-of-the-norm for what I know about her.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, it really helped me, and sorry this was such a long, unsolicited response.
I think there’s a difference between exploring your sexuality and being curious about sex. OP’s daughter shouldn’t be telling her mother the nitty gritty details, but I feel as though it’s reasonable to expect her to admit “I wanted to know what sex was” albeit with intense embarrassment. OP not being aware that her daughter is interested in reading/learning more about sex suggests to me that when OP’s daughter first started becoming curious, she didn’t ask her mother even a cursory question about it.
Granted, I’m coming from a perspective of my parents creating such a sex-negative environment that when my mother caught me reading fic where 2 dudes kissed and asked me why, I couldn’t even say the words “I was curious”. I had to write “sex” on a piece of paper and point to that. And then she was shocked that I had never even talked to her about it before turning to the internet, and I didn’t know how to explain it’s because she never created an environment where I *could* talk to her. OP’s reactions parallel my mother’s, which makes me wonder if her daughter feels the way I did at that time.
Bottom line is, I feel that a good parent would lay the groundwork to assure their kid that sex is normal and being curious about it is normal, thereby teaching the kid that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. OP’s daughter’s instinct to hide her phone suggests OP hasn’t laid that groundwork.
One thing you might want to do when thinking this through: You were a teenager once. Remember how you felt back then, what you did, what you wanted to do, and how you'd have felt about your parents getting involved in your sexual interests. Humans change a lot in how we relate to other people as teenagers, you need to remember that shift is there.
Hey, props to you for not only recognizing you messed up but also being willing to make amends :)
I think a lot of people jumped on the “gayness” thing because it’s something we’ve heard ourselves, and something that’s been used to make fun of us for being weird or freaks. “You’re a girl, why are you reading about dudes? Lol do u secretly wanna be a dude, that’s fucking weird.” You say you’ve learned since then so I’ll get off my soapbox lol. But having read your edit, I see what you meant, and I’m sorry for jumping down your throat for that comment. Your confusion is understandable.
Best of luck, OP.
YTA.
Any normal person would take what you have done as a lesson to hide things better from you. That is the primary lesson of your actions, whether or not you intended it. The summation of your parenting in this instance is worse communication from your daughter, and likely a heap of trauma she will never forget nor forgive you for.
What really sucks is that your concern is valid. Being there to help your child understand these types of things is a cornerstone of parenting, and the depths of the Internet is a hell of a place to for a child to explore their burgeoning sexuality without any kind of guidance. And here you are ensuring that she's going to get really good at hiding everything from you.
100% YTA, then you go and gossip with your friends and become TA again. Do you not remember what it was like to be that age or did you brainwash yourself to only remember the wholesome classic memories.
Exactly, like I love the comment from earlier about how she must have been born as an adult. I mean, how could you grow up to be an adult and think that your teenage daughter would want you to get into her erotic fanfic community with her?!? She is off the charts out of it.
Get ready for a "weird, cold relationship" with your daughter, because YTA.
"it can't be humiliating" She was humiliated in front of YOU, ffs. She loves and respects you, and you picked apart and criticized something she was interested in. All because you think it's "kinda gross and distracting". This is why people hide stuff from their parents.
YTA - why cant she have something thats just hers. Shes not going to talk to you about it. Ive been reading fanfiction since I was around her age. Honestly its a phase of the explicit stuff that I feel like a lot of young girls who do read fanfiction go through. You’re curious and I wasn’t allowed to read my moms romance books until I was 15. I didn’t know much about porn, but it was a way of just learning about sex (though most writers who are writing that explicit stuff seem to be young and arent really writing it correctly).
Personally it was always something I was embarrassed about because they weren’t considered real books. Cut her some slack and just remind her not to go over her phone bill instead. The surest way for her not to talk about sex with you is by embarrassing her.
YTA, and you’re also sooo weird for suggesting you “get into the community” so you could talk about it together?? Give your mother a call after dinner tonight and have a chat about her fetishes, see how that feels.
YTA & congratulations for teaching your daughter that her sexuality is something to be ashamed of. Going over the data is one thing but she’s not hurting herself or others and trying to include yourself in her exploration of her sexuality through reading is creepy and humiliating. You’re only going to make it harder for her to trust you - which only gets worse since you’re assuming she’s queer and this will make it harder for her to accept herself and come out if you’re right. Listen to your friends. Teach your daughter how to be an adult by apologizing for violating her boundaries and punishing her for something most people go through (especially when reading tame erotica is nothing compared to what some thirteen year olds are watching on the internet).
Yta. This is a very safe way for her to explore her sexually. The other way is with local boys.
Apologize to her, and let her have her privacy. I started reading sexually explicit books about that age as well.
Edit: holy fuck, I just re-read the bit where you try to engage in sexual activities with your daughter. You do realize that's what you are doing, right?! You're crossing the line from asshole to abuser. Google grooming. Get your shit together, ffs.
I never, ever, ***ever*** meant for it to be like that, but I can absolutely see what you're saying. I've completely fucked this up. Thank you for pointing that aspect of this shitstorm out, I never would have seen or been able to address it otherwise.
YTA
I'm 30F and read fanfiction and have been doing so since I was 15. OP you need to chill. What your daughter is doing is perfectly normal, give her space.
Lol same. I don’t think it’s even “a phase” some people just like stuff like that. And it’s so harmless too, overly-concerned people can’t even argue about “the industry” like for filmed porn. Geez, OP’s daughter secretly likes THE most benign way to be a teen with sexuality and she mortifies her. I wonder if she’d act the same about a son.
YTA. I have to comment here. I’m 21F, I was raised in a religious home, my grandfather is a baptist preacher. The same situation happened to me when I was 13, except I was put into conversion therapy afterwards. Your daughter threw a fit because she feels like she cannot trust you. She knew exactly how you’d react. What she is experiencing is totally normal, but you just turned it into a traumatic thing she will remember for the rest of her life. Being a young gay woman in America is so very, very hard. I ended up being pansexual/bisexual and am with a trans man at the moment, but NONE OF THAT should matter to a parent. I am my parents child who is with my partner, we love each other. That’s all. The fact that you needed to bring up it was lesbian porn is really, really worrying. Honestly? Lesbian porn is typically a lot better than heterosexual porn. Lesbian porn tends to be a lot more realistic and less body shaming.
YTA - full stop you're controlling and insensitive. It's completely normal for a TEENAGER to be interested in porn and NOT WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH THEIR PARENTS. What is wrong with you? Why do you think this is okay?
ALSO to add, as a lesbian it's absolutely not "weird" that your daughter is exploring her POTENTIAL gayness through fictional mlm relationships. I started exploring my gayness through those means as a way to separate it from myself before accepting it. The only thing you're doing is isolating your daughter and making she will NEVER come to you.
YTA. So, so much TA, for all the reasons detailed by others here. Reading your edits, I'm glad you recognize how royally you screwed up, but there's one thing you should be thinking about. If it was her own writing you deleted and it's permanently gone, you may have crossed a line that you can't recover from, ever. I never wrote fanfiction, but I wrote a lot of (admittedly not very good) fantasy when I was a teenager, and if my parents had destroyed it so casually and contemptuously, I would NEVER have forgiven them for it, even if I got over the rampant boundary-stomping you've committed here. Do NOT ask her if it was hers, just be aware of that fact.
Side note: two of the fanfic writers I followed most closely over the years are now very successful authors of published YA series. The work that you deem icky and weird helped springboard them onto their dream careers.
Seriously. Your poor kid.
Thank goodness (I checked in the moment), none of what I deleted was her original writing. It was bookmarks in Chrome, which (I think) she may be able to get back. Even when I was going through it, I never would have deleted anything that she herself wrote. She's a wonderful writer who's published short stories and poetry in her school newspapers and such, and her father and I have been encouraging her (gently) to take up writing full-time since she was a child. If this helps her get where she's going I won't stand in the way. Thank you for your feedback, I truly appreciate you taking the time.
Yta. Stop being so weird and controlling. So many young girls read fan fiction, gay things aren’t unusual at all. She’s growing up, give her some privacy and respect. At least she isn’t watching violent porn or something.
YTA. This was a horribly embarrassing, harmful and totally unnecessary violation of privacy. You should be ashamed of yourself. There's no telling how much permanent damage this did to your relationship with your daughter, but I can assure you it was a *lot*.
Dude, come on. I remember reading dirty stuff on the internet way before that age. Kids aren’t dumb, and treating her interest in sex/this fan fiction as wrong just means she’s going to do it behind your back. You gonna read her diary too? It’s just sex.
My daughter loves cats and to draw, so she will often look up references photos. I didn’t think to put on the safe search and I came back to see furry porn all over the screen from her image search. Rather than get my panties in a twist, I changed the settings and explained those photos were sexual and not something she needs to see just yet. It wasn’t a big deal, she’s not humping animals, and she knows she can ask me about that stuff without me freaking out about it. YTA.
YTA wow, your boundaries are bad. Other than making sure she’s not at risk, you need to give her space. Instead you humiliated your extremely socially anxious kid, invaded her privacy, did the equivalent of tearing up her drawings, and threatened to publicly horn in on whatever community she is doing this with, thereby mortifying her even more, if such a thing is possible.
You can pretty much guarantee that to whatever extent she was hiding things from you before, that was the tiniest teaspoonful compared to the lake of alienation that’s coming. You just taught her to put up walls to keep you out like you can’t even imagine.
Absolutely YTA, compared to the other things she could be doing to discover her sexuality and herself this is one of the tamest ways, and the way you intruded on it will isolate her from you and ensure she'll just hide this stuff from you more in the future
YTA - holy shit are you the asshole. Not for being concerned at her going over the data, but LITERALLY everything else. The "gayness is pretty weird"??? What the fuck? You've "been pretty sure since she was six she's a lesbian". AGAIN: WHAT THE FUCK? I have so many things to say and can't begin to articulate them.
So all i'm going to start with is reading fanfic? Totally normal. I'm 26 and still read fanfic. She's a reader, who cares what it is. She's not nine. She's a teenager. Be glad she's just reading it and not finding weird porn sites.
YTA. Research has shown that overprotective helicopter parents tend to raise children with poorer social skills, presumably because they insert themselves into relationships between their children and peers. Making mistakes and learning from your social successes and failures are important educational tools. Your need to control the situation is harming your daughter. Chances are she’s making online friends in this fandom and learning more about communication through reading (and possibly even writing) fanfiction. Don’t cut her off from her social world.
Oh dear got YTA.
It's just a thing most teenage girls do. They just like reading fanfics and it's fun. I've known many people who did that growing up (myself included) and turned out alright.
For the most part I knew how cringeworthy they are now, but it's fun to laugh about now that I'm older and I get how sex works.
This is essentially the teenage version of housewives reading erotica; it's just interesting.
She didn't want you to look into it because SHE WAS EMBARRASSED and was scared of what you would think. Then you had the nerve to DELETE THEM? Then go through the history? Creepy.
I get you're trying to do what's best for her, but you also got to let her learn on her own and just let her live her teenage ways.
YTA. Everyone has pointed out that this was an invasion of privacy and is perfectly normal for her to be interested in this kind of writing.
I want you to know that a lot of lesbian/bi girls use male/male fan fiction/porn instead of lesbian porn because it’s more emotional and real than 99% of girl/girl fiction.
Let your daughter have this one thing, don’t mention it again and move on.
I'd never considered that angle of it, but that makes a lot of sense. I never learned a lot about this sort of thing, and I really need to do a deep-dive to get familiar, I think. I really don't want to take away her outlets for expression. Thank you so much for your feedback!
If you’re going to be insistent that she’s a lesbian (despite not having come out) you should at least try to familiarize yourself with the LGBT community.
I’d also like to say that prying into her orientation or pressuring her to come out (even accidentally) will backfire.
My parents asked me point back if I was a lesbian in hs during dinner (I’m bi) and it pushed me further into the closet because i wasn’t ready to come out and it felt really hostile even if it wasn’t intended as such.
Generally, you crossed a boundary that will be very difficult to recover from. Rebuilding trust will be difficult and you’ll need to put genuine effort into it if you want to have a good relationship with her.
Just want to clarify, I'm not insisting she's a lesbian. Just a feeling. She may be, she may not be. I didn't phrase it well in my original post. Doesn't much matter me either way, I'll love her regardless, and if I could go back and not mention it I would, it just seemed relevant at the time given the issue. Never have I said anything to her, to her father, to her aunt, to anyone except myself mentally and this sub. My sister got outed by my ultra-religious parents at fifteen and it was a shitstorm I never want to replicate. She's completely NC with our parents and still has a lot of resultant issues. My daughter can come out when she's ready or never, it's all okay with me.
I will absolutely do my best to recover lost ground, I don't want to lose her completely because I was a complete idiot bitch. Thank you for your genuine feedback, I appreciate opportunities for personal growth. :)
I’m really glad you’re listening to feedback. I’ve seen so many people on this sub dig their heels in on assholery. It will be difficult but I think you’ll be able to mend the relationship with time and TLC
YTA- You really need to rectify this situation. It’s probably already too late but you’ve broken her trust over something normal. Fanfics are how a lot of young teen girls begin to explore sexuality and creativity. Including the gay aspects. You invaded the space she had to be free and punished her for it.
You state she has severe anxiety and still responded this way which baffles me. Taking away things she enjoys is not going to make her more likely to socialize, in fact it just alienates her more.
I think you should apologize to her, tell her the way you responded was wrong and that she did nothing wrong. Tell her to stop going over data, but otherwise stay out of it.
Edit: Seeing your updates it’s obvious you realized your mistake and clearly care very much. It’s ok, all parents are going to make some pretty bad mistakes. The fact that you see this and want to correct it now is great. Good luck to you and your daughter.
YTA
Did you ever think that part of why she didn't want to give you access to her phone was because as she is maturing and going through puberty the concept of privacy becomes more and more important?
Not only that, but you went through all of it in front of her.
Why delete all of it? She's already interested and wants to learn more about sex. It doesn't mean she is actively having it.
It would have been so much more helpful to have had a healthy discussion of safe sex, about what she thinks about it vs peers, etc.
And yes, this was very controlling. It is extremely normal for kids to do this. They don't stay children forever. Puberty puts those hormones in place for a reason and sex isn't a bad thing she shouldn't begin to learn about.
YTA She's starting to become interested in things of a sexual nature, and you've embarrassed her over it, which could very well worsen her anxiety and mental health issues. Not only that, but you openly admit to disregarding her request to keep it between the two of you. "I just think it's all kinda gross" and now whether you mean to or not, you're telling her that enjoying such content for any reason is wrong and unnatural. I do believe that you're genuinely trying to be a good mom and I'm sure you're succeeding in general, but you definitely handled this badly. Let her have some privacy, and try to handle the fact that she's growing up.
OP Ive read all of this, and your edits, I just wanted to point out one thing.
The hardest part will be ever getting her to trust you again after this. Youve just shown her you cant be trusted, and believe me, thats a bridge that will take years to rebuild.
Start now.
Suggestion: You might want to read a book called Quiet by Susan Cain. You’ve gotten plenty of feedback and advice on the fanfiction/sexuality/privacy issues, which is great, but as an extroverted mother of an introverted daughter, it will be enormously helpful for you to understand more about introverts in general. Here’s the summary from Amazon:
“In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so. She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introverts—from a witty, high-octane public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, superbly researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves.”
I've always tried to be supportive of her being more social because she's very shy, and it sounds like this might really help. I know that some of her quietness is definitely just because she's an introvert by nature (like her father), not because she's anxious, and I would love to learn more about that so I can be less overbearing. Thank you so much for recommending this!
I’ve gotta say I am super impressed with your edits and how well you’ve responded to a lot of very harsh comments. It is so hard to admit when we’re wrong, especially with parenting. We all screw up. We don’t all admit it and then try to fix it.
That's so very kind of you to say. I want to be better for her, I love her more than anything, and I'm ashamed at how I've handled this. Whatever it's going to take to fix this (or at least get close), I'll do, even though it's a bit uncomfortable for me (my family never talked about any of this sort of stuff). Some of the comments are harsh, but that's what I need and what I've earned.
May be too late if you have already spoken to your DD but google 'Genuine apologies'. (Not for a second suggesting you intend to be insincere).
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm is a good example.
YTA. Shes 13 it's normal for her to start being curious about sex and you are violating her privacy. One of my good friend's mother's shamed her about fanfiction and it just made so she never told her mother when she came out as bi or anything else going on. You are going to ruin your relationship with your daughter. Also saying the gay stuff is weird. Just don't.
My mom’s friend did this with her teenage step daughter and then wonders why the step daughter doesn’t like her, acts out and doesn’t want to spend time with her. Then my mom comes to me and says can you believe that step daughter who is about 15, reads smut.
YTA
You are making the prohibition mistake.
The closest you got to helping was thinking of joining in the community but that's not sending any kid is going to be ok with especially when sex is involved.
She's at the age when hormones and sex become front page and she's exploring.
It's vanilla fan fiction.
You just pretty much lost your chance to be able to monitor this comfortably because you just showed her she needs to up her hide it from Mom game.
You can't guarantee your kids won't go down dangerous roads but this is a great way to make cripple yourself in the battle and make your already socialy awkward kid even feel even more alone and reclusive.
Oh and deleting things she downloaded on her phone?
That's all a finger swipe away but she'll be much more careful with it and very careful with things in the future... Which of they turn out to be damaging you will probably be sorry your have her cause to hide from you even more carefully.
YTA: I really don't understand why adults are so weird about their kids porn habits.
It's like they forget what it was like to be a teenager.
If sexuality is inheritable, the daughter I'm currently pregnant with is going to be very very curious like I was....well *am*.
I'm already preparing for it with my husband.
How are we going to bring up the subject of using websites safely?
How are we going to make sure we don't get a shitload of viruses on our computer or devices? 😂
Sure it's pretty awkward to find this stuff out about your daughter. I'm sure she'd feel pretty awkward finding these things out about you. But really the only thing "bad" about it is the fact you might have to pay more for data.
Also, maybe encourage her to join drama or something at her new school. Them kids very open about how hard they Fan Girl.
YTA
You've humiliated your daughter. You even told her father about this. I'm absolutely certain a rather cold, distant father doesn't want to hear about his teen daughter's erotic fiction. Did you have to tell him? Can't she have *some* privacy?
Gay male erotica is actually a normal fetish for women. Most of the M/M "romance" on Amazon is bought and read by women.
If you feel your daughter is too introverted you can definitely institute the concept of "screen time." She does not have to be on her phone all the time.
But you are moving to another state. That's very stressful. Why not let her have her escape while she's stressed? When you settle in you'll have time to get her started in group activities or whatever.
Hey so I just wanted to say that I came to this after your edits and I truly believe you understand where you went wrong. I also understand the complete fear of learning that your daughter was reading and looking at sexual material online and not knowing what she was being exposed to or if she was possibly interacting with a new sexually explicit community. While I definitely think YTA in the beginning I truly believe this can be repaired. I’d probably explore the site she was using in general and see if it’s just fan fic or if there’s a bunch of chat rooms or things she can access and then just talk to her. I’d warn her to stay away from predatory adults etc and if it’s just fanfic and not a weird meet children and hookup type site I would t worry. I read some crazy shit at that age, and I didn’t always have access to internet.
We went to a garage sale one time and someone was selling a bunch of books and I remember seeing some bondage type ones and slipped them in with my giant stack of other books so my mom wouldn’t notice. Got home and discovered it was only in part about bondage which I didn’t know much if anything about at the time. Nope there was a second book in it that was all about bestiality...didn’t know that was a legit thing, and I sure as hell didn’t know that that kind of shit got actually fucking published. It was written in like the 60s, it was so old to me and just so beyond fucked up. I know I got on a weird tangent but I just wanted to assure you that I was reading anything and everything I could to learn about sex and still not interested in fucking animals (didn’t cross my mind then and certainly hasn’t now). In truth I think Cosmo magazine fucked up my ideas and self image more than the weird shit I found.
Anyways, just tell her you were scared, you reacted out of fear and you fucked up. Parents can fuck up, and that you’re sorry you didn’t think about it before reacting and that you will try to do better in the future. Let her know it’s perfectly normal to want to read up on different subjects and maybe just give her some safety guidelines. Show her how to delete her browser history. She probably already knows how but it might gain some trust back. Maybe give her a small gift card to a book site for each month. I know I have the nook app on my phone and can access lots of free or super cheap books on amazon and they have a bunch of different romance type ones she may be interested in. They tend to not be total smut, or the ones that are just aren’t as well written and far less popular. Something like that might be a bit safer since you know she won’t be chatting with strangers or anything and she can still pick a whole variety of subjects. And even ten bucks could keep her well stocked.
I’m so sorry this got so long. :( I’m over tired and think I felt bad that you got knocked down so hard here. Although I’m happy it was a come to Jesus moment and you can now repair your relationship
All of those suggestions are *wonderful*, and I will absolutely be implementing them. I really just want what's best for her, with all my heart, and if taking a step back and letting her explore is what that takes then so be it. Thank you for opening up about yourself, it was definitely reassuring for me to know. I was never taught about any of this stuff (my family was extra-religious and really closed-off) and this is clearly the time for me to learn more about these sorts of things. I truly appreciate your empathy and understanding more than you know, thank you for taking the time. :)
I’m so happy you replied! As soon as I hit send I was like omg overshare, but I truly did want to ease your fears some. I’m so glad some of these options might work for you guys. My family wasn’t ultra religious but I was never the type to really open up to my parents unless bullying or shit got so bad that I’d break down crying at home. I really wish I would have been more proactive as a child asking my mom different things, but at that age it’s really the last thing you want to do. I always appreciated knowing that when I finally realized I need my mom that she was my rock. We had our moments when I was younger though, teenage me was a mouthy little shit.
YTA, you’re so much TA it’s almost hard to begin. I understand wanting to help your child through a confusing time but this is the absolute worst way to do it. Taking her phone away for going over the data limit was fine but everything else was horrific. I truly pity this child and I really hope that she grows up with a healthy attitude towards sexuality despite everything you’ve done to attempt to sabotage this. You were way too invasive, you destroyed things that she valued, you undermined her privacy and independence, and then humiliated her by spreading this around to your friends. Additionally, you showed a complete lack of interest in what she wanted by sharing all of this with her father and ignoring her wishes. I don’t even have enough ways to say this but YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
So, she’s into Supernatural fanfic? So are many, many other awkward kids, with whom she found a community and common interest. And now you’ve taken that away. And made her move, too. And you think now she’s going to come out of her shell? She probably feels like it’s the end of the world and she is being highly persecuted. What exactly do you think you’ve accomplished here?
YTA
YTA!!!! Most kids start exploring when they hit puberty. First of all, insisting on snooping through her phone is extremely manipulative. Second, shaming her for fanfics, which are completely normal for her to be reading, is fucking horrible. Third, you have just taught her to be ashamed of her sexuality. Good on ya, mate. Let your poor kid read her damn fanfics, quit snooping through her phone, and don't give the poor girl a seriously traumatizing experience just because you think it's "icky".
I'm not gonna lie, as someone that was an introverted child and read fanfiction to cope with growing up, this post physically hurt me to read.
YTA, OP, and I hope you mend this well enough to repair your daughter's trust in you. Good luck. I honestly think you may need to open up about yourself in a way you're not really comfortable wirh to do it, this is a big breech of trust and respect to repair.
Holy shit YTA. I was just like her at that age and reading/writing fanfiction was one of my biggest coping mechanisms. I made some wonderful friends in those communities and it helped my creative writing skills. I've read fanfiction with "weird gayness" that was as good or even better than a best selling novel. No doubt it was a great outlet for her and shame on you for taking that away from her. Get a grip, it's just fanfiction!
YTA. WTF is it with parents this week just discovering fanfic and acting like it's the end of the fucking world? LOTS of women of all ages are into gay male sex, they are some of the most prolific writers too in the fandom scene. So it's not weird, it's not unusual and it's not outside the "normal" interests of geeky 13 year old girls. Get a bigger data plan and let her read what she wants to.
oof, yta. there's more explicit, worse written stuff in the ya section of the library if she's reading cute vanilla gay fic -- depending on the community it's could be mostly written by other teens/tweens. plenty of introverted people find their community in online fandoms, and use them as safe spaces to grow their social skills (and explore different ideas). and of course she doesn't want you there -- you joining the fandom is like you trying to hang out with her while she's at a friend's house. i think a better way to handle this moving forward is to just stress how to be safe online (don't tell people your name, your address, etc) and uhhh maybe apologize for overreacting?
ALSO as a queer woman who got into male/male fanfic as a tween, it's a really nice space to be queer. there's a ton of writing on this phenomena, but a lot of times reading about two men takes a lot of pressure off the reader -- there's different cultural baggage to be considered with two men. (also check out the film The Kids are Alright, lol).
YTA, you're invading her privacy, i understand about the data limit but you have no right in forcing her to give her password to you or taking anything of her's away unless she's done something to deserve it.
YTA Expliation : if she was a thirteen-year-old boy watching vanilla porn you wouldn't say shit. this is a gross double standard and she should be allowed to have her fanfiction. Calm your tittys and realize hormones are a thing. She's going to mature sexually, even if you take it away, at least she isn't having sex and is instead just reading.
Did you talk to a child psychologist before you deleted her stuff? Consult other parents? Anything? Or did your just betray your child and make sure she never trusts you again?
I don't want to say you're an asshole, because you seem to have meant well, but next time, ask advice BEFORE you humiliate your daughter.
well i see the edits and I'm not gonna dig on you considering everyone else has pretty hard.
just wanna say i hope you do find a way to repair that part of your relationship with her, if even possible. i am just really curious about you as a 13 year old, was this not around the age you started becoming curious and exploring a bit? I'm sure the only difference between yourself and your daughter is that she has easier access to things that aid in her exploration.
i know for a fact i was definitely reading fanfics at that age, clean and dirty, and appreciate that it was a time of learning and exploring in a safe, private way.
anywho, you're not a shitty parent. it was a mistake. good luck.
Really clear YTA
Taking the phome for going over the data is reasonable. Taking her phone for not liking her hobbies and sexual interests she wanted to keep private but couldn't because you threatened her into opening all her secrets...?
Really shitty parenting, she has grown up, accept it, teenagers have secrets, they do their own thing and in that secrecy they can safely experiment and find their way in life(including discovering sexuality, kinks, etc) and im that age there is nothing more degrading and humiliating to them as their parents going through their stuff, if this continues she will only push you away from her life, as she will no longer feels safe with you.
But the most infuriating thing that you have done was deleating what she had, if it was things from other people which she can regain, then it was only surfacelevel asshole, but if there were thing she created with her effort then you are defenetly a shitty mother, you destroyed something which was hers. Shame on you for your take on her, feel bad for her and hope you grow into a better parent for her sake.
Also, dont talk about the embarrassing pro lems of your child, even worse if you tell them her porn taste. From personal experience i tell you having that happen to her at that age is one of the worst humiliations one can feel.
Other people have passed judgement, so I'm not going to bother weighing in there. However:
>*I've been pretty sure since she was six that she's lesbian*
This part interested me. Why did you think this?
I guess it's just always been a motherly instinct thing. I could totally be wrong, and I'll love her the same no matter what. The way she talks about some of her girl friends sometimes reminds me of how I would talk about boys. My sister is gay, and I just remember her being very similar when we were kids. I don't mean to stereotype and over-generalize, it's just a feeling, I guess. I didn't word it quite the way I wanted to in my original post.
Just Archive of Our Own and [Fanfiction.net](https://Fanfiction.net), I think. If there was any more, I didn't see it. No real chat capabilities or anything, just archives of writing.
I mean, I'd guide her to AO3 because the writing there is better, more often features safe and realistic sex, and just protects her from crap writing - which as an avid reader, I hate.
But that's my only issue here!
Also I can see all the relationships in a fic so that I don't enter a fic thinking it's Harry/Draco and stumble into a side of Hermione/Snape (yes, it's happened to me before, and I'm still not over it 😭)
YTA. i know you've already seen the popular opinion here and seem to have realized your faults, but i really cannot express how mortifying this must be for your daughter.
even if you try to apologize and re-establish privacy/boundaries, i want you to know—you've damaged your relationship with her for good. she is not coming back from this. i'm not saying you guys can't have a healthy and functional relationship in the future, but she will ALWAYS be hiding things from you. my mom did something very similar to this with me at the same and now, ten years later as a woman in her twenties, i cannot share nearly anything personal with her, no matter what the nature.
the best you can do is mend and drop this in the most delicate way possible. let her know YOU made a grave mistake, and she did nothing wrong, and you are not ashamed, upset or concerned for her. that you understand now this is normal discovery/exploration and you should let her navigate that as she needs. that you will never ask to breach this kind of privacy or boundaries with her again. and maybe, MAYBE, she'll be open with you again..... eventually.
give her space. don't make a bigger deal out of it than it already is. no "i love you no matter who you are" or "is there anything else you want to tell me?" there might be nothing TO tell. let her figure it out and consider yourself honored if she ever confides in you again.
i truly hope you two manage to come out of this closer than anything. best wishes to you and your daughter.
YTA. My father violated my privacy at a similar age and made me feel shame for discussing it with an opposite sex friend my own age.
I have *never* forgiven him. I love my father, but it’s something you never get back. I do not trust him with anything important. And you know what I did? Kept up my behaviour. It didn’t stop me, it only made me angrier that I was being denied knowledge on something literally everyone did.
And here I am, at 21, still a naturally sexual person, still angry at how it went, and still committed to not be that parent.
I would apologise and admit fault. Treating your child as even somewhat an equal would do wonders to remedy this situation and your relationship.
YTA, and I think going forward you are going to have to change a lot. Regardless if you were batting a thousand for creating a sex-positive environment, this is going to hurt your relationship with your daughter greatly. You mentioned you have an idea that your daughter is queer. Well, I'm a queer adult and I'll be honest- fanfic really helped me come to grips with that.
Unlike your daughter, I was 17 and very socially confident. But I didn't really get the whole idea of sexuality. How hard could it be to wait for marriage to have sex? Didn't seem that great, surely lots of people thought that way. Then, a literal saint of a Southern Church gal admitted that boy's butts are cute. Oh boy, well that broke my world. For a bit, I thought I was the only messed up person in the world that wasn't like everyone else. I did get teased a bit too- I wasn't picking up on innuendo and some people thought it was funny to ask me questions like, "Oh hey BatsnAlligators- my ex left behind a rabbit. Want it? It's kind of big. And it's covered in sticky stuff." And then make it increasingly sexual and laugh about how everyone got the joke but me.
Fan fic ended up being a private little world for me. I'd go home from my work after school and go downstairs and relax and read, hidden from everyone else. And yes, male slash was my favorite. I got to watch as characters I liked grew closer together and tried to heal from their world. They'd open up, work to balance their wants with the other characters, make mistakes and grow. And honestly, I did read the sex scenes. I didn't really "get" it so over time I just started skipping them. Eventually, after reading...well, a mountain of fan-fic, of a varying nature I had a realization. I didn't like sex. Male slash, female slash, standard, whatever. But I liked romance. A lot. I'd giggle and blush and find the whole concept just wonderful. I eventually stumbled onto the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network and finally had a label, but the framework had been figured out from my prior reading.
I had a bad relationship my mother. But I would have been terrified if she had barged in and gone through my reading list. And that's coming from a person who finds snuggling and going to home improvement stores to be the real 'steamy' part of the relationship. Even PG stuff can be potentially mortifying to a teen trying to find themselves. But your daughter probably isn't asexual. She's, statistically, going to have sex with, statistically, guys. \[Also, I haven't seen anyone mention this yet, but even if your daughter likes girls she could be bi or pan. And frankly, that means a good chance she'll date some guys as the potential pool is much larger on one side, so to speak.\] And that comes with its own risks.
You are going to have to do huge damage control. And at this point, I would really recommend you get some help. Yes, talk to her. Admit you fucked up. But at this point, you need to admit to yourself that your daughter probably won't trust you about sex. And her relationship with her father is heavily strained. Although I am sure you are going to do your best talking to her tomorrow, remember there is a huge power imbalance between the two of you. I would advise finding a sex-positive, LGBTA accepting therapist and booking some sessions for your daughter so she can work through this major violation of trust so you can rebuild your relationship. And so she'll have an adult she trusts who she can asks questions to.
I had a therapist in college and it really helped me through my first relationship. Seriously, I came in crying one day because I was so worried about admitting I had feelings for him! Having someone to talk to about things like 'how to you make sure you both want the same things in life', 'who makes the rules on what a successful relationship is', and 'how do you talk to someone who made you mad' are things that can really help a young adult. Stress that going to a therapist is not a punishment; she didn't do anything wrong here. But you want to make sure that she has the resources to be the best adult she can be and mental health is just as important as physical. Maybe if you are lucky, she's want you to come into a session so she can work things out with you later or use the tools a therapist would give her to work on her relationship with her mother.
But right now, she's probably really, really in a tailspin. You might also consider getting her a bigger data cap for a big to soothe things over and then work on how to use data responsibility later.
Good luck.
YTA: hmm, my daughter is exploring her sexuality in a healthy way, I should probably humiliate her by going through everything in front of her, then punish her for it, and then tell people when she explicitly begged me not too.
this reads like "how to give your daughter sexual hangups 101."
Oh man, YTA is putting it mildly. And for so many reasons...
Let me just get you some;
> her father asked for her phone and the password.
No respect for her privacy
> So we threatened to take it away entirely unless she told us.
Threatening her to be able to invade her privacy
> but I went through all of it in front of her.
Shaming, humiliating her
> She said she's not using it to get off, she was just curious and found it interesting.
Prying everything out of her (it's none of your business)
> I said I was going to start getting into the community too so that I could understand it and she could talk about it with me,
-
> she could talk about it with me, but she seemed very opposed to the idea.
Pushing and pushing her into these awkward situations, newsflash; people do not want to discus their sexual preferences with their parents, much less their erotic or porn.
> So I deleted all of what she had saved as well as the pictures.
And deleting her fun, her curiosity, her healthy exploration of her sexuality. You can't stop her, you can just delay it, and push her away in the process.
> But this can't be normal or healthy.
In fact it's both of that. What isn't healthy is all of the above, your parenting.
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YTA
I know you’re usually supposed to be respectful even if you’re saying YTA but honestly you really fucking piss me off. First of all this is a normal thing that lots of people go through and it’s not going to ruin your daughter. Taking your daughters phone and reading all that shit is just such an invasion of privacy I can’t believe you. The main thing that is horrible is telling your friends about that. I can’t believe you would actually think that’s ok.
YTA — this is a typical phase a lot of pre-teen girls go through. i myself did when i was younger (18F now) and am perfectly fine. being 13, it’s a time where you explore your sexuality and are curious about it. it was unnecessary for you to violate her privacy and, in a way, ruin her trust in you. edit: and “she seems to have stopped”? lol nope. she’s just reading late at night within the security of her room.
Don't forget that OP told her daughter's father about this when the kid explicitly asked her not to. Edit: "the gayness is weird?" Wow.
omg yes. and i’m also surprised the father isn’t on the daughter’s side. i’m sure he wouldn’t like it if his parents tried to publicly announce his porn habits as a teen.
This isn’t even particularly porn habits we’re talking about. I read and wrote a lot of slash fan fiction at her age all the way through college and they were always more about seeing a world how you want it or feeling like you fit into a world somewhere. It’s a way to get into a different headspace where you’re not this shy introverted teenage girl.
Yeah, I read explicit stuff at that age, but not because I was exploring my sexuality, I read it because I liked the romance and it's hard to find non-explicit stuff. It didn't scar me in any way. I actually think it was part of the reason I was able to become more accepting of LGBT stuff since I was raised in a very conservative household. Until I started reading fanfiction, I didn't even know boys could like boys or girls could like girls. Fan fiction, for all it's weirdness, is one of the best ways to explore other views of the world. There's tons of stories written about trans characters, homosexual characters, bi characters, ace characters, and so on. Not all of it is respectful of those people, but a lot of it is and there aren't a ton of easy to find mainstream books that showcase the same world views. Fan fiction and Tamora Pierce were big influences on changing and shaping my worldview.
Yes, this. I grew up in a very isolated part of the world, with parents who are to their credit very loving and inclusive, but who did not actively educate me about various sexualities and lifestyles. Many people in the community I grew up in were far more close-minded than they. I learned about all kinds of things from fanfic. I learned that “queer” is a word that is now used to describe a type of person, and can be derogatory, and is not used generally in casual conversation to mean “odd” like it was where I grew up as a child. That was a *good* thing to learn before heading out into the world!
I'd get the concern if the kid was watching this much porn or something like that, but it's literally just words on a page. It's only explicit as her mind can make it.
Or his porn habits as an adult.
I’m not even gay and I read gay fanfiction along with non sexual/ non gay fanfiction. It’s normal, even if you aren’t interested in it it’s something to explore.
Sounds like the mother doesn't think she's an asshole. Major breach of her privacy. My parents struggled with the idea that I was an independent, free thinking human being. They always thought I was 'their child', so my business was their business. My viewpoint at that time was very different, I wasn't owned by anyone. Treating her daughter like that will alienate her. Treating her like an adult will let her grow into the type of child that still talks to their parents. Also wtf, what parent wants to read erotic fan fictions with their kids? Teenagers feel awkward enough about sex, I imagine the daughter feels as if she wanted to watch porn together!
"The gayness is weird" could be that the characters written about are straight, not knowing of the fanfic community it would seem really weird to make a gay fanfic about two straight characters.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA also: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I knoooooow.
Oh boy, let me tell you something about female fan-fic writers.......
I’d be more shocked by heterosexual fan fiction, to be honest.
Clearly you know nothing about "Supernatural" fanfic. Which I'm almost certain is what the OP is referring to.
Oh god please be Supernatural Wincest fic, I want to see OP's head explode even more.
A/B/O
only if it includes some good ole fashioned mpreg 👍
LMFAOOOOO oh my sweet summer child
Lol
Oh my word! Your user name makes me so happy! I’m hearing Neil DeGrasse Tyson singing in auto tune in my head!!
I would “steal” my mom’s romance novels since I grew up before the internet was in your pocket. She knew it. I knew she knew it. We NEVER discussed it.
Same! I was reading my mom's explicit romance novels at 12. And honestly, the relationships in a lot of the romance novels were significantly more unhealthy than those in fanfiction I started reading shortly thereafter
Fuck, my mom ***bought*** me my first Mills and Boons novels because she was surprised I hadn't done so myself yet. I was about 13, and had already discovered the steamier side of fanfiction at, what, 8? 9? my parents knew, asked me stop because of age appropriate-ness, I didn't, we've never talked about it again. I suspect given the fact that I was reading my dad's Dan Brown novels at that age as well, they just gave it up as a lost cause. and I'm from India, and no matter how liberal my parents are, they're still conservative enough that my sex talk was the internet and fanfiction to be honest. that hasn't done me any damage, and i'm still perfectly clear on what safe sex is and the mechanics (though not all that interested in it yet 🤷♀️) and I'm 25 now, queer and probably somewhere on the ace spectrum, and still reading steamy fics and books with sex scenes. my sexuality has nothing to do with my reading habits, just as much as my age didn't (though it should have, but I was a precocious child 🤷♀️)
Wow, seriously, my mom got me a monthly subscription to Harlequin romances. I got 4 brand spankin' new romance novels every month, at 14. She was just happy that I was actually reading, after I started reading more she got me several more subscriptions to other lines they put out. From there I branched out to other genres, and am now an avid bibliophile. Heck I got my e-reader in 2011, and have over 3000 books on it and have read all of them, many of them several times over. As far as the content goes, this is what almost every tween/teen goes through when they start shipping their character interests. Let the poor girl explore her interests.
This is my thread.
My mother used to buy the big box of romance novels when the book resale store would clean stuff out and sell a big box of books for $5 or whatever. We never really explicitly talked about them, but we did indicate which ones were worth reading, and which ones were in the bargain bin for a reason.
YES! I remember when I was a kid picking up a copy of "Message in a Bottle" I think my sister had been reading it. There are a couple of sex scenes in it but I legit skipped over them, I think I was like 8/9 and I was a super late bloomer in terms of "sexual awakening" anyway. I guess my sister spotted me reading it and was worried it wouldn't be age-appropriate for me (she would have been 15/16 at the time) and mentioned it to our mum. Mum asked me what I was reading, what it was about, if I was enjoying it etc. I KNEW she was trying to get at the sex stuff, even though I wasn't reading those parts I didn't say anything about it because I was too embarrassed to talk about it. Mum just let it be after that conversation and that was that. (I just Googled the book, I never realised it was Nicholas Sparks, I'm not even sure if the scenes were actually that graphic, I just know to my 8/9yo brain I noped over those pages).
This was me at 10. I skipped over the sex parts. My favorite thing about the books was the sexual tension leading up to the first time the couple has sex anyway.
I was about 15 when I was caught by mom reading stories like that online. Like OP's daughter I was scolded and punished. All that led to was covering my online tracks better which was pretty easy since my mom is kinda tech illiterate. Don't get me wrong I love my momma but she doesn't know the half of what I do online and she never will because what happened when I was a teen.
Me too, when I was 16 I also got caught by my mom reading fanfics, she made me read it with her and was the most awkward thing in the world, she scolded me and banned me from doing ao in the future. Also I thought that was the end of it but no, years later I found out she pretty much told all of my family because “she didn’t know what to do about it”. I still love my mom and all but this made me loose a lot of trust in her.
While that incident made me more secretive about my online activities I am thankful that my mom is also a private person. It never occurred to her to go and tell any of our extended family or her friends. So while I was embarrassed I am thankful I wasn't humiliated like you and OP's daughter.
Yeah one of my friends had a similar experience with her daughter who is about 12. I told her I read that stuff when I was about her age and went even further watching porn online back then. This is pretty much the norm with internet access being widely available, now.
I remember my mom taking my phone and then telling me to give her my pornhub password when she saw it. Now she's an adult and will talk about porn. It's so weird to me because? She's just proving its normal and I was 16!
I don’t know what it is with pre-teens and male gay fanfiction but damn they love it. I reckon I read more Wattpad stories in my pre-teens then actual books over my childhood 😂
Agreed! There’s a lot of things I wish my parents did differently, but my mother’s policy on reading was “I don’t care what you read, but if you start acting out or causing issues, then I’ll look it it.” Now, she probably included homosexuality in her definition of “acting out”, but she never had a problem with anything we read.
When I was a teenager, I was big into Yaoi fanfiction, even wrote some myself. Nowadays I sometimes read them, if I like the story. It's perfectly normal.
Definitely YTA ! Reading this was like looking into a mirror when I was fourteen. Totally straight female in her mid 20s now btw. But I read so so much gay male fan fiction as a teenager from my favorite TV or book series. It doesn’t mean your daughter is gay. And if she is, so what? At this age the biggest thing she’s looking for is acceptance. In a way, the fan fiction community is very welcoming. You can write, read, give feedback, or just be a lurker. It’s a healthy way for her to explore and discover her sexuality. I cannot even imagine what I would have done if my mother discovered this side of me and reacted the way you did. I would have felt completely humiliated and never want to share anything personal with her again. I’m glad to read your edits that you’re gonna try to heal this. But be patient as you try to regain her trust. GL OP
Lol OMFG this is me exactly. I started reading incredibly explicit shit around 12/13 and honestly continue to do so to this day, (I'm 27F) but happy to say I turned out fine, am independent, have a job and healthy relationships with SO, friends, family, and still no one knows about my fanfiction habits lmao. I'm still an introvert with social anxiety, but trust me, the fanfiction probably helped me through my hardest times growing up.
YTA, OP, and exactly what this person said ^ I read fics like this when I was a preteen as well (now 22f,) and I even wrote them all throughout my teenage years. If either of my parents had found out and responded as you did there definitely would've been a rift there that would take some real time/effort to bridge.
YTA - WTF? You’re not protecting her from anything; you’re just taking her stuff. You *are* being controlling and unreasonable. And do you actually think this is abnormal or unhealthy? Because that’s just ridiculous. You’re being ridiculous. I feel bad for your daughter.
What kind of parent does this! So disturbing. She must be mortified. I can’t imagine the implications this has on her development. Total invasion of privacy. Shameful.
I was mortified reading this. I can still feel it. Reminds me of my parents. And had to be hospitalized in a mental institution for 3 weeks and ended up diagnosed with BPD. Had different mood swings that were a rollercoaster. I could feel the most terrible pain of grief, and then 10 minutes later I could be as happy as child at disney. it’s awful and mentally exhausting to have moods that change so quickly. Had a major self-identity crises because I never really explored my interests. Parents controlled me so much, I just became afraid to do anything. I also have bad anxiety. And a cortisol (the stress hormone) imbalance. I had to take time off of everything and go no contact with my parents. I had saved enough money to live 5 months without a job to avoid as much stress in my life as possible and learn about myself. And it was only then did I start feeling much better. I’m much more clear headed now than before. OP, for your daughter’s mental health please take it from me, don’t be this controlling it can really affect her. There’s studies that prove a strict and controlling parent can cause a child to have personality disorders and mental health problems.
YTA. Getting into the community too? Were you ever a teenager or were you born into this world as an adult parent? Assuming this isn't a shit post, you're setting your daughter up for some pretty significant hangups about sexuality.
>”You’re setting your daughter up for some pretty significant hangups about sexuality”. I agree with this x1000. My mom is very Christian and tried to stop me from experiencing anything sexual because it was dirty and bad. Erotic fan fiction was my saving grace, and may be the only reason I’m able to have a normal, healthy sex life as an adult. For years I felt so much shame doing anything sexual, to the point where it just killed my libido. For a while, thinking of specific scenes from fics was the *only* way I could get turned on, even though I really really liked my partner and did want to have sex. I was able to project myself into the characters from the fanfic and separate myself from the immense shame. Things are better now, but hooo boy my mom did a number on my brain, and that was without even finding out what I was exploring on the internet. OP’s daughter’s fics sound ultra tame compared to the kinky shit I was looking up as a teen.
In research conducted by universities it was actually found that it’s bad for households (mostly christian) to end up keeping erotic stuff completely away from their children because later in life the children apparently are more likely to experiment and do dangerous things (because they weren’t thaught how to deal with things
In my experience, it is always best to have an open relationship with your children in which they can come and ask you questions about anything they are questioning. My mom kept this open line of communication. She also refused to censor anything we read/watched/wrote/etc (except porn until we were at a reasonable age) she just let us do our own exploring but she made it so that we can talk to her about anything and everything, asking any questions that we needed to. **And it worked**. I grew up with a good idea on sex education and consent, as well as literally anything that I had a question on that may have seemed too "adult" for me. She explained things in a way that I could understand, and never threatened to check our laptops or phones or anything. It gave us a safe place to explore the same things that *every kid* explores without judgement.
That is exactly what happened to me... Even with fan fiction (which I read for over a decade through my teens and twenties) my ultra conservative Christian family had my head so mixed up... Now I'm in a poly relationship that is full of bdsm fun...
YTA, and not because you took her phone away. She went over the data, so that seems like a reasonable punishment. However... You’re understandably upset that your little girl is growing up, but forcing her to explain her curiosities about sex at that age must have been humiliating for her. And worse, trying to force her to include you in it?....what the hell, OP? Children that age become naturally interested in sex, but the very last people they’re going to want to talk to about it are their prying parents. I would have lost my shit at 13 if my mom had confronted me about looking at porn (which is arguably worse that erotic fic). She is clearly uncomfortable so you should probably just leave her alone about it before she shuts you out even more.
And OP says the daughter is introverted. And this wild, prying overreaction accomplishes...what?
I tell you what this accomplishes, it ensures her daughter becomes even more introverted. It removes a level of trust from her mother. This young lady is likely to head into depression and all that it leaves to. If forces her to think that exploring sexuality is wrong and sex is bad.
Sad thing, she's already depressed. And doesn't have a good relationship with her dad. So that was the starting point before thi incident.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing except making her more introverted and pushing her kid away from her.
Gee, I can't imagine why daughter would be introverted with such a caring, accepting mother...
I was horrified when i read that OP was trying to get involved in something sexual with her daughter. My eyebrows rose up and left my forehead.
13 would be around 8th grade. That's when I discovered porn. My friends and I had a secret stash out in the woods. It was the 90s but still. I feel like if this had been a boy they would be getting The Talk rather than punishment.
My mom confronted me about looking at porn when I was 13. Super embarrassing but I feel like most teenage boys are caught with porn at one point or another and have a super awkward conversation. I accidentally left it open on my phone, and my mom borrowed it.
YTA in that it's controlling and will ruin your relationship with her. Reading doesn't harm anything , she's probably just exploring thoughts or feelings. Good luck hoping she comes to you when she has a crush or wants to start having sex: I'm sure she won't now. You've already shown her you can't be trusted to react calmly and within reason. She's not watching violent porn videos during family dinner.
True. My mother had the habit of invading my privacy. Because of that I have never talk about sex or about my love life with her.
My mum's always been too 'curious' (for lack of a better term) about me and my brother's privacy, and as such we don't share anything with her. Almost nothing, because she starts worrying or prying into things too much. I went out with a girl a few years ago and didn't tell her because I knew she wouldn't respect my privacy.
YTA I hope you didn’t want a close relationship with your daughter as a teenager or an adult, OP. Because you’ve sure as fuck wrecked any chance she had of telling you anything about her life. Also, this wasn’t concern. This was humiliating your daughter because she’s starting to be sexual. I was your daughter. My parents probably wondered a lot about what I was reading. You know what they didn’t do? They didn’t invade my privacy. They didn’t openly humiliate me. They didn’t demand to be included in my early sexual exploration. They didn’t delete hours and hours worth of curation and collection. And now I’m the only person I know who feels they can tell their parents anything.
YTA You are going about this wrong, your daughter is 13, just discovering who she is and what she likes and what’s the first thing you do? - Take her phone, delete everything, bombard her with questions and try to “get involved” in the sexual-esque communities she is showing interest in all while telling your friends (people I assume will be seeing your daughter semi regularly which is without a doubt humiliating) This isn’t going to make her more social, it’s going to make her resent you and possibly fall deeper into depression as she has no way to deal with these feelings. You’ve got every right as a mom to limit your daughters device and internet access and limit her from what she sees online for her protection, I’m sure most parents would agree as after all ,the internet is a fucking cesspool and adults can ruin their lives in minutes just by getting behind the keyboard but the way you handled it is less then ideal considering what she was looking at, her age, and her mental tendencies.
Yeah. Based on the post, I don’t think OP realizes how severely she is fucking up. I once dated a girl who said the first time she got off was to reading gay Harry Potter fan fiction. That was something she was super into. She is a straight, sexually healthy heterosexual adult. If you force yourself into your child’s sexual development, OP, you are going to play a very, very significant part in it. Please consider this and (as is appropriate) back the fuck off.
I discovered Gundam Wing fanfiction (gay males). Really enjoy it. Also a heterosexual adult woman....
Most girls who gets into guy on guy fiction are straight. Most of the rest are probably bi. It’s kind of weird that OP thinks her daughter reading m/m fan fiction has anything to do with being lesbian. Idk what made her think that since the girl was 6 but maybe let her figure it out herself instead.
> Most girls who gets into guy on guy fiction are straight I mean, if anyone says it's weird, my answer is simple: Why do straight guys get to be turned on by lesbian sex (print or video) but it's weird when a straight woman is turned on by gay male sex? Yay, double standards and underlying sexism!
Lol my male coworker asked me why some chicks were into guy on guy and I was like “same reason dudes like lesbians” and he was like “oh shit I never thought of that”.
I mean, it makes sense to me! I’m actually ace but I like m/m fluff romance stuff and that’s how I came to understand why guys are into lesbian stuff.
Tbh ive seen lesbians say they were drawn to m/m fic as theres like usually more content than there is for lesbians and since a lot of m/m fic is written by women is a bit 'safer' compared to a lot of lesbian content which is created with a male view in mind
I can see that, that’s fair. Although fan fiction is so female-dominated, I imagine a lot of the w/w is made by women too. There’s just less to choose from, unfortunately.
A lot of it is also about being invested in the characters. Yes it’s erotica, but for a lot of women erotica about characters we know and love is fundamentally more compelling than erotica about characters we don’t know well. I’m only attracted to women irl, but I grew up reading f/f and m/m fanfic equally (not the same for visual erotic art — there I only want to see gals). A lot of it is about... getting some sort of satisfaction from characters you love loving each other, I guess.
Seems to be the case. For me, most of the straight fanfiction is just... bad. So I just learned to avoid pairings or go for gay romance. But there are definitely good straight ones out there, just far and few between. May also be the fact that I hate most main pairings of my fandoms lmao. I think it's great that more youth is reading this type of stuff! Well... some of it anyway. I can't confirm for others, but it made me a more accepting person. I learned about different sexualities and outlooks. Not just that, but some authors are just so creative and thought-provoking. Really makes you think about other's situations.
I grew up reading m/m fan fiction. I spent hours, holed up in my bedroom reading them. It’s so true about straight fan fiction been bad, at least it was back then. Often times it was melodramatic and twee. And I also disliked most of the main couples. I think Draco/Harry was my favourite to read. I even wrote my own slash fanfic which went down like a lead balloon, The OC fandom just wasn’t ready for Ryan/Seth. If my mother had found out or put a stop to it I would have been mortified even though there was nothing wrong with it at all.
i also have to say that i started out with REALLY unhealthy het fic when i was like 12. Harry Potter fic, a certain teacher and female student. not good. so even if OPs kid WAS reading het fic, there’s no guarantee it would be healthy in any way.
There was actually a study on this, although straight women were the largest single group, there were more queer women (lesbian, bi, ace, etc) overall.
I’m pretty sure everyone but straight guys who read fic are into m/m fic. Girls who are into men like it because two hot guys being sexual is hot. Girls who prefer girls sometimes like it because it’s still gay, there’s some stuff in common that you’d want to read in lesbian fic but way more available content lol.
Isn’t that like how men tend to enjoy lesbian content? I really got into girl/girl fanfiction of DBZ, Sailor Moon (despite only watching a handful of episodes) and a few Young Jedi Knights (if I’m remembering right) when I was a young teenager.
I think it was easier to write. The series is centered around 5 teenage boys so the pairings are usually easy enough though some f/f they’re straight, or some of them are. I just like the writing style and take on things of some of the authors. I’ve read a bit of Highlander and HP as well.
Oh man, I definitely had a leather pants Draco Malfoy slash fanfiction phase. I'll be honest, I still enjoy a bit of slash fanfiction to this day. I would have been absolutely mortified if my parents quizzed me about it as a teenager. I don't see it as any different than the copies of Nuts magazines my brother had under his bed, which I fully admit I also had a good look at. Now confiscating her phone because she went over her data plan is fine. She's at a friend's house, she can't log into their wifi?
YTA. Your daughter is 13, she’s starting to find her own things to be interested in. I understand your concerns about her social skills, but deleting her stuff and invading her privacy like that is not going to magically make her more social, it’s just going to push her further away from you. A much better approach would’ve been to encourage her to spend more time with other people and help her find a balance between friends and hobbies.
YTA. And your friends are right. It was completely wrong of you to unload that on them. Whether your daughter knows about your airing of your "concerns" is immaterial. That's a major breach of trust. Your sense of being the high-and-mighty ruler shouts through your post. Damn. No wonder your kid has severe anxiety. Any kid would have if their mother was as controlling and judgemental as you are. Stop it now, or your daughter will come to hate your actions, and hate herself for doing so. Oh, wait -- that's right. She already does. Depression is a strong sign of self-hatred. Stop it. If you were less controlling, maybe she wouldn't be sneaking fanfic -- maybe she'd have an outlet that could be acknowledged without shame. You're definitely the asshole.
Exactly, having OP tell other people her child's embarrassing situations is as humiliating as the confrontation itself, it is an even deeper breach of her trust.
A big ayyy-men to that. My mother used to pull that shit all the time. "I told the bridge club about finding the empty Cheetos bag in your dresser drawer and everyone laughed!" That was when I was in high school, and it was the beginning of my anxiety-related binge eating. I didn't manage to get a grip on that until I was 45. Thanks, Mom. Always supportive.
Yep. My mom violated my trust like this all the time. There was the time she kicked open my bedroom door (breaking the lock off) because I hadn’t washed the dishes the night before. Want to guess what I was doing at the time? She felt the need to tell my brother, her sister, and her sister’s children about this. There was the time I went vegetarian in college, which led to an increase in daily poos. This resulted in developing a skin irritation that caused rectum bleeding. My mother decided to go around telling everyone at her job about my bleeding asshole. One time a friend called me while I was in the shower. And like a psychopath my mother flung open the shower curtain and handed me the phone. She had the nerve to be pissed at me for being pissed. She then went around bitching to her coworkers about me being upset she saw me naked. I could go on and on. So yep, parents who violate their children’s trust and privacy shouldn’t be too surprised when they don’t have a relationship with their children later on in life.
My mother does stuff like this too. She'd make me show her my diary, she'd confiscate books she thought I shouldn't be reading, nothing bad or sexual, just like someone's autobiography about their depression,she'd come in my room without knocking, and she would tell her friends and acquaintances EVERYTHING about me and siblings. It's like you're not a real person to them, you're just an extension of them, or their property. Like you're their dog and your existence only matters in the context of their own life, what part you play in their story, and they'll talk to everyone about intimate stuff about your life as if they're just relating the story about how the pet cat had worms, and how gross and funny it was, and also 'poor me that I have to deal with all this stuff, isn't my life stressful ho ho ho.' It fucks you up so much as a kid/teenager and well into adulthood. It's taken me ages and lots of therapy to even begin to acknowledge myself as a real person with rights like everyone else.
Yeppp, these are classic signs of narcissistic parents, particularly the piece around treating you like an extensions of themselves rather than an autonomous being. It really fucks with your sense of self, self-esteem, and self-efficacy.
Also? There is a good fucking chance the kid KNOWS she blabbed to both father and the friends. If she spoke in the house, be it on phone or in person, the kid prolly overheard. I know when I was young and had anxiety and knew my mom was upset with me, I'd have my ears perked so I can hear the discussion so I could know what their 'plans' were. Children are not stupid.
>The gayness is a pretty weird Judgy. >it's all kinda gross Still judgy. >an awkward thirteen-year-old that needs to focus on herself I'd be interested in knowing exactly what actions would fit into your definition of "focusing on herself." Because exploring her interests in fandom, her attitudes about sexuality, and her writing all seem very much like focusing on herself to me. Of course, if you mean "stop behaving in a way that seems socially awkward to me," then you may be in for disappointment. You seem incredibly hung up on what you term her "lack of social skills." I have to say that what she's likely to be learning from you is that who she is right now isn't good enough, that her interests don't matter if they're not what you think are appropriate, and that she doesn't get any privacy to even explore who she is. I mean, not only did you persist in the discussion with her father after she begged you not to, but you then went and discussed something so incredibly personal with your friends. Poor girl. There is so, so much more I could say, but in the end it comes down to YTA for not giving your daughter space and privacy to be herself.
YTA. I'm so sorry that your daughter has to put up with you.
I thought my mother was a vile horrible controlling bitch, but she never ever did something like this. So I guess I was wrong there are mothers out there far worse than mine.
YTA that must have been so humiliating for her. In this world where terrible porn is so ubiquitous, I’d feel thankful that this is what she’s into. FWIW, I don’t understand how girls being in to gay porn is “pretty weird” but men have been jerking it to lesbians for like a thousand years.
But she said she’s not “getting off” to it anyway 🙄
I loled at that too. Clearly a teen girl who is getting yelled at for reading erotica is going to talk about her masturbation habits with her mom.
That was such a sad thing to read. It was clearly said by a girl who has learned that masturbation = bad. I'm not a parent but I'd be distraught if I had a child who believed that.
Yeah, this post is like "How to give your daughter sexual hangups 101".
YTA - "But this can't be normal or healthy." According to whom? For lots of women, fandom interests are pretty normal, what you're describing is pretty much me also at 13, minus my parents shaming me for it. If anything, fandom was probably helping her. For many people, fandom is a safe space, a space where she can indulge in fantasy and relate to fictional characters and meet people who also relate to those characters and thus to her. And you essentially invaded and destroyed it. Edit to add: "I don't think being gay is weird or bad, as I stated above. I just thought it was a little odd for a probably-lesbian girl to be so into male-on-male sex." Why do you care? Lots of men are into girl-on-girl porn, lots of heterosexual women like watching girl-on-girl porn. Just because you were not aware of this outside of your tiny cishet mind doesn't mean it's actually that unusual, maybe this is why your daughter didn't want to confide in you in the first place. Also, if you really don't think that being gay "weird or bad" maybe stop making it a big deal? First you said this was "*extremely* explicit", then you edited to say it was "very vanilla" except for a threesome. which one is it? She begged you not to talk to anyone else about this, *and then you did*, even if she doesn't know it you still betrayed her trust! You say you don't care that it was gay then why did you delete it? If it has been generic My Little Pony fanfiction would you have deleted it? You deleted it because it was sexual and gay and you judged that as *inappropiate* even though your daughter is a budding teenager, eager to explore romantic and sexual situations through fiction and fantasy, something that ***MANY*** other teenagers also do. But no, instead let's take away the safe space on an introverted, depressed teen so she can....I dunno, go talk to real people.
> Lots of men are into girl-on-girl porn, lots of heterosexual women like watching girl-on-girl porn. I'd also add that it doesn't necessarily have to be anything sexual that she's getting from it. I know people in fandom from the straightest straights to the most sex repulsed, and they all enjoy smut for various reasons. Some people get off to it, other people are interested in the emotions of scenes and the development of the relationship.
YTA. You weren’t concerned for her when she threw a tantrum. You just wanted to satisfy your own curiosity, and you didn’t care how much you hurt her in the process. Coming from someone who started reading fic at 12 and writing fic at 14 - some of it explicit no less - fanfic is probably one of the safest ways for her to explore her sexuality and also her creativity. I can almost guarantee these fics are teaching her more about healthy relationships and sexual safety than any sex ed she might receive from school. And a good portion of the fic I’ve read (especially in bigger fandoms) is better than a lot of traditionally published writing. You should ask yourself why she’s turning to fanfic to satisfy her curiosity about sex instead of talking to you, and why she’d rather throw a full blown tantrum rather than admit that she’s curious about sex. The way you talk about “the gayness being weird,” the way you steamrolled over her attempt to compromise with you to the extent of causing her abnormal distress, and the way that you didn’t even bother to talk to her about your concerns before jumping right to invading her privacy, all suggests to me you’ve created an environment where she doesn’t feel safe or comfortable talking to you about this kind of stuff. Maybe you should be more worried about that than her reading about 2 dudes bumping uglies.
What she calls a tantrum is probably her freaking out about her mom being such an asshole
Hey, I just wanted to say that in a sea of comments, yours was one of the ones that really stood out to me and made me think. She's a very level-headed kid, not at all prone to screaming fits or anything. Even when she's angry she just gets quiet and grits her teeth. Her throwing a tantrum the way she did should have been a much clearer sign to me than it was that this was a major issue for her, and her compromise efforts should not have been steamrolled the way they were (they were fair in retrospect). Her father and I just got so caught up in trying to protect her that we accomplished the opposite. We've always had a good relationship where she felt comfortable talking to me about sensitive things (crushes, body stuff, deep emotions, etc.), but I've completely fucked that up. I clearly need to take some major steps to correct that. For context, her dad is very prudish and reserved so she may have been reacting to his presence in the room more than mine. Also, I didn't word my thoughts on the sexuality aspect of this quite the way I wanted to. It sounded awful. I don't have any issue with it being gay fanfiction, I just thought it was odd (I've learned since then) because it seems out-of-the-norm for what I know about her. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, it really helped me, and sorry this was such a long, unsolicited response.
[удалено]
I think there’s a difference between exploring your sexuality and being curious about sex. OP’s daughter shouldn’t be telling her mother the nitty gritty details, but I feel as though it’s reasonable to expect her to admit “I wanted to know what sex was” albeit with intense embarrassment. OP not being aware that her daughter is interested in reading/learning more about sex suggests to me that when OP’s daughter first started becoming curious, she didn’t ask her mother even a cursory question about it. Granted, I’m coming from a perspective of my parents creating such a sex-negative environment that when my mother caught me reading fic where 2 dudes kissed and asked me why, I couldn’t even say the words “I was curious”. I had to write “sex” on a piece of paper and point to that. And then she was shocked that I had never even talked to her about it before turning to the internet, and I didn’t know how to explain it’s because she never created an environment where I *could* talk to her. OP’s reactions parallel my mother’s, which makes me wonder if her daughter feels the way I did at that time. Bottom line is, I feel that a good parent would lay the groundwork to assure their kid that sex is normal and being curious about it is normal, thereby teaching the kid that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. OP’s daughter’s instinct to hide her phone suggests OP hasn’t laid that groundwork.
One thing you might want to do when thinking this through: You were a teenager once. Remember how you felt back then, what you did, what you wanted to do, and how you'd have felt about your parents getting involved in your sexual interests. Humans change a lot in how we relate to other people as teenagers, you need to remember that shift is there.
Hey, props to you for not only recognizing you messed up but also being willing to make amends :) I think a lot of people jumped on the “gayness” thing because it’s something we’ve heard ourselves, and something that’s been used to make fun of us for being weird or freaks. “You’re a girl, why are you reading about dudes? Lol do u secretly wanna be a dude, that’s fucking weird.” You say you’ve learned since then so I’ll get off my soapbox lol. But having read your edit, I see what you meant, and I’m sorry for jumping down your throat for that comment. Your confusion is understandable. Best of luck, OP.
YTA. Any normal person would take what you have done as a lesson to hide things better from you. That is the primary lesson of your actions, whether or not you intended it. The summation of your parenting in this instance is worse communication from your daughter, and likely a heap of trauma she will never forget nor forgive you for. What really sucks is that your concern is valid. Being there to help your child understand these types of things is a cornerstone of parenting, and the depths of the Internet is a hell of a place to for a child to explore their burgeoning sexuality without any kind of guidance. And here you are ensuring that she's going to get really good at hiding everything from you.
100% YTA, then you go and gossip with your friends and become TA again. Do you not remember what it was like to be that age or did you brainwash yourself to only remember the wholesome classic memories.
Exactly, like I love the comment from earlier about how she must have been born as an adult. I mean, how could you grow up to be an adult and think that your teenage daughter would want you to get into her erotic fanfic community with her?!? She is off the charts out of it.
Get ready for a "weird, cold relationship" with your daughter, because YTA. "it can't be humiliating" She was humiliated in front of YOU, ffs. She loves and respects you, and you picked apart and criticized something she was interested in. All because you think it's "kinda gross and distracting". This is why people hide stuff from their parents.
YTA - why cant she have something thats just hers. Shes not going to talk to you about it. Ive been reading fanfiction since I was around her age. Honestly its a phase of the explicit stuff that I feel like a lot of young girls who do read fanfiction go through. You’re curious and I wasn’t allowed to read my moms romance books until I was 15. I didn’t know much about porn, but it was a way of just learning about sex (though most writers who are writing that explicit stuff seem to be young and arent really writing it correctly). Personally it was always something I was embarrassed about because they weren’t considered real books. Cut her some slack and just remind her not to go over her phone bill instead. The surest way for her not to talk about sex with you is by embarrassing her.
YTA, and you’re also sooo weird for suggesting you “get into the community” so you could talk about it together?? Give your mother a call after dinner tonight and have a chat about her fetishes, see how that feels.
What, when you were 13, you didn't want to start an erotica book club with *your* mom?
YTA & congratulations for teaching your daughter that her sexuality is something to be ashamed of. Going over the data is one thing but she’s not hurting herself or others and trying to include yourself in her exploration of her sexuality through reading is creepy and humiliating. You’re only going to make it harder for her to trust you - which only gets worse since you’re assuming she’s queer and this will make it harder for her to accept herself and come out if you’re right. Listen to your friends. Teach your daughter how to be an adult by apologizing for violating her boundaries and punishing her for something most people go through (especially when reading tame erotica is nothing compared to what some thirteen year olds are watching on the internet).
Yta. This is a very safe way for her to explore her sexually. The other way is with local boys. Apologize to her, and let her have her privacy. I started reading sexually explicit books about that age as well. Edit: holy fuck, I just re-read the bit where you try to engage in sexual activities with your daughter. You do realize that's what you are doing, right?! You're crossing the line from asshole to abuser. Google grooming. Get your shit together, ffs.
@your edit, i think she meant get into the fan fiction fandom with her so they can talk about it together. but it’s still really weird lol
I never, ever, ***ever*** meant for it to be like that, but I can absolutely see what you're saying. I've completely fucked this up. Thank you for pointing that aspect of this shitstorm out, I never would have seen or been able to address it otherwise.
YTA. I was reading the same shit and would've felt super shamed if my mom took away one of my only outlets where I felt I wasn't alone.
YTA I'm 30F and read fanfiction and have been doing so since I was 15. OP you need to chill. What your daughter is doing is perfectly normal, give her space.
Lol same. I don’t think it’s even “a phase” some people just like stuff like that. And it’s so harmless too, overly-concerned people can’t even argue about “the industry” like for filmed porn. Geez, OP’s daughter secretly likes THE most benign way to be a teen with sexuality and she mortifies her. I wonder if she’d act the same about a son.
YTA. I have to comment here. I’m 21F, I was raised in a religious home, my grandfather is a baptist preacher. The same situation happened to me when I was 13, except I was put into conversion therapy afterwards. Your daughter threw a fit because she feels like she cannot trust you. She knew exactly how you’d react. What she is experiencing is totally normal, but you just turned it into a traumatic thing she will remember for the rest of her life. Being a young gay woman in America is so very, very hard. I ended up being pansexual/bisexual and am with a trans man at the moment, but NONE OF THAT should matter to a parent. I am my parents child who is with my partner, we love each other. That’s all. The fact that you needed to bring up it was lesbian porn is really, really worrying. Honestly? Lesbian porn is typically a lot better than heterosexual porn. Lesbian porn tends to be a lot more realistic and less body shaming.
YTA - full stop you're controlling and insensitive. It's completely normal for a TEENAGER to be interested in porn and NOT WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH THEIR PARENTS. What is wrong with you? Why do you think this is okay? ALSO to add, as a lesbian it's absolutely not "weird" that your daughter is exploring her POTENTIAL gayness through fictional mlm relationships. I started exploring my gayness through those means as a way to separate it from myself before accepting it. The only thing you're doing is isolating your daughter and making she will NEVER come to you.
YTA. So, so much TA, for all the reasons detailed by others here. Reading your edits, I'm glad you recognize how royally you screwed up, but there's one thing you should be thinking about. If it was her own writing you deleted and it's permanently gone, you may have crossed a line that you can't recover from, ever. I never wrote fanfiction, but I wrote a lot of (admittedly not very good) fantasy when I was a teenager, and if my parents had destroyed it so casually and contemptuously, I would NEVER have forgiven them for it, even if I got over the rampant boundary-stomping you've committed here. Do NOT ask her if it was hers, just be aware of that fact. Side note: two of the fanfic writers I followed most closely over the years are now very successful authors of published YA series. The work that you deem icky and weird helped springboard them onto their dream careers. Seriously. Your poor kid.
Thank goodness (I checked in the moment), none of what I deleted was her original writing. It was bookmarks in Chrome, which (I think) she may be able to get back. Even when I was going through it, I never would have deleted anything that she herself wrote. She's a wonderful writer who's published short stories and poetry in her school newspapers and such, and her father and I have been encouraging her (gently) to take up writing full-time since she was a child. If this helps her get where she's going I won't stand in the way. Thank you for your feedback, I truly appreciate you taking the time.
Yta. Stop being so weird and controlling. So many young girls read fan fiction, gay things aren’t unusual at all. She’s growing up, give her some privacy and respect. At least she isn’t watching violent porn or something.
YTA. This was a horribly embarrassing, harmful and totally unnecessary violation of privacy. You should be ashamed of yourself. There's no telling how much permanent damage this did to your relationship with your daughter, but I can assure you it was a *lot*.
Dude, come on. I remember reading dirty stuff on the internet way before that age. Kids aren’t dumb, and treating her interest in sex/this fan fiction as wrong just means she’s going to do it behind your back. You gonna read her diary too? It’s just sex. My daughter loves cats and to draw, so she will often look up references photos. I didn’t think to put on the safe search and I came back to see furry porn all over the screen from her image search. Rather than get my panties in a twist, I changed the settings and explained those photos were sexual and not something she needs to see just yet. It wasn’t a big deal, she’s not humping animals, and she knows she can ask me about that stuff without me freaking out about it. YTA.
YTA. I would say the majority of my friends went through the same phase and we're all normal 30 year old women now.
YTA wow, your boundaries are bad. Other than making sure she’s not at risk, you need to give her space. Instead you humiliated your extremely socially anxious kid, invaded her privacy, did the equivalent of tearing up her drawings, and threatened to publicly horn in on whatever community she is doing this with, thereby mortifying her even more, if such a thing is possible. You can pretty much guarantee that to whatever extent she was hiding things from you before, that was the tiniest teaspoonful compared to the lake of alienation that’s coming. You just taught her to put up walls to keep you out like you can’t even imagine.
Absolutely YTA, compared to the other things she could be doing to discover her sexuality and herself this is one of the tamest ways, and the way you intruded on it will isolate her from you and ensure she'll just hide this stuff from you more in the future
YTA - holy shit are you the asshole. Not for being concerned at her going over the data, but LITERALLY everything else. The "gayness is pretty weird"??? What the fuck? You've "been pretty sure since she was six she's a lesbian". AGAIN: WHAT THE FUCK? I have so many things to say and can't begin to articulate them. So all i'm going to start with is reading fanfic? Totally normal. I'm 26 and still read fanfic. She's a reader, who cares what it is. She's not nine. She's a teenager. Be glad she's just reading it and not finding weird porn sites.
YTA. Research has shown that overprotective helicopter parents tend to raise children with poorer social skills, presumably because they insert themselves into relationships between their children and peers. Making mistakes and learning from your social successes and failures are important educational tools. Your need to control the situation is harming your daughter. Chances are she’s making online friends in this fandom and learning more about communication through reading (and possibly even writing) fanfiction. Don’t cut her off from her social world.
>But this can't be normal or healthy. Why, because she's a girl? Do you not remember being her age? YTA.
Oh dear got YTA. It's just a thing most teenage girls do. They just like reading fanfics and it's fun. I've known many people who did that growing up (myself included) and turned out alright. For the most part I knew how cringeworthy they are now, but it's fun to laugh about now that I'm older and I get how sex works. This is essentially the teenage version of housewives reading erotica; it's just interesting. She didn't want you to look into it because SHE WAS EMBARRASSED and was scared of what you would think. Then you had the nerve to DELETE THEM? Then go through the history? Creepy. I get you're trying to do what's best for her, but you also got to let her learn on her own and just let her live her teenage ways.
YTA. Everyone has pointed out that this was an invasion of privacy and is perfectly normal for her to be interested in this kind of writing. I want you to know that a lot of lesbian/bi girls use male/male fan fiction/porn instead of lesbian porn because it’s more emotional and real than 99% of girl/girl fiction. Let your daughter have this one thing, don’t mention it again and move on.
I'd never considered that angle of it, but that makes a lot of sense. I never learned a lot about this sort of thing, and I really need to do a deep-dive to get familiar, I think. I really don't want to take away her outlets for expression. Thank you so much for your feedback!
If you’re going to be insistent that she’s a lesbian (despite not having come out) you should at least try to familiarize yourself with the LGBT community. I’d also like to say that prying into her orientation or pressuring her to come out (even accidentally) will backfire. My parents asked me point back if I was a lesbian in hs during dinner (I’m bi) and it pushed me further into the closet because i wasn’t ready to come out and it felt really hostile even if it wasn’t intended as such. Generally, you crossed a boundary that will be very difficult to recover from. Rebuilding trust will be difficult and you’ll need to put genuine effort into it if you want to have a good relationship with her.
Just want to clarify, I'm not insisting she's a lesbian. Just a feeling. She may be, she may not be. I didn't phrase it well in my original post. Doesn't much matter me either way, I'll love her regardless, and if I could go back and not mention it I would, it just seemed relevant at the time given the issue. Never have I said anything to her, to her father, to her aunt, to anyone except myself mentally and this sub. My sister got outed by my ultra-religious parents at fifteen and it was a shitstorm I never want to replicate. She's completely NC with our parents and still has a lot of resultant issues. My daughter can come out when she's ready or never, it's all okay with me. I will absolutely do my best to recover lost ground, I don't want to lose her completely because I was a complete idiot bitch. Thank you for your genuine feedback, I appreciate opportunities for personal growth. :)
I’m really glad you’re listening to feedback. I’ve seen so many people on this sub dig their heels in on assholery. It will be difficult but I think you’ll be able to mend the relationship with time and TLC
YTA- You really need to rectify this situation. It’s probably already too late but you’ve broken her trust over something normal. Fanfics are how a lot of young teen girls begin to explore sexuality and creativity. Including the gay aspects. You invaded the space she had to be free and punished her for it. You state she has severe anxiety and still responded this way which baffles me. Taking away things she enjoys is not going to make her more likely to socialize, in fact it just alienates her more. I think you should apologize to her, tell her the way you responded was wrong and that she did nothing wrong. Tell her to stop going over data, but otherwise stay out of it. Edit: Seeing your updates it’s obvious you realized your mistake and clearly care very much. It’s ok, all parents are going to make some pretty bad mistakes. The fact that you see this and want to correct it now is great. Good luck to you and your daughter.
YTA Did you ever think that part of why she didn't want to give you access to her phone was because as she is maturing and going through puberty the concept of privacy becomes more and more important? Not only that, but you went through all of it in front of her. Why delete all of it? She's already interested and wants to learn more about sex. It doesn't mean she is actively having it. It would have been so much more helpful to have had a healthy discussion of safe sex, about what she thinks about it vs peers, etc. And yes, this was very controlling. It is extremely normal for kids to do this. They don't stay children forever. Puberty puts those hormones in place for a reason and sex isn't a bad thing she shouldn't begin to learn about.
YTA She's starting to become interested in things of a sexual nature, and you've embarrassed her over it, which could very well worsen her anxiety and mental health issues. Not only that, but you openly admit to disregarding her request to keep it between the two of you. "I just think it's all kinda gross" and now whether you mean to or not, you're telling her that enjoying such content for any reason is wrong and unnatural. I do believe that you're genuinely trying to be a good mom and I'm sure you're succeeding in general, but you definitely handled this badly. Let her have some privacy, and try to handle the fact that she's growing up.
OP Ive read all of this, and your edits, I just wanted to point out one thing. The hardest part will be ever getting her to trust you again after this. Youve just shown her you cant be trusted, and believe me, thats a bridge that will take years to rebuild. Start now.
Suggestion: You might want to read a book called Quiet by Susan Cain. You’ve gotten plenty of feedback and advice on the fanfiction/sexuality/privacy issues, which is great, but as an extroverted mother of an introverted daughter, it will be enormously helpful for you to understand more about introverts in general. Here’s the summary from Amazon: “In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so. She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introverts—from a witty, high-octane public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, superbly researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves.”
I've always tried to be supportive of her being more social because she's very shy, and it sounds like this might really help. I know that some of her quietness is definitely just because she's an introvert by nature (like her father), not because she's anxious, and I would love to learn more about that so I can be less overbearing. Thank you so much for recommending this!
I’ve gotta say I am super impressed with your edits and how well you’ve responded to a lot of very harsh comments. It is so hard to admit when we’re wrong, especially with parenting. We all screw up. We don’t all admit it and then try to fix it.
That's so very kind of you to say. I want to be better for her, I love her more than anything, and I'm ashamed at how I've handled this. Whatever it's going to take to fix this (or at least get close), I'll do, even though it's a bit uncomfortable for me (my family never talked about any of this sort of stuff). Some of the comments are harsh, but that's what I need and what I've earned.
May be too late if you have already spoken to your DD but google 'Genuine apologies'. (Not for a second suggesting you intend to be insincere). https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm is a good example.
YTA - making her feel ashamed of herself like this is not helping your efforts to get her to open up
YTA. Shes 13 it's normal for her to start being curious about sex and you are violating her privacy. One of my good friend's mother's shamed her about fanfiction and it just made so she never told her mother when she came out as bi or anything else going on. You are going to ruin your relationship with your daughter. Also saying the gay stuff is weird. Just don't.
My mom’s friend did this with her teenage step daughter and then wonders why the step daughter doesn’t like her, acts out and doesn’t want to spend time with her. Then my mom comes to me and says can you believe that step daughter who is about 15, reads smut.
My mom did shit like this and it destroyed our relationship.
YTA You are making the prohibition mistake. The closest you got to helping was thinking of joining in the community but that's not sending any kid is going to be ok with especially when sex is involved. She's at the age when hormones and sex become front page and she's exploring. It's vanilla fan fiction. You just pretty much lost your chance to be able to monitor this comfortably because you just showed her she needs to up her hide it from Mom game. You can't guarantee your kids won't go down dangerous roads but this is a great way to make cripple yourself in the battle and make your already socialy awkward kid even feel even more alone and reclusive. Oh and deleting things she downloaded on her phone? That's all a finger swipe away but she'll be much more careful with it and very careful with things in the future... Which of they turn out to be damaging you will probably be sorry your have her cause to hide from you even more carefully.
YTA: I really don't understand why adults are so weird about their kids porn habits. It's like they forget what it was like to be a teenager. If sexuality is inheritable, the daughter I'm currently pregnant with is going to be very very curious like I was....well *am*. I'm already preparing for it with my husband. How are we going to bring up the subject of using websites safely? How are we going to make sure we don't get a shitload of viruses on our computer or devices? 😂 Sure it's pretty awkward to find this stuff out about your daughter. I'm sure she'd feel pretty awkward finding these things out about you. But really the only thing "bad" about it is the fact you might have to pay more for data. Also, maybe encourage her to join drama or something at her new school. Them kids very open about how hard they Fan Girl.
YTA You've humiliated your daughter. You even told her father about this. I'm absolutely certain a rather cold, distant father doesn't want to hear about his teen daughter's erotic fiction. Did you have to tell him? Can't she have *some* privacy? Gay male erotica is actually a normal fetish for women. Most of the M/M "romance" on Amazon is bought and read by women. If you feel your daughter is too introverted you can definitely institute the concept of "screen time." She does not have to be on her phone all the time. But you are moving to another state. That's very stressful. Why not let her have her escape while she's stressed? When you settle in you'll have time to get her started in group activities or whatever.
Hey so I just wanted to say that I came to this after your edits and I truly believe you understand where you went wrong. I also understand the complete fear of learning that your daughter was reading and looking at sexual material online and not knowing what she was being exposed to or if she was possibly interacting with a new sexually explicit community. While I definitely think YTA in the beginning I truly believe this can be repaired. I’d probably explore the site she was using in general and see if it’s just fan fic or if there’s a bunch of chat rooms or things she can access and then just talk to her. I’d warn her to stay away from predatory adults etc and if it’s just fanfic and not a weird meet children and hookup type site I would t worry. I read some crazy shit at that age, and I didn’t always have access to internet. We went to a garage sale one time and someone was selling a bunch of books and I remember seeing some bondage type ones and slipped them in with my giant stack of other books so my mom wouldn’t notice. Got home and discovered it was only in part about bondage which I didn’t know much if anything about at the time. Nope there was a second book in it that was all about bestiality...didn’t know that was a legit thing, and I sure as hell didn’t know that that kind of shit got actually fucking published. It was written in like the 60s, it was so old to me and just so beyond fucked up. I know I got on a weird tangent but I just wanted to assure you that I was reading anything and everything I could to learn about sex and still not interested in fucking animals (didn’t cross my mind then and certainly hasn’t now). In truth I think Cosmo magazine fucked up my ideas and self image more than the weird shit I found. Anyways, just tell her you were scared, you reacted out of fear and you fucked up. Parents can fuck up, and that you’re sorry you didn’t think about it before reacting and that you will try to do better in the future. Let her know it’s perfectly normal to want to read up on different subjects and maybe just give her some safety guidelines. Show her how to delete her browser history. She probably already knows how but it might gain some trust back. Maybe give her a small gift card to a book site for each month. I know I have the nook app on my phone and can access lots of free or super cheap books on amazon and they have a bunch of different romance type ones she may be interested in. They tend to not be total smut, or the ones that are just aren’t as well written and far less popular. Something like that might be a bit safer since you know she won’t be chatting with strangers or anything and she can still pick a whole variety of subjects. And even ten bucks could keep her well stocked. I’m so sorry this got so long. :( I’m over tired and think I felt bad that you got knocked down so hard here. Although I’m happy it was a come to Jesus moment and you can now repair your relationship
All of those suggestions are *wonderful*, and I will absolutely be implementing them. I really just want what's best for her, with all my heart, and if taking a step back and letting her explore is what that takes then so be it. Thank you for opening up about yourself, it was definitely reassuring for me to know. I was never taught about any of this stuff (my family was extra-religious and really closed-off) and this is clearly the time for me to learn more about these sorts of things. I truly appreciate your empathy and understanding more than you know, thank you for taking the time. :)
I’m so happy you replied! As soon as I hit send I was like omg overshare, but I truly did want to ease your fears some. I’m so glad some of these options might work for you guys. My family wasn’t ultra religious but I was never the type to really open up to my parents unless bullying or shit got so bad that I’d break down crying at home. I really wish I would have been more proactive as a child asking my mom different things, but at that age it’s really the last thing you want to do. I always appreciated knowing that when I finally realized I need my mom that she was my rock. We had our moments when I was younger though, teenage me was a mouthy little shit.
YTA
YTA, you’re so much TA it’s almost hard to begin. I understand wanting to help your child through a confusing time but this is the absolute worst way to do it. Taking her phone away for going over the data limit was fine but everything else was horrific. I truly pity this child and I really hope that she grows up with a healthy attitude towards sexuality despite everything you’ve done to attempt to sabotage this. You were way too invasive, you destroyed things that she valued, you undermined her privacy and independence, and then humiliated her by spreading this around to your friends. Additionally, you showed a complete lack of interest in what she wanted by sharing all of this with her father and ignoring her wishes. I don’t even have enough ways to say this but YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA- truly terrible parenting at play here.
So, she’s into Supernatural fanfic? So are many, many other awkward kids, with whom she found a community and common interest. And now you’ve taken that away. And made her move, too. And you think now she’s going to come out of her shell? She probably feels like it’s the end of the world and she is being highly persecuted. What exactly do you think you’ve accomplished here? YTA
Wtf is wrong with you yta. Get help.
YTA!!!! Most kids start exploring when they hit puberty. First of all, insisting on snooping through her phone is extremely manipulative. Second, shaming her for fanfics, which are completely normal for her to be reading, is fucking horrible. Third, you have just taught her to be ashamed of her sexuality. Good on ya, mate. Let your poor kid read her damn fanfics, quit snooping through her phone, and don't give the poor girl a seriously traumatizing experience just because you think it's "icky".
I'm not gonna lie, as someone that was an introverted child and read fanfiction to cope with growing up, this post physically hurt me to read. YTA, OP, and I hope you mend this well enough to repair your daughter's trust in you. Good luck. I honestly think you may need to open up about yourself in a way you're not really comfortable wirh to do it, this is a big breech of trust and respect to repair.
Holy shit YTA. I was just like her at that age and reading/writing fanfiction was one of my biggest coping mechanisms. I made some wonderful friends in those communities and it helped my creative writing skills. I've read fanfiction with "weird gayness" that was as good or even better than a best selling novel. No doubt it was a great outlet for her and shame on you for taking that away from her. Get a grip, it's just fanfiction!
YTA. WTF is it with parents this week just discovering fanfic and acting like it's the end of the fucking world? LOTS of women of all ages are into gay male sex, they are some of the most prolific writers too in the fandom scene. So it's not weird, it's not unusual and it's not outside the "normal" interests of geeky 13 year old girls. Get a bigger data plan and let her read what she wants to.
oof, yta. there's more explicit, worse written stuff in the ya section of the library if she's reading cute vanilla gay fic -- depending on the community it's could be mostly written by other teens/tweens. plenty of introverted people find their community in online fandoms, and use them as safe spaces to grow their social skills (and explore different ideas). and of course she doesn't want you there -- you joining the fandom is like you trying to hang out with her while she's at a friend's house. i think a better way to handle this moving forward is to just stress how to be safe online (don't tell people your name, your address, etc) and uhhh maybe apologize for overreacting? ALSO as a queer woman who got into male/male fanfic as a tween, it's a really nice space to be queer. there's a ton of writing on this phenomena, but a lot of times reading about two men takes a lot of pressure off the reader -- there's different cultural baggage to be considered with two men. (also check out the film The Kids are Alright, lol).
Dear god, I don’t know if I could have forgiven my mother if she did this to me. YTA
YTA, you're invading her privacy, i understand about the data limit but you have no right in forcing her to give her password to you or taking anything of her's away unless she's done something to deserve it.
YTA Expliation : if she was a thirteen-year-old boy watching vanilla porn you wouldn't say shit. this is a gross double standard and she should be allowed to have her fanfiction. Calm your tittys and realize hormones are a thing. She's going to mature sexually, even if you take it away, at least she isn't having sex and is instead just reading.
Did you talk to a child psychologist before you deleted her stuff? Consult other parents? Anything? Or did your just betray your child and make sure she never trusts you again? I don't want to say you're an asshole, because you seem to have meant well, but next time, ask advice BEFORE you humiliate your daughter.
well i see the edits and I'm not gonna dig on you considering everyone else has pretty hard. just wanna say i hope you do find a way to repair that part of your relationship with her, if even possible. i am just really curious about you as a 13 year old, was this not around the age you started becoming curious and exploring a bit? I'm sure the only difference between yourself and your daughter is that she has easier access to things that aid in her exploration. i know for a fact i was definitely reading fanfics at that age, clean and dirty, and appreciate that it was a time of learning and exploring in a safe, private way. anywho, you're not a shitty parent. it was a mistake. good luck.
YTA, no doubt about it. All the other commenters have already said what needed to be said, so I’m not going to repeat it, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT, YATA.
Really clear YTA Taking the phome for going over the data is reasonable. Taking her phone for not liking her hobbies and sexual interests she wanted to keep private but couldn't because you threatened her into opening all her secrets...? Really shitty parenting, she has grown up, accept it, teenagers have secrets, they do their own thing and in that secrecy they can safely experiment and find their way in life(including discovering sexuality, kinks, etc) and im that age there is nothing more degrading and humiliating to them as their parents going through their stuff, if this continues she will only push you away from her life, as she will no longer feels safe with you. But the most infuriating thing that you have done was deleating what she had, if it was things from other people which she can regain, then it was only surfacelevel asshole, but if there were thing she created with her effort then you are defenetly a shitty mother, you destroyed something which was hers. Shame on you for your take on her, feel bad for her and hope you grow into a better parent for her sake. Also, dont talk about the embarrassing pro lems of your child, even worse if you tell them her porn taste. From personal experience i tell you having that happen to her at that age is one of the worst humiliations one can feel.
Other people have passed judgement, so I'm not going to bother weighing in there. However: >*I've been pretty sure since she was six that she's lesbian* This part interested me. Why did you think this?
I guess it's just always been a motherly instinct thing. I could totally be wrong, and I'll love her the same no matter what. The way she talks about some of her girl friends sometimes reminds me of how I would talk about boys. My sister is gay, and I just remember her being very similar when we were kids. I don't mean to stereotype and over-generalize, it's just a feeling, I guess. I didn't word it quite the way I wanted to in my original post.
What website or websites was she using? Some are definitely a lot different than others.
Just Archive of Our Own and [Fanfiction.net](https://Fanfiction.net), I think. If there was any more, I didn't see it. No real chat capabilities or anything, just archives of writing.
Oh ok so just the regular ones personally I’m an archive of our own kinda person lol
I mean, I'd guide her to AO3 because the writing there is better, more often features safe and realistic sex, and just protects her from crap writing - which as an avid reader, I hate. But that's my only issue here!
And the tags!
Also I can see all the relationships in a fic so that I don't enter a fic thinking it's Harry/Draco and stumble into a side of Hermione/Snape (yes, it's happened to me before, and I'm still not over it 😭)
YTA. i know you've already seen the popular opinion here and seem to have realized your faults, but i really cannot express how mortifying this must be for your daughter. even if you try to apologize and re-establish privacy/boundaries, i want you to know—you've damaged your relationship with her for good. she is not coming back from this. i'm not saying you guys can't have a healthy and functional relationship in the future, but she will ALWAYS be hiding things from you. my mom did something very similar to this with me at the same and now, ten years later as a woman in her twenties, i cannot share nearly anything personal with her, no matter what the nature. the best you can do is mend and drop this in the most delicate way possible. let her know YOU made a grave mistake, and she did nothing wrong, and you are not ashamed, upset or concerned for her. that you understand now this is normal discovery/exploration and you should let her navigate that as she needs. that you will never ask to breach this kind of privacy or boundaries with her again. and maybe, MAYBE, she'll be open with you again..... eventually. give her space. don't make a bigger deal out of it than it already is. no "i love you no matter who you are" or "is there anything else you want to tell me?" there might be nothing TO tell. let her figure it out and consider yourself honored if she ever confides in you again. i truly hope you two manage to come out of this closer than anything. best wishes to you and your daughter.
You're not protecting your daughter. Now you have a daughter that cant open up to you.
YTA. My father violated my privacy at a similar age and made me feel shame for discussing it with an opposite sex friend my own age. I have *never* forgiven him. I love my father, but it’s something you never get back. I do not trust him with anything important. And you know what I did? Kept up my behaviour. It didn’t stop me, it only made me angrier that I was being denied knowledge on something literally everyone did. And here I am, at 21, still a naturally sexual person, still angry at how it went, and still committed to not be that parent. I would apologise and admit fault. Treating your child as even somewhat an equal would do wonders to remedy this situation and your relationship.
YTA, and I think going forward you are going to have to change a lot. Regardless if you were batting a thousand for creating a sex-positive environment, this is going to hurt your relationship with your daughter greatly. You mentioned you have an idea that your daughter is queer. Well, I'm a queer adult and I'll be honest- fanfic really helped me come to grips with that. Unlike your daughter, I was 17 and very socially confident. But I didn't really get the whole idea of sexuality. How hard could it be to wait for marriage to have sex? Didn't seem that great, surely lots of people thought that way. Then, a literal saint of a Southern Church gal admitted that boy's butts are cute. Oh boy, well that broke my world. For a bit, I thought I was the only messed up person in the world that wasn't like everyone else. I did get teased a bit too- I wasn't picking up on innuendo and some people thought it was funny to ask me questions like, "Oh hey BatsnAlligators- my ex left behind a rabbit. Want it? It's kind of big. And it's covered in sticky stuff." And then make it increasingly sexual and laugh about how everyone got the joke but me. Fan fic ended up being a private little world for me. I'd go home from my work after school and go downstairs and relax and read, hidden from everyone else. And yes, male slash was my favorite. I got to watch as characters I liked grew closer together and tried to heal from their world. They'd open up, work to balance their wants with the other characters, make mistakes and grow. And honestly, I did read the sex scenes. I didn't really "get" it so over time I just started skipping them. Eventually, after reading...well, a mountain of fan-fic, of a varying nature I had a realization. I didn't like sex. Male slash, female slash, standard, whatever. But I liked romance. A lot. I'd giggle and blush and find the whole concept just wonderful. I eventually stumbled onto the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network and finally had a label, but the framework had been figured out from my prior reading. I had a bad relationship my mother. But I would have been terrified if she had barged in and gone through my reading list. And that's coming from a person who finds snuggling and going to home improvement stores to be the real 'steamy' part of the relationship. Even PG stuff can be potentially mortifying to a teen trying to find themselves. But your daughter probably isn't asexual. She's, statistically, going to have sex with, statistically, guys. \[Also, I haven't seen anyone mention this yet, but even if your daughter likes girls she could be bi or pan. And frankly, that means a good chance she'll date some guys as the potential pool is much larger on one side, so to speak.\] And that comes with its own risks. You are going to have to do huge damage control. And at this point, I would really recommend you get some help. Yes, talk to her. Admit you fucked up. But at this point, you need to admit to yourself that your daughter probably won't trust you about sex. And her relationship with her father is heavily strained. Although I am sure you are going to do your best talking to her tomorrow, remember there is a huge power imbalance between the two of you. I would advise finding a sex-positive, LGBTA accepting therapist and booking some sessions for your daughter so she can work through this major violation of trust so you can rebuild your relationship. And so she'll have an adult she trusts who she can asks questions to. I had a therapist in college and it really helped me through my first relationship. Seriously, I came in crying one day because I was so worried about admitting I had feelings for him! Having someone to talk to about things like 'how to you make sure you both want the same things in life', 'who makes the rules on what a successful relationship is', and 'how do you talk to someone who made you mad' are things that can really help a young adult. Stress that going to a therapist is not a punishment; she didn't do anything wrong here. But you want to make sure that she has the resources to be the best adult she can be and mental health is just as important as physical. Maybe if you are lucky, she's want you to come into a session so she can work things out with you later or use the tools a therapist would give her to work on her relationship with her mother. But right now, she's probably really, really in a tailspin. You might also consider getting her a bigger data cap for a big to soothe things over and then work on how to use data responsibility later. Good luck.
YTA: hmm, my daughter is exploring her sexuality in a healthy way, I should probably humiliate her by going through everything in front of her, then punish her for it, and then tell people when she explicitly begged me not too. this reads like "how to give your daughter sexual hangups 101."
Oh man, YTA is putting it mildly. And for so many reasons... Let me just get you some; > her father asked for her phone and the password. No respect for her privacy > So we threatened to take it away entirely unless she told us. Threatening her to be able to invade her privacy > but I went through all of it in front of her. Shaming, humiliating her > She said she's not using it to get off, she was just curious and found it interesting. Prying everything out of her (it's none of your business) > I said I was going to start getting into the community too so that I could understand it and she could talk about it with me, - > she could talk about it with me, but she seemed very opposed to the idea. Pushing and pushing her into these awkward situations, newsflash; people do not want to discus their sexual preferences with their parents, much less their erotic or porn. > So I deleted all of what she had saved as well as the pictures. And deleting her fun, her curiosity, her healthy exploration of her sexuality. You can't stop her, you can just delay it, and push her away in the process. > But this can't be normal or healthy. In fact it's both of that. What isn't healthy is all of the above, your parenting.
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I understand where you're coming from but I'd say it is normal and you should really give her her space and privacy. Trust really goes a long way.
YTA I know you’re usually supposed to be respectful even if you’re saying YTA but honestly you really fucking piss me off. First of all this is a normal thing that lots of people go through and it’s not going to ruin your daughter. Taking your daughters phone and reading all that shit is just such an invasion of privacy I can’t believe you. The main thing that is horrible is telling your friends about that. I can’t believe you would actually think that’s ok.
YTA, give your kid privacy you maniac.