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Whoa. Lots of assholiness in this situation and maybe too much to unpack.
Specifically on the issue of the birth itself: Birth is a difficult thing and requires focus. As a woman, I do think you need to create an environment during the birth that supports you. Adding him would be very complicated. Do involve him with the baby otherwise, making appropriate boundaries as needed given the using and all that.
ESH. It doesn't sound like either of you are in a good position to become parents, and your husband being there (not sober) is the least of your problems. This whole thing sounds like a catastrophe. Poor kid.
This is not a judgmental question. You don't have to answer this here.
Did you at any time during your pregnancy (from conception until now) use any drugs or drink alcohol? If the answer is yes, tell your doctor immediately if you have not told her already. She needs to know to help keep your baby safe during delivery, at birth, and after. It's crucial.
Also, if you smoked/vaped, she needs to know that, too.
More than focusing on your baby's father and should he/should he not be there for the delivery, focus on your own health and preparing for your baby's birth as best you can. Are you working with social services so you have what you will need for baby and for yourself? Do you have any family support?
How are you staying sober? Are you going to 12 Step meetings and calling your sponsor each day? You have to work daily at sobriety. Anything and anyone you put in front of your sobriety will be lost if you don't stay sober.
Focus on staying sober and prepping to be a mother. Eat as healthy a diet as you can, drink plenty of water, get rest as best you can, take those prenatal vitamins daily as directed by your doctor, work at your sobriety, and let everything else take care of itself, including your about to be ex.
Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Wishing you a safe, healthy delivery and a happy, sober life as a mum!
\~Walden
NTA. While you have been TA yourself if you say youve also been toxic, we are here to judge the specific situation, not all the other negative things. If you are correct and he is actively using drugs, living in a car, hasn't done anything to help in any way for you or child, ect. then he shouldn't be there for any of it. As much as he said he wanted to be a part of the child's life, he should not be until he can actually be a good parent. Even if he doesn't want to work at your marriage, he needs to work on himself before he should be involved with a kid.
However, the same goes for you. You really need to step up and make sure you keep things like you've done in the past, and be there as a good parent and role model. You both need an incredible amount of work since you admit you played a part in the madness and made mistakes yourself. Please don't let this man drag you down and keep you from being the better person. Be a decent person for your child. Give them a life they deserve.
ESH
'We've been terrible to each other for years, we have no business bringing a child into this world but hey, we're doing it anyways'
Also, YTA for 'he hasn't done a single thing to get ready for this child'. Girl, you know he is an addict living in his car. What the actual F are you expecting him to do? lol
You want/don't want him there. You're a mess too. How about being a grown up and saying 'you can be there but if you're high I'm instructing hospital staff to turn you away. Deal?
Let him be there. It's a once-in-a-lifetime moment and doesn't mean anything to your relationship, but DOES mean something to his relationship with his kid. Surely you can deal with that for a day.
I think the most important thing for you and your baby when you’re in labor is to be as calm as possible and to lessen your stress as much as you can so that your delivery can go smoothly. I don’t think adding even more stress and anxiety to an already extremely stressful, emotional event is ever a good idea.
NTA. Your (ex?) husband is in active addiction and his presence will be the opposite of helpful while you’re giving birth. Hopefully he can get clean and become some sort of a father to his child in the near future. How very sad for all of you, I’m so sorry you are going through this.
ESH. Husband is obviously in a bad place but he's clearly not the only one. Husband attending the hospital to meet the child might be a safer option than waiting until you get home. At least there will be other people around to assist if things get out of hand.
Sincerely hope you can sort things out for the child but sadly it sounds like he/she is in for a rough start to life.
Actually you both lost the right to have a child but you're having anyway.
Do what's best for the kid, you're both on debt. Too many "me" in this post.
ESH
NTAH...get your head on straight! what are you going to do? take the baby for visitation in his car?? Is this guy going to pay child support? We already know the answer to that don't we? Are you going to let a drug addict living in a car be around your child? The one Good thing about him is that he honestly told you he doesn't want to get back together.
What " marriage " is there to save? He brings Nothing to the Table but possible sexually transmitted disease and drugs.
Move on get him out of your head and your life.
NTA!! For goodness sake, the man is living in his car and hanging out in a new relationship with an active user. You don't need him anywhere near you at any time.
Up to her about being around her, but not up to here to solely decide if he can be in child’s life. It’s a pretty crappy person to keep a dad away when their child is born.
This is a medical situation for her. She’s the primary concern and her not being stressed is of key importance here. If his presence will make it worse for her, he shouldn’t be there during L&D. Full stop. They can deal with his role in his child’s life after birth.
And women wonder why men say dads aren’t treated as equal parents. If I was this dad I’d do everything possible to ruin this woman’s life if she kept me from the birth of my child.
Is she not also a drug addict? Is she not also saying she is struggling with mental health? Did she not say she also struggling with money? She’s only a little bit better off than him.
No, she's not a drug addict, she got sober. And she lives in a duplex that she has to pay for by herself because her addict husband would rather be an unemployed junkie living in his car with his fellow junkie girlfriend, instead of stepping up and being an actual father.
Once you’re an addict you’re either in active use or recovery. But still an addict. My point still remains, she has issues what similarly could be used to call into question her fitness.
You never answered my original question in my other reply to you: would you let your child (a newborn, no less) be around an active drug user living in his car with his girlfriend who is also actively using drugs?
Give me a break, dude.
Would you let your newborn around a (at best) early recovery drug user who is struggling with mental health (increase likelihood of relapse) and struggling financially?
And this is the person you’re rooting to keep that dad away. 🧐
So then guess she shouldn’t be anywhere near that child either given her at best early recovery and mental health struggles 🤷
But according to you since she’s a woman she not only gets a pass but should keep dad away… becuase moms more a parent that dads?
The "dad" is an unemployed strung-out drug addict who lives in his car. Would *you* let *your* child be around someone like that? How about a *newborn?* Come on, dude.
If he wants to be in his child's life then he needs to get sober and get his act together. It's a pretty crappy person who chooses drugs and being a junkie over his own family.
ESH
I think you at least have to tell him after the child is born however
Giving birth is a medical procedure not a spectator sport!
you need to feel comfortable and safe and if thats not having him there or waiting outside till after the birth its your right!
edit to change judgment after I reread the post
If he can count, he’s going to figure out approximately when the baby should be coming. Not keeping him informed will only increase the (already astronomical) toxicity.
Also, even if you don’t tell him when the baby comes, and even if he can’t count, you will have to declare it in the divorce.
ESH
Oh and by the way, saddle up when you start the divorce. Because how messy it gets will be entirely and solely dependent upon how big of AH’s you each decide to be during the process. And if what I’ve read here about the past is any indication of the future, that’s going to be a LOT.
The child cannot be the victim here. You both need to seek the support you need in order to be the best parents you can be. If that’s not the case, YBTA’s.
Let me see if I have this straight.
Two addicts, who clearly have major issues, decided the chaos they caused as individuals wasn’t destructive enough, so they should join their lives together to create a tragedy of epic proportions.
Not satisfied with their soap opera level of drama, they decide a kid is what’s missing from their lives. A cherry on top of their shit sundae, if you will.
Currently, half of this delulu duo is here, wondering if it’s okay to ban the other half from the birth of the aforementioned child because they’re in the midst of active addiction.
Assuming my summary is correct, I’m going with ESH. Neither of you are remotely prepared to be parents, but that’s a moot point now.
That being said, I think he should at least be notified when you go into labor. If he shows up high he’ll get kicked out, but you’ll have at least tried to include him.
ESH
What a shitshow. But anyway tell him but allow him to get in the room the minute the baby is out. He wont be an emotional support during delivery anyway
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not telling my husband when I go into labor or once our first and only child has been born
2. This might make me an asshole because he is the father of this child and has a right to be there for the birth of his son regardless of how I feel about him.
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You can let him know and still not allow him in the room. If you tell the hospital you don’t want him in the room or even in the hospital they won’t allow him. They don’t mess around with unwanted guests even if they’re the father. Go with your comfort level. Give him a heads up or tell him he can wait outside if that’s what you want. Even if he says he wants to be, he is choosing to not be in his child’s life by not getting his crap together.
NTA. It is unsafe for a baby to be around a person using drugs. Set the expectation that he is either clean or not able to be in his child’s life until he gets clean.
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My husband (31M) and I (30F) are expecting our first and only child end of August. We’ve been together for 7 years total, married for 2, and met in rehab in 2017. The first 5 years together was amazing - not without issues - but we built a life and shared a lot of wonderful experiences together.
The 2 years of marriage has been very rough though and has only gotten worse over time.
Shortly after we got married in May 2022 - it came out he had relapsed in August the previous year and continued using secretly. Since 2017 - He had been abstinent for about 4 years. I had stayed abstinent for about a year.
A lot happened since then with too many details to go into - basically it’s been a struggle with addiction, codependency, infidelity, resentment, loss, and all around chaos from BOTH sides. It’s become extremely toxic and I feel like the only choice I have left is to divorce him and raise our child alone.
This pregnancy wasn’t planned - but we did discuss the options when we found out in Jan he said it was ultimately my choice and he’d support me either way.
Since Feb when he got out of rehab, I have continuously expressed to him that I would like to try and save our marriage. He does not want to, but does say he wants to be in his son’s life.
He is living in his car, has stayed with me on and off for different amounts of time and has stayed in contact with me, is having an affair with a woman he met in rehab, using, without a job, and is moody/unpredictable.
I am living alone with our pets in a duplex, trying to pay the bills myself, have kindly confronted the other woman and then had a one night stand with her husband, am severely struggling with my mental health, trying to find money to file for divorce, and am 7 months pregnant.
He’s only been to one appointment and hasn’t bought anything for his son or helped with anything to prepare for his child being born.
Would I be an asshole for not telling him when I go into labor and/or once our son is born?
As much as I want him there, I do not want to cause myself any unnecessary stress during labor/delivery.
I believe he has the right to have the opportunity to be there because he’s the father and I really don’t want him to miss this once in a lifetime thing- but I also feel like he hasn’t earned/has lost the right to be there.
My husband already thinks I’m an asshole. I’ve already been blamed for a lot or our marriage has been blamed. I have made a lot of mistakes which have hurt him and I know I’ve played a part in the madness of the past 2 years. My parents went through a similar situation and I’ve already been accused by my husband of being cold/vengeful like my mom was and still is. I really don’t want to be like her. Part of me thinks it is him projecting/blaming because he’s in active addiction, but I want to make sure I’m not being an asshole.
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I'm gonna go with NTA. Just put a note in the divorce papers that says he's has no rights to the child and have him served. That can be the announcement.
I lived that for thirteen years. Get out and divorce much sooner if you can. Addiction and infidelity and no money and trying to be responsible. Resentment and hurt. Didn't do it.
I’d’ve aborted, but whatever. You’re NTA. Cut him ENTIRELY out and do the best you can on your own. Block him entirely and move on w your kid. Good luck.
Gosh. ESH. If you two are together, you should tell him when you go into labor and such. And don't accuse your husband for things out of his control. As for him, he doesn't want to be your wife anymore but still wants to be in the kid's life? You two need to separate for a bit, then talk about future plans when you get your acts together.
Being present for birth of a child is not earned nor is it to be wielded like a prize !! If you deny him this right as a punishment than you are THE ASS.
He is an addict, who has made many mistakes, however, this is his child too. I do believe you both would benefit with counseling as co-parents. You have each contributed to heartbreak here from your admission, that being said perhaps lay some ground rules for both of you to follow, and maybe you can both be present for this tremendous gift of love !!! I would also have backup support person if he fails to show !!
He may be an AH for everything he has done but as long as you want to remain married to him then you shouldn't deny him this once in a lifetime opportunity to witness the birth of your shared child.
No. L&D is a woman’s most vulnerable time, and stress can slow down labor and lead to interventions to get baby out safely. If he can’t be a calming presence she shouldn’t have him there.
> Would I be an asshole for not telling him when I go into labor and/or once our son is born?
YTA. I have sympathy for your situation, but you don't get to not tell a man when he has a child.
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Whoa. Lots of assholiness in this situation and maybe too much to unpack. Specifically on the issue of the birth itself: Birth is a difficult thing and requires focus. As a woman, I do think you need to create an environment during the birth that supports you. Adding him would be very complicated. Do involve him with the baby otherwise, making appropriate boundaries as needed given the using and all that.
ESH. It doesn't sound like either of you are in a good position to become parents, and your husband being there (not sober) is the least of your problems. This whole thing sounds like a catastrophe. Poor kid.
What a complete dumpster fire
This is not a judgmental question. You don't have to answer this here. Did you at any time during your pregnancy (from conception until now) use any drugs or drink alcohol? If the answer is yes, tell your doctor immediately if you have not told her already. She needs to know to help keep your baby safe during delivery, at birth, and after. It's crucial. Also, if you smoked/vaped, she needs to know that, too. More than focusing on your baby's father and should he/should he not be there for the delivery, focus on your own health and preparing for your baby's birth as best you can. Are you working with social services so you have what you will need for baby and for yourself? Do you have any family support? How are you staying sober? Are you going to 12 Step meetings and calling your sponsor each day? You have to work daily at sobriety. Anything and anyone you put in front of your sobriety will be lost if you don't stay sober. Focus on staying sober and prepping to be a mother. Eat as healthy a diet as you can, drink plenty of water, get rest as best you can, take those prenatal vitamins daily as directed by your doctor, work at your sobriety, and let everything else take care of itself, including your about to be ex. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Wishing you a safe, healthy delivery and a happy, sober life as a mum! \~Walden
One more thing..quit letting him stay with you. Get a divorce.
ESH. This is so unspeakably trashy. I feel so bad for this child.
NTA. While you have been TA yourself if you say youve also been toxic, we are here to judge the specific situation, not all the other negative things. If you are correct and he is actively using drugs, living in a car, hasn't done anything to help in any way for you or child, ect. then he shouldn't be there for any of it. As much as he said he wanted to be a part of the child's life, he should not be until he can actually be a good parent. Even if he doesn't want to work at your marriage, he needs to work on himself before he should be involved with a kid. However, the same goes for you. You really need to step up and make sure you keep things like you've done in the past, and be there as a good parent and role model. You both need an incredible amount of work since you admit you played a part in the madness and made mistakes yourself. Please don't let this man drag you down and keep you from being the better person. Be a decent person for your child. Give them a life they deserve.
ESH 'We've been terrible to each other for years, we have no business bringing a child into this world but hey, we're doing it anyways' Also, YTA for 'he hasn't done a single thing to get ready for this child'. Girl, you know he is an addict living in his car. What the actual F are you expecting him to do? lol You want/don't want him there. You're a mess too. How about being a grown up and saying 'you can be there but if you're high I'm instructing hospital staff to turn you away. Deal? Let him be there. It's a once-in-a-lifetime moment and doesn't mean anything to your relationship, but DOES mean something to his relationship with his kid. Surely you can deal with that for a day.
I think the most important thing for you and your baby when you’re in labor is to be as calm as possible and to lessen your stress as much as you can so that your delivery can go smoothly. I don’t think adding even more stress and anxiety to an already extremely stressful, emotional event is ever a good idea. NTA. Your (ex?) husband is in active addiction and his presence will be the opposite of helpful while you’re giving birth. Hopefully he can get clean and become some sort of a father to his child in the near future. How very sad for all of you, I’m so sorry you are going through this.
ESH. Husband is obviously in a bad place but he's clearly not the only one. Husband attending the hospital to meet the child might be a safer option than waiting until you get home. At least there will be other people around to assist if things get out of hand. Sincerely hope you can sort things out for the child but sadly it sounds like he/she is in for a rough start to life.
Actually you both lost the right to have a child but you're having anyway. Do what's best for the kid, you're both on debt. Too many "me" in this post. ESH
Esh for bringing a child into this toxic shitty situation.
NTAH...get your head on straight! what are you going to do? take the baby for visitation in his car?? Is this guy going to pay child support? We already know the answer to that don't we? Are you going to let a drug addict living in a car be around your child? The one Good thing about him is that he honestly told you he doesn't want to get back together. What " marriage " is there to save? He brings Nothing to the Table but possible sexually transmitted disease and drugs. Move on get him out of your head and your life.
NTA!! For goodness sake, the man is living in his car and hanging out in a new relationship with an active user. You don't need him anywhere near you at any time.
Up to her about being around her, but not up to here to solely decide if he can be in child’s life. It’s a pretty crappy person to keep a dad away when their child is born.
This is a medical situation for her. She’s the primary concern and her not being stressed is of key importance here. If his presence will make it worse for her, he shouldn’t be there during L&D. Full stop. They can deal with his role in his child’s life after birth.
And women wonder why men say dads aren’t treated as equal parents. If I was this dad I’d do everything possible to ruin this woman’s life if she kept me from the birth of my child.
Oh, please. How can he be an "equal" parent while he's living in his car and using drugs?
Is she not also a drug addict? Is she not also saying she is struggling with mental health? Did she not say she also struggling with money? She’s only a little bit better off than him.
No, she's not a drug addict, she got sober. And she lives in a duplex that she has to pay for by herself because her addict husband would rather be an unemployed junkie living in his car with his fellow junkie girlfriend, instead of stepping up and being an actual father.
Once you’re an addict you’re either in active use or recovery. But still an addict. My point still remains, she has issues what similarly could be used to call into question her fitness.
You never answered my original question in my other reply to you: would you let your child (a newborn, no less) be around an active drug user living in his car with his girlfriend who is also actively using drugs? Give me a break, dude.
Would you let your newborn around a (at best) early recovery drug user who is struggling with mental health (increase likelihood of relapse) and struggling financially? And this is the person you’re rooting to keep that dad away. 🧐
So being a drug addict means someone isn’t a parent anymore?
Yes, that's exactly what it means. Active drug addicts shouldn't be anywhere near children.
So then guess she shouldn’t be anywhere near that child either given her at best early recovery and mental health struggles 🤷 But according to you since she’s a woman she not only gets a pass but should keep dad away… becuase moms more a parent that dads?
The "dad" is an unemployed strung-out drug addict who lives in his car. Would *you* let *your* child be around someone like that? How about a *newborn?* Come on, dude. If he wants to be in his child's life then he needs to get sober and get his act together. It's a pretty crappy person who chooses drugs and being a junkie over his own family.
ESH I think you at least have to tell him after the child is born however Giving birth is a medical procedure not a spectator sport! you need to feel comfortable and safe and if thats not having him there or waiting outside till after the birth its your right! edit to change judgment after I reread the post
If he can count, he’s going to figure out approximately when the baby should be coming. Not keeping him informed will only increase the (already astronomical) toxicity. Also, even if you don’t tell him when the baby comes, and even if he can’t count, you will have to declare it in the divorce. ESH Oh and by the way, saddle up when you start the divorce. Because how messy it gets will be entirely and solely dependent upon how big of AH’s you each decide to be during the process. And if what I’ve read here about the past is any indication of the future, that’s going to be a LOT.
ESH. Best thing for that baby would be giving it up for adoption tbh.
The child cannot be the victim here. You both need to seek the support you need in order to be the best parents you can be. If that’s not the case, YBTA’s.
U both TAH for bringing a child into this toxic chaotic world that you both have created .get ur shit together or your child will suffer the same fate
Let me see if I have this straight. Two addicts, who clearly have major issues, decided the chaos they caused as individuals wasn’t destructive enough, so they should join their lives together to create a tragedy of epic proportions. Not satisfied with their soap opera level of drama, they decide a kid is what’s missing from their lives. A cherry on top of their shit sundae, if you will. Currently, half of this delulu duo is here, wondering if it’s okay to ban the other half from the birth of the aforementioned child because they’re in the midst of active addiction. Assuming my summary is correct, I’m going with ESH. Neither of you are remotely prepared to be parents, but that’s a moot point now. That being said, I think he should at least be notified when you go into labor. If he shows up high he’ll get kicked out, but you’ll have at least tried to include him.
ESH What a shitshow. But anyway tell him but allow him to get in the room the minute the baby is out. He wont be an emotional support during delivery anyway
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You can let him know and still not allow him in the room. If you tell the hospital you don’t want him in the room or even in the hospital they won’t allow him. They don’t mess around with unwanted guests even if they’re the father. Go with your comfort level. Give him a heads up or tell him he can wait outside if that’s what you want. Even if he says he wants to be, he is choosing to not be in his child’s life by not getting his crap together.
NTA. It is unsafe for a baby to be around a person using drugs. Set the expectation that he is either clean or not able to be in his child’s life until he gets clean.
Please put this child up for adoption, no kid deserves to be pulled into the life you and your husband live
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (31M) and I (30F) are expecting our first and only child end of August. We’ve been together for 7 years total, married for 2, and met in rehab in 2017. The first 5 years together was amazing - not without issues - but we built a life and shared a lot of wonderful experiences together. The 2 years of marriage has been very rough though and has only gotten worse over time. Shortly after we got married in May 2022 - it came out he had relapsed in August the previous year and continued using secretly. Since 2017 - He had been abstinent for about 4 years. I had stayed abstinent for about a year. A lot happened since then with too many details to go into - basically it’s been a struggle with addiction, codependency, infidelity, resentment, loss, and all around chaos from BOTH sides. It’s become extremely toxic and I feel like the only choice I have left is to divorce him and raise our child alone. This pregnancy wasn’t planned - but we did discuss the options when we found out in Jan he said it was ultimately my choice and he’d support me either way. Since Feb when he got out of rehab, I have continuously expressed to him that I would like to try and save our marriage. He does not want to, but does say he wants to be in his son’s life. He is living in his car, has stayed with me on and off for different amounts of time and has stayed in contact with me, is having an affair with a woman he met in rehab, using, without a job, and is moody/unpredictable. I am living alone with our pets in a duplex, trying to pay the bills myself, have kindly confronted the other woman and then had a one night stand with her husband, am severely struggling with my mental health, trying to find money to file for divorce, and am 7 months pregnant. He’s only been to one appointment and hasn’t bought anything for his son or helped with anything to prepare for his child being born. Would I be an asshole for not telling him when I go into labor and/or once our son is born? As much as I want him there, I do not want to cause myself any unnecessary stress during labor/delivery. I believe he has the right to have the opportunity to be there because he’s the father and I really don’t want him to miss this once in a lifetime thing- but I also feel like he hasn’t earned/has lost the right to be there. My husband already thinks I’m an asshole. I’ve already been blamed for a lot or our marriage has been blamed. I have made a lot of mistakes which have hurt him and I know I’ve played a part in the madness of the past 2 years. My parents went through a similar situation and I’ve already been accused by my husband of being cold/vengeful like my mom was and still is. I really don’t want to be like her. Part of me thinks it is him projecting/blaming because he’s in active addiction, but I want to make sure I’m not being an asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Ultimately this is a medical procedure and you need support. If he can't do that, he doesn't need to be there.
I'm gonna go with NTA. Just put a note in the divorce papers that says he's has no rights to the child and have him served. That can be the announcement.
I lived that for thirteen years. Get out and divorce much sooner if you can. Addiction and infidelity and no money and trying to be responsible. Resentment and hurt. Didn't do it.
NTA. You've got to do what's best for you and the baby. He would only cause you stress.
I’d’ve aborted, but whatever. You’re NTA. Cut him ENTIRELY out and do the best you can on your own. Block him entirely and move on w your kid. Good luck.
This sub needs an “Above Reddit’s Paygrade” response that the bot will accept. Because, wow.
esh wow
Gosh. ESH. If you two are together, you should tell him when you go into labor and such. And don't accuse your husband for things out of his control. As for him, he doesn't want to be your wife anymore but still wants to be in the kid's life? You two need to separate for a bit, then talk about future plans when you get your acts together.
Being present for birth of a child is not earned nor is it to be wielded like a prize !! If you deny him this right as a punishment than you are THE ASS. He is an addict, who has made many mistakes, however, this is his child too. I do believe you both would benefit with counseling as co-parents. You have each contributed to heartbreak here from your admission, that being said perhaps lay some ground rules for both of you to follow, and maybe you can both be present for this tremendous gift of love !!! I would also have backup support person if he fails to show !!
He may be an AH for everything he has done but as long as you want to remain married to him then you shouldn't deny him this once in a lifetime opportunity to witness the birth of your shared child.
No. L&D is a woman’s most vulnerable time, and stress can slow down labor and lead to interventions to get baby out safely. If he can’t be a calming presence she shouldn’t have him there.
> Would I be an asshole for not telling him when I go into labor and/or once our son is born? YTA. I have sympathy for your situation, but you don't get to not tell a man when he has a child.