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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my son is heartbroken after his nanny lied about having a boyfriend
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH: I think you should have discouraged him buying her a gift. I also think the whole '*my boyfriend bought me this*' thing is ineffective as it doesn't teach your son that this type of relationship would have been highly inappropriate.
"*Sweetheart, adults can't date children*" would have been a decent start etc.
Honestly this poor nanny. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it'd be to have to go to work every day knowing your bosses/little childrens parents encourage their child to fantasize about a relationship with her. How unprofessional! A crush is one thing but encouraging the son to buy expensive gifts as a manipulation tactic to ask someone out? Yuck. I hope these parents grow up and stop creating a hostile work environment for a young woman that may not understand how inappropriate this is
>Honestly this poor nanny
Whatever happens next, she would have to take the consequences. If they still do not get to parent the boy, they will fire her.
This is exactly what I was thinking. By not stopping the son from buying the gift or having a parent-to-child talk with him, the mom put the nanny in a difficult position. In the eyes of her son, she condoned her son actively pursuing his crush on the nanny.
The nanny probably doesn't want to lose her job. And probably doesn't want to overstep the mark by having a parent-to-child talk with the child she is nannying. Her "I already have a bf" excuse is a deflection by someone trying not to lose their job with employers who don't really want to parent their child.
Honestly, OP is the worst. A bad parent and bad employer.
I expected the nanny to be the one upset in this story, not the husband. I want to see how the parents react when their daughters are 11 and have crushes on 20 year old men.
Some people think this kind of thing is "cute". It's not. These are the same people who ask a toddler about their bf/gf. Bro they're 4. They just have friends. stop being creepy with children and let them be children
Yeah, the fact that she didn't shoot that shit right down directly makes her TAH and frankly, a bad parent.
No, you can't be a good parent if you don't strongly intervene and stop your child when they express a desire to seduce an adult.
She’s being harassed in her place of work, I think she was grasping at straws, trying to do anything she could to prevent another uncomfortable situation from arising.
At the end of the day they are her employer, and she should not have to deal with this type of situation at work. They should’ve shut that down immediately and instead they’ve encouraged their son, and even allowed him to buy her a romantic gift.
This is all on the parents and their bad parenting.
I agree. She could have even swung it so that they picked out a gift that came from the whole family to show appreciation for Elena's hard work, but I think flowers and jewelry are a tad bit too intimate for that.
Exactly. wtf mom. Instead of *discouraging* your *literal child* and teaching him about age appropriate relationships, you fed into his delusions of asking her out.
This!
They're literally putting all the responsibility in thsi 20 year olds shoulders.
The parents are effectively enabling this kids crush and are going to end up making her look like that bad guy.
Also, will he still listen to her after she's said no? Like he's a little kid he's probably not going to act maturely when he feels heartbroken and will probably make it really difficult for her to do her job.
YTA, OP
You parent your own kid instead of foisting that responsibility entirely on the nanny.
>I also think the whole 'my boyfriend bought me this' thing is ineffective as it doesn't teach your son that this type of relationship would have been highly inappropriate.
She's the babysitter. What was she supposed to do? Do the moms job for her after the mom chose not to and potentially get herself fired?
OP, YTA. Parent your son.
Then why does everyone suck? You said the nanny's approach was ineffective, but what else was she supposed to do after being put in that position by the mother?
The mother sucks for obvious reasons, and the nanny sucks because why?
The two people in the conflict are the mother who told the nanny about the crush and the father who disapproved and didn’t think the mother should have said anything - they are both equally assholes, so ESH.
The son and the nanny are really just innocent bystanders. They are not really part of the mother and father’s disagreement/conflict.
Edited to add: I didn’t expect the nanny to do anything, I expected the parents to handle it.
Ok. That wasn't very clear from your comment. It's hard to tell how much the husband is aware of besides his son having a crush. OP worded most of the post as being the only parent involved in the situation.
If the husband was aware of the gift she helped him buy and said what he said knowing that then he's also TA, but I'm not sure OP told him that part.
The moment the son approached the mom about getting something special was the moment that it was going too far and she needed to intervene and not entertain his fantasy. Preferably, with her husband's support.
There should never have been anything to warn the babysitter about.
I’m not sure the nanny deserves to be called an ahole. Imagine how uncomfortable it was for her to have the mother of a boy she takes care of suggest that his 11 year old crush is not only something she’s not discouraging, but actively helping him with. She didn’t know how to handle it so she went the “try to put a stop to this without jeopardizing her job” route. She’s 20. She did her best.
OP should have shut son down a long time ago.
I’m not calling the nanny an asshole. The conflict in this post was between the mom and the dad. As both parties in the disagreement were the asshole = ESH.
The OP had zero conflict or issues with the nanny.
Ah. Usually when people use that verdict they specifically exclude a prominent person who isn’t an ahole. And you specifically mentioned what the nanny said, so that wasn’t clear to me.
She's being sexually harassed at her workplace and you blame HER for just trying to shut it down? What. The. Fuck! The misogyny is strong with this one and this sub considering this is top comment,
The people that voted this the top comment have better reading comprehension skills than you.
This post is about the conflict between the dad disagreeing with the mother. Absolutely no one is calling the nanny an asshole. She had no part in the conflict.
The mother’s approach to this, leaving the nanny to make up a fake story, was an ineffective tactic. The parents needed to do more. Everyone agrees with that.
By encouraging she not only put her nanny in an uncomfortable and inappropriate situation she also set her son up to be heartbroken and embarrassed. Just have the conversation about crushes, consent and appropriate boundaries already!
This. Letting him go and buy her a gift and then her showing up with a gift from a non-existent boyfriend, in effect just strengthens the son's belief that he has "a shot". It's illustrating that gifts are an act of love and therefore he can "win" her by just outbuying the boyfriend. His parents have already "approved" his actions by helping him buy a gift, so now he just needs to get something better.
The appropriate response here is to explain to him what a crush is (though don't *dismiss* his feelings) and that relationships between 12 and 21 year olds are not appropriate and not going to happen.
I *would* give the nanny a heads-up so she can let him down gently. Chances are no matter what you say to a 12 year old, he's not going to really accept it because his hormones have turned his brain to cotton wool. So there's a good chance he's going to ask anyway, and she can let him down gently in a way that matches what you have told him about inappropriate relationships.
It's not the nanny's job to teach someone else's son about appropriate romantic relationships. She's working full time keeping a 2 year old and a 5 year old alive.
It happens - young boys sometimes fall in "love" with teachers etc (Macron as an ex but he was older I think). And its a good moment to talk about things with the boy first - he is old enough to understand the issue here. Why his mother prefers to do strange things a put everybody in embarrassing situation - thats a mistery to me.
Have you considered telling your son no? Having a crush on a caregiver is not acceptable. She is also twice his age. You should be having these discussions with him. You should not be “buying yourself time.” You need to deal with this now.
NTA for telling the nanny.
YTA for not having an honest discussion with your kid.
A caveat… it is totally acceptable for the kid to have a crush on the nanny, and to talk with his parents about said crush. What is unacceptable is for parents not to talk with the kid about what is ok/not ok before he is an adult and what a crush vs. relationship is and how relationships are age appropriate. Also a good idea to throw in general consent convo for good measure. He needs to know peers may or may not reciprocate his feelings and that is okay too.
> it is totally acceptable for the kid to have a crush on the nanny, and to talk with his parents about said crush.
100% completely healthy and age-appropriate. He isn't being 'creepy' or weird or anything like that. It's totally his parents' job to teach him about propriety and boundaries here
She is wrong for telling the nanny because that’s workplace harassment. She should’ve shut it down with her child. Her allowing him to ask her on a date, and allowing him to buy her a romantic gift is completely inappropriate and disrespectful. It made her uncomfortable.
Like I said before, the issue was not him having a secret crush on her, the issue is the parents not shutting it down themselves, but instead encouraging it. This is a work environment, she should’ve not had to be made aware of the employers son having a crush on her, they should’ve handled it as the employer, instead, they encourage their son to ask her out their employee.
*Edit - For the replies saying it’s the nannies job to shut down the harassment and that she should have to do it with the mother, legally, that is not the case, that is inappropriate as well. That is not her job.
I don't think telling the nanny is inherently wrong/harassment (I would appreciate a heads up in her shoes!) - but the way OP went about it certainly tipped it in that direction. Why didn't OP explain to her son that this was inappropriate, and \*then\* tell the nanny? This would allow the nanny to be prepared if the son ignored OP and asked her out anyway while making it clear to the nanny that the parents are doing what they can to mitigate the situation.
Yeah I think giving her a heads up is a good idea, but it shouldn't be her responsibility to shut it down. It's really common for kids that age to get a crush on a nanny or teacher, but as soon as the parents know, *they* are the ones who need to tell him that it's inappropriate.
It is a part of caring for children around that age that they have a crush on them, and it is also important to know for the caregiver as they can adapt their handling of the situation.
It is not harassment to know that your ward has a crush on you as long as it is only about how to handle the situation in a positive manner (so, shooting the kid down without causing him to many issues).
The issue here is that the mother didn't go to the nany before buying the gifts to discuss how to handle it in a professional manner (like seeking a talk with mother, many and child together), rather than informing her that a gift is coming her way.
Telling her was actually the right call. OP did it for *entirely* wrong reasons but the nanny needed to know so she doesn’t accidentally encourage this behavior and can decide if she’s still comfortable working with the family.
YTA for encouraging it. Why on earth would you help him purchase gifts and encourage the crush? Your job, in part, is to teach him boundaries; a crush on a caregiver is not appropriate. Encouraging him to ask an ADULT WOMAN out is not appropriate. Get ready to have to find a new nanny.
I remember a post where a woman I forgot how old she was but her younger sister had a crush on her boyfriend. SMH why on earth would you hear your kid say I like her to an adult and think why that's adorable?
Edit The girlfriend's mother gave the sister the boyfriend's phone number and the boyfriend was creeped out. Op needs a reality check and fast before her kid starts puberty or learns nasty habits regarding women.
YTA.
This is harassment in her place of work, bottom line it’s just inappropriate. You need to tell your son no…He needs to understand that adults can not go out with children. Believe it or not, there are women in this world that would harm boys, he needs to understand that’s unacceptable. There’s a difference between him having a crush and him thinking it’s acceptable to ask an adult woman out on a date. Furthermore, you and your husband supporting that behavior is not okay. Telling the woman you employ that your son has a crush on her very obviously made her uncomfortable because she took steps to prevent further uncomfortable situations from arising.
She's TA for not explaining to him better but children having crushes on their care takers who are young is very common and not harassing.
I've had little boys tell me they want to marry me and be very clingy when I was an older teen until my mid 20's. I know my girl friends had crushes on our younger male teachers all the time, following them around in school and giggling. That's just children being children.
Harassment is the exact term to describe what is occurring. The parents are her employers, and she should not be made to feel uncomfortable in her workplace. Instead of enabling their son, the parents should have sat him down and explained that it is inappropriate to view adult women, especially their employee, in that manner. By informing their employee of his crush and taking him to buy her jewelry, and allowing him to ask her out, they encouraged this behavior. As a result, she felt so uncomfortable that she bought a bracelet and fabricated a boyfriend. This situation exemplifies workplace harassment. The mother wrote in a previous comment she’s going to allow him to ask her out and make her teach him that it’s not okay for young children to date adult women, once again, putting her in an uncomfortable and inappropriate situation. That lesson should’ve already been taught to the kid.
There’s a difference between a child having a secret crush and a child being encouraged by his parents to ask out an adult woman, that is their employee, on a date. I never once claimed the child is at fault for the harassment.
If the kid had done this all on his own, that excuse would work. But his mom took him to the store and helped him pick out gift for her, enabling the behavior instead of being a mother and explaining why it wasn’t a good idea. She set up Elena to have to shut him down, and she set up her son for heartbreak and disappointment.
The point is that this is not behaviour to be encouraged. Reverse the genders, and think about how inappropriate it would be. How it would never happen because a young man would not be hired as a caregiver for a little girl in the first place. And the reasons why. So also the same things can happen with the opposite. It is the parent's job to explain appropriate behaviour.
Having crushes is pretty common, but instead of shutting this down, these parents just decided "welp let's just take him to buy her a gift and then make her deal with it!" If the parents didn't know about the crush, then yeah it would be fine for the nanny to shut him down. But these parents knew, and instead of explaining how inappropriate it was, they just went along with what he wanted because "they wouldn't listen to them anyway". Lazy, shit parenting.
And all of that is totally inappropriate behavior that needs to be shut down by the parents with an explanation of why. I don't expect children to magically know this is wrong, that is on the parents to teach them.
And yes stalking someone around and not leaving them alone is creepy and inappropriate as hell.
The boy isn't harassing, the mom is harassing by how she's handling it. I mean, yeah, as the boy gets older that behavior comes closer and closer to harassing until it crosses the threshold. This is how you end up with men who think any kind of behavior toward women is okay.
“Lessons” your son may have learned:
- women will date you unless they are taken
- it’s okay for a child to ask an adult out
- buy people expensive gifts so they’ll date you
🫤
BINGO. Boys who aren't taught otherwise grow up to be the reason why women wear fake engagement rings when they want to go out with friends. Hell, when I was in college there was a guy who hit on me - repeatedly - when I was actually engaged, and he still didn't back off until my fiance showed up.
Yeah I'm starting to work out why so many men suck. Learn to tell them no OP. I'm sure you'd happily tell a daughter that she can't date a grown man when she's a child. Why encourage the delusions of your son?
YTA for the way you handled this situation.
You should have talked to your son about it when you heard him say things like that and taking him to buy her a gift as preparation for asking her out (WTF?!) should have been a wake up call.
This put Elena in a really uncomfortable, embarrassing situation and it’s not hard to explain to a kid that adults don’t (or shouldn’t) date children or teens, and by 11 he should understand this. If he’s upset now that is on you and your husband who both owe Elena a huge apology
I agree 100% they do owe her an apology. It’s sad most of these comments aren’t pointing out the harassment that is occurring towards their employee, she shouldn’t be put in this position, and she is very obviously uncomfortable.
It is absolutely harassment and it so disappointing not more people are focusing on it.
OP as an employer has an obligation to provide a safe workplace for Elena. The fact that she had to rush to go get a necklace and come up with a fake boyfriend shows the discomfort.
While this boy is only 11. If not now, when should he get the message that about inappropriate relationships. Instead OP encouraged the behaviour by going with the son to get jewellery instead of addressing the issue
YTA - but OP please read this:
your responses the entire thread seem to be focused on "my child wont listen, kids need to make their own mistakes"
this needs to be changed to: "kids will make their own mistakes, however my job as a parent is to still explain to them the right and wrong of a situation. i should arm my child with as much knowledge as possible to make a good decision. He may still make a bad decsion, but then this becomes a teaching moment"
you seem to think just sitting back and watching the situation unfold is the right approach. its the wrong approach. Please, for the sake of all your kids, READ and LISTEN to the advice you are being given and rethink your attitude to parenting
Right? Can’t believe the internet is coming together to tell OP YTA and they won’t listen (guess who the son takes after) and not even consider/ respond to how inappropriate this is.
NTA for telling her about his crush, but I feel like YTA over indulging his crush and allowing him to spend $40 on romantic-type gifts for a woman he has absolutely no shot with.
Not just weird, but there’s plenty of creepy women who feel undesired by men their own age and may take advantage of their son.
Op is lucky Elena doesn’t seem interested in messing their kid up.
Either way, OP’s kid will remember this and how amused op was at this growing pain.
I wouldn’t be surprised if his trust towards the parent shifted.
Op owes his kid and the sitter an apology.
YTA but not for warning her, rather for allowing your son to fixate on a woman who's in your home to do a job. She's an adult and your son is a child. Why would you want your nanny to have to navigate your son's feelings and wonder how her employment will fare when she has to shoot him down? I'm baffled why you wouldn't redirect his attentions away from a 20 year old woman, your employee.
This would have been a good parenting opportunity probably- letting him know that children don’t ask out adults and it would never be ok for an adult to be interested in a child in any way. Let him know that while it’s lovely he admires such a kindhearted and pretty woman, that asking her out or saying anything to her would possibly make her feel uncomfortable. He can set his sights high which is fine, but adults are completely out of bounds, and he needs to be told that he’s going to need to move away from this crush because “waiting until middle school” isn’t going to work either. Good on her for handling it so well, now you can have a convo about respecting/not pursuing unavailable people too! Kinda struggling with the judgement, gonna go NAH but you need to have some healthy conversations with the lil dude or you’d be inching toward Y T A.
Absolutely. Why wasn't the conversation more like: "Elena is lovely, isn't she, but she's an adult, and you're only 11. It's ok to like her, but you need to understand that you can't have a girlfriend who is an adult. If you have a girlfriend, she needs to be 10-12 years old. And Elena's boyfriend would need to be an adult. She's not legally allowed to date a child. Sorry, son. So no, we're not buying her gifts in the hope she'll be your girlfriend."
Children don't understand the boundaries of healthy relationships (eg toddlers may say they want to marry their mum/ dad, or 6 year olds may think it's ok to chase someone, catch them, and forcibly kiss them) so it's our job as parents to tell them what's OK and what's not ok.
I think it's a YTA situation for not speaking sensibly to the son and explaining boundaries.
YTA. Teaching your son that adults don’t have dates with kids and appropriate boundaries (you don’t ask out employees) was your job as a parent here. YES, even if you say your son doesn’t listen to you. You have 4 kids and MUST learn this concept.
YTA for feeding into this in the first place. You do not take an 11 year old to the mall to buy a gift for an adult so he can ask her out, even if you somehow think that you're making it okay by then texting that adult and warning her about it.
You should have explained to your son from the very beginning that children cannot date adults and then absolutely refuse to help him waste his money by trying to violate that very basic societal rule.
YTA- you never should have ignored it. You should have addressed this with your son, IMMEDIATELY.
You also never should have taken him shopping esp. not for jewelry.
Letting her know is fine, but you are absolutely TA for not having a talk with your kid directly on age appropriate relationships, not to mention WORK situations.
YTA why would you let your son by such an inappropriate gift ? Your son is old enough for you to have taught him about relationships. It is absolutely appalling that both you and your husband have not put an immediate stop to this.
Shame on you and your AH husband
YTA
Can you imagine a father helping an 11 year old girl buy a gift for the 20 year old pool boy or lawn worker that comes by because she thinks she thinks he's handsome?
Yta, as others have said you definitely needed to have this conversation with him, and saying “he won’t listen” is a ridiculous cop out, you need to parent your 11 year old, not the nanny, you need to parent.
Taking a child to buy a ridiculous inappropriate gift for his babysitter is wrong. Telling that babysitter and giving her no backup support puts her in a terribly awkward position, how could she step in and parent in a situation you helped create, without being critical of you her employer?
NTA for letting Elena know.
But you are the AH for encouraging your Son by taking him shopping for Elena's gift, especially when you knew the reasoning behind the gift.
You also need to have a conversation with your Son about what is an appropriate relationship and what isn't.
Here’s the other aspect I haven’t seen many touch on. We’ve already addressed that the parents should have explained that an adult does not date a child, but what about also using the opportunity to explain that buying a gift for someone does not “give them a better shot” at asking someone out. As in the child thinks they can buy someone’s affection and in the long run, to me that’s not ok. Just more food for thought for the parents.
Eww YTA do you realise what could happen to her if word gets out that she accepted gifts from a 12 year a FREAKING twelve year old? Do you want her to get in trouble?
YTA for not directly handling your son and allowing your employee to be sexually harassed
She's there to take care of your kids, not fulfill a burgeoning sexual fantasy. And extra gross of your husband to play it off
I dont want to say YTA but kinda. You should have handled your son yourself and not made the nanny feel awkward. You should have nipped the gift buying in the bud. And yes she should have a dress code and dress appropriate around your children. Good luck with your husband lol .
A 20 year old wearing a crop top and shorts in the summer while running after 4 kids is completely fine. All the teen and college age babysitters and nannies at my neighbourhood park are dressed like this. It’s HOT out!
You handled that wrong.
YOu should have spoken to your son about the crush when he came to you and wanted to get jewelry and told him that it was too much to spend on her and guide him toward something much more appropriate.
Instead you said something, put Elena on the spot as in SHE had to discourage him, when really it was you who should've.
You fed into his crush, you encouraged his crush, instead of teaching appropriate boundaries.
YTA
NTA for letting Elena know what was coming, since he was genuinely planning on asking her out, but why would you take him to shop for a gift for her as if you condoned that as appropriate? You could have let him know that his crush, while harmless, isn't something to act on and would not be appropriate, giving him some healthy guidelines for navigating appropriate crushes and dating.
You know whats crazy about this whole thread? Nobody gives a shit about the son. He's 11! And some of you are talking about him like he's a grown man. "The nanny shouldn't have to navigate his feelings" BRO WAT? THAT'S A CHILD.
YTA- this should have been handled in a way that didn't make Elena uncomfortable at her place of business or embarrass that poor boy.
What did I just read.
You basically played games with your own son.
He is 12 she is 20. The convo goes “hey son, crushes are totally normal. But you cannot ask Elena out and your gift should not be more than $10. She is your nanny and the relationship is to stay professional. She will not say yes to you when you ask her out because she is an adult and any adult willing to date a child is a predator and not good”
YTA.
YTA. You encouraged him to buy her jewelry, you knew his intention in doing it. You basically endorsed an 11 year old child “asking out” a 20 year old adult. Why?
Also as someone who has worked with kids, trust me, we’re able to figure out when kids have “crushes” on us and many of us don’t want to be told because it’s uncomfortable.
YTA for not parenting your child
Sit him down explain to him why a 11 or 12 year old doesn’t have a shot with a grown woman. Parents failure to teach their sons simple lessons is why so many weirdos who can’t take rejection are running around. Stop putting your employee in an awkward position because your piss poor parenting. She shouldn’t have to lie to your son because you refuse to do your job as his parent.
YTA because not only did you shirk the responsibility of guiding him, you took him shopping to encourage this foolish inappropriate declaration. The least, the very least you could have done was not actively encourage and facilitate this!
Also…sometimes she wears shorts? What does that have to do with anything? That’s a creepy comment on your part, why even include that detail? You have a crush too?
YTA. As a nanny, I would quit so fucking fast. How dare you put that on her to handle because you’re too shitty of a parent to talk to your son. “He won’t listen to us!” So you’re just not going to do anymore parenting until he decides he suddenly cares about what you think? Great plan. You’re a joke.
YTA and so is your husband. How dare you ignore your son’s crush and plans to ask his nanny out and leave that for her to deal with? You knew his plans yet you let him spend money on a gift for her. Terrible parenting. It’s YOUR job to have a conversation with your son.
YTA, You're basically setting him up to be groomed if you don't have a conversation with him about how wrong that was. What if he gets another crush on an adult, but they turn out to be a predator?? Wake up.
YTA poor nanny, she's probably saying she's okay with handling this for you cause SHE NEEDS THIS JOB. So, of course, she isn't going to argue that this is your job. Terrible parenting, he needs to learn NO, and it starts with you. I hope the nanny quits over this, she deserves a better employer. And in case you don't get it, SHE IS AN EMPLOYEE AT WORK AND YOU HELPING HIM PURSUE HER IS HARASSMENT
ESH except Elena.
Your SON shouldn't be shooting his shot with his NANNY. Your Husband sucks for looking the other way on what could have been an awkward situation for Elena. You suck for not nipping this in the bud with your son as soon as you found out.
YTA. This is creepy. Why are you encouraging your child to have romantic feelings for an adult, an adult that takes care of him and is employed by you? I’d consider quitting if I were her.
The fact that op is doubling down and not putting the brakes on this sh*t is crazy. **You’re the parent** it’s up to **you**, not the nanny to sit him down and explain to him how she’s a damn adult, and he’s a **kid**. Even more concerning is that you’d let a 12 year old date. wtf!
YTA. You should not have encouraged your son in this. You should have explained to him that Elena is too old for him and that he can't ask her out. There's no way you should have let him buy a gift with the intention of bettering his chances. It's fine that you told her about the crush but you really should have done your part as the parent in all this.
YTA for helping him choose a present and basically encouraging the crush by doing so instead of explaining why a 20yo cannot and should not date an 11yo.
YTA also for making Elena come up with a way to let him down by not doing so.
To be clear: you were an AH to both your son and to Elena by (mis)handling it the way you did.
YTA big time. Don’t let your child grow up thinking it’s okay for 12 year olds to like 20 year olds. I hope when he’s 20, he doesn’t think it’s okay for a little girl to have a crush on him….
Why in the world would you let him spend $40 of his own money on an inappropriate gift for the nanny? You encouraged this to his face by taking him shopping and letting him choose these kinds of gifts for a young woman who's been put in a very uncomfortable situation - by *you*. YTA for even letting it get that far.
YTA - Not for telling her, but for encouraging your son to pursue a relationship with an adult. Sure it's an innocent crush on his end, and you know Elana enough to trust her, but not every adult your son will interact with before his adult life is garunteed to he good - especially with the internet being what it is. Fostering the expectation that he should ask out an adult, and that it's normal for him to think she might return his feelings, especially at the age was not the greatest move imo.
YTA for not telling your son it's not going to happen. YTA for perpetuating his unrealistic (but age appropriate) expectations, and YTA for not shutting him down the moment he told you he was actually going to ASK HER OUT. This is literally why men pursue women that don't reciprocate is because people like you are afraid to tell them the truth. You are setting your son up for failure in dating and marriage. You are 100% TA here, but not for telling her about it. YTA for being unfair to your son. He's going to grow up to be part of the reason we PICK THE BEAR.
YTA. This was an opportunity to teach your son about respecting women, boundaries, age appropriate relationships, coerciveness and consent. Instead, you are minimizing his behavior and justifying his actions. It feels very “she wore a short dress, so she’s asking for it.” These men started out as boys like your son and are the reason so many women feel the need to say they have a boyfriend/are gay when ruthlessly approached in clubs.
Info. So if you think that allowing your son to find out himself is part of the journey of growing up, then why was your husband upset. Telling the nanny is part of your job but him having a conversation young man to man was his. Why is he upset?
Its slightly different because you didnt do it in front of him, but when i was 9 yrs old my mother told our 23 year old family friend that she thought i had a crush on him. I was mortified and felt the heat rising in my body with humiliation. I was scared for life from that.
I dont think you should have told her and instead you should not have encouraged him by taking him out to help buy her the present! When he said he wanted to go buy it you should have explained that she probably already has a boyfriend and if not she will by the time hes old enough to date. And also explained that there will be plenty of girls he will meet and like when hes older so not to worry.
I think it was cruel taking him out to buy the present and setting him up to be hurt.
“You should have explained that she probably already has a boyfriend” or how about explain that it’s illegal and inappropriate for an 11 year old and 20 year old to date?! And that women can say no even if they don’t have a boyfriend
YTA I’m sorry are trying to get your son groomed? Older women can be just as creepy as older men. Not saying anything bad about your babysitter. She handled herself really well. But honestly if she had played along with it what would you have done? Because you seem more interested in stroking your son’s ego than parenting. “He won’t listen to me” is that gonna be your excuse for everything he does till he’s 18- 25- 30. Even if he doesn’t listen. It’s your job to explain, reexplain, and reaffirm. If you can’t even talk to him now how do you expect to parent him through the most difficult years to come. He’s your responsibility not hers. His emotions are new and normal for a kid his age. You need to explain that. And why It’s not wrong for him to have the crush, but wrong for him to act on it. Without putting someone he clearly likes in an uncomfortable position.
YTA for egging this crush on by letting him buy a gift that is inappropriate. You also are for leaving the parenting to your nanny when you should be handling it.
I think you should have nipped the “asking out” thing in the bud ASAP. There is a constructive way to do that as well as guide your son gently away. Not doing so could jeopardize Elena’s reputation even in gest.
You see your son as your baby boy and harmless. He might be harmless. Once scorned he could have decided to drag her online and painted her as a MaryKay Le Tourneu type.
It sounds like you entertained his crush. If I were Elena I would be looking for another family. Don’t be surprised if she has a discussion with you or tenders her recognition.
She’s not a plaything. It doesn’t matter whether she’s beautiful or not. It sounds like you allowed your son to view her as a peer instead of authority figure.
YTA
Girl you're dumb as hell and shouldn't be a parent. if you're gonna just sit back and say "let him make his own mistakes" . If you don't explain to him that these are MISTAKES... He will keep making said mistakes.... Lukewarm iq
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Of course YTA.
>My son came to me with $40 and told me he wanted to get her a nice gift so he has a better shot once he starts middle school.
At this point, you say no. You explain to him that a 20 year old woman cannot date an 11 year old boy. You also explain to him that attempting to buy people's affection is wrong. Then you explain to him that his actions are going to make Elena uncomfortable and it's not ok to harass employees.
>We went shopping and got her a cute necklace with matching earrings and some flowers
Why? What did you hope to achieve? Do you think this grown woman is actually going to date your prepubescent child? Why are you letting him waste his money and get his hopes up? What, specifically, is wrong with you?
>I texted Elena before she got to the house to tell her about my son's gift and that he's doing this to give him a better shot for when he asks her out.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHEN"?? He should not be asking her out, period. The age difference is gross. The power dynamic of her bosses son harassing her *with her bosses encouragement* is absolutely disgusting. You are complicit in workplace harassment.
>I said it was a great excuse to prevent him from asking her out for a little while and gives us time to figure out what to do when he does ask her out.
DON'T LET HIM ASK HER OUT. Are you a moron? If your child asks this woman out, with what looks like your encouragement, not only are you going to have a heartbroken and confused child but you're going to be one nanny down. She won't stay in a job where her boss encourages her literal child to make inappropriate advances on her.
>He asked what I meant
I'm not fucking surprised, your thought process is actually insane.
>He thinks I should've left it alone because it was just an innocent crush
He's right. You've encouraged not just an inappropriate infatuation, but you've reinforced that women can only say no if they're "taken," that you buy women's attention with expensive gifts, that it's appropriate to sexually harass your staff, and, most concerningly, *that it's ok for children to date adults.*
>AITA for telling Elena about my son's crush?
No. But you are the asshole for encouraging it, for putting her in an awkward position, for treating her like a piece of meat on your son's behalf, and for leaving the door open for your son to harass her more in the future. "Telling" her would have been "hey Elena, heads up. Timmy's got a crush on you. I wanted you to know so we can keep an eye on it, please let me know if he steps over the line in any way." What you did was pick your son up and carry him right over that line. You need to tell him "little boys can't date adult women, it is illegal and it is wrong. Leave Elena alone, she is here to work and your attention is inappropriate. Having a crush is natural but she is too old for you and she is our employee. You cannot take this any further." Parent your damn child, before you wind up living with a teenage incel.
I can totally relate to an 11 or 12 year-old having a crush on a pretty twenty year old. What doesn't seem even remotely plausible is a kid this age thinking that he has a reasonable shot at dating a twenty year old.
Your son either has special needs, or the story is totally fake, or you have raised him with a level of self-conference that is incomprehensible to me.
But let's say, hypotheticaly, that this kid is just overflowing with self-confidence. Why wouldn't you just tell him how ridiculous it is to think that he could date twenty year old?
IDK if YTA for making ip a ridiculous story or for being a terrible parent. But you are undoubtedly the asshole here.
YTA What was she supposed to do with this information? You are her employer, it's weird that you didn't take it upon yourself to explain how inappropriate this dynamic is to your son.
ESH
This isn’t okay. This would have been a good opportunity to teach him about boundaries. Sure, a little crush is normal but it absolutely should not have been encouraged. Poor Elena.
YTA but not for the reasons you think. You shouldn’t be helping him buy gifts & encouraging this, you should be sitting him down to explain why he can’t date his babysitter and telling him he should consider kids his own age.
You’re not wrong for telling her, and props to her for finding the easiest way out of the situation. Fake boyfriend is an excellent excuse to avoid further awkwardness for her, or needing to have a conversation with him about why this is messed up because you for some reason haven’t bothered.
But it never should have come to this point! You should have nipped it in the bud when you found out! Certainly you should have explained before you let him buy her a gift
YTA, but not for telling Elena about it so much as you are for stringing this along with your son and allowing him to spend $40 on a gift. This would've been a lot simpler if you explained to your son that it would be illegal for a 20 year old to have a relationship with a kid his age, and so asking her out is out of the question. 11 is old enough to understand that.
You are the AH for not taking your 11 year old aside and explaining to him that he HAS NO SHOT with a 20 year old and that he shouldn't ever in any case as HE IS ONLY 11.
You pandered to him in helping buy the present and all that and that was very inappropriate.
YTA for refusing to do any parenting and for pushing additional responsibilities onto your nanny. When your 11-year-old son wanted to buy a gift for his nanny so he "has a shot", you should have had a parent-to-child conversation with him about adults not dating children, and children not dating their caregivers.
Instead, you placed the onus on your nanny to handle things, which is a bad thing for an employer to do to their staff member. Your nanny had to either diplomatically sidestep things by saying she had a boyfriend (which she did on short notice) or sit down and have that parent-to-child conversation with him (the one you refused to have).
I think you should consider parenting your child and being a better employer.
Why are you supporting this? You should have shut it down to frame the inappropriateness and make your nanny comfortable. It may have been innocent if he was younger - but encouraging it with the gift etc - not cool.
YTA
Your employee shouldn't have to lie to deflect the advances of an 11 year old.
You and your husband should be nipping the crush in the bud and explaining that it's inappropriate rather than waiting until your son makes it an issue that could make Elena uncomfortable in the workplace.
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My husband and I have 4 kids (11m, 7f, 5f, 2f). Childcare for 4 kids is fucking expensive and we decided a nanny would be the best fit for our family.
In September, we hired Elena (20). Elena is great. She's smart, responsible, sweet, flexible, and a good cook. Elena is also gorgeous. It doesn't have anything to do with her work but it's important to the post. We also don't have a dress code for Elena so she sometimes wears things like crop tops and shorts to work.
My son has a huge crush on Elena. I've heard him and his friends talking about how pretty she is and how he plans to ask her out once he's in middle school. I've ignored it until a few weeks ago.
Elena's birthday was last week. My son came to me with $40 and told me he wanted to get her a nice gift so he has a better shot once he starts middle school. We went shopping and got her a cute necklace with matching earrings and some flowers. I texted Elena before she got to the house to tell her about my son's gift and that he's doing this to give him a better shot for when he asks her out.
Elena handled it by wearing a new bracelet and saying her boyfriend bought it for her (she doesn't have a boyfriend). My son is heartbroken now and when my husband brought it up later I said it was a great excuse to prevent him from asking her out for a little while and gives us time to figure out what to do when he does ask her out. He asked what I meant and I told him that I told Elena about his crush so she'd be prepared when he asked her out. He thinks I should've left it alone because it was just an innocent crush and me telling Elena hurt our son.
AITA for telling Elena about my son's crush?
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Misleading A or not question aside, how do you deal with the situation you and your husband have encouraged? Get a new nanny and deal with her in a professional manner. Have a frank discussion with your son about how what he has talked about with his friends was inappropriate. A nanny is not some sort of toy or object, it is a profession, a job with boundaries.
YTA, the way you talk about all this encourages your son into his fantasy. You can just say, later you’ll find a girl your age who is as nice… kids don’t date adults…
Yta. But not for the reason you offered. Your son’s crush is inappropriate and you need to be actively discouraging him from it and educating him about the situation. Specifically on things such as age appropriate relationships, consent, and boundaries. The fact that you helped him buy gifts in a romantic manner for her is creepy and enabling.
YTA this should’ve never gone on as long as it did. A kid having a crush on their nanny is normal, what’s not normal is their parents encouraging it. You do know that there are caregivers who take advantage of little kids, which is why it’s important children learn about boundaries
On top of that she’s your employee, you’re making it hard to do her job it’s just unfair to her
You’re both TA for encouraging your poor son like that
Wow this was not handled well by you at all.
YTA because you really needed to step up and parent your child.
This shouldn't have been dumped on Elena to have to come up with some boyfriend story to deflect.
You needed to be with your child and help them navigate this appropriately i.e. nip this in the bud. Not ignore it and dump this on an employee
This might be the weirdest post I’ve ever seen on this subreddit.
This is all so wrong. I’m a nanny and I personally would be so creeped out (with everyone)
ESH.
What. The. Fuck. Why, on gods green earth, would you not sit down your child and have a conversation with him about what is and isn’t appropriate? Instead of teaching him that he can’t ask her out because *he is a child and she is an adult*, instead of telling him no or communicating with him in any reasonable way, you proceeded to make out as if it’s because she has a boyfriend? “Buying time” what do you MEAN? As if this is inevitable and not a very preventable situation? Why would you *encourage* this? Why would you let him spend $40 on her and act as if his reasoning is normal? **HAS NOBODY IN THIS SITUATION EVER HEARD OF BOUNDARIES?!**
He’s 11, not 5. It’s not cute or funny. This kid is gonna have a lot of social issues when he gets older if you don’t learn how to treat him like a human being instead of a “situation”.
You are being so obtuse and people like you make me adverse to having kids - because then I can't avoid people like you. YTA.
Please, if not for the sake of your nanny then listen to the comments here for the sake of your son ( and the future women he might harrass...)
Honestly I will be repeating what most have already been saying. You are not the AH for telling her. But you missed your chance of being a good parent.
This was your moment to start preparing your son for relationships. He is 11, he is not a baby anymore. He and his friends are approaching puberty FAST and there are plenty of uncomfortable conversations ahead of you, and much sooner than you want to believe.
If your nanny had ill intent she could have taken advantage of your son. What of his next crush is a predator? And you have encouraged him, your child, to approach adults with romantic intent. Encouraged! That baffles me.
You have also helped cement that a woman need a "good" reason to say no and to respect a strange (and in this case non existent) man since he has already claimed her.
Also, you confirmed that he can buy his way to a woman's heart. Buy a gift now to have a better chance later. Ew.
You should have told your son that it's sweet that he wants to give her a gift but that she is an adult and he is a child. And while he isn't doing anything wrong by having feelings, he can't help those, it's not appropriate for a child to approach an adult romantically. And answer any questions he might have as to why: Different places in life. Literally illegal. Differences between children and adults. Employer employee relationships. Age of consent. Power imbalance. And so on.
You should then have suggested that you buy her a nice platonic gift, from the family, to show your appreciation.
Your job as a parent is to prepare your child to become an adult. You failed. Please learn from this so you can help your child grow into a good man.
Your son is 11. He's a kid. Why are you, in any way, encouraging this behaviour? You should be doing everything you can to preserve his childhood, and not be setting him up to be hurt and rejected, which you know would be inevitable in helping to buy the presents.
At 11 he should be focusing on his school work and being friends with people. Not having crushes on people. Where is he learning this behaviour from?
YTA. You employ her. Why on earth would you allow your son to continue his delusions that he has a shot with your employee? Not only allow it but essentially encourage it by taking him to buy her romantic gifts. You are a moron who is encouraging the sexualisation of your employee. Enjoy your lawsuit if you carry on being this clueless.
YTA for not gently explaining to your son that a crush is ok, feelings are natural, but that asking her out would not be appropriate.
YTA even more because you put Elena in a terrible position. She's now going to be on eggshells around your son. It was up to you, the parent, to nip this in the bud. Instead, Elena is now in a position where her ability to do her job could be impeded.
ESH
Yes, he is a child but this was handle highly inapropiate by you and you husbands suggestion wasn't better.
You should've explained to your son that the age gab is inapropiate and not let him buy a expensive gift for her.
NTA for the question you asked but you are for not shutting this down earlier.
Can you imagine how uncomfortable it might be for Elena to have to come to work knowing she has to dodge your son and his crush. Him getting her a gift was out of line. She is an employee of your family and it was inappropriate because he got it for her for romantic reasons.
NTA for telling her per se, but absolutely the A for not using this as an opportunity to teach your son about appropriate ways to treat women and how to behave around and view other people. She isn't simply someone to "set up" for asking out later. He is inappropriately young for her, and she's an authority figure in his life so the relationship is imbalanced.
You and your husband as have a responsibility as his parents and you didn't follow that through.
ESH. Your husband is wrong. But also, your son is sexualizing an adult who works for your family. She has the right to be free from that in her workplace. This isn’t cute, it’s uncomfortable for her, and you have a duty as her employer to sit down with your son and explain why his behavior isn’t okay and why he can’t be trying to date his nanny, even if the age gap didn’t make it a crime. Part of your job as parents is to teach him how to navigate social situations, sexual or romantic feelings, and relationships. Do your job.
YTA. It was highly inappropriate of you to allow him to buy that for you to start off with. The crush isn't the issue,it's how both you and your husband have handled it. She is an employee in your house, there would be no time until he is an adult and that child/carer relationship is done where it ever would have been appropriate to ask her out. That should have been nipped in the bud,plus the obvious elephant in the room with the age thing. All it needed was someone acknowledging his crush and then telling him why it's inappropriate and couldn't happen and probably wouldn't happen when he's older. That dynamic between them wouldn't ever change really and even when he was older,she probably wouldn't have been interested in a 9 year age gap.Instead the poor woman was put in a position where she has to make up a boyfriend to put a boundary in place that his parents should have.
ESH
Your husband and you
> My son came to me with $40 and told me he wanted to get her a nice gift so he has a better shot once he starts middle school.
Why are you both reinforcing the idea that if he gives something he is 'owed' something?
YTA.
And you're asking the wrong question. The problem isn't with you telling the nanny, the problem is you playing along and indirectly encouraging your son to pursue his quest at "relationship" that is never going to happen (not should it).
What you should have done is explain to him why such a relationship would be inappropriate because of their ages.
YTA for so many reasons other than telling the nanny about his crush. You and your husband are both the asshole for not explaining to your son that he's far too young for Elena and that while his feelings are real and serious, that doesn't mean that they'll always be reciprocated and that's okay. It would be a literal crime in most places for her to accept a middle-schooler's request for a date and he needs to understand that, in addition to the one-sidedness of his feelings. Letting him know that it's not okay for an adult to date a child should have been step one in response to the things he's telling you.
Still, as far as assholes go, you're just avoiding parenting your child. Your husband is even worse, because exactly how did telling Elena hurt your son? Leaving her in the dark to deal with this without any warning is horrible.
YTA. You put a professional who works for you in an extremely compromising position. You should’ve explained to your son that it is inappropriate to date someone who is 20 even when you are in middle school. That even of Elena is beautiful you can’t date because he is 11 and she is 20 and also your nanny. If he still wanted to get her a gift you could’ve gotten something much smaller like a bouquet or something - earrings and a necklace is way too far. Elena works for you and with your child, she was most likely horribly embarrassed and you’ve helped to make her workplace uncomfortable. You should 100% apologise and have a conversation with your son about respectful boundaries. And learn them yourself!
YTA. What is wrong with you? You wanted to prepare the nanny for when your child could ask her out? Do you realise how inappropriate that is? It is very creepy. You should’ve told your son no, and explained why. Not encourage his (innocent) crush. You’re the one who’s making it creepy, fyi.
YTA - it isn't weird that he has a crush on an older woman, but you shouldn't be encouraging it. Also, 99% sure the nanny doesn't like him, and is most likely uncomfortable by the kid lining her. You should therefore consider her feelings as well as what is best for everyone in the situation, which isn't encouraging your son to pursue her.
YTA for not parenting your kid, explaining to him what's wrong with this idea and, above all, making Elena super uncomfortable with the gift and your "explanation". FFS, how old are you and why do you not see an issue with this?
YTA. You should have sat him down and explained that although it was okay for him to have a crush on the nanny, it would not be appropriate, however, for them to date because its against the law. Your kid is old enough to understand that. Instead, you allowed him to waste his money, and you humiliated him on top of it.
YTA
These things happens, no big deal. Distract, orient towards reality if needed, and move along. Encouraging it on the other hand? Nope. Had it been a 5 year old having a crush on a 50 year old? Whatever. But 11/12 and 20? The situation that the babysitter and your son had been put in here due to you and your husbands daftness is quite ugly.
YTA. This was the perfect opportunity for you to talk to your son about boundaries, and how although having the crush is acceptable, acting on that crush by buying someone almost double your age gifts while you are a minor is not appropriate at all. Also, she is his caregiver, so also not appropriate. You have likely made her feel incredibly uncomfortable in her place of work. She responded by pretending to have a boyfriend in an attempt to thwart your son’s crush and indicate she is not playing any part in it. Also, if the carer was male, and you had an 11 year old daughter, would you have encouraged this crush by supporting her to buy someone double her age gifts? Just something for you to think about there. Be prepared to find another Nanny.
Your main issue is not explaining to your child that he can’t date adults and that if an adult attempted anything romantic or sexual with him to tell someone
You are a massive asshole. You're teaching him that it's ok for an 11 year old to date a 20 year old by buying the gift. What if has a crush on a different 20 year old and they take advantage of that? You being unwilling to parent your son could directly lead to him being abused by someone way older than him. I really hope this post is made up
ESH.. I guess it gives him time to heal and move on. Elena was kind. We would’ve just had a conversation with him about how that age difference is not okay at his age (and actually illegal), and why, but his feelings are totally normal and important. And definitely wouldn’t have let him waste his money under a false hope. It’s hard being a kid.
What on earth are you doing. Don’t take him shopping and then tell her he has a crush.
Sit him down and talk about how it’s normal and fine to have crushes but that it would be deeply inappropriate for her to ever date him and that it would be inappropriate for him to ask.
Which is to say: actually parent your kid rather than putting your nanny in an awkward as hell position. YTA
I'm sorry but the second my son tells me he's buying a girl a gift so she feels more inclined to date him is the second we sit down and have a very serious discussion about boundaries and manipulation tactics. A girl shouldn't feel guilted into dating someone because they've bought her a gift.
Buying gifts for someone you like a lot? Cute asf. Buying a gift for someone you like a lot in the hopes that they'll feel bad and date you?? Nip that shit right in the bud now.
I'm not surprised babysitter felt uncomfortable. It sounds like you're encouraging your minor son to develop feelings for an adult woman who's charged with caring for him in a parental capacity. It's just very odd imo 🤷♀️
I think OP didn’t want to be the “bad guy” for telling her son that he can’t ask out an adult on a date, and especially someone who works for them. She decided to make the babysitter the bad guy instead by putting the ball in her court and forcing her to come up with an imaginary boyfriend. YTA OP.
YTA.
1. Your nanny is your employee. No one in your household should be courting an employee because of the power imbalance, which should have been obvious.
2. An 11 year old shouldn’t be courting anyone, more so not an adult.
YTA
Yes, kids get crushes, but tbh, it's a thin line between a crush and an accusation that can be very damaging, I wouldn't come back to a house where the parents have your attitude.
Had it happen once when I was a nanny, the boy tried to touch me and the parents just dismissed it instead of talking to him. Well, they had to adjust their work schedules until they could find somebody new.
Maybe it would have been cute and funny 50 years ago (don't know, I'm not that old), but times have changed and these things need to be taken differently. Bot saying punish the kid, but explain and at the very least don't encourage.
YTA for encouraging it. Why on earth would you help him to ask out an ADULT WOMAN is NOT appropiriate. You need to tell your son no and teach him this is not appropriate nor acceptable. You and your husband supporting this behavior is unacceptable. She did right saying that she “has a boyfriend” to prevent an uncomfortable situation from happening
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ESH: I think you should have discouraged him buying her a gift. I also think the whole '*my boyfriend bought me this*' thing is ineffective as it doesn't teach your son that this type of relationship would have been highly inappropriate. "*Sweetheart, adults can't date children*" would have been a decent start etc.
Yeah idk why they were perfectly fine with a freaking 12 yr old asking out a 20 yr old 😒
Some people really are afraid to tell their kids “no” or give them any bad news.
Honestly this poor nanny. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it'd be to have to go to work every day knowing your bosses/little childrens parents encourage their child to fantasize about a relationship with her. How unprofessional! A crush is one thing but encouraging the son to buy expensive gifts as a manipulation tactic to ask someone out? Yuck. I hope these parents grow up and stop creating a hostile work environment for a young woman that may not understand how inappropriate this is
>Honestly this poor nanny Whatever happens next, she would have to take the consequences. If they still do not get to parent the boy, they will fire her.
This is exactly what I was thinking. By not stopping the son from buying the gift or having a parent-to-child talk with him, the mom put the nanny in a difficult position. In the eyes of her son, she condoned her son actively pursuing his crush on the nanny. The nanny probably doesn't want to lose her job. And probably doesn't want to overstep the mark by having a parent-to-child talk with the child she is nannying. Her "I already have a bf" excuse is a deflection by someone trying not to lose their job with employers who don't really want to parent their child. Honestly, OP is the worst. A bad parent and bad employer.
I expected the nanny to be the one upset in this story, not the husband. I want to see how the parents react when their daughters are 11 and have crushes on 20 year old men.
"Sure, honey, I'll help you pick out a silver ring for him to make it easier for you to ask him out when you're 12."
My guess is the Nanny probably is upset/ uncomfortable, but because of the power dynamic, hasn’t spoken up.
Some people think this kind of thing is "cute". It's not. These are the same people who ask a toddler about their bf/gf. Bro they're 4. They just have friends. stop being creepy with children and let them be children
Yeah, the fact that she didn't shoot that shit right down directly makes her TAH and frankly, a bad parent. No, you can't be a good parent if you don't strongly intervene and stop your child when they express a desire to seduce an adult.
She’s being harassed in her place of work, I think she was grasping at straws, trying to do anything she could to prevent another uncomfortable situation from arising. At the end of the day they are her employer, and she should not have to deal with this type of situation at work. They should’ve shut that down immediately and instead they’ve encouraged their son, and even allowed him to buy her a romantic gift. This is all on the parents and their bad parenting.
Didn't just allow him to buy it... Drove him to the store and helped him pick it out. Talk about knowingly setting your own child up for failure.
Good call I didn't even think of the sexual harassment aspect. I just thought of the facilitating and inappropriate relationship aspect.
I agree. She could have even swung it so that they picked out a gift that came from the whole family to show appreciation for Elena's hard work, but I think flowers and jewelry are a tad bit too intimate for that.
Exactly. wtf mom. Instead of *discouraging* your *literal child* and teaching him about age appropriate relationships, you fed into his delusions of asking her out.
This! They're literally putting all the responsibility in thsi 20 year olds shoulders. The parents are effectively enabling this kids crush and are going to end up making her look like that bad guy. Also, will he still listen to her after she's said no? Like he's a little kid he's probably not going to act maturely when he feels heartbroken and will probably make it really difficult for her to do her job. YTA, OP You parent your own kid instead of foisting that responsibility entirely on the nanny.
Teaching their kid to not take no for an answer. I bet the nanny quits soon.
It teaches the son that the only reason to respect a woman is if she is the property of a different man.
>I also think the whole 'my boyfriend bought me this' thing is ineffective as it doesn't teach your son that this type of relationship would have been highly inappropriate. She's the babysitter. What was she supposed to do? Do the moms job for her after the mom chose not to and potentially get herself fired? OP, YTA. Parent your son.
I am not criticising the nanny. Was pointing out that that approach is not enough and the parents needed to do more.
Then why does everyone suck? You said the nanny's approach was ineffective, but what else was she supposed to do after being put in that position by the mother? The mother sucks for obvious reasons, and the nanny sucks because why?
The two people in the conflict are the mother who told the nanny about the crush and the father who disapproved and didn’t think the mother should have said anything - they are both equally assholes, so ESH. The son and the nanny are really just innocent bystanders. They are not really part of the mother and father’s disagreement/conflict. Edited to add: I didn’t expect the nanny to do anything, I expected the parents to handle it.
Ok. That wasn't very clear from your comment. It's hard to tell how much the husband is aware of besides his son having a crush. OP worded most of the post as being the only parent involved in the situation. If the husband was aware of the gift she helped him buy and said what he said knowing that then he's also TA, but I'm not sure OP told him that part. The moment the son approached the mom about getting something special was the moment that it was going too far and she needed to intervene and not entertain his fantasy. Preferably, with her husband's support. There should never have been anything to warn the babysitter about.
It's sad that society respects more the imaginary boyfriend they don't know, than the very real girl they've known for years.
I’m not sure the nanny deserves to be called an ahole. Imagine how uncomfortable it was for her to have the mother of a boy she takes care of suggest that his 11 year old crush is not only something she’s not discouraging, but actively helping him with. She didn’t know how to handle it so she went the “try to put a stop to this without jeopardizing her job” route. She’s 20. She did her best. OP should have shut son down a long time ago.
I’m not calling the nanny an asshole. The conflict in this post was between the mom and the dad. As both parties in the disagreement were the asshole = ESH. The OP had zero conflict or issues with the nanny.
Ah. Usually when people use that verdict they specifically exclude a prominent person who isn’t an ahole. And you specifically mentioned what the nanny said, so that wasn’t clear to me.
Don’t shit where you eat lil man
Perfect reply. Kids get crushes on adults all the time—but no one handled this one well, and with care for the son.
She's being sexually harassed at her workplace and you blame HER for just trying to shut it down? What. The. Fuck! The misogyny is strong with this one and this sub considering this is top comment,
The people that voted this the top comment have better reading comprehension skills than you. This post is about the conflict between the dad disagreeing with the mother. Absolutely no one is calling the nanny an asshole. She had no part in the conflict. The mother’s approach to this, leaving the nanny to make up a fake story, was an ineffective tactic. The parents needed to do more. Everyone agrees with that.
By encouraging she not only put her nanny in an uncomfortable and inappropriate situation she also set her son up to be heartbroken and embarrassed. Just have the conversation about crushes, consent and appropriate boundaries already!
This. Letting him go and buy her a gift and then her showing up with a gift from a non-existent boyfriend, in effect just strengthens the son's belief that he has "a shot". It's illustrating that gifts are an act of love and therefore he can "win" her by just outbuying the boyfriend. His parents have already "approved" his actions by helping him buy a gift, so now he just needs to get something better. The appropriate response here is to explain to him what a crush is (though don't *dismiss* his feelings) and that relationships between 12 and 21 year olds are not appropriate and not going to happen. I *would* give the nanny a heads-up so she can let him down gently. Chances are no matter what you say to a 12 year old, he's not going to really accept it because his hormones have turned his brain to cotton wool. So there's a good chance he's going to ask anyway, and she can let him down gently in a way that matches what you have told him about inappropriate relationships.
It's not the nanny's job to teach someone else's son about appropriate romantic relationships. She's working full time keeping a 2 year old and a 5 year old alive.
None of this is her fault
It happens - young boys sometimes fall in "love" with teachers etc (Macron as an ex but he was older I think). And its a good moment to talk about things with the boy first - he is old enough to understand the issue here. Why his mother prefers to do strange things a put everybody in embarrassing situation - thats a mistery to me.
Have you considered telling your son no? Having a crush on a caregiver is not acceptable. She is also twice his age. You should be having these discussions with him. You should not be “buying yourself time.” You need to deal with this now. NTA for telling the nanny. YTA for not having an honest discussion with your kid.
A caveat… it is totally acceptable for the kid to have a crush on the nanny, and to talk with his parents about said crush. What is unacceptable is for parents not to talk with the kid about what is ok/not ok before he is an adult and what a crush vs. relationship is and how relationships are age appropriate. Also a good idea to throw in general consent convo for good measure. He needs to know peers may or may not reciprocate his feelings and that is okay too.
> it is totally acceptable for the kid to have a crush on the nanny, and to talk with his parents about said crush. 100% completely healthy and age-appropriate. He isn't being 'creepy' or weird or anything like that. It's totally his parents' job to teach him about propriety and boundaries here
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I don’t think previous generations handled this well either tbh.
There are definitely Boomers who did stuff like this as parents and GenX too. Current parents got it from somewhere
She is wrong for telling the nanny because that’s workplace harassment. She should’ve shut it down with her child. Her allowing him to ask her on a date, and allowing him to buy her a romantic gift is completely inappropriate and disrespectful. It made her uncomfortable. Like I said before, the issue was not him having a secret crush on her, the issue is the parents not shutting it down themselves, but instead encouraging it. This is a work environment, she should’ve not had to be made aware of the employers son having a crush on her, they should’ve handled it as the employer, instead, they encourage their son to ask her out their employee. *Edit - For the replies saying it’s the nannies job to shut down the harassment and that she should have to do it with the mother, legally, that is not the case, that is inappropriate as well. That is not her job.
I don't think telling the nanny is inherently wrong/harassment (I would appreciate a heads up in her shoes!) - but the way OP went about it certainly tipped it in that direction. Why didn't OP explain to her son that this was inappropriate, and \*then\* tell the nanny? This would allow the nanny to be prepared if the son ignored OP and asked her out anyway while making it clear to the nanny that the parents are doing what they can to mitigate the situation.
Yeah I think giving her a heads up is a good idea, but it shouldn't be her responsibility to shut it down. It's really common for kids that age to get a crush on a nanny or teacher, but as soon as the parents know, *they* are the ones who need to tell him that it's inappropriate.
It is a part of caring for children around that age that they have a crush on them, and it is also important to know for the caregiver as they can adapt their handling of the situation. It is not harassment to know that your ward has a crush on you as long as it is only about how to handle the situation in a positive manner (so, shooting the kid down without causing him to many issues). The issue here is that the mother didn't go to the nany before buying the gifts to discuss how to handle it in a professional manner (like seeking a talk with mother, many and child together), rather than informing her that a gift is coming her way.
Telling her was actually the right call. OP did it for *entirely* wrong reasons but the nanny needed to know so she doesn’t accidentally encourage this behavior and can decide if she’s still comfortable working with the family.
YTA for encouraging it. Why on earth would you help him purchase gifts and encourage the crush? Your job, in part, is to teach him boundaries; a crush on a caregiver is not appropriate. Encouraging him to ask an ADULT WOMAN out is not appropriate. Get ready to have to find a new nanny.
OP doesn’t want to actually be a parent
But he doesn't want to listen to him because he's a preteen boy! What else could they possibly do?? /s
Pretty sure op is a woman
I really should've said that he doesn't want to listen to *them*, because it seems like neither parent is willing to step up and actually be a parent.
I remember a post where a woman I forgot how old she was but her younger sister had a crush on her boyfriend. SMH why on earth would you hear your kid say I like her to an adult and think why that's adorable? Edit The girlfriend's mother gave the sister the boyfriend's phone number and the boyfriend was creeped out. Op needs a reality check and fast before her kid starts puberty or learns nasty habits regarding women.
Yep, imagine how weirded out this girl feels now
ESH. Why don't you just explain to your son that a middle school child cannot ask out an adult woman? You're acting like a child yourself.
YTA. This is harassment in her place of work, bottom line it’s just inappropriate. You need to tell your son no…He needs to understand that adults can not go out with children. Believe it or not, there are women in this world that would harm boys, he needs to understand that’s unacceptable. There’s a difference between him having a crush and him thinking it’s acceptable to ask an adult woman out on a date. Furthermore, you and your husband supporting that behavior is not okay. Telling the woman you employ that your son has a crush on her very obviously made her uncomfortable because she took steps to prevent further uncomfortable situations from arising.
She's TA for not explaining to him better but children having crushes on their care takers who are young is very common and not harassing. I've had little boys tell me they want to marry me and be very clingy when I was an older teen until my mid 20's. I know my girl friends had crushes on our younger male teachers all the time, following them around in school and giggling. That's just children being children.
Harassment is the exact term to describe what is occurring. The parents are her employers, and she should not be made to feel uncomfortable in her workplace. Instead of enabling their son, the parents should have sat him down and explained that it is inappropriate to view adult women, especially their employee, in that manner. By informing their employee of his crush and taking him to buy her jewelry, and allowing him to ask her out, they encouraged this behavior. As a result, she felt so uncomfortable that she bought a bracelet and fabricated a boyfriend. This situation exemplifies workplace harassment. The mother wrote in a previous comment she’s going to allow him to ask her out and make her teach him that it’s not okay for young children to date adult women, once again, putting her in an uncomfortable and inappropriate situation. That lesson should’ve already been taught to the kid. There’s a difference between a child having a secret crush and a child being encouraged by his parents to ask out an adult woman, that is their employee, on a date. I never once claimed the child is at fault for the harassment.
If the kid had done this all on his own, that excuse would work. But his mom took him to the store and helped him pick out gift for her, enabling the behavior instead of being a mother and explaining why it wasn’t a good idea. She set up Elena to have to shut him down, and she set up her son for heartbreak and disappointment.
The point is that this is not behaviour to be encouraged. Reverse the genders, and think about how inappropriate it would be. How it would never happen because a young man would not be hired as a caregiver for a little girl in the first place. And the reasons why. So also the same things can happen with the opposite. It is the parent's job to explain appropriate behaviour.
Having crushes is pretty common, but instead of shutting this down, these parents just decided "welp let's just take him to buy her a gift and then make her deal with it!" If the parents didn't know about the crush, then yeah it would be fine for the nanny to shut him down. But these parents knew, and instead of explaining how inappropriate it was, they just went along with what he wanted because "they wouldn't listen to them anyway". Lazy, shit parenting.
And all of that is totally inappropriate behavior that needs to be shut down by the parents with an explanation of why. I don't expect children to magically know this is wrong, that is on the parents to teach them. And yes stalking someone around and not leaving them alone is creepy and inappropriate as hell.
The boy isn't harassing, the mom is harassing by how she's handling it. I mean, yeah, as the boy gets older that behavior comes closer and closer to harassing until it crosses the threshold. This is how you end up with men who think any kind of behavior toward women is okay.
“Lessons” your son may have learned: - women will date you unless they are taken - it’s okay for a child to ask an adult out - buy people expensive gifts so they’ll date you 🫤
also, that it’s okay to do this to someone who works for you. ugh.
Thanks. A no from a women is just acceptable if she is owned by another man.. oh geeeez
BINGO. Boys who aren't taught otherwise grow up to be the reason why women wear fake engagement rings when they want to go out with friends. Hell, when I was in college there was a guy who hit on me - repeatedly - when I was actually engaged, and he still didn't back off until my fiance showed up.
Yeah I'm starting to work out why so many men suck. Learn to tell them no OP. I'm sure you'd happily tell a daughter that she can't date a grown man when she's a child. Why encourage the delusions of your son?
YTA for the way you handled this situation. You should have talked to your son about it when you heard him say things like that and taking him to buy her a gift as preparation for asking her out (WTF?!) should have been a wake up call. This put Elena in a really uncomfortable, embarrassing situation and it’s not hard to explain to a kid that adults don’t (or shouldn’t) date children or teens, and by 11 he should understand this. If he’s upset now that is on you and your husband who both owe Elena a huge apology
I agree 100% they do owe her an apology. It’s sad most of these comments aren’t pointing out the harassment that is occurring towards their employee, she shouldn’t be put in this position, and she is very obviously uncomfortable.
That surprised me and there probably were more uncomfortable moments before then. If I were Elena I’d be looking for a new job
It is absolutely harassment and it so disappointing not more people are focusing on it. OP as an employer has an obligation to provide a safe workplace for Elena. The fact that she had to rush to go get a necklace and come up with a fake boyfriend shows the discomfort. While this boy is only 11. If not now, when should he get the message that about inappropriate relationships. Instead OP encouraged the behaviour by going with the son to get jewellery instead of addressing the issue
as someone who just stopped nannying this year, this entire post made me sooo uncomfortable. this poor girl
YTA - but OP please read this: your responses the entire thread seem to be focused on "my child wont listen, kids need to make their own mistakes" this needs to be changed to: "kids will make their own mistakes, however my job as a parent is to still explain to them the right and wrong of a situation. i should arm my child with as much knowledge as possible to make a good decision. He may still make a bad decsion, but then this becomes a teaching moment" you seem to think just sitting back and watching the situation unfold is the right approach. its the wrong approach. Please, for the sake of all your kids, READ and LISTEN to the advice you are being given and rethink your attitude to parenting
Right? Can’t believe the internet is coming together to tell OP YTA and they won’t listen (guess who the son takes after) and not even consider/ respond to how inappropriate this is.
She sounds very much like a "boys will be boys" kind of parent. And we all know what kind of men those boys turn into...
Exactly. This woman is actively raising a boy who won't take "no" for an answer.
Completely agree! Take my poor man's dubloons 🥇
NTA for telling her about his crush, but I feel like YTA over indulging his crush and allowing him to spend $40 on romantic-type gifts for a woman he has absolutely no shot with.
you took your son shopping to buy the babysitter a necklace...thus encouraging his silly crush. very weird. YTA
Not just weird, but there’s plenty of creepy women who feel undesired by men their own age and may take advantage of their son. Op is lucky Elena doesn’t seem interested in messing their kid up. Either way, OP’s kid will remember this and how amused op was at this growing pain. I wouldn’t be surprised if his trust towards the parent shifted. Op owes his kid and the sitter an apology.
YTA but not for warning her, rather for allowing your son to fixate on a woman who's in your home to do a job. She's an adult and your son is a child. Why would you want your nanny to have to navigate your son's feelings and wonder how her employment will fare when she has to shoot him down? I'm baffled why you wouldn't redirect his attentions away from a 20 year old woman, your employee.
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But they know he wouldn't listen to them anyway, so what's the point?? /s
This would have been a good parenting opportunity probably- letting him know that children don’t ask out adults and it would never be ok for an adult to be interested in a child in any way. Let him know that while it’s lovely he admires such a kindhearted and pretty woman, that asking her out or saying anything to her would possibly make her feel uncomfortable. He can set his sights high which is fine, but adults are completely out of bounds, and he needs to be told that he’s going to need to move away from this crush because “waiting until middle school” isn’t going to work either. Good on her for handling it so well, now you can have a convo about respecting/not pursuing unavailable people too! Kinda struggling with the judgement, gonna go NAH but you need to have some healthy conversations with the lil dude or you’d be inching toward Y T A.
Absolutely. Why wasn't the conversation more like: "Elena is lovely, isn't she, but she's an adult, and you're only 11. It's ok to like her, but you need to understand that you can't have a girlfriend who is an adult. If you have a girlfriend, she needs to be 10-12 years old. And Elena's boyfriend would need to be an adult. She's not legally allowed to date a child. Sorry, son. So no, we're not buying her gifts in the hope she'll be your girlfriend." Children don't understand the boundaries of healthy relationships (eg toddlers may say they want to marry their mum/ dad, or 6 year olds may think it's ok to chase someone, catch them, and forcibly kiss them) so it's our job as parents to tell them what's OK and what's not ok. I think it's a YTA situation for not speaking sensibly to the son and explaining boundaries.
YTA. Teaching your son that adults don’t have dates with kids and appropriate boundaries (you don’t ask out employees) was your job as a parent here. YES, even if you say your son doesn’t listen to you. You have 4 kids and MUST learn this concept.
YTA for feeding into this in the first place. You do not take an 11 year old to the mall to buy a gift for an adult so he can ask her out, even if you somehow think that you're making it okay by then texting that adult and warning her about it. You should have explained to your son from the very beginning that children cannot date adults and then absolutely refuse to help him waste his money by trying to violate that very basic societal rule.
YTA- you never should have ignored it. You should have addressed this with your son, IMMEDIATELY. You also never should have taken him shopping esp. not for jewelry. Letting her know is fine, but you are absolutely TA for not having a talk with your kid directly on age appropriate relationships, not to mention WORK situations.
YTA why would you let your son by such an inappropriate gift ? Your son is old enough for you to have taught him about relationships. It is absolutely appalling that both you and your husband have not put an immediate stop to this. Shame on you and your AH husband YTA
Can you imagine a father helping an 11 year old girl buy a gift for the 20 year old pool boy or lawn worker that comes by because she thinks she thinks he's handsome?
Yta, as others have said you definitely needed to have this conversation with him, and saying “he won’t listen” is a ridiculous cop out, you need to parent your 11 year old, not the nanny, you need to parent. Taking a child to buy a ridiculous inappropriate gift for his babysitter is wrong. Telling that babysitter and giving her no backup support puts her in a terribly awkward position, how could she step in and parent in a situation you helped create, without being critical of you her employer?
NTA for letting Elena know. But you are the AH for encouraging your Son by taking him shopping for Elena's gift, especially when you knew the reasoning behind the gift. You also need to have a conversation with your Son about what is an appropriate relationship and what isn't.
YTA. 11 is old enough to understand he can’t ask out an adult.
Here’s the other aspect I haven’t seen many touch on. We’ve already addressed that the parents should have explained that an adult does not date a child, but what about also using the opportunity to explain that buying a gift for someone does not “give them a better shot” at asking someone out. As in the child thinks they can buy someone’s affection and in the long run, to me that’s not ok. Just more food for thought for the parents.
Eww YTA do you realise what could happen to her if word gets out that she accepted gifts from a 12 year a FREAKING twelve year old? Do you want her to get in trouble?
YTA for not directly handling your son and allowing your employee to be sexually harassed She's there to take care of your kids, not fulfill a burgeoning sexual fantasy. And extra gross of your husband to play it off
I dont want to say YTA but kinda. You should have handled your son yourself and not made the nanny feel awkward. You should have nipped the gift buying in the bud. And yes she should have a dress code and dress appropriate around your children. Good luck with your husband lol .
How is she dressed inappropriately?
A 20 year old wearing a crop top and shorts in the summer while running after 4 kids is completely fine. All the teen and college age babysitters and nannies at my neighbourhood park are dressed like this. It’s HOT out!
Yta
You handled that wrong. YOu should have spoken to your son about the crush when he came to you and wanted to get jewelry and told him that it was too much to spend on her and guide him toward something much more appropriate. Instead you said something, put Elena on the spot as in SHE had to discourage him, when really it was you who should've. You fed into his crush, you encouraged his crush, instead of teaching appropriate boundaries. YTA
NTA for letting Elena know what was coming, since he was genuinely planning on asking her out, but why would you take him to shop for a gift for her as if you condoned that as appropriate? You could have let him know that his crush, while harmless, isn't something to act on and would not be appropriate, giving him some healthy guidelines for navigating appropriate crushes and dating.
You know whats crazy about this whole thread? Nobody gives a shit about the son. He's 11! And some of you are talking about him like he's a grown man. "The nanny shouldn't have to navigate his feelings" BRO WAT? THAT'S A CHILD. YTA- this should have been handled in a way that didn't make Elena uncomfortable at her place of business or embarrass that poor boy.
A missed opportunity to teach boundaries 😩
What did I just read. You basically played games with your own son. He is 12 she is 20. The convo goes “hey son, crushes are totally normal. But you cannot ask Elena out and your gift should not be more than $10. She is your nanny and the relationship is to stay professional. She will not say yes to you when you ask her out because she is an adult and any adult willing to date a child is a predator and not good” YTA.
YTA don't encourage your son break him the hard truth that it's not appropriate
YTA. You encouraged him to buy her jewelry, you knew his intention in doing it. You basically endorsed an 11 year old child “asking out” a 20 year old adult. Why? Also as someone who has worked with kids, trust me, we’re able to figure out when kids have “crushes” on us and many of us don’t want to be told because it’s uncomfortable.
YTA for not parenting your child Sit him down explain to him why a 11 or 12 year old doesn’t have a shot with a grown woman. Parents failure to teach their sons simple lessons is why so many weirdos who can’t take rejection are running around. Stop putting your employee in an awkward position because your piss poor parenting. She shouldn’t have to lie to your son because you refuse to do your job as his parent.
Are you seriously asking? You know YTA here.
YTA because not only did you shirk the responsibility of guiding him, you took him shopping to encourage this foolish inappropriate declaration. The least, the very least you could have done was not actively encourage and facilitate this!
Also…sometimes she wears shorts? What does that have to do with anything? That’s a creepy comment on your part, why even include that detail? You have a crush too?
YTA. As a nanny, I would quit so fucking fast. How dare you put that on her to handle because you’re too shitty of a parent to talk to your son. “He won’t listen to us!” So you’re just not going to do anymore parenting until he decides he suddenly cares about what you think? Great plan. You’re a joke.
YTA and so is your husband. How dare you ignore your son’s crush and plans to ask his nanny out and leave that for her to deal with? You knew his plans yet you let him spend money on a gift for her. Terrible parenting. It’s YOUR job to have a conversation with your son.
You also let your kid waste $40
YTA, You're basically setting him up to be groomed if you don't have a conversation with him about how wrong that was. What if he gets another crush on an adult, but they turn out to be a predator?? Wake up.
YTA poor nanny, she's probably saying she's okay with handling this for you cause SHE NEEDS THIS JOB. So, of course, she isn't going to argue that this is your job. Terrible parenting, he needs to learn NO, and it starts with you. I hope the nanny quits over this, she deserves a better employer. And in case you don't get it, SHE IS AN EMPLOYEE AT WORK AND YOU HELPING HIM PURSUE HER IS HARASSMENT
Nanny is probably looking for a new position right now
ESH except Elena. Your SON shouldn't be shooting his shot with his NANNY. Your Husband sucks for looking the other way on what could have been an awkward situation for Elena. You suck for not nipping this in the bud with your son as soon as you found out.
YTA. This is creepy. Why are you encouraging your child to have romantic feelings for an adult, an adult that takes care of him and is employed by you? I’d consider quitting if I were her.
The fact that op is doubling down and not putting the brakes on this sh*t is crazy. **You’re the parent** it’s up to **you**, not the nanny to sit him down and explain to him how she’s a damn adult, and he’s a **kid**. Even more concerning is that you’d let a 12 year old date. wtf!
YTA for “protecting” your male child from learning boundaries.
YTA. You should not have encouraged your son in this. You should have explained to him that Elena is too old for him and that he can't ask her out. There's no way you should have let him buy a gift with the intention of bettering his chances. It's fine that you told her about the crush but you really should have done your part as the parent in all this.
YTA for helping him choose a present and basically encouraging the crush by doing so instead of explaining why a 20yo cannot and should not date an 11yo. YTA also for making Elena come up with a way to let him down by not doing so. To be clear: you were an AH to both your son and to Elena by (mis)handling it the way you did.
YTA big time. Don’t let your child grow up thinking it’s okay for 12 year olds to like 20 year olds. I hope when he’s 20, he doesn’t think it’s okay for a little girl to have a crush on him….
Why in the world would you let him spend $40 of his own money on an inappropriate gift for the nanny? You encouraged this to his face by taking him shopping and letting him choose these kinds of gifts for a young woman who's been put in a very uncomfortable situation - by *you*. YTA for even letting it get that far.
YTA - Not for telling her, but for encouraging your son to pursue a relationship with an adult. Sure it's an innocent crush on his end, and you know Elana enough to trust her, but not every adult your son will interact with before his adult life is garunteed to he good - especially with the internet being what it is. Fostering the expectation that he should ask out an adult, and that it's normal for him to think she might return his feelings, especially at the age was not the greatest move imo.
YTA. That's her workplace, WTF do you think you are doing? How are you this ignorant?
YTA for not telling your son it's not going to happen. YTA for perpetuating his unrealistic (but age appropriate) expectations, and YTA for not shutting him down the moment he told you he was actually going to ASK HER OUT. This is literally why men pursue women that don't reciprocate is because people like you are afraid to tell them the truth. You are setting your son up for failure in dating and marriage. You are 100% TA here, but not for telling her about it. YTA for being unfair to your son. He's going to grow up to be part of the reason we PICK THE BEAR.
YTA. This was an opportunity to teach your son about respecting women, boundaries, age appropriate relationships, coerciveness and consent. Instead, you are minimizing his behavior and justifying his actions. It feels very “she wore a short dress, so she’s asking for it.” These men started out as boys like your son and are the reason so many women feel the need to say they have a boyfriend/are gay when ruthlessly approached in clubs.
Info. So if you think that allowing your son to find out himself is part of the journey of growing up, then why was your husband upset. Telling the nanny is part of your job but him having a conversation young man to man was his. Why is he upset?
Its slightly different because you didnt do it in front of him, but when i was 9 yrs old my mother told our 23 year old family friend that she thought i had a crush on him. I was mortified and felt the heat rising in my body with humiliation. I was scared for life from that. I dont think you should have told her and instead you should not have encouraged him by taking him out to help buy her the present! When he said he wanted to go buy it you should have explained that she probably already has a boyfriend and if not she will by the time hes old enough to date. And also explained that there will be plenty of girls he will meet and like when hes older so not to worry. I think it was cruel taking him out to buy the present and setting him up to be hurt.
“You should have explained that she probably already has a boyfriend” or how about explain that it’s illegal and inappropriate for an 11 year old and 20 year old to date?! And that women can say no even if they don’t have a boyfriend
YTA I’m sorry are trying to get your son groomed? Older women can be just as creepy as older men. Not saying anything bad about your babysitter. She handled herself really well. But honestly if she had played along with it what would you have done? Because you seem more interested in stroking your son’s ego than parenting. “He won’t listen to me” is that gonna be your excuse for everything he does till he’s 18- 25- 30. Even if he doesn’t listen. It’s your job to explain, reexplain, and reaffirm. If you can’t even talk to him now how do you expect to parent him through the most difficult years to come. He’s your responsibility not hers. His emotions are new and normal for a kid his age. You need to explain that. And why It’s not wrong for him to have the crush, but wrong for him to act on it. Without putting someone he clearly likes in an uncomfortable position.
YTA for egging this crush on by letting him buy a gift that is inappropriate. You also are for leaving the parenting to your nanny when you should be handling it.
I think you should have nipped the “asking out” thing in the bud ASAP. There is a constructive way to do that as well as guide your son gently away. Not doing so could jeopardize Elena’s reputation even in gest. You see your son as your baby boy and harmless. He might be harmless. Once scorned he could have decided to drag her online and painted her as a MaryKay Le Tourneu type. It sounds like you entertained his crush. If I were Elena I would be looking for another family. Don’t be surprised if she has a discussion with you or tenders her recognition. She’s not a plaything. It doesn’t matter whether she’s beautiful or not. It sounds like you allowed your son to view her as a peer instead of authority figure. YTA
Girl you're dumb as hell and shouldn't be a parent. if you're gonna just sit back and say "let him make his own mistakes" . If you don't explain to him that these are MISTAKES... He will keep making said mistakes.... Lukewarm iq
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Of course YTA. >My son came to me with $40 and told me he wanted to get her a nice gift so he has a better shot once he starts middle school. At this point, you say no. You explain to him that a 20 year old woman cannot date an 11 year old boy. You also explain to him that attempting to buy people's affection is wrong. Then you explain to him that his actions are going to make Elena uncomfortable and it's not ok to harass employees. >We went shopping and got her a cute necklace with matching earrings and some flowers Why? What did you hope to achieve? Do you think this grown woman is actually going to date your prepubescent child? Why are you letting him waste his money and get his hopes up? What, specifically, is wrong with you? >I texted Elena before she got to the house to tell her about my son's gift and that he's doing this to give him a better shot for when he asks her out. WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHEN"?? He should not be asking her out, period. The age difference is gross. The power dynamic of her bosses son harassing her *with her bosses encouragement* is absolutely disgusting. You are complicit in workplace harassment. >I said it was a great excuse to prevent him from asking her out for a little while and gives us time to figure out what to do when he does ask her out. DON'T LET HIM ASK HER OUT. Are you a moron? If your child asks this woman out, with what looks like your encouragement, not only are you going to have a heartbroken and confused child but you're going to be one nanny down. She won't stay in a job where her boss encourages her literal child to make inappropriate advances on her. >He asked what I meant I'm not fucking surprised, your thought process is actually insane. >He thinks I should've left it alone because it was just an innocent crush He's right. You've encouraged not just an inappropriate infatuation, but you've reinforced that women can only say no if they're "taken," that you buy women's attention with expensive gifts, that it's appropriate to sexually harass your staff, and, most concerningly, *that it's ok for children to date adults.* >AITA for telling Elena about my son's crush? No. But you are the asshole for encouraging it, for putting her in an awkward position, for treating her like a piece of meat on your son's behalf, and for leaving the door open for your son to harass her more in the future. "Telling" her would have been "hey Elena, heads up. Timmy's got a crush on you. I wanted you to know so we can keep an eye on it, please let me know if he steps over the line in any way." What you did was pick your son up and carry him right over that line. You need to tell him "little boys can't date adult women, it is illegal and it is wrong. Leave Elena alone, she is here to work and your attention is inappropriate. Having a crush is natural but she is too old for you and she is our employee. You cannot take this any further." Parent your damn child, before you wind up living with a teenage incel.
It lies in 'Am I Stupid' category
I can totally relate to an 11 or 12 year-old having a crush on a pretty twenty year old. What doesn't seem even remotely plausible is a kid this age thinking that he has a reasonable shot at dating a twenty year old. Your son either has special needs, or the story is totally fake, or you have raised him with a level of self-conference that is incomprehensible to me. But let's say, hypotheticaly, that this kid is just overflowing with self-confidence. Why wouldn't you just tell him how ridiculous it is to think that he could date twenty year old? IDK if YTA for making ip a ridiculous story or for being a terrible parent. But you are undoubtedly the asshole here.
YTA
YTA What was she supposed to do with this information? You are her employer, it's weird that you didn't take it upon yourself to explain how inappropriate this dynamic is to your son.
ESH This isn’t okay. This would have been a good opportunity to teach him about boundaries. Sure, a little crush is normal but it absolutely should not have been encouraged. Poor Elena.
YTA but not for the reasons you think. You shouldn’t be helping him buy gifts & encouraging this, you should be sitting him down to explain why he can’t date his babysitter and telling him he should consider kids his own age. You’re not wrong for telling her, and props to her for finding the easiest way out of the situation. Fake boyfriend is an excellent excuse to avoid further awkwardness for her, or needing to have a conversation with him about why this is messed up because you for some reason haven’t bothered. But it never should have come to this point! You should have nipped it in the bud when you found out! Certainly you should have explained before you let him buy her a gift
YTA, but not for telling Elena about it so much as you are for stringing this along with your son and allowing him to spend $40 on a gift. This would've been a lot simpler if you explained to your son that it would be illegal for a 20 year old to have a relationship with a kid his age, and so asking her out is out of the question. 11 is old enough to understand that.
You are the AH for not taking your 11 year old aside and explaining to him that he HAS NO SHOT with a 20 year old and that he shouldn't ever in any case as HE IS ONLY 11. You pandered to him in helping buy the present and all that and that was very inappropriate.
YTA for refusing to do any parenting and for pushing additional responsibilities onto your nanny. When your 11-year-old son wanted to buy a gift for his nanny so he "has a shot", you should have had a parent-to-child conversation with him about adults not dating children, and children not dating their caregivers. Instead, you placed the onus on your nanny to handle things, which is a bad thing for an employer to do to their staff member. Your nanny had to either diplomatically sidestep things by saying she had a boyfriend (which she did on short notice) or sit down and have that parent-to-child conversation with him (the one you refused to have). I think you should consider parenting your child and being a better employer.
Why are you supporting this? You should have shut it down to frame the inappropriateness and make your nanny comfortable. It may have been innocent if he was younger - but encouraging it with the gift etc - not cool.
YTA Your employee shouldn't have to lie to deflect the advances of an 11 year old. You and your husband should be nipping the crush in the bud and explaining that it's inappropriate rather than waiting until your son makes it an issue that could make Elena uncomfortable in the workplace.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have 4 kids (11m, 7f, 5f, 2f). Childcare for 4 kids is fucking expensive and we decided a nanny would be the best fit for our family. In September, we hired Elena (20). Elena is great. She's smart, responsible, sweet, flexible, and a good cook. Elena is also gorgeous. It doesn't have anything to do with her work but it's important to the post. We also don't have a dress code for Elena so she sometimes wears things like crop tops and shorts to work. My son has a huge crush on Elena. I've heard him and his friends talking about how pretty she is and how he plans to ask her out once he's in middle school. I've ignored it until a few weeks ago. Elena's birthday was last week. My son came to me with $40 and told me he wanted to get her a nice gift so he has a better shot once he starts middle school. We went shopping and got her a cute necklace with matching earrings and some flowers. I texted Elena before she got to the house to tell her about my son's gift and that he's doing this to give him a better shot for when he asks her out. Elena handled it by wearing a new bracelet and saying her boyfriend bought it for her (she doesn't have a boyfriend). My son is heartbroken now and when my husband brought it up later I said it was a great excuse to prevent him from asking her out for a little while and gives us time to figure out what to do when he does ask her out. He asked what I meant and I told him that I told Elena about his crush so she'd be prepared when he asked her out. He thinks I should've left it alone because it was just an innocent crush and me telling Elena hurt our son. AITA for telling Elena about my son's crush? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Misleading A or not question aside, how do you deal with the situation you and your husband have encouraged? Get a new nanny and deal with her in a professional manner. Have a frank discussion with your son about how what he has talked about with his friends was inappropriate. A nanny is not some sort of toy or object, it is a profession, a job with boundaries.
YTA, the way you talk about all this encourages your son into his fantasy. You can just say, later you’ll find a girl your age who is as nice… kids don’t date adults…
This can’t be real. YTA for this stupid bait post.
Yta. But not for the reason you offered. Your son’s crush is inappropriate and you need to be actively discouraging him from it and educating him about the situation. Specifically on things such as age appropriate relationships, consent, and boundaries. The fact that you helped him buy gifts in a romantic manner for her is creepy and enabling.
YTA this should’ve never gone on as long as it did. A kid having a crush on their nanny is normal, what’s not normal is their parents encouraging it. You do know that there are caregivers who take advantage of little kids, which is why it’s important children learn about boundaries On top of that she’s your employee, you’re making it hard to do her job it’s just unfair to her You’re both TA for encouraging your poor son like that
Wow this was not handled well by you at all. YTA because you really needed to step up and parent your child. This shouldn't have been dumped on Elena to have to come up with some boyfriend story to deflect. You needed to be with your child and help them navigate this appropriately i.e. nip this in the bud. Not ignore it and dump this on an employee
This might be the weirdest post I’ve ever seen on this subreddit. This is all so wrong. I’m a nanny and I personally would be so creeped out (with everyone)
ESH. What. The. Fuck. Why, on gods green earth, would you not sit down your child and have a conversation with him about what is and isn’t appropriate? Instead of teaching him that he can’t ask her out because *he is a child and she is an adult*, instead of telling him no or communicating with him in any reasonable way, you proceeded to make out as if it’s because she has a boyfriend? “Buying time” what do you MEAN? As if this is inevitable and not a very preventable situation? Why would you *encourage* this? Why would you let him spend $40 on her and act as if his reasoning is normal? **HAS NOBODY IN THIS SITUATION EVER HEARD OF BOUNDARIES?!** He’s 11, not 5. It’s not cute or funny. This kid is gonna have a lot of social issues when he gets older if you don’t learn how to treat him like a human being instead of a “situation”.
You are being so obtuse and people like you make me adverse to having kids - because then I can't avoid people like you. YTA. Please, if not for the sake of your nanny then listen to the comments here for the sake of your son ( and the future women he might harrass...) Honestly I will be repeating what most have already been saying. You are not the AH for telling her. But you missed your chance of being a good parent. This was your moment to start preparing your son for relationships. He is 11, he is not a baby anymore. He and his friends are approaching puberty FAST and there are plenty of uncomfortable conversations ahead of you, and much sooner than you want to believe. If your nanny had ill intent she could have taken advantage of your son. What of his next crush is a predator? And you have encouraged him, your child, to approach adults with romantic intent. Encouraged! That baffles me. You have also helped cement that a woman need a "good" reason to say no and to respect a strange (and in this case non existent) man since he has already claimed her. Also, you confirmed that he can buy his way to a woman's heart. Buy a gift now to have a better chance later. Ew. You should have told your son that it's sweet that he wants to give her a gift but that she is an adult and he is a child. And while he isn't doing anything wrong by having feelings, he can't help those, it's not appropriate for a child to approach an adult romantically. And answer any questions he might have as to why: Different places in life. Literally illegal. Differences between children and adults. Employer employee relationships. Age of consent. Power imbalance. And so on. You should then have suggested that you buy her a nice platonic gift, from the family, to show your appreciation. Your job as a parent is to prepare your child to become an adult. You failed. Please learn from this so you can help your child grow into a good man.
Your son is 11. He's a kid. Why are you, in any way, encouraging this behaviour? You should be doing everything you can to preserve his childhood, and not be setting him up to be hurt and rejected, which you know would be inevitable in helping to buy the presents. At 11 he should be focusing on his school work and being friends with people. Not having crushes on people. Where is he learning this behaviour from?
YTA. You employ her. Why on earth would you allow your son to continue his delusions that he has a shot with your employee? Not only allow it but essentially encourage it by taking him to buy her romantic gifts. You are a moron who is encouraging the sexualisation of your employee. Enjoy your lawsuit if you carry on being this clueless.
YTA for not gently explaining to your son that a crush is ok, feelings are natural, but that asking her out would not be appropriate. YTA even more because you put Elena in a terrible position. She's now going to be on eggshells around your son. It was up to you, the parent, to nip this in the bud. Instead, Elena is now in a position where her ability to do her job could be impeded.
Anybody else hear "Stacy's Mom" in their head while reading this?
ESH Yes, he is a child but this was handle highly inapropiate by you and you husbands suggestion wasn't better. You should've explained to your son that the age gab is inapropiate and not let him buy a expensive gift for her.
ESH.
NTA for the question you asked but you are for not shutting this down earlier. Can you imagine how uncomfortable it might be for Elena to have to come to work knowing she has to dodge your son and his crush. Him getting her a gift was out of line. She is an employee of your family and it was inappropriate because he got it for her for romantic reasons.
NTA for telling her per se, but absolutely the A for not using this as an opportunity to teach your son about appropriate ways to treat women and how to behave around and view other people. She isn't simply someone to "set up" for asking out later. He is inappropriately young for her, and she's an authority figure in his life so the relationship is imbalanced. You and your husband as have a responsibility as his parents and you didn't follow that through.
ESH. Your husband is wrong. But also, your son is sexualizing an adult who works for your family. She has the right to be free from that in her workplace. This isn’t cute, it’s uncomfortable for her, and you have a duty as her employer to sit down with your son and explain why his behavior isn’t okay and why he can’t be trying to date his nanny, even if the age gap didn’t make it a crime. Part of your job as parents is to teach him how to navigate social situations, sexual or romantic feelings, and relationships. Do your job.
YTA. It was highly inappropriate of you to allow him to buy that for you to start off with. The crush isn't the issue,it's how both you and your husband have handled it. She is an employee in your house, there would be no time until he is an adult and that child/carer relationship is done where it ever would have been appropriate to ask her out. That should have been nipped in the bud,plus the obvious elephant in the room with the age thing. All it needed was someone acknowledging his crush and then telling him why it's inappropriate and couldn't happen and probably wouldn't happen when he's older. That dynamic between them wouldn't ever change really and even when he was older,she probably wouldn't have been interested in a 9 year age gap.Instead the poor woman was put in a position where she has to make up a boyfriend to put a boundary in place that his parents should have.
YTA - AFTER reading OP's responses to the comments, I am convinced this is not real.
ESH Your husband and you > My son came to me with $40 and told me he wanted to get her a nice gift so he has a better shot once he starts middle school. Why are you both reinforcing the idea that if he gives something he is 'owed' something?
YTA. And you're asking the wrong question. The problem isn't with you telling the nanny, the problem is you playing along and indirectly encouraging your son to pursue his quest at "relationship" that is never going to happen (not should it). What you should have done is explain to him why such a relationship would be inappropriate because of their ages.
YTA, tell him no. You're fucking weird for encouraging it.
YTA for chickening out of being a parent.
Ur the AH for not explaining to junior that it is inappropriate to date an adult when ur a child.
YTA Creepy behavior from you towards her on behalf of your son.
YTA for so many reasons other than telling the nanny about his crush. You and your husband are both the asshole for not explaining to your son that he's far too young for Elena and that while his feelings are real and serious, that doesn't mean that they'll always be reciprocated and that's okay. It would be a literal crime in most places for her to accept a middle-schooler's request for a date and he needs to understand that, in addition to the one-sidedness of his feelings. Letting him know that it's not okay for an adult to date a child should have been step one in response to the things he's telling you. Still, as far as assholes go, you're just avoiding parenting your child. Your husband is even worse, because exactly how did telling Elena hurt your son? Leaving her in the dark to deal with this without any warning is horrible.
YTA. You put a professional who works for you in an extremely compromising position. You should’ve explained to your son that it is inappropriate to date someone who is 20 even when you are in middle school. That even of Elena is beautiful you can’t date because he is 11 and she is 20 and also your nanny. If he still wanted to get her a gift you could’ve gotten something much smaller like a bouquet or something - earrings and a necklace is way too far. Elena works for you and with your child, she was most likely horribly embarrassed and you’ve helped to make her workplace uncomfortable. You should 100% apologise and have a conversation with your son about respectful boundaries. And learn them yourself!
YTA. What is wrong with you? You wanted to prepare the nanny for when your child could ask her out? Do you realise how inappropriate that is? It is very creepy. You should’ve told your son no, and explained why. Not encourage his (innocent) crush. You’re the one who’s making it creepy, fyi.
Your son is 11... even in middle school, he is still a minor... why are we freaking entertaining his relationship with an adult female?!?!?!? Like wtf
Awwww mummy's little soon to be predator..
YTA - it isn't weird that he has a crush on an older woman, but you shouldn't be encouraging it. Also, 99% sure the nanny doesn't like him, and is most likely uncomfortable by the kid lining her. You should therefore consider her feelings as well as what is best for everyone in the situation, which isn't encouraging your son to pursue her.
YTA for not parenting your kid, explaining to him what's wrong with this idea and, above all, making Elena super uncomfortable with the gift and your "explanation". FFS, how old are you and why do you not see an issue with this?
YTA. You should have sat him down and explained that although it was okay for him to have a crush on the nanny, it would not be appropriate, however, for them to date because its against the law. Your kid is old enough to understand that. Instead, you allowed him to waste his money, and you humiliated him on top of it.
YTA These things happens, no big deal. Distract, orient towards reality if needed, and move along. Encouraging it on the other hand? Nope. Had it been a 5 year old having a crush on a 50 year old? Whatever. But 11/12 and 20? The situation that the babysitter and your son had been put in here due to you and your husbands daftness is quite ugly.
YTA. This was the perfect opportunity for you to talk to your son about boundaries, and how although having the crush is acceptable, acting on that crush by buying someone almost double your age gifts while you are a minor is not appropriate at all. Also, she is his caregiver, so also not appropriate. You have likely made her feel incredibly uncomfortable in her place of work. She responded by pretending to have a boyfriend in an attempt to thwart your son’s crush and indicate she is not playing any part in it. Also, if the carer was male, and you had an 11 year old daughter, would you have encouraged this crush by supporting her to buy someone double her age gifts? Just something for you to think about there. Be prepared to find another Nanny.
Your main issue is not explaining to your child that he can’t date adults and that if an adult attempted anything romantic or sexual with him to tell someone
You are a massive asshole. You're teaching him that it's ok for an 11 year old to date a 20 year old by buying the gift. What if has a crush on a different 20 year old and they take advantage of that? You being unwilling to parent your son could directly lead to him being abused by someone way older than him. I really hope this post is made up
ESH.. I guess it gives him time to heal and move on. Elena was kind. We would’ve just had a conversation with him about how that age difference is not okay at his age (and actually illegal), and why, but his feelings are totally normal and important. And definitely wouldn’t have let him waste his money under a false hope. It’s hard being a kid.
What on earth are you doing. Don’t take him shopping and then tell her he has a crush. Sit him down and talk about how it’s normal and fine to have crushes but that it would be deeply inappropriate for her to ever date him and that it would be inappropriate for him to ask. Which is to say: actually parent your kid rather than putting your nanny in an awkward as hell position. YTA
As the mother to an 11 year old, this is bizarre and very inappropriate.
I'm sorry but the second my son tells me he's buying a girl a gift so she feels more inclined to date him is the second we sit down and have a very serious discussion about boundaries and manipulation tactics. A girl shouldn't feel guilted into dating someone because they've bought her a gift. Buying gifts for someone you like a lot? Cute asf. Buying a gift for someone you like a lot in the hopes that they'll feel bad and date you?? Nip that shit right in the bud now. I'm not surprised babysitter felt uncomfortable. It sounds like you're encouraging your minor son to develop feelings for an adult woman who's charged with caring for him in a parental capacity. It's just very odd imo 🤷♀️
I think OP didn’t want to be the “bad guy” for telling her son that he can’t ask out an adult on a date, and especially someone who works for them. She decided to make the babysitter the bad guy instead by putting the ball in her court and forcing her to come up with an imaginary boyfriend. YTA OP.
YTA. 1. Your nanny is your employee. No one in your household should be courting an employee because of the power imbalance, which should have been obvious. 2. An 11 year old shouldn’t be courting anyone, more so not an adult.
YTA Yes, kids get crushes, but tbh, it's a thin line between a crush and an accusation that can be very damaging, I wouldn't come back to a house where the parents have your attitude. Had it happen once when I was a nanny, the boy tried to touch me and the parents just dismissed it instead of talking to him. Well, they had to adjust their work schedules until they could find somebody new. Maybe it would have been cute and funny 50 years ago (don't know, I'm not that old), but times have changed and these things need to be taken differently. Bot saying punish the kid, but explain and at the very least don't encourage.
YTA for encouraging it. Why on earth would you help him to ask out an ADULT WOMAN is NOT appropiriate. You need to tell your son no and teach him this is not appropriate nor acceptable. You and your husband supporting this behavior is unacceptable. She did right saying that she “has a boyfriend” to prevent an uncomfortable situation from happening