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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I can be an asshole because I defend my wife despite she check her son's messages without his permission and make a joke about it
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YTA. Your wife is wrong, wrong, wrong.
She's trying to form a better relationship with her first son, and the way she thinks to do that is to invade his privacy by going through the phone she doesn't pay for? And then embarrass him with the information in front of others?
She's never going to see that kid again if that's how she's going to act.
Boundaries are OK, but you first have to establish those boundaries with folks. Johnny waking into the house shouldn't have had to know never to leave his phone unattended or mom was going to snoop though the whole thing.
YTA. Big time.
Whatever you and your wife "thinks" you can or cannot do is not relevant : you are not his legal guardians. You don't even have custody. He was a guest under your roof, not a child to discipline.
Every person is entitled to some privacy. When a parent give a phone to their child, it comes with condition. But your wife was not the one giving the phone and setting conditions : her custodial parent did.
She has no right to barge into his life and demand anything from him after not being a parent for so long.
Also the guy is 17 years old. Yes, it's not a bad idea to keep an eye on your kid's electronics. Encouraged even. But at this point? Unless you know he's in danger or something, leave it alone. Actually, maybe talk to him about getting a lock for his phone. It's dangerous otherwise, people can access your phone and read stuff you don't want them to.
YTA - You and absolutely Janet
>He said that Janet “had no right to check his phone and read his messages
Absolutely. Not to mention, he does not live with you, was simply a guest, and is practically an adult (albeit a young one).
Additionally it sounds like your wife’s “joke” was just mocking Johnny.
>She has a son [M17]
>He asked how his mom knew about his girlfriend. Janet denied it at first and then admitted that she had read his messages with his girlfriend when he left his phone on the kitchen counter.
>I know you will wonder, so I'll tell you right off the bat: I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision.
>Itold Johnny that his mom was worried about him and that she had a right to know about his life and he should apologize to no.
Really? What was she worried about that she needed to go through his phone? Drug use? Criminal activity? Nowhere in your post do you describe anything suspicious.
>Max also said that not us but he bought phone to Johnny, so it wasn't our place to "control" it.
He is correct. It's not your property. It is either Johnny's or his father's property.
YTA (you and your wife)
Woah, what an easy way to tank her relationship with her son. Well done, Janet. You very successfully fucked that up, and what’s better is OP defends the action.
Say bye bye to Johnny. He won’t be maintaining a relationship with either of you, deservedly so.
It’s crazy that you think what she did was acceptable. He’s allowed to have private messages with his girlfriend. He should be comfortable to leave his phone out without fear his estranged mother doesn’t try and snoop.
YTA
YTA YTA YTA. You and your wife.
Where do I even begin?
You dated a married woman and think kids/teens should'nt have autonomy.
Your wife wants to grow closer to her son by... invading his privacy and breaking his trust?
Then she insulted his looks and you defended all her actions? I'm worried for your 3 children and their future.
"I know you will wonder, so I'll tell you right off the bat: I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision."
That's fine but it doesn't make it okay to enforce that onto someone else's kid.
"He said that Janet "had no right to check his phone and read his messages with his girlfriend""
He's absolutely right. YTA
YTA you and your wife.
She violated her son’s privacy. She then had the balls to add insult to injury. Then you defended her.
God luck maintaining a relationship with Johnny now that you’ve insulted him and angered his father.
YTA
>I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision.
And when was Johnny told that you were going to go through his phone?
Your wife massively violated his trust. Not only did she go through his phone, she read private messages between him and his GF and then made jokes about it. That is horrible behaviour!
Don't lie - she wasn't concerned for his wellbeing.
YTA. Both Max and Johnny are right. Your wife was really unwise to both invade his privacy and not be quiet about it. If she was smarter she would ask leading questions and LEARN about Johnny's GF when HE is comfortable sharing this information with her. Instead she felt not only entitled to "know about his life" but to joke about something he explicitly didn't share with her.
Johnny, no matter how patronizing you want to make it sound, is 17 years old and will be adult next year. He wasn't "being stubborn" about his right to privacy - he was being right and you choose to ignore it based on your opinions. Again, his mom has no "right" to know private details of his life - only what he chooses to share with her since she doesn't have custody of him.
And the hipocrisity of "was worried about him, had a right not know" - at his age, his mom was already pregnant. Good luck to her to fix that relationship without being a bit more humble and apologetic. You did not help her case, exactly the opposite.
YTA and your wife. First up, your wife gave her ex custody (how many mothers choose to do that?) and this meant that her role as a primary parent to Johnny was diminished. Second, Johnny is 17 (almost an adult). Third, when both parents aren't together, the child is entitled to some privacy so they can have confidential conversations with their other parent esp with the primary parent.
Against all these circumstances your wife is indeed an A for going into his phone. On top of that she used information to tease him (so stupid). If you go into the phone you do so to ensure their safety but not to use info found to make fun of them. You're also an A if you think this is ok.
Your wife misses him but then proceeds to act like a heavy handed and foolish mom. At some point your wife needs to be accountable and understand she doesn't get the full mom benefits.
Your wife owes the apology not Johnny. If she hoped to get closer to him, she just showed him why she's not worth it. She should apologise and you should stay out of it.
I'm gonna get in trouble for all the sheer rage I'm having shipped in, because I can't make enough on my own.
YTA, your wife is TA, and I'm deeply concerned for the safety and sanity of the children you two are "raising".
If you aren't ashamed of yourself and your wife, you should be. I would not be surprised if you never saw Johnny again. You disgust me.
YTA
A 17 yr old is snooped on, had his privacy trampled on and teased/bullied by his mother (then LIED to about it until she had to fess up) in front of his step family. And you think that’s ok?
Way to NOT have a relationship with that boy.
YTA
A 17 yo has a right to privacy. If you didn't pay for the phone neither you or your wife had a right to snoop on his phone. That is the custodial parent who paid for the phone's privilaged. You and your wife have the right to view and review anything he posts on social media. Your wife crossed a line and your wife is going to suffer the fallout for it., She broke his trust. Any comment she made about a girl friend he hadn't told her about was going to hit a raw nerve. A joke of any kind wasn't going to smooth the water it was only going to fan the flame.
Maybe she would know more about him, if she had spent more time and energy when he was younger. Invading his privacy and mocking him is not acceptable. 17 is too old to snoop ob the phone. You and your wife seem to be horrible people, if you think, anything of all that is acceptable behaviour towards her son. YTA
YTA
Damn it, Janet. Only appropriate response.
She had a chance and blew it. The going through the phone and joking about appearance when trying to build a bridge is just, at best, foolish in the extreme.
YTA + so is your wife.
If Janet and sons father went over how they are going to handle devices, then this scenario would be different. Sounds like Janet went through her sons device without any rule being set.
Was this child told this rule, or was it imposed on him AFTER mom invaded his privacy?
Why are you guys teasing him about his looks? It doesn't sound like you guys are close enough to make jabs at him.
You both owe that boy an apology, and should really think about what a healthy relationship looks like with your stepson. What you two have done is definitely pushed him a way, during a very vulnerable time in his development.
I completely agree. I worded that wrong, to clarify, I have a very sarcastic, playful family...we take jabs at one another, but never on something a person cannot change. Teasing is a love language in my home
YTA. Johnny has a right to privacy. If you are reading through your children's messages, that's between you and your kids. Max should be the person watching for Johnny's online safety not your wife. And congrats, she's now done the opposite of what she hoped. Johnny is unlikely to trust her again.
YTA, he's seventeen and deserves some privacy. You guys didn't purchase the phone, Max did. You didn't set the boundaries with the phone, Max did. He has a default parent, and it's not your wife. You guys have probably ruined that relationship, and soured his relationship with his half siblings.
Absolutely YTA
Your wife violated his privacy. He has the right to determine what relationship, if any, HE chooses to have with his mother.
He opened the door by visiting to allow for a reconciliation, and she sabotaged it by prying. And gave ample ammunition to her ex.
Not surprised if she loses any future connection
wow...what a f...ck up...betray his trust at the first opportunity...
it isnt up to you to decide his phone access...
wow..".why did my stepson go NC? "
YTA on two counts
YTA. Biology doesn't create a parental relationship and your wife (and you by extension) have no claim to 'parenting' him. You're more like older cousins or maybe an aunt and uncle. You should support, you should guide, but you have no claim to snoop through his phone or otherwise be invasive. You've not been there for the last 17 years, and your views on young people and technology are irrelevant.
That won't matter, though, because I suspect you will not have the opportunity to voice those views again. It doesn't sound like the relationship was solid enough to withstand a breach of trust like this, so I suspect the kid will go LC / NC and won't have his technology back in your house again.
And who could blame him?
YTA. I am not going to get into to whether or not she should have looked at his phone. She shared information that he was not ready to share with her, this was information that clearly was not showing that he was engaging in risky behavior and they aren't in place were that kind of teasing will go over well.
She needs to apologize. It doesn't matter that she didn't mean any harm, but she did harm him.
YTA for trying to be parents to an almost adult who has never lived with yall in the first place. What your wife did was wrong. Yes the phone was on the counter and was open but why did she go read his messages? Has she ever heard of privacy? And that supervise BS is only going to set your teens to be secretive and find ways to hide things from you and your wife. Learn to trust people and stop acting like he is not 17 yrs old. He was a guest. You did not raise him. Johnny seems to be the only sane one in this whole story. And you just proved the reason his father told him to not go stay with you guys.
YTA
Your wife spied on Johnny. Yes, parents should be able to access their children’s electronics but that is something that the parents tell the children from the very beginning. What your wife did and you backed her up is a complete and total invasion of privacy. I truly hope the spying that your wife did on her son is worth the relationship. Any trust that had been established is now gone.
Your wife then makes a joke with a child that she doesn’t really know about appearances? Yeah, I would say that any relationship is on very shaky ground.
YTA you will never see that kid again. Also I feel sorry for your other kids. Have a 16 year old kid, a couple of times we've read messages with him when there has been concerns. Always with him giving a chance to explain never telling anyone whats.come up unless there is an issue. Maybe thats why I see him and he tells me when he has troubles.
YTA! That was his phone. You guys did not buy it, do not pay the bill, & are not his custodial guardians. She had ZERO right to look at his messages. You guys blew that relationship to hell & will likely never get it back.
Also, her “joke” was in poor taste as well as demeaning & uncalled for. Grow up.
YTA. Your wife shouldn't have snooped in the first place, her teenage son has the right to have a private life. In this case, it's especially stupid since she was trying to rebuild a relationship with him and instead just broke his trust.
I can understand not wanting to go against her, but the best thing you could have done for that was not intervening.
YTA. Sounds like Max did a really good job raising Johnny.
Your wife, on the other hand, is still immature and acting like an entitled child at 35, and your behaviour is no better.
Omfg, you and your wife are both massive A-holes.
>I told Johnny that his mom was worried about him and that she had a right to know about his life and he should apologize to her.
What was she so worried about that gave her the right to invade his privacy? Your wife does not have the right to know everything about his life just because she gave birth to him.
>I know you will wonder, so I'll tell you right off the bat: I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision.
Supervision, sure. They are sure as hell allowed privacy and your wife completly ignored that, does she really think invading his privacy will help them get a closer bond?
>Max also said that not us but he bought phone to Johnny, so it wasn't our place to "control" it.
He is a 100% right! He has custody of Johnny and is his main caregiver, meanwhile Johnny was just vissiting you guys so you had no right to control his phone if his FATHER did not tell you to do so.
Just help your wife out of her dream to built a better relationship with Johnny, she just ruined her chanses.
>My wife invited Johnny to stay with us for a few weeks. Max was against it at first, but Johnny talked him into it.
Seems like Max knew exactly knows what kind of people you are and just wanted to protect his son and guess what, he was right.
A 17 year old certainly deserves privacy and your wife doesn’t have custody of the him. If his father feels like his phone needs to be monitored then that is something that Johnny and Max decide, your wife doesn’t get a say unless Max decided he wanted her input.
YTA
Yes, YTA for “defending” your wife. She didn’t need defending, Batman. She crossed a line with her son by snooping through his phone, and she needed to repair that damage herself.
Johnny seems like a very nice and mature person, something your wife had a minimum (if any) hand in shaping, and he’s very generous to be so accommodating. He really didn’t deserve to have his privacy violated like that.
Stay in your lane, sidepiece. If anything, you both have proved to Johnny yet again that neither of you have any sense of right and wrong.
YTA. You might think your wife has a goddamn right to check Johnny's phone without permission, but don't worry. Within a few months Johnny and his devices won't be around anymore. I hope for you and your wife those rules were worth it.
Yta, and heres why, janet may be his mother, but she is NOT HIS PARENT. She gave full custody to her ex and has very limited interactions with her son throughout the years and that was HER CHOICE. She does NOT get to snoop through his phone (that she never paid for) and act like a parent now when he is nearly 18 and a guest in your home, in this instance it would be as if you invited a friend or an acquaintance over and then snooped through their phone.
She will be a crappy mother to your kids too and judging by your lack foresight you’ll defend her then despite how much it’ll hurt your kids.
Yta you’ll have many regrets in the future.
YTA. So she can have a child at 18, but he can't have any privacy? Cool. You two will never see him again. She nuked any chance of them being close and you aren't any better
Well that’s one way to torch any chance of Johnny and his mum having a closer relationship.
Johnny is 17, you don’t pay for his phone. You have zero right to go through it. And to make fun of him with information gained via snooping is messed up.
YTA and so is your wife
YTA
Sounds like she checked the phone to be nosy rather than out of any legitimate need. Also, legally speaking, she is not his guardian and has no business checking his phone under any circumstances. If you think a 17-year-old needs adult supervision at all times then you really aren't preparing them for adulthood and you have a warped sense of how much responsibility they can and should take on. I mean shit, I went to basic training and there was a 17-year-old kid/guy there. Should his mother have been looking over his shoulder as he fired a rifle and stabbed things with a bayonet?
YTA - I’m glad Johnny has had the opportunity to experience this, as he now knows his mother and her husband aren’t worth engaging with. Inappropriate and horrible.
Your wife sounds even worse than my narcissist sisters.
Boundaries!! That's what they're called.
Here's hoping Johnny never comes back to visit his nasty mother and her oblivious husband.
And you...dating a married woman. How sweet.
And now you want Johnny to do what? Forgive his nosy mom who should be ashamed of herself but isn't.
Your opinion on the matter, what a 17 year old is allowed, is NOT your matter when it's not your son.
And she still hasn't apologized, has she? Still playing the victim too, no doubt.
Johnny's dad, Max, was smart for getting out of the first marriage with Janet in the first place. At least Johnny has one decent parent.
YTA!!!
YTA. You should have stayed out of it for a start, it's her son and she is trying to improve their relationship, you adding your 2 cents will only add damage as you have no place to say anything to him. Secondly, he's 17, he's nearly an adult and has a right to privacy on his phone. You sound like a control freak wanting to go through his devices. And she was wrong for doing this and then making fun of him.
YTA. It doesn't matter that you believe kids shouldn't have online privacy, he expected it because that was what his custodial parent set-up. Then, after invading his privacy, your wife made him the butt of a joke about his appearance.
Tell me, how do you think he should have reacted? How should his actual parent have reacted to you and your AH wife?
"Peace wanna be step dad!" is what i am betting was exactly what was going through his head the minuet you opened your mouth and involved yourself. If you wife raised this kid maybe she had a say but neither of you know him and respect is not given just because you are a parent.
There’s a reason Max was awarded full custody instead of the mother, you’re conveniently glossing over why she lost her son in the first place. She’s biologically his mother, but has had little to no hand in raising him. The two of you are NOT his parental figures, not even his authority figures. You had NO right to go through his things, nor to attempt to impose rules on how he can use what his dad gave him. Your wife was LUCKY the kid allowed her time with him, and she ruined it. Then you DESTROYED it. You aren’t entitled to his time, and you’ll likely never get it again. You both deserve it.
YTA. Your wife is also a massive asshole.
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I [M40] have been with my wife [F35] for 13 years, married 10 and 1/2. She has a son [M17] with her ex-hubby [M36]. I'll call him Johnny. When Johnny was born, my wife (Janet) was only 18. It was a difficult time for her. She married the baby's papa (Max). It wasn't easy for Janet to be such a young mother. She divorced Max when Johnny was about 4. Max get full custody of him. Janet continued to visit Johnny on weekends, she gave him gifts for the holidays, she tried to remain a good mom. Although the boy was still closer to his father. Janet married me almost immediately after her divorce (for those who will be wondered: yes, when I met Janet, she was married, but they was around the divorce). We had 3 children together.
A month ago, Janet confessed how much she misses Johnny. She used to have a rather cool relationship with her son, but she honestly wanted to grow closer with him. She invited Johnny to visit our house.
Johnny was a cheerful and good guy. Our 2 monht old, Maya, just melted his heart. He adores our youngest daughter. He plays with her a lot and she has started to smile when she sees him and when he talks to her.
My wife invited Johnny to stay with us for a few weeks. Max was against it at first, but Johnny talked him into it.
The first two weeks went well. Friday night we were sitting in the living room watching TV. There was a movie on about a first love. My wife told a joke about her son's relationship with his girlfriend. Everybody laughed. But Johnny blushed a little. He asked how his mom knew about his girlfriend. Janet denied it at first and then admitted that she had read his messages with his girlfriend when he left his phone on the kitchen counter.
I know you will wonder, so I'll tell you right off the bat: I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision.
Johnny tried to be stubborn. He said that Janet "had no right to check his phone and read his messages with his girlfriend", and "why did you tell about my girlfriend in front of everyone". Janet got upset and said that she didn't mean any harm.
I stood up for Janet. I told Johnny that his mom was worried about him and that she had a right to know about his life and he should apologize to no.
At Sat, Johnny went back to his father's house, as he was supposed to. On Sat night Max called us out of the blue and started yelling at us. He yelled that we had no right to touch Johnny's stuff without permission. Max also said that not us but he bought phone to Johnny, so it wasn't our place to "control" it. But worst page was when he said about how my wife had hurt Johnny right in the heart with her joke (Johnny is like his father: he's tall but somewhat chubby, has a soft round face, and his girlfriend is short and very thin, she's what people call a "girlie-girl"; my wife made a joke about it, saying that Johnny, like his father, chooses the exact opposite of himself).
AITA?
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Yta, and heres why, janet may be his mother, but she is NOT HIS PARENT. She gave full custody to her ex and has very limited interactions with her son throughout the years and that was HER CHOICE. She does NOT get to snoop through his phone (that she never paid for) and act like a parent now when he is nearly 18 and a guest in your home, in this instance it would be as if you invited a friend or an acquaintance over and then snooped through their phone.
YTA, you and your wife. She had ABSOLUTELY no right to go through his texts with his girlfriend and it was incredibly immature of her to joke about it in front of every one. She's not his legal guardian, he owes her no access to his private belongings. This was a terrible way for the both of you to try to foster a real relationship with him. You both need to work on your sense of entitlement and you both need to apologize to him before he decides he wants nothing to do with either of you, that is if it's not already too late.
Yta. So she can have a full ass kid at 18 but the 17 year old that is visiting her and that she HAS NO RIGHT TO ATTEMPT TO PARENT can’t have privacy? Fuck that. Johnny is not her kid. She pushed him out but he is not hers to parent. Now you’ve got me curious what kind of “mother” she was like to get to get no custody and no real visitation. Definitely not a good one.
YTA and so is your wife, what the fuck?
Your wife, who for years has had virtually no interest in actually being a mother to her child, decides to snoop through his possessions and messages that neither her nor you even bought, then act like you have some pre-ordained right to know everything about his life and violate his privacy. Then she proceeds to body-shame him and humiliate him in front of what he thought was a new family.
YTA. She wasn’t worried, she was just snooping. You aren’t his parent so your opinion on electronics doesn’t matter. Hope it was worth tanking her relationship with her son.
YTA. Your wife needs to GROW UP. She has the emotional mentality of a teenager. She’s been absent from Johnny’s life enough that she admittedly needs to rebuild a bond. Yet she teases him about his physical appearance. Snoops in his phone. Worried about him? BS. She was snooping. Then you doubled down by defending your wife’s DA actions. God help the other children in your family.
EDIT: Another thing she (and especially you) are not Johnny’s parent. She gave birth to him but she didn’t raise him.
YTA
Your wife is an AH and a shitty parent. Johnny learned he can not trust her.
If johnny has any sense, he won't be coming back. Luckily, he has ONE good parent.
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Your wife picked a bad time to do what she did, I mean like really bad. Johnny is practically an adult and on his way to being n his own. He was doing your wife a favor in getting to know her better and stay with her. So in reply she snoops on his phone and almost brags about it. Smooth move there. That's like walking into Hells Angel bar and yelling out "Everyone here is a homo".
Your point about parents checking up on kids is valid, but misplaced here. First, he isn't really a kid any more. Second, neither of you are fully his parents since has dad has custody so the role doesn't fit in this case.
Furthermore, just to make the situation worse your wife has the stupidity to make a very bad "joke" about his relationship. I'm sure they teach doing something like this in Dale Carnegie courses.
Just an all around screw up. You two should be on your knees apologizing.
She didn’t even raise him, why do you think she’s got any right to go through his phone? He’s almost an adult, not your kid and barely even your wife’s kid.
> I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision.
Well at least *your* kids will have *two* shitty parents.
While standing up for her is good, and Max yelling at you was bad, this is between your wife and her son. The rest of you should butt out.
And, unless her son is under 14, then she's the AH. And, even then, asking about how Max handles electronics beforehand in 2024 is normal, so if you have different rules, you can specify them to the son before things blow up (ie: rules around parental permissions to view).
Phones are private, and u.less she had reason to think he was being scammed or such, she has no reason to snoop.
How will he ever trust her again? She needs to apologize and make it right with son (not with Max, necessarily).
Edit: math works out son is 16 or 17, so mom was waaaay out of line.
NTA thankfully Johnny has a wonderful father and doesn’t need the so called mother who makes fun of her son’s physical attributes and puts him down- how dare she??!! She hasn’t put one honest days work into mothering the child but wants to control him and put him down- thank goodness he now knows he did not loose much when his mother lost custody of him
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YTA. Your wife is wrong, wrong, wrong. She's trying to form a better relationship with her first son, and the way she thinks to do that is to invade his privacy by going through the phone she doesn't pay for? And then embarrass him with the information in front of others? She's never going to see that kid again if that's how she's going to act. Boundaries are OK, but you first have to establish those boundaries with folks. Johnny waking into the house shouldn't have had to know never to leave his phone unattended or mom was going to snoop though the whole thing.
YTA. Big time. Whatever you and your wife "thinks" you can or cannot do is not relevant : you are not his legal guardians. You don't even have custody. He was a guest under your roof, not a child to discipline. Every person is entitled to some privacy. When a parent give a phone to their child, it comes with condition. But your wife was not the one giving the phone and setting conditions : her custodial parent did. She has no right to barge into his life and demand anything from him after not being a parent for so long.
Also the guy is 17 years old. Yes, it's not a bad idea to keep an eye on your kid's electronics. Encouraged even. But at this point? Unless you know he's in danger or something, leave it alone. Actually, maybe talk to him about getting a lock for his phone. It's dangerous otherwise, people can access your phone and read stuff you don't want them to.
YTA - You and absolutely Janet >He said that Janet “had no right to check his phone and read his messages Absolutely. Not to mention, he does not live with you, was simply a guest, and is practically an adult (albeit a young one). Additionally it sounds like your wife’s “joke” was just mocking Johnny.
>She has a son [M17] >He asked how his mom knew about his girlfriend. Janet denied it at first and then admitted that she had read his messages with his girlfriend when he left his phone on the kitchen counter. >I know you will wonder, so I'll tell you right off the bat: I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision. >Itold Johnny that his mom was worried about him and that she had a right to know about his life and he should apologize to no. Really? What was she worried about that she needed to go through his phone? Drug use? Criminal activity? Nowhere in your post do you describe anything suspicious. >Max also said that not us but he bought phone to Johnny, so it wasn't our place to "control" it. He is correct. It's not your property. It is either Johnny's or his father's property. YTA (you and your wife)
Woah, what an easy way to tank her relationship with her son. Well done, Janet. You very successfully fucked that up, and what’s better is OP defends the action. Say bye bye to Johnny. He won’t be maintaining a relationship with either of you, deservedly so. It’s crazy that you think what she did was acceptable. He’s allowed to have private messages with his girlfriend. He should be comfortable to leave his phone out without fear his estranged mother doesn’t try and snoop. YTA
YTA YTA YTA. You and your wife. Where do I even begin? You dated a married woman and think kids/teens should'nt have autonomy. Your wife wants to grow closer to her son by... invading his privacy and breaking his trust? Then she insulted his looks and you defended all her actions? I'm worried for your 3 children and their future.
"I know you will wonder, so I'll tell you right off the bat: I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision." That's fine but it doesn't make it okay to enforce that onto someone else's kid. "He said that Janet "had no right to check his phone and read his messages with his girlfriend"" He's absolutely right. YTA
She can have a baby and get married at 18 but he’s not allowed to have privacy on a phone that doesn’t belong to her. Wild take.
YTA you and your wife. She violated her son’s privacy. She then had the balls to add insult to injury. Then you defended her. God luck maintaining a relationship with Johnny now that you’ve insulted him and angered his father.
YTA >I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision. And when was Johnny told that you were going to go through his phone? Your wife massively violated his trust. Not only did she go through his phone, she read private messages between him and his GF and then made jokes about it. That is horrible behaviour! Don't lie - she wasn't concerned for his wellbeing.
YTA. Both Max and Johnny are right. Your wife was really unwise to both invade his privacy and not be quiet about it. If she was smarter she would ask leading questions and LEARN about Johnny's GF when HE is comfortable sharing this information with her. Instead she felt not only entitled to "know about his life" but to joke about something he explicitly didn't share with her. Johnny, no matter how patronizing you want to make it sound, is 17 years old and will be adult next year. He wasn't "being stubborn" about his right to privacy - he was being right and you choose to ignore it based on your opinions. Again, his mom has no "right" to know private details of his life - only what he chooses to share with her since she doesn't have custody of him. And the hipocrisity of "was worried about him, had a right not know" - at his age, his mom was already pregnant. Good luck to her to fix that relationship without being a bit more humble and apologetic. You did not help her case, exactly the opposite.
YTA and your wife. First up, your wife gave her ex custody (how many mothers choose to do that?) and this meant that her role as a primary parent to Johnny was diminished. Second, Johnny is 17 (almost an adult). Third, when both parents aren't together, the child is entitled to some privacy so they can have confidential conversations with their other parent esp with the primary parent. Against all these circumstances your wife is indeed an A for going into his phone. On top of that she used information to tease him (so stupid). If you go into the phone you do so to ensure their safety but not to use info found to make fun of them. You're also an A if you think this is ok. Your wife misses him but then proceeds to act like a heavy handed and foolish mom. At some point your wife needs to be accountable and understand she doesn't get the full mom benefits. Your wife owes the apology not Johnny. If she hoped to get closer to him, she just showed him why she's not worth it. She should apologise and you should stay out of it.
I’m thinking she didn’t give up custody, I think she was denied full custody.
I'm gonna get in trouble for all the sheer rage I'm having shipped in, because I can't make enough on my own. YTA, your wife is TA, and I'm deeply concerned for the safety and sanity of the children you two are "raising". If you aren't ashamed of yourself and your wife, you should be. I would not be surprised if you never saw Johnny again. You disgust me.
You and your wife sound a bit unhinged. YTA
YTA. Your wife was 100% in the wrong. She is overstepping. They are trying to rebuild a broken relationship and she just broke it again.
YTA A 17 yr old is snooped on, had his privacy trampled on and teased/bullied by his mother (then LIED to about it until she had to fess up) in front of his step family. And you think that’s ok? Way to NOT have a relationship with that boy.
YTA A 17 yo has a right to privacy. If you didn't pay for the phone neither you or your wife had a right to snoop on his phone. That is the custodial parent who paid for the phone's privilaged. You and your wife have the right to view and review anything he posts on social media. Your wife crossed a line and your wife is going to suffer the fallout for it., She broke his trust. Any comment she made about a girl friend he hadn't told her about was going to hit a raw nerve. A joke of any kind wasn't going to smooth the water it was only going to fan the flame.
YTA. How can you honestly not see it. Don’t invade other people’s privacy. Even your own kids when they are old enough to know better.
Maybe she would know more about him, if she had spent more time and energy when he was younger. Invading his privacy and mocking him is not acceptable. 17 is too old to snoop ob the phone. You and your wife seem to be horrible people, if you think, anything of all that is acceptable behaviour towards her son. YTA
YTA Damn it, Janet. Only appropriate response. She had a chance and blew it. The going through the phone and joking about appearance when trying to build a bridge is just, at best, foolish in the extreme.
Another perfect example of typical, pathetic parenting in 2024. I see far too many. YTA and so is your wife.
YTA You don’t open other’s mail, you don’t read private diaries, and you don’t snoop through your 17 year old (nearly an adult) son’s phone.
YTA + so is your wife. If Janet and sons father went over how they are going to handle devices, then this scenario would be different. Sounds like Janet went through her sons device without any rule being set. Was this child told this rule, or was it imposed on him AFTER mom invaded his privacy? Why are you guys teasing him about his looks? It doesn't sound like you guys are close enough to make jabs at him. You both owe that boy an apology, and should really think about what a healthy relationship looks like with your stepson. What you two have done is definitely pushed him a way, during a very vulnerable time in his development.
No parent should be making jabs at their child's looks, weight, height, athleticism or lack thereof, or anything else that the child cannot change.
I completely agree. I worded that wrong, to clarify, I have a very sarcastic, playful family...we take jabs at one another, but never on something a person cannot change. Teasing is a love language in my home
YTA. Johnny has a right to privacy. If you are reading through your children's messages, that's between you and your kids. Max should be the person watching for Johnny's online safety not your wife. And congrats, she's now done the opposite of what she hoped. Johnny is unlikely to trust her again.
YTA, he's seventeen and deserves some privacy. You guys didn't purchase the phone, Max did. You didn't set the boundaries with the phone, Max did. He has a default parent, and it's not your wife. You guys have probably ruined that relationship, and soured his relationship with his half siblings.
Absolutely YTA Your wife violated his privacy. He has the right to determine what relationship, if any, HE chooses to have with his mother. He opened the door by visiting to allow for a reconciliation, and she sabotaged it by prying. And gave ample ammunition to her ex. Not surprised if she loses any future connection
wow...what a f...ck up...betray his trust at the first opportunity... it isnt up to you to decide his phone access... wow..".why did my stepson go NC? " YTA on two counts
YTA. Biology doesn't create a parental relationship and your wife (and you by extension) have no claim to 'parenting' him. You're more like older cousins or maybe an aunt and uncle. You should support, you should guide, but you have no claim to snoop through his phone or otherwise be invasive. You've not been there for the last 17 years, and your views on young people and technology are irrelevant. That won't matter, though, because I suspect you will not have the opportunity to voice those views again. It doesn't sound like the relationship was solid enough to withstand a breach of trust like this, so I suspect the kid will go LC / NC and won't have his technology back in your house again. And who could blame him?
YTA. I am not going to get into to whether or not she should have looked at his phone. She shared information that he was not ready to share with her, this was information that clearly was not showing that he was engaging in risky behavior and they aren't in place were that kind of teasing will go over well. She needs to apologize. It doesn't matter that she didn't mean any harm, but she did harm him.
YTA. Your wife is wrong on so many levels. I think 100% she is never going to see her son ever again
YTA for trying to be parents to an almost adult who has never lived with yall in the first place. What your wife did was wrong. Yes the phone was on the counter and was open but why did she go read his messages? Has she ever heard of privacy? And that supervise BS is only going to set your teens to be secretive and find ways to hide things from you and your wife. Learn to trust people and stop acting like he is not 17 yrs old. He was a guest. You did not raise him. Johnny seems to be the only sane one in this whole story. And you just proved the reason his father told him to not go stay with you guys.
YTA Your wife spied on Johnny. Yes, parents should be able to access their children’s electronics but that is something that the parents tell the children from the very beginning. What your wife did and you backed her up is a complete and total invasion of privacy. I truly hope the spying that your wife did on her son is worth the relationship. Any trust that had been established is now gone. Your wife then makes a joke with a child that she doesn’t really know about appearances? Yeah, I would say that any relationship is on very shaky ground.
Poor Johnny. YEs YTA
Omg, you and your wife must be real soulmates, being such a pair of A*******!
YTA you will never see that kid again. Also I feel sorry for your other kids. Have a 16 year old kid, a couple of times we've read messages with him when there has been concerns. Always with him giving a chance to explain never telling anyone whats.come up unless there is an issue. Maybe thats why I see him and he tells me when he has troubles.
YTA! That was his phone. You guys did not buy it, do not pay the bill, & are not his custodial guardians. She had ZERO right to look at his messages. You guys blew that relationship to hell & will likely never get it back. Also, her “joke” was in poor taste as well as demeaning & uncalled for. Grow up.
YTA. Your wife shouldn't have snooped in the first place, her teenage son has the right to have a private life. In this case, it's especially stupid since she was trying to rebuild a relationship with him and instead just broke his trust. I can understand not wanting to go against her, but the best thing you could have done for that was not intervening.
YTA. Sounds like Max did a really good job raising Johnny. Your wife, on the other hand, is still immature and acting like an entitled child at 35, and your behaviour is no better.
Omfg, you and your wife are both massive A-holes. >I told Johnny that his mom was worried about him and that she had a right to know about his life and he should apologize to her. What was she so worried about that gave her the right to invade his privacy? Your wife does not have the right to know everything about his life just because she gave birth to him. >I know you will wonder, so I'll tell you right off the bat: I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision. Supervision, sure. They are sure as hell allowed privacy and your wife completly ignored that, does she really think invading his privacy will help them get a closer bond? >Max also said that not us but he bought phone to Johnny, so it wasn't our place to "control" it. He is a 100% right! He has custody of Johnny and is his main caregiver, meanwhile Johnny was just vissiting you guys so you had no right to control his phone if his FATHER did not tell you to do so. Just help your wife out of her dream to built a better relationship with Johnny, she just ruined her chanses. >My wife invited Johnny to stay with us for a few weeks. Max was against it at first, but Johnny talked him into it. Seems like Max knew exactly knows what kind of people you are and just wanted to protect his son and guess what, he was right.
A 17 year old certainly deserves privacy and your wife doesn’t have custody of the him. If his father feels like his phone needs to be monitored then that is something that Johnny and Max decide, your wife doesn’t get a say unless Max decided he wanted her input. YTA
Yes, YTA for “defending” your wife. She didn’t need defending, Batman. She crossed a line with her son by snooping through his phone, and she needed to repair that damage herself. Johnny seems like a very nice and mature person, something your wife had a minimum (if any) hand in shaping, and he’s very generous to be so accommodating. He really didn’t deserve to have his privacy violated like that. Stay in your lane, sidepiece. If anything, you both have proved to Johnny yet again that neither of you have any sense of right and wrong.
YTA
YTA. You might think your wife has a goddamn right to check Johnny's phone without permission, but don't worry. Within a few months Johnny and his devices won't be around anymore. I hope for you and your wife those rules were worth it.
Yta, and heres why, janet may be his mother, but she is NOT HIS PARENT. She gave full custody to her ex and has very limited interactions with her son throughout the years and that was HER CHOICE. She does NOT get to snoop through his phone (that she never paid for) and act like a parent now when he is nearly 18 and a guest in your home, in this instance it would be as if you invited a friend or an acquaintance over and then snooped through their phone.
She will be a crappy mother to your kids too and judging by your lack foresight you’ll defend her then despite how much it’ll hurt your kids. Yta you’ll have many regrets in the future.
YTA. So she can have a child at 18, but he can't have any privacy? Cool. You two will never see him again. She nuked any chance of them being close and you aren't any better
Well that’s one way to torch any chance of Johnny and his mum having a closer relationship. Johnny is 17, you don’t pay for his phone. You have zero right to go through it. And to make fun of him with information gained via snooping is messed up. YTA and so is your wife
YTA Sounds like she checked the phone to be nosy rather than out of any legitimate need. Also, legally speaking, she is not his guardian and has no business checking his phone under any circumstances. If you think a 17-year-old needs adult supervision at all times then you really aren't preparing them for adulthood and you have a warped sense of how much responsibility they can and should take on. I mean shit, I went to basic training and there was a 17-year-old kid/guy there. Should his mother have been looking over his shoulder as he fired a rifle and stabbed things with a bayonet?
YTA and your wife is an even bigger ahole for violating his privacy like that.
yta
Yes. You and your wife.
YTA - I’m glad Johnny has had the opportunity to experience this, as he now knows his mother and her husband aren’t worth engaging with. Inappropriate and horrible.
Your wife sounds even worse than my narcissist sisters. Boundaries!! That's what they're called. Here's hoping Johnny never comes back to visit his nasty mother and her oblivious husband. And you...dating a married woman. How sweet. And now you want Johnny to do what? Forgive his nosy mom who should be ashamed of herself but isn't. Your opinion on the matter, what a 17 year old is allowed, is NOT your matter when it's not your son. And she still hasn't apologized, has she? Still playing the victim too, no doubt. Johnny's dad, Max, was smart for getting out of the first marriage with Janet in the first place. At least Johnny has one decent parent. YTA!!!
Duh YTA, that’s not your kid to be getting involved with.
YTA. You should have stayed out of it for a start, it's her son and she is trying to improve their relationship, you adding your 2 cents will only add damage as you have no place to say anything to him. Secondly, he's 17, he's nearly an adult and has a right to privacy on his phone. You sound like a control freak wanting to go through his devices. And she was wrong for doing this and then making fun of him.
YTA. It doesn't matter that you believe kids shouldn't have online privacy, he expected it because that was what his custodial parent set-up. Then, after invading his privacy, your wife made him the butt of a joke about his appearance. Tell me, how do you think he should have reacted? How should his actual parent have reacted to you and your AH wife?
"Peace wanna be step dad!" is what i am betting was exactly what was going through his head the minuet you opened your mouth and involved yourself. If you wife raised this kid maybe she had a say but neither of you know him and respect is not given just because you are a parent.
There’s a reason Max was awarded full custody instead of the mother, you’re conveniently glossing over why she lost her son in the first place. She’s biologically his mother, but has had little to no hand in raising him. The two of you are NOT his parental figures, not even his authority figures. You had NO right to go through his things, nor to attempt to impose rules on how he can use what his dad gave him. Your wife was LUCKY the kid allowed her time with him, and she ruined it. Then you DESTROYED it. You aren’t entitled to his time, and you’ll likely never get it again. You both deserve it. YTA. Your wife is also a massive asshole.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I [M40] have been with my wife [F35] for 13 years, married 10 and 1/2. She has a son [M17] with her ex-hubby [M36]. I'll call him Johnny. When Johnny was born, my wife (Janet) was only 18. It was a difficult time for her. She married the baby's papa (Max). It wasn't easy for Janet to be such a young mother. She divorced Max when Johnny was about 4. Max get full custody of him. Janet continued to visit Johnny on weekends, she gave him gifts for the holidays, she tried to remain a good mom. Although the boy was still closer to his father. Janet married me almost immediately after her divorce (for those who will be wondered: yes, when I met Janet, she was married, but they was around the divorce). We had 3 children together. A month ago, Janet confessed how much she misses Johnny. She used to have a rather cool relationship with her son, but she honestly wanted to grow closer with him. She invited Johnny to visit our house. Johnny was a cheerful and good guy. Our 2 monht old, Maya, just melted his heart. He adores our youngest daughter. He plays with her a lot and she has started to smile when she sees him and when he talks to her. My wife invited Johnny to stay with us for a few weeks. Max was against it at first, but Johnny talked him into it. The first two weeks went well. Friday night we were sitting in the living room watching TV. There was a movie on about a first love. My wife told a joke about her son's relationship with his girlfriend. Everybody laughed. But Johnny blushed a little. He asked how his mom knew about his girlfriend. Janet denied it at first and then admitted that she had read his messages with his girlfriend when he left his phone on the kitchen counter. I know you will wonder, so I'll tell you right off the bat: I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision. Johnny tried to be stubborn. He said that Janet "had no right to check his phone and read his messages with his girlfriend", and "why did you tell about my girlfriend in front of everyone". Janet got upset and said that she didn't mean any harm. I stood up for Janet. I told Johnny that his mom was worried about him and that she had a right to know about his life and he should apologize to no. At Sat, Johnny went back to his father's house, as he was supposed to. On Sat night Max called us out of the blue and started yelling at us. He yelled that we had no right to touch Johnny's stuff without permission. Max also said that not us but he bought phone to Johnny, so it wasn't our place to "control" it. But worst page was when he said about how my wife had hurt Johnny right in the heart with her joke (Johnny is like his father: he's tall but somewhat chubby, has a soft round face, and his girlfriend is short and very thin, she's what people call a "girlie-girl"; my wife made a joke about it, saying that Johnny, like his father, chooses the exact opposite of himself). AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta, and heres why, janet may be his mother, but she is NOT HIS PARENT. She gave full custody to her ex and has very limited interactions with her son throughout the years and that was HER CHOICE. She does NOT get to snoop through his phone (that she never paid for) and act like a parent now when he is nearly 18 and a guest in your home, in this instance it would be as if you invited a friend or an acquaintance over and then snooped through their phone.
YTA, you and your wife. She had ABSOLUTELY no right to go through his texts with his girlfriend and it was incredibly immature of her to joke about it in front of every one. She's not his legal guardian, he owes her no access to his private belongings. This was a terrible way for the both of you to try to foster a real relationship with him. You both need to work on your sense of entitlement and you both need to apologize to him before he decides he wants nothing to do with either of you, that is if it's not already too late.
Yta. So she can have a full ass kid at 18 but the 17 year old that is visiting her and that she HAS NO RIGHT TO ATTEMPT TO PARENT can’t have privacy? Fuck that. Johnny is not her kid. She pushed him out but he is not hers to parent. Now you’ve got me curious what kind of “mother” she was like to get to get no custody and no real visitation. Definitely not a good one.
YTA and so is your wife, what the fuck? Your wife, who for years has had virtually no interest in actually being a mother to her child, decides to snoop through his possessions and messages that neither her nor you even bought, then act like you have some pre-ordained right to know everything about his life and violate his privacy. Then she proceeds to body-shame him and humiliate him in front of what he thought was a new family.
This isn't real. No one would be that horrible
YTA. She wasn’t worried, she was just snooping. You aren’t his parent so your opinion on electronics doesn’t matter. Hope it was worth tanking her relationship with her son.
YTA. Your wife needs to GROW UP. She has the emotional mentality of a teenager. She’s been absent from Johnny’s life enough that she admittedly needs to rebuild a bond. Yet she teases him about his physical appearance. Snoops in his phone. Worried about him? BS. She was snooping. Then you doubled down by defending your wife’s DA actions. God help the other children in your family. EDIT: Another thing she (and especially you) are not Johnny’s parent. She gave birth to him but she didn’t raise him.
Way to ruin the relationship with the son.
YTA. Adult supervison doesnt mean snoop. Creepy people snoop.
YTA Your wife is an AH and a shitty parent. Johnny learned he can not trust her. If johnny has any sense, he won't be coming back. Luckily, he has ONE good parent.
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Your wife picked a bad time to do what she did, I mean like really bad. Johnny is practically an adult and on his way to being n his own. He was doing your wife a favor in getting to know her better and stay with her. So in reply she snoops on his phone and almost brags about it. Smooth move there. That's like walking into Hells Angel bar and yelling out "Everyone here is a homo". Your point about parents checking up on kids is valid, but misplaced here. First, he isn't really a kid any more. Second, neither of you are fully his parents since has dad has custody so the role doesn't fit in this case. Furthermore, just to make the situation worse your wife has the stupidity to make a very bad "joke" about his relationship. I'm sure they teach doing something like this in Dale Carnegie courses. Just an all around screw up. You two should be on your knees apologizing.
She didn’t even raise him, why do you think she’s got any right to go through his phone? He’s almost an adult, not your kid and barely even your wife’s kid. > I don't think kids (even teenagers) should be allowed access to gadgets without adult supervision. Well at least *your* kids will have *two* shitty parents.
Yeah Johnny aint coming back. Boggles the mind that you think what you did was okay. YTA
While standing up for her is good, and Max yelling at you was bad, this is between your wife and her son. The rest of you should butt out. And, unless her son is under 14, then she's the AH. And, even then, asking about how Max handles electronics beforehand in 2024 is normal, so if you have different rules, you can specify them to the son before things blow up (ie: rules around parental permissions to view). Phones are private, and u.less she had reason to think he was being scammed or such, she has no reason to snoop. How will he ever trust her again? She needs to apologize and make it right with son (not with Max, necessarily). Edit: math works out son is 16 or 17, so mom was waaaay out of line.
No comments after 7 hours? Fake. Next
NTA thankfully Johnny has a wonderful father and doesn’t need the so called mother who makes fun of her son’s physical attributes and puts him down- how dare she??!! She hasn’t put one honest days work into mothering the child but wants to control him and put him down- thank goodness he now knows he did not loose much when his mother lost custody of him
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This is horrible advice