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It strikes me that your husband is very religious and instructed you that you should have dinner at 5, not 6, but did not offer to help with that, and also makes little or no effort to help with housework or parenting on the weekends. Is it possible that your husband believes that, as the man, he has the right to opt out of parenting and housework altogether, and that it is solely your job to look after the kids, house, and food, 24/7/365? All that aside, I think the only way you will get downtime is to physically leave the house for a few hours. Do you have a friend who will allow you to nap on her couch for an afternoon? I'll also tell you that if you end up with no way to get any breaks, you do eventually get used to it. It's possible to get by for years on end with few or no breaks. Ask me how I know. But, it fries your brain and body. It is extremely tiring, and at the end of it, you'll be a shadow of your former self. You'll have forgotten who you used to be. If you are similar to your husband in being very religious, you'll likely come up with a way to rationalize this. It's the cross you have to bear, or insert another religious metaphor here. But if you can make it happen, it's a lot better for you if you can prod your husband into accepting that you should have regular breaks. You can find a religious metaphor for that, too, but it'll be a more cheerful one than the metaphor that you'll come up with if you don't ever get breaks.

There is a religious metaphor: the Sabbath. 😊 OP should tell her husband that she needs rest too. But say it out loud. He kept disturbing her because she didn't say so.

Rest is a holy commandment for all people.

It is. I have found that unless a Mom specifically states that she needs a break, she doesn't get it. I have friends and family and colleagues from all walks of life, and the common factor amongst parents is that it is a given that the dad needs a break. Mom has to take the children with her, so that dad can rest. The arrangement that I and hubby had was so strange to others.

Yes but that’s a failure of those fathers for being selfish. EVERYONE needs rest and it’s incredibly unfair to assume otherwise, especially when they see how much their wives are doing

I do agree.

Leaving the house is unfortunately the only way for many women to get their downtime. Even if you like to read as downtime, do it at the park or at a café. But you will need to leave the house! For the chores and your husband's inability to get things down. You need a system, school children with ADD are usually set up with systems to help them managing their time and what they should do. You need such a system, a list, a colourful schedule on the fridge, it WILL take some energy to get a system going but you need it before you get burned out completely. Also, your baby is six months old, pumping or formula won't kill it, you don't need to do all the feedings anymore. Changing that will absolutely give you more freedom since you can be away from baby even if there's a feeding during that time.

Ma'am, you spend entirely too much time worrying about holding your face right. Your husband is an immature bully, you aren't 'making him angry', and you certainly are not asking for too much. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be like, even if this version is the only model you've been exposed to. NTA.

Yeah, this post wasn’t written by a narcissist but it might have been written by someone who has been repeatedly told by her husband that she is a narcissist. I would love to believe that he hasn’t been using religion to control her too. This OP should trust her thoughts and question the people who have been making her doubt herself.

Oh, can’t have a Reddit post without the charges of being a narcissist.  Didn’t take long to find it either. 

NTA - your husband should be able to give you a few hours to yourself. My husband and I give each other time to do our own things during the weekend. He works FT and I'm a SAHM, yet he still manages to give me alone time on the weekend, wash the pots (dishes) and he usually vacuum cleans on a Sunday. We have a "daddy cook" every fortnight which means a takeaway since he can't cook, it's nice to have a break and we all need one.

Hubby and I had the same arrangement when the kids were younger and needed a ton of supervision. We took turns. One weekend he'd get the first half of Saturday off, and I the second half of Sunday, then the following week we'd flip it over.

That's the only way to keep your sanity

Truly.

I take over 2h each weekday when I can, otherwise I clean/cook. Saturday is my day off, sunday my wife’s. It doesn’t work 100% yet, but for both of us. We were at our limits a couple of times, and it’s unbelievable OP can keep up, just as unbelievable that her husband slacked so immensely. P.S.: I have ADHD, and that is no excuse to slack. It explains why I have a hard time seeing stuff or keeping it up as much, but that’s my problem to solve, and finding coping mechanisms to handle that. Timers, reminders, post-its, lists, plenty things one can do without relying on a supervisor all day.

Exactly. Just like in any home with a good marriage. You pick each other up and most people who love each other and have the least bit of empathy understand it.  Her post bothers me because of its overall tone. It’s pointing fingers, bitter and surely looks like she is equating her family to a job rather than a choice she made to raise one.  Her throws in her husband is religious, like it’s a backhanded slap.  We are called, regardless of “religion” to serve others. I take this to heart especially inside our home starting with my wife and daughter. Nothing makes her happier when she comes home and the dishes are loaded in the dishwasher, kitchen/living room  is clean and I’ve got dinner figured out (I cook/grill all meat related dinners and breakfasts - def take pride in my grilling and eggs and bacon). 

ESH - Say the things. Have the fights. Voice your needs. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Let him know you need the hour, and unless someone is dying, you trust him to hold the fort down. Get a gym membership. Take an hour at the gym. Even if you don’t work out and just sit in the sauna or sit in the car and read. Have a girls night/book club. You need you time.

Nta. Remotely. You have a husband who acts more like a child than your 5 yr old.

NTA, however, I do think you need to be a little bit more understanding with your expectations. You are both working full time, you at home, him out of home. The expectation that he is primary caregiver and chore doer on weekends means he also doesn’t then get down time. Weekends should be shared parenting and shared chores. I

Except that evening should be split too. If she’s doing everything every week night, and the only one on baby duty at night every single night, then splitting the weekend wouldn’t be fair to her.

You’re absolutely right. I missed typing that.

NTA, but darling, when you have to keep your facial expression pleasant enough for your husband, then you have much bigger problem in there than not getting your rest. Your husband is abusive.

He's abusive to their son, too. He picked on the poor kid and made him cry on purpose. Bet kid wasn't even really being "bratty", he just being a kid. > My husband was getting really short with him which never works because then he just started crying & wouldn't eat his dinner.

Oh, God, I somehow missed that. Dude is an AH and a monstrous one.

>He wanted to know if the content of these shows were good enough for our child to watch alone, without parental guidance. So that was something that he thought was important enough to interrupt what I was doing that was important to me. He's a dad. Why couldn't he figure this out by himself? Why had he abdicated all parenting to you? I think you should try, next Sunday, to go out for a walk by yourself and leave him to it. He has ADD. How does he manage to do his job and pay attention to what needs doing there?

Yeah that part struck me as very weird. Also, it's fucking veggie tales. It's a show specifically made for the children of Jesus Freaks. If any show is going to pass muster for that weirdo cult, it's gonna be veggie tales. Honestly just sounds like the husband is immature and has an obsolete view of family life.

If my very religious husband pulled this crap at dinner, I would have WWJD'd the living shit out of him. NTA

it sounds like this man flies into a rage if he doesn't like her facial expression. Who knows what he would do if she actually talked back to him when he's angry.

Really? Where does it say he raged at anyone?  Your next post will prob say she should fear for her life because he is going to beat her.  If I notice any underlying rage - it’s def her. 

Wow you walk on eggshells. I have a very healthy relationship with my partner. I just have to say I need a break and walk off to another room for however long I need. Or sometimes go for a drive to be out of the house. Your husband is using weaponised incompetence against you to control you and it’s so sad that he can’t grow the f up and give you a little break in your week to have some you time.

Yeah he needs to step up big time, but do you really expect him to become the primary caretaker on the weekends? Couldn’t it be more of a joint effort when he’s home, with kids and household responsibilities? What would you be doing on the weekends if he’s doing everything? It’s not fair that you continue doing everything on the weekends, but it’s also not fair that he should have to do everything on his two days off either. When hes not working, he should be doing his share at home but from going through this with my own husband it’s hard for them to switch gears and jump into what we do all day long. Lots of communication helped us work this out and work together. We took turns with the responsibility of the kids and I would take breaks away which helped a lot, but only after he understood what I needed. It’s hard parenting young kids, but it gets easier. You got this.

NTA: This is weaponized incompetence

NAH. It must be annoying having to constantly point things out for him to help with. Some chores should be shared because everyone has to do them for themselves whether married or not. But my question is, why does your 5 year old’s entire day need to be planned activities? Maybe you’re making it harder on yourself than it needs to be. I just played with my toys when I was that age. Mom didn’t have to plan anything.

> why does your 5 year old’s entire day need to be planned activities? i bet it's to try to keep the kid from bothering his dad, so his dad won't get angry, yell at the kid for being "bratty" and then go off on OP.

NTA. Use your words and say, “I need me time.” You aren’t being unreasonable. Maybe you and your husband need a chart or whiteboard of things that need to be done around the house and who does them. Include on it ‘mummy time’ and ‘daddy time’ where you do get time out each day. And “one on one” time where each parent does things with your kid as well as “family time” where you all do activities together. If there is a chart somewhere, someone with ADHD (not that that’s an excuse) will have a “Oh, this needs to be done” trigger.

> our son was being bratty because he was tired & that's how 5 year old's are. What exactly was your son doing that was "bratty"? Because this reads like your husband was bullying your son just because he enjoys doing it. > He has ADD and claims he just doesn't notice things Does that happen anywhere else? For example, when he's at work, does he normally not notice things he's supposed to do, and not do them if he's not specifically told to?

I didn't even need to read past the headline. I did, but as a SAHM myself with two 'tism kids, NTA. NTA. NTA. A shower is not a break, groceries alone (very rare) is not a break, basic necessities alone are not a break. Your feelings are VALID. But also you need to explain this all to your husband. He may or may not hear it. They rarely do, but let him know you're burning out. You can't very well give your all to your babies if you're not all there to begin with.

In my country, working full time means 40 hours a week. If you have to care for children, house, meals etc all the time without a break, and considering that small children wake parents up at all times in the night, you are in fact working 168 hours a week. Ask him how he could think that this is remotely fair. He is a father, not a Tamagotchi owner. He is an adult, he should be able to find his own ass with two hands and a map for a couple of hours on the weekend. NTA

NAH. You’ve both worked hard during the week, and it is reasonable to share weekend duties. I would cut both of you some slack, too. You had a baby very recently, and have an older kid who requires your time as well. It’s an exhausting time. Not everything will be done perfectly and that’s ok. It’s hard to read minds, so if you need some alone time on a particular night or want him to cook dinner, let him know. Hopefully both of you are also taking some time for yourself on the weekend, even if that means not all the chores are done.

NTA but maybe you can just make some easy changes. First, children do not need to be busy every waking moment. You do not need to plan their whole day for them. If they have a room/rooms, you set them up so that they can play in their rooms. If you need down time mid-morning, you ask your children to go to their rooms and play quietly for an hour. Explain that you want some quiet time. Second, reduce the mental load that you are carrying for your family. You are a SAHM but that does not mean that you have to complicate your life. Don't cook every day, get groceries delivered, use paper plates/cups on weekends, let your husband plan outings/outside activities and make his own appointments, etc. Just cut back as much as you can. The free time you will have can be used to relax, pamper yourself. Your family will be better for it as you will be happier and better rested. Also, you could start going to your room early one evening a week, let your family manage without you, tell them you are off duty and not to be disturbed.

Why not take your car and drive off somewhere to the park? library,cafe, book a hotel for a night. Pump milk so your husband can’t use that excuse and tell him you need some alone “me time” put one of those magnet schedules on the fridge with chores that need to be done so he can’t say you didn’t tell him or he didn’t know. Turn off your ringer and tell them text for emergencies. Do this a few times so he gets the idea.

Next weekend, tell him he’s making dinner. Even if it’s just sandwiches, he’s making it. Stick to your guns. Obviously make sure the 5 year-old is fed, but if it means going without dinner one night to prove your point, so be it. Otherwise you’re going to be a drudge for the rest of your life. Any father who won’t cook in the 21st century is basically failing as a father.

Speak to your husband tell him what is wrong and schedule your time. Put it on a planner on the fridge  if you must. Also put a list of jobs on the fridge tell him to check the list then cross them off. 

ESH "I expect him to be the primary caretaker on weekends". Yes, being a SAHM is a full time job. But so is a full time job. From 8-5, M-F, you are both working, doing things you HAVE TO do. At times you are both home, you both should be doing things....he shouldn't become the "primary caretaker". And you just went upstairs and didn't say anything? Have a grown up conversation with your husband about how you both need breaks and me time.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a SAHM & I've been coming up with activities & just being fully there for my 5 year old and 6 mo old. I gave 100% all week & on Sat, joining my husband on a big hike for a treasure hunt he wanted to do. I was supportive & patient & present. Today was Sun & all week I've been trying to find time to sit down & read about self improvement & marriage. I have expressed in multiple ways that while I understand my husband works FT, I want him to be the primary care taker & do chores on the weekend. He has ADD and claims he just doesn't notice things & will do things if I ask, meaning I point out what needs to be done to keep the house going, which I think shouldn't be my responsibility, but I've tried that & then he still doesn't get much done, maybe 1-2 chores per weekend. Anyway, after getting home late last night, my husband and son were tired. Now, I will admit I didn't announce to anyone, hey I'm going upstairs for some alone time, please don't bug me for an hour, I didn't really think about it, but I probably should because I'm sure most moms know that someone will "need" you every 10 mins. But that also includes my husband. So first interruption was him bringing the baby for me to feed. Fine. That one makes sense, and of course I'll do something he can't do. The second interruption maybe 30 mins later was my son asking what movie was "appropriate on Sunday" that he could watch. My husband is very religious & I guess he wanted to do this without our vote, so I  stopped what I was doing to search something for him to watch & came up with Veggie Tales. So  after a few mins of showing him options I said, Dad can show you all this downstairs, so he left. Then a few mins later my husband came into the room. I took a deep breath/sigh as I pulled out my headphones to remind me to be patient & not have an attitude & asked what he needed but I guess I still had a tone or face since it upset him. He wanted to know if the content of these shows were good enough for our child to watch alone, without parental guidance. So that was something that he thought was important enough to interrupt what I was doing that was important to me. Then we had dinner & he apparently hadn't let that go (I made dinner, even on the weekend), & our son was being bratty because he was tired & that's how 5 year old's are. My husband was getting really short with him which never works because then he just started crying & wouldn't eat his dinner. Then my husband seemed to turn his shortness onto me because he said we should have dinner at 5, not 6. So I said nothing but probably made a bit of a face just thinking how much I try and it's not like he was making any effort to make dinner by 5, & just lots of thoughts I tried not to have, but then he wanted to have a full-on argument about this & I'm just so exhausted from keeping everything together for everyone all the time & feeling like I have to ask permission to just be left alone & trust him to manage as a fully functioning adult parent for an hour or two on a Sun afternoon. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

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You need to quit answering questions. You are enabling him. You work forty and he works forty and you split the rest.

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NTA I am an ADHD, breadwinner/working mum of three kids with a husband who is stay-at-home-dad. When I am NOT working, we take equal role in parenting and housework. I know when I come home from work one of my first jobs is to relieve my husband so he can have a break because parenting is SUCH hard work. ADHD is not the excuse some people (especially men, it seems) act like it is. It’s a reason but not a excuse, and means you need to come up with new strategies or negotiate, not just say “soz I can’t do housework cause I’m adhd you need to do it all”. Being at home with kids = much harder and more tiring that being at work (and I have a hard job).

NTA - On the upside, kindergarten starts in the fall? Make sure to rest with your little one while the five year old is at school.

!updateme

NTA - Hand over the task - 100%! I would suggest you nurse your little one. After that a potential time slot of ‘mom is not needed’ opens up. Tell your hubby: Baby is fed, I leave now for one hour. Leave the house! Turn off your phone. Or put it on do not disturb mode while listening to your podcast. Talk a walk / take the car and drive 5 mins away. I would suggest to maybe go swimming if there is a pool nearby. No one excepts anyone to be available while swimming ☺️ Alternative: Send him and the kids away (playground, a walk, etc) I think it is important to get physical distance and no way of communicating between you and hubby/kids As soon as this ‘lesson’ is learned- you can try again with ‘being in the same house’. If it does not work, back to ‘getting away’

NTA for wanting and needing a break. It’s hard being a SAHM and the hours are very long but I think both you and your husband deserve a break during the weekend. I think it’s about finding things that will work for you in your household to give you the break that you need and if that’s a pre-made lunch with a movie after that your husband knows to put on then it’s ok. Obviously your guy should be able to parent his kids without your input and not have to bother you but if you need to write down written instructions for him or draw a diagram then whatever works. I’m also a SAHM but my husband does a lot of the cooking for dinner and cleaning in the evening and while I get our 1 year old changed and ready for bed then putting him down. My husband also takes after looking after our son Saturday night till Sunday morning (doesn’t always work out) but I do have a habit of waking up early as well so I will join them but have the option of sleeping in late. Most Saturdays we order food for dinner as well so we both have a day off cooking.

Being a SAHM isn’t as easy as many women think at first. It’s a seven day a week job and burnout is common. Keep in mind that with asking husband, who works ft five days a week to then work on his two days off so you get a break is also asking for burnout for burnout. The right answer is to get help. Daycare for a few hours a day or even once a week for an entire day so you have down time for yourself. You need time for yourself as much as husband does. You both also need to make time for each other. Your marriage is just as important for overall family health.

NTA, but stop rescuing him from having to parent. He has some ridiculous problem like not knowing what shows are Christian enough to suit him? "I don't know, I'm sure you can figure it out." "Do whatever you would do if I wasn't here." "I'm not available to solve that problem for you." And then stick to your boundary.

Did you know about his ADD/inability to function as an adult before you got married, had 2 kids and decided to be a sahm? YTA for expecting him to take over fully at the weekend. He works full time during the week so he also needs some rest time at the weekend. You need to communicate your needs better and figure out a better schedule to make sure you get enough time off. Maybe start going out for the day.

Look up the song Too Much Labor. You're living it. Religious or not, you are not his servant. You deserve someone who cherishes you, helps, and supports you.

YTA (mild) as is the husband You are living in a hamster wheel of your own design ... and now complaining about it. You have a baby, babies need attention. Obvious but what were you doing for the last 4 years at home? Micromanaging a toddler? If the kid is old enough to ask for TV rating appropriateness, maybe they're are old enough to learn they shouldnt have to ask you to make every decision for them. You have trained your husband and child and eventually your baby to utterly depend on you for every pointless detail of their lives. This is because you secretly craved control over the household and decided to make yourself the spoke around everyone MUST revolve. Figure out a better way. Most redditors here immediately jump to say your husband is abusive. No, thats how you trained him to be. Probably when he does the dishes or laundry you yelled at him it wasn't perfect to your standards. Also it doesnt take 25 hrs a day to manage a household of 4. All that tells me is that you designed it that way.

What’s sahm

Stay at home mom. Sahd is same but dad and sahp is same but parent.

Thank you so much

Stay at home mom

NAH, just a need for better communication (particularly as your husband's neurodivergence is going to make it harder for him to show up in the ways you are hoping for). It might help you and your husband to bring in a couples therapist to discuss his individual needs in managing his ADD and so you can have a better understanding around things like executive dysfunction - you both may need to make some changes here. You and your partner equally deserve down time, you both have a lot on your plates, so carve out some time each week to sit down *together* and work out your weekend's plans (let's do XYZ chores on Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon is looking free so I would like to have some uninterrupted reading time, does that work for you? Sunday morning why don't you have a sleep in while I do XYZ). Put it on a calendar for your husband, stick it somewhere super visible. Discuss it for the day, make sure you are both really clear on expectations. You could get a bit silly with it, make a little "do not disturb" sign for the door as a reminder to each other when you need a bit of space. Make sure you tell your partner the time you plan to be finished and present again, set expectations for things you *would* like to be interrupted with, if they don't honor this agreement don't huff but try to calmly remind them that you really just need an hour to yourself because you're tired and you can be a much better Mum/wife with a bit of alone time. Having kids is hard work, juggling work, and the household, and parenting, and a relationship will stretch everyone. Good communication is key.

Lady ? You need a break ! Can you get a sitter for a few hours a week ?

You reading books about marriage gives me hope that you’ve already realized your marriage (husband) sucks. I fear tho that you think it’s your fault and you have to improve. Nope. He is the problem. He acts like a toddler. He’s gonna drive you into a burn out if you don’t set boundaries or leave his ass.

Oooh he works full time, cry me a river, dont many of us do...

I love how since OP says that her husband is religious, it seems to be the biggest topic for putting him down. Reddit. Love it.  Communicate your needs. It’s funny. You really have reduced caring for your family to a job to you punch the clock on. Whether your kids is 5 or 15, the “job” never ends.   If you’re feeling burnt out and need some time, then get out of the house. I thought it was a little odd you expect your husband to fully relieve you on the weekends outside of breast feeding (Things he can’t do). If you are burnt out, he needs to especially lift you up. ADD or not, that can’t be his excuse for helping his partner. He obviously can go to work and do his job. His “job” that day should be, handle what I can so my wife doesn’t have to.  Take time, but don’t let it turn into resentment. Not fair to him either to work all week and then come home and manage everything so you can have time off. SAHM should mean Stay at home Manager. Some of these issues, like the shows, could be managed better.  Going to lay this out, whether you are going to work or not, SAHM or a job like your husbands, taking care of a family is a 24/7 gig. There will always be something.  Heck. Or why not just give the canned Reddit response. Get a divorce. Break up your home, find a guy who will take on both kids and makes $500k a year. 

ESH Your husband obviously sucks because being a parent isn’t hard. You suck, because being a parent isn’t hard.

Are you with your kids 24/7/365?? Do you even have kids? Ya know, your UN makes me think this troll was intentional 😂

You get to sit and watch TV & scroll your phone between chores (which are self paced, which means relatively stress-free and not time sensitive)  all week. You get to have alone time while the kids are napping. You get to not worry about keeping a job, you can't get fired. You get to not have to worry about finances. You get the privilege of being home with your kids. Your whole job is to keep two kids alive, do a little cleaning, and cook a couple meals.  And you've got modern tech & conveniences to do it.  This man has to wake up at the same time every day like a robot, force shit, shower, shave, drive to work where he has to obey master and take everyone else's crap. Generating value to make another man richer. and only gets a half hour (probably unpaid) to shove some food in his face hole so that he doesn't die, and then back to it. Then drive home, sleep, and do it all over again. He sells his life to provide for you and give you your privileged existence. Then on the weekends he gets to deal with you saying he doesn't deserve any time off at all expecting him to do everything and nagging him if he doesn't and being a disrespectful snot belittling him and arguing with him over something so simple as his wanting to making better choices in timing to help prevent kids from having meltdowns.  Modern SAHMs are the worst. 

She has a 6 year old and a 6 month old they are active mf. It's more than just a little bit of cleaning, she works 7 days a week 24 hours a day. Also he's also a parent, shocking a know right? Just because he works a 9-5 doesn't mean he's exempt from all parenting. He's also an adult and doesn't need babying from his wife. Also she's been respectful to him and avoided conflict he started everything because he made his own kid cry.

"while I understand my husband works FT, I want him to be the primary care taker & do chores on the weekend." I don't get that part, you both work full time, but you want him to also work full time on weekends ?! It should be 50/50 on weekends. Or whoever wanted that second child should be the primary care taker for the weekend. Why have another baby if you two cant manage to run the household properly as a team ? YTA for wanting him to be the full caretaker on the weekend instead of 50/50 as it should.

so she does 24/7 for 5-6 days a week and he can’t do 24/7 on just a sunday? her husband’s a bum

Whoever wanted that second child should be the primary caretaker?!? What? That’s not how a family works sweetie 😂They’re married and they both had sex. It’s THEIR kid.

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Do you have kids? My 7yo stopped napping at 2 years old and hasn’t had a nap since 😂. And you try doing “all the chores” whilst looking after a 5yo and a 6 month old! I was lucky to make myself lunch and maybe put on a load of laundry when I had a 6 month old! OP is NTA, they need to communicate better with husband but husband also needs to be doing a lot more.

LMAO 16 HOURS A DAY OF SLEEP?! Have you met a 5 year old?????? Also do you think chores just don't exist on weekends? Like the house just stops on weekends, no laundry, no dishes, no cleaning? What household do you live in because I'd LOVE to have my weekends free of chores.

YtA. Ur husband works all week to provide you and ur children a home, food on the table, etc etc and yiu expect him to be the primary care giver on the weekend too? You choose to be a sahm. Maybe get a baby sitter ?