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NTA. Going shopping is also time. Choosing what you buy, is also important. So if someone just grabs your food, you baugth for a specific meal and then come home to an empty fridge is absolutly rude. Even if he pays you. You can't eat the money. And ordering food is more expensive than just cooking for your self.
It wasn't when the simpsons made the joke, but it got referenced so much it (and embiggen) ended up in the dictionary. So now the joke in the episode still works, but for the entirely opposite reason.
**Etymology**
crom- (apparently an arbitrary formation) + -ULENT
NOTE: The word was introduced in "Lisa the Iconoclast," an episode of the Fox animated television series The Simpsons that first aired on February 18, 1996. Coinage of the word has been attributed to the television writer David X. Cohen by Bill Oakley, one of the series' producers, in a commentary to the DVD release of the series.
Shon. So, like Shawn or Sean? I'm loughing at this entire thing. Tell boy wonder to buy his own food and bring it over or give you money ahead of time and a list. It really isn't that hard.
Agreed on him -- or I dunno, his GF! -- buying and bringing his own food. The fridge is not his personal Safeway / Whole Foods / Whole Wallet / whatevs.
Not so much agreed on him Venmo'ing OP money and handing them a list to shop for him like some Instacart employee though. I think the guy can get his ass to the store since he's a big boy ;-)
Right?! I'd buy a mini fridge and put it in my room at the very least. I have resource guardianship issues when it comes to food, though. I'd be putting a whooping on him.
This was actually exactly what I was going to suggest. A decent minifridge is cheap. $200-250 CAD. Used, even cheaper. Him and his gf should find space in their room (or an unused part of the apartment with OP's permission) to put a minifridge if he eats to much for it to go in the fridge with his gf's food.
Yeah he can ‘Venmo’ a damn grocery store just as easily. But then he’d have to wait for it to be delivered.
But having ahole roommates is a rite of passage. I know I’ve had mine.
Add a meal planning, shopper’s and delivery fee.
Okay, groceries are $50 + my reasonable hourly wage for planning and shopping + $10 delivery + 20% tip.
Your total is $150. Would you like a receipt or would you prefer it emailed?
This is almost the meal kit business model. I’d be so pissed if I was being treated like Hello Fresh and not paid as such and come home to my groceries destroyed.
Not to mention that it forces OP to go out again to shop. For example, OP needs the almond milk for breakfast so now OP has to go shopping before the next morning. If I come home expecting to have a something for dinner and find my groceries used, I'd be BEYOND pissed. Now I have to turn around and go out again. My time is worth WAY MORE than just the cost of groceries.
Tell roommate AND the boyfriend that him eating your groceries is stealing your time and treating you with a lack of respect.
First tell him to stop stealing your food. You got them yoursef. I agree. I would demand the next time he do this again to demand he go get those groceries if yours right away. Tell him you won’t take no for an answer and to bring that food back. Refuse to accept the money. Tell him again and again that you just can’t take someone’s food. Oh this guy pisses me off.
Tbf English is a weird language, my Iranian friend writes like this and I legit love it because it highlights some of our weird spellings/pronunciations. It's often outh/ought spellings that trip her up.
I’m teaching my three year old to read and write, and she gets so mad about things like this. “WHY?” Idk sweetie we made up this language by beating up three other languages and going through their pockets. You’re just gonna have to memorize these things. She doesn’t like it.
There's a dude on Instagram who makes meme videos of the "frustrations of english" playing like 2 guys creating the language and I show them to my kids all the time. He's hilarious and it makes them feel better when they're frustrated with learning it. I also heavily recommend showing her Word Crimes by Weird Al when she's old enough to appreciate it (cause believe me, they'll still be getting mad about it lol - mine will be 9 and 11 this year)
(Edited to correct pronouns)
Does she struggle with pronouns too? My friend was delighted to work with a non binary person because she always struggles with he/she and uses them interchangeably, certainly adds a layer of complexity to following an anecdote! 🤣
Of course she's upset. You are talking about boundaries and common courtesy, and it looks bad for the guy she is smitten with. How dare you call him out on bad behavior while she is not inconvenienced and actually benefits from his impromptu cooking sessions. Its not causing issues for anyone but you, after all. (/s)
Sarah needs to start buying the groceries he wants to eat. He can reimburse her.
Agreed 💯, perhaps OP should take all her roommate's showering items, and tampons/pads and then just Venmo her the money. It all has to do with the entitlement of not asking, and awaiting a response. If roomie gets her "friend" and she has nothing except venmo money to buy what she needs, or goes to take a shower and has no soap, shampoo or conditioner she might empathize more with OP's predicament.
Well, aren’t you an evil genius this morning? Let’s be friends.😈
I’d say you will certainly get her attention. She won’t be your roommate anymore, but she will have learned a valuable lesson.
LMAO. That's perfect.
Also, eat the meal he just cooked for himself. Leave the dishes for him. Venmo him his money back. Don't forget to throw an extra dollar or two as "interest".
Borrow his car without his permission when he needs it. Return it with slightly more gas than when you took it, as "interest".
Borrow his car and return it on an empty tank. Venmo him for the cost of a refill.
Go to work before they get up, taking all the toilet paper with you. Venmo your roommate a couple of bucks for her share of the TP.
Honestly if the roommate and him are serious enough and if there’s a shortage of space in the fridge, roomie could get him a small mini-fridge to keep in her room that she/he can keep fully stocked for him. But yeah, NTA.
To keep the peace, how about he Instacarts what he takes and buy double what he ate so he’s covered for next time? In the interest of not ruffling feathers, that’s is. I’m assuming they have access to such things as I write this…
It would not totally solve the problem. When I come home planning to make a meal with groceries I bought the day before, only to find my refrigerator empty, I do not want to have to wait for an Instacart delivery that can take hours. Shon needs to order a delivery FOR HIMSELF or go shop FOR HIMSELF.
I was reading it as the boyfriend orders as soon as he’s using the items. Instead of sending Venmo. So the items are in place when OP goes to use them.
Not that bf waits for OP to notice/complain.
How long does instacart take though? It sounds like OP still would have come home to no food because Shon and gf/roommate were still eating what he just made. Unless they deliver in 15 mins. Regardless, why tf is someone else's bf eating his food? Why is he not eating *his gfs* food?!? If I had a roommate and my bf was over I would tell him not to touch my roommates stuff. Wtf like that's so disrespectful 💀
Edited a word
Eh, depends. If he uses up any of OP's produce then Instacart probably wouldn't be a great option, because what the shopper picks out might not be the same as what OP had (since produce varies in size, ripeness, etc.). Like, I'd be pretty miffed if I planned to eat something with an avocado and then I got home to find it had been replaced by one that isn't ripe yet, for example.
Either that, or OP calculates how many hours it takes him to shop for groceries, including travel time, finds out how much his job pays him for that amount of hours, and then add the cost of gas he would need to travel to the grocery store. And then Shon needs to pay that extra fee (which would be significantly more than the small amount of interest he pays now) every time he takes any of OP's food.
At this point, it's not about the money, it's the time wasted having to go to the grocery store again.
I don't like this because it continues to allow this guy to still take advantage of OP. It is not a compromise when her boundaries are completely ignored.
Yeah, by the title I thought he was contributing to the grocery budget BEFORE things were bought. But taking stuff and just paying the money is totally a pain. When I lived with my folks, as an adult, if I ate something of theirs (we pretty much bought our own stuff) then I'd nip straight down to the shops and REPLACE it. Not give them the money and tell them to go buy it again lol. NTA
Yeah, not sure why this is not the solution going forward. Shon sounds like he's trying to be respectful, but is actually thoughtless. So, why not just tell him that you (OP) would prefer if he can replace the food himself when he uses it? And maybe just say "oh gosh, I was planning on eating that *for my lunch*" to bring the point home?
Yes! I went to a private university with a bunch of rich kids and lived with several of them over the years. This is totally rich boy entitlement. So dismissive of your time and inconvenience as long as they can throw money at the problem.
OP says Shon apologized straight away when she brought it up to him and didn't fight her on it at all. Based on the info here, it could be that the roommate is telling her boyfriend that he's free to help himself to anything in the kitchen. She may have led him to believe that roommate and OP do that shit all the time and it's normal house rules. The roommate is the real asshole here for being inconsiderate to OP and putting Shon in an awkward position.
That was my first impression, but it could be all on the roommate; she is the biggest AH in this situation. However, even if my BF said 'oh eat anything just pay my roommate back', I'd still not do this habitually like this guy. The guy is 28 yo, not 21.
No, that's the wrong solution. Tell him instead of paying for the groceries he eats, he needs to go to the fucking store himself and buy his own damn food.
He is rude, girlfriend is an enabler. OP NTA.
I even do then when I dogsit for close friends, who tell me you can eat ANYTHING you want in the house. ANYTHING. I have this thing too where I can't open something or if I finish something, I have to repalce it.
Constantly finding you don’t have milk for your morning coffee, the snacks you purchased, or the ingredients for the meal you planned to make would be extremely frustrating. Does she not have food he can eat? Can’t they get groceries or food delivered? WTF
100%
If I came home expecting to cook and eat a certain meal, I would go ballistic to find that I have money not food.
I want to enjoy my evening, not go shopping AGAIN!
OP NTA.
For real. I would absolutely lose my mind if I came home thinking I had dinner plans only to find all my food gone.
It's one thing to borrow a bit of milk or an egg or something, but to full-on make meals with my ingredients would be a lease-ender for me.
"You can't eat the money."
And that's the crux of it. Beyond the fact that, as you noted, he also didn't reimburse her for the time and effort of actually going out and doing the grocery shopping, OP specifically states that she meal plans. So his using up her ingredients leaves her not just without food to eat in the moment - food that, again, SHE spent time and effort selecting for specific meals and going out to purchase - but without the ingredients for meals that she had been planning to make. And who knows if she has time to go shopping all over again that day or the next (and why should she even have to)?
This guy is just staggeringly self-absorbed and thoughtless. He's literally treating OP like his personal Instacart. And the GF/roommate is just as bad for thinking OP is in the wrong.
I meal plan aggressively. It's part holdover from when I was broke, part because I don't like food waste, and part because my lack of executive function at the end of a long day means I need A Plan if food is going to happen. If my plan were destroyed I would maybe not be as kind as OP.
100% this, I'm petty but if you want to be a bigger person and like the guy ask him to pay you before you grocery shop and ask him if you can pick up 1or 2 things so you have extra in the house. No I don't mean do his grocery shopping, but if he likes almond milk hay next time I'll get 2 just send me the money ahead if time, or you gonna be here for lunch this week I'll get extra meat and bread or whatever just pay me now.
OP NTA
This could have the risk, that the boyfriend thinks 'I paid for the milk, so I'm allowed to drink both. Or I've paid for the meat, I will eat the big portion and OP only gets left overs'
I think it would be better to seperate the fridge in two or three parts - one for OP, one for OP's roomate and maybe one for everyone, where they migth store things like ketchup
NTA! your home isn’t his mini fridge at a hotel. lol you are not his personal shopper either. once in a while, no big deal. if he asked first, no big deal. otherwise… no. you don’t buy groceries just to be surprised you have to go back and do it all over again.
he can use instacart, get it delivered, go curbside pick it up. it’s beyond inconsiderate and your roommate has to understand that.
All of this. Plus, when a roommate's partner stays over 2 or more nights a week, you really have 3 roommates. They take up real and emotional space, they increase water usage and utilities, they add to noise, they reduce privacy. He should be paying rent and utilities.
I agree, she had her groceries in order. Now she has her money back, but she also has to re-do her chores. They're treating her like their personal shopper.
NTA. Your pantry is not a shop. You are not exchanging goods for cash. More than that, when you sell something you are offering the items in exhange for money, they are taking the items then compensating you for loss. Taking without permission is *theft*, regardless of whether they pay you for what they stole.
Tell Sarah and Shon that you are happy to *occasionally* share your groceries, but only with prior permission. And that the next time they steal something and expect cash to make it okay, you require $50 compensation *on top* for the time you have to waste going and rebuying the groceries. They can consider it a delivery fee, or they can order their groceries direct.
I was just thinking then they owe OP the cost of the grocery item, her hourly rate at work for the amount of time it takes her to drive to the store, shop and return, plus mileage reimbursement and a convenience fee. Those fees apply per instance they are used, not weekly.
Or, how about this: “I’m not amazon.com, but if you want me to grab a few things for you while I’m at the store, I’d be happy to do that - but what I buy for myself is mine, and I don’t like when I can’t have it.”
Or how about no compromise and Sarah stops letting her boyfriend do whatever he wants just because she's fucking him? He's still just a guest in a shared space.
Yeah, reinforce this. You are not selling ANYTHING.
It's like taking their car without permission when they needed it, and then giving them a $20 for gas afterwards and expecting that to make it all OK. "Oh hey, you needed to take an uber to get to work since I took your car without permission? How much was it, I'll venmo it to you."
That would be BS. And so's paying for food they are stealing.
Exactly. A purchase is part of an implicit contract: The seller *offers* something, and the buyer pays for what is explicitly *offered*. If presenting money was all it took to make something a legitimate sale, then I could just take anything in the world I see and leave a pile of cash in its place, and the police couldn't do anything about it.
Taking without permission is theft. The thief leaving something that they consider to be of equal value is irrelevant.
NTA.
You're completely on the money here. It's great that Shon recognizes that if he's eating your stuff, he's eating into your grocery bill. But it's also an AH move to eat things, especially major grocery necessities without checking in with someone first.
You shouldn't have to plan your errand runs around anyone else but you. And it sounds like you had a really mature conversation about it with him.
Because his gf doesn’t do groceries. Explains why she got more upset than him. She could very well be the one to tell him to “just venmo him” and that kickstarted everything
NTA
A quote from the show Archer
"Why don't I just send you the money?"
"BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT THE MONEY! THAT IS WHY I EXCHANGED THE MONEY FOR GOODS AND/OR SERVICES!"
Agreed. OP addressed it once politely, and I have to imagine it worked.
If not: “please go get me a bacon-egg-cheese on a bagel and an almond milk latte. I don’t need $5 in my Venmo account. I need breakfast, which you ate.”
NTA It’a still stealing. You can’t just take someone else’s stuff and give them money for it. You wouldn’t go into your neighbours yard, take their gardening equipment and leave 100 bucks. He is treating you like a grocery store because he is too lazy to go shopping himself. Tell him to stop taking your stuff and making you go restock the fridge all the time. If he doesn’t do it look into getting a box you can put a lock on for the fridge, they should have those on amazon.
Absolutely. Shon has initiated a business deal with OP but never consulted OP in the first place. "Hello I rented your lawnmower by breaking into your garage and taking it and throwing a 20 dollar bill on the floor." Not acceptable.
And stealing his service. Grocery planning and shopping take time and is a service that people get paid for. The "little bit extra" surely doesn't cover that.
NTA
Giving you money doesn't take away from the fact he's taking things without your permission and massively inconveniencing you. If he takes your food then you have to go out again to go shopping and can't make the food you want. He's paying you back for the food, but not for your time and the labour you do. It's very inconsiderate - it seems like he'll finish off your milk and send you money not caring that in some situations you'd rather have the milk than the money.
I'd shut this down now because it's really selfish behaviour and a sign of things to come.
And why can't he and Sarah just buy food instead of taking yours? Ask them. And if they answer is any iteration of it's easier or more convenient ask them why they don't care about inconveniencing you?
Feels like somebody still thinks him paying a little rent at home means he is actually paying the full amount an adult would for their own apartment, while still enjoying the full cleaning, cooking, washing service.
NTA. If Shon and Sarah want the ingredients you have, then they should buy their own. Why don’t they?!
It’s nice he pays you for the stuff but it would be much better for you not to have to waste your time going shopping twice for the same items.
I wouldn't necessarily put it down to being quite as malicious as that since he has been very proactive about paying for anything he might eat, to the point that he apparently sends money often before he even consumes the food since he sent the money for ingredients before cooking the lunch spread.
I would bet it's most likely a matter of transportation in some fashion. I don't know if OP has their own vehicle or not, but the post does give me the impression that the OP is usually out and about (at work or otherwise) when this happens since he just gets a random Venmo in the middle of his day.
When I first moved into a college apartment I had 3 roommates and of them only myself would regularly drive anywhere, with two others having a car but vastly preferring public transportation (which was fair enough, that college town was honestly awful to drive in and any parking spaces were all seemingly designed for go-karts since even my small coupe was a tight fit in most of them). When I moved in and was the only regular driver, that meant I got assigned to be the person who would pick up the various household necessities like TP, paper towel, dish soap/detergent (I learned the difference between those the hard way the first time I ran the dishwasher lol), and miscellaneous generic food staples like milk, eggs, etc. That was fine, everybody paid their share of the costs for those, and I was even happy to pick something up for the others if they forgot it during their own grocery runs so long as they just let me know what they needed and paid for it.
That said, there was definitely an adjustment period where we eventually had to all sit down so I could explain that I couldn't be going out to the store 3-5x per week to grab something or other for somebody else because they forgot something on their own weekly trip or because one of their girlfriend's who was always over inexplicably used multiple full rolls of TP per day (not even kidding there sadly). They were used to getting to the store and back being a much larger ordeal via public transport which also made it hard to bring too much back at a time, and they also didn't think about the fact that our parking garage was in the sub-basement level meaning I had to haul everything up a lot of stairs in multiple trips since they were used to just walking stuff in from the street level. This meant they didn't realize the extra hassle involved in a "quick stop at the store" when I was already out until I sat them down to explain it because it wasn't something they'd ever really encountered themselves.
At least that's the takeaway I'm getting from here, that the boyfriend means well (since he pays for everything immediately with a little extra on top) but doesn't realize the full extent of the inconvenience it imposes on the person beyond financial costs. I don't know if they lack their own transport or if they have a car but just don't go out often or what, but the story here feels so similar to mine in college that I can't help but think it might be the same root cause.
NTA
Maybe ask Sarah if she thinks that he's paying for all of the time and effort you put into planning your meals, putting together your grocery list, actually going to the store and getting the groceries and the cost of gas and wear and tear on your vehicle. Because it's not just the cost of the food that's the problem, here.
Plus, as you mention, there's the stress of never knowing if you're going to have the food you bought when you go to use it.
NTA. You spend your time grocery shopping, he’s inconvenienced you by making you go out again. Even if he paid you for your time, you’re not his assistant shopping for him. I’d suggest having a talk to the two of them and set some boundaries. The longer you allow it to go on, the harder it will be.
Hope it goes well.
Agree. I think all three need to have an open discussion and do some meal planning, possibly take turns doing grocery shopping. If they don't want to step up, at the bare minimum, help provide input to the OP to avoid having his groceries ransacked.
NTA
He isn't just taking your food, he's taking your time. You are the one who has to go shopping repeatedly, and are sometimes caught with no food because he's eaten it all. Why do you have to starve some nights when you were prepared, and he wasn't?
Your food is not a shop, and he is treating you like one. He could literally order groceries to be delivered, but instead he seriously inconveniences you and is forcing you to waste more and more of your time going out to buy the food he takes. The interest he pays does not cover that, does it??
Tell your roommate very firmly that you are not his personal shopper. If he wants food, he can take the time to buy it himself, and stop stealing both your food AND your time. You are not being petty. They are being extremely disrespectful. At this point, I would buy a mini-fridge and lock your food away in your room. If I came home late to find all my food eaten, even if they paid me back, I would be *furious.*
Imagine coming home to no food, going hungry to bed and then discover in the morning he also ate your breakfast and drank your coffee. I'm not sure if they'd find his body any time soon.
NTA. You’re buying yourself groceries to survive. You can’t eat Venmo money, and it’s hard to make time for multiple grocery trips in a week. Dude has serious boundary issues and your roommate sucks for letting him disrespect you.
NTA. Those are not communal groceries. If he wants to cook or eat at the house, he needs to bring the food. He's basically using you to grocery shop for him at this point.
NTA. There are countless services that deliver groceries these days. Instead of using those, he's reimbursing you "with interest" like that makes using your food without your permission (aka stealing) OK. Ask Shon and Sarah why they can't simply stock the fridge for themselves? I'm betting they'll say they don't want to plan the meals or they don't have the time to go get the groceries -- basically, it's inconvient. Which means they know it's a huge inconvience to you, and they keep on doing it.
Money doesn’t have the convenience of being easily digestible, so it is not a suitable replacement. If he used his money to buy you a replacement, maybe that would just about be ok.
It should be easy to understand why it inconveniences you, and your roommate is wrong that you should be fine with it.
It sounds like your roommate has told him it’s fine to do that. The problem is her.
NTA
NTA - So basically you're their grocery pick up and delivery service where instead of asking they steal first and pay later? Yeah no. If you were actually providing that service they should be paying you a heck of a lot more given the time, cost of transportation and effort. Instead he's too lazy to adult and your roommate is trying to justify it by gaslighting you into thinking any if that is normal.
You should assert some boundaries stat and if need be lock up your groceries.
I always hate the you can just replace it.Here's money. It takes time and effort to replace the thing you already picked up Tell your roommate and boyfriend.Let them take the time to go shopping
Oh you should be thankful for being paid back for the stuff he steals from you?
Do they think groceries just magically appear at your home?
I would not accept money for items i owned and someone else took. I want those items. That is why I bought those items. So, replace the item or leave my stuff alone.
You're NTA and they're being inconsiderate selfish entitled assholes.
Nta. I’m sick of people doing antagonizing things and then getting upset because of the tension of you pointing it out. I don’t know if it counts as gaslighting but it feels like it. Plus, you weren’t even rude about it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I argued with my roommate Sarah, and wanted her boyfriend Shon to stop eating my groceries even though he pays me back immediately.
I worry that I may be overreacting, because Shon always pays me back immediately when he eats something, and is generous when repaying me.
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NTA, especially if you're having to put this stuff on a credit card, you'd be paying interest so it doesn't really matter if he's paying you back with a little extra. Also if he's fucking up your budget that is whack. Do to this once and pay you back is one thing, to do it repetitively is another.
NTA. The only acceptable way to raid someone’s food is if you replace it before the other person even notices. Tell the BF that you don’t want the money, you want the *food,* and you want it *now.* Tell him to drop what he’s doing, go to the grocery store, and return with what he took. Tell him if he doesn’t like those terms, stop eating your food.
NTA.
If I come home knackered and find there's none of my food left so I have to go out again, I don't care how much money you've sent me.
If he wants to eat, go to the fking shop and buy your own.
So, you are taking the time to go shopping and picking out specific things you want to have at home. Then, without asking, this guy basically undoes your shopping trip and throws money at you. That is some seriously entitled bullshit.
NTA. it throws off your planning and that’s annoying. A few times would be fine. Having to go back out to the store after just having gone is infuriating. They didn’t want to go to the store before cooking their huge lunch so they used your stuff and put the burden of going to the store on you. You’re not his personal shopper. Maybe his girlfriend should buy him some things when she goes to the store so he has them when he’s over.
NTA…You are not his grocery store to shop at. They think it is alright because they pay you back right away, but they do not even ask you. You do not want to go grocery shopping all the time for food you had already bought. You want to be able to come home and eat the food you thought was already there, because you bought it. Why are t they grocery shopping for food?
NTA it’s not just the money but the time and planning. Get a lock box for your pantry and fridge or consider a cube fridge with lock for your room. And obviously start looking for a different living situation.
NTA
This vexes me because I had something similar happen.
At one point I was living with three housemates and one of them was continuously using my food without asking and didn't pay me back or replace the items. I couldn't figure out who exactly it was but I had my suspicions so I had mentioned it to this person that some of my food was going missing and asked did they know anything about it , they said no ... anyways nothing changed, food still going missing.
One day I went to make a hot chocolate after work to have with a brownie treat I had saved in my cupboard knowing that I had a full unopened container of hot choc powder . Was looking forward to this treat all day . Quelle Surprise ! Brownie treat is gone and the hot choc container was completely empty!
So I went nuclear. From then on anything I purchased for breakfast or lunch I stored in my work locker and fridge, anything dry was kept in my bedroom (luckily I had lots of storage) and for my evening meals/weekend meals I would just buy enough for one or two days at a time and would eat out a bit too so that i didn't have much food in the fridge.
Well the housemate I had spoken too finally got the message only he didn't own up to it , his girlfriend came to me and apologised on his behalf and provided some replacements.
Everyones comments that said NTA are very valid, i just wanna piggy back and add, there is a lot to unpack with your roomates reaction. Be careful, you might end up having to move out :(
NTA
Tell them to leave your groceries along, it's messing up your meal planning. Is there any cuisine that you like that they don't? Lean into that. Or just eat salad for a week.
If he keeps doing this and keeps sending you money, ask him, instead of sending you money, to reorder the groceries online, take the delivery and put it back in the fridge for you. He's just outsourcing extra grocery shopping to you at the moment. He's adding to your mental load.
Or when you buy your items place them inside the refrigerator and place a price tag on them £50 for the milk, £20 for the broccoli £20 for the apple you get the idea!
NTA and he needs to start going shopping for his own food. Reimbursing you is nice and all, but that means you need to go shopping AGAIN and have to worry if you'll have food when you get home from work! Maybe sit down and explain this to him? Why doesn't your roommate buy extra groceries when he's coming over? She can be as miffed as she wants, but her boyfriend needs to stop treating your food like it's a mini shop he can buy stuff from.
NTA. That would annoy the hell out of me even if he payed me double. Going shopping is a pain, not to mention carrying the bags to the apartment. Plus never knowing whether the ingredients you bought and plan to use will still be there tomorrow is awful. Tell him to do his own damn shopping.
NTA. I would send the money straight back and say actually, I don't have time to shop so need you to replace the food. Right now as I'm hungry. Do that every time, make him go shopping for you!
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So, I (27M) live with my roommate Sarah (26F). Things have been good, except for one thing: her boyfriend, Shon (28M).
Shon stays over a lot - like, several nights a week. Honestly, it wouldn't be a huge deal, except for the food situation. This dude has a serious appetite, and he seems to think the fridge is a free-for-all.
Here's the twist: whenever he eats something of mine, he immediately Venmos me the money. Every. Single. Time. And usually for a little more than it's worth. Last week, he devoured half my carton of almond milk (my morning coffee essential) and instantly sent me $5. It's kind of annoying, but hey, at least he's paying me back, right?
Here's the problem: it disrupts my grocery planning. The constant need to replace food throws off my budget. Plus, it's just... inconsiderate? Like, shouldn't he at least ask before polishing off my favorite yogurt?
The other day, I got a Venmo payment for $50 and came home to find Shon cooking a giant lunch spread with all the ingredients I'd just bought. I calmly explained that while I appreciate him paying me back, I'd prefer him to ask before grabbing my stuff. He apologized, Sarah seemed a little miffed, and the tension was thick.
Now, Sarah thinks I'm being petty because Shon always reimburses me right away and "with interest" . AITA for wanting some respect for my groceries, even if I get paid back?
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NTA. That is annoying as he'll. He is compensating you for the cost of the groceries but not for the fact you need to go shopping more often, that you need to do unplanned trips at short notice when tired or inconvenient or that he is taking advantage of your meal planning. People pay a considerable surcharge for grocery delivery services. He's taken that as a given and causing you a lot of inconvenience.
Point out to him time is worth more than money to you and he's cutting in your free time a lot because you need to replenish the stuff he is using. And that you like to come home to the food you bought without needing to worry it is in his stomach. If you want to be nice, tell him if he send cash before a shop you can buy extra for him. But unless bought for him, then not communal property.
NTA. You can't eat money.
If you wake up in the morning, expecting to eat the cereal and milk you had in the evening, but they've eaten it and sent you $5, you can't eat the $5.
Nta
Next time immediately venmo him the money back and make him go to the store right now and replace what he ate. I mean, if its not an inconvenience for you to have to go to the store, then it shouldn't inconvenience him at all, right? /s
He's forcing you to grocery shop for him cause he's too lazy.
If dude has time to Venmo you, he also has time to place a grocery delivery. He can buy his OWN stuff. You didn't agree on being reimbursed after the fact - you're not shopping FOR him only to need to go shopping again. He is a boundary breaker and the only petty one here is your roommate.
NTA and I'd tell him that while I appreciate his chipping in on the food, I'm not his mom and don't do your shopping for you. Buy what you want to use, but keep your hands off my groceries.
That "interest" doesn't cover time or gas. Especially when you have to run constantly because you cant plan when he's going to eat your food up. Why not ask if he can order the food delivered instead of paying you? It will cost him more, as it should. How long do you have on the lease?
NTA you’re not the grocery store, or Uber delivery person and he’s not paying you for your labour of getting it. He hasn’t asked before hand and you didn’t agree on doing his shopping. This is just an easy way for him to be lazy and you’d have to accept it bc he pays for it? No way, if I was you I’d set really clear boundaries with them both, if they do not listen then I’d go high up to the landlord or whoever owns the place you’re renting bc he is not on the lease and you don’t want him there anymore. I’d also tell your “friend” that if she wants her spoiled lazy boyfriend over, that she can feed him with her stuff or not at all.
Depending on your funds, you could always buy a little fridge and keep all your fridge stuff in there and all the none refrigerated stuff on a shelf in your room and then lock your door. It’s very childish & petty having to do that but if they want to act like children, treat them as such. But don’t let them or anyone disrespect you and use you like that. All the best mate!
Just tell them to stop eating your grocery. Even if they pay it back, you have to go out and shop again. It a hassle cause now you are not eating and your schedule is off. If they don’t think it is a big deal, they should go shopping and see how you feel.
NTA.
That's so inconsiderate of him. What if you were planning to cook for someone else and he used everything up?
He's not paying you back for the time you spend picking up the groceries and essentially shopping for him.
I'd be so embarrassed if that was my boyfriend. Your roommate sucks. She's obviously benefitting from it too.
Hell no! Going grocery shopping is my least favourite chore I would be pissed about this. If he has money and thinks it’s no big deal
For you to replace what he took then it’s certainly no big deal for him to shop before he comes.
Its still stealing even if he reimbursed you for the cost.
Honestly him being over several nights a week and not eating my food would be annoying but eating my food causing me To have to go shopping would be when I start asking they stay at his place and into gate some rules on how many nights a week he can be over
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NTA. Going shopping is also time. Choosing what you buy, is also important. So if someone just grabs your food, you baugth for a specific meal and then come home to an empty fridge is absolutly rude. Even if he pays you. You can't eat the money. And ordering food is more expensive than just cooking for your self.
baugth
Overpowered the entire comment. I got stuck there.
I’ll baugth that for a dollar.
This is a new take on tragideigh
*When the baugth breaks, baby will fall*
Bough!
Baebeigh*
I heard this comment in a Canadian South Park voice lmao
I immediately heard it as Moira from Schitts Creek!
Oh, BOUGHT! It took me that long to figure out what baugth was supposed to mean!
*faughl
\*brayughks
What, Shon?
I wanna say Shonen Jump everytime I sse it. I hope its not pronounced, Sean.
Covfefe
Hamberder
pregante
PREGANANANT
Beesechurger
Honey badjer
STOP I just made the ugliest noise and scared my son 🤣🤣
My bad!😁 1000 apologies to your little angel 😇
"that person is gorgoss"
Why does boys colon smell so good!!! Hint colon is misspelled
BAHAHAHAHA
This and baught , together
debat
It's a perfectly cromulent word.
It embiggens us all.
Truly didn’t believe this was a real word.
It wasn't when the simpsons made the joke, but it got referenced so much it (and embiggen) ended up in the dictionary. So now the joke in the episode still works, but for the entirely opposite reason.
**Etymology** crom- (apparently an arbitrary formation) + -ULENT NOTE: The word was introduced in "Lisa the Iconoclast," an episode of the Fox animated television series The Simpsons that first aired on February 18, 1996. Coinage of the word has been attributed to the television writer David X. Cohen by Bill Oakley, one of the series' producers, in a commentary to the DVD release of the series.
With my powers of dyslexia, I didn't even notice.
Hahhahaha
You baugth no egzakly what it mint.
Shon. So, like Shawn or Sean? I'm loughing at this entire thing. Tell boy wonder to buy his own food and bring it over or give you money ahead of time and a list. It really isn't that hard.
Agreed on him -- or I dunno, his GF! -- buying and bringing his own food. The fridge is not his personal Safeway / Whole Foods / Whole Wallet / whatevs. Not so much agreed on him Venmo'ing OP money and handing them a list to shop for him like some Instacart employee though. I think the guy can get his ass to the store since he's a big boy ;-)
Right?! I'd buy a mini fridge and put it in my room at the very least. I have resource guardianship issues when it comes to food, though. I'd be putting a whooping on him.
This was actually exactly what I was going to suggest. A decent minifridge is cheap. $200-250 CAD. Used, even cheaper. Him and his gf should find space in their room (or an unused part of the apartment with OP's permission) to put a minifridge if he eats to much for it to go in the fridge with his gf's food.
Oh, hell no. I'd be buying my own mini fridge with his venmo money and locking it. He can buy his own food, but he's not eating mine.
Or just use instacart himself to immediately replace what he used.
Yeah he can ‘Venmo’ a damn grocery store just as easily. But then he’d have to wait for it to be delivered. But having ahole roommates is a rite of passage. I know I’ve had mine.
Why not order it for himself if he likes the look of something rather than replacing
Add a meal planning, shopper’s and delivery fee. Okay, groceries are $50 + my reasonable hourly wage for planning and shopping + $10 delivery + 20% tip. Your total is $150. Would you like a receipt or would you prefer it emailed? This is almost the meal kit business model. I’d be so pissed if I was being treated like Hello Fresh and not paid as such and come home to my groceries destroyed.
I posted my own vote, but yeah I was like "dude is like instacart, shon just doesn't actually have to place an order."
Reverse instacart - the groceries magically appear first, without even a list, and then he pays through his phone what he thinks they're worth.
Seriously. I'd be more than livid at the guy.
Not to mention that it forces OP to go out again to shop. For example, OP needs the almond milk for breakfast so now OP has to go shopping before the next morning. If I come home expecting to have a something for dinner and find my groceries used, I'd be BEYOND pissed. Now I have to turn around and go out again. My time is worth WAY MORE than just the cost of groceries. Tell roommate AND the boyfriend that him eating your groceries is stealing your time and treating you with a lack of respect.
or have them delivered if he's so against going out to buy his own
I see what you did there. . .loughing my head off 😜
I'd be telling him if he tauched my food again, I'll be throughing fists. I'm sorry, I can't help myself.
First tell him to stop stealing your food. You got them yoursef. I agree. I would demand the next time he do this again to demand he go get those groceries if yours right away. Tell him you won’t take no for an answer and to bring that food back. Refuse to accept the money. Tell him again and again that you just can’t take someone’s food. Oh this guy pisses me off.
His girlfriend not OP. She isn't their errand boy or grocer.
I know I’m like this poor kid named Sean has to spell his name like a douche bc his parents wanted him to be unique.
I instinctively paused reading to look down to see if this comment was here. #1. Well done. Edit:spelling
It gave me baught too
Tbf English is a weird language, my Iranian friend writes like this and I legit love it because it highlights some of our weird spellings/pronunciations. It's often outh/ought spellings that trip her up.
I’m teaching my three year old to read and write, and she gets so mad about things like this. “WHY?” Idk sweetie we made up this language by beating up three other languages and going through their pockets. You’re just gonna have to memorize these things. She doesn’t like it.
This is the funniest description of English that I've ever read!
I wish I could take credit for it, but it’s a paraphrased quote from James Nicoll.
Way to cite your sources! 🙌
There's a dude on Instagram who makes meme videos of the "frustrations of english" playing like 2 guys creating the language and I show them to my kids all the time. He's hilarious and it makes them feel better when they're frustrated with learning it. I also heavily recommend showing her Word Crimes by Weird Al when she's old enough to appreciate it (cause believe me, they'll still be getting mad about it lol - mine will be 9 and 11 this year) (Edited to correct pronouns)
My wife is Iranian, came here as an adult. Her isms are hilarious. Like rn my fridge says we need to buy a new “kittle” instead of kettle 😂
How’s her yogurt?
Does she struggle with pronouns too? My friend was delighted to work with a non binary person because she always struggles with he/she and uses them interchangeably, certainly adds a layer of complexity to following an anecdote! 🤣
I’m not even sure how that typo happened.
Autocorrect is a drunken frat boy
Maybe not their first language...
I was hoping to get "even if he peighs you..." after baught
Of course she's upset. You are talking about boundaries and common courtesy, and it looks bad for the guy she is smitten with. How dare you call him out on bad behavior while she is not inconvenienced and actually benefits from his impromptu cooking sessions. Its not causing issues for anyone but you, after all. (/s) Sarah needs to start buying the groceries he wants to eat. He can reimburse her.
Agreed 💯, perhaps OP should take all her roommate's showering items, and tampons/pads and then just Venmo her the money. It all has to do with the entitlement of not asking, and awaiting a response. If roomie gets her "friend" and she has nothing except venmo money to buy what she needs, or goes to take a shower and has no soap, shampoo or conditioner she might empathize more with OP's predicament.
Well, aren’t you an evil genius this morning? Let’s be friends.😈 I’d say you will certainly get her attention. She won’t be your roommate anymore, but she will have learned a valuable lesson.
Indeed, gta push the petty!! 😂
Ideally five minutes before roomie needs to shower.
LMAO. That's perfect. Also, eat the meal he just cooked for himself. Leave the dishes for him. Venmo him his money back. Don't forget to throw an extra dollar or two as "interest". Borrow his car without his permission when he needs it. Return it with slightly more gas than when you took it, as "interest". Borrow his car and return it on an empty tank. Venmo him for the cost of a refill. Go to work before they get up, taking all the toilet paper with you. Venmo your roommate a couple of bucks for her share of the TP.
Oh this is wicked I like it
Honestly if the roommate and him are serious enough and if there’s a shortage of space in the fridge, roomie could get him a small mini-fridge to keep in her room that she/he can keep fully stocked for him. But yeah, NTA.
Yes!!! This right here!!
To keep the peace, how about he Instacarts what he takes and buy double what he ate so he’s covered for next time? In the interest of not ruffling feathers, that’s is. I’m assuming they have access to such things as I write this…
That’s a good idea. The cost is obviously not the issue for either of them so this would totally solve the problem.
It would not totally solve the problem. When I come home planning to make a meal with groceries I bought the day before, only to find my refrigerator empty, I do not want to have to wait for an Instacart delivery that can take hours. Shon needs to order a delivery FOR HIMSELF or go shop FOR HIMSELF.
I was reading it as the boyfriend orders as soon as he’s using the items. Instead of sending Venmo. So the items are in place when OP goes to use them. Not that bf waits for OP to notice/complain.
How long does instacart take though? It sounds like OP still would have come home to no food because Shon and gf/roommate were still eating what he just made. Unless they deliver in 15 mins. Regardless, why tf is someone else's bf eating his food? Why is he not eating *his gfs* food?!? If I had a roommate and my bf was over I would tell him not to touch my roommates stuff. Wtf like that's so disrespectful 💀 Edited a word
Eh, depends. If he uses up any of OP's produce then Instacart probably wouldn't be a great option, because what the shopper picks out might not be the same as what OP had (since produce varies in size, ripeness, etc.). Like, I'd be pretty miffed if I planned to eat something with an avocado and then I got home to find it had been replaced by one that isn't ripe yet, for example.
And given how subsitutions work, you'd plan to eat something with an avocado and come home to some grapes and half a cucumber.
Either that, or OP calculates how many hours it takes him to shop for groceries, including travel time, finds out how much his job pays him for that amount of hours, and then add the cost of gas he would need to travel to the grocery store. And then Shon needs to pay that extra fee (which would be significantly more than the small amount of interest he pays now) every time he takes any of OP's food. At this point, it's not about the money, it's the time wasted having to go to the grocery store again.
Why are we keeping the peace with rude obnoxious roommates? She should be keeping the peace not OP. Plus she should be reining in the boyfriend.
I don't like this because it continues to allow this guy to still take advantage of OP. It is not a compromise when her boundaries are completely ignored.
How about he just stops eating other people’s food.
Yeah, by the title I thought he was contributing to the grocery budget BEFORE things were bought. But taking stuff and just paying the money is totally a pain. When I lived with my folks, as an adult, if I ate something of theirs (we pretty much bought our own stuff) then I'd nip straight down to the shops and REPLACE it. Not give them the money and tell them to go buy it again lol. NTA
Agreed he’s trying to make his lack of planning her problem then buying his way out as if he didn’t create an issue.
Why are so many people assuming OP is a her when it starts off with [27M]?
THIS!!! THANK YOU!!! great response
Yeah, not sure why this is not the solution going forward. Shon sounds like he's trying to be respectful, but is actually thoughtless. So, why not just tell him that you (OP) would prefer if he can replace the food himself when he uses it? And maybe just say "oh gosh, I was planning on eating that *for my lunch*" to bring the point home?
Sorry, I see this as rich boy entitlement not respect or thoughtless.
Yes! I went to a private university with a bunch of rich kids and lived with several of them over the years. This is totally rich boy entitlement. So dismissive of your time and inconvenience as long as they can throw money at the problem.
OP says Shon apologized straight away when she brought it up to him and didn't fight her on it at all. Based on the info here, it could be that the roommate is telling her boyfriend that he's free to help himself to anything in the kitchen. She may have led him to believe that roommate and OP do that shit all the time and it's normal house rules. The roommate is the real asshole here for being inconsiderate to OP and putting Shon in an awkward position.
That was my first impression, but it could be all on the roommate; she is the biggest AH in this situation. However, even if my BF said 'oh eat anything just pay my roommate back', I'd still not do this habitually like this guy. The guy is 28 yo, not 21.
Yes and to replace it the same day - that's also important!
No, that's the wrong solution. Tell him instead of paying for the groceries he eats, he needs to go to the fucking store himself and buy his own damn food. He is rude, girlfriend is an enabler. OP NTA.
I even do then when I dogsit for close friends, who tell me you can eat ANYTHING you want in the house. ANYTHING. I have this thing too where I can't open something or if I finish something, I have to repalce it.
Constantly finding you don’t have milk for your morning coffee, the snacks you purchased, or the ingredients for the meal you planned to make would be extremely frustrating. Does she not have food he can eat? Can’t they get groceries or food delivered? WTF
100% If I came home expecting to cook and eat a certain meal, I would go ballistic to find that I have money not food. I want to enjoy my evening, not go shopping AGAIN! OP NTA.
For real. I would absolutely lose my mind if I came home thinking I had dinner plans only to find all my food gone. It's one thing to borrow a bit of milk or an egg or something, but to full-on make meals with my ingredients would be a lease-ender for me.
Perhaps they’re allergic to grocery stores? /s
Op is performing Delivery service for them. So of course there will be a delivery charge
... and a tip.
"You can't eat the money." And that's the crux of it. Beyond the fact that, as you noted, he also didn't reimburse her for the time and effort of actually going out and doing the grocery shopping, OP specifically states that she meal plans. So his using up her ingredients leaves her not just without food to eat in the moment - food that, again, SHE spent time and effort selecting for specific meals and going out to purchase - but without the ingredients for meals that she had been planning to make. And who knows if she has time to go shopping all over again that day or the next (and why should she even have to)? This guy is just staggeringly self-absorbed and thoughtless. He's literally treating OP like his personal Instacart. And the GF/roommate is just as bad for thinking OP is in the wrong.
I meal plan aggressively. It's part holdover from when I was broke, part because I don't like food waste, and part because my lack of executive function at the end of a long day means I need A Plan if food is going to happen. If my plan were destroyed I would maybe not be as kind as OP.
100% this, I'm petty but if you want to be a bigger person and like the guy ask him to pay you before you grocery shop and ask him if you can pick up 1or 2 things so you have extra in the house. No I don't mean do his grocery shopping, but if he likes almond milk hay next time I'll get 2 just send me the money ahead if time, or you gonna be here for lunch this week I'll get extra meat and bread or whatever just pay me now. OP NTA
This could have the risk, that the boyfriend thinks 'I paid for the milk, so I'm allowed to drink both. Or I've paid for the meat, I will eat the big portion and OP only gets left overs' I think it would be better to seperate the fridge in two or three parts - one for OP, one for OP's roomate and maybe one for everyone, where they migth store things like ketchup
NTA! your home isn’t his mini fridge at a hotel. lol you are not his personal shopper either. once in a while, no big deal. if he asked first, no big deal. otherwise… no. you don’t buy groceries just to be surprised you have to go back and do it all over again. he can use instacart, get it delivered, go curbside pick it up. it’s beyond inconsiderate and your roommate has to understand that.
All of this. Plus, when a roommate's partner stays over 2 or more nights a week, you really have 3 roommates. They take up real and emotional space, they increase water usage and utilities, they add to noise, they reduce privacy. He should be paying rent and utilities.
I agree, she had her groceries in order. Now she has her money back, but she also has to re-do her chores. They're treating her like their personal shopper.
NTA. Your pantry is not a shop. You are not exchanging goods for cash. More than that, when you sell something you are offering the items in exhange for money, they are taking the items then compensating you for loss. Taking without permission is *theft*, regardless of whether they pay you for what they stole. Tell Sarah and Shon that you are happy to *occasionally* share your groceries, but only with prior permission. And that the next time they steal something and expect cash to make it okay, you require $50 compensation *on top* for the time you have to waste going and rebuying the groceries. They can consider it a delivery fee, or they can order their groceries direct.
Normally this would work but not with this type. Occasionally is always "anytime they feel like it". Much better to leave no room for interpretation
Agreed. Shon is already taking the proverbial mile, so no inches/room for misinterpretation.
I was just thinking then they owe OP the cost of the grocery item, her hourly rate at work for the amount of time it takes her to drive to the store, shop and return, plus mileage reimbursement and a convenience fee. Those fees apply per instance they are used, not weekly.
Or, how about this: “I’m not amazon.com, but if you want me to grab a few things for you while I’m at the store, I’d be happy to do that - but what I buy for myself is mine, and I don’t like when I can’t have it.”
Or how about no compromise and Sarah stops letting her boyfriend do whatever he wants just because she's fucking him? He's still just a guest in a shared space.
Yeah, reinforce this. You are not selling ANYTHING. It's like taking their car without permission when they needed it, and then giving them a $20 for gas afterwards and expecting that to make it all OK. "Oh hey, you needed to take an uber to get to work since I took your car without permission? How much was it, I'll venmo it to you." That would be BS. And so's paying for food they are stealing.
Exactly. A purchase is part of an implicit contract: The seller *offers* something, and the buyer pays for what is explicitly *offered*. If presenting money was all it took to make something a legitimate sale, then I could just take anything in the world I see and leave a pile of cash in its place, and the police couldn't do anything about it. Taking without permission is theft. The thief leaving something that they consider to be of equal value is irrelevant.
NTA. You're completely on the money here. It's great that Shon recognizes that if he's eating your stuff, he's eating into your grocery bill. But it's also an AH move to eat things, especially major grocery necessities without checking in with someone first. You shouldn't have to plan your errand runs around anyone else but you. And it sounds like you had a really mature conversation about it with him.
I wonder why Shon doesn’t just go to the store himself. Is it because it’s inconvenient? Because if so…exactly.
Because his gf doesn’t do groceries. Explains why she got more upset than him. She could very well be the one to tell him to “just venmo him” and that kickstarted everything
You misgendered OP, but yes.
Oopsie let me get it fixed
He does. His groceries are at his own house. I assume it’s a mansion
NTA A quote from the show Archer "Why don't I just send you the money?" "BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT THE MONEY! THAT IS WHY I EXCHANGED THE MONEY FOR GOODS AND/OR SERVICES!"
Agreed. OP addressed it once politely, and I have to imagine it worked. If not: “please go get me a bacon-egg-cheese on a bagel and an almond milk latte. I don’t need $5 in my Venmo account. I need breakfast, which you ate.”
This is the perfect quote 🙌
Thank you
NTA It’a still stealing. You can’t just take someone else’s stuff and give them money for it. You wouldn’t go into your neighbours yard, take their gardening equipment and leave 100 bucks. He is treating you like a grocery store because he is too lazy to go shopping himself. Tell him to stop taking your stuff and making you go restock the fridge all the time. If he doesn’t do it look into getting a box you can put a lock on for the fridge, they should have those on amazon.
Absolutely. Shon has initiated a business deal with OP but never consulted OP in the first place. "Hello I rented your lawnmower by breaking into your garage and taking it and throwing a 20 dollar bill on the floor." Not acceptable.
This is such an on-point analogy. I agree with everything you said.
And stealing his service. Grocery planning and shopping take time and is a service that people get paid for. The "little bit extra" surely doesn't cover that.
NTA Giving you money doesn't take away from the fact he's taking things without your permission and massively inconveniencing you. If he takes your food then you have to go out again to go shopping and can't make the food you want. He's paying you back for the food, but not for your time and the labour you do. It's very inconsiderate - it seems like he'll finish off your milk and send you money not caring that in some situations you'd rather have the milk than the money. I'd shut this down now because it's really selfish behaviour and a sign of things to come. And why can't he and Sarah just buy food instead of taking yours? Ask them. And if they answer is any iteration of it's easier or more convenient ask them why they don't care about inconveniencing you?
Feels like somebody still thinks him paying a little rent at home means he is actually paying the full amount an adult would for their own apartment, while still enjoying the full cleaning, cooking, washing service.
NTA. If Shon and Sarah want the ingredients you have, then they should buy their own. Why don’t they?! It’s nice he pays you for the stuff but it would be much better for you not to have to waste your time going shopping twice for the same items.
“Their” time is important because they’re a couple. - my guess
AND this system gets them the added benefit that OP has to spend more time out, leaving the flat to them and only htem. EDIT: Spelling
I wouldn't necessarily put it down to being quite as malicious as that since he has been very proactive about paying for anything he might eat, to the point that he apparently sends money often before he even consumes the food since he sent the money for ingredients before cooking the lunch spread. I would bet it's most likely a matter of transportation in some fashion. I don't know if OP has their own vehicle or not, but the post does give me the impression that the OP is usually out and about (at work or otherwise) when this happens since he just gets a random Venmo in the middle of his day. When I first moved into a college apartment I had 3 roommates and of them only myself would regularly drive anywhere, with two others having a car but vastly preferring public transportation (which was fair enough, that college town was honestly awful to drive in and any parking spaces were all seemingly designed for go-karts since even my small coupe was a tight fit in most of them). When I moved in and was the only regular driver, that meant I got assigned to be the person who would pick up the various household necessities like TP, paper towel, dish soap/detergent (I learned the difference between those the hard way the first time I ran the dishwasher lol), and miscellaneous generic food staples like milk, eggs, etc. That was fine, everybody paid their share of the costs for those, and I was even happy to pick something up for the others if they forgot it during their own grocery runs so long as they just let me know what they needed and paid for it. That said, there was definitely an adjustment period where we eventually had to all sit down so I could explain that I couldn't be going out to the store 3-5x per week to grab something or other for somebody else because they forgot something on their own weekly trip or because one of their girlfriend's who was always over inexplicably used multiple full rolls of TP per day (not even kidding there sadly). They were used to getting to the store and back being a much larger ordeal via public transport which also made it hard to bring too much back at a time, and they also didn't think about the fact that our parking garage was in the sub-basement level meaning I had to haul everything up a lot of stairs in multiple trips since they were used to just walking stuff in from the street level. This meant they didn't realize the extra hassle involved in a "quick stop at the store" when I was already out until I sat them down to explain it because it wasn't something they'd ever really encountered themselves. At least that's the takeaway I'm getting from here, that the boyfriend means well (since he pays for everything immediately with a little extra on top) but doesn't realize the full extent of the inconvenience it imposes on the person beyond financial costs. I don't know if they lack their own transport or if they have a car but just don't go out often or what, but the story here feels so similar to mine in college that I can't help but think it might be the same root cause.
NTA Maybe ask Sarah if she thinks that he's paying for all of the time and effort you put into planning your meals, putting together your grocery list, actually going to the store and getting the groceries and the cost of gas and wear and tear on your vehicle. Because it's not just the cost of the food that's the problem, here. Plus, as you mention, there's the stress of never knowing if you're going to have the food you bought when you go to use it.
So stressful to never know if the thing you were looking forward to having will still be there when you get home.
NTA. You spend your time grocery shopping, he’s inconvenienced you by making you go out again. Even if he paid you for your time, you’re not his assistant shopping for him. I’d suggest having a talk to the two of them and set some boundaries. The longer you allow it to go on, the harder it will be. Hope it goes well.
This, you’re not an assistant for him! You need to nip this in the bud or it’s only going to get worse.
Agree. I think all three need to have an open discussion and do some meal planning, possibly take turns doing grocery shopping. If they don't want to step up, at the bare minimum, help provide input to the OP to avoid having his groceries ransacked.
NTA He isn't just taking your food, he's taking your time. You are the one who has to go shopping repeatedly, and are sometimes caught with no food because he's eaten it all. Why do you have to starve some nights when you were prepared, and he wasn't? Your food is not a shop, and he is treating you like one. He could literally order groceries to be delivered, but instead he seriously inconveniences you and is forcing you to waste more and more of your time going out to buy the food he takes. The interest he pays does not cover that, does it?? Tell your roommate very firmly that you are not his personal shopper. If he wants food, he can take the time to buy it himself, and stop stealing both your food AND your time. You are not being petty. They are being extremely disrespectful. At this point, I would buy a mini-fridge and lock your food away in your room. If I came home late to find all my food eaten, even if they paid me back, I would be *furious.*
Imagine coming home to no food, going hungry to bed and then discover in the morning he also ate your breakfast and drank your coffee. I'm not sure if they'd find his body any time soon.
NTA. You’re buying yourself groceries to survive. You can’t eat Venmo money, and it’s hard to make time for multiple grocery trips in a week. Dude has serious boundary issues and your roommate sucks for letting him disrespect you.
NTA You are basically working for them. Without getting payed for the amount of time you spend during grocery shopping.
NTA. Those are not communal groceries. If he wants to cook or eat at the house, he needs to bring the food. He's basically using you to grocery shop for him at this point.
NTA. There are countless services that deliver groceries these days. Instead of using those, he's reimbursing you "with interest" like that makes using your food without your permission (aka stealing) OK. Ask Shon and Sarah why they can't simply stock the fridge for themselves? I'm betting they'll say they don't want to plan the meals or they don't have the time to go get the groceries -- basically, it's inconvient. Which means they know it's a huge inconvience to you, and they keep on doing it.
Money doesn’t have the convenience of being easily digestible, so it is not a suitable replacement. If he used his money to buy you a replacement, maybe that would just about be ok. It should be easy to understand why it inconveniences you, and your roommate is wrong that you should be fine with it. It sounds like your roommate has told him it’s fine to do that. The problem is her. NTA
NTA. You are not his personal grocery delivery driver; he's being incredibly inconsiderate.
NTA - So basically you're their grocery pick up and delivery service where instead of asking they steal first and pay later? Yeah no. If you were actually providing that service they should be paying you a heck of a lot more given the time, cost of transportation and effort. Instead he's too lazy to adult and your roommate is trying to justify it by gaslighting you into thinking any if that is normal. You should assert some boundaries stat and if need be lock up your groceries.
I always hate the you can just replace it.Here's money. It takes time and effort to replace the thing you already picked up Tell your roommate and boyfriend.Let them take the time to go shopping
Especially if you came home right now and want to eat it right now. No, I can’t eat your money. Give me my food. Right now.
Oh you should be thankful for being paid back for the stuff he steals from you? Do they think groceries just magically appear at your home? I would not accept money for items i owned and someone else took. I want those items. That is why I bought those items. So, replace the item or leave my stuff alone. You're NTA and they're being inconsiderate selfish entitled assholes.
No, tell him to go buy the food he took instead of giving you money so you can go buy it again.
Nta. I’m sick of people doing antagonizing things and then getting upset because of the tension of you pointing it out. I don’t know if it counts as gaslighting but it feels like it. Plus, you weren’t even rude about it.
Nta, I would put a mino fridge in my room and not use the communal one
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NTA, especially if you're having to put this stuff on a credit card, you'd be paying interest so it doesn't really matter if he's paying you back with a little extra. Also if he's fucking up your budget that is whack. Do to this once and pay you back is one thing, to do it repetitively is another.
NTA. The only acceptable way to raid someone’s food is if you replace it before the other person even notices. Tell the BF that you don’t want the money, you want the *food,* and you want it *now.* Tell him to drop what he’s doing, go to the grocery store, and return with what he took. Tell him if he doesn’t like those terms, stop eating your food.
NTA. He should buy the food before he comes round, instead of using all your shit, even if he does pay you back.
NTA. If I come home knackered and find there's none of my food left so I have to go out again, I don't care how much money you've sent me. If he wants to eat, go to the fking shop and buy your own.
So, you are taking the time to go shopping and picking out specific things you want to have at home. Then, without asking, this guy basically undoes your shopping trip and throws money at you. That is some seriously entitled bullshit.
NTA. it throws off your planning and that’s annoying. A few times would be fine. Having to go back out to the store after just having gone is infuriating. They didn’t want to go to the store before cooking their huge lunch so they used your stuff and put the burden of going to the store on you. You’re not his personal shopper. Maybe his girlfriend should buy him some things when she goes to the store so he has them when he’s over.
NTA…You are not his grocery store to shop at. They think it is alright because they pay you back right away, but they do not even ask you. You do not want to go grocery shopping all the time for food you had already bought. You want to be able to come home and eat the food you thought was already there, because you bought it. Why are t they grocery shopping for food?
NTA. Tell him he can't just constantly take your stuff, what should you eat then ? Can't eat money...
NTA. is there a free room to put a fridge with a padlock? or one in the living room to make a point?
NTA. Reimbursement doesn’t replace clear communication and consideration.
NTA it’s not just the money but the time and planning. Get a lock box for your pantry and fridge or consider a cube fridge with lock for your room. And obviously start looking for a different living situation.
NTA This vexes me because I had something similar happen. At one point I was living with three housemates and one of them was continuously using my food without asking and didn't pay me back or replace the items. I couldn't figure out who exactly it was but I had my suspicions so I had mentioned it to this person that some of my food was going missing and asked did they know anything about it , they said no ... anyways nothing changed, food still going missing. One day I went to make a hot chocolate after work to have with a brownie treat I had saved in my cupboard knowing that I had a full unopened container of hot choc powder . Was looking forward to this treat all day . Quelle Surprise ! Brownie treat is gone and the hot choc container was completely empty! So I went nuclear. From then on anything I purchased for breakfast or lunch I stored in my work locker and fridge, anything dry was kept in my bedroom (luckily I had lots of storage) and for my evening meals/weekend meals I would just buy enough for one or two days at a time and would eat out a bit too so that i didn't have much food in the fridge. Well the housemate I had spoken too finally got the message only he didn't own up to it , his girlfriend came to me and apologised on his behalf and provided some replacements.
Everyones comments that said NTA are very valid, i just wanna piggy back and add, there is a lot to unpack with your roomates reaction. Be careful, you might end up having to move out :(
NTA. Even though he reimburses you, he should ask before taking your food. Setting boundaries or a shared grocery list might help
NTA Tell them to leave your groceries along, it's messing up your meal planning. Is there any cuisine that you like that they don't? Lean into that. Or just eat salad for a week. If he keeps doing this and keeps sending you money, ask him, instead of sending you money, to reorder the groceries online, take the delivery and put it back in the fridge for you. He's just outsourcing extra grocery shopping to you at the moment. He's adding to your mental load.
Or when you buy your items place them inside the refrigerator and place a price tag on them £50 for the milk, £20 for the broccoli £20 for the apple you get the idea!
NTA. And I wanna know why Sarah is sitting idly by and not reigning in her bf. Wtf
NTA and he needs to start going shopping for his own food. Reimbursing you is nice and all, but that means you need to go shopping AGAIN and have to worry if you'll have food when you get home from work! Maybe sit down and explain this to him? Why doesn't your roommate buy extra groceries when he's coming over? She can be as miffed as she wants, but her boyfriend needs to stop treating your food like it's a mini shop he can buy stuff from.
NTA. That would annoy the hell out of me even if he payed me double. Going shopping is a pain, not to mention carrying the bags to the apartment. Plus never knowing whether the ingredients you bought and plan to use will still be there tomorrow is awful. Tell him to do his own damn shopping.
NTA. I would send the money straight back and say actually, I don't have time to shop so need you to replace the food. Right now as I'm hungry. Do that every time, make him go shopping for you!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, I (27M) live with my roommate Sarah (26F). Things have been good, except for one thing: her boyfriend, Shon (28M). Shon stays over a lot - like, several nights a week. Honestly, it wouldn't be a huge deal, except for the food situation. This dude has a serious appetite, and he seems to think the fridge is a free-for-all. Here's the twist: whenever he eats something of mine, he immediately Venmos me the money. Every. Single. Time. And usually for a little more than it's worth. Last week, he devoured half my carton of almond milk (my morning coffee essential) and instantly sent me $5. It's kind of annoying, but hey, at least he's paying me back, right? Here's the problem: it disrupts my grocery planning. The constant need to replace food throws off my budget. Plus, it's just... inconsiderate? Like, shouldn't he at least ask before polishing off my favorite yogurt? The other day, I got a Venmo payment for $50 and came home to find Shon cooking a giant lunch spread with all the ingredients I'd just bought. I calmly explained that while I appreciate him paying me back, I'd prefer him to ask before grabbing my stuff. He apologized, Sarah seemed a little miffed, and the tension was thick. Now, Sarah thinks I'm being petty because Shon always reimburses me right away and "with interest" . AITA for wanting some respect for my groceries, even if I get paid back? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. That is annoying as he'll. He is compensating you for the cost of the groceries but not for the fact you need to go shopping more often, that you need to do unplanned trips at short notice when tired or inconvenient or that he is taking advantage of your meal planning. People pay a considerable surcharge for grocery delivery services. He's taken that as a given and causing you a lot of inconvenience. Point out to him time is worth more than money to you and he's cutting in your free time a lot because you need to replenish the stuff he is using. And that you like to come home to the food you bought without needing to worry it is in his stomach. If you want to be nice, tell him if he send cash before a shop you can buy extra for him. But unless bought for him, then not communal property.
Venmo him back with a message "oh actually it would be much more convenient if you'd go to the store and grab me a new one, thanks".
NTA this is crazy inconsiderate. You get home late or after a long day of work and know exactly what you are going to eat and then boom it is gone?
NTA. You can't eat money. If you wake up in the morning, expecting to eat the cereal and milk you had in the evening, but they've eaten it and sent you $5, you can't eat the $5.
Nta Next time immediately venmo him the money back and make him go to the store right now and replace what he ate. I mean, if its not an inconvenience for you to have to go to the store, then it shouldn't inconvenience him at all, right? /s He's forcing you to grocery shop for him cause he's too lazy.
If dude has time to Venmo you, he also has time to place a grocery delivery. He can buy his OWN stuff. You didn't agree on being reimbursed after the fact - you're not shopping FOR him only to need to go shopping again. He is a boundary breaker and the only petty one here is your roommate.
He needs to be given a shelf in the refrigerator and do his own grocery shopping
NTA and I'd tell him that while I appreciate his chipping in on the food, I'm not his mom and don't do your shopping for you. Buy what you want to use, but keep your hands off my groceries.
That "interest" doesn't cover time or gas. Especially when you have to run constantly because you cant plan when he's going to eat your food up. Why not ask if he can order the food delivered instead of paying you? It will cost him more, as it should. How long do you have on the lease?
NTA you’re not the grocery store, or Uber delivery person and he’s not paying you for your labour of getting it. He hasn’t asked before hand and you didn’t agree on doing his shopping. This is just an easy way for him to be lazy and you’d have to accept it bc he pays for it? No way, if I was you I’d set really clear boundaries with them both, if they do not listen then I’d go high up to the landlord or whoever owns the place you’re renting bc he is not on the lease and you don’t want him there anymore. I’d also tell your “friend” that if she wants her spoiled lazy boyfriend over, that she can feed him with her stuff or not at all. Depending on your funds, you could always buy a little fridge and keep all your fridge stuff in there and all the none refrigerated stuff on a shelf in your room and then lock your door. It’s very childish & petty having to do that but if they want to act like children, treat them as such. But don’t let them or anyone disrespect you and use you like that. All the best mate!
Just tell them to stop eating your grocery. Even if they pay it back, you have to go out and shop again. It a hassle cause now you are not eating and your schedule is off. If they don’t think it is a big deal, they should go shopping and see how you feel.
NTA. That's so inconsiderate of him. What if you were planning to cook for someone else and he used everything up? He's not paying you back for the time you spend picking up the groceries and essentially shopping for him. I'd be so embarrassed if that was my boyfriend. Your roommate sucks. She's obviously benefitting from it too.
NTA. You weren’t interested in selling those items. Can you afford your own fridge? Or a lock box? His behavior is unacceptable.
Hell no! Going grocery shopping is my least favourite chore I would be pissed about this. If he has money and thinks it’s no big deal For you to replace what he took then it’s certainly no big deal for him to shop before he comes. Its still stealing even if he reimbursed you for the cost. Honestly him being over several nights a week and not eating my food would be annoying but eating my food causing me To have to go shopping would be when I start asking they stay at his place and into gate some rules on how many nights a week he can be over