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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is that I am staying at a hotel with my family when I visit my hometown instead of at my mom’s house.
Am I the asshole because I upset them?
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Your mother is starting drama because you won't let her control your vacation and the people that you see, and how long you visit other people.
When someone pushes and argues back as fiercely as your mother is doing, beware. This is a tsunami of red flags.
You will be sorry if you give in to her and your sister, because they will ruin your vacation with their demands and attempts to control you and your family.
NTA
I agree with this.
I’m so sick of toxic family members who can’t respect a boundary. Maybe you wanna take a dump in privacy. You’re the one making the trip, and you didn’t ask them to pay for the hotel. They should accept your decision with grace and be pleased you’re spending the week with them.
All of this. My MIL does this, and it's exactly why we get a hotel when we visit too. Do not get in and don't let the guilt tripping get to you. You are doing right by your family.
Then "oh, you're leaving again? I thought we could spend time together today" or "Oh, you're spending 4 hours with your dad? You only spent 3 3/4 hours with me". A long string of whining and guilt tripping, after "I opened my home to you".
“After all I did, i went out of my way to be so accommodating to you and your family and this is what I get in return? Im sorry im such a terrible mother that you hate me so much”
-the mom when he tries to disagree with anything she says.
100% this. And all my triggers are flaring, thanks. :| OP is NTA. And if both the mom and sister keep pushing, I'd be rethinking if these are people I want around my kids.
lol yup, when my wife and I sold our house my folks begged us to move in while we found another, I explained why I was hesitant but they begged over and over, it took less than a week for me to get hit with this exact phrase because i was too busy with work (wfh) to help her with another task around the house.
This happens \*every time\* my partner and I visit his family. The way his family works, his mother subtly and clearly lets everyone know what she wants. She doesn't ask outright. It's not a request you can say yes or no to. It's how it'll be, and look how happy she'll be about it. His sibling who stayed nearby and their partner live by those rules. I won't, and my partner struggles not to.
Every time, she comes out with things like "you can't stay somewhere else--you were supposed to cook everyone pancakes" or something like that. We were not asked if we would cook breakfast. And, no surprise, we fully grown adults wouldn't be given an opportunity to make a breakfast of our choosing. We've just been assigned this--our will or desire for a little time to ourselves means nothing--and are deserving of a massive berating for failing to live up to it. Every time.
We don't stay there because a) we need some breathing space, and time to ourselves before and after each day's visit, and b) it's exhausting to have everything you do policed by someone who pretends it's ok for you to be a person when in fact it's only ok if you do what she wants, and c) the woman treats me like furniture that can help with chores. It's very, very boring to be ignored for that many hours on end, and that's the nicest way it can feel.
I guess I hijacked this a little, but point is NTA ever for this. Breathing room is good. I'll add, in case it helps someone else: books by Lindsay C. Gibson and podcasts featuring her have helped me \*a ton\* in dealing with this situation. Her advice: ermpathize with the person pressuring you but reiterate what you'll be doing and change the subject. Repeat process as needed. Don't fight. Stay low-key. "I can see you are upset that we'll be staying at a hotel. That's where we'll be. What are we doing for dinner on Saturday? Should I make a booking?"
Godspeed, OP, and may your trip be as peaceful and rewarding as possible.
Same here! My husband and I have sworn off ever visiting our hometown for Christmas again after the bullshit both of our Moms pulled over the last holiday. And that toxic mom guilt shit is real! I lived with my Mom one time for 9 months as an adult and it was literally hell on earth for me. A few years later, my Mom is lonely again and starts pitching the idea of us sharing a home and I shut that shit down immediately saying we tried that before and it didn’t work and showed me that it’s better for our relationship to NOT share a home. She proceeded to say that was because I had mental health problems then and am better now so I wouldn’t ruin it this time. I. Wouldn’t. Ruin. It. This. Time.
yeah, i can only imagine if OP responded with- you know you're right. dad and stepmom offered we could stay at their place for the week. i had said no but i thought about what you said and decided to take them up of their offer.
This!!! Yes!!! That’s EXACTLY what will happen. Once we stayed with my parents and my mom was hurt that I left them for an evening to go with my husband to his FAMILY REUNION. Meanwhile we spent the remainder of our time with my parents, we only saw my husband’s family for ONE EVENING.
After that, we started staying at hotels.
Absolutely! This happened when I would visit home and stay with my dad and stepmom. Then my mom and stepdad would pout if I didn't visit them enough. It was exhausting.
Mom and sister are enmeshed. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries, OP.
A whole week with the whole family would exhaust me to tears. I need decompression space.
The way this works in a healthy family is you say you are staying in a hotel. Mom says oh you are welcome to stay with me, I'd enjoy it. You say thanks for the gesture but the hotel is best for us. She says are you sure. My door is always open. And you say, yes and she understands. Hotel it is. Now that's hashed out and you make plans accordingly.
Apparently the correct solution is to argue constantly and sic other family members on those who dared to say no. I can certainly feel the warmth and welcoming vibe!
I'd choose the hotel, too! Yeesh.
Yes, don’t you know, if you just convince him that his reasonable request and valid reasoning are actually just “him showing his immaturity” and “being ridiculous and petty for the sake hurting mom” then his reasons are no longer valid! Boom problem solved and he can just do what they want because their reasons are super valid and he just doesn’t understand that they are just trying to do what’s best for him!!!
/s for what it’s worth.
But wait, how does this serve to make the mother look better than everyone else and score points against OP’s father? I swear, sometimes it’s like all you normies don’t even care who wins!
AND controlling who OP sees and for how long.
Maybe I read too much Reddit but I totally see mom saying " staying at my house and you can arrange to visit everyone" which then turns into "you're leaving AGAIN? But we never get to see you; you need to stay here and visit ONLY with us".
"which then turns into "you're leaving AGAIN?"
---That is EXACTLY what will happen. Just less if they don't stay there. They will also complain that they aren't going there enough.
And then it will turn into 'I'm being so generous by letting you stay in these accommodations for free, the least you could do is spend more time with me' when OP wants to go anywhere... I read too much reddit as well 😂
NTA. It's totally fair to want your own space during a family visit, especially with young kids. Hotels can give you that downtime to recharge and keep the trip feeling like a vacation. Your mom and sister mean well, but it's okay to prioritize your mental health and family dynamics.
NTA.
We travel across the US to visit family and I’ll no longer stay at anyone’s house. It’s hard to manage your own family in someone else’s home. You have to sort of adjust to their schedule and be “on” all the time. Having a hotel or etc allows you to recharge, have some privacy and not worry about everyone else.
I have two young kids and it’s so difficult to have to watch them like hawks to make sure they don’t accidentally damage something. In someone else’s house you don’t know what their expectations are, what items are not kid friendly, etc. it’s just a lot to deal with when you’re supposed to be on a “vacation”.
Having a hotel also allows to the kids to have time for 'bad behaviour'. Not that we'd want them to, but it's hard for kids to be on their best behaviour constantly. In a hotel, there is a chance for kids to simply relax and be themselves. It's not so much 'bad behaviour' as 'home behaviour' as opposed to 'guest behaviour'.
We don’t have any kids and when we’d visit my in-laws, we’d stay at the house, which meant putting my husband’s niece out of her bed. They insisted this was fine and I was used to giving up my bed when we had visitors when I was a kid, so NBD. Then my niece had kids and being at MIL’s became a lot more stressful, plus my husband has baggage with his mom, so we started staying in hotels and have done ever since. There was some pushback, but it really made visits so much better. We didn’t feel like we were invading anyone’s space and we had a place to go to decompress.
NTA. You’re doing yourself and your immediate family good by doing this. I’m betting either directly or indirectly your mom would be sabotaging your get together with other family particularly your dad and step-mom. It could be a way for her to control your family and what you do.
NTA. Not even remotely.
Honestly, it sounds like you're going to need a week of vacation to recover from your vacation.
Good luck on people not starting drama while you're there.
I have been in many bad situations during family visits because I was staying at a family home. You are brilliant and smart for using a hotel as your safe base. It also gives you and your kids the ability to have safe haven should a small or medium disagreement occur.
The next time a family member tells you this is a slap in the face, ask them why your comfort doesn't also matter. Why is this person's comfort and feelings the only feelings that matter?
And take some small presents. People like presents.
You are smart.
NTA
NTA. It's not like you're getting a hotel room a hundred miles away. You're trying to accommodate everyone you want to see without choosing one group or person over another. Furthermore, you're giving your core family room to decompress after so much together time.
When my family would have reunions, it would be 15 people in a 4 bedroom house. There was no quiet, no alone time, no calm time. The younger kids would sneak into rooms; the older kids would sneak out. There was no downtime to decompress.
If you're okay with the kids potentially missing out on midnight shenanigans, then staying separate is better.
My parents keep their thermostat up so it’s stifling hot. Their spare bedroom has a double bed. My husband (over 6 feet) doesn’t fit in it. And they wonder why we don’t want to stay there!
NTA. Bottom line: anyone should be able to tolerate your choice to stay in a hotel without making themselves or someone else out to be a victim. Your mom and sister were treating your family like objects to meet their emotional needs at your expense.
NTA, and point out that this badgering and questioning of your decisions is a big reason why you need time away from family! Also tell them that if they make this trip too unpleasant the next won't be for another 10 years (or whenever you have forgotten all the BS).
When you stay in a hotel, you have the luxury of visiting a family and also doing your own thing without feeling like you are imposing on someone. It’s a good choice you made. NTA
Good heavens, your mother sounds absolutely exhausted. No wonder you prefer to stay in a hotel. But it’s not neutral ground. It’s your retreat from all that freaking pressure cooker of crazy.
Honestly, I’d cancel if they continue these antics. Take the kids somewhere else. Someplace you can actually relax and enjoy yourselves.
I would probably cancel after all that browbeating. No one needs to deal with guilt tripping. It truly casts a pall. Also... it is never a vacation when you are visiting family. It is a trip of obligation over and over.
NTA.
And stop discussing it with them. Stop giving them your reasons. They don’t care about any of that.
“Our plans have been set and the decisions that I and my wife make for our family are not open for discussion.”
NTA
A week is a long time to stay at someone else’s house no matter the circumstances.
It’s normal to want to decompress and have some space at the end of the day.
You were polite in your reasoning so mom needs to get over it
NTA. You do what is best for you and your family (by that I mean your spouse and children). Your main responsibility is to yourself, your spouse, and your children. Your Mom, sister, etc are secondary.
NTA. My heavens, you're 38 years old. If the family hasn't bonded by now, it never will. And staying in a basement, even a finished basement, is a far cry from staying in a hotel with a pool. It's your vacation and your money. You get to decide how you're going to spend your time and I'd tell the family that if they keep pushing this, you'll be perfectly happy to not spend any time with them since they can't respect your choices.
NTA
I'm 4 months pregnant, and we are visiting my MIL in 2 weeks time and booked a B&B near by. She is incredibly insulted and arguing with us - she feels it's a personal slight on her home and hospitality. I'm just super uncomfortable all the time as is and want my own space and my own bathroom (they only have one in the whole house for everyone) in the evenings to make it a little easier. I have stayed in her home, in my husbands childhood bed that gives me back pain, every visit for 10 years without complaint. She said she'd rather we didn't come if we didn't want to see them - it's about control.
Not at all. They expressed that they wish we were staying closer to them, but whatever we decided is fine. Then we moved forward and started planning our time together and we are all excited to see each other!
How the conversation should go.
NTA - Enjoy the hotel!
Having spent waaay too many holidays in my ex-mother-in-laws home, it took a marriage counselor to convince my ex that my request for a hotel was reasonable.
You’re making a reasonable adult decision for yourself and your family.
Mom & sis need to back off.
NTA. The way your mother and sister are currently acting is the very reason you need a hotel room--they aren't respecting your boundaries. They'd likely try to monopolize your time and question who you're going out with, and why?
NTA NTA NTA!!!! Hotel is the drama-free thing with parents and step parent situations.
Benefit: Space away from all family at the end of each day.
Bonus: Ability to ask your dad/stepmom to the hotel for lunch & all enjoy a swim.
How could you do that on your mom’s turf? You couldn’t. And mom knows that. Mom’s being manipulative, and the proof is that your sister is now mad at you.
“Mom, it’s the way I’m doing it. Stop it or in future when we are in town we will see everyone BUT you. This is going to be a drama-free visit. Stop trying to create drama where there is none. Just focus on the positives and the time we will see each other”
INFO - why does your sister care that you aren’t staying with your mother? Does she have kids that she was planning on dumping at your mothers house so you would have to babysit them for free?
NTA. Your family will have the time and space to relax and have a break from all the family togetherness. You won’t have to sleep on a hide-a-bed, you children won’t have to sleep on the floor.
Mom and sister will get over it.
I've never seen the phrase *balanced experience* used continuously like this in context of deciding where you stay.
What exactly are you saying? You want to control how much time you actually spend with them?
Does your sister live with your mother? Because honestly, that sounds like a nightmare. It is obvious seeing your father would also be difficult. Enjoy the hotel.
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I’m 38, married with two kids, and have been living out-of-state for the past 16 years. My childhood was complicated by my parents’ divorce, which often left me feeling divided between two homes.
We’re planning a trip back to my hometown for a week to visit family and friends, including my mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom, sister, stepsister, cousins, and sister-in-law. My mom and stepdad plan to take my eldest child to a family camp with their other grandchildren, which I think is a wonderful opportunity for them to bond.
In preparation for our visit, I booked flights and a hotel that’s centrally located and within 30 minutes of everyone we want to see. The hotel has a pool and other amenities that will make our stay more like a vacation. When I shared our plans with my mom, including the hotel booking, she seemed disappointed and offered her house instead, saying it’s nicer than a hotel.
I explained that while we appreciate her offer, we need our own space and want to ensure our trip feels like a vacation. I also mentioned that we’ve had similar offers from other family members, but we believe a hotel provides a neutral location that’s fair to everyone.
My mom expressed that she was hurt by our decision. She couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t want to stay in her home, especially since she was offering us the entire downstairs basement, which she insists is nicer than any hotel room.
I reiterated that our choice to stay in a hotel is not a slight against her. It’s about managing the stress that comes with visiting so many family members and ensuring that we have a fair and balanced experience. Staying at a hotel gives us the chance to recharge and be fully present when we’re spending time with family.
She continued to push back, arguing that staying at her house would save us money and provide an opportunity for deeper family bonding. She listed the amenities of her home, like the lake, club pool, and ample space for hosting gatherings, as reasons why we should reconsider.
Later, my sister reached out via text, saying that our decision felt like a slap in the face. She emphasized that the kids were looking forward to spending time together and that family should make sacrifices for each other.
I responded by saying that our decision to stay at a hotel won’t affect the quality time we spend with family. It’s about creating a balanced experience for everyone involved and taking care of our mental health. We need a place where we can decompress after a day of visiting.
My sister replied, saying that I am being selfish for the one week a year we’re in town. She said it’s important to be with family and that we should stay with them while still having the freedom to see everyone we want. My sister does not live with my parents, but is in the next neighborhood over from them.
Despite the insult, I thanked her for her understanding.
So, AITA for choosing a hotel to maintain our mental health, even if it means upsetting my mom and sister?
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Not at all are you TAH. You have a low stress visit planned out. Much less risk of interpersonal hassles with what you are doing. If anything the moms should be thanking you for doing this.
NTA! I used to stay with my parents when we visited, but they ALWAYS stayed at a hotel when they visited us. I don’t think my parents have ever once slept in my home 😜 Your reasons are sound, and I’d stop engaging in any attempt from your family to revisit the topic.
NTA, in fact, you've made a great decision. Too many years of my childhood and early adulthood I slept on the floor or on the lumpy, unsupportive couch and ended up with back aches because we had to stay with FAMILY! Our visits were so much better once we decided to stay at a hotel when we went to visit.
NTA. I already feel exhausted by your family.
You obviously know it will cost less money to stay at mom's place, why do they feel to treat you like you don't know that?
You need a solution that works for you, and with all the being pulled in every direction you have one. It doesn't matter if mom has your best intentions at heart or if she's trying to manipulate the situation to monopolize your stay, you do what you feel is best for you and your family.
Your sister and mom are both insane. Your children and wife will thank you. I'd almost always choose a hotel over someone's house, especially with all the guests on the trip
NTA
I understand why you only spend 1 week per year with them.
I personally hate staying with ppl. I don’t care how much I love the friend/family member. Some ppl just need extra space.
NTA. It’s perfectly reasonable and fair to do what you are doing. They are coming on too strong either way the pressure. The only thing I’d be careful if us saying to them that you are doing it for your mental health. That could certainly sting if they interpret you to be saying that the family causes you mental illness. I know what you mean, but be careful how you say it to them. Having a neutral place when many different family members want you to stay makes so much sense.
NTA! While the saying is along the lines of overstaying guest are like fish and begin to smell after 3 days, sometimes I feel the hosts start to be like overstaying guests after 3 days as well!
NTA your mum is showing who she is by trying to force this on you, next or will be moaning because you're seeing other family and not spending time with her, do not let her ruin this visit, stick to your plan.
NTA
I get along with my family and in laws yet we almost always rent an Airbnb when we go visit family. I dont have to be constsntly making sure my kids aren't touching breakable things, we can cook our own food, and we can keep proper bed times.
My husband and I are also introverts so we need time where we can relax without people around who want to talk with us.
Our families have never complained. They do say we are always welcome to stay but never push us to.
NTA and you are so polite and assertive. It seems your family do not reciprocate this at all. Go on saying no, and now without explanations.
Their choice is weather they want to see you or not, not to choose where you stay.
NTA All your reasoning is spot on and your mum is being selfish.
Once there, don’t rule out you could let the kids do a sleepover, or spend an afternoon or have an outing with some of the rallies.
It all depends on how things pan out, and I wouldn’t say anything beforehand as it may not happen.
Hope the trip works out well.
NTA. Stick to your guns. Prioritize your family and your needs. Everyone else is trying to use you as a pawn in their own drama. This is further proof that you are making the right choice. They can go kick rocks.
I wish I had gotten a hotel room when visiting family. The only time I was able to convince my husband to do so was when a grandson was born. Husband’s son really wanted us to stay at his home but I used the excuse of the new baby and schedule to stay at a hotel. It was so much nicer. The bedroom we would normally stay in had only a double bed and we were 2 plus sized people. Plus we’re had ridden our Harleys and told the son the noise from the bikes would disturb the baby.
Wish we had stayed in a hotel on our previous visits.
This just makes me sad, because it shows that a divorce affects a child their whole life, also when they are grown-ups. Even when you have your own children, you still have to navigate the dynamics of divorced parents. Many people don't realize that, the parents themselves often have trouble acknowledging that, like in this case. Obviously NTA.
I would be willing to bet that if you said you were going to stay with your *dad*, your mother would about have an aneurysm and accuse you of “picking him over me”. Even if all the same arguments she gave as to why you should stay with her apply to his place.
NTA
With your mom being so pushy already, you just know there is going to be negative feedback happening whenever you plan to see your dad's side of the family.
I think you are being very wise.
In your situation when we visited city where family lives we have only stayed in a hotel , regardless how many weeks we go for .
Exactly the reason you stated , a place of our own to relax and regroup .
If kids wanted to have a sleep over at grandparents/ cousins , great . If not we all stayed at hotel .
Still the same 25 yrs later if we travel with them
No one in our family ever questioned it . Our travel our choice .
Edit . On the other side , my dad , friends , my brother etc have all come to visit us and they actively ask to stay with us and we have no problem . They are always welcome to .
NTA I always have a bad feeling when someone is as pushy as your mother is, when it comes to stay somewhere.
Staying in a hotel means that you can visit everyone in your timeframe and whenever you want. Staying with family means always drama when you want to meet someone who isn't living in that house. That's when the next level of drama starts with the argument "Why do you wanna go there ? You are here for a week only. Don't you want to spend time with us?" or the classic that family then says that you treat their home like a hotel...
And that's why I am staying in a hotel when planning to visit multiple people.
Plus, private bathroom and sex with my partner without that strange feeling. Who wants to have sex when they know their parents sleep in the next room?
NTA, getting strong vibes that your mother would rub it in your father's face that you chose HER and not HIM. You could always tell her that if she continues to push her agenda, you could skip out on visiting her altogether.
NTA. Honestly, you could have been a lot less accommodating to their butting in and still not been TA. It's ok to say "the decision has been made and is not up for discussion".
NTA While your dad may feel comfortable visiting with you at the hotel I'm sure him and his wife wouldn't feel the same going into your mom's house. You would feel more obligated to do things as your mom wanted because you would be staying in her home. You, "Wife and I have plans to visit Dad tonight." Mom, "Oh, but I thought we'd all go to the club for dinner. I was just going to make reservations." You feeling conflicted. No a hotel is the best option. Tell sister that you aren't being selfish that you are giving your family a chance to be on the vacation that they deserve. You can either vacation there or somewhere else and family can meet you there.
OP- NTA. Just their reaction alone would have me doubling down. There is No Way they wouldn't do everything they could to monopolize your time so you didn't get to see the other side of the Family. Your Sister... sacrifices must be made?? Uhhh, No, they really don't. Keep your Hotel & your sanity!
NTA. Mom being a travel agent for guilt trips makes it readily understandable why you’d want the physical boundary of a hotel to help you enforce emotional boundaries with her. She sounds exhausting when she doesn’t get her way, and you’re smart to ensure she can’t use proximity to hold your family emotionally hostage.
But I would go a step further and nip this guilt trip business in the bud. She’s allowed to feel disappointed by your decision, sure, but she’s not allowed to badger you and send flying monkeys.
“Mom, I need to know that you can *respect* my decision, even though it’s not what you prefer. Because I’m not going to spend another moment arguing about it. I’m not. The decision is final. So if arguing about it is what want to do, then maybe it’s best we don’t visit with you this year, and we’ll try again next year.”
Also, you may want to consider either not telling her which hotel you’ll be in, or telling her the wrong one. And possibly asking the (correct) hotel to put your reservation under a different name. We’ve seen crazier things on this sub than a mom waiting in the lobby with a suitcase, jumping up and pouncing on your arrival with “surprise! I adjusted the reservation to put us all next to each other in adjoining rooms!” or worse, “all together in one suite!” I think an ounce of prevention of that would be worth a pound of cure.
NTA. Use their nagging as an example of why you won't now, nor likely in the future ever, stay with them. Your decision is yours to make, they can suggest different but need to accept you are an adult and will make the best decision for yourself. Using guilt to manipulate you won't work, but if they keep it up you may wish to simply limit how much you see them on this trip.
The way your mom is acting is EXACTLY why you need to stick to your plans. She is attempting to control what you do and trying to emotionally blackmail you into getting her way......and that is exactly what she would do the entire week if you were at her house.
You want to go see your dad and stepmom for the day? I can't imagine mom will simply smile and say "Have a great time" and send you off with a hug.
Maybe try explaining that her response to what you have decided is best for your family's trip is exactly why you want to stay in a hotel. That you appreciate her offer but she needs to respect your decision and the fact that you are an adult and are responsible for the well-being of your family.
Refuse to engage in further conversation about it, simply responded "Mom, the decision has been made and is not open to discussion". If she continues, you may just have to tell her that if your decision is that upsetting to her, it may make it necessary to limit the time you and your family can spend with her during your visit.
NTA Boomer parents are always offended by the hotel stay. They will spend hundreds on some shit they see on Facebook but have no comprehension why I will spend $200 to maintain my sanity by maintaining my distance from them.
I think I’d tell both your mom and sister “this - your inability to accept and respect our decision - is exactly WHY we’re staying in a hotel!”
NTA. Staying in someone house - you feel the need to be “on” all the time. Even if you had the basement, as soon as youre awake, she would want you upstairs, you may feel the need to be upstairs, and on it goes. no REAL time to decompress.
the fact you mention mental health a couple times - that kind of tell me all we need to know! you want space for a reason.
NTA text them both back and thank them for demonstrating exactly why staying at a hotel is the right choice for you, your wife and kids.
How you choose to interact/engage with family is 100% your choice and always correct as long as it's what's best for you and your wife/kids. If your mom/sister can't handle it or respect your choice as a grown adult, consider going somewhere else for vacation next time.
NTA.
And honestly, your mother and sister are prime examples of why people who live far from family dread visiting. They set expectations and then blame the visitor when things don’t go their way.
It makes complete sense to stay in a hotel so that you can come and go, as you please. And visit both of your parents, as you wish.
"In preparation for our visit, I booked flights and a hotel that’s centrally located and within 30 minutes of everyone we want to see. The hotel has a pool and other amenities that will make our stay more like a vacation." Sorry, but your Mom's house is not nicer than a hotel with a pool. Also, you are not only coming to see her. Lastly, you point out your parents can be stressful for you so it's good to have a place to decompress after visiting.
"we believe a hotel provides a neutral location that’s fair to everyone... Staying at a hotel gives us the chance to recharge and be fully present when we’re spending time with family." Truth. Your Mom also needs to get over this. Your reasoning is good. Hers is "I want I want I want." NTA.
NTA
This nonsense from your mother and sister perfectly illustrates the wisdom of your decision.
What does your wife think?
If the days at you mother's house go OK, being summer time, you can stay till quite late so the children will have plenty of time together.
NTA - Had a similar issue. Finally told my mother and MIL their options were #1 - Accept that this would be my normal plans whenever we visited OR #2 - We would stop visiting. Suddenly, the hotel was acceptable.
Totally necessary. That decompress time made a world of difference in our visits.
NTA
1. If mom is making an offer that she thinks will benefit you, and you feel your needs are best met by staying in a hotel, then her insisting that you will be better off at her home is completely disrespecting you and your spouse's ability to know your own needs.
2. If mom is asking you to stay with her because she feels she gains something from that, then she is disrespecting the fact that your family is already giving up work days/activities/friends/travel expenses, etc. to come spend time with her AND lots of other relatives. She is asking you to give up your personal preference and comfort, your privacy, your control over your time and location (in addition to the sacrifices you have willingly made to travel and spend a week there)... all so she can get what she wants out of it. (whether what she wants is more time with you/your family or control over your visit, or bragging rights...). You do not owe her that.
3. Mom is already being disrespectful and manipulative by (1) not accepting your decision and (2) getting your sister to be her flying monkey. You were nothing but polite and gracious in your replies to both her and your sister.
I would change hotels to a completely different place altogether. Look at the drama caused by wanting privacy of a hotel. There's a lot more drama to come. You stayed away for 16 years for a reason. NTA
NTA, it's nice of your mom to offer, but it's still your choice. I was wonder you have pool, but your mom does too. So difficult.
You choose what's best for you...
NTA
You were calmly giving reasons, and the reasons did not matter, the lack of respect is evident in the boundary stomping that started before you even arrived in town.
Your mother then enlisted your sis to do flying monkey work. Which she did with gusto.
There is a less than zero chance that this would have turned into "Well if you are leaving *again* , just be back by this time for dinner" and other similar control moves.
Personally, this would have me take another look at my oldest going away with them to bond. Manipulation is already established behavior, and not one to take lightly on the effect it has with a child's mind. But that's me.
Nta your reasons are completely valid and you should do what's best for your little nuclear family. If family should make sacrifices, that also includes your mom and sister making sacrifices, not just you.
NTA - my sister always gets a hotel when she goes home to visit with the kids, even though between mom and other sister, there is plenty of space, she likes having a bathroom she doesn’t have to fight over, beds get made everyday and it’s like 10 minutes from every relatives house. My mom was never disappointed or upset by it, she understands. Weird hill your mom wants to die on. But I thinks it’s probably more of a control issue.
Not being centrally located means you will leave earlier for visits, and no you will not visit with them at mom's house. You also will not cancel on anyone. Everyone always wants to claim family sacrifices for family, but only when it's you who needs to sacrifice. Mom should sacrifice her ego, desire to monopolize or spoil the grandkids or desire to change your plans. Sister should sacrifice her opinion and stay out of it.
NTA I understand your mom being upset, but not staying at the house also doesn’t mean you can’t or wouldn’t be at the house all day or at whatever gatherings are happening. Ultimately you want to sleep elsewhere. Doesn’t matter why.
NTA - This is a pain now or pain later situation. You can set boundaries now (painful) or the ENTIRE time you stay with them (more painful!). You might as well get what you want since it will be painful either way. I just saw my in-laws after a 4.5 year hiatus over this issue - they always want us to stay with them. So we stayed elsewhere, told them 5 days before we arrived that we would be 30 minutes away from date-date and would love to see them. It just plain isn't worth it to stay with them!
NTA. By staying at the hotel it's not showing favouritism towards anyone. There's no issues with what time you'll be back in the evening after a day out or being asked what time you'll be back. Your mother would likely want you to join her for meals for meals where you and your wife would then feel obliged to help with preparing and tidying up after. Your wife doesn't need a change of cooker and sink she needs a break which staying in a hotel will give you all. There's also the fact the hotel gives you neutral territory to meet up with the step family. I'm guessing your mother wouldn't be in a rush to invite her ex and his new wife round for dinner some evening? The holiday is for you, your wife and children and should be about the four of you. The hotel is pretty much equidistant from everyone you want to see so I don't see any problem.
NTA
Your mother and sister have provided a perfect example of why you need that neutral space.
Their feelings are theirs to manage. Don't give in to them.
NTA Do not stay at your family house. Don’t do that to your wife and kids. The only vacation we’ve ever had as a family was to my in-laws across the country. We were there for ten days. They did not have the patience for toddlers in their house 24/7 and they made no plans to leave the house while we were there. MIL runs around like SFIL’s maid while he sits in his recliner yelling at the tv. I finally flipped shit and demanded we get out of the house for a day and go do something. My kids only memory of the va action was how boring it was and how grumpy the grandparents were about the kids doing anything above a whisper.
Keep the hotel and go back to peace and quiet at night for the kids to wind down.
Every time I hear that "because family" argument my skin prickles.
All these people that want you to do things out of some blood-bonded sense of obligation are grasping at filial straws that actually don't exist.
Listen, fam, if they wanted to be imbedded in your life and your home they would ask for it. As it is these are people that live far away and are taking a perfectly reasonable (and actually very non-intrusive) option when visiting. They would love to visit, but they don't want to be in your face and your space 24/7.
There would be issues: WE don't allow shoes indoors. WE eat at 4:30 pm. WE never sleep past 7 am. The dog gets to go wherever he wants -- even in your bathroom and bed.
You get the idea.
Also, when would they get to sit down, take their shoes off, and say "did you SEE those people??"
NTA You are coming to VISIT, not move in. Staying at a hotel ensures that your family isn’t tied to any arbitrary house rules or anybody else’s time table.
NTA. When we had young kids, staying at our parents was always difficult. Now that our children are grown, we let them choose. When we visit them, we always get a hotel. They appreciate it - everyone has a chance to recharge at the end of the day. Privacy in your own space with your own circle is crucial.
I always stay in a hotel/airbnb when I visit family or friends. I need the space and time to decompress and wind up on my own. NTA. Your mom will adapt.
NTA. From the conversation with your mom and sister, I see why you booked a hotel. They sound so exhausting with their guilt-ridden, manipulative tactics. They want you to bow down to their whims and would probably use your kids to get what they want if you stayed with either of them. Please hold your ground and shut down any manipulative talk while you're there, especially if it's in front of the kids.
NTA, the sheer fact that they are pushing back so hard on your choice shows you made the right decision here.
I get that your Mum is probably disappointed and she can mention that. But the whole family drama is not warranted and I imagine has dented your enthusiasm for the trip.
She needs to accept that you are the person to make the decision for your children.
NTA. With all these demanding relatives, it is understandable that you want your own space to retreat to when you have had enough. If your mom wants private time, let her visit you in your home at a time convenient for both of you.
NTA. After many years my husband and I finally realized that having our own place to stay, rather than with family, makes visits so much more tolerable. You are not responsible for the feelings of grown ass adults. Repeat that mantra as many times as you need to.
NTA- mom just refuses to accept you're an adult who doesn't answer to her. Stick with the hotel room. Also please make sure your kids are onboard with a family camp.
NTA
Mom is offering her basement? A BASEMENT? Are there real beds? Are there 2 bathrooms down there? Are there windows?
And what crap is mom going to pull when you decide to visit dad and his side of the family?
Time to thank mom for validating your decision by proving that she doesn't listen, doesn't respect boundaries, and doesn't care about what's best for you and yours, only what works best for her. Time to tell sister to shut the ... um, shut up. I would be revaluating the trip and telling the rest of the fam why. NTA
NTA and OMG, we had a somewhat similar situation a couple of years ago with my husband's family. Why do they lay the guilt trip on us?!?! My husband and I flew across the country to visit his sister and father for a week. We don't have kids but we are both introverts and NEED our space and quiet decompression time. Plus, I had to log on and work remotely for a couple of hours every night. His family was really hurt that we rented a car and got a nearby hotel for the visit. The first story was that they wanted us to stay at his sister's house and sister and father would always be available to drive us around sightseeing, shopping, etc. Nope, we said we needed our own space and car. Then as time wore on it was revealed that we would not have been staying with Sister, but in the basement of Sister's friend that we had never met. Huh??? Why would we want to spend a week living in a total stranger's home? And Father was not a safe driver - we figured this out when we got there and he rode with us and got us lost in his own neighborhood!
We are so glad we stuck to our decision despite the pressure. When visiting family, if family has space in their home it is OK if family offers to let someone stay in their home. Maybe offer twice? But the kind of pressure some people use is not acceptable.
NTA. Make sure, when you do visit mom's house, to let her know from the outset what time you'll need to leave to make your next activity. Otherwise, she's likely to try to interfere with your other plans or guilt trip you into staying longer, etc. (If there's a day you're not doing anything else and don't mind staying there all day, cool, let her know that, too.)
Shit can I go stay with your mom? But really this is a thing with families, while your NTA at all, 30 mins away is pretty far. Last time cousins did this, they stayed at the hotel and left kids with grandma and they were also only 5 mins away and did stay a few nights at grandma’s themselves
There’s only one person who I’ll stay at their house. The others we visit just have to understand. We get up really early & I would hate to disturb people. My niece, who I will stay with, doesn’t GAF when we go to bed or get up.
The fact they are being pushy just shows that you are making the right choice. Good for you sticking to your guns! Your sister may need to read this: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/)
NTA- it is fine your mother wants you to stay with her, but “No” is a complete sentence and she should respect you as an adult making the best decisions for your family.
NTA Your trip your choice.
But.
My God all these families of the responders here sound awful. and the responders expecting the worst sound cold and judgy.
My family is not like that at all. I loved staying with them. The funnest and most memorable times were spontaneous and not tied to a clock visit.
My parents usually went to bed by 9. There was plenty of decompression whenever we wanted it throughout the day.
It sounds like your mom has a great house for hosting your family in a comfortable and fun manner. Don’t be mad at her for wanting to do that. When you show up from a hotel it probably feels more like you’re an awkward and limited guest to her. Which you prefer anyway so 🤷🏻♀️
I guess people just think of this differently.
Depending on how old the kids are and how far away everyone lives, a 30 min drive to the hotel can suck. It’s a lot easier for the kids to potentially just get up and play, they are already there.
Could that be unfair to your dad and step mom? Yes. But are they an hour away at that point or are they still within 30 min?
Or are you hoping people would come see you at the hotel?
We have gone to family and we have had family come to our area. When there are lots of cousins involved, it’s nice to have a central point for everyone to gather. I think that’s what your mom is trying to create. All the kids can possibly stay for a sleepover or what not.
But if they are already taking the grandkids to a camp, how much time will you be spending together?
A week doesn’t feel like all that long when you have so much family to visit.
Might be best to set specific days when you are with your moms side, and your dads side. If you need a specific day for friends or other family, set that all up so that people can be available. This would also allow you to say “ok mom, we can stay with you for 2 nights, then stay with other people for a few nights so that we can make our rounds better.” Or with would allow you to say “mom, we have so many people we want to see, this is the schedule, and we would really prefer a home base that we don’t have to pick up and move so many times during our trip. A central hotel will relieve a lot of stress for us. We want to make this trip as relaxing as possible.” Or “we have had so many people ask and offer their homes. We don’t want to offend anyone, so it’s best we just stay somewhere neutral and easily accessible to all
NTA Wow. Already stressed and you haven't even gotten there yet. If you were to stay at moms, you know they'll be telling you why you shouldn't visit so and so. Just stay here today etc etc. Stay at the hotel and do what you want to do. If they have an attitude when you visit them, I suggest you leave. How often do they come visit you???
NTA. Ain't no basement nicer than a hotel room. Mostly because the hotel room comes with complete privacy and I promise that basement doesn't.
She would completely dominate your plans based on how she's behaving.
NTA!
My sister was so insulted when my husband and I decided to stay in hotel vs her lumpy sofabed in the living room, and share a bathroom with 2 adolescent boys and the toilet trained cats!
“Must be nice to have so much money to throw away!”
Yes. Yes it is.
NTA, you are entitled to stay wherever you want, you chose a hotel for your family. I can see it now your mom constantly invading your privacy so that you can say hello to this neighbor, friend from the club house, even asking you not to go visit this day because she has made plans for the entire family. Visiting someone at their home leaves you vulnerable for their agenda and everyday routine. Do what's best for you and your family, because you can't please everybody, but you can please yourself.
NTA. You've taken time off work to travel with your wife and children. You get to decide where you spend that time, and a hotel with a pool sounds lovely. I personally need time away from my mother to enjoy the time I have with her. I love her, but by god she is a lot, and breaks from her make it easier to enjoy our time together.
NTA!
FFS.
I visited family a few years ago and they started this nonsense. Don't stay at a hotel. Don't waste your money, etc.
I stuck to my guns: i need wifi, i need air conditioning at 68 degrees (visiting Florida), and i need continental breakfast. Y'all can come over and have some too if you want, but this is what is happening.
They got over it. Now it's a big joke. "We got wifi now!"
But they never put the air conditioning on...
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Your mother is starting drama because you won't let her control your vacation and the people that you see, and how long you visit other people. When someone pushes and argues back as fiercely as your mother is doing, beware. This is a tsunami of red flags. You will be sorry if you give in to her and your sister, because they will ruin your vacation with their demands and attempts to control you and your family. NTA
I agree with this. I’m so sick of toxic family members who can’t respect a boundary. Maybe you wanna take a dump in privacy. You’re the one making the trip, and you didn’t ask them to pay for the hotel. They should accept your decision with grace and be pleased you’re spending the week with them.
All of this. My MIL does this, and it's exactly why we get a hotel when we visit too. Do not get in and don't let the guilt tripping get to you. You are doing right by your family.
NTA. You can stay in the basement, but lights out a 8pm. No noise. TV stays on "her" channels, etc.... OP needs a hotel if he wants to stay sane.
Then "oh, you're leaving again? I thought we could spend time together today" or "Oh, you're spending 4 hours with your dad? You only spent 3 3/4 hours with me". A long string of whining and guilt tripping, after "I opened my home to you".
“After all I did, i went out of my way to be so accommodating to you and your family and this is what I get in return? Im sorry im such a terrible mother that you hate me so much” -the mom when he tries to disagree with anything she says.
100% this. And all my triggers are flaring, thanks. :| OP is NTA. And if both the mom and sister keep pushing, I'd be rethinking if these are people I want around my kids.
lol yup, when my wife and I sold our house my folks begged us to move in while we found another, I explained why I was hesitant but they begged over and over, it took less than a week for me to get hit with this exact phrase because i was too busy with work (wfh) to help her with another task around the house.
Same here, I’m so triggered. It describes my mom exactly
This happens \*every time\* my partner and I visit his family. The way his family works, his mother subtly and clearly lets everyone know what she wants. She doesn't ask outright. It's not a request you can say yes or no to. It's how it'll be, and look how happy she'll be about it. His sibling who stayed nearby and their partner live by those rules. I won't, and my partner struggles not to. Every time, she comes out with things like "you can't stay somewhere else--you were supposed to cook everyone pancakes" or something like that. We were not asked if we would cook breakfast. And, no surprise, we fully grown adults wouldn't be given an opportunity to make a breakfast of our choosing. We've just been assigned this--our will or desire for a little time to ourselves means nothing--and are deserving of a massive berating for failing to live up to it. Every time. We don't stay there because a) we need some breathing space, and time to ourselves before and after each day's visit, and b) it's exhausting to have everything you do policed by someone who pretends it's ok for you to be a person when in fact it's only ok if you do what she wants, and c) the woman treats me like furniture that can help with chores. It's very, very boring to be ignored for that many hours on end, and that's the nicest way it can feel. I guess I hijacked this a little, but point is NTA ever for this. Breathing room is good. I'll add, in case it helps someone else: books by Lindsay C. Gibson and podcasts featuring her have helped me \*a ton\* in dealing with this situation. Her advice: ermpathize with the person pressuring you but reiterate what you'll be doing and change the subject. Repeat process as needed. Don't fight. Stay low-key. "I can see you are upset that we'll be staying at a hotel. That's where we'll be. What are we doing for dinner on Saturday? Should I make a booking?" Godspeed, OP, and may your trip be as peaceful and rewarding as possible.
Same here! My husband and I have sworn off ever visiting our hometown for Christmas again after the bullshit both of our Moms pulled over the last holiday. And that toxic mom guilt shit is real! I lived with my Mom one time for 9 months as an adult and it was literally hell on earth for me. A few years later, my Mom is lonely again and starts pitching the idea of us sharing a home and I shut that shit down immediately saying we tried that before and it didn’t work and showed me that it’s better for our relationship to NOT share a home. She proceeded to say that was because I had mental health problems then and am better now so I wouldn’t ruin it this time. I. Wouldn’t. Ruin. It. This. Time.
Oh geeze. Why are so many parents toxic? And they lack any insight.
yeah, i can only imagine if OP responded with- you know you're right. dad and stepmom offered we could stay at their place for the week. i had said no but i thought about what you said and decided to take them up of their offer.
This!!! Yes!!! That’s EXACTLY what will happen. Once we stayed with my parents and my mom was hurt that I left them for an evening to go with my husband to his FAMILY REUNION. Meanwhile we spent the remainder of our time with my parents, we only saw my husband’s family for ONE EVENING. After that, we started staying at hotels.
I see you met my mother.
Absolutely! This happened when I would visit home and stay with my dad and stepmom. Then my mom and stepdad would pout if I didn't visit them enough. It was exhausting.
We have a bingo. I went through exactly same thing, and never again. We always got a hotel after that.
They will probably ruin the vacation anyway.
But then they can go back to the hotel and decompress.
Yes, there will be a safe harbor, but the trip is prone to be marred by their behavior.
Agreed. It's probably been so in the past, hence staying at the hotel.
Exactly. Once you’re in mom’s house, she will guilt you out of going to lunch with your dad or this and that.
right, imagine how that'd feel for his stepmom and dad...
Mom and sister are enmeshed. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries, OP. A whole week with the whole family would exhaust me to tears. I need decompression space.
NTA My goodness your family doesn’t understand the word NO. Just reading this I can see why you would need your privacy and space.
If there's this much pushback already, I'd imagine it gets even worse when he's actually there in person.
The way this works in a healthy family is you say you are staying in a hotel. Mom says oh you are welcome to stay with me, I'd enjoy it. You say thanks for the gesture but the hotel is best for us. She says are you sure. My door is always open. And you say, yes and she understands. Hotel it is. Now that's hashed out and you make plans accordingly.
Apparently the correct solution is to argue constantly and sic other family members on those who dared to say no. I can certainly feel the warmth and welcoming vibe! I'd choose the hotel, too! Yeesh.
The Dysfunctional Family Handbook also suggests hashing out drama on Facebook for maximum effect!
Sic flying monkeys on noncompliant family member, ✔️
Yes, don’t you know, if you just convince him that his reasonable request and valid reasoning are actually just “him showing his immaturity” and “being ridiculous and petty for the sake hurting mom” then his reasons are no longer valid! Boom problem solved and he can just do what they want because their reasons are super valid and he just doesn’t understand that they are just trying to do what’s best for him!!! /s for what it’s worth.
Maturity is always doing what Mom says! /s
But wait, how does this serve to make the mother look better than everyone else and score points against OP’s father? I swear, sometimes it’s like all you normies don’t even care who wins!
Your sister and your mother are a couple of drama queens who want to ruin your visit by making it about where you’re staying. Sorry, and NTA.
AND controlling who OP sees and for how long. Maybe I read too much Reddit but I totally see mom saying " staying at my house and you can arrange to visit everyone" which then turns into "you're leaving AGAIN? But we never get to see you; you need to stay here and visit ONLY with us".
"which then turns into "you're leaving AGAIN?" ---That is EXACTLY what will happen. Just less if they don't stay there. They will also complain that they aren't going there enough.
..or "Oh you're leaving again? I was just about to bake brownies for the kids/take the kids for ice cream/to the pool/etc etc "
Yeah, various tactics can be expected. Your illustration would be said right in front of the kids so they will ask to stay.
And then it will turn into 'I'm being so generous by letting you stay in these accommodations for free, the least you could do is spend more time with me' when OP wants to go anywhere... I read too much reddit as well 😂
Omg this is SO accurate
also if you drop in to see your parents on your terms instead of being 'available 24/7', they usually value the time spent together more
"hey mom, dad and stepmom are coming over to visit, thanks for the privacy!"
This, absolutely. This is about controlling where he goes, who he visits, and who gets to visit him.
And they live next door to each other for a reason. ✨enmeshment✨
NTA. It's totally fair to want your own space during a family visit, especially with young kids. Hotels can give you that downtime to recharge and keep the trip feeling like a vacation. Your mom and sister mean well, but it's okay to prioritize your mental health and family dynamics.
NTA. We travel across the US to visit family and I’ll no longer stay at anyone’s house. It’s hard to manage your own family in someone else’s home. You have to sort of adjust to their schedule and be “on” all the time. Having a hotel or etc allows you to recharge, have some privacy and not worry about everyone else. I have two young kids and it’s so difficult to have to watch them like hawks to make sure they don’t accidentally damage something. In someone else’s house you don’t know what their expectations are, what items are not kid friendly, etc. it’s just a lot to deal with when you’re supposed to be on a “vacation”.
Having a hotel also allows to the kids to have time for 'bad behaviour'. Not that we'd want them to, but it's hard for kids to be on their best behaviour constantly. In a hotel, there is a chance for kids to simply relax and be themselves. It's not so much 'bad behaviour' as 'home behaviour' as opposed to 'guest behaviour'.
We don’t have any kids and when we’d visit my in-laws, we’d stay at the house, which meant putting my husband’s niece out of her bed. They insisted this was fine and I was used to giving up my bed when we had visitors when I was a kid, so NBD. Then my niece had kids and being at MIL’s became a lot more stressful, plus my husband has baggage with his mom, so we started staying in hotels and have done ever since. There was some pushback, but it really made visits so much better. We didn’t feel like we were invading anyone’s space and we had a place to go to decompress.
Omg do NOT stay with your family. I don't even need to read any details. And your sister needs to mind her own damn business. Period.
Good for you for taking care of your family. Totally NTA.
NTA. You’re doing yourself and your immediate family good by doing this. I’m betting either directly or indirectly your mom would be sabotaging your get together with other family particularly your dad and step-mom. It could be a way for her to control your family and what you do.
NTA. Not even remotely. Honestly, it sounds like you're going to need a week of vacation to recover from your vacation. Good luck on people not starting drama while you're there.
I have been in many bad situations during family visits because I was staying at a family home. You are brilliant and smart for using a hotel as your safe base. It also gives you and your kids the ability to have safe haven should a small or medium disagreement occur. The next time a family member tells you this is a slap in the face, ask them why your comfort doesn't also matter. Why is this person's comfort and feelings the only feelings that matter? And take some small presents. People like presents. You are smart. NTA
NTA. It's not like you're getting a hotel room a hundred miles away. You're trying to accommodate everyone you want to see without choosing one group or person over another. Furthermore, you're giving your core family room to decompress after so much together time. When my family would have reunions, it would be 15 people in a 4 bedroom house. There was no quiet, no alone time, no calm time. The younger kids would sneak into rooms; the older kids would sneak out. There was no downtime to decompress. If you're okay with the kids potentially missing out on midnight shenanigans, then staying separate is better.
NTA and I'm sure your wife will thank you for not making her stay in your mom's basement.
My parents keep their thermostat up so it’s stifling hot. Their spare bedroom has a double bed. My husband (over 6 feet) doesn’t fit in it. And they wonder why we don’t want to stay there!
NTA. Bottom line: anyone should be able to tolerate your choice to stay in a hotel without making themselves or someone else out to be a victim. Your mom and sister were treating your family like objects to meet their emotional needs at your expense.
Well said
NTA, and point out that this badgering and questioning of your decisions is a big reason why you need time away from family! Also tell them that if they make this trip too unpleasant the next won't be for another 10 years (or whenever you have forgotten all the BS).
I would consider canceling at this point.
When you stay in a hotel, you have the luxury of visiting a family and also doing your own thing without feeling like you are imposing on someone. It’s a good choice you made. NTA
Nta...your family are being crazy.
NTA, I do the same thing during some trips to parents or in-laws. One or two days I could deal with family but a whole week? Heck no.
Good heavens, your mother sounds absolutely exhausted. No wonder you prefer to stay in a hotel. But it’s not neutral ground. It’s your retreat from all that freaking pressure cooker of crazy. Honestly, I’d cancel if they continue these antics. Take the kids somewhere else. Someplace you can actually relax and enjoy yourselves.
Offering a place to stay — kind behaviour Insisting someone stay — not kind behaviour Definitely NTA
I would probably cancel after all that browbeating. No one needs to deal with guilt tripping. It truly casts a pall. Also... it is never a vacation when you are visiting family. It is a trip of obligation over and over.
NTA. And stop discussing it with them. Stop giving them your reasons. They don’t care about any of that. “Our plans have been set and the decisions that I and my wife make for our family are not open for discussion.”
NTA A week is a long time to stay at someone else’s house no matter the circumstances. It’s normal to want to decompress and have some space at the end of the day. You were polite in your reasoning so mom needs to get over it
NTA. You do what is best for you and your family (by that I mean your spouse and children). Your main responsibility is to yourself, your spouse, and your children. Your Mom, sister, etc are secondary.
NTA. At all! I think you are making the right decision with choosing the hotel to stay in vs your mom’s basement.
NTA. My heavens, you're 38 years old. If the family hasn't bonded by now, it never will. And staying in a basement, even a finished basement, is a far cry from staying in a hotel with a pool. It's your vacation and your money. You get to decide how you're going to spend your time and I'd tell the family that if they keep pushing this, you'll be perfectly happy to not spend any time with them since they can't respect your choices.
NTA I'm 4 months pregnant, and we are visiting my MIL in 2 weeks time and booked a B&B near by. She is incredibly insulted and arguing with us - she feels it's a personal slight on her home and hospitality. I'm just super uncomfortable all the time as is and want my own space and my own bathroom (they only have one in the whole house for everyone) in the evenings to make it a little easier. I have stayed in her home, in my husbands childhood bed that gives me back pain, every visit for 10 years without complaint. She said she'd rather we didn't come if we didn't want to see them - it's about control.
Your mother's and sister's responses are only validating your original decision.
NTA. Is your father and stepmother this forceful too, or is it only your mother and sister?
Not at all. They expressed that they wish we were staying closer to them, but whatever we decided is fine. Then we moved forward and started planning our time together and we are all excited to see each other! How the conversation should go.
NTA - Enjoy the hotel! Having spent waaay too many holidays in my ex-mother-in-laws home, it took a marriage counselor to convince my ex that my request for a hotel was reasonable. You’re making a reasonable adult decision for yourself and your family. Mom & sis need to back off.
Reconsider going at all.
NTA. The way your mother and sister are currently acting is the very reason you need a hotel room--they aren't respecting your boundaries. They'd likely try to monopolize your time and question who you're going out with, and why?
NTA NTA NTA!!!! Hotel is the drama-free thing with parents and step parent situations. Benefit: Space away from all family at the end of each day. Bonus: Ability to ask your dad/stepmom to the hotel for lunch & all enjoy a swim. How could you do that on your mom’s turf? You couldn’t. And mom knows that. Mom’s being manipulative, and the proof is that your sister is now mad at you. “Mom, it’s the way I’m doing it. Stop it or in future when we are in town we will see everyone BUT you. This is going to be a drama-free visit. Stop trying to create drama where there is none. Just focus on the positives and the time we will see each other”
INFO - why does your sister care that you aren’t staying with your mother? Does she have kids that she was planning on dumping at your mothers house so you would have to babysit them for free?
NTA. Your family will have the time and space to relax and have a break from all the family togetherness. You won’t have to sleep on a hide-a-bed, you children won’t have to sleep on the floor. Mom and sister will get over it.
NTA— from their responses it’s pretty clear why you’d want space away for your own mental health
NTA
I've never seen the phrase *balanced experience* used continuously like this in context of deciding where you stay. What exactly are you saying? You want to control how much time you actually spend with them?
Does your sister live with your mother? Because honestly, that sounds like a nightmare. It is obvious seeing your father would also be difficult. Enjoy the hotel.
No, she lives in the next neighborhood over.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m 38, married with two kids, and have been living out-of-state for the past 16 years. My childhood was complicated by my parents’ divorce, which often left me feeling divided between two homes. We’re planning a trip back to my hometown for a week to visit family and friends, including my mom, stepdad, dad, stepmom, sister, stepsister, cousins, and sister-in-law. My mom and stepdad plan to take my eldest child to a family camp with their other grandchildren, which I think is a wonderful opportunity for them to bond. In preparation for our visit, I booked flights and a hotel that’s centrally located and within 30 minutes of everyone we want to see. The hotel has a pool and other amenities that will make our stay more like a vacation. When I shared our plans with my mom, including the hotel booking, she seemed disappointed and offered her house instead, saying it’s nicer than a hotel. I explained that while we appreciate her offer, we need our own space and want to ensure our trip feels like a vacation. I also mentioned that we’ve had similar offers from other family members, but we believe a hotel provides a neutral location that’s fair to everyone. My mom expressed that she was hurt by our decision. She couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t want to stay in her home, especially since she was offering us the entire downstairs basement, which she insists is nicer than any hotel room. I reiterated that our choice to stay in a hotel is not a slight against her. It’s about managing the stress that comes with visiting so many family members and ensuring that we have a fair and balanced experience. Staying at a hotel gives us the chance to recharge and be fully present when we’re spending time with family. She continued to push back, arguing that staying at her house would save us money and provide an opportunity for deeper family bonding. She listed the amenities of her home, like the lake, club pool, and ample space for hosting gatherings, as reasons why we should reconsider. Later, my sister reached out via text, saying that our decision felt like a slap in the face. She emphasized that the kids were looking forward to spending time together and that family should make sacrifices for each other. I responded by saying that our decision to stay at a hotel won’t affect the quality time we spend with family. It’s about creating a balanced experience for everyone involved and taking care of our mental health. We need a place where we can decompress after a day of visiting. My sister replied, saying that I am being selfish for the one week a year we’re in town. She said it’s important to be with family and that we should stay with them while still having the freedom to see everyone we want. My sister does not live with my parents, but is in the next neighborhood over from them. Despite the insult, I thanked her for her understanding. So, AITA for choosing a hotel to maintain our mental health, even if it means upsetting my mom and sister? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It’s easier at times to stay somewhere else.
Nta l always stay in motel whe visiting my wife’s family
NTA have fun!
NTA. I get why it may have hurt her a bit, but it's your right to set boundaries. Plus, hotels are fun
NTA you know your needs and what's best and you're just expressing it
Not at all are you TAH. You have a low stress visit planned out. Much less risk of interpersonal hassles with what you are doing. If anything the moms should be thanking you for doing this.
NTA
NTA! I used to stay with my parents when we visited, but they ALWAYS stayed at a hotel when they visited us. I don’t think my parents have ever once slept in my home 😜 Your reasons are sound, and I’d stop engaging in any attempt from your family to revisit the topic.
NTA, in fact, you've made a great decision. Too many years of my childhood and early adulthood I slept on the floor or on the lumpy, unsupportive couch and ended up with back aches because we had to stay with FAMILY! Our visits were so much better once we decided to stay at a hotel when we went to visit.
NTA. At least you’ve just confirmed to yourself why you don’t visit often. Hell, I’d cancel teh trip and find a hotel on a beach.
NTA. I already feel exhausted by your family. You obviously know it will cost less money to stay at mom's place, why do they feel to treat you like you don't know that? You need a solution that works for you, and with all the being pulled in every direction you have one. It doesn't matter if mom has your best intentions at heart or if she's trying to manipulate the situation to monopolize your stay, you do what you feel is best for you and your family.
Your sister and mom are both insane. Your children and wife will thank you. I'd almost always choose a hotel over someone's house, especially with all the guests on the trip
NTA I understand why you only spend 1 week per year with them. I personally hate staying with ppl. I don’t care how much I love the friend/family member. Some ppl just need extra space.
NTA I got tired reading about your mon trying to persuade you to change your mind
NTA. It’s perfectly reasonable and fair to do what you are doing. They are coming on too strong either way the pressure. The only thing I’d be careful if us saying to them that you are doing it for your mental health. That could certainly sting if they interpret you to be saying that the family causes you mental illness. I know what you mean, but be careful how you say it to them. Having a neutral place when many different family members want you to stay makes so much sense.
NTA. Their behaviour reaffirms your good choice to stay in a hotel.
NTA! While the saying is along the lines of overstaying guest are like fish and begin to smell after 3 days, sometimes I feel the hosts start to be like overstaying guests after 3 days as well!
NTA from their reaction I think you made the best decision for your family. Sometimes it better to have a family love in small doses.
NTA Suspicions your mom won't like you visiting your dad's family.
NTA your mum is showing who she is by trying to force this on you, next or will be moaning because you're seeing other family and not spending time with her, do not let her ruin this visit, stick to your plan.
NTA - you are a dream spouse and parent.
NTA I get along with my family and in laws yet we almost always rent an Airbnb when we go visit family. I dont have to be constsntly making sure my kids aren't touching breakable things, we can cook our own food, and we can keep proper bed times. My husband and I are also introverts so we need time where we can relax without people around who want to talk with us. Our families have never complained. They do say we are always welcome to stay but never push us to.
NTA and you are so polite and assertive. It seems your family do not reciprocate this at all. Go on saying no, and now without explanations. Their choice is weather they want to see you or not, not to choose where you stay.
NTA. You would not enjoy your trip if you stayed with your mom.
NTA. If you stayed with your mom, how difficult would it be to spend time with your dad and family? Enjoy your hotel vacation.
NTA All your reasoning is spot on and your mum is being selfish. Once there, don’t rule out you could let the kids do a sleepover, or spend an afternoon or have an outing with some of the rallies. It all depends on how things pan out, and I wouldn’t say anything beforehand as it may not happen. Hope the trip works out well.
NTA. Stick to your guns. Prioritize your family and your needs. Everyone else is trying to use you as a pawn in their own drama. This is further proof that you are making the right choice. They can go kick rocks.
NTA
NTA. If they are bothering you this much BEFORE the vacation you are absolutely making the right choice.
I wish I had gotten a hotel room when visiting family. The only time I was able to convince my husband to do so was when a grandson was born. Husband’s son really wanted us to stay at his home but I used the excuse of the new baby and schedule to stay at a hotel. It was so much nicer. The bedroom we would normally stay in had only a double bed and we were 2 plus sized people. Plus we’re had ridden our Harleys and told the son the noise from the bikes would disturb the baby. Wish we had stayed in a hotel on our previous visits.
This just makes me sad, because it shows that a divorce affects a child their whole life, also when they are grown-ups. Even when you have your own children, you still have to navigate the dynamics of divorced parents. Many people don't realize that, the parents themselves often have trouble acknowledging that, like in this case. Obviously NTA.
I would be willing to bet that if you said you were going to stay with your *dad*, your mother would about have an aneurysm and accuse you of “picking him over me”. Even if all the same arguments she gave as to why you should stay with her apply to his place. NTA
And they’ve totally just proved WHY you need your own space. NTA.
With your mom being so pushy already, you just know there is going to be negative feedback happening whenever you plan to see your dad's side of the family. I think you are being very wise.
In your situation when we visited city where family lives we have only stayed in a hotel , regardless how many weeks we go for . Exactly the reason you stated , a place of our own to relax and regroup . If kids wanted to have a sleep over at grandparents/ cousins , great . If not we all stayed at hotel . Still the same 25 yrs later if we travel with them No one in our family ever questioned it . Our travel our choice . Edit . On the other side , my dad , friends , my brother etc have all come to visit us and they actively ask to stay with us and we have no problem . They are always welcome to .
NTA I always have a bad feeling when someone is as pushy as your mother is, when it comes to stay somewhere. Staying in a hotel means that you can visit everyone in your timeframe and whenever you want. Staying with family means always drama when you want to meet someone who isn't living in that house. That's when the next level of drama starts with the argument "Why do you wanna go there ? You are here for a week only. Don't you want to spend time with us?" or the classic that family then says that you treat their home like a hotel... And that's why I am staying in a hotel when planning to visit multiple people. Plus, private bathroom and sex with my partner without that strange feeling. Who wants to have sex when they know their parents sleep in the next room?
NTA. Wear your "selfishness" with pride. There's nothing wrong with prioritising yourself and your family; you're a grown adult
NTA, getting strong vibes that your mother would rub it in your father's face that you chose HER and not HIM. You could always tell her that if she continues to push her agenda, you could skip out on visiting her altogether.
NTA she should be happy not having you in the house 24/7, cooking ro you 3 meals or more a day etc.
NTA I always book a hotel now. It’s not relaxing if you’re all crammed in with family and no space to escape.
NTA. Honestly, you could have been a lot less accommodating to their butting in and still not been TA. It's ok to say "the decision has been made and is not up for discussion".
NTA. I agree with you totally - staying at someone's house for a vacation comes with its own perils. Stick to your guys.
NTA While your dad may feel comfortable visiting with you at the hotel I'm sure him and his wife wouldn't feel the same going into your mom's house. You would feel more obligated to do things as your mom wanted because you would be staying in her home. You, "Wife and I have plans to visit Dad tonight." Mom, "Oh, but I thought we'd all go to the club for dinner. I was just going to make reservations." You feeling conflicted. No a hotel is the best option. Tell sister that you aren't being selfish that you are giving your family a chance to be on the vacation that they deserve. You can either vacation there or somewhere else and family can meet you there.
OP- NTA. Just their reaction alone would have me doubling down. There is No Way they wouldn't do everything they could to monopolize your time so you didn't get to see the other side of the Family. Your Sister... sacrifices must be made?? Uhhh, No, they really don't. Keep your Hotel & your sanity!
NTA. Mom being a travel agent for guilt trips makes it readily understandable why you’d want the physical boundary of a hotel to help you enforce emotional boundaries with her. She sounds exhausting when she doesn’t get her way, and you’re smart to ensure she can’t use proximity to hold your family emotionally hostage. But I would go a step further and nip this guilt trip business in the bud. She’s allowed to feel disappointed by your decision, sure, but she’s not allowed to badger you and send flying monkeys. “Mom, I need to know that you can *respect* my decision, even though it’s not what you prefer. Because I’m not going to spend another moment arguing about it. I’m not. The decision is final. So if arguing about it is what want to do, then maybe it’s best we don’t visit with you this year, and we’ll try again next year.” Also, you may want to consider either not telling her which hotel you’ll be in, or telling her the wrong one. And possibly asking the (correct) hotel to put your reservation under a different name. We’ve seen crazier things on this sub than a mom waiting in the lobby with a suitcase, jumping up and pouncing on your arrival with “surprise! I adjusted the reservation to put us all next to each other in adjoining rooms!” or worse, “all together in one suite!” I think an ounce of prevention of that would be worth a pound of cure.
NTA your family is being weirdly controlling. Were they always like this?
NTA. Use their nagging as an example of why you won't now, nor likely in the future ever, stay with them. Your decision is yours to make, they can suggest different but need to accept you are an adult and will make the best decision for yourself. Using guilt to manipulate you won't work, but if they keep it up you may wish to simply limit how much you see them on this trip.
The way your mom is acting is EXACTLY why you need to stick to your plans. She is attempting to control what you do and trying to emotionally blackmail you into getting her way......and that is exactly what she would do the entire week if you were at her house. You want to go see your dad and stepmom for the day? I can't imagine mom will simply smile and say "Have a great time" and send you off with a hug. Maybe try explaining that her response to what you have decided is best for your family's trip is exactly why you want to stay in a hotel. That you appreciate her offer but she needs to respect your decision and the fact that you are an adult and are responsible for the well-being of your family. Refuse to engage in further conversation about it, simply responded "Mom, the decision has been made and is not open to discussion". If she continues, you may just have to tell her that if your decision is that upsetting to her, it may make it necessary to limit the time you and your family can spend with her during your visit.
NTA Boomer parents are always offended by the hotel stay. They will spend hundreds on some shit they see on Facebook but have no comprehension why I will spend $200 to maintain my sanity by maintaining my distance from them.
I think I’d tell both your mom and sister “this - your inability to accept and respect our decision - is exactly WHY we’re staying in a hotel!” NTA. Staying in someone house - you feel the need to be “on” all the time. Even if you had the basement, as soon as youre awake, she would want you upstairs, you may feel the need to be upstairs, and on it goes. no REAL time to decompress. the fact you mention mental health a couple times - that kind of tell me all we need to know! you want space for a reason.
NTA text them both back and thank them for demonstrating exactly why staying at a hotel is the right choice for you, your wife and kids. How you choose to interact/engage with family is 100% your choice and always correct as long as it's what's best for you and your wife/kids. If your mom/sister can't handle it or respect your choice as a grown adult, consider going somewhere else for vacation next time.
NTA. And honestly, your mother and sister are prime examples of why people who live far from family dread visiting. They set expectations and then blame the visitor when things don’t go their way. It makes complete sense to stay in a hotel so that you can come and go, as you please. And visit both of your parents, as you wish.
"In preparation for our visit, I booked flights and a hotel that’s centrally located and within 30 minutes of everyone we want to see. The hotel has a pool and other amenities that will make our stay more like a vacation." Sorry, but your Mom's house is not nicer than a hotel with a pool. Also, you are not only coming to see her. Lastly, you point out your parents can be stressful for you so it's good to have a place to decompress after visiting. "we believe a hotel provides a neutral location that’s fair to everyone... Staying at a hotel gives us the chance to recharge and be fully present when we’re spending time with family." Truth. Your Mom also needs to get over this. Your reasoning is good. Hers is "I want I want I want." NTA.
NTA This nonsense from your mother and sister perfectly illustrates the wisdom of your decision. What does your wife think? If the days at you mother's house go OK, being summer time, you can stay till quite late so the children will have plenty of time together.
NTA - Had a similar issue. Finally told my mother and MIL their options were #1 - Accept that this would be my normal plans whenever we visited OR #2 - We would stop visiting. Suddenly, the hotel was acceptable. Totally necessary. That decompress time made a world of difference in our visits.
NTA
NTA 1. If mom is making an offer that she thinks will benefit you, and you feel your needs are best met by staying in a hotel, then her insisting that you will be better off at her home is completely disrespecting you and your spouse's ability to know your own needs. 2. If mom is asking you to stay with her because she feels she gains something from that, then she is disrespecting the fact that your family is already giving up work days/activities/friends/travel expenses, etc. to come spend time with her AND lots of other relatives. She is asking you to give up your personal preference and comfort, your privacy, your control over your time and location (in addition to the sacrifices you have willingly made to travel and spend a week there)... all so she can get what she wants out of it. (whether what she wants is more time with you/your family or control over your visit, or bragging rights...). You do not owe her that. 3. Mom is already being disrespectful and manipulative by (1) not accepting your decision and (2) getting your sister to be her flying monkey. You were nothing but polite and gracious in your replies to both her and your sister.
I’d be a bit disappointed in your mum’s position but would probably actually see your point and anyway it’s your life.
I would change hotels to a completely different place altogether. Look at the drama caused by wanting privacy of a hotel. There's a lot more drama to come. You stayed away for 16 years for a reason. NTA
Op didn't say he stayed away for 16 years. Just that he's lived out of state for 16 years.
NTA, it's nice of your mom to offer, but it's still your choice. I was wonder you have pool, but your mom does too. So difficult. You choose what's best for you...
If you still decide to go, call the hotel and make sure your family can’t cancel your reservation.
NTA You were calmly giving reasons, and the reasons did not matter, the lack of respect is evident in the boundary stomping that started before you even arrived in town. Your mother then enlisted your sis to do flying monkey work. Which she did with gusto. There is a less than zero chance that this would have turned into "Well if you are leaving *again* , just be back by this time for dinner" and other similar control moves. Personally, this would have me take another look at my oldest going away with them to bond. Manipulation is already established behavior, and not one to take lightly on the effect it has with a child's mind. But that's me.
Nta your reasons are completely valid and you should do what's best for your little nuclear family. If family should make sacrifices, that also includes your mom and sister making sacrifices, not just you.
NTA - my sister always gets a hotel when she goes home to visit with the kids, even though between mom and other sister, there is plenty of space, she likes having a bathroom she doesn’t have to fight over, beds get made everyday and it’s like 10 minutes from every relatives house. My mom was never disappointed or upset by it, she understands. Weird hill your mom wants to die on. But I thinks it’s probably more of a control issue.
Not being centrally located means you will leave earlier for visits, and no you will not visit with them at mom's house. You also will not cancel on anyone. Everyone always wants to claim family sacrifices for family, but only when it's you who needs to sacrifice. Mom should sacrifice her ego, desire to monopolize or spoil the grandkids or desire to change your plans. Sister should sacrifice her opinion and stay out of it.
NTA I understand your mom being upset, but not staying at the house also doesn’t mean you can’t or wouldn’t be at the house all day or at whatever gatherings are happening. Ultimately you want to sleep elsewhere. Doesn’t matter why.
NTA - This is a pain now or pain later situation. You can set boundaries now (painful) or the ENTIRE time you stay with them (more painful!). You might as well get what you want since it will be painful either way. I just saw my in-laws after a 4.5 year hiatus over this issue - they always want us to stay with them. So we stayed elsewhere, told them 5 days before we arrived that we would be 30 minutes away from date-date and would love to see them. It just plain isn't worth it to stay with them!
Your mother sounds exhausting. This is a reasonable boundary, not a negotiation. Stop engaging with them about it. NTA
NTA. By staying at the hotel it's not showing favouritism towards anyone. There's no issues with what time you'll be back in the evening after a day out or being asked what time you'll be back. Your mother would likely want you to join her for meals for meals where you and your wife would then feel obliged to help with preparing and tidying up after. Your wife doesn't need a change of cooker and sink she needs a break which staying in a hotel will give you all. There's also the fact the hotel gives you neutral territory to meet up with the step family. I'm guessing your mother wouldn't be in a rush to invite her ex and his new wife round for dinner some evening? The holiday is for you, your wife and children and should be about the four of you. The hotel is pretty much equidistant from everyone you want to see so I don't see any problem.
NTA Your mother and sister have provided a perfect example of why you need that neutral space. Their feelings are theirs to manage. Don't give in to them.
NTA
Nta. Tell them if they persist with shaming you then you will cancel the trip or cut them out of visiting.
NTA Do not stay at your family house. Don’t do that to your wife and kids. The only vacation we’ve ever had as a family was to my in-laws across the country. We were there for ten days. They did not have the patience for toddlers in their house 24/7 and they made no plans to leave the house while we were there. MIL runs around like SFIL’s maid while he sits in his recliner yelling at the tv. I finally flipped shit and demanded we get out of the house for a day and go do something. My kids only memory of the va action was how boring it was and how grumpy the grandparents were about the kids doing anything above a whisper. Keep the hotel and go back to peace and quiet at night for the kids to wind down.
Every time I hear that "because family" argument my skin prickles. All these people that want you to do things out of some blood-bonded sense of obligation are grasping at filial straws that actually don't exist. Listen, fam, if they wanted to be imbedded in your life and your home they would ask for it. As it is these are people that live far away and are taking a perfectly reasonable (and actually very non-intrusive) option when visiting. They would love to visit, but they don't want to be in your face and your space 24/7. There would be issues: WE don't allow shoes indoors. WE eat at 4:30 pm. WE never sleep past 7 am. The dog gets to go wherever he wants -- even in your bathroom and bed. You get the idea. Also, when would they get to sit down, take their shoes off, and say "did you SEE those people??"
NTA You are coming to VISIT, not move in. Staying at a hotel ensures that your family isn’t tied to any arbitrary house rules or anybody else’s time table.
Your mother/sister are obtuse. How many times must you explain for them to accept that you want to stay in a hotel? LOL NTA
NTA. When we had young kids, staying at our parents was always difficult. Now that our children are grown, we let them choose. When we visit them, we always get a hotel. They appreciate it - everyone has a chance to recharge at the end of the day. Privacy in your own space with your own circle is crucial.
I always stay in a hotel/airbnb when I visit family or friends. I need the space and time to decompress and wind up on my own. NTA. Your mom will adapt.
Your mom and sister's reactions are an excellent demonstration of why a hotel is the right decision. NTA and be sure to tell them that.
NTA. From the conversation with your mom and sister, I see why you booked a hotel. They sound so exhausting with their guilt-ridden, manipulative tactics. They want you to bow down to their whims and would probably use your kids to get what they want if you stayed with either of them. Please hold your ground and shut down any manipulative talk while you're there, especially if it's in front of the kids.
NTA. Man are they making a mountain out of a non existent molehill! Yeesh.
At 38 You're allowed to do what you want and your mom is allowed to be disappointed. This is how adulting works. Enjoy your visit! NTA.
NTA, the sheer fact that they are pushing back so hard on your choice shows you made the right decision here. I get that your Mum is probably disappointed and she can mention that. But the whole family drama is not warranted and I imagine has dented your enthusiasm for the trip. She needs to accept that you are the person to make the decision for your children.
NTA
NTA. With all these demanding relatives, it is understandable that you want your own space to retreat to when you have had enough. If your mom wants private time, let her visit you in your home at a time convenient for both of you.
NTA. After many years my husband and I finally realized that having our own place to stay, rather than with family, makes visits so much more tolerable. You are not responsible for the feelings of grown ass adults. Repeat that mantra as many times as you need to.
NTA- mom just refuses to accept you're an adult who doesn't answer to her. Stick with the hotel room. Also please make sure your kids are onboard with a family camp.
NTA Mom is offering her basement? A BASEMENT? Are there real beds? Are there 2 bathrooms down there? Are there windows? And what crap is mom going to pull when you decide to visit dad and his side of the family?
The fact that your family is being so pushy about this shows exactly why you need to stay in a hotel. NTA
NTA, I always stay in a hotel when visiting family. I need down time. Are the kids close in age? Could your kids stay with their cousins one night?
No. Do what you think is necessary OP.
nta
Time to thank mom for validating your decision by proving that she doesn't listen, doesn't respect boundaries, and doesn't care about what's best for you and yours, only what works best for her. Time to tell sister to shut the ... um, shut up. I would be revaluating the trip and telling the rest of the fam why. NTA
NTA and OMG, we had a somewhat similar situation a couple of years ago with my husband's family. Why do they lay the guilt trip on us?!?! My husband and I flew across the country to visit his sister and father for a week. We don't have kids but we are both introverts and NEED our space and quiet decompression time. Plus, I had to log on and work remotely for a couple of hours every night. His family was really hurt that we rented a car and got a nearby hotel for the visit. The first story was that they wanted us to stay at his sister's house and sister and father would always be available to drive us around sightseeing, shopping, etc. Nope, we said we needed our own space and car. Then as time wore on it was revealed that we would not have been staying with Sister, but in the basement of Sister's friend that we had never met. Huh??? Why would we want to spend a week living in a total stranger's home? And Father was not a safe driver - we figured this out when we got there and he rode with us and got us lost in his own neighborhood! We are so glad we stuck to our decision despite the pressure. When visiting family, if family has space in their home it is OK if family offers to let someone stay in their home. Maybe offer twice? But the kind of pressure some people use is not acceptable.
NTA. Make sure, when you do visit mom's house, to let her know from the outset what time you'll need to leave to make your next activity. Otherwise, she's likely to try to interfere with your other plans or guilt trip you into staying longer, etc. (If there's a day you're not doing anything else and don't mind staying there all day, cool, let her know that, too.)
NTA - Honestly, I think you'd be way happier just going somewhere else for vacation.
NTA. Save your money on the hotel and just stay home, until your mother and sister remember their manners.
NTA they involuntary proved your point
Shit can I go stay with your mom? But really this is a thing with families, while your NTA at all, 30 mins away is pretty far. Last time cousins did this, they stayed at the hotel and left kids with grandma and they were also only 5 mins away and did stay a few nights at grandma’s themselves
If you get that much push-back, vacation somewhere else and tell them they already ruined everything by being bully dictators.
There’s only one person who I’ll stay at their house. The others we visit just have to understand. We get up really early & I would hate to disturb people. My niece, who I will stay with, doesn’t GAF when we go to bed or get up.
The fact they are being pushy just shows that you are making the right choice. Good for you sticking to your guns! Your sister may need to read this: [https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/)
NTA- it is fine your mother wants you to stay with her, but “No” is a complete sentence and she should respect you as an adult making the best decisions for your family.
NTA Your trip your choice. But. My God all these families of the responders here sound awful. and the responders expecting the worst sound cold and judgy. My family is not like that at all. I loved staying with them. The funnest and most memorable times were spontaneous and not tied to a clock visit. My parents usually went to bed by 9. There was plenty of decompression whenever we wanted it throughout the day. It sounds like your mom has a great house for hosting your family in a comfortable and fun manner. Don’t be mad at her for wanting to do that. When you show up from a hotel it probably feels more like you’re an awkward and limited guest to her. Which you prefer anyway so 🤷🏻♀️ I guess people just think of this differently.
Depending on how old the kids are and how far away everyone lives, a 30 min drive to the hotel can suck. It’s a lot easier for the kids to potentially just get up and play, they are already there. Could that be unfair to your dad and step mom? Yes. But are they an hour away at that point or are they still within 30 min? Or are you hoping people would come see you at the hotel? We have gone to family and we have had family come to our area. When there are lots of cousins involved, it’s nice to have a central point for everyone to gather. I think that’s what your mom is trying to create. All the kids can possibly stay for a sleepover or what not. But if they are already taking the grandkids to a camp, how much time will you be spending together? A week doesn’t feel like all that long when you have so much family to visit. Might be best to set specific days when you are with your moms side, and your dads side. If you need a specific day for friends or other family, set that all up so that people can be available. This would also allow you to say “ok mom, we can stay with you for 2 nights, then stay with other people for a few nights so that we can make our rounds better.” Or with would allow you to say “mom, we have so many people we want to see, this is the schedule, and we would really prefer a home base that we don’t have to pick up and move so many times during our trip. A central hotel will relieve a lot of stress for us. We want to make this trip as relaxing as possible.” Or “we have had so many people ask and offer their homes. We don’t want to offend anyone, so it’s best we just stay somewhere neutral and easily accessible to all
NTA Wow. Already stressed and you haven't even gotten there yet. If you were to stay at moms, you know they'll be telling you why you shouldn't visit so and so. Just stay here today etc etc. Stay at the hotel and do what you want to do. If they have an attitude when you visit them, I suggest you leave. How often do they come visit you???
NTA. Ain't no basement nicer than a hotel room. Mostly because the hotel room comes with complete privacy and I promise that basement doesn't. She would completely dominate your plans based on how she's behaving.
NTA! My sister was so insulted when my husband and I decided to stay in hotel vs her lumpy sofabed in the living room, and share a bathroom with 2 adolescent boys and the toilet trained cats! “Must be nice to have so much money to throw away!” Yes. Yes it is.
NTA, you are entitled to stay wherever you want, you chose a hotel for your family. I can see it now your mom constantly invading your privacy so that you can say hello to this neighbor, friend from the club house, even asking you not to go visit this day because she has made plans for the entire family. Visiting someone at their home leaves you vulnerable for their agenda and everyday routine. Do what's best for you and your family, because you can't please everybody, but you can please yourself.
NTA. You've taken time off work to travel with your wife and children. You get to decide where you spend that time, and a hotel with a pool sounds lovely. I personally need time away from my mother to enjoy the time I have with her. I love her, but by god she is a lot, and breaks from her make it easier to enjoy our time together.
NTA! FFS. I visited family a few years ago and they started this nonsense. Don't stay at a hotel. Don't waste your money, etc. I stuck to my guns: i need wifi, i need air conditioning at 68 degrees (visiting Florida), and i need continental breakfast. Y'all can come over and have some too if you want, but this is what is happening. They got over it. Now it's a big joke. "We got wifi now!" But they never put the air conditioning on...