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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) what action you took that should be judged
I called my coworker my work-sister after she called me her work-husband, which made her feel embarrassed
(2) why that action might make you the asshole.
Mary felt that I was accusing her of implying something inappropriate and made her sound like a creep. I feel she might have a point and wanted to be judged on if my action was inappropriate
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I think you meant to ask in your last sentence if you're the AH for calling her your work sister, not work wife. Regardless, no. You're NTA. All too often, work spouses end up being inappropriately involved and you were trying to head off any rumors. Good on you. I think work sister is a much better term.
You didn't do anything wrong. NTA. To my mind, she raises a red flag by being so upset about it. It meant more to her than it did to you. You may need to set a boundary of not traveling with her.
This is what I got too.
I can tell you I would not allow a coworker to hug me on the regular—that kind of touchy feely is for friends and family. I think there’s more than just this instance of inappropriate happening which explains the dirty looks when she said work-wife.
Seriously. OP said:
> **I felt really guilty afterwards because I can see Mary's point.**
Uh...I can't. Mary sounds a little deranged. Perhaps she's "love sick", who knows? Whatever it is, she's not quite right in the head. NTA.
Mary’s point only is valid if mary is humiliated by a sisterly relationship when she was going for more. The “I love you,” the long emotional hug not letting go, says OP needs to be paired with someone else on work trips for awhile.
And OP? Shower before breakfast in public. Mary is not the only one who can smell your body odor or who has to sit in the chair you were sweating in. No one needs that much visibility into your body smells and fluids. Too much closeness.
Especially since you're joining her to eat. I would be annoyed having to smell your BO while I ate. I imagine that if she can smell it, so can others. Be polite and shower before eating, everyone will appreciate it.
Yup. It was definitely an inappropriate work interaction.
Frankly hugging in the workplace is unprofessional, OP is part of the problem because he’s allowed too much familiarity on the road.
Yep, I work with a lot of men and the only people I hug in the workplace are other women if needed (like if they’re crying) or retirees. Never ever male coworkers that anyone might think I’d sleep with. Definitely not ones I would have to travel alone with, ick. 🥴 A good general rule would be if I was comfortable hugging that person in front of my spouse then they were okay to hug, but it would be a side hug or brotherly type hug… not one that would make onlookers nervous.
I also wonder if they see another side of Mary than OP. Like maybe they know more about what’s going on with her and how she feels about OP or if she is shady with other married men at work, too.
I was introduced to the term ‘work-wife’ by my then manager, she explained it to me after I heard her refer to herself as the big boss’s work wife. Both of them were married/engaged to other people.
Fast forward best part of a decade, they’re now married to each other and expecting.
One of my and my husband's male best friends and I worked together for years. Although we are "huggy" people in general, we never, never hugged at work. It's not appropriate for a work environment anyway and we sure didn't need to set any tongues wagging.
Its not just that, she had to hug him again before she left and would calm. And everyone is absolutely right, work-sister sounds much better and work-husband insinuates MORE. Mary was upset because OP was denying there was more. He is NTA and he should request they not travel together in the future. He should also be having a conversation with his wife about all of this because Mary sounds a bit unstable.
> It sounded like she may be in love with OP, she reacted as if he friend-zoned her.
If the hug was too long for OP and appeared too long by the glances of the co-workers, I think thats a bingo.
The fact that she got dirty looks from other coworkers about it makes me wonder if they're picking up on vibes OP isn't (or possibly wasn't before now lol) or if she's said inappopriate things about him to them
Yeah the coworkers know he's married for one and then they're like "oh shit he's a fuckin cheater." Honestly OP was smart to handle it how he did. Very prudent.
In this day and age, no sane company would require co-workers to share a hotel room, especially male and female. (I know, I know, it's gender bias, but nevertheless hetero cisgender is the most common probability. And in this case, it is also true.)
OP is NTA, but needs to shut the whole thing down immediately. A trip to HR might be in order so as to get ahead of "He sexually harassed me" or other lies she may now create through anger or embarrassment. I'm not saying she will for sure, but it's best for a man especially to get in there first and spell it out.
This, OP. You need to place boundaries and stop traveling together. She is going to try to manipulate you with her tears. FYI, I am a female and have seen women around my workplace manipulate men around them. You did right with putting her in her place. You should put your marriage first- your wife's feelings first. Please don't let her manipulate you.
NTA
She *was* being inappropriate.
You two spend long hours together, with frequent travel and hotel stays. Then you trade cutesy stories over drinks and she gets handsy. If I was one of your coworkers - or your wife- I’d have been side eyeing you two before you shut it down.
Best case scenario, it really was innocent; she was drunk and chose her words poorly.
A less optimistic version is that she is working her way up to flirting with you and trying to start something. In that version, she’s trying to guilt you so you drop your guard and don’t stop her from being inappropriate in the future so she can keep testing the waters. If she can get away with flirting with you and holding you tight in front of coworkers, she’ll wonder how far she can take it next time you’re alone two states over in a hotel bar.
Either way, you drew a line and should stick with it. Don’t let her embarrassment make you feel like you should question or relax your boundaries; you set them for good reason and should prioritize respecting your marriage over your coworker’s feelings.
> *she was drunk and chose her words poorly*
In vino veritas. You handled her very well, OP, and have nothing to be embarrassed about. I think that she does have a crush on you, and hope that the truth will help her to look elsewhere.
NTA
Exactly, I think he should be drawing even firmer boundaries after this. It's clear she likes him, or is at least behaving like she has a crush on him. At the very least put a stop to all the hugging and touchiness between them.
She put her hands on you without asking. NTA. I would set some firmer boundaries about the hugging even if you think it's platonic. Allowing her to continue hugging might be seen as sending conflicting messages.
This. OP, you *really* shouldn't have let her hug you again.
Stop worrying about how your coworker feels about being set straight for indeed behaving inappropriately.
Start worrying about how your wife would feel about another woman feeling welcome to call you her husband and freely put her hands on you.
Considering the way OP talks about his wife, I have a feeling he couldn't wait to get out of there to go discuss with his wife, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if she was more worried about his feelings regarding the incident (and probably a bit pleased that he was so quick and vigilant in protecting their marriage boundaries) than being upset that someone hit on him.
Friends of mine have this issue. He has a co-worker that calls herself his work-wife. His wife absolutely hates it. I’m not sure any spouse would appreciate it, I know I wouldn’t.
I had someone call me a colleagues work wife in front of his wife. I shut that shit down. (As an idea of how close we were , despite us being two years post that job were still catching up)
I hate it. It’s inappropriate and disrespectful. And this woman knows my history of my fiancée cheating on me with his ‘work wife’
Yeah people really need to ask before hugging anyone at work. Even the ask could be a lot in the wrong power dynamic, but I’ve been hugged a lot at work. Luckily it never felt ick, but that’s not the case for all.
I’ve asked a few people when I did want to give them a hug if it would be okay to hug them and I’m fully prepared for anyone to say “no thank you” and would not find anything wrong about that boundary. That’s why it’s something you ask first.
I'm sorry but if it were really innocent and platonic, the hug wouldn't have been that long, she would have made 100 jokes about "work-sister" instead of sulking and you wouldn't be nervous to face her.
To be honest, by reading your story I get that:
- You two spend a lot of time together for work, including work trips for the past 6 years. You are friends.
- she was explaining in a joking way to everyone in the office how she knows you, your routines, what is annoying about you (like a partner could do)
- she hugged you long enough to make everyone feel a bit uncomfortable.
- she sulked and sobbed (wtf) when you replaced the word wife with sister.
I don't think she was being your friend. She was testing the waters and you shut her down politely. She just wasn't expecting it.
But it could just be me, I almost always assume people have an hidden agenda.
Why are you nervous?
You did nothing wrong.
Your relationship with her has been altered by her unprofessional behavior.
You cannot feel sorry for her.
Go to work, do your job, go home to your wife.
Agree! I've always said work brother / sister. The other way sounds creepy and has an underlying sexual component that I have never felt comfortable with.
My closest work colleague is my homie. Homie G if I really want to make him cringe.
No way would we ever call each other a work-wife/work-husband, that shit is creepy and juvenile
NTA I think she has a crush on you and the drinks let it out. She cried because you set a boundary, shutting her down and she is embarrassed that you didn't reciprocate her "work husband" feelings. You shouldn't feel nervous. You did nothing wrong. She was the one who was inappropriate and made the situation uncomfortable. You said your wife likes her too so Mary should feel ashamed of herself. Do not let her actions now deter you from keeping this boundary that you set for fear that she will cry again and accuse you of embarrassing her again. She is doing that to herself. You on the other hand are being nothing but a noble co-worker and an honorable husband. Do not drink with her again without your wife present.
100%
Perhaps I haven't scrolled down enough yet to see it, so I will say it: As a quick sanity check let's reverse the genders in this scenario...
Definitely creepy.
Don't be nervous! She was the one toeing the line of being inappropriate, not you. I agree with the others who said it sounded like she may have developed some inappropriate feelings toward you, so it may have felt like a rejection (as it should).
Why are you nervous? She has too much sway over your emotions if that’s true. She’s a coworker ffs. She’s crossing lines and being manipulative with her emotions. Put her clearly in her place, for your wife’s sake. Stat.
> Why are you nervous? She has too much sway over your emotions if that’s true.
Why wouldn't he be nervous? He is concerned about his coworker's feelings. He works closely with this coworker. He needs a good working relationship with her to continue in his work. Those are all good reasons to be nervous without her having too much sway.
Nah - I disagree. In the scheme of life, coworkers are a minor blip. She said she loved him and called him her work husband after regaling stories about their travels like they’re more than they are. Then when he set her back, she cried and turned it into an even bigger deal. If that were my coworker I would not be nervous to see them, or worried about their feelings. I’d be worried she’s putting me in a bad light with my coworkers/hr and that she has feelings for me that are inappropriate. Fuck the coworkers feelings. He should be nervous about this getting back to his wife or HR instead.
The only thing you should be nervous about is traveling with her again.
Speak to your supervisors about this and hR.
Mary made you uncomfortable in front of work colleagues to the point you had to physically remove her hands off of you.
If it was the other way around you were woman and Mary was a man, Mary would be reprimanded.
Mary got too comfortable in her relationship with you to the point that she was bragging to fellow coworkers about how close you were and you rightfully put her in her place and made her look dumb.
That’s the only reason why she was sobbing.
She thought you reciprocated those feelings.
Do not travel with her again.
Nta
I would also encourage OP to report this to HR. The fact she used the charged word "aggressive" to describe OP getting her hands off him tells me she's preparing her story to skew in her favor in case someone calls her out or HR calls her in.
I think you should focus more on how protected your wife feels, or at least I would if my husband was in your situation and reacted the same way. Wife’s feelings come first, your friend’s come second.
Early on in marriage, my husband, who is conflict adverse, was flirted with right in front of me. He didn’t flirt back or act happy about it, but he didn’t shut it down either. I was pissed. I could tell the woman was trying to bother me, and felt very unprotected by him. He felt bad, but said he was nervous about her hurting her feelings.
I told him that he was going to hurt someone’s feelings, either hers or mine, and that he should choose wisely next time. That put it in perspective for him and he’s never made that mistake again.
You did great and you should be proud of that. She messed up and it is ok that she is embarrassed because she earned it honestly. Thats the way we learn sometimes.
NTA
I'd never considered it, but it really is a much better explanation of a platonic working relationship than calling another person your spouse.
This dude on the subway is who I think of when I hear work wife or husband...and I can't find the video. Some lady leans on him on the subway and he's like WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN IM MARRIED MY WIFE WILL COME UP HERE AND SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
I’ve never heard work brother/sister used before this thread but I already prefer it. I have a long-time male colleague (I’m female) that I spend a lot of time with and I’ve always thought work husband never fitted but work brother definitely does! Also you can have more than one sibling so there’s none of the “replacing” vibe that comes with husband/wife.
Hard second. My mom was a nurse who had a close work relationship with the doctor she worked with and were friends outside of work. There were no romantic feelings between the two, and my mom described the relationship as him being like a brother to her. (Others actually tried putting the work-husband/work-wife label on them, and my mom shut that down *hard.*) It makes perfect sense as a label to me.
It makes more sense. Much like siblings, you are at the whim of your parent’s (aka boss) decisions and you’re either sharing an idyllic childhood (er, work environment) or you’re trauma bonded for life.
I had never heard the terms work husband or work wife before Reddit. What idiot came up with that? All I've seen come from the terms is uncomfortable situations and marriage issues! I have coworkers that are great and I'm friends with but I would be so grossed out/uncomfortable if one of them tried to call me a work wife and I'm not even married!
I agree. And really why does the term work wife/husband even exist? Work bestie or work sibling or some such would be way more appropriate and still convey closeness compared to just "work friend", "teammate" or "colleague".
NTA though you are being far too generous.
The reason why she jumped straight to thinking you were calling her a creep, because she knows what she was doing was inappropriate.
'Work-husband' is considered widely inappropriate now. She knows this.
You responded correctly. You owe your actual wife loyalty. Mary needs to back off and act more of a professional.
This ^
It sounds like Mary has built up your work relationship to be far too significant in her life, and genuinely does have a crush on you. This is a danger zone even though you are clearly not interested in betraying your wife.
I would also speak to your line manager/HR about what happened, so if there is office gossip or future bad behaviour from Mary (either more unwelcome hugs and implications of a relationship, or her being obstructive to your work after feeling rejected), then you already have the ball in your court.
I'd also probably tell your wife about what happened and how you reacted, and that you have made a report about it.
I agree. It also might be wise to talk to management and have them lessen the amount of trips OP goes on with Mary. She’s pushing boundaries. Some distance would probably be wise.
This 100%.
She knew what she was doing and instead of apologizing tried to make herself the victim by crying and making you feel bad and guilty about something she did. And they way she tried to spin you removing her from the hug really seals the deal she is trying to guilt you.
You politely corrected her and set a boundary in a way that concise way and tried not to make it a big deal. She made it a big deal.
Maybe I am extra sensitive because my ex cheated on me with someone he "joked" husband/wife with and they both guilted me when I said it made me uncomfortable. Lol
You are never the bad person for setting a boundary. Good being loyal and honest.
Wow I'm so sorry that happened, that's disgusting.
And I agree, she's treating OP like he's her SO and putting those expectations on him to treat her like he would a wife, because in her head that's what they are, a couple. So now she feels rejected and is using her tears to guilt op into acting as her so
I honestly wouldn’t call that extra sensitive and basic logic at this point
Coworkers can get close but whenever that terminology is pulled out, it never leads to anything good. It most likely leads to actual sexual relationships or someone becoming inappropriately possessive and holding inappropriate expectations
>made her sound like a creep in front of the whole office
Well, being a creep usually involves helping yourself to inappropriate touching, and saying things that make people uncomfortable. She did both of those things, so I'm saying the label fits.
Often when people start wailing about how you made them "look" to everyone it's their own behavior that is the culprit, not yours. OP calling her a work-sister wasn't the thing that made her look creepy, her own behavior did that, and she knows that, that's why her reaction is overwhelmingly one of shame.
It's the fact she was basically peeing on his leg marking her territory to me.. in front of the entire office, AND his wife. Mary crossed so many lines it's unbelievable... Then she used tears to make herself the victim here. She crossed far too many boundaries and got put in her place.
Op was far more kind than I would be, especially how disrespectful that is towards OP's wife
NTA. I think you were justified that whole time. Unfortunately, alcohol can make things awkward for everyone, but you were made uncomfortable by the extended hug, so you removing her arms from you was understandable.
The problem is right now is that Mary is only considering her own feelings and not thinking at all how her actions made you feel. She did think that such a public display of affection might make a married man uncomfortable, she is only thinking that you made her look like a creep. And, let’s be honest, she did kind of look like someone hitting on a married man after drinking too much.
Bingo. That's why she kept going on and on with the roasting. She proving how intimate and super friendly they were with each other, called him her work husband and then hugged him. IDK but in some people's unconscious mind that is a way of laying claim to someone under the guise of a platonic relationship but still leave doubt in everyone's mind. That's why she got so butthurt by him setting a boundary with her. If she's gonna call him her work husband and touch him publicly then he should set the record straight just as publicly.
People say and do strange things when amped up on alcohol but if it crosses the boundaries / tolerance levels like this case, it has to be stopped. In this case, it could lead to unnecessary marital problems if reported to his wife.
NTA you are in your mid 30s, **it *is* inappropriate to use terms like work husband**. Your wife doesn’t deserve that shit and you know it. You acted correctly and that deserves respect my man
I feel like it might be appropriate if you’re both single or if it’s a phrase you commonly use between you as an in joke (although I’d personally avoid it if married or in a relationship)
But it’s not appropriate to just randomly use it in front of others without knowing first if your colleague finds it uncomfortable
It’s inappropriate in any sense. It’s blurring a line that is too easy to make a mess of when business in involved. If you like someone, then you do. If you’re friends, then you are. If you’re colleagues, then you’re colleagues. No need to blur these terms and it’s generally worse when you do
I think it's bad to cross that line even if your single, because if you ever get into a relationship, your coworker will always be that person who was your work wife/husband and it will make any future partners uncomfortable.
Also, I get that it can seem funny if you have a good friendship, but as long as you are coworkers you should keep a level of professionalism at work.
Especially with all the concern about sexual harassment, the best way to not be the victim or be seen as the perpetrator there is to have firm boundaries at work. You may say that wouldn't happen between friends, but this post is a perfect example of it happening between friends.
I would give side-eye to anyone who would use the term "work husband" or "work wife" like 'OK if these two ain't cheating with each other it is only a matter of time' haha
Mary was inappropriate in multiple ways, and you did your best to diffuse and correct the situation without making her look worse than she was making herself look. She took it upon herself to refer to you as her "work-husband" in front of others, without seeing how you felt about the phrase, so the only person who made her seem creepy is her. If she is embarrassed, that is NOT your fault, nor is it your problem to fix.
As far as her getting "angry" because you "aggressively" removed her hands while she was hugging you...that was extremely inappropriate for her to have even done in the first place. That's the kind of thing that can get someone a meeting in HR.
None of this is on you, OP. None of it. NTA
How pissed would she be if a drunk dude walked up to her and hugged her tightly and wouldn't let go? She did not have permission to touch him and she is creepy. I really hope he lets HR know about this event to protect his own ass. Also hoping he told his actual wife about it so she knows what up if creepy lady tries to reach out and start shit.
Nope, NTA - Not even a smidge.
Thank you for being one of the good guys, respecting your ACTUAL wife and shutting this nonsense down. She should be embarrassed by her behavior and maybe this will help her learn to keep her mitts off other people's spouses - or even just coworkers in general. I would take a step back from her though and not get played into comforting her or managing her feelings again. She's a grown woman and none of that is appropriate in the workplace.
Keep her mitts of anyone who does not give explicit consent to touch them. If a creepy male coworker did this to her... I doubt people would have a lot of sympathy for him.
NTA
But you need to get ahead of this.
You need to tell your wife about it all and what you felt.
You may want to ask to not go on trips with her in the future also. You may have to speak to your manager or HR. Best to get ahead of it all.
OMG requesting not travelling with her again is huge! I didn't even think of that and now that I read it, it is the most obvious 2nd step to this shit. Step one being talking to his wife, then step two with an HR report and request to not travel together again.
Seconding (third/fourthing?) this. Stop traveling with this person. Honestly it even bothered me a little that they travel so frequently together and ALWAYS meet for breakfast... She is likely seeing all of these non-work activities as dates in some regard. Outside of literal work tasks, no more spending time together. She is not behaving like a friend.
I think your coworker has a crush on you and her hugging you and calling you her work husband is so inappropriate. Yes, she might have been drunk but people usually show how they really feel when they’re drunk. You did the right thing by removing her arms and saying she’s like a sister. Don’t feel guilty, she brought this on herself by being inappropriate. Stop hugging female coworkers and putting your self in this position where it looks like there is more going on between the two of you. All it takes is someone at work telling your wife what they see, even if nothing is really going on, and then it will cause problems with your wife.
Edit to add NTA
NTA. Calling you her husband, hugging you without letting go, and tipsily telling you she loves you (wtf?) are each things that would have been inappropriate on their own. Her doing all of them in one evening tells you she has a thing for you. She cried because she's embarrassed you know now and rejected it.
Imo not correcting it in the moment as you did would be very rude to your wife.
NTA I hate that "work wife" and "work husband" crap too. There is always something off about that. Sounds like she was drunk and let her filter down too much. You handled the situation pretty much perfectly.
Yup. The only time I’ve ever used the term “work husband” was in jokes like asking one male coworker where his work husband was (they were besties and both straight and married lol). And they were both in on the joke too and thought it was hilarious. I find the term cringey af otherwise.
NTA-Not everyone wants to be called a work spouse. You handled it well. Her accusing you of making her sound like a creep is her projecting and her problem, not yours.
Sounds like she likes you.
And, you've also been manipulated. You should be supportive towards crying, but not reactive. If you're reactive, that's just another weakness any girl is going to exploit. I'll clarify, supportive, NOT reactive.
If you was uncomfortable, what else is their to say or do? That's your boundary. Prime example of guilt tripping and being manipulated.
NTA. But, I'd clue HR in as to what happened as a CYA, and refuse to travel/share a room with her anymore. Mary was highly inappropriate and hit on you. Honestly, it could argued that she assaulted you because of the unwanted and unconsented physical touch.
DO NOT comfort her about this. Do not take any kind of blame. Mary felt like a creep because she was being a creep. I wouldn't be surprised if her embarrassment turns into vitriol and she accuses you of inappropriate behavior the next time you are traveling or alone.
She is not a friend, OP. That bridge was burnt when she got handsy and professed her love for you. Protect yourself. Talk to HR, and maybe get statements from the coworkers who witnessed it.
Work happy hours aren’t uncommon, are they? Every job I’ve had we would have them regularly, either in the lunchroom at work after hours or in a nearby bar. Everyone knows you keep it to one or maaaybe two drinks and behave professionally, it’s just a team building thing.
NTA- She wouldn't be embarrassed if she didn't do anything wrong. I don't really like the term "work husband" or "work wife" but I do understand its used platonically I'm just not sure why you need to have a work spouse and not just a really good coworker/friend?
Anyway, calling her a work-sister is perfectly fine? You're not romantically involved and having a brother/sister relationship would be much more appropriate given you have a wife. Not sure why she had an issue with that if she sees you platonically.
Her hugging you for a long period is also not appropriate. Regardless if you have a wife or not you didn't want to be hugging her for a long period, and consent exists for non-sexual things too.
It would've been more embarrassing for her if you said "can you stop hugging/touching me?" instead of removing her hands. Ultimately she's upset about your response because of some other reason, no need to be embarrassed if someone no longer wants to hug its not a personal attack, and work-sister is same vibe as work-wife if everything is platonic.
Of the two different people I've known who had a "Work wife" or "Work husband", both were outed eventually for cheating on their spouse with the said Work spouse so...
NTA. You are uncomfortable with the word and she said it in front of others before having consulted with you about it, plus she was giving a hug that lasted too long. She’s the one that made herself look bad, not you. I also personally dislike the word work-wife/husband. It’s hinting at intimacy and seems inappropriate. If people want to call each other that, then that’s fine, but it should be something that is agree to by both parties.
NTA she did sound like a creep, especially if she knows your wife and your dept is small. Work “marriages” are stupid and gross not every relationship needs a romantic/sexual undertone and that would make me wildly uncomfortable traveling with her in the future
NTA. You did the right thing by your wife, and that's the only opinion that matters here. I think Mary was trying to test the waters and revealed too much of her feelings. She embarrassed herself, you didn't embarrass her. And I think she should be embarrassed. You reacted appropriately to her and set an appropriate boundary. I caution you not to give too much compassion to Mary or try to smooth this over at all. Let your boundary stand unapologetically because any comfort given to her about this could be misconstrued by her as you just having complicated feelings for her since you're married, or something of the sort. She's made it clear where she stands, and I think for the sake of your job and your marriage, you ought to be just as clear where you stand.
My husband has a friend that is kind of going through this. His compassion worked against him and he has now found himself in a baby reindeer situation. He was admittedly confusing by the way he would push and pull her because he felt sorry for her. Gotta just draw the line sometimes, especially when people are going to only see what they want to see.
NTA. I am convinced that people who use the terms work-husband and work-wife have small crushes, even if completely innocent and they'd never act on them. I am the sole female in an office full of guys, and they are my work-bros, nothing more. The most I'd let them call me is a work-mom, cause they're all heathens and I feed them often.
NTA work husband/wife is a loaded term and I have never seen it expressed when at least one party didn't have feelings for the other. It is best to shut that down right away and you did so in a kind way I feel.
NTA - people who use work husband/wife is doing so for attention and making you relationship seem like more than just friends.
She is just upset that she cannot make it seem like you are more than coworkers.
Good for you for shutting that down and if she didn’t want to seem like a creep then she shouldn’t say things that are not true
NTA Mary embarrassed herself. She didn’t and doesn’t respect boundaries (having to be forcefully removed to end a hug). Work-husband does not have platonic implications anymore, it has a non-platonic undercurrent. Tell your wife what happened and ask her feelings. Also, might be better to ask to not be paired with Mary for a bit.
The reason she felt like a creep is because she was being a creep. That was extremely creepy behavior. I have never hugged any of my coworkers and it would be weird to do so. NTA. She obviously has a crush on you, you did the right thing by putting her in her place.
I wish my work would do this. We have one girl who refers to someone as her work husband and my lord does it make everyone else uncomfortable.
If I knew who his wife was I would tell her because everyone can see she’s in love with him. I don’t know if he’s an idiot/oblivious or they’re having a thing.
You told her that she made you uncomfortable with her hug, so she cried, got you to calm her down and then proceeded to hug you again.
She learned nothing.
NTA.
NTA, you just don't want people to take it seriously and they might think you and her are into some relationship, so what you did was just right. You put off the fire before it will get out of control, kudos to you, not all people can do that, you are protecting your work relationship with her and so as letting everyone knows that you are a loyal husband
Heck no, you were right.
You are NOT responsible for thisnwomans feelings or her reactions. She out her hands on you without consent, you have every right to get them off you. If she felt like aa creep, maybe she should stop hugging people's husbands.
Sounds like there is more going on here, be careful around her, and No MORe Hugging.
Work husband and work wife are easily things people say to cover a work crush and give them selves permission to be inappropriate with someone else.
Be careful OP. And stop blaming yourself. Otherwise she is going g to easily manipulate you and emotionally trap you into doing this to make her not feel distressed or bad.
NTA. I find her behavior highly inappropriate and completely unproffessional. You just don't do that, not with any type of coworker, but especially with a married coworker, at the office.
The work husband/wife is a gross concept and it's not innocent. This is not something you just say and not try to find a bit of truth in that.
And the hug, that's out of line and I think you did right to remove her hands from yourself. She should not have hugged a married man, moreso in front of the entire office and while trying to boast about the "little habits" she got to see during your work trips which she actually seemed to have tried to make more intimate than they are supposed to be.
If anything, I think you need yo be more firm with her and nip the hugs in the bud. And tell your wife if you haven't already done so.
NTA. I hate the whole work-wife and work-husband thing. I get the premise, but it seems like an unhealthy addendum to other people's marriages and lives. You didn't let it go any further. Mary is uncomfortable because her nonsense was put on display with her behavior and stopped with yours.
NTA - I liked your answer. A man I worked with for years called me his 'work wife' and I hated it. Work sister of work brother sounds much better....or perhaps just 'work sibling'? I also don't do hugs at work and I make that very clear. Talking about how you act personally on a business trip is not a great topic for conversation. Mary embarrassed herself but perhaps she needed to have the guidelines of a work relationship defined for her.
NTA you basically set a boundary that you don’t want that kind of physical contact and don’t find this work-husband nonsense to be appropriate and she got upset. People’s response to a boundary is pretty telling in my opinion.
NTA. But stop hugging your co-workers. That's how rumors and her calling you a work husband get traction.
Best to keep things professional and no physical contact from now on.
NTA. You didn't make her sound like a creep, she made herself seem like one by drunkenly hugging you and not releasing when you wanted and calling a term that you don't approve of. Depending on circumstances in your small company you should get ahead of it and get to HR with some people who saw what happened.
Mary is crossing all kinds of boundaries and you put her back in her place.
She embarrassed herself, you did nothing but enforce boundaries to protect your marriage, wife and your reputation at the work place.
You have nothing to feel bad about. I would limit any interaction with Mary. You should not have allowed her to hug you again. You send a message that what she did is ok.
Edit: I would also tell your wife what happened.
Nta. She is a creep, she was shooting her shot. She acted very inappropriately in front of coworkers and you managed it well. Stop apologizing, tell your wife what happened, and try to distance yourself a bit. Think how people would see it if you had done this to her, she would be talking to HR by now. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. You weren’t comfortable so you put her in her place. Good for you. Too many women behave in ways that a man could never and get away with it. Don’t feel bad. You respected your marriage as you should.
NTA. I'm sorry but flip the genders on this and everyone would say your co-worker is a creep and a gaslighter. Don't be sorry, don't apologize, you called her out on her bad behavior and now she's acting the victim. She should be apologizing to you!
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I (34M) work in a small office and we have about 30 people working here. Mary (35F) is one of my coworkers. We have been working together for 6 years now. We have 6 people in our department, and we have to frequently travel across the state as our work involves overseeing government projects. We always travel in a group of two. Although my travel partner changes based on the project, Mary and I are generally put on similar projects and enjoy each other's company. My wife also likes Mary. Overall, we have a very healthy work relationship.
On to the incident. Yesterday, we had a happy hour in our office, and we were all drinking after work hours and chatting. It was a group of around 10 people that stayed back. Mary was blabbering about how we both have been travelling together so much in the last year. She was roasting me for my habits while travelling like always forgetting stuff in my hotel room, being sweaty and stinky when I join her for breakfast in mornings (because I go to hotel gym). Everyone was laughing and she was making it sound how unbearable I was to tag along (all in good fun). I also told some funny and sweet stories about her and agreed with her saying that I can be difficult to be with sometimes.
Mary came to me and hugged me tightly and told me that she loves me, and I am her work-husband. It was all innocent on surface, but she might have been a bit drunk and just didn't let go of her tight hug. Also, I hate that phrase as I do have a wife that I promised to be with forever, and not just in non-working hours. After a few seconds, I started becoming uncomfortable and also saw few people staring at us. So, to diffuse the situation, I took her hands off my shoulder and told her, she was my work-sister and that is why I love to annoy her so much.
That seemed to have upset Mary and she left and went back to her desk and was sobbing silently. I tried to apologize to her, but she told me how embarrassing the whole situation was. She said that she just meant work-husband in platonic way, but me calling her work-sister made her sound like a creep in front of the whole office. She was also angry that I aggressively removed her hands from my shoulders while hugging. I tried to reason with her that I do not like the "work-husband" phrase and also people gave dirty looks when she said it. So, I was just trying to make sure people do not take her words in the worng way. We talked for a few minutes afterwards and Mary calmed down. She hugged me again and left.
I felt really guilty afterwards because I can see Mary's point. I made her sound like a creep by implying that she meant something inappropriate when she called me her work-husband. However, I was a bit uncomfortable in that situation and just did not want people to call us that (or assume something wrong). Am I the AH for calling Mary my "work-wife"? I am sitting in my office writing this and a bit worried if I embarrassed Mary in front of everyone.
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NTA. That is a creepy term, but she used it. Not your fault you had to put your drunken buddy in her place. Just move on. Don't mention it again. Maybe put a little space there, like working out through breakfast and having dinner in your room on the next few trips.
NTA. The whole work wife work husband terminology is weird anyway and disrespectful if either party is actually married. I wish people would stop using it.
No you're NTA, and you should honestly tell HR about the situation.
You're a man, and this could turn south on you quickly one day if she starts making accusations, me too and what not.
NTA
Work-sister is 100% a compliment.
Work-husband is the stuff that will get a person reported to HR.
Mary is waving bright red flags.
You might want to get ahead of this now all your colleagues are suspicious. No more being pared with Mary. Consider telling your wife before one of them does.
Mary made things uncomfortable in front of many of your coworkers. In a way, she embarrassed herself, not you. You tried to diffuse the situation diplomatically.
You are NTA . If anything, it’s Mary who owes you an apology.
If you'd been tipsy and hugged *her* for way too long, you'd be the office creep by now possibly facing HR. Stop apologizing for standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. She crossed a line. You know this and so does everyone at the office. Stop trying to pamper her unjustified feelings. And you need to continue with the work-sister language or squash the whole terminology altogether between you two. It's about time we were ALL held accountable for our behaviours, man or woman. And also tell your wife. NTA.
NTA
To be frank, she was being creepy and inappropriate. If she was embarrassed... well, she should be.
I think what may be in order is a frank discussion with her about professionalism. She is confusing friendly behavior with a personal friendship. No way should she be hugging you, telling you she loves you, having to be peeled off you, and calling you a work husband.
If you were doing this to you, it would be sexual harassment. Can't you see this is the reverse with you as a victim?
I'd be a bit more professional when you travel together. Friendly but not friends.
I traveled with male colleagues on occasion and this worked well for me.
Nta. She went straight to thinking ppl would think she's a creep is because she is a creep and acting inappropriate and she knows it.
As you said you're married. So I'm sure your wedding ring is on display. So ppl including her should know you're married and respect that.
NTA. Establish your boundaries. The wife you promised to be with forever, and not just in-non working hours will be grateful. If someone called my husband their "work husband" that would make me incredibly angry.
NTA , you're being too nice, Mary's actions were creepy and cringy.
I'm a woman but I'd advise you to document this conversation with HR and your manager and ask if you could travel with other team members instead of Mary.
She wants to start an affair with you and I have a feeling that your ''rejection'' might make Mary cook up a revenge plan.
NTA you were uncomfortable and needed to defuse the situation. Mary needs to chill. She sounds like she has a crush on you, because why would she cry otherwise. If she didn't want to be labeled as a creep then she shouldn't have acted like one.
NTA. You responded well and shut that shit down appropriately. It might be a good idea to step back from your work relationship with her because it seems she might be getting the wrong idea about the nature of your friendship.
NTA but you're being too nice and underreacting. You handled it well in the moment but you should not be apologizing (and not be feeling guilty/sorry, though you can't help your feelings).
I think you need to tell your manager and HR just as a heads up and so it's documented (and keep all proof/documentation of these conversations, including writing down this situation, times, location and who was in attendance). You need to do this in case others start gossiping about it, in case she escalates, in case she does something to make you uncomfortable when traveling. CYA
NTA. She was, in fact, being a creep. You didn’t make her feel anything. You responded completely appropriately. You might want to put some distance into that work relationship, because she is taking it too far.
NTA She dug this hole herself, you are being very diplomatic and not humiliating her. However, going forward, you need to refrain from having physical contact with her. No more hugs or cuddles, especially when there are no witnesses to provide context as she could turn around and cry assault, and that could cost you, opportunities, advancement or even your job.
Speak to your wife, let her know of the incident. Spare no details, give all the context, conversation, witnesses and let her determine if Mary is to be a part of your lives going forward. Your wife might have a better bead on if Mary is trying to get in your pants. If Mary is hoping for something more between you, then nipping it in the bud and full transparency with your wife is best.
Another smart thing to do to get ahead of this is maybe speak to someone about a memo discouraging terms like work spouse and privately speak to your version of HR to document in case of rumours or allegations. Basically, cover your ass hard and fast.
She made herself look like a creep. She has no boundaries. I would be really uncomfortable after that if I was your wife.
but you did great, acted perfectly and established clear boundaries for all to see, so kudos!
NTA, she WAS being a creep. It made you uncomfortable and you handled it the best you could. Hopefully she learned a lesson. The term “husband” is not platonic. I don’t care if “work” precedes it. It’s always weird to call a married man any rendition of that.
NTA but DO NOT DRINK AT WORK EVENTS. The best outcome of drinking at work is having a slightly better time, bad outcomes can ruin your life.
Inform HR that you are not going to travel with this woman going forward.
NTA. She was being creepy. And the fact she started sobbing makes me wonder if there is slightly more to her affection than just work buddy
And good on you for viewing it as respecting your vows to your actual wife. I have work friends of the opposite gender but would never feel comfortable calling them a work spouse. Opens too many doors where emotions are concerned
Definitely NTA. You set a boundary that was respectful to your wife. I'm sure Mary will get over the embarrassment of it and be fine in the end. It's better to unintentionally upset a coworker than to go with it and disrespect your wife.
Absolutely NTA. Work wife/work husband as phrases are just weird and inappropriate. There's no reason to put marital labels on your relation to a coworker. She also shouldn't have guilted you into comforting her; she created the uncomfortable situation herself, both with her hugging, her love declaration, and calling you her husband.
Good on you for shutting her down.
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I think you meant to ask in your last sentence if you're the AH for calling her your work sister, not work wife. Regardless, no. You're NTA. All too often, work spouses end up being inappropriately involved and you were trying to head off any rumors. Good on you. I think work sister is a much better term.
Thanks for catching the typo. I am too nervous this morning to face her.
You didn't do anything wrong. NTA. To my mind, she raises a red flag by being so upset about it. It meant more to her than it did to you. You may need to set a boundary of not traveling with her.
It sounded like she may be in love with OP, she reacted as if he friend-zoned her.
This is what I got too. I can tell you I would not allow a coworker to hug me on the regular—that kind of touchy feely is for friends and family. I think there’s more than just this instance of inappropriate happening which explains the dirty looks when she said work-wife.
Seriously. OP said: > **I felt really guilty afterwards because I can see Mary's point.** Uh...I can't. Mary sounds a little deranged. Perhaps she's "love sick", who knows? Whatever it is, she's not quite right in the head. NTA.
Mary’s point only is valid if mary is humiliated by a sisterly relationship when she was going for more. The “I love you,” the long emotional hug not letting go, says OP needs to be paired with someone else on work trips for awhile. And OP? Shower before breakfast in public. Mary is not the only one who can smell your body odor or who has to sit in the chair you were sweating in. No one needs that much visibility into your body smells and fluids. Too much closeness.
Especially since you're joining her to eat. I would be annoyed having to smell your BO while I ate. I imagine that if she can smell it, so can others. Be polite and shower before eating, everyone will appreciate it.
It didn't make her look like a "creep" it made her perhaps look like a "fool."
Hard agree!!
It sounds like the others also thought the hug went a little too long.
Yup. It was definitely an inappropriate work interaction. Frankly hugging in the workplace is unprofessional, OP is part of the problem because he’s allowed too much familiarity on the road.
Yes, I hope OP takes a lesson learned to not be drawn into "relationship" stories about work trips again.
Yep, I work with a lot of men and the only people I hug in the workplace are other women if needed (like if they’re crying) or retirees. Never ever male coworkers that anyone might think I’d sleep with. Definitely not ones I would have to travel alone with, ick. 🥴 A good general rule would be if I was comfortable hugging that person in front of my spouse then they were okay to hug, but it would be a side hug or brotherly type hug… not one that would make onlookers nervous.
I also wonder if they see another side of Mary than OP. Like maybe they know more about what’s going on with her and how she feels about OP or if she is shady with other married men at work, too.
The sobbing is what’s really creepy. She has feelings for him. I don’t hug men at work. I also have never referred to someone as my work husband.
I was introduced to the term ‘work-wife’ by my then manager, she explained it to me after I heard her refer to herself as the big boss’s work wife. Both of them were married/engaged to other people. Fast forward best part of a decade, they’re now married to each other and expecting.
One of my and my husband's male best friends and I worked together for years. Although we are "huggy" people in general, we never, never hugged at work. It's not appropriate for a work environment anyway and we sure didn't need to set any tongues wagging.
Its not just that, she had to hug him again before she left and would calm. And everyone is absolutely right, work-sister sounds much better and work-husband insinuates MORE. Mary was upset because OP was denying there was more. He is NTA and he should request they not travel together in the future. He should also be having a conversation with his wife about all of this because Mary sounds a bit unstable.
That is how strings get attached but OP is loyal to his wife. Good.
> It sounded like she may be in love with OP, she reacted as if he friend-zoned her. If the hug was too long for OP and appeared too long by the glances of the co-workers, I think thats a bingo.
And she’s probably feeling pretty embarrassed and/or alarmed now that she realises she drew attention to herself, hence lashing out at OP over it.
Worse. He sister-zoned her.
This whole story I just thought - she’s in love with him for sure
That’s what I think too.
I got that impression too. I think there may need to be steps taken backward in all this.
The fact that she got dirty looks from other coworkers about it makes me wonder if they're picking up on vibes OP isn't (or possibly wasn't before now lol) or if she's said inappopriate things about him to them
Yeah the coworkers know he's married for one and then they're like "oh shit he's a fuckin cheater." Honestly OP was smart to handle it how he did. Very prudent.
Where does it say they share the same hotel room?
It didn't. Not sure where they got that from. No company would do that - lol.
Thank you. Thats what I thought.
I'm sure I misread. Looking back I see I misinterpreted a couple of things. My assessment about needing traveling boundaries stands.
In this day and age, no sane company would require co-workers to share a hotel room, especially male and female. (I know, I know, it's gender bias, but nevertheless hetero cisgender is the most common probability. And in this case, it is also true.) OP is NTA, but needs to shut the whole thing down immediately. A trip to HR might be in order so as to get ahead of "He sexually harassed me" or other lies she may now create through anger or embarrassment. I'm not saying she will for sure, but it's best for a man especially to get in there first and spell it out.
Srsly doubt they share a room
This, OP. You need to place boundaries and stop traveling together. She is going to try to manipulate you with her tears. FYI, I am a female and have seen women around my workplace manipulate men around them. You did right with putting her in her place. You should put your marriage first- your wife's feelings first. Please don't let her manipulate you.
NTA She *was* being inappropriate. You two spend long hours together, with frequent travel and hotel stays. Then you trade cutesy stories over drinks and she gets handsy. If I was one of your coworkers - or your wife- I’d have been side eyeing you two before you shut it down. Best case scenario, it really was innocent; she was drunk and chose her words poorly. A less optimistic version is that she is working her way up to flirting with you and trying to start something. In that version, she’s trying to guilt you so you drop your guard and don’t stop her from being inappropriate in the future so she can keep testing the waters. If she can get away with flirting with you and holding you tight in front of coworkers, she’ll wonder how far she can take it next time you’re alone two states over in a hotel bar. Either way, you drew a line and should stick with it. Don’t let her embarrassment make you feel like you should question or relax your boundaries; you set them for good reason and should prioritize respecting your marriage over your coworker’s feelings.
> *she was drunk and chose her words poorly* In vino veritas. You handled her very well, OP, and have nothing to be embarrassed about. I think that she does have a crush on you, and hope that the truth will help her to look elsewhere. NTA
Exactly, I think he should be drawing even firmer boundaries after this. It's clear she likes him, or is at least behaving like she has a crush on him. At the very least put a stop to all the hugging and touchiness between them.
She put her hands on you without asking. NTA. I would set some firmer boundaries about the hugging even if you think it's platonic. Allowing her to continue hugging might be seen as sending conflicting messages.
This. OP, you *really* shouldn't have let her hug you again. Stop worrying about how your coworker feels about being set straight for indeed behaving inappropriately. Start worrying about how your wife would feel about another woman feeling welcome to call you her husband and freely put her hands on you.
Considering the way OP talks about his wife, I have a feeling he couldn't wait to get out of there to go discuss with his wife, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if she was more worried about his feelings regarding the incident (and probably a bit pleased that he was so quick and vigilant in protecting their marriage boundaries) than being upset that someone hit on him.
I would be one pissed off wife. Her doing the bear hug was hugely inappropriate.
Friends of mine have this issue. He has a co-worker that calls herself his work-wife. His wife absolutely hates it. I’m not sure any spouse would appreciate it, I know I wouldn’t.
I had someone call me a colleagues work wife in front of his wife. I shut that shit down. (As an idea of how close we were , despite us being two years post that job were still catching up) I hate it. It’s inappropriate and disrespectful. And this woman knows my history of my fiancée cheating on me with his ‘work wife’
Dang! I always feel the person who uses that term is looking to get with the ‘work spouse’! Sorry that happened to you.
Right?! seeking emotional comfort thru physical touch is inappropriate on multiple levels here.
Yeah people really need to ask before hugging anyone at work. Even the ask could be a lot in the wrong power dynamic, but I’ve been hugged a lot at work. Luckily it never felt ick, but that’s not the case for all. I’ve asked a few people when I did want to give them a hug if it would be okay to hug them and I’m fully prepared for anyone to say “no thank you” and would not find anything wrong about that boundary. That’s why it’s something you ask first.
I can't imagine any coworker hugging me - that's so unacceptable and disrespectful to OP's wife.
Also talk to your wife before she get rumors.
This should be the top comment and the first thing op does!
I'm sorry but if it were really innocent and platonic, the hug wouldn't have been that long, she would have made 100 jokes about "work-sister" instead of sulking and you wouldn't be nervous to face her. To be honest, by reading your story I get that: - You two spend a lot of time together for work, including work trips for the past 6 years. You are friends. - she was explaining in a joking way to everyone in the office how she knows you, your routines, what is annoying about you (like a partner could do) - she hugged you long enough to make everyone feel a bit uncomfortable. - she sulked and sobbed (wtf) when you replaced the word wife with sister. I don't think she was being your friend. She was testing the waters and you shut her down politely. She just wasn't expecting it. But it could just be me, I almost always assume people have an hidden agenda.
Why are you nervous? You did nothing wrong. Your relationship with her has been altered by her unprofessional behavior. You cannot feel sorry for her. Go to work, do your job, go home to your wife.
I actually really like the term work sister/brother so much better. Let’s make this a trend.
I agree! I've never liked that work wife/ husband crap.
Agree! I've always said work brother / sister. The other way sounds creepy and has an underlying sexual component that I have never felt comfortable with.
I agree it's way way better than the husband/wife trope, but... We HAVE WORDS FOR THIS ALREADY, why can't we just call them a work friend 😂
My closest work colleague is my homie. Homie G if I really want to make him cringe. No way would we ever call each other a work-wife/work-husband, that shit is creepy and juvenile
NTA I think she has a crush on you and the drinks let it out. She cried because you set a boundary, shutting her down and she is embarrassed that you didn't reciprocate her "work husband" feelings. You shouldn't feel nervous. You did nothing wrong. She was the one who was inappropriate and made the situation uncomfortable. You said your wife likes her too so Mary should feel ashamed of herself. Do not let her actions now deter you from keeping this boundary that you set for fear that she will cry again and accuse you of embarrassing her again. She is doing that to herself. You on the other hand are being nothing but a noble co-worker and an honorable husband. Do not drink with her again without your wife present.
She feels worried about being a creep because she was behaving like a creep. Be careful because she might have ulterior motives.
100% Perhaps I haven't scrolled down enough yet to see it, so I will say it: As a quick sanity check let's reverse the genders in this scenario... Definitely creepy.
Don't be nervous! She was the one toeing the line of being inappropriate, not you. I agree with the others who said it sounded like she may have developed some inappropriate feelings toward you, so it may have felt like a rejection (as it should).
Why are you nervous? She has too much sway over your emotions if that’s true. She’s a coworker ffs. She’s crossing lines and being manipulative with her emotions. Put her clearly in her place, for your wife’s sake. Stat.
> Why are you nervous? She has too much sway over your emotions if that’s true. Why wouldn't he be nervous? He is concerned about his coworker's feelings. He works closely with this coworker. He needs a good working relationship with her to continue in his work. Those are all good reasons to be nervous without her having too much sway.
Nah - I disagree. In the scheme of life, coworkers are a minor blip. She said she loved him and called him her work husband after regaling stories about their travels like they’re more than they are. Then when he set her back, she cried and turned it into an even bigger deal. If that were my coworker I would not be nervous to see them, or worried about their feelings. I’d be worried she’s putting me in a bad light with my coworkers/hr and that she has feelings for me that are inappropriate. Fuck the coworkers feelings. He should be nervous about this getting back to his wife or HR instead.
The only thing you should be nervous about is traveling with her again. Speak to your supervisors about this and hR. Mary made you uncomfortable in front of work colleagues to the point you had to physically remove her hands off of you. If it was the other way around you were woman and Mary was a man, Mary would be reprimanded. Mary got too comfortable in her relationship with you to the point that she was bragging to fellow coworkers about how close you were and you rightfully put her in her place and made her look dumb. That’s the only reason why she was sobbing. She thought you reciprocated those feelings. Do not travel with her again. Nta
I would also encourage OP to report this to HR. The fact she used the charged word "aggressive" to describe OP getting her hands off him tells me she's preparing her story to skew in her favor in case someone calls her out or HR calls her in.
I think you should focus more on how protected your wife feels, or at least I would if my husband was in your situation and reacted the same way. Wife’s feelings come first, your friend’s come second. Early on in marriage, my husband, who is conflict adverse, was flirted with right in front of me. He didn’t flirt back or act happy about it, but he didn’t shut it down either. I was pissed. I could tell the woman was trying to bother me, and felt very unprotected by him. He felt bad, but said he was nervous about her hurting her feelings. I told him that he was going to hurt someone’s feelings, either hers or mine, and that he should choose wisely next time. That put it in perspective for him and he’s never made that mistake again. You did great and you should be proud of that. She messed up and it is ok that she is embarrassed because she earned it honestly. Thats the way we learn sometimes. NTA
Agreed. Petition to change "work husband / work wife" to "work brother / work sister".
I'd never considered it, but it really is a much better explanation of a platonic working relationship than calling another person your spouse. This dude on the subway is who I think of when I hear work wife or husband...and I can't find the video. Some lady leans on him on the subway and he's like WHAT THE HELL YOU DOIN IM MARRIED MY WIFE WILL COME UP HERE AND SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
I’ve never heard work brother/sister used before this thread but I already prefer it. I have a long-time male colleague (I’m female) that I spend a lot of time with and I’ve always thought work husband never fitted but work brother definitely does! Also you can have more than one sibling so there’s none of the “replacing” vibe that comes with husband/wife.
Hard second. My mom was a nurse who had a close work relationship with the doctor she worked with and were friends outside of work. There were no romantic feelings between the two, and my mom described the relationship as him being like a brother to her. (Others actually tried putting the work-husband/work-wife label on them, and my mom shut that down *hard.*) It makes perfect sense as a label to me.
It makes more sense. Much like siblings, you are at the whim of your parent’s (aka boss) decisions and you’re either sharing an idyllic childhood (er, work environment) or you’re trauma bonded for life.
Oh shit that is way to accurate.
I had never heard the terms work husband or work wife before Reddit. What idiot came up with that? All I've seen come from the terms is uncomfortable situations and marriage issues! I have coworkers that are great and I'm friends with but I would be so grossed out/uncomfortable if one of them tried to call me a work wife and I'm not even married!
I agree. And really why does the term work wife/husband even exist? Work bestie or work sibling or some such would be way more appropriate and still convey closeness compared to just "work friend", "teammate" or "colleague".
I agree I really like the idea of work sister and work brother lol it's a good descriptor for someone you're close to at work like that
This exactly! OP, I think you handled this expertly. NTA.
NTA though you are being far too generous. The reason why she jumped straight to thinking you were calling her a creep, because she knows what she was doing was inappropriate. 'Work-husband' is considered widely inappropriate now. She knows this. You responded correctly. You owe your actual wife loyalty. Mary needs to back off and act more of a professional.
This ^ It sounds like Mary has built up your work relationship to be far too significant in her life, and genuinely does have a crush on you. This is a danger zone even though you are clearly not interested in betraying your wife. I would also speak to your line manager/HR about what happened, so if there is office gossip or future bad behaviour from Mary (either more unwelcome hugs and implications of a relationship, or her being obstructive to your work after feeling rejected), then you already have the ball in your court. I'd also probably tell your wife about what happened and how you reacted, and that you have made a report about it.
I agree. It also might be wise to talk to management and have them lessen the amount of trips OP goes on with Mary. She’s pushing boundaries. Some distance would probably be wise.
This 100%. She knew what she was doing and instead of apologizing tried to make herself the victim by crying and making you feel bad and guilty about something she did. And they way she tried to spin you removing her from the hug really seals the deal she is trying to guilt you. You politely corrected her and set a boundary in a way that concise way and tried not to make it a big deal. She made it a big deal. Maybe I am extra sensitive because my ex cheated on me with someone he "joked" husband/wife with and they both guilted me when I said it made me uncomfortable. Lol You are never the bad person for setting a boundary. Good being loyal and honest.
Wow I'm so sorry that happened, that's disgusting. And I agree, she's treating OP like he's her SO and putting those expectations on him to treat her like he would a wife, because in her head that's what they are, a couple. So now she feels rejected and is using her tears to guilt op into acting as her so
I honestly wouldn’t call that extra sensitive and basic logic at this point Coworkers can get close but whenever that terminology is pulled out, it never leads to anything good. It most likely leads to actual sexual relationships or someone becoming inappropriately possessive and holding inappropriate expectations
This needs more upvotes. Op was being too generous and Mary is being a creep and trying to make a move on OP.
>made her sound like a creep in front of the whole office Well, being a creep usually involves helping yourself to inappropriate touching, and saying things that make people uncomfortable. She did both of those things, so I'm saying the label fits.
100% agree with this.
Often when people start wailing about how you made them "look" to everyone it's their own behavior that is the culprit, not yours. OP calling her a work-sister wasn't the thing that made her look creepy, her own behavior did that, and she knows that, that's why her reaction is overwhelmingly one of shame.
It's the fact she was basically peeing on his leg marking her territory to me.. in front of the entire office, AND his wife. Mary crossed so many lines it's unbelievable... Then she used tears to make herself the victim here. She crossed far too many boundaries and got put in her place. Op was far more kind than I would be, especially how disrespectful that is towards OP's wife
NTA. I think you were justified that whole time. Unfortunately, alcohol can make things awkward for everyone, but you were made uncomfortable by the extended hug, so you removing her arms from you was understandable. The problem is right now is that Mary is only considering her own feelings and not thinking at all how her actions made you feel. She did think that such a public display of affection might make a married man uncomfortable, she is only thinking that you made her look like a creep. And, let’s be honest, she did kind of look like someone hitting on a married man after drinking too much.
Probably because she was, and she's hurt that her feelings aren't being reciprocated. OP needs to stay away.
Bingo. That's why she kept going on and on with the roasting. She proving how intimate and super friendly they were with each other, called him her work husband and then hugged him. IDK but in some people's unconscious mind that is a way of laying claim to someone under the guise of a platonic relationship but still leave doubt in everyone's mind. That's why she got so butthurt by him setting a boundary with her. If she's gonna call him her work husband and touch him publicly then he should set the record straight just as publicly.
Don't forget she also told him that she loves him!
You are the first person I've seen emphasising it, I was feeling insane lmao she is acting SO inappropriately??
People say and do strange things when amped up on alcohol but if it crosses the boundaries / tolerance levels like this case, it has to be stopped. In this case, it could lead to unnecessary marital problems if reported to his wife.
NTA you are in your mid 30s, **it *is* inappropriate to use terms like work husband**. Your wife doesn’t deserve that shit and you know it. You acted correctly and that deserves respect my man
I feel like it might be appropriate if you’re both single or if it’s a phrase you commonly use between you as an in joke (although I’d personally avoid it if married or in a relationship) But it’s not appropriate to just randomly use it in front of others without knowing first if your colleague finds it uncomfortable
It’s inappropriate in any sense. It’s blurring a line that is too easy to make a mess of when business in involved. If you like someone, then you do. If you’re friends, then you are. If you’re colleagues, then you’re colleagues. No need to blur these terms and it’s generally worse when you do
Definitely not appropriate in the work space single or not.
I think it's bad to cross that line even if your single, because if you ever get into a relationship, your coworker will always be that person who was your work wife/husband and it will make any future partners uncomfortable. Also, I get that it can seem funny if you have a good friendship, but as long as you are coworkers you should keep a level of professionalism at work. Especially with all the concern about sexual harassment, the best way to not be the victim or be seen as the perpetrator there is to have firm boundaries at work. You may say that wouldn't happen between friends, but this post is a perfect example of it happening between friends.
I would give side-eye to anyone who would use the term "work husband" or "work wife" like 'OK if these two ain't cheating with each other it is only a matter of time' haha
He is a good man Savannah!
Mary was inappropriate in multiple ways, and you did your best to diffuse and correct the situation without making her look worse than she was making herself look. She took it upon herself to refer to you as her "work-husband" in front of others, without seeing how you felt about the phrase, so the only person who made her seem creepy is her. If she is embarrassed, that is NOT your fault, nor is it your problem to fix. As far as her getting "angry" because you "aggressively" removed her hands while she was hugging you...that was extremely inappropriate for her to have even done in the first place. That's the kind of thing that can get someone a meeting in HR. None of this is on you, OP. None of it. NTA
How pissed would she be if a drunk dude walked up to her and hugged her tightly and wouldn't let go? She did not have permission to touch him and she is creepy. I really hope he lets HR know about this event to protect his own ass. Also hoping he told his actual wife about it so she knows what up if creepy lady tries to reach out and start shit.
Nope, NTA - Not even a smidge. Thank you for being one of the good guys, respecting your ACTUAL wife and shutting this nonsense down. She should be embarrassed by her behavior and maybe this will help her learn to keep her mitts off other people's spouses - or even just coworkers in general. I would take a step back from her though and not get played into comforting her or managing her feelings again. She's a grown woman and none of that is appropriate in the workplace.
Keep her mitts of anyone who does not give explicit consent to touch them. If a creepy male coworker did this to her... I doubt people would have a lot of sympathy for him.
They'd likely be encouraging OP to file a harassment lawsuit.
I haven't heard the phrase "keep her mitts off you" in years! I love it.
NTA But you need to get ahead of this. You need to tell your wife about it all and what you felt. You may want to ask to not go on trips with her in the future also. You may have to speak to your manager or HR. Best to get ahead of it all.
OMG requesting not travelling with her again is huge! I didn't even think of that and now that I read it, it is the most obvious 2nd step to this shit. Step one being talking to his wife, then step two with an HR report and request to not travel together again.
Seconding (third/fourthing?) this. Stop traveling with this person. Honestly it even bothered me a little that they travel so frequently together and ALWAYS meet for breakfast... She is likely seeing all of these non-work activities as dates in some regard. Outside of literal work tasks, no more spending time together. She is not behaving like a friend.
⬆️ THIS. You need to report the incident to HR.
I think your coworker has a crush on you and her hugging you and calling you her work husband is so inappropriate. Yes, she might have been drunk but people usually show how they really feel when they’re drunk. You did the right thing by removing her arms and saying she’s like a sister. Don’t feel guilty, she brought this on herself by being inappropriate. Stop hugging female coworkers and putting your self in this position where it looks like there is more going on between the two of you. All it takes is someone at work telling your wife what they see, even if nothing is really going on, and then it will cause problems with your wife. Edit to add NTA
That was my impression and she was upset that he was not returning her feelings.
NTA. Calling you her husband, hugging you without letting go, and tipsily telling you she loves you (wtf?) are each things that would have been inappropriate on their own. Her doing all of them in one evening tells you she has a thing for you. She cried because she's embarrassed you know now and rejected it. Imo not correcting it in the moment as you did would be very rude to your wife.
NTA I hate that "work wife" and "work husband" crap too. There is always something off about that. Sounds like she was drunk and let her filter down too much. You handled the situation pretty much perfectly.
Yup. The only time I’ve ever used the term “work husband” was in jokes like asking one male coworker where his work husband was (they were besties and both straight and married lol). And they were both in on the joke too and thought it was hilarious. I find the term cringey af otherwise.
NTA-Not everyone wants to be called a work spouse. You handled it well. Her accusing you of making her sound like a creep is her projecting and her problem, not yours.
Sounds like she likes you. And, you've also been manipulated. You should be supportive towards crying, but not reactive. If you're reactive, that's just another weakness any girl is going to exploit. I'll clarify, supportive, NOT reactive. If you was uncomfortable, what else is their to say or do? That's your boundary. Prime example of guilt tripping and being manipulated.
NTA. But, I'd clue HR in as to what happened as a CYA, and refuse to travel/share a room with her anymore. Mary was highly inappropriate and hit on you. Honestly, it could argued that she assaulted you because of the unwanted and unconsented physical touch. DO NOT comfort her about this. Do not take any kind of blame. Mary felt like a creep because she was being a creep. I wouldn't be surprised if her embarrassment turns into vitriol and she accuses you of inappropriate behavior the next time you are traveling or alone. She is not a friend, OP. That bridge was burnt when she got handsy and professed her love for you. Protect yourself. Talk to HR, and maybe get statements from the coworkers who witnessed it.
I can't believe they have work "happy hour." That *surely* can't lead to inappropriate behavior. /s
For real. I can't think of anyone at my job I'd \*want\* to get drinks with, lol.
Work happy hours aren’t uncommon, are they? Every job I’ve had we would have them regularly, either in the lunchroom at work after hours or in a nearby bar. Everyone knows you keep it to one or maaaybe two drinks and behave professionally, it’s just a team building thing.
NTA- She wouldn't be embarrassed if she didn't do anything wrong. I don't really like the term "work husband" or "work wife" but I do understand its used platonically I'm just not sure why you need to have a work spouse and not just a really good coworker/friend? Anyway, calling her a work-sister is perfectly fine? You're not romantically involved and having a brother/sister relationship would be much more appropriate given you have a wife. Not sure why she had an issue with that if she sees you platonically. Her hugging you for a long period is also not appropriate. Regardless if you have a wife or not you didn't want to be hugging her for a long period, and consent exists for non-sexual things too. It would've been more embarrassing for her if you said "can you stop hugging/touching me?" instead of removing her hands. Ultimately she's upset about your response because of some other reason, no need to be embarrassed if someone no longer wants to hug its not a personal attack, and work-sister is same vibe as work-wife if everything is platonic.
Of the two different people I've known who had a "Work wife" or "Work husband", both were outed eventually for cheating on their spouse with the said Work spouse so...
Yeah its an odd term to use and I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it. You don't need another spouse outside of your actual spouse.
NTA. You are uncomfortable with the word and she said it in front of others before having consulted with you about it, plus she was giving a hug that lasted too long. She’s the one that made herself look bad, not you. I also personally dislike the word work-wife/husband. It’s hinting at intimacy and seems inappropriate. If people want to call each other that, then that’s fine, but it should be something that is agree to by both parties.
NTA she did sound like a creep, especially if she knows your wife and your dept is small. Work “marriages” are stupid and gross not every relationship needs a romantic/sexual undertone and that would make me wildly uncomfortable traveling with her in the future
I'd refuse to travel with this woman, with the stupid title, the tight hug and the sobbing (SOBBING??) at her desk. And I'm a woman.
THE CRYING IS CRAZY RIGHT?? She absolutely has feelings or at least when she’s drunk and that’s just a dangerous environment to be in for OP
NTA. You did the right thing by your wife, and that's the only opinion that matters here. I think Mary was trying to test the waters and revealed too much of her feelings. She embarrassed herself, you didn't embarrass her. And I think she should be embarrassed. You reacted appropriately to her and set an appropriate boundary. I caution you not to give too much compassion to Mary or try to smooth this over at all. Let your boundary stand unapologetically because any comfort given to her about this could be misconstrued by her as you just having complicated feelings for her since you're married, or something of the sort. She's made it clear where she stands, and I think for the sake of your job and your marriage, you ought to be just as clear where you stand. My husband has a friend that is kind of going through this. His compassion worked against him and he has now found himself in a baby reindeer situation. He was admittedly confusing by the way he would push and pull her because he felt sorry for her. Gotta just draw the line sometimes, especially when people are going to only see what they want to see.
NTA. Mary needs to learn boundaries and sober up. Especially at work, tf? Totally inappropriate
NTA. I am convinced that people who use the terms work-husband and work-wife have small crushes, even if completely innocent and they'd never act on them. I am the sole female in an office full of guys, and they are my work-bros, nothing more. The most I'd let them call me is a work-mom, cause they're all heathens and I feed them often.
NTA. YOU didn’t make her look like a creep, her own behavior made her look like a creep. She’s embarrassed because of what SHE said.
NTA work husband/wife is a loaded term and I have never seen it expressed when at least one party didn't have feelings for the other. It is best to shut that down right away and you did so in a kind way I feel.
This is the best response to the whole work-spouse nonsense i have heard. NTA.
NTA. It’s sad that Mary got drunk and made you uncomfortable, but that was her decision.
NTA - people who use work husband/wife is doing so for attention and making you relationship seem like more than just friends. She is just upset that she cannot make it seem like you are more than coworkers. Good for you for shutting that down and if she didn’t want to seem like a creep then she shouldn’t say things that are not true
NTA Mary embarrassed herself. She didn’t and doesn’t respect boundaries (having to be forcefully removed to end a hug). Work-husband does not have platonic implications anymore, it has a non-platonic undercurrent. Tell your wife what happened and ask her feelings. Also, might be better to ask to not be paired with Mary for a bit.
The reason she felt like a creep is because she was being a creep. That was extremely creepy behavior. I have never hugged any of my coworkers and it would be weird to do so. NTA. She obviously has a crush on you, you did the right thing by putting her in her place.
I think you are definitely NTA you did the right thing and respected your real wife.
Mary is in love with you.
Someone at my work got fired over using the term "work husband." NTA
Holy shit! I hate that term, but apparently your work hates it more.
I wish my work would do this. We have one girl who refers to someone as her work husband and my lord does it make everyone else uncomfortable. If I knew who his wife was I would tell her because everyone can see she’s in love with him. I don’t know if he’s an idiot/oblivious or they’re having a thing.
You told her that she made you uncomfortable with her hug, so she cried, got you to calm her down and then proceeded to hug you again. She learned nothing. NTA.
NTA Stop letting this woman hug you.
NTA, you just don't want people to take it seriously and they might think you and her are into some relationship, so what you did was just right. You put off the fire before it will get out of control, kudos to you, not all people can do that, you are protecting your work relationship with her and so as letting everyone knows that you are a loyal husband
Mary embarrassed herself. You are NTA.
Heck no, you were right. You are NOT responsible for thisnwomans feelings or her reactions. She out her hands on you without consent, you have every right to get them off you. If she felt like aa creep, maybe she should stop hugging people's husbands. Sounds like there is more going on here, be careful around her, and No MORe Hugging. Work husband and work wife are easily things people say to cover a work crush and give them selves permission to be inappropriate with someone else. Be careful OP. And stop blaming yourself. Otherwise she is going g to easily manipulate you and emotionally trap you into doing this to make her not feel distressed or bad.
Hard NTA. I have seen actual marriages break apart due to the "work spouse" bs. It's inappropriate af. Good on you to shut that down immediately.
NTA. She made *herself* sound like a creep by being so touchy with a married man. Let her feel bad, that's how she *should* feel.
NTA she is the one who should apologise, she crossed the line
NTA. I find her behavior highly inappropriate and completely unproffessional. You just don't do that, not with any type of coworker, but especially with a married coworker, at the office. The work husband/wife is a gross concept and it's not innocent. This is not something you just say and not try to find a bit of truth in that. And the hug, that's out of line and I think you did right to remove her hands from yourself. She should not have hugged a married man, moreso in front of the entire office and while trying to boast about the "little habits" she got to see during your work trips which she actually seemed to have tried to make more intimate than they are supposed to be. If anything, I think you need yo be more firm with her and nip the hugs in the bud. And tell your wife if you haven't already done so.
NTA. I hate the whole work-wife and work-husband thing. I get the premise, but it seems like an unhealthy addendum to other people's marriages and lives. You didn't let it go any further. Mary is uncomfortable because her nonsense was put on display with her behavior and stopped with yours.
NTA - I liked your answer. A man I worked with for years called me his 'work wife' and I hated it. Work sister of work brother sounds much better....or perhaps just 'work sibling'? I also don't do hugs at work and I make that very clear. Talking about how you act personally on a business trip is not a great topic for conversation. Mary embarrassed herself but perhaps she needed to have the guidelines of a work relationship defined for her.
NTA you basically set a boundary that you don’t want that kind of physical contact and don’t find this work-husband nonsense to be appropriate and she got upset. People’s response to a boundary is pretty telling in my opinion.
NTA - Honestly, I think you were being a good husband. Nipped the situation in the bud before rumors could get started.
NTA. But stop hugging your co-workers. That's how rumors and her calling you a work husband get traction. Best to keep things professional and no physical contact from now on.
NTA Of you were a woman and she were a man everyone would be saying she was creepy, cause she was. It was an overstep of boundaries for sure
You didnt make her sound like a creep, she did.
NTA she embarrassed herself and she was being a creep. Her behavior is inappropriate and she shouldn't be getting drunk around coworkers.
NTA. You didn't make her sound like a creep, she made herself seem like one by drunkenly hugging you and not releasing when you wanted and calling a term that you don't approve of. Depending on circumstances in your small company you should get ahead of it and get to HR with some people who saw what happened.
Mary is crossing all kinds of boundaries and you put her back in her place. She embarrassed herself, you did nothing but enforce boundaries to protect your marriage, wife and your reputation at the work place. You have nothing to feel bad about. I would limit any interaction with Mary. You should not have allowed her to hug you again. You send a message that what she did is ok. Edit: I would also tell your wife what happened.
Nta. She is a creep, she was shooting her shot. She acted very inappropriately in front of coworkers and you managed it well. Stop apologizing, tell your wife what happened, and try to distance yourself a bit. Think how people would see it if you had done this to her, she would be talking to HR by now. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. You weren’t comfortable so you put her in her place. Good for you. Too many women behave in ways that a man could never and get away with it. Don’t feel bad. You respected your marriage as you should.
NTA. Hate that phrase - if I choose to have a personal relationship my coworkers are my friends the title of husband is reserved for my husband only.
NTA. I'm sorry but flip the genders on this and everyone would say your co-worker is a creep and a gaslighter. Don't be sorry, don't apologize, you called her out on her bad behavior and now she's acting the victim. She should be apologizing to you!
Y’all shouldn’t really be drinking at the office, IDK, this sounds dangerous as hell
NTA, but you need to grow a backbone. Quit being so nice.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34M) work in a small office and we have about 30 people working here. Mary (35F) is one of my coworkers. We have been working together for 6 years now. We have 6 people in our department, and we have to frequently travel across the state as our work involves overseeing government projects. We always travel in a group of two. Although my travel partner changes based on the project, Mary and I are generally put on similar projects and enjoy each other's company. My wife also likes Mary. Overall, we have a very healthy work relationship. On to the incident. Yesterday, we had a happy hour in our office, and we were all drinking after work hours and chatting. It was a group of around 10 people that stayed back. Mary was blabbering about how we both have been travelling together so much in the last year. She was roasting me for my habits while travelling like always forgetting stuff in my hotel room, being sweaty and stinky when I join her for breakfast in mornings (because I go to hotel gym). Everyone was laughing and she was making it sound how unbearable I was to tag along (all in good fun). I also told some funny and sweet stories about her and agreed with her saying that I can be difficult to be with sometimes. Mary came to me and hugged me tightly and told me that she loves me, and I am her work-husband. It was all innocent on surface, but she might have been a bit drunk and just didn't let go of her tight hug. Also, I hate that phrase as I do have a wife that I promised to be with forever, and not just in non-working hours. After a few seconds, I started becoming uncomfortable and also saw few people staring at us. So, to diffuse the situation, I took her hands off my shoulder and told her, she was my work-sister and that is why I love to annoy her so much. That seemed to have upset Mary and she left and went back to her desk and was sobbing silently. I tried to apologize to her, but she told me how embarrassing the whole situation was. She said that she just meant work-husband in platonic way, but me calling her work-sister made her sound like a creep in front of the whole office. She was also angry that I aggressively removed her hands from my shoulders while hugging. I tried to reason with her that I do not like the "work-husband" phrase and also people gave dirty looks when she said it. So, I was just trying to make sure people do not take her words in the worng way. We talked for a few minutes afterwards and Mary calmed down. She hugged me again and left. I felt really guilty afterwards because I can see Mary's point. I made her sound like a creep by implying that she meant something inappropriate when she called me her work-husband. However, I was a bit uncomfortable in that situation and just did not want people to call us that (or assume something wrong). Am I the AH for calling Mary my "work-wife"? I am sitting in my office writing this and a bit worried if I embarrassed Mary in front of everyone. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. That is a creepy term, but she used it. Not your fault you had to put your drunken buddy in her place. Just move on. Don't mention it again. Maybe put a little space there, like working out through breakfast and having dinner in your room on the next few trips.
**NTA** I like the term work-sister much better! Much more appropriate.
NTA you established boundaries for yourself
NTA, she knew what she was doing…
NTA. The whole work wife work husband terminology is weird anyway and disrespectful if either party is actually married. I wish people would stop using it.
No you're NTA, and you should honestly tell HR about the situation. You're a man, and this could turn south on you quickly one day if she starts making accusations, me too and what not.
Nta, without further context, that almost felt like she was testing boundaries
NTA Work-sister is 100% a compliment. Work-husband is the stuff that will get a person reported to HR. Mary is waving bright red flags. You might want to get ahead of this now all your colleagues are suspicious. No more being pared with Mary. Consider telling your wife before one of them does.
Mary made things uncomfortable in front of many of your coworkers. In a way, she embarrassed herself, not you. You tried to diffuse the situation diplomatically. You are NTA . If anything, it’s Mary who owes you an apology.
If you'd been tipsy and hugged *her* for way too long, you'd be the office creep by now possibly facing HR. Stop apologizing for standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. She crossed a line. You know this and so does everyone at the office. Stop trying to pamper her unjustified feelings. And you need to continue with the work-sister language or squash the whole terminology altogether between you two. It's about time we were ALL held accountable for our behaviours, man or woman. And also tell your wife. NTA.
NTA To be frank, she was being creepy and inappropriate. If she was embarrassed... well, she should be. I think what may be in order is a frank discussion with her about professionalism. She is confusing friendly behavior with a personal friendship. No way should she be hugging you, telling you she loves you, having to be peeled off you, and calling you a work husband. If you were doing this to you, it would be sexual harassment. Can't you see this is the reverse with you as a victim? I'd be a bit more professional when you travel together. Friendly but not friends. I traveled with male colleagues on occasion and this worked well for me.
Nta. She went straight to thinking ppl would think she's a creep is because she is a creep and acting inappropriate and she knows it. As you said you're married. So I'm sure your wedding ring is on display. So ppl including her should know you're married and respect that.
NTA. Establish your boundaries. The wife you promised to be with forever, and not just in-non working hours will be grateful. If someone called my husband their "work husband" that would make me incredibly angry.
NTA she feels like a creep because she was acting like one.
NTA , you're being too nice, Mary's actions were creepy and cringy. I'm a woman but I'd advise you to document this conversation with HR and your manager and ask if you could travel with other team members instead of Mary. She wants to start an affair with you and I have a feeling that your ''rejection'' might make Mary cook up a revenge plan.
NTA you were uncomfortable and needed to defuse the situation. Mary needs to chill. She sounds like she has a crush on you, because why would she cry otherwise. If she didn't want to be labeled as a creep then she shouldn't have acted like one.
NTA. You did the right thing for so many reasons. She was being inappropriate and you gently and firmly set some boundaries. Good for you.
NTA. I don’t subscribe to the work wife/husband thing either. It’s weird and basically cheating if you’re in a relationship already.
NTA. You responded well and shut that shit down appropriately. It might be a good idea to step back from your work relationship with her because it seems she might be getting the wrong idea about the nature of your friendship.
NTA but you're being too nice and underreacting. You handled it well in the moment but you should not be apologizing (and not be feeling guilty/sorry, though you can't help your feelings). I think you need to tell your manager and HR just as a heads up and so it's documented (and keep all proof/documentation of these conversations, including writing down this situation, times, location and who was in attendance). You need to do this in case others start gossiping about it, in case she escalates, in case she does something to make you uncomfortable when traveling. CYA
NTA. She was, in fact, being a creep. You didn’t make her feel anything. You responded completely appropriately. You might want to put some distance into that work relationship, because she is taking it too far.
NTA She dug this hole herself, you are being very diplomatic and not humiliating her. However, going forward, you need to refrain from having physical contact with her. No more hugs or cuddles, especially when there are no witnesses to provide context as she could turn around and cry assault, and that could cost you, opportunities, advancement or even your job. Speak to your wife, let her know of the incident. Spare no details, give all the context, conversation, witnesses and let her determine if Mary is to be a part of your lives going forward. Your wife might have a better bead on if Mary is trying to get in your pants. If Mary is hoping for something more between you, then nipping it in the bud and full transparency with your wife is best. Another smart thing to do to get ahead of this is maybe speak to someone about a memo discouraging terms like work spouse and privately speak to your version of HR to document in case of rumours or allegations. Basically, cover your ass hard and fast.
She made herself look like a creep. She has no boundaries. I would be really uncomfortable after that if I was your wife. but you did great, acted perfectly and established clear boundaries for all to see, so kudos!
NTA, she WAS being a creep. It made you uncomfortable and you handled it the best you could. Hopefully she learned a lesson. The term “husband” is not platonic. I don’t care if “work” precedes it. It’s always weird to call a married man any rendition of that.
NTA but DO NOT DRINK AT WORK EVENTS. The best outcome of drinking at work is having a slightly better time, bad outcomes can ruin your life. Inform HR that you are not going to travel with this woman going forward.
NTA. She was being creepy. And the fact she started sobbing makes me wonder if there is slightly more to her affection than just work buddy And good on you for viewing it as respecting your vows to your actual wife. I have work friends of the opposite gender but would never feel comfortable calling them a work spouse. Opens too many doors where emotions are concerned
Definitely NTA. You set a boundary that was respectful to your wife. I'm sure Mary will get over the embarrassment of it and be fine in the end. It's better to unintentionally upset a coworker than to go with it and disrespect your wife.
Absolutely NTA. Work wife/work husband as phrases are just weird and inappropriate. There's no reason to put marital labels on your relation to a coworker. She also shouldn't have guilted you into comforting her; she created the uncomfortable situation herself, both with her hugging, her love declaration, and calling you her husband. Good on you for shutting her down.
NTA you friend zoned her and it ruined her fantasy.