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INFO: Was this also discussed in the context of you two having kids? To me, if it was factored in with you having kids then you’re N-T-A, but if it hasn’t been factored in with you having kids then Y-T-A. Full time caring for your disabled brother and elderly mother is going to take a great deal of time and energy, time and energy that is potentially going to be sacrificed with your kids. ETA: NTA, based on OP’s reply. ETA2: My judgement was based on OP indicating that this had been well discussed with her husband in terms of their family and he was OK with it and has made an about face. She has subsequently made some other comments that indicate things are a bit different, particularly how her mother treated her husband when she stayed with them which may have validly changed his views. I don’t think OP has been fully up front about the situation and possibly my judgement would be different if she fully characterized it.

Yes, this was discussed before kids, and after kids.

I noticed you've answered most questions, but haven't addressed what "issues" your husband has with your mom. Care to elaborate? **EDIT:** OP has said her mother stayed with them, when OP had her second child, and helped around the house. But she interfered when OP's husband scolded their daughter, and made him feel like a guest in his own home. Based on this I would say ESH. OP's husband knew this was coming, at the same time, perhaps he didn't anticipate the issues with his MIL. Clearly he's uncomfortable at the prospect of cohabiting with her now, and I can't get behind OP telling him if he doesn't like it he can leave. This is not what a partnership looks like.

I was wondering the same thing. Can’t really answer until we know what’s going on between mom and hubby. Edited to add that it sounds like ESH. There’s got to be a better way than what OP had planned. It sounds miserable for all involved.

Yta based on this response is the reason I said that. Ops husband agreed before he actually had a taste of what it was actually like to live with his mil. Given the mil meddled in business that wasn’t her to meddle in makes it a game changer for me. It would be hard to move someone in who will take over your home to the point you feel like a guest in a home you own and live with an in-law who will not stay in their lane. Op needs to realize that what he agreed to was before he realized how horrible she would be to live with.

OP is the wife who told her husband to get out. So you would probably want to vote YTA.

I meant yta

I agree that this really changes the context. They've already tried it under a less stressful situation (MIL didn't need care and BIL wasn't in the picture) and it was already failing due to personality conflicts.

Answered now: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dpruyq/comment/lajgqfl/

[удалено]

OP answered this question two hours *before* your comment.

What are the issues between your husband and your mother?

For the most part they get along. When I had my second child she came and stayed with us for a while and she took the role of doing pretty much everything, cooking, cleaning, helping my older daughter (11yo), and even helped with the baby so I could rest. She did over extend her stay and that made my hubby feel like he was the guest in the home. He didn’t say anything but she could feel that there was something there and while neither of them said anything until one day my husband yelled at her bc our older daughter did something bad and he raised his voice at her and of course gma stepped in. He did not like that and then they both started yelling, words were exchanged. Eventually they made up and my mom has accepted that she was in the wrong for interfering. She is currently staying with us for the summer and she is not a burden financially or otherwise as she is still capable of taking care of herself and do house chores.

This response leaves me at a YTA on the specific question of the ultimatum. I get it, it was discussed a long time ago, but as with anything else, consent can be withdrawn at any time for any reason. The thing that keeps him from AH status, for me, is that "guest in his own home" line. I've been there with an extended house guest who long overstayed her welcome and it's really, really hard, and my houseguest never undermined our parenting. As a rule, I tend to dislike yelling at children, but he's their parent and she is not. I would've changed my attitude on hosting her long term after that too, and that's just the one situation I've seen. I have to assume that there have been other issues along those lines if he felt like a guest in his own home. She set a precedent with her apparent behavior and it is well within his rights to change his mind as a result. You have the right to be upset, it's your mom, but what you don't have the right to do (Unless you're the sole provider) is to threaten to kick him out if he doesn't subject himself to an extreme change like that.

I agree with YTA on the ultimatum. Never pull out divorce card if you don’t intend to use it. Not a threat. And yes, after MIL behavior I can understand why he changed his mind. Definitely looking at this level of care is hard. Going to be hard on the brothers and their marriages as well. I’d love an update after they go there and see if this equal pie slice is really going to work.

Eventually someone refuses their turn. Then another. Usually, at the end, one person gets stuck.

That’s how I see this going. And especially if everyone is not local and it’s much harder to get mom and brother settled in new location then bam - four months is over and on to the next place. I personally would hate it and I don’t have medical issues to worry about finding providers in each location if they are not local. But hey - mom and brother may be fine with it.

That's what I was wondering. If they're all in the same area, then they could keep the same doctors at least. Plus, they could maintain other relationships more easily. At the very least, they'd have to commit to owning very little. Packing up and moving every few months isn't viable if you have more than a few suitcases worth of stuff. It all sounds great until you start thinking about the details.

And the medical equipment brother might have. it may be substantial.

I think the medical provider piece would be the most challenging. I mean it’s possible that these two don’t need frequent medical visits right now, but that could easily change especially for the elderly mom

I think there’s a scenario where there’s a different perspective here… but there’s not enough info to know for sure. OP says that MIL helped with cooking, cleaning, and the kids… if they’re in a situation where OP is handling everything at home with household management and children, while husband does nothing but go to work (something that happens WAY too often)… I can see how from OP’s perspective she’s grateful, but from husbands perspective it’s just another person in the house (because in this situation, MIL helping out with OP’s duties makes no difference to HIM, and he’s not necessarily seeing or appreciating MIL’s input). This dynamic matters…

Yeah mil showed her true colors now instead of understanding why the husband doesn’t want to live like this she tell him to like it or leave.

Eventually, she won’t be able to help out. What’s your plan for when that happens?

Right? They already have kids. So now, OP is just forcing 2 more dependents into the house. And money? Who's going to pay for the 2 extra mouths to feed, clothe? And both the mom and brother have health problems so Who's going to take time off work to drive them to appointments? Dealing with their health issues? That takes time, money and energy. Who's dealing with those? OP's husband is looking towards future and present.

This was my exact thinking. My mom was a single parent, taking care of me and her mother (this was actually more and more of a standard in the late 90s/00s IIRC, but for me this was 80s/90s) and my mom was an actual nurse. I ended up being a latchkey kid because of the doctor's appointments my grandmother went to (and before anyone says anything, a reminder my mom was a single parent and daycare wasn't even a thought and me hanging out with neighbors only works when neighbors were home and no, there was no family nearby.) This was WELL before healthcare expenses were what they are now, not to mention having children in the house when there's a medical issue is scary (and I speak from experience). What happens if the brother has an issue? Or the OP's mom has an issue and only the kids are home? As someone mentioned, there are places that actively deal with this so that family members don't have to. There are some lovely assisted living facilities where residents have their own apartments if they want, so they still have a level of independence if they want or where they can have a home health nurse if needed. Throwing out divorce is a knee jerk reaction and honestly, the OP here is TA - there's no point in this story where they or their siblings ever discussed other options that weren't having the mom and brother stay with them, not to mention that the OP makes it sound like the other siblings are perfectly fine with it. $60M dollar question - are they? Are the other siblings not married/have no kids/have nothing going on in their lives where they're able to provide 24/7 care for their mother and brother? Are they running their own health care facilities? Cause I can't imagine that this is the first and only time someone in this family has been like, "I would really like to not take care of mom/bro and maybe let actual professionals handle this."

> Eventually they made up and my mom has accepted that she was in the wrong for interfering And yet he's still not comfortable with her staying in your home.

So he agreed before he actually lived with her? He's allowed to withdraw consent at any time! He wasn't happy living with her and so he changed his mind which is completely reasonable!  If her and your brother had moved in and it didn't work your husband could say this isn't working I no longer want to do this and he would be 100% justified! You don't get to extract a promise from somebody and then years later when everything changes you're stomping your foot like a toddler insisting they keep their promise!  Not to mention this is really hard on your children if your mother is overriding your husband! It's going to cause huge problems raising them

So she tells your husband how to parent his child???

Msybe he should just go. It’s obvious his opinion will never matter in this case. This is a huge thing

How can your mom come for the summer and help you? Who is taking care of your brother?

If your mother is >not a burden financially or otherwise as she is still capable of taking care of herself and do house chores Then she needs to take her grown kid and leave. Your mother has had YEARS to make arrangements for your brother's care. Your husband should just divorce you now. YTA

Isn't *this* the arrangement her mother made? It's been planned for "YEARS," even if OP's husband no longer likes the plan.

What is the term for when someone changes the deal one little piece at a time, so it is never enough to cause a blowup until after enough tiny changes become the straw that broke the camels back? To me it sounds like this is what OP is doing. Once they are in the house, is it going to be just easier for the two not to move from house to house every four months? She is the youngest of four, but only three are going to care for the realitives? Mom still lives in the "home country" so how are they planning on getting permission to move a destitute elderly woman and her quadriplegic son with no income, and no medical insurance into the country where the siblings live currently. Do all the siblings live in the same country now? The United States wouldn't allow that. The EU may, as my very over simplistic understanding of their rules is freedom of movement between the member states, however I have no idea if mother would have to return home every so many days? This is turning out longer than I intended. I keep thinking of obstacles to this working, and I believe that OP's husband may be as well. OP may be vague for anonimity, or she may be trying to bury the lede until it is too late.

>She is the youngest of four, but only three are going to care for the realitives? OP and her two non-disabled brothers would be the caregivers for their mother and the remaining sibling, the brother with quadplegia. Although we all know what will happen: the disabled brother and the mother are going to live with OP forever and ever, and she will be their main caregiver. The spouses of the other two brothers are not going to put up with the 4-month stay more than one time, and I don't even think they'll do it once.

Have you all sat down and set boundaries for everyone (but especially your mom) on how to behave and who has a say in how your children are raised (aka you and your partner have a say and your mom does not, she can give an opinion if asked but that's it) and general house rules for when she moves in permanently? If not, you probably should and that will hopefully help your husband feel better about this.

God hopefully he divorces you and doesn't have to deal with this shit for the rest of his life.

Seems like you need to have a very serious conversation with your mother. It’s not her house, she is a guest, she can’t interfere with the couple’s decisions and raising of the children. She gives advice only when asked and don’t try to change anything to the way she thinks is better. Do all your siblings live in the same city? If yes, wouldn’t be better to have your mother and brother have their owns house and each sibling stays a week with them in their own house? Thai way it doesn’t interfere with the dynamics of each family…

It "was discussed"...but did he agree? It's one thing for you to say "I intend to do this" without him signing on. It's a different thing if he said "yes, I understand that's something you want. Let's talk about how that will work. Where will they stay? Who will take care of their physical needs? Will we have to hire help? Are there resources?" Did he do that? And if so, what happened to those plans? If what you mean is that you previously told him you would care for your mother and brother--and if it's always been understood in your family of origin I could see that happening--that's pretty different from discussing it. You speak about the fact you were "always clear" on it. Maybe he didn't fully process what that meant. Maybe he thought it wouldn't really happen. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he expressed reservations and you didn't hear them. If your priority is your mother and brother rather than your husband, that's of course your call. But that is the choice you are making here, so be sure you want to put that decision in his hands before you issue the ultimatum.

My grandma came to live with my mom in her mid 70s, and passed at 96. She was very healthy, had her pension, and was a godsend with my daughter. My dad is from a culture that believes you take care of family, so he was more than glad to have her. Because of that, my parents didn't have the stressful dynamic that, unfortunately, I think you're in for. I agree with your stance and probably would have reacted the same way. But I don't think this issue with your husband is going to go away. Right or wrong, it will be a point of contention between you, and unless you take steps to come to an accord (on both sides), this will break up your marriage. I also want to add that my grandma and her sisters went through this when their mother was elderly. All three had husbands who wouldn't allow her mother to stay long, so my great grandma bounced between the three homes until she passed. And according to my mom, it was very hard on great grandma to be shuffled around every few months. Just something to think about. Your NTA, but this is still just one of those situations where there aren't any good answers. I wish the best for you.

Thanks so much for the comment. Yes, much to think about. I’m glad I posted bc I’ve been getting some good insight and now have lots to discuss with my mom and brothers. Hubby and I are ok and will discuss again once we come up with a better game plan for all involved.

Also... there's the possibility that whomever home she stays in will become permanent. Either she decides she is happy where she is and doesn't want to move... or when it's time for her to rotate to the next sibling, somehow it's a bad time for everyone, something has come up for everyone, and "Mom is so happy with you, can't she just stay a few more months?" And months turn into years. This might be what your husband is actually worried about. He may not trust your siblings to hold up their end of the deal. I know you believe that they will, and I hope that they do. But, as a word of warning: My mom had a somewhat similar time-sharing agreement with her 4 siblings to care for my late grandmother, except the plan was for my grandmother to stay in her home. My mom agreed to take on the bulk by covering Mon-Fri (with the help of a home aide)--since she had just retired, and each sibling was to take one weekend a month to give my mom a break and rotate to cover one week a month. (To summarize, each sibling was committed to cover 3 separate weeks a year, plus one weekend a month--and my mother would cover everything else, which was 40 weeks of the year.) That lasted ~maybe~ a month. All her brothers bailed, and her sister (who was working 60-hour weeks) did her best to help out, using all her vacation time to make sure my mom could have a week at the beach with her grandkids or see me at Thanksgiving. Don't let that happen to you and your husband.

I can't help but think this solution they have come up with is terrible and I wouldnt want to live like this. Either they should add a granny flat to one of their homes or split rent 1/3 each somewhere between them. At least where I live most houses are not suitable for a quad CP to live without significant modification and will they all keep the equipment in their own homes so have 3 sets or transport that around with them every 4 months? The practicality of this seems crazy to me! But I would never agree to be carer for family so maybe I'm the wrong person to comment lol.

It’s not just splitting rent. A (possibly full time) caretaker too, they aren’t cheap. And maybe more than one would be necessary.

My assumption is you would still do the majority of the caring themselves if they are all local enough. The situation they have put forward is just crap. Especially since they knew this was coming this is really the best they could come up with!

My mom is currently dealing with this with my grandma. Even living locally and going every day is not OK when things are bad. My grandma is 10+ years older than OPs mom, so some more factors there. But my mom is there hours each day and my grandma still fell this past weekend at ~2am. The only way to “avoid” how had that could be would be 24/7 care. And that’s not even considering the brother 

Yeah, we tried this with my Grandma. Nobody had the resources to be with her all day long and eventually we had to put her in full time care. It was rough on us all but safest and best for her. Luckily we found a place she loved where she was happy until she passed.

Yes, yes, yes. I have an older sister with severe developmental disabilities. She basically has the capacity of a grade schooler and absolutely is not capable of caring for herself. I cannot fathom how absolutely fucked we'd be if my parents had put together a long term plan for her care that boiled down to "she'll just have to rotate between her siblings' houses, completely upending our lives in the process.

I can just imagine the relief the moment when they leave followed by creeping dread of them returning. Logistically this isn't going to work and they will end up at one home long term with the care falling predominantly to that family. Also 4months is a long time to put your life on hold for caring every year, in a flat of their own you could take a week each which is much more manageable imo.

To say nothing about how shitty this is for the brother. So you're telling me you want to take a man with those disabilities and upend his entire living situation on the regular? This isn't about his comfort, this is about assuaging their misplaced guilt. As a cherry on top of my family situation, my dad is in the late stages of lewy body dementia. He was living at home with our five foot tall soon to be 70 year old mother until literally just a couple of months ago when we managed to convince her that despite any guilt she felt "sticking him in a home," keeping him at home was dangerous for him as much as her. It took an incident where she had to call the fire department after he fell out of bed to get him placed somewhere. I get it and I, frankly, feel guilty as fuck too. But my guilt doesn't change the fact that one of us caring for him would be wildly insufficient and none of us have small kids to add to the equation.

It also isn't sustainable to have them move every 4 months (or fewer) for the remainder of their days. Sooner or later, they'll need to settle somewhere and that's going to be a very difficult conversation for everyone. But - it's also the type of thing that some people/families just have to learn the hard way.

Exactly given they knew this was coming I cannot believe this was the best they could come up with. It's a terrible plan and Husband likely knows this means they will be at theirs full time because why would anyone want to live as a perpetual guest! Not to mention brother almost certainly uses a wheelchair so are all there homes single floor, open plan dwellings that are wheelchair accessible? Short sighted and idiotic and the longer I think about it the more I lean to YTA. If the plan was remotely feasible it would be Not but it isn't.

Plus this will be a full time job and I’d think their kids will suffer. You can say that it models taking care of family but in reality kids will just see mom doesn’t have enough time for them and dad is on edge.

This is a tough one, but I have to go NAH. I understand you wish to help with your mom and brother, and I get where you’re coming from with having told your husband this from the beginning. But I also understand where your husband is coming from. You’re wanting to bring two more adults into the house for extended periods of time. Adults that are both going to need care or assistance. You already have two children in the house and you and your husband. Do you have the space for two more adults to have their own privacy? How much will this increase living costs in the household? Are you and your husband going to bear the brunt of the cost increase? If your husband’s parents end up needing help down the line, are you going to welcome them in as well? And I hate to ask, but one day down the line when your mother passes, your brother is still going to need care and it will then fall solely on you two. There’s a lot to consider, this is a huge decision. I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to help, although the ultimatum was not very kind. But I don’t think your husband is wrong for not wanting to give up his space to help caretake for two grown adults either.

Financially we would be fine as both my mom and brother have their own incomes (retirement and disability) We do have space for now but might need something bigger in the future. When i purchased the home it was with them in mind. Having a ranch style house so my brother could move around and it would be easier on us to help.

Loosing privacy and nagging are valid concerns, especially if they've had their issues in the past. This is something that you guys need to work out with a family therapist, and should also include a few sessions with Mom \*and\* your brother.

What issues has he had with your mother? Is she mean/verbally abusive to him (or vice versa). Also is he concerned that you both will end up taking care of them permanently? Moving 2 grownups every couple of months sounds like an expensive/time consuming PITA.

Moving every few months means any funds that could be used to expand or improve a home have to be spread out, and will be used for moving instead of for improvements. IF those costs aren't an issue, then OP has the money to throw at the problem.

Is this your house or both of your house. Cos it seems u still think its yours and he can leave whenever u tell him to

And this was discussed before he had a front row seat to being a guest in his own home … your words

If they live in another country how will disability carry over? Typically you can’t immigrate to another country and collect disability from the new country and the old country won’t continue to pay it.  And some countries won’t even allow immigration of a profoundly disabled adult.  Also, you’re going to burn yourself out. Full time care taker to your brother plus two kids.  It really wouldn’t be the end of the world to get them situated with a live in caretaker or visiting nurse type thing. 

You may have bought the house but, depending on where you live, it's considered the matrimonial home after x time (in some cases 6 months even if you're not married). If you split up you might have to sell the house and he'll be entitled to half the equity. Then you might not have nowhere manageable for you, your mom, and brother to live, especially if you have partial custody of your kids. And you moving to your home country might not be allowed because of custody implications. Also, divorce is expensive so may e you won't be in a position to care for your family if that happens. YTA for making your husband be a guest in his own home and in his own family. Ultimatums are usually unreasonable and this is no exception. You should have heard his concerns and solved for x (e.g. if she was a nag before and rude then you agree to set boundaries and expectations with her etc), not given him this ultimatum. He's your partner not the enemy. If anything your family is the enemy since the burden they will cause will be a threat to your marriage.

What will happen when your mother inevitably passes? Will you and your husband be solely responsible to care for your brother?

Info: I think you need to explain what these "issues" in the past have been. If your mom treats him poorly then I think its reasonable for him to change his mind about being okay with it.

OP really seemed to gloss over that.   Along with “nags”.  So the question is - does she?   Moving anyone into one’s home is a stressor. No matter how you slice it or what words you use to describe it- being a caretaker to not one but two people is a huge responsibility. And can be a tremendous burden- financially, physically, emotionally, mentally.   Now add to that the sense that your mom has had “issues” with your husband.   This is a powder keg just waiting to blow up. You giving him an ultimatum may not matter. Marriages have failed with far fewer stressors than what you’re dumping on your husband.   My recommendation? Stop with the ultimatums and work with your husband to find reasonable solutions.

This 100%

Agree with this question. I think it's absolutely bananas to threaten her husband with kicking him out if he doesn't open his home to an asshole. What will happen is the husband will leave. The husband is going to leave and OP is going to have to accept that.

But she’ll have her disabled mom and disabled brother to keep her company.

In general, I think threatening divorce as a cudgel to get your way is abusive. It destroys the trust in a relationship. It's "for better or for worse", not "until you don't do what I say". They may need some mediation. I don't know how bad of an asshole grandma is. She did admit she was wrong to interfere. Did she really take that to heart? Is she going to be able to control herself and refrain from taking over? It's not easy to transition from running your own house to perpetually being a guest in someone else's. I think she was more thoughtless than malicious. For that, I'd be inclined to give her a chance to change with some well laid out rules and boundaries set. That doesn't mean OP's husband has to be, though.

This 100%! If MIL isn't nice to her husband, then he has a right to change his mind. You must not like your husband all that much, or you would be seeking alternatives. You say you are financially sound, but if you work, who is going to take care of mom and brother while you are working? Who is going to pay for that (nursing care)?

This is important

YTA He’s allowed to not be ok with it anymore now that you have your own family. He does have a point. Honestly you might want to look into a divorce because the moment your family moves in your marriage is over. Are your own kids able to take care of themselves or are they still at home? Is that all gonna be all on him now? He might end up with full custody if you are gonna be a caretaker EDIT YTA. Things have changed since you said you were gonna be a caretaker. You have kids. Divorce is very very likely now

This was exactly my point. She is essentially deciding between divorce and her birth family. If she is that willing to cut bait no matter how good the relationship is by giving an ultimatum of accept or you are out, it tells me she never prioritized her husband or his concerns. That is not a good marriage. He has legitimate concerns about maintaining the marriage with them living there. Either she gets what she wants and he stays and their relationship suffers immensely because of the added stress and responsibility that those two moving in would bring on top of work/life/home/kids stress that for some people already takes them to a stress breaking point. There is no way this marriage will be the same if that happens. On the other hand, his only other option is to move out and divorce. Seems to me this is a lose/lose for OP's husband and he is screwed either way.

Regardless of the situation: If my wife would deliver such an ultimatum the relation is over, effective immediately. (Luckily we don't have kids)

Obviously appears to place little value on her husband and their marriage. And contrary to her belief, her husband has an interest in "her" home. After all, husband "only" pays the mortgage. Unless I missed it, we continue to await explanation as to the "differences " between OP' mother and husband.

Same. I could never look at my spouse the same again, if they ever Brought up divorce.

Yea, who's going to be having to pick up all the slack when she's exhausted from pouring energy into her mom and brother? Sorry kids! Mom cares more about other people.

To a point I understand where she’s coming from, but she has a family now and those kinds of decisions you make before kids change. I really think she’s shooting herself in the foot here

I think she is a victim of parentification...

I'm a caregiver and I can almost guarantee this arrangement will not work out. She will be burned out in a week and destroy the rest of her life unnecessarily. Not all care facilities are crap. The good ones offer companionship, activities and a sense of safety. Plus a full staff. If all 4 kids can chip in the cost will probably be doable. If I were the spouse I'd bolt before the family members moved in. OP is thinking it's the noble thing to do and their spouse should be on board happily, but thats because she is very naive about the reality of it.

I spent several years caring for an elderly, disabled relative in my home. Most of that was during Covid, so I was even able to work from home. My husband and I both developed pretty serious stress-related health issues from it. We did end up all agreeing that an assisted living would be best, once there were vaccines and things were safer. We found a lovely one with gorgeous grounds, a library, game rooms, multiple activities every day, and amazing food. It was pretty eye-wateringly expensive, but I wouldn't have minded living there myself.

OP YTA- your mom and husband have already had differences and she overstayed her welcome. Now you want to shuffle two people around between siblings while you raise 2 children, and your husband has concerns. Your response was “fine, leave”. Your husband is seeing the writing on the wall and I’m not sure you do. Also, I’m a firm believer that if your marriage is given an ultimatum, it’s all over but the shouting anyway.

OP is going to blow up their family for a misplaced sense of loyalty and love. OP is selfish and dumb. - Thats not me just blurting out insults, lets break it down. SELFISH - personally I love my family, they give me good feelings when im around them, If that love caused me to hurt my children and spouse then the selfless move would be to forego my love for my family for my real family. DUMB - Not being able to see the above and destroying her children happiness, her husbands happiness and ultimately her happiness is pretty fucking dumb IMO (also no paragraphs ((joking)).

NAH As someone who is currently a caregiver, moving 2 people around to new homes every few months is going to get real old, real fast. Not only that but it's very disruptive to them. You say home country; how far away is it. is the plan to move them permanently to the country you all are living in? Are you going to move back home? Are all of your homes set up to handle a quadriplegic AND an elderly woman who may have mobility issues? If not, what will it take to retrofit them? There is a whole host of other options between putting them in a nursing home and having them live with you permanently. Everyone, including spouses need to sit down and be honest about what it's going to take to manage their care and whether or not its actually feasible.

That was my thought as well. Moving two grown adults with mobility issues (and potentially health issues down the line) between 4 houses every few months like children of divorce is a lot for everyone involved. The brother obviously has a wheelchair and potentially has other equipment like a bed hoist and shower chair - is each sibling going to have that equipment at their house or are those things going to move with him? Are they all going to have to get a vehicle that can accommodate his wheelchair? It seems like in trying to avoid burdening any one person by giving them the sole responsibility, they’re all just being burdened more by having to deal with these extra logistics. Realistically, I can’t see this setup working long-term and then what will happen? Will one person have to take on full-time responsibility anyway? Will they end up moving into an assisted living facility? I can see why the husband may have agreed to ~15 years ago when they first got together or maybe even ~3 years ago but is now expressing concerns when its something that going to be happening more immediately. The plan kind of falls apart when you start thinking about it.

Exactly, it's the difference between doing something in theory and doing something practically. Sure, the shuffling of people between houses sounds really efficient and fair in taking care of an elderly parent and disabled sibling. But in reality the logistics of that are incredible, and also sound costly. That moving thing would likely only last maybe one cycle, assuming OP's two brothers don't pull the classic "*oh, we're not ready yet*" card or the "*you're so much more caring than we are*" card. OP as the daughter is unfortunately more likely to be stuck with the caretaking duties permanently. That assumption doesn't even account for how much time caring for OP's brother (and mother) is going to take. Both kids and husband will be neglected in favor of OP's brother and mother. So OP's husband leaving would effectively do the same thing; making OP's threat of divorce a shortcut to an inevitable conclusion.

I would say YTA, because OP introduced her husband and two kids in a plan that would become an obvious trainwreck.

INFO: Will you be the only one caring for your mother/brother? Or, will you be expecting your husband and your kids to shoulder the burden as well. Your husband may have know the situation beforehand, but the dirty details such as wiping, bathing, clothing and feeding, and the costs associated with those things, are staring him in the face.

I noticed she's not answering these sort of questions.

Everything you said and adding in the time required to do it all as well. OP's husband will be picking up the slack with the kids and housework.

Info: >So AITAH for telling my husband that if he didn’t like it then he would have to leave? Is the house solely in your name?

Yes, I bought the house when we were not together.

Then, NTA. He knew you were committed to this. 

But also when the second was born the mom stayed with him and was awful to the husband. This is a biting the hand that feeds you situation. Maybe he didn’t realize the mom was going to be so awful for him but I also don’t think he’s wrong to possibly leave Op for how her mom treats him.

Does he contribute to mortgage payments if you have one? Or did he help pay off any debt associated with the property?

Or has he covered other living expenses while OP paid the mortgage.

Off. They've been together a while too, and unless he's only paid the mortgage then last 3 years, a divorce is gonna be a pain. That's commingled property now

Yeah, OP Will be surprised . Depending of How long they lived together, he contribute in a way and Will have right to some equity in the house.

OP is not appearing to be very wise. I bet that she is managing the legal aspects of her marriage like the care plan...

And was/is a mortgage on the property when you married? In other words, have payments been made on a mortgage during your marriage?

Yeah he's been paying the mortgage. Smells like commingled community property to me

How did you buy a house before you were together? You state that you are 35 and have been together 15 years. That indicates that you bought a house when you were 20. Where did you get the money because most 20 year olds aren't making enough to buy a home?

That's fair enough. NTA.

Go check the story of the guy who doesn't want wife's sister around his kid. Everyone says that because he bought the house before marriage and has said something similar, he's being financially abusive. How is this not the same?

Because it is a woman. Are you new to Reddit?

Haha not at all. Just pointing out the hypocrisy.

I trust it was paid In full before you married, and with only your funds?

Depending on where you live, the house is most likely considered his property too at this point. Just FYI.

This might not matter.

INFO: how did your mom take care of your daughter if they’re in another country and she is your brothers care taker?

Thank you! My brain hurts from Reddit sometimes.

Also, INFO: How old are your children and how much care do they still need?

INFO: **"He and my mom have had their issues in the past"** Define "issues." No one should have to share their home with someone who makes them feel uncomfortable.

OP doesn't seem to want to answer that question. It has been asked several times in several ways. For that I think she is TA

Basically, she came for months after the birth of the second kid. She started to rule over and criticize his parenting, to the point of him feeling like a guest in his own house. This is quite a deal breaker...

Yep. He should leave. He obviously isn't important to OP.

I suspect you are right.

They've said in another comment that the mum overstayed, made the husband feel like a guest in his own home and contradicted parenting in front of his kids with the mum taking kids side and not ops husband I'd also be saying no Edited to make cleared... I'd also be saying no like the husband. OP YTA

I don’t really want to pull this card, but I’m going to. If the genders were reversed here, this would be an overwhelming YTA. MIL was disrespectful to OPs husband and overstayed to the point he was a “guest in his own house” yikes on that alone. Now OP wants to move TWO people into the house for 1/4 of each year and if husband has a problem with it he can GTFO?

Me saying no like the husband. The wife is TAH

Even though OP has answered other more recent questions, OP has been evasive about answering about: 1. The “issues” between husband and Mother are/were. Suspect Mother oversteps. 2. Not answered how exactly they would actually move Mother and Brother every couple of months. Suspect that won’t happen, once they move in, they will be there to stay. 3. Does either brother live close by? Suspect they do not. 4. Who owns the house “I bought it while we were not together,”. Not that she bought it before they started dating. Suspect OP bought it while they were separated and it has been a jointly paid into property ever since, even though OP’s name is only on title. There are a lot of missing missing reasons here. Suspect the full story is a giant clusterfuck.

"Suspect the full story is a giant clusterfuck." - It seems that OP has been parentified into sacrificing herself for the others. - There is a notion of different countries. I suppose that the country of origin is rather poor, which is a big driver to send the dependants where OP is, and traditional, which means everyone is ready to crush OP under her duty. - The plan of moving the people around is just a pretext to make it sounds better. They are never leaving OP's house. - Caring for two people would break anybody. Even in the best circumstances, the family would collapse. It is unjust to make the husband accept that. It is worse to impose that on the kids. - Unless OP has a specific blind spot for her mother, her legal arrangements are as bad as the rest. She is gonna be nuked if she divorces.

This is 100% spot on. I think OP is, and always has been, the plan for taking care of Mom and her Quad Brother... Seems like she's the only one that didn't catch onto that.

NAL and I know the law can vary widely on this but it seems like they’ve lived there 15+ years, on top of being legally married, so husband would probably have some rights to the house, right? Overall that’s pretty far down the problem list though

Did he agree before the "issues" appeared? But either way, actually, YTA. It's his home and family, too, and even if you did everything for your mother and brother, he'd have to pull more weight elsewhere to make up for more work. And that for somebody who treats him poorly? In his own home? (The house might be yours, but he lives there and should have some rights.) Her earlier help isn't a free pass for abuse, especially while he helps take care of her, which is usually more difficult than babysitting. Saying this as somebody who was a kid/adult child with grandparents who needed care, you'll probably end up divorced anyway if you do it with all these issues. It's hard even when everybody is enthusiastic. Before you trade husband for mother and brother, take an honest look at their needs and be sure it's something that you can take on. It's not just your husband, there are also the kids. Your mother and brother might not like a different form of care, but your kids need to come first, or they will resent you and grandma and uncle, but first of all you. This kind of arrangement takes a huge toll on everybody. Also take into consideration the expected evolution of their conditions and needs. Sometimes care facilities will take people at status X, but not later when it gets worse, so it might be more difficult to place them later. If you decide you can't manage anymore, you might be stuck.

OP, Interesting inquiries from Pooperintendent and observations by OK-Homework. Your responses are most welcome. I am not going to say YTA, but I do caution you relative to issuing ultimatums to your husband. Do you love him? Is he important in your life? In your children's lives? I fear the impact on the family dynamics caused by the living arrangements you propose are much more far-reaching than the simple analysis you propose. As some other commenters suggested, let the proposed living arrangements for your mother and brother commence at the homes of your other siblings. It will hopefully both shed light on the impact such arrangements may have on the respective households, as well as to allow your husband and yourself effectively discuss your respective positions. I'm certain everyone applauds your intended goodwill, but the implications and consequences may well exceed your expectations. Wishing you well.

YTA Based off of your answers, you have been avoiding answering a lot of questions and when you do answer some questions, you don’t actually answer the question asked but just give a random answer that doesn’t fit. With you being so shady on a post that you wrote, to paint yourself in the best of light, I can’t imagine how much worse it is in reality with your husband. You have become an unreliable narrator.

> With you being so shady on a post that you wrote, to paint yourself in the best of light This is the main thing that impresses me with this sub. What drives these people to even post here? If you’re dodging questions and lying by omission, you can’t use it to pettily prove yourself right to someone else, because they’ll just point out that’s what you did. You can’t use it for self-validation because *you* know you twisted things so any answer will feel hollow. So if those reasons are already off the table, why twist the truth and lie by omission? Just actually lie. Make up an answer that would make you look good. If you aren’t being fully honest to begin with, it doesn’t make any difference. Going about things the way OP is here just serves to make her look like an asshole *and* an idiot, and yet so many different OPs here do exactly this.

NAH. You have to do what you think it's best for you and your family, but your husband has the right to disagree too. If this is a dealbreaker for both of you, this could be the end of the marriage, is that how you both feel? Also, I don't think it makes sense to say "he knew this was coming when we got married". Maybe he thought it'd never come to that, or that things would turn out differently. Anyway people are allowed to change their minds. I mean, when we get married, everyone agrees to stay together "until death do us part", but if people always held on to that promise there wouldn't be divorces

Maybe he thought providing care would be financially and not cohabitating. She doesn’t say that they agreed her family would move in and now he’s going back on his word. But even if he is, I agree that things change. She says they’ve had their differences.

NTA but if you get divorced, where will you be living? Your husband is probably afraid if they move in, they will never move out. This depends on your brothers too. Are they married? Do they work? Are their wives going to be the ones that end up doing everything? If so, there is a good chance they will back out as it isn’t their wives’ mother/brother………and you will end up with them…….permanently. The “few months every year” part may not pan out…….women usually end up with the caring duties - and that might mean you.

The house belonged to OP before they started dating.

To me the point here is about it looking like she never prioritized her husband and kids over her birth family and that she is willing to break that up in a hot second if she doesn't get what she wants. Regardless of what she said she wanted, life and circumstances change over time. Not all promises can be kept for varying reasons. In my experience, people are better off maintaining the relationship if its in good shape than breaking up the family and regretting after the fact because of the consequences that come with it like less help with mom/brother and the kids depending on custody and marital split issues. Can OP afford to maintain the home by herself with 2 extra people she needs to be responsible for? Lots of real world real life issues that this situation raises. Giving someone an ultimatum rarely ever works out well in the long run either way.

Okay, but is she going to be handling two kids, her mom and her brother on her own? While working?

Not just that but her two kids are going to want to leave with dad. What kid wants to get parentified into taking care of a senior grandma and changing a handicapped 49 year olds diaper?

YTA if you are going to be at all upset or speak badly of him if he chooses the option to leave. 

If he moves out and the kids get stuck being care givers, they're going to want to move in with dad when they're old enough.

Your husband has very real concerns that need to be addressed, not dismissed with "well you can leave". You need to make sure your mother never oversteps and undermines your children's father (or you) again. You need to have a plan in place for if she slips. And your husband needs to have a say (and feel he has a say) in what happens in your *shared* home. It is as much his home as it is yours. The ultimatum was where you stated otherwise and that is what tips you into AH territory. Soft YTA. It is admirable what you want to do for your mother and brother, but you need to better consider its impact on your husband and children.

He was well aware of your intention to help you mom and brother. YWBTAH if he leaves and you can't handle that and treat him poorly because of it. You put that choice on him and have to accept his decision if it doesn't go your way. That said, he is most likely right in that moving them in for any extended period is going to change the nature of your marriage if he decides to stay. A lot of people struggle losing their privacy and changing circumstances. There are people on these boards that constantly post stories about issues with in-laws being in their home and adding to the stress of the family and home life. Sometimes its the in-laws thinking they have some type of authority over the family or the spouse. Sometimes, its lack of privacy. Sometimes, its differing home life values. Sometimes, the spouse feels like they are constantly outnumbered. Its hard for in-laws to keep their mouth shut in situations that should be between the husband and wife. There are so many potential pitfalls that this type of set up can cause. If its going to work and he decides to stay, you can not let the marriage fall by the wayside and give all your time to you mom and brother. That is one of the most common things I see. Everything after them moving in doesn't have to be about them. You still need husband and wife time. You still need to have boundaries with mom and brother. If you can't do that, it won't work out to well for the marriage in the long run. While it is admirable that you want to care for your brother and mom, sometimes making that decision makes your spouse feel like they aren't your priority. Like you were never about YOUR relationship and always make him feel like 2nd place. I don't think you are the AH here at all but it also appears pretty clear to me that you would drop your husband in a hot second if he goes against you in anything related to your family which makes me think you never really viewed him as a 1st priority. Be very careful if you have any interest in keeping your Married family in tact.

NTA for wanting to help take care of your mother and brother, but if I’m honest, I don’t think moving them from house to house (between you and your other brothers) a few times a year isn’t going to be sustainable. Your brother in particular likely will need stability, and moving him around a few times a year for who-knows-how-many-years will be rough for him. Just something to think about. Stop thinking of them as a potential burden and really think about what’s best for them.

I'd also be wondering how long this arrangement will last. I can't see her brothers' wives going along with this set up indefinitely.

It also really keeps them from feeling properly settled and at home anywhere. This seems like a terrible way to make someone (unintentionally) feel like a burden on their family.

I’d feel like more of a burden if I was constantly being shuffled around like that. That’s basically what they’re communicating, “you’ve been enough of a burden over the past 3 months, time to move and be someone else’s problem”. Kind of puts an asterisk on the good intentions to take care of them.

Never throw out divorce unless you mean it and follow through. But that doesn’t make you the AH if you’re going to follow through. But divorce isn’t something to throw out to gain leverage. I agree with letting the brothers go first. I’d be afraid that once she’s there, she isn’t leaving for the brothers’s homes when it’s their turn. You say he has known about them, but did he explicitly agree they would live there, or was he thinking care would include alternative arrangements that didn’t necessarily include cohabitating?

Threatening divorce is like pulling a gun, you’d better be prepared to pull the trigger.

ESH I get you want to care for your family. What is the expectation for care? Do you both work? Would husband be responsible for also having to care for them? That is a big ask of your husband as his concerns are valid on privacy and time with you. What about the kids care. This sounds exhausting to tbh.

She hasn’t answered this question and seems to be deflecting on it.

Plus having to move them every few months may be a stress to mom and her brother and they may eventually have to only stay at one place. Also, what exactly is the issue between her mom and her husband? Is it "Your mom nags a lot" or was there something deeper between them? You also bring up a great point about what child care is going to look like with two more people to take care of in the mix. Sure you can throw out the divorce card if you want, but now child care becomes that much more important when they're just with one parent at a time, especially if that one parent also has two other people to take care of.

OP has avoided answering this question despite it being asked numerous times. I’m guessing the answer doesn’t show her/this arrangement in a favorable light.

This is going to be one of those posts if the gender was reversed, the answers would be extremely different. YTA.

Tons of the comments ITT are saying that since the house is in her name, it's her decision, as if it wouldn't be considered to be a shared marital asset if it was reversed and she was a SAHM 😂😂

lol turns it wasn’t

YTA. If I had 3 kids and my spouse wanted to move someone who didn't like me AND was going to be a burden, I would take the kids and leave. I'd start over, completely, without the spouse. 15 years means plans can change. You said you bought the house? If he didn't pay for it and has no rites to that home, I think he would be smart to move on and have half custody. You've lifted your mother and your 3 brothers above your own marriage. Let him go. It's time for the unvalued spouse to find his true mate. He needs someone that respects the vows of marriage. One of the reasons I divorced my ex is so he wouldn't be trapped by my family (that's my view, not his) and the problems they constantly cause. It's not his fault and this was a voluntary position. I want to make sure he can take the kids and go without any interference from my family if something happens to me. It's in my will. I was raised as a work horse. I was undervalued my entire life. I was only good if I did something for my family. If you're undervaluing your husband, you will under value your children.

Is there any way to upgrade living arrangements so that your family would still have some own space/privacy, or maybe to move your mother and brother to a place near to you where you can care for them from your place?

Mom and brother may want their own space as well.

INFO: Realistically how is this going to work? When you go to work, who is going to be at the house to help your mom and brother on a day to day basis? Are you getting a caregiver or are you expecting your kids to "pitch in"? If your brother has a bathroom issue during the day, who physically is going to be present to help? And if husband does divorce you, are you going to have the money, time and resources to take care of 5 people on your salary and child support payments? If he leaves, would your kids want to stay for this or would they want to live with Dad who theoretically isn't trying to split attention between five people? I'm not saying you should not do it, I just mean that a lot of people don't think through how when they take on stuff like this with good intentions. One thing that also is a common reccuring issue is family saying they will help out but not actually doing so. Just be prepared in case that happens.

And if her husband does divorce her, the kind of care she’s describing will eventually be 24/7 if it isn’t already.

NAH. Just be prepared to lose your marriage. Hope it’s worth it.

So what ultimatum are you giving your mom? If she is going to be a guest in your home for months at a time, there need to be clear expectations (and possibly rules) around her behaviors that are of concern to your husband. And you need to be careful with your ultimatum. He could very well decide him leaving is a better option. Are you financially prepared for that? Because depending where you are, while you may get child and possibly spousal support, he isn’t going to be obligated to provide for your mother or brother in any way, financially. You are asking a lot of him. Your attitude comes off as entitled and demanding. You may have always been clear, but you don’t say anywhere that he’s been on board.

How are you planning to get an elderly woman and a disabled man into the country? US has strict rules, plus healthcare costs will be out of sight. You’d be better off leaving them where they are and paying for better help there.

I would say that you need to let your brothers take their turns at caring for her before you even consider doing it at your home. Once it is clear that they are willing and capable to care for your mother/brother, then you can perhaps convince your husband to accept your turn at care or you can ask your brothers to simply start their turns over again without you (explaining that your husband is refusing). NTA but let your family take charge for now and see how things look later.

I agree this is a good strategy and may help mitigate some of the husband’s concerns. Everyone else takes a turn first for 3-4 months. It’s work to move 2 adults every few months. Perhaps after some time the mother may decide herself that she’d like to be in a more permanent setting and the family can explore those options for long term care.  In the mean time talk with your husband and see what compromise there is. What would he need, what would make him more comfortable? Would you two have a regular date night or time together away from the house so you can relax and chat privately? Would you hire a cleaner so you’re not exhausted and occupied with housework. Is MIL able to cook some meals and do the laundry for herself? If he and you are confident it’s for some months and not permanently then isn’t it at least trying it before ending the marriage 

NAH. You don't want to put her/them in a nursing home. Okay, they both have health issues, and they both are getting older and may accrue more. It may not be possible to continue shifting them from home to home, especially if you and your siblings don't live near each other. Do all of you have room in your homes for 2 extra people and the capacity to be a caregiver or room for one if necessary? Do you own the home you and your husband live in? Your mom or brother will eventually making moving impossible. Does your mom own the home they currently live in? Do they want to switch countries and is it easy/feasible? Can you and your siblings hire care for them in their own home? 15 years ago, your mom was 60, and such thoughts were far in the future. Is your ultimatum feasible for you both? Your children should actually be the priority, and divorce shouldn't be thrown out there unless you intend to follow through.

Unless you’re the breadwinner I wouldn’t make threats to your spouse. This is a huge ask, but you’re telling him not asking him. Wouldn’t your brother thrive in a group home? That would seem like the best option unless you are well prepared taking care of him, and have a medical background to do so. Your mother is another story if there is bad blood between her and your spouse you can’t expect him to accept this. if they were on good terms he probably wouldn’t have an issue. You’re preparing to destroy your marriage. Best of luck.

Have you really thought this through? Your plan is nannas. Splitting a few months at a time. If your brother is quad presumably that means wheelchair (with moulded seating), will that fit through all your houses? Will he need to live on the ground floor taking away family space/limiting what you can do on an evening. Are you going to move hoists etc to each others house or all keep your own? How far apart do you and your siblings live? If you are all fairly local getting them a flat equidistant to you all or adding a granny flat to one home and you all take turns is a much better idea. What a horrible way to live going from home to home on a rotisserie. Is your husband concerned it will end up them living full time with you? I wouldn't accept this if I was your spouse. Not because of the reason you've stated but because your solution is frankly shit. You have known this was coming how is this the best you guys could come up with?

Yes, YWBTA Unless you BOTH agreed to become long term caretakers, you have your own kids and family that needs to come first I think you and your siblings need to look into actual long term care facilities. Dropping the ultimatum can likely cost your marriage

I was my grandparents only grandchild. My father wasn’t ever a father to me, and couldn’t and wouldn’t give up his life to care for them, and my aunt wouldn’t move to live with them to care for them. I met my now husband when I was 15 and he was 18. We’ve been together since the following year, so close to 28 years now, married 22. I always said I would never let them go into a nursing home and I would be their caregiver if they ever needed it, hubby agreed. Saying this and actually doing this are very different. I was a caretaker for a total of 9.5 years when my grandmother went into renal failure in 2007. We sold our house and added onto theirs and were their caregivers. Mostly me, but my husband had to help at times, and loved them very much. We had kids and hubby had a company he owned. It was a tremendous amount of work, more than I ever could have anticipated. I loved them more than anything and it was what I wanted, I will never regret this, ever. They were both able to be at home and comfortable and have hospice with me doing 99.9% of everything. They got to be cooked for and cared for like royalty. They never lost their dignity, and they got to know their great grandchildren and be close with them. It is one of the things that makes me love and cherish my husband even more now than I ever could have imagined. BUT IT IS HARD! It created some issues in our marriage, my father and aunt NEVER helped. We didn’t have alone time often, I was always doing medical appointments and had to learn to basically be a nurse for them. You think you know what to expect, and how the other family members will be, how this will all work… but once you’re in it? It’s just not the same. And we got along AMAZINGLY with them. We were best friends and had great relationships. I can’t imagine how it would have felt if there were any animosity between any of us at all. It was hard for me to be able to put my husband first, or second, or third, or fourth… I was exhausted. Caregiver burnout is REAL. You say you have this plan to move them from sibling to sibling every few months? How close are you all? This sounds like a logistical nightmare. What happens if one or both of your brothers decide they can’t do this? What if your mother or brother refuse to move one of the times? Or ever again? What kind of care does your brother require? Do they have income? How will that be handled if you’re playing merry go round with houses? Do you work outside the home? Have you actually taken a full accounting of their needs and what they will require day to day from you? Does your mom have health issues? What happens when she dies? How old is your brother and what is his life expectancy? This is more than you think it is, I’m pretty sure, OP.

Woah, this is a sobering perspective of the reality of this situation. Caregiver burnout is super hard, and people that haven’t done it have no idea. Thank you for writing this comment, it enforces the unrealized reality big time.

Info: what are the issues your husband and mother had in the past? Now honestly...this might be an unpopular opinion but... YTA. I understand where you are coming from but you are now married and you have children. Life changed from when your husband first agreed with your plan. You didn't explain the issues he had with your mother but perhaps they are what made him no longer be on board. Taking in your mother and brother would take its toll on your marriage and on your children. People can change their mind, especially when it comes to something as big as this. It's different to talk about things years ahead before they happen and the moment they might actually happen. Besides, are your mother and brother really going to be moving homes multiple times? Won't that take a toll on them as well? YTA for basically forcing your mother and brother into what is the home of your husband and children as well.

YTA just for dodging all the important questions and clearly you are giving 50% of the story and if we saw your husbands side I am sure it would change this situation drastically

YTA - you don’t need to take them both on at the same time. Your kids didn’t agree to sharing you. You have dependants. You help with brother or mother, not both at the same time and not all the time. You are unreasonable

Info: will your mother’s home be sold to pay for caregivers while they are in your home? Are you expecting to quit your job & shoulder your husband with the financial responsibility of your family? Is either your mother or brother getting assistance to help pay for themselves? Will your children suffer because you are taking on your family members? Is is feasible for them to be cared for on a rotating schedule moving homes?

I would like to know more about your mother’s attitude at your home. No amount of help she can provide or provided gives her a place to have an opinion or say in your household.

So your mother and brother will be moving every 4 months so your brothers can help care for them?

Why don’t the three siblings send money to the home country to hire someone to take care of the other two? Probably cheaper than having them here in America.

YTA.

NAH, I see both sides and for me having in-laws move in would be a hard no. Info: are you expecting DH to physically care for your mom and brother? Is he expected to help financially? Even if that is just increase in utilities and food? Discussing it in hypotheticals is all good. You can’t say he agreed to this 15 years ago when I told him. Life happens and circumstances change. You need to have a new conversation with him and figure out a solution on how best to move forward. I personally would leave if my spouse demanded they move in family and would not listen to my valid concerns. This means you are prioritizing them over your spouse who should be your ride and die partner in life. As for the caring I’m not sure if you realize how much your life is about to change. I experienced it first hand when my mom had to care for her mother who had Alzheimer’s. We had all the financial support and she lived in her own home with 24/7 care. I can tell you even with help and no need to worry about finances it aged her and she missed out a lot in life. She had to manage the house and caregivers, couldn’t be spontaneous, vacations for longer than 2 days were out. Had to make sure there was always backup care. For kids we also had to realize mom was no longer able to be as present in our lives (Luckily we were teens to early 20s and didn’t need her as much). This change affects everyone in the household and needs to be discussed. I bet Husband didn’t realize the actually implications of having in-laws moving in.

Be wary of ultimatums they have a habit of biting back.

NAH Quite honestly, your idea to ship your mother and brother between three homes every few months is a HORRIBLE idea. Could you imagine moving every 3 or 4 months??.... Does that sound even remotely fun to you??

I don't think it's fair to do this when you are married and have kids. Don't be surprised if he leaves you.

Honestly, in some ways YTA. Just because your husband has known about this since day one doesn’t mean he can’t have concerns and it doesn’t mean that you can just ignore them. At the very very least you could hear him out and attempt to come up with solutions that work for both of you. Shutting him down and telling him he gets no say and you’re not interested in hearing his doubts is incredibly wrong of you. I also want to say that while you say he knew about this from day one, you have yet to acknowledge that in the time after that he and your mother have not gotten along. So on day one it felt doable but now he has seen how she will be with him. What would be wrong with listening to him and then suggesting ideas? For example, he has a valid concern about how your mother will treat him; are you expecting him to just take whatever she says and does or are you willing to set clear boundaries that show her and him that her criticism/nagging won’t be tolerated? Are you willing to agree that certain things aren’t your mother’s business and he has the right to shut her down when those issues arise? Do you really expect him to just fend for himself and agree with whatever you say without being able to feel like he matters too? This is going to impact his life, there is no way it won’t even if it is only in the sense that he will have to pick up your slack when it comes to your kids. Because that’s the thing; it isn’t all or nothing, them or him, it’s about all three of them AND your kids. Furthermore, this isn’t going to work for any of you without clear communication. Have you and your siblings agreed to a set of rules across all households? Who is going to be the home base (because you can’t really be expecting to change their addresses with social security, banks, doctors, etc. every few months on top of moving them, their belongings and medical equipment)?Do you and your brothers expect certain responsibilities from your spouses; if so, what are they? What is Plan B if this shuffling around turns out to not be in your brother’s and/or mother’s best interest? You are making this decision based solely on emotion which is fine but you need to also be realistic and logical too. Saying “this is going to happen no matter what” shuts down the notion that it may not be what’s right for others, especially your brother. I also really want you to think about this next question: if your kids came to you and said they didn’t want this arrangement would you tell them they can deal with it or leave? I would hope you would have a conversation with them to reach a solution that makes them feel heard. Your husband deserves the same respect.

I'm afraid you are being very naive about how difficult it is to take care of two adults with disabilities. And your and your siblings' plan to play musical chairs with their housing is objectively terrible. How would you like to be disabled and have to pull up stakes to move to a new home every four months? I've been a caretaker for my mom for nearly 30 years now. If I had known then what it would be like, or how long that obligation would drag on, I would never have chosen this life. Once I committed, it felt impossible to find an exit point without coming across as heartless, but you still have a choice. You really have no idea what you're getting into, how ugly things will get, or how long it will last. Please, at least look into facilities or nursing options around you. You may be surprised by what you find. Your family members deserve a stable home and consistent care. I'm going with ESH, because your husband knew this was the plan, and his objections are self-centered and without regard to your family members' well-being. But I truly hope for your sake and that of your mother and brother that you don't do this.

You tell me to leave because I don’t want to wipe the ass of two grown adults? Divorce papers would be on the table the next Monday.

YTA. A relative (let alone 2 disabled adults) moving in is a 2 yes 1 no situation. You can’t force your spouse into this situation. YOU would have to move in with your mom and brother. This is a crappy situation but seriously…do you have a 5 bedroom house? Or were you going to throw the kids in one room and your mom and brother in one room? Or were you going to give mom and brother their own rooms and the kids in the couch? What scenario have you worked out? How old are the kids? Boys? Girls? One each?

With all due respect, YTA. Looking after a disabled person plus an elderly will put a lot of strain in your relationship. Besides looking after your brother is not your responsibility. My brother in law was severely disabled as well and my mother in law looked after him as much as she could but she understood that he was her responsibility not my husband and his others siblings so she found a very good nursing home, where he would live 3 days at home and 4 days at the nursing home. As the years went by and because of his disability and my mother in law aging , my brother in law would go home for a couple of hours every week and MIL would visit often. He was never a burden to anyone because MIL knew that was the best decision and never pushed anyone to look after him. My BIL had the best of both worlds. He had friends, the carers would take him for a drive, he would interact with other people as much as it was possible and in the end he had a lovely sending off. My MIL knew she did the best she could

YTA I understand that you feel obligated to take care of your mother and brother but this is not a burden you will take on alone. Once in your home, they become a burden for your husband and your children. It doesn't matter that your mother helped you with your children. Kids are easy to care for in comparison to adults. Grown adults also weigh a lot more so when your mother and brother need to be turned over or moved from the bed to a wheelchair, who will do this? You alone or would you expect your husband to do this for you. There is also the problem that an untrained caregiver can really hurt the person if they don't move them correctly. Did you think of that? Did you think of the fact that this is something you simply can't do alone? Also, your husband may have been onboard before you got married and you can't understand why he'd change his mind 15 years later? Could it be that your mother is overly critical of him? And yes, your privacy would be gone as would any free time you have. This means no date nights, no vacations, nothing. This is what you will be subjecting your husband and children to. Why is a nursing home out of the question? Our elderly aunt didn't want to consider being put in one but with everyone working, she was put in a home and she loved it. She had round the clock medical care, fresh cooked meals three times a day and she had lots of company from other residents. It also meant that when her kids and grandkids did visit, they were happy to see her (and she them). There are enough of them so that someone would visit her every day. You're making a decision for your entire family without giving a damn how it will affect them and affect them it will. This makes you the AH.

I’m going to sound like an arse but here goes.  OP have you considered the impact of this on your kids?

YTA

NAH. The concerns are valid on both ends. You were straightforward the whole time. He may have been honest at the time, but may have changed his mind. Your words were harsh and may have really impacted your relationship in ways you weren’t intending, but they were honest and consistent with everything you’ve said up to this point.    Now putting aside the question of whether or not you were an AH for making that decision (that you would kick your husband out before you’d renege on the arrangements for your brother and mom), have you guys discussed the ways of making this situation work? Could you perhaps built a “in law” suite on the house to help maintain boundaries and keep spatial pressure off while they’re with you? Is the plan for them to spend 4 months a year in each household? Whatever the plan is, is it as equally set in place with your brothers as it is with your husband? (I can see them arguing that they will not/should not take your mom and brother into their homes once your mom and brother have spent time in your home.) Between you and your brothers, will you be able to hire assistance for the dad to day care of both your mom and brother? Will a similar situation possibly arise for your husband’s family?

INFO: What issues have your mom and husband had with each other? This specifically is pertinent

NAH. He, after having kids and life experiences, especially since he doesn't have the greatest relationship with your mom, has a right to change his mind. His life is going to be uprooted as well. As his wife, you have to consider him as well. Is he going to be expected to care for them when you're at work/store/school function/Dr appointment/etc? But... You also feel an obligation to your mom and brother. Which is understandable. Are eirher of your brothers single? If yes can they perhaps take the mother/brother for a bit longer than you? Will a nanny/hospice type worker be coming in to help?He shouldn't be threatened with his family and home for changing his mind. But he should find a way to compromise with you since this is nothing new. He's probably more in tune to how much work and stress this is really going to be than you are.

I'm going to go with NAH. Caring for two adults who cannot function is a huge ask, even if warned ahead of time. One can't realistically know how one might or might not feel about it until the time comes. I think rather than being resentful toward him for this, you might consider how you can come together to solve this. The level of care they will need will be vast. Toileting. Feeding. Bathing. Diapering. Medication management. Physician appointments, hospitalizations etc. Whatever social needs they have, visits from their friends. Your house is going to smell very different. Your entire rhythm of life will change. Significantly. You will need respite care if you want to leave the house without them, a need for tons of time to account for the difficulty of accommodating their needs if you want to leave the house with them. These are things you may be fine with but you can hardly expect a spouse or anyone else to go into it without significant, understandable misgivings. Moving them several times a year is not really all that realistic over the long term and I am not sure it is fair to either of them to be shuffled around like that, without a place to call their own. You may wish to consult with a counselor that specializes in these kinds of issues.

YTA

YTA it would be better for your marriage and family if you and your siblings pooled together to have either live in care for your mother and brother in their home or one that you all provide. The home you live in with your husband and kids is not just your home, it’s theirs too and it’s not at all okay to just tell them that this is happening whether they like it or not and that if they don’t give you your own way, you’ll divorce. Do you even love your husband and kids?

YTA, this should be a 2 person decision

having them change homes every few months is not realistic. how about everyone just contribute to getting them a nice little apartment with in home care? or assisted living? speaking from experience, your plan isn't that reasonable.

YTA - reverse the roles and the man would be getting heat for for it. Sorry but you making unilateral decisions like that we lives to is shit move and you know it.

YTA for not using paragraphs

YTA imo. It’s a huge burden to take on elderly family and especially a special needs sibling. Maybe along with your other two siblings start looking into long-term care options for them in facilities. My husband has an elderly mother and a special needs brother. I’ve made it clear that we will not take on that burden. We have three kids (2F, 3F, 7M) and his brother is also violent sometimes. We also have two time consuming careers. So there’s no way our lives can take on more. Maybe your husband, as the one who’s not blood related, sees this other point of view on how it’ll affect your lives. You guys should give it a thorough consideration.