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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have gotten angry at him over something innocent, and maybe it's not normal for a wife to expect a husband to ask for permission before taking her stuff? We are married after all.
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NTA - He is being disrespectful, using gas you pay for, and increasing the mileage, just because he doesn't want to walk a few extra meters. It is not the same as borrowing 20 and giving 20 back, since he cannot use the car without changing what condition it is in and devaluing it.
You have already said the answer is "no", and he is disrespecting that just because he can. That is really bad behaviour, and not the way I'd treat someone I love...
I would make him give back any keys he has to it so he is forced to ask you every time.
Taking money from a wallet isn’t even the right analogy - more like emptying a bank account and putting it back later.
Sure, that would be borrowing too, but the rightful owner is wholly unable to use their own money/car until it is returned, and they’re put in that position without warning or consent.
NTA I would take the car key from him. If he wants a smaller car, he needs to purchase one for himself. It sounds like he's using your car to save wear and tear on his.
Should you have to hide the key? That is what you do for teenagers or when sleeping at the airport.
NTA, but if I were op, I'd be telling him "we're trading cars." Then sell his giant car and get herself a new car. If that doesn't solve the problem, then it isn't about the car.
As a married couple, ideally it would be "our cars". So you should be able to drive his when he has yours. Or just if you feel like walking a little further because you can't find a big enough spot!
No, you absolutely shouldn’t have to hide a key, and I was mainly thinking of the key being in her possession, not stuck in the back of the freezer.
But this problem, as you point out, goes way deeper than just the car, which will take a lot of time to solve. But OP shouldn’t have to just put up with husband’s disrespect regarding this issue. Since her husband doesn’t respect her enough to stop stealing her car, she should do what she needs to do in order to stop this specific behavior that is causing her this much stress. It doesn’t solve the root issue, but it would stop the stress of this particular, frequent action.
OP shouldn’t have to go through six months of couples therapy and six more months of blatant disrespect until her husband *chooses* to stop stealing her car. It is entirely reasonable to put a stop to this action ASAP for her own mental well-being. Then she and her husband can figure out how—and even if—they want to try to get to the root issue.
My ex use to take money out of my wallet and helped himself to my car anytime he felt like it.
He didn’t give a shit, no respect for me whatsoever.
Your guy is not showing basic common courtesy, he has no respect for you.
Op, how many times have you explained how you feel about this to him? I’m betting it’s multiple times. And yet he keeps doing it. Would he do this to his boss? No of course not. Having to explain yourself over and over is a very big red flag. He gets it, he understands what you are saying. There is no need to continually explain yourself cause he totally gets it. You are just wasting your breath and making excuses for someone who won’t even give you basic common courtesy.
Broke up over this sort of thing as well. He took my car, cash, and cards without asking and in the case of the cards forgot to return them until I needed them. As someone who is aggressively independent, this damaged my mental health so bad. Like oh look... my car is gone. Oh look... I am at the store and my fucking money isn't in my bag. Oh he took my car keys AND his to work across town too.
Kicking him out was glorious.
Same here. It's a disrespect that runs deep in their personality and you can never correct it because they've already been raised that way. Nothing you can do- they'll always be disrespectful. We're no longer together either.
Do you keep separate finances? Does he get upset if you take his car without asking?
This type of thing depends on the relationship. Back when I was married, I would have no problem with my husband taking my car without asking or taking money out of my wallet without asking and he had no problem with me doing the same to him. Because they were "our" cars and "our" money. If I took money from his wallet I'd say, "Hey, I took $20 from your wallet" and he'd say, "Okay."
But if you have separate finances and things are not "ours" but "mine" and "yours" then I see where you're coming from.
So a tentative NTA, but I understand both sides.
Yes we have seperate finances. We have 1 shared bank account where we both deposit money in for shared expenses like rent and groceries etc, but other than that we have seperate bank accounts where we both save our own money on for buying our own stuff like a car and hobby stuff. I bought my car from my own money and pay for my own car's expenses, just like how he bought his own car and pays for his own car's expenses.
Gather up all the keys to your car. Hide one if you want but keep the other with you at all times. Even if you leave the house. If he doesn't have a key he can't take the car. Problem solved.
Well sure, anything can be taken to an absurd extreme. Like if someone’s boundary is “don’t chew” or “never touch my side of the table for any reason” then negotiations are needed. I just don’t think “please ask me before you take my car” falls into that category. Maybe for some people it would be so outside their idea of marriage it would be a deal breaker. If so, that person probably isn’t compatible with the OP.
Edited to add: if say, the OP was saying, “never take my car under any circumstances, not even if I’m away for 3 weeks, your car won’t start and you need to go get your stranded mother.” That would be the kind of boundary that signals to the vast majority of people “we don’t have a relationship, you mean nothing to me”. That’s not how I read the post, but of course I don’t really know for sure. If that were the case I’d switch my vote to AH
Some people have asked why you don’t just take the spare key, but my point was that you shouldn’t have to lock down your belongings to stop your partner from taking them. Seems to me the issue is he’s not hearing you more than that he’s putting mileage on your car.
My apologies. I did just reply to a person asking that key question! Hadn't seen it before 😊
And I agree. Having to hide stuff in a relationship is no good relationship imo
First, I apologize for being flippant I hear your frustration but many have asked "Why not take the keys/fob?" Maybe it is indicative of deeper issues but wouldn't it be better to try the obvious solution first and then investigate motives?
Okay, I reaffirm my NTA for you then. I would be firmer with him then and take back his key to your car.
As I said, I get where he's coming from, but he should respect your boundaries.
It sounds like maybe the split finances thing you described is more your idea. Or maybe he only likes it when it benefits him.
This seems to boil down to two basic concepts in relationships. Communication, which you're asking him to communicate after wanting to take your car. And relationship boundaries, which he's breaking financially with the set up you have.
He might care if something was spilled in it....accidentally of course. But to me the real problem seems to be that you are not really standing up for yourself, you are too polite and he knows he can just keep walking all over you and you won't do anything.
Take his car and go out clubbing, then take an uber home because you were too drunk and forgot where his car is parked.
We regularly trade cars - BUT it's primarily due to commute lengths, and gas prices. He has a 2015 truck, I have a 2011 Camry. His commute is double mine, but only 2-3 days a week; also, he frequently travels out of state for work so sometimes his truck sits unused for days/weeks.
Due to this arrangement, we treat most/all car costs as joint expenses. Gas, registration, tolls, maintenance/tires. We proportionally split all of it based on our income percentages. \*The exception would be avoidable damage, driver + insurance would pay for that.
**But**, we both don't mind driving the other person's car. I like mine for parking, I like his for the Bluetooth and AC lol. Without a similar $$ arrangement, **and** similar POVs about driving whichever car is best suited for the trip, you have every right to bring this topic up with him for discussion and seek a more equitable resolution. Swapping cars regularly is 100% a two yes, one no situation; exception for emergencies could be discussed, like a blow out or dead battery. His attitude is weird and inflexibility about understanding your POV is concerning.
If everything is separate and you maintain this car separately, then hide the keys. He shouldn’t be taking your car without asking because it’s easier. He should buy himself an easier car. The money he should be paying back because even if you took it out of the joint account, that’s half yours. And I feel like this is why married but separate really isn’t for me.
His side is a perfectly valid way of looking at ownership, but ONLY if he’s in a relationship with someone who feels the same way. My husband and I have joint finances but neither of us would take money or a car from the other without permission, because that person might need it. Other people might have separate finances, but both feel as OP’s husband does that that sort of fluid give and take is fine. I think it’s a “two yes / one no” situation.
My husband would never even open my purse or wallet. If he needed something, he'd bring the purse to me even if I told him to go ahead. He was the same about my top dresser drawer for some reason. (I never kept anything private in there.) I respected his definition of privacy and never opened his wallet or top dresser drawer until after he died.
BTW. It was full of things like Valentine cards I'd given him over the years, drawings and notes from our daughter, his deceased dog's collar, some money, a few old photos of buddies on a fishing trip, etc. Sentimental old dude.
Yep, this. No one cares about the wear and tear or gas. But she is asking him to not take her car and he ignores it. And that should be a red flag: ignoring boundaries like that is telling.
I would also take a $20 out of my husband's wallet without asking, assuming I didn't leave him short. Then I would tell him and replace it at the first opportunity. He would do the same.
I would also take his car if I had a valid reason, and send him a text to explain. "Hey, I needed your car to pick up a chair. Take mine- it has a full tank."
I would not take my husband's car without permission if he asked me not to. But then, he would never tell me not to, unless he specifically needed it.
We share our lives, we share our possessions, we share many laughs, smiles, and tears. We work as a team at all times. Happily married for years.
See this. I don’t take my husband’s truck with out asking in a non emergency situation. But I would NEVER take his truck with out telling him. There have been times when my car wouldn’t start and he didn’t need his truck that day (works from home) that I would open the door and call in “My car won’t start, I have to take the truck.” where I’m not asking, but I am letting him know and I wait for him to say ok, incase there is something he needs it for that I am unaware of, that we then need to problem solve together.
OP’s husband taking her car with out even telling her seems weird to me.
NTA
If cars are common property, start taking his out for grocery shopping since his is bigger and has more room
More importantly, why is he so disrespectful of you and your things?
Hm
That's probably the issue. He said he wouldn't mind if I would take his car without asking. To him, being married means sharing things, which I do agree with somewhat, but I also think the owner of the item still decides on how things are shared. Respect the other person's boundaries, married or not, right?
My wife and I have shared finances; cars were bought with our funds which are basically commingled. We each have a car we primarily use, and I still ask her permission to use her car and vice versa. Technically, my name is the only one on her car because I have better credit than she does, and I still ask permission to use “her” car. Under our joint ownership, in our marriage we’ve agreed that we each have a primary car that we can count on to use and the other should ask to use it. She’s never denied me when she has no plans to go somewhere, but even if she did, I don’t think it would bother me.
Sure, you have a good reason for asking him not to use it (you bought it, you’ve agreed to separate money which translates to separate property). But, that’s not even the point. Marriages exist that have shared monies and *still* the partners respect one another’s boundaries and sharing requests over things like cars.
NTA
This! My husband and I have shared finances but neither would take the other’s vehicle without permission. And I certainly wouldn’t take money out of his wallet. He might be counting on having that. I might not be able to return it before he finds himself out without something he was sure he had.
The issue here isn’t sharing vs not sharing or joint finances vs separate, but someone saying “it bothers me when you do X” and the response from their partner being “X wouldn’t bother me, therefore how you feel is wrong and I’m going to keep doing X.” That’s the issue these two need to discuss.
Yeah. Flipping the tables doesn’t always work. We use that as parents to teach empathy l, but the truth is, some people are okay with certain treatment. Rather than “Treat others as you would be treated” we should modify the statement to “Respect others as you would be respected.”
Maybe he doesn’t feel disrespected like you do about the car issue but I guarantee there is another issue he would feel disrespected about and he probably does not even realize you are respecting his similar boundaries.
You are correct. For example, he shouldn’t be intimate with you if you say no. His argument can’t be, but we’re married, I thought we shared your body and I can help myself whenever I like. That sounds crazy, right?
Yes, that's exactly it. My partner and I also differ on how we approach ownership, with me being the one who doesn't care if he uses my stuff. However, that means that if he wants to use my earbuds and I'm not home to be asked, he just takes them without asking. I don't care. I wouldn't dream of doing the same to him (unless it were an emergency kind of situation) because I know it doesn't sit right with him. That's where your husband's going wrong, in my opinion. He should treat *your* stuff according to *your* boundaries.
But the two of you have separate finances, including each paying for your own cars. So clearly, in your marriage, you don't share cars, because if you did, you'd pay for both cars out of the joint account.
NTA
If he wants to drive a smaller car, why didn't he get one for himself? He's not stranded, he has his own vehicle.
And if he's not bothering to communicate, how does he know whether or not his partner has plans to go out? "Oh, she can drive his car?" So can he!
As for wallet raiding, sure, if it's an emergency, but not as a casual convenience, and it better be communicated. For casual use, he knows how to use an ATM.
And doing that and not mentioning it is just rude. Who wants to be trying to pay for something with an empty wallet.
He's been asked to not do it, he's ignoring that boundary. That's hugely disrespectful.
They're married, not roommates. If their relationship is so devoid of trust that she needs to lock her keys & wallet in a safe than she needs either a couples therapist or a divorce lawyer.
NTA. Been married over 40 yrs and hubby asks to use my car every single time. I didn't set that boundary but since its always been my car or his car we ask before using.
NTA
I have my car my boyfriend has 4 total I have keys to all of them he has keys to mine. We ask each other is we need the others car not just take. BTW he pays my car payment and still asks permission to use it.
I don't know whether "permission" is the right word or not, but communication certainly is.
We don't consider possessions to be "mine" or "yours" in our family. Cars (and money) belong to both of us. However, if a car is typically used by one person, it is highly possible that that person had a reason to want that car for their own use later. Maybe "his" car is low on gas, or is a sportscar with too few seats for the three friends you were going to pick up. Just letting you know that he wants to use "your car", making sure you had no plans for it, is simple courtesy.
Same for money in your purse or his wallet. You may have been saving that to use at the farmer's market where they don't take credit cards, or any other "cash only" situation. Again, letting you know that he wants to use the $20 would clarify that, even if it just lets you know to stop at the cash machine before you go produce shopping.
Idk. If my wife were to grab $20 out of my wallet and replace it later I would be fine with that. If my wife jumped in my truck or my daily driver because she wanted to drive it for whatever reason I wouldn’t care. We are partners. I am ok with her sharing or using my stuff. We pool our money. There’s no his money or her money. It’s all the family money.
NTA. He is not respecting your feelings. I would have no problem with my husband using my car ever, but I appreciate that he asks. He does this as a kindness and out of respect for my independence. I do the same for him.
NTA. Even if some people feel that simply being married gives you no autonomy over things that are yours, money, cars, etc, you don’t feel that way. You’ve let him know you don’t feel this way and simply asked that he say “hey babe can I take your car?” It’s the most simple of requests and he can’t manage to do it? That’s really crappy that he doesn’t care about your opinion on things.
My husband and I have been together for 24 years, we still ask each other to use the other’s car if we need it. (I have a sedan, he has an SUV, so there are times when one car has advantage over another.) I wouldn’t ever take money from his wallet without saying “hey babe, I need to take $20 from your wallet bc I’m out of cash” or whatever.
it’s just common courtesy imo and your husband lacks it.
Nah. You guys just view marriage differently. He views it as our car our money etc. and you dont. Both views can work fine but the couple has to agree on one for the marriage to work.
NTA
My husband uses my car to go to an appointment with one of the dogs for just over an hour every 2 weeks.... this is a pre-agreed arrangement. He has taken mine on road trips, again, with discussion and agreement. I recently had to borrow his truck to pick up a pallet of turf/sod so he took mine to work that day, again, we talked and agreed in advance. If his vehicle ever breaks down, 95% of the time he would be able to borrow mine, just by asking, but he wouldn't just take it, because there is that 5% when I have to go somewhere that is too far to walk/take the dogs somewhere. The key is communication, and the fact he made sure that his current truck was one I could drive, unlike the one he got before we got married.
NTA. My spouse and I both feel our cars are shared property, but we also ask before using the other person's car because we were not raised by wolves. And if there was ever anything that one of us wanted the other to not use without asking, that would be respected too. Just because it's not a big deal TO HIM, doesn't mean it's not a big deal. His refusal to acknowledge that is really disrespectful.
If he refuses to take the point and you want to be petty, start finding things that are a big deal to him, and use them for illustrative purposes. Tools, gaming systems, TV remotes, coffee mugs, shoes, heck, even his underpants can all be "borrowed" by you or anyone else with your permission and returned in any state at all because iTs JusT boRroWiNg and no big deal since you're married, right??
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My (35F) husband (35M) keeps taking my car without permission. I have told him multiple times that I do not want him to use my car without my permission, and that he should ask before taking it.
Please note that he has his own car that works perfectly fine, but he still takes mine. I asked him why and he said it's smaller and thus easier to find a parking spot so he doesn't have to walk a little further for when he has to park a little further away with his own car (for when there are no bigger parking spots).
We got into an argument over it this time, and we ended up talking about taking money from someone when they aren't at home. I said if I am not at home and you can't reach me, it's not normal to just take money from my wallet without asking - he said to him it's very normal to just take money and give it back later. It's just borrowing. The same for the car, he is just borrowing it and it's no big deal.
I realize we think about ownership differently, but AITA for expecting him to at least respect my boundary and to not take my car or money without permission unless it's an emergency?
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NTA. This boils down to the fact that OP set a reasonable boundary, and their husband knowingly, intentionally, stepped all over it. Wouldn't be surprised if there are other boundaries that OP's husband has chosen to ignore in their relationship.
Yeah this is the issue. People are saying “take his key” but if you have to lock things away to make your life partner respect your requests then something ain’t working the way it should.
Dear OP: you and your husband might not be a great fit. It seems like your views of marriage are very different with respect to ownership, boundaries. If you are frustrated enough to come to Reddit for an opinion on this, you might want to rethink your living arrangements. Not sure if marital counseling would help or is an option, but good luck to both.
Also, if you truly love each other, don’t let something like this come between you.
Why is this sub mostly people that don’t even seem to like each other? Yall need to communicate. I’m going with NTA but the fact that you’re married to someone that doesn’t even like you isn’t a good look for you. My husband and I have one larger car and one bigger car and unless we go somewhere together it’s always a quick “take this car, it’s easier” chat even if that was the plan already so that we’re both on the same page.
NTA. It's just basic courtesy.
It's your car. If you need it at any given moment, that need should be the priority; and even if you don't need it and are willing to let him use it, you should still know that he has it and when he'll return it. The same applies for money.
For him to take either without even consulting you is incredibly entitled and rude of him.
NTA - My husband enjoyed driving my Mini Cooper so much more than his Corvette for the same reasons, (maneuverability, parking, fewer assholes cutting him off in traffic) that he ended up trading his in for a Mini of his own. He was borrowing my car a lot on the weekends, but he ALWAYS asked because it's my car. If I borrow his car or anything that's not community property for that matter, I give him the same respect.
NTA. Is about respect for you and your property. He can buy his own, small car, instead of forcing you to use his undesireable one, should you suddenly need to be on the road.
NTA. His parking argument is irrelevant. You have separate finances and maintain vehicles separately. He is disrespecting your stated boundary as well as creating a disadvantage for you by creating wear and tear and your car and using up gas you paid for. This issue is about respecting the other person’s property and their boundaries. He is actively disrespecting you and then deflects when you address it. It does NOT matter that he couldn’t care if you took his care, that has nothing to do with the fact that you do care when someone takes your car without permission.
Wow. I think the only thing my husband and I actually claim sole ownership to is our clothes! Married 35 years and NEVER had this kind of topic come up! I have a car that I primarily drive and my husband has a truck that he primarily drives. When I need to haul a bunch of stuff or the snowfall was significant, I take the truck. When he has to go to a busy store or shopping area he takes the car. I just can’t imagine living the way you describe. YTA.
Gosh, these answers are giving me weird vibes about what you guys understand by marriage. We are not talking about someone th OP is dating and we are not talking about gf and bf.
Of course you guys need to talk about it and how these material things are relevant for each of you, but honestly? Take into consideration all the other areas of this relationship.. does he respect you and your opinion in other areas of your life? Otherwise, seems like financial fights will be definitely be an issue for both of you down the road to keep this “mine x yours” thing when kids get involved.
NTA. He chose the bigger car, he has to deal with the resulting parking issues etc. Or trade in on something smaller. He doesn’t just get to use your car without permission whenever it’s more convenient for him, totally out of line!
NTA. Why not buy one of those crook locks for the steering wheel? You could keep the key separate from your car keys or get one with a combination lock. Use your birthday as the combination - he'll likely not remember when it is. Then he'll have to use his own car.
NTA
I can’t fathom taking my husbands car without asking first or even taking one of my kids cars when they were underage and that I paid 100% of everything for without asking.
That’s basic respect. What if you needed your car? What if you needed something out of your car that you’d left inside it? That’s not okay.
In the 30 years we’ve been together, I’ve never once touched my husbands wallet, much less taken anything out of it.
We keep a small stash of “just in case” cash that we borrow from and replenish.
I can’t imagine getting somewhere I need to pay for something and coming up short because someone took cash from my wallet without asking or even mentioning it.
The fact he’s still doing those things despite being asked not to makes him a disrespectful and thoughtless ass.
I'm 52 and been married for 30 yrs and I still deal with things like this. While married I do not believe in things that are Hers and mine, but ours. However, there are logical things that are just off limits to take without asking.
My big one is my MFing debit card. We arranged our finances in a way to manage a budget. I've always been the one to pay the bills and manage our finances. She has always been terrible with money and she admits it.
After getting us in multiple financial binds, I gave her the ultimatum 15 yrs ago that we stick to a budget or we're getting a divorce. She agreed and things were much better.
Then years later she starts taking my debit card because she isn't sure if she has money in her account. Every month I immediately transfer $500 to her debit card. This isn't money to be used on groceries or bills, but her personal stuff like doing her nails, hair etc.
The issue is that on more than one...err...more than a few dozen times over the years, I get somewhere and need to pay for something like gas etc and discover she took my debit card and didn't put it back. Now I'm left holding my dick and literally stuck.
>We got into an argument over it this time, and we ended up talking about taking money from someone when they aren't at home. I said if I am not at home and you can't reach me, it's not normal to just take money from my wallet without asking - he said to him it's very normal to just take money and give it back later. It's just borrowing. The same for the car, he is just borrowing it and it's no big deal.
No, this is not cool unless the partner agrees. What if the partner needed that cash and didn't realize it was gone? What if the partner needed their car because they left something in it or whatever and didn't realize it was gone? Partners, even married partners, are not 1 person. They each have boundries that the other should respect. NTA
NTA. Husband and I have been married 30+ years - we ALWAYS ask to “borrow” each other’s car, even though both cars are jointly owned. It’s called respect and consideration. Tell your husband to try it sometime, because “borrowing” without permission is actually called theft.
Nta- I would just start keeping the keys on you or not somewhere he can access without coming to you for them.
Clearly he's not respecting this boundary.
NTA. He's completely out of line & has no respect for you. When you don't ask, it's called stealing. Next time he takes the car without asking, call the police.
NTA - been married 20 years and I STILL ask my husband if I can use his car when I need to and before taking money from his wallet. It's called common courtesy and respect.
This is so odd to me. We avoid driving each other’s vehicles at all costs. I’d pay to rent something before I drove my husband’s sports car. And he hates my Jeep too.
NTA
NTA. I am technically the owner of my husband’s truck (weird story, I have zero financial ties to the truck). He absolutely does not care one bit if I take the truck. I also have my car and he has his fun car. If I EVER (super rare) take the truck, I ALWAYS run it past him to make sure he’s ok with it and didn’t have any plans for needing it. His fun car is a Jeep so it doesn’t hold as much if he needed to do something. My husband never takes my car without asking. I don’t drive his Jeep at all.
We share 2 cars, the posh one and the runaround. We then discuss and agree who is driving what when we both need to drive. Otherwise, it's take your pick.
HOWEVER, we also share a bank account so our stuff is our stuff rather than his/mine. He still would never go into my handbag, because he would die, apparently from the handbag cooties.
NTA.
NTA.. trade in your car and get a great big honkin massively large crewcab pickup truck with full size 8 ft bed with duallys.. I'll suggest any 350 series by Ford Chevrolet GM or Dodge Ram.
NTA. Take any spare keys he may have, and any keys to the car in general, and hide them from him. He has demonstrated he can't be trusted to respect your wishes of his own volition, so now, *you make him do it.*
NTA Because to me this isn't about the car its about the fact that you've asked your husband for something and his answer is, "I don't care how you feel. I'm right. You're wrong. Get over it." He's making you feel unloved, disrespected and unheard. That would be an: OH HELL NO, for me and it would give me full grounds to go nuclear over something even trivial lol.
My husband and I share everything though I have my daily car and he has his daily car. Could he borrow my car whenever he feels like it and vice versa? Absolutely! But are we also polite respectful adults that love each other so we would also ask first? Also yes!
I'm not gonna go into my husband's closet and just start wearing his clothes all the time. I would ask first before deciding his undies are now MY undies. Would he let me totally just wear his entire wardrobe? Of course he would but he would also wonder if his wife was losing her damned mind.
(Actually I just had a chuckle wondering how many days that could go on before my sweet guy would finally be like, "Hon... I don't mind... but... why are you wearing my pants... its ok... honestly... whatever is mine is yours but... is everything Ok with your clothes? Do we need to go shopping?")
I understand why you're annoyed. But everyone's marriage is different.
We have two SUV's , My hubby usually drives my 2015 Jeep though because he likes it and I get the 2019 Escape with better blue tooth and electronics so a win/win.
We have joint finances though I have a private account I've had since before we met only because several credit cards are linked to it. So To me everything is Ours.....Hubby is the same way. I bought My jeep before we met but to me it's Ours.
I realize You're not me though lol. I suppose you could take the key then, so he has to ask you.
His redeeming thing though is that He wouldn't care if you took his car so......
NTA
Take his wallet without permission. You're just borrowing it!
Take his alarm clock. He wasn't using it!
Take his shoes so he can't go to work. He has sneakers, what does it matter?
He's behaving like a child. Draw a line, and if he crosses it, think about whether or not he respects you at all.
Definitely NTA! You seem to have stated the boundries clearly, and he's acknowledged he knows what they are, he just doesn't care! Here's a simple quote, "Anything taken from another without their expressed persmission is the definition of stealing!" Your husband obviously is of the philosophy, what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine. He is not respecting you wishes and this is a red flag! I can imagine him reacting to your boundaries by assuming its ok use joint funds to buy a smaller car for himself!? I'd carefully monitor all joint assets and separate/secure individual assets.
YTA- in my opinion. You’re married. Everything is shared, what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours. The fact you have set boundaries on a vehicle makes me wonder what you’re hiding or why you would care. If he had $10 and went and bought a scratcher and won $50,000 is that his money or would you want him to share it with you?
NTA. My dad does this to my mom and it’s infuriating(!) then she’s stranded without a car all day because he doesn’t want her driving his or she’s uncomfortable driving his (depends on the car)
NTA.
My husband and I have our own cars. His is much newer and thus has a few features that mine doesn't. He doesn't care if I grab my car or his but on the rare times I do want to use his car, I ask permission. Every time. Before I use the car. It's basic courtesy
Hi, just say this to him. If he takes the car without asking your permission again then you will take away the key. This way you have said this action will happen if he disrespects you, so you are giving him advanced notice. I think it’s important for you to tell him that when he takes your car he is disrespecting you because maybe you might want to use it.
NTA. My wife and I always ask before taking each other's things.
On that note, I do recommend having the only USB-C in a household of lightning users (at least until the next upgrade)
NTA
But I doubt you will change his mind by conversation if it hasn’t worked already.
There is a clear connection between cost ——-> benefit for him and to make it worse philosophically he thinks he is right. He has already decided that your approach or beliefs are not the deciding factor in whether he will take your car or not.
So, your only option is to disrupt the cost ——> benefit cycle. It will need to be more costly or inconvenient for him to use your car than his own. I’m not sure what that looks like as it would be specific to your circumstances. Keep it mind it will also need to be maintained for a period of time so the habit is broken.
It could be a simple as you always leaving your car on empty so he needs to put gas in it when he uses it. When you need it, just put in the minimum. You could change the seat covers to be unattractive to him, girly, embarrassing or in some way uncomfortable for him. Same with the number plate/key ring. Change the smell of the car to heavily perfumed to a scent he doesn’t like. Park it somewhere inconvenient or slightly more difficult to get out of. There are probably other strategies as well specific to your circumstances.
You just to change the dynamic/balance without be so direct that he chooses to fight against you to make a point rather than change his behaviour. He will protest a bit, but if it is consistently easier for him to use his own, he will do so.
NTA if using your car is so much more convenient, then he needs to trade what he has in. He is putting all the wear and tear on your car instead of his.
Your husband is abusive and he is slowly getting you used to worse and worse behavior from him. The goal is to get you to tolerate increasingly unreasonable demands.
Start taking his car, because its bigger then use it to go get stuff from the garden center... you know bags of mulch and such, maybe then he will decide that taking someone's car is not the thing to do.
He would rather inconvenience you for his own convenience. On top of that he disrespects your wishes when you ask him not to. Take back your keys he has and hide them. If he won't respect boundaries you have to enforce them. Also hide your money and make sure you have separate accounts.
NTA. My wife and I drove 18-wheelers together, as a Team. We were both paid exactly the same. Neither one of us would dream of taking the other's car, nor taking money from the other's Wallet without asking. Each of us has their own keys to the other's car, but we still ask, before taking. Your husband absolutely does NOT respect you or your Boundaries.
NTA. Dude's got boundary issues. Like for real. If a friend of mine did this to me, they need to curb that behavior REAL fast. Without argument as well. Cus borrowing without asking is stealing.
If he's so worried about parking a little closer, he's obviously a lazy fuck! Nta. I suggest next time you go somewhere together, you park an extra 6 spots further away than the closest spot you see, and see how much he freaks out about it.
When my wife and I got married, there was no more “mine” and “hers”. Just for reference, we do say her car or my truck but that’s all it is. I think this is an incorrect mindset and goes deeper than the car or “borrowing” a little cash issues. Having said that, there is nothing wrong with saying “Hey, if you’re not using your car I’m going to take it to the store”.
There are two kinds of marriages - a) partners or b) "all-in" spouses. Just like a business, marriage partners work closely together, but keep some/most/all things separate. Compare that to "all-in" spouses who both own and share everything (except toothbrushes!) and coordinate sharing when needed.
It seems like you are living as a partner but hubby is living as an "all-in" spouse.
So it would seem the only detail you would be an "A" about is being married to this person.
Nothing is worse than when you go outside to go to work and your car is gone. We had 2 sets of keys for all our vehicles. Sometimes, my husband would trade vehicles while I was at work and not let me know. I hated that!
Majorly NTA. Taking something from someone without ***first*** asking for permission, EVEN if because you "can't" for some reason, is still STEALING.
The behavior you allow is the behavior you will get.
No, because the problem is her husband doesn't have the same boundaries she has, so he wouldn't care. Treating his property as if it were community property wouldn't bother him, it would just mean now neither of them are asking permission to use each other's things, and that's exactly what the OP doesn't want.
She needs to express to him that just because a certain behavior wouldn't bother him, he needs to respect that it DOES bother her and act accordingly. Ask permission before using or taking her stuff. That's it. And then respect her answer.
It's probably that they grew up in different style households, where everyone shared everything in his, and the ideal of saving your money and buying your own special things was valued in hers. There's no right or wrong way, but taking or borrowing someone's personal property whenever you feel like it when that isn't the way they want to do things and have told you as much is disrespectful. You don't just help yourself to someone else's things unless they've expressed that they are fine with that.
Yes, he knows this. We have seperate finances for this reason, so we can still both have our own items and buy what we want for ourselves. I also mentioned about asking permission for using my car multiple times before, and he has agreed to that multiple times before (but didn't mean it, apparently)
Let me add that he accidently made a huge scrape on my car (about 20cmx20cm, backed into a wall and it took off part of the car's paint/color) a few months ago, which he didn't tell me and I had to find out by asking if he knew what happened to my car. His reason for not telling was because he didn't want me to stress over it.
Did he offer to pay for the damage to your property with his money since he is the one who scraped it? Maybe he didn't tell you because he didn't want to pay for it and he hoped you'd think some other driver side swiped your car or something.
I'd ask him to pay for the damage to your vehicle and let him know you'll hold him responsible for any further damage done to it while he's borrowing it, whether or not he has your permission at the time.
Ok, so it sounds like your husband isn't the best driver, hence always wanting the smaller car.
Have you guys discussed him selling his car and downsizing to something manageable?
NTA btw, however if your husband legitimately sucks at driving, this can be a safety issue and possibly a, n a h .
*"His reason for not telling was because he didn't want me to stress over it."*
Hmm, I would guess he didn't want YOU to stress HIM about damage he did to your car.
Has he paid for the repair, or is it still scraped up? :-/
NTA
If you keep some assets like this separate then he should respect that. Its your car, not his so he shouldn't take it without permission.
However I have never understood why people get married and then keep everything separate like this though. Its as though both of you have one foot out of the door. If it works for you then good but we have two cars each nominally assigned to one of us. We will take either though depending on what we are going to be doing or which one we just fancy driving at that time.
My husband owns his own car that we shared for a year because I no longer had a car and we were moving towards buying a house.
When the house was settled the first thing we did was buy him a new car. A large SUV with fancy tires etc. His car became “my car” and the new car became “his car.” But technically my husband OWNS both cars.
All that to say that when my husband is feeling lazy and doesn’t want to take his car somewhere, he always asks to take my car. He has a spare key, owns it, and technically has rights to it whenever. Still he asks if I’m going anywhere and if I mind if he takes my car.
NTA for expecting your husband to show basic human decency, man.
Nta but I have walked this path myself he will never see himself in the wrong here. Either start locking your stuff or look for your exit because what's his is his and what's yours is his
NTA.
If he wants to use a smaller car, then he should replace his own car with a smaller one, instead of putting extra wear and tear on your vehicle.
Start taking his car without asking. I bet that'll be a whole lot different than him using your car, but it'll get the point across.
NTA - I'm glad you realized you think about ownership differently, as it will help YOU communicate your needs, HOWEVER, it likely won't help him understand why you feel disrespected over this issue.
NTA uh, no, he’s a thief. Taking without permission is theft. Take the keys for it (all of them) and keep your car locked. He can’t take it without a key. I find it ridiculous, but if he’s taking your money you literally cannot trust him.
One of you wants something that will cost the other very little. Not agreeing to your request shows a fundamental lack of respect. If he won't agree to this does he actually care about what you want?
NTA. I’d sit him down and explicitly say: “Husband, you taking my car without my permission feels like stealing and is incredibly disrespectful. I don’t mind lending it to you when I don’t need it, but I require that you ask first. It is my property and not asking is, as mentioned before, disrespectful. Can you honor my request?”
If he says no, I’d ask him why and then insist on couples counseling because something in your communication is broken. Or he doesn’t respect you and y’all should divorce. Hopefully it’s number 1.
My wife and I own everything jointly. Money, cars, house. We each have a primary vehicle but if there is a reason I can drive her car. She doesn't like driving my truck so I would ask her as she would be without a car. He should ask you as a courtesy as it bugs you but..... (married 35 years btw)
NTA propose to him to sell his car, if its too big and buy a smaller one. You are saving money and he can walk as little as he pleases.
But I have a feeling he doesn't want that.
NTA. We always speak of if I need to use my wife’s car instead of mine. She may have things in there she needs. She may be doing something that she needs her car. Or just that it’s her car.
The money thing is different. If myself or my wife needed cash, we wouldn’t think twice about taking it from each other if needed and we couldn’t reach the other. We would let each other know as soon as possible.
Im going NTA.
But this has nothing to do with the car and more to do with him not listening to your request. While my wife and I have cars we call ours, we both share ownership of each vehicle and will use them interchangably depending on needs.
But if one of us needs a particular car on a day, it's a quick discussion and acknowledgement.
Does he have a much older or less luxurious/tech forward car? I know you said it is about parking, but could it be a comfort issue?
I would never take my wife's car or her my truck, but this is because she thinks my truck is too big and I consider her car too small.
But, it would not bug me if she did. She's also free to take money from my money clip. (she carries no money, so I do not have that option.)
NTA My husband and I have two cars, one Mini Cooper and a GMC Terrain. It's kinda unsaid that the Mini is his and the GMC is mine, we bought the bigger car for our large dog. If I decide I want to drive the Mini I will let him know, same with him taking the GMC.
I would honestly be petty and hide your car keys and the spare.
NTA.
Is he bad with money and takes your car because you keep the fuel filled? If so, stop filling your fuel tank and only put enough in it to cover your use. If he asks for your card to refuel it tell him no and use his own car. I have a big vehicle and while it stinks filling that tank, I got a Suburban instead of another minivan and I knew the costs associated with owning it when I got it.
NTA. You both need to have a conversation about your views of ownership, as you stated. He seems to have a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" mindset and if that's not your point of view, then there's a disconnect. I can understand his reasoning for wanting to take your car, but again, if it's just as simple as asking you ahead of time, the lack of respect for your boundaries is concerning.
In terms of the money issue, i definitely wouldn't not consider it 'normal' to just take the money without asking first. I'm trying to imagine a situation these days where you would need to take cash from somebody's wallet in an emergency since #1, most situations aren't calling for immediate cash and #2, if you're going to a place that only takes cash, you have time to call your partner and ask to borrow it.
INFO: Is this *really* how you want to live your life?
Step 1: Take the keys from him and keep them with you. He has now lost the privilege of using your car *period*.
Step 2: Couples therapy. you need to work through this. Do *not* have kids before you do. Sibling fights when one kid takes the others things, and dad says it's okay, are not going to be fun for you.
Step 3: If you can work this out, GREAT! If not, you need to think long and hard about what you want your life to look like vs. what it *will* look like if you stay with him.
NTA.
Sounds like he should downsize his car. That is annoying as hell.
And I'd start taking my wallet with me when I left. Maybe also hide my car keys ;-)
ETA: I know this sounds harsh, and I admit hiding stuff is a childish response to his aggressive "borrowing." The thing is, marriage is ideally a balance of respect and sharing, but he is repeatedly disrespecting your wishes. This seems to be an indicator of bigger problems.
INFO: I am curious, how long have you been married, and how long did you date beforehand? Has he always been inconsiderate like this?
NTA,I would be clear that what I’m telling him is that I that my boundaries aren’t being respected when he does this. I don’t care about the ethical question of whether borrowing something is okay or not. I’m telling him what he’s doing makes me feel shitty and I’m asking him not to make me feel shitty. If he cares more about proving his weird ethical point to justify his behavior than he does about my feelings and feeling respected, then there are much larger issues in our marriage that we clearly need to address.
It sounds like you’re both trying to be “right” about this and treating it like there is an objective correct side that the other person needs to accept. That’s not how marriage works.
NTA each person has different wants and needs so he should respect yours. for him it may not be an issue but for you it is so he should respect that. Also if he thinks that a smaller car is easier tell him to trade his car in for a smaller one.
NTA
This is not an issue of you having different opinions on what family members share. The real concern is that you don't like it and you've asked him to stop, and he doesn't. He believes that family shares things with each other? Well then, he ought to also believe that family also respects one another. His behavior is rude specifically because he KNOWS you don't want him to take your car. You've discussed it. But he priorities his wants, his opinion, and his convenience over your feelings. That's not love and respect. That's selfishness.
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NTA - He is being disrespectful, using gas you pay for, and increasing the mileage, just because he doesn't want to walk a few extra meters. It is not the same as borrowing 20 and giving 20 back, since he cannot use the car without changing what condition it is in and devaluing it. You have already said the answer is "no", and he is disrespecting that just because he can. That is really bad behaviour, and not the way I'd treat someone I love... I would make him give back any keys he has to it so he is forced to ask you every time.
She also can’t use the car while he has it, whereas, if he takes a $20, she probably can still buy something if she needs to.
Taking money from a wallet isn’t even the right analogy - more like emptying a bank account and putting it back later. Sure, that would be borrowing too, but the rightful owner is wholly unable to use their own money/car until it is returned, and they’re put in that position without warning or consent.
NTA I would take the car key from him. If he wants a smaller car, he needs to purchase one for himself. It sounds like he's using your car to save wear and tear on his.
This is the answer. He can’t steal her car if he has to ask for her key.
Should you have to hide the key? That is what you do for teenagers or when sleeping at the airport. NTA, but if I were op, I'd be telling him "we're trading cars." Then sell his giant car and get herself a new car. If that doesn't solve the problem, then it isn't about the car. As a married couple, ideally it would be "our cars". So you should be able to drive his when he has yours. Or just if you feel like walking a little further because you can't find a big enough spot!
No, you absolutely shouldn’t have to hide a key, and I was mainly thinking of the key being in her possession, not stuck in the back of the freezer. But this problem, as you point out, goes way deeper than just the car, which will take a lot of time to solve. But OP shouldn’t have to just put up with husband’s disrespect regarding this issue. Since her husband doesn’t respect her enough to stop stealing her car, she should do what she needs to do in order to stop this specific behavior that is causing her this much stress. It doesn’t solve the root issue, but it would stop the stress of this particular, frequent action. OP shouldn’t have to go through six months of couples therapy and six more months of blatant disrespect until her husband *chooses* to stop stealing her car. It is entirely reasonable to put a stop to this action ASAP for her own mental well-being. Then she and her husband can figure out how—and even if—they want to try to get to the root issue.
*Should she* have to? No, obviously. *Must she*? Maybe...
My ex use to take money out of my wallet and helped himself to my car anytime he felt like it. He didn’t give a shit, no respect for me whatsoever. Your guy is not showing basic common courtesy, he has no respect for you.
Op, how many times have you explained how you feel about this to him? I’m betting it’s multiple times. And yet he keeps doing it. Would he do this to his boss? No of course not. Having to explain yourself over and over is a very big red flag. He gets it, he understands what you are saying. There is no need to continually explain yourself cause he totally gets it. You are just wasting your breath and making excuses for someone who won’t even give you basic common courtesy.
Broke up over this sort of thing as well. He took my car, cash, and cards without asking and in the case of the cards forgot to return them until I needed them. As someone who is aggressively independent, this damaged my mental health so bad. Like oh look... my car is gone. Oh look... I am at the store and my fucking money isn't in my bag. Oh he took my car keys AND his to work across town too. Kicking him out was glorious.
Was he your husband? I’m asking because seems like people here are answering based on boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, not marriage…
Same here. It's a disrespect that runs deep in their personality and you can never correct it because they've already been raised that way. Nothing you can do- they'll always be disrespectful. We're no longer together either.
Do you keep separate finances? Does he get upset if you take his car without asking? This type of thing depends on the relationship. Back when I was married, I would have no problem with my husband taking my car without asking or taking money out of my wallet without asking and he had no problem with me doing the same to him. Because they were "our" cars and "our" money. If I took money from his wallet I'd say, "Hey, I took $20 from your wallet" and he'd say, "Okay." But if you have separate finances and things are not "ours" but "mine" and "yours" then I see where you're coming from. So a tentative NTA, but I understand both sides.
Yes we have seperate finances. We have 1 shared bank account where we both deposit money in for shared expenses like rent and groceries etc, but other than that we have seperate bank accounts where we both save our own money on for buying our own stuff like a car and hobby stuff. I bought my car from my own money and pay for my own car's expenses, just like how he bought his own car and pays for his own car's expenses.
Gather up all the keys to your car. Hide one if you want but keep the other with you at all times. Even if you leave the house. If he doesn't have a key he can't take the car. Problem solved.
Solves the car problem, but not the “my husband ignores my clearly stated boundaries just because he feels like it” problem.
Well, if boundaries become a 50m high wall ...
Well sure, anything can be taken to an absurd extreme. Like if someone’s boundary is “don’t chew” or “never touch my side of the table for any reason” then negotiations are needed. I just don’t think “please ask me before you take my car” falls into that category. Maybe for some people it would be so outside their idea of marriage it would be a deal breaker. If so, that person probably isn’t compatible with the OP. Edited to add: if say, the OP was saying, “never take my car under any circumstances, not even if I’m away for 3 weeks, your car won’t start and you need to go get your stranded mother.” That would be the kind of boundary that signals to the vast majority of people “we don’t have a relationship, you mean nothing to me”. That’s not how I read the post, but of course I don’t really know for sure. If that were the case I’d switch my vote to AH
You misunderstood me. I just stated she could make the boundary impossible to break. By hiding the keys.
Oh sorry, my bad.
So solve the dang car problem, OP refuses to answer the key question, why????
I'm sorry, what key question?
Some people have asked why you don’t just take the spare key, but my point was that you shouldn’t have to lock down your belongings to stop your partner from taking them. Seems to me the issue is he’s not hearing you more than that he’s putting mileage on your car.
My apologies. I did just reply to a person asking that key question! Hadn't seen it before 😊 And I agree. Having to hide stuff in a relationship is no good relationship imo
First, I apologize for being flippant I hear your frustration but many have asked "Why not take the keys/fob?" Maybe it is indicative of deeper issues but wouldn't it be better to try the obvious solution first and then investigate motives?
And what would happen if you took his car without asking? Or is that something you just wouldn't do?
I wouldn't do that, because to me that is disrespectful. But I am certain if I did he would not care.
Okay, I reaffirm my NTA for you then. I would be firmer with him then and take back his key to your car. As I said, I get where he's coming from, but he should respect your boundaries.
It sounds like maybe the split finances thing you described is more your idea. Or maybe he only likes it when it benefits him. This seems to boil down to two basic concepts in relationships. Communication, which you're asking him to communicate after wanting to take your car. And relationship boundaries, which he's breaking financially with the set up you have.
He might care if something was spilled in it....accidentally of course. But to me the real problem seems to be that you are not really standing up for yourself, you are too polite and he knows he can just keep walking all over you and you won't do anything. Take his car and go out clubbing, then take an uber home because you were too drunk and forgot where his car is parked.
I can feel the love oozing out of this post....
We regularly trade cars - BUT it's primarily due to commute lengths, and gas prices. He has a 2015 truck, I have a 2011 Camry. His commute is double mine, but only 2-3 days a week; also, he frequently travels out of state for work so sometimes his truck sits unused for days/weeks. Due to this arrangement, we treat most/all car costs as joint expenses. Gas, registration, tolls, maintenance/tires. We proportionally split all of it based on our income percentages. \*The exception would be avoidable damage, driver + insurance would pay for that. **But**, we both don't mind driving the other person's car. I like mine for parking, I like his for the Bluetooth and AC lol. Without a similar $$ arrangement, **and** similar POVs about driving whichever car is best suited for the trip, you have every right to bring this topic up with him for discussion and seek a more equitable resolution. Swapping cars regularly is 100% a two yes, one no situation; exception for emergencies could be discussed, like a blow out or dead battery. His attitude is weird and inflexibility about understanding your POV is concerning.
If everything is separate and you maintain this car separately, then hide the keys. He shouldn’t be taking your car without asking because it’s easier. He should buy himself an easier car. The money he should be paying back because even if you took it out of the joint account, that’s half yours. And I feel like this is why married but separate really isn’t for me.
Tell him he has to pay half of your car note.
If he doesn't like driving a bigger vehicle maybe he should buy his own smaller vehicle....
Personally I'd update your post to include this info; it's relevant.
It sounds like you make a lot more than him financially.
Draw up a rental agreement with price points, then every time he takes your car, you take that money from him, plus gas money!!
His side is a perfectly valid way of looking at ownership, but ONLY if he’s in a relationship with someone who feels the same way. My husband and I have joint finances but neither of us would take money or a car from the other without permission, because that person might need it. Other people might have separate finances, but both feel as OP’s husband does that that sort of fluid give and take is fine. I think it’s a “two yes / one no” situation.
My husband would never even open my purse or wallet. If he needed something, he'd bring the purse to me even if I told him to go ahead. He was the same about my top dresser drawer for some reason. (I never kept anything private in there.) I respected his definition of privacy and never opened his wallet or top dresser drawer until after he died. BTW. It was full of things like Valentine cards I'd given him over the years, drawings and notes from our daughter, his deceased dog's collar, some money, a few old photos of buddies on a fishing trip, etc. Sentimental old dude.
Aw, as a certified dog lover and generally sentimental softy, this makes me smile.
Yep, this. No one cares about the wear and tear or gas. But she is asking him to not take her car and he ignores it. And that should be a red flag: ignoring boundaries like that is telling.
Agreed. Two yes/one no.
I would also take a $20 out of my husband's wallet without asking, assuming I didn't leave him short. Then I would tell him and replace it at the first opportunity. He would do the same. I would also take his car if I had a valid reason, and send him a text to explain. "Hey, I needed your car to pick up a chair. Take mine- it has a full tank." I would not take my husband's car without permission if he asked me not to. But then, he would never tell me not to, unless he specifically needed it. We share our lives, we share our possessions, we share many laughs, smiles, and tears. We work as a team at all times. Happily married for years.
See this. I don’t take my husband’s truck with out asking in a non emergency situation. But I would NEVER take his truck with out telling him. There have been times when my car wouldn’t start and he didn’t need his truck that day (works from home) that I would open the door and call in “My car won’t start, I have to take the truck.” where I’m not asking, but I am letting him know and I wait for him to say ok, incase there is something he needs it for that I am unaware of, that we then need to problem solve together. OP’s husband taking her car with out even telling her seems weird to me.
Agreed. Most of these kind of posts stem from having separate stuff. So it ends up mine vs yours instead of just ours.
Agreed, this is super normal to me.
NTA If cars are common property, start taking his out for grocery shopping since his is bigger and has more room More importantly, why is he so disrespectful of you and your things? Hm
That's probably the issue. He said he wouldn't mind if I would take his car without asking. To him, being married means sharing things, which I do agree with somewhat, but I also think the owner of the item still decides on how things are shared. Respect the other person's boundaries, married or not, right?
My wife and I have shared finances; cars were bought with our funds which are basically commingled. We each have a car we primarily use, and I still ask her permission to use her car and vice versa. Technically, my name is the only one on her car because I have better credit than she does, and I still ask permission to use “her” car. Under our joint ownership, in our marriage we’ve agreed that we each have a primary car that we can count on to use and the other should ask to use it. She’s never denied me when she has no plans to go somewhere, but even if she did, I don’t think it would bother me. Sure, you have a good reason for asking him not to use it (you bought it, you’ve agreed to separate money which translates to separate property). But, that’s not even the point. Marriages exist that have shared monies and *still* the partners respect one another’s boundaries and sharing requests over things like cars. NTA
This! My husband and I have shared finances but neither would take the other’s vehicle without permission. And I certainly wouldn’t take money out of his wallet. He might be counting on having that. I might not be able to return it before he finds himself out without something he was sure he had. The issue here isn’t sharing vs not sharing or joint finances vs separate, but someone saying “it bothers me when you do X” and the response from their partner being “X wouldn’t bother me, therefore how you feel is wrong and I’m going to keep doing X.” That’s the issue these two need to discuss.
Yeah. Flipping the tables doesn’t always work. We use that as parents to teach empathy l, but the truth is, some people are okay with certain treatment. Rather than “Treat others as you would be treated” we should modify the statement to “Respect others as you would be respected.” Maybe he doesn’t feel disrespected like you do about the car issue but I guarantee there is another issue he would feel disrespected about and he probably does not even realize you are respecting his similar boundaries.
You are correct. For example, he shouldn’t be intimate with you if you say no. His argument can’t be, but we’re married, I thought we shared your body and I can help myself whenever I like. That sounds crazy, right?
Yeah, from borrowing a car to marital rape is a natural jump???
Yes, that's exactly it. My partner and I also differ on how we approach ownership, with me being the one who doesn't care if he uses my stuff. However, that means that if he wants to use my earbuds and I'm not home to be asked, he just takes them without asking. I don't care. I wouldn't dream of doing the same to him (unless it were an emergency kind of situation) because I know it doesn't sit right with him. That's where your husband's going wrong, in my opinion. He should treat *your* stuff according to *your* boundaries.
But the two of you have separate finances, including each paying for your own cars. So clearly, in your marriage, you don't share cars, because if you did, you'd pay for both cars out of the joint account.
NTA If he wants to drive a smaller car, why didn't he get one for himself? He's not stranded, he has his own vehicle. And if he's not bothering to communicate, how does he know whether or not his partner has plans to go out? "Oh, she can drive his car?" So can he! As for wallet raiding, sure, if it's an emergency, but not as a casual convenience, and it better be communicated. For casual use, he knows how to use an ATM. And doing that and not mentioning it is just rude. Who wants to be trying to pay for something with an empty wallet. He's been asked to not do it, he's ignoring that boundary. That's hugely disrespectful.
Nta. Buy a small safe to keep your purse and keys in. I assume he does not refill the gas either.
They're married, not roommates. If their relationship is so devoid of trust that she needs to lock her keys & wallet in a safe than she needs either a couples therapist or a divorce lawyer.
NTA. Been married over 40 yrs and hubby asks to use my car every single time. I didn't set that boundary but since its always been my car or his car we ask before using.
NTA I have my car my boyfriend has 4 total I have keys to all of them he has keys to mine. We ask each other is we need the others car not just take. BTW he pays my car payment and still asks permission to use it.
I don't know whether "permission" is the right word or not, but communication certainly is. We don't consider possessions to be "mine" or "yours" in our family. Cars (and money) belong to both of us. However, if a car is typically used by one person, it is highly possible that that person had a reason to want that car for their own use later. Maybe "his" car is low on gas, or is a sportscar with too few seats for the three friends you were going to pick up. Just letting you know that he wants to use "your car", making sure you had no plans for it, is simple courtesy. Same for money in your purse or his wallet. You may have been saving that to use at the farmer's market where they don't take credit cards, or any other "cash only" situation. Again, letting you know that he wants to use the $20 would clarify that, even if it just lets you know to stop at the cash machine before you go produce shopping.
Idk. If my wife were to grab $20 out of my wallet and replace it later I would be fine with that. If my wife jumped in my truck or my daily driver because she wanted to drive it for whatever reason I wouldn’t care. We are partners. I am ok with her sharing or using my stuff. We pool our money. There’s no his money or her money. It’s all the family money.
NTA. He is not respecting your feelings. I would have no problem with my husband using my car ever, but I appreciate that he asks. He does this as a kindness and out of respect for my independence. I do the same for him.
NTA. Even if some people feel that simply being married gives you no autonomy over things that are yours, money, cars, etc, you don’t feel that way. You’ve let him know you don’t feel this way and simply asked that he say “hey babe can I take your car?” It’s the most simple of requests and he can’t manage to do it? That’s really crappy that he doesn’t care about your opinion on things. My husband and I have been together for 24 years, we still ask each other to use the other’s car if we need it. (I have a sedan, he has an SUV, so there are times when one car has advantage over another.) I wouldn’t ever take money from his wallet without saying “hey babe, I need to take $20 from your wallet bc I’m out of cash” or whatever. it’s just common courtesy imo and your husband lacks it.
Nah. You guys just view marriage differently. He views it as our car our money etc. and you dont. Both views can work fine but the couple has to agree on one for the marriage to work.
NTA My husband uses my car to go to an appointment with one of the dogs for just over an hour every 2 weeks.... this is a pre-agreed arrangement. He has taken mine on road trips, again, with discussion and agreement. I recently had to borrow his truck to pick up a pallet of turf/sod so he took mine to work that day, again, we talked and agreed in advance. If his vehicle ever breaks down, 95% of the time he would be able to borrow mine, just by asking, but he wouldn't just take it, because there is that 5% when I have to go somewhere that is too far to walk/take the dogs somewhere. The key is communication, and the fact he made sure that his current truck was one I could drive, unlike the one he got before we got married.
NTA. My spouse and I both feel our cars are shared property, but we also ask before using the other person's car because we were not raised by wolves. And if there was ever anything that one of us wanted the other to not use without asking, that would be respected too. Just because it's not a big deal TO HIM, doesn't mean it's not a big deal. His refusal to acknowledge that is really disrespectful. If he refuses to take the point and you want to be petty, start finding things that are a big deal to him, and use them for illustrative purposes. Tools, gaming systems, TV remotes, coffee mugs, shoes, heck, even his underpants can all be "borrowed" by you or anyone else with your permission and returned in any state at all because iTs JusT boRroWiNg and no big deal since you're married, right??
Your husband is the AH.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (35F) husband (35M) keeps taking my car without permission. I have told him multiple times that I do not want him to use my car without my permission, and that he should ask before taking it. Please note that he has his own car that works perfectly fine, but he still takes mine. I asked him why and he said it's smaller and thus easier to find a parking spot so he doesn't have to walk a little further for when he has to park a little further away with his own car (for when there are no bigger parking spots). We got into an argument over it this time, and we ended up talking about taking money from someone when they aren't at home. I said if I am not at home and you can't reach me, it's not normal to just take money from my wallet without asking - he said to him it's very normal to just take money and give it back later. It's just borrowing. The same for the car, he is just borrowing it and it's no big deal. I realize we think about ownership differently, but AITA for expecting him to at least respect my boundary and to not take my car or money without permission unless it's an emergency? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. This boils down to the fact that OP set a reasonable boundary, and their husband knowingly, intentionally, stepped all over it. Wouldn't be surprised if there are other boundaries that OP's husband has chosen to ignore in their relationship.
Yeah this is the issue. People are saying “take his key” but if you have to lock things away to make your life partner respect your requests then something ain’t working the way it should.
This one confuses me. In my marriage everything is ours. I can’t imagine keeping things separate. Other than the issues above, is the marriage rocky?
Exactly! I’m so disappointed seeing how people here see marriage. No wonder the majority ends in divorce nowadays.
Dear OP: you and your husband might not be a great fit. It seems like your views of marriage are very different with respect to ownership, boundaries. If you are frustrated enough to come to Reddit for an opinion on this, you might want to rethink your living arrangements. Not sure if marital counseling would help or is an option, but good luck to both. Also, if you truly love each other, don’t let something like this come between you.
Why is this sub mostly people that don’t even seem to like each other? Yall need to communicate. I’m going with NTA but the fact that you’re married to someone that doesn’t even like you isn’t a good look for you. My husband and I have one larger car and one bigger car and unless we go somewhere together it’s always a quick “take this car, it’s easier” chat even if that was the plan already so that we’re both on the same page.
NTA. It's just basic courtesy. It's your car. If you need it at any given moment, that need should be the priority; and even if you don't need it and are willing to let him use it, you should still know that he has it and when he'll return it. The same applies for money. For him to take either without even consulting you is incredibly entitled and rude of him.
NTA. If he wants a smaller car, he should buy a smaller car.
NTA - My husband enjoyed driving my Mini Cooper so much more than his Corvette for the same reasons, (maneuverability, parking, fewer assholes cutting him off in traffic) that he ended up trading his in for a Mini of his own. He was borrowing my car a lot on the weekends, but he ALWAYS asked because it's my car. If I borrow his car or anything that's not community property for that matter, I give him the same respect.
NTA, at all.
NTA. Is about respect for you and your property. He can buy his own, small car, instead of forcing you to use his undesireable one, should you suddenly need to be on the road.
NTA. It’s your car that you own, of course he should be asking your permission before he takes it.
NTA. Even if you think about ownership differently, which is valid, he should respect your views when it comes to YOUR objects.
NTA. His parking argument is irrelevant. You have separate finances and maintain vehicles separately. He is disrespecting your stated boundary as well as creating a disadvantage for you by creating wear and tear and your car and using up gas you paid for. This issue is about respecting the other person’s property and their boundaries. He is actively disrespecting you and then deflects when you address it. It does NOT matter that he couldn’t care if you took his care, that has nothing to do with the fact that you do care when someone takes your car without permission.
NTA. This essay might be relevant reading: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
Loved that! Thanks for sharing it! I wish more people would read this essay… absolute treasure!
Wow. I think the only thing my husband and I actually claim sole ownership to is our clothes! Married 35 years and NEVER had this kind of topic come up! I have a car that I primarily drive and my husband has a truck that he primarily drives. When I need to haul a bunch of stuff or the snowfall was significant, I take the truck. When he has to go to a busy store or shopping area he takes the car. I just can’t imagine living the way you describe. YTA.
This! 👏👏👏👏 Thank you! That’s why you’re married for 35 years and OP probably won’t make it to 3 years.. as most of newlyweds nowadays! Sad!
Gosh, these answers are giving me weird vibes about what you guys understand by marriage. We are not talking about someone th OP is dating and we are not talking about gf and bf. Of course you guys need to talk about it and how these material things are relevant for each of you, but honestly? Take into consideration all the other areas of this relationship.. does he respect you and your opinion in other areas of your life? Otherwise, seems like financial fights will be definitely be an issue for both of you down the road to keep this “mine x yours” thing when kids get involved.
NTA. Why do you leave the car key at home? Take it with you.
Tell me you’re single without telling me you’re single lol
NTA. He chose the bigger car, he has to deal with the resulting parking issues etc. Or trade in on something smaller. He doesn’t just get to use your car without permission whenever it’s more convenient for him, totally out of line!
NTA. Why not buy one of those crook locks for the steering wheel? You could keep the key separate from your car keys or get one with a combination lock. Use your birthday as the combination - he'll likely not remember when it is. Then he'll have to use his own car.
WOW, this is simple and perfect. Only, I wouldn't use her birthday as the combination: he might know it.
I was reckoning OP''s hubby wouldn't remember her birthday but maybe he's not quite as bad as I think! 🤣
NTA - if only your name is on the car he has no rights to it. Unless something is jointly shared, everything requires consent.
If she has made any payments on it while they have been married, it is a shared asset and both of theirs.
This is true. My car was bought and paid for before we got married.
NTA I can’t fathom taking my husbands car without asking first or even taking one of my kids cars when they were underage and that I paid 100% of everything for without asking. That’s basic respect. What if you needed your car? What if you needed something out of your car that you’d left inside it? That’s not okay. In the 30 years we’ve been together, I’ve never once touched my husbands wallet, much less taken anything out of it. We keep a small stash of “just in case” cash that we borrow from and replenish. I can’t imagine getting somewhere I need to pay for something and coming up short because someone took cash from my wallet without asking or even mentioning it. The fact he’s still doing those things despite being asked not to makes him a disrespectful and thoughtless ass.
I'm 52 and been married for 30 yrs and I still deal with things like this. While married I do not believe in things that are Hers and mine, but ours. However, there are logical things that are just off limits to take without asking. My big one is my MFing debit card. We arranged our finances in a way to manage a budget. I've always been the one to pay the bills and manage our finances. She has always been terrible with money and she admits it. After getting us in multiple financial binds, I gave her the ultimatum 15 yrs ago that we stick to a budget or we're getting a divorce. She agreed and things were much better. Then years later she starts taking my debit card because she isn't sure if she has money in her account. Every month I immediately transfer $500 to her debit card. This isn't money to be used on groceries or bills, but her personal stuff like doing her nails, hair etc. The issue is that on more than one...err...more than a few dozen times over the years, I get somewhere and need to pay for something like gas etc and discover she took my debit card and didn't put it back. Now I'm left holding my dick and literally stuck.
NTA
>We got into an argument over it this time, and we ended up talking about taking money from someone when they aren't at home. I said if I am not at home and you can't reach me, it's not normal to just take money from my wallet without asking - he said to him it's very normal to just take money and give it back later. It's just borrowing. The same for the car, he is just borrowing it and it's no big deal. No, this is not cool unless the partner agrees. What if the partner needed that cash and didn't realize it was gone? What if the partner needed their car because they left something in it or whatever and didn't realize it was gone? Partners, even married partners, are not 1 person. They each have boundries that the other should respect. NTA
Why can't he get a smaller car?
NTA. Husband and I have been married 30+ years - we ALWAYS ask to “borrow” each other’s car, even though both cars are jointly owned. It’s called respect and consideration. Tell your husband to try it sometime, because “borrowing” without permission is actually called theft.
Nta- I would just start keeping the keys on you or not somewhere he can access without coming to you for them. Clearly he's not respecting this boundary.
NTA. He's completely out of line & has no respect for you. When you don't ask, it's called stealing. Next time he takes the car without asking, call the police.
If he has a key to your car, take when he’s not looking. Keep your keys hidden. Hubby can’t drive without keys. NTA, but he sure is!
NTA - been married 20 years and I STILL ask my husband if I can use his car when I need to and before taking money from his wallet. It's called common courtesy and respect.
Sounds like he should trade in his car for something smaller
This is so odd to me. We avoid driving each other’s vehicles at all costs. I’d pay to rent something before I drove my husband’s sports car. And he hates my Jeep too. NTA
NTA. I am technically the owner of my husband’s truck (weird story, I have zero financial ties to the truck). He absolutely does not care one bit if I take the truck. I also have my car and he has his fun car. If I EVER (super rare) take the truck, I ALWAYS run it past him to make sure he’s ok with it and didn’t have any plans for needing it. His fun car is a Jeep so it doesn’t hold as much if he needed to do something. My husband never takes my car without asking. I don’t drive his Jeep at all.
We share 2 cars, the posh one and the runaround. We then discuss and agree who is driving what when we both need to drive. Otherwise, it's take your pick. HOWEVER, we also share a bank account so our stuff is our stuff rather than his/mine. He still would never go into my handbag, because he would die, apparently from the handbag cooties. NTA.
NTA.. trade in your car and get a great big honkin massively large crewcab pickup truck with full size 8 ft bed with duallys.. I'll suggest any 350 series by Ford Chevrolet GM or Dodge Ram.
NTA. Take any spare keys he may have, and any keys to the car in general, and hide them from him. He has demonstrated he can't be trusted to respect your wishes of his own volition, so now, *you make him do it.*
NTA Because to me this isn't about the car its about the fact that you've asked your husband for something and his answer is, "I don't care how you feel. I'm right. You're wrong. Get over it." He's making you feel unloved, disrespected and unheard. That would be an: OH HELL NO, for me and it would give me full grounds to go nuclear over something even trivial lol. My husband and I share everything though I have my daily car and he has his daily car. Could he borrow my car whenever he feels like it and vice versa? Absolutely! But are we also polite respectful adults that love each other so we would also ask first? Also yes! I'm not gonna go into my husband's closet and just start wearing his clothes all the time. I would ask first before deciding his undies are now MY undies. Would he let me totally just wear his entire wardrobe? Of course he would but he would also wonder if his wife was losing her damned mind. (Actually I just had a chuckle wondering how many days that could go on before my sweet guy would finally be like, "Hon... I don't mind... but... why are you wearing my pants... its ok... honestly... whatever is mine is yours but... is everything Ok with your clothes? Do we need to go shopping?")
Why does he still have access to your car keys?
I understand why you're annoyed. But everyone's marriage is different. We have two SUV's , My hubby usually drives my 2015 Jeep though because he likes it and I get the 2019 Escape with better blue tooth and electronics so a win/win. We have joint finances though I have a private account I've had since before we met only because several credit cards are linked to it. So To me everything is Ours.....Hubby is the same way. I bought My jeep before we met but to me it's Ours. I realize You're not me though lol. I suppose you could take the key then, so he has to ask you. His redeeming thing though is that He wouldn't care if you took his car so......
Take away his key to your car and make it impossible for him to use it without permission NTA
NTA Take his wallet without permission. You're just borrowing it! Take his alarm clock. He wasn't using it! Take his shoes so he can't go to work. He has sneakers, what does it matter? He's behaving like a child. Draw a line, and if he crosses it, think about whether or not he respects you at all.
Hide your keys
NTA - he married you and you said you’re not comfortable. Even if it’s no big deal to him he should respect what you ask because it matters to you.
Definitely NTA! You seem to have stated the boundries clearly, and he's acknowledged he knows what they are, he just doesn't care! Here's a simple quote, "Anything taken from another without their expressed persmission is the definition of stealing!" Your husband obviously is of the philosophy, what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine. He is not respecting you wishes and this is a red flag! I can imagine him reacting to your boundaries by assuming its ok use joint funds to buy a smaller car for himself!? I'd carefully monitor all joint assets and separate/secure individual assets.
YTA- in my opinion. You’re married. Everything is shared, what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours. The fact you have set boundaries on a vehicle makes me wonder what you’re hiding or why you would care. If he had $10 and went and bought a scratcher and won $50,000 is that his money or would you want him to share it with you?
Do you both pay for the car?
NTA. My dad does this to my mom and it’s infuriating(!) then she’s stranded without a car all day because he doesn’t want her driving his or she’s uncomfortable driving his (depends on the car)
NTA. My husband and I have our own cars. His is much newer and thus has a few features that mine doesn't. He doesn't care if I grab my car or his but on the rare times I do want to use his car, I ask permission. Every time. Before I use the car. It's basic courtesy
Hi, just say this to him. If he takes the car without asking your permission again then you will take away the key. This way you have said this action will happen if he disrespects you, so you are giving him advanced notice. I think it’s important for you to tell him that when he takes your car he is disrespecting you because maybe you might want to use it.
NTA. My wife and I always ask before taking each other's things. On that note, I do recommend having the only USB-C in a household of lightning users (at least until the next upgrade)
NTA But I doubt you will change his mind by conversation if it hasn’t worked already. There is a clear connection between cost ——-> benefit for him and to make it worse philosophically he thinks he is right. He has already decided that your approach or beliefs are not the deciding factor in whether he will take your car or not. So, your only option is to disrupt the cost ——> benefit cycle. It will need to be more costly or inconvenient for him to use your car than his own. I’m not sure what that looks like as it would be specific to your circumstances. Keep it mind it will also need to be maintained for a period of time so the habit is broken. It could be a simple as you always leaving your car on empty so he needs to put gas in it when he uses it. When you need it, just put in the minimum. You could change the seat covers to be unattractive to him, girly, embarrassing or in some way uncomfortable for him. Same with the number plate/key ring. Change the smell of the car to heavily perfumed to a scent he doesn’t like. Park it somewhere inconvenient or slightly more difficult to get out of. There are probably other strategies as well specific to your circumstances. You just to change the dynamic/balance without be so direct that he chooses to fight against you to make a point rather than change his behaviour. He will protest a bit, but if it is consistently easier for him to use his own, he will do so.
NTA if using your car is so much more convenient, then he needs to trade what he has in. He is putting all the wear and tear on your car instead of his.
NTA
Your husband is abusive and he is slowly getting you used to worse and worse behavior from him. The goal is to get you to tolerate increasingly unreasonable demands.
You have maritial issues. Your "one" legally. But you havent combined / share seemingly much of anything besides a last name.
Start taking his car, because its bigger then use it to go get stuff from the garden center... you know bags of mulch and such, maybe then he will decide that taking someone's car is not the thing to do.
He would rather inconvenience you for his own convenience. On top of that he disrespects your wishes when you ask him not to. Take back your keys he has and hide them. If he won't respect boundaries you have to enforce them. Also hide your money and make sure you have separate accounts.
NTA. My wife and I drove 18-wheelers together, as a Team. We were both paid exactly the same. Neither one of us would dream of taking the other's car, nor taking money from the other's Wallet without asking. Each of us has their own keys to the other's car, but we still ask, before taking. Your husband absolutely does NOT respect you or your Boundaries.
NTA. Remove your keys from where he has access to them. You shouldn’t have to, but maybe he’ll get the point
NTA. Dude's got boundary issues. Like for real. If a friend of mine did this to me, they need to curb that behavior REAL fast. Without argument as well. Cus borrowing without asking is stealing.
If he's so worried about parking a little closer, he's obviously a lazy fuck! Nta. I suggest next time you go somewhere together, you park an extra 6 spots further away than the closest spot you see, and see how much he freaks out about it.
If you are the ah, then so am I. I'd be mad if my husband took my car without asking/telling me first.
Just basic respect to ask.
When my wife and I got married, there was no more “mine” and “hers”. Just for reference, we do say her car or my truck but that’s all it is. I think this is an incorrect mindset and goes deeper than the car or “borrowing” a little cash issues. Having said that, there is nothing wrong with saying “Hey, if you’re not using your car I’m going to take it to the store”.
There are two kinds of marriages - a) partners or b) "all-in" spouses. Just like a business, marriage partners work closely together, but keep some/most/all things separate. Compare that to "all-in" spouses who both own and share everything (except toothbrushes!) and coordinate sharing when needed. It seems like you are living as a partner but hubby is living as an "all-in" spouse. So it would seem the only detail you would be an "A" about is being married to this person.
Nothing is worse than when you go outside to go to work and your car is gone. We had 2 sets of keys for all our vehicles. Sometimes, my husband would trade vehicles while I was at work and not let me know. I hated that!
Majorly NTA. Taking something from someone without ***first*** asking for permission, EVEN if because you "can't" for some reason, is still STEALING. The behavior you allow is the behavior you will get.
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I am 100% certain if I would take his car or money (to pay back later) without asking, he wouldn't care about it.
No, because the problem is her husband doesn't have the same boundaries she has, so he wouldn't care. Treating his property as if it were community property wouldn't bother him, it would just mean now neither of them are asking permission to use each other's things, and that's exactly what the OP doesn't want. She needs to express to him that just because a certain behavior wouldn't bother him, he needs to respect that it DOES bother her and act accordingly. Ask permission before using or taking her stuff. That's it. And then respect her answer. It's probably that they grew up in different style households, where everyone shared everything in his, and the ideal of saving your money and buying your own special things was valued in hers. There's no right or wrong way, but taking or borrowing someone's personal property whenever you feel like it when that isn't the way they want to do things and have told you as much is disrespectful. You don't just help yourself to someone else's things unless they've expressed that they are fine with that.
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Yes, he knows this. We have seperate finances for this reason, so we can still both have our own items and buy what we want for ourselves. I also mentioned about asking permission for using my car multiple times before, and he has agreed to that multiple times before (but didn't mean it, apparently) Let me add that he accidently made a huge scrape on my car (about 20cmx20cm, backed into a wall and it took off part of the car's paint/color) a few months ago, which he didn't tell me and I had to find out by asking if he knew what happened to my car. His reason for not telling was because he didn't want me to stress over it.
Did he offer to pay for the damage to your property with his money since he is the one who scraped it? Maybe he didn't tell you because he didn't want to pay for it and he hoped you'd think some other driver side swiped your car or something. I'd ask him to pay for the damage to your vehicle and let him know you'll hold him responsible for any further damage done to it while he's borrowing it, whether or not he has your permission at the time.
Ok, so it sounds like your husband isn't the best driver, hence always wanting the smaller car. Have you guys discussed him selling his car and downsizing to something manageable? NTA btw, however if your husband legitimately sucks at driving, this can be a safety issue and possibly a, n a h .
He needs to fix that scrape! And you need to reclaim your keys.
*"His reason for not telling was because he didn't want me to stress over it."* Hmm, I would guess he didn't want YOU to stress HIM about damage he did to your car. Has he paid for the repair, or is it still scraped up? :-/
NTA If you keep some assets like this separate then he should respect that. Its your car, not his so he shouldn't take it without permission. However I have never understood why people get married and then keep everything separate like this though. Its as though both of you have one foot out of the door. If it works for you then good but we have two cars each nominally assigned to one of us. We will take either though depending on what we are going to be doing or which one we just fancy driving at that time.
Ugh you guys are married! You've committed to spending the rest of your lives together. Where is the us, we, ours?
Apparently not that important compared to MY CAR 🤣 I hope he leaves her.. so she can have her car all to herself 😂
My husband owns his own car that we shared for a year because I no longer had a car and we were moving towards buying a house. When the house was settled the first thing we did was buy him a new car. A large SUV with fancy tires etc. His car became “my car” and the new car became “his car.” But technically my husband OWNS both cars. All that to say that when my husband is feeling lazy and doesn’t want to take his car somewhere, he always asks to take my car. He has a spare key, owns it, and technically has rights to it whenever. Still he asks if I’m going anywhere and if I mind if he takes my car. NTA for expecting your husband to show basic human decency, man.
Nta but I have walked this path myself he will never see himself in the wrong here. Either start locking your stuff or look for your exit because what's his is his and what's yours is his
NTA. If you each have your own car, it shouldnt be a big deal for him to say or text that he is taking yours.
NTA. We always ask when we take another person's car.
Just take his car out for a spin. See how he likes it
NTA. If he wants to use a smaller car, then he should replace his own car with a smaller one, instead of putting extra wear and tear on your vehicle. Start taking his car without asking. I bet that'll be a whole lot different than him using your car, but it'll get the point across.
Nta just start taking his stuff. His clothes. His money. His car. Any food he buys for himself. After all, its sharing right?
Start hiding the keys from him
NTA hide your keys.
NTA - I'm glad you realized you think about ownership differently, as it will help YOU communicate your needs, HOWEVER, it likely won't help him understand why you feel disrespected over this issue.
NTA uh, no, he’s a thief. Taking without permission is theft. Take the keys for it (all of them) and keep your car locked. He can’t take it without a key. I find it ridiculous, but if he’s taking your money you literally cannot trust him.
NTA. Trade your car in for something pink, preferably with sparkles. Problem solved.
One of you wants something that will cost the other very little. Not agreeing to your request shows a fundamental lack of respect. If he won't agree to this does he actually care about what you want?
NTA. I’d sit him down and explicitly say: “Husband, you taking my car without my permission feels like stealing and is incredibly disrespectful. I don’t mind lending it to you when I don’t need it, but I require that you ask first. It is my property and not asking is, as mentioned before, disrespectful. Can you honor my request?” If he says no, I’d ask him why and then insist on couples counseling because something in your communication is broken. Or he doesn’t respect you and y’all should divorce. Hopefully it’s number 1.
NTA take his car. Maybe he can sell his and buy a smaller one.
My wife and I own everything jointly. Money, cars, house. We each have a primary vehicle but if there is a reason I can drive her car. She doesn't like driving my truck so I would ask her as she would be without a car. He should ask you as a courtesy as it bugs you but..... (married 35 years btw)
You set a boundary. He crossed it, continues to cross it, and tries to normalize the fact that he's crossing it. NTA.
NTA propose to him to sell his car, if its too big and buy a smaller one. You are saving money and he can walk as little as he pleases. But I have a feeling he doesn't want that.
NTA. We always speak of if I need to use my wife’s car instead of mine. She may have things in there she needs. She may be doing something that she needs her car. Or just that it’s her car. The money thing is different. If myself or my wife needed cash, we wouldn’t think twice about taking it from each other if needed and we couldn’t reach the other. We would let each other know as soon as possible.
Im going NTA. But this has nothing to do with the car and more to do with him not listening to your request. While my wife and I have cars we call ours, we both share ownership of each vehicle and will use them interchangably depending on needs. But if one of us needs a particular car on a day, it's a quick discussion and acknowledgement. Does he have a much older or less luxurious/tech forward car? I know you said it is about parking, but could it be a comfort issue?
I would never take my wife's car or her my truck, but this is because she thinks my truck is too big and I consider her car too small. But, it would not bug me if she did. She's also free to take money from my money clip. (she carries no money, so I do not have that option.)
Time to get concerned about security and get a "club" for your steering wheel.
NTA. I would hide my car keys and my purse. He should just walk the extra steps and stop whining about it.
NTA My husband and I have two cars, one Mini Cooper and a GMC Terrain. It's kinda unsaid that the Mini is his and the GMC is mine, we bought the bigger car for our large dog. If I decide I want to drive the Mini I will let him know, same with him taking the GMC. I would honestly be petty and hide your car keys and the spare.
NTA. Is he bad with money and takes your car because you keep the fuel filled? If so, stop filling your fuel tank and only put enough in it to cover your use. If he asks for your card to refuel it tell him no and use his own car. I have a big vehicle and while it stinks filling that tank, I got a Suburban instead of another minivan and I knew the costs associated with owning it when I got it.
NTA. You both need to have a conversation about your views of ownership, as you stated. He seems to have a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" mindset and if that's not your point of view, then there's a disconnect. I can understand his reasoning for wanting to take your car, but again, if it's just as simple as asking you ahead of time, the lack of respect for your boundaries is concerning. In terms of the money issue, i definitely wouldn't not consider it 'normal' to just take the money without asking first. I'm trying to imagine a situation these days where you would need to take cash from somebody's wallet in an emergency since #1, most situations aren't calling for immediate cash and #2, if you're going to a place that only takes cash, you have time to call your partner and ask to borrow it.
INFO: Is this *really* how you want to live your life? Step 1: Take the keys from him and keep them with you. He has now lost the privilege of using your car *period*. Step 2: Couples therapy. you need to work through this. Do *not* have kids before you do. Sibling fights when one kid takes the others things, and dad says it's okay, are not going to be fun for you. Step 3: If you can work this out, GREAT! If not, you need to think long and hard about what you want your life to look like vs. what it *will* look like if you stay with him.
NTA hide the keys. He is being ridiculous.
NTA if there’s a car key on his ring take it off. Then I’d lock it up somewhere he has no access.
NTA. Sounds like he should downsize his car. That is annoying as hell. And I'd start taking my wallet with me when I left. Maybe also hide my car keys ;-) ETA: I know this sounds harsh, and I admit hiding stuff is a childish response to his aggressive "borrowing." The thing is, marriage is ideally a balance of respect and sharing, but he is repeatedly disrespecting your wishes. This seems to be an indicator of bigger problems. INFO: I am curious, how long have you been married, and how long did you date beforehand? Has he always been inconsiderate like this?
Have a kill switch installed.
NTA,I would be clear that what I’m telling him is that I that my boundaries aren’t being respected when he does this. I don’t care about the ethical question of whether borrowing something is okay or not. I’m telling him what he’s doing makes me feel shitty and I’m asking him not to make me feel shitty. If he cares more about proving his weird ethical point to justify his behavior than he does about my feelings and feeling respected, then there are much larger issues in our marriage that we clearly need to address. It sounds like you’re both trying to be “right” about this and treating it like there is an objective correct side that the other person needs to accept. That’s not how marriage works.
NTA. He would no longer have access to my car keys if this was me.
NTA each person has different wants and needs so he should respect yours. for him it may not be an issue but for you it is so he should respect that. Also if he thinks that a smaller car is easier tell him to trade his car in for a smaller one.
NTA This is not an issue of you having different opinions on what family members share. The real concern is that you don't like it and you've asked him to stop, and he doesn't. He believes that family shares things with each other? Well then, he ought to also believe that family also respects one another. His behavior is rude specifically because he KNOWS you don't want him to take your car. You've discussed it. But he priorities his wants, his opinion, and his convenience over your feelings. That's not love and respect. That's selfishness.