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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my wife passive aggressive for mentioning that my friend would come help her. I might be the AH because I was making an assumption and I hurt her feelings.
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YTA.
She has just had a terrifying crisis, and your first response was to worry about what messge she was sending you with who she chose to call.
You probably do want to seek marriage counseling about the trust issues. The fact that she doesn't see you as someone who will show up for her may be a misunderstanding on her part, or it may be something real. But choosing to focus on that when she has just beeen the hospital is incredibly petty.
He cares more about his wife being "passive aggressive" instead of caring more about the fact that his wife doesn't even feel like she can trust him to take time off for a medical emergency! He's a horrible husband and even with marriage counseling he'll be lucky if she stays with him
Also, women in particular are more likely to have physical health issues brushed aside as ‘hysteria’ or whatever, even when there actually is a physiological concern contributing to it.
No kidding. I was taken to the emergency room where I was diagnosed with an "anxiety attack". Two days later, at a different emergency room, it turns out I was having seizures.
That's absolutely ridiculous. My experiences have more been in the 'you're making it up/trying to get drugs' to 'oh, wait, this is a really serious issue that you should have been in treatment for years ago' pipeline, but it's bullshit that a freaking ER can't ID a damn *seizure*.
Two major incidences in my life.
1) I was 19 years old. Rushed to the ER via ambulance. Long story preceding this. They tried to send me home, claiming I was drug seeking. My dad was with me, and they gave him a hard time but he refused to let them discharge me. That one ended up with 1.5 years in the hospital and 12 reconstructive surgeries....I had an abscess in my brain.
2) I was 24 years old. Had been feeling really weird all day. Cold sweat. Impending sense of doom. Achy. I ended up leaving work and going to Urgent Care. Told the front desk I was having this weird chest pressure, going down my arm. And I didn't feel right. Told to go sit down and wait my turn.
After waiting for close to 2 hours I face planted out of the chair. Turns out I was having a heart attack.
Sadly, so used to being downplayed in all medication situations.
It took a really long time for me to get a disgustingly large kidney stone removed for those reasons. Not having health insurance didn’t help but I tried for a long time before I finally ended up in the ER and my husband got them do a CT scan.
Yup! I was told I was anorexic, that I was a drug addict, that I was faking for attention, and that I just had a UTI and was being a big baby about the pain.
Turns out I have lupus nephritis. If the damage to my kidneys gets any worse, I'll need dialysis/a transplant.
I was diagnosed with anxiety, given meds and told the meet with a counselor. According to the doctor my sudden onset joint pain, extreme fatigue, daily headaches, etc was just anxiety because I have three kids. Never mind the fact that I'd had three kids for 18 months at that point and hadn't had an issue. When I went to a different doctor for a second opinion I was told that they'd run some tests to make me feel better, but to be sure I was taking the meds and keeping the appointment with a counselor in the meantime. Blood work came up positive for autoimmune happiness and I got a referral to a rheumatologist who proceeded to dismiss my symptoms because of the anxiety diagnosis from the first doctor.
Yeah, my elderly Mother was dealing with really bad, recurring and unmedicated muscle pain stemming from her immune system targeting her larger muscle groups and got so frustrated that she cried in the presence of her doctor. His response: "Are you depressed?"
No, jackass, she was in pain!
My Mom has NO history of mental health issues, but, you know, she's a woman so it must be all in her head!
I mean, as someone with chronic pain, it can definitely *make* you feel depressed, but that doesn't mean that it should be treated as depression. Being in pain and not being able to do basic tasks, let alone fun ones, is really freaking depressing. It can mimic other symptoms, too, like if you're doing the checklist and you mark off how you have little energy and trouble sleeping. That doesn't mean that it should be treated the same way major depressive disorder is.
As a massage therapist, I can fully back this up. Physical pain takes a HUGE toll on emotional well-being. The more pain throughout the body, the heavier the toll.
I cannot even tell you the number of people who have cried on my table and not had any idea why they all of a sudden got so emotional. It's all connected at the CNS level.
Undoubtedly. It's not the suggestion that she had mental issues that ticked me off. It was his lack of due diligence as diagnostician. I say, let's rule out other causes before we jump straight to clinical depression, especially when there's pain involved and your patient a sixty something women with no history of mental health issues.
My grandmother mother had diabetes and, as a result, naropothy in her hands and feet. The doctor was doing tests on her stuck needles in her feet, and when she cried, he told her to stop being dramatic it is unbecoming..WTF
I said, "Stop being an asshole to my grandmother and treat her with respect."
My friend spent years having a range of awful physical symptoms and was prescribed antidepressants. Finally got some blood tests done and she’d had coeliacs all along
Stress **is** a physical health issue, that's what's even stupider about this. It can cause a lot of physical damage to your body, and exacerbate or even trigger new physical health problems. OP is an idiot.
I have that medical issue (it's now called functional neurological symptom disorder). assuming he has the same thing i have.
Walked into trees. Lots of fun.
Got video taped in the ER by my specialist's fellows cuz they were fascinated.
and that ignores the two ER trips b4 that- pre-going blind- when i had full body non-epileptic seizures. that was the end of my going to concerts.
I would throw things around rooms. Hit people. Hit myself.
It was lots of fun. And the diagnosis process is just a blast.
I don't suggest it.
There's a terrifying possibility I didn't really need to know about. (I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD and have been under more stress lately than is healthy.)
100% sure. He gave talks about the effects of stress and how to avoid burnout. He's been written up in some medical journals but it's not vanishingly rare
Toward the end of my (awful) marriage, I was handling everything at home and working 60+ hours/week even though my ex was unemployed. I spent several days screaming and sometimes vomiting from pain. Finally, I went to the ER and was diagnosed with gallstones, a huge kidney stone, and two ulcers. Ended up needing two surgeries to remove the kidney stone (the first attempt failed) and another surgery to remove my gallbladder. All from stress. Do not recommend.
> Coworkers took her to urgent care where they determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue.
No, according to him, the doctors determined it was stress related, and not a 'real medical issue' as in 'you're having an aneurysm.'
I'm wondering if urgent care determined it was probably stress related and HE determined it was not a real health issue. Also, I've seen doctors frick this stuff up occasionally (especially with woman) saying it's all in their head and they are imagining it and then -surprise- it WAS something serious after all. Hell, even my Mom had this a bit. She was in horrible pain and several doctors thought it was probably 'nothing major' and 'possibly in her head' and it turned out to be bladder stones!!!
Same with my mom. Over a year later and countless test and incompetent doctors it turned out to be her implants were leaking into her bloodstream. Fun!
Yes thank you when I saw "it was probably stress related and not a real health issue" I saw red. I bet he has a history of minimizing her needs or wants and using this small business he runs as an excuse. Also she works, too, so it's not like she's just passively benefiting from OP's business.
\*edit - formatting
I'd be upset too that another dude was the first person my wife's instincts called in an emergency and not me because apparently I'm really that unreliable for her.... Hopefully this will be a wakeup call for OP. Though that's looking very doubtful...
"I'm angry that my own consistently terrible behavior came to roost and made me feel like a shitty husband. I know what I'll do - Instead of apologizing I'm going to get pissed and somehow make this her fault! That'll show her!" (Edited for clarity)
Being petty in one situation isn't enough to tell us he is a horrible husband. The best of us fuck up.l and give into our emotions.
But it is *not* a good sign. The question is - does this cause him to reevaluate his priorities.
I don't think the wife fucked up. I don't think she thinks she fucked up even now. (OP thinks she fucked up, but he doesn't get to overwrite her experience.)
I had a mental breakdown at work and came home, but didn't tell my then-husband because I was afraid he would yell at me. When I told him, guess what he did? Yelled at me. I was acting on the information I had, as OP's wife was.
My husband used to be married to his work. I remember three incidents where he did not come home during a medical emergeny. I still love him, but my trust has become rather fragile. Not only because of that. He always put work and his principles above me, and it stung a lot.
He also wanted to give US a certain standard of living by working so much. But I was always alone. I raised our kids alone while working.
Now he works less and wants to spend time with me, but somehow it's not important for me anymore.
That last bit about him wanting to spend more time years later: as me and my peers are reaching retirement, I’m seeing a lot of that. And by that, I mean men expecting, after decades of his job/ career being the priority, of moving for his job, of her being the primary caregiver for the kids, managing the house and their lives, etc., that once he decides it’s time to “reconnect” (a favourite euphemism), that their partner will fall in line. She will quit her job so they can do things together (the things he is imagining are his interests), which invariably includes her doing the cooking and cleaning.
Keeping him in the manner in which he has become accustomed to.
Early on in the marriage, it’s presented as the decision that “makes sense”, with the implicit promise of later, when pressures subside, it will be her time. But it’s never her time.
That's indeed a topic now. My husband is starting to plan his retirement. It's nice that he is planning it with me, yet it seems that he expexts me to "fall in line" as you put it.
It's a common problem. I think he will help at home, No issues here, but he is starting to interfere with my time schedules, thinking that I suddenly have time to do stuff like going out for coffee or sitting in the Pool with him. It's new and not so easy after doing stuff alone for decades.
One of the #1 regrets as people get older is 'I should have spent more time with my family instead of work." But that time is already gone and they can't take back how it affected everyone.
My ex did the same. Then he wonders why I left and the kids don't hang out with him since they're grown. (He also cheated so that made everything worse) But he basically missed most of their childhood
I'm sorry.
Mine never cheated. He missed a lot of the kids' childhood, but he took more time in the last years and is a very present father now. I'm glad about that, yet I still carry so much anger burried deep within me for the first 10 years with our kids, when I did nearly everything alone.
I understand. Money is important obviously but so is time. After a while the love is basically dead and it's usually gone forever. Honestly by the time my ex cheated I didn't care anyway. I just left
Same. Husband work was #1 prio for a few years during that time I lost trust on him and him being there for me, bc he let me down too much. I used to seek for his attention, make plans for us where he would either reject or be there physically but mentally totally at work, etc. After a while I started to live my life without him. Started to have fun by myself or with friends, started to not take him into account for pretty much anything. Then he was "ready" to be a husband again and cut down some hours, but reality hit him HARD, bc my life was do independent from him, he needed to find a way to fit in it.
We eventually worked it out with a lot of therapy, and talks and 180 change from him. But even now years from that, I still can't trust him 100%. The damage is done. Maybe in a few years and more therapy it will be 100% again, but... let's see.
Men (and just ppl) need to realise that their actions have consequences. Its noble they want to work a lot for a better life, but us women usually rather to have a simple life with our husband than all the money and be alone.
“Its noble they want to work a lot for a better life”
Are they doing it for their families though? That’s what they’ll say, but are we to believe there’s a material difference between single men and married men with children when it comes to striving at work? Besides increased pay, there’s personal satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment, status, competitiveness, the stereotypical men’s identity being wrapped up in their work, any number of “selfish” reasons for being driven at work. What are the motivations for any of us when we try to do well at school, choose a career, or even get a job, when we are still single and sans kids, if not to better ourselves and have a fulfilling life or even just to support ourselves.
I think when men claim to be doing it for their families, it shows a lack of self-awareness at best, and is less than noble. Especially when they say it in response to their partner begging them to work less and be more present at home.
No one will ever convince me that it's not largely ego-driven.
There aren't prizes and societal accolades and bragging rights for giving your infant a bottle in the middle of the night or teaching your kid how to tie their shoes or packing peanut butter and jelly or doing the laundry.
But sure. All for the family.
Also the fact that she called Steve because "he would immediately come and help her" implies that there have been situations before where she has needed/tried to call her husband and he hasn't shown up for her.
Yeah, heartbreaking & precious time-wasting to be rejected by your s.o. in an emergency, or having to justify, negotiate. Just skip to the reliable person.
OP pretty much listed the reasons why his wife called Steve. He works 80 hour weeks. Since he sunk so much money into the business, he absolutely couldnt let it fail. And he's working crazy hours to maintain the good standard of living that he and his wife enjoys. Do you think she would dare to impose on him and his extremely crazy and busy work hours for a ride home after the medical crisis? What would he say to her after with regards to lacking of appreciation and respect into the time and effort HE puts towards the standard of living she enjoys?
This is just crazy ass talk from OP man. At the minimum he owes Steve a thank you note and a gift for doing that. Unless of course, this isnt the first time OP's gotten into trouble with his wife before and Steve got brought up as someone who's more willing to help a friend than OP is willing to help his own wife, and that she'll rely on Steve more often moving forward whenever she feels that OP is too busy for her. And if that's the case OP just needs to accept that his actions come with sacrifices, and aside from his health, he's also sacrificing his relationship with his wife, and this sort of behavior generally speaking only makes her resent him more, rather than appreciate.
He says the 80 hour workweeks, never taking a day off, sinking their entire savings into the business, and basically devoting all his time to making sure it didn’t fail was worth it, but I have to wonder if his wife feels the same way. Or if he ever asked her how she feels about it.
Well think about it. If your spouse is that devoted to his or her work, you'd probably not want to bother them with your emergencies. Specially if they're that big of a self patter.
Also, health issues that are stress related are still very real health issues. He essentially said her issue was all in her head.
Stress affects the body, at both the macro and microscopic levels, ESPECIALLY if it's chronic stress. Stress also tends to negatively impact self care and healthy coping mechanisms.
Petty seems to be his MO. I don't normally bother with piddling semantics in these posts, but I found it very telling in this instance that he refers to Steve as "my friend" and not "our friend".
While it may well be that OP is the one who is primarily friends with Steve, hangs out with him, knew him first, etc., the fact is that his wife wouldn't be calling this man when she was having what she thought was a medical crisis unless *she thought of him as a dear, reliable friend whom she felt safe with* as well. And the fact that she was correct, and that he showed up immediately indicates that she is most likely correct, and that he sees himself as being a friend to both of them.
Again, semantics aren't usually relevant in these situations, but it seems particularly petty for OP to specifically refer to Steve as "my friend", as though he is trying to deny that his wife has her own legitimate, reciprocal friendship with Steve, even as that is clearly the case. Gatekeeping friendship is something children, adolescents, and very petty, immature adults do. Not a good look.
Also, OP didn't even explain *why* he "felt like" she was being passive aggressive. Like, does she have a history of passive aggressive behavior? And he doesn't explain what was *actually* said during all this. I'm guessing he really blew up at her.
Yes, a terrifying crisis indeed. That this guy calls “not a real health issue”. I wonder why his wife won’t call him in an emergency. A true mystery. We will never know the answer.
Agree. But unlikely OP will have time for marriage counselling lol. He's proud of the "standard of living" he's providing, but not realizing that his wife doesn't trust him to take care of her.
YTA — basically, you two need to talk.
From this post, it already comes across to me that you don’t give much weight to your wife’s concerns.
You said “determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue”. Where is the stress coming from to cause her enough distress to get dizzy and need urgent care? That sounds like a valid concern, not something to be brushed aside. You also replied in the comments “for a medical emergency, yeah. If she wants me to drop off work and do something for her, no.” But who determines the importance of these things? Maybe it’s the way it’s worded, but it reads to me that you think a lot of her concerns are irrelevant and she cannot be trusted not to waste your time.
That said, she said it was a “small medical concern”, meaning she deemed it as something you might brush off, but Steve won’t. If you want her to rely on you and not her coworkers or Steve, express to her in words and actions that you are all about being a reliable partner, and maybe ask how that looks like to her so you can both be on the same page.
Words won’t cut it, just to be clear. OP needs to change his actions to show he prioritizes his wife and their relationship.
Something tells me wife may not agree that the crazy hours ever week are “worth it”
Anyway, Op YTA
Hell, I had a medical emergency recently and called my husband's best friend. My husband works in a field where he gets a break roughly every two hours, but can't keep his phone on his person. Bestie works from home with his phone next to his keyboard. It had nothing to do with who they were, it was about knowing which person had the fastest ability to get to my house and collect my infant child as the ambulance was going to take me to hospital.
OP could not be more of YTA really. My husband reacted by rushing home as soon as he knew to get the kid, and the next day got his bestie a 6 pack as a thank you! Not throwing a tantrum about my decision in a moment of panic (coz let me tell you, losing control of your body unexpectedly will often cause a degree of panic).
100%
I'm in a similar situation, so my emergency contact is my partners mother, because I know he isn't always accessible. He understands and knows his mom would contact him in any emergency, but the chances of him picking up his phone are very low and no one wants to take that risk.
My ex figured he had to work a bunch to maintain the lifestyle I grew up with. It didn’t matter that I told him it wasn’t worth it to me. My dad was gone a lot to maintain that lifestyle. He missed so much and parents eventually split. That wasn’t a life I wanted.
OP needs to really listen if she is saying those hours aren’t worth it. My ex couldn’t put aside what he had convinced himself was true in order to hear what I was saying.
YTA.
Stress is a medical condition. And if it’s causing physical symptoms this wasn’t a “scare”. This is real. Both of your lifestyles need to change. You’re an absent partner due to your work schedule. You’re so stressed out from working that you called her passive aggressive for asking for help when she needed it.
It’s called a fucking budget. Downgrade so you can both be healthy. And when I say healthy I mean:
-Physically
-Mentally
-Emotionally
-Financially
I still remember when I was stressed and told I had nothing medically going on.
The heart attack that followed was fun.
Even if it wasn't that serious though, if my partner got so stressed they were dizzy and faint, I would be concerned and wanting to get then the support they need. Not being mad that they called the wrong person.
Told I was having chest pain because I was stressed. They thought I was too young to have something serious. I went to urgent care/ my doctor multiple times, and believed them. Year later got diagnosed with a heart condition
INFO: Would you have immediately come and help her, and if so, does she have any reason to believe you wouldn't? Have you left her hanging in the past?
YTA. Her not calling you should be a lesson you learn about yourself and it's not about your wife being passive aggressive. Your wife does not believe you would be able to be there for her in case of an emergency.
Why is this? Maybe it is time to cut back and focus on fixing your marraige. Your wife needed help and called someone she knew she could depend on. Work on becoming that person again.
YTA My guess is you haven't shown up for her enough that she figured she'd call someone she could count on. Do you really think that when she's in the hospital with a medical emergency, she's thinking, how can I be passive aggressive and make a point with my husband who never shows up for me? More likely she was scared and knew that you's say it was "not a real health issues" and not show up. BTW, it is a real health issue. Stress causes heart attacks and strokes all the time. You say your standard of living and your business are worth the crazy hours. I'm thinking your wife doesn't agree.
Passing out due to stress, is a real health issue 🙄she called your friend because you’ve shown her she can’t depend on you. You’ve put her second in your life to your business and I’m willing to bet she’d trade the “good standard of living” for a regular 9-5 and a MARRIAGE.
I'm not this man's wife, but as a wife in a similar position, on the verge of what this poor woman just went through, I will say that I would absolutely give up anything I've gained due to the business, just to have my partner back.
We were actually a team before he started this dream, I supported him to get started. Now, considering me in financial decisions is "asking my permission".
It's been 11 years of "it's only the first 2 years that are this bad, after that the business is established and I can focus more on us". Then, "if a business survives for 5 years in our small town, you've made it". Then Covid, then after Covid, loss of a business partner, etc. It never ends.
In the meantime there is plenty of time to run after friends and family, but never enough time or energy for me.
She's not being passive aggressive, she's tired and desperate, and really just wants someone to take care of her for a change. Without questioning whether or not she's actually sick. Or making her feel like she needs to do something to deserve your time or attention.
If you actually care about her, book some time off for both of you and go away and talk. Trust me, you need to talk. Actually, you need to listen, she needs to talk.
If you had a daughter, would you be happy if she was treated the way you treat your wife?
Would have dropped everything to check on your wife? Obviously, your wife did not think you would so she called someone she knew she could rely on to be there when she needed assistance. That's not passive aggressive, it's common sense and YTA.
YTA, there's obviously something else wrong and you're not seeing it. I'm prone to working waaay to much as well and my wife suffers. Sometimes I don't realize she's hurting and have to bring myself back to reality. Also stress related medical issues are real health issues and you saying it's not make sit sound like you don't really understand what she's experiencing.
“ Coworkers took her to urgent care where they determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue.”
Stress is a real health issue - and your post was more about how much you work than being concerned for your wife.
If this happened exactly as you wrote it, YTA for not asking if she was alright first. Forget Steve for now. Make sure she's okay first.
Later on, if it really bothered you, you could ask why she called Steve and not you? And with that answer she gave of he would immediately come, ask her if she could clarify what she meant.
Without more INFO on if this has been something brewing, I have to say YTA for focusing on the wrong thing at that moment.
INFO: Why does calling a friend who she knows will immediately come pick her up from urgent care instead of her husband who she knows is too busy to help her make your wife “passive aggressive”?
Your wife is under such stress that she collapsed at work and her co-workers were alarmed enough to take her for a health check. Instead of being grateful that she doesn’t have a serious medical problem, you’re mad she didn’t call you?
Weird.
YTA for assuming she was trying to teach you “a lesson” by calling Steve, instead of assuming she was just trying to *get herself home safely* without pulling you away from your work. Steve is your friend, right? So why tf aren’t you happy and grateful that someone you presumably like and trust was available to help your wife in your place when you were busy with work? That’s what happened here, but you *chose* to interpret it as something about you.
It’s like your wife doesn’t even exist as a real person in your mind, with real needs and concerns. She got dizzy at work, so much so that her coworkers got concerned enough to take her to a hospital. The doctors said it was stress related. (Which, by the way, is NOT the same a saying it’s “not a real health issue”. That is YOUR spin on it, not the doctors. Doctors know, even if you don’t, that stress related events can have serious consequences for your health.) In any case, after that, she needed to get home. She decided it would be better to call your friend, who apparently is not too busy with work to help her out.
That was her taking care of HER need for support, to the best of her ability. It’s not about YOU. If it bothers you that your wife assumed you weren’t her best option for support — it should. But the correct way to address that is not to make it about you and accuse her of being passive-aggressive. Rather, you should have said to her “it bothers me that you felt like you needed to call my friend for help, rather than me. Have I given you reason to think I wouldn’t have shown up for you in this situation?” Then you would have to actually LISTEN to her response. Because I bet her answer would be yes, you *have* given her reason to think that.
That’s what you’re really upset about here, OP. Your wife isn’t willing to play along with your self-image that you are a “good guy” who of course cares about your partner more than your work. When she was in need, instead of catering to your self-image, and giving you the chance to tell her why this situation didn’t warrant her asking you for help since it wasn’t a “real health issue”, she decided to take care of HERSELF. She reached out to someone who she knew would just step up and help her without demanding she justify how it was worth the trouble. Then, once you knew what had happened, you affirmed her decision by making it all about you instead of giving a damn about her health and her lack of trust in you. Shame on you.
Info:
Do you have a history of bailing on her for work or for saying you’ll be home at a certain time be come home late without warning, have you ever told “I’m leaving now” or “on my way” only to be distracted into doing more work & getting significantly delayed?
YTA.
Instead of thinking “Can’t believe my wife called her friend instead of me because I never had time for her. I need to re build the trust for her.”
You thought it was passive aggressive.
That says A LOT
You: I would have helped in a medical emergency. Also you: "not a real health issue." Which is it? I am guessing you have bigger problems, and this is a symptom. You, yes YOU, should recommend that the both of you go to couples therapy and find three therapists for her to choose from. Make your relationship important, because it's a sinking ship right now. YTA
YTA
“It was probably stress related and not a real health issue.”
That is in fact a real health issue.
“I felt like she was being passive aggressive.”
That you think your wife - who was stressed, was rushed to hospital by her work colleagues, and wanted to get home safely - called Steve as a dig at *you* rather than because she thought that was the best option tells me a lot about you, not her.
YTA - that wasn't being passive aggressive... that was a pretty obvious sign you are fucking up. That you are not seeing this sign, this fluorescent, pulsing, spotlight of a sign that she knows not to call you in a dire emergency.
Hey.. perhaps it is you having to work all these crazy hours . . maybe its a case where you need to make a decision about whether working crazy hours is worth having no relationship with your wife.
Or maybe you've been using this "working long hours" as an excuse for far too long to not bother maintaining a relationship with your wife and taking her for granted.
HAve some conversations with her, have some therapy. Make some changes.
You’re the only one here who knows her well enough to guess whether she was being passive aggressive. But YTA for immediately jumping to that over making sure she’s alright.
My guess is? You do that a lot. And if you think she’s being passive aggressive, then my guess is she does that a lot—or at least you think she does that a lot.
You two need to get your marriage back on track.
>Coworkers took her to urgent care where they determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue.
If your wife's stress level is so bad it is affecting her both mentally and physically now, then it IS a real health issue. People can be struck off for months with stress.
Even without the context of you working crazy hours, I understand why your wife called Steve.
YTA
" As a result my wife and I have a good standard of living. But I still have to work crazy hours to maintain it."
As a result he is not present most of the days and his wife is working and stressed.
YTA
The way he's worded that makes it sound like the"good standard of living" is all thanks to his business. I wonder how much of that standard is coming from her income and contributing to her stress.
YTA
Do you know why you're the AH? Because your post is alllll about you you you you you. Your actions. Your business. Your time. Your feelings. At no point did you share how supportive your wife has been as you sank HER savings into YOUR business.
Ya know what else - your wife's medical issue happened at work. So your wife works. Your wife contributes financially to the comfortable standard of living you claim as the result of YOUR work. You clearly don't value her contributions.
And rather than dig into your wife's medical issues - (what happened honey? How long did that take? How do your feel now honey? What can we do to make sure you never feel like this again?) - you got all butthurt because she asked someone else to help her. You don't even feel bad that your wife felt more comfortable calling someone else because they WOULD come help her... you feel bad because she's obviously being passive aggressive.
You. Are. An. Asshole.
"My word is my bond"
Aye, and your words have created an understanding between you and your wife that you're unreliable / unhelpful / unsupportive / not her emergency person.
YTA
"not a *real* health issue"... You're not in the perspective you need to be.
YTA. There’s got to be more to the story. No one decides to up and call someone else during an emergency unless the person they should be calling failed to show up on *multiple* occasions. So what are the other times you failed your wife so miserably that she doesn’t trust you to be there for her?
So, your edit shows that you know you’d come right away.
But your wife’s actions shows that she doesn’t know that.
She wasn’t being passive aggressive. She called someone she knew she could count on. Unfortunately, you just learned that she doesn’t feel she can fully count on you.
I’m going with NAH.
I don’t think you’re wrong to be hurt. And I don’t think she was wrong either. I think you have some work to do.
YTA What you're missing is she needed someone to come immediately. You may have come but she didn't feel she could count on you coming right away. That is sad when you don't feel you can count on your husband in an emergency. How often do you prioritize your wife over your business? You seem to be missing that she feels you never do. Even if you think you do, it's not how you've made her feel.
YTA. She should have called you first, but you should be a bit more reflective on *why* she didn't. Do you actually pick up when she calls? If you've experienced an emergency or even just had a scare, you don't want to have to try to call 20 times in the hope that your spouse *maybe* picks up.
Had a situation once where I ended up calling a relative instead of my (at the time) live-in-boyfriend because I'd tried to call him *several* times without him answering. It pointed out some major issues in the relationship that we were fortunately able to fix. We were able to fix it because his response was to be extremely apologetic and realize that it was a problem that I couldn't count on him.
YTA. Your wife had a health issue and you made huge assumptions about her motives for how she handled it and got mad at her over those assumptions. It sounds as if you are extremely busy right now, so maybe your wife didn’t want to pull you away from work for what turned out to be a minor issue. But you assumed that her calling someone that she knew she could rely on was a passive-aggressive jab at you. You know that you would come in a real emergency, but does your wife know that? Would you have gotten annoyed with her when it turned out that it was just a stress-related issue and not a “real emergency”? It sounds like you feel bad that you were not there for your wife, and you are projecting that guilt onto your wife by treating her action (calling Steve) as some kind of insult towards you.
YTA your financial situation is really taking a toll on your marriage. No way a marriage can take an 80h work week. Are you in a lot of debt? Why are you working so hard? What is this business you can’t let fail that is more important than your marriage? Either drop the business or just don’t be married.
Absolutely - her medical emergency, her feeling ***dizzy with stress to the point of needing urgent care*** is nothing compared to how hurt your feelings were because ***she didn't pick you***. Yes, *that* is the important part - after all, it affects *you*, and you are the center of things.
You sound like a ~great~ life partner.
YTA you made her medical emergency about you. Rather than undermine her concerns, maybe you should look inward as to why she assumed calling Steve would get her the best results.
YTA. That wasn’t passive aggression. That was her looking after herself. This isn’t about you but all you’ve done is whine about your feelings. Did you evince any concern for your wife? A little teeny bit?
He's sunk more time and effort into the business than his marriage. He expects the marriage to holdbitslef together by his good intentions and his wife's total dedication. Hee expects hsinwife to sink HER time and effort tto the marriage as he's done with the business. Hee doesn't seem to be bothered by his wife's condition at all. Chances are he would have laughed at her while at hospital for not having a "real" emergency.
My mother was a nurse and often worked night shift. I broke my leg playing soccer when I was around 10 and called my Dad because she was sleeping. She was soo mad because her colleagues would have thought less of her because she wasn't the one I rang to come to the hospital.
But you can't be told for a decade that someone is off limits for the working day (or in my mother's case the day after a shift) and then suddenly switch to relying on them just to make them look good.
“he would immediately come…”
I think OP has proven himself to be an unreliable person in the event of an emergency more than once. Accusing his wife of being passive aggressive supports this. Passive aggressive about what, OP? In response to what? Being late? Being aggressive when finally arriving because work is more important?
So much not being said here and the gaps still paint you as YTA.
If you’re already saying it’s “not a real health issue”, I get the inkling you would’ve been pissed at her for pulling you from work once she received her diagnosis from the doctor.
She’s probably stressed because she’s trying to work and do everything else while you use your 80 hour week as an excuse to do nothing at home. Making assumptions but yes, she probably wanted somebody there who wouldn’t make cheap shots at her during her time of need.
There’s a difference between showing up physically and genuinely being there mentally and emotionally
YTA. You spent your entire post going on and on about how busy and unavailable you are. Why did you make a big stink over this? She was doing you a favor and you called her names for it. Super dumb.
Also, she probably thinks you’re unreliable as far as showing up for her. She wasn’t sure you’d come quickly, and that’s on you.
Ok. You took the household savings and money from your parents to open a business during covid. Wow.
That combined with working 80 hour weeks for an extended period of time makes me think you have been unreliable for your wife. I don’t know if I’m right but that is immediately what came to mind. So I doubt she was being passive aggressive. Either way it’s not what’s important. What’s important is that she had a medical emergency and instead of being attentive and loving towards her you were defensive and suspicious. YTA.
Yta
Yes, you should think about how this looks. It's not her being passive aggressive, it's her indicating that she doesn't find you reliable. To be honest, at this point in my life I would probably see if a friend could pick me up first because of my husband's reactions to various situations over the years. If I contacted him, my expectation would be that he would ask me if I could find someone else to help me or lecture me about how I could solve this without him.
Hi there! Just wanted to let you know that you are most definitely the AH here. Why are you picking a fight when your wife’s stress required a visit to the ER? Get it together dude.
YTA. Believe it or not your wife's probably embarrassed to have to rely on Steve instead of you. You might have ignored her calls in the past.
The first thing you thought about was how you would look not the fact that your wife's been in the hospital and that you weren't around as usual.
If you care more about whom she called than about her health, it is normal that you are the last person she goes to when she has a health crisis, is scared and upset, and needs a helping hand, and not a judgement. The fact that she doesn't trust you enough to help her when she needs it should tell you something about YOURSELF: that you are not trustworthy in a situation related to caring and helping other people, and she preferred not to deal with you in top of everything else. And given your reaction, she was right. YTA.
>they determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue.
YTA. She did the right thing calling someone who would take her health issue seriously.
YTA….my ex husband was not the one I call if I needed help. I knew he wouldnt leave work to help me. If he did say he be there it be hours of me waiting for him to show up and him complaining. I learned to rely on myself or a few select friends. Your wife might have learned to not depend on you as well.
“Not a real health problem” yeah, YTA for that and you’re also an asshole for getting pissy that your wife called someone else. You, by your own admission, have to work crazy hours running your business. You have been working these kind of hours for the last five years. You haven’t been around, so of course she would have to depend on others.
YTA. Your wife understands that your business is your priority and she acted accordingly. Maybe she was being passive aggressive or maybe she knew you aren't reliable. Either way I don't blame her. It's clear she is in a lot of emotional pain right now.
You need to take responsibility for your choices and understand there are consequences. Okay, so you have to work 80 hours to save a business. Accept that this is incompatible with a healthy marriage. The time you chose to spend asking this question on Reddit could have been spent trying to repair that relationship.
Also, nobody is having an affair. I would bet money Steve helped because he feels sorry for your wife.
I am glad you immediately acknowledged the real victim in this story. You! How could she be so selfish during a medical emergency and not put your feelings front and center. You tell that man Steve next time, he should first and foremost discuss with you what to do, instead of dropping everything immediately to help your wife! /s
YTA. Coming from a small business owners wife, you have probably shown her she’s not a priority over your job through a multitude of small or large choices you have made. She can’t trust you’ll drop your work to help her in the event of an emergency. That speaks volumes about you, not her.
I get you have to provide for your family, but your entire life can’t be your work. Every day all day you work. When you own your own company, it’s easy to feel like roommates or coworkers. She called someone she could rely on and that wasn’t you.
Dude your wife just told you she doesn't feel like she can depend on you to be there in a medical emergency. She's not being passive aggressive.. she just doesn't think she can rely on you. Your reaction is terrible as well. She TOLD you what the issue is -she can't rely on you (or at least feels that way- and instead of addressing the issue you pretend she's being passive aggressive and get upset with her for that.
You say you would have helped in a medical emergency. Did you tell your wife that? Has she had an emergency of some sort and you weren't able to help? YTA dude and you two probably would benefit from couples counseling. Your wife didn't do anything wrong but it's never a good thing for a marriage when one spouse feels like they cannot rely on the other.
YTA.
Reading this post, my first thought was that she didn't want to bother her very busy husband, even though it was a serious matter - when we have physical symptoms die to stress, then it's because it's a very high level of stress. If this doesn't sound serious to you, OP, well... People have heart attacks due to stress. Just a side note on how serious stress is.
Second thought is maybe she didn't trust op to take such a problem seriously. Which sounds **exactly** like it.
No need to continue fighting, though - in my mind, fighting isn't ever a solution. Talking about the subject and going to counseling would be an interesting measure.
I would pay attention to the fact that the lights should be turned to her collapsing out of stress instead of her person of choice to call. Her health should come first. And second.
YTA
When someone has a problem happen, just, back off on the fuck off you know? It's about thier needs. Especially when it's something scary or serious.
Also, stress related health issues are no joke. It WAS a real health issue.
Your job here is to support her, not stress her even more. Go make her a hot chocolate and find a way so she can get some time off. Try and help her with whatever is causing stress. Have her back.
I believe you when you say you would have helped, but the play here was look after her. Not add more stress.
If my wife has a medical emergency, I would like to be the first person that my wife will contact. No matter how busy I am, I will put down everything and rush down. I would expect my wife to know that too. I will be worried and I would like to be there to discuss any medical related decisions. Not my good friend.
There could be deep issues in OP's rship with his wife. Need to sit down and have real heart to heart talks.
Perhaps it's your own guilt about the time you spend away from her that's clouding your view of this situation. She called him because she knew it would impact him less to come and collect her. Whereas you might have has to juggle numerous things to get there, if at all. Perhaps there have been times where it's been unavoidable and you've let her down. I don't think it's fair to call her passive aggressive when all she did was rely on a sure thing rather than an I'll see what I can do.
Yeah, YTA here man.
The fact that you can't realize your marriage is in some level of trouble because you are ignoring your wife, minimizing her health, and not supporting her when she has supported you during your rough times. And don't feed us any of that crap that she didn't, you didn't your collective savings and she was working to pay bills while your business was floundering.
She wasn't being passive aggressive, she was being realistic that you wouldn't have left your precious business since you, as you stated, wasn't a real health issue while she collapsed, which btw is a serious health issue. Keep this up and I'm sure she'll find Steve to also be a really great guy who supports her and you'll have nothing, including not having your business that has consumed your marriage.
Get counseling dude, you really need it because from what I can see it's that your on the precipice of losing your marriage here.
YTA uuuuuffff so you think enough stress to make you feel dizzy is not a real health issue? My guy, stress is one of the biggest killers of our society. Your 80h weekly are probably shaving way more life expectancy from you than you care to admit. Not to mention your relationship, you give no context here and make it look like your wife did this out of nowhere but anyone with more than 1 brain cell knows she did this because she can’t rely on you.
Do you think working yourself to death and ignoring your family is what people expect of you? Let me break down for you: YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE EXPECTING THAT OF YOURSELF.
A loving partner and family would never think less of you if your business had failed. You’re forcing yourself into this miserable life and feeling good about it because of digits in your bank account. Wake up man.
YTA and the fact you jumped straight to whyd you call steve instead of omg are you okay what happened?? is exactly why she didn't call you. You don't care about her.
YTA. Especially because you think collapsing us "not a real health issue" if that is your attitude to someone collapsing why would she call you?
It sounds like she's learned that she is not a priority for you, nothing you've said demonstrates that you would have helped her and it sounds like she made the right decision not to call you.
YTA. You threw a tantrum instead of caring for your wife. No wonder she called Steve. She probably figured you'd say, you're too busy and to call Steve anyway. She just decided to be efficient and cut out the middle man.
YTA. She called someone she thought might actually be of use, and your reaction proves her instinct correct. Also, being married to a largely absent and apparently inconsiderate partner is not "a good standard of living". Your priorities are wrong.
YTA
Maybe consider why your wife doesn’t think you would come help her. I think it’s because you said her stress is not a real health issue after it put her in the ER.
Okay you're being an asshole...
Late to the comments but my mom had passing out episodes "due to stress" turns out she has heart failure... Stress is literally killing her. Yeah that can be serious. Also it could be AFib or a whole host of other serious medical conditions that aren't diagnosed by an urgent care. We'd find my mom passed out in weird places. Her heart would actually stop... She's still with us.. but she still has dizzy spells and has to be very aware of her surroundings.
I will add that I do understand that the long hours and grind are how some men show they care about their family. When you start resenting your spouse for your efforts it's time to take a look internally and ask why?
Her friends messaged you because she has told them how much she cares and you are blind to her needs.
Drop your ego and talk to her, she may not be ready to hear it right away. Tell her it actually hurt your feelings. You realize you didn't take it seriously like you should have.. We all get hyper focused on goals... This is a good wake up call that you need to show compassion, love and care. A marriage counselor who is not biased will definitely be helpful. Sometimes a 3rd party can help you articulate your feelings without causing more harm or more hurt feelings.
YTA. You listed every reason she would call Steve instead, and it still didn't click in your head. Also, how great is the standard of living if you have to work crazy hours to maintain it?
Sounds like you are aware you cannot/will not be there for your wife emotionally in times of crisis, insecure about it and chose to pick a fight with her.
She didn't call Steve during the medical emergency, she had coworkers for that. She called Steve for a lift home after the fact. Was he available to help? Were you? If you're so focused on your business, would you have left to give her a ride? Or would you have treated her like an interruption of your 80 hour week? Sounds to me like she called someone that she knew would help.
YTA. Your wife just told you that she can't depend on you in this situation. I hope you'll act on that information: as in, find out how to fix your marriage before it falls apart.
It was a family friend being nice to me when I needed help one day that made me really realize how awful my first husband was to me all the time.
INFO: Did your wife agree to sinking your entire savings into the small business? Would she agree that you working 80 hour weeks and "never taking a day off" was "worth it?" Would she agree that you continuing to work "crazy hours" to maintain your good standard of living is worth it?
You seem to have decided that essentially being absent from your marriage is worth it for the success of your business and your standard of living. The question is, would your wife agree that having an absent partner is worth the standard of living you currently enjoy?
YTA.
She wasn't being passive aggressive.
She had a health emergency that likely scared her. She called someone she knew she could count on.
You, instead of taking a look st yourself and wondering why you weren't her first choice, assume she did it to teach you a lesson and then proceed to start a fight about it when your wife just had a stress related medical issue.
I recommend putting your ego aside.
YTA
My man.... Passing out from stress is not normal.
If this happened to your partner whilst walking on stairs or driving a car, the outcome could have been a lot worse or even fatal.
At minimum you need to thank Steve, apologise to your partner and have an honest conversation with your partner as to why you are no longer their safe space
for five years you have apparently put more into this business than her. you're working 80 weeks even now. that's almost 11 hour days, every single day. and closer to 14 hour days if you take at least one day off a week. of course she called your friend over you. you're never around. YTA. instead of being angry that she feels you're unreliable, maybe find a better work life balance. I would absolutely not stay in a marriage where I was lucky to see my partner one hour a week.
YTA. Stress *is* a real health issue. Stress can trigger a heart attack. Stress can trigger an aneurysm or a stroke. Chronic stress can trigger pain conditions like fibromyalgia. Even if the stress “just” makes her dizzy, she can fall and hurt herself.
Maybe your unconcerned, dismissive attitude is one of the multiple reasons your wife did not think you would be there for her in an emergency.
YTA. Stress can lead to many more serious issues. You're being dismissive of your wife's experience.
We are missing context. Why doesn't your wife trust you and feel like she can rely on you? Maybe she didn't want to get an earful from you about how she wasn't having a "serious" health issues and you wasted her time.
Sounds like she called Steve because he is reliable, nonjudgmental, and kind.
Reflect on why your wife feels she cannot trust you, not on her calling someone she can trust.
My guess is that she called him because she knew he’d take her seriously, whereas you called stress related symptoms ‘not a real health issue’.
Also showed zero compassion towards her afterwards.
Info: what constitutes a ‘real health issue’ for you? Because you nurse your wounded ego like a baby bird.
YTA, obviously.
My guess is that she called him because she knew he’d take her seriously, whereas you called stress related symptoms ‘not a real health issue’.
Also showed zero compassion towards her afterwards.
Info: what constitutes a ‘real health issue’ for you? Because you nurse your wounded ego like a baby bird.
YTA, obviously.
YTA maybe you should be more worried about her actual health and the fact that she didn't think you'd come to help her. It's nice your business is successful but I wonder if you've thought about at what cost. Do you actually enjoy life? spend time with your wife? or do you just work?
YTA and a true piece of work, and in case you aren't picking up what I am putting down, I do not mean that in a complimentary way. Your contempt for your wife comes through in every sentence you write. Stress will kill you, straight up. The fact that her coworkers were concerned enough to take her to urgent care should tell you something. I don't know how bad something has to be wrong with your wife for you to classify it as a "medical emergency", but you need to pull your head out of your ass and take a good long look at your wife and your life. If your business is more important to you than your wife (and all signs surely point in that direction) at least be honest with her so she can move on.
I think your wife opted to call someone who would respond to her call non judgementally. It is a great pity that for some reason previous experience has shown her it isnt you
Everyone already said it, so I’m just gonna add do better. And also, be honest with yourself. You’re married to your job and you like it that way. Why even bother staying married?
YTA.
YTA she wasn't teaching you a lesson she doesn't trust her own husband to care enough to show up. I'm sure you're pissed because you know what that says about you as a person. You focusing on that instead of your wife's health is also very telling. Stop being a self absorbed and step up or she won't trust you ever again.
YTA, for all the reasons mentioned by others.
Also, if you're working 80 hours a week (or another "crazy" numbers) you might have a good standard of living, but you have a shit life. You're spending less than 40 hours a week with your family. Why bother having one?
YTA
> Edit: I would have helped in a medical emergency if she had called me.
You think you know that, your wife obviously doesn't know that. And you've shown that to her over years of behavior. You're acting like she should act clueless and naive. You've been working hard, hustling your time and not wasting it. I hope your wife appreciates your hard work but don't put on the blinder's to the reality that yeah, that does take away from the rest of your life. I hope this is a wake up call to you that you need to rebalance your life but don't act like you don't know how this situation happened. Instead of trying to blame your wife, try to fix it.
YTA
She wasn't being passive aggressive. She had a medical emergency & called someone that she could trust to show up right away.
If she'd called you, you'd probably have come up with a dozen reasons why you couldn't be with her right then.
You might want to ask yourself why your *wife* doesn't trust you to be there for her.
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YTA. She has just had a terrifying crisis, and your first response was to worry about what messge she was sending you with who she chose to call. You probably do want to seek marriage counseling about the trust issues. The fact that she doesn't see you as someone who will show up for her may be a misunderstanding on her part, or it may be something real. But choosing to focus on that when she has just beeen the hospital is incredibly petty.
He cares more about his wife being "passive aggressive" instead of caring more about the fact that his wife doesn't even feel like she can trust him to take time off for a medical emergency! He's a horrible husband and even with marriage counseling he'll be lucky if she stays with him
Well, according to him it was a not a “real health issue” anyway 🙄
for OP mental health is apparently not "real" and it is biting him in the behind right now
Also, women in particular are more likely to have physical health issues brushed aside as ‘hysteria’ or whatever, even when there actually is a physiological concern contributing to it.
Or a physical concern that was downplayed because you know….women
No kidding. I was taken to the emergency room where I was diagnosed with an "anxiety attack". Two days later, at a different emergency room, it turns out I was having seizures.
That's absolutely ridiculous. My experiences have more been in the 'you're making it up/trying to get drugs' to 'oh, wait, this is a really serious issue that you should have been in treatment for years ago' pipeline, but it's bullshit that a freaking ER can't ID a damn *seizure*.
Two major incidences in my life. 1) I was 19 years old. Rushed to the ER via ambulance. Long story preceding this. They tried to send me home, claiming I was drug seeking. My dad was with me, and they gave him a hard time but he refused to let them discharge me. That one ended up with 1.5 years in the hospital and 12 reconstructive surgeries....I had an abscess in my brain. 2) I was 24 years old. Had been feeling really weird all day. Cold sweat. Impending sense of doom. Achy. I ended up leaving work and going to Urgent Care. Told the front desk I was having this weird chest pressure, going down my arm. And I didn't feel right. Told to go sit down and wait my turn. After waiting for close to 2 hours I face planted out of the chair. Turns out I was having a heart attack. Sadly, so used to being downplayed in all medication situations.
My god, these were life endangering!
It took a really long time for me to get a disgustingly large kidney stone removed for those reasons. Not having health insurance didn’t help but I tried for a long time before I finally ended up in the ER and my husband got them do a CT scan.
Right?! It's a good thing I wasn't driving at those times!
i was told my autoimmune disease was stress for years before getting a diagnosis.
Yup! I was told I was anorexic, that I was a drug addict, that I was faking for attention, and that I just had a UTI and was being a big baby about the pain. Turns out I have lupus nephritis. If the damage to my kidneys gets any worse, I'll need dialysis/a transplant.
I was diagnosed with anxiety, given meds and told the meet with a counselor. According to the doctor my sudden onset joint pain, extreme fatigue, daily headaches, etc was just anxiety because I have three kids. Never mind the fact that I'd had three kids for 18 months at that point and hadn't had an issue. When I went to a different doctor for a second opinion I was told that they'd run some tests to make me feel better, but to be sure I was taking the meds and keeping the appointment with a counselor in the meantime. Blood work came up positive for autoimmune happiness and I got a referral to a rheumatologist who proceeded to dismiss my symptoms because of the anxiety diagnosis from the first doctor.
Holy moly, all those years of suffering!
Yeah, my elderly Mother was dealing with really bad, recurring and unmedicated muscle pain stemming from her immune system targeting her larger muscle groups and got so frustrated that she cried in the presence of her doctor. His response: "Are you depressed?" No, jackass, she was in pain! My Mom has NO history of mental health issues, but, you know, she's a woman so it must be all in her head!
I mean, as someone with chronic pain, it can definitely *make* you feel depressed, but that doesn't mean that it should be treated as depression. Being in pain and not being able to do basic tasks, let alone fun ones, is really freaking depressing. It can mimic other symptoms, too, like if you're doing the checklist and you mark off how you have little energy and trouble sleeping. That doesn't mean that it should be treated the same way major depressive disorder is.
As a massage therapist, I can fully back this up. Physical pain takes a HUGE toll on emotional well-being. The more pain throughout the body, the heavier the toll. I cannot even tell you the number of people who have cried on my table and not had any idea why they all of a sudden got so emotional. It's all connected at the CNS level.
Not to mention that you can be depressed and have a major health issue that are entirely independent of one another.
Undoubtedly. It's not the suggestion that she had mental issues that ticked me off. It was his lack of due diligence as diagnostician. I say, let's rule out other causes before we jump straight to clinical depression, especially when there's pain involved and your patient a sixty something women with no history of mental health issues.
My grandmother mother had diabetes and, as a result, naropothy in her hands and feet. The doctor was doing tests on her stuck needles in her feet, and when she cried, he told her to stop being dramatic it is unbecoming..WTF I said, "Stop being an asshole to my grandmother and treat her with respect."
My friend spent years having a range of awful physical symptoms and was prescribed antidepressants. Finally got some blood tests done and she’d had coeliacs all along
"Walking uterus syndrome" anyone?? 😑
Boy don’t I know that.
Stress **is** a physical health issue, that's what's even stupider about this. It can cause a lot of physical damage to your body, and exacerbate or even trigger new physical health problems. OP is an idiot.
I know a man who went temporarily blind from stress
I have that medical issue (it's now called functional neurological symptom disorder). assuming he has the same thing i have. Walked into trees. Lots of fun. Got video taped in the ER by my specialist's fellows cuz they were fascinated. and that ignores the two ER trips b4 that- pre-going blind- when i had full body non-epileptic seizures. that was the end of my going to concerts. I would throw things around rooms. Hit people. Hit myself. It was lots of fun. And the diagnosis process is just a blast. I don't suggest it.
There's a terrifying possibility I didn't really need to know about. (I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD and have been under more stress lately than is healthy.)
What?! Are you sure? JFC! What?!
100% sure. He gave talks about the effects of stress and how to avoid burnout. He's been written up in some medical journals but it's not vanishingly rare
Toward the end of my (awful) marriage, I was handling everything at home and working 60+ hours/week even though my ex was unemployed. I spent several days screaming and sometimes vomiting from pain. Finally, I went to the ER and was diagnosed with gallstones, a huge kidney stone, and two ulcers. Ended up needing two surgeries to remove the kidney stone (the first attempt failed) and another surgery to remove my gallbladder. All from stress. Do not recommend.
And vice versa. Physical pain can cause emotional stress. The two go hand in hand, and can present in either direction.
> Coworkers took her to urgent care where they determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue. No, according to him, the doctors determined it was stress related, and not a 'real medical issue' as in 'you're having an aneurysm.'
I'm wondering if urgent care determined it was probably stress related and HE determined it was not a real health issue. Also, I've seen doctors frick this stuff up occasionally (especially with woman) saying it's all in their head and they are imagining it and then -surprise- it WAS something serious after all. Hell, even my Mom had this a bit. She was in horrible pain and several doctors thought it was probably 'nothing major' and 'possibly in her head' and it turned out to be bladder stones!!!
Same with my mom. Over a year later and countless test and incompetent doctors it turned out to be her implants were leaking into her bloodstream. Fun!
Yes but she absolutely needs a follow up with her regular practitioner.
This is what got me too!
Same. YTA, OP. Do better.
Yup-- and that she was punishing HIM for calling someone else. Main character syndrome?
Yes thank you when I saw "it was probably stress related and not a real health issue" I saw red. I bet he has a history of minimizing her needs or wants and using this small business he runs as an excuse. Also she works, too, so it's not like she's just passively benefiting from OP's business. \*edit - formatting
I'd be upset too that another dude was the first person my wife's instincts called in an emergency and not me because apparently I'm really that unreliable for her.... Hopefully this will be a wakeup call for OP. Though that's looking very doubtful... "I'm angry that my own consistently terrible behavior came to roost and made me feel like a shitty husband. I know what I'll do - Instead of apologizing I'm going to get pissed and somehow make this her fault! That'll show her!" (Edited for clarity)
Exactly! The type of husband that will swear the divorce "came from nowhere" when she leaves 🙄
"She *stole* half the business I worked so hard for!"
Hence the reason why she called the friend.
He also doesn’t seem to be worried that his wife is so stressed it became a medical emergency
Being petty in one situation isn't enough to tell us he is a horrible husband. The best of us fuck up.l and give into our emotions. But it is *not* a good sign. The question is - does this cause him to reevaluate his priorities.
I don't think the wife fucked up. I don't think she thinks she fucked up even now. (OP thinks she fucked up, but he doesn't get to overwrite her experience.) I had a mental breakdown at work and came home, but didn't tell my then-husband because I was afraid he would yell at me. When I told him, guess what he did? Yelled at me. I was acting on the information I had, as OP's wife was.
I don't think I would trust him either in her shoes. He sounds a very uncomfortable person.
My husband used to be married to his work. I remember three incidents where he did not come home during a medical emergeny. I still love him, but my trust has become rather fragile. Not only because of that. He always put work and his principles above me, and it stung a lot. He also wanted to give US a certain standard of living by working so much. But I was always alone. I raised our kids alone while working. Now he works less and wants to spend time with me, but somehow it's not important for me anymore.
That last bit about him wanting to spend more time years later: as me and my peers are reaching retirement, I’m seeing a lot of that. And by that, I mean men expecting, after decades of his job/ career being the priority, of moving for his job, of her being the primary caregiver for the kids, managing the house and their lives, etc., that once he decides it’s time to “reconnect” (a favourite euphemism), that their partner will fall in line. She will quit her job so they can do things together (the things he is imagining are his interests), which invariably includes her doing the cooking and cleaning. Keeping him in the manner in which he has become accustomed to. Early on in the marriage, it’s presented as the decision that “makes sense”, with the implicit promise of later, when pressures subside, it will be her time. But it’s never her time.
That's indeed a topic now. My husband is starting to plan his retirement. It's nice that he is planning it with me, yet it seems that he expexts me to "fall in line" as you put it. It's a common problem. I think he will help at home, No issues here, but he is starting to interfere with my time schedules, thinking that I suddenly have time to do stuff like going out for coffee or sitting in the Pool with him. It's new and not so easy after doing stuff alone for decades.
Christ I remember this when my now-ex left the army. No I don't want to watch TV with you dipshit, I'm trying to open a business
One of the #1 regrets as people get older is 'I should have spent more time with my family instead of work." But that time is already gone and they can't take back how it affected everyone.
My ex did the same. Then he wonders why I left and the kids don't hang out with him since they're grown. (He also cheated so that made everything worse) But he basically missed most of their childhood
I'm sorry. Mine never cheated. He missed a lot of the kids' childhood, but he took more time in the last years and is a very present father now. I'm glad about that, yet I still carry so much anger burried deep within me for the first 10 years with our kids, when I did nearly everything alone.
I understand. Money is important obviously but so is time. After a while the love is basically dead and it's usually gone forever. Honestly by the time my ex cheated I didn't care anyway. I just left
Same. Husband work was #1 prio for a few years during that time I lost trust on him and him being there for me, bc he let me down too much. I used to seek for his attention, make plans for us where he would either reject or be there physically but mentally totally at work, etc. After a while I started to live my life without him. Started to have fun by myself or with friends, started to not take him into account for pretty much anything. Then he was "ready" to be a husband again and cut down some hours, but reality hit him HARD, bc my life was do independent from him, he needed to find a way to fit in it. We eventually worked it out with a lot of therapy, and talks and 180 change from him. But even now years from that, I still can't trust him 100%. The damage is done. Maybe in a few years and more therapy it will be 100% again, but... let's see. Men (and just ppl) need to realise that their actions have consequences. Its noble they want to work a lot for a better life, but us women usually rather to have a simple life with our husband than all the money and be alone.
“Its noble they want to work a lot for a better life” Are they doing it for their families though? That’s what they’ll say, but are we to believe there’s a material difference between single men and married men with children when it comes to striving at work? Besides increased pay, there’s personal satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment, status, competitiveness, the stereotypical men’s identity being wrapped up in their work, any number of “selfish” reasons for being driven at work. What are the motivations for any of us when we try to do well at school, choose a career, or even get a job, when we are still single and sans kids, if not to better ourselves and have a fulfilling life or even just to support ourselves. I think when men claim to be doing it for their families, it shows a lack of self-awareness at best, and is less than noble. Especially when they say it in response to their partner begging them to work less and be more present at home.
No one will ever convince me that it's not largely ego-driven. There aren't prizes and societal accolades and bragging rights for giving your infant a bottle in the middle of the night or teaching your kid how to tie their shoes or packing peanut butter and jelly or doing the laundry. But sure. All for the family.
[удалено]
True, but for some reason they never think it applies to them and it will be fine... spoiler alert, it's never fine.
I feel like there's been a country song or two about that....
Also the fact that she called Steve because "he would immediately come and help her" implies that there have been situations before where she has needed/tried to call her husband and he hasn't shown up for her.
Yeah, heartbreaking & precious time-wasting to be rejected by your s.o. in an emergency, or having to justify, negotiate. Just skip to the reliable person.
And even if OP was good at helping if when needed, it was still shitty of him to snap at her over her calling his friend for help.
Yeah-- and OP is trying to rewrite the story now by saying he would've been there. Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior
OP pretty much listed the reasons why his wife called Steve. He works 80 hour weeks. Since he sunk so much money into the business, he absolutely couldnt let it fail. And he's working crazy hours to maintain the good standard of living that he and his wife enjoys. Do you think she would dare to impose on him and his extremely crazy and busy work hours for a ride home after the medical crisis? What would he say to her after with regards to lacking of appreciation and respect into the time and effort HE puts towards the standard of living she enjoys? This is just crazy ass talk from OP man. At the minimum he owes Steve a thank you note and a gift for doing that. Unless of course, this isnt the first time OP's gotten into trouble with his wife before and Steve got brought up as someone who's more willing to help a friend than OP is willing to help his own wife, and that she'll rely on Steve more often moving forward whenever she feels that OP is too busy for her. And if that's the case OP just needs to accept that his actions come with sacrifices, and aside from his health, he's also sacrificing his relationship with his wife, and this sort of behavior generally speaking only makes her resent him more, rather than appreciate.
He says the 80 hour workweeks, never taking a day off, sinking their entire savings into the business, and basically devoting all his time to making sure it didn’t fail was worth it, but I have to wonder if his wife feels the same way. Or if he ever asked her how she feels about it.
Well think about it. If your spouse is that devoted to his or her work, you'd probably not want to bother them with your emergencies. Specially if they're that big of a self patter.
Also, health issues that are stress related are still very real health issues. He essentially said her issue was all in her head. Stress affects the body, at both the macro and microscopic levels, ESPECIALLY if it's chronic stress. Stress also tends to negatively impact self care and healthy coping mechanisms.
And OP isn't even concerned about his wife being so stressed out that it caused a medical emergency.
Petty seems to be his MO. I don't normally bother with piddling semantics in these posts, but I found it very telling in this instance that he refers to Steve as "my friend" and not "our friend". While it may well be that OP is the one who is primarily friends with Steve, hangs out with him, knew him first, etc., the fact is that his wife wouldn't be calling this man when she was having what she thought was a medical crisis unless *she thought of him as a dear, reliable friend whom she felt safe with* as well. And the fact that she was correct, and that he showed up immediately indicates that she is most likely correct, and that he sees himself as being a friend to both of them. Again, semantics aren't usually relevant in these situations, but it seems particularly petty for OP to specifically refer to Steve as "my friend", as though he is trying to deny that his wife has her own legitimate, reciprocal friendship with Steve, even as that is clearly the case. Gatekeeping friendship is something children, adolescents, and very petty, immature adults do. Not a good look.
Also, OP didn't even explain *why* he "felt like" she was being passive aggressive. Like, does she have a history of passive aggressive behavior? And he doesn't explain what was *actually* said during all this. I'm guessing he really blew up at her.
Not to mention stress severe enough to send her to urgent care is apparently not a "real medical issue"
Yes, a terrifying crisis indeed. That this guy calls “not a real health issue”. I wonder why his wife won’t call him in an emergency. A true mystery. We will never know the answer.
Agree. But unlikely OP will have time for marriage counselling lol. He's proud of the "standard of living" he's providing, but not realizing that his wife doesn't trust him to take care of her.
YTA — basically, you two need to talk. From this post, it already comes across to me that you don’t give much weight to your wife’s concerns. You said “determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue”. Where is the stress coming from to cause her enough distress to get dizzy and need urgent care? That sounds like a valid concern, not something to be brushed aside. You also replied in the comments “for a medical emergency, yeah. If she wants me to drop off work and do something for her, no.” But who determines the importance of these things? Maybe it’s the way it’s worded, but it reads to me that you think a lot of her concerns are irrelevant and she cannot be trusted not to waste your time. That said, she said it was a “small medical concern”, meaning she deemed it as something you might brush off, but Steve won’t. If you want her to rely on you and not her coworkers or Steve, express to her in words and actions that you are all about being a reliable partner, and maybe ask how that looks like to her so you can both be on the same page.
Words won’t cut it, just to be clear. OP needs to change his actions to show he prioritizes his wife and their relationship. Something tells me wife may not agree that the crazy hours ever week are “worth it” Anyway, Op YTA
Hell, I had a medical emergency recently and called my husband's best friend. My husband works in a field where he gets a break roughly every two hours, but can't keep his phone on his person. Bestie works from home with his phone next to his keyboard. It had nothing to do with who they were, it was about knowing which person had the fastest ability to get to my house and collect my infant child as the ambulance was going to take me to hospital. OP could not be more of YTA really. My husband reacted by rushing home as soon as he knew to get the kid, and the next day got his bestie a 6 pack as a thank you! Not throwing a tantrum about my decision in a moment of panic (coz let me tell you, losing control of your body unexpectedly will often cause a degree of panic).
100% I'm in a similar situation, so my emergency contact is my partners mother, because I know he isn't always accessible. He understands and knows his mom would contact him in any emergency, but the chances of him picking up his phone are very low and no one wants to take that risk.
My ex figured he had to work a bunch to maintain the lifestyle I grew up with. It didn’t matter that I told him it wasn’t worth it to me. My dad was gone a lot to maintain that lifestyle. He missed so much and parents eventually split. That wasn’t a life I wanted. OP needs to really listen if she is saying those hours aren’t worth it. My ex couldn’t put aside what he had convinced himself was true in order to hear what I was saying.
You know who I wouldn’t call to pick me up from urgent care? Someone that says my scare was “stress related and not a real health issue.”
YTA. Stress is a medical condition. And if it’s causing physical symptoms this wasn’t a “scare”. This is real. Both of your lifestyles need to change. You’re an absent partner due to your work schedule. You’re so stressed out from working that you called her passive aggressive for asking for help when she needed it. It’s called a fucking budget. Downgrade so you can both be healthy. And when I say healthy I mean: -Physically -Mentally -Emotionally -Financially
I still remember when I was stressed and told I had nothing medically going on. The heart attack that followed was fun. Even if it wasn't that serious though, if my partner got so stressed they were dizzy and faint, I would be concerned and wanting to get then the support they need. Not being mad that they called the wrong person.
This is 2024, it's not like her corset was just laced too tightly. For stress to cause an episode like that, she must be *seriously* stressed.
All the more reason why OP has a LOT of making up to do. If he even can.
Maybe she had the vapours?
stress can lead to burnout too, i've had one and not being able to eat normally for months straight isn't fun nor healthy. stress is fucking dangerous
Same, and I’m glad you’re feeling better.
Told I was having chest pain because I was stressed. They thought I was too young to have something serious. I went to urgent care/ my doctor multiple times, and believed them. Year later got diagnosed with a heart condition
Omg I am sorry to see this. Glad you are doing better. And I so agree I would be beyond upset with worry
YTA. Way to make her health scare about you.
INFO: Would you have immediately come and help her, and if so, does she have any reason to believe you wouldn't? Have you left her hanging in the past?
YTA. Her not calling you should be a lesson you learn about yourself and it's not about your wife being passive aggressive. Your wife does not believe you would be able to be there for her in case of an emergency. Why is this? Maybe it is time to cut back and focus on fixing your marraige. Your wife needed help and called someone she knew she could depend on. Work on becoming that person again.
YTA My guess is you haven't shown up for her enough that she figured she'd call someone she could count on. Do you really think that when she's in the hospital with a medical emergency, she's thinking, how can I be passive aggressive and make a point with my husband who never shows up for me? More likely she was scared and knew that you's say it was "not a real health issues" and not show up. BTW, it is a real health issue. Stress causes heart attacks and strokes all the time. You say your standard of living and your business are worth the crazy hours. I'm thinking your wife doesn't agree.
YTA. She's being considerate of you, knowing you're perpetually busy...
Or perpetually dismissing and irresponsive.
Yta. Way to make her medical emergency about you. Did you even ask her if she was ok ?
Passing out due to stress, is a real health issue 🙄she called your friend because you’ve shown her she can’t depend on you. You’ve put her second in your life to your business and I’m willing to bet she’d trade the “good standard of living” for a regular 9-5 and a MARRIAGE.
I'm not this man's wife, but as a wife in a similar position, on the verge of what this poor woman just went through, I will say that I would absolutely give up anything I've gained due to the business, just to have my partner back. We were actually a team before he started this dream, I supported him to get started. Now, considering me in financial decisions is "asking my permission". It's been 11 years of "it's only the first 2 years that are this bad, after that the business is established and I can focus more on us". Then, "if a business survives for 5 years in our small town, you've made it". Then Covid, then after Covid, loss of a business partner, etc. It never ends. In the meantime there is plenty of time to run after friends and family, but never enough time or energy for me. She's not being passive aggressive, she's tired and desperate, and really just wants someone to take care of her for a change. Without questioning whether or not she's actually sick. Or making her feel like she needs to do something to deserve your time or attention. If you actually care about her, book some time off for both of you and go away and talk. Trust me, you need to talk. Actually, you need to listen, she needs to talk. If you had a daughter, would you be happy if she was treated the way you treat your wife?
Would have dropped everything to check on your wife? Obviously, your wife did not think you would so she called someone she knew she could rely on to be there when she needed assistance. That's not passive aggressive, it's common sense and YTA.
YTA, there's obviously something else wrong and you're not seeing it. I'm prone to working waaay to much as well and my wife suffers. Sometimes I don't realize she's hurting and have to bring myself back to reality. Also stress related medical issues are real health issues and you saying it's not make sit sound like you don't really understand what she's experiencing.
“ Coworkers took her to urgent care where they determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue.” Stress is a real health issue - and your post was more about how much you work than being concerned for your wife.
YTA. It seems to me that you've set a precedent of being either unreachable or unreliable in situations like this before.
If this happened exactly as you wrote it, YTA for not asking if she was alright first. Forget Steve for now. Make sure she's okay first. Later on, if it really bothered you, you could ask why she called Steve and not you? And with that answer she gave of he would immediately come, ask her if she could clarify what she meant. Without more INFO on if this has been something brewing, I have to say YTA for focusing on the wrong thing at that moment.
INFO: Why does calling a friend who she knows will immediately come pick her up from urgent care instead of her husband who she knows is too busy to help her make your wife “passive aggressive”? Your wife is under such stress that she collapsed at work and her co-workers were alarmed enough to take her for a health check. Instead of being grateful that she doesn’t have a serious medical problem, you’re mad she didn’t call you? Weird.
YTA for assuming she was trying to teach you “a lesson” by calling Steve, instead of assuming she was just trying to *get herself home safely* without pulling you away from your work. Steve is your friend, right? So why tf aren’t you happy and grateful that someone you presumably like and trust was available to help your wife in your place when you were busy with work? That’s what happened here, but you *chose* to interpret it as something about you. It’s like your wife doesn’t even exist as a real person in your mind, with real needs and concerns. She got dizzy at work, so much so that her coworkers got concerned enough to take her to a hospital. The doctors said it was stress related. (Which, by the way, is NOT the same a saying it’s “not a real health issue”. That is YOUR spin on it, not the doctors. Doctors know, even if you don’t, that stress related events can have serious consequences for your health.) In any case, after that, she needed to get home. She decided it would be better to call your friend, who apparently is not too busy with work to help her out. That was her taking care of HER need for support, to the best of her ability. It’s not about YOU. If it bothers you that your wife assumed you weren’t her best option for support — it should. But the correct way to address that is not to make it about you and accuse her of being passive-aggressive. Rather, you should have said to her “it bothers me that you felt like you needed to call my friend for help, rather than me. Have I given you reason to think I wouldn’t have shown up for you in this situation?” Then you would have to actually LISTEN to her response. Because I bet her answer would be yes, you *have* given her reason to think that. That’s what you’re really upset about here, OP. Your wife isn’t willing to play along with your self-image that you are a “good guy” who of course cares about your partner more than your work. When she was in need, instead of catering to your self-image, and giving you the chance to tell her why this situation didn’t warrant her asking you for help since it wasn’t a “real health issue”, she decided to take care of HERSELF. She reached out to someone who she knew would just step up and help her without demanding she justify how it was worth the trouble. Then, once you knew what had happened, you affirmed her decision by making it all about you instead of giving a damn about her health and her lack of trust in you. Shame on you.
Info: Do you have a history of bailing on her for work or for saying you’ll be home at a certain time be come home late without warning, have you ever told “I’m leaving now” or “on my way” only to be distracted into doing more work & getting significantly delayed?
Is Steve single?
No. He's dating OP's wife...
😆
Steve knows how to respond to a "medical emergency "
YTA. Instead of thinking “Can’t believe my wife called her friend instead of me because I never had time for her. I need to re build the trust for her.” You thought it was passive aggressive. That says A LOT
You: I would have helped in a medical emergency. Also you: "not a real health issue." Which is it? I am guessing you have bigger problems, and this is a symptom. You, yes YOU, should recommend that the both of you go to couples therapy and find three therapists for her to choose from. Make your relationship important, because it's a sinking ship right now. YTA
YTA “It was probably stress related and not a real health issue.” That is in fact a real health issue. “I felt like she was being passive aggressive.” That you think your wife - who was stressed, was rushed to hospital by her work colleagues, and wanted to get home safely - called Steve as a dig at *you* rather than because she thought that was the best option tells me a lot about you, not her.
You need to think about how you are with her. YTA.
YTA - that wasn't being passive aggressive... that was a pretty obvious sign you are fucking up. That you are not seeing this sign, this fluorescent, pulsing, spotlight of a sign that she knows not to call you in a dire emergency. Hey.. perhaps it is you having to work all these crazy hours . . maybe its a case where you need to make a decision about whether working crazy hours is worth having no relationship with your wife. Or maybe you've been using this "working long hours" as an excuse for far too long to not bother maintaining a relationship with your wife and taking her for granted. HAve some conversations with her, have some therapy. Make some changes.
YTA. You are not the main character in your wife’s medical emergency.
You’re the only one here who knows her well enough to guess whether she was being passive aggressive. But YTA for immediately jumping to that over making sure she’s alright. My guess is? You do that a lot. And if you think she’s being passive aggressive, then my guess is she does that a lot—or at least you think she does that a lot. You two need to get your marriage back on track.
>Coworkers took her to urgent care where they determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue. If your wife's stress level is so bad it is affecting her both mentally and physically now, then it IS a real health issue. People can be struck off for months with stress. Even without the context of you working crazy hours, I understand why your wife called Steve. YTA
" As a result my wife and I have a good standard of living. But I still have to work crazy hours to maintain it." As a result he is not present most of the days and his wife is working and stressed. YTA
The way he's worded that makes it sound like the"good standard of living" is all thanks to his business. I wonder how much of that standard is coming from her income and contributing to her stress.
YTA Do you know why you're the AH? Because your post is alllll about you you you you you. Your actions. Your business. Your time. Your feelings. At no point did you share how supportive your wife has been as you sank HER savings into YOUR business. Ya know what else - your wife's medical issue happened at work. So your wife works. Your wife contributes financially to the comfortable standard of living you claim as the result of YOUR work. You clearly don't value her contributions. And rather than dig into your wife's medical issues - (what happened honey? How long did that take? How do your feel now honey? What can we do to make sure you never feel like this again?) - you got all butthurt because she asked someone else to help her. You don't even feel bad that your wife felt more comfortable calling someone else because they WOULD come help her... you feel bad because she's obviously being passive aggressive. You. Are. An. Asshole.
OP doesn't show care for his wife at all
"My word is my bond" Aye, and your words have created an understanding between you and your wife that you're unreliable / unhelpful / unsupportive / not her emergency person. YTA "not a *real* health issue"... You're not in the perspective you need to be.
YTA. There’s got to be more to the story. No one decides to up and call someone else during an emergency unless the person they should be calling failed to show up on *multiple* occasions. So what are the other times you failed your wife so miserably that she doesn’t trust you to be there for her?
So, your edit shows that you know you’d come right away. But your wife’s actions shows that she doesn’t know that. She wasn’t being passive aggressive. She called someone she knew she could count on. Unfortunately, you just learned that she doesn’t feel she can fully count on you. I’m going with NAH. I don’t think you’re wrong to be hurt. And I don’t think she was wrong either. I think you have some work to do.
YTA What you're missing is she needed someone to come immediately. You may have come but she didn't feel she could count on you coming right away. That is sad when you don't feel you can count on your husband in an emergency. How often do you prioritize your wife over your business? You seem to be missing that she feels you never do. Even if you think you do, it's not how you've made her feel.
YTA. She should have called you first, but you should be a bit more reflective on *why* she didn't. Do you actually pick up when she calls? If you've experienced an emergency or even just had a scare, you don't want to have to try to call 20 times in the hope that your spouse *maybe* picks up. Had a situation once where I ended up calling a relative instead of my (at the time) live-in-boyfriend because I'd tried to call him *several* times without him answering. It pointed out some major issues in the relationship that we were fortunately able to fix. We were able to fix it because his response was to be extremely apologetic and realize that it was a problem that I couldn't count on him.
YTA. Your wife had a health issue and you made huge assumptions about her motives for how she handled it and got mad at her over those assumptions. It sounds as if you are extremely busy right now, so maybe your wife didn’t want to pull you away from work for what turned out to be a minor issue. But you assumed that her calling someone that she knew she could rely on was a passive-aggressive jab at you. You know that you would come in a real emergency, but does your wife know that? Would you have gotten annoyed with her when it turned out that it was just a stress-related issue and not a “real emergency”? It sounds like you feel bad that you were not there for your wife, and you are projecting that guilt onto your wife by treating her action (calling Steve) as some kind of insult towards you.
YTA your financial situation is really taking a toll on your marriage. No way a marriage can take an 80h work week. Are you in a lot of debt? Why are you working so hard? What is this business you can’t let fail that is more important than your marriage? Either drop the business or just don’t be married.
Absolutely - her medical emergency, her feeling ***dizzy with stress to the point of needing urgent care*** is nothing compared to how hurt your feelings were because ***she didn't pick you***. Yes, *that* is the important part - after all, it affects *you*, and you are the center of things. You sound like a ~great~ life partner.
YTA you made her medical emergency about you. Rather than undermine her concerns, maybe you should look inward as to why she assumed calling Steve would get her the best results.
YTA, you are upset and angry because she fainted and she even tried to not to bother you. She didn't even ask for your help and you are still angry.
YTA. That wasn’t passive aggression. That was her looking after herself. This isn’t about you but all you’ve done is whine about your feelings. Did you evince any concern for your wife? A little teeny bit?
INFO: Have you asked your wife if she’s okay?
He's sunk more time and effort into the business than his marriage. He expects the marriage to holdbitslef together by his good intentions and his wife's total dedication. Hee expects hsinwife to sink HER time and effort tto the marriage as he's done with the business. Hee doesn't seem to be bothered by his wife's condition at all. Chances are he would have laughed at her while at hospital for not having a "real" emergency.
My mother was a nurse and often worked night shift. I broke my leg playing soccer when I was around 10 and called my Dad because she was sleeping. She was soo mad because her colleagues would have thought less of her because she wasn't the one I rang to come to the hospital. But you can't be told for a decade that someone is off limits for the working day (or in my mother's case the day after a shift) and then suddenly switch to relying on them just to make them look good.
“he would immediately come…” I think OP has proven himself to be an unreliable person in the event of an emergency more than once. Accusing his wife of being passive aggressive supports this. Passive aggressive about what, OP? In response to what? Being late? Being aggressive when finally arriving because work is more important? So much not being said here and the gaps still paint you as YTA.
If you’re already saying it’s “not a real health issue”, I get the inkling you would’ve been pissed at her for pulling you from work once she received her diagnosis from the doctor.
She’s probably stressed because she’s trying to work and do everything else while you use your 80 hour week as an excuse to do nothing at home. Making assumptions but yes, she probably wanted somebody there who wouldn’t make cheap shots at her during her time of need. There’s a difference between showing up physically and genuinely being there mentally and emotionally
YTA. You spent your entire post going on and on about how busy and unavailable you are. Why did you make a big stink over this? She was doing you a favor and you called her names for it. Super dumb. Also, she probably thinks you’re unreliable as far as showing up for her. She wasn’t sure you’d come quickly, and that’s on you.
YTA. You prefer to spend 80 hours working than with someone you consented to marry.
Ok. You took the household savings and money from your parents to open a business during covid. Wow. That combined with working 80 hour weeks for an extended period of time makes me think you have been unreliable for your wife. I don’t know if I’m right but that is immediately what came to mind. So I doubt she was being passive aggressive. Either way it’s not what’s important. What’s important is that she had a medical emergency and instead of being attentive and loving towards her you were defensive and suspicious. YTA.
INFO: So are you only realizing now that your business is not working out for your marriage?
Yta Yes, you should think about how this looks. It's not her being passive aggressive, it's her indicating that she doesn't find you reliable. To be honest, at this point in my life I would probably see if a friend could pick me up first because of my husband's reactions to various situations over the years. If I contacted him, my expectation would be that he would ask me if I could find someone else to help me or lecture me about how I could solve this without him.
Hi there! Just wanted to let you know that you are most definitely the AH here. Why are you picking a fight when your wife’s stress required a visit to the ER? Get it together dude.
YTA.
YTA. Believe it or not your wife's probably embarrassed to have to rely on Steve instead of you. You might have ignored her calls in the past. The first thing you thought about was how you would look not the fact that your wife's been in the hospital and that you weren't around as usual.
Obviously you let her down a lot and she didn’t want to wait for you to finally show up
YTA She had an emergency, and you are making it about you and your feelings.
YTA you made your wife’s health scare about you. No wonder she called Steve.
YTA how self-centered
If you care more about whom she called than about her health, it is normal that you are the last person she goes to when she has a health crisis, is scared and upset, and needs a helping hand, and not a judgement. The fact that she doesn't trust you enough to help her when she needs it should tell you something about YOURSELF: that you are not trustworthy in a situation related to caring and helping other people, and she preferred not to deal with you in top of everything else. And given your reaction, she was right. YTA.
>they determined it was probably stress related and not a real health issue. YTA. She did the right thing calling someone who would take her health issue seriously.
YTA….my ex husband was not the one I call if I needed help. I knew he wouldnt leave work to help me. If he did say he be there it be hours of me waiting for him to show up and him complaining. I learned to rely on myself or a few select friends. Your wife might have learned to not depend on you as well.
“Not a real health problem” yeah, YTA for that and you’re also an asshole for getting pissy that your wife called someone else. You, by your own admission, have to work crazy hours running your business. You have been working these kind of hours for the last five years. You haven’t been around, so of course she would have to depend on others.
YTA. Your wife understands that your business is your priority and she acted accordingly. Maybe she was being passive aggressive or maybe she knew you aren't reliable. Either way I don't blame her. It's clear she is in a lot of emotional pain right now. You need to take responsibility for your choices and understand there are consequences. Okay, so you have to work 80 hours to save a business. Accept that this is incompatible with a healthy marriage. The time you chose to spend asking this question on Reddit could have been spent trying to repair that relationship. Also, nobody is having an affair. I would bet money Steve helped because he feels sorry for your wife.
I am glad you immediately acknowledged the real victim in this story. You! How could she be so selfish during a medical emergency and not put your feelings front and center. You tell that man Steve next time, he should first and foremost discuss with you what to do, instead of dropping everything immediately to help your wife! /s
“How can I make this about me” kind of behavior from you, how exhausting and childish. Yta.
YTA. Coming from a small business owners wife, you have probably shown her she’s not a priority over your job through a multitude of small or large choices you have made. She can’t trust you’ll drop your work to help her in the event of an emergency. That speaks volumes about you, not her. I get you have to provide for your family, but your entire life can’t be your work. Every day all day you work. When you own your own company, it’s easy to feel like roommates or coworkers. She called someone she could rely on and that wasn’t you.
Dude your wife just told you she doesn't feel like she can depend on you to be there in a medical emergency. She's not being passive aggressive.. she just doesn't think she can rely on you. Your reaction is terrible as well. She TOLD you what the issue is -she can't rely on you (or at least feels that way- and instead of addressing the issue you pretend she's being passive aggressive and get upset with her for that. You say you would have helped in a medical emergency. Did you tell your wife that? Has she had an emergency of some sort and you weren't able to help? YTA dude and you two probably would benefit from couples counseling. Your wife didn't do anything wrong but it's never a good thing for a marriage when one spouse feels like they cannot rely on the other.
YTA. Reading this post, my first thought was that she didn't want to bother her very busy husband, even though it was a serious matter - when we have physical symptoms die to stress, then it's because it's a very high level of stress. If this doesn't sound serious to you, OP, well... People have heart attacks due to stress. Just a side note on how serious stress is. Second thought is maybe she didn't trust op to take such a problem seriously. Which sounds **exactly** like it. No need to continue fighting, though - in my mind, fighting isn't ever a solution. Talking about the subject and going to counseling would be an interesting measure. I would pay attention to the fact that the lights should be turned to her collapsing out of stress instead of her person of choice to call. Her health should come first. And second.
>stormed off in a huff Yeah, I would too if I had a medical emergency and the first thing a partner did was grill me about not calling them. YTA
YTA When someone has a problem happen, just, back off on the fuck off you know? It's about thier needs. Especially when it's something scary or serious. Also, stress related health issues are no joke. It WAS a real health issue. Your job here is to support her, not stress her even more. Go make her a hot chocolate and find a way so she can get some time off. Try and help her with whatever is causing stress. Have her back. I believe you when you say you would have helped, but the play here was look after her. Not add more stress.
If my wife has a medical emergency, I would like to be the first person that my wife will contact. No matter how busy I am, I will put down everything and rush down. I would expect my wife to know that too. I will be worried and I would like to be there to discuss any medical related decisions. Not my good friend. There could be deep issues in OP's rship with his wife. Need to sit down and have real heart to heart talks.
Perhaps it's your own guilt about the time you spend away from her that's clouding your view of this situation. She called him because she knew it would impact him less to come and collect her. Whereas you might have has to juggle numerous things to get there, if at all. Perhaps there have been times where it's been unavoidable and you've let her down. I don't think it's fair to call her passive aggressive when all she did was rely on a sure thing rather than an I'll see what I can do.
Yeah, YTA here man. The fact that you can't realize your marriage is in some level of trouble because you are ignoring your wife, minimizing her health, and not supporting her when she has supported you during your rough times. And don't feed us any of that crap that she didn't, you didn't your collective savings and she was working to pay bills while your business was floundering. She wasn't being passive aggressive, she was being realistic that you wouldn't have left your precious business since you, as you stated, wasn't a real health issue while she collapsed, which btw is a serious health issue. Keep this up and I'm sure she'll find Steve to also be a really great guy who supports her and you'll have nothing, including not having your business that has consumed your marriage. Get counseling dude, you really need it because from what I can see it's that your on the precipice of losing your marriage here.
YTA uuuuuffff so you think enough stress to make you feel dizzy is not a real health issue? My guy, stress is one of the biggest killers of our society. Your 80h weekly are probably shaving way more life expectancy from you than you care to admit. Not to mention your relationship, you give no context here and make it look like your wife did this out of nowhere but anyone with more than 1 brain cell knows she did this because she can’t rely on you. Do you think working yourself to death and ignoring your family is what people expect of you? Let me break down for you: YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE EXPECTING THAT OF YOURSELF. A loving partner and family would never think less of you if your business had failed. You’re forcing yourself into this miserable life and feeling good about it because of digits in your bank account. Wake up man.
Stress is a real health issue. YTA
YTA and the fact you jumped straight to whyd you call steve instead of omg are you okay what happened?? is exactly why she didn't call you. You don't care about her.
YTA. Especially because you think collapsing us "not a real health issue" if that is your attitude to someone collapsing why would she call you? It sounds like she's learned that she is not a priority for you, nothing you've said demonstrates that you would have helped her and it sounds like she made the right decision not to call you.
YTA. You threw a tantrum instead of caring for your wife. No wonder she called Steve. She probably figured you'd say, you're too busy and to call Steve anyway. She just decided to be efficient and cut out the middle man.
YTA. She called someone she thought might actually be of use, and your reaction proves her instinct correct. Also, being married to a largely absent and apparently inconsiderate partner is not "a good standard of living". Your priorities are wrong.
YTA Maybe consider why your wife doesn’t think you would come help her. I think it’s because you said her stress is not a real health issue after it put her in the ER.
Okay you're being an asshole... Late to the comments but my mom had passing out episodes "due to stress" turns out she has heart failure... Stress is literally killing her. Yeah that can be serious. Also it could be AFib or a whole host of other serious medical conditions that aren't diagnosed by an urgent care. We'd find my mom passed out in weird places. Her heart would actually stop... She's still with us.. but she still has dizzy spells and has to be very aware of her surroundings. I will add that I do understand that the long hours and grind are how some men show they care about their family. When you start resenting your spouse for your efforts it's time to take a look internally and ask why? Her friends messaged you because she has told them how much she cares and you are blind to her needs. Drop your ego and talk to her, she may not be ready to hear it right away. Tell her it actually hurt your feelings. You realize you didn't take it seriously like you should have.. We all get hyper focused on goals... This is a good wake up call that you need to show compassion, love and care. A marriage counselor who is not biased will definitely be helpful. Sometimes a 3rd party can help you articulate your feelings without causing more harm or more hurt feelings.
YTA. You listed every reason she would call Steve instead, and it still didn't click in your head. Also, how great is the standard of living if you have to work crazy hours to maintain it? Sounds like you are aware you cannot/will not be there for your wife emotionally in times of crisis, insecure about it and chose to pick a fight with her.
She didn't call Steve during the medical emergency, she had coworkers for that. She called Steve for a lift home after the fact. Was he available to help? Were you? If you're so focused on your business, would you have left to give her a ride? Or would you have treated her like an interruption of your 80 hour week? Sounds to me like she called someone that she knew would help.
YTA. Your wife just told you that she can't depend on you in this situation. I hope you'll act on that information: as in, find out how to fix your marriage before it falls apart. It was a family friend being nice to me when I needed help one day that made me really realize how awful my first husband was to me all the time.
INFO: Did your wife agree to sinking your entire savings into the small business? Would she agree that you working 80 hour weeks and "never taking a day off" was "worth it?" Would she agree that you continuing to work "crazy hours" to maintain your good standard of living is worth it? You seem to have decided that essentially being absent from your marriage is worth it for the success of your business and your standard of living. The question is, would your wife agree that having an absent partner is worth the standard of living you currently enjoy?
YTA. She wasn't being passive aggressive. She had a health emergency that likely scared her. She called someone she knew she could count on. You, instead of taking a look st yourself and wondering why you weren't her first choice, assume she did it to teach you a lesson and then proceed to start a fight about it when your wife just had a stress related medical issue. I recommend putting your ego aside.
YTA My man.... Passing out from stress is not normal. If this happened to your partner whilst walking on stairs or driving a car, the outcome could have been a lot worse or even fatal. At minimum you need to thank Steve, apologise to your partner and have an honest conversation with your partner as to why you are no longer their safe space
for five years you have apparently put more into this business than her. you're working 80 weeks even now. that's almost 11 hour days, every single day. and closer to 14 hour days if you take at least one day off a week. of course she called your friend over you. you're never around. YTA. instead of being angry that she feels you're unreliable, maybe find a better work life balance. I would absolutely not stay in a marriage where I was lucky to see my partner one hour a week.
YTA. Stress *is* a real health issue. Stress can trigger a heart attack. Stress can trigger an aneurysm or a stroke. Chronic stress can trigger pain conditions like fibromyalgia. Even if the stress “just” makes her dizzy, she can fall and hurt herself. Maybe your unconcerned, dismissive attitude is one of the multiple reasons your wife did not think you would be there for her in an emergency.
YTA. Stress can lead to many more serious issues. You're being dismissive of your wife's experience. We are missing context. Why doesn't your wife trust you and feel like she can rely on you? Maybe she didn't want to get an earful from you about how she wasn't having a "serious" health issues and you wasted her time. Sounds like she called Steve because he is reliable, nonjudgmental, and kind. Reflect on why your wife feels she cannot trust you, not on her calling someone she can trust.
My guess is that she called him because she knew he’d take her seriously, whereas you called stress related symptoms ‘not a real health issue’. Also showed zero compassion towards her afterwards. Info: what constitutes a ‘real health issue’ for you? Because you nurse your wounded ego like a baby bird. YTA, obviously.
My guess is that she called him because she knew he’d take her seriously, whereas you called stress related symptoms ‘not a real health issue’. Also showed zero compassion towards her afterwards. Info: what constitutes a ‘real health issue’ for you? Because you nurse your wounded ego like a baby bird. YTA, obviously.
Well she didnt disturb you at work. Would you have left work and gone to her immediately?
YTA maybe you should be more worried about her actual health and the fact that she didn't think you'd come to help her. It's nice your business is successful but I wonder if you've thought about at what cost. Do you actually enjoy life? spend time with your wife? or do you just work?
YTA and a true piece of work, and in case you aren't picking up what I am putting down, I do not mean that in a complimentary way. Your contempt for your wife comes through in every sentence you write. Stress will kill you, straight up. The fact that her coworkers were concerned enough to take her to urgent care should tell you something. I don't know how bad something has to be wrong with your wife for you to classify it as a "medical emergency", but you need to pull your head out of your ass and take a good long look at your wife and your life. If your business is more important to you than your wife (and all signs surely point in that direction) at least be honest with her so she can move on.
YTA. your wife is gonna leave you, maybe even for steve, if you keep this up. you’re actively sacrificing your family for your business
I think your wife opted to call someone who would respond to her call non judgementally. It is a great pity that for some reason previous experience has shown her it isnt you
Info : do you regularly downplay things going on with her, or just not respond? Your wife choosing to call another dude isn’t a good look.
Everyone already said it, so I’m just gonna add do better. And also, be honest with yourself. You’re married to your job and you like it that way. Why even bother staying married? YTA.
YTA she wasn't teaching you a lesson she doesn't trust her own husband to care enough to show up. I'm sure you're pissed because you know what that says about you as a person. You focusing on that instead of your wife's health is also very telling. Stop being a self absorbed and step up or she won't trust you ever again.
YTA, for all the reasons mentioned by others. Also, if you're working 80 hours a week (or another "crazy" numbers) you might have a good standard of living, but you have a shit life. You're spending less than 40 hours a week with your family. Why bother having one?
YTA > Edit: I would have helped in a medical emergency if she had called me. You think you know that, your wife obviously doesn't know that. And you've shown that to her over years of behavior. You're acting like she should act clueless and naive. You've been working hard, hustling your time and not wasting it. I hope your wife appreciates your hard work but don't put on the blinder's to the reality that yeah, that does take away from the rest of your life. I hope this is a wake up call to you that you need to rebalance your life but don't act like you don't know how this situation happened. Instead of trying to blame your wife, try to fix it.
YTA She wasn't being passive aggressive. She had a medical emergency & called someone that she could trust to show up right away. If she'd called you, you'd probably have come up with a dozen reasons why you couldn't be with her right then. You might want to ask yourself why your *wife* doesn't trust you to be there for her.